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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jest Book, by Mark Lemon
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Jest Book
+       The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings
+
+Author: Mark Lemon
+
+Release Date: January 13, 2007 [EBook #20352]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE JEST BOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Christine D. and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE JEST BOOK
+
+[Illustration]
+
+UNIVERSITY PRESS: WELCH, BIGELOW, & CO.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE JEST BOOK
+
+THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS
+
+SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY
+
+MARK LEMON
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CAMBRIDGE
+
+SEVER AND FRANCIS
+
+1865
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+The Compiler of this new JEST BOOK is desirous to make known that it is
+composed mainly of old jokes,--some older than Joe Miller himself,--with
+a liberal sprinkling of new jests gathered from books and hearsay. In
+the course of his researches he has been surprised to find how many
+Jests, Impromptus, and Repartees have passed current, century after
+century, until their original utterer is lost in the "mist of ages"; a
+Good Joke being transferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus
+resembling certain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but
+are never consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they have
+satisfied themselves as to the _Origin of Species_ and the _Antiquity of
+Man_, could not better employ their speculative minds than in
+determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable "joes" which have
+been in circulation beyond the remembrance of that mythical personage,
+"the Oldest Inhabitant."
+
+A true Briton loves a good joke, and regards it like "a thing of
+beauty," "a joy forever," therefore we may opine that Yorick's "flashes
+of merriment, which were wont to set the table in a roar," when Hamlet
+was king in Denmark, were transported hither by our Danish invaders, and
+descended to Wamba, Will Somers, Killigrew, and other accredited
+jesters, until Mr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe
+and tankard, when seated with his delighted auditory at the _Black Jack_
+in Clare Market.
+
+Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe's fame, decreeing the
+collection of his jests to Captain Motley, who wrote short-lived plays
+in the time of the First and Second Georges; but the same false Medium
+has affected to discover that Dick Whittington did not come to London
+City at the tail of a road wagon, neither was he be-ladled by a cross
+cook, and driven forth to Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return
+and make venture of his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice
+Lord Mayor of London, albeit it is written in City chronicles, that
+Whittington's statue and the effigy of his gold-compelling Grimalkin
+long stood over the door of New Gate prison-house. We would not have
+destroyed the faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to
+succeed it in that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as the
+Ptolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts in
+Europe. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest Joe Miller,
+but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of Bartlemy Fair, and
+visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against the Hospital gate of St.
+Bartholomew, where Joe, probably, is to dance "the English Maggot
+dance," and after the appearance of "two Harlequins, conclude with a
+Grand Dance and Chorus, accompanied with Kettledrums and Trumpets." And
+when the Fair is over, and we are no longer invited to "walk up," let us
+march in the train of the great Mime, until he takes his ease in his
+inn,--the _Black Jack_ aforesaid,--and laugh at his jibes and flashes of
+merriment, before the Mad Wag shall be silenced by the great killjoy,
+Death, and the jester's boon companions shall lay him in the graveyard
+in Portugal Fields, placing over him a friendly record of his social
+virtues.
+
+Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall not rob us of that
+conviction!
+
+The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and
+diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false,--the pure gold
+from Brummagem brass. He has carefully perused the Eight learned
+chapters on "Thoughts on Jesting," by Frederick Meier, Professor of
+Philosophy at Halle, and Member of the Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein
+it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a
+great Wit and Acumen, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." ...
+"Hypocrites, with the appearance but without the reality of virtue,
+condemn from the teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they
+sincerely approve in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous Persons
+also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or
+erroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives
+me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long
+as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy,
+and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long
+they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise
+their Judgment."
+
+Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that "Wit lies in an
+assemblage of ideas, and putting them together with quickness and
+vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance and congruity whereby to
+make up pleasant pictures and agreeable visions of fancy."
+
+Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limits his definition by
+observing that "an assemblage of Ideas productive merely of pleasure
+does not constitute Wit, but of those only which to delight add
+surprise."
+
+Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit "to consist in a quick
+conception of Thought and an easy Delivery"; nor the many other
+definitions by Inferior hands, "too numerous to mention."
+
+The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions, was a
+conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty,
+"which," said the Philosopher, "was the question of a Blind man"; and
+despairing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Compiler of
+the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd
+sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the
+Irreverent, so that of the Seventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not
+one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will
+miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare
+it to be miserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability to
+show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing.
+
+    "_The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird is an owl;
+    The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravest man is a fool_!"
+
+says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his
+Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he
+has brought together.
+
+M.L.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+THE JEST BOOK.
+
+
+        I.--THE RISING SON.
+
+POPE dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many
+compliments. "I wonder, Pope," said the prince, "that you, who are so
+severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me."--"It is," said the
+wily bard, "because I like the lion before his claws are grown."
+
+
+        II.--SOMETHING FOR DR. DARWIN.
+
+SIR WATKIN WILLIAMS WYNNE talking to a friend about the antiquity of his
+family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere
+mushroom of yesterday. "How so, pray?" said the baronet. "Why,"
+continued the other, "when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular
+family was shown to me: it filled five large skins of parchment, and
+near the middle of it was a note in the margin: '_About this time the
+world was created_.'"
+
+
+        III.--A BAD EXAMPLE.
+
+A CERTAIN noble lord being in his early years much addicted to
+dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman,
+whose food was herbs and his drink water. "What! madam," said he, "would
+you have me to imitate a man who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a
+fish_?"
+
+
+        IV.--A CONFIRMED INVALID.
+
+A POOR woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length
+recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen you here before?" said
+his lordship. "Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as
+I can; they tell me it is _good for the rheumatis_."
+
+
+        V.--COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.
+
+LORD CHANCELLOR HARDWICK'S bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to
+procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the
+dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he
+could not suppress, "I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have
+got a sow exactly of _your ladyship's size_."
+
+
+        VI.--AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.
+
+THE following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had
+been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:--
+
+    "Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,
+    And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,
+    The diamond quit--with me the pencil take,
+    So shall _your shame_ but short duration make;
+    For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet,
+    With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet,
+    Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell
+    Who 't was that _wrote so ill!--and loved so well_!"
+
+
+        VII.--NO HARM DONE.
+
+A MAN of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of
+his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had
+called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then,
+I shall soon make up the quarrel."
+
+
+        VIII.--BEARDING A BARBER.
+
+A HIGHLANDER, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to
+get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having
+shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No,
+no," says the shaver; "I'll give you a penny, and if that does not
+satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked
+what he had to pay. "A penny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says
+Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye, _pit on_ my beard again."
+
+
+        IX.--CHANGING HIS COAT.
+
+A WEALTHY merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential
+friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded,
+by saying, "Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as
+it is now too late to part them. But then his condition; how can I
+introduce him?"--"Nonsense," replied his companion; "introduce him as a
+_Liveryman_ of the _city of London_. _What_ is more honorable?"
+
+
+        X.--GOOD ADVICE.
+
+LADY ---- spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small
+beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. "I know no method so
+effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of _good_
+ale by it."
+
+
+        XI.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.
+
+A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
+expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, "they are
+brothers--_brothers-in-law_."
+
+
+        XII.--A SMALL INHERITANCE.
+
+IT was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his
+speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of
+Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: "It is the little
+inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will
+leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of
+those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. "Just look
+at Mitford," said a by-stander to Horne Tooke; "what on earth is he
+crying for?" Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a _small_
+inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get."
+
+
+        XIII.--A DIFFERENCE.
+
+JERROLD one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who
+explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "I'm
+aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the _i-t-c-h_ in your name,"
+said Jerrold.
+
+
+        XIV.--THE LIGHT SUBJECT.
+
+THE government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those
+who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of
+_one fourth_. "This at least," said a sufferer, "may be called, giving
+them some _quarter_."
+
+
+        XV.--COMPLIMENTARY.
+
+LORD NORTH, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his
+physician after it, "Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some
+old acquaintances."--"Who are they, my lord?"--"_My ribs_," replied his
+lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now."
+
+
+        XVI.--A FAIR SUBSTITUTE.
+
+WHEN Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that
+probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the
+honor. "Well, but," said Lord S., "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like
+it."--"Then let the king _knight her_," answered the rough seaman.
+
+
+        XVII.--A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN.
+
+DANIEL PURCELL, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore.
+"Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O,
+sir," said he, "the _king_ is no _subject_."
+
+
+        XVIII.--A CONVERT.
+
+A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon,
+exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have
+almost a mind to turn _beggar_."
+
+
+        XIX.--INCREDIBLE.
+
+SHERIDAN made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these
+attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now guess," said he, "how
+I came by these boots?" Many _probable_ guesses then took place. "No!"
+said Sheridan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will,--I bought them,
+and paid for them!"
+
+
+        XX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+IN a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's
+allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of
+many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you
+need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year."--"Yes,
+father, I must confess you _allowed_ it; but then it was never paid."
+
+
+        XXI.--SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.
+
+DR. PITCAIRN had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church,
+probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that
+gentleman of having been a warm admirer of _Calvinism_), and seeing the
+parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject: "What
+makes the man _greet_?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him.
+"By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too,
+if you were in his place, _and had as little to say_."--"Come along with
+me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow
+to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.
+
+
+        XXII.--A WONDERFUL WOMAN.
+
+WHEN a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her
+eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty
+to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the
+nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in
+the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a
+nervous complaint, was asked in her turn, "What brought her to
+Buxton?"--"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess;
+"for, thank God, I was born before _nerves came into fashion_."
+
+
+        XXIII.--A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.
+
+SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman
+of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart.
+Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed,
+"Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a
+shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking
+archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must _borrow_ it." Sheridan
+was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.
+
+
+        XXIV.--A WRITTEN CHARACTER.
+
+GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a
+large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his
+majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,"
+was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing;
+"it will do very well for the _next horse you sell_."
+
+
+        XXV.--WELL MATCHED.
+
+DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day
+accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal
+stature, with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor,
+politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"--"O, sir," said the
+baronet, "my expression alluded to the _size of your intellect_."--"And
+my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the _size of yours_."
+
+
+        XXVI.--A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.
+
+A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at
+a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the
+ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To
+which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, "Madam,
+the best rump I cannot _sell_ lower than tenpence halfpenny _a pound_."
+
+
+        XXVII.--THREE CAUSES.
+
+THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, _because
+he was hot_. "Bring me another," says his companion, "_because I am
+cold_." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out,
+"Here, boy, bring me a glass, _because I like it_."
+
+
+        XXVIII.--THE CONNOISSEUR.
+
+A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown
+one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the
+remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur, "I
+am _stone blind_ already."
+
+
+        XXIX.--A SYMBOL.
+
+A SATIRIC poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk
+ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of some
+of the saints, who are always painted with _the symbols_ of their
+martyrdom."
+
+
+        XXX.--THE ONE THING WANTING.
+
+IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her
+sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a _match_; I think you
+want the _brimstone_";--she replied, "No, not the _brimstone_, only the
+_spark_."
+
+
+        XXXI.--A HORSE LAUGH.
+
+A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that
+"if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would _bear malice_ like a
+_Christian_."
+
+
+        XXXII.--ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.
+
+DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to
+reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's
+misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you
+would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as _I have
+covered so many blunders of yours_!"
+
+
+        XXXIII.--A NOVEL COMPLAINT.
+
+A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician
+felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"--"Yes," said the patient.
+"Do you sleep well?"--"I do."--"Then," said the physician, "I shall give
+you something to take away _all that_!"
+
+
+        XXXIV.--A CONJUGAL CAUTION.
+
+SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself
+from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun
+him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would
+certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message
+being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband,
+who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that
+had the impudence!"--"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the
+good man; "you don't know what a man may do _in a passion_."
+
+
+        XXXV.--A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.
+
+IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article:
+"Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a _head capitally executed_."
+
+
+        XXXVI.--MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.
+
+A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a
+dispute."--"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was
+_mad_; I said the world was _mad_, and they _outwitted me_."
+
+
+        XXXVII.--PLEASANT INVITATION.
+
+SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a
+gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a
+picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day
+came to see it, and says it is _a copy_. If any one says so again, I'll
+_break his head_. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to
+come, and give me _your real opinion of it_?"
+
+
+        XXXVIII.--WELL-BRED HORSE.
+
+"HOW does your new-purchased horse _answer_?" said the late Duke of
+Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I _really_ don't know," replied George,
+"for I never _asked him a question_."
+
+
+        XXXIX.--"ONE FOR HIS NOB."
+
+A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he
+was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every
+observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself
+to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this
+wig."--"Nothing but _the head_," was the answer.
+
+
+        XL.--SOUND AND FURY.
+
+A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on
+the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the
+philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music?
+"No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all _noises_, I think music is
+the least disagreeable."
+
+
+        XLI.--COME OF AGE.
+
+A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing
+to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied
+the other; "but I can inform you that _an ass_ is older at twenty than a
+man at sixty!"
+
+
+        XLII.--A STRIKING NOTICE.
+
+THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was
+pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care,
+friend, thou mayest run _thy face_ against _my fist_."
+
+
+        XLIII.--UP IN THE WORLD.
+
+A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father
+died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous,
+another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as
+my father was sheriff for the county when his was _hanged_ for
+horse-stealing."
+
+
+        XLIV.--REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
+
+WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his
+lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old
+beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with
+fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage,
+the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to
+your honor's honor: for sure I did not _dream_ last night that her
+ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of
+tobacco."--"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of
+contrary."--"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean,
+that your honor will give me _the tea_, and her ladyship _the tobacco_."
+
+
+        XLV.--A DOGGED ANSWER.
+
+BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think
+that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet.
+"I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a _dog_ in the town
+but what thinks so."
+
+
+        XLVI.--VISIBLE DARKNESS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to
+render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a
+couple of _decent_ candles to _see_ how these others _burn_."
+
+
+        XLVII.--HIC-CUPPING.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner
+introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift
+addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, hæc,
+hoc, with you."--"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to
+comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ glass."
+
+
+        XLVIII.--WORDS THAT BURN.
+
+DR. ROBERTSON observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the
+righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes,"
+exclaimed Burke, "_oil of vitriol_!"
+
+
+        XLIX.--PASSING THE BOTTLE.
+
+FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord,
+he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle
+at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand,
+he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if _the
+bottle was passed so quickly_, not one of them would be able to stand
+out the evening."
+
+
+        L.--"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.
+
+MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis
+whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight,
+"Will you, Sir Philip,--will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a
+single question?"--"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic
+answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked
+him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether
+he is _Junius_; but, if he be, he is certainly _Junius Brutus_."
+
+
+        LI.--A WEAK WOMAN.
+
+A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe
+for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the
+doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks after,
+the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife
+followed my advice?"--"She has done everything in her power to do it,
+doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get the glass _higher
+than her mouth_."
+
+
+        LII.--TOO MANY COOKS.
+
+ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one servant, your
+work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three,
+you may _do it yourself_."
+
+
+        LIII.--LOOK IN HIS FACE.
+
+ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
+middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
+with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
+that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
+shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
+and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
+afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
+you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
+lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
+when he is afraid? _I need not ask how he looks_."
+
+
+        LIV.--NOTHING BUT THE "BILL."
+
+JOHN HORNE TOOKE'S opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. "Law,"
+he said, "ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be
+easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A person observed
+to him, how excellent are the English laws, because they are impartial,
+and our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction.
+"And so," said Tooke, "is the _London Tavern_, to such as can afford to
+_pay for their entertainment_."
+
+
+        LV.--AN EXTINGUISHER.
+
+WHILE Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight,
+with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came
+running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our ship is on fire very near the
+powder magazine."--"Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not in the
+least degree discomposed, "_run back and assist in putting it out_."
+
+
+        LVI.--A BAD SHOT.
+
+A COCKNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to
+fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The
+shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. "Did you fire at
+me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd sportsman, "I
+_never hit_ what I fire at."
+
+
+        LVII.--WISE PRECAUTION.
+
+IT is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure
+hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful
+and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon which he
+suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be _grave_: here comes a
+_fool_."
+
+
+        LVIII.--A TRUMP CARD.
+
+AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago,
+Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess
+observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous
+than the rage for play among men. "In short, you think," said Mr.
+Rogers, "that _clubs_ are worse than _diamonds_." This joke excited a
+laugh; and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following
+_impromptu_ sermonet--most appropriately _on a card_:--
+
+    Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades,"
+    Unmindful of that _Knave of Spades_,
+      The Sexton and his Subs:
+    How foolishly we play our parts!
+    Our _wives_ on _diamonds_ set their _hearts_,
+      _We_ set our _hearts_ on _clubs_!
+
+
+        LIX.--MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
+
+A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of
+guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but
+one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "I believe,
+madam," said he, "I have _dropt a guinea_."--"No, sir," replied the
+lady, "it is I that have _dropt it_."
+
+
+        LX.--ALONE IN HIS GLORY.
+
+A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the
+latter told him he was no "gentleman."--"Are _you_ a gentleman?" asked
+the droll one. "Yes, sir," bounced the fop. "Then, I am very glad _I am
+not_," replied the other.
+
+
+        LXI.--A CAPITAL LETTER.
+
+DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by
+his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor
+Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church
+said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt _Prophet_ with an F.
+
+
+        LXII.--A GOOD PARSON.
+
+DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains,
+whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his
+faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall,
+and said to him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always
+quarrelling with me?"--"I hope your Majesty is not angry with me," quoth
+the doctor, "for telling the truth."--"No, no," says the king, "but I
+would have us for the future be friends."--"Well, well," quoth the
+doctor, "I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,--as _you
+mend I'll mend_."
+
+
+        LXIII.--SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.
+
+A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf,
+and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that
+he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of
+dough, "you will have _the less to carry_."--"True," replied the lad,
+and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker
+called after him that he had not left money enough. "Never mind that,"
+said young sooty, "you will have _the less to count_."
+
+
+        LXIV.--THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.
+
+LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his
+acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
+justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened
+one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
+ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
+met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: "That I
+will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lordship remember me?
+My name's John ----; I have had the honor to be before your lordship for
+stealing sheep?"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife?
+she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them
+to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got
+off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher
+trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honor of
+_meeting again_."
+
+
+        LXV.--A LATE EDITION.
+
+IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the
+manuscript of a friend, the answer, "That it would be read when Homer
+and Virgil were forgotten, _but not till then_."
+
+
+        LXVI.--VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.
+
+    SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife,
+    Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife;
+    So termagant awhile her thunder tries,
+    And when she can no longer scold, she cries.
+
+
+        LXVII.--THREE TOUCHSTONES.
+
+AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--"The goodness of gold
+is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men
+by the ordeal of women."
+
+
+        LXVIII.--A DIALOGUE.
+
+    _Pope._
+
+    SINCE my old friend is grown so great,
+    As to be minister of state,
+    I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope)
+    That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.
+
+    _Craggs._
+
+    ALAS! if I am such a creature,
+    To grow the worse for growing greater,
+    Why, faith, in spite of all my brags,
+    'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.
+
+
+        LXIX.--BEAR AND VAN.
+
+THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, "Your name
+is such a long one, I shall drop the _sittart_, and call you _Van_ for
+the future."--"With all my heart," said he: "by the same rule, I shall
+drop _croft_, and call you _Bear_!"
+
+
+        LXX.--EPITAPH FOR SIR JOHN VANBRUGH.
+
+    LIE heavy on him, Earth! for he
+    Laid many heavy loads on thee!
+
+
+        LXXI.--PROVING THEIR METAL.
+
+WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to
+this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower
+declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the
+measures. Upon which Dryden said, that "the seven golden candlesticks
+them proved _prince's metal_."
+
+
+        LXXII.--A DISTANT PROSPECT.
+
+THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may
+be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no
+very pleasing scenery. Porson, walking that way with a friend, and
+observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a
+_fellowship_, which was a long dreary walk, with a church _at the end of
+it_."
+
+
+        LXXIII.--SOUND SLEEPER.
+
+A MAN meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a
+dream."--"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not _hear you_."
+
+
+        LXXIV.--A CHEAP CURE.
+
+"PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and
+luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and _earn it_!" was the
+pithy answer.
+
+
+        LXXV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    YOU say, without reward or fee,
+      Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill;
+    I say he never did prescribe for me,
+      The proof is plain,--_I'm living still_.
+
+
+        LXXVI.--A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.
+
+SEVERAL young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of
+representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an
+excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came forward to
+apologize to the audience, and told them that _a_ Mr. ---- had declined
+to perform his part. The gentleman was highly indignant at the "_a_,"
+and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who
+replied that he supposed Mr. ---- wanted to be called _the_ Mr.
+So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "_Definite
+Article_."
+
+
+        LXXVII.--A BANKER'S CHECK.
+
+ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote
+very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:--
+
+    "They say he has no heart, and I deny it:
+    He has a heart, and--_gets his speeches by it_."
+
+
+        LXXVIII.--A FILLIP FOR HIM.
+
+THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just
+made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has studied
+the _wrong Phillips_."
+
+
+        LXXIX.--BLACK OILS.
+
+"WHAT'S the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected
+around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put
+on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted.
+"Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor
+negro _to get oil_."
+
+
+        LXXX.--A BAD CROP.
+
+A SEEDSMAN being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language
+respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line
+of his profession--to promote business, he wished to _sow sedition_.
+
+
+        LXXXI.--A GRAVE DOCTOR.
+
+COUNSELLOR CRIPS being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company,
+a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner
+being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his
+surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is
+but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his _old patients_."
+
+
+        LXXXII.--WASTE POWDER.
+
+DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume
+remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing
+an eight-and-forty pounder at the _door of a pigsty_."
+
+
+        LXXXIII.--THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.
+
+AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a
+very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so
+sorrowful. "Alas!" said he, "I am in a state of insolvency."--"Well,"
+said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your
+_creditors_, who ought to wear a woful countenance."
+
+
+        LXXXIV.--BLACK AND WHITE.
+
+DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition,
+setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one
+evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary
+legislative wisdom."--"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was
+for the Irish that they were not _born black_! They would then have had
+plenty of friends in both houses."
+
+
+        LXXXV.--HOME IS HOME.
+
+"I LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I
+don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a _sty_
+in them when I saw her last."
+
+
+        LXXXVI.--A LIGHT STUDY.
+
+AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in
+front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said,
+"Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"--"No, sir," replied the
+alderman, "I am studying _gas-tronomy_."
+
+
+        LXXXVII.--A CLIMAX.
+
+A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were
+numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope
+you'll mend."--"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is _my last
+folly_."
+
+
+        LXXXVIII.--SIMPLE DIVISION.
+
+WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be
+examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the
+chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"--"Does your lordship
+mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?"--"Is it
+not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord
+Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a
+dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are
+but _two legs of mutton_."
+
+
+        LXXXIX.--HERO-PHOBIA.
+
+WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe,
+some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said
+the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would _bite_ some other
+of my generals."
+
+
+        XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.
+
+TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same
+desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a
+New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know
+how _old_ we are to be this year."
+
+
+        XCI.--NOT RIGHT.
+
+A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was
+told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up
+his left hand. "Hold up your _right_ hand," said the clerk. "Please your
+honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am
+_left-handed_."
+
+
+        XCII.--LIGHT-HEADED.
+
+DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his
+victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly
+after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From
+his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his
+portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before
+retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice,
+having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it
+in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned
+them with the following lines:--
+
+    "Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire,
+      I would not retain it a minute;
+    What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's _fire_,
+      Is sure to be instantly _in it_."
+
+
+        XCIII.--"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."
+
+A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked
+if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the
+possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as
+little of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European."
+
+
+        XCIV.--HAND AND GLOVE.
+
+A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that
+was all black; "Take off your _glove_, friend," said the judge to him.
+"Put on your _spectacles_, my lord," answered the dyer.
+
+
+        XCV.--VAST DOMAIN.
+
+A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call
+him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could
+make your words good, I should then be the _greatest_ monarch in the
+world."
+
+
+        XCVI.--MONEY RETURNED.
+
+A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to
+fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said
+he, "I _had_ it, and to such I _give_ it again."
+
+
+        XCVII.--CHEESE AND DESSERT.
+
+TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a
+cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the
+cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the
+grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping
+before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after _cheese_."
+
+
+        XCVIII.--VERY POINTED.
+
+SIR JOHN HAMILTON, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of
+the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was
+impossible to touch him anywhere without _pricking_ one's fingers.
+
+
+        XCIX.--"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."
+
+A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for
+several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port
+placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please
+your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me." The gentleman
+began, "One bottle _port_, one _ditto_, one _ditto_, one
+_ditto_,"--"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are
+cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their _port_, but I did not
+taste a drop of their _ditto_."
+
+
+        C.--COMPUTATION.
+
+AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before
+three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other
+two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the
+occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help it,
+when there were an hundred judges on the bench?--_one_ and _two
+ciphers_."
+
+
+        CI.--PRIMOGENITURE.
+
+AN Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish
+kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful
+appearance, while _his son_ was depicted with a long beard, and wore the
+traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian,
+"is it possible that this gentleman was an _old man_ when his father
+_was born_!!"
+
+
+        CII.--CHECK TO THE KING.
+
+ONE day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of
+this assertion: "I never knew a modest man make his way at court." To
+this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: "And,
+please your majesty, _whose fault is that_?" The king was struck, and
+remained silent.
+
+
+        CIII.--A FALL IN MITRES.
+
+ONE of the wooden _mitres_, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's
+stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose,
+Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether
+he should make it fast: "For, perhaps," said Jessy, "it may fall on your
+reverence's head."--"Well! Jessy," answered the humorous Cantab,
+"suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that _a mitre falling on
+my head_ would hurt it."
+
+
+        CIV.--FALSE DELICACY.
+
+A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did
+not like to be thought a scoundrel. "I wish," replied Peter, "that you
+had as great a dislike _to being a scoundrel_."
+
+
+        CV.--A BAD HARVEST.
+
+THERE was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to
+an idler, who boasted his ancient family: "So much the worse for you,"
+said the peasant; "as we ploughmen say, '_the older the seed the worse
+the crop_.'"
+
+
+        CVI.--PROOF IMPRESSION.
+
+MR. BETHEL, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in
+debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the
+subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four
+Courts, and in a friendly way, said, "Zounds! Bethel, I wonder you never
+told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
+contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon
+the subject."--"I'm very proud you think so," said the other, rubbing
+his hands with satisfaction; "and pray, what are the things that pleased
+you so much?"--"Why," replied Lysaght, "as I passed by a pastry-cook's
+shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three _hot mince-pies_
+wrapped up in one of your works."
+
+
+        CVII.--NECK OR NOTHING.
+
+A RIGHT reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was
+frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and
+untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much
+longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly
+inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that
+he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate
+_stiffness_ in his _knee_. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate;
+"'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a
+long time thought it _immovably settled_ in your NECK."
+
+
+        CVIII.--ARCADIA.
+
+A FARM was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of
+the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were
+detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further
+enhanced with this,--N.B. There is not _an attorney_ within fifteen
+miles of the neighborhood.
+
+
+        CIX.--QUITE PERFECTION.
+
+A PAINTER in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed
+on the front of his house: "The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in
+the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the "old
+original" stenciller, thus set forth his pretensions: "Stencilling in
+all its branches performed in the very height _of acme_!"
+
+
+        CX.--THE LATE MR. COLLINS.
+
+COLLINS the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom
+he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come _a
+day after the fair_.
+
+
+        CXI.--A FAMILY PARTY.
+
+A CERTAIN lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman
+who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she
+said, "La, sir, we haven't a _single_ bug in the house."--"No ma'am,"
+said he, "they're all _married_, and have large families too."
+
+
+        CXII.--CALF'S HEAD SURPRISED.
+
+A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures
+of the table, said, "So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the
+greatest delicacies."--"Why not," replied the other, "do you think
+Providence intended all the _good things_ for fools?"
+
+
+        CXIII.--POPPING THE QUESTION.
+
+A GIRL forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man,
+whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service
+where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her
+husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the
+first person who has asked _my opinion_ about the matter."
+
+
+        CXIV.--SCANDALOUS.
+
+IT was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's
+tables, that he never _opened his mouth_ but at another man's expense.
+
+
+        CXV.--THE PRINCE OF ORANGE AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.
+
+WHEN Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land,
+and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., was already
+written, "Pray, my Lord Chief Justice," said a gentleman present, "what
+do you think will be the heads of this manifesto?"--"_Mine_ will be
+one," replied he.
+
+
+        CXVI.--MODEST REQUEST.
+
+A GENTLEMAN travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road,
+who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he found very
+heavy, into his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman; "but
+if we should not be travelling to the same place, how will you get your
+coat?"--"Monsieur," answered the man with great _naïveté_, "_I shall be
+in it_."
+
+
+        CXVII.--CAP THIS.
+
+SIR THOMAS MORE, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit
+to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the
+headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; "Ah! friend," said he,
+taking off his cap, "that, I think, is my _upper_ garment."
+
+
+        CXVIII.--A PRETTY METAPHOR.
+
+A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town,
+to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has
+turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea."
+
+
+        CXIX.--ON A STONE THROWN AT A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT WHICH MISSED HIM.
+
+    TALK no more of the lucky escape of the _head_
+      From a flint so unluckily thrown;
+    I think very diff'rent, with thousands indeed,
+      'Twas a lucky escape for the _stone_.
+
+
+        CXX.--A MAN OF LETTERS.
+
+WHEN Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a
+porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was
+asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title.
+"Sir," says he, "I'd have you know, I had the honor of _chalking_ number
+45 upon every door between Temple Bar and Hyde Park-corner."
+
+
+        CXXI.--WELSH WIG-GING.
+
+AN Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best
+living, said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wales,
+that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding
+dinner."--"Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man
+_toasted_ his own cheese."
+
+
+        CXXII.--A SPRIG OF SHILLALAH.
+
+A FELLOW on the quay, thinking to _quiz_ a poor Irishman, asked him,
+"How do the potatoes eat now, Pat?" The Irish lad, who happened to have
+a _shillalah_ in his hand, answered, "O! they eat very well, my jewel,
+would you like to taste the _stalk_?" and knocking the inquirer down,
+coolly walked off.
+
+
+        CXXIII.--DOG-MATIC.
+
+IN the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a
+great courtier, said, "His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a
+cur." To which the other replied, "That _fawning_ was the property of a
+cur as well as barking."
+
+
+        CXXIV.--FALSE QUANTITY.
+
+A LEARNED counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a _nolle prosequi_.
+"Consider, sir," said Baron Alderson, "that this is the last day of
+term, and don't make things _unnecessarily long_."
+
+
+        CXXV.--IN SUSPENSE.
+
+THE sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves
+them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the
+ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives
+not _upon_ the branches, but _under_ them. He moves suspended, rests
+suspended, sleeps suspended, and passes his life in suspense,--like a
+young clergyman _distantly related_ to a bishop.
+
+
+        CXXVI.--PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.
+
+SOON after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a
+party where he happened to be present, a gentleman solicited a sketch
+of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous
+one:
+
+    "I went to Frankfort and got drunk
+    With that most learned professor, Brunck;
+    I went to Worts and got more drunken
+    With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."
+
+
+        CXXVII.--ARTIFICIAL HEAT.
+
+THE late Lord Kelly had a very red face. "Pray, my lord," said Foote to
+him, "come and _look over_ my garden-wall,--my cucumbers are very
+backward."
+
+
+        CXXVIII.--OUTWARD APPEARANCE.
+
+MAN is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.
+
+
+        CXXIX.--THE TWO SMITHS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the
+same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of
+calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share
+the letters equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said
+our friend, "and you must quit."--"Why am I to quit more than
+you?"--"Because you are James the Second--and must _abdicate_."
+
+
+        CXXX.--SAGE ADVICE.
+
+THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing
+him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, _hit
+it_."
+
+
+        CXXXI.--THE PURSER.
+
+LADY HARDWICKE, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he
+did, and what _he_ got _she_ saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is
+carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his
+time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be
+provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually retained them
+herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the
+length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved,
+that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains
+for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, "There was not such a _purser_
+in the navy."
+
+
+        CXXXII.--A FOREIGN ACCENT.
+
+WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord
+Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"--"No."--"Do you want to
+hae ony appointed?"--"I only want an interpreter to make me _understand_
+what your lordships say."
+
+
+        CXXXIII--EASY AS LYING.
+
+ERSKINE, examining a bumptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a
+rider? "I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of
+offended importance. "Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the
+_failing_ usually attributed to travellers?"
+
+
+        CXXXIV.--NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.
+
+A PRISONER in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had
+a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit.
+Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been
+thinking," said he, "that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here,
+and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so
+chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and who knows what it
+may cost you in the end! Therefore, what I propose is this: You shall
+let me out of prison, and, instead of _seven_ groats, you shall allow me
+only _eighteenpence_ a week, and the other _tenpence_ shall go towards
+the discharging of the debt."
+
+
+        CXXXV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)
+
+    IN former times the illustrious dead were burned,
+    Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned;
+    This column, then, commemorates the part
+    Which custom makes us single out--the heart;
+    You ask, "How by a column this is done?"
+    I answer, "_'Tis a hollow thing of stone_."
+
+
+        CXXXVI.--FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE.
+
+A DEPENDANT was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not
+possess. "I will do all in my power to prevent you _lying_," answered
+he.
+
+
+        CXXXVII.--THE INTRUDER REBUKED.
+
+JERROLD and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern.
+After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly
+under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a
+chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the
+stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his
+chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and
+inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the
+party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted
+to Jerrold, "I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a butt of
+me!"--"Then don't bring your _hog's head_ in here," was the prompt
+reply.
+
+
+        CXXXVIII.--CRITICAL POLITENESS.
+
+A YOUNG author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull
+off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot
+pass a very _old_ acquaintance," replied the critic, "without that
+civility."
+
+
+        CXXXIX.--A GOOD PLACE.
+
+A NOBLEMAN taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him,
+"The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct
+exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor."--"Sire," replied he,
+"I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give _my_
+successor the like advice."
+
+
+        CXL.--A CABAL.
+
+THE attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a
+conspiracy to overturn _monarchy_ by a _common-wheel_.
+
+
+        CXLI.--THE FIRE OF LONDON.
+
+ONE speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread
+Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill
+staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane
+had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was
+burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much
+singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe
+Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye
+Corner were over baked."
+
+
+        CXLII.--A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
+
+    THE speeches made by P---- are _sound_,
+      It cannot be denied;
+    Granted; and then it will be found,
+      They're _little else_ beside.
+
+
+        CXLIII.--AN HONEST HORSE.
+
+A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with
+emphatic earnestness, that "he was an _honest_ horse." After the
+purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. "Why,
+sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to
+_throw_ me, and he certainly never _deceived_ me."
+
+
+        CXLIV.--THE RETORT CUTTING.
+
+BISHOPS SHERLOCK and HOADLY were both freshmen of the same year, at
+Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were
+first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a
+compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing.
+Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival, said,
+when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's
+_translation_ to-day."--"Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for
+I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is
+the only one in the college."
+
+
+        CXLV.--ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.
+
+MR. HENRY ERSKINE, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess
+of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and
+pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?"--"O!" answered her
+grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place--I hate it."--"Madam," replied
+the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark
+morning,--I _won't rise_ to-day."
+
+
+        CXLVI.--A LOVE SONG, BY DEAN SWIFT.
+
+    A PUD IN is almi de si re,
+    Mimis tres Ine ver require,
+    Alo veri find it a gestis,
+    His miseri ne ver at restis.
+
+
+        CXLVII.--BY THE SAME.
+
+    MOLLIS abuti,
+    Has an acuti,
+    No lasso finis,
+    Molli divinis.
+    O mi de armis tres,
+    Imi nadis tres,
+    Cantu disco ver
+    Meas alo ver?
+
+
+        CXLVIII.--A HAPPY SUGGESTION.
+
+WHEN Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the
+Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l.
+15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold
+suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The
+Nightingale's Wing."
+
+
+        CXLIX.--PLAYING ON A WORD.
+
+LORD ORFORD was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the
+celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration.
+Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia.
+Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said,
+"I think I saw a _lyre_ there." George Selwyn, who was of the party,
+whispered his next man, "Yes, and there is _one less_ since he left the
+country."
+
+
+        CL.--AN EYE TO PROFIT.
+
+A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious,
+was always abusing the avarice of others, added, "Is it not strange that
+this man will not take the _beam out of his own eye_ before he attempts
+the _mote_ in other people's?"--"Why, so I daresay he would," cried
+Sheridan, "if he was sure of _selling the timber_."
+
+
+        CLI.--"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."
+
+A VERY small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some
+supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took
+off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, "Sir, if
+you were not my officer, I would _extinguish_ you."
+
+
+        CLII.--A.I.
+
+A LEARNED barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did
+not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They
+are in Martial."--"Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on
+underwriting."--"Not so bad," replied the other. "After all, there is
+not so much difference between an _under writer_ and a _minor_ poet."
+
+
+        CLIII.--QUALIFYING FOR BAIL.
+
+A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in
+the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to
+him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth
+3,000l.?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to
+2,940. "That's all very good," said the serjeant, "but you want 60l.
+more to be worth 3,000."--"For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no
+ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and
+I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The serjeant looked
+abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well,
+brother Davy, I _think_ we may accept the bail."
+
+
+        CLIV.--BARRY'S POWERS OF PLEASING.
+
+SPRANGER BARRY, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of
+persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the
+Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in
+demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, "Don't be
+in a passion; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on
+the business."--"Not I," answered the man; "you owe me one hundred
+pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you
+till you owe me _two_."
+
+
+        CLV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+"IT is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination
+never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."--_Court
+Journal_.
+
+    'Tis right that Cumberland should be
+    In this resolve so steady,
+    For all the world declare that he
+    Is _too bare-faced_ already!
+
+
+        CLVI.--SENTENCE OF DEATH.
+
+THE following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy
+inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his
+pig's victuals.
+
+"SIR,--I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming
+Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My
+Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.
+
+                                                             "RD. GOLD."
+
+
+        CLVII.--NATIVE WIT.
+
+JOHN was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and
+the miller said, "John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me
+what you do know, and what you don't know."--"Well," replied John, "I
+know millers' hogs are fat!"--"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't
+you know?"--"I don't know _whose corn_ fats 'em!"
+
+
+        CLVIII.--WORTH THE MONEY.
+
+SIR ROBERT WALPOLE having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney
+said the honorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics. Sir
+Robert adhered to his version, and bet his opponent a guinea that he was
+right, proposing Mr. Harding as arbiter. The bet being accepted, Harding
+rose, and with ludicrous solemnity gave his decision against his patron.
+The guinea was thrown across the House; and when Pulteney stooped to
+pick it up, he observed, that "it was the first _public money_ he had
+touched for a long time." After his death, the guinea was found wrapped
+up in a piece of paper on which the circumstance was recorded.
+
+
+        CLIX.--SUITED TO HIS SUBJECT.
+
+THE ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major
+_Cart-wright_, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the
+_Common-Wheel_.
+
+
+        CLX.--NOT _versus_ NOTT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN of Maudlin, whose name was _Nott_, returning late from his
+friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his
+name and college. "I am _Nott_ of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping.
+"Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, "I did not ask of what
+college you are _not_, but of what college you are."--"I am _Nott_ of
+Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he
+considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and
+demanded of the porter, "whether he knew the gentleman."--"Know him,
+sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. _Nott_ of this college." The
+proctor now perceived his error in _not_ understanding the gentleman,
+and wished him a good night.
+
+
+        CLXI.--A COCKNEY EPIGRAM.
+
+    In Parliament, it's plain enough,
+      No reverence for age appears;
+    For they who hear each speaker's _stuff_,
+      Find there is no respect for _(y) ears_.
+
+
+        CLXII.--THE PINK OF POLITENESS.
+
+LORD BERKELEY was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of
+politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until
+they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers,
+and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, "Pray, my Lord
+Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?"--"Not since you
+hanged _your tutor_, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord
+Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was
+hanged.
+
+
+        CLXIII.--HIGH AND LOW.
+
+"I EXPECT six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman
+to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church
+or Low Church, sir?"--"What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the
+astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the reply. "If they are High
+Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, _they'll eat_!"
+
+
+        CLXIV.--CITY LOVE.
+
+    IN making love let poor men sigh,
+      But love that's ready-made is better
+    For men of business;--so I,
+      If madam will be cruel, let her.
+    But should she wish that I should wait
+      And miss the 'Change,--oh no, I thank her,
+    I court by _deed_, or after _date_,
+      Through my solicitor or banker.
+
+
+        CLXV.--INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.
+
+A SOLDIER in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that
+general, who reprimanded him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said
+the soldier. "I have the choice of names; if I had known one more
+illustrious _than yours_, I should have taken it."
+
+
+        CLXVI.--LORD CHESTERFIELD.
+
+WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to
+his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the
+king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council,
+however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous
+precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant
+of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking
+him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with
+whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up.
+"With the _devil's_!" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And
+shall the instrument," said the Earl, coolly, "run as usual, _Our trusty
+and well-beloved cousin and counsellor_?"--a repartee at which the king
+laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.
+
+
+        CLXVII.--SPECIAL PLEADING.
+
+WHEN a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if
+he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader,
+he replied, "Pray, sir, can your son _eat saw-dust without butter_?"
+
+
+        CLXVIII.--ON A NEW DUKE.
+
+    ASK you why gold and velvet bind
+      The temples of that cringing thief?
+    Is it so strange a thing to find
+      A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?
+
+
+        CLXIX.--THE ZODIAC CLUB.
+
+ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it
+should consist of twelve members, and be called "The Zodiac," each
+member to be named after a sign.
+
+"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid
+that his name would be forgotten.
+
+_Jerrold._--"Oh, we'll bring you in as the _weight_ in Libra."
+
+
+        CLXX.--QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE
+        HUMPHREY, AT ST. ALBAN'S.
+
+    "A PLAGUE on Egypt's arts, I say--
+    Embalm the dead--on senseless clay
+      Rich wine and spices waste:
+    Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I,
+    Bound in a precious pickle lie,
+      Which I can never taste!
+    Let me embalm this flesh of mine,
+    With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine,
+      And spoil the Egyptian trade,
+    Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I,
+    Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie
+      A mummy ready made."
+
+
+        CLXXI.--STRIKING REPROOF.
+
+IT being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion,
+knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this
+was told by Lord Strangford, observed: "Oh! nothing is more natural for
+a literary lady than to double down a page."--"I would rather," replied
+his lordship, "advise Caroline to _turn over a new leaf_."
+
+
+        CLXXII.--A PRETTY PICTURE.
+
+E---- taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working
+at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her
+lips. "Do not trouble yourself so much, madam," exclaimed the painter;
+"if you please, I will draw your face _without any mouth_ at all."
+
+
+        CLXXIII.--UNKNOWN TONGUE.
+
+DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to
+the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no a wonderfu' thing that
+the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?"--"Not a
+bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their
+prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the
+French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic,
+"Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could _understan'_ them?"
+
+
+        CLXXIV.--DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD.
+
+WHILST the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the
+bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and dignity of
+a barrister, which was frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at that
+time Chief Justice. The attempts of the Chief Justice to brow-beat the
+counsel were on many occasions kept in check by the manly and dignified
+conduct of Mr. Dunning. Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in
+discovering the gist of a cause, and having done so, used to amuse
+himself by taking up a book or a newspaper, whilst counsel was
+addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dunning was speaking, and his
+Lordship seemed thus to hold his argument as of no consequence, the
+advocate would stop suddenly in his address, and on his Lordship
+observing, "Pray go on, Mr. Dunning," he would reply, "I beg your
+pardon, my Lord, but I fear I shall interrupt your Lordship's _more
+important_ occupations. I will wait until your Lordship has leisure to
+attend to my client and his humble advocate."
+
+
+        CLXXV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(A good word for Ministers.)
+
+    THE Whigs 'tis said have often broke
+    Their promises which end in smoke;
+      Thus their defence I build;
+    Granted in office they have slept,
+    Yet sure those _promises_ are _kept_
+      Which never are fulfilled.
+
+
+        CLXXVI.--CHANGING HIS LINE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a man who had been
+hanged, was told that he was dead. "And did he continue in the _grocery
+line_?" said the former. "Oh no," replied Jack; "he was quite in a
+_different line_ when he died."
+
+
+        CLXXVII.--TALL AND SHORT.
+
+AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very
+tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a
+friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."
+
+
+        CLXXVIII.--AN ODD COMPARISON.
+
+SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which
+were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the
+farmer, "do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and
+at two colleges in each university?"--"Well, sir," said the farmer,
+"what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I
+made was, the more he sucked, the greater _calf_ he grew."
+
+
+        CLXXIX.--ON THE RIGHT SIDE.
+
+IT was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing
+that he borrowed, "that he had _lost half_ of his memory."
+
+
+        CLXXX.--CAUSE OF ABSENCE.
+
+WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his
+wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in
+the Bench, "I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this
+case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Brougham, "but I understand he is
+ill--suffering from _Scarlett fever_."
+
+
+        CLXXXI.--THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.
+
+THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent
+than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:--
+
+"He is," says she, "an abhorred, barbarous, capricious, detestable,
+envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous,
+keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, passionate,
+quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious,
+abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating,
+gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless,
+savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious,
+blustering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful,
+inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing,
+unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring,
+incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring,
+sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome,
+tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling,
+brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal,
+dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable,
+irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive,
+outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged,
+spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly,
+suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent,
+wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger."
+
+
+        CLXXXII.--A FAMILIAR ILLUSTRATION.
+
+A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects
+of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."--"Quite
+right; can you give me an example?"--"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot,
+the days are longer; but in winter, which is _cold_, the days are
+_shorter_."
+
+
+        CLXXXIII.--HAPPINESS.
+
+HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in
+strangers' gardens.
+
+
+        CLXXXIV.--TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.
+
+IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in
+terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in
+this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the
+author would think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately
+happens, that those portions which are _new_ are not _true_, and those
+which are _true_ are not _new_!"
+
+
+        CLXXXV.--A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.
+
+A GENTLEMAN waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in
+behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of
+money.
+
+"Well," said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, "how much
+does ---- want this time?"
+
+"Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight," the
+bearer of the hat replied.
+
+_Jerrold._--"Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time."
+
+
+        CLXXXVI.--WASTE OF TIME.
+
+AN old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his
+friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. "Alas!" said he
+to them, "it is hardly worth while to _dress_ myself again."
+
+
+        CLXXXVII.--SCOTCH SIMPLICITY.
+
+AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a _clanking_
+noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her
+bedside, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin
+you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel." To which
+Jenny replied. "Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna
+expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your
+folk."
+
+
+        CLXXXVIII.--TWOFOLD ILLUSTRATION.
+
+SIR FLETCHER NORTON was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading
+before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced
+unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant
+in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge
+immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all _know_
+it, Sir Fletcher."
+
+
+        CLXXXIX.--NAT LEE AND SIR ROGER L'ESTRANGE.
+
+THE author of "Alexander the Great," whilst confined in a madhouse, was
+visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee
+entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the
+poet knew him, Lee answered:--
+
+    "Custom may alter men, and manners change:
+    But I am still _strange Lee_, and you L'Estrange:
+    I'm poor in purse as you are poor in brains."
+
+
+        CXC.--MAIDS AND WIVES.
+
+WOMEN are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make
+'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage
+certificates, and defy you.--D.J.
+
+
+        CXCI.--TRAGEDY MS.
+
+LISTON, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury
+Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by
+the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, "That parcel
+contains a manuscript tragedy." And on being asked why, replied,
+"Because the _fifth_ act is peeping out at one corner of it."
+
+
+        CXCII.--A TRUE COURTIER.
+
+ONE day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was
+announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. "Sir Isaac,"
+said the king, "are you a judge of horses?"--"In my younger days, please
+your majesty, I was a great deal among them," was the reply. "What do
+you think of this, then?" said the king, who was by this time preparing
+to mount his favorite: and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we
+call him. _Perfection_."--"A most appropriate name," replied the courtly
+herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he _bears_ the
+best of characters."
+
+
+        CXCIII.--RARE VIRTUE.
+
+THE paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one of Jonathan Wild,
+who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully
+satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could _gain
+nothing_ by refraining from it.
+
+
+        CXCIV.--A POSER.
+
+A COXCOMB in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain
+popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his
+pointed to the coxcomb: "See, sir, the real author of your favorite
+song."--"Well," replied the other, "the gentleman _might_ have made it,
+for I assure him I found no difficulty in doing it myself."
+
+
+        CXCV.--A SHEEPISH COMPLIMENT.
+
+LORD COCKBURN, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside
+with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest
+situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on
+the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ah, my lord, but if
+ye had been a _sheep_ ye would hae had mair sense."
+
+
+        CXCVI.--CONSIDERABLE LATITUDE.
+
+SIR RICHARD JEBB being called to see a patient who fancied himself very
+ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for
+him. "Now you are here," said the patient, "I shall be obliged to you,
+Sir Richard, if you will tell me how I must live; what I may eat, and
+what I may not."--"My directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard,
+"will be few and simple! You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs,
+for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, because they are
+_windy_; but eat anything else you please!"
+
+
+        CXCVII.--FARMER AND ATTORNEY.
+
+AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told
+he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at
+the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional
+friend. The farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows:--
+
+    "Here are two fat wethers fallen out together,
+    If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other,
+    And make 'em agree like brother and brother."
+
+The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the
+dispute.
+
+
+        CXCVIII.--A WIFE AT FORTY.
+
+"MY notion of a wife at forty," said Jerrold, "is, that a man should be
+able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties."
+
+
+        CXCIX.--DISAPPROBATION.
+
+AN actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of
+having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a principal
+part in the piece, the whole of his audience (thirty in number), hissed
+him whenever he appeared. When the piece ended, he came forward and
+said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your
+kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope
+you will be at least _six times_ as many as are here to-night."
+
+
+        CC.--NOVEL OFFENCE.
+
+COOKE and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the
+middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had passed his hand along all
+the palisades and shutters as he marched, came in contact with the
+recently-painted new front of a coachmaker's shop, from which he
+obtained a complete handful of wet color. Without any explanation as to
+the cause of his anger, he rushed suddenly into the middle of the
+street, and raised a stone to hurl against the unoffending windows; but
+Dibdin was in time to save them from destruction, and him from the
+watch-house. On being asked the cause of his hostility to the premises
+of a man who could not have offended him, he replied, with a hiccup,
+"what! not offend? A ---- ignorant coachmaker, to leave his _house out_,
+new-painted, at this time of night!"
+
+
+        CCI.--MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.
+
+A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain
+place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How
+came you to be so exact, my friend?"--"Because I expected _some fool_ or
+other would ask me, and so I measured it."
+
+
+        CCII.--VERY CLEAR.
+
+"WHAT is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. "A
+sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.
+
+
+        CCIII.--BROTHERLY LOVE.
+
+"AH!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been
+preaching to a congregation of asses."--"Then that was the reason why
+you always called them _beloved brethren_," replied a strong-minded
+lady.
+
+
+        CCIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    BY a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd,
+    The electors would find him as good as his word!
+    "_As good as his word_," did you say, "gracious me!
+    _What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be_!"
+
+
+        CCV.--MODEST.
+
+IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best
+debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, "Lord
+Stanley is the _second_, madam."
+
+
+        CCVI.--A JOINT CONCERN.
+
+A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the
+performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well
+to-day."--"_We_ performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was _I_
+performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated
+piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ
+stopped; the organist cried out in a passion, "Why don't you blow?" The
+fellow popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it
+be _we_ then?"
+
+
+        CCVII.--PROFESSIONAL.
+
+AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
+replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we
+are unable to find room for it."
+
+
+        CCVIII.--A GOOD REASON.
+
+A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his
+domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out
+to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the nobleman,
+"because he has _served me_ these twenty years."
+
+
+        CCIX.--ON A BAD MAN.
+
+    BY imbecility and fears
+      Will is restrain'd from doing ill;
+    His mind a porcupine appears,
+      A porcupine _without a quill_.
+
+
+        CCX.--A CLEVER DOG.
+
+AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds,
+called the "Caravan," Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on
+purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. "Where is he?" was the
+first question: "where is my guardian angel?"--"Here I am," answered
+Reynolds. "Pooh!" replied Sheridan, "I don't mean _you_, I mean _the
+dog_."
+
+
+        CCXI.--A KNOTTY POINT.
+
+THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots _scattered_
+through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was
+impossible they could have been _collected_.
+
+
+        CCXII.--GEORGE SELWYN.
+
+THIS gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted by the
+frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him
+with questions and asking him how he did. "How are you now, sir?" said
+the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity,
+replied, "Very well; and I intend to continue so _all the rest_ of the
+journey."
+
+
+        CCXIII.--EMPEROR OF CHINA.
+
+SIR G. STAUNTON related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of
+China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians
+were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made
+to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, "Is any man well in England,
+that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you," said he, "how I
+manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is
+committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am
+ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my
+illnesses are _usually short_."
+
+
+        CCXIV.--LANDLORD AND TENANTS.
+
+    SAYS his landlord to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
+      I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
+    "Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good;
+      For I never can _raise it_ myself."
+
+
+        CCXV.--AN UGLY DOG.
+
+JERROLD had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the
+country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly, "What an
+ugly little brute!" whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied,
+"Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks _about us_ at this moment!"
+
+
+        CCXVI.--THE WRONG LEG.
+
+MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton,
+D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of
+pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving,
+could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain.
+Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, "Don't make yourself
+unhappy, D'Egville; _perhaps it is in the other leg_."
+
+
+        CCXVII.--FEMALE TALKERS.
+
+IT was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one
+side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his
+sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the
+congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman
+immediately rose, and wishing to clear her own sex from the aspersion,
+said: "Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."--"So
+much the better, good woman, so much the better," answered the
+clergyman; "it will be the _sooner over_."
+
+
+        CCXVIII.--FIGHTING BY MEASURE.
+
+THE usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen
+Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most
+likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at
+"the place called Fifteen Acres--'be the same more or less.'"
+
+
+        CCXIX.--SUGGESTION.
+
+"DO you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal
+performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the
+other. "Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed,
+by accident, some train oil."--"I don't think," rejoined Bannister, "it
+would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had _swallowed a
+dancing-master_!"
+
+
+        CCXX.--THE FORCE OF SATIRE.
+
+JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of
+money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a
+message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog that he
+who wrote these can write more":--
+
+    "With leering looks, bull-necked, and freckled face,
+    With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair,
+    And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!"
+
+Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion
+of the portrait, immediately sent the money.
+
+
+        CCXXI.--THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.
+
+JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the
+subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see
+the English and French such good friends at last. "Tut! the best thing I
+know between France and England is--_the sea_," said Jerrold.
+
+
+        CCXXII.--QUIN'S SAYING.
+
+ON the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin
+used to say, "Every king in Europe would rise with a _crick in his
+neck_."
+
+
+        CCXXIII.--A GOOD REASON.
+
+A CERTAIN minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked
+him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied
+he, "for mine eyes have not come together these three nights."--"What is
+the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," said he, "because _my
+nose_ was betwixt them."
+
+
+        CCXXIV.--BILLY BROWN AND THE COUNSELLOR.
+
+WHEN Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury
+Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of
+Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going
+into court, the counsellor, shocked at the shabby dress of the witness,
+began to remonstrate with him on this point: "You should have put on
+your Sunday clothes, and not think of coming into court covered with
+lime and brick-dust; it detracts from the credit of your
+evidence."--"_Be cool, Mr. Counsellor_," said Billy, "_only be cool,
+you're in your working-dress, and I am in mine; and that's that_."
+
+
+        CCXXV.--THE RULING PASSION AFTER DEATH.
+
+A DRUNKEN witness leaving the box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared
+for anything but women and horseflesh!" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you
+never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to
+go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to
+it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you
+flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever
+happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death,
+some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were
+the _dearest objects_ of your affections."
+
+
+        CCXXVI.--CUT AND COME AGAIN.
+
+A GENTLEMAN who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who
+drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a
+charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the
+horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he,
+"it's _whipcord_ it is!"
+
+
+        CCXXVII.--CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLASS.
+
+A REMARKABLY ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a
+dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a
+glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite
+neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I
+never break a glass."--"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply,
+"you ought whenever _you look in one_."
+
+
+        CCXXVIII.--UNION IS STRENGTH.
+
+A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north
+got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister,
+who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie,"
+said the minister, "that's my place."--"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie;
+"they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this
+place, and it will _take us baith_ to manage them."
+
+
+        CCXXIX.--FRENCH PRECIPITATION.
+
+THE late Mr. Pétion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a
+knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself
+thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely
+_two-and-thirty minutes_ in the Old Bailey.
+
+
+        CCXXX.--MAKING IT UP.
+
+AN attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough
+provided, upon one occasion when _company_ were expected, he asked if
+she had _brothed_ the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well
+then," said he, "broth 'em _again_."
+
+
+        CCXXXI.--OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.
+
+BUBB DODDINGTON was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner
+with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached
+Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep;
+and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been
+saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and
+Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and
+yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew
+that about this time of day _you would tell that story_."
+
+
+        CCXXXII.--HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
+
+A CRITIC one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated
+novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.
+
+"Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a
+thunderbolt!"
+
+
+        CCXXXIII.--EQUALITY.
+
+SOME one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said,
+"All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's
+Byron, he was a Harrow boy--"--"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's
+Burns,--he was a _ploughboy_."
+
+
+        CCXXXIV.--QUITE NATURAL.
+
+"DID any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an
+infant school in a fast neighborhood.--"_I_ have!" shouted a
+six-year-old at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles,
+amused by his earnestness. "_On the elephant_!" was the reply.
+
+
+        CCXXXV.--MISER'S CHARITY.
+
+AN illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat,"
+but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to
+that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks
+proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is
+_nothing to nobody_."
+
+
+        CCXXXVI.--SHAKING HANDS.
+
+AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon
+one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should
+shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,--"For,"
+said he, "their hands have been _shaking_ this half-hour."
+
+
+        CCXXXVII.--MILTON ON WOMAN.
+
+MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in
+the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is
+sufficient for a woman."
+
+
+        CCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)
+
+    THE privilege _hard_ money to demand,
+    It seems but fair the public should surrender;
+    For I confess I ne'er could understand
+    Why cash called _hard_, should be a legal _tender_.
+
+
+        CCXXXIX.--A GOOD REASON.
+
+"THAT'S a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the
+old dame, "and _he_ never cries."--"That's because he's never washed,"
+rejoined the youngster.
+
+
+        CCXL.--ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.
+
+    IF Farren, cleverest of men,
+      Should go to the right about,
+    What part of town will he be then?
+      Why, "Farren-done-without!"
+
+
+        CCXLI.--PADDY'S LOGIC.
+
+"THE sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two
+of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we _want
+it_, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have _no
+occasion for it_."
+
+
+        CCXLII.--WARNING TO LADIES.
+
+BEWARE of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have
+ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.
+
+
+        CCXLIII.--A MOT OF DE FOE.
+
+WHEN Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was
+expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator;
+but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the
+_Spectator_ than the _Tatler_."
+
+
+        CCXLIV.--A FAIR REPULSE.
+
+AT the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been
+taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as
+at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming
+danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation,
+and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up
+at Cumnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single
+volunteer!"--"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French
+land at Ayr, there will soon be _plenty of volunteers up at Cumnock_."
+
+
+        CCXLV.--CLAW AND CLAW.
+
+LORD ERSKINE and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably conceited, were in
+the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their
+respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he
+would write Erskine's epitaph; to which the other replied, that "such an
+intention on the doctor's part was almost a temptation to commit
+suicide."
+
+
+        CCXLVI.--THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.
+
+THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance
+has given rise to the following:--
+
+    I have lost my portmanteau--
+      "I pity your grief;"
+    It contained all my sermons--
+      "I pity the thief."
+
+
+        CCXLVII.--FORCE OF NATURE.
+
+S----'S head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the
+law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most _empty_ is
+generally _uppermost_.
+
+
+        CCXLVIII.--BLOWING A NOSE.
+
+SIR WILLIAM CHERE had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon
+with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a
+snuff-taker, was continually using his snuff-box. Observing him leaning
+continually over the table, and being at the same time in a very bad
+humor with the game, the general said, "Sir William, blow your
+nose!"--"Blow it _yourself_!" said Sir William; "'tis as near you as
+me!"
+
+
+        CCXLIX.--TOO CIVIL.
+
+MACKLIN one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a
+gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately
+before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him.
+Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder with his cane, and, with much
+seeming civility, requested "that when he saw or heard anything that was
+entertaining on the stage, to let him and the gentleman with him know of
+it, as at present we must totally depend on _your kindness_." This had
+the desired effect,--and the lounger walked off.
+
+
+        CCL.--TORY LIBERALITY.
+
+A CERTAIN anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the
+passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept _open house_, at least,
+so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows.
+
+
+        CCLI.--A CAPITAL JOKE.
+
+LORD BRAXFIELD (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the
+bar, "You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane
+_the waur_ o' a hanging."
+
+
+        CCLII.--PIG-HEADED.
+
+MR. JUSTICE P----, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one
+of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quantity of
+copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the "copper,"
+which he uniformly called "lead," adding, "I beg your pardon,
+gentlemen,--_copper_; but _I can't get the lead out of my head_!" At
+this candid confession the whole court shouted with laughter.
+
+
+        CCLIII.--BURIED WORTH.
+
+SIR THOMAS OVERBURY says, that the man who has not anything to boast of
+but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato,--the only good
+belonging to him is _underground_.
+
+
+        CCLIV.--A JUST DEBTOR.
+
+ON one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe,
+to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady.
+On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check
+for 25l. and presented it to him. "But, my lord, you promised me
+100l."--"True," said his lordship, "I did so; but you know, Mr. ----,
+that I am now making arrangements with all my creditors _at 5s. in the
+pound_. Now you must see, Mr. ----, that if I were to pay you at a
+higher rate than I pay them, I should be doing my creditors an
+injustice!"
+
+
+        CCLV.--A SOUND CONCLUSION.
+
+SIR WILLIAM CURTIS sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded
+to the excellence of the knives, adding, that "articles manufactured
+from _cast steel_ were of a very superior quality, such as razors,
+forks, &c."--"Ay," replied the facetious baronet, "and soap too--there's
+no soap like _Castile_ soap."
+
+
+        CCLVI.--CUTTING HIS COAT.
+
+WHEN Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was
+very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the "Emperor of the Dandies"
+for a "cut" which he had just patronized. The Duke, in the course of his
+eulogy on his Schneider, had frequent occasion to use the words "my
+coat."--"Your coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell: "what coat?"--"Why,
+_this_ coat," said Leinster; "this coat that I have on." Brummell, after
+regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the
+Duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful
+of contamination,--"What, Duke, do you call _that thing_ a coat?"
+
+
+        CCLVII.--NON SEQUITUR.
+
+ONE of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, "Who was the father
+of George III.?"--"My darling," he answered, "it was Frederick, Prince
+of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived."
+
+
+        CCLVIII.--ANY PORT IN A STORM.
+
+A VERY worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's
+was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship they had
+mutually insured. His friend observed, "Do you know that I suspect our
+ship is in _jeopardy_?"--"Well, I am glad that she has got _into some
+port at last_," replied the other.
+
+
+        CCLIX.--INGRATITUDE.
+
+WHEN Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a
+banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest
+estimation, assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there
+at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, "Ah! sir! I did not expect that
+from _you_: for you know that, when all the country refused your notes,
+I _took_ them."
+
+
+        CCLX.--NOT SO BAD FOR A KING.
+
+GEORGE IV., on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered
+Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, "I won't say
+that Mr. Moore has _murdered_ Sheridan, but he has certainly _attempted
+his life_."
+
+
+        CCLXI.--A BAD CROP.
+
+AFTER a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country
+gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful
+rain; I hope it will bring up _everything out of the ground_."--"By
+Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have sowed three wives in
+it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again."
+
+
+        CCLXII.--"NONE SO BLIND," ETC.
+
+DANIEL PURCELL, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King
+George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him:
+"Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight."--"Yes," replied
+Daniel, "I think I know him, _but I can't swear to him_."
+
+
+        CCLXIII.--DUPLEX MOVEMENT.
+
+A WORTHY alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his
+company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the
+word, "_Advance_ three paces _back-wards_! march!"
+
+
+        CCLXIV.--COULEUR DE ROSE.
+
+AN officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he should come in
+contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed,
+"Keep off, you black rascal."--"You were as black as me before you were
+_boiled_," cried sooty.
+
+
+        CCLXV.--A FEELING WITNESS.
+
+A LAWYER, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an
+infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the
+jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite
+lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"--"_He pinched me_!"
+answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with
+laughter.
+
+
+        CCLXVI.--EXTREMES MEET.
+
+AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught
+him there again, he'd lock him up in the _ice-house_ and _warm_ his
+jacket.
+
+
+        CCLXVII.--DR. WEATHER-EYE.
+
+AN Irish gentleman was relating in company that he _saw_ a terrible wind
+the other night. "_Saw_ a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind
+being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"--"_Like_ to have blown my
+house about my ears," replied the first.
+
+
+        CCLXVIII.--HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.
+
+AN old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her
+absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He
+accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother,"
+then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather
+bad), the old lady exclaimed, "_Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always
+stuttered_!"
+
+
+        CCLXIX.--A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.
+
+DR. HENNIKER, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl
+of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said
+the doctor, "wit is like what a pension would be, given by your
+lordship to your humble servant, _a good thing well applied_."
+
+
+        CCLXX.--NATURAL TRANSMUTATION.
+
+THE house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in
+Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's
+shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:--
+
+    "The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,
+      Now to a smith doth pass;
+    How naturally the _iron age_
+      Succeeds the _age of brass_!"
+
+
+        CCLXXI.--CRITICS.
+
+LORD BACON, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, "With all
+their pretensions, they were only _brushers_ of noblemen's clothes."
+
+
+        CCLXXII.--QUESTION AND ANSWER.
+
+A QUAKER was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain
+duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by
+his _theeing_ and _thouing_, one of them with a stern countenance asked
+him, "Pray, sir, do you know what _we sit here for_?"--"Yea," replied
+Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen
+hundred and fifty pounds a year."
+
+
+        CCLXXIII.--A TRUE JOKE.
+
+A MAN having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual,
+asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against
+him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far
+enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you
+please, my lord, _we'll drop the subject_."
+
+
+        CCLXXIV.--THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.
+
+A JUDGE asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my
+lord," says he. "And why not fourscore and eight?" says the judge.
+"Because," replied he, "I was _eight_ before I was fourscore."
+
+
+        CCLXXV.--A CITY VARNISH.
+
+IT being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of
+Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and
+the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their
+assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or
+mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a
+gentleman present; "if you wish to _bring the figures out_, varnish it
+with _turtle soup_."
+
+
+        CCLXXVI.--A RUB AT A RASCAL.
+
+GEORGE COLMAN being once told that a man whose character was not very
+immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal
+and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's
+earth, it _daubs your coat_ a little for a time, but when it is _rubbed
+off_ your coat is so much the cleaner."
+
+
+        CCLXXVII.--A SAGE SIMILE.
+
+MR. THACKERAY once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and
+_onions_."
+
+
+        CCLXXVIII.--AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.
+
+_On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury
+Church._
+
+    The King of Great Britain was reckoned before
+      The _head of the Church_ by all Protestant people;
+    His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more,
+      For with them he is now made the _head of the steeple_.
+
+
+        CCLXXIX.--THE MAJESTY OF MUD.
+
+DURING the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the
+Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a
+troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and
+observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have
+often heard you and others talk of the _majesty_ of the people; but I
+never saw any of the young _princes and princesses_ till now."
+
+
+        CCLXXX.--A PROVIDENT BOY.
+
+AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday
+with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom,
+you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."--"O yes," retorted the
+half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for _yesterday_ and _to-day_ yet,
+father."
+
+
+        CCLXXXI.--A QUERY ANSWERED.
+
+    "WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings
+      No jester to their courts admit?"
+    "They're grown such stately solemn things,
+      To bear a joke they think not fit.
+    But though each court a jester lacks,
+      To laugh at monarchs to their faces,
+    Yet all mankind, behind their backs,
+      Supply the honest jesters' places."
+
+
+        CCLXXXII.--A WOMAN'S PROMISES.
+
+ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen
+Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face
+in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he
+thinks of nothing?"--"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which
+the Queen returned, "I must not _confute_ you, Sir Edward," and she left
+him.
+
+
+        CCLXXXIII.--THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.
+
+SARAH, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a
+medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove
+serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then,
+my lord duke, for it must be of _service_ one way or the other."
+
+
+        CCLXXXIV.--ROYAL FAVOR.
+
+A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken
+to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me
+_stand out of the way_."
+
+
+        CCLXXXV.--BLACK AND WHITE.
+
+    THE Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,
+    And boast that they are only blessed with light.
+    Peel's politics to both sides so incline,
+    He may be called the _equinoctial line_.
+
+
+        CCLXXXVI.--THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.
+
+AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid
+to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to
+be apprehended."
+
+
+        CCLXXXVII.--A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.
+
+DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram,
+being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in
+years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus
+replied:--
+
+    "Ancient Phyllis has young graces,
+    'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.
+      Shall I tell you how?
+    She herself makes her own faces,
+    And each morning wears a new one!
+      _Where's the wonder now_?"
+
+
+        CCLXXXVIII.--BRIGHT AND SHARP.
+
+A LITTLE boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a
+gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth,
+they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years,
+and _vice versâ_. "What a _very sensible boy_, sir, must _you_ have
+been!" returned the child.
+
+
+        CCLXXXIX.--A WOODMAN.
+
+A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was
+asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in
+a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great
+_deal_ every morning."--"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a
+_timber-yard_," was the rejoinder.
+
+
+        CCXC.--HUMAN HAPPINESS.
+
+A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth,
+boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the _happiest_ fellows
+in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged
+seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy
+that they have escaped."
+
+
+        CCXCI.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
+
+A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not
+finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship,
+"all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may _fit him_!"
+
+
+        CCXCII.--A DESERVED RETORT.
+
+A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an
+acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought
+it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the
+gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's _lands_, which is
+more than you can say."
+
+
+        CCXCIII.--A POETICAL SHAPE.
+
+WHEN Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that
+he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was
+_in and out_, like the lines of _a Pindaric ode_.
+
+
+        CCXCIV.--A COMMON CASE.
+
+A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a
+little, asked him where he lived? "Where I _live_," said he, "I don't
+know; but I _starve_ towards Wapping, and that way."
+
+
+        CCXCV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    YOU beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:
+    Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.
+
+
+        CCXCVI.--TOO COLD TO CHANGE.
+
+A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised
+him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam,"
+answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any
+_habit_, be it ever so bad."
+
+
+        CCXCVII.--SEALING AN OATH.
+
+    "Do you," said Fanny, t' other day,
+    "In earnest love me as you say;
+    Or are those tender words applied
+    Alike to fifty girls beside?"
+    "Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear,
+    For by those eyes,--those _lips_ I swear!"
+    She stopped me as the oath I took,
+    And cried, "You've sworn,--_now kiss the book_."
+
+
+        CCXCVIII.--A NEAT QUOTATION.
+
+LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause,
+was told that Mr. Serjeant _Joy_, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr.
+_Hope_, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His
+lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:--
+
+    "_Hope_ told a flattering tale,
+    That _Joy_ would soon return."
+
+
+        CCXCIX.--GOOD SPORT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat
+in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before
+breakfast. "Thirty-three _hairs_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir!
+then you must have been firing at a _wig_."
+
+
+        CCC.--AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.
+
+A NOBLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair
+of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he
+arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty _hearse_ came by; on which his
+lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good
+fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send _you a fare_." This operated so
+strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon,
+and returned home in a whole skin.
+
+
+        CCCI.--A GOOD SERVANT.
+
+"I CAN'T conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you
+manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live
+at the rate you do."--"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."--"A
+place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,--pray what
+place?"--"_I am my own steward_."
+
+
+        CCCII.--BALANCING ACCOUNTS.
+
+THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father
+for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon
+your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my
+father's money."--"But you have spent a great deal of _my father's_,"
+replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.
+
+
+        CCCIII.--A NOVELTY.
+
+A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added
+another, "you have _now_ done it for the first time."
+
+
+        CCCIV.--SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.
+
+A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the
+Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of
+more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the
+reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to
+examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be
+permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."--"Then," said
+she, "I suppose your lordship was _smuggled_."
+
+
+        CCCV.--BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.
+
+THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some
+instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of
+a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her _compassion_:
+"Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"
+
+
+        CCCVI.--AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.
+
+AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him
+to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and
+see how you open your mouth, _that I may know what sort of words will
+fit it_."
+
+
+        CCCVII.--WHIG AND TORY.
+
+    WHIG and Tory scratch and bite,
+      Just as hungry dogs we see;
+    Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;
+      Throw a couple, they agree.
+
+
+        CCCVIII.--CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.
+
+A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female
+character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady,
+modestly, "one should be young and handsome."--"Nay, madam," replied the
+gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the _contrary_."
+
+
+        CCCIX.--A PLACEBO.
+
+WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said
+to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry,
+Fraser, to leave this _old_ place."--"Psha, sir," said George, "don't
+fret; when you had this _old_ place, you were _out_ of place; now you
+are _in place_, you can get both _yourself and me a better place_." The
+hint was taken, and old George provided for.
+
+
+        CCCX.--A PLACE WANTED.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid
+telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept
+scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I
+wish I could give _warning_ too."
+
+
+        CCCXI.--NOT TO BE BOUGHT.
+
+A COMMON-COUNCILMAN'S lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and
+inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess
+answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants
+anything it is a _capacity_: but for _that_ deficiency you know we must
+not blame _her_."--"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame _you_
+for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a
+_capacity_; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."
+
+
+        CCCXII.--SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.
+
+IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix,
+an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed
+that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the
+street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping
+_physic_ into the street be any proof of insanity."--"True, my lord,"
+replied the counsel, "but sweeping the _pots_ away, certainly was."
+
+
+        CCCXIII.--CRUEL SUGGESTION.
+
+LORD STANLEY came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King
+James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a
+sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation
+between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord
+Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your
+presence."--"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I
+send him to the Tower?"--"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley,
+"inflict a severer punishment,--_send him back to Scotland_!"
+
+
+        CCCXIV.--AN ODD FELLOW.
+
+LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more
+peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House
+of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the
+door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my _fellow
+be_?"--"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be
+near him, "_not in Europe_."
+
+
+        CCCXV.--POST-MORTEM.
+
+ONE of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and
+humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman
+having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made,
+intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs,
+madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."--To which she instantly
+replied, "But not till he was _dead_."
+
+
+        CCCXVI.--KNOWING HIS PLACE.
+
+AT a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there
+was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise
+every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord
+Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run
+up after that boy."--"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to
+_follow your Majesty_."
+
+
+        CCCXVII.--AN ATTIC JEST.
+
+SHERIDAN inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on
+his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to
+vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead
+a label, "To let."--"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, _unfurnished_,"
+rejoined the father.
+
+
+        CCCXVIII.--CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.
+
+LORD B----, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr.
+O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your
+whiskers on the _peace establishment_?"--"When you place your tongue on
+the _civil list_!" was the rejoinder.
+
+
+        CCCXIX.--A READY RECKONER.
+
+A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how
+much will a great boar (_bore_?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the
+scales, and I will _tell you immediately_."
+
+
+        CCCXX.--CATCHING HIM UP.
+
+AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am
+eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall
+be _both_ of an age."
+
+
+        CCCXXI.--A STOPPER.
+
+A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole
+purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the _stay_-maker.
+
+
+        CCCXXII.--A BOOK CASE.
+
+THERE is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who
+curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr.
+Curran, I may burn my law-books!"--"Better _read_ them, my lord," was
+the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.
+
+
+        CCCXXIII.--HINC ILLE LACHRYMÆ.
+
+"THE mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A----ll,
+"is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love
+every fortnight."--"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so
+mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the _press_, and wipes his eyes
+with _the public_."
+
+
+        CCCXXIV.--REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.
+
+IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in
+London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more
+punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied
+John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or
+conferred a favor on any man living, _no one would pray for him_."
+
+
+        CCCXXV.--A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.
+
+BISHOP WARBURTON, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at
+the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like,
+and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest
+butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher
+thumped the cushion."
+
+
+        CCCXXVI.--STONE BLIND.
+
+LORD BYRON'S valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by
+observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my
+lord, what capital _mantelpieces_ that marble would make in England!"
+
+
+        CCCXXVII.--AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.
+
+IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of
+Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession.
+"I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my
+roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then
+returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play,
+and as I can find _no trace_ of _a plot_ in either, you may go free."
+
+
+        CCCXXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.
+
+DR. JOHNSON was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely
+inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up
+the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to
+induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how
+extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied
+the doctor; "I wish it were _impossible_."
+
+
+        CCCXXIX.--MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.
+
+NATURE descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his
+parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at
+it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects
+crawling about it, which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest,
+grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are
+convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.--S.S.
+
+
+        CCCXXX.--PLEASANT DESERTS.
+
+A CERTAIN physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing
+all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and
+ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to
+attend you,--you _deserve_ to be ill."
+
+
+        CCCXXXI.--A HOME ARGUMENT.
+
+    BY one decisive argument
+    Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent,
+      To fix the bridal day.
+    "Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed?
+    I shall not change my mind," she said.
+      "But then," says he, "I _may_."
+
+
+        CCCXXXII.--A BAD PEN.
+
+"NATURE has written 'honest man' on his face," said a friend to Jerrold,
+speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether blind.
+"Humph!" Jerrold replied, "then the pen must have been a very bad one."
+
+
+        CCCXXXIII.--WIGNELL THE ACTOR.
+
+ONE of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was _Cato_: and on its
+revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his
+old-established part of _Portius_; and having stepped forward with a
+prodigious though accustomed strut, began:--
+
+    "The dawn is overcast; the morning lowers,
+    And heavily, in clouds, brings on the day."
+
+The audience upon this began to vociferate "Prologue! prologue!
+prologue!" when Wignell, finding them resolute, without betraying any
+emotion, pause, or change in his voice and manner, proceeded as if it
+were part of the play:--
+
+    "Ladies and gentlemen, there has been no
+    Prologue spoken to this play these twenty years--
+    The great, the important day, big with the fate
+    Of Cato and of Rome."
+
+This wonderful effusion put the audience in good humor: they laughed
+immoderately, clapped, and shouted "_Bravo_!" and Wignell still
+continued with his usual composure and stateliness.
+
+
+        CCCXXXIV.--CANDOR.
+
+A NOTORIOUS egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good
+qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason
+why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others
+when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain
+enough," said Macklin; "_impudence_,--nothing but stark-staring
+impudence!"
+
+
+        CCCXXXV.--A "COLD" COMPLIMENT.
+
+A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments,
+complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head.
+"No wonder," returned the doctor; "you always go out without _anything_
+in it."
+
+
+        CCCXXXVI.--READY REPLY.
+
+THE grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the
+unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough
+to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had
+often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green,
+when, in obedience to the calls of his appetite, he went to hall to
+dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for
+invading the rights of his superiors, and for that purpose he threw up
+the sash at which he was sitting, and called to the student,--"Sir, I
+never look out of my window but I see you walking across the
+grass-plot". "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk
+across the grass-plot, but I _see you_ looking out of your window." The
+master, pleased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window,
+convulsed with laughter.
+
+
+        CCCXXXVII.--FULL PROOF.
+
+LORD PETERBOROUGH was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of
+Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be
+roughly treated, said,--"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons
+that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only
+_five guineas_ in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at
+your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and
+acclamations.
+
+
+        CCCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.
+
+    IN merry Old England it once was the rule,
+    The king had his poet and also his fool;
+    But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it,
+    That Cibber can serve both for _fool_ and for _poet_.
+
+
+        CCCXXXIX.--A PROPHECY.
+
+CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his
+son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why,"
+answered the comedian, "he is going to _draw houses_, like his father."
+
+
+        CCCXL.--A FIXTURE.
+
+DR. ROGER LONG, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark
+evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short
+post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of
+conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily,
+"Get out of the way, boy."--"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously,
+"is a _post-boy_, who never turns out of the way for anybody."
+
+
+        CCCXLI.--FAMILY PRIDE.
+
+A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato.
+John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his
+mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist _twa_ in the dish,
+and they maun be _keepit_ for the strangers."
+
+
+        CCCXLII.--EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.
+
+THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: "What
+was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old
+was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?"
+Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen _feet_."
+Witness: "Sixteen _feet_! Did I say sixteen _feet_?" Counsel: "You did."
+Witness: "_If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet_!--you don't
+catch me crossing myself!"
+
+
+        CCCXLIII.--WAY OF THE WORLD.
+
+    DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend
+    To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;
+    Should his differ from ours on any pretence,
+    We pity his want both of judgment and sense;
+    But if he falls into and flatters our plan,
+    Why, really we think him a sensible man.
+
+
+        CCCXLIV.--A BROAD-SHEET HINT.
+
+IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be
+written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning
+to _spell_ are requested to use _yesterday's paper_."
+
+
+        CCCXLV.--MODEST MERIT.
+
+A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an
+engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable
+of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was
+"the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered
+the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part
+of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked
+the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part.
+"Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you
+were the _worst_ actor in the world."--"True," replied the other, "but
+then I had not _seen you_."
+
+
+        CCCXLVI.--SOFT, VERY!
+
+SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester
+road, "Lord M----ms has the softest lips in the universe.--PHILLIS."
+Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,--
+
+    "Then as like as two chips
+    Are his head and his lips.--AMARILLIS."
+
+
+        CCCXLVII.--CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.
+
+CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following
+anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam,
+observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of _drowning_,
+"What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being
+_introduced_ to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on,
+leaving the poor fellow to his fate.
+
+
+        CCCXLVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On interminable harangues.)
+
+    YE fates that hold the vital shears,
+    If ye be troubled with remorse,
+    And will not cut ----'s _thread of life_,
+    Cut then the _thread of his discourse_.
+
+
+        CCCXLIX.--HALF-WAY.
+
+A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding.
+"Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the _bottom_, I'll
+warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths.
+"You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"--"Ay,"
+replied the other, "but you are not _half-way_ to the bottom yet."
+
+
+        CCCL.--SELF-KNOWLEDGE.
+
+"----," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will
+cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he _knows nothing_.
+
+
+        CCCLI.--TWO OF A TRADE.
+
+WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared
+at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this
+season, but he will be _robbing_ Harris (the manager) the next."
+
+
+        CCCLII.--A STRAY SHOT.
+
+AN officer, in battle, happening to _bow_, a cannon-ball passed over his
+head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see,"
+said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."
+
+
+        CCCLIII.--MILESIAN ADVICE.
+
+"NEVER be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer,
+remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a
+true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty
+woman, is _to shut his eyes_."
+
+
+        CCCLIV.--MR. ABERNETHY.
+
+A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her
+complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she
+said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."--"Why then,
+ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for _doing so_."
+
+
+        CCCLV.--THE DEBT PAID.
+
+    To John I owed great obligation,
+      But John, unhappily, thought fit
+    To publish it to all the nation;
+      Sure John and I are more than quit.
+
+
+        CCCLVI.--EXTREMES MEET.
+
+A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told
+him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."--"Extremes meet sometimes,"
+said Jerrold.
+
+
+        CCCLVII.--A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.
+
+A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his
+court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor
+bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the
+impertinent _ha, ha, ha!_ becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the
+doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that _you_
+can comprehend."
+
+
+        CCCLVIII.--TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.
+
+GARRICK was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of
+players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to
+Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you
+to write an address to the Birmingham audience."--"Suppose, then," said
+Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:--
+
+    Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel,
+    Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel--"
+
+"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players
+off the stage and pull the house down."--"My lord," said Garrick, "what
+is the use of an address if it does not come home to the _business_ and
+_bosoms_ of the audience?"
+
+
+        CCCLIX.--A GOOD REASON.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the
+rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to
+consider that they have _nothing_ else to do."
+
+
+        CCCLX.--FOLLOWING A LEADER.
+
+FRANKLIN, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary
+society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed,
+determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express
+satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the
+French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest
+when they were _praising you_!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained
+the matter.
+
+
+        CCCLXI.--IDOLATRY.
+
+THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.
+
+
+        CCCLXII.--TWICE RUINED.
+
+"I NEVER was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I _lost_ a
+lawsuit, and once when I _gained_ one."
+
+
+        CCCLXIII.--Q.E.D.
+
+A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name
+and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of
+this parish."--"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that
+be?"--"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the
+children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the
+fathers, and consequently _I am master_ of the whole parish."
+
+
+        CCCLXIV.--SHORT STORIES.
+
+SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for
+him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the
+laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's
+Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your
+book?"--"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird;
+"but they're unco' _short_."
+
+
+        CCCLXV.--ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.
+
+    IF ancient poets Argus prize,
+    Who boasted of a hundred eyes,
+    Sure greater praise to her is due,
+    Who looks a hundred ways with two.
+
+
+        CCCLXVI.--AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.
+
+FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket
+Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a
+_black lady of great accomplishments_.
+
+
+        CCCLXVII.--DEMOCRATIC VISION.
+
+HORNE TOOKE, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards,
+replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a _king_ from a _knave_."
+
+
+        CCCLXVIII.--FISHY, RATHER.
+
+LORD ELLENBOROUGH, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his
+carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the
+best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."
+
+
+        CCCLXIX.--LIGHT BREAD.
+
+A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a
+_pound_ of it weighs only _twelve_ ounces.
+
+
+        CCCLXX.--SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.
+
+THE late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who
+stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his
+lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as _you_
+my lord,--t-t-t-take me to be."
+
+
+        CCCLXXI.--ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.
+
+    AS Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace,
+      On velvet rests, 'tis said;
+    Ah! did he seek a softer place,
+      He'd rest upon his head.
+
+
+        CCCLXXII.--POLITICAL CORRUPTION.
+
+CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a
+chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then
+called aloud to his neighbors to witness his _dirty_ elevation.
+
+
+        CCCLXXIII.--A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.
+
+A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly,
+"Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to _take
+off_ his hat!"
+
+
+        CCCLXXIV.--A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.
+
+IN a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man
+in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us
+a _new hat_, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!
+
+
+        CCCLXXV.--EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.
+
+    FOOTE, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled,
+    Death _took him off, who took off all_ the world.
+
+
+        CCCLXXVI.--THE ANGRY OCEAN.
+
+"MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what
+makes the ocean get angry?"--"Because it has been _crossed_ so often, my
+son."
+
+
+        CCCLXXVII.--BREVITY.
+
+DR. ABERNETHY, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than
+by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing
+Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his
+house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."--"A poultice," quietly
+answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said,
+"Better."--"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made
+her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,--your
+fee?"--"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I
+ever saw."
+
+
+        CCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense,
+      He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;
+    For from the fact we draw the inference,
+      He's that which never has been made _a peer_.
+
+
+        CCCLXXIX.--A BROAD-BRIM HINT.
+
+A QUAKER said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be
+thy design _to hit_ the little man in the blue jacket, point thine
+engine three inches lower."
+
+
+        CCCLXXX.--AN ORDER FOR TWO.
+
+AT the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the
+author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr.
+Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether
+his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he
+wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"--"admit _two pounds
+two_."
+
+
+        CCCLXXXI.--EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.
+
+    HIS hair so black,--his beard so gray,
+      'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?
+    'Tis that his labors always lay,
+      Less on his brain than on his _jaws_.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXII.--MARRIAGE.
+
+A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying
+some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his
+present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my
+dear, nobody regrets _her loss_ more than I do."
+
+
+        CCCLXXXIII.--FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.
+
+A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a
+word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did
+not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait
+the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the
+_length_ of my sermon to-day?"--"No, sir, not at all; nor by the _depth_
+either!" The young man was silent.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXIV.--VISIBLE PROOF.
+
+AN Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his
+marriage, exhibited a _huge scar_ on his head, which looked as though it
+might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXV.--SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.
+
+THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once
+kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by _fixing_ the
+weathercock in that direction.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.
+
+    WE every-day bards may "Anonymous" sign:
+    That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:
+    Thy writings, where satire and moral unite,
+    Must bring forth the name of their author to light.
+    Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth,
+    The bad own their _Edge_ and the good own their _worth_.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXVII.--KEEN REPLY.
+
+A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was
+asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the
+nightingale, which does not sing after it has _made its nest_."
+
+
+        CCCLXXXVIII.--A GOOD EXAMPLE.
+
+IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the
+Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his
+tongue. There are other _speakers_ in the House (not official) who would
+show their sagacity by following the example of their President.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXIX.--A CERTAINTY.
+
+A PHYSICIAN passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning,
+Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In
+the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument
+next?"--"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and
+_you_ are doctoring him; then I _keep right on_."
+
+
+        CCCXC.--NOMINAL RHYMES.
+
+THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.
+
+    IS that dace or perch?
+      Said Alderman Birch;
+    I take it for herring,
+      Said Alderman Perring.
+    This jack's very good,
+      Said Alderman Wood;
+    But its bones might a man slay,
+      Said Alderman Ansley.
+    I'll butter what I get,
+      Said Alderman Heygate.
+    Give me some stewed carp,
+      Said Alderman Thorp;
+    The roe's dry as pith,
+      Said Alder_men_ Smith.
+    Don't cut so far down,
+      Said Alderman Brown;
+    But nearer the fin,
+      Said Alderman Glyn.
+    I've finished, i'faith, man,
+      Said Alderman Waithman:
+    And I too, i'fatkins,
+      Said Alderman Atkins.
+    They've crimped this cod drolly,
+      Said Alderman Scholey;
+    'T is bruised at the ridges,
+      Said Alderman Brydges.
+    Was it caught in a drag? Nay,
+      Said Alderman Magnay.
+    'T was brought by two men,
+      Said Alderman Ven-
+    ables: Yes, in a box,
+      Said Alderman Cox.
+    They care not how _fur 'tis_,
+      Said Alderman Curtis;
+    From air kept, and from sun,
+      Said Alderman Thompson;
+    Packed neatly in straw,
+      Said Alderman Shaw:
+    In ice got from Gunter,
+      Said Alderman Hunter.
+    This ketchup is sour,
+      Said Alderman Flower;
+    Then steep it in claret,
+      Said Alderman Garret.
+
+
+        CCCXCI.--A BROAD HINT.
+
+CHARLES II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the
+king said, "That's a good stroke for a _dean_."--"I'll give it the
+stroke of a _bishop_ if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive
+rejoinder.
+
+
+        CCCXCII.--VAILS TO SERVANTS.
+
+TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or
+visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon
+the subject eight letters to the Duke of N----, supposed to be the Duke
+of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the
+house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other
+servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who
+returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take _silver_."--"Don't you,
+indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then _I do_."
+
+
+        CCCXCIII.--QUITE TRUE.
+
+AVARICE is criminal poverty.
+
+
+        CCCXCIV.--CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.
+
+    "I'm very glad," to E--b--h said
+    His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,
+    "That 'tis the outer product of your head,
+    And not the _inner_, you _commit to paper_!"
+
+
+        CCCXCV.--THE POLITE SCHOLAR.
+
+A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the
+wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every _coxcomb_ the
+wall." The scholar answered, "But _I do, sir_;" and so passed by him.
+
+
+        CCCXCVI.--A COOL HAND.
+
+AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in
+sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from
+certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie
+Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals
+of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave
+some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear,"
+replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with
+serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave
+_me_ for _you_."
+
+
+        CCCXCVII.--QUID PRO QUO.
+
+A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred
+of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly
+unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what
+you lawyers mean by docking an entail."--"That is very likely," answered
+the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors
+never consent to,--_suffering a recovery_."
+
+
+        CCCXCVIII.--RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.
+
+A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--"Come,
+my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"--"Voight for my King,"
+answered Hodge, "why, has he _fawn out_ wi' ony body?"
+
+
+        CCCXCIX.--AN ANECDOTE.
+
+    E--D--N was asked by one of note,
+    Why merit he did not promote;
+    "For this good reason," answered he,
+    "'Cause _merit ne'er promoted me_."
+
+
+        CD.--DIDO.
+
+OF this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register
+Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious
+particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It
+happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly
+celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the
+conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's
+opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the
+man an injury, yet _he would read his tragedy to me_."
+
+
+        CDI.--EXTREME SIMPLICITY.
+
+A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who
+was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common
+property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with
+the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine,
+indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was _ice_
+in it."
+
+
+        CDII.--NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.
+
+DURING a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan
+theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by
+the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out,
+"Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made
+_wretched_ in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll _summons_ you,
+sir!"
+
+
+        CDIII.--AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when
+abroad, "because _nobody_ knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed
+when at home, "because _everybody_ knew him."
+
+
+        CDIV.--AN UPRIGHT MAN.
+
+ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned
+by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine,
+in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties
+with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So
+far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of
+_Bolt upright_."
+
+
+        CDV.--THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.
+
+ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who
+asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by
+the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so
+painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold
+enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no
+service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you
+what, I _won't say_ a word about it."
+
+
+        CDVI.--TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.
+
+IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would
+be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.
+
+
+        CDVII.--ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+(To those in want of employment.)
+
+    Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply,
+    Is always sure to find a _vacancy_.
+
+
+        CDVIII.--A "DOUBLE TIMES."
+
+A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the _Times_ newspaper was put into the
+hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a
+bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal.
+"Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well
+for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living
+in the country,--it is equal to a _day's fishing_."
+
+
+        CDIX.--PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.
+
+DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not
+even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged
+with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady
+how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well,
+madam, considering that I have _three_ adversaries."
+
+
+        CDX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.)
+
+    YES, in debate we must admit,
+      His argument is quite profound;
+    His reasoning's _deep_, for _deuce a bit_
+      Can anybody _see the ground_.
+
+
+        CDXI.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.
+
+THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in
+rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of
+Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:--
+
+    Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,
+    I advise you to give him whatever he axes;
+    I advise you to give it without any flummery,
+    For though his name's _Winter_, his actions are _summary_.
+
+
+        CDXII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.)
+
+    THY speeches are immortal, O my friend,
+    For he that hears them--hears them to _no end_.
+
+
+        CDXIII.--A CONSIDERATE SON.
+
+A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired
+him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you
+wrong, for the _drier_ you are, the better you will burn."
+
+
+        CDXIV.--DANGEROUSLY WELL.
+
+LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady ----
+has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is
+_dangerously well_ again."
+
+
+        CDXV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)
+
+    LET none because of its abundant _locks_,
+    Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,
+    That dandy E--nb----h's "knowledge-box"
+    Has anything worth larceny within it.
+
+
+        CDXVI.--A NEW SCHOLAR.
+
+A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to
+procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a
+letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your
+selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise,
+by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr.
+Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more,
+be sure and send me their new works_."
+
+
+        CDXVII.--PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.
+
+JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named _Pilgrim_, who
+was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes,
+exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do;
+you have put a stop to _Pilgrim's Progress_!"
+
+
+        CDXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+      LIFE is a lottery where we find
+    That fortune plays full many a prank;
+      And when poor ---- got his mind,
+    'Twas fortune made him _draw a blank_.
+
+
+        CDXIX.--A SUDDEN CHANGE.
+
+ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was
+very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by
+the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had
+hopped a little farther, it would have _hopped into the water_."
+
+
+        CDXX.--VALUABLE DISCOVERY.
+
+A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned!
+"How--how--how?" we hear everybody asking. He _never_ run in debt.
+
+
+        CDXXI.--A USEFUL ALLY.
+
+"_Cracked_ China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for
+you, or else the deuce is in it!
+
+
+        CDXXII.--TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.
+
+CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he
+didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the
+better for what I am saying to you!"--"No, ma'am," he answered, "but
+this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at _one
+ear_ and went out at _the other_!"
+
+
+        CDXXIII.--WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.
+
+ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David
+Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir
+David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant
+human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of
+puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes,
+as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with
+serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He _sees_!"
+
+
+        CDXXIV.--RINGING THE CHANGES.
+
+        AT a tavern one night,
+        Messrs. _More_, _Strange_, and _Wright_
+    Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:
+        Says More, "Of us three,
+        The whole town will agree,
+    There is only one knave, and that's _Strange_."
+        "Yes," says Strange (rather sore),
+        "I'm sure there's one _More_,
+    A most terrible knave and a bite,
+        Who cheated his mother,
+        His sister and brother."--
+    "O yes," replied More, "that is _Wright_."
+
+
+        CDXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.
+
+A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver
+ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner
+for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't
+exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an _attorney_, he would have
+_stolen the bowl_ as well as the ladle."
+
+
+        CDXXVI.--A SMALL GLASS.
+
+THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing
+_Macbeth_, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the
+performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass,
+saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke;
+take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you,
+sir!"--"_Not if it was vitriol_!" was the rejoinder.
+
+
+        CDXXVII.--DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
+
+THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of
+meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven
+dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a _young_
+lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day.
+To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she
+had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:--
+
+                                            £  s. d.
+  At top, fish, two herrings                0  0  1
+  Middle, one ounce and a half of butter,
+  melted                                    0  0  0-3/4
+  Bottom, a mutton chop, divided            0  0  2
+  On one side, one pound of small potatoes  0  0  0-1/2
+  On the other side, pickled cabbage        0  0  0-1/2
+  First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs 0  0  1-1/2
+  Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a
+  pudding                                   0  0  0-1/2
+  Parsley for garnish                       0  0  0-1/4
+                                            ----------
+                                           £0  0  7
+
+--Seven dishes for sevenpence!
+
+
+        CDXXVIII.--AN EMPTY HEAD.
+
+OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he
+said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."
+
+
+        CDXXIX.--A BAD LABEL.
+
+TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote
+his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied
+it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly
+remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"--"Why?"
+said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the _eight_ of clubs
+and take it!"
+
+
+        CDXXX.--"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."
+
+A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was
+short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the
+player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his
+handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah!
+sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for _my own_."
+
+
+        CDXXXI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.
+
+ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if
+classed by moral distinctions.
+
+
+        CDXXXII.--A SILK GOWN.
+
+GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on
+getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk
+to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had
+been enveloped _in silk_, no spark of _patriotism_ had reached his
+heart.
+
+
+        CDXXXIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.
+
+EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it
+is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to
+be _plucked_ at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T.
+Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--
+
+    "I have heard they _plucked_ geese upon _Shelford_ Fen,
+    But never till now knew that _Shelford_ plucked men."
+
+
+        CDXXXIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.
+
+ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a
+glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a
+certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.
+
+"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass,
+"that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so
+good in it."
+
+
+        CDXXXV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.
+
+FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord
+Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote
+observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his
+lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much
+more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit,
+"why you should have given him a _dinner_ like this, and _poisoned
+him_."
+
+
+        CDXXXVI.--UNREASONABLE.
+
+"TOM," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a
+soldier as you get drunk so often?"--"Colonel," replied he, "how can you
+expect all the _virtues_ that adorn the human character for _sixpence_
+a-day?"
+
+
+        CDXXXVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.
+
+A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain
+concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I
+have bought your horse, what are his faults?"--"I know of no faults that
+he has, except two," replied the man; "and _one_ is, that he is hard to
+catch."--"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to
+catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"--"Ah, sir!
+that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when
+you _have_ caught him."
+
+
+        CDXXXVIII.--THE REASON WHY.
+
+A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late
+storm was, because there was a _heavy mortgage_ on it.
+
+
+        CDXXXIX.--BLOTTING IT OUT.
+
+MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his
+medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On
+discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I
+have given you ink."--"Never--never mind, my boy--never mind," said
+Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit--of _blotting-paper_."
+
+
+        CDXL.--CLERICAL WIT.
+
+AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel
+of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The _font_ is at the other
+end of the church."--"What do I want with the font?" said the old
+gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought
+you had brought _this child to be christened_."
+
+
+        CDXLI.--A NICE DISTINCTION.
+
+NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings
+with holes to having them darned:--"A hole," said he, "may be the
+_accident_ of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but _a darn_
+is premeditated poverty."
+
+
+        CDXLII.--WIT AND QUACKERY.
+
+A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in
+order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came
+there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry
+Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here _for want_?"--"No faith,
+sir," replied Andrew, "we have _enough_ of that at home."
+
+
+        CDXLIII.--WIT DEFINED.
+
+DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--
+
+    "A thousand different shapes wit wears,
+    Comely in thousand shapes appears;
+    'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,
+    Admired with laughter at a feast;
+    Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,--
+    The proofs of wit for ever must remain."
+
+
+        CDXLIV.--A VAIN SEARCH.
+
+SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he
+burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days;
+the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him,
+with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week,
+sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect
+his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with
+some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have
+known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find
+anything in it."
+
+
+        CDXLV.--A BAD CUSTOMER.
+
+"WE don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give
+you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for
+three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass
+swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I
+think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of
+'em _five or six_ for a penny anywhere else."
+
+
+        CDXLVI.--A REFLECTION.
+
+AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him
+he could plainly see a _rogue_ in his face. "I never knew till now,"
+said the witness, "that my _face_ was a _looking-glass_."
+
+
+        CDXLVII.--FOOTE.
+
+AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a
+foolish scrape about _the antiquity of family_ with another artist, who
+gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable
+time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of
+the argument; your family is not only _several thousand years old_, but
+at the same time _the most numerous_ of any on the face of the globe, on
+the authority of Shakespeare:--
+
+    "All the souls that are, were _Forfeit_ once."
+
+
+        CDXLVIII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
+    Verdict,--had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.[A]
+
+[A] Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.
+
+
+        CDXLIX.--A BASE ONE.
+
+A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a
+person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady
+to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a _base
+'un_," said Jerrold.
+
+
+        CDL.--PROFITABLE JUGGLING.
+
+A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which
+was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives"
+with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a
+little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily
+exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my
+bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler.
+"Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an
+ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it
+into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll _no turn't_ into a bawbee
+again."
+
+
+        CDLI.--PICKPOCKETING.
+
+THE Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the
+very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring
+whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor
+of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow,
+"your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings
+in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a _flat_."
+
+
+        CDLII.--DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.
+
+WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to
+finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the
+inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning
+privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a
+waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place,
+said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his
+usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman
+_like the knave of clubs_, tell him he is particularly wanted." The
+waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.
+
+
+        CDLIII.--AFFECTATION.
+
+    DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
+    Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.
+
+
+        CDLIV.--WARM FRIENDSHIPS.
+
+SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated
+for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.
+
+"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner
+takes them up than he puts them down again."
+
+
+        CDLV.--THEATRICAL MISTAKES.
+
+A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in
+the season of 1823, in the part of _Miss Stirling_, in "The Clandestine
+Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of _Betty_, who had locked the
+door of _Miss Fanny's_ room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said,
+"_She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket_."
+Mrs. Davenport, as _Mrs. Heidelberg_, had previously excited a hearty
+laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "_I protest there's a
+candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand_;" but the
+mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated,
+that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke
+with three rounds of applause.
+
+
+        CDLVI.--A BROKEN HEAD.
+
+"I AM the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a
+broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in
+Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a
+scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head
+was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders
+like a pair of epaulettes. _That_ was a broken head, if you please,
+sir."
+
+
+        CDLVII.--CALEDONIAN COMFORT.
+
+TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their
+quarters for the night at a _Highland hotel_ in Breadalbane: one of them
+next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent
+bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea
+vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the _bugs_, for
+de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"
+
+
+        CDLVIII.--AN ODD FAMILY.
+
+BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each
+other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be
+_hereditary_ in their family to have no children."
+
+
+        CDLIX.--A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.
+
+COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in
+company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of
+conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically
+observed, "If any man were to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and
+threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in
+defending my _coat_ I should too late find that I was deprived of my
+_waistcoat_ also."
+
+
+        CDLX.--BEN JONSON.
+
+WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of
+fish, but without drink, said:--
+
+    "In a dish came fish
+    From the arch-bis-
+    Hop was not there,
+    Because there was no _beer_."
+
+
+        CDLXI.--UNREMITTING KINDNESS.
+
+"CALL that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent
+acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a
+farthing! Call that kindness?"
+
+"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.
+
+
+        CDLXII.--KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.
+
+AT Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last
+scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is
+made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added,
+"and the Birmingham _audience_ into the bargain."
+
+
+        CDLXIII.--A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.
+
+A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public
+benefit, inasmuch as it _kills off_ all the foolish girls, and leaves
+the wise only to grow into women.
+
+
+        CDLXIV.--A MARK OF RESPECT.
+
+CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive
+disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter
+said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my
+head."--"I accept it," said Congreve; "for _trifles_ show respect."
+
+
+        CDLXV.--A GRETNA CUSTOMER.
+
+A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five
+guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the
+gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a
+guinea."--"True," said the smith, "but _he_ was an Irishman. I have
+married him six times. _He is a good customer_, and _you_ I may never
+see again."
+
+
+        CDLXVI.--LEAVING HIS VERDICT.
+
+"I REMEMBER," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York,
+and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are
+only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'--'Please you, my
+lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other
+business--but _he has left his verdict with me_!'"
+
+
+        CDLXVII.--OVER-WISE.
+
+IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one
+morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following
+passage:--
+
+    [Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.]
+
+To which he gave the proper sense,--
+
+    "I am not _over-wise_;"
+
+but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,--"_You_ are quite right,
+sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."
+
+
+        CDLXVIII.--IMPROMPTU.
+
+    'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true,
+    St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.
+
+
+        CDLXIX.--INDEPENDENCE.
+
+JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without
+shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very
+indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him,
+if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse
+me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand
+in _your shoes_ for all the world!"
+
+
+        CDLXX.--ON PRIDE.
+
+    FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
+      To steal a share of notoriety,
+    Will tell you in important words,
+      He _mixes_ in the best society.
+
+
+        CDLXXI.--BLACK LETTER.
+
+AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a
+black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the
+precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old
+books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very _indifferent
+spelling_."
+
+
+        CDLXXII.--A HIATUS.
+
+"DID you not on going down find a _party_ in your kitchen?" asked an
+underbred barrister of a witness. "A _tea-party_, Mr. ----?" mildly
+interposed Judge Maule.
+
+
+        CDLXXIII.--A REASONABLE REQUEST.
+
+AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only
+cost a few men."--"Will _you_ make one of the few?" remarked the
+general.
+
+
+        CDLXXIV.--A STRIKING POINT.
+
+WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract,
+Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the
+House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the _noes_
+(_nose_) will have it."
+
+
+        CDLXXV.--VERY PRETTY.
+
+ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress
+knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her
+beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful
+woman he had ever seen. "I thought so _yesterday_," he replied.
+
+
+        CDLXXVI.--AN ODD BIRD.
+
+A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several.
+He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The
+duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his
+surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord
+Thurlow's _laid an egg_."
+
+
+        CDLXXVII.--INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder;
+    Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
+    Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;
+    Verdict--Ennui--so little work to do.
+
+
+        CDLXXVIII.--"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."
+
+A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a
+"fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a
+steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to
+drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a
+tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute
+darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my
+fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second
+clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized
+him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler
+with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down
+through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by
+the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up
+to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax'
+demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too
+high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty
+dollars in my life, _and I've done the same thing often_.'"
+
+
+        CDLXXIX.--CONFIDENCE.
+
+"WHY," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always
+sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention
+to every stranger I invite?"--"Because, sir," was the reply, "when _you_
+preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust _a stranger_ without
+keeping a good look-out."
+
+
+        CDLXXX.--THE CUT INFERNAL.
+
+    SAID Wetherall the other night
+      Of ----: "He's the silliest elf
+    I ever _knew_." Sir Charles was right,
+      For no one ever _knows himself_.
+
+
+        CDLXXXI.--FEELING HIS WAY.
+
+"UNCLE," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him
+rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head _still_ on
+the sovereign?"--"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask
+that?"--"Because it is now such a length of time since _I saw one_."
+
+
+        CDLXXXII.--THE WILL.
+
+    JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
+    Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
+    "What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave
+    Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"
+    "That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,
+    Since he married, poor man, he'd _no will of his own_."
+
+
+        CDLXXXIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.
+
+TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their
+general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him
+was true. "General," said one of them, "_it is_; and we should have said
+much more if our _wine_ had not failed."
+
+
+        CDLXXXIV.--A NEW SPORT.
+
+QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why,
+gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with
+venison, and go a-_Quinning_, I should certainly bite; and what a sight
+should I be dangling in the air!"
+
+
+        CDLXXXV.--SYDNEY SMITH.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had
+been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations,
+and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this,"
+said Mr. Smith. "_Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente_," was the reply.
+"Pray, sir, do you _believe_ in a _cook_?" inquired Mr. Smith.
+
+
+        CDLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.
+
+    THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind,
+      Is surely nothing strange;
+    For no one yet could ever find
+      He'd any mind to change.
+
+
+        CDLXXXVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.
+
+"WHY don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F---- to a boy struggling
+with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will
+_hold_ my calf, I'll pull off my hat."
+
+
+        CDLXXXVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.
+
+JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant
+who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants,
+Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of _what_ religion does
+not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of
+Christianity." Severe.
+
+
+        CDLXXXIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.
+
+A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner
+tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating
+that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when
+the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco
+kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak'
+it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the
+ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting
+it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I
+think, mistress, _a cheese_ in the ither en' wad mak' _a gran'
+balance_." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John
+Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."
+
+
+        CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.
+
+A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of
+which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and,
+addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health,
+gentlemen all, of the _waiter_ that called my Lord ---- out of the
+room."
+
+
+        CDXCI.--CALCULATION.
+
+    SAYS Giles, "My wife and I are _two_,
+      Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
+    Quoth Jack, "You're _ten_, if I speak true;
+      She 's _one_ and you're a _cipher_."
+
+
+        CDXCII.--GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.
+
+WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards
+filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom
+to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being
+present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to
+the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of
+dese, give me the man wid de _dying speech_," meaning Mr. Adams, who was
+then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the
+report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.
+
+
+        CDXCIII.--SLEEPING ROUND.
+
+THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it,
+John?"--"Very wet, sir."--"Any mullet in the market?"--"No,
+sir."--"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he
+composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the _ennui_ of a dull day.
+
+
+        CDXCIV.--AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.
+
+"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that
+you think me a _humbug_?"--"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that
+you can _discover_ a man's thoughts by your touch."
+
+
+        CDXCV.--NOT SO EASY.
+
+A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was
+advised by the Court not to _show temper_, but to _show cause_.
+
+
+        CDXCVI.--A POINT.
+
+POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of
+literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found
+a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard
+their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the
+passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the
+young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the
+manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note
+of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the
+case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a _note of
+interrogation_?"--"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow,
+with a look of great contempt, "is a little _crooked thing_ that asks
+questions."
+
+
+        CDXCVII.--THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.
+
+ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth,"
+quoth the other, "because scholars are _so poor_ that they have _not a
+sovereign_ amongst them."
+
+
+        CDXCVIII.--CHALLENGING A JURY.
+
+AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant,
+was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom
+he objected, he might legally _challenge_ them. "Faith, and so I will,"
+replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will _challenge_ every man of
+them."
+
+
+        CDXCIX.--WALPOLIANA.
+
+WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father,
+they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"--"Well," replied the
+Bishop, "and what is that to you?"--"Nay, nothing; only if you had told
+me, I would have _powdered_ my hair."
+
+A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a
+little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his
+mouth was _very sore_.
+
+After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd,
+whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and
+was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the _cambric bill_;"
+which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not _ruffled_."
+
+
+        D.--MINDING HIS BUSINESS.
+
+MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning:
+"Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to
+attind to what I'm about; so whenever I _sleeps_, I pays _attintion_ to
+it."
+
+
+        DI.--PENCE TABLE.
+
+A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called
+after him, "Where are you going, sir?"--"I am going to buy a ha'porth of
+nails."--"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"--"For a
+_halfpenny_," replied the urchin.
+
+
+        DII.--SATISFACTION.
+
+LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The
+Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord
+William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a
+denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is
+to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"--"Oh! my Lord," said the
+person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me _you did
+not_ write the book."
+
+
+        DIII.--A SAFE APPEAL.
+
+A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any
+person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or
+neglect."--"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know,
+doctor, _dead_ men tell no tales."
+
+
+        DIV.--A CAUTIOUS LOVER.
+
+"WHEN I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and
+signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'"--D.J.
+
+
+        DV.--THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.
+
+A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him
+what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a
+bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it,
+saying, "There, I give you the _scabbard_ back again."
+
+
+        DVI.--TOUCHING.
+
+WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me
+his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like _a
+father_."--"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you
+like _a child_."
+
+
+        DVII.--THE COLLEGE BELL!
+
+AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each
+gentleman should toast his favorite _Belle_. When it came to the turn of
+Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the _quorum_) to be called on for
+the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave,
+"The College Bell!" _Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri_!
+
+
+        DVIII.--FRENCH LANGUAGE.
+
+WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to
+Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of
+a language which has but one word for _liking_ and _loving_, and puts a
+fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:--_J'aime Julie; J'aime un
+gigot_!"
+
+
+        DIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)
+
+    HE says he don't think of himself,
+      And I'm to believe him inclined;
+    For by the confession, the elf
+      Admits that he's _out_ of his _mind_.
+
+
+        DX.--CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.
+
+A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
+and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys
+were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard
+the bell, boys; why did you not come?"--"Please, sir," said the
+favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the
+school-bell was the steamboat-bell."--"Very well," said the master, glad
+of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the
+other, "what have you to say?"--"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy,
+"_I--I--was waiting to see Tom off_!"
+
+
+        DXI.--ANTICIPATION.
+
+LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to
+anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through
+the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a
+calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ----" "O, my
+goodness!--he killed _the child_!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord,
+_the calf_; but you will always anticipate."
+
+
+        DXII.--THE BEST JUDGE.
+
+A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--
+
+"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."--"No, I think not,"
+replied the husband.
+
+"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them
+ought to know."
+
+
+        DXIII.--THE RIVALS.
+
+A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs.
+The _dramatis personæ_ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian,
+and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals
+in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of
+her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him,
+"_Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la
+guérirai_." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle,
+I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and
+looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "_Quand milady Elizabeth
+Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai_." [When my
+Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]
+
+
+        DXIV.--DEAD LANGUAGE.
+
+AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who
+had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a
+hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, _feu Lord
+Maire de Londres_," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having
+translated the word "late" into "_feu_," which we need hardly state
+means "dead."
+
+
+        DXV.--WALPOLIANA.
+
+SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy
+to Sir Matthew Decker, as the _author_ of St. Matthew's Gospel.
+
+Churchill (General C----, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked
+Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me,
+too?"--"No, Charles," replied he, "_you break_ fast enough of yourself!"
+Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?
+
+Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity,
+Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything
+in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his
+collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his
+company; that he never heard so much _heathenish talk_ in his days.
+Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said
+before him, _that the soul was only a little glue_.
+
+
+        DXVI.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.
+
+A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be
+let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next
+Sunday."--"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the
+archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ----, what became of you? we expected
+you to preach to-day."--"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my
+preaching to-day."--"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you
+_from_ preaching."
+
+
+        DXVII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)
+
+    THEY say his _wit's refined_! Thus is explained
+    The seeming mystery--_his wit is strained_.
+
+
+        DXVIII.--A NICE DISTINCTION.
+
+"WHAT is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman
+he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems
+nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers
+were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a _form_,
+but you stand upon _ceremony_."
+
+
+        DXIX.--LATE DINNER.
+
+SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and
+later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till
+_to-morrow_."
+
+
+        DXX.--AN OLD JOKE.
+
+    AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
+    Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
+    Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver--
+    "You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."
+    "Alas!" cried the Fair on his left--"to what use?
+    For you never saw _either served up_ with a goose!"
+
+
+        DXXI.--TIME WORKS WONDERS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far
+between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long
+time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman,
+"Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"--"Yes,
+sir."--"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how _you have grown_!"
+
+
+        DXXII.--A NOVEL IDEA.
+
+"MORROW'S Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a
+popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the
+piety of certain ladies here. They go to _Day_ for a sermon and to
+_Morrow_ for a novel!"
+
+
+        DXXIII.--THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.
+
+A MAN was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the pleader referred
+in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said
+that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said
+that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well
+as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for
+the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a
+name by describing it as "an initial."--"Yes," retorted the judge, "but
+it does not aver that it is not a _final_ as well as an _initial_
+letter."
+
+
+        DXXIV.--LOSING AN I.
+
+A MAN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much
+impropriety; and at last saying the word _curosity_, a counsellor
+exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"--"Nay,"
+returned another, "he has only knocked an _I_ out."
+
+
+        DXXV.--DRIVING IT HOME.
+
+THE late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable
+man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still
+repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in
+truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a
+habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his
+clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case
+to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed,
+and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't
+_into_ me, and ye're just duntin't _out o' me_."
+
+
+        DXXVI.--THE EMPTY GUN.
+
+    AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
+    And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
+    "Don't _cock_ your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.
+    "Fear not--his head's not _charged_," a friend replies.
+
+
+        DXXVII.--A PIECE OF PLATE.
+
+A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening
+called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect:
+"Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased
+me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your
+acceptance of a small _piece of plate_." It was, beyond all question, a
+_very_ small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!
+
+
+        DXXVIII.--EPISCOPAL SAUCE.
+
+AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host,
+"Mr. ----!" There was silence. "Mr. ----, what is the proper female
+companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an
+answer came, "_Anne Chovy_."
+
+
+        DXXIX.--A GOOD CRITIC.
+
+A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so
+much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have
+a master very difficult to please?"--"Who?"--"_Myself_."
+
+
+        DXXX.--WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.
+
+WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked
+him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn
+was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied,
+with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of
+mine; the fellow was a _Wilkite_, which your Majesty knows _I never
+was_."
+
+
+        DXXXI.--A SLIGHT ERUPTION.
+
+A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My
+lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"--"What has happened,
+man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken
+out."--"Where? where?"--"In the _Isle of Man_."--"In the Isle of Man,"
+repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"
+
+
+        DXXXII.--SMOKING AN M.P.
+
+AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on _tobacco_, somewhat
+ludicrously called for certain _returns_.
+
+
+        DXXXIII.--A TIMELY REPROOF.
+
+A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord
+Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of
+to-day I never heard before."--"O, my lord!" said the flattered
+chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said
+anything new on the subject."--"I heard the clock _strike twice_," said
+Lord Mulgrave.
+
+
+        DXXXIV.--REPROOF.
+
+"I CAN'T find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor
+I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to _work_ for it."
+
+
+        DXXXV.--A SATISFACTORY REASON.
+
+MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of
+Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards
+Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony.
+"You are a builder, I believe?"--"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an
+architect!"--"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they
+are much the same, I suppose?"--"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit
+that: I consider them to be totally different!"--"O, indeed! perhaps you
+will state wherein this great difference consists?"--"An architect, sir,
+prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the
+specifications,--in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the
+bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,--the
+architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it
+going!"--"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your
+very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform
+the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"--"There was
+_no_ architect, sir, and hence _the confusion_!"
+
+
+        DXXXVI.--THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.
+
+    A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage,
+      In a long _tête-à-tête_ with his dame,
+    While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,
+      About giving their villa a name.
+    A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,
+      Stole out, half an hour after dark,
+    Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,
+      And wrote on the palings,--"_Hide_ Park!"
+
+
+        DXXXVII.--AN ABSENT MAN.
+
+A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not
+being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O,
+my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not
+_missed_."
+
+
+        DXXXVIII.--A DOUBLE KNOCK.
+
+ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in
+some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish
+government will not be able to stand many more such _Knocks Down_ as
+this!"
+
+
+        DXXXIX.--A PROPER RETORT.
+
+A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to
+Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool
+as he looks."--"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great
+_difference_ between me and my friend."
+
+
+        DXL.--FORAGING.
+
+DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers
+were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it
+was said to be part of the stage directions,--"_Enter_ the Red Coat:
+_Exeunt_ Hat and Cloak."
+
+
+        DXLI.--ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.
+
+    AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,
+    He happened to tread on a very small pig:
+    "Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,
+    For surely thou art an _abridgment of Bacon_."
+
+
+        DXLII.--UNKIND.
+
+"PRAY, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age
+I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her
+ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question
+again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of _discretion_."
+
+
+        DXLIII.--DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.
+
+THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of
+Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, _Non rapui sed
+recepi_ ["I did not _steal_ it, but I _received_ it"]. This being shown
+to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The _receiver_ is as
+bad as the _thief_."
+
+
+        DXLIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).
+
+    IF really ---- do but loathe
+      Things base or mean, I must confess
+    I'd very freely take my oath,
+      Self-love's a fault he don't possess.
+
+
+        DXLV.--ELOQUENT SILENCE.
+
+"YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ----," said Maule to
+a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ----, I use no _epithet_, it is
+iteration;" his look implying _the anathema_.
+
+
+        DXLVI.--KEEPING A PROMISE.
+
+    THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:
+    "Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;
+    I know thy fortune is but very scant,
+    But never will I see my friend in want."
+    Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;
+    He kept his word,--in want he ne'er would see him!
+
+
+        DXLVII.--NAVAL ORATORY.
+
+WHEN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the
+ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men
+signed _a round robin_, wherein they declared that they would not fire a
+gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this
+declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed
+them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as
+to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside
+the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil
+himself will not be able to _keep you from it_." The men all returned to
+their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten
+times over.
+
+
+        DXLVIII.--VERSE AND WORSE.
+
+AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles,
+it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him
+that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing.
+Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At
+length the _wittiest_ among them thus ended the contest:--
+
+    "Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
+    Excuse me, if I just step home;
+    Two lines already!--be not cru'l,
+    Consider, honeys,--I'm a fool.
+    There's four lines!--now I'll gain the fowls,
+    With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."
+
+
+        DXLIX.--THE IRON DUKE.
+
+IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at
+Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to
+receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a
+_sovereign_, which he probably would have done had he at the time
+refused to take _no change_. The Reform Bill was under consideration.
+
+
+        DL.--CLEAR THE COURT.
+
+AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so
+by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye _blackguards_ that isn't
+_lawyers_, must lave the coort."
+
+
+        DLI--SCOTCH CAUTION.
+
+AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who
+was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I
+hae been a gude wife to you, John."--"O, just middling, just middling,
+Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye
+maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my
+mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke
+o' Glasgow."--"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly,
+"we'll just pit you in the Gorbals _first_, and gin ye dinna lie quiet,
+we'll try you sine in Stra'von."
+
+
+        DLII.--WALPOLIANA.
+
+SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days,
+he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no
+other nation would stand _beating_ for two days together."
+
+Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when
+Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his
+usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost;
+he asked whether the copy had been taken _before_ the original was lost,
+or _after_!
+
+This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves
+so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an
+_oyster_ speak as well twenty times."
+
+
+        DLIII.--NOT POLITE.
+
+MR. P----, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want
+of _head_, by demanding a _poll_.
+
+
+        DLIV.--EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.
+
+A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a
+great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that
+he was _drunk_ when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord
+Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such a thing when he was
+drunk, what might he not have done when he was _sober_?" evidently
+implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful
+one, was a condition of intoxication.
+
+
+        DLV.--ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.
+
+    THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life,
+    The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.
+
+
+        DLVI.--CONFIDENCE.
+
+THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to
+him:--
+
+"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"
+
+_Jerrold._--"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."
+
+
+        DLVII.--LADY ANNE.
+
+AT Portsmouth, during the representation of _Richard the Third_, on
+Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here,"
+Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they
+were _battle-axes_ (basilisks) to strike _thee dead_."
+
+
+        DLVIII.--NICE LANGUAGE.
+
+A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had
+been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the
+witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing
+_bowels_?"--"Yes, sir."--"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"--"Yes,
+sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it _a wren's_
+stomach?"
+
+
+        DLIX.--UNPOETICAL REPLY.
+
+A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our
+coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over
+him. He replied, "_Wet_, ma'am,--_very wet_."
+
+
+        DLX.--IMITATION OF A COW.
+
+MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a
+youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr.
+Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal
+cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was
+complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to
+imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious
+for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would
+confine myself to _the cow_."
+
+
+        DLXI.--TAKING HIS MEASURE.
+
+A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in
+order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his
+southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big
+places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude
+wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"--"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for
+we aye think the _selvidge_ is the wakest bit o' the wab!"
+
+
+        DLXII.--THURLOW AND PITT.
+
+WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly
+terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how
+Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he
+_draws_, but he has not refused _his oats_ yet."
+
+
+        DLXIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to
+excessive gout.)
+
+    IN asserting that Z. is with villany rife,
+      I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;
+    Since _two_ members _attached to his person through life_,
+      Have, on recent occasions, _refused to support him_.
+
+
+        DLXIV.--A HAPPY MAN.
+
+LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once
+made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish
+thing, I always burst out a laughing!"--"I envy you your happiness, my
+lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the
+_merriest_ life of any man in Europe."
+
+
+        DLXV.--VULGAR ARGUMENTS.
+
+AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a
+friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing
+noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the
+Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table,
+and roared at his adversary:--
+
+"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"
+
+The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere
+lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:--
+
+"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"
+
+Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung
+the bell, and shouted:--
+
+"Waiter, _spittoons for two_!"
+
+
+        DLXVI.--A CLEAR CASE.
+
+MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries.
+_Ex. gr._ "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly
+right in his law, there is _some_ evidence upon that point; but he's a
+lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by _some_
+evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of
+exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six
+others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others
+knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the
+other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the
+defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he
+rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be _some_
+evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. ---- means in this case."
+Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?
+
+
+        DLXVII.--THE LATIN FOR COLD.
+
+A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was
+the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment,
+although I have it at my _fingers' ends_."
+
+
+        DLXVIII.--PIECE DE RESISTANCE.
+
+"DO come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have
+only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."--"O my dear
+fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very
+same I should have had at home, _barrin' the beef_."
+
+
+        DLXIX.--LAMB AND ERSKINE.
+
+COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his
+reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his
+pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when
+opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt
+himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."--"No wonder,"
+replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a _lamb_
+grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."
+
+
+        DLXX.--TRUE WIT.
+
+    TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone
+      Dug from Golconda's mine;
+    Which boasts two various powers in one,
+      To cut as well as shine.
+    Genius, like that, if polished right,
+      With the same gifts abounds;
+    Appears at once both keen and bright,
+      And sparkles while it wounds.
+
+
+        DLXXI.--ORDER! ORDER!
+
+A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule
+interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some
+order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any
+order you like--_alphabetical_ order."
+
+
+        DLXXII.--THEATRICAL WIT.
+
+HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and
+particularly in the part of _Jack Junk_, was one night at Gosport,
+performing the character of _Barbarossa_. In the scene where the tyrant
+makes love to _Zapphira_, and reminds her of his services against the
+enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word
+from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and
+regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy
+of tragedy--
+
+                                    "Did not I,
+    By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,
+    And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,
+    Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders
+    From Egypt's shores?"
+
+The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the
+actor with three rounds of applause.
+
+
+        DLXXIII.--THE CUT DIRECT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator
+"how he would have it done?"--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "_in
+silence_."
+
+
+        DLXXIV.--BUSY BODIES.
+
+A MASTER of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will,
+sir."--"What are you doing?"--"Nothing, sir."--"Is Tom there?"--"Yes,"
+said Tom. "What are _you_ doing?"--"Helping Will, sir."
+
+
+        DLXXV.--THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.
+
+WHEN the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith
+took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several
+parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to
+hear the representative of _Young Marlow_ play it as an Irishman. As
+soon as _Marlow_ came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of
+this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir,"
+replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in
+which you instructed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong
+a _brogue_."
+
+
+        DLXXVI.--THE FORCE OF HABIT.
+
+A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W.
+Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How
+will you have it?" replied, "_Cold, without sugar_."
+
+
+        DLXXVII.--NOTICE TO QUIT.
+
+AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed
+time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out
+to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on
+the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"
+
+Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound.
+"Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift _their
+quarters_."
+
+
+        DLXXVIII.--A LITERAL JOKE.
+
+LORD ELDON always pronounced the word _lien_ as though it were _lyon_;
+and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word _lean_. On this Jekyll
+wrote the following epigram:--
+
+    "Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,
+    By saying the Chancellor's _lion_ is _lean_?
+    D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,
+    That nothing within it will ever get fat?"
+
+
+        DLXXIX.--AN ARGUMENT.
+
+    SAYS P--l--s, "Why the Bishops are
+    By nature meant the _soil_ to share,
+      I'll quickly make you understand;
+    For can we not deduct with ease,
+    That nature has designed the _seas_
+      Expressly to _divide the land_?"
+
+
+        DLXXX.--THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.
+
+DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the
+University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some
+difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his
+opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had
+previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend
+into the patient's stomach with a _candle and lantern_, when he ascended
+he would not be able to name the complaint."
+
+
+        DLXXXI.--ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.
+
+KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very
+dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying,
+"Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go
+near to cost him his life."--"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French
+king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen
+Frenchmen now in my power."--"But of all these heads," replied the
+nobleman, "there may not be _one to fit_ my shoulders."
+
+
+        DLXXXII.--KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.
+
+THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to
+articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at
+this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two
+universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which
+was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself,
+saying, "He could not _afford_ to keep a conscience."
+
+
+        DLXXXIII.--DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.
+
+A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last
+desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to
+him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard
+for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall
+never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business,
+and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a
+set of vagabonds, for whom _I have no affection_, and they may waste
+their time as they please."
+
+
+        DLXXXIV.--PORTMANTEAU _v._ TRUNK.
+
+SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an
+eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and
+the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm.
+"Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At
+first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting
+that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it
+_did every bit_ as well."
+
+
+        DLXXXV.--SEEING A CORONATION.
+
+A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated
+Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst
+he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of
+Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly
+pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner,
+indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this
+_tête-à-tête_ the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen
+everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I
+do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so
+greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he
+eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless
+duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till
+the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression
+replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have
+_your wish_." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.
+
+
+        DLXXXVI.--HOOK'S POLITENESS.
+
+HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin
+in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one
+else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow
+to the flowers."
+
+
+        DLXXXVII.--ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR
+ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.
+
+    UPON its lofty column's stand
+      Napoleon takes his place:
+    His back still turned upon that land
+      That never saw his face.
+
+
+        DLXXXVIII.--OLD TIMES.
+
+A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He
+wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile,
+replied, "Look among _the robberies_."
+
+
+        DLXXXIX.--AN ARCADIAN.
+
+A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this
+was called _work_, and well paid!"
+
+
+        DXC.--JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.
+
+IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain
+for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great
+politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank,
+his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see,
+madam, wherever _you_ go there are _no seats_ to be got."
+
+
+        DXCI.--ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.
+
+"WE row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold.
+This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only.
+Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we _do_ row in the same boat,
+but with very different skulls."
+
+
+        DXCII.--A GENUINE IRISH BULL.
+
+SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the
+greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much
+greater."
+
+
+        DXCIII.--THE RULING PASSION.
+
+IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an
+appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called
+in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket,
+doctor?" groaned out poor George.
+
+
+        DXCIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)
+
+    LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day,
+      Which is to me a mystery profound;
+    He leaves the _circuit_! he, of whom they say,
+      That he delights in constant _turning round_.
+
+
+        DXCV.--SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.
+
+DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met
+them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those
+men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's
+comedy, _Measure for Measure_!"
+
+
+        DXCVI.--DEGENERACY.
+
+THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord
+Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up
+stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at
+their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were
+walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants
+were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare
+cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their
+_ain feet_."
+
+
+        DXCVII.--WORTHY OF CREDIT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The
+gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."--"Please your
+honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the _credit_ I give in that way."
+
+
+        DXCVIII.--PAYING IN KIND.
+
+A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the
+prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After
+he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed,
+as I have some like them in my yard."--"That's very likely," said the
+farmer; "these are not the _only ducks_ of the same sort I've had stolen
+lately."
+
+
+        DXCIX.--VERY SERIOUS.
+
+A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at
+being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling,
+neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by
+mistake, taken some of my OWN PILLS."
+
+
+        DC.--THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.
+
+MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of
+money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he
+immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's
+house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters,
+"Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip
+Thicknesse, _father_ of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and
+the board was removed.
+
+
+        DCI.--DELICATE HINT.
+
+QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters,
+says, "_My better half_, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I
+hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."
+
+
+        DCII.--A SCOTCH MEDIUM.
+
+AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister
+sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been
+'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."--"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy,
+with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown
+eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a
+smell o' speerits _amang us_ this mornin'!"
+
+
+        DCIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime;
+    Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
+    The watch kept time; and if time will away,
+    I see no reason why the watch should stay.
+    You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;
+    Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.
+    Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
+    Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.
+
+
+        DCIV.--PERFECT DISCONTENT.
+
+AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy
+depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang
+it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she
+wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."
+
+
+        DCV.--A BAD BARGAIN.
+
+A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be
+in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding
+payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I
+should be _in your debt_ for the _remainder_; how can that be if I _pay_
+it?"
+
+
+        DCVI.--A PIOUS MINISTER.
+
+IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example
+to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of one of the
+commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the
+Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do
+_no manner of work_.
+
+
+        DCVII.--STERNE.
+
+SOME person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to
+physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne;
+"but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not
+deal in _scruples_."
+
+
+        DCVIII.--WHO'S THE FOOL?
+
+MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in illustration of a case, told the following
+anecdote:--
+
+Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale
+several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he,
+moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for
+him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make
+out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his
+Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied,
+"Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who
+will never come back."--"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"--"Then
+I shall erase _your_ name and insert _theirs_."
+
+
+        DCIX.--COLD COMFORT.
+
+A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the
+judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O,
+tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go
+before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."
+
+
+        DCX.--A GREAT DIFFERENCE.
+
+"THE friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided
+into two very distinct classes,--the a-bility and the no-bility."
+
+
+        DCXI.--OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.
+
+KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the
+other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called _Ignoramus_, an ingenious
+thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford
+was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made
+his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one _Sleep_ made him
+_wake_, and in Oxford one _Wake_ made him _sleep_.
+
+
+        DCXII.--INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    GREAT Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,
+    And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
+    A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
+    "She died of _milk and water on the brain_."
+
+
+        DCXIII.--STRANGE JETSUM.
+
+A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of
+small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of
+such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he
+supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking
+voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was _wrecked_ hereabout
+somewhere."
+
+
+        DCXIV.--THE TRUTH AT LAST.
+
+A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival
+paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at
+Wit."
+
+
+        DCXV.--A PILL GRATIS.
+
+A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance,
+said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."--"Very likely," remarked
+his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to _employ you_ in that
+capacity?"
+
+
+        DCXVI.--RATHER HARD.
+
+WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large
+mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have
+found it _hard_ to have been assailed with his _own constituents_.
+
+
+        DCXVII.--SCOTCH PENETRATION.
+
+AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great
+Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by
+the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the
+authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my
+_ain_ groats in ither folk's kail?"
+
+
+        DCXVIII.--A QUESTION OF TIME.
+
+WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he
+was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present
+employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will _excuse_ me this
+_fault_, I promise, if I live, to mend it."
+
+
+        DCXIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)
+
+    ---- ----'S discourses from his _heart_
+      Proceed, as everybody owns;
+    And thus they prove the poet's art,
+      Who says that "sermons are in _stones_."
+
+
+        DCXX.--CONCURRENT EVENTS.
+
+A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that
+he had _lost_ all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time,
+sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I _lost_ all my large estate in
+Yorkshire."
+
+
+        DCXXI.--A GOOD EXCUSE.
+
+AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally
+in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had
+taken _all_ the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.
+
+
+        DCXXII.--SHORT AND SHARP.
+
+"WHY, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company
+with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not
+see you before."
+
+"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among
+six copper pennies,--not easily perceived, but worth the _whole_ of
+them."
+
+
+        DCXXIII.--IRELAND'S FORGERY.
+
+    SAYS Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"
+    Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The _Lie of the Day_!"
+    "Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we _act the same_;
+    But to cozen the town we adopt a _new name_;
+    For that _Vortigern's_ Shakespeare's we some of us say,
+    Which you very well know is a _lie_ of the day."
+
+
+        DCXXIV.--A GOOD ONE.
+
+LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's
+early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and
+Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he
+paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"--"I
+_never_ heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.
+
+
+        DCXXV.--"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."
+
+A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to _ignore_ a bill.
+"Write _Ignoramus for self and fellows_ on the back of it," said Curran.
+
+
+        DCXXVI.--A WORD TO THE WISE.
+
+DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an
+excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All
+wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr.
+Wharton, then at Winchester school:--
+
+    If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,
+    That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.
+
+
+        DCXXVII.--LIBERAL GIFT.
+
+A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had
+met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards
+he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he
+returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me
+something?"--"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I _give_
+you the _hint_?"
+
+
+        DCXXVIII.--EASILY ANSWERED.
+
+A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox
+twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.
+
+
+        DCXXIX.--ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.
+
+    WHEN Dido mourned, Æneas would not come,
+    She wept in silence, and was _Di-Do-Dumb_.
+
+
+        DCXXX.--DODGING A CREDITOR.
+
+A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of
+Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose
+his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said
+Sheridan. "Do you think so?"--"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The
+creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted
+round the corner, and was _out of sight_ in a moment.
+
+
+        DCXXXI.--BAD HABIT.
+
+SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never
+effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or
+suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a
+moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion _literatim_. Sir
+Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding
+the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for
+extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the
+disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that
+the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the
+Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting
+behind him, jocularly whispered, "_and be whipped at the cart's
+tail_."--"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick
+unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.
+
+
+        DCXXXII.--WHO'S TO BLAME.
+
+KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in
+a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who
+was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir,
+whose _fault_ is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.
+
+
+        DCXXXIII.--THE LETTER H.
+
+SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness
+whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be
+bothered a little, and his only vulnerable point was said to be his
+self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,--a portly,
+overdressed person,--and Scarlett took him in hand.
+
+_Q._ Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?
+
+_A._ Yes.
+
+_Q._ You are a stock-broker?
+
+_A._ I _ham_!
+
+Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And
+a very fine, well-dressed _ham_ you are, sir?"
+
+The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the
+witness, and the counsel's point was gained.
+
+
+        DCXXXIV.--TRUTH AND RHYME.
+
+IN the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to
+respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the
+bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow
+(who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton)
+had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the
+bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said
+to Barrow,--
+
+"_Quid est fides_?" (What is faith?)
+
+"_Quod non vides_" (What thou dost not see),
+
+answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little
+vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,--
+
+"_Quid est spes_?" (What is hope?)
+
+"_Magna res_" (A great thing),
+
+replied the young candidate in the same breath.
+
+"_Quid est charitas_?" (What is charity?)
+
+was the next question.
+
+"_Magna raritas_" (A great rarity),
+
+was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a
+precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the
+bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give
+rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he
+believed his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow,
+Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of
+the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he
+is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to _examine us than
+we him_." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.
+
+
+        DCXXXV.--A GOOD TRANSLATION.
+
+    "PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:
+    Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."
+
+Thus translated--
+
+    "There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain:
+    Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."
+
+
+        DCXXXVI.--MAD QUAKERS.
+
+A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of
+greater importance than any _other_ mad person of the same degree in
+life.
+
+
+        DCXXXVII.--BACON.
+
+A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to
+him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a _reprieve_.
+To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be
+_Bacon_ till he had first been _hung_."
+
+
+        DCXXXVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.
+
+    SAID vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,
+    Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."
+    Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,
+    For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."
+
+
+        DCXXXIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.
+
+JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to
+see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the
+shutters before there is something in the window."
+
+
+        DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.
+
+JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his
+acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l.,
+as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe,
+"here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak
+to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they
+might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe
+went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His
+lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My
+lord, here are two men who have such great _scruples of conscience_,
+that I fear they'll hang themselves."--"Very well," said the bishop; so,
+calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow
+morning, and _I will satisfy you_." The men bowed, and went away
+pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt
+and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his
+lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of
+conscience?"--"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have _no scruples_. We
+are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines,
+for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us
+to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed
+were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.
+
+
+        DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.
+
+SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it
+was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should
+not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no _periods_ to
+their works."
+
+
+        DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.
+
+LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax,
+in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he
+stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said,
+"Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not
+let me linger; I see you have _not faggots enough_." This good-humored
+speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.
+
+
+        DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.
+
+THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of
+the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced
+to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.
+
+
+        DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.
+
+PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a
+loss for _something_ to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass
+mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another,
+without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he
+inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only _a-liquid_!"
+answered Porson.
+
+
+        DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.
+
+THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table
+between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street,
+Strand, where he resided:--
+
+    _J.S._--"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,
+                  And ten dark coal barges are moored:
+                  Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
+                  For there's _craft_ in the river, and _craft_ in the
+                      street."
+
+    _Sir G.R._--"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,
+                       From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?
+                     For the attorneys are _just_ at the top of the street,
+                       And the barges are _just_ at the bottom."
+
+
+        DCXLVI.--A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.
+
+JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In
+the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's
+foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send
+the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied,
+"and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,--'When
+this you see, remember me.'"
+
+
+        DCXLVII.--A NEW DISGUISE.
+
+THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On
+a masquerade night, he asked Foote what _new_ character he should go in.
+"Go sober!" said Foote.
+
+
+        DCXLVIII.--WET AND DRY.
+
+DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been
+caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the
+time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and
+ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm
+dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr.
+Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be _dry
+eneuch_ when ye get into the _pu'pit_."
+
+
+        DCXLIX.--RUM AND WATER.
+
+A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society,
+being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly
+answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond
+of rum; for if I tak' mair than _six_ tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me
+a headache."
+
+
+        DCL.--A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.
+
+PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all
+nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if
+by common consent, is the following:--
+
+_Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an Irish
+Member of Parliament, to his friend in London._
+
+MY DEAR SIR,--
+
+Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the
+dreadful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood-thirsty
+rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are
+in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except
+whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both
+hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a
+pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be
+the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At
+present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I
+should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive
+it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being
+robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from
+Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left
+behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but
+two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last
+Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under
+the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except
+bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and
+children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little;
+we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face,
+but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed,
+we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns,
+except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets
+and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them
+escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a
+very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms
+were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to
+rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found
+was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water,
+and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops
+are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my
+ideas.
+
+I have only time to add that I am in great haste.
+
+  Yours truly,
+  ---- ----.
+
+P.S.--If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried,
+therefore I beg you will write to let me know.
+
+
+        DCLI.--IMPROMPTU.
+
+(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall
+of Sparta.")
+
+    SO great thy art, that while we viewed,
+      Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,
+    We caught the Spartan fortitude,
+      And saw their woes without _a tear_!
+
+
+        DCLII.--WILKES AND A LIBERTY.
+
+SO ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of
+the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a
+mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his
+boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door,
+"Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.
+
+
+        DCLIII.--A STRANGE OBJECTION.
+
+A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert.
+"Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my _wine in
+pills_!"
+
+
+        DCLIV.--THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.
+
+IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant,
+doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon
+us!--D.J.
+
+
+        DCLV.--MAKING A CLEARANCE.
+
+AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the _bowl_ to be
+introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a
+toast, "The trade of Glasgow and _the outward bound_;" the hint was
+taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.
+
+
+        DCLVI.--A SMART ONE-POUNDER.
+
+WHILE the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre,
+in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of _Polly_, expressed a
+wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher;
+to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must
+sing, 'The Miser thus a _Guinea_ sees.'"
+
+
+        DCLVII.--RESIGNATION.
+
+AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he
+came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command
+success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it," heaved a deep
+sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more,
+Sempronius,--we'll do _without_ it."
+
+
+        DCLVIII.--DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.
+
+DELPINI had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the
+Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre
+in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his
+Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre
+Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre
+Delpini, I must go to your _papa's_ bench."
+
+
+        DCLIX.--A PHONETIC JOKE.
+
+A LITTLE girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c.,
+having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical
+acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating
+him to _Zeidlitz_ powders.
+
+
+        DCLX.--PURE FOLKS.
+
+VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty
+bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.
+
+
+        DCLXI.--GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.
+
+WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the
+following piece of intelligence: "_Yarn_ has risen one farthing a
+pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.--G. a'B.
+
+
+        DCLXII.--JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.
+
+WESTMACOTT, of the _Age_ paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well
+thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice
+done him, a person present remarked, "That has been done _already_." A
+similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.
+
+
+        DCLXIII.--KITCHENER AND COLMAN.
+
+THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivants_ of the day graced the
+dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, _inter alia_, the late
+George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a
+little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to
+be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be
+forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom
+permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at
+eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's
+attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment,
+"Come at seven, _go it_ at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret
+was punished accordingly.
+
+
+        DCLXIV.--A SPARE MAN.
+
+JERROLD said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without
+the head or the point."
+
+
+        DCLXV.--A LONG BILL.
+
+WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when
+Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the
+comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It
+should have been Woodcock, _by the length of your bill_!"
+
+
+        DCLXVI.--ROYAL PUN.
+
+WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit,
+his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to
+William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and
+affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the
+newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at _the main_, Admiral!
+white at _the main_!"
+
+
+        DCLXVII.--A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.
+
+TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore
+Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as
+to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating
+upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said
+Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as
+like as _two peas_."--"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as _green_."
+
+
+        DCLXVIII.--SPRANGER BARRY.
+
+THIS celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of
+_Romeo_, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome
+and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he
+attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his
+part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of
+the public by performing _Romeo_ himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the
+natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have
+willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been
+a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when _Juliet_ in
+soliloquy exclaims, "_O Romeo, Romeo_, wherefore art thou _Romeo_?" an
+auditor archly replied, aloud, "_Because Barry has gone to the other
+house_."
+
+
+        DCLXIX.--BAD SPORT.
+
+MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house
+with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from
+bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed
+two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you _Fox_
+hunting, or _Hare_ hunting this morning?"
+
+
+        DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
+
+THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog
+shall mix _equal_ quantities of spirits and water, though she never
+observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a
+glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it _As
+you like it_?"--"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is _Measure for
+Measure_."
+
+
+        DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.
+
+JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they
+came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state
+now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the
+idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see
+_that_, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just
+mentioned; "and now where would _you_ be if the gallows had its
+due?"--"Riding _alone_," coolly replied Paddy.
+
+
+        DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.
+
+SEVERAL publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to
+renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one
+of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any
+pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately
+replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into
+our barrels that I know of, but the _exciseman's stick_."
+
+
+        DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRÆTEREA NIHIL.
+
+    "I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"
+        Said a punster perusing a trial;
+    "I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
+        He's been _Vaux et præterea nihil_."
+
+
+        DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.
+
+A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight
+people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb
+remarked that they must have been very _sharp set_.
+
+
+        DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.
+
+DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two
+heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the
+publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor,
+are you not a justice of the peace?"--"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said
+Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the _house of correction_."
+
+
+        DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.
+
+    AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,
+    Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,
+    In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus,
+    Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us;
+    Yet to show a celestial to kindness so prone is,
+    Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."
+    Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!
+    If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll _starve me_!"
+
+
+        DCLXXVII.--A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.
+
+A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any
+book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when
+speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it
+poured forth _volumes_ of smoke! _Volumes_, did I say? Whole
+_encyclopædias_!" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two
+_mandami_.
+
+
+        DCLXXVIII.--A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.
+
+DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question
+of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted
+upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do
+you remember my Baroness in _Ask no Questions_?" said Mr. S. "Yes,
+indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck
+by your _barrenness_," was the retort.
+
+
+        DCLXXIX.--LOVE AND HYMEN.
+
+HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.
+
+
+        DCLXXX.--PAR NOBILE FRATRUM.
+
+A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He
+had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his
+silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one
+occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament
+called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request with much
+eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles,
+without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked
+across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy
+chiel'll no _tell muckle_ that you and I _said_ till him."
+
+
+        DCLXXXI.--PLAIN LANGUAGE.
+
+MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened
+to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;"
+upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr.
+Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain
+_common sense_, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll
+ken."
+
+
+        DCLXXXII.--A SETTLER.
+
+A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death
+with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he
+put a poser--"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"--"Why that, sir,"
+stammered out Lamb, "will _depend_ upon the boiled legs of mutton."
+
+
+        DCLXXXIII.--CASH PAYMENTS.
+
+PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he
+made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said,
+"Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson
+good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it
+be as like _two shillings_ as you can."
+
+
+        DCLXXXIV.--LAWYER'S HOUSE.
+
+    THE lawyer's house, if I have rightly read,
+    Is built upon the fool or madman's head.
+
+
+        DCLXXXV.--A REASONABLE DEMAND.
+
+COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the
+playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into
+it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him,
+"B----, I go by your door, and will set you down." B---- gave the
+chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head,
+and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you
+scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"--"But consider the fright
+your honor put us into," replied Pat,--"_consider the fright_!"
+
+
+        DCLXXXVI.--EBENEZER ADAMS.
+
+THIS celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six
+months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with
+black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great
+solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So
+friend, I see that thou hast not yet _forgiven_ God Almighty." This
+seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was
+addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and
+went about her necessary business and avocations.
+
+
+        DCLXXXVII.--ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.
+
+A YOUNG fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she,
+"thee must not do it."--"O, _by Jove!_ but I must," said the youth.
+"Well, friend, as thee hast _sworn_, thee may do it, but thee must not
+make a practice of it."
+
+
+        DCLXXXVIII.--A FIG FOR THE GROCER!
+
+WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St.
+Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man,
+addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at
+this momentous epoch of your life."--"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I
+want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to
+be off!"
+
+
+        DCLXXXIX.--STEAM-BOAT RACING.
+
+SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following
+advice from a friend: "When you are racing with an opposition
+steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the
+captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his
+weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time,
+especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the
+resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid
+their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons
+without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why
+to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat,
+and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have
+not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the
+rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard
+during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger
+overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives
+an answer in the affirmative, he will call out '_Go ahead_!'"
+
+
+        DCXC.--GENTLY, JEMMY.
+
+SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The
+horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate
+him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let
+me down, Jemmy." Once on _terra-firma_, the doctor's view of the case
+was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better
+of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave
+you to manage him--_I'll walk back_."
+
+
+        DCXCI.--WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?
+
+LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one
+noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said
+the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'_Worth_
+makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_.'"
+
+
+        DCXCII.--QUIET THEFT.
+
+A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that
+nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a
+_mute_.
+
+
+        DCXCIII.--GOOD ADVICE.
+
+A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college)
+being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a
+broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?"
+After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the
+owner _to sell_ as soon as possible."
+
+
+        DCXCIV.--CRITICISING A STATUE.
+
+SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its
+verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the
+smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster
+Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is
+colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so
+_large_ a man."--"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so _green_."
+
+
+        DCXCV.--A COMPARISON.
+
+DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had
+been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive
+evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:--
+
+"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"--"I saw a stone, and I'ze
+pretty sure the defendant throwed it."
+
+"Was it a large stone?"--"I should say it wur a largish stone."
+
+"What was its size?"--"I should say a sizeable stone."
+
+"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"--"I should say it wur a
+stone of some bigness."
+
+"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"--"Why, as near as I
+recollect, it wur something of a stone."
+
+"Can't you compare it to some other object?"--"Why, if I wur to compare
+it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large
+as a lump o' chalk!"
+
+
+        DCXCVI.--FATIGUE DUTY.
+
+A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another
+that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other,
+"I preach twice every Sunday, and _make nothing_ of it."
+
+
+        DCXCVII.--GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.
+
+STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the
+Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose,
+Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which
+of us two do you think they will eat first?"--"Those that are
+_gluttons_," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of _me_,
+but the _epicures_ will attack you!"
+
+
+        DCXCVIII.--A BAD END.
+
+IT was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been
+drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own _watery
+bier_."
+
+
+        DCXCIX.--ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS),
+        WHICH SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."
+
+    THIS name's the best that could be given,
+      As will by proof be quickly seen;
+    For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"
+      She was, of course, the _raining Queen_.
+
+
+        DCC.--ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.
+
+IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive
+picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear
+friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do
+not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase
+at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this
+matter is evident--they never considered the temper of the people they
+had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an
+avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young
+rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I
+pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and therefore my
+administration has been attended with a different effect."
+
+"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty
+of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one
+night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand,
+and _up starts_ a patriot."
+
+
+        DCCI.--BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."
+
+WHEN Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was
+so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so
+much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to
+get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and
+for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and
+accost him with "Have you read my book?"--"Yes, ---- you!" replied Lord
+Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not _help myself_."
+
+
+        DCCII.--VERY LIKE A WHALE.
+
+    THE first of all the royal infant males
+    Should take the title of the Prince of _Wales_;
+    Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,
+    Babies and _whales_ are both inclined to _blubber_.
+
+
+        DCCIII.--A NEW SIGN.
+
+A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign
+was. He answered, that it was _a sign_ he was drunk.
+
+
+        DCCIV.--FALSE QUANTITIES.
+
+A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the
+outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.
+
+
+        DCCV.--NOT TRUE.
+
+A LADY was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr.
+----, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well,"
+replied the lady, "if he is very much _unlike_ other men, he is more
+likely to make a good husband."
+
+
+        DCCVI.--BETTING.
+
+THE folly of _betting_ is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters:
+"Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at
+White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the
+club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they
+were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said
+it would affect the fairness of the bet."
+
+
+        DCCVII.--FIRE AND WATER.
+
+PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own
+part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of
+attempting to light a cigar at _a pump_."
+
+
+        DCCVIII.--THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.
+
+    THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector,
+      Passes near your parish spire;
+    Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture
+      E'er will overwhelmed expire.
+    Put not then your hopes in weepers,
+      Solid work my road secures;
+    Preach whate'er you will--_my_ sleepers
+      Never will awaken _yours_.
+
+These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the
+_last ever written_ by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented
+author,--James Smith.
+
+
+        DCCIX.--THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.
+
+COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an
+admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus
+impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a
+philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the
+dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener
+no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed,
+"_Them's the jockeys for me_!"
+
+
+        DCCX.--EQUALITY.
+
+A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same
+time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for
+a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the
+highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I _won't_ keep
+off; I have as much _right_ to be here as you!"
+
+
+        DCCXI.--A CANDID COUNSEL.
+
+AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned,
+replied, "I am _concerned_ for the plaintiff, but I'm _retained_ by the
+defendant."
+
+
+        DCCXII.--TRADE AGAINST LAND.
+
+WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke
+of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would
+spend £50,000 rather than he should _come in_. Whitbread, with true
+English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would
+pay for that.
+
+
+        DCCXIII.--TRUE EVIDENCE.
+
+A JEW called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the opposing
+counsel thus examined him: "What is your name?"--"Jacob."--"What are
+you?"--"General dealer."--"Do you keep a shop?"--"No."--"How then do you
+dispose of your goods?"--"To the _best advantage_, my good fellow."
+
+
+        DCCXIV.--DR. YOUNG.
+
+DR. YOUNG was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two
+ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to
+acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go,
+one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him
+to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, laid
+his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:--
+
+    "Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven,
+    And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.
+    Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;
+    Like him I go, for angels drove us both.
+    Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind;
+    His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."
+
+
+        DCCXV.--A YANKEE YARN.
+
+MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being
+intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and
+marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the
+five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady,
+she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately
+jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again,
+she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so
+wet?"--"Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, and married him.
+
+
+        DCCXVI.--SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.
+
+THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their
+ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they
+could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who
+heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly
+hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they
+were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been
+laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his parishioners with whom
+he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received
+for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld
+sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld
+sermon, for the minister had preached it no' _sax months_ syne."
+
+
+        DCCXVII.--LOVE OF THE SEA.
+
+LOVE the sea? I dote upon it,--from the beach.--D.J.
+
+
+        DCCXVIII.--UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.
+
+A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a
+chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. "Do you
+know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are
+better fed than taught, I think, sir."--"Whew, may be it is so, measter,
+for you _teaches_ me, but I _feeds_ myself."
+
+
+        DCCXIX.--COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.
+
+AN American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest
+in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family
+plate,--_the fetters and handcuffs_!
+
+
+        DCCXX.--A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.
+
+A POOR youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the
+price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the
+toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to
+jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be
+_capped_? Are they not _fellows_?"
+
+
+        DCCXXI.--A MEDICAL OPINION.
+
+AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the
+disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of
+physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was
+necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation,
+which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son.
+"O, father, father, do not let them _tap_ you," screamed the boy, in an
+agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"--"Why, my
+dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall
+live long in health to make you happy."--"No, father, no, you will not:
+there never was anything _tapped_ in our house that lasted longer than a
+week."
+
+
+        DCCXXII.--THE CAUSE.
+
+    LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles--
+      What secret care consumes her youth,
+    And circumscribes her smiles?
+      _A speck on a front tooth._
+
+
+        DCCXXIII.--WHAT'S GOING ON?
+
+A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met
+his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what
+is going on to-day?"
+
+Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"
+
+
+        DCCXXIV.--SNORING.
+
+A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he
+received the following polite note: "Deacon ---- is requested not to
+commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in
+the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the _text_."
+
+
+        DCCXXV.--TWO MAKE A PAIR.
+
+SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III.,
+the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse:
+"Here is to be seen the _fork_ belonging to the _knife_ with which
+Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."
+
+
+        DCCXXVI.--ALMANAC-MAKERS.
+
+TWO women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a
+witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an _almanac-maker_; for
+thou liest every day and all the year long."
+
+
+        DCCXXVII.--A BLACK JOKE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of
+colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men
+with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"--"_Black as ever_," was the reply.
+
+
+        DCCXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    "HE that will never look upon an ass,
+    Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."
+
+
+        DCCXXIX.--EXAGGERATION.
+
+A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can
+discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."--"I don't
+see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it _running_."
+
+
+        DCCXXX.--WINNING A LOSS.
+
+A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn
+full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money,
+made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in
+the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat
+the company."--"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a
+sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the
+swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and _treat_ the
+company."
+
+
+        DCCXXXI.--ADVICE GRATIS.
+
+ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant
+Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of _law_ than of
+_fact_, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not
+quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, _for nothing_, what you
+would not give him under _two guineas_."
+
+
+        DCCXXXII.--SHORT COMMONS.
+
+AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice:
+"Wanted, _two_ apprentices, who will be treated as _one_ of the family."
+
+
+        CCXXXIII.--LICENSED TO KILL.
+
+WHEN an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick,
+Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him
+for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every
+day, and why may not I?"--"Because," replied the satirist, "_you are not
+qualified to kill game, and I am_."
+
+
+        CXXXIV.--WILKES AND LIBERTY.
+
+WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him
+thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his
+abuse of the Royal family among you?"--"I do not at present know,"
+replied he, dryly, "but I _am trying_."
+
+
+        DCCXXXV.--A PAT REPLY.
+
+LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the
+permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord
+Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his
+talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said
+Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the _Rolls_, I care nothing for your
+_butter_."
+
+
+        DCCXXXVI.--LORD NORTH ASLEEP.
+
+HIS Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues
+of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything
+remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker
+entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark,
+he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to
+build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering
+premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived.
+Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir
+Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a _century or two_ more?"
+
+
+        DCCXXXVII.--RATHER SAUCY.
+
+"YOU had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed
+gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.
+
+"I asked for what I thought you had _the most_ of," was the cutting
+reply.
+
+
+        DCCXXXVIII.--LONG STORY.
+
+A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied
+to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had begun to describe its progress
+from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into
+the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how
+long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty
+minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to
+_finish_ by the time he _returned_.
+
+
+        DCCXXXIX.--EUCLID REFUTED.
+
+(A part is not equal to the whole.--Axiom.)
+
+    THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove,
+      Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;
+    'Tis plain _one sixteenth part_ of Brougham's sense,
+      Equals the _whole_ possessed by L--d--d--y.
+
+
+        DCCXL.--BRED ON THE BOARDS.
+
+WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion,
+had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of
+strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's
+V----, he was bred on these boards!"--"He looks as though he'd been cut
+out of them," replied Jerrold.
+
+
+        DCCXLI.--ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.
+
+    NO wonder the debate fell dead
+    'Neath such a constant fire of lead.
+
+
+        DCCXLII.--PAINTING.
+
+A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his
+performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you
+want nothing but _poverty_ to become a very excellent painter."
+
+
+        DCCXLIII.--OLD AGE.
+
+A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then
+intervals of gayety: some person observed, "_he resembles an old castle
+which is sometimes visited by spirits_."
+
+
+        DCCXLIV.--AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.
+
+"WOULD you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to
+study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."--"His _memory_ is evidently
+not so good as yours," replied B.
+
+
+        DCCXLV.--A READY RECKONER.
+
+A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was
+accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he
+declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank
+off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when
+demand of payment was made for the whiskey.
+
+"Sure, and haven't I _given_ ye the loaf for the whiskey?"
+
+"Well, but you did not _pay_ for the loaf, you know."
+
+"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I _didn't take_ the loaf, man
+alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a
+brown study.
+
+
+        DCCXLVI.--A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.
+
+MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had
+frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham,
+and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, _Brough-am_.
+
+"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the
+carriage a _Bro'am_, it will save the time of the court," said Lord
+Campbell, with a smile.
+
+Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordship's pronunciation of the word
+during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum
+up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the
+Bro'am, and in doing so pronounced the word also, according to its
+orthography. "I beg your Lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very
+respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for
+such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss--" The loud laughter which ensued,
+and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the
+sentence.
+
+
+        DCCXLVII.--TRUE POLITENESS.
+
+SIR W.G., when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro
+who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to
+salute a slave?"--"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a
+man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."
+
+
+        DCCXLVIII.--A RAKE'S ECONOMY.
+
+    WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends,
+      My savings are complete;
+    I light the candle at both ends,
+      And thus make both ends meet.
+
+
+        DCCXLIX.--EASILY SATISFIED.
+
+A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a
+violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in _earnest_.
+"Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned
+away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such _jests_."
+
+
+        DCCL.--PERT.
+
+MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the
+former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very
+merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin.
+"No, sir," said Foote, "pray, _do you_?"
+
+
+        DCCLI.--A ROYAL MUFF.
+
+THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William
+IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on
+the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a
+butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.--'Nice
+pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.--'Pretty fair,' was my
+reply.--'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to
+Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's
+boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed, with
+a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a _muff_!'"
+
+
+        DCCLII.--A BROAD HINT.
+
+AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion--the case
+being outrageously preposterous--replied, in answer to the question,
+"Would an action lie?"--"Yes, if the witnesses would _lie_ too, but not
+otherwise."
+
+
+        DCCLIII.--A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he
+is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste,
+eh?"
+
+"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"
+
+
+        DCCLIV.--"THE LAST WAR."
+
+MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which
+preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it
+"the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He
+took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was
+interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,--the last war but
+one."--"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising
+his sonorous voice,--"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish
+_to remember_." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an
+universal cheering, long and loud.
+
+
+        DCCLV.--THE PHILANTHROPIST.
+
+JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was
+called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself
+so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to
+get rid of the reputation."
+
+
+        DCCLVI.--TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.
+
+ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles
+constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal
+to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the
+barbarous condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said
+a native, "but if the quality of it be rather _infairior_, we give _good
+measure_ of it, anyhow."
+
+
+        DCCLVII--BAD COMPANY.
+
+AT the time that the bubble schemes were _flourishing_, in 1825, Mr.
+Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of
+those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to
+partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be
+defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he,
+"you will have nothing but _bubble and squeak_ in a short time."
+
+
+        DCCLVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the King's double dealing.)
+
+    OF such a paradox as this,
+    Before I never dreamt;
+    The King of England has become,
+    A _subject_ of contempt!!!
+
+
+        DCCLIX.--PAINTING.
+
+A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the
+lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that
+painting I think myself _deaf_."
+
+
+        DCCLX.--NIL NISI, ETC.
+
+A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it
+very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house,
+"don't you like the beer?"--"It is not to be found fault with," answered
+the other; "for one should never speak ill of the _dead_."
+
+
+        DCCLXI.--ODD FORESIGHT.
+
+LADY MARGARET HERBERT asked somebody for a _pretty_ pattern for a
+nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a
+nightcap?"--"O! child," said she, "you know, in _case of fire_!"
+
+
+        DCCLXII.--"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.
+
+A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been
+known to shed a tear except when _Macheath_, in the "Beggar's Opera,"
+got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung
+beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."--"If you try it, my lord,"
+replied Curran, "it's sure _to be hung_."
+
+
+        DCCLXIII.--GENERAL WOLFE.
+
+GENERAL WOLFE invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he
+was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he
+to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed,
+he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said
+_General_ Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude,
+"we never say _General_ Alexander, or _General_ Cæsar." Wolfe, who was
+within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the
+pleasure he felt at the high compliment.
+
+
+        DCCLXIV.--A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.
+
+    AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,
+    Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,
+    "I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver;
+    "Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."
+    Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears:
+    As a bridge it can only be tried by _its piers_."
+
+
+        DCCLXV.--A NOISE FOR NOTHING.
+
+WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining
+with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the
+fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as
+caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the
+accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the
+plates?"--"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"--"Not one!" exclaimed
+Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise _for
+nothing_!"
+
+
+        DCCLXVI.--SHORT MEASURE.
+
+SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag
+wrote underneath, "_Two-thirds_ of the truth."
+
+
+        DCCLXVII.--DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very
+drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your _wine-cellar_ into your
+_book-seller_."
+
+
+        DCCLXVIII.--A DILEMMA.
+
+WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners
+sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now,
+beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly,
+those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too
+loud, I shall _wake_ the chief man in the parish."
+
+
+        DCCLXIX.--HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.
+
+    A BROW austere, a circumspective eye,
+    A frequent shrug of the _os humeri_,
+    A nod significant, a stately gait,
+    A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,
+    A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,--
+    Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:
+    Then rest assured that those of little sense
+    Will deem you, sure, _a man of consequence_.
+
+
+        DCCLXX.--A CHEAP WATCH.
+
+A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to
+him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The
+watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing
+than its original cost."--"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will
+even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on
+the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you _two_."
+
+
+        DCCLXXI.--SCOTCH WUT.
+
+A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it,
+and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."--"Did ye," said John;
+"wull ye haud my horse, sir?"--"Certainly," said the laird, and away
+rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back,
+nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna
+find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad
+ha' wondered if ye had, for it's _ten years_ sin' I saw him gang in
+there."
+
+
+        DCCLXXII.--ATTENDING TO A WISH.
+
+"I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage
+manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying _as little_ as I
+can!" was the calm reply.
+
+
+        DCCLXXIII.--A MECHANICAL SURGEON.
+
+A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was
+nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a
+ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off
+his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately
+called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no
+surgeon,--_a carpenter! a carpenter_!"
+
+
+        DCCLXXIV.--CANINE POETRY.
+
+A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:--
+
+    "This collar don't belong to you, sir,
+    Pass on--or you may have one too, sir."
+
+The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon
+whose collar was inscribed:--
+
+    "I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"
+
+
+        DCCLXXV.--FOOTIANA.
+
+FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to
+the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at
+_Cork_. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many _drawings_ of
+it."
+
+
+        DCCLXXVI.--NIGHT AND MORNING.
+
+AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a
+very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family
+were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over
+in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat
+anything during _the night_!"
+
+
+        DCCLXXVII.--FULL INSIDE.
+
+CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his
+seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in
+and politely asked, "All full inside?"--"I don't know how it may be,
+sir, with the _other_ passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece
+of oyster-pie did the business for _me_."
+
+
+        DCCLXXVIII.--A SHORT JOURNEY.
+
+AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to
+the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a
+mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation,
+exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this
+before; what shall we do?"--"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't
+expect to _go out_ of this town."
+
+
+        DCCLXXIX.--A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.
+
+DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a
+horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who,
+as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there
+(while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of
+remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again _address me_, Sir W----, I
+shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him,
+and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly
+too.
+
+
+        DCCLXXX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean,
+      "What reason can be given,
+    Since marriage is a holy thing,
+      That there are none in Heaven?"
+
+    "There are no women," he replied.
+      She quick returns the jest,--
+    "Women there are, but I'm afraid
+      They cannot find a priest."
+
+
+        DCCLXXXI.--AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.
+
+WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who
+accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to
+throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of _hostility_ to
+the Church Establishment?"
+
+
+        DCCLXXXII.--VALUE OF APPLAUSE.
+
+SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors,
+as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us
+_breath_."
+
+
+        DCCLXXXIII.--LITTLE TO GIVE.
+
+A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in
+company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own
+way."--"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's _all_ I have to
+_give them_."
+
+
+        DCCLXXXIV.--A GOOD SWIMMER.
+
+A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at
+swimming, vowed that he would never _enter_ the water again until he was
+a complete master of the art.
+
+[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]
+
+
+        DCCLXXXV.--NO PRIDE.
+
+A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being
+elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at
+last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office
+were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited
+outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was
+unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the
+armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his
+friends, lifting up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, _supposing_
+I'm a deacon, mind, I can be _spoken_ to at ony time."
+
+
+        DCCLXXXVI.--LORD CLONMEL.
+
+THE late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a
+shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a
+_good one_. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he
+used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon
+by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as
+shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. _Is
+this a good shilling?_ Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this
+your name and handwriting?"
+
+
+        DCCLXXXVII.--QUEER PARTNERS.
+
+JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a
+young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live!
+there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.
+
+
+        DCCLXXXVIII.--CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.
+
+CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be
+corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all
+turned thieves."--"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."--"Mivert!"
+exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."--"Therefore _he
+cannot be corrupted_, your majesty," answered Sidney.
+
+
+        DCCLXXXIX.--EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.
+
+    ST. PAUL has declared that, when persons, though twain,
+    Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.
+    But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing,
+    Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring,
+    St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone,
+    And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."
+
+
+        DCCXC.--GOOD AUTHORITY.
+
+HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a
+partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr.
+Tooke, you will have all the _blackguards_ with you to-day."--"I am
+delighted to hear it, sir, and from such _good_ authority."
+
+
+        DCCXCI.--LUXURIOUS SMOKING.
+
+"THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young
+Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted
+pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked
+it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the
+proper _taste_ restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of
+its wants.'"
+
+
+        DCCXCII.--NO JUDGE.
+
+A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a
+particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to
+reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere
+_toss-up_." "But _heads_ seldom win," observed a learned barrister,
+sitting behind him.
+
+
+        DCCXCIII.--RELATIONS OF MANKIND.
+
+BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected
+together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support
+by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a
+shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.--S.S.
+
+
+        DCCXCIV.--VERY TRUE.
+
+SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law
+an "_ars bablativa_."
+
+
+        DCCXCV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)
+
+    THE Whigs, because they rat and change
+      To Toryism, all must spurn;
+    Yet in the fact there's nothing strange,
+      That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.
+
+
+        DCCXCVI.--DRINKING ALONE.
+
+THE author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his
+arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have
+apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round
+_so_ often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being
+asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without
+assistance?" answered, "No--not quite that--I had the _assistance_ of a
+bottle of Madeira."
+
+
+        DCCXCVII.--A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.
+
+THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was
+reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very
+often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally
+employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the _spoils_ into the
+_sound-holes_ of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a
+quantity of gunpowder into B----'s instrument. The tea equipage being
+removed, music became the order of the evening, and B---- dashed away at
+Vanhall's 47th. B---- came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed,
+and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place--_fit fragor_, and
+bang went the fiddle to pieces.
+
+
+        DCCXCVIII.--READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.
+
+WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying
+down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on
+the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:--
+
+"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads
+together, and there is the wood pavement."
+
+This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.
+
+
+        DCCXCIX.--PROPER DISTINCTION.
+
+AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain
+D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many
+minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in
+no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which
+the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient
+haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he
+was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ----. "That,"
+replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. ---- is a
+_gentleman_, and you are a _blackguard_!"
+
+
+        DCCC.--GRACEFUL EXCUSE.
+
+WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with
+several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that
+marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a
+colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our
+branch of the service?"--"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden
+thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has _done its duty_ once, and
+is ready to do it again."
+
+
+        DCCCI.--SLACK PAYMENT.
+
+EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked,
+"Did he not give you the coals, friend?"--"He did, sir, but--"--"But
+what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment _slack_?"
+
+
+        DCCCII.--WAY OF USING BOOKS.
+
+STERNE used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to
+serve them as some people do lords, learn their _titles_ and then _brag_
+of their acquaintance."
+
+
+        DCCCIII.--PATRICK HENRY.
+
+WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the
+American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp
+Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed,
+when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Cæsar had his
+Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George III...."--"Treason!" cried
+the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It
+was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry
+faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and
+fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "_may profit
+by their example_. If this be treason, make the most of it."
+
+
+        DCCCIV.--ROGERS--POET AND SKIPPER.
+
+ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new
+publications must often do as the flea does--_skip_.
+
+
+        DCCCV.--OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.
+
+"IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the
+English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just
+to celebrate the event."
+
+
+        DCCCVI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    WHEN by a jury one is tried,
+    Twelve of _his equals_ are implied;
+    Then W---- might attempt in vain,
+    This sacred privilege to obtain.
+    Since human nature ne'er on earth
+    Gave to _twelve equal_ scoundrels birth.
+
+
+        DCCCVII.--REFORMATION.
+
+JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said
+to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the
+Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said
+he, "what are you ruminating on?"--"A greater work than your lordship's
+History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said
+the Bishop. "The _reformation of myself_, my lord," answered the son.
+
+
+        DCCCVIII.--THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.
+
+LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old
+heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is
+admirable.
+
+Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not
+being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father
+had been a footman: _Here lies the last who died before the first of his
+family!_ Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore,
+who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur,
+I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"
+
+The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander
+the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once
+formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the
+clan must have come!
+
+
+        DCCCIX.--EQUAL TO NOTHING.
+
+ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had
+little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're _equal to
+it_!"
+
+
+        DCCCX.--FAMILIARITY.
+
+A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late
+Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as
+follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to
+the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after
+noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said,
+"Sam, this may be very well between _you and me_, but it will not do
+with the Norfolks and Arundels."
+
+
+        DCCCXI.--EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.
+
+AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages
+against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a
+compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle
+the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
+learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear.
+"I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's
+no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little _warm ale_!"
+
+
+        DCCCXII.--MAC READY TO CALL.
+
+IN the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his
+staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of
+the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house _Almack's_, "For,"
+said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call _Mac_, you
+will have a head popped out of every window."
+
+
+        DCCCXIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)
+
+    OF miracles this is _sans doute_ the most rare,
+    I ever perceived, heard reported, or read;
+    A man with abundance of _scents_ in his _hair_,
+    Without the least atom of _sense_ in his _head_.
+
+
+        DCCCXIV.--LOOK-A-HEAD.
+
+A TORY member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the
+hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing
+elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the
+_state of the poll_.
+
+                                                                 G. A'B.
+
+
+        DCCCXV.--THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.
+
+JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a
+prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.
+
+
+        DCCCXVI.--SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.
+
+TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies,
+inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it
+was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was
+delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a
+personage."--"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"--"Yes:
+she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in _your_
+celebrated '_Almanac_' for the last five or six years!"
+
+
+        DCCCXVII.--BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+MRS. FOOTE, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune
+nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between
+them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."--Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."
+
+
+        DCCCXVIII.--MAN-TRAPS.
+
+IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit
+upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning
+of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every
+day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length
+and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in
+very large letters, the following: "_Tondapamubomenos set up in these
+grounds_." It was perfectly a "patent safety."
+
+
+        DCCCXIX.--A COLORABLE EXCUSE.
+
+A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I
+can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you _uncover_ your face."
+
+
+        DCCCXX.--CONSISTENCY.
+
+    NO wonder Tory landlords flout
+      "Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain
+    With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
+      Must go against the grain.
+
+
+        DCCCXXI.--A WONDERFUL CURE.
+
+DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having
+quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to
+admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that
+Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of
+tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be
+from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he
+had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "_broke_ his leg, and applied to me
+for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with
+the celebrated _tar-water_. Almost immediately the sailor felt the
+beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg
+was completely _healed_!" The letter was read, and discussed at the
+meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of
+opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the
+restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country
+practitioner:--"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of
+the sailor was a _wooden leg_!"
+
+
+        DCCCXXII.--AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.
+
+"IS there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person
+who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know
+what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very
+well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to _take away all
+that_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXIII.--CHOICE SPIRITS.
+
+AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish
+papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale _which
+was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin_.
+
+
+        DCCCXXIV.--AN EXPLANATION.
+
+YOUNG, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of
+Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through
+which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field
+was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said
+Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field _to bury_ strangers
+in."
+
+
+        DCCCXXV.--IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.
+
+LORD ERSKINE having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and
+Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail,
+Sheridan at once presented her these lines,--
+
+    Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail,
+    Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"
+    And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,
+    Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.
+    But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,
+    A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;
+    And should dirt its original purity hide,
+    'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.
+
+
+        DCCCXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.
+
+A LEARNED judge being asked the difference between law and equity
+courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you
+are not so easily disposed of. One is _prussic acid_, and the other
+_laudanum_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXVII.--IMPROMPTU.
+
+COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BUSHE, being on one occasion asked
+which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The
+_prompter_, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least _of him_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXVIII.--NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.
+
+"WERE I but a _king_," said a country boy, "I would _eat_ my fill of fat
+bacon, and _swing_ upon a gate all day long."
+
+
+        DCCCXXIX.--A FORGETFUL MAN.
+
+    WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.
+      Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;
+    No wonder that he don't remember _me_;
+      Why so? you see he has forgot _himself_.
+
+
+        DCCCXXX.--REPUTATION.
+
+REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.
+
+
+        DCCCXXXI.--AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.
+
+IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss
+Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't _master_ her, so he _missed_
+her."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THE jolly members of a toping club
+    Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;
+    And in a close confederacy link
+    For nothing else, but only to hold drink.
+
+
+        DCCCXXXIII.--A BAD LOT.
+
+THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased,
+was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another
+that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty,
+considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was
+the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few _causes_, and therefore
+could not have many _effects_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXIV.--FILIAL AFFECTION.
+
+TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the
+pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the
+door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call _her a thief_ before she
+calls you one."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXV.--LEG WIT.
+
+ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was
+stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up,
+Erskine?"--"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"--"_His legs_,"
+answered the wit.
+
+
+        DCCCXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.
+
+    "THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,
+      Although he was hearty last night;
+    'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,
+      The poor fellow died of affright."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXVII.--A SINECURE.
+
+ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a
+place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him,
+were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of
+the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a
+_sinecure_ is: it's a place where there's _nothing to do_, and they _pay
+you by the piece_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXVIII.--A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.
+
+BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never
+hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be
+to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called
+upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates
+of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the
+Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he
+had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his
+assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to
+the man, for I understand he preached _a kirk toom_ (empty) already, and
+if he be as successful _in the jail_, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as
+weel."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXIX.--WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?
+
+THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts,
+and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of,
+"Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"--"Sir," replied the
+prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some
+beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will
+he _return_ do you think?"--"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly
+satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."--"_Then let business
+proceed_," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.
+
+
+        DCCCXL.--KNOWING BEST.
+
+"I WISH, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were
+St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me
+in."--"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better
+for you that I had the keys of the _other_ place, for then I could let
+_you out_."
+
+
+        DCCCXLI.--AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.
+
+THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy
+what was meant in the Catechism by _succoring_ his father and mother.
+"_Giving on 'em milk_," was the prompt reply.
+
+
+        DCCCXLII.--PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.
+
+IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was
+summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from
+the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost
+_nonchalance_ he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly
+observed, "that it was the _dirtiest_ house he had ever been in in his
+life."
+
+
+        DCCCXLIII.--A STOP WATCH.
+
+A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with
+great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of
+a friend who had _introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every
+Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality_.
+
+
+        DCCCXLIV.--SIR ANTHONY MALONE.
+
+LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his
+fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some
+years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his
+profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no
+person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that
+had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied
+to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no
+less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention
+of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself,
+that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive
+examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which
+he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year.
+Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to
+purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his
+principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript
+was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with
+it, which was regularly _charged to him by the clerk_. Sir Anthony then
+went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and
+never after that was possessed of a bad title.
+
+
+        DCCCXLV.--THE ORATORS.
+
+    TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;
+    Is there a day that asses do not speak?
+
+
+        DCCCXLVI.--MODERN ACTING.
+
+JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky
+voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,
+
+_Jerrold._--"Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey!"
+
+
+        DCCCXLVII.--FEW FRIENDS.
+
+A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at
+Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom
+he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going
+round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's
+hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck _one_ tin-penny out of your
+coach, and I'll answer it will trait _all your friends_ in Athlone."
+
+
+        DCCCXLVIII.--DIFFIDENCE.
+
+AN Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he
+was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have _heard
+the evidence_?"
+
+
+        DCCCXLIX.--"ESSAY ON MAN."
+
+    AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild;
+      At thirty, tame, if ever;
+    At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
+      At sixty, good, or never!
+
+
+        DCCCL.--IN-DOOR RELIEF.
+
+A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping
+but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O
+no, I belong to _another_ parish."
+
+
+        DCCCLI.--HIGHLAND POLITENESS.
+
+SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two
+proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met
+the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed
+between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch."
+To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."
+
+
+        DCCCLII.--AN ODD QUESTION.
+
+COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of
+whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to
+him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where _you buy_
+all your _dirty_ shirts."
+
+
+        DCCCLIII.--NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.
+
+FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B----, when, the weather
+being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in
+the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his
+chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B---- pressed him to stay. "No,
+no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me _have a
+leg to stand on_; for there is so _little wood_ in your house, that I am
+afraid one of your servants may light the fire with _my right leg_,"
+which was his wooden one.
+
+
+        DCCCLIV.--NATURAL GRIEF.
+
+ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so
+much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed
+tears."--"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without _paying_."
+
+
+        DCCCLV.--A PROVERB REVERSED.
+
+    EXAMPLE is better than precept they say,
+    With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;
+    For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches,
+    We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.
+
+
+        DCCCLVI.--A CLOSE ESCAPE.
+
+ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The
+Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course
+of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious
+circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war,
+along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were
+summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the
+conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death,
+as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his
+regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots,
+without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then
+bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put
+into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed,
+"I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in
+my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And
+what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"--"Why, I remember
+saying to him, when they left us, '_D---- it, old fellow, never mind_!'"
+But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from
+the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose,
+and the Captain was permitted to escape.
+
+
+        DCCCLVII.--A HARD HIT.
+
+MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I
+have _lost_ an eye."--"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray _at what
+game_?"
+
+
+        DCCCLVIII.--THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.
+
+SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he
+saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you
+mention his spit?" said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing _turns upon
+that_." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was
+Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and _Passion_ week in the
+parlor."
+
+
+        DCCCLIX.--MONEY'S WORTH.
+
+A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by
+writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it
+to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the
+bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the
+author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to _sell my life as dearly
+as possible_."
+
+
+        DCCCLX.--HIS WAY--OUT.
+
+SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in
+his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely
+rude, "Sir, _it is my way_."--"Then," returned his indignant patient,
+pointing to the door, "I beg you will _make that your way_!"
+
+
+        DCCCLXI.--A GROWL.
+
+    HE that's married once may be
+    Pardoned his infirmity.
+    He that marries twice is mad:
+    But, if you can find a fool
+    Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,--
+    Flog him, flog him back to school.
+
+
+        DCCCLXII.--A MODERN SCULPTOR.
+
+BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that
+chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of
+him,--he's a sculptor."--"Such a fellow as that a _sculptor_! surely you
+must be mistaken."--"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know
+that he _chiselled_ a tailor--out of a suit of clothes last week."
+
+
+        DCCCLXIII.--A DIFFICULT TASK.
+
+"YOU have only yourself to please," said a married friend to an old
+bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a _difficult_
+task I find it."
+
+
+        DCCCLXIV.--THE GOUTY SHOE.
+
+JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general
+conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library
+at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the
+pleasure-grounds:--
+
+"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"
+
+"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they
+are all out now."
+
+"Well, and what then?"
+
+"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have
+really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off
+being shown over the improvements."
+
+
+        DCCCLXV.--A LUSUS NATURÆ.
+
+AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls
+under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of
+butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid,
+"save the insinuation that some girls are _over_ twenty-one years of
+age."
+
+
+        DCCCLXVI.--A CASE OF NECESSITY.
+
+A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling
+off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you
+selling off?"--"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't
+they?"--"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"--"To be sure; would you
+have me _keep open_ on Sunday!"
+
+
+        DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.
+
+IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the
+assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for
+their generosity, and the love of their _species_. The collection
+happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had
+evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have
+been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.
+
+
+        DCCCLXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON.
+
+WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he
+told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that
+he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an
+equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than
+himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had
+fifty who _deserved hanging_.
+
+
+        DCCCLXIX.--THE POET FOILED.
+
+    TO win the maid the poet tries,
+    And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,
+    She likes a _verse_, but, cruel whim,
+    She still appears _a-verse_ to him.
+
+
+        DCCCLXX.--A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.
+
+A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his
+"trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his
+money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the
+attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much
+self-complacency,--"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how
+you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his
+serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "_The lawyers
+got that_!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The
+counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXI.--VICE VERSA.
+
+IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt.
+This cannot be; for instead of _contracting_ it at all, bad Ministers
+have most materially extended it.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXII.--NOTHING PERSONAL.
+
+AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was
+considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them
+a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M----, who was more
+celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny
+lasses!"--"With all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M----, "for it
+neither _applies_ to you nor me."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXIII.--A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.
+
+MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this
+manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one _more_."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXIV.--A MISTAKE.
+
+OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking.
+"Some puny things," he said, "have died of _learning_ to drink, but no
+man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he
+spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years
+treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXV.--AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.
+
+THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not
+satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why,
+sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our
+ain righteousness."--"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated
+the astonished doctor, "I never _saw any ye had to renounce_!"
+
+
+        DCCCLXXVI.--THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.
+
+AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young
+partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,--
+
+"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that
+very elderly lady!"
+
+"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXVII.--A PROUD HEART.
+
+MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in
+private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of
+tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of
+which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the
+implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with
+the new coal-sacks?"--"Made _pillows_ on 'em," replied the son.
+"Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take
+th' _ould_ ones?"
+
+
+        DCCCLXXVIII.--SENT HOME FREE.
+
+A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX,"
+concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four
+glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent _home
+gratis_ in a wheelbarrow, if required."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXIX.--CHARLES II. AND MILTON.
+
+CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him,
+and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your
+blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."--"If
+Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with
+_blindness_, what must have been the crimes of your father which it
+punished with _death_!"
+
+
+        DCCCLXXX.--WHOSE?
+
+SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon
+an empty stomach."--"_Upon whose_?" said he.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXI.--"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."
+
+IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of
+Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple
+of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of
+_capping_. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men
+begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were _freshmen_, and did
+not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship.
+"Only _eight_ days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop,
+"_puppies_ never see till they are _nine_ days old."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)
+
+    "THE independence of the Lords is gone,"
+    Says W----, to truth for once inclined;
+    And to believe his lordship I am prone,
+    Seeing that he himself is left behind.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXIII.--CONFIDENCE--TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.
+
+ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a
+successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness.
+"I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my
+pieces."--"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "_you_ are always certain of
+success. Your pieces have all been tried before."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXIV.--BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.
+
+A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and
+requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am
+surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know
+you."--"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for
+_those who do_, will not lend me a farthing."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXV.--WILL AND THE WAY.
+
+AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the
+senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the
+best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man
+who _makes his own will_."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXVI.--A REASONABLE EXCUSE.
+
+A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to
+return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend,
+"your acquaintances find it is much more easy to _retain_ the books
+themselves, than what is _contained_ in them."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXVII.--BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.
+
+WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's
+workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On
+discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg
+pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the
+honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly
+replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this
+Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were _I_ Duke of Northumberland,
+perhaps I could be."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXVIII.--SUMMARY DECISION.
+
+MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice
+Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a
+dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not
+been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded
+that the dogs should fight."--"Then I," replied the Judge, "_am minded_
+to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXIX.--A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.
+
+TO all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular
+form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to
+me, and beg to _subscribe_" (here the reader had to turn over leaf)
+"Myself, _your very obedient servant_," etc.
+
+
+        DCCCXC.--HABEAS CORPUS ACT.
+
+BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of
+that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says
+he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris
+were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive
+to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted
+him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed
+it, he went on with this misreckoning of _ten_; so it was reported to
+the House, and declared that they who were for the bill were the
+majority, and by this means the bill passed."
+
+
+        DCCCXCI.--A RUNAWAY KNOCK.
+
+DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had
+just recovered, said--"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door,
+I can assure you."
+
+
+        DCCCXCII.--COMMON POLITENESS.
+
+TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and
+wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was
+answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was
+the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he _left his name_ at
+my door in the morning."
+
+
+        DCCCXCIII.--THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
+
+JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah!
+poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the _Home Circuit_."
+
+
+        DCCCXCIV.--A SOPORIFIC.
+
+A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought
+nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular
+use he could have for a single pillow?"--"Why," said Foote, "I do not
+sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good
+nap, when the proprietor of it (though he _owed so much_) could sleep
+upon it."
+
+
+        DCCCXCV.--CHARITABLE WIT.
+
+WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman
+soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody
+expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he
+is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry five pounds. How much art
+thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may
+be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he _felt_
+very much, indeed, for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy
+pocket?" inquired the "Friend."
+
+
+        DCCCXCVI.--USE IS SECOND NATURE.
+
+A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his
+customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole
+half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he,
+"it is to _keep_ my hands in use, lest at any time I should _forget
+it_."
+
+
+        DCCCXCVII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)
+
+    HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill;
+    Dissect an ass before you try your skill.
+
+
+        DCCCXCVIII.--LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.
+
+USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally
+to _clinch the roots_.
+
+
+        DCCCXCIX.--AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.
+
+THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his
+portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?"
+inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist _not_ to make it _like you_,
+so they won't know it."
+
+
+        CM.--THE REBEL LORDS.
+
+AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp
+visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to
+turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"
+
+Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and
+asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off?
+"Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made
+amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."
+
+Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but _à la tête
+tranchée_." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop
+his handkerchief for the signal.
+
+
+        CMI.--A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.
+
+"HOW are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.
+
+"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you,"
+replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever _else_ you will, _you_ will be a
+gainer by the bargain."
+
+
+        CMII.--THE DIRECT ROAD.
+
+WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young
+gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the
+way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "_Keep on
+as you are_, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to _overtake
+them_."
+
+
+        CMIII.--A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.
+
+JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial
+spendthrift.
+
+"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do
+you think of my grays?"
+
+"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your
+duns!"
+
+
+        CMIV.--DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.
+
+WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very
+elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she
+is a prodigiously fine woman."--"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't
+you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by
+art?"--"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage _art_ does not adorn her:
+_nature adorns_ her there, and _art glorifies_ her."
+
+
+        CMV.--A GOOD NEIGHBOR.
+
+THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen
+bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he
+ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather,"
+said he, "have _friends_ than hares."
+
+
+        CMVI.--AN EQUIVOCATION.
+
+A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you
+have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"--"No,
+sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a
+pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were _little Else_."
+
+
+        CMVII.--A WISE FOOL.
+
+A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety
+of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish
+as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny,
+and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the _wee_ ane," he says, giving
+as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller,
+laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and
+some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller
+has _aye a gey fat sou_."--"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller.
+"Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's _expense_ she's fed."
+
+
+        CMVIII.--ON A BALD HEAD.
+
+    MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see;
+    I first cut _him_, he now cuts _me_.
+
+
+        CMIX.--LIE FOR LIE.
+
+TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one
+said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back,
+and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much
+of you."--"So you may, madam," said he, "and _lie_ as I _did_."
+
+
+        CMX.--A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.
+
+GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a
+handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a
+glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in
+creation."--"Why, general?"--"Because," replied Lee, "you are in love
+with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."
+
+
+        CMXI.--ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.
+
+    YOUR comedy I've read, my friend,
+      And like the _half_ you've pilfered best;
+    But, sure, the Drama you might mend;
+      Take courage, man, and _steal the rest_!
+
+
+        CMXII.--GARRICK AND FOOTE.
+
+"THE Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the
+comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green
+Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all,
+you are glad to take up with one of _my_ farces."--"Why, yes, David,"
+rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator
+for this hot weather."
+
+
+        CMXIII.--NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.
+
+WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing
+Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said
+the wit; "a joke in _your_ mouth is no laughing matter!"
+
+
+        CMXIV.--QUITE AGROUND.
+
+IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He
+certainly must be content with very _limited premises_.
+
+
+        CMXV.--A JUDGE IN A FOG.
+
+ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the
+construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the
+testator meant to keep a _life-interest_ in the estate to
+himself."--"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case
+I rather think your lordship _takes the will for the deed_."
+
+
+        CMXVI.--THE LETTER H.
+
+IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple
+aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that,
+if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him,
+by making him _ill_ (_Hill_ without _H_) all the days of his life.
+
+
+        CMXVII.--ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.
+
+SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the
+country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give.
+Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on
+account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him
+sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared
+up."--"Just a _little_, ma'am--enough for one, but not enough for two."
+
+
+        CMXVIII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."
+
+CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician
+observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty,
+he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been _practising_ all
+night."
+
+
+        CMXIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P.)
+
+    IF it's true a newly made M.P.
+    Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,
+      As the said landlord certainly alleges,
+    No more will Radicals and Whigs divide
+    Upon one point, which thus we may decide,
+      "Some members are too much disposed for pledges."
+
+
+        CMXX.--CUP AND SAUCER.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and
+remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of
+conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in
+question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so,"
+said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state
+of his saucers."
+
+
+        CMXXI.--A NEW READING.
+
+KEMBLE playing _Hamlet_ in the country, the gentleman who acted
+_Guildenstern_ was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician.
+_Hamlet_ asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"--"My lord, I
+cannot."--"I pray you."--"Believe me, I cannot."--"I do beseech
+you."--"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I
+can"; and to the confusion of _Hamlet_, and the great amusement of the
+audience, he played "God save the king!"
+
+
+        CMXXII.--CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.
+
+SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about _to stand_ at the ensuing
+elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them,
+for there are very few who can reasonably expect to _sit_.--G. A'B.
+
+
+        CMXXIII.--STRANGE VESPERS.
+
+A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a
+living?"--"No."--"How does he employ himself?"--"He says mass in the
+morning."--"And in the evening?"--"In the evening he _don't know what_
+he says."
+
+
+        CMXXIV.--A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.
+
+SIR B---- R----, in one of the debates on the question of the Union,
+made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it
+would change the _barren hills_ into _fruitful valleys_."
+
+
+        CMXXV.--AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.
+
+THE Duke of C--mb--l--d has taken from this country a thing which not one
+person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean
+_his departure_.--G. A'B.
+
+
+        CMXXVI.--ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.
+
+A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of
+a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near
+the _vertebra_?"--"No, no," said the other; "it was near the
+_racecourse_."
+
+
+        CMXXVII.--SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.
+
+WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter
+Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one
+striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used
+in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the
+room, and returned with the beautiful lines:--
+
+    "No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung;
+    Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.
+    Majestic silence," &c.
+
+
+        CMXXVIII.--THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.
+
+MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of
+discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of
+his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney.
+During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man
+whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He
+traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end
+without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about
+to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his
+labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her
+friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named
+Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed,
+does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been
+rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man
+with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and
+Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell
+into a _brown study_, in which she remained for some time. At length,
+however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her
+companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig!
+whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she
+added, "You should ha' ax'd for _Ould Blackbird_!"
+
+
+        CMXXIX.--A POSER.
+
+FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing
+away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his
+friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"--"You
+have not _tried me_ yet, sir," said Foote.
+
+
+        CMXXX.--MINDING HIS CUE.
+
+MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of _Richmond_; and having, during the
+evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to
+the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was
+personating _Lord Stanley_ (for the safety of whose son _Richmond_ is
+naturally anxious), THUS, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:--
+
+Elliston (as _Richmond_). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?
+
+Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester
+town_!
+
+Elliston (as _Richmond_). I mean--ah!--is he missing?
+
+Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester
+town_!!
+
+And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say
+that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at
+that particular moment, have been put to him.
+
+
+        CMXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On a little member's versatility.)
+
+    WHY little Neddy ---- yearns
+      To _rat_, there is a reason strong,
+    He needs be _everything by turns_,
+      Who is by nature _nothing long_.
+
+
+        CMXXXII.--LATE AND EARLY.
+
+THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes
+and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a
+superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very
+_late_ to the office."--"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must
+remember that I go away _early_." The oddness of the excuse silenced the
+reprover.
+
+
+        CMXXXIII.--FAIR PLAY.
+
+CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother
+counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both
+sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so
+little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without
+hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first
+fire."--"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any
+advantage, you shall _chalk_ my size upon _your body_, and all hits out
+of the ring shall go for nothing."
+
+
+        CMXXXIV.--SOMETHING LACKING.
+
+HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on
+a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "WARREN'S B----," was
+puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis _lacking_ that
+should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.
+
+
+        CMXXXV.--THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.
+
+    FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,
+    Who values herself on her family's blood:
+    Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+    From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk,
+    Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,
+    And keep a poor curate to do all his work,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+    From a justice of peace who forgives no offence,
+    But construes the law in its most rigid sense,
+    And still to bind over will find some pretence,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+    From dealing with great men and taking their word,
+    From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,
+    Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+    From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught,
+    From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,
+    From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+
+        CMXXXVI.--THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.
+
+A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of
+people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery.
+A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see
+the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery.
+"John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little
+dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride,
+cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,--"_Crockery_! bring down
+little _China_."
+
+
+        CMXXXVII.--MEN OF LETTERS.
+
+    A CORRESPONDENT, something new
+    Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.
+    The editor his letter read,
+    And begged he might be X.Q.Z.
+
+
+        CMXXXVIII.--ELEGANT RETORT.
+
+IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the
+undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the
+Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of
+this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had
+given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he
+might resign his office to another, a great _hissing_ was raised in
+disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made
+the following elegant retort:--
+
+    "_Laudatur ab his_."
+
+
+        CMXXXIX.--SNUG LYING.
+
+A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be
+buried in the churchyard _there_, because it was so healthy.
+
+
+        CMXL.--A PROPER ANSWER.
+
+A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty,
+"What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that _concern
+you_."
+
+
+        CMXLI.--GOOD HEARING.
+
+    I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,
+    I'm very glad to _hear it_, too, cries Ned.
+
+
+        CMXLII.--AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.
+
+GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a
+letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said
+Lady G----. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship,
+where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"
+
+
+        CMXLIII.--HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.
+
+COOKE was announced one evening to play the _Stranger_ at the Dublin
+Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were
+visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the
+audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his
+failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When
+the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder
+hut--yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and
+striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of
+mind. Still this was taken as the _chef-d'oeuvre_ of fine acting, and
+was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having
+cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in
+vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling,
+thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people--you know the
+value of money--a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is
+lost for ever. My son, too--pardon the feelings of a parent--my only
+son--as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain--not
+many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the
+defence of his King!" Here his feelings became so powerful that they
+choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he
+staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing
+the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed
+£1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but,
+too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as
+the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the
+business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor
+played the part.
+
+
+        CMXLIV.--THE SEASON-INGS.
+
+"COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four _seasons_ are." Young
+Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."
+
+
+        CMXLV.--NOT AT HOME.
+
+A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the
+churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded,
+he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially
+made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and
+after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a
+similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a
+tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation,
+referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye _a' up
+an' awa_?"
+
+
+        CMXLVI.--LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.
+
+ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers
+of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag,
+in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to
+lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the
+modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:--
+
+    "Happy and glorious"--
+    _Three half-pints_ 'mong _four_ of us,
+    _Heaven send no more of us_,
+                  God save the Queen!
+
+which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was received with a
+full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.
+
+
+        CMXLVII.--WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?
+
+    HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below,
+    Forbade a beard on woman's _chin_ to grow,
+    For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill)
+    Whose _tongue_ would never let her _chin_ be still!
+
+
+        CMXLVIII.--COOL RETORT.
+
+HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at
+Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping
+his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson
+took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir,
+was a _digression_: now for the argument."
+
+
+        CMXLIX.--LYING.
+
+DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but,
+like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.--D.J.
+
+
+        CML.--PERTINENT INQUIRY.
+
+A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him
+stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says
+the other: "Pray, sir, _did you_?"
+
+
+        CMLI.--A POLITE REBUKE.
+
+CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the
+driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much
+longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's
+ships."--"How's that, sir?"--"Why, _frozen at the pole_!"
+
+
+        CMLII.--A CERTAIN CROP.
+
+UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great
+preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field,
+where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were
+collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of
+opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot
+retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last
+cried out, "_Saw't wi' factors_, ma lord; they are sure to thrive
+everywhere."
+
+
+        CMLIII.--GOOD ADVICE.
+
+NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to
+the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.
+
+
+        CMLIV.--MR. THELWALL.
+
+WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high
+treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following
+note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead
+my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be
+hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "_I'll be
+hanged, then, if I do_."
+
+
+        CMLV.--CHEAP AT THE MONEY.
+
+A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who
+had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a
+shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury
+_one-and-twenty of them_."
+
+
+        CMLVI.--A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.
+
+A PERSON, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how
+many years it would take "_to pay_ a little debt of a hundred pounds!"
+
+
+        CMLVII.--A BACK-HANDED HIT.
+
+LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is
+_represented_. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult
+to the members who represent that wretched country."
+
+
+        CMLVIII.--THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.
+
+    IF by their names we things should call,
+      It surely would be _properer_,
+    To term a singing piece a bawl,
+      A dancing piece a _hopperer_!
+
+
+        CMLIX.--A FAVORITE AIR.
+
+ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical
+composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear
+it."--"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.
+
+
+        CMLX.--A GOOD JOKE.
+
+A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an
+acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have
+a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"--"With
+pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against
+_the next_." The joke settled the quarrel.
+
+
+        CMLXI.--ONE THING AT A TIME.
+
+A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying,
+"It was not hissed."--"True," said another; "no one can _hiss_ and
+_gape_ at the same time."
+
+
+        CMLXII.--TROPHIES.
+
+A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at
+Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many _trophies_ of Louis the
+Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had
+many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my
+master's victories are to be seen _everywhere_ but in his _own house_."
+
+
+        CMLXIII.--"BRIEF LET IT BE."
+
+WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer
+in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson
+observing: "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your life?
+Remember, yours is a _brief_ existence."
+
+
+        CMLXIV.--GOOD ADVICE.
+
+A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge,
+replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first
+sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."
+
+
+        CMLXV.--EXPECTORATION.
+
+WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even
+when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to
+civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of.
+No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.--S.S.
+
+
+        CMLXVI.--A COAT-OF-ARMS.
+
+    A GREAT pretender to gentility
+    Came to a herald for his pedigree:
+    The herald, knowing what he was, begun
+    To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done,
+    Told him he was a gentleman of note,
+    And that he had a very glorious coat.
+    "Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."
+    "Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees,
+    One couchant; and, to give it further scope,
+    A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.
+    And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,
+    There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."
+
+
+        CMLXVII.--DR. SIMS.
+
+A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of
+his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with
+great naiveté: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an
+_emetic_! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would _not stay_ on my
+stomach either time."
+
+
+        CMLXVIII.--MARRIAGE.
+
+IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the
+enemy.
+
+
+        CMLXIX.--BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.
+
+POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the
+young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"
+
+
+        CMLXX.--INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.
+
+A SPENDTHRIFT said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the
+world; now see where I am through my own exertions."--"Well, where are
+you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now _owe more_ than a thousand
+pounds!"
+
+
+        CMLXXI.--QUANTUM SUFF.
+
+IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost
+unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady
+mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady
+dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The
+party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find
+her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her
+mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither _het nor cauld_."
+
+
+        CMLXXII.--LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.
+
+A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had
+enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the
+Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort
+of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked
+at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,--you turned it
+all into _cheese_ several years ago!"
+
+
+        CMLXXIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.
+
+"ARE you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a
+prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are _you_ put
+there for but to find that out?"
+
+
+        CMLXXIV.--ACCOMMODATING.
+
+A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said,
+"You speak foolishly." He answered, "_It is that you may understand
+me_."
+
+
+        CMLXXV.--GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.
+
+    FRANK, who will any friend supply,
+    Lent me ten guineas.--"Come," said I,
+    "Give me a pen, it is but fair
+    You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there;
+    Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;--
+    No need to waste my paper too."
+
+
+        CMLXXVI.--ODD REASON.
+
+A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he
+was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the _great regard_
+we have for each other."
+
+
+        CMLXXVII.--VERY EVIDENT.
+
+GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a
+board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "A
+GOES KOORED HEAR."--"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people
+as these can cure agues?"--"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their
+prescription is,--but _it is not by a spell_."
+
+
+        CMLXXVIII.--OMINOUS, VERY!
+
+A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly
+gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X----
+in?"--"Don't live here," says P----, who was in full scribble over some
+important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his
+office."--"Next door."--"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many
+patients?"--"_Not living_!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in
+the vicinity.
+
+
+        CMLXXIX.--A REVERSE.
+
+AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house
+he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned _topsy-turvy_, I'd be
+livin' on the first flure."
+
+
+        CMLXXX.--ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE
+        OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.
+
+    HIS degradation is complete,
+      His name with loss of honor branding:
+    When he resolved to win his seat
+      He literally lost his standing.
+
+
+        CMLXXXI.--MUSICAL TASTE.
+
+A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music,
+being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it
+being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W----,
+did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I
+would subscribe too."
+
+
+        CMLXXXII.--LINGUAL INFECTION.
+
+A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was
+observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out
+as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could
+be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such
+an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying _to catch_ the English accent."
+
+
+        CMLXXXIII.--PORSON _versus_ DR. JOWETT.
+
+DR. JOWETT, who was a _small_ man, was permitted by the head of his
+college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some
+_jeux d'esprit_ among the wags of the University, which induced him to
+alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the
+following extemporaneous lines:--
+
+    A _little_ garden _little_ Jowett made,
+    And fenced it with a _little_ palisade;
+    Because this garden made a _little_ talk,
+    He changed it to a _little_ gravel walk;
+    And now, if more you'd know of _little_ Jowett,
+    A _little_ time, it will a _little_ show it.
+
+
+        CMLXXXIV.--BREVITY OF CHARITY.
+
+BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues.
+Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without
+the other.
+
+
+        CMLXXXV.--HIGH GAMING.
+
+BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an _odd trick_; on which
+his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room.
+The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he
+should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play _so high_ again as long as
+you live."
+
+
+        CMLXXXVI.--HARD OF DIGESTION.
+
+QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could
+offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the
+coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural
+curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this
+bird has one very remarkable property--he will swallow iron?"--"Then
+very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the _key_ of your
+_wine-cellar_!"
+
+
+        CMLXXXVII.--A MONSTER.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH said that "the Court of Chancery was like a
+boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in
+haste, and digested them at leisure."
+
+
+        CMLXXXVIII.--SAILOR'S WEDDING.
+
+A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but
+at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between
+them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the
+sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as _far
+as it will go_."
+
+
+        CMLXXXIX.--QUID PRO QUO.
+
+SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each
+other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"--"That's a
+sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours _ring_?" said Smith. "No,"
+said Brown. "That's a sign it's _cracked_," replied his friend.
+
+
+        CMXC.--THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.
+
+ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of ----
+approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in
+before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out
+to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing
+the passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of ----," and
+then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read
+the line, "Nor stand _in sinners' way_."
+
+
+        CMXCI.--ENCOURAGEMENT.
+
+A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The
+unfortunate client who appears by me--" and then he came to a full stop;
+beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the
+remark, "My unfortunate client--." He did not find his fluency of speech
+quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his
+softest tone, "Pray go on, so far the court is quite _with you_."
+
+
+        CMXCII.--FALSE ESTIMATE.
+
+KEAN once played _Young Norval_ to Mrs. Siddons's _Lady Randolph_: after
+the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting
+him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's
+a pity,--but there's _too little_ of you to do anything."
+
+Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies
+from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the
+infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often
+unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes
+of lightning. I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play
+_Othello_."
+
+
+        CMXCIII.--AMERICAN PENANCE.
+
+AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last
+creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian
+Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript
+Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate
+me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the
+transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his
+opponents.--S.S.
+
+
+        CMXCIV.--A MONEY-LENDER.
+
+THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you
+half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always
+poison at hand for a remedy.--D.J.
+
+
+        CMXCV.--A BAD MEDIUM.
+
+A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said
+to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said?
+I am not skilled in any of the _dead_ languages."
+
+
+        CMXCVI.--TAKING A HINT.
+
+    THE Bishop preached: "My friends," said he,
+    "How sweet a thing is charity,
+    The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"
+    "It is, indeed," sighed miser B.,
+    "And instantly I'll go and--ask it."
+
+
+        CMXCVII.--SWEARING THE PEACE.
+
+AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded
+his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of
+his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest
+son Larry, for he _never struck him when he was down_!"
+
+
+        CMXCVIII.--THE RULING PASSION.
+
+THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a
+_baker_ at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote,
+who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as
+appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended
+the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely
+paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town,
+Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment
+to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at
+the same time, "I have just seen him _shoved_ into the _family oven_."
+
+
+        CMXCIX.--A SANITARY AIR.
+
+THE air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as
+far,--it must, for it's ten times as thick.--D.J.
+
+
+        M.--GRAFTING.
+
+VERY dry and pithy too was a legal _opinion_ given to a claimant of the
+Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious
+forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a
+peer, but it would be a peer o' anither _tree_!
+
+
+        MI.--A SHORT CREED.
+
+A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would
+believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then
+young man, _your creed_ will be the shortest of any man's I know."
+
+
+        MII.--IN THE DARK.
+
+A SCOTCH lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked
+with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the _puir whales_?" deeming
+their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.
+
+
+        MIII.--NOT TO BE TEMPTED.
+
+"COME down, this instant," said the boatswain to a mischievous son of
+Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll
+give you a good dozen, you rascal!"--"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down
+if you'd give me _two dozen_!"
+
+
+        MIV.--QUITE POETICAL.
+
+HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his
+Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by
+the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after
+the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him
+on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of
+the _Last Ministry_!"
+
+
+        MV.--CORPORATION POLITENESS.
+
+    AS a west-country mayor, with formal address,
+    Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,
+    "The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen,
+    Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,
+    But your majesty's courage soon made it appear
+    That his Donship had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."
+
+
+        MVI.--A COMMON WANT.
+
+IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the
+matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited
+disputants, he began:--
+
+"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense--"
+
+"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you _do_ want!"
+
+The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.
+
+
+        MVII.--LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.
+
+THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was
+remarkable for what is called a "comfortable assurance." Dining in a
+party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box,
+belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that
+"It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."--"Yes, Mr.
+Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any _freedom_ but yours."
+
+
+        MVIII.--HENRY ERSKINE.
+
+MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being
+presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow,
+slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the
+sight of his _bear_.
+
+
+        MIX.--EPITAPH ON A MISER.
+
+    READER, beware immoderate love of pelf,
+    Here lies the worst of thieves,--who robbed himself.
+
+
+        MX.--SMART REPLY.
+
+SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to
+her, "Good morning, mother of asses."--"Good morning, my child," was the
+reply.
+
+
+        MXI.--CALUMNY.
+
+GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous _bon-vivant_, "They
+tell me, Sir John, you love a _glass_ of wine."--"Those, sire, who have
+so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me
+great injustice; they should have said,--_a bottle_!"
+
+
+        MXII.--LOVE.
+
+THEY say love's like the measles,--all the worse when it comes late in
+life.--D.J.
+
+
+        MXIII.--ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.
+
+A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you _change_
+countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, _let
+him_!"
+
+
+        MXIV.--TOO FAST.
+
+TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in
+despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"--"Are you?" said the other
+joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and _undo me_."
+
+
+        MXV.--A REVERSE JOKE.
+
+A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he
+stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he
+had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? "So I
+should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his _tail_!"
+
+
+        MXVI.--A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.
+
+THE subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823,
+was _Australasia_ (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of
+conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they
+thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a
+_transporting_ one."
+
+
+        MXVII.--HARD-WARE.
+
+A FEW years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed
+at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,--
+
+    Such notes, as warbled to the string,
+    Drew _iron tears_ down Pluto's cheek.
+
+The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably
+delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything _in
+iron_ before that could not be made at Birmingham.
+
+
+        MXVIII.--PAINTING AND MEDICINE.
+
+A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned
+respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are
+_exposed_ to view; but in medicine, they are _buried_ with the patient."
+
+
+        MXIX.--DOGMATISM
+
+IS pupyism come to its full growth.--D.J.
+
+
+        MXX.--SALAD.
+
+    TO make this condiment your poet begs
+    The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;
+    Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
+    Smoothness and softness to the salad give;
+    Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
+    And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
+    Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
+    Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;
+    But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,
+    To add a double quantity of salt.
+    And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss
+    A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.
+    O green and glorious!--O herbaceous treat!
+    'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat;
+    Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,
+    And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!
+    Serenely full, the epicure would say,
+    "Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"
+
+
+        MXXI.--ACTOR.
+
+A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged
+to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty
+pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A
+comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with
+wounds, is content with half that sum."--"What!" replied the actor; "and
+do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to _say so_?"
+
+
+        MXXII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THAT Lord ---- owes nothing, one safely may say,
+    For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.
+
+
+        MXXIII.--CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.
+
+"I RISE for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am
+very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man _wants_ it more."
+
+
+        MXXIV.--CARROTS CLASSICALLY CONSIDERED.
+
+    WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know
+      (I note it here in charity),
+    Had taste in beauty, and with them
+      The Graces were all [Greek: Charitai]!
+
+
+        MXXV.--DOING HOMAGE.
+
+RETURNING from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into
+conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him
+side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and
+watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered
+something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying
+to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been
+unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought
+to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your
+Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened
+to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a
+very high-spirited horse, so that if anything _goes off_ we must _all go
+off together_!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.
+
+
+        MXXVI.--SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.
+
+A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,--"I can
+furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two
+volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them
+once to Blanco White, and before the third page--_he was fast asleep_!"
+
+
+        MXXVII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On ----'s ponderous speeches.)
+
+    THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,
+      The House would most willingly spare them;
+    For it finds they possess such remarkable _weight_,
+      That it's really a trouble to _bear them_.
+
+
+        MXXVIII.--GOOD AT A PINCH.
+
+A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks,
+having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets,
+snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging
+from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon
+failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which unwillingly
+abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst
+the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of
+the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the
+snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became
+back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the
+minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that
+he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new
+idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae."
+The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and
+then said, "Whaur did you get it?"--"_I soupit[B] the poupit_," was
+John's expressive reply. The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath
+snuff now came into good use.
+
+[B] Swept.
+
+
+        MXXIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the
+principles he has always professed.)
+
+    SURE in the House he'll do but little good
+    Who lets "_I dare not, wait upon_ I WOOD (I would)."
+
+
+        MXXX.--WILKES'S READY REPLY.
+
+LUTTREL and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes
+asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools
+or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll
+tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But,
+perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't
+mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"--"Why (the
+answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."--"How so?"--"I
+should merely say it was a _fabrication_, and they would _destroy you_
+in the twinkling of an eye!"
+
+
+        MXXXI.--TOO GRATEFUL.
+
+AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
+thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor,
+I've no way _here_ to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you _knocked
+down in me own parish_,--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"
+
+
+        MXXXII.--THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.
+
+    SAY, why erroneous vent your spite?
+      Your censure, friends, will _raise_ us;
+    If you do wish to damn us quite,
+      Only begin to _praise_ us!
+
+
+        MXXXIII.--ODD HOUSEKEEPING.
+
+MRS. MONTGOMERY was the only--the motherless--daughter of the stern
+General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of housekeeper,
+and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the articles purchased,
+and their prices, she put the "cart before the horse." Her gruff papa
+never lectured her verbally, but wrote his remarks on the margin of the
+paper, and returned it for correction. One such instance was as follows:
+"General Campbell thinks five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for
+parsley." Henrietta instantly saw her mistake; but, instead of formally
+rectifying it, wrote against the next item,--"Miss Campbell thinks
+_twopence-halfpenny_ excessively _cheap for fowls_"; and sent it back to
+her father.
+
+
+        MXXXIV.--TELLING ONE'S AGE.
+
+A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near
+thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret
+at it, madam; for you will get _further_ from that frightful epoch every
+day."
+
+
+        MXXXV.--POT VALIANT.
+
+PROVISIONS have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is
+generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English
+physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a
+coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that
+he said he always employed his troops _before their dinner had
+digested_.
+
+
+        MXXXVI.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His
+clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady,
+he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they
+used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful,
+added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, _Mare Pacificum_." A curate,
+who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was
+_Mare Mortuum_ first."
+
+
+        MXXXVII.--A BAD PREACHER.
+
+A CLERGYMAN, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to
+_hear him preach_. He answered, "I am afraid of _disturbing your
+solitude_."
+
+
+        MXXXVIII.--ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.
+
+    SO well deserved is Rogers' fame,
+    That friends, who hear him most, advise
+    The egotist to change his name
+    To "Argus," with his hundred I's!
+
+
+        MXXXIX.--A POSER.
+
+IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his
+client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my
+lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The
+Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you _lie_ on both
+sides, whom will you have me believe?"
+
+
+        MXL.--A QUIET DOSE.
+
+A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health _gratis_, asked
+a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll
+tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take _advice_."
+
+
+        MXLI.--THE DANCING PRELATES.
+
+    SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance,
+    The early bishops used to join the dance,
+    And winding, turning ----s shows us yet,
+    That Bishops still know how to pirouette.
+
+
+        MXLII.--AURICULAR CONFESSION.
+
+A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering
+the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."--"Stop; are
+you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.--"Yes, of one ear."--"Then you may
+leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear _both
+sides_."
+
+
+        MXLIII.--A DRY FELLOW.
+
+"WELL, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter
+finishing his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had
+been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but
+gin anybody asks if I got a dram _after 't_, what will I say?"
+
+
+        MAXILLA.--GOOD EVIDENCE.
+
+"DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.
+
+"Yes, your honor," was the reply.
+
+"On what _ground_ did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned
+counsel.
+
+"_In the back-yard_," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.
+
+
+        AXLE.--EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.
+
+    POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,
+    Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;
+    For twenty years he did the duties well,
+    Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.
+    But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs
+    To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.
+    The church clock struck _one_--alas! 'twas Peter's knell,
+    Who sighed, "I'm coming--that's the ostler's bell!"
+
+
+        MXLVI.--QUIN AND THE PARSON.
+
+A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner,
+entertained them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his
+parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin,
+being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair
+of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,--"So, so, doctor, I
+think you do keep your _glebe_ in your own hands with a witness!"
+
+
+        MXLVII.--NATURAL ANTIPATHY.
+
+FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked,
+"Why he hated that nation so much."--"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I
+don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have
+everything keep to its _native element_."
+
+
+        MXLVIII.--NOT NECESSARY.
+
+"YOU flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady
+who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake,
+ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that _monkey any flatter_
+than he is!"
+
+
+        MXLIX.--ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.
+
+STERNE, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of
+treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine
+sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The
+husband," said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves unkindly to his
+wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."--"If you think
+so," replied Garrick, "I hope _your_ house is insured."
+
+
+        ML.--CROMWELL.
+
+ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in
+the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:--
+
+    "The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring,
+    Is the name of the man that murdered the king."
+
+
+        MLI.--BILL PAID IN FULL.
+
+AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker,
+in his robes of office. The active part he took to forward the bill to
+settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a _scroll_
+painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George
+the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the _Tower_, and this
+circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he
+wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which
+Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "THIS BILL PAID IN
+FULL."
+
+
+        MLII.--WOMEN.
+
+AT no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the
+society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our
+mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in
+all ages our friends."
+
+A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a
+woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to _point_ out the hours, and
+a woman to make us _forget_ them."
+
+
+        MLIII.--THE DEVIL'S OWN.
+
+AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were
+defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through.
+This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, "that the lawyers always
+went through _thick_ and _thin_."
+
+
+        MLIV.--WHIST-PLAYING.
+
+CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more
+clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if
+_dirt_ were trumps, what _hands_ you would hold!"
+
+
+        MLV.--A CRUEL CASE.
+
+POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art,
+received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the
+simplicity of the intended fare--a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of
+beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I
+will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and eat he did,
+till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a
+haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at
+trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way
+to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years'
+standing, and to be _served in this manner_!"
+
+
+        MLVI.--ON SHELLEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."
+
+    SHELLEY styles his new poem, "_Prometheus Unbound_,"
+    And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;
+    For surely an age would be spent in the finding
+    A reader so weak as to _pay for the binding_.
+
+
+        MLVII.--WRITING TREASON.
+
+HORNE TOOKE, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much
+treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged,
+replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was
+_trying_."
+
+
+        MLVIII.--A GRACEFUL ILLUSTRATION.
+
+THE resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its
+aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding
+evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous
+emotions.--S.S.
+
+
+        MLIX.--IMPROMPTU.
+
+_On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac
+Sycophant._
+
+    SOME envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,
+    Because the character was drawn too true;
+    It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"
+    That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.
+
+
+        MLX.--IN THE BACKGROUND.
+
+AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent
+him _standing behind a tree_.
+
+
+        MLXI.--IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.
+
+A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate
+herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath
+than _marry_. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should
+find a _husband_ at the bottom."
+
+
+        MLXII.--THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.
+
+A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain,
+wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you
+want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."--"I
+can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,--that
+makes two. Now, here's the _third_," and he threw it overboard.
+
+
+        MLXIII.--THE REASON WHY.
+
+FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's
+houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why,"
+said he, "the _first_ know what they want, but the _latter_ do not."
+
+
+        MLXIV.--PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.
+
+WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same
+play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the
+mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into
+the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let me get into the chair, and put
+little Davy into the lantern."--"By all means," rejoined Garrick, "I
+shall ever be happy _to enlighten_ Mr. Quin in anything."
+
+
+        MLXV.--BARK AND BITE.
+
+LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a
+Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned
+himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on,
+Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the
+rejoinder; "I really thought your lordship was employed in
+_consultation_."
+
+
+        MLXVI.--A PRESSING REASON.
+
+A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy
+tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that
+time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did
+you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running
+away?"--"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that _he
+was_."
+
+
+        MLXVII.--SMALL WIT.
+
+SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a
+delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish
+towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped
+himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at
+the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "_which_ is the pudding?"
+
+
+        MLXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING
+CHAPEL.
+
+    TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught:
+    Oh could I do but either as I ought!
+    In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,--
+    I pray too little, and I fast too much.
+
+
+        MLXIX.--MAKING PROGRESS.
+
+A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of
+medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as
+physician, for I think I am now able to _cure a child_."
+
+
+        MLXX.--THE WOOLSACK.
+
+COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor,
+amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand
+head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has
+still an eye to the woolsack."
+
+
+        MLXXI.--SIR THOMAS COULSON.
+
+SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury
+Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where
+the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "_ingens_ cui
+lumen adeptum."
+
+
+        MLXXII.--THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!
+
+WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription
+for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if
+he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I
+had I should have broken my neck for I _threw it_ out of a
+two-pair-of-stairs window."
+
+
+        MLXXIII.--MOTHERLY REMARK.
+
+SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper.
+When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in
+India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed,
+"Heaven pity the man _that's tied_ to my Davy!"
+
+
+        MLXXIV.--TOO GOOD.
+
+A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a
+man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking
+all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear
+sir, you _deserve_ to be ill."
+
+
+        MLXXV.--A BALANCE.
+
+"PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a
+village attorney. "For what?"--"For the opinion you had of me."--"Faith,
+I _never_ had any _opinion_ of you in all my life."
+
+
+        MLXXVI.--MONEY'S WORTH.
+
+WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising
+agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one
+of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that
+work."--"Why, no, master," was the reply, "_seven shillings_ a week
+isn't _sweating_ wages."
+
+
+        MLXXVII.--ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.
+
+    STRANGE is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully
+    Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.
+    The etymological cause, I suppose, is
+    His breaking the bridges of so many noses.
+
+
+        MLXXVIII.--WRITING FOR THE STAGE.
+
+PEOPLE would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash
+which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very
+first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for
+representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a
+nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic
+description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the
+hero of the drama declaimed from the _main-mast_ of a man-of-war,
+without once descending from his position!
+
+A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in _thirty_ acts.
+The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have
+five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a
+week.
+
+
+        MLXXIX.--A COMPARISON.
+
+"AN attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an
+apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer
+does not deal in _scruples_."
+
+
+        MLXXX.--GAMBLING.
+
+I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me
+like the funeral bell of a whole family.--D.J.
+
+
+        MLXXXI.--SWEEPS.
+
+WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a
+climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's
+office!
+
+
+        MLXXXII.--SELF-CONCEIT.
+
+    HAIL, charming power of self-opinion!
+    For none are slaves in thy dominion;
+    Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,
+    The _vain_ have only _one_ to please.
+
+
+        MLXXXIII.--JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.
+
+FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear
+affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to
+attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in
+Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought
+he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the
+party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes
+before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to
+him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down
+without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the
+pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour.
+As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding
+none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my
+Lord, I am engaged to _dine_ at the next house--and--and----"--"And,
+sir, you thought you might as well _save_ your own dinner by _spoiling_
+mine?"--"Exactly so, my Lord; but----"--"Sir, I wish you a good
+evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was
+more frightened.
+
+
+        MLXXXIV.--A GOOD INVESTMENT.
+
+AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: "_To be
+sold_, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney
+retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."
+
+
+        MLXXXV.--THE AGED YOUNG LADY.
+
+AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said
+that she was but _forty_ years old. A student who sat near observed,
+that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the
+last _ten years_.
+
+
+        MLXXXVI--KEEPING TIME.
+
+A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he
+should stir the fire without interrupting the music."--"_Between the
+bars_," replied the friend.
+
+
+        MLXXXVII.--ENTERING THE LISTS.
+
+THE Duke of B----, who was to have been one of the knights of the
+Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse
+himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could
+I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"--"It
+will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your
+_list_ shoes."
+
+
+        MLXXXVIII.--NOT IMPORTUNATE.
+
+MRS. ROBISON (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy)
+having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had
+accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."--"Weel, weel," said
+Mrs. Robison, "if ye're _dead_ I'll no' expect ye."
+
+
+        MLXXXIX.--WITTY COWARD.
+
+A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he
+never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile
+it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?"--"Pooh!"
+replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes
+behind my back."
+
+
+        MXC.--PRIORITY.
+
+AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his _young_ master for
+his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me,
+Maister Jeems, _I hae been langer about the place than yersel'_."
+
+
+        MXCI.--SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?
+
+A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a
+proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the
+proposition with the dry remark, "I never big dykes till the _tenants_
+complain."
+
+
+        MXCII.--CHARACTERISTICS.
+
+THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One
+extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a
+friend with,--"It is a very cold morning, doctor."--"I don't know that,"
+was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with
+_snow_. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The
+doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and
+interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the
+annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated
+next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much,
+as many of the party did not understand it."--"And _you are one_ of
+them," observed the learned bear.
+
+
+        MXCIII.--AN ERROR CORRECTED.
+
+JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of
+his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his
+disappointment.
+
+_Friend_ (to Jerrold).--I hear you said ---- was the worst book I ever
+wrote.
+
+_Jerrold._--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever
+wrote.
+
+
+        MXCIV.--A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.
+
+    W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover
+      The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.
+    But hold! _Extremes will meet_: the marvel's over;
+      His very _dulness_ is the _extreme_ of wit.
+
+
+        MXCV.--BRAHAM AND KENNEY.
+
+THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was
+passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at
+the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of
+manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He
+replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I
+really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On
+asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham
+say, as he entered, 'I am really _proud_ of my pit to-night,' I went and
+counted it, and there were but _seventeen_ people in it."
+
+
+        MXCVI.--HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.
+
+    "I WOULD," says Fox, "a tax devise
+      That shall not fall on me."
+    "Then tax _receipts_," Lord North replies,
+      "For those you _never_ see."
+
+
+        MXCVII.--A BED OF--WHERE?
+
+A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and
+spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very
+proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion,
+and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well,
+sir; but, indeed, I thought _I'd lost_ the minister a' thegither."
+
+
+        MXCVIII.--ENVY.
+
+A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by
+the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is
+dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied
+another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, _I
+wish I had just half his disease_!"--in other words, a moiety of the
+whiskey he had drunk.
+
+
+        MXCIX.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.
+
+"I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her
+boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little
+_upon it_."
+
+
+        MC.--MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.
+
+A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as
+you see him; but he's an _honest_ beast." The purchaser took him home.
+In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and
+his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the
+laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast;
+many a time has he _threatened_ to come down with me, and I kenned he
+would _keep his word_ some day."
+
+
+        MCI.--"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."
+
+MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by
+many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech,
+but when he used _bad_ words he could talk fluently. In one of his
+solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road.
+"Tu--u--rn," says Neville, "to--to--to--" and so on for a minute or two;
+at last he burst out, "_Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can
+tell you_!"
+
+
+        MCII.--ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.
+
+    TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born,
+    The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;
+    Though the other had talents the world to adorn,
+    _This_ lives by his _mews_, which the other could not!
+
+
+        MCIII.--A LONG RESIDENCE.
+
+THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a
+splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man
+of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as
+Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye
+to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer
+countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht _o'
+leavin' yet_."
+
+
+        MCIV.--SPARE THE ROD.
+
+A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied,
+"If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the _Italian
+system_--the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."
+
+
+        MCV.--POLITICAL SINECURE.
+
+CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to
+his heart, and declared that he was the trusty _guardian_ of his own
+honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on
+the snug little _sinecure_ he had discovered for himself.
+
+
+        MCVI.--EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAÎTRE PHYSICIAN.
+
+    WHEN Pennington for female ills indites,
+    Studying alone not what, but how he writes,
+    The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,
+    Cry, with ill-omened rapture,--"_Killing man_!"
+
+
+        MCVII.--DAMPED ARDOR.
+
+JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London,
+discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy
+shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many
+years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of
+us."
+
+
+        MCVIII.--ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.
+
+IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his
+native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George
+IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the
+leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed
+Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to
+ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these
+distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going
+direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission,
+Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and
+_I will talk over the business with_ HIS MAJESTY."
+
+
+        MCIX.--TRUTH AND FICTION.
+
+A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his
+servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he
+observed, that there was no great matter in it,--"For," says he, "we
+ran, and they ran _after us_."
+
+
+        MCX.--A REASONABLE REFUSAL.
+
+AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some
+of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and
+solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King.
+"Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never
+could raise a man _for mysel_, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King
+George."
+
+
+        MCXI.--LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.
+
+A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord
+North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in
+a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the
+Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter
+only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other
+criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their
+fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair,
+and taught to repeat the cry of "_Infamous coalition_!" Lord North
+coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to
+them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the
+starling might well perform his office _by deputy_.
+
+
+        MCXII.--INCAPACITY.
+
+A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "_I_ would
+permit you," answered the prelate; "but _nature_ will not."
+
+
+        MCXIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)
+
+    TO wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak;
+    Is there a night that asses do not speak?
+
+
+        MCXIV.--VALUE OF NOTHING.
+
+PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting
+him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking,
+and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His
+friend answered, "Yes!"--"And what may it be?" asked Porson.
+"_Sixpence_!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the
+note."
+
+
+        MCXV.--THE RIGHT ORGAN.
+
+SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the
+organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The _barrel_-organ,"
+interrupted an auditor.
+
+
+        MCXVI.--MIND YOUR POINTS.
+
+A WRITER, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite
+passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing _a bolster full of rage and
+jealousy_, smothers her."
+
+
+        MCXVII.--REASONS FOR DRINKING.
+
+DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for
+drinking:--
+
+    "Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
+    Or lest you should be by and by,
+    Or any other reason why."
+
+
+        MCXVIII.--NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.
+
+AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house
+of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer
+ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock;
+may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"--"I
+don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white
+sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be
+_fleeced_."
+
+
+        MCXIX.--AN ODD OCCURRENCE.
+
+AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little
+absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have
+been _more_ women than men married this year."
+
+
+        MCXX.--A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.
+
+A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make
+some English verses, and seeing he put _teeth_ to rhyme with _feet_,
+told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles
+answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore
+this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that
+evasion, for that will make you an _owl_."
+
+
+        MCXXI.--NOSCE TE IPSUM.
+
+SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of
+Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the
+debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished
+to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed
+he, with great emphasis--"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a
+more _knavish fool_ than he?"--"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the
+troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the
+prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.
+
+
+        MCXXII.--VERA CANNIE.
+
+A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the
+plea, "_Marry_ for love, and _work_ for siller," replied, "It's a' vera
+true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D]
+breakfast."
+
+[C] Tinnie, the small porringer of children.
+
+[D] Insipid.
+
+
+        MCXXIII.--TIMELY AID.
+
+A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for
+alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound
+sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my
+present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit
+some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a
+shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam,"
+said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been _begging_ all
+day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to
+_work_!"
+
+
+        MCXXIV.--WHIST.
+
+MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named
+Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a
+deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on
+the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life,
+and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment
+he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "_What is trumps_?"
+
+
+        MCXXV.--HENRY ERSKINE.
+
+THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a
+barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences.
+Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the
+former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer,
+"I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to
+a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the
+first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a
+slight extravasation of blood."--"You may thank your lucky stars,"
+replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's _gate_ was not as _lofty_ as
+your _style_, or you must have broken your neck."
+
+
+        MCXXVI.--THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.
+
+    THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust,
+    Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.
+
+
+        MCXXVII.--TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.
+
+TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time
+the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still
+resembled only the "effigy of a man,"--said the stout gentleman, "Why,
+Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you
+last."--"And you," replied the other, "look as if you _had been at
+dinner ever since_."
+
+
+        MCXXVIII.--SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.
+
+AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood,
+who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can
+your mag t-t-talk yet?"--"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than _you_, or
+I'd wring his _head off_."
+
+
+        MCXXIX.--AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.
+
+THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one
+killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body
+they _found the chaplain_ of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr.
+----, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was
+discovered in this very inconvenient situation.
+
+
+        MCXXX.--CONSTANCY.
+
+CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the
+Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not _change_
+either till he comes back."
+
+
+        MCXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)
+
+    WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear
+      So lengthily his subject to pursue,
+    That listeners (out of patience) often fear
+      He has indeed _eternity in view_.
+
+
+        MCXXXII.--SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.
+
+MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The
+moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this,
+we would mention that the day before he _lost a Newfoundland dog_, that
+weighed sixty-eight pounds.
+
+
+        MCXXXIII.--BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.
+
+ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a
+duel in a _darkened room_. The Englishman, unwilling to take his
+antagonist's life, generously fired up the chimney, and--_brought down
+the Frenchman_. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the
+relator, "I make the _Englishman_ go up the chimney."
+
+
+        MCXXXIV.--A PERFECT BORE.
+
+SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was
+not "a _little_ tiresome?"--"Not at all," said he, "she was _perfectly_
+tiresome."
+
+
+        MCXXXV.--TOO CIVIL BY HALF.
+
+AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the
+close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of
+the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one
+of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "_I
+really beg his pardon_,--bring him in."
+
+
+        MCXXXVI.--"OUR LANDLADY."
+
+A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin,
+would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion:
+"Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off
+started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it _half_ a
+quartern _loaf_, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got
+across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard:
+"Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it _all gin_."
+
+
+        MCXXXVII.--THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.
+
+DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church,
+which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more
+convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct
+road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out
+of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the
+bridge."--"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church _in_ the
+way, that the people may not _go out of the way_."
+
+
+        MCXXXVIII.--SAVING TIME.
+
+A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a
+long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said,
+"Electors of G----, all that he has _said_ I will _do_."
+
+
+        MCXXXIX.--THE YOUNG IDEA.
+
+SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come,
+now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You
+won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell
+you. I didn't come here to _teach you_,--but for you to _teach me_."
+
+
+        MCXL.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    TWO Harveys had a mutual wish
+      To please in different stations;
+    For one excelled in _Sauce for Fish_,
+      And one in _Meditations_.
+    Each had its pungent power applied
+      To aid the dead and dying;
+    _This_ relishes a _sole_ when _fried_,
+      _That_ saves a _soul_ from _frying_.
+
+
+        MCXLI.--EPITAPHS.
+
+IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to
+the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single
+epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of
+Shakespeare,--the following being the whole,--_Exit Burbadge_.
+
+Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that
+excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,--"Good
+Knight."
+
+
+        MCXLII.--NATIONAL PREJUDICE.
+
+FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The
+Irish, sir, take us _all in_, and the Scotch turn us _all out_."
+
+
+        MCXLIII.--GRANDILOQUENCE.
+
+A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business
+be?"--"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is
+in a _very_ large way!"--"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume
+you are a cutter of _bungs_?"
+
+
+        MCXLIV.--THE LETTER C.
+
+CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the
+Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was
+Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she
+was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House,
+the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel;
+her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord
+Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of
+her accoucheur being Croft.
+
+
+        MCXLV.--PRACTICAL RETORT.
+
+IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one
+night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and
+hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on
+the stage, and _out-hissed_ the visitors.
+
+
+        MCXLVI.--AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.
+
+DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the
+Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone,
+having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he
+forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth
+immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or
+not; for nine of them have such _bad_ constitutions that all the
+physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so
+_good_ constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill
+them."
+
+
+        MCXLVII.--A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.
+
+    OWEN MOORE has run away,
+    Owing more than he can pay.
+
+
+        MCXLVIII.--LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.
+
+"HURRAH! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his
+father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at
+last."--"_Settled it_!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you
+that as _an annuity_ for your life."
+
+
+        MCXLIX.--A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.
+
+"AS you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging
+sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve
+you."--"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting
+for _all parishes_."
+
+
+        MCL.--PLAIN SPEAKING.
+
+GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his
+persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his
+opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther _done so_,"
+replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne
+of England."
+
+
+        MCLL.--THE PLURAL NUMBER.
+
+A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great
+promptness and simplicity, "_two-pence_."
+
+
+        MCLII.--MAULE-PRACTICE.
+
+A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was
+differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so
+with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive
+a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, _in
+writing_."
+
+
+        MCLIII.--VERY LIKELY.
+
+AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after
+suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his
+servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room,
+"None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very
+glad, for now you will have only _one boot_ to clean instead of _two_."
+
+
+        MCLIV.--MUCH ALIKE.
+
+A SAILOR was asked, "Where did your father die?"--"In a storm," answered
+the sailor. "And your grandfather?"--"He was drowned."--"And your
+great-grandfather?"--"He perished at sea."--"How, then," said the
+questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished
+there? You needs must be very rash."--"Master," replied the sailor, "do
+me the favor of telling me where your father died?"--"Very comfortably
+in a bed."--"And your forefathers?"--"In the same manner,--very quietly
+in their beds."--"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you
+_go to bed_, since all your ancestors died in it?"
+
+
+        MCLV.--A GOOD WIFE.
+
+A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets
+she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing
+all that _pleases_ him, and by enduring patiently all that _displeases_
+me."
+
+
+        MCLVI.--WELLINGTON SURPRISED.
+
+A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table,
+to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here
+titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo?" To which the duke
+responded, "No; but I am NOW."
+
+
+        MCLVII.--TOO CLEVER.
+
+A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself
+useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as
+country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for
+two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you _shook
+them_?"--"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the
+word.
+
+
+        MCLVIII.--A LIGHT JOKE.
+
+AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned
+down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at
+first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same
+evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact,
+"that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn _any
+longer_."
+
+
+        MCLIX.--A REBUKE.
+
+A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted
+that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier,
+"be careful the next time you run away, and don't _look back_."
+
+
+        MCLX.--A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.
+
+"BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?"--"He's a
+_philanthropist_, sir."--"A what?"--"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he
+collects money for Central America, and _builds houses_ out of the
+proceeds."
+
+
+        MCLXI.--GREAT CABBAGE.
+
+A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a
+suit of clothes. He replied, _twelve_ yards. Astonished at the quantity,
+he went to another, who said _seven_ would be quite sufficient. Not
+thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was
+against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask
+twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for
+seven?"--"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he
+has but _three_ children to clothe, I have _six_."
+
+
+        MCLXII.--TRUE AND FALSE.
+
+A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to
+whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, _Latin_. The fellow,
+shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the
+gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"--"Yes," replied
+the other, "a _poor one_ indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word
+of _Latin_."
+
+
+        MCLXIII.--NOT QUITE CORRECT.
+
+A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct
+in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day
+when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and
+asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great
+sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."--"Did you run him
+long?"--"They run him up-wards of five hours _successfully_."--"So then
+you _did_ kill him?"--"O no, sir; we lost him at last."
+
+
+        MCLXIV.--A FOOL CONFIRMED.
+
+DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once
+called a clergyman a _fool_, and there was probably some truth in his
+application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different
+opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so,"
+added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you."
+
+
+        MCLXV.--PLEASANT.
+
+A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his
+operations satisfactory.
+
+
+        MCLXVI.--ALERE FLAMMAN.
+
+MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had
+just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell
+her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being
+likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the
+doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you,
+madam, to put it where your _other irons_ are."
+
+
+        MCLXVII.--ORATORY.
+
+AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York
+Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the
+workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made,
+he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything
+that came uppermost, that he might observe how it could be heard. "Why
+then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you
+these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do
+you mean to pay us?"--"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray
+come down; I have _heard_ quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very
+distinctly, though I don't much _admire your subject_."
+
+
+        MCLXVIII.--SOLDIERS' WIVES.
+
+THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a
+new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation.
+"But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal
+highness, as she is _a soldier's wife_, and these people are generally
+_loose characters_!"--"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just
+entered the room, "_a soldier's wife_! Pray, madam, _what is your
+mistress_? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."
+
+
+        MCLXIX.--NO JOKE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a
+board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the
+notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these
+Grounds";--but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he
+caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,--"NO JOKE,
+BY THE LORD HARRY!" which had the desired effect.
+
+
+        MCLXX.--A GOOD LIKENESS.
+
+A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to
+charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen
+his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the
+non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was _so like
+you_."
+
+
+        MCLXXI.--CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.
+
+GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was
+induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the
+acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at
+the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his
+old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed,
+but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the _cuttee_. "I
+recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I
+shall be most happy to become acquainted _with you again_."
+
+
+        MCLXXII.--VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.
+
+AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in
+eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L----'s sad
+affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he
+suddenly took up the knife, and----" "Good heavens!" interposed one of
+the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"--"Why no," answered the
+relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected
+he would, for he actually _put it up to his mouth_."
+
+
+        MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.
+
+THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club,
+inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was
+the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix,
+_for I can't rise from the fire_."
+
+
+        MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPETITE.
+
+A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said
+he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as
+for loins, not many; five or six at most."--"And how many legs of
+mutton?"--"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight,
+perhaps."--"And fatted pullets?"--"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not
+many; not more than a dozen."--"And pigeons?"--"Ah, as for pigeons, not
+many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appetite."--"And
+larks?"--"Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--_for ever_, my
+lord--_for ever_!"
+
+
+        MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.
+
+DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting
+one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind,
+remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."--"I
+do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for _we_ have
+seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."
+
+
+        MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.
+
+A'BECKETT once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an _annual
+increase_ is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of
+this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"
+
+
+        MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH _versus_ POLITENESS.
+
+AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was
+presiding "Hoped the tea was good."--"Very good, indeed, madam," was the
+general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who,
+between truth and politeness observed, "That the _tea_ was _excellent_,
+but the _water_ was _smoky_!"
+
+
+        MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.
+
+SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be _exposed_, though we
+must confess we think it a thing that deserves a _hiding_.
+
+
+        MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.
+
+A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said
+that if _one_ side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the
+_other_ would stay behind.
+
+[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in
+Hudibras,--
+
+    "For Hudibras wore but one spur;
+    As wisely knowing, could he stir
+    To active trot one side of 's horse," &c.]
+
+
+        MCLXXX.--A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.
+
+A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered,
+"_Unum contrarium expellit alterum_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXI.--A PLAY UPON WORDS.
+
+A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game
+unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being
+asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring
+to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and
+confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told
+you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty
+years, it has been my _manner_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXII.--JEMMY GORDON.
+
+JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a _theme_ and _declamation_
+for _varmint-men_, alias _non-reading_ Cantabs, having been complimented
+by an acquaintance on the result of one of his _themes_, to which the
+prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is
+no great credit to be first in an _ass-race_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXIII.--SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN.
+
+SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his
+chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, "I would have you to
+know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit."--"Do you, indeed," replied the
+Dean; "Then take my advice, and _sit down again_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXIV.--A SETTLED POINT.
+
+"A REFORMED Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, "will
+never do for this country."--"No! but an _unreformed_ would, and that
+quickly," replied a bystander.
+
+
+        MCLXXXV.--JOLLY COMPANIONS.
+
+A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the
+jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings,
+and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his
+elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a
+witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C----
+the worse of drink?"--"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the
+better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."--"But did you never see
+him drunk?"--"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be _half
+slockened_, I'm ay' _blind fu'_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXVI.--PAYING IN KIND.
+
+A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied
+with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a
+small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In
+the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles,
+instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he _gave to each a wax
+candle_.
+
+
+        MCLXXXVII.--A FULL HOUSE.
+
+"WHAT plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house
+at my benefit?"--"_Invite your creditors_," was the surly reply.
+
+
+        MCLXXXVIII.--RATHER THE WORST HALF.
+
+ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his
+mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And
+why not?" said the mother; "he's entitled to half, isn't he!"--"Yes,
+mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out
+all the soft for his half? He will have _his_ half out of the middle,
+and I have to sleep _both_ sides of him!"
+
+
+        MCLXXXIX.--FORCE OF HABIT.
+
+A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of
+Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report
+the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions
+_always_ to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl
+brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S----'s _compliments_, and she
+de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"
+
+
+        MCXC.--A WONDERFUL SIGHT.
+
+A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair,
+to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a
+lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate,
+who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next
+year they were to carry about a _sailor and a marine living peaceably
+together_!"--"Aye," said his married companion, "or a _man and wife_."
+
+
+        MCXCI.--BURKE AND FOX.
+
+MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented
+his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord
+Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I
+declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of
+the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and,
+should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought
+to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is
+the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of
+my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of
+John Zisca, it should be converted _into a drum_, and used for the
+purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England."
+
+
+        MCXCII.--TRYING TO THE TEMPER.
+
+LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: "I never
+put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the
+blade."--"No doubt of it," replied Rogers; "show me the blade that is
+_not out of temper_ when plunged into _hot water_."
+
+
+        MCXCIII.--HAVING A CALL.
+
+MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the
+country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was
+expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of
+refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in
+_exercises_, and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied,
+"I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye
+can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in
+the prayer when I hear the _haam fizzin'_."
+
+
+        MCXCIV.--A WILL AND AWAY.
+
+IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of
+a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his
+younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by
+the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he,
+"it's the will; I'm ordered to _divide_ the house betune myself and my
+brother, so I've taken the _inside_ and given him the _outside_."
+
+
+        MCXCV.--A WINDY MINISTER.
+
+IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest
+operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much
+laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for
+the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants
+in prayer as follows:--"Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin'
+wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive
+words than these could not be found in any language.
+
+
+        MCXCVI.--READY RECKONER.
+
+THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in
+Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that
+some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they
+were met with the curt reply: "Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send
+you half-a-dozen _pay sergeants_ that will,"--a hint that they did not
+fail to take.
+
+
+        MCXCVII.--A "DISTANT" FRIEND.
+
+MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, "You have lost some of
+your friends, I see?"--"Yes, massa."--"Was it a near or a distant
+relative?"--"Well, purty distant,--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the
+reply.
+
+
+        MCXCVIII.--TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.
+
+    "HO! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade,
+    "The ministry are to be _changed_, it is said."
+    "That's good," replied Tom, "but it better would be
+    With a trifling erratum."--"What?"--"Dele the _c_."
+
+
+        MCXCIX.--A NAMELESS MAN.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the
+delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. "My name," replied
+the man, "is the same as my father's."--"And what is his name?" said the
+gentleman. "It is the same as mine."--"Then what are both your
+names?"--"Why, they _are both alike_," answered the man again, and very
+deliberately walked off.
+
+
+        MCC.--AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.
+
+BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I
+like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--_I can't get
+over your nose_!"--"No wonder, madam," replied he, "the bridge is gone!"
+
+
+        MCCI.--NON COMPOS.
+
+IT is remarkable that ---- is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition,
+though the _very little piece_ of mind he possesses is proverbial.
+
+
+        MCCII.--TOO LIBERAL.
+
+A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of
+distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you
+have done it so profusely that you have _left none_ for yourself."
+
+
+        MCCIII.--A LITTLE RAIN.
+
+    HOW monarchs die is easily explained,
+      For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled;
+    As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned,
+      And then he _mizzled_!
+
+
+        MCCIV.--TRUE DIGNITY.
+
+P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's
+house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before him.
+"Pass, sir," said the master of the house, "it is only Mr. P----, the
+author."--"As my rank is mentioned," cried P., "I shall claim the
+preference"; and accordingly took the lead.
+
+
+        MCCV.--HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY.
+
+DR. MEAD, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted
+with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient
+rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah!" said the doctor,
+shaking his head, "this Madeira will never do; it is the cause of all
+your suffering."--"Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill your
+glass, for now we have found out _the cause_, the sooner _we get rid of
+it_ the better."
+
+
+        MCCVI.--SEVERE.
+
+A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called "_she_." The
+son of Neptune replied that it was "because the _rigging_ cost more than
+the hull."
+
+
+        MCCVII.--NO SACRIFICE.
+
+A LINEN-DRAPER having advertised his stock to be sold under _prime
+cost_, a neighbor observed that, "It was impossible, as he had never
+_paid a farthing for it himself_."
+
+
+        MCCVIII.--SHARP BOY.
+
+A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him
+he should never _defer_ till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The
+little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the
+plum-pudding _to-night_."
+
+
+        MCCIX.--EARLY BIRDS OF PREY.
+
+A MERCHANT having been attacked by some thieves at five in the
+afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you _open shop early_ to-day."
+
+
+        MCCX.--JUDGMENT.
+
+JAMES THE SECOND, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet,
+and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the loss of his
+sight a _judgment_ upon him for what he had written against his father,
+Charles the First. Milton answered, "If your Highness think my loss of
+sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing
+his head?"
+
+
+        MCCXI.--ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED.
+
+    IT sounds like paradox,--and yet 'tis true,
+    You're like your picture, though it's not like you.
+
+
+        MCCXII.--RATHER A-CURATE.
+
+IT is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in
+their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they
+have gone many steps, they may be said to be _past a_ CURE.
+
+
+        MCCXIII.--MONEY'S WORTH.
+
+A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the
+advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue _an
+advantage_ over an honest man," was the reply.
+
+
+        MCCXIV.--THE RICHMOND HOAX.
+
+ONE of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert
+Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond
+before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly
+desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor"--those
+cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated.
+The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, "What do you mean by 'maids of
+honor?'"--"Dear me!" said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly
+a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette, that
+everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace?
+What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor;
+a capon is called a lord chamberlain; a goose is a lord steward; a
+roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the
+bedchamber; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod; and
+so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in, when she actually saw the
+maids of honor make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes; she
+convulsed the whole party by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in
+a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a _gentleman usher of the black
+rod_, if they had one in the house quite cold!
+
+
+        MCCX.V.--LORD CHATHAM.
+
+LORD CHATHAM had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view,
+and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken
+immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on
+the impossibility of obeying them. He found his lordship in the most
+excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had
+ever experienced. "Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of
+impossibilities": and then, raising himself upon his legs, while the
+sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his
+body was convulsed with agony, "Go, sir, and tell his lordship, that he
+has to do with a minister who actually _treads_ on impossibilities."
+
+
+        MCCXVI.--"I CAN GET THROUGH."
+
+IN the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated
+windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the
+gates were locked, taken the liberty of passing, without an _exeat_, in
+rather a novel style. A certain Cantab was in the act of drawing himself
+through the bars, and being more than an ordinary mortal's bulk, he
+stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college passing, stepped up to the
+student and asked him ironically, "If he should assist him?"--"Thank
+you," was the reply, "_I can get through_!" at the same instant he drew
+himself back on the outside.
+
+
+        MCCXVII.--MAKING FREE.
+
+FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters
+sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the
+post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been _charged_.
+He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his
+handwriting. "It was not," he replied, "_precisely_ the same; but the
+truth is, I happened to be a _little tipsy_ when I franked
+them."--"Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write _drunk_
+when you make _free_?"
+
+
+        MCCXVIII.--FICTION AND TRUTH.
+
+WALLER, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric
+on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of
+Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the
+king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that
+he wrote a better on Cromwell. "Please your majesty," said Waller, like
+a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy in _fiction_ than in
+_truth_."
+
+
+        MCCXIX.--A TAVERN DINNER.
+
+A PARTY of _bon-vivants_, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang
+for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared
+so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest)
+that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been
+drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor
+forgets the three gentlemen _under the table_."
+
+
+        MCCXX.--A FULL STOP.
+
+A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him.
+One old aunt, in particular, visited him _twice_ a year, and stayed _six
+months_ each time.
+
+
+        MCCXXI.--FAT AND LEAN.
+
+A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that,
+though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. "I have seen
+the time," said another, "when it made you lean,"--"When? I should be
+glad to know," inquired the eulogist. "Why, no longer ago than last
+night,--_against a wall_."
+
+
+        MCCXXII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.
+
+JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his
+retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at
+the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After
+eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant
+retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to
+only three shillings and sixpence, English, and rode off. A few hours
+afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican,
+understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. "Psha! psha!
+man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such
+adventures, and will think no more of it."--"But I _shall_" replied the
+landlord; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my
+house, and letting him off for _three and sixpence_."
+
+
+        MCCXXIII.--NICKNAMES.
+
+JOHN MAGEE, formerly the printer of the _Dublin Evening Post_, was full
+of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instituted
+against him by the government, and many "keen encounters of the tongue"
+took place on these occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel,
+who was at that period Chief Justice of the King's Bench. In addressing
+the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some
+public character, who was better known by a familiar designation. The
+official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed; and he, with bilious
+asperity, reproved the printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no
+nicknames in this court,"---"Very well, _John Scott_," was the reply.
+
+
+        MCCXXIV.--A CALCULATION.
+
+AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his
+papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to
+Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum:
+"Accepted by Bingley, set for, and thrown out of, the _North Briton_,
+21st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death:--
+
+  Lost by his death on this essay     £ 1 11 6
+  Gained in elegies                     2  2 0
+  Gained in essays                      3  3 0
+  Am glad he is dead by                 3 13 6."
+
+Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously
+vindicated by Southey, in the _Quarterly Review_.
+
+
+        MCCXXV.--ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE.
+
+    I WOULD not pay a coin to see
+        An animal much larger;
+    Surely the mammoth horse must be
+        Rather an _overcharger_.
+
+
+        MCCXXVI.--NOTHING BUT HEBREW.
+
+A CANTAB chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated
+some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with him.
+The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to
+share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand.
+This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his
+learning, as it proved to be in _Latin_. The Cantab immediately declined
+the offer by saying, "Sir, I read nothing but _Hebrew_!"
+
+
+        MCCXXVII.--A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.
+
+WHEN Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one
+evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the
+butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye
+buy?" Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want
+anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's
+figure, exclaimed, "Only _say_ you buy your meat of me, sir, and you
+will make my fortune."
+
+
+        MCCXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.
+
+AN Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion,
+completely silenced by a horse-dealer. "Pray, Mr. ----, you belong to a
+very honest profession?"--"I can't say so," replied the witness; "for,
+saving you _lawyers_, I think it the _most dishonest going_."
+
+
+        MCCXXIX.--SERVANTS.
+
+IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep _one_
+servant your work will be done; if you keep _two_, it will be half done;
+and if you keep _three_, you will have to do it yourself.
+
+
+        MCCXXX.--PLAIN ENOUGH.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the
+presence of Foote, the latter said: "And why don't you lay claim to such
+an accomplished beauty?"--"What right have I to her?" exclaimed the
+gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied Foote; "every
+right, as the _first discoverer_."
+
+
+        MCCXXXI.--A POSER.
+
+AT Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government
+House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was
+allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D----,
+having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her
+steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out,
+and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D----, with a stately air,
+"do you know who I am?"--"I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the
+immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the _General's
+cow_." So Lady D---- wisely gave up the argument, and went the other
+way.
+
+
+        MCCXXXII.--TRUE CRITICISM.
+
+A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was
+asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. "I always give a candid
+one," said her guest, "where eating and drinking are concerned. _It is
+admirable stuff to catch flies_."
+
+
+        MCCXXXIII.--ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG.
+
+THE British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance
+of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his
+command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the
+sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very unpopular among
+them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason
+they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor
+he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name of
+_grog_.
+
+
+        MCCXXXIV.--WELL SAID.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his
+daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well; but she who
+does not marry, does better."--"Well then," said the young lady, "I will
+_do well_; let those who choose _do better_."
+
+
+        MCCXXXV.--SLEEPING AT CHURCH.
+
+DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the
+monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after
+snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: "Lord Lauderdale,
+let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will
+_awake the king_!"
+
+
+        MCCXXXVI.--SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL.
+
+LORD BYRON notes: "What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage;
+for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally.
+Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and
+Moore, and I passed together, when _he_ talked and we listened, without
+one yawn, from six to one in the morning."
+
+One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of
+that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and
+bewildered, and almost insensible. The watchman asked, "Who are you,
+sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?"
+Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron
+notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?--and, to my mind, excellent. Poor
+fellow! _his_ very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of
+others."
+
+
+        MCCXXXVII.--THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.
+
+VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one
+day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir
+Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing
+in the world."--"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is
+another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is
+that you will _live_ a beggar, at the rate you go on."
+
+
+        MCCXXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.
+
+A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and
+universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in
+Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony,
+the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition
+wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on
+a steed of a different description, and passing near a Seceding
+meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual
+kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's
+come o' the auld Pyet?"--"He's deid, minister."--"Weel, he was an auld
+faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the
+Church?"--"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this
+allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he
+_turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast_." He then
+rode quietly away.
+
+
+        MCCXXXIX.--CREDIT.
+
+AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's
+description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his
+tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence
+on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of
+debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is _respectable to be arrested_,
+because it shows that the party once had credit.
+
+
+        MCCXL.--SEEING NOT BELIEVING.
+
+A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins
+together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they _kill you_?"
+
+
+        MCCXLI.--SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.
+
+A BON-VIVANT, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine,
+after having been told that he could not in all human probability
+survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted
+the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said,
+with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I
+_live till nine_!"
+
+
+        MCCXLII.--BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.
+
+THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men
+that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much
+as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years
+of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once
+dispersed the house, a circumstance which procured him the nickname of
+the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he
+was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is
+the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr.
+Burke _is up_."
+
+
+        MCCXLIII.--VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.
+
+IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas,
+not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was
+speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you
+mean?"--"Dr. John Thomas."--"They are both named John."--"Dr. Thomas who
+has a living in the city."--"They have both livings in the city."--"Dr.
+Thomas who is chaplain to the king."--"They are both chaplains to the
+king."--"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."--"They are both good
+preachers."--"Dr. Thomas who squints."--"They both squint." They were
+afterwards both Bishops.
+
+
+        MCCXLIV.--FORTUNATE STARS.
+
+    "MY stars!" cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled,
+    "What homage we nobles command in the world!"
+    "True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars,
+    _Some people_ owe much to their _fortunate stars_!"
+
+
+        MCCXLV.--A NEW READING.
+
+TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was
+talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations
+of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace
+the following passage:--
+
+    "Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti:
+    Tempus abire tibi est."
+
+"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"--"I
+think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to
+it?"--"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be
+_bribe-isti_ in your Horace."
+
+
+        MCCXLVI.--QUITE AT EASE.
+
+FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend
+who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him;
+but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is
+hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and
+hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied,
+"Thank you, my lord: you know _the company_ better than I do."
+
+
+        MCCXLVII.--CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.
+
+IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he
+rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort.
+Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself.
+Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to
+rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief,
+"Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever _try a clean shirt_?"
+
+
+        MCCXLVIII.--CLEARING EMIGRANTS.
+
+AN Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his
+sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something
+more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so
+engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land,
+_trees and all_."
+
+
+        MCCXLIX.--PARLIAMENTARY CASE.
+
+BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall,
+was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James
+was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale,
+Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I
+take my subjects' _money_ when I want it, without all this formality in
+Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "God forbid, sir, but you
+should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to
+the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"--"Sir,"
+replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary
+cases."--"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord;
+answer me presently."--"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for
+you to take my _brother Neale's money_, for he offers it."
+
+
+        MCCL.--OUTLINE OF AN AMBASSADOR.
+
+WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
+to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether
+the French government had sent the _preliminaries_ of a treaty,
+answered, "he did not know, but they had sent _the outline of an
+ambassador_."
+
+
+        MCCLI.--NATURE AND ART.
+
+A WORTHY English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the
+Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye
+caught up the names of its--to him--unknown dishes: "Soupe à la
+flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de
+Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée de
+volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his
+simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried
+to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first
+principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"
+
+
+        MCCLII.--A COMPARISON.
+
+IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less
+they have in them, the _more noise_ they make in pouring it out.
+
+
+        MCCLIII.--THE SNUFF-BOX.
+
+AT a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly
+admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather
+difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor
+Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer,
+and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness,
+"Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is _not
+an oyster_."
+
+
+        MCCLIV.--NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.
+
+LORD PLUNKET is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the
+Irish Chancellorship, and his _supersedeas_ by Lord Campbell. A violent
+tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend
+remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have
+made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it
+won't make him _throw up the seals_."
+
+
+        MCCLV.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.
+
+ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers who came on board his ship for
+instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was
+both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_
+approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a _good fire_."
+
+
+        MCCLVI.--GETTING A LIVING.
+
+THE late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the
+same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped
+over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his
+attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good
+living that falls to my disposal; had he _stopped_ to have taken care of
+me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor
+similar to his own, or with a spirit that would _not stoop to flatter_.
+
+
+        MCCLVII.--GOOD EYES.
+
+A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a
+pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to _see_
+her talk."
+
+
+        MCCLVIII.--INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.
+
+A SOLDIER, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people
+running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can
+assure you nothing will be done _without me_."
+
+
+        MCCLIX.--A LAST RESOURCE.
+
+VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John
+Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what
+he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John.
+"That I can do," answered the duke, "when _I am ruined_."
+
+
+        MCCLX.--A DULL MAN.
+
+LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a _bon mot_ of Moore's for a
+week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that
+the reciter was _guiltless_ of understanding its point; but he could get
+no one to accept the bet.
+
+
+        MCCLXI.--WHITE TEETH.
+
+PROFESSOR SAUNDERSON, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the
+University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics,
+was _quite blind_. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked
+of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very _white teeth_.
+The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was
+very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the
+lady is not a _fool_, and I can think of no other motive for her
+laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."
+
+
+        MCCLXII.--A PLEASANT PARTNER.
+
+A FARMER having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who
+neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn,
+and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so
+useless a way, adding, "You had better do _something_ with it, as you
+see I have done."--"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man
+has a right to do what he will with his own, and _you_ have done so; but
+I have made up my mind about my part of the property,--I shall set it on
+fire."
+
+
+        MCCLXIII.--TWO CARRIAGES.
+
+TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy
+brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are
+to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a
+coach."--"Very true, miss," said the other, "and _you_ are to consider
+that he likewise keeps a _dray_."
+
+
+        MCCLXIV.--EXCUSABLE FEAR.
+
+A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by
+a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."--"It is not _she_ I am afraid
+of," replied the husband, "it is _the noise_."
+
+
+        MCCLXV.--COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.
+
+THELWALL and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful recess in the
+Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine
+place to _talk_ treason in!"--"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is
+rather a place to make a man _forget_ that there is any necessity for
+treason!"
+
+
+        MCCLXVI.--A FLASH OF WIT.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a
+friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist:
+"Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His
+enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he
+talked rather too much; but now he has _occasional flashes of silence,
+that make his conversation perfectly delightful_!"
+
+
+        MCCLXVII.--LOST AND FOUND.
+
+THE ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly
+agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons
+were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always _finds 'em
+agin_ the next day."
+
+
+        MCCLXVIII.--A MILITARY AXIOM.
+
+AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the
+expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when
+reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always _quarter_ upon the enemy,
+my lads; always _quarter_ upon the enemy."
+
+
+        MCCLXIX.--A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.
+
+THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being
+much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great
+vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with
+great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"--"Faith," said the
+king, in a tone more _piano_ than that of the orator, "nobody that is
+within the reach of _that fist of yours_."
+
+
+        MCCLXX.--NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.
+
+DR. THOMAS BROWN courted a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully,
+during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health
+before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a
+gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady,
+your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I
+cannot make her _Brown_, so I'll toast her no longer."
+
+
+        MCCLXXI.--AN ODD NOTION.
+
+A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service,
+inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"--"Please, ma'am, I don't
+_live nowhere_ now," rejoined the girl; "_I am married_!"
+
+
+        MCCLXXII.--A SURE TAKE.
+
+AN old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend
+riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir,"
+replied the other, "I am riding _after my eighty-fourth year_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXIII.--MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.
+
+MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites
+had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington
+Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a
+like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the
+Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr.
+Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,--who left the _Fox_ to go
+over to the _Goose_, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."
+
+
+        MCCLXXIV.--DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.
+
+"IF I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I
+would certainly by all means make him a _parson_." A clergyman who was
+in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from _your
+father_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXV.--ORTHOGRAPHY.
+
+THE laird of M'N----b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh
+coffee-house, when a friend observed that he was setting at defiance
+the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed
+the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man _write grammar_ with a pen
+like this?"
+
+
+        MCCLXXVI.--A SHORT JOURNEY.
+
+"ZOUNDS, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very
+phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."--"Well,
+you won't have _far to go_," said the phlegmatic man.
+
+
+        MCCLXXVII.--LORD HOWE.
+
+ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
+middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
+with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
+that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
+shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
+and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
+afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
+you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
+lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
+when he is afraid? I need not ask how _he looks_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXVIII.--RATHER ETHEREAL.
+
+DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the
+possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle,
+who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him,
+"Doctor, where am I to bait at in the _upward_ journey?"--"My lady,"
+replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected
+that question from you; who have built so many _castles in the air_ that
+you might lie every night at one of _your own_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXIX.--HENRY VIII.
+
+THIS monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to
+get another wife. His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of Milan;
+but her answer was, "She had but _one_ head; if she had _two_, one
+should have been at his service."
+
+
+        MCCLXXX.--MELODRAMATIC HIT.
+
+BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of
+the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a
+joke from Sheridan.--"The gentleman has brought us the _knife_, but
+where is the _fork_?"
+
+
+        MCCLXXXI.--A LONG ILLNESS.
+
+A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of
+the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of
+a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two
+country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll,
+one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he;
+"but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a
+fever _these three weeks_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXII.--DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.
+
+"HOW long is this loch?"
+
+"It will be about twanty mile."
+
+"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"
+
+"Maybe it will be twelve."
+
+"It does not really seem more than four."
+
+"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."
+
+"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."
+
+"Troth, I _canna say I do_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXIII.--WHAT'S IN A NAME?
+
+SOON after Lord ----'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors
+were often very ridiculous in the _titles_ they gave. "That," said a
+distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns
+appear _not to be exempt_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXIV.--TILLOTSON.
+
+WHO was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of
+the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more
+time upon it, it would not have been _so long_!"
+
+
+        MCCLXXXV.--IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.
+
+SOME clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the
+love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach
+of promise," as the ink _fades away_, and leaves the sheet blank, in
+about four weeks after being written upon.
+
+
+        MCCLXXXVI.--CHIN-SURVEYING.
+
+A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above
+the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain
+barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular
+settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account,
+carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to
+31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made
+some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer
+thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was
+readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches
+proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would
+measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s.
+1d.--being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of _chin-surveying_.
+
+
+        MCCLXXXVII.--CHANGING HATS.
+
+BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were
+extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were
+about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him.
+Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain
+one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by
+Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the
+truth, my dear Joey," answered Barry, "I fully expected assassination
+last night; and I was to have been known by _my laced hat_." Nollekens
+used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would
+call a true bill against Jem."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXVIII.--POWDER WITHOUT BALL.
+
+DR. GOODALL, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of
+Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst
+congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball
+during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused
+the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you
+see you can get the powder out of the _cannon_, but not the _ball_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXIX.--POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.
+
+DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between
+his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging
+each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper
+prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I
+only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore,
+all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death
+to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:--
+
+    'Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures past,
+    The _greatest dunce_ has killed your foe at last.'"
+
+
+        MCCXC.--OPPOSITE TEMPERS.
+
+GENERAL SUTTON was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir
+Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving
+him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me"; and
+continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again,
+"John, you cut me"; but as mildly as before: and soon after he had
+occasion to say it a third time; when Sutton, starting up in a rage,
+said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, "If
+Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John,
+_I'll knock you down_."
+
+
+        MCCXCI.--A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION.
+
+A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her,
+proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The
+bystanders asked him if he was mad,--she could not have gone against the
+stream. The man answered, "She was _obstinate_ and _contrary_ in her
+life, and no doubt she was the _same at her death_."
+
+
+        MCCXCII.--A QUEER EXPRESSION.
+
+A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of
+the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga,
+said, "Mr. ----, your gown is very short."--"It will be long enough,
+sir, before I get another," replied the student. The answer tickled the
+Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he
+met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was
+amusing him so much. "Why, that fellow ---- said such a funny thing. I
+asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time
+before I get another.'"--"There's nothing very funny in that."--"Well,
+no," replied the other, "there is not, after all. But _it was the way he
+said it_."
+
+
+        MCCXCIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.
+
+IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored
+Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at
+rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having
+casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, "That's
+true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how _short the days are_ at
+this time of the year."
+
+
+        MCCXCIV.--A PARTICIPATION IN A PRACTICAL JOKE.
+
+SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his
+severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of
+his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his
+hands and coat very much with the tar; and, being greatly enraged, he
+sent for one most suspected to be the author. This the lad utterly
+denied; but said, "Truly, I did it not; but if you please, I can tell
+you who had _a hand in it_." Here they thought to have found out the
+truth, and asked him who. The lad answered, "_Your worship, sir_"; which
+caused him to be dismissed with great applause for his ingenuity.
+
+
+        MCCXCV.--INGRATITUDE.
+
+WHEN Lord B---- died, a person met an old man who was one of his most
+intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was
+trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not
+affect me so much as his horrible ingratitude. Would you believe it? he
+died without leaving me anything in his will,--I, who have _dined with
+him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years_!"
+
+
+        MCCXCVI.--A PREFIX.
+
+WHEN Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the
+administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met
+him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the
+crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of
+his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their
+titles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself
+_Silly-Bubb_!"
+
+
+        MCCXCVII.--A GOOD MIXTURE.
+
+AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order
+to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with _brains_, sir!"
+was his answer.
+
+
+        MCCXCVIII.--SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.
+
+IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman _patera_, or goblet,
+in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I
+purchased this" (says he) "at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous
+sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an
+antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However,
+I was almost consoled for the bitter price it cost by the amusement I
+derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to
+purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the
+antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the _patera_ this
+good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated
+astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone
+which I shall never forget,--'Five-an-twenty guineas! _If the
+parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for_!'"
+
+
+        MCCXCIX.--HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.
+
+HORNE TOOKE having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and
+Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it
+my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of
+his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it
+may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in
+my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that _you shall
+have no ground_ to complain of my endeavors to serve you."
+
+
+        MCCC.--A LITERARY RENDERING.
+
+A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding
+visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room,
+and no doubt used the Scotticism, "_Carry_ any ladies that call up
+stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show
+his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together,
+and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there
+till _I come for ye_," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances,
+ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this
+unwonted fashion.
+
+
+        MCCCI.--TEMPERANCE CRUETS.
+
+THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club,
+restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was
+designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William
+Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man,
+observing Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with
+contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those
+_life-preservers_!"
+
+
+        MCCCII.--DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUCUMBER.
+
+DR. GLYNN, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in
+attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty
+of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating _cucumber_, of which she
+was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for
+dressing them: "Peel the cucumber," said the doctor, "with great care;
+then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and
+then--_throw it away_."
+
+
+        MCCCIII.--"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"
+
+CAPTAIN INNES of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his
+contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of
+those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding
+officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new
+one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith
+there'll soon be mair _hats_ nor _heads_."
+
+
+        MCCCIV.--SEVERE REBUKE.
+
+SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were
+objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer,
+"do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges
+in each university?"--"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I
+had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the
+_more he sucked_ the _greater calf_ he grew."
+
+
+        MCCCV.--HORSES TO GRASS.
+
+IN an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on
+the following terms:--
+
+  Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week.
+  Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.
+
+On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered, that the
+horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while
+eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads
+_from the manger_.
+
+
+        MCCCVI.--INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.
+
+WHEN the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied
+Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambacères, one of the most
+distinguished statesmen and _gourmets_ of the time of Napoleon. In the
+course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly
+_recherché_ dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very
+good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very
+good, but I really do not care what I eat."--"Don't care what you eat!"
+exclaimed Cambacères, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what
+_did_ you come here for, then!"
+
+
+        MCCCVII.--VERY TRUE.
+
+"ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is
+_confidence_."
+
+
+        MCCCVIII.--A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.
+
+A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and
+was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When
+informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the
+cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why
+he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he
+could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other_ gentleman's clothes."
+
+
+        MCCCIX.--ST. PETER A BACHELOR.
+
+IN the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is
+reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new
+foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed
+to _Peter and Mary's_; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr.
+Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too
+long a _bachelor_ to think of a female companion in his old days."
+
+
+        MCCCX.--TRUE OF BOTH.
+
+"I SWEAR," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very
+handsome."--"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not
+think so."--"And so you would _think_," answered he, "though I should
+not _say so_."
+
+
+        MCCCXI.--A POSER.
+
+A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a
+lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do
+when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't
+you?"--"O no!" replied the little one, "_we let out the tucks_!" The
+doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.
+
+
+        MCCCXII.--VERY APPROPRIATE.
+
+A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much
+time in hunting and shooting, styled them _Nimrod_ and _Ramrod_.
+
+
+        MCCCXIII.--A BAD JUDGE.
+
+UPON the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of
+Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord
+Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little
+stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red;
+nearly as red as you, _Hill_!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret
+complexion.
+
+
+        MCCCXIV.--WHITE HANDS.
+
+IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said,
+"Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as
+usual."--"_Put on your gloves_, madam," replied the butcher, "and you
+will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home
+immediately.
+
+
+        MCCCXV.--TRUE TO THE LETTER.
+
+IT may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs
+no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no
+employment which requires such constant _application_.
+
+
+        MCCCXVI.--SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.
+
+SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical
+knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth,"
+which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former
+title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the
+kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that
+Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his
+suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and
+down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am _all but_ the author of the
+Waverley Novels!"
+
+
+        MCCCXVII.--TRUE PHILOSOPHY.
+
+LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his
+deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a
+great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my
+pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, _I defy_ you all.'"
+
+
+        MCCCXVIII.--ANSWERED AT ONCE.
+
+A SCOTCH clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is _the
+price_ of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily
+from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a
+dozen!"
+
+
+        MCCCXIX.--A DEADLY WEAPON.
+
+"WELL, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have
+_mauled_ my antagonist to some purpose?"--"O yes," replied a listener,
+"you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines,
+I'll borrow _your jaw-bone_!"
+
+
+        MCCCXX.--EQUALITY OF THE LAW.
+
+THE following cannot be omitted from a _Jest Book_, although somewhat
+lengthy:--
+
+A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took
+place.--Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not
+be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife
+took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen
+her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice
+Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you
+did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you
+did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action
+against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would
+have cost you about £100. When you had recovered substantial damages
+against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the
+Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce _à mensa atque thoro_. That would
+have cost you £200 or £300 more. When you had obtained a divorce _à
+mensa atque thoro_, you would have had to appear by counsel before the
+House of Lords for a divorce _à vinculo matrimonii_. The bill might have
+been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and
+altogether you would have had to spend about £1000 or £1200. You will
+probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in
+the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a
+British judge, it is my duty to tell you that _this is not a country in
+which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.
+
+IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a
+widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for
+_delirium tremens_, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses
+were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not
+addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers,
+the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who
+closed his evidence by describing a case of _delirium tremens_ treated
+by him, in which the patient _recovered in a single night_. "It was,"
+said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, _sipping all day_, from
+morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr.
+Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, _that is my case_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXII.--QUITE PROFESSIONAL.
+
+A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at
+the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the
+church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in
+the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of
+him. Poor fellow! he has _drawn a full house_, though, to the end."
+
+
+        MCCCXXIII.--ON DR. LETTSOM.
+
+    IF anybody comes to I,
+      I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
+    If after that they like to die,
+      Why, what care I, I Lettsom.
+
+
+        MCCCXXIV.--EQUITABLE LAW.
+
+A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of
+fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a
+portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share
+of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the
+will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for
+the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain
+for ourselves the other nine."--"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth
+part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he
+is to have what part '_pleaseth you_.'"
+
+
+        MCCCXXV.--IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.
+
+WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to
+the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty
+never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"--"O, kings never does; we lets
+'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye,"
+says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found
+nobody to _pay the turnpike for him_." Tom Moore told this story to Sir
+Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits.
+"Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us:
+there was no want of enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done
+anything in the world for his majesty, except _pay the turnpike_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXVI.--RUNNING ACCOUNTS.
+
+THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore
+told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him
+the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was
+desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages
+are _running on_."--"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am
+afraid they are _running_ so fast, that I shall never _catch_ them."
+
+
+        MCCCXXVII.--ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.
+
+    BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name
+    Ensures continuance to thy fame;
+    Both sense and truth this verdict give.
+    While _fields_ shall _bloom_, thy name shall live!
+
+
+        MCCCXXVIII.--SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.
+
+A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with
+great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The
+robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had
+experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that
+the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the
+hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him,"
+said one of the rogues: "if he had had _eighteen-pence_ I suppose he
+would have _killed_ the whole of us."
+
+
+        MCCCXXIX.--IRISH IMPRUDENCE.
+
+IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was
+attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic
+Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted
+the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a
+message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a
+gracious reception from the great man, who praised his loyalty and
+courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to
+be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a
+moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a
+_Scotchman_ of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my
+gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the
+_mal-apropos_ hit, replied, "Make a _Scotchman_ of _you_, sir! that's
+impossible, for I can't give you _prudence_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXX.--THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.
+
+THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and
+crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered
+round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to
+see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a
+large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs
+for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got
+but one _silver spoon_ among them all."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXI.--A FALSE FACE TRUE.
+
+    THAT there is _falsehood_ in his looks
+    I must and will deny;
+    They say their master is a knave:
+    And sure _they do not lie_.
+
+
+        MCCCXXXII.--A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.
+
+A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do
+something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of
+gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair
+which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones
+shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for _us and our heirs_
+for ever."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXIII.--THE SAFE SIDE.
+
+DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their
+houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "_No
+Popery_!" Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid
+all mistakes, wrote on his, "_No Religion_!"
+
+
+        MCCCXXXIV.--VISIBLY LOSING.
+
+IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully
+Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate,
+appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a
+very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was
+struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in
+the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he
+met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry!
+why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."--"Alas! Egan, it is but
+too visible that you're losing _tallow_ (Tallagh) fast!"
+
+
+        MCCCXXXV.--REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.
+
+    "HARRY, I cannot think," says Dick,
+    "What makes my ankles grow so thick."
+    "You do not recollect," says Harry,
+    "_How great a calf_ they have to carry."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXVI.--ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.
+
+ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was
+entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the _errors_ of Luther. "My lord,"
+answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken,
+and nothing more difficult than to _prove_ him so."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXVII.--SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
+
+SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took
+great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been
+directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity.
+"_But_," said Sheridan, "_what his Royal Highness more particularly
+prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXVIII.--FAIRLY WON.
+
+THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by
+his _nom-de-plume_ of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was
+enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow,
+D----, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when,
+looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart,
+and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."--"Go thy
+way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way,
+and----"--"The pie's _yours_, sir!" exclaimed D----, placing it before
+the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.
+
+
+        MCCCXXXIX.--A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed
+at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to
+greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At
+last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at
+least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he
+roared into the ear of the postilion: "_Westmoreland, Cumberland,
+Northumberland, Durham_!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous
+threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.
+
+
+        MCCCXL.--ON THE FOUR GEORGES.
+
+    GEORGE the First was always reckoned
+    Vile,--but viler, George the Second;
+    And what mortal ever heard
+    Any good of George the Third?
+    When from earth the Fourth descended,
+    God be praised, the Georges ended.
+
+
+        MCCCXLI.--WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.
+
+HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and
+having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door.
+"I want my umbrella."--"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go
+to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an
+umbrella?"--"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as _I_
+did, _borrow one_!"
+
+
+        MCCCXLII.--WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?
+
+LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the
+House of Commons a vote of £400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon
+of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties
+of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the
+Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question
+from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger
+went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"--"An
+archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an
+ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with
+this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought
+to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop
+himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such
+answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a
+saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days,
+who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and
+when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account
+of its _lavendric_ properties."
+
+
+        MCCCXLIII.--"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S
+        DAY, 1787."
+
+    THE City-feast inverted here we find,
+    For Pitt had his _dessert_ before he dined.
+
+
+        MCCCXLIV.--LATIMER.
+
+THE pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated
+at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the
+Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by
+younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the
+_fathers_, said, "I cannot talk for my _religion_, but I am ready to die
+for it."
+
+
+        MCCCXLV.--EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.
+
+A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend
+had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he
+attained the age of _one hundred_.
+
+
+        MCCCXLVI.--A NEW IDEA.
+
+ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one
+of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the
+Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only
+there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not
+distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long)
+_ide-a_. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek
+derivation."--"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes
+from the word _ideaowski_."--"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"--"It
+is the _feminine_ of idiot, madam!"
+
+
+        MCCCXLVII--THE POOR CURATE.
+
+    FOR the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search,
+    But the Curate you'll find _living hard_ by the church.
+
+
+        MCCCXLVIII.--NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.
+
+SIR GODFREY KNELLER and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and
+were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the
+doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it.
+Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent
+to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his
+rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but _paint_
+it."--"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I
+will _take anything from him, except physic_."
+
+
+        MCCCXLIX.--A HEAVY WEIGHT.
+
+MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in
+height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered
+about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering
+bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry, "_or I
+will roll upon you_." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed
+the following epigram:--
+
+    That the stones of our chapel are both black and white,
+      Is most undeniably true;
+    But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night,
+      It's a wonder they're not _black and blue_.
+
+
+        MCCCL.--A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.
+
+GIBBON, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren
+Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there,
+took occasion to mention "the luminous author of _The Decline and
+Fall_." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with
+flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You
+called him the luminous author."--"Luminous! Oh, I meant _vo_luminous!"
+
+
+        MCCCLI.--"SINKING" THE WELL.
+
+THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What
+are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer.
+"Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite
+wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let _well_ alone.'"
+
+
+        MCCCLII.--ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.
+
+    IN reading his name it may truly be said,
+    You will make that man _dy_ if you cut off his _Hed_.
+
+
+        MCCCLIII.--THE WAY TO KEW.
+
+HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says:
+"One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given _C A
+B_ to find _Q_. _Answer_: Take your _C A B_ through Hammersmith, turn to
+the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before
+you."
+
+
+        MCCCLIV.--ABOVE PROOF.
+
+AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack,
+to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship
+being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all
+in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow
+appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The
+captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell
+from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out,
+"Why, please your honor, I _tapped the Governor_."
+
+
+        MCCCLV.--AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.
+
+MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a
+dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days";
+the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend
+asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a shilling!" was the
+reply. "Not a shilling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why,
+didn't you go there _to star_?"--"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful
+mournfulness; "but they spell it with a _ve_ in Wakefield."
+
+
+        MCCCLVI.--MISS WILBERFORCE.
+
+WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable
+and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of
+the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was
+saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce _for ever_!" when she pleasantly
+observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for
+really, I do not wish to be _Miss Wilberforce for ever_!"
+
+
+        MCCCLVII.--WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.
+
+    WHY should we explain, that the times are so bad,
+      Pursuing a querulous strain?
+    When Erin gives up all the rights that she had,
+      What _right has she left to complain_?
+
+
+        MCCCLVIII.--A COOL PROPOSITION.
+
+AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one
+of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's;
+whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very
+modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to
+know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast
+at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being
+but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray
+oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him
+in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,--say you
+are bringing with you the _cool of the evening_."
+
+
+        MCCCLIX.--A PROPER NAME.
+
+WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the
+purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman
+asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much
+identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of
+performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything
+you attempt, suppose you call it _Abbatoir_."
+
+
+        MCCCLX.--THE GRANDSON.
+
+HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same
+indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen
+Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third.
+"But," added he, "there is nothing new under the _sun_!"--"No," said
+George Selwyn, "nor under the _grand-son_!"
+
+
+        MCCCLXI.--AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.
+
+A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to
+Providence, and be satisfied with his _lot_. "Ah!" replied the needy
+man, "I should be satisfied with his _lot_ if I had it, but I can't get
+even a _little_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXII.--TO LADY, MOUNT E----, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.
+
+    O DRY that tear so round and big,
+      Nor waste in sighs your precious wind;
+    Death only takes _a single pig_--
+      Your _lord and son_ are still behind.
+
+
+        MCCCLXIII.--NATURAL.
+
+MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she
+snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite
+innocently; "I never _lay awake_ long enough to diskiver."
+
+
+        MCCCLXIV.--BROTHERLY LOVE.
+
+AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to
+be near his brother, who was a corporal _in the 76th_.
+
+
+        MCCCLXV.--A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.
+
+MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his
+proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of
+_The Gamester_. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of
+the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so
+affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's
+distress in the last act?"--"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend
+to _put them into the Ecclesiastical Court_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXVI.--CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.
+
+    "TAXES are equal is a dogma which
+      I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor;
+    "Taxation _hardly presses_ on the rich,
+      And likewise _presses hardly_ on the poor."
+
+
+        MCCCLXVII.--THE BEST WINE.
+
+SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of
+_other people_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXVIII.--A VALUABLE BEAVER.
+
+A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of
+the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out
+to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to
+the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said:
+"Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"--"Why did
+you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined
+Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to _your
+Beaver_" (Belvoir).
+
+
+        MCCCLXIX.--SOMETHING TO POCKET.
+
+A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked
+by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied
+that he was an attorney,--"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put
+you in my pocket."--"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if
+you do, you will have more law in your _pocket_ than ever you had in
+your _head_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXX.--UP AND DOWN.
+
+AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size
+as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of
+Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same
+case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
+acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
+motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses
+the court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said
+Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat
+confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I _am sitting_, my lord," was the
+reply to the confounded Chancellor.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXI.--A POOR SUBSTITUTE.
+
+THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the
+former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While
+seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked
+him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am _when I can't get cream_,"
+was the ready reply.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXII.--OUT OF SPIRITS.
+
+    "IS my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh,
+      As her voice of a tempest gave warning.
+    "Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply,
+      "For she _finished_ the bottle this morning."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXIII.--GOOD AT THE HALT.
+
+PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had
+an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time
+of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the
+different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers
+was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend,
+these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the
+lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."--"You follow the camp, my little
+limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never
+can be a disciplinarian."--"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally.
+"For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march,
+you would _halt_!"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXIV.--AN EASY WAY.
+
+A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy
+way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and
+cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you
+leave all the _uneasiness_ to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it
+not enough that one should be sorry for what _neither of you can help_?"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXV.--ERUDITE.
+
+A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called _Perchance_. "A singular
+name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find
+it?"--"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember
+where he says, '_Perchance_ my dog will howl.'"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXVI.--VERY EASY.
+
+ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must,
+however, mortify ourselves _a little_."--"Well," replied the other, "let
+us make our _servants fast_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXVII.--A WINNER AT CARDS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully
+situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered,
+"To a _card-maker_."--"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all
+that man's _cards_ must have been _trumps_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THE charity of Closefist give to fame,
+    He has at last _subscribed_--how much?--_his name_.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXIX.--AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.
+
+THE play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative
+of _Glo'ster_ was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was
+found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as
+the scene where _Glo'ster had his eyes put out_, when he came to a stand
+still, and was obliged to beg permission to _read_ the rest of the part.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXX.--SMALL TALK.
+
+FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting
+perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald
+disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one
+another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature,
+he suddenly exclaimed, "_We had pork for dinner to-day_."--"Dear me! Mr.
+Fuseli, what an odd remark."--"Why, it is _as good_ as anything you have
+been saying for _the last hour_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXI.--RATHER FEROCIOUS.
+
+AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was
+interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am I," said he, indignantly, "to be
+teased by the barking of this _jackal_ while I am attacking the royal
+_tiger_ of Bengal?"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXII.--ONLY FOR LIFE.
+
+A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said
+with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your
+life," answered by asking, "And for how _many lives_ does your Grace
+hold yours?"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXIII.--AN OUTLINE.
+
+WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
+to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether
+the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered,
+he did not know, but they had sent "the _outline of an ambassador_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXIV.--ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.
+
+    ON Waterloo's ensanguined plain,
+    Full many a gallant man lies slain;
+    But none, by bullet or by shot,
+    Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXV.--UGLY TRADES.
+
+THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
+grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
+with a great deal of enjoyment.--D.J.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXVI.--A GOOD CHARACTER.
+
+AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with
+respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed _afraid_ of
+work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently _lie
+down_ and fall asleep by the very _side of it_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXVII.--SENSIBILITY.
+
+A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was
+made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who
+accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my
+heart, sir, your _cough_ was better."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXVIII.--PATIENCE.
+
+WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke
+happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit
+down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke,
+happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the
+Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the
+commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not
+think much of it; but there is so much _propriety_ in putting a volume
+upon _patience_ in the room where every visitor has to wait for your
+Grace, that _here_ it must be considered as one of the _best books in
+the world_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXIX.--WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?
+
+    _Quest._ WHY is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?
+
+    _Ans._ Because it is a slender thing of wood,
+          That up and down its awkward arm doth sway,
+          And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away,
+           In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!
+
+
+        MCCCXC.--NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."
+
+ARCHDEACON PALEY was in very high spirits when he was presented to his
+first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just
+after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely,
+"Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another
+behind some _curate_."
+
+
+        MCCCXCI.--A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER.
+
+"SIR," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you
+tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the
+piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If
+you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the _three and
+four-pence_."
+
+
+        MCCCXCII.--A MAN OF METAL.
+
+EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He
+answered, "A dealer in old iron."--"Then," said the counsel, "you must
+of course be a thief."--"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a
+dealer in _iron_ must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in
+_brass_."
+
+
+        MCCCXCIII.--SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.
+
+    "BE less prolix," says Grill. I like advice.
+    "Grill, you're an ass!" Now, surely, that's concise.
+
+
+        MCCCXCIV.--A DROP.
+
+DEAN SWIFT was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the
+antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too
+freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with
+De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished;
+"And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece
+of that _D--umpling_?"
+
+
+        MCCCXCV.--ERROR IN JUDGMENT.
+
+AN author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person.
+"It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for
+he says that you are a charlatan."--"O," replied the other, "I think it
+very likely that _both of us_ may be mistaken."
+
+
+        MCCCXCVI.--THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.
+
+    A MECHANIC his labor will often discard,
+      If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
+    But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard--
+      Will continue to work though it _strikes_!
+
+
+        MCCCXCVII.--THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.
+
+A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had
+concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the
+youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to
+borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not
+_deceive_ me twice."
+
+
+        MCCCXCVIII.--A SPEAKING CANVAS.
+
+SOME of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they
+never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True,"
+answered he; "for the best will always _praise_ themselves."
+
+
+        MCCCXCIX.--INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH, writing in the _Edinburgh Review_, says, "If the English
+were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to
+_dig_ and _plough_, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the
+_better for it_."
+
+
+        MCD.--OCULAR.
+
+TAYLOR says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married
+a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the
+conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances
+he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."--"No wonder,"
+said I, "you were fond of a _Leer_ when you married an _Ogle_."
+
+
+        MCDI.--ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE
+        REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.
+
+    YE politicians, tell me, pray,
+      Why thus with woe and care rent?
+    This is the worst that you can say,
+    Some wind has blown the wig away,
+      And left the _Hair Apparent_.
+
+
+        MCDII.--AN APT REPROOF.
+
+MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in
+the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he
+sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General
+immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met
+with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I
+drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this
+villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on
+board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand
+and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The
+rascal should have taken care how he used me, for _I never
+forgive_."--"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him,
+"_you never sin_." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and
+putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he
+threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave
+better for the future."
+
+
+        MCDIII.--THE LAME BEGGAR.
+
+    "I AM unable," yonder beggar cries,
+    "To _stand or move_." If he says true, he _lies_.
+
+
+        MCDIV.--HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.
+
+HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral
+ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a
+snug family vault we have made here."--"_Family vault_!" said Foote,
+with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family
+_oven_."
+
+
+        MCDV.--PRETTY.
+
+HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.
+
+
+        MCDVI.--NOT IMPROBABLE.
+
+A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked
+by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and
+crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the
+attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs
+lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied,
+"_Perhaps they took no physic_."
+
+
+        MCDVII.--SOUGHT AND FOUND.
+
+THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along
+the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a
+mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one;
+"Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob,"
+cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the
+old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his
+father's _asses_, and lo! here I have found them."
+
+
+        MCDVIII.--NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.
+
+    "PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place,
+      Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?"
+            "No, please your grace,"
+            Cried Boniface,
+            With some grimace,
+      "_Sometimes it snows_."
+
+
+        MCDIX.--A REMARKABLE ECHO.
+
+A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late
+Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr.
+Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his
+charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its
+lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lordship hear a
+remarkable _echo in the court_?"
+
+
+        MCDX.--A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.
+
+THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor,
+and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she
+secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have I
+not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied, with
+downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you not
+allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?"--"Exactly
+so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call _him_ an actor."
+
+
+        MCDXI.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.
+
+FRANKLIN was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of
+atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by
+another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"
+
+
+        MCDXII.--A SOPORIFIC.
+
+A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his
+speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should
+never quarrel with _the effect_ of his own medicine."
+
+
+        MCDXIII.--THE AMENDE HONORABLE.
+
+    QUOTH Will, "On that young servant-maid
+      My heart its life-string stakes."
+    "Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid,
+      She pays for _all she breaks_."
+
+
+        MCDXIV.--ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.
+
+A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to
+represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had
+lost one. He painted the former with a _shirt on_, and the latter
+_naked_.
+
+
+        MCDXV.--MILITARY ELOQUENCE.
+
+AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of
+the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his
+soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows,
+go and _clothe_ yourselves."
+
+
+        MCDXVI.--CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.
+
+THE late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy.
+During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before
+him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and
+whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his
+conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"--"Suppose I do; what of
+that? If your Highness of York wishes to be well, let me tell you,"
+added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in
+his campaigns, _cut off the supplies_, and the enemy will quickly leave
+the citadel."
+
+
+        MCDXVII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THE proverb says, and no one e'er disputes,
+    "Nature the shoulder to the burden suits";
+    Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head,
+    Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.
+
+
+        MCDXVIII.--A FOWL JOKE.
+
+A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the _hens_ (_N_)
+division. "Do you mean in the _Poultry_?" asked the Judge.
+
+
+        MCDXIX.--AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.
+
+IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On
+one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was
+his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards
+in London, and talking of his _great expenses_, he asked the ex-Master
+of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his
+last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a _fortnight_."
+
+
+        MCDXX.--OLD FRIENDS.
+
+COLEMAN, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes,"
+replied the wit; "_Hook_ and _eye_ are old associates."
+
+
+        MCDXXI.--A REASON.
+
+"I WISH you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you
+there," was the answer. "Why?"--"Because I never wish _to see you
+again_!"
+
+
+        MCDXXII.--HONOR.
+
+DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large
+sum of money as a reward to him who should first drive a fascine into a
+ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers
+offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "_We
+should have all offered_," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money
+_had not been set as the price of this action_."
+
+
+        MCDXXIII.--JUST AS WONDERFUL.
+
+A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you
+ever see a _cat-fish_?"--"No," was the response, "but I've seen a
+_rope-walk_."
+
+
+        MCDXXIV.--CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.
+
+"WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a
+friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."--"Just
+like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"--"_My
+wife_."
+
+
+        MCDXXV.--QUESTION ANSWERED.
+
+THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, "Where
+is my fellow?"--"_Not in England_, I'll swear," said a bystander.
+
+
+        MCDXXVI.--VERY LIKELY.
+
+AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "_Cheap_
+defence of nations," replied, "A midshipman's _half-pay_,--nothing a-day
+and find yourself."
+
+
+        MCDXXVII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    DIED suddenly,--surprised at such a rarity!
+    Verdict,--Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.
+
+
+        MCDXXVIII.--A GRUNT.
+
+"DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother
+very entertaining."--"Sir," said Johnson, "_I can wait_."
+
+
+        MCDXXIX.--ONE FAULT.
+
+"SHE is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis, of one well
+known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her _only_
+defect."
+
+
+        MCDXXX.--TO THE "COMING" MAN.
+
+    SMART waiter, be contented with thy state,
+    The world is his who best knows how to wait.
+
+
+        MCDXXXI.--NOTHING TO BOAST OF.
+
+"THE British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun
+never sets."--"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the
+_tax-gatherer_ never goes to bed."
+
+
+        MCDXXXII.--COLONIAL BREWERIES.
+
+WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event
+more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its
+_first brewhouse?_--S.S.
+
+
+        MCDXXXIII.--A CLOSER.
+
+SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door
+of a house, "Let _nothing_ enter here but what is _good_."--"Then where
+will _the master_ go in?" asked a cynic.
+
+
+        MCDXXXIV.--THE FOOL OR KNAVE.
+
+    THY praise or dispraise is to me alike;
+    One doth not _stroke_ me, nor the other _strike_.
+
+
+        MCDXXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.
+
+AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his
+way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day,
+said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"--"No," replied the
+baron; "whom did _he rob_?"
+
+
+        MCDXXXVI.--A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.
+
+AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad
+causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many _good_ ones,
+that I am quite at a loss which to take."
+
+
+        MCDXXXVII.--SELF-APPLAUSE.
+
+SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they
+are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for
+approbation.--S.S.
+
+
+        MCDXXXVIII.--A WOODEN JOKE.
+
+BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy _oak_ at Westminster, and a
+_willow_ at St James's."
+
+
+        MCDXXXIX.--AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.
+
+A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a
+tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him.
+"Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the
+_tide_ tarrieth for no man."
+
+
+        MCDXL.--THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.
+
+A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as
+reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more
+terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and _hear
+it_."
+
+
+        MCDXLI.--ALL THE SAME.
+
+IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty,
+as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and
+thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book
+him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing
+intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places
+left, so I booked you _one in_ and _one out_."
+
+
+        MCDXLII.--THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.
+
+I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of
+the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come,"
+said he, "for your good--_for all your goods_."--"A universal
+principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other
+truths, only _told by mistake_."
+
+
+        MCDXLIII.--DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD'S IVORY OPERA PASS.
+
+    SHIELD, while the supplicating poor
+      Ask thee for _meat_ with piteous moans;
+    More humble I approach thy door,
+      And beg for nothing but thy _bones_.
+
+
+        MCDXLIV.--COOKING HIS GOOSE.
+
+THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the
+awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his
+tailor's _fault_."--"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his _misfortune_
+too!"
+
+
+        MCDXLV.--TAKE WARNING!
+
+A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to
+claim the _coat_ upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit,
+he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my _coat_, I should, too
+late, find that I was deprived of my _waistcoat_ also."
+
+
+        MCDXLVI.--"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."
+
+HOOD says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its _broad brim_."
+
+
+        MCDXLVII.--CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.
+
+DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the
+landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges
+were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I _pass_
+this account; if I live, I'll _examine it_."
+
+
+        MCDXLVIII.--ON A SQUINTING POETESS.
+
+    TO no _one_ muse does she her glance confine,
+    But has an eye, at once, to _all the nine_.
+
+
+        MCDXLIX.--A NEAT SUGGESTION.
+
+A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his
+neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As
+you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece
+of _soap_ and a _nailbrush_."
+
+
+        MCDL.--SCOTCH "WUT."
+
+IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well
+into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that
+inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in
+the North, and which, under the name of _Wut_, is so infinitely
+distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated
+intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love
+metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance
+in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my
+lord, is very true of love in the _aibstract_, but----" Here the
+fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.
+
+
+        MCDLI.--WHERE IT CAME FROM.
+
+A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face
+and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the
+glass, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get
+_such a nose_ as this?"--"Out of the _decanter, madam_," replied the
+doctor.
+
+
+        MCDLII.--QUIN AND CHARLES I.
+
+QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of
+Charles I.,--"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?"
+Quin replied, "By all the _laws_ that he had _left them_."
+
+
+        MCDLIII.--TIMELY FLATTERY.
+
+A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was
+between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch,
+madam, makes us _remember_ the hours, and you make us _forget_ them."
+
+
+        MCDLIV.--EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.
+
+    TO gull the public two contractors come,
+    One pilfers corn,--the other cheats in rum.
+    Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain,
+    A rogue in _spirit_, or a rogue in _grain_?
+
+
+        MCDLV.--TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.
+
+A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone _through
+Euclid_, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a _small village_
+between Wigan and Preston.
+
+
+        MCDLVI.--AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.
+
+A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of
+saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress
+was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is
+de _pink_ of beauty."--"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always
+flatter."--"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world
+will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de _drab_ of
+fashion."
+
+
+        MCDLVII.--A CLOSE TRANSLATION.
+
+A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of
+Juvenal, said, "What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of
+your translation is, that _in places where I do not understand Juvenal,
+I likewise do not understand you_."
+
+
+        MCDLVIII.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.
+
+A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
+expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are
+brothers,--_brothers-in-law_."
+
+
+        MCDLIX.--ONLY A NINEPIN.
+
+THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of
+boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were
+facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus
+designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of
+Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm,
+which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox,
+entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of
+Sheridan what the House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence,"
+replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of _Lord Lonsdale's
+ninepins_."
+
+
+        MCDLX.--DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE
+COMPOSER.
+
+    SON of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch,
+      Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones),
+    Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
+      And for to-morrow's _treat_ pray send thy _bones_!
+
+
+        MCDLXI.--DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.
+
+ONE evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was
+present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was
+referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion
+that the lower animals have an "immortal part," familiarly remarked to
+the doctor, "Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know
+what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True,
+sir; and when we see a very foolish _fellow_, we don't know what to
+think of _him_."
+
+
+        MCDLXII.--A PROFESSIONAL AIM.
+
+IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the
+other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that
+had his friend been engaged with a _client_ he would very probably have
+_hit his pocket_.
+
+
+        MCDLXIII.--FLYING COLORS.
+
+SIR GODFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise,
+and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors,
+which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend,
+noticing it to him, said, "What do you think posterity will say, Sir
+Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?"--"Say!"
+replied the artist: "why, they'll say Sir Godfrey Kneller _never_
+painted them!"
+
+
+        MCDLXIV.--AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.
+
+A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a valuable property;
+and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he
+had _entertained his proposition_. "No," replied the other, "your
+proposition _entertained me_."
+
+
+        MCDLXV.--UNION OF OPPOSITES.
+
+A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and
+benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, "that
+doubtless those were the persons _who would kill one with kindness_."
+
+
+        MCDLXVI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On ----'s Veracity.)
+
+    HE boasts about the truth I've heard,
+      And vows he'd never break it;
+    Why, zounds, a man _must_ keep his word
+      When nobody will take it.
+
+
+        MCDLXVII.--AN UNTAXED LUXURY.
+
+A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax
+on "_the single state_"; "Yes, madam," rejoined an obstinate old
+bachelor, "as on all other _luxuries_."
+
+
+        MCDLXVIII.--A DEAR SPEAKER.
+
+SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on
+the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his
+maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: "And now, _my dear_ Mr.
+Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had
+subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was
+perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days _everything
+is dear_."
+
+
+        MCDLXIX.--ABSURDLY LOGICAL.
+
+A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and
+is, therefore, of _greater_ importance than any other _mad person_ of
+the same degree in life.
+
+
+        MCDLXX.--PROOF POSITIVE.
+
+A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a
+gentleman present, "there is a _bitter_ cold day."
+
+
+        MCDLXXI.--PLAYER, OR LORD.
+
+ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general
+murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not
+distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity
+'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should _be a player_!"
+Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied: "Why! what
+would your lordship have me be?--a lord?"
+
+
+        MCDLXXII.--IN MEMORIAM.
+
+    SOYER is gone! Then be it said,
+    At last, indeed, great PAN is dead.
+
+
+        MCDLXXIII.--PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.
+
+SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding,
+was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the
+road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the
+sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant
+replied in the negative. "I zee, zur," said the rustic, grinning, "yer
+_ploughshare_ saved ye!"
+
+
+        MCDLXXIV.--A SHARP BRUSH.
+
+SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager,
+desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre,
+and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who
+combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and
+painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."--"Did you?"
+said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure,
+have known you were a Fox by your _brush_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXV.--NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.
+
+THERE was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of
+Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one
+day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl
+called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."--"Do ye ken," said
+Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"--"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil
+do ye ken _whether this be the road or no_?"
+
+
+        MCDLXXVI.--PICKING POCKETS.
+
+    "THESE beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,
+    "Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!"
+    "Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head,
+    "Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.
+    That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,
+    'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder;
+    In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,
+    I saw a rogue _picking a pocket_ of hops."
+
+
+        MCDLXXVII.--HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.
+
+A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great
+resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that
+the prophet is disposed to _husband his resources_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXVIII.--SMOOTHING IT DOWN.
+
+A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very
+rough paper, sir."--"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has
+to be _filed_ before it comes into court."
+
+
+        MCDLXXIX.--MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.
+
+CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action
+for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put
+his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant
+to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that
+_waist_ for _common_?"
+
+
+        MCDLXXX.--A HOPELESS INVASION.
+
+ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in
+1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part,
+he could only say that they should not _come by water_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXI.--DROLL TO ORDER.
+
+ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ----, tell us a
+lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of
+the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are
+such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you,"
+replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged _to eat fire_ at the
+Countess of ----, and _stand upon my head_ at Mrs. ----."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXII.--MEN OF WEIGHT.
+
+    IF fat men ride, they tire the horse,
+    And if they walk themselves--that's worse:
+    Travel at all, they are at best,
+    Either oppressors or opprest.
+
+
+        MCDLXXXIII.--CHEMICAL ODDITY.
+
+WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a
+blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the
+difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he;
+"by oxygin we mean pure _gin_; and by hydrogin, _gin and water_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXIV.--AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.
+
+CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the
+principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's _poor
+relations_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXV.--HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."
+
+LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful
+of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to
+a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to
+find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming
+with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a
+good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this
+way."--"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at
+the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to _sing,
+guv'ner_?"
+
+
+        MCDLXXXVI.--DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.
+
+A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring
+chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed,
+was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he
+who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a
+short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,--but my curses
+rest upon my son _if ever he does_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXVII.--A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.
+
+    WHETHER tall men or short men are best,
+      Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
+    I can't say, but this I protest,
+      All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.
+
+
+        MCDLXXXVIII.--A DEAR BARGAIN.
+
+QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent
+young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I
+am?"--"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be _almost
+as foolish_!"
+
+
+        MCDLXXXIX.--SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.
+
+LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury
+Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "_Maid
+and the Magpie_" exceedingly natural. "I really am no _judge_," answered
+his lordship, "I was never _innocent_ of stealing a spoon."
+
+
+        MCDXC.--NO INTRUSION.
+
+A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to
+Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your
+attention."--"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of
+_something else_."
+
+
+        MCDXCI.--EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.
+
+A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of _experimental_ and
+_natural_ philosophy, said he considered the _first_ to be asking a man
+to discount a bill at a long date, and the _second_ his refusing to do
+it.
+
+
+        MCDXCII.--NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.
+
+A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his
+disgraceful situation, and the _anxiety_ of a debtor being urged by them
+in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a
+person who _thinks_ of paying."
+
+
+        MCDXCIII.--ODD HUMOR.
+
+WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called
+to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to
+Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my
+room. If I am _alive_, I shall be glad to see him; if I am _dead_, I am
+sure that he will be delighted to see me."
+
+
+        MCDXCIV.--A TICKLISH OPENING.
+
+HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of
+Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client,
+the defendant, my lord,"--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by
+laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes)
+exclaimed, "_Tickle him yourself_, Harry; you are as able to do so as I
+am."
+
+
+        MCDXCV.--THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.
+
+HOOD suggests that the phrase "_republic_ of letters" was hit upon to
+insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not
+got a _sovereign_ amongst them.
+
+
+        MCDXCVI.--AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.
+
+A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him
+that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead.
+"But," says the other, "you find the report false."--"'Tis hard to
+determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I
+would _sooner take than yours_."
+
+
+        MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.
+
+A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in
+an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not
+worthy that the sun should shine on you."--"I am truly sensible of my
+unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in
+the _shade_."
+
+
+        MCDXCVIII.--AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.
+
+CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on
+some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in
+a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to
+his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "_but don't indorse my
+sins upon their backs_."
+
+
+        MCDXCIX.--A PLUMPER.
+
+A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a
+very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the
+pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the
+election, _for he had nobody's voice against him but his own_."
+
+
+        MD.--A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.
+
+IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate
+House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the
+questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate
+returned the following laconic answer: "An _exemption_ from _Payne_."
+
+
+        MDI.--BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.
+
+A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for
+relaxation, makes a _business_ of his _pleasure_.
+
+
+        MDII.--INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.
+
+A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he
+had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if
+such were the case?"--"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as
+you have just been _tolled_."
+
+
+        MDIII.--A WALKING STICK.
+
+AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man
+protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that
+the stick could never have walked off with itself."--"Certainly not,
+sir, unless it was a _walking-stick_."
+
+
+        MDIV.--CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.
+
+IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are
+ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience.
+The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was
+walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent,
+who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had
+enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly
+exclaimed the Duke; "but don't _keep me in the cold_."
+
+
+        MDV.--A REASON FOR BELIEF.
+
+"DO you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney
+Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the
+moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, _who is so like
+Judas_."
+
+
+        MDVI.--OPENLY.
+
+    NO, Varus hates a thing that's base;
+      I own, indeed, he's got a knack
+    Of flattering people to their face,
+      But scorns to do 't behind their back.
+
+
+        MDVII.--PAINTED CHARMS.
+
+OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of
+carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop
+about her, with a notice upon it, '_Beware of the paint_.'"
+
+
+        MDVIII.--ON THE SPOT.
+
+TWO Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on
+the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a
+_Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that is _far-fetched_."--"No,
+indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the _spot_."
+
+
+        MDIX.--MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.
+
+IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to
+the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller
+objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and
+demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these
+emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be
+obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I
+know _my duty_ as well as your lordship knows _your duty_. I stand here
+as the advocate of a fellow citizen, _and I will not sit down_." The
+judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.
+
+
+        MDX.--A SHUFFLING ANSWER.
+
+A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah!
+madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;--in the
+first place consider the _loss of time_."--"That's just what I do," said
+she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in _shuffling and
+dealing_."
+
+
+        MDXI.--THE DEBT PAID.
+
+    TO _John_ I owed great obligation;
+      But _John_, unhappily, thought fit
+    To publish it to all the nation:
+      Sure _John_ and I am more than quit.
+
+
+        MDXII.--A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.
+
+JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his _At
+Home_, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention.
+At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and
+pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what _does it all go to
+prove_?"
+
+
+        MDXIII.--AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.
+
+GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for
+the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain
+occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings
+he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to
+prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the
+general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts
+filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having
+previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub
+your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water,
+and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping
+yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a
+flesh-brush."--"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or
+two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's
+self."--"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "_it is open to that
+objection_."
+
+
+        MDXIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)
+
+    FOR Buckingham to hope to pit
+      His bill against Lord Grey's is idle;
+    Reform, when offered _bit_ by _bit_,
+      Is but intended for a _bridle_.
+
+
+        MDXV.--A DREADFUL SUSPICION.
+
+A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson
+asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor,
+"and I should be loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know
+deserves it, but I am afraid he is an _attorney_."
+
+
+        MDXVI.--A FAMILIAR FRIEND.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young
+gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's
+jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the
+young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of
+Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't
+_clap him_ on the back, and call him Howley."
+
+
+        MDXVII.--NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.
+
+LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did
+not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason
+for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his
+lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I would _subscribe too_."
+
+
+        MDXVIII.--PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.
+
+A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who
+immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the
+doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen
+to afford you any relief, _please to let me know_, as I am myself
+suffering from _a similar affection_, and have tried _in vain to cure
+it_."
+
+
+        MDXIX.--TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.
+
+LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time,
+one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."--"Don't
+say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do
+they will certainly _tax_ it."
+
+
+        MDXX.--FASHION AND VIRTUE.
+
+    "WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain
+    Is always right," cries sprightly Jane;
+    "Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue,
+    "What's _right_ were fashionable too."
+
+
+        MDXXI.--PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much,
+and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."--"Addison!"
+echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"--"I can't say:
+but this I know, he is seldom without his _Steel_ by his side."
+
+
+        MDXXII.--WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.
+
+A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the
+master of this house?"--"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been
+_dead these three weeks_."
+
+
+        MDXXIII.--PRECAUTIONARY.
+
+LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord
+Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith
+was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his
+corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may
+not _swallow John_! There are, however, _stomach-pumps_ in case of
+accident."
+
+
+        MDXXIV.--A LATE DISCOVERER.
+
+A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long
+discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical
+views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When
+he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then,
+sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not
+_altogether a moral man_."
+
+
+        MDXXV.--LINES TO O'KEEFE.
+
+(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)
+
+          THEY say, O'Keefe,
+          Thou art a thief,
+    That half thy works are stolen or more;
+          I say O'Keefe,
+          Thou art no thief,
+    Such stuff was never writ before!
+
+
+        MDXXVI.--PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.
+
+A YOUNG lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a
+friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied
+by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My _profession_ is much better
+than my _practice_."
+
+
+        MDXXVII.--A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.
+
+MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a _free_ and _easy_ actor, who
+told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the
+Marquis and Marchioness of ----, _without any invitation_. He had gone
+there on the assumption that as my lord and lady were not on _speaking
+terms_, _each_ would suppose the _other_ had asked him, and so it turned
+out.
+
+
+        MDXXVIII.--WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.
+
+JUDGE CLAYTON was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after
+he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with
+Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his
+legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of
+Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but
+then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just
+the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are
+so very contradictory, that I protest _I don't understand
+them_."--"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "_that is what we all say_."
+
+
+        MDXXIX.--A MICHAELMAS MEETING.
+
+SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he
+generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was
+riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met
+by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for
+sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a _tailor_ on
+the road?"--"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little
+further, I should meet a _goose_."
+
+
+        MDXXX.--A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.
+
+THE editor of the _Evangelical Observer_, in reference to a certain
+person, took occasion to write that he was _rectus in ecclesia_, _i.e._,
+in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence,
+converted it into _rectus in culina_, which although not very bad Latin,
+altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman _a good
+standing in the kitchen_.
+
+
+        MDXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(Upon the trustworthiness of ---- ----.)
+
+    HE'LL keep a secret well, or I'm deceived,
+    For what he says will never be believed.
+
+
+        MDXXXII.--GOING TO EXTREMES.
+
+WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed
+that "they began too late and ended too soon."
+
+
+        MDXXXIII.--SILENT APPRECIATION.
+
+A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and
+drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's
+want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which
+the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent
+wine. "But you said nothing of _the first_" remarked his host "O,"
+replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. _It
+spoke for itself._ I thought the second wanted a _trumpeter_."
+
+
+        MDXXXIV.--JUSTICE MIDAS.
+
+A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into
+a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to be
+sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an ass being made a judge,
+but a horse never."
+
+
+        MDXXXV.--A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.
+
+AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends,
+one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of _old_ port."--"Waiter,"
+added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a
+bottle of your _old_ port, not your _elder_ port."
+
+
+        MDXXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.
+
+WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a
+friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."--"Why?" was the
+response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor--_your money or your
+life_."
+
+
+        MDXXXVII.--EUCLID REFUTED.
+
+    "A PART," says Euclid, "one at once may see,
+    Unto the whole can never equal be";
+    Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control,
+    Of them a part is equal to the whole.
+
+
+        MDXXXVIII.--KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.
+
+BURKE once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let
+Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had
+the folly to _write_ it, I had the wit to keep it _to myself_."
+
+
+        MDXXXIX.--CLASSICAL WIT.
+
+DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey
+Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid,
+in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:--
+
+    "'Semper tibi _pendeat hamus_,'
+
+May you always have a _ham_ hanging in your kitchen." The doctor
+insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in
+the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,--
+
+    "'Amant _te_ omnes mulieres.'"
+                     _Miles Glor._, Act i., sc. i., v. 58.
+
+Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you
+follow the old advice we both learned at school, [Greek: Charizou tê
+Psychê], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner,
+which he thus eulogized:--
+
+    "'Hoc tum sævas paulatim mitigat iras,
+        Hoc minuit luctus moestaque corda levat.'"
+                   _Ov. Trist._, lib. iv., _el._ vi., v. 15, 16.
+
+
+        MDXL.--A PREFERABLE WAY.
+
+ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera
+singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the
+conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are
+murdering the music!"--"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is
+far better to murder it outright, than to keep on _beating it as you
+do_."
+
+
+        MDXLI.--A STOUT SWIMMER.
+
+SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his
+arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him
+overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough
+to swim _to the other side_."
+
+
+        MDXLII.--A CHOICE OF EVILS.
+
+ONE asked his friend, why he married so _little_ a wife? "Why," said he,
+"I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the _least_."
+
+
+        MDXLIII.--RESTING HERSELF.
+
+A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would
+frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might
+_rest her bones_. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late
+mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones
+yet?"--"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my
+_jaw-bones_."
+
+
+        MDXLIV.--A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.
+
+A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the
+"five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as
+good as another?"--"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish
+chartist, "and _a great deal betther_."
+
+
+        MDXLV.--DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.
+
+    "MY dart," cried Death, "I cannot find,
+      So now I'm quite at sea."
+    Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,--
+      There, take this recipe."
+
+
+        MDXLVI.--AN EVASION.
+
+A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking
+politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a
+loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll
+show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical,
+sir!"--"_You_ are?"--"Yes, sir, I _am_!"--"Well, just you step round the
+corner with me, and I'll _show you_ a fellow who said I couldn't find a
+radical in the ward. Ain't _he_ a liar, I should like to know?"
+
+
+        MDXLVII.--GOING FROM THE POINT.
+
+CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My
+learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in
+domestic use, commonly called an _extinguisher_. It began at a point,
+and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the
+question out altogether."
+
+
+        MDXLVIII.--DEFINING A CREED.
+
+A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the
+witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion;
+posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."
+
+
+        MDXLIX.--A BIT OF MOONSHINE.
+
+BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it
+was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May
+be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though
+it be, you would like to see the _first quarter_ of it."
+
+
+        MDL.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    WHEN at the head of our most gracious king,
+    Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,--
+    "Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said,
+    "So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"
+
+
+        MDLI.--A KIND HINT.
+
+LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He
+should follow the example of duellists, and by _going out_ he would
+certainly give _satisfaction_.
+
+
+        MDLII.--PRIEST'S ORDERS.
+
+AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some
+one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the
+pit. "Probably clerks _who have taken Priest's orders_," said Mr. Poole,
+one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists
+of the day.
+
+
+        MDLIII.--SHERIDAN AND BURKE.
+
+AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started
+suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house,
+exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"--"I
+hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the
+camp as a _deserter_, he will not return as a _spy_."
+
+
+        MDLIV.--ALWAYS THE BETTER.
+
+A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket,
+beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to
+ruin."--"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far
+from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been _the better_."
+
+
+        MDLV.--A PUNGENT PINCH.
+
+WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish
+tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal:
+"Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,--a deuse of a _pinch_,
+Lundy!"
+
+
+        MDLVI.--"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."
+
+AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his
+profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for
+them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to
+pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the
+"_Saracen's Head_." It was paid for immediately.
+
+
+        MDLVII.--ON A GREAT TALKER.
+
+    TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose,
+      Job himself scarcely patience could keep;
+    He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze,
+      Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.
+
+
+        MDLVIII.--DRY HUMOR.
+
+AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents
+of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about
+being _very wet_, if I wasn't so _very dry_, your honor."
+
+
+        MDLIX.--CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.
+
+THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new
+dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and
+inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will
+be _change for a guinea_."
+
+
+        MDLX.--AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.
+
+A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just
+seen the blackest man that ever was!"--"How black was he, my son?"--"O,
+he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a
+_white_ mark on him!"
+
+
+        MDLXI.--A MAN AND A BROTHER.
+
+HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who
+earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his
+friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."--"He is either the
+most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied
+the comedian: "and, as _either one or the other, he has a brotherly
+claim upon me_."
+
+
+        MDLXII.--PULLING UP A POET.
+
+A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his
+verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed
+him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, _he hears you_."
+
+
+        MDLXIII.--AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.
+
+A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman
+of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the
+coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the
+honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a
+house like this!"--"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply,
+"It's the _seventh_ I have had, and every one in the room _knows it_."
+
+
+        MDLXIV.--WITTY THANKSGIVING.
+
+BARHAM having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the
+present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many
+thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure
+and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and
+bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman,
+the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.--Ever
+yours, _S.S._"
+
+
+        MDLXV.--A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.
+
+THOMSON, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend
+entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far
+spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae _nae motive_,"
+replied the poet.
+
+
+        MDLXVI.--KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.
+
+THE surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for
+his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a party of
+pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who
+had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had
+heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last
+night in his _own medicine chest_."
+
+
+        MDLXVII.--NOTHING SURPRISING.
+
+ADMIRAL LEE, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very
+rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin
+and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."--"Indeed," says the
+captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the _right_ of it. I
+don't know what would _stay out_ such a stormy night as this."
+
+
+        MDLXVIII.--RUNNING NO RISK.
+
+    "I'M very much surprised," quoth Harry,
+    "That Jane a gambler should marry."
+    "I'm not at all," her sister says,
+    "You know he has such _winning ways_!"
+
+
+        MDLXIX.--A HUMORIST PIQUED.
+
+THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one
+occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter
+surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and,
+affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook
+concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would _you_ do to
+anybody who treated you in such a manner?"--"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if
+any man meddled with _my_ tongue, I'd _lick_ him!"
+
+
+        MDLXX.--NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.
+
+A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate
+with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he
+said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke
+replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be _no room for
+yours_."
+
+
+        MDLXXI.--AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.
+
+AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a
+gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry
+disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured
+it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George
+D---- was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't
+know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a
+great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but
+then, you know, a man may be both."--"_So I see, sir_," said Cannon,
+turning away.
+
+
+        MDLXXII.--ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.
+
+    WHILE Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,
+    No generous patron would a dinner give.
+    See him, when starved to death and turned to dust,
+    Presented with a monumental bust.
+    The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,--
+    He asked for bread, and he received a stone.
+
+
+        MDLXXIII.--A WORD IN SEASON.
+
+MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister,
+who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not
+proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he
+had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody _give him the
+word_,--somebody give him the word!"
+
+
+        MDLXXIV.--"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."
+
+PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of
+it, said, "Professor, _my opinion_ of you is most contemptible."--"Sir,"
+returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an _opinion_ of yours that was
+_not contemptible_."
+
+
+        MDLXXV.--A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.
+
+ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition,
+professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present
+observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head,
+and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor,
+undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when _he was a boy_."
+
+
+        MDLXXVI.--"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."
+
+A CANTAB, one day observing a _ragamuffin-looking_ boy scratching his
+head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was
+begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are
+picking them out, are you?"--"_Nah, sar_," retorted the urchin; "I
+_takes_ 'em as they come!"
+
+
+        MDLXXVU.--A CLIMAX.
+
+THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a
+deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a
+good man, an excellent man. He had the best _melted butter_ I ever
+tasted in my life."
+
+
+        MDLXXVIII.--BLANK CARTRIDGE.
+
+EPIGRAM on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and
+Francis Jeffrey:--
+
+    When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said,
+      A reverse he displayed in his vapor,
+    For while all his poems were loaded with lead,
+      His pistols were loaded with paper.
+    For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank,
+      Such a _salvo_ he should not abuse;
+    For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank,
+      Which is fired away at _Reviews_.
+
+
+        MDLXXIX.--SERMONS IN STONES.
+
+THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob,
+continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly.
+"Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said
+A'Beckett, "seeing that _no pains have been spared_ to convince him of
+them."
+
+
+        MDLXXX.--EARLY HABITS.
+
+THERE was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the
+condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of
+his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything
+with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly
+escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered,
+"My lord, you had better take your _trowel_ to it."
+
+
+        MDLXXXI.--LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.
+
+DURING the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader
+graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the
+hero questions the _Witches_, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a
+deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment
+directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching,
+however, the words in the play, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_!
+why, 't is _void_."
+
+
+        MDLXXXII.--NOT TO BE BELIEVED.
+
+THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted
+to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the
+postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":--
+
+    Whoe'er would learn a fact from you,
+      Must take you by contraries;
+    What you deny, _perhaps_ is true;
+      But nothing that you _swear_ is.
+
+
+        MDLXXXIII.--A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.
+
+AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with
+marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened
+a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to _get
+a good one_."
+
+
+        MDLXXXIV.--BYRON LIBELLOUS.
+
+THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore
+compared it to a potato, "because it shoots from the eyes."--"Or
+rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by _pairing_."
+
+
+        MDLXXXV.--A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.
+
+AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at
+the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The
+doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: _you_, sir,
+might have been born a wit!"
+
+
+        MDLXXXVI.--ATTIRED TO TIRE.
+
+SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain
+sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of
+King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:--
+
+    Behold the sergeant full of fire,
+      Long shall his hearers rue it;
+    His purple garments _came from Tyre_,
+      His arguments _go to it_.
+
+
+        MDLXXXVII.--A SMALL JOKE.
+
+MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his
+employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his
+master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter
+day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had
+fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt,
+grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "_Nae
+great length_, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh,"
+said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."--"I wunner whaur
+_that_ is," said Matthew.
+
+
+        MDLXXXVIII.--A VAIN THREAT.
+
+"MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"--"I shall not be
+frightened then, for I never knew you to _pay_ anything that you owe."
+
+
+        MDLXXXIX.--POOR LAW.
+
+"PRAY, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, "what do you
+think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"--"Let him
+spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he
+has _not got a shilling_ in the world, let him attack the law." Such was
+the advice of an old Chief Justice.
+
+
+        MDXC.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about
+the "_cause_ of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are
+evidently looking more after the _effects_.
+
+
+        MDXCI.--A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.
+
+WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the
+combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on
+going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the
+men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very
+unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man
+if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was
+only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same
+proportion _as the prize-money_,--the greatest part _among the
+officers_."
+
+
+        MDXCII.--SOMETHING SHARP.
+
+WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the
+House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with
+a lemon in it.--G. A'B.
+
+
+        MDXCIII.--AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.
+
+A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter
+inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No,"
+was his reply, "I make a point of never attending _rehearsals_!"
+
+
+        MDXCIV.--A SIMILE.
+
+    VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass,
+    Do some resemblance show;
+    Because the longer time they run,
+    The shallower they grow!
+
+
+        MDXCV.--A WIDE DIFFERENCE.
+
+ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous
+health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician
+and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My
+physician has always been a _horse_, and my apothecary an _ass_!"
+
+
+        MDXCVI.--ASPIRING POVERTY.
+
+A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish
+designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "_very_ large, _very_
+handsome, and _very_ cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very
+poor; in fact, having only £----."--"Say _thirty shillings_ more,"
+replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"
+
+
+        MDXCVII.--A TENDER SUGGESTION.
+
+A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy
+gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly
+replied, "I wish your honor's _heart was as tender as your toes_."
+
+
+        MDXCVIII.--SUDDEN FREEDOM.
+
+A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and
+the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set
+the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.--S.S.
+
+
+        MDXCIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee
+    Only in this, that you both painted be.
+
+
+        MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.
+
+A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the
+spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O,
+ma'am, because such _very fat people used to go through_" (a reply
+concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish
+it can have no perception of real wit").
+
+
+        MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.
+
+LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation
+Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I
+wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett _cannot see_ the
+imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said
+Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has _the sun (son) in his eye_."
+
+
+        MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.
+
+AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty
+urchin" said, "My honey, all the _polish_ you have is upon your boots
+and I gave you that."
+
+
+        MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.
+
+ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the
+reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court,
+on the ground that he was _cabinet-making_. The chancellor maliciously
+disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an
+occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a
+_turner_ or a _joiner_."
+
+
+        MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.
+
+A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish
+laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you
+can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said
+Pat, "an' yer honor's a _gintleman_!"
+
+
+        MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.
+
+    THEY cannot be complete in aught
+      Who are not humorously prone;
+    A man without a merry thought
+      Can hardly have a funny bone.
+
+
+        MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.
+
+HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention
+directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the
+street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to
+the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,--_are
+you anybody in particular_?" Before the astonished magnifico could
+collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query,
+Hook had passed on.
+
+
+        MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.
+
+A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a _hone_, I sharpen a number
+of _blades_, but I wear myself in doing it."
+
+
+        MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.
+
+JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who
+was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my
+cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "_At which end_, my lord?"
+
+
+        MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the
+_lowest_ of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the
+_foundation_ of all wit."
+
+
+        MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.
+
+LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him
+when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver
+minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one
+occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed,
+"Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"--"I wish _I
+was_," suddenly interposed the weary minister.
+
+
+        MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.
+
+    BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred,
+    How high his honor holds his haughty head!
+
+
+        MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.
+
+"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as
+he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he
+replied, "the Lord Mayor _finds me_ to-day."
+
+
+        MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.
+
+SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room
+as all the members were seated and ready to commence business.
+Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a
+droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman _move_ that I
+may take the _chair_?"
+
+
+        MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.
+
+A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied
+that he kept a _hot-house_.
+
+
+        MDCXV.--LONG AGO.
+
+A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed
+by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time,"
+he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had _no tongue_."--"Yes," said
+the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very _very long_ since!"
+
+
+        MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.
+
+WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the
+lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him
+"suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied,
+"Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but
+whensoever so I do, _then thrust me out of your doors_."
+
+
+        MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.
+
+    IF two decided negatives will make
+    Together one affirmative, let's take
+    P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue _per se_,
+    Who by this rule an honest pair will be.
+
+
+        MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.
+
+A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he
+came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling
+mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after
+him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then
+you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least _take care
+of me for your own sake_."
+
+
+        MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.
+
+A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of
+his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could
+not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little
+he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice,
+"I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir,"
+said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able
+to tell ye, for we're _just trying to settle that point_."
+
+
+        MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.
+
+CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was
+familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never
+comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned
+counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend,"
+said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh
+without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the
+judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a
+_contingent remainder_ without any particular _estate_ to support it."
+
+
+        MDCXXI.--AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.
+
+ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney
+Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I
+hope you will not _disagree_ with the man who eats you!"
+
+
+        MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.
+
+    "MY dear, what makes you always yawn?"
+    The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
+          "Is home so dull and dreary?"
+    "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
+    But man and wife are _one_, you know;
+          And when _alone_ I'm weary!"
+
+
+        MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.
+
+CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he
+could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening
+his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the
+advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of
+Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the
+least thirsty."--"It _is_ very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for
+every one agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."
+
+
+        MDCXXIV.--SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.
+
+AS for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"--and the water, "put naught in,
+in malice."
+
+
+        MDCXXV.--A JURY CASE.
+
+CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused
+by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of
+resuming _nisi prius_ business, said: "I had been under full sail to
+fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I
+have been only bearing up under _jury_-masts."
+
+
+        MDCXXVI.--SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.
+
+LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the
+hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the
+encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My
+Lord, I only took you to--" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend,
+the guinea is for _bringing me back_, not for taking me out."
+
+
+        MDCXXVII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."
+
+A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will
+dictate particulars."--"I give and I bequeath," commenced the man of
+law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I
+will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."--"Well, then,"
+suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I
+_lend_, until the last day?'"--"Yes, yes, _that will do_," eagerly
+rejoined the miser.
+
+
+        MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.
+
+    WHO seeks to please all men each way,
+      And not himself offend,
+    He may begin his work to-day,
+      But who knows when he'll end?
+
+
+        MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.
+
+MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of
+punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and
+solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the
+demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew
+who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the _drama_, if we don't
+encourage one another."
+
+
+        MDCXXX.--A CELESTIAL VISION.
+
+QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than
+men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of
+Nature, madam; we always see more of _heaven than earth_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXI.--DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.
+
+ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that,
+being about to compile a history of distinguished families in
+Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith _arms_. "I regret,
+sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so
+valuable a work; but _the Smiths_ never had any _arms_, and have
+invariably sealed their letters with their _thumbs_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.
+
+A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and
+silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of
+boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--_fatal
+to parrots_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.
+
+WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him
+for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a
+bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North
+Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and
+liberal mind, and you know that I cannot _help coming from
+Scotland_."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "_no more_ can the rest
+of your countrymen."
+
+
+        MDCXXXIV.--DONE FOR.
+
+TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in
+a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what
+it's for."--"Done," said the other. "_It is for sale_." The bet was
+paid.
+
+
+        MDCXXXV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.
+
+THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. _Pints_
+cannot be deemed _pot_ations."
+
+
+        MDCXXXVI.--THE DOG TAX.
+
+BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has
+the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold
+remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about
+town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones _pays the dog-tax for you_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.
+
+HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety _parsonified_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.
+
+ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an
+attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade
+in the country. "Why, do you _bury_ your attorneys here?" asked Foote.
+"Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in
+London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage,
+then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room
+over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the
+morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement;
+"what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know
+is, there's _a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.
+
+A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose
+nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are
+always making observations upon _my nose_; perhaps you think it was made
+at the _expense_ of yours."
+
+
+        MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.
+
+A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely
+remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy _sight_ it
+would be!"
+
+
+        MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.
+
+A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear _rouge_. "I can give
+you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for _one_ cheek."
+
+
+        MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.
+
+BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had
+occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity
+of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were,
+after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the
+residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible
+for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known
+preservatives against ague; the one is, a _good deal of care_ and a
+_little port wine_; the other, a _little care_ and a _good deal of port
+wine_. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the
+_latter_, it is at all events a remedy which _incumbents_ can afford
+better than _curates_."
+
+
+        MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.
+
+A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent,
+said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with
+proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with
+William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon,
+"they _found mine here_ when they comed."
+
+
+        MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.
+
+A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to
+send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird
+answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will
+no the world see _him_?"
+
+
+        MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.
+
+IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for
+himself without a _fee_, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea
+out of one pocket and put it _into the other_.
+
+
+        MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.
+
+WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a _pert_ young fellow
+asked him what he would give to be as _young_ as he. "I would be
+content," cried Foote, "to be as _foolish_." Jerrold made a similar
+reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick.
+"Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your
+stomach."
+
+
+        MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.
+
+ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many
+things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a
+dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in
+counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after
+destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave
+it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I _can't_ make him."--"Nay,
+Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done
+more; instead of one pig, you have made a _litter_."
+
+
+        MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.
+
+MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir
+Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he
+verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said
+Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors _change_
+Manners.'"
+
+
+        MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship
+and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on
+the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her
+enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened
+to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently
+thought you better than _nun_."
+
+
+        MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.
+
+A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to
+prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth
+open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is
+_too short_, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."
+
+
+        MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.
+
+A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one
+should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed
+property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a
+_wise-acre_?"
+
+
+        MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.
+
+TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their
+expenses, agreed the one to _board_, and the other to _lodge_.
+
+
+        MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.
+
+CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge:
+the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen
+struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the
+elephant did not secure _an inside_ place."--"He was too late, my
+friend," replied Canning; "he was detained _packing up his trunk_."
+
+
+        MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUCUMBER.
+
+SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the
+Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the
+embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and
+insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly _cold_ it was,"
+said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you
+know he is the, Duke of _Cu-cum-ber-land_."
+
+
+        MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.
+
+A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors
+commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a
+good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who
+resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied
+the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong,
+for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, _I found it
+there_."
+
+
+        MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.
+
+SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his
+master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a
+gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the
+purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have
+taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master _sends his
+compliments_ to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."
+
+
+        MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.
+
+FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under
+his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play
+elsewhere, as _one scraper at the door_ was sufficient.
+
+
+        MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.
+
+A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the
+_little rascal_. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been
+given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he,
+"who are all _great rascals_."
+
+
+        MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.
+
+DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the
+Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning
+conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom
+very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain
+of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in
+a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked
+constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he
+desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a
+valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince.
+After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so
+repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and
+taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek
+characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) _Fie! Rowe!_ The poet was so
+mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.
+
+
+        MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.
+
+    'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat,
+      Always abuses in his chatter:
+    He's truly such a thorough flat,
+      We can't expect to see him _flatter_.
+
+
+        MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.
+
+AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a
+distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "_I am in horrible
+good health at present_."
+
+
+        MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.
+
+AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "_Bear_
+sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook,
+"if he means to apprise us that the article is his own _Bruin_."
+
+
+        MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.
+
+THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his
+promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a
+great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great
+deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due
+solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a
+high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not
+take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy,
+with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether
+he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied
+Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite _over_
+your face."
+
+
+        MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.
+
+LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely
+remarked to Alexis Soyer, _chef de cuisine_, that his female assistants
+were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "_plain_ cooks will
+not do here."
+
+
+        MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.
+
+AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the
+hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a
+hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts
+down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private
+concern, and what I gives is _nothing to nobody_."
+
+
+        MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.
+
+DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend
+bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but
+everything suffers by a _translation_,--except a _bishop_!"
+
+
+        MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.
+
+PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the
+simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House
+of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord
+Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he
+was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him,
+"Honest man, you have no business here. _Honest man_ you _can_ have no
+business _in this place_."--"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are
+right; _honest men_ can have no business here."
+
+
+        MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the
+_Edinburgh Review_, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an
+account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?"
+asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book _before_
+reviewing it; _it prejudices one so_."
+
+
+        MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.
+
+ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was
+returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that
+"there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke
+of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent
+and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the
+interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him
+to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan
+only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and
+intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter;
+though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would
+give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's _entire_."
+
+
+        MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.
+
+A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when
+sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference
+between a _shilling_ and _sixpence_."--"But you will, young gentleman,"
+an old economist replied, "when you come to be _worth eighteen-pence_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.
+
+DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of
+Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a
+_wet_ martyrdom, and the other's a _dry one_.
+
+
+        MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE ASSURANCE.
+
+THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer
+from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in
+the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices
+put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found
+that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these
+admonitory words, "Let them _insure_, as they wish to be saved."
+
+
+        MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.
+
+A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of
+hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have
+been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so
+indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of
+you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself
+at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O,
+Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the
+trouble of _putting it into my pocket_ for me."
+
+
+        MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.
+
+A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was
+mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the
+"scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."
+
+
+        MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.
+
+A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town,
+where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the
+servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak
+to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not
+willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would
+step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is
+_gone out_ too," replied the girl.
+
+
+        MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.
+
+"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend,
+for _I have tried baith_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.
+
+WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of
+Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those
+who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial
+for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr.
+Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful
+to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular
+obligation to _you_ for the _very remarkable countenance_ you have
+_shown_ me upon this occasion."
+
+
+        MDCLXXVIII.--THE SALIC LAW
+
+IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry
+from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.
+
+
+        MDCLXXIX.--CHARLES JAMES FOX.
+
+AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor
+about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel
+with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it
+had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been
+all over with me, if you had not charged with _government powder_!"
+
+
+        MDCLXXX.--PREFERMENT.
+
+AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m,
+during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than
+the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives
+than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One
+morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus
+addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop,
+and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of
+W----r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that will
+do_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXI.--COMPLIMENTARY.
+
+A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter
+continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire.
+"Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm
+_responsible_ for the silver."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXII.--DR. DONNE.
+
+DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and
+noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great
+asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money
+from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him:
+"John Donne, Anne Donne, _undone_." This quibble had the desired effect,
+and the distressed couple were restored to favor.
+
+
+        MDCLXXXIII.--VULGARITY.
+
+SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of
+something, that it was _vulgar_, gave the young lady the following
+temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you
+know, after all, the meaning of this word _vulgar_? 'Tis only _common_;
+nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of
+in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be
+disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth
+having or caring about in this world is _uncommon_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXIV.--AN EXPENSIVE JOB.
+
+A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to
+one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why,
+yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our
+reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in
+vain."--"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish
+_to repentance_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXV.--PROSINESS.
+
+A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a
+stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really
+thought he should have _died_ with laughter."--"I wish to heaven you
+had," was Jerrold's reply.
+
+
+        MDCLXXXVI.--A PLEASANT MESSAGE.
+
+MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the
+commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was
+applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to
+the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be
+paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in
+which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary
+and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards
+_to him_; and tell him how much we _missed him_ during the festival!"
+
+
+        MDCLXXXVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.
+
+AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one
+morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came
+up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on
+the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "_What's the
+matter_?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied,
+"_No matter, Berkeley_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.
+
+A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had
+_brass_ enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have
+_sauce_ enough to fill it."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.
+
+DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for
+him, received the following:
+
+    "_Here lies Fuller's earth_!"
+
+
+        MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.
+
+SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal
+invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord,
+if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll _stay there all
+night_." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked
+his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the
+reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes
+_larger_ than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them
+_smaller_ than the other!"
+
+
+        MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.
+
+AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its
+quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical
+_naïveté_: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that _a
+pig can require_?"
+
+
+        MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.
+
+IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and
+Water."--"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the
+anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can
+fire and water produce but a _hiss_?"
+
+
+        MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.
+
+LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very
+much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a
+degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must _eat a peck of
+dirt_ before he dies."--"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no
+one is obliged to eat it all _at one meal_, you dirty dog."
+
+
+        MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)
+
+    THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has,
+    'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).
+
+
+        MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.
+
+DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke
+loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical
+against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of
+me."--"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was
+present, "unless you know what people _say in the other world_."
+
+
+        MDCXCVI.--A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.
+
+A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the
+difference between _exportation_ and _transportation_. "Why, my dear,"
+he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, _you_
+would be _exported_, and _I_ should be _transported_!"
+
+
+        MDCXCVII.--DOUBLE SIGHT.
+
+A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed
+person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have
+lost," says the first; "I can see the _two_ eyes in your face, and you
+can see only _one_ in mine."
+
+
+        MDCXCVIII.--WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.
+
+SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has
+not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt
+illustrious."--"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an
+O than our family; for, in truth, we _owe_ everybody."
+
+
+        MDCXCIX.--A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.
+
+    SAID Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool,
+      Get out of my way, do you hear?"
+    Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule
+      I'm much _in your way_ as I fear."
+
+
+        MDCC.--A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.
+
+THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting
+Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself!
+"Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to
+meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but
+said, "_he was engaged with him elsewhere_."
+
+
+        MDCCI.--A ROYAL JEST.
+
+A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the
+rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance;
+and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church,
+"Rather for the _steeple_," replied the royal humorist.
+
+
+        MDCCII.--EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.
+
+LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was
+married to a gamester, replied, "that _cards and brimstone_ made the
+best matches."
+
+
+        MDCCIII.--A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.
+
+THE reigning _bore_ at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his
+favorite subject the _North Pole_. One day the arch tormentor met
+Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole.
+Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him,
+exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L---- shortly
+after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North
+Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what
+Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,--he respects nothing,
+absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more
+than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the
+_Equator_."
+
+
+        MDCCIV.--MULTIPLYING ONE.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round
+it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I
+took it for a _meeting of the clergy_, and was delighted of course."
+
+
+        MDCCV.--AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.
+
+    WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go,
+    The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."
+    At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess,
+    For from grammar I learned _No_ and _No_ stood for _Yes_.
+
+
+        MDCCVI.--THE RULING PASSION.
+
+A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn
+out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist
+rubbing her temples with Hungary water, _as it would make her hair
+gray_!
+
+
+        MDCCVII.--INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.
+
+A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning,
+was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast
+with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will _not
+digest_."
+
+
+        MDCCVIII.--SELF-INTEREST.
+
+THOSE who wish to tax anything containing _intelligence_, must be
+actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they
+are not likely to feel _the burden_.
+
+
+        MDCCIX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts,
+and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "_It will be long
+enough before I get another_," answered the student. The reply tickled
+the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed
+laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him
+what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied
+reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he
+answered, _it will be a long time before I get another_."--"Well,
+there's nothing very funny in that."--"Neither there is," said the
+professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have
+been something in _the way he said it_."
+
+
+        MDCCX.--FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.
+
+WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the
+kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The
+true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her
+country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's
+very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several
+times _all over grease_!"--"They may tell you what they please above or
+below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover
+in my life!"--"Nay, now, that must be a _fib_," says Foote, "for I have
+myself seen you at _Spithead_!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the
+exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."
+
+
+        MDCCXI.--_L'Envoy_.
+
+THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE,
+that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.
+
+
+        DINNER CODE.
+
+_Of the Amphitryon.--His Rights._
+
+Art. 1.--The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as
+long as the meal, and ends with it.
+
+Art. 2.--It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his
+guests.
+
+Art. 3.--He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the
+females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two,
+which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.
+
+_His Duties._
+
+Art. 1.--Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches
+with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to
+his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the
+vigorous appetite.
+
+Art. 2.--He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.
+
+Art. 3.--He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale
+jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his
+best security against a violation of this _article_.
+
+Art. 4.--The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should
+never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.
+
+Art. 5.--On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over
+the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by
+it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.
+
+_Of the Guests._
+
+Art. 1.--The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at
+whatever inconvenience to himself.
+
+Art. 2.--When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil
+way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that
+of which he has just partaken.
+
+Art. 3.--A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a
+conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is
+a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be
+inconsiderately distracted.
+
+Art. 4.--Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even
+in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a _dinde aux truffes_.
+
+Art. 5.--An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the
+Amphitryon.
+
+Art. 6.--A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during
+the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as
+long as digestion.
+
+Art. 7.--To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the
+person of his cook.
+
+Art. 8.--A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who
+deserts.
+
+_On Vicinity to Ladies._
+
+Art. 1.--He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her _cavaliere
+servente_. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as
+over his own.
+
+Art. 2.--The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in
+the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey
+the recommendations of her knight on this subject.
+
+Art. 3.--It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness
+during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be
+complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the
+dessert.
+
+_On Vicinity to Men._
+
+Art. 1.--When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each
+other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,--the
+_last_ offer becomes an error after one refusal.
+
+Art. 2.--On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any
+precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool
+the plate in question for both parties.
+
+Art. 3.--If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast
+must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.
+
+Art. 4.--Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to
+converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them
+is inviting the other to dinner.
+
+Art. 5.--Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more
+wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each
+other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"
+
+_On Vicinity to Children._
+
+Single Article.--The only course to be pursued, if you have the
+misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is to make him tipsy as
+quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.
+
+_On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism._
+
+Art. 1.--The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the
+articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his
+gayety upon the people who sit round it.
+
+Art. 2.--By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine _à la
+Russe_) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.
+
+Art. 3.--A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little
+sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when
+serving himself _last_, serve himself also the _best_.
+
+Art. 4.--Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to
+some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly
+for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,--merely out of
+politeness to her.
+
+Art. 5.--The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing:
+never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.
+
+
+
+
+INDEX.
+
+                             PAGE
+
+  A. I, 33
+
+  Abbey Church at Bath, The, 244
+
+  A Bed of--Where?, 238
+
+  Abernethy, Mr., 77
+
+  Above Proof, 297
+
+  Absent Man, An, 116
+
+  Absurdly Logical, 319
+
+  Acceptable Deprivation, An, 201
+
+  Accommodating, 213
+
+  Accommodating Physician, An, 180
+
+  Accommodating Principles, 153
+
+  Accurate Description, 201
+
+  Acres and Wiseacres, 355
+
+  Act of Justice, An, 147
+
+  Actor, 222
+
+  Advantageous Tithe, An, 255
+
+  Advertisement, Extraordinary, 88
+
+  Advice Gratis, 160
+
+  Advice to a Dramatist, 199
+
+  Advice to the Young, 138
+
+  Affectation, 98
+
+  Affectionate Hint, An, 344
+
+  Aged Young Lady, The, 235
+
+  Agreeable and not Complimentary, 71
+
+  Agreeable Practice, An, 248
+
+  Agricultural Experiences, 184
+
+  Alere Flamman, 252
+
+  A-Liquid, 140
+
+  Allegorical Representation, 310
+
+  All the Difference, 5, 367
+
+  All the Same, 314
+
+  Almanac-makers, 159
+
+  Alone in his Glory, 14
+
+  Always the Better, 336
+
+  Amende Honorable, The, 310
+
+  American Penance, 217
+
+  Ample Apology, An, 356
+
+  Anecdote, An, 86
+
+  Anglo-French Alliance, The, 50
+
+  Angry Ocean, The, 81
+
+  Answered at Once, 288
+
+  Answering her According to her Folly, 345
+
+  Anticipated Calamity, An, 349
+
+  Anticipation, 110
+
+  Any Change for the Better, 220
+
+  Any Port in a Storm, 57
+
+  Apish Resemblance, An, 322
+
+  Apt Reproof, An, 307
+
+  Arcadia, 24
+
+  Arcadian, An, 128
+
+  Architectural Pun, An, 61
+
+  Argument, An, 125
+
+  Artificial Heat, 28
+
+  Artistic Touch, An, 171
+
+  As Black as he could be painted, 337
+
+  Aspiring Poverty, 345
+
+  Assurance and Insurance, 228
+
+  As You Like It, 87
+
+  At his Fingers' Ends, 106
+
+  Attending to a Wish, 169
+
+  Attic Jest, An 69
+
+  Attired to Tire, 343
+
+  Audley, The Late Lord, 130
+
+  Auricular Confession, 227
+
+  Awkward Orthography, 298
+
+  "Aye! There's the Rub", 93
+
+
+  BACK-HANDED HIT, A, 209
+
+  Bacon, 138
+
+  Bad Bargain, A, 131
+
+  Bad Company, 166
+
+  Bad Crop, A, 18, 58
+
+  Bad Customer, A, 96
+
+  Bad End, A, 153
+
+  Bad Example, A, 1
+
+  Bad Habit, 136
+
+  Bad Harvest, A, 23
+
+  Bad Judge, A, 287
+
+  Bad Label, A, 92
+
+  Bad Lot, A, 182
+
+  Bad Medium, A, 217
+
+  Bad Pen, A, 72
+
+  Bad Preacher, A, 226
+
+  Bad Shot, A, 12
+
+  Bad Sport, 146
+
+  Balance, A, 233
+
+  Balancing Accounts, 66
+
+  Banker's Check, A, 17
+
+  Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, 305
+
+  Bark and Bite, 231
+
+  Barry's Powers of Pleasing, 34
+
+  Base Joke, A, 347
+
+  Base One, A, 97
+
+  Bearable Pun, A, 358
+
+  Bear and Van, 16
+
+  Bearding a Barber, 2
+
+  Benefit of Competition, 212
+
+  Best Judge, The, 110
+
+  Best Wine, The, 193
+
+  Better Known than Trusted, 193
+
+  Betting, 155
+
+  Bewick, the Engraver, 194
+
+  Bill Paid in Full, 228
+
+  Billy Brown and the Counsellor, 50
+
+  Birth of a Prince, The, 178
+
+  Bishop and Churchwarden, A, 71
+
+  Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, 55
+
+  Bit of Moonshine, A, 335
+
+  Black and White, 19
+
+  Black Joke, A, 159
+
+  Black Letter, 101
+
+  Black Oils, 18
+
+  Blowing a Nose, 55
+
+  Book Case, A, 70
+
+  Boswell's "Life of Johnson", 154
+
+  Braham and Kenney, 237
+
+  Bred on the Boards, 162
+
+  Brevity, 81
+
+  Brevity of Charity, 215
+
+  Brief Correspondence, 179
+
+  "Brief Let It Be", 210
+
+  Bright and Sharp, 63
+
+  Bright Rejoinder, A, 346
+
+  Bringing his Man Down, 245
+
+  Broad-brim Hint, A, 81
+
+  Broad Hint, A, 85, 165
+
+  Broad-Sheet Hint, A, 75
+
+  Broken Head, A, 98
+
+  Brotherly Love, 46, 300
+
+  Brutal Affections, 67
+
+  Budget of Blunders, A, 141
+
+  Buried Worth, 56
+
+  Burke and Fox, 258
+
+  Burke's Tediousness, 270
+
+  Business and Pleasure, 326
+
+  Busy Bodies, 124
+
+  But one Good Translation, 358
+
+  Byron Libellous, 342
+
+
+  CABAL, A, 31
+
+  Calculation, 105
+
+  Calculation, A, 265
+
+  Caledonian Comfort, 99
+
+  Calf's Head Surprised, 25
+
+  Caliban's Looking-glass, 51
+
+  Calumny, 220
+
+  Cambridge Etiquette, 76
+
+  Candid Counsel, A, 156
+
+  Candid on both Sides, 222
+
+  Candle and Lantern, The, 125
+
+  Candor, 73
+
+  Canine Poetry, 169
+
+  Canning's Parasites, 71
+
+  Capital Joke, A, 56
+
+  Capital Letter, A, 14
+
+  Cap This, 26
+
+  Carrots Classically Considered, 222
+
+  Cart before the Horse, The, 60
+
+  Case of Necessity, A, 189
+
+  Cash Payments, 149
+
+  Catching him Up, 70
+
+  Cause and Effect, 226, 344
+
+  Cause of Absence, 40
+
+  Cause, The, 158
+
+  Cautious Lover, A, 108
+
+  Celestial Vision, A, 351
+
+  Certain Crop, A, 208
+
+  Certainly not Asleep, 109
+
+  Certainty, A, 83
+
+  Challenging a Jury, 107
+
+  Change for a Guinea, 337
+
+  Change for the Better, A, 197
+
+  Changing Hats, 280
+
+  Changing his Coat, 3
+
+  Changing his Line, 39
+
+  Characteristics, 237
+
+  Charitable Wit, 195
+
+  Charity and Inconvenience, 326
+
+  Charity begins at Home, 312
+
+  Charles, Duke of Norfolk, 271
+
+  Charles II. and Milton, 192
+
+  Chartist not a Leveller, A, 334
+
+  Chatham, Lord, 263
+
+  Cheap at the Money, 209
+
+  Cheap Cure, A, 17
+
+  Cheap Watch, A, 168
+
+  Check to the King, 22
+
+  Cheese and Dessert, 21
+
+  Chemical Oddity, 322
+
+  Chesterfield, Lord, 37
+
+  Chin-Surveying, 280
+
+  Choice of Evils, A, 334
+
+  Choice Spirits, 180
+
+  Church in the Way, The, 246
+
+  City Glutton, 358
+
+  City Love, 36
+
+  City Varnish, A, 61
+
+  Claim on the Country, A, 249
+
+  Classical Wit, 333
+
+  Claw and Claw, 54
+
+  Clear Case, A, 122
+
+  Clear the Court, 118
+
+  Clearing Emigrants, 272
+
+  Clerical Wit, 95
+
+  Clever Dog, A, 47
+
+  Climax, A, 19, 341
+
+  Clonmel, Lord, 172
+
+  Close Escape, A, 187
+
+  Close Translation, A, 317
+
+  Closer, A, 313
+
+  Coat-of-Arms, A, 211
+
+  Cockney Epigram, A, 36
+
+  Cold Comfort, 132
+
+  "Cold" Compliment, A, 73
+
+  Coleridge and Thelwall, 275
+
+  College Bell! The, 109
+
+  Collins, The late Mr., 24
+
+  Colonial Breweries, 313
+
+  Colorable Excuse, A, 179
+
+  Colorable Resemblance, A, 145
+
+  Come of Age, 9
+
+  Comedian and a Lawyer, A, 190
+
+  Common Case, A, 64
+
+  Common Politeness, 195
+
+  Common Want, A, 219
+
+  Comparative Virtue, 357
+
+  Comparison, A, 152, 234, 273
+
+  Comparisons are Odious, 2
+
+  Complimentary, 4, 362
+
+  Compliment, Elegant, 32
+
+  Compliment Ill-received, A, 78
+
+  Computation, 22
+
+  Conceited, but not Seated, 201
+
+  Con-cider-ate, 139
+
+  Concurrent Events, 134
+
+  Conditional Agreement, 315
+
+  Confidence, 103, 120
+
+  Confidence--taken from the French, 193
+
+  Confirmed Invalid, A, 1
+
+  Congratulation to One who Curled His Hair, 85
+
+  Conjugal Caution, 8
+
+  Conjugal Conclusion, A, 282
+
+  Connoisseur, The, 7
+
+  Connubial Compliment, A, 365
+
+  Conservative Logic, 300
+
+  Considerable Latitude, 44
+
+  Considerate Mayor, A, 292
+
+  Considerate Son, A, 89
+
+  Consistency, 179
+
+  Constancy, 245
+
+  Constitutional Pun, A, 4
+
+  Contraband Scotchman, 67
+
+  Convenient Theory, A, 358
+
+  Convert, A, 4
+
+  Cooke's Explanation of the Family Plate, 158
+
+  Cooking his Goose, 315
+
+  Cool as a Cucumber, 356
+
+  Cool Hand, A, 85
+
+  Cool Proposition, A, 299
+
+  Cool Retort, 208
+
+  Corporation Politeness, 219
+
+  Corruptly Incorruptible, 172
+
+  Couleur de Rose, 58
+
+  Coulson, Sir Thomas, 232
+
+  Credit, 269
+
+  Critical Politeness, 30
+
+  Criticising a Statue, 152
+
+  Critics, 60
+
+  Cromwell, 228
+
+  Cruel Case, A, 229
+
+  Cruel Suggestion, 68
+
+  Cup and Saucer, 200
+
+  Cut and Come Again, 51
+
+  Cut Direct, The, 124
+
+  Cut Infernal, The, 103
+
+  Cutting, 360
+
+  Cutting an Acquaintance, 253
+
+  Cutting his Coat, 57
+
+  Cutting off the Supplies, 310
+
+  Cutting on both Sides, 69
+
+
+  DAMPED ARDOR, 240
+
+  Dancing Prelates, The, 226
+
+  Dangerous Generalization, A, 243
+
+  Dead Language, 110
+
+  Deadly Weapon, A, 288
+
+  Dear Bargain, A, 323
+
+  Dear Speaker, A, 319
+
+  Death and Dr. Bolus, 335
+
+  Death-bed Forgiveness, 323
+
+  Debt Paid, The, 77
+
+  Debtor and Creditor, 126
+
+  Decanting Extraordinary, 168
+
+  Defining a Creed, 335
+
+  Degeneracy, 129
+
+  Delicate Hint, 130
+
+  Delpini's Remonstrance, 144
+
+  Democratic Vision, 80
+
+  Deserved Retort, A, 64
+
+  Destitution of the Smith Family, 351
+
+  Devil's Own, The, 229
+
+  Dialogue, A, 16
+
+  Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland, 279
+
+  Dido, 86
+
+  Difference, A, 4
+
+  Difference of Opinion, 277
+
+  Difficult Task, A, 188
+
+  Difficulties in either Case, 318
+
+  Diffidence, 185
+
+  Dilemma, A, 168
+
+  Dinner Code, 368
+
+  Direct Road, The, 197
+
+  Disappointing Subscriber, A, 194
+
+  Disapprobation, 45
+
+  "Distant" Friend, A, 259
+
+  Distant Prospect, A, 16
+
+  Distressful Denouement, A 300
+
+  Doctor Glynn's Receipt for Dressing a Cucumber, 285
+
+  Doctor Weather-eye, 59
+
+  Doctrine of Chances, The, 15
+
+  Dodging a Creditor, 136
+
+  Dogged Answer, A, 10
+
+  Dog-matic, 27
+
+  Dogmatism, 221
+
+  Dog Tax, The, 352
+
+  Doing Homage, 223
+
+  Domestic Economy, 92
+
+  Done for, 352
+
+  Donne, Dr., 362
+
+  Double Knock, A, 116
+
+  Double Sight, 365
+
+  "Double Times," A, 88
+
+  Doubt Explained, The, 353
+
+  Doubtful Compliment, A, 31
+
+  Doubtful Creed, A, 105
+
+  Dreadful Suspicion, A, 328
+
+  Drinking Alone, 174
+
+  Driving it Home, 113
+
+  Droll to Order, 322
+
+  Drop, A, 306
+
+  Dry, but not Thirsty, 350
+
+  Dry Fellow, A, 227
+
+  Dry Humor, 337
+
+  Dull Man, A, 274
+
+  Dulness of a Debate, 162
+
+  Dunning and Lord Mansfield, 39
+
+  Dunning and Lord Thurlow, 97
+
+  Duplex Movement, 58
+
+  Dutiful Daughter, A, 309
+
+
+  EARLY BIRDS OF PREY, 261
+
+  Early Habits, 342
+
+  Easily Answered, 135
+
+  Easily Satisfied, 164
+
+  East Indian Chaplaincy, An, 245
+
+  Easy as Lying, 29
+
+  Easy Way, An, 302
+
+  Ebenezer Adams, 150
+
+  Effort of Memory, An, 163
+
+  Elegant Compliment, 32
+
+  Elegant Retort, 205
+
+  Elliston and George IV., 240
+
+  Eloquent Silence, 117
+
+  Emperor of China, 48
+
+  Empty Gun, The, 113
+
+  Empty Head, An, 92
+
+  Encouragement, 216
+
+  Endless Task, An, 351
+
+  Entering the Lists, 236
+
+  Entertaining Proposition, An, 318
+
+  Envy, 238
+
+  EPIGRAMS:--
+    Accounting for the Apostacy of Ministers, 173
+    Addressed to Miss Edgeworth, 83
+    A Good Word for Ministers, 39
+    An Affirmative, 367
+    By a Plucked Man, 93
+    Conversational, 365
+    "Cumberland", 34
+    From the Italian, 82
+    "I'm Living Still", 17
+    "Life is a Lottery", 90
+    "Nature" the Shoulder to the Burden suits, 311
+    On a Bad Man, 47
+    On a Bald Head, 198
+    On a certain M.P.'s Indisposition, 196
+    On a Debtor Lord, 222
+    On a Gentleman named Heddy, 297
+    On a Great Talker, 337
+    On a Jury, 176
+    On a Lady who Squinted, 79
+    On a Lady who was Painted, 262
+    On a Little Member's Versatility, 203
+    On a New Duke, 37
+    On a Petit-Maître Physician, 240
+    On a Squinting Poetess, 315
+    On a Stone thrown at a very Great Man, but which missed him, 26
+    On a Student, 232
+    On Alderman Wood, 224
+    On an M.P. who recently got his Election at the Sacrifice of his
+        Political Character, 214
+    On Bank Notes being made a Legal Tender, 53
+    On Bishop ----'s Religion, 365
+    On Black and White, 63
+    On Blank Cartridge, 341
+    On Bloomfield, the Poet, 291
+    On Butler's Monument, 340
+    On Charles Kean, the Actor, 80
+    On Cibber, 74
+    On "Disloyal" Collins, 336
+    On Dr. Glynn's Beauty, 182
+    On Dr. Lettsom, 290
+    On Dr. Walcot's Application for Shield's Ivory Opera Pass, 315
+    On Dr. Walcot's Request for Ivory Tickets, 318
+    On Drink, 182
+    On Hearing a prosing Harangue from a certain Bishop, 245
+    On Interminable Harangues, 76
+    On Jekyll's nearly being thrown down by a very small Pig, 116
+    On L--d--d--y, 81
+    On Lord ----'s delivering his Speeches in a sitting Position, owing
+        to excessive Gout, 121
+    On Lord E--nb--h's Pericranium, 89
+    On Lord W----'s saying the Independence of the House of Lords is
+        gone, 193
+    On Marriage, 170
+    On Meanness, 117
+    On Mr. Croker, 111
+    On Mr. Gully, 234
+    On Mr. Pitt's being pelted by the Mob, 295
+    On Mr. Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper, 239
+    On Neglect of Judicial Duties, 129
+    On Phryne, 345
+    On Pride, 101
+    On Rogers, the Poet, 226
+    On Shelley's Poem, "Prometheus Unbound", 230
+    On Sir Walter Scott's Poem of "Waterloo", 304
+    On the alleged Disinterestedness of a certain Prelate, 109
+    On the charge of Illegally Pawning brought against Captain B----,
+        M.P., 200
+    On the Column to the Duke of York's Memory, 29
+    On the Death of Foote, 81
+    On the Depth of Lord ----'s Arguments, 88
+    On the Disappointment of the Whigs, 307
+    On the Duke of ----'s Consistency, 104
+    On the Four Georges, 294
+    On the Immortality of ----'s Speeches, 89
+    On the King's Double Dealing, 166
+    On the late Duke of Buckingham's Moderate Reform, 328
+    On the Marriage of a very thin Couple, 172
+    On the Name of Keopalani, 153
+    On the Oiled and Perfumed Ringlets of a certain Lord, 178
+    On the Price of Admission to see the Mammoth Horse, 266
+    On the Sincerity of a certain Prelate, 134
+    On Two Contractors, 316
+    On the Two Harveys, 247
+    On Wolsey, 347
+    On ----'s Ponderous Speeches, 223
+    On ----'s Veracity, 319
+    "Pocket your Watch", 131
+    Suggested by hearing a Debate, 241
+    The Tanner, 115
+    "There's Nobody at Home", 65
+    To Closefist, 303
+    To Lady Mount E----, 300
+    "Turncoat", 46
+    Upon the Trustworthiness of ---- ----, 332
+    "Very like a Whale", 154
+    Written on the Union, 1801, 298
+
+  Episcopal Sauce, 114
+
+  Epitaph for Sir John Vanbrugh, 16
+
+  Epitaph on a Miser, 220
+
+  Epitaphs, 247
+
+  Epitaph upon Peter Staggs, 227
+
+  Error Corrected, An, 237
+
+  Erskine, Henry, 220, 244
+
+  Erskine's Firmness, 327
+
+  "Essay on Man", 185
+
+  Equal to Nothing, 177
+
+  Equality, 52, 156
+
+  Equality of the Law, 288
+
+  Equitable Law, 290
+
+  Equivocal Preference, An, 355
+
+  Equivocation, An, 198
+
+  Erasmus _v._ Luther, 293
+
+  Error in Judgment, 306
+
+  Erudite, 302
+
+  Euclid Refuted, 162, 333
+
+  Evasion, An, 335
+
+  Evidence of a Jockey, 75
+
+  Exaggeration, 160
+
+  Excusable Fear, 275
+
+  Excuse for Cowardice, 295
+
+  Existence of Matter, 363
+
+  Expectoration, 211
+
+  Expensive Job, An, 362
+
+  Expensive Trip, An, 311
+
+  Experimentum Crucis, 324
+
+  Explanation, An, 180
+
+  Extenuating Circumstances, 119
+
+  Extinguisher, An, 12
+
+  Extraordinary Compromise, 177
+
+  Extreme Simplicity, 87
+
+  Extremely Sulphurous, 366
+
+  Extremes Meet, 59, 77
+
+  Eye to Profit, An, 33
+
+
+  FAIR DISTRIBUTION, A, 344
+
+  Fair Play, 204
+
+  Fair Proposal, A, 105
+
+  Fair Repulse, A, 54
+
+  Fair Substitute, A, 4
+
+  Fairly Won, 293
+
+  Fall in Mitres, A, 23
+
+  False Delicacy, 23
+
+  False Estimate, 216
+
+  False Face True, A, 292
+
+  False Quantities, 154
+
+  False Quantity, 27
+
+  Familiar Friend, A, 329
+
+  Familiar Illustration, A, 41
+
+  Familiarity, 177
+
+  Family Party, A, 25
+
+  Family Pride, 74
+
+  Farcical, 364
+
+  Farmer and Attorney, 44
+
+  Farren, the Actor, On, 54
+
+  Fashion and Virtue, 329
+
+  Fat and Lean, 264
+
+  Fatigue Duty, 152
+
+  Favorite Air, A, 210
+
+  Fear of Educating Women, 140
+
+  Feeling His Way, 103
+
+  Feeling Witness, A, 59
+
+  Female Talkers, 49
+
+  Few Friends, 185
+
+  Fiction and Truth, 264
+
+  Fig for the Grocer, A, 150
+
+  Fighting by Measure, 49
+
+  Filial Affection, 182
+
+  Fillip for Him, A, 18
+
+  Fire and Water, 155
+
+  Fire of London, The, 31
+
+  Fishing for a Compliment, 82
+
+  Fishy, Rather, 80
+
+  Fixture, A, 74
+
+  Flash of Wit, A, 276
+
+  Flattery turned to Advantage, 30
+
+  Flying Colors, 318
+
+  Following a Leader, 78
+
+  Fool and His Money, A, 359
+
+  Fool Confirmed, A, 252
+
+  Fool or Knave, The, 313
+
+  Foote, 96
+
+  Foote and Lord Townsend, 94
+
+  Foote's Last Joke, 368
+
+  Footiana, 169
+
+  Foraging, 116
+
+  Force of Habit, The, 125, 257
+
+  Force of Nature, 55
+
+  Force of Satire, The, 49
+
+  Forcible Argument, A, 276
+
+  Foreign Accent, A, 29
+
+  Forgetful Man, A, 181
+
+  Fortunate Expedient, A, 294
+
+  Fortunate Stars, 270
+
+  Fowl Joke, A, 311
+
+  Fox, Charles James, 361
+
+  Free Translation, A, 355
+
+  French Language, 109
+
+  French Precipitation, 52
+
+  Full House, A, 257
+
+  Full Inside, 170
+
+  Full Proof, 74
+
+  Full Stop, A, 264
+
+  Funeral Invitation, 356
+
+
+  GAMBLING, 234
+
+  Garrick and Foote, 199
+
+  Garth and Rowe, 357
+
+  Generosity and Prudence, 213
+
+  Gently, Jemmy, 151
+
+  Genuine Irish Bull, 128
+
+  Genuine Laziness, 360
+
+  George II. and the Recorder, 106
+
+  Getting a Living, 274
+
+  "Getting the Worst of It", 340
+
+  Gluttons and Epicures, 153
+
+  Going from the Point, 335
+
+  Going to Extremes, 332
+
+  Gone Out, 360
+
+  Good Advice, 3, 152, 209, 211
+
+  Good at a Pinch, 223
+
+  Good Appetite, A, 254
+
+  Good at the Halt, 302
+
+  Good Authority, 173
+
+  Good Character, A, 304
+
+  Good Critic, A, 114
+
+  Good Enough for a Pig, 364
+
+  Good Evidence, 227
+
+  Good Example, A, 83
+
+  Good Excuse, A, 134
+
+  Good Eyes, 274
+
+  Good Hearing, 206
+
+  Good-hearted Fellow, A, 81
+
+  Good Investment, A, 235
+
+  Good Jail Delivery, A, 183
+
+  Good Joke, A, 210
+
+  Good Judge, A, 361
+
+  Good Likeness, A, 253
+
+  Good Mixture, A, 283
+
+  Good Neighbor, A, 197
+
+  Good News for the Chancellor, 144
+
+  Good One, A, 135
+
+  Good Parson, A, 14
+
+  Good Place, A, 30
+
+  Good Reason, A, 47, 50, 53, 78
+
+  Good Reason for a Bad Cause, A, 313
+
+  Good Recommendation, A, 266
+
+  Good Riddance, 105
+
+  Good Servant, A, 66
+
+  Good Sport, 65
+
+  Good Swimmer, A, 171
+
+  Good Translation, A, 138
+
+  Good Wife, A, 250
+
+  Gouty Shoe, The, 189
+
+  Graceful Excuse, 175
+
+  Graceful Illustration, A, 230
+
+  Grafting, 218
+
+  Grammatical Distinction, A, 17
+
+  Grandiloquence, 248
+
+  Grandson, The, 299
+
+  Grave Doctor, A, 18
+
+  Great Cabbage, 251
+
+  Great Difference, A, 132
+
+  Gretna Customer, A, 100
+
+  Grim Joke, A, 360
+
+  Growl, A, 188
+
+  Grunt, A, 312
+
+  Guide to Government Situations, A, 59
+
+
+  HABEAS CORPUS ACT, 194
+
+  Half-way, 76
+
+  Hand and Glove, 21
+
+  Handsome Contribution, A, 42
+
+  Happiness, 41
+
+  Happy Man, A, 121
+
+  Happy Suggestion, A, 32
+
+  Hard Hit, A, 187
+
+  Hard of Digestion, 215
+
+  Hard-ware, 221
+
+  Having a Call, 258
+
+  Heavy Weight, A, 296
+
+  He "Lies Like Truth", 21
+
+  He who Sung "The Lays of Ancient Rome", 322
+
+  Henry VIII., 278
+
+  Hero-phobia, 20
+
+  Hesitation in his Writing, 59
+
+  Hiatus, A, 102
+
+  Hic-cupping, 10
+
+  High and Low, 36
+
+  High Gaming, 215
+
+  Highland Politeness, 186
+
+  Hinc Ille Lachrymæ, 70
+
+  Hint for Genealogists, A, 191
+
+  His Way--Out, 188
+
+  Hoaxing an Audience, 206
+
+  Holland's Funeral, 308
+
+  Home Argument, A, 72
+
+  Home is Home, 19
+
+  Honest Horse, An, 31
+
+  Honest Man's Litany, The, 204
+
+  Honest Warranty, An, 94
+
+  Honor, 311
+
+  Honor to Tipperary, An, 338
+
+  Hook's Politeness, 127
+
+  Hopeful Pupil, The, 124
+
+  Hopeless Invasion, A, 322
+
+  Horne Tooke and Wilkes, 284
+
+  Horse Laugh, A, 7
+
+  Horses to Grass, 285
+
+  How to Escape Taxation, 238
+
+  How to get rid of an Enemy, 261
+
+  How to make a Man of Consequence, 168
+
+  Howe, Lord, 278
+
+  Human Happiness, 64
+
+  Humane Society at an Evening Party, The, 191
+
+  Humor under Difficulties, 52
+
+  Humorist Piqued, A, 339
+
+  Husbanding his Resources, 321
+
+  Husband's Marriage, On Mr., 120
+
+
+  "I CAN GET THROUGH", 263
+
+  Idolatry, 79
+
+  Illegal Indorsement, An, 325
+
+  Imitation of a Cow, 121
+
+  Important to Bachelors, 280
+
+  Impossible in the Evening, 254
+
+  Impossible Renunciation, An, 191
+
+  Impromptu by Counsellor Bushe, 181
+
+  Impromptu by R.B. Sheridan, 180
+
+  Impromptu on an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, 230
+
+  Impromptu--"St. Stephen's Walls", 101
+
+  Impromptu--"The Fall of Sparta", 143
+
+  Impudent Wit, An, 346
+
+  Inadvertence and Epicurism, 286
+
+  Incapacity, 241
+
+  Inconvenient Breakdown, An, 303
+
+  Incredible, 5
+
+  Independence, 101
+
+  Indifference to Death, 367
+
+  Indifference to Life, 274
+
+  In-door Relief, 185
+
+  Industry and Perseverance, 212
+
+  Industry of the English People, 307
+
+  Inevitable Misfortune, An, 352
+
+  Information easily Acquired, 326
+
+  Ingenious Device, An, 196
+
+  Ingenious Reply of a Soldier, 37
+
+  Ingenuousness, 104
+
+  Ingratitude, 58, 283
+
+  Inhospitable Irishman, An, 364
+
+  In Memoriam, 320
+
+  Inquest Extraordinary, 97, 312
+
+  Inquest--not Extraordinary, 132
+
+  Inquests Extraordinary, 102
+
+  Inscription on Inscriptions, An, 2
+
+  Insurance Assurance, 360
+
+  In Suspense, 27
+
+  Interested Inquiry, 357
+
+  In the Background, 230
+
+  In the Dark, 218
+
+  Introductory Ceremony, An, 67
+
+  Intruder Rebuked, The, 30
+
+  In Want of a Husband, 231
+
+  Ireland's Forgery, 134
+
+  Irish and Scotch Loyalty, 290
+
+  Irish Imprudence, 291
+
+  Irishman's Notion of Discount, An, 282
+
+  Irishman's Plea, An, 212
+
+  Iron Duke, The, 118
+
+  "I Takes 'em as they Come", 341
+
+  "I've Done the same Thing often", 103
+
+
+  JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD, 235
+
+  Jemmy Gordon, 256
+
+  Jest of Ancestry, The, 176
+
+  Jew's Eye to Business, A, 286
+
+  Johnson and Mrs. Siddons, 128
+
+  Johnson, Dr., 190
+
+  Johnson, Dr., without Variation, 71
+
+  Johnson's, Dr., Opinion of Mrs. Siddons, 197
+
+  Joint Concern, A, 46
+
+  Joke from the North, A, 366
+
+  Jolly Companions, 256
+
+  Jonson, Ben, 99
+
+  Judge in a Fog, A, 199
+
+  Judgment, 262
+
+  "Junius" discovered, 11
+
+  Jury Case, A, 350
+
+  Just as Wonderful, 312
+
+  Just Debtor, A, 56
+
+  Justice Midas, 332
+
+  Justice not always Blind, 144
+
+
+  KEAN'S IMPROMPTU, 100
+
+  Keen Reply, 83
+
+  Keeping a Conscience, 126
+
+  Keeping a Promise, 117
+
+  Keeping It to Himself, 333
+
+  Keeping Time, 236
+
+  Kew, The Way to, 297
+
+  Killed by His Own Remedy, 338
+
+  Kind Hint, A, 336
+
+  Kitchener and Colman, 145
+
+  Knotty Point, A, 47
+
+  Knowing Best, 183
+
+  Knowing His Man, 91, 313
+
+  Knowing His Place, 69
+
+
+  LADY ANNE, 120
+
+  Lamb and Erskine, 123
+
+  Lamb and Sharp Sauce, 212
+
+  Lame Beggar, The, 308
+
+  Landlord and Tenants, 48
+
+  Large, but Not Large Enough, 219
+
+  Last Resource, A, 274
+
+  "Last War," The, 165
+
+  Late and Early, 203
+
+  Late Dinner, 112
+
+  Late Discoverer, A, 330
+
+  Late Edition, A, 15
+
+  Latimer, 295
+
+  Latin for Cold, The, 123
+
+  Latin Gerunds, On the, 135
+
+  Law and Physic, 181, 333
+
+  Law and the Scottish Thane, 342
+
+  Lawyer's House, 149
+
+  Lawyer's Opinion of Law, A, 99
+
+  Leaving His Verdict, 100
+
+  Leg Wit, 182
+
+  Legal Adulteration, 147
+
+  Legal Extravagance, 249
+
+  L'Envoy, 368
+
+  Letter C, The, 248
+
+  Letter H, The, 136, 199
+
+  Letter Wanting, A, 138
+
+  Liberal Gift, 135
+
+  Licensed to Kill, 160
+
+  Lie for Lie, 198
+
+  Light Bread, 80
+
+  Light-headed, 20
+
+  Light Joke, A, 250
+
+  Light Study, A, 19
+
+  Light Subject, The, 4
+
+  Lincoln's-Inn Dinners, 207
+
+  Lines to O'Keefe, 330
+
+  Lingual Infection, 214
+
+  Liquid Remedy for Baldness, 196
+
+  Liston's Dream, 148
+
+  Literal Joke, A, 125
+
+  Literary Pastime, 354
+
+  Literary Rendering, A, 284
+
+  Little to Give, 171
+
+  Long Ago, 348
+
+  Long Bill, A, 145
+
+  Long Illness, A, 279
+
+  Long Residence, A, 239
+
+  Long Story, 161
+
+  Look-A-head, 178
+
+  Look in his Face, 12
+
+  Losing an I, 113
+
+  Lost and Found, 276
+
+  Love, 220
+
+  Love and Hymen, 148
+
+  Love of the Sea, 157
+
+  Love Songs, by Dean Swift, 32
+
+  Lusus Naturæ, A, 189
+
+  Luxurious Smoking, 173
+
+  Lying, 208
+
+  Lying Consistently, 20
+
+
+  MAC READY TO CALL, 178
+
+  Mad Quakers, 138
+
+  Maids and Wives, 43
+
+  Majesty of Mud, The, 61
+
+  Making a Clearance, 143
+
+  Making Free, 263
+
+  Making Free with the Waist, 321
+
+  Making It Up, 52
+
+  Making Progress, 232
+
+  Malone, Sir Anthony, 184
+
+  Man and a Brother, A, 337
+
+  Man of Letters, A, 26
+
+  Man of Metal, A, 306
+
+  Man-traps, 179
+
+  Man Without a Rival, 198
+
+  Mark of Respect, A, 100
+
+  Marriage, 82, 211
+
+  Matrimony, 349
+
+  Matter in His Madness, 8
+
+  Maule-practice, 249
+
+  Measure for Measure, 64, 146
+
+  Measure of a Brain, The, 93
+
+  Measuring his Distance, 46
+
+  Mechanical Surgeon, A, 169
+
+  Medical Opinion, A, 158
+
+  Medicine must be of Use, The, 62
+
+  Melo-dramatic Hit, 279
+
+  Men of Letters, 205
+
+  Men of Weight, 322
+
+  Merry Thought, A, 346
+
+  Michaelmas Meeting, A, 331
+
+  Milesian Advice, 77
+
+  Military Axiom, A, 276
+
+  Military Eloquence, 310
+
+  Milton on Woman, 53
+
+  Mind your Points, 242
+
+  Minding his Business, 107
+
+  Minding his Cue, 203
+
+  Miser's Charity, 53
+
+  Mistake, A, 191
+
+  Mistaken Identity, 13
+
+  Model Philanthropist, A, 251
+
+  Modern Acting, 185
+
+  Modern Sculptor, A, 188
+
+  Modest, 46
+
+  Modest Merit, 75
+
+  Modest Request, 25
+
+  Money-Borrower Deceived, The, 306
+
+  Money-Lender, A, 217
+
+  Money Returned, 21
+
+  Money's Worth, 188
+
+  Money's Worth, 233, 262
+
+  Monster, A, 215
+
+  Moral Equality of Man, 93
+
+  More Honored in the Breach, 238
+
+  Mot of Defoe, 54
+
+  Motherly Remark, 233
+
+  Much Alike, 250
+
+  Multiplying One, 366
+
+  Musical Blow-up, A, 174
+
+  Musical Taste, 214
+
+  Mystery Cleared Up, A, 237
+
+
+  NAMELESS MAN, A, 260
+
+  Napoleon's Statue at Boulogne, 128
+
+  Nat Lee and Sir Roger L'Estrange, 43
+
+  National Prejudice, 247
+
+  Native Wit, 35
+
+  Natural, 300
+
+  Natural Antipathy, 228
+
+  Natural Grief, 186
+
+  Natural Transmutation, 60
+
+  Nature and Art, 273
+
+  Naval Oratory, 117
+
+  Neat Quotation, A, 65
+
+  Neat Suggestion, A, 315
+
+  Neck or Nothing, 24
+
+  Neighborly Politeness, 296
+
+  New Disguise, A, 141
+
+  New Idea, A, 296
+
+  New Reading, A, 201, 271
+
+  New Relationship, 3, 317
+
+  New Scholar, A, 98
+
+  New Sign, A, 154
+
+  New Sport, A, 104
+
+  New view, A, 255
+
+  New Way to Pay Old Debts, 29
+
+  New Way with Attorneys, A, 352
+
+  Nice Distinction, A, 95, 112
+
+  Nice Language, 120
+
+  Nicknames, 265
+
+  Night and Morning, 170
+
+  Nil Nisi, &c., 166
+
+  No Harm Done, 2
+
+  No Intrusion, 323
+
+  No Joke, 253
+
+  No Judge, 173
+
+  No Matter what Color, 242
+
+  No Music in his Soul, 329
+
+  No Pride, 171
+
+  No Redeeming Virtue, 309
+
+  No Sacrifice, 261
+
+  Noise for Nothing, A, 167
+
+  Nominal Rhymes, 83
+
+  Non Compos 260
+
+  Non Sequitur, 57
+
+  "None so Blind," &c., 58
+
+  North, Lord, Asleep, 161
+
+  North's, Lord, Drollery, 241
+
+  Nosce te Ipsum, 243
+
+  Not at all Anxious, 324
+
+  Not at Home, 207
+
+  Not Finding Himself, 347
+
+  Not giving Himself "Airs", 305
+
+  Not Importunate, 236
+
+  Not Improbable, 308
+
+  Not Insured Against Fire, 186
+
+  Not Necessary, 228
+
+  Not Polite, 119
+
+  Not Quite Correct, 252
+
+  Not Right, 20
+
+  Not Room for a Neighbor, 339
+
+  Not Sick Enough for That, 273
+
+  Not so Bad for a King, 58
+
+  Not so "Daft" as Reputed, 321
+
+  Not so Easy, 106
+
+  Not to be Believed, 342
+
+  Not to be Bought, 68
+
+  Not to be Done Brown, 276
+
+  Not to be Tempted, 218
+
+  Not to be Trifled with, 87
+
+  Not True, 154
+
+  Not _v._ Nott, 35
+
+  Nothing but Hebrew, 266
+
+  Nothing but the "Bill", 12
+
+  Nothing Personal, 190
+
+  Nothing Surprising, 339
+
+  Nothing to Boast of, 313
+
+  Nothing to Laugh at, 199
+
+  Notice to Quit, 125
+
+  Notions of Happiness, 181
+
+  Novel Complaint, A, 8
+
+  Novel Idea, A, 112
+
+  Novel Offence, 45
+
+  Novelty, A, 66
+
+
+  OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS, A, 328
+
+  Ocular, 307
+
+  Odd Bird, An, 102
+
+  Odd Comparison, An, 40
+
+  Odd Family, An, 99
+
+  Odd Fellow, An, 68
+
+  Odd Foresight, 166
+
+  Odd Housekeeping, 225
+
+  Odd Humor, 324
+
+  Odd Notion, An, 277
+
+  Odd Occurrence, An, 242
+
+  Odd Question, An, 186
+
+  Odd Reason, 213
+
+  "Off with his Head", 337
+
+  Offensive Preference, 325
+
+  Old Adage Refuted, An, 314
+
+  Old Age, 162
+
+  Old Friends, 311
+
+  Old Joke, An, 112
+
+  Old Stories over Again, 52
+
+  Old Times, 128
+
+  Ominous, Very!, 213
+
+  On the Right Side, 40
+
+  On the Spot, 327
+
+  One Bite at a Cherry, 150
+
+  One Fault, 312
+
+  "One for his Nob", 9
+
+  One Good Turn Deserves Another, 7
+
+  One Head Better than a Dozen, 126
+
+  One-Sided Joke, A, 353
+
+  One-Spur Horseman, The, 255
+
+  One Thing at a Time, 210
+
+  One Thing Wanting, The, 7
+
+  Only a Ninepin, 317
+
+  Only Enough for One, 200
+
+  Only for Life, 304
+
+  Open Confession, 289
+
+  Openly, 326
+
+  Opposite Tempers, 281
+
+  Orators, The, 185
+
+  Oratory, 252
+
+  Order for Two, An, 82
+
+  Order! Order!, 123
+
+  Origin of the term Grog, 268
+
+  Original Attraction, An, 79
+
+  Orthography, 277
+
+  Our English Love of Dinners, 176
+
+  "Our Landlady", 246
+
+  "Out, Brief Candle", 33
+
+  Out of Spirits, 302
+
+  Outline, An, 304
+
+  Outline of an Ambassador, 272
+
+  Outward Appearance, 28
+
+  Over-wise, 101
+
+  Oxford and Cambridge Actors, 132
+
+
+  PADDY'S LOGIC, 54
+
+  Painful Examination, A, 325
+
+  Painted Charms, 327
+
+  Painting, 162, 166
+
+  Painting and Medicine, 221
+
+  Par Nobile Fratrum, 148
+
+  Pardonable Mistake, A, 6
+
+  Parliamentary Case, 272
+
+  Parliamentary Reprimand, 184
+
+  Participation in a Practical Joke, 282
+
+  Partnership Dissolved, 88
+
+  Passing the Bottle, 11
+
+  Pat Reply, A, 161
+
+  Patience, 305
+
+  Patrick Henry, 175
+
+  Paying in Kind, 130, 257
+
+  Pence Table, 108
+
+  Perfect Bore, A, 246
+
+  Perfect Discontent, 131
+
+  Personalities of Garrick and Quin, 231
+
+  Pert, 164
+
+  Pertinent Enquiry, 208
+
+  Pertinent Question, A, 310, 347
+
+  Phenomenon Accounted for, A, 63
+
+  Philanthropist, The, 165
+
+  Philip, Earl, of Stanhope, 359
+
+  Philosophical Reason, A, 255
+
+  Phonetic Joke, A, 144
+
+  Picking Pockets, 321
+
+  Pickpocketing, 97
+
+  Piece de Resistance, 123
+
+  Piece of Plate, A, 113
+
+  Pig-headed, 56
+
+  Pigs and the Silver Spoon, The, 292
+
+  Pill Gratis, A, 133
+
+  Pink of Politeness, The, 36
+
+  Pious Minister, A, 131
+
+  Place Wanted, A, 67
+
+  Placebo, A, 67
+
+  Plain Enough, 267
+
+  Plain Language, 149
+
+  Plain Speaking, 249
+
+  Play upon Words, A, 256
+
+  Player, or Lord, 320
+
+  Playing on a Word, 33
+
+  Pleasant, 252
+
+  Pleasant Deserts, 72
+
+  Pleasant for a Father, 354
+
+  Pleasant Invitation, 8
+
+  Pleasant Message, A, 363
+
+  Pleasant Partner, A, 275
+
+  Plumper, A, 325
+
+  Plural Number, The, 249
+
+  Poet Foiled, The, 190
+
+  Poetical shape, A, 64
+
+  Poets to certain Critics, The, 225
+
+  Point, A, 106
+
+  Point Needing to be Settled, A, 349
+
+  Polite Rebuke, A, 208
+
+  Polite Scholar, The, 85
+
+  Political Corruption, 80
+
+  Political Logic, 348
+
+  Political Sinecure, 240
+
+  Poor Curate, The, 296
+
+  Poor Laugh, A, 349
+
+  Poor Law, 343
+
+  Poor Substitute, A, 301
+
+  Pope's Last Illness, 281
+
+  Popping the Question, 25
+
+  Porson _v._ Dr. Jowett, 214
+
+  Porson's Visit to the Continent, 27
+
+  Portmanteau _v._ Trunk, 127
+
+  Portrait Capitally Executed, A, 8
+
+  Poser, A, 44, 203, 226, 267, 287
+
+  Poser by Lord Ellenborough, A, 170
+
+  Possible Censors, 365
+
+  Post-Mortem, 69
+
+  Pot Valiant, 225
+
+  Powder without Ball, 281
+
+  Practical Retort, 248
+
+  Precautionary, 330
+
+  Preferable Way, A, 334
+
+  Preferment, 361
+
+  Prefix, A, 283
+
+  Pressing Reason, A, 232
+
+  Pretty, 308
+
+  Pretty Metaphor, A, 26
+
+  Pretty Picture, A, 38
+
+  Pretty Reply, A, 358
+
+  Previous Engagement, A, 366
+
+  Priest's Orders, 336
+
+  Prime's Preservative, 320
+
+  Primogeniture, 22
+
+  Prince of Orange and Judge Jefferies, The, 25
+
+  Principle of Governments, The, 314
+
+  Priority, 236
+
+  Probability, A, 147
+
+  Problem for Total Abstainers, A, 352
+
+  Profession and Practice, 331
+
+  Professional, 47
+
+  Professional Aim, A, 318
+
+  Professional Candor, 329
+
+  Professional Companions, 330
+
+  Professional Recognition, 351
+
+  Profitable Juggling, 97
+
+  Promise to Pay, A, 139
+
+  Proof Impression, 23
+
+  Proof Positive, 320
+
+  Proper Answer, A, 206
+
+  Proper Distinction, 174
+
+  Proper Name, A, 299
+
+  Proper Retort, A, 116
+
+  Prophecy, A, 74
+
+  Prosiness, 363
+
+  Proud Heart, A, 191
+
+  Proverb Reversed, A, 186
+
+  Provident Boy, A, 62
+
+  Proving their Metal, 16
+
+  Pulling up a Poet, 338
+
+  Punctuation, 139
+
+  Pungent Pinch, A, 336
+
+  "Puppies never See till they are Nine Days Old", 192
+
+  Pure Folks, 144
+
+  Purser, The, 28
+
+  Putting a Stop to Pilgrim's Progress, 90
+
+
+  Q.E.D., 79
+
+  Quaint Epitaph, 364
+
+  Qualifying for Bail, 33
+
+  Quantum Suff, 212
+
+  Quakerly Objection, A, 80
+
+  Queer Expression, A, 282
+
+  Queer Partners, 172
+
+  Query Answered, A, 62
+
+  Query for Mr. Babbage, A, 209
+
+  Question and Answer, 60
+
+  Question Answered, 312
+
+  Question for the Peerage, A, 167
+
+  Question of Descent, A, 354
+
+  Question of Time, 133
+
+  Quick Lie, A, 346
+
+  Quid Pro Quo, 86, 216, 267, 269
+
+  Quiet Dose, A, 226
+
+  Quiet Theft, 151
+
+  Quin and Charles I., 316
+
+  Quin and the Parson, 227
+
+  Quin's Saying, 50
+
+  Quin's Soliloquy on Seeing the embalmed body of Duke Humphrey, at
+      St. Alban's, 38
+
+  Quite Aground, 199
+
+  Quite at Ease, 271
+
+  Quite Natural, 53
+
+  Quite Perfection, 24
+
+  Quite Poetical, 219
+
+  Quite Professional, 290
+
+  Quite True, 85
+
+
+  RAILROAD ENGINEER, THE, 155
+
+  Rake's Economy, A, 164
+
+  Rare Virtue, 43
+
+  Rather A-curate, 262
+
+  Rather Ethereal, 278
+
+  Rather Ferocious, 303
+
+  Rather Hard, 133
+
+  Rather Saucy, 161
+
+  Rather the Worst Half, 257
+
+  Ready-made Wood Pavement, 174
+
+  Ready Reckoner, A, 70, 163, 259
+
+  Ready Reply, A, 73
+
+  Reason, A, 311
+
+  Reason for being too Late, A, 356
+
+  Reason for Belief, A, 326
+
+  Reason for Going to Church, 70
+
+  Reason for not Moving, A, 338
+
+  Reason for Polygamy, A, 342
+
+  Reason for Running Away, 248
+
+  Reason for Thick Ankles, 293
+
+  Reason Why, The, 94, 231
+
+  Reasonable Demand, A, 149
+
+  Reasonable Excuse, A, 193
+
+  Reasonable Preference, A, 323
+
+  Reasonable Refusal, A, 241
+
+  Reasonable Request, 102
+
+  Reasons for Drinking, 242
+
+  Rebel Lords, The, 196
+
+  Rebuke, A, 251
+
+  Reciprocal Action, 355
+
+  Recruiting Sergeant and Countryman, 86
+
+  Reflection, A, 96
+
+  Reformation, 176
+
+  Relations of Mankind, 173
+
+  Remarkable Echo, A, 309
+
+  Reproof, 115
+
+  Republic of Learning, The, 107
+
+  Republic of Letters, The, 324
+
+  Reputation, 181
+
+  Resignation, 144
+
+  Resting Herself, 334
+
+  Retort Cutting, The, 31
+
+  Reverse, A, 214
+
+  Reverse Joke, A, 221
+
+  Reverse of Circumstances, 10
+
+  Richmond Hoax, The, 262
+
+  Right Organ, The, 242
+
+  Rigid Impartiality, 359
+
+  Ringing the Changes, 91
+
+  Rising Son, The, 1
+
+  Riskful Adventure, A, 331
+
+  Rivals, The, 110
+
+  Rogers--Poet and Skipper, 176
+
+  Rowing in the Same Boat, 128
+
+  Rowland for an Oliver, A, 163
+
+  Royal Favor, 63
+
+  Royal Jest, A, 366
+
+  Royal Muff, A, 164
+
+  Royal Pun, 145
+
+  Rub at a Rascal, A, 61
+
+  Rule of Practice, A, 354
+
+  Ruling Passion after Death, The, 51
+
+  Ruling Passion Strong in Death, The, 200, 350
+
+  Ruling Passion, The, 129, 218, 367
+
+  Rum and Water, 141
+
+  Runaway Knock, A, 195
+
+  Running Accounts, 291
+
+  Running no Risk, 339
+
+
+  SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE, THE, 18
+
+  Safe Appeal, A, 108
+
+  Safe Side, The, 292
+
+  Sage Advice, 28
+
+  Sage Simile, A, 61
+
+  Sailor's Wedding, 215
+
+  St. Peter a Bachelor, 286
+
+  Salad, 221
+
+  Salic Law, The, 361
+
+  Salisbury Cathedral Spire, 147
+
+  Sanitary Air, A, 218
+
+  Satisfaction, 108
+
+  Satisfactory Explanation, A, 340
+
+  Satisfactory Reason, A, 115
+
+  Satisfactory Total, 105
+
+  Saucy Answer, A, 363
+
+  Save us from our Friends, 157
+
+  Saving Time, 247
+
+  Scandalous, 25
+
+  Scold's Vocabulary, The, 40
+
+  Scotch Caution, 119
+
+  Scotch Medium, 130
+
+  Scotch Penetration, 133
+
+  Scotch Simplicity, 42
+
+  Scotch Understanding, 66
+
+  Scotch "Wut", 168, 316
+
+  Scotchman and Highwaymen, 291
+
+  Scott, Sir Walter, and Constable, 288
+
+  Scott's, Sir Walter, Parritch-pan, 283
+
+  Sealing an Oath, 65
+
+  Seasonable Joke, A, 89, 273
+
+  Season-ings, The, 207
+
+  Secret Discovered, A, 357
+
+  Seeing a Coronation, 127
+
+  Seeing not Believing, 270
+
+  Self-Applause, 314
+
+  Self-Conceit, 235
+
+  Self-Condemnation, 265, 325
+
+  Self-Interest, 367
+
+  Self-Knowledge, 76
+
+  Selwyn, George, 47
+
+  Sensibility, 304
+
+  Sent Home Free, 192
+
+  Sentence of Death, 34
+
+  Sermons in Stones, 341
+
+  Servants, 267
+
+  Setting him Up to Knock him Down, 178
+
+  Setting Up and Sitting Down, 256
+
+  Settled Point, A, 256
+
+  Settler, A, 149
+
+  Severe, 261
+
+  Severe Rebuke, 285
+
+  Shakespeare Illustrated, 129
+
+  Shakespearian Grog, 350
+
+  Shaking Hands, 53
+
+  Sharp Boy, 261
+
+  Sharp Brush, A, 320
+
+  Sharp, if not Pleasant, 245
+
+  Sheepish Compliment, A, 44
+
+  Sheridan and Burke, 336
+
+  Sheridan Convivial, 268
+
+  Short and Sharp, 134
+
+  Short Commons, 160
+
+  Short Creed, A, 218
+
+  Short Journey, 170, 278
+
+  Short Measure, 168
+
+  Short-Sighted, 254
+
+  Short Stories, 79
+
+  Should not Silence Give Consent, 236
+
+  Shuffling Answer, A, 327
+
+  Sign of being Cracked, 68
+
+  Significant Difference, A, 332
+
+  Silent Appreciation, 332
+
+  Silk Gown, A, 93
+
+  Simile, A, 344
+
+  Simple Division, 19
+
+  Simplicity of the Learned Porson, 82
+
+  Sims, Dr., 211
+
+  Sinecure, A, 182
+
+  "Sinking" the Well, 297
+
+  Slack Payment, 175
+
+  Sleeping at Church, 268
+
+  Sleeping Round, 106
+
+  Slight Difference, A, 111, 238
+
+  Slight Eruption, A, 114
+
+  Small Glass, A, 92
+
+  Small Inheritance, A, 3
+
+  Small Joke, A, 343
+
+  Small Talk, 303
+
+  Small Wit, 232
+
+  Smart One-pounder, A, 143
+
+  Smart Reply, 220
+
+  Smoking an M.P., 114
+
+  Smoothing It Down, 321
+
+  Snoring, 159
+
+  Snuff-box, The, 273
+
+  Snug Lying, 205
+
+  Soft, Very!, 76
+
+  Soldiers' Wives, 253
+
+  Solomon's Temple, 202
+
+  Something for Dr. Darwin, 1
+
+  Something Lacking, 204
+
+  Something Like an Insult, 80
+
+  Something Sharp, 344
+
+  Something to be Grateful for, 350
+
+  Something to be Proud of, 293
+
+  Something to Pocket, 301
+
+  Soporific, A, 195, 310
+
+  Sought and Found, 309
+
+  Sound and Fury, 9
+
+  Sound Conclusion, A, 57
+
+  Sound Sleeper, 17
+
+  Spare Man, A, 145
+
+  Spare the Rod, 239
+
+  Speaking Canvas, The, 307
+
+  Speaking of Sausages, 245
+
+  Special Pleading, 37
+
+  Species and Specie, 189
+
+  Specific Gravity of Folly, The, 155
+
+  Specimen of the Laconic, 306
+
+  Specimen of University Etiquette, 158
+
+  Spirit and the Letter, The, 112
+
+  Spirit of a Gambler, 270
+
+  Spiritual and Spirituous, 5
+
+  Spranger Barry, 146
+
+  Sprig of Shillalah, A, 27
+
+  Staffordshire Collieries, The, 202
+
+  Steam-boat Racing, 150
+
+  Sterne, 131
+
+  Stone Blind, 71
+
+  Stop Watch, A, 184
+
+  Stopper, A, 70
+
+  Stout Swimmer, A, 334
+
+  Strange Jetsum, 133
+
+  Strange Objection, A, 143
+
+  Strange Vespers, 201
+
+  Stray Shot, A, 77
+
+  Striking Notice, A, 9
+
+  Striking Point, A, 102
+
+  Striking Reproof, 38
+
+  Subtraction and Addition, 14
+
+  Sudden Change, A, 90
+
+  Sudden Freedom, 345
+
+  Suggestion, 49
+
+  Suggestive Pair of Grays, A, 197
+
+  Suggestive Present, A, 140
+
+  Suggestive Question, A, 148
+
+  Suggestive Repudiation, 323
+
+  Suited to his Subject, 35
+
+  Summary Decision, 194
+
+  Sun in his Eye, The, 346
+
+  Superfluous Scraper, A, 356
+
+  Superiority of Machinery, The, 306
+
+  Sure Take, A, 277
+
+  Swearing the Peace, 217
+
+  Sweeps, 234
+
+  Swift, Dean, and King William, 117
+
+  Sword and the Scabbard, The, 108
+
+  Sydney Smith, 104
+
+  Sydney Smith Soporific, 223
+
+  Syllabic Difference, A, 297
+
+  Symbol, A, 7
+
+
+  TAKE WARNING!, 315
+
+  Taking a Hint, 217
+
+  Taking his Measure, 121
+
+  Tall and Short, 40
+
+  Taste of Marriage, A, 165
+
+  Tavern Dinner, A, 264
+
+  Tell it not in England, 329
+
+  Telling One's Age, 225
+
+  Temperance Cruets, 284
+
+  Tender Suggestion, A, 345
+
+  Terrible Possibility, A, 343
+
+  "The Mixture as Before", 22
+
+  Theatrical Mistakes, 98
+
+  Theatrical Purgations, 314
+
+  Theatrical Wit, 124
+
+  Thelwall, Mr., 209
+
+  "Thereby Hangs," &c., 167
+
+  Things by their Right Names, 210
+
+  Three Causes, 7
+
+  Three Degrees of Comparison, 205
+
+  Three Ends to a Rope, 231
+
+  Three Touchstones, 15
+
+  "Throw Physic to the Dogs!", 233
+
+  Thurlow and Pitt, 121
+
+  Ticklish Opening, A, 324
+
+  Tierney's, Mr., Humor, 277
+
+  Tillotson, 280
+
+  Time Out of Joint, The, 187
+
+  Time Works Wonders, 112
+
+  Timely Aid, 243
+
+  Timely Flattery, 316
+
+  Timely Reproof, A, 115
+
+  Timidity of Beauty, The, 143
+
+  To the Coming Man, 313
+
+  Too Civil, 55
+
+  Too Civil by Half, 246
+
+  Too Clever, 250
+
+  Too Fast, 220
+
+  Too Good, 233
+
+  Too Grateful, 224
+
+  Too Liberal, 260
+
+  Too Many Cooks, 11
+
+  Too Much and Too Little, 244
+
+  Too Much at Once, 364
+
+  Too Much of a Bad Thing, 165
+
+  Too Cold to Change, 65
+
+  Top and Bottom, 140
+
+  Tory Liberality, 56
+
+  Touching, 109
+
+  Trade against Land, 156
+
+  Tragedy MS., 43
+
+  Transformation Scene, A, 201
+
+  Transporting Subject, A, 221
+
+  Transposing a Compliment, 41
+
+  Travellers See Strange Things, 317
+
+  Trophies, 210
+
+  True and False, 251
+
+  True Courtier, A, 43
+
+  True Criticism, 267
+
+  True Dignity, 261
+
+  True Evidence, 156
+
+  True Joke, A, 60
+
+  True of Both, 287
+
+  True Philosophy, 288
+
+  True Politeness, 164
+
+  True to the Letter, 287
+
+  True Wit, 123
+
+  Trump Card, A, 13
+
+  Truth and Fiction, 240
+
+  Truth and Rhyme, 137
+
+  Truth at Last, 133
+
+  Truth by Accident, The, 216
+
+  Truth for the Ladies, A, 100
+
+  Truth not Always to be Spoken, 88
+
+  Truth not to be Spoken at All Times, 78
+
+  Truth _v._ Politeness, 255
+
+  Trying to the Temper, 258
+
+  Twice Ruined, 79
+
+  Two Carriages, 275
+
+  Two Cures for Ague, 353
+
+  Two Make a Pair, 159
+
+  Two of a Trade, 77
+
+  Two Sides to a Speech, 90
+
+  Two Smiths, The, 28
+
+  Twofold Illustration, 42
+
+  Typographical Transfer, A, 332
+
+  Typographical Wit, 260
+
+
+  UGLY DOG, AN, 48
+
+  Ugly Trades, 304
+
+  Unanswerable Argument, An, 299
+
+  Uncivil Warning, 351
+
+  Unconscious Insult, An, 317
+
+  Unconscious Postscript, An, 206
+
+  Unequal Arrangement, An, 355
+
+  Unexpected Cannonade, An, 340
+
+  Unfortunate Lover, An, 181
+
+  Union is Strength, 51
+
+  Union of Opposites, 319
+
+  Unkind, 117
+
+  Unknown Tongue, 38
+
+  Unlikely Result, An, 348
+
+  Unpoetical Reply, 120
+
+  Unreasonable, 94
+
+  Unre-hearsed Effect, An, 65
+
+  Unremitting Kindness, 100
+
+  Untaxed Luxury, An, 319
+
+  Unwelcome Agreement, 158
+
+  Up and Down, 301
+
+  Up in the World, 9
+
+  Upright Man, An, 87
+
+  Use is Second Nature, 196
+
+  Useful Ally, A, 90
+
+  Utilitarian Inquiry, A, 328
+
+
+  VAILS TO SERVANTS, 85
+
+  Vain Search, A, 96
+
+  Vain Threat, A, 343
+
+  Valuable Beaver, A, 301
+
+  Valuable Discovery, 90
+
+  Value of Applause, 171
+
+  Value of Nothing, 241
+
+  Vast Domain, 21
+
+  Vera Cannie, 243
+
+  Verse and Worse, 118
+
+  Verses Written on a Window in the Highlands of Scotland, 15
+
+  Very Appropriate, 287
+
+  Very Clear, 46
+
+  Very Easy, 303
+
+  Very Evident, 213
+
+  Very Like Each Other, 270
+
+  Very Likely, 249, 312
+
+  Very Pointed, 22
+
+  Very Pretty, 102
+
+  Very Serious, 130
+
+  Very Shocking, if True, 254
+
+  Very True, 173, 286
+
+  Vice Versâ, 190
+
+  Visible Darkness, 10
+
+  Visible Proof, 82
+
+  Visibly Losing, 293
+
+  Voluminous Speaker, A, 148
+
+  Vox et Præterea Nihil, 147
+
+  Vulgar Arguments, 122
+
+  Vulgarity, 362
+
+
+  WALKING STICK, A, 326
+
+  Walpoliana, 107, 111, 119
+
+  Warm Friendships, 98
+
+  Warm Man, A, 348
+
+  Warning to Ladies, 54
+
+  Waste of Time, 42
+
+  Waste Powder, 18
+
+  Way of the World, 75
+
+  Way of Using Books, 175
+
+  Weak Woman, A, 11
+
+  Wearing Away, 347
+
+  Well-bred Horse, 9
+
+  Well Matched, 6
+
+  Well Said, 268
+
+  Well Turned, 346
+
+  Wellington, Duke of, and the Aurist, 87
+
+  Wellington Surprised, 250
+
+  Welsh Wig-ging, A, 26
+
+  Wet and Dry, 141
+
+  What Everybody Does, 294
+
+  What is an Archdeacon?, 295
+
+  What's a Hat without a Head?, 285
+
+  What's Going On?, 159
+
+  What's in a Name?, 279
+
+  What's in a Syllable?, 151
+
+  What's my Thought Like?, 305
+
+  Wheel of Fortune, The, 195
+
+  Where it came from, 316
+
+  Where is the Audience?, 183
+
+  Whig and Tory, 67
+
+  Whist, 244
+
+  Whist-Playing, 229
+
+  Whitbread's Entire, 359
+
+  White Hands, 287
+
+  White Teeth, 275
+
+  Who's the Fool?, 132
+
+  Who's to Blame?, 136
+
+  Whose?, 192
+
+  Why are Women Beardless?, 208
+
+  Why Master of the House?, 330
+
+  Wide-awake Minister, A, 347
+
+  Wide Difference, A, 345
+
+  "Wide, Wide Sea," The, 315
+
+  Wife at Forty, A, 45
+
+  Wignell, the Actor, 72
+
+  Wilberforce, Miss, 298
+
+  Wilkes and Liberty, 161
+
+  Wilkes and a Liberty, 143
+
+  Wilkes's Ready Reply, 224
+
+  Wilkes's Tergiversation, 114
+
+  Wilkie's Simplicity, 91
+
+  Will and Away, A, 259
+
+  Will and the Way, 193
+
+  Will, The, 104
+
+  Windy Minister, A, 259
+
+  Winner at Cards, A, 303
+
+  Winning a Loss, 160
+
+  Wise Decision, A, 348
+
+  Wise Fool, A, 198
+
+  Wise Precaution, 13
+
+  Wise Son who knew his own Father, A, 6
+
+  Wit and Quackery, 95
+
+  Wit Defined, 95
+
+  Wits Agreeing, 354
+
+  Witty at his own Expense, 365
+
+  Witty Coward, 236
+
+  Witty Proposition, A, 348
+
+  Witty Thanksgiving, 338
+
+  Wolfe, General, 167
+
+  Woman's Promises, A, 62
+
+  Women, 229
+
+  Wonderful Cure, A, 179
+
+  Wonderful Sight, A, 258
+
+  Wonderful Unanimity, 331
+
+  Wonderful Woman, A, 5
+
+  Wooden Joke, A, 314
+
+  Woodman, A, 63
+
+  Woolsack, The, 232
+
+  Word in Season, A, 340
+
+  Word to the Wise, A, 135
+
+  Words that Burn, 11
+
+  Worst of all Crimes, The, 63
+
+  Worst of Two Evils, The, 269
+
+  Worth the Money, 35
+
+  Worthy of Credit, 129
+
+  "Write me Down an Ass", 135
+
+  Writing for the Stage, 234
+
+  Writing Treason, 230
+
+  Written Character, A, 6
+
+  Wrong Leg, The, 48
+
+
+  YANKEE YARN, A, 157
+
+  Yorke, Mr. Charles, 361
+
+  Yorkshire Bull, A, 353
+
+  "You'll Get There Before I Can Tell You", 239
+
+  Young, Dr., 156
+
+  Young Idea, The, 247
+
+
+  ZODIAC CLUB, THE, 37
+
+
+  Transcriber's notes
+
+    Corrections to the Text.
+      Page 49, diagreeable corrected to disagreeable.
+      Page 72, betyraing corrected to betraying.
+      Page 171, LITLLE corrected to LITTLE.
+      Page 178, ill-conwenience corrected to ill-convenience.
+      Page 197, your're corrected to you're.
+      Page 275, distingushed corrected to distinguished.
+      Page 297, aud corrected to and.
+      Page 309, secretely corrected to secretly.
+      Page 341, Eor corrected to For.
+      Page 364, duplicated a removed.
+      Punctuation printing errors were corrected throughout the text.
+
+
+    Corrections to the Index.
+      Acres and Wiseacres, 335 corrected to 355.
+      Affectation, 90 corrected to 98.
+      Best Wine, The, 193 corrected to 300.
+      Brief Correspondence, 178 corrected to 179.
+      Cause and Effect, 318 corrected to 344.
+      Hinc Illæ Lachrymæ, 70 corrected to Ille, as per entry on page 70.
+      Sage Advice, 128 corrected to 28.
+      Reverse of Circumstances, 9 corrected to 10.
+      Reason Why, The, 213 corrected to 231.
+      New Scholar, A, 82 corrected to 98.
+      Naval Oratory, 108 corrected to 117.
+      Money's Work, 188 corrected to Money's Worth, as per entry on
+        page 188.
+      Omnious, Very!, 213 corrected to Ominous, as per entry on page 213.
+      Explanation, An, 180, was out of order alphabetically, and was moved
+        one line down.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jest Book, by Mark Lemon
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jest Book, by Mark Lemon
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Jest Book
+       The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings
+
+Author: Mark Lemon
+
+Release Date: January 13, 2007 [EBook #20352]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE JEST BOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Christine D. and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class="padding">
+<h1><span class="smcap">The Jest Book</span></h1>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100px;">
+<img src="images/001.jpg" width="100" height="68" alt="crest" title="crest" />
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="padding">
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">University Press: Welch, Bigelow, &amp; Co.</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80px;">
+<img src="images/002.jpg" width="80" height="60" alt="crest" title="crest" />
+</div>
+</div>
+<div class="padding">
+<h1><span class="smcap">The Jest Book</span></h1>
+
+<h4>THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS</h4>
+
+<p class="center">SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY</p>
+
+<h2>MARK LEMON</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/003.jpg" width="400" height="403" alt="Title page" title="Title page" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="center">CAMBRIDGE<br />
+SEVER AND FRANCIS<br />
+1865</p>
+</div>
+<div class="padding">
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/005.jpg" width="400" height="186" alt="Preface decorative" title="Preface decorative" />
+</div></div>
+
+<h2>PREFACE.</h2>
+
+<p>The Compiler of this new <span class="smcap">Jest Book</span> is desirous to make known that it is
+composed mainly of old jokes,&mdash;some older than Joe Miller himself,&mdash;with
+a liberal sprinkling of new jests gathered from books and hearsay. In
+the course of his researches he has been surprised to find how many
+Jests, Impromptus, and Repartees have passed current, century after
+century, until their original utterer is lost in the "mist of ages"; a
+Good Joke being transferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus
+resembling certain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but
+are never consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they have
+satisfied themselves as to the <i>Origin of Species</i> and the <i>Antiquity of
+Man</i>, could not better employ their speculative minds than in
+determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable "joes" which have
+been in circulation beyond the remembrance of that mythical personage,
+"the Oldest Inhabitant."</p>
+
+<p>A true Briton loves a good joke, and regards it like "a thing of
+beauty," "a joy forever," therefore we may opine that Yorick's "flashes
+of merriment, which were wont to set the table in a roar," when Hamlet
+was king in Denmark, were transported hither by our Danish invaders, and
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span>descended to Wamba, Will Somers, Killigrew, and other accredited
+jesters, until Mr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe
+and tankard, when seated with his delighted auditory at the <i>Black Jack</i>
+in Clare Market.</p>
+
+<p>Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe's fame, decreeing the
+collection of his jests to Captain Motley, who wrote short-lived plays
+in the time of the First and Second Georges; but the same false Medium
+has affected to discover that Dick Whittington did not come to London
+City at the tail of a road wagon, neither was he be-ladled by a cross
+cook, and driven forth to Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return
+and make venture of his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice
+Lord Mayor of London, albeit it is written in City chronicles, that
+Whittington's statue and the effigy of his gold-compelling Grimalkin
+long stood over the door of New Gate prison-house. We would not have
+destroyed the faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to
+succeed it in that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as the
+Ptolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts in
+Europe. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest Joe Miller,
+but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of Bartlemy Fair, and
+visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against the Hospital gate of St.
+Bartholomew, where Joe, probably, is to dance "the English Maggot
+dance," and after the appearance of "two Harlequins, conclude with a
+Grand Dance and Chorus, accompanied with Kettledrums-&nbsp;and Trumpets." And
+when the Fair is over, and we are no longer invited to "walk up," let us
+march in the train of the great Mime, until he takes his ease in his
+inn,&mdash;the <i>Black Jack</i> aforesaid,&mdash;and laugh at his jibes and flashes of
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span>merriment, before the Mad Wag shall be silenced by the great killjoy,
+Death, and the jester's boon companions shall lay him in the graveyard
+in Portugal Fields, placing over him a friendly record of his social
+virtues.</p>
+
+<p>Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall not rob us of that
+conviction!</p>
+
+<p>The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and
+diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false,&mdash;the pure gold
+from Brummagem brass. He has carefully perused the Eight learned
+chapters on "Thoughts on Jesting," by Frederick Meier, Professor of
+Philosophy at Halle, and Member of the Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein
+it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a
+great Wit and Acumen, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." ...
+"Hypocrites, with the appearance but without the reality of virtue,
+condemn from the teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they
+sincerely approve in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous Persons
+also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or
+erroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives
+me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long
+as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy,
+and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long
+they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise
+their Judgment."</p>
+
+<p>Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that "Wit lies in an
+assemblage of ideas, and putting them together with quickness and
+vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance and congruity whereby to
+make up pleasant pictures and agreeable visions of fancy."</p>
+
+<p>Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limits his definition by
+observing that "an assemblage of Ideas<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span> productive merely of pleasure
+does not constitute Wit, but of those only which to delight add
+surprise."</p>
+
+<p>Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit "to consist in a quick
+conception of Thought and an easy Delivery"; nor the many other
+definitions by Inferior hands, "too numerous to mention."</p>
+
+<p>The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions, was a
+conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty,
+"which," said the Philosopher, "was the question of a Blind man"; and
+despairing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Compiler of
+the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd
+sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the
+Irreverent, so that of the Seventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not
+one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will
+miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare
+it to be miserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability to
+show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<i>The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird is an owl;</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravest man is a fool</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his
+Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he
+has brought together.</p>
+
+<p class="right">M.L.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 155px;">
+<img src="images/008.jpg" width="155" height="100" alt="crest" title="crest" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="padding">
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/009.jpg" width="400" height="137" alt="First page decorative" title="First page decorative" />
+</div></div>
+
+<h2><a name="THE_JEST_BOOK" id="THE_JEST_BOOK"></a>THE JEST BOOK.</h2>
+
+<h4>I.&mdash;THE RISING SON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Pope</span> dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many
+compliments. "I wonder, Pope," said the prince, "that you, who are so
+severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me."&mdash;"It is," said the
+wily bard, "because I like the lion before his claws are grown."</p>
+
+<h4>II.&mdash;SOMETHING FOR DR. DARWIN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Watkin Williams Wynne</span> talking to a friend about the antiquity of his
+family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere
+mushroom of yesterday. "How so, pray?" said the baronet. "Why,"
+continued the other, "when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular
+family was shown to me: it filled five large skins of parchment, and
+near the middle of it was a note in the margin: '<i>About this time the
+world was created</i>.'"</p>
+
+<h4>III.&mdash;A BAD EXAMPLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> noble lord being in his early years much addicted to
+dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman,
+whose food was herbs and his drink water. "What! madam," said he, "would
+you have me to imitate a man who <i>eats like a beast, and drinks like a
+fish</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>IV.&mdash;A CONFIRMED INVALID.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> woman, who had attended several confirmations,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> was at length
+recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen you here before?" said
+his lordship. "Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as
+I can; they tell me it is <i>good for the rheumatis</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>V.&mdash;COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chancellor Hardwick's</span> bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to
+procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the
+dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he
+could not suppress, "I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have
+got a sow exactly of <i>your ladyship's size</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>VI.&mdash;AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had
+been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The diamond quit&mdash;with me the pencil take,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So shall <i>your shame</i> but short duration make;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who 't was that <i>wrote so ill!&mdash;and loved so well</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>VII.&mdash;NO HARM DONE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of
+his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had
+called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then,
+I shall soon make up the quarrel."</p>
+
+<h4>VIII.&mdash;BEARDING A BARBER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Highlander</span>, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to
+get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having
+shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No,
+no," says the shaver; "I'll give you a penny, and if that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> does not
+satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked
+what he had to pay. "A penny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says
+Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye, <i>pit on</i> my beard again."</p>
+
+<h4>IX.&mdash;CHANGING HIS COAT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A wealthy</span> merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential
+friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded,
+by saying, "Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as
+it is now too late to part them. But then his condition; how can I
+introduce him?"&mdash;"Nonsense," replied his companion; "introduce him as a
+<i>Liveryman</i> of the <i>city of London</i>. <i>What</i> is more honorable?"</p>
+
+<h4>X.&mdash;GOOD ADVICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady</span> &mdash;&mdash; spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small
+beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. "I know no method so
+effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of <i>good</i>
+ale by it."</p>
+
+<h4>XI.&mdash;NEW RELATIONSHIP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A stranger</span> to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
+expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, "they are
+brothers&mdash;<i>brothers-in-law</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XII.&mdash;A SMALL INHERITANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his
+speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of
+Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: "It is the little
+inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will
+leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of
+those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. "Just look
+at Mitford," said a by-stander to Horne Tooke; "what on earth is he
+crying for?" Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a <i>small</i>
+inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>XIII.&mdash;A DIFFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who
+explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "I'm
+aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the <i>i-t-c-h</i> in your name,"
+said Jerrold.</p>
+
+<h4>XIV.&mdash;THE LIGHT SUBJECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those
+who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of
+<i>one fourth</i>. "This at least," said a sufferer, "may be called, giving
+them some <i>quarter</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XV.&mdash;COMPLIMENTARY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord North</span>, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his
+physician after it, "Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some
+old acquaintances."&mdash;"Who are they, my lord?"&mdash;"<i>My ribs,</i>" replied his
+lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now."</p>
+
+<h4>XVI.&mdash;A FAIR SUBSTITUTE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that
+probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the
+honor. "Well, but," said Lord S., "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like
+it."&mdash;"Then let the king <i>knight her</i>," answered the rough seaman.</p>
+
+<h4>XVII.&mdash;A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Daniel Purcell</span>, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore.
+"Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O,
+sir," said he, "the <i>king</i> is no <i>subject</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XVIII.&mdash;A CONVERT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A notorious</span> miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon,
+exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have
+almost a mind to turn <i>beggar</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>XIX.&mdash;INCREDIBLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these
+attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now guess," said he, "how
+I came by these boots?" Many <i>probable</i> guesses then took place. "No!"
+said Sheridan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will,&mdash;I bought them,
+and paid for them!"</p>
+
+<h4>XX.&mdash;ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's
+allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of
+many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you
+need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year."&mdash;"Yes,
+father, I must confess you <i>allowed</i> it; but then it was never paid."</p>
+
+<h4>XXI.&mdash;SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Pitcairn</span> had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church,
+probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that
+gentleman of having been a warm admirer of <i>Calvinism</i>), and seeing the
+parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject: "What
+makes the man <i>greet</i>?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him.
+"By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too,
+if you were in his place, <i>and had as little to say</i>."&mdash;"Come along with
+me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow
+to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.</p>
+
+<h4>XXII.&mdash;A WONDERFUL WOMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her
+eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty
+to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the
+nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in
+the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a
+nervous complaint, was asked in her turn,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> "What brought her to
+Buxton?"&mdash;"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess;
+"for, thank God, I was born before <i>nerves came into fashion</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXIII.&mdash;A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman
+of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart.
+Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed,
+"Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a
+shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking
+archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must <i>borrow</i> it." Sheridan
+was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.</p>
+
+<h4>XXIV.&mdash;A WRITTEN CHARACTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">George III.</span> having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a
+large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his
+majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,"
+was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing;
+"it will do very well for the <i>next horse you sell</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXV.&mdash;WELL MATCHED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Busby</span>, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day
+accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal
+stature, with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor,
+politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"&mdash;"O, sir," said the
+baronet, "my expression alluded to the <i>size of your intellect</i>."&mdash;"And
+my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the <i>size of yours</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXVI.&mdash;A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A butcher</span> of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at
+a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the
+ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To
+which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, "Madam,
+the best rump I cannot <i>sell</i> lower than tenpence halfpenny <i>a pound</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>XXVII.&mdash;THREE CAUSES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Three</span> gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, <i>because
+he was hot</i>. "Bring me another," says his companion, "<i>because I am
+cold</i>." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out,
+"Here, boy, bring me a glass, <i>because I like it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXVIII.&mdash;THE CONNOISSEUR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> to whom the curiosities, buildings, &amp;c., in Oxford were shown
+one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the
+remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur, "I
+am <i>stone blind</i> already."</p>
+
+<h4>XXIX.&mdash;A SYMBOL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A satiric</span> poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk
+ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of some
+of the saints, who are always painted with <i>the symbols</i> of their
+martyrdom."</p>
+
+<h4>XXX.&mdash;THE ONE THING WANTING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her
+sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a <i>match</i>; I think you
+want the <i>brimstone</i>";&mdash;she replied, "No, not the <i>brimstone</i>, only the
+<i>spark</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXXI.&mdash;A HORSE LAUGH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A coachman</span>, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that
+"if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would <i>bear malice</i> like a
+<i>Christian</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXXII.&mdash;ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. A.</span>, physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to
+reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's
+misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you
+would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as <i>I have
+covered so many blunders of yours</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>XXXIII.&mdash;A NOVEL COMPLAINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A rich</span> man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician
+felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"&mdash;"Yes," said the patient.
+"Do you sleep well?"&mdash;"I do."&mdash;"Then," said the physician, "I shall give
+you something to take away <i>all that</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>XXXIV.&mdash;A CONJUGAL CAUTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir George Etherege</span>, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself
+from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun
+him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would
+certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message
+being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband,
+who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that
+had the impudence!"&mdash;"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the
+good man; "you don't know what a man may do <i>in a passion</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXXV.&mdash;A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article:
+"Memoirs of Charles the First,&mdash;with, a <i>head capitally executed</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXXVI.&mdash;MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lunatic</span> in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a
+dispute."&mdash;"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was
+<i>mad</i>; I said the world was <i>mad</i>, and they <i>outwitted me</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXXVII.&mdash;PLEASANT INVITATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a
+gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a
+picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day
+came to see it, and says it is <i>a copy</i>. If any one says so again, I'll
+<i>break his head</i>. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to
+come, and give me <i>your real opinion of it</i>?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>XXXVIII.&mdash;WELL-BRED HORSE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">How</span> does your new-purchased horse <i>answer</i>?" said the late Duke of
+Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I <i>really</i> don't know," replied George,
+"for I never <i>asked him a question</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XXXIX.&mdash;"ONE FOR HIS NOB."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A barrister</span> entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he
+was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every
+observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself
+to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this
+wig."&mdash;"Nothing but <i>the head</i>," was the answer.</p>
+
+<h4>XL.&mdash;SOUND AND FURY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on
+the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the
+philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music?
+"No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all <i>noises</i>, I think music is
+the least disagreeable."</p>
+
+<h4>XLI.&mdash;COME OF AGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing
+to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied
+the other; "but I can inform you that <i>an ass</i> is older at twenty than a
+man at sixty!"</p>
+
+<h4>XLII.&mdash;A STRIKING NOTICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was
+pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care,
+friend, thou mayest run <i>thy face</i> against <i>my fist</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XLIII.&mdash;UP IN THE WORLD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A fellow</span> boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father
+died in an exalted situation. Some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> of the company looking incredulous,
+another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as
+my father was sheriff for the county when his was <i>hanged</i> for
+horse-stealing."</p>
+
+<h4>XLIV.&mdash;REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> General V&mdash;&mdash; was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his
+lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old
+beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with
+fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage,
+the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to
+your honor's honor: for sure I did not <i>dream</i> last night that her
+ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of
+tobacco."&mdash;"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of
+contrary."&mdash;"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean,
+that your honor will give me <i>the tea</i>, and her ladyship <i>the tobacco</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XLV.&mdash;A DOGGED ANSWER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Boswell</span>, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think
+that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet.
+"I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a <i>dog</i> in the town
+but what thinks so."</p>
+
+<h4>XLVI.&mdash;VISIBLE DARKNESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to
+render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a
+couple of <i>decent</i> candles to <i>see</i> how these others <i>burn</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XLVII.&mdash;HIC-CUPPING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner
+introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift
+addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, h&aelig;c,
+hoc, with you."&mdash;"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to
+comply, but it must be out of a <i>hujus</i> glass."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>XLVIII.&mdash;WORDS THAT BURN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Robertson</span> observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the
+righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes,"
+exclaimed Burke, "<i>oil of vitriol</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>XLIX.&mdash;PASSING THE BOTTLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord,
+he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle
+at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand,
+he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if <i>the
+bottle was passed so quickly</i>, not one of them would be able to stand
+out the evening."</p>
+
+<h4>L.&mdash;"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Rogers</span> was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis
+whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight,
+"Will you, Sir Philip,&mdash;will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a
+single question?"&mdash;"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic
+answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked
+him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether
+he is <i>Junius</i>; but, if he be, he is certainly <i>Junius Brutus</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LI.&mdash;A WEAK WOMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A loving</span> husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe
+for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the
+doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks after,
+the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife
+followed my advice?"&mdash;"She has done everything in her power to do it,
+doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get the glass <i>higher
+than her mouth</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LII.&mdash;TOO MANY COOKS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Elwes</span>, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> servant, your
+work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three,
+you may <i>do it yourself</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LIII.&mdash;LOOK IN HIS FACE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Lord Howe</span>, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
+middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
+with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
+that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
+shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
+and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
+afraid, the fire is extinguished."&mdash;"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
+you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
+lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
+when he is afraid? <i>I need not ask how he looks</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LIV.&mdash;NOTHING BUT THE "BILL."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">John Horne Tooke's</span> opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. "Law,"
+he said, "ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be
+easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A person observed
+to him, how excellent are the English laws, because they are impartial,
+and our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction.
+"And so," said Tooke, "is the <i>London Tavern</i>, to such as can afford to
+<i>pay for their entertainment</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LV.&mdash;AN EXTINGUISHER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">While</span> Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight,
+with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came
+running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our ship is on fire very near the
+powder magazine."&mdash;"Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not in the
+least degree discomposed, "<i>run back and assist in putting it out</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LVI.&mdash;A BAD SHOT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A cockney</span> being out one day amusing himself with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> shooting, happened to
+fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The
+shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. "Did you fire at
+me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd sportsman, "I
+<i>never hit</i> what I fire at."</p>
+
+<h4>LVII.&mdash;WISE PRECAUTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure
+hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful
+and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon which he
+suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be <i>grave</i>: here comes a
+<i>fool</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LVIII.&mdash;A TRUMP CARD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago,
+Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess
+observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous
+than the rage for play among men. "In short, you think," said Mr.
+Rogers, "that <i>clubs</i> are worse than <i>diamonds</i>." This joke excited a
+laugh; and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following
+<i>impromptu</i> sermonet&mdash;most appropriately <i>on a card</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unmindful of that <i>Knave of Spades</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The Sexton and his Subs:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How foolishly we play our parts!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our <i>wives</i> on <i>diamonds</i> set their <i>hearts</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>We</i> set our <i>hearts</i> on <i>clubs</i>!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>LIX.&mdash;MISTAKEN IDENTITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> attending a lady several times, had received a couple of
+guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but
+one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "I believe,
+madam," said he, "I have <i>dropt a guinea</i>."&mdash;"No, sir," replied the
+lady, "it is I that have <i>dropt it</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>LX.&mdash;ALONE IN HIS GLORY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A facetious</span> fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the
+latter told him he was no "gentleman."&mdash;"Are <i>you</i> a gentleman?" asked
+the droll one. "Yes, sir," bounced the fop. "Then, I am very glad <i>I am
+not</i>," replied the other.</p>
+
+<h4>LXI.&mdash;A CAPITAL LETTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Lloyd</span>, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by
+his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor
+Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church
+said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt <i>Prophet</i> with an F.</p>
+
+<h4>LXII.&mdash;A GOOD PARSON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Hickringal</span>, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains,
+whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his
+faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall,
+and said to him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always
+quarrelling with me?"&mdash;"I hope your Majesty is not angry with me," quoth
+the doctor, "for telling the truth."&mdash;"No, no," says the king, "but I
+would have us for the future be friends."&mdash;"Well, well," quoth the
+doctor, "I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,&mdash;as <i>you
+mend I'll mend</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXIII.&mdash;SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A chimney-sweeper's</span> boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf,
+and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that
+he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of
+dough, "you will have <i>the less to carry</i>."&mdash;"True," replied the lad,
+and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker
+called after him that he had not left money enough. "Never mind that,"
+said young sooty, "you will have <i>the less to count</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>LXIV.&mdash;THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Kames</span> used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his
+acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
+justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened
+one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
+ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
+met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: "That I
+will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lordship remember me?
+My name's John &mdash;&mdash;; I have had the honor to be before your lordship for
+stealing sheep?"&mdash;"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife?
+she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them
+to be stolen."&mdash;"At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got
+off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher
+trade."&mdash;"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honor of
+<i>meeting again</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXV.&mdash;A LATE EDITION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the
+manuscript of a friend, the answer, "That it would be read when Homer
+and Virgil were forgotten, <i>but not till then</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXVI.&mdash;VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Scotland</span>! thy weather's like a modish wife,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So termagant awhile her thunder tries,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when she can no longer scold, she cries.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>LXVII.&mdash;THREE TOUCHSTONES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:&mdash;"The goodness of gold
+is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men
+by the ordeal of women."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>LXVIII.&mdash;A DIALOGUE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i6"><i>Pope.</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Since</span> my old friend is grown so great,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As to be minister of state,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i6"><i>Craggs.</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Alas</span>! if I am such a creature,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To grow the worse for growing greater,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why, faith, in spite of all my brags,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>LXIX.&mdash;BEAR AND VAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, "Your name
+is such a long one, I shall drop the <i>sittart</i>, and call you <i>Van</i> for
+the future."&mdash;"With all my heart," said he: "by the same rule, I shall
+drop <i>croft</i>, and call you <i>Bear</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>LXX.&mdash;EPITAPH FOR SIR JOHN VANBRUGH.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Lie</span> heavy on him, Earth! for he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Laid many heavy loads on thee!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>LXXI.&mdash;PROVING THEIR METAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to
+this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower
+declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the
+measures. Upon which Dryden said, that "the seven golden candlesticks
+them proved <i>prince's metal</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXII.&mdash;A DISTANT PROSPECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Through</span> an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may
+be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no
+very pleasing scenery.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> Porson, walking that way with a friend, and
+observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a
+<i>fellowship</i>, which was a long dreary walk, with a church <i>at the end of
+it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXIII.&mdash;SOUND SLEEPER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a
+dream."&mdash;"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not <i>hear you</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXIV.&mdash;A CHEAP CURE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Pray</span>, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and
+luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and <i>earn it</i>!" was the
+pithy answer.</p>
+
+<h4>LXXV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">You</span> say, without reward or fee,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I say he never did prescribe for me,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The proof is plain,&mdash;<i>I'm living still</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>LXXVI.&mdash;A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Several</span> young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of
+representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an
+excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came forward to
+apologize to the audience, and told them that <i>a</i> Mr. &mdash;&mdash; had declined
+to perform his part. The gentleman was highly indignant at the "<i>a</i>,"
+and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who
+replied that he supposed Mr. &mdash;&mdash; wanted to be called <i>the</i> Mr.
+So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "<i>Definite
+Article</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXVII.&mdash;A BANKER'S CHECK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Rogers</span>, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote
+very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"They say he has no heart, and I deny it:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He has a heart, and&mdash;<i>gets his speeches by it</i>."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>LXXVIII.&mdash;A FILLIP FOR HIM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just
+made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has studied
+the <i>wrong Phillips</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXIX.&mdash;BLACK OILS.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">What's</span> the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected
+around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put
+on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted.
+"Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor
+negro <i>to get oil</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXX.&mdash;A BAD CROP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A seedsman</span> being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language
+respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line
+of his profession&mdash;to promote business, he wished to <i>sow sedition</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>LXXXI.&mdash;A GRAVE DOCTOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor Crips</span> being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company,
+a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner
+being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his
+surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is
+but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his <i>old patients</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXXII.&mdash;WASTE POWDER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span> being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume
+remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing
+an eight-and-forty pounder at the <i>door of a pigsty</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXXIII.&mdash;THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">As</span> a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a
+very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so
+sorrowful. "Alas!" said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> he, "I am in a state of insolvency."&mdash;"Well,"
+said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your
+<i>creditors</i>, who ought to wear a woful countenance."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXXIV.&mdash;BLACK AND WHITE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition,
+setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one
+evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary
+legislative wisdom."&mdash;"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was
+for the Irish that they were not <i>born black</i>! They would then have had
+plenty of friends in both houses."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXXV.&mdash;HOME IS HOME.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I live</span> in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I
+don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a <i>sty</i>
+in them when I saw her last."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXXVI.&mdash;A LIGHT STUDY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">As</span> a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in
+front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said,
+"Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"&mdash;"No, sir," replied the
+alderman, "I am studying <i>gas-tronomy</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXXVII.&mdash;A CLIMAX.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were
+numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope
+you'll mend."&mdash;"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is <i>my last
+folly</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXXVIII.&mdash;SIMPLE DIVISION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be
+examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the
+chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"&mdash;"Does your lordship
+mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> sheep?"&mdash;"Is it
+not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord
+Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a
+dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are
+but <i>two legs of mutton</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>LXXXIX.&mdash;HERO-PHOBIA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe,
+some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said
+the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would <i>bite</i> some other
+of my generals."</p>
+
+<h4>XC.&mdash;LYING CONSISTENTLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same
+desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a
+New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know
+how <i>old</i> we are to be this year."</p>
+
+<h4>XCI.&mdash;NOT RIGHT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A prisoner</span> being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was
+told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up
+his left hand. "Hold up your <i>right</i> hand," said the clerk. "Please your
+honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am
+<i>left-handed</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XCII.&mdash;LIGHT-HEADED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Burney</span>, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his
+victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly
+after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From
+his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his
+portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before
+retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice,
+having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it
+in flames; he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned
+them with the following lines:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I would not retain it a minute;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's <i>fire</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is sure to be instantly <i>in it</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>XCIII.&mdash;"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked
+if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the
+possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as
+little of a <i>lie</i> or an <i>oath</i> as any European."</p>
+
+<h4>XCIV.&mdash;HAND AND GLOVE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A dyer</span>, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that
+was all black; "Take off your <i>glove</i>, friend," said the judge to him.
+"Put on your <i>spectacles</i>, my lord," answered the dyer.</p>
+
+<h4>XCV.&mdash;VAST DOMAIN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call
+him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could
+make your words good, I should then be the <i>greatest</i> monarch in the
+world."</p>
+
+<h4>XCVI.&mdash;MONEY RETURNED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lawyer</span> being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to
+fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said
+he, "I <i>had</i> it, and to such I <i>give</i> it again."</p>
+
+<h4>XCVII.&mdash;CHEESE AND DESSERT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a
+cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the
+cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the
+grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>
+before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after <i>cheese</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>XCVIII.&mdash;VERY POINTED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir John Hamilton</span>, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of
+the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was
+impossible to touch him anywhere without <i>pricking</i> one's fingers.</p>
+
+<h4>XCIX.&mdash;"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for
+several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port
+placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please
+your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me." The gentleman
+began, "One bottle <i>port</i>, one <i>ditto</i>, one <i>ditto</i>, one
+<i>ditto</i>,"&mdash;"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are
+cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their <i>port</i>, but I did not
+taste a drop of their <i>ditto</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>C.&mdash;COMPUTATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before
+three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other
+two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the
+occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help it,
+when there were an hundred judges on the bench?&mdash;<i>one</i> and <i>two
+ciphers</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CI.&mdash;PRIMOGENITURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish
+kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful
+appearance, while <i>his son</i> was depicted with a long beard, and wore the
+traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian,
+"is it possible that this gentleman was an <i>old man</i> when his father
+<i>was born</i>!!"</p>
+
+<h4>CII.&mdash;CHECK TO THE KING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> made use of
+this assertion: "I never knew a modest man make his way at court." To
+this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: "And,
+please your majesty, <i>whose fault is that</i>?" The king was struck, and
+remained silent.</p>
+
+<h4>CIII.&mdash;A FALL IN MITRES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the wooden <i>mitres</i>, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's
+stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose,
+Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether
+he should make it fast: "For, perhaps," said Jessy, "it may fall on your
+reverence's head."&mdash;"Well! Jessy," answered the humorous Cantab,
+"suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that <i>a mitre falling on
+my head</i> would hurt it."</p>
+
+<h4>CIV.&mdash;FALSE DELICACY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span>, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did
+not like to be thought a scoundrel. "I wish," replied Peter, "that you
+had as great a dislike <i>to being a scoundrel</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CV.&mdash;A BAD HARVEST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to
+an idler, who boasted his ancient family: "So much the worse for you,"
+said the peasant; "as we ploughmen say, '<i>the older the seed the worse
+the crop</i>.'"</p>
+
+<h4>CVI.&mdash;PROOF IMPRESSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Bethel</span>, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in
+debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the
+subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four
+Courts, and in a friendly way, said, "Zounds! Bethel, I wonder you never
+told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
+contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon
+the subject."&mdash;"I'm very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> proud you think so," said the other, rubbing
+his hands with satisfaction; "and pray, what are the things that pleased
+you so much?"&mdash;"Why," replied Lysaght, "as I passed by a pastry-cook's
+shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three <i>hot mince-pies</i>
+wrapped up in one of your works."</p>
+
+<h4>CVII.&mdash;NECK OR NOTHING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A right</span> reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was
+frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and
+untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much
+longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly
+inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that
+he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate
+<i>stiffness</i> in his <i>knee</i>. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate;
+"'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a
+long time thought it <i>immovably settled</i> in your <span class="smcap">neck</span>."</p>
+
+<h4>CVIII.&mdash;ARCADIA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A farm</span> was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of
+the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were
+detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further
+enhanced with this,&mdash;N.B. There is not <i>an attorney</i> within fifteen
+miles of the neighborhood.</p>
+
+<h4>CIX.&mdash;QUITE PERFECTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A painter</span> in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed
+on the front of his house: "The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in
+the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the "old
+original" stenciller, thus set forth his pretensions: "Stencilling in
+all its branches performed in the very height <i>of acme</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CX.&mdash;THE LATE MR. COLLINS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Collins</span> the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom
+he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come <i>a
+day after the fair</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CXI.&mdash;A FAMILY PARTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman
+who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she
+said, "La, sir, we haven't a <i>single</i> bug in the house."&mdash;"No ma'am,"
+said he, "they're all <i>married</i>, and have large families too."</p>
+
+<h4>CXII.&mdash;CALF'S HEAD SURPRISED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A stupid</span> person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures
+of the table, said, "So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the
+greatest delicacies."&mdash;"Why not," replied the other, "do you think
+Providence intended all the <i>good things</i> for fools?"</p>
+
+<h4>CXIII.&mdash;POPPING THE QUESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A girl</span> forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man,
+whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service
+where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her
+husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the
+first person who has asked <i>my opinion</i> about the matter."</p>
+
+<h4>CXIV.&mdash;SCANDALOUS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's
+tables, that he never <i>opened his mouth</i> but at another man's expense.</p>
+
+<h4>CXV.&mdash;THE PRINCE OF ORANGE AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land,
+and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &amp;c., was already
+written, "Pray, my Lord Chief Justice," said a gentleman present, "what
+do you think will be the heads of this manifesto?"&mdash;"<i>Mine</i> will be
+one," replied he.</p>
+
+<h4>CXVI.&mdash;MODEST REQUEST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road,
+who begged the favor of him to put<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> his great coat, which he found very
+heavy, into his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman; "but
+if we should not be travelling to the same place, how will you get your
+coat?"&mdash;"Monsieur," answered the man with great <i>na&iuml;vet&eacute;</i>, "<i>I shall be
+in it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CXVII.&mdash;CAP THIS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Thomas More</span>, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit
+to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the
+headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; "Ah! friend," said he,
+taking off his cap, "that, I think, is my <i>upper</i> garment."</p>
+
+<h4>CXVIII.&mdash;A PRETTY METAPHOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town,
+to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has
+turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea."</p>
+
+<h4>CXIX.&mdash;ON A STONE THROWN AT A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT WHICH MISSED HIM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Talk</span> no more of the lucky escape of the <i>head</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">From a flint so unluckily thrown;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I think very diff'rent, with thousands indeed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">'Twas a lucky escape for the <i>stone</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CXX.&mdash;A MAN OF LETTERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a
+porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was
+asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title.
+"Sir," says he, "I'd have you know, I had the honor of <i>chalking</i> number
+45 upon every door between Temple Bar and Hyde Park-corner."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXI.&mdash;WELSH WIG-GING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best
+living, said the Welshman, "There<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> is such noble housekeeping in Wales,
+that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding
+dinner."&mdash;"Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man
+<i>toasted</i> his own cheese."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXII.&mdash;A SPRIG OF SHILLALAH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A fellow</span> on the quay, thinking to <i>quiz</i> a poor Irishman, asked him,
+"How do the potatoes eat now, Pat?" The Irish lad, who happened to have
+a <i>shillalah</i> in his hand, answered, "O! they eat very well, my jewel,
+would you like to taste the <i>stalk</i>?" and knocking the inquirer down,
+coolly walked off.</p>
+
+<h4>CXXIII.&mdash;DOG-MATIC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a
+great courtier, said, "His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a
+cur." To which the other replied, "That <i>fawning</i> was the property of a
+cur as well as barking."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXIV.&mdash;FALSE QUANTITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A learned</span> counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a <i>nolle pros&#275;qui</i>.
+"Consider, sir," said Baron Alderson, "that this is the last day of
+term, and don't make things <i>unnecessarily long</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXV.&mdash;IN SUSPENSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves
+them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the
+ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives
+not <i>upon</i> the branches, but <i>under</i> them. He moves suspended, rests
+suspended, sleeps suspended, and passes his life in suspense,&mdash;like a
+young clergyman <i>distantly related</i> to a bishop.</p>
+
+<h4>CXXVI.&mdash;PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a
+party where he happened to be present,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> a gentleman solicited a sketch
+of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous
+one:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I went to Frankfort and got drunk<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With that most learned professor, Brunck;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I went to Worts and got more drunken<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CXXVII.&mdash;ARTIFICIAL HEAT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Lord Kelly had a very red face. "Pray, my lord," said Foote to
+him, "come and <i>look over</i> my garden-wall,&mdash;my cucumbers are very
+backward."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXVIII.&mdash;OUTWARD APPEARANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Man</span> is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.</p>
+
+<h4>CXXIX.&mdash;THE TWO SMITHS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the
+same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of
+calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share
+the letters equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said
+our friend, "and you must quit."&mdash;"Why am I to quit more than
+you?"&mdash;"Because you are James the Second&mdash;and must <i>abdicate</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXX.&mdash;SAGE ADVICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing
+him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, <i>hit
+it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXXI.&mdash;THE PURSER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady Hardwicke</span>, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he
+did, and what <i>he</i> got <i>she</i> saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is
+carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his
+time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be
+provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> retained them
+herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the
+length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved,
+that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains
+for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, "There was not such a <i>purser</i>
+in the navy."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXXII.&mdash;A FOREIGN ACCENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord
+Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Do you want to
+hae ony appointed?"&mdash;"I only want an interpreter to make me <i>understand</i>
+what your lordships say."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXXIII&mdash;EASY AS LYING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Erskine</span>, examining a bumptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a
+rider? "I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of
+offended importance. "Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the
+<i>failing</i> usually attributed to travellers?"</p>
+
+<h4>CXXXIV.&mdash;NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A prisoner</span> in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had
+a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit.
+Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been
+thinking," said he, "that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here,
+and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so
+chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and who knows what it
+may cost you in the end! Therefore, what I propose is this: You shall
+let me out of prison, and, instead of <i>seven</i> groats, you shall allow me
+only <i>eighteenpence</i> a week, and the other <i>tenpence</i> shall go towards
+the discharging of the debt."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXXV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> former times the illustrious dead were burned,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">This column, then, commemorates the part<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which custom makes us single out&mdash;the heart;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You ask, "How by a column this is done?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I answer, "<i>'Tis a hollow thing of stone</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CXXXVI.&mdash;FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A dependant</span> was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not
+possess. "I will do all in my power to prevent you <i>lying</i>," answered
+he.</p>
+
+<h4>CXXXVII.&mdash;THE INTRUDER REBUKED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern.
+After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly
+under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a
+chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the
+stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his
+chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and
+inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the
+party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted
+to Jerrold, "I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a butt of
+me!"&mdash;"Then don't bring your <i>hog's head</i> in here," was the prompt
+reply.</p>
+
+<h4>CXXXVIII.&mdash;CRITICAL POLITENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull
+off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot
+pass a very <i>old</i> acquaintance," replied the critic, "without that
+civility."</p>
+
+<h4>CXXXIX.&mdash;A GOOD PLACE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span> taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him,
+"The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct
+exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor."&mdash;"Sire," replied he,
+"I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give <i>my</i>
+successor the like advice."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CXL.&mdash;A CABAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a
+conspiracy to overturn <i>monarchy</i> by a <i>common-wheel</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>CXLI.&mdash;THE FIRE OF LONDON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread
+Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill
+staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane
+had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was
+burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much
+singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe
+Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye
+Corner were over baked."</p>
+
+<h4>CXLII.&mdash;A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> speeches made by P&mdash;&mdash; are <i>sound</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It cannot be denied;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Granted; and then it will be found,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They're <i>little else</i> beside.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CXLIII.&mdash;AN HONEST HORSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A dealer</span> once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with
+emphatic earnestness, that "he was an <i>honest</i> horse." After the
+purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. "Why,
+sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to
+<i>throw</i> me, and he certainly never <i>deceived</i> me."</p>
+
+<h4>CXLIV.&mdash;THE RETORT CUTTING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bishops Sherlock</span> and <span class="smcap">Hoadly</span> were both freshmen of the same year, at
+Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were
+first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a
+compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing.
+Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> said,
+when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's
+<i>translation</i> to-day."&mdash;"Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for
+I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is
+the only one in the college."</p>
+
+<h4>CXLV.&mdash;ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Erskine</span>, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess
+of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and
+pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?"&mdash;"O!" answered her
+grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place&mdash;I hate it."&mdash;"Madam," replied
+the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark
+morning,&mdash;I <i>won't rise</i> to-day."</p>
+
+<h4>CXLVI.&mdash;A LOVE SONG, BY DEAN SWIFT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A pud in</span> is almi de si re,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mimis tres Ine ver require,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Alo veri find it a gestis,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His miseri ne ver at restis.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CXLVII.&mdash;BY THE SAME.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Mollis</span> abuti,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Has an acuti,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No lasso finis,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Molli divinis.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O mi de armis tres,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Imi nadis tres,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cantu disco ver<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Meas alo ver?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CXLVIII.&mdash;A HAPPY SUGGESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the
+Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l.
+15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold
+suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The
+Nightingale's Wing."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CXLIX.&mdash;PLAYING ON A WORD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Orford</span> was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the
+celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration.
+Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia.
+Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said,
+"I think I saw a <i>lyre</i> there." George Selwyn, who was of the party,
+whispered his next man, "Yes, and there is <i>one less</i> since he left the
+country."</p>
+
+<h4>CL.&mdash;AN EYE TO PROFIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious,
+was always abusing the avarice of others, added, "Is it not strange that
+this man will not take the <i>beam out of his own eye</i> before he attempts
+the <i>mote</i> in other people's?"&mdash;"Why, so I daresay he would," cried
+Sheridan, "if he was sure of <i>selling the timber</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CLI.&mdash;"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some
+supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took
+off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, "Sir, if
+you were not my officer, I would <i>extinguish</i> you."</p>
+
+<h4>CLII.&mdash;A.I.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A learned</span> barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did
+not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They
+are in Martial."&mdash;"Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on
+underwriting."&mdash;"Not so bad," replied the other. "After all, there is
+not so much difference between an <i>under writer</i> and a <i>minor</i> poet."</p>
+
+<h4>CLIII.&mdash;QUALIFYING FOR BAIL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in
+the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to
+him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>
+3,000l.?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to
+2,940. "That's all very good," said the serjeant, "but you want 60l.
+more to be worth 3,000."&mdash;"For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no
+ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and
+I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The serjeant looked
+abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well,
+brother Davy, I <i>think</i> we may accept the bail."</p>
+
+<h4>CLIV.&mdash;BARRY'S POWERS OF PLEASING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Spranger Barry</span>, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of
+persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the
+Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in
+demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, "Don't be
+in a passion; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on
+the business."&mdash;"Not I," answered the man; "you owe me one hundred
+pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you
+till you owe me <i>two</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CLV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">It</span> is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination
+never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."&mdash;<i>Court
+Journal</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Tis right that Cumberland should be<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In this resolve so steady,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For all the world declare that he<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is <i>too bare-faced</i> already!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CLVI.&mdash;SENTENCE OF DEATH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy
+inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his
+pig's victuals.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming
+Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My
+Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Rd. Gold</span>."</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CLVII.&mdash;NATIVE WIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">John</span> was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and
+the miller said, "John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me
+what you do know, and what you don't know."&mdash;"Well," replied John, "I
+know millers' hogs are fat!"&mdash;"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't
+you know?"&mdash;"I don't know <i>whose corn</i> fats 'em!"</p>
+
+<h4>CLVIII.&mdash;WORTH THE MONEY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Robert Walpole</span> having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney
+said the honorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics. Sir
+Robert adhered to his version, and bet his opponent a guinea that he was
+right, proposing Mr. Harding as arbiter. The bet being accepted, Harding
+rose, and with ludicrous solemnity gave his decision against his patron.
+The guinea was thrown across the House; and when Pulteney stooped to
+pick it up, he observed, that "it was the first <i>public money</i> he had
+touched for a long time." After his death, the guinea was found wrapped
+up in a piece of paper on which the circumstance was recorded.</p>
+
+<h4>CLIX.&mdash;SUITED TO HIS SUBJECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major
+<i>Cart-wright</i>, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the
+<i>Common-Wheel</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>CLX.&mdash;NOT <i>versus</i> NOTT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> of Maudlin, whose name was <i>Nott</i>, returning late from his
+friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his
+name and college. "I am <i>Nott</i> of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping.
+"Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, "I did not ask of what
+college you are <i>not</i>, but of what college you are."&mdash;"I am <i>Nott</i> of
+Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he
+considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and
+demanded of the porter, "whether he knew the gentleman."&mdash;"Know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> him,
+sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. <i>Nott</i> of this college." The
+proctor now perceived his error in <i>not</i> understanding the gentleman,
+and wished him a good night.</p>
+
+<h4>CLXI.&mdash;A COCKNEY EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">In Parliament, it's plain enough,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">No reverence for age appears;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For they who hear each speaker's <i>stuff</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Find there is no respect for <i>(y) ears</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CLXII.&mdash;THE PINK OF POLITENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Berkeley</span> was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of
+politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until
+they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers,
+and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, "Pray, my Lord
+Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?"&mdash;"Not since you
+hanged <i>your tutor</i>, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord
+Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was
+hanged.</p>
+
+<h4>CLXIII.&mdash;HIGH AND LOW.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I expect</span> six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman
+to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church
+or Low Church, sir?"&mdash;"What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the
+astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the reply. "If they are High
+Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, <i>they'll eat</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CLXIV.&mdash;CITY LOVE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> making love let poor men sigh,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But love that's ready-made is better<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For men of business;&mdash;so I,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">If madam will be cruel, let her.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But should she wish that I should wait<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And miss the 'Change,&mdash;oh no, I thank her,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I court by <i>deed</i>, or after <i>date</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Through my solicitor or banker.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>CLXV.&mdash;INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A soldier</span> in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that
+general, who reprimanded him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said
+the soldier. "I have the choice of names; if I had known one more
+illustrious <i>than yours</i>, I should have taken it."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXVI.&mdash;LORD CHESTERFIELD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to
+his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the
+king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council,
+however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous
+precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant
+of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking
+him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with
+whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up.
+"With the <i>devil's</i>!" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And
+shall the instrument," said the Earl, coolly, "run as usual, <i>Our trusty
+and well-beloved cousin and counsellor</i>?"&mdash;a repartee at which the king
+laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.</p>
+
+<h4>CLXVII.&mdash;SPECIAL PLEADING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if
+he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader,
+he replied, "Pray, sir, can your son <i>eat saw-dust without butter</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>CLXVIII.&mdash;ON A NEW DUKE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Ask</span> you why gold and velvet bind<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The temples of that cringing thief?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is it so strange a thing to find<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CLXIX.&mdash;THE ZODIAC CLUB.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it
+should consist of twelve members, and be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> called "The Zodiac," each
+member to be named after a sign.</p>
+
+<p>"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid
+that his name would be forgotten.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jerrold.</i>&mdash;"Oh, we'll bring you in as the <i>weight</i> in Libra."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXX.&mdash;QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE HUMPHREY, AT
+ST. ALBAN'S.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">A plague</span> on Egypt's arts, I say&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Embalm the dead&mdash;on senseless clay<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Rich wine and spices waste:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Bound in a precious pickle lie,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Which I can never taste!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let me embalm this flesh of mine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And spoil the Egyptian trade,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A mummy ready made."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CLXXI.&mdash;STRIKING REPROOF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion,
+knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this
+was told by Lord Strangford, observed: "Oh! nothing is more natural for
+a literary lady than to double down a page."&mdash;"I would rather," replied
+his lordship, "advise Caroline to <i>turn over a new leaf</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXII.&mdash;A PRETTY PICTURE.</h4>
+
+<p>E&mdash;&mdash; taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working
+at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her
+lips. "Do not trouble yourself so much, madam," exclaimed the painter;
+"if you please, I will draw your face <i>without any mouth</i> at all."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXIII.&mdash;UNKNOWN TONGUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> were going to
+the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no a wonderfu' thing that
+the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?"&mdash;"Not a
+bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their
+prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the
+French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic,
+"Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could <i>understan'</i> them?"</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXIV.&mdash;DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Whilst</span> the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the
+bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and dignity of
+a barrister, which was frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at that
+time Chief Justice. The attempts of the Chief Justice to brow-beat the
+counsel were on many occasions kept in check by the manly and dignified
+conduct of Mr. Dunning. Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in
+discovering the gist of a cause, and having done so, used to amuse
+himself by taking up a book or a newspaper, whilst counsel was
+addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dunning was speaking, and his
+Lordship seemed thus to hold his argument as of no consequence, the
+advocate would stop suddenly in his address, and on his Lordship
+observing, "Pray go on, Mr. Dunning," he would reply, "I beg your
+pardon, my Lord, but I fear I shall interrupt your Lordship's <i>more
+important</i> occupations. I will wait until your Lordship has leisure to
+attend to my client and his humble advocate."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(A good word for Ministers.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> Whigs 'tis said have often broke<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their promises which end in smoke;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Thus their defence I build;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Granted in office they have slept,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet sure those <i>promises</i> are <i>kept</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Which never are fulfilled.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CLXXVI.&mdash;CHANGING HIS LINE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> man who had been
+hanged, was told that he was dead. "And did he continue in the <i>grocery
+line</i>?" said the former. "Oh no," replied Jack; "he was quite in a
+<i>different line</i> when he died."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXVII.&mdash;TALL AND SHORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very
+tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a
+friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXVIII.&mdash;AN ODD COMPARISON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir William B&mdash;&mdash;</span> being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which
+were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the
+farmer, "do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and
+at two colleges in each university?"&mdash;"Well, sir," said the farmer,
+"what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I
+made was, the more he sucked, the greater <i>calf</i> he grew."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXIX.&mdash;ON THE RIGHT SIDE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing
+that he borrowed, "that he had <i>lost half</i> of his memory."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXX.&mdash;CAUSE OF ABSENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his
+wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in
+the Bench, "I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this
+case?"&mdash;"Yes, my lord," replied Brougham, "but I understand he is
+ill&mdash;suffering from <i>Scarlett fever</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXXI.&mdash;THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent
+than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He is," says she, "an abhorred, barbarous, capricious,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> detestable,
+envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous,
+keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, passionate,
+quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious,
+abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating,
+gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless,
+savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious,
+blustering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful,
+inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing,
+unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring,
+incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring,
+sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome,
+tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling,
+brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal,
+dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable,
+irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive,
+outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged,
+spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly,
+suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent,
+wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXXII.&mdash;A FAMILIAR ILLUSTRATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A medical</span> student under examination, being asked the different effects
+of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."&mdash;"Quite
+right; can you give me an example?"&mdash;"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot,
+the days are longer; but in winter, which is <i>cold</i>, the days are
+<i>shorter</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXXIII.&mdash;HAPPINESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Happiness</span> grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in
+strangers' gardens.</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXXIV.&mdash;TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in
+terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in
+this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the
+author would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately
+happens, that those portions which are <i>new</i> are not <i>true</i>, and those
+which are <i>true</i> are not <i>new</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXXV.&mdash;A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in
+behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of
+money.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, "how much
+does &mdash;&mdash; want this time?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight," the
+bearer of the hat replied.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jerrold.</i>&mdash;"Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXXVI.&mdash;WASTE OF TIME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his
+friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. "Alas!" said he
+to them, "it is hardly worth while to <i>dress</i> myself again."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXXVII.&mdash;SCOTCH SIMPLICITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a <i>clanking</i>
+noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her
+bedside, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin
+you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel." To which
+Jenny replied. "Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna
+expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your
+folk."</p>
+
+<h4>CLXXXVIII.&mdash;TWOFOLD ILLUSTRATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Fletcher Norton</span> was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading
+before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced
+unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant
+in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge
+immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all <i>know</i>
+it, Sir Fletcher."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CLXXXIX.&mdash;NAT LEE AND SIR ROGER L'ESTRANGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> author of "Alexander the Great," whilst confined in a madhouse, was
+visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee
+entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the
+poet knew him, Lee answered:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Custom may alter men, and manners change:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I am still <i>strange Lee</i>, and you L'Estrange:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm poor in purse as you are poor in brains."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CXC.&mdash;MAIDS AND WIVES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Women</span> are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make
+'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage
+certificates, and defy you.&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>CXCI.&mdash;TRAGEDY MS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Liston</span>, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury
+Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by
+the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, "That parcel
+contains a manuscript tragedy." And on being asked why, replied,
+"Because the <i>fifth</i> act is peeping out at one corner of it."</p>
+
+<h4>CXCII.&mdash;A TRUE COURTIER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was
+announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. "Sir Isaac,"
+said the king, "are you a judge of horses?"&mdash;"In my younger days, please
+your majesty, I was a great deal among them," was the reply. "What do
+you think of this, then?" said the king, who was by this time preparing
+to mount his favorite: and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we
+call him. <i>Perfection</i>."&mdash;"A most appropriate name," replied the courtly
+herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he <i>bears</i> the
+best of characters."</p>
+
+<h4>CXCIII.&mdash;RARE VIRTUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> of Jonathan Wild,
+who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully
+satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could <i>gain
+nothing</i> by refraining from it.</p>
+
+<h4>CXCIV.&mdash;A POSER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A coxcomb</span> in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain
+popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his
+pointed to the coxcomb: "See, sir, the real author of your favorite
+song."&mdash;"Well," replied the other, "the gentleman <i>might</i> have made it,
+for I assure him I found no difficulty in doing it myself."</p>
+
+<h4>CXCV.&mdash;A SHEEPISH COMPLIMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Cockburn</span>, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside
+with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest
+situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on
+the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ah, my lord, but if
+ye had been a <i>sheep</i> ye would hae had mair sense."</p>
+
+<h4>CXCVI.&mdash;CONSIDERABLE LATITUDE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Richard Jebb</span> being called to see a patient who fancied himself very
+ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for
+him. "Now you are here," said the patient, "I shall be obliged to you,
+Sir Richard, if you will tell me how I must live; what I may eat, and
+what I may not."&mdash;"My directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard,
+"will be few and simple! You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs,
+for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, because they are
+<i>windy</i>; but eat anything else you please!"</p>
+
+<h4>CXCVII.&mdash;FARMER AND ATTORNEY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told
+he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at
+the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional
+friend. The farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Here are two fat wethers fallen out together,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And make 'em agree like brother and brother."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the
+dispute.</p>
+
+<h4>CXCVIII.&mdash;A WIFE AT FORTY.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">My</span> notion of a wife at forty," said Jerrold, "is, that a man should be
+able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties."</p>
+
+<h4>CXCIX.&mdash;DISAPPROBATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of
+having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a principal
+part in the piece, the whole of his audience (thirty in number), hissed
+him whenever he appeared. When the piece ended, he came forward and
+said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your
+kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope
+you will be at least <i>six times</i> as many as are here to-night."</p>
+
+<h4>CC.&mdash;NOVEL OFFENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cooke</span> and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the
+middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had passed his hand along all
+the palisades and shutters as he marched, came in contact with the
+recently-painted new front of a coachmaker's shop, from which he
+obtained a complete handful of wet color. Without any explanation as to
+the cause of his anger, he rushed suddenly into the middle of the
+street, and raised a stone to hurl against the unoffending windows; but
+Dibdin was in time to save them from destruction, and him from the
+watch-house. On being asked the cause of his hostility to the premises
+of a man who could not have offended him, he replied, with a hiccup,
+"what! not offend? A &mdash;&mdash; ignorant coachmaker, to leave his <i>house out</i>,
+new-painted, at this time of night!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCI.&mdash;MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A browbeating</span> counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain
+place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How
+came you to be so exact, my friend?"&mdash;"Because I expected <i>some fool</i> or
+other would ask me, and so I measured it."</p>
+
+<h4>CCII.&mdash;VERY CLEAR.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">What</span> is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. "A
+sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.</p>
+
+<h4>CCIII.&mdash;BROTHERLY LOVE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Ah!</span>" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been
+preaching to a congregation of asses."&mdash;"Then that was the reason why
+you always called them <i>beloved brethren</i>," replied a strong-minded
+lady.</p>
+
+<h4>CCIV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">By</span> a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The electors would find him as good as his word!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"<i>As good as his word</i>," did you say, "gracious me!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCV.&mdash;MODEST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> has been said that a lady once asked Lord B&mdash;g&mdash;m who was the best
+debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, "Lord
+Stanley is the <i>second</i>, madam."</p>
+
+<h4>CCVI.&mdash;A JOINT CONCERN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A stupid</span> fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the
+performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well
+to-day."&mdash;"<i>We</i> performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was <i>I</i>
+performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated
+piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ
+stopped; the organist cried out in a passion, "Why don't you blow?" The
+fellow<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it
+be <i>we</i> then?"</p>
+
+<h4>CCVII.&mdash;PROFESSIONAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
+replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we
+are unable to find room for it."</p>
+
+<h4>CCVIII.&mdash;A GOOD REASON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A rich</span> peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his
+domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out
+to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the nobleman,
+"because he has <i>served me</i> these twenty years."</p>
+
+<h4>CCIX.&mdash;ON A BAD MAN.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">By</span> imbecility and fears<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Will is restrain'd from doing ill;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His mind a porcupine appears,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A porcupine <i>without a quill</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCX.&mdash;A CLEVER DOG.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">After</span> witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds,
+called the "Caravan," Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on
+purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. "Where is he?" was the
+first question: "where is my guardian angel?"&mdash;"Here I am," answered
+Reynolds. "Pooh!" replied Sheridan, "I don't mean <i>you</i>, I mean <i>the
+dog</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXI.&mdash;A KNOTTY POINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots <i>scattered</i>
+through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was
+impossible they could have been <i>collected</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>CCXII.&mdash;GEORGE SELWYN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">This</span> gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> by the
+frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him
+with questions and asking him how he did. "How are you now, sir?" said
+the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity,
+replied, "Very well; and I intend to continue so <i>all the rest</i> of the
+journey."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXIII.&mdash;EMPEROR OF CHINA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir G. Staunton</span> related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of
+China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians
+were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made
+to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, "Is any man well in England,
+that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you," said he, "how I
+manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is
+committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am
+ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my
+illnesses are <i>usually short</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXIV.&mdash;LANDLORD AND TENANTS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Says</span> his landlord to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For I never can <i>raise it</i> myself."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCXV.&mdash;AN UGLY DOG.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the
+country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly, "What an
+ugly little brute!" whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied,
+"Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks <i>about us</i> at this moment!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCXVI.&mdash;THE WRONG LEG.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mathews</span> being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton,
+D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of
+pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>
+could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain.
+Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, "Don't make yourself
+unhappy, D'Egville; <i>perhaps it is in the other leg</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXVII.&mdash;FEMALE TALKERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one
+side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his
+sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the
+congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman
+immediately rose, and wishing to clear her own sex from the aspersion,
+said: "Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."&mdash;"So
+much the better, good woman, so much the better," answered the
+clergyman; "it will be the <i>sooner over</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXVIII.&mdash;FIGHTING BY MEASURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen
+Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most
+likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at
+"the place called Fifteen Acres&mdash;'be the same more or less.'"</p>
+
+<h4>CCXIX.&mdash;SUGGESTION.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Do</span> you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal
+performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the
+other. "Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed,
+by accident, some train oil."&mdash;"I don't think," rejoined Bannister, "it
+would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had <i>swallowed a
+dancing-master</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCXX.&mdash;THE FORCE OF SATIRE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jacob Johnson</span>, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of
+money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a
+message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog that he
+who wrote these can write more":<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"With leering looks, bull-necked, and freckled face,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion
+of the portrait, immediately sent the money.</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXI.&mdash;THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the
+subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see
+the English and French such good friends at last. "Tut! the best thing I
+know between France and England is&mdash;<i>the sea</i>," said Jerrold.</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXII.&mdash;QUIN'S SAYING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin
+used to say, "Every king in Europe would rise with a <i>crick in his
+neck</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXIII.&mdash;A GOOD REASON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked
+him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied
+he, "for mine eyes have not come together these three nights."&mdash;"What is
+the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," said he, "because <i>my
+nose</i> was betwixt them."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXIV.&mdash;BILLY BROWN AND THE COUNSELLOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury
+Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of
+Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going
+into court, the counsellor, shocked at the shabby dress of the witness,
+began to remonstrate with him on this point: "You should have put on
+your Sunday clothes, and not think of coming into court covered with
+lime and brick-dust; it detracts from the credit of your
+evidence."&mdash;"<i>Be cool, Mr. Counsellor</i>," said Billy, "<i>only be cool,
+you're in your working-dress, and I am in mine; and that's that</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCXXV.&mdash;THE RULING PASSION AFTER DEATH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A drunken</span> witness leaving the box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared
+for anything but women and horseflesh!" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you
+never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to
+go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to
+it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you
+flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever
+happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death,
+some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were
+the <i>dearest objects</i> of your affections."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXVI.&mdash;CUT AND COME AGAIN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who
+drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a
+charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the
+horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he,
+"it's <i>whipcord</i> it is!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXVII.&mdash;CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLASS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A remarkably</span> ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a
+dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a
+glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite
+neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I
+never break a glass."&mdash;"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply,
+"you ought whenever <i>you look in one</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXVIII.&mdash;UNION IS STRENGTH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A kind-hearted</span>, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north
+got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister,
+who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie,"
+said the minister, "that's my place."&mdash;"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie;
+"they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this
+place, and it will <i>take us baith</i> to manage them."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCXXIX.&mdash;FRENCH PRECIPITATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Mr. P&eacute;tion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a
+knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself
+thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely
+<i>two-and-thirty minutes</i> in the Old Bailey.</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXX.&mdash;MAKING IT UP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough
+provided, upon one occasion when <i>company</i> were expected, he asked if
+she had <i>brothed</i> the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well
+then," said he, "broth 'em <i>again</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXXI.&mdash;OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bubb Doddington</span> was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner
+with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached
+Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep;
+and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been
+saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and
+Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and
+yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew
+that about this time of day <i>you would tell that story</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXXII.&mdash;HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A critic</span> one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated
+novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.</p>
+
+<p>"Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a
+thunderbolt!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXXIII.&mdash;EQUALITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said,
+"All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's
+Byron, he was a Harrow boy&mdash;"&mdash;"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's
+Burns,&mdash;he was a <i>ploughboy</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCXXXIV.&mdash;QUITE NATURAL.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Did</span> any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an
+infant school in a fast neighborhood.&mdash;"<i>I</i> have!" shouted a
+six-year-old at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles,
+amused by his earnestness. "<i>On the elephant</i>!" was the reply.</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXXV.&mdash;MISER'S CHARITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat,"
+but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to
+that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks
+proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is
+<i>nothing to nobody</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXXVI.&mdash;SHAKING HANDS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon
+one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should
+shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,&mdash;"For,"
+said he, "their hands have been <i>shaking</i> this half-hour."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXXVII.&mdash;MILTON ON WOMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Milton</span> was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in
+the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is
+sufficient for a woman."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXXVIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> privilege <i>hard</i> money to demand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It seems but fair the public should surrender;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For I confess I ne'er could understand<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why cash called <i>hard</i>, should be a legal <i>tender</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCXXXIX.&mdash;A GOOD REASON.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">That's</span> a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the
+old dame, "and <i>he</i> never cries."&mdash;"That's because he's never washed,"
+rejoined the youngster.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCXL.&mdash;ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> Farren, cleverest of men,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Should go to the right about,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What part of town will he be then?<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Why, "Farren-done-without!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCXLI.&mdash;PADDY'S LOGIC.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two
+of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we <i>want
+it</i>, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have <i>no
+occasion for it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXLII.&mdash;WARNING TO LADIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Beware</span> of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have
+ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.</p>
+
+<h4>CCXLIII.&mdash;A MOT OF DE FOE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was
+expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator;
+but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the
+<i>Spectator</i> than the <i>Tatler</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXLIV.&mdash;A FAIR REPULSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been
+taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as
+at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming
+danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation,
+and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up
+at Cumnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single
+volunteer!"&mdash;"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French
+land at Ayr, there will soon be <i>plenty of volunteers up at Cumnock</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXLV.&mdash;CLAW AND CLAW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Erskine</span> and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> conceited, were in
+the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their
+respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he
+would write Erskine's epitaph; to which the other replied, that "such an
+intention on the doctor's part was almost a temptation to commit
+suicide."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXLVI.&mdash;THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance
+has given rise to the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I have lost my portmanteau&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"I pity your grief;"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It contained all my sermons&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"I pity the thief."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCXLVII.&mdash;FORCE OF NATURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">S&mdash;&mdash;'s</span> head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the
+law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most <i>empty</i> is
+generally <i>uppermost</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>CCXLVIII.&mdash;BLOWING A NOSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir William Chere</span> had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon
+with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a
+snuff-taker, was continually using his snuff-box. Observing him leaning
+continually over the table, and being at the same time in a very bad
+humor with the game, the general said, "Sir William, blow your
+nose!"&mdash;"Blow it <i>yourself</i>!" said Sir William; "'tis as near you as
+me!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCXLIX.&mdash;TOO CIVIL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Macklin</span> one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a
+gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately
+before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him.
+Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder with his cane, and, with much
+seeming civility, requested "that when he saw or heard anything that was
+entertaining on the stage, to let him and the gentleman with him know of
+it, as at present we must<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> totally depend on <i>your kindness</i>." This had
+the desired effect,&mdash;and the lounger walked off.</p>
+
+<h4>CCL.&mdash;TORY LIBERALITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the
+passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept <i>open house</i>, at least,
+so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows.</p>
+
+<h4>CCLI.&mdash;A CAPITAL JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Braxfield</span> (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the
+bar, "You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane
+<i>the waur</i> o' a hanging."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLII.&mdash;PIG-HEADED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Justice P&mdash;&mdash;</span>, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one
+of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quantity of
+copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the "copper,"
+which he uniformly called "lead," adding, "I beg your pardon,
+gentlemen,&mdash;<i>copper</i>; but <i>I can't get the lead out of my head</i>!" At
+this candid confession the whole court shouted with laughter.</p>
+
+<h4>CCLIII.&mdash;BURIED WORTH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Thomas Overbury</span> says, that the man who has not anything to boast of
+but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato,&mdash;the only good
+belonging to him is <i>underground</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>CCLIV.&mdash;A JUST DEBTOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe,
+to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady.
+On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check
+for 25l. and presented it to him. "But, my lord, you promised me
+100l."&mdash;"True," said his lordship, "I did so; but you know, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;,
+that I am now making arrangements with all my creditors <i>at 5s. in the
+pound</i>. Now you must<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> see, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, that if I were to pay you at a
+higher rate than I pay them, I should be doing my creditors an
+injustice!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCLV.&mdash;A SOUND CONCLUSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir William Curtis</span> sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded
+to the excellence of the knives, adding, that "articles manufactured
+from <i>cast steel</i> were of a very superior quality, such as razors,
+forks, &amp;c."&mdash;"Ay," replied the facetious baronet, "and soap too&mdash;there's
+no soap like <i>Castile</i> soap."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLVI.&mdash;CUTTING HIS COAT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was
+very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the "Emperor of the Dandies"
+for a "cut" which he had just patronized. The Duke, in the course of his
+eulogy on his Schneider, had frequent occasion to use the words "my
+coat."&mdash;"Your coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell: "what coat?"&mdash;"Why,
+<i>this</i> coat," said Leinster; "this coat that I have on." Brummell, after
+regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the
+Duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful
+of contamination,&mdash;"What, Duke, do you call <i>that thing</i> a coat?"</p>
+
+<h4>CCLVII.&mdash;NON SEQUITUR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, "Who was the father
+of George III.?"&mdash;"My darling," he answered, "it was Frederick, Prince
+of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLVIII.&mdash;ANY PORT IN A STORM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's
+was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship they had
+mutually insured. His friend observed, "Do you know that I suspect our
+ship is in <i>jeopardy</i>?"&mdash;"Well, I am glad that she has got <i>into some
+port at last</i>," replied the other.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCLIX.&mdash;INGRATITUDE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a
+banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest
+estimation, assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there
+at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, "Ah! sir! I did not expect that
+from <i>you</i>: for you know that, when all the country refused your notes,
+I <i>took</i> them."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLX.&mdash;NOT SO BAD FOR A KING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">George IV.</span>, on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered
+Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, "I won't say
+that Mr. Moore has <i>murdered</i> Sheridan, but he has certainly <i>attempted
+his life</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXI.&mdash;A BAD CROP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">After</span> a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country
+gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful
+rain; I hope it will bring up <i>everything out of the ground</i>."&mdash;"By
+Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have sowed three wives in
+it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXII.&mdash;"NONE SO BLIND," ETC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Daniel Purcell</span>, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King
+George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him:
+"Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight."&mdash;"Yes," replied
+Daniel, "I think I know him, <i>but I can't swear to him</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXIII.&mdash;DUPLEX MOVEMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A worthy</span> alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his
+company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the
+word, "<i>Advance</i> three paces <i>back-wards</i>! march!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXIV.&mdash;COULEUR DE ROSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> should come in
+contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed,
+"Keep off, you black rascal."&mdash;"You were as black as me before you were
+<i>boiled</i>," cried sooty.</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXV.&mdash;A FEELING WITNESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lawyer</span>, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an
+infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the
+jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite
+lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"&mdash;"<i>He pinched me</i>!"
+answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with
+laughter.</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXVI.&mdash;EXTREMES MEET.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught
+him there again, he'd lock him up in the <i>ice-house</i> and <i>warm</i> his
+jacket.</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXVII.&mdash;DR. WEATHER-EYE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gentleman was relating in company that he <i>saw</i> a terrible wind
+the other night. "<i>Saw</i> a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind
+being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"&mdash;"<i>Like</i> to have blown my
+house about my ears," replied the first.</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXVIII.&mdash;HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her
+absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He
+accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother,"
+then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather
+bad), the old lady exclaimed, "<i>Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always
+stuttered</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXIX.&mdash;A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Henniker</span>, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl
+of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said
+the doctor, "wit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> is like what a pension would be, given by your
+lordship to your humble servant, <i>a good thing well applied</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXX.&mdash;NATURAL TRANSMUTATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in
+Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's
+shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Now to a smith doth pass;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How naturally the <i>iron age</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Succeeds the <i>age of brass</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCLXXI.&mdash;CRITICS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Bacon</span>, speaking of commentators, critics, &amp;c., said, "With all
+their pretensions, they were only <i>brushers</i> of noblemen's clothes."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXII.&mdash;QUESTION AND ANSWER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Quaker</span> was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain
+duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by
+his <i>theeing</i> and <i>thouing</i>, one of them with a stern countenance asked
+him, "Pray, sir, do you know what <i>we sit here for</i>?"&mdash;"Yea," replied
+Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen
+hundred and fifty pounds a year."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXIII.&mdash;A TRUE JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual,
+asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against
+him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far
+enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you
+please, my lord, <i>we'll drop the subject</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXIV.&mdash;THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A judge</span> asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my
+lord," says he. "And why not fourscore<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> and eight?" says the judge.
+"Because," replied he, "I was <i>eight</i> before I was fourscore."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXV.&mdash;A CITY VARNISH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of
+Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and
+the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their
+assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or
+mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a
+gentleman present; "if you wish to <i>bring the figures out</i>, varnish it
+with <i>turtle soup</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXVI.&mdash;A RUB AT A RASCAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">George Colman</span> being once told that a man whose character was not very
+immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal
+and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's
+earth, it <i>daubs your coat</i> a little for a time, but when it is <i>rubbed
+off</i> your coat is so much the cleaner."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXVII.&mdash;A SAGE SIMILE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Thackeray</span> once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and
+<i>onions</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXVIII.&mdash;AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.</h4>
+
+<p><i>On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury
+Church.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The King of Great Britain was reckoned before<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The <i>head of the Church</i> by all Protestant people;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For with them he is now made the <i>head of the steeple</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCLXXIX.&mdash;THE MAJESTY OF MUD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the
+Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a
+troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and
+observed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have
+often heard you and others talk of the <i>majesty</i> of the people; but I
+never saw any of the young <i>princes and princesses</i> till now."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXX.&mdash;A PROVIDENT BOY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday
+with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom,
+you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."&mdash;"O yes," retorted the
+half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for <i>yesterday</i> and <i>to-day</i> yet,
+father."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXXI.&mdash;A QUERY ANSWERED.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Why</span>, pray, of late do Europe's kings<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">No jester to their courts admit?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"They're grown such stately solemn things,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To bear a joke they think not fit.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But though each court a jester lacks,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To laugh at monarchs to their faces,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet all mankind, behind their backs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Supply the honest jesters' places."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCLXXXII.&mdash;A WOMAN'S PROMISES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Anger</span> may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen
+Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face
+in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he
+thinks of nothing?"&mdash;"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which
+the Queen returned, "I must not <i>confute</i> you, Sir Edward," and she left
+him.</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXXIII.&mdash;THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sarah</span>, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a
+medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove
+serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then,
+my lord duke, for it must be of <i>service</i> one way or the other."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXXIV.&mdash;ROYAL FAVOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A low</span> fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken
+to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me
+<i>stand out of the way</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXXV.&mdash;BLACK AND WHITE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And boast that they are only blessed with light.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Peel's politics to both sides so incline,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He may be called the <i>equinoctial line</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCLXXXVI.&mdash;THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid
+to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to
+be apprehended."</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXXVII.&mdash;A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Byron</span>, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram,
+being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in
+years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus
+replied:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Ancient Phyllis has young graces,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Shall I tell you how?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She herself makes her own faces,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And each morning wears a new one!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Where's the wonder now</i>?"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCLXXXVIII.&mdash;BRIGHT AND SHARP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A little</span> boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a
+gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth,
+they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years,
+and <i>vice vers&acirc;</i>. "What a <i>very sensible boy</i>, sir, must <i>you</i> have
+been!" returned the child.</p>
+
+<h4>CCLXXXIX.&mdash;A WOODMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man, boasting of his health and constitutional<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> stamina, was
+asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in
+a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great
+<i>deal</i> every morning."&mdash;"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a
+<i>timber-yard</i>," was the rejoinder.</p>
+
+<h4>CCXC.&mdash;HUMAN HAPPINESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A captain</span> in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth,
+boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the <i>happiest</i> fellows
+in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged
+seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy
+that they have escaped."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXCI.&mdash;MEASURE FOR MEASURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A fellow</span> stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not
+finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship,
+"all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may <i>fit him</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCXCII.&mdash;A DESERVED RETORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A spendthrift</span>, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an
+acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought
+it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the
+gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's <i>lands</i>, which is
+more than you can say."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXCIII.&mdash;A POETICAL SHAPE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that
+he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was
+<i>in and out</i>, like the lines of <i>a Pindaric ode</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>CCXCIV.&mdash;A COMMON CASE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A sailor</span> meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a
+little, asked him where he lived? "Where I <i>live</i>," said he, "I don't
+know; but I <i>starve</i> towards Wapping, and that way."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCXCV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">You</span> beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCXCVI.&mdash;TOO COLD TO CHANGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised
+him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam,"
+answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any
+<i>habit</i>, be it ever so bad."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXCVII.&mdash;SEALING AN OATH.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Do you," said Fanny, t' other day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"In earnest love me as you say;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or are those tender words applied<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Alike to fifty girls beside?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For by those eyes,&mdash;those <i>lips</i> I swear!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She stopped me as the oath I took,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And cried, "You've sworn,&mdash;<i>now kiss the book</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCXCVIII.&mdash;A NEAT QUOTATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Norbury</span> asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause,
+was told that Mr. Serjeant <i>Joy</i>, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr.
+<i>Hope</i>, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His
+lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<i>Hope</i> told a flattering tale,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That <i>Joy</i> would soon return."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCXCIX.&mdash;GOOD SPORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat
+in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before
+breakfast. "Thirty-three <i>hairs</i>!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir!
+then you must have been firing at a <i>wig</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCC.&mdash;AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A noble</span> lord, not over courageous, was once so far<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> engaged in an affair
+of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he
+arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty <i>hearse</i> came by; on which his
+lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good
+fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send <i>you a fare</i>." This operated so
+strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon,
+and returned home in a whole skin.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCI.&mdash;A GOOD SERVANT.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I can't</span> conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you
+manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live
+at the rate you do."&mdash;"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."&mdash;"A
+place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,&mdash;pray what
+place?"&mdash;"<i>I am my own steward</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCII.&mdash;BALANCING ACCOUNTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Theophilus Cibber</span>, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father
+for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon
+your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my
+father's money."&mdash;"But you have spent a great deal of <i>my father's</i>,"
+replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCIII.&mdash;A NOVELTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added
+another, "you have <i>now</i> done it for the first time."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCIV.&mdash;SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the
+Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of
+more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the
+reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to
+examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be
+permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."&mdash;"Then," said
+she, "I suppose your lordship was <i>smuggled</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCV.&mdash;BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some
+instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of
+a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her <i>compassion</i>:
+"Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCCVI.&mdash;AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him
+to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and
+see how you open your mouth, <i>that I may know what sort of words will
+fit it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCVII.&mdash;WHIG AND TORY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Whig</span> and Tory scratch and bite,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Just as hungry dogs we see;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Throw a couple, they agree.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCVIII.&mdash;CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> was complimenting Mrs. &mdash;&mdash; on her acting a certain female
+character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady,
+modestly, "one should be young and handsome."&mdash;"Nay, madam," replied the
+gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the <i>contrary</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCIX.&mdash;A PLACEBO.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said
+to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry,
+Fraser, to leave this <i>old</i> place."&mdash;"Psha, sir," said George, "don't
+fret; when you had this <i>old</i> place, you were <i>out</i> of place; now you
+are <i>in place</i>, you can get both <i>yourself and me a better place</i>." The
+hint was taken, and old George provided for.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCX.&mdash;A PLACE WANTED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, who did not live very happily with his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> wife, on the maid
+telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept
+scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I
+wish I could give <i>warning</i> too."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXI.&mdash;NOT TO BE BOUGHT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A common-councilman's</span> lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and
+inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess
+answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants
+anything it is a <i>capacity</i>: but for <i>that</i> deficiency you know we must
+not blame <i>her</i>."&mdash;"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame <i>you</i>
+for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a
+<i>capacity</i>; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXII.&mdash;SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix,
+an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed
+that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &amp;c., into the
+street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping
+<i>physic</i> into the street be any proof of insanity."&mdash;"True, my lord,"
+replied the counsel, "but sweeping the <i>pots</i> away, certainly was."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXIII.&mdash;CRUEL SUGGESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Stanley</span> came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King
+James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a
+sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation
+between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord
+Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your
+presence."&mdash;"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I
+send him to the Tower?"&mdash;"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley,
+"inflict a severer punishment,&mdash;<i>send him back to Scotland</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXIV.&mdash;AN ODD FELLOW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Willoughby de Broke</span> was a very singular character,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> and had more
+peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House
+of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the
+door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my <i>fellow
+be</i>?"&mdash;"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be
+near him, "<i>not in Europe</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXV.&mdash;POST-MORTEM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and
+humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman
+having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made,
+intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs,
+madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."&mdash;To which she instantly
+replied, "But not till he was <i>dead</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXVI.&mdash;KNOWING HIS PLACE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there
+was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise
+every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord
+Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run
+up after that boy."&mdash;"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to
+<i>follow your Majesty</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXVII.&mdash;AN ATTIC JEST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on
+his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to
+vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead
+a label, "To let."&mdash;"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, <i>unfurnished</i>,"
+rejoined the father.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXVIII.&mdash;CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord B&mdash;&mdash;</span>, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr.
+O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your
+whiskers on the <i>peace establishment</i>?"&mdash;"When you place your tongue on
+the <i>civil list</i>!" was the rejoinder.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCXIX.&mdash;A READY RECKONER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A mathematician</span> being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how
+much will a great boar (<i>bore</i>?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the
+scales, and I will <i>tell you immediately</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXX.&mdash;CATCHING HIM UP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am
+eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall
+be <i>both</i> of an age."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXI.&mdash;A STOPPER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> describing a person who often visited him for the sole
+purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the <i>stay</i>-maker.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXII.&mdash;A BOOK CASE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who
+curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr.
+Curran, I may burn my law-books!"&mdash;"Better <i>read</i> them, my lord," was
+the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXIII.&mdash;HINC ILLE LACHRYM&AElig;.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A&mdash;&mdash;ll,
+"is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love
+every fortnight."&mdash;"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so
+mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the <i>press</i>, and wipes his eyes
+with <i>the public</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXIV.&mdash;REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in
+London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more
+punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied
+John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or
+conferred a favor on any man living, <i>no one would pray for him</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXV.&mdash;A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bishop Warburton</span>, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at
+the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like,
+and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest
+butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher
+thumped the cushion."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXVI.&mdash;STONE BLIND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron's</span> valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by
+observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my
+lord, what capital <i>mantelpieces</i> that marble would make in England!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXVII.&mdash;AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of
+Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession.
+"I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my
+roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then
+returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play,
+and as I can find <i>no trace</i> of <i>a plot</i> in either, you may go free."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXVIII.&mdash;DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span> was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely
+inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up
+the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to
+induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how
+extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied
+the doctor; "I wish it were <i>impossible</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXIX.&mdash;MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nature</span> descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his
+parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at
+it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects
+crawling about it,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest,
+grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are
+convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.&mdash;S.S.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXX.&mdash;PLEASANT DESERTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing
+all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and
+ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to
+attend you,&mdash;you <i>deserve</i> to be ill."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXXI.&mdash;A HOME ARGUMENT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">By</span> one decisive argument<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To fix the bridal day.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I shall not change my mind," she said.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"But then," says he, "I <i>may</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCXXXII.&mdash;A BAD PEN.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Nature</span> has written 'honest man' on his face," said a friend to Jerrold,
+speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether blind.
+"Humph!" Jerrold replied, "then the pen must have been a very bad one."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXXIII.&mdash;WIGNELL THE ACTOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was <i>Cato</i>: and on its
+revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his
+old-established part of <i>Portius</i>; and having stepped forward with a
+prodigious though accustomed strut, began:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"The dawn is overcast; the morning lowers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And heavily, in clouds, brings on the day."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The audience upon this began to vociferate "Prologue! prologue!
+prologue!" when Wignell, finding them resolute, without betraying any
+emotion, pause, or change in his voice and manner, proceeded as if it
+were part of the play:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Ladies and gentlemen, there has been no<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Prologue spoken to this play these twenty years&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The great, the important day, big with the fate<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of Cato and of Rome."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>This wonderful effusion put the audience in good humor: they laughed
+immoderately, clapped, and shouted "<i>Bravo</i>!" and Wignell still
+continued with his usual composure and stateliness.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXXIV.&mdash;CANDOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A notorious</span> egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good
+qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason
+why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others
+when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain
+enough," said Macklin; "<i>impudence</i>,&mdash;nothing but stark-staring
+impudence!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXXV.&mdash;A "COLD" COMPLIMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A coxcomb</span>, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments,
+complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head.
+"No wonder," returned the doctor; "you always go out without <i>anything</i>
+in it."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXXVI.&mdash;READY REPLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the
+unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough
+to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had
+often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green,
+when, in obedience to the calls of his appetite, he went to hall to
+dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for
+invading the rights of his superiors, and for that purpose he threw up
+the sash at which he was sitting, and called to the student,&mdash;"Sir, I
+never look out of my window but I see you walking across the
+grass-plot". "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk
+across the grass-plot, but I <i>see you</i> looking out of your window." The
+master, pleased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window,
+convulsed with laughter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXXVII.&mdash;FULL PROOF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Peterborough</span> was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of
+Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be
+roughly treated, said,&mdash;"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons
+that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only
+<i>five guineas</i> in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at
+your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and
+acclamations.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXXXVIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> merry Old England it once was the rule,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The king had his poet and also his fool;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That Cibber can serve both for <i>fool</i> and for <i>poet</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCXXXIX.&mdash;A PROPHECY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Charles Mathews</span>, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his
+son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why,"
+answered the comedian, "he is going to <i>draw houses</i>, like his father."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXL.&mdash;A FIXTURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Roger Long</span>, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark
+evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short
+post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of
+conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily,
+"Get out of the way, boy."&mdash;"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously,
+"is a <i>post-boy</i>, who never turns out of the way for anybody."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXLI.&mdash;FAMILY PRIDE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato.
+John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his
+mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist <i>twa</i> in the dish,
+and they maun be <i>keepit</i> for the strangers."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCXLII.&mdash;EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:&mdash;Counsel: "What
+was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old
+was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?"
+Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen <i>feet</i>."
+Witness: "Sixteen <i>feet</i>! Did I say sixteen <i>feet</i>?" Counsel: "You did."
+Witness: "<i>If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet</i>!&mdash;you don't
+catch me crossing myself!"</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXLIII.&mdash;WAY OF THE WORLD.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Determined</span> beforehand, we gravely pretend<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Should his differ from ours on any pretence,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We pity his want both of judgment and sense;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But if he falls into and flatters our plan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why, really we think him a sensible man.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCXLIV.&mdash;A BROAD-SHEET HINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be
+written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning
+to <i>spell</i> are requested to use <i>yesterday's paper</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXLV.&mdash;MODEST MERIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A player</span> applied to the manager of a respectable company for an
+engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable
+of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was
+"the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered
+the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part
+of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked
+the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part.
+"Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you
+were the <i>worst</i> actor in the world."&mdash;"True," replied the other, "but
+then I had not <i>seen you</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCXLVI.&mdash;SOFT, VERY!</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester
+road, "Lord M&mdash;&mdash;ms has the softest lips in the universe.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Phillis</span>."
+Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Then as like as two chips<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are his head and his lips.&mdash;<span class="smcap">Amarillis</span>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCXLVII.&mdash;CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cambridge</span> etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following
+anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam,
+observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of <i>drowning</i>,
+"What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being
+<i>introduced</i> to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on,
+leaving the poor fellow to his fate.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXLVIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On interminable harangues.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Ye</span> fates that hold the vital shears,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If ye be troubled with remorse,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And will not cut &mdash;&mdash;'s <i>thread of life</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cut then the <i>thread of his discourse</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCXLIX.&mdash;HALF-WAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A horseman</span> crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding.
+"Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the <i>bottom</i>, I'll
+warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths.
+"You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"&mdash;"Ay,"
+replied the other, "but you are not <i>half-way</i> to the bottom yet."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCL.&mdash;SELF-KNOWLEDGE.</h4>
+
+<p>"&mdash;&mdash;," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will
+cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he <i>knows nothing</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCLI.&mdash;TWO OF A TRADE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared
+at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this
+season, but he will be <i>robbing</i> Harris (the manager) the next."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLII.&mdash;A STRAY SHOT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer, in battle, happening to <i>bow</i>, a cannon-ball passed over his
+head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see,"
+said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLIII.&mdash;MILESIAN ADVICE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Never</span> be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer,
+remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a
+true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty
+woman, is <i>to shut his eyes</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLIV.&mdash;MR. ABERNETHY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her
+complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she
+said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."&mdash;"Why then,
+ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for <i>doing so</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLV.&mdash;THE DEBT PAID.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">To John I owed great obligation,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But John, unhappily, thought fit<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To publish it to all the nation;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Sure John and I are more than quit.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCLVI.&mdash;EXTREMES MEET.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A clever</span> literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told
+him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."&mdash;"Extremes meet sometimes,"
+said Jerrold.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCLVII.&mdash;A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his
+court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor
+bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the
+impertinent <i>ha, ha, ha!</i> becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the
+doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that <i>you</i>
+can comprehend."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLVIII.&mdash;TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Garrick</span> was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of
+players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to
+Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you
+to write an address to the Birmingham audience."&mdash;"Suppose, then," said
+Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel&mdash;"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players
+off the stage and pull the house down."&mdash;"My lord," said Garrick, "what
+is the use of an address if it does not come home to the <i>business</i> and
+<i>bosoms</i> of the audience?"</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLIX.&mdash;A GOOD REASON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the
+rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to
+consider that they have <i>nothing</i> else to do."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLX.&mdash;FOLLOWING A LEADER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Franklin</span>, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary
+society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed,
+determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express
+satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the
+French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest
+when they were <i>praising you</i>!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained
+the matter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXI.&mdash;IDOLATRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXII.&mdash;TWICE RUINED.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I never</span> was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I <i>lost</i> a
+lawsuit, and once when I <i>gained</i> one."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXIII.&mdash;Q.E.D.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name
+and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of
+this parish."&mdash;"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that
+be?"&mdash;"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the
+children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the
+fathers, and consequently <i>I am master</i> of the whole parish."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXIV.&mdash;SHORT STORIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Walter Scott</span> once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for
+him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the
+laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's
+Dictionary. "Well, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your
+book?"&mdash;"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird;
+"but they're unco' <i>short</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXV.&mdash;ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> ancient poets Argus prize,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who boasted of a hundred eyes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sure greater praise to her is due,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who looks a hundred ways with two.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCLXVI.&mdash;AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket
+Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a
+<i>black lady of great accomplishments</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXVII.&mdash;DEMOCRATIC VISION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Horne Tooke</span>, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards,
+replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a <i>king</i> from a <i>knave</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXVIII.&mdash;FISHY, RATHER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Ellenborough</span>, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his
+carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the
+best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXIX.&mdash;LIGHT BREAD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A baker</span> has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a
+<i>pound</i> of it weighs only <i>twelve</i> ounces.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXX.&mdash;SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Judge C&mdash;&mdash; one day had occasion to examine a witness who
+stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his
+lordship, "you are a very great rogue."&mdash;"Not so great a rogue as <i>you</i>
+my lord,&mdash;t-t-t-take me to be."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXI.&mdash;ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On velvet rests, 'tis said;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ah! did he seek a softer place,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He'd rest upon his head.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXII.&mdash;POLITICAL CORRUPTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a
+chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then
+called aloud to his neighbors to witness his <i>dirty</i> elevation.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXIII.&mdash;A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A quaker</span> being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly,
+"Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to <i>take
+off</i> his hat!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXIV.&mdash;A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man
+in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us
+a <i>new hat</i>, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXV.&mdash;EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Foote</span>, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Death <i>took him off, who took off all</i> the world.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXVI.&mdash;THE ANGRY OCEAN.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Mother</span>, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what
+makes the ocean get angry?"&mdash;"Because it has been <i>crossed</i> so often, my
+son."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXVII.&mdash;BREVITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Abernethy</span>, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than
+by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing
+Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his
+house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."&mdash;"A poultice," quietly
+answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said,
+"Better."&mdash;"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made
+her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,&mdash;your
+fee?"&mdash;"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I
+ever saw."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXVIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> L&mdash;d&mdash;d&mdash;y has a grain of sense,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For from the fact we draw the inference,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He's that which never has been made <i>a peer</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXIX.&mdash;A BROAD-BRIM HINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A quaker</span> said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be
+thy design <i>to hit</i> the little man in the blue jacket, point thine
+engine three inches lower."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXX.&mdash;AN ORDER FOR TWO.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the
+author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr.
+Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether
+his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he
+wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"&mdash;"admit <i>two pounds
+two</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXXI.&mdash;EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">His</span> hair so black,&mdash;his beard so gray,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis that his labors always lay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Less on his brain than on his <i>jaws</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXXII.&mdash;MARRIAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A widower</span>, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying
+some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his
+present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my
+dear, nobody regrets <i>her loss</i> more than I do."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXXIII.&mdash;FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a
+word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did
+not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait
+the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the
+<i>length</i> of my sermon to-day?"&mdash;"No, sir, not at all; nor by the <i>depth</i>
+either!" The young man was silent.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXXIV.&mdash;VISIBLE PROOF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his
+marriage, exhibited a <i>huge scar</i> on his head, which looked as though it
+might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXXV.&mdash;SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> Tom Sheridan once
+kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by <i>fixing</i> the
+weathercock in that direction.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXXVI.&mdash;EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">We</span> every-day bards may "Anonymous" sign:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thy writings, where satire and moral unite,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Must bring forth the name of their author to light.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The bad own their <i>Edge</i> and the good own their <i>worth</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXXVII.&mdash;KEEN REPLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A retired</span> vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was
+asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the
+nightingale, which does not sing after it has <i>made its nest</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXXVIII.&mdash;A GOOD EXAMPLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the
+Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his
+tongue. There are other <i>speakers</i> in the House (not official) who would
+show their sagacity by following the example of their President.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCLXXXIX.&mdash;A CERTAINTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning,
+Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In
+the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument
+next?"&mdash;"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and
+<i>you</i> are doctoring him; then I <i>keep right on</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXC.&mdash;NOMINAL RHYMES.</h4>
+
+<p>THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Is</span> that dace or perch?<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Birch;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">I take it for herring,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Perring.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This jack's very good,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Wood;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But its bones might a man slay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Ansley.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'll butter what I get,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Heygate.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Give me some stewed carp,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Thorp;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The roe's dry as pith,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alder<i>men</i> Smith.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Don't cut so far down,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Brown;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But nearer the fin,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Glyn.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've finished, i'faith, man,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Waithman:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And I too, i'fatkins,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Atkins.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They've crimped this cod drolly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Scholey;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'T is bruised at the ridges,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Brydges.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was it caught in a drag? Nay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Magnay.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'T was brought by two men,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Ven-<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">ables: Yes, in a box,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Cox.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They care not how <i>fur 'tis</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Curtis;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From air kept, and from sun,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Thompson;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Packed neatly in straw,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Shaw:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In ice got from Gunter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Hunter.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This ketchup is sour,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Flower;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then steep it in claret,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said Alderman Garret.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCXCI.&mdash;A BROAD HINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Charles II.</span> playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the
+king said, "That's a good stroke for a <i>dean</i>."&mdash;"I'll give it the
+stroke of a <i>bishop</i> if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive
+rejoinder.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXCII.&mdash;VAILS TO SERVANTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">To</span> such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or
+visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon
+the subject eight letters to the Duke of N&mdash;&mdash;, supposed to be the Duke
+of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the
+house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other
+servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who
+returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take <i>silver</i>."&mdash;"Don't you,
+indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then <i>I do</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXCIII.&mdash;QUITE TRUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Avarice</span> is criminal poverty.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXCIV.&mdash;CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I'm very glad," to E&mdash;b&mdash;h said<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"That 'tis the outer product of your head,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And not the <i>inner</i>, you <i>commit to paper</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CCCXCV.&mdash;THE POLITE SCHOLAR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A scholar</span> and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the
+wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every <i>coxcomb</i> the
+wall." The scholar answered, "But <i>I do, sir</i>;" and so passed by him.</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXCVI.&mdash;A COOL HAND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in
+sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from
+certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie
+Ochiltree afforded<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals
+of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave
+some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear,"
+replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with
+serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave
+<i>me</i> for <i>you</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXCVII.&mdash;QUID PRO QUO.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred
+of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly
+unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what
+you lawyers mean by docking an entail."&mdash;"That is very likely," answered
+the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors
+never consent to,&mdash;<i>suffering a recovery</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXCVIII.&mdash;RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A recruiting</span> serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,&mdash;"Come,
+my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"&mdash;"Voight for my King,"
+answered Hodge, "why, has he <i>fawn out</i> wi' ony body?"</p>
+
+<h4>CCCXCIX.&mdash;AN ANECDOTE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">E&mdash;d&mdash;n</span> was asked by one of note,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why merit he did not promote;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"For this good reason," answered he,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"'Cause <i>merit ne'er promoted me</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CD.&mdash;DIDO.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Of</span> this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register
+Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious
+particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It
+happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly
+celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the
+conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's
+opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the
+man an injury, yet <i>he would read his tragedy to me</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CDI.&mdash;EXTREME SIMPLICITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A countryman</span> took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who
+was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common
+property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with
+the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine,
+indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was <i>ice</i>
+in it."</p>
+
+<h4>CDII.&mdash;NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan
+theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by
+the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out,
+"Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made
+<i>wretched</i> in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll <i>summons</i> you,
+sir!"</p>
+
+<h4>CDIII.&mdash;AS YOU LIKE IT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when
+abroad, "because <i>nobody</i> knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed
+when at home, "because <i>everybody</i> knew him."</p>
+
+<h4>CDIV.&mdash;AN UPRIGHT MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Erskine</span> was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned
+by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine,
+in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties
+with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So
+far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of
+<i>Bolt upright</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDV.&mdash;THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A&mdash;&mdash;, who
+asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by
+the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so
+painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no
+service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you
+what, I <i>won't say</i> a word about it."</p>
+
+<h4>CDVI.&mdash;TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">If</span> a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would
+be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.</p>
+
+<h4>CDVII.&mdash;ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(To those in want of employment.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is always sure to find a <i>vacancy</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDVIII.&mdash;A "DOUBLE TIMES."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A huge</span>, double-sheeted copy of the <i>Times</i> newspaper was put into the
+hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a
+bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal.
+"Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well
+for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living
+in the country,&mdash;it is equal to a <i>day's fishing</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDIX.&mdash;PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Parr</span> had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not
+even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged
+with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady
+how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well,
+madam, considering that I have <i>three</i> adversaries."</p>
+
+<h4>CDX.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On the depth of Lord &mdash;&mdash; arguments.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Yes</span>, in debate we must admit,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His argument is quite profound;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His reasoning's <i>deep</i>, for <i>deuce a bit</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Can anybody <i>see the ground</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXI.&mdash;A SEASONABLE JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span>, being in company, where he said something humorous in
+rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of
+Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I advise you to give him whatever he axes;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I advise you to give it without any flummery,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For though his name's <i>Winter</i>, his actions are <i>summary</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On the immortality of &mdash;&mdash;'s speeches.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Thy</span> speeches are immortal, O my friend,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For he that hears them&mdash;hears them to <i>no end</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXIII.&mdash;A CONSIDERATE SON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A witch</span>, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired
+him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you
+wrong, for the <i>drier</i> you are, the better you will burn."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXIV.&mdash;DANGEROUSLY WELL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron</span>, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady &mdash;&mdash;
+has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is
+<i>dangerously well</i> again."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On Lord E&mdash;nb&mdash;&mdash;h's pericranium.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Let</span> none because of its abundant <i>locks</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That dandy E&mdash;nb&mdash;&mdash;h's "knowledge-box"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Has anything worth larceny within it.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXVI.&mdash;A NEW SCHOLAR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Californian</span> gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to
+procure for him a library of books. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> friend obeyed, and received a
+letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your
+selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise,
+by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr.
+Shakespeare. <i>If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more,
+be sure and send me their new works</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXVII.&mdash;PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jemmy Gordon</span>, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named <i>Pilgrim</i>, who
+was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes,
+exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do;
+you have put a stop to <i>Pilgrim's Progress</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CDXVIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Life</span> is a lottery where we find<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That fortune plays full many a prank;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And when poor &mdash;&mdash; got his mind,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas fortune made him <i>draw a blank</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXIX.&mdash;A SUDDEN CHANGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was
+very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by
+the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had
+hopped a little farther, it would have <i>hopped into the water</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXX.&mdash;VALUABLE DISCOVERY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A recent</span> philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned!
+"How&mdash;how&mdash;how?" we hear everybody asking. He <i>never</i> run in debt.</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXI.&mdash;A USEFUL ALLY.</h4>
+
+<p>"<i>Cracked</i> China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for
+you, or else the deuce is in it!</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXII.&mdash;TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Charles Lamb</span> sitting next some chattering woman at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> dinner, observing he
+didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the
+better for what I am saying to you!"&mdash;"No, ma'am," he answered, "but
+this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at <i>one
+ear</i> and went out at <i>the other</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXIII.&mdash;WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David
+Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir
+David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant
+human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of
+puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes,
+as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with
+serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He <i>sees</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXIV.&mdash;RINGING THE CHANGES.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4"><span class="smcap">At</span> a tavern one night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Messrs. <i>More</i>, <i>Strange</i>, and <i>Wright</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Says More, "Of us three,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">The whole town will agree,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There is only one knave, and that's <i>Strange</i>."<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">"Yes," says Strange (rather sore),<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">"I'm sure there's one <i>More</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A most terrible knave and a bite,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Who cheated his mother,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">His sister and brother."&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"O yes," replied More, "that is <i>Wright</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXXV.&mdash;KNOWING HIS MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver
+ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner
+for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't
+exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an <i>attorney</i>, he would have
+<i>stolen the bowl</i> as well as the ladle."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CDXXVI.&mdash;A SMALL GLASS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing
+<i>Macbeth</i>, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the
+performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass,
+saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke;
+take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you,
+sir!"&mdash;"<i>Not if it was vitriol</i>!" was the rejoinder.</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXVII.&mdash;DOMESTIC ECONOMY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of
+meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven
+dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a <i>young</i>
+lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day.
+To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she
+had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='left'>&pound;</td><td align='left'>s.</td><td align='left'>d.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>At top, fish, two herrings</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>1</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Middle, one ounce and a half of butter, melted</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-3/4</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Bottom, a mutton chop, divided</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>2</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>On one side, one pound of small potatoes</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-1/2</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>On the other side, pickled cabbage</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-1/2</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>1-1/2</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a pudding</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-1/2</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Parsley for garnish</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>0-1/4</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='left' colspan='3'>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='left'>&pound;0</td><td align='left'>0</td><td align='left'>7</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='left' colspan='3'>&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<p>&mdash;Seven dishes for sevenpence!</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXVIII.&mdash;AN EMPTY HEAD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Of</span> a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he
+said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXIX.&mdash;A BAD LABEL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom</span> bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> of a label, wrote
+his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied
+it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly
+remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"&mdash;"Why?"
+said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the <i>eight</i> of clubs
+and take it!"</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXX.&mdash;"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was
+short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the
+player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his
+handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah!
+sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for <i>my own</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXXI.&mdash;MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">All</span> honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if
+classed by moral distinctions.</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXXII.&mdash;A SILK GOWN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Grattan</span> said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on
+getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk
+to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had
+been enveloped <i>in silk</i>, no spark of <i>patriotism</i> had reached his
+heart.</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXXIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Every</span> Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it
+is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to
+be <i>plucked</i> at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T.
+Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I have heard they <i>plucked</i> geese upon <i>Shelford</i> Fen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But never till now knew that <i>Shelford</i> plucked men."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXXXIV.&mdash;THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> enjoying a
+glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a
+certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass,
+"that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so
+good in it."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXXV.&mdash;FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span>, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord
+Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote
+observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his
+lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much
+more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit,
+"why you should have given him a <i>dinner</i> like this, and <i>poisoned
+him</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXXVI.&mdash;UNREASONABLE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Tom</span>," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a
+soldier as you get drunk so often?"&mdash;"Colonel," replied he, "how can you
+expect all the <i>virtues</i> that adorn the human character for <i>sixpence</i>
+a-day?"</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXXVII.&mdash;AN HONEST WARRANTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain
+concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I
+have bought your horse, what are his faults?"&mdash;"I know of no faults that
+he has, except two," replied the man; "and <i>one</i> is, that he is hard to
+catch."&mdash;"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to
+catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"&mdash;"Ah, sir!
+that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when
+you <i>have</i> caught him."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXXXVIII.&mdash;THE REASON WHY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late
+storm was, because there was a <i>heavy mortgage</i> on it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CDXXXIX.&mdash;BLOTTING IT OUT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mathews's</span> attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his
+medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On
+discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I
+have given you ink."&mdash;"Never&mdash;never mind, my boy&mdash;never mind," said
+Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit&mdash;of <i>blotting-paper</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXL.&mdash;CLERICAL WIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel
+of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The <i>font</i> is at the other
+end of the church."&mdash;"What do I want with the font?" said the old
+gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought
+you had brought <i>this child to be christened</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXLI.&mdash;A NICE DISTINCTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Ned Shuter</span> thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings
+with holes to having them darned:&mdash;"A hole," said he, "may be the
+<i>accident</i> of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but <i>a darn</i>
+is premeditated poverty."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXLII.&mdash;WIT AND QUACKERY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A celebrated</span> quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in
+order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came
+there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry
+Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here <i>for want</i>?"&mdash;"No faith,
+sir," replied Andrew, "we have <i>enough</i> of that at home."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXLIII.&mdash;WIT DEFINED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dryden's</span> description of wit is excellent. He says:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"A thousand different shapes wit wears,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Comely in thousand shapes appears;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Admired with laughter at a feast;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The proofs of wit for ever must remain."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXLIV.&mdash;A VAIN SEARCH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Francis Blake Delaval's</span> death had such an effect on Foote that he
+burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days;
+the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him,
+with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week,
+sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect
+his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with
+some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have
+known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find
+anything in it."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXLV.&mdash;A BAD CUSTOMER.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">We</span> don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give
+you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for
+three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass
+swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I
+think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of
+'em <i>five or six</i> for a penny anywhere else."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXLVI.&mdash;A REFLECTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him
+he could plainly see a <i>rogue</i> in his face. "I never knew till now,"
+said the witness, "that my <i>face</i> was a <i>looking-glass</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXLVII.&mdash;FOOTE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a
+foolish scrape about <i>the antiquity of family</i> with another artist, who
+gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable
+time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of
+the argument; your family is not only <i>several thousand years old</i>, but
+at the same time <i>the most numerous</i> of any on the face of the globe, on
+the authority of Shakespeare:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"All the souls that are, were <i>Forfeit</i> once."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXLVIII.&mdash;INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Died</span> from fatigue, three laundresses together all,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Verdict,&mdash;had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.</p></div>
+
+<h4>CDXLIX.&mdash;A BASE ONE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A friend</span> was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a
+person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady
+to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a <i>base
+'un</i>," said Jerrold.</p>
+
+<h4>CDL.&mdash;PROFITABLE JUGGLING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A professor</span> of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which
+was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives"
+with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a
+little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily
+exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my
+bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler.
+"Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an
+ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it
+into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll <i>no turn't</i> into a bawbee
+again."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLI.&mdash;PICKPOCKETING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Baron de B&eacute;ranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the
+very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring
+whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor
+of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow,
+"your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings
+in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a <i>flat</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLII.&mdash;DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to
+finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> the neighborhood of the
+inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning
+privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a
+waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place,
+said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his
+usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman
+<i>like the knave of clubs</i>, tell him he is particularly wanted." The
+waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.</p>
+
+<h4>CDLIII.&mdash;AFFECTATION.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Delia</span> is twenty-two, and yet so weak,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDLIV.&mdash;WARM FRIENDSHIPS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated
+for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner
+takes them up than he puts them down again."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLV.&mdash;THEATRICAL MISTAKES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A laughable</span> blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in
+the season of 1823, in the part of <i>Miss Stirling</i>, in "The Clandestine
+Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of <i>Betty</i>, who had locked the
+door of <i>Miss Fanny's</i> room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said,
+"<i>She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket</i>."
+Mrs. Davenport, as <i>Mrs. Heidelberg</i>, had previously excited a hearty
+laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "<i>I protest there's a
+candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand</i>;" but the
+mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated,
+that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke
+with three rounds of applause.</p>
+
+<h4>CDLVI.&mdash;A BROKEN HEAD.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I am</span> the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> "that ever had a
+broken head,&mdash;to live after it. I was hunting near my place in
+Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a
+scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head
+was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders
+like a pair of epaulettes. <i>That</i> was a broken head, if you please,
+sir."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLVII.&mdash;CALEDONIAN COMFORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their
+quarters for the night at a <i>Highland hotel</i> in Breadalbane: one of them
+next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent
+bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea
+vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the <i>bugs</i>, for
+de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"</p>
+
+<h4>CDLVIII.&mdash;AN ODD FAMILY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Blayney</span> said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each
+other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be
+<i>hereditary</i> in their family to have no children."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLIX.&mdash;A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor M&mdash;&mdash;t</span>, after he retired from practice, being one day in
+company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of
+conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically
+observed, "If any man were to claim the <i>coat</i> upon my back, and
+threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in
+defending my <i>coat</i> I should too late find that I was deprived of my
+<i>waistcoat</i> also."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLX.&mdash;BEN JONSON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of
+fish, but without drink, said:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"In a dish came fish<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From the arch-bis-<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hop was not there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because there was no <i>beer</i>."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>CDLXI.&mdash;UNREMITTING KINDNESS.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Call</span> that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent
+acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a
+farthing! Call that kindness?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXII.&mdash;KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last
+scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is
+made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added,
+"and the Birmingham <i>audience</i> into the bargain."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXIII.&mdash;A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A learned</span> doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public
+benefit, inasmuch as it <i>kills off</i> all the foolish girls, and leaves
+the wise only to grow into women.</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXIV.&mdash;A MARK OF RESPECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Congreve</span> was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive
+disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter
+said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my
+head."&mdash;"I accept it," said Congreve; "for <i>trifles</i> show respect."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXV.&mdash;A GRETNA CUSTOMER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A runaway</span> couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five
+guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the
+gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a
+guinea."&mdash;"True," said the smith, "but <i>he</i> was an Irishman. I have
+married him six times. <i>He is a good customer</i>, and <i>you</i> I may never
+see again."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXVI.&mdash;LEAVING HIS VERDICT.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I remember</span>," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York,
+and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are
+only eleven jurymen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> in the box, where is the twelfth?'&mdash;'Please you, my
+lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other
+business&mdash;but <i>he has left his verdict with me</i>!'"</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXVII.&mdash;OVER-WISE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one
+morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following
+passage:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><ins class="translit" title="All ouk arisophos eimi.">&#913;&#955;&#955; &#959;&#965;&#954; &#945;&#961;&#953;&#963;&#959;&#966;&#959;&#962; &#949;&#953;&#956;&#953;.</ins><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>To which he gave the proper sense,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I am not <i>over-wise</i>;"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,&mdash;"<i>You</i> are quite right,
+sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXVIII.&mdash;IMPROMPTU.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'<span class="smcap">Tis</span> said that walls have ears; if this be true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDLXIX.&mdash;INDEPENDENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jemmy Gordon</span>, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without
+shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very
+indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him,
+if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse
+me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand
+in <i>your shoes</i> for all the world!"</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXX.&mdash;ON PRIDE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Fitsmall</span>, who drinks with knights and lords,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To steal a share of notoriety,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will tell you in important words,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He <i>mixes</i> in the best society.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDLXXI.&mdash;BLACK LETTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a
+black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the
+precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old
+books,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very <i>indifferent
+spelling</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXII.&mdash;A HIATUS.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Did</span> you not on going down find a <i>party</i> in your kitchen?" asked an
+underbred barrister of a witness. "A <i>tea-party</i>, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;?" mildly
+interposed Judge Maule.</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXIII.&mdash;A REASONABLE REQUEST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only
+cost a few men."&mdash;"Will <i>you</i> make one of the few?" remarked the
+general.</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXIV.&mdash;A STRIKING POINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract,
+Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the
+House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the <i>noes</i>
+(<i>nose</i>) will have it."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXV.&mdash;VERY PRETTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress
+knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her
+beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful
+woman he had ever seen. "I thought so <i>yesterday</i>," he replied.</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXVI.&mdash;AN ODD BIRD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A late</span> Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several.
+He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The
+duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his
+surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord
+Thurlow's <i>laid an egg</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXVII.&mdash;INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Found</span> dead, a rat&mdash;no case could sure be harder;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Verdict&mdash;Confined a week in Eldon's larder.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Verdict&mdash;Ennui&mdash;so little work to do.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>CDLXXVIII.&mdash;"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Mr. John Smith</span>, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a
+"fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a
+steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to
+drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a
+tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute
+darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my
+fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second
+clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized
+him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler
+with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down
+through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by
+the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up
+to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax'
+demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too
+high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty
+dollars in my life, <i>and I've done the same thing often</i>.'"</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXIX.&mdash;CONFIDENCE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Why</span>," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always
+sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention
+to every stranger I invite?"&mdash;"Because, sir," was the reply, "when <i>you</i>
+preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust <i>a stranger</i> without
+keeping a good look-out."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXX.&mdash;THE CUT INFERNAL.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Said</span> Wetherall the other night<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of &mdash;&mdash;: "He's the silliest elf<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I ever <i>knew</i>." Sir Charles was right,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For no one ever <i>knows himself</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDLXXXI.&mdash;FEELING HIS WAY.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Uncle</span>," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him
+rather sparingly with pocket-money),<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> "is the Queen's head <i>still</i> on
+the sovereign?"&mdash;"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask
+that?"&mdash;"Because it is now such a length of time since <i>I saw one</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXXII.&mdash;THE WILL.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> dying intestate, his relatives claimed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Since he married, poor man, he'd <i>no will of his own</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CDLXXXIII.&mdash;INGENUOUSNESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their
+general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him
+was true. "General," said one of them, "<i>it is</i>; and we should have said
+much more if our <i>wine</i> had not failed."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXXIV.&mdash;A NEW SPORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span> thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why,
+gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with
+venison, and go a-<i>Quinning</i>, I should certainly bite; and what a sight
+should I be dangling in the air!"</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXXV.&mdash;SYDNEY SMITH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had
+been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations,
+and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this,"
+said Mr. Smith. "<i>Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente</i>," was the reply.
+"Pray, sir, do you <i>believe</i> in a <i>cook</i>?" inquired Mr. Smith.</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXXVI.&mdash;EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF &mdash;&mdash;'S CONSISTENCY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">That</span> he's ne'er known to change his mind,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is surely nothing strange;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For no one yet could ever find<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He'd any mind to change.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>CDLXXXVII.&mdash;A FAIR PROPOSAL.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Why</span> don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F&mdash;&mdash; to a boy struggling
+with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will
+<i>hold</i> my calf, I'll pull off my hat."</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXXVIII.&mdash;A DOUBTFUL CREED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Judge Maule</span>, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant
+who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants,
+Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion&mdash;of <i>what</i> religion does
+not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of
+Christianity." Severe.</p>
+
+<h4>CDLXXXIX.&mdash;A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner
+tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating
+that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when
+the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco
+kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak'
+it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the
+ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting
+it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I
+think, mistress, <i>a cheese</i> in the ither en' wad mak' <i>a gran'
+balance</i>." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John
+Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXC.&mdash;GOOD RIDDANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of
+which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and,
+addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health,
+gentlemen all, of the <i>waiter</i> that called my Lord &mdash;&mdash; out of the
+room."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXCI.&mdash;CALCULATION.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Says</span> Giles, "My wife and I are <i>two</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Quoth Jack, "You're <i>ten</i>, if I speak true;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">She 's <i>one</i> and you're a <i>cipher</i>."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>CDXCII.&mdash;GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards
+filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom
+to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being
+present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to
+the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of
+dese, give me the man wid de <i>dying speech</i>," meaning Mr. Adams, who was
+then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the
+report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.</p>
+
+<h4>CDXCIII.&mdash;SLEEPING ROUND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it,
+John?"&mdash;"Very wet, sir."&mdash;"Any mullet in the market?"&mdash;"No,
+sir."&mdash;"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he
+composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the <i>ennui</i> of a dull day.</p>
+
+<h4>CDXCIV.&mdash;AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I suppose</span>," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that
+you think me a <i>humbug</i>?"&mdash;"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that
+you can <i>discover</i> a man's thoughts by your touch."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXCV.&mdash;NOT SO EASY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was
+advised by the Court not to <i>show temper</i>, but to <i>show cause</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>CDXCVI.&mdash;A POINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Pope</span> was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of
+literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found
+a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard
+their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the
+passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the
+young gentleman look at it." Upon which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> the officer took up the
+manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note
+of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the
+case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a <i>note of
+interrogation</i>?"&mdash;"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow,
+with a look of great contempt, "is a little <i>crooked thing</i> that asks
+questions."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXCVII.&mdash;THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth,"
+quoth the other, "because scholars are <i>so poor</i> that they have <i>not a
+sovereign</i> amongst them."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXCVIII.&mdash;CHALLENGING A JURY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant,
+was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom
+he objected, he might legally <i>challenge</i> them. "Faith, and so I will,"
+replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will <i>challenge</i> every man of
+them."</p>
+
+<h4>CDXCIX.&mdash;WALPOLIANA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father,
+they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"&mdash;"Well," replied the
+Bishop, "and what is that to you?"&mdash;"Nay, nothing; only if you had told
+me, I would have <i>powdered</i> my hair."</p>
+
+<p>A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a
+little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his
+mouth was <i>very sore</i>.</p>
+
+<p>After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd,
+whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and
+was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the <i>cambric bill</i>;"
+which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not <i>ruffled</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>D.&mdash;MINDING HIS BUSINESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Murphy</span> was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning:
+"Indeed, master, it's because of taking<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> your own advice, always to
+attind to what I'm about; so whenever I <i>sleeps</i>, I pays <i>attintion</i> to
+it."</p>
+
+<h4>DI.&mdash;PENCE TABLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A schoolboy</span> going into the village without leave, his master called
+after him, "Where are you going, sir?"&mdash;"I am going to buy a ha'porth of
+nails."&mdash;"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"&mdash;"For a
+<i>halfpenny</i>," replied the urchin.</p>
+
+<h4>DII.&mdash;SATISFACTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord William Poulat</span> was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The
+Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord
+William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a
+denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is
+to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"&mdash;"Oh! my Lord," said the
+person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me <i>you did
+not</i> write the book."</p>
+
+<h4>DIII.&mdash;A SAFE APPEAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span> once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any
+person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or
+neglect."&mdash;"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know,
+doctor, <i>dead</i> men tell no tales."</p>
+
+<h4>DIV.&mdash;A CAUTIOUS LOVER.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">When</span> I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and
+signed every letter to my love,&mdash;'Yours, without prejudice!'"&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>DV.&mdash;THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A wag</span>, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him
+what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a
+bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it,
+saying, "There, I give you the <i>scabbard</i> back again."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DVI.&mdash;TOUCHING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me
+his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like <i>a
+father</i>."&mdash;"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you
+like <i>a child</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DVII.&mdash;THE COLLEGE BELL!</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each
+gentleman should toast his favorite <i>Belle</i>. When it came to the turn of
+Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the <i>quorum</i>) to be called on for
+the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave,
+"The College Bell!" <i>Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri</i>!</p>
+
+<h4>DVIII.&mdash;FRENCH LANGUAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to
+Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of
+a language which has but one word for <i>liking</i> and <i>loving</i>, and puts a
+fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:&mdash;<i>J'aime Julie; J'aime un
+gigot</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DIX.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">He</span> says he don't think of himself,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And I'm to believe him inclined;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For by the confession, the elf<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Admits that he's <i>out</i> of his <i>mind</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DX.&mdash;CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
+and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys
+were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard
+the bell, boys; why did you not come?"&mdash;"Please, sir," said the
+favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the
+school-bell was the steamboat-bell."&mdash;"Very well," said the master, glad
+of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> to the
+other, "what have you to say?"&mdash;"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy,
+"<i>I&mdash;I&mdash;was waiting to see Tom off</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DXI.&mdash;ANTICIPATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Avondale</span>, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to
+anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through
+the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a
+calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed &mdash;&mdash;" "O, my
+goodness!&mdash;he killed <i>the child</i>!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord,
+<i>the calf</i>; but you will always anticipate."</p>
+
+<h4>DXII.&mdash;THE BEST JUDGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."&mdash;"No, I think not,"
+replied the husband.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them
+ought to know."</p>
+
+<h4>DXIII.&mdash;THE RIVALS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A good</span> story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs.
+The <i>dramatis person&aelig;</i> were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian,
+and an eminent French physician,&mdash;the historian and doctor being rivals
+in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of
+her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him,
+"<i>Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la
+gu&eacute;rirai</i>." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle,
+I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and
+looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "<i>Quand milady Elizabeth
+Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai</i>." [When my
+Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]</p>
+
+<h4>DXIV.&mdash;DEAD LANGUAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Among</span> the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who
+had previously filled the office of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a
+hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, <i>feu Lord
+Maire de Londres</i>," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having
+translated the word "late" into "<i>feu</i>," which we need hardly state
+means "dead."</p>
+
+<h4>DXV.&mdash;WALPOLIANA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir John Germain</span> was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy
+to Sir Matthew Decker, as the <i>author</i> of St. Matthew's Gospel.</p>
+
+<p>Churchill (General C&mdash;&mdash;, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked
+Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me,
+too?"&mdash;"No, Charles," replied he, "<i>you break</i> fast enough of yourself!"
+Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?</p>
+
+<p>Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity,
+Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything
+in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his
+collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his
+company; that he never heard so much <i>heathenish talk</i> in his days.
+Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said
+before him, <i>that the soul was only a little glue</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DXVI.&mdash;A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span>, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be
+let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next
+Sunday."&mdash;"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the
+archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, what became of you? we expected
+you to preach to-day."&mdash;"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my
+preaching to-day."&mdash;"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you
+<i>from</i> preaching."</p>
+
+<h4>DXVII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">They</span> say his <i>wit's refined</i>! Thus is explained<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The seeming mystery&mdash;<i>his wit is strained</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>DXVIII.&mdash;A NICE DISTINCTION.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">What</span> is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman
+he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems
+nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers
+were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a <i>form</i>,
+but you stand upon <i>ceremony</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXIX.&mdash;LATE DINNER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and
+later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till
+<i>to-morrow</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXX.&mdash;AN OLD JOKE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Alas!" cried the Fair on his left&mdash;"to what use?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For you never saw <i>either served up</i> with a goose!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DXXI.&mdash;TIME WORKS WONDERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far
+between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long
+time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman,
+"Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"&mdash;"Yes,
+sir."&mdash;"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how <i>you have grown</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DXXII.&mdash;A NOVEL IDEA.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Morrow's</span> Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a
+popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the
+piety of certain ladies here. They go to <i>Day</i> for a sermon and to
+<i>Morrow</i> for a novel!"</p>
+
+<h4>DXXIII.&mdash;THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> pleader referred
+in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said
+that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said
+that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well
+as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for
+the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a
+name by describing it as "an initial."&mdash;"Yes," retorted the judge, "but
+it does not aver that it is not a <i>final</i> as well as an <i>initial</i>
+letter."</p>
+
+<h4>DXXIV.&mdash;LOSING AN I.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much
+impropriety; and at last saying the word <i>curosity</i>, a counsellor
+exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"&mdash;"Nay,"
+returned another, "he has only knocked an <i>I</i> out."</p>
+
+<h4>DXXV.&mdash;DRIVING IT HOME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable
+man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still
+repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in
+truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a
+habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his
+clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case
+to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed,
+and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't
+<i>into</i> me, and ye're just duntin't <i>out o' me</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXXVI.&mdash;THE EMPTY GUN.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Don't <i>cock</i> your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Fear not&mdash;his head's not <i>charged</i>," a friend replies.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DXXVII.&mdash;A PIECE OF PLATE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening
+called him into the green-room, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> addressed him to this effect:
+"Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased
+me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your
+acceptance of a small <i>piece of plate</i>." It was, beyond all question, a
+<i>very</i> small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!</p>
+
+<h4>DXXVIII.&mdash;EPISCOPAL SAUCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host,
+"Mr. &mdash;&mdash;!" There was silence. "Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, what is the proper female
+companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an
+answer came, "<i>Anne Chovy</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXXIX.&mdash;A GOOD CRITIC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A friend</span> of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so
+much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have
+a master very difficult to please?"&mdash;"Who?"&mdash;"<i>Myself</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXXX.&mdash;WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Wilkes</span>, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked
+him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn
+was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied,
+with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of
+mine; the fellow was a <i>Wilkite</i>, which your Majesty knows <i>I never
+was</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXXXI.&mdash;A SLIGHT ERUPTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My
+lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"&mdash;"What has happened,
+man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken
+out."&mdash;"Where? where?"&mdash;"In the <i>Isle of Man</i>."&mdash;"In the Isle of Man,"
+repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"</p>
+
+<h4>DXXXII.&mdash;SMOKING AN M.P.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> honorable member, speaking about the tax on <i>tobacco</i>, somewhat
+ludicrously called for certain <i>returns</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DXXXIII.&mdash;A TIMELY REPROOF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord
+Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of
+to-day I never heard before."&mdash;"O, my lord!" said the flattered
+chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said
+anything new on the subject."&mdash;"I heard the clock <i>strike twice</i>," said
+Lord Mulgrave.</p>
+
+<h4>DXXXIV.&mdash;REPROOF.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I can't</span> find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor
+I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to <i>work</i> for it."</p>
+
+<h4>DXXXV.&mdash;A SATISFACTORY REASON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Alexander</span>, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of
+Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards
+Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony.
+"You are a builder, I believe?"&mdash;"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an
+architect!"&mdash;"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they
+are much the same, I suppose?"&mdash;"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit
+that: I consider them to be totally different!"&mdash;"O, indeed! perhaps you
+will state wherein this great difference consists?"&mdash;"An architect, sir,
+prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the
+specifications,&mdash;in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the
+bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,&mdash;the
+architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it
+going!"&mdash;"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your
+very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform
+the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"&mdash;"There was
+<i>no</i> architect, sir, and hence <i>the confusion</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DXXXVI.&mdash;THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A Bermondsey</span> tanner would often engage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In a long <i>t&ecirc;te-&agrave;-t&ecirc;te</i> with his dame,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">About giving their villa a name.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Stole out, half an hour after dark,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And wrote on the palings,&mdash;"<i>Hide</i> Park!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DXXXVII.&mdash;AN ABSENT MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A conceited</span> young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not
+being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O,
+my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not
+<i>missed</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXXXVIII.&mdash;A DOUBLE KNOCK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> Dr. K&mdash;&mdash;'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in
+some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish
+government will not be able to stand many more such <i>Knocks Down</i> as
+this!"</p>
+
+<h4>DXXXIX.&mdash;A PROPER RETORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to
+Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B&mdash;&mdash;, who is not such a fool
+as he looks."&mdash;"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great
+<i>difference</i> between me and my friend."</p>
+
+<h4>DXL.&mdash;FORAGING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers
+were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it
+was said to be part of the stage directions,&mdash;"<i>Enter</i> the Red Coat:
+<i>Exeunt</i> Hat and Cloak."</p>
+
+<h4>DXLI.&mdash;ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He happened to tread on a very small pig:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For surely thou art an <i>abridgment of Bacon</i>."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>DXLII.&mdash;UNKIND.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Pray</span>, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age
+I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her
+ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question
+again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of <i>discretion</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXLIII.&mdash;DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of
+Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, <i>Non rapui sed
+recepi</i> ["I did not <i>steal</i> it, but I <i>received</i> it"]. This being shown
+to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The <i>receiver</i> is as
+bad as the <i>thief</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXLIV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On &mdash;&mdash;'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> really &mdash;&mdash; do but loathe<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Things base or mean, I must confess<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'd very freely take my oath,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Self-love's a fault he don't possess.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DXLV.&mdash;ELOQUENT SILENCE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> have already read that section four times, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," said Maule to
+a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's &mdash;&mdash;, I use no <i>epithet</i>, it is
+iteration;" his look implying <i>the anathema</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DXLVI.&mdash;KEEPING A PROMISE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Thus</span>, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I know thy fortune is but very scant,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But never will I see my friend in want."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He kept his word,&mdash;in want he ne'er would see him!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DXLVII.&mdash;NAVAL ORATORY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> mutiny broke out in the
+ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men
+signed <i>a round robin</i>, wherein they declared that they would not fire a
+gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this
+declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed
+them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as
+to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:&mdash;I'll clap you alongside
+the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil
+himself will not be able to <i>keep you from it</i>." The men all returned to
+their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten
+times over.</p>
+
+<h4>DXLVIII.&mdash;VERSE AND WORSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Among</span> a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles,
+it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him
+that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing.
+Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At
+length the <i>wittiest</i> among them thus ended the contest:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Excuse me, if I just step home;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Two lines already!&mdash;be not cru'l,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Consider, honeys,&mdash;I'm a fool.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There's four lines!&mdash;now I'll gain the fowls,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DXLIX.&mdash;THE IRON DUKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at
+Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to
+receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a
+<i>sovereign</i>, which he probably would have done had he at the time
+refused to take <i>no change</i>. The Reform Bill was under consideration.</p>
+
+<h4>DL.&mdash;CLEAR THE COURT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so
+by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye <i>blackguards</i> that isn't
+<i>lawyers</i>, must lave the coort."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DLI&mdash;SCOTCH CAUTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who
+was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I
+hae been a gude wife to you, John."&mdash;"O, just middling, just middling,
+Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye
+maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my
+mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke
+o' Glasgow."&mdash;"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly,
+"we'll just pit you in the Gorbals <i>first</i>, and gin ye dinna lie quiet,
+we'll try you sine in Stra'von."</p>
+
+<h4>DLII.&mdash;WALPOLIANA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Charles Wager</span> always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days,
+he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no
+other nation would stand <i>beating</i> for two days together."</p>
+
+<p>Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when
+Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his
+usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost;
+he asked whether the copy had been taken <i>before</i> the original was lost,
+or <i>after</i>!</p>
+
+<p>This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves
+so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an
+<i>oyster</i> speak as well twenty times."</p>
+
+<h4>DLIII.&mdash;NOT POLITE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. P&mdash;&mdash;</span>, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want
+of <i>head</i>, by demanding a <i>poll</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DLIV.&mdash;EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A case</span> of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a
+great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that
+he was <i>drunk</i> when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord
+Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> a thing when he was
+drunk, what might he not have done when he was <i>sober</i>?" evidently
+implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful
+one, was a condition of intoxication.</p>
+
+<h4>DLV.&mdash;ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">This</span> case is the strangest we've known in our life,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DLVI.&mdash;CONFIDENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to
+him:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Jerrold.</i>&mdash;"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."</p>
+
+<h4>DLVII.&mdash;LADY ANNE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Portsmouth, during the representation of <i>Richard the Third</i>, on
+Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here,"
+Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they
+were <i>battle-axes</i> (basilisks) to strike <i>thee dead</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DLVIII.&mdash;NICE LANGUAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had
+been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the
+witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing
+<i>bowels</i>?"&mdash;"Yes, sir."&mdash;"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"&mdash;"Yes,
+sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it <i>a wren's</i>
+stomach?"</p>
+
+<h4>DLIX.&mdash;UNPOETICAL REPLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A hardy</span> seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our
+coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over
+him. He replied, "<i>Wet</i>, ma'am,&mdash;<i>very wet</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DLX.&mdash;IMITATION OF A COW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. James Boswell</span>, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a
+youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr.
+Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal
+cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was
+complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to
+imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious
+for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would
+confine myself to <i>the cow</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXI.&mdash;TAKING HIS MEASURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A conceited</span> packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in
+order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his
+southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big
+places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude
+wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"&mdash;"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for
+we aye think the <i>selvidge</i> is the wakest bit o' the wab!"</p>
+
+<h4>DLXII.&mdash;THURLOW AND PITT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly
+terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how
+Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he
+<i>draws</i>, but he has not refused <i>his oats</i> yet."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On Lord &mdash;&mdash;'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to
+excessive gout.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> asserting that Z. is with villany rife,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Since <i>two</i> members <i>attached to his person through life</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Have, on recent occasions, <i>refused to support him</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DLXIV.&mdash;A HAPPY MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord M&mdash;&mdash;</span> had a very exalted opinion of his own<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> cleverness, and once
+made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish
+thing, I always burst out a laughing!"&mdash;"I envy you your happiness, my
+lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the
+<i>merriest</i> life of any man in Europe."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXV.&mdash;VULGAR ARGUMENTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a
+friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing
+noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the
+Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table,
+and roared at his adversary:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"</p>
+
+<p>The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere
+lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"</p>
+
+<p>Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung
+the bell, and shouted:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Waiter, <i>spittoons for two</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DLXVI.&mdash;A CLEAR CASE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Justice Maule</span> would occasionally tax the powers of country juries.
+<i>Ex. gr.</i> "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly
+right in his law, there is <i>some</i> evidence upon that point; but he's a
+lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by <i>some</i>
+evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of
+exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six
+others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others
+knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the
+other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the
+defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he
+rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be <i>some</i>
+evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. &mdash;&mdash; means in this case."
+Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DLXVII.&mdash;THE LATIN FOR COLD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A schoolmaster</span> asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was
+the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment,
+although I have it at my <i>fingers' ends</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXVIII.&mdash;PIECE DE RESISTANCE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Do</span> come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have
+only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."&mdash;"O my dear
+fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very
+same I should have had at home, <i>barrin' the beef</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXIX.&mdash;LAMB AND ERSKINE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor Lamb</span>, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his
+reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his
+pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when
+opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt
+himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."&mdash;"No wonder,"
+replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a <i>lamb</i>
+grows, the more <i>sheepish</i> he becomes."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXX.&mdash;TRUE WIT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">True</span> wit is like the brilliant stone<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Dug from Golconda's mine;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which boasts two various powers in one,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To cut as well as shine.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Genius, like that, if polished right,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With the same gifts abounds;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Appears at once both keen and bright,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And sparkles while it wounds.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DLXXI.&mdash;ORDER! ORDER!</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A barrister</span> opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule
+interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, you would put your facts in some
+order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any
+order you like&mdash;<i>alphabetical</i> order."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DLXXII.&mdash;THEATRICAL WIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hatton</span>, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and
+particularly in the part of <i>Jack Junk</i>, was one night at Gosport,
+performing the character of <i>Barbarossa</i>. In the scene where the tyrant
+makes love to <i>Zapphira</i>, and reminds her of his services against the
+enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word
+from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and
+regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy
+of tragedy&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i12">"Did not I,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From Egypt's shores?"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the
+actor with three rounds of applause.</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXIII.&mdash;THE CUT DIRECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator
+"how he would have it done?"&mdash;"If possible," replied the gentleman, "<i>in
+silence</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXIV.&mdash;BUSY BODIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A master</span> of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will,
+sir."&mdash;"What are you doing?"&mdash;"Nothing, sir."&mdash;"Is Tom there?"&mdash;"Yes,"
+said Tom. "What are <i>you</i> doing?"&mdash;"Helping Will, sir."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXV.&mdash;THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith
+took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several
+parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to
+hear the representative of <i>Young Marlow</i> play it as an Irishman. As
+soon as <i>Marlow</i> came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of
+this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir,"
+replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in
+which you instructed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> me, except that I did not give it quite so strong
+a <i>brogue</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXVI.&mdash;THE FORCE OF HABIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A toping</span> bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W.
+Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How
+will you have it?" replied, "<i>Cold, without sugar</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXVII.&mdash;NOTICE TO QUIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed
+time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out
+to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on
+the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound.
+"Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift <i>their
+quarters</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXVIII.&mdash;A LITERAL JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Eldon</span> always pronounced the word <i>lien</i> as though it were <i>lyon</i>;
+and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word <i>lean</i>. On this Jekyll
+wrote the following epigram:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By saying the Chancellor's <i>lion</i> is <i>lean</i>?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That nothing within it will ever get fat?"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DLXXIX.&mdash;AN ARGUMENT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Says</span> P&mdash;l&mdash;s, "Why the Bishops are<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By nature meant the <i>soil</i> to share,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I'll quickly make you understand;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For can we not deduct with ease,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That nature has designed the <i>seas</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Expressly to <i>divide the land</i>?"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DLXXX.&mdash;THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the
+University of Cambridge, he was called<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> in, in a case of some
+difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his
+opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had
+previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend
+into the patient's stomach with a <i>candle and lantern</i>, when he ascended
+he would not be able to name the complaint."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXXI.&mdash;ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">King Henry VIII.</span>, designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very
+dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying,
+"Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go
+near to cost him his life."&mdash;"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French
+king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen
+Frenchmen now in my power."&mdash;"But of all these heads," replied the
+nobleman, "there may not be <i>one to fit</i> my shoulders."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXXII.&mdash;KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to
+articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at
+this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two
+universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which
+was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself,
+saying, "He could not <i>afford</i> to keep a conscience."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXXIII.&mdash;DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A tradesman</span> having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last
+desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to
+him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard
+for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall
+never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business,
+and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a
+set of vagabonds, for whom <i>I have no affection</i>, and they may waste
+their time as they please."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DLXXXIV.&mdash;PORTMANTEAU <i>v.</i> TRUNK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Serjeant Whitaker</span>, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an
+eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and
+the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm.
+"Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At
+first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting
+that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it
+<i>did every bit</i> as well."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXXV.&mdash;SEEING A CORONATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A sad</span> mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated
+Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst
+he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of
+Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly
+pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner,
+indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this
+<i>t&ecirc;te-&agrave;-t&ecirc;te</i> the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen
+everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I
+do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so
+greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he
+eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless
+duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till
+the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression
+replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have
+<i>your wish</i>." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXXVI.&mdash;HOOK'S POLITENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hook</span> was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin
+in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one
+else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the &eacute;pergne, and bow
+to the flowers."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DLXXXVII.&mdash;ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT <span class="smcap">Boulogne</span> TURNED, BY DESIGN OR
+ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Upon</span> its lofty column's stand<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Napoleon takes his place:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His back still turned upon that land<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That never saw his face.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DLXXXVIII.&mdash;OLD TIMES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He
+wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile,
+replied, "Look among <i>the robberies</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DLXXXIX.&mdash;AN ARCADIAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lazy</span> fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this
+was called <i>work</i>, and well paid!"</p>
+
+<h4>DXC.&mdash;JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain
+for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great
+politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank,
+his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see,
+madam, wherever <i>you</i> go there are <i>no seats</i> to be got."</p>
+
+<h4>DXCI.&mdash;ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">We</span> row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold.
+This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only.
+Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we <i>do</i> row in the same boat,
+but with very different skulls."</p>
+
+<h4>DXCII.&mdash;A GENUINE IRISH BULL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Boyle Roche</span> said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the
+greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much
+greater."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DXCIII.&mdash;THE RULING PASSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an
+appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called
+in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket,
+doctor?" groaned out poor George.</p>
+
+<h4>DXCIV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On &mdash;&mdash;'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Lord &mdash;&mdash;'s</span> left his circuit for a day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Which is to me a mystery profound;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He leaves the <i>circuit</i>! he, of whom they say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That he delights in constant <i>turning round</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DXCV.&mdash;SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dignum</span> and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met
+them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those
+men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's
+comedy, <i>Measure for Measure</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DXCVI.&mdash;DEGENERACY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord
+Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up
+stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at
+their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were
+walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants
+were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare
+cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their
+<i>ain feet</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DXCVII.&mdash;WORTHY OF CREDIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The
+gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."&mdash;"Please your
+honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the <i>credit</i> I give in that way."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DXCVIII.&mdash;PAYING IN KIND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A farmer</span>, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the
+prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After
+he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed,
+as I have some like them in my yard."&mdash;"That's very likely," said the
+farmer; "these are not the <i>only ducks</i> of the same sort I've had stolen
+lately."</p>
+
+<h4>DXCIX.&mdash;VERY SERIOUS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A regular</span> physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at
+being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling,
+neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by
+mistake, taken some of my <span class="smcap">own pills</span>."</p>
+
+<h4>DC.&mdash;THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Philip Thicknesse</span>, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of
+money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he
+immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's
+house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters,
+"Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip
+Thicknesse, <i>father</i> of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and
+the board was removed.</p>
+
+<h4>DCI.&mdash;DELICATE HINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Queen Caroline</span>, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters,
+says, "<i>My better half</i>, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I
+hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."</p>
+
+<h4>DCII.&mdash;A SCOTCH MEDIUM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">After</span> giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister
+sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been
+'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."&mdash;"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy,
+with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown
+eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a
+smell o' speerits <i>amang us</i> this mornin'!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A watch</span> lost in a tavern! That's a crime;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then see how men by drinking lose their time.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The watch kept time; and if time will away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I see no reason why the watch should stay.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCIV.&mdash;PERFECT DISCONTENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy
+depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang
+it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she
+wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."</p>
+
+<h4>DCV.&mdash;A BAD BARGAIN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be
+in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding
+payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I
+should be <i>in your debt</i> for the <i>remainder</i>; how can that be if I <i>pay</i>
+it?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCVI.&mdash;A PIOUS MINISTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">If</span> it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example
+to their inferiors, the E&mdash;&mdash; of R&mdash;&mdash;, in his observance of one of the
+commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the
+Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do
+<i>no manner of work</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCVII.&mdash;STERNE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to
+physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne;
+"but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not
+deal in <i>scruples</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCVIII.&mdash;WHO'S THE FOOL?</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Sergeant Parry</span>, in illustration of a case, told the following
+anecdote:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale
+several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he,
+moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for
+him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make
+out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his
+Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied,
+"Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who
+will never come back."&mdash;"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"&mdash;"Then
+I shall erase <i>your</i> name and insert <i>theirs</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCIX.&mdash;COLD COMFORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A juryman</span>, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the
+judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O,
+tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go
+before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."</p>
+
+<h4>DCX.&mdash;A GREAT DIFFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided
+into two very distinct classes,&mdash;the a-bility and the no-bility."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXI.&mdash;OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">King James</span> had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the
+other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called <i>Ignoramus</i>, an ingenious
+thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford
+was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made
+his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one <i>Sleep</i> made him
+<i>wake</i>, and in Oxford one <i>Wake</i> made him <i>sleep</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXII.&mdash;INQUEST&mdash;NOT EXTRAORDINARY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Great</span> Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">A jury sat, and found the verdict plain&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"She died of <i>milk and water on the brain</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCXIII.&mdash;STRANGE JETSUM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A thin</span> old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of
+small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of
+such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he
+supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking
+voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was <i>wrecked</i> hereabout
+somewhere."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXIV.&mdash;THE TRUTH AT LAST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A good</span> instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival
+paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at
+Wit."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXV.&mdash;A PILL GRATIS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance,
+said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."&mdash;"Very likely," remarked
+his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to <i>employ you</i> in that
+capacity?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCXVI.&mdash;RATHER HARD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">We</span> are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large
+mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have
+found it <i>hard</i> to have been assailed with his <i>own constituents</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXVII.&mdash;SCOTCH PENETRATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great
+Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by
+the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the
+authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my
+<i>ain</i> groats in ither folk's kail?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCXVIII.&mdash;A QUESTION OF TIME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> of Canterbury, he
+was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present
+employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will <i>excuse</i> me this
+<i>fault</i>, I promise, if I live, to mend it."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXIX.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;'s</span> discourses from his <i>heart</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Proceed, as everybody owns;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And thus they prove the poet's art,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Who says that "sermons are in <i>stones</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCXX.&mdash;CONCURRENT EVENTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that
+he had <i>lost</i> all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time,
+sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I <i>lost</i> all my large estate in
+Yorkshire."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXI.&mdash;A GOOD EXCUSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally
+in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had
+taken <i>all</i> the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXII.&mdash;SHORT AND SHARP.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Why</span>, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company
+with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not
+see you before."</p>
+
+<p>"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among
+six copper pennies,&mdash;not easily perceived, but worth the <i>whole</i> of
+them."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXIII.&mdash;IRELAND'S FORGERY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Says</span> Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The <i>Lie of the Day</i>!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we <i>act the same</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But to cozen the town we adopt a <i>new name</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For that <i>Vortigern's</i> Shakespeare's we some of us say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which you very well know is a <i>lie</i> of the day."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>DCXXIV.&mdash;A GOOD ONE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lamb</span> and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's
+early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and
+Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he
+paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"&mdash;"I
+<i>never</i> heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXV.&mdash;"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to <i>ignore</i> a bill.
+"Write <i>Ignoramus for self and fellows</i> on the back of it," said Curran.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXVI.&mdash;A WORD TO THE WISE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Balguy</span>, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an
+excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All
+wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr.
+Wharton, then at Winchester school:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCXXVII.&mdash;LIBERAL GIFT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A comedian</span> at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had
+met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards
+he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he
+returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me
+something?"&mdash;"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I <i>give</i>
+you the <i>hint</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXVIII.&mdash;EASILY ANSWERED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox
+twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXIX.&mdash;ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> Dido mourned, &AElig;neas would not come,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She wept in silence, and was <i>Di-Do-Dumb</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>DCXXX.&mdash;DODGING A CREDITOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A creditor</span>, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of
+Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose
+his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said
+Sheridan. "Do you think so?"&mdash;"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The
+creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted
+round the corner, and was <i>out of sight</i> in a moment.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXXI.&mdash;BAD HABIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Frederick Flood</span> had a droll habit, of which he could never
+effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or
+suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a
+moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion <i>literatim</i>. Sir
+Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding
+the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for
+extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the
+disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that
+the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the
+Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting
+behind him, jocularly whispered, "<i>and be whipped at the cart's
+tail</i>."&mdash;"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick
+unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXXII.&mdash;WHO'S TO BLAME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">King James</span> used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in
+a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who
+was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir,
+whose <i>fault</i> is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXXIII.&mdash;THE LETTER H.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir James Scarlett</span>, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness
+whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be
+bothered a little, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> his only vulnerable point was said to be his
+self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,&mdash;a portly,
+overdressed person,&mdash;and Scarlett took him in hand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> You are a stock-broker?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> I <i>ham</i>!</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And
+a very fine, well-dressed <i>ham</i> you are, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the
+witness, and the counsel's point was gained.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXXIV.&mdash;TRUTH AND RHYME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to
+respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the
+bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow
+(who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton)
+had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the
+bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said
+to Barrow,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Quid est fides</i>?" (What is faith?)</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Quod non vides</i>" (What thou dost not see),</p>
+
+<p>answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little
+vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Quid est spes</i>?" (What is hope?)</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Magna res</i>" (A great thing),</p>
+
+<p>replied the young candidate in the same breath.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Quid est charitas</i>?" (What is charity?)</p>
+
+<p>was the next question.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Magna raritas</i>" (A great rarity),</p>
+
+<p>was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a
+precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the
+bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give
+rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he
+believed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow,
+Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of
+the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he
+is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to <i>examine us than
+we him</i>." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXXV.&mdash;A GOOD TRANSLATION.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Pistor</span> erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Thus translated&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCXXXVI.&mdash;MAD QUAKERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A mad</span> Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of
+greater importance than any <i>other</i> mad person of the same degree in
+life.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXXVII.&mdash;BACON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A malefactor</span>, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to
+him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a <i>reprieve</i>.
+To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be
+<i>Bacon</i> till he had first been <i>hung</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXXXVIII.&mdash;A LETTER WANTING.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Said</span> vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCXXXIX.&mdash;ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to
+see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the
+shutters before there is something in the window."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCXL.&mdash;A PROMISE TO PAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Joe Haines</span> was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his
+acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l.,
+as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe,
+"here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak
+to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they
+might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe
+went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His
+lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My
+lord, here are two men who have such great <i>scruples of conscience</i>,
+that I fear they'll hang themselves."&mdash;"Very well," said the bishop; so,
+calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow
+morning, and <i>I will satisfy you</i>." The men bowed, and went away
+pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt
+and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his
+lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of
+conscience?"&mdash;"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have <i>no scruples</i>. We
+are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines,
+for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us
+to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed
+were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXLI.&mdash;PUNCTUATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it
+was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should
+not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no <i>periods</i> to
+their works."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXLII.&mdash;CON-CIDER-ATE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Bottetot</span>, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax,
+in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he
+stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said,
+"Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not
+let me linger; I see you have <i>not faggots enough</i>." This<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> good-humored
+speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXLIII.&mdash;FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of
+the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced
+to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXLIV.&mdash;A-LIQUID.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Porson</span>, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a
+loss for <i>something</i> to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass
+mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another,
+without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he
+inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only <i>a-liquid</i>!"
+answered Porson.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXLV.&mdash;TOP AND BOTTOM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table
+between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street,
+Strand, where he resided:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>J.S.</i>&mdash;"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And ten dark coal barges are moored:<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For there's <i>craft</i> in the river, and <i>craft</i> in the street."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>Sir G.R.</i>&mdash;"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">For the attorneys are <i>just</i> at the top of the street,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">And the barges are <i>just</i> at the bottom."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCXLVI.&mdash;A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In
+the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's
+foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send
+the little<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied,
+"and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,&mdash;'When
+this you see, remember me.'"</p>
+
+<h4>DCXLVII.&mdash;A NEW DISGUISE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On
+a masquerade night, he asked Foote what <i>new</i> character he should go in.
+"Go sober!" said Foote.</p>
+
+<h4>DCXLVIII.&mdash;WET AND DRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Macknight</span>, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been
+caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the
+time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and
+ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm
+dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr.
+Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be <i>dry
+eneuch</i> when ye get into the <i>pu'pit</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXLIX.&mdash;RUM AND WATER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society,
+being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly
+answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, I canna' say I'm very fond
+of rum; for if I tak' mair than <i>six</i> tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me
+a headache."</p>
+
+<h4>DCL.&mdash;A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Perhaps</span> the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all
+nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if
+by common consent, is the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir &mdash;&mdash;, an Irish
+Member of Parliament, to his friend in London.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">My dear Sir</span>,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the
+dreadful bustle and confusion we are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> in from these blood-thirsty
+rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are
+in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except
+whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both
+hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a
+pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be
+the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At
+present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I
+should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive
+it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being
+robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from
+Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left
+behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but
+two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last
+Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under
+the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except
+bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and
+children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little;
+we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face,
+but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed,
+we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns,
+except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets
+and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them
+escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a
+very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms
+were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to
+rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found
+was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water,
+and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops
+are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my
+ideas.</p>
+
+<p>I have only time to add that I am in great haste.</p>
+
+<p class="right">Yours truly,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />
+&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried,
+therefore I beg you will write to let me know.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCLI.&mdash;IMPROMPTU.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall
+of Sparta.")</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">So</span> great thy art, that while we viewed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We caught the Spartan fortitude,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And saw their woes without <i>a tear</i>!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCLII.&mdash;WILKES AND A LIBERTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">So</span> ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of
+the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a
+mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his
+boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door,
+"Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLIII.&mdash;A STRANGE OBJECTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A great</span> drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert.
+"Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my <i>wine in
+pills</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCLIV.&mdash;THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It's</span> a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant,
+doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon
+us!&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLV.&mdash;MAKING A CLEARANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the <i>bowl</i> to be
+introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a
+toast, "The trade of Glasgow and <i>the outward bound</i>;" the hint was
+taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLVI.&mdash;A SMART ONE-POUNDER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">While</span> the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre,
+in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of <i>Polly</i>, expressed a
+wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher;
+to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must
+sing, 'The Miser thus a <i>Guinea</i> sees.'"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCLVII.&mdash;RESIGNATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he
+came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command
+success, We'll do more, Sempronius&mdash;we'll deserve it," heaved a deep
+sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more,
+Sempronius,&mdash;we'll do <i>without</i> it."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLVIII.&mdash;DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Delpini</span> had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the
+Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre
+in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his
+Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre
+Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre
+Delpini, I must go to your <i>papa's</i> bench."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLIX.&mdash;A PHONETIC JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A little</span> girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &amp;c.,
+having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical
+acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating
+him to <i>Zeidlitz</i> powders.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLX.&mdash;PURE FOLKS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Very</span> pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty
+bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXI.&mdash;GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">We</span> have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the
+following piece of intelligence: "<i>Yarn</i> has risen one farthing a
+pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.&mdash;G. a'B.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXII.&mdash;JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Westmacott</span>, of the <i>Age</i> paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well
+thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice
+done him, a person<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> present remarked, "That has been done <i>already</i>." A
+similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXIII.&mdash;KITCHENER AND COLMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> most celebrated wits and <i>bon vivants</i> of the day graced the
+dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, <i>inter alia</i>, the late
+George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a
+little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to
+be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be
+forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom
+permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at
+eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's
+attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment,
+"Come at seven, <i>go it</i> at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret
+was punished accordingly.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXIV.&mdash;A SPARE MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without
+the head or the point."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXV.&mdash;A LONG BILL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when
+Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the
+comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It
+should have been Woodcock, <i>by the length of your bill</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXVI.&mdash;ROYAL PUN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit,
+his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to
+William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and
+affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the
+newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at <i>the main</i>, Admiral!
+white at <i>the main</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXVII.&mdash;A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> silly brothers, twins, who were very much about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> town in Theodore
+Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as
+to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating
+upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said
+Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as
+like as <i>two peas</i>."&mdash;"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as <i>green</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXVIII.&mdash;SPRANGER BARRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">This</span> celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of
+<i>Romeo</i>, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome
+and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he
+attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his
+part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of
+the public by performing <i>Romeo</i> himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the
+natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have
+willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been
+a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when <i>Juliet</i> in
+soliloquy exclaims, "<i>O Romeo, Romeo</i>, wherefore art thou <i>Romeo</i>?" an
+auditor archly replied, aloud, "<i>Because Barry has gone to the other
+house</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXIX.&mdash;BAD SPORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Hare</span>, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house
+with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from
+bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed
+two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you <i>Fox</i>
+hunting, or <i>Hare</i> hunting this morning?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXX.&mdash;MEASURE FOR MEASURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> amiable Mrs. W&mdash;&mdash; always insists that her friends who take grog
+shall mix <i>equal</i> quantities of spirits and water, though she never
+observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a
+glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it <i>As
+you like it</i>?"&mdash;"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is <i>Measure for
+Measure</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXI.&mdash;A PROBABILITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jonathan</span> and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they
+came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state
+now-a-days&mdash;an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the
+idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see
+<i>that</i>, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just
+mentioned; "and now where would <i>you</i> be if the gallows had its
+due?"&mdash;"Riding <i>alone</i>," coolly replied Paddy.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXII.&mdash;LEGAL ADULTERATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Several</span> publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to
+renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one
+of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any
+pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately
+replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into
+our barrels that I know of, but the <i>exciseman's stick</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXIII.&mdash;VOX ET PR&AElig;TEREA NIHIL.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">I wonder</span> if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Said a punster perusing a trial;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He's been <i>Vaux et pr&aelig;terea nihil</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCLXXIV.&mdash;SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A sexton</span> in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight
+people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb
+remarked that they must have been very <i>sharp set</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXV.&mdash;AN ACT OF JUSTICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Barton</span>, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two
+heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the
+publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor,
+are you not a justice of the peace?"&mdash;"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said
+Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the <i>house of correction</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXVI.&mdash;LISTON'S DREAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet to show a celestial to kindness so prone is,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll <i>starve me</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCLXXVII.&mdash;A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A well-known</span> lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any
+book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when
+speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it
+poured forth <i>volumes</i> of smoke! <i>Volumes</i>, did I say? Whole
+<i>encyclop&aelig;dias</i>!" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two
+<i>mandami</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXVIII.&mdash;A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Douglas Jerrold</span>, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question
+of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted
+upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do
+you remember my Baroness in <i>Ask no Questions</i>?" said Mr. S. "Yes,
+indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck
+by your <i>barrenness</i>," was the retort.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXIX.&mdash;LOVE AND HYMEN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hymen</span> comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXX.&mdash;PAR NOBILE FRATRUM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A former</span> laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He
+had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his
+silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one
+occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament
+called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> with much
+eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles,
+without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked
+across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy
+chiel'll no <i>tell muckle</i> that you and I <i>said</i> till him."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXXI.&mdash;PLAIN LANGUAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. John Clerk</span>, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened
+to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;"
+upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr.
+Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain
+<i>common sense</i>, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll
+ken."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXXII.&mdash;A SETTLER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A farmer</span>, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death
+with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he
+put a poser&mdash;"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"&mdash;"Why that, sir,"
+stammered out Lamb, "will <i>depend</i> upon the boiled legs of mutton."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXXIII.&mdash;CASH PAYMENTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Peterson</span> the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he
+made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said,
+"Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson
+good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it
+be as like <i>two shillings</i> as you can."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXXIV.&mdash;LAWYER'S HOUSE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> lawyer's house, if I have rightly read,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is built upon the fool or madman's head.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCLXXXV.&mdash;A REASONABLE DEMAND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colonel B&mdash;&mdash;</span> was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the
+playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into
+it, a friend, who was stepping<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> into his chariot, called out to him,
+"B&mdash;&mdash;, I go by your door, and will set you down." B&mdash;&mdash; gave the
+chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head,
+and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you
+scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"&mdash;"But consider the fright
+your honor put us into," replied Pat,&mdash;"<i>consider the fright</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXXVI.&mdash;EBENEZER ADAMS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">This</span> celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six
+months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with
+black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great
+solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So
+friend, I see that thou hast not yet <i>forgiven</i> God Almighty." This
+seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was
+addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and
+went about her necessary business and avocations.</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXXVII.&mdash;ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she,
+"thee must not do it."&mdash;"O, <i>by Jove!</i> but I must," said the youth.
+"Well, friend, as thee hast <i>sworn</i>, thee may do it, but thee must not
+make a practice of it."</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXXVIII.&mdash;A FIG FOR THE GROCER!</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St.
+Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man,
+addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at
+this momentous epoch of your life."&mdash;"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I
+want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to
+be off!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCLXXXIX.&mdash;STEAM-BOAT RACING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Charles Lyell</span>, when in the United States, received the following
+advice from a friend: "When<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> you are racing with an opposition
+steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the
+captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his
+weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time,
+especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the
+resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid
+their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons
+without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why
+to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat,
+and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have
+not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the
+rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard
+during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger
+overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives
+an answer in the affirmative, he will call out '<i>Go ahead</i>!'"</p>
+
+<h4>DCXC.&mdash;GENTLY, JEMMY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir James Mackintosh</span> invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The
+horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate
+him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let
+me down, Jemmy." Once on <i>terra-firma</i>, the doctor's view of the case
+was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better
+of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave
+you to manage him&mdash;<i>I'll walk back</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXCI.&mdash;WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Longfellow</span>, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one
+noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said
+the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,&mdash;'<i>Worth</i>
+makes the man, the want of it the <i>fellow</i>.'"</p>
+
+<h4>DCXCII.&mdash;QUIET THEFT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A saddle</span> being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that
+nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a
+<i>mute</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCXCIII.&mdash;GOOD ADVICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college)
+being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a
+broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?"
+After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the
+owner <i>to sell</i> as soon as possible."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXCIV.&mdash;CRITICISING A STATUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its
+verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the
+smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster
+Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is
+colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so
+<i>large</i> a man."&mdash;"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so <i>green</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXCV.&mdash;A COMPARISON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had
+been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive
+evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"&mdash;"I saw a stone, and I'ze
+pretty sure the defendant throwed it."</p>
+
+<p>"Was it a large stone?"&mdash;"I should say it wur a largish stone."</p>
+
+<p>"What was its size?"&mdash;"I should say a sizeable stone."</p>
+
+<p>"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"&mdash;"I should say it wur a
+stone of some bigness."</p>
+
+<p>"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"&mdash;"Why, as near as I
+recollect, it wur something of a stone."</p>
+
+<p>"Can't you compare it to some other object?"&mdash;"Why, if I wur to compare
+it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large
+as a lump o' chalk!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCXCVI.&mdash;FATIGUE DUTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> reverend gentleman in the country was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> complaining to another
+that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other,
+"I preach twice every Sunday, and <i>make nothing</i> of it."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXCVII.&mdash;GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Stephen Kemble</span> (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the
+Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose,
+Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which
+of us two do you think they will eat first?"&mdash;"Those that are
+<i>gluttons</i>," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of <i>me</i>,
+but the <i>epicures</i> will attack you!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCXCVIII.&mdash;A BAD END.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been
+drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own <i>watery
+bier</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCXCIX.&mdash;ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS), WHICH
+SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">This</span> name's the best that could be given,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As will by proof be quickly seen;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">She was, of course, the <i>raining Queen</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCC.&mdash;ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive
+picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear
+friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do
+not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase
+at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this
+matter is evident&mdash;they never considered the temper of the people they
+had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an
+avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young
+rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I
+pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> therefore my
+administration has been attended with a different effect."</p>
+
+<p>"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty
+of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one
+night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand,
+and <i>up starts</i> a patriot."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCI.&mdash;BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was
+so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so
+much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to
+get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and
+for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and
+accost him with "Have you read my book?"&mdash;"Yes, &mdash;&mdash; you!" replied Lord
+Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not <i>help myself</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCII.&mdash;VERY LIKE A WHALE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> first of all the royal infant males<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Should take the title of the Prince of <i>Wales</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Babies and <i>whales</i> are both inclined to <i>blubber</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCIII.&mdash;A NEW SIGN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A drunken</span> fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign
+was. He answered, that it was <i>a sign</i> he was drunk.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCIV.&mdash;FALSE QUANTITIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the
+outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCV.&mdash;NOT TRUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr.
+&mdash;&mdash;, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well,"
+replied the lady, "if he is very much <i>unlike</i> other men, he is more
+likely to make a good husband."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCVI.&mdash;BETTING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> folly of <i>betting</i> is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters:
+"Sept. 1st, 1750,&mdash;They have put in the papers a good story made at
+White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the
+club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they
+were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said
+it would affect the fairness of the bet."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCVII.&mdash;FIRE AND WATER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Paddy</span> being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own
+part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of
+attempting to light a cigar at <i>a pump</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCVIII.&mdash;THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Though</span> a railroad, learned Rector,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Passes near your parish spire;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">E'er will overwhelmed expire.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Put not then your hopes in weepers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Solid work my road secures;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Preach whate'er you will&mdash;<i>my</i> sleepers<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Never will awaken <i>yours</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the
+<i>last ever written</i> by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented
+author,&mdash;James Smith.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCIX.&mdash;THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Coleridge</span> once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an
+admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus
+impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a
+philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the
+dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener
+no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed,
+"<i>Them's the jockeys for me</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCX.&mdash;EQUALITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A highwayman</span> and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same
+time at Tyburn,&mdash;the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for
+a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the
+highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I <i>won't</i> keep
+off; I have as much <i>right</i> to be here as you!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXI.&mdash;A CANDID COUNSEL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned,
+replied, "I am <i>concerned</i> for the plaintiff, but I'm <i>retained</i> by the
+defendant."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXII.&mdash;TRADE AGAINST LAND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke
+of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would
+spend &pound;50,000 rather than he should <i>come in</i>. Whitbread, with true
+English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would
+pay for that.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXIII.&mdash;TRUE EVIDENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Jew</span> called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the
+opposing counsel thus examined him: "What is your
+name?"&mdash;"Jacob."&mdash;"What are you?"&mdash;"General dealer."&mdash;"Do you keep a
+shop?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"How then do you dispose of your goods?"&mdash;"To the <i>best
+advantage</i>, my good fellow."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXIV.&mdash;DR. YOUNG.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Young</span> was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two
+ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to
+acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go,
+one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him
+to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> vain, he bowed, laid
+his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like him I go, for angels drove us both.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCXV.&mdash;A YANKEE YARN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Dickens</span> tells an American story of a young lady, who, being
+intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and
+marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the
+five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady,
+she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately
+jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again,
+she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so
+wet?"&mdash;"Take the <i>dry one</i>." And the young lady did, and married him.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXVI.&mdash;SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their
+ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they
+could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who
+heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly
+hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they
+were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been
+laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his parishioners with whom
+he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received
+for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld
+sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld
+sermon, for the minister had preached it no' <i>sax months</i> syne."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXVII.&mdash;LOVE OF THE SEA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Love</span> the sea? I dote upon it,&mdash;from the beach.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXVIII.&mdash;UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A pompous</span> parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a
+chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. "Do you
+know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are
+better fed than taught, I think, sir."&mdash;"Whew, may be it is so, measter,
+for you <i>teaches</i> me, but I <i>feeds</i> myself."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXIX.&mdash;COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest
+in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family
+plate,&mdash;<i>the fetters and handcuffs</i>!</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXX.&mdash;A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the
+price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the
+toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to
+jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be
+<i>capped</i>? Are they not <i>fellows</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXI.&mdash;A MEDICAL OPINION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the
+disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of
+physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was
+necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation,
+which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son.
+"O, father, father, do not let them <i>tap</i> you," screamed the boy, in an
+agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"&mdash;"Why, my
+dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall
+live long in health to make you happy."&mdash;"No, father, no, you will not:
+there never was anything <i>tapped</i> in our house that lasted longer than a
+week."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXII.&mdash;THE CAUSE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Lisette</span> has lost her wanton wiles&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">What secret care consumes her youth,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">And circumscribes her smiles?<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>A speck on a front tooth.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCXXIII.&mdash;WHAT'S GOING ON?</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met
+his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what
+is going on to-day?"</p>
+
+<p>Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXIV.&mdash;SNORING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he
+received the following polite note: "Deacon &mdash;&mdash; is requested not to
+commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in
+the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the <i>text</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXV.&mdash;TWO MAKE A PAIR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III.,
+the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse:
+"Here is to be seen the <i>fork</i> belonging to the <i>knife</i> with which
+Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXVI.&mdash;ALMANAC-MAKERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a
+witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an <i>almanac-maker</i>; for
+thou liest every day and all the year long."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXVII.&mdash;A BLACK JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of
+colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men
+with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"&mdash;"<i>Black as ever</i>," was the reply.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXVIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">He</span> that will never look upon an ass,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCXXIX.&mdash;EXAGGERATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can
+discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."&mdash;"I don't
+see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it <i>running</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXX.&mdash;WINNING A LOSS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A swell</span> clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn
+full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money,
+made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in
+the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat
+the company."&mdash;"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a
+sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the
+swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and <i>treat</i> the
+company."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXXI.&mdash;ADVICE GRATIS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant
+Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of <i>law</i> than of
+<i>fact</i>, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not
+quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, <i>for nothing</i>, what you
+would not give him under <i>two guineas</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXXII.&mdash;SHORT COMMONS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice:
+"Wanted, <i>two</i> apprentices, who will be treated as <i>one</i> of the family."</p>
+
+<h4>CCXXXIII.&mdash;LICENSED TO KILL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick,
+Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him
+for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every
+day, and why may not I?"&mdash;"Because," replied the satirist, "<i>you are not
+qualified to kill game, and I am</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CXXXIV.&mdash;WILKES AND LIBERTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him
+thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his
+abuse of the Royal family among you?"&mdash;"I do not at present know,"
+replied he, dryly, "but I <i>am trying</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXXV.&mdash;A PAT REPLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord J. Russell</span> endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the
+permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord
+Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his
+talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said
+Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the <i>Rolls</i>, I care nothing for your
+<i>butter</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXXVI.&mdash;LORD NORTH ASLEEP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">His</span> Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues
+of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything
+remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker
+entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark,
+he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to
+build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering
+premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived.
+Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir
+Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a <i>century or two</i> more?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXXVII.&mdash;RATHER SAUCY.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed
+gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.</p>
+
+<p>"I asked for what I thought you had <i>the most</i> of," was the cutting
+reply.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXXVIII.&mdash;LONG STORY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A loquacious</span> lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied
+to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> begun to describe its progress
+from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into
+the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how
+long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty
+minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to
+<i>finish</i> by the time he <i>returned</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXXXIX.&mdash;EUCLID REFUTED.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(A part is not equal to the whole.&mdash;Axiom.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">This</span> is a vulgar error, as I'll prove,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis plain <i>one sixteenth part</i> of Brougham's sense,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Equals the <i>whole</i> possessed by L&mdash;d&mdash;d&mdash;y.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCXL.&mdash;BRED ON THE BOARDS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion,
+had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of
+strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's
+V&mdash;&mdash;, he was bred on these boards!"&mdash;"He looks as though he'd been cut
+out of them," replied Jerrold.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXLI.&mdash;ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">No</span> wonder the debate fell dead<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Neath such a constant fire of lead.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCXLII.&mdash;PAINTING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span> who was a great amateur painter showed one of his
+performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you
+want nothing but <i>poverty</i> to become a very excellent painter."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXLIII.&mdash;OLD AGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then
+intervals of gayety: some person observed, "<i>he resembles an old castle
+which is sometimes visited by spirits</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCXLIV.&mdash;AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Would</span> you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to
+study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."&mdash;"His <i>memory</i> is evidently
+not so good as yours," replied B.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXLV.&mdash;A READY RECKONER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was
+accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he
+declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank
+off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when
+demand of payment was made for the whiskey.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, and haven't I <i>given</i> ye the loaf for the whiskey?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, but you did not <i>pay</i> for the loaf, you know."</p>
+
+<p>"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I <i>didn't take</i> the loaf, man
+alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a
+brown study.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXLVI.&mdash;A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Hawkins</span>, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had
+frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham,
+and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, <i>Brough-am</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the
+carriage a <i>Bro'am</i>, it will save the time of the court," said Lord
+Campbell, with a smile.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordship's pronunciation of the word
+during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum
+up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the
+Bro'am, and in doing so pronounced the word also, according to its
+orthography. "I beg your Lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very
+respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for
+such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss&mdash;" The loud laughter which ensued,
+and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the
+sentence.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCXLVII.&mdash;TRUE POLITENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir W.G.</span>, when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro
+who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to
+salute a slave?"&mdash;"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a
+man of his condition to <i>exceed</i> me in <i>good manners</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXLVIII.&mdash;A RAKE'S ECONOMY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">With</span> cards and dice, and dress and friends,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">My savings are complete;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I light the candle at both ends,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And thus make both ends meet.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCXLIX.&mdash;EASILY SATISFIED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A cowardly</span> fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a
+violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in <i>earnest</i>.
+"Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned
+away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such <i>jests</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCL.&mdash;PERT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Macklin</span> was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the
+former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very
+merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin.
+"No, sir," said Foote, "pray, <i>do you</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLI.&mdash;A ROYAL MUFF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William
+IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on
+the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a
+butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.&mdash;'Nice
+pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.&mdash;'Pretty fair,' was my
+reply.&mdash;'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to
+Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's
+boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> with
+a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a <i>muff</i>!'"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLII.&mdash;A BROAD HINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion&mdash;the case
+being outrageously preposterous&mdash;replied, in answer to the question,
+"Would an action lie?"&mdash;"Yes, if the witnesses would <i>lie</i> too, but not
+otherwise."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLIII.&mdash;A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he
+is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste,
+eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLIV.&mdash;"THE LAST WAR."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Pitt</span>, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which
+preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it
+"the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He
+took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was
+interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,&mdash;the last war but
+one."&mdash;"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising
+his sonorous voice,&mdash;"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish
+<i>to remember</i>." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an
+universal cheering, long and loud.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLV.&mdash;THE PHILANTHROPIST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was
+called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself
+so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to
+get rid of the reputation."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLVI.&mdash;TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">English</span> tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles
+constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal
+to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the
+barbarous<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said
+a native, "but if the quality of it be rather <i>infairior</i>, we give <i>good
+measure</i> of it, anyhow."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLVII&mdash;BAD COMPANY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the time that the bubble schemes were <i>flourishing</i>, in 1825, Mr.
+Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of
+those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to
+partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be
+defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he,
+"you will have nothing but <i>bubble and squeak</i> in a short time."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLVIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On the King's double dealing.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Of</span> such a paradox as this,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Before I never dreamt;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The King of England has become,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A <i>subject</i> of contempt!!!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCLIX.&mdash;PAINTING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the
+lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that
+painting I think myself <i>deaf</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLX.&mdash;NIL NISI, ETC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it
+very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house,
+"don't you like the beer?"&mdash;"It is not to be found fault with," answered
+the other; "for one should never speak ill of the <i>dead</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXI.&mdash;ODD FORESIGHT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady Margaret Herbert</span> asked somebody for a <i>pretty</i> pattern for a
+nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a
+nightcap?"&mdash;"O! child," said she, "you know, in <i>case of fire</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXII.&mdash;"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been
+known to shed a tear except when <i>Macheath</i>, in the "Beggar's Opera,"
+got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung
+beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."&mdash;"If you try it, my lord,"
+replied Curran, "it's sure <i>to be hung</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXIII.&mdash;GENERAL WOLFE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">General Wolfe</span> invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he
+was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he
+to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed,
+he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said
+<i>General</i> Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude,
+"we never say <i>General</i> Alexander, or <i>General</i> C&aelig;sar." Wolfe, who was
+within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the
+pleasure he felt at the high compliment.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXIV.&mdash;A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As a bridge it can only be tried by <i>its piers</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCLXV.&mdash;A NOISE FOR NOTHING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining
+with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the
+fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as
+caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the
+accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the
+plates?"&mdash;"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"&mdash;"Not one!" exclaimed
+Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise <i>for
+nothing</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXVI.&mdash;SHORT MEASURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag
+wrote underneath, "<i>Two-thirds</i> of the truth."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXVII.&mdash;DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span> once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very
+drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your <i>wine-cellar</i> into your
+<i>book-seller</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXVIII.&mdash;A DILEMMA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Whilst</span> a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners
+sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now,
+beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly,
+those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too
+loud, I shall <i>wake</i> the chief man in the parish."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXIX.&mdash;HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A brow</span> austere, a circumspective eye,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A frequent shrug of the <i>os humeri</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A nod significant, a stately gait,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then rest assured that those of little sense<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will deem you, sure, <i>a man of consequence</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCLXX.&mdash;A CHEAP WATCH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A sailor</span> went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to
+him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The
+watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing
+than its original cost."&mdash;"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will
+even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on
+the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you <i>two</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXI.&mdash;SCOTCH WUT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A laird</span> riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> a hole in it,
+and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."&mdash;"Did ye," said John;
+"wull ye haud my horse, sir?"&mdash;"Certainly," said the laird, and away
+rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back,
+nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna
+find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad
+ha' wondered if ye had, for it's <i>ten years</i> sin' I saw him gang in
+there."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXII.&mdash;ATTENDING TO A WISH.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I wish</span> you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage
+manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying <i>as little</i> as I
+can!" was the calm reply.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXIII.&mdash;A MECHANICAL SURGEON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A valiant</span> sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was
+nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a
+ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off
+his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately
+called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no
+surgeon,&mdash;<i>a carpenter! a carpenter</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXIV.&mdash;CANINE POETRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A pretty</span> little dog had written on its collar the following distich:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"This collar don't belong to you, sir,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pass on&mdash;or you may have one too, sir."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon
+whose collar was inscribed:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXV.&mdash;FOOTIANA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to
+the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at
+<i>Cork</i>. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many <i>drawings</i> of
+it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXVI.&mdash;NIGHT AND MORNING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a
+very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family
+were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over
+in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat
+anything during <i>the night</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXVII.&mdash;FULL INSIDE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Charles Lamb</span>, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his
+seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in
+and politely asked, "All full inside?"&mdash;"I don't know how it may be,
+sir, with the <i>other</i> passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece
+of oyster-pie did the business for <i>me</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXVIII.&mdash;A SHORT JOURNEY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to
+the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a
+mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation,
+exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this
+before; what shall we do?"&mdash;"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't
+expect to <i>go out</i> of this town."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXIX.&mdash;A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a
+horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who,
+as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there
+(while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of
+remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again <i>address me</i>, Sir W&mdash;&mdash;, I
+shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him,
+and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly
+too.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXX.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Cries</span> Sylvia to a Reverend Dean,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"What reason can be given,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Since marriage is a holy thing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That there are none in Heaven?"<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"There are no women," he replied.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">She quick returns the jest,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Women there are, but I'm afraid<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They cannot find a priest."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXXI.&mdash;AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who
+accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to
+throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of <i>hostility</i> to
+the Church Establishment?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXXII.&mdash;VALUE OF APPLAUSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors,
+as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us
+<i>breath</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXXIII.&mdash;LITTLE TO GIVE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A stingy</span> husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in
+company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own
+way."&mdash;"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's <i>all</i> I have to
+<i>give them</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXXIV.&mdash;A GOOD SWIMMER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A foolish</span> scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at
+swimming, vowed that he would never <i>enter</i> the water again until he was
+a complete master of the art.</p>
+
+<p>[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXXV.&mdash;NO PRIDE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A denizen</span> of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being
+elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at
+last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office
+were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited
+outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was
+unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the
+armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his
+friends, lifting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, <i>supposing</i>
+I'm a deacon, mind, I can be <i>spoken</i> to at ony time."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXXVI.&mdash;LORD CLONMEL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a
+shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a
+<i>good one</i>. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he
+used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon
+by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as
+shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &amp;c. <i>Is
+this a good shilling?</i> Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this
+your name and handwriting?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXXVII.&mdash;QUEER PARTNERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span>, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a
+young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live!
+there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXXVIII.&mdash;CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Charles the Second</span> once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be
+corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all
+turned thieves."&mdash;"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."&mdash;"Mivert!"
+exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."&mdash;"Therefore <i>he
+cannot be corrupted</i>, your majesty," answered Sidney.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCLXXXIX.&mdash;EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">St. Paul</span> has declared that, when persons, though twain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCXC.&mdash;GOOD AUTHORITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Horne Tooke</span>, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a
+partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr.
+Tooke, you will have all the <i>blackguards</i> with you to-day."&mdash;"I am
+delighted to hear it, sir, and from such <i>good</i> authority."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXCI.&mdash;LUXURIOUS SMOKING.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young
+Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted
+pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked
+it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the
+proper <i>taste</i> restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of
+its wants.'"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXCII.&mdash;NO JUDGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a
+particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to
+reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere
+<i>toss-up</i>." "But <i>heads</i> seldom win," observed a learned barrister,
+sitting behind him.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXCIII.&mdash;RELATIONS OF MANKIND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">By</span> what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected
+together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support
+by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a
+shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.&mdash;S.S.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXCIV.&mdash;VERY TRUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Serjeant Maynard</span>, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law
+an "<i>ars bablativa</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXCV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> Whigs, because they rat and change<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To Toryism, all must spurn;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet in the fact there's nothing strange,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCXCVI.&mdash;DRINKING ALONE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his
+arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have
+apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle <i>does</i> come round
+<i>so</i> often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being
+asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without
+assistance?" answered, "No&mdash;not quite that&mdash;I had the <i>assistance</i> of a
+bottle of Madeira."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXCVII.&mdash;A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Rev. Mr. B&mdash;&mdash;, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was
+reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very
+often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally
+employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the <i>spoils</i> into the
+<i>sound-holes</i> of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a
+quantity of gunpowder into B&mdash;&mdash;'s instrument. The tea equipage being
+removed, music became the order of the evening, and B&mdash;&mdash; dashed away at
+Vanhall's 47th. B&mdash;&mdash; came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed,
+and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place&mdash;<i>fit fragor</i>, and
+bang went the fiddle to pieces.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXCVIII.&mdash;READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying
+down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on
+the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads
+together, and there is the wood pavement."</p>
+
+<p>This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCXCIX.&mdash;PROPER DISTINCTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain
+D.D., then master of the college adjoining.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> He had not been there many
+minutes, when Dr. &mdash;&mdash; entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in
+no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which
+the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient
+haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he
+was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. &mdash;&mdash;. "That,"
+replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. &mdash;&mdash; is a
+<i>gentleman</i>, and you are a <i>blackguard</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCC.&mdash;GRACEFUL EXCUSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">William IV.</span> seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with
+several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that
+marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a
+colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our
+branch of the service?"&mdash;"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden
+thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has <i>done its duty</i> once, and
+is ready to do it again."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCI.&mdash;SLACK PAYMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Examining</span> a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked,
+"Did he not give you the coals, friend?"&mdash;"He did, sir, but&mdash;"&mdash;"But
+what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment <i>slack</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCII.&mdash;WAY OF USING BOOKS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sterne</span> used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to
+serve them as some people do lords, learn their <i>titles</i> and then <i>brag</i>
+of their acquaintance."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCIII.&mdash;PATRICK HENRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the
+American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp
+Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed,
+when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "C&aelig;sar had his
+Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> III...."&mdash;"Treason!" cried
+the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It
+was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry
+faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and
+fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "<i>may profit
+by their example</i>. If this be treason, make the most of it."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCIV.&mdash;ROGERS&mdash;POET AND SKIPPER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Rogers</span> used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new
+publications must often do as the flea does&mdash;<i>skip</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCV.&mdash;OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">If</span> an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the
+English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just
+to celebrate the event."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCVI.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> by a jury one is tried,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Twelve of <i>his equals</i> are implied;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then W&mdash;&mdash; might attempt in vain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This sacred privilege to obtain.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Since human nature ne'er on earth<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Gave to <i>twelve equal</i> scoundrels birth.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCVII.&mdash;REFORMATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Judge Burnet</span>, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said
+to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the
+Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said
+he, "what are you ruminating on?"&mdash;"A greater work than your lordship's
+History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said
+the Bishop. "The <i>reformation of myself</i>, my lord," answered the son.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCVIII.&mdash;THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chesterfield</span> placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old
+heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is
+admirable.</p>
+
+<p>Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not
+being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father
+had been a footman: <i>Here lies the last who died before the first of his
+family!</i> Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore,
+who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur,
+I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"</p>
+
+<p>The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander
+the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once
+formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the
+clan must have come!</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCIX.&mdash;EQUAL TO NOTHING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had
+little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're <i>equal to
+it</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCX.&mdash;FAMILIARITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A waiter</span> named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late
+Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as
+follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to
+the Prince of Wales," &amp;c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after
+noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said,
+"Sam, this may be very well between <i>you and me</i>, but it will not do
+with the Norfolks and Arundels."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXI.&mdash;EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages
+against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a
+compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle
+the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
+learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear.
+"I thank his lordship<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's
+no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little <i>warm ale</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXII.&mdash;MAC READY TO CALL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his
+staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of
+the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house <i>Almack's</i>, "For,"
+said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call <i>Mac</i>, you
+will have a head popped out of every window."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Of</span> miracles this is <i>sans doute</i> the most rare,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I ever perceived, heard reported, or read;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A man with abundance of <i>scents</i> in his <i>hair</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Without the least atom of <i>sense</i> in his <i>head</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCXIV.&mdash;LOOK-A-HEAD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Tory</span> member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the
+hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing
+elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the
+<i>state of the poll</i>.</p>
+
+<p class="right">G. A'B.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXV.&mdash;THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a
+prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXVI.&mdash;SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Tom Moore</span>, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies,
+inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it
+was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was
+delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a
+personage."&mdash;"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"&mdash;"Yes:
+she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in <i>your</i>
+celebrated '<i>Almanac</i>' for the last five or six years!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXVII.&mdash;BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Foote</span>, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune
+nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between
+them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."&mdash;Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXVIII.&mdash;MAN-TRAPS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit
+upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning
+of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every
+day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length
+and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in
+very large letters, the following: "<i>Tondapamubomenos set up in these
+grounds</i>." It was perfectly a "patent safety."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXIX.&mdash;A COLORABLE EXCUSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I
+can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you <i>uncover</i> your face."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXX.&mdash;CONSISTENCY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">No</span> wonder Tory landlords flout<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Must go against the grain.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXI.&mdash;A WONDERFUL CURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Doctor Hill</span>, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having
+quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to
+admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that
+Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of
+tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be
+from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he
+had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "<i>broke</i> his leg, and applied to me
+for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>
+the celebrated <i>tar-water</i>. Almost immediately the sailor felt the
+beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg
+was completely <i>healed</i>!" The letter was read, and discussed at the
+meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of
+opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the
+restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country
+practitioner:&mdash;"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of
+the sailor was a <i>wooden leg</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXII.&mdash;AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Is</span> there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person
+who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know
+what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very
+well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to <i>take away all
+that</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXIII.&mdash;CHOICE SPIRITS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish
+papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale <i>which
+was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXIV.&mdash;AN EXPLANATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Young</span>, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of
+Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through
+which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field
+was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said
+Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field <i>to bury</i> strangers
+in."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXV.&mdash;IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Erskine</span> having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and
+Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail,
+Sheridan at once presented her these lines,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And should dirt its original purity hide,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXVI.&mdash;LAW AND PHYSIC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A learned</span> judge being asked the difference between law and equity
+courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you
+are not so easily disposed of. One is <i>prussic acid</i>, and the other
+<i>laudanum</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXVII.&mdash;IMPROMPTU.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Counsellor</span> (afterwards Chief Justice) <span class="smcap">Bushe</span>, being on one occasion asked
+which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The
+<i>prompter</i>, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least <i>of him</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXVIII.&mdash;NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Were</span> I but a <i>king</i>," said a country boy, "I would <i>eat</i> my fill of fat
+bacon, and <i>swing</i> upon a gate all day long."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXIX.&mdash;A FORGETFUL MAN.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No wonder that he don't remember <i>me</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Why so? you see he has forgot <i>himself</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXX.&mdash;REPUTATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Reputation</span> is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXXI.&mdash;AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss
+Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't <i>master</i> her, so he <i>missed</i>
+her."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXXII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> jolly members of a toping club<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in a close confederacy link<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For nothing else, but only to hold drink.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXXIII.&mdash;A BAD LOT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased,
+was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another
+that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty,
+considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was
+the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few <i>causes</i>, and therefore
+could not have many <i>effects</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXXIV.&mdash;FILIAL AFFECTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the
+pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the
+door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call <i>her a thief</i> before she
+calls you one."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXXV.&mdash;LEG WIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was
+stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up,
+Erskine?"&mdash;"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"&mdash;"<i>His legs</i>,"
+answered the wit.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXXVI.&mdash;EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">This</span> morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Although he was hearty last night;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The poor fellow died of affright."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXXVII.&mdash;A SINECURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a
+place of all work; and his friends, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> called to congratulate him,
+were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of
+the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a
+<i>sinecure</i> is: it's a place where there's <i>nothing to do</i>, and they <i>pay
+you by the piece</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXXVIII.&mdash;A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Brother David Dewar</span> was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never
+hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be
+to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called
+upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates
+of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the
+Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he
+had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his
+assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to
+the man, for I understand he preached <i>a kirk toom</i> (empty) already, and
+if he be as successful <i>in the jail</i>, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as
+weel."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXXXIX.&mdash;WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts,
+and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of,
+"Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"&mdash;"Sir," replied the
+prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some
+beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will
+he <i>return</i> do you think?"&mdash;"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly
+satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."&mdash;"<i>Then let business
+proceed</i>," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXL.&mdash;KNOWING BEST.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I wish</span>, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were
+St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me
+in."&mdash;"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better
+for you that I had the keys of the <i>other</i> place, for then I could let
+<i>you out</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXLI.&mdash;AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy
+what was meant in the Catechism by <i>succoring</i> his father and mother.
+"<i>Giving on 'em milk</i>," was the prompt reply.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXLII.&mdash;PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was
+summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from
+the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost
+<i>nonchalance</i> he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly
+observed, "that it was the <i>dirtiest</i> house he had ever been in in his
+life."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXLIII.&mdash;A STOP WATCH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with
+great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of
+a friend who had <i>introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every
+Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXLIV.&mdash;SIR ANTHONY MALONE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Mansfield</span> used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his
+fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some
+years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his
+profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no
+person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that
+had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied
+to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no
+less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention
+of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself,
+that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive
+examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which
+he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year.
+Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>
+purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his
+principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript
+was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with
+it, which was regularly <i>charged to him by the clerk</i>. Sir Anthony then
+went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and
+never after that was possessed of a bad title.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXLV.&mdash;THE ORATORS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is there a day that asses do not speak?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCXLVI.&mdash;MODERN ACTING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky
+voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,</p>
+
+<p><i>Jerrold.</i>&mdash;"Cardinal Wolsey!&mdash;Linsey Wolsey!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXLVII.&mdash;FEW FRIENDS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span>, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at
+Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom
+he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going
+round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's
+hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck <i>one</i> tin-penny out of your
+coach, and I'll answer it will trait <i>all your friends</i> in Athlone."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXLVIII.&mdash;DIFFIDENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he
+was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have <i>heard
+the evidence</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXLIX.&mdash;"ESSAY ON MAN."</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">At</span> ten, a child; at twenty, wild;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At thirty, tame, if ever;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At sixty, good, or never!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCL.&mdash;IN-DOOR RELIEF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A melting</span> sermon being preached in a country church,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> all fell a-weeping
+but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O
+no, I belong to <i>another</i> parish."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLI.&mdash;HIGHLAND POLITENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Walter Scott</span> had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two
+proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met
+the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed
+between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch."
+To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLII.&mdash;AN ODD QUESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Counselor Rudd</span>, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of
+whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to
+him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where <i>you buy</i>
+all your <i>dirty</i> shirts."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLIII.&mdash;NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B&mdash;&mdash;, when, the weather
+being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in
+the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his
+chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B&mdash;&mdash; pressed him to stay. "No,
+no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me <i>have a
+leg to stand on</i>; for there is so <i>little wood</i> in your house, that I am
+afraid one of your servants may light the fire with <i>my right leg</i>,"
+which was his wooden one.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLIV.&mdash;NATURAL GRIEF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so
+much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed
+tears."&mdash;"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without <i>paying</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLV.&mdash;A PROVERB REVERSED.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Example</span> is better than precept they say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCLVI.&mdash;A CLOSE ESCAPE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The
+Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course
+of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious
+circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war,
+along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were
+summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the
+conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death,
+as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his
+regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots,
+without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then
+bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put
+into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed,
+"I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in
+my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And
+what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"&mdash;"Why, I remember
+saying to him, when they left us, '<i>D&mdash;&mdash; it, old fellow, never mind</i>!'"
+But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from
+the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose,
+and the Captain was permitted to escape.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLVII.&mdash;A HARD HIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Major B&mdash;&mdash;</span>, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I
+have <i>lost</i> an eye."&mdash;"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray <i>at what
+game</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLVIII.&mdash;THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he
+saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you
+mention his spit?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing <i>turns upon
+that</i>." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was
+Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and <i>Passion</i> week in the
+parlor."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLIX.&mdash;MONEY'S WORTH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A soldier</span>, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by
+writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it
+to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the
+bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the
+author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to <i>sell my life as dearly
+as possible</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLX.&mdash;HIS WAY&mdash;OUT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Richard Jebb</span>, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in
+his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely
+rude, "Sir, <i>it is my way</i>."&mdash;"Then," returned his indignant patient,
+pointing to the door, "I beg you will <i>make that your way</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXI.&mdash;A GROWL.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">He</span> that's married once may be<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Pardoned his infirmity.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He that marries twice is mad:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, if you can find a fool<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Flog him, flog him back to school.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXII.&mdash;A MODERN SCULPTOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Brown</span> and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that
+chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of
+him,&mdash;he's a sculptor."&mdash;"Such a fellow as that a <i>sculptor</i>! surely you
+must be mistaken."&mdash;"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know
+that he <i>chiselled</i> a tailor&mdash;out of a suit of clothes last week."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXIII.&mdash;A DIFFICULT TASK.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> have only yourself to please," said a married<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> friend to an old
+bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a <i>difficult</i>
+task I find it."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXIV.&mdash;THE GOUTY SHOE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">James Smith</span> used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general
+conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library
+at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the
+pleasure-grounds:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they
+are all out now."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, and what then?"</p>
+
+<p>"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have
+really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off
+being shown over the improvements."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXV.&mdash;A LUSUS NATUR&AElig;.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls
+under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of
+butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid,
+"save the insinuation that some girls are <i>over</i> twenty-one years of
+age."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXVI.&mdash;A CASE OF NECESSITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A shopkeeper</span>, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling
+off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you
+selling off?"&mdash;"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't
+they?"&mdash;"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"&mdash;"To be sure; would you
+have me <i>keep open</i> on Sunday!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXVII.&mdash;SPECIES AND SPECIE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the
+assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for
+their generosity, and the love of their <i>species</i>. The collection
+happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had
+evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have
+been, that they were distinguished for the love of their <i>specie</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXVIII.&mdash;DR. JOHNSON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he
+told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that
+he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an
+equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than
+himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had
+fifty who <i>deserved hanging</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXIX.&mdash;THE POET FOILED.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> win the maid the poet tries,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She likes a <i>verse</i>, but, cruel whim,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">She still appears <i>a-verse</i> to him.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXX.&mdash;A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his
+"trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his
+money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the
+attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much
+self-complacency,&mdash;"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how
+you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his
+serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "<i>The lawyers
+got that</i>!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The
+counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXI.&mdash;VICE VERSA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt.
+This cannot be; for instead of <i>contracting</i> it at all, bad Ministers
+have most materially extended it.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXII.&mdash;NOTHING PERSONAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was
+considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them
+a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M&mdash;&mdash;, who was more
+celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny
+lasses!"&mdash;"With<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M&mdash;&mdash;, "for it
+neither <i>applies</i> to you nor me."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXIII.&mdash;A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Moore</span>, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this
+manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one <i>more</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXIV.&mdash;A MISTAKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Old</span> Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking.
+"Some puny things," he said, "have died of <i>learning</i> to drink, but no
+man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he
+spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years
+treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXV.&mdash;AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not
+satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why,
+sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our
+ain righteousness."&mdash;"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated
+the astonished doctor, "I never <i>saw any ye had to renounce</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXVI.&mdash;THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young
+partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that
+very elderly lady!"</p>
+
+<p>"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXVII.&mdash;A PROUD HEART.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mathews</span>, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in
+private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of
+tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of
+which he represented<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> an old collier, looking for some of the
+implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with
+the new coal-sacks?"&mdash;"Made <i>pillows</i> on 'em," replied the son.
+"Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take
+th' <i>ould</i> ones?"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXVIII.&mdash;SENT HOME FREE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX,"
+concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four
+glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent <i>home
+gratis</i> in a wheelbarrow, if required."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXIX.&mdash;CHARLES II. AND MILTON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Charles II.</span> and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him,
+and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your
+blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."&mdash;"If
+Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with
+<i>blindness</i>, what must have been the crimes of your father which it
+punished with <i>death</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXX.&mdash;WHOSE?</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon
+an empty stomach."&mdash;"<i>Upon whose</i>?" said he.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXXI.&mdash;"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of
+Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple
+of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of
+<i>capping</i>. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men
+begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were <i>freshmen</i>, and did
+not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship.
+"Only <i>eight</i> days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop,
+"<i>puppies</i> never see till they are <i>nine</i> days old."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXXII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On Lord W&mdash;&mdash;'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">The</span> independence of the Lords is gone,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Says W&mdash;&mdash;, to truth for once inclined;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And to believe his lordship I am prone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Seeing that he himself is left behind.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXXIII.&mdash;CONFIDENCE&mdash;TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a
+successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness.
+"I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my
+pieces."&mdash;"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "<i>you</i> are always certain of
+success. Your pieces have all been tried before."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXXIV.&mdash;BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A well-known</span> borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and
+requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am
+surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know
+you."&mdash;"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for
+<i>those who do</i>, will not lend me a farthing."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXXV.&mdash;WILL AND THE WAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the
+senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the
+best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man
+who <i>makes his own will</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXXVI.&mdash;A REASONABLE EXCUSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to
+return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend,
+"your acquaintances find it is much more easy to <i>retain</i> the books
+themselves, than what is <i>contained</i> in them."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXXVII.&mdash;BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's
+workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On
+discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg
+pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the
+honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly
+replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this
+Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were <i>I</i> Duke of Northumberland,
+perhaps I could be."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXXVIII.&mdash;SUMMARY DECISION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Brougham</span>, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice
+Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a
+dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not
+been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded
+that the dogs should fight."&mdash;"Then I," replied the Judge, "<i>am minded</i>
+to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCLXXXIX.&mdash;A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">To</span> all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular
+form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to
+me, and beg to <i>subscribe</i>" (here the reader had to turn over leaf)
+"Myself, <i>your very obedient servant</i>," etc.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXC.&mdash;HABEAS CORPUS ACT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bishop Burnet</span> relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of
+that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says
+he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris
+were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive
+to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted
+him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed
+it, he went on with this misreckoning of <i>ten</i>; so it was reported to
+the House,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> and declared that they who were for the bill were the
+majority, and by this means the bill passed."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXCI.&mdash;A RUNAWAY KNOCK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Douglas Jerrold</span> describing a very dangerous illness from which he had
+just recovered, said&mdash;"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door,
+I can assure you."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXCII.&mdash;COMMON POLITENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and
+wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was
+answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was
+the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he <i>left his name</i> at
+my door in the morning."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXCIII.&mdash;THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jekyll</span> saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah!
+poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the <i>Home Circuit</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXCIV.&mdash;A SOPORIFIC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A spendthrift</span> being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought
+nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular
+use he could have for a single pillow?"&mdash;"Why," said Foote, "I do not
+sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good
+nap, when the proprietor of it (though he <i>owed so much</i>) could sleep
+upon it."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXCV.&mdash;CHARITABLE WIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Wit</span> in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman
+soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody
+expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he
+is sorry for her; I am truly sorry&mdash;I am sorry five pounds. How much art
+thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may
+be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he <i>felt</i>
+very much, indeed,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy
+pocket?" inquired the "Friend."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXCVI.&mdash;USE IS SECOND NATURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A tailor</span> that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his
+customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole
+half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he,
+"it is to <i>keep</i> my hands in use, lest at any time I should <i>forget
+it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXCVII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Haste</span> son of Celsus, P&mdash;rc&mdash;v&mdash;l is ill;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dissect an ass before you try your skill.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>DCCCXCVIII.&mdash;LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Use</span> brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally
+to <i>clinch the roots</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>DCCCXCIX.&mdash;AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his
+portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?"
+inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist <i>not</i> to make it <i>like you</i>,
+so they won't know it."</p>
+
+<h4>CM.&mdash;THE REBEL LORDS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp
+visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to
+turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"</p>
+
+<p>Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and
+asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off?
+"Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made
+amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."</p>
+
+<p>Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but <i>&agrave; la t&ecirc;te
+tranch&eacute;e</i>." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop
+his handkerchief for the signal.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMI.&mdash;A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">How</span> are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you,"
+replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever <i>else</i> you will, <i>you</i> will be a
+gainer by the bargain."</p>
+
+<h4>CMII.&mdash;THE DIRECT ROAD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Walking</span> to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young
+gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the
+way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "<i>Keep on
+as you are</i>, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to <i>overtake
+them</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMIII.&mdash;A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,&mdash;a jovial
+spendthrift.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do
+you think of my grays?"</p>
+
+<p>"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your
+duns!"</p>
+
+<h4>CMIV.&mdash;DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very
+elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she
+is a prodigiously fine woman."&mdash;"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't
+you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by
+art?"&mdash;"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage <i>art</i> does not adorn her:
+<i>nature adorns</i> her there, and <i>art glorifies</i> her."</p>
+
+<h4>CMV.&mdash;A GOOD NEIGHBOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen
+bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he
+ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather,"
+said he, "have <i>friends</i> than hares."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMVI.&mdash;AN EQUIVOCATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A diminutive</span> attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you
+have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"&mdash;"No,
+sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a
+pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were <i>little Else</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMVII.&mdash;A WISE FOOL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety
+of opinions were entertained,&mdash;some people thinking him not so foolish
+as he seemed,&mdash;knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny,
+and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the <i>wee</i> ane," he says, giving
+as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller,
+laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and
+some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller
+has <i>aye a gey fat sou</i>."&mdash;"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller.
+"Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's <i>expense</i> she's fed."</p>
+
+<h4>CMVIII.&mdash;ON A BALD HEAD.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">My</span> hair and I are quit, d'ye see;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I first cut <i>him</i>, he now cuts <i>me</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMIX.&mdash;LIE FOR LIE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one
+said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back,
+and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much
+of you."&mdash;"So you may, madam," said he, "and <i>lie</i> as I <i>did</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMX.&mdash;A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">General Lee</span> one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a
+handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a
+glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in
+creation."&mdash;"Why, general?"&mdash;"Because," replied Lee, "you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> are in love
+with <i>yourself</i>, and you have not a <i>rival</i> upon earth."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXI.&mdash;ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Your</span> comedy I've read, my friend,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And like the <i>half</i> you've pilfered best;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, sure, the Drama you might mend;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Take courage, man, and <i>steal the rest</i>!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXII.&mdash;GARRICK AND FOOTE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the
+comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green
+Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all,
+you are glad to take up with one of <i>my</i> farces."&mdash;"Why, yes, David,"
+rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator
+for this hot weather."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXIII.&mdash;NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing
+Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said
+the wit; "a joke in <i>your</i> mouth is no laughing matter!"</p>
+
+<h4>CMXIV.&mdash;QUITE AGROUND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is said that poor H&mdash;&mdash; T&mdash;&mdash; has been living on his wits. He
+certainly must be content with very <i>limited premises</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXV.&mdash;A JUDGE IN A FOG.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the
+construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the
+testator meant to keep a <i>life-interest</i> in the estate to
+himself."&mdash;"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case
+I rather think your lordship <i>takes the will for the deed</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXVI.&mdash;THE LETTER H.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple
+aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> the former; adding that,
+if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him,
+by making him <i>ill</i> (<i>Hill</i> without <i>H</i>) all the days of his life.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXVII.&mdash;ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the
+country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give.
+Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on
+account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him
+sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared
+up."&mdash;"Just a <i>little</i>, ma'am&mdash;enough for one, but not enough for two."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXVIII.&mdash;"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran's</span> ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician
+observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty,
+he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been <i>practising</i> all
+night."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXIX.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B&mdash;&mdash;, M.P.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> it's true a newly made M.P.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As the said landlord certainly alleges,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No more will Radicals and Whigs divide<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Upon one point, which thus we may decide,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"Some members are too much disposed for pledges."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXX.&mdash;CUP AND SAUCER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and
+remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of
+conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in
+question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so,"
+said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state
+of his saucers."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMXXI.&mdash;A NEW READING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kemble</span> playing <i>Hamlet</i> in the country, the gentleman who acted
+<i>Guildenstern</i> was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician.
+<i>Hamlet</i> asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"&mdash;"My lord, I
+cannot."&mdash;"I pray you."&mdash;"Believe me, I cannot."&mdash;"I do beseech
+you."&mdash;"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I
+can"; and to the confusion of <i>Hamlet</i>, and the great amusement of the
+audience, he played "God save the king!"</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXII.&mdash;CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Several</span> ex-members are announced as about <i>to stand</i> at the ensuing
+elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them,
+for there are very few who can reasonably expect to <i>sit</i>.&mdash;G. A'B.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXIII.&mdash;STRANGE VESPERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a
+living?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"How does he employ himself?"&mdash;"He says mass in the
+morning."&mdash;"And in the evening?"&mdash;"In the evening he <i>don't know what</i>
+he says."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXIV.&mdash;A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir B&mdash;&mdash; R&mdash;&mdash;</span>, in one of the debates on the question of the Union,
+made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it
+would change the <i>barren hills</i> into <i>fruitful valleys</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXV.&mdash;AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of C&mdash;mb&mdash;l&mdash;d has taken from this country a thing which not one
+person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean
+<i>his departure</i>.&mdash;G. A'B.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXVI.&mdash;ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of
+a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near
+the <i>vertebra</i>?"&mdash;"No,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> no," said the other; "it was near the
+<i>racecourse</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXVII.&mdash;SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter
+Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one
+striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used
+in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the
+room, and returned with the beautiful lines:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Majestic silence," &amp;c.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXXVIII.&mdash;THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Many</span> anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of
+discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of
+his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney.
+During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man
+whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He
+traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end
+without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about
+to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his
+labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her
+friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named
+Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed,
+does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been
+rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man
+with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and
+Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell
+into a <i>brown study</i>, in which she remained for some time. At length,
+however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her
+companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig!
+whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she
+added, "You should ha' ax'd for <i>Ould Blackbird</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMXXIX.&mdash;A POSER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing
+away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his
+friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"&mdash;"You
+have not <i>tried me</i> yet, sir," said Foote.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXX.&mdash;MINDING HIS CUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Elliston</span> was enacting the part of <i>Richmond</i>; and having, during the
+evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to
+the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was
+personating <i>Lord Stanley</i> (for the safety of whose son <i>Richmond</i> is
+naturally anxious), <span class="smcap">thus</span>, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Elliston (as <i>Richmond</i>). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?</p>
+
+<p>Powell (as <i>Lord Stanley</i>). He is, my Lord, and <i>safe in Leicester
+town</i>!</p>
+
+<p>Elliston (as <i>Richmond</i>). I mean&mdash;ah!&mdash;is he missing?</p>
+
+<p>Powell (as <i>Lord Stanley</i>). He is, my Lord, and <i>safe in Leicester
+town</i>!!</p>
+
+<p>And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say
+that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at
+that particular moment, have been put to him.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXXI.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On a little member's versatility.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Why</span> little Neddy &mdash;&mdash; yearns<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To <i>rat</i>, there is a reason strong,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He needs be <i>everything by turns</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Who is by nature <i>nothing long</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXXXII.&mdash;LATE AND EARLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes
+and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a
+superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very
+<i>late</i> to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> office."&mdash;"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must
+remember that I go away <i>early</i>." The oddness of the excuse silenced the
+reprover.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXXIII.&mdash;FAIR PLAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother
+counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both
+sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so
+little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without
+hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first
+fire."&mdash;"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any
+advantage, you shall <i>chalk</i> my size upon <i>your body</i>, and all hits out
+of the ring shall go for nothing."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXXIV.&mdash;SOMETHING LACKING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hook</span> was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on
+a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "<span class="smcap">Warren's B&mdash;&mdash;</span>," was
+puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis <i>lacking</i> that
+should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXXV.&mdash;THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">From</span> a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who values herself on her family's blood:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,<br /></span>
+<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And keep a poor curate to do all his work,<br /></span>
+<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">From a justice of peace who forgives no offence,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But construes the law in its most rigid sense,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And still to bind over will find some pretence,<br /></span>
+<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">From dealing with great men and taking their word,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,<br /></span>
+<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,<br /></span>
+<span class="i14"><i>Libera me!</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXXXVI.&mdash;THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of
+people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery.
+A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see
+the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery.
+"John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little
+dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride,
+cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,&mdash;"<i>Crockery</i>! bring down
+little <i>China</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXXXVII.&mdash;MEN OF LETTERS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A correspondent</span>, something new<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The editor his letter read,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And begged he might be X.Q.Z.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXXXVIII.&mdash;ELEGANT RETORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the
+undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the
+Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of
+this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had
+given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he
+might resign his office to another, a great <i>hissing</i> was raised in
+disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made
+the following elegant retort:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<i>Laudatur ab his</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXXXIX.&mdash;SNUG LYING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A visitor</span> at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be
+buried in the churchyard <i>there</i>, because it was so healthy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMXL.&mdash;A PROPER ANSWER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A knavish</span> attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty,
+"What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that <i>concern
+you</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXLI.&mdash;GOOD HEARING.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">I heard</span> last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm very glad to <i>hear it</i>, too, cries Ned.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXLII.&mdash;AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">George Selwyn</span> once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a
+letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said
+Lady G&mdash;&mdash;. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship,
+where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"</p>
+
+<h4>CMXLIII.&mdash;HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Cooke</span> was announced one evening to play the <i>Stranger</i> at the Dublin
+Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were
+visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the
+audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his
+failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When
+the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder
+hut&mdash;yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and
+striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of
+mind. Still this was taken as the <i>chef-d'&#339;uvre</i> of fine acting, and
+was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having
+cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in
+vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling,
+thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people&mdash;you know the
+value of money&mdash;a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is
+lost for ever. My son, too&mdash;pardon the feelings of a parent&mdash;my only
+son&mdash;as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain&mdash;not
+many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the
+defence of his King!" Here his feelings became<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> so powerful that they
+choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he
+staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing
+the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed
+&pound;1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but,
+too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as
+the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the
+business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor
+played the part.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXLIV.&mdash;THE SEASON-INGS.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Come</span> here, Johnny, and tell me what the four <i>seasons</i> are." Young
+Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXLV.&mdash;NOT AT HOME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A weaver</span>, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the
+churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded,
+he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially
+made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and
+after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a
+similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a
+tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation,
+referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye <i>a' up
+an' awa</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>CMXLVI.&mdash;LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers
+of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag,
+in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to
+lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the
+modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Happy and glorious"&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Three half-pints</i> 'mong <i>four</i> of us,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Heaven send no more of us</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">God save the Queen!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> received with a
+full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXLVII.&mdash;WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">How</span> wisely Nature, ordering all below,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Forbade a beard on woman's <i>chin</i> to grow,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill)<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose <i>tongue</i> would never let her <i>chin</i> be still!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXLVIII.&mdash;COOL RETORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Henderson</span>, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at
+Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping
+his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson
+took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir,
+was a <i>digression</i>: now for the argument."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXLIX.&mdash;LYING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Don't</span> give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but,
+like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>CML.&mdash;PERTINENT INQUIRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him
+stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says
+the other: "Pray, sir, <i>did you</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>CMLI.&mdash;A POLITE REBUKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Charles Mathews</span>, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the
+driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much
+longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's
+ships."&mdash;"How's that, sir?"&mdash;"Why, <i>frozen at the pole</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CMLII.&mdash;A CERTAIN CROP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Under</span> the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great
+preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field,
+where Lord Fife, his factor,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> and others interested in the subject were
+collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of
+opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot
+retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last
+cried out, "<i>Saw't wi' factors</i>, ma lord; they are sure to thrive
+everywhere."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLIII.&mdash;GOOD ADVICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Never</span> confide in a young man,&mdash;new pails leak. Never tell your secret to
+the aged,&mdash;old doors seldom shut closely.</p>
+
+<h4>CMLIV.&mdash;MR. THELWALL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high
+treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following
+note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead
+my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be
+hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "<i>I'll be
+hanged, then, if I do</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLV.&mdash;CHEAP AT THE MONEY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A shilling</span> subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who
+had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a
+shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury
+<i>one-and-twenty of them</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLVI.&mdash;A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span>, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how
+many years it would take "<i>to pay</i> a little debt of a hundred pounds!"</p>
+
+<h4>CMLVII.&mdash;A BACK-HANDED HIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Derby</span> once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is
+<i>represented</i>. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult
+to the members who represent that wretched country."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMLVIII.&mdash;THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> by their names we things should call,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It surely would be <i>properer</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To term a singing piece a bawl,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A dancing piece a <i>hopperer</i>!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMLIX.&mdash;A FAVORITE AIR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical
+composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear
+it."&mdash;"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.</p>
+
+<h4>CMLX.&mdash;A GOOD JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A fire-eating</span> Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an
+acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have
+a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"&mdash;"With
+pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against
+<i>the next</i>." The joke settled the quarrel.</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXI.&mdash;ONE THING AT A TIME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying,
+"It was not hissed."&mdash;"True," said another; "no one can <i>hiss</i> and
+<i>gape</i> at the same time."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXII.&mdash;TROPHIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A French</span> nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at
+Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many <i>trophies</i> of Louis the
+Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had
+many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my
+master's victories are to be seen <i>everywhere</i> but in his <i>own house</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXIII.&mdash;"BRIEF LET IT BE."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer
+in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson
+observing: "Mr. Martin,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> do you think any office would insure your life?
+Remember, yours is a <i>brief</i> existence."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXIV.&mdash;GOOD ADVICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A philosopher</span> being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge,
+replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first
+sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXV.&mdash;EXPECTORATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">We</span> are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even
+when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to
+civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of.
+No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.&mdash;S.S.</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXVI.&mdash;A COAT-OF-ARMS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A great</span> pretender to gentility<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Came to a herald for his pedigree:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The herald, knowing what he was, begun<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Told him he was a gentleman of note,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And that he had a very glorious coat.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One couchant; and, to give it further scope,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMLXVII.&mdash;DR. SIMS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A glorious</span> bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of
+his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with
+great naivet&eacute;: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an
+<i>emetic</i>! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would <i>not stay</i> on my
+stomach either time."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXVIII.&mdash;MARRIAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the
+enemy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMLXIX.&mdash;BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Pope</span>, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the
+young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXX.&mdash;INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A spendthrift</span> said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the
+world; now see where I am through my own exertions."&mdash;"Well, where are
+you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now <i>owe more</i> than a thousand
+pounds!"</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXI.&mdash;QUANTUM SUFF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost
+unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady
+mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady
+dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The
+party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find
+her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her
+mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither <i>het nor cauld</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXII.&mdash;LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A retired</span> cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had
+enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the
+Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort
+of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked
+at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,&mdash;you turned it
+all into <i>cheese</i> several years ago!"</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXIII.&mdash;AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Are</span> you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a
+prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are <i>you</i> put
+there for but to find that out?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXIV.&mdash;ACCOMMODATING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said,
+"You speak foolishly." He answered, "<i>It is that you may understand
+me</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXV.&mdash;GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Frank</span>, who will any friend supply,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lent me ten guineas.&mdash;"Come," said I,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Give me a pen, it is but fair<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No need to waste my paper too."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMLXXVI.&mdash;ODD REASON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A celebrated</span> wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he
+was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the <i>great regard</i>
+we have for each other."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXVII.&mdash;VERY EVIDENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Garrick</span> and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a
+board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "<span class="smcap">a
+goes koored hear</span>."&mdash;"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people
+as these can cure agues?"&mdash;"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their
+prescription is,&mdash;but <i>it is not by a spell</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXVIII.&mdash;OMINOUS, VERY!</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A jolly</span> good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly
+gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X&mdash;&mdash;
+in?"&mdash;"Don't live here," says P&mdash;&mdash;, who was in full scribble over some
+important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his
+office."&mdash;"Next door."&mdash;"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many
+patients?"&mdash;"<i>Not living</i>!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in
+the vicinity.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXIX.&mdash;A REVERSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house
+he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned <i>topsy-turvy</i>, I'd be
+livin' on the first flure."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXX.&mdash;ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE OF
+HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">His</span> degradation is complete,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His name with loss of honor branding:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When he resolved to win his seat<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He literally lost his standing.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMLXXXI.&mdash;MUSICAL TASTE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A late</span> noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music,
+being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it
+being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W&mdash;&mdash;,
+did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as <i>deaf</i> as my brother, I
+would subscribe too."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXXII.&mdash;LINGUAL INFECTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A fashionable</span> Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was
+observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out
+as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could
+be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such
+an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying <i>to catch</i> the English accent."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXXIII.&mdash;PORSON <i>versus</i> DR. JOWETT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Jowett</span>, who was a <i>small</i> man, was permitted by the head of his
+college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some
+<i>jeux d'esprit</i> among the wags of the University, which induced him to
+alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the
+following extemporaneous lines:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A <i>little</i> garden <i>little</i> Jowett made,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And fenced it with a <i>little</i> palisade;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">Because this garden made a <i>little</i> talk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He changed it to a <i>little</i> gravel walk;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And now, if more you'd know of <i>little</i> Jowett,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A <i>little</i> time, it will a <i>little</i> show it.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMLXXXIV.&mdash;BREVITY OF CHARITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Brevity</span> is in writing what charity is to all other virtues.
+Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without
+the other.</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXXV.&mdash;HIGH GAMING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Baron N.</span>, once playing at cards, was guilty of an <i>odd trick</i>; on which
+his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room.
+The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he
+should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play <i>so high</i> again as long as
+you live."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXXVI.&mdash;HARD OF DIGESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span> had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could
+offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the
+coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural
+curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this
+bird has one very remarkable property&mdash;he will swallow iron?"&mdash;"Then
+very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the <i>key</i> of your
+<i>wine-cellar</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXXVII.&mdash;A MONSTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> said that "the Court of Chancery was like a
+boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in
+haste, and digested them at leisure."</p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXXVIII.&mdash;SAILOR'S WEDDING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A jack-tar</span> just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but
+at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between
+them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the
+sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as <i>far
+as it will go</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMLXXXIX.&mdash;QUID PRO QUO.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Smith</span> and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each
+other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"&mdash;"That's a
+sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours <i>ring</i>?" said Smith. "No,"
+said Brown. "That's a sign it's <i>cracked</i>," replied his friend.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXC.&mdash;THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of &mdash;&mdash;
+approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in
+before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out
+to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing
+the passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of &mdash;&mdash;," and
+then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read
+the line, "Nor stand <i>in sinners' way</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXCI.&mdash;ENCOURAGEMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The
+unfortunate client who appears by me&mdash;" and then he came to a full stop;
+beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the
+remark, "My unfortunate client&mdash;." He did not find his fluency of speech
+quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his
+softest tone, "Pray go on, so far the court is quite <i>with you</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXCII.&mdash;FALSE ESTIMATE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Kean</span> once played <i>Young Norval</i> to Mrs. Siddons's <i>Lady Randolph</i>: after
+the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting
+him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's
+a pity,&mdash;but there's <i>too little</i> of you to do anything."</p>
+
+<p>Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies
+from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the
+infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often
+unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes
+of lightning.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play
+<i>Othello</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXCIII.&mdash;AMERICAN PENANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">As</span> for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last
+creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian
+Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript
+Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate
+me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the
+transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his
+opponents.&mdash;S.S.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXCIV.&mdash;A MONEY-LENDER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you
+half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always
+poison at hand for a remedy.&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>CMXCV.&mdash;A BAD MEDIUM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span>, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said
+to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said?
+I am not skilled in any of the <i>dead</i> languages."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXCVI.&mdash;TAKING A HINT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> Bishop preached: "My friends," said he,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"How sweet a thing is charity,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"It is, indeed," sighed miser B.,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"And instantly I'll go and&mdash;ask it."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>CMXCVII.&mdash;SWEARING THE PEACE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded
+his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of
+his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest
+son Larry, for he <i>never struck him when he was down</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>CMXCVIII.&mdash;THE RULING PASSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a
+<i>baker</i> at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote,
+who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as
+appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended
+the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely
+paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town,
+Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment
+to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at
+the same time, "I have just seen him <i>shoved</i> into the <i>family oven</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>CMXCIX.&mdash;A SANITARY AIR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as
+far,&mdash;it must, for it's ten times as thick.&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>M.&mdash;GRAFTING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Very</span> dry and pithy too was a legal <i>opinion</i> given to a claimant of the
+Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious
+forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a
+peer, but it would be a peer o' anither <i>tree</i>!</p>
+
+<h4>MI.&mdash;A SHORT CREED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A sceptical</span> man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would
+believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then
+young man, <i>your creed</i> will be the shortest of any man's I know."</p>
+
+<h4>MII.&mdash;IN THE DARK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked
+with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the <i>puir whales</i>?" deeming
+their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.</p>
+
+<h4>MIII.&mdash;NOT TO BE TEMPTED.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Come</span> down, this instant," said the boatswain to a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> mischievous son of
+Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll
+give you a good dozen, you rascal!"&mdash;"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down
+if you'd give me <i>two dozen</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MIV.&mdash;QUITE POETICAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Harry Erskine</span> made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his
+Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by
+the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after
+the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him
+on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of
+the <i>Last Ministry</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MV.&mdash;CORPORATION POLITENESS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">As</span> a west-country mayor, with formal address,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But your majesty's courage soon made it appear<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That his Donship had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MVI.&mdash;A COMMON WANT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the
+matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited
+disputants, he began:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you <i>do</i> want!"</p>
+
+<p>The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.</p>
+
+<h4>MVII.&mdash;LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was
+remarkable for what is called a "comfortable assurance." Dining in a
+party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box,
+belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that
+"It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."&mdash;"Yes, Mr.
+Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any <i>freedom</i> but yours."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MVIII.&mdash;HENRY ERSKINE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Henry Erskine</span> (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being
+presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow,
+slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the
+sight of his <i>bear</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MIX.&mdash;EPITAPH ON A MISER.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Reader</span>, beware immoderate love of pelf,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Here lies the worst of thieves,&mdash;who robbed himself.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MX.&mdash;SMART REPLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to
+her, "Good morning, mother of asses."&mdash;"Good morning, my child," was the
+reply.</p>
+
+<h4>MXI.&mdash;CALUMNY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">George the Third</span> once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous <i>bon-vivant</i>, "They
+tell me, Sir John, you love a <i>glass</i> of wine."&mdash;"Those, sire, who have
+so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me
+great injustice; they should have said,&mdash;<i>a bottle</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MXII.&mdash;LOVE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">They</span> say love's like the measles,&mdash;all the worse when it comes late in
+life.&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>MXIII.&mdash;ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you <i>change</i>
+countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, <i>let
+him</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MXIV.&mdash;TOO FAST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in
+despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"&mdash;"Are you?" said the other
+joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and <i>undo me</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MXV.&mdash;A REVERSE JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A soldier</span> passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he
+stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he
+had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? "So I
+should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his <i>tail</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MXVI.&mdash;A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823,
+was <i>Australasia</i> (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of
+conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they
+thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a
+<i>transporting</i> one."</p>
+
+<h4>MXVII.&mdash;HARD-WARE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed
+at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Such notes, as warbled to the string,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Drew <i>iron tears</i> down Pluto's cheek.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably
+delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything <i>in
+iron</i> before that could not be made at Birmingham.</p>
+
+<h4>MXVIII.&mdash;PAINTING AND MEDICINE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A painter</span> of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned
+respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are
+<i>exposed</i> to view; but in medicine, they are <i>buried</i> with the patient."</p>
+
+<h4>MXIX.&mdash;DOGMATISM</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Is</span> pupyism come to its full growth.&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>MXX.&mdash;SALAD.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> make this condiment your poet begs<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Smoothness and softness to the salad give;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, half-suspected, animate the whole.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To add a double quantity of salt.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O green and glorious!&mdash;O herbaceous treat!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Serenely full, the epicure would say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXXI.&mdash;ACTOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A member</span> of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged
+to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty
+pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A
+comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with
+wounds, is content with half that sum."&mdash;"What!" replied the actor; "and
+do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to <i>say so</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MXXII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">That</span> Lord &mdash;&mdash; owes nothing, one safely may say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXXIII.&mdash;CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I rise</span> for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am
+very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man <i>wants</i> it more."</p>
+
+<h4>MXXIV.&mdash;CARROTS CLASSICALLY CONSIDERED.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Why</span> scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">(I note it here in charity),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Had taste in beauty, and with them<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The Graces were all <ins class="translit" title="Charitai">&#935;&#945;&#961;&#953;&#964;&#945;&#953;</ins>!<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MXXV.&mdash;DOING HOMAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Returning</span> from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into
+conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him
+side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and
+watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered
+something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying
+to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been
+unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought
+to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your
+Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened
+to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a
+very high-spirited horse, so that if anything <i>goes off</i> we must <i>all go
+off together</i>!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.</p>
+
+<h4>MXXVI.&mdash;SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,&mdash;"I can
+furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two
+volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them
+once to Blanco White, and before the third page&mdash;<i>he was fast asleep</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MXXVII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On &mdash;&mdash;'s ponderous speeches.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Though</span> Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The House would most willingly spare them;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For it finds they possess such remarkable <i>weight</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That it's really a trouble to <i>bear them</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXXVIII.&mdash;GOOD AT A PINCH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A severe</span> snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks,
+having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets,
+snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging
+from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon
+failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> unwillingly
+abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst
+the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of
+the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the
+snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became
+back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the
+minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that
+he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new
+idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae."
+The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and
+then said, "Whaur did you get it?"&mdash;"<i>I soupit<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a> the poupit</i>," was
+John's expressive reply. The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath
+snuff now came into good use.</p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> Swept.</p></div>
+
+<h4>MXXIX.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the
+principles he has always professed.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Sure</span> in the House he'll do but little good<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who lets "<i>I dare not, wait upon</i> <span class="smcap">I Wood</span> (I would)."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXXX.&mdash;WILKES'S READY REPLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Luttrel</span> and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes
+asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools
+or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll
+tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But,
+perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't
+mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"&mdash;"Why (the
+answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."&mdash;"How so?"&mdash;"I
+should merely say it was a <i>fabrication</i>, and they would <i>destroy you</i>
+in the twinkling of an eye!"</p>
+
+<h4>MXXXI.&mdash;TOO GRATEFUL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">After</span> O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
+thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> "Och, counsellor,
+I've no way <i>here</i> to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you <i>knocked
+down in me own parish</i>,&mdash;wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"</p>
+
+<h4>MXXXII.&mdash;THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Say</span>, why erroneous vent your spite?<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Your censure, friends, will <i>raise</i> us;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If you do wish to damn us quite,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Only begin to <i>praise</i> us!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXXXIII.&mdash;ODD HOUSEKEEPING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Montgomery</span> was the only&mdash;the motherless&mdash;daughter of the stern
+General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of
+housekeeper, and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the
+articles purchased, and their prices, she put the "cart before the
+horse." Her gruff papa never lectured her verbally, but wrote his
+remarks on the margin of the paper, and returned it for correction. One
+such instance was as follows: "General Campbell thinks
+five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for parsley." Henrietta instantly
+saw her mistake; but, instead of formally rectifying it, wrote against
+the next item,&mdash;"Miss Campbell thinks <i>twopence-halfpenny</i> excessively
+<i>cheap for fowls</i>"; and sent it back to her father.</p>
+
+<h4>MXXXIV.&mdash;TELLING ONE'S AGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near
+thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret
+at it, madam; for you will get <i>further</i> from that frightful epoch every
+day."</p>
+
+<h4>MXXXV.&mdash;POT VALIANT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Provisions</span> have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is
+generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English
+physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a
+coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that
+he said he always employed his troops <i>before their dinner had
+digested</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MXXXVI.&mdash;CAUSE AND EFFECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir William Dawes</span>, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His
+clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady,
+he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they
+used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful,
+added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, <i>Mare Pacificum</i>." A curate,
+who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was
+<i>Mare Mortuum</i> first."</p>
+
+<h4>MXXXVII.&mdash;A BAD PREACHER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span>, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to
+<i>hear him preach</i>. He answered, "I am afraid of <i>disturbing your
+solitude</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MXXXVIII.&mdash;ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">So</span> well deserved is Rogers' fame,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That friends, who hear him most, advise<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The egotist to change his name<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To "Argus," with his hundred I's!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXXXIX.&mdash;A POSER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his
+client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my
+lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The
+Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you <i>lie</i> on both
+sides, whom will you have me believe?"</p>
+
+<h4>MXL.&mdash;A QUIET DOSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A mean</span> fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health <i>gratis</i>, asked
+a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll
+tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take <i>advice</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MXLI.&mdash;THE DANCING PRELATES.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Scaliger</span> doth the curious fact advance,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The early bishops used to join the dance,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">And winding, turning &mdash;&mdash;s shows us yet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That Bishops still know how to pirouette.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXLII.&mdash;AURICULAR CONFESSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A cunning</span> juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering
+the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."&mdash;"Stop; are
+you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.&mdash;"Yes, of one ear."&mdash;"Then you may
+leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear <i>both
+sides</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MXLIII.&mdash;A DRY FELLOW.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Well</span>, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter
+finishing his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had
+been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but
+gin anybody asks if I got a dram <i>after 't</i>, what will I say?"</p>
+
+<h4>MAXILLA.&mdash;GOOD EVIDENCE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Did</span> you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, your honor," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"On what <i>ground</i> did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned
+counsel.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>In the back-yard</i>," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.</p>
+
+<h4>AXLE.&mdash;EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Poor</span> Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For twenty years he did the duties well,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The church clock struck <i>one</i>&mdash;alas! 'twas Peter's knell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who sighed, "I'm coming&mdash;that's the ostler's bell!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXLVI.&mdash;QUIN AND THE PARSON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A well-beneficed</span> old parson having a large company to dinner,
+entertained them with nothing else but the situation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> and profits of his
+parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin,
+being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair
+of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,&mdash;"So, so, doctor, I
+think you do keep your <i>glebe</i> in your own hands with a witness!"</p>
+
+<h4>MXLVII.&mdash;NATURAL ANTIPATHY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked,
+"Why he hated that nation so much."&mdash;"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I
+don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have
+everything keep to its <i>native element</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MXLVIII.&mdash;NOT NECESSARY.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">You</span> flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady
+who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake,
+ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that <i>monkey any flatter</i>
+than he is!"</p>
+
+<h4>MXLIX.&mdash;ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sterne</span>, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of
+treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine
+sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The
+husband," said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves unkindly to his
+wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."&mdash;"If you think
+so," replied Garrick, "I hope <i>your</i> house is insured."</p>
+
+<h4>ML.&mdash;CROMWELL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in
+the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is the name of the man that murdered the king."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MLI.&mdash;BILL PAID IN FULL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker,
+in his robes of office. The active<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> part he took to forward the bill to
+settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a <i>scroll</i>
+painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George
+the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the <i>Tower</i>, and this
+circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he
+wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which
+Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "<span class="smcap">this bill paid in
+full</span>."</p>
+
+<h4>MLII.&mdash;WOMEN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the
+society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our
+mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in
+all ages our friends."</p>
+
+<p>A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a
+woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to <i>point</i> out the hours, and
+a woman to make us <i>forget</i> them."</p>
+
+<h4>MLIII.&mdash;THE DEVIL'S OWN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were
+defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through.
+This being reported to Lord B&mdash;&mdash;, he remarked, "that the lawyers always
+went through <i>thick</i> and <i>thin</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MLIV.&mdash;WHIST-PLAYING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Charles Lamb</span> said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more
+clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if
+<i>dirt</i> were trumps, what <i>hands</i> you would hold!"</p>
+
+<h4>MLV.&mdash;A CRUEL CASE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Pope</span> the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art,
+received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the
+simplicity of the intended fare&mdash;a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of
+beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I
+will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> eat he did,
+till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a
+haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at
+trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way
+to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years'
+standing, and to be <i>served in this manner</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MLVI.&mdash;ON SHELLEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Shelley</span> styles his new poem, "<i>Prometheus Unbound</i>,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For surely an age would be spent in the finding<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A reader so weak as to <i>pay for the binding</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MLVII.&mdash;WRITING TREASON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Horne Tooke</span>, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much
+treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged,
+replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was
+<i>trying</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MLVIII.&mdash;A GRACEFUL ILLUSTRATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its
+aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding
+evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous
+emotions.&mdash;S.S.</p>
+
+<h4>MLIX.&mdash;IMPROMPTU.</h4>
+
+<p><i>On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac
+Sycophant.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Some</span> envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because the character was drawn too true;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MLX.&mdash;IN THE BACKGROUND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent
+him <i>standing behind a tree</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MLXI.&mdash;IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate
+herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath
+than <i>marry</i>. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should
+find a <i>husband</i> at the bottom."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXII.&mdash;THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lad</span> applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain,
+wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you
+want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."&mdash;"I
+can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,&mdash;that
+makes two. Now, here's the <i>third</i>," and he threw it overboard.</p>
+
+<h4>MLXIII.&mdash;THE REASON WHY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's
+houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why,"
+said he, "the <i>first</i> know what they want, but the <i>latter</i> do not."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXIV.&mdash;PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same
+play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the
+mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into
+the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let me get into the chair, and put
+little Davy into the lantern."&mdash;"By all means," rejoined Garrick, "I
+shall ever be happy <i>to enlighten</i> Mr. Quin in anything."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXV.&mdash;BARK AND BITE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Clare</span>, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a
+Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned
+himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on,
+Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the
+rejoinder; "I really thought your lordship was employed in
+<i>consultation</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MLXVI.&mdash;A PRESSING REASON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A tailor</span> sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy
+tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that
+time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did
+you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running
+away?"&mdash;"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that <i>he
+was</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXVII.&mdash;SMALL WIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir George Beaumont</span> once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a
+delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish
+towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped
+himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at
+the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "<i>which</i> is the pudding?"</p>
+
+<h4>MLXVIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING
+CHAPEL.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> fast and pray we are by Scripture taught:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh could I do but either as I ought!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I pray too little, and I fast too much.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MLXIX.&mdash;MAKING PROGRESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A student</span>, being asked what progress he had made in the study of
+medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as
+physician, for I think I am now able to <i>cure a child</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXX.&mdash;THE WOOLSACK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Colman</span> and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor,
+amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand
+head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has
+still an eye to the woolsack."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXI.&mdash;SIR THOMAS COULSON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Thomas Coulson</span> being present with a friend at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> the burning of Drury
+Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where
+the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "<i>ingens</i> cui
+lumen adeptum."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXII.&mdash;THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription
+for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if
+he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I
+had I should have broken my neck for I <i>threw it</i> out of a
+two-pair-of-stairs window."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXIII.&mdash;MOTHERLY REMARK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir David Baird</span>, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper.
+When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in
+India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed,
+"Heaven pity the man <i>that's tied</i> to my Davy!"</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXIV.&mdash;TOO GOOD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A physician</span>, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a
+man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking
+all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear
+sir, you <i>deserve</i> to be ill."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXV.&mdash;A BALANCE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Pay</span> me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a
+village attorney. "For what?"&mdash;"For the opinion you had of me."&mdash;"Faith,
+I <i>never</i> had any <i>opinion</i> of you in all my life."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXVI.&mdash;MONEY'S WORTH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Whilst</span> inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising
+agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one
+of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that
+work."&mdash;"Why, no, master," was the reply, "<i>seven shillings</i> a week
+isn't <i>sweating</i> wages."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MLXXVII.&mdash;ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Strange</span> is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The etymological cause, I suppose, is<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His breaking the bridges of so many noses.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MLXXVIII.&mdash;WRITING FOR THE STAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">People</span> would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash
+which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very
+first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for
+representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a
+nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic
+description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the
+hero of the drama declaimed from the <i>main-mast</i> of a man-of-war,
+without once descending from his position!</p>
+
+<p>A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in <i>thirty</i> acts.
+The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have
+five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a
+week.</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXIX.&mdash;A COMPARISON.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">An</span> attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an
+apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer
+does not deal in <i>scruples</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXX.&mdash;GAMBLING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">I never</span> by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me
+like the funeral bell of a whole family.&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXXI.&mdash;SWEEPS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">We</span> feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a
+climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's
+office!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MLXXXII.&mdash;SELF-CONCEIT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Hail</span>, charming power of self-opinion!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For none are slaves in thy dominion;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The <i>vain</i> have only <i>one</i> to please.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MLXXXIII.&mdash;JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Formerly</span>, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear
+affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to
+attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in
+Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought
+he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the
+party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes
+before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to
+him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down
+without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the
+pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour.
+As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding
+none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my
+Lord, I am engaged to <i>dine</i> at the next house&mdash;and&mdash;and&mdash;&mdash;"&mdash;"And,
+sir, you thought you might as well <i>save</i> your own dinner by <i>spoiling</i>
+mine?"&mdash;"Exactly so, my Lord; but&mdash;&mdash;"&mdash;"Sir, I wish you a good
+evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was
+more frightened.</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXXIV.&mdash;A GOOD INVESTMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> English journal lately contained the following announcement: "<i>To be
+sold</i>, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney
+retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXXV.&mdash;THE AGED YOUNG LADY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said
+that she was but <i>forty</i> years old. A student who sat near observed,
+that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the
+last <i>ten years</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MLXXXVI&mdash;KEEPING TIME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he
+should stir the fire without interrupting the music."&mdash;"<i>Between the
+bars</i>," replied the friend.</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXXVII.&mdash;ENTERING THE LISTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of B&mdash;&mdash;, who was to have been one of the knights of the
+Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse
+himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could
+I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"&mdash;"It
+will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your
+<i>list</i> shoes."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXXVIII.&mdash;NOT IMPORTUNATE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Robison</span> (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy)
+having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had
+accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."&mdash;"Weel, weel," said
+Mrs. Robison, "if ye're <i>dead</i> I'll no' expect ye."</p>
+
+<h4>MLXXXIX.&mdash;WITTY COWARD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A French</span> marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he
+never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile
+it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?"&mdash;"Pooh!"
+replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes
+behind my back."</p>
+
+<h4>MXC.&mdash;PRIORITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his <i>young</i> master for
+his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me,
+Maister Jeems, <i>I hae been langer about the place than yersel'</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MXCI.&mdash;SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A laird</span> of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a
+proposal was made to erect a new<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> churchyard wall. He met the
+proposition with the dry remark, "I never big dykes till the <i>tenants</i>
+complain."</p>
+
+<h4>MXCII.&mdash;CHARACTERISTICS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One
+extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a
+friend with,&mdash;"It is a very cold morning, doctor."&mdash;"I don't know that,"
+was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with
+<i>snow</i>. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The
+doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and
+interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the
+annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated
+next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much,
+as many of the party did not understand it."&mdash;"And <i>you are one</i> of
+them," observed the learned bear.</p>
+
+<h4>MXCIII.&mdash;AN ERROR CORRECTED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of
+his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his
+disappointment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friend</i> (to Jerrold).&mdash;I hear you said &mdash;&mdash; was the worst book I ever
+wrote.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jerrold.</i>&mdash;No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever
+wrote.</p>
+
+<h4>MXCIV.&mdash;A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">W&mdash;&mdash;</span>, they say, is bright! yet to discover<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But hold! <i>Extremes will meet</i>: the marvel's over;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His very <i>dulness</i> is the <i>extreme</i> of wit.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXCV.&mdash;BRAHAM AND KENNEY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was
+passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at
+the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of
+manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span>
+replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I
+really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On
+asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham
+say, as he entered, 'I am really <i>proud</i> of my pit to-night,' I went and
+counted it, and there were but <i>seventeen</i> people in it."</p>
+
+<h4>MXCVI.&mdash;HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">I would</span>," says Fox, "a tax devise<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That shall not fall on me."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Then tax <i>receipts</i>," Lord North replies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"For those you <i>never</i> see."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MXCVII.&mdash;A BED OF&mdash;WHERE?</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and
+spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very
+proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion,
+and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well,
+sir; but, indeed, I thought <i>I'd lost</i> the minister a' thegither."</p>
+
+<h4>MXCVIII.&mdash;ENVY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A drunken</span> man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by
+the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is
+dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied
+another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, <i>I
+wish I had just half his disease</i>!"&mdash;in other words, a moiety of the
+whiskey he had drunk.</p>
+
+<h4>MXCIX.&mdash;A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I keep</span> an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her
+boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little
+<i>upon it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MC.&mdash;MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A laird of Logan</span> sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as
+you see him; but he's an <i>honest</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span> beast." The purchaser took him home.
+In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and
+his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the
+laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast;
+many a time has he <i>threatened</i> to come down with me, and I kenned he
+would <i>keep his word</i> some day."</p>
+
+<h4>MCI.&mdash;"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Neville</span>, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by
+many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech,
+but when he used <i>bad</i> words he could talk fluently. In one of his
+solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road.
+"Tu&mdash;u&mdash;rn," says Neville, "to&mdash;to&mdash;to&mdash;" and so on for a minute or two;
+at last he burst out, "<i>Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can
+tell you</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCII.&mdash;ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Two</span> Miltons, in separate ages were born,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Though the other had talents the world to adorn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>This</i> lives by his <i>mews</i>, which the other could not!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCIII.&mdash;A LONG RESIDENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a
+splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man
+of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as
+Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye
+to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer
+countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht <i>o'
+leavin' yet</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCIV.&mdash;SPARE THE ROD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A schoolboy</span> being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied,
+"If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the <i>Italian
+system</i>&mdash;the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCV.&mdash;POLITICAL SINECURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to
+his heart, and declared that he was the trusty <i>guardian</i> of his own
+honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on
+the snug little <i>sinecure</i> he had discovered for himself.</p>
+
+<h4>MCVI.&mdash;EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MA&Icirc;TRE PHYSICIAN.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> Pennington for female ills indites,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Studying alone not what, but how he writes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cry, with ill-omened rapture,&mdash;"<i>Killing man</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCVII.&mdash;DAMPED ARDOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jerrold</span> and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London,
+discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy
+shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many
+years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of
+us."</p>
+
+<h4>MCVIII.&mdash;ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his
+native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George
+IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the
+leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed
+Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to
+ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these
+distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going
+direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission,
+Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and
+<i>I will talk over the business with</i> <span class="smcap">his Majesty</span>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCIX.&mdash;TRUTH AND FICTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A traveller</span> relating his adventures, told the company that he and his
+servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he
+observed, that there was no great<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> matter in it,&mdash;"For," says he, "we
+ran, and they ran <i>after us</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCX.&mdash;A REASONABLE REFUSAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some
+of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and
+solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King.
+"Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never
+could raise a man <i>for mysel</i>, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King
+George."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXI.&mdash;LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A vehement</span> political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord
+North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in
+a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the
+Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter
+only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other
+criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their
+fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair,
+and taught to repeat the cry of "<i>Infamous coalition</i>!" Lord North
+coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to
+them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the
+starling might well perform his office <i>by deputy</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXII.&mdash;INCAPACITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "<i>I</i> would
+permit you," answered the prelate; "but <i>nature</i> will not."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is there a night that asses do not speak?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCXIV.&mdash;VALUE OF NOTHING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Porson</span> one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> Cantab, requesting
+him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking,
+and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His
+friend answered, "Yes!"&mdash;"And what may it be?" asked Porson.
+"<i>Sixpence</i>!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the
+note."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXV.&mdash;THE RIGHT ORGAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Spurzheim</span> was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the
+organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The <i>barrel</i>-organ,"
+interrupted an auditor.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXVI.&mdash;MIND YOUR POINTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A writer</span>, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite
+passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing <i>a bolster full of rage and
+jealousy</i>, smothers her."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXVII.&mdash;REASONS FOR DRINKING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Aldrich</span>, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for
+drinking:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Good wine, a friend, or being dry,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or lest you should be by and by,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or any other reason why."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCXVIII.&mdash;NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house
+of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer
+ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock;
+may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"&mdash;"I
+don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white
+sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be
+<i>fleeced</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXIX.&mdash;AN ODD OCCURRENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little
+absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have
+been <i>more</i> women than men married this year."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCXX.&mdash;A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A tutor</span> bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make
+some English verses, and seeing he put <i>teeth</i> to rhyme with <i>feet</i>,
+told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles
+answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore
+this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that
+evasion, for that will make you an <i>owl</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXI.&mdash;NOSCE TE IPSUM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of
+Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the
+debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished
+to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed
+he, with great emphasis&mdash;"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a
+more <i>knavish fool</i> than he?"&mdash;"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the
+troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the
+prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXII.&mdash;VERA CANNIE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the
+plea, "<i>Marry</i> for love, and <i>work</i> for siller," replied, "It's a' vera
+true, but a kiss and a tinniefu<a name="FNanchor_C_3" id="FNanchor_C_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_C_3" class="fnanchor">[C]</a> o' cauld water maks a gey wersh<a name="FNanchor_D_4" id="FNanchor_D_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_D_4" class="fnanchor">[D]</a>
+breakfast."</p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_C_3" id="Footnote_C_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_C_3"><span class="label">[C]</span></a> Tinnie, the small porringer of children.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_D_4" id="Footnote_D_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_D_4"><span class="label">[D]</span></a> Insipid.</p></div>
+
+<h4>MCXXIII.&mdash;TIMELY AID.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for
+alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound
+sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my
+present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit
+some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a
+shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam,"
+said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> <i>begging</i> all
+day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to
+<i>work</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXIV.&mdash;WHIST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Bray</span> relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named
+Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a
+deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on
+the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life,
+and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment
+he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "<i>What is trumps</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXV.&mdash;HENRY ERSKINE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba&mdash;four, a
+barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences.
+Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the
+former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer,
+"I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to
+a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the
+first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a
+slight extravasation of blood."&mdash;"You may thank your lucky stars,"
+replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's <i>gate</i> was not as <i>lofty</i> as
+your <i>style</i>, or you must have broken your neck."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXVI.&mdash;THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">These</span> walls, so full of monuments and bust,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCXXVII.&mdash;TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time
+the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still
+resembled only the "effigy of a man,"&mdash;said the stout gentleman, "Why,
+Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you
+last."&mdash;"And you," replied the other, "look as if you <i>had been at
+dinner ever since</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCXXVIII.&mdash;SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood,
+who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can
+your mag t-t-talk yet?"&mdash;"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than <i>you</i>, or
+I'd wring his <i>head off</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXIX.&mdash;AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one
+killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body
+they <i>found the chaplain</i> of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr.
+&mdash;&mdash;, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was
+discovered in this very inconvenient situation.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXX.&mdash;CONSTANCY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the
+Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not <i>change</i>
+either till he comes back."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXXI.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> he holds forth, his reverence doth appear<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">So lengthily his subject to pursue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That listeners (out of patience) often fear<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He has indeed <i>eternity in view</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCXXXII.&mdash;SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Smith</span> passed a pork-shop the other day,&mdash;Mr. Smith whistled. The
+moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this,
+we would mention that the day before he <i>lost a Newfoundland dog</i>, that
+weighed sixty-eight pounds.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXXIII.&mdash;BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Rogers</span> used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a
+duel in a <i>darkened room</i>. The Englishman, unwilling to take his
+antagonist's life, generously<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> fired up the chimney, and&mdash;<i>brought down
+the Frenchman</i>. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the
+relator, "I make the <i>Englishman</i> go up the chimney."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXXIV.&mdash;A PERFECT BORE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some one</span> being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was
+not "a <i>little</i> tiresome?"&mdash;"Not at all," said he, "she was <i>perfectly</i>
+tiresome."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXXV.&mdash;TOO CIVIL BY HALF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the
+close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of
+the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one
+of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "<i>I
+really beg his pardon</i>,&mdash;bring him in."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXXVI.&mdash;"OUR LANDLADY."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A landlady</span>, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin,
+would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion:
+"Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off
+started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it <i>half</i> a
+quartern <i>loaf</i>, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got
+across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard:
+"Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it <i>all gin</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXXVII.&mdash;THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span> censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church,
+which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more
+convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct
+road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out
+of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the
+bridge."&mdash;"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church <i>in</i> the
+way, that the people may not <i>go out of the way</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCXXXVIII.&mdash;SAVING TIME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A candidate</span> at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a
+long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said,
+"Electors of G&mdash;&mdash;, all that he has <i>said</i> I will <i>do</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXXXIX.&mdash;THE YOUNG IDEA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Schoolmistress</span> (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come,
+now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You
+won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell
+you. I didn't come here to <i>teach you</i>,&mdash;but for you to <i>teach me</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXL.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Two</span> Harveys had a mutual wish<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To please in different stations;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For one excelled in <i>Sauce for Fish</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And one in <i>Meditations</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Each had its pungent power applied<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To aid the dead and dying;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>This</i> relishes a <i>sole</i> when <i>fried</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>That</i> saves a <i>soul</i> from <i>frying</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCXLI.&mdash;EPITAPHS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">If</span> truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to
+the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single
+epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of
+Shakespeare,&mdash;the following being the whole,&mdash;<i>Exit Burbadge</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that
+excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,&mdash;"Good
+Knight."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXLII.&mdash;NATIONAL PREJUDICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span> being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The
+Irish, sir, take us <i>all in</i>, and the Scotch turn us <i>all out</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCXLIII.&mdash;GRANDILOQUENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A boasting</span> fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business
+be?"&mdash;"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is
+in a <i>very</i> large way!"&mdash;"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume
+you are a cutter of <i>bungs</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCXLIV.&mdash;THE LETTER C.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curious</span> coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the
+Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:&mdash;Her mother's name was
+Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she
+was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House,
+the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel;
+her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord
+Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of
+her accoucheur being Croft.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXLV.&mdash;PRACTICAL RETORT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one
+night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and
+hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on
+the stage, and <i>out-hissed</i> the visitors.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXLVI.&mdash;AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Garth</span> (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the
+Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone,
+having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he
+forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth
+immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or
+not; for nine of them have such <i>bad</i> constitutions that all the
+physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so
+<i>good</i> constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill
+them."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXLVII.&mdash;A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Owen Moore</span> has run away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Owing more than he can pay.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MCXLVIII.&mdash;LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Hurrah</span>! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his
+father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at
+last."&mdash;"<i>Settled it</i>!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you
+that as <i>an annuity</i> for your life."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXLIX.&mdash;A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">As</span> you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging
+sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve
+you."&mdash;"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting
+for <i>all parishes</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCL.&mdash;PLAIN SPEAKING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">George II.</span>, who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his
+persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his
+opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther <i>done so</i>,"
+replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne
+of England."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLL.&mdash;THE PLURAL NUMBER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A boy</span> being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great
+promptness and simplicity, "<i>two-pence</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLII.&mdash;MAULE-PRACTICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was
+differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so
+with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive
+a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, <i>in
+writing</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLIII.&mdash;VERY LIKELY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after
+suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his
+servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room,
+"None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very
+glad,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> for now you will have only <i>one boot</i> to clean instead of <i>two</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLIV.&mdash;MUCH ALIKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A sailor</span> was asked, "Where did your father die?"&mdash;"In a storm," answered
+the sailor. "And your grandfather?"&mdash;"He was drowned."&mdash;"And your
+great-grandfather?"&mdash;"He perished at sea."&mdash;"How, then," said the
+questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished
+there? You needs must be very rash."&mdash;"Master," replied the sailor, "do
+me the favor of telling me where your father died?"&mdash;"Very comfortably
+in a bed."&mdash;"And your forefathers?"&mdash;"In the same manner,&mdash;very quietly
+in their beds."&mdash;"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you
+<i>go to bed</i>, since all your ancestors died in it?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCLV.&mdash;A GOOD WIFE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets
+she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing
+all that <i>pleases</i> him, and by enduring patiently all that <i>displeases</i>
+me."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLVI.&mdash;WELLINGTON SURPRISED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span> ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table,
+to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here
+titled, if you were not <span class="smcap">surprised</span> at Waterloo?" To which the duke
+responded, "No; but I am <span class="smcap">now</span>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLVII.&mdash;TOO CLEVER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself
+useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as
+country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for
+two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you <i>shook
+them</i>?"&mdash;"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the
+word.</p>
+
+<h4>MCLVIII.&mdash;A LIGHT JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> were burned
+down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at
+first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same
+evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact,
+"that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn <i>any
+longer</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLIX.&mdash;A REBUKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A braggart</span>, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted
+that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier,
+"be careful the next time you run away, and don't <i>look back</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLX.&mdash;A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Bobby</span>, what does your father do for a living?"&mdash;"He's a
+<i>philanthropist</i>, sir."&mdash;"A what?"&mdash;"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,&mdash;he
+collects money for Central America, and <i>builds houses</i> out of the
+proceeds."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXI.&mdash;GREAT CABBAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A foreigner</span> asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a
+suit of clothes. He replied, <i>twelve</i> yards. Astonished at the quantity,
+he went to another, who said <i>seven</i> would be quite sufficient. Not
+thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was
+against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask
+twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for
+seven?"&mdash;"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he
+has but <i>three</i> children to clothe, I have <i>six</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXII.&mdash;TRUE AND FALSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A beggar</span> asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to
+whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, <i>Latin</i>. The fellow,
+shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the
+gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"&mdash;"Yes," replied
+the other, "a <i>poor one</i> indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word
+of <i>Latin</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCLXIII.&mdash;NOT QUITE CORRECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A huntsman</span>, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct
+in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day
+when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and
+asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great
+sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."&mdash;"Did you run him
+long?"&mdash;"They run him up-wards of five hours <i>successfully</i>."&mdash;"So then
+you <i>did</i> kill him?"&mdash;"O no, sir; we lost him at last."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXIV.&mdash;A FOOL CONFIRMED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Parr</span>, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once
+called a clergyman a <i>fool</i>, and there was probably some truth in his
+application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different
+opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so,"
+added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will <i>confirm</i> you."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXV.&mdash;PLEASANT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his
+operations satisfactory.</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXVI.&mdash;ALERE FLAMMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. B&mdash;&mdash;</span> desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had
+just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell
+her, for she had other <i>irons in the fire</i>, and in case of its not being
+likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the
+doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you,
+madam, to put it where your <i>other irons</i> are."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXVII.&mdash;ORATORY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York
+Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the
+workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made,
+he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything
+that came uppermost, that he might observe how<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> it could be heard. "Why
+then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you
+these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do
+you mean to pay us?"&mdash;"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray
+come down; I have <i>heard</i> quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very
+distinctly, though I don't much <i>admire your subject</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXVIII.&mdash;SOLDIERS' WIVES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a
+new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation.
+"But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal
+highness, as she is <i>a soldier's wife</i>, and these people are generally
+<i>loose characters</i>!"&mdash;"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just
+entered the room, "<i>a soldier's wife</i>! Pray, madam, <i>what is your
+mistress</i>? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXIX.&mdash;NO JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a
+board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the
+notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these
+Grounds";&mdash;but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he
+caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,&mdash;"<span class="smcap">No Joke,
+by the Lord Harry</span>!" which had the desired effect.</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXX.&mdash;A GOOD LIKENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to
+charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen
+his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the
+non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was <i>so like
+you</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXI.&mdash;CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">George Selwyn</span>, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was
+induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the
+acquaintance of an elderly gentleman<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> he was in the habit of meeting at
+the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his
+old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed,
+but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the <i>cuttee</i>. "I
+recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I
+shall be most happy to become acquainted <i>with you again</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXII.&mdash;VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in
+eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L&mdash;&mdash;'s sad
+affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he
+suddenly took up the knife, and&mdash;&mdash;" "Good heavens!" interposed one of
+the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"&mdash;"Why no," answered the
+relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected
+he would, for he actually <i>put it up to his mouth</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXIII.&mdash;IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span>, about to be proposed a member of the Ph&#339;nix Club,
+inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was
+the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Ph&#339;nix,
+<i>for I can't rise from the fire</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXIV.&mdash;A GOOD APPETITE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A nobleman</span> had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said
+he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as
+for loins, not many; five or six at most."&mdash;"And how many legs of
+mutton?"&mdash;"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight,
+perhaps."&mdash;"And fatted pullets?"&mdash;"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not
+many; not more than a dozen."&mdash;"And pigeons?"&mdash;"Ah, as for pigeons, not
+many; perhaps forty&mdash;fifty at most&mdash;according to appetite."&mdash;"And
+larks?"&mdash;"Ah, as for that, my lord&mdash;little larks&mdash;<i>for ever</i>, my
+lord&mdash;<i>for ever</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXV.&mdash;SHORT-SIGHTED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dean Cowper</span>, of Durham, who was very economical<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> of his wine, descanting
+one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind,
+remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."&mdash;"I
+do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for <i>we</i> have
+seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXVI.&mdash;AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A'Beckett</span> once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an <i>annual
+increase</i> is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S&mdash;&mdash;, by virtue of
+this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXVI I.&mdash;TRUTH <i>versus</i> POLITENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was
+presiding "Hoped the tea was good."&mdash;"Very good, indeed, madam," was the
+general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who,
+between truth and politeness observed, "That the <i>tea</i> was <i>excellent</i>,
+but the <i>water</i> was <i>smoky</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXVIII.&mdash;A NEW VIEW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> people have a notion that villany ought to be <i>exposed</i>, though we
+must confess we think it a thing that deserves a <i>hiding</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXIX.&mdash;THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A student</span> riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said
+that if <i>one</i> side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the
+<i>other</i> would stay behind.</p>
+
+<p>[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in
+Hudibras,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"For Hudibras wore but one spur;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As wisely knowing, could he stir<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To active trot one side of 's horse," &amp;c.]<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCLXXX.&mdash;A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A scholar</span> was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered,
+"<i>Unum contrarium expellit alterum</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXXI.&mdash;A PLAY UPON WORDS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A poacher</span> was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game
+unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being
+asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring
+to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and
+confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told
+you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty
+years, it has been my <i>manner</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXXII.&mdash;JEMMY GORDON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Jemmy Gordon</span>, the well-known writer of many a <i>theme</i> and <i>declamation</i>
+for <i>varmint-men</i>, alias <i>non-reading</i> Cantabs, having been complimented
+by an acquaintance on the result of one of his <i>themes</i>, to which the
+prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is
+no great credit to be first in an <i>ass-race</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXXIII.&mdash;SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Swift</span> was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his
+chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, "I would have you to
+know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit."&mdash;"Do you, indeed," replied the
+Dean; "Then take my advice, and <i>sit down again</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXXIV.&mdash;A SETTLED POINT.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">A reformed</span> Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, "will
+never do for this country."&mdash;"No! but an <i>unreformed</i> would, and that
+quickly," replied a bystander.</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXXV.&mdash;JOLLY COMPANIONS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A minister</span> in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the
+jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings,
+and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his
+elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a
+witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> Rev. Mr. C&mdash;&mdash;
+the worse of drink?"&mdash;"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the
+better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."&mdash;"But did you never see
+him drunk?"&mdash;"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be <i>half
+slockened</i>, I'm ay' <i>blind fu'</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXXVI.&mdash;PAYING IN KIND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied
+with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a
+small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In
+the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles,
+instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he <i>gave to each a wax
+candle</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXXVII.&mdash;A FULL HOUSE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">What</span> plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house
+at my benefit?"&mdash;"<i>Invite your creditors</i>," was the surly reply.</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXXVIII.&mdash;RATHER THE WORST HALF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his
+mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And
+why not?" said the mother; "he's entitled to half, isn't he!"&mdash;"Yes,
+mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out
+all the soft for his half? He will have <i>his</i> half out of the middle,
+and I have to sleep <i>both</i> sides of him!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCLXXXIX.&mdash;FORCE OF HABIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A servant</span> of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of
+Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report
+the state of her health, how she had slept, &amp;c., with strict injunctions
+<i>always</i> to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl
+brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S&mdash;&mdash;'s <i>compliments</i>, and she
+de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCXC.&mdash;A WONDERFUL SIGHT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A jolly</span> Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair,
+to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a
+lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate,
+who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next
+year they were to carry about a <i>sailor and a marine living peaceably
+together</i>!"&mdash;"Aye," said his married companion, "or a <i>man and wife</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXCI.&mdash;BURKE AND FOX.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Burke</span>, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented
+his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord
+Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I
+declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of
+the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and,
+should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought
+to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is
+the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of
+my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of
+John Zisca, it should be converted <i>into a drum</i>, and used for the
+purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXCII.&mdash;TRYING TO THE TEMPER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Allen</span>, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: "I never
+put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the
+blade."&mdash;"No doubt of it," replied Rogers; "show me the blade that is
+<i>not out of temper</i> when plunged into <i>hot water</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXCIII.&mdash;HAVING A CALL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Dunlop</span>, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the
+country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was
+expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of
+refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in
+<i>exercises</i>,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span> and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied,
+"I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye
+can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in
+the prayer when I hear the <i>haam fizzin'</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXCIV.&mdash;A WILL AND AWAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of
+a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his
+younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by
+the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he,
+"it's the will; I'm ordered to <i>divide</i> the house betune myself and my
+brother, so I've taken the <i>inside</i> and given him the <i>outside</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCXCV.&mdash;A WINDY MINISTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest
+operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much
+laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for
+the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants
+in prayer as follows:&mdash;"Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin'
+wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive
+words than these could not be found in any language.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXCVI.&mdash;READY RECKONER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in
+Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that
+some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they
+were met with the curt reply: "Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send
+you half-a-dozen <i>pay sergeants</i> that will,"&mdash;a hint that they did not
+fail to take.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXCVII.&mdash;A "DISTANT" FRIEND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Meeting</span> a negro on the road, a traveller said, "You have lost some of
+your friends, I see?"&mdash;"Yes, massa."&mdash;"Was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> it a near or a distant
+relative?"&mdash;"Well, purty distant,&mdash;<i>'bout twenty-four mile</i>," was the
+reply.</p>
+
+<h4>MCXCVIII.&mdash;TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Ho</span>! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"The ministry are to be <i>changed</i>, it is said."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"That's good," replied Tom, "but it better would be<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With a trifling erratum."&mdash;"What?"&mdash;"Dele the <i>c</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCXCIX.&mdash;A NAMELESS MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the
+delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. "My name," replied
+the man, "is the same as my father's."&mdash;"And what is his name?" said the
+gentleman. "It is the same as mine."&mdash;"Then what are both your
+names?"&mdash;"Why, they <i>are both alike</i>," answered the man again, and very
+deliberately walked off.</p>
+
+<h4>MCC.&mdash;AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Booth</span>, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I
+like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,&mdash;<i>I can't get
+over your nose</i>!"&mdash;"No wonder, madam," replied he, "the bridge is gone!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCI.&mdash;NON COMPOS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is remarkable that &mdash;&mdash; is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition,
+though the <i>very little piece</i> of mind he possesses is proverbial.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCII.&mdash;TOO LIBERAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A writer</span> in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of
+distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you
+have done it so profusely that you have <i>left none</i> for yourself."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCIII.&mdash;A LITTLE RAIN.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">How</span> monarchs die is easily explained,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And then he <i>mizzled</i>!<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCIV.&mdash;TRUE DIGNITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">P&mdash;&mdash;</span> had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's
+house a stranger stopped that P&mdash;&mdash; might enter the room before him.
+"Pass, sir," said the master of the house, "it is only Mr. P&mdash;&mdash;, the
+author."&mdash;"As my rank is mentioned," cried P., "I shall claim the
+preference"; and accordingly took the lead.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCV.&mdash;HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Mead</span>, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted
+with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient
+rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah!" said the doctor,
+shaking his head, "this Madeira will never do; it is the cause of all
+your suffering."&mdash;"Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill your
+glass, for now we have found out <i>the cause</i>, the sooner <i>we get rid of
+it</i> the better."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCVI.&mdash;SEVERE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called "<i>she</i>." The
+son of Neptune replied that it was "because the <i>rigging</i> cost more than
+the hull."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCVII.&mdash;NO SACRIFICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A linen-draper</span> having advertised his stock to be sold under <i>prime
+cost</i>, a neighbor observed that, "It was impossible, as he had never
+<i>paid a farthing for it himself</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCVIII.&mdash;SHARP BOY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A mother</span> admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him
+he should never <i>defer</i> till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The
+little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the
+plum-pudding <i>to-night</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCIX.&mdash;EARLY BIRDS OF PREY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A merchant</span> having been attacked by some thieves at five in the
+afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you <i>open shop early</i> to-day."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCX.&mdash;JUDGMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">James the Second</span>, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet,
+and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the loss of his
+sight a <i>judgment</i> upon him for what he had written against his father,
+Charles the First. Milton answered, "If your Highness think my loss of
+sight a <i>judgment</i> upon me, what do you think of your father's losing
+his head?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXI.&mdash;ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">It</span> sounds like paradox,&mdash;and yet 'tis true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You're like your picture, though it's not like you.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCXII.&mdash;RATHER A-CURATE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in
+their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they
+have gone many steps, they may be said to be <i>past a</i> <span class="smcap">cure</span>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXIII.&mdash;MONEY'S WORTH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A rich</span> upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the
+advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue <i>an
+advantage</i> over an honest man," was the reply.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXIV.&mdash;THE RICHMOND HOAX.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert
+Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond
+before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly
+desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor"&mdash;those
+cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated.
+The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, "What do you mean by 'maids of
+honor?'"&mdash;"Dear me!" said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly
+a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette, that
+everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace?
+What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor;
+a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> capon is called a lord chamberlain; a goose is a lord steward; a
+roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the
+bedchamber; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod; and
+so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in, when she actually saw the
+maids of honor make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes; she
+convulsed the whole party by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in
+a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a <i>gentleman usher of the black
+rod</i>, if they had one in the house quite cold!</p>
+
+<h4>MCCX.V.&mdash;LORD CHATHAM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chatham</span> had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view,
+and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken
+immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on
+the impossibility of obeying them. He found his lordship in the most
+excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had
+ever experienced. "Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of
+impossibilities": and then, raising himself upon his legs, while the
+sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his
+body was convulsed with agony, "Go, sir, and tell his lordship, that he
+has to do with a minister who actually <i>treads</i> on impossibilities."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXVI.&mdash;"I CAN GET THROUGH."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated
+windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the
+gates were locked, taken the liberty of passing, without an <i>exeat</i>, in
+rather a novel style. A certain Cantab was in the act of drawing himself
+through the bars, and being more than an ordinary mortal's bulk, he
+stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college passing, stepped up to the
+student and asked him ironically, "If he should assist him?"&mdash;"Thank
+you," was the reply, "<i>I can get through</i>!" at the same instant he drew
+himself back on the outside.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXVII.&mdash;MAKING FREE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Formerly</span>, members of parliament had the privilege of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> franking letters
+sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the
+post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been <i>charged</i>.
+He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his
+handwriting. "It was not," he replied, "<i>precisely</i> the same; but the
+truth is, I happened to be a <i>little tipsy</i> when I franked
+them."&mdash;"Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write <i>drunk</i>
+when you make <i>free</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXVIII.&mdash;FICTION AND TRUTH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Waller</span>, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric
+on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of
+Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the
+king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that
+he wrote a better on Cromwell. "Please your majesty," said Waller, like
+a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy in <i>fiction</i> than in
+<i>truth</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXIX.&mdash;A TAVERN DINNER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A party</span> of <i>bon-vivants</i>, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang
+for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared
+so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest)
+that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been
+drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor
+forgets the three gentlemen <i>under the table</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXX.&mdash;A FULL STOP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him.
+One old aunt, in particular, visited him <i>twice</i> a year, and stayed <i>six
+months</i> each time.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXI.&mdash;FAT AND LEAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span>, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that,
+though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. "I have seen
+the time," said another, "when it made you lean,"&mdash;"When? I should be
+glad<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span> to know," inquired the eulogist. "Why, no longer ago than last
+night,&mdash;<i>against a wall</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXII.&mdash;SELF-CONDEMNATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Joseph II.</span>, emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his
+retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at
+the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After
+eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant
+retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to
+only three shillings and sixpence, English, and rode off. A few hours
+afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican,
+understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. "Psha! psha!
+man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such
+adventures, and will think no more of it."&mdash;"But I <i>shall</i>" replied the
+landlord; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my
+house, and letting him off for <i>three and sixpence</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXIII.&mdash;NICKNAMES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">John Magee</span>, formerly the printer of the <i>Dublin Evening Post</i>, was full
+of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instituted
+against him by the government, and many "keen encounters of the tongue"
+took place on these occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel,
+who was at that period Chief Justice of the King's Bench. In addressing
+the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some
+public character, who was better known by a familiar designation. The
+official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed; and he, with bilious
+asperity, reproved the printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no
+nicknames in this court,"&mdash;-"Very well, <i>John Scott,</i>" was the reply.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXIV.&mdash;A CALCULATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">After</span> the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his
+papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to
+Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum:
+"Accepted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> by Bingley, set for, and thrown out of, the <i>North Briton</i>,
+21st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr><td align='left'>Lost by his death on this essay</td><td align='left'>&pound; 1</td><td align='left'>11</td><td align='left'>6</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Gained in elegies</td><td align='left'>2</td><td align='left'>2</td><td align='left'>0</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Gained in essays</td><td align='left'>3</td><td align='left'>3</td><td align='left'>0</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Am glad he is dead by</td><td align='left'>3</td><td align='left'>13</td><td align='left'>6."</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<p>Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously
+vindicated by Southey, in the <i>Quarterly Review</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXV.&mdash;ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">I would</span> not pay a coin to see<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An animal much larger;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Surely the mammoth horse must be<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Rather an <i>overcharger</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCXXVI.&mdash;NOTHING BUT HEBREW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Cantab</span> chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated
+some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with him.
+The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to
+share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand.
+This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his
+learning, as it proved to be in <i>Latin</i>. The Cantab immediately declined
+the offer by saying, "Sir, I read nothing but <i>Hebrew</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXVII.&mdash;A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one
+evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the
+butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye
+buy?" Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want
+anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's
+figure, exclaimed, "Only <i>say</i> you buy your meat of me, sir, and you
+will make my fortune."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXVIII.&mdash;QUID PRO QUO.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion,
+completely silenced by a horse-dealer. "Pray, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, you belong to a
+very honest profession?"&mdash;"I can't say so," replied the witness; "for,
+saving you <i>lawyers</i>, I think it the <i>most dishonest going</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXIX.&mdash;SERVANTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep <i>one</i>
+servant your work will be done; if you keep <i>two</i>, it will be half done;
+and if you keep <i>three</i>, you will have to do it yourself.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXX.&mdash;PLAIN ENOUGH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the
+presence of Foote, the latter said: "And why don't you lay claim to such
+an accomplished beauty?"&mdash;"What right have I to her?" exclaimed the
+gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied Foote; "every
+right, as the <i>first discoverer</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXXI.&mdash;A POSER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government
+House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was
+allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D&mdash;&mdash;,
+having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her
+steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out,
+and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D&mdash;&mdash;, with a stately air,
+"do you know who I am?"&mdash;"I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the
+immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint&mdash;you b'aint the <i>General's
+cow</i>." So Lady D&mdash;&mdash; wisely gave up the argument, and went the other
+way.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXXII.&mdash;TRUE CRITICISM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was
+asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. "I always give a candid
+one," said her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> guest, "where eating and drinking are concerned. <i>It is
+admirable stuff to catch flies</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXXIII.&mdash;ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance
+of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his
+command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the
+sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very unpopular among
+them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason
+they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &amp;c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor
+he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name of
+<i>grog</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXXIV.&mdash;WELL SAID.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his
+daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well; but she who
+does not marry, does better."&mdash;"Well then," said the young lady, "I will
+<i>do well</i>; let those who choose <i>do better</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXXV.&mdash;SLEEPING AT CHURCH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. South</span>, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the
+monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after
+snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: "Lord Lauderdale,
+let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will
+<i>awake the king</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXXVI.&mdash;SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron</span> notes: "What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage;
+for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally.
+Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and
+Moore, and I passed together, when <i>he</i> talked and we listened, without
+one yawn, from six to one in the morning."</p>
+
+<p>One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of
+that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and
+bewildered, and almost insensible.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span> The watchman asked, "Who are you,
+sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?"
+Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron
+notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?&mdash;and, to my mind, excellent. Poor
+fellow! <i>his</i> very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of
+others."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXXVII.&mdash;THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Villiers</span>, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one
+day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir
+Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing
+in the world."&mdash;"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is
+another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is
+that you will <i>live</i> a beggar, at the rate you go on."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXXVIII.&mdash;QUID PRO QUO.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A worthy</span> Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and
+universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in
+Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony,
+the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition
+wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on
+a steed of a different description, and passing near a Seceding
+meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual
+kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's
+come o' the auld Pyet?"&mdash;"He's deid, minister."&mdash;"Weel, he was an auld
+faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the
+Church?"&mdash;"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this
+allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he
+<i>turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast</i>." He then
+rode quietly away.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXXXIX.&mdash;CREDIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Among</span> the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's
+description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his
+tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> definition of timber, "an excrescence
+on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of
+debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is <i>respectable to be arrested</i>,
+because it shows that the party once had credit.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXL.&mdash;SEEING NOT BELIEVING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady's-maid</span> told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins
+together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they <i>kill you</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXLI.&mdash;SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A bon-vivant</span>, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine,
+after having been told that he could not in all human probability
+survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted
+the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said,
+with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I
+<i>live till nine</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXLII.&mdash;BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Though</span> upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men
+that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much
+as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years
+of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once
+dispersed the house, a circumstance which procured him the nickname of
+the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he
+was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is
+the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr.
+Burke <i>is up</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXLIII.&mdash;VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas,
+not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was
+speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you
+mean?"&mdash;"Dr. John Thomas."&mdash;"They are both named John."&mdash;"Dr. Thomas who
+has a living in the city."&mdash;"They have both livings in the city."&mdash;"Dr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span>
+Thomas who is chaplain to the king."&mdash;"They are both chaplains to the
+king."&mdash;"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."&mdash;"They are both good
+preachers."&mdash;"Dr. Thomas who squints."&mdash;"They both squint." They were
+afterwards both Bishops.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXLIV.&mdash;FORTUNATE STARS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">My</span> stars!" cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"What homage we nobles command in the world!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Some people</i> owe much to their <i>fortunate stars</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCXLV.&mdash;A NEW READING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Towards</span> the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was
+talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations
+of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace
+the following passage:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Tempus abire tibi est."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"&mdash;"I
+think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to
+it?"&mdash;"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be
+<i>bribe-isti</i> in your Horace."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXLVI.&mdash;QUITE AT EASE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span>, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend
+who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him;
+but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is
+hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and
+hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied,
+"Thank you, my lord: you know <i>the company</i> better than I do."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXLVII.&mdash;CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span> that he
+rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort.
+Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself.
+Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to
+rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief,
+"Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever <i>try a clean shirt</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXLVIII.&mdash;CLEARING EMIGRANTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his
+sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something
+more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so
+engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land,
+<i>trees and all</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXLIX.&mdash;PARLIAMENTARY CASE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bishop Andrews</span>, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall,
+was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James
+was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale,
+Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I
+take my subjects' <i>money</i> when I want it, without all this formality in
+Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "God forbid, sir, but you
+should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to
+the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"&mdash;"Sir,"
+replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary
+cases."&mdash;"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord;
+answer me presently."&mdash;"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for
+you to take my <i>brother Neale's money</i>, for he offers it."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCL.&mdash;OUTLINE OF AN AMBASSADOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
+to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether
+the French government had sent the <i>preliminaries</i> of a treaty,
+answered, "he did not know, but they had sent <i>the outline of an
+ambassador</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCLI.&mdash;NATURE AND ART.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A worthy</span> English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the
+Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye
+caught up the names of its&mdash;to him&mdash;unknown dishes: "Soupe &agrave; la
+flamande"&mdash;"Soupe &agrave; la Creci"&mdash;"Langue de B&#339;uf piqu&eacute;e"&mdash;"Pieds de
+Cochon &agrave; la Ste. M&eacute;n&eacute;hould"&mdash;"Pat&eacute;s de sanglier"&mdash;"Pat&eacute;s &agrave; la gel&eacute;e de
+volailles"&mdash;"Les cannelons de cr&egrave;me glac&eacute;e." It was too much for his
+simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried
+to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to <i>first
+principles</i>! Give us some beans and bacon!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLII.&mdash;A COMPARISON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,&mdash;the less
+they have in them, the <i>more noise</i> they make in pouring it out.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLIII.&mdash;THE SNUFF-BOX.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly
+admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather
+difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor
+Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer,
+and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness,
+"Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is <i>not
+an oyster</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLIV.&mdash;NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Plunket</span> is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the
+Irish Chancellorship, and his <i>supersedeas</i> by Lord Campbell. A violent
+tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend
+remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have
+made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it
+won't make him <i>throw up the seals</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLV.&mdash;A SEASONABLE JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Duncan's</span> address to the officers who came on board his ship for
+instructions previous to the engagement<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> with Admiral de Winter, was
+both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe <i>winter</i>
+approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a <i>good fire</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLVI.&mdash;GETTING A LIVING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the
+same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped
+over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his
+attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good
+living that falls to my disposal; had he <i>stopped</i> to have taken care of
+me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor
+similar to his own, or with a spirit that would <i>not stoop to flatter</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLVII.&mdash;GOOD EYES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a
+pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to <i>see</i>
+her talk."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLVIII.&mdash;INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A soldier</span>, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people
+running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can
+assure you nothing will be done <i>without me</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLIX.&mdash;A LAST RESOURCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Villiers</span>, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John
+Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what
+he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John.
+"That I can do," answered the duke, "when <i>I am ruined</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLX.&mdash;A DULL MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron</span> knew a dull man who lived on a <i>bon mot</i> of Moore's for a
+week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that
+the reciter was <i>guiltless</i> of understanding its point; but he could get
+no one to accept the bet.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXI.&mdash;WHITE TEETH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Professor Saunderson</span>, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the
+University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics,
+was <i>quite blind</i>. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked
+of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very <i>white teeth</i>.
+The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was
+very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the
+lady is not a <i>fool</i>, and I can think of no other motive for her
+laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXII.&mdash;A PLEASANT PARTNER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A farmer</span> having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who
+neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn,
+and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so
+useless a way, adding, "You had better do <i>something</i> with it, as you
+see I have done."&mdash;"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man
+has a right to do what he will with his own, and <i>you</i> have done so; but
+I have made up my mind about my part of the property,&mdash;I shall set it on
+fire."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXIII.&mdash;TWO CARRIAGES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy
+brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are
+to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a
+coach."&mdash;"Very true, miss," said the other, "and <i>you</i> are to consider
+that he likewise keeps a <i>dray</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXIV.&mdash;EXCUSABLE FEAR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A husband</span>, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by
+a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."&mdash;"It is not <i>she</i> I am afraid
+of," replied the husband, "it is <i>the noise</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXV.&mdash;COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Thelwall</span> and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> recess in the
+Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine
+place to <i>talk</i> treason in!"&mdash;"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is
+rather a place to make a man <i>forget</i> that there is any necessity for
+treason!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXVI.&mdash;A FLASH OF WIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span>, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a
+friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist:
+"Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His
+enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he
+talked rather too much; but now he has <i>occasional flashes of silence,
+that make his conversation perfectly delightful</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXVII.&mdash;LOST AND FOUND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly
+agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons
+were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always <i>finds 'em
+agin</i> the next day."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXVIII.&mdash;A MILITARY AXIOM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the
+expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when
+reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always <i>quarter</i> upon the enemy,
+my lads; always <i>quarter</i> upon the enemy."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXIX.&mdash;A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being
+much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great
+vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with
+great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"&mdash;"Faith," said the
+king, in a tone more <i>piano</i> than that of the orator, "nobody that is
+within the reach of <i>that fist of yours</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXX.&mdash;NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Thomas Brown</span> courted a lady for many years,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> but unsuccessfully,
+during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health
+before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a
+gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady,
+your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I
+cannot make her <i>Brown</i>, so I'll toast her no longer."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXI.&mdash;AN ODD NOTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service,
+inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"&mdash;"Please, ma'am, I don't
+<i>live nowhere</i> now," rejoined the girl; "<i>I am married</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXII.&mdash;A SURE TAKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend
+riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir,"
+replied the other, "I am riding <i>after my eighty-fourth year</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXIII.&mdash;MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Tierney</span>, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites
+had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington
+Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a
+like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the
+Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr.
+Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,&mdash;who left the <i>Fox</i> to go
+over to the <i>Goose</i>, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXIV.&mdash;DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">If</span> I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I
+would certainly by all means make him a <i>parson</i>." A clergyman who was
+in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from <i>your
+father</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXV.&mdash;ORTHOGRAPHY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> laird of M'N&mdash;&mdash;b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh
+coffee-house, when a friend observed that he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span> was setting at defiance
+the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed
+the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man <i>write grammar</i> with a pen
+like this?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXVI.&mdash;A SHORT JOURNEY.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Zounds</span>, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very
+phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."&mdash;"Well,
+you won't have <i>far to go</i>," said the phlegmatic man.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXVII.&mdash;LORD HOWE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Lord Howe</span>, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
+middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
+with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
+that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
+shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
+and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
+afraid, the fire is extinguished."&mdash;"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
+you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
+lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
+when he is afraid? I need not ask how <i>he looks</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXVIII.&mdash;RATHER ETHEREAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. John Wilkins</span> wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the
+possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle,
+who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him,
+"Doctor, where am I to bait at in the <i>upward</i> journey?"&mdash;"My lady,"
+replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected
+that question from you; who have built so many <i>castles in the air</i> that
+you might lie every night at one of <i>your own</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXIX.&mdash;HENRY VIII.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">This</span> monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to
+get another wife. His first offer was to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> the Duchess Dowager of Milan;
+but her answer was, "She had but <i>one</i> head; if she had <i>two</i>, one
+should have been at his service."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXX.&mdash;MELODRAMATIC HIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Burke's</span> was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of
+the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a
+joke from Sheridan.&mdash;"The gentleman has brought us the <i>knife</i>, but
+where is the <i>fork</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXXI.&mdash;A LONG ILLNESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span> in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of
+the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of
+a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two
+country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll,
+one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he;
+"but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a
+fever <i>these three weeks</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXXII.&mdash;DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">How</span> long is this loch?"</p>
+
+<p>"It will be about twanty mile."</p>
+
+<p>"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe it will be twelve."</p>
+
+<p>"It does not really seem more than four."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."</p>
+
+<p>"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."</p>
+
+<p>"Troth, I <i>canna say I do</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXXIII.&mdash;WHAT'S IN A NAME?</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after Lord &mdash;&mdash;'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors
+were often very ridiculous in the <i>titles</i> they gave. "That," said a
+distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns
+appear <i>not to be exempt</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXXIV.&mdash;TILLOTSON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Who</span> was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of
+the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more
+time upon it, it would not have been <i>so long</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXXV.&mdash;IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the
+love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach
+of promise," as the ink <i>fades away</i>, and leaves the sheet blank, in
+about four weeks after being written upon.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXXVI.&mdash;CHIN-SURVEYING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above
+the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain
+barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular
+settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account,
+carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to
+31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made
+some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer
+thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was
+readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches
+proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would
+measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s.
+1d.&mdash;being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of <i>chin-surveying</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXXVII.&mdash;CHANGING HATS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Barry</span> the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were
+extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were
+about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him.
+Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain
+one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by
+Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the
+truth, my dear Joey," answered<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span> Barry, "I fully expected assassination
+last night; and I was to have been known by <i>my laced hat</i>." Nollekens
+used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would
+call a true bill against Jem."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXXVIII.&mdash;POWDER WITHOUT BALL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Goodall</span>, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of
+Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst
+congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball
+during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused
+the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you
+see you can get the powder out of the <i>cannon</i>, but not the <i>ball</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCLXXXIX.&mdash;POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between
+his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging
+each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper
+prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I
+only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore,
+all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death
+to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures past,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The <i>greatest dunce</i> has killed your foe at last.'"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCXC.&mdash;OPPOSITE TEMPERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">General Sutton</span> was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir
+Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving
+him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me"; and
+continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again,
+"John, you cut me"; but as mildly as before: and soon after he had
+occasion to say it a third time; when Sutton, starting up in a rage,
+said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, "If
+Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John,
+<i>I'll knock you down</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCXCI.&mdash;A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A woman</span> having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her,
+proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The
+bystanders asked him if he was mad,&mdash;she could not have gone against the
+stream. The man answered, "She was <i>obstinate</i> and <i>contrary</i> in her
+life, and no doubt she was the <i>same at her death</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXCII.&mdash;A QUEER EXPRESSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A poor</span> but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of
+the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga,
+said, "Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, your gown is very short."&mdash;"It will be long enough,
+sir, before I get another," replied the student. The answer tickled the
+Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he
+met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was
+amusing him so much. "Why, that fellow &mdash;&mdash; said such a funny thing. I
+asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time
+before I get another.'"&mdash;"There's nothing very funny in that."&mdash;"Well,
+no," replied the other, "there is not, after all. But <i>it was the way he
+said it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXCIII.&mdash;AN IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored
+Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at
+rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having
+casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, "That's
+true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how <i>short the days are</i> at
+this time of the year."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXCIV.&mdash;A PARTICIPATION IN A PRACTICAL JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his
+severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of
+his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his
+hands and coat very much with the tar; and, being greatly enraged, he
+sent for one most suspected to be the author. This the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span> lad utterly
+denied; but said, "Truly, I did it not; but if you please, I can tell
+you who had <i>a hand in it</i>." Here they thought to have found out the
+truth, and asked him who. The lad answered, "<i>Your worship, sir</i>"; which
+caused him to be dismissed with great applause for his ingenuity.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXCV.&mdash;INGRATITUDE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord B&mdash;&mdash; died, a person met an old man who was one of his most
+intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was
+trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not
+affect me so much as his horrible ingratitude. Would you believe it? he
+died without leaving me anything in his will,&mdash;I, who have <i>dined with
+him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXCVI.&mdash;A PREFIX.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the
+administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met
+him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the
+crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of
+his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their
+titles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself
+<i>Silly-Bubb</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXCVII.&mdash;A GOOD MIXTURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order
+to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with <i>brains</i>, sir!"
+was his answer.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXCVIII.&mdash;SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman <i>patera</i>, or goblet,
+in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I
+purchased this" (says he) "at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous
+sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an
+antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However,
+I was almost consoled for the bitter<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span> price it cost by the amusement I
+derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to
+purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the
+antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the <i>patera</i> this
+good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated
+astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone
+which I shall never forget,&mdash;'Five-an-twenty guineas! <i>If the
+parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for</i>!'"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCXCIX.&mdash;HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Horne Tooke</span> having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and
+Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it
+my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of
+his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it
+may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in
+my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that <i>you shall
+have no ground</i> to complain of my endeavors to serve you."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCC.&mdash;A LITERARY RENDERING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding
+visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room,
+and no doubt used the Scotticism, "<i>Carry</i> any ladies that call up
+stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show
+his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together,
+and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there
+till <i>I come for ye</i>," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances,
+ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this
+unwonted fashion.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCI.&mdash;TEMPERANCE CRUETS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club,
+restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was
+designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William
+Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man,
+observing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span> Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with
+contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those
+<i>life-preservers</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCII.&mdash;DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUCUMBER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Glynn</span>, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in
+attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty
+of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating <i>cucumber</i>, of which she
+was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for
+dressing them: "Peel the cucumber," said the doctor, "with great care;
+then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and
+then&mdash;<i>throw it away</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCIII.&mdash;"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Captain Innes</span> of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his
+contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of
+those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding
+officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new
+one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith
+there'll soon be mair <i>hats</i> nor <i>heads</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCIV.&mdash;SEVERE REBUKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir William B.</span> being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were
+objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer,
+"do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges
+in each university?"&mdash;"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I
+had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the
+<i>more he sucked</i> the <i>greater calf</i> he grew."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCV.&mdash;HORSES TO GRASS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on
+the following terms:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week.<br />
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span> that the
+horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while
+eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads
+<i>from the manger</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCVI.&mdash;INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied
+Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambac&egrave;res, one of the most
+distinguished statesmen and <i>gourmets</i> of the time of Napoleon. In the
+course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly
+<i>recherch&eacute;</i> dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very
+good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very
+good, but I really do not care what I eat."&mdash;"Don't care what you eat!"
+exclaimed Cambac&egrave;res, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what
+<i>did</i> you come here for, then!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCVII.&mdash;VERY TRUE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">All</span> that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is
+<i>confidence</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCVIII.&mdash;A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Jew</span>, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and
+was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When
+informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the
+cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why
+he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he
+could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the <i>other</i> gentleman's clothes."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCIX.&mdash;ST. PETER A BACHELOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is
+reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new
+foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed
+to <i>Peter and Mary's</i>; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr.
+Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too
+long a <i>bachelor</i> to think of a female companion in his old days."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCCX.&mdash;TRUE OF BOTH.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I swear</span>," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very
+handsome."&mdash;"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not
+think so."&mdash;"And so you would <i>think</i>," answered he, "though I should
+not <i>say so</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXI.&mdash;A POSER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lecturer</span>, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a
+lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do
+when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't
+you?"&mdash;"O no!" replied the little one, "<i>we let out the tucks</i>!" The
+doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXII.&mdash;VERY APPROPRIATE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A facetious</span> old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much
+time in hunting and shooting, styled them <i>Nimrod</i> and <i>Ramrod</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXIII.&mdash;A BAD JUDGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Upon</span> the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of
+Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord
+Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little
+stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red;
+nearly as red as you, <i>Hill</i>!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret
+complexion.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXIV.&mdash;WHITE HANDS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said,
+"Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as
+usual."&mdash;"<i>Put on your gloves</i>, madam," replied the butcher, "and you
+will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home
+immediately.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXV.&mdash;TRUE TO THE LETTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs
+no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span> but there is no
+employment which requires such constant <i>application</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXVI.&mdash;SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scott</span> is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical
+knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth,"
+which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former
+title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the
+kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that
+Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his
+suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and
+down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am <i>all but</i> the author of the
+Waverley Novels!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXVII.&mdash;TRUE PHILOSOPHY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Le Sage</span>, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his
+deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a
+great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my
+pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, <i>I defy</i> you all.'"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXVIII.&mdash;ANSWERED AT ONCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is <i>the
+price</i> of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily
+from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a
+dozen!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXIX.&mdash;A DEADLY WEAPON.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Well</span>, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have
+<i>mauled</i> my antagonist to some purpose?"&mdash;"O yes," replied a listener,
+"you have,&mdash;and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines,
+I'll borrow <i>your jaw-bone</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXX.&mdash;EQUALITY OF THE LAW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following cannot be omitted from a <i>Jest Book</i>, although somewhat
+lengthy:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span> took
+place.&mdash;Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not
+be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife
+took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen
+her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice
+Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you
+did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you
+did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action
+against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would
+have cost you about &pound;100. When you had recovered substantial damages
+against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the
+Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce <i>&agrave; mensa atque thoro</i>. That would
+have cost you &pound;200 or &pound;300 more. When you had obtained a divorce <i>&agrave;
+mensa atque thoro</i>, you would have had to appear by counsel before the
+House of Lords for a divorce <i>&agrave; vinculo matrimonii</i>. The bill might have
+been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and
+altogether you would have had to spend about &pound;1000 or &pound;1200. You will
+probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in
+the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a
+British judge, it is my duty to tell you that <i>this is not a country in
+which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXI.&mdash;OPEN CONFESSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a
+widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for
+<i>delirium tremens</i>, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses
+were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not
+addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers,
+the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who
+closed his evidence by describing a case of <i>delirium tremens</i> treated
+by him, in which the patient <i>recovered in a single night</i>. "It was,"
+said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, <i>sipping all day</i>, from
+morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr.
+Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, <i>that is my case</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXII.&mdash;QUITE PROFESSIONAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A comedian</span>, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at
+the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the
+church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in
+the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of
+him. Poor fellow! he has <i>drawn a full house</i>, though, to the end."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXIII.&mdash;ON DR. LETTSOM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> anybody comes to I,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If after that they like to die,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Why, what care I, I Lettsom.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXIV.&mdash;EQUITABLE LAW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A rich</span> man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of
+fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a
+portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share
+of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the
+will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for
+the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain
+for ourselves the other nine."&mdash;"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth
+part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he
+is to have what part '<i>pleaseth you</i>.'"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXV.&mdash;IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to
+the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty
+never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"&mdash;"O, kings never does; we lets
+'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye,"
+says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found
+nobody to <i>pay the turnpike for him</i>." Tom Moore told this story to Sir
+Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits.
+"Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us:
+there was no want of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span> enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done
+anything in the world for his majesty, except <i>pay the turnpike</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXVI.&mdash;RUNNING ACCOUNTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore
+told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him
+the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was
+desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages
+are <i>running on</i>."&mdash;"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am
+afraid they are <i>running</i> so fast, that I shall never <i>catch</i> them."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXVII.&mdash;ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Bloomfield</span>, thy happy-omened name<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ensures continuance to thy fame;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Both sense and truth this verdict give.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While <i>fields</i> shall <i>bloom</i>, thy name shall live!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXVIII.&mdash;SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Scotch</span> pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with
+great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The
+robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had
+experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that
+the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the
+hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him,"
+said one of the rogues: "if he had had <i>eighteen-pence</i> I suppose he
+would have <i>killed</i> the whole of us."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXIX.&mdash;IRISH IMPRUDENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was
+attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic
+Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted
+the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a
+message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a
+gracious reception from the great<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> man, who praised his loyalty and
+courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to
+be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a
+moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a
+<i>Scotchman</i> of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my
+gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the
+<i>mal-apropos</i> hit, replied, "Make a <i>Scotchman</i> of <i>you</i>, sir! that's
+impossible, for I can't give you <i>prudence</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXX.&mdash;THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Earl of P&mdash;&mdash; kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and
+crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered
+round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to
+see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a
+large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs
+for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got
+but one <i>silver spoon</i> among them all."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXXI.&mdash;A FALSE FACE TRUE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">That</span> there is <i>falsehood</i> in his looks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I must and will deny;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They say their master is a knave:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And sure <i>they do not lie</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXXII.&mdash;A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do
+something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of
+gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair
+which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones
+shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for <i>us and our heirs</i>
+for ever."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXXIII.&mdash;THE SAFE SIDE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their
+houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "<i>No
+Popery</i>!" Old Grimaldi,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid
+all mistakes, wrote on his, "<i>No Religion</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXXIV.&mdash;VISIBLY LOSING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully
+Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate,
+appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a
+very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was
+struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in
+the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he
+met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry!
+why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."&mdash;"Alas! Egan, it is but
+too visible that you're losing <i>tallow</i> (Tallagh) fast!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXXV.&mdash;REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Harry</span>, I cannot think," says Dick,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"What makes my ankles grow so thick."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"You do not recollect," says Harry,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"<i>How great a calf</i> they have to carry."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXXVI.&mdash;ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Erasmus</span>, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was
+entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the <i>errors</i> of Luther. "My lord,"
+answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken,
+and nothing more difficult than to <i>prove</i> him so."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXXVII.&mdash;SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took
+great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been
+directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity.
+"<i>But</i>," said Sheridan, "<i>what his Royal Highness more particularly
+prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXXVIII.&mdash;FAIRLY WON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span> (better known by
+his <i>nom-de-plume</i> of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was
+enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow,
+D&mdash;&mdash;, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when,
+looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart,
+and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."&mdash;"Go thy
+way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way,
+and&mdash;&mdash;"&mdash;"The pie's <i>yours</i>, sir!" exclaimed D&mdash;&mdash;, placing it before
+the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXXXIX.&mdash;A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed
+at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to
+greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At
+last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at
+least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he
+roared into the ear of the postilion: "<i>Westmoreland, Cumberland,
+Northumberland, Durham</i>!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous
+threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXL.&mdash;ON THE FOUR GEORGES.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">George</span> the First was always reckoned<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Vile,&mdash;but viler, George the Second;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And what mortal ever heard<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Any good of George the Third?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When from earth the Fourth descended,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">God be praised, the Georges ended.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXLI.&mdash;WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hopkins</span> once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and
+having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door.
+"I want my umbrella."&mdash;"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go
+to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an
+umbrella?"&mdash;"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as <i>I</i>
+did, <i>borrow one</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXLII.&mdash;WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Althorp</span>, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the
+House of Commons a vote of &pound;400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon
+of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties
+of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the
+Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question
+from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger
+went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"&mdash;"An
+archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an
+ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with
+this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought
+to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop
+himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such
+answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a
+saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days,
+who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and
+when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account
+of its <i>lavendric</i> properties."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXLIII.&mdash;"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S DAY,
+1787."</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> City-feast inverted here we find,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For Pitt had his <i>dessert</i> before he dined.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXLIV.&mdash;LATIMER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated
+at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the
+Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by
+younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the
+<i>fathers</i>, said, "I cannot talk for my <i>religion</i>, but I am ready to die
+for it."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXLV.&mdash;EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A braggart</span> ran away from battle, and gave as a reason,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span> that a friend
+had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he
+attained the age of <i>one hundred</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXLVI.&mdash;A NEW IDEA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one
+of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the
+Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only
+there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not
+distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long)
+<i>ide-a</i>. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek
+derivation."&mdash;"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes
+from the word <i>ideaowski</i>."&mdash;"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"&mdash;"It
+is the <i>feminine</i> of idiot, madam!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXLVII&mdash;THE POOR CURATE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">For</span> the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But the Curate you'll find <i>living hard</i> by the church.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXLVIII.&mdash;NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Godfrey Kneller</span> and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and
+were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the
+doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it.
+Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent
+to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his
+rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but <i>paint</i>
+it."&mdash;"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I
+will <i>take anything from him, except physic</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXLIX.&mdash;A HEAVY WEIGHT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Douglas</span>, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in
+height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered
+about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering
+bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span> "<i>or I
+will roll upon you</i>." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed
+the following epigram:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">That the stones of our chapel are both black and white,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is most undeniably true;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's a wonder they're not <i>black and blue</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCL.&mdash;A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gibbon</span>, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren
+Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there,
+took occasion to mention "the luminous author of <i>The Decline and
+Fall</i>." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with
+flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You
+called him the luminous author."&mdash;"Luminous! Oh, I meant <i>vo</i>luminous!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLI.&mdash;"SINKING" THE WELL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span> once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What
+are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer.
+"Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite
+wrong; remember the old proverb,&mdash;'Let <i>well</i> alone.'"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLII.&mdash;ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">In</span> reading his name it may truly be said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You will make that man <i>dy</i> if you cut off his <i>Hed</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCLIII.&mdash;THE WAY TO KEW.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hook</span>, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says:
+"One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given <i>C A
+B</i> to find <i>Q</i>. <i>Answer</i>: Take your <i>C A B</i> through Hammersmith, turn to
+the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before
+you."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLIV.&mdash;ABOVE PROOF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> East-India Governor having died abroad, his body<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span> was put in arrack,
+to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship
+being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all
+in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow
+appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The
+captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell
+from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out,
+"Why, please your honor, I <i>tapped the Governor</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLV.&mdash;AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mathews</span> once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a
+dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days";
+the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend
+asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a shilling!" was the
+reply. "Not a shilling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why,
+didn't you go there <i>to star</i>?"&mdash;"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful
+mournfulness; "but they spell it with a <i>ve</i> in Wakefield."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLVI.&mdash;MISS WILBERFORCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable
+and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of
+the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was
+saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce <i>for ever</i>!" when she pleasantly
+observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for
+really, I do not wish to be <i>Miss Wilberforce for ever</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLVII.&mdash;WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Why</span> should we explain, that the times are so bad,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Pursuing a querulous strain?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When Erin gives up all the rights that she had,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">What <i>right has she left to complain</i>?<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCLVIII.&mdash;A COOL PROPOSITION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one
+of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's;
+whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very
+modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to
+know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast
+at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being
+but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray
+oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him
+in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,&mdash;say you
+are bringing with you the <i>cool of the evening</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLIX.&mdash;A PROPER NAME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the
+purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman
+asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much
+identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of
+performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything
+you attempt, suppose you call it <i>Abbatoir</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLX.&mdash;THE GRANDSON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Horace Walpole</span>, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same
+indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen
+Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third.
+"But," added he, "there is nothing new under the <i>sun</i>!"&mdash;"No," said
+George Selwyn, "nor under the <i>grand-son</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXI.&mdash;AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A well-fed</span> rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to
+Providence, and be satisfied with his <i>lot</i>. "Ah!" replied the needy
+man, "I should be satisfied with his <i>lot</i> if I had it, but I can't get
+even a <i>little</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXII.&mdash;TO LADY, MOUNT E&mdash;&mdash;, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">O dry</span> that tear so round and big,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nor waste in sighs your precious wind;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Death only takes <i>a single pig</i>&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Your <i>lord and son</i> are still behind.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXIII.&mdash;NATURAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Smith</span>, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she
+snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite
+innocently; "I never <i>lay awake</i> long enough to diskiver."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXIV.&mdash;BROTHERLY LOVE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to
+be near his brother, who was a corporal <i>in the 76th</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXV.&mdash;A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Moore</span> having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his
+proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of
+<i>The Gamester</i>. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of
+the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so
+affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's
+distress in the last act?"&mdash;"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend
+to <i>put them into the Ecclesiastical Court</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXVI.&mdash;CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Taxes</span> are equal is a dogma which<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Taxation <i>hardly presses</i> on the rich,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And likewise <i>presses hardly</i> on the poor."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXVII.&mdash;THE BEST WINE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of
+<i>other people</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXVIII.&mdash;A VALUABLE BEAVER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A grand</span> entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of
+the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out
+to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to
+the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said:
+"Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"&mdash;"Why did
+you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined
+Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to <i>your
+Beaver</i>" (Belvoir).</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXIX.&mdash;SOMETHING TO POCKET.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A diminutive</span> lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked
+by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied
+that he was an attorney,&mdash;"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put
+you in my pocket."&mdash;"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if
+you do, you will have more law in your <i>pocket</i> than ever you had in
+your <i>head</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXX.&mdash;UP AND DOWN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size
+as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of
+Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same
+case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
+acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
+motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses
+the court, he must stand."&mdash;"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said
+Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat
+confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."&mdash;"I <i>am sitting</i>, my lord," was the
+reply to the confounded Chancellor.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXI.&mdash;A POOR SUBSTITUTE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the
+former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While
+seated at the table of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span> a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked
+him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am <i>when I can't get cream</i>,"
+was the ready reply.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXII.&mdash;OUT OF SPIRITS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Is</span> my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As her voice of a tempest gave warning.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"For she <i>finished</i> the bottle this morning."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXIII.&mdash;GOOD AT THE HALT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Peter Macnally</span>, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had
+an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time
+of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the
+different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers
+was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend,
+these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the
+lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."&mdash;"You follow the camp, my little
+limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never
+can be a disciplinarian."&mdash;"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally.
+"For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march,
+you would <i>halt</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXIV.&mdash;AN EASY WAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy
+way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and
+cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you
+leave all the <i>uneasiness</i> to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it
+not enough that one should be sorry for what <i>neither of you can help</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXV.&mdash;ERUDITE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> had a favorite lapdog, which she called <i>Perchance</i>. "A singular
+name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find
+it?"&mdash;"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember
+where he says, '<i>Perchance</i> my dog will howl.'"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXVI.&mdash;VERY EASY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must,
+however, mortify ourselves <i>a little</i>."&mdash;"Well," replied the other, "let
+us make our <i>servants fast</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXVII.&mdash;A WINNER AT CARDS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully
+situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered,
+"To a <i>card-maker</i>."&mdash;"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all
+that man's <i>cards</i> must have been <i>trumps</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXVIII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> charity of Closefist give to fame,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He has at last <i>subscribed</i>&mdash;how much?&mdash;<i>his name</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXIX.&mdash;AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative
+of <i>Glo'ster</i> was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was
+found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as
+the scene where <i>Glo'ster had his eyes put out</i>, when he came to a stand
+still, and was obliged to beg permission to <i>read</i> the rest of the part.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXX.&mdash;SMALL TALK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Fuseli</span> had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting
+perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald
+disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one
+another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature,
+he suddenly exclaimed, "<i>We had pork for dinner to-day</i>."&mdash;"Dear me! Mr.
+Fuseli, what an odd remark."&mdash;"Why, it is <i>as good</i> as anything you have
+been saying for <i>the last hour</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXXI.&mdash;RATHER FEROCIOUS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">As</span> Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was
+interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span> I," said he, indignantly, "to be
+teased by the barking of this <i>jackal</i> while I am attacking the royal
+<i>tiger</i> of Bengal?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXXII.&mdash;ONLY FOR LIFE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Spanish</span> Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said
+with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your
+life," answered by asking, "And for how <i>many lives</i> does your Grace
+hold yours?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXXIII.&mdash;AN OUTLINE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
+to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether
+the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered,
+he did not know, but they had sent "the <i>outline of an ambassador</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXXIV.&mdash;ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">On</span> Waterloo's ensanguined plain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Full many a gallant man lies slain;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But none, by bullet or by shot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXXV.&mdash;UGLY TRADES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
+grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
+with a great deal of enjoyment.&mdash;D.J.</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXXVI.&mdash;A GOOD CHARACTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with
+respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed <i>afraid</i> of
+work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently <i>lie
+down</i> and fall asleep by the very <i>side of it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXXVII.&mdash;SENSIBILITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A keen</span> sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span> when any noise was
+made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who
+accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my
+heart, sir, your <i>cough</i> was better."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXXVIII.&mdash;PATIENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke
+happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit
+down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke,
+happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the
+Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the
+commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not
+think much of it; but there is so much <i>propriety</i> in putting a volume
+upon <i>patience</i> in the room where every visitor has to wait for your
+Grace, that <i>here</i> it must be considered as one of the <i>best books in
+the world</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCLXXXIX.&mdash;WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>Quest.</i> <span class="smcap">Why</span> is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>Ans.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Because it is a slender thing of wood,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That up and down its awkward arm doth sway,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i3">In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXC.&mdash;NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Archdeacon Paley</span> was in very high spirits when he was presented to his
+first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just
+after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely,
+"Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another
+behind some <i>curate</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXCI.&mdash;A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you
+tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the
+piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If
+you'll<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a></span> send your lad to my office, I'll return the <i>three and
+four-pence</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXCII.&mdash;A MAN OF METAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Edwin James</span>, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He
+answered, "A dealer in old iron."&mdash;"Then," said the counsel, "you must
+of course be a thief."&mdash;"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a
+dealer in <i>iron</i> must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in
+<i>brass</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXCIII.&mdash;SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Be</span> less prolix," says Grill. I like advice.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Grill, you're an ass!" Now, surely, that's concise.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXCIV.&mdash;A DROP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dean Swift</span> was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the
+antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too
+freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with
+De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished;
+"And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece
+of that <i>D&mdash;umpling</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXCV.&mdash;ERROR IN JUDGMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person.
+"It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for
+he says that you are a charlatan."&mdash;"O," replied the other, "I think it
+very likely that <i>both of us</i> may be mistaken."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXCVI.&mdash;THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">A mechanic</span> his labor will often discard,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">If the rate of his pay he dislikes:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But a clock&mdash;and its case is uncommonly hard&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Will continue to work though it <i>strikes</i>!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCCCXCVII.&mdash;THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A youth</span> had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span> rich friend, who had
+concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the
+youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to
+borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not
+<i>deceive</i> me twice."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXCVIII.&mdash;A SPEAKING CANVAS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they
+never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True,"
+answered he; "for the best will always <i>praise</i> themselves."</p>
+
+<h4>MCCCXCIX.&mdash;INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span>, writing in the <i>Edinburgh Review</i>, says, "If the English
+were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to
+<i>dig</i> and <i>plough</i>, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the
+<i>better for it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCD.&mdash;OCULAR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Taylor</span> says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married
+a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the
+conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances
+he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."&mdash;"No wonder,"
+said I, "you were fond of a <i>Leer</i> when you married an <i>Ogle</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDI.&mdash;ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE REGENT
+AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Ye</span> politicians, tell me, pray,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Why thus with woe and care rent?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This is the worst that you can say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Some wind has blown the wig away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And left the <i>Hair Apparent</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDII.&mdash;AN APT REPROOF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Wesley</span>, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in
+the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span> Governor of Georgia, with whom he
+sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General
+immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met
+with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I
+drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this
+villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on
+board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand
+and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The
+rascal should have taken care how he used me, for <i>I never
+forgive</i>."&mdash;"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him,
+"<i>you never sin</i>." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and
+putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he
+threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave
+better for the future."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDIII.&mdash;THE LAME BEGGAR.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">I am</span> unable," yonder beggar cries,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"To <i>stand or move</i>." If he says true, he <i>lies</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDIV.&mdash;HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Holland</span>, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral
+ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a
+snug family vault we have made here."&mdash;"<i>Family vault</i>!" said Foote,
+with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family
+<i>oven</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDV.&mdash;PRETTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hope</span> is the dream of those who are awake.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDVI.&mdash;NOT IMPROBABLE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked
+by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and
+crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the
+attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs
+lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied,
+"<i>Perhaps they took no physic</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCDVII.&mdash;SOUGHT AND FOUND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Three</span> conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along
+the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a
+mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one;
+"Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob,"
+cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the
+old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his
+father's <i>asses</i>, and lo! here I have found them."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDVIII.&mdash;NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Pray</span>, does it always rain in this hanged place,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">"No, please your grace,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Cried Boniface,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">With some grimace,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"<i>Sometimes it snows</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDIX.&mdash;A REMARKABLE ECHO.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A certain</span> Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late
+Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr.
+Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his
+charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its
+lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lordship hear a
+remarkable <i>echo in the court</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDX.&mdash;A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor,
+and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom
+she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have
+I not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied,
+with downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you
+not allied yourself to about the worst performer in my
+company?"&mdash;"Exactly so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call
+<i>him</i> an actor."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCDXI.&mdash;A PERTINENT QUESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Franklin</span> was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of
+atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by
+another, "What is the <i>use</i> of a new-born infant?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXII.&mdash;A SOPORIFIC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A prosy</span> orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his
+speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should
+never quarrel with <i>the effect</i> of his own medicine."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXIII.&mdash;THE AMENDE HONORABLE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Quoth</span> Will, "On that young servant-maid<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">My heart its life-string stakes."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">She pays for <i>all she breaks</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDXIV.&mdash;ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A painter</span>, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to
+represent two men,&mdash;one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had
+lost one. He painted the former with a <i>shirt on</i>, and the latter
+<i>naked</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXV.&mdash;MILITARY ELOQUENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of
+the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his
+soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows,
+go and <i>clothe</i> yourselves."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXVI.&mdash;CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy.
+During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before
+him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and
+whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his
+conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"&mdash;"Suppose I do; what of
+that? If your Highness of York wishes to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span> well, let me tell you,"
+added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in
+his campaigns, <i>cut off the supplies</i>, and the enemy will quickly leave
+the citadel."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXVII.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> proverb says, and no one e'er disputes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Nature the shoulder to the burden suits";<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDXVIII.&mdash;A FOWL JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A City</span> policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the <i>hens</i> (<i>N</i>)
+division. "Do you mean in the <i>Poultry</i>?" asked the Judge.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXIX.&mdash;AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Irish</span> Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On
+one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was
+his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards
+in London, and talking of his <i>great expenses</i>, he asked the ex-Master
+of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his
+last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a <i>fortnight</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXX.&mdash;OLD FRIENDS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Coleman</span>, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes,"
+replied the wit; "<i>Hook</i> and <i>eye</i> are old associates."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXI.&mdash;A REASON.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">I wish</span> you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you
+there," was the answer. "Why?"&mdash;"Because I never wish <i>to see you
+again</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXII.&mdash;HONOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large
+sum of money as a reward to him who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span> should first drive a fascine into a
+ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers
+offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "<i>We
+should have all offered</i>," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money
+<i>had not been set as the price of this action</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXIII.&mdash;JUST AS WONDERFUL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you
+ever see a <i>cat-fish</i>?"&mdash;"No," was the response, "but I've seen a
+<i>rope-walk</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXIV.&mdash;CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Well</span>, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a
+friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."&mdash;"Just
+like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"&mdash;"<i>My
+wife</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXV.&mdash;QUESTION ANSWERED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">That</span> idiot W&mdash;&mdash; coming out of the Opera one night, called out, "Where
+is my fellow?"&mdash;"<i>Not in England</i>, I'll swear," said a bystander.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXVI.&mdash;VERY LIKELY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "<i>Cheap</i>
+defence of nations," replied, "A midshipman's <i>half-pay</i>,&mdash;nothing a-day
+and find yourself."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXVII.&mdash;INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Died</span> suddenly,&mdash;surprised at such a rarity!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Verdict,&mdash;Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDXXVIII.&mdash;A GRUNT.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Doctor</span>, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother
+very entertaining."&mdash;"Sir," said Johnson, "<i>I can wait</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXIX.&mdash;ONE FAULT.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">She</span> is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span> of one well
+known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her <i>only</i>
+defect."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXX.&mdash;TO THE "COMING" MAN.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Smart</span> waiter, be contented with thy state,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The world is his who best knows how to wait.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDXXXI.&mdash;NOTHING TO BOAST OF.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">The</span> British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun
+never sets."&mdash;"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the
+<i>tax-gatherer</i> never goes to bed."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXXII.&mdash;COLONIAL BREWERIES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">What</span> two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event
+more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its
+<i>first brewhouse?</i>&mdash;S.S.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXXIII.&mdash;A CLOSER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door
+of a house, "Let <i>nothing</i> enter here but what is <i>good</i>."&mdash;"Then where
+will <i>the master</i> go in?" asked a cynic.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXXIV.&mdash;THE FOOL OR KNAVE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Thy</span> praise or dispraise is to me alike;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One doth not <i>stroke</i> me, nor the other <i>strike</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDXXXV.&mdash;KNOWING HIS MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his
+way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day,
+said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"&mdash;"No," replied the
+baron; "whom did <i>he rob</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXXVI.&mdash;A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad
+causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many <i>good</i> ones,
+that I am quite at a loss which to take."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXXVII.&mdash;SELF-APPLAUSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they
+are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for
+approbation.&mdash;S.S.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXXVIII.&mdash;A WOODEN JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Burke</span> said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy <i>oak</i> at Westminster, and a
+<i>willow</i> at St James's."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXXXIX.&mdash;AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A scholar</span> having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a
+tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him.
+"Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the
+<i>tide</i> tarrieth for no man."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXL.&mdash;THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A dramatic</span> author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as
+reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more
+terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and <i>hear
+it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXLI.&mdash;ALL THE SAME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty,
+as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and
+thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book
+him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing
+intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places
+left, so I booked you <i>one in</i> and <i>one out</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXLII.&mdash;THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">I shall</span> not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of
+the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come,"
+said he, "for your good&mdash;<i>for all your goods</i>."&mdash;"A universal
+principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other
+truths, only <i>told by mistake</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCDXLIII.&mdash;DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD'S IVORY OPERA PASS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Shield</span>, while the supplicating poor<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Ask thee for <i>meat</i> with piteous moans;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">More humble I approach thy door,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And beg for nothing but thy <i>bones</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDXLIV.&mdash;COOKING HIS GOOSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the
+awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his
+tailor's <i>fault</i>."&mdash;"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his <i>misfortune</i>
+too!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXLV.&mdash;TAKE WARNING!</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A barrister</span> who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to
+claim the <i>coat</i> upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit,
+he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my <i>coat</i>, I should, too
+late, find that I was deprived of my <i>waistcoat</i> also."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXLVI.&mdash;"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hood</span> says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its <i>broad brim</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXLVII.&mdash;CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. A&mdash;&mdash;</span>, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the
+landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges
+were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I <i>pass</i>
+this account; if I live, I'll <i>examine it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXLVIII.&mdash;ON A SQUINTING POETESS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> no <i>one</i> muse does she her glance confine,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But has an eye, at once, to <i>all the nine</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDXLIX.&mdash;A NEAT SUGGESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Welsh</span> judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his
+neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As
+you have asked the Ministry<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span> for everything else, ask them for a piece
+of <i>soap</i> and a <i>nailbrush</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDL.&mdash;SCOTCH "WUT."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well
+into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that
+inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in
+the North, and which, under the name of <i>Wut</i>, is so infinitely
+distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated
+intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love
+metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance
+in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my
+lord, is very true of love in the <i>aibstract</i>, but&mdash;&mdash;" Here the
+fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLI.&mdash;WHERE IT CAME FROM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face
+and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the
+glass, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get
+<i>such a nose</i> as this?"&mdash;"Out of the <i>decanter, madam</i>," replied the
+doctor.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLII.&mdash;QUIN AND CHARLES I.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span> sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of
+Charles I.,&mdash;"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?"
+Quin replied, "By all the <i>laws</i> that he had <i>left them</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLIII.&mdash;TIMELY FLATTERY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was
+between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch,
+madam, makes us <i>remember</i> the hours, and you make us <i>forget</i> them."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLIV.&mdash;EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> gull the public two contractors come,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One pilfers corn,&mdash;the other cheats in rum.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A rogue in <i>spirit</i>, or a rogue in <i>grain</i>?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDLV.&mdash;TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A traveller</span>, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone <i>through
+Euclid</i>, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a <i>small village</i>
+between Wigan and Preston.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLVI.&mdash;AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Frenchman</span>, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of
+saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress
+was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is
+de <i>pink</i> of beauty."&mdash;"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always
+flatter."&mdash;"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world
+will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de <i>drab</i> of
+fashion."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLVII.&mdash;A CLOSE TRANSLATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B&mdash;&mdash;, a translator of
+Juvenal, said, "What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of
+your translation is, that <i>in places where I do not understand Juvenal,
+I likewise do not understand you</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLVIII.&mdash;NEW RELATIONSHIP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A stranger</span> to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
+expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are
+brothers,&mdash;<i>brothers-in-law</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLIX.&mdash;ONLY A NINEPIN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of
+boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were
+facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus
+designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of
+Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm,
+which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox,
+entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of
+Sheridan what the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span> House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence,"
+replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of <i>Lord Lonsdale's
+ninepins</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLX.&mdash;DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE
+COMPOSER.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Son</span> of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones),<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And for to-morrow's <i>treat</i> pray send thy <i>bones</i>!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDLXI.&mdash;DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was
+present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was
+referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion
+that the lower animals have an "immortal part," familiarly remarked to
+the doctor, "Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know
+what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True,
+sir; and when we see a very foolish <i>fellow</i>, we don't know what to
+think of <i>him</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXII.&mdash;A PROFESSIONAL AIM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the
+other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that
+had his friend been engaged with a <i>client</i> he would very probably have
+<i>hit his pocket</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXIII.&mdash;FLYING COLORS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Godfrey Kneller</span> latterly painted more for profit than for praise,
+and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors,
+which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend,
+noticing it to him, said, "What do you think posterity will say, Sir
+Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?"&mdash;"Say!"
+replied the artist: "why, they'll say Sir Godfrey Kneller <i>never</i>
+painted them!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXIV.&mdash;AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A pompous</span> fellow made a very inadequate offer for a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span> valuable property;
+and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he
+had <i>entertained his proposition</i>. "No," replied the other, "your
+proposition <i>entertained me</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXV.&mdash;UNION OF OPPOSITES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A phrenologist</span> remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and
+benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, "that
+doubtless those were the persons <i>who would kill one with kindness</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXVI.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On &mdash;&mdash;'s Veracity.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">He</span> boasts about the truth I've heard,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And vows he'd never break it;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Why, zounds, a man <i>must</i> keep his word<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">When nobody will take it.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDLXVII.&mdash;AN UNTAXED LUXURY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax
+on "<i>the single state</i>"; "Yes, madam," rejoined an obstinate old
+bachelor, "as on all other <i>luxuries</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXVIII.&mdash;A DEAR SPEAKER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Soon</span> after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on
+the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his
+maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: "And now, <i>my dear</i> Mr.
+Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had
+subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was
+perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days <i>everything
+is dear</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXIX.&mdash;ABSURDLY LOGICAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A mad</span> Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and
+is, therefore, of <i>greater</i> importance than any other <i>mad person</i> of
+the same degree in life.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXX.&mdash;PROOF POSITIVE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A chemist</span> asserted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a
+gentleman present, "there is a <i>bitter</i> cold day."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXI.&mdash;PLAYER, OR LORD.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general
+murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not
+distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity
+'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should <i>be a player</i>!"
+Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied: "Why! what
+would your lordship have me be?&mdash;a lord?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXII.&mdash;IN MEMORIAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Soyer</span> is gone! Then be it said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At last, indeed, great <span class="smcap">Pan</span> is dead.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXIII.&mdash;PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sergeant Prime</span> had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding,
+was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the
+road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the
+sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant
+replied in the negative. "I zee, zur," said the rustic, grinning, "yer
+<i>ploughshare</i> saved ye!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXIV.&mdash;A SHARP BRUSH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager,
+desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre,
+and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who
+combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and
+painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."&mdash;"Did you?"
+said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure,
+have known you were a Fox by your <i>brush</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[Pg 321]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXV.&mdash;NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of
+Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one
+day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl
+called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."&mdash;"Do ye ken," said
+Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"&mdash;"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil
+do ye ken <i>whether this be the road or no</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXVI.&mdash;PICKING POCKETS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">These</span> beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Are ruinous,&mdash;down with the growers of malt!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis nurtured in crime,&mdash;'tis concocted in plunder;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I saw a rogue <i>picking a pocket</i> of hops."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXVII.&mdash;HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A wag</span>, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great
+resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that
+the prophet is disposed to <i>husband his resources</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXVIII.&mdash;SMOOTHING IT DOWN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A client</span> remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very
+rough paper, sir."&mdash;"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has
+to be <i>filed</i> before it comes into court."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXIX.&mdash;MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action
+for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put
+his arm round the waist of Miss D&mdash;&mdash;, which had provoked the defendant
+to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that
+<i>waist</i> for <i>common</i>?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXX.&mdash;A HOPELESS INVASION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Bridport</span>, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in
+1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part,
+he could only say that they should not <i>come by water</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXXI.&mdash;DROLL TO ORDER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, tell us a
+lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of
+the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are
+such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you,"
+replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged <i>to eat fire</i> at the
+Countess of &mdash;&mdash;, and <i>stand upon my head</i> at Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXXII.&mdash;MEN OF WEIGHT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> fat men ride, they tire the horse,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And if they walk themselves&mdash;that's worse:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Travel at all, they are at best,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Either oppressors or opprest.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXXIII.&mdash;CHEMICAL ODDITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">While</span> an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a
+blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the
+difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he;
+"by oxygin we mean pure <i>gin</i>; and by hydrogin, <i>gin and water</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXXIV.&mdash;AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Charles Lamb</span> used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the
+principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's <i>poor
+relations</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXXV.&mdash;HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Macaulay</span>, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful
+of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to
+a gaping audience.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[Pg 323]</a></span> Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to
+find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming
+with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a
+good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this
+way."&mdash;"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at
+the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to <i>sing,
+guv'ner</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXXVI.&mdash;DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A veteran</span> Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring
+chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed,
+was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he
+who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a
+short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,&mdash;but my curses
+rest upon my son <i>if ever he does</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXXVII.&mdash;A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Whether</span> tall men or short men are best,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Or bold men, or modest and shy men,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I can't say, but this I protest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">All the fair are in favor of <i>Hy-men</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXXVIII.&mdash;A DEAR BARGAIN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span> was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent
+young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I
+am?"&mdash;"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be <i>almost
+as foolish</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MCDLXXXIX.&mdash;SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Byron</span> was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury
+Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "<i>Maid
+and the Magpie</i>" exceedingly natural. "I really am no <i>judge</i>," answered
+his lordship, "I was never <i>innocent</i> of stealing a spoon."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXC.&mdash;NO INTRUSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A loquacious</span> author, after babbling some time about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[Pg 324]</a></span> his piece to
+Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your
+attention."&mdash;"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of
+<i>something else</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXCI.&mdash;EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A merchant</span> being asked to define the meaning of <i>experimental</i> and
+<i>natural</i> philosophy, said he considered the <i>first</i> to be asking a man
+to discount a bill at a long date, and the <i>second</i> his refusing to do
+it.</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXCII.&mdash;NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his
+disgraceful situation, and the <i>anxiety</i> of a debtor being urged by them
+in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a
+person who <i>thinks</i> of paying."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXCIII.&mdash;ODD HUMOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called
+to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to
+Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my
+room. If I am <i>alive</i>, I shall be glad to see him; if I am <i>dead</i>, I am
+sure that he will be delighted to see me."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXCIV.&mdash;A TICKLISH OPENING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Henry Erskine</span> happening to be retained for a client of the name of
+Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client,
+the defendant, my lord,"&mdash;and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by
+laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes)
+exclaimed, "<i>Tickle him yourself</i>, Harry; you are as able to do so as I
+am."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXCV.&mdash;THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hood</span> suggests that the phrase "<i>republic</i> of letters" was hit upon to
+insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not
+got a <i>sovereign</i> amongst them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[Pg 325]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MCDXCVI.&mdash;AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him
+that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead.
+"But," says the other, "you find the report false."&mdash;"'Tis hard to
+determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I
+would <i>sooner take than yours</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXCVII.&mdash;SELF-CONDEMNATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in
+an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not
+worthy that the sun should shine on you."&mdash;"I am truly sensible of my
+unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in
+the <i>shade</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXCVIII.&mdash;AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span> having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on
+some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in
+a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to
+his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "<i>but don't indorse my
+sins upon their backs</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MCDXCIX.&mdash;A PLUMPER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a
+very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the
+pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the
+election, <i>for he had nobody's voice against him but his own</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MD.&mdash;A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate
+House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the
+questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate
+returned the following laconic answer: "An <i>exemption</i> from <i>Payne</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[Pg 326]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDI.&mdash;BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Quaker</span> (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for
+relaxation, makes a <i>business</i> of his <i>pleasure</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MDII.&mdash;INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A friend</span>, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he
+had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if
+such were the case?"&mdash;"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as
+you have just been <i>tolled</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDIII.&mdash;A WALKING STICK.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man
+protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that
+the stick could never have walked off with itself."&mdash;"Certainly not,
+sir, unless it was a <i>walking-stick</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDIV.&mdash;CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are
+ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience.
+The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was
+walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent,
+who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had
+enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly
+exclaimed the Duke; "but don't <i>keep me in the cold</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDV.&mdash;A REASON FOR BELIEF.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Do</span> you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney
+Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the
+moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of &mdash;&mdash;, <i>who is so like
+Judas</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDVI.&mdash;OPENLY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">No</span>, Varus hates a thing that's base;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I own, indeed, he's got a knack<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of flattering people to their face,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But scorns to do 't behind their back.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[Pg 327]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MDVII.&mdash;PAINTED CHARMS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Of</span> a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of
+carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop
+about her, with a notice upon it, '<i>Beware of the paint</i>.'"</p>
+
+<h4>MDVIII.&mdash;ON THE SPOT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on
+the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a
+<i>Grecian</i>."&mdash;"Pooh!" said the other, "that is <i>far-fetched</i>."&mdash;"No,
+indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the <i>spot</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDIX.&mdash;MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to
+the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller
+objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and
+demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these
+emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be
+obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I
+know <i>my duty</i> as well as your lordship knows <i>your duty</i>. I stand here
+as the advocate of a fellow citizen, <i>and I will not sit down</i>." The
+judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.</p>
+
+<h4>MDX.&mdash;A SHUFFLING ANSWER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A fair</span> devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah!
+madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;&mdash;in the
+first place consider the <i>loss of time</i>."&mdash;"That's just what I do," said
+she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in <i>shuffling and
+dealing</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXI.&mdash;THE DEBT PAID.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> <i>John</i> I owed great obligation;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But <i>John</i>, unhappily, thought fit<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To publish it to all the nation:<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Sure <i>John</i> and I am more than quit.<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[Pg 328]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MDXII.&mdash;A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">James Smith</span> one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his <i>At
+Home</i>, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention.
+At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and
+pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what <i>does it all go to
+prove</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MDXIII.&mdash;AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">General D&mdash;&mdash;</span> was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for
+the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain
+occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings
+he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to
+prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the
+general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts
+filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having
+previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub
+your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water,
+and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping
+yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a
+flesh-brush."&mdash;"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or
+two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's
+self."&mdash;"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "<i>it is open to that
+objection</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXIV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">For</span> Buckingham to hope to pit<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His bill against Lord Grey's is idle;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Reform, when offered <i>bit</i> by <i>bit</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is but intended for a <i>bridle</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDXV.&mdash;A DREADFUL SUSPICION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson
+asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor,
+"and I should be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[Pg 329]</a></span> loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know
+deserves it, but I am afraid he is an <i>attorney</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXVI.&mdash;A FAMILIAR FRIEND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young
+gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's
+jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the
+young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of
+Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't
+<i>clap him</i> on the back, and call him Howley."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXVII.&mdash;NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord North</span>, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did
+not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason
+for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his
+lordship, "if I was as <i>deaf</i> as my brother, I would <i>subscribe too</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXVIII.&mdash;PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who
+immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the
+doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen
+to afford you any relief, <i>please to let me know</i>, as I am myself
+suffering from <i>a similar affection</i>, and have tried <i>in vain to cure
+it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXIX.&mdash;TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lady Carteret</span>, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time,
+one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."&mdash;"Don't
+say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do
+they will certainly <i>tax</i> it."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXX.&mdash;FASHION AND VIRTUE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">What's</span> fashionable, I'll maintain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is always right," cries sprightly Jane;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"What's <i>right</i> were fashionable too."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[Pg 330]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MDXXI.&mdash;PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span>, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much,
+and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."&mdash;"Addison!"
+echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"&mdash;"I can't say:
+but this I know, he is seldom without his <i>Steel</i> by his side."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXII.&mdash;WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A traveller</span> coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the
+master of this house?"&mdash;"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been
+<i>dead these three weeks</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXIII.&mdash;PRECAUTIONARY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord John Russell</span>, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord
+Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith
+was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his
+corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may
+not <i>swallow John</i>! There are, however, <i>stomach-pumps</i> in case of
+accident."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXIV.&mdash;A LATE DISCOVERER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long
+discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical
+views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When
+he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then,
+sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not
+<i>altogether a moral man</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXV.&mdash;LINES TO O'KEEFE.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i6"><span class="smcap">They</span> say, O'Keefe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Thou art a thief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That half thy works are stolen or more;<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">I say O'Keefe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Thou art no thief,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such stuff was never writ before!<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[Pg 331]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MDXXVI.&mdash;PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a
+friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied
+by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My <i>profession</i> is much better
+than my <i>practice</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXVII.&mdash;A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Reynolds</span>, the dramatist, once met a <i>free</i> and <i>easy</i> actor, who
+told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the
+Marquis and Marchioness of &mdash;&mdash;, <i>without any invitation</i>. He had gone
+there on the assumption that as my lord and lady were not on <i>speaking
+terms</i>, <i>each</i> would suppose the <i>other</i> had asked him, and so it turned
+out.</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXVIII.&mdash;WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Judge Clayton</span> was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after
+he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with
+Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his
+legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of
+Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but
+then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just
+the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are
+so very contradictory, that I protest <i>I don't understand
+them</i>."&mdash;"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "<i>that is what we all say</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXIX.&mdash;A MICHAELMAS MEETING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Samuel Taylor Coleridge</span> was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he
+generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was
+riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met
+by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for
+sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a <i>tailor</i> on
+the road?"&mdash;"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little
+further, I should meet a <i>goose</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[Pg 332]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDXXX.&mdash;A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> editor of the <i>Evangelical Observer</i>, in reference to a certain
+person, took occasion to write that he was <i>rectus in ecclesia</i>, <i>i.e.,</i>
+in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence,
+converted it into <i>rectus in culina</i>, which although not very bad Latin,
+altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman <i>a good
+standing in the kitchen</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXXI.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(Upon the trustworthiness of &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">He'll</span> keep a secret well, or I'm deceived,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For what he says will never be believed.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDXXXII.&mdash;GOING TO EXTREMES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed
+that "they began too late and ended too soon."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXXIII.&mdash;SILENT APPRECIATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and
+drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's
+want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which
+the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent
+wine. "But you said nothing of <i>the first</i>" remarked his host "O,"
+replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. <i>It
+spoke for itself.</i> I thought the second wanted a <i>trumpeter</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXXIV.&mdash;JUSTICE MIDAS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A judge</span>, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into
+a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"&mdash;"The ass, to be
+sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an ass being made a judge,
+but a horse never."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXXV.&mdash;A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[Pg 333]</a></span> with two friends,
+one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of <i>old</i> port."&mdash;"Waiter,"
+added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a
+bottle of your <i>old</i> port, not your <i>elder</i> port."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXXVI.&mdash;LAW AND PHYSIC.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a
+friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."&mdash;"Why?" was the
+response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor&mdash;<i>your money or your
+life</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXXVII.&mdash;EUCLID REFUTED.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">A part</span>," says Euclid, "one at once may see,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unto the whole can never equal be";<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet W&mdash;&mdash;'s speeches can this fact control,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of them a part is equal to the whole.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDXXXVIII.&mdash;KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Burke</span> once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let
+Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had
+the folly to <i>write</i> it, I had the wit to keep it <i>to myself</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXXXIX.&mdash;CLASSICAL WIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Maginn</span> dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey
+Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid,
+in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"'Semper tibi <i>pendeat hamus</i>,'<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>May you always have a <i>ham</i> hanging in your kitchen." The doctor
+insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in
+the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"'Amant <i>te</i> omnes mulieres.'"<br /></span>
+<span class="i6"><i>Miles Glor.,</i> Act i., sc. i., v. 58.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you
+follow the old advice we both learned at school,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[Pg 334]</a></span> [Greek: Charizou t&ecirc;
+Psych&ecirc;], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner,
+which he thus eulogized:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"'Hoc tum s&aelig;vas paulatim mitigat iras,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Hoc minuit luctus m&#339;staque corda levat.'"<br /></span>
+<span class="i8"><i>Ov. Trist.,</i> lib. iv., <i>el.</i> vi., v. 15, 16.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDXL.&mdash;A PREFERABLE WAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera
+singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the
+conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are
+murdering the music!"&mdash;"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is
+far better to murder it outright, than to keep on <i>beating it as you
+do</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXLI.&mdash;A STOUT SWIMMER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his
+arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him
+overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough
+to swim <i>to the other side</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXLII.&mdash;A CHOICE OF EVILS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> asked his friend, why he married so <i>little</i> a wife? "Why," said he,
+"I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the <i>least</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXLIII.&mdash;RESTING HERSELF.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A laborer's</span> daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would
+frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might
+<i>rest her bones</i>. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late
+mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones
+yet?"&mdash;"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my
+<i>jaw-bones</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXLIV.&mdash;A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A chartist</span> at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the
+"five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as
+good as another?"&mdash;"Uv<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[Pg 335]</a></span> course he is," shouted an excited Irish
+chartist, "and <i>a great deal betther</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXLV.&mdash;DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">My</span> dart," cried Death, "I cannot find,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">So now I'm quite at sea."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">There, take this recipe."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDXLVI.&mdash;AN EVASION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A well-dressed</span> fellow walked into a room where they were talking
+politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a
+loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll
+show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical,
+sir!"&mdash;"<i>You</i> are?"&mdash;"Yes, sir, I <i>am</i>!"&mdash;"Well, just you step round the
+corner with me, and I'll <i>show you</i> a fellow who said I couldn't find a
+radical in the ward. Ain't <i>he</i> a liar, I should like to know?"</p>
+
+<h4>MDXLVII.&mdash;GOING FROM THE POINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My
+learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in
+domestic use, commonly called an <i>extinguisher</i>. It began at a point,
+and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the
+question out altogether."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXLVIII.&mdash;DEFINING A CREED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A friend</span> of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the
+witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion;
+posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXLIX.&mdash;A BIT OF MOONSHINE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Brougham</span>, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it
+was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May
+be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though
+it be, you would like to see the <i>first quarter</i> of it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[Pg 336]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDL.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> at the head of our most gracious king,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDLI.&mdash;A KIND HINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Grey</span> complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He
+should follow the example of duellists, and by <i>going out</i> he would
+certainly give <i>satisfaction</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MDLII.&mdash;PRIEST'S ORDERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some
+one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the
+pit. "Probably clerks <i>who have taken Priest's orders</i>," said Mr. Poole,
+one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists
+of the day.</p>
+
+<h4>MDLIII.&mdash;SHERIDAN AND BURKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">After</span> a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started
+suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house,
+exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"&mdash;"I
+hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the
+camp as a <i>deserter</i>, he will not return as a <i>spy</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLIV.&mdash;ALWAYS THE BETTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Cambridge</span> tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket,
+beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to
+ruin."&mdash;"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far
+from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been <i>the better</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLV.&mdash;A PUNGENT PINCH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish
+tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal:
+"Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,&mdash;a deuse of a <i>pinch</i>,
+Lundy!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[Pg 337]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDLVI.&mdash;"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An eminent</span> painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his
+profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for
+them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to
+pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the
+"<i>Saracen's Head</i>." It was paid for immediately.</p>
+
+<h4>MDLVII.&mdash;ON A GREAT TALKER.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">To</span> hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Job himself scarcely patience could keep;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDLVIII.&mdash;DRY HUMOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents
+of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about
+being <i>very wet</i>, if I wasn't so <i>very dry</i>, your honor."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLIX.&mdash;CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new
+dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and
+inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will
+be <i>change for a guinea</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLX.&mdash;AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A little</span> boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just
+seen the blackest man that ever was!"&mdash;"How black was he, my son?"&mdash;"O,
+he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a
+<i>white</i> mark on him!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXI.&mdash;A MAN AND A BROTHER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Harry Woodward</span>, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who
+earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his
+friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."&mdash;"He is either the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[Pg 338]</a></span>
+most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied
+the comedian: "and, as <i>either one or the other, he has a brotherly
+claim upon me</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXII.&mdash;PULLING UP A POET.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A poet</span> was once walking with T&mdash;&mdash;, in the street, reciting some of his
+verses. T&mdash;&mdash; perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed
+him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, <i>he hears you</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXIII.&mdash;AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman
+of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the
+coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the
+honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a
+house like this!"&mdash;"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply,
+"It's the <i>seventh</i> I have had, and every one in the room <i>knows it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXIV.&mdash;WITTY THANKSGIVING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Barham</span> having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the
+present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many
+thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure
+and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and
+bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman,
+the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.&mdash;Ever
+yours, <i>S.S.</i>"</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXV.&mdash;A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Thomson</span>, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend
+entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far
+spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae <i>nae motive</i>,"
+replied the poet.</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXVI.&mdash;KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for
+his patients in all disorders. Having sailed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[Pg 339]</a></span> one evening on a party of
+pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who
+had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had
+heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last
+night in his <i>own medicine chest</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXVII.&mdash;NOTHING SURPRISING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Admiral Lee</span>, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very
+rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin
+and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."&mdash;"Indeed," says the
+captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the <i>right</i> of it. I
+don't know what would <i>stay out</i> such a stormy night as this."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXVIII.&mdash;RUNNING NO RISK.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">I'm</span> very much surprised," quoth Harry,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"That Jane a gambler should marry."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"I'm not at all," her sister says,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"You know he has such <i>winning ways</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDLXIX.&mdash;A HUMORIST PIQUED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Theodore Hook</span> was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one
+occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter
+surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and,
+affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook
+concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would <i>you</i> do to
+anybody who treated you in such a manner?"&mdash;"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if
+any man meddled with <i>my</i> tongue, I'd <i>lick</i> him!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXX.&mdash;NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A landed</span> proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate
+with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he
+said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke
+replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be <i>no room for
+yours</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[Pg 340]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXI.&mdash;AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a
+gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry
+disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured
+it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George
+D&mdash;&mdash; was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't
+know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a
+great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but
+then, you know, a man may be both."&mdash;"<i>So I see, sir</i>," said Cannon,
+turning away.</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXII.&mdash;ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">While</span> Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No generous patron would a dinner give.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">See him, when starved to death and turned to dust,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Presented with a monumental bust.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He asked for bread, and he received a stone.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDLXXIII.&mdash;A WORD IN SEASON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Powell</span> the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister,
+who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not
+proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he
+had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody <i>give him the
+word</i>,&mdash;somebody give him the word!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXIV.&mdash;"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Porson</span> was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst
+of it, said, "Professor, <i>my opinion</i> of you is most
+contemptible."&mdash;"Sir," returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an
+<i>opinion</i> of yours that was <i>not contemptible</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXV.&mdash;A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition,
+professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[Pg 341]</a></span> A gentleman present
+observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head,
+and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor,
+undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when <i>he was a boy</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXVI.&mdash;"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Cantab</span>, one day observing a <i>ragamuffin-looking</i> boy scratching his
+head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was
+begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are
+picking them out, are you?"&mdash;"<i>Nah, sar</i>," retorted the urchin; "I
+<i>takes</i> 'em as they come!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXVU.&mdash;A CLIMAX.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a
+deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a
+good man, an excellent man. He had the best <i>melted butter</i> I ever
+tasted in my life."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXVIII.&mdash;BLANK CARTRIDGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Epigram</span> on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and
+Francis Jeffrey:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A reverse he displayed in his vapor,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For while all his poems were loaded with lead,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His pistols were loaded with paper.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Such a <i>salvo</i> he should not abuse;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Which is fired away at <i>Reviews</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDLXXIX.&mdash;SERMONS IN STONES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob,
+continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly.
+"Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said
+A'Beckett, "seeing that <i>no pains have been spared</i> to convince him of
+them."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[Pg 342]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXX.&mdash;EARLY HABITS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the
+condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of
+his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything
+with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly
+escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered,
+"My lord, you had better take your <i>trowel</i> to it."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXXI.&mdash;LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">During</span> the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader
+graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the
+hero questions the <i>Witches</i>, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a
+deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment
+directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching,
+however, the words in the play, repeated, "A <i>deed</i> without a <i>name</i>!
+why, 't is <i>void</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXXII.&mdash;NOT TO BE BELIEVED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted
+to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the
+postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Whoe'er would learn a fact from you,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Must take you by contraries;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What you deny, <i>perhaps</i> is true;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But nothing that you <i>swear</i> is.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDLXXXIII.&mdash;A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with
+marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened
+a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to <i>get
+a good one</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXXIV.&mdash;BYRON LIBELLOUS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore
+compared it to a potato, "because it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[Pg 343]</a></span> shoots from the eyes."&mdash;"Or
+rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by <i>pairing</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXXV.&mdash;A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at
+the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The
+doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: <i>you</i>, sir,
+might have been born a wit!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXXVI.&mdash;ATTIRED TO TIRE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Joseph Jekyll</span> wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain
+sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of
+King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Behold the sergeant full of fire,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Long shall his hearers rue it;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His purple garments <i>came from Tyre</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His arguments <i>go to it</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDLXXXVII.&mdash;A SMALL JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Dale</span>, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his
+employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his
+master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter
+day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had
+fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt,
+grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "<i>Nae
+great length</i>, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh,"
+said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."&mdash;"I wunner whaur
+<i>that</i> is," said Matthew.</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXXVIII.&mdash;A VAIN THREAT.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Mr. Brown</span>, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"&mdash;"I shall not be
+frightened then, for I never knew you to <i>pay</i> anything that you owe."</p>
+
+<h4>MDLXXXIX.&mdash;POOR LAW.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Pray</span>, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[Pg 344]</a></span> Kenyon, "what do you
+think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"&mdash;"Let him
+spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he
+has <i>not got a shilling</i> in the world, let him attack the law." Such was
+the advice of an old Chief Justice.</p>
+
+<h4>MDXC.&mdash;CAUSE AND EFFECT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about
+the "<i>cause</i> of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are
+evidently looking more after the <i>effects</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MDXCI.&mdash;A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the
+combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on
+going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the
+men,&mdash;an Irishman,&mdash;devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very
+unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man
+if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was
+only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same
+proportion <i>as the prize-money</i>,&mdash;the greatest part <i>among the
+officers</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXCII.&mdash;SOMETHING SHARP.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> we heard &mdash;&mdash; say a thing of some acidity the other night in the
+House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with
+a lemon in it.&mdash;G. A'B.</p>
+
+<h4>MDXCIII.&mdash;AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A namesake</span> of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter
+inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No,"
+was his reply, "I make a point of never attending <i>rehearsals</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDXCIV.&mdash;A SIMILE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Vane's</span> speeches to an hour-glass,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Do some resemblance show;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because the longer time they run,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The shallower they grow!<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[Pg 345]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MDXCV.&mdash;A WIDE DIFFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Rowland Hill</span> rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous
+health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician
+and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My
+physician has always been a <i>horse</i>, and my apothecary an <i>ass</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDXCVI.&mdash;ASPIRING POVERTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Roman</span> Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish
+designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "<i>very</i> large, <i>very</i>
+handsome, and <i>very</i> cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very
+poor; in fact, having only &pound;&mdash;&mdash;."&mdash;"Say <i>thirty shillings</i> more,"
+replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDXCVII.&mdash;A TENDER SUGGESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A beggar</span> in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy
+gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly
+replied, "I wish your honor's <i>heart was as tender as your toes</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDXCVIII.&mdash;SUDDEN FREEDOM.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A nation</span> grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and
+the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set
+the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.&mdash;S.S.</p>
+
+<h4>MDXCIX.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Thy</span> flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Only in this, that you both painted be.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDC.&mdash;ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the
+spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O,
+ma'am, because such <i>very fat people used to go through</i>" (a reply
+concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish
+it can have no perception of real wit").<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[Pg 346]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDCI.&mdash;THE SUN IN HIS EYE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Plunkett</span> had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation
+Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I
+wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett <i>cannot see</i> the
+imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"&mdash;"Pooh! pooh!" said
+Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has <i>the sun (son) in his eye</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCII.&mdash;A BRIGHT REJOINDER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty
+urchin" said, "My honey, all the <i>polish</i> you have is upon your boots
+and I gave you that."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCIII.&mdash;WELL TURNED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the
+reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court,
+on the ground that he was <i>cabinet-making</i>. The chancellor maliciously
+disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an
+occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a
+<i>turner</i> or a <i>joiner</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCIV.&mdash;A QUICK LIE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A conceited</span> coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish
+laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you
+can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."&mdash;"By my word," said
+Pat, "an' yer honor's a <i>gintleman</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCV.&mdash;A MERRY THOUGHT.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">They</span> cannot be complete in aught<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Who are not humorously prone;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A man without a merry thought<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Can hardly have a funny bone.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCVI.&mdash;AN IMPUDENT WIT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hook</span> one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention
+directed to a very pompous gentleman, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[Pg 347]</a></span> strutted along as if the
+street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to
+the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,&mdash;<i>are
+you anybody in particular</i>?" Before the astonished magnifico could
+collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query,
+Hook had passed on.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCVII.&mdash;WEARING AWAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A schoolmaster</span> said of himself: "I am like a <i>hone</i>, I sharpen a number
+of <i>blades</i>, but I wear myself in doing it."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCVIII.&mdash;A PERTINENT QUESTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Judge Jeffreys</span>, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who
+was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my
+cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "<i>At which end</i>, my lord?"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCIX.&mdash;A BASE JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the
+<i>lowest</i> of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the
+<i>foundation</i> of all wit."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCX.&mdash;A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord North's</span> good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him
+when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver
+minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one
+occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed,
+"Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"&mdash;"I wish <i>I
+was</i>," suddenly interposed the weary minister.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXI.&mdash;ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Begot</span> by butchers, but by bishops bred,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">How high his honor holds his haughty head!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCXII.&mdash;NOT FINDING HIMSELF.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">How</span> do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as
+he met him going in dinner costume to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[Pg 348]</a></span> the city. "Thank you," he
+replied, "the Lord Mayor <i>finds me</i> to-day."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXIII.&mdash;A WITTY PROPOSITION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span>, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room
+as all the members were seated and ready to commence business.
+Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a
+droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman <i>move</i> that I
+may take the <i>chair</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXIV.&mdash;A WARM MAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied
+that he kept a <i>hot-house</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXV.&mdash;LONG AGO.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed
+by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time,"
+he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had <i>no tongue</i>."&mdash;"Yes," said
+the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very <i>very long</i> since!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXVI.&mdash;AN UNLIKELY RESULT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the
+lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him
+"suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied,
+"Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but
+whensoever so I do, <i>then thrust me out of your doors</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXVII.&mdash;POLITICAL LOGIC.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">If</span> two decided negatives will make<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Together one affirmative, let's take<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">P&mdash;&mdash;t's and L&mdash;&mdash;t's, each a rogue <i>per se</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who by this rule an honest pair will be.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCXVIII.&mdash;A WISE DECISION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> going to take water at Whitehall stairs,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[Pg 349]</a></span> cried out, as he
+came near the place, "Who can swim?"&mdash;"I, master," said forty bawling
+mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after
+him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"&mdash;"Then
+you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least <i>take care
+of me for your own sake</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXIX.&mdash;A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Scottish</span> minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of
+his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could
+not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little
+he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice,
+"I should like to know who is the head of this house?"&mdash;"Weel, sir,"
+said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able
+to tell ye, for we're <i>just trying to settle that point</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXX.&mdash;A POOR LAUGH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span> was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was
+familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never
+comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned
+counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend,"
+said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh
+without a joke is like&mdash;is like&mdash;"&mdash;"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the
+judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a
+<i>contingent remainder</i> without any particular <i>estate</i> to support it."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXI.&mdash;AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney
+Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I
+hope you will not <i>disagree</i> with the man who eats you!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXII.&mdash;MATRIMONY.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<span class="smcap">My</span> dear, what makes you always yawn?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">"Is home so dull and dreary?"<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[Pg 350]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But man and wife are <i>one</i>, you know;<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">And when <i>alone</i> I'm weary!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCXXIII.&mdash;DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he
+could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening
+his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the
+advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of
+Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the
+least thirsty."&mdash;"It <i>is</i> very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for
+every one agrees that was the <i>driest</i> speech of the session."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXIV.&mdash;SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">As</span> for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"&mdash;and the water, "put naught in,
+in malice."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXV.&mdash;A JURY CASE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Curran</span>, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused
+by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of
+resuming <i>nisi prius</i> business, said: "I had been under full sail to
+fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I
+have been only bearing up under <i>jury</i>-masts."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXVI.&mdash;SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Alvanley</span>, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the
+hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the
+encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My
+Lord, I only took you to&mdash;" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend,
+the guinea is for <i>bringing me back</i>, not for taking me out."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXVII.&mdash;"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A dying</span> miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will
+dictate particulars."&mdash;"I give and I bequeath,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[Pg 351]</a></span> commenced the man of
+law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I
+will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."&mdash;"Well, then,"
+suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I
+<i>lend</i>, until the last day?'"&mdash;"Yes, yes, <i>that will do</i>," eagerly
+rejoined the miser.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXVIII.&mdash;AN ENDLESS TASK.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Who</span> seeks to please all men each way,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And not himself offend,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He may begin his work to-day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But who knows when he'll end?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCXXIX.&mdash;PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Miss Kelly</span> standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of
+punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and
+solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the
+demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew
+who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the <i>drama</i>, if we don't
+encourage one another."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXX.&mdash;A CELESTIAL VISION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Quin</span>, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than
+men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of
+Nature, madam; we always see more of <i>heaven than earth</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXXI.&mdash;DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that,
+being about to compile a history of distinguished families in
+Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith <i>arms</i>. "I regret,
+sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so
+valuable a work; but <i>the Smiths</i> never had any <i>arms</i>, and have
+invariably sealed their letters with their <i>thumbs</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXXII.&mdash;UNCIVIL WARNING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A celebrated</span> professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and
+silly chatterer, was asked to help<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[Pg 352]</a></span> her to the usual concomitant of
+boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,&mdash;<i>fatal
+to parrots</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXXIII.&mdash;AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him
+for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a
+bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North
+Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and
+liberal mind, and you know that I cannot <i>help coming from
+Scotland</i>."&mdash;"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "<i>no more</i> can the rest
+of your countrymen."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXXIV.&mdash;DONE FOR.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in
+a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what
+it's for."&mdash;"Done," said the other. "<i>It is for sale</i>." The bet was
+paid.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXXV.&mdash;A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Thomas Hood</span> says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. <i>Pints</i>
+cannot be deemed <i>pot</i>ations."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXXVI.&mdash;THE DOG TAX.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Brown</span> drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has
+the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold
+remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about
+town?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Well, they say that Jones <i>pays the dog-tax for you</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXXVII.&mdash;A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hood</span> described a good church minister as "Piety <i>parsonified</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXXVIII.&mdash;A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">One</span> day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an
+attorney, was complaining of the great expense<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[Pg 353]</a></span> of a funeral cavalcade
+in the country. "Why, do you <i>bury</i> your attorneys here?" asked Foote.
+"Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"&mdash;"O, we never do that in
+London."&mdash;"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage,
+then?"&mdash;"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room
+over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the
+morning he is gone."&mdash;"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement;
+"what becomes of him?"&mdash;"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know
+is, there's <i>a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXXXIX.&mdash;THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose
+nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are
+always making observations upon <i>my nose</i>; perhaps you think it was made
+at the <i>expense</i> of yours."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXL.&mdash;A YOKSHIRE BULL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Yorkshire</span> clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely
+remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy <i>sight</i> it
+would be!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXLI.&mdash;A ONE-SIDED JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span> requested her husband's permission to wear <i>rouge</i>. "I can give
+you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for <i>one</i> cheek."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXLII.&mdash;TWO CURES FOR AGUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bishop Blomfield</span>, when presiding over the diocese of London, had
+occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity
+of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were,
+after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the
+residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible
+for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known
+preservatives against ague; the one is, a <i>good deal of care</i> and a
+<i>little port wine</i>; the other, a <i>little care</i> and a <i>good deal of port
+wine</i>. I prefer the former; but if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[Pg 354]</a></span> any of the clergy prefer the
+<i>latter</i>, it is at all events a remedy which <i>incumbents</i> can afford
+better than <i>curates</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXLIII.&mdash;A QUESTION OF DESCENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Yorkshire</span> nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent,
+said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with
+proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with
+William the Conqueror?"&mdash;"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon,
+"they <i>found mine here</i> when they comed."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXLIV.&mdash;PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A laird's</span> eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to
+send the young laird abroad."&mdash;"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird
+answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will
+no the world see <i>him</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXLV.&mdash;A RULE OF PRACTICE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for
+himself without a <i>fee</i>, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea
+out of one pocket and put it <i>into the other</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXLVI.&mdash;WITS AGREEING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a <i>pert</i> young fellow
+asked him what he would give to be as <i>young</i> as he. "I would be
+content," cried Foote, "to be as <i>foolish</i>." Jerrold made a similar
+reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick.
+"Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your
+stomach."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXLVII.&mdash;LITERARY PASTIME.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Once</span> a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many
+things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a
+dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in
+counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after
+destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave
+it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[Pg 355]</a></span> up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I <i>can't</i> make him."&mdash;"Nay,
+Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done
+more; instead of one pig, you have made a <i>litter</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXLVIII.&mdash;A FREE TRANSLATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Manners</span>, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir
+Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he
+verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"&mdash;"No, my lord," said
+Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors <i>change</i>
+Manners.'"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXLIX.&mdash;AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship
+and marriage,&mdash;how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on
+the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her
+enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened
+to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently
+thought you better than <i>nun</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCL.&mdash;RECIPROCAL ACTION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A very</span> fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to
+prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth
+open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is
+<i>too short</i>, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLI.&mdash;ACRES AND WISEACRES.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A wealthy</span> but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one
+should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed
+property."&mdash;"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a
+<i>wise-acre</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLII.&mdash;AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Two</span> young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their
+expenses, agreed the one to <i>board</i>, and the other to <i>lodge</i>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[Pg 356]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDCLIII.&mdash;A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Canning</span> and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge:
+the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen
+struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the
+elephant did not secure <i>an inside</i> place."&mdash;"He was too late, my
+friend," replied Canning; "he was detained <i>packing up his trunk</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLIV.&mdash;COOL AS A CUCUMBER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Some</span> one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the
+Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the
+embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and
+insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly <i>cold</i> it was,"
+said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you
+know he is the, Duke of <i>Cu-cum-ber-land</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLV.&mdash;AN AMPLE APOLOGY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A clergyman</span> at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors
+commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a
+good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who
+resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied
+the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong,
+for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, <i>I found it
+there</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLVI.&mdash;FUNERAL INVITATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Boyle Roach</span> had a servant who was as great an original as his
+master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a
+gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the
+purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have
+taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master <i>sends his
+compliments</i> to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLVII.&mdash;A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Foote</span>, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[Pg 357]</a></span> discord under
+his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play
+elsewhere, as <i>one scraper at the door</i> was sufficient.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLVIII.&mdash;COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A shopkeeper</span> at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the
+<i>little rascal</i>. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been
+given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he,
+"who are all <i>great rascals</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLIX.&mdash;GARTH AND ROWE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Doctor Garth</span>, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the
+Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning
+conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom
+very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain
+of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in
+a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked
+constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he
+desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a
+valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince.
+After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so
+repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and
+taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek
+characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) <i>Fie! Rowe!</i> The poet was so
+mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLX.&mdash;A SECRET DISCOVERED.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">'T is</span> clear why Twister, wretched rat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Always abuses in his chatter:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He's truly such a thorough flat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We can't expect to see him <i>flatter</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCLXI.&mdash;INTERESTED INQUIRY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a
+distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "<i>I am in horrible
+good health at present</i>."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[Pg 358]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXII.&mdash;A BEARABLE PUN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An</span> illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "<i>Bear</i>
+sold here."&mdash;"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook,
+"if he means to apprise us that the article is his own <i>Bruin</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXIII.&mdash;CITY GLUTTON.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his
+promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a
+great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great
+deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due
+solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a
+high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not
+take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy,
+with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether
+he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied
+Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite <i>over</i>
+your face."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXIV.&mdash;A PRETTY REPLY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Melbourne</span>, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely
+remarked to Alexis Soyer, <i>chef de cuisine</i>, that his female assistants
+were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "<i>plain</i> cooks will
+not do here."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXV.&mdash;A CONVENIENT THEORY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">At</span> charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the
+hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a
+hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts
+down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private
+concern, and what I gives is <i>nothing to nobody</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXVI.&mdash;BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dryden's</span> translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend
+bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but
+everything suffers by a <i>translation</i>,&mdash;except a <i>bishop</i>!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[Pg 359]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXVII.&mdash;PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Philip</span>, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the
+simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House
+of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord
+Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he
+was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him,
+"Honest man, you have no business here. <i>Honest man</i> you <i>can</i> have no
+business <i>in this place</i>."&mdash;"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are
+right; <i>honest men</i> can have no business here."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXVIII.&mdash;RIGID IMPARTIALITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span>, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the
+<i>Edinburgh Review,</i> found him reading a book preparatory to writing an
+account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?"
+asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book <i>before</i>
+reviewing it; <i>it prejudices one so</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXIX.&mdash;WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was
+returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that
+"there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke
+of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent
+and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the
+interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him
+to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan
+only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and
+intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter;
+though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would
+give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's <i>entire</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXX.&mdash;A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when
+sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference
+between a <i>shilling</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[Pg 360]</a></span> and <i>sixpence</i>."&mdash;"But you will, young gentleman,"
+an old economist replied, "when you come to be <i>worth eighteen-pence</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXI.&mdash;A GRIM JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Daniel Defoe</span> said there was only this difference between the fates of
+Charles the First and his son James the Second,&mdash;that the former's was a
+<i>wet</i> martyrdom, and the other's a <i>dry one</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXII.&mdash;INSURANCE ASSURANCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer
+from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in
+the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices
+put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found
+that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these
+admonitory words, "Let them <i>insure</i>, as they wish to be saved."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXIII.&mdash;GENUINE LAZINESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A young</span> farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of
+hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have
+been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so
+indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of
+you."&mdash;"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself
+at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O,
+Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the
+trouble of <i>putting it into my pocket</i> for me."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXIV.&mdash;CUTTING.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A country</span> editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was
+mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the
+"scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXV.&mdash;GONE OUT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A person</span> calling one day on a gentleman at the west<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[Pg 361]</a></span> end of the town,
+where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the
+servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak
+to your mistress."&mdash;"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not
+willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would
+step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is
+<i>gone out</i> too," replied the girl.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXVI.&mdash;A GOOD JUDGE.</h4>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Honesty</span> is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend,
+for <i>I have tried baith</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXVII.&mdash;MR. CHARLES YORKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of
+Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those
+who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial
+for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr.
+Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful
+to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular
+obligation to <i>you</i> for the <i>very remarkable countenance</i> you have
+<i>shown</i> me upon this occasion."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXVIII.&mdash;THE SALIC LAW</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Is</span> a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry
+from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXIX.&mdash;CHARLES JAMES FOX.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">After</span> Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor
+about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel
+with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it
+had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been
+all over with me, if you had not charged with <i>government powder</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXX.&mdash;PREFERMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Among</span> the daly inquirers after the health of an aged<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[Pg 362]</a></span> Bishop of D&mdash;&mdash;m,
+during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than
+the Bishop of E&mdash;&mdash;r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives
+than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One
+morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus
+addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop,
+and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of
+W&mdash;&mdash;r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, <i>if that will
+do</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXXI.&mdash;COMPLIMENTARY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter
+continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire.
+"Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm
+<i>responsible</i> for the silver."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXXII.&mdash;DR. DONNE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Donne</span>, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and
+noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great
+asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money
+from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him:
+"John Donne, Anne Donne, <i>undone</i>." This quibble had the desired effect,
+and the distressed couple were restored to favor.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXXIII.&mdash;VULGARITY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Walter Scott</span> once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of
+something, that it was <i>vulgar</i>, gave the young lady the following
+temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you
+know, after all, the meaning of this word <i>vulgar</i>? 'Tis only <i>common</i>;
+nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of
+in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be
+disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth
+having or caring about in this world is <i>uncommon</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXXIV.&mdash;AN EXPENSIVE JOB.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A gentleman</span> passing a country church while under<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[Pg 363]</a></span> repair, observed to
+one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why,
+yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our
+reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in
+vain."&mdash;"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish
+<i>to repentance</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXXV.&mdash;PROSINESS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A prosy</span> old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a
+stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really
+thought he should have <i>died</i> with laughter."&mdash;"I wish to heaven you
+had," was Jerrold's reply.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXXVI.&mdash;A PLEASANT MESSAGE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Bartleman</span>, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the
+commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was
+applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to
+the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be
+paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in
+which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary
+and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards
+<i>to him</i>; and tell him how much we <i>missed him</i> during the festival!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXXVII.&mdash;EXISTENCE OF MATTER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">As</span> Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one
+morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came
+up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on
+the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "<i>What's the
+matter</i>?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied,
+"<i>No matter, Berkeley</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXXVIII.&mdash;A SAUCY ANSWER.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Barrister</span> attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had
+<i>brass</i> enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have
+<i>sauce</i> enough to fill it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[Pg 364]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDCLXXXIX.&mdash;QUAINT EPITAPH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Fuller</span> having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for
+him, received the following:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<i>Here lies Fuller's earth</i>!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCXC.&mdash;AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Boyle Roach</span>, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal
+invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord,
+if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll <i>stay there all
+night</i>." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked
+his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the
+reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes
+<i>larger</i> than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them
+<i>smaller</i> than the other!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXCI.&mdash;GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">An Irish</span> peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its
+quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical
+<i>na&iuml;vet&eacute;</i>: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that <i>a
+pig can require</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXCII.&mdash;FARCICAL.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">In</span> Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and
+Water."&mdash;"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the
+anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can
+fire and water produce but a <i>hiss</i>?"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXCIII.&mdash;TOO MUCH AT ONCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chesterfield</span> one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very
+much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a
+degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must <i>eat a peck of
+dirt</i> before he dies."&mdash;"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no
+one is obliged to eat it all <i>at one meal</i>, you dirty dog."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[Pg 365]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>MDCXCIV.&mdash;EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">(On Bishop &mdash;&mdash;'s Religion.)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Though</span> not a Catholic, his lordship has,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCXCV.&mdash;POSSIBLE CENSORS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dr. Cadogan</span> was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke
+loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical
+against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of
+me."&mdash;"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was
+present, "unless you know what people <i>say in the other world</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXCVI.&mdash;A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady</span>, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the
+difference between <i>exportation</i> and <i>transportation</i>. "Why, my dear,"
+he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, <i>you</i>
+would be <i>exported</i>, and <i>I</i> should be <i>transported</i>!"</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXCVII.&mdash;DOUBLE SIGHT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A man</span> with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed
+person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have
+lost," says the first; "I can see the <i>two</i> eyes in your face, and you
+can see only <i>one</i> in mine."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXCVIII.&mdash;WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sheridan</span> was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has
+not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt
+illustrious."&mdash;"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an
+O than our family; for, in truth, we <i>owe</i> everybody."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCXCIX.&mdash;A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Said</span> Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Get out of my way, do you hear?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I'm much <i>in your way</i> as I fear."<br /></span>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[Pg 366]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCC.&mdash;A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting
+Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself!
+"Dine with me to-day,&mdash;dine with me to-day,&mdash;I will get Sydney Smith to
+meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but
+said, "<i>he was engaged with him elsewhere</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCI.&mdash;A ROYAL JEST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A captain</span>, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the
+rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance;
+and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church,
+"Rather for the <i>steeple,</i>" replied the royal humorist.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCII.&mdash;EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Lord Chesterfield</span>, being told that a certain termagant and scold was
+married to a gamester, replied, "that <i>cards and brimstone</i> made the
+best matches."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCIII.&mdash;A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> reigning <i>bore</i> at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L&mdash;&mdash;; his
+favorite subject the <i>North Pole</i>. One day the arch tormentor met
+Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole.
+Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him,
+exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L&mdash;&mdash; shortly
+after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North
+Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what
+Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,&mdash;he respects nothing,
+absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more
+than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the
+<i>Equator</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCIV.&mdash;MULTIPLYING ONE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sydney Smith</span> once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round
+it at the French embassy, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[Pg 367]</a></span> saw myself reflected on every side. I
+took it for a <i>meeting of the clergy</i>, and was delighted of course."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCV.&mdash;AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">When</span> Julia was asked, if to church she would go,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For from grammar I learned <i>No</i> and <i>No</i> stood for <i>Yes</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<h4>MDCCVI.&mdash;THE RULING PASSION.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A lady's</span> beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn
+out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist
+rubbing her temples with Hungary water, <i>as it would make her hair
+gray</i>!</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCVII.&mdash;INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A prisoner</span>, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning,
+was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast
+with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will <i>not
+digest</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCVIII.&mdash;SELF-INTEREST.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Those</span> who wish to tax anything containing <i>intelligence</i>, must be
+actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they
+are not likely to feel <i>the burden</i>.</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCIX.&mdash;ALL THE DIFFERENCE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Glasgow</span> professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts,
+and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "<i>It will be long
+enough before I get another</i>," answered the student. The reply tickled
+the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed
+laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him
+what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied
+reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he
+answered, <i>it will be a long time before I get another</i>."&mdash;"Well,
+there's nothing very funny in that."&mdash;"Neither there is," said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_368" id="Page_368">[Pg 368]</a></span> the
+professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have
+been something in <i>the way he said it</i>."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCX.&mdash;FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">When</span> Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the
+kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The
+true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her
+country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's
+very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several
+times <i>all over grease</i>!"&mdash;"They may tell you what they please above or
+below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover
+in my life!"&mdash;"Nay, now, that must be a <i>fib</i>," says Foote, "for I have
+myself seen you at <i>Spithead</i>!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the
+exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."</p>
+
+<h4>MDCCXI.&mdash;<i>L'Envoy</i>.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> is so much genuine humor in the following jocular <span class="smcap">dinner code</span>,
+that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.</p>
+
+<h4>DINNER CODE.</h4>
+
+<p class='center'><i>Of the Amphitryon.&mdash;His Rights.</i></p>
+
+<p>Art. 1.&mdash;The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as
+long as the meal, and ends with it.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 2.&mdash;It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his
+guests.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 3.&mdash;He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the
+females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two,
+which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>His Duties.</i></p>
+
+<p>Art. 1.&mdash;Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches
+with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to
+his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the
+vigorous appetite.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_369" id="Page_369">[Pg 369]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Art. 2.&mdash;He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 3.&mdash;He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale
+jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his
+best security against a violation of this <i>article</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 4.&mdash;The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should
+never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 5.&mdash;On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over
+the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by
+it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>Of the Guests.</i></p>
+
+<p>Art. 1.&mdash;The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at
+whatever inconvenience to himself.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 2.&mdash;When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil
+way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that
+of which he has just partaken.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 3.&mdash;A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a
+conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is
+a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be
+inconsiderately distracted.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 4.&mdash;Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even
+in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a <i>dinde aux truffes</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 5.&mdash;An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the
+Amphitryon.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 6.&mdash;A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during
+the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as
+long as digestion.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 7.&mdash;To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the
+person of his cook.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 8.&mdash;A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who
+deserts.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_370" id="Page_370">[Pg 370]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>On Vicinity to Ladies.</i></p>
+
+<p>Art. 1.&mdash;He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her <i>cavaliere
+servente</i>. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as
+over his own.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 2.&mdash;The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in
+the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey
+the recommendations of her knight on this subject.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 3.&mdash;It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness
+during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be
+complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the
+dessert.</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>On Vicinity to Men.</i></p>
+
+<p>Art. 1.&mdash;When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each
+other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,&mdash;the
+<i>last</i> offer becomes an error after one refusal.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 2.&mdash;On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any
+precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool
+the plate in question for both parties.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 3.&mdash;If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast
+must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 4.&mdash;Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to
+converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them
+is inviting the other to dinner.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 5.&mdash;Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more
+wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each
+other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>On Vicinity to Children.</i></p>
+
+<p>Single Article.&mdash;The only course to be pursued, if you have the
+misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_371" id="Page_371">[Pg 371]</a></span> to make him tipsy as
+quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism.</i></p>
+
+<p>Art. 1.&mdash;The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the
+articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his
+gayety upon the people who sit round it.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 2.&mdash;By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine <i>&agrave; la
+Russe</i>) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 3.&mdash;A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little
+sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when
+serving himself <i>last</i>, serve himself also the <i>best</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 4.&mdash;Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to
+some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly
+for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,&mdash;merely out of
+politeness to her.</p>
+
+<p>Art. 5.&mdash;The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing:
+never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_373" id="Page_373">[Pg 373]</a></span></p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_372" id="Page_372">[Pg 372]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="INDEX" id="INDEX"></a>INDEX.</h2>
+
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">A. I,</span> <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li>
+<li>Abbey Church at Bath, The, <a href="#Page_244">244</a></li>
+<li> Bed of&mdash;Where?, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li>
+<li>Abernethy, Mr., <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li>
+<li>Above Proof, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li>
+<li>Absent Man, An, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li>
+<li>Absurdly Logical, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li>
+<li>Acceptable Deprivation, An, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li>
+<li>Accommodating, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li>
+<li>Accommodating Physician, An, <a href="#Page_180">180</a></li>
+<li>Accommodating Principles, <a href="#Page_153">153</a></li>
+<li>Accurate Description, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li>
+<li>Acres and Wiseacres, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li>
+<li>Act of Justice, An, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li>
+<li>Actor, <a href="#Page_222">222</a></li>
+<li>Advantageous Tithe, An, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li>
+<li>Advertisement, Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li>
+<li>Advice Gratis, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li>
+<li>Advice to a Dramatist, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li>
+<li>Advice to the Young, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li>
+<li>Affectation, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li>
+<li>Affectionate Hint, An, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li>
+<li>Aged Young Lady, The, <a href="#Page_235">235</a></li>
+<li>Agreeable and not Complimentary, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li>
+<li>Agreeable Practice, An, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li>
+<li>Agricultural Experiences, <a href="#Page_184">184</a></li>
+<li>Alere Flamman, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li>
+<li>A-Liquid, <a href="#Page_140">140</a></li>
+<li>Allegorical Representation, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li>
+<li>All the Difference, <a href="#Page_5">5</a>, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li>
+<li>All the Same, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li>
+<li>Almanac-makers, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li>
+<li>Alone in his Glory, <a href="#Page_14">14</a></li>
+<li>Always the Better, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li>
+<li>Amende Honorable, The, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li>
+<li>American Penance, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li>
+<li>Ample Apology, An, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li>
+<li>Anecdote, An, <a href="#Page_86">86</a></li>
+<li>Anglo-French Alliance, The, <a href="#Page_50">50</a></li>
+<li>Angry Ocean, The, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li>
+<li>Answered at Once, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li>
+<li>Answering her According to her Folly, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li>
+<li>Anticipated Calamity, An, <a href="#Page_349">349</a></li>
+<li>Anticipation, <a href="#Page_110">110</a></li>
+<li>Any Change for the Better, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li>
+<li>Any Port in a Storm, <a href="#Page_57">57</a></li>
+<li>Apish Resemblance, An, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li>
+<li>Apt Reproof, An, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li>
+<li>Arcadia, <a href="#Page_24">24</a></li>
+<li>Arcadian, An, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li>
+<li>Architectural Pun, An, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li>
+<li>Argument, An, <a href="#Page_125">125</a></li>
+<li>Artificial Heat, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li>
+<li>Artistic Touch, An, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li>
+<li>As Black as he could be painted, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li>
+<li>Aspiring Poverty, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li>
+<li>Assurance and Insurance, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li>
+<li>As You Like It, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li>
+<li>At his Fingers' Ends, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li>
+<li>Attending to a Wish, <a href="#Page_169">169</a></li>
+<li>Attic Jest, An   <a href="#Page_69">69</a></li>
+<li>Attired to Tire,   <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li>
+<li>Audley, The Late Lord, <a href="#Page_130">130</a></li>
+<li>Auricular Confession, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li>
+<li>Awkward Orthography, <a href="#Page_298">298</a></li>
+<li>"Aye! There's the Rub", <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Back-handed Hit, A</span>, <a href="#Page_209">209</a></li>
+<li>Bacon, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li>
+<li>Bad Bargain, A, <a href="#Page_131">131</a></li>
+<li>Bad Company, <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li>
+<li>Bad Crop, A, <a href="#Page_18">18</a>, <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li>
+<li>Bad Customer, A, <a href="#Page_96">96</a></li>
+<li>Bad End, A, <a href="#Page_153">153</a></li>
+<li>Bad Example, A, <a href="#Page_1">1</a></li>
+<li>Bad Habit, <a href="#Page_136">136</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_374" id="Page_374">[Pg 374]</a></span></li>
+<li>Bad Harvest, A, <a href="#Page_23">23</a></li>
+<li>Bad Judge, A, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li>
+<li>Bad Label, A, <a href="#Page_92">92</a></li>
+<li>Bad Lot, A, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li>
+<li>Bad Medium, A, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li>
+<li>Bad Pen, A, <a href="#Page_72">72</a></li>
+<li>Bad Preacher, A, <a href="#Page_226">226</a></li>
+<li>Bad Shot, A, <a href="#Page_12">12</a></li>
+<li>Bad Sport, <a href="#Page_146">146</a></li>
+<li>Balance, A, <a href="#Page_233">233</a></li>
+<li>Balancing Accounts, <a href="#Page_66">66</a></li>
+<li>Banker's Check, A, <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li>
+<li>Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, <a href="#Page_305">305</a></li>
+<li>Bark and Bite, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li>
+<li>Barry's Powers of Pleasing, <a href="#Page_34">34</a></li>
+<li>Base Joke, A, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li>
+<li>Base One, A, <a href="#Page_97">97</a></li>
+<li>Bearable Pun, A, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li>
+<li>Bear and Van, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li>
+<li>Bearding a Barber, <a href="#Page_2">2</a></li>
+<li>Benefit of Competition, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li>
+<li>Best Judge, The, <a href="#Page_110">110</a></li>
+<li>Best Wine, The, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li>
+<li>Better Known than Trusted, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li>
+<li>Betting, <a href="#Page_155">155</a></li>
+<li>Bewick, the Engraver, <a href="#Page_194">194</a></li>
+<li>Bill Paid in Full, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li>
+<li>Billy Brown and the Counsellor, <a href="#Page_50">50</a></li>
+<li>Birth of a Prince, The, <a href="#Page_178">178</a></li>
+<li>Bishop and Churchwarden, A, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li>
+<li>Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, <a href="#Page_55">55</a></li>
+<li>Bit of Moonshine, A, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li>
+<li>Black and White, <a href="#Page_19">19</a></li>
+<li>Black Joke, A, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li>
+<li>Black Letter, <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li>
+<li>Black Oils, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li>
+<li>Blowing a Nose, <a href="#Page_55">55</a></li>
+<li>Book Case, A, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li>
+<li>Boswell's "Life of Johnson", <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li>
+<li>Braham and Kenney, <a href="#Page_237">237</a></li>
+<li>Bred on the Boards, <a href="#Page_162">162</a></li>
+<li>Brevity, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li>
+<li>Brevity of Charity, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li>
+<li>Brief Correspondence, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li>
+<li>"Brief Let It Be", <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li>
+<li>Bright and Sharp, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li>
+<li>Bright Rejoinder, A, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li>
+<li>Bringing his Man Down, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li>
+<li>Broad-brim Hint, A, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li>
+<li>Broad Hint, A, <a href="#Page_85">85</a>, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li>
+<li>Broad-Sheet Hint, A, <a href="#Page_75">75</a></li>
+<li>Broken Head, A, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li>
+<li>Brotherly Love, <a href="#Page_46">46</a>, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li>
+<li>Brutal Affections, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li>
+<li>Budget of Blunders, A, <a href="#Page_141">141</a></li>
+<li>Buried Worth, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li>
+<li>Burke and Fox, <a href="#Page_258">258</a></li>
+<li>Burke's Tediousness, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li>
+<li>Business and Pleasure, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li>
+<li>Busy Bodies, <a href="#Page_124">124</a></li>
+<li>But one Good Translation, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li>
+<li>Byron Libellous, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Cabal, A</span>, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li>
+<li>Calculation, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li>
+<li>Calculation, A, <a href="#Page_265">265</a></li>
+<li>Caledonian Comfort, <a href="#Page_99">99</a></li>
+<li>Calf's Head Surprised, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li>
+<li>Caliban's Looking-glass, <a href="#Page_51">51</a></li>
+<li>Calumny, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li>
+<li>Cambridge Etiquette, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li>
+<li>Candid Counsel, A, <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li>
+<li>Candid on both Sides, <a href="#Page_222">222</a></li>
+<li>Candle and Lantern, The, <a href="#Page_125">125</a></li>
+<li>Candor, <a href="#Page_73">73</a></li>
+<li>Canine Poetry, <a href="#Page_169">169</a></li>
+<li>Canning's Parasites, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li>
+<li>Capital Joke, A, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li>
+<li>Capital Letter, A, <a href="#Page_14">14</a></li>
+<li>Cap This, <a href="#Page_26">26</a></li>
+<li>Carrots Classically Considered, <a href="#Page_222">222</a></li>
+<li>Cart before the Horse, The, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li>
+<li>Case of Necessity, A, <a href="#Page_189">189</a></li>
+<li>Cash Payments, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li>
+<li>Catching him Up, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li>
+<li>Cause and Effect, <a href="#Page_226">226</a>, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li>
+<li>Cause of Absence, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li>
+<li>Cause, The, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li>
+<li>Cautious Lover, A, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li>
+<li>Celestial Vision, A, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li>
+<li>Certain Crop, A, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li>
+<li>Certainly not Asleep, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li>
+<li>Certainty, A, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li>
+<li>Challenging a Jury, <a href="#Page_107">107</a></li>
+<li>Change for a Guinea, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li>
+<li>Change for the Better, A, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li>
+<li>Changing Hats, <a href="#Page_280">280</a></li>
+<li>Changing his Coat, <a href="#Page_3">3</a></li>
+<li>Changing his Line, <a href="#Page_39">39</a></li>
+<li>Characteristics, <a href="#Page_237">237</a></li>
+<li>Charitable Wit, <a href="#Page_195">195</a></li>
+<li>Charity and Inconvenience, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li>
+<li>Charity begins at Home, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li>
+<li>Charles, Duke of Norfolk, <a href="#Page_271">271</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_375" id="Page_375">[Pg 375]</a></span></li>
+<li>Charles II. and Milton, <a href="#Page_192">192</a></li>
+<li>Chartist not a Leveller, A, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li>
+<li>Chatham, Lord, <a href="#Page_263">263</a></li>
+<li>Cheap at the Money, <a href="#Page_209">209</a></li>
+<li>Cheap Cure, A, <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li>
+<li>Cheap Watch, A, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li>
+<li>Check to the King, <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li>
+<li>Cheese and Dessert, <a href="#Page_21">21</a></li>
+<li>Chemical Oddity, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li>
+<li>Chesterfield, Lord, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li>
+<li>Chin-Surveying, <a href="#Page_280">280</a></li>
+<li>Choice of Evils, A, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li>
+<li>Choice Spirits, <a href="#Page_180">180</a></li>
+<li>Church in the Way, The, <a href="#Page_246">246</a></li>
+<li>City Glutton, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li>
+<li>City Love, <a href="#Page_36">36</a></li>
+<li>City Varnish, A, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li>
+<li>Claim on the Country, A, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li>
+<li>Classical Wit, <a href="#Page_333">333</a></li>
+<li>Claw and Claw, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li>
+<li>Clear Case, A, <a href="#Page_122">122</a></li>
+<li>Clear the Court, <a href="#Page_118">118</a></li>
+<li>Clearing Emigrants, <a href="#Page_272">272</a></li>
+<li>Clerical Wit, <a href="#Page_95">95</a></li>
+<li>Clever Dog, A, <a href="#Page_47">47</a></li>
+<li>Climax, A, <a href="#Page_19">19</a>, <a href="#Page_341">341</a></li>
+<li>Clonmel, Lord, <a href="#Page_172">172</a></li>
+<li>Close Escape, A, <a href="#Page_187">187</a></li>
+<li>Close Translation, A, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li>
+<li>Closer, A, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li>
+<li>Coat-of-Arms, A, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li>
+<li>Cockney Epigram, A, <a href="#Page_36">36</a></li>
+<li>Cold Comfort, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li>
+<li>"Cold" Compliment, A, <a href="#Page_73">73</a></li>
+<li>Coleridge and Thelwall, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li>
+<li>College Bell! The, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li>
+<li>Collins, The late Mr., <a href="#Page_24">24</a></li>
+<li>Colonial Breweries, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li>
+<li>Colorable Excuse, A, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li>
+<li>Colorable Resemblance, A, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li>
+<li>Come of Age, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li>
+<li>Comedian and a Lawyer, A, <a href="#Page_190">190</a></li>
+<li>Common Case, A, <a href="#Page_64">64</a></li>
+<li>Common Politeness, <a href="#Page_195">195</a></li>
+<li>Common Want, A, <a href="#Page_219">219</a></li>
+<li>Comparative Virtue, <a href="#Page_357">357</a></li>
+<li>Comparison, A, <a href="#Page_152">152</a>, <a href="#Page_234">234</a>, <a href="#Page_273">273</a></li>
+<li>Comparisons are Odious, <a href="#Page_2">2</a></li>
+<li>Complimentary, <a href="#Page_4">4</a>, <a href="#Page_362">362</a></li>
+<li>Compliment, Elegant, <a href="#Page_32">32</a></li>
+<li>Compliment Ill-received, A, <a href="#Page_78">78</a></li>
+<li>Computation, <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li>
+<li>Conceited, but not Seated, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li>
+<li>Con-cider-ate, <a href="#Page_139">139</a></li>
+<li>Concurrent Events, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li>
+<li>Conditional Agreement, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li>
+<li>Confidence, <a href="#Page_103">103</a>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li>
+<li>Confidence&mdash;taken from the French, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li>
+<li>Confirmed Invalid, A, <a href="#Page_1">1</a></li>
+<li>Congratulation to One who Curled His Hair, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li>
+<li>Conjugal Caution, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li>
+<li>Conjugal Conclusion, A, <a href="#Page_282">282</a></li>
+<li>Connoisseur, The, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li>
+<li>Connubial Compliment, A, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li>
+<li>Conservative Logic, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li>
+<li>Considerable Latitude, <a href="#Page_44">44</a></li>
+<li>Considerate Mayor, A, <a href="#Page_292">292</a></li>
+<li>Considerate Son, A, <a href="#Page_89">89</a></li>
+<li>Consistency, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li>
+<li>Constancy, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li>
+<li>Constitutional Pun, A, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li>
+<li>Contraband Scotchman, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li>
+<li>Convenient Theory, A, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li>
+<li>Convert, A, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li>
+<li>Cooke's Explanation of the Family Plate, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li>
+<li>Cooking his Goose, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li>
+<li>Cool as a Cucumber, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li>
+<li>Cool Hand, A, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li>
+<li>Cool Proposition, A, <a href="#Page_299">299</a></li>
+<li>Cool Retort, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li>
+<li>Corporation Politeness, <a href="#Page_219">219</a></li>
+<li>Corruptly Incorruptible, <a href="#Page_172">172</a></li>
+<li>Couleur de Rose, <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li>
+<li>Coulson, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li>
+<li>Credit, <a href="#Page_269">269</a></li>
+<li>Critical Politeness, <a href="#Page_30">30</a></li>
+<li>Criticising a Statue, <a href="#Page_152">152</a></li>
+<li>Critics, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li>
+<li>Cromwell, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li>
+<li>Cruel Case, A, <a href="#Page_229">229</a></li>
+<li>Cruel Suggestion, <a href="#Page_68">68</a></li>
+<li>Cup and Saucer, <a href="#Page_200">200</a></li>
+<li>Cut and Come Again, <a href="#Page_51">51</a></li>
+<li>Cut Direct, The, <a href="#Page_124">124</a></li>
+<li>Cut Infernal, The, <a href="#Page_103">103</a></li>
+<li>Cutting, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li>
+<li>Cutting an Acquaintance, <a href="#Page_253">253</a></li>
+<li>Cutting his Coat, <a href="#Page_57">57</a></li>
+<li>Cutting off the Supplies, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li>
+<li>Cutting on both Sides, <a href="#Page_69">69</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Damped Ardor</span>, <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li>
+<li>Dancing Prelates, The, <a href="#Page_226">226</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_376" id="Page_376">[Pg 376]</a></span></li>
+<li>Dangerous Generalization, A, <a href="#Page_243">243</a></li>
+<li>Dead Language, <a href="#Page_110">110</a></li>
+<li>Deadly Weapon, A, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li>
+<li>Dear Bargain, A, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li>
+<li>Dear Speaker, A, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li>
+<li>Death and Dr. Bolus, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li>
+<li>Death-bed Forgiveness, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li>
+<li>Debt Paid, The, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li>
+<li>Debtor and Creditor, <a href="#Page_126">126</a></li>
+<li>Decanting Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li>
+<li>Defining a Creed, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li>
+<li>Degeneracy, <a href="#Page_129">129</a></li>
+<li>Delicate Hint, <a href="#Page_130">130</a></li>
+<li>Delpini's Remonstrance, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li>
+<li>Democratic Vision, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li>
+<li>Deserved Retort, A, <a href="#Page_64">64</a></li>
+<li>Destitution of the Smith Family, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li>
+<li>Devil's Own, The, <a href="#Page_229">229</a></li>
+<li>Dialogue, A, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li>
+<li>Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland, <a href="#Page_279">279</a></li>
+<li>Dido, <a href="#Page_86">86</a></li>
+<li>Difference, A, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li>
+<li>Difference of Opinion, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li>
+<li>Difficult Task, A, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li>
+<li>Difficulties in either Case, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li>
+<li>Diffidence, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li>
+<li>Dilemma, A, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li>
+<li>Dinner Code, <a href="#Page_368">368</a></li>
+<li>Direct Road, The, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li>
+<li>Disappointing Subscriber, A, <a href="#Page_194">194</a></li>
+<li>Disapprobation, <a href="#Page_45">45</a></li>
+<li>"Distant" Friend, A, <a href="#Page_259">259</a></li>
+<li>Distant Prospect, A, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li>
+<li>Distressful Denouement, A <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li>
+<li>Doctor Glynn's Receipt for Dressing a Cucumber, <a href="#Page_285">285</a></li>
+<li>Doctor Weather-eye, <a href="#Page_59">59</a></li>
+<li>Doctrine of Chances, The, <a href="#Page_15">15</a></li>
+<li>Dodging a Creditor, <a href="#Page_136">136</a></li>
+<li>Dogged Answer, A, <a href="#Page_10">10</a></li>
+<li>Dog-matic, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li>
+<li>Dogmatism, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li>
+<li>Dog Tax, The, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li>
+<li>Doing Homage, <a href="#Page_223">223</a></li>
+<li>Domestic Economy, <a href="#Page_92">92</a></li>
+<li>Done for, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li>
+<li>Donne, Dr., <a href="#Page_362">362</a></li>
+<li>Double Knock, A, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li>
+<li>Double Sight, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li>
+<li>"Double Times," A, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li>
+<li>Doubt Explained, The, <a href="#Page_353">353</a></li>
+<li>Doubtful Compliment, A, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li>
+<li>Doubtful Creed, A, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li>
+<li>Dreadful Suspicion, A, <a href="#Page_328">328</a></li>
+<li>Drinking Alone, <a href="#Page_174">174</a></li>
+<li>Driving it Home, <a href="#Page_113">113</a></li>
+<li>Droll to Order, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li>
+<li>Drop, A, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li>
+<li>Dry, but not Thirsty, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li>
+<li>Dry Fellow, A, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li>
+<li>Dry Humor, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li>
+<li>Dull Man, A, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li>
+<li>Dulness of a Debate, <a href="#Page_162">162</a></li>
+<li>Dunning and Lord Mansfield, <a href="#Page_39">39</a></li>
+<li>Dunning and Lord Thurlow, <a href="#Page_97">97</a></li>
+<li>Duplex Movement, <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li>
+<li>Dutiful Daughter, A, <a href="#Page_309">309</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Early Birds of Prey</span>, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li>
+<li>Early Habits, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li>
+<li>Easily Answered, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li>
+<li>Easily Satisfied, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li>
+<li>East Indian Chaplaincy, An, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li>
+<li>Easy as Lying, <a href="#Page_29">29</a></li>
+<li>Easy Way, An, <a href="#Page_302">302</a></li>
+<li>Ebenezer Adams, <a href="#Page_150">150</a></li>
+<li>Effort of Memory, An, <a href="#Page_163">163</a></li>
+<li>Elegant Compliment, <a href="#Page_32">32</a></li>
+<li>Elegant Retort, <a href="#Page_205">205</a></li>
+<li>Elliston and George IV., <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li>
+<li>Eloquent Silence, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li>
+<li>Emperor of China, <a href="#Page_48">48</a></li>
+<li>Empty Gun, The, <a href="#Page_113">113</a></li>
+<li>Empty Head, An, <a href="#Page_92">92</a></li>
+<li>Encouragement, <a href="#Page_216">216</a></li>
+<li>Endless Task, An, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li>
+<li>Entering the Lists, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li>
+<li>Entertaining Proposition, An, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li>
+<li>Envy, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li>
+<li><span class="smcap">Epigrams</span>:&mdash;
+<ul>
+<li>  Accounting for the Apostacy of Ministers, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li>
+<li>  Addressed to Miss Edgeworth, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li>
+<li>  A Good Word for Ministers, <a href="#Page_39">39</a></li>
+<li>  An Affirmative, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li>
+<li>  By a Plucked Man, <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li>
+<li>  Conversational, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li>
+<li>  "Cumberland", <a href="#Page_34">34</a></li>
+<li>  From the Italian, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li>
+<li>  "I'm Living Still", <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li>
+<li>  "Life is a Lottery", <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li>
+<li>  "Nature" the Shoulder to the Burden suits, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li>
+<li>  On a Bad Man, <a href="#Page_47">47</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_377" id="Page_377">[Pg 377]</a></span></li>
+<li>  On a Bald Head, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li>
+<li>  On a certain M.P.'s Indisposition, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li>
+<li>  On a Debtor Lord, <a href="#Page_222">222</a></li>
+<li>  On a Gentleman named Heddy, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li>
+<li>  On a Great Talker, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li>
+<li>  On a Jury, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li>
+<li>  On a Lady who Squinted, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li>
+<li>  On a Lady who was Painted, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li>
+<li>  On a Little Member's Versatility, <a href="#Page_203">203</a></li>
+<li>  On a New Duke, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li>
+<li>  On a Petit-Ma&icirc;tre Physician, <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li>
+<li>  On a Squinting Poetess, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li>
+<li>  On a Stone thrown at a very Great Man, but which missed him, <a href="#Page_26">26</a></li>
+<li>  On a Student, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li>
+<li>  On Alderman Wood, <a href="#Page_224">224</a></li>
+<li>  On an M.P. who recently got his Election at the Sacrifice of his Political Character, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li>
+<li>  On Bank Notes being made a Legal Tender, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li>
+<li>  On Bishop &mdash;&mdash;'s Religion, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li>
+<li>  On Black and White, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li>
+<li>  On Blank Cartridge, <a href="#Page_341">341</a></li>
+<li>  On Bloomfield, the Poet, <a href="#Page_291">291</a></li>
+<li>  On Butler's Monument, <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li>
+<li>  On Charles Kean, the Actor, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li>
+<li>  On Cibber, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li>
+<li>  On "Disloyal" Collins, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li>
+<li>  On Dr. Glynn's Beauty, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li>
+<li>  On Dr. Lettsom, <a href="#Page_290">290</a></li>
+<li>  On Dr. Walcot's Application for Shield's Ivory Opera Pass, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li>
+<li>  On Dr. Walcot's Request for Ivory Tickets, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li>
+<li>  On Drink, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li>
+<li>  On Hearing a prosing Harangue from a certain Bishop, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li>
+<li>  On Interminable Harangues, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li>
+<li>  On Jekyll's nearly being thrown down by a very small Pig, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li>
+<li>  On L&mdash;d&mdash;d&mdash;y, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li>
+<li>  On Lord &mdash;&mdash;'s delivering his Speeches in a sitting Position, owing to excessive Gout, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li>
+<li>  On Lord E&mdash;nb&mdash;h's Pericranium, <a href="#Page_89">89</a></li>
+<li>  On Lord W&mdash;&mdash;'s saying the Independence of the House of Lords is gone, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li>
+<li>  On Marriage, <a href="#Page_170">170</a></li>
+<li>  On Meanness, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li>
+<li>  On Mr. Croker, <a href="#Page_111">111</a></li>
+<li>  On Mr. Gully, <a href="#Page_234">234</a></li>
+<li>  On Mr. Pitt's being pelted by the Mob, <a href="#Page_295">295</a></li>
+<li>  On Mr. Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper, <a href="#Page_239">239</a></li>
+<li>  On Neglect of Judicial Duties, <a href="#Page_129">129</a></li>
+<li>  On Phryne, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li>
+<li>  On Pride, <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li>
+<li>  On Rogers, the Poet, <a href="#Page_226">226</a></li>
+<li>  On Shelley's Poem, "Prometheus Unbound", <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li>
+<li>  On Sir Walter Scott's Poem of "Waterloo", <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li>
+<li>  On the alleged Disinterestedness of a certain Prelate, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li>
+<li>  On the charge of Illegally Pawning brought against Captain B&mdash;&mdash;, M.P., <a href="#Page_200">200</a></li>
+<li>  On the Column to the Duke of York's Memory, <a href="#Page_29">29</a></li>
+<li>  On the Death of Foote, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li>
+<li>  On the Depth of Lord &mdash;&mdash;'s Arguments, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li>
+<li>  On the Disappointment of the Whigs, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li>
+<li>  On the Duke of &mdash;&mdash;'s Consistency, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li>
+<li>  On the Four Georges, <a href="#Page_294">294</a></li>
+<li>  On the Immortality of &mdash;&mdash;'s Speeches, <a href="#Page_89">89</a></li>
+<li>  On the King's Double Dealing, <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li>
+<li>  On the late Duke of Buckingham's Moderate Reform, <a href="#Page_328">328</a></li>
+<li>  On the Marriage of a very thin Couple, <a href="#Page_172">172</a></li>
+<li>  On the Name of Keopalani, <a href="#Page_153">153</a></li>
+<li>  On the Oiled and Perfumed Ringlets of a certain Lord, <a href="#Page_178">178</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_378" id="Page_378">[Pg 378]</a></span></li>
+<li>  On the Price of Admission to see the Mammoth Horse, <a href="#Page_266">266</a></li>
+<li>  On the Sincerity of a certain Prelate, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li>
+<li>  On Two Contractors, <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li>
+<li>  On the Two Harveys, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li>
+<li>  On Wolsey, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li>
+<li>  On &mdash;&mdash;'s Ponderous Speeches, <a href="#Page_223">223</a></li>
+<li>  On &mdash;&mdash;'s Veracity, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li>
+<li>  "Pocket your Watch", <a href="#Page_131">131</a></li>
+<li>  Suggested by hearing a Debate, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li>
+<li>  The Tanner, <a href="#Page_115">115</a></li>
+<li>  "There's Nobody at Home", <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li>
+<li>  To Closefist, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li>
+<li>  To Lady Mount E&mdash;&mdash;, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li>
+<li>  "Turncoat", <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li>
+<li>  Upon the Trustworthiness of &mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li>
+<li>  "Very like a Whale", <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li>
+<li>  Written on the Union, 1801, <a href="#Page_298">298</a></li>
+</ul></li>
+<li>Episcopal Sauce, <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li>
+<li>Epitaph for Sir John Vanbrugh, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li>
+<li>Epitaph on a Miser, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li>
+<li>Epitaphs, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li>
+<li>Epitaph upon Peter Staggs, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li>
+<li>Error Corrected, An, <a href="#Page_237">237</a></li>
+<li>Erskine, Henry, <a href="#Page_220">220</a>, <a href="#Page_244">244</a></li>
+<li>Erskine's Firmness, <a href="#Page_327">327</a></li>
+<li>"Essay on Man", <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li>
+<li>Equal to Nothing, <a href="#Page_177">177</a></li>
+<li>Equality, <a href="#Page_52">52</a>, <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li>
+<li>Equality of the Law, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li>
+<li>Equitable Law, <a href="#Page_290">290</a></li>
+<li>Equivocal Preference, An, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li>
+<li>Equivocation, An, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li>
+<li>Erasmus <i>v.</i> Luther, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li>
+<li>Error in Judgment, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li>
+<li>Erudite, <a href="#Page_302">302</a></li>
+<li>Euclid Refuted, <a href="#Page_162">162</a>, <a href="#Page_333">333</a></li>
+<li>Evasion, An, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li>
+<li>Evidence of a Jockey, <a href="#Page_75">75</a></li>
+<li>Exaggeration, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li>
+<li>Excusable Fear, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li>
+<li>Excuse for Cowardice, <a href="#Page_295">295</a></li>
+<li>Existence of Matter, <a href="#Page_363">363</a></li>
+<li>Expectoration, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li>
+<li>Expensive Job, An, <a href="#Page_362">362</a></li>
+<li>Expensive Trip, An, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li>
+<li>Experimentum Crucis, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li>
+<li>Explanation, An, <a href="#Page_180">180</a></li>
+<li>Extenuating Circumstances, <a href="#Page_119">119</a></li>
+<li>Extinguisher, An, <a href="#Page_12">12</a></li>
+<li>Extraordinary Compromise, <a href="#Page_177">177</a></li>
+<li>Extreme Simplicity, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li>
+<li>Extremely Sulphurous, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li>
+<li>Extremes Meet, <a href="#Page_59">59</a>, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li>
+<li>Eye to Profit, An, <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Fair Distribution, A</span>, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li>
+<li>Fair Play, <a href="#Page_204">204</a></li>
+<li>Fair Proposal, A, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li>
+<li>Fair Repulse, A, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li>
+<li>Fair Substitute, A, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li>
+<li>Fairly Won, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li>
+<li>Fall in Mitres, A, <a href="#Page_23">23</a></li>
+<li>False Delicacy, <a href="#Page_23">23</a></li>
+<li>False Estimate, <a href="#Page_216">216</a></li>
+<li>False Face True, A, <a href="#Page_292">292</a></li>
+<li>False Quantities, <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li>
+<li>False Quantity, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li>
+<li>Familiar Friend, A, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li>
+<li>Familiar Illustration, A, <a href="#Page_41">41</a></li>
+<li>Familiarity, <a href="#Page_177">177</a></li>
+<li>Family Party, A, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li>
+<li>Family Pride, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li>
+<li>Farcical, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li>
+<li>Farmer and Attorney, <a href="#Page_44">44</a></li>
+<li>Farren, the Actor, On, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li>
+<li>Fashion and Virtue, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li>
+<li>Fat and Lean, <a href="#Page_264">264</a></li>
+<li>Fatigue Duty, <a href="#Page_152">152</a></li>
+<li>Favorite Air, A, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li>
+<li>Fear of Educating Women, <a href="#Page_140">140</a></li>
+<li>Feeling His Way, <a href="#Page_103">103</a></li>
+<li>Feeling Witness, A, <a href="#Page_59">59</a></li>
+<li>Female Talkers, <a href="#Page_49">49</a></li>
+<li>Few Friends, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li>
+<li>Fiction and Truth, <a href="#Page_264">264</a></li>
+<li>Fig for the Grocer, A, <a href="#Page_150">150</a></li>
+<li>Fighting by Measure, <a href="#Page_49">49</a></li>
+<li>Filial Affection, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li>
+<li>Fillip for Him, A, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li>
+<li>Fire and Water, <a href="#Page_155">155</a></li>
+<li>Fire of London, The, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li>
+<li>Fishing for a Compliment, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li>
+<li>Fishy, Rather, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li>
+<li>Fixture, A, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li>
+<li>Flash of Wit, A, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li>
+<li>Flattery turned to Advantage, <a href="#Page_30">30</a></li>
+<li>Flying Colors, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li>
+<li>Following a Leader, <a href="#Page_78">78</a></li>
+<li>Fool and His Money, A, <a href="#Page_359">359</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_379" id="Page_379">[Pg 379]</a></span></li>
+<li>Fool Confirmed, A, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li>
+<li>Fool or Knave, The, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li>
+<li>Foote, <a href="#Page_96">96</a></li>
+<li>Foote and Lord Townsend, <a href="#Page_94">94</a></li>
+<li>Foote's Last Joke, <a href="#Page_368">368</a></li>
+<li>Footiana, <a href="#Page_169">169</a></li>
+<li>Foraging, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li>
+<li>Force of Habit, The, <a href="#Page_125">125</a>, <a href="#Page_257">257</a></li>
+<li>Force of Nature, <a href="#Page_55">55</a></li>
+<li>Force of Satire, The, <a href="#Page_49">49</a></li>
+<li>Forcible Argument, A, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li>
+<li>Foreign Accent, A, <a href="#Page_29">29</a></li>
+<li>Forgetful Man, A, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li>
+<li>Fortunate Expedient, A, <a href="#Page_294">294</a></li>
+<li>Fortunate Stars, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li>
+<li>Fowl Joke, A, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li>
+<li>Fox, Charles James, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li>
+<li>Free Translation, A, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li>
+<li>French Language, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li>
+<li>French Precipitation, <a href="#Page_52">52</a></li>
+<li>Full House, A, <a href="#Page_257">257</a></li>
+<li>Full Inside, <a href="#Page_170">170</a></li>
+<li>Full Proof, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li>
+<li>Full Stop, A, <a href="#Page_264">264</a></li>
+<li>Funeral Invitation, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Gambling</span>, <a href="#Page_234">234</a></li>
+<li>Garrick and Foote, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li>
+<li>Garth and Rowe, <a href="#Page_357">357</a></li>
+<li>Generosity and Prudence, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li>
+<li>Gently, Jemmy, <a href="#Page_151">151</a></li>
+<li>Genuine Irish Bull, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li>
+<li>Genuine Laziness, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li>
+<li>George II. and the Recorder, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li>
+<li>Getting a Living, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li>
+<li>"Getting the Worst of It", <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li>
+<li>Gluttons and Epicures, <a href="#Page_153">153</a></li>
+<li>Going from the Point, <a href="#Page_335">335</a></li>
+<li>Going to Extremes, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li>
+<li>Gone Out, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li>
+<li>Good Advice, <a href="#Page_3">3</a>, <a href="#Page_152">152</a>, <a href="#Page_209">209</a>, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li>
+<li>Good at a Pinch, <a href="#Page_223">223</a></li>
+<li>Good Appetite, A, <a href="#Page_254">254</a></li>
+<li>Good at the Halt, <a href="#Page_302">302</a></li>
+<li>Good Authority, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li>
+<li>Good Character, A, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li>
+<li>Good Critic, A, <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li>
+<li>Good Enough for a Pig, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li>
+<li>Good Evidence, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li>
+<li>Good Example, A, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li>
+<li>Good Excuse, A, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li>
+<li>Good Eyes, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li>
+<li>Good Hearing, <a href="#Page_206">206</a></li>
+<li>Good-hearted Fellow, A, <a href="#Page_81">81</a></li>
+<li>Good Investment, A, <a href="#Page_235">235</a></li>
+<li>Good Jail Delivery, A, <a href="#Page_183">183</a></li>
+<li>Good Joke, A, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li>
+<li>Good Judge, A, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li>
+<li>Good Likeness, A, <a href="#Page_253">253</a></li>
+<li>Good Mixture, A, <a href="#Page_283">283</a></li>
+<li>Good Neighbor, A, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li>
+<li>Good News for the Chancellor, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li>
+<li>Good One, A, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li>
+<li>Good Parson, A, <a href="#Page_14">14</a></li>
+<li>Good Place, A, <a href="#Page_30">30</a></li>
+<li>Good Reason, A, <a href="#Page_47">47</a>, <a href="#Page_50">50</a>, <a href="#Page_53">53</a>, <a href="#Page_78">78</a></li>
+<li>Good Reason for a Bad Cause, A, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li>
+<li>Good Recommendation, A, <a href="#Page_266">266</a></li>
+<li>Good Riddance, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li>
+<li>Good Servant, A, <a href="#Page_66">66</a></li>
+<li>Good Sport, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li>
+<li>Good Swimmer, A, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li>
+<li>Good Translation, A, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li>
+<li>Good Wife, A, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li>
+<li>Gouty Shoe, The, <a href="#Page_189">189</a></li>
+<li>Graceful Excuse, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></li>
+<li>Graceful Illustration, A, <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li>
+<li>Grafting, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li>
+<li>Grammatical Distinction, A, <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li>
+<li>Grandiloquence, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li>
+<li>Grandson, The, <a href="#Page_299">299</a></li>
+<li>Grave Doctor, A, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li>
+<li>Great Cabbage, <a href="#Page_251">251</a></li>
+<li>Great Difference, A, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li>
+<li>Gretna Customer, A, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li>
+<li>Grim Joke, A, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li>
+<li>Growl, A, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li>
+<li>Grunt, A, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li>
+<li>Guide to Government Situations, A, <a href="#Page_59">59</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Habeas Corpus Act</span>, <a href="#Page_194">194</a></li>
+<li>Half-way, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li>
+<li>Hand and Glove, <a href="#Page_21">21</a></li>
+<li>Handsome Contribution, A, <a href="#Page_42">42</a></li>
+<li>Happiness, <a href="#Page_41">41</a></li>
+<li>Happy Man, A, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li>
+<li>Happy Suggestion, A, <a href="#Page_32">32</a></li>
+<li>Hard Hit, A, <a href="#Page_187">187</a></li>
+<li>Hard of Digestion, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li>
+<li>Hard-ware, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li>
+<li>Having a Call, <a href="#Page_258">258</a></li>
+<li>Heavy Weight, A, <a href="#Page_296">296</a></li>
+<li>He "Lies Like Truth", <a href="#Page_21">21</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_380" id="Page_380">[Pg 380]</a></span></li>
+<li>He who Sung "The Lays of Ancient Rome", <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li>
+<li>Henry VIII., <a href="#Page_278">278</a></li>
+<li>Hero-phobia, <a href="#Page_20">20</a></li>
+<li>Hesitation in his Writing, <a href="#Page_59">59</a></li>
+<li>Hiatus, A, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li>
+<li>Hic-cupping, <a href="#Page_10">10</a></li>
+<li>High and Low, <a href="#Page_36">36</a></li>
+<li>High Gaming, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li>
+<li>Highland Politeness, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></li>
+<li>Hinc <ins class="correct" title="Transcriber's note: Corrected from Ill&aelig;">Ille</ins> Lachrym&aelig;, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li>
+<li>Hint for Genealogists, A, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li>
+<li>His Way&mdash;Out, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li>
+<li>Hoaxing an Audience, <a href="#Page_206">206</a></li>
+<li>Holland's Funeral, <a href="#Page_308">308</a></li>
+<li>Home Argument, A, <a href="#Page_72">72</a></li>
+<li>Home is Home, <a href="#Page_19">19</a></li>
+<li>Honest Horse, An, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li>
+<li>Honest Man's Litany, The, <a href="#Page_204">204</a></li>
+<li>Honest Warranty, An, <a href="#Page_94">94</a></li>
+<li>Honor, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li>
+<li>Honor to Tipperary, An, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li>
+<li>Hook's Politeness, <a href="#Page_127">127</a></li>
+<li>Hopeful Pupil, The, <a href="#Page_124">124</a></li>
+<li>Hopeless Invasion, A, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li>
+<li>Horne Tooke and Wilkes, <a href="#Page_284">284</a></li>
+<li>Horse Laugh, A, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li>
+<li>Horses to Grass, <a href="#Page_285">285</a></li>
+<li>How to Escape Taxation, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li>
+<li>How to get rid of an Enemy, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li>
+<li>How to make a Man of Consequence, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li>
+<li>Howe, Lord, <a href="#Page_278">278</a></li>
+<li>Human Happiness, <a href="#Page_64">64</a></li>
+<li>Humane Society at an Evening Party, The, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li>
+<li>Humor under Difficulties, <a href="#Page_52">52</a></li>
+<li>Humorist Piqued, A, <a href="#Page_339">339</a></li>
+<li>Husbanding his Resources, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li>
+<li>Husband's Marriage, On Mr., <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li>"<span class="smcap">I can get Through</span>", <a href="#Page_263">263</a></li>
+<li>Idolatry, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li>
+<li>Illegal Indorsement, An, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li>
+<li>Imitation of a Cow, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li>
+<li>Important to Bachelors, <a href="#Page_280">280</a></li>
+<li>Impossible in the Evening, <a href="#Page_254">254</a></li>
+<li>Impossible Renunciation, An, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li>
+<li>Impromptu by Counsellor Bushe, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li>
+<li>Impromptu by R.B. Sheridan, <a href="#Page_180">180</a></li>
+<li>Impromptu on an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li>
+<li>Impromptu&mdash;"St. Stephen's Walls", <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li>
+<li>Impromptu&mdash;"The Fall of Sparta", <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li>
+<li>Impudent Wit, An, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li>
+<li>Inadvertence and Epicurism, <a href="#Page_286">286</a></li>
+<li>Incapacity, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li>
+<li>Inconvenient Breakdown, An, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li>
+<li>Incredible, <a href="#Page_5">5</a></li>
+<li>Independence, <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li>
+<li>Indifference to Death, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li>
+<li>Indifference to Life, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li>
+<li>In-door Relief, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li>
+<li>Industry and Perseverance, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li>
+<li>Industry of the English People, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li>
+<li>Inevitable Misfortune, An, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li>
+<li>Information easily Acquired, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li>
+<li>Ingenious Device, An, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li>
+<li>Ingenious Reply of a Soldier, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li>
+<li>Ingenuousness, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li>
+<li>Ingratitude, <a href="#Page_58">58</a>, <a href="#Page_283">283</a></li>
+<li>Inhospitable Irishman, An, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li>
+<li>In Memoriam, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li>
+<li>Inquest Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_97">97</a>, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li>
+<li>Inquest&mdash;not Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li>
+<li>Inquests Extraordinary, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li>
+<li>Inscription on Inscriptions, An, <a href="#Page_2">2</a></li>
+<li>Insurance Assurance, <a href="#Page_360">360</a></li>
+<li>In Suspense, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li>
+<li>Interested Inquiry, <a href="#Page_357">357</a></li>
+<li>In the Background, <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li>
+<li>In the Dark, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li>
+<li>Introductory Ceremony, An, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li>
+<li>Intruder Rebuked, The, <a href="#Page_30">30</a></li>
+<li>In Want of a Husband, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li>
+<li>Ireland's Forgery, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li>
+<li>Irish and Scotch Loyalty, <a href="#Page_290">290</a></li>
+<li>Irish Imprudence, <a href="#Page_291">291</a></li>
+<li>Irishman's Notion of Discount, An, <a href="#Page_282">282</a></li>
+<li>Irishman's Plea, An, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li>
+<li>Iron Duke, The, <a href="#Page_118">118</a></li>
+<li>"I Takes 'em as they Come", <a href="#Page_341">341</a></li>
+<li>"I've Done the same Thing often", <a href="#Page_103">103</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">James Smith and Justice Holroyd</span>, <a href="#Page_235">235</a></li>
+<li>Jemmy Gordon, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li>
+<li>Jest of Ancestry, The, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li>
+<li>Jew's Eye to Business, A, <a href="#Page_286">286</a></li>
+<li>Johnson and Mrs. Siddons, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li>
+<li>Johnson, Dr., <a href="#Page_190">190</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_381" id="Page_381">[Pg 381]</a></span></li>
+<li>Johnson, Dr., without Variation, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li>
+<li>Johnson's, Dr., Opinion of Mrs. Siddons, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li>
+<li>Joint Concern, A, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li>
+<li>Joke from the North, A, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li>
+<li>Jolly Companions, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li>
+<li>Jonson, Ben, <a href="#Page_99">99</a></li>
+<li>Judge in a Fog, A, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li>
+<li>Judgment, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li>
+<li>"Junius" discovered, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li>
+<li>Jury Case, A, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li>
+<li>Just as Wonderful, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li>
+<li>Just Debtor, A, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li>
+<li>Justice Midas, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li>
+<li>Justice not always Blind, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Kean's Impromptu</span>, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li>
+<li>Keen Reply, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li>
+<li>Keeping a Conscience, <a href="#Page_126">126</a></li>
+<li>Keeping a Promise, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li>
+<li>Keeping It to Himself, <a href="#Page_333">333</a></li>
+<li>Keeping Time, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li>
+<li>Kew, The Way to, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li>
+<li>Killed by His Own Remedy, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li>
+<li>Kind Hint, A, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li>
+<li>Kitchener and Colman, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li>
+<li>Knotty Point, A, <a href="#Page_47">47</a></li>
+<li>Knowing Best, <a href="#Page_183">183</a></li>
+<li>Knowing His Man, <a href="#Page_91">91</a>, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li>
+<li>Knowing His Place, <a href="#Page_69">69</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Lady Anne</span>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li>
+<li>Lamb and Erskine, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li>
+<li>Lamb and Sharp Sauce, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li>
+<li>Lame Beggar, The, <a href="#Page_308">308</a></li>
+<li>Landlord and Tenants, <a href="#Page_48">48</a></li>
+<li>Large, but Not Large Enough, <a href="#Page_219">219</a></li>
+<li>Last Resource, A, <a href="#Page_274">274</a></li>
+<li>"Last War," The, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li>
+<li>Late and Early, <a href="#Page_203">203</a></li>
+<li>Late Dinner, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li>
+<li>Late Discoverer, A, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li>
+<li>Late Edition, A, <a href="#Page_15">15</a></li>
+<li>Latimer, <a href="#Page_295">295</a></li>
+<li>Latin for Cold, The, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li>
+<li>Latin Gerunds, On the, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li>
+<li>Law and Physic, <a href="#Page_181">181</a>, <a href="#Page_333">333</a></li>
+<li>Law and the Scottish Thane, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li>
+<li>Lawyer's House, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li>
+<li>Lawyer's Opinion of Law, A, <a href="#Page_99">99</a></li>
+<li>Leaving His Verdict, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li>
+<li>Leg Wit, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li>
+<li>Legal Adulteration, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li>
+<li>Legal Extravagance, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li>
+<li>L'Envoy, <a href="#Page_368">368</a></li>
+<li>Letter C, The, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li>
+<li>Letter H, The, <a href="#Page_136">136</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li>
+<li>Letter Wanting, A, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li>
+<li>Liberal Gift, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li>
+<li>Licensed to Kill, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li>
+<li>Lie for Lie, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li>
+<li>Light Bread, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li>
+<li>Light-headed, <a href="#Page_20">20</a></li>
+<li>Light Joke, A, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li>
+<li>Light Study, A, <a href="#Page_19">19</a></li>
+<li>Light Subject, The, <a href="#Page_4">4</a></li>
+<li>Lincoln's-Inn Dinners, <a href="#Page_207">207</a></li>
+<li>Lines to O'Keefe, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li>
+<li>Lingual Infection, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li>
+<li>Liquid Remedy for Baldness, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li>
+<li>Liston's Dream, <a href="#Page_148">148</a></li>
+<li>Literal Joke, A, <a href="#Page_125">125</a></li>
+<li>Literary Pastime, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li>
+<li>Literary Rendering, A, <a href="#Page_284">284</a></li>
+<li>Little to Give, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li>
+<li>Long Ago, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li>
+<li>Long Bill, A, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li>
+<li>Long Illness, A, <a href="#Page_279">279</a></li>
+<li>Long Residence, A, <a href="#Page_239">239</a></li>
+<li>Long Story, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li>
+<li>Look-A-head, <a href="#Page_178">178</a></li>
+<li>Look in his Face, <a href="#Page_12">12</a></li>
+<li>Losing an I, <a href="#Page_113">113</a></li>
+<li>Lost and Found, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li>
+<li>Love, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li>
+<li>Love and Hymen, <a href="#Page_148">148</a></li>
+<li>Love of the Sea, <a href="#Page_157">157</a></li>
+<li>Love Songs, by Dean Swift, <a href="#Page_32">32</a></li>
+<li>Lusus Natur&aelig;, A, <a href="#Page_189">189</a></li>
+<li>Luxurious Smoking, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li>
+<li>Lying, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li>
+<li>Lying Consistently, <a href="#Page_20">20</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Mac ready to Call</span>, <a href="#Page_178">178</a></li>
+<li>Mad Quakers, <a href="#Page_138">138</a></li>
+<li>Maids and Wives, <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li>
+<li>Majesty of Mud, The, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li>
+<li>Making a Clearance, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li>
+<li>Making Free, <a href="#Page_263">263</a></li>
+<li>Making Free with the Waist, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li>
+<li>Making It Up, <a href="#Page_52">52</a></li>
+<li>Making Progress, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li>
+<li>Malone, Sir Anthony, <a href="#Page_184">184</a></li>
+<li>Man and a Brother, A, <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li>
+<li>Man of Letters, A, <a href="#Page_26">26</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_382" id="Page_382">[Pg 382]</a></span></li>
+<li>Man of Metal, A, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li>
+<li>Man-traps, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li>
+<li>Man Without a Rival, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li>
+<li>Mark of Respect, A, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li>
+<li>Marriage, <a href="#Page_82">82</a>, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li>
+<li>Matrimony, <a href="#Page_349">349</a></li>
+<li>Matter in His Madness, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li>
+<li>Maule-practice, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li>
+<li>Measure for Measure, <a href="#Page_64">64</a>, <a href="#Page_146">146</a></li>
+<li>Measure of a Brain, The, <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li>
+<li>Measuring his Distance, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li>
+<li>Mechanical Surgeon, A, <a href="#Page_169">169</a></li>
+<li>Medical Opinion, A, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li>
+<li>Medicine must be of Use, The, <a href="#Page_62">62</a></li>
+<li>Melo-dramatic Hit, <a href="#Page_279">279</a></li>
+<li>Men of Letters, <a href="#Page_205">205</a></li>
+<li>Men of Weight, <a href="#Page_322">322</a></li>
+<li>Merry Thought, A, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li>
+<li>Michaelmas Meeting, A, <a href="#Page_331">331</a></li>
+<li>Milesian Advice, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li>
+<li>Military Axiom, A, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li>
+<li>Military Eloquence, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li>
+<li>Milton on Woman, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li>
+<li>Mind your Points, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li>
+<li>Minding his Business, <a href="#Page_107">107</a></li>
+<li>Minding his Cue, <a href="#Page_203">203</a></li>
+<li>Miser's Charity, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li>
+<li>Mistake, A, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li>
+<li>Mistaken Identity, <a href="#Page_13">13</a></li>
+<li>Model Philanthropist, A, <a href="#Page_251">251</a></li>
+<li>Modern Acting, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li>
+<li>Modern Sculptor, A, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li>
+<li>Modest, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li>
+<li>Modest Merit, <a href="#Page_75">75</a></li>
+<li>Modest Request, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li>
+<li>Money-Borrower Deceived, The, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li>
+<li>Money-Lender, A, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li>
+<li>Money Returned, <a href="#Page_21">21</a></li>
+<li>Money's <ins class="correct" title="Transcriber's note: Original reads Work">Worth</ins>, <a href="#Page_188">188</a></li>
+<li>Money's Worth, <a href="#Page_233">233</a>, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li>
+<li>Monster, A, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li>
+<li>Moral Equality of Man, <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li>
+<li>More Honored in the Breach, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li>
+<li>Mot of Defoe, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li>
+<li>Motherly Remark, <a href="#Page_233">233</a></li>
+<li>Much Alike, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li>
+<li>Multiplying One, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li>
+<li>Musical Blow-up, A, <a href="#Page_174">174</a></li>
+<li>Musical Taste, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li>
+<li>Mystery Cleared Up, A, <a href="#Page_237">237</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Nameless Man, A</span>, <a href="#Page_260">260</a></li>
+<li>Napoleon's Statue at Boulogne, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li>
+<li>Nat Lee and Sir Roger L'Estrange, <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li>
+<li>National Prejudice, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li>
+<li>Native Wit, <a href="#Page_35">35</a></li>
+<li>Natural, <a href="#Page_300">300</a></li>
+<li>Natural Antipathy, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li>
+<li>Natural Grief, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></li>
+<li>Natural Transmutation, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li>
+<li>Nature and Art, <a href="#Page_273">273</a></li>
+<li>Naval Oratory, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li>
+<li>Neat Quotation, A, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li>
+<li>Neat Suggestion, A, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li>
+<li>Neck or Nothing, <a href="#Page_24">24</a></li>
+<li>Neighborly Politeness, <a href="#Page_296">296</a></li>
+<li>New Disguise, A, <a href="#Page_141">141</a></li>
+<li>New Idea, A, <a href="#Page_296">296</a></li>
+<li>New Reading, A, <a href="#Page_201">201</a>, <a href="#Page_271">271</a></li>
+<li>New Relationship, <a href="#Page_3">3</a>, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li>
+<li>New Scholar, A, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li>
+<li>New Sign, A, <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li>
+<li>New Sport, A, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li>
+<li>New view, A, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li>
+<li>New Way to Pay Old Debts, <a href="#Page_29">29</a></li>
+<li>New Way with Attorneys, A, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li>
+<li>Nice Distinction, A, <a href="#Page_95">95</a>, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li>
+<li>Nice Language, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li>
+<li>Nicknames, <a href="#Page_265">265</a></li>
+<li>Night and Morning, <a href="#Page_170">170</a></li>
+<li>Nil Nisi, &amp;c., <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li>
+<li>No Harm Done, <a href="#Page_2">2</a></li>
+<li>No Intrusion, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li>
+<li>No Joke, <a href="#Page_253">253</a></li>
+<li>No Judge, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li>
+<li>No Matter what Color, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li>
+<li>No Music in his Soul, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li>
+<li>No Pride, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li>
+<li>No Redeeming Virtue, <a href="#Page_309">309</a></li>
+<li>No Sacrifice, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li>
+<li>Noise for Nothing, A, <a href="#Page_167">167</a></li>
+<li>Nominal Rhymes, <a href="#Page_83">83</a></li>
+<li>Non Compos <a href="#Page_260">260</a></li>
+<li>Non Sequitur, <a href="#Page_57">57</a></li>
+<li>"None so Blind," &amp;c., <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li>
+<li>North, Lord, Asleep, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li>
+<li>North's, Lord, Drollery, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li>
+<li>Nosce te Ipsum, <a href="#Page_243">243</a></li>
+<li>Not at all Anxious, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li>
+<li>Not at Home, <a href="#Page_207">207</a></li>
+<li>Not Finding Himself, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li>
+<li>Not giving Himself "Airs", <a href="#Page_305">305</a></li>
+<li>Not Importunate, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li>
+<li>Not Improbable, <a href="#Page_308">308</a></li>
+<li>Not Insured Against Fire, <a href="#Page_186">186</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_383" id="Page_383">[Pg 383]</a></span></li>
+<li>Not Necessary, <a href="#Page_228">228</a></li>
+<li>Not Polite, <a href="#Page_119">119</a></li>
+<li>Not Quite Correct, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li>
+<li>Not Right, <a href="#Page_20">20</a></li>
+<li>Not Room for a Neighbor, <a href="#Page_339">339</a></li>
+<li>Not Sick Enough for That, <a href="#Page_273">273</a></li>
+<li>Not so Bad for a King, <a href="#Page_58">58</a></li>
+<li>Not so "Daft" as Reputed, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li>
+<li>Not so Easy, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li>
+<li>Not to be Believed, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li>
+<li>Not to be Bought, <a href="#Page_68">68</a></li>
+<li>Not to be Done Brown, <a href="#Page_276">276</a></li>
+<li>Not to be Tempted, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li>
+<li>Not to be Trifled with, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li>
+<li>Not True, <a href="#Page_154">154</a></li>
+<li>Not <i>v.</i> Nott, <a href="#Page_35">35</a></li>
+<li>Nothing but Hebrew, <a href="#Page_266">266</a></li>
+<li>Nothing but the "Bill", <a href="#Page_12">12</a></li>
+<li>Nothing Personal, <a href="#Page_190">190</a></li>
+<li>Nothing Surprising, <a href="#Page_339">339</a></li>
+<li>Nothing to Boast of, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li>
+<li>Nothing to Laugh at, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li>
+<li>Notice to Quit, <a href="#Page_125">125</a></li>
+<li>Notions of Happiness, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li>
+<li>Novel Complaint, A, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li>
+<li>Novel Idea, A, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li>
+<li>Novel Offence, <a href="#Page_45">45</a></li>
+<li>Novelty, A, <a href="#Page_66">66</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+
+<li><span class="smcap">Objectionable Process, A</span>, <a href="#Page_328">328</a></li>
+<li>Ocular, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li>
+<li>Odd Bird, An, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li>
+<li>Odd Comparison, An, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li>
+<li>Odd Family, An, <a href="#Page_99">99</a></li>
+<li>Odd Fellow, An, <a href="#Page_68">68</a></li>
+<li>Odd Foresight, <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li>
+<li>Odd Housekeeping, <a href="#Page_225">225</a></li>
+<li>Odd Humor, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li>
+<li>Odd Notion, An, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li>
+<li>Odd Occurrence, An, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li>
+<li>Odd Question, An, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></li>
+<li>Odd Reason, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li>
+<li>"Off with his Head", <a href="#Page_337">337</a></li>
+<li>Offensive Preference, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li>
+<li>Old Adage Refuted, An, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li>
+<li>Old Age, <a href="#Page_162">162</a></li>
+<li>Old Friends, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li>
+<li>Old Joke, An, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li>
+<li>Old Stories over Again, <a href="#Page_52">52</a></li>
+<li>Old Times, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li>
+<li>Ominous, Very!, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li>
+<li>On the Right Side, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li>
+<li>On the Spot, <a href="#Page_327">327</a></li>
+<li>One Bite at a Cherry, <a href="#Page_150">150</a></li>
+<li>One Fault, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li>
+<li>"One for his Nob", <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li>
+<li>One Good Turn Deserves Another, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li>
+<li>One Head Better than a Dozen, <a href="#Page_126">126</a></li>
+<li>One-Sided Joke, A, <a href="#Page_353">353</a></li>
+<li>One-Spur Horseman, The, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li>
+<li>One Thing at a Time, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li>
+<li>One Thing Wanting, The, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li>
+<li>Only a Ninepin, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li>
+<li>Only Enough for One, <a href="#Page_200">200</a></li>
+<li>Only for Life, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li>
+<li>Open Confession, <a href="#Page_289">289</a></li>
+<li>Openly, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li>
+<li>Opposite Tempers, <a href="#Page_281">281</a></li>
+<li>Orators, The, <a href="#Page_185">185</a></li>
+<li>Oratory, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li>
+<li>Order for Two, An, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li>
+<li>Order! Order!, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li>
+<li>Origin of the term Grog, <a href="#Page_268">268</a></li>
+<li>Original Attraction, An, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li>
+<li>Orthography, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li>
+<li>Our English Love of Dinners, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li>
+<li>"Our Landlady", <a href="#Page_246">246</a></li>
+<li>"Out, Brief Candle", <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li>
+<li>Out of Spirits, <a href="#Page_302">302</a></li>
+<li>Outline, An, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li>
+<li>Outline of an Ambassador, <a href="#Page_272">272</a></li>
+<li>Outward Appearance, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li>
+<li>Over-wise, <a href="#Page_101">101</a></li>
+<li>Oxford and Cambridge Actors, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Paddy's Logic</span>, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li>
+<li>Painful Examination, A, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li>
+<li>Painted Charms, <a href="#Page_327">327</a></li>
+<li>Painting, <a href="#Page_162">162</a>, <a href="#Page_166">166</a></li>
+<li>Painting and Medicine, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li>
+<li>Par Nobile Fratrum, <a href="#Page_148">148</a></li>
+<li>Pardonable Mistake, A, <a href="#Page_6">6</a></li>
+<li>Parliamentary Case, <a href="#Page_272">272</a></li>
+<li>Parliamentary Reprimand, <a href="#Page_184">184</a></li>
+<li>Participation in a Practical Joke, <a href="#Page_282">282</a></li>
+<li>Partnership Dissolved, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li>
+<li>Passing the Bottle, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li>
+<li>Pat Reply, A, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li>
+<li>Patience, <a href="#Page_305">305</a></li>
+<li>Patrick Henry, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></li>
+<li>Paying in Kind, <a href="#Page_130">130</a>, <a href="#Page_257">257</a></li>
+<li>Pence Table, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li>
+<li>Perfect Bore, A, <a href="#Page_246">246</a></li>
+<li>Perfect Discontent, <a href="#Page_131">131</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_384" id="Page_384">[Pg 384]</a></span></li>
+<li>Personalities of Garrick and Quin, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li>
+<li>Pert, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li>
+<li>Pertinent Enquiry, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li>
+<li>Pertinent Question, A, <a href="#Page_310">310</a>, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li>
+<li>Phenomenon Accounted for, A, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li>
+<li>Philanthropist, The, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li>
+<li>Philip, Earl, of Stanhope, <a href="#Page_359">359</a></li>
+<li>Philosophical Reason, A, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li>
+<li>Phonetic Joke, A, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li>
+<li>Picking Pockets, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li>
+<li>Pickpocketing, <a href="#Page_97">97</a></li>
+<li>Piece de Resistance, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li>
+<li>Piece of Plate, A, <a href="#Page_113">113</a></li>
+<li>Pig-headed, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li>
+<li>Pigs and the Silver Spoon, The, <a href="#Page_292">292</a></li>
+<li>Pill Gratis, A, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li>
+<li>Pink of Politeness, The, <a href="#Page_36">36</a></li>
+<li>Pious Minister, A, <a href="#Page_131">131</a></li>
+<li>Place Wanted, A, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li>
+<li>Placebo, A, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li>
+<li>Plain Enough, <a href="#Page_267">267</a></li>
+<li>Plain Language, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li>
+<li>Plain Speaking, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li>
+<li>Play upon Words, A, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li>
+<li>Player, or Lord, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li>
+<li>Playing on a Word, <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li>
+<li>Pleasant, <a href="#Page_252">252</a></li>
+<li>Pleasant Deserts, <a href="#Page_72">72</a></li>
+<li>Pleasant for a Father, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li>
+<li>Pleasant Invitation, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li>
+<li>Pleasant Message, A, <a href="#Page_363">363</a></li>
+<li>Pleasant Partner, A, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li>
+<li>Plumper, A, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li>
+<li>Plural Number, The, <a href="#Page_249">249</a></li>
+<li>Poet Foiled, The, <a href="#Page_190">190</a></li>
+<li>Poetical shape, A, <a href="#Page_64">64</a></li>
+<li>Poets to certain Critics, The, <a href="#Page_225">225</a></li>
+<li>Point, A, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li>
+<li>Point Needing to be Settled, A, <a href="#Page_349">349</a></li>
+<li>Polite Rebuke, A, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li>
+<li>Polite Scholar, The, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li>
+<li>Political Corruption, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li>
+<li>Political Logic, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li>
+<li>Political Sinecure, <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li>
+<li>Poor Curate, The, <a href="#Page_296">296</a></li>
+<li>Poor Laugh, A, <a href="#Page_349">349</a></li>
+<li>Poor Law, <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li>
+<li>Poor Substitute, A, <a href="#Page_301">301</a></li>
+<li>Pope's Last Illness, <a href="#Page_281">281</a></li>
+<li>Popping the Question, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li>
+<li>Porson <i>v.</i> Dr. Jowett, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li>
+<li>Porson's Visit to the Continent, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li>
+<li>Portmanteau <i>v.</i> Trunk, <a href="#Page_127">127</a></li>
+<li>Portrait Capitally Executed, A, <a href="#Page_8">8</a></li>
+<li>Poser, A, <a href="#Page_44">44</a>, <a href="#Page_203">203</a>, <a href="#Page_226">226</a>, <a href="#Page_267">267</a>, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li>
+<li>Poser by Lord Ellenborough, A, <a href="#Page_170">170</a></li>
+<li>Possible Censors, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li>
+<li>Post-Mortem, <a href="#Page_69">69</a></li>
+<li>Pot Valiant, <a href="#Page_225">225</a></li>
+<li>Powder without Ball, <a href="#Page_281">281</a></li>
+<li>Practical Retort, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li>
+<li>Precautionary, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li>
+<li>Preferable Way, A, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li>
+<li>Preferment, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li>
+<li>Prefix, A, <a href="#Page_283">283</a></li>
+<li>Pressing Reason, A, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li>
+<li>Pretty, <a href="#Page_308">308</a></li>
+<li>Pretty Metaphor, A, <a href="#Page_26">26</a></li>
+<li>Pretty Picture, A, <a href="#Page_38">38</a></li>
+<li>Pretty Reply, A, <a href="#Page_358">358</a></li>
+<li>Previous Engagement, A, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li>
+<li>Priest's Orders, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li>
+<li>Prime's Preservative, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li>
+<li>Primogeniture, <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li>
+<li>Prince of Orange and Judge Jefferies, The, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li>
+<li>Principle of Governments, The, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li>
+<li>Priority, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li>
+<li>Probability, A, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li>
+<li>Problem for Total Abstainers, A, <a href="#Page_352">352</a></li>
+<li>Profession and Practice, <a href="#Page_331">331</a></li>
+<li>Professional, <a href="#Page_47">47</a></li>
+<li>Professional Aim, A, <a href="#Page_318">318</a></li>
+<li>Professional Candor, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li>
+<li>Professional Companions, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li>
+<li>Professional Recognition, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li>
+<li>Profitable Juggling, <a href="#Page_97">97</a></li>
+<li>Promise to Pay, A, <a href="#Page_139">139</a></li>
+<li>Proof Impression, <a href="#Page_23">23</a></li>
+<li>Proof Positive, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li>
+<li>Proper Answer, A, <a href="#Page_206">206</a></li>
+<li>Proper Distinction, <a href="#Page_174">174</a></li>
+<li>Proper Name, A, <a href="#Page_299">299</a></li>
+<li>Proper Retort, A, <a href="#Page_116">116</a></li>
+<li>Prophecy, A, <a href="#Page_74">74</a></li>
+<li>Prosiness, <a href="#Page_363">363</a></li>
+<li>Proud Heart, A, <a href="#Page_191">191</a></li>
+<li>Proverb Reversed, A, <a href="#Page_186">186</a></li>
+<li>Provident Boy, A, <a href="#Page_62">62</a></li>
+<li>Proving their Metal, <a href="#Page_16">16</a></li>
+<li>Pulling up a Poet, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li>
+<li>Punctuation, <a href="#Page_139">139</a></li>
+<li>Pungent Pinch, A, <a href="#Page_336">336</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_385" id="Page_385">[Pg 385]</a></span></li>
+<li>"Puppies never See till they are Nine Days Old", <a href="#Page_192">192</a></li>
+<li>Pure Folks, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li>
+<li>Purser, The, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li>
+<li>Putting a Stop to Pilgrim's Progress, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Q.E.D.</span>, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li>
+<li>Quaint Epitaph, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li>
+<li>Qualifying for Bail, <a href="#Page_33">33</a></li>
+<li>Quantum Suff, <a href="#Page_212">212</a></li>
+<li>Quakerly Objection, A, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li>
+<li>Queer Expression, A, <a href="#Page_282">282</a></li>
+<li>Queer Partners, <a href="#Page_172">172</a></li>
+<li>Query Answered, A, <a href="#Page_62">62</a></li>
+<li>Query for Mr. Babbage, A, <a href="#Page_209">209</a></li>
+<li>Question and Answer, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li>
+<li>Question Answered, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li>
+<li>Question for the Peerage, A, <a href="#Page_167">167</a></li>
+<li>Question of Descent, A, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li>
+<li>Question of Time, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li>
+<li>Quick Lie, A, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li>
+<li>Quid Pro Quo, <a href="#Page_86">86</a>, <a href="#Page_216">216</a>, <a href="#Page_267">267</a>, <a href="#Page_269">269</a></li>
+<li>Quiet Dose, A, <a href="#Page_226">226</a></li>
+<li>Quiet Theft, <a href="#Page_151">151</a></li>
+<li>Quin and Charles I., <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li>
+<li>Quin and the Parson, <a href="#Page_227">227</a></li>
+<li>Quin's Saying, <a href="#Page_50">50</a></li>
+<li>Quin's Soliloquy on Seeing the embalmed body of Duke Humphrey, at St. Alban's, <a href="#Page_38">38</a></li>
+<li>Quite Aground, <a href="#Page_199">199</a></li>
+<li>Quite at Ease, <a href="#Page_271">271</a></li>
+<li>Quite Natural, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li>
+<li>Quite Perfection, <a href="#Page_24">24</a></li>
+<li>Quite Poetical, <a href="#Page_219">219</a></li>
+<li>Quite Professional, <a href="#Page_290">290</a></li>
+<li>Quite True, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Railroad Engineer, The</span>, <a href="#Page_155">155</a></li>
+<li>Rake's Economy, A, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li>
+<li>Rare Virtue, <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li>
+<li>Rather A-curate, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li>
+<li>Rather Ethereal, <a href="#Page_278">278</a></li>
+<li>Rather Ferocious, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li>
+<li>Rather Hard, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li>
+<li>Rather Saucy, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li>
+<li>Rather the Worst Half, <a href="#Page_257">257</a></li>
+<li>Ready-made Wood Pavement, <a href="#Page_174">174</a></li>
+<li>Ready Reckoner, A, <a href="#Page_70">70</a>, <a href="#Page_163">163</a>, <a href="#Page_259">259</a></li>
+<li>Ready Reply, A, <a href="#Page_73">73</a></li>
+<li>Reason, A, <a href="#Page_311">311</a></li>
+<li>Reason for being too Late, A, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li>
+<li>Reason for Belief, A, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li>
+<li>Reason for Going to Church, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li>
+<li>Reason for not Moving, A, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li>
+<li>Reason for Polygamy, A, <a href="#Page_342">342</a></li>
+<li>Reason for Running Away, <a href="#Page_248">248</a></li>
+<li>Reason for Thick Ankles, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li>
+<li>Reason Why, The, <a href="#Page_94">94</a>, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li>
+<li>Reasonable Demand, A, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li>
+<li>Reasonable Excuse, A, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li>
+<li>Reasonable Preference, A, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li>
+<li>Reasonable Refusal, A, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li>
+<li>Reasonable Request, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li>
+<li>Reasons for Drinking, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li>
+<li>Rebel Lords, The, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li>
+<li>Rebuke, A, <a href="#Page_251">251</a></li>
+<li>Reciprocal Action, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li>
+<li>Recruiting Sergeant and Countryman, <a href="#Page_86">86</a></li>
+<li>Reflection, A, <a href="#Page_96">96</a></li>
+<li>Reformation, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li>
+<li>Relations of Mankind, <a href="#Page_173">173</a></li>
+<li>Remarkable Echo, A, <a href="#Page_309">309</a></li>
+<li>Reproof, <a href="#Page_115">115</a></li>
+<li>Republic of Learning, The, <a href="#Page_107">107</a></li>
+<li>Republic of Letters, The, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li>
+<li>Reputation, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li>
+<li>Resignation, <a href="#Page_144">144</a></li>
+<li>Resting Herself, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li>
+<li>Retort Cutting, The, <a href="#Page_31">31</a></li>
+<li>Reverse, A, <a href="#Page_214">214</a></li>
+<li>Reverse Joke, A, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li>
+<li>Reverse of Circumstances, <a href="#Page_10">10</a></li>
+<li>Richmond Hoax, The, <a href="#Page_262">262</a></li>
+<li>Right Organ, The, <a href="#Page_242">242</a></li>
+<li>Rigid Impartiality, <a href="#Page_359">359</a></li>
+<li>Ringing the Changes, <a href="#Page_91">91</a></li>
+<li>Rising Son, The, <a href="#Page_1">1</a></li>
+<li>Riskful Adventure, A, <a href="#Page_331">331</a></li>
+<li>Rivals, The, <a href="#Page_110">110</a></li>
+<li>Rogers&mdash;Poet and Skipper, <a href="#Page_176">176</a></li>
+<li>Rowing in the Same Boat, <a href="#Page_128">128</a></li>
+<li>Rowland for an Oliver, A, <a href="#Page_163">163</a></li>
+<li>Royal Favor, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li>
+<li>Royal Jest, A, <a href="#Page_366">366</a></li>
+<li>Royal Muff, A, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li>
+<li>Royal Pun, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li>
+<li>Rub at a Rascal, A, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li>
+<li>Rule of Practice, A, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li>
+<li>Ruling Passion after Death, The, <a href="#Page_51">51</a></li>
+<li>Ruling Passion Strong in Death, The, <a href="#Page_200">200</a>, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li>
+<li>Ruling Passion, The, <a href="#Page_129">129</a>, <a href="#Page_218">218</a>, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li>
+<li>Rum and Water, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_386" id="Page_386">[Pg 386]</a></span></li>
+<li>Runaway Knock, A, <a href="#Page_195">195</a></li>
+<li>Running Accounts, <a href="#Page_291">291</a></li>
+<li>Running no Risk, <a href="#Page_339">339</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Saddle on the Right Horse, The</span>, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li>
+<li>Safe Appeal, A, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li>
+<li>Safe Side, The, <a href="#Page_292">292</a></li>
+<li>Sage Advice, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li>
+<li>Sage Simile, A, <a href="#Page_61">61</a></li>
+<li>Sailor's Wedding, <a href="#Page_215">215</a></li>
+<li>St. Peter a Bachelor, <a href="#Page_286">286</a></li>
+<li>Salad, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li>
+<li>Salic Law, The, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li>
+<li>Salisbury Cathedral Spire, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li>
+<li>Sanitary Air, A, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li>
+<li>Satisfaction, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li>
+<li>Satisfactory Explanation, A, <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li>
+<li>Satisfactory Reason, A, <a href="#Page_115">115</a></li>
+<li>Satisfactory Total, <a href="#Page_105">105</a></li>
+<li>Saucy Answer, A, <a href="#Page_363">363</a></li>
+<li>Save us from our Friends, <a href="#Page_157">157</a></li>
+<li>Saving Time, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li>
+<li>Scandalous, <a href="#Page_25">25</a></li>
+<li>Scold's Vocabulary, The, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li>
+<li>Scotch Caution, <a href="#Page_119">119</a></li>
+<li>Scotch Medium, <a href="#Page_130">130</a></li>
+<li>Scotch Penetration, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li>
+<li>Scotch Simplicity, <a href="#Page_42">42</a></li>
+<li>Scotch Understanding, <a href="#Page_66">66</a></li>
+<li>Scotch "Wut", <a href="#Page_168">168</a>, <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li>
+<li>Scotchman and Highwaymen, <a href="#Page_291">291</a></li>
+<li>Scott, Sir Walter, and Constable, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li>
+<li>Scott's, Sir Walter, Parritch-pan, <a href="#Page_283">283</a></li>
+<li>Sealing an Oath, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li>
+<li>Seasonable Joke, A, <a href="#Page_89">89</a>, <a href="#Page_273">273</a></li>
+<li>Season-ings, The, <a href="#Page_207">207</a></li>
+<li>Secret Discovered, A, <a href="#Page_357">357</a></li>
+<li>Seeing a Coronation, <a href="#Page_127">127</a></li>
+<li>Seeing not Believing, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li>
+<li>Self-Applause, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li>
+<li>Self-Conceit, <a href="#Page_235">235</a></li>
+<li>Self-Condemnation, <a href="#Page_265">265</a>, <a href="#Page_325">325</a></li>
+<li>Self-Interest, <a href="#Page_367">367</a></li>
+<li>Self-Knowledge, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li>
+<li>Selwyn, George, <a href="#Page_47">47</a></li>
+<li>Sensibility, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li>
+<li>Sent Home Free, <a href="#Page_192">192</a></li>
+<li>Sentence of Death, <a href="#Page_34">34</a></li>
+<li>Sermons in Stones, <a href="#Page_341">341</a></li>
+<li>Servants, <a href="#Page_267">267</a></li>
+<li>Setting him Up to Knock him Down, <a href="#Page_178">178</a></li>
+<li>Setting Up and Sitting Down, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li>
+<li>Settled Point, A, <a href="#Page_256">256</a></li>
+<li>Settler, A, <a href="#Page_149">149</a></li>
+<li>Severe, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li>
+<li>Severe Rebuke, <a href="#Page_285">285</a></li>
+<li>Shakespeare Illustrated, <a href="#Page_129">129</a></li>
+<li>Shakespearian Grog, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li>
+<li>Shaking Hands, <a href="#Page_53">53</a></li>
+<li>Sharp Boy, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li>
+<li>Sharp Brush, A, <a href="#Page_320">320</a></li>
+<li>Sharp, if not Pleasant, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li>
+<li>Sheepish Compliment, A, <a href="#Page_44">44</a></li>
+<li>Sheridan and Burke, <a href="#Page_336">336</a></li>
+<li>Sheridan Convivial, <a href="#Page_268">268</a></li>
+<li>Short and Sharp, <a href="#Page_134">134</a></li>
+<li>Short Commons, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li>
+<li>Short Creed, A, <a href="#Page_218">218</a></li>
+<li>Short Journey, <a href="#Page_170">170</a>, <a href="#Page_278">278</a></li>
+<li>Short Measure, <a href="#Page_168">168</a></li>
+<li>Short-Sighted, <a href="#Page_254">254</a></li>
+<li>Short Stories, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li>
+<li>Should not Silence Give Consent, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li>
+<li>Shuffling Answer, A, <a href="#Page_327">327</a></li>
+<li>Sign of being Cracked, <a href="#Page_68">68</a></li>
+<li>Significant Difference, A, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li>
+<li>Silent Appreciation, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li>
+<li>Silk Gown, A, <a href="#Page_93">93</a></li>
+<li>Simile, A, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li>
+<li>Simple Division, <a href="#Page_19">19</a></li>
+<li>Simplicity of the Learned Porson, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li>
+<li>Sims, Dr., <a href="#Page_211">211</a></li>
+<li>Sinecure, A, <a href="#Page_182">182</a></li>
+<li>"Sinking" the Well, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li>
+<li>Slack Payment, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></li>
+<li>Sleeping at Church, <a href="#Page_268">268</a></li>
+<li>Sleeping Round, <a href="#Page_106">106</a></li>
+<li>Slight Difference, A, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>, <a href="#Page_238">238</a></li>
+<li>Slight Eruption, A, <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li>
+<li>Small Glass, A, <a href="#Page_92">92</a></li>
+<li>Small Inheritance, A, <a href="#Page_3">3</a></li>
+<li>Small Joke, A, <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li>
+<li>Small Talk, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li>
+<li>Small Wit, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li>
+<li>Smart One-pounder, A, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li>
+<li>Smart Reply, <a href="#Page_220">220</a></li>
+<li>Smoking an M.P., <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li>
+<li>Smoothing It Down, <a href="#Page_321">321</a></li>
+<li>Snoring, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li>
+<li>Snuff-box, The, <a href="#Page_273">273</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_387" id="Page_387">[Pg 387]</a></span></li>
+<li>Snug Lying, <a href="#Page_205">205</a></li>
+<li>Soft, Very!, <a href="#Page_76">76</a></li>
+<li>Soldiers' Wives, <a href="#Page_253">253</a></li>
+<li>Solomon's Temple, <a href="#Page_202">202</a></li>
+<li>Something for Dr. Darwin, <a href="#Page_1">1</a></li>
+<li>Something Lacking, <a href="#Page_204">204</a></li>
+<li>Something Like an Insult, <a href="#Page_80">80</a></li>
+<li>Something Sharp, <a href="#Page_344">344</a></li>
+<li>Something to be Grateful for, <a href="#Page_350">350</a></li>
+<li>Something to be Proud of, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li>
+<li>Something to Pocket, <a href="#Page_301">301</a></li>
+<li>Soporific, A, <a href="#Page_195">195</a>, <a href="#Page_310">310</a></li>
+<li>Sought and Found, <a href="#Page_309">309</a></li>
+<li>Sound and Fury, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li>
+<li>Sound Conclusion, A, <a href="#Page_57">57</a></li>
+<li>Sound Sleeper, <a href="#Page_17">17</a></li>
+<li>Spare Man, A, <a href="#Page_145">145</a></li>
+<li>Spare the Rod, <a href="#Page_239">239</a></li>
+<li>Speaking Canvas, The, <a href="#Page_307">307</a></li>
+<li>Speaking of Sausages, <a href="#Page_245">245</a></li>
+<li>Special Pleading, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li>
+<li>Species and Specie, <a href="#Page_189">189</a></li>
+<li>Specific Gravity of Folly, The, <a href="#Page_155">155</a></li>
+<li>Specimen of the Laconic, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li>
+<li>Specimen of University Etiquette, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li>
+<li>Spirit and the Letter, The, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li>
+<li>Spirit of a Gambler, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li>
+<li>Spiritual and Spirituous, <a href="#Page_5">5</a></li>
+<li>Spranger Barry, <a href="#Page_146">146</a></li>
+<li>Sprig of Shillalah, A, <a href="#Page_27">27</a></li>
+<li>Staffordshire Collieries, The, <a href="#Page_202">202</a></li>
+<li>Steam-boat Racing, <a href="#Page_150">150</a></li>
+<li>Sterne, <a href="#Page_131">131</a></li>
+<li>Stone Blind, <a href="#Page_71">71</a></li>
+<li>Stop Watch, A, <a href="#Page_184">184</a></li>
+<li>Stopper, A, <a href="#Page_70">70</a></li>
+<li>Stout Swimmer, A, <a href="#Page_334">334</a></li>
+<li>Strange Jetsum, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li>
+<li>Strange Objection, A, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li>
+<li>Strange Vespers, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li>
+<li>Stray Shot, A, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li>
+<li>Striking Notice, A, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li>
+<li>Striking Point, A, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li>
+<li>Striking Reproof, <a href="#Page_38">38</a></li>
+<li>Subtraction and Addition, <a href="#Page_14">14</a></li>
+<li>Sudden Change, A, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li>
+<li>Sudden Freedom, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li>
+<li>Suggestion, <a href="#Page_49">49</a></li>
+<li>Suggestive Pair of Grays, A, <a href="#Page_197">197</a></li>
+<li>Suggestive Present, A, <a href="#Page_140">140</a></li>
+<li>Suggestive Question, A, <a href="#Page_148">148</a></li>
+<li>Suggestive Repudiation, <a href="#Page_323">323</a></li>
+<li>Suited to his Subject, <a href="#Page_35">35</a></li>
+<li>Summary Decision, <a href="#Page_194">194</a></li>
+<li>Sun in his Eye, The, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li>
+<li>Superfluous Scraper, A, <a href="#Page_356">356</a></li>
+<li>Superiority of Machinery, The, <a href="#Page_306">306</a></li>
+<li>Sure Take, A, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li>
+<li>Swearing the Peace, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li>
+<li>Sweeps, <a href="#Page_234">234</a></li>
+<li>Swift, Dean, and King William, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li>
+<li>Sword and the Scabbard, The, <a href="#Page_108">108</a></li>
+<li>Sydney Smith, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li>
+<li>Sydney Smith Soporific, <a href="#Page_223">223</a></li>
+<li>Syllabic Difference, A, <a href="#Page_297">297</a></li>
+<li>Symbol, A, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Take Warning</span>!, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li>
+<li>Taking a Hint, <a href="#Page_217">217</a></li>
+<li>Taking his Measure, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li>
+<li>Tall and Short, <a href="#Page_40">40</a></li>
+<li>Taste of Marriage, A, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li>
+<li>Tavern Dinner, A, <a href="#Page_264">264</a></li>
+<li>Tell it not in England, <a href="#Page_329">329</a></li>
+<li>Telling One's Age, <a href="#Page_225">225</a></li>
+<li>Temperance Cruets, <a href="#Page_284">284</a></li>
+<li>Tender Suggestion, A, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li>
+<li>Terrible Possibility, A, <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li>
+<li>"The Mixture as Before", <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li>
+<li>Theatrical Mistakes, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li>
+<li>Theatrical Purgations, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li>
+<li>Theatrical Wit, <a href="#Page_124">124</a></li>
+<li>Thelwall, Mr., <a href="#Page_209">209</a></li>
+<li>"Thereby Hangs," &amp;c., <a href="#Page_167">167</a></li>
+<li>Things by their Right Names, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li>
+<li>Three Causes, <a href="#Page_7">7</a></li>
+<li>Three Degrees of Comparison, <a href="#Page_205">205</a></li>
+<li>Three Ends to a Rope, <a href="#Page_231">231</a></li>
+<li>Three Touchstones, <a href="#Page_15">15</a></li>
+<li>"Throw Physic to the Dogs!", <a href="#Page_233">233</a></li>
+<li>Thurlow and Pitt, <a href="#Page_121">121</a></li>
+<li>Ticklish Opening, A, <a href="#Page_324">324</a></li>
+<li>Tierney's, Mr., Humor, <a href="#Page_277">277</a></li>
+<li>Tillotson, <a href="#Page_280">280</a></li>
+<li>Time Out of Joint, The, <a href="#Page_187">187</a></li>
+<li>Time Works Wonders, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></li>
+<li>Timely Aid, <a href="#Page_243">243</a></li>
+<li>Timely Flattery, <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li>
+<li>Timely Reproof, A, <a href="#Page_115">115</a></li>
+<li>Timidity of Beauty, The, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li>
+<li>To the Coming Man, <a href="#Page_313">313</a></li>
+<li>Too Civil, <a href="#Page_55">55</a></li>
+<li>Too Civil by Half, <a href="#Page_246">246</a></li>
+<li>Too Clever, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li>
+<li>Too Fast, <a href="#Page_220">220</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_388" id="Page_388">[Pg 388]</a></span></li>
+<li>Too Good, <a href="#Page_233">233</a></li>
+<li>Too Grateful, <a href="#Page_224">224</a></li>
+<li>Too Liberal, <a href="#Page_260">260</a></li>
+<li>Too Many Cooks, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li>
+<li>Too Much and Too Little, <a href="#Page_244">244</a></li>
+<li>Too Much at Once, <a href="#Page_364">364</a></li>
+<li>Too Much of a Bad Thing, <a href="#Page_165">165</a></li>
+<li>Too Cold to Change, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li>
+<li>Top and Bottom, <a href="#Page_140">140</a></li>
+<li>Tory Liberality, <a href="#Page_56">56</a></li>
+<li>Touching, <a href="#Page_109">109</a></li>
+<li>Trade against Land, <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li>
+<li>Tragedy MS., <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li>
+<li>Transformation Scene, A, <a href="#Page_201">201</a></li>
+<li>Transporting Subject, A, <a href="#Page_221">221</a></li>
+<li>Transposing a Compliment, <a href="#Page_41">41</a></li>
+<li>Travellers See Strange Things, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li>
+<li>Trophies, <a href="#Page_210">210</a></li>
+<li>True and False, <a href="#Page_251">251</a></li>
+<li>True Courtier, A, <a href="#Page_43">43</a></li>
+<li>True Criticism, <a href="#Page_267">267</a></li>
+<li>True Dignity, <a href="#Page_261">261</a></li>
+<li>True Evidence, <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li>
+<li>True Joke, A, <a href="#Page_60">60</a></li>
+<li>True of Both, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li>
+<li>True Philosophy, <a href="#Page_288">288</a></li>
+<li>True Politeness, <a href="#Page_164">164</a></li>
+<li>True to the Letter, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li>
+<li>True Wit, <a href="#Page_123">123</a></li>
+<li>Trump Card, A, <a href="#Page_13">13</a></li>
+<li>Truth and Fiction, <a href="#Page_240">240</a></li>
+<li>Truth and Rhyme, <a href="#Page_137">137</a></li>
+<li>Truth at Last, <a href="#Page_133">133</a></li>
+<li>Truth by Accident, The, <a href="#Page_216">216</a></li>
+<li>Truth for the Ladies, A, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li>
+<li>Truth not Always to be Spoken, <a href="#Page_88">88</a></li>
+<li>Truth not to be Spoken at All Times, <a href="#Page_78">78</a></li>
+<li>Truth <i>v.</i> Politeness, <a href="#Page_255">255</a></li>
+<li>Trying to the Temper, <a href="#Page_258">258</a></li>
+<li>Twice Ruined, <a href="#Page_79">79</a></li>
+<li>Two Carriages, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li>
+<li>Two Cures for Ague, <a href="#Page_353">353</a></li>
+<li>Two Make a Pair, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li>
+<li>Two of a Trade, <a href="#Page_77">77</a></li>
+<li>Two Sides to a Speech, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li>
+<li>Two Smiths, The, <a href="#Page_28">28</a></li>
+<li>Twofold Illustration, <a href="#Page_42">42</a></li>
+<li>Typographical Transfer, A, <a href="#Page_332">332</a></li>
+<li>Typographical Wit, <a href="#Page_260">260</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Ugly Dog, An</span>, <a href="#Page_48">48</a></li>
+<li>Ugly Trades, <a href="#Page_304">304</a></li>
+<li>Unanswerable Argument, An, <a href="#Page_299">299</a></li>
+<li>Uncivil Warning, <a href="#Page_351">351</a></li>
+<li>Unconscious Insult, An, <a href="#Page_317">317</a></li>
+<li>Unconscious Postscript, An, <a href="#Page_206">206</a></li>
+<li>Unequal Arrangement, An, <a href="#Page_355">355</a></li>
+<li>Unexpected Cannonade, An, <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li>
+<li>Unfortunate Lover, An, <a href="#Page_181">181</a></li>
+<li>Union is Strength, <a href="#Page_51">51</a></li>
+<li>Union of Opposites, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li>
+<li>Unkind, <a href="#Page_117">117</a></li>
+<li>Unknown Tongue, <a href="#Page_38">38</a></li>
+<li>Unlikely Result, An, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li>
+<li>Unpoetical Reply, <a href="#Page_120">120</a></li>
+<li>Unreasonable, <a href="#Page_94">94</a></li>
+<li>Unre-hearsed Effect, An, <a href="#Page_65">65</a></li>
+<li>Unremitting Kindness, <a href="#Page_100">100</a></li>
+<li>Untaxed Luxury, An, <a href="#Page_319">319</a></li>
+<li>Unwelcome Agreement, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></li>
+<li>Up and Down, <a href="#Page_301">301</a></li>
+<li>Up in the World, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li>
+<li>Upright Man, An, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li>
+<li>Use is Second Nature, <a href="#Page_196">196</a></li>
+<li>Useful Ally, A, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li>
+<li>Utilitarian Inquiry, A, <a href="#Page_328">328</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Vails To Servants</span>, <a href="#Page_85">85</a></li>
+<li>Vain Search, A, <a href="#Page_96">96</a></li>
+<li>Vain Threat, A, <a href="#Page_343">343</a></li>
+<li>Valuable Beaver, A, <a href="#Page_301">301</a></li>
+<li>Valuable Discovery, <a href="#Page_90">90</a></li>
+<li>Value of Applause, <a href="#Page_171">171</a></li>
+<li>Value of Nothing, <a href="#Page_241">241</a></li>
+<li>Vast Domain, <a href="#Page_21">21</a></li>
+<li>Vera Cannie, <a href="#Page_243">243</a></li>
+<li>Verse and Worse, <a href="#Page_118">118</a></li>
+<li>Verses Written on a Window in the Highlands of Scotland, <a href="#Page_15">15</a></li>
+<li>Very Appropriate, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li>
+<li>Very Clear, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></li>
+<li>Very Easy, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li>
+<li>Very Evident, <a href="#Page_213">213</a></li>
+<li>Very Like Each Other, <a href="#Page_270">270</a></li>
+<li>Very Likely, <a href="#Page_249">249</a>, <a href="#Page_312">312</a></li>
+<li>Very Pointed, <a href="#Page_22">22</a></li>
+<li>Very Pretty, <a href="#Page_102">102</a></li>
+<li>Very Serious, <a href="#Page_130">130</a></li>
+<li>Very Shocking, if True, <a href="#Page_254">254</a></li>
+<li>Very True, <a href="#Page_173">173</a>, <a href="#Page_286">286</a></li>
+<li>Vice Vers&acirc;, <a href="#Page_190">190</a></li>
+<li>Visible Darkness, <a href="#Page_10">10</a></li>
+<li>Visible Proof, <a href="#Page_82">82</a></li>
+<li>Visibly Losing, <a href="#Page_293">293</a></li>
+<li>Voluminous Speaker, A, <a href="#Page_148">148</a><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_389" id="Page_389">[Pg 389]</a></span></li>
+<li>Vox et Pr&aelig;terea Nihil, <a href="#Page_147">147</a></li>
+<li>Vulgar Arguments, <a href="#Page_122">122</a></li>
+<li>Vulgarity, <a href="#Page_362">362</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Walking Stick, A</span>, <a href="#Page_326">326</a></li>
+<li>Walpoliana, <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>, <a href="#Page_119">119</a></li>
+<li>Warm Friendships, <a href="#Page_98">98</a></li>
+<li>Warm Man, A, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li>
+<li>Warning to Ladies, <a href="#Page_54">54</a></li>
+<li>Waste of Time, <a href="#Page_42">42</a></li>
+<li>Waste Powder, <a href="#Page_18">18</a></li>
+<li>Way of the World, <a href="#Page_75">75</a></li>
+<li>Way of Using Books, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></li>
+<li>Weak Woman, A, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li>
+<li>Wearing Away, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li>
+<li>Well-bred Horse, <a href="#Page_9">9</a></li>
+<li>Well Matched, <a href="#Page_6">6</a></li>
+<li>Well Said, <a href="#Page_268">268</a></li>
+<li>Well Turned, <a href="#Page_346">346</a></li>
+<li>Wellington, Duke of, and the Aurist, <a href="#Page_87">87</a></li>
+<li>Wellington Surprised, <a href="#Page_250">250</a></li>
+<li>Welsh Wig-ging, A, <a href="#Page_26">26</a></li>
+<li>Wet and Dry, <a href="#Page_141">141</a></li>
+<li>What Everybody Does, <a href="#Page_294">294</a></li>
+<li>What is an Archdeacon?, <a href="#Page_295">295</a></li>
+<li>What's a Hat without a Head?, <a href="#Page_285">285</a></li>
+<li>What's Going On?, <a href="#Page_159">159</a></li>
+<li>What's in a Name?, <a href="#Page_279">279</a></li>
+<li>What's in a Syllable?, <a href="#Page_151">151</a></li>
+<li>What's my Thought Like?, <a href="#Page_305">305</a></li>
+<li>Wheel of Fortune, The, <a href="#Page_195">195</a></li>
+<li>Where it came from, <a href="#Page_316">316</a></li>
+<li>Where is the Audience?, <a href="#Page_183">183</a></li>
+<li>Whig and Tory, <a href="#Page_67">67</a></li>
+<li>Whist, <a href="#Page_244">244</a></li>
+<li>Whist-Playing, <a href="#Page_229">229</a></li>
+<li>Whitbread's Entire, <a href="#Page_359">359</a></li>
+<li>White Hands, <a href="#Page_287">287</a></li>
+<li>White Teeth, <a href="#Page_275">275</a></li>
+<li>Who's the Fool?, <a href="#Page_132">132</a></li>
+<li>Who's to Blame?, <a href="#Page_136">136</a></li>
+<li>Whose?, <a href="#Page_192">192</a></li>
+<li>Why are Women Beardless?, <a href="#Page_208">208</a></li>
+<li>Why Master of the House?, <a href="#Page_330">330</a></li>
+<li>Wide-awake Minister, A, <a href="#Page_347">347</a></li>
+<li>Wide Difference, A, <a href="#Page_345">345</a></li>
+<li>"Wide, Wide Sea," The, <a href="#Page_315">315</a></li>
+<li>Wife at Forty, A, <a href="#Page_45">45</a></li>
+<li>Wignell, the Actor, <a href="#Page_72">72</a></li>
+<li>Wilberforce, Miss, <a href="#Page_298">298</a></li>
+<li>Wilkes and Liberty, <a href="#Page_161">161</a></li>
+<li>Wilkes and a Liberty, <a href="#Page_143">143</a></li>
+<li>Wilkes's Ready Reply, <a href="#Page_224">224</a></li>
+<li>Wilkes's Tergiversation, <a href="#Page_114">114</a></li>
+<li>Wilkie's Simplicity, <a href="#Page_91">91</a></li>
+<li>Will and Away, A, <a href="#Page_259">259</a></li>
+<li>Will and the Way, <a href="#Page_193">193</a></li>
+<li>Will, The, <a href="#Page_104">104</a></li>
+<li>Windy Minister, A, <a href="#Page_259">259</a></li>
+<li>Winner at Cards, A, <a href="#Page_303">303</a></li>
+<li>Winning a Loss, <a href="#Page_160">160</a></li>
+<li>Wise Decision, A, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li>
+<li>Wise Fool, A, <a href="#Page_198">198</a></li>
+<li>Wise Precaution, <a href="#Page_13">13</a></li>
+<li>Wise Son who knew his own Father, A, <a href="#Page_6">6</a></li>
+<li>Wit and Quackery, <a href="#Page_95">95</a></li>
+<li>Wit Defined, <a href="#Page_95">95</a></li>
+<li>Wits Agreeing, <a href="#Page_354">354</a></li>
+<li>Witty at his own Expense, <a href="#Page_365">365</a></li>
+<li>Witty Coward, <a href="#Page_236">236</a></li>
+<li>Witty Proposition, A, <a href="#Page_348">348</a></li>
+<li>Witty Thanksgiving, <a href="#Page_338">338</a></li>
+<li>Wolfe, General, <a href="#Page_167">167</a></li>
+<li>Woman's Promises, A, <a href="#Page_62">62</a></li>
+<li>Women, <a href="#Page_229">229</a></li>
+<li>Wonderful Cure, A, <a href="#Page_179">179</a></li>
+<li>Wonderful Sight, A, <a href="#Page_258">258</a></li>
+<li>Wonderful Unanimity, <a href="#Page_331">331</a></li>
+<li>Wonderful Woman, A, <a href="#Page_5">5</a></li>
+<li>Wooden Joke, A, <a href="#Page_314">314</a></li>
+<li>Woodman, A, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li>
+<li>Woolsack, The, <a href="#Page_232">232</a></li>
+<li>Word in Season, A, <a href="#Page_340">340</a></li>
+<li>Word to the Wise, A, <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li>
+<li>Words that Burn, <a href="#Page_11">11</a></li>
+<li>Worst of all Crimes, The, <a href="#Page_63">63</a></li>
+<li>Worst of Two Evils, The, <a href="#Page_269">269</a></li>
+<li>Worth the Money, <a href="#Page_35">35</a></li>
+<li>Worthy of Credit, <a href="#Page_129">129</a></li>
+<li>"Write me Down an Ass", <a href="#Page_135">135</a></li>
+<li>Writing for the Stage, <a href="#Page_234">234</a></li>
+<li>Writing Treason, <a href="#Page_230">230</a></li>
+<li>Written Character, A, <a href="#Page_6">6</a></li>
+<li>Wrong Leg, The, <a href="#Page_48">48</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Yankee Yarn</span>, A, <a href="#Page_157">157</a></li>
+<li>Yorke, Mr. Charles, <a href="#Page_361">361</a></li>
+<li>Yorkshire Bull, A, <a href="#Page_353">353</a></li>
+<li>"You'll Get There Before I Can Tell You", <a href="#Page_239">239</a></li>
+<li>Young, Dr., <a href="#Page_156">156</a></li>
+<li>Young Idea, The, <a href="#Page_247">247</a></li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+<li><span class="smcap">Zodiac Club, The</span>, <a href="#Page_37">37</a></li>
+</ul>
+
+<div class="trnote">
+<p>Transcriber's notes</p>
+
+<ul>
+<li>Corrections to the Text.
+<ul>
+<li>Page 49, diagreeable corrected to disagreeable.</li>
+<li>Page 72, betyraing corrected to betraying.</li>
+<li>Page 171, LITLLE corrected to LITTLE.</li>
+<li>Page 178, ill-conwenience corrected to ill-convenience.</li>
+<li>Page 197, your're corrected to you're.</li>
+<li>Page 275, distingushed corrected to distinguished.</li>
+<li>Page 297, aud corrected to and.</li>
+<li>Page 309, secretely corrected to secretly.</li>
+<li>Page 341, Eor corrected to For.</li>
+<li>Page 364, duplicated a removed.</li>
+<li>Punctuation printing errors were corrected throughout the text.</li></ul></li>
+
+
+<li>Corrections to the Index.
+<ul>
+<li>Acres and Wiseacres, 335 corrected to 355.</li>
+<li>Affectation, 90 corrected to 98.</li>
+<li>Best Wine, The, 193 corrected to 300.</li>
+<li>Brief Correspondence, 178 corrected to 179.</li>
+<li>Cause and Effect, 318 corrected to 344.</li>
+<li>Hinc Illæ Lachrymæ, 70 corrected to Ille, as per entry on page 70.</li>
+<li>Sage Advice, 128 corrected to 28.</li>
+<li>Reverse of Circumstances, 9 corrected to 10.</li>
+<li>Reason Why, The, 213 corrected to 231.</li>
+<li>New Scholar, A, 82 corrected to 98.</li>
+<li>Naval Oratory, 108 corrected to 117.</li>
+<li>Money's Work, 188 corrected to Money's Worth, as per entry on page 188.</li>
+<li>Omnious, Very!, 213 corrected to Ominous, as per entry on page 213.</li>
+<li>Explanation, An, 180, was out of order alphabetically, and was moved one line down.</li></ul></li></ul>
+
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jest Book, by Mark Lemon
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jest Book, by Mark Lemon
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Jest Book
+       The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings
+
+Author: Mark Lemon
+
+Release Date: January 13, 2007 [EBook #20352]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE JEST BOOK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Christine D. and
+the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE JEST BOOK
+
+[Illustration]
+
+UNIVERSITY PRESS: WELCH, BIGELOW, & CO.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE JEST BOOK
+
+THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS
+
+SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY
+
+MARK LEMON
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CAMBRIDGE
+
+SEVER AND FRANCIS
+
+1865
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PREFACE.
+
+
+The Compiler of this new JEST BOOK is desirous to make known that it is
+composed mainly of old jokes,--some older than Joe Miller himself,--with
+a liberal sprinkling of new jests gathered from books and hearsay. In
+the course of his researches he has been surprised to find how many
+Jests, Impromptus, and Repartees have passed current, century after
+century, until their original utterer is lost in the "mist of ages"; a
+Good Joke being transferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus
+resembling certain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but
+are never consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they have
+satisfied themselves as to the _Origin of Species_ and the _Antiquity of
+Man_, could not better employ their speculative minds than in
+determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable "joes" which have
+been in circulation beyond the remembrance of that mythical personage,
+"the Oldest Inhabitant."
+
+A true Briton loves a good joke, and regards it like "a thing of
+beauty," "a joy forever," therefore we may opine that Yorick's "flashes
+of merriment, which were wont to set the table in a roar," when Hamlet
+was king in Denmark, were transported hither by our Danish invaders, and
+descended to Wamba, Will Somers, Killigrew, and other accredited
+jesters, until Mr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe
+and tankard, when seated with his delighted auditory at the _Black Jack_
+in Clare Market.
+
+Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe's fame, decreeing the
+collection of his jests to Captain Motley, who wrote short-lived plays
+in the time of the First and Second Georges; but the same false Medium
+has affected to discover that Dick Whittington did not come to London
+City at the tail of a road wagon, neither was he be-ladled by a cross
+cook, and driven forth to Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return
+and make venture of his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice
+Lord Mayor of London, albeit it is written in City chronicles, that
+Whittington's statue and the effigy of his gold-compelling Grimalkin
+long stood over the door of New Gate prison-house. We would not have
+destroyed the faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to
+succeed it in that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as the
+Ptolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts in
+Europe. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest Joe Miller,
+but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of Bartlemy Fair, and
+visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against the Hospital gate of St.
+Bartholomew, where Joe, probably, is to dance "the English Maggot
+dance," and after the appearance of "two Harlequins, conclude with a
+Grand Dance and Chorus, accompanied with Kettledrums and Trumpets." And
+when the Fair is over, and we are no longer invited to "walk up," let us
+march in the train of the great Mime, until he takes his ease in his
+inn,--the _Black Jack_ aforesaid,--and laugh at his jibes and flashes of
+merriment, before the Mad Wag shall be silenced by the great killjoy,
+Death, and the jester's boon companions shall lay him in the graveyard
+in Portugal Fields, placing over him a friendly record of his social
+virtues.
+
+Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall not rob us of that
+conviction!
+
+The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and
+diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false,--the pure gold
+from Brummagem brass. He has carefully perused the Eight learned
+chapters on "Thoughts on Jesting," by Frederick Meier, Professor of
+Philosophy at Halle, and Member of the Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein
+it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a
+great Wit and Acumen, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." ...
+"Hypocrites, with the appearance but without the reality of virtue,
+condemn from the teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they
+sincerely approve in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous Persons
+also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or
+erroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives
+me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long
+as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy,
+and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long
+they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise
+their Judgment."
+
+Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that "Wit lies in an
+assemblage of ideas, and putting them together with quickness and
+vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance and congruity whereby to
+make up pleasant pictures and agreeable visions of fancy."
+
+Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limits his definition by
+observing that "an assemblage of Ideas productive merely of pleasure
+does not constitute Wit, but of those only which to delight add
+surprise."
+
+Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit "to consist in a quick
+conception of Thought and an easy Delivery"; nor the many other
+definitions by Inferior hands, "too numerous to mention."
+
+The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions, was a
+conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty,
+"which," said the Philosopher, "was the question of a Blind man"; and
+despairing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Compiler of
+the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd
+sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the
+Irreverent, so that of the Seventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not
+one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will
+miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare
+it to be miserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability to
+show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing.
+
+    "_The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird is an owl;
+    The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravest man is a fool_!"
+
+says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his
+Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, in the Merry Company he
+has brought together.
+
+M.L.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+THE JEST BOOK.
+
+
+        I.--THE RISING SON.
+
+POPE dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many
+compliments. "I wonder, Pope," said the prince, "that you, who are so
+severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me."--"It is," said the
+wily bard, "because I like the lion before his claws are grown."
+
+
+        II.--SOMETHING FOR DR. DARWIN.
+
+SIR WATKIN WILLIAMS WYNNE talking to a friend about the antiquity of his
+family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere
+mushroom of yesterday. "How so, pray?" said the baronet. "Why,"
+continued the other, "when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular
+family was shown to me: it filled five large skins of parchment, and
+near the middle of it was a note in the margin: '_About this time the
+world was created_.'"
+
+
+        III.--A BAD EXAMPLE.
+
+A CERTAIN noble lord being in his early years much addicted to
+dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman,
+whose food was herbs and his drink water. "What! madam," said he, "would
+you have me to imitate a man who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a
+fish_?"
+
+
+        IV.--A CONFIRMED INVALID.
+
+A POOR woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length
+recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen you here before?" said
+his lordship. "Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as
+I can; they tell me it is _good for the rheumatis_."
+
+
+        V.--COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.
+
+LORD CHANCELLOR HARDWICK'S bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to
+procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the
+dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he
+could not suppress, "I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have
+got a sow exactly of _your ladyship's size_."
+
+
+        VI.--AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.
+
+THE following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had
+been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn:--
+
+    "Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,
+    And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,
+    The diamond quit--with me the pencil take,
+    So shall _your shame_ but short duration make;
+    For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet,
+    With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet,
+    Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell
+    Who 't was that _wrote so ill!--and loved so well_!"
+
+
+        VII.--NO HARM DONE.
+
+A MAN of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of
+his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had
+called the other ugly? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then,
+I shall soon make up the quarrel."
+
+
+        VIII.--BEARDING A BARBER.
+
+A HIGHLANDER, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to
+get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having
+shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No,
+no," says the shaver; "I'll give you a penny, and if that does not
+satisfy you, take your broom again." The Highlander took it, and asked
+what he had to pay. "A penny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says
+Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye, _pit on_ my beard again."
+
+
+        IX.--CHANGING HIS COAT.
+
+A WEALTHY merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential
+friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded,
+by saying, "Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as
+it is now too late to part them. But then his condition; how can I
+introduce him?"--"Nonsense," replied his companion; "introduce him as a
+_Liveryman_ of the _city of London_. _What_ is more honorable?"
+
+
+        X.--GOOD ADVICE.
+
+LADY ---- spoke to the butler to be saving of an excellent cask of small
+beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. "I know no method so
+effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of _good_
+ale by it."
+
+
+        XI.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.
+
+A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
+expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, "they are
+brothers--_brothers-in-law_."
+
+
+        XII.--A SMALL INHERITANCE.
+
+IT was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his
+speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of
+Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: "It is the little
+inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will
+leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of
+those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. "Just look
+at Mitford," said a by-stander to Horne Tooke; "what on earth is he
+crying for?" Tooke replied, "He is crying to think what a _small_
+inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get."
+
+
+        XIII.--A DIFFERENCE.
+
+JERROLD one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who
+explained that he was not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "I'm
+aware of that; you're the Scotchman with the _i-t-c-h_ in your name,"
+said Jerrold.
+
+
+        XIV.--THE LIGHT SUBJECT.
+
+THE government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those
+who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of
+_one fourth_. "This at least," said a sufferer, "may be called, giving
+them some _quarter_."
+
+
+        XV.--COMPLIMENTARY.
+
+LORD NORTH, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his
+physician after it, "Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some
+old acquaintances."--"Who are they, my lord?"--"_My ribs_," replied his
+lordship, "which I have not felt for many years until now."
+
+
+        XVI.--A FAIR SUBSTITUTE.
+
+WHEN Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that
+probably the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the
+honor. "Well, but," said Lord S., "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like
+it."--"Then let the king _knight her_," answered the rough seaman.
+
+
+        XVII.--A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN.
+
+DANIEL PURCELL, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore.
+"Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O,
+sir," said he, "the _king_ is no _subject_."
+
+
+        XVIII.--A CONVERT.
+
+A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon,
+exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have
+almost a mind to turn _beggar_."
+
+
+        XIX.--INCREDIBLE.
+
+SHERIDAN made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots; these
+attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now guess," said he, "how
+I came by these boots?" Many _probable_ guesses then took place. "No!"
+said Sheridan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will,--I bought them,
+and paid for them!"
+
+
+        XX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+IN a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's
+allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of
+many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you
+need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year."--"Yes,
+father, I must confess you _allowed_ it; but then it was never paid."
+
+
+        XXI.--SPIRITUAL AND SPIRITUOUS.
+
+DR. PITCAIRN had one Sunday stumbled into a Presbyterian church,
+probably to beguile a few idle moments (for few will accuse that
+gentleman of having been a warm admirer of _Calvinism_), and seeing the
+parson apparently overwhelmed by the importance of his subject: "What
+makes the man _greet_?" said Pitcairn to a fellow that stood near him.
+"By my faith, sir," answered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too,
+if you were in his place, _and had as little to say_."--"Come along with
+me, friend, and let's have a glass together; you are too good a fellow
+to be here," said Pitcairn, delighted with the man's repartee.
+
+
+        XXII.--A WONDERFUL WOMAN.
+
+WHEN a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her
+eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty
+to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the
+nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in
+the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a
+nervous complaint, was asked in her turn, "What brought her to
+Buxton?"--"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess;
+"for, thank God, I was born before _nerves came into fashion_."
+
+
+        XXIII.--A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.
+
+SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman
+of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart.
+Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed,
+"Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a
+shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking
+archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must _borrow_ it." Sheridan
+was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.
+
+
+        XXIV.--A WRITTEN CHARACTER.
+
+GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a
+large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his
+majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,"
+was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing;
+"it will do very well for the _next horse you sell_."
+
+
+        XXV.--WELL MATCHED.
+
+DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day
+accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal
+stature, with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor,
+politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"--"O, sir," said the
+baronet, "my expression alluded to the _size of your intellect_."--"And
+my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the _size of yours_."
+
+
+        XXVI.--A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.
+
+A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at
+a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the
+ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To
+which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, "Madam,
+the best rump I cannot _sell_ lower than tenpence halfpenny _a pound_."
+
+
+        XXVII.--THREE CAUSES.
+
+THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, _because
+he was hot_. "Bring me another," says his companion, "_because I am
+cold_." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out,
+"Here, boy, bring me a glass, _because I like it_."
+
+
+        XXVIII.--THE CONNOISSEUR.
+
+A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown
+one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the
+remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur, "I
+am _stone blind_ already."
+
+
+        XXIX.--A SYMBOL.
+
+A SATIRIC poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk
+ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of some
+of the saints, who are always painted with _the symbols_ of their
+martyrdom."
+
+
+        XXX.--THE ONE THING WANTING.
+
+IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her
+sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a _match_; I think you
+want the _brimstone_";--she replied, "No, not the _brimstone_, only the
+_spark_."
+
+
+        XXXI.--A HORSE LAUGH.
+
+A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that
+"if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would _bear malice_ like a
+_Christian_."
+
+
+        XXXII.--ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.
+
+DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to
+reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's
+misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you
+would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as _I have
+covered so many blunders of yours_!"
+
+
+        XXXIII.--A NOVEL COMPLAINT.
+
+A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician
+felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"--"Yes," said the patient.
+"Do you sleep well?"--"I do."--"Then," said the physician, "I shall give
+you something to take away _all that_!"
+
+
+        XXXIV.--A CONJUGAL CAUTION.
+
+SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself
+from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun
+him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would
+certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message
+being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband,
+who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that
+had the impudence!"--"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the
+good man; "you don't know what a man may do _in a passion_."
+
+
+        XXXV.--A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.
+
+IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article:
+"Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a _head capitally executed_."
+
+
+        XXXVI.--MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.
+
+A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a
+dispute."--"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was
+_mad_; I said the world was _mad_, and they _outwitted me_."
+
+
+        XXXVII.--PLEASANT INVITATION.
+
+SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a
+gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a
+picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day
+came to see it, and says it is _a copy_. If any one says so again, I'll
+_break his head_. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to
+come, and give me _your real opinion of it_?"
+
+
+        XXXVIII.--WELL-BRED HORSE.
+
+"HOW does your new-purchased horse _answer_?" said the late Duke of
+Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I _really_ don't know," replied George,
+"for I never _asked him a question_."
+
+
+        XXXIX.--"ONE FOR HIS NOB."
+
+A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he
+was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every
+observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself
+to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this
+wig."--"Nothing but _the head_," was the answer.
+
+
+        XL.--SOUND AND FURY.
+
+A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on
+the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the
+philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music?
+"No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all _noises_, I think music is
+the least disagreeable."
+
+
+        XLI.--COME OF AGE.
+
+A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing
+to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied
+the other; "but I can inform you that _an ass_ is older at twenty than a
+man at sixty!"
+
+
+        XLII.--A STRIKING NOTICE.
+
+THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was
+pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care,
+friend, thou mayest run _thy face_ against _my fist_."
+
+
+        XLIII.--UP IN THE WORLD.
+
+A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father
+died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous,
+another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as
+my father was sheriff for the county when his was _hanged_ for
+horse-stealing."
+
+
+        XLIV.--REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
+
+WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his
+lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old
+beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with
+fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage,
+the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to
+your honor's honor: for sure I did not _dream_ last night that her
+ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of
+tobacco."--"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of
+contrary."--"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean,
+that your honor will give me _the tea_, and her ladyship _the tobacco_."
+
+
+        XLV.--A DOGGED ANSWER.
+
+BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think
+that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet.
+"I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a _dog_ in the town
+but what thinks so."
+
+
+        XLVI.--VISIBLE DARKNESS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to
+render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a
+couple of _decent_ candles to _see_ how these others _burn_."
+
+
+        XLVII.--HIC-CUPPING.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner
+introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift
+addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, haec,
+hoc, with you."--"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to
+comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ glass."
+
+
+        XLVIII.--WORDS THAT BURN.
+
+DR. ROBERTSON observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the
+righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes,"
+exclaimed Burke, "_oil of vitriol_!"
+
+
+        XLIX.--PASSING THE BOTTLE.
+
+FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord,
+he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle
+at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand,
+he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if _the
+bottle was passed so quickly_, not one of them would be able to stand
+out the evening."
+
+
+        L.--"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.
+
+MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis
+whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight,
+"Will you, Sir Philip,--will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a
+single question?"--"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic
+answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked
+him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether
+he is _Junius_; but, if he be, he is certainly _Junius Brutus_."
+
+
+        LI.--A WEAK WOMAN.
+
+A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe
+for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. "Let her wash them," said the
+doctor, "every morning with a small glass of brandy." A few weeks after,
+the doctor chanced to meet the husband. "Well, my friend, has your wife
+followed my advice?"--"She has done everything in her power to do it,
+doctor"; said the spouse, "but she never could get the glass _higher
+than her mouth_."
+
+
+        LII.--TOO MANY COOKS.
+
+ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, "If you keep one servant, your
+work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three,
+you may _do it yourself_."
+
+
+        LIII.--LOOK IN HIS FACE.
+
+ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
+middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
+with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
+that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
+shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
+and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
+afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
+you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
+lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
+when he is afraid? _I need not ask how he looks_."
+
+
+        LIV.--NOTHING BUT THE "BILL."
+
+JOHN HORNE TOOKE'S opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. "Law,"
+he said, "ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be
+easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor." A person observed
+to him, how excellent are the English laws, because they are impartial,
+and our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction.
+"And so," said Tooke, "is the _London Tavern_, to such as can afford to
+_pay for their entertainment_."
+
+
+        LV.--AN EXTINGUISHER.
+
+WHILE Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight,
+with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came
+running to him, and cried out, "Sir, our ship is on fire very near the
+powder magazine."--"Then pray, friend," said the commodore, not in the
+least degree discomposed, "_run back and assist in putting it out_."
+
+
+        LVI.--A BAD SHOT.
+
+A COCKNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to
+fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The
+shot passed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. "Did you fire at
+me, sir?" he hastily asked. "O! no, sir," said the shrewd sportsman, "I
+_never hit_ what I fire at."
+
+
+        LVII.--WISE PRECAUTION.
+
+IT is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure
+hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful
+and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon which he
+suddenly stopped: "My boys," said he, "let us be _grave_: here comes a
+_fool_."
+
+
+        LVIII.--A TRUMP CARD.
+
+AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago,
+Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess
+observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous
+than the rage for play among men. "In short, you think," said Mr.
+Rogers, "that _clubs_ are worse than _diamonds_." This joke excited a
+laugh; and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following
+_impromptu_ sermonet--most appropriately _on a card_:--
+
+    Thoughtless that "all that's brightest fades,"
+    Unmindful of that _Knave of Spades_,
+      The Sexton and his Subs:
+    How foolishly we play our parts!
+    Our _wives_ on _diamonds_ set their _hearts_,
+      _We_ set our _hearts_ on _clubs_!
+
+
+        LIX.--MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
+
+A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of
+guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but
+one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, "I believe,
+madam," said he, "I have _dropt a guinea_."--"No, sir," replied the
+lady, "it is I that have _dropt it_."
+
+
+        LX.--ALONE IN HIS GLORY.
+
+A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the
+latter told him he was no "gentleman."--"Are _you_ a gentleman?" asked
+the droll one. "Yes, sir," bounced the fop. "Then, I am very glad _I am
+not_," replied the other.
+
+
+        LXI.--A CAPITAL LETTER.
+
+DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by
+his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor
+Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church
+said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt _Prophet_ with an F.
+
+
+        LXII.--A GOOD PARSON.
+
+DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains,
+whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his
+faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall,
+and said to him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always
+quarrelling with me?"--"I hope your Majesty is not angry with me," quoth
+the doctor, "for telling the truth."--"No, no," says the king, "but I
+would have us for the future be friends."--"Well, well," quoth the
+doctor, "I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,--as _you
+mend I'll mend_."
+
+
+        LXIII.--SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.
+
+A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf,
+and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that
+he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of
+dough, "you will have _the less to carry_."--"True," replied the lad,
+and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker
+called after him that he had not left money enough. "Never mind that,"
+said young sooty, "you will have _the less to count_."
+
+
+        LXIV.--THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.
+
+LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his
+acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
+justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened
+one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
+ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
+met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: "That I
+will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lordship remember me?
+My name's John ----; I have had the honor to be before your lordship for
+stealing sheep?"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife?
+she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them
+to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got
+off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher
+trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honor of
+_meeting again_."
+
+
+        LXV.--A LATE EDITION.
+
+IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the
+manuscript of a friend, the answer, "That it would be read when Homer
+and Virgil were forgotten, _but not till then_."
+
+
+        LXVI.--VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.
+
+    SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife,
+    Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife;
+    So termagant awhile her thunder tries,
+    And when she can no longer scold, she cries.
+
+
+        LXVII.--THREE TOUCHSTONES.
+
+AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--"The goodness of gold
+is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men
+by the ordeal of women."
+
+
+        LXVIII.--A DIALOGUE.
+
+    _Pope._
+
+    SINCE my old friend is grown so great,
+    As to be minister of state,
+    I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope)
+    That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.
+
+    _Craggs._
+
+    ALAS! if I am such a creature,
+    To grow the worse for growing greater,
+    Why, faith, in spite of all my brags,
+    'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.
+
+
+        LXIX.--BEAR AND VAN.
+
+THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, "Your name
+is such a long one, I shall drop the _sittart_, and call you _Van_ for
+the future."--"With all my heart," said he: "by the same rule, I shall
+drop _croft_, and call you _Bear_!"
+
+
+        LXX.--EPITAPH FOR SIR JOHN VANBRUGH.
+
+    LIE heavy on him, Earth! for he
+    Laid many heavy loads on thee!
+
+
+        LXXI.--PROVING THEIR METAL.
+
+WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to
+this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower
+declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the
+measures. Upon which Dryden said, that "the seven golden candlesticks
+them proved _prince's metal_."
+
+
+        LXXII.--A DISTANT PROSPECT.
+
+THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may
+be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no
+very pleasing scenery. Porson, walking that way with a friend, and
+observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a
+_fellowship_, which was a long dreary walk, with a church _at the end of
+it_."
+
+
+        LXXIII.--SOUND SLEEPER.
+
+A MAN meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a
+dream."--"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not _hear you_."
+
+
+        LXXIV.--A CHEAP CURE.
+
+"PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and
+luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and _earn it_!" was the
+pithy answer.
+
+
+        LXXV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    YOU say, without reward or fee,
+      Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill;
+    I say he never did prescribe for me,
+      The proof is plain,--_I'm living still_.
+
+
+        LXXVI.--A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.
+
+SEVERAL young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of
+representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an
+excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came forward to
+apologize to the audience, and told them that _a_ Mr. ---- had declined
+to perform his part. The gentleman was highly indignant at the "_a_,"
+and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who
+replied that he supposed Mr. ---- wanted to be called _the_ Mr.
+So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "_Definite
+Article_."
+
+
+        LXXVII.--A BANKER'S CHECK.
+
+ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote
+very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:--
+
+    "They say he has no heart, and I deny it:
+    He has a heart, and--_gets his speeches by it_."
+
+
+        LXXVIII.--A FILLIP FOR HIM.
+
+THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just
+made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has studied
+the _wrong Phillips_."
+
+
+        LXXIX.--BLACK OILS.
+
+"WHAT'S the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected
+around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put
+on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted.
+"Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor
+negro _to get oil_."
+
+
+        LXXX.--A BAD CROP.
+
+A SEEDSMAN being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language
+respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line
+of his profession--to promote business, he wished to _sow sedition_.
+
+
+        LXXXI.--A GRAVE DOCTOR.
+
+COUNSELLOR CRIPS being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company,
+a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner
+being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his
+surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is
+but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his _old patients_."
+
+
+        LXXXII.--WASTE POWDER.
+
+DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume
+remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing
+an eight-and-forty pounder at the _door of a pigsty_."
+
+
+        LXXXIII.--THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.
+
+AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a
+very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so
+sorrowful. "Alas!" said he, "I am in a state of insolvency."--"Well,"
+said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your
+_creditors_, who ought to wear a woful countenance."
+
+
+        LXXXIV.--BLACK AND WHITE.
+
+DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition,
+setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one
+evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary
+legislative wisdom."--"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was
+for the Irish that they were not _born black_! They would then have had
+plenty of friends in both houses."
+
+
+        LXXXV.--HOME IS HOME.
+
+"I LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I
+don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a _sty_
+in them when I saw her last."
+
+
+        LXXXVI.--A LIGHT STUDY.
+
+AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in
+front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said,
+"Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"--"No, sir," replied the
+alderman, "I am studying _gas-tronomy_."
+
+
+        LXXXVII.--A CLIMAX.
+
+A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were
+numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope
+you'll mend."--"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is _my last
+folly_."
+
+
+        LXXXVIII.--SIMPLE DIVISION.
+
+WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be
+examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the
+chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"--"Does your lordship
+mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?"--"Is it
+not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord
+Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a
+dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are
+but _two legs of mutton_."
+
+
+        LXXXIX.--HERO-PHOBIA.
+
+WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe,
+some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said
+the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would _bite_ some other
+of my generals."
+
+
+        XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.
+
+TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same
+desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a
+New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know
+how _old_ we are to be this year."
+
+
+        XCI.--NOT RIGHT.
+
+A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was
+told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up
+his left hand. "Hold up your _right_ hand," said the clerk. "Please your
+honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am
+_left-handed_."
+
+
+        XCII.--LIGHT-HEADED.
+
+DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his
+victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly
+after on a visit to his lordship, at his beautiful villa at Merton. From
+his usual absence of mind, he neglected to put a nightcap into his
+portmanteau, and consequently borrowed one from his lordship. Before
+retiring to rest, he sat down to study, as was his common practice,
+having first put on the cap, and was shortly after alarmed by finding it
+in flames; he immediately collected the burnt remains, and returned
+them with the following lines:--
+
+    "Take your nightcap again, my good lord, I desire,
+      I would not retain it a minute;
+    What belongs to a Nelson, wherever there's _fire_,
+      Is sure to be instantly _in it_."
+
+
+        XCIII.--"HE LIES LIKE TRUTH."
+
+A PERSON who had resided for some time on the coast of Africa was asked
+if he thought it possible to civilize the natives. "As a proof of the
+possibility of it," said he, "I have known some negroes that thought as
+little of a _lie_ or an _oath_ as any European."
+
+
+        XCIV.--HAND AND GLOVE.
+
+A DYER, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand, that
+was all black; "Take off your _glove_, friend," said the judge to him.
+"Put on your _spectacles_, my lord," answered the dyer.
+
+
+        XCV.--VAST DOMAIN.
+
+A GENTLEMAN having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call
+him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could
+make your words good, I should then be the _greatest_ monarch in the
+world."
+
+
+        XCVI.--MONEY RETURNED.
+
+A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to
+fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; "From such," said
+he, "I _had_ it, and to such I _give_ it again."
+
+
+        XCVII.--CHEESE AND DESSERT.
+
+TWO city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's wife, and the other a
+cheesemonger's, when they had risen up and took their departure, the
+cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, upon which the
+grocer's lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping
+before her, said, "No, madam, nothing comes after _cheese_."
+
+
+        XCVIII.--VERY POINTED.
+
+SIR JOHN HAMILTON, who had severely suffered from the persecutions of
+the law, used to say, that an attorney was like a hedgehog, it was
+impossible to touch him anywhere without _pricking_ one's fingers.
+
+
+        XCIX.--"THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE."
+
+A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for
+several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port
+placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. "Please
+your honor," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge me." The gentleman
+began, "One bottle _port_, one _ditto_, one _ditto_, one
+_ditto_,"--"Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are
+cheating you. I know I had some bottles of their _port_, but I did not
+taste a drop of their _ditto_."
+
+
+        C.--COMPUTATION.
+
+AN Irish counsellor having lost his cause, which had been tried before
+three judges, one of whom was esteemed a very able lawyer, and the other
+two but indifferent, some of the other barristers were very merry on the
+occasion. "Well, now," says he, "I have lost. But who could help it,
+when there were an hundred judges on the bench?--_one_ and _two
+ciphers_."
+
+
+        CI.--PRIMOGENITURE.
+
+AN Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish
+kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful
+appearance, while _his son_ was depicted with a long beard, and wore the
+traits of extreme old age. "Sancta Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian,
+"is it possible that this gentleman was an _old man_ when his father
+_was born_!!"
+
+
+        CII.--CHECK TO THE KING.
+
+ONE day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of
+this assertion: "I never knew a modest man make his way at court." To
+this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: "And,
+please your majesty, _whose fault is that_?" The king was struck, and
+remained silent.
+
+
+        CIII.--A FALL IN MITRES.
+
+ONE of the wooden _mitres_, carved by Grinly Gibbons over a prebend's
+stall in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose,
+Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether
+he should make it fast: "For, perhaps," said Jessy, "it may fall on your
+reverence's head."--"Well! Jessy," answered the humorous Cantab,
+"suppose it does fall on my head, I don't know that _a mitre falling on
+my head_ would hurt it."
+
+
+        CIV.--FALSE DELICACY.
+
+A PERSON, disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did
+not like to be thought a scoundrel. "I wish," replied Peter, "that you
+had as great a dislike _to being a scoundrel_."
+
+
+        CV.--A BAD HARVEST.
+
+THERE was much sound palpable argument in the speech of a country lad to
+an idler, who boasted his ancient family: "So much the worse for you,"
+said the peasant; "as we ploughmen say, '_the older the seed the worse
+the crop_.'"
+
+
+        CVI.--PROOF IMPRESSION.
+
+MR. BETHEL, an Irish barrister, when the question of the Union was in
+debate, like all the junior barristers published pamphlets upon the
+subject. Mr. Lysaght met this pamphleteer in the hall of the Four
+Courts, and in a friendly way, said, "Zounds! Bethel, I wonder you never
+told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
+contained some of the best things I have yet seen in any pamphlet upon
+the subject."--"I'm very proud you think so," said the other, rubbing
+his hands with satisfaction; "and pray, what are the things that pleased
+you so much?"--"Why," replied Lysaght, "as I passed by a pastry-cook's
+shop this morning, I saw a girl come out with three _hot mince-pies_
+wrapped up in one of your works."
+
+
+        CVII.--NECK OR NOTHING.
+
+A RIGHT reverend prelate, himself a man of extreme good-nature, was
+frequently much vexed in the spirit by the proud, froward, perverse, and
+untractable temper of his next vicar. The latter, after an absence much
+longer than usual, one day paid a visit to the bishop, who kindly
+inquired the cause of his absence, and was answered by the vicar, that
+he had been confined to his house for some time past by an obstinate
+_stiffness_ in his _knee_. "I am glad of that," replied the prelate;
+"'tis a good symptom that the disorder has changed place, for I had a
+long time thought it _immovably settled_ in your NECK."
+
+
+        CVIII.--ARCADIA.
+
+A FARM was lately advertised in a newspaper, in which all the beauty of
+the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air were
+detailed in the richest flow of rural description, which was further
+enhanced with this,--N.B. There is not _an attorney_ within fifteen
+miles of the neighborhood.
+
+
+        CIX.--QUITE PERFECTION.
+
+A PAINTER in the Waterloo Road had the following announcement displayed
+on the front of his house: "The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in
+the same line in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the "old
+original" stenciller, thus set forth his pretensions: "Stencilling in
+all its branches performed in the very height _of acme_!"
+
+
+        CX.--THE LATE MR. COLLINS.
+
+COLLINS the poet, coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom
+he was fond, had left it, said, how unlucky he was that he had come _a
+day after the fair_.
+
+
+        CXI.--A FAMILY PARTY.
+
+A CERTAIN lodging-house was very much infested by vermin. A gentleman
+who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she
+said, "La, sir, we haven't a _single_ bug in the house."--"No ma'am,"
+said he, "they're all _married_, and have large families too."
+
+
+        CXII.--CALF'S HEAD SURPRISED.
+
+A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures
+of the table, said, "So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the
+greatest delicacies."--"Why not," replied the other, "do you think
+Providence intended all the _good things_ for fools?"
+
+
+        CXIII.--POPPING THE QUESTION.
+
+A GIRL forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man,
+whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service
+where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her
+husband, said, with great simplicity, "Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the
+first person who has asked _my opinion_ about the matter."
+
+
+        CXIV.--SCANDALOUS.
+
+IT was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's
+tables, that he never _opened his mouth_ but at another man's expense.
+
+
+        CXV.--THE PRINCE OF ORANGE AND JUDGE JEFFERIES.
+
+WHEN Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land,
+and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., was already
+written, "Pray, my Lord Chief Justice," said a gentleman present, "what
+do you think will be the heads of this manifesto?"--"_Mine_ will be
+one," replied he.
+
+
+        CXVI.--MODEST REQUEST.
+
+A GENTLEMAN travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road,
+who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he found very
+heavy, into his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman; "but
+if we should not be travelling to the same place, how will you get your
+coat?"--"Monsieur," answered the man with great _naivete_, "_I shall be
+in it_."
+
+
+        CXVII.--CAP THIS.
+
+SIR THOMAS MORE, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit
+to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the
+headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; "Ah! friend," said he,
+taking off his cap, "that, I think, is my _upper_ garment."
+
+
+        CXVIII.--A PRETTY METAPHOR.
+
+A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and leaving many friends in town,
+to retire with him into the country, Mrs. D. said prettily, "She has
+turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea."
+
+
+        CXIX.--ON A STONE THROWN AT A VERY GREAT MAN, BUT WHICH MISSED HIM.
+
+    TALK no more of the lucky escape of the _head_
+      From a flint so unluckily thrown;
+    I think very diff'rent, with thousands indeed,
+      'Twas a lucky escape for the _stone_.
+
+
+        CXX.--A MAN OF LETTERS.
+
+WHEN Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a
+porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was
+asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title.
+"Sir," says he, "I'd have you know, I had the honor of _chalking_ number
+45 upon every door between Temple Bar and Hyde Park-corner."
+
+
+        CXXI.--WELSH WIG-GING.
+
+AN Englishman and a Welshman, disputing in whose country was the best
+living, said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wales,
+that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding
+dinner."--"Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man
+_toasted_ his own cheese."
+
+
+        CXXII.--A SPRIG OF SHILLALAH.
+
+A FELLOW on the quay, thinking to _quiz_ a poor Irishman, asked him,
+"How do the potatoes eat now, Pat?" The Irish lad, who happened to have
+a _shillalah_ in his hand, answered, "O! they eat very well, my jewel,
+would you like to taste the _stalk_?" and knocking the inquirer down,
+coolly walked off.
+
+
+        CXXIII.--DOG-MATIC.
+
+IN the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the latter, who was a
+great courtier, said, "His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a
+cur." To which the other replied, "That _fawning_ was the property of a
+cur as well as barking."
+
+
+        CXXIV.--FALSE QUANTITY.
+
+A LEARNED counsel in the Exchequer spoke of a _nolle prosequi_.
+"Consider, sir," said Baron Alderson, "that this is the last day of
+term, and don't make things _unnecessarily long_."
+
+
+        CXXV.--IN SUSPENSE.
+
+THE sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves
+them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the
+ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives
+not _upon_ the branches, but _under_ them. He moves suspended, rests
+suspended, sleeps suspended, and passes his life in suspense,--like a
+young clergyman _distantly related_ to a bishop.
+
+
+        CXXVI.--PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.
+
+SOON after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a
+party where he happened to be present, a gentleman solicited a sketch
+of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous
+one:
+
+    "I went to Frankfort and got drunk
+    With that most learned professor, Brunck;
+    I went to Worts and got more drunken
+    With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."
+
+
+        CXXVII.--ARTIFICIAL HEAT.
+
+THE late Lord Kelly had a very red face. "Pray, my lord," said Foote to
+him, "come and _look over_ my garden-wall,--my cucumbers are very
+backward."
+
+
+        CXXVIII.--OUTWARD APPEARANCE.
+
+MAN is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.
+
+
+        CXXIX.--THE TWO SMITHS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the
+same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of
+calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share
+the letters equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said
+our friend, "and you must quit."--"Why am I to quit more than
+you?"--"Because you are James the Second--and must _abdicate_."
+
+
+        CXXX.--SAGE ADVICE.
+
+THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing
+him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, _hit
+it_."
+
+
+        CXXXI.--THE PURSER.
+
+LADY HARDWICKE, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he
+did, and what _he_ got _she_ saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is
+carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his
+time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be
+provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually retained them
+herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the
+length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved,
+that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains
+for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, "There was not such a _purser_
+in the navy."
+
+
+        CXXXII.--A FOREIGN ACCENT.
+
+WHEN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord
+Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"--"No."--"Do you want to
+hae ony appointed?"--"I only want an interpreter to make me _understand_
+what your lordships say."
+
+
+        CXXXIII--EASY AS LYING.
+
+ERSKINE, examining a bumptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a
+rider? "I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of
+offended importance. "Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the
+_failing_ usually attributed to travellers?"
+
+
+        CXXXIV.--NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.
+
+A PRISONER in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had
+a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit.
+Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been
+thinking," said he, "that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here,
+and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so
+chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and who knows what it
+may cost you in the end! Therefore, what I propose is this: You shall
+let me out of prison, and, instead of _seven_ groats, you shall allow me
+only _eighteenpence_ a week, and the other _tenpence_ shall go towards
+the discharging of the debt."
+
+
+        CXXXV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)
+
+    IN former times the illustrious dead were burned,
+    Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned;
+    This column, then, commemorates the part
+    Which custom makes us single out--the heart;
+    You ask, "How by a column this is done?"
+    I answer, "_'Tis a hollow thing of stone_."
+
+
+        CXXXVI.--FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE.
+
+A DEPENDANT was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not
+possess. "I will do all in my power to prevent you _lying_," answered
+he.
+
+
+        CXXXVII.--THE INTRUDER REBUKED.
+
+JERROLD and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern.
+After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly
+under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a
+chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the
+stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his
+chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and
+inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the
+party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted
+to Jerrold, "I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a butt of
+me!"--"Then don't bring your _hog's head_ in here," was the prompt
+reply.
+
+
+        CXXXVIII.--CRITICAL POLITENESS.
+
+A YOUNG author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull
+off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot
+pass a very _old_ acquaintance," replied the critic, "without that
+civility."
+
+
+        CXXXIX.--A GOOD PLACE.
+
+A NOBLEMAN taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him,
+"The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct
+exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor."--"Sire," replied he,
+"I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give _my_
+successor the like advice."
+
+
+        CXL.--A CABAL.
+
+THE attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a
+conspiracy to overturn _monarchy_ by a _common-wheel_.
+
+
+        CXLI.--THE FIRE OF LONDON.
+
+ONE speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread
+Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill
+staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane
+had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was
+burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much
+singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe
+Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye
+Corner were over baked."
+
+
+        CXLII.--A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.
+
+    THE speeches made by P---- are _sound_,
+      It cannot be denied;
+    Granted; and then it will be found,
+      They're _little else_ beside.
+
+
+        CXLIII.--AN HONEST HORSE.
+
+A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with
+emphatic earnestness, that "he was an _honest_ horse." After the
+purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. "Why,
+sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to
+_throw_ me, and he certainly never _deceived_ me."
+
+
+        CXLIV.--THE RETORT CUTTING.
+
+BISHOPS SHERLOCK and HOADLY were both freshmen of the same year, at
+Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were
+first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a
+compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing.
+Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival, said,
+when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's
+_translation_ to-day."--"Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for
+I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is
+the only one in the college."
+
+
+        CXLV.--ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.
+
+MR. HENRY ERSKINE, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess
+of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and
+pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?"--"O!" answered her
+grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place--I hate it."--"Madam," replied
+the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark
+morning,--I _won't rise_ to-day."
+
+
+        CXLVI.--A LOVE SONG, BY DEAN SWIFT.
+
+    A PUD IN is almi de si re,
+    Mimis tres Ine ver require,
+    Alo veri find it a gestis,
+    His miseri ne ver at restis.
+
+
+        CXLVII.--BY THE SAME.
+
+    MOLLIS abuti,
+    Has an acuti,
+    No lasso finis,
+    Molli divinis.
+    O mi de armis tres,
+    Imi nadis tres,
+    Cantu disco ver
+    Meas alo ver?
+
+
+        CXLVIII.--A HAPPY SUGGESTION.
+
+WHEN Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the
+Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l.
+15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold
+suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The
+Nightingale's Wing."
+
+
+        CXLIX.--PLAYING ON A WORD.
+
+LORD ORFORD was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the
+celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration.
+Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia.
+Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said,
+"I think I saw a _lyre_ there." George Selwyn, who was of the party,
+whispered his next man, "Yes, and there is _one less_ since he left the
+country."
+
+
+        CL.--AN EYE TO PROFIT.
+
+A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious,
+was always abusing the avarice of others, added, "Is it not strange that
+this man will not take the _beam out of his own eye_ before he attempts
+the _mote_ in other people's?"--"Why, so I daresay he would," cried
+Sheridan, "if he was sure of _selling the timber_."
+
+
+        CLI.--"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."
+
+A VERY small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some
+supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took
+off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, "Sir, if
+you were not my officer, I would _extinguish_ you."
+
+
+        CLII.--A.I.
+
+A LEARNED barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did
+not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They
+are in Martial."--"Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on
+underwriting."--"Not so bad," replied the other. "After all, there is
+not so much difference between an _under writer_ and a _minor_ poet."
+
+
+        CLIII.--QUALIFYING FOR BAIL.
+
+A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in
+the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to
+him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth
+3,000l.?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to
+2,940. "That's all very good," said the serjeant, "but you want 60l.
+more to be worth 3,000."--"For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no
+ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and
+I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The serjeant looked
+abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well,
+brother Davy, I _think_ we may accept the bail."
+
+
+        CLIV.--BARRY'S POWERS OF PLEASING.
+
+SPRANGER BARRY, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of
+persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the
+Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in
+demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, "Don't be
+in a passion; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on
+the business."--"Not I," answered the man; "you owe me one hundred
+pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you
+till you owe me _two_."
+
+
+        CLV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+"IT is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination
+never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."--_Court
+Journal_.
+
+    'Tis right that Cumberland should be
+    In this resolve so steady,
+    For all the world declare that he
+    Is _too bare-faced_ already!
+
+
+        CLVI.--SENTENCE OF DEATH.
+
+THE following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy
+inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his
+pig's victuals.
+
+"SIR,--I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming
+Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My
+Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.
+
+                                                             "RD. GOLD."
+
+
+        CLVII.--NATIVE WIT.
+
+JOHN was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and
+the miller said, "John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me
+what you do know, and what you don't know."--"Well," replied John, "I
+know millers' hogs are fat!"--"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't
+you know?"--"I don't know _whose corn_ fats 'em!"
+
+
+        CLVIII.--WORTH THE MONEY.
+
+SIR ROBERT WALPOLE having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney
+said the honorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics. Sir
+Robert adhered to his version, and bet his opponent a guinea that he was
+right, proposing Mr. Harding as arbiter. The bet being accepted, Harding
+rose, and with ludicrous solemnity gave his decision against his patron.
+The guinea was thrown across the House; and when Pulteney stooped to
+pick it up, he observed, that "it was the first _public money_ he had
+touched for a long time." After his death, the guinea was found wrapped
+up in a piece of paper on which the circumstance was recorded.
+
+
+        CLIX.--SUITED TO HIS SUBJECT.
+
+THE ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major
+_Cart-wright_, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the
+_Common-Wheel_.
+
+
+        CLX.--NOT _versus_ NOTT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN of Maudlin, whose name was _Nott_, returning late from his
+friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his
+name and college. "I am _Nott_ of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping.
+"Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, "I did not ask of what
+college you are _not_, but of what college you are."--"I am _Nott_ of
+Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he
+considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and
+demanded of the porter, "whether he knew the gentleman."--"Know him,
+sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. _Nott_ of this college." The
+proctor now perceived his error in _not_ understanding the gentleman,
+and wished him a good night.
+
+
+        CLXI.--A COCKNEY EPIGRAM.
+
+    In Parliament, it's plain enough,
+      No reverence for age appears;
+    For they who hear each speaker's _stuff_,
+      Find there is no respect for _(y) ears_.
+
+
+        CLXII.--THE PINK OF POLITENESS.
+
+LORD BERKELEY was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of
+politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until
+they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers,
+and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, "Pray, my Lord
+Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?"--"Not since you
+hanged _your tutor_, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord
+Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was
+hanged.
+
+
+        CLXIII.--HIGH AND LOW.
+
+"I EXPECT six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman
+to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church
+or Low Church, sir?"--"What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the
+astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the reply. "If they are High
+Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, _they'll eat_!"
+
+
+        CLXIV.--CITY LOVE.
+
+    IN making love let poor men sigh,
+      But love that's ready-made is better
+    For men of business;--so I,
+      If madam will be cruel, let her.
+    But should she wish that I should wait
+      And miss the 'Change,--oh no, I thank her,
+    I court by _deed_, or after _date_,
+      Through my solicitor or banker.
+
+
+        CLXV.--INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.
+
+A SOLDIER in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that
+general, who reprimanded him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said
+the soldier. "I have the choice of names; if I had known one more
+illustrious _than yours_, I should have taken it."
+
+
+        CLXVI.--LORD CHESTERFIELD.
+
+WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to
+his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the
+king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council,
+however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous
+precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant
+of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking
+him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with
+whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up.
+"With the _devil's_!" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And
+shall the instrument," said the Earl, coolly, "run as usual, _Our trusty
+and well-beloved cousin and counsellor_?"--a repartee at which the king
+laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.
+
+
+        CLXVII.--SPECIAL PLEADING.
+
+WHEN a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if
+he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader,
+he replied, "Pray, sir, can your son _eat saw-dust without butter_?"
+
+
+        CLXVIII.--ON A NEW DUKE.
+
+    ASK you why gold and velvet bind
+      The temples of that cringing thief?
+    Is it so strange a thing to find
+      A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?
+
+
+        CLXIX.--THE ZODIAC CLUB.
+
+ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it
+should consist of twelve members, and be called "The Zodiac," each
+member to be named after a sign.
+
+"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid
+that his name would be forgotten.
+
+_Jerrold._--"Oh, we'll bring you in as the _weight_ in Libra."
+
+
+        CLXX.--QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE
+        HUMPHREY, AT ST. ALBAN'S.
+
+    "A PLAGUE on Egypt's arts, I say--
+    Embalm the dead--on senseless clay
+      Rich wine and spices waste:
+    Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I,
+    Bound in a precious pickle lie,
+      Which I can never taste!
+    Let me embalm this flesh of mine,
+    With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine,
+      And spoil the Egyptian trade,
+    Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I,
+    Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie
+      A mummy ready made."
+
+
+        CLXXI.--STRIKING REPROOF.
+
+IT being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion,
+knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this
+was told by Lord Strangford, observed: "Oh! nothing is more natural for
+a literary lady than to double down a page."--"I would rather," replied
+his lordship, "advise Caroline to _turn over a new leaf_."
+
+
+        CLXXII.--A PRETTY PICTURE.
+
+E---- taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working
+at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her
+lips. "Do not trouble yourself so much, madam," exclaimed the painter;
+"if you please, I will draw your face _without any mouth_ at all."
+
+
+        CLXXIII.--UNKNOWN TONGUE.
+
+DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to
+the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no a wonderfu' thing that
+the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?"--"Not a
+bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their
+prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the
+French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic,
+"Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could _understan'_ them?"
+
+
+        CLXXIV.--DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD.
+
+WHILST the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the
+bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and dignity of
+a barrister, which was frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at that
+time Chief Justice. The attempts of the Chief Justice to brow-beat the
+counsel were on many occasions kept in check by the manly and dignified
+conduct of Mr. Dunning. Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in
+discovering the gist of a cause, and having done so, used to amuse
+himself by taking up a book or a newspaper, whilst counsel was
+addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dunning was speaking, and his
+Lordship seemed thus to hold his argument as of no consequence, the
+advocate would stop suddenly in his address, and on his Lordship
+observing, "Pray go on, Mr. Dunning," he would reply, "I beg your
+pardon, my Lord, but I fear I shall interrupt your Lordship's _more
+important_ occupations. I will wait until your Lordship has leisure to
+attend to my client and his humble advocate."
+
+
+        CLXXV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(A good word for Ministers.)
+
+    THE Whigs 'tis said have often broke
+    Their promises which end in smoke;
+      Thus their defence I build;
+    Granted in office they have slept,
+    Yet sure those _promises_ are _kept_
+      Which never are fulfilled.
+
+
+        CLXXVI.--CHANGING HIS LINE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a man who had been
+hanged, was told that he was dead. "And did he continue in the _grocery
+line_?" said the former. "Oh no," replied Jack; "he was quite in a
+_different line_ when he died."
+
+
+        CLXXVII.--TALL AND SHORT.
+
+AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very
+tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a
+friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."
+
+
+        CLXXVIII.--AN ODD COMPARISON.
+
+SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which
+were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the
+farmer, "do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and
+at two colleges in each university?"--"Well, sir," said the farmer,
+"what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I
+made was, the more he sucked, the greater _calf_ he grew."
+
+
+        CLXXIX.--ON THE RIGHT SIDE.
+
+IT was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing
+that he borrowed, "that he had _lost half_ of his memory."
+
+
+        CLXXX.--CAUSE OF ABSENCE.
+
+WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his
+wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in
+the Bench, "I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this
+case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Brougham, "but I understand he is
+ill--suffering from _Scarlett fever_."
+
+
+        CLXXXI.--THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.
+
+THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent
+than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:--
+
+"He is," says she, "an abhorred, barbarous, capricious, detestable,
+envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous,
+keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, passionate,
+quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious,
+abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating,
+gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless,
+savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious,
+blustering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful,
+inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing,
+unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring,
+incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring,
+sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome,
+tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling,
+brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal,
+dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable,
+irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive,
+outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged,
+spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly,
+suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent,
+wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger."
+
+
+        CLXXXII.--A FAMILIAR ILLUSTRATION.
+
+A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects
+of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."--"Quite
+right; can you give me an example?"--"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot,
+the days are longer; but in winter, which is _cold_, the days are
+_shorter_."
+
+
+        CLXXXIII.--HAPPINESS.
+
+HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in
+strangers' gardens.
+
+
+        CLXXXIV.--TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.
+
+IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in
+terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in
+this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the
+author would think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately
+happens, that those portions which are _new_ are not _true_, and those
+which are _true_ are not _new_!"
+
+
+        CLXXXV.--A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.
+
+A GENTLEMAN waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in
+behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of
+money.
+
+"Well," said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, "how much
+does ---- want this time?"
+
+"Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight," the
+bearer of the hat replied.
+
+_Jerrold._--"Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time."
+
+
+        CLXXXVI.--WASTE OF TIME.
+
+AN old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his
+friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. "Alas!" said he
+to them, "it is hardly worth while to _dress_ myself again."
+
+
+        CLXXXVII.--SCOTCH SIMPLICITY.
+
+AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a _clanking_
+noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her
+bedside, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin
+you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel." To which
+Jenny replied. "Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna
+expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your
+folk."
+
+
+        CLXXXVIII.--TWOFOLD ILLUSTRATION.
+
+SIR FLETCHER NORTON was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading
+before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced
+unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant
+in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge
+immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all _know_
+it, Sir Fletcher."
+
+
+        CLXXXIX.--NAT LEE AND SIR ROGER L'ESTRANGE.
+
+THE author of "Alexander the Great," whilst confined in a madhouse, was
+visited by Sir Roger L'Estrange, of whose political abilities Lee
+entertained no very high opinion. Upon the knight inquiring whether the
+poet knew him, Lee answered:--
+
+    "Custom may alter men, and manners change:
+    But I am still _strange Lee_, and you L'Estrange:
+    I'm poor in purse as you are poor in brains."
+
+
+        CXC.--MAIDS AND WIVES.
+
+WOMEN are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make
+'em wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage
+certificates, and defy you.--D.J.
+
+
+        CXCI.--TRAGEDY MS.
+
+LISTON, seeing a parcel lying on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury
+Lane Theatre, one side of which, from its having travelled to town by
+the side of some game, was smeared with blood, observed, "That parcel
+contains a manuscript tragedy." And on being asked why, replied,
+"Because the _fifth_ act is peeping out at one corner of it."
+
+
+        CXCII.--A TRUE COURTIER.
+
+ONE day, when Sir Isaac Heard was in company with George III., it was
+announced that his majesty's horse was ready for hunting. "Sir Isaac,"
+said the king, "are you a judge of horses?"--"In my younger days, please
+your majesty, I was a great deal among them," was the reply. "What do
+you think of this, then?" said the king, who was by this time preparing
+to mount his favorite: and, without waiting for an answer, added, "we
+call him. _Perfection_."--"A most appropriate name," replied the courtly
+herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, "for he _bears_ the
+best of characters."
+
+
+        CXCIII.--RARE VIRTUE.
+
+THE paucity of some persons' good actions reminds one of Jonathan Wild,
+who was once induced to be guilty of a good action, after fully
+satisfying himself, upon the maturest deliberation, that he could _gain
+nothing_ by refraining from it.
+
+
+        CXCIV.--A POSER.
+
+A COXCOMB in a coffee-house boasted that he had written a certain
+popular song, just as the true author entered the room. A friend of his
+pointed to the coxcomb: "See, sir, the real author of your favorite
+song."--"Well," replied the other, "the gentleman _might_ have made it,
+for I assure him I found no difficulty in doing it myself."
+
+
+        CXCV.--A SHEEPISH COMPLIMENT.
+
+LORD COCKBURN, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside
+with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest
+situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on
+the other side of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ah, my lord, but if
+ye had been a _sheep_ ye would hae had mair sense."
+
+
+        CXCVI.--CONSIDERABLE LATITUDE.
+
+SIR RICHARD JEBB being called to see a patient who fancied himself very
+ill, told him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescribing for
+him. "Now you are here," said the patient, "I shall be obliged to you,
+Sir Richard, if you will tell me how I must live; what I may eat, and
+what I may not."--"My directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard,
+"will be few and simple! You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs,
+for they are hard of digestion; nor the bellows, because they are
+_windy_; but eat anything else you please!"
+
+
+        CXCVII.--FARMER AND ATTORNEY.
+
+AN opulent farmer applied to an attorney about a lawsuit, but was told
+he could not undertake it, being already engaged on the other side; at
+the same time he gave him a letter of recommendation to a professional
+friend. The farmer, out of curiosity, opened it, and read as follows:--
+
+    "Here are two fat wethers fallen out together,
+    If you'll fleece one, I'll fleece the other,
+    And make 'em agree like brother and brother."
+
+The perusal of this epistle cured both parties, and terminated the
+dispute.
+
+
+        CXCVIII.--A WIFE AT FORTY.
+
+"MY notion of a wife at forty," said Jerrold, "is, that a man should be
+able to change her, like a bank-note, for two twenties."
+
+
+        CXCIX.--DISAPPROBATION.
+
+AN actor played a season at Richmond theatre for the privilege only of
+having a benefit. When his night came, and having to sustain a principal
+part in the piece, the whole of his audience (thirty in number), hissed
+him whenever he appeared. When the piece ended, he came forward and
+said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I return you my sincere thanks for your
+kindness, but when you mean to hiss me again on my benefit night, I hope
+you will be at least _six times_ as many as are here to-night."
+
+
+        CC.--NOVEL OFFENCE.
+
+COOKE and Dibdin went, at a tolerably steady quick-step, as far as the
+middle of Greek Street, when Cooke, who had passed his hand along all
+the palisades and shutters as he marched, came in contact with the
+recently-painted new front of a coachmaker's shop, from which he
+obtained a complete handful of wet color. Without any explanation as to
+the cause of his anger, he rushed suddenly into the middle of the
+street, and raised a stone to hurl against the unoffending windows; but
+Dibdin was in time to save them from destruction, and him from the
+watch-house. On being asked the cause of his hostility to the premises
+of a man who could not have offended him, he replied, with a hiccup,
+"what! not offend? A ---- ignorant coachmaker, to leave his _house out_,
+new-painted, at this time of night!"
+
+
+        CCI.--MEASURING HIS DISTANCE.
+
+A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain
+place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How
+came you to be so exact, my friend?"--"Because I expected _some fool_ or
+other would ask me, and so I measured it."
+
+
+        CCII.--VERY CLEAR.
+
+"WHAT is light?" asked a schoolmaster of the booby of a class. "A
+sovereign that isn't full weight is light," was the prompt reply.
+
+
+        CCIII.--BROTHERLY LOVE.
+
+"AH!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been
+preaching to a congregation of asses."--"Then that was the reason why
+you always called them _beloved brethren_," replied a strong-minded
+lady.
+
+
+        CCIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    BY a friend of Sir Turncoat 'twas lately averr'd,
+    The electors would find him as good as his word!
+    "_As good as his word_," did you say, "gracious me!
+    _What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be_!"
+
+
+        CCV.--MODEST.
+
+IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best
+debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, "Lord
+Stanley is the _second_, madam."
+
+
+        CCVI.--A JOINT CONCERN.
+
+A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the
+performance of a fine anthem, "I think we performed very well
+to-day."--"_We_ performed!" answered the organist; "I think it was _I_
+performed, or I am much mistaken." Shortly after another celebrated
+piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ
+stopped; the organist cried out in a passion, "Why don't you blow?" The
+fellow popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, "Shall it
+be _we_ then?"
+
+
+        CCVII.--PROFESSIONAL.
+
+AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding,
+replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we
+are unable to find room for it."
+
+
+        CCVIII.--A GOOD REASON.
+
+A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his
+domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out
+to him by the lawyer. "I shall leave him nothing," said the nobleman,
+"because he has _served me_ these twenty years."
+
+
+        CCIX.--ON A BAD MAN.
+
+    BY imbecility and fears
+      Will is restrain'd from doing ill;
+    His mind a porcupine appears,
+      A porcupine _without a quill_.
+
+
+        CCX.--A CLEVER DOG.
+
+AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds,
+called the "Caravan," Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on
+purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. "Where is he?" was the
+first question: "where is my guardian angel?"--"Here I am," answered
+Reynolds. "Pooh!" replied Sheridan, "I don't mean _you_, I mean _the
+dog_."
+
+
+        CCXI.--A KNOTTY POINT.
+
+THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots _scattered_
+through the town. They argued that under the circumstances it was
+impossible they could have been _collected_.
+
+
+        CCXII.--GEORGE SELWYN.
+
+THIS gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted by the
+frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him
+with questions and asking him how he did. "How are you now, sir?" said
+the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity,
+replied, "Very well; and I intend to continue so _all the rest_ of the
+journey."
+
+
+        CCXIII.--EMPEROR OF CHINA.
+
+SIR G. STAUNTON related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of
+China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians
+were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made
+to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, "Is any man well in England,
+that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you," said he, "how I
+manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is
+committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am
+ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my
+illnesses are _usually short_."
+
+
+        CCXIV.--LANDLORD AND TENANTS.
+
+    SAYS his landlord to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
+      I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
+    "Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good;
+      For I never can _raise it_ myself."
+
+
+        CCXV.--AN UGLY DOG.
+
+JERROLD had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the
+country, a lady who was passing turned round and said, audibly, "What an
+ugly little brute!" whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied,
+"Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks _about us_ at this moment!"
+
+
+        CCXVI.--THE WRONG LEG.
+
+MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton,
+D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of
+pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving,
+could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain.
+Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, "Don't make yourself
+unhappy, D'Egville; _perhaps it is in the other leg_."
+
+
+        CCXVII.--FEMALE TALKERS.
+
+IT was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one
+side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his
+sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the
+congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman
+immediately rose, and wishing to clear her own sex from the aspersion,
+said: "Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."--"So
+much the better, good woman, so much the better," answered the
+clergyman; "it will be the _sooner over_."
+
+
+        CCXVIII.--FIGHTING BY MEASURE.
+
+THE usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen
+Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most
+likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at
+"the place called Fifteen Acres--'be the same more or less.'"
+
+
+        CCXIX.--SUGGESTION.
+
+"DO you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal
+performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the
+other. "Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed,
+by accident, some train oil."--"I don't think," rejoined Bannister, "it
+would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had _swallowed a
+dancing-master_!"
+
+
+        CCXX.--THE FORCE OF SATIRE.
+
+JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of
+money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a
+message to him, and the following lines, adding, "Tell the dog that he
+who wrote these can write more":--
+
+    "With leering looks, bull-necked, and freckled face,
+    With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair,
+    And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!"
+
+Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion
+of the portrait, immediately sent the money.
+
+
+        CCXXI.--THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.
+
+JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the
+subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see
+the English and French such good friends at last. "Tut! the best thing I
+know between France and England is--_the sea_," said Jerrold.
+
+
+        CCXXII.--QUIN'S SAYING.
+
+ON the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin
+used to say, "Every king in Europe would rise with a _crick in his
+neck_."
+
+
+        CCXXIII.--A GOOD REASON.
+
+A CERTAIN minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked
+him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied
+he, "for mine eyes have not come together these three nights."--"What is
+the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," said he, "because _my
+nose_ was betwixt them."
+
+
+        CCXXIV.--BILLY BROWN AND THE COUNSELLOR.
+
+WHEN Mr. Sheridan pleaded in court his own cause, and that of the Drury
+Lane Theatre, an Irish laborer, known amongst the actors by the name of
+Billy Brown, was called upon to give his evidence. Previous to his going
+into court, the counsellor, shocked at the shabby dress of the witness,
+began to remonstrate with him on this point: "You should have put on
+your Sunday clothes, and not think of coming into court covered with
+lime and brick-dust; it detracts from the credit of your
+evidence."--"_Be cool, Mr. Counsellor_," said Billy, "_only be cool,
+you're in your working-dress, and I am in mine; and that's that_."
+
+
+        CCXXV.--THE RULING PASSION AFTER DEATH.
+
+A DRUNKEN witness leaving the box, blurted out, "My Lord, I never cared
+for anything but women and horseflesh!" Mr. Justice Maule: "Oh, you
+never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to
+go home and make your will, or, if you have made it, put a codicil to
+it, and direct your executors, as soon as you are dead, to have you
+flayed, and to have your skin made into side-saddles, and then, whatever
+happens, you will have the satisfaction of reflecting that, after death,
+some part of you will be constantly in contact with what, in life, were
+the _dearest objects_ of your affections."
+
+
+        CCXXVI.--CUT AND COME AGAIN.
+
+A GENTLEMAN who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who
+drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a
+charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the
+horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he,
+"it's _whipcord_ it is!"
+
+
+        CCXXVII.--CALIBAN'S LOOKING-GLASS.
+
+A REMARKABLY ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a
+dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a
+glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite
+neighbor with great effect, said slily, "What, already, Jerrold! Now I
+never break a glass."--"I wonder at that," was Jerrold's instant reply,
+"you ought whenever _you look in one_."
+
+
+        CCXXVIII.--UNION IS STRENGTH.
+
+A KIND-HEARTED, but somewhat weak-headed, parishioner in the far north
+got into the pulpit of the parish church one Sunday before the minister,
+who happened on that day to be rather behind time. "Come down, Jamie,"
+said the minister, "that's my place."--"Come ye up, sir," replied Jamie;
+"they are a stiff-necked and rebellious generation the people o' this
+place, and it will _take us baith_ to manage them."
+
+
+        CCXXIX.--FRENCH PRECIPITATION.
+
+THE late Mr. Petion, who was sent over into this country to acquire a
+knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared himself
+thoroughly informed upon the subject, after remaining precisely
+_two-and-thirty minutes_ in the Old Bailey.
+
+
+        CCXXX.--MAKING IT UP.
+
+AN attorney being informed by his cook that there was not dinner enough
+provided, upon one occasion when _company_ were expected, he asked if
+she had _brothed_ the clerks. She replied that she had done so. "Well
+then," said he, "broth 'em _again_."
+
+
+        CCXXXI.--OLD STORIES OVER AGAIN.
+
+BUBB DODDINGTON was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day, after dinner
+with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the latter reproached
+Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep;
+and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been
+saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story; and
+Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "Well," said Doddington, "and
+yet I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep, because I knew
+that about this time of day _you would tell that story_."
+
+
+        CCXXXII.--HUMOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
+
+A CRITIC one day talked to Jerrold about the humor of a celebrated
+novelist, dramatist, and poet, who was certainly no humorist.
+
+"Humor!" exclaimed Jerrold, "why he sweats at a joke, like a Titan at a
+thunderbolt!"
+
+
+        CCXXXIII.--EQUALITY.
+
+SOME one was praising our public schools to Charles Landseer, and said,
+"All our best men were public school men. Look at our poets. There's
+Byron, he was a Harrow boy--"--"Yes," interrupted Charles, "and there's
+Burns,--he was a _ploughboy_."
+
+
+        CCXXXIV.--QUITE NATURAL.
+
+"DID any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" asked the master of an
+infant school in a fast neighborhood.--"_I_ have!" shouted a
+six-year-old at the foot of the class. "Where?" inquired old spectacles,
+amused by his earnestness. "_On the elephant_!" was the reply.
+
+
+        CCXXXV.--MISER'S CHARITY.
+
+AN illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat,"
+but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to
+that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks
+proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is
+_nothing to nobody_."
+
+
+        CCXXXVI.--SHAKING HANDS.
+
+AT a duel the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon
+one of the seconds interfered, and proposed that the combatants should
+shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary,--"For,"
+said he, "their hands have been _shaking_ this half-hour."
+
+
+        CCXXXVII.--MILTON ON WOMAN.
+
+MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in
+the different languages: to which he replied, "No, sir; one tongue is
+sufficient for a woman."
+
+
+        CCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On bank notes being made a legal tender.)
+
+    THE privilege _hard_ money to demand,
+    It seems but fair the public should surrender;
+    For I confess I ne'er could understand
+    Why cash called _hard_, should be a legal _tender_.
+
+
+        CCXXXIX.--A GOOD REASON.
+
+"THAT'S a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes," replied the
+old dame, "and _he_ never cries."--"That's because he's never washed,"
+rejoined the youngster.
+
+
+        CCXL.--ON FARREN, THE ACTOR.
+
+    IF Farren, cleverest of men,
+      Should go to the right about,
+    What part of town will he be then?
+      Why, "Farren-done-without!"
+
+
+        CCXLI.--PADDY'S LOGIC.
+
+"THE sun is all very well," said an Irishman, "but the moon is worth two
+of it; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we _want
+it_, whereas the sun's with us in the day-time, when we have _no
+occasion for it_."
+
+
+        CCXLII.--WARNING TO LADIES.
+
+BEWARE of falling in love with a pair of moustaches, till you have
+ascertained whether their wearer is the original proprietor.
+
+
+        CCXLIII.--A MOT OF DE FOE.
+
+WHEN Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was
+expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator;
+but not proving so, De Foe said, "He had better have continued the
+_Spectator_ than the _Tatler_."
+
+
+        CCXLIV.--A FAIR REPULSE.
+
+AT the time of the threatened invasion, the laird of Logan had been
+taunted at a meeting at Ayr with want of a loyal spirit at Cumnock, as
+at that place no volunteer corps had been raised to meet the coming
+danger; Cumnock, it should be recollected, being on a high situation,
+and ten or twelve miles from the coast. "What sort of people are you, up
+at Cumnock?" said an Ayr gentleman; "you have not a single
+volunteer!"--"Never you heed," says Logan, very quietly; "if the French
+land at Ayr, there will soon be _plenty of volunteers up at Cumnock_."
+
+
+        CCXLV.--CLAW AND CLAW.
+
+LORD ERSKINE and Dr. Parr, who were both remarkably conceited, were in
+the habit of conversing together, and complimenting each other on their
+respective abilities. On one of these occasions, Parr promised that he
+would write Erskine's epitaph; to which the other replied, that "such an
+intention on the doctor's part was almost a temptation to commit
+suicide."
+
+
+        CCXLVI.--THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.
+
+THE other day, a certain bishop lost his portmanteau. The circumstance
+has given rise to the following:--
+
+    I have lost my portmanteau--
+      "I pity your grief;"
+    It contained all my sermons--
+      "I pity the thief."
+
+
+        CCXLVII.--FORCE OF NATURE.
+
+S----'S head appears to be placed in most accurate conformity with the
+law of nature, in obedience to which that which is most _empty_ is
+generally _uppermost_.
+
+
+        CCXLVIII.--BLOWING A NOSE.
+
+SIR WILLIAM CHERE had a very long nose, and was playing at backgammon
+with old General Brown. During this time, Sir William, who was a
+snuff-taker, was continually using his snuff-box. Observing him leaning
+continually over the table, and being at the same time in a very bad
+humor with the game, the general said, "Sir William, blow your
+nose!"--"Blow it _yourself_!" said Sir William; "'tis as near you as
+me!"
+
+
+        CCXLIX.--TOO CIVIL.
+
+MACKLIN one night sitting at the back of the front boxes, with a
+gentleman of his acquaintance, an underbred lounger stood up immediately
+before him, and covered the sight of the stage entirely from him.
+Macklin patted him gently on the shoulder with his cane, and, with much
+seeming civility, requested "that when he saw or heard anything that was
+entertaining on the stage, to let him and the gentleman with him know of
+it, as at present we must totally depend on _your kindness_." This had
+the desired effect,--and the lounger walked off.
+
+
+        CCL.--TORY LIBERALITY.
+
+A CERTAIN anti-illuminating marquis, since the memorable night of the
+passing of the Reform Bill, has constantly kept _open house_, at least,
+so we are informed by a person who lately looked in at his windows.
+
+
+        CCLI.--A CAPITAL JOKE.
+
+LORD BRAXFIELD (a Scotch judge) once said to an eloquent culprit at the
+bar, "You're a vera clever chiel, mon, but I'm thinking ye wad be nane
+_the waur_ o' a hanging."
+
+
+        CCLII.--PIG-HEADED.
+
+MR. JUSTICE P----, a well-meaning but particularly prosing judge, on one
+of his country circuits had to try a man for stealing a quantity of
+copper. In his charge he had frequent occasion to mention the "copper,"
+which he uniformly called "lead," adding, "I beg your pardon,
+gentlemen,--_copper_; but _I can't get the lead out of my head_!" At
+this candid confession the whole court shouted with laughter.
+
+
+        CCLIII.--BURIED WORTH.
+
+SIR THOMAS OVERBURY says, that the man who has not anything to boast of
+but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato,--the only good
+belonging to him is _underground_.
+
+
+        CCLIV.--A JUST DEBTOR.
+
+ON one occasion Lord Alvanley had promised a person 100l. as a bribe,
+to conceal something which would have involved the reputation of a lady.
+On that person's application for the money, his lordship wrote a check
+for 25l. and presented it to him. "But, my lord, you promised me
+100l."--"True," said his lordship, "I did so; but you know, Mr. ----,
+that I am now making arrangements with all my creditors _at 5s. in the
+pound_. Now you must see, Mr. ----, that if I were to pay you at a
+higher rate than I pay them, I should be doing my creditors an
+injustice!"
+
+
+        CCLV.--A SOUND CONCLUSION.
+
+SIR WILLIAM CURTIS sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded
+to the excellence of the knives, adding, that "articles manufactured
+from _cast steel_ were of a very superior quality, such as razors,
+forks, &c."--"Ay," replied the facetious baronet, "and soap too--there's
+no soap like _Castile_ soap."
+
+
+        CCLVI.--CUTTING HIS COAT.
+
+WHEN Brummell was the great oracle on coats, the Duke of Leinster was
+very anxious to bespeak the approbation of the "Emperor of the Dandies"
+for a "cut" which he had just patronized. The Duke, in the course of his
+eulogy on his Schneider, had frequent occasion to use the words "my
+coat."--"Your coat, my dear fellow," said Brummell: "what coat?"--"Why,
+_this_ coat," said Leinster; "this coat that I have on." Brummell, after
+regarding the vestment with an air of infinite scorn, walked up to the
+Duke, and taking the collar between his finger and thumb, as if fearful
+of contamination,--"What, Duke, do you call _that thing_ a coat?"
+
+
+        CCLVII.--NON SEQUITUR.
+
+ONE of Sir Boyle Roche's children asked him one day, "Who was the father
+of George III.?"--"My darling," he answered, "it was Frederick, Prince
+of Wales, who would have been George III. if he had lived."
+
+
+        CCLVIII.--ANY PORT IN A STORM.
+
+A VERY worthy, though not particularly erudite, under-writer at Lloyd's
+was conversing one day with a friend on the subject of a ship they had
+mutually insured. His friend observed, "Do you know that I suspect our
+ship is in _jeopardy_?"--"Well, I am glad that she has got _into some
+port at last_," replied the other.
+
+
+        CCLIX.--INGRATITUDE.
+
+WHEN Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, a
+banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest
+estimation, assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there
+at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, "Ah! sir! I did not expect that
+from _you_: for you know that, when all the country refused your notes,
+I _took_ them."
+
+
+        CCLX.--NOT SO BAD FOR A KING.
+
+GEORGE IV., on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered
+Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, "I won't say
+that Mr. Moore has _murdered_ Sheridan, but he has certainly _attempted
+his life_."
+
+
+        CCLXI.--A BAD CROP.
+
+AFTER a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country
+gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful
+rain; I hope it will bring up _everything out of the ground_."--"By
+Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have sowed three wives in
+it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again."
+
+
+        CCLXII.--"NONE SO BLIND," ETC.
+
+DANIEL PURCELL, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King
+George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him:
+"Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight."--"Yes," replied
+Daniel, "I think I know him, _but I can't swear to him_."
+
+
+        CCLXIII.--DUPLEX MOVEMENT.
+
+A WORTHY alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his
+company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the
+word, "_Advance_ three paces _back-wards_! march!"
+
+
+        CCLXIV.--COULEUR DE ROSE.
+
+AN officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he should come in
+contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed,
+"Keep off, you black rascal."--"You were as black as me before you were
+_boiled_," cried sooty.
+
+
+        CCLXV.--A FEELING WITNESS.
+
+A LAWYER, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an
+infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the
+jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite
+lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"--"_He pinched me_!"
+answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with
+laughter.
+
+
+        CCLXVI.--EXTREMES MEET.
+
+AN Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught
+him there again, he'd lock him up in the _ice-house_ and _warm_ his
+jacket.
+
+
+        CCLXVII.--DR. WEATHER-EYE.
+
+AN Irish gentleman was relating in company that he _saw_ a terrible wind
+the other night. "_Saw_ a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind
+being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"--"_Like_ to have blown my
+house about my ears," replied the first.
+
+
+        CCLXVIII.--HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.
+
+AN old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her
+absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He
+accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother,"
+then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather
+bad), the old lady exclaimed, "_Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always
+stuttered_!"
+
+
+        CCLXIX.--A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.
+
+DR. HENNIKER, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl
+of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said
+the doctor, "wit is like what a pension would be, given by your
+lordship to your humble servant, _a good thing well applied_."
+
+
+        CCLXX.--NATURAL TRANSMUTATION.
+
+THE house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in
+Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's
+shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:--
+
+    "The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,
+      Now to a smith doth pass;
+    How naturally the _iron age_
+      Succeeds the _age of brass_!"
+
+
+        CCLXXI.--CRITICS.
+
+LORD BACON, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, "With all
+their pretensions, they were only _brushers_ of noblemen's clothes."
+
+
+        CCLXXII.--QUESTION AND ANSWER.
+
+A QUAKER was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain
+duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by
+his _theeing_ and _thouing_, one of them with a stern countenance asked
+him, "Pray, sir, do you know what _we sit here for_?"--"Yea," replied
+Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen
+hundred and fifty pounds a year."
+
+
+        CCLXXIII.--A TRUE JOKE.
+
+A MAN having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual,
+asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against
+him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far
+enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you
+please, my lord, _we'll drop the subject_."
+
+
+        CCLXXIV.--THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.
+
+A JUDGE asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my
+lord," says he. "And why not fourscore and eight?" says the judge.
+"Because," replied he, "I was _eight_ before I was fourscore."
+
+
+        CCLXXV.--A CITY VARNISH.
+
+IT being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of
+Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and
+the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their
+assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or
+mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a
+gentleman present; "if you wish to _bring the figures out_, varnish it
+with _turtle soup_."
+
+
+        CCLXXVI.--A RUB AT A RASCAL.
+
+GEORGE COLMAN being once told that a man whose character was not very
+immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal
+and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's
+earth, it _daubs your coat_ a little for a time, but when it is _rubbed
+off_ your coat is so much the cleaner."
+
+
+        CCLXXVII.--A SAGE SIMILE.
+
+MR. THACKERAY once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and
+_onions_."
+
+
+        CCLXXVIII.--AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.
+
+_On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury
+Church._
+
+    The King of Great Britain was reckoned before
+      The _head of the Church_ by all Protestant people;
+    His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more,
+      For with them he is now made the _head of the steeple_.
+
+
+        CCLXXIX.--THE MAJESTY OF MUD.
+
+DURING the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the
+Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a
+troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and
+observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have
+often heard you and others talk of the _majesty_ of the people; but I
+never saw any of the young _princes and princesses_ till now."
+
+
+        CCLXXX.--A PROVIDENT BOY.
+
+AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday
+with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom,
+you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."--"O yes," retorted the
+half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for _yesterday_ and _to-day_ yet,
+father."
+
+
+        CCLXXXI.--A QUERY ANSWERED.
+
+    "WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings
+      No jester to their courts admit?"
+    "They're grown such stately solemn things,
+      To bear a joke they think not fit.
+    But though each court a jester lacks,
+      To laugh at monarchs to their faces,
+    Yet all mankind, behind their backs,
+      Supply the honest jesters' places."
+
+
+        CCLXXXII.--A WOMAN'S PROMISES.
+
+ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen
+Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face
+in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he
+thinks of nothing?"--"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which
+the Queen returned, "I must not _confute_ you, Sir Edward," and she left
+him.
+
+
+        CCLXXXIII.--THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.
+
+SARAH, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a
+medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove
+serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then,
+my lord duke, for it must be of _service_ one way or the other."
+
+
+        CCLXXXIV.--ROYAL FAVOR.
+
+A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken
+to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me
+_stand out of the way_."
+
+
+        CCLXXXV.--BLACK AND WHITE.
+
+    THE Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,
+    And boast that they are only blessed with light.
+    Peel's politics to both sides so incline,
+    He may be called the _equinoctial line_.
+
+
+        CCLXXXVI.--THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.
+
+AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid
+to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to
+be apprehended."
+
+
+        CCLXXXVII.--A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.
+
+DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram,
+being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in
+years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus
+replied:--
+
+    "Ancient Phyllis has young graces,
+    'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.
+      Shall I tell you how?
+    She herself makes her own faces,
+    And each morning wears a new one!
+      _Where's the wonder now_?"
+
+
+        CCLXXXVIII.--BRIGHT AND SHARP.
+
+A LITTLE boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a
+gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth,
+they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years,
+and _vice versa_. "What a _very sensible boy_, sir, must _you_ have
+been!" returned the child.
+
+
+        CCLXXXIX.--A WOODMAN.
+
+A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, was
+asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in
+a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great
+_deal_ every morning."--"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a
+_timber-yard_," was the rejoinder.
+
+
+        CCXC.--HUMAN HAPPINESS.
+
+A CAPTAIN in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth,
+boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the _happiest_ fellows
+in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged
+seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy
+that they have escaped."
+
+
+        CCXCI.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
+
+A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not
+finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship,
+"all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may _fit him_!"
+
+
+        CCXCII.--A DESERVED RETORT.
+
+A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an
+acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought
+it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the
+gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's _lands_, which is
+more than you can say."
+
+
+        CCXCIII.--A POETICAL SHAPE.
+
+WHEN Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that
+he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was
+_in and out_, like the lines of _a Pindaric ode_.
+
+
+        CCXCIV.--A COMMON CASE.
+
+A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a
+little, asked him where he lived? "Where I _live_," said he, "I don't
+know; but I _starve_ towards Wapping, and that way."
+
+
+        CCXCV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    YOU beat your pate, and fancy wit will come:
+    Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.
+
+
+        CCXCVI.--TOO COLD TO CHANGE.
+
+A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised
+him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam,"
+answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any
+_habit_, be it ever so bad."
+
+
+        CCXCVII.--SEALING AN OATH.
+
+    "Do you," said Fanny, t' other day,
+    "In earnest love me as you say;
+    Or are those tender words applied
+    Alike to fifty girls beside?"
+    "Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear,
+    For by those eyes,--those _lips_ I swear!"
+    She stopped me as the oath I took,
+    And cried, "You've sworn,--_now kiss the book_."
+
+
+        CCXCVIII.--A NEAT QUOTATION.
+
+LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause,
+was told that Mr. Serjeant _Joy_, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr.
+_Hope_, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His
+lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:--
+
+    "_Hope_ told a flattering tale,
+    That _Joy_ would soon return."
+
+
+        CCXCIX.--GOOD SPORT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat
+in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before
+breakfast. "Thirty-three _hairs_!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir!
+then you must have been firing at a _wig_."
+
+
+        CCC.--AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.
+
+A NOBLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair
+of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he
+arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty _hearse_ came by; on which his
+lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good
+fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send _you a fare_." This operated so
+strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon,
+and returned home in a whole skin.
+
+
+        CCCI.--A GOOD SERVANT.
+
+"I CAN'T conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you
+manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live
+at the rate you do."--"My lord," said the other, "I have a place."--"A
+place? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now,--pray what
+place?"--"_I am my own steward_."
+
+
+        CCCII.--BALANCING ACCOUNTS.
+
+THEOPHILUS CIBBER, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father
+for a hundred pounds. "Zounds, sir," said Colly, "can't you live upon
+your salary? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my
+father's money."--"But you have spent a great deal of _my father's_,"
+replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect.
+
+
+        CCCIII.--A NOVELTY.
+
+A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. "Then," added
+another, "you have _now_ done it for the first time."
+
+
+        CCCIV.--SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING.
+
+A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the
+Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of
+more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, "the
+reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to
+examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the country, no one be
+permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."--"Then," said
+she, "I suppose your lordship was _smuggled_."
+
+
+        CCCV.--BRUTAL AFFECTIONS.
+
+THE attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some
+instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap-dog biting a piece out of
+a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her _compassion_:
+"Poor little dear creature! I hope it will not make him sick!"
+
+
+        CCCVI.--AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY.
+
+AN alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him
+to speak at Guildhall. "I must first dine with you," replied he, "and
+see how you open your mouth, _that I may know what sort of words will
+fit it_."
+
+
+        CCCVII.--WHIG AND TORY.
+
+    WHIG and Tory scratch and bite,
+      Just as hungry dogs we see;
+    Toss a bone 'twixt two, they fight;
+      Throw a couple, they agree.
+
+
+        CCCVIII.--CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN.
+
+A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. ---- on her acting a certain female
+character so well. "To do justice to that character," replied the lady,
+modestly, "one should be young and handsome."--"Nay, madam," replied the
+gentleman, "you are a complete proof of the _contrary_."
+
+
+        CCCIX.--A PLACEBO.
+
+WHEN Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said
+to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, "I am sorry,
+Fraser, to leave this _old_ place."--"Psha, sir," said George, "don't
+fret; when you had this _old_ place, you were _out_ of place; now you
+are _in place_, you can get both _yourself and me a better place_." The
+hint was taken, and old George provided for.
+
+
+        CCCX.--A PLACE WANTED.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily with his wife, on the maid
+telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept
+scolding her from morning till night. "Happy girl!" said the master, "I
+wish I could give _warning_ too."
+
+
+        CCCXI.--NOT TO BE BOUGHT.
+
+A COMMON-COUNCILMAN'S lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and
+inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess
+answered, "pretty good, madam, she is very attentive: if she wants
+anything it is a _capacity_: but for _that_ deficiency you know we must
+not blame _her_."--"No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame _you_
+for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daughter a
+_capacity_; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may."
+
+
+        CCCXII.--SIGN OF BEING CRACKED.
+
+IN a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix,
+an apothecary's widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed
+that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the
+street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping
+_physic_ into the street be any proof of insanity."--"True, my lord,"
+replied the counsel, "but sweeping the _pots_ away, certainly was."
+
+
+        CCCXIII.--CRUEL SUGGESTION.
+
+LORD STANLEY came plainly dressed to request a private audience of King
+James I., but was refused admittance into the royal closet by a
+sprucely-dressed countryman of the king's. James hearing the altercation
+between the two, came out and inquired the cause. "My liege," said Lord
+Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your
+presence."--"Cousin," said the king, "how shall I punish him? Shall I
+send him to the Tower?"--"O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley,
+"inflict a severer punishment,--_send him back to Scotland_!"
+
+
+        CCCXIV.--AN ODD FELLOW.
+
+LORD WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE was a very singular character, and had more
+peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House
+of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the
+door, he called out in a very loud voice, "Where can my _fellow
+be_?"--"Not in Europe, my lord," said Anthony Henley, who happened to be
+near him, "_not in Europe_."
+
+
+        CCCXV.--POST-MORTEM.
+
+ONE of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and
+humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman
+having taken great offence at some sarcastic observation she made,
+intending to insult her, said, "You need not give yourself such airs,
+madam; you know your grandfather was hanged."--To which she instantly
+replied, "But not till he was _dead_."
+
+
+        CCCXVI.--KNOWING HIS PLACE.
+
+AT a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there
+was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise
+every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord
+Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility; let us see you run
+up after that boy."--"Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to
+_follow your Majesty_."
+
+
+        CCCXVII.--AN ATTIC JEST.
+
+SHERIDAN inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on
+his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to
+vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead
+a label, "To let."--"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, _unfurnished_,"
+rejoined the father.
+
+
+        CCCXVIII.--CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES.
+
+LORD B----, who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr.
+O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, "When do you mean to place your
+whiskers on the _peace establishment_?"--"When you place your tongue on
+the _civil list_!" was the rejoinder.
+
+
+        CCCXIX.--A READY RECKONER.
+
+A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, "If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how
+much will a great boar (_bore_?) weigh?" he replied, "Jump into the
+scales, and I will _tell you immediately_."
+
+
+        CCCXX.--CATCHING HIM UP.
+
+AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, "I am
+eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall
+be _both_ of an age."
+
+
+        CCCXXI.--A STOPPER.
+
+A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole
+purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the _stay_-maker.
+
+
+        CCCXXII.--A BOOK CASE.
+
+THERE is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who
+curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O! if that be law, Mr.
+Curran, I may burn my law-books!"--"Better _read_ them, my lord," was
+the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.
+
+
+        CCCXXIII.--HINC ILLE LACHRYMAE.
+
+"THE mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A----ll,
+"is really alarming. I think he generally buries, in verse, a first love
+every fortnight."--"Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so
+mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the _press_, and wipes his eyes
+with _the public_."
+
+
+        CCCXXIV.--REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.
+
+IT was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in
+London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more
+punctual in his prayers. "He has a very good reason for it," replied
+John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or
+conferred a favor on any man living, _no one would pray for him_."
+
+
+        CCCXXV.--A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN.
+
+BISHOP WARBURTON, going to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at
+the altar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, which he did not much like,
+and calling to the churchwarden said, "I suppose, sir, your fattest
+butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher
+thumped the cushion."
+
+
+        CCCXXVI.--STONE BLIND.
+
+LORD BYRON'S valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by
+observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my
+lord, what capital _mantelpieces_ that marble would make in England!"
+
+
+        CCCXXVII.--AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.
+
+IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of
+Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession.
+"I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my
+roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then
+returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play,
+and as I can find _no trace_ of _a plot_ in either, you may go free."
+
+
+        CCCXXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.
+
+DR. JOHNSON was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely
+inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up
+the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to
+induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how
+extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied
+the doctor; "I wish it were _impossible_."
+
+
+        CCCXXIX.--MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.
+
+NATURE descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his
+parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at
+it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects
+crawling about it, which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest,
+grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are
+convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.--S.S.
+
+
+        CCCXXX.--PLEASANT DESERTS.
+
+A CERTAIN physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing
+all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and
+ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to
+attend you,--you _deserve_ to be ill."
+
+
+        CCCXXXI.--A HOME ARGUMENT.
+
+    BY one decisive argument
+    Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent,
+      To fix the bridal day.
+    "Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed?
+    I shall not change my mind," she said.
+      "But then," says he, "I _may_."
+
+
+        CCCXXXII.--A BAD PEN.
+
+"NATURE has written 'honest man' on his face," said a friend to Jerrold,
+speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether blind.
+"Humph!" Jerrold replied, "then the pen must have been a very bad one."
+
+
+        CCCXXXIII.--WIGNELL THE ACTOR.
+
+ONE of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was _Cato_: and on its
+revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his
+old-established part of _Portius_; and having stepped forward with a
+prodigious though accustomed strut, began:--
+
+    "The dawn is overcast; the morning lowers,
+    And heavily, in clouds, brings on the day."
+
+The audience upon this began to vociferate "Prologue! prologue!
+prologue!" when Wignell, finding them resolute, without betraying any
+emotion, pause, or change in his voice and manner, proceeded as if it
+were part of the play:--
+
+    "Ladies and gentlemen, there has been no
+    Prologue spoken to this play these twenty years--
+    The great, the important day, big with the fate
+    Of Cato and of Rome."
+
+This wonderful effusion put the audience in good humor: they laughed
+immoderately, clapped, and shouted "_Bravo_!" and Wignell still
+continued with his usual composure and stateliness.
+
+
+        CCCXXXIV.--CANDOR.
+
+A NOTORIOUS egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good
+qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason
+why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others
+when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain
+enough," said Macklin; "_impudence_,--nothing but stark-staring
+impudence!"
+
+
+        CCCXXXV.--A "COLD" COMPLIMENT.
+
+A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments,
+complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head.
+"No wonder," returned the doctor; "you always go out without _anything_
+in it."
+
+
+        CCCXXXVI.--READY REPLY.
+
+THE grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the
+unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough
+to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had
+often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green,
+when, in obedience to the calls of his appetite, he went to hall to
+dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for
+invading the rights of his superiors, and for that purpose he threw up
+the sash at which he was sitting, and called to the student,--"Sir, I
+never look out of my window but I see you walking across the
+grass-plot". "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk
+across the grass-plot, but I _see you_ looking out of your window." The
+master, pleased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window,
+convulsed with laughter.
+
+
+        CCCXXXVII.--FULL PROOF.
+
+LORD PETERBOROUGH was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of
+Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be
+roughly treated, said,--"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons
+that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only
+_five guineas_ in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at
+your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and
+acclamations.
+
+
+        CCCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.
+
+    IN merry Old England it once was the rule,
+    The king had his poet and also his fool;
+    But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it,
+    That Cibber can serve both for _fool_ and for _poet_.
+
+
+        CCCXXXIX.--A PROPHECY.
+
+CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his
+son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why,"
+answered the comedian, "he is going to _draw houses_, like his father."
+
+
+        CCCXL.--A FIXTURE.
+
+DR. ROGER LONG, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark
+evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short
+post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of
+conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily,
+"Get out of the way, boy."--"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously,
+"is a _post-boy_, who never turns out of the way for anybody."
+
+
+        CCCXLI.--FAMILY PRIDE.
+
+A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato.
+John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his
+mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist _twa_ in the dish,
+and they maun be _keepit_ for the strangers."
+
+
+        CCCXLII.--EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.
+
+THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: "What
+was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old
+was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?"
+Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen _feet_."
+Witness: "Sixteen _feet_! Did I say sixteen _feet_?" Counsel: "You did."
+Witness: "_If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet_!--you don't
+catch me crossing myself!"
+
+
+        CCCXLIII.--WAY OF THE WORLD.
+
+    DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend
+    To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;
+    Should his differ from ours on any pretence,
+    We pity his want both of judgment and sense;
+    But if he falls into and flatters our plan,
+    Why, really we think him a sensible man.
+
+
+        CCCXLIV.--A BROAD-SHEET HINT.
+
+IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be
+written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning
+to _spell_ are requested to use _yesterday's paper_."
+
+
+        CCCXLV.--MODEST MERIT.
+
+A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an
+engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable
+of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was
+"the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered
+the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part
+of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked
+the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part.
+"Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you
+were the _worst_ actor in the world."--"True," replied the other, "but
+then I had not _seen you_."
+
+
+        CCCXLVI.--SOFT, VERY!
+
+SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester
+road, "Lord M----ms has the softest lips in the universe.--PHILLIS."
+Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,--
+
+    "Then as like as two chips
+    Are his head and his lips.--AMARILLIS."
+
+
+        CCCXLVII.--CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.
+
+CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following
+anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam,
+observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of _drowning_,
+"What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being
+_introduced_ to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on,
+leaving the poor fellow to his fate.
+
+
+        CCCXLVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On interminable harangues.)
+
+    YE fates that hold the vital shears,
+    If ye be troubled with remorse,
+    And will not cut ----'s _thread of life_,
+    Cut then the _thread of his discourse_.
+
+
+        CCCXLIX.--HALF-WAY.
+
+A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding.
+"Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the _bottom_, I'll
+warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths.
+"You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"--"Ay,"
+replied the other, "but you are not _half-way_ to the bottom yet."
+
+
+        CCCL.--SELF-KNOWLEDGE.
+
+"----," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will
+cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he _knows nothing_.
+
+
+        CCCLI.--TWO OF A TRADE.
+
+WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared
+at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this
+season, but he will be _robbing_ Harris (the manager) the next."
+
+
+        CCCLII.--A STRAY SHOT.
+
+AN officer, in battle, happening to _bow_, a cannon-ball passed over his
+head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see,"
+said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."
+
+
+        CCCLIII.--MILESIAN ADVICE.
+
+"NEVER be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer,
+remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a
+true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty
+woman, is _to shut his eyes_."
+
+
+        CCCLIV.--MR. ABERNETHY.
+
+A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her
+complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she
+said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."--"Why then,
+ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for _doing so_."
+
+
+        CCCLV.--THE DEBT PAID.
+
+    To John I owed great obligation,
+      But John, unhappily, thought fit
+    To publish it to all the nation;
+      Sure John and I are more than quit.
+
+
+        CCCLVI.--EXTREMES MEET.
+
+A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told
+him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."--"Extremes meet sometimes,"
+said Jerrold.
+
+
+        CCCLVII.--A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.
+
+A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his
+court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor
+bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the
+impertinent _ha, ha, ha!_ becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the
+doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that _you_
+can comprehend."
+
+
+        CCCLVIII.--TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.
+
+GARRICK was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of
+players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to
+Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you
+to write an address to the Birmingham audience."--"Suppose, then," said
+Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:--
+
+    Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel,
+    Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel--"
+
+"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players
+off the stage and pull the house down."--"My lord," said Garrick, "what
+is the use of an address if it does not come home to the _business_ and
+_bosoms_ of the audience?"
+
+
+        CCCLIX.--A GOOD REASON.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the
+rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to
+consider that they have _nothing_ else to do."
+
+
+        CCCLX.--FOLLOWING A LEADER.
+
+FRANKLIN, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary
+society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed,
+determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express
+satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the
+French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest
+when they were _praising you_!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained
+the matter.
+
+
+        CCCLXI.--IDOLATRY.
+
+THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.
+
+
+        CCCLXII.--TWICE RUINED.
+
+"I NEVER was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I _lost_ a
+lawsuit, and once when I _gained_ one."
+
+
+        CCCLXIII.--Q.E.D.
+
+A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name
+and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of
+this parish."--"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that
+be?"--"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the
+children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the
+fathers, and consequently _I am master_ of the whole parish."
+
+
+        CCCLXIV.--SHORT STORIES.
+
+SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for
+him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the
+laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's
+Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your
+book?"--"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird;
+"but they're unco' _short_."
+
+
+        CCCLXV.--ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.
+
+    IF ancient poets Argus prize,
+    Who boasted of a hundred eyes,
+    Sure greater praise to her is due,
+    Who looks a hundred ways with two.
+
+
+        CCCLXVI.--AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.
+
+FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket
+Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a
+_black lady of great accomplishments_.
+
+
+        CCCLXVII.--DEMOCRATIC VISION.
+
+HORNE TOOKE, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards,
+replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a _king_ from a _knave_."
+
+
+        CCCLXVIII.--FISHY, RATHER.
+
+LORD ELLENBOROUGH, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his
+carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the
+best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."
+
+
+        CCCLXIX.--LIGHT BREAD.
+
+A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a
+_pound_ of it weighs only _twelve_ ounces.
+
+
+        CCCLXX.--SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.
+
+THE late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who
+stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his
+lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as _you_
+my lord,--t-t-t-take me to be."
+
+
+        CCCLXXI.--ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.
+
+    AS Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace,
+      On velvet rests, 'tis said;
+    Ah! did he seek a softer place,
+      He'd rest upon his head.
+
+
+        CCCLXXII.--POLITICAL CORRUPTION.
+
+CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a
+chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then
+called aloud to his neighbors to witness his _dirty_ elevation.
+
+
+        CCCLXXIII.--A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.
+
+A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly,
+"Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to _take
+off_ his hat!"
+
+
+        CCCLXXIV.--A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.
+
+IN a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man
+in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us
+a _new hat_, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!
+
+
+        CCCLXXV.--EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.
+
+    FOOTE, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled,
+    Death _took him off, who took off all_ the world.
+
+
+        CCCLXXVI.--THE ANGRY OCEAN.
+
+"MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what
+makes the ocean get angry?"--"Because it has been _crossed_ so often, my
+son."
+
+
+        CCCLXXVII.--BREVITY.
+
+DR. ABERNETHY, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than
+by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing
+Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his
+house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."--"A poultice," quietly
+answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said,
+"Better."--"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made
+her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,--your
+fee?"--"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I
+ever saw."
+
+
+        CCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense,
+      He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;
+    For from the fact we draw the inference,
+      He's that which never has been made _a peer_.
+
+
+        CCCLXXIX.--A BROAD-BRIM HINT.
+
+A QUAKER said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be
+thy design _to hit_ the little man in the blue jacket, point thine
+engine three inches lower."
+
+
+        CCCLXXX.--AN ORDER FOR TWO.
+
+AT the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the
+author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr.
+Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether
+his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he
+wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"--"admit _two pounds
+two_."
+
+
+        CCCLXXXI.--EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.
+
+    HIS hair so black,--his beard so gray,
+      'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?
+    'Tis that his labors always lay,
+      Less on his brain than on his _jaws_.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXII.--MARRIAGE.
+
+A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying
+some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his
+present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my
+dear, nobody regrets _her loss_ more than I do."
+
+
+        CCCLXXXIII.--FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.
+
+A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a
+word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did
+not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait
+the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the
+_length_ of my sermon to-day?"--"No, sir, not at all; nor by the _depth_
+either!" The young man was silent.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXIV.--VISIBLE PROOF.
+
+AN Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his
+marriage, exhibited a _huge scar_ on his head, which looked as though it
+might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXV.--SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.
+
+THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once
+kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by _fixing_ the
+weathercock in that direction.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.
+
+    WE every-day bards may "Anonymous" sign:
+    That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:
+    Thy writings, where satire and moral unite,
+    Must bring forth the name of their author to light.
+    Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth,
+    The bad own their _Edge_ and the good own their _worth_.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXVII.--KEEN REPLY.
+
+A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was
+asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the
+nightingale, which does not sing after it has _made its nest_."
+
+
+        CCCLXXXVIII.--A GOOD EXAMPLE.
+
+IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the
+Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his
+tongue. There are other _speakers_ in the House (not official) who would
+show their sagacity by following the example of their President.
+
+
+        CCCLXXXIX.--A CERTAINTY.
+
+A PHYSICIAN passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning,
+Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In
+the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument
+next?"--"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and
+_you_ are doctoring him; then I _keep right on_."
+
+
+        CCCXC.--NOMINAL RHYMES.
+
+THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.
+
+    IS that dace or perch?
+      Said Alderman Birch;
+    I take it for herring,
+      Said Alderman Perring.
+    This jack's very good,
+      Said Alderman Wood;
+    But its bones might a man slay,
+      Said Alderman Ansley.
+    I'll butter what I get,
+      Said Alderman Heygate.
+    Give me some stewed carp,
+      Said Alderman Thorp;
+    The roe's dry as pith,
+      Said Alder_men_ Smith.
+    Don't cut so far down,
+      Said Alderman Brown;
+    But nearer the fin,
+      Said Alderman Glyn.
+    I've finished, i'faith, man,
+      Said Alderman Waithman:
+    And I too, i'fatkins,
+      Said Alderman Atkins.
+    They've crimped this cod drolly,
+      Said Alderman Scholey;
+    'T is bruised at the ridges,
+      Said Alderman Brydges.
+    Was it caught in a drag? Nay,
+      Said Alderman Magnay.
+    'T was brought by two men,
+      Said Alderman Ven-
+    ables: Yes, in a box,
+      Said Alderman Cox.
+    They care not how _fur 'tis_,
+      Said Alderman Curtis;
+    From air kept, and from sun,
+      Said Alderman Thompson;
+    Packed neatly in straw,
+      Said Alderman Shaw:
+    In ice got from Gunter,
+      Said Alderman Hunter.
+    This ketchup is sour,
+      Said Alderman Flower;
+    Then steep it in claret,
+      Said Alderman Garret.
+
+
+        CCCXCI.--A BROAD HINT.
+
+CHARLES II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the
+king said, "That's a good stroke for a _dean_."--"I'll give it the
+stroke of a _bishop_ if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive
+rejoinder.
+
+
+        CCCXCII.--VAILS TO SERVANTS.
+
+TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or
+visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon
+the subject eight letters to the Duke of N----, supposed to be the Duke
+of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the
+house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other
+servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who
+returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take _silver_."--"Don't you,
+indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then _I do_."
+
+
+        CCCXCIII.--QUITE TRUE.
+
+AVARICE is criminal poverty.
+
+
+        CCCXCIV.--CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.
+
+    "I'm very glad," to E--b--h said
+    His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,
+    "That 'tis the outer product of your head,
+    And not the _inner_, you _commit to paper_!"
+
+
+        CCCXCV.--THE POLITE SCHOLAR.
+
+A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the
+wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every _coxcomb_ the
+wall." The scholar answered, "But _I do, sir_;" and so passed by him.
+
+
+        CCCXCVI.--A COOL HAND.
+
+AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in
+sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from
+certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie
+Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals
+of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave
+some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear,"
+replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with
+serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave
+_me_ for _you_."
+
+
+        CCCXCVII.--QUID PRO QUO.
+
+A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred
+of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly
+unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what
+you lawyers mean by docking an entail."--"That is very likely," answered
+the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors
+never consent to,--_suffering a recovery_."
+
+
+        CCCXCVIII.--RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.
+
+A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--"Come,
+my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"--"Voight for my King,"
+answered Hodge, "why, has he _fawn out_ wi' ony body?"
+
+
+        CCCXCIX.--AN ANECDOTE.
+
+    E--D--N was asked by one of note,
+    Why merit he did not promote;
+    "For this good reason," answered he,
+    "'Cause _merit ne'er promoted me_."
+
+
+        CD.--DIDO.
+
+OF this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register
+Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious
+particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It
+happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly
+celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the
+conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's
+opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the
+man an injury, yet _he would read his tragedy to me_."
+
+
+        CDI.--EXTREME SIMPLICITY.
+
+A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who
+was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common
+property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with
+the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine,
+indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was _ice_
+in it."
+
+
+        CDII.--NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.
+
+DURING a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan
+theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by
+the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out,
+"Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made
+_wretched_ in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll _summons_ you,
+sir!"
+
+
+        CDIII.--AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when
+abroad, "because _nobody_ knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed
+when at home, "because _everybody_ knew him."
+
+
+        CDIV.--AN UPRIGHT MAN.
+
+ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned
+by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine,
+in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties
+with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So
+far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of
+_Bolt upright_."
+
+
+        CDV.--THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.
+
+ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who
+asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by
+the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so
+painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold
+enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no
+service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you
+what, I _won't say_ a word about it."
+
+
+        CDVI.--TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.
+
+IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would
+be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.
+
+
+        CDVII.--ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+(To those in want of employment.)
+
+    Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply,
+    Is always sure to find a _vacancy_.
+
+
+        CDVIII.--A "DOUBLE TIMES."
+
+A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the _Times_ newspaper was put into the
+hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a
+bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal.
+"Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well
+for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living
+in the country,--it is equal to a _day's fishing_."
+
+
+        CDIX.--PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.
+
+DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not
+even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged
+with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady
+how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well,
+madam, considering that I have _three_ adversaries."
+
+
+        CDX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.)
+
+    YES, in debate we must admit,
+      His argument is quite profound;
+    His reasoning's _deep_, for _deuce a bit_
+      Can anybody _see the ground_.
+
+
+        CDXI.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.
+
+THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in
+rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of
+Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:--
+
+    Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,
+    I advise you to give him whatever he axes;
+    I advise you to give it without any flummery,
+    For though his name's _Winter_, his actions are _summary_.
+
+
+        CDXII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.)
+
+    THY speeches are immortal, O my friend,
+    For he that hears them--hears them to _no end_.
+
+
+        CDXIII.--A CONSIDERATE SON.
+
+A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired
+him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you
+wrong, for the _drier_ you are, the better you will burn."
+
+
+        CDXIV.--DANGEROUSLY WELL.
+
+LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady ----
+has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is
+_dangerously well_ again."
+
+
+        CDXV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)
+
+    LET none because of its abundant _locks_,
+    Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,
+    That dandy E--nb----h's "knowledge-box"
+    Has anything worth larceny within it.
+
+
+        CDXVI.--A NEW SCHOLAR.
+
+A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to
+procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a
+letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your
+selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise,
+by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr.
+Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more,
+be sure and send me their new works_."
+
+
+        CDXVII.--PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.
+
+JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named _Pilgrim_, who
+was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes,
+exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do;
+you have put a stop to _Pilgrim's Progress_!"
+
+
+        CDXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+      LIFE is a lottery where we find
+    That fortune plays full many a prank;
+      And when poor ---- got his mind,
+    'Twas fortune made him _draw a blank_.
+
+
+        CDXIX.--A SUDDEN CHANGE.
+
+ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was
+very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by
+the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had
+hopped a little farther, it would have _hopped into the water_."
+
+
+        CDXX.--VALUABLE DISCOVERY.
+
+A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned!
+"How--how--how?" we hear everybody asking. He _never_ run in debt.
+
+
+        CDXXI.--A USEFUL ALLY.
+
+"_Cracked_ China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for
+you, or else the deuce is in it!
+
+
+        CDXXII.--TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.
+
+CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he
+didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the
+better for what I am saying to you!"--"No, ma'am," he answered, "but
+this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at _one
+ear_ and went out at _the other_!"
+
+
+        CDXXIII.--WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.
+
+ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David
+Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir
+David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant
+human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of
+puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes,
+as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with
+serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He _sees_!"
+
+
+        CDXXIV.--RINGING THE CHANGES.
+
+        AT a tavern one night,
+        Messrs. _More_, _Strange_, and _Wright_
+    Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:
+        Says More, "Of us three,
+        The whole town will agree,
+    There is only one knave, and that's _Strange_."
+        "Yes," says Strange (rather sore),
+        "I'm sure there's one _More_,
+    A most terrible knave and a bite,
+        Who cheated his mother,
+        His sister and brother."--
+    "O yes," replied More, "that is _Wright_."
+
+
+        CDXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.
+
+A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver
+ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner
+for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't
+exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an _attorney_, he would have
+_stolen the bowl_ as well as the ladle."
+
+
+        CDXXVI.--A SMALL GLASS.
+
+THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing
+_Macbeth_, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the
+performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass,
+saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke;
+take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you,
+sir!"--"_Not if it was vitriol_!" was the rejoinder.
+
+
+        CDXXVII.--DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
+
+THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of
+meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven
+dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a _young_
+lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day.
+To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she
+had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:--
+
+                                            L  s. d.
+  At top, fish, two herrings                0  0  1
+  Middle, one ounce and a half of butter,
+  melted                                    0  0  0-3/4
+  Bottom, a mutton chop, divided            0  0  2
+  On one side, one pound of small potatoes  0  0  0-1/2
+  On the other side, pickled cabbage        0  0  0-1/2
+  First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs 0  0  1-1/2
+  Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a
+  pudding                                   0  0  0-1/2
+  Parsley for garnish                       0  0  0-1/4
+                                            ----------
+                                           L0  0  7
+
+--Seven dishes for sevenpence!
+
+
+        CDXXVIII.--AN EMPTY HEAD.
+
+OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he
+said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."
+
+
+        CDXXIX.--A BAD LABEL.
+
+TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote
+his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied
+it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly
+remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"--"Why?"
+said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the _eight_ of clubs
+and take it!"
+
+
+        CDXXX.--"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."
+
+A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was
+short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the
+player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his
+handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah!
+sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for _my own_."
+
+
+        CDXXXI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.
+
+ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if
+classed by moral distinctions.
+
+
+        CDXXXII.--A SILK GOWN.
+
+GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on
+getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk
+to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had
+been enveloped _in silk_, no spark of _patriotism_ had reached his
+heart.
+
+
+        CDXXXIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.
+
+EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it
+is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to
+be _plucked_ at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T.
+Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--
+
+    "I have heard they _plucked_ geese upon _Shelford_ Fen,
+    But never till now knew that _Shelford_ plucked men."
+
+
+        CDXXXIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.
+
+ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a
+glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a
+certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.
+
+"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass,
+"that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so
+good in it."
+
+
+        CDXXXV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.
+
+FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord
+Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote
+observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his
+lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much
+more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit,
+"why you should have given him a _dinner_ like this, and _poisoned
+him_."
+
+
+        CDXXXVI.--UNREASONABLE.
+
+"TOM," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a
+soldier as you get drunk so often?"--"Colonel," replied he, "how can you
+expect all the _virtues_ that adorn the human character for _sixpence_
+a-day?"
+
+
+        CDXXXVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.
+
+A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain
+concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I
+have bought your horse, what are his faults?"--"I know of no faults that
+he has, except two," replied the man; "and _one_ is, that he is hard to
+catch."--"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to
+catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"--"Ah, sir!
+that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when
+you _have_ caught him."
+
+
+        CDXXXVIII.--THE REASON WHY.
+
+A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late
+storm was, because there was a _heavy mortgage_ on it.
+
+
+        CDXXXIX.--BLOTTING IT OUT.
+
+MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his
+medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On
+discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I
+have given you ink."--"Never--never mind, my boy--never mind," said
+Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit--of _blotting-paper_."
+
+
+        CDXL.--CLERICAL WIT.
+
+AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel
+of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The _font_ is at the other
+end of the church."--"What do I want with the font?" said the old
+gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought
+you had brought _this child to be christened_."
+
+
+        CDXLI.--A NICE DISTINCTION.
+
+NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings
+with holes to having them darned:--"A hole," said he, "may be the
+_accident_ of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but _a darn_
+is premeditated poverty."
+
+
+        CDXLII.--WIT AND QUACKERY.
+
+A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in
+order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came
+there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry
+Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here _for want_?"--"No faith,
+sir," replied Andrew, "we have _enough_ of that at home."
+
+
+        CDXLIII.--WIT DEFINED.
+
+DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--
+
+    "A thousand different shapes wit wears,
+    Comely in thousand shapes appears;
+    'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,
+    Admired with laughter at a feast;
+    Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,--
+    The proofs of wit for ever must remain."
+
+
+        CDXLIV.--A VAIN SEARCH.
+
+SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he
+burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days;
+the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him,
+with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week,
+sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect
+his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with
+some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have
+known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find
+anything in it."
+
+
+        CDXLV.--A BAD CUSTOMER.
+
+"WE don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give
+you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for
+three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass
+swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I
+think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of
+'em _five or six_ for a penny anywhere else."
+
+
+        CDXLVI.--A REFLECTION.
+
+AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him
+he could plainly see a _rogue_ in his face. "I never knew till now,"
+said the witness, "that my _face_ was a _looking-glass_."
+
+
+        CDXLVII.--FOOTE.
+
+AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a
+foolish scrape about _the antiquity of family_ with another artist, who
+gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable
+time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of
+the argument; your family is not only _several thousand years old_, but
+at the same time _the most numerous_ of any on the face of the globe, on
+the authority of Shakespeare:--
+
+    "All the souls that are, were _Forfeit_ once."
+
+
+        CDXLVIII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
+    Verdict,--had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.[A]
+
+[A] Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.
+
+
+        CDXLIX.--A BASE ONE.
+
+A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a
+person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady
+to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a _base
+'un_," said Jerrold.
+
+
+        CDL.--PROFITABLE JUGGLING.
+
+A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which
+was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives"
+with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a
+little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily
+exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my
+bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler.
+"Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an
+ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it
+into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll _no turn't_ into a bawbee
+again."
+
+
+        CDLI.--PICKPOCKETING.
+
+THE Baron de Beranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the
+very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring
+whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor
+of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow,
+"your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings
+in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a _flat_."
+
+
+        CDLII.--DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.
+
+WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to
+finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the
+inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning
+privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a
+waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place,
+said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his
+usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman
+_like the knave of clubs_, tell him he is particularly wanted." The
+waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.
+
+
+        CDLIII.--AFFECTATION.
+
+    DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
+    Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.
+
+
+        CDLIV.--WARM FRIENDSHIPS.
+
+SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated
+for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.
+
+"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner
+takes them up than he puts them down again."
+
+
+        CDLV.--THEATRICAL MISTAKES.
+
+A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in
+the season of 1823, in the part of _Miss Stirling_, in "The Clandestine
+Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of _Betty_, who had locked the
+door of _Miss Fanny's_ room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said,
+"_She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket_."
+Mrs. Davenport, as _Mrs. Heidelberg_, had previously excited a hearty
+laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "_I protest there's a
+candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand_;" but the
+mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated,
+that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke
+with three rounds of applause.
+
+
+        CDLVI.--A BROKEN HEAD.
+
+"I AM the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a
+broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in
+Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a
+scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head
+was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders
+like a pair of epaulettes. _That_ was a broken head, if you please,
+sir."
+
+
+        CDLVII.--CALEDONIAN COMFORT.
+
+TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their
+quarters for the night at a _Highland hotel_ in Breadalbane: one of them
+next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent
+bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea
+vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the _bugs_, for
+de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"
+
+
+        CDLVIII.--AN ODD FAMILY.
+
+BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each
+other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be
+_hereditary_ in their family to have no children."
+
+
+        CDLIX.--A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.
+
+COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in
+company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of
+conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically
+observed, "If any man were to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and
+threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in
+defending my _coat_ I should too late find that I was deprived of my
+_waistcoat_ also."
+
+
+        CDLX.--BEN JONSON.
+
+WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of
+fish, but without drink, said:--
+
+    "In a dish came fish
+    From the arch-bis-
+    Hop was not there,
+    Because there was no _beer_."
+
+
+        CDLXI.--UNREMITTING KINDNESS.
+
+"CALL that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent
+acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a
+farthing! Call that kindness?"
+
+"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.
+
+
+        CDLXII.--KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.
+
+AT Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last
+scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is
+made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added,
+"and the Birmingham _audience_ into the bargain."
+
+
+        CDLXIII.--A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.
+
+A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public
+benefit, inasmuch as it _kills off_ all the foolish girls, and leaves
+the wise only to grow into women.
+
+
+        CDLXIV.--A MARK OF RESPECT.
+
+CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive
+disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter
+said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my
+head."--"I accept it," said Congreve; "for _trifles_ show respect."
+
+
+        CDLXV.--A GRETNA CUSTOMER.
+
+A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five
+guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the
+gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a
+guinea."--"True," said the smith, "but _he_ was an Irishman. I have
+married him six times. _He is a good customer_, and _you_ I may never
+see again."
+
+
+        CDLXVI.--LEAVING HIS VERDICT.
+
+"I REMEMBER," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York,
+and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are
+only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'--'Please you, my
+lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other
+business--but _he has left his verdict with me_!'"
+
+
+        CDLXVII.--OVER-WISE.
+
+IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one
+morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following
+passage:--
+
+    [Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.]
+
+To which he gave the proper sense,--
+
+    "I am not _over-wise_;"
+
+but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,--"_You_ are quite right,
+sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."
+
+
+        CDLXVIII.--IMPROMPTU.
+
+    'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true,
+    St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.
+
+
+        CDLXIX.--INDEPENDENCE.
+
+JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without
+shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very
+indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him,
+if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse
+me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand
+in _your shoes_ for all the world!"
+
+
+        CDLXX.--ON PRIDE.
+
+    FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
+      To steal a share of notoriety,
+    Will tell you in important words,
+      He _mixes_ in the best society.
+
+
+        CDLXXI.--BLACK LETTER.
+
+AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a
+black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the
+precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old
+books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very _indifferent
+spelling_."
+
+
+        CDLXXII.--A HIATUS.
+
+"DID you not on going down find a _party_ in your kitchen?" asked an
+underbred barrister of a witness. "A _tea-party_, Mr. ----?" mildly
+interposed Judge Maule.
+
+
+        CDLXXIII.--A REASONABLE REQUEST.
+
+AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only
+cost a few men."--"Will _you_ make one of the few?" remarked the
+general.
+
+
+        CDLXXIV.--A STRIKING POINT.
+
+WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract,
+Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the
+House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the _noes_
+(_nose_) will have it."
+
+
+        CDLXXV.--VERY PRETTY.
+
+ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress
+knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her
+beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful
+woman he had ever seen. "I thought so _yesterday_," he replied.
+
+
+        CDLXXVI.--AN ODD BIRD.
+
+A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several.
+He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The
+duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his
+surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord
+Thurlow's _laid an egg_."
+
+
+        CDLXXVII.--INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder;
+    Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
+    Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;
+    Verdict--Ennui--so little work to do.
+
+
+        CDLXXVIII.--"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."
+
+A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a
+"fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a
+steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to
+drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a
+tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute
+darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my
+fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second
+clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized
+him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler
+with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down
+through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by
+the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up
+to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax'
+demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too
+high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty
+dollars in my life, _and I've done the same thing often_.'"
+
+
+        CDLXXIX.--CONFIDENCE.
+
+"WHY," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always
+sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention
+to every stranger I invite?"--"Because, sir," was the reply, "when _you_
+preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust _a stranger_ without
+keeping a good look-out."
+
+
+        CDLXXX.--THE CUT INFERNAL.
+
+    SAID Wetherall the other night
+      Of ----: "He's the silliest elf
+    I ever _knew_." Sir Charles was right,
+      For no one ever _knows himself_.
+
+
+        CDLXXXI.--FEELING HIS WAY.
+
+"UNCLE," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him
+rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head _still_ on
+the sovereign?"--"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask
+that?"--"Because it is now such a length of time since _I saw one_."
+
+
+        CDLXXXII.--THE WILL.
+
+    JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
+    Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
+    "What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave
+    Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"
+    "That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,
+    Since he married, poor man, he'd _no will of his own_."
+
+
+        CDLXXXIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.
+
+TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their
+general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him
+was true. "General," said one of them, "_it is_; and we should have said
+much more if our _wine_ had not failed."
+
+
+        CDLXXXIV.--A NEW SPORT.
+
+QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why,
+gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with
+venison, and go a-_Quinning_, I should certainly bite; and what a sight
+should I be dangling in the air!"
+
+
+        CDLXXXV.--SYDNEY SMITH.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had
+been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations,
+and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this,"
+said Mr. Smith. "_Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente_," was the reply.
+"Pray, sir, do you _believe_ in a _cook_?" inquired Mr. Smith.
+
+
+        CDLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.
+
+    THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind,
+      Is surely nothing strange;
+    For no one yet could ever find
+      He'd any mind to change.
+
+
+        CDLXXXVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.
+
+"WHY don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F---- to a boy struggling
+with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will
+_hold_ my calf, I'll pull off my hat."
+
+
+        CDLXXXVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.
+
+JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant
+who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants,
+Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of _what_ religion does
+not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of
+Christianity." Severe.
+
+
+        CDLXXXIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.
+
+A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner
+tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating
+that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when
+the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco
+kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak'
+it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the
+ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting
+it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I
+think, mistress, _a cheese_ in the ither en' wad mak' _a gran'
+balance_." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John
+Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."
+
+
+        CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.
+
+A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of
+which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and,
+addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health,
+gentlemen all, of the _waiter_ that called my Lord ---- out of the
+room."
+
+
+        CDXCI.--CALCULATION.
+
+    SAYS Giles, "My wife and I are _two_,
+      Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
+    Quoth Jack, "You're _ten_, if I speak true;
+      She 's _one_ and you're a _cipher_."
+
+
+        CDXCII.--GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.
+
+WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards
+filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom
+to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being
+present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to
+the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of
+dese, give me the man wid de _dying speech_," meaning Mr. Adams, who was
+then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the
+report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.
+
+
+        CDXCIII.--SLEEPING ROUND.
+
+THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it,
+John?"--"Very wet, sir."--"Any mullet in the market?"--"No,
+sir."--"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he
+composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the _ennui_ of a dull day.
+
+
+        CDXCIV.--AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.
+
+"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that
+you think me a _humbug_?"--"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that
+you can _discover_ a man's thoughts by your touch."
+
+
+        CDXCV.--NOT SO EASY.
+
+A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was
+advised by the Court not to _show temper_, but to _show cause_.
+
+
+        CDXCVI.--A POINT.
+
+POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of
+literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found
+a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard
+their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the
+passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the
+young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the
+manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note
+of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the
+case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a _note of
+interrogation_?"--"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow,
+with a look of great contempt, "is a little _crooked thing_ that asks
+questions."
+
+
+        CDXCVII.--THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.
+
+ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth,"
+quoth the other, "because scholars are _so poor_ that they have _not a
+sovereign_ amongst them."
+
+
+        CDXCVIII.--CHALLENGING A JURY.
+
+AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant,
+was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom
+he objected, he might legally _challenge_ them. "Faith, and so I will,"
+replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will _challenge_ every man of
+them."
+
+
+        CDXCIX.--WALPOLIANA.
+
+WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father,
+they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"--"Well," replied the
+Bishop, "and what is that to you?"--"Nay, nothing; only if you had told
+me, I would have _powdered_ my hair."
+
+A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a
+little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his
+mouth was _very sore_.
+
+After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd,
+whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and
+was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the _cambric bill_;"
+which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not _ruffled_."
+
+
+        D.--MINDING HIS BUSINESS.
+
+MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning:
+"Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to
+attind to what I'm about; so whenever I _sleeps_, I pays _attintion_ to
+it."
+
+
+        DI.--PENCE TABLE.
+
+A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called
+after him, "Where are you going, sir?"--"I am going to buy a ha'porth of
+nails."--"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"--"For a
+_halfpenny_," replied the urchin.
+
+
+        DII.--SATISFACTION.
+
+LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The
+Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord
+William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a
+denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is
+to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"--"Oh! my Lord," said the
+person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me _you did
+not_ write the book."
+
+
+        DIII.--A SAFE APPEAL.
+
+A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any
+person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or
+neglect."--"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know,
+doctor, _dead_ men tell no tales."
+
+
+        DIV.--A CAUTIOUS LOVER.
+
+"WHEN I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and
+signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'"--D.J.
+
+
+        DV.--THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.
+
+A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him
+what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a
+bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it,
+saying, "There, I give you the _scabbard_ back again."
+
+
+        DVI.--TOUCHING.
+
+WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me
+his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like _a
+father_."--"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you
+like _a child_."
+
+
+        DVII.--THE COLLEGE BELL!
+
+AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each
+gentleman should toast his favorite _Belle_. When it came to the turn of
+Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the _quorum_) to be called on for
+the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave,
+"The College Bell!" _Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri_!
+
+
+        DVIII.--FRENCH LANGUAGE.
+
+WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to
+Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of
+a language which has but one word for _liking_ and _loving_, and puts a
+fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:--_J'aime Julie; J'aime un
+gigot_!"
+
+
+        DIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)
+
+    HE says he don't think of himself,
+      And I'm to believe him inclined;
+    For by the confession, the elf
+      Admits that he's _out_ of his _mind_.
+
+
+        DX.--CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.
+
+A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
+and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys
+were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard
+the bell, boys; why did you not come?"--"Please, sir," said the
+favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the
+school-bell was the steamboat-bell."--"Very well," said the master, glad
+of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the
+other, "what have you to say?"--"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy,
+"_I--I--was waiting to see Tom off_!"
+
+
+        DXI.--ANTICIPATION.
+
+LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to
+anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through
+the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a
+calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ----" "O, my
+goodness!--he killed _the child_!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord,
+_the calf_; but you will always anticipate."
+
+
+        DXII.--THE BEST JUDGE.
+
+A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--
+
+"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."--"No, I think not,"
+replied the husband.
+
+"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them
+ought to know."
+
+
+        DXIII.--THE RIVALS.
+
+A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs.
+The _dramatis personae_ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian,
+and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals
+in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of
+her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him,
+"_Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la
+guerirai_." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle,
+I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and
+looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "_Quand milady Elizabeth
+Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai_." [When my
+Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]
+
+
+        DXIV.--DEAD LANGUAGE.
+
+AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who
+had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a
+hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, _feu Lord
+Maire de Londres_," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having
+translated the word "late" into "_feu_," which we need hardly state
+means "dead."
+
+
+        DXV.--WALPOLIANA.
+
+SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy
+to Sir Matthew Decker, as the _author_ of St. Matthew's Gospel.
+
+Churchill (General C----, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked
+Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me,
+too?"--"No, Charles," replied he, "_you break_ fast enough of yourself!"
+Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?
+
+Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity,
+Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything
+in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his
+collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his
+company; that he never heard so much _heathenish talk_ in his days.
+Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said
+before him, _that the soul was only a little glue_.
+
+
+        DXVI.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.
+
+A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be
+let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next
+Sunday."--"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the
+archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ----, what became of you? we expected
+you to preach to-day."--"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my
+preaching to-day."--"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you
+_from_ preaching."
+
+
+        DXVII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)
+
+    THEY say his _wit's refined_! Thus is explained
+    The seeming mystery--_his wit is strained_.
+
+
+        DXVIII.--A NICE DISTINCTION.
+
+"WHAT is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman
+he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems
+nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers
+were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a _form_,
+but you stand upon _ceremony_."
+
+
+        DXIX.--LATE DINNER.
+
+SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and
+later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till
+_to-morrow_."
+
+
+        DXX.--AN OLD JOKE.
+
+    AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
+    Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
+    Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver--
+    "You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."
+    "Alas!" cried the Fair on his left--"to what use?
+    For you never saw _either served up_ with a goose!"
+
+
+        DXXI.--TIME WORKS WONDERS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far
+between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long
+time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman,
+"Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"--"Yes,
+sir."--"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how _you have grown_!"
+
+
+        DXXII.--A NOVEL IDEA.
+
+"MORROW'S Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a
+popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the
+piety of certain ladies here. They go to _Day_ for a sermon and to
+_Morrow_ for a novel!"
+
+
+        DXXIII.--THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.
+
+A MAN was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the pleader referred
+in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said
+that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said
+that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well
+as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for
+the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a
+name by describing it as "an initial."--"Yes," retorted the judge, "but
+it does not aver that it is not a _final_ as well as an _initial_
+letter."
+
+
+        DXXIV.--LOSING AN I.
+
+A MAN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much
+impropriety; and at last saying the word _curosity_, a counsellor
+exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"--"Nay,"
+returned another, "he has only knocked an _I_ out."
+
+
+        DXXV.--DRIVING IT HOME.
+
+THE late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable
+man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still
+repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in
+truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a
+habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his
+clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case
+to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed,
+and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't
+_into_ me, and ye're just duntin't _out o' me_."
+
+
+        DXXVI.--THE EMPTY GUN.
+
+    AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
+    And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
+    "Don't _cock_ your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.
+    "Fear not--his head's not _charged_," a friend replies.
+
+
+        DXXVII.--A PIECE OF PLATE.
+
+A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening
+called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect:
+"Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased
+me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your
+acceptance of a small _piece of plate_." It was, beyond all question, a
+_very_ small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!
+
+
+        DXXVIII.--EPISCOPAL SAUCE.
+
+AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host,
+"Mr. ----!" There was silence. "Mr. ----, what is the proper female
+companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an
+answer came, "_Anne Chovy_."
+
+
+        DXXIX.--A GOOD CRITIC.
+
+A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so
+much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have
+a master very difficult to please?"--"Who?"--"_Myself_."
+
+
+        DXXX.--WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.
+
+WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked
+him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn
+was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied,
+with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of
+mine; the fellow was a _Wilkite_, which your Majesty knows _I never
+was_."
+
+
+        DXXXI.--A SLIGHT ERUPTION.
+
+A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My
+lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"--"What has happened,
+man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken
+out."--"Where? where?"--"In the _Isle of Man_."--"In the Isle of Man,"
+repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"
+
+
+        DXXXII.--SMOKING AN M.P.
+
+AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on _tobacco_, somewhat
+ludicrously called for certain _returns_.
+
+
+        DXXXIII.--A TIMELY REPROOF.
+
+A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord
+Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of
+to-day I never heard before."--"O, my lord!" said the flattered
+chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said
+anything new on the subject."--"I heard the clock _strike twice_," said
+Lord Mulgrave.
+
+
+        DXXXIV.--REPROOF.
+
+"I CAN'T find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor
+I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to _work_ for it."
+
+
+        DXXXV.--A SATISFACTORY REASON.
+
+MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of
+Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards
+Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony.
+"You are a builder, I believe?"--"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an
+architect!"--"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they
+are much the same, I suppose?"--"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit
+that: I consider them to be totally different!"--"O, indeed! perhaps you
+will state wherein this great difference consists?"--"An architect, sir,
+prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the
+specifications,--in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the
+bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,--the
+architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it
+going!"--"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your
+very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform
+the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"--"There was
+_no_ architect, sir, and hence _the confusion_!"
+
+
+        DXXXVI.--THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.
+
+    A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage,
+      In a long _tete-a-tete_ with his dame,
+    While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,
+      About giving their villa a name.
+    A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,
+      Stole out, half an hour after dark,
+    Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,
+      And wrote on the palings,--"_Hide_ Park!"
+
+
+        DXXXVII.--AN ABSENT MAN.
+
+A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not
+being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O,
+my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not
+_missed_."
+
+
+        DXXXVIII.--A DOUBLE KNOCK.
+
+ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in
+some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish
+government will not be able to stand many more such _Knocks Down_ as
+this!"
+
+
+        DXXXIX.--A PROPER RETORT.
+
+A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to
+Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool
+as he looks."--"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great
+_difference_ between me and my friend."
+
+
+        DXL.--FORAGING.
+
+DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers
+were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it
+was said to be part of the stage directions,--"_Enter_ the Red Coat:
+_Exeunt_ Hat and Cloak."
+
+
+        DXLI.--ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.
+
+    AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,
+    He happened to tread on a very small pig:
+    "Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,
+    For surely thou art an _abridgment of Bacon_."
+
+
+        DXLII.--UNKIND.
+
+"PRAY, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age
+I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her
+ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question
+again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of _discretion_."
+
+
+        DXLIII.--DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.
+
+THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of
+Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, _Non rapui sed
+recepi_ ["I did not _steal_ it, but I _received_ it"]. This being shown
+to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The _receiver_ is as
+bad as the _thief_."
+
+
+        DXLIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).
+
+    IF really ---- do but loathe
+      Things base or mean, I must confess
+    I'd very freely take my oath,
+      Self-love's a fault he don't possess.
+
+
+        DXLV.--ELOQUENT SILENCE.
+
+"YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ----," said Maule to
+a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ----, I use no _epithet_, it is
+iteration;" his look implying _the anathema_.
+
+
+        DXLVI.--KEEPING A PROMISE.
+
+    THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:
+    "Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;
+    I know thy fortune is but very scant,
+    But never will I see my friend in want."
+    Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;
+    He kept his word,--in want he ne'er would see him!
+
+
+        DXLVII.--NAVAL ORATORY.
+
+WHEN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the
+ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men
+signed _a round robin_, wherein they declared that they would not fire a
+gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this
+declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed
+them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as
+to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside
+the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil
+himself will not be able to _keep you from it_." The men all returned to
+their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten
+times over.
+
+
+        DXLVIII.--VERSE AND WORSE.
+
+AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles,
+it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him
+that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing.
+Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At
+length the _wittiest_ among them thus ended the contest:--
+
+    "Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
+    Excuse me, if I just step home;
+    Two lines already!--be not cru'l,
+    Consider, honeys,--I'm a fool.
+    There's four lines!--now I'll gain the fowls,
+    With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."
+
+
+        DXLIX.--THE IRON DUKE.
+
+IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at
+Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to
+receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a
+_sovereign_, which he probably would have done had he at the time
+refused to take _no change_. The Reform Bill was under consideration.
+
+
+        DL.--CLEAR THE COURT.
+
+AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so
+by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye _blackguards_ that isn't
+_lawyers_, must lave the coort."
+
+
+        DLI--SCOTCH CAUTION.
+
+AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who
+was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I
+hae been a gude wife to you, John."--"O, just middling, just middling,
+Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye
+maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my
+mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke
+o' Glasgow."--"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly,
+"we'll just pit you in the Gorbals _first_, and gin ye dinna lie quiet,
+we'll try you sine in Stra'von."
+
+
+        DLII.--WALPOLIANA.
+
+SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days,
+he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no
+other nation would stand _beating_ for two days together."
+
+Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when
+Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his
+usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost;
+he asked whether the copy had been taken _before_ the original was lost,
+or _after_!
+
+This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves
+so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an
+_oyster_ speak as well twenty times."
+
+
+        DLIII.--NOT POLITE.
+
+MR. P----, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want
+of _head_, by demanding a _poll_.
+
+
+        DLIV.--EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.
+
+A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a
+great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that
+he was _drunk_ when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord
+Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such a thing when he was
+drunk, what might he not have done when he was _sober_?" evidently
+implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful
+one, was a condition of intoxication.
+
+
+        DLV.--ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.
+
+    THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life,
+    The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.
+
+
+        DLVI.--CONFIDENCE.
+
+THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to
+him:--
+
+"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"
+
+_Jerrold._--"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."
+
+
+        DLVII.--LADY ANNE.
+
+AT Portsmouth, during the representation of _Richard the Third_, on
+Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here,"
+Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they
+were _battle-axes_ (basilisks) to strike _thee dead_."
+
+
+        DLVIII.--NICE LANGUAGE.
+
+A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had
+been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the
+witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing
+_bowels_?"--"Yes, sir."--"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"--"Yes,
+sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it _a wren's_
+stomach?"
+
+
+        DLIX.--UNPOETICAL REPLY.
+
+A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our
+coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over
+him. He replied, "_Wet_, ma'am,--_very wet_."
+
+
+        DLX.--IMITATION OF A COW.
+
+MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a
+youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr.
+Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal
+cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was
+complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to
+imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious
+for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would
+confine myself to _the cow_."
+
+
+        DLXI.--TAKING HIS MEASURE.
+
+A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in
+order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his
+southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big
+places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude
+wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"--"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for
+we aye think the _selvidge_ is the wakest bit o' the wab!"
+
+
+        DLXII.--THURLOW AND PITT.
+
+WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly
+terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how
+Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he
+_draws_, but he has not refused _his oats_ yet."
+
+
+        DLXIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to
+excessive gout.)
+
+    IN asserting that Z. is with villany rife,
+      I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;
+    Since _two_ members _attached to his person through life_,
+      Have, on recent occasions, _refused to support him_.
+
+
+        DLXIV.--A HAPPY MAN.
+
+LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once
+made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish
+thing, I always burst out a laughing!"--"I envy you your happiness, my
+lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the
+_merriest_ life of any man in Europe."
+
+
+        DLXV.--VULGAR ARGUMENTS.
+
+AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a
+friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing
+noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the
+Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table,
+and roared at his adversary:--
+
+"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"
+
+The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere
+lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:--
+
+"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"
+
+Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung
+the bell, and shouted:--
+
+"Waiter, _spittoons for two_!"
+
+
+        DLXVI.--A CLEAR CASE.
+
+MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries.
+_Ex. gr._ "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly
+right in his law, there is _some_ evidence upon that point; but he's a
+lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by _some_
+evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of
+exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six
+others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others
+knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the
+other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the
+defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he
+rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be _some_
+evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. ---- means in this case."
+Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?
+
+
+        DLXVII.--THE LATIN FOR COLD.
+
+A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was
+the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment,
+although I have it at my _fingers' ends_."
+
+
+        DLXVIII.--PIECE DE RESISTANCE.
+
+"DO come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have
+only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."--"O my dear
+fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very
+same I should have had at home, _barrin' the beef_."
+
+
+        DLXIX.--LAMB AND ERSKINE.
+
+COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his
+reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his
+pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when
+opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt
+himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."--"No wonder,"
+replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a _lamb_
+grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."
+
+
+        DLXX.--TRUE WIT.
+
+    TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone
+      Dug from Golconda's mine;
+    Which boasts two various powers in one,
+      To cut as well as shine.
+    Genius, like that, if polished right,
+      With the same gifts abounds;
+    Appears at once both keen and bright,
+      And sparkles while it wounds.
+
+
+        DLXXI.--ORDER! ORDER!
+
+A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule
+interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some
+order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any
+order you like--_alphabetical_ order."
+
+
+        DLXXII.--THEATRICAL WIT.
+
+HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and
+particularly in the part of _Jack Junk_, was one night at Gosport,
+performing the character of _Barbarossa_. In the scene where the tyrant
+makes love to _Zapphira_, and reminds her of his services against the
+enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word
+from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and
+regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy
+of tragedy--
+
+                                    "Did not I,
+    By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,
+    And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,
+    Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders
+    From Egypt's shores?"
+
+The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the
+actor with three rounds of applause.
+
+
+        DLXXIII.--THE CUT DIRECT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator
+"how he would have it done?"--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "_in
+silence_."
+
+
+        DLXXIV.--BUSY BODIES.
+
+A MASTER of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will,
+sir."--"What are you doing?"--"Nothing, sir."--"Is Tom there?"--"Yes,"
+said Tom. "What are _you_ doing?"--"Helping Will, sir."
+
+
+        DLXXV.--THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.
+
+WHEN the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith
+took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several
+parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to
+hear the representative of _Young Marlow_ play it as an Irishman. As
+soon as _Marlow_ came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of
+this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir,"
+replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in
+which you instructed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong
+a _brogue_."
+
+
+        DLXXVI.--THE FORCE OF HABIT.
+
+A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W.
+Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How
+will you have it?" replied, "_Cold, without sugar_."
+
+
+        DLXXVII.--NOTICE TO QUIT.
+
+AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed
+time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out
+to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on
+the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"
+
+Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound.
+"Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift _their
+quarters_."
+
+
+        DLXXVIII.--A LITERAL JOKE.
+
+LORD ELDON always pronounced the word _lien_ as though it were _lyon_;
+and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word _lean_. On this Jekyll
+wrote the following epigram:--
+
+    "Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,
+    By saying the Chancellor's _lion_ is _lean_?
+    D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,
+    That nothing within it will ever get fat?"
+
+
+        DLXXIX.--AN ARGUMENT.
+
+    SAYS P--l--s, "Why the Bishops are
+    By nature meant the _soil_ to share,
+      I'll quickly make you understand;
+    For can we not deduct with ease,
+    That nature has designed the _seas_
+      Expressly to _divide the land_?"
+
+
+        DLXXX.--THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.
+
+DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the
+University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some
+difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his
+opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had
+previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend
+into the patient's stomach with a _candle and lantern_, when he ascended
+he would not be able to name the complaint."
+
+
+        DLXXXI.--ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.
+
+KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very
+dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying,
+"Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go
+near to cost him his life."--"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French
+king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen
+Frenchmen now in my power."--"But of all these heads," replied the
+nobleman, "there may not be _one to fit_ my shoulders."
+
+
+        DLXXXII.--KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.
+
+THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to
+articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at
+this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two
+universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which
+was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself,
+saying, "He could not _afford_ to keep a conscience."
+
+
+        DLXXXIII.--DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.
+
+A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last
+desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to
+him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard
+for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall
+never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business,
+and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a
+set of vagabonds, for whom _I have no affection_, and they may waste
+their time as they please."
+
+
+        DLXXXIV.--PORTMANTEAU _v._ TRUNK.
+
+SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an
+eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and
+the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm.
+"Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At
+first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting
+that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it
+_did every bit_ as well."
+
+
+        DLXXXV.--SEEING A CORONATION.
+
+A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated
+Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst
+he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of
+Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly
+pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner,
+indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this
+_tete-a-tete_ the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen
+everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I
+do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so
+greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he
+eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless
+duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till
+the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression
+replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have
+_your wish_." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.
+
+
+        DLXXXVI.--HOOK'S POLITENESS.
+
+HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin
+in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one
+else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the epergne, and bow
+to the flowers."
+
+
+        DLXXXVII.--ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR
+ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.
+
+    UPON its lofty column's stand
+      Napoleon takes his place:
+    His back still turned upon that land
+      That never saw his face.
+
+
+        DLXXXVIII.--OLD TIMES.
+
+A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He
+wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile,
+replied, "Look among _the robberies_."
+
+
+        DLXXXIX.--AN ARCADIAN.
+
+A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this
+was called _work_, and well paid!"
+
+
+        DXC.--JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.
+
+IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain
+for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great
+politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank,
+his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see,
+madam, wherever _you_ go there are _no seats_ to be got."
+
+
+        DXCI.--ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.
+
+"WE row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold.
+This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only.
+Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we _do_ row in the same boat,
+but with very different skulls."
+
+
+        DXCII.--A GENUINE IRISH BULL.
+
+SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the
+greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much
+greater."
+
+
+        DXCIII.--THE RULING PASSION.
+
+IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an
+appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called
+in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket,
+doctor?" groaned out poor George.
+
+
+        DXCIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)
+
+    LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day,
+      Which is to me a mystery profound;
+    He leaves the _circuit_! he, of whom they say,
+      That he delights in constant _turning round_.
+
+
+        DXCV.--SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.
+
+DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met
+them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those
+men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's
+comedy, _Measure for Measure_!"
+
+
+        DXCVI.--DEGENERACY.
+
+THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord
+Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up
+stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at
+their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were
+walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants
+were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare
+cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their
+_ain feet_."
+
+
+        DXCVII.--WORTHY OF CREDIT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The
+gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."--"Please your
+honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the _credit_ I give in that way."
+
+
+        DXCVIII.--PAYING IN KIND.
+
+A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the
+prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After
+he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed,
+as I have some like them in my yard."--"That's very likely," said the
+farmer; "these are not the _only ducks_ of the same sort I've had stolen
+lately."
+
+
+        DXCIX.--VERY SERIOUS.
+
+A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at
+being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling,
+neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by
+mistake, taken some of my OWN PILLS."
+
+
+        DC.--THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.
+
+MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of
+money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he
+immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's
+house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters,
+"Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip
+Thicknesse, _father_ of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and
+the board was removed.
+
+
+        DCI.--DELICATE HINT.
+
+QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters,
+says, "_My better half_, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I
+hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."
+
+
+        DCII.--A SCOTCH MEDIUM.
+
+AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister
+sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been
+'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."--"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy,
+with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown
+eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a
+smell o' speerits _amang us_ this mornin'!"
+
+
+        DCIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime;
+    Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
+    The watch kept time; and if time will away,
+    I see no reason why the watch should stay.
+    You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;
+    Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.
+    Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
+    Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.
+
+
+        DCIV.--PERFECT DISCONTENT.
+
+AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy
+depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang
+it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she
+wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."
+
+
+        DCV.--A BAD BARGAIN.
+
+A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be
+in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding
+payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I
+should be _in your debt_ for the _remainder_; how can that be if I _pay_
+it?"
+
+
+        DCVI.--A PIOUS MINISTER.
+
+IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example
+to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of one of the
+commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the
+Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do
+_no manner of work_.
+
+
+        DCVII.--STERNE.
+
+SOME person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to
+physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne;
+"but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not
+deal in _scruples_."
+
+
+        DCVIII.--WHO'S THE FOOL?
+
+MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in illustration of a case, told the following
+anecdote:--
+
+Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale
+several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he,
+moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for
+him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make
+out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his
+Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied,
+"Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who
+will never come back."--"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"--"Then
+I shall erase _your_ name and insert _theirs_."
+
+
+        DCIX.--COLD COMFORT.
+
+A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the
+judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O,
+tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go
+before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."
+
+
+        DCX.--A GREAT DIFFERENCE.
+
+"THE friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided
+into two very distinct classes,--the a-bility and the no-bility."
+
+
+        DCXI.--OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.
+
+KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the
+other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called _Ignoramus_, an ingenious
+thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford
+was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made
+his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one _Sleep_ made him
+_wake_, and in Oxford one _Wake_ made him _sleep_.
+
+
+        DCXII.--INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    GREAT Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,
+    And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
+    A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
+    "She died of _milk and water on the brain_."
+
+
+        DCXIII.--STRANGE JETSUM.
+
+A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of
+small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of
+such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he
+supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking
+voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was _wrecked_ hereabout
+somewhere."
+
+
+        DCXIV.--THE TRUTH AT LAST.
+
+A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival
+paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at
+Wit."
+
+
+        DCXV.--A PILL GRATIS.
+
+A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance,
+said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."--"Very likely," remarked
+his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to _employ you_ in that
+capacity?"
+
+
+        DCXVI.--RATHER HARD.
+
+WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large
+mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have
+found it _hard_ to have been assailed with his _own constituents_.
+
+
+        DCXVII.--SCOTCH PENETRATION.
+
+AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great
+Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by
+the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the
+authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my
+_ain_ groats in ither folk's kail?"
+
+
+        DCXVIII.--A QUESTION OF TIME.
+
+WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he
+was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present
+employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will _excuse_ me this
+_fault_, I promise, if I live, to mend it."
+
+
+        DCXIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)
+
+    ---- ----'S discourses from his _heart_
+      Proceed, as everybody owns;
+    And thus they prove the poet's art,
+      Who says that "sermons are in _stones_."
+
+
+        DCXX.--CONCURRENT EVENTS.
+
+A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that
+he had _lost_ all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time,
+sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I _lost_ all my large estate in
+Yorkshire."
+
+
+        DCXXI.--A GOOD EXCUSE.
+
+AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally
+in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had
+taken _all_ the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.
+
+
+        DCXXII.--SHORT AND SHARP.
+
+"WHY, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company
+with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not
+see you before."
+
+"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among
+six copper pennies,--not easily perceived, but worth the _whole_ of
+them."
+
+
+        DCXXIII.--IRELAND'S FORGERY.
+
+    SAYS Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"
+    Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The _Lie of the Day_!"
+    "Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we _act the same_;
+    But to cozen the town we adopt a _new name_;
+    For that _Vortigern's_ Shakespeare's we some of us say,
+    Which you very well know is a _lie_ of the day."
+
+
+        DCXXIV.--A GOOD ONE.
+
+LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's
+early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and
+Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he
+paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"--"I
+_never_ heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.
+
+
+        DCXXV.--"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."
+
+A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to _ignore_ a bill.
+"Write _Ignoramus for self and fellows_ on the back of it," said Curran.
+
+
+        DCXXVI.--A WORD TO THE WISE.
+
+DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an
+excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All
+wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr.
+Wharton, then at Winchester school:--
+
+    If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,
+    That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.
+
+
+        DCXXVII.--LIBERAL GIFT.
+
+A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had
+met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards
+he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he
+returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me
+something?"--"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I _give_
+you the _hint_?"
+
+
+        DCXXVIII.--EASILY ANSWERED.
+
+A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox
+twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.
+
+
+        DCXXIX.--ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.
+
+    WHEN Dido mourned, AEneas would not come,
+    She wept in silence, and was _Di-Do-Dumb_.
+
+
+        DCXXX.--DODGING A CREDITOR.
+
+A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of
+Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose
+his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said
+Sheridan. "Do you think so?"--"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The
+creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted
+round the corner, and was _out of sight_ in a moment.
+
+
+        DCXXXI.--BAD HABIT.
+
+SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never
+effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or
+suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a
+moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion _literatim_. Sir
+Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding
+the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for
+extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the
+disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that
+the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the
+Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting
+behind him, jocularly whispered, "_and be whipped at the cart's
+tail_."--"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick
+unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.
+
+
+        DCXXXII.--WHO'S TO BLAME.
+
+KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in
+a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who
+was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir,
+whose _fault_ is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.
+
+
+        DCXXXIII.--THE LETTER H.
+
+SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness
+whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be
+bothered a little, and his only vulnerable point was said to be his
+self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,--a portly,
+overdressed person,--and Scarlett took him in hand.
+
+_Q._ Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?
+
+_A._ Yes.
+
+_Q._ You are a stock-broker?
+
+_A._ I _ham_!
+
+Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And
+a very fine, well-dressed _ham_ you are, sir?"
+
+The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the
+witness, and the counsel's point was gained.
+
+
+        DCXXXIV.--TRUTH AND RHYME.
+
+IN the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to
+respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the
+bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow
+(who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton)
+had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the
+bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said
+to Barrow,--
+
+"_Quid est fides_?" (What is faith?)
+
+"_Quod non vides_" (What thou dost not see),
+
+answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little
+vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,--
+
+"_Quid est spes_?" (What is hope?)
+
+"_Magna res_" (A great thing),
+
+replied the young candidate in the same breath.
+
+"_Quid est charitas_?" (What is charity?)
+
+was the next question.
+
+"_Magna raritas_" (A great rarity),
+
+was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a
+precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the
+bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give
+rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he
+believed his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow,
+Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of
+the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he
+is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to _examine us than
+we him_." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.
+
+
+        DCXXXV.--A GOOD TRANSLATION.
+
+    "PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:
+    Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."
+
+Thus translated--
+
+    "There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain:
+    Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."
+
+
+        DCXXXVI.--MAD QUAKERS.
+
+A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of
+greater importance than any _other_ mad person of the same degree in
+life.
+
+
+        DCXXXVII.--BACON.
+
+A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to
+him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a _reprieve_.
+To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be
+_Bacon_ till he had first been _hung_."
+
+
+        DCXXXVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.
+
+    SAID vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,
+    Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."
+    Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,
+    For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."
+
+
+        DCXXXIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.
+
+JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to
+see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the
+shutters before there is something in the window."
+
+
+        DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.
+
+JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his
+acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l.,
+as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe,
+"here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak
+to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they
+might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe
+went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His
+lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My
+lord, here are two men who have such great _scruples of conscience_,
+that I fear they'll hang themselves."--"Very well," said the bishop; so,
+calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow
+morning, and _I will satisfy you_." The men bowed, and went away
+pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt
+and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his
+lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of
+conscience?"--"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have _no scruples_. We
+are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines,
+for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us
+to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed
+were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.
+
+
+        DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.
+
+SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it
+was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should
+not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no _periods_ to
+their works."
+
+
+        DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.
+
+LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax,
+in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he
+stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said,
+"Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not
+let me linger; I see you have _not faggots enough_." This good-humored
+speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.
+
+
+        DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.
+
+THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of
+the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced
+to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.
+
+
+        DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.
+
+PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a
+loss for _something_ to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass
+mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another,
+without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he
+inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only _a-liquid_!"
+answered Porson.
+
+
+        DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.
+
+THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table
+between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street,
+Strand, where he resided:--
+
+    _J.S._--"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,
+                  And ten dark coal barges are moored:
+                  Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
+                  For there's _craft_ in the river, and _craft_ in the
+                      street."
+
+    _Sir G.R._--"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,
+                       From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?
+                     For the attorneys are _just_ at the top of the street,
+                       And the barges are _just_ at the bottom."
+
+
+        DCXLVI.--A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.
+
+JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In
+the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's
+foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send
+the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied,
+"and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,--'When
+this you see, remember me.'"
+
+
+        DCXLVII.--A NEW DISGUISE.
+
+THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On
+a masquerade night, he asked Foote what _new_ character he should go in.
+"Go sober!" said Foote.
+
+
+        DCXLVIII.--WET AND DRY.
+
+DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been
+caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the
+time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and
+ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm
+dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr.
+Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be _dry
+eneuch_ when ye get into the _pu'pit_."
+
+
+        DCXLIX.--RUM AND WATER.
+
+A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society,
+being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly
+answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond
+of rum; for if I tak' mair than _six_ tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me
+a headache."
+
+
+        DCL.--A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.
+
+PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all
+nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if
+by common consent, is the following:--
+
+_Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an Irish
+Member of Parliament, to his friend in London._
+
+MY DEAR SIR,--
+
+Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the
+dreadful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood-thirsty
+rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are
+in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except
+whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both
+hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a
+pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be
+the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At
+present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I
+should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive
+it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being
+robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from
+Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left
+behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but
+two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last
+Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under
+the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except
+bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and
+children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little;
+we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face,
+but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed,
+we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns,
+except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets
+and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them
+escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a
+very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms
+were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to
+rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found
+was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water,
+and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops
+are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my
+ideas.
+
+I have only time to add that I am in great haste.
+
+  Yours truly,
+  ---- ----.
+
+P.S.--If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried,
+therefore I beg you will write to let me know.
+
+
+        DCLI.--IMPROMPTU.
+
+(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall
+of Sparta.")
+
+    SO great thy art, that while we viewed,
+      Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,
+    We caught the Spartan fortitude,
+      And saw their woes without _a tear_!
+
+
+        DCLII.--WILKES AND A LIBERTY.
+
+SO ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of
+the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a
+mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his
+boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door,
+"Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.
+
+
+        DCLIII.--A STRANGE OBJECTION.
+
+A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert.
+"Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my _wine in
+pills_!"
+
+
+        DCLIV.--THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.
+
+IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant,
+doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon
+us!--D.J.
+
+
+        DCLV.--MAKING A CLEARANCE.
+
+AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the _bowl_ to be
+introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a
+toast, "The trade of Glasgow and _the outward bound_;" the hint was
+taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.
+
+
+        DCLVI.--A SMART ONE-POUNDER.
+
+WHILE the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre,
+in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of _Polly_, expressed a
+wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher;
+to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must
+sing, 'The Miser thus a _Guinea_ sees.'"
+
+
+        DCLVII.--RESIGNATION.
+
+AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he
+came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command
+success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it," heaved a deep
+sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more,
+Sempronius,--we'll do _without_ it."
+
+
+        DCLVIII.--DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.
+
+DELPINI had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the
+Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre
+in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his
+Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre
+Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre
+Delpini, I must go to your _papa's_ bench."
+
+
+        DCLIX.--A PHONETIC JOKE.
+
+A LITTLE girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c.,
+having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical
+acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating
+him to _Zeidlitz_ powders.
+
+
+        DCLX.--PURE FOLKS.
+
+VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty
+bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.
+
+
+        DCLXI.--GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.
+
+WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the
+following piece of intelligence: "_Yarn_ has risen one farthing a
+pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.--G. a'B.
+
+
+        DCLXII.--JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.
+
+WESTMACOTT, of the _Age_ paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well
+thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice
+done him, a person present remarked, "That has been done _already_." A
+similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.
+
+
+        DCLXIII.--KITCHENER AND COLMAN.
+
+THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivants_ of the day graced the
+dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, _inter alia_, the late
+George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a
+little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to
+be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be
+forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom
+permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at
+eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's
+attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment,
+"Come at seven, _go it_ at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret
+was punished accordingly.
+
+
+        DCLXIV.--A SPARE MAN.
+
+JERROLD said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without
+the head or the point."
+
+
+        DCLXV.--A LONG BILL.
+
+WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when
+Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the
+comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It
+should have been Woodcock, _by the length of your bill_!"
+
+
+        DCLXVI.--ROYAL PUN.
+
+WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit,
+his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to
+William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and
+affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the
+newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at _the main_, Admiral!
+white at _the main_!"
+
+
+        DCLXVII.--A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.
+
+TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore
+Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as
+to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating
+upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said
+Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as
+like as _two peas_."--"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as _green_."
+
+
+        DCLXVIII.--SPRANGER BARRY.
+
+THIS celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of
+_Romeo_, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome
+and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he
+attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his
+part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of
+the public by performing _Romeo_ himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the
+natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have
+willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been
+a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when _Juliet_ in
+soliloquy exclaims, "_O Romeo, Romeo_, wherefore art thou _Romeo_?" an
+auditor archly replied, aloud, "_Because Barry has gone to the other
+house_."
+
+
+        DCLXIX.--BAD SPORT.
+
+MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house
+with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from
+bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed
+two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you _Fox_
+hunting, or _Hare_ hunting this morning?"
+
+
+        DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
+
+THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog
+shall mix _equal_ quantities of spirits and water, though she never
+observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a
+glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it _As
+you like it_?"--"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is _Measure for
+Measure_."
+
+
+        DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.
+
+JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they
+came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state
+now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the
+idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see
+_that_, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just
+mentioned; "and now where would _you_ be if the gallows had its
+due?"--"Riding _alone_," coolly replied Paddy.
+
+
+        DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.
+
+SEVERAL publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to
+renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one
+of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any
+pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately
+replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into
+our barrels that I know of, but the _exciseman's stick_."
+
+
+        DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRAETEREA NIHIL.
+
+    "I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"
+        Said a punster perusing a trial;
+    "I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
+        He's been _Vaux et praeterea nihil_."
+
+
+        DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.
+
+A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight
+people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb
+remarked that they must have been very _sharp set_.
+
+
+        DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.
+
+DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two
+heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the
+publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor,
+are you not a justice of the peace?"--"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said
+Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the _house of correction_."
+
+
+        DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.
+
+    AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,
+    Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,
+    In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus,
+    Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us;
+    Yet to show a celestial to kindness so prone is,
+    Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."
+    Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!
+    If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll _starve me_!"
+
+
+        DCLXXVII.--A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.
+
+A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any
+book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when
+speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it
+poured forth _volumes_ of smoke! _Volumes_, did I say? Whole
+_encyclopaedias_!" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two
+_mandami_.
+
+
+        DCLXXVIII.--A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.
+
+DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question
+of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted
+upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do
+you remember my Baroness in _Ask no Questions_?" said Mr. S. "Yes,
+indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck
+by your _barrenness_," was the retort.
+
+
+        DCLXXIX.--LOVE AND HYMEN.
+
+HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.
+
+
+        DCLXXX.--PAR NOBILE FRATRUM.
+
+A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He
+had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his
+silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one
+occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament
+called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request with much
+eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles,
+without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked
+across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy
+chiel'll no _tell muckle_ that you and I _said_ till him."
+
+
+        DCLXXXI.--PLAIN LANGUAGE.
+
+MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened
+to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;"
+upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr.
+Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain
+_common sense_, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll
+ken."
+
+
+        DCLXXXII.--A SETTLER.
+
+A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death
+with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he
+put a poser--"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"--"Why that, sir,"
+stammered out Lamb, "will _depend_ upon the boiled legs of mutton."
+
+
+        DCLXXXIII.--CASH PAYMENTS.
+
+PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he
+made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said,
+"Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson
+good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it
+be as like _two shillings_ as you can."
+
+
+        DCLXXXIV.--LAWYER'S HOUSE.
+
+    THE lawyer's house, if I have rightly read,
+    Is built upon the fool or madman's head.
+
+
+        DCLXXXV.--A REASONABLE DEMAND.
+
+COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the
+playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into
+it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him,
+"B----, I go by your door, and will set you down." B---- gave the
+chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head,
+and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you
+scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"--"But consider the fright
+your honor put us into," replied Pat,--"_consider the fright_!"
+
+
+        DCLXXXVI.--EBENEZER ADAMS.
+
+THIS celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six
+months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with
+black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great
+solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So
+friend, I see that thou hast not yet _forgiven_ God Almighty." This
+seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was
+addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and
+went about her necessary business and avocations.
+
+
+        DCLXXXVII.--ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.
+
+A YOUNG fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she,
+"thee must not do it."--"O, _by Jove!_ but I must," said the youth.
+"Well, friend, as thee hast _sworn_, thee may do it, but thee must not
+make a practice of it."
+
+
+        DCLXXXVIII.--A FIG FOR THE GROCER!
+
+WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St.
+Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man,
+addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at
+this momentous epoch of your life."--"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I
+want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to
+be off!"
+
+
+        DCLXXXIX.--STEAM-BOAT RACING.
+
+SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following
+advice from a friend: "When you are racing with an opposition
+steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the
+captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his
+weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time,
+especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the
+resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid
+their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons
+without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why
+to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat,
+and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have
+not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the
+rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard
+during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger
+overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives
+an answer in the affirmative, he will call out '_Go ahead_!'"
+
+
+        DCXC.--GENTLY, JEMMY.
+
+SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The
+horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate
+him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let
+me down, Jemmy." Once on _terra-firma_, the doctor's view of the case
+was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better
+of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave
+you to manage him--_I'll walk back_."
+
+
+        DCXCI.--WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?
+
+LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one
+noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said
+the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'_Worth_
+makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_.'"
+
+
+        DCXCII.--QUIET THEFT.
+
+A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that
+nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a
+_mute_.
+
+
+        DCXCIII.--GOOD ADVICE.
+
+A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college)
+being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a
+broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?"
+After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the
+owner _to sell_ as soon as possible."
+
+
+        DCXCIV.--CRITICISING A STATUE.
+
+SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its
+verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the
+smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster
+Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is
+colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so
+_large_ a man."--"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so _green_."
+
+
+        DCXCV.--A COMPARISON.
+
+DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had
+been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive
+evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:--
+
+"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"--"I saw a stone, and I'ze
+pretty sure the defendant throwed it."
+
+"Was it a large stone?"--"I should say it wur a largish stone."
+
+"What was its size?"--"I should say a sizeable stone."
+
+"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"--"I should say it wur a
+stone of some bigness."
+
+"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"--"Why, as near as I
+recollect, it wur something of a stone."
+
+"Can't you compare it to some other object?"--"Why, if I wur to compare
+it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large
+as a lump o' chalk!"
+
+
+        DCXCVI.--FATIGUE DUTY.
+
+A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another
+that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other,
+"I preach twice every Sunday, and _make nothing_ of it."
+
+
+        DCXCVII.--GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.
+
+STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the
+Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose,
+Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which
+of us two do you think they will eat first?"--"Those that are
+_gluttons_," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of _me_,
+but the _epicures_ will attack you!"
+
+
+        DCXCVIII.--A BAD END.
+
+IT was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been
+drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own _watery
+bier_."
+
+
+        DCXCIX.--ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS),
+        WHICH SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."
+
+    THIS name's the best that could be given,
+      As will by proof be quickly seen;
+    For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"
+      She was, of course, the _raining Queen_.
+
+
+        DCC.--ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.
+
+IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive
+picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear
+friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do
+not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase
+at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this
+matter is evident--they never considered the temper of the people they
+had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an
+avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young
+rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I
+pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and therefore my
+administration has been attended with a different effect."
+
+"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty
+of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one
+night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand,
+and _up starts_ a patriot."
+
+
+        DCCI.--BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."
+
+WHEN Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was
+so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so
+much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to
+get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and
+for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and
+accost him with "Have you read my book?"--"Yes, ---- you!" replied Lord
+Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not _help myself_."
+
+
+        DCCII.--VERY LIKE A WHALE.
+
+    THE first of all the royal infant males
+    Should take the title of the Prince of _Wales_;
+    Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,
+    Babies and _whales_ are both inclined to _blubber_.
+
+
+        DCCIII.--A NEW SIGN.
+
+A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign
+was. He answered, that it was _a sign_ he was drunk.
+
+
+        DCCIV.--FALSE QUANTITIES.
+
+A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the
+outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.
+
+
+        DCCV.--NOT TRUE.
+
+A LADY was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr.
+----, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well,"
+replied the lady, "if he is very much _unlike_ other men, he is more
+likely to make a good husband."
+
+
+        DCCVI.--BETTING.
+
+THE folly of _betting_ is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters:
+"Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at
+White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the
+club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they
+were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said
+it would affect the fairness of the bet."
+
+
+        DCCVII.--FIRE AND WATER.
+
+PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own
+part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of
+attempting to light a cigar at _a pump_."
+
+
+        DCCVIII.--THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.
+
+    THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector,
+      Passes near your parish spire;
+    Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture
+      E'er will overwhelmed expire.
+    Put not then your hopes in weepers,
+      Solid work my road secures;
+    Preach whate'er you will--_my_ sleepers
+      Never will awaken _yours_.
+
+These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the
+_last ever written_ by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented
+author,--James Smith.
+
+
+        DCCIX.--THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.
+
+COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an
+admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus
+impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a
+philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the
+dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener
+no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed,
+"_Them's the jockeys for me_!"
+
+
+        DCCX.--EQUALITY.
+
+A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same
+time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for
+a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the
+highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I _won't_ keep
+off; I have as much _right_ to be here as you!"
+
+
+        DCCXI.--A CANDID COUNSEL.
+
+AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned,
+replied, "I am _concerned_ for the plaintiff, but I'm _retained_ by the
+defendant."
+
+
+        DCCXII.--TRADE AGAINST LAND.
+
+WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke
+of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would
+spend L50,000 rather than he should _come in_. Whitbread, with true
+English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would
+pay for that.
+
+
+        DCCXIII.--TRUE EVIDENCE.
+
+A JEW called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the opposing
+counsel thus examined him: "What is your name?"--"Jacob."--"What are
+you?"--"General dealer."--"Do you keep a shop?"--"No."--"How then do you
+dispose of your goods?"--"To the _best advantage_, my good fellow."
+
+
+        DCCXIV.--DR. YOUNG.
+
+DR. YOUNG was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two
+ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to
+acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go,
+one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him
+to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, laid
+his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:--
+
+    "Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven,
+    And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.
+    Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;
+    Like him I go, for angels drove us both.
+    Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind;
+    His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."
+
+
+        DCCXV.--A YANKEE YARN.
+
+MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being
+intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and
+marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the
+five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady,
+she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately
+jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again,
+she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so
+wet?"--"Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, and married him.
+
+
+        DCCXVI.--SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.
+
+THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their
+ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they
+could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who
+heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly
+hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they
+were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been
+laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his parishioners with whom
+he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received
+for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld
+sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld
+sermon, for the minister had preached it no' _sax months_ syne."
+
+
+        DCCXVII.--LOVE OF THE SEA.
+
+LOVE the sea? I dote upon it,--from the beach.--D.J.
+
+
+        DCCXVIII.--UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.
+
+A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a
+chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. "Do you
+know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are
+better fed than taught, I think, sir."--"Whew, may be it is so, measter,
+for you _teaches_ me, but I _feeds_ myself."
+
+
+        DCCXIX.--COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.
+
+AN American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest
+in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family
+plate,--_the fetters and handcuffs_!
+
+
+        DCCXX.--A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.
+
+A POOR youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the
+price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the
+toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to
+jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be
+_capped_? Are they not _fellows_?"
+
+
+        DCCXXI.--A MEDICAL OPINION.
+
+AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the
+disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of
+physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was
+necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation,
+which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son.
+"O, father, father, do not let them _tap_ you," screamed the boy, in an
+agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"--"Why, my
+dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall
+live long in health to make you happy."--"No, father, no, you will not:
+there never was anything _tapped_ in our house that lasted longer than a
+week."
+
+
+        DCCXXII.--THE CAUSE.
+
+    LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles--
+      What secret care consumes her youth,
+    And circumscribes her smiles?
+      _A speck on a front tooth._
+
+
+        DCCXXIII.--WHAT'S GOING ON?
+
+A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met
+his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what
+is going on to-day?"
+
+Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"
+
+
+        DCCXXIV.--SNORING.
+
+A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he
+received the following polite note: "Deacon ---- is requested not to
+commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in
+the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the _text_."
+
+
+        DCCXXV.--TWO MAKE A PAIR.
+
+SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III.,
+the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse:
+"Here is to be seen the _fork_ belonging to the _knife_ with which
+Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."
+
+
+        DCCXXVI.--ALMANAC-MAKERS.
+
+TWO women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a
+witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an _almanac-maker_; for
+thou liest every day and all the year long."
+
+
+        DCCXXVII.--A BLACK JOKE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of
+colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men
+with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"--"_Black as ever_," was the reply.
+
+
+        DCCXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    "HE that will never look upon an ass,
+    Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."
+
+
+        DCCXXIX.--EXAGGERATION.
+
+A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can
+discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."--"I don't
+see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it _running_."
+
+
+        DCCXXX.--WINNING A LOSS.
+
+A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn
+full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money,
+made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in
+the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat
+the company."--"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a
+sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the
+swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and _treat_ the
+company."
+
+
+        DCCXXXI.--ADVICE GRATIS.
+
+ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant
+Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of _law_ than of
+_fact_, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not
+quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, _for nothing_, what you
+would not give him under _two guineas_."
+
+
+        DCCXXXII.--SHORT COMMONS.
+
+AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice:
+"Wanted, _two_ apprentices, who will be treated as _one_ of the family."
+
+
+        CCXXXIII.--LICENSED TO KILL.
+
+WHEN an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick,
+Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him
+for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every
+day, and why may not I?"--"Because," replied the satirist, "_you are not
+qualified to kill game, and I am_."
+
+
+        CXXXIV.--WILKES AND LIBERTY.
+
+WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him
+thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his
+abuse of the Royal family among you?"--"I do not at present know,"
+replied he, dryly, "but I _am trying_."
+
+
+        DCCXXXV.--A PAT REPLY.
+
+LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the
+permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord
+Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his
+talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said
+Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the _Rolls_, I care nothing for your
+_butter_."
+
+
+        DCCXXXVI.--LORD NORTH ASLEEP.
+
+HIS Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues
+of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything
+remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker
+entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark,
+he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to
+build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering
+premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived.
+Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir
+Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a _century or two_ more?"
+
+
+        DCCXXXVII.--RATHER SAUCY.
+
+"YOU had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed
+gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.
+
+"I asked for what I thought you had _the most_ of," was the cutting
+reply.
+
+
+        DCCXXXVIII.--LONG STORY.
+
+A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied
+to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had begun to describe its progress
+from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into
+the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how
+long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty
+minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to
+_finish_ by the time he _returned_.
+
+
+        DCCXXXIX.--EUCLID REFUTED.
+
+(A part is not equal to the whole.--Axiom.)
+
+    THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove,
+      Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;
+    'Tis plain _one sixteenth part_ of Brougham's sense,
+      Equals the _whole_ possessed by L--d--d--y.
+
+
+        DCCXL.--BRED ON THE BOARDS.
+
+WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion,
+had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of
+strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's
+V----, he was bred on these boards!"--"He looks as though he'd been cut
+out of them," replied Jerrold.
+
+
+        DCCXLI.--ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.
+
+    NO wonder the debate fell dead
+    'Neath such a constant fire of lead.
+
+
+        DCCXLII.--PAINTING.
+
+A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his
+performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you
+want nothing but _poverty_ to become a very excellent painter."
+
+
+        DCCXLIII.--OLD AGE.
+
+A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then
+intervals of gayety: some person observed, "_he resembles an old castle
+which is sometimes visited by spirits_."
+
+
+        DCCXLIV.--AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.
+
+"WOULD you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to
+study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."--"His _memory_ is evidently
+not so good as yours," replied B.
+
+
+        DCCXLV.--A READY RECKONER.
+
+A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was
+accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he
+declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank
+off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when
+demand of payment was made for the whiskey.
+
+"Sure, and haven't I _given_ ye the loaf for the whiskey?"
+
+"Well, but you did not _pay_ for the loaf, you know."
+
+"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I _didn't take_ the loaf, man
+alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a
+brown study.
+
+
+        DCCXLVI.--A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.
+
+MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had
+frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham,
+and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, _Brough-am_.
+
+"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the
+carriage a _Bro'am_, it will save the time of the court," said Lord
+Campbell, with a smile.
+
+Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordship's pronunciation of the word
+during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum
+up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the
+Bro'am, and in doing so pronounced the word also, according to its
+orthography. "I beg your Lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very
+respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for
+such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss--" The loud laughter which ensued,
+and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the
+sentence.
+
+
+        DCCXLVII.--TRUE POLITENESS.
+
+SIR W.G., when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro
+who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to
+salute a slave?"--"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a
+man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."
+
+
+        DCCXLVIII.--A RAKE'S ECONOMY.
+
+    WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends,
+      My savings are complete;
+    I light the candle at both ends,
+      And thus make both ends meet.
+
+
+        DCCXLIX.--EASILY SATISFIED.
+
+A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a
+violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in _earnest_.
+"Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned
+away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such _jests_."
+
+
+        DCCL.--PERT.
+
+MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the
+former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very
+merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin.
+"No, sir," said Foote, "pray, _do you_?"
+
+
+        DCCLI.--A ROYAL MUFF.
+
+THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William
+IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on
+the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a
+butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.--'Nice
+pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.--'Pretty fair,' was my
+reply.--'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to
+Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's
+boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed, with
+a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a _muff_!'"
+
+
+        DCCLII.--A BROAD HINT.
+
+AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion--the case
+being outrageously preposterous--replied, in answer to the question,
+"Would an action lie?"--"Yes, if the witnesses would _lie_ too, but not
+otherwise."
+
+
+        DCCLIII.--A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he
+is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste,
+eh?"
+
+"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"
+
+
+        DCCLIV.--"THE LAST WAR."
+
+MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which
+preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it
+"the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He
+took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was
+interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,--the last war but
+one."--"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising
+his sonorous voice,--"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish
+_to remember_." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an
+universal cheering, long and loud.
+
+
+        DCCLV.--THE PHILANTHROPIST.
+
+JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was
+called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself
+so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to
+get rid of the reputation."
+
+
+        DCCLVI.--TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.
+
+ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles
+constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal
+to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the
+barbarous condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said
+a native, "but if the quality of it be rather _infairior_, we give _good
+measure_ of it, anyhow."
+
+
+        DCCLVII--BAD COMPANY.
+
+AT the time that the bubble schemes were _flourishing_, in 1825, Mr.
+Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of
+those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to
+partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be
+defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he,
+"you will have nothing but _bubble and squeak_ in a short time."
+
+
+        DCCLVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the King's double dealing.)
+
+    OF such a paradox as this,
+    Before I never dreamt;
+    The King of England has become,
+    A _subject_ of contempt!!!
+
+
+        DCCLIX.--PAINTING.
+
+A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the
+lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that
+painting I think myself _deaf_."
+
+
+        DCCLX.--NIL NISI, ETC.
+
+A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it
+very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house,
+"don't you like the beer?"--"It is not to be found fault with," answered
+the other; "for one should never speak ill of the _dead_."
+
+
+        DCCLXI.--ODD FORESIGHT.
+
+LADY MARGARET HERBERT asked somebody for a _pretty_ pattern for a
+nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a
+nightcap?"--"O! child," said she, "you know, in _case of fire_!"
+
+
+        DCCLXII.--"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.
+
+A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been
+known to shed a tear except when _Macheath_, in the "Beggar's Opera,"
+got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung
+beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."--"If you try it, my lord,"
+replied Curran, "it's sure _to be hung_."
+
+
+        DCCLXIII.--GENERAL WOLFE.
+
+GENERAL WOLFE invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he
+was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he
+to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed,
+he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said
+_General_ Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude,
+"we never say _General_ Alexander, or _General_ Caesar." Wolfe, who was
+within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the
+pleasure he felt at the high compliment.
+
+
+        DCCLXIV.--A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.
+
+    AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,
+    Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,
+    "I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver;
+    "Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."
+    Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears:
+    As a bridge it can only be tried by _its piers_."
+
+
+        DCCLXV.--A NOISE FOR NOTHING.
+
+WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining
+with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the
+fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as
+caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the
+accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the
+plates?"--"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"--"Not one!" exclaimed
+Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise _for
+nothing_!"
+
+
+        DCCLXVI.--SHORT MEASURE.
+
+SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag
+wrote underneath, "_Two-thirds_ of the truth."
+
+
+        DCCLXVII.--DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very
+drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your _wine-cellar_ into your
+_book-seller_."
+
+
+        DCCLXVIII.--A DILEMMA.
+
+WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners
+sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now,
+beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly,
+those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too
+loud, I shall _wake_ the chief man in the parish."
+
+
+        DCCLXIX.--HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.
+
+    A BROW austere, a circumspective eye,
+    A frequent shrug of the _os humeri_,
+    A nod significant, a stately gait,
+    A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,
+    A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,--
+    Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:
+    Then rest assured that those of little sense
+    Will deem you, sure, _a man of consequence_.
+
+
+        DCCLXX.--A CHEAP WATCH.
+
+A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to
+him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The
+watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing
+than its original cost."--"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will
+even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on
+the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you _two_."
+
+
+        DCCLXXI.--SCOTCH WUT.
+
+A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it,
+and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."--"Did ye," said John;
+"wull ye haud my horse, sir?"--"Certainly," said the laird, and away
+rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back,
+nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna
+find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad
+ha' wondered if ye had, for it's _ten years_ sin' I saw him gang in
+there."
+
+
+        DCCLXXII.--ATTENDING TO A WISH.
+
+"I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage
+manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying _as little_ as I
+can!" was the calm reply.
+
+
+        DCCLXXIII.--A MECHANICAL SURGEON.
+
+A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was
+nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a
+ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off
+his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately
+called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no
+surgeon,--_a carpenter! a carpenter_!"
+
+
+        DCCLXXIV.--CANINE POETRY.
+
+A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:--
+
+    "This collar don't belong to you, sir,
+    Pass on--or you may have one too, sir."
+
+The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon
+whose collar was inscribed:--
+
+    "I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"
+
+
+        DCCLXXV.--FOOTIANA.
+
+FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to
+the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at
+_Cork_. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many _drawings_ of
+it."
+
+
+        DCCLXXVI.--NIGHT AND MORNING.
+
+AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a
+very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family
+were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over
+in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat
+anything during _the night_!"
+
+
+        DCCLXXVII.--FULL INSIDE.
+
+CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his
+seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in
+and politely asked, "All full inside?"--"I don't know how it may be,
+sir, with the _other_ passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece
+of oyster-pie did the business for _me_."
+
+
+        DCCLXXVIII.--A SHORT JOURNEY.
+
+AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to
+the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a
+mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation,
+exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this
+before; what shall we do?"--"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't
+expect to _go out_ of this town."
+
+
+        DCCLXXIX.--A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.
+
+DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a
+horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who,
+as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there
+(while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of
+remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again _address me_, Sir W----, I
+shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him,
+and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly
+too.
+
+
+        DCCLXXX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean,
+      "What reason can be given,
+    Since marriage is a holy thing,
+      That there are none in Heaven?"
+
+    "There are no women," he replied.
+      She quick returns the jest,--
+    "Women there are, but I'm afraid
+      They cannot find a priest."
+
+
+        DCCLXXXI.--AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.
+
+WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who
+accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to
+throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of _hostility_ to
+the Church Establishment?"
+
+
+        DCCLXXXII.--VALUE OF APPLAUSE.
+
+SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors,
+as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us
+_breath_."
+
+
+        DCCLXXXIII.--LITTLE TO GIVE.
+
+A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in
+company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own
+way."--"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's _all_ I have to
+_give them_."
+
+
+        DCCLXXXIV.--A GOOD SWIMMER.
+
+A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at
+swimming, vowed that he would never _enter_ the water again until he was
+a complete master of the art.
+
+[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]
+
+
+        DCCLXXXV.--NO PRIDE.
+
+A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being
+elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at
+last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office
+were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited
+outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was
+unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the
+armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his
+friends, lifting up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, _supposing_
+I'm a deacon, mind, I can be _spoken_ to at ony time."
+
+
+        DCCLXXXVI.--LORD CLONMEL.
+
+THE late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a
+shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a
+_good one_. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he
+used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon
+by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as
+shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. _Is
+this a good shilling?_ Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this
+your name and handwriting?"
+
+
+        DCCLXXXVII.--QUEER PARTNERS.
+
+JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a
+young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live!
+there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.
+
+
+        DCCLXXXVIII.--CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.
+
+CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be
+corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all
+turned thieves."--"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."--"Mivert!"
+exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."--"Therefore _he
+cannot be corrupted_, your majesty," answered Sidney.
+
+
+        DCCLXXXIX.--EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.
+
+    ST. PAUL has declared that, when persons, though twain,
+    Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.
+    But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing,
+    Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring,
+    St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone,
+    And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."
+
+
+        DCCXC.--GOOD AUTHORITY.
+
+HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a
+partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr.
+Tooke, you will have all the _blackguards_ with you to-day."--"I am
+delighted to hear it, sir, and from such _good_ authority."
+
+
+        DCCXCI.--LUXURIOUS SMOKING.
+
+"THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young
+Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted
+pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked
+it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the
+proper _taste_ restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of
+its wants.'"
+
+
+        DCCXCII.--NO JUDGE.
+
+A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a
+particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to
+reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere
+_toss-up_." "But _heads_ seldom win," observed a learned barrister,
+sitting behind him.
+
+
+        DCCXCIII.--RELATIONS OF MANKIND.
+
+BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected
+together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support
+by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a
+shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.--S.S.
+
+
+        DCCXCIV.--VERY TRUE.
+
+SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law
+an "_ars bablativa_."
+
+
+        DCCXCV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)
+
+    THE Whigs, because they rat and change
+      To Toryism, all must spurn;
+    Yet in the fact there's nothing strange,
+      That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.
+
+
+        DCCXCVI.--DRINKING ALONE.
+
+THE author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his
+arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have
+apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round
+_so_ often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being
+asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without
+assistance?" answered, "No--not quite that--I had the _assistance_ of a
+bottle of Madeira."
+
+
+        DCCXCVII.--A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.
+
+THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was
+reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very
+often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally
+employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the _spoils_ into the
+_sound-holes_ of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a
+quantity of gunpowder into B----'s instrument. The tea equipage being
+removed, music became the order of the evening, and B---- dashed away at
+Vanhall's 47th. B---- came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed,
+and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place--_fit fragor_, and
+bang went the fiddle to pieces.
+
+
+        DCCXCVIII.--READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.
+
+WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying
+down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on
+the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:--
+
+"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads
+together, and there is the wood pavement."
+
+This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.
+
+
+        DCCXCIX.--PROPER DISTINCTION.
+
+AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain
+D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many
+minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in
+no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which
+the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient
+haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he
+was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ----. "That,"
+replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. ---- is a
+_gentleman_, and you are a _blackguard_!"
+
+
+        DCCC.--GRACEFUL EXCUSE.
+
+WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with
+several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that
+marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a
+colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our
+branch of the service?"--"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden
+thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has _done its duty_ once, and
+is ready to do it again."
+
+
+        DCCCI.--SLACK PAYMENT.
+
+EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked,
+"Did he not give you the coals, friend?"--"He did, sir, but--"--"But
+what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment _slack_?"
+
+
+        DCCCII.--WAY OF USING BOOKS.
+
+STERNE used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to
+serve them as some people do lords, learn their _titles_ and then _brag_
+of their acquaintance."
+
+
+        DCCCIII.--PATRICK HENRY.
+
+WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the
+American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp
+Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed,
+when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Caesar had his
+Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George III...."--"Treason!" cried
+the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It
+was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry
+faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and
+fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "_may profit
+by their example_. If this be treason, make the most of it."
+
+
+        DCCCIV.--ROGERS--POET AND SKIPPER.
+
+ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new
+publications must often do as the flea does--_skip_.
+
+
+        DCCCV.--OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.
+
+"IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the
+English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just
+to celebrate the event."
+
+
+        DCCCVI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    WHEN by a jury one is tried,
+    Twelve of _his equals_ are implied;
+    Then W---- might attempt in vain,
+    This sacred privilege to obtain.
+    Since human nature ne'er on earth
+    Gave to _twelve equal_ scoundrels birth.
+
+
+        DCCCVII.--REFORMATION.
+
+JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said
+to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the
+Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said
+he, "what are you ruminating on?"--"A greater work than your lordship's
+History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said
+the Bishop. "The _reformation of myself_, my lord," answered the son.
+
+
+        DCCCVIII.--THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.
+
+LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old
+heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is
+admirable.
+
+Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not
+being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father
+had been a footman: _Here lies the last who died before the first of his
+family!_ Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore,
+who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur,
+I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"
+
+The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander
+the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once
+formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the
+clan must have come!
+
+
+        DCCCIX.--EQUAL TO NOTHING.
+
+ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had
+little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're _equal to
+it_!"
+
+
+        DCCCX.--FAMILIARITY.
+
+A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late
+Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as
+follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to
+the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after
+noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said,
+"Sam, this may be very well between _you and me_, but it will not do
+with the Norfolks and Arundels."
+
+
+        DCCCXI.--EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.
+
+AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages
+against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a
+compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle
+the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
+learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear.
+"I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's
+no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little _warm ale_!"
+
+
+        DCCCXII.--MAC READY TO CALL.
+
+IN the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his
+staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of
+the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house _Almack's_, "For,"
+said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call _Mac_, you
+will have a head popped out of every window."
+
+
+        DCCCXIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)
+
+    OF miracles this is _sans doute_ the most rare,
+    I ever perceived, heard reported, or read;
+    A man with abundance of _scents_ in his _hair_,
+    Without the least atom of _sense_ in his _head_.
+
+
+        DCCCXIV.--LOOK-A-HEAD.
+
+A TORY member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the
+hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing
+elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the
+_state of the poll_.
+
+                                                                 G. A'B.
+
+
+        DCCCXV.--THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.
+
+JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a
+prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.
+
+
+        DCCCXVI.--SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.
+
+TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies,
+inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it
+was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was
+delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a
+personage."--"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"--"Yes:
+she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in _your_
+celebrated '_Almanac_' for the last five or six years!"
+
+
+        DCCCXVII.--BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+MRS. FOOTE, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune
+nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between
+them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."--Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."
+
+
+        DCCCXVIII.--MAN-TRAPS.
+
+IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit
+upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning
+of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every
+day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length
+and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in
+very large letters, the following: "_Tondapamubomenos set up in these
+grounds_." It was perfectly a "patent safety."
+
+
+        DCCCXIX.--A COLORABLE EXCUSE.
+
+A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I
+can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you _uncover_ your face."
+
+
+        DCCCXX.--CONSISTENCY.
+
+    NO wonder Tory landlords flout
+      "Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain
+    With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
+      Must go against the grain.
+
+
+        DCCCXXI.--A WONDERFUL CURE.
+
+DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having
+quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to
+admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that
+Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of
+tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be
+from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he
+had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "_broke_ his leg, and applied to me
+for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with
+the celebrated _tar-water_. Almost immediately the sailor felt the
+beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg
+was completely _healed_!" The letter was read, and discussed at the
+meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of
+opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the
+restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country
+practitioner:--"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of
+the sailor was a _wooden leg_!"
+
+
+        DCCCXXII.--AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.
+
+"IS there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person
+who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know
+what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very
+well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to _take away all
+that_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXIII.--CHOICE SPIRITS.
+
+AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish
+papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale _which
+was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin_.
+
+
+        DCCCXXIV.--AN EXPLANATION.
+
+YOUNG, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of
+Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through
+which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field
+was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said
+Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field _to bury_ strangers
+in."
+
+
+        DCCCXXV.--IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.
+
+LORD ERSKINE having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and
+Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail,
+Sheridan at once presented her these lines,--
+
+    Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail,
+    Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"
+    And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,
+    Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.
+    But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,
+    A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;
+    And should dirt its original purity hide,
+    'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.
+
+
+        DCCCXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.
+
+A LEARNED judge being asked the difference between law and equity
+courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you
+are not so easily disposed of. One is _prussic acid_, and the other
+_laudanum_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXVII.--IMPROMPTU.
+
+COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BUSHE, being on one occasion asked
+which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The
+_prompter_, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least _of him_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXVIII.--NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.
+
+"WERE I but a _king_," said a country boy, "I would _eat_ my fill of fat
+bacon, and _swing_ upon a gate all day long."
+
+
+        DCCCXXIX.--A FORGETFUL MAN.
+
+    WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.
+      Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;
+    No wonder that he don't remember _me_;
+      Why so? you see he has forgot _himself_.
+
+
+        DCCCXXX.--REPUTATION.
+
+REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.
+
+
+        DCCCXXXI.--AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.
+
+IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss
+Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't _master_ her, so he _missed_
+her."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THE jolly members of a toping club
+    Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;
+    And in a close confederacy link
+    For nothing else, but only to hold drink.
+
+
+        DCCCXXXIII.--A BAD LOT.
+
+THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased,
+was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another
+that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty,
+considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was
+the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few _causes_, and therefore
+could not have many _effects_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXIV.--FILIAL AFFECTION.
+
+TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the
+pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the
+door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call _her a thief_ before she
+calls you one."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXV.--LEG WIT.
+
+ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was
+stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up,
+Erskine?"--"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"--"_His legs_,"
+answered the wit.
+
+
+        DCCCXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.
+
+    "THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,
+      Although he was hearty last night;
+    'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,
+      The poor fellow died of affright."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXVII.--A SINECURE.
+
+ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a
+place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him,
+were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of
+the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a
+_sinecure_ is: it's a place where there's _nothing to do_, and they _pay
+you by the piece_."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXVIII.--A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.
+
+BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never
+hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be
+to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called
+upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates
+of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the
+Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he
+had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his
+assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to
+the man, for I understand he preached _a kirk toom_ (empty) already, and
+if he be as successful _in the jail_, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as
+weel."
+
+
+        DCCCXXXIX.--WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?
+
+THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts,
+and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of,
+"Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"--"Sir," replied the
+prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some
+beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will
+he _return_ do you think?"--"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly
+satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."--"_Then let business
+proceed_," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.
+
+
+        DCCCXL.--KNOWING BEST.
+
+"I WISH, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were
+St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me
+in."--"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better
+for you that I had the keys of the _other_ place, for then I could let
+_you out_."
+
+
+        DCCCXLI.--AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.
+
+THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy
+what was meant in the Catechism by _succoring_ his father and mother.
+"_Giving on 'em milk_," was the prompt reply.
+
+
+        DCCCXLII.--PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.
+
+IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was
+summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from
+the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost
+_nonchalance_ he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly
+observed, "that it was the _dirtiest_ house he had ever been in in his
+life."
+
+
+        DCCCXLIII.--A STOP WATCH.
+
+A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with
+great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of
+a friend who had _introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every
+Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality_.
+
+
+        DCCCXLIV.--SIR ANTHONY MALONE.
+
+LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his
+fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some
+years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his
+profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no
+person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that
+had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied
+to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no
+less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention
+of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself,
+that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive
+examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which
+he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year.
+Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to
+purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his
+principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript
+was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with
+it, which was regularly _charged to him by the clerk_. Sir Anthony then
+went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and
+never after that was possessed of a bad title.
+
+
+        DCCCXLV.--THE ORATORS.
+
+    TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;
+    Is there a day that asses do not speak?
+
+
+        DCCCXLVI.--MODERN ACTING.
+
+JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky
+voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,
+
+_Jerrold._--"Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey!"
+
+
+        DCCCXLVII.--FEW FRIENDS.
+
+A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at
+Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom
+he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going
+round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's
+hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck _one_ tin-penny out of your
+coach, and I'll answer it will trait _all your friends_ in Athlone."
+
+
+        DCCCXLVIII.--DIFFIDENCE.
+
+AN Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he
+was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have _heard
+the evidence_?"
+
+
+        DCCCXLIX.--"ESSAY ON MAN."
+
+    AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild;
+      At thirty, tame, if ever;
+    At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
+      At sixty, good, or never!
+
+
+        DCCCL.--IN-DOOR RELIEF.
+
+A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping
+but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O
+no, I belong to _another_ parish."
+
+
+        DCCCLI.--HIGHLAND POLITENESS.
+
+SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two
+proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met
+the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed
+between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch."
+To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."
+
+
+        DCCCLII.--AN ODD QUESTION.
+
+COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of
+whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to
+him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where _you buy_
+all your _dirty_ shirts."
+
+
+        DCCCLIII.--NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.
+
+FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B----, when, the weather
+being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in
+the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his
+chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B---- pressed him to stay. "No,
+no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me _have a
+leg to stand on_; for there is so _little wood_ in your house, that I am
+afraid one of your servants may light the fire with _my right leg_,"
+which was his wooden one.
+
+
+        DCCCLIV.--NATURAL GRIEF.
+
+ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so
+much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed
+tears."--"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without _paying_."
+
+
+        DCCCLV.--A PROVERB REVERSED.
+
+    EXAMPLE is better than precept they say,
+    With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;
+    For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches,
+    We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.
+
+
+        DCCCLVI.--A CLOSE ESCAPE.
+
+ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The
+Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course
+of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious
+circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war,
+along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were
+summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the
+conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death,
+as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his
+regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots,
+without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then
+bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put
+into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed,
+"I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in
+my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And
+what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"--"Why, I remember
+saying to him, when they left us, '_D---- it, old fellow, never mind_!'"
+But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from
+the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose,
+and the Captain was permitted to escape.
+
+
+        DCCCLVII.--A HARD HIT.
+
+MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I
+have _lost_ an eye."--"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray _at what
+game_?"
+
+
+        DCCCLVIII.--THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.
+
+SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he
+saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you
+mention his spit?" said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing _turns upon
+that_." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was
+Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and _Passion_ week in the
+parlor."
+
+
+        DCCCLIX.--MONEY'S WORTH.
+
+A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by
+writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it
+to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the
+bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the
+author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to _sell my life as dearly
+as possible_."
+
+
+        DCCCLX.--HIS WAY--OUT.
+
+SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in
+his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely
+rude, "Sir, _it is my way_."--"Then," returned his indignant patient,
+pointing to the door, "I beg you will _make that your way_!"
+
+
+        DCCCLXI.--A GROWL.
+
+    HE that's married once may be
+    Pardoned his infirmity.
+    He that marries twice is mad:
+    But, if you can find a fool
+    Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,--
+    Flog him, flog him back to school.
+
+
+        DCCCLXII.--A MODERN SCULPTOR.
+
+BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that
+chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of
+him,--he's a sculptor."--"Such a fellow as that a _sculptor_! surely you
+must be mistaken."--"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know
+that he _chiselled_ a tailor--out of a suit of clothes last week."
+
+
+        DCCCLXIII.--A DIFFICULT TASK.
+
+"YOU have only yourself to please," said a married friend to an old
+bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a _difficult_
+task I find it."
+
+
+        DCCCLXIV.--THE GOUTY SHOE.
+
+JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general
+conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library
+at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the
+pleasure-grounds:--
+
+"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"
+
+"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they
+are all out now."
+
+"Well, and what then?"
+
+"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have
+really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off
+being shown over the improvements."
+
+
+        DCCCLXV.--A LUSUS NATURAE.
+
+AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls
+under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of
+butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid,
+"save the insinuation that some girls are _over_ twenty-one years of
+age."
+
+
+        DCCCLXVI.--A CASE OF NECESSITY.
+
+A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling
+off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you
+selling off?"--"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't
+they?"--"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"--"To be sure; would you
+have me _keep open_ on Sunday!"
+
+
+        DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.
+
+IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the
+assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for
+their generosity, and the love of their _species_. The collection
+happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had
+evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have
+been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.
+
+
+        DCCCLXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON.
+
+WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he
+told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that
+he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an
+equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than
+himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had
+fifty who _deserved hanging_.
+
+
+        DCCCLXIX.--THE POET FOILED.
+
+    TO win the maid the poet tries,
+    And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,
+    She likes a _verse_, but, cruel whim,
+    She still appears _a-verse_ to him.
+
+
+        DCCCLXX.--A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.
+
+A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his
+"trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his
+money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the
+attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much
+self-complacency,--"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how
+you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his
+serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "_The lawyers
+got that_!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The
+counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXI.--VICE VERSA.
+
+IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt.
+This cannot be; for instead of _contracting_ it at all, bad Ministers
+have most materially extended it.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXII.--NOTHING PERSONAL.
+
+AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was
+considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them
+a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M----, who was more
+celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny
+lasses!"--"With all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M----, "for it
+neither _applies_ to you nor me."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXIII.--A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.
+
+MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this
+manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one _more_."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXIV.--A MISTAKE.
+
+OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking.
+"Some puny things," he said, "have died of _learning_ to drink, but no
+man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he
+spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years
+treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXV.--AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.
+
+THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not
+satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why,
+sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our
+ain righteousness."--"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated
+the astonished doctor, "I never _saw any ye had to renounce_!"
+
+
+        DCCCLXXVI.--THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.
+
+AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young
+partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,--
+
+"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that
+very elderly lady!"
+
+"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXVII.--A PROUD HEART.
+
+MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in
+private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of
+tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of
+which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the
+implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with
+the new coal-sacks?"--"Made _pillows_ on 'em," replied the son.
+"Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take
+th' _ould_ ones?"
+
+
+        DCCCLXXVIII.--SENT HOME FREE.
+
+A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX,"
+concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four
+glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent _home
+gratis_ in a wheelbarrow, if required."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXIX.--CHARLES II. AND MILTON.
+
+CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him,
+and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your
+blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."--"If
+Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with
+_blindness_, what must have been the crimes of your father which it
+punished with _death_!"
+
+
+        DCCCLXXX.--WHOSE?
+
+SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon
+an empty stomach."--"_Upon whose_?" said he.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXI.--"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."
+
+IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of
+Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple
+of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of
+_capping_. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men
+begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were _freshmen_, and did
+not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship.
+"Only _eight_ days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop,
+"_puppies_ never see till they are _nine_ days old."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)
+
+    "THE independence of the Lords is gone,"
+    Says W----, to truth for once inclined;
+    And to believe his lordship I am prone,
+    Seeing that he himself is left behind.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXIII.--CONFIDENCE--TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.
+
+ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a
+successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness.
+"I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my
+pieces."--"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "_you_ are always certain of
+success. Your pieces have all been tried before."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXIV.--BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.
+
+A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and
+requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am
+surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know
+you."--"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for
+_those who do_, will not lend me a farthing."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXV.--WILL AND THE WAY.
+
+AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the
+senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the
+best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man
+who _makes his own will_."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXVI.--A REASONABLE EXCUSE.
+
+A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to
+return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend,
+"your acquaintances find it is much more easy to _retain_ the books
+themselves, than what is _contained_ in them."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXVII.--BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.
+
+WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's
+workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On
+discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg
+pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the
+honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly
+replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this
+Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were _I_ Duke of Northumberland,
+perhaps I could be."
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXVIII.--SUMMARY DECISION.
+
+MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice
+Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a
+dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not
+been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded
+that the dogs should fight."--"Then I," replied the Judge, "_am minded_
+to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.
+
+
+        DCCCLXXXIX.--A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.
+
+TO all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular
+form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to
+me, and beg to _subscribe_" (here the reader had to turn over leaf)
+"Myself, _your very obedient servant_," etc.
+
+
+        DCCCXC.--HABEAS CORPUS ACT.
+
+BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of
+that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says
+he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris
+were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive
+to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted
+him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed
+it, he went on with this misreckoning of _ten_; so it was reported to
+the House, and declared that they who were for the bill were the
+majority, and by this means the bill passed."
+
+
+        DCCCXCI.--A RUNAWAY KNOCK.
+
+DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had
+just recovered, said--"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door,
+I can assure you."
+
+
+        DCCCXCII.--COMMON POLITENESS.
+
+TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and
+wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was
+answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was
+the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he _left his name_ at
+my door in the morning."
+
+
+        DCCCXCIII.--THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
+
+JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah!
+poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the _Home Circuit_."
+
+
+        DCCCXCIV.--A SOPORIFIC.
+
+A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought
+nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular
+use he could have for a single pillow?"--"Why," said Foote, "I do not
+sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good
+nap, when the proprietor of it (though he _owed so much_) could sleep
+upon it."
+
+
+        DCCCXCV.--CHARITABLE WIT.
+
+WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman
+soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody
+expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he
+is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry five pounds. How much art
+thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may
+be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he _felt_
+very much, indeed, for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy
+pocket?" inquired the "Friend."
+
+
+        DCCCXCVI.--USE IS SECOND NATURE.
+
+A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his
+customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole
+half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he,
+"it is to _keep_ my hands in use, lest at any time I should _forget
+it_."
+
+
+        DCCCXCVII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)
+
+    HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill;
+    Dissect an ass before you try your skill.
+
+
+        DCCCXCVIII.--LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.
+
+USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally
+to _clinch the roots_.
+
+
+        DCCCXCIX.--AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.
+
+THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his
+portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?"
+inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist _not_ to make it _like you_,
+so they won't know it."
+
+
+        CM.--THE REBEL LORDS.
+
+AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp
+visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to
+turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"
+
+Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and
+asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off?
+"Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made
+amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."
+
+Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but _a la tete
+tranchee_." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop
+his handkerchief for the signal.
+
+
+        CMI.--A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.
+
+"HOW are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.
+
+"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you,"
+replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever _else_ you will, _you_ will be a
+gainer by the bargain."
+
+
+        CMII.--THE DIRECT ROAD.
+
+WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young
+gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the
+way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "_Keep on
+as you are_, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to _overtake
+them_."
+
+
+        CMIII.--A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.
+
+JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial
+spendthrift.
+
+"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do
+you think of my grays?"
+
+"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your
+duns!"
+
+
+        CMIV.--DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.
+
+WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very
+elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she
+is a prodigiously fine woman."--"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't
+you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by
+art?"--"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage _art_ does not adorn her:
+_nature adorns_ her there, and _art glorifies_ her."
+
+
+        CMV.--A GOOD NEIGHBOR.
+
+THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen
+bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he
+ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather,"
+said he, "have _friends_ than hares."
+
+
+        CMVI.--AN EQUIVOCATION.
+
+A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you
+have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"--"No,
+sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a
+pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were _little Else_."
+
+
+        CMVII.--A WISE FOOL.
+
+A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety
+of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish
+as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny,
+and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the _wee_ ane," he says, giving
+as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller,
+laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and
+some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller
+has _aye a gey fat sou_."--"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller.
+"Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's _expense_ she's fed."
+
+
+        CMVIII.--ON A BALD HEAD.
+
+    MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see;
+    I first cut _him_, he now cuts _me_.
+
+
+        CMIX.--LIE FOR LIE.
+
+TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one
+said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back,
+and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much
+of you."--"So you may, madam," said he, "and _lie_ as I _did_."
+
+
+        CMX.--A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.
+
+GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a
+handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a
+glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in
+creation."--"Why, general?"--"Because," replied Lee, "you are in love
+with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."
+
+
+        CMXI.--ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.
+
+    YOUR comedy I've read, my friend,
+      And like the _half_ you've pilfered best;
+    But, sure, the Drama you might mend;
+      Take courage, man, and _steal the rest_!
+
+
+        CMXII.--GARRICK AND FOOTE.
+
+"THE Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the
+comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green
+Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all,
+you are glad to take up with one of _my_ farces."--"Why, yes, David,"
+rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator
+for this hot weather."
+
+
+        CMXIII.--NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.
+
+WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing
+Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said
+the wit; "a joke in _your_ mouth is no laughing matter!"
+
+
+        CMXIV.--QUITE AGROUND.
+
+IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He
+certainly must be content with very _limited premises_.
+
+
+        CMXV.--A JUDGE IN A FOG.
+
+ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the
+construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the
+testator meant to keep a _life-interest_ in the estate to
+himself."--"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case
+I rather think your lordship _takes the will for the deed_."
+
+
+        CMXVI.--THE LETTER H.
+
+IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple
+aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that,
+if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him,
+by making him _ill_ (_Hill_ without _H_) all the days of his life.
+
+
+        CMXVII.--ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.
+
+SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the
+country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give.
+Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on
+account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him
+sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared
+up."--"Just a _little_, ma'am--enough for one, but not enough for two."
+
+
+        CMXVIII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."
+
+CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician
+observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty,
+he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been _practising_ all
+night."
+
+
+        CMXIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P.)
+
+    IF it's true a newly made M.P.
+    Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,
+      As the said landlord certainly alleges,
+    No more will Radicals and Whigs divide
+    Upon one point, which thus we may decide,
+      "Some members are too much disposed for pledges."
+
+
+        CMXX.--CUP AND SAUCER.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and
+remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of
+conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in
+question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so,"
+said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state
+of his saucers."
+
+
+        CMXXI.--A NEW READING.
+
+KEMBLE playing _Hamlet_ in the country, the gentleman who acted
+_Guildenstern_ was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician.
+_Hamlet_ asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"--"My lord, I
+cannot."--"I pray you."--"Believe me, I cannot."--"I do beseech
+you."--"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I
+can"; and to the confusion of _Hamlet_, and the great amusement of the
+audience, he played "God save the king!"
+
+
+        CMXXII.--CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.
+
+SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about _to stand_ at the ensuing
+elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them,
+for there are very few who can reasonably expect to _sit_.--G. A'B.
+
+
+        CMXXIII.--STRANGE VESPERS.
+
+A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a
+living?"--"No."--"How does he employ himself?"--"He says mass in the
+morning."--"And in the evening?"--"In the evening he _don't know what_
+he says."
+
+
+        CMXXIV.--A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.
+
+SIR B---- R----, in one of the debates on the question of the Union,
+made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it
+would change the _barren hills_ into _fruitful valleys_."
+
+
+        CMXXV.--AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.
+
+THE Duke of C--mb--l--d has taken from this country a thing which not one
+person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean
+_his departure_.--G. A'B.
+
+
+        CMXXVI.--ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.
+
+A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of
+a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near
+the _vertebra_?"--"No, no," said the other; "it was near the
+_racecourse_."
+
+
+        CMXXVII.--SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.
+
+WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter
+Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one
+striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used
+in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the
+room, and returned with the beautiful lines:--
+
+    "No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung;
+    Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.
+    Majestic silence," &c.
+
+
+        CMXXVIII.--THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.
+
+MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of
+discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of
+his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney.
+During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man
+whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He
+traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end
+without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about
+to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his
+labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her
+friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named
+Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed,
+does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been
+rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man
+with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and
+Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell
+into a _brown study_, in which she remained for some time. At length,
+however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her
+companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig!
+whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she
+added, "You should ha' ax'd for _Ould Blackbird_!"
+
+
+        CMXXIX.--A POSER.
+
+FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing
+away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his
+friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"--"You
+have not _tried me_ yet, sir," said Foote.
+
+
+        CMXXX.--MINDING HIS CUE.
+
+MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of _Richmond_; and having, during the
+evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to
+the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was
+personating _Lord Stanley_ (for the safety of whose son _Richmond_ is
+naturally anxious), THUS, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:--
+
+Elliston (as _Richmond_). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?
+
+Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester
+town_!
+
+Elliston (as _Richmond_). I mean--ah!--is he missing?
+
+Powell (as _Lord Stanley_). He is, my Lord, and _safe in Leicester
+town_!!
+
+And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say
+that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at
+that particular moment, have been put to him.
+
+
+        CMXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On a little member's versatility.)
+
+    WHY little Neddy ---- yearns
+      To _rat_, there is a reason strong,
+    He needs be _everything by turns_,
+      Who is by nature _nothing long_.
+
+
+        CMXXXII.--LATE AND EARLY.
+
+THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes
+and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a
+superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very
+_late_ to the office."--"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must
+remember that I go away _early_." The oddness of the excuse silenced the
+reprover.
+
+
+        CMXXXIII.--FAIR PLAY.
+
+CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother
+counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both
+sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so
+little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without
+hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first
+fire."--"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any
+advantage, you shall _chalk_ my size upon _your body_, and all hits out
+of the ring shall go for nothing."
+
+
+        CMXXXIV.--SOMETHING LACKING.
+
+HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on
+a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "WARREN'S B----," was
+puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis _lacking_ that
+should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.
+
+
+        CMXXXV.--THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.
+
+    FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,
+    Who values herself on her family's blood:
+    Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+    From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk,
+    Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,
+    And keep a poor curate to do all his work,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+    From a justice of peace who forgives no offence,
+    But construes the law in its most rigid sense,
+    And still to bind over will find some pretence,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+    From dealing with great men and taking their word,
+    From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,
+    Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+    From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught,
+    From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,
+    From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,
+                                            _Libera me!_
+
+
+        CMXXXVI.--THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.
+
+A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of
+people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery.
+A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see
+the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery.
+"John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little
+dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride,
+cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,--"_Crockery_! bring down
+little _China_."
+
+
+        CMXXXVII.--MEN OF LETTERS.
+
+    A CORRESPONDENT, something new
+    Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.
+    The editor his letter read,
+    And begged he might be X.Q.Z.
+
+
+        CMXXXVIII.--ELEGANT RETORT.
+
+IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the
+undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the
+Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of
+this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had
+given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he
+might resign his office to another, a great _hissing_ was raised in
+disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made
+the following elegant retort:--
+
+    "_Laudatur ab his_."
+
+
+        CMXXXIX.--SNUG LYING.
+
+A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be
+buried in the churchyard _there_, because it was so healthy.
+
+
+        CMXL.--A PROPER ANSWER.
+
+A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty,
+"What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that _concern
+you_."
+
+
+        CMXLI.--GOOD HEARING.
+
+    I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,
+    I'm very glad to _hear it_, too, cries Ned.
+
+
+        CMXLII.--AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.
+
+GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a
+letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said
+Lady G----. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship,
+where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"
+
+
+        CMXLIII.--HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.
+
+COOKE was announced one evening to play the _Stranger_ at the Dublin
+Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were
+visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the
+audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his
+failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When
+the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder
+hut--yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and
+striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of
+mind. Still this was taken as the _chef-d'oeuvre_ of fine acting, and
+was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having
+cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in
+vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling,
+thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people--you know the
+value of money--a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is
+lost for ever. My son, too--pardon the feelings of a parent--my only
+son--as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain--not
+many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the
+defence of his King!" Here his feelings became so powerful that they
+choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he
+staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing
+the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed
+L1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but,
+too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as
+the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the
+business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor
+played the part.
+
+
+        CMXLIV.--THE SEASON-INGS.
+
+"COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four _seasons_ are." Young
+Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."
+
+
+        CMXLV.--NOT AT HOME.
+
+A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the
+churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded,
+he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially
+made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and
+after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a
+similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a
+tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation,
+referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye _a' up
+an' awa_?"
+
+
+        CMXLVI.--LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.
+
+ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers
+of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag,
+in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to
+lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the
+modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:--
+
+    "Happy and glorious"--
+    _Three half-pints_ 'mong _four_ of us,
+    _Heaven send no more of us_,
+                  God save the Queen!
+
+which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was received with a
+full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.
+
+
+        CMXLVII.--WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?
+
+    HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below,
+    Forbade a beard on woman's _chin_ to grow,
+    For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill)
+    Whose _tongue_ would never let her _chin_ be still!
+
+
+        CMXLVIII.--COOL RETORT.
+
+HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at
+Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping
+his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson
+took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir,
+was a _digression_: now for the argument."
+
+
+        CMXLIX.--LYING.
+
+DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but,
+like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.--D.J.
+
+
+        CML.--PERTINENT INQUIRY.
+
+A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him
+stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says
+the other: "Pray, sir, _did you_?"
+
+
+        CMLI.--A POLITE REBUKE.
+
+CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the
+driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much
+longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's
+ships."--"How's that, sir?"--"Why, _frozen at the pole_!"
+
+
+        CMLII.--A CERTAIN CROP.
+
+UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great
+preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field,
+where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were
+collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of
+opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot
+retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last
+cried out, "_Saw't wi' factors_, ma lord; they are sure to thrive
+everywhere."
+
+
+        CMLIII.--GOOD ADVICE.
+
+NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to
+the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.
+
+
+        CMLIV.--MR. THELWALL.
+
+WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high
+treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following
+note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead
+my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be
+hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "_I'll be
+hanged, then, if I do_."
+
+
+        CMLV.--CHEAP AT THE MONEY.
+
+A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who
+had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a
+shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury
+_one-and-twenty of them_."
+
+
+        CMLVI.--A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.
+
+A PERSON, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how
+many years it would take "_to pay_ a little debt of a hundred pounds!"
+
+
+        CMLVII.--A BACK-HANDED HIT.
+
+LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is
+_represented_. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult
+to the members who represent that wretched country."
+
+
+        CMLVIII.--THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.
+
+    IF by their names we things should call,
+      It surely would be _properer_,
+    To term a singing piece a bawl,
+      A dancing piece a _hopperer_!
+
+
+        CMLIX.--A FAVORITE AIR.
+
+ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical
+composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear
+it."--"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.
+
+
+        CMLX.--A GOOD JOKE.
+
+A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an
+acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have
+a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"--"With
+pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against
+_the next_." The joke settled the quarrel.
+
+
+        CMLXI.--ONE THING AT A TIME.
+
+A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying,
+"It was not hissed."--"True," said another; "no one can _hiss_ and
+_gape_ at the same time."
+
+
+        CMLXII.--TROPHIES.
+
+A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at
+Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many _trophies_ of Louis the
+Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had
+many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my
+master's victories are to be seen _everywhere_ but in his _own house_."
+
+
+        CMLXIII.--"BRIEF LET IT BE."
+
+WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer
+in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson
+observing: "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your life?
+Remember, yours is a _brief_ existence."
+
+
+        CMLXIV.--GOOD ADVICE.
+
+A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge,
+replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first
+sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."
+
+
+        CMLXV.--EXPECTORATION.
+
+WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even
+when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to
+civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of.
+No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.--S.S.
+
+
+        CMLXVI.--A COAT-OF-ARMS.
+
+    A GREAT pretender to gentility
+    Came to a herald for his pedigree:
+    The herald, knowing what he was, begun
+    To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done,
+    Told him he was a gentleman of note,
+    And that he had a very glorious coat.
+    "Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."
+    "Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees,
+    One couchant; and, to give it further scope,
+    A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.
+    And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,
+    There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."
+
+
+        CMLXVII.--DR. SIMS.
+
+A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of
+his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with
+great naivete: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an
+_emetic_! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would _not stay_ on my
+stomach either time."
+
+
+        CMLXVIII.--MARRIAGE.
+
+IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the
+enemy.
+
+
+        CMLXIX.--BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.
+
+POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the
+young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"
+
+
+        CMLXX.--INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.
+
+A SPENDTHRIFT said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the
+world; now see where I am through my own exertions."--"Well, where are
+you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now _owe more_ than a thousand
+pounds!"
+
+
+        CMLXXI.--QUANTUM SUFF.
+
+IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost
+unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady
+mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady
+dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The
+party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find
+her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her
+mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither _het nor cauld_."
+
+
+        CMLXXII.--LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.
+
+A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had
+enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the
+Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort
+of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked
+at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,--you turned it
+all into _cheese_ several years ago!"
+
+
+        CMLXXIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.
+
+"ARE you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a
+prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are _you_ put
+there for but to find that out?"
+
+
+        CMLXXIV.--ACCOMMODATING.
+
+A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said,
+"You speak foolishly." He answered, "_It is that you may understand
+me_."
+
+
+        CMLXXV.--GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.
+
+    FRANK, who will any friend supply,
+    Lent me ten guineas.--"Come," said I,
+    "Give me a pen, it is but fair
+    You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there;
+    Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;--
+    No need to waste my paper too."
+
+
+        CMLXXVI.--ODD REASON.
+
+A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he
+was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the _great regard_
+we have for each other."
+
+
+        CMLXXVII.--VERY EVIDENT.
+
+GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a
+board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "A
+GOES KOORED HEAR."--"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people
+as these can cure agues?"--"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their
+prescription is,--but _it is not by a spell_."
+
+
+        CMLXXVIII.--OMINOUS, VERY!
+
+A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly
+gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X----
+in?"--"Don't live here," says P----, who was in full scribble over some
+important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his
+office."--"Next door."--"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many
+patients?"--"_Not living_!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in
+the vicinity.
+
+
+        CMLXXIX.--A REVERSE.
+
+AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house
+he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned _topsy-turvy_, I'd be
+livin' on the first flure."
+
+
+        CMLXXX.--ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE
+        OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.
+
+    HIS degradation is complete,
+      His name with loss of honor branding:
+    When he resolved to win his seat
+      He literally lost his standing.
+
+
+        CMLXXXI.--MUSICAL TASTE.
+
+A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music,
+being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it
+being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W----,
+did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I
+would subscribe too."
+
+
+        CMLXXXII.--LINGUAL INFECTION.
+
+A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was
+observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out
+as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could
+be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such
+an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying _to catch_ the English accent."
+
+
+        CMLXXXIII.--PORSON _versus_ DR. JOWETT.
+
+DR. JOWETT, who was a _small_ man, was permitted by the head of his
+college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some
+_jeux d'esprit_ among the wags of the University, which induced him to
+alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the
+following extemporaneous lines:--
+
+    A _little_ garden _little_ Jowett made,
+    And fenced it with a _little_ palisade;
+    Because this garden made a _little_ talk,
+    He changed it to a _little_ gravel walk;
+    And now, if more you'd know of _little_ Jowett,
+    A _little_ time, it will a _little_ show it.
+
+
+        CMLXXXIV.--BREVITY OF CHARITY.
+
+BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues.
+Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without
+the other.
+
+
+        CMLXXXV.--HIGH GAMING.
+
+BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an _odd trick_; on which
+his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room.
+The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he
+should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play _so high_ again as long as
+you live."
+
+
+        CMLXXXVI.--HARD OF DIGESTION.
+
+QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could
+offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the
+coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural
+curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this
+bird has one very remarkable property--he will swallow iron?"--"Then
+very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the _key_ of your
+_wine-cellar_!"
+
+
+        CMLXXXVII.--A MONSTER.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH said that "the Court of Chancery was like a
+boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in
+haste, and digested them at leisure."
+
+
+        CMLXXXVIII.--SAILOR'S WEDDING.
+
+A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but
+at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between
+them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the
+sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as _far
+as it will go_."
+
+
+        CMLXXXIX.--QUID PRO QUO.
+
+SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each
+other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"--"That's a
+sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours _ring_?" said Smith. "No,"
+said Brown. "That's a sign it's _cracked_," replied his friend.
+
+
+        CMXC.--THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.
+
+ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of ----
+approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in
+before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out
+to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing
+the passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of ----," and
+then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read
+the line, "Nor stand _in sinners' way_."
+
+
+        CMXCI.--ENCOURAGEMENT.
+
+A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The
+unfortunate client who appears by me--" and then he came to a full stop;
+beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the
+remark, "My unfortunate client--." He did not find his fluency of speech
+quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his
+softest tone, "Pray go on, so far the court is quite _with you_."
+
+
+        CMXCII.--FALSE ESTIMATE.
+
+KEAN once played _Young Norval_ to Mrs. Siddons's _Lady Randolph_: after
+the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting
+him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's
+a pity,--but there's _too little_ of you to do anything."
+
+Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies
+from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the
+infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often
+unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes
+of lightning. I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play
+_Othello_."
+
+
+        CMXCIII.--AMERICAN PENANCE.
+
+AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last
+creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian
+Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript
+Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate
+me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the
+transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his
+opponents.--S.S.
+
+
+        CMXCIV.--A MONEY-LENDER.
+
+THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you
+half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always
+poison at hand for a remedy.--D.J.
+
+
+        CMXCV.--A BAD MEDIUM.
+
+A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said
+to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said?
+I am not skilled in any of the _dead_ languages."
+
+
+        CMXCVI.--TAKING A HINT.
+
+    THE Bishop preached: "My friends," said he,
+    "How sweet a thing is charity,
+    The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"
+    "It is, indeed," sighed miser B.,
+    "And instantly I'll go and--ask it."
+
+
+        CMXCVII.--SWEARING THE PEACE.
+
+AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded
+his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of
+his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest
+son Larry, for he _never struck him when he was down_!"
+
+
+        CMXCVIII.--THE RULING PASSION.
+
+THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a
+_baker_ at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote,
+who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as
+appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended
+the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely
+paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town,
+Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment
+to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at
+the same time, "I have just seen him _shoved_ into the _family oven_."
+
+
+        CMXCIX.--A SANITARY AIR.
+
+THE air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as
+far,--it must, for it's ten times as thick.--D.J.
+
+
+        M.--GRAFTING.
+
+VERY dry and pithy too was a legal _opinion_ given to a claimant of the
+Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious
+forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a
+peer, but it would be a peer o' anither _tree_!
+
+
+        MI.--A SHORT CREED.
+
+A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would
+believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then
+young man, _your creed_ will be the shortest of any man's I know."
+
+
+        MII.--IN THE DARK.
+
+A SCOTCH lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked
+with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the _puir whales_?" deeming
+their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.
+
+
+        MIII.--NOT TO BE TEMPTED.
+
+"COME down, this instant," said the boatswain to a mischievous son of
+Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll
+give you a good dozen, you rascal!"--"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down
+if you'd give me _two dozen_!"
+
+
+        MIV.--QUITE POETICAL.
+
+HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his
+Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by
+the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after
+the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him
+on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of
+the _Last Ministry_!"
+
+
+        MV.--CORPORATION POLITENESS.
+
+    AS a west-country mayor, with formal address,
+    Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,
+    "The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen,
+    Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,
+    But your majesty's courage soon made it appear
+    That his Donship had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."
+
+
+        MVI.--A COMMON WANT.
+
+IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the
+matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited
+disputants, he began:--
+
+"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense--"
+
+"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you _do_ want!"
+
+The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.
+
+
+        MVII.--LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.
+
+THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was
+remarkable for what is called a "comfortable assurance." Dining in a
+party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box,
+belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that
+"It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."--"Yes, Mr.
+Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any _freedom_ but yours."
+
+
+        MVIII.--HENRY ERSKINE.
+
+MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being
+presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow,
+slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the
+sight of his _bear_.
+
+
+        MIX.--EPITAPH ON A MISER.
+
+    READER, beware immoderate love of pelf,
+    Here lies the worst of thieves,--who robbed himself.
+
+
+        MX.--SMART REPLY.
+
+SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to
+her, "Good morning, mother of asses."--"Good morning, my child," was the
+reply.
+
+
+        MXI.--CALUMNY.
+
+GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous _bon-vivant_, "They
+tell me, Sir John, you love a _glass_ of wine."--"Those, sire, who have
+so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me
+great injustice; they should have said,--_a bottle_!"
+
+
+        MXII.--LOVE.
+
+THEY say love's like the measles,--all the worse when it comes late in
+life.--D.J.
+
+
+        MXIII.--ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.
+
+A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you _change_
+countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, _let
+him_!"
+
+
+        MXIV.--TOO FAST.
+
+TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in
+despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"--"Are you?" said the other
+joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and _undo me_."
+
+
+        MXV.--A REVERSE JOKE.
+
+A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he
+stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he
+had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? "So I
+should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his _tail_!"
+
+
+        MXVI.--A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.
+
+THE subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823,
+was _Australasia_ (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of
+conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they
+thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a
+_transporting_ one."
+
+
+        MXVII.--HARD-WARE.
+
+A FEW years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed
+at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,--
+
+    Such notes, as warbled to the string,
+    Drew _iron tears_ down Pluto's cheek.
+
+The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably
+delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything _in
+iron_ before that could not be made at Birmingham.
+
+
+        MXVIII.--PAINTING AND MEDICINE.
+
+A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned
+respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are
+_exposed_ to view; but in medicine, they are _buried_ with the patient."
+
+
+        MXIX.--DOGMATISM
+
+IS pupyism come to its full growth.--D.J.
+
+
+        MXX.--SALAD.
+
+    TO make this condiment your poet begs
+    The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;
+    Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
+    Smoothness and softness to the salad give;
+    Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
+    And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
+    Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
+    Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;
+    But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,
+    To add a double quantity of salt.
+    And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss
+    A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.
+    O green and glorious!--O herbaceous treat!
+    'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat;
+    Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,
+    And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!
+    Serenely full, the epicure would say,
+    "Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"
+
+
+        MXXI.--ACTOR.
+
+A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged
+to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty
+pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A
+comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with
+wounds, is content with half that sum."--"What!" replied the actor; "and
+do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to _say so_?"
+
+
+        MXXII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THAT Lord ---- owes nothing, one safely may say,
+    For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.
+
+
+        MXXIII.--CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.
+
+"I RISE for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am
+very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man _wants_ it more."
+
+
+        MXXIV.--CARROTS CLASSICALLY CONSIDERED.
+
+    WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know
+      (I note it here in charity),
+    Had taste in beauty, and with them
+      The Graces were all [Greek: Charitai]!
+
+
+        MXXV.--DOING HOMAGE.
+
+RETURNING from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into
+conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him
+side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and
+watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered
+something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying
+to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been
+unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought
+to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your
+Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened
+to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a
+very high-spirited horse, so that if anything _goes off_ we must _all go
+off together_!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.
+
+
+        MXXVI.--SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.
+
+A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,--"I can
+furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two
+volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them
+once to Blanco White, and before the third page--_he was fast asleep_!"
+
+
+        MXXVII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On ----'s ponderous speeches.)
+
+    THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,
+      The House would most willingly spare them;
+    For it finds they possess such remarkable _weight_,
+      That it's really a trouble to _bear them_.
+
+
+        MXXVIII.--GOOD AT A PINCH.
+
+A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks,
+having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets,
+snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging
+from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon
+failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which unwillingly
+abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst
+the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of
+the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the
+snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became
+back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the
+minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that
+he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new
+idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae."
+The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and
+then said, "Whaur did you get it?"--"_I soupit[B] the poupit_," was
+John's expressive reply. The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath
+snuff now came into good use.
+
+[B] Swept.
+
+
+        MXXIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the
+principles he has always professed.)
+
+    SURE in the House he'll do but little good
+    Who lets "_I dare not, wait upon_ I WOOD (I would)."
+
+
+        MXXX.--WILKES'S READY REPLY.
+
+LUTTREL and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes
+asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools
+or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll
+tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But,
+perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't
+mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"--"Why (the
+answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."--"How so?"--"I
+should merely say it was a _fabrication_, and they would _destroy you_
+in the twinkling of an eye!"
+
+
+        MXXXI.--TOO GRATEFUL.
+
+AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the
+thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor,
+I've no way _here_ to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you _knocked
+down in me own parish_,--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"
+
+
+        MXXXII.--THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.
+
+    SAY, why erroneous vent your spite?
+      Your censure, friends, will _raise_ us;
+    If you do wish to damn us quite,
+      Only begin to _praise_ us!
+
+
+        MXXXIII.--ODD HOUSEKEEPING.
+
+MRS. MONTGOMERY was the only--the motherless--daughter of the stern
+General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of housekeeper,
+and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the articles purchased,
+and their prices, she put the "cart before the horse." Her gruff papa
+never lectured her verbally, but wrote his remarks on the margin of the
+paper, and returned it for correction. One such instance was as follows:
+"General Campbell thinks five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for
+parsley." Henrietta instantly saw her mistake; but, instead of formally
+rectifying it, wrote against the next item,--"Miss Campbell thinks
+_twopence-halfpenny_ excessively _cheap for fowls_"; and sent it back to
+her father.
+
+
+        MXXXIV.--TELLING ONE'S AGE.
+
+A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near
+thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret
+at it, madam; for you will get _further_ from that frightful epoch every
+day."
+
+
+        MXXXV.--POT VALIANT.
+
+PROVISIONS have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is
+generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English
+physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a
+coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that
+he said he always employed his troops _before their dinner had
+digested_.
+
+
+        MXXXVI.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His
+clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady,
+he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they
+used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful,
+added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, _Mare Pacificum_." A curate,
+who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was
+_Mare Mortuum_ first."
+
+
+        MXXXVII.--A BAD PREACHER.
+
+A CLERGYMAN, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to
+_hear him preach_. He answered, "I am afraid of _disturbing your
+solitude_."
+
+
+        MXXXVIII.--ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.
+
+    SO well deserved is Rogers' fame,
+    That friends, who hear him most, advise
+    The egotist to change his name
+    To "Argus," with his hundred I's!
+
+
+        MXXXIX.--A POSER.
+
+IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his
+client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my
+lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The
+Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you _lie_ on both
+sides, whom will you have me believe?"
+
+
+        MXL.--A QUIET DOSE.
+
+A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health _gratis_, asked
+a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll
+tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take _advice_."
+
+
+        MXLI.--THE DANCING PRELATES.
+
+    SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance,
+    The early bishops used to join the dance,
+    And winding, turning ----s shows us yet,
+    That Bishops still know how to pirouette.
+
+
+        MXLII.--AURICULAR CONFESSION.
+
+A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering
+the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."--"Stop; are
+you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.--"Yes, of one ear."--"Then you may
+leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear _both
+sides_."
+
+
+        MXLIII.--A DRY FELLOW.
+
+"WELL, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter
+finishing his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had
+been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but
+gin anybody asks if I got a dram _after 't_, what will I say?"
+
+
+        MAXILLA.--GOOD EVIDENCE.
+
+"DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.
+
+"Yes, your honor," was the reply.
+
+"On what _ground_ did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned
+counsel.
+
+"_In the back-yard_," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.
+
+
+        AXLE.--EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.
+
+    POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,
+    Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;
+    For twenty years he did the duties well,
+    Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.
+    But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs
+    To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.
+    The church clock struck _one_--alas! 'twas Peter's knell,
+    Who sighed, "I'm coming--that's the ostler's bell!"
+
+
+        MXLVI.--QUIN AND THE PARSON.
+
+A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner,
+entertained them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his
+parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin,
+being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair
+of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,--"So, so, doctor, I
+think you do keep your _glebe_ in your own hands with a witness!"
+
+
+        MXLVII.--NATURAL ANTIPATHY.
+
+FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked,
+"Why he hated that nation so much."--"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I
+don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have
+everything keep to its _native element_."
+
+
+        MXLVIII.--NOT NECESSARY.
+
+"YOU flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady
+who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake,
+ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that _monkey any flatter_
+than he is!"
+
+
+        MXLIX.--ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.
+
+STERNE, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of
+treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine
+sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The
+husband," said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves unkindly to his
+wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."--"If you think
+so," replied Garrick, "I hope _your_ house is insured."
+
+
+        ML.--CROMWELL.
+
+ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in
+the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:--
+
+    "The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring,
+    Is the name of the man that murdered the king."
+
+
+        MLI.--BILL PAID IN FULL.
+
+AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker,
+in his robes of office. The active part he took to forward the bill to
+settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a _scroll_
+painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George
+the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the _Tower_, and this
+circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he
+wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which
+Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "THIS BILL PAID IN
+FULL."
+
+
+        MLII.--WOMEN.
+
+AT no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the
+society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our
+mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in
+all ages our friends."
+
+A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a
+woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to _point_ out the hours, and
+a woman to make us _forget_ them."
+
+
+        MLIII.--THE DEVIL'S OWN.
+
+AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were
+defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through.
+This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, "that the lawyers always
+went through _thick_ and _thin_."
+
+
+        MLIV.--WHIST-PLAYING.
+
+CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more
+clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if
+_dirt_ were trumps, what _hands_ you would hold!"
+
+
+        MLV.--A CRUEL CASE.
+
+POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art,
+received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the
+simplicity of the intended fare--a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of
+beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I
+will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and eat he did,
+till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a
+haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at
+trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way
+to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years'
+standing, and to be _served in this manner_!"
+
+
+        MLVI.--ON SHELLEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."
+
+    SHELLEY styles his new poem, "_Prometheus Unbound_,"
+    And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;
+    For surely an age would be spent in the finding
+    A reader so weak as to _pay for the binding_.
+
+
+        MLVII.--WRITING TREASON.
+
+HORNE TOOKE, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much
+treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged,
+replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was
+_trying_."
+
+
+        MLVIII.--A GRACEFUL ILLUSTRATION.
+
+THE resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its
+aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding
+evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous
+emotions.--S.S.
+
+
+        MLIX.--IMPROMPTU.
+
+_On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac
+Sycophant._
+
+    SOME envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,
+    Because the character was drawn too true;
+    It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"
+    That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.
+
+
+        MLX.--IN THE BACKGROUND.
+
+AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent
+him _standing behind a tree_.
+
+
+        MLXI.--IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.
+
+A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate
+herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath
+than _marry_. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should
+find a _husband_ at the bottom."
+
+
+        MLXII.--THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.
+
+A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain,
+wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you
+want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."--"I
+can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,--that
+makes two. Now, here's the _third_," and he threw it overboard.
+
+
+        MLXIII.--THE REASON WHY.
+
+FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's
+houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why,"
+said he, "the _first_ know what they want, but the _latter_ do not."
+
+
+        MLXIV.--PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.
+
+WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same
+play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the
+mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into
+the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let me get into the chair, and put
+little Davy into the lantern."--"By all means," rejoined Garrick, "I
+shall ever be happy _to enlighten_ Mr. Quin in anything."
+
+
+        MLXV.--BARK AND BITE.
+
+LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a
+Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned
+himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on,
+Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the
+rejoinder; "I really thought your lordship was employed in
+_consultation_."
+
+
+        MLXVI.--A PRESSING REASON.
+
+A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy
+tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that
+time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did
+you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running
+away?"--"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that _he
+was_."
+
+
+        MLXVII.--SMALL WIT.
+
+SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a
+delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish
+towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped
+himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at
+the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "_which_ is the pudding?"
+
+
+        MLXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING
+CHAPEL.
+
+    TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught:
+    Oh could I do but either as I ought!
+    In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,--
+    I pray too little, and I fast too much.
+
+
+        MLXIX.--MAKING PROGRESS.
+
+A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of
+medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as
+physician, for I think I am now able to _cure a child_."
+
+
+        MLXX.--THE WOOLSACK.
+
+COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor,
+amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand
+head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has
+still an eye to the woolsack."
+
+
+        MLXXI.--SIR THOMAS COULSON.
+
+SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury
+Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where
+the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "_ingens_ cui
+lumen adeptum."
+
+
+        MLXXII.--THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!
+
+WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription
+for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if
+he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I
+had I should have broken my neck for I _threw it_ out of a
+two-pair-of-stairs window."
+
+
+        MLXXIII.--MOTHERLY REMARK.
+
+SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper.
+When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in
+India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed,
+"Heaven pity the man _that's tied_ to my Davy!"
+
+
+        MLXXIV.--TOO GOOD.
+
+A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a
+man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking
+all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear
+sir, you _deserve_ to be ill."
+
+
+        MLXXV.--A BALANCE.
+
+"PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a
+village attorney. "For what?"--"For the opinion you had of me."--"Faith,
+I _never_ had any _opinion_ of you in all my life."
+
+
+        MLXXVI.--MONEY'S WORTH.
+
+WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising
+agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one
+of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that
+work."--"Why, no, master," was the reply, "_seven shillings_ a week
+isn't _sweating_ wages."
+
+
+        MLXXVII.--ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.
+
+    STRANGE is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully
+    Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.
+    The etymological cause, I suppose, is
+    His breaking the bridges of so many noses.
+
+
+        MLXXVIII.--WRITING FOR THE STAGE.
+
+PEOPLE would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash
+which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very
+first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for
+representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a
+nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic
+description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the
+hero of the drama declaimed from the _main-mast_ of a man-of-war,
+without once descending from his position!
+
+A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in _thirty_ acts.
+The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have
+five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a
+week.
+
+
+        MLXXIX.--A COMPARISON.
+
+"AN attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an
+apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer
+does not deal in _scruples_."
+
+
+        MLXXX.--GAMBLING.
+
+I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me
+like the funeral bell of a whole family.--D.J.
+
+
+        MLXXXI.--SWEEPS.
+
+WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a
+climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's
+office!
+
+
+        MLXXXII.--SELF-CONCEIT.
+
+    HAIL, charming power of self-opinion!
+    For none are slaves in thy dominion;
+    Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,
+    The _vain_ have only _one_ to please.
+
+
+        MLXXXIII.--JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.
+
+FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear
+affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to
+attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in
+Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought
+he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the
+party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes
+before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to
+him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down
+without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the
+pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour.
+As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding
+none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my
+Lord, I am engaged to _dine_ at the next house--and--and----"--"And,
+sir, you thought you might as well _save_ your own dinner by _spoiling_
+mine?"--"Exactly so, my Lord; but----"--"Sir, I wish you a good
+evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was
+more frightened.
+
+
+        MLXXXIV.--A GOOD INVESTMENT.
+
+AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: "_To be
+sold_, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney
+retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."
+
+
+        MLXXXV.--THE AGED YOUNG LADY.
+
+AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said
+that she was but _forty_ years old. A student who sat near observed,
+that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the
+last _ten years_.
+
+
+        MLXXXVI--KEEPING TIME.
+
+A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he
+should stir the fire without interrupting the music."--"_Between the
+bars_," replied the friend.
+
+
+        MLXXXVII.--ENTERING THE LISTS.
+
+THE Duke of B----, who was to have been one of the knights of the
+Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse
+himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could
+I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"--"It
+will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your
+_list_ shoes."
+
+
+        MLXXXVIII.--NOT IMPORTUNATE.
+
+MRS. ROBISON (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy)
+having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had
+accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."--"Weel, weel," said
+Mrs. Robison, "if ye're _dead_ I'll no' expect ye."
+
+
+        MLXXXIX.--WITTY COWARD.
+
+A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he
+never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile
+it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?"--"Pooh!"
+replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes
+behind my back."
+
+
+        MXC.--PRIORITY.
+
+AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his _young_ master for
+his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me,
+Maister Jeems, _I hae been langer about the place than yersel'_."
+
+
+        MXCI.--SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?
+
+A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a
+proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the
+proposition with the dry remark, "I never big dykes till the _tenants_
+complain."
+
+
+        MXCII.--CHARACTERISTICS.
+
+THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One
+extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a
+friend with,--"It is a very cold morning, doctor."--"I don't know that,"
+was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with
+_snow_. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The
+doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and
+interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the
+annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated
+next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much,
+as many of the party did not understand it."--"And _you are one_ of
+them," observed the learned bear.
+
+
+        MXCIII.--AN ERROR CORRECTED.
+
+JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of
+his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his
+disappointment.
+
+_Friend_ (to Jerrold).--I hear you said ---- was the worst book I ever
+wrote.
+
+_Jerrold._--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever
+wrote.
+
+
+        MXCIV.--A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.
+
+    W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover
+      The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.
+    But hold! _Extremes will meet_: the marvel's over;
+      His very _dulness_ is the _extreme_ of wit.
+
+
+        MXCV.--BRAHAM AND KENNEY.
+
+THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was
+passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at
+the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of
+manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He
+replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I
+really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On
+asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham
+say, as he entered, 'I am really _proud_ of my pit to-night,' I went and
+counted it, and there were but _seventeen_ people in it."
+
+
+        MXCVI.--HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.
+
+    "I WOULD," says Fox, "a tax devise
+      That shall not fall on me."
+    "Then tax _receipts_," Lord North replies,
+      "For those you _never_ see."
+
+
+        MXCVII.--A BED OF--WHERE?
+
+A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and
+spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very
+proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion,
+and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well,
+sir; but, indeed, I thought _I'd lost_ the minister a' thegither."
+
+
+        MXCVIII.--ENVY.
+
+A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by
+the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is
+dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied
+another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, _I
+wish I had just half his disease_!"--in other words, a moiety of the
+whiskey he had drunk.
+
+
+        MXCIX.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.
+
+"I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her
+boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little
+_upon it_."
+
+
+        MC.--MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.
+
+A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as
+you see him; but he's an _honest_ beast." The purchaser took him home.
+In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and
+his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the
+laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast;
+many a time has he _threatened_ to come down with me, and I kenned he
+would _keep his word_ some day."
+
+
+        MCI.--"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."
+
+MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by
+many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech,
+but when he used _bad_ words he could talk fluently. In one of his
+solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road.
+"Tu--u--rn," says Neville, "to--to--to--" and so on for a minute or two;
+at last he burst out, "_Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can
+tell you_!"
+
+
+        MCII.--ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.
+
+    TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born,
+    The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;
+    Though the other had talents the world to adorn,
+    _This_ lives by his _mews_, which the other could not!
+
+
+        MCIII.--A LONG RESIDENCE.
+
+THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a
+splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man
+of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as
+Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye
+to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer
+countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht _o'
+leavin' yet_."
+
+
+        MCIV.--SPARE THE ROD.
+
+A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied,
+"If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the _Italian
+system_--the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."
+
+
+        MCV.--POLITICAL SINECURE.
+
+CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to
+his heart, and declared that he was the trusty _guardian_ of his own
+honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on
+the snug little _sinecure_ he had discovered for himself.
+
+
+        MCVI.--EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAITRE PHYSICIAN.
+
+    WHEN Pennington for female ills indites,
+    Studying alone not what, but how he writes,
+    The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,
+    Cry, with ill-omened rapture,--"_Killing man_!"
+
+
+        MCVII.--DAMPED ARDOR.
+
+JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London,
+discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy
+shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many
+years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of
+us."
+
+
+        MCVIII.--ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.
+
+IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his
+native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George
+IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the
+leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed
+Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to
+ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these
+distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going
+direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission,
+Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and
+_I will talk over the business with_ HIS MAJESTY."
+
+
+        MCIX.--TRUTH AND FICTION.
+
+A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his
+servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he
+observed, that there was no great matter in it,--"For," says he, "we
+ran, and they ran _after us_."
+
+
+        MCX.--A REASONABLE REFUSAL.
+
+AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some
+of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and
+solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King.
+"Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never
+could raise a man _for mysel_, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King
+George."
+
+
+        MCXI.--LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.
+
+A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord
+North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in
+a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the
+Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter
+only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other
+criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their
+fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair,
+and taught to repeat the cry of "_Infamous coalition_!" Lord North
+coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to
+them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the
+starling might well perform his office _by deputy_.
+
+
+        MCXII.--INCAPACITY.
+
+A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "_I_ would
+permit you," answered the prelate; "but _nature_ will not."
+
+
+        MCXIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)
+
+    TO wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak;
+    Is there a night that asses do not speak?
+
+
+        MCXIV.--VALUE OF NOTHING.
+
+PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting
+him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking,
+and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His
+friend answered, "Yes!"--"And what may it be?" asked Porson.
+"_Sixpence_!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the
+note."
+
+
+        MCXV.--THE RIGHT ORGAN.
+
+SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the
+organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The _barrel_-organ,"
+interrupted an auditor.
+
+
+        MCXVI.--MIND YOUR POINTS.
+
+A WRITER, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite
+passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing _a bolster full of rage and
+jealousy_, smothers her."
+
+
+        MCXVII.--REASONS FOR DRINKING.
+
+DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for
+drinking:--
+
+    "Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
+    Or lest you should be by and by,
+    Or any other reason why."
+
+
+        MCXVIII.--NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.
+
+AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house
+of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer
+ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock;
+may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"--"I
+don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white
+sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be
+_fleeced_."
+
+
+        MCXIX.--AN ODD OCCURRENCE.
+
+AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little
+absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have
+been _more_ women than men married this year."
+
+
+        MCXX.--A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.
+
+A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make
+some English verses, and seeing he put _teeth_ to rhyme with _feet_,
+told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles
+answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore
+this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that
+evasion, for that will make you an _owl_."
+
+
+        MCXXI.--NOSCE TE IPSUM.
+
+SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of
+Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the
+debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished
+to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed
+he, with great emphasis--"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a
+more _knavish fool_ than he?"--"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the
+troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the
+prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.
+
+
+        MCXXII.--VERA CANNIE.
+
+A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the
+plea, "_Marry_ for love, and _work_ for siller," replied, "It's a' vera
+true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D]
+breakfast."
+
+[C] Tinnie, the small porringer of children.
+
+[D] Insipid.
+
+
+        MCXXIII.--TIMELY AID.
+
+A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for
+alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound
+sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my
+present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit
+some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a
+shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam,"
+said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been _begging_ all
+day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to
+_work_!"
+
+
+        MCXXIV.--WHIST.
+
+MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named
+Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a
+deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on
+the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life,
+and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment
+he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "_What is trumps_?"
+
+
+        MCXXV.--HENRY ERSKINE.
+
+THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a
+barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences.
+Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the
+former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer,
+"I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to
+a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the
+first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a
+slight extravasation of blood."--"You may thank your lucky stars,"
+replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's _gate_ was not as _lofty_ as
+your _style_, or you must have broken your neck."
+
+
+        MCXXVI.--THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.
+
+    THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust,
+    Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.
+
+
+        MCXXVII.--TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.
+
+TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time
+the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still
+resembled only the "effigy of a man,"--said the stout gentleman, "Why,
+Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you
+last."--"And you," replied the other, "look as if you _had been at
+dinner ever since_."
+
+
+        MCXXVIII.--SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.
+
+AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood,
+who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can
+your mag t-t-talk yet?"--"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than _you_, or
+I'd wring his _head off_."
+
+
+        MCXXIX.--AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.
+
+THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one
+killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body
+they _found the chaplain_ of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr.
+----, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was
+discovered in this very inconvenient situation.
+
+
+        MCXXX.--CONSTANCY.
+
+CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the
+Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not _change_
+either till he comes back."
+
+
+        MCXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)
+
+    WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear
+      So lengthily his subject to pursue,
+    That listeners (out of patience) often fear
+      He has indeed _eternity in view_.
+
+
+        MCXXXII.--SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.
+
+MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The
+moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this,
+we would mention that the day before he _lost a Newfoundland dog_, that
+weighed sixty-eight pounds.
+
+
+        MCXXXIII.--BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.
+
+ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a
+duel in a _darkened room_. The Englishman, unwilling to take his
+antagonist's life, generously fired up the chimney, and--_brought down
+the Frenchman_. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the
+relator, "I make the _Englishman_ go up the chimney."
+
+
+        MCXXXIV.--A PERFECT BORE.
+
+SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was
+not "a _little_ tiresome?"--"Not at all," said he, "she was _perfectly_
+tiresome."
+
+
+        MCXXXV.--TOO CIVIL BY HALF.
+
+AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the
+close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of
+the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one
+of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "_I
+really beg his pardon_,--bring him in."
+
+
+        MCXXXVI.--"OUR LANDLADY."
+
+A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin,
+would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion:
+"Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off
+started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it _half_ a
+quartern _loaf_, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got
+across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard:
+"Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it _all gin_."
+
+
+        MCXXXVII.--THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.
+
+DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church,
+which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more
+convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct
+road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out
+of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the
+bridge."--"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church _in_ the
+way, that the people may not _go out of the way_."
+
+
+        MCXXXVIII.--SAVING TIME.
+
+A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a
+long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said,
+"Electors of G----, all that he has _said_ I will _do_."
+
+
+        MCXXXIX.--THE YOUNG IDEA.
+
+SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come,
+now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You
+won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell
+you. I didn't come here to _teach you_,--but for you to _teach me_."
+
+
+        MCXL.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    TWO Harveys had a mutual wish
+      To please in different stations;
+    For one excelled in _Sauce for Fish_,
+      And one in _Meditations_.
+    Each had its pungent power applied
+      To aid the dead and dying;
+    _This_ relishes a _sole_ when _fried_,
+      _That_ saves a _soul_ from _frying_.
+
+
+        MCXLI.--EPITAPHS.
+
+IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to
+the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single
+epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of
+Shakespeare,--the following being the whole,--_Exit Burbadge_.
+
+Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that
+excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,--"Good
+Knight."
+
+
+        MCXLII.--NATIONAL PREJUDICE.
+
+FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The
+Irish, sir, take us _all in_, and the Scotch turn us _all out_."
+
+
+        MCXLIII.--GRANDILOQUENCE.
+
+A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business
+be?"--"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is
+in a _very_ large way!"--"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume
+you are a cutter of _bungs_?"
+
+
+        MCXLIV.--THE LETTER C.
+
+CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the
+Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was
+Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she
+was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House,
+the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel;
+her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord
+Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of
+her accoucheur being Croft.
+
+
+        MCXLV.--PRACTICAL RETORT.
+
+IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one
+night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and
+hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on
+the stage, and _out-hissed_ the visitors.
+
+
+        MCXLVI.--AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.
+
+DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the
+Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone,
+having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he
+forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth
+immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or
+not; for nine of them have such _bad_ constitutions that all the
+physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so
+_good_ constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill
+them."
+
+
+        MCXLVII.--A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.
+
+    OWEN MOORE has run away,
+    Owing more than he can pay.
+
+
+        MCXLVIII.--LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.
+
+"HURRAH! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his
+father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at
+last."--"_Settled it_!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you
+that as _an annuity_ for your life."
+
+
+        MCXLIX.--A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.
+
+"AS you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging
+sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve
+you."--"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting
+for _all parishes_."
+
+
+        MCL.--PLAIN SPEAKING.
+
+GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his
+persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his
+opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther _done so_,"
+replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne
+of England."
+
+
+        MCLL.--THE PLURAL NUMBER.
+
+A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great
+promptness and simplicity, "_two-pence_."
+
+
+        MCLII.--MAULE-PRACTICE.
+
+A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was
+differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so
+with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive
+a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, _in
+writing_."
+
+
+        MCLIII.--VERY LIKELY.
+
+AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after
+suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his
+servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room,
+"None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very
+glad, for now you will have only _one boot_ to clean instead of _two_."
+
+
+        MCLIV.--MUCH ALIKE.
+
+A SAILOR was asked, "Where did your father die?"--"In a storm," answered
+the sailor. "And your grandfather?"--"He was drowned."--"And your
+great-grandfather?"--"He perished at sea."--"How, then," said the
+questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished
+there? You needs must be very rash."--"Master," replied the sailor, "do
+me the favor of telling me where your father died?"--"Very comfortably
+in a bed."--"And your forefathers?"--"In the same manner,--very quietly
+in their beds."--"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you
+_go to bed_, since all your ancestors died in it?"
+
+
+        MCLV.--A GOOD WIFE.
+
+A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets
+she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing
+all that _pleases_ him, and by enduring patiently all that _displeases_
+me."
+
+
+        MCLVI.--WELLINGTON SURPRISED.
+
+A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table,
+to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here
+titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo?" To which the duke
+responded, "No; but I am NOW."
+
+
+        MCLVII.--TOO CLEVER.
+
+A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself
+useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as
+country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for
+two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you _shook
+them_?"--"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the
+word.
+
+
+        MCLVIII.--A LIGHT JOKE.
+
+AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned
+down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at
+first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same
+evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact,
+"that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn _any
+longer_."
+
+
+        MCLIX.--A REBUKE.
+
+A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted
+that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier,
+"be careful the next time you run away, and don't _look back_."
+
+
+        MCLX.--A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.
+
+"BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?"--"He's a
+_philanthropist_, sir."--"A what?"--"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he
+collects money for Central America, and _builds houses_ out of the
+proceeds."
+
+
+        MCLXI.--GREAT CABBAGE.
+
+A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a
+suit of clothes. He replied, _twelve_ yards. Astonished at the quantity,
+he went to another, who said _seven_ would be quite sufficient. Not
+thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was
+against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask
+twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for
+seven?"--"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he
+has but _three_ children to clothe, I have _six_."
+
+
+        MCLXII.--TRUE AND FALSE.
+
+A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to
+whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, _Latin_. The fellow,
+shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the
+gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"--"Yes," replied
+the other, "a _poor one_ indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word
+of _Latin_."
+
+
+        MCLXIII.--NOT QUITE CORRECT.
+
+A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct
+in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day
+when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and
+asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great
+sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."--"Did you run him
+long?"--"They run him up-wards of five hours _successfully_."--"So then
+you _did_ kill him?"--"O no, sir; we lost him at last."
+
+
+        MCLXIV.--A FOOL CONFIRMED.
+
+DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once
+called a clergyman a _fool_, and there was probably some truth in his
+application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different
+opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so,"
+added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will _confirm_ you."
+
+
+        MCLXV.--PLEASANT.
+
+A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his
+operations satisfactory.
+
+
+        MCLXVI.--ALERE FLAMMAN.
+
+MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had
+just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell
+her, for she had other _irons in the fire_, and in case of its not being
+likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the
+doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you,
+madam, to put it where your _other irons_ are."
+
+
+        MCLXVII.--ORATORY.
+
+AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York
+Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the
+workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made,
+he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything
+that came uppermost, that he might observe how it could be heard. "Why
+then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you
+these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do
+you mean to pay us?"--"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray
+come down; I have _heard_ quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very
+distinctly, though I don't much _admire your subject_."
+
+
+        MCLXVIII.--SOLDIERS' WIVES.
+
+THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a
+new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation.
+"But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal
+highness, as she is _a soldier's wife_, and these people are generally
+_loose characters_!"--"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just
+entered the room, "_a soldier's wife_! Pray, madam, _what is your
+mistress_? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."
+
+
+        MCLXIX.--NO JOKE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a
+board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the
+notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these
+Grounds";--but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he
+caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,--"NO JOKE,
+BY THE LORD HARRY!" which had the desired effect.
+
+
+        MCLXX.--A GOOD LIKENESS.
+
+A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to
+charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen
+his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the
+non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was _so like
+you_."
+
+
+        MCLXXI.--CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.
+
+GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was
+induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the
+acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at
+the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his
+old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed,
+but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the _cuttee_. "I
+recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I
+shall be most happy to become acquainted _with you again_."
+
+
+        MCLXXII.--VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.
+
+AT a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife improperly in
+eating. At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor L----'s sad
+affair? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he
+suddenly took up the knife, and----" "Good heavens!" interposed one of
+the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?"--"Why no," answered the
+relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife; but we all expected
+he would, for he actually _put it up to his mouth_."
+
+
+        MCLXXIII.--IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING.
+
+THEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club,
+inquired when they met. "Every Saturday evening during the winter," was
+the answer. "Evening? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix,
+_for I can't rise from the fire_."
+
+
+        MCLXXIV.--A GOOD APPETITE.
+
+A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said
+he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" "Ah, my lord, as
+for loins, not many; five or six at most."--"And how many legs of
+mutton?"--"Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many; seven or eight,
+perhaps."--"And fatted pullets?"--"Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not
+many; not more than a dozen."--"And pigeons?"--"Ah, as for pigeons, not
+many; perhaps forty--fifty at most--according to appetite."--"And
+larks?"--"Ah, as for that, my lord--little larks--_for ever_, my
+lord--_for ever_!"
+
+
+        MCLXXV.--SHORT-SIGHTED.
+
+DEAN COWPER, of Durham, who was very economical of his wine, descanting
+one day on the extraordinary performance of a man who was blind,
+remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle."--"I
+do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for _we_ have
+seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon."
+
+
+        MCLXXVI.--AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE.
+
+A'BECKETT once said, "It seems that anything likely to have an _annual
+increase_ is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of
+this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity?"
+
+
+        MCLXXVI I.--TRUTH _versus_ POLITENESS.
+
+AT a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was
+presiding "Hoped the tea was good."--"Very good, indeed, madam," was the
+general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who,
+between truth and politeness observed, "That the _tea_ was _excellent_,
+but the _water_ was _smoky_!"
+
+
+        MCLXXVIII.--A NEW VIEW.
+
+SOME people have a notion that villany ought to be _exposed_, though we
+must confess we think it a thing that deserves a _hiding_.
+
+
+        MCLXXIX.--THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN.
+
+A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said
+that if _one_ side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the
+_other_ would stay behind.
+
+[This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in
+Hudibras,--
+
+    "For Hudibras wore but one spur;
+    As wisely knowing, could he stir
+    To active trot one side of 's horse," &c.]
+
+
+        MCLXXX.--A PHILOSOPHICAL REASON.
+
+A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered,
+"_Unum contrarium expellit alterum_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXI.--A PLAY UPON WORDS.
+
+A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game
+unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being
+asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring
+to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and
+confess that I was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told
+you, but I can bring the whole parish to prove that, for the last thirty
+years, it has been my _manner_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXII.--JEMMY GORDON.
+
+JEMMY GORDON, the well-known writer of many a _theme_ and _declamation_
+for _varmint-men_, alias _non-reading_ Cantabs, having been complimented
+by an acquaintance on the result of one of his _themes_, to which the
+prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, "It is
+no great credit to be first in an _ass-race_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXIII.--SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN.
+
+SWIFT was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his
+chair, said, with a conceited and confident air, "I would have you to
+know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit."--"Do you, indeed," replied the
+Dean; "Then take my advice, and _sit down again_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXIV.--A SETTLED POINT.
+
+"A REFORMED Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, "will
+never do for this country."--"No! but an _unreformed_ would, and that
+quickly," replied a bystander.
+
+
+        MCLXXXV.--JOLLY COMPANIONS.
+
+A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the
+jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings,
+and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct. One of his
+elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a
+witness against him. "Well, John, did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C----
+the worse of drink?"--"Weel, a wat no; I've monyatime seen him the
+better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't."--"But did you never see
+him drunk?"--"That's what I'll ne'er see; for before he be _half
+slockened_, I'm ay' _blind fu'_."
+
+
+        MCLXXXVI.--PAYING IN KIND.
+
+A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied
+with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a
+small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedroom. In
+the morning, finding he was charged 2s. in his bill for wax candles,
+instead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he _gave to each a wax
+candle_.
+
+
+        MCLXXXVII.--A FULL HOUSE.
+
+"WHAT plan," said an actor to another, "shall I adopt to fill the house
+at my benefit?"--"_Invite your creditors_," was the surly reply.
+
+
+        MCLXXXVIII.--RATHER THE WORST HALF.
+
+ON one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his
+mother that a schoolfellow who slept with him took up half the bed. "And
+why not?" said the mother; "he's entitled to half, isn't he!"--"Yes,
+mother," rejoined her son; "but how would you like to have him take out
+all the soft for his half? He will have _his_ half out of the middle,
+and I have to sleep _both_ sides of him!"
+
+
+        MCLXXXIX.--FORCE OF HABIT.
+
+A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of
+Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report
+the state of her health, how she had slept, &c., with strict injunctions
+_always_ to add, "with her compliments." At length, one morning the girl
+brought this extraordinary message: "Miss S----'s _compliments_, and she
+de'ed last night at aicht o'clock!"
+
+
+        MCXC.--A WONDERFUL SIGHT.
+
+A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair,
+to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a
+lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said he to a messmate,
+who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next
+year they were to carry about a _sailor and a marine living peaceably
+together_!"--"Aye," said his married companion, "or a _man and wife_."
+
+
+        MCXCI.--BURKE AND FOX.
+
+MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented
+his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord
+Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I
+declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of
+the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and,
+should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought
+to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is
+the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of
+my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of
+John Zisca, it should be converted _into a drum_, and used for the
+purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England."
+
+
+        MCXCII.--TRYING TO THE TEMPER.
+
+LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: "I never
+put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the
+blade."--"No doubt of it," replied Rogers; "show me the blade that is
+_not out of temper_ when plunged into _hot water_."
+
+
+        MCXCIII.--HAVING A CALL.
+
+MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the
+country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was
+expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of
+refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in
+_exercises_, and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied,
+"I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye
+can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in
+the prayer when I hear the _haam fizzin'_."
+
+
+        MCXCIV.--A WILL AND AWAY.
+
+IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of
+a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his
+younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by
+the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he,
+"it's the will; I'm ordered to _divide_ the house betune myself and my
+brother, so I've taken the _inside_ and given him the _outside_."
+
+
+        MCXCV.--A WINDY MINISTER.
+
+IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest
+operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much
+laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for
+the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants
+in prayer as follows:--"Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin'
+wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive
+words than these could not be found in any language.
+
+
+        MCXCVI.--READY RECKONER.
+
+THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in
+Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that
+some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they
+were met with the curt reply: "Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send
+you half-a-dozen _pay sergeants_ that will,"--a hint that they did not
+fail to take.
+
+
+        MCXCVII.--A "DISTANT" FRIEND.
+
+MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, "You have lost some of
+your friends, I see?"--"Yes, massa."--"Was it a near or a distant
+relative?"--"Well, purty distant,--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the
+reply.
+
+
+        MCXCVIII.--TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.
+
+    "HO! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade,
+    "The ministry are to be _changed_, it is said."
+    "That's good," replied Tom, "but it better would be
+    With a trifling erratum."--"What?"--"Dele the _c_."
+
+
+        MCXCIX.--A NAMELESS MAN.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the
+delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. "My name," replied
+the man, "is the same as my father's."--"And what is his name?" said the
+gentleman. "It is the same as mine."--"Then what are both your
+names?"--"Why, they _are both alike_," answered the man again, and very
+deliberately walked off.
+
+
+        MCC.--AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.
+
+BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I
+like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--_I can't get
+over your nose_!"--"No wonder, madam," replied he, "the bridge is gone!"
+
+
+        MCCI.--NON COMPOS.
+
+IT is remarkable that ---- is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition,
+though the _very little piece_ of mind he possesses is proverbial.
+
+
+        MCCII.--TOO LIBERAL.
+
+A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of
+distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you
+have done it so profusely that you have _left none_ for yourself."
+
+
+        MCCIII.--A LITTLE RAIN.
+
+    HOW monarchs die is easily explained,
+      For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled;
+    As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned,
+      And then he _mizzled_!
+
+
+        MCCIV.--TRUE DIGNITY.
+
+P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's
+house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before him.
+"Pass, sir," said the master of the house, "it is only Mr. P----, the
+author."--"As my rank is mentioned," cried P., "I shall claim the
+preference"; and accordingly took the lead.
+
+
+        MCCV.--HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY.
+
+DR. MEAD, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted
+with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient
+rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah!" said the doctor,
+shaking his head, "this Madeira will never do; it is the cause of all
+your suffering."--"Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill your
+glass, for now we have found out _the cause_, the sooner _we get rid of
+it_ the better."
+
+
+        MCCVI.--SEVERE.
+
+A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called "_she_." The
+son of Neptune replied that it was "because the _rigging_ cost more than
+the hull."
+
+
+        MCCVII.--NO SACRIFICE.
+
+A LINEN-DRAPER having advertised his stock to be sold under _prime
+cost_, a neighbor observed that, "It was impossible, as he had never
+_paid a farthing for it himself_."
+
+
+        MCCVIII.--SHARP BOY.
+
+A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him
+he should never _defer_ till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The
+little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the
+plum-pudding _to-night_."
+
+
+        MCCIX.--EARLY BIRDS OF PREY.
+
+A MERCHANT having been attacked by some thieves at five in the
+afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you _open shop early_ to-day."
+
+
+        MCCX.--JUDGMENT.
+
+JAMES THE SECOND, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet,
+and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the loss of his
+sight a _judgment_ upon him for what he had written against his father,
+Charles the First. Milton answered, "If your Highness think my loss of
+sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing
+his head?"
+
+
+        MCCXI.--ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED.
+
+    IT sounds like paradox,--and yet 'tis true,
+    You're like your picture, though it's not like you.
+
+
+        MCCXII.--RATHER A-CURATE.
+
+IT is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in
+their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they
+have gone many steps, they may be said to be _past a_ CURE.
+
+
+        MCCXIII.--MONEY'S WORTH.
+
+A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the
+advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue _an
+advantage_ over an honest man," was the reply.
+
+
+        MCCXIV.--THE RICHMOND HOAX.
+
+ONE of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert
+Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond
+before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly
+desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor"--those
+cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated.
+The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, "What do you mean by 'maids of
+honor?'"--"Dear me!" said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly
+a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette, that
+everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace?
+What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor;
+a capon is called a lord chamberlain; a goose is a lord steward; a
+roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the
+bedchamber; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod; and
+so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in, when she actually saw the
+maids of honor make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes; she
+convulsed the whole party by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in
+a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a _gentleman usher of the black
+rod_, if they had one in the house quite cold!
+
+
+        MCCX.V.--LORD CHATHAM.
+
+LORD CHATHAM had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view,
+and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken
+immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on
+the impossibility of obeying them. He found his lordship in the most
+excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had
+ever experienced. "Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of
+impossibilities": and then, raising himself upon his legs, while the
+sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his
+body was convulsed with agony, "Go, sir, and tell his lordship, that he
+has to do with a minister who actually _treads_ on impossibilities."
+
+
+        MCCXVI.--"I CAN GET THROUGH."
+
+IN the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated
+windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the
+gates were locked, taken the liberty of passing, without an _exeat_, in
+rather a novel style. A certain Cantab was in the act of drawing himself
+through the bars, and being more than an ordinary mortal's bulk, he
+stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college passing, stepped up to the
+student and asked him ironically, "If he should assist him?"--"Thank
+you," was the reply, "_I can get through_!" at the same instant he drew
+himself back on the outside.
+
+
+        MCCXVII.--MAKING FREE.
+
+FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters
+sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the
+post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been _charged_.
+He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his
+handwriting. "It was not," he replied, "_precisely_ the same; but the
+truth is, I happened to be a _little tipsy_ when I franked
+them."--"Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write _drunk_
+when you make _free_?"
+
+
+        MCCXVIII.--FICTION AND TRUTH.
+
+WALLER, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric
+on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of
+Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the
+king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that
+he wrote a better on Cromwell. "Please your majesty," said Waller, like
+a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy in _fiction_ than in
+_truth_."
+
+
+        MCCXIX.--A TAVERN DINNER.
+
+A PARTY of _bon-vivants_, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang
+for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared
+so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest)
+that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been
+drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor
+forgets the three gentlemen _under the table_."
+
+
+        MCCXX.--A FULL STOP.
+
+A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him.
+One old aunt, in particular, visited him _twice_ a year, and stayed _six
+months_ each time.
+
+
+        MCCXXI.--FAT AND LEAN.
+
+A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that,
+though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. "I have seen
+the time," said another, "when it made you lean,"--"When? I should be
+glad to know," inquired the eulogist. "Why, no longer ago than last
+night,--_against a wall_."
+
+
+        MCCXXII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.
+
+JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his
+retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at
+the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After
+eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant
+retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to
+only three shillings and sixpence, English, and rode off. A few hours
+afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican,
+understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. "Psha! psha!
+man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such
+adventures, and will think no more of it."--"But I _shall_" replied the
+landlord; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my
+house, and letting him off for _three and sixpence_."
+
+
+        MCCXXIII.--NICKNAMES.
+
+JOHN MAGEE, formerly the printer of the _Dublin Evening Post_, was full
+of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instituted
+against him by the government, and many "keen encounters of the tongue"
+took place on these occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel,
+who was at that period Chief Justice of the King's Bench. In addressing
+the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some
+public character, who was better known by a familiar designation. The
+official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed; and he, with bilious
+asperity, reproved the printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no
+nicknames in this court,"---"Very well, _John Scott_," was the reply.
+
+
+        MCCXXIV.--A CALCULATION.
+
+AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his
+papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to
+Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum:
+"Accepted by Bingley, set for, and thrown out of, the _North Briton_,
+21st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death:--
+
+  Lost by his death on this essay     L 1 11 6
+  Gained in elegies                     2  2 0
+  Gained in essays                      3  3 0
+  Am glad he is dead by                 3 13 6."
+
+Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously
+vindicated by Southey, in the _Quarterly Review_.
+
+
+        MCCXXV.--ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE.
+
+    I WOULD not pay a coin to see
+        An animal much larger;
+    Surely the mammoth horse must be
+        Rather an _overcharger_.
+
+
+        MCCXXVI.--NOTHING BUT HEBREW.
+
+A CANTAB chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated
+some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with him.
+The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to
+share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand.
+This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his
+learning, as it proved to be in _Latin_. The Cantab immediately declined
+the offer by saying, "Sir, I read nothing but _Hebrew_!"
+
+
+        MCCXXVII.--A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.
+
+WHEN Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one
+evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the
+butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye
+buy?" Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want
+anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's
+figure, exclaimed, "Only _say_ you buy your meat of me, sir, and you
+will make my fortune."
+
+
+        MCCXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.
+
+AN Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion,
+completely silenced by a horse-dealer. "Pray, Mr. ----, you belong to a
+very honest profession?"--"I can't say so," replied the witness; "for,
+saving you _lawyers_, I think it the _most dishonest going_."
+
+
+        MCCXXIX.--SERVANTS.
+
+IT was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep _one_
+servant your work will be done; if you keep _two_, it will be half done;
+and if you keep _three_, you will have to do it yourself.
+
+
+        MCCXXX.--PLAIN ENOUGH.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the
+presence of Foote, the latter said: "And why don't you lay claim to such
+an accomplished beauty?"--"What right have I to her?" exclaimed the
+gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied Foote; "every
+right, as the _first discoverer_."
+
+
+        MCCXXXI.--A POSER.
+
+AT Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government
+House, over which no one was permitted to pass. Not a creature was
+allowed to approach, save the General's cow. One day old Lady D----,
+having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her
+steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out,
+and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D----, with a stately air,
+"do you know who I am?"--"I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the
+immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the _General's
+cow_." So Lady D---- wisely gave up the argument, and went the other
+way.
+
+
+        MCCXXXII.--TRUE CRITICISM.
+
+A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was
+asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. "I always give a candid
+one," said her guest, "where eating and drinking are concerned. _It is
+admirable stuff to catch flies_."
+
+
+        MCCXXXIII.--ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG.
+
+THE British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their allowance
+of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his
+command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the
+sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very unpopular among
+them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason
+they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor
+he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name of
+_grog_.
+
+
+        MCCXXXIV.--WELL SAID.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his
+daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well; but she who
+does not marry, does better."--"Well then," said the young lady, "I will
+_do well_; let those who choose _do better_."
+
+
+        MCCXXXV.--SLEEPING AT CHURCH.
+
+DR. SOUTH, when once preaching before Charles II., observed that the
+monarch and his attendants began to nod, and some of them soon after
+snored, on which he broke off in his sermon, and said: "Lord Lauderdale,
+let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will
+_awake the king_!"
+
+
+        MCCXXXVI.--SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL.
+
+LORD BYRON notes: "What a wreck is Sheridan! and all from bad pilotage;
+for no one had ever better gales, though now and then a little squally.
+Poor dear Sherry! I shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, and
+Moore, and I passed together, when _he_ talked and we listened, without
+one yawn, from six to one in the morning."
+
+One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of
+that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and
+bewildered, and almost insensible. The watchman asked, "Who are you,
+sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?"
+Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron
+notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?--and, to my mind, excellent. Poor
+fellow! _his_ very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of
+others."
+
+
+        MCCXXXVII.--THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.
+
+VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one
+day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir
+Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing
+in the world."--"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is
+another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is
+that you will _live_ a beggar, at the rate you go on."
+
+
+        MCCXXXVIII.--QUID PRO QUO.
+
+A WORTHY Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and
+universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in
+Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony,
+the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition
+wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on
+a steed of a different description, and passing near a Seceding
+meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual
+kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's
+come o' the auld Pyet?"--"He's deid, minister."--"Weel, he was an auld
+faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the
+Church?"--"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this
+allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he
+_turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast_." He then
+rode quietly away.
+
+
+        MCCXXXIX.--CREDIT.
+
+AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's
+description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his
+tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence
+on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of
+debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is _respectable to be arrested_,
+because it shows that the party once had credit.
+
+
+        MCCXL.--SEEING NOT BELIEVING.
+
+A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins
+together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they _kill you_?"
+
+
+        MCCXLI.--SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.
+
+A BON-VIVANT, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine,
+after having been told that he could not in all human probability
+survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted
+the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said,
+with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I
+_live till nine_!"
+
+
+        MCCXLII.--BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.
+
+THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men
+that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much
+as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years
+of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once
+dispersed the house, a circumstance which procured him the nickname of
+the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he
+was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is
+the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr.
+Burke _is up_."
+
+
+        MCCXLIII.--VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.
+
+IT appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas,
+not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was
+speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you
+mean?"--"Dr. John Thomas."--"They are both named John."--"Dr. Thomas who
+has a living in the city."--"They have both livings in the city."--"Dr.
+Thomas who is chaplain to the king."--"They are both chaplains to the
+king."--"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."--"They are both good
+preachers."--"Dr. Thomas who squints."--"They both squint." They were
+afterwards both Bishops.
+
+
+        MCCXLIV.--FORTUNATE STARS.
+
+    "MY stars!" cried a courtier, with stars and lace twirled,
+    "What homage we nobles command in the world!"
+    "True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars,
+    _Some people_ owe much to their _fortunate stars_!"
+
+
+        MCCXLV.--A NEW READING.
+
+TOWARDS the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was
+talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations
+of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace
+the following passage:--
+
+    "Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti:
+    Tempus abire tibi est."
+
+"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"--"I
+think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to
+it?"--"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be
+_bribe-isti_ in your Horace."
+
+
+        MCCXLVI.--QUITE AT EASE.
+
+FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend
+who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him;
+but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is
+hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and
+hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied,
+"Thank you, my lord: you know _the company_ better than I do."
+
+
+        MCCXLVII.--CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.
+
+IN cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree, that he
+rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort.
+Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself.
+Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to
+rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief,
+"Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever _try a clean shirt_?"
+
+
+        MCCXLVIII.--CLEARING EMIGRANTS.
+
+AN Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his
+sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something
+more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so
+engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land,
+_trees and all_."
+
+
+        MCCXLIX.--PARLIAMENTARY CASE.
+
+BISHOP ANDREWS, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall,
+was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James
+was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale,
+Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I
+take my subjects' _money_ when I want it, without all this formality in
+Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "God forbid, sir, but you
+should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to
+the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"--"Sir,"
+replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary
+cases."--"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord;
+answer me presently."--"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for
+you to take my _brother Neale's money_, for he offers it."
+
+
+        MCCL.--OUTLINE OF AN AMBASSADOR.
+
+WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
+to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether
+the French government had sent the _preliminaries_ of a treaty,
+answered, "he did not know, but they had sent _the outline of an
+ambassador_."
+
+
+        MCCLI.--NATURE AND ART.
+
+A WORTHY English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the
+Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye
+caught up the names of its--to him--unknown dishes: "Soupe a la
+flamande"--"Soupe a la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquee"--"Pieds de
+Cochon a la Ste. Menehould"--"Pates de sanglier"--"Pates a la gelee de
+volailles"--"Les cannelons de creme glacee." It was too much for his
+simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried
+to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first
+principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"
+
+
+        MCCLII.--A COMPARISON.
+
+IT is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,--the less
+they have in them, the _more noise_ they make in pouring it out.
+
+
+        MCCLIII.--THE SNUFF-BOX.
+
+AT a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly
+admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather
+difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor
+Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer,
+and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness,
+"Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is _not
+an oyster_."
+
+
+        MCCLIV.--NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.
+
+LORD PLUNKET is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the
+Irish Chancellorship, and his _supersedeas_ by Lord Campbell. A violent
+tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend
+remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have
+made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it
+won't make him _throw up the seals_."
+
+
+        MCCLV.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.
+
+ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers who came on board his ship for
+instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was
+both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_
+approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a _good fire_."
+
+
+        MCCLVI.--GETTING A LIVING.
+
+THE late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the
+same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped
+over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his
+attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good
+living that falls to my disposal; had he _stopped_ to have taken care of
+me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor
+similar to his own, or with a spirit that would _not stoop to flatter_.
+
+
+        MCCLVII.--GOOD EYES.
+
+A MAN of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a
+pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to _see_
+her talk."
+
+
+        MCCLVIII.--INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.
+
+A SOLDIER, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people
+running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can
+assure you nothing will be done _without me_."
+
+
+        MCCLIX.--A LAST RESOURCE.
+
+VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John
+Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what
+he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John.
+"That I can do," answered the duke, "when _I am ruined_."
+
+
+        MCCLX.--A DULL MAN.
+
+LORD BYRON knew a dull man who lived on a _bon mot_ of Moore's for a
+week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that
+the reciter was _guiltless_ of understanding its point; but he could get
+no one to accept the bet.
+
+
+        MCCLXI.--WHITE TEETH.
+
+PROFESSOR SAUNDERSON, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the
+University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics,
+was _quite blind_. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked
+of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very _white teeth_.
+The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was
+very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the
+lady is not a _fool_, and I can think of no other motive for her
+laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."
+
+
+        MCCLXII.--A PLEASANT PARTNER.
+
+A FARMER having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who
+neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn,
+and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so
+useless a way, adding, "You had better do _something_ with it, as you
+see I have done."--"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man
+has a right to do what he will with his own, and _you_ have done so; but
+I have made up my mind about my part of the property,--I shall set it on
+fire."
+
+
+        MCCLXIII.--TWO CARRIAGES.
+
+TWO ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy
+brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are
+to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a
+coach."--"Very true, miss," said the other, "and _you_ are to consider
+that he likewise keeps a _dray_."
+
+
+        MCCLXIV.--EXCUSABLE FEAR.
+
+A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by
+a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."--"It is not _she_ I am afraid
+of," replied the husband, "it is _the noise_."
+
+
+        MCCLXV.--COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.
+
+THELWALL and Coleridge were sitting once in a beautiful recess in the
+Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine
+place to _talk_ treason in!"--"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is
+rather a place to make a man _forget_ that there is any necessity for
+treason!"
+
+
+        MCCLXVI.--A FLASH OF WIT.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a
+friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist:
+"Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His
+enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he
+talked rather too much; but now he has _occasional flashes of silence,
+that make his conversation perfectly delightful_!"
+
+
+        MCCLXVII.--LOST AND FOUND.
+
+THE ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly
+agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons
+were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always _finds 'em
+agin_ the next day."
+
+
+        MCCLXVIII.--A MILITARY AXIOM.
+
+AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the
+expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when
+reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always _quarter_ upon the enemy,
+my lads; always _quarter_ upon the enemy."
+
+
+        MCCLXIX.--A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.
+
+THAT erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being
+much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great
+vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with
+great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"--"Faith," said the
+king, in a tone more _piano_ than that of the orator, "nobody that is
+within the reach of _that fist of yours_."
+
+
+        MCCLXX.--NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.
+
+DR. THOMAS BROWN courted a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully,
+during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health
+before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a
+gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady,
+your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I
+cannot make her _Brown_, so I'll toast her no longer."
+
+
+        MCCLXXI.--AN ODD NOTION.
+
+A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service,
+inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"--"Please, ma'am, I don't
+_live nowhere_ now," rejoined the girl; "_I am married_!"
+
+
+        MCCLXXII.--A SURE TAKE.
+
+AN old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend
+riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir,"
+replied the other, "I am riding _after my eighty-fourth year_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXIII.--MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.
+
+MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites
+had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington
+Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a
+like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the
+Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr.
+Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,--who left the _Fox_ to go
+over to the _Goose_, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."
+
+
+        MCCLXXIV.--DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.
+
+"IF I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I
+would certainly by all means make him a _parson_." A clergyman who was
+in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from _your
+father_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXV.--ORTHOGRAPHY.
+
+THE laird of M'N----b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh
+coffee-house, when a friend observed that he was setting at defiance
+the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed
+the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man _write grammar_ with a pen
+like this?"
+
+
+        MCCLXXVI.--A SHORT JOURNEY.
+
+"ZOUNDS, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very
+phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."--"Well,
+you won't have _far to go_," said the phlegmatic man.
+
+
+        MCCLXXVII.--LORD HOWE.
+
+ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the
+middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him
+with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If
+that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we
+shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger,
+and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be
+afraid, the fire is extinguished."--"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do
+you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the
+lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir,
+when he is afraid? I need not ask how _he looks_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXVIII.--RATHER ETHEREAL.
+
+DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the
+possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle,
+who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him,
+"Doctor, where am I to bait at in the _upward_ journey?"--"My lady,"
+replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected
+that question from you; who have built so many _castles in the air_ that
+you might lie every night at one of _your own_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXIX.--HENRY VIII.
+
+THIS monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to
+get another wife. His first offer was to the Duchess Dowager of Milan;
+but her answer was, "She had but _one_ head; if she had _two_, one
+should have been at his service."
+
+
+        MCCLXXX.--MELODRAMATIC HIT.
+
+BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of
+the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a
+joke from Sheridan.--"The gentleman has brought us the _knife_, but
+where is the _fork_?"
+
+
+        MCCLXXXI.--A LONG ILLNESS.
+
+A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of
+the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of
+a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two
+country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll,
+one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he;
+"but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a
+fever _these three weeks_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXII.--DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.
+
+"HOW long is this loch?"
+
+"It will be about twanty mile."
+
+"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"
+
+"Maybe it will be twelve."
+
+"It does not really seem more than four."
+
+"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."
+
+"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."
+
+"Troth, I _canna say I do_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXIII.--WHAT'S IN A NAME?
+
+SOON after Lord ----'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors
+were often very ridiculous in the _titles_ they gave. "That," said a
+distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns
+appear _not to be exempt_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXIV.--TILLOTSON.
+
+WHO was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of
+the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more
+time upon it, it would not have been _so long_!"
+
+
+        MCCLXXXV.--IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.
+
+SOME clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the
+love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach
+of promise," as the ink _fades away_, and leaves the sheet blank, in
+about four weeks after being written upon.
+
+
+        MCCLXXXVI.--CHIN-SURVEYING.
+
+A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above
+the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain
+barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular
+settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account,
+carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to
+31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made
+some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer
+thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was
+readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches
+proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would
+measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s.
+1d.--being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of _chin-surveying_.
+
+
+        MCCLXXXVII.--CHANGING HATS.
+
+BARRY the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were
+extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were
+about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him.
+Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain
+one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by
+Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the
+truth, my dear Joey," answered Barry, "I fully expected assassination
+last night; and I was to have been known by _my laced hat_." Nollekens
+used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would
+call a true bill against Jem."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXVIII.--POWDER WITHOUT BALL.
+
+DR. GOODALL, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of
+Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst
+congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball
+during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused
+the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you
+see you can get the powder out of the _cannon_, but not the _ball_."
+
+
+        MCCLXXXIX.--POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.
+
+DURING Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between
+his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging
+each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper
+prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I
+only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore,
+all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death
+to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:--
+
+    'Dunces rejoice, forgive all censures past,
+    The _greatest dunce_ has killed your foe at last.'"
+
+
+        MCCXC.--OPPOSITE TEMPERS.
+
+GENERAL SUTTON was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir
+Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found his servant shaving
+him. During the conversation, Sir Robert said, "John, you cut me"; and
+continued the former subject of discourse. Presently he said again,
+"John, you cut me"; but as mildly as before: and soon after he had
+occasion to say it a third time; when Sutton, starting up in a rage,
+said, swearing a great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, "If
+Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot; and if you cut him once more, John,
+_I'll knock you down_."
+
+
+        MCCXCI.--A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION.
+
+A WOMAN having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her,
+proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The
+bystanders asked him if he was mad,--she could not have gone against the
+stream. The man answered, "She was _obstinate_ and _contrary_ in her
+life, and no doubt she was the _same at her death_."
+
+
+        MCCXCII.--A QUEER EXPRESSION.
+
+A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of
+the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga,
+said, "Mr. ----, your gown is very short."--"It will be long enough,
+sir, before I get another," replied the student. The answer tickled the
+Professor greatly, and he went on quietly chuckling to himself, when he
+met a brother Professor, who, noticing his hilarity, inquired what was
+amusing him so much. "Why, that fellow ---- said such a funny thing. I
+asked why his gown was so short, and he said, 'it will be a long time
+before I get another.'"--"There's nothing very funny in that."--"Well,
+no," replied the other, "there is not, after all. But _it was the way he
+said it_."
+
+
+        MCCXCIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S NOTION OF DISCOUNT.
+
+IT chanced, one gloomy day in the month of December, that a good-humored
+Irishman applied to a merchant to discount a bill of exchange for him at
+rather a long though not an unusual date; and the merchant having
+casually remarked that the bill had a great many days to run, "That's
+true," replied the Irishman, "but consider how _short the days are_ at
+this time of the year."
+
+
+        MCCXCIV.--A PARTICIPATION IN A PRACTICAL JOKE.
+
+SOME unlucky lads in the University bearing a spite to the dean for his
+severity towards them, went secretly one night and daubed the rails of
+his staircase with tar. The dean coming down in the dark, dirtied his
+hands and coat very much with the tar; and, being greatly enraged, he
+sent for one most suspected to be the author. This the lad utterly
+denied; but said, "Truly, I did it not; but if you please, I can tell
+you who had _a hand in it_." Here they thought to have found out the
+truth, and asked him who. The lad answered, "_Your worship, sir_"; which
+caused him to be dismissed with great applause for his ingenuity.
+
+
+        MCCXCV.--INGRATITUDE.
+
+WHEN Lord B---- died, a person met an old man who was one of his most
+intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was
+trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not
+affect me so much as his horrible ingratitude. Would you believe it? he
+died without leaving me anything in his will,--I, who have _dined with
+him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years_!"
+
+
+        MCCXCVI.--A PREFIX.
+
+WHEN Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the
+administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met
+him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the
+crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of
+his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their
+titles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself
+_Silly-Bubb_!"
+
+
+        MCCXCVII.--A GOOD MIXTURE.
+
+AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order
+to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with _brains_, sir!"
+was his answer.
+
+
+        MCCXCVIII.--SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.
+
+IN the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman _patera_, or goblet,
+in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I
+purchased this" (says he) "at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous
+sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an
+antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However,
+I was almost consoled for the bitter price it cost by the amusement I
+derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to
+purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the
+antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the _patera_ this
+good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated
+astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone
+which I shall never forget,--'Five-an-twenty guineas! _If the
+parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for_!'"
+
+
+        MCCXCIX.--HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.
+
+HORNE TOOKE having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and
+Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it
+my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of
+his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it
+may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in
+my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that _you shall
+have no ground_ to complain of my endeavors to serve you."
+
+
+        MCCC.--A LITERARY RENDERING.
+
+A SCOTCH lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding
+visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room,
+and no doubt used the Scotticism, "_Carry_ any ladies that call up
+stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show
+his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together,
+and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there
+till _I come for ye_," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances,
+ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this
+unwonted fashion.
+
+
+        MCCCI.--TEMPERANCE CRUETS.
+
+THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club,
+restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was
+designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William
+Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man,
+observing Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with
+contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those
+_life-preservers_!"
+
+
+        MCCCII.--DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUCUMBER.
+
+DR. GLYNN, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in
+attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty
+of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating _cucumber_, of which she
+was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for
+dressing them: "Peel the cucumber," said the doctor, "with great care;
+then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and
+then--_throw it away_."
+
+
+        MCCCIII.--"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"
+
+CAPTAIN INNES of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his
+contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of
+those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding
+officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new
+one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith
+there'll soon be mair _hats_ nor _heads_."
+
+
+        MCCCIV.--SEVERE REBUKE.
+
+SIR WILLIAM B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were
+objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer,
+"do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges
+in each university?"--"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I
+had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the
+_more he sucked_ the _greater calf_ he grew."
+
+
+        MCCCV.--HORSES TO GRASS.
+
+IN an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on
+the following terms:--
+
+  Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week.
+  Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.
+
+On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered, that the
+horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while
+eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads
+_from the manger_.
+
+
+        MCCCVI.--INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.
+
+WHEN the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied
+Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambaceres, one of the most
+distinguished statesmen and _gourmets_ of the time of Napoleon. In the
+course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly
+_recherche_ dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very
+good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very
+good, but I really do not care what I eat."--"Don't care what you eat!"
+exclaimed Cambaceres, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what
+_did_ you come here for, then!"
+
+
+        MCCCVII.--VERY TRUE.
+
+"ALL that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is
+_confidence_."
+
+
+        MCCCVIII.--A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.
+
+A JEW, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and
+was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When
+informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the
+cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why
+he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he
+could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other_ gentleman's clothes."
+
+
+        MCCCIX.--ST. PETER A BACHELOR.
+
+IN the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is
+reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new
+foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed
+to _Peter and Mary's_; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr.
+Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too
+long a _bachelor_ to think of a female companion in his old days."
+
+
+        MCCCX.--TRUE OF BOTH.
+
+"I SWEAR," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very
+handsome."--"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not
+think so."--"And so you would _think_," answered he, "though I should
+not _say so_."
+
+
+        MCCCXI.--A POSER.
+
+A LECTURER, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a
+lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do
+when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't
+you?"--"O no!" replied the little one, "_we let out the tucks_!" The
+doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.
+
+
+        MCCCXII.--VERY APPROPRIATE.
+
+A FACETIOUS old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much
+time in hunting and shooting, styled them _Nimrod_ and _Ramrod_.
+
+
+        MCCCXIII.--A BAD JUDGE.
+
+UPON the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of
+Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord
+Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little
+stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red;
+nearly as red as you, _Hill_!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret
+complexion.
+
+
+        MCCCXIV.--WHITE HANDS.
+
+IN a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said,
+"Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as
+usual."--"_Put on your gloves_, madam," replied the butcher, "and you
+will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home
+immediately.
+
+
+        MCCCXV.--TRUE TO THE LETTER.
+
+IT may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs
+no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties, but there is no
+employment which requires such constant _application_.
+
+
+        MCCCXVI.--SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.
+
+SCOTT is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical
+knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth,"
+which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former
+title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the
+kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that
+Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his
+suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and
+down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am _all but_ the author of the
+Waverley Novels!"
+
+
+        MCCCXVII.--TRUE PHILOSOPHY.
+
+LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his
+deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a
+great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my
+pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, _I defy_ you all.'"
+
+
+        MCCCXVIII.--ANSWERED AT ONCE.
+
+A SCOTCH clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is _the
+price_ of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily
+from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a
+dozen!"
+
+
+        MCCCXIX.--A DEADLY WEAPON.
+
+"WELL, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have
+_mauled_ my antagonist to some purpose?"--"O yes," replied a listener,
+"you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines,
+I'll borrow _your jaw-bone_!"
+
+
+        MCCCXX.--EQUALITY OF THE LAW.
+
+THE following cannot be omitted from a _Jest Book_, although somewhat
+lengthy:--
+
+A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation took
+place.--Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not
+be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife
+took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen
+her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice
+Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you
+did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you
+did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action
+against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would
+have cost you about L100. When you had recovered substantial damages
+against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the
+Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce _a mensa atque thoro_. That would
+have cost you L200 or L300 more. When you had obtained a divorce _a
+mensa atque thoro_, you would have had to appear by counsel before the
+House of Lords for a divorce _a vinculo matrimonii_. The bill might have
+been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and
+altogether you would have had to spend about L1000 or L1200. You will
+probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in
+the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a
+British judge, it is my duty to tell you that _this is not a country in
+which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.
+
+IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a
+widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for
+_delirium tremens_, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses
+were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not
+addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers,
+the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who
+closed his evidence by describing a case of _delirium tremens_ treated
+by him, in which the patient _recovered in a single night_. "It was,"
+said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, _sipping all day_, from
+morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr.
+Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, _that is my case_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXII.--QUITE PROFESSIONAL.
+
+A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at
+the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the
+church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in
+the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of
+him. Poor fellow! he has _drawn a full house_, though, to the end."
+
+
+        MCCCXXIII.--ON DR. LETTSOM.
+
+    IF anybody comes to I,
+      I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
+    If after that they like to die,
+      Why, what care I, I Lettsom.
+
+
+        MCCCXXIV.--EQUITABLE LAW.
+
+A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of
+fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a
+portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share
+of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the
+will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for
+the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain
+for ourselves the other nine."--"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth
+part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he
+is to have what part '_pleaseth you_.'"
+
+
+        MCCCXXV.--IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.
+
+WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to
+the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty
+never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"--"O, kings never does; we lets
+'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye,"
+says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found
+nobody to _pay the turnpike for him_." Tom Moore told this story to Sir
+Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits.
+"Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us:
+there was no want of enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done
+anything in the world for his majesty, except _pay the turnpike_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXVI.--RUNNING ACCOUNTS.
+
+THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore
+told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him
+the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was
+desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages
+are _running on_."--"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am
+afraid they are _running_ so fast, that I shall never _catch_ them."
+
+
+        MCCCXXVII.--ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.
+
+    BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name
+    Ensures continuance to thy fame;
+    Both sense and truth this verdict give.
+    While _fields_ shall _bloom_, thy name shall live!
+
+
+        MCCCXXVIII.--SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.
+
+A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with
+great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The
+robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had
+experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that
+the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the
+hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him,"
+said one of the rogues: "if he had had _eighteen-pence_ I suppose he
+would have _killed_ the whole of us."
+
+
+        MCCCXXIX.--IRISH IMPRUDENCE.
+
+IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was
+attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic
+Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted
+the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a
+message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a
+gracious reception from the great man, who praised his loyalty and
+courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to
+be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a
+moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a
+_Scotchman_ of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my
+gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the
+_mal-apropos_ hit, replied, "Make a _Scotchman_ of _you_, sir! that's
+impossible, for I can't give you _prudence_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXX.--THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.
+
+THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and
+crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered
+round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to
+see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a
+large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs
+for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got
+but one _silver spoon_ among them all."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXI.--A FALSE FACE TRUE.
+
+    THAT there is _falsehood_ in his looks
+    I must and will deny;
+    They say their master is a knave:
+    And sure _they do not lie_.
+
+
+        MCCCXXXII.--A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.
+
+A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do
+something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of
+gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair
+which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones
+shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for _us and our heirs_
+for ever."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXIII.--THE SAFE SIDE.
+
+DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their
+houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "_No
+Popery_!" Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid
+all mistakes, wrote on his, "_No Religion_!"
+
+
+        MCCCXXXIV.--VISIBLY LOSING.
+
+IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully
+Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate,
+appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a
+very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was
+struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in
+the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he
+met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry!
+why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."--"Alas! Egan, it is but
+too visible that you're losing _tallow_ (Tallagh) fast!"
+
+
+        MCCCXXXV.--REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.
+
+    "HARRY, I cannot think," says Dick,
+    "What makes my ankles grow so thick."
+    "You do not recollect," says Harry,
+    "_How great a calf_ they have to carry."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXVI.--ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.
+
+ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was
+entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the _errors_ of Luther. "My lord,"
+answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken,
+and nothing more difficult than to _prove_ him so."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXVII.--SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
+
+SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took
+great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been
+directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity.
+"_But_," said Sheridan, "_what his Royal Highness more particularly
+prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest_."
+
+
+        MCCCXXXVIII.--FAIRLY WON.
+
+THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by
+his _nom-de-plume_ of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was
+enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow,
+D----, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when,
+looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart,
+and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."--"Go thy
+way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way,
+and----"--"The pie's _yours_, sir!" exclaimed D----, placing it before
+the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.
+
+
+        MCCCXXXIX.--A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.
+
+A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed
+at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to
+greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At
+last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at
+least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he
+roared into the ear of the postilion: "_Westmoreland, Cumberland,
+Northumberland, Durham_!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous
+threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.
+
+
+        MCCCXL.--ON THE FOUR GEORGES.
+
+    GEORGE the First was always reckoned
+    Vile,--but viler, George the Second;
+    And what mortal ever heard
+    Any good of George the Third?
+    When from earth the Fourth descended,
+    God be praised, the Georges ended.
+
+
+        MCCCXLI.--WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.
+
+HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and
+having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door.
+"I want my umbrella."--"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go
+to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an
+umbrella?"--"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as _I_
+did, _borrow one_!"
+
+
+        MCCCXLII.--WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?
+
+LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the
+House of Commons a vote of L400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon
+of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties
+of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the
+Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question
+from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger
+went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"--"An
+archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an
+ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with
+this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought
+to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop
+himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such
+answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a
+saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days,
+who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and
+when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account
+of its _lavendric_ properties."
+
+
+        MCCCXLIII.--"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S
+        DAY, 1787."
+
+    THE City-feast inverted here we find,
+    For Pitt had his _dessert_ before he dined.
+
+
+        MCCCXLIV.--LATIMER.
+
+THE pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated
+at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the
+Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by
+younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the
+_fathers_, said, "I cannot talk for my _religion_, but I am ready to die
+for it."
+
+
+        MCCCXLV.--EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.
+
+A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend
+had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he
+attained the age of _one hundred_.
+
+
+        MCCCXLVI.--A NEW IDEA.
+
+ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one
+of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the
+Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only
+there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not
+distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long)
+_ide-a_. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek
+derivation."--"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes
+from the word _ideaowski_."--"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"--"It
+is the _feminine_ of idiot, madam!"
+
+
+        MCCCXLVII--THE POOR CURATE.
+
+    FOR the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search,
+    But the Curate you'll find _living hard_ by the church.
+
+
+        MCCCXLVIII.--NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.
+
+SIR GODFREY KNELLER and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and
+were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the
+doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it.
+Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent
+to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his
+rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but _paint_
+it."--"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I
+will _take anything from him, except physic_."
+
+
+        MCCCXLIX.--A HEAVY WEIGHT.
+
+MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in
+height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered
+about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering
+bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry, "_or I
+will roll upon you_." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed
+the following epigram:--
+
+    That the stones of our chapel are both black and white,
+      Is most undeniably true;
+    But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night,
+      It's a wonder they're not _black and blue_.
+
+
+        MCCCL.--A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.
+
+GIBBON, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren
+Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there,
+took occasion to mention "the luminous author of _The Decline and
+Fall_." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with
+flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You
+called him the luminous author."--"Luminous! Oh, I meant _vo_luminous!"
+
+
+        MCCCLI.--"SINKING" THE WELL.
+
+THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What
+are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer.
+"Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite
+wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let _well_ alone.'"
+
+
+        MCCCLII.--ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.
+
+    IN reading his name it may truly be said,
+    You will make that man _dy_ if you cut off his _Hed_.
+
+
+        MCCCLIII.--THE WAY TO KEW.
+
+HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says:
+"One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given _C A
+B_ to find _Q_. _Answer_: Take your _C A B_ through Hammersmith, turn to
+the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before
+you."
+
+
+        MCCCLIV.--ABOVE PROOF.
+
+AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack,
+to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship
+being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all
+in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow
+appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The
+captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell
+from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out,
+"Why, please your honor, I _tapped the Governor_."
+
+
+        MCCCLV.--AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.
+
+MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a
+dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days";
+the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend
+asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a shilling!" was the
+reply. "Not a shilling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why,
+didn't you go there _to star_?"--"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful
+mournfulness; "but they spell it with a _ve_ in Wakefield."
+
+
+        MCCCLVI.--MISS WILBERFORCE.
+
+WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable
+and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of
+the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was
+saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce _for ever_!" when she pleasantly
+observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for
+really, I do not wish to be _Miss Wilberforce for ever_!"
+
+
+        MCCCLVII.--WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.
+
+    WHY should we explain, that the times are so bad,
+      Pursuing a querulous strain?
+    When Erin gives up all the rights that she had,
+      What _right has she left to complain_?
+
+
+        MCCCLVIII.--A COOL PROPOSITION.
+
+AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one
+of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's;
+whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very
+modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to
+know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast
+at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being
+but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray
+oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him
+in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,--say you
+are bringing with you the _cool of the evening_."
+
+
+        MCCCLIX.--A PROPER NAME.
+
+WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the
+purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman
+asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much
+identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of
+performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything
+you attempt, suppose you call it _Abbatoir_."
+
+
+        MCCCLX.--THE GRANDSON.
+
+HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same
+indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen
+Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third.
+"But," added he, "there is nothing new under the _sun_!"--"No," said
+George Selwyn, "nor under the _grand-son_!"
+
+
+        MCCCLXI.--AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.
+
+A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to
+Providence, and be satisfied with his _lot_. "Ah!" replied the needy
+man, "I should be satisfied with his _lot_ if I had it, but I can't get
+even a _little_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXII.--TO LADY, MOUNT E----, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.
+
+    O DRY that tear so round and big,
+      Nor waste in sighs your precious wind;
+    Death only takes _a single pig_--
+      Your _lord and son_ are still behind.
+
+
+        MCCCLXIII.--NATURAL.
+
+MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she
+snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite
+innocently; "I never _lay awake_ long enough to diskiver."
+
+
+        MCCCLXIV.--BROTHERLY LOVE.
+
+AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to
+be near his brother, who was a corporal _in the 76th_.
+
+
+        MCCCLXV.--A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.
+
+MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his
+proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of
+_The Gamester_. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of
+the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so
+affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's
+distress in the last act?"--"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend
+to _put them into the Ecclesiastical Court_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXVI.--CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.
+
+    "TAXES are equal is a dogma which
+      I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor;
+    "Taxation _hardly presses_ on the rich,
+      And likewise _presses hardly_ on the poor."
+
+
+        MCCCLXVII.--THE BEST WINE.
+
+SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of
+_other people_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXVIII.--A VALUABLE BEAVER.
+
+A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of
+the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out
+to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to
+the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said:
+"Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"--"Why did
+you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined
+Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to _your
+Beaver_" (Belvoir).
+
+
+        MCCCLXIX.--SOMETHING TO POCKET.
+
+A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked
+by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied
+that he was an attorney,--"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put
+you in my pocket."--"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if
+you do, you will have more law in your _pocket_ than ever you had in
+your _head_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXX.--UP AND DOWN.
+
+AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size
+as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of
+Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same
+case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
+acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
+motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses
+the court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said
+Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat
+confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I _am sitting_, my lord," was the
+reply to the confounded Chancellor.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXI.--A POOR SUBSTITUTE.
+
+THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the
+former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While
+seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked
+him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am _when I can't get cream_,"
+was the ready reply.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXII.--OUT OF SPIRITS.
+
+    "IS my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh,
+      As her voice of a tempest gave warning.
+    "Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply,
+      "For she _finished_ the bottle this morning."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXIII.--GOOD AT THE HALT.
+
+PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had
+an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time
+of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the
+different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers
+was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend,
+these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the
+lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."--"You follow the camp, my little
+limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never
+can be a disciplinarian."--"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally.
+"For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march,
+you would _halt_!"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXIV.--AN EASY WAY.
+
+A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy
+way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and
+cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you
+leave all the _uneasiness_ to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it
+not enough that one should be sorry for what _neither of you can help_?"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXV.--ERUDITE.
+
+A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called _Perchance_. "A singular
+name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find
+it?"--"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember
+where he says, '_Perchance_ my dog will howl.'"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXVI.--VERY EASY.
+
+ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must,
+however, mortify ourselves _a little_."--"Well," replied the other, "let
+us make our _servants fast_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXVII.--A WINNER AT CARDS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully
+situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered,
+"To a _card-maker_."--"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all
+that man's _cards_ must have been _trumps_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THE charity of Closefist give to fame,
+    He has at last _subscribed_--how much?--_his name_.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXIX.--AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.
+
+THE play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative
+of _Glo'ster_ was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was
+found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as
+the scene where _Glo'ster had his eyes put out_, when he came to a stand
+still, and was obliged to beg permission to _read_ the rest of the part.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXX.--SMALL TALK.
+
+FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting
+perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald
+disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one
+another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature,
+he suddenly exclaimed, "_We had pork for dinner to-day_."--"Dear me! Mr.
+Fuseli, what an odd remark."--"Why, it is _as good_ as anything you have
+been saying for _the last hour_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXI.--RATHER FEROCIOUS.
+
+AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was
+interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am I," said he, indignantly, "to be
+teased by the barking of this _jackal_ while I am attacking the royal
+_tiger_ of Bengal?"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXII.--ONLY FOR LIFE.
+
+A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said
+with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your
+life," answered by asking, "And for how _many lives_ does your Grace
+hold yours?"
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXIII.--AN OUTLINE.
+
+WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came
+to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether
+the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered,
+he did not know, but they had sent "the _outline of an ambassador_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXIV.--ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.
+
+    ON Waterloo's ensanguined plain,
+    Full many a gallant man lies slain;
+    But none, by bullet or by shot,
+    Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXV.--UGLY TRADES.
+
+THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a
+grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
+with a great deal of enjoyment.--D.J.
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXVI.--A GOOD CHARACTER.
+
+AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with
+respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed _afraid_ of
+work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently _lie
+down_ and fall asleep by the very _side of it_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXVII.--SENSIBILITY.
+
+A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was
+made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who
+accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my
+heart, sir, your _cough_ was better."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXVIII.--PATIENCE.
+
+WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke
+happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit
+down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke,
+happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the
+Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the
+commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not
+think much of it; but there is so much _propriety_ in putting a volume
+upon _patience_ in the room where every visitor has to wait for your
+Grace, that _here_ it must be considered as one of the _best books in
+the world_."
+
+
+        MCCCLXXXIX.--WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?
+
+    _Quest._ WHY is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?
+
+    _Ans._ Because it is a slender thing of wood,
+          That up and down its awkward arm doth sway,
+          And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away,
+           In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!
+
+
+        MCCCXC.--NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."
+
+ARCHDEACON PALEY was in very high spirits when he was presented to his
+first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just
+after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely,
+"Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another
+behind some _curate_."
+
+
+        MCCCXCI.--A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER.
+
+"SIR," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you
+tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the
+piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If
+you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the _three and
+four-pence_."
+
+
+        MCCCXCII.--A MAN OF METAL.
+
+EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He
+answered, "A dealer in old iron."--"Then," said the counsel, "you must
+of course be a thief."--"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a
+dealer in _iron_ must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in
+_brass_."
+
+
+        MCCCXCIII.--SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.
+
+    "BE less prolix," says Grill. I like advice.
+    "Grill, you're an ass!" Now, surely, that's concise.
+
+
+        MCCCXCIV.--A DROP.
+
+DEAN SWIFT was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the
+antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too
+freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with
+De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished;
+"And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece
+of that _D--umpling_?"
+
+
+        MCCCXCV.--ERROR IN JUDGMENT.
+
+AN author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person.
+"It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for
+he says that you are a charlatan."--"O," replied the other, "I think it
+very likely that _both of us_ may be mistaken."
+
+
+        MCCCXCVI.--THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.
+
+    A MECHANIC his labor will often discard,
+      If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
+    But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard--
+      Will continue to work though it _strikes_!
+
+
+        MCCCXCVII.--THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.
+
+A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had
+concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the
+youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to
+borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not
+_deceive_ me twice."
+
+
+        MCCCXCVIII.--A SPEAKING CANVAS.
+
+SOME of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they
+never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True,"
+answered he; "for the best will always _praise_ themselves."
+
+
+        MCCCXCIX.--INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH, writing in the _Edinburgh Review_, says, "If the English
+were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to
+_dig_ and _plough_, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the
+_better for it_."
+
+
+        MCD.--OCULAR.
+
+TAYLOR says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married
+a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the
+conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances
+he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."--"No wonder,"
+said I, "you were fond of a _Leer_ when you married an _Ogle_."
+
+
+        MCDI.--ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE
+        REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.
+
+    YE politicians, tell me, pray,
+      Why thus with woe and care rent?
+    This is the worst that you can say,
+    Some wind has blown the wig away,
+      And left the _Hair Apparent_.
+
+
+        MCDII.--AN APT REPROOF.
+
+MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in
+the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he
+sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General
+immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met
+with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I
+drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this
+villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on
+board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand
+and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The
+rascal should have taken care how he used me, for _I never
+forgive_."--"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him,
+"_you never sin_." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and
+putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he
+threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave
+better for the future."
+
+
+        MCDIII.--THE LAME BEGGAR.
+
+    "I AM unable," yonder beggar cries,
+    "To _stand or move_." If he says true, he _lies_.
+
+
+        MCDIV.--HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.
+
+HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral
+ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a
+snug family vault we have made here."--"_Family vault_!" said Foote,
+with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family
+_oven_."
+
+
+        MCDV.--PRETTY.
+
+HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.
+
+
+        MCDVI.--NOT IMPROBABLE.
+
+A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked
+by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and
+crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the
+attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs
+lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied,
+"_Perhaps they took no physic_."
+
+
+        MCDVII.--SOUGHT AND FOUND.
+
+THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along
+the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a
+mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one;
+"Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob,"
+cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the
+old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his
+father's _asses_, and lo! here I have found them."
+
+
+        MCDVIII.--NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.
+
+    "PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place,
+      Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?"
+            "No, please your grace,"
+            Cried Boniface,
+            With some grimace,
+      "_Sometimes it snows_."
+
+
+        MCDIX.--A REMARKABLE ECHO.
+
+A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late
+Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr.
+Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his
+charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its
+lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lordship hear a
+remarkable _echo in the court_?"
+
+
+        MCDX.--A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.
+
+THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor,
+and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she
+secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have I
+not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied, with
+downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you not
+allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?"--"Exactly
+so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call _him_ an actor."
+
+
+        MCDXI.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.
+
+FRANKLIN was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of
+atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by
+another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"
+
+
+        MCDXII.--A SOPORIFIC.
+
+A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his
+speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should
+never quarrel with _the effect_ of his own medicine."
+
+
+        MCDXIII.--THE AMENDE HONORABLE.
+
+    QUOTH Will, "On that young servant-maid
+      My heart its life-string stakes."
+    "Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid,
+      She pays for _all she breaks_."
+
+
+        MCDXIV.--ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.
+
+A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to
+represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had
+lost one. He painted the former with a _shirt on_, and the latter
+_naked_.
+
+
+        MCDXV.--MILITARY ELOQUENCE.
+
+AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of
+the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his
+soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows,
+go and _clothe_ yourselves."
+
+
+        MCDXVI.--CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.
+
+THE late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy.
+During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before
+him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and
+whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his
+conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"--"Suppose I do; what of
+that? If your Highness of York wishes to be well, let me tell you,"
+added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in
+his campaigns, _cut off the supplies_, and the enemy will quickly leave
+the citadel."
+
+
+        MCDXVII.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THE proverb says, and no one e'er disputes,
+    "Nature the shoulder to the burden suits";
+    Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head,
+    Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.
+
+
+        MCDXVIII.--A FOWL JOKE.
+
+A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the _hens_ (_N_)
+division. "Do you mean in the _Poultry_?" asked the Judge.
+
+
+        MCDXIX.--AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.
+
+IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On
+one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was
+his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards
+in London, and talking of his _great expenses_, he asked the ex-Master
+of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his
+last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a _fortnight_."
+
+
+        MCDXX.--OLD FRIENDS.
+
+COLEMAN, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes,"
+replied the wit; "_Hook_ and _eye_ are old associates."
+
+
+        MCDXXI.--A REASON.
+
+"I WISH you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you
+there," was the answer. "Why?"--"Because I never wish _to see you
+again_!"
+
+
+        MCDXXII.--HONOR.
+
+DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large
+sum of money as a reward to him who should first drive a fascine into a
+ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers
+offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "_We
+should have all offered_," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money
+_had not been set as the price of this action_."
+
+
+        MCDXXIII.--JUST AS WONDERFUL.
+
+A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you
+ever see a _cat-fish_?"--"No," was the response, "but I've seen a
+_rope-walk_."
+
+
+        MCDXXIV.--CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.
+
+"WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a
+friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."--"Just
+like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"--"_My
+wife_."
+
+
+        MCDXXV.--QUESTION ANSWERED.
+
+THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, "Where
+is my fellow?"--"_Not in England_, I'll swear," said a bystander.
+
+
+        MCDXXVI.--VERY LIKELY.
+
+AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "_Cheap_
+defence of nations," replied, "A midshipman's _half-pay_,--nothing a-day
+and find yourself."
+
+
+        MCDXXVII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    DIED suddenly,--surprised at such a rarity!
+    Verdict,--Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.
+
+
+        MCDXXVIII.--A GRUNT.
+
+"DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother
+very entertaining."--"Sir," said Johnson, "_I can wait_."
+
+
+        MCDXXIX.--ONE FAULT.
+
+"SHE is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis, of one well
+known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her _only_
+defect."
+
+
+        MCDXXX.--TO THE "COMING" MAN.
+
+    SMART waiter, be contented with thy state,
+    The world is his who best knows how to wait.
+
+
+        MCDXXXI.--NOTHING TO BOAST OF.
+
+"THE British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun
+never sets."--"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the
+_tax-gatherer_ never goes to bed."
+
+
+        MCDXXXII.--COLONIAL BREWERIES.
+
+WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event
+more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its
+_first brewhouse?_--S.S.
+
+
+        MCDXXXIII.--A CLOSER.
+
+SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door
+of a house, "Let _nothing_ enter here but what is _good_."--"Then where
+will _the master_ go in?" asked a cynic.
+
+
+        MCDXXXIV.--THE FOOL OR KNAVE.
+
+    THY praise or dispraise is to me alike;
+    One doth not _stroke_ me, nor the other _strike_.
+
+
+        MCDXXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.
+
+AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his
+way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day,
+said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"--"No," replied the
+baron; "whom did _he rob_?"
+
+
+        MCDXXXVI.--A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.
+
+AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad
+causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many _good_ ones,
+that I am quite at a loss which to take."
+
+
+        MCDXXXVII.--SELF-APPLAUSE.
+
+SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they
+are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for
+approbation.--S.S.
+
+
+        MCDXXXVIII.--A WOODEN JOKE.
+
+BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy _oak_ at Westminster, and a
+_willow_ at St James's."
+
+
+        MCDXXXIX.--AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.
+
+A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a
+tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him.
+"Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the
+_tide_ tarrieth for no man."
+
+
+        MCDXL.--THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.
+
+A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as
+reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more
+terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and _hear
+it_."
+
+
+        MCDXLI.--ALL THE SAME.
+
+IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty,
+as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and
+thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book
+him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing
+intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places
+left, so I booked you _one in_ and _one out_."
+
+
+        MCDXLII.--THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.
+
+I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of
+the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come,"
+said he, "for your good--_for all your goods_."--"A universal
+principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other
+truths, only _told by mistake_."
+
+
+        MCDXLIII.--DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD'S IVORY OPERA PASS.
+
+    SHIELD, while the supplicating poor
+      Ask thee for _meat_ with piteous moans;
+    More humble I approach thy door,
+      And beg for nothing but thy _bones_.
+
+
+        MCDXLIV.--COOKING HIS GOOSE.
+
+THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the
+awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his
+tailor's _fault_."--"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his _misfortune_
+too!"
+
+
+        MCDXLV.--TAKE WARNING!
+
+A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to
+claim the _coat_ upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit,
+he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my _coat_, I should, too
+late, find that I was deprived of my _waistcoat_ also."
+
+
+        MCDXLVI.--"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."
+
+HOOD says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its _broad brim_."
+
+
+        MCDXLVII.--CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.
+
+DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the
+landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges
+were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I _pass_
+this account; if I live, I'll _examine it_."
+
+
+        MCDXLVIII.--ON A SQUINTING POETESS.
+
+    TO no _one_ muse does she her glance confine,
+    But has an eye, at once, to _all the nine_.
+
+
+        MCDXLIX.--A NEAT SUGGESTION.
+
+A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his
+neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As
+you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece
+of _soap_ and a _nailbrush_."
+
+
+        MCDL.--SCOTCH "WUT."
+
+IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well
+into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that
+inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in
+the North, and which, under the name of _Wut_, is so infinitely
+distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated
+intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love
+metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance
+in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my
+lord, is very true of love in the _aibstract_, but----" Here the
+fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.
+
+
+        MCDLI.--WHERE IT CAME FROM.
+
+A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face
+and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the
+glass, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get
+_such a nose_ as this?"--"Out of the _decanter, madam_," replied the
+doctor.
+
+
+        MCDLII.--QUIN AND CHARLES I.
+
+QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of
+Charles I.,--"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?"
+Quin replied, "By all the _laws_ that he had _left them_."
+
+
+        MCDLIII.--TIMELY FLATTERY.
+
+A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was
+between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch,
+madam, makes us _remember_ the hours, and you make us _forget_ them."
+
+
+        MCDLIV.--EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.
+
+    TO gull the public two contractors come,
+    One pilfers corn,--the other cheats in rum.
+    Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain,
+    A rogue in _spirit_, or a rogue in _grain_?
+
+
+        MCDLV.--TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.
+
+A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone _through
+Euclid_, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a _small village_
+between Wigan and Preston.
+
+
+        MCDLVI.--AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.
+
+A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of
+saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress
+was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is
+de _pink_ of beauty."--"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always
+flatter."--"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world
+will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de _drab_ of
+fashion."
+
+
+        MCDLVII.--A CLOSE TRANSLATION.
+
+A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of
+Juvenal, said, "What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of
+your translation is, that _in places where I do not understand Juvenal,
+I likewise do not understand you_."
+
+
+        MCDLVIII.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.
+
+A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother,"
+expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are
+brothers,--_brothers-in-law_."
+
+
+        MCDLIX.--ONLY A NINEPIN.
+
+THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of
+boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were
+facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus
+designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of
+Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm,
+which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox,
+entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of
+Sheridan what the House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence,"
+replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of _Lord Lonsdale's
+ninepins_."
+
+
+        MCDLX.--DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE
+COMPOSER.
+
+    SON of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch,
+      Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones),
+    Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch,
+      And for to-morrow's _treat_ pray send thy _bones_!
+
+
+        MCDLXI.--DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.
+
+ONE evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was
+present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was
+referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion
+that the lower animals have an "immortal part," familiarly remarked to
+the doctor, "Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know
+what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True,
+sir; and when we see a very foolish _fellow_, we don't know what to
+think of _him_."
+
+
+        MCDLXII.--A PROFESSIONAL AIM.
+
+IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the
+other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that
+had his friend been engaged with a _client_ he would very probably have
+_hit his pocket_.
+
+
+        MCDLXIII.--FLYING COLORS.
+
+SIR GODFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise,
+and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors,
+which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend,
+noticing it to him, said, "What do you think posterity will say, Sir
+Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?"--"Say!"
+replied the artist: "why, they'll say Sir Godfrey Kneller _never_
+painted them!"
+
+
+        MCDLXIV.--AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.
+
+A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a valuable property;
+and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he
+had _entertained his proposition_. "No," replied the other, "your
+proposition _entertained me_."
+
+
+        MCDLXV.--UNION OF OPPOSITES.
+
+A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and
+benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, "that
+doubtless those were the persons _who would kill one with kindness_."
+
+
+        MCDLXVI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On ----'s Veracity.)
+
+    HE boasts about the truth I've heard,
+      And vows he'd never break it;
+    Why, zounds, a man _must_ keep his word
+      When nobody will take it.
+
+
+        MCDLXVII.--AN UNTAXED LUXURY.
+
+A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax
+on "_the single state_"; "Yes, madam," rejoined an obstinate old
+bachelor, "as on all other _luxuries_."
+
+
+        MCDLXVIII.--A DEAR SPEAKER.
+
+SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on
+the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his
+maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: "And now, _my dear_ Mr.
+Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had
+subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was
+perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days _everything
+is dear_."
+
+
+        MCDLXIX.--ABSURDLY LOGICAL.
+
+A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and
+is, therefore, of _greater_ importance than any other _mad person_ of
+the same degree in life.
+
+
+        MCDLXX.--PROOF POSITIVE.
+
+A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a
+gentleman present, "there is a _bitter_ cold day."
+
+
+        MCDLXXI.--PLAYER, OR LORD.
+
+ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general
+murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not
+distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity
+'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should _be a player_!"
+Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied: "Why! what
+would your lordship have me be?--a lord?"
+
+
+        MCDLXXII.--IN MEMORIAM.
+
+    SOYER is gone! Then be it said,
+    At last, indeed, great PAN is dead.
+
+
+        MCDLXXIII.--PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.
+
+SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding,
+was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the
+road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the
+sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant
+replied in the negative. "I zee, zur," said the rustic, grinning, "yer
+_ploughshare_ saved ye!"
+
+
+        MCDLXXIV.--A SHARP BRUSH.
+
+SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager,
+desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre,
+and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who
+combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and
+painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."--"Did you?"
+said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure,
+have known you were a Fox by your _brush_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXV.--NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.
+
+THERE was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of
+Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one
+day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl
+called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."--"Do ye ken," said
+Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"--"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil
+do ye ken _whether this be the road or no_?"
+
+
+        MCDLXXVI.--PICKING POCKETS.
+
+    "THESE beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt,
+    "Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!"
+    "Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head,
+    "Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead.
+    That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder,
+    'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder;
+    In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops,
+    I saw a rogue _picking a pocket_ of hops."
+
+
+        MCDLXXVII.--HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.
+
+A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great
+resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that
+the prophet is disposed to _husband his resources_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXVIII.--SMOOTHING IT DOWN.
+
+A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very
+rough paper, sir."--"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has
+to be _filed_ before it comes into court."
+
+
+        MCDLXXIX.--MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.
+
+CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action
+for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put
+his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant
+to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that
+_waist_ for _common_?"
+
+
+        MCDLXXX.--A HOPELESS INVASION.
+
+ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in
+1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part,
+he could only say that they should not _come by water_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXI.--DROLL TO ORDER.
+
+ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ----, tell us a
+lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of
+the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are
+such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you,"
+replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged _to eat fire_ at the
+Countess of ----, and _stand upon my head_ at Mrs. ----."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXII.--MEN OF WEIGHT.
+
+    IF fat men ride, they tire the horse,
+    And if they walk themselves--that's worse:
+    Travel at all, they are at best,
+    Either oppressors or opprest.
+
+
+        MCDLXXXIII.--CHEMICAL ODDITY.
+
+WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a
+blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the
+difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he;
+"by oxygin we mean pure _gin_; and by hydrogin, _gin and water_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXIV.--AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.
+
+CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the
+principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's _poor
+relations_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXV.--HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."
+
+LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful
+of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to
+a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to
+find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming
+with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a
+good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this
+way."--"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at
+the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to _sing,
+guv'ner_?"
+
+
+        MCDLXXXVI.--DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.
+
+A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring
+chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed,
+was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he
+who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a
+short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,--but my curses
+rest upon my son _if ever he does_."
+
+
+        MCDLXXXVII.--A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.
+
+    WHETHER tall men or short men are best,
+      Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
+    I can't say, but this I protest,
+      All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.
+
+
+        MCDLXXXVIII.--A DEAR BARGAIN.
+
+QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent
+young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I
+am?"--"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be _almost
+as foolish_!"
+
+
+        MCDLXXXIX.--SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.
+
+LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury
+Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "_Maid
+and the Magpie_" exceedingly natural. "I really am no _judge_," answered
+his lordship, "I was never _innocent_ of stealing a spoon."
+
+
+        MCDXC.--NO INTRUSION.
+
+A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to
+Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your
+attention."--"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of
+_something else_."
+
+
+        MCDXCI.--EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.
+
+A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of _experimental_ and
+_natural_ philosophy, said he considered the _first_ to be asking a man
+to discount a bill at a long date, and the _second_ his refusing to do
+it.
+
+
+        MCDXCII.--NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.
+
+A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his
+disgraceful situation, and the _anxiety_ of a debtor being urged by them
+in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a
+person who _thinks_ of paying."
+
+
+        MCDXCIII.--ODD HUMOR.
+
+WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called
+to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to
+Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my
+room. If I am _alive_, I shall be glad to see him; if I am _dead_, I am
+sure that he will be delighted to see me."
+
+
+        MCDXCIV.--A TICKLISH OPENING.
+
+HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of
+Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client,
+the defendant, my lord,"--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by
+laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes)
+exclaimed, "_Tickle him yourself_, Harry; you are as able to do so as I
+am."
+
+
+        MCDXCV.--THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.
+
+HOOD suggests that the phrase "_republic_ of letters" was hit upon to
+insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not
+got a _sovereign_ amongst them.
+
+
+        MCDXCVI.--AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.
+
+A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him
+that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead.
+"But," says the other, "you find the report false."--"'Tis hard to
+determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I
+would _sooner take than yours_."
+
+
+        MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.
+
+A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in
+an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not
+worthy that the sun should shine on you."--"I am truly sensible of my
+unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in
+the _shade_."
+
+
+        MCDXCVIII.--AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.
+
+CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on
+some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in
+a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to
+his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "_but don't indorse my
+sins upon their backs_."
+
+
+        MCDXCIX.--A PLUMPER.
+
+A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a
+very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the
+pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the
+election, _for he had nobody's voice against him but his own_."
+
+
+        MD.--A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.
+
+IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate
+House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the
+questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate
+returned the following laconic answer: "An _exemption_ from _Payne_."
+
+
+        MDI.--BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.
+
+A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for
+relaxation, makes a _business_ of his _pleasure_.
+
+
+        MDII.--INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.
+
+A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he
+had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if
+such were the case?"--"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as
+you have just been _tolled_."
+
+
+        MDIII.--A WALKING STICK.
+
+AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man
+protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that
+the stick could never have walked off with itself."--"Certainly not,
+sir, unless it was a _walking-stick_."
+
+
+        MDIV.--CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.
+
+IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are
+ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience.
+The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was
+walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent,
+who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had
+enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly
+exclaimed the Duke; "but don't _keep me in the cold_."
+
+
+        MDV.--A REASON FOR BELIEF.
+
+"DO you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney
+Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the
+moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, _who is so like
+Judas_."
+
+
+        MDVI.--OPENLY.
+
+    NO, Varus hates a thing that's base;
+      I own, indeed, he's got a knack
+    Of flattering people to their face,
+      But scorns to do 't behind their back.
+
+
+        MDVII.--PAINTED CHARMS.
+
+OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of
+carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop
+about her, with a notice upon it, '_Beware of the paint_.'"
+
+
+        MDVIII.--ON THE SPOT.
+
+TWO Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on
+the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a
+_Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that is _far-fetched_."--"No,
+indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the _spot_."
+
+
+        MDIX.--MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.
+
+IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to
+the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller
+objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and
+demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these
+emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be
+obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I
+know _my duty_ as well as your lordship knows _your duty_. I stand here
+as the advocate of a fellow citizen, _and I will not sit down_." The
+judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.
+
+
+        MDX.--A SHUFFLING ANSWER.
+
+A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah!
+madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;--in the
+first place consider the _loss of time_."--"That's just what I do," said
+she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in _shuffling and
+dealing_."
+
+
+        MDXI.--THE DEBT PAID.
+
+    TO _John_ I owed great obligation;
+      But _John_, unhappily, thought fit
+    To publish it to all the nation:
+      Sure _John_ and I am more than quit.
+
+
+        MDXII.--A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.
+
+JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his _At
+Home_, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention.
+At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and
+pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what _does it all go to
+prove_?"
+
+
+        MDXIII.--AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.
+
+GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for
+the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain
+occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings
+he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to
+prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the
+general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts
+filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having
+previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub
+your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water,
+and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping
+yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a
+flesh-brush."--"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or
+two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's
+self."--"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "_it is open to that
+objection_."
+
+
+        MDXIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)
+
+    FOR Buckingham to hope to pit
+      His bill against Lord Grey's is idle;
+    Reform, when offered _bit_ by _bit_,
+      Is but intended for a _bridle_.
+
+
+        MDXV.--A DREADFUL SUSPICION.
+
+A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson
+asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor,
+"and I should be loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know
+deserves it, but I am afraid he is an _attorney_."
+
+
+        MDXVI.--A FAMILIAR FRIEND.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young
+gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's
+jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the
+young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of
+Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't
+_clap him_ on the back, and call him Howley."
+
+
+        MDXVII.--NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.
+
+LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did
+not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason
+for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his
+lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I would _subscribe too_."
+
+
+        MDXVIII.--PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.
+
+A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who
+immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the
+doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen
+to afford you any relief, _please to let me know_, as I am myself
+suffering from _a similar affection_, and have tried _in vain to cure
+it_."
+
+
+        MDXIX.--TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.
+
+LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time,
+one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."--"Don't
+say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do
+they will certainly _tax_ it."
+
+
+        MDXX.--FASHION AND VIRTUE.
+
+    "WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain
+    Is always right," cries sprightly Jane;
+    "Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue,
+    "What's _right_ were fashionable too."
+
+
+        MDXXI.--PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.
+
+A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much,
+and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."--"Addison!"
+echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"--"I can't say:
+but this I know, he is seldom without his _Steel_ by his side."
+
+
+        MDXXII.--WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.
+
+A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the
+master of this house?"--"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been
+_dead these three weeks_."
+
+
+        MDXXIII.--PRECAUTIONARY.
+
+LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord
+Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith
+was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his
+corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may
+not _swallow John_! There are, however, _stomach-pumps_ in case of
+accident."
+
+
+        MDXXIV.--A LATE DISCOVERER.
+
+A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long
+discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical
+views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When
+he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then,
+sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not
+_altogether a moral man_."
+
+
+        MDXXV.--LINES TO O'KEEFE.
+
+(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)
+
+          THEY say, O'Keefe,
+          Thou art a thief,
+    That half thy works are stolen or more;
+          I say O'Keefe,
+          Thou art no thief,
+    Such stuff was never writ before!
+
+
+        MDXXVI.--PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.
+
+A YOUNG lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a
+friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied
+by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My _profession_ is much better
+than my _practice_."
+
+
+        MDXXVII.--A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.
+
+MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a _free_ and _easy_ actor, who
+told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the
+Marquis and Marchioness of ----, _without any invitation_. He had gone
+there on the assumption that as my lord and lady were not on _speaking
+terms_, _each_ would suppose the _other_ had asked him, and so it turned
+out.
+
+
+        MDXXVIII.--WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.
+
+JUDGE CLAYTON was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after
+he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with
+Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his
+legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of
+Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but
+then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just
+the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are
+so very contradictory, that I protest _I don't understand
+them_."--"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "_that is what we all say_."
+
+
+        MDXXIX.--A MICHAELMAS MEETING.
+
+SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he
+generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was
+riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met
+by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for
+sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a _tailor_ on
+the road?"--"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little
+further, I should meet a _goose_."
+
+
+        MDXXX.--A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.
+
+THE editor of the _Evangelical Observer_, in reference to a certain
+person, took occasion to write that he was _rectus in ecclesia_, _i.e._,
+in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence,
+converted it into _rectus in culina_, which although not very bad Latin,
+altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman _a good
+standing in the kitchen_.
+
+
+        MDXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(Upon the trustworthiness of ---- ----.)
+
+    HE'LL keep a secret well, or I'm deceived,
+    For what he says will never be believed.
+
+
+        MDXXXII.--GOING TO EXTREMES.
+
+WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed
+that "they began too late and ended too soon."
+
+
+        MDXXXIII.--SILENT APPRECIATION.
+
+A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and
+drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's
+want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which
+the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent
+wine. "But you said nothing of _the first_" remarked his host "O,"
+replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. _It
+spoke for itself._ I thought the second wanted a _trumpeter_."
+
+
+        MDXXXIV.--JUSTICE MIDAS.
+
+A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into
+a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to be
+sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an ass being made a judge,
+but a horse never."
+
+
+        MDXXXV.--A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.
+
+AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends,
+one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of _old_ port."--"Waiter,"
+added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a
+bottle of your _old_ port, not your _elder_ port."
+
+
+        MDXXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.
+
+WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a
+friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."--"Why?" was the
+response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor--_your money or your
+life_."
+
+
+        MDXXXVII.--EUCLID REFUTED.
+
+    "A PART," says Euclid, "one at once may see,
+    Unto the whole can never equal be";
+    Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control,
+    Of them a part is equal to the whole.
+
+
+        MDXXXVIII.--KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.
+
+BURKE once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let
+Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had
+the folly to _write_ it, I had the wit to keep it _to myself_."
+
+
+        MDXXXIX.--CLASSICAL WIT.
+
+DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey
+Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid,
+in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:--
+
+    "'Semper tibi _pendeat hamus_,'
+
+May you always have a _ham_ hanging in your kitchen." The doctor
+insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in
+the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,--
+
+    "'Amant _te_ omnes mulieres.'"
+                     _Miles Glor._, Act i., sc. i., v. 58.
+
+Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you
+follow the old advice we both learned at school, [Greek: Charizou te
+Psyche], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner,
+which he thus eulogized:--
+
+    "'Hoc tum saevas paulatim mitigat iras,
+        Hoc minuit luctus moestaque corda levat.'"
+                   _Ov. Trist._, lib. iv., _el._ vi., v. 15, 16.
+
+
+        MDXL.--A PREFERABLE WAY.
+
+ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera
+singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the
+conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are
+murdering the music!"--"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is
+far better to murder it outright, than to keep on _beating it as you
+do_."
+
+
+        MDXLI.--A STOUT SWIMMER.
+
+SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his
+arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him
+overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough
+to swim _to the other side_."
+
+
+        MDXLII.--A CHOICE OF EVILS.
+
+ONE asked his friend, why he married so _little_ a wife? "Why," said he,
+"I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the _least_."
+
+
+        MDXLIII.--RESTING HERSELF.
+
+A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would
+frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might
+_rest her bones_. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late
+mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones
+yet?"--"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my
+_jaw-bones_."
+
+
+        MDXLIV.--A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.
+
+A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the
+"five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as
+good as another?"--"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish
+chartist, "and _a great deal betther_."
+
+
+        MDXLV.--DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.
+
+    "MY dart," cried Death, "I cannot find,
+      So now I'm quite at sea."
+    Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,--
+      There, take this recipe."
+
+
+        MDXLVI.--AN EVASION.
+
+A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking
+politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a
+loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll
+show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical,
+sir!"--"_You_ are?"--"Yes, sir, I _am_!"--"Well, just you step round the
+corner with me, and I'll _show you_ a fellow who said I couldn't find a
+radical in the ward. Ain't _he_ a liar, I should like to know?"
+
+
+        MDXLVII.--GOING FROM THE POINT.
+
+CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My
+learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in
+domestic use, commonly called an _extinguisher_. It began at a point,
+and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the
+question out altogether."
+
+
+        MDXLVIII.--DEFINING A CREED.
+
+A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the
+witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion;
+posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."
+
+
+        MDXLIX.--A BIT OF MOONSHINE.
+
+BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it
+was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May
+be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though
+it be, you would like to see the _first quarter_ of it."
+
+
+        MDL.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    WHEN at the head of our most gracious king,
+    Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,--
+    "Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said,
+    "So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"
+
+
+        MDLI.--A KIND HINT.
+
+LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He
+should follow the example of duellists, and by _going out_ he would
+certainly give _satisfaction_.
+
+
+        MDLII.--PRIEST'S ORDERS.
+
+AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some
+one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the
+pit. "Probably clerks _who have taken Priest's orders_," said Mr. Poole,
+one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists
+of the day.
+
+
+        MDLIII.--SHERIDAN AND BURKE.
+
+AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started
+suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house,
+exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"--"I
+hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the
+camp as a _deserter_, he will not return as a _spy_."
+
+
+        MDLIV.--ALWAYS THE BETTER.
+
+A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket,
+beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to
+ruin."--"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far
+from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been _the better_."
+
+
+        MDLV.--A PUNGENT PINCH.
+
+WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish
+tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal:
+"Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,--a deuse of a _pinch_,
+Lundy!"
+
+
+        MDLVI.--"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."
+
+AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his
+profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for
+them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to
+pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the
+"_Saracen's Head_." It was paid for immediately.
+
+
+        MDLVII.--ON A GREAT TALKER.
+
+    TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose,
+      Job himself scarcely patience could keep;
+    He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze,
+      Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.
+
+
+        MDLVIII.--DRY HUMOR.
+
+AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents
+of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about
+being _very wet_, if I wasn't so _very dry_, your honor."
+
+
+        MDLIX.--CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.
+
+THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new
+dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and
+inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will
+be _change for a guinea_."
+
+
+        MDLX.--AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.
+
+A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just
+seen the blackest man that ever was!"--"How black was he, my son?"--"O,
+he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a
+_white_ mark on him!"
+
+
+        MDLXI.--A MAN AND A BROTHER.
+
+HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who
+earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his
+friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."--"He is either the
+most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied
+the comedian: "and, as _either one or the other, he has a brotherly
+claim upon me_."
+
+
+        MDLXII.--PULLING UP A POET.
+
+A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his
+verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed
+him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, _he hears you_."
+
+
+        MDLXIII.--AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.
+
+A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman
+of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the
+coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the
+honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a
+house like this!"--"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply,
+"It's the _seventh_ I have had, and every one in the room _knows it_."
+
+
+        MDLXIV.--WITTY THANKSGIVING.
+
+BARHAM having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the
+present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many
+thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure
+and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and
+bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman,
+the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.--Ever
+yours, _S.S._"
+
+
+        MDLXV.--A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.
+
+THOMSON, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend
+entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far
+spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae _nae motive_,"
+replied the poet.
+
+
+        MDLXVI.--KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.
+
+THE surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for
+his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a party of
+pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who
+had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had
+heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last
+night in his _own medicine chest_."
+
+
+        MDLXVII.--NOTHING SURPRISING.
+
+ADMIRAL LEE, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very
+rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin
+and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."--"Indeed," says the
+captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the _right_ of it. I
+don't know what would _stay out_ such a stormy night as this."
+
+
+        MDLXVIII.--RUNNING NO RISK.
+
+    "I'M very much surprised," quoth Harry,
+    "That Jane a gambler should marry."
+    "I'm not at all," her sister says,
+    "You know he has such _winning ways_!"
+
+
+        MDLXIX.--A HUMORIST PIQUED.
+
+THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one
+occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter
+surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and,
+affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook
+concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would _you_ do to
+anybody who treated you in such a manner?"--"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if
+any man meddled with _my_ tongue, I'd _lick_ him!"
+
+
+        MDLXX.--NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.
+
+A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate
+with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he
+said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke
+replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be _no room for
+yours_."
+
+
+        MDLXXI.--AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.
+
+AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a
+gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry
+disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured
+it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George
+D---- was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't
+know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a
+great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but
+then, you know, a man may be both."--"_So I see, sir_," said Cannon,
+turning away.
+
+
+        MDLXXII.--ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.
+
+    WHILE Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive,
+    No generous patron would a dinner give.
+    See him, when starved to death and turned to dust,
+    Presented with a monumental bust.
+    The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,--
+    He asked for bread, and he received a stone.
+
+
+        MDLXXIII.--A WORD IN SEASON.
+
+MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister,
+who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not
+proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he
+had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody _give him the
+word_,--somebody give him the word!"
+
+
+        MDLXXIV.--"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."
+
+PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of
+it, said, "Professor, _my opinion_ of you is most contemptible."--"Sir,"
+returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an _opinion_ of yours that was
+_not contemptible_."
+
+
+        MDLXXV.--A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.
+
+ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition,
+professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present
+observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head,
+and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor,
+undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when _he was a boy_."
+
+
+        MDLXXVI.--"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."
+
+A CANTAB, one day observing a _ragamuffin-looking_ boy scratching his
+head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was
+begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are
+picking them out, are you?"--"_Nah, sar_," retorted the urchin; "I
+_takes_ 'em as they come!"
+
+
+        MDLXXVU.--A CLIMAX.
+
+THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a
+deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a
+good man, an excellent man. He had the best _melted butter_ I ever
+tasted in my life."
+
+
+        MDLXXVIII.--BLANK CARTRIDGE.
+
+EPIGRAM on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and
+Francis Jeffrey:--
+
+    When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said,
+      A reverse he displayed in his vapor,
+    For while all his poems were loaded with lead,
+      His pistols were loaded with paper.
+    For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank,
+      Such a _salvo_ he should not abuse;
+    For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank,
+      Which is fired away at _Reviews_.
+
+
+        MDLXXIX.--SERMONS IN STONES.
+
+THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob,
+continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly.
+"Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said
+A'Beckett, "seeing that _no pains have been spared_ to convince him of
+them."
+
+
+        MDLXXX.--EARLY HABITS.
+
+THERE was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the
+condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of
+his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything
+with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly
+escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered,
+"My lord, you had better take your _trowel_ to it."
+
+
+        MDLXXXI.--LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.
+
+DURING the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader
+graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the
+hero questions the _Witches_, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a
+deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment
+directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching,
+however, the words in the play, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_!
+why, 't is _void_."
+
+
+        MDLXXXII.--NOT TO BE BELIEVED.
+
+THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted
+to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the
+postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":--
+
+    Whoe'er would learn a fact from you,
+      Must take you by contraries;
+    What you deny, _perhaps_ is true;
+      But nothing that you _swear_ is.
+
+
+        MDLXXXIII.--A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.
+
+AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with
+marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened
+a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to _get
+a good one_."
+
+
+        MDLXXXIV.--BYRON LIBELLOUS.
+
+THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore
+compared it to a potato, "because it shoots from the eyes."--"Or
+rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by _pairing_."
+
+
+        MDLXXXV.--A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.
+
+AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at
+the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The
+doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: _you_, sir,
+might have been born a wit!"
+
+
+        MDLXXXVI.--ATTIRED TO TIRE.
+
+SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain
+sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of
+King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:--
+
+    Behold the sergeant full of fire,
+      Long shall his hearers rue it;
+    His purple garments _came from Tyre_,
+      His arguments _go to it_.
+
+
+        MDLXXXVII.--A SMALL JOKE.
+
+MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his
+employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his
+master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter
+day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had
+fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt,
+grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "_Nae
+great length_, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh,"
+said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."--"I wunner whaur
+_that_ is," said Matthew.
+
+
+        MDLXXXVIII.--A VAIN THREAT.
+
+"MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"--"I shall not be
+frightened then, for I never knew you to _pay_ anything that you owe."
+
+
+        MDLXXXIX.--POOR LAW.
+
+"PRAY, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, "what do you
+think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"--"Let him
+spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he
+has _not got a shilling_ in the world, let him attack the law." Such was
+the advice of an old Chief Justice.
+
+
+        MDXC.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about
+the "_cause_ of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are
+evidently looking more after the _effects_.
+
+
+        MDXCI.--A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.
+
+WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the
+combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on
+going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the
+men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very
+unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man
+if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was
+only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same
+proportion _as the prize-money_,--the greatest part _among the
+officers_."
+
+
+        MDXCII.--SOMETHING SHARP.
+
+WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the
+House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with
+a lemon in it.--G. A'B.
+
+
+        MDXCIII.--AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.
+
+A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter
+inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No,"
+was his reply, "I make a point of never attending _rehearsals_!"
+
+
+        MDXCIV.--A SIMILE.
+
+    VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass,
+    Do some resemblance show;
+    Because the longer time they run,
+    The shallower they grow!
+
+
+        MDXCV.--A WIDE DIFFERENCE.
+
+ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous
+health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician
+and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My
+physician has always been a _horse_, and my apothecary an _ass_!"
+
+
+        MDXCVI.--ASPIRING POVERTY.
+
+A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish
+designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "_very_ large, _very_
+handsome, and _very_ cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very
+poor; in fact, having only L----."--"Say _thirty shillings_ more,"
+replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"
+
+
+        MDXCVII.--A TENDER SUGGESTION.
+
+A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy
+gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly
+replied, "I wish your honor's _heart was as tender as your toes_."
+
+
+        MDXCVIII.--SUDDEN FREEDOM.
+
+A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and
+the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set
+the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.--S.S.
+
+
+        MDXCIX.--EPIGRAM.
+
+    THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee
+    Only in this, that you both painted be.
+
+
+        MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.
+
+A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the
+spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O,
+ma'am, because such _very fat people used to go through_" (a reply
+concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish
+it can have no perception of real wit").
+
+
+        MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.
+
+LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation
+Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I
+wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett _cannot see_ the
+imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said
+Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has _the sun (son) in his eye_."
+
+
+        MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.
+
+AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty
+urchin" said, "My honey, all the _polish_ you have is upon your boots
+and I gave you that."
+
+
+        MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.
+
+ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the
+reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court,
+on the ground that he was _cabinet-making_. The chancellor maliciously
+disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an
+occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a
+_turner_ or a _joiner_."
+
+
+        MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.
+
+A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish
+laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you
+can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said
+Pat, "an' yer honor's a _gintleman_!"
+
+
+        MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.
+
+    THEY cannot be complete in aught
+      Who are not humorously prone;
+    A man without a merry thought
+      Can hardly have a funny bone.
+
+
+        MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.
+
+HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention
+directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the
+street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to
+the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,--_are
+you anybody in particular_?" Before the astonished magnifico could
+collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query,
+Hook had passed on.
+
+
+        MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.
+
+A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a _hone_, I sharpen a number
+of _blades_, but I wear myself in doing it."
+
+
+        MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.
+
+JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who
+was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my
+cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "_At which end_, my lord?"
+
+
+        MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the
+_lowest_ of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the
+_foundation_ of all wit."
+
+
+        MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.
+
+LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him
+when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver
+minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one
+occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed,
+"Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"--"I wish _I
+was_," suddenly interposed the weary minister.
+
+
+        MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.
+
+    BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred,
+    How high his honor holds his haughty head!
+
+
+        MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.
+
+"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as
+he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he
+replied, "the Lord Mayor _finds me_ to-day."
+
+
+        MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.
+
+SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room
+as all the members were seated and ready to commence business.
+Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a
+droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman _move_ that I
+may take the _chair_?"
+
+
+        MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.
+
+A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied
+that he kept a _hot-house_.
+
+
+        MDCXV.--LONG AGO.
+
+A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed
+by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time,"
+he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had _no tongue_."--"Yes," said
+the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very _very long_ since!"
+
+
+        MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.
+
+WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the
+lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him
+"suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied,
+"Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but
+whensoever so I do, _then thrust me out of your doors_."
+
+
+        MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.
+
+    IF two decided negatives will make
+    Together one affirmative, let's take
+    P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue _per se_,
+    Who by this rule an honest pair will be.
+
+
+        MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.
+
+A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he
+came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling
+mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after
+him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then
+you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least _take care
+of me for your own sake_."
+
+
+        MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.
+
+A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of
+his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could
+not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little
+he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice,
+"I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir,"
+said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able
+to tell ye, for we're _just trying to settle that point_."
+
+
+        MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.
+
+CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was
+familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never
+comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned
+counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend,"
+said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh
+without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the
+judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a
+_contingent remainder_ without any particular _estate_ to support it."
+
+
+        MDCXXI.--AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.
+
+ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney
+Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I
+hope you will not _disagree_ with the man who eats you!"
+
+
+        MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.
+
+    "MY dear, what makes you always yawn?"
+    The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
+          "Is home so dull and dreary?"
+    "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
+    But man and wife are _one_, you know;
+          And when _alone_ I'm weary!"
+
+
+        MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.
+
+CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he
+could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening
+his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the
+advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of
+Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the
+least thirsty."--"It _is_ very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for
+every one agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."
+
+
+        MDCXXIV.--SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.
+
+AS for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"--and the water, "put naught in,
+in malice."
+
+
+        MDCXXV.--A JURY CASE.
+
+CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused
+by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of
+resuming _nisi prius_ business, said: "I had been under full sail to
+fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I
+have been only bearing up under _jury_-masts."
+
+
+        MDCXXVI.--SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.
+
+LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the
+hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the
+encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My
+Lord, I only took you to--" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend,
+the guinea is for _bringing me back_, not for taking me out."
+
+
+        MDCXXVII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."
+
+A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will
+dictate particulars."--"I give and I bequeath," commenced the man of
+law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I
+will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."--"Well, then,"
+suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I
+_lend_, until the last day?'"--"Yes, yes, _that will do_," eagerly
+rejoined the miser.
+
+
+        MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.
+
+    WHO seeks to please all men each way,
+      And not himself offend,
+    He may begin his work to-day,
+      But who knows when he'll end?
+
+
+        MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.
+
+MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of
+punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and
+solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the
+demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew
+who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the _drama_, if we don't
+encourage one another."
+
+
+        MDCXXX.--A CELESTIAL VISION.
+
+QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than
+men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of
+Nature, madam; we always see more of _heaven than earth_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXI.--DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.
+
+ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that,
+being about to compile a history of distinguished families in
+Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith _arms_. "I regret,
+sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so
+valuable a work; but _the Smiths_ never had any _arms_, and have
+invariably sealed their letters with their _thumbs_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.
+
+A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and
+silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of
+boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--_fatal
+to parrots_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.
+
+WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him
+for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a
+bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North
+Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and
+liberal mind, and you know that I cannot _help coming from
+Scotland_."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "_no more_ can the rest
+of your countrymen."
+
+
+        MDCXXXIV.--DONE FOR.
+
+TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in
+a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what
+it's for."--"Done," said the other. "_It is for sale_." The bet was
+paid.
+
+
+        MDCXXXV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.
+
+THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. _Pints_
+cannot be deemed _pot_ations."
+
+
+        MDCXXXVI.--THE DOG TAX.
+
+BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has
+the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold
+remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about
+town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones _pays the dog-tax for you_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.
+
+HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety _parsonified_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.
+
+ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an
+attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade
+in the country. "Why, do you _bury_ your attorneys here?" asked Foote.
+"Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in
+London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage,
+then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room
+over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the
+morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement;
+"what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know
+is, there's _a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning_."
+
+
+        MDCXXXIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.
+
+A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose
+nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are
+always making observations upon _my nose_; perhaps you think it was made
+at the _expense_ of yours."
+
+
+        MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.
+
+A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely
+remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy _sight_ it
+would be!"
+
+
+        MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.
+
+A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear _rouge_. "I can give
+you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for _one_ cheek."
+
+
+        MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.
+
+BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had
+occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity
+of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were,
+after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the
+residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible
+for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known
+preservatives against ague; the one is, a _good deal of care_ and a
+_little port wine_; the other, a _little care_ and a _good deal of port
+wine_. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the
+_latter_, it is at all events a remedy which _incumbents_ can afford
+better than _curates_."
+
+
+        MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.
+
+A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent,
+said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with
+proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with
+William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon,
+"they _found mine here_ when they comed."
+
+
+        MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.
+
+A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to
+send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird
+answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will
+no the world see _him_?"
+
+
+        MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.
+
+IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for
+himself without a _fee_, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea
+out of one pocket and put it _into the other_.
+
+
+        MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.
+
+WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a _pert_ young fellow
+asked him what he would give to be as _young_ as he. "I would be
+content," cried Foote, "to be as _foolish_." Jerrold made a similar
+reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick.
+"Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your
+stomach."
+
+
+        MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.
+
+ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many
+things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a
+dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in
+counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after
+destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave
+it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I _can't_ make him."--"Nay,
+Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done
+more; instead of one pig, you have made a _litter_."
+
+
+        MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.
+
+MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir
+Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he
+verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said
+Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors _change_
+Manners.'"
+
+
+        MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.
+
+A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship
+and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on
+the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her
+enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened
+to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently
+thought you better than _nun_."
+
+
+        MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.
+
+A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to
+prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth
+open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is
+_too short_, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."
+
+
+        MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.
+
+A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one
+should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed
+property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a
+_wise-acre_?"
+
+
+        MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.
+
+TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their
+expenses, agreed the one to _board_, and the other to _lodge_.
+
+
+        MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.
+
+CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge:
+the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen
+struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the
+elephant did not secure _an inside_ place."--"He was too late, my
+friend," replied Canning; "he was detained _packing up his trunk_."
+
+
+        MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUCUMBER.
+
+SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the
+Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the
+embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and
+insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly _cold_ it was,"
+said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you
+know he is the, Duke of _Cu-cum-ber-land_."
+
+
+        MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.
+
+A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors
+commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a
+good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who
+resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied
+the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong,
+for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, _I found it
+there_."
+
+
+        MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.
+
+SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his
+master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a
+gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the
+purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have
+taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master _sends his
+compliments_ to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."
+
+
+        MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.
+
+FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under
+his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play
+elsewhere, as _one scraper at the door_ was sufficient.
+
+
+        MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.
+
+A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the
+_little rascal_. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been
+given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he,
+"who are all _great rascals_."
+
+
+        MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.
+
+DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the
+Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning
+conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom
+very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain
+of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in
+a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked
+constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he
+desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a
+valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince.
+After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so
+repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and
+taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek
+characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) _Fie! Rowe!_ The poet was so
+mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.
+
+
+        MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.
+
+    'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat,
+      Always abuses in his chatter:
+    He's truly such a thorough flat,
+      We can't expect to see him _flatter_.
+
+
+        MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.
+
+AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a
+distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "_I am in horrible
+good health at present_."
+
+
+        MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.
+
+AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "_Bear_
+sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook,
+"if he means to apprise us that the article is his own _Bruin_."
+
+
+        MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.
+
+THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his
+promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a
+great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great
+deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due
+solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a
+high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not
+take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy,
+with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether
+he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied
+Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite _over_
+your face."
+
+
+        MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.
+
+LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely
+remarked to Alexis Soyer, _chef de cuisine_, that his female assistants
+were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "_plain_ cooks will
+not do here."
+
+
+        MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.
+
+AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the
+hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a
+hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts
+down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private
+concern, and what I gives is _nothing to nobody_."
+
+
+        MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.
+
+DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend
+bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but
+everything suffers by a _translation_,--except a _bishop_!"
+
+
+        MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.
+
+PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the
+simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House
+of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord
+Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he
+was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him,
+"Honest man, you have no business here. _Honest man_ you _can_ have no
+business _in this place_."--"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are
+right; _honest men_ can have no business here."
+
+
+        MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the
+_Edinburgh Review_, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an
+account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?"
+asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book _before_
+reviewing it; _it prejudices one so_."
+
+
+        MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.
+
+ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was
+returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that
+"there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke
+of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent
+and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the
+interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him
+to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan
+only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and
+intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter;
+though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would
+give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's _entire_."
+
+
+        MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.
+
+A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when
+sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference
+between a _shilling_ and _sixpence_."--"But you will, young gentleman,"
+an old economist replied, "when you come to be _worth eighteen-pence_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.
+
+DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of
+Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a
+_wet_ martyrdom, and the other's a _dry one_.
+
+
+        MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE ASSURANCE.
+
+THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer
+from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in
+the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices
+put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found
+that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these
+admonitory words, "Let them _insure_, as they wish to be saved."
+
+
+        MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.
+
+A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of
+hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have
+been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so
+indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of
+you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself
+at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O,
+Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the
+trouble of _putting it into my pocket_ for me."
+
+
+        MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.
+
+A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was
+mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the
+"scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."
+
+
+        MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.
+
+A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town,
+where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the
+servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak
+to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not
+willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would
+step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is
+_gone out_ too," replied the girl.
+
+
+        MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.
+
+"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend,
+for _I have tried baith_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.
+
+WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of
+Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those
+who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial
+for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr.
+Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful
+to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular
+obligation to _you_ for the _very remarkable countenance_ you have
+_shown_ me upon this occasion."
+
+
+        MDCLXXVIII.--THE SALIC LAW
+
+IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry
+from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.
+
+
+        MDCLXXIX.--CHARLES JAMES FOX.
+
+AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor
+about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel
+with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it
+had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been
+all over with me, if you had not charged with _government powder_!"
+
+
+        MDCLXXX.--PREFERMENT.
+
+AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m,
+during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than
+the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives
+than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One
+morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus
+addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop,
+and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of
+W----r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that will
+do_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXI.--COMPLIMENTARY.
+
+A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter
+continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire.
+"Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm
+_responsible_ for the silver."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXII.--DR. DONNE.
+
+DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and
+noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great
+asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money
+from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him:
+"John Donne, Anne Donne, _undone_." This quibble had the desired effect,
+and the distressed couple were restored to favor.
+
+
+        MDCLXXXIII.--VULGARITY.
+
+SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of
+something, that it was _vulgar_, gave the young lady the following
+temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you
+know, after all, the meaning of this word _vulgar_? 'Tis only _common_;
+nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of
+in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be
+disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth
+having or caring about in this world is _uncommon_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXIV.--AN EXPENSIVE JOB.
+
+A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to
+one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why,
+yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our
+reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in
+vain."--"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish
+_to repentance_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXV.--PROSINESS.
+
+A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a
+stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really
+thought he should have _died_ with laughter."--"I wish to heaven you
+had," was Jerrold's reply.
+
+
+        MDCLXXXVI.--A PLEASANT MESSAGE.
+
+MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the
+commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was
+applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to
+the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be
+paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in
+which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary
+and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards
+_to him_; and tell him how much we _missed him_ during the festival!"
+
+
+        MDCLXXXVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.
+
+AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one
+morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came
+up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on
+the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "_What's the
+matter_?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied,
+"_No matter, Berkeley_."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.
+
+A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had
+_brass_ enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have
+_sauce_ enough to fill it."
+
+
+        MDCLXXXIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.
+
+DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for
+him, received the following:
+
+    "_Here lies Fuller's earth_!"
+
+
+        MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.
+
+SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal
+invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord,
+if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll _stay there all
+night_." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked
+his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the
+reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes
+_larger_ than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them
+_smaller_ than the other!"
+
+
+        MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.
+
+AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its
+quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical
+_naivete_: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that _a
+pig can require_?"
+
+
+        MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.
+
+IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and
+Water."--"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the
+anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can
+fire and water produce but a _hiss_?"
+
+
+        MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.
+
+LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very
+much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a
+degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must _eat a peck of
+dirt_ before he dies."--"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no
+one is obliged to eat it all _at one meal_, you dirty dog."
+
+
+        MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.
+
+(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)
+
+    THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has,
+    'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).
+
+
+        MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.
+
+DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke
+loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical
+against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of
+me."--"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was
+present, "unless you know what people _say in the other world_."
+
+
+        MDCXCVI.--A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.
+
+A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the
+difference between _exportation_ and _transportation_. "Why, my dear,"
+he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, _you_
+would be _exported_, and _I_ should be _transported_!"
+
+
+        MDCXCVII.--DOUBLE SIGHT.
+
+A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed
+person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have
+lost," says the first; "I can see the _two_ eyes in your face, and you
+can see only _one_ in mine."
+
+
+        MDCXCVIII.--WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.
+
+SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has
+not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt
+illustrious."--"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an
+O than our family; for, in truth, we _owe_ everybody."
+
+
+        MDCXCIX.--A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.
+
+    SAID Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool,
+      Get out of my way, do you hear?"
+    Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule
+      I'm much _in your way_ as I fear."
+
+
+        MDCC.--A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.
+
+THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting
+Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself!
+"Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to
+meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but
+said, "_he was engaged with him elsewhere_."
+
+
+        MDCCI.--A ROYAL JEST.
+
+A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the
+rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance;
+and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church,
+"Rather for the _steeple_," replied the royal humorist.
+
+
+        MDCCII.--EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.
+
+LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was
+married to a gamester, replied, "that _cards and brimstone_ made the
+best matches."
+
+
+        MDCCIII.--A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.
+
+THE reigning _bore_ at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his
+favorite subject the _North Pole_. One day the arch tormentor met
+Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole.
+Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him,
+exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L---- shortly
+after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North
+Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what
+Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,--he respects nothing,
+absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more
+than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the
+_Equator_."
+
+
+        MDCCIV.--MULTIPLYING ONE.
+
+SYDNEY SMITH once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round
+it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I
+took it for a _meeting of the clergy_, and was delighted of course."
+
+
+        MDCCV.--AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.
+
+    WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go,
+    The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."
+    At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess,
+    For from grammar I learned _No_ and _No_ stood for _Yes_.
+
+
+        MDCCVI.--THE RULING PASSION.
+
+A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn
+out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist
+rubbing her temples with Hungary water, _as it would make her hair
+gray_!
+
+
+        MDCCVII.--INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.
+
+A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning,
+was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast
+with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will _not
+digest_."
+
+
+        MDCCVIII.--SELF-INTEREST.
+
+THOSE who wish to tax anything containing _intelligence_, must be
+actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they
+are not likely to feel _the burden_.
+
+
+        MDCCIX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
+
+A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts,
+and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "_It will be long
+enough before I get another_," answered the student. The reply tickled
+the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed
+laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him
+what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied
+reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he
+answered, _it will be a long time before I get another_."--"Well,
+there's nothing very funny in that."--"Neither there is," said the
+professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have
+been something in _the way he said it_."
+
+
+        MDCCX.--FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.
+
+WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the
+kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The
+true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her
+country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's
+very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several
+times _all over grease_!"--"They may tell you what they please above or
+below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover
+in my life!"--"Nay, now, that must be a _fib_," says Foote, "for I have
+myself seen you at _Spithead_!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the
+exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."
+
+
+        MDCCXI.--_L'Envoy_.
+
+THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE,
+that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.
+
+
+        DINNER CODE.
+
+_Of the Amphitryon.--His Rights._
+
+Art. 1.--The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as
+long as the meal, and ends with it.
+
+Art. 2.--It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his
+guests.
+
+Art. 3.--He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the
+females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two,
+which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.
+
+_His Duties._
+
+Art. 1.--Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches
+with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to
+his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the
+vigorous appetite.
+
+Art. 2.--He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.
+
+Art. 3.--He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale
+jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his
+best security against a violation of this _article_.
+
+Art. 4.--The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should
+never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.
+
+Art. 5.--On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over
+the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by
+it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.
+
+_Of the Guests._
+
+Art. 1.--The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at
+whatever inconvenience to himself.
+
+Art. 2.--When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil
+way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that
+of which he has just partaken.
+
+Art. 3.--A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a
+conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is
+a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be
+inconsiderately distracted.
+
+Art. 4.--Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even
+in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a _dinde aux truffes_.
+
+Art. 5.--An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the
+Amphitryon.
+
+Art. 6.--A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during
+the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as
+long as digestion.
+
+Art. 7.--To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the
+person of his cook.
+
+Art. 8.--A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who
+deserts.
+
+_On Vicinity to Ladies._
+
+Art. 1.--He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her _cavaliere
+servente_. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as
+over his own.
+
+Art. 2.--The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in
+the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey
+the recommendations of her knight on this subject.
+
+Art. 3.--It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness
+during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be
+complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the
+dessert.
+
+_On Vicinity to Men._
+
+Art. 1.--When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each
+other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,--the
+_last_ offer becomes an error after one refusal.
+
+Art. 2.--On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any
+precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool
+the plate in question for both parties.
+
+Art. 3.--If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast
+must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.
+
+Art. 4.--Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to
+converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them
+is inviting the other to dinner.
+
+Art. 5.--Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more
+wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each
+other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"
+
+_On Vicinity to Children._
+
+Single Article.--The only course to be pursued, if you have the
+misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is to make him tipsy as
+quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.
+
+_On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism._
+
+Art. 1.--The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the
+articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his
+gayety upon the people who sit round it.
+
+Art. 2.--By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine _a la
+Russe_) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.
+
+Art. 3.--A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little
+sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when
+serving himself _last_, serve himself also the _best_.
+
+Art. 4.--Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to
+some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly
+for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,--merely out of
+politeness to her.
+
+Art. 5.--The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing:
+never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.
+
+
+
+
+INDEX.
+
+                             PAGE
+
+  A. I, 33
+
+  Abbey Church at Bath, The, 244
+
+  A Bed of--Where?, 238
+
+  Abernethy, Mr., 77
+
+  Above Proof, 297
+
+  Absent Man, An, 116
+
+  Absurdly Logical, 319
+
+  Acceptable Deprivation, An, 201
+
+  Accommodating, 213
+
+  Accommodating Physician, An, 180
+
+  Accommodating Principles, 153
+
+  Accurate Description, 201
+
+  Acres and Wiseacres, 355
+
+  Act of Justice, An, 147
+
+  Actor, 222
+
+  Advantageous Tithe, An, 255
+
+  Advertisement, Extraordinary, 88
+
+  Advice Gratis, 160
+
+  Advice to a Dramatist, 199
+
+  Advice to the Young, 138
+
+  Affectation, 98
+
+  Affectionate Hint, An, 344
+
+  Aged Young Lady, The, 235
+
+  Agreeable and not Complimentary, 71
+
+  Agreeable Practice, An, 248
+
+  Agricultural Experiences, 184
+
+  Alere Flamman, 252
+
+  A-Liquid, 140
+
+  Allegorical Representation, 310
+
+  All the Difference, 5, 367
+
+  All the Same, 314
+
+  Almanac-makers, 159
+
+  Alone in his Glory, 14
+
+  Always the Better, 336
+
+  Amende Honorable, The, 310
+
+  American Penance, 217
+
+  Ample Apology, An, 356
+
+  Anecdote, An, 86
+
+  Anglo-French Alliance, The, 50
+
+  Angry Ocean, The, 81
+
+  Answered at Once, 288
+
+  Answering her According to her Folly, 345
+
+  Anticipated Calamity, An, 349
+
+  Anticipation, 110
+
+  Any Change for the Better, 220
+
+  Any Port in a Storm, 57
+
+  Apish Resemblance, An, 322
+
+  Apt Reproof, An, 307
+
+  Arcadia, 24
+
+  Arcadian, An, 128
+
+  Architectural Pun, An, 61
+
+  Argument, An, 125
+
+  Artificial Heat, 28
+
+  Artistic Touch, An, 171
+
+  As Black as he could be painted, 337
+
+  Aspiring Poverty, 345
+
+  Assurance and Insurance, 228
+
+  As You Like It, 87
+
+  At his Fingers' Ends, 106
+
+  Attending to a Wish, 169
+
+  Attic Jest, An 69
+
+  Attired to Tire, 343
+
+  Audley, The Late Lord, 130
+
+  Auricular Confession, 227
+
+  Awkward Orthography, 298
+
+  "Aye! There's the Rub", 93
+
+
+  BACK-HANDED HIT, A, 209
+
+  Bacon, 138
+
+  Bad Bargain, A, 131
+
+  Bad Company, 166
+
+  Bad Crop, A, 18, 58
+
+  Bad Customer, A, 96
+
+  Bad End, A, 153
+
+  Bad Example, A, 1
+
+  Bad Habit, 136
+
+  Bad Harvest, A, 23
+
+  Bad Judge, A, 287
+
+  Bad Label, A, 92
+
+  Bad Lot, A, 182
+
+  Bad Medium, A, 217
+
+  Bad Pen, A, 72
+
+  Bad Preacher, A, 226
+
+  Bad Shot, A, 12
+
+  Bad Sport, 146
+
+  Balance, A, 233
+
+  Balancing Accounts, 66
+
+  Banker's Check, A, 17
+
+  Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, 305
+
+  Bark and Bite, 231
+
+  Barry's Powers of Pleasing, 34
+
+  Base Joke, A, 347
+
+  Base One, A, 97
+
+  Bearable Pun, A, 358
+
+  Bear and Van, 16
+
+  Bearding a Barber, 2
+
+  Benefit of Competition, 212
+
+  Best Judge, The, 110
+
+  Best Wine, The, 193
+
+  Better Known than Trusted, 193
+
+  Betting, 155
+
+  Bewick, the Engraver, 194
+
+  Bill Paid in Full, 228
+
+  Billy Brown and the Counsellor, 50
+
+  Birth of a Prince, The, 178
+
+  Bishop and Churchwarden, A, 71
+
+  Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, 55
+
+  Bit of Moonshine, A, 335
+
+  Black and White, 19
+
+  Black Joke, A, 159
+
+  Black Letter, 101
+
+  Black Oils, 18
+
+  Blowing a Nose, 55
+
+  Book Case, A, 70
+
+  Boswell's "Life of Johnson", 154
+
+  Braham and Kenney, 237
+
+  Bred on the Boards, 162
+
+  Brevity, 81
+
+  Brevity of Charity, 215
+
+  Brief Correspondence, 179
+
+  "Brief Let It Be", 210
+
+  Bright and Sharp, 63
+
+  Bright Rejoinder, A, 346
+
+  Bringing his Man Down, 245
+
+  Broad-brim Hint, A, 81
+
+  Broad Hint, A, 85, 165
+
+  Broad-Sheet Hint, A, 75
+
+  Broken Head, A, 98
+
+  Brotherly Love, 46, 300
+
+  Brutal Affections, 67
+
+  Budget of Blunders, A, 141
+
+  Buried Worth, 56
+
+  Burke and Fox, 258
+
+  Burke's Tediousness, 270
+
+  Business and Pleasure, 326
+
+  Busy Bodies, 124
+
+  But one Good Translation, 358
+
+  Byron Libellous, 342
+
+
+  CABAL, A, 31
+
+  Calculation, 105
+
+  Calculation, A, 265
+
+  Caledonian Comfort, 99
+
+  Calf's Head Surprised, 25
+
+  Caliban's Looking-glass, 51
+
+  Calumny, 220
+
+  Cambridge Etiquette, 76
+
+  Candid Counsel, A, 156
+
+  Candid on both Sides, 222
+
+  Candle and Lantern, The, 125
+
+  Candor, 73
+
+  Canine Poetry, 169
+
+  Canning's Parasites, 71
+
+  Capital Joke, A, 56
+
+  Capital Letter, A, 14
+
+  Cap This, 26
+
+  Carrots Classically Considered, 222
+
+  Cart before the Horse, The, 60
+
+  Case of Necessity, A, 189
+
+  Cash Payments, 149
+
+  Catching him Up, 70
+
+  Cause and Effect, 226, 344
+
+  Cause of Absence, 40
+
+  Cause, The, 158
+
+  Cautious Lover, A, 108
+
+  Celestial Vision, A, 351
+
+  Certain Crop, A, 208
+
+  Certainly not Asleep, 109
+
+  Certainty, A, 83
+
+  Challenging a Jury, 107
+
+  Change for a Guinea, 337
+
+  Change for the Better, A, 197
+
+  Changing Hats, 280
+
+  Changing his Coat, 3
+
+  Changing his Line, 39
+
+  Characteristics, 237
+
+  Charitable Wit, 195
+
+  Charity and Inconvenience, 326
+
+  Charity begins at Home, 312
+
+  Charles, Duke of Norfolk, 271
+
+  Charles II. and Milton, 192
+
+  Chartist not a Leveller, A, 334
+
+  Chatham, Lord, 263
+
+  Cheap at the Money, 209
+
+  Cheap Cure, A, 17
+
+  Cheap Watch, A, 168
+
+  Check to the King, 22
+
+  Cheese and Dessert, 21
+
+  Chemical Oddity, 322
+
+  Chesterfield, Lord, 37
+
+  Chin-Surveying, 280
+
+  Choice of Evils, A, 334
+
+  Choice Spirits, 180
+
+  Church in the Way, The, 246
+
+  City Glutton, 358
+
+  City Love, 36
+
+  City Varnish, A, 61
+
+  Claim on the Country, A, 249
+
+  Classical Wit, 333
+
+  Claw and Claw, 54
+
+  Clear Case, A, 122
+
+  Clear the Court, 118
+
+  Clearing Emigrants, 272
+
+  Clerical Wit, 95
+
+  Clever Dog, A, 47
+
+  Climax, A, 19, 341
+
+  Clonmel, Lord, 172
+
+  Close Escape, A, 187
+
+  Close Translation, A, 317
+
+  Closer, A, 313
+
+  Coat-of-Arms, A, 211
+
+  Cockney Epigram, A, 36
+
+  Cold Comfort, 132
+
+  "Cold" Compliment, A, 73
+
+  Coleridge and Thelwall, 275
+
+  College Bell! The, 109
+
+  Collins, The late Mr., 24
+
+  Colonial Breweries, 313
+
+  Colorable Excuse, A, 179
+
+  Colorable Resemblance, A, 145
+
+  Come of Age, 9
+
+  Comedian and a Lawyer, A, 190
+
+  Common Case, A, 64
+
+  Common Politeness, 195
+
+  Common Want, A, 219
+
+  Comparative Virtue, 357
+
+  Comparison, A, 152, 234, 273
+
+  Comparisons are Odious, 2
+
+  Complimentary, 4, 362
+
+  Compliment, Elegant, 32
+
+  Compliment Ill-received, A, 78
+
+  Computation, 22
+
+  Conceited, but not Seated, 201
+
+  Con-cider-ate, 139
+
+  Concurrent Events, 134
+
+  Conditional Agreement, 315
+
+  Confidence, 103, 120
+
+  Confidence--taken from the French, 193
+
+  Confirmed Invalid, A, 1
+
+  Congratulation to One who Curled His Hair, 85
+
+  Conjugal Caution, 8
+
+  Conjugal Conclusion, A, 282
+
+  Connoisseur, The, 7
+
+  Connubial Compliment, A, 365
+
+  Conservative Logic, 300
+
+  Considerable Latitude, 44
+
+  Considerate Mayor, A, 292
+
+  Considerate Son, A, 89
+
+  Consistency, 179
+
+  Constancy, 245
+
+  Constitutional Pun, A, 4
+
+  Contraband Scotchman, 67
+
+  Convenient Theory, A, 358
+
+  Convert, A, 4
+
+  Cooke's Explanation of the Family Plate, 158
+
+  Cooking his Goose, 315
+
+  Cool as a Cucumber, 356
+
+  Cool Hand, A, 85
+
+  Cool Proposition, A, 299
+
+  Cool Retort, 208
+
+  Corporation Politeness, 219
+
+  Corruptly Incorruptible, 172
+
+  Couleur de Rose, 58
+
+  Coulson, Sir Thomas, 232
+
+  Credit, 269
+
+  Critical Politeness, 30
+
+  Criticising a Statue, 152
+
+  Critics, 60
+
+  Cromwell, 228
+
+  Cruel Case, A, 229
+
+  Cruel Suggestion, 68
+
+  Cup and Saucer, 200
+
+  Cut and Come Again, 51
+
+  Cut Direct, The, 124
+
+  Cut Infernal, The, 103
+
+  Cutting, 360
+
+  Cutting an Acquaintance, 253
+
+  Cutting his Coat, 57
+
+  Cutting off the Supplies, 310
+
+  Cutting on both Sides, 69
+
+
+  DAMPED ARDOR, 240
+
+  Dancing Prelates, The, 226
+
+  Dangerous Generalization, A, 243
+
+  Dead Language, 110
+
+  Deadly Weapon, A, 288
+
+  Dear Bargain, A, 323
+
+  Dear Speaker, A, 319
+
+  Death and Dr. Bolus, 335
+
+  Death-bed Forgiveness, 323
+
+  Debt Paid, The, 77
+
+  Debtor and Creditor, 126
+
+  Decanting Extraordinary, 168
+
+  Defining a Creed, 335
+
+  Degeneracy, 129
+
+  Delicate Hint, 130
+
+  Delpini's Remonstrance, 144
+
+  Democratic Vision, 80
+
+  Deserved Retort, A, 64
+
+  Destitution of the Smith Family, 351
+
+  Devil's Own, The, 229
+
+  Dialogue, A, 16
+
+  Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland, 279
+
+  Dido, 86
+
+  Difference, A, 4
+
+  Difference of Opinion, 277
+
+  Difficult Task, A, 188
+
+  Difficulties in either Case, 318
+
+  Diffidence, 185
+
+  Dilemma, A, 168
+
+  Dinner Code, 368
+
+  Direct Road, The, 197
+
+  Disappointing Subscriber, A, 194
+
+  Disapprobation, 45
+
+  "Distant" Friend, A, 259
+
+  Distant Prospect, A, 16
+
+  Distressful Denouement, A 300
+
+  Doctor Glynn's Receipt for Dressing a Cucumber, 285
+
+  Doctor Weather-eye, 59
+
+  Doctrine of Chances, The, 15
+
+  Dodging a Creditor, 136
+
+  Dogged Answer, A, 10
+
+  Dog-matic, 27
+
+  Dogmatism, 221
+
+  Dog Tax, The, 352
+
+  Doing Homage, 223
+
+  Domestic Economy, 92
+
+  Done for, 352
+
+  Donne, Dr., 362
+
+  Double Knock, A, 116
+
+  Double Sight, 365
+
+  "Double Times," A, 88
+
+  Doubt Explained, The, 353
+
+  Doubtful Compliment, A, 31
+
+  Doubtful Creed, A, 105
+
+  Dreadful Suspicion, A, 328
+
+  Drinking Alone, 174
+
+  Driving it Home, 113
+
+  Droll to Order, 322
+
+  Drop, A, 306
+
+  Dry, but not Thirsty, 350
+
+  Dry Fellow, A, 227
+
+  Dry Humor, 337
+
+  Dull Man, A, 274
+
+  Dulness of a Debate, 162
+
+  Dunning and Lord Mansfield, 39
+
+  Dunning and Lord Thurlow, 97
+
+  Duplex Movement, 58
+
+  Dutiful Daughter, A, 309
+
+
+  EARLY BIRDS OF PREY, 261
+
+  Early Habits, 342
+
+  Easily Answered, 135
+
+  Easily Satisfied, 164
+
+  East Indian Chaplaincy, An, 245
+
+  Easy as Lying, 29
+
+  Easy Way, An, 302
+
+  Ebenezer Adams, 150
+
+  Effort of Memory, An, 163
+
+  Elegant Compliment, 32
+
+  Elegant Retort, 205
+
+  Elliston and George IV., 240
+
+  Eloquent Silence, 117
+
+  Emperor of China, 48
+
+  Empty Gun, The, 113
+
+  Empty Head, An, 92
+
+  Encouragement, 216
+
+  Endless Task, An, 351
+
+  Entering the Lists, 236
+
+  Entertaining Proposition, An, 318
+
+  Envy, 238
+
+  EPIGRAMS:--
+    Accounting for the Apostacy of Ministers, 173
+    Addressed to Miss Edgeworth, 83
+    A Good Word for Ministers, 39
+    An Affirmative, 367
+    By a Plucked Man, 93
+    Conversational, 365
+    "Cumberland", 34
+    From the Italian, 82
+    "I'm Living Still", 17
+    "Life is a Lottery", 90
+    "Nature" the Shoulder to the Burden suits, 311
+    On a Bad Man, 47
+    On a Bald Head, 198
+    On a certain M.P.'s Indisposition, 196
+    On a Debtor Lord, 222
+    On a Gentleman named Heddy, 297
+    On a Great Talker, 337
+    On a Jury, 176
+    On a Lady who Squinted, 79
+    On a Lady who was Painted, 262
+    On a Little Member's Versatility, 203
+    On a New Duke, 37
+    On a Petit-Maitre Physician, 240
+    On a Squinting Poetess, 315
+    On a Stone thrown at a very Great Man, but which missed him, 26
+    On a Student, 232
+    On Alderman Wood, 224
+    On an M.P. who recently got his Election at the Sacrifice of his
+        Political Character, 214
+    On Bank Notes being made a Legal Tender, 53
+    On Bishop ----'s Religion, 365
+    On Black and White, 63
+    On Blank Cartridge, 341
+    On Bloomfield, the Poet, 291
+    On Butler's Monument, 340
+    On Charles Kean, the Actor, 80
+    On Cibber, 74
+    On "Disloyal" Collins, 336
+    On Dr. Glynn's Beauty, 182
+    On Dr. Lettsom, 290
+    On Dr. Walcot's Application for Shield's Ivory Opera Pass, 315
+    On Dr. Walcot's Request for Ivory Tickets, 318
+    On Drink, 182
+    On Hearing a prosing Harangue from a certain Bishop, 245
+    On Interminable Harangues, 76
+    On Jekyll's nearly being thrown down by a very small Pig, 116
+    On L--d--d--y, 81
+    On Lord ----'s delivering his Speeches in a sitting Position, owing
+        to excessive Gout, 121
+    On Lord E--nb--h's Pericranium, 89
+    On Lord W----'s saying the Independence of the House of Lords is
+        gone, 193
+    On Marriage, 170
+    On Meanness, 117
+    On Mr. Croker, 111
+    On Mr. Gully, 234
+    On Mr. Pitt's being pelted by the Mob, 295
+    On Mr. Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper, 239
+    On Neglect of Judicial Duties, 129
+    On Phryne, 345
+    On Pride, 101
+    On Rogers, the Poet, 226
+    On Shelley's Poem, "Prometheus Unbound", 230
+    On Sir Walter Scott's Poem of "Waterloo", 304
+    On the alleged Disinterestedness of a certain Prelate, 109
+    On the charge of Illegally Pawning brought against Captain B----,
+        M.P., 200
+    On the Column to the Duke of York's Memory, 29
+    On the Death of Foote, 81
+    On the Depth of Lord ----'s Arguments, 88
+    On the Disappointment of the Whigs, 307
+    On the Duke of ----'s Consistency, 104
+    On the Four Georges, 294
+    On the Immortality of ----'s Speeches, 89
+    On the King's Double Dealing, 166
+    On the late Duke of Buckingham's Moderate Reform, 328
+    On the Marriage of a very thin Couple, 172
+    On the Name of Keopalani, 153
+    On the Oiled and Perfumed Ringlets of a certain Lord, 178
+    On the Price of Admission to see the Mammoth Horse, 266
+    On the Sincerity of a certain Prelate, 134
+    On Two Contractors, 316
+    On the Two Harveys, 247
+    On Wolsey, 347
+    On ----'s Ponderous Speeches, 223
+    On ----'s Veracity, 319
+    "Pocket your Watch", 131
+    Suggested by hearing a Debate, 241
+    The Tanner, 115
+    "There's Nobody at Home", 65
+    To Closefist, 303
+    To Lady Mount E----, 300
+    "Turncoat", 46
+    Upon the Trustworthiness of ---- ----, 332
+    "Very like a Whale", 154
+    Written on the Union, 1801, 298
+
+  Episcopal Sauce, 114
+
+  Epitaph for Sir John Vanbrugh, 16
+
+  Epitaph on a Miser, 220
+
+  Epitaphs, 247
+
+  Epitaph upon Peter Staggs, 227
+
+  Error Corrected, An, 237
+
+  Erskine, Henry, 220, 244
+
+  Erskine's Firmness, 327
+
+  "Essay on Man", 185
+
+  Equal to Nothing, 177
+
+  Equality, 52, 156
+
+  Equality of the Law, 288
+
+  Equitable Law, 290
+
+  Equivocal Preference, An, 355
+
+  Equivocation, An, 198
+
+  Erasmus _v._ Luther, 293
+
+  Error in Judgment, 306
+
+  Erudite, 302
+
+  Euclid Refuted, 162, 333
+
+  Evasion, An, 335
+
+  Evidence of a Jockey, 75
+
+  Exaggeration, 160
+
+  Excusable Fear, 275
+
+  Excuse for Cowardice, 295
+
+  Existence of Matter, 363
+
+  Expectoration, 211
+
+  Expensive Job, An, 362
+
+  Expensive Trip, An, 311
+
+  Experimentum Crucis, 324
+
+  Explanation, An, 180
+
+  Extenuating Circumstances, 119
+
+  Extinguisher, An, 12
+
+  Extraordinary Compromise, 177
+
+  Extreme Simplicity, 87
+
+  Extremely Sulphurous, 366
+
+  Extremes Meet, 59, 77
+
+  Eye to Profit, An, 33
+
+
+  FAIR DISTRIBUTION, A, 344
+
+  Fair Play, 204
+
+  Fair Proposal, A, 105
+
+  Fair Repulse, A, 54
+
+  Fair Substitute, A, 4
+
+  Fairly Won, 293
+
+  Fall in Mitres, A, 23
+
+  False Delicacy, 23
+
+  False Estimate, 216
+
+  False Face True, A, 292
+
+  False Quantities, 154
+
+  False Quantity, 27
+
+  Familiar Friend, A, 329
+
+  Familiar Illustration, A, 41
+
+  Familiarity, 177
+
+  Family Party, A, 25
+
+  Family Pride, 74
+
+  Farcical, 364
+
+  Farmer and Attorney, 44
+
+  Farren, the Actor, On, 54
+
+  Fashion and Virtue, 329
+
+  Fat and Lean, 264
+
+  Fatigue Duty, 152
+
+  Favorite Air, A, 210
+
+  Fear of Educating Women, 140
+
+  Feeling His Way, 103
+
+  Feeling Witness, A, 59
+
+  Female Talkers, 49
+
+  Few Friends, 185
+
+  Fiction and Truth, 264
+
+  Fig for the Grocer, A, 150
+
+  Fighting by Measure, 49
+
+  Filial Affection, 182
+
+  Fillip for Him, A, 18
+
+  Fire and Water, 155
+
+  Fire of London, The, 31
+
+  Fishing for a Compliment, 82
+
+  Fishy, Rather, 80
+
+  Fixture, A, 74
+
+  Flash of Wit, A, 276
+
+  Flattery turned to Advantage, 30
+
+  Flying Colors, 318
+
+  Following a Leader, 78
+
+  Fool and His Money, A, 359
+
+  Fool Confirmed, A, 252
+
+  Fool or Knave, The, 313
+
+  Foote, 96
+
+  Foote and Lord Townsend, 94
+
+  Foote's Last Joke, 368
+
+  Footiana, 169
+
+  Foraging, 116
+
+  Force of Habit, The, 125, 257
+
+  Force of Nature, 55
+
+  Force of Satire, The, 49
+
+  Forcible Argument, A, 276
+
+  Foreign Accent, A, 29
+
+  Forgetful Man, A, 181
+
+  Fortunate Expedient, A, 294
+
+  Fortunate Stars, 270
+
+  Fowl Joke, A, 311
+
+  Fox, Charles James, 361
+
+  Free Translation, A, 355
+
+  French Language, 109
+
+  French Precipitation, 52
+
+  Full House, A, 257
+
+  Full Inside, 170
+
+  Full Proof, 74
+
+  Full Stop, A, 264
+
+  Funeral Invitation, 356
+
+
+  GAMBLING, 234
+
+  Garrick and Foote, 199
+
+  Garth and Rowe, 357
+
+  Generosity and Prudence, 213
+
+  Gently, Jemmy, 151
+
+  Genuine Irish Bull, 128
+
+  Genuine Laziness, 360
+
+  George II. and the Recorder, 106
+
+  Getting a Living, 274
+
+  "Getting the Worst of It", 340
+
+  Gluttons and Epicures, 153
+
+  Going from the Point, 335
+
+  Going to Extremes, 332
+
+  Gone Out, 360
+
+  Good Advice, 3, 152, 209, 211
+
+  Good at a Pinch, 223
+
+  Good Appetite, A, 254
+
+  Good at the Halt, 302
+
+  Good Authority, 173
+
+  Good Character, A, 304
+
+  Good Critic, A, 114
+
+  Good Enough for a Pig, 364
+
+  Good Evidence, 227
+
+  Good Example, A, 83
+
+  Good Excuse, A, 134
+
+  Good Eyes, 274
+
+  Good Hearing, 206
+
+  Good-hearted Fellow, A, 81
+
+  Good Investment, A, 235
+
+  Good Jail Delivery, A, 183
+
+  Good Joke, A, 210
+
+  Good Judge, A, 361
+
+  Good Likeness, A, 253
+
+  Good Mixture, A, 283
+
+  Good Neighbor, A, 197
+
+  Good News for the Chancellor, 144
+
+  Good One, A, 135
+
+  Good Parson, A, 14
+
+  Good Place, A, 30
+
+  Good Reason, A, 47, 50, 53, 78
+
+  Good Reason for a Bad Cause, A, 313
+
+  Good Recommendation, A, 266
+
+  Good Riddance, 105
+
+  Good Servant, A, 66
+
+  Good Sport, 65
+
+  Good Swimmer, A, 171
+
+  Good Translation, A, 138
+
+  Good Wife, A, 250
+
+  Gouty Shoe, The, 189
+
+  Graceful Excuse, 175
+
+  Graceful Illustration, A, 230
+
+  Grafting, 218
+
+  Grammatical Distinction, A, 17
+
+  Grandiloquence, 248
+
+  Grandson, The, 299
+
+  Grave Doctor, A, 18
+
+  Great Cabbage, 251
+
+  Great Difference, A, 132
+
+  Gretna Customer, A, 100
+
+  Grim Joke, A, 360
+
+  Growl, A, 188
+
+  Grunt, A, 312
+
+  Guide to Government Situations, A, 59
+
+
+  HABEAS CORPUS ACT, 194
+
+  Half-way, 76
+
+  Hand and Glove, 21
+
+  Handsome Contribution, A, 42
+
+  Happiness, 41
+
+  Happy Man, A, 121
+
+  Happy Suggestion, A, 32
+
+  Hard Hit, A, 187
+
+  Hard of Digestion, 215
+
+  Hard-ware, 221
+
+  Having a Call, 258
+
+  Heavy Weight, A, 296
+
+  He "Lies Like Truth", 21
+
+  He who Sung "The Lays of Ancient Rome", 322
+
+  Henry VIII., 278
+
+  Hero-phobia, 20
+
+  Hesitation in his Writing, 59
+
+  Hiatus, A, 102
+
+  Hic-cupping, 10
+
+  High and Low, 36
+
+  High Gaming, 215
+
+  Highland Politeness, 186
+
+  Hinc Ille Lachrymae, 70
+
+  Hint for Genealogists, A, 191
+
+  His Way--Out, 188
+
+  Hoaxing an Audience, 206
+
+  Holland's Funeral, 308
+
+  Home Argument, A, 72
+
+  Home is Home, 19
+
+  Honest Horse, An, 31
+
+  Honest Man's Litany, The, 204
+
+  Honest Warranty, An, 94
+
+  Honor, 311
+
+  Honor to Tipperary, An, 338
+
+  Hook's Politeness, 127
+
+  Hopeful Pupil, The, 124
+
+  Hopeless Invasion, A, 322
+
+  Horne Tooke and Wilkes, 284
+
+  Horse Laugh, A, 7
+
+  Horses to Grass, 285
+
+  How to Escape Taxation, 238
+
+  How to get rid of an Enemy, 261
+
+  How to make a Man of Consequence, 168
+
+  Howe, Lord, 278
+
+  Human Happiness, 64
+
+  Humane Society at an Evening Party, The, 191
+
+  Humor under Difficulties, 52
+
+  Humorist Piqued, A, 339
+
+  Husbanding his Resources, 321
+
+  Husband's Marriage, On Mr., 120
+
+
+  "I CAN GET THROUGH", 263
+
+  Idolatry, 79
+
+  Illegal Indorsement, An, 325
+
+  Imitation of a Cow, 121
+
+  Important to Bachelors, 280
+
+  Impossible in the Evening, 254
+
+  Impossible Renunciation, An, 191
+
+  Impromptu by Counsellor Bushe, 181
+
+  Impromptu by R.B. Sheridan, 180
+
+  Impromptu on an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, 230
+
+  Impromptu--"St. Stephen's Walls", 101
+
+  Impromptu--"The Fall of Sparta", 143
+
+  Impudent Wit, An, 346
+
+  Inadvertence and Epicurism, 286
+
+  Incapacity, 241
+
+  Inconvenient Breakdown, An, 303
+
+  Incredible, 5
+
+  Independence, 101
+
+  Indifference to Death, 367
+
+  Indifference to Life, 274
+
+  In-door Relief, 185
+
+  Industry and Perseverance, 212
+
+  Industry of the English People, 307
+
+  Inevitable Misfortune, An, 352
+
+  Information easily Acquired, 326
+
+  Ingenious Device, An, 196
+
+  Ingenious Reply of a Soldier, 37
+
+  Ingenuousness, 104
+
+  Ingratitude, 58, 283
+
+  Inhospitable Irishman, An, 364
+
+  In Memoriam, 320
+
+  Inquest Extraordinary, 97, 312
+
+  Inquest--not Extraordinary, 132
+
+  Inquests Extraordinary, 102
+
+  Inscription on Inscriptions, An, 2
+
+  Insurance Assurance, 360
+
+  In Suspense, 27
+
+  Interested Inquiry, 357
+
+  In the Background, 230
+
+  In the Dark, 218
+
+  Introductory Ceremony, An, 67
+
+  Intruder Rebuked, The, 30
+
+  In Want of a Husband, 231
+
+  Ireland's Forgery, 134
+
+  Irish and Scotch Loyalty, 290
+
+  Irish Imprudence, 291
+
+  Irishman's Notion of Discount, An, 282
+
+  Irishman's Plea, An, 212
+
+  Iron Duke, The, 118
+
+  "I Takes 'em as they Come", 341
+
+  "I've Done the same Thing often", 103
+
+
+  JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD, 235
+
+  Jemmy Gordon, 256
+
+  Jest of Ancestry, The, 176
+
+  Jew's Eye to Business, A, 286
+
+  Johnson and Mrs. Siddons, 128
+
+  Johnson, Dr., 190
+
+  Johnson, Dr., without Variation, 71
+
+  Johnson's, Dr., Opinion of Mrs. Siddons, 197
+
+  Joint Concern, A, 46
+
+  Joke from the North, A, 366
+
+  Jolly Companions, 256
+
+  Jonson, Ben, 99
+
+  Judge in a Fog, A, 199
+
+  Judgment, 262
+
+  "Junius" discovered, 11
+
+  Jury Case, A, 350
+
+  Just as Wonderful, 312
+
+  Just Debtor, A, 56
+
+  Justice Midas, 332
+
+  Justice not always Blind, 144
+
+
+  KEAN'S IMPROMPTU, 100
+
+  Keen Reply, 83
+
+  Keeping a Conscience, 126
+
+  Keeping a Promise, 117
+
+  Keeping It to Himself, 333
+
+  Keeping Time, 236
+
+  Kew, The Way to, 297
+
+  Killed by His Own Remedy, 338
+
+  Kind Hint, A, 336
+
+  Kitchener and Colman, 145
+
+  Knotty Point, A, 47
+
+  Knowing Best, 183
+
+  Knowing His Man, 91, 313
+
+  Knowing His Place, 69
+
+
+  LADY ANNE, 120
+
+  Lamb and Erskine, 123
+
+  Lamb and Sharp Sauce, 212
+
+  Lame Beggar, The, 308
+
+  Landlord and Tenants, 48
+
+  Large, but Not Large Enough, 219
+
+  Last Resource, A, 274
+
+  "Last War," The, 165
+
+  Late and Early, 203
+
+  Late Dinner, 112
+
+  Late Discoverer, A, 330
+
+  Late Edition, A, 15
+
+  Latimer, 295
+
+  Latin for Cold, The, 123
+
+  Latin Gerunds, On the, 135
+
+  Law and Physic, 181, 333
+
+  Law and the Scottish Thane, 342
+
+  Lawyer's House, 149
+
+  Lawyer's Opinion of Law, A, 99
+
+  Leaving His Verdict, 100
+
+  Leg Wit, 182
+
+  Legal Adulteration, 147
+
+  Legal Extravagance, 249
+
+  L'Envoy, 368
+
+  Letter C, The, 248
+
+  Letter H, The, 136, 199
+
+  Letter Wanting, A, 138
+
+  Liberal Gift, 135
+
+  Licensed to Kill, 160
+
+  Lie for Lie, 198
+
+  Light Bread, 80
+
+  Light-headed, 20
+
+  Light Joke, A, 250
+
+  Light Study, A, 19
+
+  Light Subject, The, 4
+
+  Lincoln's-Inn Dinners, 207
+
+  Lines to O'Keefe, 330
+
+  Lingual Infection, 214
+
+  Liquid Remedy for Baldness, 196
+
+  Liston's Dream, 148
+
+  Literal Joke, A, 125
+
+  Literary Pastime, 354
+
+  Literary Rendering, A, 284
+
+  Little to Give, 171
+
+  Long Ago, 348
+
+  Long Bill, A, 145
+
+  Long Illness, A, 279
+
+  Long Residence, A, 239
+
+  Long Story, 161
+
+  Look-A-head, 178
+
+  Look in his Face, 12
+
+  Losing an I, 113
+
+  Lost and Found, 276
+
+  Love, 220
+
+  Love and Hymen, 148
+
+  Love of the Sea, 157
+
+  Love Songs, by Dean Swift, 32
+
+  Lusus Naturae, A, 189
+
+  Luxurious Smoking, 173
+
+  Lying, 208
+
+  Lying Consistently, 20
+
+
+  MAC READY TO CALL, 178
+
+  Mad Quakers, 138
+
+  Maids and Wives, 43
+
+  Majesty of Mud, The, 61
+
+  Making a Clearance, 143
+
+  Making Free, 263
+
+  Making Free with the Waist, 321
+
+  Making It Up, 52
+
+  Making Progress, 232
+
+  Malone, Sir Anthony, 184
+
+  Man and a Brother, A, 337
+
+  Man of Letters, A, 26
+
+  Man of Metal, A, 306
+
+  Man-traps, 179
+
+  Man Without a Rival, 198
+
+  Mark of Respect, A, 100
+
+  Marriage, 82, 211
+
+  Matrimony, 349
+
+  Matter in His Madness, 8
+
+  Maule-practice, 249
+
+  Measure for Measure, 64, 146
+
+  Measure of a Brain, The, 93
+
+  Measuring his Distance, 46
+
+  Mechanical Surgeon, A, 169
+
+  Medical Opinion, A, 158
+
+  Medicine must be of Use, The, 62
+
+  Melo-dramatic Hit, 279
+
+  Men of Letters, 205
+
+  Men of Weight, 322
+
+  Merry Thought, A, 346
+
+  Michaelmas Meeting, A, 331
+
+  Milesian Advice, 77
+
+  Military Axiom, A, 276
+
+  Military Eloquence, 310
+
+  Milton on Woman, 53
+
+  Mind your Points, 242
+
+  Minding his Business, 107
+
+  Minding his Cue, 203
+
+  Miser's Charity, 53
+
+  Mistake, A, 191
+
+  Mistaken Identity, 13
+
+  Model Philanthropist, A, 251
+
+  Modern Acting, 185
+
+  Modern Sculptor, A, 188
+
+  Modest, 46
+
+  Modest Merit, 75
+
+  Modest Request, 25
+
+  Money-Borrower Deceived, The, 306
+
+  Money-Lender, A, 217
+
+  Money Returned, 21
+
+  Money's Worth, 188
+
+  Money's Worth, 233, 262
+
+  Monster, A, 215
+
+  Moral Equality of Man, 93
+
+  More Honored in the Breach, 238
+
+  Mot of Defoe, 54
+
+  Motherly Remark, 233
+
+  Much Alike, 250
+
+  Multiplying One, 366
+
+  Musical Blow-up, A, 174
+
+  Musical Taste, 214
+
+  Mystery Cleared Up, A, 237
+
+
+  NAMELESS MAN, A, 260
+
+  Napoleon's Statue at Boulogne, 128
+
+  Nat Lee and Sir Roger L'Estrange, 43
+
+  National Prejudice, 247
+
+  Native Wit, 35
+
+  Natural, 300
+
+  Natural Antipathy, 228
+
+  Natural Grief, 186
+
+  Natural Transmutation, 60
+
+  Nature and Art, 273
+
+  Naval Oratory, 117
+
+  Neat Quotation, A, 65
+
+  Neat Suggestion, A, 315
+
+  Neck or Nothing, 24
+
+  Neighborly Politeness, 296
+
+  New Disguise, A, 141
+
+  New Idea, A, 296
+
+  New Reading, A, 201, 271
+
+  New Relationship, 3, 317
+
+  New Scholar, A, 98
+
+  New Sign, A, 154
+
+  New Sport, A, 104
+
+  New view, A, 255
+
+  New Way to Pay Old Debts, 29
+
+  New Way with Attorneys, A, 352
+
+  Nice Distinction, A, 95, 112
+
+  Nice Language, 120
+
+  Nicknames, 265
+
+  Night and Morning, 170
+
+  Nil Nisi, &c., 166
+
+  No Harm Done, 2
+
+  No Intrusion, 323
+
+  No Joke, 253
+
+  No Judge, 173
+
+  No Matter what Color, 242
+
+  No Music in his Soul, 329
+
+  No Pride, 171
+
+  No Redeeming Virtue, 309
+
+  No Sacrifice, 261
+
+  Noise for Nothing, A, 167
+
+  Nominal Rhymes, 83
+
+  Non Compos 260
+
+  Non Sequitur, 57
+
+  "None so Blind," &c., 58
+
+  North, Lord, Asleep, 161
+
+  North's, Lord, Drollery, 241
+
+  Nosce te Ipsum, 243
+
+  Not at all Anxious, 324
+
+  Not at Home, 207
+
+  Not Finding Himself, 347
+
+  Not giving Himself "Airs", 305
+
+  Not Importunate, 236
+
+  Not Improbable, 308
+
+  Not Insured Against Fire, 186
+
+  Not Necessary, 228
+
+  Not Polite, 119
+
+  Not Quite Correct, 252
+
+  Not Right, 20
+
+  Not Room for a Neighbor, 339
+
+  Not Sick Enough for That, 273
+
+  Not so Bad for a King, 58
+
+  Not so "Daft" as Reputed, 321
+
+  Not so Easy, 106
+
+  Not to be Believed, 342
+
+  Not to be Bought, 68
+
+  Not to be Done Brown, 276
+
+  Not to be Tempted, 218
+
+  Not to be Trifled with, 87
+
+  Not True, 154
+
+  Not _v._ Nott, 35
+
+  Nothing but Hebrew, 266
+
+  Nothing but the "Bill", 12
+
+  Nothing Personal, 190
+
+  Nothing Surprising, 339
+
+  Nothing to Boast of, 313
+
+  Nothing to Laugh at, 199
+
+  Notice to Quit, 125
+
+  Notions of Happiness, 181
+
+  Novel Complaint, A, 8
+
+  Novel Idea, A, 112
+
+  Novel Offence, 45
+
+  Novelty, A, 66
+
+
+  OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS, A, 328
+
+  Ocular, 307
+
+  Odd Bird, An, 102
+
+  Odd Comparison, An, 40
+
+  Odd Family, An, 99
+
+  Odd Fellow, An, 68
+
+  Odd Foresight, 166
+
+  Odd Housekeeping, 225
+
+  Odd Humor, 324
+
+  Odd Notion, An, 277
+
+  Odd Occurrence, An, 242
+
+  Odd Question, An, 186
+
+  Odd Reason, 213
+
+  "Off with his Head", 337
+
+  Offensive Preference, 325
+
+  Old Adage Refuted, An, 314
+
+  Old Age, 162
+
+  Old Friends, 311
+
+  Old Joke, An, 112
+
+  Old Stories over Again, 52
+
+  Old Times, 128
+
+  Ominous, Very!, 213
+
+  On the Right Side, 40
+
+  On the Spot, 327
+
+  One Bite at a Cherry, 150
+
+  One Fault, 312
+
+  "One for his Nob", 9
+
+  One Good Turn Deserves Another, 7
+
+  One Head Better than a Dozen, 126
+
+  One-Sided Joke, A, 353
+
+  One-Spur Horseman, The, 255
+
+  One Thing at a Time, 210
+
+  One Thing Wanting, The, 7
+
+  Only a Ninepin, 317
+
+  Only Enough for One, 200
+
+  Only for Life, 304
+
+  Open Confession, 289
+
+  Openly, 326
+
+  Opposite Tempers, 281
+
+  Orators, The, 185
+
+  Oratory, 252
+
+  Order for Two, An, 82
+
+  Order! Order!, 123
+
+  Origin of the term Grog, 268
+
+  Original Attraction, An, 79
+
+  Orthography, 277
+
+  Our English Love of Dinners, 176
+
+  "Our Landlady", 246
+
+  "Out, Brief Candle", 33
+
+  Out of Spirits, 302
+
+  Outline, An, 304
+
+  Outline of an Ambassador, 272
+
+  Outward Appearance, 28
+
+  Over-wise, 101
+
+  Oxford and Cambridge Actors, 132
+
+
+  PADDY'S LOGIC, 54
+
+  Painful Examination, A, 325
+
+  Painted Charms, 327
+
+  Painting, 162, 166
+
+  Painting and Medicine, 221
+
+  Par Nobile Fratrum, 148
+
+  Pardonable Mistake, A, 6
+
+  Parliamentary Case, 272
+
+  Parliamentary Reprimand, 184
+
+  Participation in a Practical Joke, 282
+
+  Partnership Dissolved, 88
+
+  Passing the Bottle, 11
+
+  Pat Reply, A, 161
+
+  Patience, 305
+
+  Patrick Henry, 175
+
+  Paying in Kind, 130, 257
+
+  Pence Table, 108
+
+  Perfect Bore, A, 246
+
+  Perfect Discontent, 131
+
+  Personalities of Garrick and Quin, 231
+
+  Pert, 164
+
+  Pertinent Enquiry, 208
+
+  Pertinent Question, A, 310, 347
+
+  Phenomenon Accounted for, A, 63
+
+  Philanthropist, The, 165
+
+  Philip, Earl, of Stanhope, 359
+
+  Philosophical Reason, A, 255
+
+  Phonetic Joke, A, 144
+
+  Picking Pockets, 321
+
+  Pickpocketing, 97
+
+  Piece de Resistance, 123
+
+  Piece of Plate, A, 113
+
+  Pig-headed, 56
+
+  Pigs and the Silver Spoon, The, 292
+
+  Pill Gratis, A, 133
+
+  Pink of Politeness, The, 36
+
+  Pious Minister, A, 131
+
+  Place Wanted, A, 67
+
+  Placebo, A, 67
+
+  Plain Enough, 267
+
+  Plain Language, 149
+
+  Plain Speaking, 249
+
+  Play upon Words, A, 256
+
+  Player, or Lord, 320
+
+  Playing on a Word, 33
+
+  Pleasant, 252
+
+  Pleasant Deserts, 72
+
+  Pleasant for a Father, 354
+
+  Pleasant Invitation, 8
+
+  Pleasant Message, A, 363
+
+  Pleasant Partner, A, 275
+
+  Plumper, A, 325
+
+  Plural Number, The, 249
+
+  Poet Foiled, The, 190
+
+  Poetical shape, A, 64
+
+  Poets to certain Critics, The, 225
+
+  Point, A, 106
+
+  Point Needing to be Settled, A, 349
+
+  Polite Rebuke, A, 208
+
+  Polite Scholar, The, 85
+
+  Political Corruption, 80
+
+  Political Logic, 348
+
+  Political Sinecure, 240
+
+  Poor Curate, The, 296
+
+  Poor Laugh, A, 349
+
+  Poor Law, 343
+
+  Poor Substitute, A, 301
+
+  Pope's Last Illness, 281
+
+  Popping the Question, 25
+
+  Porson _v._ Dr. Jowett, 214
+
+  Porson's Visit to the Continent, 27
+
+  Portmanteau _v._ Trunk, 127
+
+  Portrait Capitally Executed, A, 8
+
+  Poser, A, 44, 203, 226, 267, 287
+
+  Poser by Lord Ellenborough, A, 170
+
+  Possible Censors, 365
+
+  Post-Mortem, 69
+
+  Pot Valiant, 225
+
+  Powder without Ball, 281
+
+  Practical Retort, 248
+
+  Precautionary, 330
+
+  Preferable Way, A, 334
+
+  Preferment, 361
+
+  Prefix, A, 283
+
+  Pressing Reason, A, 232
+
+  Pretty, 308
+
+  Pretty Metaphor, A, 26
+
+  Pretty Picture, A, 38
+
+  Pretty Reply, A, 358
+
+  Previous Engagement, A, 366
+
+  Priest's Orders, 336
+
+  Prime's Preservative, 320
+
+  Primogeniture, 22
+
+  Prince of Orange and Judge Jefferies, The, 25
+
+  Principle of Governments, The, 314
+
+  Priority, 236
+
+  Probability, A, 147
+
+  Problem for Total Abstainers, A, 352
+
+  Profession and Practice, 331
+
+  Professional, 47
+
+  Professional Aim, A, 318
+
+  Professional Candor, 329
+
+  Professional Companions, 330
+
+  Professional Recognition, 351
+
+  Profitable Juggling, 97
+
+  Promise to Pay, A, 139
+
+  Proof Impression, 23
+
+  Proof Positive, 320
+
+  Proper Answer, A, 206
+
+  Proper Distinction, 174
+
+  Proper Name, A, 299
+
+  Proper Retort, A, 116
+
+  Prophecy, A, 74
+
+  Prosiness, 363
+
+  Proud Heart, A, 191
+
+  Proverb Reversed, A, 186
+
+  Provident Boy, A, 62
+
+  Proving their Metal, 16
+
+  Pulling up a Poet, 338
+
+  Punctuation, 139
+
+  Pungent Pinch, A, 336
+
+  "Puppies never See till they are Nine Days Old", 192
+
+  Pure Folks, 144
+
+  Purser, The, 28
+
+  Putting a Stop to Pilgrim's Progress, 90
+
+
+  Q.E.D., 79
+
+  Quaint Epitaph, 364
+
+  Qualifying for Bail, 33
+
+  Quantum Suff, 212
+
+  Quakerly Objection, A, 80
+
+  Queer Expression, A, 282
+
+  Queer Partners, 172
+
+  Query Answered, A, 62
+
+  Query for Mr. Babbage, A, 209
+
+  Question and Answer, 60
+
+  Question Answered, 312
+
+  Question for the Peerage, A, 167
+
+  Question of Descent, A, 354
+
+  Question of Time, 133
+
+  Quick Lie, A, 346
+
+  Quid Pro Quo, 86, 216, 267, 269
+
+  Quiet Dose, A, 226
+
+  Quiet Theft, 151
+
+  Quin and Charles I., 316
+
+  Quin and the Parson, 227
+
+  Quin's Saying, 50
+
+  Quin's Soliloquy on Seeing the embalmed body of Duke Humphrey, at
+      St. Alban's, 38
+
+  Quite Aground, 199
+
+  Quite at Ease, 271
+
+  Quite Natural, 53
+
+  Quite Perfection, 24
+
+  Quite Poetical, 219
+
+  Quite Professional, 290
+
+  Quite True, 85
+
+
+  RAILROAD ENGINEER, THE, 155
+
+  Rake's Economy, A, 164
+
+  Rare Virtue, 43
+
+  Rather A-curate, 262
+
+  Rather Ethereal, 278
+
+  Rather Ferocious, 303
+
+  Rather Hard, 133
+
+  Rather Saucy, 161
+
+  Rather the Worst Half, 257
+
+  Ready-made Wood Pavement, 174
+
+  Ready Reckoner, A, 70, 163, 259
+
+  Ready Reply, A, 73
+
+  Reason, A, 311
+
+  Reason for being too Late, A, 356
+
+  Reason for Belief, A, 326
+
+  Reason for Going to Church, 70
+
+  Reason for not Moving, A, 338
+
+  Reason for Polygamy, A, 342
+
+  Reason for Running Away, 248
+
+  Reason for Thick Ankles, 293
+
+  Reason Why, The, 94, 231
+
+  Reasonable Demand, A, 149
+
+  Reasonable Excuse, A, 193
+
+  Reasonable Preference, A, 323
+
+  Reasonable Refusal, A, 241
+
+  Reasonable Request, 102
+
+  Reasons for Drinking, 242
+
+  Rebel Lords, The, 196
+
+  Rebuke, A, 251
+
+  Reciprocal Action, 355
+
+  Recruiting Sergeant and Countryman, 86
+
+  Reflection, A, 96
+
+  Reformation, 176
+
+  Relations of Mankind, 173
+
+  Remarkable Echo, A, 309
+
+  Reproof, 115
+
+  Republic of Learning, The, 107
+
+  Republic of Letters, The, 324
+
+  Reputation, 181
+
+  Resignation, 144
+
+  Resting Herself, 334
+
+  Retort Cutting, The, 31
+
+  Reverse, A, 214
+
+  Reverse Joke, A, 221
+
+  Reverse of Circumstances, 10
+
+  Richmond Hoax, The, 262
+
+  Right Organ, The, 242
+
+  Rigid Impartiality, 359
+
+  Ringing the Changes, 91
+
+  Rising Son, The, 1
+
+  Riskful Adventure, A, 331
+
+  Rivals, The, 110
+
+  Rogers--Poet and Skipper, 176
+
+  Rowing in the Same Boat, 128
+
+  Rowland for an Oliver, A, 163
+
+  Royal Favor, 63
+
+  Royal Jest, A, 366
+
+  Royal Muff, A, 164
+
+  Royal Pun, 145
+
+  Rub at a Rascal, A, 61
+
+  Rule of Practice, A, 354
+
+  Ruling Passion after Death, The, 51
+
+  Ruling Passion Strong in Death, The, 200, 350
+
+  Ruling Passion, The, 129, 218, 367
+
+  Rum and Water, 141
+
+  Runaway Knock, A, 195
+
+  Running Accounts, 291
+
+  Running no Risk, 339
+
+
+  SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE, THE, 18
+
+  Safe Appeal, A, 108
+
+  Safe Side, The, 292
+
+  Sage Advice, 28
+
+  Sage Simile, A, 61
+
+  Sailor's Wedding, 215
+
+  St. Peter a Bachelor, 286
+
+  Salad, 221
+
+  Salic Law, The, 361
+
+  Salisbury Cathedral Spire, 147
+
+  Sanitary Air, A, 218
+
+  Satisfaction, 108
+
+  Satisfactory Explanation, A, 340
+
+  Satisfactory Reason, A, 115
+
+  Satisfactory Total, 105
+
+  Saucy Answer, A, 363
+
+  Save us from our Friends, 157
+
+  Saving Time, 247
+
+  Scandalous, 25
+
+  Scold's Vocabulary, The, 40
+
+  Scotch Caution, 119
+
+  Scotch Medium, 130
+
+  Scotch Penetration, 133
+
+  Scotch Simplicity, 42
+
+  Scotch Understanding, 66
+
+  Scotch "Wut", 168, 316
+
+  Scotchman and Highwaymen, 291
+
+  Scott, Sir Walter, and Constable, 288
+
+  Scott's, Sir Walter, Parritch-pan, 283
+
+  Sealing an Oath, 65
+
+  Seasonable Joke, A, 89, 273
+
+  Season-ings, The, 207
+
+  Secret Discovered, A, 357
+
+  Seeing a Coronation, 127
+
+  Seeing not Believing, 270
+
+  Self-Applause, 314
+
+  Self-Conceit, 235
+
+  Self-Condemnation, 265, 325
+
+  Self-Interest, 367
+
+  Self-Knowledge, 76
+
+  Selwyn, George, 47
+
+  Sensibility, 304
+
+  Sent Home Free, 192
+
+  Sentence of Death, 34
+
+  Sermons in Stones, 341
+
+  Servants, 267
+
+  Setting him Up to Knock him Down, 178
+
+  Setting Up and Sitting Down, 256
+
+  Settled Point, A, 256
+
+  Settler, A, 149
+
+  Severe, 261
+
+  Severe Rebuke, 285
+
+  Shakespeare Illustrated, 129
+
+  Shakespearian Grog, 350
+
+  Shaking Hands, 53
+
+  Sharp Boy, 261
+
+  Sharp Brush, A, 320
+
+  Sharp, if not Pleasant, 245
+
+  Sheepish Compliment, A, 44
+
+  Sheridan and Burke, 336
+
+  Sheridan Convivial, 268
+
+  Short and Sharp, 134
+
+  Short Commons, 160
+
+  Short Creed, A, 218
+
+  Short Journey, 170, 278
+
+  Short Measure, 168
+
+  Short-Sighted, 254
+
+  Short Stories, 79
+
+  Should not Silence Give Consent, 236
+
+  Shuffling Answer, A, 327
+
+  Sign of being Cracked, 68
+
+  Significant Difference, A, 332
+
+  Silent Appreciation, 332
+
+  Silk Gown, A, 93
+
+  Simile, A, 344
+
+  Simple Division, 19
+
+  Simplicity of the Learned Porson, 82
+
+  Sims, Dr., 211
+
+  Sinecure, A, 182
+
+  "Sinking" the Well, 297
+
+  Slack Payment, 175
+
+  Sleeping at Church, 268
+
+  Sleeping Round, 106
+
+  Slight Difference, A, 111, 238
+
+  Slight Eruption, A, 114
+
+  Small Glass, A, 92
+
+  Small Inheritance, A, 3
+
+  Small Joke, A, 343
+
+  Small Talk, 303
+
+  Small Wit, 232
+
+  Smart One-pounder, A, 143
+
+  Smart Reply, 220
+
+  Smoking an M.P., 114
+
+  Smoothing It Down, 321
+
+  Snoring, 159
+
+  Snuff-box, The, 273
+
+  Snug Lying, 205
+
+  Soft, Very!, 76
+
+  Soldiers' Wives, 253
+
+  Solomon's Temple, 202
+
+  Something for Dr. Darwin, 1
+
+  Something Lacking, 204
+
+  Something Like an Insult, 80
+
+  Something Sharp, 344
+
+  Something to be Grateful for, 350
+
+  Something to be Proud of, 293
+
+  Something to Pocket, 301
+
+  Soporific, A, 195, 310
+
+  Sought and Found, 309
+
+  Sound and Fury, 9
+
+  Sound Conclusion, A, 57
+
+  Sound Sleeper, 17
+
+  Spare Man, A, 145
+
+  Spare the Rod, 239
+
+  Speaking Canvas, The, 307
+
+  Speaking of Sausages, 245
+
+  Special Pleading, 37
+
+  Species and Specie, 189
+
+  Specific Gravity of Folly, The, 155
+
+  Specimen of the Laconic, 306
+
+  Specimen of University Etiquette, 158
+
+  Spirit and the Letter, The, 112
+
+  Spirit of a Gambler, 270
+
+  Spiritual and Spirituous, 5
+
+  Spranger Barry, 146
+
+  Sprig of Shillalah, A, 27
+
+  Staffordshire Collieries, The, 202
+
+  Steam-boat Racing, 150
+
+  Sterne, 131
+
+  Stone Blind, 71
+
+  Stop Watch, A, 184
+
+  Stopper, A, 70
+
+  Stout Swimmer, A, 334
+
+  Strange Jetsum, 133
+
+  Strange Objection, A, 143
+
+  Strange Vespers, 201
+
+  Stray Shot, A, 77
+
+  Striking Notice, A, 9
+
+  Striking Point, A, 102
+
+  Striking Reproof, 38
+
+  Subtraction and Addition, 14
+
+  Sudden Change, A, 90
+
+  Sudden Freedom, 345
+
+  Suggestion, 49
+
+  Suggestive Pair of Grays, A, 197
+
+  Suggestive Present, A, 140
+
+  Suggestive Question, A, 148
+
+  Suggestive Repudiation, 323
+
+  Suited to his Subject, 35
+
+  Summary Decision, 194
+
+  Sun in his Eye, The, 346
+
+  Superfluous Scraper, A, 356
+
+  Superiority of Machinery, The, 306
+
+  Sure Take, A, 277
+
+  Swearing the Peace, 217
+
+  Sweeps, 234
+
+  Swift, Dean, and King William, 117
+
+  Sword and the Scabbard, The, 108
+
+  Sydney Smith, 104
+
+  Sydney Smith Soporific, 223
+
+  Syllabic Difference, A, 297
+
+  Symbol, A, 7
+
+
+  TAKE WARNING!, 315
+
+  Taking a Hint, 217
+
+  Taking his Measure, 121
+
+  Tall and Short, 40
+
+  Taste of Marriage, A, 165
+
+  Tavern Dinner, A, 264
+
+  Tell it not in England, 329
+
+  Telling One's Age, 225
+
+  Temperance Cruets, 284
+
+  Tender Suggestion, A, 345
+
+  Terrible Possibility, A, 343
+
+  "The Mixture as Before", 22
+
+  Theatrical Mistakes, 98
+
+  Theatrical Purgations, 314
+
+  Theatrical Wit, 124
+
+  Thelwall, Mr., 209
+
+  "Thereby Hangs," &c., 167
+
+  Things by their Right Names, 210
+
+  Three Causes, 7
+
+  Three Degrees of Comparison, 205
+
+  Three Ends to a Rope, 231
+
+  Three Touchstones, 15
+
+  "Throw Physic to the Dogs!", 233
+
+  Thurlow and Pitt, 121
+
+  Ticklish Opening, A, 324
+
+  Tierney's, Mr., Humor, 277
+
+  Tillotson, 280
+
+  Time Out of Joint, The, 187
+
+  Time Works Wonders, 112
+
+  Timely Aid, 243
+
+  Timely Flattery, 316
+
+  Timely Reproof, A, 115
+
+  Timidity of Beauty, The, 143
+
+  To the Coming Man, 313
+
+  Too Civil, 55
+
+  Too Civil by Half, 246
+
+  Too Clever, 250
+
+  Too Fast, 220
+
+  Too Good, 233
+
+  Too Grateful, 224
+
+  Too Liberal, 260
+
+  Too Many Cooks, 11
+
+  Too Much and Too Little, 244
+
+  Too Much at Once, 364
+
+  Too Much of a Bad Thing, 165
+
+  Too Cold to Change, 65
+
+  Top and Bottom, 140
+
+  Tory Liberality, 56
+
+  Touching, 109
+
+  Trade against Land, 156
+
+  Tragedy MS., 43
+
+  Transformation Scene, A, 201
+
+  Transporting Subject, A, 221
+
+  Transposing a Compliment, 41
+
+  Travellers See Strange Things, 317
+
+  Trophies, 210
+
+  True and False, 251
+
+  True Courtier, A, 43
+
+  True Criticism, 267
+
+  True Dignity, 261
+
+  True Evidence, 156
+
+  True Joke, A, 60
+
+  True of Both, 287
+
+  True Philosophy, 288
+
+  True Politeness, 164
+
+  True to the Letter, 287
+
+  True Wit, 123
+
+  Trump Card, A, 13
+
+  Truth and Fiction, 240
+
+  Truth and Rhyme, 137
+
+  Truth at Last, 133
+
+  Truth by Accident, The, 216
+
+  Truth for the Ladies, A, 100
+
+  Truth not Always to be Spoken, 88
+
+  Truth not to be Spoken at All Times, 78
+
+  Truth _v._ Politeness, 255
+
+  Trying to the Temper, 258
+
+  Twice Ruined, 79
+
+  Two Carriages, 275
+
+  Two Cures for Ague, 353
+
+  Two Make a Pair, 159
+
+  Two of a Trade, 77
+
+  Two Sides to a Speech, 90
+
+  Two Smiths, The, 28
+
+  Twofold Illustration, 42
+
+  Typographical Transfer, A, 332
+
+  Typographical Wit, 260
+
+
+  UGLY DOG, AN, 48
+
+  Ugly Trades, 304
+
+  Unanswerable Argument, An, 299
+
+  Uncivil Warning, 351
+
+  Unconscious Insult, An, 317
+
+  Unconscious Postscript, An, 206
+
+  Unequal Arrangement, An, 355
+
+  Unexpected Cannonade, An, 340
+
+  Unfortunate Lover, An, 181
+
+  Union is Strength, 51
+
+  Union of Opposites, 319
+
+  Unkind, 117
+
+  Unknown Tongue, 38
+
+  Unlikely Result, An, 348
+
+  Unpoetical Reply, 120
+
+  Unreasonable, 94
+
+  Unre-hearsed Effect, An, 65
+
+  Unremitting Kindness, 100
+
+  Untaxed Luxury, An, 319
+
+  Unwelcome Agreement, 158
+
+  Up and Down, 301
+
+  Up in the World, 9
+
+  Upright Man, An, 87
+
+  Use is Second Nature, 196
+
+  Useful Ally, A, 90
+
+  Utilitarian Inquiry, A, 328
+
+
+  VAILS TO SERVANTS, 85
+
+  Vain Search, A, 96
+
+  Vain Threat, A, 343
+
+  Valuable Beaver, A, 301
+
+  Valuable Discovery, 90
+
+  Value of Applause, 171
+
+  Value of Nothing, 241
+
+  Vast Domain, 21
+
+  Vera Cannie, 243
+
+  Verse and Worse, 118
+
+  Verses Written on a Window in the Highlands of Scotland, 15
+
+  Very Appropriate, 287
+
+  Very Clear, 46
+
+  Very Easy, 303
+
+  Very Evident, 213
+
+  Very Like Each Other, 270
+
+  Very Likely, 249, 312
+
+  Very Pointed, 22
+
+  Very Pretty, 102
+
+  Very Serious, 130
+
+  Very Shocking, if True, 254
+
+  Very True, 173, 286
+
+  Vice Versa, 190
+
+  Visible Darkness, 10
+
+  Visible Proof, 82
+
+  Visibly Losing, 293
+
+  Voluminous Speaker, A, 148
+
+  Vox et Praeterea Nihil, 147
+
+  Vulgar Arguments, 122
+
+  Vulgarity, 362
+
+
+  WALKING STICK, A, 326
+
+  Walpoliana, 107, 111, 119
+
+  Warm Friendships, 98
+
+  Warm Man, A, 348
+
+  Warning to Ladies, 54
+
+  Waste of Time, 42
+
+  Waste Powder, 18
+
+  Way of the World, 75
+
+  Way of Using Books, 175
+
+  Weak Woman, A, 11
+
+  Wearing Away, 347
+
+  Well-bred Horse, 9
+
+  Well Matched, 6
+
+  Well Said, 268
+
+  Well Turned, 346
+
+  Wellington, Duke of, and the Aurist, 87
+
+  Wellington Surprised, 250
+
+  Welsh Wig-ging, A, 26
+
+  Wet and Dry, 141
+
+  What Everybody Does, 294
+
+  What is an Archdeacon?, 295
+
+  What's a Hat without a Head?, 285
+
+  What's Going On?, 159
+
+  What's in a Name?, 279
+
+  What's in a Syllable?, 151
+
+  What's my Thought Like?, 305
+
+  Wheel of Fortune, The, 195
+
+  Where it came from, 316
+
+  Where is the Audience?, 183
+
+  Whig and Tory, 67
+
+  Whist, 244
+
+  Whist-Playing, 229
+
+  Whitbread's Entire, 359
+
+  White Hands, 287
+
+  White Teeth, 275
+
+  Who's the Fool?, 132
+
+  Who's to Blame?, 136
+
+  Whose?, 192
+
+  Why are Women Beardless?, 208
+
+  Why Master of the House?, 330
+
+  Wide-awake Minister, A, 347
+
+  Wide Difference, A, 345
+
+  "Wide, Wide Sea," The, 315
+
+  Wife at Forty, A, 45
+
+  Wignell, the Actor, 72
+
+  Wilberforce, Miss, 298
+
+  Wilkes and Liberty, 161
+
+  Wilkes and a Liberty, 143
+
+  Wilkes's Ready Reply, 224
+
+  Wilkes's Tergiversation, 114
+
+  Wilkie's Simplicity, 91
+
+  Will and Away, A, 259
+
+  Will and the Way, 193
+
+  Will, The, 104
+
+  Windy Minister, A, 259
+
+  Winner at Cards, A, 303
+
+  Winning a Loss, 160
+
+  Wise Decision, A, 348
+
+  Wise Fool, A, 198
+
+  Wise Precaution, 13
+
+  Wise Son who knew his own Father, A, 6
+
+  Wit and Quackery, 95
+
+  Wit Defined, 95
+
+  Wits Agreeing, 354
+
+  Witty at his own Expense, 365
+
+  Witty Coward, 236
+
+  Witty Proposition, A, 348
+
+  Witty Thanksgiving, 338
+
+  Wolfe, General, 167
+
+  Woman's Promises, A, 62
+
+  Women, 229
+
+  Wonderful Cure, A, 179
+
+  Wonderful Sight, A, 258
+
+  Wonderful Unanimity, 331
+
+  Wonderful Woman, A, 5
+
+  Wooden Joke, A, 314
+
+  Woodman, A, 63
+
+  Woolsack, The, 232
+
+  Word in Season, A, 340
+
+  Word to the Wise, A, 135
+
+  Words that Burn, 11
+
+  Worst of all Crimes, The, 63
+
+  Worst of Two Evils, The, 269
+
+  Worth the Money, 35
+
+  Worthy of Credit, 129
+
+  "Write me Down an Ass", 135
+
+  Writing for the Stage, 234
+
+  Writing Treason, 230
+
+  Written Character, A, 6
+
+  Wrong Leg, The, 48
+
+
+  YANKEE YARN, A, 157
+
+  Yorke, Mr. Charles, 361
+
+  Yorkshire Bull, A, 353
+
+  "You'll Get There Before I Can Tell You", 239
+
+  Young, Dr., 156
+
+  Young Idea, The, 247
+
+
+  ZODIAC CLUB, THE, 37
+
+
+  Transcriber's notes
+
+    Corrections to the Text.
+      Page 49, diagreeable corrected to disagreeable.
+      Page 72, betyraing corrected to betraying.
+      Page 171, LITLLE corrected to LITTLE.
+      Page 178, ill-conwenience corrected to ill-convenience.
+      Page 197, your're corrected to you're.
+      Page 275, distingushed corrected to distinguished.
+      Page 297, aud corrected to and.
+      Page 309, secretely corrected to secretly.
+      Page 341, Eor corrected to For.
+      Page 364, duplicated a removed.
+      Punctuation printing errors were corrected throughout the text.
+
+
+    Corrections to the Index.
+      Acres and Wiseacres, 335 corrected to 355.
+      Affectation, 90 corrected to 98.
+      Best Wine, The, 193 corrected to 300.
+      Brief Correspondence, 178 corrected to 179.
+      Cause and Effect, 318 corrected to 344.
+      Hinc Illae Lachrymae, 70 corrected to Ille, as per entry on page 70.
+      Sage Advice, 128 corrected to 28.
+      Reverse of Circumstances, 9 corrected to 10.
+      Reason Why, The, 213 corrected to 231.
+      New Scholar, A, 82 corrected to 98.
+      Naval Oratory, 108 corrected to 117.
+      Money's Work, 188 corrected to Money's Worth, as per entry on
+        page 188.
+      Omnious, Very!, 213 corrected to Ominous, as per entry on page 213.
+      Explanation, An, 180, was out of order alphabetically, and was moved
+        one line down.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Jest Book, by Mark Lemon
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