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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159,
+December 29, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, December 29, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 11, 2007 [EBook #20334]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+DECEMBER 29, 1920
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+No newspapers were published on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. We did not
+begrudge them their holiday, but we do think _The Daily Mail_ might
+have issued occasional bulletins respecting the weather at Thanet, as
+we consider three days is too long to keep their readers in suspense.
+
+       * * *
+
+The most popular indoor game this winter seems to be
+Battledore-and-Juttlecock.
+
+       * * *
+
+A woman informed a London magistrate last Tuesday that her husband
+thrashed her at Easter, Whitsuntide and on August Bank Holiday.
+Our thoughts were constantly with her during the recent Yuletide
+festivities.
+
+       * * *
+
+Readers should not be alarmed if a curious rustling noise is heard
+next Saturday morning. It will be simply the sound of new leaves being
+turned over.
+
+       * * *
+
+In view of the possible increase of their salaries it is not the
+intention of Members of Parliament to solicit Christmas-boxes.
+Householders, therefore, should be on their guard against men passing
+themselves off as M.P.s.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our attention is drawn to the fact that the latest photograph of Mr.
+LLOYD GEORGE shows him to be smoking a cigar with the band on. We can
+only say that CROMWELL wouldn't have done it.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our magistrates appear to be made of poor stuff these days. A man
+named SNAIL was last week summoned before the Feltham magistrates
+for exceeding the speed limit, yet no official joke was made.
+Incidentally, why is it that Mr. Justice DARLING never gets a real
+chance like this?
+
+       * * *
+
+A New York policeman has been arrested in the act of removing a safe
+from a large drapery store. It is said that upon being seen by another
+policeman he offered to run and fetch a burglar.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mme. DELYSIA has been bitten by a dog in New York. The owner's
+defence, that the animal had never tasted famous dancer before, is not
+likely to be accepted.
+
+       * * *
+
+Like a soothing balm just before the old year dies comes the
+intimation from Mr. LOVAT FRASER that there is a bright side to
+things.
+
+       * * *
+
+With reference to the opening of the pantomime season it is reported
+that a couple of new jokes have been found nesting in a Glasgow
+theatre.
+
+       * * *
+
+Psychologists are inclined to attribute the recent night stampede of
+sheep in the Midlands, when thousands of them jumped their hurdles,
+to the influence of a large number of people concentrating on a
+well-known remedy for sleeplessness.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is stated that rabies does not exist in Ireland. Our opinion is
+that it wouldn't be noticed if it did.
+
+       * * *
+
+Very few English Christmas customs, we hear, are prevalent out
+in Russia. We have always felt that the custom of clients giving
+Christmas-boxes to their executioners will never become very popular.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is rumoured that the repeated assassinations of General VILLA have
+made it necessary for him to resign his position as Permanent Chief
+Insurgent to the State of Mexico.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Morning Post_ has remarked that nowadays the Eton boy is often
+reduced to travelling third-class. It is hoped to persuade Sir ERIC
+GEDDES to disguise himself as an Eton boy during the holidays to see
+how it feels.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is now admitted that the plum-pudding which was badly mauled by a
+small boy in the Hoxton district on Christmas Day began it by inviting
+his assailant to "come on."
+
+       * * *
+
+D'ANNUNZIO is reported to be coming to a more reasonable frame of
+mind. Apparently he is disposed to allow Italy a certain measure of
+independence.
+
+       * * *
+
+People step out into the road and never look to right or left, says a
+London coroner. This makes things far too easy for motorists.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dr. A. GRAHAM BELL recently told a Derby audience how he invented the
+telephone. We note that he still refuses to say why.
+
+       * * *
+
+We are informed that, on and after the 1st of January, Mr. CHURCHILL
+cannot undertake to refute the opinions of any writer who has not been
+officially recognised as a best seller.
+
+       * * *
+
+A scientist has succeeded in putting a pea to sleep with
+electro-magnetism. The clumsy old method of drowning it in a plate of
+soup should now be a thing of the past.
+
+       * * *
+
+General TOWNSHEND says that with seventy thousand men he could
+have conquered half Asia. But then he might have lost Mr. HORATIO
+BOTTOMLEY.
+
+       * * *
+
+What we want now is something to make the world safe for those who
+made the world safe for democracy.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is now on the market a new patent contrivance which gives
+warning when the contents of an oven are on the point of burning. We
+have secured a sample, but unfortunately our cook still relies on her
+sense of smell.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Leather is now much cheaper," we read. Yet we have noticed no drop in
+the price of restaurant steak.
+
+       * * *
+
+On January 1st the Ministry of Munitions will enter upon its second
+year of winding up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR GOGGLERS.
+
+_First Girl in grandmotherly spectacles (to second ditto)._ "HOW
+FRIGHTFULLY OUT OF DATE THAT WOMAN IS. FANCY--LORGNETTES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAPPY HOOTS.
+
+Yes, it is nearly twelve now. In ten minutes we shall hear the
+bells--I mean the hooters. I wonder if there were hooters when
+TENNYSON wrote those popular lines about ringing in the New Year. Very
+likely he didn't hear them if there were, as there's nothing to show
+that he ever really stayed up late enough to see the New Year in. It's
+a pity, because the hooters would have fitted in to that poem most
+beautifully. The hooting idea is just what is wanted to give a
+dramatic contrast to the sugary ringing business.
+
+  "Ring out the false, ring in the true"
+
+doesn't _convince_ somehow; it's too impartial. One doesn't say to the
+footman, "Show the Rector up, please, and show this blackmailer out,"
+even at the Lyceum. One says, "_Kick_ this black-hearted hound out,"
+and the footman realises then that you have something against the
+fellow. Just so one doesn't gather from the above line that the poet
+has any strong preference as between the false and the true, except
+that there is no good rhyme to "the false," unless you can count
+"waltz"; but what about--
+
+  _Hoot_ out the old, ring in the new;
+  _Hoot_ out the false, ring in the true?
+
+Magnificent! There's some sting in that; it "gets over," and it brings
+the whole poem into harmony with modern practice.
+
+Come on, we'd better have another dance before the great moment. I
+wonder if TENNYSON ever saw the New Year in at two guineas a head. I
+don't expect so. For that matter it's the first time we've done it at
+an expensive public "Revel" ourselves; but then this is the first year
+we've been absolutely bankrupt. Up till now we've been rather well
+off, and have celebrated cheaply at home. Do you realise that this is
+our wedding-day? I believe you'd forgotten; women never remember these
+things. Yes, it's six years.... Six years. And this is the first year
+we've been bankrupt. All the same, as I say, it's the first year we've
+come out and had a jolly good supper. Reckless? Yes, I'm afraid we
+are. But we've caught it from the Government.... However, to-morrow
+we'll start a new cheque-book.
+
+Have you made your resolutions yet? I have. Do you remember this time
+last year? You said you'd keep accounts, and I said I wouldn't smoke
+so much. And all the year through our resolution has never wavered.
+I've got evidence of that. Look at my diary. Here we are:--
+
+_January 1st._--G. started keeping accounts. Gave up smoking.
+
+And here we are again:--
+
+_March 20th._--G. started accounts.
+
+_March 29th._--Knocked off smoking.
+
+That shows it was no mere flash-in-the-pan, doesn't it?
+
+And we _went on_ like that. Look at this:--
+
+_June 6th._--Gave up smoking.
+
+_June 7th._--Only one pipe since yesterday.
+
+_June 30th._--Cut myself down to four pipes a day.
+
+_July 1st-9th._--G. keeping accounts; knocked off smoking.
+
+But I wonder why I kept writing it down. Even in September, you see, I
+wasn't taking it for granted:--
+
+_September 29th._--Quarter-Day. Not smoking this quarter. G. began new
+system of accounts.
+
+It looks like bragging, doesn't it? But I don't think I can have meant
+it that way. Still, it is rather marvellous, when you come to think of
+it--here we are, after all these months, twelve of them, and we still
+stick doggedly to the same unswerving resolution. Nothing can alter
+it. That's what I call tenacity of purpose.
+
+You don't think I'm serious? But I am. I'm just as serious as I was
+last year. This year I _shall_ give up smoking. Only I think you ought
+to give up your hot-water bottle in sympathy. You won't? No, I know
+you won't. You're a slave of the bottle, you see. It doesn't do you
+any harm? Oh, yes it does. It makes your backbone flabby, and it makes
+you susceptible to colds, and it gives you chilblains, and, anyhow,
+it's morally pernicious, because it's an _indulgence_.... If I'd known
+you were a hot-water-bottle woman before we were married.... However,
+we needn't go into that. But if you won't give up your bottle I shan't
+give up smoking after all.
+
+Look, they're opening the windows. We shall all catch cold. Can you
+hear anything? I can hear those people eating. What a draught! Can
+you hear anything? I can hear the eaters quite plainly now. Here comes
+Father Christmas. I believe he is going to give us all gifts.
+
+Can you hear anything yet? I have been given a diary. What have you
+got? Another diary? Is yours for 1921? So is mine. How dull! Christmas
+will be on a Sunday next year, I see. So will our wedding-day. I hope
+you'll remember it this time. And they have arranged for the Spring to
+begin on March 21st. Think of it! Spring--in less than three months!
+
+There they go.
+
+  Hoot out, wild hooters, to the wild sky!
+
+What a jolly noise! Much better than bells, really much more accurate
+as an expression of one's feelings. There's a sort of "faint but
+pursuing" note about it. And that's how I feel, rather. It was a
+dreadful year, really, wasn't it?--that last one, I mean. No money,
+no clothes--nothing but rates and dentists and small accounts
+respectfully submitted for our esteemed favour. One long crisis....
+But we kept the flag flying. This year----
+
+Hallo! somebody's going to recite. What do you think it will be?
+You'll never guess. Yes, you're quite right.
+
+  Ring out a slowly-dying cause
+  And ancient forms of party strife.
+
+That sounds like a bit of Government propaganda. Disgraceful, I call
+it. If I was a Wee Free----
+
+  Ring in the nobler modes of life,
+  With sweeter manners----
+
+That's a hit at somebody, too, I shouldn't wonder. Somebody must
+have written a topical verse for the occasion. Those people are still
+eating. I expect they are doing Hog-money, or whatever it is....
+
+Are you still as obstinate as ever about that hot-water bottle? Very
+well, then, I shall now have the first smoke of the New Year. Oh, no;
+we 've got to do _Auld Lang Syne_ first. I never _can_ smoke while I'm
+singing.
+
+"Should auld acquaintance...." Do you know any of the people here? No?
+Do you ever want to see any of them again? No? Never mind, they've
+all paid a lot of money to hold our hands; let them have their
+money's worth.... "A right gude willie-waucht...." Waiter! One large
+willie-waucht, please, and a small pint stoup.... Do you realise that
+this is the only night in the year when you can get a willie-waucht at
+this hour? What a world!
+
+Six years. Do you see that nice couple over there? I bet they haven't
+been married as long as we have. And I bet they're not so bankrupt.
+This is going to be a dreadful year. I can see that at once. But we'll
+keep the flag flying.
+
+Ah, here come the willie-wauchts. Thank you, waiter.
+
+Well, my dear--a cup of kindness with you. Here's luck!
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATURAL HISTORY ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD.
+
+    "St. Columb's Court and North-End met at The Farm, when
+    St. Columb's Court were the victors by three goats to
+    one."--_Irish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Harry ---- (19), described as a comedian, was bound over in
+    �5 for six months under the rug, the property of Hilda ----."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+It seems that HARRY was not the only comedian in court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BOXING NIGHTMARE.
+
+  THE GOOD FAIRY GEORGINA. "I WAVE MY WAND--UTOPIA DOTH APPEAR ...
+  (_extemporising_) SOMETHING'S GONE WRONG. O DEAR! O DEAR! O DEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Post-War Sportsman._ "THE HOUNDS MEET ON THE LAWN
+TO-MORROW, MY DEAR. WE MUST GIVE THEM A STIRRUP-CUP."
+
+_Wife._ "I HOPE THE CHEF KNOWS HOW TO MAKE IT. IF NOT I SUPPOSE
+CLARET-CUP WOULD DO?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELIZABETH'S CHRISTMAS.
+
+"I've always thort 'ow I'd love to 'ave a reel nice Christmas,"
+remarked Elizabeth--"a jolly proper kind o' one, you know, 'm."
+
+"Don't you find Christmas a pleasant time, then?" I inquired.
+
+"Well, you see, 'm, I bin in service ever since I was turned fifteen,
+an' you know wot Christmas in service is. An extry tip, I will say,
+but a lot of extry work to go along with it--and wot washin' up!
+Some'ow it orl seems so different in books an' on the pictures."
+
+She sighed as she spoke and a look that was almost human crept into
+the arid region of her countenance. A feeling of compunction swept
+over me. Was it possible that this poor simple girl concealed depths
+of conviviality in her nature and a genial disposition which I, in
+common with all her former employers, had carelessly overlooked? I
+will admit that this unexpected phase in Elizabeth's character touched
+and interested me.
+
+"Elizabeth," I cried in a sudden glow of enthusiasm, "you shall have
+your jolly Christmas--I will provide it. You shall have your turkey,
+plum-pudding, mince-pies, crackers, mistletoe and all the rest of
+it." _Cheeryble_ in his most beneficent mood could not have felt more
+expansive than I did just then. "You can invite your friends; we shall
+not be at home, so you will have the place to yourself."
+
+"Lor!" she ejaculated. "D'ye reerly mean it, 'm?"
+
+"I do, Elizabeth. Let me know the sort of Christmas you've always
+longed for and I'll see that you get it."
+
+She drew up her lank form and her face shone. "Well, 'm, I don't know
+where you get 'em, but for one thing I've often thort as 'ow I'd like
+to 'ave a festlebord."
+
+"What's that?" I asked, puzzled. "Is it in the Stores' list?"
+
+"I don't know, 'm, but there's always a lot about it in the books.
+When the Squire's son comes 'ome repentant at Christmas-tide they
+always gathers round a festlebord and rejoices."
+
+I began to see light. "You mean a 'festal board'?"
+
+"That's wot I sed, 'm."
+
+"Well, you shall have one, Elizabeth, I'll see to that. I'd let you
+have a Squire's son as well, but unfortunately the only ones I know
+are not repentant--as yet. And now tell me which of your friends you
+would like to invite."
+
+"There's my sister-in-lor 'ud like to come--'er that I 'aven't been
+on speakin' terms with for five years--but she shan't. An' my friend
+isn't comin'; I'll see to that arter the things she sed about me to my
+young man's cousin--sorcy baggage! As for my two aunts they don't set
+foot under the same roof as me arter the way----"
+
+"Never mind about the people you're not inviting," I broke in; "we
+don't need a list of them. Who do you want to come?"
+
+"Well, there's Mrs. Spurge, the char--a real nice lady, as you know,
+'m. Then I'd like to arsk Polly, the sister of the cook wot lives in
+the 'ouse at the corner with red 'air; an' there's Mary Baxter. An'
+isn't it lucky my sailor-brother will be 'ome for the first time in
+ten years? Can 'e come too, 'm? 'E's been round the world twice."
+
+"In that case, Elizabeth, he certainly ought to be invited. He may
+even have returned home repentant, so you will be able to rejoice at
+the festal board in proper style."
+
+"Oh, 'm, isn't it luverly? I won't 'arf have a beano this Christmas.
+Wot a time we'll 'ave, _wot_ a time!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For my part I did not pass a very blithesome Christmas. Henry's aunt,
+who invited us, is rich, but she is also dull, and several times I
+found myself rather envying Elizabeth. While Aunt Jane nodded in her
+chair, Henry and I pictured those boisterous revels of Elizabeth and
+her friends, their boundless mirth, their unrestrained gaiety. We
+imagined them too gathered round the sailor-brother, listening with
+rapt delight as he told them stories of the far-off wonder-lands he
+had known. Henry sighed then and said there were times when he envied
+the so-called lower classes their capacity for enjoyment.
+
+When we returned home Elizabeth greeted us with beaming countenance.
+"I 'ope you 'ad a good time," she said; "I know _I_ 'ad."
+
+"Then it really was as nice as you thought it would be, Elizabeth?"
+
+"It was first-rate, 'm. Leastways orl went well until arter dinner,
+when we begins chippin' each other and ends in 'avin' a few words.
+My sailor-brother started it by chaffin' Polly about 'er red 'air an'
+arskin' why she didn't cut it orf, an' she told 'im then that if 'e'd
+such an objection to red she wondered 'e didn't cut 'is own nose orf.
+Arter that one thing led to another; we took sides an'----"
+
+"Oh, Elizabeth, you don't mean to say you quarrelled?" I interrupted
+sorrowfully.
+
+"Oh, no, it wasn't quarrellin', 'm--just bargin', you know. Any'ow it
+ended in Polly an' Mary an' my brother goin' off early. I was chilly
+to Mrs. Spurge owin' to 'er 'avin' said that she didn't believe my
+sailor-brother 'd ever been further than Wapping in a coal-barge.
+I shouldn't 'ave spoke to 'er again that evenin' if the book 'adn't
+brought us together again friendly, like."
+
+"What book?" I asked, bewildered.
+
+"One of yours that I got out of the study, 'm. Oh, _wot_ a book!
+Sorter ghost story in a manner o' speakin'. I laughed an' I cried over
+it, turn about. So did Mrs. Spurge. You see we read bits out to each
+other--kep it up till three o'clock in the mornin', we did. It was
+luverly!"
+
+"And what was the book called?" I inquired.
+
+"It's called _A Christmas Car'l_, 'm, by Mr. DICKINGS. Why didn't
+nobody tell me about it afore? It's far better 'n the pictures. 'Just
+like 'eaven,' Mrs. Spurge said."
+
+"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, Elizabeth."
+
+"It's the 'appiest Christmas I ever 'ad, 'm. That there Mr. Dickings
+is a one! 'E do know wot's wot in festlebords."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Patient._ "MY MISSIS SENT ME FUR A BOTTLE O' MEDICINE
+FUR ME CORF. SHE SAYS IT KEEPS HER AWAKE O' NIGHTS. I SAYS, 'YOU'VE
+NOBBUT TO LIE AWAKE. I'VE GOT TO LIE AWAKE AN' CORF.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW, WHY AND WHAT.
+
+_(Being the Tragedy of the Conscientious Inquirer who fell among
+Philistines.)_
+
+  There was an old man who said, "How
+  Can I link the To-Be with the Now?"
+      But they said, "Poor old thing!
+      You've been reading Dean INGE,
+  And you're _not_ high enough in the brow."
+
+  But in spite of this check he said, "Why
+  Is my Ego the same as my I?"
+      So they put him to bed
+      And placed ice on his head
+  till the cerebral storm had passed by.
+
+  Now I'm told he is asking them, "What
+  Use has psycho-analysis got?"
+      And they answer, "N.E.
+      If you're not an M.D.,
+  Or a novelist minus a plot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A cargo of 800 German pianos arrived at the Tyne from Hamburg
+    on Saturday."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Another key industry in danger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNFINISHED DRAWING FOR "PUNCH" BY THE LATE F. H.
+TOWNSEND.
+
+THE FIGURE OF THE LITTLE GIRL WAS SKETCHED ON THE MORNING OF HIS
+DEATH. THE LEGEND WHICH THIS PICTURE WAS TO ILLUSTRATE IS NOT KNOWN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MAYBIRDS.
+
+I can see some justification for keeping peacocks, especially if
+you have shaven lawns and terraces and sundials, though sundials, I
+imagine, are rather a nuisance now-a-days, because of the trouble of
+having them reset for summer and winter time. Peacocks at any rate are
+beautiful, and, if their voices are apt in England to become a little
+hoarse, that is only because they screech when the weather is going to
+be bad.
+
+The pheasant is also a useful and beautiful fowl. One may put down
+bread-crumbs to attract the pheasant to one's garden when he is alive,
+or to one's plate when he is dead.
+
+But I can see no justification whatever for keeping maybirds, for
+they are neither useful nor beautiful. Perhaps you do not know what
+a maybird is. I have five maybirds. I have them because people here
+would keep saying to me, "Look at the price of fresh eggs, and how
+much nicer it is to have your own." It is a curious thing about the
+country that people are always giving one disinterested advice in
+the matter of domestic economy. In London it is different. In London
+people let you take a twopenny bus ticket to Westminster instead of
+walking across the Park, and go to ruin in your own sweet way. They
+rather admire your dash. But in the country they tell you about these
+things.
+
+So I went to a man and confessed to him my trouble about fresh eggs.
+
+"I see," he said; "you want maybirds."
+
+"No, I don't," I said; "I want hens."
+
+"It's the same thing," he told me. "How many would you like?"
+
+"Five," I said. I thought five would be an unostentatious number and
+make it clear that I was not trying to compete with the wholesale
+egg-dealers.
+
+He segregated five maybirds and explained their points to me.
+
+It appeared that one of them was a Buff Orpington and three were white
+Wyandottes and one had no particular politics. I should say now that
+it was an Independent. It has speckles and is the one that keeps
+getting into the garden.
+
+I asked him when the creatures would begin to enter upon their new
+duties, and he said they would do so at once.
+
+"What is their maximum egg-laying velocity?" I inquired.
+
+"They'll lay about three eggs a day between them," he said, "these
+five birds."
+
+"Why between them?" I enquired. But I consented to buy his birds, and
+he said if I liked he would run round to my garden at once and run up
+a hen-house and a hen-run for me. "Run" seemed rather a word with him.
+
+I said, "Yes, by all means."
+
+He came round that evening and hewed down an apple-tree under the
+light of the moon to make room for the maybird-run, and in the morning
+he brought a large roll of wire-netting, and the next day he built a
+wooden house, and the day after that he brought his five maybirds,
+and the day after that he came round and asked for some cinders. He
+sprinkled these all over the enclosure, and I watched him while he
+worked.
+
+"What is that for?" I asked.
+
+"They want something to scratch in when they run about," he explained.
+"Exercise is what they need."
+
+"They seem to be scratching already, but they don't seem to be
+running," I said. "Wouldn't it have been better to put a cinder-track
+all round the edge and train them to run races round it?"
+
+He said that he hadn't thought of that, but I could try it if I
+liked. Then he gave me a bag of food, which he said was particularly
+efficacious for maybirds, and produced his bill.
+
+All this happened about a month ago, and for the last four weeks the
+principal preoccupation of my household has been the feeding of these
+five birds. I have had to lay a gravel-path from the aviary to the
+back premises in order to sustain the weight of the traffic. Huge
+bowls of hot food are constantly being mixed and carried to them,
+without any apparent consciousness on their part of their reciprocal
+responsibilities. What I mean to say is that there are no eggs. The
+food which they eat resembles Christmas-pudding at the time when it is
+stirred, and I have suggested that a sixpence should be concealed in
+it every now and then--sixpence being apparently the current price of
+an egg--in order to indicate the nature of our hopes.
+
+I have made other valuable suggestions. I have suggested putting an
+anthracite stove in their sitting-room, and papering the walls
+with illustrations representing various methods of mass production,
+ordinary methods having failed. I notice that cabbages are suspended
+by a string across the top of the parade-ground in order that the
+birds may obtain exercise by springing at them. The cabbages are
+eaten, but I do not believe that the birds jump. I believe that they
+clamber up the wire with their claws, walk along the tight-rope and
+bite the cabbage off with their teeth.
+
+Sometimes, as I think I have mentioned, the one with speckles escapes
+into the garden, and I have several times been asked to chase it home.
+Nothing makes one look more ridiculous than chasing an independent
+maybird of no particular views across an onion bed. The rest of the
+animals appear to spend most of their time in walking about the run
+with their hands in their pockets looking for things on the ground.
+
+But every now and then one or other of them makes the loud cry which
+is usually associated with successful egg-production; the whole
+household troops beaming with anticipation along the gravel-path; and
+it is then discovered that the Buff has knocked one of the Whites off
+her perch, or that one of the Whites has scratched a cinder on which
+the Buff had set her eye, or that the Independent member has made a
+bitter speech which is deeply resented by the Coalition. But there are
+no eggs.
+
+About a week ago the corn which apparently forms a part of the
+necessary nourishment of maybirds, and is kept in an outhouse, was
+attacked by rats. I was told that I must do something about this. I
+buttered some slices of bread with arsenic and laid them down on the
+outhouse floor. The rats ate the bread and arsenic and went on with
+the corn. Unless a great improvement is manifested in the New Year I
+have decided to butter the maybirds with arsenic and place them in the
+outhouse too.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nurse._ "LITTLE GENTLEMEN, MASTER ERIC, LEAVE THE LAST
+MINCE-PIE TO THEIR SISTERS."
+
+_Generous Little Girl._ "O NURSE, DO LET HIM BE A LITTLE CAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CYCLONE IN THE CHANNEL ISLANDS.
+
+    "Meteorological Notes.
+
+    Harbour Office, Jersey. Wind - E.W.E. - Strong Breeze."
+
+    _Jersey Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To get away, the man must have jumped from a height of about
+    ten feet to the ground, then across a garden, and over a wall
+    about eight feet high into a laneway."--_Irish Paper._
+
+Some "lep," as they say in Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In the House of Lords on Saturday, the expiring
+    Lords Continuance Bill [was] read a third time and
+    passed."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Trust the Peers for looking after themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Child (saying prayers_). "GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY
+BREAD-AND-BUTTER."
+
+_Governess._ "NO, DEAR--NOT BUTTER." _Child._ "MARGE, THEN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LETTERS I NEVER POSTED.
+
+CONCERNING GOOD RESOLUTIONS.
+
+TO THE GIRL AT THE EXCHANGE.
+
+The New Year is upon us and with it comes the determination to mend
+our bad habits and make serious efforts to turn over a new leaf.
+Perhaps you have already thought of this and have made some good
+resolutions; perhaps, on the other hand, you cannot think of anything
+amiss that needs correcting. In this case will you let me help you_?_
+In every other respect you may be perfection, but as an exchange
+operator, which is the only capacity in which (alas!) I know you, you
+are often lacking. I have no doubt that you are charming in private
+life and that we should get on famously if we met at dinner; but you
+have an irritating way of giving me the wrong number, which I do most
+cordially hope you will lose during 1921. When I protest, you merely
+say you are sorry, but what I suggest is that an ounce of careful
+listening at first is worth tons of sorrow later. Kingston doesn't
+really sound a bit like Brixton, and yet yesterday, when I asked for a
+Kingston number, you put me at once on to the same number in the other
+suburb. Constantly when I say I want 2365 you give me 2356. To give
+you your due you are always, I will admit, sorry; but....
+
+Another thing. Sometimes, when you ring me up and I answer, all you
+do is to ask, "Number, please," as though I had rung you. (It is then
+that I feel most that I should like to wring you.) When I reply, "But
+you rang me," you revert to your prevailing regretful melancholy and
+say, "Sorry you were troubled," and before I can go deeply into the
+question and discover how these things occur you ring off. Can't
+you make an effort during 1921 not to do this? Let it be a year of
+gladness.
+
+Sometimes I am perfectly certain you don't ring up the number I want
+until after you have asked me once or twice if they have answered.
+Isn't that so? "I'll ring them again," you say with a kind of resigned
+adventurousness; but, knowing as I do that they have been waiting for
+my call, I am not taken in. But what I want to know is--what were you
+doing instead of ringing up at first? I suppose that these secrets
+will never be penetrated by the ordinary subscriber outside the sacred
+precincts; but I wish you would give me fewer of such problems to
+ponder during the year that is coming.
+
+P.S.--Have you ever considered, with proper alarm, what would happen
+to a cinema story if a wrong number were provided by the operator, or
+if any delay whatever occurred? This should make you think.
+
+TO A RACING JOURNALIST.
+
+I suggest that you should include among your good resolutions for the
+New Year the decision not to allow your readers to participate in your
+special information as to which horse will come in first. Tell them
+all you like about yesterday's sport, but dangle no more "security
+tips" before their diminishing purses. If they must bet--which
+of course they must, as betting is now the principal national
+industry--let them at least have the fun of selecting the "also-ran"
+themselves.
+
+TO MANY AN EDITOR.
+
+In contemplating your 1921 programme of regeneration could you not
+make a vow to dispense with all headlines that ask questions? Probably
+you never see the paper yourself and therefore have no feeling in the
+matter, but I can assure you that the habit can become very wearisome.
+"Will it freeze to-day?" "Can Beckett win?" "Will Hobbs reach his
+3,000 runs?" "Are the Lords going to pass the Bill?" Won't you make an
+effort to do without this formula? It is futile in itself and has the
+unfortunate effect of raising what surely are undesirable doubts as to
+whether journalists are any more sensible than their readers.
+
+TO ONE EDITOR IN PARTICULAR.
+
+No comic hats in 1921, please.
+
+TO THE P.M.G.
+
+There is, as everyone (except possibly Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN and the
+cynic who professes to hate letters so much that he wishes that they
+cost a shilling a-piece to send) will agree, one good resolution which
+above all others you should concentrate upon for 1921, and that is
+to get back our penny postage. With so many comparatively unnecessary
+things still untaxed, it never should have been sacrificed.
+
+TO A PORK BUTCHER.
+
+Among the problems of this latter day of discontents few are more
+pressing than speculating as to why sausages and pork-pies have so
+degenerated. Under the malign influence of Peace, sausages have become
+tasteless and pork-pies nothing but pies with pork in them; the crust
+chiefly plaster-of-Paris, and the meat not an essential element, soft
+and seductive and fused with the pastry, but an alien assortment of
+half-cooked cubes. I can understand that after a great war a certain
+deterioration must set in, but I fail to see why sausages and
+pork-pies, if made at all, should not be made as well as ever,
+especially as you get such a long price for them. Couldn't
+you--wouldn't you--try in 1921 to make them with some at least of the
+old care?
+
+TO A CABINET MINISTER.
+
+Might not a vow against writing for the papers be rather a nice one to
+observe during 1921? It is quite on the cards that one's duties to
+the State (not too inadequately paid for) ought to be sufficiently
+exacting to preclude journalism at all. There's a question of dignity
+too, although I hesitate to drag that in.
+
+TO THE CHIEF OF THE POLICE.
+
+Couldn't you (I hope I am addressing the right gentleman) arrange that
+before 1921 becomes 1922--twelve whole months--a simple device is made
+for taxis by which a square of red glass can be slipped over one
+of the lamps at night to indicate that the cab is free? I'm sure
+it wouldn't really be difficult, and the comfort of London would be
+enormously increased.
+
+TO A TAXI-DRIVER.
+
+You will perhaps note what I have just said to the Chief of the
+Police. If you had any interest in your work you would, of course,
+long since have fixed up something of the kind for yourself. But let
+that pass. All I am suggesting to you as a 1921 amendment is that you
+should bank in a more accessible part of your clothing. Waiting for
+change in this weather (especially with the flag still down) can be an
+exasperating experience. Won't you make a resolution during the coming
+year to keep your money nearer the surface?
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Neighbour (bearer of message, to billiard
+enthusiast)._ "YOU'RE WANTED AT 'OME, CHARLIE. YER WIFE'S JUST
+PRESENTED YER WITH ANOTHER REBATE OFF YER INCOME-TAX."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO DEAL WITH WINDBAGS.
+
+    "The address was punctured throughout with cheers."--_West
+    Indian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There would be a grand dinner and music, and
+    splendidly-dressed ladies to look at, and things to eat that
+    strangely twisted the girls' paws when they tried to tell
+    about them," _Weekly Paper._
+
+Mem.--Never try to talk the deaf-and-dumb language after dinner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Profiteer (to his wife)._ "PRETTY MIXED LOT AT THIS
+HOTEL. 'ERE COME SOME MORE O' THEM PRE-WAR BLIGHTERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BARKER THAT MISSED FIRE.
+
+On hearing a shuffle of feet in the porch and the clearing of little
+throats, I exclaimed, "Those carols again!" If between "those" and
+"carols" I inserted another word, I withdraw it.
+
+I went into the hall and barked like a dog.
+
+I have often said that, if anyone could earn a hundred pounds a week
+on the stage by barking like a dog, I could. Children like to come to
+my house to tea merely for the thrill of listening to my imitation. I
+used to flatter myself that I could bark like a dog even better than
+NELSON KEYS can imitate GERALD DU MAURIER.
+
+I hardly gave the carol-singers time even to mention Royal David's
+city before I barked. Instantly one pair of little feet scuttled away
+towards the gate; then a voice called, "Don't be silly, Alfy; come on
+back."
+
+Two small girls stood at the front-door as I opened it. One of them
+smiled up at me and said, "He thinks he's going to be bit." She
+appeared to be amused by the idea. Down by the gate was a small
+muffled figure carrying a Chinese lantern. "Come on back, Alfy,"
+she called again, "and let's sing to the gentleman. You see," she
+explained to me in confidence, "he's got addleoids and can't sing
+loud, so we let him hold the lantern."
+
+I was beginning to feel sorry that I had played a trick on such
+inoffensive children and was about to assure them that my savage
+bull-terrier was safely locked up in the kitchen when the brave little
+lass began chattering again.
+
+"My dad keeps dogs--all sorts," she told me, "and sells them to
+gentlemen. So I'm used to dogs." Then she turned once more to the
+lantern-bearer and commanded, "Now come on and sing, Alfy. It ain't a
+dog at all; it's only the gentleman trying to make a noise like one."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Rod Iron Red Mail Bird, year old; good breed;
+    16s."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We fancy it must be an armour-clad rooster of this species
+that, crossed with a Plymouth Rock, was responsible for the
+reinforced-concrete chicken that we met at dinner the other night.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When once the exchanges of the world have righted
+    themselves--and that is bound to come about sooner or
+    later--then will follow such a reaction in the trade of
+    the country that will exceed the expectations of the most
+    sanguinary optimist."--_Trade Paper._
+
+We think this must be intended as a hit at TROTSKY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.
+
+THE OYSTER.
+
+  The oyster takes no exercise;
+  I don't believe she really tries;
+      And since she has no legs
+  I don't see why she should, do you?
+  Besides, she has a lot to do--
+      She lays a million eggs.
+  At any rate she doesn't stir;
+  Her food is always brought to her.
+
+  But sometimes through her open lips
+  A horrid little creature slips
+      Which simply will not go;
+  And that annoys the poor old girl;
+  It means she has to make a pearl--
+      It _irritates_, you know;
+  So, crooning some small requiem,
+  She turns the thing into a gem.
+
+  And when I meet the wives of Earls
+  With lovely necklaces of pearls
+      It makes me see quite red;
+  For every jewel on the chain
+  Some patient oyster had a pain
+      And had to stay in bed.
+  To think what millions men can make
+  Out of an oyster's tummy-ache!
+
+    A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "AT ---- HALL, ST. JOHN'S WOOD, TUES., BY AUCTION, STOCK OF A
+    FURRIER.--CATS. FREE." _ADVT. IN DAILY PAPER._
+
+A CASE OF ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: MICAWBER AND SON.
+
+SENILE OPTIMIST. "AND TO YOU, MY BOY, I BEQUEATH--MY LIABILITIES. MAY
+YOU BE WORTHY OF THEM!"
+
+JUVENILE DITTO. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. SOMETHING'S SURE TO TURN UP!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: AT THE MILLENNIUM STORES.
+
+_MR. LLOYD GEORGE (CHAIRMAN)._ "YOU'VE WORKED SPLENDIDLY UP TO
+CHRISTMAS, AND IF YOU'LL PUT YOUR BACKS INTO IT FOR THE NEW YEAR TRADE
+I'LL SEE IF I CAN'T GIVE YOU A GOOD LONG HOLIDAY IN THE AUTUMN."
+
+_Mr. BONAR LAW (Manager)._ "OR SOME OTHER TIME."
+
+MR. BONAR LAW, MR. LLOYD GEORGE, MR. SHORTT, MR. CHAMBERLAIN, MR.
+NEAL, SIR ERIC GEDDES, SIR ROBERT HORNE, MR. CHURCHILL.]
+
+_Monday, December 20th._--As the result of being tossed backwards and
+forwards between the two Houses the Government of Ireland Bill had
+already lost most of its awkward corners. The last two were rounded
+off to-day, when the Government secured that Southern Ireland should
+have three years, instead of two, in which to make up her mind whether
+to accept or refuse the proffered Parliament, and that in the meantime
+only a joint resolution of both Houses should prevent the Act from
+coming into operation. Lord MIDLETON pressed hard for a retention
+of the Lords' veto, but was thrown overboard by Lord CREWE, who was
+greatly impressed by the LORD CHANCELLOR'S reminder that within three
+years there must be a General Election.
+
+In the Commons Sir ROBERT HORNE performed his customary Monday dance
+among the fiscal egg-shells. He declined to give an estimate as to
+the number of British workmen unemployed owing to the importation
+of German goods--"no man who breathes could do it"--and judiciously
+evaded acceptance of Sir FREDERICK HALL'S suggestion that one reason
+why Teuton manufacturers were snapping up Dominion contracts was that
+their employ�s worked eleven hours a day.
+
+The close of one of the longest and weariest sessions on record finds
+the Government in a penitent mood. How long will it last? The
+PRIME MINISTER told one of his supporters that he hoped next year's
+programme would be less exacting, and immediately promised another
+measure dealing with dumping and exchange; and when Sir F. BANBURY
+helpfully suggested that the surest way to avoid an Autumn Session
+would be to introduce fewer Bills Mr. BONAR LAW turned on him with the
+retort that "a surer way would be to introduce none."
+
+An amusing duel between well-matched opponents took place over
+liquor control. Mr. MACQUISTEN, whose voice, at once insinuating
+and penetrative, has been likened to a corkscrew, urged that the
+_bon�-fide_ frequenters of public-houses should be consulted in the
+settlement of the drink regulations. The present arrangement, in his
+view, was like entrusting the regulation of the Churches to avowed
+atheists. Lady ASTOR made full use of her shrill treble in retorting
+that it was the "victims"--by which apparently she meant the wives
+of Mr. MACQUISTEN'S _prot�g�s_--who ought to have the last word.
+She herself had it in the series of incredulous "Oh's!"--uttered
+_crescendo_ on a rising scale and accompanied by appropriate
+gesture--with which she received Mr. MACQUISTEN'S confident assertion
+that the working-men's clubs are the enemies of "the Trade."
+
+Supplementary Estimates produced a good deal of miscellaneous
+information. On the Vote for Road Transport Colonel MILDMAY attacked
+the system of tar-spraying and told a melancholy story of a cow that
+skidded with fatal results. He was backed up by Sir F. BANBURY, who
+said that he had found the ideal pavement in soft wood and awakened
+memories of an ancient jest by suggesting that something might be done
+if he and the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT were to put their heads together.
+
+_Tuesday, December 21st._--Sir WILLIAM DAVISON thundered against the
+Home Office for not taking steps to prevent the desecration of the
+Nelson Column by the delivery of seditious speeches. Sir JOHN BAIRD
+explained that it was impossible to know beforehand what sort of
+speech was going to be delivered. But his critic would have none of
+this paltry excuse. "Did not the regulations provide," he boomed,
+"that the objects of the meetings must be specified?" Fortunately for
+the Minister, who had nearly been blown off the Treasury Bench, Mr.
+HOGGE came to the rescue. "Is it not a fact," he inquired, "that the
+monument was erected to a man who turned a blind eye to orders?"
+
+The strange case of Lord ROTHERMERE and the Committee on Public
+Accounts was further investigated. The Committee had reported that a
+certain stationery contract for the Air Ministry had been extravagant
+and improper. The AIR MINISTER at the time was the noble Lord who has
+lately been so eloquent about "squander-mania," but he has since, in
+a letter to the Press, declared that he never signed or initialled
+the order. Lieut.-Colonel ARCHER-SHEE and Mr. ORMSBY-GORE sought the
+opinion of the Treasury on the transaction, and Mr. BALDWIN replied
+that it was certainly usual for a Minister to be held responsible for
+his expenditure, and that if subordinate officials were thrown over by
+their chiefs it would be bad for the Service.
+
+The Lords' amendments to the Commons' amendments to the Lords'
+amendments to the Government of Ireland Bill were agreed to. Sir L.
+WORTHINGTON-EVANS thought to improve the occasion by a neat little
+speech expressing goodwill to Ireland, and, much to his surprise,
+found himself in collision with the SPEAKER, who observed that this
+was not the time for First Reading speeches.
+
+It was rather hard on Lord PEEL, as the grandson of the great Sir
+ROBERT, to have to sponsor the Dyestuffs Bill. He frankly described it
+as "a disagreeable pill." Lord EMMOTT and other Peers showed a strong
+disinclination to take their medicine, but Lord MOULTON said that the
+chemists--naturally enough--were all in favour of it, and persuaded
+the House to swallow the bolus.
+
+In the course of an eleventh-hour effort to destroy the Agriculture
+Bill Lord LINCOLNSHIRE described the PRIME MINISTER'S Christmas motto
+as _Tax Vobiscum_; and the success of his jape served as a partial
+solace for the defeat of his motion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Sea-dog (to nervous passenger)._ "ROLL? SHE _CAN_
+ROLL! D'YE SEE THEM MARKS ON THE WALL? THAT'S OUR FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A WARNING FROM THE SKY.
+
+    [The latest form of mascot is a trinket-model of the sign of
+    the zodiac under which one was born.]
+
+  'Twas Caution bade me: "Think a while;
+    Calm thought may prove your saviour;
+  You've only seen her gala style
+    And very best behaviour;
+  What though her form's divinely planned
+    And rightly you adore it,
+  Her character's an unknown land,
+    You'd better first explore it."
+
+  But such exploring baffled me--
+    She had, to my vexation,
+  No younger brother I could fee
+    For stable information--
+  Until at last I noted (worn
+    Mid baubles weird and various)
+  A mascot which announced her born
+    Beneath the sign Aquarius.
+
+  An ancient tome declared how this
+    Implied that, though a beauty,
+  The girl was careless, slack, remiss
+    And negligent of duty;
+  I stilled in time my cardiac stir
+    And ceased my adoration,
+  Thanking my lucky stars and her
+    Explicit constellation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"PETER PAN."
+
+_Peter Pan_, the play, must by now have long overtaken the age of
+_Peter Pan_, the boy; but, like him, it never grows any older. The
+cast may change, but that seems to make hardly any difference. The new
+_Peter_ (Miss EDNA BEST) is as good as any of them. Graceful of shape
+and lithe of limb, he is still essentially a boy, the realised figure
+of BARRIE'S fancy; a little aloof and inscrutable; romantic, too, in
+his very detachment from the sentiment of romance that he provokes.
+Miss FREDA GODFREY, the new _Wendy_, would have seemed good if we had
+not known better ones. To be frank, she looked rather too mature for
+the part; she needed a more childlike air to give piquancy to her
+assumption of maternal responsibilities. It was pleasant to see Mr.
+HENRY AINLEY unbend to the task, simple for him, of playing _Captain
+Hook_ and _Mr. Darling_. One admired his self-control in refusing to
+impose new subtleties upon established and sacred tradition.
+
+Of familiar friends, age has not withered the compelling charms of Mr.
+SHELTON'S _Smee_, nor, in the person of Mr. CLEAVE, has custom staled
+the infinite futility of _Slightly_. I was glad, too, to find Miss
+SYBIL CARLISLE back in the part of _Mrs. Darling_, which she played
+most appealingly.
+
+The lagoon scene was cut out this year; perhaps it was thought that
+there is enough lagoon in London just now. I could more willingly have
+spared the business of _Mr. Darling_ and the kennel, the one blot in
+the play. My impression of this grotesquerie has not changed since I
+first saw _Peter Pan_.
+
+Among new impressions was a feeling that the domestic details of
+the First Act are a little too leisurely, so that I appreciated the
+impatience of my little neighbour for the arrival of _Peter Pan_,
+whose acquaintance she had still to make. Also from the presence of
+children in my party I became conscious how much of the humour of
+the play--its burlesque, for example, of the stage villain--is only
+seizable by children who have grown up. BARRIE wrote it, of course, to
+please the eternal child in himself, but forgot now and then what an
+unusual child it was.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On Wednesday, January 5th, 1921, at 3.30 and 8 P.M., in the Hall of
+the Inner Temple, the "Time and Talents" Guild will give a series of
+"Action Tableaux," dramatised by Miss WILSON-FOX, in illustration of
+the history of Southwark and Old Bermondsey from Saxon times to
+the present day. There will be singing, in character, by the Stock
+Exchange Choir. The profits will go in aid of the Settlement in
+Bermondsey, which has been carried on for twenty-one years among the
+factory girls by members of "Time and Talents," and to-day includes
+a Hostel, Clubs, a Country Holiday Fund and a cottage in the country.
+Applications for tickets may be made to Miss WILSON-FOX, 17, De Vere
+Gardens, Kensington, W. 8.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GREAT RESOLVE.
+
+    ["When _Chu Chin Chow_ reaches its 2,000th representation on
+    the 29th, it will have run for 1,582 days, 26 days longer than
+    the War." _Sunday Times._]
+
+  Behind its pendent curtain folds
+  We know not what the future holds;
+  We only know that worlds have gone
+  Since _Chu Chin Chow_ was first put on.
+
+  Mid all our stress and strife and change
+  This strikes me as extremely strange;
+  I think when plays go on like this
+  There ought to be an artistice.
+
+  But, when we have another war
+  After the peace we've toiled so for,
+  And empires break and thrones are bust
+  And nations tumble in the dust,
+
+  And culture, rising from the East,
+  On tottering Europe is released,
+  And Chinamen at last shall rule
+  In Dublin, Warsaw and Stamboul,
+
+  Soon as the roar of cannon ends
+  And all men once again are friends,
+  I must fulfil my ancient vow
+  And go and visit _Chu Chin Chow_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ST. CECILIA OF CREMONA.
+
+_Punch_ has no desire to plunge into the controversy which has arisen
+over the employment of women in professional orchestras, especially as
+the cause has already been practically won, and here, at any rate, the
+saying, "What Lancashire thinks to-day England will think to-morrow,"
+has failed to justify itself. The example of Manchester is not being
+followed in London, and what is deemed advisable for the Free Trade
+Hall in one city is not to dominate the policy of the Queen's Hall in
+the other.
+
+But without going into the arguable points of this latest duel of the
+sexes, Mr. Punch, already in the last year which completes his
+fourth score, may be allowed to indulge in an old man's privilege
+of retrospect and incidentally to congratulate the ladies on the
+wonderful and triumphant progress they have made in instrumental art
+since the roaring 'forties. For in the 'forties women, though still
+supreme on the lyric stage, had hardly begun to assert themselves as
+executants, save on the pianoforte. _Punch_ well remembers LISZT--with
+the spelling of whose name he had considerable difficulty--in his
+meteoric pianofortitude. But the young WILMA NERUDA, who visited
+London in 1849, escaped his benevolent notice. She was then only ten.
+It was not until twenty years later that, as Madame NORMAN-NERUDA, she
+revisited London, proved that consummate skill could be combined with
+admirable grace in a woman-violinist, took her place as a leader of
+the quartet at the Monday "Pops," upset the tyranny of the pianoforte
+and harp as the only instruments suitable for the young person, and
+virtually created the professional woman-violinist. Indeed, she may
+be said to have at once made the fiddle fashionable and profitable for
+girls.
+
+On its invasion of Mayfair the pencil of DU MAURIER furnishes the best
+comment. Before 1869, woman-violinists were only single spies; now
+they are to be reckoned in battalions. And they no longer "play the
+easiest passages with the greatest difficulty," as was once said of
+an incompetent male pianist, but in all departments of technique and
+interpretation have fully earned Sir HENRY WOOD'S tribute to their
+skill, sincerity and delicacy. When the eminent conductor goes on, in
+his catalogue of their excellences, to say, "They do not drink,
+and they do not smoke as much as men," he reminds Mr. Punch of two
+historic sayings of a famous foreign conductor. The first was uttered
+at a rehearsal of the Venusberg music from _Tannh�user_: "Gentlemen,
+you play it as if you were teetotalers--_which you are not_." The
+other was his lament over a fine but uncertain wind-instrument player:
+"With ---- it is always Quench, Quench, Quench."
+
+Mr. Punch is old-fashioned enough to hope that, whether teetotalers
+or not, the ladies will leave trombones and tubas severely alone, and
+confine their instrumental energies mainly to the nice conduct of the
+leading strings--the aristocrats of the orchestra, the sovereigns of
+the chamber concert.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a butcher's advertisement:--
+
+    "SPECIAL PRE-WAR PORK, AND BEEF, SAUSAGES."--_Local Paper._
+
+While all in favour of old-fashioned Christmas fare, here we draw the
+line.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Enough butter to cover 265,000,000 slices of bread was
+    produced in Manitoba this year. Of 8,250,000,000 pounds
+    produced, 4,100,000 has been exported."--_Canadian Paper._
+
+Thirty-one pounds of butter to the slice is certainly the most
+tempting inducement to Canadian immigration we have yet noticed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE INSPIRED MUSICIAN AND THE CHRISTMAS HAM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+I can't help thinking that Mr. H. G. HIBBERT has not chosen altogether
+the right name for his second volume of theatrical and Bohemian
+gossip, _A Playgoer's Memories_ (GRANT RICHARDS). It is not so
+unsophisticated as the title had somehow led me to expect. Indeed
+"unsophisticated" is perhaps the last epithet that could justly be
+applied to Mr. HIBBERT'S memories. I fancy I had unconsciously been
+looking for something more in the style of my own ignorant playgoing.
+"How wonderful she was in that scene with the broker's man," or "Do
+you remember the opening of the Third Act?" Not thus Mr. HIBBERT. For
+him the play itself is far less the thing than a peg upon which
+to hang all sorts of tags and bobtails of recollection, financial,
+technical and just not scandalous because of the discretion of the
+telling. His book is a repository of theatrical information, but the
+great part of it of more absorbing concern for the manager's-room or
+the stage-door than, say, the dress circle. But I must not be wanting
+in gratitude for the entertainment which, for all this carping, I
+certainly derived from it. As an expert on stage finance, for example,
+to-day and forty years back, Mr. HIBBERT has revelations that may well
+cause the least concerned to marvel. And there is an appendix, which
+gives a list of Drury Lane pantomimes, with casts, for half a century,
+including, of course, the incomparable first one; but that is not
+a memory of this world. A book to be kept for odd references in two
+senses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CULPABLE NEGLIGENCE ON THE PART OF AN EDITOR OF AN
+ILLUSTRATED PAPER. IMPENDING LIBEL ACTIONS.
+
+CAPTAIN ERIC BLIGHTMAN, WHOSE ENGAGEMENT TO LADY SARAH HUBB HAS JUST
+BEEN ANNOUNCED.
+
+BASHER SMITH, EX-HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF STEPNEY, WHO IS TO ACT AS
+REFEREE AT THE CORKERY-HACKETT FIGHT ON FRIDAY.]
+
+[Transcriber's Note: The captions were reversed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What most interfered with my peace of mind over _The Happy Highways_
+(HEINEMANN) was, I think, its almost entire absence of highway, and
+the exceedingly unhappy nature of its confused and uncharted lanes.
+Indeed, I am wondering now if the title may not have been an instance
+of bitter irony on the part of Miss STORM JAMESON. Certainly a more
+formless mass of writing never within my experience masqueraded as a
+novel. There are ideas and reflections--these last mostly angry and
+vaguely socialistic--and here and there glimpses of illusory narrative
+about a group of young persons, brothers and a girl-friend, who live
+at Herne Hill, attend King's College and talk (oh, but interminably)
+the worst pamphlet-talk of the pre-war age. It is, I take it, a
+reviewer's job to stifle his boredom and push on resolutely through
+the dust to find what good, if any, may be hidden by it. I will admit
+therefore some vague interest in the record of how the War hit such
+persons as these. Also (to the credit of the author as tale-teller)
+she does allow one of the young men to earn a scholarship, and for
+no sane reason to depart instantly thereupon before the mast of a
+sailing-ship; also another, the central figure, to fall in love
+with the girl. The book is in three parts, of which the third is
+superfluously specialized as "chaos." Whether Miss JAMESON will yet
+write a story I am unable to say; I rather wonder, however, that
+Messrs. HEINEMANN did not suggest to her that these heterogeneous
+pages would furnish excellent material for the experiment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have discovered that Miss PEGGY WEBLING has quite a remarkable
+talent for making ordinary places and people seem improbable. She
+achieves this in _Comedy Corner_ (HUTCHINSON) by sketching in her
+scenery quite competently and then allowing her characters to live
+lives, amongst it, so fraught with coincidence, so swayed by the most
+unlikely impulses, that a small draper's shop, a West End "Hattery"
+and an almshouse for old actresses become the most extraordinary
+places on earth, where anything might happen and nobody would be
+surprised. _Winnie_, her heroine, behaves more improbably than anyone
+else, but she is such a dear little goose that most amiable readers
+will be quite glad that she doesn't have to suffer as much as such
+geese would if they existed in real life. You can see from this that
+it is one of those books that are full of real niceness and goodwill,
+and it has besides plenty of plot and lots of interesting characters,
+and yet somehow it gives you the feeling of being out of focus. You
+read on, expecting every moment that clever Miss WEBLING will give
+things a little push in the right direction and make them seem true,
+and, while you are reading and hoping, you come to the happy ending.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Should you enter _The Gates of Tien T'ze_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) you
+will not regret it, but it is possible that you may be--as I was--a
+little breathless before the end of this vehement story is reached.
+The average tale of criminals and detectives is not apt to move
+slowly, but here Mr. LESLIE HOWARD GORDON maintains the speed of a
+half-mile relay race. I am not going to reveal his mystery except
+to say that _Tien T'ze_ was a Chinese organisation which perpetrated
+crimes, and that _Donald Craig_, _Kyrle Durand_--his secretary
+(female) and cousin--and _Bruce MacIvor_, superintendent of the
+Criminal Investigation Department, were employed in tracking it down
+and smashing it to pieces. Never have I met anyone in fiction (let
+fact alone) so clever as _Kyrle_ in getting herself and her friends
+out of tight places. When _Craig_ and _MacIvor_ were so beset by _Tien
+T'ze_ that their last hour seemed to have come I found myself saying,
+"It is time for _Kyrle_ to emerge from her machine," and she emerged.
+In a novel of this _genre_ it is essential that the excitement should
+never fall below fever-heat, but Mr. GORDON'S book does better than
+that; its temperature would, I think, burst any ordinary thermometer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Vicar's Study Circle is now engaged in considering the
+    teaching of what is known as the 'Higher Criticism.' All
+    interested are invited to attend, whatever sex they may claim
+    to possess."
+
+    --_Parish Magazine._
+
+The Vicar evidently possesses the open mind so necessary for
+discussions of this sort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: EPILOGUE]
+
+
+AS WE SEE OTHERS: A CANDID APPRECIATION OF U.S.A.
+
+The liner _de luxe_ had swung in past Sandy Hook, and the tender had
+already come alongside with its mail and Press-gang. There ensued a
+furious race to interview the most distinguished passenger, and it
+was by the representative of _The Democratic Elevator_, who got
+there first, that the Sage, in the very act of recording the emotions
+provoked by his first sky-scraper, was _abord�_.
+
+"Mr. Punch, I guess?" said he. "Pleased to meet you, Sir. And what do
+you think of the American nation?"
+
+"Shall I tell you now," asked Mr. Punch, "or wait till I've actually
+seen it?"
+
+"Right here," said the interviewer, and drew his note-book.
+
+"Well," began Mr. Punch, "I think a good deal of it--I mean, I think a
+good deal about it. And it nearly always makes me smile. Of course you
+won't understand why it nearly always makes me smile, because we
+don't see fun in the same things. You don't appreciate our humour, and
+therefore you say that we haven't any. And if we don't appreciate
+your humour that proves again that we haven't any. So you'll never
+understand why it makes me smile, sometimes gently and sometimes
+rather bitterly, to think about your nation; but I'll tell you just
+the same.
+
+"In the first place, what you call 'America' is only a small fraction
+of the American continent, not even as large as British North America.
+And in the second place what you call your 'nation'--well, some rude
+person once said of it that it isn't really a nation at all, but just
+a picnic. I won't go so far as that, but I hardly suppose you will be
+much better pleased if I call it a League of Nations. That is a phrase
+that you hate, because your President WILSON loves it.
+
+"By the way, I must be very careful how I speak of your President,
+because you're so sensitive on that subject. You allow yourselves to
+abuse him as the head of a political party, but if other nations so
+much as question his omniscience he suddenly becomes the Head of
+a Sovereign State. An English Cabinet Minister once told me how an
+American gave vent in conversation to the most violent language in
+regard to the policy of the President of the day, and when at the end
+the Englishman very quietly said, 'I am inclined to agree with you,'
+the American turned on him in a fury, saying: 'Sir, I didn't come here
+to have my country insulted!'
+
+"However, to return to your League of Nations. In England (where I
+come from) they are just now reviving a play by Mr. ISRAEL ZANGWILL,
+in which, if I recall it rightly, he makes out your country to be the
+Melting Pot into which every sort of fancy alien type is thrown, and
+turned out a pattern American citizen, a member of a United Family. I
+wish I could believe it. It seems to us that your German, even after
+passing through the Melting Pot, remains a German; that your Irishman,
+however much he Americanises himself for purposes of political power
+and graft, remains an Irishman. You never seem to get together as a
+nation, except when you go to war, and even then you don't keep it
+up, for you're not together now, although you're still at war with
+Germany. The rest of the time you seem to spend in having Elections
+and 'placating' (I think that's what you call it) the German interest,
+or the negro interest, or the Sinn Fein interest.
+
+"And this brings me to the point that makes me smile most of all--when
+it doesn't make me weep. Isn't it a pathetic thing that a really great
+and strong people like you should be so weak and little as to let your
+Press sympathise blatantly with the campaign of murder in Ireland; to
+suffer that campaign to be actively assisted by American gunmen; to
+look on while it is being financed by American money, here employed in
+conjunction with the resources of that very Bolshevism which you take
+care to treat as criminal in your own country?
+
+"Isn't it pitiful that you should regard reprisals (hateful though
+they may be) as worse than the hideous murders which provoked them;
+forgetting your own addiction to lynch law; forgetting too (as some
+of our own people forget) that the sanctity of the law depends as much
+upon the goodwill and assistance of the populace as it does upon the
+police, and cannot else be maintained?
+
+"Indeed your memory is not very good. Your Monroe Doctrine, which
+insists that nobody from outside shall interfere with your affairs,
+escapes you whenever you want to interfere with other people's. You
+even forget, at convenient times, your own Civil War. Just as there
+was not a protest made by you against the methods of our blockade of
+Germany for which an answer could not be found in some precedent set
+by you in that War of North and South, so now the best answer to your
+sympathy with the preposterous claims of an Irish Republic is to be
+found in those four years in which you fought so bloodily to preserve
+the integrity of your own Union.
+
+"Yet you let men like DE VALERA go at large proclaiming the brutal
+tyranny of the alien Saxon and advertising his country as a Sovereign
+State--all because you have to 'placate' the Irish interest. I should
+very much like to hear what you would think of us if at our Elections
+we ran an Anti-You campaign and even made Intervention a plank in our
+platform (as one of your Parties did) for the sake of 'placating' the
+niggers or the Cubans or the Filipinos or any other sort of Dago in
+our midst.
+
+"Of course we are told--and of course I believe it--that the 'best'
+American sentiment is all right. But, if so, it must be cherished by a
+very select few, or they would never tolerate a condition of things so
+rotten that, unless your coming President finds some cure for it, you
+are like to become the laughing-stock of Europe. I am almost tempted
+to go into the Melting Pot myself and show you, as none but an
+American citizen would ever be allowed to show you, how it is to be
+done. Unfortunately I am too busy elsewhere, putting my own country
+right.
+
+"But to conclude--for I see that we are drawing close to the
+landing-stage--I do hope that in my desire to be genial I have not
+been too flattering. No true friend ever flatters. And in my heart,
+which has some of our common blood in it (notoriously thicker than
+water), I cannot help loving your country, and would love it better
+still if only it gave me a better chance. Indeed, I belong at home to
+a Society for the Promotion of Anglo-American Friendship. More than
+that"--and here the Sage was seen to probe into a voluminous and
+bulging breast-pocket--"I have brought with me a token of affection
+designed to stimulate a mutual cordiality."
+
+"_Not_ a flask of whisky?" exclaimed the representative of _The
+Democratic Elevator_, suddenly moved to animation.
+
+"No, not that, not that, my child," said Mr. Punch, "but something
+far, far better for you; something that gives you, among other less
+serious matter, a record of the way in which we in England, with
+private troubles of our own no easier than yours to bear, and
+exhausted with twice as many years of sacrifice in the War of Liberty
+(whose colossal effigy I have just had the pleasure to remark), still
+try to play an honourable part in that society of nations from which
+you have apparently resolved, for your better ease and comfort, to cut
+yourselves off. Be good enough to accept, in the spirit of benevolence
+in which I offer it, this copy of my
+
+ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINTH VOLUME."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Index]
+
+
+
+CARTOONS.
+
+
+PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
+  Aladdin and the Miner's Lamp      311
+  Bad for the Bull      51
+  Cap of Liberty: Le Dernier Cri      191
+  Close Corporation (A)      351
+  Economists (The)      471
+  Experts (The)      291
+  Folly of Athens (The)      411
+  German Invasion (A)       431
+  Great Repudiation (The)      231
+  "House"-Breaker (The)      151
+  If Winston Set the Fashion--      111
+  League of Youth (The)      91
+  Micawber and Son      511
+  Moral Suasion      71
+  Prince Comes Home (The)      271
+  Problem (The)       131
+  Road to Economy (The)       451
+  Salvage       251
+  Scales of Justice (The)      331
+  Session of Common Sense (A)       171
+  Shrine of Honour (The)      371
+  Snowed Under      211
+  Verdun      491
+  Worth a Trial      391
+
+RAVEN-HILL, L.
+  Abysmalists (The)      383
+  Balm for the Sick Man      423
+  Blue Ribbon of the Sea (The)      83
+  Boblet (The)      463
+  Encourage Home Industries      363
+  Evil Communications      43
+  Good Fairy Georgina (The)      503
+  Iconoclast (The)      123
+  I. O. U.      11
+  Labor Omnia Vincit      443
+  Last Straw (The)      403
+  "Lion of Lucerne (The)"       143
+  Our Parish Church      31
+  Our Village Sign      343
+  Out of the Frying-Pan      183
+  Polish Hug (The)      283
+  Prospective Jonah? (A)      263
+  Public Benefactor (The)      203
+  Real Music (The)      103
+  Resources of Civilisation (The)      303
+  Road to Ruin (The)      163
+  Sing a Song of Drachmas      483
+  Tartarin dans les Indes      243
+  Too-Free Country (A)      323
+
+REYNOLDS, FRANK
+  Under a Cloud (with a Golden Lining)      223
+
+TOWNSEND, F. H.
+  L'Enfant Terrible       3
+  Sea-view of the Situation (A)      63
+  Subject to Revision      23
+
+
+
+ARTICLES.
+
+
+ALLEN, INGLIS
+  Difference of Class (A)      208
+
+ANDERSON, MISS E. V. M.
+  Mudford Blight (The)      188
+
+ARMSTRONG, H.
+  Working for Peace      330
+
+BELL, NEIL
+  Cage (The)      349
+
+BIDDULPH, MISS VIOLET
+  In Defence of Dorothy       102
+
+BIRD, A. W.
+  Cricket Mannerism (A)      22
+  Edward and the B.O.F.      98
+  Fine Old Fruity (The)      490
+  Stuttfield and the Reds      374
+  Twenty Years On      55
+
+BLAIKLEY, MISS E. L.
+  Pamela's Alphabet      270
+
+BRETHERTON, CYRIL
+  Charivaria      weekly
+  To Isis      76
+  Vignettes of Scottish Sport      458
+
+BROWN, C. L. M.
+  Our Invincible Navy      362
+
+BROWN, HILTON
+  Blue Mountains (The)      136
+  Nimrod      195
+  Santamingoes      24
+
+BRYANT, A. W. M.
+  Kings and Queens      224
+
+BUDGEN, C. G.
+  Language for Logic (The)      422
+
+CAMERON, C. F.
+  Taxation of Virtue (The)      214
+
+CASSON, C. R.
+  Eve Victorious      466
+  Humourist (The)      488
+  Light Fantastic (The)      366
+  Word Chains      28
+
+CHALMERS, P. R.
+  Kelpie (The)      149
+  Visionary (The)      124
+
+CHANDLER, MISS B. W.
+  Coup for _The Daily Trail_ (A)      182
+  Our Pastoral      36
+
+CLARK, DUDLEY
+  Badly Synged      82
+
+CROSS, W. H.
+  Cures for Insomnia      470
+
+DARMADY, E. S.
+  Peculiar Case of Toller (The)      75
+
+DARMADY, E. S. & J.
+  Human City and Suburban (The)      184
+  Superfection Laundry (The)      342
+
+DAVIES, MISS S. M.
+  Prodigies (The)      202
+  Sources of Laughter      385
+
+DYER, A. E. R.
+  Knell of the Navy (The)      246
+  Passing of Alfred (The)      298
+
+EASTWOOD, CAPTAIN
+  Rabbits' Game (The)      144
+
+ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR
+  Squatters      105
+
+FARROW, R. S.
+  New Journalism (The)      370
+
+FAY, S. J.
+  Authorship for All      46, 66
+  Dissimulation of Suzanne      176
+  My Right-Hand Man      234
+  Sayings of Barbara (The)      388
+
+FOX-SMITH, MISS C.
+  All Sorts      46
+  Nitrates      86
+  Ship in a Bottle (A)      230
+  Yarns      390
+
+FRANKLIN, BERNARD
+  Ballad of the Early Worm (A)      265
+
+FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE
+  Check by the Queen      306
+  Consolation      264
+  Fairy Tailor (The)      482
+  Queen's Counsel      88
+  Rainy Morning      253
+  Wedding Presents      186
+
+GARLAND, A. P.
+  Patient's Library (The)      118
+  Place of the Trombone in the Band (The)      428
+  Romance of Book-making (The)      2
+  Timon      1
+
+GARSTIN, CROSBIE
+  Barrel of Beef (The)      456
+  Down Channel      77
+  Fair (The)      110
+  Letter to the Back-Blocks      324
+  Old Woman's House Rock, Scilly      213
+  Our Heavy-Waits      464
+  Reefs (The)      30
+  Spanish Ledges      237
+
+GILLMAN, W. H.
+  Counter-Irritant (The)      108
+  Headlining      318
+  Very Personal      255
+
+GOODHART, MRS. H.
+  Logs to Burn      337
+
+GRAVES, C. L.
+  Between Two Stools      226
+  British Tarpon (The)      198
+  Changes in Club-Land      130
+  Cry of the Adult Author (The)      345
+  Cures Worth Making      38
+  Fashion and Physique      210
+  Footnote to the "Bab Ballads"      408
+  From Spa and Shore      122
+  Happy Gardener (The)      398
+  Mixed Meteorological Maxims      269
+  New Utopia (The)      366
+  Our Lucky Dippers      442
+  Our Natural History Column      69
+  Prawling's Theory      316
+  Puss at the Palace      490
+  Revival of the Fittest (The)      116
+  Revival of Ollendorff      335
+  Revolt of Youth (The)      168
+  St. Cecilia of Cremona       514
+  State and the Screen (The)      50
+  To Certain Cautious Prophets      256
+  To General Oi      198
+  Tragedy of Reaction (A)      19
+  Two Studies in Musical Criticism      276
+  When and If      289
+
+GREENLAND, GEORGE
+  Miriam's Two Babies      254
+
+HARWOOD, A. C.
+  How to Build a House      176
+
+HASELDEN, PERCY
+  Old Beer Flagon (The)       358
+
+HERBERT, A. P.
+  Art of Poetry (The)      164
+  Autobiography Shocker (The)       313
+  Contemporary Folksongs        384
+  Criminal Type (A)       62
+  Euclid in Real Life      346
+  Foul Game (A)      495
+  Grasshopper (The)        42
+  Happy Hoots (The)       502
+  Heart of Mine       88
+  If They were at School      408
+  Korban Bath (The)      288
+  Little Bits of London      468
+  Little Horse (The)        26
+  Mystery (The)      126
+  Mystery of the Apple-pie Beds      268
+  New Rhymes for Old Children  186, 215, 234, 244, 295, 306, 329, 350,
+  365, 416, 426, 455, 475, 485, 510
+  On with the Dance      6
+  Private Film (The)      338
+  Seven Whitebait      206
+  Spider (The)      116
+  Thoughts on _The Times_      148
+  White Spat (The)      448
+
+HEYER, GEORGE
+  Rhymes of the Underground 95, 115, 176, 193
+
+HODGKINSON, T.
+  Best Laid Schemes (The)      66
+  Devoted Lover (The)      270
+  First Love and Last       146
+  Home from Home (A)      225
+  Love's Handicap      318
+  _Mens Conscia Mali_      106
+  Ministering Angel (The)      85
+  Note on the Drama (A)      450
+  Sartorial Tragedy (A)      398
+  Vanished Glory       7
+  Warning from the Sky (A)       513
+
+HOLMES, CAPT. W. K.
+  Ben and the Boot (The)      233
+  Territorial (The)      137
+  To James in the Bath      250
+  Victim of Fashion (A)      96
+
+HOLT, E. C.
+  Songs of an Ovalite      45
+
+JACKSON, LIEUT. GERALD, R.N.
+  Difficult Case (A)      410
+
+JAGGER, ARTHUR
+  Elfin Tennis      405
+  _Rara Avis_      182
+  Westward Ho!      169
+
+JAY, THOMAS
+  Charivaria      weekly
+  Questions      449
+
+JENKINS, ERNEST
+  Barker that Missed Fire (The)      510
+  Downing of the Pen (The)      354
+  Improving "Hansard"      434
+  My Dromedary      78
+  Premier's Metaphors (The)      386
+  Should Millionaires read Homer?      58
+  Shrimp Test (The)      253
+  Solving the Holiday Fare Problem      81
+  When Charl. comes over      18
+
+KIDD, ARTHUR
+  Another War to End War      175
+  More Secret History      326
+  Our "Promised" Land      429
+  Passing of the Cradle (The)     205
+
+KILPATRICK, MRS.
+  Elizabeth Goes on Holiday      64
+  Elizabeth Goes to the Sales       4
+  Elizabeth Outwitted      284
+  Elizabeth's Christmas      504
+  Ernest Experiments      315
+  Hard Times for Heroines      146
+
+KING, P. J.
+  Ministry for Heroes (The)      294
+
+KITCHIN, HARCOURT
+  My Rat       25
+
+KNOX, E. V.
+  About Conferences      326
+  About Golf      462
+  Coal Cup (The)      204
+  Converted Castles      48
+  D'Annunzio Dialogue (A)      406
+  George, Jane and Lenin      153
+  Gone Away!      302
+  Handy Man (The)      228
+  Harding and Cox       37
+  I remember--I remember      70
+  Maybirds      506
+  Miners' Opera (The)      262
+  More Pay for M.P.s      438
+  My Apologia      377
+  On Running Down to Brighton      190
+  Priscilla Paints       18
+  Priscilla Plays Fairies      446
+  Proof Positive      344
+  Sand Sports      170
+  September in My Garden      244
+  Squish      106
+  Taffy the Fox      486
+  Thoughts in a Cold Snap       484
+  Unauthentic Impressions       364, 382, 404, 424, 444
+  Ways and Means      68
+  Yet One More Plan for Ireland      282
+
+LAMBURN, MISS R. C.
+  Anniversary (The)      118
+  Birthday Present (The)      94
+  Strike in Fairyland (A)      356
+  Way Out of the Present Unrest      238
+
+LANGLEY, F. O.
+  Boot Mystery (The)      414
+  Conspirators (The)   248, 266, 286, 308, 328, 348
+  Genf and the League of Nations      368
+  King's Messenger (The)       8
+  Lucerne       154
+  Mountain and the Prophets (The)      476
+  Movement in the Money Market      189
+  Story about a Clock (A)      38
+
+LEWIS, M. A.
+  Tragedy in Birdland (A)      395
+  Transmigration of Bowles (The)      128
+  _Vade Mecums_      96
+
+LEYS, MISS H. M.
+  Flowers' Names  57, 78, 90, 104, 122, 145, 198, 206, 229, 273, 298
+
+LOCKER, W. A.
+  Essence of Parliament     weekly during Session
+
+LUCAS, E. V.
+  Among the Pedestals      122
+  Brown Lady (The)      430
+  Buckler's      76
+  Cabman and the Coin (The)     246
+  Cynosure (The)      397
+  Dining Gladiator (The)    304, 322
+  Down-our-Court Circular      117
+  End of the Season (The)      194
+  For Ourselves Alone      296
+  Honours Easy      274
+  If We All Took to Margotry      142
+  Letters I never Post (The)      416
+  Letters I never Posted       508
+  More Margobiography      102
+  Mother-in-law Mystery (The)      376
+  Other Half (The)      476
+  Philosophers      22
+  Points of View      56
+  Privileges of Margotism (The)      166
+  Ring in the Old      358
+  Succulent Comedians (The)      84
+  "Suggestions"      496
+  That Tea Interval      216
+  Three Exceptional Men      15
+  Wire and Barbed Wire      226
+
+MARTIN, N. R.
+  Sniper (The)      406
+  Tips for Uncles      49
+
+MAY, H. R. D.
+  Whiff of the Briny (A)      162
+
+MORRISON, A. C. L.
+  Language Difficulty (The)      218
+
+NORRISS, CECIL
+  Charivaria      weekly
+
+NOTT-BOWER, W. G.
+  "G.B.R.L."      435
+
+OGILVIE, W. H.
+  Opening Run (The)      357
+
+PENNEY, F. G.
+  To a Clerical Golfing Friend      455
+
+PHELPS, S. K.
+  Ministry of Ancestry (The)      222
+  Pigs      258
+
+PLATT, F. W.
+  Wail of the Wasp (The)      238
+
+PLUMBE, C. C.
+  Roses all the Way      86
+
+PRESTON-TEWART, A.
+  Bridge Conventions      242
+
+RICHARDSON, R. J.
+  Cubbin' thro' the Rye      266
+  Headgear for Heroes      229
+  Room at the Back (The)      174
+  Scene at the Club (A)      74
+
+RIGBY, REGINALD
+  Great Idea (The)      394
+  Little Moa (The)      265
+  Piglets      56
+  Prone      149
+  What to do with our Boys      136
+
+SALVIDGE, STANLEY
+  Belles of the Ball      402
+
+SEAMAN, OWEN
+  Apology to the Bench (An)      142
+  Ashes (The)      222
+  As We See Others      517
+  At the Play   158, 196, 236, 256, 275, 336, 378, 418, 514
+  "Christmas Spirit (The)"      482
+  Dark Ages (The)      442
+  Doggerel      202
+  Falling Prices      302
+  How to Vitalise the Drama      382
+  Lessons from Nature      262
+  Michaelmas and the Goose      242
+  Mr. Smillie's Little Armageddon      162
+  Poet-Laureate and his German Friends (The)      342
+  Standard Golf-Ball (The)      422
+  To the Lion of Lucerne      462
+  To our Play-Makers      282
+  Unknown Warrior (The)      370
+
+SILSBY, MISS E.
+  Late Worm (The)      322
+
+SMITH, E. A.
+  One Touch of Dickens      436
+
+SPENDER, MISS B. E.
+  Unlikely Story (An)      438
+
+STUART, MISS D. M.
+  Before the Cenotaph      362
+  Chantry (The)      298
+
+TAYLOR, S. J.
+  To a Maker of Pills      150
+
+THORNHILL, J. F. P.
+  Beau Brimacombe      396
+
+THORP, JOSEPH
+  At the Play   44, 125, 276, 456
+
+TROTTER, MRS. A. F.
+  Moon-Seller (The)      216
+
+WESTBROOK, H. W.
+  Beginner (The)      109
+
+WHITAKER, V.
+  Nocturne       58
+
+WHITE, E. P.
+  Another Garden of Allah      108
+  Goldwire and Poppyseed      9
+  Racing as a Business      426
+  _Si Jeunesse Savait_      310
+  Taste of Authority (A)      138
+  "To Him that hath ..."      156
+  Vacillating Policy (A)      398
+
+WHITE, R. F.
+  Increased Output      402
+  Type-Slinger (The)      334
+
+WHITMARSH, F. J.
+  Guide to Greatness (A)      330
+  Peerless Provincial (The)      297
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+PICTURES AND SKETCHES.
+
+
+ARMOUR, G. D., 159, 215, 233, 248, 279, 295, 339, 379, 419, 439, 459,
+479, 513
+
+BATEMAN, H. M., 16, 17, 35, 187, 257, 267
+
+BAUMER, LEWIS, 119, 190, 207, 224, 250, 270, 330, 390, 430, 450, 490,
+510
+
+BELCHER, GEORGE, 75, 97
+
+BIRD, W., 40, 61, 161, 177, 308, 417, 435, 461
+
+BROCK, H. M., 9, 57, 89, 109, 297, 364, 415
+
+BROOK, RICARDO, 300
+
+COTTRELL, TOM, 169, 474
+
+CURRY, J. R., 280
+
+DOWD, J. H., 28, 100, 148, 160, 168, 178, 181, 188, 241, 261, 361,
+428, 501
+
+EARNSHAW, HAROLD, 341, 345
+
+"FOUGASSE", 27, 47, 87, 101, 121, 154, 227, 277, 287, 317, 369, 407,
+447, 477, 487, 500
+
+FRASER, PETER, 105, 221, 268, 288, 328, 399, 420
+
+GAMMON, REGINALD, 139, 209
+
+GARSTIN, CROSBIE, 21
+
+GHILCHIK, D. L., 41, 218
+
+GRAVE, CHARLES, 19, 25, 99, 125, 204, 249, 293, 395, 465
+
+HARRISON, CHARLES, 356, 376, 499
+
+HASELDEN, W. K., 276, 336, 418, 456
+
+HENRY, THOMAS, 48, 488
+
+JENNIS, G., 77, 144, 259, 316, 337, 359
+
+LLEWELLYN, MAJOR W., 498
+
+LLOYD, A. W., 13, 33, 34, 53, 54, 73, 74, 93, 94, 113, 133, 134, 333,
+353, 354, 373, 374, 393, 413, 414, 433, 434, 453, 473, 493, 512
+
+MARTIN, L. B., 114
+
+MILLS, A. WALLIS, 30, 45, 70, 127, 153, 164, 210, 278, 289, 315, 335,
+355, 377, 409, 424, 457, 475, 485, 504
+
+MORELAND, ARTHUR, 141, 174, 201, 319, 394
+
+MORRISON, J., 138
+
+MORROW, EDWIN, 388
+
+MORROW, GEORGE, 60, 80, 120, 140, 180, 195, 220, 237, 260, 273, 320,
+340, 360, 380, 400, 410, 440, 460, 480, 495, 516
+
+NORRIS, ARTHUR, 68, 348, 397
+
+OWEN, WILL, 385
+
+PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1
+
+PETT, NORMAN, 20, 36, 98, 228, 258, 301, 421, 446
+
+PRANCE, BERTRAM, 79, 117, 137, 299, 436, 468
+
+RAVEN-HILL, L., 37, 55, 95, 189, 253, 269, 334, 396, 478, 497, 518
+
+REYNOLDS, FRANK, 4, 24, 44, 64, 84, 104, 124, 157, 158, 170, 184, 194,
+196, 213, 236, 239, 244, 275, 284, 304, 327, 344, 367, 389, 404, 427,
+444, 464, 484, 509
+
+RIDGEWELL, W. L., 14, 128
+
+ROWNTREE, HARRY, 149
+
+SHEPARD, E. H., 10, 107, 130, 167, 197, 234, 254, 264, 455, 515
+
+SHEPHERD, J. A., 217
+
+SHEPPERSON, C. A., 67, 147, 247, 347, 469, 507
+
+SIMMONS, GRAHAM, 173
+
+SMITH, A. T., 50, 135, 145, 179, 240, 294, 313, 357, 368, 375
+
+SPEED, LANCELOT, 78, 235, 305
+
+STAMPA, G. L., 15, 29, 59, 85, 155, 175, 199, 219, 229, 274, 307, 329,
+350, 365, 387, 425, 454, 467, 489
+
+TERRY, STAN, 81, 200, 208, 281, 321, 381, 401, 441
+
+THOMAS, BERT, 7, 69, 115, 185, 214, 225, 255, 285, 309, 324, 405, 494,
+505
+
+THORP, J. H., 296, 314, 429
+
+TOWNSEND, F. H., 5, 39, 49, 65, 90, 110, 129, 150, 165, 193, 205, 230,
+245, 265, 290, 310, 325, 349, 370, 384, 408, 437, 449, 470, 506
+
+WOOD, STARR, 445
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+159, December 29, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 20334-8.txt or 20334-8.zip *****
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159,
+December 29, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, December 29, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 11, 2007 [EBook #20334]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 159.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>29th December, 1920.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page501" id="page501"></a>[pg 501]</span>
+
+
+<h4>CHARIVARIA.</h4>
+
+<p>No newspapers were published on
+Saturday, Sunday or Monday. We did
+not begrudge them their holiday, but
+we do think <i>The Daily Mail</i> might have
+issued occasional bulletins respecting
+the weather at Thanet, as we consider
+three days is too long to keep their
+readers in suspense.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The most popular indoor game this
+winter seems to be Battledore-and-Juttlecock.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A woman informed a London magistrate
+last Tuesday that her husband
+thrashed her at Easter, Whitsuntide
+and on August Bank
+Holiday. Our thoughts
+were constantly with
+her during the recent
+Yuletide festivities.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Readers should not
+be alarmed if a curious
+rustling noise is heard
+next Saturday morning.
+It will be simply the
+sound of new leaves being
+turned over.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In view of the possible
+increase of their
+salaries it is not the
+intention of Members
+of Parliament to solicit
+Christmas-boxes.
+Householders, therefore,
+should be on their
+guard against men passing
+themselves off as
+M.P.s.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Our attention is drawn
+to the fact that the latest
+photograph of Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>
+shows him to be smoking a cigar with
+the band on. We can only say that
+<span class="sc">Cromwell</span> wouldn't have done it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Our magistrates appear to be made
+of poor stuff these days. A man named
+<span class="sc">Snail</span> was last week summoned before
+the Feltham magistrates for exceeding
+the speed limit, yet no official joke was
+made. Incidentally, why is it that
+Mr. Justice <span class="sc">Darling</span> never gets a real
+chance like this?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A New York policeman has been
+arrested in the act of removing a safe
+from a large drapery store. It is said
+that upon being seen by another policeman
+he offered to run and fetch a burglar.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mme. <span class="sc">Delysia</span> has been bitten by a
+dog in New York. The owner's defence,
+that the animal had never tasted
+famous dancer before, is not likely to be
+accepted.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Like a soothing balm just before the
+old year dies comes the intimation from
+Mr. <span class="sc">Lovat Fraser</span> that there is a bright
+side to things.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>With reference to the opening of the
+pantomime season it is reported that
+a couple of new jokes have been found
+nesting in a Glasgow theatre.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Psychologists are inclined to attribute
+the recent night stampede of sheep in
+the Midlands, when thousands of them
+jumped their hurdles, to the influence
+of a large number of people concentrating
+on a well-known remedy for sleeplessness.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is stated that rabies does not
+exist in Ireland. Our opinion is that
+it wouldn't be noticed if it did.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Very few English Christmas customs,
+we hear, are prevalent out in Russia.
+We have always felt that the custom of
+clients giving Christmas-boxes to their
+executioners will never become very
+popular.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is rumoured that the repeated
+assassinations of General <span class="sc">Villa</span> have
+made it necessary for him to resign his
+position as Permanent Chief Insurgent
+to the State of Mexico.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>The Morning Post</i> has remarked that
+nowadays the Eton boy is often reduced
+to travelling third-class. It is hoped to
+persuade Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> to disguise
+himself as an Eton boy during the holidays
+to see how it feels.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is now admitted that the plum-pudding
+which was badly mauled by a
+small boy in the Hoxton district on
+Christmas Day began it by inviting his
+assailant to "come on."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">D'Annunzio</span> is reported to be coming
+to a more reasonable frame of mind.
+Apparently he is disposed to allow Italy
+a certain measure of independence.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>People step out into the road and
+never look to right or left, says a London
+coroner. This makes things far too
+easy for motorists.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Dr. <span class="sc">A. Graham Bell</span>
+recently told a Derby
+audience how he invented
+the telephone.
+We note that he still
+refuses to say why.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are informed that,
+on and after the 1st of
+January, Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span>
+cannot undertake
+to refute the opinions
+of any writer who has
+not been officially recognised
+as a best seller.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A scientist has succeeded
+in putting a pea
+to sleep with electro-magnetism.
+The clumsy
+old method of drowning
+it in a plate of soup
+should now be a thing
+of the past.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>General <span class="sc">Townshend</span>
+says that with seventy thousand men
+he could have conquered half Asia.
+But then he might have lost Mr.
+<span class="sc">Horatio Bottomley</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>What we want now is something to
+make the world safe for those who made
+the world safe for democracy.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There is now on the market a new
+patent contrivance which gives warning
+when the contents of an oven are on
+the point of burning. We have secured
+a sample, but unfortunately our cook
+still relies on her sense of smell.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Leather is now much cheaper," we
+read. Yet we have noticed no drop in
+the price of restaurant steak.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>On January 1st the Ministry of Munitions
+will enter upon its second year
+of winding up.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/501.png"><img src="images/501-600.png" width="600" height="460" alt="OUR GOGGLERS." /></a>
+<h4>OUR GOGGLERS.</h4>
+<p class="center"><i>First Girl in grandmotherly spectacles (to second ditto).</i> "<span class="sc">How
+frightfully
+out of date that woman is. Fancy&mdash;lorgnettes</span>!"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page502" id="page502"></a>[pg 502]</span>
+
+<h3>THE HAPPY HOOTS.</h3>
+
+<p>Yes, it is nearly twelve now. In
+ten minutes we shall hear the bells&mdash;I
+mean the hooters. I wonder if there
+were hooters when <span class="sc">Tennyson</span> wrote
+those popular lines about ringing in the
+New Year. Very likely he didn't hear
+them if there were, as there's nothing
+to show that he ever really stayed up
+late enough to see the New Year in.
+It's a pity, because the hooters would
+have fitted in to that poem most beautifully.
+The hooting idea is just what is
+wanted to give a dramatic contrast to
+the sugary ringing business.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Ring out the false, ring in the true"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>doesn't <i>convince</i> somehow; it's too
+impartial. One doesn't say to the footman,
+"Show the Rector up, please, and
+show this blackmailer out," even at the
+Lyceum. One says, "<i>Kick</i> this black-hearted
+hound out," and the footman
+realises then that you have something
+against the fellow. Just so one doesn't
+gather from the above line that the
+poet has any strong preference as between
+the false and the true, except
+that there is no good rhyme to "the
+false," unless you can count "waltz";
+but what about&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Hoot</i> out the old, ring in the new;</p>
+<p><i>Hoot</i> out the false, ring in the true?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Magnificent! There's some sting in
+that; it "gets over," and it brings the
+whole poem into harmony with modern
+practice.</p>
+
+<p>Come on, we'd better have another
+dance before the great moment. I
+wonder if <span class="sc">Tennyson</span> ever saw the New
+Year in at two guineas a head. I don't
+expect so. For that matter it's the
+first time we've done it at an expensive
+public "Revel" ourselves; but then
+this is the first year we've been absolutely
+bankrupt. Up till now we've
+been rather well off, and have celebrated
+cheaply at home. Do you realise
+that this is our wedding-day? I believe
+you'd forgotten; women never
+remember these things. Yes, it's six
+years ... Six years. And this is the
+first year we've been bankrupt. All
+the same, as I say, it's the first year
+we've come out and had a jolly good
+supper. Reckless? Yes, I'm afraid
+we are. But we've caught it from the
+Government ... However, to-morrow
+we'll start a new cheque-book.</p>
+
+<p>Have you made your resolutions yet?
+I have. Do you remember this time
+last year? You said you'd keep accounts,
+and I said I wouldn't smoke so
+much. And all the year through our
+resolution has never wavered. I've got
+evidence of that. Look at my diary.
+Here we are:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>January 1st.</i>&mdash;G. started keeping accounts.
+Gave up smoking.</p>
+
+<p>And here we are again:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>March 20th.</i>&mdash;G. started accounts.</p>
+
+<p style="margin-top: -1em;"><i>March 29th.</i>&mdash;Knocked off smoking.</p>
+
+<p>That shows it was no mere flash-in-the-pan,
+doesn't it?</p>
+
+<p>And we <i>went on</i> like that. Look at
+this:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>June 6th.</i>&mdash;Gave up smoking.</p>
+
+<p style="margin-top: -1em;"><i>June 7th.</i>&mdash;Only one pipe since yesterday.</p>
+
+<p style="margin-top: -1em;"><i>June 30th.</i>&mdash;Cut myself down to four
+pipes a day.</p>
+
+<p style="margin-top: -1em;"><i>July 1st-9th.</i>&mdash;G. keeping accounts;
+knocked off smoking.</p>
+
+<p>But I wonder why I kept writing it
+down. Even in September, you see, I
+wasn't taking it for granted:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>September 29th.</i>&mdash;Quarter-Day. Not
+smoking this quarter. G. began new
+system of accounts.</p>
+
+<p>It looks like bragging, doesn't it?
+But I don't think I can have meant it
+that way. Still, it is rather marvellous,
+when you come to think of it&mdash;here we
+are, after all these months, twelve of
+them, and we still stick doggedly to
+the same unswerving resolution. Nothing
+can alter it. That's what I call
+tenacity of purpose.</p>
+
+<p>You don't think I'm serious? But
+I am. I'm just as serious as I was
+last year. This year I <i>shall</i> give up
+smoking. Only I think you ought to
+give up your hot-water bottle in sympathy.
+You won't? No, I know you
+won't. You're a slave of the bottle,
+you see. It doesn't do you any harm?
+Oh, yes it does. It makes your backbone
+flabby, and it makes you susceptible
+to colds, and it gives you chilblains,
+and, anyhow, it's morally pernicious,
+because it's an <i>indulgence</i> ... If I'd
+known you were a hot-water-bottle
+woman before we were married ...
+However, we needn't go into that. But
+if you won't give up your bottle I
+shan't give up smoking after all.</p>
+
+<p>Look, they're opening the windows.
+We shall all catch cold. Can you hear
+anything? I can hear those people
+eating. What a draught! Can you
+hear anything? I can hear the eaters
+quite plainly now. Here comes Father
+Christmas. I believe he is going to
+give us all gifts.</p>
+
+<p>Can you hear anything yet? I have
+been given a diary. What have you
+got? Another diary? Is yours for
+1921? So is mine. How dull! Christmas
+will be on a Sunday next year, I
+see. So will our wedding-day. I hope
+you'll remember it this time. And
+they have arranged for the Spring to
+begin on March 21st. Think of it!
+Spring&mdash;in less than three months!</p>
+
+<p>There they go.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Hoot out, wild hooters, to the wild sky!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>What a jolly noise! Much better than
+bells, really much more accurate as an expression
+of one's feelings. There's a sort
+of "faint but pursuing" note about it.
+And that's how I feel, rather. It was
+a dreadful year, really, wasn't it?&mdash;that
+last one, I mean. No money, no
+clothes&mdash;nothing but rates and dentists
+and small accounts respectfully submitted
+for our esteemed favour. One
+long crisis.... But we kept the flag
+flying. This year&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Hallo! somebody 's going to recite.
+What do you think it will be? You'll
+never guess. Yes, you're quite right.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Ring out a slowly-dying cause</p>
+<p>And ancient forms of party strife.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>That sounds like a bit of Government
+propaganda. Disgraceful, I call it. If
+I was a Wee Free&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Ring in the nobler modes of life,</p>
+<p>With sweeter manners&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>That's a hit at somebody, too, I
+shouldn't wonder. Somebody must have
+written a topical verse for the occasion.
+Those people are still eating. I expect
+they are doing Hog-money, or whatever
+it is....</p>
+
+<p>Are you still as obstinate as ever
+about that hot-water bottle? Very well,
+then, I shall now have the first smoke
+of the New Year. Oh, no; we 've got
+to do <i>Auld Lang Syne</i> first. I never
+<i>can</i> smoke while I'm singing.</p>
+
+<p>"Should auld acquaintance ..."
+Do you know any of the people here?
+No? Do you ever want to see any of
+them again? No? Never mind, they've
+all paid a lot of money to hold our
+hands; let them have their money's
+worth ... "A right gude willie-waucht
+..." Waiter! One large willie-waucht,
+please, and a small pint stoup ... Do
+you realise that this is the only night
+in the year when you can get a willie-waucht
+at this hour? What a world!</p>
+
+<p>Six years. Do you see that nice
+couple over there? I bet they haven't
+been married as long as we have. And
+I bet they're not so bankrupt. This is
+going to be a dreadful year. I can see
+that at once. But we'll keep the flag
+flying.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, here come the willie-wauchts.
+Thank you, waiter.</p>
+
+<p>Well, my dear&mdash;a cup of kindness
+with you. Here's luck!</p>
+<p class="author">A. P. H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Natural History on the Football Field.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"St. Columb's Court and North-End met at
+The Farm, when St. Columb's Court were the
+victors by three goats to one."</p>
+<p class="author">&mdash;<i>Irish Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Harry &mdash;&mdash; (19), described as a comedian,
+was bound over in &pound;5 for six months under
+the rug, the property of Hilda &mdash;&mdash;."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It seems that <span class="sc">Harry</span> was not the only
+comedian in court.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page503" id="page503"></a>[pg 503]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/503.png"><img src="images/503-372.png" width="372" height="450" alt="A BOXING NIGHTMARE." /></a>
+<h4>A BOXING NIGHTMARE.</h4>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Good Fairy Georgina.</span> "I WAVE MY WAND&mdash;UTOPIA DOTH APPEAR ...</p>
+<p class="center" style="margin-left: 10em;">(<i>extemporising</i>) SOMETHING'S GONE WRONG. O DEAR! O DEAR! O DEAR!"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page504" id="page504"></a>[pg 504]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/504.png"><img src="images/504-600.png" width="600" height="406" alt="'The hounds meet on the lawn to-morrow, my dear.'" /></a>
+<p class="center"><i>Post-War Sportsman</i>. "<span class="sc">The hounds meet on the lawn
+to-morrow, my dear. We must give them a stirrup-cup.</span>"</p>
+<p class="center"><i>Wife.</i> "<span class="sc">I hope the chef knows how to make it. If not I suppose
+claret-cup would do</span>?"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ELIZABETH'S CHRISTMAS.</h3>
+
+<p>"I've always thort 'ow I'd love to
+'ave a reel nice Christmas," remarked
+Elizabeth&mdash;"a jolly proper kind o' one,
+you know, 'm."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you find Christmas a pleasant
+time, then?" I inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see, 'm, I bin in service
+ever since I was turned fifteen, an' you
+know wot Christmas in service is. An
+extry tip, I will say, but a lot of extry
+work to go along with it&mdash;and wot
+washin' up! Some'ow it orl seems so
+different in books an' on the pictures."</p>
+
+<p>She sighed as she spoke and a look
+that was almost human crept into the
+arid region of her countenance. A
+feeling of compunction swept over me.
+Was it possible that this poor simple
+girl concealed depths of conviviality in
+her nature and a genial disposition
+which I, in common with all her former
+employers, had carelessly overlooked?
+I will admit that this unexpected phase
+in Elizabeth's character touched and
+interested me.</p>
+
+<p>"Elizabeth," I cried in a sudden glow
+of enthusiasm, "you shall have your
+jolly Christmas&mdash;I will provide it. You
+shall have your turkey, plum-pudding,
+mince-pies, crackers, mistletoe and all
+the rest of it." <i>Cheeryble</i> in his most
+beneficent mood could not have felt
+more expansive than I did just then.
+"You can invite your friends; we shall
+not be at home, so you will have the
+place to yourself."</p>
+
+<p>"Lor!" she ejaculated. "D'ye reerly
+mean it, 'm?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do, Elizabeth. Let me know the
+sort of Christmas you've always longed
+for and I'll see that you get it."</p>
+
+<p>She drew up her lank form and her
+face shone. "Well, 'm, I don't know
+where you get 'em, but for one thing
+I've often thort as 'ow I'd like to 'ave
+a festlebord."</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" I asked, puzzled.
+"Is it in the Stores' list?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know, 'm, but there's always
+a lot about it in the books. When
+the Squire's son comes 'ome repentant
+at Christmas-tide they always gathers
+round a festlebord and rejoices."</p>
+
+<p>I began to see light. "You mean a
+'festal board'?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's wot I sed, 'm."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you shall have one, Elizabeth,
+I'll see to that. I'd let you have a
+Squire's son as well, but unfortunately
+the only ones I know are not repentant&mdash;as
+yet. And now tell me which of
+your friends you would like to invite."</p>
+
+<p>"There's my sister-in-lor 'ud like to
+come&mdash;'er that I 'aven't been on speakin'
+terms with for five years&mdash;but she
+shan't. An' my friend isn't comin'; I'll
+see to that arter the things she sed
+about me to my young man's cousin&mdash;sorcy
+baggage! As for my two aunts
+they don't set foot under the same roof
+as me arter the way&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind about the people you're
+not inviting," I broke in; "we don't
+need a list of them. Who do you want
+to come?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, there's Mrs. Spurge, the
+char&mdash;a real nice lady, as you know,
+'m. Then I'd like to arsk Polly, the
+sister of the cook wot lives in the 'ouse
+at the corner with red 'air; an' there's
+Mary Baxter. An' isn't it lucky my
+sailor-brother will be 'ome for the first
+time in ten years? Can 'e come too,
+'m? 'E's been round the world twice."</p>
+
+<p>"In that case, Elizabeth, he certainly
+ought to be invited. He may even have
+returned home repentant, so you will
+be able to rejoice at the festal board in
+proper style."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, 'm, isn't it luverly? I won't
+'arf have a beano this Christmas. Wot
+a time we'll 'ave, <i>wot</i> a time!"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>For my part I did not pass a very
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page505" id="page505"></a>[pg 505]</span>
+blithesome Christmas. Henry's aunt,
+who invited us, is rich, but she is also
+dull, and several times I found myself
+rather envying Elizabeth. While Aunt
+Jane nodded in her chair, Henry and
+I pictured those boisterous revels of
+Elizabeth and her friends, their boundless
+mirth, their unrestrained gaiety.
+We imagined them too gathered round
+the sailor-brother, listening with rapt
+delight as he told them stories of the
+far-off wonder-lands he had known.
+Henry sighed then and said there were
+times when he envied the so-called
+lower classes their capacity for enjoyment.</p>
+
+<p>When we returned home Elizabeth
+greeted us with beaming countenance.
+"I 'ope you 'ad a good time," she said;
+"I know <i>I</i> 'ad."</p>
+
+<p>"Then it really was as nice as you
+thought it would be, Elizabeth?"</p>
+
+<p>"It was first-rate, 'm. Leastways
+orl went well until arter dinner, when
+we begins chippin' each other and ends
+in 'avin' a few words. My sailor-brother
+started it by chaffin' Polly
+about 'er red 'air an' arskin' why she
+didn't cut it orf, an' she told 'im then
+that if 'e'd such an objection to red she
+wondered 'e didn't cut 'is own nose orf.
+Arter that one thing led to another; we
+took sides an'&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Elizabeth, you don't mean to
+say you quarrelled?" I interrupted sorrowfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no, it wasn't quarrellin', 'm&mdash;just
+bargin', you know. Any'ow it
+ended in Polly an' Mary an' my brother
+goin' off early. I was chilly to Mrs.
+Spurge owin' to 'er 'avin' said that she
+didn't believe my sailor-brother 'd ever
+been further than Wapping in a coal-barge.
+I shouldn't 'ave spoke to 'er
+again that evenin' if the book 'adn't
+brought us together again friendly,
+like."</p>
+
+<p>"What book?" I asked, bewildered.</p>
+
+<p>"One of yours that I got out of the
+study, 'm. Oh, <i>wot</i> a book! Sorter
+ghost story in a manner o' speakin'. I
+laughed an' I cried over it, turn about.
+So did Mrs. Spurge. You see we read
+bits out to each other&mdash;kep it up till
+three o'clock in the mornin', we did.
+It was luverly!"</p>
+
+<p>"And what was the book called?" I
+inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"It's called <i>A Christmas Car'l</i>, 'm,
+by Mr. <span class="sc">Dickings</span>. Why didn't nobody
+tell me about it afore? It's far
+better 'n the pictures. 'Just like
+'eaven,' Mrs. Spurge said."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself,
+Elizabeth."</p>
+
+<p>"It's the 'appiest Christmas I ever
+'ad, 'm. That there Mr. Dickings is
+a one! 'E do know wot's wot in festlebords."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/505.png"><img src="images/505-300.png" width="300" height="453" alt="I says, 'You've nobbut to lie awake. I've got to lie awake an' corf.'" /></a>
+<p class="center"><i>Patient</i>. "<span class="sc">My missis sent me fur a bottle o' medicine
+fur me corf. She says it keeps her awake o' nights. I says, 'You've nobbut to lie awake. I've
+got to lie awake an' corf</span>.'"</p>
+
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HOW, WHY AND WHAT.</h3>
+
+<p><i>(Being the Tragedy of the Conscientious
+Inquirer who fell among Philistines.)</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There was an old man who said, "How</p>
+<p>Can I link the To-Be with the Now?"</p>
+<p class="i6"> But they said, "Poor old thing!</p>
+<p class="i6"> You've been reading Dean <span class="sc">Inge</span>,</p>
+<p>And you're <i>not</i> high enough in the brow."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But in spite of this check he said, "Why</p>
+<p>Is my Ego the same as my I?"</p>
+<p class="i6"> So they put him to bed</p>
+<p class="i6"> And placed ice on his head</p>
+<p>till the cerebral storm had passed by.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Now I'm told he is asking them, "What</p>
+<p>Use has psycho-analysis got?"</p>
+<p class="i6"> And they answer, "N.E.</p>
+<p class="i6"> If you're not an M.D.,</p>
+<p>Or a novelist minus a plot."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A cargo of 800 German pianos arrived at
+the Tyne from Hamburg on Saturday."</p>
+
+
+<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Another key industry in danger.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page506" id="page506"></a>[pg 506]</span>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/506.png"><img src="images/506-600.png" width="600" height="351" alt="UNFINISHED DRAWING FOR 'PUNCH' BY THE LATE F. H. TOWNSEND." border="0" /></a>
+<h4>UNFINISHED DRAWING FOR "PUNCH" BY THE LATE F. H. TOWNSEND.</h4>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">The figure of the little girl was sketched on the morning of his death. The
+legend which this picture was to
+illustrate is not known</span>.</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h3>MAYBIRDS.</h3>
+
+<p>I can see some justification for keeping
+peacocks, especially if you have
+shaven lawns and terraces and sundials,
+though sundials, I imagine, are
+rather a nuisance now-a-days, because
+of the trouble of having them reset for
+summer and winter time. Peacocks at
+any rate are beautiful, and, if their voices
+are apt in England to become a little
+hoarse, that is only because they screech
+when the weather is going to be bad.</p>
+
+<p>The pheasant is also a useful and
+beautiful fowl. One may put down
+bread-crumbs to attract the pheasant
+to one's garden when he is alive, or to
+one's plate when he is dead.</p>
+
+<p>But I can see no justification whatever
+for keeping maybirds, for they
+are neither useful nor beautiful. Perhaps
+you do not know what a maybird
+is. I have five maybirds. I have them
+because people here would keep saying
+to me, "Look at the price of fresh eggs,
+and how much nicer it is to have your
+own." It is a curious thing about the
+country that people are always giving
+one disinterested advice in the matter
+of domestic economy. In London it is
+different. In London people let you
+take a twopenny bus ticket to Westminster
+instead of walking across the
+Park, and go to ruin in your own sweet
+way. They rather admire your dash.
+But in the country they tell you about
+these things.</p>
+
+<p>So I went to a man and confessed to
+him my trouble about fresh eggs.</p>
+
+<p>"I see," he said; "you want maybirds."</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't," I said; "I want hens."</p>
+
+<p>"It's the same thing," he told me.
+"How many would you like?"</p>
+
+<p>"Five," I said. I thought five would
+be an unostentatious number and make
+it clear that I was not trying to compete
+with the wholesale egg-dealers.</p>
+
+<p>He segregated five maybirds and explained
+their points to me.</p>
+
+<p>It appeared that one of them was a
+Buff Orpington and three were white
+Wyandottes and one had no particular
+politics. I should say now that it was
+an Independent. It has speckles and is
+the one that keeps getting into the
+garden.</p>
+
+<p>I asked him when the creatures
+would begin to enter upon their new
+duties, and he said they would do so at
+once.</p>
+
+<p>"What is their maximum egg-laying
+velocity?" I inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"They'll lay about three eggs a day
+between them," he said, "these five
+birds."</p>
+
+<p>"Why between them?" I enquired.
+But I consented to buy his birds, and
+he said if I liked he would run round
+to my garden at once and run up a hen-house
+and a hen-run for me. "Run"
+seemed rather a word with him.</p>
+
+<p>I said, "Yes, by all means."</p>
+
+<p>He came round that evening and
+hewed down an apple-tree under the
+light of the moon to make room for
+the maybird-run, and in the morning
+he brought a large roll of wire-netting,
+and the next day he built a wooden
+house, and the day after that he brought
+his five maybirds, and the day after
+that he came round and asked for some
+cinders. He sprinkled these all over
+the enclosure, and I watched him while
+he worked.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that for?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"They want something to scratch in
+when they run about," he explained.
+"Exercise is what they need."</p>
+
+<p>"They seem to be scratching already,
+but they don't seem to be running," I
+said. "Wouldn't it have been better
+to put a cinder-track all round the
+edge and train them to run races round
+it?"</p>
+
+<p>He said that he hadn't thought of
+that, but I could try it if I liked. Then
+he gave me a bag of food, which he
+said was particularly efficacious for
+maybirds, and produced his bill.</p>
+
+<p>All this happened about a month ago,
+and for the last four weeks the principal
+preoccupation of my household
+has been the feeding of these five birds.
+I have had to lay a gravel-path from
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page507" id="page507"></a>[pg 507]</span>
+the aviary to the back premises in order
+to sustain the weight of the traffic.
+Huge bowls of hot food are constantly
+being mixed and carried to them, without
+any apparent consciousness on their
+part of their reciprocal responsibilities.
+What I mean to say is that there are
+no eggs. The food which they eat resembles
+Christmas-pudding at the time
+when it is stirred, and I have suggested
+that a sixpence should be concealed in
+it every now and then&mdash;sixpence being
+apparently the current price of an egg&mdash;in
+order to indicate the nature of
+our hopes.</p>
+
+<p>I have made other valuable suggestions.
+I have suggested putting an
+anthracite stove in their sitting-room,
+and papering the walls with illustrations
+representing various methods of mass
+production, ordinary methods having
+failed. I notice that cabbages are suspended
+by a string across the top of the
+parade-ground in order that the birds
+may obtain exercise by springing at
+them. The cabbages are eaten, but I
+do not believe that the birds jump. I
+believe that they clamber up the wire
+with their claws, walk along the tight-rope
+and bite the cabbage off with their
+teeth.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes, as I think I have mentioned,
+the one with speckles escapes
+into the garden, and I have several
+times been asked to chase it home.
+Nothing makes one look more ridiculous
+than chasing an independent maybird of
+no particular views across an onion bed.
+The rest of the animals appear to spend
+most of their time in walking about the
+run with their hands in their pockets
+looking for things on the ground.</p>
+
+<p>But every now and then one or other
+of them makes the loud cry which is
+usually associated with successful egg-production;
+the whole household troops
+beaming with anticipation along the
+gravel-path; and it is then discovered
+that the Buff has knocked one of the
+Whites off her perch, or that one of
+the Whites has scratched a cinder on
+which the Buff had set her eye, or that
+the Independent member has made a
+bitter speech which is deeply resented
+by the Coalition. But there are no
+eggs.</p>
+
+<p>About a week ago the corn which
+apparently forms a part of the necessary
+nourishment of maybirds, and is
+kept in an outhouse, was attacked by
+rats. I was told that I must do something
+about this. I buttered some
+slices of bread with arsenic and laid
+them down on the outhouse floor. The
+rats ate the bread and arsenic and went
+on with the corn. Unless a great improvement
+is manifested in the New
+Year I have decided to butter the maybirds
+with arsenic and place them in
+the outhouse too.</p>
+<p class="author">
+<span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/507.png"><img src="images/507-600.png" width="600" height="432" alt="Nurse. 'Little gentlemen, Master Eric, leave the last mince-pie to their sisters.'" /></a>
+<p><i>Nurse.</i> "<span class="sc">Little gentlemen, Master Eric, leave the last mince-pie to their sisters</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Generous Little Girl.</i> "<span class="sc">O Nurse, do let him be a little cad.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Cyclone in the Channel Islands.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">
+"Meteorological Notes.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">Harbour Office, Jersey.</p>
+<p class="ind">
+Wind&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;-&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;E.W.E.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;-&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Strong Breeze."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Jersey Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"To get away, the man must have jumped
+from a height of about ten feet to the ground,
+then across a garden, and over a wall about
+eight feet high into a laneway."</p>
+<p class="author">&mdash;<i>Irish Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Some "lep," as they say in Ireland.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"In the House of Lords on Saturday, the
+expiring Lords Continuance Bill [was] read
+a third time and passed."</p>
+<p class="author">&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Trust the Peers for looking after themselves.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page508" id="page508"></a>[pg 508]</span>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/508.png"><img src="images/508-600.png" width="600" height="388" alt="Child (saying prayers). 'Give us this day our daily bread-and-butter.'" /></a>
+<p><i>Child (saying prayers).</i> "<span class="sc">Give us this day our daily bread-and-butter</span>."</p>
+<p><span style="float: left;"><i>Governess</i>. "<span class="sc">No, dear&mdash;not butter</span>."</span> <span style="float: right;"><i>Child</i>. "<span class="sc">Marge, then</span>."</span></p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h3>LETTERS I NEVER POSTED.</h3>
+
+<h3>CONCERNING GOOD RESOLUTIONS.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">To the girl at the Exchange</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>The New Year is upon us and with
+it comes the determination to mend
+our bad habits and make serious efforts
+to turn over a new leaf. Perhaps you
+have already thought of this and have
+made some good resolutions; perhaps,
+on the other hand, you cannot think of
+anything amiss that needs correcting.
+In this case will you let me help you<i>?</i>
+In every other respect you may be perfection,
+but as an exchange operator,
+which is the only capacity in which
+(alas!) I know you, you are often lacking.
+I have no doubt that you are
+charming in private life and that we
+should get on famously if we met at
+dinner; but you have an irritating way
+of giving me the wrong number, which
+I do most cordially hope you will lose
+during 1921. When I protest, you
+merely say you are sorry, but what I
+suggest is that an ounce of careful listening
+at first is worth tons of sorrow
+later. Kingston doesn't really sound
+a bit like Brixton, and yet yesterday,
+when I asked for a Kingston number,
+you put me at once on to the same
+number in the other suburb. Constantly
+when I say I want 2365 you
+give me 2356. To give you your due
+you are always, I will admit, sorry;
+but ...</p>
+
+<p>Another thing. Sometimes, when you
+ring me up and I answer, all you do is
+to ask, "Number, please," as though I
+had rung you. (It is then that I feel
+most that I should like to wring you.)
+When I reply, "But you rang me,"
+you revert to your prevailing regretful
+melancholy and say, "Sorry you were
+troubled," and before I can go deeply
+into the question and discover how
+these things occur you ring off. Can't
+you make an effort during 1921 not to
+do this? Let it be a year of gladness.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes I am perfectly certain you
+don't ring up the number I want until
+after you have asked me once or twice
+if they have answered. Isn't that so?
+"I'll ring them again," you say with
+a kind of resigned adventurousness; but,
+knowing as I do that they have been
+waiting for my call, I am not taken in.
+But what I want to know is&mdash;what
+were you doing instead of ringing up
+at first? I suppose that these secrets
+will never be penetrated by the ordinary
+subscriber outside the sacred precincts;
+but I wish you would give me
+fewer of such problems to ponder during
+the year that is coming.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;Have you ever considered, with
+proper alarm, what would happen to a
+cinema story if a wrong number were
+provided by the operator, or if any
+delay whatever occurred? This should
+make you think.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">To a Racing Journalist</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>I suggest that you should include
+among your good resolutions for the
+New Year the decision not to allow
+your readers to participate in your
+special information as to which horse
+will come in first. Tell them all you
+like about yesterday's sport, but dangle
+no more "security tips" before their
+diminishing purses. If they must bet&mdash;which
+of course they must, as betting
+is now the principal national industry&mdash;let
+them at least have the fun of
+selecting the "also-ran" themselves.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">To Many an Editor</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>In contemplating your 1921 programme
+of regeneration could you not
+make a vow to dispense with all headlines
+that ask questions? Probably you
+never see the paper yourself and therefore
+have no feeling in the matter, but
+I can assure you that the habit can become
+very wearisome. "Will it freeze
+to-day?" "Can Beckett win?" "Will
+Hobbs reach his 3,000 runs?" "Are
+the Lords going to pass the Bill?"
+Won't you make an effort to do without
+this formula? It is futile in itself
+and has the unfortunate effect of raising
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page509" id="page509"></a>[pg 509]</span>
+what surely are undesirable doubts as
+to whether journalists are any more
+sensible than their readers.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">To One Editor in Particular</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>No comic hats in 1921, please.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">To the P.M.G.</span></h4>
+
+<p>There is, as everyone (except possibly
+Mr. <span class="sc">Austen Chamberlain</span> and the cynic
+who professes to hate letters so much
+that he wishes that they cost a shilling
+a-piece to send) will agree, one good
+resolution which above all others you
+should concentrate upon for 1921, and
+that is to get back our penny postage.
+With so many comparatively unnecessary
+things still untaxed, it never should
+have been sacrificed.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">To A Pork Butcher</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>Among the problems of this latter
+day of discontents few are more pressing
+than speculating as to why sausages
+and pork-pies have so degenerated.
+Under the malign influence of Peace,
+sausages have become tasteless and
+pork-pies nothing but pies with pork
+in them; the crust chiefly plaster-of-Paris,
+and the meat not an essential
+element, soft and seductive and fused
+with the pastry, but an alien assortment
+of half-cooked cubes. I can understand
+that after a great war a certain
+deterioration must set in, but I fail to
+see why sausages and pork-pies, if made
+at all, should not be made as well as
+ever, especially as you get such a long
+price for them. Couldn't you&mdash;wouldn't
+you&mdash;try in 1921 to make them with
+some at least of the old care?</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">To a Cabinet Minister</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>Might not a vow against writing for
+the papers be rather a nice one to observe
+during 1921? It is quite on the
+cards that one's duties to the State
+(not too inadequately paid for) ought
+to be sufficiently exacting to preclude
+journalism at all. There's a question
+of dignity too, although I hesitate to
+drag that in.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">To the Chief of the Police</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>Couldn't you (I hope I am addressing
+the right gentleman) arrange that
+before 1921 becomes 1922&mdash;twelve whole
+months&mdash;a simple device is made for
+taxis by which a square of red glass
+can be slipped over one of the lamps at
+night to indicate that the cab is free?
+I'm sure it wouldn't really be difficult,
+and the comfort of London would be
+enormously increased.</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">To A Taxi-Driver</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>You will perhaps note what I have
+just said to the Chief of the Police. If
+you had any interest in your work you
+would, of course, long since have fixed
+up something of the kind for yourself.
+But let that pass. All I am suggesting
+to you as a 1921 amendment is that
+you should bank in a more accessible
+part of your clothing. Waiting for
+change in this weather (especially with
+the flag still down) can be an exasperating
+experience. Won't you make
+a resolution during the coming year to
+keep your money nearer the surface?</p>
+
+<p class="author">E. V. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/509.png"><img src="images/509-600.png" width="600" height="430" alt="You're wanted at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer with another rebate off yer income-tax." /></a>
+<p><i>Neighbour (bearer of message, to billiard enthusiast).</i> "<span class="sc">You're wanted at 'ome, Charlie. Yer wife's just presented yer
+with another rebate off yer income-tax</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>How to deal with Windbags.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The   address  was  punctured  throughout
+with cheers."</p>
+<p class="author">&mdash;<i>West Indian Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"There would be a grand dinner and music,
+and splendidly-dressed ladies to look at, and
+things to eat that strangely twisted the girls'
+paws when they tried to tell about them,"</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Weekly Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Mem.&mdash;Never try to talk the deaf-and-dumb
+language after dinner.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page510" id="page510"></a>[pg 510]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<a href="images/510.png"><img src="images/510-600.png" width="600" height="422" alt="Pretty mixed lot at this hotel." /></a>
+<p><i>Profiteer (to his wife).</i> "<span class="sc">Pretty mixed lot at this hotel. 'Ere come some more o' them pre-war blighters</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h3>THE BARKER THAT MISSED FIRE.</h3>
+
+<p>On hearing a shuffle of feet in the
+porch and the clearing of little throats,
+I exclaimed, "Those carols again!" If
+between "those" and "carols" I inserted
+another word, I withdraw it.</p>
+
+<p>I went into the hall and barked like
+a dog.</p>
+
+<p>I have often said that, if anyone
+could earn a hundred pounds a week
+on the stage by barking like a dog, I
+could. Children like to come to my
+house to tea merely for the thrill of
+listening to my imitation. I used to
+flatter myself that I could bark like a
+dog even better than <span class="sc">Nelson Keys</span> can
+imitate <span class="sc">Gerald du Maurier</span>.</p>
+
+<p>I hardly gave the carol-singers time
+even to mention Royal David's city
+before I barked. Instantly one pair of
+little feet scuttled away towards the
+gate; then a voice called, "Don't be
+silly, Alfy; come on back."</p>
+
+<p>Two small girls stood at the front-door
+as I opened it. One of them
+smiled up at me and said, "He thinks
+he's going to be bit." She appeared
+to be amused by the idea. Down by
+the gate was a small muffled figure
+carrying a Chinese lantern. "Come on
+back, Alfy," she called again, "and let's
+sing to the gentleman. You see," she
+explained to me in confidence, "he's
+got addleoids and can't sing loud, so we
+let him hold the lantern."</p>
+
+<p>I was beginning to feel sorry that I
+had played a trick on such inoffensive
+children and was about to assure them
+that my savage bull-terrier was safely
+locked up in the kitchen when the brave
+little lass began chattering again.</p>
+
+<p>"My dad keeps dogs&mdash;all sorts," she
+told me, "and sells them to gentlemen.
+So I'm used to dogs." Then she turned
+once more to the lantern-bearer and
+commanded, "Now come on and sing,
+Alfy. It ain't a dog at all; it's only
+the gentleman trying to make a noise
+like one."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Rod Iron Red Mail Bird, year old; good
+breed; 16s."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We fancy it must be an armour-clad
+rooster of this species that, crossed
+with a Plymouth Rock, was responsible
+for the reinforced-concrete chicken
+that we met at dinner the other night.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"When once the exchanges of the world
+have righted themselves&mdash;and that is bound
+to come about sooner or later&mdash;then will
+follow such a reaction in the trade of the
+country that will exceed the expectations of
+the most sanguinary optimist."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Trade Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We think this must be intended as a
+hit at <span class="sc">Trotsky</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">The Oyster.</span></h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The oyster takes no exercise;</p>
+<p>I don't believe she really tries;</p>
+<p class="i4">And since she has no legs</p>
+<p>I don't see why she should, do you?</p>
+<p>Besides, she has a lot to do&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">She lays a million eggs.</p>
+<p>At any rate she doesn't stir;</p>
+<p>Her food is always brought to her.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But sometimes through her open lips</p>
+<p>A horrid little creature slips</p>
+<p class="i4">Which simply will not go;</p>
+<p>And that annoys the poor old girl;</p>
+<p>It means she has to make a pearl&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">It <i>irritates</i>, you know;</p>
+<p>So, crooning some small requiem,</p>
+<p>She turns the thing into a gem.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And when I meet the wives of Earls</p>
+<p>With lovely necklaces of pearls</p>
+<p class="i4">It makes me see quite red;</p>
+<p>For every jewel on the chain</p>
+<p>Some patient oyster had a pain</p>
+<p class="i4">And had to stay in bed.</p>
+<p>To think what millions men can make</p>
+<p>Out of an oyster's tummy-ache!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i24">A. P. H.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"At &mdash;&mdash; Hall, St. John's Wood, Tues., by
+auction, stock of a Furrier.&mdash;Cats. free."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Advt. in Daily Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A case of adding insult to injury.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page511" id="page511"></a>[pg 511]</span>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/511.png"><img src="images/511-374.png" width="374" height="450" alt="MICAWBER AND SON." /></a>
+<h4>MICAWBER AND SON.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">Senile Optimist</span>. "AND TO YOU, MY BOY, I BEQUEATH&mdash;MY LIABILITIES. MAY
+YOU BE WORTHY OF THEM!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Juvenile Ditto</span>. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. SOMETHING'S SURE TO TURN UP!"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page512" id="page512"></a>[pg 512]</span>
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT</h3>.
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 720px;">
+<a href="images/512.png"><img src="images/512-600.png" width="600" height="371" alt="AT THE MILLENNIUM STORES." /></a>
+<h4>AT THE MILLENNIUM STORES.</h4>
+<p><i>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> (Chairman).</i> "<span class="sc">You've worked splendidly up to
+Christmas, and if you'll put your backs into it for
+the New Year trade I'll see if I can't give you a good long holiday in the
+autumn</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> (Manager).</i> "<span class="sc">Or some other time</span>."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Bonar Law, Mr. Lloyd George, Mr. Shortt, Mr. Chamberlain, Mr. Neal, Sir
+Eric Geddes, Sir Robert Horne,
+Mr. Churchill.</span></p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+<p><i>Monday, December 20th</i>.&mdash;As the result
+of being tossed backwards and
+forwards between the two Houses the
+Government of Ireland Bill had already
+lost most of its awkward corners. The
+last two were rounded off to-day, when
+the Government secured that Southern
+Ireland should have three years, instead
+of two, in which to make up her mind
+whether to accept or refuse the proffered
+Parliament, and that in the meantime
+only a joint resolution of both
+Houses should prevent the Act from
+coming into operation. Lord <span class="sc">Midleton</span>
+pressed hard for a retention of the
+Lords' veto, but was thrown overboard
+by Lord <span class="sc">Crewe</span>, who was greatly impressed
+by the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor's</span>
+reminder that within three years there
+must be a General Election.</p>
+
+<p>In the Commons Sir <span class="sc">Robert Horne</span>
+performed his customary Monday dance
+among the fiscal egg-shells. He declined
+to give an estimate as to the
+number of British workmen unemployed
+owing to the importation of
+German goods&mdash;"no man who breathes
+could do it"&mdash;and judiciously evaded
+acceptance of Sir <span class="sc">Frederick Hall's</span>
+suggestion that one reason why Teuton
+manufacturers were snapping up Dominion
+contracts was that their employ&eacute;s
+worked eleven hours a day.</p>
+
+<p>The close of one of the longest and
+weariest sessions on record finds the
+Government in a penitent mood. How
+long will it last? The <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>
+told one of his supporters that he hoped
+next year's programme would be less
+exacting, and immediately promised
+another measure dealing with dumping
+and exchange; and when Sir <span class="sc">F. Banbury</span>
+helpfully suggested that the surest
+way to avoid an Autumn Session would
+be to introduce fewer Bills Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar
+Law</span> turned on him with the retort
+that "a surer way would be to introduce
+none."</p>
+
+<p>An amusing duel between well-matched
+opponents took place over
+liquor control. Mr. <span class="sc">Macquisten</span>, whose
+voice, at once insinuating and penetrative,
+has been likened to a corkscrew,
+urged that the <i>bon&acirc;-fide</i> frequenters of
+public-houses should be consulted in the
+settlement of the drink regulations. The
+present arrangement, in his view, was
+like entrusting the regulation of the
+Churches to avowed atheists. Lady
+<span class="sc">Astor</span> made full use of her shrill treble
+in retorting that it was the "victims"&mdash;by
+which apparently she meant the
+wives of Mr. <span class="sc">Macquisten's</span> <i>prot&eacute;g&eacute;s</i>&mdash;who
+ought to have the last word. She
+herself had it in the series of incredulous
+"Oh's!"&mdash;uttered <i>crescendo</i> on a rising
+scale and accompanied by appropriate
+gesture&mdash;with which she received Mr.
+<span class="sc">Macquisten's</span> confident assertion that
+the working-men's clubs are the enemies
+of "the Trade."</p>
+
+<p>Supplementary Estimates produced
+a good deal of miscellaneous information.
+On the Vote for Road Transport
+Colonel <span class="sc">Mildmay</span> attacked the system
+of tar-spraying and told a melancholy
+story of a cow that skidded with fatal
+results. He was backed up by Sir <span class="sc">F.
+Banbury</span>, who said that he had found
+the ideal pavement in soft wood and
+awakened memories of an ancient jest
+by suggesting that something might
+be done if he and the <span class="sc">Minister of
+Transport</span> were to put their heads
+together.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, December 21st.</i>&mdash;Sir <span class="sc">William
+Davison</span> thundered against the Home
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page513" id="page513"></a>[pg 513]</span>
+Office for not taking steps to prevent
+the desecration of the Nelson Column
+by the delivery of seditious speeches.
+Sir <span class="sc">John Baird</span> explained that it was
+impossible to know beforehand what sort
+of speech was going to be delivered. But
+his critic would have none of this paltry
+excuse. "Did not the regulations provide,"
+he boomed, "that the objects of
+the meetings must be specified?" Fortunately
+for the Minister, who had nearly
+been blown off the Treasury Bench, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Hogge</span> came to the rescue. "Is it not
+a fact," he inquired, "that the monument
+was erected to a man who turned
+a blind eye to orders?"</p>
+
+<p>The strange case of Lord <span class="sc">Rothermere</span>
+and the Committee on Public
+Accounts was further investigated. The
+Committee had reported that a certain
+stationery contract for the Air Ministry
+had been extravagant and improper.
+The <span class="sc">Air Minister</span> at the time was the
+noble Lord who has lately been so eloquent
+about "squander-mania," but he
+has since, in a letter to the Press, declared
+that he never signed or initialled
+the order. Lieut.-Colonel <span class="sc">Archer-Shee</span>
+and Mr. <span class="sc">Ormsby-Gore</span> sought the
+opinion of the Treasury on the transaction,
+and Mr. <span class="sc">Baldwin</span> replied that
+it was certainly usual for a Minister to
+be held responsible for his expenditure,
+and that if subordinate officials were
+thrown over by their chiefs it would be
+bad for the Service.</p>
+
+<p>The Lords' amendments to the Commons'
+amendments to the Lords' amendments
+to the Government of Ireland
+Bill were agreed to. Sir <span class="sc">L. Worthington-Evans</span>
+thought to improve the occasion
+by a neat little speech expressing
+goodwill to Ireland, and, much to his
+surprise, found himself in collision with
+the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, who observed that this
+was not the time for First Reading
+speeches.</p>
+
+<p>It was rather hard on Lord <span class="sc">Peel</span>, as
+the grandson of the great Sir <span class="sc">Robert</span>,
+to have to sponsor the Dyestuffs Bill.
+He frankly described it as "a disagreeable
+pill." Lord <span class="sc">Emmott</span> and other Peers
+showed a strong disinclination to take
+their medicine, but Lord <span class="sc">Moulton</span> said
+that the chemists&mdash;naturally enough&mdash;were
+all in favour of it, and persuaded
+the House to swallow the bolus.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of an eleventh-hour
+effort to destroy the Agriculture Bill
+Lord <span class="sc">Lincolnshire</span> described the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister's</span> Christmas motto as <i>Tax
+Vobiscum</i>; and the success of his jape
+served as a partial solace for the defeat
+of his motion.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<a href="images/513.png"><img src="images/513-600.png" width="600" height="415" alt="D'ye see them marks on the wall? That's our feet." /></a>
+<p><i>Old Sea-dog (to nervous passenger).</i> "<span class="sc">Roll? She
+<i>can</i> roll! D'ye see them marks on the wall? That's our feet</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A WARNING FROM THE SKY.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[The latest form of mascot is a trinket-model
+of the sign of the zodiac under which
+one was born.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>'Twas Caution bade me: "Think  a while;</p>
+<p class="i2">Calm thought may prove your saviour;</p>
+<p>You've only seen her gala style</p>
+<p class="i2">And very best behaviour;</p>
+<p>What though her form's divinely planned</p>
+<p class="i2">And rightly you adore it,</p>
+<p>Her character's an unknown land,</p>
+<p class="i2">You'd better first explore it."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But such exploring baffled me&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">She had, to my vexation,</p>
+<p>No younger brother I could fee</p>
+<p class="i2">For stable information&mdash;</p>
+<p>Until at last I noted (worn</p>
+<p class="i2">Mid baubles weird and various)</p>
+<p>A mascot which announced her born</p>
+<p class="i2">Beneath the sign Aquarius.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>An ancient tome declared how this</p>
+<p class="i2">Implied that, though a beauty,</p>
+<p>The girl was careless, slack, remiss</p>
+<p class="i2">And negligent of duty;</p>
+<p>I stilled in time my cardiac stir</p>
+<p class="i2">And ceased my adoration,</p>
+<p>Thanking my lucky stars and her</p>
+<p class="i2">Explicit constellation.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page514" id="page514"></a>[pg 514]</span>
+
+<h3>AT THE PLAY</h3>.
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc">Peter Pan</span>."</h4>
+
+<p><i>Peter Pan</i>, the play, must by now
+have long overtaken the age of <i>Peter
+Pan</i>, the boy; but, like him, it never
+grows any older. The cast may change,
+but that seems to make hardly any
+difference. The new <i>Peter</i> (Miss <span class="sc">Edna
+Best</span>) is as good as any of them.
+Graceful of shape and lithe of limb, he
+is still essentially a boy, the realised
+figure of <span class="sc">Barrie's</span> fancy; a little aloof
+and inscrutable; romantic, too, in his
+very detachment from the sentiment of
+romance that he provokes. Miss <span class="sc">Freda
+Godfrey</span>, the new <i>Wendy</i>, would have
+seemed good if we had not known better
+ones. To be frank, she looked rather
+too mature for the part; she needed a
+more childlike air to give piquancy to
+her assumption of maternal responsibilities.
+It was pleasant to see Mr. <span class="sc">Henry
+Ainley</span> unbend to the task, simple for
+him, of playing <i>Captain Hook</i> and <i>Mr.
+Darling</i>. One admired his self-control
+in refusing to impose new subtleties
+upon established and sacred tradition.</p>
+
+<p>Of familiar friends, age has not withered
+the compelling charms of Mr. <span class="sc">Shelton's</span>
+<i>Smee</i>, nor, in the person of Mr.
+<span class="sc">Cleave</span>, has custom staled the infinite
+futility of <i>Slightly</i>. I was glad, too, to
+find Miss <span class="sc">Sybil Carlisle</span> back in the
+part of <i>Mrs. Darling</i>, which she played
+most appealingly.</p>
+
+<p>The lagoon scene was cut out this
+year; perhaps it was thought that there
+is enough lagoon in London just now.
+I could more willingly have spared the
+business of <i>Mr. Darling</i> and the kennel,
+the one blot in the play. My impression
+of this grotesquerie has not changed
+since I first saw <i>Peter Pan</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Among new impressions was a feeling
+that the domestic details of the
+First Act are a little too leisurely, so
+that I appreciated the impatience of
+my little neighbour for the arrival of
+<i>Peter Pan</i>, whose acquaintance she had
+still to make. Also from the presence
+of children in my party I became conscious
+how much of the humour of the
+play&mdash;its burlesque, for example, of
+the stage villain&mdash;is only seizable by
+children who have grown up. <span class="sc">Barrie</span>
+wrote it, of course, to please the eternal
+child in himself, but forgot now and
+then what an unusual child it was.</p>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>On Wednesday, January 5th, 1921,
+at 3.30 and 8 P.M., in the Hall of the
+Inner Temple, the "Time and Talents"
+Guild will give a series of "Action Tableaux,"
+dramatised by Miss <span class="sc">Wilson-Fox</span>,
+in illustration of the history of Southwark
+and Old Bermondsey from Saxon
+times to the present day. There will
+be singing, in character, by the Stock
+Exchange Choir. The profits will go
+in aid of the Settlement in Bermondsey,
+which has been carried on for twenty-one
+years among the factory girls by
+members of "Time and Talents," and
+to-day includes a Hostel, Clubs, a Country
+Holiday Fund and a cottage in
+the country. Applications for tickets
+may be made to Miss <span class="sc">Wilson-Fox</span>, 17,
+De Vere Gardens, Kensington, W. 8.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE GREAT RESOLVE</h3>.
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["When <i>Chu Chin Chow</i>  reaches its 2,000th
+representation on the 29th, it will have run
+for 1,582 days, 26 days longer than the War."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Sunday Times</i>.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Behind its pendent curtain folds</p>
+<p>We know not what the future holds;</p>
+<p>We only know that worlds have gone</p>
+<p>Since <i>Chu Chin Chow</i>  was first put on.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Mid all our stress and strife and change</p>
+<p>This strikes me as extremely strange;</p>
+<p>I think when plays go on like this</p>
+<p>There ought to be an artistice.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But, when we have another war</p>
+<p>After the peace we've toiled so for,</p>
+<p>And empires break and thrones are bust</p>
+<p>And nations tumble in the dust,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And culture, rising from the East,</p>
+<p>On tottering Europe is released,</p>
+<p>And Chinamen at last shall rule</p>
+<p>In Dublin, Warsaw and Stamboul,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Soon as the roar of cannon ends</p>
+<p>And all men once again are friends,</p>
+<p>I must fulfil my ancient vow</p>
+<p>And go and visit <i>Chu Chin Chow</i>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ST. CECILIA OF CREMONA.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Punch</i> has no desire to plunge into
+the controversy which has arisen over
+the employment of women in professional
+orchestras, especially as the cause
+has already been practically won, and
+here, at any rate, the saying, "What
+Lancashire thinks to-day England will
+think to-morrow," has failed to justify
+itself. The example of Manchester is
+not being followed in London, and what
+is deemed advisable for the Free Trade
+Hall in one city is not to dominate the
+policy of the Queen's Hall in the other.</p>
+
+<p>But without going into the arguable
+points of this latest duel of the
+sexes, Mr. Punch, already in the last
+year which completes his fourth score,
+may be allowed to indulge in an old
+man's privilege of retrospect and incidentally
+to congratulate the ladies on
+the wonderful and triumphant progress
+they have made in instrumental art
+since the roaring 'forties. For in the
+'forties women, though still supreme
+on the lyric stage, had hardly begun
+to assert themselves as executants,
+save on the pianoforte. <i>Punch</i> well
+remembers <span class="sc">Liszt</span>&mdash;with the spelling
+of whose name he had considerable
+difficulty&mdash;in his meteoric pianofortitude.
+But the young <span class="sc">Wilma Neruda</span>,
+who visited London in 1849, escaped
+his benevolent notice. She was then
+only ten. It was not until twenty
+years later that, as Madame <span class="sc">Norman-Neruda</span>,
+she revisited London, proved
+that consummate skill could be combined
+with admirable grace in a woman-violinist,
+took her place as a leader of
+the quartet at the Monday "Pops," upset
+the tyranny of the pianoforte and harp
+as the only instruments suitable for the
+young person, and virtually created the
+professional woman-violinist. Indeed,
+she may be said to have at once made
+the fiddle fashionable and profitable for
+girls.</p>
+
+<p>On its invasion of Mayfair the
+pencil of <span class="sc">Du Maurier</span> furnishes the
+best comment. Before 1869, woman-violinists
+were only single spies; now
+they are to be reckoned in battalions.
+And they no longer "play the easiest
+passages with the greatest difficulty,"
+as was once said of an incompetent
+male pianist, but in all departments of
+technique and interpretation have fully
+earned Sir <span class="sc">Henry Wood's</span> tribute to
+their skill, sincerity and delicacy.
+When the eminent conductor goes on,
+in his catalogue of their excellences, to
+say, "They do not drink, and they
+do not smoke as much as men," he
+reminds Mr. Punch of two historic
+sayings of a famous foreign conductor.
+The first was uttered at a rehearsal
+of the Venusberg music from <i>Tannh&auml;user:</i>
+"Gentlemen, you play it as if
+you were teetotalers&mdash;<i>which you are
+not</i>." The other was his lament over
+a fine but uncertain wind-instrument
+player: "With &mdash;&mdash; it is always Quench,
+Quench, Quench."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Punch is old-fashioned enough
+to hope that, whether teetotalers or
+not, the ladies will leave trombones and
+tubas severely alone, and confine their
+instrumental energies mainly to the
+nice conduct of the leading strings&mdash;the
+aristocrats of the orchestra, the
+sovereigns of the chamber concert.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>From a butcher's advertisement:&mdash;</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Special Pre-War Pork, and Beef,
+Sausages</span>."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Local Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>While all in favour of old-fashioned
+Christmas fare, here we draw the line.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Enough butter to cover 265,000,000 slices
+of bread was produced in Manitoba this year.
+Of 8,250,000,000 pounds produced, 4,100,000
+has been exported."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Canadian Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Thirty-one pounds of butter to the slice
+is certainly the most tempting inducement
+to Canadian immigration we have
+yet noticed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page515" id="page515"></a>[pg 515]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 346px;">
+<a href="images/515.png"><img src="images/515-346.png" width="346" height="450" alt="THE INSPIRED MUSICIAN AND THE CHRISTMAS HAM." /></a>
+<h4>THE INSPIRED MUSICIAN AND THE CHRISTMAS HAM.</h4>
+</div><br /><br />
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page516" id="page516"></a>[pg 516]</span>
+
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<h4><i>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)</i></h4>
+
+<p>I can't help thinking that Mr. <span class="sc">H. G. Hibbert</span> has not
+chosen altogether the right name for his second volume of
+theatrical and Bohemian gossip, <i>A Playgoer's Memories</i>
+(<span class="sc">Grant Richards</span>). It is not so unsophisticated as the
+title had somehow led me to expect. Indeed "unsophisticated"
+is perhaps the last epithet that could justly be applied
+to Mr. <span class="sc">Hibbert's</span> memories. I fancy I had unconsciously
+been looking for something more in the style of my own
+ignorant playgoing. "How wonderful she was in that
+scene with the broker's man," or "Do you remember the
+opening of the Third Act?" Not thus Mr. <span class="sc">Hibbert</span>. For
+him the play itself is far less the thing than a peg upon
+which to hang all sorts of tags and bobtails of recollection,
+financial, technical and just not scandalous because of the
+discretion of the telling. His book is a repository of
+theatrical information, but the great part of it of more
+absorbing concern for the manager's-room or the stage-door
+than, say, the dress
+circle. But I must not be
+wanting in gratitude for
+the entertainment which,
+for all this carping, I certainly
+derived from it. As
+an expert on stage finance,
+for example, to-day and
+forty years back, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Hibbert</span> has revelations
+that may well cause the
+least concerned to marvel.
+And there is an appendix,
+which gives a list of Drury
+Lane pantomimes, with
+casts, for half a century,
+including, of course, the
+incomparable first one;
+but that is not a memory
+of this world. A book to
+be kept for odd references
+in two senses.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/516.png"><img src="images/516-500.png" width="500" height="352" alt="CULPABLE NEGLIGENCE ON THE PART OF AN EDITOR OF AN ILLUSTRATED PAPER. IMPENDING LIBEL ACTIONS." /></a>
+<h4>CULPABLE NEGLIGENCE ON THE PART OF AN EDITOR OF AN ILLUSTRATED PAPER. IMPENDING LIBEL ACTIONS.</h4>
+</div>
+<table align="center" summary="" style="margin-bottom: 1em; width: 500px;">
+<tr>
+       <td><span class="sc">Captain Eric Blightman, whose
+engagement to Lady Sarah Hubb
+has just been announced</span>.</td>
+       <td><span class="sc">Basher Smith, ex-heavyweight
+champion of Stepney, who is to
+act as referee at the Corkery-Hackett
+fight on Friday</span>.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>What most interfered
+with my peace of mind
+over <i>The Happy Highways</i>
+(<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) was, I think, its almost entire absence
+of highway, and the exceedingly unhappy nature of its
+confused and uncharted lanes. Indeed, I am wondering
+now if the title may not have been an instance of bitter
+irony on the part of Miss <span class="sc">Storm Jameson</span>. Certainly a
+more formless mass of writing never within my experience
+masqueraded as a novel. There are ideas and reflections&mdash;these
+last mostly angry and vaguely socialistic&mdash;and here
+and there glimpses of illusory narrative about a group of
+young persons, brothers and a girl-friend, who live at Herne
+Hill, attend King's College and talk (oh, but interminably)
+the worst pamphlet-talk of the pre-war age. It is, I take
+it, a reviewer's job to stifle his boredom and push on
+resolutely through the dust to find what good, if any, may
+be hidden by it. I will admit therefore some vague interest
+in the record of how the War hit such persons as these.
+Also (to the credit of the author as tale-teller) she does
+allow one of the young men to earn a scholarship, and for
+no sane reason to depart instantly thereupon before the mast
+of a sailing-ship; also another, the central figure, to fall in
+love with the girl. The book is in three parts, of which the
+third is superfluously specialized as "chaos." Whether
+Miss <span class="sc">Jameson</span> will yet write a story I am unable to say;
+I rather wonder, however, that Messrs. <span class="sc">Heinemann</span> did not
+suggest to her that these heterogeneous pages would furnish
+excellent material for the experiment.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I have discovered that Miss <span class="sc">Peggy Webling</span> has quite
+a remarkable talent for making ordinary places and people
+seem improbable. She achieves this in <i>Comedy Corner</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) by sketching in her scenery quite competently
+and then allowing her characters to live lives, amongst it, so
+fraught with coincidence, so swayed by the most unlikely
+impulses, that a small draper's shop, a West End "Hattery"
+and an almshouse for old actresses become the most extraordinary
+places on earth, where anything might happen
+and nobody would be surprised. <i>Winnie</i>, her heroine, behaves
+more improbably than anyone else, but she is such a
+dear little goose that most amiable readers will be quite
+glad that she doesn't have to suffer as much as such geese
+would if they existed in real life. You can see from this
+that it is one of those books that are full of real niceness
+and goodwill, and it has besides plenty of plot and lots of
+interesting characters, and
+yet somehow it gives you
+the feeling of being out of
+focus. You read on, expecting
+every moment that
+clever Miss <span class="sc">Webling</span> will
+give things a little push
+in the right direction and
+make them seem true,
+and, while you are reading
+and hoping, you come
+to the happy ending.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Should you enter <i>The
+Gates of Tien T'ze</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder
+and Stoughton</span>) you
+will not regret it, but it is
+possible that you may be&mdash;as
+I was&mdash;a little breathless
+before the end of this
+vehement story is reached.
+The average tale of criminals
+and detectives is not
+apt to move slowly, but
+here Mr. <span class="sc">Leslie Howard
+Gordon</span> maintains the
+speed of a half-mile relay race. I am not going to reveal his
+mystery except to say that <i>Tien T'ze</i> was a Chinese organisation
+which perpetrated crimes, and that <i>Donald Craig</i>,
+<i>Kyrle Durand</i>&mdash;his secretary (female) and cousin&mdash;and <i>Bruce
+MacIvor</i>, superintendent of the Criminal Investigation Department,
+were employed in tracking it down and smashing
+it to pieces. Never have I met anyone in fiction (let fact
+alone) so clever as <i>Kyrle</i> in getting herself and her friends
+out of tight places. When <i>Craig</i> and <i>MacIvor</i> were so
+beset by <i>Tien T'ze</i> that their last hour seemed to have
+come I found myself saying, "It is time for <i>Kyrle</i> to
+emerge from her machine," and she emerged. In a novel
+of this <i>genre</i> it is essential that the excitement should
+never fall below fever-heat, but Mr. <span class="sc">Gordon's</span> book does
+better than that; its temperature would, I think, burst
+any ordinary thermometer.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Vicar's Study Circle is now engaged in considering the
+teaching of what is known as the 'Higher Criticism.' All interested
+are invited to attend, whatever sex they may claim to possess."</p>
+
+<p class="author">&mdash;<i>Parish Magazine</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The Vicar evidently possesses the open mind so necessary
+for discussions of this sort.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page517" id="page517"></a>[pg 517]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/517.png"><img src="images/517-600.png" width="600" height="458" alt="EPILOGUE" /></a>
+
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<h3>AS WE SEE OTHERS: A CANDID APPRECIATION OF U.S.A.</h3>
+
+<p>The liner <i>de luxe</i> had swung in past Sandy Hook, and the tender had
+already come alongside with its mail
+and Press-gang. There ensued a furious race to interview the most distinguished
+passenger, and it was by the representative
+of <i>The Democratic Elevator</i>, who got there first, that the Sage, in the
+very act of recording the emotions
+provoked by his first sky-scraper, was <i>abord&eacute;</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Punch, I guess?" said he. "Pleased to meet you, Sir. And what do you think
+of the American nation?"</p>
+
+<p>"Shall I tell you now," asked Mr. Punch, "or wait till I've actually seen it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Right here," said the interviewer, and drew his note-book.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," began Mr. Punch, "I think a good deal of it&mdash;I mean, I think a good deal
+about it. And it
+nearly always makes me smile. Of course you won't understand why it nearly
+always makes me smile, because
+we don't see fun in the same things. You don't appreciate our humour, and
+therefore you say that we haven't
+any. And if we don't appreciate your humour that proves again that we haven't
+any. So you'll never understand
+why it makes me smile, sometimes gently and sometimes rather bitterly, to think
+about your nation; but
+I'll tell you just the same.</p>
+
+<p>"In the first place, what you call 'America' is only a small fraction of the
+American continent, not
+even as large as British North America. And in the second place what you call
+your 'nation'&mdash;well, some rude
+person once said of it that it isn't really a nation at all, but just a picnic.
+I won't go so far as that, but
+I hardly suppose you will be much better pleased if I call it a League of
+Nations. That is a phrase that you
+hate, because your President <span class="sc">Wilson</span> loves it.</p>
+
+<p>"By the way, I must be very careful how I speak of your President, because
+you're so sensitive on that
+subject. You allow yourselves to abuse him as the head of a political party, but
+if other nations so much as
+question his omniscience he suddenly becomes the Head of a Sovereign State. An
+English Cabinet Minister once
+told me how an American gave vent in conversation to the most violent language
+in regard to the policy of the
+President of the day, and when at the end the Englishman very quietly said, 'I
+am inclined to agree with you,'
+the American turned on him in a fury, saying: 'Sir, I didn't come here to have
+my country insulted!'</p>
+
+<p>"However, to return to your League of Nations. In England (where I come from)
+they are just now reviving
+a play by Mr. <span class="sc">Israel Zangwill</span>, in which, if I recall it rightly, he
+makes out your country to be the
+Melting Pot into which every sort of fancy alien type is thrown, and turned out
+a pattern American citizen, a
+member of a United Family. I wish I could believe it. It seems to us that your
+German, even after passing
+through the Melting Pot, remains a German; that your Irishman, however much he
+Americanises himself for
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page518" id="page518"></a>[pg 518]</span>
+purposes of political power and graft, remains an Irishman. You never seem to
+get together as a nation, except
+when you go to war, and even then you don't keep it up, for you're not together
+now, although you're still at
+war with Germany. The rest of the time you seem to spend in having Elections and
+'placating' (I think that's
+what you call it) the German interest, or the negro interest, or the Sinn Fein
+interest.</p>
+
+<p>"And this brings me to the point that makes me smile most of all&mdash;when it
+doesn't make me weep.
+Isn't it a pathetic thing that a really great and strong people like you should
+be so weak and little as to let
+your Press sympathise blatantly with the campaign of murder in Ireland; to
+suffer that campaign to be actively
+assisted by American gunmen; to look on while it is being financed by American
+money, here employed in conjunction
+with the resources of that very Bolshevism which you take care to treat as
+criminal in your own country?</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't it pitiful that you should regard reprisals (hateful though they may be)
+as worse than the hideous
+murders which provoked them; forgetting your own addiction to lynch law;
+forgetting too (as some of our own
+people forget) that the sanctity of the law depends as much upon the goodwill
+and assistance of the populace as
+it does upon the police, and cannot else be maintained?</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed your memory is not very good. Your Monroe Doctrine, which insists that
+nobody from outside
+shall interfere with your affairs, escapes you whenever you want to interfere
+with other people's. You even forget,
+at convenient times, your own Civil War. Just as there was not a protest made by
+you against the methods of
+our blockade of Germany for which an answer could not be found in some precedent
+set by you in that War
+of North and South, so now the best answer to your sympathy with the
+preposterous claims of an Irish Republic
+is to be found in those four years in which you fought so bloodily to preserve
+the integrity of your own Union.</p>
+
+<p>"Yet you let men like <span class="sc">De Valera</span> go at large proclaiming the brutal
+tyranny of the alien Saxon and
+advertising his country as a Sovereign State&mdash;all because you have to 'placate'
+the Irish interest. I should very
+much like to hear what you would think of us if at our Elections we ran an
+Anti-You campaign and even made
+Intervention a plank in our platform (as one of your Parties did) for the sake
+of 'placating' the niggers or the
+Cubans or the Filipinos or any other sort of Dago in our midst.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course we are told&mdash;and of course I believe it&mdash;that the 'best' American
+sentiment is all right. But, if so,
+it must be cherished by a very select few, or they would never tolerate a
+condition of things so rotten that, unless
+your coming President finds some cure for it, you are like to become the
+laughing-stock of Europe. I am almost
+tempted to go into the Melting Pot myself and show you, as none but an American
+citizen would ever be allowed
+to show you, how it is to be done. Unfortunately I am too busy elsewhere,
+putting my own country right.</p>
+
+<p>"But to conclude&mdash;for I see that we are drawing close to the landing-stage&mdash;I do
+hope that in my
+desire to be genial I have not been too flattering. No true friend ever
+flatters. And in my heart, which has
+some of our common blood in it (notoriously thicker than water), I cannot help
+loving your country, and would
+love it better still if only it gave me a better chance. Indeed, I belong at
+home to a Society for the Promotion
+of Anglo-American Friendship. More than that"&mdash;and here the Sage was seen to
+probe into a voluminous and
+bulging breast-pocket&mdash;"I have brought with me a token of affection designed to
+stimulate a mutual cordiality."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Not</i> a flask of whisky?" exclaimed the representative of <i>The
+Democratic Elevator</i>, suddenly moved to animation.</p>
+
+<p>"No, not that, not that, my child," said Mr. Punch, "but something far, far
+better for you; something that
+gives you, among other less serious matter, a record of the way in which we in
+England, with private troubles
+of our own no easier than yours to bear, and exhausted with twice as many years
+of sacrifice in the War of
+Liberty (whose colossal effigy I have just had the pleasure to remark), still
+try to play an honourable part in
+that society of nations from which you have apparently resolved, for your better
+ease and comfort, to cut yourselves
+off. Be good enough to accept, in the spirit of benevolence in which I offer it,
+this copy of my</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/518a-600.png" width="600" height="44" alt="One Hundred and Fifty-Ninth Volume." border="0"></img></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/518.png"><img src="images/518-600.png" width="600" height="353" alt="One Hundred and Fifty-Ninth Volume." /></a></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page519" id="page519"></a>[pg 519]</span>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/519.png"><img src="images/519-600.png" width="600" height="296" alt="Index" /></a></div>
+
+
+<h3>Cartoons.</h3>
+
+<table align="center" width="70%" summary="cartoons" border="0">
+<tr><td><br />
+<table align="center" summary="" border="0">
+<tr><td class="left1"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Partridge, Bernard</span></span></td><td class="right1">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Aladdin and the Miner's Lamp</td><td class="right1">311</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Bad for the Bull</td><td class="right1">      51</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Cap of Liberty: Le Dernier Cri</td><td class="right1">      191</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Close Corporation (A)</td><td class="right1">      351</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Economists (The)</td><td class="right1">      471</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Experts (The)</td><td class="right1">      291</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Folly of Athens (The)</td><td class="right1">      411</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">German Invasion (A)</td><td class="right1">       431</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Great Repudiation (The)</td><td class="right1">      231</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">"House"-Breaker (The)</td><td class="right1">      151</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">If Winston Set the Fashion&mdash; </td><td class="right1">     111</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">League of Youth (The)</td><td class="right1">      91</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Micawber and Son </td><td class="right1">     511</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Moral Suasion </td><td class="right1">     71</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Prince Comes Home (The)</td><td class="right1">      271</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Problem (The)</td><td class="right1">       131</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Road to Economy (The) </td><td class="right1">      451</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Salvage</td><td class="right1">       251</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Scales of Justice (The)</td><td class="right1">      331</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Session of Common Sense (A)</td><td class="right1">       171</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Shrine of Honour (The)</td><td class="right1">      371</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Snowed Under</td><td class="right1">      211</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Verdun </td><td class="right1">     491</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Worth a Trial <br /><br /></td><td class="right1">     391<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+  <tr><td class="left1"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Raven-Hill,  L.</span></span></td><td class="right1">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+ <tr><td class="left1"> Abysmalists (The)</td><td class="right1">      383</td></tr>
+ <tr><td class="left1"> Balm for the Sick Man </td><td class="right1">     423</td></tr>
+ <tr><td class="left1"> Blue Ribbon of the Sea (The)</td><td class="right1">      83</td></tr>
+  </table>
+  </td><td>
+<table align="center" summary="" border="0" style="vertical-align: top;">
+
+
+  <tr><td class="left1">Boblet (The) </td><td class="right1">     463</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Encourage Home Industries</td><td class="right1">      363</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Evil Communications </td><td class="right1">     43</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Good Fairy Georgina (The)</td><td class="right1">      503</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Iconoclast (The) </td><td class="right1">     123</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">I. O. U.</td><td class="right1">      11</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Labor Omnia Vincit </td><td class="right1">     443</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Last Straw (The)</td><td class="right1">      403</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">"Lion of Lucerne (The)" </td><td class="right1">      143</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Our Parish Church  </td><td class="right1">    31</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Our Village Sign </td><td class="right1">     343</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Out of the Frying-Pan </td><td class="right1">     183</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Polish Hug (The) </td><td class="right1">     283</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Prospective Jonah? (A) </td><td class="right1">     263</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Public Benefactor (The) </td><td class="right1">     203</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Real Music (The) </td><td class="right1">     103</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Resources of Civilisation (The)</td><td class="right1">      303</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Road to Ruin (The) </td><td class="right1">    163</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Sing a Song of Drachmas </td><td class="right1">     483</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Tartarin dans les Indes</td><td class="right1">      243</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Too-Free Country (A) <br /><br /></td><td class="right1">     323<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left1"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Reynolds, Frank</span></span></td><td class="right1">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Under a Cloud (with a Golden Lining)<br /><br /></td><td class="right1">      223<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left1"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Townsend, F. H.</span></span></td><td class="right1">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">L'Enfant Terrible </td><td class="right1">      3</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Sea-view of the Situation (A)</td><td class="right1">      63</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left1">Subject to Revision </td><td class="right1">     23</td></tr>
+</table>
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+<br clear="all" />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Articles.</h3>
+
+<table align="center" summary="Articles" border="0">
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Allen, Inglis</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Difference of Class (A)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      208<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Anderson, Miss E. V. M.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Mudford Blight (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      188<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Armstrong, H.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Working for Peace<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      330<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Bell, Neil</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Cage (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      349<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Biddulph, Miss Violet</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">In Defence of Dorothy<br /><br /></td><td class="right">       102<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Bird, A. W.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+ <tr><td class="left">Cricket Mannerism (A)</td><td class="right">      22</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Edward and the B.O.F.</td><td class="right">      98</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Fine Old Fruity (The)</td><td class="right">      490</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Stuttfield and the Reds</td><td class="right">      374</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Twenty Years On <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     55<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Blaikley, Miss E. L.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+ <tr><td class="left">Pamela's Alphabet<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      270<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Bretherton, Cyril</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Charivaria</td><td class="right">      weekly</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">To Isis </td><td class="right">     76</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Vignettes of Scottish Sport <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     458<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Brown, C. L. M.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Our Invincible Navy<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      362<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Brown, Hilton</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Blue Mountains (The)</td><td class="right">      136</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Nimrod </td><td class="right">     195</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Santamingoes<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      24<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Bryant, A. W. M.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Kings and Queens<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      224<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Budgen, C. G.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Language for Logic (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      422<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Cameron, C. F.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Taxation of Virtue (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      214<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Casson, C. R.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Eve Victorious </td><td class="right">     466</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Humourist (The)</td><td class="right">     488</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Light Fantastic (The)</td><td class="right">      366</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Word Chains <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     28<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Chalmers, P. R.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Kelpie (The)</td><td class="right">      149</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Visionary (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      124<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Darmady, E. S.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Peculiar Case of Toller (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      75<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Darmady, E. S. &amp; J.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Human City and Suburban (The)</td><td class="right">      184</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Superfection Laundry (The)<br /><br /> </td><td class="right">     342<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Davies, Miss S. M.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Prodigies (The)</td><td class="right">      202</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Sources of Laughter<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      385<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Dyer, A. E. R.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Knell of the Navy (The) </td><td class="right">     246</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Passing of Alfred (The)<br /><br /> </td><td class="right">     298<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Eastwood, Captain</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Rabbits' Game (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      144<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Eckersley, Arthur</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Squatters<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      105<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Farrow, R. S.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+ <tr><td class="left"> New Journalism (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      370<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Fay, S. J.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Authorship for All</td><td class="right">      46, 66</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Dissimulation of Suzanne </td><td class="right">     176</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">My Right-Hand Man</td><td class="right">      234</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Sayings of Barbara (The)<br /><br /> </td><td class="right">     388<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Fox-Smith, Miss C.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">All Sorts </td><td class="right">     46</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Nitrates</td><td class="right">     86</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ship in a Bottle (A)</td><td class="right">     230</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Yarns <br /><br /></td><td class="right">&nbsp;     390<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Franklin, Bernard</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ballad of the Early Worm (A)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      265<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Fyleman, Miss Rose</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Check by the Queen </td><td class="right">     306</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Consolation </td><td class="right">     264</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Fairy Tailor (The) </td><td class="right">     482</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Queen's Counsel</td><td class="right">      88</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Rainy Morning</td><td class="right">      253</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Wedding Presents<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      186<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Garland, A. P.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Patient's Library (The)</td><td class="right">      118</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Place of the Trombone in the Band (The)</td><td class="right">      428</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Romance of Book-making (The)</td><td class="right">      2</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Timon<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      1<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Garstin, Crosbie</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Barrel of Beef (The)</td><td class="right">      456</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Down Channel</td><td class="right">      77</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Fair (The)</td><td class="right">     110</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Letter to the Back-Blocks</td><td class="right">      324</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Old Woman's House Rock, Scilly </td><td class="right">     213</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Our Heavy-Waits</td><td class="right">      464</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Reefs (The)</td><td class="right">      30</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Spanish Ledges<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      237<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Gillman, W. H.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Counter-Irritant (The)</td><td class="right">      108</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Headlining</td><td class="right">      318</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Very Personal<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      255<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Goodhart, Mrs. H.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Logs to Burn <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     337<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Graves, C. L.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Between Two Stools</td><td class="right">      226</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">British Tarpon (The)</td><td class="right">      198</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Changes in Club-Land</td><td class="right">     130</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Cry of the Adult Author (The)</td><td class="right">      345</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Cures Worth Making </td><td class="right">     38</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Fashion and Physique</td><td class="right">      210</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Footnote to the "Bab Ballads"</td><td class="right">      408</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">From Spa and Shore</td><td class="right">      122</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Happy Gardener (The)</td><td class="right">      398</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Mixed Meteorological Maxims </td><td class="right">     269</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">New Utopia (The)</td><td class="right">      366</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Our Lucky Dippers </td><td class="right">     442</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Our Natural History Column</td><td class="right">      69</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Prawling's Theory </td><td class="right">     316</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Puss at the Palace </td><td class="right">    490</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Revival of the Fittest (The)</td><td class="right">      116</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Revival of Ollendorff </td><td class="right">     335</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Revolt of Youth (The)</td><td class="right">     168</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">St. Cecilia of Cremona </td><td class="right">      514</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">State and the Screen (The)</td><td class="right">      50</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">To Certain Cautious Prophets</td><td class="right">      256</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">To General Oi</td><td class="right">     198</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Tragedy of Reaction (A)</td><td class="right">     19</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Two Studies in Musical Criticism </td><td class="right">     276</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">When and If <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     289<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Greenland, George</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Miriam's Two Babies<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      254<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Harwood, A. C.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">How to Build a House <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     176<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Haselden, Percy</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Old Beer Flagon (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">       358<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Herbert, A. P.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Art of Poetry (The)</td><td class="right">      164</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Autobiography Shocker (The)</td><td class="right">       313</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Contemporary Folksongs </td><td class="right">       384</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Criminal Type (A)  </td><td class="right">     62</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Euclid in Real Life </td><td class="right">     346</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Foul Game (A) </td><td class="right">     495</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Grasshopper (The)</td><td class="right">        42</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Happy Hoots (The)</td><td class="right">       502</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Heart of Mine</td><td class="right">      88</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">If They were at School </td><td class="right">     408</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Korban Bath (The)</td><td class="right">     288</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Little Bits of London </td><td class="right">     468</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Little Horse (The)</td><td class="right">       26</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Mystery (The)</td><td class="right">      126</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Mystery of the Apple-pie Beds </td><td class="right">     268</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left" valign="top">New Rhymes for Old Children</td><td class="right">  186, 215, 234, 244, 295, 306, 329, 350,<br /> 365, 416, 426, 455, 475, 485, 510</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">On with the Dance</td><td class="right">      6</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Private Film (The)</td><td class="right">      338</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Seven Whitebait </td><td class="right">     206</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Spider (The)</td><td class="right">      116</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Thoughts on <i>The Times</i> </td><td class="right">     148</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">White Spat (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      448<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Heyer, George</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Rhymes of the Underground<br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 95, 115, 176, 193<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Hodgkinson, T.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Best Laid Schemes (The)</td><td class="right">      66</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Devoted Lover (The)</td><td class="right">      270</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">First Love and Last </td><td class="right">      146</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Home from Home (A)</td><td class="right">      225</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Love's Handicap </td><td class="right">     318</td></tr>
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page520" id="page520"></a>[pg&nbsp;520]</span>
+  <i>Mens Conscia Mali</i></td><td class="right">      106</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ministering Angel (The)</td><td class="right">      85</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Note on the Drama (A)</td><td class="right">      450</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Sartorial Tragedy (A)</td><td class="right">      398</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Vanished Glory </td><td class="right">      7</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Warning from the Sky (A)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">       513<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Holmes, Capt. W. K.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ben and the Boot (The)</td><td class="right">      233</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Territorial (The)</td><td class="right">      137</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">To James in the Bath</td><td class="right">      250</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Victim of Fashion (A)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      96<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Holt, E. C.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left" valign="top">Songs of an Ovalite </td><td class="right">     45<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Jackson, Lieut. Gerald, R.N.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Difficult Case (A)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      410<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Jagger, Arthur</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Elfin Tennis</td><td class="right">     405</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left"><i>Rara Avis</i></td><td class="right">      182</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Westward Ho!<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      169<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Jay, Thomas</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Charivaria</td><td class="right">      weekly</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Questions<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      449<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Jenkins, Ernest</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Barker that Missed Fire (The)</td><td class="right">      510</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Downing of the Pen (The</td><td class="right">      354</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Improving "Hansard"</td><td class="right">      434</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">My Dromedary</td><td class="right">      78</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Premier's Metaphors (The)</td><td class="right">     386</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Should Millionaires read Homer? </td><td class="right">     58</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Shrimp Test (The) </td><td class="right">     253</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Solving the Holiday Fare Problem </td><td class="right">     81</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">When Charl. comes over<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      18<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Kidd, Arthur</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Another War to End War</td><td class="right">      175</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">More Secret History</td><td class="right">      326</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Our "Promised" Land </td><td class="right">     429</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Passing of the Cradle (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">     205<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Kilpatrick, Mrs.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Elizabeth Goes on Holiday</td><td class="right">     64</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Elizabeth Goes to the Sales</td><td class="right">       4</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Elizabeth Outwitted</td><td class="right">     284</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Elizabeth's Christmas</td><td class="right">      504</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ernest Experiments</td><td class="right">      315</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Hard Times for Heroines<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      146<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">King, P. J.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ministry for Heroes (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      294<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Kitchin, Harcourt</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">My Rat <br /><br /></td><td class="right">      25<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Knox, E. V.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">About Conferences</td><td class="right">      326</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">About Golf </td><td class="right">     462</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Coal Cup (The)</td><td class="right">     204</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Converted Castles</td><td class="right">      48</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">D'Annunzio Dialogue (A) </td><td class="right">     406</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">George, Jane and Lenin</td><td class="right">     153</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Gone Away!</td><td class="right">     302</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Handy Man (The)</td><td class="right">      228</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Harding and Cox </td><td class="right">      37</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">I remember&mdash;I remember</td><td class="right">      70</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Maybirds</td><td class="right">      506</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Miners' Opera (The) </td><td class="right">     262</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">More Pay for M.P.s</td><td class="right">     438</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">My Apologia </td><td class="right">     377</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">On Running Down to Brighton</td><td class="right">     190</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Priscilla Paints </td><td class="right">      18</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Priscilla Plays Fairies</td><td class="right">      446</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Proof Positive </td><td class="right">     344</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Sand Sports </td><td class="right">     170</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">September in My Garden</td><td class="right">     244</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Squish</td><td class="right">     106</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Taffy the Fox </td><td class="right">     486</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Thoughts in a Cold Snap</td><td class="right">       484</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Unauthentic Impressions</td><td class="right">      364, 382, 404, 424, 444</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ways and Means </td><td class="right">     68</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Yet One More Plan for Ireland <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     282<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Lamburn, Miss R. C.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Anniversary (The)</td><td class="right">      118</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Birthday Present (The)</td><td class="right">      94</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Strike in Fairyland (A)</td><td class="right">      356</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Way Out of the Present Unrest<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      238<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Langley, F. O.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Boot Mystery (The)</td><td class="right">      414</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Conspirators (The)</td><td class="right">   248, 266, 286, 308, 328, 348</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Genf and the League of Nations</td><td class="right">      368</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">King's Messenger (The)</td><td class="right">      8</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Lucerne</td><td class="right">       154</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Mountain and the Prophets (The)</td><td class="right">      476</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Movement in the Money Market </td><td class="right">     189</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Story about a Clock (A)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      38<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Lewis, M. A.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Tragedy in Birdland (A)</td><td class="right">      395</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Transmigration of Bowles (The)</td><td class="right">      128</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left"><i>Vade Mecums</i> <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     96<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Leys, Miss H. M.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left" valign="top">Flowers' Names<br /><br /></td><td class="right">  57, 78, 90, 104, 122, 145, 198, 206,<br /> 229, 273, 298<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Locker, W. A.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Essence of Parliament </td><td class="right">    weekly during Session</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Among the Pedestals </td><td class="right">     122</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Brown Lady (The)</td><td class="right">      430</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Buckler's</td><td class="right">      76</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Cabman and the Coin (The)</td><td class="right">    246</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Cynosure (The)</td><td class="right">     397</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Dining Gladiator (The)</td><td class="right">    304, 322</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Down-our-Court Circular </td><td class="right">     117</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">End of the Season (The)</td><td class="right">     194</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">For Ourselves Alone </td><td class="right">     296</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Honours Easy </td><td class="right">     274</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">If We All Took to Margotry </td><td class="right">     142</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Letters I never Post (The)</td><td class="right">      416</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Letters I never Posted </td><td class="right">      508</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">More Margobiography </td><td class="right">     102</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Mother-in-law Mystery (The)</td><td class="right">      376</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Other Half (The) </td><td class="right">     476</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Philosophers </td><td class="right">     22</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Points of View </td><td class="right">     56</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Privileges of Margotism (The)</td><td class="right">      166</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ring in the Old</td><td class="right">     358</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Succulent Comedians (The)</td><td class="right">      84</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">"Suggestions"</td><td class="right">     496</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">That Tea Interval </td><td class="right">     216</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Three Exceptional Men </td><td class="right">     15</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Wire and Barbed Wire<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      226<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Martin, N. R.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Sniper (The)</td><td class="right">      406</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Tips for Uncles <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     49<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">May, H. R. D.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Whiff of the Briny (A)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      162<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Morrison, A. C. L.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Language Difficulty (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      218<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Norriss, Cecil</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Charivaria <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     weekly<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Nott-Bower, W. G.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">"G.B.R.L."<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      435<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Ogilvie, W. H.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Opening Run (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      357<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Penney, F. G.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">To a Clerical Golfing Friend<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      455<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Phelps, S. K.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ministry of Ancestry (The)</td><td class="right">      222</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Pigs<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      258<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Platt, F. W.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Wail of the Wasp (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      238<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Plumbe, C. C.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Roses all the Way<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      86<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Preston-Tewart, A.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Bridge Conventions<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      242<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Richardson, R. J.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Cubbin' thro' the Rye</td><td class="right">      266</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Headgear for Heroes </td><td class="right">     229</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Room at the Back (The)</td><td class="right">      174</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Scene at the Club (A)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      74<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Rigby, Reginald</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Great Idea (The)</td><td class="right">      394</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Little Moa (The)</td><td class="right">      265</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Piglets </td><td class="right">     56</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Prone </td><td class="right">     149</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">What to do with our Boys <br /><br /></td><td class="right">     136<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Salvidge, Stanley</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Belles of the Ball<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      402<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Seaman, Owen</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Apology to the Bench (An</td><td class="right">      142</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Ashes (The)</td><td class="right">      222</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">As We See Others </td><td class="right">     517</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">At the Play </td><td class="right">  158, 196, 236, 256, 275, 336, 378, 418, 514</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">"Christmas Spirit (The)" </td><td class="right">     482</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Dark Ages (The)</td><td class="right">      442</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Doggerel</td><td class="right">     202</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Falling Prices</td><td class="right">     302</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">How to Vitalise the Drama</td><td class="right">     382</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Lessons from Nature </td><td class="right">     262</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Michaelmas and the Goose </td><td class="right">     242</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Mr. Smillie's Little Armageddon </td><td class="right">     162</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Poet-Laureate and his German Friends (The)</td><td class="right">      342</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Standard Golf-Ball (The)</td><td class="right">      422</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">To the Lion of Lucerne</td><td class="right">     462</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">To our Play-Makers </td><td class="right">     282</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Unknown Warrior (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      370<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Silsby, Miss E.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Late Worm (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      322<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Smith, E. A.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">One Touch of Dickens<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      436<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Spender, Miss B. E.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Unlikely Story (An)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      438<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Stuart, Miss D. M.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Before the Cenotaph</td><td class="right">      362</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Chantry (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      298<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Taylor, S. J.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">To a Maker of Pills<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      150<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Thornhill, J. F. P.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Beau Brimacombe<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      396<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Thorp, Joseph</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">At the Play<br /><br /></td><td class="right">   44, 125, 276, 456<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Trotter, Mrs. A. F.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Moon-Seller (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      216<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Westbrook, H. W.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Beginner (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      109<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Whitaker, V.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Nocturne<br /><br /></td><td class="right">       58<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">White, E. P.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Another Garden of Allah </td><td class="right">     108</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Goldwire and Poppyseed</td><td class="right">      9</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Racing as a Business </td><td class="right">     426</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left"><i>Si Jeunesse Savait</i></td><td class="right">      310</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Taste of Authority (A)</td><td class="right">      138</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">"To Him that hath ..."</td><td class="right">      156</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Vacillating Policy (A)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      398<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">White, R. F.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Increased Output</td><td class="right">     402</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Type-Slinger (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      334<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Whitmarsh, F. J.</span></span></td><td class="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Guide to Greatness (A)</td><td class="right">      330</td></tr>
+  <tr><td class="left">Peerless Provincial (The)<br /><br /></td><td class="right">      297<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td colspan="2">
+
+<hr />
+
+</td></tr>
+<tr><td colspan="2">
+<br />
+<h3>Pictures and Sketches.</h3>
+
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Armour, G. D.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 159, 215, 233, 248, 279, 295, 339, 379, 419, 439,<br /> 459, 479, 513<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Bateman, H. M.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 16, 17, 35, 187, 257, 267<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Baumer, Lewis</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right">119, 190, 207, 224, 250, 270, 330, 390, 430, 450,<br /> 490, 510<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Belcher, George</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 75, 97<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Bird, W.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 40, 61, 161, 177, 308, 417, 435, 461<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Brock, H. M.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 9, 57, 89, 109, 297, 364, 415<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Brook, Ricardo</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 300<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Cottrell, Tom</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 169, 474<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Curry, J. R.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 280<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Dowd, J. H.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right">28, 100, 148, 160, 168, 178, 181, 188, 241, 261,<br /> 361, 428, 501<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Earnshaw, Harold</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 341, 345<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">"Fougasse"</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 27, 47, 87, 101, 121, 154, 227, 277, 287, 317, 369,<br /> 407, 447, 477, 487, 500<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Fraser, Peter</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 105, 221, 268, 288, 328, 399, 420<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Gammon, Reginald</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 139, 209<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Garstin, Crosbie</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 21<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Ghilchik, D. L.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 41, 218<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Grave, Charles</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 19, 25, 99, 125, 204, 249, 293, 395, 465<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Harrison, Charles</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 356, 376, 499<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Haselden, W. K.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 276, 336, 418, 456<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Henry, Thomas</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right">48, 488<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Jennis, G.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 77, 144, 259, 316, 337, 359<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Llewellyn, Major W.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 498<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Lloyd, A. W.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 13, 33, 34, 53, 54, 73, 74, 93, 94, 113, 133, 134, 333,<br /> 353, 354, 373, 374,
+393, 413, 414, 433, 434, 453, <br />473, 493, 512<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Martin, L. B.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 114<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Mills, A. Wallis</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 30, 45, 70, 127, 153, 164, 210,
+278, 289, 315, 335,<br /> 355, 377, 409, 424, 457, 475, 485, 504<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Moreland, Arthur</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 141, 174, 201, 319, 394<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Morrison, J.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 138<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Morrow, Edwin</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 388<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Morrow, George</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 60, 80, 120, 140, 180, 195, 220,
+237, 260, 273, 320,<br /> 340, 360, 380, 400, 410, 440, 460, 480, 495, 516<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Norris, Arthur</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 68, 348, 397<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Owen, Will</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 385<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Partridge, Bernard</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 1<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Pett, Norman</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 20, 36, 98, 228, 258, 301, 421, 446<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Prance, Bertram</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 79, 117, 137, 299, 436, 468<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Raven-Hill, L.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 37, 55, 95, 189, 253, 269, 334, 396, 478, 497, 518<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Reynolds, Frank</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 4, 24, 44, 64, 84, 104, 124, 157, 158, 170, 184, 194, <br />196, 213,
+236, 239, 244, 275, 284, 304, 327, 344,<br /> 367, 389, 404, 427, 444, 464, 484, 509<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Ridgewell, W. L.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 14, 128<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Rowntree, Harry</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 149<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Shepard, E. H.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 10, 107, 130, 167, 197, 234, 254, 264, 455, 515<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Shepherd, J. A.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 217<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Shepperson, C. A.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 67, 147, 247, 347, 469, 507<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Simmons, Graham</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 173<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Smith, A. T.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 50, 135, 145, 179, 240, 294, 313, 357, 368, 375<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Speed, Lancelot</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 78, 235, 305<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Stampa, G. L.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 15, 29, 59, 85, 155, 175, 199, 219, 229, 274, 307,<br />
+329, 350, 365, 387, 425, 454, 467, 489<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Terry, Stan</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 81, 200, 208, 281, 321, 381, 401, 441<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Thomas, Bert</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 7, 69, 115, 185, 214, 225, 255, 285, 309, 324, 405, <br />494, 505<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Thorp, J. H.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 296, 314, 42<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left" valign="top"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Townsend, F. H.</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 5, 39, 49, 65, 90, 110, 129, 150, 165, 193,
+205, 230, <br />245, 265, 290, 310, 325, 349, 370, 384, 408, 437, <br />449, 470, 506<br /><br /></td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class="left"><span class="outdent"><span class="sc">Wood, Starr</span>,</span><br /><br /></td><td class="right"> 445<br /><br /></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/520.png"><img src="images/520-324.png" width="324" height="450" alt="FINIS" /></a></div>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+159, December 29, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</body>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2636 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159,
+December 29, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, December 29, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 11, 2007 [EBook #20334]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+DECEMBER 29, 1920
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+No newspapers were published on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. We did not
+begrudge them their holiday, but we do think _The Daily Mail_ might
+have issued occasional bulletins respecting the weather at Thanet, as
+we consider three days is too long to keep their readers in suspense.
+
+       * * *
+
+The most popular indoor game this winter seems to be
+Battledore-and-Juttlecock.
+
+       * * *
+
+A woman informed a London magistrate last Tuesday that her husband
+thrashed her at Easter, Whitsuntide and on August Bank Holiday.
+Our thoughts were constantly with her during the recent Yuletide
+festivities.
+
+       * * *
+
+Readers should not be alarmed if a curious rustling noise is heard
+next Saturday morning. It will be simply the sound of new leaves being
+turned over.
+
+       * * *
+
+In view of the possible increase of their salaries it is not the
+intention of Members of Parliament to solicit Christmas-boxes.
+Householders, therefore, should be on their guard against men passing
+themselves off as M.P.s.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our attention is drawn to the fact that the latest photograph of Mr.
+LLOYD GEORGE shows him to be smoking a cigar with the band on. We can
+only say that CROMWELL wouldn't have done it.
+
+       * * *
+
+Our magistrates appear to be made of poor stuff these days. A man
+named SNAIL was last week summoned before the Feltham magistrates
+for exceeding the speed limit, yet no official joke was made.
+Incidentally, why is it that Mr. Justice DARLING never gets a real
+chance like this?
+
+       * * *
+
+A New York policeman has been arrested in the act of removing a safe
+from a large drapery store. It is said that upon being seen by another
+policeman he offered to run and fetch a burglar.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mme. DELYSIA has been bitten by a dog in New York. The owner's
+defence, that the animal had never tasted famous dancer before, is not
+likely to be accepted.
+
+       * * *
+
+Like a soothing balm just before the old year dies comes the
+intimation from Mr. LOVAT FRASER that there is a bright side to
+things.
+
+       * * *
+
+With reference to the opening of the pantomime season it is reported
+that a couple of new jokes have been found nesting in a Glasgow
+theatre.
+
+       * * *
+
+Psychologists are inclined to attribute the recent night stampede of
+sheep in the Midlands, when thousands of them jumped their hurdles,
+to the influence of a large number of people concentrating on a
+well-known remedy for sleeplessness.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is stated that rabies does not exist in Ireland. Our opinion is
+that it wouldn't be noticed if it did.
+
+       * * *
+
+Very few English Christmas customs, we hear, are prevalent out
+in Russia. We have always felt that the custom of clients giving
+Christmas-boxes to their executioners will never become very popular.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is rumoured that the repeated assassinations of General VILLA have
+made it necessary for him to resign his position as Permanent Chief
+Insurgent to the State of Mexico.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Morning Post_ has remarked that nowadays the Eton boy is often
+reduced to travelling third-class. It is hoped to persuade Sir ERIC
+GEDDES to disguise himself as an Eton boy during the holidays to see
+how it feels.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is now admitted that the plum-pudding which was badly mauled by a
+small boy in the Hoxton district on Christmas Day began it by inviting
+his assailant to "come on."
+
+       * * *
+
+D'ANNUNZIO is reported to be coming to a more reasonable frame of
+mind. Apparently he is disposed to allow Italy a certain measure of
+independence.
+
+       * * *
+
+People step out into the road and never look to right or left, says a
+London coroner. This makes things far too easy for motorists.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dr. A. GRAHAM BELL recently told a Derby audience how he invented the
+telephone. We note that he still refuses to say why.
+
+       * * *
+
+We are informed that, on and after the 1st of January, Mr. CHURCHILL
+cannot undertake to refute the opinions of any writer who has not been
+officially recognised as a best seller.
+
+       * * *
+
+A scientist has succeeded in putting a pea to sleep with
+electro-magnetism. The clumsy old method of drowning it in a plate of
+soup should now be a thing of the past.
+
+       * * *
+
+General TOWNSHEND says that with seventy thousand men he could
+have conquered half Asia. But then he might have lost Mr. HORATIO
+BOTTOMLEY.
+
+       * * *
+
+What we want now is something to make the world safe for those who
+made the world safe for democracy.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is now on the market a new patent contrivance which gives
+warning when the contents of an oven are on the point of burning. We
+have secured a sample, but unfortunately our cook still relies on her
+sense of smell.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Leather is now much cheaper," we read. Yet we have noticed no drop in
+the price of restaurant steak.
+
+       * * *
+
+On January 1st the Ministry of Munitions will enter upon its second
+year of winding up.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR GOGGLERS.
+
+_First Girl in grandmotherly spectacles (to second ditto)._ "HOW
+FRIGHTFULLY OUT OF DATE THAT WOMAN IS. FANCY--LORGNETTES!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAPPY HOOTS.
+
+Yes, it is nearly twelve now. In ten minutes we shall hear the
+bells--I mean the hooters. I wonder if there were hooters when
+TENNYSON wrote those popular lines about ringing in the New Year. Very
+likely he didn't hear them if there were, as there's nothing to show
+that he ever really stayed up late enough to see the New Year in. It's
+a pity, because the hooters would have fitted in to that poem most
+beautifully. The hooting idea is just what is wanted to give a
+dramatic contrast to the sugary ringing business.
+
+  "Ring out the false, ring in the true"
+
+doesn't _convince_ somehow; it's too impartial. One doesn't say to the
+footman, "Show the Rector up, please, and show this blackmailer out,"
+even at the Lyceum. One says, "_Kick_ this black-hearted hound out,"
+and the footman realises then that you have something against the
+fellow. Just so one doesn't gather from the above line that the poet
+has any strong preference as between the false and the true, except
+that there is no good rhyme to "the false," unless you can count
+"waltz"; but what about--
+
+  _Hoot_ out the old, ring in the new;
+  _Hoot_ out the false, ring in the true?
+
+Magnificent! There's some sting in that; it "gets over," and it brings
+the whole poem into harmony with modern practice.
+
+Come on, we'd better have another dance before the great moment. I
+wonder if TENNYSON ever saw the New Year in at two guineas a head. I
+don't expect so. For that matter it's the first time we've done it at
+an expensive public "Revel" ourselves; but then this is the first year
+we've been absolutely bankrupt. Up till now we've been rather well
+off, and have celebrated cheaply at home. Do you realise that this is
+our wedding-day? I believe you'd forgotten; women never remember these
+things. Yes, it's six years.... Six years. And this is the first year
+we've been bankrupt. All the same, as I say, it's the first year we've
+come out and had a jolly good supper. Reckless? Yes, I'm afraid we
+are. But we've caught it from the Government.... However, to-morrow
+we'll start a new cheque-book.
+
+Have you made your resolutions yet? I have. Do you remember this time
+last year? You said you'd keep accounts, and I said I wouldn't smoke
+so much. And all the year through our resolution has never wavered.
+I've got evidence of that. Look at my diary. Here we are:--
+
+_January 1st._--G. started keeping accounts. Gave up smoking.
+
+And here we are again:--
+
+_March 20th._--G. started accounts.
+
+_March 29th._--Knocked off smoking.
+
+That shows it was no mere flash-in-the-pan, doesn't it?
+
+And we _went on_ like that. Look at this:--
+
+_June 6th._--Gave up smoking.
+
+_June 7th._--Only one pipe since yesterday.
+
+_June 30th._--Cut myself down to four pipes a day.
+
+_July 1st-9th._--G. keeping accounts; knocked off smoking.
+
+But I wonder why I kept writing it down. Even in September, you see, I
+wasn't taking it for granted:--
+
+_September 29th._--Quarter-Day. Not smoking this quarter. G. began new
+system of accounts.
+
+It looks like bragging, doesn't it? But I don't think I can have meant
+it that way. Still, it is rather marvellous, when you come to think of
+it--here we are, after all these months, twelve of them, and we still
+stick doggedly to the same unswerving resolution. Nothing can alter
+it. That's what I call tenacity of purpose.
+
+You don't think I'm serious? But I am. I'm just as serious as I was
+last year. This year I _shall_ give up smoking. Only I think you ought
+to give up your hot-water bottle in sympathy. You won't? No, I know
+you won't. You're a slave of the bottle, you see. It doesn't do you
+any harm? Oh, yes it does. It makes your backbone flabby, and it makes
+you susceptible to colds, and it gives you chilblains, and, anyhow,
+it's morally pernicious, because it's an _indulgence_.... If I'd known
+you were a hot-water-bottle woman before we were married.... However,
+we needn't go into that. But if you won't give up your bottle I shan't
+give up smoking after all.
+
+Look, they're opening the windows. We shall all catch cold. Can you
+hear anything? I can hear those people eating. What a draught! Can
+you hear anything? I can hear the eaters quite plainly now. Here comes
+Father Christmas. I believe he is going to give us all gifts.
+
+Can you hear anything yet? I have been given a diary. What have you
+got? Another diary? Is yours for 1921? So is mine. How dull! Christmas
+will be on a Sunday next year, I see. So will our wedding-day. I hope
+you'll remember it this time. And they have arranged for the Spring to
+begin on March 21st. Think of it! Spring--in less than three months!
+
+There they go.
+
+  Hoot out, wild hooters, to the wild sky!
+
+What a jolly noise! Much better than bells, really much more accurate
+as an expression of one's feelings. There's a sort of "faint but
+pursuing" note about it. And that's how I feel, rather. It was a
+dreadful year, really, wasn't it?--that last one, I mean. No money,
+no clothes--nothing but rates and dentists and small accounts
+respectfully submitted for our esteemed favour. One long crisis....
+But we kept the flag flying. This year----
+
+Hallo! somebody's going to recite. What do you think it will be?
+You'll never guess. Yes, you're quite right.
+
+  Ring out a slowly-dying cause
+  And ancient forms of party strife.
+
+That sounds like a bit of Government propaganda. Disgraceful, I call
+it. If I was a Wee Free----
+
+  Ring in the nobler modes of life,
+  With sweeter manners----
+
+That's a hit at somebody, too, I shouldn't wonder. Somebody must
+have written a topical verse for the occasion. Those people are still
+eating. I expect they are doing Hog-money, or whatever it is....
+
+Are you still as obstinate as ever about that hot-water bottle? Very
+well, then, I shall now have the first smoke of the New Year. Oh, no;
+we 've got to do _Auld Lang Syne_ first. I never _can_ smoke while I'm
+singing.
+
+"Should auld acquaintance...." Do you know any of the people here? No?
+Do you ever want to see any of them again? No? Never mind, they've
+all paid a lot of money to hold our hands; let them have their
+money's worth.... "A right gude willie-waucht...." Waiter! One large
+willie-waucht, please, and a small pint stoup.... Do you realise that
+this is the only night in the year when you can get a willie-waucht at
+this hour? What a world!
+
+Six years. Do you see that nice couple over there? I bet they haven't
+been married as long as we have. And I bet they're not so bankrupt.
+This is going to be a dreadful year. I can see that at once. But we'll
+keep the flag flying.
+
+Ah, here come the willie-wauchts. Thank you, waiter.
+
+Well, my dear--a cup of kindness with you. Here's luck!
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NATURAL HISTORY ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD.
+
+    "St. Columb's Court and North-End met at The Farm, when
+    St. Columb's Court were the victors by three goats to
+    one."--_Irish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Harry ---- (19), described as a comedian, was bound over in
+    L5 for six months under the rug, the property of Hilda ----."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+It seems that HARRY was not the only comedian in court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BOXING NIGHTMARE.
+
+  THE GOOD FAIRY GEORGINA. "I WAVE MY WAND--UTOPIA DOTH APPEAR ...
+  (_extemporising_) SOMETHING'S GONE WRONG. O DEAR! O DEAR! O DEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Post-War Sportsman._ "THE HOUNDS MEET ON THE LAWN
+TO-MORROW, MY DEAR. WE MUST GIVE THEM A STIRRUP-CUP."
+
+_Wife._ "I HOPE THE CHEF KNOWS HOW TO MAKE IT. IF NOT I SUPPOSE
+CLARET-CUP WOULD DO?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELIZABETH'S CHRISTMAS.
+
+"I've always thort 'ow I'd love to 'ave a reel nice Christmas,"
+remarked Elizabeth--"a jolly proper kind o' one, you know, 'm."
+
+"Don't you find Christmas a pleasant time, then?" I inquired.
+
+"Well, you see, 'm, I bin in service ever since I was turned fifteen,
+an' you know wot Christmas in service is. An extry tip, I will say,
+but a lot of extry work to go along with it--and wot washin' up!
+Some'ow it orl seems so different in books an' on the pictures."
+
+She sighed as she spoke and a look that was almost human crept into
+the arid region of her countenance. A feeling of compunction swept
+over me. Was it possible that this poor simple girl concealed depths
+of conviviality in her nature and a genial disposition which I, in
+common with all her former employers, had carelessly overlooked? I
+will admit that this unexpected phase in Elizabeth's character touched
+and interested me.
+
+"Elizabeth," I cried in a sudden glow of enthusiasm, "you shall have
+your jolly Christmas--I will provide it. You shall have your turkey,
+plum-pudding, mince-pies, crackers, mistletoe and all the rest of
+it." _Cheeryble_ in his most beneficent mood could not have felt more
+expansive than I did just then. "You can invite your friends; we shall
+not be at home, so you will have the place to yourself."
+
+"Lor!" she ejaculated. "D'ye reerly mean it, 'm?"
+
+"I do, Elizabeth. Let me know the sort of Christmas you've always
+longed for and I'll see that you get it."
+
+She drew up her lank form and her face shone. "Well, 'm, I don't know
+where you get 'em, but for one thing I've often thort as 'ow I'd like
+to 'ave a festlebord."
+
+"What's that?" I asked, puzzled. "Is it in the Stores' list?"
+
+"I don't know, 'm, but there's always a lot about it in the books.
+When the Squire's son comes 'ome repentant at Christmas-tide they
+always gathers round a festlebord and rejoices."
+
+I began to see light. "You mean a 'festal board'?"
+
+"That's wot I sed, 'm."
+
+"Well, you shall have one, Elizabeth, I'll see to that. I'd let you
+have a Squire's son as well, but unfortunately the only ones I know
+are not repentant--as yet. And now tell me which of your friends you
+would like to invite."
+
+"There's my sister-in-lor 'ud like to come--'er that I 'aven't been
+on speakin' terms with for five years--but she shan't. An' my friend
+isn't comin'; I'll see to that arter the things she sed about me to my
+young man's cousin--sorcy baggage! As for my two aunts they don't set
+foot under the same roof as me arter the way----"
+
+"Never mind about the people you're not inviting," I broke in; "we
+don't need a list of them. Who do you want to come?"
+
+"Well, there's Mrs. Spurge, the char--a real nice lady, as you know,
+'m. Then I'd like to arsk Polly, the sister of the cook wot lives in
+the 'ouse at the corner with red 'air; an' there's Mary Baxter. An'
+isn't it lucky my sailor-brother will be 'ome for the first time in
+ten years? Can 'e come too, 'm? 'E's been round the world twice."
+
+"In that case, Elizabeth, he certainly ought to be invited. He may
+even have returned home repentant, so you will be able to rejoice at
+the festal board in proper style."
+
+"Oh, 'm, isn't it luverly? I won't 'arf have a beano this Christmas.
+Wot a time we'll 'ave, _wot_ a time!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For my part I did not pass a very blithesome Christmas. Henry's aunt,
+who invited us, is rich, but she is also dull, and several times I
+found myself rather envying Elizabeth. While Aunt Jane nodded in her
+chair, Henry and I pictured those boisterous revels of Elizabeth and
+her friends, their boundless mirth, their unrestrained gaiety. We
+imagined them too gathered round the sailor-brother, listening with
+rapt delight as he told them stories of the far-off wonder-lands he
+had known. Henry sighed then and said there were times when he envied
+the so-called lower classes their capacity for enjoyment.
+
+When we returned home Elizabeth greeted us with beaming countenance.
+"I 'ope you 'ad a good time," she said; "I know _I_ 'ad."
+
+"Then it really was as nice as you thought it would be, Elizabeth?"
+
+"It was first-rate, 'm. Leastways orl went well until arter dinner,
+when we begins chippin' each other and ends in 'avin' a few words.
+My sailor-brother started it by chaffin' Polly about 'er red 'air an'
+arskin' why she didn't cut it orf, an' she told 'im then that if 'e'd
+such an objection to red she wondered 'e didn't cut 'is own nose orf.
+Arter that one thing led to another; we took sides an'----"
+
+"Oh, Elizabeth, you don't mean to say you quarrelled?" I interrupted
+sorrowfully.
+
+"Oh, no, it wasn't quarrellin', 'm--just bargin', you know. Any'ow it
+ended in Polly an' Mary an' my brother goin' off early. I was chilly
+to Mrs. Spurge owin' to 'er 'avin' said that she didn't believe my
+sailor-brother 'd ever been further than Wapping in a coal-barge.
+I shouldn't 'ave spoke to 'er again that evenin' if the book 'adn't
+brought us together again friendly, like."
+
+"What book?" I asked, bewildered.
+
+"One of yours that I got out of the study, 'm. Oh, _wot_ a book!
+Sorter ghost story in a manner o' speakin'. I laughed an' I cried over
+it, turn about. So did Mrs. Spurge. You see we read bits out to each
+other--kep it up till three o'clock in the mornin', we did. It was
+luverly!"
+
+"And what was the book called?" I inquired.
+
+"It's called _A Christmas Car'l_, 'm, by Mr. DICKINGS. Why didn't
+nobody tell me about it afore? It's far better 'n the pictures. 'Just
+like 'eaven,' Mrs. Spurge said."
+
+"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, Elizabeth."
+
+"It's the 'appiest Christmas I ever 'ad, 'm. That there Mr. Dickings
+is a one! 'E do know wot's wot in festlebords."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Patient._ "MY MISSIS SENT ME FUR A BOTTLE O' MEDICINE
+FUR ME CORF. SHE SAYS IT KEEPS HER AWAKE O' NIGHTS. I SAYS, 'YOU'VE
+NOBBUT TO LIE AWAKE. I'VE GOT TO LIE AWAKE AN' CORF.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW, WHY AND WHAT.
+
+_(Being the Tragedy of the Conscientious Inquirer who fell among
+Philistines.)_
+
+  There was an old man who said, "How
+  Can I link the To-Be with the Now?"
+      But they said, "Poor old thing!
+      You've been reading Dean INGE,
+  And you're _not_ high enough in the brow."
+
+  But in spite of this check he said, "Why
+  Is my Ego the same as my I?"
+      So they put him to bed
+      And placed ice on his head
+  till the cerebral storm had passed by.
+
+  Now I'm told he is asking them, "What
+  Use has psycho-analysis got?"
+      And they answer, "N.E.
+      If you're not an M.D.,
+  Or a novelist minus a plot."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A cargo of 800 German pianos arrived at the Tyne from Hamburg
+    on Saturday."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Another key industry in danger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNFINISHED DRAWING FOR "PUNCH" BY THE LATE F. H.
+TOWNSEND.
+
+THE FIGURE OF THE LITTLE GIRL WAS SKETCHED ON THE MORNING OF HIS
+DEATH. THE LEGEND WHICH THIS PICTURE WAS TO ILLUSTRATE IS NOT KNOWN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MAYBIRDS.
+
+I can see some justification for keeping peacocks, especially if
+you have shaven lawns and terraces and sundials, though sundials, I
+imagine, are rather a nuisance now-a-days, because of the trouble of
+having them reset for summer and winter time. Peacocks at any rate are
+beautiful, and, if their voices are apt in England to become a little
+hoarse, that is only because they screech when the weather is going to
+be bad.
+
+The pheasant is also a useful and beautiful fowl. One may put down
+bread-crumbs to attract the pheasant to one's garden when he is alive,
+or to one's plate when he is dead.
+
+But I can see no justification whatever for keeping maybirds, for
+they are neither useful nor beautiful. Perhaps you do not know what
+a maybird is. I have five maybirds. I have them because people here
+would keep saying to me, "Look at the price of fresh eggs, and how
+much nicer it is to have your own." It is a curious thing about the
+country that people are always giving one disinterested advice in
+the matter of domestic economy. In London it is different. In London
+people let you take a twopenny bus ticket to Westminster instead of
+walking across the Park, and go to ruin in your own sweet way. They
+rather admire your dash. But in the country they tell you about these
+things.
+
+So I went to a man and confessed to him my trouble about fresh eggs.
+
+"I see," he said; "you want maybirds."
+
+"No, I don't," I said; "I want hens."
+
+"It's the same thing," he told me. "How many would you like?"
+
+"Five," I said. I thought five would be an unostentatious number and
+make it clear that I was not trying to compete with the wholesale
+egg-dealers.
+
+He segregated five maybirds and explained their points to me.
+
+It appeared that one of them was a Buff Orpington and three were white
+Wyandottes and one had no particular politics. I should say now that
+it was an Independent. It has speckles and is the one that keeps
+getting into the garden.
+
+I asked him when the creatures would begin to enter upon their new
+duties, and he said they would do so at once.
+
+"What is their maximum egg-laying velocity?" I inquired.
+
+"They'll lay about three eggs a day between them," he said, "these
+five birds."
+
+"Why between them?" I enquired. But I consented to buy his birds, and
+he said if I liked he would run round to my garden at once and run up
+a hen-house and a hen-run for me. "Run" seemed rather a word with him.
+
+I said, "Yes, by all means."
+
+He came round that evening and hewed down an apple-tree under the
+light of the moon to make room for the maybird-run, and in the morning
+he brought a large roll of wire-netting, and the next day he built a
+wooden house, and the day after that he brought his five maybirds,
+and the day after that he came round and asked for some cinders. He
+sprinkled these all over the enclosure, and I watched him while he
+worked.
+
+"What is that for?" I asked.
+
+"They want something to scratch in when they run about," he explained.
+"Exercise is what they need."
+
+"They seem to be scratching already, but they don't seem to be
+running," I said. "Wouldn't it have been better to put a cinder-track
+all round the edge and train them to run races round it?"
+
+He said that he hadn't thought of that, but I could try it if I
+liked. Then he gave me a bag of food, which he said was particularly
+efficacious for maybirds, and produced his bill.
+
+All this happened about a month ago, and for the last four weeks the
+principal preoccupation of my household has been the feeding of these
+five birds. I have had to lay a gravel-path from the aviary to the
+back premises in order to sustain the weight of the traffic. Huge
+bowls of hot food are constantly being mixed and carried to them,
+without any apparent consciousness on their part of their reciprocal
+responsibilities. What I mean to say is that there are no eggs. The
+food which they eat resembles Christmas-pudding at the time when it is
+stirred, and I have suggested that a sixpence should be concealed in
+it every now and then--sixpence being apparently the current price of
+an egg--in order to indicate the nature of our hopes.
+
+I have made other valuable suggestions. I have suggested putting an
+anthracite stove in their sitting-room, and papering the walls
+with illustrations representing various methods of mass production,
+ordinary methods having failed. I notice that cabbages are suspended
+by a string across the top of the parade-ground in order that the
+birds may obtain exercise by springing at them. The cabbages are
+eaten, but I do not believe that the birds jump. I believe that they
+clamber up the wire with their claws, walk along the tight-rope and
+bite the cabbage off with their teeth.
+
+Sometimes, as I think I have mentioned, the one with speckles escapes
+into the garden, and I have several times been asked to chase it home.
+Nothing makes one look more ridiculous than chasing an independent
+maybird of no particular views across an onion bed. The rest of the
+animals appear to spend most of their time in walking about the run
+with their hands in their pockets looking for things on the ground.
+
+But every now and then one or other of them makes the loud cry which
+is usually associated with successful egg-production; the whole
+household troops beaming with anticipation along the gravel-path; and
+it is then discovered that the Buff has knocked one of the Whites off
+her perch, or that one of the Whites has scratched a cinder on which
+the Buff had set her eye, or that the Independent member has made a
+bitter speech which is deeply resented by the Coalition. But there are
+no eggs.
+
+About a week ago the corn which apparently forms a part of the
+necessary nourishment of maybirds, and is kept in an outhouse, was
+attacked by rats. I was told that I must do something about this. I
+buttered some slices of bread with arsenic and laid them down on the
+outhouse floor. The rats ate the bread and arsenic and went on with
+the corn. Unless a great improvement is manifested in the New Year I
+have decided to butter the maybirds with arsenic and place them in the
+outhouse too.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Nurse._ "LITTLE GENTLEMEN, MASTER ERIC, LEAVE THE LAST
+MINCE-PIE TO THEIR SISTERS."
+
+_Generous Little Girl._ "O NURSE, DO LET HIM BE A LITTLE CAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CYCLONE IN THE CHANNEL ISLANDS.
+
+    "Meteorological Notes.
+
+    Harbour Office, Jersey. Wind - E.W.E. - Strong Breeze."
+
+    _Jersey Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To get away, the man must have jumped from a height of about
+    ten feet to the ground, then across a garden, and over a wall
+    about eight feet high into a laneway."--_Irish Paper._
+
+Some "lep," as they say in Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In the House of Lords on Saturday, the expiring
+    Lords Continuance Bill [was] read a third time and
+    passed."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Trust the Peers for looking after themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Child (saying prayers_). "GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY
+BREAD-AND-BUTTER."
+
+_Governess._ "NO, DEAR--NOT BUTTER." _Child._ "MARGE, THEN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LETTERS I NEVER POSTED.
+
+CONCERNING GOOD RESOLUTIONS.
+
+TO THE GIRL AT THE EXCHANGE.
+
+The New Year is upon us and with it comes the determination to mend
+our bad habits and make serious efforts to turn over a new leaf.
+Perhaps you have already thought of this and have made some good
+resolutions; perhaps, on the other hand, you cannot think of anything
+amiss that needs correcting. In this case will you let me help you_?_
+In every other respect you may be perfection, but as an exchange
+operator, which is the only capacity in which (alas!) I know you, you
+are often lacking. I have no doubt that you are charming in private
+life and that we should get on famously if we met at dinner; but you
+have an irritating way of giving me the wrong number, which I do most
+cordially hope you will lose during 1921. When I protest, you merely
+say you are sorry, but what I suggest is that an ounce of careful
+listening at first is worth tons of sorrow later. Kingston doesn't
+really sound a bit like Brixton, and yet yesterday, when I asked for a
+Kingston number, you put me at once on to the same number in the other
+suburb. Constantly when I say I want 2365 you give me 2356. To give
+you your due you are always, I will admit, sorry; but....
+
+Another thing. Sometimes, when you ring me up and I answer, all you
+do is to ask, "Number, please," as though I had rung you. (It is then
+that I feel most that I should like to wring you.) When I reply, "But
+you rang me," you revert to your prevailing regretful melancholy and
+say, "Sorry you were troubled," and before I can go deeply into the
+question and discover how these things occur you ring off. Can't
+you make an effort during 1921 not to do this? Let it be a year of
+gladness.
+
+Sometimes I am perfectly certain you don't ring up the number I want
+until after you have asked me once or twice if they have answered.
+Isn't that so? "I'll ring them again," you say with a kind of resigned
+adventurousness; but, knowing as I do that they have been waiting for
+my call, I am not taken in. But what I want to know is--what were you
+doing instead of ringing up at first? I suppose that these secrets
+will never be penetrated by the ordinary subscriber outside the sacred
+precincts; but I wish you would give me fewer of such problems to
+ponder during the year that is coming.
+
+P.S.--Have you ever considered, with proper alarm, what would happen
+to a cinema story if a wrong number were provided by the operator, or
+if any delay whatever occurred? This should make you think.
+
+TO A RACING JOURNALIST.
+
+I suggest that you should include among your good resolutions for the
+New Year the decision not to allow your readers to participate in your
+special information as to which horse will come in first. Tell them
+all you like about yesterday's sport, but dangle no more "security
+tips" before their diminishing purses. If they must bet--which
+of course they must, as betting is now the principal national
+industry--let them at least have the fun of selecting the "also-ran"
+themselves.
+
+TO MANY AN EDITOR.
+
+In contemplating your 1921 programme of regeneration could you not
+make a vow to dispense with all headlines that ask questions? Probably
+you never see the paper yourself and therefore have no feeling in the
+matter, but I can assure you that the habit can become very wearisome.
+"Will it freeze to-day?" "Can Beckett win?" "Will Hobbs reach his
+3,000 runs?" "Are the Lords going to pass the Bill?" Won't you make an
+effort to do without this formula? It is futile in itself and has the
+unfortunate effect of raising what surely are undesirable doubts as to
+whether journalists are any more sensible than their readers.
+
+TO ONE EDITOR IN PARTICULAR.
+
+No comic hats in 1921, please.
+
+TO THE P.M.G.
+
+There is, as everyone (except possibly Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN and the
+cynic who professes to hate letters so much that he wishes that they
+cost a shilling a-piece to send) will agree, one good resolution which
+above all others you should concentrate upon for 1921, and that is
+to get back our penny postage. With so many comparatively unnecessary
+things still untaxed, it never should have been sacrificed.
+
+TO A PORK BUTCHER.
+
+Among the problems of this latter day of discontents few are more
+pressing than speculating as to why sausages and pork-pies have so
+degenerated. Under the malign influence of Peace, sausages have become
+tasteless and pork-pies nothing but pies with pork in them; the crust
+chiefly plaster-of-Paris, and the meat not an essential element, soft
+and seductive and fused with the pastry, but an alien assortment of
+half-cooked cubes. I can understand that after a great war a certain
+deterioration must set in, but I fail to see why sausages and
+pork-pies, if made at all, should not be made as well as ever,
+especially as you get such a long price for them. Couldn't
+you--wouldn't you--try in 1921 to make them with some at least of the
+old care?
+
+TO A CABINET MINISTER.
+
+Might not a vow against writing for the papers be rather a nice one to
+observe during 1921? It is quite on the cards that one's duties to
+the State (not too inadequately paid for) ought to be sufficiently
+exacting to preclude journalism at all. There's a question of dignity
+too, although I hesitate to drag that in.
+
+TO THE CHIEF OF THE POLICE.
+
+Couldn't you (I hope I am addressing the right gentleman) arrange that
+before 1921 becomes 1922--twelve whole months--a simple device is made
+for taxis by which a square of red glass can be slipped over one
+of the lamps at night to indicate that the cab is free? I'm sure
+it wouldn't really be difficult, and the comfort of London would be
+enormously increased.
+
+TO A TAXI-DRIVER.
+
+You will perhaps note what I have just said to the Chief of the
+Police. If you had any interest in your work you would, of course,
+long since have fixed up something of the kind for yourself. But let
+that pass. All I am suggesting to you as a 1921 amendment is that you
+should bank in a more accessible part of your clothing. Waiting for
+change in this weather (especially with the flag still down) can be an
+exasperating experience. Won't you make a resolution during the coming
+year to keep your money nearer the surface?
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Neighbour (bearer of message, to billiard
+enthusiast)._ "YOU'RE WANTED AT 'OME, CHARLIE. YER WIFE'S JUST
+PRESENTED YER WITH ANOTHER REBATE OFF YER INCOME-TAX."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO DEAL WITH WINDBAGS.
+
+    "The address was punctured throughout with cheers."--_West
+    Indian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There would be a grand dinner and music, and
+    splendidly-dressed ladies to look at, and things to eat that
+    strangely twisted the girls' paws when they tried to tell
+    about them," _Weekly Paper._
+
+Mem.--Never try to talk the deaf-and-dumb language after dinner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Profiteer (to his wife)._ "PRETTY MIXED LOT AT THIS
+HOTEL. 'ERE COME SOME MORE O' THEM PRE-WAR BLIGHTERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BARKER THAT MISSED FIRE.
+
+On hearing a shuffle of feet in the porch and the clearing of little
+throats, I exclaimed, "Those carols again!" If between "those" and
+"carols" I inserted another word, I withdraw it.
+
+I went into the hall and barked like a dog.
+
+I have often said that, if anyone could earn a hundred pounds a week
+on the stage by barking like a dog, I could. Children like to come to
+my house to tea merely for the thrill of listening to my imitation. I
+used to flatter myself that I could bark like a dog even better than
+NELSON KEYS can imitate GERALD DU MAURIER.
+
+I hardly gave the carol-singers time even to mention Royal David's
+city before I barked. Instantly one pair of little feet scuttled away
+towards the gate; then a voice called, "Don't be silly, Alfy; come on
+back."
+
+Two small girls stood at the front-door as I opened it. One of them
+smiled up at me and said, "He thinks he's going to be bit." She
+appeared to be amused by the idea. Down by the gate was a small
+muffled figure carrying a Chinese lantern. "Come on back, Alfy,"
+she called again, "and let's sing to the gentleman. You see," she
+explained to me in confidence, "he's got addleoids and can't sing
+loud, so we let him hold the lantern."
+
+I was beginning to feel sorry that I had played a trick on such
+inoffensive children and was about to assure them that my savage
+bull-terrier was safely locked up in the kitchen when the brave little
+lass began chattering again.
+
+"My dad keeps dogs--all sorts," she told me, "and sells them to
+gentlemen. So I'm used to dogs." Then she turned once more to the
+lantern-bearer and commanded, "Now come on and sing, Alfy. It ain't a
+dog at all; it's only the gentleman trying to make a noise like one."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Rod Iron Red Mail Bird, year old; good breed;
+    16s."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We fancy it must be an armour-clad rooster of this species
+that, crossed with a Plymouth Rock, was responsible for the
+reinforced-concrete chicken that we met at dinner the other night.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When once the exchanges of the world have righted
+    themselves--and that is bound to come about sooner or
+    later--then will follow such a reaction in the trade of
+    the country that will exceed the expectations of the most
+    sanguinary optimist."--_Trade Paper._
+
+We think this must be intended as a hit at TROTSKY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.
+
+THE OYSTER.
+
+  The oyster takes no exercise;
+  I don't believe she really tries;
+      And since she has no legs
+  I don't see why she should, do you?
+  Besides, she has a lot to do--
+      She lays a million eggs.
+  At any rate she doesn't stir;
+  Her food is always brought to her.
+
+  But sometimes through her open lips
+  A horrid little creature slips
+      Which simply will not go;
+  And that annoys the poor old girl;
+  It means she has to make a pearl--
+      It _irritates_, you know;
+  So, crooning some small requiem,
+  She turns the thing into a gem.
+
+  And when I meet the wives of Earls
+  With lovely necklaces of pearls
+      It makes me see quite red;
+  For every jewel on the chain
+  Some patient oyster had a pain
+      And had to stay in bed.
+  To think what millions men can make
+  Out of an oyster's tummy-ache!
+
+    A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "AT ---- HALL, ST. JOHN'S WOOD, TUES., BY AUCTION, STOCK OF A
+    FURRIER.--CATS. FREE." _ADVT. IN DAILY PAPER._
+
+A CASE OF ADDING INSULT TO INJURY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: MICAWBER AND SON.
+
+SENILE OPTIMIST. "AND TO YOU, MY BOY, I BEQUEATH--MY LIABILITIES. MAY
+YOU BE WORTHY OF THEM!"
+
+JUVENILE DITTO. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. SOMETHING'S SURE TO TURN UP!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: AT THE MILLENNIUM STORES.
+
+_MR. LLOYD GEORGE (CHAIRMAN)._ "YOU'VE WORKED SPLENDIDLY UP TO
+CHRISTMAS, AND IF YOU'LL PUT YOUR BACKS INTO IT FOR THE NEW YEAR TRADE
+I'LL SEE IF I CAN'T GIVE YOU A GOOD LONG HOLIDAY IN THE AUTUMN."
+
+_Mr. BONAR LAW (Manager)._ "OR SOME OTHER TIME."
+
+MR. BONAR LAW, MR. LLOYD GEORGE, MR. SHORTT, MR. CHAMBERLAIN, MR.
+NEAL, SIR ERIC GEDDES, SIR ROBERT HORNE, MR. CHURCHILL.]
+
+_Monday, December 20th._--As the result of being tossed backwards and
+forwards between the two Houses the Government of Ireland Bill had
+already lost most of its awkward corners. The last two were rounded
+off to-day, when the Government secured that Southern Ireland should
+have three years, instead of two, in which to make up her mind whether
+to accept or refuse the proffered Parliament, and that in the meantime
+only a joint resolution of both Houses should prevent the Act from
+coming into operation. Lord MIDLETON pressed hard for a retention
+of the Lords' veto, but was thrown overboard by Lord CREWE, who was
+greatly impressed by the LORD CHANCELLOR'S reminder that within three
+years there must be a General Election.
+
+In the Commons Sir ROBERT HORNE performed his customary Monday dance
+among the fiscal egg-shells. He declined to give an estimate as to
+the number of British workmen unemployed owing to the importation
+of German goods--"no man who breathes could do it"--and judiciously
+evaded acceptance of Sir FREDERICK HALL'S suggestion that one reason
+why Teuton manufacturers were snapping up Dominion contracts was that
+their employes worked eleven hours a day.
+
+The close of one of the longest and weariest sessions on record finds
+the Government in a penitent mood. How long will it last? The
+PRIME MINISTER told one of his supporters that he hoped next year's
+programme would be less exacting, and immediately promised another
+measure dealing with dumping and exchange; and when Sir F. BANBURY
+helpfully suggested that the surest way to avoid an Autumn Session
+would be to introduce fewer Bills Mr. BONAR LAW turned on him with the
+retort that "a surer way would be to introduce none."
+
+An amusing duel between well-matched opponents took place over
+liquor control. Mr. MACQUISTEN, whose voice, at once insinuating
+and penetrative, has been likened to a corkscrew, urged that the
+_bona-fide_ frequenters of public-houses should be consulted in the
+settlement of the drink regulations. The present arrangement, in his
+view, was like entrusting the regulation of the Churches to avowed
+atheists. Lady ASTOR made full use of her shrill treble in retorting
+that it was the "victims"--by which apparently she meant the wives
+of Mr. MACQUISTEN'S _proteges_--who ought to have the last word.
+She herself had it in the series of incredulous "Oh's!"--uttered
+_crescendo_ on a rising scale and accompanied by appropriate
+gesture--with which she received Mr. MACQUISTEN'S confident assertion
+that the working-men's clubs are the enemies of "the Trade."
+
+Supplementary Estimates produced a good deal of miscellaneous
+information. On the Vote for Road Transport Colonel MILDMAY attacked
+the system of tar-spraying and told a melancholy story of a cow that
+skidded with fatal results. He was backed up by Sir F. BANBURY, who
+said that he had found the ideal pavement in soft wood and awakened
+memories of an ancient jest by suggesting that something might be done
+if he and the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT were to put their heads together.
+
+_Tuesday, December 21st._--Sir WILLIAM DAVISON thundered against the
+Home Office for not taking steps to prevent the desecration of the
+Nelson Column by the delivery of seditious speeches. Sir JOHN BAIRD
+explained that it was impossible to know beforehand what sort of
+speech was going to be delivered. But his critic would have none of
+this paltry excuse. "Did not the regulations provide," he boomed,
+"that the objects of the meetings must be specified?" Fortunately for
+the Minister, who had nearly been blown off the Treasury Bench, Mr.
+HOGGE came to the rescue. "Is it not a fact," he inquired, "that the
+monument was erected to a man who turned a blind eye to orders?"
+
+The strange case of Lord ROTHERMERE and the Committee on Public
+Accounts was further investigated. The Committee had reported that a
+certain stationery contract for the Air Ministry had been extravagant
+and improper. The AIR MINISTER at the time was the noble Lord who has
+lately been so eloquent about "squander-mania," but he has since, in
+a letter to the Press, declared that he never signed or initialled
+the order. Lieut.-Colonel ARCHER-SHEE and Mr. ORMSBY-GORE sought the
+opinion of the Treasury on the transaction, and Mr. BALDWIN replied
+that it was certainly usual for a Minister to be held responsible for
+his expenditure, and that if subordinate officials were thrown over by
+their chiefs it would be bad for the Service.
+
+The Lords' amendments to the Commons' amendments to the Lords'
+amendments to the Government of Ireland Bill were agreed to. Sir L.
+WORTHINGTON-EVANS thought to improve the occasion by a neat little
+speech expressing goodwill to Ireland, and, much to his surprise,
+found himself in collision with the SPEAKER, who observed that this
+was not the time for First Reading speeches.
+
+It was rather hard on Lord PEEL, as the grandson of the great Sir
+ROBERT, to have to sponsor the Dyestuffs Bill. He frankly described it
+as "a disagreeable pill." Lord EMMOTT and other Peers showed a strong
+disinclination to take their medicine, but Lord MOULTON said that the
+chemists--naturally enough--were all in favour of it, and persuaded
+the House to swallow the bolus.
+
+In the course of an eleventh-hour effort to destroy the Agriculture
+Bill Lord LINCOLNSHIRE described the PRIME MINISTER'S Christmas motto
+as _Tax Vobiscum_; and the success of his jape served as a partial
+solace for the defeat of his motion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Sea-dog (to nervous passenger)._ "ROLL? SHE _CAN_
+ROLL! D'YE SEE THEM MARKS ON THE WALL? THAT'S OUR FEET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A WARNING FROM THE SKY.
+
+    [The latest form of mascot is a trinket-model of the sign of
+    the zodiac under which one was born.]
+
+  'Twas Caution bade me: "Think a while;
+    Calm thought may prove your saviour;
+  You've only seen her gala style
+    And very best behaviour;
+  What though her form's divinely planned
+    And rightly you adore it,
+  Her character's an unknown land,
+    You'd better first explore it."
+
+  But such exploring baffled me--
+    She had, to my vexation,
+  No younger brother I could fee
+    For stable information--
+  Until at last I noted (worn
+    Mid baubles weird and various)
+  A mascot which announced her born
+    Beneath the sign Aquarius.
+
+  An ancient tome declared how this
+    Implied that, though a beauty,
+  The girl was careless, slack, remiss
+    And negligent of duty;
+  I stilled in time my cardiac stir
+    And ceased my adoration,
+  Thanking my lucky stars and her
+    Explicit constellation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"PETER PAN."
+
+_Peter Pan_, the play, must by now have long overtaken the age of
+_Peter Pan_, the boy; but, like him, it never grows any older. The
+cast may change, but that seems to make hardly any difference. The new
+_Peter_ (Miss EDNA BEST) is as good as any of them. Graceful of shape
+and lithe of limb, he is still essentially a boy, the realised figure
+of BARRIE'S fancy; a little aloof and inscrutable; romantic, too, in
+his very detachment from the sentiment of romance that he provokes.
+Miss FREDA GODFREY, the new _Wendy_, would have seemed good if we had
+not known better ones. To be frank, she looked rather too mature for
+the part; she needed a more childlike air to give piquancy to her
+assumption of maternal responsibilities. It was pleasant to see Mr.
+HENRY AINLEY unbend to the task, simple for him, of playing _Captain
+Hook_ and _Mr. Darling_. One admired his self-control in refusing to
+impose new subtleties upon established and sacred tradition.
+
+Of familiar friends, age has not withered the compelling charms of Mr.
+SHELTON'S _Smee_, nor, in the person of Mr. CLEAVE, has custom staled
+the infinite futility of _Slightly_. I was glad, too, to find Miss
+SYBIL CARLISLE back in the part of _Mrs. Darling_, which she played
+most appealingly.
+
+The lagoon scene was cut out this year; perhaps it was thought that
+there is enough lagoon in London just now. I could more willingly have
+spared the business of _Mr. Darling_ and the kennel, the one blot in
+the play. My impression of this grotesquerie has not changed since I
+first saw _Peter Pan_.
+
+Among new impressions was a feeling that the domestic details of
+the First Act are a little too leisurely, so that I appreciated the
+impatience of my little neighbour for the arrival of _Peter Pan_,
+whose acquaintance she had still to make. Also from the presence of
+children in my party I became conscious how much of the humour of
+the play--its burlesque, for example, of the stage villain--is only
+seizable by children who have grown up. BARRIE wrote it, of course, to
+please the eternal child in himself, but forgot now and then what an
+unusual child it was.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On Wednesday, January 5th, 1921, at 3.30 and 8 P.M., in the Hall of
+the Inner Temple, the "Time and Talents" Guild will give a series of
+"Action Tableaux," dramatised by Miss WILSON-FOX, in illustration of
+the history of Southwark and Old Bermondsey from Saxon times to
+the present day. There will be singing, in character, by the Stock
+Exchange Choir. The profits will go in aid of the Settlement in
+Bermondsey, which has been carried on for twenty-one years among the
+factory girls by members of "Time and Talents," and to-day includes
+a Hostel, Clubs, a Country Holiday Fund and a cottage in the country.
+Applications for tickets may be made to Miss WILSON-FOX, 17, De Vere
+Gardens, Kensington, W. 8.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GREAT RESOLVE.
+
+    ["When _Chu Chin Chow_ reaches its 2,000th representation on
+    the 29th, it will have run for 1,582 days, 26 days longer than
+    the War." _Sunday Times._]
+
+  Behind its pendent curtain folds
+  We know not what the future holds;
+  We only know that worlds have gone
+  Since _Chu Chin Chow_ was first put on.
+
+  Mid all our stress and strife and change
+  This strikes me as extremely strange;
+  I think when plays go on like this
+  There ought to be an artistice.
+
+  But, when we have another war
+  After the peace we've toiled so for,
+  And empires break and thrones are bust
+  And nations tumble in the dust,
+
+  And culture, rising from the East,
+  On tottering Europe is released,
+  And Chinamen at last shall rule
+  In Dublin, Warsaw and Stamboul,
+
+  Soon as the roar of cannon ends
+  And all men once again are friends,
+  I must fulfil my ancient vow
+  And go and visit _Chu Chin Chow_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ST. CECILIA OF CREMONA.
+
+_Punch_ has no desire to plunge into the controversy which has arisen
+over the employment of women in professional orchestras, especially as
+the cause has already been practically won, and here, at any rate, the
+saying, "What Lancashire thinks to-day England will think to-morrow,"
+has failed to justify itself. The example of Manchester is not being
+followed in London, and what is deemed advisable for the Free Trade
+Hall in one city is not to dominate the policy of the Queen's Hall in
+the other.
+
+But without going into the arguable points of this latest duel of the
+sexes, Mr. Punch, already in the last year which completes his
+fourth score, may be allowed to indulge in an old man's privilege
+of retrospect and incidentally to congratulate the ladies on the
+wonderful and triumphant progress they have made in instrumental art
+since the roaring 'forties. For in the 'forties women, though still
+supreme on the lyric stage, had hardly begun to assert themselves as
+executants, save on the pianoforte. _Punch_ well remembers LISZT--with
+the spelling of whose name he had considerable difficulty--in his
+meteoric pianofortitude. But the young WILMA NERUDA, who visited
+London in 1849, escaped his benevolent notice. She was then only ten.
+It was not until twenty years later that, as Madame NORMAN-NERUDA, she
+revisited London, proved that consummate skill could be combined with
+admirable grace in a woman-violinist, took her place as a leader of
+the quartet at the Monday "Pops," upset the tyranny of the pianoforte
+and harp as the only instruments suitable for the young person, and
+virtually created the professional woman-violinist. Indeed, she may
+be said to have at once made the fiddle fashionable and profitable for
+girls.
+
+On its invasion of Mayfair the pencil of DU MAURIER furnishes the best
+comment. Before 1869, woman-violinists were only single spies; now
+they are to be reckoned in battalions. And they no longer "play the
+easiest passages with the greatest difficulty," as was once said of
+an incompetent male pianist, but in all departments of technique and
+interpretation have fully earned Sir HENRY WOOD'S tribute to their
+skill, sincerity and delicacy. When the eminent conductor goes on, in
+his catalogue of their excellences, to say, "They do not drink,
+and they do not smoke as much as men," he reminds Mr. Punch of two
+historic sayings of a famous foreign conductor. The first was uttered
+at a rehearsal of the Venusberg music from _Tannhaeuser_: "Gentlemen,
+you play it as if you were teetotalers--_which you are not_." The
+other was his lament over a fine but uncertain wind-instrument player:
+"With ---- it is always Quench, Quench, Quench."
+
+Mr. Punch is old-fashioned enough to hope that, whether teetotalers
+or not, the ladies will leave trombones and tubas severely alone, and
+confine their instrumental energies mainly to the nice conduct of the
+leading strings--the aristocrats of the orchestra, the sovereigns of
+the chamber concert.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a butcher's advertisement:--
+
+    "SPECIAL PRE-WAR PORK, AND BEEF, SAUSAGES."--_Local Paper._
+
+While all in favour of old-fashioned Christmas fare, here we draw the
+line.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Enough butter to cover 265,000,000 slices of bread was
+    produced in Manitoba this year. Of 8,250,000,000 pounds
+    produced, 4,100,000 has been exported."--_Canadian Paper._
+
+Thirty-one pounds of butter to the slice is certainly the most
+tempting inducement to Canadian immigration we have yet noticed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE INSPIRED MUSICIAN AND THE CHRISTMAS HAM.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)_
+
+I can't help thinking that Mr. H. G. HIBBERT has not chosen altogether
+the right name for his second volume of theatrical and Bohemian
+gossip, _A Playgoer's Memories_ (GRANT RICHARDS). It is not so
+unsophisticated as the title had somehow led me to expect. Indeed
+"unsophisticated" is perhaps the last epithet that could justly be
+applied to Mr. HIBBERT'S memories. I fancy I had unconsciously been
+looking for something more in the style of my own ignorant playgoing.
+"How wonderful she was in that scene with the broker's man," or "Do
+you remember the opening of the Third Act?" Not thus Mr. HIBBERT. For
+him the play itself is far less the thing than a peg upon which
+to hang all sorts of tags and bobtails of recollection, financial,
+technical and just not scandalous because of the discretion of the
+telling. His book is a repository of theatrical information, but the
+great part of it of more absorbing concern for the manager's-room or
+the stage-door than, say, the dress circle. But I must not be wanting
+in gratitude for the entertainment which, for all this carping, I
+certainly derived from it. As an expert on stage finance, for example,
+to-day and forty years back, Mr. HIBBERT has revelations that may well
+cause the least concerned to marvel. And there is an appendix, which
+gives a list of Drury Lane pantomimes, with casts, for half a century,
+including, of course, the incomparable first one; but that is not
+a memory of this world. A book to be kept for odd references in two
+senses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CULPABLE NEGLIGENCE ON THE PART OF AN EDITOR OF AN
+ILLUSTRATED PAPER. IMPENDING LIBEL ACTIONS.
+
+CAPTAIN ERIC BLIGHTMAN, WHOSE ENGAGEMENT TO LADY SARAH HUBB HAS JUST
+BEEN ANNOUNCED.
+
+BASHER SMITH, EX-HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF STEPNEY, WHO IS TO ACT AS
+REFEREE AT THE CORKERY-HACKETT FIGHT ON FRIDAY.]
+
+[Transcriber's Note: The captions were reversed.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What most interfered with my peace of mind over _The Happy Highways_
+(HEINEMANN) was, I think, its almost entire absence of highway, and
+the exceedingly unhappy nature of its confused and uncharted lanes.
+Indeed, I am wondering now if the title may not have been an instance
+of bitter irony on the part of Miss STORM JAMESON. Certainly a more
+formless mass of writing never within my experience masqueraded as a
+novel. There are ideas and reflections--these last mostly angry and
+vaguely socialistic--and here and there glimpses of illusory narrative
+about a group of young persons, brothers and a girl-friend, who live
+at Herne Hill, attend King's College and talk (oh, but interminably)
+the worst pamphlet-talk of the pre-war age. It is, I take it, a
+reviewer's job to stifle his boredom and push on resolutely through
+the dust to find what good, if any, may be hidden by it. I will admit
+therefore some vague interest in the record of how the War hit such
+persons as these. Also (to the credit of the author as tale-teller)
+she does allow one of the young men to earn a scholarship, and for
+no sane reason to depart instantly thereupon before the mast of a
+sailing-ship; also another, the central figure, to fall in love
+with the girl. The book is in three parts, of which the third is
+superfluously specialized as "chaos." Whether Miss JAMESON will yet
+write a story I am unable to say; I rather wonder, however, that
+Messrs. HEINEMANN did not suggest to her that these heterogeneous
+pages would furnish excellent material for the experiment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have discovered that Miss PEGGY WEBLING has quite a remarkable
+talent for making ordinary places and people seem improbable. She
+achieves this in _Comedy Corner_ (HUTCHINSON) by sketching in her
+scenery quite competently and then allowing her characters to live
+lives, amongst it, so fraught with coincidence, so swayed by the most
+unlikely impulses, that a small draper's shop, a West End "Hattery"
+and an almshouse for old actresses become the most extraordinary
+places on earth, where anything might happen and nobody would be
+surprised. _Winnie_, her heroine, behaves more improbably than anyone
+else, but she is such a dear little goose that most amiable readers
+will be quite glad that she doesn't have to suffer as much as such
+geese would if they existed in real life. You can see from this that
+it is one of those books that are full of real niceness and goodwill,
+and it has besides plenty of plot and lots of interesting characters,
+and yet somehow it gives you the feeling of being out of focus. You
+read on, expecting every moment that clever Miss WEBLING will give
+things a little push in the right direction and make them seem true,
+and, while you are reading and hoping, you come to the happy ending.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Should you enter _The Gates of Tien T'ze_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) you
+will not regret it, but it is possible that you may be--as I was--a
+little breathless before the end of this vehement story is reached.
+The average tale of criminals and detectives is not apt to move
+slowly, but here Mr. LESLIE HOWARD GORDON maintains the speed of a
+half-mile relay race. I am not going to reveal his mystery except
+to say that _Tien T'ze_ was a Chinese organisation which perpetrated
+crimes, and that _Donald Craig_, _Kyrle Durand_--his secretary
+(female) and cousin--and _Bruce MacIvor_, superintendent of the
+Criminal Investigation Department, were employed in tracking it down
+and smashing it to pieces. Never have I met anyone in fiction (let
+fact alone) so clever as _Kyrle_ in getting herself and her friends
+out of tight places. When _Craig_ and _MacIvor_ were so beset by _Tien
+T'ze_ that their last hour seemed to have come I found myself saying,
+"It is time for _Kyrle_ to emerge from her machine," and she emerged.
+In a novel of this _genre_ it is essential that the excitement should
+never fall below fever-heat, but Mr. GORDON'S book does better than
+that; its temperature would, I think, burst any ordinary thermometer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Vicar's Study Circle is now engaged in considering the
+    teaching of what is known as the 'Higher Criticism.' All
+    interested are invited to attend, whatever sex they may claim
+    to possess."
+
+    --_Parish Magazine._
+
+The Vicar evidently possesses the open mind so necessary for
+discussions of this sort.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: EPILOGUE]
+
+
+AS WE SEE OTHERS: A CANDID APPRECIATION OF U.S.A.
+
+The liner _de luxe_ had swung in past Sandy Hook, and the tender had
+already come alongside with its mail and Press-gang. There ensued a
+furious race to interview the most distinguished passenger, and it
+was by the representative of _The Democratic Elevator_, who got
+there first, that the Sage, in the very act of recording the emotions
+provoked by his first sky-scraper, was _aborde_.
+
+"Mr. Punch, I guess?" said he. "Pleased to meet you, Sir. And what do
+you think of the American nation?"
+
+"Shall I tell you now," asked Mr. Punch, "or wait till I've actually
+seen it?"
+
+"Right here," said the interviewer, and drew his note-book.
+
+"Well," began Mr. Punch, "I think a good deal of it--I mean, I think a
+good deal about it. And it nearly always makes me smile. Of course you
+won't understand why it nearly always makes me smile, because we
+don't see fun in the same things. You don't appreciate our humour, and
+therefore you say that we haven't any. And if we don't appreciate
+your humour that proves again that we haven't any. So you'll never
+understand why it makes me smile, sometimes gently and sometimes
+rather bitterly, to think about your nation; but I'll tell you just
+the same.
+
+"In the first place, what you call 'America' is only a small fraction
+of the American continent, not even as large as British North America.
+And in the second place what you call your 'nation'--well, some rude
+person once said of it that it isn't really a nation at all, but just
+a picnic. I won't go so far as that, but I hardly suppose you will be
+much better pleased if I call it a League of Nations. That is a phrase
+that you hate, because your President WILSON loves it.
+
+"By the way, I must be very careful how I speak of your President,
+because you're so sensitive on that subject. You allow yourselves to
+abuse him as the head of a political party, but if other nations so
+much as question his omniscience he suddenly becomes the Head of
+a Sovereign State. An English Cabinet Minister once told me how an
+American gave vent in conversation to the most violent language in
+regard to the policy of the President of the day, and when at the end
+the Englishman very quietly said, 'I am inclined to agree with you,'
+the American turned on him in a fury, saying: 'Sir, I didn't come here
+to have my country insulted!'
+
+"However, to return to your League of Nations. In England (where I
+come from) they are just now reviving a play by Mr. ISRAEL ZANGWILL,
+in which, if I recall it rightly, he makes out your country to be the
+Melting Pot into which every sort of fancy alien type is thrown, and
+turned out a pattern American citizen, a member of a United Family. I
+wish I could believe it. It seems to us that your German, even after
+passing through the Melting Pot, remains a German; that your Irishman,
+however much he Americanises himself for purposes of political power
+and graft, remains an Irishman. You never seem to get together as a
+nation, except when you go to war, and even then you don't keep it
+up, for you're not together now, although you're still at war with
+Germany. The rest of the time you seem to spend in having Elections
+and 'placating' (I think that's what you call it) the German interest,
+or the negro interest, or the Sinn Fein interest.
+
+"And this brings me to the point that makes me smile most of all--when
+it doesn't make me weep. Isn't it a pathetic thing that a really great
+and strong people like you should be so weak and little as to let your
+Press sympathise blatantly with the campaign of murder in Ireland; to
+suffer that campaign to be actively assisted by American gunmen; to
+look on while it is being financed by American money, here employed in
+conjunction with the resources of that very Bolshevism which you take
+care to treat as criminal in your own country?
+
+"Isn't it pitiful that you should regard reprisals (hateful though
+they may be) as worse than the hideous murders which provoked them;
+forgetting your own addiction to lynch law; forgetting too (as some
+of our own people forget) that the sanctity of the law depends as much
+upon the goodwill and assistance of the populace as it does upon the
+police, and cannot else be maintained?
+
+"Indeed your memory is not very good. Your Monroe Doctrine, which
+insists that nobody from outside shall interfere with your affairs,
+escapes you whenever you want to interfere with other people's. You
+even forget, at convenient times, your own Civil War. Just as there
+was not a protest made by you against the methods of our blockade of
+Germany for which an answer could not be found in some precedent set
+by you in that War of North and South, so now the best answer to your
+sympathy with the preposterous claims of an Irish Republic is to be
+found in those four years in which you fought so bloodily to preserve
+the integrity of your own Union.
+
+"Yet you let men like DE VALERA go at large proclaiming the brutal
+tyranny of the alien Saxon and advertising his country as a Sovereign
+State--all because you have to 'placate' the Irish interest. I should
+very much like to hear what you would think of us if at our Elections
+we ran an Anti-You campaign and even made Intervention a plank in our
+platform (as one of your Parties did) for the sake of 'placating' the
+niggers or the Cubans or the Filipinos or any other sort of Dago in
+our midst.
+
+"Of course we are told--and of course I believe it--that the 'best'
+American sentiment is all right. But, if so, it must be cherished by a
+very select few, or they would never tolerate a condition of things so
+rotten that, unless your coming President finds some cure for it, you
+are like to become the laughing-stock of Europe. I am almost tempted
+to go into the Melting Pot myself and show you, as none but an
+American citizen would ever be allowed to show you, how it is to be
+done. Unfortunately I am too busy elsewhere, putting my own country
+right.
+
+"But to conclude--for I see that we are drawing close to the
+landing-stage--I do hope that in my desire to be genial I have not
+been too flattering. No true friend ever flatters. And in my heart,
+which has some of our common blood in it (notoriously thicker than
+water), I cannot help loving your country, and would love it better
+still if only it gave me a better chance. Indeed, I belong at home to
+a Society for the Promotion of Anglo-American Friendship. More than
+that"--and here the Sage was seen to probe into a voluminous and
+bulging breast-pocket--"I have brought with me a token of affection
+designed to stimulate a mutual cordiality."
+
+"_Not_ a flask of whisky?" exclaimed the representative of _The
+Democratic Elevator_, suddenly moved to animation.
+
+"No, not that, not that, my child," said Mr. Punch, "but something
+far, far better for you; something that gives you, among other less
+serious matter, a record of the way in which we in England, with
+private troubles of our own no easier than yours to bear, and
+exhausted with twice as many years of sacrifice in the War of Liberty
+(whose colossal effigy I have just had the pleasure to remark), still
+try to play an honourable part in that society of nations from which
+you have apparently resolved, for your better ease and comfort, to cut
+yourselves off. Be good enough to accept, in the spirit of benevolence
+in which I offer it, this copy of my
+
+ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINTH VOLUME."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Index]
+
+
+
+CARTOONS.
+
+
+PARTRIDGE, BERNARD
+  Aladdin and the Miner's Lamp      311
+  Bad for the Bull      51
+  Cap of Liberty: Le Dernier Cri      191
+  Close Corporation (A)      351
+  Economists (The)      471
+  Experts (The)      291
+  Folly of Athens (The)      411
+  German Invasion (A)       431
+  Great Repudiation (The)      231
+  "House"-Breaker (The)      151
+  If Winston Set the Fashion--      111
+  League of Youth (The)      91
+  Micawber and Son      511
+  Moral Suasion      71
+  Prince Comes Home (The)      271
+  Problem (The)       131
+  Road to Economy (The)       451
+  Salvage       251
+  Scales of Justice (The)      331
+  Session of Common Sense (A)       171
+  Shrine of Honour (The)      371
+  Snowed Under      211
+  Verdun      491
+  Worth a Trial      391
+
+RAVEN-HILL, L.
+  Abysmalists (The)      383
+  Balm for the Sick Man      423
+  Blue Ribbon of the Sea (The)      83
+  Boblet (The)      463
+  Encourage Home Industries      363
+  Evil Communications      43
+  Good Fairy Georgina (The)      503
+  Iconoclast (The)      123
+  I. O. U.      11
+  Labor Omnia Vincit      443
+  Last Straw (The)      403
+  "Lion of Lucerne (The)"       143
+  Our Parish Church      31
+  Our Village Sign      343
+  Out of the Frying-Pan      183
+  Polish Hug (The)      283
+  Prospective Jonah? (A)      263
+  Public Benefactor (The)      203
+  Real Music (The)      103
+  Resources of Civilisation (The)      303
+  Road to Ruin (The)      163
+  Sing a Song of Drachmas      483
+  Tartarin dans les Indes      243
+  Too-Free Country (A)      323
+
+REYNOLDS, FRANK
+  Under a Cloud (with a Golden Lining)      223
+
+TOWNSEND, F. H.
+  L'Enfant Terrible       3
+  Sea-view of the Situation (A)      63
+  Subject to Revision      23
+
+
+
+ARTICLES.
+
+
+ALLEN, INGLIS
+  Difference of Class (A)      208
+
+ANDERSON, MISS E. V. M.
+  Mudford Blight (The)      188
+
+ARMSTRONG, H.
+  Working for Peace      330
+
+BELL, NEIL
+  Cage (The)      349
+
+BIDDULPH, MISS VIOLET
+  In Defence of Dorothy       102
+
+BIRD, A. W.
+  Cricket Mannerism (A)      22
+  Edward and the B.O.F.      98
+  Fine Old Fruity (The)      490
+  Stuttfield and the Reds      374
+  Twenty Years On      55
+
+BLAIKLEY, MISS E. L.
+  Pamela's Alphabet      270
+
+BRETHERTON, CYRIL
+  Charivaria      weekly
+  To Isis      76
+  Vignettes of Scottish Sport      458
+
+BROWN, C. L. M.
+  Our Invincible Navy      362
+
+BROWN, HILTON
+  Blue Mountains (The)      136
+  Nimrod      195
+  Santamingoes      24
+
+BRYANT, A. W. M.
+  Kings and Queens      224
+
+BUDGEN, C. G.
+  Language for Logic (The)      422
+
+CAMERON, C. F.
+  Taxation of Virtue (The)      214
+
+CASSON, C. R.
+  Eve Victorious      466
+  Humourist (The)      488
+  Light Fantastic (The)      366
+  Word Chains      28
+
+CHALMERS, P. R.
+  Kelpie (The)      149
+  Visionary (The)      124
+
+CHANDLER, MISS B. W.
+  Coup for _The Daily Trail_ (A)      182
+  Our Pastoral      36
+
+CLARK, DUDLEY
+  Badly Synged      82
+
+CROSS, W. H.
+  Cures for Insomnia      470
+
+DARMADY, E. S.
+  Peculiar Case of Toller (The)      75
+
+DARMADY, E. S. & J.
+  Human City and Suburban (The)      184
+  Superfection Laundry (The)      342
+
+DAVIES, MISS S. M.
+  Prodigies (The)      202
+  Sources of Laughter      385
+
+DYER, A. E. R.
+  Knell of the Navy (The)      246
+  Passing of Alfred (The)      298
+
+EASTWOOD, CAPTAIN
+  Rabbits' Game (The)      144
+
+ECKERSLEY, ARTHUR
+  Squatters      105
+
+FARROW, R. S.
+  New Journalism (The)      370
+
+FAY, S. J.
+  Authorship for All      46, 66
+  Dissimulation of Suzanne      176
+  My Right-Hand Man      234
+  Sayings of Barbara (The)      388
+
+FOX-SMITH, MISS C.
+  All Sorts      46
+  Nitrates      86
+  Ship in a Bottle (A)      230
+  Yarns      390
+
+FRANKLIN, BERNARD
+  Ballad of the Early Worm (A)      265
+
+FYLEMAN, MISS ROSE
+  Check by the Queen      306
+  Consolation      264
+  Fairy Tailor (The)      482
+  Queen's Counsel      88
+  Rainy Morning      253
+  Wedding Presents      186
+
+GARLAND, A. P.
+  Patient's Library (The)      118
+  Place of the Trombone in the Band (The)      428
+  Romance of Book-making (The)      2
+  Timon      1
+
+GARSTIN, CROSBIE
+  Barrel of Beef (The)      456
+  Down Channel      77
+  Fair (The)      110
+  Letter to the Back-Blocks      324
+  Old Woman's House Rock, Scilly      213
+  Our Heavy-Waits      464
+  Reefs (The)      30
+  Spanish Ledges      237
+
+GILLMAN, W. H.
+  Counter-Irritant (The)      108
+  Headlining      318
+  Very Personal      255
+
+GOODHART, MRS. H.
+  Logs to Burn      337
+
+GRAVES, C. L.
+  Between Two Stools      226
+  British Tarpon (The)      198
+  Changes in Club-Land      130
+  Cry of the Adult Author (The)      345
+  Cures Worth Making      38
+  Fashion and Physique      210
+  Footnote to the "Bab Ballads"      408
+  From Spa and Shore      122
+  Happy Gardener (The)      398
+  Mixed Meteorological Maxims      269
+  New Utopia (The)      366
+  Our Lucky Dippers      442
+  Our Natural History Column      69
+  Prawling's Theory      316
+  Puss at the Palace      490
+  Revival of the Fittest (The)      116
+  Revival of Ollendorff      335
+  Revolt of Youth (The)      168
+  St. Cecilia of Cremona       514
+  State and the Screen (The)      50
+  To Certain Cautious Prophets      256
+  To General Oi      198
+  Tragedy of Reaction (A)      19
+  Two Studies in Musical Criticism      276
+  When and If      289
+
+GREENLAND, GEORGE
+  Miriam's Two Babies      254
+
+HARWOOD, A. C.
+  How to Build a House      176
+
+HASELDEN, PERCY
+  Old Beer Flagon (The)       358
+
+HERBERT, A. P.
+  Art of Poetry (The)      164
+  Autobiography Shocker (The)       313
+  Contemporary Folksongs        384
+  Criminal Type (A)       62
+  Euclid in Real Life      346
+  Foul Game (A)      495
+  Grasshopper (The)        42
+  Happy Hoots (The)       502
+  Heart of Mine       88
+  If They were at School      408
+  Korban Bath (The)      288
+  Little Bits of London      468
+  Little Horse (The)        26
+  Mystery (The)      126
+  Mystery of the Apple-pie Beds      268
+  New Rhymes for Old Children  186, 215, 234, 244, 295, 306, 329, 350,
+  365, 416, 426, 455, 475, 485, 510
+  On with the Dance      6
+  Private Film (The)      338
+  Seven Whitebait      206
+  Spider (The)      116
+  Thoughts on _The Times_      148
+  White Spat (The)      448
+
+HEYER, GEORGE
+  Rhymes of the Underground 95, 115, 176, 193
+
+HODGKINSON, T.
+  Best Laid Schemes (The)      66
+  Devoted Lover (The)      270
+  First Love and Last       146
+  Home from Home (A)      225
+  Love's Handicap      318
+  _Mens Conscia Mali_      106
+  Ministering Angel (The)      85
+  Note on the Drama (A)      450
+  Sartorial Tragedy (A)      398
+  Vanished Glory       7
+  Warning from the Sky (A)       513
+
+HOLMES, CAPT. W. K.
+  Ben and the Boot (The)      233
+  Territorial (The)      137
+  To James in the Bath      250
+  Victim of Fashion (A)      96
+
+HOLT, E. C.
+  Songs of an Ovalite      45
+
+JACKSON, LIEUT. GERALD, R.N.
+  Difficult Case (A)      410
+
+JAGGER, ARTHUR
+  Elfin Tennis      405
+  _Rara Avis_      182
+  Westward Ho!      169
+
+JAY, THOMAS
+  Charivaria      weekly
+  Questions      449
+
+JENKINS, ERNEST
+  Barker that Missed Fire (The)      510
+  Downing of the Pen (The)      354
+  Improving "Hansard"      434
+  My Dromedary      78
+  Premier's Metaphors (The)      386
+  Should Millionaires read Homer?      58
+  Shrimp Test (The)      253
+  Solving the Holiday Fare Problem      81
+  When Charl. comes over      18
+
+KIDD, ARTHUR
+  Another War to End War      175
+  More Secret History      326
+  Our "Promised" Land      429
+  Passing of the Cradle (The)     205
+
+KILPATRICK, MRS.
+  Elizabeth Goes on Holiday      64
+  Elizabeth Goes to the Sales       4
+  Elizabeth Outwitted      284
+  Elizabeth's Christmas      504
+  Ernest Experiments      315
+  Hard Times for Heroines      146
+
+KING, P. J.
+  Ministry for Heroes (The)      294
+
+KITCHIN, HARCOURT
+  My Rat       25
+
+KNOX, E. V.
+  About Conferences      326
+  About Golf      462
+  Coal Cup (The)      204
+  Converted Castles      48
+  D'Annunzio Dialogue (A)      406
+  George, Jane and Lenin      153
+  Gone Away!      302
+  Handy Man (The)      228
+  Harding and Cox       37
+  I remember--I remember      70
+  Maybirds      506
+  Miners' Opera (The)      262
+  More Pay for M.P.s      438
+  My Apologia      377
+  On Running Down to Brighton      190
+  Priscilla Paints       18
+  Priscilla Plays Fairies      446
+  Proof Positive      344
+  Sand Sports      170
+  September in My Garden      244
+  Squish      106
+  Taffy the Fox      486
+  Thoughts in a Cold Snap       484
+  Unauthentic Impressions       364, 382, 404, 424, 444
+  Ways and Means      68
+  Yet One More Plan for Ireland      282
+
+LAMBURN, MISS R. C.
+  Anniversary (The)      118
+  Birthday Present (The)      94
+  Strike in Fairyland (A)      356
+  Way Out of the Present Unrest      238
+
+LANGLEY, F. O.
+  Boot Mystery (The)      414
+  Conspirators (The)   248, 266, 286, 308, 328, 348
+  Genf and the League of Nations      368
+  King's Messenger (The)       8
+  Lucerne       154
+  Mountain and the Prophets (The)      476
+  Movement in the Money Market      189
+  Story about a Clock (A)      38
+
+LEWIS, M. A.
+  Tragedy in Birdland (A)      395
+  Transmigration of Bowles (The)      128
+  _Vade Mecums_      96
+
+LEYS, MISS H. M.
+  Flowers' Names  57, 78, 90, 104, 122, 145, 198, 206, 229, 273, 298
+
+LOCKER, W. A.
+  Essence of Parliament     weekly during Session
+
+LUCAS, E. V.
+  Among the Pedestals      122
+  Brown Lady (The)      430
+  Buckler's      76
+  Cabman and the Coin (The)     246
+  Cynosure (The)      397
+  Dining Gladiator (The)    304, 322
+  Down-our-Court Circular      117
+  End of the Season (The)      194
+  For Ourselves Alone      296
+  Honours Easy      274
+  If We All Took to Margotry      142
+  Letters I never Post (The)      416
+  Letters I never Posted       508
+  More Margobiography      102
+  Mother-in-law Mystery (The)      376
+  Other Half (The)      476
+  Philosophers      22
+  Points of View      56
+  Privileges of Margotism (The)      166
+  Ring in the Old      358
+  Succulent Comedians (The)      84
+  "Suggestions"      496
+  That Tea Interval      216
+  Three Exceptional Men      15
+  Wire and Barbed Wire      226
+
+MARTIN, N. R.
+  Sniper (The)      406
+  Tips for Uncles      49
+
+MAY, H. R. D.
+  Whiff of the Briny (A)      162
+
+MORRISON, A. C. L.
+  Language Difficulty (The)      218
+
+NORRISS, CECIL
+  Charivaria      weekly
+
+NOTT-BOWER, W. G.
+  "G.B.R.L."      435
+
+OGILVIE, W. H.
+  Opening Run (The)      357
+
+PENNEY, F. G.
+  To a Clerical Golfing Friend      455
+
+PHELPS, S. K.
+  Ministry of Ancestry (The)      222
+  Pigs      258
+
+PLATT, F. W.
+  Wail of the Wasp (The)      238
+
+PLUMBE, C. C.
+  Roses all the Way      86
+
+PRESTON-TEWART, A.
+  Bridge Conventions      242
+
+RICHARDSON, R. J.
+  Cubbin' thro' the Rye      266
+  Headgear for Heroes      229
+  Room at the Back (The)      174
+  Scene at the Club (A)      74
+
+RIGBY, REGINALD
+  Great Idea (The)      394
+  Little Moa (The)      265
+  Piglets      56
+  Prone      149
+  What to do with our Boys      136
+
+SALVIDGE, STANLEY
+  Belles of the Ball      402
+
+SEAMAN, OWEN
+  Apology to the Bench (An)      142
+  Ashes (The)      222
+  As We See Others      517
+  At the Play   158, 196, 236, 256, 275, 336, 378, 418, 514
+  "Christmas Spirit (The)"      482
+  Dark Ages (The)      442
+  Doggerel      202
+  Falling Prices      302
+  How to Vitalise the Drama      382
+  Lessons from Nature      262
+  Michaelmas and the Goose      242
+  Mr. Smillie's Little Armageddon      162
+  Poet-Laureate and his German Friends (The)      342
+  Standard Golf-Ball (The)      422
+  To the Lion of Lucerne      462
+  To our Play-Makers      282
+  Unknown Warrior (The)      370
+
+SILSBY, MISS E.
+  Late Worm (The)      322
+
+SMITH, E. A.
+  One Touch of Dickens      436
+
+SPENDER, MISS B. E.
+  Unlikely Story (An)      438
+
+STUART, MISS D. M.
+  Before the Cenotaph      362
+  Chantry (The)      298
+
+TAYLOR, S. J.
+  To a Maker of Pills      150
+
+THORNHILL, J. F. P.
+  Beau Brimacombe      396
+
+THORP, JOSEPH
+  At the Play   44, 125, 276, 456
+
+TROTTER, MRS. A. F.
+  Moon-Seller (The)      216
+
+WESTBROOK, H. W.
+  Beginner (The)      109
+
+WHITAKER, V.
+  Nocturne       58
+
+WHITE, E. P.
+  Another Garden of Allah      108
+  Goldwire and Poppyseed      9
+  Racing as a Business      426
+  _Si Jeunesse Savait_      310
+  Taste of Authority (A)      138
+  "To Him that hath ..."      156
+  Vacillating Policy (A)      398
+
+WHITE, R. F.
+  Increased Output      402
+  Type-Slinger (The)      334
+
+WHITMARSH, F. J.
+  Guide to Greatness (A)      330
+  Peerless Provincial (The)      297
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+PICTURES AND SKETCHES.
+
+
+ARMOUR, G. D., 159, 215, 233, 248, 279, 295, 339, 379, 419, 439, 459,
+479, 513
+
+BATEMAN, H. M., 16, 17, 35, 187, 257, 267
+
+BAUMER, LEWIS, 119, 190, 207, 224, 250, 270, 330, 390, 430, 450, 490,
+510
+
+BELCHER, GEORGE, 75, 97
+
+BIRD, W., 40, 61, 161, 177, 308, 417, 435, 461
+
+BROCK, H. M., 9, 57, 89, 109, 297, 364, 415
+
+BROOK, RICARDO, 300
+
+COTTRELL, TOM, 169, 474
+
+CURRY, J. R., 280
+
+DOWD, J. H., 28, 100, 148, 160, 168, 178, 181, 188, 241, 261, 361,
+428, 501
+
+EARNSHAW, HAROLD, 341, 345
+
+"FOUGASSE", 27, 47, 87, 101, 121, 154, 227, 277, 287, 317, 369, 407,
+447, 477, 487, 500
+
+FRASER, PETER, 105, 221, 268, 288, 328, 399, 420
+
+GAMMON, REGINALD, 139, 209
+
+GARSTIN, CROSBIE, 21
+
+GHILCHIK, D. L., 41, 218
+
+GRAVE, CHARLES, 19, 25, 99, 125, 204, 249, 293, 395, 465
+
+HARRISON, CHARLES, 356, 376, 499
+
+HASELDEN, W. K., 276, 336, 418, 456
+
+HENRY, THOMAS, 48, 488
+
+JENNIS, G., 77, 144, 259, 316, 337, 359
+
+LLEWELLYN, MAJOR W., 498
+
+LLOYD, A. W., 13, 33, 34, 53, 54, 73, 74, 93, 94, 113, 133, 134, 333,
+353, 354, 373, 374, 393, 413, 414, 433, 434, 453, 473, 493, 512
+
+MARTIN, L. B., 114
+
+MILLS, A. WALLIS, 30, 45, 70, 127, 153, 164, 210, 278, 289, 315, 335,
+355, 377, 409, 424, 457, 475, 485, 504
+
+MORELAND, ARTHUR, 141, 174, 201, 319, 394
+
+MORRISON, J., 138
+
+MORROW, EDWIN, 388
+
+MORROW, GEORGE, 60, 80, 120, 140, 180, 195, 220, 237, 260, 273, 320,
+340, 360, 380, 400, 410, 440, 460, 480, 495, 516
+
+NORRIS, ARTHUR, 68, 348, 397
+
+OWEN, WILL, 385
+
+PARTRIDGE, BERNARD, 1
+
+PETT, NORMAN, 20, 36, 98, 228, 258, 301, 421, 446
+
+PRANCE, BERTRAM, 79, 117, 137, 299, 436, 468
+
+RAVEN-HILL, L., 37, 55, 95, 189, 253, 269, 334, 396, 478, 497, 518
+
+REYNOLDS, FRANK, 4, 24, 44, 64, 84, 104, 124, 157, 158, 170, 184, 194,
+196, 213, 236, 239, 244, 275, 284, 304, 327, 344, 367, 389, 404, 427,
+444, 464, 484, 509
+
+RIDGEWELL, W. L., 14, 128
+
+ROWNTREE, HARRY, 149
+
+SHEPARD, E. H., 10, 107, 130, 167, 197, 234, 254, 264, 455, 515
+
+SHEPHERD, J. A., 217
+
+SHEPPERSON, C. A., 67, 147, 247, 347, 469, 507
+
+SIMMONS, GRAHAM, 173
+
+SMITH, A. T., 50, 135, 145, 179, 240, 294, 313, 357, 368, 375
+
+SPEED, LANCELOT, 78, 235, 305
+
+STAMPA, G. L., 15, 29, 59, 85, 155, 175, 199, 219, 229, 274, 307, 329,
+350, 365, 387, 425, 454, 467, 489
+
+TERRY, STAN, 81, 200, 208, 281, 321, 381, 401, 441
+
+THOMAS, BERT, 7, 69, 115, 185, 214, 225, 255, 285, 309, 324, 405, 494,
+505
+
+THORP, J. H., 296, 314, 429
+
+TOWNSEND, F. H., 5, 39, 49, 65, 90, 110, 129, 150, 165, 193, 205, 230,
+245, 265, 290, 310, 325, 349, 370, 384, 408, 437, 449, 470, 506
+
+WOOD, STARR, 445
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+159, December 29, 1920, by Various
+
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author	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-15 01:22:34 -0700
committer	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-15 01:22:34 -0700
commit	38b79be0d9053b21d1c58b46f4d540e1e6eebb5f (patch)
tree	fd08a4c17008b7ccf6249c06e79ee59697f880bb