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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/19829.txt b/19829.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7da98d --- /dev/null +++ b/19829.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3631 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Knocking the Neighbors, by George Ade + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Knocking the Neighbors + +Author: George Ade + +Illustrator: Albert Leverrin + +Release Date: November 16, 2006 [EBook #19829] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KNOCKING THE NEIGHBORS *** + + + + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + + + + + +KNOCKING THE +NEIGHBORS + +BY GEORGE ADE +AUTHOR OF +"THE COLLEGE WIDOW," "FABLES IN SLANG," ETC. + +_Illustrated by Albert Leverin_ + +GARDEN CITY NEW YORK +DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY +1912 + +_Copyright, 1911, 1912, by_ +GEORGE ADE + +_Copyright, 1912, by_ +DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY + +_All rights reserved, including that of +translation into foreign languages, +including the Scandinavian_ + + +CONTENTS +The Roystering Blades +The Flat-Dweller +The Advantage of a Good Thing +The Common Carrier +The Heir and the Heiress +The Undecided Bachelors +The Wonderful Meal of Vittles +The Galloping Pilgrim +The Progressive Maniac +Cognizant of our Shortcomings +The Divine Spark +Two Philanthropic Sons +The Juvenile and Mankind +The Honeymoon That Tried to Come Back +The Local Pierpont +The Life of the Party +The Galumptious Girl +Everybody's Friend and the Line-Bucker +The Through Train +The Long and Lonesome Ride +Out of Class B into the King Row +The Boy Who Was Told +The Night Given over to Revelry +He Should Have Overslept +The Dancing Man +The Collision +How Albert Sat In +The Treasure in the Strong Box +The Old-Fashioned Prosecutor +The Unruffled Wife and the Gallus Husband +Books Made to Balance +The Two Unfettered Birds +The Telltale Tintype + +ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted] + +KNOCKING THE NEIGHBORS + + +THE ROYSTERING BLADES + +Out in the Celery Belt of the Hinterland there is a stunted Flag-Station. + +Number Six, carrying one Day Coach and a Combination Baggage and Stock +Car, would pause long enough to unload a Bucket of Oysters and take on +a Crate of Eggs. + +In this Settlement the Leading Citizens still wear Gum Arctics with +large Buckles, and Parched Corn is served at Social Functions. + +Two highly respected Money-Getters of pure American Stock held forth in +this lonesome Kraal and did a General Merchandizing. + +One was called Milt, in honor of the Blind Poet, and the other claimed +the following brief Monicker, to wit: Henry. + +These two Pillars of Society had marched at the head of the Women and +School Children during the Dry Movement which banished King Alcohol +from their Fair City. + +As a result of their Efforts, Liquor was not to be obtained in this +Town except at the Drug Stores and Restaurants or in the Cellar +underlying any well-conducted Home. + +For Eleven Months and Three Weeks out of every Calendar Year these two +played Right and Left Tackle in the Stubborn Battle to Uplift the +Community and better the Moral Tone. + +They walked the Straight and Narrow, wearing Blinders, Check-Reins, +Hobbles and Interference Pads. + +Very often a Mother would hurry her little Brood to the Front Window +when Milt or Henry passed by, carrying under his arm a Package of Corn +Flakes and the Report of the General Secretary in charge of Chinese +Missionary Work. + +"Look!" she would say, indicating Local Paragon with index Finger. "If +you always wash behind the Ears and learn your Catechism, you may grow +up to be like Him." + +But--every Autumn, about the time the Frost is on the Stock Market +and Wall Street is in the Shock, Milt and Henry would do a Skylark +Ascension from the Home Nest and Wing away toward the rising Sun. + +They called it Fall Buying because both of them Bought and both of them +Fell. + +At Home neither of them would Kick In for any Pastime more worldly than +a 10-cent M. P. Show depicting a large number of Insane People falling +over Precipices. + +The Blow-Off came on the Trip to the City. That was the Big +Entertainment. + +Every Nickel that could be held out went into the little Tin Bank, for +they knew that when they got together 100 of these Washers, a man up +in New York would let them have some Tiffany Water of Rare Vintage, +with a Napkin wrapped around it as an Evidence of Good Faith. + +On Winter Evenings Milt would don the Velvet Slippers and grill his +Lower Extremities on the ornate Portico such as surrounds every high- +priced Base-Burner. + +While thus crisping himself he loved to read New Notes from Gotham. + +He believed what it said in the Paper about a well-known Heiress having +the Teeth of her favorite Pomeranian filled with Radium at a Cost of +$120,000. + +Whenever he got this kind of a Private Peek into the Gay Life of the +Modern Babylon, he began to breathe through his Nose and tug at the +Leash. + +He longed to dash away on the Erie to look at the Iron Fence in front +of the House of the Pomeranian. + +When the Day of Days arrived, Milt and Henry would be seen at the Depot +with congested Suit-Case and their Necks all newly shaven and powdered +for the approaching Jubilee. + +Each had pinned into his college-made Suit enough Currency to lift the +Debt on the Parsonage. + +Furthermore, each had in his throbbing Heart a determination to shoot +Pleasure as it Flies, no matter how many Cartridges it took. + +Already they were smoking Foreign Cigars and these were a mere Hint of +what the Future had in Store. + +While waiting for Number Six they wired for Two Rooms and Two Baths and +to have Relays waiting in the Manicure Parlor. + +Up at the Junction, where they caught the Limited, they moved into the +High and began to peel from the Roll. + +The Steak ordered in the Dining Car hung over the edge of the Table and +they scuffled to see which one would pay the Check. + +As for the Boy in the Buffet, every time he heard a Sound like 25 Cents +he came out of the Dark Room and began to open small Original Packages. + +When they approached the Metropolis, via the Tunnel, they thought they +were riding in on a Curtiss Bi-Plane. + +Between the Taxi and the Register they stopped to shake hands with an +Old Friend who wore a White Suit and was known from Coast to Coast as +the originator of a Pick-Me-Up which called for everything back of the +Working Board except the License. + +The Clerk let on to remember them and quoted a Bargain Rate of Six +Dollars, meaning by the Day and not by the Month. + +They wanted to know if that was the Best he had and he said it was, as +the Sons of Ohio were having a Dinner in the Main Banquet Hall. + +So they ordered a lot of Supplies sent up to each Room and wanted to +know if there was a Good Show in Town--something that had been +denounced by the Press. + +The Clerk told of one in which Asbestos Scenery was used and Firemen +had to stand in the Wings, so they tore over to the News Stand and +bought two on the Aisle for $8 from a pale Goddess who kept looking at +the Ceiling all during the Negotiations, for she seemed out of Sympathy +with her Sordid Surroundings. + +Then to the Rooms with their glittering Bedsteads and insulting +prodigality of Towels. + +After calling up the Office to complain of the Service, they shook the +Moth Balls out of their Henry Millers and began to sort the Studs. + +When fully attired in Evening Clothes, including the Sheet-Iron Shoes, +they knew they looked like New York Club Men and the Flag Station +seemed far away, as in another World. + +Instead of the usual 6:30 Repast of Chipped Beef in Cream, Sody +Biscuits and a Stoup of Gunpowder Tea, they ordered up Cape Cods, +Pommes Let-it-go-at-that, Sweetbreads So-and-so, on and on past the +partially heated Duck and Salad with Fringe along the Edges and Cheese +that had waited too long and a Check for $17.40 and the Waiter peeved +at being slipped a paltry $1.60. + +Heigh-ho! It is a Frolicking Life! + +Pity the Poor Folks who are now getting ready to court the Hay in +Akron, Ohio, and Three Oaks, Michigan, and Tulsa, Oklahoma, with no +thought of what they are Missing. + +They remembered afterward being in a gilded Play-House with the +Activities equally divided between a Trap-Drummer and 700 restless +Young Women. + +Then, being assailed by the Pangs of Hunger, they went out and +purchased Crab Flakes at 20 cents a Flake, after which they paid to get +their Hats, and next Morning they were back in their rooms, entirely +surrounded by Towels. + +On the third Afternoon, Milt suspended Fall Buying long enough to send +his Family a Book of Views showing the Statue of Peter Cooper, the +Aviary in Bronx Park, and Brooklyn Bridge by Moonlight. + +Then, with a Clear Conscience, he went back and put his Foot on the Rail. + +The morning on which their Bodies were taken to Pennsylvania Station +broke bright and cheery. + +Milt said somebody had fed him a Steam Coie and put Mittens on him and +unscrewed his Knee-Caps. + +Otherwise, he was O. K.. + +Henry kept waving the English Sparrows out of the Way, and asking why +so many Bells were ringing. + +Two weeks later, at the Union Revival Services, when Rev. Poindexter +gave out that rousing old Stand-By which begins "Yield Not to +Temptation," Milt and Henry arose from the Cushioned Seats and sang +their fool Heads off. + +MORAL: One who would put Satan on the Mat must get Inside Information +from his Training Quarters. + + +THE FLAT-DWELLER + +Once there was a tired Denizen of the Big Town whose home was at the +end of a Hallway in a Rabbit Warren known as the Minnehaha. + +It was not a Tenement, because he had to pay $30 a Month for a +compressed Suite overlooking 640 acres of Gravel Roof. + +Sitting back in his Morris Chair with his Feet on the tiny Radiator he +would read in the Sunday Paper all that Bunk about the Down-and-Outs of +the City hiking back to the Soil and making $8,000 a year raising +Radishes. + +He saw the Pictures of the Waving Trees and the Growing Crops and the +oleaginous Natives and he yearned to get out where he wouldn't hear the +Trolleys in the Morning and the Kids could get Milk that came from a +Cow. + +So he gave up his Job in the Box Factory and moved out to Jasper +Township and tackled Intensive Farming. + +He had been Precinct Captain in the Ate Ward and by applying +Metropolitan Methods at the Yap Primaries he succeeded in breaking +into the Legislature and soon owned the Farm on which he lived and two +others besides. + +MORAL: One may get close to Nature, even in the Country. + + +THE ADVANTAGE OF A GOOD THING + +Once there was a prosperous Manufacturer who had made his Stake by +handling an every-day Commodity at a small Margin of Profit. + +One Morning the Representative of a large Concern dealing in guaranteed +Securities came in to sell him some gilt-edged Municipal Bonds that +would net a shade under 5 per cent. + +"I'll have to look into the Proposition very carefully," said the +Investor, as he tilted himself back in his jointed Chair. "I must have +the History of all previous Bond Issues under the same Auspices. Also +the Report of an Expert as to possible Shrinkage of Assets. Any +Investment should be preceded by a systematic and thorough +Investigation." + +Having delivered himself of this Signed Editorial he dismissed the Bond +Salesman and went back to his Morning Mail. + +The next Caller wore a broad Sombrero, leather Leggings, and a Bill +Cody Goatee--also the Hair down over the Collar. He looked as if he +had just escaped from a Medicine Show. After lowering the Curtains he +produced from a Leather Pouch a glistening Nugget which he had found in +a lonely Gulch near Death Valley. + +The careful Business Guy began to quiver like an Aspen and bought +10,000 shares at $2 a Share on a Personal Guarantee that it would go to +Par before Sept. 1st. + +MORAL: It all depends on the Bait. + + +THE COMMON CARRIER + +Once there was a little E-Flat Town that needed a Direct Communication +with a Trunk Line. + +A Promoter wearing Sunday Clothes and smoking 40-cent Cigars came out +from the City to see about it. + +The Daily Paper put him on the Front Page. Five Dollars was the Set- +Back for each Plate at the Banquet tendered him by the Mercantile +Association. A Bonus was offered, together with a Site for the Repair +Shops and the Round House. + +When the College Graduates in Khaki Suits began to drag Chains across +Lots, a wave of Joy engulfed Main Street from the Grain Elevator clear +out to the Creamery. + +Then came 10,000 Carusos, temporarily residing in Box Cars, to +disarrange the Face of Nature and put a Culvert over the Crick. Real +Estate Dealers emerged from their Holes and local Rip Van Winkles +began to sit up and rub their Eyes. + +One morning a Train zipped through the Cut and pulled up at the New +Station. + +The Road was an Assured Fact. The Rails were spiked down; the Rolling +Stock was in Commission; Trains were running according to Schedule. + +There was no longer any Reason for Waiting, so the Citizens hiked over +to the Court House and began to file Damage Suits. The Town Council +started in to pass Ordinances and the Board of Equalization whooped the +Taxes. + +Horny-handed Jurors hung around the Circuit Court-Room waiting for a +Chance to take a Wallop at the soulless Corporation. + +When the Promoter came along on a Tour of Inspection, the only Person +down to meet him was the Sheriff. + +Children in the Public School practised the new Oval Penmanship by +filling their Copy-Books with the following popular Catch-Line: "When +you have a Chance to Soak the Railroad, go to it." + +And the Trains never ran to suit Everybody. + +MORAL: Go easy with Capital until you get it Roped and Tied. + + +THE HEIR AND THE HEIRESS + +Once upon a Time there was a Work-Horse who used to lie awake Nights +framing up Schemes to Corral more Collateral to leave to the Olive +Branches. + +They may have looked like Jimpson Weeds to the rest of the World but +to Pa and Ma they were A-1 Olive Branches. + +Pa was a self made Proposition--Sole-Leather, Hand-Stitched and Four- +Ply, with Rivets around the Edge. + +His Business Career had been one long Rassle with Adverse +Circumstances. Nothing was ever handed to him on a Sheffield Tray +with Parsley around it. The World owed him a Living, but in order +to collect it he had to conduct his Arguments with a piece of Lead-Pipe. + +He was out for the Kids, if you know what that means. He was +collecting Hebrew Diplomas and he had a special Liking for the +light-colored Variety with a large C in the Corner. + +He was going to provide for his Family, regardless of what happened to +other Families. + +He had a little Office back of the Bank and made a Specialty of helping +those overtaken by Trouble. Any one in Financial Straits who went into +the Back Office to arrange for a Loan was expected to open Negotiations +by removing the Right Eye and laying it on the Table. + +Pa had Mormon Whiskers and a Mackerel Eye and wore a Shawl instead of +an Overcoat and kept a little Bag of Peppermint Drops in his Tail- +Pocket and walked Pussy-Foot and took more Stock in Isaiah than he did +in the Sermon on the Mount. + +The Above is merely a Rough Outline, but it will help you to understand +why his Wife preceded him to the Other Shore. + +She was a Good Woman who never formed the Matinee Habit and up to the +Day of her Death she could put her Hand on her Heart and truly say she +had not wasted any Money on Jewelry or Cut Flowers. + +But she could have written a large Book on how it feels to get up in +the Morning and stir a little Oatmeal. + +Pa and Ma saved and skimped and held out and trimmed and maneuvered for +Years. + +They had been brought up in the School of Hard Knocks, but they wanted +Bertrand and Isabel to go through Life on Ball Bearings. + +Pa finally went to his Reward, according to the Local Paper, and then +it came out that Bertrand and Isabel had $400,000 each, which was more +than Pa had ever turned in to the Assessor. + +These two Children had been sheltered from the Great World, although +never stinted in the matter of Sassafras Tea or the Privilege of +reading Books written by Josephus and others. + +As soon as he came into his inheritance, Bertrand looked about in a +startled Manner and then bought himself a Plush Hat and began to +cultivate Pimples. + +A few Days later he might have been seen riding in a Demonstrating Car +with a Salesman who wore Goggles and who told him that all the Swell +Guys were putting in Orders for the $6,200 Type with the jeweled Mud- +Guards. And next Morning the Sexton observed that Father, by turning +over in the Grave, had somewhat loosened the fresh Earth. + +Bertrand had Modern Plumbing put into the Old House and built a Porte +Cochere on the Side and moved a lot of Red Velvet Furniture into the +Parlor. Some said that the Moaning Sound heard at Night was only the +Wind in the Evergreens, but others allowed that it was the returned +Spirit of the Loan Agent checking over the Expenses. + +Isabel stopped wearing Things that scratched her and began ordering +from a Catalogue, because the Local Dealers didn't carry anything but +Common Stuff. Also she began to Entertain, and the first time she +served Hot-House Asparagus in January, the House rocked on its +Foundations. + +Bertrand soon knew the Difference between a Rickey and a Sour and was +trying to pretend to let on to be fond of the Smoky Taste in that +Imported Article which has done so much to mitigate the Horrors of Golf. + +In the meantime, Isabel had got so far along that she could tell by the +Feel whether the Goods were real or only Mercerized, and each Setting +Sun saw a new crimp in the Bank Account. + +All Statisticians agree that a couple of Heirs can spend Much Money and +yet besides if they do not work at anything else. Especially when +every Pearl in the Rope represents a Chattel Mortgage and a fancy +Weskit is a stand-off for One Month's Rent of a good piece of Town +Property. + +Bertrand married a tall Blonde who knew that Columbus discovered +America, and which kind of Massage Cream to buy, and let it go at that. + +They went abroad and began to Ritz themselves. Every time Madam walked +into one of those places marked "English Spoken while you Wait"--Zing! +The Letter of Credit resembled a piece of Apple Pie just after the +willing Farm Hand has taken a Hack at it. + +Isabel hastened to make an Alliance with one of the oldest and toniest +Families west of Bucyrus and north of Evansville. She succeeded in +capturing an awful Swell Boy who wore an Outside Pocket on his Dress +Coat and made a grand Salad Dressing (merely rubbing the Bowl with a +Sprig of Garlic) and was otherwise qualified to maintain Social +Leadership all the way from the Round House up to the Hub and Spoke +Factory on the Hill. + +Isabel's Husband built a House near the Country Club so as to get the +Automobile Trade, coming and going. Some of the Best People would drop +in and show the Ice-Box how to take a Joke. + +Late at Night, when a Hush fell upon the $28,000 Bungalow, the Deep +Quiet signified that some had Passed Away and others had locked Horns +at Bridge--10 Cents a Point. + +Even Lake Superior would go Dry if tapped at two different Points by +Drain Pipes of Sufficient Diameter. + +After Bertrand returned from Europe with his Paintings and a Table d'Hote +Vocabulary, he and Brother-in-Law began to compare Mortgages. +By consulting the Road-Map they discovered that the Primrose Path +would lead them over a high Precipice into a Stone Quarry, so they +decided to take a Short Cut at Right Angles and head for the +Millionaire Colony. + +The Day they started for New York City with a Coil of Strong Rope, +their purpose being to tie Kuhn, Loeb Co., Hand and Foot, it is said +that a long vertical Crack appeared in one of the most expensive +Monuments in Springvale Cemetery, as if some one underneath had been +trying to break out and Head Off something. + +In preserving the form of a Narrative it becomes necessary to add that +Bertrand is now the obliging Night Clerk at a Hotel in Louisville, with +a Maximum Rate of $1.50 Single and a Shower Bath. + +Brother-in-Law is Assistant Treasurer at a Temple of Amusement which +guarantees all the latest and best Films. + +What became of the Bundle? + +Listen. + +When Pa locked up his Desk and started for the Pearly Gates, he left +behind in the office an humble Man Friday, who took care of the Books +and did the Collecting. + +This Understrapper was a Model Citizen of 35 who wore a plain String +Tie, drank Malted Milk and was slightly troubled with Bronchitis. + +When the Children began throwing it at the Birds, he bought himself a +Net and got Busy. + +Any time Anybody wanted to plaster a Mortgage on a Desirable Corner he +was there with a Fountain Pen and a Notary. + +It nearly broke his Back to carry all the Property, but he kept buying +it in and then hung over his Desk until all Hours of the Night figuring +how he could meet the Payments. + +He wore the same Overcoat for nine years and his Wife never saw one of +those Hats with Bagoozulum and Bazoosh flounced all over it unless she +went down town and looked through a Window. + +One Day a friend remonstrated with the Slave. + +"Why are you wearing yourself to a Shadow and getting Old before your +Time?" he asked. "What shall it avail a Man if he is Principal +Depositor at a Bank when it comes to riding behind Horses that wear +Plumes?" + +"I will tell you," replied the Slave. "I have a Boy named Bertrand and +a little Girl named Isabel and my Wife and I have decided that it is +our Duty to leave them Well-Fixed." + +MORAL: Somebody must rake up the Leaves before the Young People can +have a successful Bon-Fire. + + +THE UNDECIDED BACHELORS + +Once upon a Time two Mavericks lived together in a Cubby-Hole in a +European Hotel in a surging Metropolis. + +They worked for a grinding Corporation, each pulling down a Stipend +that enabled him to indulge in Musical Comedies, Rotation Pool, Turkish +Cigarettes, Link Buttons and other Necessities of Life. + +Often they would put their Feet on the Window Sill and talk about the +Future. + +They said that every Man should have a Home of his Own. To the Beanery +thrice a Day and then back to the Box Stall was no Life for a refined +Caucasian. + +Number One had a Theory that Two could get along as cheaply as One, if +Wife would practise Rigid Economy. Rents were lower in the Suburbs. +He looked up into the Pipe-Smoke and caught a Vision of a Bungalow with +Hollyhocks in front and a Hammock swinging in the Breeze. Somehow he +felt that he never would save any Money until he took the High Jump and +became a Family Man. + +Number Two had a vague Yearning to experiment with Matrimony, but he +said he would wait until he was Fixed. When he could open up the +little Bank-Book and see in plain sight the Ice-Box and the Talking +Machine and the Dining-Room Chairs, then, and not until then, would he +ask a Nice Girl to leave a Comfortable Home and take a Gamble. + +Number One picked out a Stenographer who was ready to retire, on +account of her Spelling, and then he called on the License Clerk, a +Presbyterian Minister and the Weekly Payment shark. + +He packed up his Banjo and the Military Brushes and left Number Two +marooned in the Rat Pit with the Oak Dresser and the Pictures of Anna +Held on the Wall. + +Number Two said he would swim the River and join him in the Promised +Land as soon as he was Two Thousand to the Good. + +Soon after the break-up of the Damon and Pythias Combination, one of +them was transferred to the Detroit Branch. + +They did not meet again until ten years later. + +One day the Benedict had little Marjorie and the Baby out at the +Public Zoo, so they could hear the Sea Lions bark, when Number Two +came along in a Sight-Seeing Automobile with other Delegates to the +National Conclave of the Knights of Neurasthenia. + +It was a Happy Meeting between the two Old Friends. + +Number One reported that his Little Girl could recite long Poems by +Heart and was about to take Music Lessons. He was living in a Flat, +but was about to move. + +Number Two said he was Finer than Silk except that Hotel Cooking had +got to him at last and he had to stop in and see an Osteopath every +Morning. + +"You are still Unmarried?" asked Number One. + +"Yes," was the Reply. "I am still $2,230 Shy of what a Guy needs +before tackling such a risky Game. How are you making it?" + +"I am Broke, thank you," replied Number One. + +With the utmost Good Feeling re-established between them, they took +Marjorie and the Baby over to see the Sacred Cow and the other Dumb +Animals. + +MORAL: Opportunity knocks once at Every Man's Door and then keeps on +Knocking. + + +THE WONDERFUL MEAL OF VITTLES + +Once upon a Time a Rugged Character from the Middle West was in New +York City fixing up a Deal. + +Although he wore overlapping Cuffs and a ready-made Tie, he had a +Rating, so a certain Promoter with an Office in Broad Street found it +advisable to make a Fuss over him. + +The Promoter invited the prospective Mark to Luncheon and arranged to +have the same served in a snug Corner entirely screened by Oleanders +and Palms. + +The Chef received private Instructions to throw himself, so he +personally supervised a dainty Menu. + +When the Visitor entered the far-famed Establishment and found himself +entirely protected from the Vulgar Gaze he knew that at last he was in +the Headquarters for sure-enough Food. + +"What is it?" he asked, gazing into the liquid Amber of the First +Course. + +"Turtle Soup," replied the Host. + +"We shoot the Blame Things just for Practice, out our Way," said the +Guest, "but if I went home and told my Wife I'd been eatin' Turtle she +wouldn't live with me." + +So the Alsatian Nobleman hurried it away and substituted a Tid-Bit with +Cray-Fish as the principal Ornament in the Ensemble. + +"It's a Craw-Dabber!" exclaimed the horrified Man from the Plains. "I +see Ten Million of them little Cusses every Spring, but I wouldn't +touch one with a Ten-Foot Pole." + +To relieve the embarrassing Situation, the Host gave a Sign and the +Menials came running with the Third Course, a tempting array of Frog +Saddles. + +"A Frog is a Reptile," said the Hoosier, backing away from the Table. +"I've heard they were Et, but I never believed it. I can go out any +Morning and gather a Car-Load." + +The next Serving was Breast of Guinea Hen with Mushrooms under Glass on +the Side. + +"On my Farm I've got a lot of these Things," said the Guest, poking at +the Guinea Hen timidly with his Fork. "We use them as Alarm Clocks, +but I'd just as soon eat a Turkey Buzzard." + +"How about the Mushrooms?" + +"Eight People in our Township were poisoned this Summer from foolin' +with that Truck. My pasture's speckled with 'em, but we never pick +'em. Most of them are Toadstools. I tried a Real One once at a K. P. +Banquet. It tasted a good deal like a Rubber Glove." + +The only remaining Item before Dessert was a tempting Salad of Water +Cress. + +The Guest identified it as something that grew in the Crick below the +Spring and was commonly classified as Grass. + +"Perhaps you had better order for Yourself," said the Host, as the +lowly Water Cress followed the others into the Discard. + +The Guest motioned the Waiter to come close and said: "I want a nice +Oyster Stew and some Sparkling Burgundy." + +MORAL: A Delicacy is something not raised in the same County. + + +THE GALLOPING PILGRIM + +A certain affluent Bachelor happened to be the only Grandson of a +rugged Early Settler who wore a Coon-Skip Cap and drank Corn Juice out +of a Jug. Away back in the Days when every Poor Man had Bacon in the +Smoke House, this Pioneer had been soaked in a Trade and found himself +loaded up with a Swamp Subdivision in the Edge of Town. + +Fifty years later the City had spread two miles beyond the Swamp and +Grandson was submerged beneath so much Unearned Increment that he began +to speak with what sounded to him like an English Accent and his Shirts +were ordered from Paris. + +On the 1st of every Month the Agents would crawl into the Presence of +the Grandson of the mighty Muskrat Hunter and dump before him a Wagon- +load of Paper Money which had been snatched away from the struggling +Shop-Keepers, who, in turn, had wheedled it from the people who paid a +Nickel apiece for Sunday Papers so as to look at the Pictures of the +Decorations in the Supper Room at the Assembly Ball graced by the +Presence of the aforesaid Bachelor whose Grandfather had lifted the +original Catfish out of the Chicago River. + +Then the Representative of the Old Family would take a Garden Rake and +pattern all this hateful Currency into a neat Mound, after which a +milk-fed Secretary would iron it out and disinfect it and sprinkle it +with Lilac Water and tie it into artistic Packets using Old Gold +Ribbon. + +After that, it was Hard Lines for the Bachelor, because he had to sit +by a window at the Club and dope out some new Way of getting all that +Coin back into Circulation. + +As a result of these Herculean Efforts to vaporize his Income, he found +himself at the age of 40 afflicted with Social Gastritis. He had +gorged himself with the Pleasures of this World until the sight of a +Menu Card gave him the Willies and the mere mention of Musical Comedy +would cause him to break down and Cry like a Child. + +He had crossed the Atlantic so often that he no longer wished to sit +at the Captain's Table. He had rolled them high at Monte Carlo and +watched the Durbar at Delhi and taken Tea on the Terrace at Shepheard's +in Cairo and rickshawed through Japan and ridden the surf in Honolulu, +while his Name was a Household Word among the Barmaids of the Ice +Palace in London, otherwise known as the Savoy. + +Occasionally he would return to his provincial Home to raise the Rents +on the Shop-Keepers and give out an Interview criticising the New +School of Politicians for trifling with Vested Interests and seeking to +disturb Existing Conditions. + +Any time his Rake-Off was reduced from $10 a Minute to $9.98 he would +let out a Howl like a Prairie Wolf and call upon Mortimer, his Man, +for Sympathy. + +After Twenty Years of getting up at Twilight to throw aside the Pyjamas +and take a Tub and ease himself into the Costume made famous by John +Drew, the Routine of buying Golden Pheasants and Special Cuvee Vintages +for almost-Ladies, preserved by Benzoate of Soda and other Chemical +Mysteries, began to lose its Sharp Zest. + +In other Words, he was All In. + +He was Track-Sore and Blase and full of Ongway. He had played the +whole String and found there was nothing to it and now he was ready +to retire to a Monastery and wear a Gunny-Sack Smoking Jacket and live +on Spinach. + +The Vanities of the Night-World had got on his Nerves at last. Instead +of sitting 8 Feet away from an Imported Orchestra at 2 A. M. and +taunting his poor old Alimentary System with Sea Food, he began to +prefer to take a 10-Grain Sleeping Powder and fall back in the Alfalfa. + +About Noon the next Day he would come up for Air, and in order to kill +the rest of the Day he would have to hunt up a Game of Auction Bridge +with three or four other gouty old Mavericks. + +When the Carbons begin to burn low in the sputtering Arc Lights along +the Boulevard of Pleasure and the Night Wind cuts like a Chisel and the +Reveler finds his bright crimson Brannigan slowly dissolving into a +Bust Head, there is but one thing for a Wise Ike to do and that is to +Chop on the Festivities and beat it to a Rest Cure. + +That is just what the well-fixed Bachelor decided to do. + +He resolved to Marry and get away from the Bright Lights and lie down +somewhere in a quilted Dressing Gown and a pair of Soft Slippers and +devote the remainder of his Life to a grand clean-up of the Works of +Arnold Bennett. + +He selected a well-seasoned Senorita who was still young enough to show +to your Men Friends but old enough to cut out all the prevalent +Mushgush about the Irish Drama and Norwegian Art and Buddhism and the +true Symbolism of Russian Dancing. + +Best of all, she had a spotless Reputation, holding herself down to one +Bronx at a Time and always going behind a Screen to do her Inhaling. + +They were Married according to the new Ceremonies devised by the +Ringling Brothers. As they rode away to their Future Home, the old +Stager leaned back in the Limousine and said: "At last the Bird has +Lit. I am going to put on the Simple Life for an Indefinite Run. I +have played the Hoop-La Game to a Standstill, so it is me for a Haven +of Rest." + +As soon as they were safely in their own Apartments, the beautiful +Bride began to do Flip Flops and screech for Joy. + +"At last I have a License to cut loose!" she exclaimed. "For years I +have hankered and honed to be Dead Game and back Excitement right off +the Cards, but every time I pulled a Caper the stern-faced Mater would +be at Elbow, saying: 'Nix on the Acrobatics or you'll lose your +Number.' Now I'm a regular honest-to-goodness Married Woman and I +don't recognize any Limit except the Sky-Line. I grabbed you because I +knew you had been to all the Places that keep Open and could frame up +a new Jamboree every day in the Year. I'm going to plow an 8-foot +Furrow across Europe and Dine forevermore at Swell Joints where famous +Show Girls pass so close to your Table that you can almost reach out +and Touch them. I'm going to Travel 12 months every Year and do all +the Stunts known to the most imbecile Globe-Trotter." + +A few Weeks after that, a Haggard Man with tattered Coat-Tails was seen +going over the old familiar Jumps. + +MORAL: Those who Marry to Escape something usually find Something Else. + + +THE PROGRESSIVE MANIAC + +Once there was a staid and well-behaving Citizen who took home a dab of +Steak, wrapped up in Brown Paper, nearly every Evening, and found his +Excitement by working on the Puzzle Column in the Church Paper. + +In order to run out to his Farm and save the Expense of keeping a Gee- +Gee, he purchased a kind of Highway Beetle, known as a Runabout. It +was a One-Lunger with a Wheel Base of nearly 28 inches and two Coal Oil +Gleamers. + +When standing still, it panted like a Dachshund and breathed Blue Smoke +through the Gills. + +It steered with a Rudder, the same as a Canal Boat, and every time it +started up a 4 per cent Grade it became Black in the Face and tried to +lie down. + +All the large brutal-looking Cars with the swollen Wheels came along +and tried to Ditch him. They showed him the same courteous +consideration that would be lavished upon a Colored Republican Orator +in Tuscaloosa, Ala. + +When he pulled up alongside of the Road to adjust the Buzzer and jiggle +the Feed and clean the Plug, the idle Spectators would stand around and +remark that the mixture was wrong and the Ignition was a Punk and the +Transmission was a Fliv. So he knew he was In Wrong. + +He traded for a dashing 2-Cylinder Affair painted Red, with a Tonneau +as wide and roomy as a Telephone Booth, and approached from the extreme +Rear by a small Door, as in the case of a Blind Pig. + +When he turned in the Runabout, he was allowed one Outer Casing and a +Monkey-wrench in Exchange. + +He was Some Motorist for about Three Weeks after the delivery of +Juggernaut Number Two. He wore Leather Clothes, the same as Barney +Oldfield. + +But when he bumped up against the Owners of the Big Touring Cars he was +just as much at home as a One-armed Man at a Husking Bee. + +He began to discover that in the Gasoline Set a Man is rated by the +number of Cylinders he carries. + +At the beginning of the Third Season we find him steering a long, low, +rakish Chariot of Fire, with a Clock, a Trunk-Rack, an Emergency Ice- +Box and all the other Comforts of Home. He had learned to smell a +Constable a Mile off and whenever he ran up behind a Pewee Coffee- +Grinder he went into the High and made the Cheap Machine look like a +Fish. + +Whenever the Bobbler pointed to anything short of 40 he felt that he +was just the same as standing still. He loved to throw open the +Muffler and hit the High Spots, never stopping until the Wheels became +clogged up with Live Stock and Poultry. + +One day while he was breezing along the Pike at the easy Clip usually +maintained by the Twentieth Century Limited, he heard behind him a low +and sullen Roar, as of the Wind playing through 1,000 Pine Trees, and +something Gray and about as long-waisted as a Torpedo Boat shot past +him and went over the Hill. He fell forward on the Wheel and began to +Weep. + +He had been Shown Up. + +He knew that he could never look his Fellow-Man in the Eye until he +traded in and got a Six with enough Power to jump Small Streams and +Climb Trees. + +At last he appeared on the Road with the Real Thing. It had Armor +Plate all over it and a 10-foot Cow Catcher in front, and the Driver +had to sit on the Small of his Back and wear a Helmet. + +The Morning he ran it out of the Garage a Prominent Insurance Company +foreclosed on the Farm, but he was in a cheery Mood, for he knew he +could cut Rings around any other Balloon in the County. + +One Morning he went around a Curve on Two Wheels and tried to dislodge +a New Bridge turned out by the Steel Trust and imbedded in solid +Concrete. + +A Neighbor went to the Widow and said: "I have Sad News for you. +Your Husband has gone to his Reward." + +"When did he start?" asked the Bereaved Woman. + +"At Ten Thirty-Eight," was the Reply. + +"What Time is it Now?" + +"It lacks Four Minutes of being Eleven o'Clock." + +"Well," she remarked, in a Relieved Tone, "He must be There by this +Time, unless he has had a Puncture." + +MORAL: The Cocaine and Morphine Habits can be Cured. + + +COGNIZANT OF OUR SHORTCOMINGS + +On the deck of a Trans-Atlantic Skiff, a certain Old Traveler, who owed +allegiance to George and Mary, reclined on his Cervical Vertebrae with +a Plaid Shawl across him and roasted Our Native Land. + +He told the American in the next Steamer Chair that he had been unable +to get his Tea at the usual Hour, and out in the place called Minnie- +Apples the stupid Waiter never had heard of Bloaters for Breakfast. +Furthermore, he had not seen his Boots again after placing them outside +the Door in Chicago. + +The Houses were overheated and the Railway Carriages were not like +those at Home, and the Reporters were Forward Chaps, and Ice should not +be added with the Soda, because it was not being Done. + +He was jolly glad to escape from the Wretched Hole and get back to his +own Lodgings, where he could go into Cold Storage and have a Joint of +Mutton and Brussels Sprouts as often as desired. + +The Yankee cringed under the Attack and then fully agreed with the Son +of amphibious Albion. He said we were a new and crude People who did +not know how to wear Evening Clothes or eat Stilton Cheese, and our +Politicians were corrupt, and Murderers went unpunished, while the +Average Citizen was a dyspeptic Skate afflicted with Moral Strabismus. + +Then he retired to his State Room to weep over the Situation, and the +British Subject said: "The American is a Poltroon, for he will not +defend his own Hearth and Fireside." + +A Cook's Tourist from Emporia, Kansas, dropped into the Vacant Chair. +When the Delegate from The Rookery, Wormwood Scrubs, Islington S. E., +resumed his scorching Arraignment of the U. S. A., he got an awful Rise +out of the Boy from the Corn Belt. + +The Emporia Man said there were more Bath Tubs to the Square Mile out +in his Burg than you could find in the West End of London, and more +Paupers and Beggars in one Square Mile of the East End of London than +you could find in the whole State of Kansas. He said there were fewer +Murders in England because good Opportunities were being overlooked. + +He said he could Tip any one in England except, possibly, the +Archbishop of Canterbury. + +It was his unbiased Opinion that London consisted of a vast swarm of +melancholy Members of the Middle and Lower Classes of the Animal +Kingdom who ate Sponge Cake with Clinkers in it, drank Tea, smoked +Pipes and rode by Bus, and thought they were Living. + +Standing beneath the rippling folds of Old Glory, the proud Citizen of +the Great Republic declared that we could wallop Great Britain at any +Game from Polo up to Prize-Fighting and if we cut down on the Food +Supplies the whole blamed Runt of an undersized Island would starve to +death in a Week. + +With quivering Nostrils, he heaped Scorn and Contumely upon any Race +that would call a Pie a Tart. In conclusion, he expressed Pity for +those who never had tasted Corn on the Cob. + +After he had gone up to the Bridge Deck to play Shuffle-Board, the +Representative of the Tightest little Island on the Map took out his +Note-Book and made the following Entry: "Every Beggar living in the +States is a Bounder and a Braggart." + +That evening in the Smoke Room he began to pull his favorite Specialty +of ragging the Yanks on a New Yorker, who interrupted him by saying: +"Really, I know nothing about my own Country. I spend the Winter in +Egypt, the Spring in London, the Summer in Carlsbad, and the Autumn in +Paree." + +So the Traveler afterward reported to a Learned Society that the +Typical American had become a denatured Expatriate. + +MORAL: No Chance. + + +THE DIVINE SPARK + +One Evening at a Converted Rink known as the Grand Opera House, a flock +of intrepid Amateurs put on a War Drama. + +Lila, principal Child of the Egg and Poultry King, played a Daughter of +the Southland, with her Hair shaken out and Lamp Black on her Eye- +Winkers, so as to look like Maxine. + +All of her Relations and the other Members of the Pocahontas Bridge +Whist and Pleasure Club were in Front, and they gave her a Hand every +time she stepped out from behind a Tree. + +She scored what is known in the Ibsen cult as a Knock-Out. + +At 11 P. M., she was up on a lonesome Eminence, right between Sara +Bernhardt and Julia Marlowe, waiting for a Telegram from C. F. to come +on and tackle any Role that was too heavy for Maude Adams. + +The proud Parents awoke next Morning to discover that Lady Macbeth was +boarding with them. + +When she moved from one Room to another, the Portieres had to be spread +the entire length of the Pole, so as to make Room for her Head. + +A local Haberdasher, who had been plotting to surround her with a new +Bungalow and a lot of Mission Furniture, went to call as per Usual and +found her away Up Stage, trying to look like Margaret Anglin in the Big +Scene. + +She was too busy to Hold Hands, for she was mapping out a Career which +terminated with an Electric Sign on Broadway and the Street jammed with +up-town Limousines. + +So the Gents' Furnisher moved down the Street to a Brick House, the +unmarried Inmates of which would begin burning Greek Fire and sending +up Balloons every time a Live One slammed the Front Gate. + +Lila had the Bacillus Theatricus gnawing in every part of her System. + +She could see the magnificent Play House crowded from Pit to Dome, just +as the Producing Manager sees it every August when the Pipe is drawing +freely. + +She could hear the Leading Man in the Dress Suit say, as he pointed up +the Marble Stairway, "Ah, here comes the Countess Zika now." And then +She would enter trippingly, wearing $900 worth of spangled Raiment, +whereupon the Vast Audience would stand up and Cheer. + +Whilst enjoying this Trance she wore a Yellow Kimono and had her Meals +sent to the Room. + +Father saw that she was Hooked, so he loaded her into a Parlor Car and +took her up to a School of Dramatic Art to have her searched for Talent. + +The Head Crimp of this refined Shake-Down watched her do the Scene in +which Ophelia goes Dotty and picks the imaginary Dandelions, and when +it was all over and Shakespeare had been reduced to a Pulp, he slapped +old Ready Money on the Back and told him his Daughter was a Phenom. + +She had the Dramatic Instinct and the Fire of Genius and that +indefinable Something which enables Eva Tanguay to earn more than the +President of the United States. + +With a couple of hundred Lessons in Correct Breathing, and the Vocal +Cords loosened up with a Glove-Stretcher, and a row of Scallops put on +the Technique, Mary Anderson would be right back in our midst. + +So Lila got ready to fill the Vacancy caused by the Retirement of Ellen +Terry, while Papa went back to the little Office in one corner of the +Ware-House and began to sign Checks. + +It took many an Egg to have Lila properly Conservatoried. + +At last she came home with a Diploma showing that she was an Actress. + +After that, she merely needed a Play and a Company and a lot of Scenery +and a Manager and a Theater and the soft old Public buying of the +Scalpers, in order to realize her modest Ambition to become a Real Star. + +She took her Diploma and the Local Press Notices up to New York to see +what she could get on them, and found 10,000 other incipient Modjedskas +hitting the worn Trail that led from one Agency to another. + +Artistic Temperaments were more Abundant than Lamp Posts, and getting +an Audience with a Big Gun was just as easy as Opening a Time-Lock with +a Hat Pin. + +She had an offer at the Hippodrome to walk in front of an Elephant, +waving a prop Palm, but she spurned it, because she was ready to do +Desdemona at a Moment's Notice. + +As for the Laudatory Article written by a would-be Willie Winter of the +wild and wooly West, she couldn't find any one in the neighborhood of +42nd Street who had even heard of the Tank Town in which her Folks were +so Prominent. + +In order to get Experience, she signed up with a No. 4 Company, playing +the Part of the deaf-and-dumb lady who crosses the Stage and removes +the Tea Things early in the Second Act. + +When the Troupe went on the Rocks at Mauch Chunk, Penna., the erstwhile +Favorite of the Pocahontas Club found herself seated on a Trunk marked +"Theater" standing off a Deputy Sheriff and waiting for an Answer to +her Wire. + +The First Old Woman, who remembered Edwin Booth, came and sat beside her. + +"Do not be discouraged, Honey," said She. "Go right back and start all +over, and possibly sometime Next Year you will again have the blessed +Privilege of going up a neglected Alley twice a Day and changing your +Clothes in a Barn. Any Girl with your Looks and Family Connections can +curl up in a Four-Poster at night and then saunter to the Bath over a +soft Rag in the Morning, but only a throbbing Genius can make these +Night Jumps in a Day Coach and stop at a Hotel which is operated as an +Auxiliary to a first-class Saloon. It will be Hard Sledding for the +first 15 or 20 Years, but, by the time you are 45, you may reasonably +count on getting 20 Weeks out of every 52, running around in front of +a Kinetoscope." + +Lila pulled into the Scene of her Early Triumphs with a mere suggestion +of No. 2 Grease Paint still lingering behind the Ears. + +As the Train rolled through the Yards, the Foreman of the Section Gang +narrowly escaped being hit in the Head with a tin Make-Up Box hurled +from the rear of the Observation Car. + +Next day she had a strip of Red Carpet spread for the Haberdasher and +was learning to Cook in Paper Bags. + +Whenever she hears of a Good Show coming to Town she invites all of +her Friends to come out to the Bungalow and Play Rhum on the Mission +Furniture. + +MORAL: The True Friend of Humanity is one who goes to the Home Talent +Benefit for Something and Hisses all Evening. + + +TWO PHILANTHROPIC SONS + +Two Boys sallied forth from a straggling Village in search of an +irrational Female known as Dame Fortune. + +It was a sad Jolt to the Walking Vegetables back in the Stockade when +they heard, on Good Authority, that Ezra and Bill were slamming it over +the Plate and batting above .400. + +They simply wagged the ossified Domes and hoped the Boys were getting +it Honestly. + +Ezra and Bill, up among the inflammatory Posters and the nervous +Electric Signs, kept on playing Tag with the Sherman Act until they had +it in Oodles and Bundles and Bales and Stacks. + +Finally when they became so prosperous that they had to wear Shoes +specially made, with Holes in the top, they began to be troubled with +Tender Recollections of Humble Birthplace. + +Through the Haze of Intervening Years they saw the Game of Two-Old-Cat +in the Vacant Lot back of the M. E. Church and forgot all about +sleeping in the refrigerated Attic and going down in the morning to +thaw out the Wooden Pump. + +They yearned to elbow out from the Congested Traffic of the cold and +heartless City and renew Sweet Associations. + +They wanted to wander once more down the Avenues of Rhubarb and clasp +hands with Old Friends whose simple Hearts averaged about 14 Throbs to +the Minute. + +It is the regulation Dream of every Financial Yeggman to go back to his +Old Town wearing a Laurel Wreath and have the School Children throw +Moss Roses in his Pathway. + +So Ezra sent on a Proposition. + +He wanted to build a Library at the corner of Fifth and Main, thereby +making it easy for his old Neighbors to read the Six Best Sellers +without plugging the Author's Game. + +He offered to give 20,000 Bucks if the Citizens would raise 5,000 more +and maintain the Thing. + +Ezra had not been in the Habit of reading anything except the Tape and +he cared about as much for George Bernard Shaw as George Bernard Shaw +cared for him. + +Nevertheless, he wanted to be remembered, 50 Years hence, as the Man +who built the Library and not as the guy who dealt from the Bottom of +the Deck, utilizing the Sleeve Device and the Bosom Hold-Out. + +By the use of Anaesthetics and Forceps the 5,000 was secured. + +Then the Building was erected and the only Criticism made was that the +Location was poor and the dod-blasted Concern looked like a Barn and +it was arranged wrong inside and nobody didn't want no Library nohow. + +When Ezra came down to the Dedication to face an outraged and tax- +burdened People, he was just as popular as Tonsilitis or Sciatica +ever dared to be. + +Bill came back also. + +He floated into Town one day and appeared in Jimison's General Store +and called for a Good Cigar. + +He told Mr. Jimison to take one and called up the Boys around the Stove. + +When the Word got out that Bill was Buying over at the Bee Hive, +representative Citizens came on the Jump from the Harness Shop and +the Undertaking Parlor and the Elite Bowling Alley. + +Every Man that showed up got a Lottie Lee with a Band around it, and +when Bill left on the 3:40 a Mob followed him to the Train. + +Ever after that the Word was freely passed around that Bill was a Prince. + +MORAL: In scattering Seeds of Kindness, do it by Hand and not by +Machinery. + + +THE JUVENILE AND MANKIND + +Once there was a Kid who wore a Uniform that fit him too Soon and a +Cap on one Ear. His Job was to answer the Buzzer and take Orders from +any one who could show 25 Cents. + +In the Morning he might be acting as Pack-Pony for some Old Lady on a +Shopping Spree and in the Afternoon he would be delivering a Ton of Coal. + +He had been waved aside by Butlers and ordered about by Blond +Stenographers and joshed by Traveling Salesmen until his Child-Nature +was hard and flinty. + +In answering the Call of Duty he had gone to the Dressing Room and +taken a private Flash at the Magazine Beauty before she began to +attach the hair or spread the Enamel. + +He had been in the private Lair of the Sure-Thingers when they were +cooking up some new Method of collecting much Income without moving +out of their Chairs. + +He had been by while Husbands, with the Scotch standing high in the +Gauge, collaborated on the Lie which was to pacify little Katisha, +waiting in the Flat. + +Before delivering this Masterpiece of Fiction he would have to do a +little Sherlocking and finally locate Katisha in one of those Places +where they serve it in Tea-Cups. + +In the Homes of the Rich and Great where he delivered Orchids and +Invitations and perfumed Regrets he would overhear Candid Expressions +which indicated that every Social Leader was trying to slip Knock-Out +Drops into somebody else's Claret Cup. + +Around the Haunts of Business he would stand on one Foot while the Boss +carefully worded the Message which was to read like a Contract while +leaving a Loop-Hole about the size of the Hudson Tunnel. + +One night the Kid was returning homeward with a Comrade in Misery. As +the Trolley carried them toward that portion of the City where Children +are still in Vogue, they fell to talking of the Future and what it +might have in Store for a Bright Boy who could keep on the Trot all day +and sustain himself by eating Cocoa-Nut Pie. + +The Comrade hoped to be a Vaudeville Actor, but the Kid said, after +some Meditation: "During the past Two Years I have mingled in all +Grades of Society and I have decided to round out my Career by being +a Deep-Sea Diver." + +MORAL: A little Learning is a dangerous thing and a good deal of it is +Suffocating. + + +THE HONEYMOON THAT TRIED TO COME BACK + +Once there was an undivorced Couple that would get up every G. M. and +put on the five-ounce Mitts and wait for the Sound of the Gong. + +Each was working for the Championship of the Flat and proved to be a +Glutton for Punishment. + +Every time he landed a crushing Hay-Maker on her Family History she +countered with a short-arm Jolt on his Personal Appearance. + +Both would retire to the Corners breathing heavily, but still full of +Combat. + +He loved to start out the Day by finding in the Paper what a Professor +connected with the University of Chicago had said about the American +Woman being a vain and shallow Parasite with a Cerebrum about the size +of an English Walnut. + +She would retaliate by reading aloud a Special in regard to a Husband +going after Wife with Axe, while under the Influence of Liquor. + +After which, for 15 or 20 minutes, the Dining Room would be just as +peaceful and quiet as a Camorra Trial. + +Sometimes he would get First Blood, but just as often she would fiddle +around for an Opening and then Zowie!--right on the Conk and him +Stalling to escape further Punishment. + +When Nightfall came they would still be edging around the Ring, +whanging away, for each was too Game to be a Quitter. + +Their Married Life, which started out with American Beauty Roses in +every Vase and a long Piece in the Paper, now settled down to a Thirty +Years' War. + +The only time when the Dove of Peace really Lit was when they had +Company. + +Then they would Dear each other until the Premises became Sticky and +she would even coax up a Ripple of Fake Laughter when he pulled some +Wheeze that used to go Great the Year they were engaged. But the +Moment the last Guest closed the Front Door, the Dove of Peace would +beat it and another domestic Gettysburg would drive the Servants to +Cover. + +After this had been going on for several Seasons he happened to get +hold of a Powerful Work, written by a Popular Novelist (Unmarried), who +made a psychological Dissection of a Woman's Soul and then preached a +Funeral Sermon over the Dead Love that once blossomed in the Heart of +the Heroine. + +After he read this Tragedy of flickered Romance, he felt like a Pup. + +He perceived that he had been in the Wrong. + +The Novelist taught him that his Cue was to bear with the Weaker Vessel +and to keep the Honeysuckle of True Affection pruned and watered by +Devotion and Sacrifice. + +Therefore, he made one large Vow to cut out the Rough Stuff. + +Next Morning when the Queen of the Amazons put on her Paint and +Feathers and began to beat the big War Drum there was Nothing Doing. + +He refused to enter the blood-stained Arena, and when she came after +him he fell over and took the Count before a Punch had been delivered. + +Before starting for the Office he Kissed her a couple of times and gave +her some Massage Treatment around the Shoulder Blades and called her +"Toots"--a Term of Endearment which had been rusting on the Shelf ever +since they used it at Niagara Falls. + +She was so dazed by this Reversal of Form that she peeked from the +Front Window and watched him clear to the Corner, convinced that he was +on his way to meet Another Woman. + +He came home that Evening with a Jar of Candied Nuts, and when Mrs. +Simon Legree demanded the Name of the Hussy he simply pulled a +Yearning Smile and invited her to go ahead and use him as a Punching-Bag. + +Next day she put a Newspaper around the Bird Cage and tied up the +Geraniums and took the unfinished Tatting and Blew. + +When she walked in on her Own People, with the Declaration that all +Bets were off, they wanted to know all about it, and she said a +Spirited Woman couldn't keep on rooming with a Guinea-Pig. + +MORAL: Contempt breeds Familiarity. + + +THE LOCAL PIERPONT + +One day a regularly appointed Bank Inspector went into a Stronghold of +Finance situated in a One-Night Stand and found the President of the +Institution crying all over the Blotter. + +"Why these tears?" asked the Official. "Are the Farmers paying off +their Mortgages?" + +"Worse than that," replied the Elderly Man, whose Side Whiskers were +a Tower of Strength in the Community. "We are entering upon an Era +of Extravagance. The Tillers of the Soil are no longer Hewing Wood +and Drawing Water. They are now hewing Holes in the Atmosphere and +drawing Gasoline. Not many Years ago [the] Simple Agriculturist drove +into Town in a South Bend Wagon with Red Roses painted on the Dash- +Board and stopped at the Bank long enough to tie a Chattel Mortgage on +his Cow, with Interest at 2 Per Cent. a Month, payable in Advance. +Nowadays he comes zipping up in a This Year's Model of the Kokomobile +with Torpedo Body, Fore-Doors and Red Cushions and draws out his +Balance so that he can get Extra Tires and a Speedometer. Every Hired +Hand has become a Chauffeur, and the Jay that used to wear Gosh-dingits +and drive a $80 Pelter now wears Goggles and drives a Roadster with +four Lamps hung out in front of it." + +"Why are you annoyed by these Evidences of Prosperity?" asked the +Official. "The humble Farmer has been the Goat for 2,000 Years. Now +he is catching Even by burning up the Turnpike, while the City People +who feel sorry for him are sleeping on the Fire Escapes and saving up +to see the Movies." + +"You do not grasp the full Horror of the Situation," said the President +of the Bank. "If all the Reubs withdraw their Deposits in order to buy +these expensive $1,200 Cars, our Reserve will be so badly depleted and +Normal Conditions so badly disturbed that possibly I will have to +Cancel my Order for that $7,000 French Limousine which I picked out at +the New York Show." + +Whereupon he resumed his Weeping. + +MORAL: It is Time to call a Halt. + + +THE LIFE OF THE PARTY + +One Night a Complimentary Dinner was given to a Captain of Industry by +some Friends looking for Orders. + +The Chairman of the Arrangements Committee was a popular Wine-Pusher, +consequently the volunteer Search Parties were out for Three Days +after, gathering up the Dead. + +Along about 10:30, when every Perfect Gentleman was neatly Stewed, a +Man connected with the Jobbing Trade got up to say a Few Words. + +He was keyed to Concert Pitch and the Audience was Piped and all the +old sure-fire Bokum of a Sentimental Nature simply Killed them in their +Seats. + +When he Concluded, the hilarious Bun Brothers, with the mussed-up Hair +and the twisted Shirt Bosoms, arose to their Feet and waved Napkins and +gave the Orator what he described to his wife at 2 A. M. as A Novation. + +Another Good Man was spoiled. + +After Herman made this goshawful Hit with the Souses he became +convinced that he was an After-Dinner Wit. + +Gus Thomas and Simeon Ford had nothing on him. + +Whenever he found himself seated at a Table with other People and Food +being served, he began to suck Lozenges and classify his Anecdotes and +try to appear Unconcerned. + +All the time he was simply waiting for the Main Fluff to come up from +behind the Chrysanthemums and say, "We have with us this evening." + +He knew he was a Dinger, because he remembered how the Magnificent +Assemblage stood and cheered him for five minutes. + +Therefore his Voice sounded to him a good deal like the Boston Symphony +Orchestra playing Rubinstein's Melody in F. + +Whenever People sat down in front of the decorative Canape Caviar and +got ready to endure the Horrors of another Hotel Gorge, they would +glance across the Snowy Expanse of White, dotted with plump California +Olives and cold, unfeeling Celery, and seeing Herman seated opposite, +would remark, "Stung!" + +He could not have been kept in his Chair with a Ton of Coal in each +Tail-Pocket. + +And if The Ladies were present, that was when he worked in the Bird- +Calls and ordered out the Twinkling Stars. + +According to the Expectation Tables of the Insurance Actuaries, +probably he will Stick Around for 32 years more and never find out that +he is a Pest. + +MORAL: Those who bemoan the Decline of Oratory should remember that +Oratory never was known to Decline. + + +THE GALUMPTIOUS GIRL + +Once there was a kittenish Senorita condemned to dwell in a Piccolo +Town out on a Spur Division of the Dinkusville Short Line. + +It was one of those not-dead-but-sleeping Settlements with a Sheet-Iron +Cornice on every Store Building and the Hack in which Gen. Sherman once +rode still meeting the Trains. + +All the older Residents were sitting back on their Surplus trying to +hatch out 7 per cent. Any one suggesting a Public Improvement was led +into Court House Square and publicly Beheaded. + +A Girl with real Jamaica Ginger coursing through her Arteries did not +have a Look-In so long as she was hung up at this Whistling Post, where +every Meeting of the Research Club was a Poultry Exhibit and the local +Astor played a Brown Derby in conjunction with the extreme Soup and +Fish. + +So the Senorita, by name Madeline, used to burst into Tears every time +she saw a Train pulling away from the Depot, for she certainly had laid +the Soubrette's Curse on Home, Sweet Home. + +She had read those large explosive articles in the Family Department of +the Sunday Paper telling how the Smart Set hang by their Toes from +Chandeliers and jump into Public Fountains, and she panted for the wild +free life of the Idle Rich. + +Now it happened that Madeline had a married Female Cousin living at the +corner of Easy Street and Epicurian Avenue up in the Big Town where +People hated the sight of a Brass Bedstead. + +Cousin invited Madeline to come and see her, out of mere Politeness, +for she had the Country Lass sized up as a Myrtle Killjoy, whose Limit +probably would be a Burton Holmes Lecture or a rollicking Afternoon at +the Tea Shop. + +Madeleine saw that she was down to Class B and would have to make an +immediate Demonstration of Form to avoid being permanently Benched or +sent back to the Bush League. + +Consequently, as soon as she found herself in the Main Drawing Room +among the Ruperts and Rosalinds, she began to break Furniture and do +Head-Spins on the Bokharas. Thereupon she was elected a full Sister of +the gladsome Bunch known as the Young Married Set. + +She sent Home for all of her Things and more Coin and applied for an +advanced Degree in the Grand Lodge of the Knights and Ladies of Insomnia. + +In one month she had entirely remodeled her Figure and landscaped her +Hair into a new Design and carefully picked each broad Western "R" out +of her Vocabulary, and she could walk right up to a French Bill of Fare +without the quiver of an Eye-Lash. Also she could hand out that Dear +Boy line of Polite Guff to all of those rugged and self-made Bucks who +get back to Earth every day at 5 P. M. and begin calling feebly for +Barbers and Masseurs and Manicures and Nerve Specialists and Barkeeps. + +She learned that Rough House lost all Social Stigma if pulled off at 2 +A. M. in a Private Resort with a Striped Awning in front and a Carpet +leading down to the Landing Stage. + +Her Folks kept writing her to come back Home because the Ladies of the +Guild were about to have a Bazaar, but she Stalled as long as she +could, and when she finally packed up the Wardrobe Trunks and the eight +kinds of Massage Cream, she extracted a promise from Cousin and several +other Desperate Characters that they would come out into the Wilderness +and give the Rummies a Touch of High Life. + +It was the first time that Madeleine had spread her Wings and hit the +rarified Strata. For a Beginner she was there with the Spread. She +made the American Eagle look like an English Sparrow. + +As soon as she arrived back in Sleepy Hollow she began to turn the Old +Family Residence upside down and get it stocked up, just like a Club, +for the Hot Babies from the Metropolis. + +The Real Things arrived on a Special Car with their Hats down over +their Ears and were more or less obscured by Dogs and English Help and +Cigarette Smoke. As they rode up Main street there was a Pale Face at +every Window. Just as the Parade passed the High School, the tall +Smoke-Stack over at the Hominy Mills fell with a Loud Crash. + +That Afternoon there was a smell of Moth Balls in many a Refined Home, +for all who had learned to take Soup from the side of the Spoon were +under Royal Command to come up and get a private Peek at the imported +Gentry. + +It was to be a Dinner followed by a Small Dance. If it had been a +full-sized Affair, no doubt Father would now be working by the Day. + +Instead of the customary 3 Carnations and 1 Maiden-Hair Fern gracing +the center of the Board, the terrified Guests saw a Wagon-Load of +tropical Bloom which pleased them very much as soon as each had +secreted a new kind of Cocktail, served in a Goblet, with a Stick of +Dynamite substituted for the Olive. + +The Orchestra did a lot of those "Oh! Oh!" Rags, while strange Foods +kept descending to the Table and a Special Corps of waiters tried to +give an Imitation of the Johnstown Flood. + +Conversation became epidemic and many Local Characters who had remained +in Obscurity for Years came out of their Pods and began to hop about +and sing in the Sunlight. + +Members of the Married Woman's Safety League were hanging out Signs of +Distress and trying to give Warning Signals, but Madeleine would not +permit them to crab her Little Party. She wanted to show the Boobs +just how these Recherche Functions are stage-managed in Upper Circles. + +Accordingly they all felt their Way to the Front Room, where they Found +awaiting them a Bowl of Artillery Punch about the size of Lake Erie, +and no more Harm in a full Bumper than there is in a Rattle-Snake. + +Madeleine headed off a Two-Step and told Friends and Neighbors to sit +back close to the Wall with a Piece of Ice in each Hand and get Wise to +the latest Stuff. + +The She and her Friends pinned up their Garments and put Resin on their +Hands and cut loose. They did the Grizzly Bear and the Mountain Goat +and the Turkey Trot and the Bunny Hug and the Kangaroo Flop and the +Duck Waddle and the Giraffe Jump and the Rhinoceros Roll and the Walrus +Wiggle and the Crocodile Splash and the Apache and the Comanche and the +Bowery Twist and the Hula Hula Glide, etc., etc., etc. + +The Fire Department began carrying out Bodies at 12:30 A. M.. Some of +the Survivors were hurrying Home through the Alleys, wondering if they +could fix up Alibis. At Daybreak many Prominent Citizens were found +Miles from their Homes wandering aimlessly in Roadways and shouting, +"Take it away!" + +Next afternoon the Male Parent of Madeleine crawled out from under the +Wreckage and said to his Only Daughter: "You are too Progressive for +us Farmers. Take your Trained Troupe of Society Acrobats and get out +of Town. The White Caps are now gathering in the Outskirts." + +Madeleine simply retorted that the Dances were being done in the most +Exclusive Homes. + +An Exclusive Home is one from which the Police are Excluded. + +Of course she never dared to return to her Birthplace after this +Scandalous Performance. + +She had to remain in the Cruel City as the free and unrestricted Wife +of a Cotillion Leader with an Income of $22.00 a Minute. + +MORAL: The Pioneer must ever brave Hardships. + + +EVERYBODY'S FRIEND AND THE LINE BUCKER + +In a sequestered Dump lived two Urchins, Edgar and Rufus, who went to +the Post with about an equal Handicap. + +They got away together down the broad Avenue of Hope which leads one +Lad over the hills and far away to the United States Senate Chamber and +guides another unerringly to the Federal Pen near Leavenworth, Kansas. + +When Edgar was a Tootsey he received a frequent dusting with Extreme +Violet Talcum Powder. + +About the same time Rufus was propped up to look at Pictures of +Napoleon and John L. Sullivan and Sitting Bull. + +At School each was a trifle Dumb. + +If Edgar fell down on an Exam, his Relatives would call a Mass Meeting +to express Regrets and hang Crape all over the Place. + +If Rufus got balled up in his Answers, his immediate Kin would pat him +on the Back and tell him he was right and the Text-Book was wrong. + +Edgar would emerge from the Feathers every morning to find his Parents +all lined up to wish him a new set of Police Regulations. + +They held up the Rigid Forefinger and warned him that he was merely a +Grain of Dust and a Weakling and a poor juvenile Mutt whose Mission in +Life was to Lie Down and Behave. + +Rufus would be aroused each Sunrise by a full Military Band of 60 +Pieces playing "Hail to the Chief who in Triumph Advances." + +Whenever Edgar was forced into a Battle and came home smeared and +disarranged, his Mother would go to her Room and Cry softly and Father +would paint a vivid Word-Picture of a Wretch standing on the Gallows +with a Black Cap over his Head. + +Then Edgar would crawl to the Hay Mow and brood over his Moral +Infirmities and try in a groping way to figure out his Relation to +Things in General. + +But, when Rufus appeared all dripping with Gore, his Seconds would cool +him out and rub him with Witch Hazel and pin Medals on him. + +No wonder he became as pugnacious as U. S. Grant, as conceited as a +Successful Business Man and as self-assured as a Chautauqua Lecturer. + +Every one disliked him intensely. But just the same, they stepped off +into the Mud and gave him the entire double width of the Cement +Sidewalk. + +Edgar, on the other hand, was one of the most popular Door-Mats that +ever had "Welcome" marked up and down his Spinal Column. + +All those who scratched Matches on him and used him as a Combination +Hall-Tree and Hitching Post used to remark that he didn't have an Enemy +in the World. + +They had corralled his Goat, so he had to play the Part himself. + +It had been dinged into him that True Politeness means to wait until +every one else has been Served and then murmur a few Thanks for the +Leavings. + +Besides, his Parents had convinced him that if he went Fishing he +wouldn't get a Nibble, and if he climbed a Tree he would fall and break +his Leg, and if he tried to manipulate more than Two Dollars at one +time, he would go Blind. + +Therefore, when both were in College, Rufus acted as plunging Half- +Back, with Blue Smoke coming from his Nostrils, and achieved the +undying Distinction of being singled out by Walter Camp. + +Edgar sat up on the Bleachers with 2,000 other Mere Students and lent a +quavering Tenor to a Song about Alma Mater. + +Even the Undergrads could not take the Tuck out of Rufus. + +He was fresher than Green Paint and his Work was Raw, but he was so +Resilient that no one could pin him to the Mat and keep him there. + +When a Boy has been told 877 times a Day for many Years that he is the +Principal Feature of the Landscape, it takes more than an ordinary +Doctoring to Cure him. + +He left College thoroughly convinced that the World was his Oyster and +he had an Opener in every Pocket. + +He began grabbing Public Service Utilities by Strong-Arm methods, +whereupon a lot of Uplifters became excited and wanted some one else +to head him off. + +He put things Across because when he tucked the Ball under his Arm and +began to dig for the Goal of his Immediate Ambition all the Friends of +Public Weal were scared Blue and retired behind the Ropes. + +Edgar took his Degree out into the Cold World and began to make +apologetic Inquiries regarding Humble Employment which would involve +no Responsibilities. + +He became an Office Lawyer of the dull gray Variety with a special +Aptitude for drawing up Leases and examining Abstracts. + +He could not face a Jury or fight a Case because the fond Parents had +put the Sign on him and robbed him of all his Gimp. + +But a Nice Fellow? + +You know it. + +Any one who had a Book to sell, or a Petition to be signed, or a Note +that needed endorsing came dashing right into Edgar's Office and hailed +him as the Champion Patsy. + +Not one of these ever ventured into the Lair of the Street Railway +Czar, for he knew that Rufus might jump over the Mahogany Table and +bite him in the Arm. + +Even Edgar, when he made a Business Call on Boyhood Friend and loving +Classmate, was permitted to wait in the Outer Room, resting his Hat on +his knees, and mingling on terms of Equality with the modish Typist and +the scornful Secretary. + +And when they went away to look at some Properties, Rufus took the +Stateroom while Edgar drew an Upper. + +Every one at the Club referred to Edgar as a Good Old Scout, but when +all the Push gathered at the Round Table and some one let fall the Name +of the High-Binder, they would open up on Rufus and Pan him to a +Whisper. + +Then Rufus would enter in his Fur Coat, upsetting Furniture and +Servants as he swept through the Lounging Room. + +Immediately there would be an Epidemic of Goose Pimples and a Rush to +shake hands with him. + +Rufus was sinfully Rich, but nevertheless Detestable, because his +Family had drilled into him the low-down Habit of getting the Jump +on the Other Fellow. + +Edgar may live in a Rented House, but he will always have the inward +Satisfaction of knowing that he is a sweet and courteous Gentleman +with Pink Underwear, and a Masonic Charm on his Watch Chain. + +When Edgar answers the Call, the Preacher will speak briefly from the +Text, "Blessed are the Meek." + +If the Death Angel succeeds in pulling down Rufus, the same Minister +will find a suggestion for his Remarks in those inspiring Words, "I +have fought the Good Fight." + +MORAL: The Scrapper is seldom beloved, but he gets a Run for his Ticket. + + +THE THROUGH TRAIN + +Two High School Heliotropes named Lib and Angie were very Thick. + +Each Girl kept a Nightie at the Other Girl's House and, long after +they had retired, the Inmates would hear smothered Giggles, +interspersed with Fragments of what He said to Her and what She said to +Him. + +The Period of their Adolescence was about 20 years ago, when Romance +was still alive and Knighthood was in Flower around every Dancing +Academy west of Pittsburgh. + +The two Chums had made a Pact. They were to be Friends for ever and +ever and ever and neither was to hold out anything from the other. + +Each carried in a Locket a Four-Leaf Clover presented by One to whom +she had bared her Soul. + +After supplementing the Graded Schools with a full course of Mrs. +Southworth and learning to play "The Battle of Prague" on the Melodeon, +naught remained for them in the way of passionate Diversion except to +go ahead and get Married. + +They waited three years for the Fairy Prince of their Dreams to come +clattering down Main Street in his Coach all White and Gold, and then +began to mistrust the Schedule. So they effected the usual Compromise, +falling gracefully into the awkward Embraces of two cornfed Lizards +named Otis and Wilbur. + +In the Shake-off it befell that Angie got Wilbur and Lib drew Otis. +The two Brides were somewhat envied, as Wilbur was a Good-Looker with +raven Pompadour and large snappy eyes, while Otis was supposed to +possess the Faculty of copping the Mazume. + +However, the purpose of this Fable is to indicate that each Gal found +out too late that she had Dutched her Book and backed into the wrong +Paddock. + +Fate separated the Young Couples and many a Full Moon deflated itself +before Lib and Angie had another chance to get away by themselves and +fill up on Oolong and cautiously exhibit their Wounds. + +Wilbur was a Hustler who lacked Terminal Facilities. He was full of +St. Vitus Activity and was always transferring a lot of Papers from one +Pocket to another and getting ready to invest Capital in some +Megatherian Enterprise paying 20 per cent. per Annum, but somehow he +never Arrived. + +While negotiating for a Rubber Plantation in Yucatan he would hear +about Two Million Acres waiting to be Irrigated in Colorado, but +before he could turn on the Water he would be lured away by the +Prospect of developing some Monte Carlo Proposition up in the Mesaba +Range. + +In the meantime he wore Celluloid Collars and owed for every round +Steak that he had carried home during the preceding Five Years. + +Otis, on the Other Hand, played nothing but Cinches. He was out for +the Pastry. It was not his Fault if the Widows and Orphans who +invested on his Tips all wound up as Department Store Employees. + +He double-crossed his Partners and whip-sawed his Customers and bluffed +the Courts and bullied his way into the Strongholds of Finance. + +While the U. S. Grand Jury would be in Session, trying to get him with +the Goods, he would be motoring in Normandy and tossing Showers of +Silver to the Peasantry. + +Do not mistrust the Tale, for every Buccaneer from Broad Street, N. Y., +to the St. Francis Bar at the Golden Gate, was once a Poor Boy with +Store Clothes on his Back and Grand Larceny in his Heart. + +When Angie went to visit Lib, after the Lapse of Many Years, you can +Gamble that they had Some Talk to unload. + +Angie carried a Wicker Suit-Case costing $1.98 and her General Get-Up +was that of the Honest Creature who may be found in any Hotel Corridor +at 2 A. M. massaging the Mosaic Floor with a Hot Cloth. + +"Get me!" said Wilbur's wife, dropping wearily to a Divan in the Style +of Louis Quatorze. "Pipe the Lid! It is a 1906 Model and the Aigrette +is made of Broom Straw. Take a Peek at the shine Tailor-Made and the +Paper Shoes. Ever since they wished that False Alarm on to me I have +been giving a correct Imitation of Lizzie the Honest Working Girl. +Each Evening he comes home to give me a Sweet Kiss and promises me a +Trip to Europe and a Set of Gray Squirrels, and next Morning, when I +get up to remove the Oatmeal from the Fireless Cooker, I find on the +Back Porch a large Rough-neck in a Sweater who has come to shut off the +Gas or take away the Parlor Furniture. Then I think of You, with your +Closets hanging full of fluffy Frocks and your Man rushing in every +few Minutes to slap you in the Face with a Hundred Dollar Bill. You +can take it from me, Dearie, I would jump the whole Game were it not +for the Children. I have put in my whole Life trying to realize +something on a Promissory Note that was a Bloomer to begin with. He +has kidded me along ever since the World's Fair at Chicago, feeding me +on Canned Stuff and showing me pictures of Electric Runabouts and +Country Places on Long Island. In the Meantime I am playing in Great +Luck if I can get a Trolley Car to Stop for me." + +At this point the Wife of Otis arose and, pulling the rose-colored +Silk Wrapper more closely about her made-to-order Form, interrupted +with an Imperious Gesture. + +"Back up, Angie!" she exclaimed. "You should be a Happy Woman. You +have your Husband's Love and you have your Children, both of which are +denied a Woman of my Assured Position in the Two Minute Class of the +Terrible Spenders. Talk about Hardships! Do you know what it is to +lead the Grand March, surrounded by 800 Assegai-Throwers, Harpooners +and Cannibal Queens, who are pointing you out as the Wife of the +Malefactor who is about to the Tried in the Federal Courts! Did you +ever Stagger around all Evening with $100,000 worth of Tiffany +Merchandise fastened on to you--expecting every Minute to be hit in +the Coiffure by some Raffles? Did you ever, during a Formal Dinner, +hear the Door Bell tinkle and find in the Hallway a Reporter from a +Morning Paper who wishes to ask your Husband if he denies his Guilt +or can give any Reason why Sentence of Death should not be passed upon +him? Are you Wise to the Fact that the Wife of a Successful Business +Man now occupies a Niche in the Hall of Fame right next to the Sister +of Jesse James? You are in Great Luck. No one takes a Shot at a +Failure." + +Having arrived at this cordial Understanding, each leaned against the +other and had a Good Cry, after which they chircked up and paid a lot +of Attention to a well-preserved Bachelor who dropped in to get warm +and take a slight Fall out of the Side-Board. + +MORAL: When Wealth walks in the Door, the Press Agent comes in through +the Window. + + +THE LONG AND LONESOME RIDE + +One pleasant morning the President of the Society for Promoting the +Importation of Scotch Merchandise awoke after a Balloon Voyage which +began 6 Feet below Sea Level in a Rathskeller and finished 2,000 feet +above the Altitude recorded by Lincoln Beachey, the Man-Bird. + +When he Came To he discovered that the Pillow had climbed over on top +of him and was trying to work the Half-Nelson, while a large Pile- +Driver was beating a rhythmical Tattoo on the tender Bean. + +He had a Temperature of 102 and his Ears were hanging down. Also, +during the Period of Coma some one had extracted the Eyes and +substituted two hot Door-Knobs. + +After he had decanted a miniature Niagara on to the smoking Coppers +and removed his Collar, he felt his way over to the window and +denounced in unmeasured Terms an English Sparrow that had perched on +the Sill, merely to annoy him. + +In a little while he remembered that he was a Resident of the Planet +known as Earth. Soon after that his Name came back to him and then he +recalled his Boyhood and the Fact that when he passed the Parsonage the +Presbyterian Minister would ask him to pick some of the Lilacs and +Snowballs and take them home to his Sister Alice. + +From that Point he groped through his Life History up to the Twilight +on which the Regulars had arranged a Send-Off for Old Buck, who was +pulling out for Seattle. In order that Buck should remember them as +True Friends, they had covertly planned to get him Saturated to the +Eye-Balls and then ship him on to his new Home, spread out in +Stateroom B, with long-stemmed Roses laid across the Remains. This +form of homicidal Gayety is perpetuated under the name of American +Hospitality. + +Our Hero remembered the polite Get-away on the Low Speed with +everybody Respectable, after which the Fountains started to gush and +Waiters began to come up out of the Ground bearing Fairy Gifts of a +Liquid Variety. Somewhat later in the Evening he found himself +balanced on one Toe on a swiftly-moving Cloud, announcing to the Stars +of Night that he was a True Sport. + +In other words, he realized, as he sat humped over in the Morris Chair, +holding on to the Head, lest it should fall off and roll across the +floor, that he had been Snooted for Fair, Plastered, Ossified, +Benzoated, Piped, Pickled, Spifficated, Corned, Raddled, Obfuscated, +Soused and Ory-Eyed. + +Six hours before, he had stood on a Table and declared for the +Brotherhood of Man, and now he craved but one Companion and that was +old Colonel R. E. Morse. + +Standing over in the Sunlight by the Window, where he could see the +innocent Shop-Girls going blithely to their $6 a week, he lifted +the trembling Right Mitt clear above his Head and then and there +declared himself to be on the Cart until the great Celestial Bodies +should skid in their Orbits and the Globe itself dissolve into Vapor. + +Just as he pronounced the Words, "nev-ER A-gen," he felt a great Flood +of worthy Resolutions arising in his new Moral Nature. He would buy a +Winchester Automatic and devote the remainder of his wasted Life to +shooting up Barkeeps. And when he died, the whole Estate would go to +the W. C. T. U. + +Just after he had double-strapped himself to the Wagon and started up +Seltzer Avenue, he realized that an immediate Absinthe Frappe would be +worth $15,000 to him, but instead of ordering one, he resolved to +write Doc Wiley a Letter advising him that while he was putting the +Nixey Mark on that Green Magoo he should include all other Colors +bestowed upon the Essence of Tribulation. + +That afternoon the Survivors of the Midnight Massacre got together at +a Club to compare Hang-Overs and find out what had happened after the +Roof fell in. + +Our Hero appeared just as the Boy was getting ready to throw a Life +Line. He was greeted with a ribald Shout and told to come running and +Save Himself. + +The Moment had arrived for him to be a Man. Surrounded by Ice and +Squirters and Mixing Spoons and Orange Peel and Jiggers and Jaggers, +he drew himself together and made the Announcement. + +For a Moment they were stunned by the Impact and then every Son of +Peoria leaned back and let out a Yowl. To think that a real up-to-date +Fellow would pull any of that Old Stuff! A puny Mortal trying to get +a Toe-Hold on the Demon! + +They told him to forget it and quit his Spoofing and remove his +Overshoes and ease a couple of Gills into his Reservoir and try to be +a Human Being, however painful the Effort. + +He came back with a few Gems from the Family Medicine Book about the +Effect of the Accursed Stuff on various Organs. He did not propose to +feed himself anything that would cut the Varnish off of Wood-Work. The +Hard Stuff had passed out of his Life. + +The Cackles died away and were succeeded by looks of Blank Dismay. +They saw that one whom they had long regarded as a reliable bench- +working Union Lush had turned in his Card and deliberately made himself +an Outcast. + +They saw him order Vichy and go to it as if it were a Beverage, and +then they tore up his Credentials and burned his Photograph and told +him to go out to a 3-days Cure and take a Hypodermic of Hot Mush. + +He sat back and pulled the Grim Smile which Savanarola wore when they +piled the Fagots around him. He was a Martyr and proud of his Job. By +the same Token there is no Brand of Rectitude that grades so pure and +spotless as that exhibited by the disinfected Dove who has not touched +a Drop for nearly 24 hours. + +They saw him go home with a Magazine under his Arm, and then they sat +around until all Hours, lapping it up and progging his Finish. They +said he never would last a Week, and when the Fell it would be Some +Splash. + +They began to issue daily Bulletins and watched the Case with much +Anxiety because they really liked the Old Scout in spite of his +Eccentricities. When they learned, at the End of a Week, that he had +played Buttermilk to a Standstill all up and down the Quick Lunch +Circuit and was at his Desk every Morning with his Face clean and a +Flower in his Coat, they called a Meeting of the Vigilantes and decided +that the Joke had been carried far enough. + +In the meantime, Our Hero had learned two new kinds of Solitaire and +began to call around for a Dish of Tea with some distant Female +Relatives who had long supposed him Dead. Along about the Cocktail +Hour he would find himself sitting first in one Chair and then in +another, but he Cashed big every Morning when he awoke and found that +Henry Katzenjammer was not sitting on the Foot-Board making Faces at +him. + +Only, sometimes he would stop on a Corner and look all about him and up +at the Buildings and wonder if the Town had always been as Quiet as at +Present. + +After he had stuck for a Fortnight, the desperate Envoys from the +Indian Camp went after him for Keeps. They held it in front of him and +splashed it on his Clothes and begged him to step aboard with them and +go right up to the 18th Floor. + +Probably if they had let him alone he would have come sneaking back +into the Reservation to watch the red Whirligigs and pick a few of +those Night-Blooming Martinis, but when they tried to Stampede him, +the old New England Stock asserted itself; so he substituted Rivets +for Straps. + +He is now the honored Associate of those who play Cribbage in their +own Homes and eat Apples before turning in. But if you want to get a +Line on his Real Character, just ask the Wet Brothers. They will tell +you that he wasn't there with the Strength of Character, so he simply +sank out of sight. + +MORAL: The Way of the Ex-Transgressor is Hard. + + +OUT OF CLASS B INTO THE KING ROW + +Once there was a side street Quartet consisting of Papa and Mamma and +Gordon and Ethel. + +The ostensible Stroke Oar of this Domestic Combination was a Graduate +of one of those Towns in which the Occidental Hotel faces the Depot and +all Trains are met by a Popular Drayman wearing a Black Sweater. + +When he elbowed his Way into the City, years before, his Assets +consisted of a Paper Valise, a few home-laundered Garments and a small +Volume telling how to win at Cards. + +In the refined Home where he obtained his Liver and Macaroni paved with +Cheese, he met the daughter of the Household. When there was a Rush +she would sometimes put on all of her Rings and help wait on the Table, +although her Star Specialty was to get the Stool at the right Elevation +and tear the Vital Organs out of "Pansy Blossom" and "White Wings." + +The young Shipping Clerk used to fly to his Kennel and get himself all +Gussied up and then edge into the Parlor and turn the Music for Miss +Livingstone, who looked to him like Lily Langtry and sounded like +Adelina Patti. + +They went to Housekeeping in a stingy Flat with a Bed that could be +stood on End during the Daytime and made to resemble a Book-Case, also +a Plaster-of-Paris Lion on the Mantel. + +About the time Gordon was first tethered on the Fire-Escape, the +Provider got a Taste of Soft Collateral and began to wear Gold +Bracelets on his Cigars. + +When Ethel was large enough to take into the Park, the Graft had +developed until the whole Outfit moved to an Apartment where Goods had +to be delivered in the Rear. Mother began to use Hacks which were +not numbered. + +So they went along for Years, riding on L Trains, calling up the +Janitor to ask for more Heat, trying to find a good Maid, and +experimenting with new Cereals, all of these Romantic Adventures +combining to make what is known as City Life. + +They were simply four scrambling Units in the Great Ant-Hill; four +tiny Tadpoles in the great Schools that wiggled up and down the main +Thoroughfares. It seemed that their only Chance to make an Impression +on the huge and callous City was to die and then hold up a line of +Street Cars while the Hearse and the five Carriages moved slowly in +the direction of Calvary. + +But Destiny had them spotted. + +Father was very busy trying to run a Shoe String up to a National Bank. +He would rush into his Office and open the Desk and push Buttons and +send Hurry-Up Wires and dictate Letters to trembling Myrtle with the +Small Waist and keep People waiting outside, just like the Whales who +control the Sugar Trust. + +He had a Front like the new Pennsylvania Station and the soft Personal +Attributes of a Numidian Lion. + +When he was sued in the Courts by a Victim who wanted a final look at +his Money, the Reporters came around and he was so stiff-necked and +defiant that all of them referred to him as the Millionaire Promoter. + +It was easier to be this kind of a Millionaire than stand for a Search. +Every Office Building is coagulated with Millionaires who never will be +Caught until the Tin Box is opened in the Probate Court. Then the +Widow will get ready to take Boarders. + +As soon as Father was bawled out as a Millionaire, it was up to Mother +to join a new kind of Club and have a Handle put on her Eye-Glasses. +She would practise in her room for Hours at a time, gripping the +Rocking Chair with both Hands and trying to get the real Bostonian +sound of "A" as in Lard. + +Her efforts were not in Vain, for one Day when the Club Meeting broke +up, with the Lady President throwing Fits and a Copper guarding the +Ballot Box, the principal Insurgent was mentioned in the Public Prints +as a Popular Society Matron and Leader in the New Movement among Women. +They had to call her that or the Story of her shooting the Ink-Stand +at the Recording Secretary would not have been worth playing up on the +First Page. + +It was a proud Morning for Gordon and Ethel when they saw all the +Pictures and learned that they were the immediate Descendants of the +Millionaire Promoter and the Popular Society Matron. + +Gordon found himself endowed with a Social Status which enabled him, at +the Age of 23, to gain admission to an exclusive Club of 3,000 Members, +the object of which was to serve a 40-cent Table d'Hote every Noon to +as many as were willing to take a Chance. + +Therefore, when he was yanked out of his 6-cylinder Car and stood up +before the Magistrate, charged with smearing up the Boulevard with the +Working Classes, the whole Reading Public was thrilled to hear of what +had happened to a Well-Known Clubman whose Father was a Millionaire +Promoter and whose Mother was a Popular Society Matron. + +By this time Ethel was merely a Relation. + +She had not come across in any Particular. + +As a matter of Fact, she was not pulling down any Ribbons at Beauty +Shows, and toed in when she walked. + +However, she was not discouraged. She eloped with a Chauffeur employed +in an 8-car Garage and next Day she was a Beautiful Heiress whose +Brother was a Well-Known Man about Town, the Mother being very +prominent in Club Work and remembered as the Wife of the Millionaire +Promoter. + +After all this came out, Father still had between $3,000 and $4,000 and +the whole Family, including the Chauffeur, sat down to Prunes every +Morning. + +But they were very Happy, for they were recognized in almost every Cafe +and their Relatives in the East were sending Christmas Cards. + +MORAL: Some achieve Greatness and others have it Rubbed in. + + +THE BOY WHO WAS TOLD + +Once there was a Boy who had been told twice a Day ever since he could +remember that if he started to go into one of those Doggeries with +swinging Doors in front and Mirrors along the Side, a Blue Flame would +shoot out and burn him to a Cinder. + +Also he had been warned that every Playing Card in the whole Deck was a +Complimentary Ticket admitting one to a Hot Griddle in the Main +Parquette of the Fiery Furnace. + +And every little Paper Cigar was another Spike in the Burial Casket. + +With seven or eight Guardians trailing him Day and Night to keep him +away from the Lures of the Wicked World it looked like a Pipe that he +would grow up to be the Dean of a Theological Seminary. + +Across the Street lived a poor unfortunate Lad whose Father was making +the Futile Endeavor to take it away faster than the Revenue Officers +could put Stamps on it. He was the original Blotter. When they were +trying to pry him away from it, he would take a chance on anything from +Arnica to Extract of Vanilla. + +According to all the Laws of Heredity the only Son was cast for the +Part of Joe Morgan. + +He is now the Head of a Mail-Order House. When he sees a Corkscrew he +pulls his Hat firmly over his Ears and runs a Mile. + +The Graduate of the Lecture Bureau may be found in a swagger Club any +evening with a Bourbon H. B. at his Right, a stack of Student Lamps at +his Left and Two Small Pair pressed closely against his Bosom. + +MORAL: The Modern Ambition seems to be to vary the Program. + + +THE NIGHT GIVEN OVER TO REVELRY + +All those who had Done Time at a certain endowed Institution for +shaping and polishing Highbrows had to close in once a Year for a +Banquet. They called it a Banquet because it would have been a Joke +to call it a Dinner. + +The Invitations looked like real Type-Writing and called upon all the +Loyal Sons of Old Bohunkus to dig up 3 Sesterces and get ready for a +Big Night. + +To insure a Riot of spontaneous Gaiety the following Organization was +effected: + +Committee on Invitation. +Committee on Reception. +Committee on Lights and Music. +Committee on Speakers. +Committee on Decorations. +Committee on Police Protection. +Committee on First Aid to Injured. +Committee on Maynew. +Committee on Liquid Nourishment. + +Each Committee held numerous Meetings, at the Call of the Chairman, and +discussed the impeding Festivities with that solemn regard for piffling +Detail which marked the Peace Conference at The Hague. + +The Frolic was to be perpetrated at a Hotel famous for the number of +Electric Lights. + +The Hour was to be 6:30, Sharp, so that by 6:45, four old Grads, with +variegated Belshazzars, were massed together in the Egyptian Room +trying to fix the Date upon which Doctor Milo Lobsquosset became +Emeritus Professor of Saracenic Phlobotomy. + +Along about 7:30, a Sub-Committee wearing Satin Badges was sent +downstairs to round up some recent Alumni who were trying to get a +Running Start, and at 7:45 a second Detachment was sent out to find +the Rescue Party. + +Finally at 8 o'clock the glad Throng moved into the Main Banquet Hall, +which was a snug Apartment about the size of the Mammoth Cave of +Kentucky, done in Gold and various shades of Pink, to approximate the +Chambermaid's Dream of Paradise. The style of Ornamentation was that +which precipitated the French Revolution. + +Beside each Plate was a blond Decoction named in honor of the Martini +Rifle, which is guaranteed to kill at a Distance of 2,000 Yards. The +compounding had been done in a Churn early that morning and the +Temperature was that of the Room, in compliance with the Dictates of +Fashion. + +Those who partook of the Hemlock were given Courage to battle with the +Oysters. These came in Sextettes, wearing a slight Ptomaine Pallor. +On the 20th Proximo they had said good-bye to their Friends in +Baltimore and for Hours they had been lying naked and choked with +thirst in their little Canoes and now they were to enter the great +Unknown, without pity from the Votaries of Pleasure. + +Luckily the Consomme was not hot enough to scald the Thumbs of the +jovial Stevedores who had been brought in as Extras, so the Feast +proceeded merrily, many of the Participants devoting their spare +Moments to bobbing for Olives or pulling the Twine out of the Celery. + +The Fish had a French Name, having been in the Cold Storage Bastile +for so long. Each Portion wore a heavy Suit of Armor, was surrounded +by Library Paste and served as a Tee for two Golf Balls billed as +Pommes de Terre. + +It was a regular Ban-quet, so, there was not getting away from Filet +de Biff aux Champignons. It was brought on merely to show what an +American Cook with a Lumber-Camp Training could do to a plain slice of +Steer after reading a Book written by a Chef. + +Next, in accordance with honored Traditions, a half-melted Snowball +impregnated with Eau de Quinine. + +Just about the time that the White Vinegar gave way to the Aniline Dye, +a nut headed Swozzie, who could get into Matteawan without Credentials, +moved down the Line of Distinguished Guests asking for Autographs. +His Example was followed by 150 other Shropshires, so that for the next +30 Minutes the Festal Chamber resembled the Auditing Department of a +large Mercantile Establishment. + +During this Period, the Department of Geology in the University was +honored by the appearance of a genuine petrified Quail. And the Head +Lettuce carried the Personal Guarantee of the Goodyear Rubber Co. + +Between the Rainbow Ice Cream and the Calcareous Fromage, a member of +the class of '08, who could not Sing, arose and did so. + +Then each Guest had to take a Tablespoonful of Cafe Noir and two +Cigars selected by a former Student who had promised his Mother never +to use Tobacco. + +It was now 10 o'clock and time to go Home. Those who had started to +tune up along in the Afternoon were dying on the Vine. Others, who +had tried to catch even on the $3 Ticket, felt as if they had been +loaded with Pig Iron. Up at the Long Table enough Speakers to supply a +Chautauqua Circuit were feeling of themselves to make sure that the +Manuscript had not been lost. Each thought that he was the Orator of +the Evening. + +The Committee had put on the Toast Program every one who might possibly +take Offense at not being Asked. + +Also they had selected as Toastmaster a beaming Broncho whose Vocal +Chords were made of seasoned Moose-Hide and who remembered all the +black-face Gravy that Billy Rice used to lam across to Lew Benedict +when Niblo's Garden was first opened. + +After every 30-minute Address he would spend ten minutes in polite +kidding of the Last Speaker and then another 10 Minutes in climbing +a Mountain Height from which to present the Next Speaker. + +Along about Midnight the Cowards and Quitters began crawling out of +Side Doors, but most of the Loyal Sons of Old Bohunkus propped +themselves up and tried to be Game. + +Before 1 o'clock a Member of the Faculty put them on the Ropes with +40 Minutes on projected Changes in the Curriculum. + +At 1:30 the Toastmaster was making Speech No. 8 and getting ready to +spring the Oldest Living Graduate. + +Protected by all the Gray Hair that was left to him, he began to +Reminisce, going back to the Days when it was considered a Great Lark +to put a Cow in the Chapel. + +The Toastmaster arrived home at 3 A. M. and aroused his Wife to tell +her that it had been a Great Success. + +MORAL: If they were paid $3 a Head to stand for it, no one would attend. + + +HE SHOULD HAVE OVERSLEPT + +One Morning a Precinct Parasite owing Allegiance to a Political Party +of Progressive Principles went around to the dinge office of a Fuel +Supply Co. to pull off the customary Fake Primary. + +He was met at the Door by a broad-faced Lady of benevolent Mien and +black Ribbons on her Nose-Glasses, who told him to use the Mat and +not track up the Place. + +"What is the Idea?" asked the alcoholic Henchman, looking vainly +about for Bottle-Nose Curley, Mike the Pike, and Smitty the Dip, who +always had been his Associates in the sacred Task of registering the +Will of the People. + +Instead of the old familiar strong-arm Phalanx, he saw a Bevy of plump +Joans who were hanging Chintz Curtains, arranging a neat design of +Sweet Peas around the Ballot Box and getting ready to fire up a +Samovar. When he glanced into the Polling Booth and saw that it was +draped with Doilies he nearly had a Hemorrhage. + +"This is the Glad Day you have heard so much about," replied Laura +Chivington Cadbury, displaying her dainty Badge, which showed that she +was a Judge. "You will be expected to wear Gray Gloves with a Morning +Coat and put a Carnation in your Lapel. As the Voters arrive, you +will softly inquire their Names and lead them along the Receiving Line +and make sure that each is given either a Macaroon or an Olive." + +That evening when they sorted the Votes, and decided to throw out all +that were Soiled or folded Improperly, he was over in a corner making +out a list of Guests for the waiting Reporters. + +MORAL: Equal Suffrage will have a demoralizing Effect upon one of the +principal Sexes. + + +THE DANCING MAN + +Once there was a Porch Rat, who was also a Parlor Snake and a Hammock +Hellion. He worked the popular Free Lunch Routes for thirty years +before deciding to hook up and begin paying for his own Food and Drink. + +When he started flitting from Bud to Debutante to Ingenue to Fawn to +Broiler to Kiddykadee back in 1880, he was a famous Beau with skin- +tight Trousers, a white Puff Tie run through a Gold Ring and a Hat +lined with Puff Satin, the same as a Child's Coffin. + +In 1890 he was parting his Hair in the Middle, in imitation of a good +Bird Dog, and had been promoted to the Veteran Corps of the iron-legged +Dancing Men and the insatiable Diners-Out. He would eat on his Friends +about six Nights in each Week, and repay them every Christmas by +sending a Card showing a Frozen Stream in the Foreground, and Evergeen +Trees beyond. + +In 1900 he was beginning to sit out some Numbers. Also, when he got +into his Evening Togs, his general Contour suggested that possibly he +had just swallowed a full-sized Watermelon without slicing it up. But +he was still Johnny-answer-the-bell when it came to Dancing Parties. + +In 1910 he carried a little Balloon under each Eye and walked as if he +had Gravel in his Shoes. He was still trying to be Game, although he +had a different kind of Digestive Tablet in each Pocket and would +rather tackle Bridge than the Barn Dance. + +The Path was becoming Lonely and the whispering Tress seemed tall and +forbidding. He decided to whistle for a Companion. The Dear Girls +had been dogging him for three Decades and he decided to let one of +them have her Wish at last. + +He hunted up one aged 24 and broke the Glad News to her and she told +him not to rattle his Crutches over the Mosaic Floor as he went out the +Front Way. + +He is now living at a Club organized as a Home for Men who have Gone +Wrong. + +When he pushes the Button the Bell Hops match to see who will be Stuck. + +MORAL: There is an Age Limit, even for Men. + + +THE COLLISION + +Once in the dim dead Days beyond Recall, there lived a blue-eyed Gazook +named Steve. + +We refer to the Period preceding the Uplift, when the Candidate wearing +the largest collar was the People's Choice for Alderman. + +A Good Citizen wishing to open a Murder Parlor needed a couple of Black +Bottles, a Barrel of Sawdust and a Pull at the City Hall. + +When he opened up, he threw the Key in the River and arranged to have +the Bodies taken out through the Alley so as not to impede Traffic in +the Main Thoroughfares. + +Twelve months every Year marked the Open Season for every Game from +Pitch-and-Toss to Manslaughter. + +Any one in search of Diversion could roll Kelly Pool at 10 Cents a Cue +in the Morning, go to the Track in the Afternoon, take in a 20-round +Scrap in the Evening and then Shoot at the Wheel a few times before +backing into the Flax. + +The Police were instructed to make sure that all Push-Cart Peddlers +were properly Licensed. + +Steve roamed the Wide-Open Town and spread his Bets both ways from the +Jack. + +When he cut the String and began to back his Judgment he knew no Limit +except the Milky Way. Any time he rolled them, you could hear +considerable Rumble. + +All the Bookies, Barkeeps, Bruisers, and the Boys sitting on the +Moonlight Rattlers knew him by his First Name and had him tagged as a +Producer and a Helva Nice Fellow. + +Steve heard vague Rumors that certain Stiffs who hurried home before +Midnight and wore White Mufflers, were trying to put the Town on the +Fritz and Can all the Live Ones, but he did not dream that a Mug who +went around in Goloshes and drank Root Beer could put anything across +with the Main Swivel over at the Hall. + +O, the Rude Awakening! + +One day he was in a Pool Room working on the Form Sheet with about 150 +other Students and getting ready to back Sazerack off the Boards in the +Third at Guttenberg, when some Blue Wagons backed up and Steve told the +Desk Sergeant, a few Minutes later, that his Name was Andrew Jackson. + +Next Day he had a Wire from a Trainer but when he went to the old +familiar Joint, the Plain Clothes Men gave him the Sign to Beat it and +he turned away, throbbing with Indignation. + +The down-town Books were being raided but the Angoras kept on galloping +at the Track, so he rode out on the Train every day in order to +preserve his Rights as a free-born American. + +One Day just as he was Peeling from his Roll in front of the Kentucky +Club, in order to grab Gertie Glue at 8 to 5, Lightning struck the +Paddock and laid out the entire Works. + +When the Touts and the Sheet-Writers and the Sure-Thingers came to and +began to ask Questions, it was discovered that the Yap Legislature had +killed the Racing Game and ordered all the Regulars to go to Work. + +Steve went back to Town in a dazed Condition to hunt up the Gang and +find out what could be done to put out the Fire. + +When he arrived at the Hang-Out there was a Flag at Half-Mast. The +Roost had been nailed up for keeping open after Eleven o'Clock! + +A few Evenings after that he sauntered up to a large Frame Building to +look at a couple of Boys who had promised to make 135 Ringside. + +A Cannon was planted at the Main Chute and the Street was filled with +Department Store Employees disguised as Soldiers. + +Nothing doing. + +The Governor had called out the Militia in order to prevent a Blot +being put upon the Fair Name of the Commonwealth. + +With the Selling-Platers turned out to Pasture, the Brace-Box and the +Pinch Wheel lying in the Basement at Central Station, the Pugs going +back to the Foundry and all the Street Lamps being taken in at +Midnight, no wonder Steve was hard pushed to find Innocent Amusement. + +He started to hang around a Broker's Office but it was no Fun to bet +on a Turn-Up when you couldn't watch the Shuffle. Besides, the Game +was Cold and was being fiercely denounced by the Press. + +For a Time he kept warm in a Bowling Alley. Drive a Man into a Corner +and goad him to Desperation and he will go so far as to Bowl, provided +that he lives in a German Neighborhood. + +One Evening he went down to see the Walhallas go against the Schwabens, +but the Place was Dark. + +The Authorities had interfered. + +It seemed that the Manufacture of Bowling Balls involved the +Destruction of the Hardwood Forests, while the Game itself overtaxed +certain Important Muscles ending with "alis," at the same time +encouraging Profanity and the use of 5-cent Cigars. + +Steve had one Stand-By left to him. He could prop himself up on the +Bleachers with a bag of lubricated Pop-Corn between his Knees and hurl +insulting Remarks at Honus Wagner, Joe Tinker and Ty Cobb. + +When he crawled up in the 50-cent Seats he found the same old Bunch +that used to answer Roll Call at the Pool Room, the Sharkey Club, +and the Betting Ring. + +The Law had made them Decent Citizens, but it hadn't made them any +easier to look at. + +Steve longed for the Ponies and the good old Prelims between the Trial +Horses, with Blood dripping from the Ropes, but when he picked up the +Pink Sporting Page in the Morning, all he could find was that the +Sacred Heart Academy has wrested the Basket-Ball Trophy away from the +West Division High School. + +Base Ball is only Near-Sport to one who has whanged the Wise Ikes that +mark up the Odds. Steve went to it because there was nothing else on +the Cards. + +One Day he found every entrance to the Park guarded by a Blue Burly and +the Crowds being turned away. + +The Health Department had put in a Knock on the Game, on the Ground +that the Ball, after being handled by various Players and passed from +one to the other, carried with it dangerous Microbes. + +The Officials insisted that, after every Play, the Ball should be +treated with an Antiseptic or else that each Player should have an +Individual Ball and allow no one else to touch it. + +The Society for the Protection of the Young had put up a Howl because +the Game diverted the Attention of Urchins from their Work in the +Public Schools and tended to encourage Mendacity among Office Boys. + +The Concatenated Order of High-Brows had represented to the proper +Authorities that, as a result of widespread Interest in the +demoralizing Pastime, ordinary Conversation on the tail-end of a +Trolley Car was becoming unintelligible to University Graduates, and +the Reports in the Daily Press had passed beyond the Ken of a mere +Student of the English Language. + +The Medical Society certified that eight out of ten Men had shattered +their Nervous Systems, split their Vocal Cords and developed Moral +Astigmatism, all because of the Paroxysms resulting from Partisan +Fervor. Either build an Asylum in every Block or else liberate the +present Inmates of all the Nut-Colleges. It was not fair to keep the +Quiet Ones locked up while the raving Bugs were admitted to the Grand +Stand every Afternoon. + +Under the Circumstances, a purely Paternal Administration could do only +One Thing. It put Base Ball out of Business. + +On the very next Afternoon the unquenchable demand for Sport asserted +itself. + +Steve went into the Back Yard with his eldest Son and looked about +cautiously. + +"Is the Look-Out stationed on the Fence?" he asked. + +"He is." + +"Is the Garden Gate securely locked?" + +"It is." + +"Are the Mallets properly muffled?" + +"They are." + +"Then t'hell with the Law! We'll have a Game of Croquet." + +MORAL: If it is in the Blood, the only Remedy is the substitution of +Iced Tea. + + +HOW ALBERT SAT IN + +Once upon a Time there was a Bright Young Lawyer of ordinary Good Looks +and Modest Bank Account who regarded the so-called Smart Set with +scorching Contempt. + +Our Hero, whose name was Albert, refused to fall for the Parlor Game. + +Now there resided in this Town a certain High Priestess of the Socially +Elect and a Queen Bee of the Cotillion Tribe. Whatever she said, Went. +No one could lay claim to any Class in this Town until he had seated +himself at one of her Dinners, with the $28,000 Gold Service in front +of him, and dissected a French Artichoke right down to the Foundation. + +One Evening while Albert was burning up the Local Aristocracy he made +the Crack that, if he wanted to go in for such Tommy-rot, he could be +Dining with the aforesaid Dowager Duchess within a Year. His Friends +hooted at the Suggestion and the Outcome of the Controversy was a +Wager. Albert was to storm the Citadel and land inside before the +Expiration of Twelve Months or else blow the whole Gang to a high- +priced Feed. + +Next Sunday he began to take Part in the High Church Ceremonies and +wait on the Steps to make a Fuss over the Women whose Names appeared +on the List of Patronesses. + +He ignored the Buds and Debutantes and worked overtime to Solidify +himself with the Matrons. + +Whenever there was anything Doing that required the Services of a +Hand-Shaker or Errand Boy he was right there with the Dark Cutaway +and a fresh Gardenia. + +In a Month he had a Foothold and was serving on Committees with +Colonial Dames and Relatives of the American Revolution. + +He was Dependable. Any time an Extra Man was needed he came bursting +in with Kind Words for all the Elderly People. He made Party Calls +and left his Card and told the Secrets of his Heart to Women who +were old enough to Understand. + +Consequently he had eighteen or twenty Boosters working for him. + +At the end of Six Months he was a Regular at some of the Best Homes and +was beginning to send Regrets to those below Class A. + +Looking down from his Serene Elevation he realized that he had made a +Mistake in camping so long in the Valley. + +When the Year was up he was acting as Volunteer Secretary and +Whispering Soothsayer to the Queen Bee and had won his Bet by a Mile. + +His Former Associates stood ready to make Good on the Food, but, when +they asked him to name an Evening, he looked them over and could not +find them entered in the Blue Book, so he turned them down cold and +pulled the Old One about a Previous Engagement. + +MORAL: One never can tell from the Sidewalk just what the View is to +some one on the Inside, looking out. + + +THE TREASURE IN THE STRONG BOX + +Once there was a Hireling at the tail-end of a Pay Roll who longed to +get a Chunk of Money so that he could own a House and pick out his own +Wall-Paper. + +He read an Ad in a Religious Weekly. It said to Hurry and get a Slice +of the Bullkon Mining Company because on July 1st the Price would be +whooped from $1 a Share to $2.75. The Guggenheims wanted it but the +Directors preferred to slip it to the American People. + +The Property was right up against some other Property so rich that the +Workmen engaged in lifting out the Precious Metal had to wear Goggles +to keep from being blinded. + +The Man fell for it. He rushed to the Savings Bank and drew his Wad +and sent it to a Man with several Chins, who had to sit at a Desk for +nearly an hour each Day taking Money out of Envelopes. + +The Stockholder received a Certificate. It had at the Top an Engraving +of a Lady spilling Golden Nuggets out of a Cornucopia and below was a +Seal and the Signatures of all the Officers of the Company. Any one +standing off ten Feet from this Certificate couldn't have told it from +a 1915 Bond of the Pennsylvania Company. + +Every Week the Stockholder found in his Mail a Report from the Expert +in charge of Shaft No. 13 in the Skiddykadoo Fields showing that the +Assay ran $42.16 and the Main Lateral had been opened as far as the +Mezzanine Drift, which meant that the $1 Shares would be selling around +$85 before the Holidays. + +Whereupon he would pinch out some of the Money about to be frittered +away on Dress Goods and Cereals and send it to J. Etherington Cuticle, +Promoter, who was thus enabled to have a new Collar put on his Fur +Coat. + +In course of Time the incipient Monte Cristo had a Bale of +Certificates. He could borrow a Pencil and figure out, in a few +Minutes, that when the Stock went to Par (as per Prospectus) he would +land a few feet behind Hetty Green and somewhat in advance of the +First National Bank. + +While he was waiting for Dame Fortune, with the Sheet wrapped around +her, to begin rolling it out of the Cornucopia, as advertised on the +One-Sheets, he inadvertently up and died. + +The Administrator and the Brother-in-Law went over the stuff at the +Safety Deposit. They checked all the Items from the outlawed Note +down to the Delinquent Tax Notice and then advised the Widow to pick +out a nice lucrative Position in a Hand Laundry. + +Two Years passed by. The Family was now living in Comfort. Down in a +Bureau Drawer, with the Dance Programs and the High School Diplomas, +reposed the Stock Certificates of the Bullkon Gold and Silver Mining +and Development Company, Inc. + +The Widow had been tempted to use them on the Shelves, but every time +she looked at the Litho of the Benevolent Female dumping the $20 Gold +Pieces out of the Cornucopia, and saw the Seal, and alongside of it the +majestic Signature of J. Etherington Cuticle, and noted that the total +Face Value was $80,000, she would replace the Elastic and decide to Wait. + +One day a soft-spoken Gentleman met her as she returned from her Daily +Toil and said that a Syndicate was about to take over all the Holdings +of the Bullkon G. and S. M. and D. Co., Inc., and stood ready to +purchase her Stock. + +With trembling Hands she undid the Bundle. It took a long time to make +the Count but when he got it all straightened out and figured up, he +looked her straight in the Eye and said: "It comes out to One Dollar +and Eighty-Two Cents." + +MORAL: Fiction is stranger than Truth. + + +THE OLD-FASHIONED PROSECUTOR + +One morning a great Judge, who had been promoted to the Bench because +he could not connect as a Lawyer, climbed up on his Perch and directed +the Lord High Sheriff to feed him a few Defendants. + +"We have rounded up a tough bunch of Ginks," said the Attorney for the +Commonwealth. "I shall ask your Honor to Soak them good and proper." + +The first to be led in was a grinning Imp with a wide Mouth, large +Freckles and flapping Ears. + +It was proven that he stuck Pins into his Grandmother and blew up +Elderly Gentlemen with Cannon Crackers and set fire to Houses and was +a hard Nut in general. The Prosecutor suggested a Dungeon with Bread +and Water. + +Up spoke the Prisoner as follows: "I defy you to lay a Hand on me. I +am the Stand-By of the Comic Artist and the Star Attraction of the +Colored Supplement. When I pull the Step-Ladder from under some +Honest Workingman, causing him to break his Leg, or hit a Stout Lady in +the Eye with a Brick, please remember that I am bringing Sunshine into +thousands of Homes. As I go on my way, committing Arson, Mayhem, and +Assault, with Intent to Kill, I am greeted by Peals of Childish +Laughter. When you put me out of Business, you will be handing the +Circulation an awful Wallop. I am not a Criminal; I am an Institution." + +"I remember you very well," said the Judge. "You are my Excuse for +buying the Paper. While the Kids are busy with you, I look up Packey +McFarland and One-Round Hogan." + +Just as the Celebrated Juvenile hit the Fresh Air the second Defendant +came into The Dock, taking long sneaky Strides and undulating like a +Roller Coaster. She was a tall Gal and very Pale, with Belladonna +Optics and her Hair shook out and a fine rhythmical Bellows Movement +above the Belt Line. + +"She is a raving Beetle," explained the Prosecutor. "She wants to go +out doors every Night and count the Moon and pull some of that shine +Magazine Poetry. Every time she sees anybody named Eric or Geoffrey +she does a Swoon, accompanied by the customary Low Cry, and later on, +in her own Boudoir, which is Richly Furnished, she bursts into a +Torrent of Weeping. If you start her on a Conversation about Griddle +Cakes she will wind up by giving a Diagnosis of Soul-Hunger. She is +a Candidate for Padded Cell No. 1 in the big Foolish House. If she +continues at Large she may accidentally marry some poor misguided +Clarence, and then, if there are any Children, the Neighbors will +have to take care of them." + +"Do you not recognize me?" asked the Prisoner in low musical Tones, +fixing a passionate Gaze on the Court. "I am the Heroine of a Best +Seller. If I did not have these large Porcelain Orbs and the Bosom +heaving in Rag Time and the Hair swirling in Glorious Profusion, do you +suppose that a Member of the Upsilon Pajama Sorority would sit up +until 1 A. M. with Me and a Bottle of Queen Olives and a Box of Chocs? +If I made up like an ordinary Sadie and talked Straight Stuff, do you +think I could last through Ten Editions? I may not be Human, but I +can raise the Temperature of every Flathead from Bangor to San Antone." + +"You are dead right," said the Court. "We couldn't keep house without +you." + +So she proceeded to exit, sneeringly, her Garments rustling and a faint +Aroma of Violets lingering in her Wake, just as it does in the Red Book +that sells for $1.50. + +The next Prisoner was a big handsome Buck with his Clothes recently +pressed and many Gloves. + +"I want a Life Sentence for this Guy," said the learned Prosecutor. +"He is so crooked that a Straight Edge would cut him in a thousand +places. He would bite an Ear-Ring off of a Debutante or blow open a +Family Vault to unscrew the Handles from the Casket containing Father. +He promotes phoney Corporations and sells Florida Orange Groves that +have Crocodiles swimming around on top of them. He is a prize Bunk, +a two-handed Grafter, a Short-Change Artist and a Broadway Wolf. Slip +him the Limit." + +"You've got me wrong, Steve," said the Prisoner, softly. "I used to be +a Depraved Character, but now I am the Big Hero. Under the revised +Code of Morals a Handy Boy who goes out and trims a Boob for everything +in his Kick becomes recognized as a Comedy Hit and every Seat on the +Lower Floor goes for two Bones. Instead of doing a Lock-Step to and +from the Broom Factory, I work up to a Dress Suit Finish and marry the +Swell Dame. And the Mob is with me. If it came to a Straw Vote +between me and Lyman Abbott, I would win by a City Block." + +"The Gentleman speaks the Truth," said the Court. "In this Fair Land +we forgive a Man anything if his Work has Class. Instead of committing +you to the Pen, I shall arrange to spend the Evening with you." + +The next was a tall snaky Female with black Beads all over her Person +and she was smoking a Cigarette, half closing her Eyes as she blew +Rings toward the Ceiling. + +"Judge, she is some Brazen Hussey, believe me," said the Prosecutor. +"After turning Flip-Flops around the Ten Commandments for fifteen years +she married a Good Man and put him on the Fritz. Her regular Job is to +loll on a Divan and turn the Coaxing Eye on some poor Geezer who is +wandering from Drawing Room to Drawing Room, trying to have his Life +wrecked. Please send her up. She is a Menace to Respectable Society." + +The Prisoner looked at him in haughty Disdain. + +"I am not a Low Woman," she said, proudly. "I am a Matinee Favorite. +The Best People in our City hang their Chins over the Seats in front +and cry softly whenever I get into Trouble. Don't lock me up or they +will be lonesome." + +"Go, woman, and keep on Sinning," said the Court, in a kind Voice. + +Then, turning to the Defender of the General Good, he said. "You are +two years behind the Procession. Hereafter arrest only Business Men +who have been Successful." + +MORAL: Criminality is merely a Side-Issue. + + +THE UNRUFFLED WIFE AND THE GALLUS HUSBAND + +One day a Married Woman who was entitled to a long row of Service +Stripes on her Sleeve, sat in the Motor, and watched the remainder of +the Sketch try out his new trick Monoplane. + +He scooted away with the Buzzer working overtime and soon was cloud- +hopping about a Mile overhead. + +When he began doing the Eagle Swoops and the Corkscrew Dips, which so +often serve as a Prelude to a good First Page Story with a picture of +the Remains being sorted out from the Debris, most of the Spectators +gasped and felt their Toes curling inside of their Shoes, but Wifey +never batted an Eye. With only one little Strand of Wire or +perchance a Steering Knuckle standing between her and a lot of +Insurance Money, she retained both her Aplomb and the Lorgnette. + +"How can you bear to watch it?" asked a Lady Friend, who was heaving +perceptibly. + +"Listen," replied the Good Woman. "For many Snows I have been sitting +on the Side Lines watching the Dear Boy take Desperate Chances. To +begin with, he married into Our Family. Once, at Asbury Park, he +acted as Judge at a Baby Show. Later he put a lot of Money into a +Bank, the President of which wore Throat Whiskers and was opposed to +Sunday Base Ball. He has played Golf on Public Links, hunted Deer +during the Open Season in the Adirondacks and essayed the Role of +Claude Melnotte in Amateur Theatricals. Once he attended a Clam Bake +and took everything that was Passed. An another time he made a Speech +when the Alumni celebrated a Foot Ball Victory. Frequently he goes +Shopping with me. Last year he acted as Angel for a Musical Comedy. +The Driver of our Car is a Frenchman. And don't overlook the Fact that +for Six Years he has been a Stock Broker. He may fall at any Moment, +but if he does he will pick out a Haystack on the way down." + +MORAL: The Wright Brothers were not the first to be Up in the Air. + + +BOOKS MADE TO BALANCE + +Once there was a Husky employed to crack the Whip around a smoky Works +that did not offer an attractive Vista from the Car Window, although +it blossomed with a fragrant crop of Dividends every time the Directors +got together in the Back Room. + +Most of the American Workingmen employed in this Hive of Industry came +from remote parts of Europe. Each wore his Head entirely in front of +his Ears and had taken an Oath to support the Constitution. + +It was the duty of the Husky to keep these imported Rabbits on the Jump +and increase the Output. + +He made himself so strong that he was declared In every time a Melon +was sliced, and when it came time to Scramble the Eggs and pull of the +grand Whack-Up, he was standing at the head of the Line with a Basket +on his Arm. + +So it came about that one who started in a Thatched Cottage and grew +up on cold Spuds and never saw a Manicure Set until he was 38 years of +age, went home one day to find Gold Fish swimming about in every Room +and Servants blocking the Hallways. + +He had some trouble finding Rings that would go over his Knuckles and +the Silk Kind felt itchy for quite a while, but finally he adjusted +himself to his new Prosperity and began to deplore the apparent Growth +of Socialism. + +This rugged and forceful Character, to whom the Muck-Rakers referred as +a Baron, had a Daughter who started out as Katie when she carried the +Hot Coffee over to Dad every Noon. + +When she got her first Chip Diamond and Father switched from the Dudeen +to Cigars, she was known in High School Circles as Katherine. + +And when Pop got in on the main Divvy and began to take an interest in +Paintings, the name went down on the Register at the Waldorf as +Kathryn, in those peaked Sierra Nevada Letters about four inches high. + +Katie used to go to St. Joseph's Hall once in a while with Martin, the +Lad who helped around the Grocery. + +Katherine regarded with much Favor a Pallid Drug Clerk who acted as a +Clearing House for all Local Scandal. + +But say, when Kathyrn came back from a vine-clad Institute overlooking +the historic Hudson and devoted to the embossing and polishing of the +Female Progeny of those who have got away with it, she began working +the Snuffer on all the Would-Bes back in the Mill Town. When she got +through extinguishing, the little Group that remained looked like the +Remnant of the Old Guard at Waterloo. + +Father had to stick around because occasionally the eight thousand Good +Tempered Boys on the Pay Roll would begin to burn with Wood Alcohol and +the Wrongs of Labor and pull off a few Murders, merely to hasten the +Triumph of Justice. + +By the way, Kathryn had a Mother who used to hide in a room upstairs +and timidly inspect her new Silk Dresses. + +Kathryn applied the Acid Test to her People and decided that they never +could Belong. + +She swung on the General Manager for a Letter of Credit big enough to +set Ireland free and went traipsing off to the Old World under the +chaperonage of a New York Lady who had seen Better Days. + +Now it will be admitted that William J. Burns is Some Sleuth, but when +it comes to apprehending and running to Earth a prattling American +Ingenue with a few Millions stuffed in her Reticule, the Boy with the +mildewed Title who sits on the Boulevard all day and dallies with the +green and pink Bottled Goods has got it all over Burns like a Striped +Awning. + +All the starving members of the Up-Against-It Association were waiting +at the Dock to cop the prospective Meal Ticket. Not one of them had +ever Shaved or Worked and each wore his Handkerchief inside his Cuff +and had Yellow Gloves stitched down the Back, and was fully entitled +to sit in an Electric Chair and have 80,000 Volts distributed through +the Steel Ribs of his Corset. + +As soon as Kathryn began to meet the Roqueforts and Camemberts she +discovered that they had Lovely Eyes and certainly knew how to treat +a Lady. + +Kathryn had been brought up on Philadelphia Literature, and even during +her most ambitious Social Flights she had encountered the Type of Man +who remains on the opposite side of the Room having trouble with his +White Gloves. + +She never had been against those Willing Performers from Gascony who +wore Red Ribbons and Medals and who rushed over to kiss the Hand and +then look deep into her Eyes and throb like a Motor Boat. + +This class of Work simply shot her Pulse up to 130 and made her think +that she was Cleopatra, floating in the Royal Barge and surrounded by +Crawling Slaves. + +When a certain Markee crawled into her Lap and purred into her Ear and +threatened to curl up on the Rug and die if she Refused him, she simply +keeled over with Excitement. + +After she recovered, she found herself actually Engaged to the +Representative of one of the Oldest Families in the Saucisson District +of the Burgoo Province and as manly a Chap as ever borrowed Money from +a Toe-Dancer. + +She hurried home to keep it out of the Newspapers and to tell those who +would listen that American Men were Impossible. Then the Markee came +over with his Solicitor and a Bottle of Chloroform and a full kit of +Surgical Instruments, and the Wedding was fully reported by the +Associated Press. + +The Captain of Industry sized up Son-in-Law, and knew that when the +Money was gone the Markee could always get a job hanging up Hats in the +Check-Room of a first-class Table d'Hote Restaurant. + +From the window of her Chateau in the Burgoo Province the Lady Cashier +can see the American Tourists going by in their hired Motor Cars. Her +Cheek flushes with Delight when she happens to remember that in another +Three Months or so, Friend Husband will come home long enough to show +her where to sign her Name. + +What is more, she has the Privilege of walking out at any time and +picking Flowers with the Understanding that she is not to let it be +known that she is related to any of her Relatives on either side of the +Atlantic. + +MORAL: Europeans made the Money and they had a Right to pull it down. + + +THE TWO UNFETTERED BIRDS + +Once there was a Girl with a gleaming New Hampshire Forehead who used +to exchange helpful Books with a studious young Man who had an +Intellect of high Voltage. + +It will not be necessary to name these Gazooks, as you never heard of +them. + +Laura and Edgar were Comrades, in a way. They met under the Student +Lamp and talked about Schopenhauer and Walter Pater, but the Affair +never got beyond that Point. It was not even warm enough to be called +Platonic. It carried about as much Romantic Suggestion as a cold Hot +Water Bag. + +There grew up between them merely a Fellowship of the Super-Mind, or +what a Wimp wearing Tortoise-Shell Spectacles would call Cosmahogany. + +Having cleared away the Underbrush, we will now proceed with the +Narrative. + +Like every other Member of the Tribe of Mansard Mentalities, they +regarded with much Contempt the School of Popular Fiction. + +Do you think they would stand for any of that old-style Guff about +Sir Ralph getting the Hammer-Lock on Dorothy just outside the Loggia? +Not on your Thought Waves! + +They regarded the Article commonly called Love as a lingering Symptom +of some primeval Longing for Parlor Entertainment. + +It was agreed that each Soul was free and independent, and had a right +to run on its own private Time-Table. + +Laura said she was going to live her Life in her own Way and that no +Wallopus in striped Trousers could leave her marooned in a Flat, +working under Sealed Orders. + +Edgar did not choose to carry Overweight while working out his Career +and grew faint at the very Thought of shouldering a lot of Domestic +Responsibilities. + +Marriage was an institution devised for Strap-Hangers who wanted to get +their Names into the Paper. + +It was a childish Refuge for those who lacked Courage to forsake the +beaten Paths and strike out for the High Spots. + +It will be seen that they were somewhat Advanced. As far back as 1890 +they were living in the 21st Century. + +Laura went in for Club Work and Cold Baths and Card-Indexing. + +She felt sorry for the Married Women. They were always fussed up over +getting a Laundress or telling about new cases of Scarlet Rash or else +'phoning the Office to make sure that the Bread-Winner was at the Desk +and behaving himself. + +When she let down her Hair at Night she did not have to do any checking +up or put the bottle of Squills on the Radiator. + +She was Free and Happy. A little lonesome on Rainy Days, but the +freest thing you ever saw and she had her Books. + +Edgar looked about him and saw the Slaves of Matrimony watching the +Clock and getting ready to duck at 11 P. M. and rejoiced inwardly. + +He could land in at his little Independence Hall at 4 G. M., and turn +on all the Lights and drape his Wardrobe over the Rugs and light +Cigarettes and there was not a Voice to break the celestial Stillness. + +He figured that Children must be an awful Worry. + +He brooded over the Kid Proposition so much that soon after he was 30 +years of Age he used to go around and borrow his Nephews and Nieces and +take them to the Circus and buy expensive Presents for them and upset +the Household Rules. + +Occasionally he would take a new Book dealing with the Higher Things of +Life up to his old friend Laura and he would find her feeding the +Birds, with the Cat asleep in the Corner and an imported Dog with many +Curls pre-empting the principal Chair. + +They would discuss Prison Reform and Kipling and other Subjects in no +way related to the awakening of the Maternal Instinct. + +When he owned up to 40 and she had stopped talking about it, the +Reading Habit was no longer a Novelty with him, so merely to kill Time, +he was acting on the Visiting Board of an Orphan Asylum and was a +Director of the Fresh Air Fund and was putting the Office Boy through +a Business College. + +About the same time Laura was made the victim of a Conspiracy. + +A designing Day Laborer and his Wife deliberately up and died, leaving +a Chick of a Daughter, all helpless and alone. + +Laura simply had to go over and grab the Young One and play Mother to +her, because it all happened hardly a Mile from her own Door-Step. + +She had been dodging these commonplace and old-fashioned +Responsibilities all her Life and now cruel Circumstances compelled her +to spend Hours in servile Attentions to a stray Specimen. + +Of course, she had the Expert Advice of her old friend Edgar, who made +out the Adoption Papers and sent a lot of Merchandise up to the House, +out of the promptings of a broad and general sentiment of Pity for the +Unfortunate. + +Even when they stood up to be Married they were still stringing +themselves. + +He was bald and grizzled and she was a little droopy around the +Shoulders and had not been able to massage away the more important +Wrinkles. + +They scouted the Suggestion that it was a Love Match. + +It seemed that she needed a Night Watchman and he was afraid to be +alone in the Dark with the Memories of the Past. + +MORAL: After you pass 40 you must take charge of something Human, +even if it is only a Chauffeur. + + +THE TELLTALE TINTYPE + +Once there was a worried Parent whose only Son could not quite make +up his Mind whether to join a High School Frat or go on the Stage. + +He was at the long-legged Age and walked Loose and stepped on his own +Feet, and whenever he walked briskly across the Floor to ask some +Tessie to dance with him, every one crowded back against the Wall to +avoid getting one on the Shin. + +He combed his Hair straight back, like a Sea Lion, and in Zero Weather +wore a peculiar type of Low Shoe with a Hard-Boiled Egg in the Toe. + +His overcoat was of Horse Blanket material with a Surcingle, and the +Hat needed a Hair Cut and a Shave. When he topped off his Mardi Gras +Combination with a pair of Yellow Gloves that sounded like a Cry for +Help and went teetering down the Street, his Father would vent Delight +over the Fact that the Legislature had passed Game Laws. + +One day at Luncheon Father got so Steamy that he had to blow off. So +he opened up on Son and practically wiped him off the Map. He sure +burned him Alive. + +He kidded the whole Make-Up and said he was the Male Parent of a +Champion Gillie, whatever that is. + +He said the Hat was a Scream and the Overcoat was a Riot and the +overlapping Collar with the dinky Four-in-Hand was a Comic Supplement, +and why had such a Freak been wished on to a hard-headed Business Man. + +He laughed brutally at the low comedy Shoes with the swollen +Promontories and the Trousers with the double Reef and the folding +Cuffs and the Hair with the Patent-Leather Gloss. + +Mother sat back tapping her Foot and trying to hold in, but she was +Sore as a Crab, for she loved her Lambkin. + +Finally she could not stand it any longer, so she rushed to the Boudoir +and produced from [a] Bureau Drawer the Tintype which Papa had slipped +to her just 8 weeks before they faced the Justice of the Peace at +Akron, Ohio. + +It was the True likeness of a Male Hyena whose Hair was combed low on +the Forehead into a gummy and passionate Cow-Lick. + +He had one of those Gates Ajar Collars that was primarily intended to +display the Adam's Apple in all of its naked Splendor. + +The Shirt was ruffled the same as the Lingerie in an Advertisement, and +the Watch Chain was of Human Hair, which is now regarded as a +Penitentiary Offense. + +The Boutonniere was a Carnation against a Leaf of Geranium with Tin +Foil below, which is no longer being done in the Best Families. + +The form-fitting Trousers led gradually down to Congress Gaiters +pointed on the End like Nut-Picks. + +Father took one Peek at Exhibit A and then gave Albert a V and told +him to hunt up some of his Boy Friends and take them to a Matinee at +the Orpheum. + +MORAL: Whatever you may be, your Parents were more so at the same Age. + + +THE END + + +[Colophon] +THE COUNTRY LIFE PRESS +GARDEN CITY N. Y. + +[Transcriber's notes: +Accents and the tilde have been deleted to make a 7-bit file. +The reading "G. M." for "A. M." has been retained, since it occurs twice. +Line 1452: should it be "an Orator never has been known to Decline"? +Line 1627: "go Blind" substituted for "go Blink" +Line 1937: "Ory-Eyed" in text; is "Dry-Eyed" meant? +Line 2226: i.e., Menu] + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Knocking the Neighbors, by George Ade + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KNOCKING THE NEIGHBORS *** + +***** This file should be named 19829.txt or 19829.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/8/2/19829/ + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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