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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/19813.txt b/19813.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c61ff22 --- /dev/null +++ b/19813.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5264 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Ade's Fables, by George Ade + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Ade's Fables + +Author: George Ade + +Release Date: November 14, 2006 [EBook #19813] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ADE'S FABLES *** + + + + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + + + + +ADE'S FABLES +BY GEORGE ADE + +BY THE SAME AUTHOR +_The College Widow, In Pastures New, Knocking the Neighbors, +Fables in Slang_ + +_Illustrated by John T. McCutcheon_ + +GARDEN CITY NEW YORK +DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY +1914 + +_Copyright, 1912, 1913, by_ +COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE + +_Copyright, 1914, by_ +DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & CO. + +_All rights reserved, including that of +translation into foreign languages, +including the Scandinavian._ + + +CONTENTS +The New Fable of the Private Agitator and What He Cooked Up +The New Fable of the Speedy Sprite +The New Fable of the Intermittent Fusser +The New Fable of the Search for Climate +The New Fable of the Father Who Jumped In +The New Fable of the Uplifter and His Dandy Little Opus +The New Fable of the Wandering Boy and the Wayward Parent +The New Fable of What Transpires After the Wind-up +The Dream That Came Out with Much to Boot +The New Fable of the Toilsome Ascent and the Shining Table-Land +The New Fable of the Aerial Performer, the Buzzing Blondine, and the + Daughter of Mr. Jackson +The New Fable of Susan and the Daughter and the Granddaughter, and then + Something Really Grand +The New Fable of the Scoffer Who Fell Hard and the Woman Sitting By +The New Fable of the Lonesome Camp on the Frozen Heights +The New Fable of the Marathon in the Mud and the Laurel Wreath + +ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted] + +ADE'S FABLES + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE PRIVATE AGITATOR AND WHAT HE COOKED UP + +Ambition came, with Sterling Silver Breast-Plate and Flaming Sword, and +sat beside a Tad aged 5. The wee Hopeful lived in a Frame House with +Box Pillars in front and Hollyhocks leading down toward the Pike. + +"Whither shall I guide you?" asked Ambition. "Are you far enough from +the Shell to have any definite Hankering?" + +"I have spent many Hours brooding over the possibilities of the +Future," replied the Larva. "I want to grow up to be a Joey in a +Circus. I fairly ache to sit in a Red Wagon just behind the Band and +drive a Trick Mule with little pieces of Looking Glass in the Harness. +I want to pull Mugs at all the scared Country Girls peeking out of the +Wagon Beds. The Town Boys will leave the Elephant and trail behind my +comical Chariot. In my Hour of Triumph the Air will be impregnated +with Calliope Music and the Smell of Pop-Corn, modified by Wild +Animals." + +Ambition went out to make the proper Bookings with Destiny. When he +came back the Boy was ten years old. + +"We started wrong," whispered Ambition, curling up in the cool grass +near the Day-Dreamer. "The Trick Mule and the Red Cart are all very +well for little Fraidy-Cats and Softies, but a brave Youth of High +Spirit should tread the Deck of his own Ship with a Cutlass under his +Red Sash. Aye, that is Blood gauming up the Scuppers, but is the +Captain chicken-hearted? Up with the Black Flag! Let it be give and +take, with Pieces of Eight for the Victor!" + +So it was settled that the Lad was to hurry through the Graded Schools +and then get at his Buccaneering. + +But Ambition came back with a revised Program. "You are now Fifteen +Years of Age," said the Wonderful Guide with the glittering Suit. "It +is High Time that you planned a Noble Career, following a Straight +Course from which there shall be no Deviation. The Pirate is a mere +swaggering Bravo and almost Unscrupulous at times. Why not be a great +Military Commander? The Procedure is Simple. Your Father gives the +Finger to the Congressman and then you step off the Boat at West Point. +Next thing you know, you are wearing a Nobby Uniform right out on the +Parade Ground, while bevies of Debutantes from New York City and other +Points admire you for the stern Profile and Military Set-Up. After +that you will subdue many Savage Tribes, and then you will march up +Pennsylvania Avenue at the head of the whole Regular Army, and the +President of the United States will be waiting on the Front Porch of +the White House to present you with a jewelled Sword on behalf of a +Grateful Nation." + +"You are right," said the Stripling. His eyes were like Saucers, and +his Nostrils quivered. "I will be Commander-in-Chief, and after I am +laid away, with the Cannon booming, the Folks in this very Town will +put up a Statue of Me at the corner of Sixth and Main, so the Street- +Cars will have to circle to get around it." + +Consequently, when he was in his 21st Year, he was sitting at a high +Desk in an Office watching the Birds on a Telegraph Wire. The +Knowledge he had acquired at the two Prep Schools before being pushed +into the Fresh Air ahead of Time had not made him round-shouldered. + +He was a likely Chap, but he wore no Plumes. + +He became dimly conscious that Ambition was squatted on the Stool next +to him. + +"Up to this time we have been Dead Wrong," said the Periodical Visitor. +"There is only one Prize worth winning and that is the Love of the +Niftiest Nectarine that ever came down a Crystal Stairway from the +Celestial Regions to grace this dreary World with her Holy Presence. +Yes, I mean the One you passed this morning--the One with her hair in +a Net and the Cameo Brooch. Why not annex her by Legal Routine and +settle down in a neat Cottage purchased from the Building and Loan +Association? You could raise your own Vegetables. Go to it." + +Four years elapse. Our Hero now has everything. The jerry-built home +of the Early Bungalow Period stands up bravely under the Mortgage. +Little Dorothy is suspended in a Jump Chair on the Veranda facing +Myrtle Avenue, along which the Green Cars run direct to City Hall +Square. The Goddess is in the kitchen trying to make preserves out of +Watermelon Rinds, with the White House Cook Book propped open in front +of her. Friend Husband is weeding the Azaleas and grieving over the +failure of the Egg-Plant. + +He finds himself gently prodded, and there is Ambition once more at his +Elbow. + +"You are entitled to One Hundred Thousand Dollars," murmurs the +stealthy Promoter. "Why should some other Citizen have his Coal-Bin +right in his House while you carry it from a Shed? Your Wife should +sit at her own Dinner Table and make signs at the Maid. And as you +ride to your Work with the other dead-eyed Cattle and see all those +Strong-Arm Johnnies coming out of their Brick Mansions to hop into +their own Broughams and Coupes, have you not asked yourself why you are +in the Horse-Cars with the Plebes when you might be in a Private Rig +with the Patricians?" + +For, wot ye, Gentle Reader, all this unwound from the Reel before the +first Trolley Car climbed a Hill or the first Horseless Carriage came +chugging sternly up the Boulevard. + +So Ambition received special Instructions to make Our Hero worth +$100,000. + +Those were the day of tall Hustling: If he saw an Opening six inches +wide, he held it with his Foot until he could insert his Elbow, and +then he braced his Shoulder, and the first thing you knew he was on the +Inside demanding a fair cut of the Swag. + +The Golden Rule received many a Jolt, but he adhered strictly to the +old and favorite Admonition: If you want Yours, take a short piece of +Lead Pipe and go out and Collect. + +On a certain January First he made a careful Invoice. All the Hard- +Earned Kale dropped into the Mining Companies or loaned to Relatives +of Wife he marked off and put under the Head of Gone but not Forgotten. +He was a True Business Guy. Even after subtracting all Cats and Dogs +he could still total the magnificent Sum of One Hundred Thousand +Dollars. + +When he looked at this Mound of Currency, he felt like a Vag and a +Pauper. For he had climbed to the table-lands of High Finance and +taken a peek at the Steam-Roller methods of the Real Tabascos. + +"Make it a Million," said Ambition, leaning across the Table and +tapping nervously. "Are you going to be satisfied with a Station Wagon +and a Colored Boy when you might have a long-waisted Vehicle with two +pale Simpsons in Livery on the Box? When you go into your Club and see +the Menials kow-towing to a cold-looking Party with rippling Chins who +seems to favor his Feet, you know that he gets the Waving Palms and the +Frankincense because he is a Millionaire. You and the other financial +Gnats are admitted simply to make a Stage Setting for the Big Squash." + +"I always said that when I got a Hundred Thousand I'd take a long +Vacation in Europe and learn how to order a Meal," suggested Our Hero, +holding out weakly. + +"When you came back you would find your hated Rival on the Hill with +the Batteries turned against you. Camp on the Job and work straight +toward the High Mark. And remember that anybody with less than a +Million is a Two-Spot in a soiled Deck." + +From that day the Piking ceased. No more of the dinky trafficking of +the Retailer. He went out and bought Public Service Utilities on +Nerve, treated them with Aqua Pura by the Hogshead, and created Wealth +by purely lithographic Methods. And, if he wanted to reason out a +Deal with a contrary-minded Gazook, he began the Negotiations by +soaking the Adversary behind the Ear and frisking him before he came +to. + +A Fairy Wand had been waved above the snide Bungalow, and it was now +a Queen Anne Chateau dripping with Dew-dads of Scroll Work and +congested with Black Walnut. The Goddess took her Mocha in the +Feathers, and a Music Teacher came twice each week to bridge the awful +chasm between Dorothy and Chopin. Dinner had been moved up to Milking +Time. Sweetbreads and Artichokes came into the Lives of the Trio thus +favored by Fortune. + +One day the busy Thimble-Rigger took his Helpmate into the lonesome +Library and broke the glad Tidings to her. + +"I have unloaded all my Cripples," he said. "They have been wished on +a Group of Philanthropists in New England. Sound the glad Tocsin. I +have a Million in my Kick." + +So she began packing the huge Saratogas and reading the Folders on +Egypt and the Riviera. He sat in his Den pulling at a long black +Excepcionale. Through the bluish clouds of Smoke came that old +familiar Voice. + +"Let the Missus and the Heiress do the European Thing," said Ambition. +"You stick around. Wait for Black Friday. Then get busy at the +Bargain Counter. By and by the new Crop will begin to move, and Money +will creep out of the Yarn Stockings and a few Wise Gazabes will cop +all the Plush. In every Palm Room there are more Millionaires than +Palms. But the Big Round Table over by the Fountain is always reserved +by Oscar for the Lad who can show Ten Millions." + +The Ocean Greyhound moved out past Sandy Hook with the Family and all +the Maids on board, but Papa remained behind to sharpen his Tools and +get ready for another Killing. + +Every time he was given a Crimp in the Rue de la Paix he caught even by +leading a new Angora up the Chute and into the Shambles. + +When the fully matured Goddess and the radiant Heroine of the latest +International Alliance came home with the French Language and two tons +of Glad Raiment, they found themselves reuning with the Magnate at the +big Table over by the Fountain. + +Our Hero was now sleeping in a Bed almost twelve feet wide, with a silk +Tent over it. One Morning he found the Companion of many Years sitting +on the edge of the Mattress. + +"Again?" asked the Multi-Millionaire. "What next?" + +"The Exercises up to this Time have been Preliminary," said Ambition. +"What is the good of a Bank Roll if you cannot garnish it with the +delectable Parsley of Social Eminence? Get a Wiggle on you. Send for +the Boys with the Frock Coats and the Soft Hats and let them dig in to +their Elbows. Tell the Press Agent to organize a typewriting Phalanx. +Assume a few Mortgages on fluttering Newspapers. Lay a Corner-Stone +ever and anon. Be Interviewed." + +"What are you leading up to?" asked the Financial Giant, a sickly Fear +creeping into the Region formerly occupied by his Heart. + +"The Logical Finish," replied Ambition, with a reassuring Pat on the +Shoulder. "You must go to the Senate. The White Palace, suitable for +entertaining purposes, now awaits you in Washington. The Bulb Lights +glow dimly above the Porte Cochere. A red Carpet invites you to climb +the Marble Stairway and spread yourself all over the Throne. On a +Receiving Night, when the perfumed Aliens in their Masquerade Suits +rally around the Punch Bowl, your Place will resemble the Last Act of +something by Klaw & Erlanger. You will play Stud with the Makers of +History and be seen leaving the Executive Mansion." + +This Line of Talk landed him. He Fell for it. That year the Christmas +Tree drooped with valuable Gifts for the Boys who stood after they +were hitched. + +He went up to Washington with an eviscerated Check-Book in his Pocket, +and a faint Odor of Scandal in his Wake, but he was a certified Servant +of the People. His Cut Flowers were the Talk in Official Circles. The +most Exclusive consented to flirt with his Wine Cellar. + +To a mere Outsider it looked as if Ambition had certainly boosted his +Nobs to the final Himalayan Peak of Human Happiness. He had a House as +big as a Hospital. The Hallways were cluttered with whispering +Servants of the most immaculate and grovelling Description. His Wife +and the Daughter and the Cigarette-Holder she had picked up in Europe +figured in the Gay Life of the Nation's Capital every Night and went +to see a Nerve Specialist every Day. The whole Bunch rode gaily on the +Top Wave of the Social Swim, with a Terrapin as an Escort and a squad +of Canvas-Back Ducks as Body-Guard. + +Notwithstanding all which, Father was the sorest Hard-Shell that +motored along Pennsylvania Avenue. + +The Dime Denouncers printed his Picture, saying that he was owned by +the Interests and hated the sight of a Poor Working Girl. When the +High Class continuous Show in the Senate Chamber showed signs of +flopping and the Press Gallery became impatient, some Alkali Statesman +of the New School would arise in his Place and give our Hero a Turning- +Over, concluding with a faithful Pen-Picture of the Dishonored Grave +marked by a single Headstone, chiseled as follows: "Here lies a +Burglar." + +When he went traveling, he had his Food smuggled into the Drawing-Room. +He knew if he went drilling through the Pullmans, some of the +Passengers who had seen the Cartoons might recognize him as the +notorious Malefactor. + +One day, while he was cowering in a dark corner of his Club to get +away from the pesky Reporters, he was joined by the Trouble-Maker. + +"I gave you the wrong Steer," said Ambition, now much subdued. "You +are in Dutch. Beat it! All the Rough-Necks down by the Round-House +and the fretful Simps along every R. F. D. Route are getting ready to +interfere in the Affairs of Government. The Storm Clouds of Anarchy +are lowering. In other words, the new Primary Law has begun to do +business. Every downtrodden Mokus owing $800 on a $500 House is honing +for a Chance to Hand It to somebody wearing a Seal-Skin Overcoat. From +now on, seek Contentment, Rural Quietude, and a cinch Rate of 5 Per +Cent. on all your Holdings." + +So Ambition, after leading him hither and yon, finally conducted him to +the swell Country House surrounded by Oaks and winding Drives and +Sunken Gardens. + +Far from the Hurly-Burly he settled down among his Boston Terriers and +Orchids and Talking-Machines and allowed Old Age to ripen and mellow +him into a Patriarch of the benevolent Pattern. + +At the suggestion of an expensive Specialist, he went in for Golf. +After he had learned to Follow Through and keep within 100 yards of +the Fair Green, he happened to get mixed up in a Twosome one day with +a walking Rameses who had graduated from the Stock Exchange soon after +the Crime of '73. This doddering Shell of Humanity looked as if a High +Wind would blow him into the Crick. When he swung at the Pill, you +expected to hear something Snap. + +Our Hero had about 10 Years on the Ancient, and it looked like a +Compote. But the Antique managed to totter around the Course, playing +short but safe, always getting Direction and keeping away from the +Profanity Pits. + +He never caught up with Colonel Bogey, but he had enough Class to trim +our Hero and collect 6 Balls. + +Ambition rode home with the unhappy Loser in the $12,000 Limousine. +"Buck up, Old Top," said the faithful Prompter. "Fasten your Eye on +the Ball and don't try to Force. He is sure to blow up sooner or +later. Take another Lesson to-morrow morning and then publish your +Defi in the afternoon." + +He never had been strong enough to stand off Ambition. So the next Day +he took on Old Sure-Thing again and got it in the same Place. + +No wonder. The Octogenarian was of Scotch Descent. He was the Color +of an Army Saddle. He never smiled except when the Kilties came on +tour. His Nippie consisted of a tall Glass about half full and then +a little Well Water. + +A plain American Business Man with a York State Ancestry had a fat +Chance against this Caledonian frame-up. + +But that same persistent Ambition kept sending him back to the Ring to +take another Trouncing. + +One day he failed to show up at the Club House. The Trained Nurse, who +fanned him during the final Hours, never suspected. But the Caddy- +Master knew that he had died of a Broken Heart. + +MORAL: Those who travel the hardest are not always the first to +arrive. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE SPEEDY SPRITE + +One Monday Morning a range and well-conditioned Elfin of the Young +Unmarried Set, yclept Loretta, emerged into the Sunlight and hit the +Concrete Path with a ringing Heel. + +This uncrowned Empress of the 18th Ward was a she-Progressive assaying +98 per cent. pure Ginger. + +Instead of trailing the ever onward Parade, she juggled the Baton at +the head of the Push. + +In the crisp introductory hours of the Wash-Day already woven into the +Plot, Loretta trolleyed herself down into the Noise Belt. + +She went to the office of the exclusive Kennel Club and entered the +Chow Ki-Yi for the next Bench Show. At the Clearing House for K. M.'s +she filed a loud call for a Cook who could cook. Then she cashed a +check, ordered a pound of Salted Nuts (to be delivered by Special Wagon +at once), enveloped a ball of Ice Cream gooed with Chocolate, and soon, +greatly refreshed, swept down upon a Department Store. + +A Chenille Massacre was in full swing on the 3d floor, just between the +Porch Furniture and Special Clothing for Airmen. Loretta took a run +and jump into the heaving mass of the gentler Division. She came out +at 10.53 with her Sky Piece badly listed to Port and her toes flattened +out, but she was 17 cents to the Good. Three hearty Cheers! + +So she went over to an exhibition of Paintings, breathing through her +Nose for at least an Hour as she studied the new Masterpieces of the +Swedo-Scandinavian School. Each looked as if executed with a Squirt +Gun by a Nervous Geek on his way to a Three Days Cure. Just the same, +every Visitor with a clinging Skirt and a Mushroom Hat gurgled like a +Mountain Stream. + +In company with four other Seraphines, plucked from the Society Col., +she toyed with a Fruit Salad and Cocoa at a Tea Room instituted by a +Lady in Reduced Circumstances for the accommodation of those who are +never overtaken by Hunger. + +The usual Battle as to which should pick up the Check and the same old +Compromise. A Dutch Treat with the Waitress trying to spread it four +ways and the Auditing Committee watching her like a Hawk. Then a 10- +cent Tip, bestowed as if endowing Princeton, and the Quartet +representing the Flower of America's Young Womanhood was once more out +in the Ozone, marching abreast with shining Faces and pushing white- +haired Business Men off into the Sweepings. + +Loretta went to a place with a glass Cover on it and had herself +photoed in many a striking Posture. With the Chin tilted to show the +full crop of Cervical Vertebrae and her Search Lights aimed yearningly +at the top of the Singer Building, she had herself kidded into +believing that she was a certified Replica of Elsie Ferguson. + +As a member of the Board of Visitation she hurried out to the Colored +Orphan Asylum to check up the Picks and watch them making Card-Board +Mottoes. + +After that she had nothing to do except fly home and complete a Paper +on the Social Unrest in Spain, after which she backed into the +Spangles, because Father was bringing an old Stable Companion to +dinner. + +In the evening she took Mother to a Travel Lecture. The colored Slides +were mingled with St. Vitus Glimpses of swarming Streets and galloping +Gee-Gees. They came home google-eyed and had to feel their way into +the Domicile. + +Tuesday A. M. dawned overcast with shifting winds from the N. E.. +Loretta pried herself away from the third Waffle in order to hike to +the corner and jack up Mr. Grocer about the Kindling Wood that he had +sent them for Celery. + +She had the Druggist 'phone the Florist, and then rewarded him by +purchasing three Stamps. + +At 9.30 the Committee to arrange for the Summer Camp of the In-Wrong +Married Women whirled through the untidy Suburbs in a next year's +Motor Car, and Loretta was nowhere except right up on the front Seat +picking out the Road. + +Once a year the Ladies of the Lumty-Tum went out with their embroidered +Sand-Bags and swung on their Gentlemen Friends for enough Dough to pay +the Vacation Expenses of Neglected Wives and Kiddies. + +In every community there is an undiscovered Triton thoroughly posted on +the Renaissance of the Reactionaries and the recrudescence of the Big +Six Baby with the up-twist that has the Whiskers on it. This Boy is so +busy regulating both Parties and both Leagues that when it comes time +for his Brood to take an Outing, some ignorant Outsider has to step in +and unbelt. + +After letting contracts for Milk and Vegetables, Loretta and the other +specimens of our Best People zipped over to the Country Club, breaking +into silvery Laughter every time the Speedometer made a Face at the +Sign-Board which said that the Speed Limit was 12 Miles an Hour. + +They showed a few milk-fed Springers how to take a Joke, and then +played an 18-hole Foursome which was more or less of a Grewsome. + +Then a little Tea on the Terrace with Herbert lolling by in his +Flannels, just as you read about it in Mrs. Humphrey Ward. + +A buzzing sound dying off into the distance, a trail of Blue Smoke in +the fading Twilight, and little Bright Eyes is back in her own Boudoir +packing herself into a new set of Glads. + +That evening she had four throbbing Roscoes curled up among her Sofa +Pillows. + +She had to bat up short and easy ones for this Bunch, as they came from +the Wholesale District. + +When they began to distribute political Bromides, the artful Minx sat +clear out on the edge of the Chair and let on to be simply pop-eyed +with Ardor. + +Shortly after 12 she turned the last night-blooming Cyril out into the +Darkness and did a graceful Pirouet to the Husks. + +On Wednesday morning, between the Ham and Eggs, she glanced at her +double-entry Date Book and began to gyrate. + +On the way down-town she stopped in and had herself measured for a new +mop of hair. + +Thence to the Beauty Works to have the peerless Frontispiece ironed out +and the Nails ivoried. + +When she appeared at the Sorority Tiffin at 1 P. M. she was dolled for +fair. + +The Response in behalf of the Alumnae of Yamma Gamma was a neat Affair. +After swiping the Table Decorations, she and two Companions hurried to +a Mat. It was a Performance given under the auspices of the +Overhanging Domes, and the Drama was one that no Commercial Manager +had the Nerve to unload on the Public. The Plot consisted of two +victims of Neurasthenia sitting at a Table and discussing Impaired +Circulation. + +That evening she helped administer the Anesthetic to a Seminary Snipe +who was getting into the Life Boat with a hard-wood Bachelor grabbed +off at the 11th Hour. + +Loretta wept softly while straightening out the Veil, in accordance +with Tradition. Later on she did an Eddie Collins and landed the +Bride's Bouquet. At 11.30 she had the Best Man backed into a Corner, +slipping him that Old One about his Hair matching his Eyes. + +It is now Thursday morning and who is this in the Gym whanging the +Medicine Ball at the Lady Instructor with the Face? + +It is Loretta. + +Behold her at 10.30, after an icy Splash and a keen rub with a raspy +Towel. + +She has climbed back into the dark-cloth Effect and is headed for the +Studio of Madam to grapple with the French Lesson. + +After that she will do nothing before Lunch Time except try on White +Shoes and fondle some Hats that are being sacrificed at $80 per throw. + +The Suffrage Sisters rounded up Thursday afternoon. A longitudinal +Brigadieress in the army of Intellectuality did the main Spiel, with +Loretta as principal Rooter. + +The Speaker was there with the Pep and with the Vocabulary. Otherwise +she was a Naughty-Naughty. The costume was a plain Burial Shroud, the +only Ornament being a 4-carat Wen just above the Neck-band. + +At 4 P. M., after the Male Sex had been ground to a Hamburger, our +little Playmate escaped to a Picture Show, but not until she had duly +fortified herself with the nourishing Marshmallow. + +There was nothing on the Cards that night except a Subscription Dance, +which got under way at 10 P. M. and never subsided until the cold +Daylight began to spill in at the Windows. + +Loretta did a 27 out of a possible 29. Percentage .931--six better +than Bogey and 400 points ahead of Ty Cobb. + +Nevertheless and notwithstanding, don't imagine that she failed to come +up for Air on Friday Morning. + +Life is real, Life is earnest, and she had a Gown to be shortened up +and re-surveyed around the Horse Shoe Curve, just as soon as she could +leave the Gloves to be cleaned. + +Happening into Automobile Row, she permitted a blond salesman with a +Norfolk Jacket to demonstrate the new type of Electric Runabout. + +One of the most inexpensive pursuits of the well-dressed Minority is to +glide over the Asphalt in a Demonstration Car and pretend to be +undecided. + +She permitted the man to set her down at a Book Shop, where she +furtively skinned eight Magazines while waiting for a Chum to pop +through the Whirligig Door. + +The two went Window-Hopping for an hour. After making Mind Purchases +of about $8000 worth of washable Finery edged with Lace, a spirit of +Deviltry seized them. + +They ordered their Lettuce Sandwiches and diluted Ceylon in a +Restaurant where roguish Men-about-Town sat facing the Main Entrance +to pipe the pulchritudinous Pippins. + +Was it seven or eight Party Calls that she checked from her social +Ledger before 4 o'clock? Answer: eight. + +Then a swinging Gallop for home. Whilst she had been socializing +around, Robert W. Chambers had taken a lead of two Novels on her. +Retiring to a quiet Alcove with four Volumes that were being dissected +at the drawing-room Clinics, she took a hack at the first and last +Chapter of each. Just enough to protect her against a Fumble if she +found herself next to a Book Sharp. + +That evening a famous Hungarian Fiddler, accompanied by a warbling +Guinea Hen and backed up by sixty Symphonic Heineys wearing Spectacles, +was giving a Recital for the True Lovers in a Mammoth Cave devoted to +Art. + +Loretta had a sneaking preference for the May Irwin School of +Expression, but she had to go through with the Saint-Saens Stuff now +and then to maintain a Club Standing. + +Accordingly she and Mother and poor old dying Father, with no Heart in +the Enterprise, were planted well down in Section B, where they could +watch Mrs. Leroy Geblotz, who once entertained Nordica, and say "Bravo" +at the Psychological Moment. + +On Saturday Morning, after she had penned 14 Epistles, using the tall +cuneiform Hieroglyphics, she didn't have a blessed thing to do before +her 1 o'clock Engagement except drop in at a Flower Show and a Cat +Show and have her Palm read by a perfectly fascinating Serpent with a +Goatee who had been telling all the Gells the most wonderful things +about themselves. + +A merry little Group went slumming Saturday afternoon. They attended +a Ball Game. Loretta had her Chin over the Railing and evinced a keen +Interest, her only Difficulty being that she never knew which Side was +at bat. + +At dusk she began hanging on the Family Jewels. It was a formal Dinner +Party with a list made up by Dun and Bradstreet. + +Loretta found herself between an extinct Volcano of Political World and +a sappy Fledgling whose Grandfather laid the cornerstone of Brooklyn. + +The Dinner was one of those corpseless Funerals, stage-managed by a +respectable Lady with a granite Front who had Mayflower Corpuscles +moving majestically through her Arterial System. + +Loretta was marooned so far from the Live Ones that she couldn't wig- +wag for Help. Her C. Q. D. brought no Relief. + +She threw about three throes of Anguish before they escaped to the +private Gambling Hell. + +Here she tucked back her Valenciennes and proceeded to cop a little +Pin-Money at the soul-destroying game known as Bridge. + +At 11.30 she led a highly connected volunteer Wine Pusher out into the +Conservatory and told him she did not think it advisable to marry him +until she had learned his First Name. + +Shortly after Midnight she blew, arriving at headquarters just in time +to participate in a Chafing-Dish Jubilee promoted by only Brother, just +back from the Varsity. + +She approached the Porcelain in a chastened mood that Sabbath morning. +She was thinking of the Night Before and of playing cards for Money. +She remembered the glare of Light for overhead and the tense, eager +Faces peering above the Paste-Boards. + +Then she recalled, with a sharp catch of the Breath and a little tug of +Pain at the Heart, that she had balled herself up at one Stage and got +dummied out of a Grand Slam. + +"It would have meant a long pair of the Silk Kind," thought she, as she +sighed deeply and turned the cold Faucet. + +After Breakfast, she took a long Walk up the Avenue as a Bracer. + +After which to the Kirk, for she taught a class of Little Girls in the +Sunday School, and she had to fake up an Explanation of how Joshua made +the Sun stand still, thereby putting herself in the Scratch Division +of Explainers, believe us. + +She listened to a dainty Boston Sermon, trimmed with Ruching, singing +lustily before and after. + +Then back home with the solemn Parade to sit among the condemned +waiting for that superlative Gorge known as the Sunday Dinner. + +While she was waiting, a male Friend dropped in. His costume was a +compromise between an English Actor and a hired Mourner. + +On Week Days he sat at a Desk dictating Letters and saying that the +Matter had been referred to the proper Department. + +He looked at Loretta, so calm and cool and collected in her pious +Raiment, and the Smile that he summoned was benevolent and almost +patronizing. + +"I was wondering," said he. "I was wondering if a Girl like you ever +gets tired of sitting around and doing nothing." + +Loretta did not cackle. She had read in a Book by a Yale Professor +that Woman is not supposed to possess the Sense of Humor. + +MORAL: The Settlement Campaign is not getting to the real Workers. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE INTERMITTENT FUSSER + +Once a grammar-school Rabbit, struggling from long Trousers toward his +first brier-wood Pipe, had Growing Pains which he diagnosed as the +pangs of True Love. + +The Target was a dry-seasoned Fannie old enough to be his Godmother. +She was a Post-Graduate who was keeping herself on Earth by running +to the Drug-Store every few minutes. + +The Eye-Brows were neatly blocked out by some Process unknown to the +writer, and she had a Shape that could be revised ad lib. + +An Expert would have Made her at a glance, but the Cub fell for the +Scenery and Mechanical Effects. + +He had sketched a little synopsis of the Future. After waiting 8 +years, until she had unpetaled into the perfect bloom of Womanhood +and he was wearing a Full Beard, he would take her by the Long Glove +and lead her off into Dreamland. + +Just to show how one of those pinfeather Passions may be shunted onto +a Siding and left among the Dog-Fennel, when the Subject of this Sketch +was _aetat_ 22, he was picking them out of the Air in the Left Garden +at the State University. Fannie (she of the purchased Pallor) was +thoroughly married to a Veterinary with the Drug Habit. + +Soon after recovering from the Pip, known in Medical Parlance as the +Spooney Infantum, he began to glory in the friendship of an incipient +Amazon who wore a Blazer and walked like a Policeman. + +She did not hamper her fibrous Physique with any excess Harness that +might pinch when she essayed a full St. Andrew's Swipe with a wooden +Club. And she had one lower octave of Pipes, like a Brakeman on the +Erie. + +There comes a brief Period in the Veal Epoch of every Sentimental +Tommy when the only real Cutie is one who can propel a Canoe and throw +Overhand. + +So Walter, such being the baptismal Handicap, often thought it would be +Sweet Billiards to keep house with the she-Acrobat for 30 or 40 years, +because when they were tired of sitting in the House they could go into +the Front Yard and play Ketch. + +He was just at the rickety Age when the Gams refuse to co-ordinate. +Every time he sauntered carelessly across the porch at a Summer Hotel, +he gave a correct Imitation of a troop of Cavalry going over a Wooden +Bridge at full Gallop. + +He had a way of backing into Potted Plants. + +Each Morning was clouded by the task of picking out a Cravat that would +be of the same Radio-Activity as his Socks. And all through the waking +hours he carried with him a faint and sickly Realization that his +Parents did not understand him. + +One day he stood before a kind-faced Registrar and matriculated. +Branded as a regular Freshman, he went back to his little Den and put a +news-stand Photo of Lillian Russell between two Pennants. + +The whalebone Divinity in the Home Town passed out of his Life. He +told himself that he would be true to Miss Russell and all the other +Members of her sprightly Profession. + +The emotional side of his unfolding Nature began to nourish itself on +Song Hits, and he slept each night with his Banjo folded tightly to his +Bosom. + +He became acquainted with a Sophomore who once sat near Trixie Friganza +in a Parlor Car. One night Alice Nielsen looked directly at the Box in +which he was seated with the other Fraters of the Ippy Ki Yi. In fact, +his Life became crowded with tingling Experiences. + +The collection of Cigarette Pictures made him acquainted with many +Celebrities. His intimacy with them grew apace as he developed a +bookish appetite for Sunday Newspapers. + +He danced with the local Chickadees, but all the time his Heart was far +away, in the Dramatic Column. + +Suddenly he found that he was an Upper Classman, to whom each Neophyte +touched the Leaf of Lettuce balanced on top of the Head, ostensibly as +a Cap. + +He became endowed with the divine Right to hit himself on the Leg with +a Walking Stick and sit on a hallowed Fence. + +Simultaneous-like, he became conscious of the fact that the Footlight +Favorites were no longer worthy of him. He began to hold long and +serious Conversaziones with the Sister of a Prof. + +She was an aerial Performer who wore powerful Spectacles, in which any +one standing before her could see an Image of himself, greatly reduced. +She looked as if she had been sitting up all night, writing a History +of Civilization. + +Walter found himself uplifted every time they were left together in the +Library. Sometimes she took him up so high that he became dizzy. + +He now began to prog as follows: He and the Lady Emerson would be +legally welded just after Commencement and spend the Honeymoon at some +lively Chautauqua. + +The grinding Wheels and raucous buying and selling of the Marts of +Trade seemed faint and far away when he roamed through the Cloisters +with Elfreda. He was in the moulting Stage, and it seemed to him that +Success in Life would consist of going about reeking of Culture. + +A Degree looked bigger than a Dividend. + +He never had heard tell of such a thing as a Coal-Bill or a Special +Assessment for a Sewer. + +The vision of Elfreda floated out through a Transom three days after he +drew a Desk in the extensive Works owned by the Governor. + +He was too busy keeping his Head above the Churning Waves to bother +with Speculative Philosophy or write Letters studded with Latin +Phrases, like Currants in an English Cake. + +All the cringing Peons in the big Stockade hated him because he had a +Drag. It was up to him to deliver the Merchandise and demonstrate +that he was a Human Being rather than a College Graduate. + +In the meantime, the Spectators were hoping that he would Skid and go +into the Fence. + +He began to wear his Frat pin on his undershirt, and he had no time to +frivol away on the fluffy Gender, because he expected to be sitting in +the Directors' Room in a couple of years, talking it over with Henry C. +Frick. + +So he waved aside the Square Envelopes and allowed himself to be billed +all over the Macaroon Circuit as a Woman-Hater. + +Of course he girled in a conservative way, but he merely trailed. He +did not buzz, or throw himself at the fallen Handkerchief, or run to +get the Wraps, or do any of the Stuff that marks the true and bounden +Captive. + +When he found himself in the cushioned Lair of a Feline, he would lean +back in perfect Security, knowing that even if she exercised her entire +repertoire of Wiles, she could not warm the Dead Heart nor stir into +life the fallen Rose Leaves of Romance. + +All the time she was spilling her familiar line of Chatter, he would +look at her with an arid and patronizing Smile, such as the Harvard Man +produces when he finds himself in immediate juxtaposition to some human +Caterpillar from west of Pittsburgh. + +Very often, when the registered Dolly Grays got together for a Bon-Bon +Orgy, some one would say, "Oh, Crickey, ain't he the regular Cynic?" +Another might suggest that he was hiding a great Sorrow, his whole +Existence having been embittered by the faithlessness of some Creature. +Then they would take a Vote and decide that he was a plain Mutt. + +The Chauncey who refuses to reciprocate will excite more Conversation +than a regular Union Lover, but it is Lucky for him that he does not +hear all the Conversation. + +Walter at the age of twenty-five thought he was too old and sedate to +be a Diner-Out and Dancing Devil. + +When he was 28, however, he had become Hep to the large and luminous +Truth that the man who sits in his Lodgings reading Dumas may overlook +many a Bet. + +He noted on every Hand the nice-looking Boys who turned in about 10.40 +and avoided the Pitfalls of Society, and most of them were pulling down +as much as $14 a week. + +He recalled what this humble Chronicler had said away back in 1899: +"Early to Bed and Early to Rise and you will meet very few of our Best +People." + +He looked over the Lay-Out and decided that it was just as easy to +mingle with the Face Cards as to sleep in the Discards. + +He saw many a Light Weight with a gilt sign exposed on Main Street and +no Assets except a Suit with a Velvet Collar, a pair of indestructible +dancing Legs, and just enough intellectual Acumen to stir Tea without +spilling it. + +So he decided to have a try at the Gay Life and worm his way into the +Safety Deposit Vaults via the Parlor Route. + +A worthy Resolve and one often taken. + +If a Friend of the People can capitalize his Vocal Cords, why should +not the little Brother of the Rich put his undying Nerve into the +Market and get what he can on it? + +The Captain of Finance is usually owned, Body and Soul, by the other +Half of the Sketch. She may be a head bell-ringer in the D. A. R. or +the blue-pencil Queen of the Golden Pheasants, but in a vast majority +of cases she has not the Looks to back up the Title. + +Even the Buckingham Palace manner and the Arctic Front cannot buffalo +the idle Spectator into overlooking the fact that she belongs to the +genus Quince. + +She may not be a Beaut, but it is She who stands at the main entrance +to the Big Tent and tears off seat coupons. + +Walter knew that if he wished to be mentioned all over town as a Sure- +Enough, his passport to the Inner Circle of Hot Potatoes would have to +be vised by Patroness No. 1. + +He began to work in the Secret Service of the Chosen Few and was First +Aid to the Chaperons. + +A Hard Life, say you? Not a tall--not a tall. + +He was entirely surrounded by Fairy Lamps and sweet-smelling Flowers. +Life became a kaleidoscopic Aurora Borealis. + +When the first Crash of Music came through the hothouse Palms, Walter +would be out on the Waxen Floor with his hair in a Braid. + +Through the long watches of the night he played Blonde against Brunette +and then went home with his Time-Card bearing the official O. K.. + +He swam among the floating Hooks and side-stepped the Maternal Traps, +until the compilers of Marital Statistics had his name in the list +marked "Nothing Doing." + +The Dope on him seemed to be that he was Immune and Jinx-Proof. + +After he led one of them back to a Divan and fed her an Ice it was a +case of "Good Night, Miss Mitchell." + +Truly, a Bachelor flown with Insolence and Pride is the favorite Mark +for the Bow-and-Arrow Kid. For every weather-beaten Beau and Ballroom +Veteran there is waiting somewhere in Ambuscade a keen little Diana +with the right kind of Ammunition. + +One night he went to a Small Dance in his regular Henry Miller suit +and wearing a tired look around the Eyes. He counted these minor +Functions a dreadful Bore. + +Over in a corner sat a half-portion Damosel who had come to town on a +Visit. Her name was Violet, and she looked the Part. + +She didn't know who was running for President or what Miss Pankhurst +said about Suffrage, but she had large belladonna Orbs, with Danger +lurking in their limpid depths. + +She was just at the Age when any girl who is not actually Deformed +looks fair to middling, while the real Dinger, with the Tresses and +the Complexion and the gleaming white Shoulders and the Parisian +figure, is right there with a full equipment for breaking up Families. + +Old Dare-Devil Dick, the Hero of 1000 Flirtations, was sitting out one +of the Dances recently condemned by Press and Pulpit. + +He became aware of the presence of something Feminine at his immediate +right. He took a cautious Look and beheld a timid Debutante, sparkling +with the Dew and waiting to be plucked. + +She gave him a frightened Smile and lamped him very slowly. + +Suddenly he felt himself wafted away on a cloud of Purple Perfumery. +She had put the Sign on him without lifting a Finger. + +His friends tried to save him. They demonstrated, with a Pencil and a +Piece of Paper, that she was just an ordinary, everyday Baby Doll with +a Second Reader intelligence and the Spiritual Caliber of a Humming +Bird. They proved that exactly the same kind were scattered through +every Department Store, working for $6 a week. + +When they got thorough knocking, he hurried over and told her +everything and promised her that if she would marry him, not one of +these Snakes would ever be permitted to enter the House. + +He writhed on the Rug and said that if she didn't whisper that One +Little Word, it would be a case of Satin Lining and Silver Handles for +little Wallie. + +She looked out the Window and yawned slightly and then said, "Oh, very +well." + +He rode home standing up in a Taxicab, while she was showing the Maids +a lozenge-shaped Ring that set him back 450 Bucks. + +MORAL: The higher they fly the harder they fall. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE SEARCH FOR CLIMATE + +Once there was a Gentleman of the deepest dye who was all out of +Kilter. He felt like a list of Symptoms on the outside of a Dollar +Bottle. He looked like the Picture you see in the Almanac entitled, +"Before Taking." + +When his Liver was at Perihelion, he had a Complexion suggesting an +Alligator-Pear, and his Eye-Balls should have been taken out and +burnished. + +He could see little dirigible Balloons drifting about in all parts of +the deep-blue Ether. His Tummy told him that some one had moved in and +was giving a Chafing-Dish Party. Furthermore, a red-hot Awl had been +inserted under each Shoulder Blade. + +When every Tree was a Weeping Willow and the Sun went slinking behind a +Cloud, his only definite Yearn was to crawl into a dark Cellar with +Fungus on the Walls and do the Shuffle, after making a sarcastic Will +that disinherited all Relatives and Friends. + +This poor, stricken Gloomer had time-tabled himself all over the +Universe, trying to close in on a Climate that would put him on his +Feet and keep him Fit as a Fiddle. + +He had de-luxed himself to remote Spots that were supplied with Steam +Heat and French Cooking, together with Wines, Liquors, and Cigars, but +no matter what the Altitude or the Relative Humidity, he felt +discouraged every Morning when he awoke and remembered that presently +he would have to rally his Vital Forces and walk all the way to the +Tub. + +It was too bad that a Clubman, so eminent Socially, should be thus shot +to Rags and Fragments. Could aught be more Piteous than to Witness a +proud and haughty Income tottering along the Street, searching in vain +for a Workingman's Appetite? When one with a spending possibility of +$2 a Minute is told by a Specialist to drink plenty of Hot Water, the +Words seem almost Ironic. + +His Operating Expenses kept running up, and yet it looked like sheer +Waste to lavish so much Collateral on the upkeep of a Physical Swab. + +To show you how he worked at recouping his Health, once he spent a +whole Summer in Merrie England. He had been told by a Globe-Trotter +that One lodging within a mile of Trafalgar Square could hoist +unlimited Scotch and yet sidestep the Day After. + +The Explanation offered by members of the Royal Alcoholic Society is +that the Moisture in the Atmosphere counterbalances or nullifies, so to +speak, the interior Wetness. + +Also, the normal state of Melancholy is such that even a case of +Katzenjammer merely blends in with the surrounding Drabness. + +He experimented sincerely with the Caledonian Cure, acquiring a rich +sunset Glow, much affected by half-pay Majors and the elderly Toffs who +ride in the Row. He began to wear his Arteries on the outside, just +like a true son of Albion. This cherry-ripe Facial Tint proves that +the Britisher is the most rugged Chap in the World--except when he is +in Stockholm. + +In fact, if the New York Duds worn by the Yank had been less of a Fit, +and he could have schooled himself to look at a Herring without +shuddering, he might have rung in as a Resident of the tight little +Isle, for he was often Tight. + +He learned to like the Smoky Taste and could even take it warm, but +still he felt Rocky, and up to 3 P. M. was only about 30 per cent. +Human. + +One evening in a polite Pub he heard about the wonderful Vin Ordinaire +of Sunny France. He was told that the Peasants who irrigated +themselves with a brunette Fluid resembling diluted Ink were husky as +Beeves and simply staggering with Health. + +So he went motoring in the Grape and Chateau District and played Claret +both ways from the Middle. Every time the Petrol chariot pulled up in +front of a Brasserie, he would call for a Flagon of some rare old +Vintage squeezed out the day before. + +Then he would go riding at the rate of 82 Kilos an Hour, scooping up +the Climate as he scooted along. + +Notwithstanding all these brave Efforts to overtake Health, he would +feel like a frost-nipped Rutabaga when the matutinal Chanticleer +told him that another blue Dawn was sneaking over the Hills. + +He began to figure himself a Candidate for a plain white Cot in the +Nerve Garage, when he heard of the wonderful Air and Dietary Advantages +of Germany. It seemed that the Fatherland was becoming Commercially +Supreme and of the greatest Military Importance because every Fritz +kept himself saturated with the Essence of Munich. + +He could see on the Post-Cards that each loyal subject of Wilhelm was +plump and rosy, with Apple Cheeks and a well-defined Awning just below +the Floating Ribs, and a Krug of dark Suds clutched in the right Mitt. + +All the way from Duesseldorf to Wohlgebaum he played the Circuit of +Gardens with nice clean Gravel on the Ground and Dill Pickles festooned +among the Caraway Trees. Every time the Military Band began to breathe +a new Waltz he would have Otto bring a Tub of the Dark Brew and a +Frankfurter about the size of a Sash Weight. + +Between pulls he would suspire deeply, so as to get the full assistance +of the Climate. + +Sometimes he would feel that he was being benefitted. + +Often at 9 P. M., before taking his final Schnitzel and passing gently +into a state of Coma, he would get ready to renounce allegiance to all +three of the Political Parties in the U. S. A. and grow one of those +U-Shaped Mustaches. + +Next Morning, like as not, he would emerge from beneath the Feather +Tick and lean against the Porcelain Stove, wondering vaguely if he +could live through the Day. + +The very Treatment which developed large and coarse-grained Soldiers +all through Schleswig-Holstein seemed to make this Son of Connecticut +just about as gimpy as a wet Towel. + +Undismayed by repeated Failures, he took some Advice, given in a +Rathskeller, and went to a Mountain Resort famous for a certain brand +of White Vinegar with a colored Landscape on the Label. + +It was said that anyone becoming thoroughly acidulated with this noble +Beverage would put a Feather into his Granulated Lid and begin to +Yodel. + +He sat among the snowy Peaks, entirely surrounded by the rarefied +Atmosphere so highly boosted in the Hotel Circulars, sampling a tall +bottle of every kind ending with "heimer," and yet he didn't seem to +get the Results. + +At last he headed for the barbaric Region which an unkindly Fate had +designated as Home, almost convinced that there was no Climate on the +Map which would really adapt itself to all the intricate Peculiarities +of his complicated Case. + +Often he would be found in the Reception Room just next to the shake- +down Parlor. + +After reading a few pages in a popular Magazine dated two Years back, +he would be admitted to the little inside Room, faintly perfumed with +something other than New Mown Hay. Here he would cower before the +dollar-a-minute Specialist, who would apply a Dictograph to the Heart +Region and then say "You are all Run Down." + +Next day the Sufferer would collect his folding Trunks and Head-Ache +Tablets and Hot-Water Bags and start for Florida or California or the +Piney Woods. + +Sometimes he would seem to perk up for a Day or two. Enlivened by Hope +and a few Dry Martinis, he would move up to a little Table in the shade +of the sheltering Candelabrum and tackle the Carte du Jour from Caviar +to Cafe Noir. + +The Climate would seem to be helping his Appetite. + +Within 24 Hours, however, he would be craving only some cold Carbonic +and a few Kind Words. + +Florida seemed to enervate him. California was too unsettled. Even in +the Mountains, his Heart always bothered him after a Hearty Meal. And +the Piney Woods only made him Pine more than ever. + +Time and again he would curl up in the palatial Drawing-Room at one end +of the Sleeper and dream that six Life-Long Friends in deep Black were +whispering among the Floral Tributes and putting on Cotton Gloves. + +While searching for the Fountain of Youth he would bump into +Sympathetic Souls of the kind who infest Observation Cars and hold +down Rocking-Chairs in front of Wooden Hotels. These Fellow Voyagers +in the realm of Hypochondria would give him various Capsules and +Tablets, supposed to be good for whatever Ailed one at the Time. +So eager was he to regain his full vigor and be able to eat and drink +everything forbidden by the Doctors, he would fall for every kind of +Dope made from Coal Tar. + +Even if he had worn Blinders he could not have walked past an +Apothecary Shop. + +As he moved about the produced a muffled Castanet Effect, for he had a +little box of Medicated Bullets in every Pocket. + +Yet he was not in Condition. + +His Complexion was a Bird's-Eye Maple, and he looked like the +Superintendent of a prosperous Morgue. + +One Summer Day, when he was only about three jumps ahead of a +Cataleptic Convulsion, he had to get on the Cars and take a long ride +to inspect some Copper Mines which helped to fatten his impotent +Income. The train was bowling through a placid Dairy Region in the +Commonwealth regulated by Mr. La Follette. + +The Chronic Invalid was in the Buffet, trying to work up a Desire for +Luncheon, when suddenly the Car turned a complete Somersault, because +a heavy Freight Train had met Number Six head on. + +When the Subject of this Treatise came to, he was propped up on the +front porch of a Farm House with one Leg in Splits and a kind-faced +Lady pressing Cold Applications to the fevered Brow. + +He was O. K. except that he would have to lie still for a few Weeks +while the Bones did their Knitting. + +The good Country Folk would not permit him to be moved. He was dead +willing to sink back among the White Pillows and figure the Accident +Insurance. + +Through the Honeysuckles and Morning-Glories he could see the long +slope of the Clover Pasture, with here and there a deliberate Cow, and +the Steeple of the Reformed Church showing above a distant clump of +Soft Maples. + +About two hours after emerging from the trance, he made his customary +Diagnosis and discovered that he was nervously shattered and in urgent +need of a most heroic Bracer. He beckoned to the president of the +local W. C. T. U. and said if they were all out of Scotch, he could do +with a full-sized Hooker of any standard Bourbon that had matured in +the Wood and was not blended. + +Nurse readjusted his Pillow and told him that as soon as he came out of +the Delirium he could dally with a mug of Buttermilk. + +By and by, as he gathered Strength, she would slip him some Weak Tea. + +He had heard that in some of these outlying Regions, the Family +Sideboard stood for nothing stronger than Mustard, but this was the +first time he had met Human Beings who were not on visiting Terms with +the Demon Rum. + +At the Cocktail Hour he ventured a second Request for any one of the +standard Necessities of Life, but Mrs. Peabody read him a Passage from +the Family Medicine Book to the effect that Liquor was never to be used +except for Snake Bites. + +When he ordered the Hired Hand to bring him a large Snake, they gave +him a Sleeping Powder and told inquiring Neighbors that he was still +out of his Head. + +Next day he found himself alive, thanks to a wonderful Constitution. +The Samaritans came and stood around his Couch and jollied him and +offered him everything except what he needed. + +When he offered to compromise on Drug-Store Sherry, the Daughter of the +Household, Luella by name, brought out a colored Chart showing the +Interior of a Moderate Drinker's Stomach. After that he was afraid to +Chirp. + +Even the Cigarette was Taboo among these Good People, although Father +could Fletcherize about 10 cents' worth of Licorice Plug each working +Day. + +Far removed from the Lad with the White Apron, and with nothing to +inhale except Ozone, the unhappy Bon Vivant was compelled to put up +with these most unnatural Conditions. + +When he was tired of dozing he could take his choice of any kind of +Milk and read a few more pages of Robinson Crusoe. + +Then ensued the Miracle. + +His Nerves began to unspiral themselves and lie down. He began to sit +up and listen for the Toot of the Dinner Horn. + +As soon as he could hobble on Crutches they put him on the Hay Scales, +and he thought the Thing was out of Whack, for he had taken on 4 +Pounds. + +The Fresh Garden truck seemed superior to any that he had been able to +obtain in the Best Restaurants. + +What was more amazing, he now evinced a critical Interest in Clydesdale +Colts and Leghorn Roosters, although nothing of the sort had ever come +into his Life while he had an Apartment in Forty-seventh Street. + +When he took his game Leg back to the Metropolis, he hurried to the +Club and made a startling Report to all the broken-down Sports +assembled in the Card-Room. + +He said he had discovered the only Climate in the World. It had +Switzerland skinned and was not enervating, like Florida, for he had +been sleeping like a Baby and felt like a 2-year-old every A. M., in +spite of the fact that he could not get his regular Rations. + +He wanted to organize a Company and build a Million Dollar Hotel at +Once. + +With a New York Steward to supply the Table and a well-stocked Cellar, +the Resort ought to get all the classy Trade, for he hoped to die if +the Air out there hadn't done more for him in One Month than Europe had +done in the whole Year. + +MORAL: Nature will sometimes help the Unfortunate who finds it +impossible to reach out and help Himself. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE FATHER WHO JUMPED IN + +Once there was a leading Citizen with only one Daughter, but she was +Some Offspring. + +Bernice was chief Expense Account and Crown Jewel of a Real Estate +Juggler who had done so well that all the Strap-Hangers regarded him as +an Enemy to Society. + +Papa was foolish, even as a Weasel. + +He was what you might call Honest, which signified that all of his Low +Work had been done by Agents. + +A Person of rare judgment, withal. He never copped a piece of bulky +Swag unless he had a Wheelbarrow with him at the time. + +He had been going East with the Green Goods ever since the Party in +Power precipitated the first Panic. + +He had Stacks of the Needful, and his Rating was AA Plus 1, to say +nothing of a Reserve cached in the little Tin Box. + +Daughter alone could include him to unbuckle, and melt, and jar loose, +and come across, and kick in, and sting the Check-Book. + +One day Bernice was a Little Girl, and the next she was head Flossie +among the Debutantes, with a pack of Society Hounds pursuing in Full +Cry, each willing to help count the Bank Roll. + +Father was scared pink when he sized up the Field. + +He still wore box-toed Boots and carried Foliage on the Sub-Maxillary +so that those who came ringing the Front Bell didn't look very lucky +to him. + +Sometimes he would dream that he had been pushed into a Mausoleum and +that a slender Cyril with a Lady's Watch strapped on his wrist was +spending all of that Money for Signed Etchings. + +Whereupon he would awake in a Cold Sweat and try to think of a safe +Recipe for poisoning Boulevard Blighters. + +One day Bernice went out into the Sunshine and found something and +brought it home with her and put it on a Rug in the Elizabethan Room. + +Father came in and took one look and said: "Not for Mine! I won't +stand for any Puss Willow being grafted on to our Family Tree." + +His name was Kenneth, and he reduced his Percentage on the first day by +having the hem-stitched Mouchoir tucked inside of the Cuff. + +Also, it was rumored that he put oil on his Eye-Brows and rubbed +Perfumery on the backs of his Hands. + +Father walked around the He-Canary twice, looking at him over the +Specs, and then he rushed to the Library and kicked the Upholstery out +of an $80 chair. + +He could see the love-light glinting in the Eyes of Bernice. She had +fallen for the Flukus. + +Kenneth was installed as Steady. + +When Bernice saw him turn the Corner and approach the House, he looked +to her like Rupert, the long lost Heir--while Father discerned only an +insect too large to be treated with Powder. + +Kenneth was the kind of Sop that you see wearing Evening Clothes on a +Colored Post-Card. + +If his private Estate had been converted into Pig Iron, he could have +carried it in his Watch Pocket. + +He was re-fined and had lovely Teeth, but those who knew him well +believed the Story that when he was a Babe in Arms, the Nurse had let +him fall and strike on the Head. + +He wore his Hair straight back and used Patent Leather dressing. +He was full of Swank and put on much Side and wore lily-colored Spats +and was an awful Thing all around, from Pa's point of view. + +In a crowd of Bank Directors he would have been a cheap Swivel, but +among the Women Folks he was a regular Bright Eyes. + +When you passed through the Archway of his Intellectual Domain you +found yourself in the Next Block. + +But--he could go into a Parlor and sprinkle Soothing Syrup all over the +Rugs. + +He had a Vaudeville Education and a small Tenor Voice, with the result +that many a fluttering Birdie regarded him as the bona-fide Ketchup. +Bernice thought she was lucky to have snared him away from the others, +and she had slipped him the whispered Promise, come Weal, come Woe. +She had no Mother to guide her, and it looked as if the Family was +about to have a Bermuda wished on to it. + +No wonder Father was stepping sideways. + +He would come home in the evening and find the Mush perched on a Throne +in the Spot Light, shooting an azure-blue Line of desiccated Drool, +with Bernice sitting out in front and Encoring. + +Then he would retire to the back part of the House to bark at the +Butler and act as if he had been eating Red Meat. + +He knew that if he elbowed in and tried to break up the Clinch, it +would mean a Rope Ladder, a piece in the Papers, and a final +Reconciliation, with Parent playing the usual role of Goat. + +He was resolved not to put in the remainder of his Days being +panhandled by a Souffle who wore Dancing Pumps in the Daytime. The +problem was to get shut of the Rodent without resorting to any Rough +Stuff. + +Father had never heard tell of the Perils of Propinquity, and he +thought Psychology had something to do with Fish. + +Just the same, he remembered about a Quail a day for 30 days, and he +knew that the most agreeable Perfumery would not smell right if +applied with a Garden Hose. + +Likewise, he suspected that many a Quarter-Horse would blow, if put +into a two-mile Handicap. + +So he blocked out a Program which proved that Solomon had nothing on +him. + +Instead of grilling young Kenneth and holding him up to Contumely and +forbidding him the use of the Cozy Corner, he started in to boost the +Love Match. + +Kenneth all but moved in his Trunk. + +Father had a chance to weigh him, down to the last Ounce, and study the +simple Mechanism of his transparent Personality. + +Father classified the would-be Child-in-Law as a Gobbie, which means a +Home-Wrecker who is still learning his Trade. + +The Candidate became a regular Boarder. + +Kenneth would sit right up close to old Cash-in-Hand, who would egg him +on to tell Dialect Stories and, after that, show how to make a Salad. +The Stories were some that Marshall Wilder stopped using in 1882 and +since then have been outlawed on the Kerosene Circuit. + +After Bernice had heard these Almanac Wheezes 26 or 28 times, she would +sit still and look at the Center-Piece while Lover was performing. + +The Gags didn't sound as killing as they had at first, and sometimes +she wished the Dear Boy would chop on them. + +No chance. Father had him kidded into believing that all the old +ham-fat Riddles were simply Immense. + +As for that Salad Specialty, the poor Gink who calls loudly for English +Mustard and thinks he is a Genius because he can rub a Bowl with a +sprig of Garlic, may have his brief Hour of Triumph, but no man ever +really got anywhere by doping Salad, when you stop to add it all up. + +Father would put the two young people together in the back of the +Touring Car and ride them around for Hours at a time. + +Anybody who has cut in on one of those animated Automobile +Conversations, while the salaried Maniac from France is hitting up 42 +miles an Hour, will tell you that the hind end of a Motor Vehicle is no +good Trysting Place for an Engaged Couple. + +Bernice would get home after one of these wild swoops into the realm of +the Death Angel, and totter to her room and lie down, and murmur: "I +wonder what ailed Kenneth to-day. He seemed Preoccupied." + +That Same Evening, just when she needed Smelling Salts and Absolute +Quiet, her enthusiastic Father would have Fiance up to Dinner and pull +the same stale Repertoire and splash around in the Oil and Vinegar. + +If any Guests were present, then Father would play Introducer and tell +them beforehand how good Kenneth was. + +When given his Cue, the Lad would swell up and spring a hot One about +the Swede and the Irishman, while Bernice would fuss with the Salt and +wonder dimly if the Future had aught in store for her except Dialect +Stuff. + +Father had read on a Blotter somewhere that Absence makes the Heart +grow fonder, so he played his System with the Reverse English. +He arranged a nice long trip by Land and Water and took the male +Sweetheart along, so that the Doting Pair could be together at +Breakfast. + +His cunning had now become diabolical. He was getting ready to apply +the Supreme Test. + +Every Morning, when Bernice looked over her Baked Apple she saw nothing +in this wide World except Kenneth, still reeking of Witch Hazel and +spotted with Talcum Powder, and not very long on Sparkling +Conversation. + +When he was propped up in the cold Dawn, with his eyes partially open, +he did not resemble a Royal Personage nearly as much as he had in some +of his earlier Photographs. + +Father would order soft-boiled Eggs to be Eaten from the Shell. When +Kenneth got around to these, he would cease to be a Romantic Figure for +at least a few Minutes. Bernice would turn away in dread and look out +at the swaying Trees and long to see some of her Girl Friends back +home. + +After Kenneth had been served to her, three meals a day, for two Weeks +and they had ridden together for Ages and Ages, in Pullman +Compartments, she made certain horrible Discoveries. + +One of his Ears was larger than the other. + +He made a funny noise with his Adam's Apple when drinking Hot Coffee. + +When he was annoyed, he bit his nails. + +When suffering from a Cold, he was Sniffy. + +The first time she became aware of the slight discrepancy in Ears, she +suffered only a slight Annoyance. It handed her a tiny Pang to find a +Flaw in a Piece of Work that she had regarded as Perfect. + +After she had seen nothing else but those Ears for many, many Days, it +became evident to her that if Kenneth truly loved her, he would go and +have them fixed. + +Likewise, every time her Heart's Delight lifted the Cup to his Ruby +Lips, she would grip the Table Cloth with both Hands, and whisper to +herself, "Now we get the Funny Noise." + +Kenneth, in the mean while, had found out that her Hair did not always +look the same, but one who is striving to get a Meal Ticket for Life +cannot be over-fastidious. + +He was Game and stood ready to obey all Orders in order to pull down +the Capital Prize. + +He had been such a Hit in the Maple-Sundae Set that he could not +conceive the possibility of any Female becoming satiated with his +Society. + +The poor Loon never stopped to figure out that the only way to keep a +Girl sitting up and interested is to stay away once in a while and give +her a Vacation. + +Father was right on the Job to see that Bernice had no Vacation. He +framed it up to give her a Foretaste of Matrimony every Day in the Week. +If the Future Husband wandered more than thirty feet from her side, +Father would nail him and Sic him on to her again. + +She would look up and say: "Oh, Fury! Look who's here again!" + +This was no way for a true-hearted Maiden to speak of her Soul Mate. + +Father put the Cap Sheaf on his big Experiment by accepting an +invitation to go Yachting. + +He put them side by side on Deck and told them to comfort each other, +in case anything happened. + +They never could have been quite the same to each other after that Day. +Bernice wanted to get back on Shore and hunt her Room and peel down to +a Kimono and refuse any Callers for a Month. + +Even the accepted Swain was beginning to slow up. He could remember +the time when he used to sit around with members of his own Sex. + +Father had no Mercy. He took the two Invalids back to Land and rounded +them up for Breakfast next morning. + +When Kenneth appeared, he was slightly greenish in Color. + +One Ear was three times as large as the other. He had caught a Sniffy +Cold. + +In partaking of his Coffee he made Sounds similar to those coming +through the Partition when the People in the adjoining Flat have +trouble with the Plumbing. + +He saw Bernice glaring at him and bit his Nails in Embarrassment. + +Father felt the Crisis impending and laid on the last Straw. + +"I was trying to recall that Story," said he--"the One about the German +and the Dog." + +Bernice gave one Shriek and then dashed from the Room, making +hysterical Outcries along the Corridor. + +Father told Kenneth to check all the Trunks for Home and then catch an +early Train. + +Bernice was squirming about on the Hotel Sofa when Father entered the +Room. + +She threw herself into his Arms and passionately demanded, "Why, oh, +why are you trying to force me into marrying that Creature?" + +MORAL: Don't get acquainted too soon. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE UPLIFTER AND HIS DANDY LITTLE OPUS + +Once there was a Litry Guy who would don his Undertaker's Regalia and +the White Satin Puff Tie and go out of an Afternoon to read a Paper to +the Wimmen. + +At every Tea Battle and Cookie Carnival he was hailed as the Big Hero. +A good many pulsating Dulcineas who didn't know what "Iconoclast" +meant, regarded him as an awful Iconoclast. + +And cynical? Mercy! + +When he stood up in a Front Room and Unfolded his MS., and swallowed +the Peppermint Wafer and began to Bleat, no one in the World of Letters +was safe. + +He would wallop Dickens and jounce Kipling and even take a side-swipe +at Luella Prentiss Budd, who was the Poetess Laureate for the Ward in +which he lived. + +Ever since his Stuff had been shot back by a Boston Editor with a +Complimentary Note, he had billed himself as an Author and had been +pointed out as such at more than one Chautauqua. + +Consequently his Views on Recent Fiction carried much weight with the +Carries. + +He loved to pile the Fagots around a Best Seller and burn it to a +Cinder, while the Girls past 30 years of Age sat in front of him and +Shuddered. + +As for the Drama, he could spread a New York Success on the marble-top +Table and dissect it until nothing was left but the Motif, and then he +would heave that into the Waste Basket, thereby leaving the Stage in +America flat on its back. + +And if you mentioned Georgie Cohan to him, the Foam would begin to +fleck his Lips and he would go plumb Locoed. + +After he had been sitting on the Fence for many years, booing those who +tried to saw Wood, his Satellites began coaxing him to write something +that would show up Charley Klein and Gus Thomas and all the other +Four-Flushers who were raking in Royalties under False Pretences. + +They knew he was a Genius, because nothing pleased him. + +He decided to start with something easy and dash off an Operetta. +Having sat through some of the Current Offerings, he noted that the +Dialogue was unrelated to Real Literature and the Verses lacked +Metrical Symmetry. + +It would be a Pipe for a sure-enough Bard to sit down on a Rainy +Afternoon and grind out something that might serve as a Model for Harry +B. Smith. + +So he had a Vase of Fresh Flowers put on his Desk every Day, and he +would sit there, waiting for the Muse to keep her Date. + +At the end of a Month he had it all planned to lay the First Scene in +front of a Palace with a Forest on the Back Drop so as to get a lot of +Atmosphere. + +There was to be a Princess in the Thing, and a Picture of the long-lost +Mother in the Locket and other New Stuff. + +He put in Hours and Hours hand-embroidering the Verses. + +When he made "Society" rhyme with "Propriety," he thought he was +getting Gilbertian. + +While these Lyrics were still quivering, he would take them out and +read them to his wife and the Hired Girl and the man who attended to +the Furnace, and get their Impartial Judgement. + +They agreed that it was Hot Gravy and too good for the Stage. + +Encouraged by these heart-felt Encomiums, he would hike back to the +Study, shoot himself in the Arm with a hypothetical Needle, and once +more begin picking Grapes in Arcady. + +When People came to the House, not knowing that he had been taken down +with anything, he would own up that he was working on a Mere Trifle, +and then, after being sufficiently urged, he would give a Reading. + +These Readings could have been headed off only by an Order of Court or +calling out the State Guard. + +Inasmuch as the large-size Carnegie Medal for Heroism is waiting for +the Caller who has the immortal Rind to tell a poetical Pest that his +output is Punk, the Author found himself smeared with Compliments after +each of these parlor Try-Outs. + +They kidded him into thinking that he had incubated a Whale. + +When he had chewed up a Gross of Pencils and taken enough Tea to float +the Imperator, the great Work was complete and ready to be launched +with a loud Splash. + +He began to inquire the Name of some prominent Theatre Blokie who was a +keen Student of the Classics and a Person of super-refined Taste. +The man he sought had moved into the Poor House, so he compromised by +expressing his typewritten Masterpiece to a Ringmaster whose name he +had seen on the Three Sheets. It was marked, "Valuable Package." +In a few months the hirelings of the Company and the Driver of the +Wagon became well acquainted with the Large Envelope containing the +only Hope of the present decadent Period. + +Every time the Work came back to him, with a brief printed Suggestion +that any Male Adult not physically disabled could make $1.75 a day with +a Shovel, the Author would appear at the Afternoon Club with another +scathing arraignment of certain Commercial Aspects of the Modern Stage. +He saw that it was over their Heads. + +It was too darned Dainty for a Flat-Head who spelt Art with a lower- +case "a." + +Yet it was so drenched and saturated and surcharged with Merit that he +resolved to have it done by Local Amateurs rather than see it lost to +the World. + +The Music was written by Genius No. 2, working in a Piano Store. He +had been writing Great Music for years. + +Whenever he heard something catchy, he went home and wrote it. + +He was very Temperamental. That is, he got soused on about three, and, +while snooted, would deride Victor Herbert, thus proving that he was +Brilliant, though Erratic. + +He had a trunkful of Tunes that were too scholarly for the Ikeys who +publish Popular Trash. + +He fitted them on to the Libretto written by the Litry Guy. + +When the two got together to run over the Book and Score, they were +sure enthusiastic. + +The Author said the Lines were the best he had ever heard, and the +Composer said the Numbers were all Gems. + +When the Home Talent bunch pulled the whole Affair before a mob of +Personal Friends and a subsidized City Editor, it was a Night of +Triumph for all concerned. + +The trained and trusty Liars who, in every Community, wear Evening +Clothes and stand around at Receptions, all crowded up to the Author +and gave him the Cordial Mitt and boosted something scandalous. +He didn't know that all of them Knocked after they got around the Dutch +Lunch. + +He went home, sobbing with Joy. That night he nominated himself for +the Hall of Fame and put it to a Vote, and there was not one Dissenting +Voice. + +Every deluded Boob who can bat up Fungoes in his own Back Yard thinks +he is qualified to break into a Major League and line out Two-Baggers. + +There was no holding the inspired Librettist and the talented young +Composer. + +They knew that the eager Public in 48 States was waiting for the Best +Thing since "Robin Hood." + +The Author went up to the City and found a Manager who had a Desk and a +lot of Courage and a varied experience in risking other people's Coin. +After the two Geniuses had mortgaged their Homes, the Impresario was +enabled to get some Scenery built and rally a large Drove of Artists-- +most of them carrying Hand Bags. + +During Rehearsals the brutal Stage Manager wanted to cut the Gizzard +out of the Book and omit most of the sentimental Arias, but Mr. Words +and Mr. Music emitted such shrieks of protest against the threatened +Sacrilege that he allowed all the select home-made Guff to remain in +the Script. + +He thought it would serve them right. + +When they gave the first Real Performance in a Dog Town on a drizzly +evening in November, there was not Social Eclat to fill the sails. + +The House was mostly Paper and therefore very Missouri. + +Also a full delegation from the Coffin-Trimmers' Union with Cracked Ice +in their Laps. + +They did not owe any Money to the Author or have any Kinfolk in the +Cast, so they sat back with their Hands under them and allowed the +pretty little Opera to die like an Outcast. + +The only Laugh in the Piece was when the Drop Curtain refused to work. + +After the Show the Manager met them at an Oyster House and told them +they had eased a Persimmon to him. + +He said the whole Trick was a Bloomer. It was just as funny as a +Wooden Leg. It needed much Pep and about two tons of Bokum. + +Both Words and Music refused to countenance any radical Changes. +They said it would be another "Cavalleria" as soon as they could do it +before an intelligent Audience of True-Lovers. + +The Ex-Minstrel Man said there wasn't no such Animal as an intelligent +Play-goer. + +The Simp that pushed his Metal into the Box Office wanted Something +Doing every minute and many Gals, otherwise it was back to the Store- +House and a Card in the Clipper. + +The Call on the Board read "Everybody at Ten," but the brainy Writer +and the versatile Composer were not included. + +When they appeared at the Stage Door they were met by Props, who told +them to get to a certain Place out of there. + +Standing in the Alley, they could hear Wails of Anguish, and they knew +that their Child was having the Vital Organs removed. + +The celebrated Author of the Graveyard Rag had been summoned in haste. +He was in charge of the Clinic--taking out the Grammar and putting in +Gags. + +The Duos and Ensembles were being dropped through the Trap Door to make +way for recent Song Hits from the alcoholic Cabarets. + +The Ax fell right on the powdered Neck of the beautiful Prima Donna, +who had studied for Grand Opera, but never had been able to find an +Orchestra that would fit her Voice. + +Her Part was changed from a Princess to a Shop-Lifter and was assigned +to Cissy St. Vitus, late of a Burlesque Bunch known as the Lady Bugs. +The Tenor was given the Hook, and his sentimental Role was entrusted +to a Head-Spinner who had acquired his Dramatic Schooling with the +Ringling Circus. + +All of which comes under the head of whipping a Performance into Shape. + +When the two Geniuses sat out in front they recognized nothing except +the Scenery and Costumes. + +Their idyllic Creation had been mangled into a roughhouse Riot, in +which Disorderly Conduct alternated with the shameless Gyrations +taught in San Francisco. + +The last Act had been omitted altogether without affecting the +coherency of the Story. + +The Plot died just four minutes after the Ring-Up. + +Although the Report showed 27 Encores and the Gate began to jump $80 a +Night, both the intellectual Troubadour and the Student of Counter- +Harmonies went to the Manager and cried on his Shoulder and said that +their Beautiful work had been ruined. + +He called attention to the Chunk of Money tied up in Silk Tights and +fireproof Borders. + +When it came to a show-down between Dough and Art he didn't propose to +tear up his Meal Ticket. + +If they would beat it and stay hid and leave the Artists fatten up +their Scenes, probably the Bloomer could be converted into a Knock-Out. + +While they were in the Sanitarium, the former Minstrel King and young +Abie Fixit from the Music Foundry cut out the last vestiges of the +Original Stuff and put in two Turns that had landed strong over the +whole Orpheum Circuit. + +The romantic Operetta now became known as Another One of Those Things. + +It was eagerly discussed by Club Women and College Students. + +Good seats down in the Observation Rows were not to be had except at +the Hotel News Stand. + +The Litry Guy and the Music-Maker came out of the Rest Cure to learn +that they had registered a Hit and could get their names in "Who's +Who." + +With the Royalty Checks coming in from the eastern Centers of Culture +they were enabled to buy four-cylinder Cars with which to go riding in +lonesome Country Lanes, far from the sight of a Bill-Board. + +When the Number Two Company came along presenting the Metropolitan +Success in the One-Nighters, the reincarnated Gilbert and Sullivan +packed up their Families and escaped to French Lick. + +It was a Sell-Out, because all the Members of the Research Club wanted +to see that new Dido called the Chicken Flop. + +There was no knocking at the Dutch Lunches that night. + +Every one said the Show was a Bint, but they thought it was up to the +Author to resign from the Baptist Church. + +MORAL: In elevating the Drama be sure to get it High enough, even if +you have to make it a trifle Gamey. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE WANDERING BOY AND THE WAYWARD PARENT + +Once there was a story-book Stripling who uncoupled himself from a +Yahoo Settlement and moseyed up to the Congested Crossings and the +Electric Signs. In due time he returned, wearing Gloves and with his +Teeth full of Gold. + +Ever since that historic Example it has been the daily desire of the +Yokel, staked down in a County Seat, to walk in on Judge Gary and form +a Partnership. + +It befell that after a High School Alumnus had gone to a Varsity and +scaled the fearsome heights of Integral and Differential Calculus, he +came home to get some more of Father's Shirts and Handkerchiefs and +take a new Slant at Life's doubtful Vista, while getting his Board for +nothing. + +The Town of his Nativity did not occupy many Pages in the statistical +Census Reports. In fact, all the travelling Troupers who had worked +for K. and E. referred to it as a Lime, which is the same as a Lemon, +only smaller. + +The ambitious Bachelor of Arts had a lot of Geological Data and College +Fraternity Lore stowed away under his Mortar-Board. His hopes were set +on something more noble than a Chair and a Table and a Blotter in a +dusty Office up the Stairway leading to Odd Fellows' Hall. + +So he resolved to hit the long Trail leading to a Modern Babylon where +the Evening papers were on the Streets before Noon. + +He figured that a Gazimbat with a John C. Calhoun Forehead and a lot of +inside Dope on Hindoo Anthology could break into almost any Reservoir +of Culture and bring home the Bacon. + +Parents were dead willing to have him migrate and take his Tailor Bills +with him, but they shivered with Dread when it came time to ship him to +Gomorrah. + +They knew all about the unbridled Deviltry of the City, having seen the +large colored Illustrations in the Sunday Papers. + +They had it on good Authority that the whole sub-stratum of Urban +Existence was honeycombed with Rathskellers, while a Prominent Actress +waited on almost every Corner, soliciting Travel on the Taxicab Route +to the everlasting Coke Ovens. + +While Elmer's fragile Steamer Trunk was being hoisted into the Dray, +all the Relations who had assisted in bringing him up by Hand clustered +around the melodeon and sang, "Oh, where is my Boy to-night?" + +After the Day Coach had pulled away from the Depot, he opened the Shoe- +Box to extract a Crull and found a Book written by T. DeWitt Talmage, +in which many Passages were marked. + +He arrived at Union Station with his Fingers crossed. He told himself +that he would break into a Dog Trot every time Vice beckoned to him. +After he had hung up his Diploma and Razor Strop in the third-story +Recess of a very naughty Beanery, he hunted up some of the dear old +Pals with whom he had bunked in the Dorm. + +They told him they would put him next to a lot of nice clean People. +He began to tremble, fearing that some one was about to offer him +Champagne, but the Orgy to which they conducted him was merely a +meeting of the Civic Purifiers in a basement underneath a Church. +He had not expected to find any Churches in the great wicked City. He +thought each side of the Street would be built up solidly with +Syndicate Theatres, Bacchanalian Bazaars, and Manicure Pitfalls. + +Instead of finding Vice triumphant, he learned that it was being chased +up an Alley by the entire Police Force and the Federation of Women's +Clubs. + +He had the gift of Gab and a natural thirst for Tea, and the first +thing he knew he had been drawn into so many Campaigns for Social +Betterment that he had no time to hunt up conventional Temptations, +such as the Welsh Rabbit or the Musical Comedy. + +He found himself sitting next to a new type of Lassie. She had no +Heels on her Shoes, pronounced each Syllable distinctly, and believed +that her Mission in Life was to carry Maeterlinck to the Masses. + +In nearly every Instance she had a Father who acted as frozen +Figurehead for some Trust Company. + +Consequently, Elmer began to perk up and serve on Committees which met +in Exclusive Homes and were entirely surrounded by Mahogany. + +Whenever an Intellectual Queen pushed the Button, Elmer was right there +with a Pitcher of Ice Water. + +His Researches had proved to him that one of the Keenest Enjoyments of +City Life is to remain away from the glaring Lobster Palace, especially +when one can get one's Mallard Duck free of charge in a Flat renting +for $6000 a Year. + +Elmer became identified with the Cleaning Brigade of the Reform Element +simply by riding on the Current of Events. + +Adapting himself unconsciously to his antisepticized Environment, he +acquired the Art of putting over the saccharine Extemporaneous Address, +and he could smile, with his Teeth exposed, for an Hour at a time. +In fact, he was a great Success. + +At first he took in the Symphony Orchestra because he was dragged +thither. After about two years the Virus had permeated his System, and +he was a regular Brahmsite. If he didn't get a full dose of Peer Gynt +every few days, he was as nervous as a Cat. + +The tall and straight-grained Heiress who finally landed him was only +too glad to slip him the Bank-Book and tell him to go and sit in with +the other Directors. + +And now, having become a shiny Pillar in the Presbyterian Temple and +one of the most respected Umbrella-Carriers on the Avenue, he felt a +longing to beat it back to the home Burg and exhibit his Virtues to the +members of the I-Knew-Him-When Club. + +He wanted to patronize the Friends of his Youth and note the +Expressions of Discomfiture on the so-called Faces of Aunt Lib and +Uncle Jethro, both of whom had told around that he was a Gnat (Net) +and never would amount to a Hill of Beans. + +Elmer expected to find the same spotted Dog asleep in front of the +Commercial Hotel and the same Stick Candy exhibited in the Show +Windows. + +But, while he had been witnessing the downfall of Evil in the busy +Metropolis, the Home Town had been putting on a little Side-Show of its +own. + +Along at the gateway of the 20th Century, every undersized Hamlet shown +in the Atlas became seized with a Desire to throw on City Lugs. + +The same Father who had marked the Talmage Book for Elmer became +Chairman of the House Committee in a Club which undertook to serve +anything usually found on either side of a Cash Register. + +Being in the heart of the Residence District, this select Organization +could not obtain a regular License. + +However, having the moral support of the Best People, it maintained a +Blind Pig. + +The combination of Blind Pig, two playful Kitties up-stairs, and a lot +of gay Dogs spread out on the upholstered Chairs, certainly proved to +be some Menagerie. + +It was a matter of Pride with the Members that the Colored Boy could +shake up anything known to the Regular Trade at the Knickerbocker or +the Plaza. + +One of their main Delights, also, was to welcome the Stranger, who +thought he was sojourning among the Rubes, and lead him into the Roodle +Department, the purpose being to get him out on a Limb and then saw off +the Limb. + +Poker was written in a Small Town. The Hay-Mow Graduate with a limited +Income, who counts up every Night and sets aside so much for Wheat +Cakes, can hold them closer to his Bosom and play them tighter than any +Shark that ever floated down the Mississippi. + +The newcomer who tried to be Liberal usually went home in his Stocking +Feet. + +Day by Day the Progressive Element in the Community widened its +Horizon, and the Country Club became a Necessity. + +The 9-hole Course was laid out by a Scotch Professional, and every +Locker contained something besides Clubs. + +When the Church Bells were ding-donging at 10 A. M. on Sunday, the +former teacher of the Bible Class and the back-sliding Basso of the +Choir would be zig-zagging around the Links, the Stake being a Ball a +Hole. + +Elmer's Father became a Demon with the Irons and had his Name engraved +on a Consolation Cup. + +Simultaneous with the Golf Epidemic, a good many Families that could +not afford Kitchen Cabinets began to glide around in red Touring-Cars. +Any one smelling the Blue Smoke along Main Street and then looking both +ways before dashing across to the Drug Store was compelled to admit +that the Jays had awakened from their Long Sleep. + +Refined Vawdyville was on tap daily, and the Children of those who were +only moderately well-to-do knew all the latest improper Songs. + +While the men were changing from Jumpers to Tuxedos, the Sisters had +not remained stationary. + +The Lap Supper was formally abolished soon after Puff Sleeves went out. +Girls who had been brought up on Parchesi and Muggins would sit around +the Bridge Table all afternoon, trying to cop out some Lace for the new +Party Dress. + +An imported Professor taught the Buds how to Tango and Trot. + +Within a week after a new one had horrified Newport, the Younger Set +would have it down pat and be mopping up the floor with one another. +Of course they were denounced by the local Ministers, but the Guilty +Parties never heard the Denunciations, as they were out Motoring at +the time. + +Whenever there was a Big Session, all Bridles were removed and the +Speed Limit abolished. + +Riding home in the Livery Hacks about 4 A. M., the Merry-Makers +would be all in, but much gratified to know that Vienna and Paree had +nothing on them as regards Rough House. + +All the Elite would get together and open a Keg of Spikes at the +slightest Provocation. + +It was remarkable how much Dull Care they could banish in one Evening, +especially if they got an Early Start. + +The Town Pump did a punk Business, but the Side-Boards blossomed with +Fusel Oil and Fizzerine. + +Intense Excitement prevailed when word came that Elmer was En Route. +Little Knots of People could be seen standing on the Corners, framing +a Schedule of Entertainment which involved nearly everything except +Sleep. + +They said to themselves: "It is up to us to show this proud Pill from +the City that we can be a bit Goey when the Going is right. If he +thinks he can pull any new Wrinkles on the Provincials, he is entitled +to another Think. We must get into our Evening Glads early this +Afternoon and clear the Decks for a Hard Night." + +While they were making these grim Preparations, Elmer was doubled up in +Section 8, reading a sterilized Magazine from Boston. Subconsciously +he counted the peaceful Days that would ensue. + +He figured on going back to the dear old Room under the Eaves, with a +patch-work Quilt on the Four-Poster and a Steel Engraving of U. S. +Grant on the Wall. + +Having devoted many Days to the Annual Report of the Purity Brigade, he +was due to turn in at 9 o'clock each evening, while recuperating in the +Country. + +The sanctified Product of the new and regenerative Influences at work +in every City was plunked down in the Hot-bed of Gaiety at about 4 +P. M.. + +The Comrades of his Boyhood were massed on the Platform. As he +alighted, they sang, "Hail! Hail! the gang's All Here!" and so on and +so on. + +They had acquired a Running Start. It was their belief that Elmer +would be gratified to know that all the Elect had become slightly +spiffed in his Honor. + +They sent his Stuff up to the House, crowded Two-Weeks' Cards into his +Pockets, and bore him away in a Town Car to the Club, where Relays were +waiting to extend Hospitality to the returned Exile until he was +Plastered. + +They seemed to think he had devoted the years of his Absence to +building up a Thirst. + +Their Dismay was genuine when he timidly informed the Irrigation +Committee that he desired Vichy. + +They told him he was a Celluloid Sport and that his refusal to Libate +was little short of an Affront. + +Escaping from the Comanches, he hurried to the Old Homestead to sit by +the Grate Fire and tease the Cat. + +He found Pa and Ma dolled up like a couple of aristocratic Equines, +much Awning over the Front Stoop, and strange Waiters hot-footing +through the Hallways. + +In order to make it seem as much like the City as possible, they had +ribbed up a swell combination Gorge and Deluge, to be followed by an +Indoor Circus, a Carnival of Terpsichorean Eccentricities, and a +correct Reproduction of Monte Carlo at the height of the Season. + +Therefore, when their Only Child suggested that he would fain hie to +the Husks at a Reasonable Hour, they told him that Slumber was made +for Slaves and to take his Feet out of his Lap and move around. + +Having led a sheltered Life among the devotees of Jane Addams and +Jacob Riis, he was dazed and horrified to find himself suddenly +subjected to the demoralizing Influences of the Small Town. + +They scoffed at him when he said that his regular twilight Repast was a +saucer of granose Flakes, a mere sliver of White Meat, and some diluted +Milk. + +His home was near the White Light District, and they just knew that he +was accustomed to bathe in the Bubbles. + +He sat back benumbed for many hours watching the wicked Rustics +perform. + +He had read about such things in the reports of the Commission, but +this was the first time that he had ever really been Slumming. + +When he weakened on the Bumper Proposition and disavowed any +familiarity with the Texas Tommy spasm or the fine points of Auction, +the sophisticated ones exchanged significant Glances. + +They tumbled to the Fact that Elmer was not such a much, even if he did +reside at Headquarters. It was evident that he had not been travelling +with the Real Razmataz Rompers. + +He was panned to a Whisper next day. The Verdict was in. Elmer was +branded a Dead One. + +He is now in the crowded City, trying to arrange to have his rowdy +Parents come in and take the Cure. + +MORAL: Those having the most Time to devote to a Line of Endeavor +usually become the most Proficient. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF WHAT TRANSPIRES AFTER THE WIND-UP + +Once upon a time Ferdinand breathed right into Adele's translucent +Listener those three Words which hold all Records as monosyllabic +Trouble-Makers. + +They have a harmless look on the Printed Page, but when pulled at the +Psychological turn of the Road, they become the Funeral Knell of +Bachelor Freedom and a Prelude to cutting the String on whatever has +been put by. + +The Serpent, operating in the guise of a Lover in a Serge Suit, had +lured, cajoled, wheedled, and finessed until the poor trembling Child, +only twenty-four years of Age, was alone with him in what the +Landscaper had worked off on her Papa as a Formal Garden. + +They stood clinched there in the dull Sunset Glow, with a Pergola for +a Background. It was all very Belasco and in strict compliance with +the League Rules laid down by W. Somerset Maugham. + +According to the $2 Drama and every bright red Volume selling for $1.18 +at a Department Store, this was + + THE END + +The Curtain began to descend very slowly, with Ferdinand and Adele +holding the Picture. + +It seems, however, that they had not come to the real, sure-enough +Finis. The Terminus was some distance down the Line. + +The Curtain refused to fall. + +"What is the idea?" asked Adele, somewhat perturbed. "We have hit the +logical Climax of our Romance. As I understand it, we are now supposed +to ascend in a Cloud and float through Ethereal Bliss for an indefinite +Period." + +"Right-o!" said the Fiance. "According to all the approved Dope, we +are booked to live happily ever after." + +Just then Her Best Friend came rapidly down the Gravel Walk with +Anxiety stenciled on her Features. + +The accepted Swain seemed to hear a low rumbling Wagnerian Effect from +out the Clear Sky. In Music-Drama it is known as the Hammer Theme. +It is included in the Curriculum at every Fem Sem. + +Ferdinand had a Hunch that somebody was getting ready to drop Cyanide +of Potassium into his Cup of Joy. + +"Oh, Adele!" said the Friend, just like that. "Oh, Adele, may I speak +to you for a Mo-munt?" + +Ferdinand made his Exit, much peeved, and the Friend expressed a Hope +that she had arrived in time to throw the Switch and avert the Wrecking +of a Life. + +Far be it from her to Snitch, but it was her Duty to put Adele wise to +what every one was whispering Under Cover. + +She had no absolute Proof that he had carried on with a Front Row Floss +in New Haven, but it was Common Talk that one of his Uncles had been a +Regular at a Retreat where the Doctor shoots a Precious Metal into the +Arm. + +It would be terrible to marry someone and then find out that he Drank, +the same as all the other Married Men. + +Leaving Adele in a Deep Swoon, the true Friend hurried to the nearest +Public 'Phone to spread the dismal Tidings. + +In the meantime the elated Lover had loped all the way to the +University club to spring it on the Navajos and receive their +Felicitations. + +His Rapture had rendered him fairly incoherent, and he was gurgling +like an after-dinner Percolator; but he finally made it evident that he +had been Hooked. + +A deep Silence ensued, most of those present looking out the Window at +the passing Traffic. + +Finally a Shell-Back, who had been leading a Life of Single Torment +ever since Sumter was fired upon, asked in a sepulchral Tone and +without looking up from his Hand, "Has the Date been set?" + +Ferdinand tried to tell them that he was going to the Altar and not to +the Electric Chair, but he couldn't get a single Slap on the Back. + +The only one evincing Interest was a He-Hen named Herbert, who took him +into the Cloak-Room to plant a few Canadian Thistles in the Garden of +Love. + +Herb said he had always liked the Girl, even if she had given a couple +of his Best Pals the Whillykathrow. + +His Advice was to up and marry her before she had time to pull one of +her temperamental Stunts and hand out the Rinkaboo. + +Possibly if she could be weaned away from her eccentric Relations and +governed with a Firm Hand she would turn out O. K.. + +Still, it was a tall Gamble. Under the Circumstances, he didn't see +that there was anything for Ferdinand to do except mop up a few Drinks +and hope for the Best. + +When Ferdy looked at himself in the Mirror at Midnight, he didn't know +whether he was Engaged or merely operating under a Suspended Sentence. + +Next morning he had to bare his Soul to the Head of the Firm. This +revered Fluff should have been known as Mr. Yes-But. + +He was strong for the Married State, but it was highly advisable to +have the Girl analyzed by a Chemist and passed upon by a Board of +Experts before a Bid was submitted. + +The Sunflower Paths of Dalliance were leading mostly to Reno, Nevada, +and the Article commonly known as Love was merely a disinclination to +continue eating Breakfast alone. + +He said a Good Woman was a Jewel, but if one of them got a fair Run and +Jump at a Check-Book she could put the National City Bank on the Hummer. +Probably it was all right to go ahead, and take the High Hurdle, but +the Percentage was against the Candidate, and the Cost of Living was +never so altitudinous. + +Ferdinand retired from the Royal Presence feeling that he had been duly +authorized to walk a Tight Rope over Niagara Falls. + +As soon as the Bride-Elect had taken enough Headache Powders to prepare +her for the Ordeal, she sent for the Suspect to come up to the House +and outline his Defense. + +They put in a humid Evening. When the falling Tears had made the +Drawing-Room too soppy for further use, they moved into the Hallway and +he continued to think up Alibis. + +At 11 P. M. he had explained Everything, repudiated many lifelong +Friendships, deodorized his College Career, flouted the Demon Rum, and +resigned from all Clubs. + +The Birds were singing up and down the Main Stairway and Grandfather's +Clock played nothing but Mendelssohn. + +She lay damply pillowed on his Bosom. He was intensely relieved and +yet vaguely conscious of the Fact that she had beat him to it. There +had been a General Settlement, and he had figured merely as Supreme +Goat. + +In his anxiety to get the Kinks out of his own Record he had failed to +hold her up for anything except a Pardon. + +Before terminating the Peace Conference, it was suggested that inasmuch +as every one else in the World had been notified, probably it would be +just as well to let her Male Parent in on the Secret. Not that Father +is regarded as a Principal in the up-to-date Household. Still, he is +useful as a Super. + +The old Gentleman was so soft that he nearly tipped his Hand. He gave +Ferdinand a regular Cigar and then stalled for about 30 Seconds before +indicating a Willingness to sign any form of Contract. + +He pulled the Old One to the effect that the House would not seem the +same after Addie had gone away, meaning that Breakfast would be served +in the Morning and the Night Shift abolished. + +When Ferdinand got back to his Room and counted up, he had to admit +that Father was the only Outsider who seemed to be plugging for the +Alliance. + +But all petty Suspicions and unworthy Doubts flickered and disappeared +when Nightfall came and Queenie was once more cuddled within the strong +right Fin, naming over some of the Men that he mustn't speak to any +more. + +The course of True Love ran smooth for a couple of Days, and then came +a letter from his People, expressing the hope that he had picked out a +devout Unitarian. Otherwise the Progeny would start off under a +terrible Handicap. + +He knew that Adele favored the Suffrage Thing and that she had read a +Book on how to recover from a Dance by lying down and giving a +Recitation, but he never had suspected her of any real Religious +Scruples. + +Before he could tell her how the Little Ones had been predestined, she +notified him that her kinsmen had been peering into the Future and that +all the problematical Offspring had been put on the Waiting List at the +First Baptist Church. + +Here was a grand Opening for Ferdinand. He resolved to make a Stand +and issue a ringing Ultimatum. He might as well tip it off to her and +the whole Tribe that he was to be Caesar in his own Shack. + +So he went up to her House ready to die in the last ditch rather than +yield to the advocates of Immersion. After viewing the Problem in all +its Aspects, he and Honey compromised by deciding that the Bairns were +to be orthodox Baptists. + +Having sponged every Blot from the Escutcheon and laid out the Labels +for all Generations yet unborn, the incipient Benedick thought there +would be nothing more to it except Holding Hands and watching the +Calendar. + +Just then a Dress-Maker swooped down and stole away the Light of his +Life. + +Every time he went up to scratch on the Door and beg for a Kiss, a +Strange Lady with Pins in her Mouth would come out and shoo him away, +explaining that the Pearl of Womanhood was laid out in the Operating +Room, being measured for something additional. + +Occasionally he saw her, at one of the many Dinners decreed by Custom. +They had to sit Miles apart, with Mountains of unseemly Victuals +stacked between them, while some moss-grown Offshoot of the Family +Tree rose and conquered his Asthma long enough to propose a Toast to +the Bride. + +What they really craved was a Dim Corner and a box of Candied Cherries. + +The only Speeches they wished to hear could have been constructed out +of the 40 words of standard Baby Talk, comprising what is known as the +Mush Vocabulary. + +Yet they had to muster the same old property Smile every time that +Charley Bromide or old Mr. Platitude lifted a shell of sparkling +Vinegar and fervently exclaimed, "Thuh Bride!" + +Even after the Menu had been wrecked and the satiated Revelers had +laboriously pried themselves away from the decorated Board, there was +no escape. + +The Women Folks led Adele away to some remote Apartment to sound a Few +Warnings, while the Men sat around in the Blue Smoke and joshed +Ferdinand to a fare-ye-well. + +Each morning he found in his Mail a few Sealed Orders from Headquarters +and about as many Stage Directions as would be required for putting on +the Annual Show at the Hippodrome. + +When he was not begging some one to come and Ush for him, he was either +checking over the Glove List with a terrified Best Man or getting +measured for a full layout of dark Livery that made him look like a +refined Floor-Walker. + +It seemed that Adele had a Step-Mother who had been crouched for Years +waiting for a chance to bust into the Papers. Nothing would do her but +a regular Madison Square Phantasmagoria, with two Rings and an elevated +Platform. + +She wanted Ribbons down the Aisle and little Girls sprinkling Posies, a +Concert Orchestra buried under the Palms, and a few extra Ministers of +the Gospel just to dress the Pulpit. + +Every superfluous Accessory devised by the Nerve Specialist and +approved by the Court of Bankruptcy was woven into the Nuptial Circus +when Ferdinand and Adele were made one and Unhookable. + +The Rehearsals somewhat resembled the Moving Pictures of the Durbar at +Delhi. + +As a final Preparation for the Stupendous Pageant, the Groom sat up all +night in the Dipsomania Club, watching the Head-Liners of the Blue Book +demolish Glassware. + +According to the dictates of Fashion, one who is about to assume the +solemn Responsibilities of Matrimony should abstain from Slumber for a +week, devoting the time thus saved to a full consideration of Food and +Drink. + +The Ambulance bore his Remains to the Church. A few faithful Hang- +Overs lifted him through the Portals, with his Toes dragging somewhat +in the Rear. + +They propped him against a Pilaster and told him his Name and begged +him not to weaken, no matter what the Preacher might put up to him. +Soon after he saw a Haggard Creature all fluffed about with White +advancing unsteadily toward him. With the Make-Up, she did not look a +Day over 47. + +He did not hear any of the Service, but those who were more fortunate +told him afterward that it was a very Pretty Wedding, and that they +Presents they got were Simply Great. + +MORAL: Too many Trained Nurses discommode Cupid. + + +THE DREAM THAT CAME OUT WITH MUCH TO BOOT + +Once there was a provincial Tradesman who gave his Yokemate a Christmas +Present. It was a kind of Dingus formerly exhibited on the What-Not in +almost every polite Home. + +By peering through at the twin Photographs and working it like a Slide +Trombone, one could get ravishing glimpses of Trafalgar Square, Lake +Como, and the Birthplace of Bobby Burns. + +Nearly every evening the Tradesman would back up to the Student Lamp +and put in a delirious half-hour with the Views. + +While gazing up the Rue de Rivoli or across the rice paddies at the +snowy cap of Fuji, his Blood would become het by the old boyhood Desire +to sail across the Blue to Foreign Parts. + +Those who saw him mowing the Lawn little suspected that he was being +inwardly eaten by the Wanderlust. + +The Tradesman, Edwin by name, and his Managing Director, Selena, formed +the magic-lantern Habit away back in the days of Stoddard. They never +missed a chance to take in Burton Holmes. Sitting in the darkness, +they would hold hands and simply eat those Colored Slides. + +Selena belonged to a Club that was trying to get a side-hold on the Art +and Architecture of the Old World. She had a smouldering Ambition to +ride a Camel in the Orient and then come home and put it all over a +certain proud Hen who had spent six weeks in Europe. + +One visit to Niagara Falls and a glorious week of Saengerfest at +Cincinnati had simply whetted her desire to take Edwin by the hand and +beat it all the way around the Globe, via Singapore. To prepare +herself for the Grand Tour, she took 12 lessons in French and read up +on the Taj Mahal. + +She had to wait patiently until Edwin was threatened with a Nervous +Break-Down. At last the Happy Day arrived when the Specialist told him +he must make his choice between a long Sea Voyage and a slow ride to +the Family Lot. + +Selena used Hydraulic Pressure in packing her Wardrobe Trunks. She +took all her circus Duds and a slew of Hats so that she could make the +proper Front, while being entertained Abroad. + +Edwin had secured a Passport which identified him as a male white +Person, entitled to all the Courtesies and Privileges usually extended +to an American Citizen holding a Passport. + +They were on the verge of the Jumps when they boarded the Train, but +they hoped to Relax and get a lot of Sleep on the Ocean Greyhound. + +A few days later they were curled up in a Cabin de Luxe about the size +of a Telephone Booth, waiting for the Ocean Greyhound to recover from +an attack of Hydrophobia. + +When they tottered down the Gang-Plank, after six days on the playful +North Atlantic, their only Comfort was derived from the knowledge that, +as soon as they had rested up, they could write home and quote the +Second Officer as saying it was the roughest Passage he had ever Known. + +After spending a few days in London trying to get warm, they moved on +to Paris, which they remembered long afterward on account of Napoleon's +Tomb and the price of Strawberries. + +Selena pulled her tall-grass French on a Hackman, but there was nothing +doing. He had taken it from a different Teacher. + +So they employed a Guide who knew all the Shops. If Selena happened to +admire a Trinket or some outre Confection with Lace slathered on it, a +perfumed Apache in a Frock Coat would take Edwin into a side room, give +him the sleeve across the Wind-Pipe, and bite a piece out of his Letter +of Credit. + +Edwin did a little quick work with the Pencil and said they could +either hurry on or else hie back to the Home Town and begin Life all +over again. + +Three weeks after saying good-bye to Griddle Cakes they were in Naples, +which they had seen pictured on so many Calendars. + +Looking back across the Centuries they recalled the Clerks standing in +the Doorways and the friends of the Progressive Euchre Club. It was +sweet to remember that the world was not made up entirely of cadging +Head Waiters. + +Once in a while they would venture from the Hotel to run footraces with +the yelping Lazzaroni or try to look at Vesuve without paying seven or +eight members of the Camorra for the Privilege. + +After being chased back into the Hotel, they would sit down and address +Post-Cards by the Hour, telling how much they were enjoying the stay in +Napoli, home of Song and Laughter. + +Their only chance of catching even on the Imperial Suite at $9 a Day +was to make the Folks back at the Whistling Post think they were +playing Guitars and dancing the Tarantella, whatever that is. + +Next we see them in Egypt, still addressing Post-Cards, and offering +anything within Reason for a good Cup of Coffee. + +Somehow, sitting in the dusky Tombs didn't seem to help their Nostalgia. +Not that they would own up to being Home-Sick. No, indeed! They kept +writing back that they enjoyed every Minute spent among the Cemeteries +and Ruins, or sailing up the Nile, and Edwin was holding up +wonderfully, for an Invalid. + +Only, when either of them spoke of the Children, or Corned-Beef Hash, +or the Canary, a long Silence would ensue, and then the Nervous Wreck +would cheer her by computing that they would be in God's Country within +four months, if they escaped Shipwreck, Sunstroke, and Bubonic Plague. + +While parboiling themselves down the Red Sea it began to soak in on +them that, east of Suez, the Yank has about as much standing as the Ten +Commandments. + +They could have endured sleeping in a Trough and bathing with a damp +Towel and eating Food kept over from the year before, if their Fellow +Voyagers had made a slight fuss over them or evinced some interest in +the wonders of North America. + +The Congressman at home had assured them, on numerous occasions, that +Columbia was the Jim of the Ocean and the most upholstered portion of +the entire Foot-Stool. + +Consequently, it was somewhat disconcerting to meet British subjects +who never had heard of Quincy, Illinois, and who moved their Deck +Chairs every time they were given a chance to hear about it. + +Back in the Middle West, Edwin and Selena had been Mountains arising +from the Plain. At all points beyond Greenwich, they were simply two +unconsidered fragments of Foreign Substance. + +The Passport did not seem to get them anything. While being walked +upon by the haughty Tea-Drinkers they could not claim the protection +of the American Flag, because they didn't see the Starry Banner after +leaving New York, except in front of a Fake Auction Sale, arranged +especially for Tourists. + +By the time they found themselves in that vast bake-oven known as India +they were benumbed and submissive and had settled into a Routine. +They would arrive in a New Town, fly to the Hotel, unpack, go out and +buy their colored Post-Cards, come back to the Dump (usually called the +Grand Hotel Victoria), address Cards to all the Names on the list, then +pack up, pay the Overcharges, and ride to the Railway Station, +accompanied by a small regiment of Bashi-Bazouks who were looking for +Theirs. + +The sight of a Temple threw Edwin into a Relapse, but he would have +given $8,000 for one look at the galvanized Cornice of the Court House. +Selena was still buying Souvenirs, but doing it mechanically, as if in +a Trance. + +They had been stung with so many Oriental Phoneys and stuck up so often +that they had gone Yellow and lost their Nerve. + +When they saw an outstretched Palm, they came across without a Whimper. + +Cousin Ella, back among the Corn Fields, pictured them as riding a +caparisoned Elephant up to the marble Palace of the Gackwar of Baroda, +where Edwin would flash his Passport and then the distinguished Guests +would be salaamed to the Peacock Throne. + +Nothing like it. They were led up to highly odorous Bazaars conducted +by lineal Descendants of the 40 Thieves. + +Often, while riding in the dusty Cattle Cars and looking out at the +parched Plains, they would think of the shaded Front Porch, only 5 +minutes from Barclay's Drug Store, where they sold the Ice Cream Soda. +Moaning feebly, they would return to the italicized Guide Book. + +The Chow consisted largely of Curry and Rice, the medicinal flavor of +which was further accentuated by Butter brought in Tins all the way +from Sweden. + +Although the Heat was intense, they found occasional Relief in sitting +next the Britons and getting a few Zephyrs direct from the Ice-Box. + +Each day they would purchase a News-paper about the size of a Bed-Spread +and search eagerly for American News. Once in a while they +would learn that Congress had met or another Colored Person had been +burned at the Stake. It cheered them immensely to know that the Land +of the Free was still squirming. + +At Rangoon they met a weary Countryman headed in the opposite +direction. He was a hard-faced Customer who was fighting the Climate +with Gin and Bitters, but they fell upon him and wanted to Kiss him +when they learned that he had once met Selena's Uncle at Colorado +Springs. + +They told him how to save time in getting across India, and he gave +them a list of Places in China and Japan that might be dodged to +advantage. + +Year after year in the months of March and April they continued on +their tedious Way through the burning Tropics. + +Sometimes they came to a discouraged belief that the World was one +bluey expanse, disturbed by Flying Fish. + +Then they would spend weary Ages along the avenues of white Lime-Kilns, +looking at Countless millions of hungry Brunettes in fluttering +Nighties. + +Their principal Occupation, when not setting down Expressions of +Delight on the Post-Cards, was to study Time-Tables and cable ahead +for Reservations. + +The Invalid's one desire was to get home and take a regular Bath before +being laid out. + +Hong Kong pleased them exceedingly because they learned, by consulting +Mr. Mercator's Projection, that they were on the Home Stretch and, with +Luck in their favor, might live to see another Piece of Huckleberry Pie. + +Japan they liked best of all. At Yokohama they received a bundle of +Dailies only six weeks old, giving full Particulars of a Wedding and +telling who was about to run for Mayor. + +As soon as they were on the Pacific and headed for a refined Vaudeville +Show, they began to recover the brave Spirit of Travel and blow about +what they had seen. + +The Towns and Temples and Tombs and Treasures of Art were all jumbled +together, but, by daily references to Baedeker and Murray, they were +enabled to find out where they had been and what they had seen with +their own eyes and how it impressed them at the time. + +Before touching at Honolulu they were real enthusiastic about India. +They advised the awe-stricken Listener who had not been all the Way +around to be sure and take in Penang and Johore and, if necessary, they +would give him Letters of Introduction. + +They said it had been a Wonderful Experience. Yes, indeed. And +broadening. Very. Then Edwin would wander to the front end of the +Ship and want to climb out on the Bowsprit so as to be in Frisco +ahead of anybody else. + +He convalesced rapidly as they approached the Golden Gate, for he knew +that in a few days he would unpack for good and gallop down to the +office and not have to worry about Travelling. + +The only Dark Cloud on the Shore hung above the Custom House. They +looked at all the Junk wished upon them by the simple Children of the +Far East and didn't know whether to declare it for what it cost or for +what it was really worth. + +Being conscientious Members of the Church, they modified their Perjury +and smuggled only the usual amount of Carvings and hand-embroidered +Stuff. + +Two hours after landing, Edwin saw a Porter-House Steak and burst into +tears. + +They sped eastward by the first Train, still busy with the little Red +Books, for they knew they would have to answer a lot of Questions. +"Shall we own up and tell them the Awful Truth?" asked Selena. + +"Not on your Esoteric Buddhism," replied Edwin. "We never will be +rewarded for our Sufferings unless we convince the Neighbors that we +had a run for our Money. It was a troubled Nightmare, in Spots, but +when I lecture in the Church Parlor I am going to burn Joss Sticks and +pull every variety of Bunk made famous by Sir Edwin Arnold and Lafcadio +Hearn." + +On the following Tuesday, Selena appeared at the Club with her Mandarin +Coat and the long Hindoo Ear-Rings. She had them frozen in their +Chairs. + +MORAL: Be it ever so Hard to Take, there is no Place like away from +Home. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE TOILSOME ASCENT AND THE SHINING TABLE-LAND + +Once upon a time, out in the Rubber Boot Reservation, the Stork came +staggering up to a Frame Dwelling with a hefty Infant. The arrival was +under the Zodiacal Sign of Taurus, the Bull. Every Omen was propitious. +When the Gallery was admitted, on the third day, the gaping Spectators +observed that the Youngun had an open Countenance, somewhat like a +Channel Cat, a full head of Hair bushing at the nape of the neck, and +a hypnotic Eye; so they knew he was destined for the Service of the +Public. + +Even while he was in the custody of the Old Women of the Township, he +began reaching for everything he saw and testing his Voice. He +claimed his Rations frequently and with insistence. + +While he was demonstrating an elastic Capacity, the head Prophetess +called attention to his aggressive Style and predicted a political +Career. + +It was a cinch Horoscope, for the Begetters were a successful +Auctioneer and a Poetess of local repute. + +The Child was christened Sylvester, in anticipation of his Future +Greatness. + +Several years later, when he rebelled against going to the Barber Shop +and began to speak Pieces on the slightest provocation, the Parents +rejoiced over these budding symptoms of Statesmanship and bought him a +Drum. + +At school he was a Dummy in Mathematics and a Lummox when it came to +Spelling Down, but every Friday afternoon he was out in the lead, +wearing Bells. + +Before he acquired a Vocabulary or accumulated Data, he got by on his +Nerve. In later years he never forgot that Facts are non-essential +if the Vocal Cords are in tune. + +When the Pupils tacked the old standby, "Resolved, that Education is +better than Riches," he could tremolo on the Affirmative one week and +then reverberate for the Negative one week later, never doubting his +own Sincerity at any stage of the Game. + +The grinding classmates who had secured the mark of A in Geometry and +Rhetoric were not in the running on Commencement Day. + +Our Hero got his Diploma on a Fluke, but when he appeared on the +Rostrum between an Oleander and the Members of the Board, with Goose- +Goose on the Aureole, the new Store Suit garnished with a leaf of +Geranium and a yellow Rose-Bud, and the Gates Ajar Collar lashed fast +with his future Trade-Mark: viz., a White Bow Tie--he had all the +Book Worms crushed under his Heel. + +He pulled out the stop marked "Vox Humana" and begged his Hearers to +lift the sword of Justice and with it smite the Deluge of Organized +Wealth which was crouched and ready to spring upon the Common People. +In pleading the cause of Labor, he spoke as an expert, for once he had +strung a Clothes-Line for his Mother. + +He got the biggest Hand of any one at the Exercises. After denouncing +the predaceous Interests he relapsed into an attitude of Meditation, +with the Chin on the starched Front, very much like a Steel Engraving +of Daniel Webster. + +The enthralled Townsmen, seeing him thus, with the Right Hand buried in +the Sack Suit and the raven Mop projecting in the rear, allowed that +there was nothing to it. He was a Genius and billed through for the +Legislature. + +Some Boys have to go to College to get a Shellac Finish, but Sylvester +already had the Dark Clothes and the Corrugated Brow and a voice like +a Tuba, so, to complete his Equipment, he merely had to sit tilted back +in a Law Office for a few months and then borrow Money to get a Hat +such as John A. Logan used to wear. + +All who saw him move from Group to Group along the Hitch Rack on +Saturday afternoon, shaking hands with the Rustics and applying the +Ointment, remarked that Ves was a young man of Rare Promise and could +not be held back from the Pay-Roll for any considerable length of Time. +He was one of the original 787 Boy Orators of the Timothy Hay Section +of the Imperial Middle West. + +At every hotel Banquet, whether by the Alumni of the Shorthand College +or under the auspices of the Piano Movers' Pleasure Club, he was right +up at the Head Table with his Hair rumpled, ready to exchange a +Monologue for a few warm Oysters and a cut of withered Chicken. + +On Memorial Day it was Sylvester who choked up while laying his +Benediction on the Cumrads of the G. A. R.. + +On Labor Day he unbuttoned his Vest all the way down, held a trembling +Fist clear above the leonine Mat, and demanded a living Wage for every +Toiler. + +Consequently he acquired repute as a Staunch Friend of the +Agriculturist, the Steam Fitter, the Old Soldier, the Department Store +Employee, and others accustomed to voting in Shoals. In order to +mature himself and be seasoned for onerous Responsibilities, he waited +until he was 22 years of age before attempting to gain a frontage at +the Trough. + +It was highly important that he should serve the Suvrin People in some +Capacity involving Compensation. It was fairly important to him and it +was vitally important to a certain Woman of gambling Disposition, who +operated a Boarding-House. + +Sylvester was the type of Lawyer intensely admired but seldom employed, +save by Criminals entirely bereft of Means. + +In addition to his Board, the young Barrister actually required a pouch +of Fine Cut and a clean White Tie every week, so he was impelled by +stern Necessity to endeavor to hook up with a Salary. + +Because Sylvester had administered personal Massage to every Voter +within five Miles of his office, he thought he could leap into the +Arena and claim an immediate Laurel Wreath by the mere charm and vigor +of his Personality. + +He ignored the Whispering Ikes who met in the dim Back Room, with +Cotton plugged in the Key Hole. + +The Convention met, and when it came time to nominate a Candidate for +State's Attorney, all of Sylvester's tried and true Friends among the +Masses were at home working in the Garden and spread out in the Hammock. +The Traction Engine pulled the Juggernaut over the Popular Idol. + +They lit on him spraddled out. They gave him the Doo-Doo. + +When the Battle had ended, he was a mile from the cheerful Bivouac, +lying stark in the Moonlight. + +He was supposed to be eliminated. The only further recognition +accorded him would be at the Autopsy. + +Next day he was back in his usual Haunts, with an immaculate Bow Tie +and a prop Smile, shaking hands with all who had so recently harpooned +him. As a Come-Back he was certainly the resilient Kid. + +Those who had marveled at his sole-leather Organ of Speech, now had to +admire his sheet metal Sensibilities, nor could they deny that he +possessed all the attributes of a sound and durable Candidate. + +He had learned his Primer lesson in Politics. As soon as he saw that +he could not throw the Combination, he joined it. + +He came into the Corral and lay down in the Dust and allowed them to +brand him as a Regular. + +Sylvester became the White Slave of the Central Committee, knowing that +eventually true Patriotism would have to be recognized and recompensed. +When he came to bat the second time he had the Permanent Chairman and +the Tellers and all the Rough-Necks plugging for him, consequently it +was a Pipe. + +But it was a case of Reverse English on Election Day, for the venal +Opposition rode into power on a Tidal Wave. + +After the Tide had receded, Sylvester was found asleep among the Clams +and Sea-Weed, apparently so far gone that a Pulmotor would be no help. + +Three days later, however, he was on hand, with chaste Neckwear and a +jaunty Front, to make a Presentation Speech to the Chief of the Fire +Department. + +Talk about your Rubber Cores! The harder they run him down the higher +he bounced back. + +Those who had been marked by Fate to be his Constits began to see that +Sylvester was something invincible and not to be denied. + +What though his Detractors called him a Four-Flush and a False Alarm, +alleging that a true analysis of his Mentality would be just about as +profitable as dissecting a Bass Drum? + +The more they knocked, the more oleo-margarine became his beaming +Countenance, for he knew that Calumny avails naught against a White Tie +in the Hot-Bed of cut-and-dried Orthodoxy. + +He played the social String from the W. C. T. U. to the Elks and was a +blood-brother of the Tin Horn and the acidulated Elder with the scant +Skilligans. + +In order to keep the High-Binders and the Epworth Leaguers both on his +Staff at one and the same time, he had to be some Equilibrist, so he +never hoisted a Slug except in his own Office, where he kept it behind +the Supreme Court Reports. + +When he went out the third time for the same Job, the Voters saw it was +no use trying to block him off, so he landed. + +In the full crimson of Triumph, with new Patent Leather Shoes and as +much as $40 in his Kick at one time, he never forgot for a moment he +was a servant of the Pe-hee-pul and might want to run for something +else in the near future. + +He tempered Justice with Mercy and quashed many an Indictment if the +Defendant looked like a grateful Geezer who might be useful in his own +Precinct. + +No one dared to attack him because of the fact that he had delivered a +Lecture to the eager young souls at the Y. M. C. A., in which he had +exhibited a Road Map and proved that adherence to the Cardinal Virtues +leads unerringly to Success. + +At the age of thirty-two he broke into the Legislature and began to +wear a White Vest, of the kind affected by the more exclusive Bar +Tenders. Also a variety of Shroud known as the Prince Albert. +He was fearless in discussing any proposed Measure that did not worry +the Farmer Vote in his own District. + +As for Wall Street and the Plunder-bund, when he got after them, he was +a raving Bosco. A regular Woof-Woofer and bite their heads off. + +About the time he came up for re-election, a lot of Character-Assassins +tried to shell-road him and hand him the Guff and crowd him into the +9-hole. They said he had been flirting with the Corporations and sitting +in on Jack-Pots and smearing himself at the Pie Counter. + +Did they secure his Goat by such crude Methods? + +Not while the 5-octave Voice and the enveloping Prince Albert and the +snow-white Necktie were in working Trim. + +He went over the whole District in an Auto (one of the fruits of his +Frugality), and everywhere that Sylvester went the American Eagle was +sure to go, riding on the Wind-Shield, and a Starry Banner draped over +the Hood. + +He waved aside all Charges made against him. To give them serious Heed +would be an Insult to the high Intelligence of the Hired Hands gathered +within Sound of his Voice. He believed in discussing the Paramount +Issues. + +So he would discuss them in such a way that the Railway Trains passing +by were no interruption whatsoever. + +In course of time his Hair outgrew the Legislature. He was on +whispering terms with a clean majority of all the Partisans in three +connecting Counties, so he bought one Gross of the White String Kind +and a pair of Gum Sneakers and began to run amuck as a Candidate for +Congress. + +Even his trusty Henchmen were frightened to know that he had become +obsessed of such a vaulting Ambition. + +They did not have him sized, that was all. The farther from home he +traveled, the more resounding was the Hit he registered. + +The Days of Spring were lengthening and the Campaign was not far +distant when Sylvester, after looking at the Signs in the Sky and +putting his Ear to the Ground, discovered that he was thoroughly +impregnated with the new Progressive Doctrines. + +The change came overnight, but he was in the Band Wagon ahead of the +Driver. + +As nearly as he could formulate his private Platform, he was still true +to his Party but likewise very keen for any Reform Measure that 55 per +cent. of the Voters might favor, either at the present time or previous +to any future Election. + +After the heated Radicals in every School District had listened to +Sylvester and learned that all his Views coincided to a T with their +own revised Schedule, they lined up and landslided. + +One November morning Our Hero, no longer a penniless Law Student, but +owing, at a conservative Estimate, between $6000 and $8000, sat +tranquilly in front of the T-Bone Steak, the Eggs, the Batter Cakes, +the Cinnamon Rolls, and the Reservoir of Coffee, comprising the +Breakfast of one who always remained near to the Rank and File. +His Hair was roached in a new way, for the Bulletins at Midnight had +told him that he was a Congressman. + +Those who had known him in the old Free-Lunch Days, when a Tie lasted +him for a Week, now felt honored to receive his stately Salutation as +he moved slowly from the Post Office up to the Drug Store, to buy his +Bronchial Lozenges. + +Many of the Lower Classes, as well as the more Prominent People +belonging to the Silver Cornet Band, were gathered at the Station when +he started for Washington to fight in the impending Battle between the +Corn-Shuckers and the Allies of Standard Oil. + +Men and Women standing right there in the Crowd could remember when he +had borrowed his first Dollar. + +And now he was going to stand beneath the dome of the Capitol to weave +a new Fabric of Government and see that it didn't crock or unravel. + +Sylvester and his glossy Trunk arrived at the Mecca, where they were +pleasantly received by the Agent of the Transfer Company in full +Uniform, and a Senegambian with a Red Cap, who hunted up the Taxi. + +After waiting many weary Years, Sylvester once more had a School Desk +of his own. It was in the far corner of a crowded Pit surrounded by +elevated Seats. + +The Hon. Sylvester found himself entirely surrounded by victims of +involuntary Dumbness. + +By referring to a printed List he ascertained that he was a member of +the Committee on Manual Training for the Alaskan Indians. + +In his Boarding House he became acquainted with Department Clerks who +were well advanced in the technology of Base Ball. + +After a few weeks, he was on chatting Terms with a Young Lady in charge +of a Cigar and News Counter. + +As soon as the Paper was delivered every morning he could find out what +had happened in Congress the day before. + +If confused by the Cares of State, he sought diversion by taking a +Visitor from Home to see the Washington Monument. + +After three months, he met a National Committeeman with a Pull who +promised to secure him an introduction to the Speaker so that he could +maneuver around and get something into the Record before his time was +up. + +In the meantime, he is heard to advantage on every Roll Call, and the +Traducers back in the District have not been able to lay a finger on +anything Crooked. + +MORAL: There is always Room and Board at the Top. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE AERIAL PERFORMER, THE BUZZING BLONDINE, AND THE +DAUGHTER OF MR. JACKSON + +Once upon a time a Lad with Cinnamon Hair and wide blue Eyes lived in +a half-portion Town. + +He had received more than 2000 Tickets for answering "Here" at the +M. E. Sunday School. + +His kinfolk hoped that some day he would be President of the Town Board. + +Shortly after he learned to roll a safe game of Pool, the Governor +demised. + +Robert, such being the full front name of the sole Heir, found that he +could not spread his Pinions in the narrow Streets of the lichen- +covered Hamlet. + +So he blew. He went to find an Avenue that would accommodate seven +Zeppelin Air-Ships moving abreast at one time. + +He closed out the Dry Goods Emporium with the Shirt-Waists and the +shameless Hosiery in the Windows. + +An Apartment Building, with Packages delivered at the rear, soon began +to flaunt itself on the site of the old Manse. + +With all the currency corralled by the late Store-Keeper padded into +his Norfolk Jacket, the gallus Offspring hurried to the Metrop to pick +the Primroses. + +In a short time he was out at the Track every day, barking at the Goats +as they hove into the Stretch. + +The pencil-borrowing Touts and the Wine Pushers began to call him Bob, +which proved that he was a Man about Town. + +When the final Kiflukus was put on the Ponies, he assembled the residue +of his Bundle and began to work steady as a Guesser in a Broker's +Office. + +His job was to show at 10 A. M. with a big Reina Victoria at one +extreme corner of his Face and pretend to know what was coming off when +the Boy put the funny marks on the Blackboard. + +Ever and anon he would buy 1000 Shares of something, as if Negotiating +for a Bread-Ticket. + +As a rule, the tall-grass Plunger with a wad of new Kale has about the +same percentage in his favor as that enjoyed by a Shoat out at the +well-known Establishment of Armour & Co. + +The Cleaners go forth to meet him, bearing as Gifts a Dream-Book and a +new kind of Cocktail with a Kick like a Coast-Defense Gun. + +A few weeks later they are casting lots for his Union Suit. + +Bob came from Simpville, but he had acquired a couple of Wrinkles +associating with the Wing Shots in the Paddock. + +He could shift to either Foot and he kept his Maxillary covered. + +Sometimes he picked up the wrong Walnut. It would begin to look like +a quick change from Caviar to Crackers. + +More than once his Heels were beating a tattoo on the grassy brink of +a Precipice. + +Then he would smell around until he discovered Something Doing. A +couple of lucky shots and he would be on Velvet again and whanging +away like a Demon. + +At last, with a Bull Market and a system of Pyramids, he began to sweep +it in with his Fore-Arm. + +Head Waiters paid him the most grovelling Attentions and bright eyes +grew brighter yet when he suggested pulling a little Supper, with a +$400 Souvenir at each Plate. + +He was admitted to full membership in the Tango Tribe of the Tenderloin +Night-Riders. + +This select Coterie was organized for the purpose of closing all +Cabarets by 6 A. M.. + +An early hour was named because many of them were not made up for the +cold Daylight. + +About the time he began to discover Vintages he discovered Elphye also. +She was an Actress who was too busy to perform on the Stage. + +Elphye had a good Social Position back at her Home lot but, for some +reason, she never sent for it. + +Her Parents had arranged for her to be a Brunette, but when Bob met +her, between the Guinea Hen and the Cafe Parfait, she was a Lemon +Meringue. + +Elphye wore Clothes that made a noise like a Piccolo. + +She was there with the jeweled Heels and the hand-painted Ankles. + +In trying to make her Gowns anywhere from six to nine months ahead of +Paris, she sprung several Effects that caused the Chandeliers to +tremble and the Ice to melt in the Buckets. + +She had abolished her Shape entirely and abandoned the Perpendicular, +preferring a Droop which indicated that possibly she had been +fashioned over a Barrel. + +She tried to model herself on the lines of a string Bean, slightly +warped by the Sun. + +The Ascending Star of the Financial World was stunned by the Apparition. +No one had tipped it off to him that the Queen of Sheba was to be +reincarnated. + +He found Elphye ever and ever so accomplished. + +She knew all the Songs that now blister the Varnish off the Pianos in +so many well-ordered Homes. + +She was enough of a Contortionist to get away with several Dances named +for the innocent Poultry. + +Being a close student of the Bill-Boards she was in touch with Current +Happenings. + +Her Eye-Work was perfect, but she found it hard pumping to Blush at the +right time. + +When she tackled Polite Conversation she put a few Tooth-Marks in it. + +Still she made a very creditable Stab for a Girl brought up in Michigan +and never east of Sheepshead Bay. + +She looked very creamy to Bob, if the Music was loud enough. + +He liked to tow something that would cause the Oyster Forks to pause in +midair and the Catty Ones to reach for their hardware. + +When Elphye did a little Barnum and Bailey down the main Chute of a +Terrapin Bazaar, rest assured that every Eye in the Resort was aimed at +her gleaming Vertebrae. + +Bob showed her his monthly Statements and she confessed to being very +fond of him. So it was planned that they would Marry some afternoon, +if she could get away from the Masseuse early enough. + +The Troth was pledged in a few high-priced Trinkets which she had +decided upon before he spoke to her. + +Just when it seemed a mortal Pipe that the Bull Tactics would enable +him to cop a Million, so that he could live at a Hotel and finance the +Little Queen, the Unseen Superintendent in the Tower began to throw the +Switches of Destiny. + +If Bob had not speeded so far into the Country in the Smell-Wagon, +there would have been no Flat Tire. + +If there had been no Flat Tire, he would have been back in time for the +usual round-up of the Irrigation Committee and never would have been a +Great Financier. + +Marooned among the Hay-Fields, he stopped at a Farm House and took a +long chance on some Well-Water, dipped in a Gourd from the Moss-Covered +Bucket. + +Scotch Whiskey is never contaminated by Surface Drains, but each +sparkling Drop of the Fluid that Bob quaffed, there beneath the +Willows, contained more than 2,000,000 of the Germs made notorious by +Dr. Woods Hutchinson. + +A few days later a swarm of Bees settled in each ear. Every Sky- +Scraper gave an imitation of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. + +He knew he was out of Kelter, but he had to watch the Board, for he had +put every Bean in the World on an acrobatic Industrial known as Tin +Bucket Preferred. + +Already the Paper Profits were enormous. Bob figured confidently on +another Whoop of 50 points and a double string of Pearls for Elphye. +But when the poor Loon had a Temperature of 5 above Par and had to +cling to the Brass Rail to keep from taking the Count, he lost his +Nerve entirely. + +He couldn't see anything on the Horizon except Tariff Revision, Hard +Times, Weeping Women, Starving Kiddies, Closed Factories, Soup +Kitchens, and Bread Lines. + +While in this dotty State and quite irresponsible, he directed the +Manager to close out the whole Smear and sell short. + +Furthermore, he was so daffy and curdled in the Filbert that he sold +three times as much as he had. + +Then he did a couple of Spins and a Flop, and the White Ambulance bore +him away to the big Hospital. + +If Mr. Hornung Jackson of Round Grove, Maryland, had not entered upon +his Second Childhood at the age of 55, his Family would have remained +on Easy Street. + +Mr. Jackson thought he could sit in his Front Room and read the +burglarious Meditations of the High-Binders in Wall Street. + +Consequently, when the Tin Box was searched, the Day after the Masons +had marched out to the Cemetery, it contained a little of everything +except Assets. + +Annie was the name of the Daughter. + +On the Clean-up she received enough to put her through the School. + +When Bob arrived at the Hospital, in a State of Conflagration, Annie +was waiting in the starched Uniform to tackle her first real Case. + +For days and nights he rambled through the ghostly labyrinths of +Delirium, Annie holding him by the Hand and lifting the cool Draughts +to his parched Lips. + +He mumbled and raved about the decisions of the Umpire in the game +between the Academy and the Knitting Works. + +He gave Annie his entire performance of Ralph Rackstraw in "Pinafore" +for the benefit of the Library Fund, including Cues. + +He scolded his Aunt Mary for doing her own Housework and told the +Colored Men how to lay the Cement Walk down through the Grape Arbor. +He promised his Father not to play Poker any more and vowed to his +Mother that she was a better Chef than the one up at Del's. +But his sub-conscious Self was so considerate of Elphye that he never +brought in her Name at all, at all. + +Sometimes he would get back to the Ticker, but he was ready to leave it +any time to go fishing in the Crick with the Lads from the other side +of the Tracks. + +Through the final Crisis he played tag with the Grim Reaper and just +escaped being It. + +The Sun was slanting into the little white Room when he crawled feebly +back to Earth and tried to get his Bearings. + +Annie was looking right at him, relieved and smiling and happy. She +had won her first game in the Big League. + +He noticed that she was not slashed up the side or down the back, had +no metallic Insteps, carried her own Hair, and was in no way concealed +behind the usual pallid Veneering. + +He remembered dimly that she had been with him on the Underground. + +Then he recalled a previous Existence in which the Dripped Absinthe was +a Breakfast and the Cigarette a Luncheon and Elphye was trotting in her +Glads and he had a Swell Bet down on Tin Bucket Preferred. The whole +Lay-Out seemed unreal and remote and entirely disconnected with Friend +Nurse. + +He inquired the Day of the Week, and when he learned it was Next Month +he started to get right up and put on his Things. + +Annie quietly spread him back on the Pillow and laid down the Law +regarding Rest and Quiet. + +Then he begged her to ring up McCusick & Co. and get the latest Bucket +Preferred. + +He said he had plastered his last Samoelon and, not being there to +watch the Board and concentrate his wonderful Trading Instinct on every +jiggle of the Dial, there was no telling what the Bone-Heads had done +to him. + +You see, he had no recollection whatever of going Short, for he had +been in a Walking Delirium at the time and crazy as a Cubist. + +Annie said it was wrong to Gamble and he was not to read the Papers or +fuss with Visitors until Doc gave the word. + +Suddenly he remembered that he was engaged to Elphye and he wondered if +she had forgotten. + +So many things can happen in a Great City within two weeks. + +He told Nurse about Elphye. Annie did not seem madly interested, but +she wrote a Note to the Sazerack Apartment Building and notified the +Seraphine that her prospective Producer was still extant and would be +willing to renew acquaintance if she could spare an hour or two from +her Dancing. + +Elphye came out two days later made up as a Princess in the Christmas +Pantomime and diffusing pleasant Odors in all directions. + +She sat down alongside of Annie and immediately she was shown up and +went back to the Minors. + +Her Second-Reader Conversation, complicated with the phoney Boston +sound of "A" as in "Squash," did not improve her General Average. +Bob suddenly realized that in getting rid of the Bronxes and the +Nicotine and various other Toxins, he also had lost his appetite for +Elphye. + +But he was Game and willing to go through on his own Proposition. +He sent Nurse for a glass of Water and then begged his Fiancee to +smuggle in a Newspaper so he could find out the name of his getting-off +Station. + +Next day she brought the Market Page in her wonderful jewel-crusted Bag. +Bob took one Look and crawled under the Covers. + +The Market had gone Blooey. + +Bucket Preferred was down in the Subway, bleeding from a dozen Wounds. +The Whole List was on the Blinkety Fritz. + +"Courage, Dearie," said Bob, taking Elphye by the Rings. "Your little +Playmate is erased from the map." + +Elphye upset two Rolling Chairs and one Interne getting from the +Convalescent Department to the open Air. + +Annie found the poor Bankrupt much improved as to Pulse and Temperature. +He told her the whole Story of how his Lady Fair had canned him because +he was no longer a Live One. + +She held his hand and pushed back his Locks and told him that any Girl +with a Heart would stick closer than ever to her Selection when he was +under the Rollers. + +Just then a Messenger from McCusick came in and showed Bob that by +going Short and standing pat he was $1,800,000 to the Desirable. +After that, Bob was known up and down the Street as The Wizard. + +Annabelle, remembering how they had got to her Father, made him cut out +the Margins and put the whole Chunk into listed Securities and Real +Estate. + +He wanted to stick around and parlee up to a Billion, but she raised a +most emphatic Nixey. + +He was so used to taking orders from her as a Trained Nurse that he cut +out speculating and played Safe. + +The whole game was punk for months after, so every one said he had been +a Wise Mug for backing away. + +The Missus allows him a light one (mostly Vermouth) before Dinner each +evening and has taught him a private Signal which means that she is +ready to duck and go Home. + +At present they are in Paris, where she is working to get the same +hilarious _Tout Ensemble_ formerly exhibited by Elphye, the Ex-Empress +of the White Light Reservation. + +The latter went to see a Lawyer when she learned that she had been +tricked out of her Happiness. + +Unfortunately for her, she had nothing on Robert, thanks to his native +shrewdness and Mr. Bell, who invented the Telephone. + +She is now playing Utility Parts in a Stock Company in Pennsylvania. +The Jewels pelted at her by Bob are much admired by the Gallery. + +MORAL: The City holds no Peril for those who cherish Lucky Ideals. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF SUSAN AND THE DAUGHTER AND THE GRAND-DAUGHTER, AND +THEN SOMETHING REALLY GRAND + +Once there was a full-blown Wild Peach, registered in the Family Bible +as Susan Mahaly. + +Her Pap divided his time between collecting at a Toll-Gate and +defending the Military Reputation of Andy Jackson. + +The family dwelt in what was then regarded by Cambridge, Mass., as the +Twilight Zone of Semi-Culture, viz., Swigget County, Pennsylvania. +Susan wore Linsey-Woolsey from Monday to Saturday. She never had +tampered with her Venus de Milo Topography and she did not even suspect +that Women had Nerves. + +When she was seventeen she had a Fore-Arm like a Member of the +Turnverein. + +She knew how to Card and Weave and Dye. Also she could make Loose Soap +in a kettle out in the Open Air. + +Susan never fell down on her Salt-Rising Bread. Her Apple Butter was +always A1. + +It was commonly agreed that she would make some Man a good Housekeeper, +for she was never sickly and could stay on her Feet sixteen hours at a +Stretch. + +Already she was beginning to look down the Pike for a regular Fellow. +In the year 1840, the Lass of seventeen who failed to get her Hooks on +some roaming specimen of the Opposite Gender was in danger of being +whispered about as an Old Maid. Celibacy was listed with Arson and +Manslaughter. + +Rufus was destined to be an Early Victorian Rummy, but he could lift a +Saw-Log, and he would stand without being hitched, so Susan nailed him +the third time he came snooping around the Toll-Gate. + +Rufus did not have a Window to hoist or a Fence to lean on. But there +is no Poverty in any Pocket of the Universe until Wealth arrives and +begins to get Luggy. + +Susan thought she was playing in rare Luck to snare a Six-Footer who +owned a good Squirrel Rifle and could out-wrastle all Comers. + +The Hills of Pennsylvania were becoming congested, with Neighbors not +more than two or three miles apart, so Rufus and his Bride decided to +hit a New Trail into the Dark Timber and grow up with the Boundless +West. + +Relatives of the Young Couple staked them to a team of Pelters, a Muley +Cow, a Bird Dog of dubious Ancestry, an Axe and a Skillet, and started +them over the Divide toward the perilous Frontier, away out yender in +Illinoy. + +It was a Hard Life. As they trundled slowly over the rotten Roads, +toward the Land of Promise, they had to subsist largely on Venison, +Prairie Chicken, Quail, Black Bass, Berries, and Wild Honey. They +carried their own Coffee. + +Arrived at the Jumping-Off Place, they settled down among the Mink and +Musk-Rats. Rufus hewed out and jammed together a little two by twice +Cabin with the Flue running up the outside. It looked ornery enough +to be the Birthplace of almost any successful American. + +The Malaria Mosquito was waiting for the Pioneers. In those good old +Chills-and-Fever days, no one ever blamed it on the Female of the +Species. Those who had the Shakes allowed that they were being jarred +by the Hand of Providence. + +When the family ran low on Quinine, all he had to do was hook up and +drive fifty miles to the nearest Town, where he would trade the Furs +for Necessities such as Apple-Jack and Navy Twist, and possibly a few +Luxuries such as Tea and Salt. + +On one of these memorable Trips to the Store, a Mood which combined +Sentiment with reckless Prodigality seized upon him. + +He thought of the brave Woman who was back there in the lonesome Shack, +shooing the Prairie Wolves away from the Cradle, and he resolved to +reward her. + +With only three Gills of Stone Fence under his Wammus, he spread his +Wild-Cat Currency on the Counter and purchased a $6 Clock, with jig-saw +ornaments, a shiny coat of Varnish, and a Bouquet of Pink Roses on the +door. + +Susan burst into Tears when she saw it on the Wall, alongside of the +Turkey Wing, and vowed that she had married the Best Man in the World. + +Twenty years later, Jennie, the first begotten Chick at the Log House +in the Clearing, had matured and married, and was living at the County- +Seat with Hiram, Money-Changer and Merchant. + +Railroad Trains, Side-Bar Buggies, Coal-Oil Lamps, and the Civil War +had come along with a Rush and disarranged primitive Conditions. The +Frontier had retreated away over into Kansas. + +In the very Township where, of late, the Beaver had toiled without +Hindrance and the Red Fox dug his hole unscared, people were now eating +Cove Oysters, and going to see "East Lynne." + +Hiram was in rugged Health, having defended the flag by Proxy during +the recent outcropping of Acrimony between the devotees of Cold Bread +and the slaves of Hot Biscuit. The Substitute had been perforated +beyond repair at the Battle of Kennesaw Mountain, proving that Hiram +made no mistake in remaining behind to tend Store. + +When Jennie moved in where she could hear the Trains whistle and began +to sport a Cameo Brooch, she could barely remember wearing a Slip and +having Stone Bruises. + +Hiram was Near, but he would Loosen up a trifle for his own Fireside. +The fact that Jennie was his wife gave her quite a Standing with him. +He admired her for having made such a Success of her Life. + +They dwelt in a two-story Frame with countless Dewdads and Thingumbobs +tacked along the Eaves and Scalloped around the Bay Windows. + +The Country People who came in to see the Eighth Wonder of the World +used to stand in silent Awe, breathing through their Noses. + +Out on the lawn, surrounded by Geraniums, was a Cast-Iron Deer which +seemed to be looking at the Court House in a startled Manner. It was +that kind of a Court House. + +In her Front Room, the daughter of Rufus and Susan had Wonderful Wax +Flowers, sprinkled with Diamond Dust; a What-Not bearing Mineral +Specimens, Conch-Shells, and a Star-Fish, also some Hair-Cloth +Furniture, very slippery and upholstered with Sand. + +After Hiram gave her the Black Silk and paid for the Crayon +Enlargements of her Parents, Jennie did not have the Face to bone him +for anything more, but she longed in secret and Hiram suspected. +Jennie was a soprano. Not a regular Soprano, but a Country-Town +Soprano, of the kind often used for augmenting the Grief in a Funeral. +Her voice came from a point about two inches above the Right Eye. +She had assisted a Quartette to do things to "Juanita," and sometimes +tossed out little Hints about wishing she could practice at Home. +Jennie was a Nice Woman but she _did_ need Practice. + +Although Hiram was tighter than the Bark on a Sycamore, he liked to +have other Women envy the Mother of His Children. + +When he spread himself from a Shin-Plaster, he expected a Fanfare of +Trumpets. + +It took him a long time to unwind the String from the Wallet, but he +would Dig if he thought he was boosting his own Game. + +By stealthy short-weighting of the Country Trade and holding out on the +Assessor, he succeeded in salting away numerous Kopecks in one corner +of the Safe. + +While in Chicago to buy his Winter Stock, he bargained for two days and +finally bought a Cottage Melodeon, with the Stool thrown in. + +Jennie would sit up and pump for Hours at a time, happy in the +knowledge that she had drawn the Capital Prize in the Lottery of Hymen. + +In the year 1886 there was some Church Wedding at the County Seat. +Frances, daughter of Hiram and Jennie, had knocked the Town a Twister +when she came home from the Female College wearing Bangs and toting a +Tennis Racquet. + +All the local Gallants, with Cocoa-Oil in their hair and Rings on their +Cravats, backed into the Shrubbery. + +Hiram had bought her about $1800 worth of Hauteur at the select +Institution of Learning. All she had to do was look at a Villager +through her Nose-Specs and he would curl up like an Autumn Leaf. + +A Cuss from Chicago came to see her every two weeks. + +His Trousers seemed to be choking him. The Pompadour was protected by +a Derby of the Fried-Egg species. It was the kind that Joe Weber +helped to keep in Public Remembrance. But in 1886 it was de Rigeur, +au Fait, and a la mode. + +Frances would load the hateful City Chap into the high Cart and exhibit +him up and down all the Residence Thoroughfares. + +On nearly every Front Porch some Girl whose Father was not interested +in the First National Bank would peer out through the Morning Glories +at the Show-off and then writhe like an Angle-Worm. + +The Wedding was the biggest thing that had struck the town since +Forepaugh stopped over on his way from Peoria to Decatur. + +Frances was not a popular Girl, on account of being so Uppish, so those +who could not fight their way into the Church climbed up and looked +through the Windows. + +The Groom wore a Swallow-Tail. + +Most of those present had seen Pictures of the Dress Suit. In the +_Fireside Companion,_ the Gentleman wearing one always had Curls, and +the Wood-Engraving caught him in the act of striking a Lady in the Face +and saying "Curse you!" + +The Feeling at the County-Seat was that Frances had taken a Desperate +Chance. + +The caterer with Colored Help in White Gloves, the ruby Punch suspected +of containing Liquor, the Japanese Lanterns attached to the Maples, the +real Lace in the Veil, the glittering Array of Pickle-Jars, and a well- +defined Rumor that most of the imported Ushers had been Stewed, gave +the agitated Hamlet something to blat about for many and many a day. + +The Bachelor of Arts grabbed off by the daughter of Jennie and the +Grand-daughter of Susan was the owner of Real Estate in the congested +Business District of a Town which came into Public Attention later on +through the efforts of Frank Chance. + +His front name was Willoughby, but Frances always called him "Dear," no +matter what she happened to be thinking of at the time. + +Part of State Street had been wished on to Willoughby. He was afraid +to sell, not knowing how to reinvest. + +So he sat back and played safe. With growing Delight he watched the +Unearned Increment piling up on every Corner. He began to see that he +would be fairly busy all his life, jacking up Rents. + +The Red-Brick Fortress to which he conducted Frances had Stone Steps in +front and a secret Entrance for lowly Tradespeople at the rear. + +Willoughby and his wife had the high courage of Youth and the Financial +Support of all the Money Spenders along State Street, so they started +in on Period Decoration. Each Room in the House was supposed to stand +for a Period. Some of them stood for a great deal. + +A few of the Periods looked like Exclamation Points. + +The young couple disregarded the Toll-Gate Period and the Log-Cabin +Period, but they worked in every one of the Louies until the Gilt +Furniture gave out. + +The delighted Caller at the House beside the Lake would pass from an +East Indian Corridor through an Early Colonial American Room into a +Japanese Boudoir and, after resting his Hat, would be escorted into +the Italian Renaissance Drawing-Room to meet the Hostess. From this +exquisite Apartment, which ate up one year's Rent of a popular Buffet +near Van Buren Street, there could be obtained a ravishing glimpse of +the Turkish Cozy Corner beyond, including the Battle-Axes and the Red +Lamp. + +Frances soon began to hob-nob with the most delicatessen Circles, +including Families that dated back to the Fire of 1871. + +She was not at all Dizzy, even when she looked down from the Mountain +Peak at her happy Birthplace, 15,000 feet below. + +Willoughby turned out to be a satisfactory Housemate. His Voltage was +not high, but he always ate Peas with a Fork and never pulled at the +Leash when taken to a Musicale. + +In front of each Ear he carried a neat Area of Human Ivy, so that he +could speak up at a Meeting of Directors. Until the year 1895, the +restricted Side-Whisker was an accepted Trade-Mark of Commercial Probity. +This facial Landscaping, the Frock Coat, and a steadfast devotion to +Toilet Soap made him suitable for Exhibition Purposes. + +Frances became almost fond of him, after the Honeymoon evaporated and +their Romance ripened into Acquaintanceship. + +It was a gladsome day for both when she traced the Dope back through +Swigget County, Pennsylvania, and discovered that she was an honest-to- +goodness Daughter of the American Revolution. + +Willoughby could not ask a representative of good old Colonial Stock to +ride around in a stingy Coupe with a Coon planted out on the Weather- +Seat. + +He changed the Terms in several Leases and was enabled to slip her a +hot Surprise on the Birthday. + +When she came down the Steps for the usual bowl along the Avenue, so as +to get some Fresh Smoke, she beheld a rubber-tired Victoria, drawn by +two expensive Bang-Tails in jingly Harness and surmounted by important +Turks in overwhelming Livery. + +She was so trancified with Delight that she went right over to +Willoughby and gave him a Sweet Kiss, after looking about rather +carefully for the exposed portion of the Frontispiece. + +Frances did a lot of Calling within the next two weeks, and to all +those who remarked upon the Smartness of the Equipage, she declared +that the Man she had to put up with carried a Throbbing Heart even if +he was an Intellectual Midget. + +In the year 1913, a slender Young Thing, all of whose Habiliments +seemed melting and dripping downward, came wearily from Stateroom B as +the Train pulled into Reno, Nevada. + +She seemed quite alone, except for a couple of Maids. + +After she had given Directions concerning the nine Wardrobe Trunks and +the Live Stock, she was motored to a specially reserved Cottage at the +corner of Liberty Street and Hope Avenue. + +Next day she sat at the other side of a Table from a Lawyer, removing +the poisoned Javelins from her fragile Person and holding them up +before the shuddering Shyster. + +She had a Tale of Woe calculated to pulp a Heart of Stone. In blocking +out the Affidavit, her sympathetic Attorney made Pencil Notes as +follows: + +Her name was Ethel Louise, favorite Daughter of Willoughby and Frances, +the well-known Blue-Bloods of the Western Metropolis. + +She had finished off at Miss Sniffle's exclusive School, which +overlooks the Hudson and the Common School Branches. + +After she learned to enter a Ball-Room and while on her way to attack +Europe for the third time, the Viper crossed her Pathway. + +She accepted him because his name was Hubert, he looked like an +Englishman, and one of his Ancestors turned the water into Chesapeake +Bay. + +While some of the Wedding Guests were still in the Hospital, he began +to practice the most diabolical Cruelties. + +He induced her to get on his Yacht and go cruising through the +Mediterranean when she wanted to take an Apartment in Paris. + +At Monte Carlo he scolded her for borrowing 3000 Francs from a Russian +Grand Duke after she went broke at bucking the Wheel. She had met the +Duke at a Luncheon the day before and his Manners were perfect. + +The Lawyer said that Herbert was a Pup, beyond all Cavil. + +Cairo, Egypt, yielded up another Dark Chapter of History. + +It came out in the sobbing Recital that Hubert had presented her with a +$900 prize-winning Pomeranian, directly related to the famous Fifi, +owned by the Countess Skidoogan of Bilcarty. + +Later on, he seemed to feel that the Pomeranian had come between him +and Ethel. The Situation became more and more tense, and finally, one +day in Egypt, within plain sight of the majestic Pyramids, he kicked +Precious ever so hard and raised quite a Swelling. + +The Legal Adviser said Death was too good for such a Fiend. + +In Vienna, though, that was where he went so far that Separation became +inevitable. + +Ethel had decided to take an $80,000 Pearl Necklace she had seen in a +Window. It was easily worth that much, and she felt sure she could get +it in without paying Duty. She had been very successful at bringing +things Home. + +She could hardly believe her Ears when Hubert told her to forget it and +back up and come out of the Spirit World and alight on the Planet Earth. +He had been Heartless on previous Occasions, but this was the first +time he had been Mean enough to renig on a mere side-issue such as +coming across with the Loose Change. + +Ethel was simply de-termined to have that Necklace, but the unfeeling +Whelp tried to kid her out of the Notion. + +Then he started in to Pike. He suggested a $20,000 Tarara of Rubies +and Diamonds as a Compromise. Ethel became wise to the fact that she +had joined out with a Wad. + +While she was pulling a daily Sick Headache in the hope of bringing him +to Taw, the Maharajah of Umslopagus came along and bought the Necklace. +That was when Ethel had to be taken to a Rest Cure in the Austrian +Tyrol, and she had never been the Same Woman since. + +To all who had come pleading for Reconciliation, Ethel had simply hung +out the Card, "Nothing Doing." + +After a Brute has jumped up and down on the Aching Heart of a Girl of +proud Lineage he can't square himself in 1,000,000 years. + +So said Ethel, between the flowing Tears. + +Furthermore, there had been hopeless Incompatibility. In all the time +they were together, they never had been able to agree on a Turkish +Cigarette. + +The professional Home-Blaster said she had enough on Herbert to get her +four Divorces. The Decree would be a Pipe. + +Ethel said she hoped so and to please push it along, as she had quite a +Waiting-List. + +MORAL: Rufus had no business buying the Clock. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE SCOFFER WHO FELL HARD AND THE WOMAN SITTING BY + +One day in the pink dawn of the present Century, a man with his Hair +neatly set back around the Ears and the usual Blood Pressure was +whizzing through a suburban Lonesomeness on a teetering Trolley. The +name of the man was Mr. Pallzey. He had a desk with a Concern that did +merchandizing in a large way. + +Mr. Pallzey feared Socialism and carried his Wife's Picture in his +Watch and wore Plasters. In other words, he was Normal, believing +nearly everything that appeared in the Papers. + +While the Dog-Fennel was softly brushing the Foot-Board and the Motor +was purring consistently beneath, Mr. Pallzey looked over into a close- +cropped Pasture and became the alert Eye-Witness of some very weird +Doings. + +He saw a pop-eyed Person in soiled Neglige, who made threatening +movements toward something concealed in the White Clover, with a Weapon +resembling the iron Dingus used in gouging the Clinkers from a Furnace. + +"What is the plot of the Piece?" he inquired of a Grand Army man, +sitting next. + +"I think," replied the Veteran, "I think he is killing a Garter Snake." + +"Oh, no," spoke up the conversational Conductor, "He is playing +Golluf," giving the word the Terre Haute pronunciation. + +Mr. Pallzey looked with pity on the poor Nut who was out in the Hot +Sun, getting himself all lathered up with One-Man Shinny. + +He said to G. A. R. that it took all kinds of People to make a World. +The grizzled Warrior rose to an equal Altitude by remarking that if +the dag-goned Loon had to do it for a Living, he'd think it was Work. +Mr. Pallzey had heard of the new Diversion for the Idle Rich, just as +people out in the Country hear of Milk-Sickness or falling Meteors, +both well authenticated but never encountered. + +While rummaging through the Sporting Page, he would come across a +cryptic Reference to MacFearson of Drumtochtie being 3 up and 2 to play +on Hargis of Sunset Ho, whereupon he would experience a sense of +annoyance and do a quick Hurdle. + +He had seen in various Shop-Windows the spindly Utensils and snowy +Pellets which, he had reason to believe, were affiliated in some way +with the sickening Fad. He would look at them with extreme Contempt +and rather resent their contaminating contiguity to the Mask, the Shin- +Guard, and the upholstered Grabber. + +Mr. Pallzey believed that Golf was played by the kind of White Rabbits +who March in Suffrage Parades, wearing Gloves. + +The dreaded Thing lay outside of his Orbit and beyond his Ken, the same +as Tatting or Biology. His conception of a keen and sporty game was +Pin Pool or Jacks Only with the Deuce running wild. + +One Saturday he was invited out to a Food Saturnalia at a Country +Place. The Dinner was postponed until late in the Day because they all +dreaded it so much. + +Friend Host said he had a twosome on at the Club and was trying out an +imported Cleek, so he invited Mr. Pallzey to be a Spectator. + +If he had said that he was going up in a Balloon to hemstitch a couple +of Clouds, it would have sounded just as plausible to Mr. Pallzey of the +Wholesale District. + +The latter went along, just out of Politeness, but he was a good deal +disappointed in his Friend. It certainly did seem trifling for a +Huskie weighing one hundred and eighty to pick on something about the +size of a Robin's Egg. + +Mr. Pallzey played Gallery all around the Course. He would stand +behind them at the Tee and smile in a most calm and superior Manner +while they sand-shuffled and shifted and jiggled and joggled and went +through the whole calisthenic Ritual of St. Vitus. + +He was surprised to note how far the Ball would speed when properly +spanked, but he thought there was no valid excuse for overrunning on +the Approaches. + +Mr. Pallzey found himself criticizing the Form of the Players. That +should have been his Cue to climb the Fence. + +All of the Mashiemaniacs start on the downward Path by making Mind-Plays +and getting under Bogey. + +Back on the sloping Sward between No. 18 and the Life-Saving Station, +the two Contestants were holding the usual Post-Mortem. + +"Let me see that Dewflicker a minute," said Mr. Pallzey, as he +carelessly extracted a Mid-iron. + +He sauntered up to the silly Globule and took an unpremeditated Swipe. +The Stroke rang sweet and vibrant. The ball rose in parabolic Splendor +above the highest branches of a venerable Elm. + +Just as the Face of the Club started on the Follow Through, the +Bacillus ran up and bit Mr. Pallzey on the Leg. + +He saw the blinking White Spot far out on the emerald Plain. He heard +the murmur of Admiration behind him. He was sorry his Wife had not +been there to take it in. + +"Leave me have another Ball," requested Mr. Pallzey. + +The Virus was working. + +He backed up so as to get a Running Start. + +"This time," quoth Mr. Pallzey, "I will push it to Milwaukee." + +Missing the Object of Attack by a scant six inches, he did a Genee toe- +spin and fell heavily with his Face among the Dandelions. + +The Host brushed him off and said: "Your Stance was wrong; your Tee +was too high; you raised the Left Shoulder; you were too rapid on the +Come-Back; the Grip was all in the Left Hand; you looked up; you moved +your Head at the top of the Stroke; you allowed the Left Knee to turn, +and you stood ahead of the Ball. Otherwise, it was a Loo-Loo." + +"If I come out next Sunday could you borrow me a Kit of Tools?" asked +Mr. Pallzey. He was twitching violently and looking at the Ball as if +it had called him a Name. "I got that first one all right, and I think +----" + +So it was arranged that the poor doomed Creature was to appear on the +following Sabbath and be equipped with a set of Cast-Offs and learn all +about the Mystery of the Ages between 11 A. M. and 2 P. M.. + +Mr. Pallzey went away not knowing that he was a Marked Man. + +On Monday he told the Stenographer how he stung the Ball the first time +up. He said he was naturally quick at picking up any kind of Game. He +thought it would be a Lark to get the hang of the Whole Business and +then get after some of those Berties in the White Pants. He figured +that Golf would be soft for any one who had played Baseball when young. +Truly all the raving is not done within the Padded Cells. + +He came home in the Sabbath Twilight, walking on his Ankles and +babbling about a Dandy Drive for the Long Hole. + +Regarding the other 378 Strokes he was discreetly silent. + +He told his Wife there was more in it than one would suppose. The +Easier the Swat, the greater the Carry. And he had made one Hole in +seven. + +Then he took a Parasol out of the Jar, and illustrated the famous Long +Drive with Moving Pictures, Tableaux, Delsarte, and some newly acquired +technical Drivel, which he mouthed with childish Delight. + +Now we see him buying Clubs, although he refers to them as Sticks-- +proving that he is still a groping Neophyte. + +He thinks that a shorter Shaft and more of a Lay-Back will enable him +to drive a Mile. The Gooseneck Putter will save him two on every Hole. +Also, will the Man please show him an Iron guaranteed to reach all the +way down to the Dimple and plunk it right in the Eye. + +Then all of the new Implements laid out at Home and Wife sitting back, +listening to a Lecture as to what will be pulled off on the succeeding +Day of Rest. + +She had promised at the Altar to Love, Honor, and Listen. Still, it +was trying to see the once-loved Adult cavorting on the verge of +Dementia and know that she was helpless. + +He sallied forth with those going to Early Mass, and returned at the +Vesper Hour caked with Dust and 98 per cent. gone in the Turret. + +It seems that at the sixth hole on the Last Round where you cross the +Crick twice, he fell down and broke both Arms and both Legs. So he +tore up the Medal Score, gave all the Clubs to the Caddy, and standing +on the grassy Summit of the tall Ridge guarding the Bunker, he had +lifted a grimy Paw and uttered the Vow of Renunciation. + +In other words, he was Through. + +The senile Wrecks and the prattling Juveniles, for whom the Game was +invented, could have his Part of it for all time. + +Never again would he walk on the Grass or cock his Arms or dribble Sand +all over the dark and trampled Ground where countless Good Men had +suffered. + +No, Indeed! + +So next day he bought all the Paraphernalia known to the Trade, and his +name was put up at a Club. + +It was one of those regular and sure-enough Clubs. High East Winds +prevailed in the Locker-Room. Every member was a Chick Evans when he +got back to the nineteenth hole. + +Mr. Pallzey now began to regard the Ancient and Honorable Pastime as a +compendium of Sacraments, Ordeals, Incantations, and Ceremonial +Formalities. + +He resigned himself into the Custody of a professional Laddie with +large staring Knuckles and a Dialect that dimmed all the memories of +Lauder. + +In a short time the Form was classy, but the Score had to be taken out +and buried after every Round. + +Mr. Pallzey saw that this Mundane Existence was not all Pleasure. He +had found his Life-Work. The Lode-Star of his declining Years would be +an even one hundred for the eighteen Flags. + +Wife would see him out in the Street, feeling his way along, totally +unmindful of his Whereabouts. She would lead him into the Shade, snap +her Fingers, call his Name, and gradually pull him out of the Trance. +He would look at her with a filmy Gaze and smile faintly, as if partly +remembering and then say: "Don't forget to follow through. Keep the +head down--tight with the left--no hunching--pivot on the hips. For a +Cuppy Lie, take the Nib. If running up with the Jigger, drop her dead. +The full St. Andrews should not be thrown into a Putt. Never up, never +in. Lift the flag. Take a pickout from Casual Water but play the +Road-ways. To overcome Slicing or Pulling, advance the right or left +Foot. Schlaffing and Socketing may be avoided by adding a hook with +top-spin or _vice versa._ The Man says there are twenty-six Things +to be remembered in Driving from the Tee. One is Stance. I forget the +other twenty-five." + +Then the Partner of his Joys and Sorrows, with the accent on the Debit +Side, would shoot twenty Grains of Asperin into him and plant him in +the Flax. + +Next morning at Breakfast he would break it to her that the Brassie had +developed too much of a Whip and he had decided to try a forty-inch +Shaft. + +They had Seasoned Hickory for Breakfast, Bunkers for Luncheon, and the +Fair Green for Dinner. + +As a matter of course they had to give up their comfortable Home among +the Friends who had got used to them and move out to a strawboard +Bungalow so as to be near the Execution Grounds. + +Mrs. Pallzey wanted to do the White Mountains, but Mr. Pallzey needed +her. He wanted her to be waiting on the Veranda at Dusk, so that he +could tell her all about it, from the preliminary Address to the final +Foozle. + +Sometimes he would come home enveloped in a foglike Silence which +would last beyond early Candle Lighting, when he would express the +Opinion that the Administration at Washington had proved a Failure. + +Perhaps the very next Evening he would lope all the way up the Gravel +and breeze into her presence, smelling like a warm gust of Air from +Dundee. + +He would ask her to throw an Amber Light on the Big Hero. He would +call her "Kid" and say that Vardon had nothing on him. Her man was the +Gink to show that Pill how to take a Joke. + +Then she would know that he had won a Box of Balls from Mrs. Talbot's +poor old crippled Father-in-Law. + +She could read him like a Barometer. If he and Mr. Hilgus, the Real +Estate Man, came home together fifteen feet apart, she would know it +had been a Jolly Day on the Links. + +By the second summer, Mr. Pallzey had worked up until he was allowed to +use a Shower Bath once hallowed by the presence of Jerome Travers. + +He was not exactly a Duffer. He was what might be called a sub-Duffer, +or Varnish, which means that the Committee was ashamed to mark up the +Handicap. + +He still had a good many superfluous Hands and Feet and was bleeding +freely on every Green. + +Sometimes he would last as far as the Water-Hazard and then sink with a +Bubbling Cry. + +Notwithstanding which, he kept on trying to look like the Photographs +of Ouimet. + +If he spun into the High Spinach off at the Right it was Tough Luck. +If he whanged away with a Niblick down in a bottomless Pit, caromed on +a couple of Oaks, and finally angled off toward the Cup, he would go +around for Days talking about Some Shot. + +As his Ambition increased, his Mental Arithmetic became more and more +defective and his Moral Nature was wholly atrophied. + +As an Exponent of the more advanced Play he was a Fliv, but as a +Matchmaker he was a Hum-Dinger. + +He knew he was plain pastry for the Sharks, so he would hang around the +first Tee waiting to cop out a Pudding. + +One day he took on Mrs. Olmstead's Infant Son, just home from Military +School. + +The tender Cadet nursed him along to an even-up at the Punch-Bowl and +then proceeded to smear his vital Organs all over the Bad Lands. + +That evening Mr. Pallzey told her she would have to cut down on +Household Expenses. + +Six years after he gave up the Business Career and consecrated himself +to something more Important, Mr. Pallzey had so well mastered the +baffling Intricacies that he was allowed to trail in a Foursome with +the President of the Club. This happened once. + +It is well known that any Person who mooches around a Country Club for +a sufficient Period will have some kind of a Cup wished on to him. +Fourteen years after Mr. Pallzey threw himself into it, Heart and Soul, +and when the Expenses approximated $30,000, he earned his Halo. + +One evening he came back to his haggard Companion, chortling infant- +wise, and displayed something which looked like an Eye-Cup with Handles +on it. + +He said it was a Trophy. It was a Consolation Offering for Maidens +with an allowance of more than eighteen. + +After that their daily Life revolved around the $2 bargain in +Britannia. Mrs. Pallzey had to use Metal Polish on it to keep it from +turning black. + +When the Visitors lined up in front of the Mantel and gazed at the tiny +Shaving Mug, the Cellar Champion on the World would regale them with +the story of hairbreadth 'Scapes and moving Adventures by Gravel +Gullies and rushing Streams on the Memorable Day when he (Pallzey) had +put the Blocks to Old Man McLaughlin, since deceased. + +Then he would ask all present to feel of his Forearm, after which he +would pull the Favorite One about Golf adding ten years to his life. + +Mrs. Pallzey would be sitting back, pouring Tea, but she never chimed +in with any Estimate as to what had been the effect on her Table of +Expectations. + +MORAL: Remain under the Awning. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE LONESOME CAMP ON THE FROZEN HEIGHTS + +Elam was the main Whizzer in a huddle of Queen Annes, bounded on the +North by a gleaming Cemetery, on the East by a limping subdivision, on +the South by a deserted Creamery, and on the West by an expanse of +Stubble. + +Claudine was the other two-thirds of the Specialty. + +She was a snappy little Trick and it was a dull hour of the Day or +Night when she couldn't frame up a new General Order for the +Breadwinner. + +The Marriage came off during the third summer of her twenty-seventh +year. + +She accepted Elam about a week before he proposed to her, thus +simplifying the Ordeal. + +While the Wafer on the License was still warm, she put on her spangled +Suit, moved to the centre of the Ring, and cracked the Whip. + +After than Elam continued to be a Hellion around the Office, but in his +private Quarters he was merely Otto, the Trained Seal. + +Claudine could make him Bark, play the Cymbals, or go back to the Blue +Bench. + +There is one Elam in every Settlement. + +All the wise Paper-hangers and the fly Guitar Players had him marked up +as a Noodle, but somehow, every time the winning Numbers were hung out, +he would be found in Line, waiting to Cash. + +He was not Bright enough to do anything except garner the Gold +Certificates. + +Elam had no Ear for Music, and, coming out of the Opera House, never +could remember the name of the Play or which one of the Burglars was +the real Hero. + +His Reading was confined to the Headlines of a conservative Paper which +was still printing War News. + +Baseball had not come into his Life whatsoever. + +A cultured Steno, who knew about George Meredith and Arnold Bennett, +had to do his Spelling for him at 14 Bucks per. + +The Cerebellum of Elam was probably about the dimensions of a Malaga +Grape. + +Sizing him by his Looks, one would have opined that Nature meant him +for a Ticket-taker in a suburban Cinema Palace. + +Elam was a mental Gnat and a spiritual Microbe, but the Geezer knew how +to annex the Kale. + +When Providence is directing the Handouts, she very often slips some +Squarehead the canny Gift of corralling the Cush, but holds out all of +the desirable Attributes supposed to distinguish Man from what you see +in the Cages at the Zoo. + +After the Pater had earned his Shaft in the Cemetery, Elam became the +Loud Noise around a dinky Manufacturing Plant down by the Yards. +The Cracker Barrel Coterie and all the Old Ladies who had become +muscle-bound from wielding the Sledge predicted that Elam would put the +Organization into the Ditch, wrong side up. + +The Well-wishers, the Brotherly lovers, and the total membership of the +Helping Hand Society sat back waiting for Elam to be dug out of the +Debris, so they could collect Witness Fees at the Autopsy. + +The Junior earned their abiding Dislike by putting one across. + +He made the Fossils sit up in their padded Rocking Chairs and pay some +attention to the Idiot Child. + +He never could hold down any Position until tried out for a Captain of +Industry and then he began to Bat 450 and Field 998. + +After the dusty Workmen had manufactured the Product, and the Salesmen +had unloaded it, and the Collectors had brought in the Dinero, then +Elam had to sit at a Mahogany Desk with a Picture of Claudine in front +of him, and figure how much of the hard-earned Mazuma would be doled +out to his greedy Employees. + +Sometimes he would be compelled to fork over nearly half the Gross, +whereupon his Heart would ache and he would become Morose. + +In a few Years he had a lot of new Buildings, with Skylights and +improved Machinery and all sorts of humane Appliances to enable the +Working Force to increase the Output. + +As the Bank Account expanded and the Happy Couple found themselves +going up, Claudine began to scan the Horizon and act restless-like. +She said the Home Town was Impossible. It certainly did seem Contrary +to Reason. + +Any Woman with a salaried Husband could bust into Society if she sang +in a Choir or owned an Ice-cream Freezer. + +Claudine was for migrating to some high-toned Community beyond the +Rising Sun, where she could sit in Marble Halls and compare Jewelry +with proud Duennas of her own Station. + +Seeing Claudine at the corner of 8th and Central, waiting for the Open +Car, one would not have suspected that she harbored Intentions on the +Court Circles of Europe. + +One would merely have guessed that she was on her way to the Drug Store +to purchase much Camphor. + +But she had taken a peek at the Palm Rooms and the powdered Lackeys and +the Tea Riot at the Plaza, and she was panting inwardly. + +She wanted to hang a silver Bell around her neck and go galloping with +the white-faced Thoroughbreds. + +It was no good trying to work up Speed on a half-mile track in the +Prairie Loam. + +Once in a while Claudine made a bold Sashay to start something +devilish, but the Fillies trained on the Farm did not seem gaited for +the Grand Circuit. + +As for the Servant Problem, it was something ferocious. City Help +could not be lured to the Tall Grass, and all the Locals had been +schooled at the Railway Eating-House. + +Elam and Claudine had a Cook named Gusta, born somewhere near the +Arctic Circle in Europe. + +Her fried Chicken drowned in thick Gravy came under the head of Regular +Food. + +She could turn out Waffles as long as there was a Customer in sight. +The Biscuits on which she specialized were light as Down. + +The Things she fixed to Eat were Fine and Dandy but she never had heard +of a Cuisine. + +When you took her away from regular Chow and made her tackle something +Casserole or En Tasse, she blew. + +Also there was a Maid who should have belonged to the Stevedore's Union. +She could pack Victuals in from the Buttery and slam them down on the +Table, a la Commercial Hotel, but when it came to building up an +intricate Design with an ingrowing Napkin, three spoons, four Knives, +five forks, and all the long-stemmed Glasses, to say nothing of an +artful pyramiding of Cut Flowers around the Candelabra, then she was +simply a female Blacksmith. + +Claudine would throw a Dinner once in a while, just to subdue the Wife +and Daughter of the National Bank, but the Crew would nearly always +crab the Entertainment. + +With the Support accorded by the solid ivory Staff, she had a fat +Chance to give a correct imitation of Mrs. Stuyvesant Fish. + +All during the nine Courses she had to yelp more Orders than the +Foreman of a Street Gang. A Megaphone would have helped some. +The Hostess who wishes to look and carry on like a Duchess, certainly +finds it vexing when pop-eyed Lizzie leans against all of the principal +Guests in turn and then endeavors to shoot the Episcopalian Rector in +the Neck with a gush of real Champagne. + +After one of these sad Affairs, at which the Rummies had balled up the +whole Menu, Claudine came to the front with an Ultimatum. She said she +was going to can the awful Birthplace and spend the remainder of her +Natural among the real Rowdy-Dows. + +"Right-o, Babe!" spoke up Elam. "To-day I have put the Works into a +new Combine which makes me a Janitor so far as the Plant is concerned, +but boosts me into the Charley Schwab division when it comes to +Collateral. I have three million Iron Boys and most of it is Turkey. +I am foot-loose and free as a Robin. Let us beat it to the Big Show. +It is about time that the vast Territory lying toward the East should +be aroused from its Lethargy. Go as far as you like." + +The two were foxy. For monetary and real-estate Reasons they did not +give it out cold that they were making a final Getaway. They planned +to have Gusta remain at the dear old Dump as a Caretaker, but it was +merely a Bluff. + +When the Town Hack followed a Wagon-Load of Trunks to the Depot, +Claudine leaned out and said: "Fare thee well, O you Indian Village! +This is the Parting of the Ways for little Sunshine." + +Next we see them in the gaudy Diner, eating Sweetbreads. + +Next day thousands of warm-hearted New Yorkers were packed along the +Water front all the Way from the Battery to Grant's Tomb, giving royal +Welcome to the Corn-fed Pilgrims. At any rate, they were Packed. + +When Elam and Claudine entered the Hotel, the discerning Bell-hops had +them stand back until the others had registered. + +They were Important but they did not carry any Signs. + +Elam should have worn the Letter of Credit on the outside. + +After they had taken the Imperial Suite and invited all the Servants on +the Twelfth Floor to a Silver Shower, they found that the Call-Bells +worked fine. If Elam moved in the general direction of a Button, a +handsome West Pointer would flit in with a pitcher of Iced Water and +then hover around for his Bit. + +Both realized that the first requisite was a lot of new Scenery. +Even when they rapped sharply with a Spoon and ordered Garcon to hurry +up the Little Birds with a Flagon of St. Regis Bubbles to come along as +a drench, they realized that they did not look the Parts. + +Elam still combed his Hair in the style approved by the "Barbers' Guide +and Manual" for 1887. + +Claudine was fully clothed as far up as her Neck and didn't have the +Nerve to hoist the Lorgnette. + +Elam went out and had himself draped by a swagger Tailor who was said +to do a lot of Work for the Vanderbilt Boys. + +In his Afternoon Wear he resembled the Manager of a Black-Goods +Department. + +After donning the complete Soup and Fish, known in swozzey circles as +Thirteen and the Odd, he didn't look as much like a Waiter as one might +have supposed. He looked more like the 'Bus who takes away the Dishes. + +Claudine yielded herself up to a Modiste. The Good Woman from out of +Town was a trifle Long in the Tooth at this stage of our Narrative, +but Mme. Bunk convinced her that she was about half way between the +Trundle Bed and her First Party. + +She ordered all the Chic Novelties recommended for Flappers, so that +Elam began to walk about ten feet behind her, wondering vaguely if his +family was still respectable. + +The new Harness and a careless habit of counting Money in Public soon +gave them an enviable Reputation in the principal Cafes, although they +could not observe that they were moving any nearer to the Newport +Colony. + +The shift from Pig's Knuckles to Ambrosia and Nectar had been a little +sudden for Elam, and sometimes, when they were darting hither and +thither, from Road-House to Play-House and thence to the Louis XIV +Sitting-Room by way of the Tango-Joint, he would moan a little and act +like a Quitter. + +Whereupon Claudine would jack him up and tell him to pull out his Cuffs +and push back the Forelock and try to be Human. + +No use. He was strictly Ritz-Carlton from the Pumps to the Topper, but +the word "Boob" was plainly stenciled on the glossy Front. + +When they had conquered all the Eating-Places in the Tenderloin they +moved on to Europe, where they were just as welcome as Influenza. + +It was great to sit in the Savoy at the Supper Hour, surrounded by the +best known people mentioned in the Court Circulars. + +It was indeed a privilege for Elam and Claudine to be among the British +Cousins, even if the British Cousins did not seem to place Elam and +Claudine. + +Looking in any direction they could see naught but frosty and +forbidding Shoulder Blades. + +After partaking of their Sole and Grouse and winning a pleasant "Good- +Night" from the Chevalier in the Check-Room, they would escape to their +Apartments and talk to the Dog. + +In Paris they did better. + +They learned that by going out on the Boulevard and whistling, they +could summon a whole Regiment of high-born and patrician Down-and-Outers. +Most of the Titles were slightly worm-eaten and spotted with Scale, +but nevertheless Genuine. + +It was Nuts for Claudine to assemble all of the Noblemen to be picked +up around the Lobby and give them a free run and jump at the Carte du +Jour. + +Her Dinners soon became the talk of the Chambermaids employed at the +Hotel. + +Any one willing to cut loose on Caviar and stuff raised under Glass +will never have to dine alone in gay Paree. + +Whenever Elam made a noise like 1000 Frogs he found a lot of well-bred +Connoisseurs at his Elbow, all ready to have something unusual brought +up from the Cellar. + +The securing of an Invitation to one of Claudine's formal Dinners was +almost as difficult as getting into Luna Park. + +However, the list of guests sounded Real when sent back to America and +printed for the entertainment of persons living in Boarding-Houses. +Claudine became slightly puffed. When she found herself between a +couple of perfumed Lads wearing Medals she would give Friend Husband +the Office to move to one side and curl up in the Grass and not ruin +the Ensemble by butting in. + +Elam was usually at the foot of the Table behind a mass of Orchids. +Once in a while he would try to crowd into the Conversation just to let +them know that old Ready Money was still present, but every time he +came up Dearie would do her blamedest to Bean him and put him out of +the Game. + +Claudine could make a stab at the new Pictures in the Salon and even +run nimbly around the edge of the Futurist vogue. + +Elam was ready to discuss Steamship Lines or Railway Accommodations, +but when he was put against the Tall Brows he began to burn low and +smell of the Wick. + +Often, when surfeited with Truffles, he would wonder what had become of +the Green Corn, the K. and K., the regular Chicken with Giblets, the +Hot Cherry Pie, the smoking Oyster Stew, and the Smearcase with Chives, +such as Gusta used to send in. + +These reminders of a lowly Past were very distasteful to Claudine. +Once he talked in his Sleep about Cod-fish Balls, and next morning she +lit on him something ramfugious. + +After the Parisian triumphs it seemed a safe bet to return home and +make a new effort to mingle with the Face-Cards. + +This time they took a House in New York and went after Grand Opera as +if they knew what it was about. + +The Son of an earl consented to Buttle for them. He refused them +Butter with their Meals and kept them trembling most of the time, but +they determined to do things Right, even if both died of Nervous +Prostration. + +When they began making real Headway and were recognized in the Park by +some of the Headliners, Claudine would chide Elam for his early Doubts +and Fears. + +"This has got the Middle West skinned forty ways from the Jack," she +would exclaim, gayly, as they motored up the Avenue. "Me for the White +Lights! It's a good thing you had a Pacemaker or you would now be +wearing detachable Cuffs and putting Sugar on your Lettuce." + +Two years had elapsed since the escape from being Buried Alive. +They were, to all outward appearances, City-broke. + +One day Claudine allowed that she was tired of Bridge and the gay +Routine. She announced that she was slipping away to Virginia Hot +Springs to cool off and rest. + +Elam said that while she was lying up, he would inspect certain Mining +Properties in Canada. + +He drove Honey to the train, then he tore back to the palatial Home, +chucked a few Props into a Suit Case and headed for the Grand Central. +He never stopped going until he ducked in the Back Way, through the +Grape Arbor, past the Woodshed, into the Kitchen of the old Homestead +in which he first saw the Light of Day. + +Gusta nearly keeled when she lamped the long-lost Boss. + +"Get busy," he said. "One fried Steak, the size of a Lap-Robe, +smothered with Onions, two dozen Biscuits without any Armor Plate, one +bushel of home-made Pork and Beans, much Butter, and a Gallon of Coffee +in a Tureen." + +"You will have to wait a while," said the faithful Gusta. "There is a +double order of Ham and Turnips ahead of you. While you are waiting +you might go up and call on the Missus. She has put on her old Blue +Wrapper and the Yarn Slippers and is now lying on a Feather Tick in the +Spare Room." + +MORAL: The only City People are those born so. + + +THE NEW FABLE OF THE MARATHON IN THE MUD AND THE LAUREL WREATH + +A Stub-Nosed Primary Pupil, richly endowed with old-gold Freckles, +lived in a one-cylinder Town, far from the corroding influences of the +Stock Exchange. + +He arrived during the age of Board Sidewalks, Congress Gaiters, and Pie +for Breakfast. + +The Paper Collar, unmindful of the approaching Celluloid, was still +affected by the more tony Dressers. Prison-made Bow Ties, with the +handy elastic Fastener, were then considered right Natty. + +Limousines, Eugenics, Appendicitis, and the regulation of Combines were +beyond the rise of the Hill, so the talk was mostly about the Weather +and Married Women. + +The baptismal Cognomen of the mottled Offspring was Alexander Campbell +Purvis, but on account of his sunny Disposition he was known to the +Countryside as Aleck. + +One morning the Lad did his crawl from under the Quilt at an hour when +our Best People of the new Century are sending away the empty Siphons. +He was acting on a Hunch. + +The far-famed Yankee Robinson show, with the Trick Mule and the smiling +Tumblers, had exhibited the day before on the vacant Lot between the +Grist-Mill and the Parsonage. + +Aleck was familiar with the juvenile Tradition that Treasure could be +discovered at or near the trampled Spot on which the Ticket-Wagon had +been anchored. + +It was known that the agitated Yahoos from up in Catfish Country were +likely to fumble and spill their saved-up Currency, thereby avoiding +the trouble of handing it over to the Grafters later on. + +Aleck was the first Prospector to show. He got busy and uncovered a +Silver Buck. + +It looked about the size of a Ferris Wheel. + +While beating it for the parental Roof he began laying out in his Mind +all the Pleasures of the Flesh that he could command with the Mass of +Lucre. + +The miscue he made was to flash his Fortune in the Family Circle. +After breakfast he found himself being steered to the Farmers & +Merchants' Bank. + +He was pried away from the Cart-Wheel and given a teeny little Book +which showed that he was a Depositor. + +"Now, Alexander C.," said his Ma, "if you will shin up the ladder and +pick Cherries every day this week at two cents per Quart, by nightfall +of Saturday you will have another Case-Note to put into Cold Storage." + +"But, if I continue dropping the proceeds of my Labor into the +Reservoir, what is there in it for me?" asked the inquisitive Chick. + +His mother replied, "Why, you will have the Gratification of moving up +to the Window at the Bank and earning a Smile of Approbation from old +Mr. Fishberry with the Throat Whiskers." + +So the aspiring Manikin clung to the perilous Tree-Tops day after day, +dropping the ruby Cherries into the suspended Bucket, while all of the +Relatives stood on the ground and applauded. + +One day there was a Conference and it was discovered that little Aleck +was solvent to the extent of $2.80. + +"Would it not be Rayzorius?" queried the Sire of Alexander; "would it +not be Ipskalene if Aleck kept on and on until he had assembled five +whole Dollars?" + +Thus spurred to Endeavor by a large and rooting Gallery, the Urchin +went prowling for Old Iron, which he trundled off to the Junkman. + +Also for empty Bottles, which he laboriously scoured and delivered at +the Drug Store for a mere dribble of Chicken Feed. + +The sheet of Copper brought a tidy Sum, while old Mrs. Arbuckle +wondered what had become of her Wash-Boiler. + +With a V to his Credit, Aleck put a Padlock on every Pocket in his +Store Suit and went Money-Mad. + +He acquired a Runt and swilled it with solicitude until the Butcher +made him an offer. + +It was a proud Moment when he eased in the $7.60 to T. W. Fishberry, +who told him to keep on scrounging and some day he would own a share +in the Building & Loan. + +Our Hero fooled away his time in School until he was all of eleven +years old, when he became associated with one Blodgett in the Grocery +Business, at a weekly Insult of Two Bones. + +All the time Aleck was cleaning the Coal-Oil Lamps or watching the New +Orleans Syrup trickle into the Jug, he was figuring how much of the +Stipend he could segregate and isolate and set aside for the venerable +Mr. Fishberry, the Taker-In up at the Bank with the Chinchilla on the +Larynx. + +For ten long years the White Slave tested Eggs and scooped the C Sugar. +When Aleck became of Age, Mr. Blodgett was compelling him to take $30 +the first of every month. + +He lived on Snowballs in the Winter and Dandelions in the Summer, but +he had paid $800 on a two-story Brick facing Railroad Street. + +His name was a Byword and Hissing among the Pool-Players. + +Nevertheless, he stood Ace High with the old Two-per-cent-a-Month up at +the Abattoir known as the Farmers & Merchants' Bank. + +The Boys who dropped in every thirty Days came to know him as a Wise +Fish and a Close Buyer. They boosted at Headquarters, so the first +thing you know Aleck was a Drummer, with two Grips bigger than Dog- +Houses and a chance to swing on the Expense Account. + +A lowly and unsung Wanamaker would be sitting in his Prunery, wearing +Yarn Wristlets to keep warm and meditating another Attack on the Bottle +of Stomach Bitters in the Safe, when Aleck would breeze in and light on +him and sell him several Gross of something he didn't need. + +The Traveling Salesman dug up many a Cross-Roads overlooked by the Map- +Makers. + +He knew how to pin a Rube against the Wall and make him say "Yes." + +He rode in Cabooses, fought the Roller-Towels, endured the Taunts of +Ess, Bess, and Tess who shot the Sody Biscuit, and reclined in the +Chamber of Horrors, entirely surrounded by Wall-Paper, but what cared +he? + +He was salting the Spon. + +He was closing in on the Needful. + +For a term of years he lived on Time-Tables and slept sitting up. + +Day after day he dog-trotted through a feverish Routine of unpacking +and packing, and then climbing back to the superheated Day Coach among +the curdled Smells. + +Every January 1st he did a Gaspard Chuckle when he checked up the total +Get, for now he owned two Brick Buildings and had tasted a little Blood +in the way of Chattel Mortgages. + +One of the partners in the Jobbing Concern happened to die. Before +Rigor Mortis could set in or the Undertaker had time to flash a Tape +Measure, Aleck was up at the grief-stricken Home to cop out an Option +on the Interest. + +Now he could give the Cackle to all the Knights of the Road who had +blown their Substance along the gay White Ways of Crawfordsville, +Bucyrus, and Sedalia. + +He was the real Gazook with a Glass Cage, a sliding Desk and a whole +Battery of Rubber Stamps. + +In order to learn every Kink of the Game, freeze out the other Holders +of Stock and gradually possess himself of all the Money in the World, +Aleck now found it necessary to organize himself into both a Day and a +Night Shift and have his Lunches brought in. + +The various Smoothenheimers who were out on the Road had a proud chance +to get by with the padded Expense Account. Aleck could smell a Phoney +before he opened the Envelope, because that is how he got His. + +With a three-ton Burden on his aching Shoulders, he staggered up the +flinty Incline. + +Away back yonder, while sleeping above the Store, a vision had come to +him. He saw himself sitting as a Director at a Bank Meeting--an +enlarged and glorified Fishberry. + +Now he was playing Fox and pulling for the Dream to work out. + +The cold-eyed Custodians up at the main Fortress of Credit began to +take notice of the Rustler. + +He was a Glutton for Punishment, a Discounter from away back, and a +Demon for applying the Acid Test to every Account. + +He was a Sure-Thinger, air-tight and playing naught but Cinches. No +wonder they all took a slant at him and spotted him as a Comer. + +The Business Associates of Alexander liked to see Europe from the +inside every summer and investigate the Cocktail Crop of Florida every +winter, so they allowed him to be the Works. + +He began building the Skids which finally carried them to the Fresh Air +and left only one name on the Gold Sign. + +Up to his Chin in Debt and with a Panic looming on the Horizon, it +behooved Alexander to be on the job at 7:30 A. M. and hang around to +scan the Pay-Roll until 9:30 P. M. + +Ofttimes while galloping from his Apartment to the Galleys or chasing +homeward to grab off a few wasteful hours of Slumber, he would see +People of the Lower Classes going out to the Parks with Picnic Baskets, +or lined up at the Vaudeville Palaces, or watching a hard-faced +Soubrette demonstrate something in a Show Window. + +It got him to think Dubs could frivol around and waste the golden +Moments when they might be hopping on to a Ten-Cent Piece. + +His usual Gait was that of a man going for the Doctor, and he talked +Numbers to himself as he sped along and mumbled over the important +Letters he was about to dictate. + +Those who were pushed out of his way would overhear a scrap or two of +the Raving and think he was Balmy. + +The answer is that every hard-working Business Guy acts as if he had +Screech-Owls in the Tower. + +Aleck had his whole Staff so buffaloed that the Hirelings tried to keep +up with him, so that Life in the Beehive was just one thing after +another, with no Intermission. + +The Whip cracked every five minutes, and the Help would dig in their +toes and take a fresh lean-up against the Collars, for the Main Squeeze +was trying to be a Bank Director, and Rockefeller had stolen a long +start on him. + +With a thousand important Details claiming his attention, Aleck had no +time to monkey with side issues such as the general State of his Health +or the multifarious plans for uplifting the Flat-Heads that he could +see from his Window. + +Those who recommended Golf to him seemed to forget that no one ever +laid by anything while on the Links. + +As for the Plain People, his only Conviction when he surveyed them in +the Mass was that every Man-Jack was holding back Money that rightfully +belonged to him (Alexander). + +Needless to say, the battling Financier was made welcome at the +Director's Table and handed a piece of a Trust Company and became an +honored Guest when any Melon was to be sliced. + +All that he dreamt while sleeping in the cold room over the Store had +eventuated for fair. + +The more Irons in the Fire, the more flip-flops he turned. + +He never paused, except to weep over the fact that some of the rival +Procurers were getting more than he could show. It was an unjust World. +Brushing away the salty Tears, he would leap seven feet into the Air +and spear a passing Dollar. + +By the time he had the Million necessary for the support of a suitable +and well-recommended Lady, he was too busy to go chasing and too foxy +to split his Pile with a rank Outsider. + +His Motor-Car squawked at the Sparrow Cops when they waved their Arms. + +The engineer who pulled the Private Car always had his Orders to hit it +up. + +Sometimes the Private Secretary would drop out from Exhaustion, but the +Human Dynamo never slowed up. He would shout his General Orders into +the Cylinder of a Talking Machine. + +He reposed at Night with a Ticker on his Bosom and a Receiver at his +Ear. + +When he finally flew the Track and blew out the Carburetor, they had +to use a Net to get him under Control so that he could be carted away +to the Hospital. + +Then the Trained Nurse had to practice all the Trick Holds known to +Frank Gotch to keep him from arising to resume the grim Battle against +his Enemies on the Board. + +He fluttered long before calming down, but finally they got him all +spread out and as nice a Patient as one could wish to see. + +When he was too weak to start anything, Doc sat down and cheered him +along by telling what Precautions should have been taken, along about +1880. + +"And now, I have some News for you," said the Practitioner, holding in +his Grief so well that no one could notice it. "You are going away +from here. Owing to the total absence of many Organs commonly regarded +as essential, it will be impossible for you to go back to the Desk and +duplicate any of your notable Stunts. No doubt we shall be able to +engage Six Men of Presentable Appearance to act as Pall-Bearers. It +is our purpose to proceed to the Cemetery by Automobile so as not to +impede Traffic on any of the Surface Lines in which you are so heavily +interested. I congratulate you on getting so far along before being +tripped up, and I am wondering if you have a Final Request to make." + +"Just one," replied the Great Man, "I'd like to have you or somebody +else tell me what it's all been about." + +The only remaining Fact to be chronicled is that the original Dollar, +picked up on the Circus Lot, was found among the Effects. + +A Nephew, whom Alexander Campbell Purvis never had seen, took the +Dollar and with it purchased two Packs of Egyptian Cigaroots, Regal +size, with Gold Tips. + +MORAL: A pinch of Change, carefully put by, always comes in handy. + + +THE END + + +[Colophon] +THE COUNTRY LIFE PRESS +GARDEN CITY, N. Y. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Ade's Fables, by George Ade + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ADE'S FABLES *** + +***** This file should be named 19813.txt or 19813.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/8/1/19813/ + +Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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