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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/19509-h.zip b/19509-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f8186b --- /dev/null +++ b/19509-h.zip diff --git a/19509-h/19509-h.htm b/19509-h/19509-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..34de02b --- /dev/null +++ b/19509-h/19509-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,5811 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1"> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Opinions of a Philosopher, by Robert Grant</title> +<style type="text/css"> +BODY { color: Black; + background: White; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-size: medium; + font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; + text-align: justify } + +P {text-indent: 4% } + +P.noindent {text-indent: 0% } + +P.poem {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 10%; + font-size: small } + +P.letter {font-size: small ; + margin-left: 15% ; + margin-right: 15% } + +p.dedication {text-indent: 0%; + margin-left: 15%; + text-align: justify } + +P.published {font-size: small ; + text-indent: 0% ; + margin-left: 15% } + +p.finis { text-align: center } + + hr.full { width: 100%; + height: 5px; } + a:link { color:blue; + text-decoration:none; } + link { color:blue; + text-decoration:none; } + a:visited { color:blue; + text-decoration:none; } + a:hover { color:red; + text-decoration: underline; } + pre { font-size: 75%; } + +</style> +</head> +<body> +<h1 align="center">The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Opinions of a Philosopher, by Robert +Grant, Illustrated by W. H. Hyde</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: The Opinions of a Philosopher</p> +<p>Author: Robert Grant</p> +<p>Release Date: October 9, 2006 [eBook #19509]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE OPINIONS OF A PHILOSOPHER***</p> +<br><br><center><h3>E-text prepared by Al Haines</h3></center><br><br> +<hr class="full" noshade> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<A NAME="img-front"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-front.jpg" ALT="Etching by W. H. Hyde" BORDER="2" WIDTH="459" HEIGHT="303"> +<H3> +[Frontispiece: Etching by W. H. Hyde] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<BR><BR> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +THE OPINIONS OF A PHILOSOPHER. +</H1> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +BY +</H3> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +ROBERT GRANT +</H2> + +<BR><BR> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +WITH AN ETCHING BY W. H. HYDE +</H4> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +NEW YORK +<BR> +CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS +<BR> +1895 +</H4> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H5 ALIGN="center"> +COPYRIGHT, 1893, 1895, BY +<BR> +CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS +</H5> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +CONTENTS +</H2> + +<BR> + +<TABLE WIDTH="100%"> +<TR ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap01">CHAPTER I</A> +</TD> + +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap02">CHAPTER II</A> +</TD> + +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap03">CHAPTER III</A> +</TD> + +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap04">CHAPTER IV</A> +</TD> + +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap05">CHAPTER V</A> +</TD> +</TR> + +<TR ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap06">CHAPTER VI</A> +</TD> + +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap07">CHAPTER VII</A> +</TD> + +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap08">CHAPTER VIII</A> +</TD> + +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap09">CHAPTER IX</A> +</TD> + +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top"> +<A HREF="#chap10">CHAPTER X</A> +</TD> +</TR> + +</TABLE> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap01"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +THE OPINIONS OF A PHILOSOPHER +</H3> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +I +</H3> + +<P> +My wife Josephine declares that I have become a philosopher in my old +age, and perhaps she is right. Now that I am forty, and a trifle less +elastic in my movements, with patches of gray about my ears which give me +a more venerable appearance, I certainly have a tendency to look at the +world as through a glass. Yet not altogether darkly be it said. That +is, I trust I am no cynic like that fellow Diogenes who set the fashion +centuries ago of turning up the nose at everything. I have a natural +sunniness of disposition which would, I believe, be proof against the +sardonic fumes of contemplation even though I were a real philosopher. +</P> + +<P> +However, just as the mongoose of the bag-man's story was not a real +mongoose, neither am I a real philosopher. +</P> + +<P> +You will remember that Diogenes, who was a real philosopher, occupied a +tub as a permanent residence. He would roll in hot sand during the heat +of summer, and embrace a statue of snow in winter, just to show his +superiority to ordinary human conventions and how much wiser he was than +the rest of the world. The real philosophers of the present day are not +quite so peculiar; but they are apt to be fearfully and wonderfully +superior to the weaknesses of humanity. For the most part they are to be +found in the peaceful environs of a university or on some mountain top a +Sabbath day's journey from the hum of civilization, where they eschew +nearly everything which the every-day mortal finds requisite to comfort +and convenience, unless it be whiskey and water. I have sometimes +fancied that more real philosophers than we are aware of are partial on +the sly to whiskey and water. But that is neither here nor there; for, +as I have already stated, I am not a real philosopher. +</P> + +<P> +I have altogether too many faults to be one, and should constantly be +flying in the face of my own theories. Barring the aforesaid weakness +for whiskey and water, it is fair to assume that the average real +philosopher lives up to his own lights and by them; whereas I, at least +according to Josephine, am liable to be frightfully inconsistent. She +has never forgotten my profanity on the occasion when we discovered after +dinner that the soot had come down in the drawing-room and was over +everything in spite of the fact that the chimney had been swept three +weeks before. Now, if there is one thing which I abhor and am +perpetually inveighing against as vulgar and futile, it is unbridled +language. Josephine must have heard me say fifty times if she has heard +me one that the man who fouls his tongue with an oath is a senseless oaf. +And yet I am bound to admit that when I discovered what had happened I +swore deliberately and roundly like the veriest trooper. In order to +appreciate the situation exactly I should add that it has long been a +mooted point between Josephine and me whether chimneys require to be +swept at all. My darling insists that the sweep shall overhaul the house +annually, while I cling, with what she is pleased to call masculine +fatuity, to the theory that soot, like sleeping dogs, should be let alone. +</P> + +<P> +Have you ever entered a drawing-room just after a healthy, thorough fall +of soot? If so, you will appreciate what is meant by its +all-pervasiveness. The remotest articles of furniture are rife with +infinitesimal smut, much as they were rife with the remains of the lady +in Kipling's story after the jealous orang-outang had done with her. And +yet granting that the provocation was dire, a philosopher, a real +philosopher, would have acted very differently. A philosopher of the +grandest type would have reasoned that what was done was done, and that +there was no more use in crying over fallen soot than over spilt milk. +He would calmly have adopted prompt measures to ameliorate the situation, +and after the servants were fairly at work would have taken his wife +apart and pointed out to her, in well-chosen language, that here was only +another instance of his superior wisdom. One of a more virulent type, +but still a philosopher, might have indulged in mirth—quiet sarcastic +mirth. No person of a truly philosophic cast of mind and with a rooted +antipathy to damning would have sworn lustily as I did. +</P> + +<P> +I remember taking little Fred, my namesake and eldest son, to skate with +me one winter's afternoon on a suburban pond. He did famously for a +tyro, but we both wearied at last of his everlasting strife to maintain +the perpendicular, and I was conscious of a rush of joy when he became +completely absorbed in watching a man who was fishing for pickerel. Have +you ever fished for pickerel through a hole in the ice? If so you will +recall that it is chilly and rather dispiriting work, especially if the +fish are shy. They certainly were shy that afternoon, for the individual +in question had angled long and bagged nothing, as I gleaned from the +answers to the direct interrogatories put by my urchin during the few +minutes I stood paternally by and watched the proceedings. +</P> + +<P> +"Caught anything?" +</P> + +<P> +"Nop." +</P> + +<P> +"Had a bite?" +</P> + +<P> +"Nop." +</P> + +<P> +"How long you been fishing?" +</P> + +<P> +"An hour." +</P> + +<P> +As I glided away light-heartedly on the delicious curves of the outer +edge, I reflected that he was evidently a persevering pot-hunter who +would not be easily discouraged, and that I could count upon his +engrossing the attention of my offspring for a considerable period. +Accordingly, I was surprised some five minutes later to observe the +fisherman (who wore no skates) shambling across the pond toward the +shore. Glancing from him to his late station I perceived a little group +of skaters gathered around my son and heir, who was dabbling with a stick +in the abandoned hole. They appeared to be diverted by something and one +of them, my friend Harry Bolles, who had his handkerchief up to his +mouth, made a bee-line to meet me. From his lips I learned what had +happened, which was this wise: The horny-handed pot-hunter, having +presently pulled a solitary pickerel out upon the ice and freed it from +his hook, turned aside to cut another piece of bait; whereupon my hopeful +picked up the fish and popped it back into its native element without so +much as a syllable of commentary; and thereupon (being act three in the +tragedy) he of the horny hand, having realized the situation in its +terrible entirety, pulled up his line, shovelled back the particles of +ice into the hole and betook himself upon his shambling way without one +word. Not a word, mark you. There was a real philosopher, if you like, +a thorough-going, square-trotting philosopher. The only alternative was +child-murder or silence, and my pot-hunter chose the simplest form of the +dilemma. "I thought the fish would like it," said little Fred, when +interrogated upon the subject. +</P> + +<P> +And yet, despite my occasional inability to practice what I preach, +Josephine is correct in her diagnosis that my cast of mind is becoming +more philosophic as the years roll on. The consciousness that I am the +author of four children (two strapping sons and two tall daughters), +anyone of whom may constitute me a grandfather before I am fifty, renders +me conservative and disposed, metaphorically speaking, to draw in my +horns a little. I am beginning to go to church again, for instance. You +may have taken it for granted that I have been regular in my attendance +at the sanctuary. Certainly I have never been a scoffer; but, on the +other hand, I must confess that somehow it has come to pass since +Josephine and I plighted our troth that our pew has stood empty on the +Lord's day oftener than the orthodox consider fitting. And the worst of +it is I used to attend service about every other Sabbath before I became +a benedict, and Josephine taught a Sunday-school class up to within six +months of our wedding ceremony. She, dear girl, has harbored ever since +the belief that she continues to go to church almost every Sunday either +in the morning or the afternoon, a harmless delusion which for some time +I took no pains to dispel, knowing as I did that she meant to go every +Sunday. Yet I knew also that pitiless, unemotional statistics would +reveal an average attendance on her part of rather less than ten times in +the course of each year. I was brute enough finally to call attention to +a tally-sheet, covering a period of three calendar months, which I had +kept for my private edification, and I was punished by seeing her sweet +eyes fill with tears before she proceeded to plead to the indictment. +</P> + +<P> +"You know, Fred, perfectly well that I have to stay at home with the +children every other Sunday morning in order to allow Lucille to go to +church." +</P> + +<P> +"But how about the other mornings and all the afternoons?" I inquired, +with the effrontery of a hardened sinner seizing his opportunity to take +a saint to task. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine blushed, partly from guilt and partly from indignation. "It +rained torrents last Sunday morning, and Sunday morning fortnight—er—I +was sick. I remember that I was all dressed to go one afternoon when old +Mr. Philipps called and I didn't like to leave him. Besides, I feel as +though I ought to stay at home occasionally on Sunday afternoons in order +to teach the children the Scriptures. The Sunday morning before +that—er—I went. No, it must have been a fortnight previous, for I +recollect now that I had planned to go, when you said that you hated to +skate alone and declined to take the entire responsibility of the +children on the pond on account of little Fred and the pickerel." +</P> + +<P> +"And I said, too, I remember, that in all probability there wouldn't be +black ice again all winter." +</P> + +<P> +"You did, you did," my darling cried, with tragic impetuosity, "and it is +cruel of you to remind me of it." +</P> + +<P> +"Moreover, it was a correct prophecy. It snowed that very night and the +people who waited until Monday were nowhere." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Fred, Fred, I'm a wicked woman. You're the last person in the world +who ought to tax me with it, but it is true. I don't go to church as I +ought. And yet I do mean to go. But if it isn't one thing which +prevents, it's another. Lucille must have every other Sunday morning, +and you seem so disappointed if I refuse to go skating or canoeing with +you and the children on the fine days that I foolishly yield." +</P> + +<P> +"And you the daughter of a deacon," I continued, unsparingly. Let me +state by way of explanation that Josephine's late father was for many +years one of the pillars of the religious society to which he belonged. +</P> + +<P> +"I know, I know. It is shameful. I—we are little better than heathens, +Fred. Only think of it, four times in three months!" she added, glancing +at the tell-tale sheet. "And I brought up to go regularly both morning +and afternoon in addition to Sunday-school! I am a heathen; and as for +you, I don't know what to call you!" she exclaimed, with a sad, +reproachful smile. +</P> + +<P> +So long as Josephine was content to berate herself without including me +in her anathemas, I had been ready to acquiesce in what she said, but now +that she seemed disposed to drag me into the conversation I felt it +incumbent upon me to reply with dignity: +</P> + +<P> +"Will you please explain, my dear, why it is that, though I used to be a +regular worshipper before we became man and wife, I have almost entirely +ceased to attend church since that time? Who is responsible for the +change, I wonder." +</P> + +<P> +There is a point beyond which it is not safe to prod Josephine, and I +could see from the expression of her eye that we had reached it on this +occasion. She drew herself up and answered haughtily: +</P> + +<P> +"I have heard you make that insinuation several times before, Fred. It +is not merely silly, it is disgraceful. I keep you from church? Don't +you know," she exclaimed, with a quaver of emotion, "that your refusal to +go is a source of genuine grief to me, and that I just hate to go alone? +Don't you know that I should like nothing better than to go with you +every Sunday, and that I am ready to go to any church you will select?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," I answered, doggedly, "I am well aware that you would prefer to +have me become anything rather than remain—er—a steadfast worshipper of +nature." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine made a little gesture of impatience such as my well-born +apotheosis of nature is apt to evoke. For a few moments she looked as +though she were going to cry; then, with an almost passionate outburst, +she exclaimed: +</P> + +<P> +"You will promise me, Fred, won't you, that when the children are old +enough to understand what it means not to go to church you will go too?" +</P> + +<P> +Now, it may be that my response at the time to this pathetic appeal was +not altogether satisfactory to my darling; but she has forgotten her +fears and her tears to-day in the happy consciousness that as surely as +the bells begin to ring on Sunday morning I begin to brush my silk hat +with the feverish impatience of an abandoned church-goer. Punctuality, +which has always seemed to Josephine a pitiful sort of virtue, ranks in +my category of human conduct almost on a par with brotherly love, and I +am apt to make myself and her pretty miserable on each returning Sabbath +by my endeavors to get the family out of the house and into our pew on +time. It is only by bearing strictly in mind what day it is that I am +able to keep my lips from speaking guile when little Fred remembers at +the last moment that he has forgotten his pocket-handkerchief or +Josephine's glove bursts open in the process of being hastily rammed on +and I am compelled to wait while she sends upstairs for a fresh pair. +You should see how her nostrils swell with pride as we sweep by my old +pal, Nicholas Long, and his wife, who are manifestly not going to church. +I can discern on Nick's face, as we pass, an expression which is half +sardonic, half pitiful. Evidently he has not forgotten my quondam +oft-repeated vow that no child of mine should be taught the orthodox +fairy tales in unlearning which I had spent some of the best years of my +life. And now I am a recreant, and he who aided and abetted me in my +asseverations of independence remains faithful. Yes, but Nick, poor +fellow, has no children. His grin seems to say, "See what you are +missing, poor old patriarch; Dorothy and I are off for a ten-mile tramp +in the country." +</P> + +<P> +Yet, despite his apparent jubilation of spirit, I detect a longing +expression in Dorothy's eyes and I notice that she steals a second glance +over her tailor-made shoulder at little Winona, our youngest, who is an +uncommonly pretty child, if I do say it. +</P> + +<P> +"There go a light-hearted, honest couple with the courage of their +convictions," I remark to Josephine, tentatively. "Before the sermon has +begun they will be on the river and they will come home delightfully +tired just in time for dinner." +</P> + +<P> +"Light-hearted? I believe, Fred, that they are both perfectly +miserable," she exclaimed, with a sweeping glance of pride at her +progeny. "I was thinking just before you spoke how much I pitied that +woman." +</P> + +<P> +I can remember as if it were yesterday Nick Long telling me with bubbling +ecstasy, shortly after he was engaged, that his lady-love had a clear, +analytical mind, almost like a man's. "No nonsense about her," he said. +"She sees things just as they are." I rather got the impression at the +time that he intended thereby to insinuate gently but plainly that he was +a far luckier dog than I who had married a woman with a mind +conspicuously feminine. I should like very much to know whether, if +Dorothy were to be blessed with children after all, Nick would have to go +to church. +</P> + +<P> +Not only have I lost moral courage in the matter of some of my deepest +convictions, but I notice also with consternation that my physical +bravery is ebbing away as my years increase. I have drawn the line, for +example, squarely and tautly on burglars. One night not very long since +I was awakened by noise and, after listening, I came to the conclusion +that it proceeded from housebreakers. I slipped out of bed stealthily +and put my ear to the bolted chamber door in order to confirm my +conviction. My movements aroused Josephine, who sat up in bed and asked +hoarsely what the matter was. I put my finger on my lips quite +irrelevantly, for it was pitch dark. +</P> + +<P> +"Fred, are there burglars in the house?" she gasped. +</P> + +<P> +"Sh! Yes." +</P> + +<P> +"What are you doing, Fred? Oh, you mus'n't go down and expose yourself +on any account." She was evidently very much agitated. "Promise me that +you will not." +</P> + +<P> +Having ascertained that the door was secure I walked across the room and +turned on the electric light. Josephine was sitting bolt upright, +quivering with excitement. Her eyes followed my every movement, as, +having slipped on my trousers and a pair of boots, I began to look around +me, tramping sturdily. +</P> + +<P> +"Fred, they'll hear you if you make such a noise," said my wife, in an +agonized whisper. +</P> + +<P> +"I fervently trust so," I retorted. "That's why I'm doing it." +</P> + +<P> +As I spoke my eye lit at last on something adapted to my purpose. I had +been trying to avoid the destruction of a wash basin, and I seized with +grateful eagerness the pair of Indian clubs which offered themselves and, +lifting them to the level of my brow, let them fall clamorously on the +floor. The welkin rang, so to speak, and I sank with nervous exhaustion +into an arm-chair. +</P> + +<P> +The house seemed deathly still and it struck me that Josephine on her +part was ominously quiet. When she spoke at last it was to ask: +</P> + +<P> +"Haven't you a pistol?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, dear." +</P> + +<P> +"Are you going to let them take everything?" +</P> + +<P> +"It is for them to decide, darling." +</P> + +<P> +"But, Fred——" Josephine did not finish her sentence. The words she +uttered were, however, so full of poignant surprise and disappointment +that I felt constrained to inquire with a guilty attempt at nonchalance: +</P> + +<P> +"Is there anything you would like to have me do?" +</P> + +<P> +"You are the best judge, of course," she answered, coldly. "Only, do you +think it is the usual way?" +</P> + +<P> +"The usual way?" I echoed. Among the few points in Josephine's character +which irritate me is her weakness for custom, and it is growing on her. +"No, I suppose that the correct social thing would have been to stand at +the head of the banisters in my nightgown with a lighted candle and make +a target of myself." +</P> + +<P> +"Why did you buy a pistol, then?" inquired my better half. +</P> + +<P> +"So that the children needn't shoot themselves with it after it was +locked up and the cartridges carefully hidden," I replied, with levity. +We were both so heated that we had practically forgotten that flat +burglary was supposed to be going on. +</P> + +<P> +"You didn't use to talk in that way," said Josephine, with slow +precision. "I only hope, Fred, for your sake that people won't hear +about this." +</P> + +<P> +"They will not, certainly, unless you tell them, Josephine." +</P> + +<P> +"Tell them? I wouldn't mention what has happened for the world," she +answered, looking at me with a sort of sorrowful disdain. Thus is it +that the ideals which women form concerning us are one by one shattered! +I am sure that Josephine would have been inconsolable had I fallen a +victim to the bullet of a house-breaker. You will recall that her first +impulse was to prevent me from exposing myself for the sake of the solid +silver service. She had taken it for granted that I would slip the bolt +and go part way down stairs, at least, pistol in hand, and she had wished +to caution me against undue rashness. Consequently, it was a rude blow +to her sensibilities to find that I was such a craven. She cared no more +for our apostle spoons and gold-lined vegetable dishes than I did; it was +the principle of the thing which distressed her. Why had I bought a +six-shooter shortly after our marriage except to be equipped for just +such an emergency? It did certainly seem that I was bound by all the +laws of custom to pop at least once over the banisters, even though I +took no aim and scurried back into my bedroom immediately after. That +would have satisfied her, she subsequently admitted to me; but to drop a +pair of Indian clubs on the floor in order to make a clatter could be +regarded as little less than pusillanimous, philosophy or no philosophy. +</P> + +<P> +We have talked it over many times since, and I have endeavored to make +plain to her that in the process of evolution thinking men have come to +the conclusion that the husband and father who chops logic at dead of +night with an accomplished burglar on the wrong side of his chamber door +is akin to a lunatic. She listens to my arguments attentively, and she +has done me the honor to admit that there is more to be said in my behalf +than she thought at first; but I remember that the last time we conversed +upon the subject she shook her head with the air of a woman who, in spite +of everything, is still of the same opinion, and she murmured gently: +</P> + +<P> +"As I told you before, Fred, if you had fired once over the banisters, I +would say nothing." +</P> + +<P> +"But I might have been killed or maimed for life as a consequence," I +blurted, feelingly. Josephine looked a little grave, as she is apt to do +at any suggestion of my sudden taking off, but with a sweet sigh she +answered, succinctly: +</P> + +<P> +"There are certain risks in this world that a man has to take." +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap02"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +II +</H3> + + +<P> +You may remember that I have four children; my namesake Fred, David, +who was christened in honor of his maternal grandfather, Josephine, or +Josie as we call her in order not to confound her with her mother, and +Winona, the baby of the family. We have lately moved into another +house. The old one would not hold us any longer. At least Josephine +declared that it would not shortly after the agents of the Board of +Health fumigated the establishment with sulphur to kill scarlet-fever +germs. She said it would be cheaper to move than to buy new +wall-papers and window-shades. When I asked how this could be she +waxed a little wroth at what she called my density, and asked if I did +not appreciate that we should have to move at any rate in a year or two +in order to provide the children with a bedroom apiece. The necessity +for this had not occurred to me, I must confess, and I was making bold +to inquire why the two boys could not continue to occupy one room and +their sisters another as in the past, when Josephine added, in an awful +whisper: +</P> + +<P> +"Besides, the house is overrun with cockroaches. Now mind, Fred," she +continued, with an imperative frown, "that is a matter which is not to +be repeated to anyone." +</P> + +<P> +"Why should I wish to repeat it?" I asked, meekly. +</P> + +<P> +"I never know beforehand what you will repeat and what you will not. I +should expect to hear from Jemima Bolles the next time we met that you +had confided it to her husband, and positively I don't care to have her +know. Then, too," Josephine continued, with the manner of one +selecting a few of many grievances to air, "I haven't an inch of +unoccupied closet room; and, moreover, you remember, Fred, that the +plumber said the last time he was here that by good rights the plumbing +ought all to be renewed." My wife dwelt on these concluding words with +insinuating emphasis. She knows that I am daft, as she calls it, on +two points, closing windows on the eve of a thunder-shower and +defective drainage. +</P> + +<P> +"He said that we could manage very well for some time longer without +the slightest real risk," I answered, doughtily. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine's lower lip trembled. Presently she burst out, as though she +had resolved to throw feline argument and sophistic persuasion to the +winds, "I am just tired of this house, Fred, and I should like to move +to-morrow. It is pitifully small and disgustingly dirty with dirt that +I can't get rid of, and everything about it is old as the hills. It +has never been the same place since that fall of soot. If I am obliged +to live in it I shall have to, but I am sure that a new, clean house +would add ten years to my life." +</P> + +<P> +"Jehosophat!" I added, startled by this appeal into borrowing the +latest expletive from the vocabulary of my eldest son, at which +Josephine bridled for an instant, thinking that she had detected +blasphemy. When it dawned upon her that the phrase in question was +only one of those hybrid, meaningless objurgations, the use of which +will scarcely justify a lecture, my darling gulped dismally and waited +for me to go on. +</P> + +<P> +I am inclined to think that a gradually evolved tendency of mine not to +go on when I am expected to was what first prompted my wife to dub me a +philosopher. She fancies, dear soul, that she is a loser by this +lately developed proclivity to seek refuge in silence on the occasions +when she or the children sweep down upon me with some hair-lifting +project which craves an immediate decision. But she is in error. It +is true there are times when the sweet onslaught of the sons and +daughters of my house and their mother has brought the old man to terms +on the spot, and wrung from him an immediate permission to do or to +spend; but, on the other hand, Josephine, who in spite of her cunning +is no philosopher, and her offspring little realize how often their +feelings have been saved from laceration by this trick of mine (she +calls it a trick) of saying nothing until I have had time for +reflection. No man is so wise as his wife and children combined, but +it takes him a little while to find it out; and I have discovered that +to chew a matter over and over is the surest way to avoid promulgating +a stern refusal. +</P> + +<P> +So it was in this instance. Had I uttered the words which rose to my +lips, I should have felt obliged to inform Josephine that, her +premature taking off to the contrary notwithstanding, to move into +another house was out of the question and totally unnecessary. How +could I afford to move? Why should we move? The dear old house where +we had passed so many joyous years and which Josephine used to say was +extraordinarily convenient! I remember that I became successively +irate, pathetic, and bumptious in my secret soul. I said to myself +stoutly that it was all nonsense, and that by means of a little fresh +paint and new coverings for the dining-room chairs, we should be happy +where we were for another five years. +</P> + +<P> +Cockroaches? Bah! Was there not insect powder? +</P> + +<P> +The married man who knows in his secret soul that he cannot afford to +move and who has made up his mind that nothing on earth shall induce +him to, is terribly morose for the first few weeks after his wife has +unbosomed herself upon the subject. He peruses with a savage frown the +real estate columns of the daily newspapers, while he mutters vicious +sentences such as, "I'll be blessed if I will!" or, "Not if I know +myself, and I think I do!" He observes moodily every house in process +of erection, and scrutinizes those "To Let" with an animosity not quite +consistent with his determination to put his foot down for once and +crush the whole project in the bud. Why is it that he slyly visits +after business hours the outlying section of the city, where the newest +and most desirable residences are offered at fashionable prices? Why +at odd moments does he make rows of figures on available scraps of +paper and on the blotter at his office, and abstractedly compute +interest on various sums at four and a half and five per cent.? Why? +Because the leaven of his wife's threat that her life will be shortened +is working in his bosom and he beholds her in his restless dreams +crushed to death beneath a myriad of waterbugs, all for the lack of an +inch of closet-room. Why? Because he is haunted perpetually by the +countenances of his daughters, on which he reads sorrowfully written +that they are wasting away for lack of the bedchamber apiece promised +them by their mother. Why? Because, in brief, he is a philosopher, +and recognizes that what is to be is to be, and that it is easier to +dam up the waters of the Nile with bulrushes (to adopt an elegant and +well-seasoned exemplar of impossibility) than to check the progress of +maternal pride. +</P> + +<P> +Some four months after Josephine's announcement that she would live ten +years longer elsewhere, I returned home one afternoon with what she +subsequently stigmatized as a sly expression about the corners of my +mouth. I doubt if I did look sly, for I pride myself on my ability to +control my features when it is necessary. However that may be, having +persuaded Josephine to take a walk, I conducted her to the door of a +newly finished house in the fashionable quarter. +</P> + +<P> +"It might be amusing to go in and look it over," I murmured. "I should +rather like to see the ramifications of a modern house." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine, albeit a little surprised, was enraptured. She promptly +took the lead and I tramped at her side religiously from cellar to +attic, while she peeped into all the closets and investigated the +laundry and kitchen accommodations and drew my attention to the fact +that the furnace and the ice-chest would be amply separated. +</P> + +<P> +"You know, Fred, that in our house they are side by side and we use a +scandalous amount of ice as a consequence," she said, hooking her arm +in mine lovingly. +</P> + +<P> +"The whole house strikes me as very well arranged," I retorted, in a +bluff tone, as much as to say that I saw through her blandishments. I +think she appreciated this. Nevertheless, a few minutes later when we +were on the dining-room story, she rubbed her head against my shoulder +and said, "Just see what a love of a pantry, Fred. Mine is a hole +compared to it. Servants in a house like this would never leave one. +And do look at this ceiling. It is simple, but divinely clean and +appropriate." +</P> + +<P> +"It is well enough," said I, coldly. +</P> + +<P> +After indulging in various other raptures, to which I seemed to turn a +deaf ear, and examining everything to her heart's discontent, Josephine +moved toward the front door with a sigh. Then it was that I remarked: +</P> + +<P> +"So the house suits you, my dear?" +</P> + +<P> +"It is ideal," she murmured, "simply ideal." +</P> + +<P> +"There are things about it which I don't fancy altogether," said I. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Fred, if we only had a house like it, I should be perfectly +satisfied." +</P> + +<P> +"Should you? It is yours," I answered. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't be unkind, Fred." +</P> + +<P> +"It is yours," I repeated, a little more explicitly. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine devoured me with inquiring eyes. As she gazed, the +expression of my countenance brought the blood to her cheeks and she +cried with the plaintiveness of a wounded animal, "What do you mean, +dear? It is cruel of you to make sport of me." +</P> + +<P> +"I am not making sport of you, Josephine. The house is yours—ours. I +bought it yesterday. Here is the deed, if you mistrust me," I +continued, solemnly drawing from my pocket the document in question. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine took it like one dazed. She looked from me to it and back +again from it to me, then with a joyous laugh she exclaimed, "Really? +It is really true? Oh, Fred, you are an angel!" +</P> + +<P> +"No, my dear," I answered, as she flung her arms about my neck—for she +does so still once in a while—"I am merely a philosopher who has +learned to recognize that what must be must be." +</P> + +<P> +My wife was too much absorbed in her own mysterious mental processes to +take note of or analyze this observation. For a few moments she was +lost in a brown study, and gazed about her with a glance that struck me +as somewhat critical. +</P> + +<P> +"You are an angel, Fred," she repeated, ruminantly. "You took me in +splendidly, didn't you? And to think of your doing it all by yourself!" +</P> + +<P> +She wandered back into the dining-room, and thence to the hall, where +she stood peering up the stairway at the skylight. "Yes," she +continued presently, in a judicial, contemplative tone, "I think it +will do very well on the whole. I am not perfectly sure that the +laundress will be satisfied with the arrangement of the laundry, and I +don't see exactly, Fred, what you are to do for a dressing-room, when +we have more than one visitor. I am out of conceit with the tinting of +the drawing-room ceiling, and—and several of the mantelpieces are +hideous. But, on the other hand, the dining-room is perfectly lovely, +there is no end of closet-room, and the kitchen is a gem. Oh, thank +you, Fred, thank you ever so much. I really never expected that we +could afford to leave the dear old house. It will almost break my +heart to leave it, too, although it is so dirty." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine's guns were spiked, as it were. Having declared that the +house was ideal, she was barred from utterly blasting it in the next +breath. To tell the truth, I felt as a consequence decidedly perky and +inclined to perform the double-shuffle or something of the sort quite +out of keeping with the traditional repose of a philosopher. It was so +obvious to me that I had escaped weeks, if not months, of misery by the +ruse which I had adopted that I was fain to dance with joy. Had I +allowed Josephine to pick out a house she would have felt obliged, even +though she was thoroughly satisfied with the first she saw, to inspect +from top to bottom every other in the market, for fear that she might +see something which pleased her better, and I should have been +compelled to accompany her. There are a few advantages after all in +being of a philosophic turn of mind. +</P> + +<P> +And here is another bit of philosophy for you which I am thoroughly +convinced is sound. A woman adroitly handled will permit her husband +to choose a new unfurnished house for her without serious demur. But +let the lord and master beware who takes it upon himself to do the +furnishing also stealthily and of his own accord. I will confess that +it did occur to me at first to put through the whole business at one +fell swoop—house, wall-papers, dados, chandeliers, carpets, and +curtains. I even went so far as to cross the street one day with the +intention of asking Poultney Briggs, who makes a business of letting +people know what they ought to like in the line of interior decoration, +to name his price to complete the job. But my courage failed me at the +last minute, for I had a presentiment that Josephine would be +disappointed if I did. You see I know her pretty well after all these +years. +</P> + +<P> +"I should never have forgiven you, Fred—never!" said my better-half, +emphatically, when I told her how near I had come to the crucial act. +"I should have hated everything. Besides, no one nowadays thinks +anything of Poultney Briggs as a decorator. He is terribly behind the +times." +</P> + +<P> +I accepted this reproof and the accompanying verdict with becoming +meekness. I remember that when we first went to house-keeping Poultney +Briggs was in the van of artistic progress, and that no one was to be +mentioned in the same breath with him; yet now, apparently, he was of +the sere-and-yellow-leaf order, professionally speaking. And I was old +fogy enough not to have been aware of it. Clearly, I was not fit to be +entrusted with the selection of even a door-mat, to say nothing of the +wall-papers and carpets. It was with a thankful heart over my +foresight that I relinquished to Josephine the whole task of +furnishing, with the sole reservation that I should have my say about +the wine-cellar. My only revenge, a miserable one forsooth, was that +she resembled a skeleton three months later; a pale, pitiful bag of +bones, though proud and radiant withal. Had it not been for that +prediction that her life was to be lengthened, I should have felt +anxious. What a marvellous creation a woman is, to be sure! Man and +philosopher as I am, my impulse would have been to consign the contents +of the garret to the auctioneer or the ash-man, and to retain most of +the least-used furniture and upholstery to eke out our new splendor. +But Josephine's method was distinctly opposite. She was critical of +nearly everything respectable-looking in the old house; on the other +hand, there was scarcely anything in the attic or lumber-room, where +our useless things were stored, which did not turn out to be a treasure +and just the thing for the new establishment. To begin with, there was +a love of a set of andirons and a brass fender (to reproduce +Josephine's description exactly), which had been discarded at the time +we began housekeeping as too old-fashioned and peculiar. Of equal +import was a disreputable-looking mahogany desk with brass handles and +claw feet which had belonged to my great-grandmother before it was +banished to the garret within a month after our wedding ceremony, on +the plea that none of the drawers would work. They don't still, for +that matter. A cumbersome, stately Dutch clock and a toast-rack of +what Josephine styled medieval pattern, were among the other +discoveries. The latter was reposing in a soap-box in company with a +battered, vulgar nutmeg-grater. But the pieces of resistance, as I +called them, on account of the difficulty we had in moving them from +behind a pile of old window-blinds, were the portraits of a little +gentleman in small-clothes, with his hair in a cue and a seeming cast +in one eye, and a stout lady with a high complexion and corkscrew +ringlets. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Fred, who are they?" cried Josephine, ecstatically, and she began +to dust the seedy, frameless canvases with a reverential air. "Where +did they come from?" +</P> + +<P> +"They're ancestors of mine, love." +</P> + +<P> +"Ancestors? How lovely, Fred! I didn't know you had any. I mean I +didn't know you had any who had their portraits painted." +</P> + +<P> +"On the contrary, Josephine, I told you who they were when we were +engaged, and I remember I was rather anxious to hang them in the +dining-room, but you said they were a pair of old frumps, and that you +wouldn't give them house space. So we compromised on the attic." +</P> + +<P> +"Did I?" said my darling, gravely. "Well it must have been because the +dining-room was too small for them. They will look delightfully in our +new one, when they are mounted and touched up a bit, and they will set +off our Copley of my great-aunt in the turban. What are their names? +They must have names." +</P> + +<P> +"They are my great-grandfather Plunkett and his wife, on my father's +side. He was a common hangman." +</P> + +<P> +"Now don't be idiotic, Fred." +</P> + +<P> +"He was, my dear. It was you yourself who said it. Don't you remember +my calling two of your forbears a precious pair of donkeys because they +wouldn't eat any form of shell-fish, and your replying that, though I +was in the habit of grandiloquently describing my ancestor who used to +execute people as 'the sheriff of the county,' he was only a common +hangman?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, was that the man? All I said was that if he had been <I>my</I> +ancestor instead of yours, you would have called him a hangman. He +<I>was</I> sheriff of the county, wasn't he, dear?" +</P> + +<P> +"So I have been taught to believe." +</P> + +<P> +"'My ancestor, the high sheriff,' won't sound badly at all," she said, +jauntily. +</P> + +<P> +"Especially if we can tone up the old gentleman's game eye a little." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine's face expressed open admiration. "You are a genius and a +duck," she exclaimed; then, after a reflective pause, she murmured, +"Very likely he met with an accident just before he was painted." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, dear. Consequently, if the eye can't be improved by means of the +best modern artistic talent, the least we can do is to put a shade over +it." +</P> + +<P> +This waggish remark seemed to be lost on Josephine. She wore a +far-away look as though her thoughts were following some fancy which +had appealed to her. She did not deign to take me into her confidence +at the moment, but a fortnight later I happened to come upon her in +close confabulation with a very clever, rising, local artist, over this +same portrait of my great-grandfather Plunkett. +</P> + +<P> +"Fred," she said, nonchalantly, "Mr. Binkey thinks he can do something +to this which will improve it." +</P> + +<P> +"I shouldn't suppose that it was easy to improve upon nature," I +remarked, oracularly. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine blushed a little, but she replied, with sturdy decision, "Oh, +but he never could have looked like that. His eyes must have been +alike, Fred. Mustn't they, Mr. Binkey?" +</P> + +<P> +"I should imagine," said our rising local artist, with a meditative +squint at the picture, "that the fault was in the technique rather than +in the subject-matter of the portrait." +</P> + +<P> +"Precisely," said Josephine, triumphantly. "Besides, Mr. Binkey says +it needs varnishing." +</P> + +<P> +What can one say in the teeth of professional authority? When +great-grandfather and great-grandmother Plunkett came back to us at the +end of a month, they were newly varnished and in bright, tasteful +frames, and no one would ever have detected that the old gentleman's +eyes did not resemble each other closely. Since then I have often +heard Josephine declare her gratitude that she did not allow any +squeamishness to prevent her from giving the children and people +generally the correct impression of a man who was eminent in his day +and generation. Indeed, I have heard her call the attention of +visitors to the strong similarity about the brow and eyes which our +second son David bears to his great-grandfather, High Sheriff Plunkett, +and I do not question in the least that she believes the cast in the +old gentleman's optic never to have existed save in the original +portrait-painter's imagination. I must admit that, notwithstanding the +changes made by local talent in my ancestor's physiognomy, I am +occasionally struck myself with the strong resemblance specified by +Josephine; and the longer I live the less doubt I have that she is a +far cleverer person than your humble servant. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap03"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +III +</H3> + + +<P> +Shortly before we moved to the seaside this summer, it was evident to +me that Josephine had something on her mind which she hesitated to +broach to me. I suspect that the dear girl realized that we had had +rather a trying winter in our new establishment, and was accordingly a +little nervous as to how I would receive a new suggestion, which was +aimed directly at my personal comfort. I had indeed found the winter +somewhat trying on account of the number of small repairs which had +proved to be necessary. Most of the doors would not open except by the +application of brute force, and many of the windows rattled, so that +carpenters were in possession of the premises a total of one hundred +and twenty-eight hours in the course of nine calendar months, and I was +compelled to listen in hang-dog silence to Josephine's sibilant +commentary, that this was the natural result of buying a ready-made +house. Still, I must admit that on the whole she behaved +extraordinarily well under these trying circumstances, and said nothing +more tart than that, if she ever were so foolish as to move again, she +should insist on building a house to suit herself; which struck me as +rather a boomerang of a speech, seeing that it implied a lurking doubt +on her part as to whether she had been wise in moving at all. I even +came near admitting to her in consequence that I was thankful we had +moved, and that, surface indications to the contrary notwithstanding, I +was extremely happy in my new surroundings, and egregiously proud of +her taste and cleverness in the selection of wall-papers and +upholstery. I could have truthfully added also that, though a slippery +hump had replaced the cosey hollow in my renovated easy-chair, I had +found one of the new chairs exactly suited to my sensibilities, and +should be secretly pleased if the old one were to softly and suddenly +vanish away during our absence at the sea-side, after the manner of the +Boojum of ditty. I have really no adequate reason to give why I +delayed to make this amiable confession. It was the consciousness, +however, that I had it to make which had prompted me to help my darling +out of her quandary when I perceived that she seemed afraid to beard +the lion in his den. +</P> + +<P> +"It has been very evident to me, Josephine, for the last two days, that +you are keeping back something. If your mind is really set on altering +the tinting of the drawing-room ceiling, I will consent to have it done +while we are out of town." +</P> + +<P> +"It isn't that at all, Fred. I agree with you that we can't afford it +this year." +</P> + +<P> +"Is it the extra tub in the laundry, then?" +</P> + +<P> +"Of course it would be very nice if we could have an extra tub. But it +isn't that." +</P> + +<P> +"Then there is something?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," she murmured. "Oh, Fred, I do hope, now that the doctor has +ordered you to take more exercise, you will get one of those pretty, +striped, tennis suits." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, do, father dear," exclaimed my eldest daughter, who happened to +enter the room at the moment and overheard her mother's speech. "You +would look perfectly lovely in one." +</P> + +<P> +"It would be a satisfaction for once to see you wear something a little +joyous," continued my wife, emboldened by the enthusiasm of her +offspring. +</P> + +<P> +"You seem to forget, dear, that I am a plain man," I answered, though +to tell the truth I was asking myself whether I was not a trifle weary +of posing in that sublime capacity. Now that I thought of it, what was +the especial virtue of being a plain citizen? +</P> + +<P> +When I came to reflect on the matter further, I realized that my +programme for the past fifteen years has been to put on a plain +pepper-and-salt suit of modest demeanor in the morning, eat two +plain-boiled eggs for breakfast, walk down town in a plain black +overcoat to my office in a plain-looking building, where I pursue my +calling until it is time to go home and doff my pepper-and-salt of +modest demeanor for a plain suit of sables, the funereal dress-clothes +of commerce and convention. Even this coal-black tribute to ceremony +has discredited me with some, who argue that I am not a plain man +because I do not prefer to dine in the same old pepper-and-salt. +Verily the only bits of warm color in my wardrobe have been a +robin's-egg-blue neck-tie, which I have never dared to wear except once +at a wedding, and a pair of pajamas reserved for very occasional jaunts +on yachts and sleeping cars. And now that I had the doctor's orders to +take more exercise, I had been on the point of selecting an ordinary, +plain, pepper-and-salt flannel shirt, and condemning one of my oldest +and plainest pairs of pepper-and-salt trousers for the purpose. +</P> + +<P> +And yet it was not always so. I remember that when I was a young +fellow and a bachelor I used to be, if not a dandy exactly, very +particular regarding my personal appearance, and that I was willing to +approach the border line of gaudiness as closely as any of my +contemporaries. It took courage, too, then: the youth who wore down +town even a garden flower in his button-hole was liable to be suspected +of a lack of purpose. One got very little encouragement at the best in +any effort to fly in the face of the perpetual black tie and black +broadcloth frock-coat of the plain American citizen, and he who chose +not to wear the garb of the Republic not merely cut himself off from +the possibility of ever becoming President, but ran the risk of being +refused employment of any kind. Naturally, therefore, I began after I +was married to do pretty much as the rest of my fellow-citizens did, +save in the matter of a dress-coat at dinner, which I continued to don +daily out of respect to Josephine's feelings. (This has been one of +the few points in my behavior upon which she has ever laid particular +stress, and I thank her here publicly for her pertinacity. It has +saved me from the slough of utter carelessness.) Barring the single +blue necktie and the pajamas, I drifted into and have stuck to blacks +and browns and the least ostentatious cuts until my own wife and +children have felt called upon to proclaim me fusty. +</P> + +<P> +To tell the truth, I had been more or less conscious for some time of +my degeneration in this respect, but it is no easy matter to escape +from a rut when one is middle-aged. Josephine's stricture concerning +the lack of joyousness in my apparel, however, brought me up standing, +as the phrase is, and served not merely to spur me to action, but to +crystallize a tissue of reflections which had been churning in my brain +during a considerable period. One evening a fortnight later I +sauntered into the drawing-room, where my wife and four children were +congregated round the family lamps, and drew attention to my appearance +by a timorous cough. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine was the first to look up. My foot-fall will usually draw +from her a welcoming smile, but she happened to be absorbed at the +moment in the end of a novel, the beginning of which she was going to +read later, so that it was not until I coughed that she raised her eyes +from her book. For a moment she stared at me as though she were +doubtful whether I was not one of the characters in whose vicissitudes +she had been engrossed, then, letting the volume fall to the ground, +she exclaimed in a voice of rapture, "Children, look at your father!" +</P> + +<P> +Roused from their respective volumes by the ardor of this exhortation, +my two sons and two daughters bent their critical eyes upon the male +author of their being. It was a moment of sweet triumph for the old +man for which he had made the most careful preparations. It was in +vain that their gimlet-like faculties sought to discover flaws in the +eminently fashionable costume of white striped serge, the brand-new +yellow shoes, the jaunty summer necktie, and the appropriate hat, +whereby I was transformed from a plain man to a respectable-looking +member of society. The father who can run the gauntlet of his +children's censorship may look the cold world in the face without a +quaver. Philosophy has taught me this, and it was under the spur of +the philosophic spirit that I had sought out the most expensive and +most fashionable tailor in town, and told him to build me a summer +outfit such as no one could carp at. Expense? He was to spare none. +Cut? The latest and most joyous. +</P> + +<P> +The children clapped their hands and there was a lively chorus of +approval, and I had the satisfaction of hearing Josie, whose hair is +ornamently auburn, and whose face reminds me of her mother at the same +age, declare that I looked "perfectly scrumptious," a sentiment which, +in spite of its flavor of school-girl slang, seemed to express the +critical estimate of the family circle. +</P> + +<P> +"I look like a perfect idiot," I remarked, with becoming modesty, as I +surveyed myself in the glass. I did not think so, all the same. +Indeed, I was saying to myself that I had had no idea I could look so +well. Yet, after all, it is other people who decide whether one looks +like an idiot or not. +</P> + +<P> +"On the contrary," said Josephine, having surveyed me once more from +head to foot to make sure that I was in nowise peculiar, but just like +everybody else (only nicer, as she would say), "you look neat, and cool +as a cucumber, and five years younger. Doesn't he, dears?" +</P> + +<P> +"I should think so," said little Fred, who is aiming to be a dandy +himself. "Father has cut us all out completely." +</P> + +<P> +"It is a comfort to think that I shall no longer be a disgrace to my +family," I remarked with humble mien. "I may add that this is not all. +I possess not merely this costume, but I have replenished my wardrobe +utterly. When you see my new trousers, my new summer overcoat, my +assortment of neckties, my brilliant shoes—both patent leather and +strawberry roan—you will no longer be able to state, Josephine, that +my clothes lack joyousness." +</P> + +<P> +Later in the evening, after the children had gone to bed, Josephine, +who had been up stairs to inspect my purchases, sat down beside me on +the sofa, and nestled her head against my shoulder. +</P> + +<P> +"Fred, you are very good," she said. "It must have bothered you +terribly to get all those things—you, who are so busy. Everything is +lovely, and the latest and prettiest of its kind. You have shown +exquisite taste, dear; but I feel as though I had badgered you into it, +following as it does on top of the house and everything else." +</P> + +<P> +"No, dearest," I answered, stroking her hair. "I am proud of you—I am +grateful to you. A man falls behind the times before he is aware of +it. The world changes and paterfamilias ought to change with it out of +consideration for his children. You were perfectly right, Josephine, +just as you were right about the moving. Our house was too small and I +was getting to look fusty and frowsy." +</P> + +<P> +"Not so bad as that, Fred. I never said that you didn't look perfectly +clean and respectable. All I meant was that there are such pretty +things now, it seems a pity not to wear them. It wasn't the fashion to +wear them when you were young. I mean younger than you are now," she +added, patting my cheek. "I am glad, Fred, that you are reconciled to +the house. I know that I have been a thorn in your flesh for the last +eighteen months on account of it. I didn't mean to be irritating about +the moving, but I was, and my soul has been wearing sackcloth and ashes +ever since because I was so nasty. You see, Fred, in the first place, +though I pretended to be pleased at your selecting the house, I was +really dreadfully disappointed, for half the fun of a new house is +choosing it. Of course a new house chosen by some one else is better +than none at all, but a woman hates surprises of that sort, and somehow +my teeth were set on edge by the few things about the house that didn't +suit me. And then, dear," she continued, caressingly, "I don't think +it was very nice of me to meddle with your great-grandfather Plunkett's +portrait. It was too much in the line of the people who have their +ancestors painted to order. I think of it quite often at night and +blush, which shows that I have a guilty conscience on the subject, +though I can't help feeling that it has been very much improved +whenever I look at it." +</P> + +<P> +"It was a very trifling amelioration," I answered. "And, if I remember +rightly, it was I who put you up to it." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, but you were only in jest, and I was base enough to adopt the +idea and act upon it. No, Fred, though I agree that everything has +worked out a great deal more satisfactorily than I deserve, and that we +are infinitely better off than we have ever been before in point of +comfort and general happiness, I look back on the last year and a half +as a sort of nightmare. You were content to live along steadily in the +dear old house and to toil unselfishly for us all, and I was +perpetually prodding you. It has made me feel myself to be a perfect +ogre of a woman. And yet it seemed to me to be necessary, Fred." +</P> + +<P> +"It was not merely necessary, Josephine. It was essential. Thank +goodness we have got through it so lightly! It is not every man who +survives the operation. But, as I have said to you already, I am the +one who should be grateful, and I too was the one at fault. Had you +waited for me to make the suggestion, we should have been still in that +dirty little box of a house, and I should have been wearing the same +black wisp of a necktie such as I have worn for the last fifteen years. +Kiss me, darling." +</P> + +<P> +She did so, and as she leaned her head lovingly against my breast she +looked up and said, tremulously: "It was all on account of the +children, Fred. I wish them to have every chance there is." There +spoke the fond mother-bird. The children! Are these young giants and +giantesses our children? Seemingly but yesterday they were little tots +pottering in the sand with spade and shovel, alternately angelic and +demoniac, supplying annual testimony to the inability of green apples +to oppress a hardy digestion, and free from every inkling of +responsibility save a faint, intermittent respect for parental mandate. +Now they tower before me in the glory of budding manhood and +maidenhood; lovable, yet haughty; with star-like eyes and brows +perplexed by all the problems of the universe; God-like in their +devotion to principle, though distressingly eager for pocket-money. +</P> + +<P> +"Fred," whispers the dear woman at my side, breaking in upon my +cogitation, "what were you like as a boy—er—a young man, I mean?" +</P> + +<P> +Her words are the answering echo to my own secret thought. Like myself +she is groping for light and counsel. May not the cleverest man and +woman fitly quail before the soul-hunger of eager adolescent youth? +And I do not profess to be clever. +</P> + +<P> +"What were you like as a young woman?" +</P> + +<P> +"I was afraid you would make that answer," she murmurs, reproachfully. +"Oh, I have forgotten!" +</P> + +<P> +"And if we could remember, Josephine, it would not help us very much. +Each generation finds the world a virgin field. Somehow, though, I had +fancied that when we had seen them through the scarlet fever and landed +them in college, it would be plain sailing. We have to begin all over +again, though, and the second half promises to be the most difficult." +</P> + +<P> +"I know it. And think how we worried, or rather tried not to worry, +over them when they were little things, and how we fancied there were +no problems to compare in difficulty with supplying them with proper +food and proper masters. In the last fifteen years they have had +everything—chicken-pox, measles, whooping-cough, mumps, and scarlet +fever. And they've collected everything—postage-stamps, minerals, +butterflies, coins, and cigarette pictures. And they've kept +everything—rabbits, goats, bull-terriers, white mice, a pony, and +guinea-pigs." +</P> + +<P> +"And owned, and subsequently discarded, to my certain knowledge, a +music-box, doll's-house, puppet-show, printing-press, steam-engine, +aquarium, and camera." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, and over and above their school learning they've been taught to +swim, ride, dance, use tools, play on the piano, and speak fair to +middling French. Yet, as you say, Fred, the most difficult part is to +come, just as we fancied that we were through. And the terrible +reflection is that we're not so sure now what we ought to do for them +as we were when they were younger." +</P> + +<P> +"Precisely, dear." +</P> + +<P> +"And it seems sometimes very strange to me, Fred, that though they've +eaten out of the same dish, as it were, all their days, and had the +same opportunities, they should be so totally unlike one another +physically, mentally, and morally. It's impossible to lay down any +hard-and-fast rule for them now, as one could do when they were little." +</P> + +<P> +It is indeed. I see them on the threshold of manhood and maidenhood +looking up to my wife and me for guidance and counsel, though they +pretend to be sufficient to themselves in matters of judgment. A word +of encouragement or of disapproval from us may be the turning-point in +their destinies, may set the seal on what they are to become. Even as +the flowers are drawn by the sun and the willows follow the prevailing +wind, their young lives may be turned to good or saved from ill by our +loving sympathy or remonstrance in the nick of time. We clinch our +fingers in the stress of uncertainty. Good counsel? Yes, a thousand +times yes; but who will counsel the counsellors? +</P> + +<P> +How the world has changed since Josephine and I were their age! More +particularly that choicest section of it which we were taught to think +and speak of as the land of the free and the home of the brave. As I +look back now in philosophic mood, simplicity seems to me to have been +the keynote of our day. Not merely had the gladsome flannel costume +and the Indian pajamas not yet begun to force an issue with the +oratorical black broadcloth coat and the up-and-down white nightgown. +There were no shingle stains to speak of but those of time and +eternity, and he who owned a vehicle of any kind must needs be careful +that it was of sombre hue and homely pattern. Among the fixed truths +which we imbibed with the maternal milk, and from the prejudice of +which I never expect to be wholly free, were these: That though the +blatant blast of the Western politician offend the sensitive ear of +culture by exaggeration, it is still true that we are the greatest +nation under the sun by virtue of our total disregard of everything +which other nations have held fast to; that the American woman is a +newly created species; that George Washington never told a lie; that +though France was on our side in our struggle for Independence, for +which we should ever be profoundly grateful, the custom of handing over +young people to be married at parental dictate, coupled with certain +hoarse suspicions of an unmentionable character, must be an everlasting +barrier between us and the Gaul; that, nevertheless, if a man will have +his fling, he may do so in Paris once without being held to strict +account for it, provided that he comes home and lives a respectable +life ever after on this side the water; that Russia's ill-treatment of +the serf and general barbaric conditions are to be overlooked on +account of the friendliness she displayed toward us in our hour of +need, barbarism being on the whole a less crucial blemish than the +above-mentioned peculiarities of our other ally; and that everyone +should hitch his wagon to a star. +</P> + +<P> +In this last injunction lay, perhaps, the gist of the whole matter. To +hitch one's wagon to a star was to be, primarily, a plain person, to go +in for truth, patriotism, fineness of soul, long hours of labor, little +exercise and no vacations, pies and doughnuts, ugliness of physical +surroundings, and squeaky feminine voices. Public opinion justified +making all the money one could, provided it was not spent in rendering +life ornate or beautiful. So lived our fathers and mothers, our +up-right, vigorous, single-minded, ascetic predecessors; and in our day +their precepts were still held in reverence. Yet even then there were +indications of a change. The newly created species took it into her +head to look around her, especially in summer, first by itineraries +along the rock-bound coast of her native land, and later by amazon-like +pilgrimages abroad. She invented Bar Harbor, and while electrified +Europe held its breath perambulated Paris alone and climbed Mont Blanc +with a single man. She also made the pertinent discovery that her +popper's purse was pudgy with the proceeds of wheat, corn, dry goods, +and railway shares. Though she still urged the successive youths who +strolled and sat under her Japanese sunshade to hitch their wagons to +heavenly bodies, she gave it sweetly, and little by little to be +understood that chastity among women and high resolve among men need +not preclude more picturesque paraphernalia and a broader field of +investigation. She bought French clothes; her brothers took the hint +from her, and hied them to Paris and Vienna to pursue their studies; +penetrated to Pekin and Constantinople, and hunted the tiger in the +jungles of India, while popper's pudgy purse grew more and more +plethoric despite the drafts upon it. Purification by pie waned, and +the first Queen Anne cottage reared its head. +</P> + +<P> +I wooed and won Josephine in those early, transitory days when the +influence of the past was still upon us, though we foresaw and caught +glimpses of the new. We were simple souls. I believe that Josephine's +wagon was hitched to a star; else I could not have loved her. And she +believed the same of mine. She wandered in the panoply of her maiden +independence to far-off rookeries attended by me only (or some other +swain only). Though we were fain to discuss De Musset and Herbert +Spencer, Darwin and Dobson, George Eliot and Philip Gilbert +Hamerton—strange names to the elder generation—our scheme of life was +still essentially grave and plain for all Josephine's Japanese sunshade +and tendency to make the most of her willowy figure. Little did we +dream of the later development which, like a huge wave, was to sweep +over the land of the free and the home of the brave, overwhelming its +native simplicity with the virtues, tastes, and vices of the other +nations against which our forefathers barred the door. Palaces in all +but the name stand where the buffalo was wont to disport himself, and +where the American eagle in human form once flapped his wings and +screamed most viciously in contempt of the effete civilization of the +older world. Sons and daughters of the pioneers who bolted their +dinners on the stroke of twelve find seven too early for elegant +convenience. Among the reddest and palest of hot-house roses, which +deck their tables, glisten glass of Venetian pattern and china from the +bankrupt stock of kings. According to their intellectualities their +talk is of labor and capital, of working-girls' clubs and model +tenement-houses, of Buddha and Zola, of foreign titles, and +transplanted fox-hunting. To-day a hundred thousand dollars is barely +a competency, and a building less than a dozen stories high dwarfs the +highway of trade. The vestibule limited, the ocean grey-hound, the +Atlantic cable, and the voice-bearing telephone have made all nations +kin, and bid fair to amalgamate society. Even the newly created +species condescends to swap her birthright for a coronet. +</P> + +<P> +All this has come to pass while Josephine and I have been plodding +along the route of all flesh, trying not to forget our early +aspirations. We have changed our dinner-hour with the rest of the +world; we have learned to talk more or less unintelligently about the +sweating system and Buddhism; we have bowed our necks to the yoke of +the electric wire. Now that Josephine has spurred me on to it, I have +even bought a modern house, and replenished my wardrobe so as to keep +pace with thought and custom. But, nevertheless, sitting here in my +renovated easy-chair, with my feet stretched toward the brass andirons +which were the pride of one of my great-grandmothers, listening to the +ticking of the old-fashioned clock which belonged to another of them, +and conscious that the eyes of my most distinguished ancestor are +looking down at me from the wall, I feel bewildered, as it were, by +this latter-day metamorphosis, bristling with new and formidable +problems. Whither is civilization tending? What is one to think of it +all? And by the shades of my forefathers, purified by pie, how shall +we best help our sons and daughters to hitch their wagons to stars? +That is what is worrying Josephine and me. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap04"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +IV +</H3> + + +<P> +We have just faced our first serious problem. +</P> + +<P> +Said my wife to me one day not long ago, handing me the newspaper as +she spoke, "Look at this, my dear. Little Fred has been selected to +play on the University foot-ball eleven." +</P> + +<P> +By way of contradistinction to me, who am rather short and slight, my +namesake and eldest son is still habitually spoken of in the family as +Little Fred, notwithstanding that he is a head taller than I, and a +strongly built, muscular youth into the bargain. He is in college—a +sophomore—and I do not hesitate to declare that when he left school he +was about as clean cut a young fellow, both mentally and physically, as +anyone would wish to see. I have always encouraged him to take a +sensible amount of exercise and have been glad that he seemed fond of +the athletic sports in vogue among the growing lads of the country and +did not need to be prodded, like his brother David for instance, to +keep out of doors. I have been aware that he has been a prominent +member of an amateur base-ball nine and foot-ball eleven, and I have +been proud to follow in a confused sort of fashion, for the technical +terms have changed sadly since I was a boy, the defeats and victories, +principally the latter, I think, of those illustrious organizations. +Although I was never his equal physically, I look back with +considerable pride to my own foot-ball days, and my children have heard +me repeatedly describe the famous dash which I once made with the ball +from one end of the field to the other, with Tom Ruggs, the butcher's +boy, at my heels, and how he never caught me until after I had sent it +flying over the goal line, and we had won the game. That was a long +time ago now, and we played a very different game, as I have since +discovered. I hear a great deal said nowadays about the lack of +attention which the older generation gave to manly sports. We did not +make much fuss about them, I agree, and consequently some boys may have +been allowed to grow to manhood without proper physical training; but +it seems to me that most of us were playing something in the fresh air +the greater portion of the time. However, I have always been a great +believer in manly sports and I wish to continue to be. +</P> + +<P> +When my boy entered college I remember telling him kindly but +explicitly that it was a costly matter to send him there, and that I +should expect him to make the most of the opportunities for improvement +which were offered him. I knew that he was not especially clever at +his books like his brother David, yet at the same time I had set him +down as a sensible, wide-awake fellow with at least an average amount +of brains and with plenty of tact and common sense. It was my hope +that he would devote himself to political economy and mathematics, in +which case I should try and find an opening for him after graduation +with the firm of Leggatt & Paine, our leading bankers. I expected, of +course, that he would continue to take a suitable amount of exercise, +to keep himself in good trim; row on the river and not altogether +renounce base-ball. Indeed, although I was aware that collegiate +sports were a much more serious tax on a student's time than in my day, +I should not have seriously demurred had he been selected to row on the +University crew or play on the University base-ball nine. I should +have greatly preferred to have him steer clear of both; still, I try to +remember that I was once his age myself, and I am given to understand +that the rivalry between the several colleges in these matters is more +intense than ever. There was a time when nothing seemed to me of such +vital interest as whether Harvard or Yale won the boat race. The +Darwinian theory paled in comparative importance beside it. Indeed, I +still take more interest in it than it deserves, perhaps. +Nevertheless, I took pains to impress upon Fred that his studies were +to be his first consideration. +</P> + +<P> +We did not play foot-ball in college when I was there, which was the +reason, perhaps, why I assumed that it was a boy's game, to be shuffled +off with other purely youthful sports when one became a dignified +student. I had heard here and there the statement that it was a rough +game, which did not impress me very much, recalling as I did my own +hacked shins. It was not until I read my friend Horace Plympton's +letter to the <I>Evening Times</I>, that my attention was particularly +called to the matter. Horace seemed to have lashed himself into a +perfect fury on the subject. He stigmatized the modern game as it was +played by University students as a barbaric spectacle, dangerous to +limb, if not to life. Horace has always been more or less of a +pepper-pot, but he is not exactly a croaker, and he served in the war +with distinction. Hence his diatribe made me frown, even though it +rather amused me. It was written in the autumn of the year before Fred +went to Cambridge, and I read it aloud to the family circle as being of +interest to a sub-freshman. +</P> + +<P> +"What perfect nonsense!" exclaimed that profound young gentleman, when +I had finished. "The man who wrote that letter is a flub-dub, father." +</P> + +<P> +Though not aware of the precise meaning of this epithet, I realized +that it was a severe arraignment. I felt, too, that my manner of +reading the communication had given license to my boy's tongue. I +answered, therefore, with some unction: +</P> + +<P> +"The writer, Horace Plympton, is a brave and sensible man. I know him +very well." +</P> + +<P> +"I guess he never kicked foot-ball." +</P> + +<P> +"In his day the young men who were fortunate enough to be sent to +college were better occupied. Foot-ball? It is a game for +high-schools, not universities." +</P> + +<P> +"It is the greatest game of the day, father," said my sub-freshman, +with the haughty consciousness of superior knowledge which the waning, +though reigning, generation has so often to bow to. +</P> + +<P> +Of course that settled the question. I believe that I made a futile +remark to the effect that the president ought to put a stop to it, or +something of the sort, but I knew enough to know that I had been +convicted of error. I saw Fred glance at his sisters, and all three at +their mother, who looked anxious in her desire not to seem to take +sides against me, though manifestly sympathizing with them. I said to +myself that if foot-ball was the greatest game of the day, I was not +going to put my foot down and prevent my boys from playing it merely +because I was old fogy enough not to understand that it was the +greatest game of the day, and Horace Plympton had written a letter to +the <I>Evening Times</I>. Accordingly, when the time came for Fred to go to +college I merely cautioned him generally against wasting his time, and +uttered no fulminations against foot-ball in particular. +</P> + +<P> +"On the University foot-ball eleven?" I echoed, taking the newspaper +from my wife, and as I read I felt a little lump of emotional pride +rise in my throat. There it was, sure enough, in black and white, +though I could not help wondering why the fact was of importance enough +to be chronicled in the daily press along with the telegraphic news, +and the deaths and marriages. It was evidently a matter of +considerable moment, though I could not quite see why. +</P> + +<P> +"He will be perfectly delighted," said Josephine. "He has been +extremely doubtful whether he would be chosen. Oh, Fred," she +exclaimed, in a tone of solicitude, "do you really think it's safe?" +</P> + +<P> +How exactly that was like a woman. Here was my wife, who had secretly +aided and abetted her son in his design, and been the recipient of his +hopes and fears on the subject, turning to me, who had dared to utter a +feeble protest or two only to be scoffed at, and summarily sat upon, +asking if the game was really safe. +</P> + +<P> +"There are certain risks in this world that a man has to take," I +answered, borrowing the sentiment which she had uttered on the occasion +of our affair with the burglars. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine did not appreciate my irony. "Why, oh why, did you give your +consent to his playing foot-ball?" she asked, tragically. "I +understand that it is a terribly rough and dangerous game." +</P> + +<P> +"I give my consent? This is monstrous, Josephine, monstrous. I did +not wish to be a killjoy and a marplot, or I would have forbidden Fred +to touch a foot-ball after he entered college. Had you, my dear, given +me the least bit of support, I should have nipped the whole business in +the bud. Yet now you seek to throw the blame on me." +</P> + +<P> +The suggestion of the dire parental sternness of which I had evidently +just missed being guilty caused her thoughts to fly off on an opposite +tack. "The poor darling, his heart was so set on being chosen," she +said. "I am sure, Fred, it would have been a terrible blow to him if +he had not succeeded." +</P> + +<P> +"I dare say that it was his chief motive in going to college," I +interjected, a little indignantly. +</P> + +<P> +"I really think it was," she murmured, with sweet maternal sympathy. +"I shall live though in constant dread until it is over and done with." +</P> + +<P> +"What is over and done with?" +</P> + +<P> +"The Harvard-Yale foot-ball match. It's on account of that he's been +so anxious to belong. And, Fred, he said to me the other day that if +he was chosen, he hoped that we would go to Springfield to see the +game. It is terrible to think that I might see him killed before my +eyes, but he is set on our going." +</P> + +<P> +"It is all a piece of infernal nonsense," I remarked, with majestic +dignity; nevertheless, the idea did not strike me as a bad one. To +tell the truth, I was beginning to be curious to see this game, which, +according to the views of my eldest son, was the greatest game of the +day, and to those of Horace Plympton a barbaric spectacle. +</P> + +<P> +And now befell me a curious experience; at least it seemed to me such. +I found that I, who, though considered an industrious and painstaking +lawyer, have never awakened any especial interest in the community, had +acquired lustre and importance by virtue of the circumstance that I had +a son on the University foot-ball eleven. College graduates of various +ages, who had hitherto classed me with the general run of their +acquaintance, grew suddenly cordial and congratulatory in their manner, +and I had the satisfaction of reading in the public prints an item to +the effect that Frederick ——, the father of the well-known half-back +of the Harvard University foot-ball eleven, had recently visited New +York for a few days. Altogether I had become, for the first time in my +existence, an object of consequence to my fellow-citizens, and almost +to the world at large. +</P> + +<P> +As for the hero himself, he bore his importance modestly and meekly, +though he evidently considered that he had rescued the family name from +obscurity and set it gloriously in the public eye by dint of his +renown. He was in strict training, and fiercely conscientious as to +what he ate and drank, and as to his hours of sleep. Little was heard +in the house when he was at home but conjecture and estimate as to who +was likely to win in the impending contest. Had I been properly +attentive, I might have learned from his lips not merely the names and +nicknames of the members of the respective teams and the positions on +the field they were to fill, but their weights in fighting trim, their +fine points both as foot-ball kickers and as men, and not improbably +their love affairs. When now and then, as occasionally happened, I +betrayed by an unfortunate question or by unappreciative silence my +lack of familiarity with this or that celebrity, the look of wondering +pity with which my boy, and indeed every member of the family, regarded +me made me feel myself to be a veritable ignoramus. Josephine and her +girls knew the whole business from beginning to end, and I must confess +that I secretly drank in more than I pretended. +</P> + +<P> +A fortnight before the match was to come off Sam Bangs, who, as some of +you will remember, is a second cousin of mine and rather a pal of +Josephine's, appeared at the house one evening and laid before me, in +his engaging, plausible fashion, a project which he and his wife and my +wife had cooked up between them. He and Josephine assured me, in the +first place, that I wouldn't have the least bother in the matter, and +that everything would be perfectly plain running for the reason that +Sam was intimate with the manager of the railroad, and that little Fred +had secured the requisite number of tickets for the game. Then he +proceeded to inform me that they had conceived the idea of going to see +the game at Springfield in a private special car; that the manager had +promised to let him have one, and that it would be much more jolly to +go with a few friends like that and have a luncheon comfortably served +by a caterer than to be lumped in the common cars with Tom, Dick, and +Harry, who were liable to be noisy students, or still more noisy +prize-fighters, and starve; that there were several people crazy to go +whom it would be very pleasant to have, notably Mrs. Guy Sloane and +Mrs. Walter Warner (nee Polly Flinders), and that the expense would be +comparatively trifling. +</P> + +<P> +"I think it would be particularly nice, Fred, on Josie's account," +added my wife. "I should ask two or three of her girls, and some boys +to match. She is inclined to be shy, and this would be just the +occasion to help her to feel at her ease with young men. Then I +thought you would like to have a chat with Polly Warner; you so rarely +see her now, and you and she used to get on so well together; and you +know Mrs. Guy Sloane always stimulates you. I think you would have a +very good time; and, as Sam says, it's a Dutch treat, so the expense +would fall on everybody alike." +</P> + +<P> +Seeing that Josephine's heart was set on going in just that way, I did +not attempt to interpose objections. I took the liberty, however, of +remarking that, though we as the parents of one of the players had a +reason for going, I could not understand why a cultivated woman like +Mrs. Guy Sloane was willing, crazy indeed according to what they had +said, to take so much trouble to see a pack of college youths knock +each other about. In answer to this, Sam declared that every man, +woman, and child in the city who could possibly get away was going to +Springfield; that trains were to be run every fifteen minutes, and that +no less than twenty special private cars in addition to ours had been +chartered for the occasion. Again I hung my diminished head before +this broadside of superior information. Sam was perfectly right. I +have rarely seen such a crowd in a small compass as was collected at +the railway station before we started. How we ever reached Sam, who +made himself visible to me at last across an ocean of heads by lifting +himself on the shoulders of obliging friends, and found our special car +seems mysterious to me as I look back upon it. It really appeared as +though every man, woman, and child in the city <I>were</I> going, from the +highest officials of the State and our leading citizens in various +fields to the veriest street Arab who had managed to beg, borrow, or +earn the requisite fare. Everybody, or nearly everybody, carried a +flag, and Josephine seemed to think that I, as a Harvard man and the +father of the half-back of the team, was lacking in enthusiasm because +I had not got possession of one. +</P> + +<P> +"It will be time enough for enthusiasm when we win the match," I +remarked, sententiously, though what with the general crowd and the +files of students bubbling over with Rah-rah-rahs as they tore along +the platform to find seats in the several trains, I was beginning to +feel very tremulous about the gills, so to speak. +</P> + +<P> +I doubt if Josephine heard my answer. Her attention had suddenly been +absorbed by the sight of Mrs. Willoughby Walton, on the way to her +special car, in all her glory, which consisted of a new seal-brown +costume with tiger-skin trimmings and a retinue comprising Gillespie +Gore, Dr. Henry Meredith, the specialist on nervous diseases (who, like +everybody else, had evidently taken a day off), and half a dozen youths +who looked young enough to be freshmen. She was frantically waving a +crimson flag, which she shook at the windows of our car as she passed +with the spirit of a belle of nineteen. +</P> + +<P> +"That woman is simply wonderful," murmured my darling. "She is +fifty-five if she is a day, but she will not give up." +</P> + +<P> +"Rah! rah! rah! Harvard!" I ejaculated hysterically. I felt that I +was getting rattled, as my famous son calls it. +</P> + +<P> +"Look here, Cousin Fred," said Sam Bangs at my shoulder. "Seen the +morning paper? Here he is cabinet size and a full family history +annexed. It's something which his great-grandchildren will be proud +of. Where the dickens, by the way, is Mrs. Sloane? I've been looking +for her everywhere in the station. She's coming, because she +telephoned me last night to inquire if I could squeeze one more into +our car. We'll be off in another five minutes." +</P> + +<P> +"What <I>do</I> you mean, Sam? What is it?" asked Josephine, as she seized +and held to the light the newspaper which he was extending. +</P> + +<P> +I looked over her shoulder and broke into a cold perspiration at +beholding an execrable three-quarters length cut of my darling son +superscribed by his name in holograph. +</P> + +<P> +"It's an indecent outrage," I hissed. +</P> + +<P> +"It isn't like him in the least. No one would ever know who it was. +It makes him look like a prize-fighter," cried Josephine. +</P> + +<P> +"They've no right to print his picture at all; it'll do the boy a +serious injury by leading him to believe there is nothing else in the +world worth thinking about but foot-ball," I asserted. "What right +have they to do it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Pooh, Cousin Fred," said Sam. "It's nothing but ordinary newspaper +enterprise. They print everybody's portrait nowadays, from the common +murderer up. Your ox is gored this time, that's all. Cheer up, old +man—Rah! rah! rah! Harvard!" +</P> + +<P> +"I never supposed they would make him look like that, or I wouldn't +have let Fred have the photograph to give them," said Josephine, +forlornly. +</P> + +<P> +"Do you mean that you gave it to them?" I asked, in horror. +</P> + +<P> +"It was to Fred I gave it. He said that his picture was to appear with +the others, and that he must have a photograph. But they have made him +much the worst looking of them all. It's a libel on the dear boy." +</P> + +<P> +I was saved from intemperate language by the sudden advent of Mrs. Guy +Sloane, in whose custody appeared the Rev. Bradley Mason, our spiritual +adviser. They were both breathless with haste, occasioned, as we +shortly learned, by the necessity imposed on our beloved pastor of +marrying a couple before he could escape from his fold. +</P> + +<P> +"If I had ever dreamed that you would come, Mr. Mason, I should have +sent you an invitation myself," said Josephine, whose delight, as I +perceived, was tinged with jealousy. +</P> + +<P> +"I planned it as a delirious surprise," interjected Mrs. Sloane. "I +knew you would be only too glad to have him if there was room. I dare +say you thought I was a little mysterious over the telephone last +night, Mr. Bangs," she added with a blithe twist of her neck in Sam's +direction. +</P> + +<P> +"I am a thorough believer in the efficacy of manly sports on +character," I heard Mr. Mason remark to my wife. "They cannot be too +much encouraged by us all." +</P> + +<P> +"It is very kind of you to say so," said Josephine, with a radiance +which told me plainly that her qualms concerning the whole proceeding +as an educational factor were at least temporarily dispelled. "I shall +tell little Fred that you were with us. It will gratify him very much +to know that you saw the game." +</P> + +<P> +"It must be a proud day for you as a father and a college man," he +continued, with a kindly smile in my direction. +</P> + +<P> +"Really, sir, I am not altogether certain yet," I answered, a trifle +doggedly. "My judgment is in a state of suspension." +</P> + +<P> +He obviously mistook my philosophic utterance for fears concerning the +outcome of the game, inasmuch as he presently sought to soothe me by a +speech to the effect that a game well lost was a victory in ethics, +which prompted me to remark, under my breath: +</P> + +<P> +"Provided it doesn't cost a leg or a rib or two." +</P> + +<P> +"Cost nothing," cried the irrepressible Sam, whose ear caught what I +had meant for an aside. "He'll come out of it all right, Cousin Fred. +We're bound to win too. Rah! rah! rah! Harv-a-rd!" Thereupon the +engine gave a puff and a couple of snorts, and we were off. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap05"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +V +</H3> + + +<P> +We were early on the ground. That is to say, only a few hundred people +were in their places when we arrived. The seating accommodations were +for thousands. Have you ever seen an intercollegiate foot-ball field? +If not, picture to yourself a long, level, rectangular arena about a +hundred yards long and fifty yards wide marked out with white lines at +certain regular intervals. At either end stands a crossbar supported +by two posts. These are the respective goals. All along the field on +either side runs a tall tier of seats similar to those at a hippodrome, +and there are tiers of seats also opposite the ends; but the best seats +are likely to be those on either side in proximity to the middle of the +field. +</P> + +<P> +Sam Bangs led the way with the confident tread of a drum-major down the +Harvard side—for the custom is to apportion the seats on one of the +long sides of the field among the friends of one college, and those on +the other correspondingly—until he reached a desirable location. Then +we established ourselves according to his directions and waited. It +was rather a long wait—nearly two hours—during which I had ample +leisure to philosophize to the top of my bent. We had to console us +Sam's assurance that it was necessary to take time by the forelock to +this radical extent in order to secure satisfactory places. For the +next two hours a steady stream of people poured along the two sides of +the field until they became great walls of crimson and blue humanity. +Flags waved, badges fluttered, the human voice worked itself hoarse in +every form of encouraging outcry from the full-chested song to the +indiscriminate cat-call. In front of each section of seats stood a +separate youth, who at very short intervals, and at the slightest +provocation, invoked cheers upon cheers for everything and everybody, +from the captain of the team to the college coster-monger. An hour +before the game began the benches were crowded, and I seemed to have +recognized in the passing throng every person of consideration among my +acquaintance. Mrs. Willoughby Walton and her party were among the last +to arrive. I was curious to see where they would bestow themselves, +seeing that we were all packed tight as herrings, and there was only +here and there an occasional chance for another mortal to squeeze in, +and that generally at the cost of clambering over the heads of two or +three hundred people. As Josephine said to me later, I might have +known that Mrs. Walton would not put herself in any such plight. I was +just wondering what on earth her elegant procession, which had halted +in front of the section next to ours, was going to do, when of a sudden +the occupants of the two best rows of seats trooped out in orderly file +and relinquished their places to the fashionable party. Sam, after a +moment's dazed silence, which must have been gall to him, for he does +not like to be imposed upon in such matters, furnished us with the +solution of this act of legerdemain. +</P> + +<P> +They were mill hands subsidized to come early and hold the seats until +Mrs. Willoughby arrived. +</P> + +<P> +Another hour of anticipation, and then at last a roar; a roar which +runs like a fire down our side of the field, waking tired lungs to new +enthusiasm and calling into action every crimson flag and rag. Only +the wearers of the blue are quiet; their benches remain coldly silent. +The Harvard eleven have arrived on a tally-ho, and in a few minutes +more are disporting themselves like a band of prairie dogs over the +campus. The uproar is deafening, but they seem to pay no attention to +it. They strip off their crimson jerseys and concentrate their +energies on bunting and punting a leather foot-ball about the field. +They wear earth-colored canvas jackets and earth-colored knickerbockers +ending in crimson stockings, and I say to myself that they are the most +unpleasant-looking band of ruffians I have ever beheld. Nor are my +fond paternal eyes able to make a reservation in little Fred's favor on +this point. I have considerable difficulty, indeed, in distinguishing +him from his mates, though Josephine declares that she singled him out +the moment he appeared on the scene. He suggests to me a compromise +between a convict and a hod-carrier. Nevertheless, my eyes begin to +water as I follow his every movement, and my pulses throb eagerly. At +the same time I am impelled to link my arm affectionately in my son +David's, next to whom I am sitting. I cannot help wondering what he, +dear boy, is thinking of it all. He is perfectly healthy, but he is +slight, and will never be an athlete. His tastes do not run in that +direction. He graduated at school last summer next to the head of his +class, and it was no class of two, but of twenty times that number. We +were very proud of it, Josephine and I. We went to the exhibition and +saw him receive a number of prizes. It was a pleasant occasion, but +how trifling and insignificant were the plaudits he received compared +with the uproarious ovation accorded a successful half-back. I feel +almost indignant, even in the midst of my excitement over little Fred, +and would fain throw my arms round his brother's neck and whisper that +he must not take the matter to heart, and that the whole business is +terribly unjust. +</P> + +<P> +Now comes another uproar, and this time from the opposite side of the +field. The Yale eleven have arrived and are stripping off their +jerseys. They career over the arena in dirt color and dark blue, while +the dark blue benches surge tumultuously. There is no more delay. The +umpire calls the game, and the two sides line up for action. I feel +Josephine, who is on my other side, clutch my arm and sigh. There is +only one object for her on the field, as I well know. She has been +trying to learn the rules from Sam for the last half hour (she doubts +my knowledge on such subjects nowadays), and I can see that she is +seeking in vain to concentrate her mind on her new-found information +and to shut out the vision of little Fred being borne off the field on +a litter. I confess that Horace Plympton's letter recurs to me for a +moment, but I shake myself and utter an inward "Pooh!" and haughtily +determine to view the contest dispassionately and from the standpoint +of a third person and a philosopher. +</P> + +<P> +Harvard has won the toss and is to have the ball. In my day we had to +kick it; now it is manipulated with the hands, and not forward, but +backward. The players form a phalanx, and one of their number snaps, +as it is called, the ball between his legs to someone behind him, who +in turn passes it to another, who is expected to make a forward dash +with it. Before I can quite realize what is being done the Harvard men +are speeding toward the Yale goal in a V-shaped body. Little Fred has +the ball. Or rather he had it. All I can see now is an indiscriminate +mass of bodies, legs, and arms. A great pile of men are struggling on +the ground, and I have reason to believe that little Fred is at the +bottom of the pile. +</P> + +<P> +"A scrimmage," says Sam, looking round at Josephine. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes," she answers, with apparent calm, but I can feel her tremble. +</P> + +<P> +"This is nothing; it's like this most of the time," says Sam. "You see +he's all right, and——" +</P> + +<P> +A yell cuts him short. +</P> + +<P> +"Good enough! Harvard still has the ball," he continues, at its close. +</P> + +<P> +"Can you see him?" whispers Josephine in my ear. +</P> + +<P> +"He's all right," I murmur, assuringly. +</P> + +<P> +See him! I can see him distinctly. He has lost his cap already; his +hair is in wild confusion; he is covered with dirt from head to foot; +he limps a little. But Harvard still has the ball. And Sam says it is +nothing and like this most of the time. Sam must know. +</P> + +<P> +"Rah! rah! rah! Harvard!" I cry with the rest unflinchingly. +</P> + +<P> +There is a second yell, this time from our enemies. Harvard has lost +the ball and Yale has it. And now before my bewildered eyes scrimmage +follows scrimmage with fierce iteration, and one pile of bodies, arms, +and legs succeeds another. The player, fortunate enough to carry or +force the ball a yard or more toward the rival goal by a frantic rush +before he is overwhelmed and squashed, reaps a whirlwind of applause +from the absorbed multitude. Every inch of ground is disputed. Once +in a long interval when the ball gets dangerously near a goal, someone +on the imperiled side kicks it half the length of the field, and the +scrimmages are renewed. But it is rarely kicked at all except at such +junctures. Foot-ball! I say to myself that it is a gladiatorial +combat with an occasional punt thrown in by way of identification. But +every one around me is declaring that the play of both sides is +magnificent, that the team work is perfection, and the head qualities +displayed unique in the annals of the game. Sam tells me again and +again that Fred is doing sheer wonders and is the backbone of the +Harvard side, and I wonder how he can distinguish so easily which is +Fred and whether he has any backbone left. I can no longer make out +much of anything except that one ruffian closely resembles every other +ruffian, and that one poor boy is lying on the ground perfectly still, +as though he were dead. There is just a little lull on the benches. +People are interested. +</P> + +<P> +"Who is it?" gasps Josephine. "Is it he, dear?" +</P> + +<P> +"Butchered to make a Roman holiday," I mutter between my teeth, with my +heart in my mouth. +</P> + +<P> +They are pulling and rubbing the victim, and a doctor, retained for +such emergencies, is bending over him. After a few moments more he +rises slowly, looks round him in a dazed fashion, and resumes his +position with a painful limp, to a round of applause. +</P> + +<P> +"It isn't Fred," says Josephine. +</P> + +<P> +"But he has a mother, though," I answer. +</P> + +<P> +"He'll be all right in a minute or two," says Sam. "They stamped the +wind out of him, that's all." +</P> + +<P> +To have the wind stamped out of one is a mere bagatelle, of course, and +I have forgotten it in another moment under the spur of excitement. A +Harvard player has the ball, and no one seems to be able to stop him. +He throws off his antagonist and dodges two others, and races down the +field like a deer, while the wearers of the crimson scream his name +with transport and flourish their banners like madmen. It is Fred, it +is Fred, it is Fred! I know his figure now. He has the ball and is +flying like the wind with two great brutes at his heels. Will they +catch him? Will they kill him? They are gaining on him. +</P> + +<P> +"Run—run—run," I shout, in spite of myself, while all the people on +our benches rise in their excitement, and Josephine covers her eyes +with her hands, unwilling to look. On, on my boy runs, until at last +he falls with his two pursuers on top of him full across the Yale line. +</P> + +<P> +"A touch-down, a touch-down!" bursts out Sam, as he grasps my hand in +his wild enthusiasm. I do not know exactly what has occurred except +that there is pandemonium on the Harvard side of the field unequalled +as yet by anything that has happened, and a deathly tranquility along +the benches opposite. After making sure that Fred is still alive, I +listen to the explanation that a touch-down counts a certain number of +points, and gives the right to the side which wins it to try to kick a +goal. This attempt is presently made. A player lies on the ground and +holds the ball between his hands for another to kick. Presto! the +ball sails through the air; for an instant there is agonized suspense, +and then a shout from Yale. It has failed to go between the +goal-posts, and consequently has missed. +</P> + +<P> +"Four to nothing, anyway," says Sam. "That was a magnificent run. +Rah! rah! rah! Harvard." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine is wiping her eyes and everybody in our neighborhood is +nudging each other in consequence of the news that we are blood +relations of the hero of the hour. Mrs. Sloane nods her +congratulations, and Mrs. Walton signals with a crimson flag from the +adjoining section, and our beloved pastor smiles at Josephine in his +delightful way. +</P> + +<P> +And what follows? What follows is fierce and harrowing. What follows +continues to hold that great audience spellbound to the close. The +score is four to nothing in favor of Harvard; but the Yale team, +smarting from defeat, throw themselves into the ever-recurring +scrimmages with set faces. It is not my purpose to follow the contest +in detail. I am writing as a father and philosopher, and not as a +chronicler of athletic struggles. Suffice it to state that the +scrimmages grow still more savage and earnest, and that a player from +each side is obliged by the referee to retire from the field, because +he has slugged an opponent. Suffice it to state that presently a +rusher is obliged to retire from the field by reason of a sprained +ankle. It is not little Fred, but might it not have been? Suffice it +to state that by the end of the first three-quarters of an hour—let +the uninitiated here learn that a match is divided into two bouts of +that length each, with an interim of fifteen minutes—the Yale team, by +the most magnificent work (according to Sam Bangs), has forced the ball +steadily and surely toward the Harvard line, and won a touch-down and +kicked a goal, leaving the score for the first half six to four in +favor of the blue. Just after the ball has flown between the +goal-posts, amid thunders of triumph from our enemies, the umpire calls +time. +</P> + +<P> +Suffice it to state that the second three-quarters of an hour is +largely a repetition of the first—short, furious rushes, everlasting +scrimmages, and here and there a punt. The ruffians look still more +ruffianly from frequent contact with mother-earth and the clutches of +one another. Ominous gloom and depressing silence take possession of +the friends of Harvard; their very cheers are anxious, and with good +reason. Yale has kicked another goal from the field in the first +twenty minutes and the crimson is being gradually and steadily +outplayed. My heart bleeds for my son; he will be so disappointed if +he loses. And I shall be so happy when the game is over and I am sure +that he is not maimed for life. He is doing wonders still, dear boy. +Twice I see him lying flat and motionless on the field with the wind +stamped out of him, to borrow Sam's euphemism, while his mother +wriggles in her seat in the throes of uncertainty and is hardly to be +restrained from going to him. Twice, after the doctor has fumbled over +him and water has been dashed in his face, I see Sam's diagnosis +vindicated, and my half-back rise to his feet, and the game go on as +though nothing had happened. Such episodes are a matter of course, and +not to be taken too seriously. A broken rib or two is not a vital +matter, and only one rib is broken in the second three-quarters of an +hour. Even then the poor victim does not have to be carried off on a +litter, for he is able to walk with the help of the doctor and a +friend. It is not Fred; Fred has merely had the wind stamped out of +him a few times and is still doing wonders. Will it never end? I look +at my watch feverishly. The ball is close by the Harvard goal, and +Yale holds it there with the tenacity of a bull-dog. Bull-dog? They +are all bull-dogs—twenty-two bull-dogs cheek by jowl. +</P> + +<P> +"Isn't it magnificent?" murmurs Sam, looking back at me. "They have +outplayed us fairly and squarely. Only five minutes left, and the +score eleven to four against us. We're not in it. That run of Fred's +was the most brilliant play of the day, though." +</P> + +<P> +"The poor darling will be broken-hearted," whispers Josephine. +</P> + +<P> +"That is better than being broken-headed—better for us," I whisper in +reply. +</P> + +<P> +"I do hope he hasn't lost any of his front teeth. His mouth was +bleeding the last time he fell," continues his mother. +</P> + +<P> +"False ones nowadays are very satisfactory," I answer, +</P> + +<P> +Ten minutes later we are moving along with the rest of our acquaintance +on the way to the railroad. Yale has won, eleven to four, and the +bruised and battered players of both teams have departed on their +respective tally-hos, and Josephine and I are free to receive the +congratulations of our friends with a calm mind, though my darling is +still haunted by the fear that our illustrious son has left a tooth or +two on the arena. Fred's run is on everybody's lips, and we as the +authors of his being are made much of. Mr. Leggatt, the banker, works +his way up to me through the crowd at great personal distress, for he +is a fat man, in order to say, with an enthusiastic shake of the hand: +</P> + +<P> +"Great boy that of yours; splendid grit; I must have him when he +graduates." +</P> + +<P> +I sputter many thanks confusedly. Here is a strange development truly. +I had been hoping, as you may remember, to be able to go to Mr. +Leggatt, at Fred's graduation, and to ask for a clerkship for my boy on +the plea of his steadiness and sterling common sense; and now the +solicitation has come to me on the score of his grit as a foot-ball +kicker. The world seems just a little topsy-turvy, and I am not quite +sure whether to laugh or to cry. +</P> + +<P> +We got home at last somehow; and here I am sitting in my library trying +to collect my faculties and to appreciate the honor which has been +thrust upon me—the honor of being the father of a famous half-back. +To tell the truth, it sticks in my crop just a little and does not +relish to the extent which would seem appropriate. Indeed I am not +altogether sure whether I can see a distinction between being the +father of a famous half-back and the father of a famous toreador or +famous prize-fighter. I know that Leggatt and one or two others, to +whom I ventured to expose my qualms on the way home, declared them +preposterous, and that the game was magnificent discipline for both +mind and body. Come to that, the vicissitudes of a matador are +magnificent discipline for both mind and body. So are those of a +gladiator. Yet I have my doubts whether Leggatt would like to be the +father of either. Nevertheless, although he is a citizen of far +greater consideration than I, he gave me to understand that he would be +proud to be described in the newspapers as the father of a famous +half-back, and to see a son of his handed down to posterity in the +public prints as a prize animal of this description. +</P> + +<P> +I fear there must be a screw loose somewhere in my make-up as a father +and a philosopher. You remember the case of the burglars? It did not +seem to me worth while to go downstairs and expose myself to be shot. +Yet Josephine felt differently on the point. +</P> + +<P> +Moreover, I have never been able to understand why it is courageous or +meritorious to be an amateur Alpine climber, whereas many are fain to +admire the beauties of nature from an elevation where a false step or a +rotten rope would be passports to destruction. Then, again, people who +cross the ocean in dories, or fast for indefinite periods, have never +aroused my enthusiasm. On the contrary, I regard them as being in the +same general category with lunatics. I have never seen a bull-fight, +and I have sometimes fancied that I should be weak enough to attend one +out of curiosity if I happened to be in Spain at the right time; but I +am sure that I should never care to go twice. And yet I am expected to +feel proud and grateful because my eldest son has made prowess at +foot-ball the aim and object of his college course. I am trying to, +trying hard, but I fear it is no use. I should like to understand why +it is glorious or sensible for an honest, strapping fellow, who has +been sent to college by dint of some economy on the part of his +parents, to devote his entire energies to a course of training which +will entitle him to run the risk of having his legs, arms, or ribs +broken in fighting for a leather ball before several thousand people. +Of one thing I am certain already, even at the risk of seeming to agree +with Horace Plympton, which is, that if I had another son with like +proclivities, I should put a stop to it. +</P> + +<P> +But then, as Josephine reminds me, the fact that our David does not +care a picayune for anything of the sort, robs my resolve of much of +its solemnity. I might, to be sure, interpose a mandate at this late +hour and cut off little Fred in the flower of his renown, and (to quote +my wife once more) break his heart; which might be a more serious +consequence than a broken leg. No, I am inclined to think, on the +whole, now that the mischief is done, we may as well let him follow the +path he has chosen, especially as Leggatt has his eye on him and has +promised to give him a start. We must live in the hope that the breath +will not be trampled out of him once too often before that desirable +result is brought to pass. Moreover, if he is borne of the field on a +litter, it will not be in the presence of his parents. We have seen +one gladiatorial combat, and our thirst for gore is sated. +</P> + +<P> +Henceforth we shall be content to cower by the hearth on the days when +the great matches are played and fancy each ring at the door-bell the +summons of a telegraphic emissary. And by way of celebrating our first +escape from bereavement, I am going to present our David with a gold +watch for the excellent showing he made in his studies last summer. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap06"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +VI +</H3> + + +<P> +Little Fred has been graduated from college without the loss of his +front teeth or an eye. He has a few scars, which will not permanently +disfigure him; and though he halts slightly as the result of a strained +tendon in the calf of one of his legs, Dr. Meredith assures us that +this is chiefly a nervous symptom, which will pass off presently. He +says Fred is a little run down, and he advises raw eggs and milk +between meals. I assume that the doctor is right, but it seems strange +to me that a boy should get run down through foot-ball exercise. +However, he is to go abroad for six months, which ought to mend +matters, and then buckle down to work with Leggatt & Paine. He is an +honest, manly fellow, who will make friends, and, provided he does not +break his neck in following the hounds or playing polo, is likely to do +well. +</P> + +<P> +David, my second boy, is a born chemist and a genuine book-lover +besides. He is at the School of Science, to which we decided to send +him, instead of to college, in view of the fact that his proclivities +were in the line of gases and forces rather than Greek roots and +history. He is doing famously, I believe; and though I am a profound +ignoramus on such matters, I should not be at all surprised if he were +to make a name for himself early in life by some valuable discovery in +the electrical or bacillic line. He has lately made a test of all the +wall-papers and upholstery in our house, and discovered, to our dismay, +that there is arsenic in pretty nearly everything, including some of +the bed-sheets, which, strange to state, in spite of their innocent +appearance, proved to be particularly full of the deleterious poison. +We have had to overhaul everything in consequence, and Josephine firmly +believes that Fred's nervous halt is due to the presence of arsenic in +his system, for the bed-sheets in his college room belonged to the +condemned batch. Seeing that the rest of us are perfectly well, I +secretly suspect that late hours and tobacco are more to blame than +arsenic for my athletic son's condition; but in the teeth of scientific +warning I have not ventured to run the risk of continued exposure, and +have consented to the purchase of new carpets, curtains, window-shades, +and other household apparel. +</P> + +<P> +I am much more concerned, to tell the truth, lest some of the germs +which David is cosseting in his bed-chamber may get loose and ravage +the community. He has a bacillus farm, where, according to his +account, the cholera germ, the germ of tuberculosis, the typhoid-fever +germ, and the diphtheria germ are growing side by side for his private +edification. As Josephine says, there are certain risks which a brave +man has to take; but I am not sure that this is one of them. Even my +darling is a little anxious on the score of contamination, in spite of +her scientific son's assurance that his pets are thoroughly harmless. +</P> + +<P> +I do not really know whether Josephine is prouder of Fred or of David. +Certainly her mind is comparatively at rest regarding them both, +notwithstanding my second troy is not quite like other people. I do +not mean that he is boorish or eccentric, merely that he is bookish and +self-absorbed. He takes no interest in his personal appearance, and he +avoids every young woman except his sisters. Fred is dandified, keenly +fond of the social interests of the day and of the other sex. I +foresee that he bids fair to be a leading man of affairs, and to figure +prominently in society, and later on to become a member of Congress or +to be sent abroad as a foreign minister. But he is just like everybody +else, so to speak; or rather he accepts the world as he finds it and +accommodates himself to it. Now, David is cast in a different mould. +He is essentially unconventional. And yet, though his mother sighs now +and then over his repugnance to young ladies, and tries to badger him +into looking a little more spruce, I can perceive that she is +thoroughly proud of his originality and independence, and believes that +he is even more likely than his conventional brother to distinguish +himself and immortalize the family name. Josephine used to say, when +the boys were little, that she hoped one of them would be a clergyman, +and I know that she has more sympathy than I—and I have +considerable—with a scheme of life which entertains starving in a +garret for the sake of art or science as a meritorious contingency. +She has held up before her boys, since their earliest childhood, the +perils of idle and purely worldly living, and spurred them to make the +most of themselves. +</P> + +<P> +Curiously enough, our two girls are just as dissimilar to each other as +Fred and David. Josie, the elder—who, as I have already specified, +is, according to the world at large, the image of her mother at the +same age—will not be troublesome in the least degree, so my wife tells +me. She has taken to society as a duck takes to water. She has a +natural aptitude for pleasing and being pleased; consequently she has +plenty of partners. My wife says that, considering the dear child was +all legs and arms three years ago, we have every reason to congratulate +ourselves that she has turned out such a pleasant-looking girl, and +that her red hair is decidedly ornamental. I call her handsome, but +Josephine declares that I make myself ridiculous by the assertion, and +that it is very rare that a girl who has not really a ray of beauty to +commend her becomes such a thorough-going favorite in her first season. +</P> + +<P> +"She constantly reminds me of you, and that is enough for me," I +remarked, tenderly, on one occasion. +</P> + +<P> +"You make me boil when you say that, Fred. I was really a very pretty +girl, if I do say it; whereas Josie, the sweet soul, only just escapes +being homely. Her smile and her hair save her, so that she passes. +But it is a libel to compare her with what I was at her age. We must +look facts in the face, dear." +</P> + +<P> +"People tell me every day that she is the living image of her mother," +I answered humbly. +</P> + +<P> +"People are idiots. They know you will believe it because you are a +man. They don't dare tell me anything of the sort. No, Fred, we must +build all our hopes of beauty on Winona." +</P> + +<P> +"Ah!" I remarked, with an intonation of pride; "even her mother will +not be able to pick a flaw in <I>her</I>." +</P> + +<P> +"She is a very handsome girl, but——" +</P> + +<P> +Josephine stopped short, and I could see that her lip was trembling +with emotion. +</P> + +<P> +"There is no 'but,'" I protested. "Whatever Josie may be, Winona is a +raving beauty." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes, Fred, I am perfectly satisfied with her looks. That makes it +all the harder. I'm on tenterhooks lest she is going to be queer." +</P> + +<P> +"Queer?" I inquired, with agitation, dreading some disclosure of mental +derangement. +</P> + +<P> +"Odd—not like other people. It would break my heart, Fred. She is +seventeen, and she doesn't take the slightest interest in coming out. +You remember I had her appear for an hour at Josie's party, and that +she was surrounded by young men from the moment she entered the room +until I sent her to bed? Most girls would have been in danger of +having their heads turned. Winona was bored." +</P> + +<P> +"She will get over that as soon as she is a year older. She is shy." +</P> + +<P> +"She is not shy. If she were shy I should think nothing of it. She +declares that society is all nonsense, and that she wishes never to +come out at all." +</P> + +<P> +"What an egregiously sensible girl," I murmured. +</P> + +<P> +"I hope you will not encourage her, Fred," pleaded my darling. "I have +counted so much on her. If Josie had taken it into her head to be +queer, I shouldn't have said a word, for I think myself that is often +for a plain girl's happiness not to have to undergo the ordeal of being +neglected; but in the case of a beauty like Winona it would be such a +waste! There is not a girl of her age who compares with her in beauty." +</P> + +<P> +"What is it she wishes to do?" I asked, with a knitted brow. A man is +apt to leave the management of his own daughters to his wife, even +though he is a philosopher and prolific in theories. I had rather +taken it for granted that certain advanced notions of mine regarding +the conduct of women's lives would be allowed to lie dormant in my +brain for lack of an animating cause, or, more accurately speaking, for +lack of moral courage on my part to exploit them for the benefit of my +own flesh and blood. It is more satisfactory to try experiments in the +line of education on some one else's children. Besides, I had argued +that Josephine was the proper person to propose a departure from the +established method, in conformity with which conclusion I had paid out +a handsome round sum for a coming-out party and a social wardrobe for +my eldest girl. But now I felt in conscience bound to prick up my ears. +</P> + +<P> +"She doesn't know herself what she wishes to do," said my wife, +dejectedly. "She is daft on the subject of books and education." +</P> + +<P> +"Is not that rather to her credit?" I ventured to inquire. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine gazed at me as though my words had stung her. +</P> + +<P> +"Of course it is to her credit," she replied, almost fiercely. "You +know perfectly well, Fred, I have encouraged the girls to study and +cultivate their minds in every conceivable manner, and that I have +always said they should have equal advantages in the way of education +with their brothers so far as it was possible to procure them. I have +just told you that if Josie had wished to be a student and to go in for +a career of some kind, I should have been perfectly willing; yes, I +should have been glad. But it does seem hard that they should change +places, and the one who is a radiant beauty, and sure to be universally +admired, should take it into her head to cut loose from society. I +remember saying when she was christened that we were gambling with +Divine Providence in giving her such an individualizing name, for fear +she would grow up a fright. I little thought I was running the risk of +such a contingency as this." +</P> + +<P> +"It <I>is</I> hard, Josephine," I murmured, wishing to be sympathetic. "I +think, though, you are a little premature in taking it for granted that +Winona will not come round all right in the end." +</P> + +<P> +My darling shook her head. "She may consent to go about in order to +please me, but her heart will never be in it. Oh, I know!" she added, +with another outburst, as though she were arguing with an accusing +spirit, "that society is all very frivolous in theory and a waste of +time, and that the moralists and people who never had the chance to go +anywhere would tell me I ought to be thankful to have a daughter who +cares for something besides going to balls and dinner-parties and +flirting with young men. That's the way they would look at it; but +they might argue until they were black in the face and they couldn't +make me feel otherwise than disappointed. And, what is more, I believe +that Winona will be very sorry herself ten years hence if she +perseveres in her present determination." +</P> + +<P> +These last words were spoken by my wife almost tragically, and it was +evident to me that they proceeded from the heart. I am free to confess +that when Josephine gives utterance to opinions with so much +earnestness as this I cannot help feeling that there must be more or +less truth in them. She may be no philosopher, but she is a sensible +woman. And especially in a matter where another woman, and one of her +own flesh and blood, besides, is concerned, it would certainly seem as +though she would be apt to be right. This whole business of the +emancipation of woman is one well adapted to drive a philosopher, to +say nothing of the father of a family, crazy. Naturally I wish my +daughters to become all that they ought to be. On the other hand, if a +paterfamilias cannot trust his better half on this particular subject, +he may as well imitate the example of certain savage tribes, and make +mince-meat of the girls. Perhaps I seem to be worked up on the +subject? Well, I am. The din of the moralists, and of the people who +have never had a chance to go anywhere, is in my ears, and I cannot get +altogether rid of it. Let us start afresh and attack the question from +another point of view. +</P> + +<P> +There is no doubt, even to the average masculine mind, although the +possessor of the mind may not publish the fact on the house-tops, that +the most interesting product of this enlightened century is emancipated +woman. There are certain enthusiasts, though principally of the +emancipated sex, who are already so confident as to the rapid future +progress and ultimate glorious evolution of womankind that they are +ready to venture the prediction to people whom they think they can +trust, that sooner or later there will be no more men. Whether this +desirable result is to be brought about by the gradual extinction or +snuffing out of the hitherto sterner sex by a process of killing +kindness, or by the discovery of a system of generation whereby women +only will be procreated, is not foretold by these seers of the future; +accordingly, while one might not be warranted in dismissing the theory +as untenable, its fulfilment may fairly be regarded as a remote +expectancy, and consigned to the consideration of real philosophers. +</P> + +<P> +There is no doubt, though, that woman has been kept down for +generations, and has only just begun to bob up serenely, to hazard a +coloquial metaphor. The eyes of civilization are upon her, and there +is legitimate curiosity from Christiania to Yokohama to discover what +she is going to do. To me as a philosopher, and taking into account +one consideration with another, including Josephine's plaint, it seems +as though woman would have much plainer sailing in her progress toward +reconstruction if it were not that she is so exceedingly good-looking +in spots and bunches. Let her distinction as an ornamental factor be +totally negatived and overcome, and there is no telling how rapidly she +might progress. By ornament, I mean, of course, not merely beauty of +face and form, but sweetness of speech, delicacy of physique and +sentiment, captivating clothes, and all those distinguishing +characteristics which have tended to fasten upon the female sex the +epithet of gentle. It will generally be admitted that women of homely +presence, clumsy in their gait, dowdy in their dress, and raucous in +their intonation, are much safer from the infliction of gallantries at +the hands or lips of mortal men than those whose attributes are more +pleasing; and it is safe to assert that many a male monster has been +rooted to his seat in street-cars by the coldly intellectual eye of +some not altogether able-bodied feminine person. The recent victories +all along the line of women over men in examination-rooms, and their +more or less successful ventures in the fields of law, medicine, and +newspaper enterprise, would be more appalling to man and encouraging to +the progressionists, but for the obstinate though obvious adhesion of +the great mass of woman-kind to the trick bequeathed to them by their +great-great-grandmothers of trying to look as well as they can. And +the terrible part of it is they succeed so wonderfully that +philosophers like myself are apt to find our ratiocinations wofully +mixed when we try to reason about the matter. +</P> + +<P> +You remember, perhaps, that Josephine induced me earlier in our wedded +life to give a large party for her sister Julia? Within a year I have +submitted to a similar domestic upheaval on account of my elder +daughter, and I do not think that it can be said that I acquitted +myself in either case malignantly or even morosely. Indeed, though +this is not strictly relevant to the discussion, my wife informed me +after Josie's party was over that I had behaved like an angel. Now, my +sister-in-law, Julia, is still unmarried, and she cannot be far from +thirty. As I reflected at the time she came out, she is less comely +than my wife and not so sagacious, but she is decidedly an attractive +girl. She has had every advantage in the line of social +entertainments, and every opportunity to meet available young men. She +has waltzed all winter and been successively to Bar Harbor and Newport +in summer. She has been to Europe so as to let people forget her and +to reappear as a novelty, and she has altered the shape of her hair +twice to my individual observation. Yet somehow she hangs fire. I am +informed by Josephine, in strict confidence, that she has had offers +and might have been married to at least one eminently desirable man +before this had she seen fit to accept him; but I tell my darling that +though the consciousness of what might have been may be a legitimate +consolation to her and to her sister, it does not controvert the bald +fact that Julia is still unmarried at the end of ten years of social +divagations. +</P> + +<P> +I do not mean that Julia may not marry. Very likely she will. She +certainly ought to if she has the desire; and she has time enough yet +if the right man only thinks so. It is rather on the system I am +pondering than on the individual, though the vision of Josie at thirty +unwedded, and a little hard and worn, haunts my retina and makes me +feel philosophical. Away down in the bottom of my boots or my soul, or +wherever a man can most safely harbor a secret reflection, has long +lain a feeling of wonder that the world continues to put its daintiest, +most cherished, and most carefully tended daughters through the +peculiar social programme in vogue. Is it not bewilderingly true that +every young woman of position and manners in Christendom, be her father +a Knight of the Garter or a Congressman, her mother an azure-blooded +countess or the ambitious better half of a retired grocer, finds on the +threshold of life only one course open to her if she desires to be +conventional, and to do what is naturally expected of her? From twelve +to eighteen instruction—and in these latter days exemplary +instruction—Latin, Greek, if there is a craving for it, history, +psychology, chemistry, political economy, to say nothing of the modern +languages and special courses in summer in botany, conchology, and +physiology. And then, dating from a long anticipated day, or rather +night, a metamorphosis startling as the transition of the cocoon; a +formal letting loose of the finished maiden on the polished parquet +floor of the social arena. Tra-la-la-la-la! Tra-la-la-la-la! Off she +whirls to the rythm of a Strauss waltz or a blood-stirring polka, and +for the next four years, on an average, she never stops, metaphorically +speaking. She may not always be waltzing or polkaing, but if she is +conventionally sound she is sure to be in a whirl. She exchanges +daylight for gaslight; her daily sustenance is stewed mushrooms with a +rich gray gravy, beef-tea, and ice-cream, varied by an occasional +mouthful of fillet as a conscience composer. All winter she +participates in a feverish round of balls, receptions, luncheons, +dinners, teas, theatre parties, with every now and then a wedding. All +summer she sails, floats, glides, sits, perches, sprawls, walks, +meanders, talks, climbs, rides, saunters, or dances madly as her mood +or circumstances suggest. There is her life, varying a little +according to clime and disposition, according to whether she is +daughter of a duke or of a successful grocer. It is what everyone +expects of her, so no one is surprised; and she is expected also to +keep up the pace until she is married, which is likely to come to pass +any day, but which, as in the case of poor Julia, may not be until she +is thirty. Fancy living on mushrooms with a rich gray gravy and +successively waltzing, meandering, or floating with the Tom, Dick, and +Harry of the workaday social world from eighteen to thirty! And yet we +fathers and philosophers ask ourselves why in thunder (or even more +vehemently) our daughters have nervous prostration. Why should they? +And yet I hear Josephine ask, for the discussion is uppermost in our +thoughts at the moment: +</P> + +<P> +"Do you wish Winona to become a second Miss Jacket?" +</P> + +<P> +Let me explain that Miss Jacket, Miss Cora Jacket, M.D., lives opposite +to us, and has for some months been a serious menace to the happiness +of Josephine, in that my wife declares that the wretch is poisoning our +Winona's mind. The charge startled me seriously when it was broached, +but I have been trying to consider dispassionately whether the injury +likely to be worked will be greater than that consequent upon a +continuous fare of mushrooms with rich gray gravy and flirtation. +Winona and Miss Cora Jacket, M.D., are certainly thicker than thieves; +hence a pardonable lurking suspicion in Josephine's mind that the older +woman is seeking to induce the beauty of our family to study medicine. +Dr. Jacket must be thirty—just about the age of my sister-in-law. To +me she appears to be a trig, energetic little woman, rather pretty and +rather well dressed, and though she seems intelligent there is nothing +especially frigid or forbidding in her eye. Its intellectuality is not +forced upon one. I have found her so attractive that I ventured to +insinuate, by way of answer to my wife's expostulation, that Winona +might do much worse than model herself on Miss Cora Jacket, M.D. This +drew upon my head the vial of Josephine's righteous wrath. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, Fred, just stop and think for one moment," she said. "I have not +a word to say against Miss Jacket. I have no doubt she is a most +worthy young woman and an excellent physician, though I should never +care to consult her myself. But that is neither here nor there. Do +you happen to know what Miss Jacket's antecedents were, and what her +life has been?" +</P> + +<P> +I shook my head droopingly. +</P> + +<P> +"She was born in Ohio, and was left an orphan, and practically +unprovided for, at an early age. She was helped by kind friends—all +this is from her own lips—until she was old enough to help herself by +teaching, and then, by some means or other, she came East and studied +medicine, and made the start for herself that you see. All of which, I +beg to anticipate you in saying, is marvellously to her credit. She is +plainly a brilliant and capable young woman of whom any mother might be +proud, provided she had to be. But because it was creditable and +sensible in Miss Jacket to make the most of herself in that particular +way, you surely would not advocate that the daughters of the Princess +of Wales and the Empress of Germany should do the same." +</P> + +<P> +"I should certainly advocate their doing something useful," I said in +my dogged fashion. "Besides, Winona is the daughter neither of the +Princess of Wales nor the Empress of Germany." +</P> + +<P> +"No, she is not," said Josephine, in a tone which seemed to imply that +she was grateful for the escape. After all, who of us to-day would +give a rush to be a king or queen? What successful business or +professional man would exchange the exquisite comfort of the domestic +hearth and all the magazines for the prerogatives of royalty? I +understand perfectly what Josephine wished to express, and agreed with +her on the point. Her daughters, save for a little pomp and +circumstance, were practically the peers of any and all princesses. +</P> + +<P> +"Just consider, for a moment, Winona and Miss Jacket side by side," +Josephine continued. "Don't you see any difference between them?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, of course, Winona is an unusually handsome girl," I murmured. +"Besides, she is younger." +</P> + +<P> +"Younger!" groaned Josephine, evidently believing me hopeless. "Do you +really, seriously think, Fred, that they are to be mentioned in the +same breath as ladies?" +</P> + +<P> +I rather think I looked foolish and twiddled my fingers. +</P> + +<P> +"If," said Josephine, with an emphasis on the conjunction, and +repeating it still more emphatically, "if it were necessary I would not +say a word. If Winona were one of seven girls, I should be sorry, but +I would not say a word. If it had been Josie, I should have been +rather pleased—which shows, Fred, that I am not altogether hostile to +the spirit of the age. But I am not prepared as yet to see my only +really handsome daughter—and such a handsome one, Fred—fly in the +face of convention and custom merely—merely to please Miss Jacket and +the people who never have a chance to go anywhere." +</P> + +<P> +All Josephine's combativeness and pride of opinion seemed to ooze +suddenly away, and she buried her face on my shoulder, murmuring— +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes, the whole system of society for girls is ridiculous and +degenerating. I know it, I know it perfectly well. I don't approve of +it, I never have approved of it. I wonder that so many come out of it +as well as they do. And they are not content as in my day to be merely +giddy; they go in now for smoking cigarettes and drinking liqueurs +after dinner, and some of them paint their faces. Not all of them, of +course, not one-tenth of them; Josie will never do anything of the +kind. I ought, though, to be thankful, heartily thankful, if Winona +prefers to stay away from all this and to develop worthy tastes of her +own. She shall do what she pleases, Fred, only——" +</P> + +<P> +My darling stopped short as though she had concluded not to complete +her sentence. She gulped bravely and lifted her eyes to mine. +</P> + +<P> +"Kiss me, dear," she whispered. "I am not really so worldly as you +think." +</P> + +<P> +"You are an angel, and will never be anything else to me," I responded, +stroking her hair. +</P> + +<P> +She lay still for a moment, happy but pensive. "She shall do whatever +she pleases; only it is a very much easier matter for you to be +virtuous and to say, 'Let her study medicine,' than for me." +</P> + +<P> +"I have not said so, dearest." +</P> + +<P> +"You have thought so, though. You do not need to speak to have me know +when you are thinking things. No man can possibly conceive what it +means to a mother to have a daughter a radiant beauty and peculiar." +</P> + +<P> +"I dare say not," I murmured, humbly. +</P> + +<P> +"Especially," she continued, reflectively, "when you consider that, +though society is foolish, there is really nothing else at present to +take its place to give a girl what nothing else is likely to give +her—I do not say nothing else can give it to her, but nothing else is +in the least likely to; and when you consider the vast number of wives +and mothers who have been through it all when they were young, and are +charming and—yes, Fred, sensible, intelligent women to-day. I don't +pretend that I myself am half what I might have been, but I went +through it all as a girl without becoming absolutely vapid and +volatile. Didn't I, dear?" +</P> + +<P> +"You certainly did, Josephine. If Winona turns out your equal I shall +be more than satisfied." +</P> + +<P> +"Thank you, dear, but you mustn't say it. I do wish her to have more +mind. My mind was more or less neglected; but, on the other hand, +Fred, I never had the opportunity to be peculiar, for there was no +chance to be in those days. Now the disease is liable to break out in +any family. All we can do, Fred, is to remember that we are growing +old, and to trust that the world of to-day is wiser than we." +</P> + +<P> +"Amen!" I murmured. +</P> + +<P> +And yet the consciousness that Josephine passed through it all and is +what she is, makes me feel a little doubtful still on the score of the +new dispensation, in spite of the mushrooms with rich gray gravy. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap07"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +VII +</H3> + + +<P> +My daughter Winona has become a Christian Scientist, and Josephine says +I have only myself to blame in that I encouraged her to model herself +upon Miss Jacket. This strikes me as a little harsh, seeing that Miss +Jacket, M.D., is a regular practitioner in the allopathic line, whereas +Winona declares that the science of medicine is all nonsense, for the +excellent reason that there is no such thing as disease. When I used +this argument as a defence, Josephine regarded me scornfully, and +remarked that the pair were practically one in ideas, and that it was +futile of me to split straws on such a point. Ye gods and little +fishes! Is it, forsooth, splitting straws to maintain that there can +be no sympathy of soul between a woman doctor who takes you at your +word and administers castor-oil to cure your stomach-ache and one who +elevates her nose and vows that you haven't one? +</P> + +<P> +"You can't make fish of one and flesh of another," continued my wife, +majestically. "The mischief was done when they walked arm-in-arm for +weeks together while they were becoming intimate. It makes little +difference, it seems to me, as to the precise nature of the +development. If Winona hadn't embraced (as she calls it) Christian +Science, she would in all probability have worn bloomers, in which case +I should not have held Dr. Cora Jacket guiltless merely because that +young woman continued to wear petticoats. Neither do I in the present +emergency. Who was it introduced Winona to Mrs. Titus, I should like +to know?" +</P> + +<P> +"Was Miss Jacket responsible for that?" I inquired, respectfully, not +venturing to contest further the soundness of my wife's logic in her +present excited frame of mind. +</P> + +<P> +"She was indeed, and it is very little consolation to me that she +professes to be sorry for it now." Josephine tapped her foot with a +worried air, which found voice presently in a laugh born of sheer +desperation. "Isn't it perfectly ludicrous, Fred? Do you realize what +the child wishes to do?" +</P> + +<P> +"I understood you to state that she wishes to enter upon a crusade to +show that all our aches and pains are hallucinations. There ought to +be a fortune in that, my dear, compared with which the profits from +David's electrical discovery will pale into insignificance." +</P> + +<P> +"This is no laughing matter, Fred. She is intensely in earnest; her +heart is set upon the plan, and there is no use in arguing with her. +She simply looks calm and tells you that you don't know." +</P> + +<P> +I scratched my head and pondered. My younger daughter's plan, as it +had been unfolded to me, was this: She proposed to set up as a +practitioner of Christian Science in partnership with another young +woman of the same faith. They were to cure disease apparently by dint +of assuring their patients that because there is no such thing as +matter, nothing could be the matter with any one. Their instructress, +Mrs. Titus, had demonstrated the truth of this theory by a varied line +of cures, and they had been encouraged by her to go on with the good +work. Had I any objection to the scheme? +</P> + +<P> +"Perhaps I had better talk the matter over with her and try to bring +her to her senses," I remarked. +</P> + +<P> +"I wish you joy of the experience," said my wife, with a wry smile. +"She is like a seraph in her serenity, and I might just as well have +been talking to a stone wall for all the effect my words seemed to +have. Of course you can prevent her; she understands that; but I +should like to see you alter her opinion." +</P> + +<P> +I concluded to try. Accordingly, I summoned Winona to the library that +evening, and we were closeted with folded doors, as the phrase is, for +an hour and a half. Being a father I was desirous naturally to be +judicious and yet sympathetic; being a philosopher, I was willing to be +enlightened if I was ignorant. My son David had demonstrated to me +that a young germ of tuberculosis has all the engaging attractiveness +of a six months' old baby; perhaps it had been reserved for my daughter +to prove to me that I had never had constitutional headaches. If so, +what an amount of unnecessary misery I had undergone from sheer lack of +knowledge! +</P> + +<P> +Conventional conceptions are slow to relax their grip even when one's +reason is prepared to discard them as out-worn. I am not giving +utterance in this sententious fashion to distrust in allopathy; I +simply am thinking of the qualms which persisted in harrowing my soul +as I gazed upon my very beautiful daughter, and tried to feel proud +that she was endeavoring to do something useful. My associations with +lovely women are so intimately associated with the ball-room floor and +the purlieus of polite society, that, in spite of my secret sympathy +with the progress of the sex, I could not completely school my mental +machinery so as to exclude a lurking regret that such arrant good looks +were to be wasted upon people who had nothing the matter with them, and +who would, perhaps, be slow in recognizing the fact. I was even weak +enough to remark: +</P> + +<P> +"Winona, my dear, you look this evening handsome enough to eat." +</P> + +<P> +As Christian Scientists are said to harbor the belief that, owing to +the non-existence of matter, looks of any kind are a delusion and +snare, for the reason that individuals do not really exist, but are +merely so many reflections of the one eternal and immutable existence, +just as the various reflections in a stream are often but the +continuous duplication of some single incandescent jet, it was scarcely +to be expected that my darling daughter would fall a victim to the lure +which I held out to her. She had the goodness to smile a ghost of a +smile, but it was evident that the speech interested her very little. +Before settling down to the business in hand I could not help, however, +saying to myself that, if I were a young man, I should fall down and +worship before this particular shrine, Christian Science and delusion +to the contrary notwithstanding. Then I said, with as much cheer as I +could muster: +</P> + +<P> +"And so you wish to practise medicine, Winona?" +</P> + +<P> +"Not medicine, father. It is Christian Science." +</P> + +<P> +"Excuse me. But are not Christian Scientists doctors?" +</P> + +<P> +"We do not give medicine." +</P> + +<P> +"But you cure sick people?" +</P> + +<P> +Winona shook her head and smiled sweetly. "There are no sick people," +she said, with quiet decision. +</P> + +<P> +"Then why are there so many physicians?" +</P> + +<P> +"If people had the requisite faith, there would be no more physicians." +</P> + +<P> +"Only Christian Scientists." +</P> + +<P> +My daughter looked at me no less sweetly because of my taunt, and +responded: +</P> + +<P> +"In time we shall all be able to heal ourselves. It is simply a +question of strength and degree. Some of us have more power than +others at present, but as the world grows the number of those +sufficient unto themselves will increase." +</P> + +<P> +"What makes you think so?" +</P> + +<P> +"I know it, father." +</P> + +<P> +"From Mrs. Titus?" +</P> + +<P> +"Mrs. Titus knows it too; but I know it not merely because she knows +it, but because I can feel that it is so." +</P> + +<P> +"But, my dear child, surely you do not mean to tell me that if I were +to have typhoid fever, I shouldn't have it?" +</P> + +<P> +"I know that you would think you had it." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, supposing I died, wouldn't I be dead?" +</P> + +<P> +Winona hesitated for an instant, but it was only in order to avoid +committing herself to one heresy while seeking to avoid another. "You +would be dead, though perhaps not as we now understand being dead. You +would not have died of typhoid fever, but of the belief that you were +suffering from typhoid fever induced by the hallucination of error." +</P> + +<P> +"I see," I answered, though to tell the truth I did not, and it was +very evident to me that Winona thought so too, for her serene smile +revealed just a tinge of amusement. Even a real philosopher would be +apt to feel nettled were he to suspect that he was making himself +ridiculous in the eyes of his most beautiful daughter. I said a little +sternly: +</P> + +<P> +"I wish you would explain to me, in the first place, what you mean by +saying that I might not be dead as we now understand being dead." +</P> + +<P> +Winona folded her hands. "I said that, father, because we Christian +Scientists are not yet certain as to what is the precise nature of +death. There are some who deem death also an hallucination, and the +apparent annihilation of matter consequent upon it merely a reflex +confirmation of the truth that there is no matter, only spirit; and it +may well be that as the world grows in faith, death will disappear in +that we shall cease to think we see matter. Mrs. Titus holds this +view, but I am not yet sufficiently free from error to be sure that I +believe it." +</P> + +<P> +"But you are sure you believe that I should not have typhoid fever?" +</P> + +<P> +"Perfectly." +</P> + +<P> +"But what if the doctors said I had?" +</P> + +<P> +"They would be mistaken, father." +</P> + +<P> +I stroked my chin in order to bridle my tongue. "How old are you, +Winona?" I asked. +</P> + +<P> +"Just eighteen, father." +</P> + +<P> +"You have never studied medicine, I believe?" +</P> + +<P> +"No." +</P> + +<P> +"Nor had any special advantages or opportunities to investigate the +nature of disease?" +</P> + +<P> +"Only through Mrs. Titus." +</P> + +<P> +"Precisely. And yet you are willing to call yourself wiser than the +men who have devoted their lives to its study—the physicians of +London, Paris, Berlin, and Vienna, to say nothing of those of New York +and Boston." +</P> + +<P> +A faint flush overspread Winona's face. "The doctors have been +mistaken many times before, father. You remember Harvey and the +circulation of the blood. The doctors laughed at him at first." +</P> + +<P> +"But Harvey was a trained student of medicine; you are a school-girl." +</P> + +<P> +"Mrs. Titus is not a school-girl." +</P> + +<P> +"Has she ever studied medicine?" +</P> + +<P> +"I think not. But as disease is simply human error, we consider the +study of medicine a waste of time. Our faith teaches us that +everything which doctors call illness is merely a clouding of truth in +the soul by error." +</P> + +<P> +"And how do you cure your patients who suffer from the error of typhoid +fever?" +</P> + +<P> +"By the restoration of truth and their faith in truth." +</P> + +<P> +"By what active means? What do you do?" +</P> + +<P> +"We think of them. We bring our minds to bear upon the error in their +minds." +</P> + +<P> +"Is that all?" +</P> + +<P> +"It is sufficient, father. Mrs. Titus has effected wonderful cures by +this means only." +</P> + +<P> +"Does she cure all her patients?" +</P> + +<P> +"When she does not cure them, it is because error has blinded them to +the perception of truth. If all could perceive truth, there would be +no more error; and, as it is, there are many who cannot perceive as yet +even faintly." +</P> + +<P> +"And this is all?" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, provided you understand." +</P> + +<P> +"I understand the fundamental truth to be that matter does not exist." +</P> + +<P> +"It does not." +</P> + +<P> +"So that even our bodies are a sham." +</P> + +<P> +"We believe that our bodies exist, but they do not really." +</P> + +<P> +"Then why do you believe it?" +</P> + +<P> +"I do not believe it, but I am not yet conscious that my body does not +exist. I hope to be some day, yet very likely I shall never be. Mrs. +Titus is conscious of the truth at times." +</P> + +<P> +"Why do you say 'at times?'" +</P> + +<P> +"Because she is still somewhat sensitive to the error of heat and cold. +She considers this a weakness, and she is willing to admit that she is +not wholly free from error. You see, Mrs. Titus is a perfectly +reasonable woman, father. I am sure you would think so, if you could +hear her talk. I heard her questioned the other day on that very point +of susceptibility to cold. Some one asked—and asked in a scoffing +spirit, father: 'Supposing you were to go out-doors, Mrs. Titus, with +nothing on, when the thermometer was below zero, should you feel cold?' +Her answer was: 'I fear I should, though I ought not to. It is +possible that after a while I might be proof against the weakness, but +in all probability I should never be able to overcome it. It is simply +a question of time, though, when Christian Science is able to subdue +this error.' Was that not unassumingly and beautifully put, father?" +</P> + +<P> +"Quite unlike the brutal dogmatism of the regular practitioner, who +would be apt to recommend a strait-jacket for the individual who should +venture to brave the rigor of our New England climate without a stitch +of clothing." +</P> + +<P> +Although I spoke with a sober and sympathetic mien, my beautiful +daughter plainly distrusted the sincerity of my words. Her great brown +eyes regarded me mournfully, and it seemed to me there was pity in +them—pity for her poor benighted parent. She said, sweetly and softly: +</P> + +<P> +"You must not make sport of Christian Science, father. It has done a +great deal of good already. Besides, Mrs. Titus did not do anything of +the kind. There is nothing in the least sensational about her." +</P> + +<P> +"And you wish to follow in her footsteps, my dear? +</P> + +<P> +"I should like to try to." +</P> + +<P> +"And what if I should forbid you to do anything of the sort?" +</P> + +<P> +Winona's cheek flushed and her eyes dropped a little in the face of my +appearance of sternness, but she answered with the same ineffable +sweetness, as though she were seeking to impress upon me that +persecution could not ruffle the temper of one of her faith. "I should +have to give up the plan, of course. But," she murmured, "I should +still be a Christian Scientist. I could not help being one, you know." +</P> + +<P> +If you ask me why I did not remand her to afternoon teas and the +mantua-makers, or advise her to allay her skipping spirit with some +cold drops of philanthropy, I fear that I could not give a very +satisfactory explanation. I am not, and I never shall be, a Christian +Scientist, notwithstanding my beauty of a daughter declares that she +can cure the proletariat of coughs, colics, and fevers simply by +thinking about them. It was Josephine, not I, who remarked, after the +matter was settled, and Winona had begun to keep office hours, that on +the whole it was less dreadful than if she had become an actress or +joined a settlement of the Toynbee Hall variety, for the reason that +she still remained at home, and we had not wholly lost our hold upon +her. Evidently Josephine regards her behavior as a passing phase which +will sooner or later wear off and leave her more like other people, and +she considers the actual practice of Christian Science rather less +demoralizing, from a conventional point of view, than some other forms +of revolt. I can see what she means. However honorable her +intentions, a woman who has knocked about on the stage for half a dozen +years is likely to have her perspective of life enlarged to such an +extent that she can behold without winking many things which are +carefully hidden from the general run of the sex, and the consequence +is that she is apt to refuse to wear blinders for the rest of her +existence. So, too, it can be safely predicated that continuous +exalted fellowship with the dregs of the population on the part of +women weaned from the lap of luxury, and a consequent sacrifice of +almost every form of creature comfort, barring a tooth-brush, a small +piano, a few books, and an etching or two, will be likely to create a +sterner and sterner disrelish for the ice-cream and mushrooms vista of +life at the end of which stands a husband with a newly furnished house +and an ample income. My wife is ready to admit that purely from the +point of view of common sense she would have preferred to have the +child do almost anything peculiar rather than engage in her present +mummery, because some people will consider her crazy; but, on the other +hand, she maintains that the chances of losing her altogether are much +less serious than if she had become a Toynbee Haller, for instance. +"Mind you," said Josephine, "however much I might have fumed, I should +really have been very, very proud if she had gone in for that. I can +imagine, if you once got used to the idea, feeling quite as happy over +it as if one's son had become a clergyman, which of course," she added, +meditatively, "is a peculiar kind of happiness not just like any other. +But it would have meant separation forever, to all intents and +purposes, for I am too old to change my interests now, however much I +may disapprove of them in theory, and though I should very likely go in +for something of the same kind in case I were to begin life over again. +But I don't feel as though this Christian Science were more than a +temporary craze; and being just the ordinary every-day woman I am, I +cannot help welcoming the possibility that Winona in course of time +will come to her senses. It may be selfish of me, but I can't help it." +</P> + +<P> +Now, I do not regard the matter from quite such a personal point of +view as Josephine, though I agree with her that I should not have +picked out Christian Science as the most desirable loop-hole of escape +from the trammels of convention. To be sure, as Josephine says, it is +her loss rather than mine, for a father is much less completely +estranged from a daughter who is peculiar than is a mother, in that the +bond of clothes and parties and all the hitherto traditional tastes of +woman does not exist between a father and daughter. Hence it is +probably much easier for me to look at the matter philosophically than +it is for Josephine. Accordingly, though I laugh in my sleeve at the +solemn pretensions of my dear deluded daughter, and am more or less +uncomfortable in consequence of my consciousness that all the sensible +people of my acquaintance are laughing at her also, I am inclined to +watch her progress with a sympathy which includes the hope that she +will work out of her present state of lunacy into a more practical +field, rather than that she will relapse into the stereotyped woman +whom we all know. When, however, Josephine asked me the other day to +specify the field, I was obliged to admit that my ideas were a trifle +hazy. My state of mind doubtless proceeds from a rooted conviction +that the emancipation of woman has only just begun, and a certain +sympathetic curiosity with her each and every effort to advance. To +realize her progress, I have only to glance up at my ancestor with the +mended eye and consider what a doll and a toy she was to him. Then I +look at my wife, who was brought up on the old system, and say to +myself that, unless indeed, man is to be utterly snuffed out and +extinguished, there are certain feminine characteristics in the +preservation of which he is deeply interested, even when, like myself, +he is at heart an aider and abettor of emancipation. No more +gingerbread education, no more treatment as dolls and nincompoops, no +more discrimination between one sex and the other as to knowledge of +this world's wickedness, no more curtailment of personal liberty on the +score of that bugaboo, propriety—all these, if you like, ladies; but +we men, we fathers and philosophers, ask that you retain, for our +sakes, beauty of face and form, beauty of raiment, low, modulated +voices, and a graceful carriage, faith, hope, and charity, even though +you continue to reveal these last-named as at present with sweet, +illogical inconsequence. More than this, we cannot do without the +tender devotion, the unselfish forethought, the aspiring faith, which, +even though we seem to mock and to be blind, saves us from the world +and from ourselves. If you are to become merely men in petticoats, +what will become of us? We shall go down, down, down, like the leaden +plummet cast into the depths of the sea. We shall be snuffed out and +extinguished in sober truth. Hence, certain that the work of +emancipation is to continue, my philosophical glance follows fondly and +almost proudly the course of my second daughter, who is making a fool +of herself at the moment by practising Christian Science, because she +has beauty and grace and a knowledge of the value of colors, purity and +tenderness and aspiring faith, as her mother had before her, while at +the same time she has forsaken the beaten path of convention and turned +her brow to the morning. All of which, Josephine informs me, is +charming reasoning, provided Winona does not fall in love with +somebody. I do not understand the precise logic of this criticism; +but, on the other hand, Josephine is very apt to know what she is +talking about. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap08"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +VIII +</H3> + + +<P> +I came home one afternoon with a puckered brow. +</P> + +<P> +"Has the Supreme Court decided another case against you?" asked +Josephine, with solicitude. +</P> + +<P> +I shook my head, and answered wearily: "Worse than that." +</P> + +<P> +My wife regarded me in anxious silence, while manifestly she was +cudgelling her brains to divine what could have happened. As she told +me afterward, she imagined, from my doleful air, that I must at least +have a seed in my little sac. +</P> + +<P> +"They have asked me to run for Congress in this district," I finally +vouchsafed to state. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine dropped her fancy-work and sat upright with an air of +satisfaction which was wholly out of keeping with my own dejected mien. +</P> + +<P> +"Really, Fred! Who has asked you? The Governor?" +</P> + +<P> +"The Governor does not usually go round on his bended knees asking +candidates to run for Congress," I answered, with mild sarcasm. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, the Mayor then?" +</P> + +<P> +I have labored for years to make plain to Josephine the ramifications +of our National, State, and Municipal Government; but just as I am +beginning to think that she understands the matter tolerably well, she +is sure to break out in some such hopeless fashion as this, which shows +that her conceptions are still crookeder than a ram's horn. And the +strangest part is that she can tell you all about the English +Parliament and Home Rule, and whether any given statesman is a Liberal +or a Liberal Unionist, and about M. Clemenceau and the relative +strength of the Bonapartists and Orleans factions. But when it comes +to distinguishing clearly between an Alderman and a State Senator, or a +Member of Congress and a Member of the Legislature, she is apt to get +exasperatingly muddled. I asked her once, in my most impressive +manner, why it was that she did not take a more vital interest in the +politics of her native country, and after reflecting a moment, she told +me that she thought it must be because they were so stupid. On the +other hand, with apparent inconsistency, she has many times expressed +the hope that I would some day be conspicuously connected with them. I +have been conscious for some time that it would suit her admirably to +have me round off my professional career as Speaker of the National +House of Representatives or Minister to the Court of St. James. +</P> + +<P> +"Josephine," I said, in a tone of despair, "have I not explained to you +time and time again that Members of Congress are the Representatives +from the several States who are sent to Washington? How could the +Governor, who is a State officer, or the Mayor, who is a municipal +officer, have anything to do with the nomination of a Member of the +National House of Representatives? Only think, dear, what you are +saying." +</P> + +<P> +Probably Josephine would have evinced more contrition in tribute to +this harangue had not her ears been fascinated by my reference to the +Capital of our country. +</P> + +<P> +"It <I>was</I> stupid of me, Fred. Do you mean to tell me, dear, they are +going to send you to Washington? That would be perfectly delightful." +</P> + +<P> +"I merely have been asked to accept the nomination for Congress in the +Fourth District," I answered, dryly. +</P> + +<P> +"And what did you tell them?" +</P> + +<P> +"I said I would think it over." +</P> + +<P> +"You must accept. Of course you will accept? It would be splendid, +Fred. I would a great deal rather have you in Congress than go on our +trip to Japan. I have often thought I should like to pass a winter in +Washington." +</P> + +<P> +By dint of economy and some shrewd investments I had managed to save up +a vacation fund of more than normal size, by means of which Josephine +and I were proposing to enjoy a jaunt to Japan. We had been looking +forward to this excursion, which I felt that we had fairly earned by +strict devotion to home and business ties for a long period of years. +</P> + +<P> +"The district is hopelessly Republican, in the first place, my dear, +and I, as you know, am a Democrat." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine looked grave for a moment. "But a great many Republicans +would vote for you, Fred. Oh, I am sure they would!" she added, +eagerly, impressed by the plausibility of the idea. "Harry Bolles is a +Republican, and I am certain he would vote for you; so would Dr. +Meredith and Sam Bangs." +</P> + +<P> +"They are three out of several thousand voters in the district, +Josephine. You argue like the committee which waited upon me." +</P> + +<P> +"They said a great many Republicans would vote for you, didn't they? +And they thought you would be elected?" +</P> + +<P> +"They were kind enough to state that I had a good fighting chance; +which means, my dear, that I haven't the ghost of a show." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine regarded me a moment distrustfully. "It doesn't seem to me +there is any use in being too modest about such a matter as this, Fred. +Somebody has to be elected, and it might as well be you as anybody. I +have always hoped you would go into politics, you know. If they hadn't +wanted you they wouldn't have asked you." +</P> + +<P> +"The only certain thing about it is, that, if they had supposed I could +possibly be elected, they wouldn't have offered me the nomination." +</P> + +<P> +"What do you mean, Fred? I call that mock modesty, darling." +</P> + +<P> +I did not consider that I was called upon to unfold more particularly +to my wife the cynical estimate of the case which I entertained in my +secret soul, especially in view of the fact that the committee which +had waited upon me comprised not merely politicians, but some of our +best citizens. Although a man who is invited to run for Congress in a +district hopelessly hostile is likely to cherish secret suspicions as +to the sincerity of those who offer him the nomination, the bait of +self-sacrifice for the public good has lured many a cleverer man than I +to his destruction. Besides, a fighting chance invariably seems more +prodigious to the one who is said to have it, than to anyone else. +There were certainly weak joints in the armor (an analogy supplied me +by the committee) of my opponent, who was a dyed-in-the-wool +politician, and indisputably I had a great many friends. Could I +afford to disregard the piteous, eloquent argument of the spokesman, +Honorable David Flint, that the sacred cause of Reform demanded me as +its champion, and that victory was possible only under my banner? I +had promised to think it over, which was a coy way of stating that I +would accept. Having made up my mind to run, I was obliged to tell +Josephine that this would mean good-by for many a long and weary month +to our jaunt. +</P> + +<P> +"If you're elected, Fred, I shall be only too glad to postpone it. And +if by any chance you don't get in, we'll forget all about it in dear +Japan." +</P> + +<P> +"You do not quite understand the situation, pet. We stay at home in +any case, election or no election. The expenses will eat up my savings +for a rainy day in Japan. I shall have to contribute handsomely to +everybody and everything. It's an outrage, but one of the painful +results of having greatness thrust upon one." +</P> + +<P> +Thereupon Josephine flung her arms around my neck and informed me that +I was not only a dear, noble hero, but that Japan or no Japan, she +would not begrudge one copper of any sum I might be obliged to spend in +order to defeat that odious wretch, Mr. Daniel Spinney. A few days +later, after my letter of acceptance was published, she said that she +did not see how anyone who had the least respect for the sacred right +of suffrage could hesitate between us. +</P> + +<P> +"Spinney is not such a bad fellow at bottom," I replied, albeit touched +by the warm partisanship of my wife. +</P> + +<P> +"Didn't I read in the newspaper this morning that he is a notorious +spoilsman?" +</P> + +<P> +"Very likely, dear. Spinney has always called Civil Service Reform a +humbug." +</P> + +<P> +"And he is all wrong on the tariff." +</P> + +<P> +"We think so." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, then, how can you say that he isn't a bad fellow at bottom?" +</P> + +<P> +"I mean, Josephine, that apart from politics he is a very decent sort +of person. I couldn't help thinking while I was chatting with him +yesterday that there was something quite attractive about him. He +isn't exactly the kind of man I should hold up as a model to my sons, +but, as I said before, he is by no means a bad fellow." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine had been looking at me aghast ever since the opening sentence +of this speech. "You don't mean to tell me, Fred, that you stopped and +chatted with that wretch?" +</P> + +<P> +"Indeed I do. We happened to meet, and so we hobnobbed for five +minutes on the street corner and drew each other out in the friendliest +sort of fashion as to our mutual prospects. He says he has a +walk-over, and I told him that he isn't in it." +</P> + +<P> +"I'm glad you showed a little spirit, anyhow." +</P> + +<P> +"What would you have had me do? Make a fell assault upon his hair and +eyeballs? As it was, I perpetrated a deliberate falsehood in the good +cause. He knows that I know I am beaten from the start." +</P> + +<P> +"Nonsense," said Josephine. "You provoke me, Fred, when you talk in +that fashion. What was the use of accepting if you didn't intend to +win if you could?" +</P> + +<P> +"So I do intend, but I can't." +</P> + +<P> +"You can't certainly if you hobnob with the rival candidate and call +him a good fellow." +</P> + +<P> +"You ought to have been a politician, Josephine." +</P> + +<P> +"No, I'm only crazy to have you win, Fred, and I'm convinced you can +win if you only think so yourself and pitch in as if you thought so. I +dare say Mr. Spinney may be well enough apart from politics, but it is +politics we are interested in at present, and it seems to me it is your +duty to hate him—until the election is over, anyway. If you defeat +him, you may ask him to dinner, if you like." +</P> + +<P> +Her eyes sparkled like diamonds, and there was a dangerous look in them +which would have boded ill for Mr. Spinney or any other Republican had +he happened to thrust his head inside our doors just then. As for me, +I felt a little sheepish at my lack of courage, I must confess, and I +cried with genuine ardor: +</P> + +<P> +"Hurrah for Reform! You're right, my dear," I added, "I must pitch in. +I haven't been quite so pusillanimous, however, as it would seem, for I +have got Nick Long to superintend my campaign." +</P> + +<P> +You may remember that Nicholas Long, or Nick Long, as we always speak +of him, has never stood high in Josephine's good graces on account of +his unorthodox habits regarding church-going. He has an unpleasant way +of encountering us on our way to the sanctuary in the toggery of a man +who is going to take a day off in the country. He has, however, a +cool, analytical mind, and his name has been associated for some years +with reform politics. In obtaining his services as a manager I felt +that I had done well and wisely. Josephine looked a little sober, as +though she was not altogether gratified at my selection, but realizing, +very likely on second thought, that the children's habits were formed, +she contented herself by remarking: +</P> + +<P> +"I shall keep my eye upon him and make sure that he doesn't get you +into any mischief." +</P> + +<P> +"You seem to forget," I said, "that he is a leading reformer." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine smiled incredulously. "Fred," she continued presently, with +a pensive air, "I wish it were the custom here, as it is in England, +for a candidate's wife to go about and buttonhole people and beg votes +and kiss babies for him, and all that sort of thing. I'm not so young +as I was, I know, but I dare say I should appear quite as well as Mrs. +Daniel Spinney, whoever she may be. I really think I could make a +fairly respectable speech just on the strength of my conjugal devotion +and righteous indignation against that villain of a man. 'Ahem: Fellow +Democrats, I beseech you in the name of common sense and decency, in +the name of the Goddess of Liberty, and of good government and order, +and as you love your cradles and your firesides, not to vote for that +dyed-in-the-wool Republican and spoilsman, Daniel Spinney, but to vote +early and often for that talented, noble, self-sacrificing, upright +citizen and Democrat, Frederick ——'" +</P> + +<P> +"<I>E pluribus unum</I>! Let her go, Gallagher! Erin go bragh! rah! rah! +rah! Harvard!" I cried, as I seized the lovely orator in my arms and +hugged her to my breast, thereby, to adopt her own words, squeezing out +of her the little breath which she had left. "Bravo, Josephine! If +you were to take the stump it would be I and not Mr. Spinney who would +have a walk-over." +</P> + +<P> +"At any rate, Fred," she continued, after she had regained her breath +and recomposed her ruffled hair, "I can put in a word to help you here +and there among our friends. It was on the tip of my tongue yesterday +to call Rev. Bradley Mason's attention to the fact that you were a +candidate, in the hope that he might make just a slight allusion to it +from the pulpit. Not directly by name, of course; he couldn't do that +very well; but he might speak of the importance of aiding those who +were battling for the noble cause of pure government, so that people +could guess what he meant. I didn't do it," she added, a little +ruefully, "because I was afraid you might possibly not like it, and +there was plenty of time in which to give him the hint." +</P> + +<P> +"Thank goodness you didn't say a word on the subject," I answered. "It +wouldn't have done at all." +</P> + +<P> +For the next six weeks our house was a veritable bureau of political +activity. Although Josephine lived up to her threat of keeping an eye +on Nicholas Long, she admitted before many days had passed that he was +what my boys call a thorough-going hustler, and that he was determined +to leave no portion of my Congressional acreage unsown with Democratic +seed. This farming metaphor was borrowed from Nick, who had many +others at his command suited to the various classes of constituents he +wished to reach. His brain fairly buzzed with fertile expedients +devised to catch this and that portion of the popular vote. He was a +great believer in documents. As he expressed it, the territory must be +plastered with statistics and other printed matter, which were much +more serviceable nowadays than in the past. He said that formerly the +average voter flung everything into the waste-basket and went to the +polls simply on the strength of party prejudice fortified by the +glamour of a torchlight procession, but that now he read and thought, +and refused to support the party candidate merely because he was the +party candidate. He deluged the community with copies of my letter of +acceptance, and three days later overwhelmed the postal service with a +batch of circulars embodying a short, pithy description of my personal +virtues and talents, interwoven with sound doctrine. Although he +confided to me that torchlight organizations were moribund factors in +political warfare, he advised me to supply uniforms and torches, and a +promise of abundant cigars, ice-cream, and ginger-beer for the +cementation of a band of youthful warriors eager to call themselves the +"Fourth District Reform Cadets." "There is not more than one voter in +twenty among them," said Nick, "but it will please their fathers, and +do no harm in any event, especially as your wife and I have devised a +costume for them that will drive the Spinney Guards under cover with +jealousy." +</P> + +<P> +The costume in question was a pattern of garish ingenuity: white +bearskin caps with red, white, and blue pompons; bright blue blouses +dashed with white, and white leather belts, and red zouave +knickerbockers. Their torches were encased in fantastic glass lanterns +alternately red, white, and blue. On the occasion of their first +parade, when they drew up before the house to receive their +transparency, adorned on one side with a villainous portrait of myself +superscribed by the motto, "Our Fathers Fought For Freedom, We Are +Fighting For The Right," and on the other a cut depicting the rival +candidate up to his armpits in the bog of Civil Service Reform, +described as "Spinney's Walk-Over" (a happy blending, as Nick called +it, of serious principle and humorous suggestion), I appeared on the +door-steps and delivered a few halting sentences of gratitude and +augury for success, which were received with loud plaudits and the +rattle of the drum corps. Thereupon I invited the battalion to enter +and partake of a little simple hospitality, which they hastened to do +to the number of two hundred, including a dozen ward heelers in +citizens' raiment, and three or four nondescripts whom nobody knew, but +whom Nick said it would be impolitic to offend by exclusion. A hearty +supper was ready for them in the dining-room, presided over by +Josephine and her daughters, whose presence seemed at first to abash my +warriors of the torch. But only for a few moments. Realizing +presently that these Goddesses had apparently but one aim in life, to +wit, to help them to salad, oysters, and ice-cream, diffidence +disappeared like fog before the morning sun, and with it the viands +down the throats of my red, white, and blue supporters. In the liquid +line Josephine gave a choice of hot coffee and chocolate, thereby +joining issue for the first time with my manager on the subject of +methods. Nick was in favor of champagne, on the score that the Spinney +Guards had been regaled with beer and sherry, but my darling declared +that even if it were the turning-point of the election, she would not +consent to win votes by playing Hebe to beardless youths. A political +aspirant who is forced to decide between his manager and his wife has +need of all the philosophy at his command. +</P> + +<P> +To atone for this obduracy, Josephine had a pleasant little surprise +ready in the shape of a basket of silken badges emblematic chiefly of +myself, and more remotely of the Presidential candidate and our party +principles. She and her daughters, despite my blushes, fastened these +one by one to the blue blouses of the members of the Fourth District +Reform Cadets after everything to eat and drink in the house had +vanished. Not only then, but henceforth until the end of the campaign, +it was embarrassing to me to note how subordinate a position every +other candidate held in Josephine's regard. One would have supposed +that I was the party nominee for the chief magistracy of the nation, +instead of the leader of a forlorn contest for a congressional seat in +a hopelessly Republican district. On the occasion of the torchlight +parade two miles long, whereby the enemy sought to carry the city by +storm, and which passed close to our front door, our house was as dark +as Erebus. Josephine insisted even that the lights in the front hall +and in the basement should be extinguished, and she drew the +drawing-room curtains over the window-shades so that we need not seem +to furnish our foes with one pale ray of comfort. Induced by curiosity +to peep out at the passing show, she limited her strictures to scornful +but tranquil denunciation of the campaign rhetoric blazoned on the +transparencies, until the Spinney Guards arrived, headed by a +magnificent mulatto bearing a delineation of the Reform Candidate +submerged in a huge soup-tureen with an appropriate tag beneath. For +an instant she stared, then she gasped as though some one had struck +her, and she fiercely started to raise the window. +</P> + +<P> +"What are you trying to do, Josephine?" +</P> + +<P> +"Let me go, Fred. I will, I will. How dare they?" +</P> + +<P> +"Pooh, dear! All is fair in politics. It's no worse than the Swamp of +Civil Service Reform," I said, as I tore away her vindictive grasp from +the window which she had succeeded in opening a foot or two, and shut +it hastily. +</P> + +<P> +"How dare they? You had no right to prevent me from hissing, Fred. I +should like to fling something at them too. It's an outrage making you +look like that, and—and in the soup, too." +</P> + +<P> +Not all the enthusiasm generated by our rival procession, which took +place forty-eight hours later, nor indeed the long flattering list of +my supporters published by Nick Long in the newspaper for two days +prior to election day, sufficed entirely to obliterate from Josephine's +soul the bitterness of this insult. As she expressed it, was it not +cruel to flaunt such a thing in the faces of children who had been used +to think of their father as the most dignified of men, one with whose +personality no one would dare to tamper or trifle? It nerved her, +however, to more desperate efforts in my behalf. She ventured even on +holding up our beloved pastor, the Rev. Bradley Mason, in the street, +and capturing his signature to the list of leading citizens who +supported me. This ought, she declared, to outweigh sixty soup-tureens. +</P> + +<P> +Before the votes were counted I knew well enough that I had been +defeated, but for Josephine's dear sake I allowed her to prepare a +victor's banquet, on the assumption that my friends would be pouring in +upon me with congratulations. It was she who drove me from my evening +paper, to which I was settling down like a philosopher after dinner, to +go to my headquarters and ascertain the result. She was sure I was +elected. If not (and here her voice melted) the people were not fit to +have such a pearl offered to them. I went, and it was half-past ten +when I returned. She heard my step, and rushed down to meet me at the +front door. I was calm and smiling. +</P> + +<P> +"Defeated by one hundred and fourteen votes, dear. A close fight, +wasn't it?" +</P> + +<P> +"Ah, Fred, defeated! You poor, poor boy." +</P> + +<P> +"I can stand it if you can, Josephine," I answered, as with my arm +wound around her waist I led her into the dining-room, where the +stalled ox and truffled turkey and a glittering array of glass +confronted us. +</P> + +<P> +"It was that horrid soup-tureen did it, I am convinced," she murmured, +sitting down beside me on the sofa. +</P> + +<P> +"Nonsense, dear. Everyone says I got a wonderful vote against such +odds. They are talking about it down town as though I had won a +victory. Nick is called a great manager." +</P> + +<P> +"But that Spinney is elected all the same," she said, dejectedly. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, he is, Josephine. We can't escape from that. I tell you what, +I'm going to have a glass of champagne," I said, entering the china +closet and taking possession of one of the bottles which had been +packed in ice for the refreshment of my friends. I filled a glass for +each of us and drained mine to the philosophical toast, "Here's to +peace and a quiet life, my dear." +</P> + +<P> +"It would have been very nice to go to Washington," said Josephine, +between her sips. "It might have been a stepping-stone to higher +things. You know you would be pleased to be sent abroad as a foreign +minister. It would have just suited you, Fred." +</P> + +<P> +"It may be that the President, when he hears of the gallant fight I +made, will reward me with something in that line," I answered, with a +twinkle in my eye. "By the way, what egotists we are! I did not tell +you, and you did not inquire, who had been elected President. We have +won a glorious victory." +</P> + +<P> +"I'm very glad, I'm sure," said Josephine, in a tone which was +scandalously absent-minded considering the importance of the +information. After a moment she remarked, coyly: "I should really +think, Fred, there might be a chance of his giving you something when +he hears." +</P> + +<P> +"Not the slightest, you dear woman. I was only teasing you. I am a +very humble figure in the politics of the country, I assure you, and +even if the President is aware of my existence when he enters office, +it will never occur to him to pick me out for preferment. Besides, I +don't wish anything. I am perfectly content to sink back into the +obscurity from which I was lured by the call of duty. It would have +tickled my pride a little to defeat Spinney, but I am inclined to think +I should have found it rather a bore to be only one Congressman among +so many." +</P> + +<P> +"Just think of it, one hundred and fifteen more votes would have given +you the election. It seems hard to have missed it by so little. You +mustn't think me a goose about you, Fred," she added, after a +thoughtful pause. "I don't usually praise you to your face and make an +undue fuss about you, do I, dear? I think I am disposed to be critical +of you rather than otherwise. But you are so much superior to the men +they generally put up, that I'm unable to reconcile myself to the idea +that you're not to be anything distinguished after all. Of course I +didn't really expect that you were going to be very great; and yet in +politics one cannot always tell. Men no more remarkable than you have +been elected President; though I'm not at all sure that I should have +cared to have you in the White House." +</P> + +<P> +"Yet you will not cease to love me now that I am doomed to be only a +poor private citizen for the rest of my days?" I asked, fondly, as my +arm stole around her waist, which, though no longer wisp-like as of +yore, is shapely still. "Poor, too, in every sense," I added, +unpleasantly reminded by the pressure of the check-book in my +coat-pocket of my sadly diminished bank account. +</P> + +<P> +"I am afraid I should continue to love you, Fred, even if you were +bad—a Daniel Spinney or a Nicholas Long, for example," she answered, +imprinting a kiss upon my cheek. "But you are an angel, dear." +</P> + +<P> +It was worth being defeated for Congress in order to learn how much my +wife appreciated me, and also to learn to appreciate her more +thoroughly, philosophical deductions which I whispered in her ear with +appropriate circumlocution. "But, Josephine," I added, "why do you +include Spinney and Nick Long in the same category of wickedness?" +</P> + +<P> +"Because they are both wicked." +</P> + +<P> +"But Nick is a reformer, my dear." +</P> + +<P> +"Hasn't he nearly ruined you?" +</P> + +<P> +"I had to hand over a great deal of money to him, certainly," I +answered, ruefully. +</P> + +<P> +"What did he spend it for?" +</P> + +<P> +"I didn't ask him for the details, but he always said he needed it for +printing, dear. You know there was a great deal of printing done," I +hastened to add, feeling a little nervous under the stress of +cross-examination. "Then there were the uniforms and the torches and +the supper for the cadets." +</P> + +<P> +"I know what they cost exactly. Fred, what do you suppose he could +have used all that money for?" +</P> + +<P> +"Printing, I have told you, Josephine. There are all sorts of expenses +in a campaign of this sort, the details of which one has to leave to +one's manager. I have implicit confidence in Nick's good judgment," I +continued, a trifle austerely. To tell the truth, I had been wondering +myself where all the money had gone to. Josephine was thoughtful for +several minutes, then she said: "Do you know, Fred, I have a feeling +that if you had managed your own campaign without the aid of a reformer +you would have got just as many votes—and—and we should have had +money enough left to go to Japan." +</P> + +<P> +If a woman has a prejudice against a man he might be spotless as the +Archangel Gabriel, and she would be able to pick a flaw in him. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap09"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +IX +</H3> + + +<P> +Six months ago an astonishing piece of news was revealed to me. +Astonishing at least to me, though Josephine says that I need not have +been astonished had I kept my eyes open, inasmuch as the affair was +going on under my very nose, and everybody in town except myself knew +how it was likely to end. I refer to my daughter Josie's engagement. +</P> + +<P> +Yesterday I gave her away—a euphemistic way of stating that she was +torn from my arms—to a young man of whom I know next to nothing, +though I hear on all sides that he is a very nice fellow, which might +mean that he is utterly without principle and an easy-going, idle, +selfish hound. In appearance he does not seem to me to differ from +nine-tenths of the young men who in the course of the last five years +have said, "How d'y do?" or "Good-by" to me (rarely more or less) when +they have run across me in my own drawing-room. My wife declares that +he has a spiritual face, and that he reminds her of me at the same age, +which I regard as an ingenious attempt to prepossess me in his favor. +She has informed me also that Josie is over head and ears in love with +him and he with Josie, a predicament on his part which I am not +surprised at; and I suppose that I am bound to admit that my daughter +is justified in her infatuation for him, if he resembles me at thirty. +</P> + +<P> +Plainly, I have become an old cynic by reason of the loss of my dear +Josie. I realize that I have been like a bear with a sore head ever +since the ceremony. As for Josephine, she has been mooning about the +house all day in a state of chronic tearfulness. The responsibility of +the bride's appearance and the wedding collation kept her nerved until +everything was over. Last evening she collapsed and fell asleep in my +arms, sobbing like a child. +</P> + +<P> +His name is James Perkins. I have been doing my best for several +months to call him "Jim," as everybody else does, instead of "James," +or "Perkins," and yesterday I succeeded twice in doing so. I had had +three glasses of champagne. He is an architect, and I understand from +Josie that he has already made his mark in the erection of a church, +two school-houses, and a town-hall in the suburbs, which I have +promised her to go and see. It seems that a week before he had the +impertinence to offer himself to her he received word that his plans +for a vast railroad station in one of the large Western cities had been +accepted. But for this untoward circumstance, my dear Josie would +still be the light of my house, and I should not be gnawing at my +mustache in the throes of misanthropy. +</P> + +<P> +Jim is slight and not very tall, and he does not look especially +strong. They tell me that he has worked very hard, and that he has won +his way purely by his own energy and talent. He does not smoke, which +rather prejudiced me against him, in spite of the fact that I believe +we should all be the healthier if we did not use tobacco. This, as +Josephine would say, only shows what an inconsistent creature I am. +And I a philosopher, too! But I said at the outset that I was not a +real philosopher. Josie met James—I beg his pardon, Jim—at her +coming-out party, and it seems that he fell in love with her at first +sight. If, now, somebody had fallen in love at first sight with my +sister-in-law, Julia, how much more satisfactory it would have been all +round. But that is the way of the world; Julia was overlooked and my +girl taken, to my miserable discomfiture. Jim was one of the youths +without fathers and mothers whom you see at every large entertainment. +That is to say, my wife had never heard of his father and mother at the +time she invited him, though they prove to have been very respectable +people. Indeed, we were all of us struck by the dignified appearance +which his family as a whole presented at the wedding. Alas! I realize +already that when I have got used to the idea that anybody is to have +her, I shall be thoroughly happy in the thought that I have given her +away to such a decent fellow, a man with self-respect and principles, a +man of industry and capacity, and one, too, who is ready to drink his +glass of champagne like the rest of the world—although he does not +smoke. I have let my grudge have free scope, and all I have been able +to rake up against him is that he shakes his head when I offer him a +pipe or a cigar. In my secret soul I am egregiously proud of him +already, and but for my wounded sensibilities I could dance with joy +over the reflection that he is likely to make her perfectly happy. And +yet all this talk of marrying and giving in marriage has broken my +spirit. +</P> + +<P> +"Since it had to be someone," I said by way of consolation to Josephine +when we awoke this morning, "it's extremely fortunate that she did not +fall in love with a dashing soldier, who would carry her off to a +barracks on the frontier of a Sioux reservation, or a swashing sailor, +who would leave her at home while he went on long cruises, or a +splendid-looking creature, with a sonorous voice, who would drink +himself into his grave or else make her miserable by devoting himself +to another woman. Some of the nicest fellows I ever knew have made +their wives thoroughly wretched. When you think that there really +isn't anything very wonderful to look at about—er—Jim, that is, +anything to appeal especially to the romantic side of a girl, I think +it's very greatly to Josie's credit that she should have chosen him. +Many girls might have overlooked his solid attractions and gone in for +a Jim dandy of a chap who wasn't worth his salt." +</P> + +<P> +My wife looked a little blank over this philosophic statement, then she +glanced up at me with a roguish smile and said: "You seem to forget, +dear, that I accepted you." +</P> + +<P> +"True enough," I answered, merrily. "I dare say I wasn't a trifle less +commonplace-looking than son-in-law. Besides we both have spiritual +faces." +</P> + +<P> +"You should give me and Josie credit for being able to see below the +surface," said my darling, fondly. "A soldier or a sailor, or a +splendid-looking creature such as you describe, is delightful at a +party; but gold buttons, or even a very handsome mustache, don't go far +nowadays toward blinding a sensible girl to the fact that she will have +to pass all her days with the man she chooses. You know, dear, that +you and I have never believed that marriage is a lottery. We were sure +of each other beforehand. So are Josie and Jim." +</P> + +<P> +"Thank God that it is so; and may he, darling, grant them such +happiness as he has given us." +</P> + +<P> +"Amen! And, Fred, he—James" (Josephine prefers to call him James; she +thinks Jim undignified) "is not really homely. He isn't an Adonis, of +course, and doesn't impress one especially at first glance, but anyone +who looks at him twice can see that he is very intelligent, and that he +has the appearance of a gentleman." +</P> + +<P> +"Right you are, my dear. Perhaps I was unconsciously comparing him +with the young man whom I met strolling with your other daughter not +many days ago." +</P> + +<P> +"With Winona? When?" she asked with a start. +</P> + +<P> +"About dusk." +</P> + +<P> +"No, no, on what day?" +</P> + +<P> +"Let me see. It must have been a week ago yesterday." +</P> + +<P> +"Who was he? Why didn't you tell me before?" +</P> + +<P> +"He was tall, handsome, and impressive-looking," I replied, with quiet +deliberation. +</P> + +<P> +"What <I>do</I> you mean, Fred? How slow you are. Do go on." +</P> + +<P> +"As to telling you before, I thought it best to wait until you had one +of your girls off your mind. As to being slow, I have told you all +there is to tell already. I met Winona about dusk a week ago yesterday +in the company of a tall, handsome, impressive-looking young man whom I +had never seen in my life. I don't know where they were going or where +they came from or what it meant. I hope to see him again so as to say +to him, 'Young man, beware; I have lost one daughter, and I am in no +mood to be trifled with.' I dare say," I continued, nonchalantly, +"that if you were to keep your eyes open you would be able to see what +is evidently going on under your very nose, my dear." +</P> + +<P> +Josephine did not heed this taunt; she was thinking hard. +</P> + +<P> +"I wonder who it could have been," she murmured, presently. "I have +noticed lately that Winona has acted as though she had something on her +mind; but I had assumed it might be because her patients were falling +off, owing to the death of that woman with consumption who could not be +persuaded that she had nothing the matter with her. It would be a +great relief to my mind to see the dear girl happily married. What did +he look like, Fred? Are you certain you have never seen him before? +just think: you're sure it wasn't Mr. Dyer or Mr. Benson? One might +call either of them tall, handsome, and impressive-looking." +</P> + +<P> +"I have told you everything I know, Josephine," I retorted, fiercely. +"I don't know the man from Adam. I should think," I added, with a +sepulchral outburst, "that after what happened yesterday, Josephine, +you wouldn't be in so much haste to many the only girl we have left." +</P> + +<P> +"Excuse me, Fred," she said, gently. "It was cruel of me to suggest +such a thing so soon. And yet I suppose we must be prepared for +something of the kind sooner or later. You know you have constantly +expressed the hope that neither of them would hang fire like dear +Julia." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I know it. I'm a selfish brute, Josephine," I answered, beginning +to hone my razor with the desperate air of one who would fain cut his +own throat as the simplest solution of the problem of living. +</P> + +<P> +And only six months ago the horizon of my domestic happiness looked so +clear and comforting. Not even a cloud of the traditional smallness of +a man's hand marred its serenity. Little Fred was pegging away at +Leggatt & Paine's with commendable steadiness all day, and, though he +was apt to dance all night by way of making up for it, I was comforted +in my solicitude regarding his health by the recollection that I used +to do the same when I was his age, my spiritual countenance to the +contrary notwithstanding. Besides, Leggatt has always a good word to +say for him, and evidently still keeps an eye on him, notwithstanding +that Fred has ceased to kick foot-ball and limps no longer. To be +sure, I have been beguiled once or twice by the dear boy's assurance +that I would make my fortune, if I would follow his advice, into buying +investment securities the market price of which at present is far less +than I paid for them. However, the financial misinformation imparted +by one's own flesh and blood is more easily forgiven than that which +emanates from one's regular broker. Besides, there is the chance that +the stocks will come up again some day or other. Fred says they are +sure to. Everything considered he was, and indeed he still is, doing +remarkably well, and he is such an honest-looking, manly fellow that +Josephine says she wonders all the girls do not fall in love with him. +His present safety seems to lie in the fact that he is in love with all +the girls and not with any particular one, a condition of affairs which +I trust will last until he is properly able to support a wife. I +remember that before I fell in love with Josephine—well, no matter. I +have almost forgotten their names and should have to ask my darling to +tell me who they were, and all about it. I have never really loved +anybody but her. God bless her. +</P> + +<P> +Then there was David—again I must admit there still <I>is</I> David—whose +rapid success in his adopted profession and whose general steadiness of +character have been a source of perpetual gladness to us. He still +causes his mother some concern by his utter disinclination for the +society of young women, but I know of no other fault with which to +reproach him. His bacillic pets no longer have a domicile under the +paternal roof. He has a laboratory of his own downtown where, +doubtless, they thrive and multiply. But his special interest at +present is electricity. This has already brought him reputation and +money by virtue of an appliance in the storage battery line, the +details of which I do not precisely understand. Although Little Fred +shook his head gravely at the mention of the word "patent," I was +imprudent enough to follow my scientific son's lead to the tune of +several thousand dollars, the happy consequence of which seemed to be +that Josephine and I would be able to have our jaunt to Japan whenever +the spirit moved us. That was before I counted the cost of marrying a +daughter. +</P> + +<P> +Thirdly, there was that daughter, a dear, sweet girl, who seemed to me +perfectly content in her enjoyment of the social pleasures in which she +was so well adapted to shine. I regarded her as still a mere child, +and though youths came and went, never for one moment did I suspect +that she was meditating the blow which she has since inflicted upon me, +until Josephine told me one evening, with a mysterious, agitated air, +that Mr. James Perkins wished to see me in the library. He saw me, and +all the consolation I derived from our interview was the impression +that he considered that he was acting generously in asking my consent +to the match, and that custom would have justified him in letting me +hear the news of my daughter's engagement elsewhere and in seeing me +further, as the phrase is, before he saw me at all. Remembering as I +did that I regarded the views of Josephine's father concerning our +little matter twenty-five years ago as a matter of mere detail, only +think how far I fell short of the temper of a real philosopher in +allowing myself to become violently angry, and to pace the library +until one o'clock in the morning after my would-be son-in-law had left +it! An especially futile proceeding, as Josephine subsequently +remarked, inasmuch as, by my own admission, I had behaved like a +veritable lamb in his presence and had told him blandly that if he and +my daughter were agreed upon the subject I had not a word to say +against it. +</P> + +<P> +This was the first break in our peaceful, happy domestic circle. Do +you know what the period of an idolized daughter's engagement seems to +the disdained and discarded husband and father? He is too shy and +dignified to peep at the billing and cooing through the crack of the +drawing-room door like the younger members of the family; consequently, +the six months which intervene between the making of the match and its +consummation, impress him as a Sahara of tedious confabulation between +the pair of turtle doves as to whether they have too many salt-cellars +for their marital needs, and whether the exchange of a third set of +oyster-forks without the knowledge of the donor would be a violation of +the highest code of ethics. Presents, presents, nothing but presents, +of every kind and degree, from the solid silver tea-set of exquisitely +fluted pattern to the excruciatingly ugly bit of <I>bric-a-brac</I> which +has captivated the undiscerning eye of some dear friend. After every +ring at the door-bell appears the maid with a fresh parcel wrapped in +snow-white paper fastened with a dainty ribbon, and on each occasion my +dear Josie's eyes sparkle more excitedly as she clutches it and frees +it from its caparisons. And ever and anon I am struck by the fact that +she is growing thin and pale. I mention it to Josephine, but she tells +me that girls always get peaked before their weddings, and that she +herself was thin as a rail at the time she married me. I get no +sympathy anywhere. My sole connection with the matter is that I am to +give the bride away. +</P> + +<P> +I did so yesterday in the presence of our entire social acquaintance +and their dressmakers, most of whom I subsequently entertained at a +mid-day collation, where I shook hands with a vast array of young +people whom I did not know, and tried to keep up my spirits by asking +my old friends to take wine with me. It was after the third glass that +the spirit moved me to address my new son-in-law as "Jim." An hour +later I saw the young rascal carry off my Josie in a carriage with an +air as though he owned her, and I could have strangled him. At the +same moment I was unpleasantly conscious that a quantity of rice hurled +by an enthusiastic miss of nineteen was going down my back. I made a +mad rush forward like a bull; I don't know exactly what I had in mind +to do, but I was bunted aside by a youth who, I am sure, could never +have had a father and mother. He held an old shoe in his hand, which +he proceeded to cast with such unerring aim that it landed on the top +of the bridal coach, to the infinite delight of everybody except +myself. I could see no especial humor in it, but Josephine tells me +that we underwent precisely the same experience at our own wedding and +thought it amusing. I perceive that it makes considerable difference +in this world whose ox is gored, or, to put it more accurately, whether +one is carrying off some other man's daughter or is being robbed of his +own. +</P> + +<P> +And now to crown all, I am haunted by the vision of Winona and that +tall, handsome, impressive-looking young man in whose company I met her +the other day about dusk. In saying to Josephine that I had told her +all, I did not speak the truth in a certain sense. I did tell her all +I knew, but I did not confide to her all that I suspected. I did not +reveal to her that at the moment my eye fell upon them my only +remaining daughter was gazing up into the face of her male companion +with that peculiar look of absorbed attention which has so often +wrought the ruin of Platonic friendship. It entered like iron into my +parental soul, already quivering with its recent wound, and I murmured +to myself, "Oh, my prophetic soul, my second son-in-law!" +</P> + +<P> +Winona too! Two years have passed since I granted her permission to +practise Christian Science, and from that time to this she has gone +regularly every day to her office to minister to the patients who have +applied to her for treatment. I am unable to state whether these have +been many or few; to be frank, I have been amazed that she has had any +at all. But I am sure that she has had some, and that she claims to +have cured several sufferers from chronic disorders whom the regular +practitioners had declared incurable. Or, more accurately, I should +say that she has demonstrated that there was nothing the matter with +them save a superabundance of error in their souls. I have learned, +too, that she has experienced some dismal failures, notably in the case +of the woman with consumption, referred to by Josephine, who, as Winona +explained to us, would have got well had she only been able to realize +that she was getting better. There was also a patient suffering from +mental derangement who grew crazier and crazier, until she was finally +carried off by her friends, whereas, as Winona sweetly explained to us, +if they had only allowed her to remain a little longer she would have +been completely cured, because in Christian Science, as in nature, +darkness is apt to be most signal just before the dawn. This diagnosis +of the case struck me as highly reasonable. Indeed, I have constantly +said to myself that, provided the dear child managed to escape +indictment, I had every reason to be contented that she was living up +to her lights to the top of her bent. So altogether you can see that +my home was a happy one, and that I desired no change. +</P> + +<P> +My two sons-in-law! I see them in my mind's eye walking on either side +of me, the one short and slim with a spiritual countenance; the other +tall, handsome, and impressive-looking. Their main object in life +seems to be to help me on with my overcoat, and to guide my senile +steps over street-crossings, though Dr. Meredith tells me that I am +good for twenty years yet, and that I haven't an unsound organ in my +body. They disagree with me in politics so politely that I am fool +enough to open my best wine when they come to dinner. They dog my +footsteps; they silently pass judgment upon me, and I shall never be +able to shake them off until I am dead. Why did they come to worry us? +We were so happy before we knew of their existence. Out upon them both! +</P> + +<P> +Alas, poor philosopher! Shall I begrudge to my darlings the happiness +that I have known in the too swiftly fleeting years of our married +life? Love has come to claim my flesh and blood even as it claimed me +and Josephine a quarter of a century ago never to loose us from his +silken chains. Love the immortal, the transfigurer of souls, the +unsealer of eyes which in vain have sought the light which streams from +eternity, thou hast come to work anew the old, old story, even though +thy coming rends my heart-strings. Down, selfish, stubborn fumes of +senile cynicism! I bow to the law of life. Come to my embrace, O +sons-in-law; I love you, I bid you welcome to my hearth, even though +you regard me as one for whom the grave is yawning! Listen how bravely +I call Jim—Jim—Jim, a thousand times Jim. And you, the other one, +whose name I do not know, but whose fell purpose I have detected, when +your name is divulged to me I will call that too. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap10"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +X +</H3> + + +<P> +Said Josephine to me some three months ago: "Fred, we shall have been +married twenty-five years on the twenty-first of next November. We +ought to celebrate it in some way." +</P> + +<P> +"How better than by having a silver wedding?" +</P> + +<P> +"Because so many people would feel obliged to give us silver," she +replied. "I am perfectly willing, Fred, that people, should send me +flowers when I'm dead, but I will not have them send silver to my +silver wedding." +</P> + +<P> +"The simplest way then would be to tell them not to. Put in the corner +of the invitation the letters A. S. W. B. S. B. 'All silver will be +sent back.'" +</P> + +<P> +"This is a serious subject, Fred. I should like very much to have our +best friends with us on the anniversary, if I could feel sure that they +wouldn't regard it as a tax. We all give willingly when people are +married, but it does seem rather a grind, as the children used to say, +to have to go out and buy something else a quarter of a century later, +when you know that the senile old couple will be able to use whatever +you get only a few years at the farthest, and that then it will be +snapped up or melted up by their children or grandchildren. Mind you, +dear, I should often be glad to give silver myself, if I could afford +it; but I am looking at the matter from the point of view of the world +at large. Do you know," she added, "that isn't at all a bad idea of +yours. We could put on the cards 'No silver,' just as they put 'No +flowers.' It was quite a brilliant suggestion, Fred." +</P> + +<P> +"There are always fools, though, who will disregard such a notice just +from sheer contrariness." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, if we once gave them warning, and they chose to send +notwithstanding, it would be their own fault," exclaimed Josephine, +buoyantly. "I should hope there would be a few such people, for I +should be very glad to have more silver. It's not that I object to the +silver, but because I wish to give a loophole of escape to the people +who wouldn't send it unless they felt obliged to. I should expect +surely to receive quite a lot in one way or another. And it would be +convenient, love, for Winona did not get any too much when she was +married. Everything ran to furniture and books, and out of the little +silver she received their were seven large salad forks, all of which +had her initials on them, so that she couldn't change them." +</P> + +<P> +There are people who refrain from having their wills drawn on the score +that they would be likely to die if they did. While I have no sympathy +with this superstition, I must confess that a formal celebration of the +twenty-fifth anniversary of your wedding-day has always seemed to me to +savor of willingness to have your account with life audited, with a +view to being able to sink quietly and becomingly into your grave +whenever you were called. In view of the fact that, though each of us +has trifling ailments, neither of us is seriously disabled, it seemed a +little soon to be taking account of stock and talking of putting up the +shutters forever. Yet time's figures are not to be gainsaid, and +especially in the Land of Liberty people are not allowed to forget that +they are growing old even if they have no tall sons and daughters to +attest the fact. What boots it to protest that we feel as young as we +ever did? We might be allowed to say so unchallenged, provided we did +not try to act on the assumption, but the youths without parents and +the newly created species would soon bring us to our senses if we were +to assert ourselves in society so as to cause them the slightest +inconvenience. The middle-aged are allowed to drive and go to the +theatre, and are tolerated at weddings on the ground that they may have +given a wedding present, and at garden parties where there is no lack +of space, but their room is considered better than their company +everywhere else, in spite of the pretty speeches one sometimes hears as +to the charm of entertainments where all ages are gathered together, +and the glory of growing old gracefully as they do in England. I am +not complaining, for between you and me we wouldn't be hired to go to +one-tenth of the places to which we ought to be invited, so far as our +physical state is concerned; but it would be soothing to be asked +occasionally and not to be treated as though we were moribund, and +bidden only to Class Day spreads and to church weddings without a card +for the reception. Once in a while lately Josephine and I have taken +it into our heads to put in an appearance at the Assemblies, where, +though we had been respectfully and cordially received, it has been +evident to us that we were regarded as social Rip Van Winkles, and that +at least half the company were inquiring who in thunder we were, and +the remainder, who did know us, were wondering why in time we came. +</P> + +<P> +A remark of Josephine's served to crystallize these reflections. "Do +you know, Fred, that I think on the whole we shall have a happier day +if we pass it quietly together, and simply have the children to dine. +So many of the people of whom we were fond at the time we were married +have passed away, that I am sure we should be appalled by the thinness +of the ranks when we began to reckon who are left. Besides, I don't +think that a notice not to bring silver would really protect the poor +wretches who didn't wish to bring any. It would seem too evidently to +mean that they needn't bring any unless they chose to, but that it +would be acceptable all the same, which would worry dreadfully those +who like to do whatever others do. Don't you think so? You see +everybody understands that nobody really objects to receiving silver. +Besides, it would involve no end of fuss, and we should be so occupied +with the arrangements that we should forget to pay any attention to +each other, so that it would be a dreary day to look back upon." +</P> + +<P> +"Indeed, Josephine, I agree with you entirely," said I. "Unless such +affairs go off just right they are stiff and ghastly. People who are +bent on paying us a compliment will have an opportunity to come to our +funerals before very long." +</P> + +<P> +"Not together, though. Oh, Fred, wouldn't it be the crowning thing of +all, after so much happiness, if we <I>could</I> die at the same time and +never know what it was to miss each other!" +</P> + +<P> +Although we are jointly and severally aware that the years have been +slipping away, and that our turns to bid farewell to this dear earth +may come any day now despite the fact that we feel young as ever, we +choose still to regard death as a shy visitor which is likely to prefer +others to us. I say to myself that people rarely die of rheumatism, +which is Josephine's only cross, and though pneumonia is a fell +destroyer, I know that Josephine is firmly convinced that the colds to +which I am subject never attack my lungs. Some day one of us will wake +up and miss the other, unless my darling's prayer that we be taken away +together be granted; but until we do, are we not happier for cherishing +the delusion that we are to be overlooked indefinitely? +</P> + +<P> +Was it a delusion, too, which made my darling, as I helped her into our +top-buggy on the morning of our twenty-fifth anniversary, seem to me no +less beautiful than on the day when we plighted our troth at the altar? +Did she not wear the same sweet, trusting smile, the same noble look in +her dear eyes? I told her so, and she informed me that I was demented, +but I know she knew that I thought she had not changed, which I am sure +was enough for her even if Providence has dimmed my eyes. Yet I +maintain that I am right. She is a little stouter, of course; I can +see a wrinkle and a crow's foot here and there; and her hair is +grizzled. But to all intents and purposes she does not look a day +older. +</P> + +<P> +It was a glorious morning; one of those mild, mellow days of the late +autumn, when unscientific people wag their heads and proclaim that the +climate is changing. There was scarcely a breath of wind, and the +landscape toward which our steady nag trotted sturdily wore a faint +atmosphere of saffron haze, as though the sunlight had been steeped in +the lees of the yellow foliage. And the day we were married there was +a driving snowstorm! Josephine had predicted so confidently that +history would repeat itself on our anniversary, that I think she was +rather disappointed when she awoke to find the sun shining and all the +elements at rest. +</P> + +<P> +Our Pegasus scarcely needed the guidance of the reins. He knew where +we were going, and sped along with our comfortable if old-fashioned +top-buggy at a stylish yet self-respecting gait in keeping with the +dignity of the occasion. Our first destination was the attractive home +of our daughter Winona, who lives eight miles out of town, on a hundred +lordly acres. She has an adoring husband—the tall, handsome, +impressive-looking youth of my prophetic soul—and an adored infant six +months old. Her husband is a scion of one of the oldest and wealthiest +families in the city, and he has already made his mark in the political +field. He has been a Congressman, and his admirers are talking of +giving him the next party nomination—not my party (so you see that my +partiality does not proceed from political affiliation)—for Governor. +He is altogether a delightful young man; and as for the baby—. +</P> + +<P> +Josephine broke in upon my rhapsodies over my grandson to say again, +for about the fiftieth time during the last year: +</P> + +<P> +"To think, Fred, that though you saw him face to face, you never +realized that your magnificent unknown was merely Harold Bruce, whom +you had seen and shaken hands with under our roof time and time again. +I laugh whenever I think of it. You gave me a fright that day, when +you told me that you had run across Winona in the company of a +mysterious stranger, which I haven't fully recovered from yet, in spite +of the fact that everything has turned out so well. I dreamed that +night that she had married a professional gambler, who cut her throat +in the course of the first six months because the dear child refused to +aid and abet his nefarious schemes." +</P> + +<P> +I replied, meekly, for the fiftieth time, something as to the agonies I +had undergone for several years in trying to distinguish one young man +from another when they had presented themselves at my house in +stereotyped evening dress and done me the honor of squeezing my hand so +hard that it was evidently in mistake for the hand of one of my girls. +But though my plea has a sardonic look, the words were spoken on this +day of days—even as Josephine's were spoken—with an air of gentle, +joyous reminiscence, as though, which was indeed the case, we found +delight in reviewing again and again the details of the great happiness +which has been granted to us in the marriage of our beautiful daughter +to one worthy of her. +</P> + +<P> +We drove up the long avenue of tall, stately pines, and found her +sitting with her husband and their little hostage to fortune enjoying +the glorious mellow sunshine. The tiny monarch sat in his wagon +playing with a handful of autumn leaves which his father, with proud +paternal indifference to the immaculate surface of the silken carriage +blanket, had bestowed upon him. I now became the rival—the successful +rival—of the rustling autumn leaves. At my instigation his mother +freed him from his equipage and a little anxiously yet resolutely laid +him in my arms. I dandled him, I chirruped to him, I hummed to him, I +encouraged him to gnaw my watch and to claw my mustache, and presently +I began to toss him up in my hands and let him down again. +</P> + +<P> +"Be careful, Fred," said Josephine, warningly; and I saw a shadow of +solicitude cross my daughter's face, though she was plainly doing her +best to seem unconcerned. +</P> + +<P> +"Pooh," I answered. "I tossed up all my own babies in this way year in +and year out, and not one of them ever got a scratch. I'm not going to +begin by letting my precious grandson fall. Am I, little lamb?" +</P> + +<P> +Thereupon, by way of showing what an adept I was in the art of baby +tossing, I shot him upward with self-confident impetus. To be sure, my +hands never really left him; they followed him as he ascended and as he +came down. Still, pride, the traditional precursor of falls, stood me +in bad stead, as it has stood others before me. Just as my precious +grandson was descending for the third time, one of my wrists seemed to +turn or give way, destroying thereby the admirable balance maintained +by my hands, and, quick as thought, Master Baby slipped from my grasp +and tumbled to the ground. +</P> + +<P> +A horrible wail of mingled pain and fright, which wrung my +heart-strings, welled from the lips of the little lamb, as mother, +father, and grandmother rushed to raise him, knocking their own heads +together in the process. Harold, white as a sheet and with a +son-in-law's curse, as I imagined, trembling on his lips, succeeded in +picking him up. I could discern that my grandson's bald little head +was dabbled with blood. His mother evidently perceived the same, for +she cried, with the maternal fierceness akin to that which we are +taught to associate with a tigress protecting its young: +</P> + +<P> +"Harold, give baby to me, and run for the doctor." +</P> + +<P> +Why is it that at the most solemn and serious junctures of life +thoughts wholly irrelevant to the occasion will arise without our +bidding and thrust themselves into disconcerting prominence? I was not +positive that I had not maimed my grandson for life, though I agree +that his stentorian yell had relieved my solicitude a trifle. +Certainly, it was a moment of cruel torture, which should have +precluded every other consideration from my brain than concern for the +hapless infant and harsh self-reproach. And yet, as Winona finished +speaking, I made the imp of a reflection that she was sending for a +doctor in spite of Christian Science, and that the scales of +hallucination had fallen from her eyes at the wail of her own flesh and +blood. I was even tempted for an instant to hazard the suggestion +that, as there is no such thing as matter, there could be nothing the +matter with baby, but I bit my tongue in the throes of my disgust at my +involuntary levity. +</P> + +<P> +Harold had sped down the avenue like an arrow, but scarcely had he +disappeared before the gory streak which dabbled my poor little +victim's brow, and which had seemed to my heated imagination almost an +arterial outburst, yielded to the whisk of a pocket-handkerchief. +Although he still yelled as if his heart would break, I was beginning +to reflect that, barring the very slight scratch on his forehead, he +was more frightened than hurt, when Josephine suggested, like a true +grandmother, the possibility of internal injuries. +</P> + +<P> +My heart began to throb violently once more, and my mouth to taste dry, +but Winona came to my rescue. +</P> + +<P> +"Mother," she exclaimed, in a tone of stern impressiveness, "it is of +the utmost importance for baby's sake that you shouldn't think anything +of the kind, for by thinking that he has any internal injuries you +might, or I might, or father might cause the darling to think the same. +We ought all to think that he has nothing the matter with him, and then +he will soon cease to cry. Come, let us all think of other things and +take our minds off baby. Don't even look at him." +</P> + +<P> +We hastened to do as we were bid. I began to whistle cheerily, and +turning my back on my precious grandson, called Josephine's attention +to the beauties of the landscape in a series of philosophic utterances. +As for Winona herself, she was Spartan enough to restore the little lad +to his baby-carriage, and to busy herself in reflecting whether the +spot of blood on her robin's-egg blue morning wrapper would wash out. +Within three minutes more Master Baby had ceased to sob, and was +playing contentedly again with the rustling autumn leaves, when the +regular practitioner who, it seemed, lived close by, arrived with +Harold at full trot. Winona rose to receive him with a sweet smile, +and said, with her old serenity: "Baby is quite well, Doctor. We all +applied Christian Science principles to his condition, and he finds +that he was in error to suppose that he was really hurt. Thank you so +much for coming." +</P> + +<P> +I was really too much overwhelmed by this speech to think of +criticising, but Josephine evidently suspected me of something of the +kind, for she pinched unmistakably my arm. As for the poor doctor, he +was smiling in a sickly sort of fashion when my son-in-law, who I am +glad to see is something of a philosopher himself, broke in with— +</P> + +<P> +"Since there are no bones broken, the least thing you can do for us, +Doctor, is to stay to luncheon. I have opened a bottle of Clos Vougeot +in honor of the twenty-fifth anniversary of the wedding of my wife's +father and mother." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, do stay, Doctor," said Winona. "And I am very anxious that you +should come and vaccinate baby next week." +</P> + +<P> +The doctor stayed and drank our health in a bottle of excellent wine, +and not a word was said about science of any kind by anyone. As we +drove home I remarked to Josephine that I had made two discoveries: +first, that I had lost my grip a little, especially in the matter of +babies, and secondly, that Christian Science was evidently a convenient +doctrine which could be put on or off like a glove as the occasion +demanded. Replying thereto my wife said: "Fred, I consider that you +had a marvellous escape with that baby, and that Winona bore it +splendidly. As for her silly nonsense, she is evidently in the +moulting state, and I prophesy that by the time baby has the measles we +shall hear no more of it. Harold seems to understand perfectly how to +handle her." +</P> + +<P> +That evening we had our four children and our two sons-in-law to dine +with us. It was a state occasion. Josephine was in black velvet, and +wore the modest diamond star which I presented to her just before we +sat down to table. The girls looked superbly in their best plumage, +and it seemed to me, as I glanced to right and left from my patriarchal +position, that I had every reason to be proud of the four young men who +will control the destinies of the family when I am under the sod. +Proud not only of my two dear sons, but of my two dear sons-in-law, +who, though one is slight and short, and the other impressive-looking +and tall, and though both hold absurd political notions with which I +have not the slightest sympathy, have so completely won my heart by +their devotion to their wives and generally exemplary behavior, that I +cannot choose between them. I was in a jovial mood that evening, I can +tell you, and there was nothing excellent and rare in my limited but +not wholly featureless cellar which my four brave boys did not have an +opportunity to sample in honor of Josephine's and my twenty-fifth +anniversary. +</P> + +<P> +Just after the cigars were finished there was a ring at the front +door-bell, and Sam Bangs came into the dining-room, rather to my +astonishment, for I knew that he had not been invited. "How d'y do, +Cousin Josephine; how d'y do, Cousin Fred. Many happy returns of the +day." +</P> + +<P> +I observed that Sam spoke with a sort of mysterious blitheness, as +though he was under the influence of a joke, and I noticed that he +whispered something to my daughter Josie in answer to an inquiring +glance from her. Just then there was another ring at the door-bell, +and presently through the half-open dining-room doors I caught sight of +a host of people gayly trooping into the front hall. +</P> + +<P> +"The Philistines are upon thee, Samson," exclaimed Sam Bangs, as I +started to rise in my astonishment. "Cousin Fred and Cousin Josephine, +a select party of your friends have taken the liberty of celebrating +your silver wedding, and are on the way to the drawing-room, where you +are requested to join them." +</P> + +<P> +I was too dazed to speak; indeed, I was conscious of a lump in my +throat quite inconsistent with a philosophic temperament. Glancing at +my darling, I perceived that she was agitated, and straightway the +nightmare, which was at odds with her joy, as to how she was to provide +a suitable supper for these delightful visitors, took possession also +of my brain. +</P> + +<P> +"Sam," she gasped, "how many are there?" +</P> + +<P> +"All the world and his mother, including the youths without parents," +answered her provoking relative with a beaming smile. +</P> + +<P> +But Josie, who it seems was in the secret with Sam, and had managed +with him the whole affair, put her arms around her mother's neck and +whispered, "Don't believe him. Only people who really care for you are +coming. The supper is all provided for, mamma. I entered into a +conspiracy with your cook, and you needn't give a thought to anything." +</P> + +<P> +We didn't; and we gave ourselves up to the occasion with a right good +will. As our daughter had said, only dear friends whose +congratulations were precious to us had been invited, and they, to the +number of about fifty, filled out our drawing-room wellnigh to +overflowing. Most of them had brought silver—shall I say alas! or +happily? Generally some pretty trifle which vouched for the sentiment +and taste of the gift horse without seeming to tax the poor animal's +resources. For instance, Mrs. Guy Sloane brought a silver butterfly +intended for a pen-wiper, and my old friend Sam Bolles a silver +paper-knife. Polly Flinders (I never remember her married name), who +has babies of her own, gave Josephine a silver whistle, ostensibly +intended for my grandson, and Gillespie Gore handed me, with his best +bow, an antique silver decanter label marked "Madeira." To be sure, +Mrs. Willoughby Walton did bring a splendid Indian silver necklace of +exquisite workmanship, which she hung about Josephine's neck with a +grand air, informing her that it had once belonged to a princess. As +Josephine said to me later, Mrs. Willoughby can afford to be munificent +if she chooses, and the necklace will just suit Winona's style of +beauty. +</P> + +<P> +Supper was served at half-past ten, and no one would have guessed that +my darling had not ordered it. Our healths were drunk, and the healths +of our children and grandchild, and I was badgered finally into rising +and making a few scattering remarks by way of grateful acknowledgment. +An effort of this kind would be trying to the sensibilities of even a +real philosopher, and I will confess that, what with stammering and +repeating myself, I was uncertain for some moments whether I should be +able to make myself intelligible. At last, however, a sudden +reflection coming straight from my heart drew me from the slough of +renewing thanks and unsealed my lips. +</P> + +<P> +"If," I said, "kind friends, you behold me in my fifty-fifth year a +contented man, tolerably well preserved, and with the lustre of true +happiness shining from my eyes; if you see around me brave sons and +fair daughters, with whose promise of usefulness as men and women you +are not ill-pleased; if, indeed, there is any good or any virtue in me +or mine, know as the source, the fountain-head, the inspiration of it +all, the sweetest woman in the whole wide world, there she stands, my +wife Josephine." +</P> + +<P> +As I sat down amid a tumult of approbation, my darling's confused but +happy smile shone like a beam from heaven athwart my misty gaze. I see +it still as I sit here to-night, with her hand in mine in our silent +but joyous home. The mystery of mysteries, life! Why were we born? +We do not know. What is to become of us when we go hence? We have no +knowledge, but we live in hope. I live in hope. When the last trump +sounds, and the graves give up their dead; when the myriads of souls +are brought face to face with God to learn the solution of all +mysteries, I shall seek only for Josephine. That I may behold her then +is all that I ask of eternity. If I do not see her sweet face, it will +be not because I am perfect, but because I have sinned too much. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR><BR> + +<hr class="full" noshade> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE OPINIONS OF A PHILOSOPHER***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 19509-h.txt or 19509-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/5/0/19509">http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/5/0/19509</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Opinions of a Philosopher + + +Author: Robert Grant + + + +Release Date: October 9, 2006 [eBook #19509] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE OPINIONS OF A PHILOSOPHER*** + + +E-text prepared by Al Haines + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustration. + See 19509-h.htm or 19509-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/5/0/19509/19509-h/19509-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/5/0/19509/19509-h.zip) + + + + + +THE OPINIONS OF A PHILOSOPHER. + +by + +ROBERT GRANT + +With an Etching by W. H. Hyde + + + + + + + +[Frontispiece: Etching by W. H. Hyde] + + + + +New York +Charles Scribner's Sons +1895 +Copyright, 1893, 1895, by +Charles Scribner's Sons + + + + +THE OPINIONS OF A PHILOSOPHER + + +I + +My wife Josephine declares that I have become a philosopher in my old +age, and perhaps she is right. Now that I am forty, and a trifle less +elastic in my movements, with patches of gray about my ears which give me +a more venerable appearance, I certainly have a tendency to look at the +world as through a glass. Yet not altogether darkly be it said. That +is, I trust I am no cynic like that fellow Diogenes who set the fashion +centuries ago of turning up the nose at everything. I have a natural +sunniness of disposition which would, I believe, be proof against the +sardonic fumes of contemplation even though I were a real philosopher. + +However, just as the mongoose of the bag-man's story was not a real +mongoose, neither am I a real philosopher. + +You will remember that Diogenes, who was a real philosopher, occupied a +tub as a permanent residence. He would roll in hot sand during the heat +of summer, and embrace a statue of snow in winter, just to show his +superiority to ordinary human conventions and how much wiser he was than +the rest of the world. The real philosophers of the present day are not +quite so peculiar; but they are apt to be fearfully and wonderfully +superior to the weaknesses of humanity. For the most part they are to be +found in the peaceful environs of a university or on some mountain top a +Sabbath day's journey from the hum of civilization, where they eschew +nearly everything which the every-day mortal finds requisite to comfort +and convenience, unless it be whiskey and water. I have sometimes +fancied that more real philosophers than we are aware of are partial on +the sly to whiskey and water. But that is neither here nor there; for, +as I have already stated, I am not a real philosopher. + +I have altogether too many faults to be one, and should constantly be +flying in the face of my own theories. Barring the aforesaid weakness +for whiskey and water, it is fair to assume that the average real +philosopher lives up to his own lights and by them; whereas I, at least +according to Josephine, am liable to be frightfully inconsistent. She +has never forgotten my profanity on the occasion when we discovered after +dinner that the soot had come down in the drawing-room and was over +everything in spite of the fact that the chimney had been swept three +weeks before. Now, if there is one thing which I abhor and am +perpetually inveighing against as vulgar and futile, it is unbridled +language. Josephine must have heard me say fifty times if she has heard +me one that the man who fouls his tongue with an oath is a senseless oaf. +And yet I am bound to admit that when I discovered what had happened I +swore deliberately and roundly like the veriest trooper. In order to +appreciate the situation exactly I should add that it has long been a +mooted point between Josephine and me whether chimneys require to be +swept at all. My darling insists that the sweep shall overhaul the house +annually, while I cling, with what she is pleased to call masculine +fatuity, to the theory that soot, like sleeping dogs, should be let alone. + +Have you ever entered a drawing-room just after a healthy, thorough fall +of soot? If so, you will appreciate what is meant by its +all-pervasiveness. The remotest articles of furniture are rife with +infinitesimal smut, much as they were rife with the remains of the lady +in Kipling's story after the jealous orang-outang had done with her. And +yet granting that the provocation was dire, a philosopher, a real +philosopher, would have acted very differently. A philosopher of the +grandest type would have reasoned that what was done was done, and that +there was no more use in crying over fallen soot than over spilt milk. +He would calmly have adopted prompt measures to ameliorate the situation, +and after the servants were fairly at work would have taken his wife +apart and pointed out to her, in well-chosen language, that here was only +another instance of his superior wisdom. One of a more virulent type, +but still a philosopher, might have indulged in mirth--quiet sarcastic +mirth. No person of a truly philosophic cast of mind and with a rooted +antipathy to damning would have sworn lustily as I did. + +I remember taking little Fred, my namesake and eldest son, to skate with +me one winter's afternoon on a suburban pond. He did famously for a +tyro, but we both wearied at last of his everlasting strife to maintain +the perpendicular, and I was conscious of a rush of joy when he became +completely absorbed in watching a man who was fishing for pickerel. Have +you ever fished for pickerel through a hole in the ice? If so you will +recall that it is chilly and rather dispiriting work, especially if the +fish are shy. They certainly were shy that afternoon, for the individual +in question had angled long and bagged nothing, as I gleaned from the +answers to the direct interrogatories put by my urchin during the few +minutes I stood paternally by and watched the proceedings. + +"Caught anything?" + +"Nop." + +"Had a bite?" + +"Nop." + +"How long you been fishing?" + +"An hour." + +As I glided away light-heartedly on the delicious curves of the outer +edge, I reflected that he was evidently a persevering pot-hunter who +would not be easily discouraged, and that I could count upon his +engrossing the attention of my offspring for a considerable period. +Accordingly, I was surprised some five minutes later to observe the +fisherman (who wore no skates) shambling across the pond toward the +shore. Glancing from him to his late station I perceived a little group +of skaters gathered around my son and heir, who was dabbling with a stick +in the abandoned hole. They appeared to be diverted by something and one +of them, my friend Harry Bolles, who had his handkerchief up to his +mouth, made a bee-line to meet me. From his lips I learned what had +happened, which was this wise: The horny-handed pot-hunter, having +presently pulled a solitary pickerel out upon the ice and freed it from +his hook, turned aside to cut another piece of bait; whereupon my hopeful +picked up the fish and popped it back into its native element without so +much as a syllable of commentary; and thereupon (being act three in the +tragedy) he of the horny hand, having realized the situation in its +terrible entirety, pulled up his line, shovelled back the particles of +ice into the hole and betook himself upon his shambling way without one +word. Not a word, mark you. There was a real philosopher, if you like, +a thorough-going, square-trotting philosopher. The only alternative was +child-murder or silence, and my pot-hunter chose the simplest form of the +dilemma. "I thought the fish would like it," said little Fred, when +interrogated upon the subject. + +And yet, despite my occasional inability to practice what I preach, +Josephine is correct in her diagnosis that my cast of mind is becoming +more philosophic as the years roll on. The consciousness that I am the +author of four children (two strapping sons and two tall daughters), +anyone of whom may constitute me a grandfather before I am fifty, renders +me conservative and disposed, metaphorically speaking, to draw in my +horns a little. I am beginning to go to church again, for instance. You +may have taken it for granted that I have been regular in my attendance +at the sanctuary. Certainly I have never been a scoffer; but, on the +other hand, I must confess that somehow it has come to pass since +Josephine and I plighted our troth that our pew has stood empty on the +Lord's day oftener than the orthodox consider fitting. And the worst of +it is I used to attend service about every other Sabbath before I became +a benedict, and Josephine taught a Sunday-school class up to within six +months of our wedding ceremony. She, dear girl, has harbored ever since +the belief that she continues to go to church almost every Sunday either +in the morning or the afternoon, a harmless delusion which for some time +I took no pains to dispel, knowing as I did that she meant to go every +Sunday. Yet I knew also that pitiless, unemotional statistics would +reveal an average attendance on her part of rather less than ten times in +the course of each year. I was brute enough finally to call attention to +a tally-sheet, covering a period of three calendar months, which I had +kept for my private edification, and I was punished by seeing her sweet +eyes fill with tears before she proceeded to plead to the indictment. + +"You know, Fred, perfectly well that I have to stay at home with the +children every other Sunday morning in order to allow Lucille to go to +church." + +"But how about the other mornings and all the afternoons?" I inquired, +with the effrontery of a hardened sinner seizing his opportunity to take +a saint to task. + +Josephine blushed, partly from guilt and partly from indignation. "It +rained torrents last Sunday morning, and Sunday morning fortnight--er--I +was sick. I remember that I was all dressed to go one afternoon when old +Mr. Philipps called and I didn't like to leave him. Besides, I feel as +though I ought to stay at home occasionally on Sunday afternoons in order +to teach the children the Scriptures. The Sunday morning before +that--er--I went. No, it must have been a fortnight previous, for I +recollect now that I had planned to go, when you said that you hated to +skate alone and declined to take the entire responsibility of the +children on the pond on account of little Fred and the pickerel." + +"And I said, too, I remember, that in all probability there wouldn't be +black ice again all winter." + +"You did, you did," my darling cried, with tragic impetuosity, "and it is +cruel of you to remind me of it." + +"Moreover, it was a correct prophecy. It snowed that very night and the +people who waited until Monday were nowhere." + +"Oh, Fred, Fred, I'm a wicked woman. You're the last person in the world +who ought to tax me with it, but it is true. I don't go to church as I +ought. And yet I do mean to go. But if it isn't one thing which +prevents, it's another. Lucille must have every other Sunday morning, +and you seem so disappointed if I refuse to go skating or canoeing with +you and the children on the fine days that I foolishly yield." + +"And you the daughter of a deacon," I continued, unsparingly. Let me +state by way of explanation that Josephine's late father was for many +years one of the pillars of the religious society to which he belonged. + +"I know, I know. It is shameful. I--we are little better than heathens, +Fred. Only think of it, four times in three months!" she added, glancing +at the tell-tale sheet. "And I brought up to go regularly both morning +and afternoon in addition to Sunday-school! I am a heathen; and as for +you, I don't know what to call you!" she exclaimed, with a sad, +reproachful smile. + +So long as Josephine was content to berate herself without including me +in her anathemas, I had been ready to acquiesce in what she said, but now +that she seemed disposed to drag me into the conversation I felt it +incumbent upon me to reply with dignity: + +"Will you please explain, my dear, why it is that, though I used to be a +regular worshipper before we became man and wife, I have almost entirely +ceased to attend church since that time? Who is responsible for the +change, I wonder." + +There is a point beyond which it is not safe to prod Josephine, and I +could see from the expression of her eye that we had reached it on this +occasion. She drew herself up and answered haughtily: + +"I have heard you make that insinuation several times before, Fred. It +is not merely silly, it is disgraceful. I keep you from church? Don't +you know," she exclaimed, with a quaver of emotion, "that your refusal to +go is a source of genuine grief to me, and that I just hate to go alone? +Don't you know that I should like nothing better than to go with you +every Sunday, and that I am ready to go to any church you will select?" + +"Yes," I answered, doggedly, "I am well aware that you would prefer to +have me become anything rather than remain--er--a steadfast worshipper of +nature." + +Josephine made a little gesture of impatience such as my well-born +apotheosis of nature is apt to evoke. For a few moments she looked as +though she were going to cry; then, with an almost passionate outburst, +she exclaimed: + +"You will promise me, Fred, won't you, that when the children are old +enough to understand what it means not to go to church you will go too?" + +Now, it may be that my response at the time to this pathetic appeal was +not altogether satisfactory to my darling; but she has forgotten her +fears and her tears to-day in the happy consciousness that as surely as +the bells begin to ring on Sunday morning I begin to brush my silk hat +with the feverish impatience of an abandoned church-goer. Punctuality, +which has always seemed to Josephine a pitiful sort of virtue, ranks in +my category of human conduct almost on a par with brotherly love, and I +am apt to make myself and her pretty miserable on each returning Sabbath +by my endeavors to get the family out of the house and into our pew on +time. It is only by bearing strictly in mind what day it is that I am +able to keep my lips from speaking guile when little Fred remembers at +the last moment that he has forgotten his pocket-handkerchief or +Josephine's glove bursts open in the process of being hastily rammed on +and I am compelled to wait while she sends upstairs for a fresh pair. +You should see how her nostrils swell with pride as we sweep by my old +pal, Nicholas Long, and his wife, who are manifestly not going to church. +I can discern on Nick's face, as we pass, an expression which is half +sardonic, half pitiful. Evidently he has not forgotten my quondam +oft-repeated vow that no child of mine should be taught the orthodox +fairy tales in unlearning which I had spent some of the best years of my +life. And now I am a recreant, and he who aided and abetted me in my +asseverations of independence remains faithful. Yes, but Nick, poor +fellow, has no children. His grin seems to say, "See what you are +missing, poor old patriarch; Dorothy and I are off for a ten-mile tramp +in the country." + +Yet, despite his apparent jubilation of spirit, I detect a longing +expression in Dorothy's eyes and I notice that she steals a second glance +over her tailor-made shoulder at little Winona, our youngest, who is an +uncommonly pretty child, if I do say it. + +"There go a light-hearted, honest couple with the courage of their +convictions," I remark to Josephine, tentatively. "Before the sermon has +begun they will be on the river and they will come home delightfully +tired just in time for dinner." + +"Light-hearted? I believe, Fred, that they are both perfectly +miserable," she exclaimed, with a sweeping glance of pride at her +progeny. "I was thinking just before you spoke how much I pitied that +woman." + +I can remember as if it were yesterday Nick Long telling me with bubbling +ecstasy, shortly after he was engaged, that his lady-love had a clear, +analytical mind, almost like a man's. "No nonsense about her," he said. +"She sees things just as they are." I rather got the impression at the +time that he intended thereby to insinuate gently but plainly that he was +a far luckier dog than I who had married a woman with a mind +conspicuously feminine. I should like very much to know whether, if +Dorothy were to be blessed with children after all, Nick would have to go +to church. + +Not only have I lost moral courage in the matter of some of my deepest +convictions, but I notice also with consternation that my physical +bravery is ebbing away as my years increase. I have drawn the line, for +example, squarely and tautly on burglars. One night not very long since +I was awakened by noise and, after listening, I came to the conclusion +that it proceeded from housebreakers. I slipped out of bed stealthily +and put my ear to the bolted chamber door in order to confirm my +conviction. My movements aroused Josephine, who sat up in bed and asked +hoarsely what the matter was. I put my finger on my lips quite +irrelevantly, for it was pitch dark. + +"Fred, are there burglars in the house?" she gasped. + +"Sh! Yes." + +"What are you doing, Fred? Oh, you mus'n't go down and expose yourself +on any account." She was evidently very much agitated. "Promise me that +you will not." + +Having ascertained that the door was secure I walked across the room and +turned on the electric light. Josephine was sitting bolt upright, +quivering with excitement. Her eyes followed my every movement, as, +having slipped on my trousers and a pair of boots, I began to look around +me, tramping sturdily. + +"Fred, they'll hear you if you make such a noise," said my wife, in an +agonized whisper. + +"I fervently trust so," I retorted. "That's why I'm doing it." + +As I spoke my eye lit at last on something adapted to my purpose. I had +been trying to avoid the destruction of a wash basin, and I seized with +grateful eagerness the pair of Indian clubs which offered themselves and, +lifting them to the level of my brow, let them fall clamorously on the +floor. The welkin rang, so to speak, and I sank with nervous exhaustion +into an arm-chair. + +The house seemed deathly still and it struck me that Josephine on her +part was ominously quiet. When she spoke at last it was to ask: + +"Haven't you a pistol?" + +"Yes, dear." + +"Are you going to let them take everything?" + +"It is for them to decide, darling." + +"But, Fred----" Josephine did not finish her sentence. The words she +uttered were, however, so full of poignant surprise and disappointment +that I felt constrained to inquire with a guilty attempt at nonchalance: + +"Is there anything you would like to have me do?" + +"You are the best judge, of course," she answered, coldly. "Only, do you +think it is the usual way?" + +"The usual way?" I echoed. Among the few points in Josephine's character +which irritate me is her weakness for custom, and it is growing on her. +"No, I suppose that the correct social thing would have been to stand at +the head of the banisters in my nightgown with a lighted candle and make +a target of myself." + +"Why did you buy a pistol, then?" inquired my better half. + +"So that the children needn't shoot themselves with it after it was +locked up and the cartridges carefully hidden," I replied, with levity. +We were both so heated that we had practically forgotten that flat +burglary was supposed to be going on. + +"You didn't use to talk in that way," said Josephine, with slow +precision. "I only hope, Fred, for your sake that people won't hear +about this." + +"They will not, certainly, unless you tell them, Josephine." + +"Tell them? I wouldn't mention what has happened for the world," she +answered, looking at me with a sort of sorrowful disdain. Thus is it +that the ideals which women form concerning us are one by one shattered! +I am sure that Josephine would have been inconsolable had I fallen a +victim to the bullet of a house-breaker. You will recall that her first +impulse was to prevent me from exposing myself for the sake of the solid +silver service. She had taken it for granted that I would slip the bolt +and go part way down stairs, at least, pistol in hand, and she had wished +to caution me against undue rashness. Consequently, it was a rude blow +to her sensibilities to find that I was such a craven. She cared no more +for our apostle spoons and gold-lined vegetable dishes than I did; it was +the principle of the thing which distressed her. Why had I bought a +six-shooter shortly after our marriage except to be equipped for just +such an emergency? It did certainly seem that I was bound by all the +laws of custom to pop at least once over the banisters, even though I +took no aim and scurried back into my bedroom immediately after. That +would have satisfied her, she subsequently admitted to me; but to drop a +pair of Indian clubs on the floor in order to make a clatter could be +regarded as little less than pusillanimous, philosophy or no philosophy. + +We have talked it over many times since, and I have endeavored to make +plain to her that in the process of evolution thinking men have come to +the conclusion that the husband and father who chops logic at dead of +night with an accomplished burglar on the wrong side of his chamber door +is akin to a lunatic. She listens to my arguments attentively, and she +has done me the honor to admit that there is more to be said in my behalf +than she thought at first; but I remember that the last time we conversed +upon the subject she shook her head with the air of a woman who, in spite +of everything, is still of the same opinion, and she murmured gently: + +"As I told you before, Fred, if you had fired once over the banisters, I +would say nothing." + +"But I might have been killed or maimed for life as a consequence," I +blurted, feelingly. Josephine looked a little grave, as she is apt to do +at any suggestion of my sudden taking off, but with a sweet sigh she +answered, succinctly: + +"There are certain risks in this world that a man has to take." + + + + +II + +You may remember that I have four children; my namesake Fred, David, +who was christened in honor of his maternal grandfather, Josephine, or +Josie as we call her in order not to confound her with her mother, and +Winona, the baby of the family. We have lately moved into another +house. The old one would not hold us any longer. At least Josephine +declared that it would not shortly after the agents of the Board of +Health fumigated the establishment with sulphur to kill scarlet-fever +germs. She said it would be cheaper to move than to buy new +wall-papers and window-shades. When I asked how this could be she +waxed a little wroth at what she called my density, and asked if I did +not appreciate that we should have to move at any rate in a year or two +in order to provide the children with a bedroom apiece. The necessity +for this had not occurred to me, I must confess, and I was making bold +to inquire why the two boys could not continue to occupy one room and +their sisters another as in the past, when Josephine added, in an awful +whisper: + +"Besides, the house is overrun with cockroaches. Now mind, Fred," she +continued, with an imperative frown, "that is a matter which is not to +be repeated to anyone." + +"Why should I wish to repeat it?" I asked, meekly. + +"I never know beforehand what you will repeat and what you will not. I +should expect to hear from Jemima Bolles the next time we met that you +had confided it to her husband, and positively I don't care to have her +know. Then, too," Josephine continued, with the manner of one +selecting a few of many grievances to air, "I haven't an inch of +unoccupied closet room; and, moreover, you remember, Fred, that the +plumber said the last time he was here that by good rights the plumbing +ought all to be renewed." My wife dwelt on these concluding words with +insinuating emphasis. She knows that I am daft, as she calls it, on +two points, closing windows on the eve of a thunder-shower and +defective drainage. + +"He said that we could manage very well for some time longer without +the slightest real risk," I answered, doughtily. + +Josephine's lower lip trembled. Presently she burst out, as though she +had resolved to throw feline argument and sophistic persuasion to the +winds, "I am just tired of this house, Fred, and I should like to move +to-morrow. It is pitifully small and disgustingly dirty with dirt that +I can't get rid of, and everything about it is old as the hills. It +has never been the same place since that fall of soot. If I am obliged +to live in it I shall have to, but I am sure that a new, clean house +would add ten years to my life." + +"Jehosophat!" I added, startled by this appeal into borrowing the +latest expletive from the vocabulary of my eldest son, at which +Josephine bridled for an instant, thinking that she had detected +blasphemy. When it dawned upon her that the phrase in question was +only one of those hybrid, meaningless objurgations, the use of which +will scarcely justify a lecture, my darling gulped dismally and waited +for me to go on. + +I am inclined to think that a gradually evolved tendency of mine not to +go on when I am expected to was what first prompted my wife to dub me a +philosopher. She fancies, dear soul, that she is a loser by this +lately developed proclivity to seek refuge in silence on the occasions +when she or the children sweep down upon me with some hair-lifting +project which craves an immediate decision. But she is in error. It +is true there are times when the sweet onslaught of the sons and +daughters of my house and their mother has brought the old man to terms +on the spot, and wrung from him an immediate permission to do or to +spend; but, on the other hand, Josephine, who in spite of her cunning +is no philosopher, and her offspring little realize how often their +feelings have been saved from laceration by this trick of mine (she +calls it a trick) of saying nothing until I have had time for +reflection. No man is so wise as his wife and children combined, but +it takes him a little while to find it out; and I have discovered that +to chew a matter over and over is the surest way to avoid promulgating +a stern refusal. + +So it was in this instance. Had I uttered the words which rose to my +lips, I should have felt obliged to inform Josephine that, her +premature taking off to the contrary notwithstanding, to move into +another house was out of the question and totally unnecessary. How +could I afford to move? Why should we move? The dear old house where +we had passed so many joyous years and which Josephine used to say was +extraordinarily convenient! I remember that I became successively +irate, pathetic, and bumptious in my secret soul. I said to myself +stoutly that it was all nonsense, and that by means of a little fresh +paint and new coverings for the dining-room chairs, we should be happy +where we were for another five years. + +Cockroaches? Bah! Was there not insect powder? + +The married man who knows in his secret soul that he cannot afford to +move and who has made up his mind that nothing on earth shall induce +him to, is terribly morose for the first few weeks after his wife has +unbosomed herself upon the subject. He peruses with a savage frown the +real estate columns of the daily newspapers, while he mutters vicious +sentences such as, "I'll be blessed if I will!" or, "Not if I know +myself, and I think I do!" He observes moodily every house in process +of erection, and scrutinizes those "To Let" with an animosity not quite +consistent with his determination to put his foot down for once and +crush the whole project in the bud. Why is it that he slyly visits +after business hours the outlying section of the city, where the newest +and most desirable residences are offered at fashionable prices? Why +at odd moments does he make rows of figures on available scraps of +paper and on the blotter at his office, and abstractedly compute +interest on various sums at four and a half and five per cent.? Why? +Because the leaven of his wife's threat that her life will be shortened +is working in his bosom and he beholds her in his restless dreams +crushed to death beneath a myriad of waterbugs, all for the lack of an +inch of closet-room. Why? Because he is haunted perpetually by the +countenances of his daughters, on which he reads sorrowfully written +that they are wasting away for lack of the bedchamber apiece promised +them by their mother. Why? Because, in brief, he is a philosopher, +and recognizes that what is to be is to be, and that it is easier to +dam up the waters of the Nile with bulrushes (to adopt an elegant and +well-seasoned exemplar of impossibility) than to check the progress of +maternal pride. + +Some four months after Josephine's announcement that she would live ten +years longer elsewhere, I returned home one afternoon with what she +subsequently stigmatized as a sly expression about the corners of my +mouth. I doubt if I did look sly, for I pride myself on my ability to +control my features when it is necessary. However that may be, having +persuaded Josephine to take a walk, I conducted her to the door of a +newly finished house in the fashionable quarter. + +"It might be amusing to go in and look it over," I murmured. "I should +rather like to see the ramifications of a modern house." + +Josephine, albeit a little surprised, was enraptured. She promptly +took the lead and I tramped at her side religiously from cellar to +attic, while she peeped into all the closets and investigated the +laundry and kitchen accommodations and drew my attention to the fact +that the furnace and the ice-chest would be amply separated. + +"You know, Fred, that in our house they are side by side and we use a +scandalous amount of ice as a consequence," she said, hooking her arm +in mine lovingly. + +"The whole house strikes me as very well arranged," I retorted, in a +bluff tone, as much as to say that I saw through her blandishments. I +think she appreciated this. Nevertheless, a few minutes later when we +were on the dining-room story, she rubbed her head against my shoulder +and said, "Just see what a love of a pantry, Fred. Mine is a hole +compared to it. Servants in a house like this would never leave one. +And do look at this ceiling. It is simple, but divinely clean and +appropriate." + +"It is well enough," said I, coldly. + +After indulging in various other raptures, to which I seemed to turn a +deaf ear, and examining everything to her heart's discontent, Josephine +moved toward the front door with a sigh. Then it was that I remarked: + +"So the house suits you, my dear?" + +"It is ideal," she murmured, "simply ideal." + +"There are things about it which I don't fancy altogether," said I. + +"Oh, Fred, if we only had a house like it, I should be perfectly +satisfied." + +"Should you? It is yours," I answered. + +"Don't be unkind, Fred." + +"It is yours," I repeated, a little more explicitly. + +Josephine devoured me with inquiring eyes. As she gazed, the +expression of my countenance brought the blood to her cheeks and she +cried with the plaintiveness of a wounded animal, "What do you mean, +dear? It is cruel of you to make sport of me." + +"I am not making sport of you, Josephine. The house is yours--ours. I +bought it yesterday. Here is the deed, if you mistrust me," I +continued, solemnly drawing from my pocket the document in question. + +Josephine took it like one dazed. She looked from me to it and back +again from it to me, then with a joyous laugh she exclaimed, "Really? +It is really true? Oh, Fred, you are an angel!" + +"No, my dear," I answered, as she flung her arms about my neck--for she +does so still once in a while--"I am merely a philosopher who has +learned to recognize that what must be must be." + +My wife was too much absorbed in her own mysterious mental processes to +take note of or analyze this observation. For a few moments she was +lost in a brown study, and gazed about her with a glance that struck me +as somewhat critical. + +"You are an angel, Fred," she repeated, ruminantly. "You took me in +splendidly, didn't you? And to think of your doing it all by yourself!" + +She wandered back into the dining-room, and thence to the hall, where +she stood peering up the stairway at the skylight. "Yes," she +continued presently, in a judicial, contemplative tone, "I think it +will do very well on the whole. I am not perfectly sure that the +laundress will be satisfied with the arrangement of the laundry, and I +don't see exactly, Fred, what you are to do for a dressing-room, when +we have more than one visitor. I am out of conceit with the tinting of +the drawing-room ceiling, and--and several of the mantelpieces are +hideous. But, on the other hand, the dining-room is perfectly lovely, +there is no end of closet-room, and the kitchen is a gem. Oh, thank +you, Fred, thank you ever so much. I really never expected that we +could afford to leave the dear old house. It will almost break my +heart to leave it, too, although it is so dirty." + +Josephine's guns were spiked, as it were. Having declared that the +house was ideal, she was barred from utterly blasting it in the next +breath. To tell the truth, I felt as a consequence decidedly perky and +inclined to perform the double-shuffle or something of the sort quite +out of keeping with the traditional repose of a philosopher. It was so +obvious to me that I had escaped weeks, if not months, of misery by the +ruse which I had adopted that I was fain to dance with joy. Had I +allowed Josephine to pick out a house she would have felt obliged, even +though she was thoroughly satisfied with the first she saw, to inspect +from top to bottom every other in the market, for fear that she might +see something which pleased her better, and I should have been +compelled to accompany her. There are a few advantages after all in +being of a philosophic turn of mind. + +And here is another bit of philosophy for you which I am thoroughly +convinced is sound. A woman adroitly handled will permit her husband +to choose a new unfurnished house for her without serious demur. But +let the lord and master beware who takes it upon himself to do the +furnishing also stealthily and of his own accord. I will confess that +it did occur to me at first to put through the whole business at one +fell swoop--house, wall-papers, dados, chandeliers, carpets, and +curtains. I even went so far as to cross the street one day with the +intention of asking Poultney Briggs, who makes a business of letting +people know what they ought to like in the line of interior decoration, +to name his price to complete the job. But my courage failed me at the +last minute, for I had a presentiment that Josephine would be +disappointed if I did. You see I know her pretty well after all these +years. + +"I should never have forgiven you, Fred--never!" said my better-half, +emphatically, when I told her how near I had come to the crucial act. +"I should have hated everything. Besides, no one nowadays thinks +anything of Poultney Briggs as a decorator. He is terribly behind the +times." + +I accepted this reproof and the accompanying verdict with becoming +meekness. I remember that when we first went to house-keeping Poultney +Briggs was in the van of artistic progress, and that no one was to be +mentioned in the same breath with him; yet now, apparently, he was of +the sere-and-yellow-leaf order, professionally speaking. And I was old +fogy enough not to have been aware of it. Clearly, I was not fit to be +entrusted with the selection of even a door-mat, to say nothing of the +wall-papers and carpets. It was with a thankful heart over my +foresight that I relinquished to Josephine the whole task of +furnishing, with the sole reservation that I should have my say about +the wine-cellar. My only revenge, a miserable one forsooth, was that +she resembled a skeleton three months later; a pale, pitiful bag of +bones, though proud and radiant withal. Had it not been for that +prediction that her life was to be lengthened, I should have felt +anxious. What a marvellous creation a woman is, to be sure! Man and +philosopher as I am, my impulse would have been to consign the contents +of the garret to the auctioneer or the ash-man, and to retain most of +the least-used furniture and upholstery to eke out our new splendor. +But Josephine's method was distinctly opposite. She was critical of +nearly everything respectable-looking in the old house; on the other +hand, there was scarcely anything in the attic or lumber-room, where +our useless things were stored, which did not turn out to be a treasure +and just the thing for the new establishment. To begin with, there was +a love of a set of andirons and a brass fender (to reproduce +Josephine's description exactly), which had been discarded at the time +we began housekeeping as too old-fashioned and peculiar. Of equal +import was a disreputable-looking mahogany desk with brass handles and +claw feet which had belonged to my great-grandmother before it was +banished to the garret within a month after our wedding ceremony, on +the plea that none of the drawers would work. They don't still, for +that matter. A cumbersome, stately Dutch clock and a toast-rack of +what Josephine styled medieval pattern, were among the other +discoveries. The latter was reposing in a soap-box in company with a +battered, vulgar nutmeg-grater. But the pieces of resistance, as I +called them, on account of the difficulty we had in moving them from +behind a pile of old window-blinds, were the portraits of a little +gentleman in small-clothes, with his hair in a cue and a seeming cast +in one eye, and a stout lady with a high complexion and corkscrew +ringlets. + +"Oh, Fred, who are they?" cried Josephine, ecstatically, and she began +to dust the seedy, frameless canvases with a reverential air. "Where +did they come from?" + +"They're ancestors of mine, love." + +"Ancestors? How lovely, Fred! I didn't know you had any. I mean I +didn't know you had any who had their portraits painted." + +"On the contrary, Josephine, I told you who they were when we were +engaged, and I remember I was rather anxious to hang them in the +dining-room, but you said they were a pair of old frumps, and that you +wouldn't give them house space. So we compromised on the attic." + +"Did I?" said my darling, gravely. "Well it must have been because the +dining-room was too small for them. They will look delightfully in our +new one, when they are mounted and touched up a bit, and they will set +off our Copley of my great-aunt in the turban. What are their names? +They must have names." + +"They are my great-grandfather Plunkett and his wife, on my father's +side. He was a common hangman." + +"Now don't be idiotic, Fred." + +"He was, my dear. It was you yourself who said it. Don't you remember +my calling two of your forbears a precious pair of donkeys because they +wouldn't eat any form of shell-fish, and your replying that, though I +was in the habit of grandiloquently describing my ancestor who used to +execute people as 'the sheriff of the county,' he was only a common +hangman?" + +"Oh, was that the man? All I said was that if he had been _my_ +ancestor instead of yours, you would have called him a hangman. He +_was_ sheriff of the county, wasn't he, dear?" + +"So I have been taught to believe." + +"'My ancestor, the high sheriff,' won't sound badly at all," she said, +jauntily. + +"Especially if we can tone up the old gentleman's game eye a little." + +Josephine's face expressed open admiration. "You are a genius and a +duck," she exclaimed; then, after a reflective pause, she murmured, +"Very likely he met with an accident just before he was painted." + +"Yes, dear. Consequently, if the eye can't be improved by means of the +best modern artistic talent, the least we can do is to put a shade over +it." + +This waggish remark seemed to be lost on Josephine. She wore a +far-away look as though her thoughts were following some fancy which +had appealed to her. She did not deign to take me into her confidence +at the moment, but a fortnight later I happened to come upon her in +close confabulation with a very clever, rising, local artist, over this +same portrait of my great-grandfather Plunkett. + +"Fred," she said, nonchalantly, "Mr. Binkey thinks he can do something +to this which will improve it." + +"I shouldn't suppose that it was easy to improve upon nature," I +remarked, oracularly. + +Josephine blushed a little, but she replied, with sturdy decision, "Oh, +but he never could have looked like that. His eyes must have been +alike, Fred. Mustn't they, Mr. Binkey?" + +"I should imagine," said our rising local artist, with a meditative +squint at the picture, "that the fault was in the technique rather than +in the subject-matter of the portrait." + +"Precisely," said Josephine, triumphantly. "Besides, Mr. Binkey says +it needs varnishing." + +What can one say in the teeth of professional authority? When +great-grandfather and great-grandmother Plunkett came back to us at the +end of a month, they were newly varnished and in bright, tasteful +frames, and no one would ever have detected that the old gentleman's +eyes did not resemble each other closely. Since then I have often +heard Josephine declare her gratitude that she did not allow any +squeamishness to prevent her from giving the children and people +generally the correct impression of a man who was eminent in his day +and generation. Indeed, I have heard her call the attention of +visitors to the strong similarity about the brow and eyes which our +second son David bears to his great-grandfather, High Sheriff Plunkett, +and I do not question in the least that she believes the cast in the +old gentleman's optic never to have existed save in the original +portrait-painter's imagination. I must admit that, notwithstanding the +changes made by local talent in my ancestor's physiognomy, I am +occasionally struck myself with the strong resemblance specified by +Josephine; and the longer I live the less doubt I have that she is a +far cleverer person than your humble servant. + + + + +III + +Shortly before we moved to the seaside this summer, it was evident to +me that Josephine had something on her mind which she hesitated to +broach to me. I suspect that the dear girl realized that we had had +rather a trying winter in our new establishment, and was accordingly a +little nervous as to how I would receive a new suggestion, which was +aimed directly at my personal comfort. I had indeed found the winter +somewhat trying on account of the number of small repairs which had +proved to be necessary. Most of the doors would not open except by the +application of brute force, and many of the windows rattled, so that +carpenters were in possession of the premises a total of one hundred +and twenty-eight hours in the course of nine calendar months, and I was +compelled to listen in hang-dog silence to Josephine's sibilant +commentary, that this was the natural result of buying a ready-made +house. Still, I must admit that on the whole she behaved +extraordinarily well under these trying circumstances, and said nothing +more tart than that, if she ever were so foolish as to move again, she +should insist on building a house to suit herself; which struck me as +rather a boomerang of a speech, seeing that it implied a lurking doubt +on her part as to whether she had been wise in moving at all. I even +came near admitting to her in consequence that I was thankful we had +moved, and that, surface indications to the contrary notwithstanding, I +was extremely happy in my new surroundings, and egregiously proud of +her taste and cleverness in the selection of wall-papers and +upholstery. I could have truthfully added also that, though a slippery +hump had replaced the cosey hollow in my renovated easy-chair, I had +found one of the new chairs exactly suited to my sensibilities, and +should be secretly pleased if the old one were to softly and suddenly +vanish away during our absence at the sea-side, after the manner of the +Boojum of ditty. I have really no adequate reason to give why I +delayed to make this amiable confession. It was the consciousness, +however, that I had it to make which had prompted me to help my darling +out of her quandary when I perceived that she seemed afraid to beard +the lion in his den. + +"It has been very evident to me, Josephine, for the last two days, that +you are keeping back something. If your mind is really set on altering +the tinting of the drawing-room ceiling, I will consent to have it done +while we are out of town." + +"It isn't that at all, Fred. I agree with you that we can't afford it +this year." + +"Is it the extra tub in the laundry, then?" + +"Of course it would be very nice if we could have an extra tub. But it +isn't that." + +"Then there is something?" + +"Yes," she murmured. "Oh, Fred, I do hope, now that the doctor has +ordered you to take more exercise, you will get one of those pretty, +striped, tennis suits." + +"Yes, do, father dear," exclaimed my eldest daughter, who happened to +enter the room at the moment and overheard her mother's speech. "You +would look perfectly lovely in one." + +"It would be a satisfaction for once to see you wear something a little +joyous," continued my wife, emboldened by the enthusiasm of her +offspring. + +"You seem to forget, dear, that I am a plain man," I answered, though +to tell the truth I was asking myself whether I was not a trifle weary +of posing in that sublime capacity. Now that I thought of it, what was +the especial virtue of being a plain citizen? + +When I came to reflect on the matter further, I realized that my +programme for the past fifteen years has been to put on a plain +pepper-and-salt suit of modest demeanor in the morning, eat two +plain-boiled eggs for breakfast, walk down town in a plain black +overcoat to my office in a plain-looking building, where I pursue my +calling until it is time to go home and doff my pepper-and-salt of +modest demeanor for a plain suit of sables, the funereal dress-clothes +of commerce and convention. Even this coal-black tribute to ceremony +has discredited me with some, who argue that I am not a plain man +because I do not prefer to dine in the same old pepper-and-salt. +Verily the only bits of warm color in my wardrobe have been a +robin's-egg-blue neck-tie, which I have never dared to wear except once +at a wedding, and a pair of pajamas reserved for very occasional jaunts +on yachts and sleeping cars. And now that I had the doctor's orders to +take more exercise, I had been on the point of selecting an ordinary, +plain, pepper-and-salt flannel shirt, and condemning one of my oldest +and plainest pairs of pepper-and-salt trousers for the purpose. + +And yet it was not always so. I remember that when I was a young +fellow and a bachelor I used to be, if not a dandy exactly, very +particular regarding my personal appearance, and that I was willing to +approach the border line of gaudiness as closely as any of my +contemporaries. It took courage, too, then: the youth who wore down +town even a garden flower in his button-hole was liable to be suspected +of a lack of purpose. One got very little encouragement at the best in +any effort to fly in the face of the perpetual black tie and black +broadcloth frock-coat of the plain American citizen, and he who chose +not to wear the garb of the Republic not merely cut himself off from +the possibility of ever becoming President, but ran the risk of being +refused employment of any kind. Naturally, therefore, I began after I +was married to do pretty much as the rest of my fellow-citizens did, +save in the matter of a dress-coat at dinner, which I continued to don +daily out of respect to Josephine's feelings. (This has been one of +the few points in my behavior upon which she has ever laid particular +stress, and I thank her here publicly for her pertinacity. It has +saved me from the slough of utter carelessness.) Barring the single +blue necktie and the pajamas, I drifted into and have stuck to blacks +and browns and the least ostentatious cuts until my own wife and +children have felt called upon to proclaim me fusty. + +To tell the truth, I had been more or less conscious for some time of +my degeneration in this respect, but it is no easy matter to escape +from a rut when one is middle-aged. Josephine's stricture concerning +the lack of joyousness in my apparel, however, brought me up standing, +as the phrase is, and served not merely to spur me to action, but to +crystallize a tissue of reflections which had been churning in my brain +during a considerable period. One evening a fortnight later I +sauntered into the drawing-room, where my wife and four children were +congregated round the family lamps, and drew attention to my appearance +by a timorous cough. + +Josephine was the first to look up. My foot-fall will usually draw +from her a welcoming smile, but she happened to be absorbed at the +moment in the end of a novel, the beginning of which she was going to +read later, so that it was not until I coughed that she raised her eyes +from her book. For a moment she stared at me as though she were +doubtful whether I was not one of the characters in whose vicissitudes +she had been engrossed, then, letting the volume fall to the ground, +she exclaimed in a voice of rapture, "Children, look at your father!" + +Roused from their respective volumes by the ardor of this exhortation, +my two sons and two daughters bent their critical eyes upon the male +author of their being. It was a moment of sweet triumph for the old +man for which he had made the most careful preparations. It was in +vain that their gimlet-like faculties sought to discover flaws in the +eminently fashionable costume of white striped serge, the brand-new +yellow shoes, the jaunty summer necktie, and the appropriate hat, +whereby I was transformed from a plain man to a respectable-looking +member of society. The father who can run the gauntlet of his +children's censorship may look the cold world in the face without a +quaver. Philosophy has taught me this, and it was under the spur of +the philosophic spirit that I had sought out the most expensive and +most fashionable tailor in town, and told him to build me a summer +outfit such as no one could carp at. Expense? He was to spare none. +Cut? The latest and most joyous. + +The children clapped their hands and there was a lively chorus of +approval, and I had the satisfaction of hearing Josie, whose hair is +ornamently auburn, and whose face reminds me of her mother at the same +age, declare that I looked "perfectly scrumptious," a sentiment which, +in spite of its flavor of school-girl slang, seemed to express the +critical estimate of the family circle. + +"I look like a perfect idiot," I remarked, with becoming modesty, as I +surveyed myself in the glass. I did not think so, all the same. +Indeed, I was saying to myself that I had had no idea I could look so +well. Yet, after all, it is other people who decide whether one looks +like an idiot or not. + +"On the contrary," said Josephine, having surveyed me once more from +head to foot to make sure that I was in nowise peculiar, but just like +everybody else (only nicer, as she would say), "you look neat, and cool +as a cucumber, and five years younger. Doesn't he, dears?" + +"I should think so," said little Fred, who is aiming to be a dandy +himself. "Father has cut us all out completely." + +"It is a comfort to think that I shall no longer be a disgrace to my +family," I remarked with humble mien. "I may add that this is not all. +I possess not merely this costume, but I have replenished my wardrobe +utterly. When you see my new trousers, my new summer overcoat, my +assortment of neckties, my brilliant shoes--both patent leather and +strawberry roan--you will no longer be able to state, Josephine, that +my clothes lack joyousness." + +Later in the evening, after the children had gone to bed, Josephine, +who had been up stairs to inspect my purchases, sat down beside me on +the sofa, and nestled her head against my shoulder. + +"Fred, you are very good," she said. "It must have bothered you +terribly to get all those things--you, who are so busy. Everything is +lovely, and the latest and prettiest of its kind. You have shown +exquisite taste, dear; but I feel as though I had badgered you into it, +following as it does on top of the house and everything else." + +"No, dearest," I answered, stroking her hair. "I am proud of you--I am +grateful to you. A man falls behind the times before he is aware of +it. The world changes and paterfamilias ought to change with it out of +consideration for his children. You were perfectly right, Josephine, +just as you were right about the moving. Our house was too small and I +was getting to look fusty and frowsy." + +"Not so bad as that, Fred. I never said that you didn't look perfectly +clean and respectable. All I meant was that there are such pretty +things now, it seems a pity not to wear them. It wasn't the fashion to +wear them when you were young. I mean younger than you are now," she +added, patting my cheek. "I am glad, Fred, that you are reconciled to +the house. I know that I have been a thorn in your flesh for the last +eighteen months on account of it. I didn't mean to be irritating about +the moving, but I was, and my soul has been wearing sackcloth and ashes +ever since because I was so nasty. You see, Fred, in the first place, +though I pretended to be pleased at your selecting the house, I was +really dreadfully disappointed, for half the fun of a new house is +choosing it. Of course a new house chosen by some one else is better +than none at all, but a woman hates surprises of that sort, and somehow +my teeth were set on edge by the few things about the house that didn't +suit me. And then, dear," she continued, caressingly, "I don't think +it was very nice of me to meddle with your great-grandfather Plunkett's +portrait. It was too much in the line of the people who have their +ancestors painted to order. I think of it quite often at night and +blush, which shows that I have a guilty conscience on the subject, +though I can't help feeling that it has been very much improved +whenever I look at it." + +"It was a very trifling amelioration," I answered. "And, if I remember +rightly, it was I who put you up to it." + +"Yes, but you were only in jest, and I was base enough to adopt the +idea and act upon it. No, Fred, though I agree that everything has +worked out a great deal more satisfactorily than I deserve, and that we +are infinitely better off than we have ever been before in point of +comfort and general happiness, I look back on the last year and a half +as a sort of nightmare. You were content to live along steadily in the +dear old house and to toil unselfishly for us all, and I was +perpetually prodding you. It has made me feel myself to be a perfect +ogre of a woman. And yet it seemed to me to be necessary, Fred." + +"It was not merely necessary, Josephine. It was essential. Thank +goodness we have got through it so lightly! It is not every man who +survives the operation. But, as I have said to you already, I am the +one who should be grateful, and I too was the one at fault. Had you +waited for me to make the suggestion, we should have been still in that +dirty little box of a house, and I should have been wearing the same +black wisp of a necktie such as I have worn for the last fifteen years. +Kiss me, darling." + +She did so, and as she leaned her head lovingly against my breast she +looked up and said, tremulously: "It was all on account of the +children, Fred. I wish them to have every chance there is." There +spoke the fond mother-bird. The children! Are these young giants and +giantesses our children? Seemingly but yesterday they were little tots +pottering in the sand with spade and shovel, alternately angelic and +demoniac, supplying annual testimony to the inability of green apples +to oppress a hardy digestion, and free from every inkling of +responsibility save a faint, intermittent respect for parental mandate. +Now they tower before me in the glory of budding manhood and +maidenhood; lovable, yet haughty; with star-like eyes and brows +perplexed by all the problems of the universe; God-like in their +devotion to principle, though distressingly eager for pocket-money. + +"Fred," whispers the dear woman at my side, breaking in upon my +cogitation, "what were you like as a boy--er--a young man, I mean?" + +Her words are the answering echo to my own secret thought. Like myself +she is groping for light and counsel. May not the cleverest man and +woman fitly quail before the soul-hunger of eager adolescent youth? +And I do not profess to be clever. + +"What were you like as a young woman?" + +"I was afraid you would make that answer," she murmurs, reproachfully. +"Oh, I have forgotten!" + +"And if we could remember, Josephine, it would not help us very much. +Each generation finds the world a virgin field. Somehow, though, I had +fancied that when we had seen them through the scarlet fever and landed +them in college, it would be plain sailing. We have to begin all over +again, though, and the second half promises to be the most difficult." + +"I know it. And think how we worried, or rather tried not to worry, +over them when they were little things, and how we fancied there were +no problems to compare in difficulty with supplying them with proper +food and proper masters. In the last fifteen years they have had +everything--chicken-pox, measles, whooping-cough, mumps, and scarlet +fever. And they've collected everything--postage-stamps, minerals, +butterflies, coins, and cigarette pictures. And they've kept +everything--rabbits, goats, bull-terriers, white mice, a pony, and +guinea-pigs." + +"And owned, and subsequently discarded, to my certain knowledge, a +music-box, doll's-house, puppet-show, printing-press, steam-engine, +aquarium, and camera." + +"Yes, and over and above their school learning they've been taught to +swim, ride, dance, use tools, play on the piano, and speak fair to +middling French. Yet, as you say, Fred, the most difficult part is to +come, just as we fancied that we were through. And the terrible +reflection is that we're not so sure now what we ought to do for them +as we were when they were younger." + +"Precisely, dear." + +"And it seems sometimes very strange to me, Fred, that though they've +eaten out of the same dish, as it were, all their days, and had the +same opportunities, they should be so totally unlike one another +physically, mentally, and morally. It's impossible to lay down any +hard-and-fast rule for them now, as one could do when they were little." + +It is indeed. I see them on the threshold of manhood and maidenhood +looking up to my wife and me for guidance and counsel, though they +pretend to be sufficient to themselves in matters of judgment. A word +of encouragement or of disapproval from us may be the turning-point in +their destinies, may set the seal on what they are to become. Even as +the flowers are drawn by the sun and the willows follow the prevailing +wind, their young lives may be turned to good or saved from ill by our +loving sympathy or remonstrance in the nick of time. We clinch our +fingers in the stress of uncertainty. Good counsel? Yes, a thousand +times yes; but who will counsel the counsellors? + +How the world has changed since Josephine and I were their age! More +particularly that choicest section of it which we were taught to think +and speak of as the land of the free and the home of the brave. As I +look back now in philosophic mood, simplicity seems to me to have been +the keynote of our day. Not merely had the gladsome flannel costume +and the Indian pajamas not yet begun to force an issue with the +oratorical black broadcloth coat and the up-and-down white nightgown. +There were no shingle stains to speak of but those of time and +eternity, and he who owned a vehicle of any kind must needs be careful +that it was of sombre hue and homely pattern. Among the fixed truths +which we imbibed with the maternal milk, and from the prejudice of +which I never expect to be wholly free, were these: That though the +blatant blast of the Western politician offend the sensitive ear of +culture by exaggeration, it is still true that we are the greatest +nation under the sun by virtue of our total disregard of everything +which other nations have held fast to; that the American woman is a +newly created species; that George Washington never told a lie; that +though France was on our side in our struggle for Independence, for +which we should ever be profoundly grateful, the custom of handing over +young people to be married at parental dictate, coupled with certain +hoarse suspicions of an unmentionable character, must be an everlasting +barrier between us and the Gaul; that, nevertheless, if a man will have +his fling, he may do so in Paris once without being held to strict +account for it, provided that he comes home and lives a respectable +life ever after on this side the water; that Russia's ill-treatment of +the serf and general barbaric conditions are to be overlooked on +account of the friendliness she displayed toward us in our hour of +need, barbarism being on the whole a less crucial blemish than the +above-mentioned peculiarities of our other ally; and that everyone +should hitch his wagon to a star. + +In this last injunction lay, perhaps, the gist of the whole matter. To +hitch one's wagon to a star was to be, primarily, a plain person, to go +in for truth, patriotism, fineness of soul, long hours of labor, little +exercise and no vacations, pies and doughnuts, ugliness of physical +surroundings, and squeaky feminine voices. Public opinion justified +making all the money one could, provided it was not spent in rendering +life ornate or beautiful. So lived our fathers and mothers, our +up-right, vigorous, single-minded, ascetic predecessors; and in our day +their precepts were still held in reverence. Yet even then there were +indications of a change. The newly created species took it into her +head to look around her, especially in summer, first by itineraries +along the rock-bound coast of her native land, and later by amazon-like +pilgrimages abroad. She invented Bar Harbor, and while electrified +Europe held its breath perambulated Paris alone and climbed Mont Blanc +with a single man. She also made the pertinent discovery that her +popper's purse was pudgy with the proceeds of wheat, corn, dry goods, +and railway shares. Though she still urged the successive youths who +strolled and sat under her Japanese sunshade to hitch their wagons to +heavenly bodies, she gave it sweetly, and little by little to be +understood that chastity among women and high resolve among men need +not preclude more picturesque paraphernalia and a broader field of +investigation. She bought French clothes; her brothers took the hint +from her, and hied them to Paris and Vienna to pursue their studies; +penetrated to Pekin and Constantinople, and hunted the tiger in the +jungles of India, while popper's pudgy purse grew more and more +plethoric despite the drafts upon it. Purification by pie waned, and +the first Queen Anne cottage reared its head. + +I wooed and won Josephine in those early, transitory days when the +influence of the past was still upon us, though we foresaw and caught +glimpses of the new. We were simple souls. I believe that Josephine's +wagon was hitched to a star; else I could not have loved her. And she +believed the same of mine. She wandered in the panoply of her maiden +independence to far-off rookeries attended by me only (or some other +swain only). Though we were fain to discuss De Musset and Herbert +Spencer, Darwin and Dobson, George Eliot and Philip Gilbert +Hamerton--strange names to the elder generation--our scheme of life was +still essentially grave and plain for all Josephine's Japanese sunshade +and tendency to make the most of her willowy figure. Little did we +dream of the later development which, like a huge wave, was to sweep +over the land of the free and the home of the brave, overwhelming its +native simplicity with the virtues, tastes, and vices of the other +nations against which our forefathers barred the door. Palaces in all +but the name stand where the buffalo was wont to disport himself, and +where the American eagle in human form once flapped his wings and +screamed most viciously in contempt of the effete civilization of the +older world. Sons and daughters of the pioneers who bolted their +dinners on the stroke of twelve find seven too early for elegant +convenience. Among the reddest and palest of hot-house roses, which +deck their tables, glisten glass of Venetian pattern and china from the +bankrupt stock of kings. According to their intellectualities their +talk is of labor and capital, of working-girls' clubs and model +tenement-houses, of Buddha and Zola, of foreign titles, and +transplanted fox-hunting. To-day a hundred thousand dollars is barely +a competency, and a building less than a dozen stories high dwarfs the +highway of trade. The vestibule limited, the ocean grey-hound, the +Atlantic cable, and the voice-bearing telephone have made all nations +kin, and bid fair to amalgamate society. Even the newly created +species condescends to swap her birthright for a coronet. + +All this has come to pass while Josephine and I have been plodding +along the route of all flesh, trying not to forget our early +aspirations. We have changed our dinner-hour with the rest of the +world; we have learned to talk more or less unintelligently about the +sweating system and Buddhism; we have bowed our necks to the yoke of +the electric wire. Now that Josephine has spurred me on to it, I have +even bought a modern house, and replenished my wardrobe so as to keep +pace with thought and custom. But, nevertheless, sitting here in my +renovated easy-chair, with my feet stretched toward the brass andirons +which were the pride of one of my great-grandmothers, listening to the +ticking of the old-fashioned clock which belonged to another of them, +and conscious that the eyes of my most distinguished ancestor are +looking down at me from the wall, I feel bewildered, as it were, by +this latter-day metamorphosis, bristling with new and formidable +problems. Whither is civilization tending? What is one to think of it +all? And by the shades of my forefathers, purified by pie, how shall +we best help our sons and daughters to hitch their wagons to stars? +That is what is worrying Josephine and me. + + + + +IV + +We have just faced our first serious problem. + +Said my wife to me one day not long ago, handing me the newspaper as +she spoke, "Look at this, my dear. Little Fred has been selected to +play on the University foot-ball eleven." + +By way of contradistinction to me, who am rather short and slight, my +namesake and eldest son is still habitually spoken of in the family as +Little Fred, notwithstanding that he is a head taller than I, and a +strongly built, muscular youth into the bargain. He is in college--a +sophomore--and I do not hesitate to declare that when he left school he +was about as clean cut a young fellow, both mentally and physically, as +anyone would wish to see. I have always encouraged him to take a +sensible amount of exercise and have been glad that he seemed fond of +the athletic sports in vogue among the growing lads of the country and +did not need to be prodded, like his brother David for instance, to +keep out of doors. I have been aware that he has been a prominent +member of an amateur base-ball nine and foot-ball eleven, and I have +been proud to follow in a confused sort of fashion, for the technical +terms have changed sadly since I was a boy, the defeats and victories, +principally the latter, I think, of those illustrious organizations. +Although I was never his equal physically, I look back with +considerable pride to my own foot-ball days, and my children have heard +me repeatedly describe the famous dash which I once made with the ball +from one end of the field to the other, with Tom Ruggs, the butcher's +boy, at my heels, and how he never caught me until after I had sent it +flying over the goal line, and we had won the game. That was a long +time ago now, and we played a very different game, as I have since +discovered. I hear a great deal said nowadays about the lack of +attention which the older generation gave to manly sports. We did not +make much fuss about them, I agree, and consequently some boys may have +been allowed to grow to manhood without proper physical training; but +it seems to me that most of us were playing something in the fresh air +the greater portion of the time. However, I have always been a great +believer in manly sports and I wish to continue to be. + +When my boy entered college I remember telling him kindly but +explicitly that it was a costly matter to send him there, and that I +should expect him to make the most of the opportunities for improvement +which were offered him. I knew that he was not especially clever at +his books like his brother David, yet at the same time I had set him +down as a sensible, wide-awake fellow with at least an average amount +of brains and with plenty of tact and common sense. It was my hope +that he would devote himself to political economy and mathematics, in +which case I should try and find an opening for him after graduation +with the firm of Leggatt & Paine, our leading bankers. I expected, of +course, that he would continue to take a suitable amount of exercise, +to keep himself in good trim; row on the river and not altogether +renounce base-ball. Indeed, although I was aware that collegiate +sports were a much more serious tax on a student's time than in my day, +I should not have seriously demurred had he been selected to row on the +University crew or play on the University base-ball nine. I should +have greatly preferred to have him steer clear of both; still, I try to +remember that I was once his age myself, and I am given to understand +that the rivalry between the several colleges in these matters is more +intense than ever. There was a time when nothing seemed to me of such +vital interest as whether Harvard or Yale won the boat race. The +Darwinian theory paled in comparative importance beside it. Indeed, I +still take more interest in it than it deserves, perhaps. +Nevertheless, I took pains to impress upon Fred that his studies were +to be his first consideration. + +We did not play foot-ball in college when I was there, which was the +reason, perhaps, why I assumed that it was a boy's game, to be shuffled +off with other purely youthful sports when one became a dignified +student. I had heard here and there the statement that it was a rough +game, which did not impress me very much, recalling as I did my own +hacked shins. It was not until I read my friend Horace Plympton's +letter to the _Evening Times_, that my attention was particularly +called to the matter. Horace seemed to have lashed himself into a +perfect fury on the subject. He stigmatized the modern game as it was +played by University students as a barbaric spectacle, dangerous to +limb, if not to life. Horace has always been more or less of a +pepper-pot, but he is not exactly a croaker, and he served in the war +with distinction. Hence his diatribe made me frown, even though it +rather amused me. It was written in the autumn of the year before Fred +went to Cambridge, and I read it aloud to the family circle as being of +interest to a sub-freshman. + +"What perfect nonsense!" exclaimed that profound young gentleman, when +I had finished. "The man who wrote that letter is a flub-dub, father." + +Though not aware of the precise meaning of this epithet, I realized +that it was a severe arraignment. I felt, too, that my manner of +reading the communication had given license to my boy's tongue. I +answered, therefore, with some unction: + +"The writer, Horace Plympton, is a brave and sensible man. I know him +very well." + +"I guess he never kicked foot-ball." + +"In his day the young men who were fortunate enough to be sent to +college were better occupied. Foot-ball? It is a game for +high-schools, not universities." + +"It is the greatest game of the day, father," said my sub-freshman, +with the haughty consciousness of superior knowledge which the waning, +though reigning, generation has so often to bow to. + +Of course that settled the question. I believe that I made a futile +remark to the effect that the president ought to put a stop to it, or +something of the sort, but I knew enough to know that I had been +convicted of error. I saw Fred glance at his sisters, and all three at +their mother, who looked anxious in her desire not to seem to take +sides against me, though manifestly sympathizing with them. I said to +myself that if foot-ball was the greatest game of the day, I was not +going to put my foot down and prevent my boys from playing it merely +because I was old fogy enough not to understand that it was the +greatest game of the day, and Horace Plympton had written a letter to +the _Evening Times_. Accordingly, when the time came for Fred to go to +college I merely cautioned him generally against wasting his time, and +uttered no fulminations against foot-ball in particular. + +"On the University foot-ball eleven?" I echoed, taking the newspaper +from my wife, and as I read I felt a little lump of emotional pride +rise in my throat. There it was, sure enough, in black and white, +though I could not help wondering why the fact was of importance enough +to be chronicled in the daily press along with the telegraphic news, +and the deaths and marriages. It was evidently a matter of +considerable moment, though I could not quite see why. + +"He will be perfectly delighted," said Josephine. "He has been +extremely doubtful whether he would be chosen. Oh, Fred," she +exclaimed, in a tone of solicitude, "do you really think it's safe?" + +How exactly that was like a woman. Here was my wife, who had secretly +aided and abetted her son in his design, and been the recipient of his +hopes and fears on the subject, turning to me, who had dared to utter a +feeble protest or two only to be scoffed at, and summarily sat upon, +asking if the game was really safe. + +"There are certain risks in this world that a man has to take," I +answered, borrowing the sentiment which she had uttered on the occasion +of our affair with the burglars. + +Josephine did not appreciate my irony. "Why, oh why, did you give your +consent to his playing foot-ball?" she asked, tragically. "I +understand that it is a terribly rough and dangerous game." + +"I give my consent? This is monstrous, Josephine, monstrous. I did +not wish to be a killjoy and a marplot, or I would have forbidden Fred +to touch a foot-ball after he entered college. Had you, my dear, given +me the least bit of support, I should have nipped the whole business in +the bud. Yet now you seek to throw the blame on me." + +The suggestion of the dire parental sternness of which I had evidently +just missed being guilty caused her thoughts to fly off on an opposite +tack. "The poor darling, his heart was so set on being chosen," she +said. "I am sure, Fred, it would have been a terrible blow to him if +he had not succeeded." + +"I dare say that it was his chief motive in going to college," I +interjected, a little indignantly. + +"I really think it was," she murmured, with sweet maternal sympathy. +"I shall live though in constant dread until it is over and done with." + +"What is over and done with?" + +"The Harvard-Yale foot-ball match. It's on account of that he's been +so anxious to belong. And, Fred, he said to me the other day that if +he was chosen, he hoped that we would go to Springfield to see the +game. It is terrible to think that I might see him killed before my +eyes, but he is set on our going." + +"It is all a piece of infernal nonsense," I remarked, with majestic +dignity; nevertheless, the idea did not strike me as a bad one. To +tell the truth, I was beginning to be curious to see this game, which, +according to the views of my eldest son, was the greatest game of the +day, and to those of Horace Plympton a barbaric spectacle. + +And now befell me a curious experience; at least it seemed to me such. +I found that I, who, though considered an industrious and painstaking +lawyer, have never awakened any especial interest in the community, had +acquired lustre and importance by virtue of the circumstance that I had +a son on the University foot-ball eleven. College graduates of various +ages, who had hitherto classed me with the general run of their +acquaintance, grew suddenly cordial and congratulatory in their manner, +and I had the satisfaction of reading in the public prints an item to +the effect that Frederick ----, the father of the well-known half-back +of the Harvard University foot-ball eleven, had recently visited New +York for a few days. Altogether I had become, for the first time in my +existence, an object of consequence to my fellow-citizens, and almost +to the world at large. + +As for the hero himself, he bore his importance modestly and meekly, +though he evidently considered that he had rescued the family name from +obscurity and set it gloriously in the public eye by dint of his +renown. He was in strict training, and fiercely conscientious as to +what he ate and drank, and as to his hours of sleep. Little was heard +in the house when he was at home but conjecture and estimate as to who +was likely to win in the impending contest. Had I been properly +attentive, I might have learned from his lips not merely the names and +nicknames of the members of the respective teams and the positions on +the field they were to fill, but their weights in fighting trim, their +fine points both as foot-ball kickers and as men, and not improbably +their love affairs. When now and then, as occasionally happened, I +betrayed by an unfortunate question or by unappreciative silence my +lack of familiarity with this or that celebrity, the look of wondering +pity with which my boy, and indeed every member of the family, regarded +me made me feel myself to be a veritable ignoramus. Josephine and her +girls knew the whole business from beginning to end, and I must confess +that I secretly drank in more than I pretended. + +A fortnight before the match was to come off Sam Bangs, who, as some of +you will remember, is a second cousin of mine and rather a pal of +Josephine's, appeared at the house one evening and laid before me, in +his engaging, plausible fashion, a project which he and his wife and my +wife had cooked up between them. He and Josephine assured me, in the +first place, that I wouldn't have the least bother in the matter, and +that everything would be perfectly plain running for the reason that +Sam was intimate with the manager of the railroad, and that little Fred +had secured the requisite number of tickets for the game. Then he +proceeded to inform me that they had conceived the idea of going to see +the game at Springfield in a private special car; that the manager had +promised to let him have one, and that it would be much more jolly to +go with a few friends like that and have a luncheon comfortably served +by a caterer than to be lumped in the common cars with Tom, Dick, and +Harry, who were liable to be noisy students, or still more noisy +prize-fighters, and starve; that there were several people crazy to go +whom it would be very pleasant to have, notably Mrs. Guy Sloane and +Mrs. Walter Warner (nee Polly Flinders), and that the expense would be +comparatively trifling. + +"I think it would be particularly nice, Fred, on Josie's account," +added my wife. "I should ask two or three of her girls, and some boys +to match. She is inclined to be shy, and this would be just the +occasion to help her to feel at her ease with young men. Then I +thought you would like to have a chat with Polly Warner; you so rarely +see her now, and you and she used to get on so well together; and you +know Mrs. Guy Sloane always stimulates you. I think you would have a +very good time; and, as Sam says, it's a Dutch treat, so the expense +would fall on everybody alike." + +Seeing that Josephine's heart was set on going in just that way, I did +not attempt to interpose objections. I took the liberty, however, of +remarking that, though we as the parents of one of the players had a +reason for going, I could not understand why a cultivated woman like +Mrs. Guy Sloane was willing, crazy indeed according to what they had +said, to take so much trouble to see a pack of college youths knock +each other about. In answer to this, Sam declared that every man, +woman, and child in the city who could possibly get away was going to +Springfield; that trains were to be run every fifteen minutes, and that +no less than twenty special private cars in addition to ours had been +chartered for the occasion. Again I hung my diminished head before +this broadside of superior information. Sam was perfectly right. I +have rarely seen such a crowd in a small compass as was collected at +the railway station before we started. How we ever reached Sam, who +made himself visible to me at last across an ocean of heads by lifting +himself on the shoulders of obliging friends, and found our special car +seems mysterious to me as I look back upon it. It really appeared as +though every man, woman, and child in the city _were_ going, from the +highest officials of the State and our leading citizens in various +fields to the veriest street Arab who had managed to beg, borrow, or +earn the requisite fare. Everybody, or nearly everybody, carried a +flag, and Josephine seemed to think that I, as a Harvard man and the +father of the half-back of the team, was lacking in enthusiasm because +I had not got possession of one. + +"It will be time enough for enthusiasm when we win the match," I +remarked, sententiously, though what with the general crowd and the +files of students bubbling over with Rah-rah-rahs as they tore along +the platform to find seats in the several trains, I was beginning to +feel very tremulous about the gills, so to speak. + +I doubt if Josephine heard my answer. Her attention had suddenly been +absorbed by the sight of Mrs. Willoughby Walton, on the way to her +special car, in all her glory, which consisted of a new seal-brown +costume with tiger-skin trimmings and a retinue comprising Gillespie +Gore, Dr. Henry Meredith, the specialist on nervous diseases (who, like +everybody else, had evidently taken a day off), and half a dozen youths +who looked young enough to be freshmen. She was frantically waving a +crimson flag, which she shook at the windows of our car as she passed +with the spirit of a belle of nineteen. + +"That woman is simply wonderful," murmured my darling. "She is +fifty-five if she is a day, but she will not give up." + +"Rah! rah! rah! Harvard!" I ejaculated hysterically. I felt that I +was getting rattled, as my famous son calls it. + +"Look here, Cousin Fred," said Sam Bangs at my shoulder. "Seen the +morning paper? Here he is cabinet size and a full family history +annexed. It's something which his great-grandchildren will be proud +of. Where the dickens, by the way, is Mrs. Sloane? I've been looking +for her everywhere in the station. She's coming, because she +telephoned me last night to inquire if I could squeeze one more into +our car. We'll be off in another five minutes." + +"What _do_ you mean, Sam? What is it?" asked Josephine, as she seized +and held to the light the newspaper which he was extending. + +I looked over her shoulder and broke into a cold perspiration at +beholding an execrable three-quarters length cut of my darling son +superscribed by his name in holograph. + +"It's an indecent outrage," I hissed. + +"It isn't like him in the least. No one would ever know who it was. +It makes him look like a prize-fighter," cried Josephine. + +"They've no right to print his picture at all; it'll do the boy a +serious injury by leading him to believe there is nothing else in the +world worth thinking about but foot-ball," I asserted. "What right +have they to do it?" + +"Pooh, Cousin Fred," said Sam. "It's nothing but ordinary newspaper +enterprise. They print everybody's portrait nowadays, from the common +murderer up. Your ox is gored this time, that's all. Cheer up, old +man--Rah! rah! rah! Harvard!" + +"I never supposed they would make him look like that, or I wouldn't +have let Fred have the photograph to give them," said Josephine, +forlornly. + +"Do you mean that you gave it to them?" I asked, in horror. + +"It was to Fred I gave it. He said that his picture was to appear with +the others, and that he must have a photograph. But they have made him +much the worst looking of them all. It's a libel on the dear boy." + +I was saved from intemperate language by the sudden advent of Mrs. Guy +Sloane, in whose custody appeared the Rev. Bradley Mason, our spiritual +adviser. They were both breathless with haste, occasioned, as we +shortly learned, by the necessity imposed on our beloved pastor of +marrying a couple before he could escape from his fold. + +"If I had ever dreamed that you would come, Mr. Mason, I should have +sent you an invitation myself," said Josephine, whose delight, as I +perceived, was tinged with jealousy. + +"I planned it as a delirious surprise," interjected Mrs. Sloane. "I +knew you would be only too glad to have him if there was room. I dare +say you thought I was a little mysterious over the telephone last +night, Mr. Bangs," she added with a blithe twist of her neck in Sam's +direction. + +"I am a thorough believer in the efficacy of manly sports on +character," I heard Mr. Mason remark to my wife. "They cannot be too +much encouraged by us all." + +"It is very kind of you to say so," said Josephine, with a radiance +which told me plainly that her qualms concerning the whole proceeding +as an educational factor were at least temporarily dispelled. "I shall +tell little Fred that you were with us. It will gratify him very much +to know that you saw the game." + +"It must be a proud day for you as a father and a college man," he +continued, with a kindly smile in my direction. + +"Really, sir, I am not altogether certain yet," I answered, a trifle +doggedly. "My judgment is in a state of suspension." + +He obviously mistook my philosophic utterance for fears concerning the +outcome of the game, inasmuch as he presently sought to soothe me by a +speech to the effect that a game well lost was a victory in ethics, +which prompted me to remark, under my breath: + +"Provided it doesn't cost a leg or a rib or two." + +"Cost nothing," cried the irrepressible Sam, whose ear caught what I +had meant for an aside. "He'll come out of it all right, Cousin Fred. +We're bound to win too. Rah! rah! rah! Harv-a-rd!" Thereupon the +engine gave a puff and a couple of snorts, and we were off. + + + + +V + +We were early on the ground. That is to say, only a few hundred people +were in their places when we arrived. The seating accommodations were +for thousands. Have you ever seen an intercollegiate foot-ball field? +If not, picture to yourself a long, level, rectangular arena about a +hundred yards long and fifty yards wide marked out with white lines at +certain regular intervals. At either end stands a crossbar supported +by two posts. These are the respective goals. All along the field on +either side runs a tall tier of seats similar to those at a hippodrome, +and there are tiers of seats also opposite the ends; but the best seats +are likely to be those on either side in proximity to the middle of the +field. + +Sam Bangs led the way with the confident tread of a drum-major down the +Harvard side--for the custom is to apportion the seats on one of the +long sides of the field among the friends of one college, and those on +the other correspondingly--until he reached a desirable location. Then +we established ourselves according to his directions and waited. It +was rather a long wait--nearly two hours--during which I had ample +leisure to philosophize to the top of my bent. We had to console us +Sam's assurance that it was necessary to take time by the forelock to +this radical extent in order to secure satisfactory places. For the +next two hours a steady stream of people poured along the two sides of +the field until they became great walls of crimson and blue humanity. +Flags waved, badges fluttered, the human voice worked itself hoarse in +every form of encouraging outcry from the full-chested song to the +indiscriminate cat-call. In front of each section of seats stood a +separate youth, who at very short intervals, and at the slightest +provocation, invoked cheers upon cheers for everything and everybody, +from the captain of the team to the college coster-monger. An hour +before the game began the benches were crowded, and I seemed to have +recognized in the passing throng every person of consideration among my +acquaintance. Mrs. Willoughby Walton and her party were among the last +to arrive. I was curious to see where they would bestow themselves, +seeing that we were all packed tight as herrings, and there was only +here and there an occasional chance for another mortal to squeeze in, +and that generally at the cost of clambering over the heads of two or +three hundred people. As Josephine said to me later, I might have +known that Mrs. Walton would not put herself in any such plight. I was +just wondering what on earth her elegant procession, which had halted +in front of the section next to ours, was going to do, when of a sudden +the occupants of the two best rows of seats trooped out in orderly file +and relinquished their places to the fashionable party. Sam, after a +moment's dazed silence, which must have been gall to him, for he does +not like to be imposed upon in such matters, furnished us with the +solution of this act of legerdemain. + +They were mill hands subsidized to come early and hold the seats until +Mrs. Willoughby arrived. + +Another hour of anticipation, and then at last a roar; a roar which +runs like a fire down our side of the field, waking tired lungs to new +enthusiasm and calling into action every crimson flag and rag. Only +the wearers of the blue are quiet; their benches remain coldly silent. +The Harvard eleven have arrived on a tally-ho, and in a few minutes +more are disporting themselves like a band of prairie dogs over the +campus. The uproar is deafening, but they seem to pay no attention to +it. They strip off their crimson jerseys and concentrate their +energies on bunting and punting a leather foot-ball about the field. +They wear earth-colored canvas jackets and earth-colored knickerbockers +ending in crimson stockings, and I say to myself that they are the most +unpleasant-looking band of ruffians I have ever beheld. Nor are my +fond paternal eyes able to make a reservation in little Fred's favor on +this point. I have considerable difficulty, indeed, in distinguishing +him from his mates, though Josephine declares that she singled him out +the moment he appeared on the scene. He suggests to me a compromise +between a convict and a hod-carrier. Nevertheless, my eyes begin to +water as I follow his every movement, and my pulses throb eagerly. At +the same time I am impelled to link my arm affectionately in my son +David's, next to whom I am sitting. I cannot help wondering what he, +dear boy, is thinking of it all. He is perfectly healthy, but he is +slight, and will never be an athlete. His tastes do not run in that +direction. He graduated at school last summer next to the head of his +class, and it was no class of two, but of twenty times that number. We +were very proud of it, Josephine and I. We went to the exhibition and +saw him receive a number of prizes. It was a pleasant occasion, but +how trifling and insignificant were the plaudits he received compared +with the uproarious ovation accorded a successful half-back. I feel +almost indignant, even in the midst of my excitement over little Fred, +and would fain throw my arms round his brother's neck and whisper that +he must not take the matter to heart, and that the whole business is +terribly unjust. + +Now comes another uproar, and this time from the opposite side of the +field. The Yale eleven have arrived and are stripping off their +jerseys. They career over the arena in dirt color and dark blue, while +the dark blue benches surge tumultuously. There is no more delay. The +umpire calls the game, and the two sides line up for action. I feel +Josephine, who is on my other side, clutch my arm and sigh. There is +only one object for her on the field, as I well know. She has been +trying to learn the rules from Sam for the last half hour (she doubts +my knowledge on such subjects nowadays), and I can see that she is +seeking in vain to concentrate her mind on her new-found information +and to shut out the vision of little Fred being borne off the field on +a litter. I confess that Horace Plympton's letter recurs to me for a +moment, but I shake myself and utter an inward "Pooh!" and haughtily +determine to view the contest dispassionately and from the standpoint +of a third person and a philosopher. + +Harvard has won the toss and is to have the ball. In my day we had to +kick it; now it is manipulated with the hands, and not forward, but +backward. The players form a phalanx, and one of their number snaps, +as it is called, the ball between his legs to someone behind him, who +in turn passes it to another, who is expected to make a forward dash +with it. Before I can quite realize what is being done the Harvard men +are speeding toward the Yale goal in a V-shaped body. Little Fred has +the ball. Or rather he had it. All I can see now is an indiscriminate +mass of bodies, legs, and arms. A great pile of men are struggling on +the ground, and I have reason to believe that little Fred is at the +bottom of the pile. + +"A scrimmage," says Sam, looking round at Josephine. + +"Oh, yes," she answers, with apparent calm, but I can feel her tremble. + +"This is nothing; it's like this most of the time," says Sam. "You see +he's all right, and----" + +A yell cuts him short. + +"Good enough! Harvard still has the ball," he continues, at its close. + +"Can you see him?" whispers Josephine in my ear. + +"He's all right," I murmur, assuringly. + +See him! I can see him distinctly. He has lost his cap already; his +hair is in wild confusion; he is covered with dirt from head to foot; +he limps a little. But Harvard still has the ball. And Sam says it is +nothing and like this most of the time. Sam must know. + +"Rah! rah! rah! Harvard!" I cry with the rest unflinchingly. + +There is a second yell, this time from our enemies. Harvard has lost +the ball and Yale has it. And now before my bewildered eyes scrimmage +follows scrimmage with fierce iteration, and one pile of bodies, arms, +and legs succeeds another. The player, fortunate enough to carry or +force the ball a yard or more toward the rival goal by a frantic rush +before he is overwhelmed and squashed, reaps a whirlwind of applause +from the absorbed multitude. Every inch of ground is disputed. Once +in a long interval when the ball gets dangerously near a goal, someone +on the imperiled side kicks it half the length of the field, and the +scrimmages are renewed. But it is rarely kicked at all except at such +junctures. Foot-ball! I say to myself that it is a gladiatorial +combat with an occasional punt thrown in by way of identification. But +every one around me is declaring that the play of both sides is +magnificent, that the team work is perfection, and the head qualities +displayed unique in the annals of the game. Sam tells me again and +again that Fred is doing sheer wonders and is the backbone of the +Harvard side, and I wonder how he can distinguish so easily which is +Fred and whether he has any backbone left. I can no longer make out +much of anything except that one ruffian closely resembles every other +ruffian, and that one poor boy is lying on the ground perfectly still, +as though he were dead. There is just a little lull on the benches. +People are interested. + +"Who is it?" gasps Josephine. "Is it he, dear?" + +"Butchered to make a Roman holiday," I mutter between my teeth, with my +heart in my mouth. + +They are pulling and rubbing the victim, and a doctor, retained for +such emergencies, is bending over him. After a few moments more he +rises slowly, looks round him in a dazed fashion, and resumes his +position with a painful limp, to a round of applause. + +"It isn't Fred," says Josephine. + +"But he has a mother, though," I answer. + +"He'll be all right in a minute or two," says Sam. "They stamped the +wind out of him, that's all." + +To have the wind stamped out of one is a mere bagatelle, of course, and +I have forgotten it in another moment under the spur of excitement. A +Harvard player has the ball, and no one seems to be able to stop him. +He throws off his antagonist and dodges two others, and races down the +field like a deer, while the wearers of the crimson scream his name +with transport and flourish their banners like madmen. It is Fred, it +is Fred, it is Fred! I know his figure now. He has the ball and is +flying like the wind with two great brutes at his heels. Will they +catch him? Will they kill him? They are gaining on him. + +"Run--run--run," I shout, in spite of myself, while all the people on +our benches rise in their excitement, and Josephine covers her eyes +with her hands, unwilling to look. On, on my boy runs, until at last +he falls with his two pursuers on top of him full across the Yale line. + +"A touch-down, a touch-down!" bursts out Sam, as he grasps my hand in +his wild enthusiasm. I do not know exactly what has occurred except +that there is pandemonium on the Harvard side of the field unequalled +as yet by anything that has happened, and a deathly tranquility along +the benches opposite. After making sure that Fred is still alive, I +listen to the explanation that a touch-down counts a certain number of +points, and gives the right to the side which wins it to try to kick a +goal. This attempt is presently made. A player lies on the ground and +holds the ball between his hands for another to kick. Presto! the +ball sails through the air; for an instant there is agonized suspense, +and then a shout from Yale. It has failed to go between the +goal-posts, and consequently has missed. + +"Four to nothing, anyway," says Sam. "That was a magnificent run. +Rah! rah! rah! Harvard." + +Josephine is wiping her eyes and everybody in our neighborhood is +nudging each other in consequence of the news that we are blood +relations of the hero of the hour. Mrs. Sloane nods her +congratulations, and Mrs. Walton signals with a crimson flag from the +adjoining section, and our beloved pastor smiles at Josephine in his +delightful way. + +And what follows? What follows is fierce and harrowing. What follows +continues to hold that great audience spellbound to the close. The +score is four to nothing in favor of Harvard; but the Yale team, +smarting from defeat, throw themselves into the ever-recurring +scrimmages with set faces. It is not my purpose to follow the contest +in detail. I am writing as a father and philosopher, and not as a +chronicler of athletic struggles. Suffice it to state that the +scrimmages grow still more savage and earnest, and that a player from +each side is obliged by the referee to retire from the field, because +he has slugged an opponent. Suffice it to state that presently a +rusher is obliged to retire from the field by reason of a sprained +ankle. It is not little Fred, but might it not have been? Suffice it +to state that by the end of the first three-quarters of an hour--let +the uninitiated here learn that a match is divided into two bouts of +that length each, with an interim of fifteen minutes--the Yale team, by +the most magnificent work (according to Sam Bangs), has forced the ball +steadily and surely toward the Harvard line, and won a touch-down and +kicked a goal, leaving the score for the first half six to four in +favor of the blue. Just after the ball has flown between the +goal-posts, amid thunders of triumph from our enemies, the umpire calls +time. + +Suffice it to state that the second three-quarters of an hour is +largely a repetition of the first--short, furious rushes, everlasting +scrimmages, and here and there a punt. The ruffians look still more +ruffianly from frequent contact with mother-earth and the clutches of +one another. Ominous gloom and depressing silence take possession of +the friends of Harvard; their very cheers are anxious, and with good +reason. Yale has kicked another goal from the field in the first +twenty minutes and the crimson is being gradually and steadily +outplayed. My heart bleeds for my son; he will be so disappointed if +he loses. And I shall be so happy when the game is over and I am sure +that he is not maimed for life. He is doing wonders still, dear boy. +Twice I see him lying flat and motionless on the field with the wind +stamped out of him, to borrow Sam's euphemism, while his mother +wriggles in her seat in the throes of uncertainty and is hardly to be +restrained from going to him. Twice, after the doctor has fumbled over +him and water has been dashed in his face, I see Sam's diagnosis +vindicated, and my half-back rise to his feet, and the game go on as +though nothing had happened. Such episodes are a matter of course, and +not to be taken too seriously. A broken rib or two is not a vital +matter, and only one rib is broken in the second three-quarters of an +hour. Even then the poor victim does not have to be carried off on a +litter, for he is able to walk with the help of the doctor and a +friend. It is not Fred; Fred has merely had the wind stamped out of +him a few times and is still doing wonders. Will it never end? I look +at my watch feverishly. The ball is close by the Harvard goal, and +Yale holds it there with the tenacity of a bull-dog. Bull-dog? They +are all bull-dogs--twenty-two bull-dogs cheek by jowl. + +"Isn't it magnificent?" murmurs Sam, looking back at me. "They have +outplayed us fairly and squarely. Only five minutes left, and the +score eleven to four against us. We're not in it. That run of Fred's +was the most brilliant play of the day, though." + +"The poor darling will be broken-hearted," whispers Josephine. + +"That is better than being broken-headed--better for us," I whisper in +reply. + +"I do hope he hasn't lost any of his front teeth. His mouth was +bleeding the last time he fell," continues his mother. + +"False ones nowadays are very satisfactory," I answer, + +Ten minutes later we are moving along with the rest of our acquaintance +on the way to the railroad. Yale has won, eleven to four, and the +bruised and battered players of both teams have departed on their +respective tally-hos, and Josephine and I are free to receive the +congratulations of our friends with a calm mind, though my darling is +still haunted by the fear that our illustrious son has left a tooth or +two on the arena. Fred's run is on everybody's lips, and we as the +authors of his being are made much of. Mr. Leggatt, the banker, works +his way up to me through the crowd at great personal distress, for he +is a fat man, in order to say, with an enthusiastic shake of the hand: + +"Great boy that of yours; splendid grit; I must have him when he +graduates." + +I sputter many thanks confusedly. Here is a strange development truly. +I had been hoping, as you may remember, to be able to go to Mr. +Leggatt, at Fred's graduation, and to ask for a clerkship for my boy on +the plea of his steadiness and sterling common sense; and now the +solicitation has come to me on the score of his grit as a foot-ball +kicker. The world seems just a little topsy-turvy, and I am not quite +sure whether to laugh or to cry. + +We got home at last somehow; and here I am sitting in my library trying +to collect my faculties and to appreciate the honor which has been +thrust upon me--the honor of being the father of a famous half-back. +To tell the truth, it sticks in my crop just a little and does not +relish to the extent which would seem appropriate. Indeed I am not +altogether sure whether I can see a distinction between being the +father of a famous half-back and the father of a famous toreador or +famous prize-fighter. I know that Leggatt and one or two others, to +whom I ventured to expose my qualms on the way home, declared them +preposterous, and that the game was magnificent discipline for both +mind and body. Come to that, the vicissitudes of a matador are +magnificent discipline for both mind and body. So are those of a +gladiator. Yet I have my doubts whether Leggatt would like to be the +father of either. Nevertheless, although he is a citizen of far +greater consideration than I, he gave me to understand that he would be +proud to be described in the newspapers as the father of a famous +half-back, and to see a son of his handed down to posterity in the +public prints as a prize animal of this description. + +I fear there must be a screw loose somewhere in my make-up as a father +and a philosopher. You remember the case of the burglars? It did not +seem to me worth while to go downstairs and expose myself to be shot. +Yet Josephine felt differently on the point. + +Moreover, I have never been able to understand why it is courageous or +meritorious to be an amateur Alpine climber, whereas many are fain to +admire the beauties of nature from an elevation where a false step or a +rotten rope would be passports to destruction. Then, again, people who +cross the ocean in dories, or fast for indefinite periods, have never +aroused my enthusiasm. On the contrary, I regard them as being in the +same general category with lunatics. I have never seen a bull-fight, +and I have sometimes fancied that I should be weak enough to attend one +out of curiosity if I happened to be in Spain at the right time; but I +am sure that I should never care to go twice. And yet I am expected to +feel proud and grateful because my eldest son has made prowess at +foot-ball the aim and object of his college course. I am trying to, +trying hard, but I fear it is no use. I should like to understand why +it is glorious or sensible for an honest, strapping fellow, who has +been sent to college by dint of some economy on the part of his +parents, to devote his entire energies to a course of training which +will entitle him to run the risk of having his legs, arms, or ribs +broken in fighting for a leather ball before several thousand people. +Of one thing I am certain already, even at the risk of seeming to agree +with Horace Plympton, which is, that if I had another son with like +proclivities, I should put a stop to it. + +But then, as Josephine reminds me, the fact that our David does not +care a picayune for anything of the sort, robs my resolve of much of +its solemnity. I might, to be sure, interpose a mandate at this late +hour and cut off little Fred in the flower of his renown, and (to quote +my wife once more) break his heart; which might be a more serious +consequence than a broken leg. No, I am inclined to think, on the +whole, now that the mischief is done, we may as well let him follow the +path he has chosen, especially as Leggatt has his eye on him and has +promised to give him a start. We must live in the hope that the breath +will not be trampled out of him once too often before that desirable +result is brought to pass. Moreover, if he is borne of the field on a +litter, it will not be in the presence of his parents. We have seen +one gladiatorial combat, and our thirst for gore is sated. + +Henceforth we shall be content to cower by the hearth on the days when +the great matches are played and fancy each ring at the door-bell the +summons of a telegraphic emissary. And by way of celebrating our first +escape from bereavement, I am going to present our David with a gold +watch for the excellent showing he made in his studies last summer. + + + + +VI + +Little Fred has been graduated from college without the loss of his +front teeth or an eye. He has a few scars, which will not permanently +disfigure him; and though he halts slightly as the result of a strained +tendon in the calf of one of his legs, Dr. Meredith assures us that +this is chiefly a nervous symptom, which will pass off presently. He +says Fred is a little run down, and he advises raw eggs and milk +between meals. I assume that the doctor is right, but it seems strange +to me that a boy should get run down through foot-ball exercise. +However, he is to go abroad for six months, which ought to mend +matters, and then buckle down to work with Leggatt & Paine. He is an +honest, manly fellow, who will make friends, and, provided he does not +break his neck in following the hounds or playing polo, is likely to do +well. + +David, my second boy, is a born chemist and a genuine book-lover +besides. He is at the School of Science, to which we decided to send +him, instead of to college, in view of the fact that his proclivities +were in the line of gases and forces rather than Greek roots and +history. He is doing famously, I believe; and though I am a profound +ignoramus on such matters, I should not be at all surprised if he were +to make a name for himself early in life by some valuable discovery in +the electrical or bacillic line. He has lately made a test of all the +wall-papers and upholstery in our house, and discovered, to our dismay, +that there is arsenic in pretty nearly everything, including some of +the bed-sheets, which, strange to state, in spite of their innocent +appearance, proved to be particularly full of the deleterious poison. +We have had to overhaul everything in consequence, and Josephine firmly +believes that Fred's nervous halt is due to the presence of arsenic in +his system, for the bed-sheets in his college room belonged to the +condemned batch. Seeing that the rest of us are perfectly well, I +secretly suspect that late hours and tobacco are more to blame than +arsenic for my athletic son's condition; but in the teeth of scientific +warning I have not ventured to run the risk of continued exposure, and +have consented to the purchase of new carpets, curtains, window-shades, +and other household apparel. + +I am much more concerned, to tell the truth, lest some of the germs +which David is cosseting in his bed-chamber may get loose and ravage +the community. He has a bacillus farm, where, according to his +account, the cholera germ, the germ of tuberculosis, the typhoid-fever +germ, and the diphtheria germ are growing side by side for his private +edification. As Josephine says, there are certain risks which a brave +man has to take; but I am not sure that this is one of them. Even my +darling is a little anxious on the score of contamination, in spite of +her scientific son's assurance that his pets are thoroughly harmless. + +I do not really know whether Josephine is prouder of Fred or of David. +Certainly her mind is comparatively at rest regarding them both, +notwithstanding my second troy is not quite like other people. I do +not mean that he is boorish or eccentric, merely that he is bookish and +self-absorbed. He takes no interest in his personal appearance, and he +avoids every young woman except his sisters. Fred is dandified, keenly +fond of the social interests of the day and of the other sex. I +foresee that he bids fair to be a leading man of affairs, and to figure +prominently in society, and later on to become a member of Congress or +to be sent abroad as a foreign minister. But he is just like everybody +else, so to speak; or rather he accepts the world as he finds it and +accommodates himself to it. Now, David is cast in a different mould. +He is essentially unconventional. And yet, though his mother sighs now +and then over his repugnance to young ladies, and tries to badger him +into looking a little more spruce, I can perceive that she is +thoroughly proud of his originality and independence, and believes that +he is even more likely than his conventional brother to distinguish +himself and immortalize the family name. Josephine used to say, when +the boys were little, that she hoped one of them would be a clergyman, +and I know that she has more sympathy than I--and I have +considerable--with a scheme of life which entertains starving in a +garret for the sake of art or science as a meritorious contingency. +She has held up before her boys, since their earliest childhood, the +perils of idle and purely worldly living, and spurred them to make the +most of themselves. + +Curiously enough, our two girls are just as dissimilar to each other as +Fred and David. Josie, the elder--who, as I have already specified, +is, according to the world at large, the image of her mother at the +same age--will not be troublesome in the least degree, so my wife tells +me. She has taken to society as a duck takes to water. She has a +natural aptitude for pleasing and being pleased; consequently she has +plenty of partners. My wife says that, considering the dear child was +all legs and arms three years ago, we have every reason to congratulate +ourselves that she has turned out such a pleasant-looking girl, and +that her red hair is decidedly ornamental. I call her handsome, but +Josephine declares that I make myself ridiculous by the assertion, and +that it is very rare that a girl who has not really a ray of beauty to +commend her becomes such a thorough-going favorite in her first season. + +"She constantly reminds me of you, and that is enough for me," I +remarked, tenderly, on one occasion. + +"You make me boil when you say that, Fred. I was really a very pretty +girl, if I do say it; whereas Josie, the sweet soul, only just escapes +being homely. Her smile and her hair save her, so that she passes. +But it is a libel to compare her with what I was at her age. We must +look facts in the face, dear." + +"People tell me every day that she is the living image of her mother," +I answered humbly. + +"People are idiots. They know you will believe it because you are a +man. They don't dare tell me anything of the sort. No, Fred, we must +build all our hopes of beauty on Winona." + +"Ah!" I remarked, with an intonation of pride; "even her mother will +not be able to pick a flaw in _her_." + +"She is a very handsome girl, but----" + +Josephine stopped short, and I could see that her lip was trembling +with emotion. + +"There is no 'but,'" I protested. "Whatever Josie may be, Winona is a +raving beauty." + +"Oh, yes, Fred, I am perfectly satisfied with her looks. That makes it +all the harder. I'm on tenterhooks lest she is going to be queer." + +"Queer?" I inquired, with agitation, dreading some disclosure of mental +derangement. + +"Odd--not like other people. It would break my heart, Fred. She is +seventeen, and she doesn't take the slightest interest in coming out. +You remember I had her appear for an hour at Josie's party, and that +she was surrounded by young men from the moment she entered the room +until I sent her to bed? Most girls would have been in danger of +having their heads turned. Winona was bored." + +"She will get over that as soon as she is a year older. She is shy." + +"She is not shy. If she were shy I should think nothing of it. She +declares that society is all nonsense, and that she wishes never to +come out at all." + +"What an egregiously sensible girl," I murmured. + +"I hope you will not encourage her, Fred," pleaded my darling. "I have +counted so much on her. If Josie had taken it into her head to be +queer, I shouldn't have said a word, for I think myself that is often +for a plain girl's happiness not to have to undergo the ordeal of being +neglected; but in the case of a beauty like Winona it would be such a +waste! There is not a girl of her age who compares with her in beauty." + +"What is it she wishes to do?" I asked, with a knitted brow. A man is +apt to leave the management of his own daughters to his wife, even +though he is a philosopher and prolific in theories. I had rather +taken it for granted that certain advanced notions of mine regarding +the conduct of women's lives would be allowed to lie dormant in my +brain for lack of an animating cause, or, more accurately speaking, for +lack of moral courage on my part to exploit them for the benefit of my +own flesh and blood. It is more satisfactory to try experiments in the +line of education on some one else's children. Besides, I had argued +that Josephine was the proper person to propose a departure from the +established method, in conformity with which conclusion I had paid out +a handsome round sum for a coming-out party and a social wardrobe for +my eldest girl. But now I felt in conscience bound to prick up my ears. + +"She doesn't know herself what she wishes to do," said my wife, +dejectedly. "She is daft on the subject of books and education." + +"Is not that rather to her credit?" I ventured to inquire. + +Josephine gazed at me as though my words had stung her. + +"Of course it is to her credit," she replied, almost fiercely. "You +know perfectly well, Fred, I have encouraged the girls to study and +cultivate their minds in every conceivable manner, and that I have +always said they should have equal advantages in the way of education +with their brothers so far as it was possible to procure them. I have +just told you that if Josie had wished to be a student and to go in for +a career of some kind, I should have been perfectly willing; yes, I +should have been glad. But it does seem hard that they should change +places, and the one who is a radiant beauty, and sure to be universally +admired, should take it into her head to cut loose from society. I +remember saying when she was christened that we were gambling with +Divine Providence in giving her such an individualizing name, for fear +she would grow up a fright. I little thought I was running the risk of +such a contingency as this." + +"It _is_ hard, Josephine," I murmured, wishing to be sympathetic. "I +think, though, you are a little premature in taking it for granted that +Winona will not come round all right in the end." + +My darling shook her head. "She may consent to go about in order to +please me, but her heart will never be in it. Oh, I know!" she added, +with another outburst, as though she were arguing with an accusing +spirit, "that society is all very frivolous in theory and a waste of +time, and that the moralists and people who never had the chance to go +anywhere would tell me I ought to be thankful to have a daughter who +cares for something besides going to balls and dinner-parties and +flirting with young men. That's the way they would look at it; but +they might argue until they were black in the face and they couldn't +make me feel otherwise than disappointed. And, what is more, I believe +that Winona will be very sorry herself ten years hence if she +perseveres in her present determination." + +These last words were spoken by my wife almost tragically, and it was +evident to me that they proceeded from the heart. I am free to confess +that when Josephine gives utterance to opinions with so much +earnestness as this I cannot help feeling that there must be more or +less truth in them. She may be no philosopher, but she is a sensible +woman. And especially in a matter where another woman, and one of her +own flesh and blood, besides, is concerned, it would certainly seem as +though she would be apt to be right. This whole business of the +emancipation of woman is one well adapted to drive a philosopher, to +say nothing of the father of a family, crazy. Naturally I wish my +daughters to become all that they ought to be. On the other hand, if a +paterfamilias cannot trust his better half on this particular subject, +he may as well imitate the example of certain savage tribes, and make +mince-meat of the girls. Perhaps I seem to be worked up on the +subject? Well, I am. The din of the moralists, and of the people who +have never had a chance to go anywhere, is in my ears, and I cannot get +altogether rid of it. Let us start afresh and attack the question from +another point of view. + +There is no doubt, even to the average masculine mind, although the +possessor of the mind may not publish the fact on the house-tops, that +the most interesting product of this enlightened century is emancipated +woman. There are certain enthusiasts, though principally of the +emancipated sex, who are already so confident as to the rapid future +progress and ultimate glorious evolution of womankind that they are +ready to venture the prediction to people whom they think they can +trust, that sooner or later there will be no more men. Whether this +desirable result is to be brought about by the gradual extinction or +snuffing out of the hitherto sterner sex by a process of killing +kindness, or by the discovery of a system of generation whereby women +only will be procreated, is not foretold by these seers of the future; +accordingly, while one might not be warranted in dismissing the theory +as untenable, its fulfilment may fairly be regarded as a remote +expectancy, and consigned to the consideration of real philosophers. + +There is no doubt, though, that woman has been kept down for +generations, and has only just begun to bob up serenely, to hazard a +coloquial metaphor. The eyes of civilization are upon her, and there +is legitimate curiosity from Christiania to Yokohama to discover what +she is going to do. To me as a philosopher, and taking into account +one consideration with another, including Josephine's plaint, it seems +as though woman would have much plainer sailing in her progress toward +reconstruction if it were not that she is so exceedingly good-looking +in spots and bunches. Let her distinction as an ornamental factor be +totally negatived and overcome, and there is no telling how rapidly she +might progress. By ornament, I mean, of course, not merely beauty of +face and form, but sweetness of speech, delicacy of physique and +sentiment, captivating clothes, and all those distinguishing +characteristics which have tended to fasten upon the female sex the +epithet of gentle. It will generally be admitted that women of homely +presence, clumsy in their gait, dowdy in their dress, and raucous in +their intonation, are much safer from the infliction of gallantries at +the hands or lips of mortal men than those whose attributes are more +pleasing; and it is safe to assert that many a male monster has been +rooted to his seat in street-cars by the coldly intellectual eye of +some not altogether able-bodied feminine person. The recent victories +all along the line of women over men in examination-rooms, and their +more or less successful ventures in the fields of law, medicine, and +newspaper enterprise, would be more appalling to man and encouraging to +the progressionists, but for the obstinate though obvious adhesion of +the great mass of woman-kind to the trick bequeathed to them by their +great-great-grandmothers of trying to look as well as they can. And +the terrible part of it is they succeed so wonderfully that +philosophers like myself are apt to find our ratiocinations wofully +mixed when we try to reason about the matter. + +You remember, perhaps, that Josephine induced me earlier in our wedded +life to give a large party for her sister Julia? Within a year I have +submitted to a similar domestic upheaval on account of my elder +daughter, and I do not think that it can be said that I acquitted +myself in either case malignantly or even morosely. Indeed, though +this is not strictly relevant to the discussion, my wife informed me +after Josie's party was over that I had behaved like an angel. Now, my +sister-in-law, Julia, is still unmarried, and she cannot be far from +thirty. As I reflected at the time she came out, she is less comely +than my wife and not so sagacious, but she is decidedly an attractive +girl. She has had every advantage in the line of social +entertainments, and every opportunity to meet available young men. She +has waltzed all winter and been successively to Bar Harbor and Newport +in summer. She has been to Europe so as to let people forget her and +to reappear as a novelty, and she has altered the shape of her hair +twice to my individual observation. Yet somehow she hangs fire. I am +informed by Josephine, in strict confidence, that she has had offers +and might have been married to at least one eminently desirable man +before this had she seen fit to accept him; but I tell my darling that +though the consciousness of what might have been may be a legitimate +consolation to her and to her sister, it does not controvert the bald +fact that Julia is still unmarried at the end of ten years of social +divagations. + +I do not mean that Julia may not marry. Very likely she will. She +certainly ought to if she has the desire; and she has time enough yet +if the right man only thinks so. It is rather on the system I am +pondering than on the individual, though the vision of Josie at thirty +unwedded, and a little hard and worn, haunts my retina and makes me +feel philosophical. Away down in the bottom of my boots or my soul, or +wherever a man can most safely harbor a secret reflection, has long +lain a feeling of wonder that the world continues to put its daintiest, +most cherished, and most carefully tended daughters through the +peculiar social programme in vogue. Is it not bewilderingly true that +every young woman of position and manners in Christendom, be her father +a Knight of the Garter or a Congressman, her mother an azure-blooded +countess or the ambitious better half of a retired grocer, finds on the +threshold of life only one course open to her if she desires to be +conventional, and to do what is naturally expected of her? From twelve +to eighteen instruction--and in these latter days exemplary +instruction--Latin, Greek, if there is a craving for it, history, +psychology, chemistry, political economy, to say nothing of the modern +languages and special courses in summer in botany, conchology, and +physiology. And then, dating from a long anticipated day, or rather +night, a metamorphosis startling as the transition of the cocoon; a +formal letting loose of the finished maiden on the polished parquet +floor of the social arena. Tra-la-la-la-la! Tra-la-la-la-la! Off she +whirls to the rythm of a Strauss waltz or a blood-stirring polka, and +for the next four years, on an average, she never stops, metaphorically +speaking. She may not always be waltzing or polkaing, but if she is +conventionally sound she is sure to be in a whirl. She exchanges +daylight for gaslight; her daily sustenance is stewed mushrooms with a +rich gray gravy, beef-tea, and ice-cream, varied by an occasional +mouthful of fillet as a conscience composer. All winter she +participates in a feverish round of balls, receptions, luncheons, +dinners, teas, theatre parties, with every now and then a wedding. All +summer she sails, floats, glides, sits, perches, sprawls, walks, +meanders, talks, climbs, rides, saunters, or dances madly as her mood +or circumstances suggest. There is her life, varying a little +according to clime and disposition, according to whether she is +daughter of a duke or of a successful grocer. It is what everyone +expects of her, so no one is surprised; and she is expected also to +keep up the pace until she is married, which is likely to come to pass +any day, but which, as in the case of poor Julia, may not be until she +is thirty. Fancy living on mushrooms with a rich gray gravy and +successively waltzing, meandering, or floating with the Tom, Dick, and +Harry of the workaday social world from eighteen to thirty! And yet we +fathers and philosophers ask ourselves why in thunder (or even more +vehemently) our daughters have nervous prostration. Why should they? +And yet I hear Josephine ask, for the discussion is uppermost in our +thoughts at the moment: + +"Do you wish Winona to become a second Miss Jacket?" + +Let me explain that Miss Jacket, Miss Cora Jacket, M.D., lives opposite +to us, and has for some months been a serious menace to the happiness +of Josephine, in that my wife declares that the wretch is poisoning our +Winona's mind. The charge startled me seriously when it was broached, +but I have been trying to consider dispassionately whether the injury +likely to be worked will be greater than that consequent upon a +continuous fare of mushrooms with rich gray gravy and flirtation. +Winona and Miss Cora Jacket, M.D., are certainly thicker than thieves; +hence a pardonable lurking suspicion in Josephine's mind that the older +woman is seeking to induce the beauty of our family to study medicine. +Dr. Jacket must be thirty--just about the age of my sister-in-law. To +me she appears to be a trig, energetic little woman, rather pretty and +rather well dressed, and though she seems intelligent there is nothing +especially frigid or forbidding in her eye. Its intellectuality is not +forced upon one. I have found her so attractive that I ventured to +insinuate, by way of answer to my wife's expostulation, that Winona +might do much worse than model herself on Miss Cora Jacket, M.D. This +drew upon my head the vial of Josephine's righteous wrath. + +"Now, Fred, just stop and think for one moment," she said. "I have not +a word to say against Miss Jacket. I have no doubt she is a most +worthy young woman and an excellent physician, though I should never +care to consult her myself. But that is neither here nor there. Do +you happen to know what Miss Jacket's antecedents were, and what her +life has been?" + +I shook my head droopingly. + +"She was born in Ohio, and was left an orphan, and practically +unprovided for, at an early age. She was helped by kind friends--all +this is from her own lips--until she was old enough to help herself by +teaching, and then, by some means or other, she came East and studied +medicine, and made the start for herself that you see. All of which, I +beg to anticipate you in saying, is marvellously to her credit. She is +plainly a brilliant and capable young woman of whom any mother might be +proud, provided she had to be. But because it was creditable and +sensible in Miss Jacket to make the most of herself in that particular +way, you surely would not advocate that the daughters of the Princess +of Wales and the Empress of Germany should do the same." + +"I should certainly advocate their doing something useful," I said in +my dogged fashion. "Besides, Winona is the daughter neither of the +Princess of Wales nor the Empress of Germany." + +"No, she is not," said Josephine, in a tone which seemed to imply that +she was grateful for the escape. After all, who of us to-day would +give a rush to be a king or queen? What successful business or +professional man would exchange the exquisite comfort of the domestic +hearth and all the magazines for the prerogatives of royalty? I +understand perfectly what Josephine wished to express, and agreed with +her on the point. Her daughters, save for a little pomp and +circumstance, were practically the peers of any and all princesses. + +"Just consider, for a moment, Winona and Miss Jacket side by side," +Josephine continued. "Don't you see any difference between them?" + +"Well, of course, Winona is an unusually handsome girl," I murmured. +"Besides, she is younger." + +"Younger!" groaned Josephine, evidently believing me hopeless. "Do you +really, seriously think, Fred, that they are to be mentioned in the +same breath as ladies?" + +I rather think I looked foolish and twiddled my fingers. + +"If," said Josephine, with an emphasis on the conjunction, and +repeating it still more emphatically, "if it were necessary I would not +say a word. If Winona were one of seven girls, I should be sorry, but +I would not say a word. If it had been Josie, I should have been +rather pleased--which shows, Fred, that I am not altogether hostile to +the spirit of the age. But I am not prepared as yet to see my only +really handsome daughter--and such a handsome one, Fred--fly in the +face of convention and custom merely--merely to please Miss Jacket and +the people who never have a chance to go anywhere." + +All Josephine's combativeness and pride of opinion seemed to ooze +suddenly away, and she buried her face on my shoulder, murmuring-- + +"Oh, yes, the whole system of society for girls is ridiculous and +degenerating. I know it, I know it perfectly well. I don't approve of +it, I never have approved of it. I wonder that so many come out of it +as well as they do. And they are not content as in my day to be merely +giddy; they go in now for smoking cigarettes and drinking liqueurs +after dinner, and some of them paint their faces. Not all of them, of +course, not one-tenth of them; Josie will never do anything of the +kind. I ought, though, to be thankful, heartily thankful, if Winona +prefers to stay away from all this and to develop worthy tastes of her +own. She shall do what she pleases, Fred, only----" + +My darling stopped short as though she had concluded not to complete +her sentence. She gulped bravely and lifted her eyes to mine. + +"Kiss me, dear," she whispered. "I am not really so worldly as you +think." + +"You are an angel, and will never be anything else to me," I responded, +stroking her hair. + +She lay still for a moment, happy but pensive. "She shall do whatever +she pleases; only it is a very much easier matter for you to be +virtuous and to say, 'Let her study medicine,' than for me." + +"I have not said so, dearest." + +"You have thought so, though. You do not need to speak to have me know +when you are thinking things. No man can possibly conceive what it +means to a mother to have a daughter a radiant beauty and peculiar." + +"I dare say not," I murmured, humbly. + +"Especially," she continued, reflectively, "when you consider that, +though society is foolish, there is really nothing else at present to +take its place to give a girl what nothing else is likely to give +her--I do not say nothing else can give it to her, but nothing else is +in the least likely to; and when you consider the vast number of wives +and mothers who have been through it all when they were young, and are +charming and--yes, Fred, sensible, intelligent women to-day. I don't +pretend that I myself am half what I might have been, but I went +through it all as a girl without becoming absolutely vapid and +volatile. Didn't I, dear?" + +"You certainly did, Josephine. If Winona turns out your equal I shall +be more than satisfied." + +"Thank you, dear, but you mustn't say it. I do wish her to have more +mind. My mind was more or less neglected; but, on the other hand, +Fred, I never had the opportunity to be peculiar, for there was no +chance to be in those days. Now the disease is liable to break out in +any family. All we can do, Fred, is to remember that we are growing +old, and to trust that the world of to-day is wiser than we." + +"Amen!" I murmured. + +And yet the consciousness that Josephine passed through it all and is +what she is, makes me feel a little doubtful still on the score of the +new dispensation, in spite of the mushrooms with rich gray gravy. + + + + +VII + +My daughter Winona has become a Christian Scientist, and Josephine says +I have only myself to blame in that I encouraged her to model herself +upon Miss Jacket. This strikes me as a little harsh, seeing that Miss +Jacket, M.D., is a regular practitioner in the allopathic line, whereas +Winona declares that the science of medicine is all nonsense, for the +excellent reason that there is no such thing as disease. When I used +this argument as a defence, Josephine regarded me scornfully, and +remarked that the pair were practically one in ideas, and that it was +futile of me to split straws on such a point. Ye gods and little +fishes! Is it, forsooth, splitting straws to maintain that there can +be no sympathy of soul between a woman doctor who takes you at your +word and administers castor-oil to cure your stomach-ache and one who +elevates her nose and vows that you haven't one? + +"You can't make fish of one and flesh of another," continued my wife, +majestically. "The mischief was done when they walked arm-in-arm for +weeks together while they were becoming intimate. It makes little +difference, it seems to me, as to the precise nature of the +development. If Winona hadn't embraced (as she calls it) Christian +Science, she would in all probability have worn bloomers, in which case +I should not have held Dr. Cora Jacket guiltless merely because that +young woman continued to wear petticoats. Neither do I in the present +emergency. Who was it introduced Winona to Mrs. Titus, I should like +to know?" + +"Was Miss Jacket responsible for that?" I inquired, respectfully, not +venturing to contest further the soundness of my wife's logic in her +present excited frame of mind. + +"She was indeed, and it is very little consolation to me that she +professes to be sorry for it now." Josephine tapped her foot with a +worried air, which found voice presently in a laugh born of sheer +desperation. "Isn't it perfectly ludicrous, Fred? Do you realize what +the child wishes to do?" + +"I understood you to state that she wishes to enter upon a crusade to +show that all our aches and pains are hallucinations. There ought to +be a fortune in that, my dear, compared with which the profits from +David's electrical discovery will pale into insignificance." + +"This is no laughing matter, Fred. She is intensely in earnest; her +heart is set upon the plan, and there is no use in arguing with her. +She simply looks calm and tells you that you don't know." + +I scratched my head and pondered. My younger daughter's plan, as it +had been unfolded to me, was this: She proposed to set up as a +practitioner of Christian Science in partnership with another young +woman of the same faith. They were to cure disease apparently by dint +of assuring their patients that because there is no such thing as +matter, nothing could be the matter with any one. Their instructress, +Mrs. Titus, had demonstrated the truth of this theory by a varied line +of cures, and they had been encouraged by her to go on with the good +work. Had I any objection to the scheme? + +"Perhaps I had better talk the matter over with her and try to bring +her to her senses," I remarked. + +"I wish you joy of the experience," said my wife, with a wry smile. +"She is like a seraph in her serenity, and I might just as well have +been talking to a stone wall for all the effect my words seemed to +have. Of course you can prevent her; she understands that; but I +should like to see you alter her opinion." + +I concluded to try. Accordingly, I summoned Winona to the library that +evening, and we were closeted with folded doors, as the phrase is, for +an hour and a half. Being a father I was desirous naturally to be +judicious and yet sympathetic; being a philosopher, I was willing to be +enlightened if I was ignorant. My son David had demonstrated to me +that a young germ of tuberculosis has all the engaging attractiveness +of a six months' old baby; perhaps it had been reserved for my daughter +to prove to me that I had never had constitutional headaches. If so, +what an amount of unnecessary misery I had undergone from sheer lack of +knowledge! + +Conventional conceptions are slow to relax their grip even when one's +reason is prepared to discard them as out-worn. I am not giving +utterance in this sententious fashion to distrust in allopathy; I +simply am thinking of the qualms which persisted in harrowing my soul +as I gazed upon my very beautiful daughter, and tried to feel proud +that she was endeavoring to do something useful. My associations with +lovely women are so intimately associated with the ball-room floor and +the purlieus of polite society, that, in spite of my secret sympathy +with the progress of the sex, I could not completely school my mental +machinery so as to exclude a lurking regret that such arrant good looks +were to be wasted upon people who had nothing the matter with them, and +who would, perhaps, be slow in recognizing the fact. I was even weak +enough to remark: + +"Winona, my dear, you look this evening handsome enough to eat." + +As Christian Scientists are said to harbor the belief that, owing to +the non-existence of matter, looks of any kind are a delusion and +snare, for the reason that individuals do not really exist, but are +merely so many reflections of the one eternal and immutable existence, +just as the various reflections in a stream are often but the +continuous duplication of some single incandescent jet, it was scarcely +to be expected that my darling daughter would fall a victim to the lure +which I held out to her. She had the goodness to smile a ghost of a +smile, but it was evident that the speech interested her very little. +Before settling down to the business in hand I could not help, however, +saying to myself that, if I were a young man, I should fall down and +worship before this particular shrine, Christian Science and delusion +to the contrary notwithstanding. Then I said, with as much cheer as I +could muster: + +"And so you wish to practise medicine, Winona?" + +"Not medicine, father. It is Christian Science." + +"Excuse me. But are not Christian Scientists doctors?" + +"We do not give medicine." + +"But you cure sick people?" + +Winona shook her head and smiled sweetly. "There are no sick people," +she said, with quiet decision. + +"Then why are there so many physicians?" + +"If people had the requisite faith, there would be no more physicians." + +"Only Christian Scientists." + +My daughter looked at me no less sweetly because of my taunt, and +responded: + +"In time we shall all be able to heal ourselves. It is simply a +question of strength and degree. Some of us have more power than +others at present, but as the world grows the number of those +sufficient unto themselves will increase." + +"What makes you think so?" + +"I know it, father." + +"From Mrs. Titus?" + +"Mrs. Titus knows it too; but I know it not merely because she knows +it, but because I can feel that it is so." + +"But, my dear child, surely you do not mean to tell me that if I were +to have typhoid fever, I shouldn't have it?" + +"I know that you would think you had it." + +"Well, supposing I died, wouldn't I be dead?" + +Winona hesitated for an instant, but it was only in order to avoid +committing herself to one heresy while seeking to avoid another. "You +would be dead, though perhaps not as we now understand being dead. You +would not have died of typhoid fever, but of the belief that you were +suffering from typhoid fever induced by the hallucination of error." + +"I see," I answered, though to tell the truth I did not, and it was +very evident to me that Winona thought so too, for her serene smile +revealed just a tinge of amusement. Even a real philosopher would be +apt to feel nettled were he to suspect that he was making himself +ridiculous in the eyes of his most beautiful daughter. I said a little +sternly: + +"I wish you would explain to me, in the first place, what you mean by +saying that I might not be dead as we now understand being dead." + +Winona folded her hands. "I said that, father, because we Christian +Scientists are not yet certain as to what is the precise nature of +death. There are some who deem death also an hallucination, and the +apparent annihilation of matter consequent upon it merely a reflex +confirmation of the truth that there is no matter, only spirit; and it +may well be that as the world grows in faith, death will disappear in +that we shall cease to think we see matter. Mrs. Titus holds this +view, but I am not yet sufficiently free from error to be sure that I +believe it." + +"But you are sure you believe that I should not have typhoid fever?" + +"Perfectly." + +"But what if the doctors said I had?" + +"They would be mistaken, father." + +I stroked my chin in order to bridle my tongue. "How old are you, +Winona?" I asked. + +"Just eighteen, father." + +"You have never studied medicine, I believe?" + +"No." + +"Nor had any special advantages or opportunities to investigate the +nature of disease?" + +"Only through Mrs. Titus." + +"Precisely. And yet you are willing to call yourself wiser than the +men who have devoted their lives to its study--the physicians of +London, Paris, Berlin, and Vienna, to say nothing of those of New York +and Boston." + +A faint flush overspread Winona's face. "The doctors have been +mistaken many times before, father. You remember Harvey and the +circulation of the blood. The doctors laughed at him at first." + +"But Harvey was a trained student of medicine; you are a school-girl." + +"Mrs. Titus is not a school-girl." + +"Has she ever studied medicine?" + +"I think not. But as disease is simply human error, we consider the +study of medicine a waste of time. Our faith teaches us that +everything which doctors call illness is merely a clouding of truth in +the soul by error." + +"And how do you cure your patients who suffer from the error of typhoid +fever?" + +"By the restoration of truth and their faith in truth." + +"By what active means? What do you do?" + +"We think of them. We bring our minds to bear upon the error in their +minds." + +"Is that all?" + +"It is sufficient, father. Mrs. Titus has effected wonderful cures by +this means only." + +"Does she cure all her patients?" + +"When she does not cure them, it is because error has blinded them to +the perception of truth. If all could perceive truth, there would be +no more error; and, as it is, there are many who cannot perceive as yet +even faintly." + +"And this is all?" + +"Yes, provided you understand." + +"I understand the fundamental truth to be that matter does not exist." + +"It does not." + +"So that even our bodies are a sham." + +"We believe that our bodies exist, but they do not really." + +"Then why do you believe it?" + +"I do not believe it, but I am not yet conscious that my body does not +exist. I hope to be some day, yet very likely I shall never be. Mrs. +Titus is conscious of the truth at times." + +"Why do you say 'at times?'" + +"Because she is still somewhat sensitive to the error of heat and cold. +She considers this a weakness, and she is willing to admit that she is +not wholly free from error. You see, Mrs. Titus is a perfectly +reasonable woman, father. I am sure you would think so, if you could +hear her talk. I heard her questioned the other day on that very point +of susceptibility to cold. Some one asked--and asked in a scoffing +spirit, father: 'Supposing you were to go out-doors, Mrs. Titus, with +nothing on, when the thermometer was below zero, should you feel cold?' +Her answer was: 'I fear I should, though I ought not to. It is +possible that after a while I might be proof against the weakness, but +in all probability I should never be able to overcome it. It is simply +a question of time, though, when Christian Science is able to subdue +this error.' Was that not unassumingly and beautifully put, father?" + +"Quite unlike the brutal dogmatism of the regular practitioner, who +would be apt to recommend a strait-jacket for the individual who should +venture to brave the rigor of our New England climate without a stitch +of clothing." + +Although I spoke with a sober and sympathetic mien, my beautiful +daughter plainly distrusted the sincerity of my words. Her great brown +eyes regarded me mournfully, and it seemed to me there was pity in +them--pity for her poor benighted parent. She said, sweetly and softly: + +"You must not make sport of Christian Science, father. It has done a +great deal of good already. Besides, Mrs. Titus did not do anything of +the kind. There is nothing in the least sensational about her." + +"And you wish to follow in her footsteps, my dear? + +"I should like to try to." + +"And what if I should forbid you to do anything of the sort?" + +Winona's cheek flushed and her eyes dropped a little in the face of my +appearance of sternness, but she answered with the same ineffable +sweetness, as though she were seeking to impress upon me that +persecution could not ruffle the temper of one of her faith. "I should +have to give up the plan, of course. But," she murmured, "I should +still be a Christian Scientist. I could not help being one, you know." + +If you ask me why I did not remand her to afternoon teas and the +mantua-makers, or advise her to allay her skipping spirit with some +cold drops of philanthropy, I fear that I could not give a very +satisfactory explanation. I am not, and I never shall be, a Christian +Scientist, notwithstanding my beauty of a daughter declares that she +can cure the proletariat of coughs, colics, and fevers simply by +thinking about them. It was Josephine, not I, who remarked, after the +matter was settled, and Winona had begun to keep office hours, that on +the whole it was less dreadful than if she had become an actress or +joined a settlement of the Toynbee Hall variety, for the reason that +she still remained at home, and we had not wholly lost our hold upon +her. Evidently Josephine regards her behavior as a passing phase which +will sooner or later wear off and leave her more like other people, and +she considers the actual practice of Christian Science rather less +demoralizing, from a conventional point of view, than some other forms +of revolt. I can see what she means. However honorable her +intentions, a woman who has knocked about on the stage for half a dozen +years is likely to have her perspective of life enlarged to such an +extent that she can behold without winking many things which are +carefully hidden from the general run of the sex, and the consequence +is that she is apt to refuse to wear blinders for the rest of her +existence. So, too, it can be safely predicated that continuous +exalted fellowship with the dregs of the population on the part of +women weaned from the lap of luxury, and a consequent sacrifice of +almost every form of creature comfort, barring a tooth-brush, a small +piano, a few books, and an etching or two, will be likely to create a +sterner and sterner disrelish for the ice-cream and mushrooms vista of +life at the end of which stands a husband with a newly furnished house +and an ample income. My wife is ready to admit that purely from the +point of view of common sense she would have preferred to have the +child do almost anything peculiar rather than engage in her present +mummery, because some people will consider her crazy; but, on the other +hand, she maintains that the chances of losing her altogether are much +less serious than if she had become a Toynbee Haller, for instance. +"Mind you," said Josephine, "however much I might have fumed, I should +really have been very, very proud if she had gone in for that. I can +imagine, if you once got used to the idea, feeling quite as happy over +it as if one's son had become a clergyman, which of course," she added, +meditatively, "is a peculiar kind of happiness not just like any other. +But it would have meant separation forever, to all intents and +purposes, for I am too old to change my interests now, however much I +may disapprove of them in theory, and though I should very likely go in +for something of the same kind in case I were to begin life over again. +But I don't feel as though this Christian Science were more than a +temporary craze; and being just the ordinary every-day woman I am, I +cannot help welcoming the possibility that Winona in course of time +will come to her senses. It may be selfish of me, but I can't help it." + +Now, I do not regard the matter from quite such a personal point of +view as Josephine, though I agree with her that I should not have +picked out Christian Science as the most desirable loop-hole of escape +from the trammels of convention. To be sure, as Josephine says, it is +her loss rather than mine, for a father is much less completely +estranged from a daughter who is peculiar than is a mother, in that the +bond of clothes and parties and all the hitherto traditional tastes of +woman does not exist between a father and daughter. Hence it is +probably much easier for me to look at the matter philosophically than +it is for Josephine. Accordingly, though I laugh in my sleeve at the +solemn pretensions of my dear deluded daughter, and am more or less +uncomfortable in consequence of my consciousness that all the sensible +people of my acquaintance are laughing at her also, I am inclined to +watch her progress with a sympathy which includes the hope that she +will work out of her present state of lunacy into a more practical +field, rather than that she will relapse into the stereotyped woman +whom we all know. When, however, Josephine asked me the other day to +specify the field, I was obliged to admit that my ideas were a trifle +hazy. My state of mind doubtless proceeds from a rooted conviction +that the emancipation of woman has only just begun, and a certain +sympathetic curiosity with her each and every effort to advance. To +realize her progress, I have only to glance up at my ancestor with the +mended eye and consider what a doll and a toy she was to him. Then I +look at my wife, who was brought up on the old system, and say to +myself that, unless indeed, man is to be utterly snuffed out and +extinguished, there are certain feminine characteristics in the +preservation of which he is deeply interested, even when, like myself, +he is at heart an aider and abettor of emancipation. No more +gingerbread education, no more treatment as dolls and nincompoops, no +more discrimination between one sex and the other as to knowledge of +this world's wickedness, no more curtailment of personal liberty on the +score of that bugaboo, propriety--all these, if you like, ladies; but +we men, we fathers and philosophers, ask that you retain, for our +sakes, beauty of face and form, beauty of raiment, low, modulated +voices, and a graceful carriage, faith, hope, and charity, even though +you continue to reveal these last-named as at present with sweet, +illogical inconsequence. More than this, we cannot do without the +tender devotion, the unselfish forethought, the aspiring faith, which, +even though we seem to mock and to be blind, saves us from the world +and from ourselves. If you are to become merely men in petticoats, +what will become of us? We shall go down, down, down, like the leaden +plummet cast into the depths of the sea. We shall be snuffed out and +extinguished in sober truth. Hence, certain that the work of +emancipation is to continue, my philosophical glance follows fondly and +almost proudly the course of my second daughter, who is making a fool +of herself at the moment by practising Christian Science, because she +has beauty and grace and a knowledge of the value of colors, purity and +tenderness and aspiring faith, as her mother had before her, while at +the same time she has forsaken the beaten path of convention and turned +her brow to the morning. All of which, Josephine informs me, is +charming reasoning, provided Winona does not fall in love with +somebody. I do not understand the precise logic of this criticism; +but, on the other hand, Josephine is very apt to know what she is +talking about. + + + + +VIII + +I came home one afternoon with a puckered brow. + +"Has the Supreme Court decided another case against you?" asked +Josephine, with solicitude. + +I shook my head, and answered wearily: "Worse than that." + +My wife regarded me in anxious silence, while manifestly she was +cudgelling her brains to divine what could have happened. As she told +me afterward, she imagined, from my doleful air, that I must at least +have a seed in my little sac. + +"They have asked me to run for Congress in this district," I finally +vouchsafed to state. + +Josephine dropped her fancy-work and sat upright with an air of +satisfaction which was wholly out of keeping with my own dejected mien. + +"Really, Fred! Who has asked you? The Governor?" + +"The Governor does not usually go round on his bended knees asking +candidates to run for Congress," I answered, with mild sarcasm. + +"Well, the Mayor then?" + +I have labored for years to make plain to Josephine the ramifications +of our National, State, and Municipal Government; but just as I am +beginning to think that she understands the matter tolerably well, she +is sure to break out in some such hopeless fashion as this, which shows +that her conceptions are still crookeder than a ram's horn. And the +strangest part is that she can tell you all about the English +Parliament and Home Rule, and whether any given statesman is a Liberal +or a Liberal Unionist, and about M. Clemenceau and the relative +strength of the Bonapartists and Orleans factions. But when it comes +to distinguishing clearly between an Alderman and a State Senator, or a +Member of Congress and a Member of the Legislature, she is apt to get +exasperatingly muddled. I asked her once, in my most impressive +manner, why it was that she did not take a more vital interest in the +politics of her native country, and after reflecting a moment, she told +me that she thought it must be because they were so stupid. On the +other hand, with apparent inconsistency, she has many times expressed +the hope that I would some day be conspicuously connected with them. I +have been conscious for some time that it would suit her admirably to +have me round off my professional career as Speaker of the National +House of Representatives or Minister to the Court of St. James. + +"Josephine," I said, in a tone of despair, "have I not explained to you +time and time again that Members of Congress are the Representatives +from the several States who are sent to Washington? How could the +Governor, who is a State officer, or the Mayor, who is a municipal +officer, have anything to do with the nomination of a Member of the +National House of Representatives? Only think, dear, what you are +saying." + +Probably Josephine would have evinced more contrition in tribute to +this harangue had not her ears been fascinated by my reference to the +Capital of our country. + +"It _was_ stupid of me, Fred. Do you mean to tell me, dear, they are +going to send you to Washington? That would be perfectly delightful." + +"I merely have been asked to accept the nomination for Congress in the +Fourth District," I answered, dryly. + +"And what did you tell them?" + +"I said I would think it over." + +"You must accept. Of course you will accept? It would be splendid, +Fred. I would a great deal rather have you in Congress than go on our +trip to Japan. I have often thought I should like to pass a winter in +Washington." + +By dint of economy and some shrewd investments I had managed to save up +a vacation fund of more than normal size, by means of which Josephine +and I were proposing to enjoy a jaunt to Japan. We had been looking +forward to this excursion, which I felt that we had fairly earned by +strict devotion to home and business ties for a long period of years. + +"The district is hopelessly Republican, in the first place, my dear, +and I, as you know, am a Democrat." + +Josephine looked grave for a moment. "But a great many Republicans +would vote for you, Fred. Oh, I am sure they would!" she added, +eagerly, impressed by the plausibility of the idea. "Harry Bolles is a +Republican, and I am certain he would vote for you; so would Dr. +Meredith and Sam Bangs." + +"They are three out of several thousand voters in the district, +Josephine. You argue like the committee which waited upon me." + +"They said a great many Republicans would vote for you, didn't they? +And they thought you would be elected?" + +"They were kind enough to state that I had a good fighting chance; +which means, my dear, that I haven't the ghost of a show." + +Josephine regarded me a moment distrustfully. "It doesn't seem to me +there is any use in being too modest about such a matter as this, Fred. +Somebody has to be elected, and it might as well be you as anybody. I +have always hoped you would go into politics, you know. If they hadn't +wanted you they wouldn't have asked you." + +"The only certain thing about it is, that, if they had supposed I could +possibly be elected, they wouldn't have offered me the nomination." + +"What do you mean, Fred? I call that mock modesty, darling." + +I did not consider that I was called upon to unfold more particularly +to my wife the cynical estimate of the case which I entertained in my +secret soul, especially in view of the fact that the committee which +had waited upon me comprised not merely politicians, but some of our +best citizens. Although a man who is invited to run for Congress in a +district hopelessly hostile is likely to cherish secret suspicions as +to the sincerity of those who offer him the nomination, the bait of +self-sacrifice for the public good has lured many a cleverer man than I +to his destruction. Besides, a fighting chance invariably seems more +prodigious to the one who is said to have it, than to anyone else. +There were certainly weak joints in the armor (an analogy supplied me +by the committee) of my opponent, who was a dyed-in-the-wool +politician, and indisputably I had a great many friends. Could I +afford to disregard the piteous, eloquent argument of the spokesman, +Honorable David Flint, that the sacred cause of Reform demanded me as +its champion, and that victory was possible only under my banner? I +had promised to think it over, which was a coy way of stating that I +would accept. Having made up my mind to run, I was obliged to tell +Josephine that this would mean good-by for many a long and weary month +to our jaunt. + +"If you're elected, Fred, I shall be only too glad to postpone it. And +if by any chance you don't get in, we'll forget all about it in dear +Japan." + +"You do not quite understand the situation, pet. We stay at home in +any case, election or no election. The expenses will eat up my savings +for a rainy day in Japan. I shall have to contribute handsomely to +everybody and everything. It's an outrage, but one of the painful +results of having greatness thrust upon one." + +Thereupon Josephine flung her arms around my neck and informed me that +I was not only a dear, noble hero, but that Japan or no Japan, she +would not begrudge one copper of any sum I might be obliged to spend in +order to defeat that odious wretch, Mr. Daniel Spinney. A few days +later, after my letter of acceptance was published, she said that she +did not see how anyone who had the least respect for the sacred right +of suffrage could hesitate between us. + +"Spinney is not such a bad fellow at bottom," I replied, albeit touched +by the warm partisanship of my wife. + +"Didn't I read in the newspaper this morning that he is a notorious +spoilsman?" + +"Very likely, dear. Spinney has always called Civil Service Reform a +humbug." + +"And he is all wrong on the tariff." + +"We think so." + +"Well, then, how can you say that he isn't a bad fellow at bottom?" + +"I mean, Josephine, that apart from politics he is a very decent sort +of person. I couldn't help thinking while I was chatting with him +yesterday that there was something quite attractive about him. He +isn't exactly the kind of man I should hold up as a model to my sons, +but, as I said before, he is by no means a bad fellow." + +Josephine had been looking at me aghast ever since the opening sentence +of this speech. "You don't mean to tell me, Fred, that you stopped and +chatted with that wretch?" + +"Indeed I do. We happened to meet, and so we hobnobbed for five +minutes on the street corner and drew each other out in the friendliest +sort of fashion as to our mutual prospects. He says he has a +walk-over, and I told him that he isn't in it." + +"I'm glad you showed a little spirit, anyhow." + +"What would you have had me do? Make a fell assault upon his hair and +eyeballs? As it was, I perpetrated a deliberate falsehood in the good +cause. He knows that I know I am beaten from the start." + +"Nonsense," said Josephine. "You provoke me, Fred, when you talk in +that fashion. What was the use of accepting if you didn't intend to +win if you could?" + +"So I do intend, but I can't." + +"You can't certainly if you hobnob with the rival candidate and call +him a good fellow." + +"You ought to have been a politician, Josephine." + +"No, I'm only crazy to have you win, Fred, and I'm convinced you can +win if you only think so yourself and pitch in as if you thought so. I +dare say Mr. Spinney may be well enough apart from politics, but it is +politics we are interested in at present, and it seems to me it is your +duty to hate him--until the election is over, anyway. If you defeat +him, you may ask him to dinner, if you like." + +Her eyes sparkled like diamonds, and there was a dangerous look in them +which would have boded ill for Mr. Spinney or any other Republican had +he happened to thrust his head inside our doors just then. As for me, +I felt a little sheepish at my lack of courage, I must confess, and I +cried with genuine ardor: + +"Hurrah for Reform! You're right, my dear," I added, "I must pitch in. +I haven't been quite so pusillanimous, however, as it would seem, for I +have got Nick Long to superintend my campaign." + +You may remember that Nicholas Long, or Nick Long, as we always speak +of him, has never stood high in Josephine's good graces on account of +his unorthodox habits regarding church-going. He has an unpleasant way +of encountering us on our way to the sanctuary in the toggery of a man +who is going to take a day off in the country. He has, however, a +cool, analytical mind, and his name has been associated for some years +with reform politics. In obtaining his services as a manager I felt +that I had done well and wisely. Josephine looked a little sober, as +though she was not altogether gratified at my selection, but realizing, +very likely on second thought, that the children's habits were formed, +she contented herself by remarking: + +"I shall keep my eye upon him and make sure that he doesn't get you +into any mischief." + +"You seem to forget," I said, "that he is a leading reformer." + +Josephine smiled incredulously. "Fred," she continued presently, with +a pensive air, "I wish it were the custom here, as it is in England, +for a candidate's wife to go about and buttonhole people and beg votes +and kiss babies for him, and all that sort of thing. I'm not so young +as I was, I know, but I dare say I should appear quite as well as Mrs. +Daniel Spinney, whoever she may be. I really think I could make a +fairly respectable speech just on the strength of my conjugal devotion +and righteous indignation against that villain of a man. 'Ahem: Fellow +Democrats, I beseech you in the name of common sense and decency, in +the name of the Goddess of Liberty, and of good government and order, +and as you love your cradles and your firesides, not to vote for that +dyed-in-the-wool Republican and spoilsman, Daniel Spinney, but to vote +early and often for that talented, noble, self-sacrificing, upright +citizen and Democrat, Frederick ----'" + +"_E pluribus unum_! Let her go, Gallagher! Erin go bragh! rah! rah! +rah! Harvard!" I cried, as I seized the lovely orator in my arms and +hugged her to my breast, thereby, to adopt her own words, squeezing out +of her the little breath which she had left. "Bravo, Josephine! If +you were to take the stump it would be I and not Mr. Spinney who would +have a walk-over." + +"At any rate, Fred," she continued, after she had regained her breath +and recomposed her ruffled hair, "I can put in a word to help you here +and there among our friends. It was on the tip of my tongue yesterday +to call Rev. Bradley Mason's attention to the fact that you were a +candidate, in the hope that he might make just a slight allusion to it +from the pulpit. Not directly by name, of course; he couldn't do that +very well; but he might speak of the importance of aiding those who +were battling for the noble cause of pure government, so that people +could guess what he meant. I didn't do it," she added, a little +ruefully, "because I was afraid you might possibly not like it, and +there was plenty of time in which to give him the hint." + +"Thank goodness you didn't say a word on the subject," I answered. "It +wouldn't have done at all." + +For the next six weeks our house was a veritable bureau of political +activity. Although Josephine lived up to her threat of keeping an eye +on Nicholas Long, she admitted before many days had passed that he was +what my boys call a thorough-going hustler, and that he was determined +to leave no portion of my Congressional acreage unsown with Democratic +seed. This farming metaphor was borrowed from Nick, who had many +others at his command suited to the various classes of constituents he +wished to reach. His brain fairly buzzed with fertile expedients +devised to catch this and that portion of the popular vote. He was a +great believer in documents. As he expressed it, the territory must be +plastered with statistics and other printed matter, which were much +more serviceable nowadays than in the past. He said that formerly the +average voter flung everything into the waste-basket and went to the +polls simply on the strength of party prejudice fortified by the +glamour of a torchlight procession, but that now he read and thought, +and refused to support the party candidate merely because he was the +party candidate. He deluged the community with copies of my letter of +acceptance, and three days later overwhelmed the postal service with a +batch of circulars embodying a short, pithy description of my personal +virtues and talents, interwoven with sound doctrine. Although he +confided to me that torchlight organizations were moribund factors in +political warfare, he advised me to supply uniforms and torches, and a +promise of abundant cigars, ice-cream, and ginger-beer for the +cementation of a band of youthful warriors eager to call themselves the +"Fourth District Reform Cadets." "There is not more than one voter in +twenty among them," said Nick, "but it will please their fathers, and +do no harm in any event, especially as your wife and I have devised a +costume for them that will drive the Spinney Guards under cover with +jealousy." + +The costume in question was a pattern of garish ingenuity: white +bearskin caps with red, white, and blue pompons; bright blue blouses +dashed with white, and white leather belts, and red zouave +knickerbockers. Their torches were encased in fantastic glass lanterns +alternately red, white, and blue. On the occasion of their first +parade, when they drew up before the house to receive their +transparency, adorned on one side with a villainous portrait of myself +superscribed by the motto, "Our Fathers Fought For Freedom, We Are +Fighting For The Right," and on the other a cut depicting the rival +candidate up to his armpits in the bog of Civil Service Reform, +described as "Spinney's Walk-Over" (a happy blending, as Nick called +it, of serious principle and humorous suggestion), I appeared on the +door-steps and delivered a few halting sentences of gratitude and +augury for success, which were received with loud plaudits and the +rattle of the drum corps. Thereupon I invited the battalion to enter +and partake of a little simple hospitality, which they hastened to do +to the number of two hundred, including a dozen ward heelers in +citizens' raiment, and three or four nondescripts whom nobody knew, but +whom Nick said it would be impolitic to offend by exclusion. A hearty +supper was ready for them in the dining-room, presided over by +Josephine and her daughters, whose presence seemed at first to abash my +warriors of the torch. But only for a few moments. Realizing +presently that these Goddesses had apparently but one aim in life, to +wit, to help them to salad, oysters, and ice-cream, diffidence +disappeared like fog before the morning sun, and with it the viands +down the throats of my red, white, and blue supporters. In the liquid +line Josephine gave a choice of hot coffee and chocolate, thereby +joining issue for the first time with my manager on the subject of +methods. Nick was in favor of champagne, on the score that the Spinney +Guards had been regaled with beer and sherry, but my darling declared +that even if it were the turning-point of the election, she would not +consent to win votes by playing Hebe to beardless youths. A political +aspirant who is forced to decide between his manager and his wife has +need of all the philosophy at his command. + +To atone for this obduracy, Josephine had a pleasant little surprise +ready in the shape of a basket of silken badges emblematic chiefly of +myself, and more remotely of the Presidential candidate and our party +principles. She and her daughters, despite my blushes, fastened these +one by one to the blue blouses of the members of the Fourth District +Reform Cadets after everything to eat and drink in the house had +vanished. Not only then, but henceforth until the end of the campaign, +it was embarrassing to me to note how subordinate a position every +other candidate held in Josephine's regard. One would have supposed +that I was the party nominee for the chief magistracy of the nation, +instead of the leader of a forlorn contest for a congressional seat in +a hopelessly Republican district. On the occasion of the torchlight +parade two miles long, whereby the enemy sought to carry the city by +storm, and which passed close to our front door, our house was as dark +as Erebus. Josephine insisted even that the lights in the front hall +and in the basement should be extinguished, and she drew the +drawing-room curtains over the window-shades so that we need not seem +to furnish our foes with one pale ray of comfort. Induced by curiosity +to peep out at the passing show, she limited her strictures to scornful +but tranquil denunciation of the campaign rhetoric blazoned on the +transparencies, until the Spinney Guards arrived, headed by a +magnificent mulatto bearing a delineation of the Reform Candidate +submerged in a huge soup-tureen with an appropriate tag beneath. For +an instant she stared, then she gasped as though some one had struck +her, and she fiercely started to raise the window. + +"What are you trying to do, Josephine?" + +"Let me go, Fred. I will, I will. How dare they?" + +"Pooh, dear! All is fair in politics. It's no worse than the Swamp of +Civil Service Reform," I said, as I tore away her vindictive grasp from +the window which she had succeeded in opening a foot or two, and shut +it hastily. + +"How dare they? You had no right to prevent me from hissing, Fred. I +should like to fling something at them too. It's an outrage making you +look like that, and--and in the soup, too." + +Not all the enthusiasm generated by our rival procession, which took +place forty-eight hours later, nor indeed the long flattering list of +my supporters published by Nick Long in the newspaper for two days +prior to election day, sufficed entirely to obliterate from Josephine's +soul the bitterness of this insult. As she expressed it, was it not +cruel to flaunt such a thing in the faces of children who had been used +to think of their father as the most dignified of men, one with whose +personality no one would dare to tamper or trifle? It nerved her, +however, to more desperate efforts in my behalf. She ventured even on +holding up our beloved pastor, the Rev. Bradley Mason, in the street, +and capturing his signature to the list of leading citizens who +supported me. This ought, she declared, to outweigh sixty soup-tureens. + +Before the votes were counted I knew well enough that I had been +defeated, but for Josephine's dear sake I allowed her to prepare a +victor's banquet, on the assumption that my friends would be pouring in +upon me with congratulations. It was she who drove me from my evening +paper, to which I was settling down like a philosopher after dinner, to +go to my headquarters and ascertain the result. She was sure I was +elected. If not (and here her voice melted) the people were not fit to +have such a pearl offered to them. I went, and it was half-past ten +when I returned. She heard my step, and rushed down to meet me at the +front door. I was calm and smiling. + +"Defeated by one hundred and fourteen votes, dear. A close fight, +wasn't it?" + +"Ah, Fred, defeated! You poor, poor boy." + +"I can stand it if you can, Josephine," I answered, as with my arm +wound around her waist I led her into the dining-room, where the +stalled ox and truffled turkey and a glittering array of glass +confronted us. + +"It was that horrid soup-tureen did it, I am convinced," she murmured, +sitting down beside me on the sofa. + +"Nonsense, dear. Everyone says I got a wonderful vote against such +odds. They are talking about it down town as though I had won a +victory. Nick is called a great manager." + +"But that Spinney is elected all the same," she said, dejectedly. + +"Yes, he is, Josephine. We can't escape from that. I tell you what, +I'm going to have a glass of champagne," I said, entering the china +closet and taking possession of one of the bottles which had been +packed in ice for the refreshment of my friends. I filled a glass for +each of us and drained mine to the philosophical toast, "Here's to +peace and a quiet life, my dear." + +"It would have been very nice to go to Washington," said Josephine, +between her sips. "It might have been a stepping-stone to higher +things. You know you would be pleased to be sent abroad as a foreign +minister. It would have just suited you, Fred." + +"It may be that the President, when he hears of the gallant fight I +made, will reward me with something in that line," I answered, with a +twinkle in my eye. "By the way, what egotists we are! I did not tell +you, and you did not inquire, who had been elected President. We have +won a glorious victory." + +"I'm very glad, I'm sure," said Josephine, in a tone which was +scandalously absent-minded considering the importance of the +information. After a moment she remarked, coyly: "I should really +think, Fred, there might be a chance of his giving you something when +he hears." + +"Not the slightest, you dear woman. I was only teasing you. I am a +very humble figure in the politics of the country, I assure you, and +even if the President is aware of my existence when he enters office, +it will never occur to him to pick me out for preferment. Besides, I +don't wish anything. I am perfectly content to sink back into the +obscurity from which I was lured by the call of duty. It would have +tickled my pride a little to defeat Spinney, but I am inclined to think +I should have found it rather a bore to be only one Congressman among +so many." + +"Just think of it, one hundred and fifteen more votes would have given +you the election. It seems hard to have missed it by so little. You +mustn't think me a goose about you, Fred," she added, after a +thoughtful pause. "I don't usually praise you to your face and make an +undue fuss about you, do I, dear? I think I am disposed to be critical +of you rather than otherwise. But you are so much superior to the men +they generally put up, that I'm unable to reconcile myself to the idea +that you're not to be anything distinguished after all. Of course I +didn't really expect that you were going to be very great; and yet in +politics one cannot always tell. Men no more remarkable than you have +been elected President; though I'm not at all sure that I should have +cared to have you in the White House." + +"Yet you will not cease to love me now that I am doomed to be only a +poor private citizen for the rest of my days?" I asked, fondly, as my +arm stole around her waist, which, though no longer wisp-like as of +yore, is shapely still. "Poor, too, in every sense," I added, +unpleasantly reminded by the pressure of the check-book in my +coat-pocket of my sadly diminished bank account. + +"I am afraid I should continue to love you, Fred, even if you were +bad--a Daniel Spinney or a Nicholas Long, for example," she answered, +imprinting a kiss upon my cheek. "But you are an angel, dear." + +It was worth being defeated for Congress in order to learn how much my +wife appreciated me, and also to learn to appreciate her more +thoroughly, philosophical deductions which I whispered in her ear with +appropriate circumlocution. "But, Josephine," I added, "why do you +include Spinney and Nick Long in the same category of wickedness?" + +"Because they are both wicked." + +"But Nick is a reformer, my dear." + +"Hasn't he nearly ruined you?" + +"I had to hand over a great deal of money to him, certainly," I +answered, ruefully. + +"What did he spend it for?" + +"I didn't ask him for the details, but he always said he needed it for +printing, dear. You know there was a great deal of printing done," I +hastened to add, feeling a little nervous under the stress of +cross-examination. "Then there were the uniforms and the torches and +the supper for the cadets." + +"I know what they cost exactly. Fred, what do you suppose he could +have used all that money for?" + +"Printing, I have told you, Josephine. There are all sorts of expenses +in a campaign of this sort, the details of which one has to leave to +one's manager. I have implicit confidence in Nick's good judgment," I +continued, a trifle austerely. To tell the truth, I had been wondering +myself where all the money had gone to. Josephine was thoughtful for +several minutes, then she said: "Do you know, Fred, I have a feeling +that if you had managed your own campaign without the aid of a reformer +you would have got just as many votes--and--and we should have had +money enough left to go to Japan." + +If a woman has a prejudice against a man he might be spotless as the +Archangel Gabriel, and she would be able to pick a flaw in him. + + + + +IX + +Six months ago an astonishing piece of news was revealed to me. +Astonishing at least to me, though Josephine says that I need not have +been astonished had I kept my eyes open, inasmuch as the affair was +going on under my very nose, and everybody in town except myself knew +how it was likely to end. I refer to my daughter Josie's engagement. + +Yesterday I gave her away--a euphemistic way of stating that she was +torn from my arms--to a young man of whom I know next to nothing, +though I hear on all sides that he is a very nice fellow, which might +mean that he is utterly without principle and an easy-going, idle, +selfish hound. In appearance he does not seem to me to differ from +nine-tenths of the young men who in the course of the last five years +have said, "How d'y do?" or "Good-by" to me (rarely more or less) when +they have run across me in my own drawing-room. My wife declares that +he has a spiritual face, and that he reminds her of me at the same age, +which I regard as an ingenious attempt to prepossess me in his favor. +She has informed me also that Josie is over head and ears in love with +him and he with Josie, a predicament on his part which I am not +surprised at; and I suppose that I am bound to admit that my daughter +is justified in her infatuation for him, if he resembles me at thirty. + +Plainly, I have become an old cynic by reason of the loss of my dear +Josie. I realize that I have been like a bear with a sore head ever +since the ceremony. As for Josephine, she has been mooning about the +house all day in a state of chronic tearfulness. The responsibility of +the bride's appearance and the wedding collation kept her nerved until +everything was over. Last evening she collapsed and fell asleep in my +arms, sobbing like a child. + +His name is James Perkins. I have been doing my best for several +months to call him "Jim," as everybody else does, instead of "James," +or "Perkins," and yesterday I succeeded twice in doing so. I had had +three glasses of champagne. He is an architect, and I understand from +Josie that he has already made his mark in the erection of a church, +two school-houses, and a town-hall in the suburbs, which I have +promised her to go and see. It seems that a week before he had the +impertinence to offer himself to her he received word that his plans +for a vast railroad station in one of the large Western cities had been +accepted. But for this untoward circumstance, my dear Josie would +still be the light of my house, and I should not be gnawing at my +mustache in the throes of misanthropy. + +Jim is slight and not very tall, and he does not look especially +strong. They tell me that he has worked very hard, and that he has won +his way purely by his own energy and talent. He does not smoke, which +rather prejudiced me against him, in spite of the fact that I believe +we should all be the healthier if we did not use tobacco. This, as +Josephine would say, only shows what an inconsistent creature I am. +And I a philosopher, too! But I said at the outset that I was not a +real philosopher. Josie met James--I beg his pardon, Jim--at her +coming-out party, and it seems that he fell in love with her at first +sight. If, now, somebody had fallen in love at first sight with my +sister-in-law, Julia, how much more satisfactory it would have been all +round. But that is the way of the world; Julia was overlooked and my +girl taken, to my miserable discomfiture. Jim was one of the youths +without fathers and mothers whom you see at every large entertainment. +That is to say, my wife had never heard of his father and mother at the +time she invited him, though they prove to have been very respectable +people. Indeed, we were all of us struck by the dignified appearance +which his family as a whole presented at the wedding. Alas! I realize +already that when I have got used to the idea that anybody is to have +her, I shall be thoroughly happy in the thought that I have given her +away to such a decent fellow, a man with self-respect and principles, a +man of industry and capacity, and one, too, who is ready to drink his +glass of champagne like the rest of the world--although he does not +smoke. I have let my grudge have free scope, and all I have been able +to rake up against him is that he shakes his head when I offer him a +pipe or a cigar. In my secret soul I am egregiously proud of him +already, and but for my wounded sensibilities I could dance with joy +over the reflection that he is likely to make her perfectly happy. And +yet all this talk of marrying and giving in marriage has broken my +spirit. + +"Since it had to be someone," I said by way of consolation to Josephine +when we awoke this morning, "it's extremely fortunate that she did not +fall in love with a dashing soldier, who would carry her off to a +barracks on the frontier of a Sioux reservation, or a swashing sailor, +who would leave her at home while he went on long cruises, or a +splendid-looking creature, with a sonorous voice, who would drink +himself into his grave or else make her miserable by devoting himself +to another woman. Some of the nicest fellows I ever knew have made +their wives thoroughly wretched. When you think that there really +isn't anything very wonderful to look at about--er--Jim, that is, +anything to appeal especially to the romantic side of a girl, I think +it's very greatly to Josie's credit that she should have chosen him. +Many girls might have overlooked his solid attractions and gone in for +a Jim dandy of a chap who wasn't worth his salt." + +My wife looked a little blank over this philosophic statement, then she +glanced up at me with a roguish smile and said: "You seem to forget, +dear, that I accepted you." + +"True enough," I answered, merrily. "I dare say I wasn't a trifle less +commonplace-looking than son-in-law. Besides we both have spiritual +faces." + +"You should give me and Josie credit for being able to see below the +surface," said my darling, fondly. "A soldier or a sailor, or a +splendid-looking creature such as you describe, is delightful at a +party; but gold buttons, or even a very handsome mustache, don't go far +nowadays toward blinding a sensible girl to the fact that she will have +to pass all her days with the man she chooses. You know, dear, that +you and I have never believed that marriage is a lottery. We were sure +of each other beforehand. So are Josie and Jim." + +"Thank God that it is so; and may he, darling, grant them such +happiness as he has given us." + +"Amen! And, Fred, he--James" (Josephine prefers to call him James; she +thinks Jim undignified) "is not really homely. He isn't an Adonis, of +course, and doesn't impress one especially at first glance, but anyone +who looks at him twice can see that he is very intelligent, and that he +has the appearance of a gentleman." + +"Right you are, my dear. Perhaps I was unconsciously comparing him +with the young man whom I met strolling with your other daughter not +many days ago." + +"With Winona? When?" she asked with a start. + +"About dusk." + +"No, no, on what day?" + +"Let me see. It must have been a week ago yesterday." + +"Who was he? Why didn't you tell me before?" + +"He was tall, handsome, and impressive-looking," I replied, with quiet +deliberation. + +"What _do_ you mean, Fred? How slow you are. Do go on." + +"As to telling you before, I thought it best to wait until you had one +of your girls off your mind. As to being slow, I have told you all +there is to tell already. I met Winona about dusk a week ago yesterday +in the company of a tall, handsome, impressive-looking young man whom I +had never seen in my life. I don't know where they were going or where +they came from or what it meant. I hope to see him again so as to say +to him, 'Young man, beware; I have lost one daughter, and I am in no +mood to be trifled with.' I dare say," I continued, nonchalantly, +"that if you were to keep your eyes open you would be able to see what +is evidently going on under your very nose, my dear." + +Josephine did not heed this taunt; she was thinking hard. + +"I wonder who it could have been," she murmured, presently. "I have +noticed lately that Winona has acted as though she had something on her +mind; but I had assumed it might be because her patients were falling +off, owing to the death of that woman with consumption who could not be +persuaded that she had nothing the matter with her. It would be a +great relief to my mind to see the dear girl happily married. What did +he look like, Fred? Are you certain you have never seen him before? +just think: you're sure it wasn't Mr. Dyer or Mr. Benson? One might +call either of them tall, handsome, and impressive-looking." + +"I have told you everything I know, Josephine," I retorted, fiercely. +"I don't know the man from Adam. I should think," I added, with a +sepulchral outburst, "that after what happened yesterday, Josephine, +you wouldn't be in so much haste to many the only girl we have left." + +"Excuse me, Fred," she said, gently. "It was cruel of me to suggest +such a thing so soon. And yet I suppose we must be prepared for +something of the kind sooner or later. You know you have constantly +expressed the hope that neither of them would hang fire like dear +Julia." + +"Oh, I know it. I'm a selfish brute, Josephine," I answered, beginning +to hone my razor with the desperate air of one who would fain cut his +own throat as the simplest solution of the problem of living. + +And only six months ago the horizon of my domestic happiness looked so +clear and comforting. Not even a cloud of the traditional smallness of +a man's hand marred its serenity. Little Fred was pegging away at +Leggatt & Paine's with commendable steadiness all day, and, though he +was apt to dance all night by way of making up for it, I was comforted +in my solicitude regarding his health by the recollection that I used +to do the same when I was his age, my spiritual countenance to the +contrary notwithstanding. Besides, Leggatt has always a good word to +say for him, and evidently still keeps an eye on him, notwithstanding +that Fred has ceased to kick foot-ball and limps no longer. To be +sure, I have been beguiled once or twice by the dear boy's assurance +that I would make my fortune, if I would follow his advice, into buying +investment securities the market price of which at present is far less +than I paid for them. However, the financial misinformation imparted +by one's own flesh and blood is more easily forgiven than that which +emanates from one's regular broker. Besides, there is the chance that +the stocks will come up again some day or other. Fred says they are +sure to. Everything considered he was, and indeed he still is, doing +remarkably well, and he is such an honest-looking, manly fellow that +Josephine says she wonders all the girls do not fall in love with him. +His present safety seems to lie in the fact that he is in love with all +the girls and not with any particular one, a condition of affairs which +I trust will last until he is properly able to support a wife. I +remember that before I fell in love with Josephine--well, no matter. I +have almost forgotten their names and should have to ask my darling to +tell me who they were, and all about it. I have never really loved +anybody but her. God bless her. + +Then there was David--again I must admit there still _is_ David--whose +rapid success in his adopted profession and whose general steadiness of +character have been a source of perpetual gladness to us. He still +causes his mother some concern by his utter disinclination for the +society of young women, but I know of no other fault with which to +reproach him. His bacillic pets no longer have a domicile under the +paternal roof. He has a laboratory of his own downtown where, +doubtless, they thrive and multiply. But his special interest at +present is electricity. This has already brought him reputation and +money by virtue of an appliance in the storage battery line, the +details of which I do not precisely understand. Although Little Fred +shook his head gravely at the mention of the word "patent," I was +imprudent enough to follow my scientific son's lead to the tune of +several thousand dollars, the happy consequence of which seemed to be +that Josephine and I would be able to have our jaunt to Japan whenever +the spirit moved us. That was before I counted the cost of marrying a +daughter. + +Thirdly, there was that daughter, a dear, sweet girl, who seemed to me +perfectly content in her enjoyment of the social pleasures in which she +was so well adapted to shine. I regarded her as still a mere child, +and though youths came and went, never for one moment did I suspect +that she was meditating the blow which she has since inflicted upon me, +until Josephine told me one evening, with a mysterious, agitated air, +that Mr. James Perkins wished to see me in the library. He saw me, and +all the consolation I derived from our interview was the impression +that he considered that he was acting generously in asking my consent +to the match, and that custom would have justified him in letting me +hear the news of my daughter's engagement elsewhere and in seeing me +further, as the phrase is, before he saw me at all. Remembering as I +did that I regarded the views of Josephine's father concerning our +little matter twenty-five years ago as a matter of mere detail, only +think how far I fell short of the temper of a real philosopher in +allowing myself to become violently angry, and to pace the library +until one o'clock in the morning after my would-be son-in-law had left +it! An especially futile proceeding, as Josephine subsequently +remarked, inasmuch as, by my own admission, I had behaved like a +veritable lamb in his presence and had told him blandly that if he and +my daughter were agreed upon the subject I had not a word to say +against it. + +This was the first break in our peaceful, happy domestic circle. Do +you know what the period of an idolized daughter's engagement seems to +the disdained and discarded husband and father? He is too shy and +dignified to peep at the billing and cooing through the crack of the +drawing-room door like the younger members of the family; consequently, +the six months which intervene between the making of the match and its +consummation, impress him as a Sahara of tedious confabulation between +the pair of turtle doves as to whether they have too many salt-cellars +for their marital needs, and whether the exchange of a third set of +oyster-forks without the knowledge of the donor would be a violation of +the highest code of ethics. Presents, presents, nothing but presents, +of every kind and degree, from the solid silver tea-set of exquisitely +fluted pattern to the excruciatingly ugly bit of _bric-a-brac_ which +has captivated the undiscerning eye of some dear friend. After every +ring at the door-bell appears the maid with a fresh parcel wrapped in +snow-white paper fastened with a dainty ribbon, and on each occasion my +dear Josie's eyes sparkle more excitedly as she clutches it and frees +it from its caparisons. And ever and anon I am struck by the fact that +she is growing thin and pale. I mention it to Josephine, but she tells +me that girls always get peaked before their weddings, and that she +herself was thin as a rail at the time she married me. I get no +sympathy anywhere. My sole connection with the matter is that I am to +give the bride away. + +I did so yesterday in the presence of our entire social acquaintance +and their dressmakers, most of whom I subsequently entertained at a +mid-day collation, where I shook hands with a vast array of young +people whom I did not know, and tried to keep up my spirits by asking +my old friends to take wine with me. It was after the third glass that +the spirit moved me to address my new son-in-law as "Jim." An hour +later I saw the young rascal carry off my Josie in a carriage with an +air as though he owned her, and I could have strangled him. At the +same moment I was unpleasantly conscious that a quantity of rice hurled +by an enthusiastic miss of nineteen was going down my back. I made a +mad rush forward like a bull; I don't know exactly what I had in mind +to do, but I was bunted aside by a youth who, I am sure, could never +have had a father and mother. He held an old shoe in his hand, which +he proceeded to cast with such unerring aim that it landed on the top +of the bridal coach, to the infinite delight of everybody except +myself. I could see no especial humor in it, but Josephine tells me +that we underwent precisely the same experience at our own wedding and +thought it amusing. I perceive that it makes considerable difference +in this world whose ox is gored, or, to put it more accurately, whether +one is carrying off some other man's daughter or is being robbed of his +own. + +And now to crown all, I am haunted by the vision of Winona and that +tall, handsome, impressive-looking young man in whose company I met her +the other day about dusk. In saying to Josephine that I had told her +all, I did not speak the truth in a certain sense. I did tell her all +I knew, but I did not confide to her all that I suspected. I did not +reveal to her that at the moment my eye fell upon them my only +remaining daughter was gazing up into the face of her male companion +with that peculiar look of absorbed attention which has so often +wrought the ruin of Platonic friendship. It entered like iron into my +parental soul, already quivering with its recent wound, and I murmured +to myself, "Oh, my prophetic soul, my second son-in-law!" + +Winona too! Two years have passed since I granted her permission to +practise Christian Science, and from that time to this she has gone +regularly every day to her office to minister to the patients who have +applied to her for treatment. I am unable to state whether these have +been many or few; to be frank, I have been amazed that she has had any +at all. But I am sure that she has had some, and that she claims to +have cured several sufferers from chronic disorders whom the regular +practitioners had declared incurable. Or, more accurately, I should +say that she has demonstrated that there was nothing the matter with +them save a superabundance of error in their souls. I have learned, +too, that she has experienced some dismal failures, notably in the case +of the woman with consumption, referred to by Josephine, who, as Winona +explained to us, would have got well had she only been able to realize +that she was getting better. There was also a patient suffering from +mental derangement who grew crazier and crazier, until she was finally +carried off by her friends, whereas, as Winona sweetly explained to us, +if they had only allowed her to remain a little longer she would have +been completely cured, because in Christian Science, as in nature, +darkness is apt to be most signal just before the dawn. This diagnosis +of the case struck me as highly reasonable. Indeed, I have constantly +said to myself that, provided the dear child managed to escape +indictment, I had every reason to be contented that she was living up +to her lights to the top of her bent. So altogether you can see that +my home was a happy one, and that I desired no change. + +My two sons-in-law! I see them in my mind's eye walking on either side +of me, the one short and slim with a spiritual countenance; the other +tall, handsome, and impressive-looking. Their main object in life +seems to be to help me on with my overcoat, and to guide my senile +steps over street-crossings, though Dr. Meredith tells me that I am +good for twenty years yet, and that I haven't an unsound organ in my +body. They disagree with me in politics so politely that I am fool +enough to open my best wine when they come to dinner. They dog my +footsteps; they silently pass judgment upon me, and I shall never be +able to shake them off until I am dead. Why did they come to worry us? +We were so happy before we knew of their existence. Out upon them both! + +Alas, poor philosopher! Shall I begrudge to my darlings the happiness +that I have known in the too swiftly fleeting years of our married +life? Love has come to claim my flesh and blood even as it claimed me +and Josephine a quarter of a century ago never to loose us from his +silken chains. Love the immortal, the transfigurer of souls, the +unsealer of eyes which in vain have sought the light which streams from +eternity, thou hast come to work anew the old, old story, even though +thy coming rends my heart-strings. Down, selfish, stubborn fumes of +senile cynicism! I bow to the law of life. Come to my embrace, O +sons-in-law; I love you, I bid you welcome to my hearth, even though +you regard me as one for whom the grave is yawning! Listen how bravely +I call Jim--Jim--Jim, a thousand times Jim. And you, the other one, +whose name I do not know, but whose fell purpose I have detected, when +your name is divulged to me I will call that too. + + + + +X + +Said Josephine to me some three months ago: "Fred, we shall have been +married twenty-five years on the twenty-first of next November. We +ought to celebrate it in some way." + +"How better than by having a silver wedding?" + +"Because so many people would feel obliged to give us silver," she +replied. "I am perfectly willing, Fred, that people, should send me +flowers when I'm dead, but I will not have them send silver to my +silver wedding." + +"The simplest way then would be to tell them not to. Put in the corner +of the invitation the letters A. S. W. B. S. B. 'All silver will be +sent back.'" + +"This is a serious subject, Fred. I should like very much to have our +best friends with us on the anniversary, if I could feel sure that they +wouldn't regard it as a tax. We all give willingly when people are +married, but it does seem rather a grind, as the children used to say, +to have to go out and buy something else a quarter of a century later, +when you know that the senile old couple will be able to use whatever +you get only a few years at the farthest, and that then it will be +snapped up or melted up by their children or grandchildren. Mind you, +dear, I should often be glad to give silver myself, if I could afford +it; but I am looking at the matter from the point of view of the world +at large. Do you know," she added, "that isn't at all a bad idea of +yours. We could put on the cards 'No silver,' just as they put 'No +flowers.' It was quite a brilliant suggestion, Fred." + +"There are always fools, though, who will disregard such a notice just +from sheer contrariness." + +"Oh, if we once gave them warning, and they chose to send +notwithstanding, it would be their own fault," exclaimed Josephine, +buoyantly. "I should hope there would be a few such people, for I +should be very glad to have more silver. It's not that I object to the +silver, but because I wish to give a loophole of escape to the people +who wouldn't send it unless they felt obliged to. I should expect +surely to receive quite a lot in one way or another. And it would be +convenient, love, for Winona did not get any too much when she was +married. Everything ran to furniture and books, and out of the little +silver she received their were seven large salad forks, all of which +had her initials on them, so that she couldn't change them." + +There are people who refrain from having their wills drawn on the score +that they would be likely to die if they did. While I have no sympathy +with this superstition, I must confess that a formal celebration of the +twenty-fifth anniversary of your wedding-day has always seemed to me to +savor of willingness to have your account with life audited, with a +view to being able to sink quietly and becomingly into your grave +whenever you were called. In view of the fact that, though each of us +has trifling ailments, neither of us is seriously disabled, it seemed a +little soon to be taking account of stock and talking of putting up the +shutters forever. Yet time's figures are not to be gainsaid, and +especially in the Land of Liberty people are not allowed to forget that +they are growing old even if they have no tall sons and daughters to +attest the fact. What boots it to protest that we feel as young as we +ever did? We might be allowed to say so unchallenged, provided we did +not try to act on the assumption, but the youths without parents and +the newly created species would soon bring us to our senses if we were +to assert ourselves in society so as to cause them the slightest +inconvenience. The middle-aged are allowed to drive and go to the +theatre, and are tolerated at weddings on the ground that they may have +given a wedding present, and at garden parties where there is no lack +of space, but their room is considered better than their company +everywhere else, in spite of the pretty speeches one sometimes hears as +to the charm of entertainments where all ages are gathered together, +and the glory of growing old gracefully as they do in England. I am +not complaining, for between you and me we wouldn't be hired to go to +one-tenth of the places to which we ought to be invited, so far as our +physical state is concerned; but it would be soothing to be asked +occasionally and not to be treated as though we were moribund, and +bidden only to Class Day spreads and to church weddings without a card +for the reception. Once in a while lately Josephine and I have taken +it into our heads to put in an appearance at the Assemblies, where, +though we had been respectfully and cordially received, it has been +evident to us that we were regarded as social Rip Van Winkles, and that +at least half the company were inquiring who in thunder we were, and +the remainder, who did know us, were wondering why in time we came. + +A remark of Josephine's served to crystallize these reflections. "Do +you know, Fred, that I think on the whole we shall have a happier day +if we pass it quietly together, and simply have the children to dine. +So many of the people of whom we were fond at the time we were married +have passed away, that I am sure we should be appalled by the thinness +of the ranks when we began to reckon who are left. Besides, I don't +think that a notice not to bring silver would really protect the poor +wretches who didn't wish to bring any. It would seem too evidently to +mean that they needn't bring any unless they chose to, but that it +would be acceptable all the same, which would worry dreadfully those +who like to do whatever others do. Don't you think so? You see +everybody understands that nobody really objects to receiving silver. +Besides, it would involve no end of fuss, and we should be so occupied +with the arrangements that we should forget to pay any attention to +each other, so that it would be a dreary day to look back upon." + +"Indeed, Josephine, I agree with you entirely," said I. "Unless such +affairs go off just right they are stiff and ghastly. People who are +bent on paying us a compliment will have an opportunity to come to our +funerals before very long." + +"Not together, though. Oh, Fred, wouldn't it be the crowning thing of +all, after so much happiness, if we _could_ die at the same time and +never know what it was to miss each other!" + +Although we are jointly and severally aware that the years have been +slipping away, and that our turns to bid farewell to this dear earth +may come any day now despite the fact that we feel young as ever, we +choose still to regard death as a shy visitor which is likely to prefer +others to us. I say to myself that people rarely die of rheumatism, +which is Josephine's only cross, and though pneumonia is a fell +destroyer, I know that Josephine is firmly convinced that the colds to +which I am subject never attack my lungs. Some day one of us will wake +up and miss the other, unless my darling's prayer that we be taken away +together be granted; but until we do, are we not happier for cherishing +the delusion that we are to be overlooked indefinitely? + +Was it a delusion, too, which made my darling, as I helped her into our +top-buggy on the morning of our twenty-fifth anniversary, seem to me no +less beautiful than on the day when we plighted our troth at the altar? +Did she not wear the same sweet, trusting smile, the same noble look in +her dear eyes? I told her so, and she informed me that I was demented, +but I know she knew that I thought she had not changed, which I am sure +was enough for her even if Providence has dimmed my eyes. Yet I +maintain that I am right. She is a little stouter, of course; I can +see a wrinkle and a crow's foot here and there; and her hair is +grizzled. But to all intents and purposes she does not look a day +older. + +It was a glorious morning; one of those mild, mellow days of the late +autumn, when unscientific people wag their heads and proclaim that the +climate is changing. There was scarcely a breath of wind, and the +landscape toward which our steady nag trotted sturdily wore a faint +atmosphere of saffron haze, as though the sunlight had been steeped in +the lees of the yellow foliage. And the day we were married there was +a driving snowstorm! Josephine had predicted so confidently that +history would repeat itself on our anniversary, that I think she was +rather disappointed when she awoke to find the sun shining and all the +elements at rest. + +Our Pegasus scarcely needed the guidance of the reins. He knew where +we were going, and sped along with our comfortable if old-fashioned +top-buggy at a stylish yet self-respecting gait in keeping with the +dignity of the occasion. Our first destination was the attractive home +of our daughter Winona, who lives eight miles out of town, on a hundred +lordly acres. She has an adoring husband--the tall, handsome, +impressive-looking youth of my prophetic soul--and an adored infant six +months old. Her husband is a scion of one of the oldest and wealthiest +families in the city, and he has already made his mark in the political +field. He has been a Congressman, and his admirers are talking of +giving him the next party nomination--not my party (so you see that my +partiality does not proceed from political affiliation)--for Governor. +He is altogether a delightful young man; and as for the baby--. + +Josephine broke in upon my rhapsodies over my grandson to say again, +for about the fiftieth time during the last year: + +"To think, Fred, that though you saw him face to face, you never +realized that your magnificent unknown was merely Harold Bruce, whom +you had seen and shaken hands with under our roof time and time again. +I laugh whenever I think of it. You gave me a fright that day, when +you told me that you had run across Winona in the company of a +mysterious stranger, which I haven't fully recovered from yet, in spite +of the fact that everything has turned out so well. I dreamed that +night that she had married a professional gambler, who cut her throat +in the course of the first six months because the dear child refused to +aid and abet his nefarious schemes." + +I replied, meekly, for the fiftieth time, something as to the agonies I +had undergone for several years in trying to distinguish one young man +from another when they had presented themselves at my house in +stereotyped evening dress and done me the honor of squeezing my hand so +hard that it was evidently in mistake for the hand of one of my girls. +But though my plea has a sardonic look, the words were spoken on this +day of days--even as Josephine's were spoken--with an air of gentle, +joyous reminiscence, as though, which was indeed the case, we found +delight in reviewing again and again the details of the great happiness +which has been granted to us in the marriage of our beautiful daughter +to one worthy of her. + +We drove up the long avenue of tall, stately pines, and found her +sitting with her husband and their little hostage to fortune enjoying +the glorious mellow sunshine. The tiny monarch sat in his wagon +playing with a handful of autumn leaves which his father, with proud +paternal indifference to the immaculate surface of the silken carriage +blanket, had bestowed upon him. I now became the rival--the successful +rival--of the rustling autumn leaves. At my instigation his mother +freed him from his equipage and a little anxiously yet resolutely laid +him in my arms. I dandled him, I chirruped to him, I hummed to him, I +encouraged him to gnaw my watch and to claw my mustache, and presently +I began to toss him up in my hands and let him down again. + +"Be careful, Fred," said Josephine, warningly; and I saw a shadow of +solicitude cross my daughter's face, though she was plainly doing her +best to seem unconcerned. + +"Pooh," I answered. "I tossed up all my own babies in this way year in +and year out, and not one of them ever got a scratch. I'm not going to +begin by letting my precious grandson fall. Am I, little lamb?" + +Thereupon, by way of showing what an adept I was in the art of baby +tossing, I shot him upward with self-confident impetus. To be sure, my +hands never really left him; they followed him as he ascended and as he +came down. Still, pride, the traditional precursor of falls, stood me +in bad stead, as it has stood others before me. Just as my precious +grandson was descending for the third time, one of my wrists seemed to +turn or give way, destroying thereby the admirable balance maintained +by my hands, and, quick as thought, Master Baby slipped from my grasp +and tumbled to the ground. + +A horrible wail of mingled pain and fright, which wrung my +heart-strings, welled from the lips of the little lamb, as mother, +father, and grandmother rushed to raise him, knocking their own heads +together in the process. Harold, white as a sheet and with a +son-in-law's curse, as I imagined, trembling on his lips, succeeded in +picking him up. I could discern that my grandson's bald little head +was dabbled with blood. His mother evidently perceived the same, for +she cried, with the maternal fierceness akin to that which we are +taught to associate with a tigress protecting its young: + +"Harold, give baby to me, and run for the doctor." + +Why is it that at the most solemn and serious junctures of life +thoughts wholly irrelevant to the occasion will arise without our +bidding and thrust themselves into disconcerting prominence? I was not +positive that I had not maimed my grandson for life, though I agree +that his stentorian yell had relieved my solicitude a trifle. +Certainly, it was a moment of cruel torture, which should have +precluded every other consideration from my brain than concern for the +hapless infant and harsh self-reproach. And yet, as Winona finished +speaking, I made the imp of a reflection that she was sending for a +doctor in spite of Christian Science, and that the scales of +hallucination had fallen from her eyes at the wail of her own flesh and +blood. I was even tempted for an instant to hazard the suggestion +that, as there is no such thing as matter, there could be nothing the +matter with baby, but I bit my tongue in the throes of my disgust at my +involuntary levity. + +Harold had sped down the avenue like an arrow, but scarcely had he +disappeared before the gory streak which dabbled my poor little +victim's brow, and which had seemed to my heated imagination almost an +arterial outburst, yielded to the whisk of a pocket-handkerchief. +Although he still yelled as if his heart would break, I was beginning +to reflect that, barring the very slight scratch on his forehead, he +was more frightened than hurt, when Josephine suggested, like a true +grandmother, the possibility of internal injuries. + +My heart began to throb violently once more, and my mouth to taste dry, +but Winona came to my rescue. + +"Mother," she exclaimed, in a tone of stern impressiveness, "it is of +the utmost importance for baby's sake that you shouldn't think anything +of the kind, for by thinking that he has any internal injuries you +might, or I might, or father might cause the darling to think the same. +We ought all to think that he has nothing the matter with him, and then +he will soon cease to cry. Come, let us all think of other things and +take our minds off baby. Don't even look at him." + +We hastened to do as we were bid. I began to whistle cheerily, and +turning my back on my precious grandson, called Josephine's attention +to the beauties of the landscape in a series of philosophic utterances. +As for Winona herself, she was Spartan enough to restore the little lad +to his baby-carriage, and to busy herself in reflecting whether the +spot of blood on her robin's-egg blue morning wrapper would wash out. +Within three minutes more Master Baby had ceased to sob, and was +playing contentedly again with the rustling autumn leaves, when the +regular practitioner who, it seemed, lived close by, arrived with +Harold at full trot. Winona rose to receive him with a sweet smile, +and said, with her old serenity: "Baby is quite well, Doctor. We all +applied Christian Science principles to his condition, and he finds +that he was in error to suppose that he was really hurt. Thank you so +much for coming." + +I was really too much overwhelmed by this speech to think of +criticising, but Josephine evidently suspected me of something of the +kind, for she pinched unmistakably my arm. As for the poor doctor, he +was smiling in a sickly sort of fashion when my son-in-law, who I am +glad to see is something of a philosopher himself, broke in with-- + +"Since there are no bones broken, the least thing you can do for us, +Doctor, is to stay to luncheon. I have opened a bottle of Clos Vougeot +in honor of the twenty-fifth anniversary of the wedding of my wife's +father and mother." + +"Yes, do stay, Doctor," said Winona. "And I am very anxious that you +should come and vaccinate baby next week." + +The doctor stayed and drank our health in a bottle of excellent wine, +and not a word was said about science of any kind by anyone. As we +drove home I remarked to Josephine that I had made two discoveries: +first, that I had lost my grip a little, especially in the matter of +babies, and secondly, that Christian Science was evidently a convenient +doctrine which could be put on or off like a glove as the occasion +demanded. Replying thereto my wife said: "Fred, I consider that you +had a marvellous escape with that baby, and that Winona bore it +splendidly. As for her silly nonsense, she is evidently in the +moulting state, and I prophesy that by the time baby has the measles we +shall hear no more of it. Harold seems to understand perfectly how to +handle her." + +That evening we had our four children and our two sons-in-law to dine +with us. It was a state occasion. Josephine was in black velvet, and +wore the modest diamond star which I presented to her just before we +sat down to table. The girls looked superbly in their best plumage, +and it seemed to me, as I glanced to right and left from my patriarchal +position, that I had every reason to be proud of the four young men who +will control the destinies of the family when I am under the sod. +Proud not only of my two dear sons, but of my two dear sons-in-law, +who, though one is slight and short, and the other impressive-looking +and tall, and though both hold absurd political notions with which I +have not the slightest sympathy, have so completely won my heart by +their devotion to their wives and generally exemplary behavior, that I +cannot choose between them. I was in a jovial mood that evening, I can +tell you, and there was nothing excellent and rare in my limited but +not wholly featureless cellar which my four brave boys did not have an +opportunity to sample in honor of Josephine's and my twenty-fifth +anniversary. + +Just after the cigars were finished there was a ring at the front +door-bell, and Sam Bangs came into the dining-room, rather to my +astonishment, for I knew that he had not been invited. "How d'y do, +Cousin Josephine; how d'y do, Cousin Fred. Many happy returns of the +day." + +I observed that Sam spoke with a sort of mysterious blitheness, as +though he was under the influence of a joke, and I noticed that he +whispered something to my daughter Josie in answer to an inquiring +glance from her. Just then there was another ring at the door-bell, +and presently through the half-open dining-room doors I caught sight of +a host of people gayly trooping into the front hall. + +"The Philistines are upon thee, Samson," exclaimed Sam Bangs, as I +started to rise in my astonishment. "Cousin Fred and Cousin Josephine, +a select party of your friends have taken the liberty of celebrating +your silver wedding, and are on the way to the drawing-room, where you +are requested to join them." + +I was too dazed to speak; indeed, I was conscious of a lump in my +throat quite inconsistent with a philosophic temperament. Glancing at +my darling, I perceived that she was agitated, and straightway the +nightmare, which was at odds with her joy, as to how she was to provide +a suitable supper for these delightful visitors, took possession also +of my brain. + +"Sam," she gasped, "how many are there?" + +"All the world and his mother, including the youths without parents," +answered her provoking relative with a beaming smile. + +But Josie, who it seems was in the secret with Sam, and had managed +with him the whole affair, put her arms around her mother's neck and +whispered, "Don't believe him. Only people who really care for you are +coming. The supper is all provided for, mamma. I entered into a +conspiracy with your cook, and you needn't give a thought to anything." + +We didn't; and we gave ourselves up to the occasion with a right good +will. As our daughter had said, only dear friends whose +congratulations were precious to us had been invited, and they, to the +number of about fifty, filled out our drawing-room wellnigh to +overflowing. Most of them had brought silver--shall I say alas! or +happily? Generally some pretty trifle which vouched for the sentiment +and taste of the gift horse without seeming to tax the poor animal's +resources. For instance, Mrs. Guy Sloane brought a silver butterfly +intended for a pen-wiper, and my old friend Sam Bolles a silver +paper-knife. Polly Flinders (I never remember her married name), who +has babies of her own, gave Josephine a silver whistle, ostensibly +intended for my grandson, and Gillespie Gore handed me, with his best +bow, an antique silver decanter label marked "Madeira." To be sure, +Mrs. Willoughby Walton did bring a splendid Indian silver necklace of +exquisite workmanship, which she hung about Josephine's neck with a +grand air, informing her that it had once belonged to a princess. As +Josephine said to me later, Mrs. Willoughby can afford to be munificent +if she chooses, and the necklace will just suit Winona's style of +beauty. + +Supper was served at half-past ten, and no one would have guessed that +my darling had not ordered it. Our healths were drunk, and the healths +of our children and grandchild, and I was badgered finally into rising +and making a few scattering remarks by way of grateful acknowledgment. +An effort of this kind would be trying to the sensibilities of even a +real philosopher, and I will confess that, what with stammering and +repeating myself, I was uncertain for some moments whether I should be +able to make myself intelligible. At last, however, a sudden +reflection coming straight from my heart drew me from the slough of +renewing thanks and unsealed my lips. + +"If," I said, "kind friends, you behold me in my fifty-fifth year a +contented man, tolerably well preserved, and with the lustre of true +happiness shining from my eyes; if you see around me brave sons and +fair daughters, with whose promise of usefulness as men and women you +are not ill-pleased; if, indeed, there is any good or any virtue in me +or mine, know as the source, the fountain-head, the inspiration of it +all, the sweetest woman in the whole wide world, there she stands, my +wife Josephine." + +As I sat down amid a tumult of approbation, my darling's confused but +happy smile shone like a beam from heaven athwart my misty gaze. I see +it still as I sit here to-night, with her hand in mine in our silent +but joyous home. The mystery of mysteries, life! Why were we born? +We do not know. What is to become of us when we go hence? We have no +knowledge, but we live in hope. I live in hope. When the last trump +sounds, and the graves give up their dead; when the myriads of souls +are brought face to face with God to learn the solution of all +mysteries, I shall seek only for Josephine. That I may behold her then +is all that I ask of eternity. If I do not see her sweet face, it will +be not because I am perfect, but because I have sinned too much. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE OPINIONS OF A PHILOSOPHER*** + + +******* This file should be named 19509.txt or 19509.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/5/0/19509 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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