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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/19265-8.txt b/19265-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b834360 --- /dev/null +++ b/19265-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5081 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters, by +Henry Wallace Phillips + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters + +Author: Henry Wallace Phillips + +Release Date: September 13, 2006 [EBook #19265] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED SAUNDERS' PETS AND OTHER *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + + + +[Frontispiece: He was a lovely pet (missing from book)] + + + + + + +Red Saunders' Pets + +And Other Critters + + +By + +Henry Wallace Phillips + + + +Author of + +Red Saunders and Mr. Scraggs + + + +Illustrated + + + +New York + +McClure, Phillips & Co. + +Mcmvi + + + + +Copyright, 1906, by + +McCLURE, PHILLIPS & CO. + + +Published, May, 1906 + + +Second Impression + + + +Copyright, 1902, 1903, 1904, 1905, by The S. S. McClure Company + +Copyright, 1902, by The Success Company + +Copyright, 1905, by P. F. Collier & Son + + + + +CONTENTS + + +THE PETS + +OSCAR'S CHANCE, PER CHARLEY + +BILLY THE BUCK + +THE DEMON IN THE CANON + +THE LITTLE BEAR WHO GREW + +IN THE ABSENCE OF RULES + +FOR SALE, THE GOLDEN QUEEN + +WHERE THE HORSE IS FATE + +AGAMEMNON AND THE FALL OF TROY + +A TOUCH OF NATURE + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + +HE WAS A LOVELY PET . . . . . . Frontispiece (missing from book) + +WE NEAR LOST TWO PETS + +"I WISHT SOMEBODY'D TELEGRAPH THAT SON-OF-A-GUN FOR ME" + +BOB 'UD HOP HIM + +HIS STYLE OF RIDING ATTRACTED ATTENTION + +SEARCHING HIS SOUL FOR SOUNDS TO TELL HOW SCART HE WAS + +GET OFF'N ME! + +THE AFFAIR WAS AT PRESENT IN THE FORMAL STATE + +"A WISE AND SUBTLE PIECE OF STRATEGY" + +"AN ACCOUNT OF MY ADVENTURES" + +"'HERE'S--YOUR--DEER--KID,' HE GASPED." + +"JIMMY-HIT-THE-BOTTLE" + +THE PUNCHERS TO THE RESCUE + +"HY" SMITH + +HE'D COME AROUND WITH HIS PLANS AND SPECIFICATIONS TWICE A DAY + +MIGUEL COULD RUN WHEN HE PUT HIS MIND TO IT + +"CLEAN WAS NO NAME FOR HIS PERSONAL APPEARANCE" + +"UP GETS FOXY WITH A SHRIEK AND GALLOPS AROUND THE HOUSE" + +"OLD WINDY USED TO TALK TO THE PIG AS THOUGH THEY'D + BEEN RAISED TOGETHER" + +"HE'D HUMP UP HIS BACK . . . AND RUB AGAINST YOUR LEGS" + +"NO. DIDN'T WANT FOOD. HEART WAS BROKE" + +"'HUNGH!' SAYS HE, AND BLINKED HIS EYES SHUT" + +"THE DOCTOR GOES SAILING INTO THE DRINK" + +"A HA HA! CUT IN TWO IN THE MIDDLE" + +"THAT WOOLLY, BLAATIN' FOOL OF A SHEEP" + +"CHASES HIMSELF OFF TO THE SKY-LINE FOR ANOTHER TRY" + +"THE DURNED RAM WAS PRANCIN' AWAY" + +"HE WAS KNOCKED GALLEY-WEST" + +"THAT PIG LOOKED UP AND SMILED" + +"AND HOLLER! I WISHT YOU COULD HAVE HEARD THAT PIG" + +"DONE. EVERLASTINGLY DONE" + +THROUGH THE GLASS I GOT A BETTER VIEW OF THE + POOR DEVIL ABOUT TO BE STRUNG + +WE CALLED TO HIM TO HALT, AND HE STOPPED, + KIND OF GRINNED AT US AND SAYS: "HELLO!" + +YES, SIR; THERE HE SAT, AND HE WAS KNITTIN' A PAIR OF SOCKS! + +TWENTY-FIVE FOOT OF A DROP, CLEAR, TO ICE-WATER--WOW! + +"WHOOP HER UP, COLIN!" I HOLLERS + + + + +Red Saunders' Pets And Other Critters + + +The Pets + +"Of all the worlds I ever broke into, this one's the most curious," +said Red. "And one of the curiousest things in it is that I think it's +queer. Why should I, now? What put it into our heads that affairs +ought to go so and so and so, when they never do anything of the sort? +Take any book you read, or any story a man tells you: it runs along +about how Mr. Smith made up his mind to do this or that, and proceeded +to do it. And that never happened. What Mr. Smith calls making up his +mind is nothing more nor less than Mr. Smith's dodging to cover under +pressure of circumstances. That's straight. Old Lady Luck comes for +Mr. Smith's mind, swinging both hands; she gives it a stem-winder on +the ear; lams it for keeps on the smeller; chugs it one in the short +ribs, drives right and left into its stummick, and Mr. Smith's mind +breaks for cover; then Mr. Smith tells his wife that--he's made up his +mind--_He_, mind you. Wouldn't that stun you? + +"Some people would say, 'Mr. Sett and Mr. Burton made up their minds to +start the Big Bend Ranch.' All right; perhaps they did, but let me +give you an inside view of the factory. + +"First off, Billy Quinn, Wind-River Smith, and me were putting up hay +at the lake beds. It was a God-forsaken, lonesome job, to say the best +of it, and we took to collecting pets, to make it seem a little more +like home. + +"Billy shot a hawk, breaking its wing. That was the first in the +collection. He was a lovely pet. When you gave him a piece of meat he +said 'Cree,' and clawed chunks out of you, but most of the time he sat +in the corner with his chin on his chest, like a broken-down lawyer. +We didn't get the affection we needed out of him. Well, then +Wind-River found a bull-snake asleep and lugged him home, hanging over +his shoulder. We sewed a flannel collar on the snake and picketed him +out until he got used to the place. And around and around and around +squirmed that snake until we near got sick at our stummicks watching +him. All day long, turning and turning and turning. + +"'Darn it,' says I, 'I like more variety.' So that day, when I was +cutting close to a timbered slew, out pops an old bob-cat and starts to +open my shirt to see if I am her long-lost brother. By the time I got +her strangled I had parted with most of my complexion. Served me right +for being without a gun. The team run away as soon as I fell off the +seat and I was booked to walk home. I heard a squeal from the bushes, +and here comes a funny little cuss. I liked the look of him from the +jump-off, even if his mother did claw delirious delight out of me. He +balanced himself on his stubby legs and looked me square in the eye, +and he spit and fought as though he weighed a ton when I picked him +up--never had any notion of running away. Well, that was Robert--long +for Bob. + +"The style that cat spread on in the matter of growing was simply +astonishing; he grew so's you could notice it overnight. At the end of +two months he was that big he couldn't stand up under our sheet-iron +cook-stove, and this was about the beginning of our family troubles. +Tommy, the snake, was a good deal of a nuisance from the time he +settled down. You'd have a horrible dream in the night--be way down +under something or other, gasping for wind, and, waking up, find Tommy +nicely coiled on your chest. Then you'd slap Tommy on the floor like a +section of large rubber hose. But he bore no malice. Soon's you got +asleep he'd be right back again. When the weather got cool he was +always under foot. He'd roll beneath you and land you on your +scalp-lock, or you'd ketch your toe on him and get a dirty drop. I +don't think I ever laughed more in my life than one day when Billy come +in with an armful of wood, tripped on Tommy, and come down with a +clatter right where Judge Jenkins, the hawk, could reach him. The +Judge fastened one claw in Billy's hair and scratched his whiskers with +the other. Gee! The hair and feathers flew! Bill had a hot temper +and he went for the hawk like it was a man. The first thing he laid +his hand on was Tommy, so he used the poor snake for a club. +Wind-River and me were so weak from laughing that we near lost two pets +before we got strength to interfere." + +[Illustration: We near lost two pets] + +"But, as I was saying, the cold nights played Keno with our happy home. +Neither Tommy nor Bob dared monkey with the Judge--he was the only +thing on top of the earth the cat was afraid of. Bob used to be very +anxious to sneak a hunk of meat from His Honour at times, yet, when the +Judge stood on one foot, cocked his head sideways, snapped his bill and +said 'Cree,' Robert reconsidered. On the other hand, Tommy and Bob +were forever scrapping. Lively set-tos, I want to tell you. The snake +butted with his head like a young streak of lightning. I've seen him +knock the cat ten foot. And while a cat doesn't grow mouldy in the +process of making a move, yet the snake is there about one +seventeen-hundredth-millionth part of a second sooner. And that's a +good deal where those parties are concerned. Now, on cold nights, they +both liked to get under the stove, where it was warm, and there wasn't +room for more'n one. Hence, trouble; serious trouble. Bob hunted +coyotes on moonlight nights. We threw scraps around the corner of the +house to bait 'em, and Bob would watch there hour on end until one got +within range. It was a dead coyote in ten seconds by the watch, if the +jump landed. If it didn't, Bob had learned there was no use wasting +his young strength trying to ketch him. He used to sit still and gaze +after them flying streaks of hair and bones as though he was thinking +'I wisht somebody'd telegraph that son-of-a-gun for me.'" + +[Illustration: "I wisht somebody'd telegraph that son-of-a-gun for me."] + +"Well, then he'd be chilly and reckon he'd climb under the stove. But +Thomas 'ud be there. + +"'H-h-h-h-hhhh!' says Tom, in a whisper. + +"'Er-raow-pht!" says Robert. 'Mmmmm-mm--errrrr--pht!' And so on for +some time, the talk growing louder, then, with a yell that would stand +up every hair on your head, Bob 'ud hop him. Over goes the cook-stove. +Away rolls the hot coals on the floor. Down comes the stove-pipe and +the frying-pans and the rest of the truck, whilst the old Judge in the +corner hollered decisions, heart-broke because he was tied by the leg +and could not get a claw into the dispute. + +[Illustration: Bob 'ud hop him.] + +"By the time we had 'em separated--Bob headed up in his barrel and Tom +tied up in his sack--put the fire out, and fixed things generally, +there wasn't a great deal left of that night's rest. + +"But children will be children. We swore awful, still we wouldn't have +missed their company for a fair-sized farm. + +"And now comes in the first little twist of the Big Bend Ranch, +proper--all these things I'm telling you were the eggs. Here's where +the critter pipped. + +"'Twas November, and such a November as you don't get outside of Old +Dakota, a regular mint-julep of a month, with a dash of summer, a sprig +of spring, a touch of fall, and a sniff or two of winter to liven you +up. If you'd formed a committee to furnish weather for a month, and +they'd turned out a month like that, not even their best friends would +have kicked. And here we'd been makin' hay, and makin' hay, the ranch +people thanking Providence that prairie grass cures on the stem, while +we cussed, for we were sick of the sight of hay. I got so the rattle +of a mower give me hysterics. We were picked because we were steady +and reliable, but one day we bunched the job. Says I, 'Here; we've cut +grass for four solid months, includin' Sundays and legal holidays, +although the Lord knows where they come in, for I haven't the least +suspicion what day of the month it may be, but anyhow, let's knock off +one round.' + +"So we did. I sat outside in the afternoon, while the other two boys +and the rest of the family took a snooze. Here comes a man across the +south flat a-horseback. + +"I watched him, much interested: first place, he was the first strange +human animal we'd laid eye on for six weeks; next place, his style of +riding attracted attention. I thought at the time he must have +invented it, him being the kind of man that hated horses, and wanted to +keep as far away from them as possible, yet forced by circumstances to +climb upon their backs." + +[Illustration: His style of riding attracted attention.] + +"His mount was a big American horse, full sixteen hand high, trotting +in twenty-foot jumps. If I had anything against a person, just short +of killing, I'd tie him on the back of a horse trotting like that. +It's a great gait to sit out. Howsomever, this man didn't sit it out; +what he wanted of a saddle beyond the stirrups was a mystery, for he +never touched it. He stood up on his stirrups, bent forward like he +was going to bite the horse in the ear, soon's the strain got +unendurable. + +"Well, here he come, straight for us. I'd a mind to wake the other +boys up, to let 'em see something new in the way of mishandling a +horse, but they snored so peaceful. I refrained. + +"'How-de-do?' says he. + +"I said I was worrying along, and sized him up, on the quiet. He was a +queer pet. Not a bad set-up man, and rather good looking in the face. +Light yellow hair, little yellow moustache, light blue eyes. And +clean! Say, I never saw anybody that looked so aggravating clean in +all my life. It seemed kind of wrong for him to be outdoors; all the +prairie and the cabin and everything looked mussed up beside him. + +"As soon as he opened up, I noticed he had a little habit of speaking +in streaks, that bothered me. I missed the sense of his remarks. + +"'Would you mind walking over that trail again?' I asked him. 'I do +most of my thinking at a foot-step and your ideas is over the hill and +far away before I can recognise the cut of their scalp-lock.' + +"'Haw!' says he and stared at me. I was just on the point of askin' +him if red hair was a new thing to him, when all of a sudden he begun +to laugh, 'Haw-haw-haw!' says he; 'not bad at all, ye know.' + +"'Of course not,' says I. 'Why should it be?' + +"This got him going. I saw him figuring away to himself, and then I +had to smile so you could hear it. + +"'Well,' says I, better humoured, 'tell us it again--I caught the word +sheep in the hurricane.' + +"So he went over it, talking slow. I listened with one ear, for he had +a white bulldog with him; a husky, bandy-legged brute with a black eye, +and he was sniffing, dog fashion, around the door, while I blocked him +out with my legs. Doggy was in a frame of mind, puzzling out +bull-snake trail, and hawk trail, and bob-cat trail. He foresaw much +that was entertaining the other side of the door, and wanted it, +powerful. + +"'Here,' says I, 'call your dog. I can't pay attention to both of you.' + +"'He won't hurt anything, you know,' says the man. + +"'Well, we've got a cat in there that'll hurt _him_,' I says. 'You'd +better whistle him off before old Bob wakes up and scatters him around +the front yard.' + +"Gee! That man sat up straight on his horse! Cat hurt that dog? +Nonsense! Of course, he wouldn't let the dog hurt the cat, and as long +as I was afraid---- + +"I looked into that peaceful cabin. Billy was lying on his back, his +fine manly nose vibrating with melody; Wind-River was cooing in a +gentle, choked-to-death sort of fashion, on the second bunk; Tom was +coiled in the corner, the size of half a barrel; the Judge slept on his +perch; Robert reposed under the cook-stove with just a front paw +sticking out. It was one of them restful scenes our friends the poets +sing about. It did appear wicked to disturb it but---- + +"'Will you risk your dog?' I asked that man very softly and politely. + +"'Certainly!' says he. + +"Says I, 'His blood be on your shirtfront,' and I moved my leg. + +"Well, sir, Billy landed on the grocery shelf. Wind-River grabbed his +gun and sat up paralysed. It really was a most surprising noise. I've +had hard luck in my life, but all the things that ever happened to me +would seem like a recess to that bulldog. Our domestic difficulties +was forgotten. 'United We Stand,' waved the motto of the lake-bed +cabin. Jerusalem! That dog was snake-bit, and +hawk-scratched-and-bit-and-clawed, and +bobcat-scratched-and-bit-and-clawed, till you could not see a cussed +thing in that cabin but blur. And of all the hissing and squawking and +screeching and yelling and snapping and roaring and growling you or any +other man ever heard, that was the darndest. I took a look at the +visitor. He'd got off his horse and was standing in the doorway with +his hands spread out. His face expressed nothing at all, very +forcible. Meanwhile, things were boilin' for fair; cook-stove, +frying-pans, stools, boxes, saddles, tin cans, bull-snakes, hawks, +bob-cats, and bulldogs simply floated in the air. + +"'I wish you'd tell me what has busted loose, Red Saunders!' howls old +Wind-River in an injured tone of voice; 'and whether I shell shoot or +sha'n't I?' + +"There come a second's lull. I see Judge Jenkins on the dog's back, +his talents sunk to the hock, whilst he had hold of an ear with his +bill, pullin' manfully. Tommy had swallered the dog's stumpy tail, and +Bob was dragging hair out of the enemy like an Injun dressing hides. + +"A bulldog is like an Irishman; he's brave because he don't know any +better, and you can't get any braver than that, but there's a limit, +even to lunk-headedness. It bored through that dog's thick skull that +he had butted into a little bit the darndest hardest streak of +petrified luck that anything on legs could meet with. + +"'By-by,' says he to himself. 'Out doors will do for me!' And here he +come! Neither the visitor nor me was expecting him. He blocked the +feet out from under us and sat his master on top. We got up in time to +see a winged bulldog, with a tail ten foot long, bounding merrily over +the turf, searching his soul for sounds to tell how scart he was, +whilst a desperate bob-cat, spitting fire and brimstone, threw dirt +fifty foot in the air trying to lay claws on him." + +[Illustration: Searching soul for sounds to tell how scart he was] + +"As they disappeared over the first rise I rolls me a cigarette and +lights it slowly. + +"'Just by way of curiosity,' says I; 'how much will you take for your +dog?' + +"'My Heavens!' says he, recovering the power of speech. 'What kind of +animal was that?' + +"'Come in,' says I, 'and take a drink--you need it.' + +"So we gathered up the ruins and tidied things some, while the new man +sipped his whiskey. + +"'My!' says he, of a sudden. 'I must go after my poor dog.' + +"I sort of warmed to him at that. 'Dog's all right,' says I. 'He'll +shake 'em loose and be home in no time. Now you tell me about them +sheep.' + +"'Sheep?' says he, putting his hand to his head. 'What was it about +sheep?' + +"'Hello in the house!' sings out Billy. 'The children's comin' home!' + +"We tumbled out. Sure enough, the warriors was returning. First come +the Judge, tougher than rawhide, half walking and half flying, his +wings spread out, 'cree-ing' to himself about bulldogs and their ways; +next come Bobby, still sputtering and swearing, and behind ambled +Thomas at a lively wriggle, a coy, large smile upon his face. + +"'Ur-r-roup! Roup!' sounds from the top of the rise. The family +halted and turned around, expectin' more pleasure, for there on the top +of the hill stood the terrible scart but still faithful bulldog calling +for his master to come away from that place quick, before he got +killed. But he had one eye open for safety, and when the family +stopped, he ducked down behind the hill surprisin'. + +"'Well, I must be going,' says the visitor. 'My name's Sett--Algernon +Alfred Sett--and I shall be over next week to talk to you about those +sheep.' + +"'Any time,' says I. 'We'll be here till we have to shovel snow to get +at the hay, from the look of things.' + +"'Well, I'm very anxious to have a good long talk with you about +sheep,' says he. 'I've been informed that you had a long experience in +that line in--er--Nevverdah----' + +"'Nevverdah?' says I. 'Oh!--Nevada. I beg your pardon--I've got in +the habit of pronouncing in that way. It wasn't Nevada, by the way--it +was Texas--but that's only a matter of a Europe or so. Yes, I met a +sheep or two in that country, I'm sorry to say.' + +"'I--er--think of engaging in the business, dontcher know,' says he, +relaxing into his first method of speech; 'and should like to consult +you professionally.' + +"'All right, sir!' says I. 'I'm one of the easiest men to consult west +of any place east. Can't you stay now and get the load off your mind?' + +"'Well--_no_,' he says to me very confidentially. 'You see, that dog +is a great pet of my wife's, and I'm also afraid she will be a little +worried by my long absence, so----' + +"'I see, sir--I see,' I answered him. 'Well, come around again and +we'll talk sheep.' + +"'Thank you--thank you _so_ much,' says he, and pops up on his horse. +Then again, without any warning, he broke into a haw-haw-haw! as he +threw a glance at the family, who sat around eyeing him. 'You were +quite right about that _cat_, you know,' says he. 'Capital! Capital! +But a _little_ rough on the dog.' And off he goes, bobbity-bob, +bobbity-bob. + +"'Where'd you tag that critter, Red?' says Wind-River. 'My mind's +wanderin'.' + +"'He comes down the draw much the graceful way he's going up it,' says +I. 'From where, and why how, I dunno. But I kind of like him against +my better instincts, Windy.' + +"Windy spit thoughtfully at a fly fifteen foot away. 'I shouldn't have +time to hate him much myself,' says he. + +"And there you are. That's how I met Brother Sett, and the Big Bend +Ranch stuck her head out of the shell." + + + + +Oscar's Chance, per Charley + +"Bhooooooorrr! Bhooooooooooooooorrrrr!" It was the hollow, +melancholy, wild beast-howl of a fog-horn. We were drifting upon a +tragic coast, where the great waves slipped up the cliffs noiselessly, +to disappear upon the other side. At the time, I was talking to a +person who had just been a sort of composite of several of my friends, +but was now a gaunt bay mule. "Isn't it co-o-ld?" I said to him, and +shivered. He looked me sternly in the eye. "Get up!" said he. The +vessel struck a rock and trembled violently. "Get up!" repeated the +mule, and there was a menace in his voice now. "Bhooooooooooorrrrr!" +moaned the fog-horn. This was dreadful. But worse followed. The +waters gathered themselves and rose into a peak, the mule sliding +swiftly to the apex, still holding me with his uncanny eyes. There +came a shock, and Oscar said, "For the Lord's sake, kid! They've been +braying away on that breakfast horn for the last five minutes. Hustle!" + +I found myself upon my hands and knees; in a cabin, all right, but the +cabin was on the prairie. I looked around, stupid with sleep. The +familiar sights met my eye--Oscar tiptoeing about, bow-legged, arms +spread like wings, drawing his breath through his teeth, after the +fashion of half-frozen people. Old Charley sat humped up in the +corner, sucking his cob pipe. The stove was giving forth a smell of +hot iron, and no heat, as usual. On it rested a wash-basin, wherein +some snow was melting for the morning ablutions. A candle projected a +sort of palpable yellow gloom into the grey icy morning air. I dressed +rapidly. As I slept in overcoat and cap, this was no great matter. A +pair of German socks and arctics completed my attire. Evidently I had +been put upon the floor by the hand of Oscar. For this, when Oscar +stretched his nether garment tight, in the act of washing his face, I +smote him upon the fulness thereof with a long plug of chewing tobacco. +"Aow!" he yelled, recurving like a bow and putting his hands to his +wound. Promptly we clinched and fell upon old Charley. To the floor +the three went, amid a shower of sparks from the cob pipe. "You dam +pesky kids!" said the angry voice of Charles (the timbre of that voice, +after travelling through four inches of nose, is beyond imitation). +"Get off'n me! Quit now! Stop yer blame foolin'!" + +[Illustration: Get off'n me!] + +Oscar and I swallowed our giggles and rolled all over Charley. +"_Well_, by Jeeroosha!" came from the bottom of the heap in the tone of +one who has reached the breaking point of astonished fury. "I'm goin' +to do some shootin' when this is over--yes, sir, I won't hold back no +more--ef you boys don't git off'n me this minit, so help me Bob! I'll +bite yer!" + +This was a real danger, and we skipped off him briskly. "Why, +Charley," explained Oscar, "you see, we got so excited that we didn't +notice----" + +"There's Steve now," interrupted Charley, pointing with a long crooked +forefinger to the doorway. "Well, Steve! I'm glad you come. I just +want you to see the kind of goin's on there is here." Charles cleared +his throat and stuck his thumb in his vest. "F'r instance, this +mornin', I sittin' right there in that corner, not troublin' nobody, +when up gets that splay-footed, sprawlin', lumberin' bull-calf of an +Oscar, an' that mischievious, sawed-off little monkey of a Harry, and +they goes to pullin' and tusslin', and they jes' walks up and down on +me, same's if I was a flight of steps. Now, you know, Steve, I'm a man +of sagassity an' _ex_periunce, an' I ain't goin' to stand fur no such +dograsslin'. I felt like doin' them boys ser'us damage, but they're +young, and life spreads green and promisin' befo' 'em, like a banana +tree; consequently I prefer jus' to tell you my time is handed in." + +Charley was proudly erect. His arms stretched aloft. His one yellow +tooth rested on his lower lip; his face, the thickness and texture of a +much-worn leather pocketbook, showed a tinge of colour as the words +went to his head like wine. + +Steve looked at the floor. "Too bad, Charley; too bad," he said in +grave sympathy. "But probably we can fix it up. Now, as we have +company, would you mind hitting the breakfast trail?" + +"After I've made a few remarks," returned Charles haughtily. + +Steve dropped on a stool. "Sick your pup on," he said. Charley leaped +at the opportunity. + +"There _are_ some things I sh'd like to mention," said he. We noted +with pleasure that he wore his sarcastic manner. "F'r instance, you +doubtless behold them small piles of snow on the floo', which has come +in through certain an' sundry holes in the wall that orter been chinked +last fall. Is it _my_ place to chink them holes? The oldes' an' mose +_ex_periunced man in the hull cat-hop? I reckon otherwise. Then why +didn't they git chinked? Why is it that the snows and winds of an +outraged and jus'ly indignant Providence is allowed to introdoose +theirselves into this company unrebuked? + +"I have heard a' great deal, su', about the deadenin' effeck produced +upon man's vigger by a steady, reliable, so'thern climate. As a +citizen of the State of Texas fo' twenty years I repel the expersion +with scorn and hoomiliation. Nevertheless and notwithstanding, +'lowing' that to be the truth, did you encounter anything in this here +country to produce such an effeck? For Gawd's sake, su', if there's +anything in variety, a man livin' here orter lay holt of the grass +roots, fur fear he'd git so durn strong he couldn't stay on the face of +the yearth. Ef it ain't so sinful cold that yer ears'll drap off at a +touch, it's so hell-fire hot that a man's features melt all over his +face, and ef it ain't so solemn still that you're scart to death, the +wind'll blow the buttonholes outer yer clo's'. I have seen it do a +hull yearful of stunts in twenty-four hours, encludin' hot an' cold +weather, thunderstorms, drought, high water, and a blizzard. That +settles the climate question. Then what is it that has let them holes +go unchinked? I'll tell you, su'; it's nothin' more nor less than the +tinkerin', triflin', pettifoggin' dispersition of them two boys. +That's what makes it that there's mo' out-doors inside this bull-pen +than there is on the top of Chunkey Smith's butte; that's what makes it +I can't get up in the mornin' without having myself turned inter a +three-ringed circus. But I ain't the man to complain. Ef there's +anything that gums up the cards of life, it's a kicker; so jes' as one +man to another, I tells you what's wrong here and leaves you to figger +it out fer yerself." + +He glanced around on three grave faces with obvious satisfaction. His +wrath had dissipated in the vapour of words. "Nor they ain't such bad +boys, _as_ boys, nuther," he concluded. + +"I will examine this matter carefully, Charles," said Steve. + +"I thank you, su'," responded Charley, with a courtly sweep of his hand. + +"Not at all," insisted Steve, with a duplicate wave. "I beg that you +won't mention it. And now, if you would travel toward the house----" + +"_Cer_tainly!" + +And out we went into North Dakota's congealed envelope, with the smoke +from the main-house chimney rising three hundred feet into the air, a +snow-white column straight as a mast, Charley stalking majestically +ahead, while we three floundered weakly behind him. + +"Ain't he the corker?" gasped Oscar. "When he gets to jumping sideways +among those four-legged words he separates me from my good intentions." + +"'With scorn and hoomiliation,'" quoted Steve, and stopped, overcome. + +"'I tells you what's the matter and leaves you to figger it out for +yourself,'" I added. Then Charley heard us. He turned and approached, +an awful frown upon his brow. + +"May I inquire what is the reason of this yere merriment?" he asked. +The manner was that of a man who proposed to find out. It sat on +Charley with so ludicrous a parody that we were further undone. Steve +raised his hands in deprecation, and spoke in a muffled voice that +broke at intervals. + +"Can't I laugh in my own backyard, Charley?" he said. "By the Lord +Harry, I _will_ laugh inside my stakes! No man shall prevent me. The +Constitution of the United States, the Declaration of Independence, and +the Continental Congress give me the right. Now what have you got to +say?" + +"I dunno but what you have me whipsawed there, Steve," replied Charley, +scratching his head. "Ef it's your right by the Constitootion, o' +course I ain't goin' to object." + +"Do either of you object?" demanded Steve of Oscar and me in his +deepest bass. No, we didn't object; we fell down in the snow and +crowed like chanticleer. + +"Hunh!" snorted Charley. "Hunh! Them boys hain't got brains in their +heads at all--nothin' but doodle-bugs!" + +"Well, Charley," continued Steve, "as you don't object, and they don't +object, and I don't object, for God's sake let's have breakfast!" + +"I'll go you, Steve," replied Charles seriously, and we entered the +house uproarious. + +There in the kitchen was Mrs. Steve and the "company," a pretty little +bright-eyed thing, whose colour went and came at a word--more +particularly if Oscar said the word. The affair was at present in the +formal state--the dawn of realisation that two such wonderful and +magnificent creatures as Oscar and Sally existed. But they were not +Oscar and Sally except in the dear privacy of their souls. Yet how +much that is not obvious to the careless ear can be put into "Will you +have a buckwheat cake, Mr. Kendall?" or "May I give you a helping of +the syrup, Miss Brown?" It took some preparation for each to get out +so simple a remark, and invariably the one addressed started guiltily, +and got crimson. It was the most uncomfortable rapture I ever saw, +However, they received very little plaguing. I can remember but one +hard hit. Oscar was pouring syrup upon Sally's cakes, his eyes fixed +upon a dainty hand, that shook under his gaze like a leaf. He forgot +his business. Steve looked at the inverted, empty syrup-cup for some +moments in silence. Then he said to his wife, "Emma, go and get Sally +a nice cupful of fresh air to put on her cakes; that that Oscar has in +the pitcher is stale by this time." + +[Illustration: The affair was at present in the formal state] + +Oh, those cakes! And the ham! And the fried eggs and potatoes. We +lived like fighting cocks at Steve's, as happens on most of the small +ranches. The extreme glory of the prairie was not ours. We were +wood-choppers, hay-cutters, and farmers, as well as punchers; but what +we lost in romance, we made up in sustenance. No one ever saw a +biscuit suffering from soda-jaundice on Steve's table. And how, after +a night's sleep in a temperature of forty below zero, I would champ my +teeth on the path to breakfast! Eating was not an appetite in those +days--it was a passion. + +Charley and I went forth after breakfast, Oscar lingering a moment, +according to his use, to pass a painful five minutes in making excuses +for staying that time, where no one needed any explanation. + +"I wish to gracious Sally and Oscar would just act like people," said +Mrs. Steve once in exasperation. "They get me so nervous stammering at +each other that I drop everything I lay my hands on, and I feel as if +I'd robbed somebody for the rest of the day." + +The interview over, Oscar came out, burning with his own embarrassment, +and made a sore mess of everything he did for the next hour. A man +must have his mind about him on a ranch. + +Once upon a time Steve came to Charley and me, literally prancing. We +had heard oaths and yells and sounds of a battle royal previously, and +wondered what was going on. When he neared us he moved slowly, his +hands working like machinery. "I would like to know," he began, and +stopped to glare at us and grind his teeth. "I should like to know," +he continued, in a voice so weak with rage we could hardly hear it, +"who turned the red bull into number three corral." + +Charley and I went right on cleaning out the shed. We weren't going to +tell on Oscar. + +"So it's him again, heh?" shrieked Steve. "Well, now I propose to show +him something. I'll show him everything!" He was entirely beyond the +influence of reason and grammar. Charley had an ill-advised notion to +play the paternal. + +"Now, I'd cool down if I was you, Steve," he admonished. + +"You would, would you!" foamed Steve. "Well, who the devil cares what +you'd do, anyhow? And if you tell me to cool down just once more, I'll +drive you into the ground like a tent-pin." + +I jumped through the window, and then laughed, while Charley +administered his reproof with appropriate gestures. His long arms flew +in the air as he delivered the inspired address, Steve looking at him, +a bit of shamefacedness and fun showing through his heat. + +"An' mo' I tell you, Steven P. Hendricks!" rolled out Charley in +conclusion. "That this citizen of Texas, jus'ly and rightjus'ly called +the Lone Star State, has never yet experienced the feeling of bein' +daunted by face of man. No, su'! By God, su'!" He held the shovel +aloft like a sword. "Let 'em come as they will, male and female after +their kind, from a ninety poun' Jew peddler to Sittin' Bull himself, +and from a pigeon-toed Digger-Injun squaw to a fo'-hundred-weight Dutch +lady, I turn my back on none!" + +"You win, Charley," said Steve, and walked off. All Oscar caught out +of it was the request that when he felt like reducing the stock on the +ranch he'd take a rifle. + +Poor Oscar! All noble and heroic sentiments struggling within him, +with no outlet but a hesitating advancing of the theory that "if we +didn't get rain before long, the country'd be awful dry." Small wonder +that he burst out in the bull-pen one night with "I wish the Injuns +would jump this ranch!" + +"You do?" said Charley. "Well, durn your hide for that wish! What's +got into you to make you wish that?" + +"Aw!" said Oscar, twitching around on his stool, "I'm sick and tired of +not being able to say anything. If the Sioux got up, I could do +something." + +"Oh, that's it," retorted Charles. "Well, Oscar, far's I can see, if +it's necessary to have a war-party of Injuns whoopin' an' yellin' an' +crow-hoppin' an' makin' fancywork out of people to give you the proper +start afore your gal, it'd be jes' as well for you to stay single the +res' of your days. The results wouldn't justify the trouble." + +Afterward Oscar told me in private that Charley was an old stiff, and +he didn't believe he'd make a chest at a grasshopper if the latter +spunked up any. That wronged old Charley. But Oscar must be +excused--he was a singularly unhappy man. + +To come back to what happened. Oscar that morning had the care of +Geronimo, a coal-black, man-eating stallion, a brute as utterly devoid +of fear as of docility. A tiger kills to eat, and occasionally for the +fun of it; that horse killed out of ferocity, and hate of every living +thing. + +A fearful beast is a bad horse. One really has more chance against a +tiger. Geronimo stood seventeen hands high, and weighed over sixteen +hundred pounds. When he reared on his hind legs and came for you, +screaming, his teeth snapping like bear-traps, his black mane flying, a +man seemed a pigmy. One blow from those front hoofs and your troubles +were over. Once down, he'd trample, bite, and kick until your own +mother would hesitate to claim the pile of rags and jelly left. He had +served two men so; nothing but his matchless beauty saved his life. + +Nowhere could one find a better example of hell-beautiful than when he +tore around his corral in a tantrum, as lithe and graceful as a black +panther. His mane stood on end; his eyes and nostrils were of a +colour; the muscles looked to be bursting through the silken gloom of +his coat. His swiftness was something incredible. He caught and most +horribly killed Jim Baxter's hound before the latter could get out of +the corral--and a bear-hound is a pretty agile animal. We had to tie +Jim, or he'd made an end of Geronimo. He left the ranch right after +that. The loss of his dog broke him all up. + +We fed and watered Geronimo with a pitchfork, and in terror then, for +his slyness and cunning were on a par with his other pleasant +peculiarities. One of the poor devils he killed entered the stable all +unsuspecting. Geronimo had broken his chains, and stood close against +the wall of his stall in the darkness, waiting. The man came within +reach. Suddenly a black mass of flesh flashed in the air above him, +coming down with all four hoofs--and that's enough of that story. + +A nice pet was Geronimo. An excellent decoration for a gentleman's +stable--stuffed. + +Well, Oscar turned him out this morning, and then he, Steve, and I went +for hay. As it was toward the last of winter, all the near stacks had +been used up, and we had to haul from Kennedy's bottom, eight miles +away. When we started, the air was still and frozen, with a deep, +biting cold unusual to Dakota; the sort that searches you and steals +all the heat you own. We were numb by the time we reached the stack, +and glad enough to have warm work to do. We fell to it with a rush for +that reason, and because a dull grey blink upon the western skyline +seemed to promise a blizzard. We were tying down the last load, when I +heard the hum of wind coming, and looked up, expecting to see a wall of +flying snow, and continued looking, seeing nothing of the kind. There +I stood, in the air of an ice-house, when a gust of that wind struck +me. A miracle! In a snap of your fingers I was bathed in genial +warmth. All about me rode the scent of spring and flowers! It was as +if the doors of a giant conservatory were thrown open. + +"Chinook, boys! Chinook!" I called, casting down my fork. They ran +from the lee of the stack, throwing their coats open, drinking it in +and laughing, for, man! we were weary of winter! First it came in +puffs, at length settling down to a steady breeze, as of the sea. The +sun, that in the early morning was no more than a pale effigy, poured +on us a heart-warming fire. We hustled for home, knowing that the +Chinook would make short work of the snow. In fact, we had not covered +more than half the distance before the prairie began to show brown here +and there, where it lay thin between mountainous drifts. We sang and +howled all the way to the sheds, feeling fine. + +Here Steve left us, to go to the house, while Oscar and I unloaded the +sleighs. + +Suddenly I felt uncomfortable, for no reason in this world. The land +about us was rejoicing with the booming of that kind, warm wind, yet a +sharp uneasiness stopped me and forced me to raise my head. For +three-quarters of a circle nothing met my eyes but the vanishing +snow-drifts. I reached the house; nothing wrong there. Steve was +walking briskly out toward us, smoking his pipe. Then the corrals--all +right, number one, two, three, four--Lord have mercy! + +"Oscar!" I shrieked, and snatched him to his feet. He rose, bewildered +and half angry, then looked to where I pointed. + +Through the centre of number four corral tripped Sally, dear little +timid Sally, glad to be out in this lovely air, her eyes and mind on +Oscar doubtless, and in the same corral, shut off from her sight by a +projection of the sheds, stood Geronimo. And he saw her, too, for as +she waved a hand to us, he bared his great teeth and clashed them +together. The earth seemed to rock and sink from me. Every soul on +the ranch was told to keep away from the corral with the two buffalo +skulls over the gates, a warning sufficiently big and gruesome to stop +anyone. What fatal lapse of memory had struck the girl? + +She was beyond help. We were all of two hundred yards away, and Steve +still farther; she was not a quarter of that from the brute. If we +shouted, if we moved, we might bring her end upon her--and such an end! +When I thought of that dainty, pretty little woman beneath those hoofs, +I felt a hideous sickness. The man beside me said, "My God! My +mistake!" A corral opened on each side of the box stall in which +Geronimo was confined. One of these was usually empty, a reserve. It +was into this that Oscar had turned the horse. The other was the +corral of the skulls. + +Geronimo leaped out. The girl halted, stark, open-mouthed, every sign +of life stricken from her at a blow. Geronimo sprang high and snapped +at nothing, in evil play before the earnest. It was horrible. We +could do neither harm nor good now, so we ran for the spot. It was +down hill from us to them. I doubt that anything on two legs ever +covered distance as we did, for all the despair. Geronimo reared and +stood upon his hind feet, as straight as a man. He advanced, striking, +looming above his victim. "All over," I thought, and tried to take my +eyes away. I could not. + +At that instant a white-hatted, gaunt, tall figure rushed from the +stable door, a shovel in its hand, straight between the girl and her +destruction. There he stood, with his partly weapon raised, +unflinching. An oath came to my lips and a hot spot to my throat at +the sight. No eye ever saw a braver thing. + +At this, a dip in the ground and the eight-foot fence of the corral +shut out all within. God knows how we got over that fence. I swear I +think we leaped it. I have no memory of climbing, but I do recall +landing on the other side in a swoop. + +Geronimo had old Charley in his teeth, shaking him like a rat. + +"Steve!" I called, "Steve!" And then Oscar and I charged at the wicked +brute with our pitchforks. All that followed is a tangled, bad dream +of hurry, fear, yells, oaths, and myself stabbing, stabbing, stabbing +with the pitchfork. Then a gun cracked somewhere, a black mass toppled +toward me that knocked me sprawling--and all was still. I sat for a +moment, smiling foolishly and fumbling for my hat. Steve raised me by +the arm. He still had his revolver in his hand, and his glance on the +dead stallion. He asked me if I was hurt, and I said yes. He asked me +where, and I said that made no difference. Then, as I came to a little +more, I said I guessed I wasn't hurt, and looked around. Oscar had +Sally in his arms. The tears were running down his cheeks, and he +moved his head from side to side, like a man in agony. Her head was +buried in his breast, her hands locked around his neck. It was well +with them, evidently. But limp upon the ground, his forehead varnished +red, lay old Charley. + +We turned him over tenderly, wiping the blood away. Steve's lips +quivered as he put his hand on the old man's heart. He kept it there a +long time. Then he said huskily, "He's gone!" At the words the sound +eye of the victim popped open with a suddenness that made my heart +throw a somersault. It was as sane, calm, and undisturbed an optic as +ever regarded the world. + +"G-a-w-n H--l!" said Charley. + +We laughed and wiped our eyes with our coat sleeves, and got the old +boy to his feet. + +"Same old Texas," said he, feeling of his head (the hoof had scraped, +instead of smashing), "slightly disfiggered, but still in the ring." + +He caught sight of the lovers. "Hello!" he said. "Oscar's made his +ante good at last--bad hawse works as well as Injuns." We started to +lead him by the pair. + +"Naw, boys," he commanded. "Take me 'round 't'uther way. That gal +don't want to see me now, all bloody and mussed up like this." + +It was useless to attempt making a hero of Charley. + + + + +Billy the Buck + +I fancy I assume an impregnable position in saying that real poetry is +truth, presented in its most vivid and concise form. If the statement +stands, I request that every line of English verse containing the words +"Timid deer," or referring in any way to a presumed gentle, trusting, +philanthropic disposition in the beast, be at once revised or +expurgated. I shall not except the works of William Shakespeare. When +the melancholy Jaques speaks of one of these ferocious animals, saying, +"The big round tears coursed one another down his innocent nose in +piteous chase," I believe Jaques lied; or, if he lied not, and the +phenomenon occurred as reported, that the tears were tears of rage +because the deer could not get at Jaques, and as an extension, if he +had gotten at Jaques, he would have given said Jaques some cold facts +to be contemplative about. After my experience, if I should see any +misguided person making friendly advances to one of these horned +demons, I should cry, "Whoa!" as Cassandra did to the wood horse of the +Greeks, and probably with the same result. They would not falter until +they had gathered bitter experience with their own hands. + +Why? This is why. One day, when I was working on a Dakota ranch, the +boss, a person by the name of Steve, urged me to take an axe, go forth, +and chop a little wood, which I did. + +The weather was ideal. A Dakota fall. Air vital with the mingled +pleasant touch of frost and sun, like ice-cream in hot coffee, and +still as silence itself. I had a good breakfast, was in excellent +health and spirits; the boss could by no means approach within a mile +unperceived, and everything pointed to a pleasant day. But, alas! as +the Copper-lined Killelu-bird of the Rockies sings, "Man's hopes rise +with the celerity and vigour of the hind leg of the mule, only to +descend with the velocity of a stout gentleman on a banana peel." + +On reaching the grove of cottonwoods I sat down for a smoke and a +speculative view of things in general, having learned at my then early +age that philosophy is never of more value than when one should be +doing something else. + +I heard a noise behind me, a peculiar noise, between a snort and a +violent bleat. Turning, I saw a buck deer, and, from the cord and bell +around his neck, recognised him as one Billy, the property of Steve's +eldest boy. He was spoken of as a pet. + +This was the touch needed to complete my Arcadia; the injection of +what, at the time, I considered to be poetry into the excellent prose +of open air life. Who could see that graceful, pretty creature, and +remain unmoved? Not I, at all events. I fancied myself as a knight of +old in the royal forest, which gave a touch of the archaic to my +speech. "Come here, thou sweet-eyed forest child!" I cried, and here +he came! At an estimate I should say that he was four axe-handles, or +about twelve feet high, as he upended himself, brandished his antlers, +and jumped me. My axe was at a distance. I moved. I played knight to +king's bishop's eighth, in this case represented by a fork of the +nearest tree. A wise and subtle piece of strategy, as it resulted in a +drawn game. + +[Illustration: "A wise and subtle piece of strategy"] + +My friend stood erect for a while, making warlike passes with his front +feet (which, by the way, are as formidable weapons as a man would care +to have opposed to him); then, seeing that there was no sporting blood +in me, he devoured my lunch and went away--a course I promptly imitated +as far as I could; I departed. + +Hitherto, I had both liked and admired Steve. His enormous strength, +coupled with an unexpected agility and an agreeable way he had of +treating you as if you were quite his own age, endeared him to me. +When I poured out my troubles to him, however, rebuking him for +allowing such a savage beast to be at large, he caused my feelings to +undergo a change. For, instead of sympathising, he fell to uproarious +laughter, slapped his leg, and swore that it was the best thing he'd +ever heard of, and wished he'd been there to see it. + +I concluded, judicially, that Steve had virtues, but that he was at the +last merely a very big man of coarse fibre. Perhaps I had been a +little boastful previously concerning my behaviour under trying +circumstances. If so, I was well paid out for it. That night I had +the pleasure of listening to an account of my adventures, spiced with +facetious novelties of Steve's invention, such as that my cries for +help were audible to the house, and only the fact that he couldn't tell +from which direction they came prevented Steve from rushing to my +rescue, and that all the deer wanted was my lunch, anyhow. I wished I +had kept the lunch episode to myself. + +[Illustration: "An account of my adventures"] + +There are probably no worse teases on earth than the big boys who chase +the cow on the Western prairies. They had "a horse on the kid," and +the poor kid felt nightmare ridden indeed. If I were out with them, +someone would assume an anxious look and carefully scout around a bunch +of grass in the distance, explaining to the rest that there might be a +deer concealed there, and one could not be too careful when there were +wild beasts like that around. Then the giggling rascals would pass the +suspected spot with infinite caution, perhaps breaking into a gallop, +with frightened shrieks of "The deer! The deer!" while I tried to look +as if I liked it, and strove manfully to keep the brine of +mortification from rolling down my cheeks. + +I didn't let my emotions take the form of words, because I had wit +enough to know that I could not put a better barrier between myself and +a real danger than those husky lads of the leather breeches and white +hats. For all that, I had a yearning to see one of them encounter the +deer at his worst. I did not wish anyone hurt, and was so confident of +their physical ability that I did not think anyone would be; but I felt +that such an incident would strengthen their understanding. + +This thing came to pass, and, of all people, on my arch-enemy, Steve. +If I had had the arrangement of details, I could not have planned it +better. Because of my tender years, the light chores of the ranch fell +to my share. One day everyone was off, leaving me to chink up the +"bull-pen," or men's quarters, with mud, against the cold of +approaching winter. Steve had taken his eldest boy on a trip to pick +out some good wood. + +Presently arrived the boy, hatless, running as fast as he could tear, +the breath whistling in his lungs. "Come _quick_!" was the message. +It seems the deer had followed the couple, and when the boy fooled with +his old playmate, the deer knocked him down and would have hurt him +badly, but that his father instantly jumped into the fray and grabbed +the animal by the horns, with the intention of twisting his head off. +The head was fastened on more firmly than Steve supposed. What he did +not take at all into account was that the buck was both larger and +stronger than he. Though raised on a bottle, Billy was by long odds +the largest deer I ever saw. + +Steve got the surprise of his life. The battle was all against him. +The best he could hope to do was to hold his own until help arrived; so +he sent the boy off hotfoot. Although his power for a short exertion +was great, Steve was in no kind of training, having allowed himself to +fatten up, and being an inordinate user of tobacco. Per contra, the +deer felt freshened and invigorated by exertion. That's the deuce of +it with an animal--_he_ doesn't tire. + +I knew that Steve was in plenty trouble, or he wouldn't have sent for +help. The boy's distress denied the joke I suspected; I grabbed a rope +and made for the grove, the boy trailing me. I should have gotten a +gun, but I didn't think of it. + +Those were the days when I could run; when it was exhilaration to sail +over the prairie. The importance of my position as rescuer--which +anyone who has been a boy will understand--lent springs to my feet. + +It was well for Steve that mine were speedy legs. When I got there his +face was grey and mottled, like an old man's, and his mouth had a weak +droop, very unlike devil-may-care Steve. The two had pawed up the +ground for rods around in the fight; the deer's horns, beneath where +the man gripped them, were wet with the blood of his torn palms. +Steve's knees, arms, and head were trembling as if in an ague fit. He +was all in--physically; but the inner man arose strong above defeat. +"Here's--your--deer--Kid!" he gasped. "I--kept--him--for you!" + +[Illustration: "'Here's--your--deer--Kid,' he gasped"] + +I yelled to him to hold hard for one second, took a running jump, and +landed on Mr. Buck's flank with both feet. It was something of a +shock. Over went deer, man, and boy. I was on my pins in a jiffy, +snapped the noose over the deer's hind legs, tangled him up anyhow in +the rest of the riata, and snubbed him to the nearest tree. Then Steve +got up and walked away to where he could be ill with comfort. And he +was good and sick. + +When he felt better, he arose and opened his knife, swearing that he +would slit that critter's throat from ear to ear; but Steve, junior, +plead so hard for the life of his pet that Big Steve relented, and Mr. +Billy Buck was saved for further mischief. + +That afternoon two of us rode out and roped him, "spreading" him +between us as we dragged him home. He fought every step of the way. +My companion, a hot-headed Montana boy, was for killing him a +half-dozen times. However, feeling that the deer had vindicated me, I +had a pride in him, and kept him from a timely end. We turned him +loose in a corral with a blooded bull-calf, some milch cows, +work-steers, and other tame animals. "And I bet you he has 'em all +chewing the rag inside of twenty-four hours," said my companion. + +That night Steve made ample amend for his former mirth. Indeed, he +praised my fleetness and promptness of action so highly that I was +seized by an access of modesty as unexpected as it was disorganising. + +The next day Steve stood on the roof of the shed at the end of Billy +Buck's corral. Suddenly he straightened up and waved his hat. "Deer +and bull fight!" he called. "Come a-running everybody!" We dropped +our labours and sprinted for the corral, there to sit upon the shed and +watch the combat. Steve didn't know what began the trouble, but when I +got there the young bull was facing the deer, his head down, blowing +the dust in twin clouds before him, hooking the dirt over his back in +regular righting bull fashion, and anon saying, "Bh-ur-ur-ooor!" in an +adolescent basso-profundo, most ridiculously broken by streaks of +soprano. When these shrill notes occurred the little bull rolled his +eyes around, as much as to say "Who did that?" and we, swinging our +legs on the shed roof, laughed gleefully and encouraged him to sail in. + +His opponent watched this performance with a carriage of the head +which, for superciliousness, I never have seen equaled in man, woman, +or beast. His war-cry was a tinny bleat: the cry of a soul bursting +with sardonic merriment. It was like the Falstaffian laughter of the +duck, without its ring of honesty. + +The bull, having gone through the preliminaries of his code, cocked his +tail straight in the air and charged. The buck waited until he was +within three feet; then he shot sideways, and shot back again, his +antlers beating with a drum-stick sound on the bull's ribs. "Baw-aw!" +said the bull. Probably that hurt. Again bull faced buck. This time +the bovine eye wore a look of troubled wonderment, while one could mark +an evil grin beneath the twitching nose of his antagonist; and his +bleat had changed to a tone which recalled the pointing finger and +unwritable "H'nh-ha!" that greets misfortune in childhood. "I told you +so!" it said. The bull, however, is an animal not easily discouraged. +Once more he lowered his foolish head and braved forth like a +locomotive. + +But it would take too long to tell all the things Billy Buck did to +that bull. He simply walked all over him and jabbed and raked and +poked. Away went the bull, his erstwhile proudly erect tail slewed +sideways, in token of struck colours--a sign of surrender disregarded +by his enemy, who thought the giving of signals to cease fighting a +prerogative of his office. Away went the old cows and the work-steers +and the horses, in a thundering circuit of the corral, the horned stock +bawling in terror, and Billy Buck "boosting" every one of them +impartially. We cheered him. + +"Gad! I'm glad I didn't slit his windpipe!" said Steve. "He's a +corker!" + +Billy drove his circus parade around about six times before his proud +soul was satisfied. Then he took the centre of the ring, and bellowed +a chant of victory in a fuller voice than he had given before, while +the other brutes, gathered by the fence, looked at him in stupefaction. + +Only once more did Billy Buck figure in history before he left us for a +larger field in town, and on this occasion, for the first and last time +in his career, he got the worst of it. + +A lone Injun came to the ranch--a very tall, grave man, clad in +comic-picture clothes. A battered high hat surmounted his block of +midnight hair, and a cutaway coat, built for a man much smaller around +the chest, held his torso in bondage. As it was warm on the day he +arrived, he had discarded his trousers--a breech-clout was plenty +leg-gear, he thought. He bore a letter of recommendation from a white +friend. + +"Plenty good letter--_leela ouashtay ota_," said he, as he handed the +missive over. I read it aloud for the benefit of the assembled ranch. +It ran: + +"This is Jimmy-hit-the-bottle, the worst specimen of a bad tribe. He +will steal anything he can lift. If he knew there was such a thing as +a cemetery, he'd walk fifty miles to rob it. Any citizen wishing to do +his country a service will kindly hit him on the head with an axe. + +"JACK FORSYTHE." + + +"Plenty good letter--_ota_!" cried the Injun, his face beaming with +pride. + +[Illustration: "Jimmy-hit-the-bottle"] + +I coughed, and said it was indeed vigorous; Steve and the boys fled the +scene. Now, we knew that Jimmy was a good Injun, or he wouldn't have +had any letter at all; that great, grave face, coupling the seriousness +of childhood and of philosophy, simply offered an irresistible +temptation to the writer of the letter. There was something pathetic +in the way the gigantic savage folded up his treasure and replaced it +in his coat. I think Forsythe would have weakened had he seen it. +Still, after we laughed, we felt all the better disposed toward Jimmy, +so I don't know but it was a good form of introduction after all. +Jimmy was looking for work, a subject of research not general to the +Injun, but by no means so rare as his detractors would make out. He +got it. The job was to clean out Billy Buck's corral. Steve found +employment for the hands close to home for the day, that no one should +miss the result. It is always business first on the ranch, and a +practical joke takes precedence over other labours. Steve hung around +the corral, where he could peek through the chinks. Hoarse whispers +inquiring "Anything up yet?" were for so long answered in the negative, +that it seemed the day had been in vain. At last the welcome shout +rang out, "Injun and deer fight! Everybody run!" We flew, breathless +with anticipatory chuckles. We landed on top of the shed, to witness +an inspiring scene--one long-legged, six-foot-and-a-half Injun, +suitably attired in a plug hat, cutaway coat, breech-clout, and +mocassins, grappling in mortal combat a large and very angry deer. The +arena and the surrounding prairie were dreaming in a flood of mellow +autumn light. It was a day on which the sun scarce cast a shadow, yet +everything sent back his rays clearly, softened and sweetened, like the +answer of an echo. It was a day for great deeds, such as were enacted +before us; steel-strung frame pitted against steel-strung frame; +bottomless endurance against its equal. And never were such jumpings, +such prancings, such wild wavings of legs beheld by human eyes before. +You cannot beat it into people's heads that the horned critters are the +lords of brute creation; yet it is the fact. A bull chased a lion all +around the ring in the arena in Mexico, finally killing him with one +blow. In Italy they shut a buck deer and a tiger in a cage. There was +a brief skirmish, and the tiger slunk to the corner of the cage, +howling. + +Splendid was the exhibition of strength and agility we looked upon, +but, alas! its poetry was ripped up the back by the cutaway coat, the +plug hat, and the unrelated effect of those long, bare red legs +twinkling beneath. + +Indirectly it was the plug hat that ended the battle. At first, if +Jimmy-hit-the-bottle felt any emotion, whether joy, resentment, terror, +or anything man can feel, his face did not show it. One of the +strangest features of the show was that immaculately calm face suddenly +appearing through the dust-clouds, unconscious of storm and stress. At +last, however, a yank of the deer's head--Jimmy had him by the +horns--caused the plug hat to snap off, and the next second the deer's +sharp foot went through it. You will remember Achilles did not get +excited until his helmet touched the dust. Well, from what the cold, +pale light of fact shows of the size and prowess of those ancient +swaggerers, Jimmy-hit-the-bottle could have picked Achilles up by his +vulnerable heel and bumped his brains out against a tree, and this +without strain; so when the pride of his life, his precious plug hat, +was thus maltreated, his rage was vast in proportion. His eyes shot +streaks of black lightning; he twisted the deer's head sideways, and +with a leap landed on his back. Once there, he seized an ear between +his strong teeth and shut down. We rose to our feet and yelled. It +was wonderful, but chaotic. I would defy a moving-picture camera to +resolve that tornado into its elements of deer and Injun. We were +conscious of curious illusions, such as a deer with a dozen heads +growing out of all parts of a body as spherical as this, our earth, and +an Injun with legs that vetoed all laws of gravitation and anatomy. + +Poor Billy Buck! He outdid the wildest of our pitching horses for a +half minute; but the two hundred and odd pounds he had on his back +told--he couldn't hold the gait. Jimmy wrapped those long legs around +him--the deer's tail in one hand, the horn in the other, and the ear +between his teeth--and waited in grim determination. "Me-ah-a-aaaa!" +said the deer, dropping to his knees. + +Jimmy got off him. Billy picked himself up and scampered to the other +end of the corral, shaking his head. + +The Injun straightened himself up, making an effort to draw a veil of +modesty over the pride that shone in his eyes. + +"H-nh!" he said. "Fool deer tackle Tatonka Sutah!" ("Tatonka-Sutah," +or Strong Bull, was the more poetic title of Jimmy-hit-the-bottle among +his own kind.) + +He then gravely punched his plug hat into some kind of shape and +resumed his work. + +We pitched in and bought Jimmy a shiny new plug hat which--which will +lead me far afield if I don't drop the subject. + +Well, he was master of Mr. Billy Buck. When he entered the corral, the +deer stepped rapidly up to the farther corner and stayed there. + +Now came the broadening of Billy's career. A certain man in our +nearest town kept a hotel near the railroad depot. For the benefit of +the passengers who had to stop there a half-hour for meals and +recreation, this man had a sort of menagerie of the animals natural to +the country. There was a bear, a mountain lion, several coyotes, +swifts, antelope, deer, and a big timber wolf, all in a wire +net-enclosed park. + +It so happened that Steve met Mr. D----, the hotel proprietor, on one +of his trips to town, and told him what a splendid deer he had out at +the ranch. Mr. D---- became instantly possessed of a desire to own the +marvel, and a bargain was concluded on the spot. Billy by this time +had shed his horns, and was all that could be wished for in the way of +amiability. We tied his legs together, and shipped him to town in a +waggon. + +Steve did not trick Mr. D----. He told him plainly that the deer was a +dangerous customer, and that to be careful was to retain a whole skin; +but the hotel proprietor, a little, fat, pompous man with a big bass +voice--the kind of a man who could have made the world in three days +and rested from the fourth to the seventh, inclusive, had it been +necessary--thought he knew something of the deer character. "That +beautiful creature, with its mild eyes and humble mien, hurt anyone? +Nonsense!" So he had a fine collar made for Billy, with his name on a +silver plate, and then led him around town at the end of a chain, being +a vain little man, who liked to attract attention by any available +means. All worked well until the next fall. Mr. D---- was lulled into +false security by the docility of his pet, and allowed him the freedom +of the city, regardless of protest. Then came the spectacular end of +Billy's easy life. It occurred on another warm autumn day. The +passengers of the noon train from the East were assembled in the hotel +dining-room, putting away supplies as fast as possible, the train being +late. The room was crowded; the darkey waiters rushing; Mr. D---- +swelling with importance. Billy entered the room unnoticed in the +general hurry. A negro waiter passed him, holding two loaded trays. +Perhaps he brushed against Billy; perhaps Billy didn't even need a +provocation; at any rate, as the waiter started down the room, Billy +smote him from behind, and dinner was served! + +When the two tray-loads of hot coffee, potatoes, soup, chicken, and the +rest of the bill of fare landed all over the nearest table of guests, +there was a commotion. Men leaped to their feet with words that showed +they were no gentlemen, making frantic efforts to wipe away the +scalding liquids trickling over them. The ladies shrieked and were +tearful over the ruin of their pretty gowns. Mr. D----, on the spot +instantly, quieted his guests as best he could on the one hand, and +berated the waiter for a clumsy, club-footed baboon on the other. +Explanation was difficult, if not impossible. Arms flew, hard words +flew; the male guests were not backward in adding their say. Then, +even as I had been before, the coloured man was vindicated. Suddenly +two women and a man sprang on top of the table and yelled for help. +Mr. D---- looked upon them open-mouthed. The three on top of the table +clutched one another, and howled in unison. Mr. D----'s eye fell on +Billy, crest up, war-like in demeanour, and also on a well-dressed man +backing rapidly under the table. + +A flash of understanding illumined Mr. D----. The deer, evidently, +felt a little playful; but it would never do, under the circumstances. +"Come here, sir!" he commanded. Billy only lived to obey such a +command, as I have shown. But this time Mr. D---- recognised a +difference, and went about like a crack yacht. He had intentions of +reaching the door. Billy cut off retreat. Mr. D---- thought of the +well-dressed man, and dived under the table. Those who had stood +uncertain, seeing this line of action taken by one who knew the customs +of the country, promptly imitated him. The passengers of the Eastern +express were ensconced under the tables, with the exception of a +handful who had preferred getting on top of them. + +Outside, three cow punchers, who chanced to be riding by, were +perfectly astonished by the noises that came from that hotel. They +dismounted and investigated. When they saw the feet projecting from +beneath the cloths, and the groups in statuesque poses above, they +concluded not to interfere, although strongly urged by the victims. +"You are cowards!" cried the man with the two women. The punchers +joyfully acquiesced, and said, "Sick 'em, boy!" to the deer. + +Meanwhile, the express and the United States mail were waiting. The +conductor, watch in hand, strode up and down the platform. + +"What do you suppose they're doing over there?" he asked his brakeman. + +The brakeman shrugged his shoulders. "Ask them punchers," he replied. + +The conductor lifted his voice. "What's the matter?" he called. + +"Oh, come and see! Come and see!" said the punchers. "It's too good +to tell.'" + +The conductor shut his watch with a snap. + +"Five minutes late," he said. "Pete, go and hustle them people over +here. I start in three minutes by the watch." + +"Sure," said Pete, and slouched across. Pete was surprised at the +sight that met his gaze, but orders were orders. He walked up and +kicked Billy, at the same time shouting "All aboard for the West! Git +a wiggle on yer!" + +The man owed his life to the fact that the deer could get no foothold +on the slippery hardwood floor. As it was, Billy tried to push, and +his feet shot out; man and deer came to the floor together, the +brakeman holding hard. The passengers boiled out of the hotel like a +mountain torrent. The punchers, thinking the brakeman in danger, +sprang through the window and tied the deer. Pete gasped his thanks +and hustled out. No one was left but Billy, the punchers, the darkey +waiters, and Mr. D----. + +[Illustration: The punchers to the rescue] + +"This your deer?" inquired the punchers of the latter. + +"It is," said Mr. D----. "Take him out and hang him--don't shoot +him--hang him!" + +"All right," replied the punchers. They took Billy out and turned him +loose in the deer-pen. + +"Reckon the old man'll feel better about it to-morrow," they said. + +And it came to pass that the old man did feel better; so Billy was +spared. Perhaps if you have travelled to the West you have seen him--a +noble representative of his kind. Well, this is his private history +which his looks belie. + + + + +The Demon in the Canon + + + "_I know not where the truth may be; + I tell the tale as 'twas told to me._" + (Probable misquotation of old couplet.) + + +There was once an earnest missionary who went to the trouble of +learning the Sioux language, in order to be of more use in his chosen +field. He spoke it with a strong Boston accent. One day he laboured +with a big Uncapapa brave long and eagerly. The Injun listened to all +he had to say. When at great length silence fell, the Redman spoke. + +"Have you any tobacco?" said he. + +"Why, no!" returned the missionary. + +"Hungh! So long!" said the Injun, and rode away on a trot. + +Now, there may be those who will object that the plain, unvarnished +tale of my friend "Hy" Smith, which follows, is lacking in the robust +qualities that truth alone can bring; to them I recommend the attitude +of the Injun. But I must add this: Heaven forbid that I should have to +stand good for any of Hy's stories! Still, some of what I considered +his most outrageous lies afterward received strong and unexpected +confirmation. For instance, the manner in which he earned his +sobriquet of "Hydraulic" Smith I thought was pure fable, but no less a +man than his former employer said that it was fact in every essential. +Smith got his front name while working in a big hydraulic camp in +Idaho. He was nozzleman. One day in an unusually merry mood he turned +the monitor loose on a crowd of Chinamen who were working over tailings. + +[Illustration: "Hy" Smith] + +"And if ever you saw felt shoes and pigtails flying in the air 'twas +then," said Hy. "It looked for all the world like Old Faithful had +spouted in a poll-parrot cage. I don't know why I done it, no more +than the man in the moon--it was one of them idees that takes hold of +you, and gets put through before you can more'n realise you're thinking +of it--but it was the greatest success of its kind I ever see. We had +a two-hundred-foot head of water and a six-inch stream, and I might say +that there was a yaller haze of Chinamen in the atmosphere for the next +ten seconds. I piped one Charley-boy right over the top of a +tool-shed. Well, our boss was a mighty kind-hearted man, and when that +crowd of spitting, foaming, gargling, gobbling Chinamen went to him, +and begun to pour out their troubles like several packs of +fire-crackers going off to oncet, waving all the arms and legs I hadn't +knocked out of commission, he was het up considerable. He never waited +to hear my side of the story, but just rolled up his pants and waded +into me up to the hocks; he read me my pedigree from Adam's wife's +sister down to now, and there wasn't a respectable person in it, +according to him. + +"I didn't like it, and I made a swipe for him with a shovel, but he was +too soople for me, and of all the lickings I ever got, that is the one +I don't want to remember the most: he did a sort of double-shuffle +fandango on my back, while he brought my legs into the argument with a +sluice rake. + +"When he asked me if I had had enough, I told him I thought it would do +for the present, because, as a matter of fact, if all I had more than +enough was money in the bank, I wouldn't have done no more work for the +rest of my days. + +"So then he calls me up and gives me my time, and I must say he treated +me square when he said good-bye. + +"'You're the best darn man on a monitor lever that I ever did see,' +says he, 'but anywheres else you're the foolest combine of small boy +and dare-devil, and some other queer thing that I don't seem to be able +to find a name for, that ever cumbered this earth. Now, get the ---- +out of this, and good luck to you.' + +"I didn't feel a bit sorry for them Chinamen--they're only hairless +monkeys that don't even know enough to wear their tails in the right +place. Their arithmetic proves that. It's regular monkey figgering. +They haven't any numbers that look like numbers at all. Suppose you +want to multipy twenty-five by thirty-six, Chinee system? First you +put down a rooster's foot-track; that's twenty-five. Underneath that +goes the ground-plan of a small house; that's thirty-six. Then you +take an hour off, and work out the sum with a lot of little balls on +wires; then you put down the answer, and what do you think it is? Why, +it's a map of Chicago after the fire! Shucks! And they call +themselves men. I'd go old Job three boils to his one rather than have +any Chinks around me. + +"Well, the boys labelled me Hydraulic Smith from that on, and I went +prospecting. Took up with a feller named Agamemnon G. Jones. Aggy was +a big, fine-looking man, with a chest like a dry-goods box, and a set +of whiskers that would start him in business anywhere. They were the +upstandingest, noblest, straightforwardest outfit of whiskers I most +ever saw, and how they come to grow on Ag is a mystery; but they stood +him in many a dollar, now, I tell you that! + +"He was a man of pretty considerable education, in some ways, and he +could make you believe that to-day was last Thursday a week ago, if you +weren't on to him. At this time he was kind of under a cloud like +myself, and the way it come about was this: + +"He started an assay office when he first struck the gulch, and he used +to bring in results according to the looks of the customer. If the man +looked tender around the feet, Aggy'd knock it to him, and probably the +shave-tail would be so pleased that he would fork out an extra ten; but +if he was plainly vented as one of the boys, there would be just enough +pay in the return to encourage him. Now, Jones did everything +shipshape and in style. Here's the paper that made him trouble." + +Hy fished a slip out of the bundle in his old pocket-book and handed it +to me. + + + AGAMEMNON G. JONES, _Assayer_, + Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis. + + _Sample left by Mr. Idaho Kid_ _No. 36,943_. + + Value per ton. + Gold ...................................... $362.13 + Silver .................................... 186.90 + Platinum .................................. 14.77 + Lead ...................................... 2.06 + Iridium ................................... .02 + Osmium .................................... .00003+ + Copper .................................... 18.54 + + 10:36 A.M. 3/16/81 + + Signed, AGAMEMNON G. JONES, _Assayer_. + + +"Now, that was the worst that Aggy had ever sprung on anybody, because +this Idaho Kid looked as if he hadn't been three weeks away from his +mother; instead of which he was a hootin', tootin' son-of-a-gun in +reality, and you might say he'd cut his teeth on a miner's candlestick. + +"When the Kid saw that miraculous result, his eyes bunged out; then he +took a long breath and wrecked the place. Aggy left at one that +morning for fear that worse might follow. He fetched this paper with +him to remind him that 'genius has its limitations,' he said. But he +didn't seem to learn anything by it. Next he took up engineering. He +hit a blame good job on Castle Creek. The people wanted to turn the +creek through a tunnel, so that they could work the bed, and at this +point it was rather an easy business. The stream made a 'U' about +three-quarters of a mile long, the bottom prong being at least a +hundred and fifty feet below the water-level on the top one--a smashing +good fall--so Aggy started in on the down side to bore the hole up. +Well, everything went lovely. He'd come around with his plans and +specifications twice a day, and draw his hundred once a week regular +for his great labours. At last, however, the shift-boss said they must +be getting pretty near water; he could hear it roar through the face of +the tunnel, he said. But Aggy told him not to be alarmed; he had it +all worked out, and they weren't within forty foot of breaking through." + +[Illustration: He'd come around with his plans and specifications twice +a day] + +"So at it they went again, as cheerful as could be, and the next news +they got, down comes the face, and they were being piped through four +hundred foot of black-dark tunnel, trying to guess what was up, bumping +and banging against the walls, and the whole of Castle Creek on top of +them. My, Chinamen weren't a circumstance. Aggy said they boiled out +of the lower end of the tunnel where he was standing so fast he +couldn't recognise them, and, as a matter of fact, three or four of 'em +were washed a mile down creek before they could make land. Aggy +gathered that it was time to move again, so he pulled back for Idaho. +There wasn't anybody really drowned, except old Tom Olley, a +cousin-Jack whose only amusement in life was to wear out his pants +laying low for cinches in the stud-poker game, and you couldn't rightly +say he was any loss to the community. So Aggy used to regret sometimes +that he hadn't stayed to face the music. They might have played horse +with him for a while, but 'twould soon have blown over--miners not +being revengeful by nature--and he was to have had an eighth interest, +besides his salary, if the thing was a success. + +"But there was no good of crying over spilt milk, and us two went +prospecting. + +"We located for a permanent stand down on Frenchman's Creek, near where +three of Cap' Ally's greaser sheep herders had their camp. They did +our hunting for us, and as there was nobody but them around, and they +were the peacefullest people in the world, we didn't feel the need of +any gun except Ag's old six-shooter. That was the cussedest machine +that ever got invented by man. When you pulled her off she'd spit fire +in all directions, filling the crotch of your hand with powder burns, +and sometimes two or three of the loads would go off at once, when +she'd kick like a Texas steer. There was much talk of bear around, and +we were always going to buy a real gun, some day, but we never got at +it. + +"Well, we prospered pretty well, considering how little we worked. A +large part of the time was taken up with playing monte with the +herders, and still more in arguing questions about religion and things +like that; but we had a decent cabin built--with the kind assistance of +the herders--and as we struck a rich little streak that run out ten +dollars per man a day with no trouble at all, we were in clover. + +"At last our stock of grub ran low, and Jones slid up to Salmon City to +load up again. It was quite a trip, and as I didn't think it was +square to work while Aggy was away, I took up with the herders. They +were the decentest folks I ever struck. Play a little music on the +guitar, sing songs that always wound up just where a white man's songs +would begin, and tell stories and smoke cigarettes--that was the layout +for them. Old Cap' Allys was a Christian, and he wouldn't let a man +herd sheep all by himself--surest way to get crazy that ever was +invented--so he sent the boys out three in a bunch. + +"Those fellers had the darndest lot of fairy tales I ever did hear. +And superstitious! Great Jupiter! Any little blame thing that +happened meant something: this thing was good luck; that meant bad, and +if you tried to josh them out of it, they'd shake their heads and look +at you as if they thought you weren't truly religious. One of their +yarns was about El Diablo de Fuego, 'The Devil of Fire,' which Miguel +said ran in his family. Seems that when anything wrong was about to +happen, this blazing, ripping monster showed up as a warning. I told +Mee that I thought the monster was misfortune enough, without anything +else, but he was scandalised. + +"'Psst!' says he. 'Do not spik sooch t'eeng as dthat! Ay, di mi! +Je-Maria-mi Cristo! Jésu, muy dolce y poquito! Dhat mek heem +arrrrrrive dthat eenstant, eef djoo spik weez dees-rrreespeck!' + +"'All right, Mee,' says I. 'We'll let her go at that--todo el mismo +por mi, sabe? But how's the bear crop?' + +"'Ay, cara! Is plenty goddam ba-are!' says Pepe. 'Keel three--four +ship las' nigh'! That mek that two mus' seet oop for watch, an' alll +ship mus' be in close-corrrrallll! I speet on the soul of that ba-are!' + +"Gad! that wasn't cheerful news a little bit. If there's anything in +this world I more than don't like, it's a bear--he's so darn big and +strong and unreasonable, and unless you catch him sitting, you can pump +lead into him until you're black in the face, and it's all one to him. +Well, I thought I might as well camp with the herders until Aggy came +back. + +"When he did show up he was rather under the influence of strong drink, +and from the looks of the waggon he'd brought with him, I should say +he'd bought about everything that was movable in Salmon City. I ain't +easily astonished, but I must admit that some of the truck got the best +of me. I kept asking, 'What in ---- is this, Ag?' and he always +answered, 'Ask the driver.' Well, now, if there was any choice between +the two, the driver was drunker than Aggy, so you can imagine what a +lot of satisfaction I got. There was one thing that I simply couldn't +make head nor tail of, and I stayed with him until I got an answer on +that. + +"'Why, it's an alcohol cooking-stove,' said he, 'great medicine--no +trouble to cook now at all. Just light her,' says he, waving his hand, +'and whoop! away she goes! Where's that can of alcohol? Here she is! +Have a drink, Hy?' + +"I took a small swig of it in a little water to please him, but there +weren't stimmilants enough in the country to raise my spirits that +night. I put all the plunder that I could lift up in the cock-loft, +and the rest I left sitting around. + +"I don't exactly know where you fellers are going to sleep,' says I, +trying to be sourcastic. 'Pity you didn't order a folding-bed, Ag.' + +"'I did,' says he. + +"'A folding-bed?' I repeats, not believing my ears. + +"'And a piano,' says he. 'What is home without a piano? Answer: It's +a place that can't hold the forte--dam good joke--keno--go up to the +head, Jones.' + +"'Well,' says I, after some other things, 'who's going to pay for all +this?' + +"'God knows!' says he, waving his hand again. 'Good-night!' and with +that he fell down between a new bureau and a patent portable +blacksmith's forge, and putting his head on a concertina, went sound +asleep. + +"I couldn't follow suit for some time; it's one thing to come home full +of budge and animal spirits yourself, and it's quite different to have +your pardner work it on you. At last, however, I concluded it would be +all the same the next century, and turned in, but I was so rattled that +I forgot the bears, and didn't lock up with the usual care. + +"It must have been about two in the morning when I woke all in a +tremble. I had the feeling that things were away off, but I couldn't +place what was the matter, until I looked at the square of moonlight on +the floor that came through the window, and I was near to screech like +a tomcat, for there was a monstrous black shadow bobbing back and forth +in the patch of light. I drew on my bank for all the sand I had and +raised my eyes. My heart fairly knocked my ribs loose. Nicely framed +in the window was the head of a grizzly, and I'll take my oath it +wasn't over a size smaller than a beer-barrel! + +"'Now,' thinks I, 'if I can only get that gun before he sees me, and if +the cussed thing will only do the right thing by me this once!' + +"So out I steps, and the first rattle out of the box I stumbled on a +few dozen of the purchases Ag had brought home, and down them and me +came like an earthquake. It scart the bear so he drew back; no use +trying to work a sneak now. I jumped for the holster, unlimbered, and +turned the gun loose for general results. I guess every load went off, +from the noise, and she flew out of my hand and vanished behind me. +The place was full of smoke and the plunder that was scattered around; +you could neither see nor walk, and that bear was swatting the door in +a fashion that showed he was going to give us a call any old how, and I +was plumb distracted--for the life of me I didn't know what to do. + +"'Don't make such a damn noise!' growls Aggy. + +"'You'd better get out of that!' I yells. 'You'll get noise enough in +a minute!' But he didn't pay the least attention. + +"Just before the door went down I broke for the cock-loft; it was the +only spot that seemed to hold the teeniest bit of safety. I clim up +the wall like a hopper-grass, but I had no more than made it when my +friend was in the house. 'Twas me he wanted to see, too, apparently; +for he never noted anything else, but headed straight for the loft. I +had kind of hoped the other two would amuse him for a while, but it +wasn't to be. With the door down, the moonlight streamed in so it was +'most as light as day. + +"'Keep your big feet off me!' says Ag, very indignant, as the bear +walked on him. It's a great thing not to know who you're talking to +sometimes. + +"Well, brother bear upends himself, and reaches for the loft. He could +just nicely hook his front toe-nails on the board, and when I saw that, +I would have sold myself out hide and hair and good-will of the +business extremely reasonable. 'Here's where my esteemed friend +Hydraulic Smith gets piped out,' I thought, and I tried to meet my +finish like a man, but there was something about winding up as filler +for a dirty, smelly bear wrapper that took all the poetry out of the +situation. + +"I saw that Aggy had got on to the state of affairs at last; he was +crawling backward very cautious, and he had a look of pained surprise +on his face that beat anything I'd ever seen on the phiz of man or +beast before. For all I was so scart that I was sweating icicles, I +couldn't help but snicker. Howsomever, at that moment brother bear +threw his weight on the board, and she snapped like a toothpick, and my +merry smile took a walk. I was in a desperate fix! He had only to +keep on pulling down boards to the last one, and then, of course, I'd +come down with it. Something had to be done. I grabbed a sack of +flour and heaved it at him; the sack caught on a splinter and ripped, +so beyond covering him with powder it had no particular result. He +_did_ stop and taste the flour; he had lots of time! There wasn't any +good in that. But as I reached around for another weapon my hand +struck the can of alcohol, and right then I had a genuine three-X +inspiration. I pulled the plug from the can and poured the spirits +down. The bear howled murder as the stuff ran into his eyes, and +plunking himself on his hunkies, he began to paw and scrape it out. +There was my chance! I fumbled through all my pockets as fast as my +hand could travel--no matches! Then cussing and praying like a +steam-engine, I tried it again; found a handful in the first pocket; +dropped most of 'em, being so nervous, but scratched what was left and +chucked 'em on Mr. Bear. + +"Great Moses in the bulrushes! Events began on that instant. I've +seen a cyclone, and an earthquake, and a cloudburst, and an Injun +outbreak, and a Democratic convention, but roll 'em into one and that +bear would give 'em cards, spades, big and little casino, a stuffed +deck, and the tally-board too, and then beat 'em without looking at his +hand. + +"I simply can't begin to tell you all the different kinds of pure, +unadulterated hell he raised with the stock of curiosities Aggy had +bought in town. And the looks of him! White with flour half-way, +spouting flames and smoke, and apparently three times as big as he was +when he started! He was something before the people now, I tell you! +And the burning hair smelt scandalous, and the way he ripped and roared +made the ground tremble. + +"When he finally broke through the door, I was so interested that I +forgot to be afraid, and hopped down to watch him go, and then I saw +the last act of the tragedy. + +"Miguel heard the shot, and knowing we were in trouble, he started up +the trail on his old buckskin, fairly burning the earth. + +"He rounded a little clump of trees, and came plump on my bear, +roaring, foaming, blazing, smoking, ripping, and flying! Well, sir, +you can believe me or not, but I want to tell you that that cayuse of +Mee's jumped right out from under him, and was half-way up Wilkin's +Hill before the Mexican touched the ground. He was headed due west, +and he must have reached the coast the next day, the gait he was +travelling. Anyhow, he vanished from the sight of man forever, as far +as we know. + +"Mee sat froze just as he had landed, scart so there wasn't no more +expression on his face, and the bear hopped right over the top of his +head. Then I reckon Mee thought his family friend had come for him, +for he jumped ten foot in the air, and when he touched ground he was in +full motion. It's only fair to say that Miguel could run when he put +his mind to it. 'El Infierno esta suelto!' he yells. 'Santiago! +Santiago! Ten quidado conmigo! Madre mia! Salvame! Salvame pronto!' +Lord, I can see him now, scuttling over the fair face of the Territory +of Idaho in the bright moonlight like a little bird--chest out; hands +up; head back; black hair snapping in the breeze; long legs waving like +the spokes of a flywheel, and yelling for Santiago to keep an eye on +him, and for his mother to save him quick, as long as he was in sight. +And when he passed, he passed out. He took a different direction from +his horse, so it ain't likely they met, but neither one of 'em was seen +no more around our part of the country." + +[Illustration: Miguel could run when he put his mind to it.] + +"Still, by and by there floated back to us a story of how a greaser had +been chased by a horrible white devil that stood twenty foot high, with +teeth a foot long, horns, hoofs, claws, and a spiked tail; which +travelled at a rate of speed that made a streak of lightning seem like +a way-freight, scattering red fire and brimstone as it ran; which +chased said greaser forty mile over hill and dale and gulch and +mountain top and Bad-Land district, after polishing off his horse in +one bite, and finally sank into the ground with a report like a ton of +giant powder. + +"And I've often wondered what really become of that bear." + + + + +The Little Bear who Grew + +I was standing at the door of the office one afternoon in August. The +office was on Main Street,--a thoroughfare fronting railroad tracks and +a long strip of fenced grass, dotted with newly planted trees, called +the "park,"--in a North Dakota town. It was hot. I mean, hot. Down +that long thin street the shadows of false-fronted stores lay like blue +slag on molten iron. Nothing moved: this particular metropolis-to-be +of the Northwest was given over to heat and silence. Yet it wasn't +muggy, sea-coast heat that turns bone and muscle into jelly--it was a +passion of sun-power, light and heat together. + +Just to be on a horse out in it over the prairie swells was to taste +the flavour of adventure. But no such thing for me. I had to take +care of the office. A thermometer inside that office marked one +hundred and fourteen degrees. Had it been inside of me it would have +marked three hundred and fourteen degrees. + +I shall not tell the series of injustices that obliged me to stay in +that hencoop, while the rest of the force went gleefully up the line to +attend a ball game. I didn't count for much, while the decision in +regard to the one who stayed rested in the hands of Fate. It was the +manager's own pack of cards I cut. I can recall the look of +sophisticated astonishment those rascals wore at my persistent bad +luck. I found out afterwards that every mother's son of them had +bought his ticket the day before. They had faith in that pack of +cards. Most of the town had gone with them; this accounted for the +deserted village effect. Several days before this I sat up all night +reading H. Rider Haggard's "She." The desire to figure in remarkable +events had not yet worn off, but a more unlikely theatre of adventure +than that Main Street could not be conceived. I looked up and down the +length of it. Hark! What sound is that? 'T is the rattle of wheels, +and the "plunkety-plunk" of a farm-horse's trot. Around the corner +comes an ancient Studebaker waggon drawn by an old horse, and in it two +small boys are seated on a bushel basket--hardly a crisis. I fell to +envying the small boys, for all that. They could go and come as they +pleased; they were their own masters, free to do as they liked in the +world. + +As if to show that this was, indeed, the fact, in the broadest meaning +of the words, the two urchins suddenly leaped high in the air, uttering +shrieks; they landed on the ground and scuttled across the park as fast +as legs could carry them. Absolutely no reason for this performance +appeared to the eye. The horse stopped, turning his mild gaze after +them, then swung his head until he saw me, at whom he gazed with that +expression of complete bewilderment always so comical in an equine +face. "Account for that, if you can," he said, as plainly as the +printed words could do it. Finding no solution in me, he shook his +head and blew his nose. He was a kind old horse, always willing to +oblige, but to plan an independent campaign was beyond him, so he stood +just where he was, probably saying, "Great is Allah!" to himself in the +Houyhnhnm tongue, waiting for what was going to happen to get about it. +The plot increased in thickness, for the bushel basket began a +mysterious journey toward the back of the waggon, impelled by an unseen +power. It was a curious thing to see in broad daylight. I felt quite +a prickle down my spine as I watched it. Arriving at the end, over it +went, disclosing the secret. From out of that basket came a small +bear. I swallowed an ejaculation and looked at him. He, entirely +unabashed, returned my gaze--a funny little ruffian! On the end of his +spinal column he teetered, all four feet in the air, the cock of his +head irresistibly suggesting the tilt of a gamin's cap. His tongue +hung waggishly out of his mouth, and a sort of loose, dissipated, +tough, cynical humour pervaded his person, from the squint of his +little eyes to the absurd post of his hind legs. There was less of the +immature bear about him than of the miniature bear. I suppose a young +wild animal is like a street Arab, in that he receives his worldly +knowledge with his milk. + +He had on a collar and chain, whereby I recognised he was someone's +property. To clear this part of history, the two small boys had been +hired to take him to Mr. D----'s menagerie, when, after a struggle, he +had been ensconced beneath the bushel basket. They were not the happy +youths I had taken them for, these boys,--how often we envy the lot of +others unwisely!--for they were obliged to sit on the basket in order +to retain their captive, dreading all the time what a moment's +carelessness brought to pass, an attack from beneath. When one +incautious foot ventured too near the basket, Mr. Bear promptly clawed +and chewed it; hence the shrieks, and the flight. + +Well, not wishing this piece of live stock to escape, I walked toward +him, affecting the unconcern necessary in approaching an animal. He +did not retreat; he swayed on his spine and regarded me jeeringly. I +grabbed the chain and pulled. Instantly, he nailed me by the leg. He +had nothing but milk teeth, or I should have been much the worse for +the encounter. As it was, he pinched like a vise with his strong +little jaws, and I had all I wanted to pry him loose. I tried to hold +him at arm's length, but he turned inside of his baggy overcoat and bit +and clawed until I gave that up. I then whirled him at the end of the +chain. He flew through the air with spread legs until the chain +snapped, when he landed many yards away. He was up and off as soon as +he stopped rolling, and I after him. The boy who was running the +clothing store several vacant lots from the office came to his door at +that moment, and, feeling that a bear hunt was more to his taste than +twiddling his thumbs in an empty store, he came along, too, and the +flour office and the clothing store were left in the hands of +Providence--fortunately there were no thieves in old-time Dakota. + +In front was young Mr. Bear, boring a hole in the wind, and behind him +two boys, coming strong, but not in his class for speed. Our quarry +gained one block in three. We just rounded a barn in time to see him +jump into a wood shed behind a real estate office. + +I knew a cat with kittens lived in that wood shed, and strained myself +to reach there before the fun was over. However, there was ample time. +The code of the animal duel is as formal and long-winded as anything +the mind of man has devised. Probably everyone has seen two young +cockerels, standing with their bills together, apparently lost in a +Buddhistic reverie, suddenly broken by violence. They are only an +illustration. All animals have their ceremonial of battle, when it is +for the fun of fighting, pure and simple, with the dinner question +eliminated. + +The weird war song of Mrs. Cat, pealing out from the cracks of the wood +shed, assured us we would be repaid for our trouble, but the tone +indicated that the fell moment had not arrived. We peered through a +chink. The cat was in a corner, her family around her. Her eyes +roamed all over the wood shed, merely taking the bear in _en passant_. +She seemed unconscious of the awful noise which ripped the air. + +The bear, for his part, was unaware of the proximity of a yowling cat. +He never so much as glanced in her direction, having found a very +diverting chunk of coal, which he batted about the floor. A singular +thing was that, when the coal moved it always moved nearer the cat. + +The cat prepared for trouble, after the manner of her kind, and the +bear prepared to cause it, after the manner of his kind. Occasionally, +when a blood-curdling screech from his antagonist rang upon his +eardrums, the cub would stop a moment and gaze pensively through and +beyond the end of the wood shed, as if, indeed, from far off, a certain +sound, made filmy and infinitesimal by distance, had reached him. Then +he would smile deprecatingly to himself, as if to say, "How easily I am +deceived!" + +Excellent as was the feigned indifference of Mr. Bear, it must be borne +in mind that he was opposed to an animal of parts. Our friend, the +cat, was not a whit taken in by the comedy. When the time came for her +to leap she was ready, to the last hair of her chimney-cleaner tail. +She had been making most elaborate preparations all the while, +stretching and retracting her claws, squirming her whalebone body +flatter and flatter, her tail assuming majestic proportions, while her +ears disappeared in inverse ratio. + +Nearer and nearer came the chunk of coal and the slouching little bear, +a touch of caution in each pretended careless action. Awful and more +awful grew Grimalkin's battle plaint--her eyes blazed demoniacally. + +By some subtle assurance, we humans were made aware that, on the floor +of the wood shed, an imaginary deadline had been drawn by Mrs. Cat, +and, when Ursus Minor advanced so much as the length of a claw beyond +that in his orbit, an incident would mark his career. You may believe +me or not, but the little bear understood not only this much, but he +also knew where that line lay. Fully a minute he tantalised us by +coquetting with it. He would advance recklessly, and we would say to +ourselves, "Now!" when, lo! he would turn at the fatal point, to lie on +his side and amuse himself by clawing at the chunk of coal. + +Suddenly he boldly stepped across. An instant of numbing silence fell. +A swish! A cat on a small bear's back. A scene impossible! A hairy +tornado, rolling, twisting, flopping, yelling, screeching, roaring, and +howling, tore, bit, scratched, clawed, and walloped all over the place. +An epileptic nebula; a maelstrom that revolved in every way known to +man at the same instant; a prodigy of tooth and claw. If that fight +were magnified a hundred times, a glimpse of it would kill; as it was, +myself and the clothing store boy clung weakly to the wall and wept. + +The cat's tough hide easily turned the bear's claws, and his teeth were +too tiny to work mischief; while his thick, shaggy coat made pussy's +keener weapons ineffectual. As a consequence, the storm raged with +unbridled ferocity, the motion of the foemen being so swift none could +tell who was getting the better of it. There was energy in that small +action and a bitterness of sound altogether indescribable, the mews of +the astounded kittens quavering shrilly and loudly through the general +frenzy. + +At length, in spite of his antagonist's agility, the bear managed to +get his "holt," and puss, wrapped in his strong arms, was practically +whipped; not without protest--she was a "last-ditch" warrior. The bear +settled back as grim and stolid as General Grant might have done, while +the chivalry of the wood shed applied her hind claws to his waistcoat. +However, the bear could do a little in this line himself. The effect +was that each tried unsuccessfully to walk up the other. + +The "strangle hold" began to tell. Never shall I forget the +desperation in that cat's face as it appeared between the squeezing +arms of the bear. Their attitude had such a resemblance to the +"Huguenot Lovers" I have not been able since to look at that celebrated +picture with proper countenance. + +At this point, my companion and I came to the rescue. Finding all +attempts at separating them by hand resulted in the usual wages of the +peacemaker, we grabbed the chain and hauled the war to the pump. The +pump was only a short distance way, yet it took us several minutes to +make the trip, as every time we turned and gazed at them, their rigid +adherence to their relative positions, no matter what condition as a +whole this mode of locomotion caused them to assume, and the leering, +bourgeois complacency of the victorious bear, contrasting with the +patrician despair of the vanquished, caused such a weakness to come +over us that we had to sit upon the ground for a while. + +Water is the universal solvent. About half a minute under the pump +formed the solution of this problem. A wet and skinny-looking cat, her +elegance departed, streaked back to the wood shed and her offspring, +while a sober and bedraggled little bear trotted behind his captors to +Mr. D----'s menagerie. + +This was my introduction to this bear. We called him "Cat-thumper," +after the Indian fashion of christening a child from some marked +exploit or incident in his career. This became contracted to +"Thumper," an appropriate title, for, with the fat pickings of the +restaurant, his bearship grew with a rapidity that made it a puzzle how +his hide contained him. + +Under these genial conditions Thumper developed humour. It became +possible for one to romp with him, and in the play he was careful not +to use his strength. So exemplary became his conduct that his owner, a +man who never could learn from experience, or even from Billy Buck, +decided to take him on Main Street. Mr. D----'s novelties were a +standing menace to the security of the town and his own person as well. +The amount of vanity that fat little man possessed would have supplied +a theatrical company. One of his first acts, on entering a town, was +to purchase the fiercest white hat, and the most aboriginal buck-skin +suit to be obtained, and then don them. Almost the next act on the +part of his fellow-townsmen was to hire a large and ferocious looking +"cow-puncher" to recognise in Mr. D---- an ancient enemy, and make a +vicious attack upon him with blank cartridges and much pomp and +circumstance. Still it had no permanent effect on Mr. D----. Badinage +could not wither him nor cussing stale his infinite variety. With all +his exasperating traits, he had an impassable child-like faith in his +doings and a soothing influence that made one smile when one wanted to +cry. + +The passage up street was made with no happening worthy of note except, +of course, that other travellers gave him a wide berth (to Mr. D----'s +extreme gratification) until they came to the butcher shop. Here +Thumper's first move was to steal a fine tenderloin from the block, and +swallow it whole. + +"Ye're!" yelled the proprietor, an ex-Indian scout, "whatcher doin' +there? Take that critter out of here!" + +"I'm willing to pay for the meat," replied Mr. D----, with dignity. + +"That's all right, too," retorted the proprietor, "but I promised it to +Mr. Smith, and it's the only one I've got. How are you going to square +that? What do you mean by toting a brute like that around, anyhow?" he +wound up with increasing choler. + +"I cannot see but what I have a perfect right to take with me any +animal or animals I choose!" said Mr. D----. + +"Not into this shop, by Jingo!" said the proprietor, reaching under the +counter. "Now you sneak him out of here, quick, or I'll shoot him." + +"Very well," said Mr. D----, bowing, but red, "very well. Come, +Thumper!" + +Thumper was in no mind to move. He liked the situation. Mr. D---- +pulled on the chain, and Thumper overlooked it. A small crowd gathered +in front of the door and encouraged Mr. D---- by calling, "Pull hard, +the man says!" "Now, altogether, yee-hoooo!" and similar remarks. I +have always felt that a bear enjoys a joke. In this case I am sure of +it. Showing no bad temper, he simply refused to budge, and, by this +time, when he had made up his mind, the decision was final, as far as +any one man was concerned. Mr. D----'s temper went by the board; it +was an embarrassing situation. "Come out of that!" he cried, with a +sharp jerk at the chain. + +The look of irritation vanished from the proprietor's face. "Why don't +some of you fellers help the gentleman out with his bear?" he asked. +Thereupon the spectators took a hand and Thumper was dragged into the +street. Evidently he thought this one of the usual frolics to which we +boys had accustomed him; for, once upon the sidewalk, he began to +prance and gambol in the graceful fashion of his kind. It so happened +that the nurse-girl of the mayor of the town, a huge Swede woman as +broad as she was long (which is almost hyperbole), came trundling her +charge up the board walk at the precise moment that Thumper bowled over +a gentleman in front and came plainly to her view. + +One Norwegian war-whoop and away she galloped, the perambulator before +her, as it was not in the mind of the Vikingess to desert her duty. +Screeching, she tore up the walk, the carriage bouncing and rattling, +and the baby crowing with delight. An Indian stepped out of a store +directly in front of her. Him Telka rammed with such fury that he +landed on his neck in the road, with his feet in the air. But, as he +regained his balance, resentment was drowned in unbounded amazement. +"Wakstashoneee!" he said, "wakstashoneeeee!" which is the limit in the +Sioux tongue. Never had the Dakota warrior expected to see the day +when he would be made to bite the earth by a Swede woman and a baby +carriage. Around the corner for home whirled Telka, making the turn +like a circus horse. Arriving at the house, she placed one fairy foot +against the door with such spirit that the lock-socket hit the opposite +wall, picked up carriage and baby and went upstairs with them three +rises to a leap. At the top she burst into a wild oratory of "tanks" +and "Eenyens" and "beejjeerens" and "yoomps," scaring her mistress into +the belief that the Sioux had attacked the town in force--an event she +had long anticipated. + +Thumper was led back to his pole in the park, and fastened with an +ox-chain, this step being taken at the request of an informal committee +of citizens. "Chained bear or dead bear" was their ultimatum, for, +while they enjoyed Telka's performance, they didn't propose to make it +a custom to obtain their fun from frightened women. So Thumper's +freedom of the city lasted but a day. To make amends for this, we boys +used to go in and tussle with him more often than before. The play was +the bright spot in the life of the captive. He would begin his double +shuffle of joy whenever a group of boys made their appearance. At +first, this went well enough. As I have said, the bear's nature +revealed its better side, under the benign influence of plenty to eat, +and I cannot remember that he once took advantage of his vast and +growing strength. Mr. D---- encouraged the performances, as the +menagerie's purpose was to attract the attention of travellers who had +a half-hour's wait at the station, and thus to spread the fame of his +railroad eating-house. But misfortune came, through the applause of +the passengers. Several young men of the town embraced the opportunity +to show off. One of these, a brawny young six-foot Irishman named Jim, +used to punch old Thumper pretty roughly, when he had a large audience. +Jim was neither a bad-hearted nor cruel fellow; he simply had a body +too large for his disposition. In the phrase of the West, he was +"staggering with strength," and in Thumper he found a chance to work +off his superfluous nervous energy--also to occupy the centre of our +local stage for the brief time of train-stop. If it is love that makes +the world go round, certainly vanity first put it into motion. "All is +vanity," said the Preacher. From the devoted astronomer's austere +lifework to the twinkle of a fairy's glittering tinsel; from the +glories of the first man up the battle-swept hill to the infamous +assassin, all is vanity. Such a universal attribute must necessarily +be good, except in abnormal growth. Jim showed his overdevelopment of +the faculty, while the abused Thumper modestly sat still and grew. And +still he grew, and still he grew--with a quiet energy that made the +fact that he had passed from a large bear to a very large bear go by +unnoticed. + +Several times, when Jim was showing more skill than Thumper, the memory +of a mauled cat came to my mind. The ursine look shot at Jim now and +then recalled it. I even went to the length of remonstrating, but it +was without effect. It was on a Sunday morning that Nemesis attended +to Jim's case. Circumstances were propitious. An excursion train, +crowded with passengers, pulled up at the station. Jim had a new suit +of black broadcloth, due to a temporary aberration of our local Solomon +who ran the clothing store. Because of this victory, Jim was in an +extraordinarily expansive mood as he swaggered down the platform. + +"I guess I'll try a fall out of the bear," he announced to his +companions, in a tone that informed all of his intention. Gaily he +swung his long legs over the fence and advanced upon Thumper, who, by a +strange coincidence, was poised on the end of his spine, with his feet +in the air and his tongue lolling humorously out of his mouth, as when +I first made his acquaintance. The bear noted the approach from the +corner of his eye, stretched out his paws, examined them critically, +seemed satisfied with the inspection, shook himself thoroughly, and +resigned affairs to Fate. + +Jim, stimulated by the remarks of the passengers and their eager +interest in his doings, marched up to Thumper, struck a sparring +attitude, and shuffled around, making sundry little passes and jabs +which the bear ignored. + +"Punch him!" cried a voice in the crowd. Jim lunged; the bear ducked, +lazily, but effectually, and the crowd laughed. Jim drove right and +left at his antagonist; the bear parried, ducked, and got away, until +the crowd shrieked with merriment and the Irishman was furious. He +lived to punch that bear, and, at length, he succeeded--square on the +end of Thumper's snout. The bear sneezed, dropped his head, and stared +fixedly at Jim. + +"Run!" I yelled--alack! too late. Up rose Thumper to a paralysing +height, higher still went his trusty paw, and down it came, with a +swinging, sidewise blow on the Irishman's neck. + +I will maintain, by oath, affirmation, or combat, that Mr. Jim made six +complete revolutions, like a button on a barn door, before he struck +mother earth with the dullest of thuds. + +Ten to one that the town was out one Irishman would have seemed a good +business proposition, and, to clinch the assurance, the bear began to +walk on Jim. While the bear kneaded him like a batch of dough, some of +us woke and rushed to the scene of action. + +I do not remember clearly how we got out of it. Some pulled at the +bear's chain, and some grabbed Jim by whatever offered a hold. At +length James was rescued, alive and weeping, though three-quarters of +the new suit, including the most useful portion of the nether garments, +remained in Bruin's paws as the spoils of victory. The crowd on the +platform was charmed. This was precisely the thing it had travelled +miles to see. + +Poor Jim! He was a spectacle. Tears, scratches, and dust robbed his +face of all humanity; the scant remnants of the Sunday suit fluttered +in the breeze; his shaking knees barely supported him. We gave him a +stimulant, a blanket, and some good advice. Mr. D----, for once in his +life on the right side of the question, was especially forward in +furnishing the last necessity. So passed Jim from the field of his +glories, and, barring some scratches, bruises, and a stiff neck (not to +mention the Sunday suit, as that loss really fell upon Solomon), he was +as well as ever inside of a few days. The only lasting result of the +encounter for him was that, when the small boy of the town thirsted for +excitement, there would arise a cry of "Hey, Jim! bin down ter pet cher +bear?" and then . . . + +When the train departed, and the crowd had disappeared, I went down and +looked at Thumper. He seemed unchanged. I offered him a cracker; he +stretched out the back of his paw, having learned that people shrank +from the sight of his five-inch claws, in acceptance. This gobbled, he +eyed me, as he leaned back against his pole, like an absurd fat man. +Humour shone on the outside of him, but I fancied that, deep in his +eyes, I could see a dull red glow, Indian style. "Now," said I to +myself, "from the pangs of Jim I shall extract a moral lesson. +Whenever I feel like showing off at somebody's expense, let me use +caution not to select a grizzly bear." + +What Thumper thought no man can tell. + + + + +In the Absence of Rules + +We had a pig when we was down on the little Chantay Seeche. The Doctor +begged him off a rancher, to eat up the scraps around camp. A neat +person was the Doctor and a durned good cook. + +We called him the Doctor because he wore specs--that's as good a claim +as many has to the title. His idee was that when the pig got fat he +would sell him for lots of money, but long before Foxey Bill (which was +piggy) had reached the market stage money couldn't buy him. He was a +great pig. My notion of hogs, previous to my acquaintance with him, +was that they were dirty, stupid critters, without any respectable +feelings. Perhaps it's because animals get man-like, when you +associate with 'em a great deal, or perhaps Foxey Bill was an unusual +proposition; but, anyhow, he was the funniest, smartest brute I ever +see, and we thought a slew of him. + +Clean was no name for his personal appearance. Every Sunday the Doctor +took a scrub-brush and piggy down to the creek and combined 'em with +the kind assistance of a cake of soap. Then Foxey just shone white as +ivory, and he'd trot around in front of us, gruntin' to attract our +attention, till everybody'd said, "What a beautiful, clean pig--ain't +he just right?" Then he'd grunt his thanks to the company and retire +behind the shack for a nap. We used to fair kill ourselves laughing at +that darned pig. He had the most wheedlin' squeal, so soft and +pleadin'; and he'd look up at you with them skim-milk eyes of his so +pitiful, when he wanted a chunk of sugar, that you couldn't refuse him. + +[Illustration: "Clean was no name for his personal appearance."] + +And knowing! Honest, he knew more'n some men. One day old Wind River +was tellin' some things (that _might_ have happened to him) in his +usual way, bein' most careful to get the dates and all dead right, you +know--"Now, _was_ his name Peter, after all? Comes to my mind it was +Willyam--Willyam Perkins--Well--But, anyhow, him and me, we saw that +Injun," and so forth. This was a Sunday, and the gang of us sittin' in +a circle, fixing leathers and one thing and another and misstatin' +history faster than a horse could trot, with Foxey Bill in the middle, +cocking his head from one speaker to another, takin' it all in. + +At last Wind River wound up the most startlin' and unlikely collections +of facts he'd favoured us with for some time. Up gets Foxey with a +shriek and gallops around the house. Any man with the rudiments of +intelligence would know he was hollerin': "Well, that's just too much +for me; ta-ra-rum!" + +[Illustration: "Up gets Foxy with a shriek and gallops around the +house"] + +Wind River looked scart. "Say!" says he. "Say! Thet hawg knows I'm +er-lyin' jes' 's well 's I do!" After that old Windy used to talk to +the pig as though they'd been raised together. + +[Illustration: "Old Windy used to talk to the pig as though they'd been +raised together"] + +Foxey Bill made one miscalculation. He thought he was a small pet, +like a cat. This didn't jibe with the five hundred pounds of meat he +toted. And, like a cat, one of his principal amusements was to have +his back scratched. If you didn't pay attention to him, when he +squealed so pretty for you to please curry him with a board, he'd hump +up his back, like a cat, and rub against your legs. You instantly +landed on your scalp-lock and waved the aforesaid legs in the air. Of +course, when the other fellers saw this comin', they didn't feel it +restin' on their conscience to call your attention to it--in fact, we +sometimes busied one another talkin' to give Foxey a fair field. So +Foxey had things his own way around the diggin's for some time. + +[Illustration: "He'd hump up his back . . . and rub against your legs"] + +Then comes bow-legged Hastings, our boss, with a ram tied hard and fast +in the bottom of the waggon. He explains to us that the ram is +valuable, but that he's butted merry Halifax out of everything down to +home, and he don't want to shut him up, so will we please take care of +him? And we said No--Wanitchee heap--we guessed not--never. + +Then Hastings got mad and talked to us, flyin' his hands. Such a +disobligin', stubborn, sour outfit he never saw, he said. What was the +use of his bein' boss, when we just laid awake nights thinkin' up +disagreeable things to do to him? Was there ever a time that he'd +asked us to do this or that, that every man in reach didn't r'ar up and +jump down his throat? He said he'd rather be a nigger rooster on a +condemned government steamboat than bear the title of boss of such a +rag-chewin' hide-bound set of mules; kick, kick, kick--nothin' but +kick, and life wasn't worth livin'. + +So then he went behind the shack and pouted. Well, we liked Hastings, +and this made us feel bad--that's the way he worked us. + +The Doctor, he fried up a dish of all-sorts in his happiest manner and +took it around in a cheerful voice. No. Didn't want food. Heart was +broke. So then we all went and apologised and agreed to keep the ram. +Then Hastings recovered, and we had that cussed sheep on our hands and +feet and all over us. + +[Illustration: "No. Didn't want food. Heart was broke."] + +Well, it was like the devil enterin' a happy home. As for Foxey, he +just took one long look at the brute, curlin' and uncurlin' his little +tail; then "Hungh!" says he, and blinked his eyes shut, walkin' away +from there. I've seen times when I'd liked to been able to use the +English of that grunt, to thoroughly acquaint some gentleman of how +little I thought of him, but I ain't got the gift of speech. It was an +awful call-down--but the sheep, he didn't care. If there was such a +thing as a foolish Sheeny, that's what a sheep would remind me of. + +[Illustration: "'Hungh!' says he, and blinked his eyes shut"] + +But the rest of us run into practical and applied trouble in its +various branches. There's one night, the Doctor starts for the cabin +with a mess of flap-jacks in his hands, and the sheep comes up and +pushes him in the pistol pocket so that the Doctor goes sailing into +the drink with a stack of brown checks hoverin' all around him. + +[Illustration: "The Doctor goes sailing into the drink"] + +Then Wind River shows his one tooth and rocks on his heels, hollerin' +and laughin', and the sheep rises up and smites him on the hip and +thigh so he flew after the Doctor like a grey-whiskered sky-rocket, +with a ha-ha! cut in two in the middle. "Woosh!" says old Windy as he +comes up. "Hi, there cooky! I'll beat you ashore!" He was a +handy-witted old Orahanna, that Windy, and you didn't put the kybosh on +him easy. So it went with all of us. That ram come out of +no-where-at-all another night and patted me on the stummick so I pretty +near fainted. I tried to twist his cussed head off his shoulders, but +he'd knocked the wind out of me so it was like fightin' an army in a +nightmare. I was glad when the boys come out and pried me loose. Oh, +oh! How we hated that woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep! + +[Illustration: "A ha ha! cut in two in the middle"] + +"Well," says Windy, "I'm layin' fur th' day he snaggles himself up with +Foxey Bill. You're goin' to see a nice quiet sheep after that happens." + +[Illustration: "That woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep"] + +The rest of us had lots of faith in Billy, but we couldn't see where he +stood a show to win. + +"Shucks!" says Steve. "The sheep'll knock the bacon out of him. The +Lord knows I don't want to see it, but that's what's got to happen. +Poor Bill ain't onto his style of fightin' at all. You know how pigs +make war--standin' side by side, tryin' to hook each other in the +flank, gruntin' and circlin' around with little quick steps--how's that +goin' to apply to this son-of-a-gun that hits you a welt like a +domestic cannon and then chases himself off to the sky-line for another +try?" + +[Illustration: "Chases himself off to the sky-line for another try"] + +"Well," cuts in the Doctor. "I ain't a-sayin' _how_--but Bill _does_ +him, all the same--bet your life." + +"You talk feeble minded," says Steve. "Nobody'd more like to believe +you than me, but the points ain't on the cards. It'll be just like +that Braddock's campaign agin the Injuns. There goes the Britishers +(that's Bill) amblin' gaily through the woods, dressed up in red and +marchin' arm to arm, for fear some careless Injun would miss 'em, and +there's the Injuns (that's that durned ram) off in the woods jumpin' up +and down with pleasure and surprise. 'Oh, Jimmy!' hollers the Injun to +his little boy. 'Run get grandpa, Towser, mama, and the +baby--everybody's goin' to pick one of these and take it home--no Injun +so poor but what he's entitled to at least one Englishman.'" + +"That's all right," says Windy. "But where's your Injun now?" + +"Well," says Steve, flabbergasted, "that's kind of true, too; he has +vanished some." + +"I bet you money," says the Doctor, "that Bill does him." + +"I hate to rob the poor in mind," says Steve. "And yet I'd like to +lose that bet--make it a month's wages?" + +"I'm for standin' by my friend," says the Doctor. "I'll bet you up to +the first of January." + +"Got you," says Steve. "You know where you can borrow chewin', anyhow. +Any other gentleman want part of this?" + +Steve had money he'd drew out of his poker game up-town, so the rest of +us stood not to live high until after January first, if Foxey Bill +didn't lick that sheep. We didn't believe he would, but he carried our +money. + +Well, sir, it was a tough time waitin' for the combat to come off. +Bill simply despised the sheep. Couldn't stand near to him. The only +time he'd stay by the house was when the sheep was off somewheres. +And, of course, it was strictly against the rules for any person to +aid, abet, or help either warrior, or interfere in any way, shape, or +manner. + +I was two mile out from camp one day, when I heard "Ke-bang, ke-bang, +ke-bang-ety, bang-bang-bang-bang!" The Doctor was losin' off all the +guns in the shack to once. I hollered to Steve, him to Windy, and then +we flew for home, leavin' the calves to their own responsibilities for +a while. + +The other boys was on hand when we arrived, their faces shinin' with +excitement, and yellin' to us for the love of Moses to shake a leg +before it was too late. + +Poor Billy was pickin' himself up, after rollin' over three times, and +the durned ram was prancin' away, wigglin' his tail like little boys +does their fingers, with a thumb to the nose. + +[Illustration: "The durned ram was prancin' away"] + +The Doctor explained to us, whilst we was waitin' for the next jar. +"There's Bill," says he, "eatin' his meal out of his half-a-barrel as +quiet and decent a citizen as you'll find anywheres. That's his grub +and he don't like grass. Well, what must that quar'lsome hunk of horns +and mutton do, but try to shove him away from there. Mind you, that +ram does like grass, and he's got several hundred thousand square mile +of it to lunch on--but no, sir! What he must have is a hunk of bread +out of Billy's barrel. Now, Billy's no hog--he lets him have the piece +of bread--then the ram wants the hull barrel; hoops, staves, and all. +That's too hootin' goldarn many for anybody to stand, by ninety-nine +per cent., so Bill slams him one. The ram walks off and fetches him a +swat like hittin' a side of beef with a fourteen-foot board. Poor old +Bill rolls three yards. Then he takes after the brute, but the ram +runs away as usual. Billy thinks the fight is over and goes on with +his eatin'. You're just in time to see the end of the second round. +Bill's _goin'_ to lick him, but cuss me if I see _how_. He can't get +_at_ that blaatin', skippin' mess of wickedness. He don't understand +at all. If the sheep would give him one fair hack, he'd show +him--Look! Oh, Lordy! There he goes again! _Damn_ that sheep!" + +It was an awful sight for Billy's friends to witness. I'll never tell +you how many times he went rollin' down the hill, only to come back as +game and useless as a rooster fightin' his reflection in a lookin' +glass. He'd chase after the sheep, gruntin' fierce, but pshaw! the +critter'd simply trot right away from him, wigglin' that insultin' tail +in his face. Old Billy's tail was coiled as tight as a watch-spring +with rage. + +"He'll _do_ him," says the Doctor. "He sure _will_! Now you wait!" + +"I am waitin'," says Steve, at the end of the twentieth round. +"Waitin' and waitin'. The only play that I see Billy makin' is for the +sheep to break his neck buntin' him. You hand me that rifle. I'll now +bet the crowd there's a dead sheep here in five seconds by the watch. +I can't stand this." + +But we wouldn't let him cut in. Fair play is fair play. + +"Boys," says Wind River soft, "Bill has laid his ropes--I see it in his +eye!" + +"G'wan!" says Steve. "You see it in your own eye!" + +"Well, you watch," says Windy. "Bill and me has been pretty well +acquainted ever since that day he called me a liar--look at him now!" + +Sure enough. Bill was nosin' his barrel away from the house. I +couldn't see the point exactly, but took it on faith. + +He was knocked galley-west and crooked three times before he moved the +thing a rod, but whatever he had in his mind, he calmly went on with it +as soon as he got up. + +[Illustration: "He was knocked galley-west"] + +"Oh, thunder!" says the Doctor. "See him now! Billy, you're an old +fool! You'll get butted plumb into the crik, next pass!" For Bill had +pushed the barrel to within five foot of the edge of the creek. And +when he heard the Doctor talk, I'll take my oath, that pig looked up +and smiled. + +[Illustration: "That pig looked up and smiled"] + +"He's got him now!" says Wind River. "He's got him now, for all my +next year's salary! I see it in his face!" + +And Windy was so dead sure he impressed the rest of us. So there's +silence, whilst old Foxey Bill is chewin' away in the barrel, and the +ram is comin' over the grass--t-r-rmt, t-r-rrmt--as hard as he can +paste her, head down and eyes shut. Bill, he doesn't see anything +either, until there ain't more'n three foot of air between 'em, and +then he jumps aside! + +"Swoosh!" goes the ram into the water, and Billy straightens out his +little curly tail and waves it in the air like a flag. And holler! I +wisht you could have heard that pig! Nothing could been more human. +"I've got the deady-deady on you, you hook-nosed, slab-sided, second +cousin of a government mule!" says he. "Oh! I've got you where I want +you and the way I want you, and it's up to you to convert yourself into +cash at the earliest opportunity, for you won't be worth much in the +market when I'm tired of my fun!" This he says as he gallops to the +other side, to head the sheep off, his mild blue eye on fire. I tell +you it's dangerous to rouse up a fat person with a mild blue eye. + +[Illustration: "And holler! I wisht you could have heard that pig"] + +A sheep don't swim much better than a mowin' machine, and this feller +got desperate--he was for the shore, no matter what broke. And Bill +ripped the wool out of him for fair as he tried to scramble up. + +"Our fight, Steve!" says the Doctor. "I _knew_ he'd do him all the +time! You throw up the sponge and we'll yank the critter out!" + +"Let him drown," says Steve. "I don't like him, hide nor hair--and, +besides, think what he's cost me." + +But that wouldn't do. Hastings would have looked so mournful, +happiness couldn't get along in the same territory with him. So out +comes Mr. Ram. Done. Everlastingly done. All in and the cover +screwed down. We pointed our fingers at him and did a war-dance around +him, sayin': "Agh--hagh! You will, will you? Now, don't you wish +you'd been good!" He hadn't a word to say. And that good old Billy, +he comes up and rubs Wind River's legs out from under him just as +natural as ever, not set up or swell-headed a bit, like the gentleman +he was. + +[Illustration: "Done. Everlastingly done"] + +The ram eat his grass and minded his own business from that time on. + + + + +For Sale, the Golden Queen + +This is the story of the great Golden Queen deal, as Hy Smith told it, +after recovering his sanity: + +Aggy and me were snug up against it. One undeserved misfortune after +another had come along and swatted us, till it looked as though we'd +have to work for a living. But we plugged along at the Golden Queen, +taking out about thirty cents a day--coarse, gold, fortunately--and at +last we had 'bout an ounce and a half. Then says Aggy: + +"We could sell this mine, Hy, if we only put our profits in the right +place." + +"Yes," says I. "This is a likely outfit around here to stick a +gravel-bank on, ain't it? Good old Alder Gulch people, and folks from +down Arizony way, and the like of that! Suppose you tried it on Uncle +Peters, for instance--d'ye know what he'd say? Well, this 'ud be about +the size of it: 'Unh, unh! Oh, man! Oh, dear me! That ain't no way +to salt a mine, Ag! No, no! You'd oughter done this, and that--that's +the way we used to do in Californy--nice weather, ain't it? No, +thanks--I don't care to buy no placer mines--lots of country left yet +for the taking up of it--it's a mighty good mine, I admit--you'd better +keep it.' That's what he'd say." + +Ag combed his whiskers with his fingers. "I don't think we could close +out to Uncle Peters," says he. + +"And if you tried some of the rest of 'em, they'd walk on your frame +for insulting their intelligence. Perhaps you was thinking of inviting +Pioche Bill Williams up to take a look at the ground?" + +"Well, no," says Aggy, slowly. "I don't think I'd care to irritate +Bill--he's mighty careless with firearms." + +"I should remark. I ain't a cautious man myself in some ways, and I've +met a stack of fellers that was real liberal in their idees, but for a +man that takes no kind of interest in what comes afterward, give me +Pioche Bill. Oh, no, Aggy, we don't sell any placer mines in these +parts." + +"I tell you what," says Ag. "Let's go up to town. Stands to reason +there must be a mut or two up there--somebody just dying to go out and +haul wealth out of the soil." + +"We're a good advertisement for the business. We look horrible +prosperous, don't we?" says I. + +The main deck of Ag's pants was made of a flour sack. I had a pretty +decent pair, but my coat was one-half horse blanket and the other half +odds and ends. Ag had a long-tailed coat he used to wear when he was +doing civil engineering jobs. + +"We could fix one man out fairly well," says he. + +"Yes; and the other would look like the losing side of a scarecrow +revolution." + +"Wait a minute," says he, "I'm thinking." So he sat and twisted his +whiskers and whistled through his teeth. + +"I've got it!" says he. "The whole business right down to the dot! +Darned if it ain't the best scheme I ever lit on! Here's what happened +to us: We're two honest prospectors that have been gophering around +this country for years, never touching a colour, grub running low, +and--well, there ain't any use bothering with that part now. I can +think it up when the time comes. Here's the cream of the plant. We've +had such a darn hard time of it that when at last, under the +extraordinary circumstances which I have recounted before, we light on +the almost undiluted gold of the Golden Queen, your mind is so weakened +that you can't stand the strain of prosperity. You're haunted with +delusions that you're still a poor man, and I can't keep any decent +clothes on you--fast as I buy 'em you tear 'em up. Now I'm willing to +sell the Golden Queen for the merely nominal sum of--what shall we +strike 'em for? Five hundred? For five hundred dollars, then, so I +can get out of this country to some place where my poor pardner will +receive good medical treatment." + +"And I'm the goat?" says I. "Well, I expected that. But do you expect +anybody's going to swallow that guff? It's good. Ag, it would do fine +in a newspaper, but can you find a man to trade five hundred hard iron +dollars for it?" + +Aggy drew himself up mighty proud. "I'll tell you what I've done in my +day," says he, "I've made an intelligent man believe that the first +story I told him wasn't so. Can you beat it?" + +"I know you, Ag," says I. Then we had to slide down and see if we +could get a small loan off Uncle Peters, for we didn't have enough dust +to finance salting our sand-bank and pay for a trip to town, too. Ag +would have it that we must do our turn for the old man. "It'll amuse +him," says he, "and he's more likely to come forward." Truth of the +matter was, when Aggy got one of his fine idees, he had to let the +neighbourhood in. + +Well, sir, Uncle Peters was that pleased he forked over a cartridgeful +without weighing it. My play was to look melancholy, and tear a slit +in my clothes once in a while. I had to just make believe that part +when we was rehearsing for the old man, as there wasn't enough material +to be extravagant with. + +So up to town we goes, and if you ever see a picture of hard luck on +two feet, it was me. + +"I'm going to strike for a gambling joint," says Ag. "You take a +tin-horn gam, and he knows everything, and that's just the kind of man +I'm looking for." + +So when we hit town, Ag sails into the Palace Dance Emporium, where +they had the games running in the middle of the place between the lunch +counter and the bar. He had nerve, had Agamemnon G. Jones. + +"Hy," says he, "you'll have to watch the play a little. Mebbe you'd +ought to change some, just as it happens. I'll have to do my lying +according to the way the circumstances fall, so keep your eye peeled, +and whatever you do, do it from the bottom of your heart. I can fix it +so long as you don't queer me by shacking along too easy." + +So saying he fixes the new necktie he'd bought down at the corner, +tilts the new hat a little, and braces ahead. He could look more +dressed up on 20 cents' worth of new clothes than some men could with a +whole store behind 'em. + +When we got into the place the folks gazed at us. Aggy was leading me +by the hand. + +"There," says he, very gentle. "Now sit down, and I'll tell you a +story by and by." + +I tore a hole in the coat, and mumbled to myself, and sat down +according to directions. + +Then Aggy walks up to where the stud-poker game was blooming. + +"Gentlemen," says he, making them a bow, "I trust it won't +inconvenience you any to have my poor unfortunate pardner in your midst +for awhile? I can't desert him, and I do like to play a little cards +now and then." + +"What's the matter with him?" asks the dealer. + +Ag taps his head. + +"Violent?" asks the dealer. + +Now, Ag didn't know just how he wanted to have it, so he didn't commit +himself to nothing. + +"Oh, I can always handle him," says he. + +"Well, come right in," says the dealer. "They're only a dollar a +stack." + +"Well," says Ag, "I'll just invest in $10 worth to pass away the +time--you take dust, don't you?" + +"I used to say I wouldn't take anybody's dust," says the dealer, being +funny with such a good customer, "but since I've struck this country +I've found I've gotter." + +Ag pulls out the old buckskin sack, that would hold enough to support +quite a family through the winter. It was stuffed with gravel stones. + +"Oh, here!" says he, whilst he was fumbling with the strings. "No use +to open that--I've got another package--what you might call small +change." Then he digs up Uncle Peters' cartridge shell. + +I want to tell you I had my own troubles keeping my face together while +Ag was doing his work. You never see any such good-natured, +old-fashioned patriarch as he was. When they beat him out of a hand +he'd laugh fit to kill himself. + +"You're welcome, boys!" he'd say. "There's plenty more of it." + +At the same time, you wouldn't live high on all you could make out of +Aggy on a stud-poker game. He was playing 'em right down to cases, yet +the way he talked, he seemed like the most liberal cuss that ever threw +good money away. Of course, they had to ask him about his pardner and +the rest of it whilst the cards were being shuffled, and a few +inquiring remarks drew the whole sad story out of Ag. + +"It's mighty tough," says he; "Hy's a fine-looking feller, when he's +dressed decent; but the sight of new clothes on himself makes him +furious; he foams and rips till he's tore them to gun-wadding." + +"Where did you say this here claim of yours was?" asks the dealer. + +"Up on Silver Creek--just below Murphy's butte," answers Ag politely. + +Then that dealer put in a lot of foxy questions making poor, innocent, +unsuspecting Aggy give himself dead away. He told how there wasn't +time to look for a buyer that would pay the proper price and he +wouldn't know where to look anyhow, so he'd have to take the first man +that offered, even if he didn't get no more than five hundred for the +claim. + +The dealer breathed hard and fairly shuffled the spots off the cards. + +"Now," says he, "I sympathise with you--I understand just how you feel +about your pardner. I'm the same kind of man myself, that way. If I +had a pardner in difficulties, I wouldn't mind what I lost on it so +long's I could fix him up." + +Here's where I nearly choked to death, for if any man could get the +price of a meal off that tinhorn, without sitting on his chest and +feeding him the end of a six-shooter, his face was one of the meanest +tricks a deserving man ever had sprung on him. + +"So if I was you," continued the dealer, "I'd get him out of this +country quick, and as for your claim, why, I don't mind if I held you +out on that myself," says he. "I don't want no mines; I wouldn't +bother with it, only I see you're a good, kind-hearted man, and it's my +motto that such people ought to be encouraged. Now, what do you say if +we start for a look at the territory this afternoon? Nothing like +doing things up while you are at it." Aggy kind of scratched his head +as if this hurry surprised him. "I didn't just think of letting it go +so sudden," said he. "You know I'm kind of attached to the place." + +"That's all foolishness," says the dealer. "Your poor pardner there +wants attention--you can see that--and I don't believe you're the sort +of man to let him go on suffering when there ain't no need of it." + +"No," says Aggy, thoughtfully, "that's so." + +"And would you mind," says the dealer, his hand fairly trembling to get +hold of it, "just letting me have a squint at that gunny-sack full of +dust you have in your clothes?" I didn't require any hint from Ag that +it was my place to be violent. With one loud holler I landed on my ear +on the floor and kicked the poker table on top of the dealer. More'n a +half-dozen men hopped on to me, and we had it for fair all over the +place. I gave 'em the worth of their time before they got me in the +corner. + +"Whew!" says Aggy, wiping his brow, "this is the worst attack he's had +yet." + +"Just what I was telling you," says the dealer, very confidential and +earnest. "You want to get him away from here quick--I've had some +experience in those kinds of cases, and when I see your friend's face, +I knew you wanted to get a move on." + +"It's dreadful, ain't it?" says Ag. "I believe you're in the right +about it--but, say, I feel that I'd ought to pay for the lamp he +busted." + +"Not at all," says the dealer, as generous as could be. "Not at all! +That's an accident might have happened to any gentleman. Now, I'll +just take a friend along, and we'll sail right out to your place. Can +you drive there?" + +"Oh, yes!" said Aggy. "The roads ain't anything extra, but you can +make it all right." + +So away goes the four of us that afternoon. Ag and me, we felt leary +of the fourth man at first. He let on to be considerable of a miner, +but after a bit we sized him up. + +"Did you ever," says Aggy whilst they was talking this and that about +mines, "did you ever run your pay dirt through a ground-sluice rocker +that was fitted up with double amalgam plates, top and bottom, and had +the apron sewed on to a puddle board that slanted up, instead of down?" + +"Why, sure!" says that feller, judging from Aggy's tone of voice that +this was the proper thing to do. "We didn't use to handle our dirt no +other way out in Uckle-Chuckle county." + +"Is that so?" cries Aggy, very much surprised. "Well, do you know that +very few people do?" + +"It makes me tired," answers the man in a knowing way, "to think of the +way some folks mines. Now that you've called my attention to it, I +don't recollect that I've heard of anybody using a ground-sluice rocker +the way you speak of, since I left old Uckle-Chuckle county." And here +I got a little violent again, because I can't conceal my feelings as +well as Ag. I had to have several attacks on the way out when Ag was +brought to close quarters, but we did pretty well on the trip. + +"Well, gentlemen, there's the Golden Queen!" says Aggy when we turned +the bend in the creek. "Seems funny that such an uninteresting-looking +heap of rocks and stuff as that should be a gold mine, don't it?" + +He sees by their faces that they was a little disappointed and that +he'd better get in his crack first. Then the question come up of how +we was to get them fellers to dig where we wanted 'em to without +letting 'em see we wanted 'em to. But, Ag, he was able for it. + +"Gentlemen," says he, "just stick your pick in anywhere's--one place is +just as good as another. [That was the gospel truth.] But if you don't +know just where to start suppose we try an old miner's trick, that Mr. +Johnson there, I make no doubt, has done a hundred times." + +Johnson, he smiled hearty. "Yes, yes! That old game!" says he. "I'd +nearly forgot all about it--let's see--how is it you do it?" + +"First you throw up a rock," says Ag. + +"Oh, now I remember! Sure!" says Johnson. "You throw up a rock----" +He stopped, smiling feeble and uncertain, waiting to hear the rest of +it. + +"Suppose we let Mr. Daggett [that was the tinhorn] do the throwing?" +says Aggy. "He's a new chum, and we fellers always feel they have the +luck. You may think this is all foolish superstition," says he, +turning to the gambler, "but I tell you, honest, there's a good deal in +it," and that was the second true thing Ag said that day. + +Daggett, he threw up the rock. + +"Now, go and stand over it," says Ag. Daggett's goes over according, +but he ain't pointed in the right direction. + +"Now, you turn around three times." + +But after he done it we weren't no better oft than before, for the +chump landed just as he had started. + +Ag surveyed the ground. + +"Now, you walk backward three steps, then four to the left, then back +five more--ain't that it?" turning to Johnson. + +"That's it!" says Johnson, slapping his leg. "That's her! The same +old game! Lord! how it all comes back to a feller!" + +"And just where you land, you dig," finishes Ag, handing Daggett's pick. + +Daggett sinks the pick to the eye the first crack. + +"Gosh!" says he. "Seems kind of soft here!" + +"Is that so?" cried Aggy, highly excited. "Then you've struck gold for +sure!" Having put it there himself he felt reasonably certain about it. + +Well, they scraped up the bedrock, and Aggy offered to let Johnson pan +it, but Johnson said he'd had to quit mining because his hands got so +sore swinging a pan, so Daggett he kind of scrambled the dirt out after +a fashion, and there at the bottom was our ounce and a half of gold! +Well, I want to tell you there was some movement around there. We +weren't in the same fix of a friend of mine who loaded a pan for a +tenderfoot with four solid ounces, and when he slid the water around on +that nice little yeller new moon in the corner of the pan, "Humph!" +says the tenderfoot, "don't you get any more gold than that out of so +much dirt?" + +Four ounces to the pan only means about a hundred thousand dollars a +day income. + +"Gooramighty!" says my friend, plumb disgusted. "I'd have had to +borrow all the dust there is on the creek to satisfy you--did you think +it was all gold?" + +It broke my heart to see the way that man Daggett washed the fine gold +into the creek, but he was familiar enough with handling the dust to +know that an ounce was good money, even if it did look small. He +turned pale, and begun to dig for dear life. There was no prying him +loose. Well, that's a point Aggy hadn't counted on. He managed to +slide over near me. + +"For heaven's sake, Hy!" he whispers, "fly down to Uncle Peters' and +get some more dust or we're ruined! I'll put it in the pan somehow, if +you'll only get it here! Hold the old man up if you have to--but get +that dust!" + +I begun to holler very melancholy, and prance around. By and by I +pulled my freight loose and careless down creek. + +"Say!" says Johnson, "there goes your friend, Mr. Jones! Shall I ketch +him?" + +"Oh, no," says Aggy. "Let him alone--he's used to it around +here--he'll be back right away again." + +When I got out of sight I humped for Uncle Peters. + +"Sure!" says the old man, when I told him our troubles. "Take the +whole blasted clean-up, Hy. We honest men has got to stand by each and +one another--don't let that rascally tinhorn escape." + +So I grabbed Uncle Peters' hard-earned savings and hustled back again. + +As soon as I got in good view of the outfit, I knew something was +wrong, by the look of Ag's face; but what it was got me, for there was +both them fellers in the hole now, digging dirt like all possessed. +Daggett had busted his supenders, and the other lad's coat was ripped +up the back; but they didn't care; they were mauling the fair face of +nature like genuine lunatics, and cussing and swearing in their hurry. + +"Well, what's the matter with Ag?" thinks I. "Them fellers ain't got +on yet, that's certain," but he looked as if he'd swallowed a stroke of +lightning the wrong way. Never see a man--particular a man with Aggy's +nerve--look so much like two cents on the dollar. I didn't have to be +cautious in my approach; our friends were too busy to notice me. + +"What the devil's loose, Ag?" says I. + +"Oh, nothing!" says he. "Nothing much! They're taking it out by the +hatful, that's all. Look!" + +I looked, and sure enough! There was the pan with a small-sized +shovelful of yaller-boys in it--pieces that would weigh up to $10 some +of them. I couldn't believe my eyes. + +"Where'd they get it?" says I. + +"Out of the claim," says Aggy. + +I nearly fell dead. "Out of the claim!" I yelled in a whisper. "Go +on! Your whiskers are growing in!" + +"Straight goods," says Ag, "and I had to stand here and see them do it! +The Golden Queen is all my fancy painted her. The second pass that +ice-pick-faced mut made he brought up a chunk as big as a biscuit. 'Is +that gold?' says he. 'Oh, yes!' says I. 'That's gold!' The truth +come out of me before I thought--it knocked me to see that chunk. +First time I ever made such a break--well--well. Why didn't it occur +to me to try the taste of that piece of ground before I put in my +flavouring? I was so d--d sure there wasn't $13 worth of metal in the +whole twenty acres! Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! To sprinkle a pocket that's +near half gold with a little old pinch of dust, is one of them +ridiculous and extravagant excesses my friend Shakespeare mentions! If +there was a lily around here, I'd paint it, so's to go the whole hog." + +"What in the name of all the Mormon gods are we going to do?" says I. + +"Leave me think," he answers. And again he pulls his whiskers and +whistles through his teeth. + +There came a horrible yell from the hole. Daggett held up what seemed +like a yaller potato. "Hooray!" says he. "Ain't that a humming bird?" + +"You want to think quick," says I. "I feel something like murder +rising in my veins." + +"By gosh!" says Ag, snapping his fingers. "I've got her! Come to, you +son-of-a-gun. Come to!" + +"How's that?" I asked, not just tumbling exactly. + +"Come to!" says Ag. "Regain your scattered intelligence! How in +blazes can I sell, then, without your consent?" + +"Right you are! I'm off!" says I. And with that I cut loose. + +"Help!" howls Aggy; "help!" + +The two fellers were too busy to want to stop, but after I sent a brace +of rocks in their direction, they concluded it might be as well to +quiet me first. Lord! How I did carry on! I gave Ag the wink and +pulled for the creek, and it was not long before, with Aggy's help, in +we all three went, kersock. + +They pulled me out and laid me on the bank, insensible. + +"He's dead, I reckon," says Daggett. + +"No," says Aggy, "I can feel his pulse beat, but it does seem to me +there's a different look in his face somehow." + +Then I opened my eyes. + +"Why, Agamemnon," says I, "what am I doing here?" + +"Hush!" says he, "you ain't been well." + +"Dear me! You don't say!" And I rubbed my forehead with my hand. + +"But I feel all right now--have I been this way long?" + +"Nigh on to six months, Hy, old horse; ever since we hit it so rich on +our claim--don't you remember about that?" + +"Certainly," says I. "It seems like yesterday; it's as clear--but who +are these people?" + +Ag let on to be very much embarrassed. "Well," says he, +"why--hunh--why--to tell you the truth, I thought I ought to get you +out of the country, to where you could see an expensive doctor, and +these are some folks I brought down to buy the claim--you being sick, +you know!" + +"Buy the claim!" I hollers, jumping up. "Buy the claim? What's this +you're giving me? After all my toils and hardships and one thing and +another, to sell the Golden Queen? Well, I want you to understand that +nobody buys this claim, except across my dead body," says I. + +Aggy, he looks completely dumfounded. "My! This puts me in an awkward +fix," he says. "Gentlemen, you see how I'm up against it? I can't +sell without my partner's consent, now he's in his right mind; and, as +far as that goes, the only reason I wanted to sell is removed. The +dicker's off, that's the long and short of it." + +Oh, how pleased that tinhorn looked! He swallowed three times and got +red in the face before he answered a word. + +"This may be all right, but it looks mighty queer to me," he growls. + +"The ways of Providence is past understanding," says Aggy, taking off +his hat. "To our poor human minds it does seem queer, no doubt. Now, +Mr. Daggett," he continued, waving his arm in that broad-minded style +he had, "I'm sorry things has come out this way for your sake, although +a man that has such a sympathising nature as you will soon forget his +own disappointment in the general joy that envelopes this camp. And to +show you there's nothing small about me, you can have any one of those +chunks you dug out this afternoon that don't weigh over two dollars." + +Daggett sent the chunk to a place where it would melt quick, and +expressed a hope we'd follow it. With that he hopped into his go-cart +and pulled for town, larruping the poor horse sinful. We had the +pleasure of seeing the animile turn the outfit into the gully in return +for the compliment. They scrambled in again and disappeared from view. +Then Aggy reached out his hand to me. + +"Don't tell me nothing but the plain truth, old man," says he; "I can't +bear nothing except the plainest kind of truth, but on your sacred word +of honour, ain't your uncle Ag a corker?" + +"Aggy," says I, "I ain't up to the occasion. There ain't a man on +earth could do credit to your qualities but yourself." + +Then we shook hands mighty hearty. + + + + +Where the Horse is Fate + +One thing's certain, you can't run a sheep ranch, nor no other kind of +ranch, without hired men. They're the most important thing, next to +the sheep. I may have stated, absent-mindedly, that the Big Bend was +organised on scientific principles: none of your +gol-darned-heads-or-tails--who's-it--what-makes-the-ante-shy, about it. +Napoleon Buonaparte in person, in his most complex minute, couldn't +have got at this end of it better than I did. It looked a little +roundabout, but that's the way with your Morgan strain of idees. +Here's how I secured the first man--he didn't look like good material +to the careless eye. + +Burton and me had just turned the top of that queer hill, that +overlooks the Southwest road into the Bad Lands, when I see a parcel of +riders coming out. Somehow, they jarred me. + +"Easy," says I, and grabs Burton's bridle. + +"What the devil now?" he groans. "Injuns? Road-agents?" + +"Nope," says I, getting out my field glass. I had guessed it: there +was the bunch, riding close and looking ugly, with the white-faced man +in the middle. If you should ask me how I knew that for a lynching, +when all I could make out with my eyes was that they weren't cattle, I +give it up. Seems like something passed from them to me that wasn't +sight. And also if you ask why, when through the glass I got a better +view of the poor devil about to be strung, I felt kind towards him, you +have me speechless again. I couldn't make out his face, but there was +something---- + +[Illustration: Through the glass I got a better view of the poor devil +about to be strung] + +"See here, Burton," says I. "There's your peaceful prairie hanging, in +its early stage." + +"What!" says he, sick and hot at the same time. "How can you speak of +the death of a human being so heartlessly? Let me go!" + +"Hold!" says I. "You haven't heard me through. Perhaps you can be +more use than to run away and hide your eyes. I ain't got a' word to +say against quick law. I've seen her work, and she works to a point. +She beats having the lawyers sieving all the justice out of it. All +the same, they've been too careless around here--that, and a small bad +boy's desire to get their names up. I know one case where they hung a +perfectly innocent man, for fun, and to brag about it." + +He looked at me steady. I had suspected him of being no coward, when +it comes to cases. + +"Now," I says, "I don't know what that is down there. Perhaps it's all +right; then you and me has got to stand by. If not--well, by the +sacred photograph of Mary Ann, here's one roping that won't be an +undiluted pleasure. Now listen. I'm something of a high private, when +it comes to war, but no man is much more than one man, if the other +side's blood is bad. Give 'em to me cold, and I can throw a crimp into +'em, for I don't care a hoot at any stage of the game, and they do. +But when they're warm--why, a hole between the eyes will stop me just +as quick as though I wasn't Chantay Seeche Red. Are you with me? You +never took longer chances in your life." + +He wet his lips, and didn't speak very loud nor steady, but he says: +"You lead." + +"Well, hooray, Boston!" says I. "Beans is good food. Now don't take +it too serious till you have to. Perhaps there ain't more'n a laugh in +it. But--it's like smooth ice. How deep she is, you know when she +cracks, or don't. Be as easy as you can when we get up to 'em. +Nothing gained by bulling the ring. We must be prepared to look +pleasant and act very different. Turn your back and see that your toy +pistol is working." + +Well, poor Burton! Wisht you seen him fumble his gun. + +"I can't _see_ the thing," says he, kind of sniffling. "I'd give +something to be a man." + +"You'll do for an imitation," I says. "Remember, I was born with red +hair; comes trouble, this hair of mine sheds a red light over the +landscape; I get happy-crazy; it's summer, and I can smell the flowers; +there's music a long ways off--why, I could sing this minute, but +there's no use in making matters worse. Honest, trouble makes me just +drunk enough to be limber and--talk too much. Come on." + +We single-footed it down the hillside. The party stopped and drawed +together, four men quietly making a rank in front. That crowd had +walked barefoot. + +We come to twenty yards of 'em in silence; then a tall lad swung out +towards us. + +"How, Kola!" says I, wavin' my hand pleasant. + +"How do you do!" says he, as if it wouldn't break his heart, no matter +what the answer was. + +"Why, nicely, thank you to hell," says I. "What's doin'? Horse race?" + +"Probably," says he; then kind of yawning: "We're not expectin' company +this morning." + +"Well," I answered, "it's the unexpected always happens, except the +exceptions. You talk like a man that's got something on his mind." + +Don't think I'd lost my wits and was pickin' a row to no advantage. +I'll admit the gent riled me some, but the point I had in view was what +old Judge Hinky used to call "shifting the issue." I wanted to make +one stab at just one man--not the whole party--on grounds that the rest +of the crowd, who was plainly all good two-handed punchers, would see +was perfectly fair. And I intended to land that stab so's they'd see I +was no trifler. It was my bad luck that not a soul in the crowd knew +me--even by reputation, or my hair would have made it easy for me. So +I put a little ginger in the tone of my voice. + +"My friend," says the tall lad, "I wouldn't advise you to get gay with +us. I would advise you to move right on--or I'll move you." + +He played to me, you see. If he'd said, "_We_'ll move you," I'd had to +chaw with him some more. Now I had him. Right under the harmless +bundle of old clothes dangling from the saddle horn was the gun I'd +borrowed from Ike--Mary Ann's twin sister, full of cartridges loaded by +Ike himself--no miss-fire government issue. The next second that gun +had its cold, hard eye upon Long Jim in front of me. + +Whilst my hands seemed carelessly crossed on the horn, my right was +really closed on the gun. + +"I like to see a man back his advice," says I. "It's your move. Don't +any other gentleman get restless with his hands, or I'll make our +Christian brother into a collection of holes. Now, you ill-mannered +brute," I says, "I don't care what your business is: it's my business +to see that you give me civil answers to civil questions." + +He shrunk some. He was too durned important, anyhow, that feller. + +"Quick!" says I. "Lord of the Mormon hosts! Do you think I'm going to +yappee with you all day? Nice morning, ain't it? Say 'yes.'" + +"Yes," says he. + +"I thought so," says I. "It's a raw deal when a man that's sat a horse +as long as me can't say howdy on the open, without havin' a pup like +you bark at him." + +"Why," says he, feelin' distressed, "I didn't mean to make no bad play +at you." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder towards the prisoner, +who sat like a white stone. "That's it. Misplaced horse. Got him +with the goods." + +"Oh!" says I. "Well, 'twouldn't have done no harm to mention that +first place. I wasn't noticing you particular, till you got too much +alive for any man of my size to stand." I dropped my gun. "Excuse +haste and a bad pen," says I; "but why don't I draw cards? Both +parents were light complected and I've voted several times. How is it, +boys?" + +"Sure!" says they. "Take a stack, brick-top." + +"Gentlemen," I says; "one word more and I am done. The question as to +whether my hair is any particular colour or not, is discussed in +private, by familiar friends only--savvy the burro, how he kickee with +hees hin' leg?" + +They laughed. + +"All right, Colonel!" says they. "Come with us!" + +I had that crowd. You see, they was all under twenty-five, and if +there's anything a young man likes--a good, hearty boy--it's to see a +brisk play pushed home. I'd called 'em down so their spinal columns +shortened, and gagging about my hair, and the style I put on in +general, caught their eye. And their own laughing and easiness wasn't +so durned abandoned, as Charley Halleck used to say. There was a +streak of not liking the job, and everything a little "put on," evident +to the practised vision. + +I'd gained two points. Made myself pretty solid with the boys, for +one, and give 'em something besides hanging their fellow-man to think +of for another: distracted their attention, which you got to do with +children. + +"I speak for my friend," says I, pointing to Burton. + +"We hear you talk, Colonel," says the joker. "He's with us." So we +trotted on towards the cotton-woods. + +The line of work was marked out for me. I put on a grim look and sized +the prisoner up from time to time as though he was nothing but an +obstruction to my sight, although the face of the poor devil bit my +heart. He glanced neither way, mouth set, face green-white, the slow +sweat glassy all over him. Not a bad man, by a mile, I knew. It don't +take me a week to size a man up, and I've seen 'em in so many +conditions, red and pale, sick, dead, and well, that outside symptoms +don't count for much. + +I noticed another thing, that I expected. Out of the corner of my eye +I see them boys nudgin' each other and talkin' about me. And the more +I rode along so quiet, the more scart of me they got. + +I tell you how I'd test a brave man. I'd line the competitors up, and +then spring a fright behind them. Last man to cross the mark is the +bravest man--still, he might only be the poorest runner. With fellers +like me, it ain't courage at all. It's lunacy. I ain't in my right +mind when a sharp turn comes. Why, I've gone cold a year after, +thinking of things I laughed my way through when they happened. But +I'm not quarrelling with fate--I thank the good Lord I'm built as I am, +and don't feel scornful of a man that keeps his sense and acts scart +and reasonable. + +In one way, poor old Burton, lugging himself into the game by the +scruff of his pants, showed more real man than I did. Yet, he couldn't +accomplish anything; so there you are, if you know where that is. + +I said nothing until we slid off beneath the first tree. Then I walked +up to the three leaders and says, whilst the rest gathered around and +listened: + +"Has this critter been tried?" + +"Why, no!" says one man. "We caught him on the horse." + +"Yes, yes, yes," says I, raising my voice. "That's all right. But +lend me your ears till I bray a thought or two. I'm that kind of a man +that wouldn't string the meanest mistake the devil ever made without +givin' him a trial." + +"You give me a lot of trial this morning," says Long Jim. + +I wasn't bringing up any argument; I was pulling them along with a +mother's kind but firm hand, so I says to him: "Ah! I wasn't talking +about _gentlemen_; I'd shoot a gentleman if he did or didn't look +cross-eyed at me, just as I happened to feel. I'm talking about a man +that's suspected of dirty work." + +Now, when a man that's held you stiff at the end of a gun calls you a +gentleman, you don't get very mad--just please remember my audience, +when I tell you what I talked. Boys is boys, at any age; otherwise +there wouldn't be no Knights Templars with tin swords nor a good many +other things. I spoke grand, but they had it chalked down in their +little books I was ready and willing to act grander. Had I struck any +one or all of 'em, on the range, thinking of nothing special, and +Fourth-o'-July'd to 'em like that, they would have give me the hee-hee. +Howsomever, they was at present engaged in tryin' to hang a man; a job +one-half of which they didn't like, and would dispose of the balance +cheap, for cash. And I'd run over their little attempt to be pompous +like a 'Gul engine. Position is everything, you bet your neck. + +So up speaks Mr. Long Jim, that I've called a gentleman, loud and clear. + +"You're _right_," says he, and bangs his fist into his other hand. +"You're dead right, old horse," says he; "and we'll try this +son-of-a-gun now and here." + +"Sure!" says everybody, which didn't surprise me so much. I told you I +was used to handling sheep. + +After a little talk with his friend, Long Jim comes up and says: "Will +you preside, Colonel?" + +"I have a friend here who is a lawyer," I suggested, waving my hand +toward Burton. + +The speaker rubbed his chin. + +"I guess this isn't a case for a lawyer," he says. "The gentleman +might give us a point or two, but we'd prefer you took charge. You +see," he says to Burton and me earnestly; "there's been a heap of +skul-duggery around here lately--horse-stealin', maimin' cattle, and +the like--till we're dead sick of it. This bucco made the most +bare-faced try you ever heard of--'twas like stealin' the whiskers +right off your face--and us fellers in my neighbourhood, old man and +all, have saw fit to copper the deal from the soda-card. We ain't for +doin' this man; we're for breaking up the play--'tain't a case of law; +it's a case of livin'--so if you'll oblige, Colonel?" + +"All right, sir; I'll do the best I can. Who accuses this man?" + +"I," says a straightforward-looking young man of about twenty odd. + +"Step up, please, and tell us." + +"Why, it's like this," he says. "I'm ranchin' lone-hand down on +Badger. There's the wife and two kiddies, and a job for a circus-man +to make both ends meet--piecin' out a few cattle and a dozen hogs with +a garden patch. All I got between me and a show-down is my team. +Well, this feller comes along, played out, and asks for a drink of +water. My wife's laid up--too darn much hard work for any woman--and +I've got Jerry saddled by the fence, to ride for the doctor. Other +horse is snake bit and weavin' in the stable with a leg like a barrel. +I goes in to get the water, and when I comes out there's this sucker +dustin' off with the horse. Then I run over to C-bar-nine and routs +the boys out. We took out after him, corrallin' him in a draw near the +Grindstones. That's about all." + +"Make any fight?" I asked. + +"Naw!" says the man, disgusted. "I was wanting to put my hands on him, +but he comes in like a sick cow--seemed foolish." + +"How foolish?" + +"Oh, just stared at us. We called to him to halt, and he stopped, kind +of grinned at us and says: 'Hello!' I'd a 'hello'd' him if the boys +hadn't stopped me." + +[Illustration: We called to him to halt, and he stopped, kind of +grinned at us and says: "Hello!"] + +"Prisoner," I says, "this looks bad. I don't know where you come from, +but you must have intelligence enough to see that this man's wife's +life might have depended on that horse. You know we're straggled so +out here that a horse means something more than so much a head. Why +did you do this? Your actions don't seem to hang together." + +The poor cuss changed face for the first time. He swallered hard and +turned to his accuser. "Hope your lady didn't come to no harm?" says +he. + +"Why, no thankee; she didn't," says the other lad. "'Bliged to you for +inquirin'." + +There was a stir in the rest of the crowd. The prisoner had done good +work for himself without knowing it. That question of his proved what +I thought--he was no bad man. Something peculiar in the case. +Swinging an eye on the crowd, I saw I could act. I went forward and +laid my hand on his shoulder, speaking kind and easy. + +"Here," says I, "you've done a fool trick, and riled the boys +considerable. You'd been mad, too, if somebody'd made you ride all +day. But now you tell us just what happened. If it was intended to be +comical, we'll kick your pants into one long ache, and let it go at +that; if it was anything else, spit it out." + +He stood there, fumblin' with his hands, runnin' the back of one over +his forehead once in a while, tryin' to talk, but unable. You could +see it stick in his throat. + +"Take time," says I; "there's lots of it both sides of us." + +Then he braced. + +"Boys," says he, "I got a wife an' two little roosters too. I feel +sorry for the trouble I made that gentleman. I got split like this. +Come to this town with seven hundred dollars, to make a start. Five +hundred of that's my money, and two hundred m' wife saved up--and she +was that proud and trustin' in me!" He stopped for a full minute, +workin' his teeth together. "Well, I ain't much. I took to boozin' +and tryin' to put the faro games out of business. Well, I went +shy--quick. The five hundred was all right," he says, kind of defiant. +"Man's got a right to do what he pleases with his own money; but . . . +but . . . well, the girl worked hard for that little old two hundred. +God Almighty! I was drunk! You don't s'pose I'd do such a thing +sober?" turning to us, savage. "That ain't no excuse, howsomever," he +goes on, droppin' his crop. "Comes to the point when there's nothin' +left, and then I get a letter." He begun taking things out of his +pockets, dropping 'em from his big tremblin' hands. "It's somewheres +here--ain't that it? My eyes is no good." + +He hands me a letter, addressed to Martin Hazel, in a woman's writing. +"Well, that druv me crazy. So help me God, sir, I ain't pleadin' for +no mercy--I'll take my medicine--but I didn't know no more what I was +doin' when I jumped your horse than nothin'. I only wanted to get away +from everybody. I was crazy. You read 'em that letter," says he, +taking hold of me. "See if it wouldn't drive any man crazy." + +Now, there's no good repeatin' the letter. It wasn't written for an +audience, and the spellin' was accordin' to the lady's own views, but +it was all about how happy they was going to be when Martin had things +fixed up, and how funny the little boy was, and just like his pa, and, +oh, couldn't he fix it so's they'd be with him soon, for her heart was +near broke with waiting. + +There was sand in my eyes before I'd read long, and that crowd of +fierce lynchers was lookin' industriously upon the ground. One man +chawed away on his baccy, like there'd be an earthquake if he stopped, +and another lad, with a match in his mouth, scratched a cigarette on +his leg, shieldin' it careful with his hands, and your Uncle Willy +tried to fill a straight face on a four-card draw, and to talk in a +tone of voice I wasn't ashamed of hearing. + +During the last part of the letter the prisoner stood thoughtful, with +the back of his hand to his mouth; you'd never known he was settin' his +teeth into it, if it wasn't for the blood dropping from his thumb. + +"The prisoner will retire," says I, with the remnants of my +self-respect, "while the court passes sentence. Go sit down under the +tree yonder." He shambled off. Soon's he was out of hearin' the +feller that lost the horse jumps up into the air with an oath like a +streak of lightning. "Here's a fine play we come near makin' by bein' +so sudden," says he. "I wouldn't have that man's death on my soul for +the whole territory--think of that poor woman! And he's paid the +freight. Colonel, I want to thank you for drawin' things down." + +So he come up and shook me by the hand, and up files the rest and does +the same thing. + +"Now, friends," says I, "hold on. Court hasn't passed sentence yet. I +pass that this crowd put up to the tune of what it can spare to +buy"--consulting the letter--"to buy Peggy a ticket West, kids +included, exceptin' only the gentleman that lost the horse." + +"Why, we ain't broke altogether on Badger!" says he. "You ain't goin' +to bar me, boys?" + +"Not on your life, if that's the way you feel," says I. I don't know +what amount that crowd could spare, but I'll bet high on one thing. If +you'd strong-armed the gang, you wouldn't start a bank with the +proceeds after the collection was taken. There wasn't a nickel in the +outfit. "I'm glad I didn't bring any more with me," says Burton, +strapping himself. + +Of course, I was appointed to break the news to the prisoner. He +busted then; put his head on his arm and cried like a baby. But he +braced quick and stepped up to the lads. "There ain't nothing I can +say except thank you," says he. "I want to get each man's name so's I +can pay him back. Now, if anybody here knows of a job of work I can +get--well, you know what it would mean to me. Sporty life is done for +me, friends; I'll work hard for any man that'll take me." + +"I got you," I says. "Come along with me and I'll explain." + +Then we said by-by to the boys. I played the grand with 'em still, and +I'll just tell you why, me and you bein' such old friends. Although it +may sound queer, coming from my mouth, yet it was because I thought I +might give them boys the proper steer, sometime. You can't talk +Sunday-school to young fellers like that! They don't pay no attention +to what a gent in black clothes and a choker tells 'em; but suppose +Chantay Seeche Red--rippin', roarin' Red Saunders, that fears the face +of no man, nor the hoof of no jackass--lays his hand on a boy's +shoulder, and says, "Son, I wouldn't twist it just like that." Is he +goin' to get listened to? I reckon yes. So I played straight for +their young imaginations, and I had 'em cinched to the last hole. And +after the last one had pulled my flipper, and hoped he'd meet me soon +again, me and Burton and the new hired man took out after sheep. +"But," says Burton, still sort of dazed, "God only knows what we'll +meet before we find them. Even sheep aren't so peaceful in this +country." + +He was right, too. However, when I start for sheep, I get 'em. You +can see by the deep-laid plan I set to catch help for the ranch, how +there's nothing for fortune to do but lay down and holler when I make +up my mind. + + + + +Agamemnon and the Fall of Troy + +Me and Aggy were snuggled up against the sandpaper edge as cute as +anything, said Hy Smith. Even our consciences had gone back on +us--they didn't have nothing to work on. The town looked like it had +been deserted and then found by a party of citizens worse off than the +first. + +The only respectable thing in the hull darn shack-heap was Aggy's black +long-tailed coat and black-brimmed hat. And they made the rest of the +place look so miserable that Ag wouldn't have wore 'em if he'd had +another hat and a shirt. We was a pair of twin twisters that had +busted our proud and graceful forms on a scrap-iron heap. + +I s'pose it was the turible depression of bein' stuck in such a hole, +or some sudden weakenin' of the brain; but anyhow, in that same town of +Lost Dog, Agamemnon G. Jones and Hy Smith ran hollerin' into a faint +away game. + +We paid ten dollars for a map showin' the location of the Lost Injun +mine, from a paralytic partially roomin' at the Inter-Cosmopolitan +Hotel. The Inter-Cosmopolitan had got pretty near finished, when the +boom exploded with a loud sigh. + +One-half the roof was missin', and the clapboardin' didn't come quite +to the top, but that paralytic took it good-natured, sayin' that as he +wasn't more'n half a man, half a hotel was plenty good enough for him. +But ah! he allus wound up, if he could get the proper motion in his +hind legs, he'd be up and find his Lost Injun mine, and after that no +dull care for him. + +I ain't goin' to describe that gentleman any more. When I say he +unloaded a map of that Lost Injun mine, with the very spot marked with +a red cross, anybody'll understand that the paralysis hadn't affected +his head none. + +You see, he was so quiet and patient under his afflictions, and he +talked it off so smooth, that the flyest gent that ever lived could be +excused for slippin' up and gettin' stuck in the discourse before he +knew that gravitation was workin' at the same old stand. + +Now, for a straight-away dream-builder give me Aggy. He could talk the +horns off a steer, and that steer would beller with happiness to think +he was rid of a nuisance. + +Ag stood six-foot-two by two-foot-six, and when he had the long-tailed +coat, the plug hat, and his general-in-the-army whiskers working right, +he only had to stick one hand in his vest and begin, "Fellow-Citizens +and Gentlemen," and he could start anything from a general war to a +barber-shop expedition to gather North Poles. + +Give him a good, honest, upright gang of men that would weigh two +hundred a head, and Aggy could romp with their money or them, so the +worst used monkey in the cage would go home pleased. + +Ag was built to play with huskies, not paralytics; so one day when he +stooped and turned sideways to get into the paralytic's room, treadin' +soft on the boards so's not to land the outfit in the cellar, the sight +of the poor sick man lyin' there--everlastingly lyin'--his helpless +hands turned palm up on the covers, why, old Ag's heart was touched. +He was that kind of grass-hopper, Ag, to whipsaw you out of a hundred +and then lend you five hundred, even if he had to rip the pelt off +somebody else to get it. I asked him about that trait onct. + +"Why, Hy, my boy," says he, with his thumb in his vest, and his +twenty-five cent cigar in his teeth--we was livin' at the risk of a +high-roller hotel at the time--"in the first place, I'm a gentleman in +disguise, and carelessness allows me to drop the disguise now and then; +besides that," says he, "I hate these here conventions. Because I +touch Mr. Jones for his wad, must I therefor scramble Mr. Ferguson? +And if I stake Ferguson, must I open a free lunch for the country? +Now, God forbid!" says Ag. "I started out being pleased by doing the +things that pleased me, regardless of the vulgar habits of the mob. +The mob can select its destination at any or all times it pleases, but +I'm going to be Agamemnon G. Jones," says he. "The unexpected always +happens, and I'm the unexpected," he says. + +You wouldn't ask for a man to keep his statements clearer than that. I +was the only person had a line on him. I'd figger out every +possibility for him and then sleep peaceful, knowing that it had come +off different. + +So while nobody'd figger on Ag's gettin' stuck by a paralytic, darned +if he didn't come away with a map in his hands. "Here is our fortune, +Henry," says he. + +Well, now, I jumped sideways. "Look here, Aggy Jones, do you mean to +say that legless wonder has stuck you?" + +"Mr. Troy conveyed all rights in the property to me for $10, paid in +hand, including this method of findin' out where it is," says he. + +"Where'd you get the $10, and me not know it?" says I. + +"Trivial, trivial," says Ag. + +"And do you expect to follow that dotted line until you stub your toe +over a half-ton nuggets?" + +"Frivolous, frivolous," says Ag. + +"Yes," I says, "yes. Trivial--frivolous--all right--but what's that +red cross?" + +"Shows the location plainly," says he, shiftin' his cigar. "Where the +arms of that cross intersect, we double it, or turn nurses in the army." + +Well, I stared at him. Too much thinkin' goes to a man's head +sometimes. + +"You feel anything strange about you anywheres?" says I. + +"Yes," says he, tapping it. "This map-- Accordin' to the scale of +miles these here arms on the cross are somethin' like fifty miles long. +Ah, what a merry, merry time we shall have, Hy, chasin' up and down +glass mountains, eatin' prickly pear, drinking rarely, and cullin' a +rattlesnake here and there to twine in our locks. It will seem like +old times, dropping a rock in your boots in the mornin' to quell the +quivering centipede and the upstanding and high-jumping tarantula." + +"Say," says I, "do you think there's a mine here at all?" + +"Mine!" says he, like I'd asked a most unexpected question. "Mine? +Have we lived out of eyeshot of the most remarkable mine in the United +States and Canada at any time we smoked the trail?" + +"No," says I, "that's so; but, Ag, you ain't goin' to push for that red +cross out in the middle of hell's ash-heap, are you?" + +"Only a little ways," says he; "it's time we left this anti-money trust +behind us, and I always like to leave dramatically, if it's only to +give the sheriff a run." + +"More fast-footin' in this?" + +"'Nary, but we shall meet some of our fellow-townsmen on the river +to-morrow--all men who haven't done us a bit of good--and then we'll +flap our gliders to a gladder land." + +"But that ten dollars----" + +"Look here. Let's _again_ settle this money question once for all. Am +I the financial expert for this party?" + +"You be." + +"Selah," says Ag. "And unlike the corporations in the effete East, +where a high collar marks the gentleman, we mix amusement with our +lives?" + +"Sure," says I. + +"Well, then," says Aggy, speaking with the frankness and affection of +one or more friends to another, "I ask you to swallow your tongue and +watch events." + +"Keno," says I. "Produce your events." + +So the next day we hooted it out toward the southeast, packin' grub +only, and I never says a word. + +Bimeby we see a lot of people comin' a horseback, on board waggons, and +runnin' afoot. + +"Each man with a map," says Ag. "Look at 'em dodge, Hy. They go out +of sight for seconds at the time--'Shall we gather by the river, the +beautiful, the beautiful Squaw River?'--I reckon." + +We did. Everybody seemed surprised at seein' everybody else. + +"Just come out for a picnic, friends?" says Ag. + +"Oh, yes," says everybody. "Great old day and nice spot here--tired of +town--thought we'd make a holiday." + +"Good, good," says Aggy, his honest face gleamin' with joy. "Let's all +eat now and swop maps afterward." + +Things kind of stopped for a minute. If a man was unhitchin' a mule, +he waited till you could count 1, 2, 3, and then continnered. + +"What d'ye mean by 'map'?" says one lad, bent under a horse to hide his +face. + +"What do I mean?" says Ag, offended. "Why, I mean just what Noah +Webster meant when the dove came back bringin' the definition to his +ark. I mean map--m-a-p, map--a drawin' that shows you the way to get +to a red cross that doesn't exist on the face of nature. I like green +crosses as a matter of taste, but all our paralysed friend had left was +a red one, so I took that, not to be unsociable." + +I've been at pleasanter lookin' picnics. + +Finally the feller under the horse did some deep thinkin' and come out. +"Have you honest got a map?" says he. + +"To the Lost Injun mine? 'Heigh-o, the Lost Injun!'" sings Aggy. +"Here she is, my friend, with all dips, angles, and variations; one +million feet on the main lode; his heirs, assigns, orphans. _E +pluribus unum_, forever and forever!" + +"Yours ain't just the same as mine," says the feller, grimly spittin'. + +"No," says Ag, "I reckon he spread it around. He didn't know this was +the nearest ford on Squaw Creek, and we might likely come together." + +And then arose a cussin', not loud, but with a full head of steam--it +would make ordinary loud seem like the insides of a whisper--and a rush +for horses. + +"Peace, friends, peace!" says Aggy, standin' up his hull height and +with his noble chest fillin' his black coat; his black whiskers +expandin' in pride--a hootin', tootin' son-of-a-gun to look at. And +when he said "peace," the earth shook. + +The crowd stopped. "Think!" says Aggy. "Attempt the impossible! +Think! Remember that paralytic is on a parlour car, flying swiftly +toward the setting sun. I see the picture of that lonely railroad +train whooping ties across the prairie. What is the use of throwing +yourselves into a violent perspiration in a mad chase of a thing that +no longer exists? The paralytic is no more; thy Faith Hath Made Him +Whole." Aggy sank his voice to a beautiful whisper. + +"Well, you got stuck yourself," pipes up old Grandpa Hope. "He, he, +he, he shelled you too!" + +"I admit it," says Ag, "and yet it is not quite what it seems. I +borrowed Slit-Eyed Jenkins's two gilded nickels to get in this game. I +further admit that the Government never should have left the word +'cents' off these nickels, to tempt poor but not bigoted men; further, +I'll say that if Jenkins had brightened them up he might have passed +them for $3.89. But Jenkins puts a thief within his stomach that +steals away his business ability, so that when I asked for them nickels +he merely replied: 'Take the damned Yankee skin-tricks away, with my +thanks.' + +"I have noted in my travels that the person to pass immoral money on us +is the agent whose mind is absorbed in selling you a diamond ring, that +nothing but his desire to get rid of would drive him to sell; so in +this case I dropped them nickels into the grateful and quiverin' hand +of that paralytic, drew my man and--here we are," says Ag. + +It was the first time I ever saw a gang of full-grown men blush at the +same time. + +Nobody had nothin' to say except Ag, who threw the lapel of his coat +back and addressed the meeting. + +"Gentlemen," says he, "as I have mentioned before, our paralysed friend +has fled, departed, skinned out, screwed his nut far, far from here. +Don't blaspheme in the very face of the Almighty by trying to be more +ridiculous than you already are. If you arrive warm and distracted, +the few remaining inhabitants of Lost Dog will hold the dead moral on +you the rest of your days. Cool off and wipe the word 'map' from your +minds; turn from the villainies of man to the stark forces of nature; +see where Squaw Creek has forced her remorseless and semi-fluid way +through the mighty rampart of these Gumbo hills." + +"I wish you would hush," said a puncher. "Leggo, Ag!" + +"Here's where you get the worth of your money," says Ag. "You wouldn't +play poker with _me_, would you? Of course not. I might get your +money. In fact, I think I should, myself. But you would turn over ten +fine large bones to a paralytic who made pencil sketches of a scene in +the Alps and put the sign of the price on 'em--one sawbuck, or ten +plunks? There is the sawbuck," says Aggy, tappin' his map. "But where +are the plunks? Go to! There are no plunks. We kick the dust of +Dog-town from our hind legs. Flee cheerily, one-time neighbours, to +where a red cross fifty miles in length lies exposed to the sunlight, +and then dig; dig for wealth beyond the dreams of avarice; dream of +scow-loads of gold floating on a canal of champagne. Don't forget to +dig, because that will give you a muscle like a Government mule. And +here's where we dig--out. Ta-ta, fellow-citizens, I never expected to +get you so foul!" + +"I think you was working with that feller," says one man, excited. + +"Dream on--dream on," says Ag, "but don't make any motions in your +sleep. I've heard that wakin' up somnambulists with a .44 Colt's is +bad for their nervous systems." The lad was quiet. "Gentlemen," says +Aggy, "if you have kicks, prepare to shed them now." + +"No tickee--no kickee," says the cow-puncher. "But kindly don't bunch +me with these Foundered Dogs," pointing to the rest. + +"Certainly not," says Ag. "Come with us, friend?" + +"I sure ought not to," says the puncher, scratchin' his head. "The ole +man expects me to go down to Sweet Water and bring home a bunch of +calves; but, thunder! calves just loves to play, and the ole man's got +so quiet that Peace troubles his mind. Where you goin'?" + +"Well," says Ag, sincerely, "you can search me." + +"Fits me to half a pound," says the puncher; "ain't nothin' suits me +better than to fall against somethin' I don't know the name of. Darn +calves; if there's anything I don't like some more than other things, +calves is the party of the first part---- Yekhoo!" says he, "c'm round +here, Mary Jane." With that he waved his leg over the saddle and we +was off. + +"You fellers got any money?" says the puncher. We told him we was +entirely innocent in that respect. + +"Well, I got fifty of my own, and two hundred the ole man give me to +buy any likely stock I might see. He'll stand on one leg and talk +naughty to me when he finds I've spent it, but, Lord! there's no use +remembering things that ain't happened yet, and besides, _he_ was a +hopper grass that flew, when _he_ was a youngster. So that's all +right. Gosh! don't it feel good to be out in the real fresh air oncet +more!" + +It sure was good. We made it, ride and tie, northeast by the compass. +There's one good thing about these United States--so long's you keep +movin' you're sure to run into a town somewheres. + +We spent three nights out. Every camp, before rollin' in, Ag and me +and the cow-puncher made up a quartette and sang, "How dear to my heart +is the scenes of my chi-i-i-i-i-i-ldhood," "Old Black Joe," and so +forth, then laid down in faith no critter would trouble us that night. +And say! it was simply dead great when we was lyin' on top of old Baldy +Jones's Meza, the moonlight ketchin' the canyon lengthwise, and old +Aggy comin' down, down, down, "Rocked--in ther--cradle--of--the--deep." +Holy Smoke! he sounded fifty fathom. Honest, he made that slit in the +earth holler like an organ. We was that enthusiastic we oncored him, +leavin' our own pipes out. You talk about your theatres and truck! +Give me Agamemnon G., a white night, and several thousand square mile +of ghost-walk country--that's the music for me. He never waggled them +black whiskers--just naturally opened his mouth, and the hills on the +skyline pricked up their ears to listen. You could hear that big, +handsome roar go bouncin' along the crags and wakin' up the wildcats in +the cracks. Lord! what a stillness when the last echo stopped! Well, +that cow-puncher, he had a tear runnin' down the side of his nose, and +I never felt so happy miserable in my life. + +The only words spoke was by Ag. "Mary and Martha!" says he, "I've +scart myself!" so we all rolled up. + +Two days after we met a line of ore-wagons drug by mules. When we was +twenty foot away the cow-puncher and the first driver give a holler, +and in ten seconds they was shakin' hands and poundin' each other on +the back, sayin', "Why, you damned old this and that!" When a lull +come, the cow-puncher says, "Jack, let me present my friends!" so the +driver he shook hands with us and says, "Any friend of Billy's on your +meal ticket! Where you crowd of sand skinners headed for?" So, after +some talk, he understood. "You want a town," says he. "Well," +p'inting with the butt of his whip, "eighteen miles over yonder you'll +find your place, if you're looking to make the sidewalks stand +perpendicular; and twenty mile over there, if you want to find some of +the nicest people outdoors. Pretty girls there, bet cher life. Chip +Jackson filled me full of lead two months ago to get his name +up--reg'lar kid trick; wanted to get a rep as the man that put out Jack +Hunter; he didn't put me out no more'n you see at present, but the folk +over at Cactus used me white. Nussed me. Gee! A dream, gents, a +dream! Real girls, with clothes that whispers like wind in the grass, +'Here I come! Here I come!' + +"I got the prettiest, slimmest, black-eyed one marked down for me. I +wanted her right off, but she said she couldn't consider it, and cried +a little; so I cuddled her up and ca'med her down and said I'd do the +considerin'. That's a great place--you fellers have seen enough rough +house, why don't you shuck down that way?" + +"I play her wide open," says Aggy, "from pretty little kittens in white +to chawin' the ear off my fellow-man; but, to speak honest and +straightforward, we ain't got the sinews of war to start a campaign in +such a town, as I'd like to." + +"Broke!" hoots Hunter. "Well, that don't go a minute! Here!" says he, +"glue your optics to that." He chucked out a specimen peppered with +yaller. "That's my mine. I'm just thinkin' of taking a half interest +in the mint. You can pick her to go twenty thousand to the ton--help +yourselves, gents." He began sortin' rock. "Oh, here!" says he, +"wait!" + +Then he called his men--Greasers--and spoke to 'em firm in Spanish, +that they was to bring their turkeys and empty their pockets. They +rolled their eyes and talked about saints. "G'wan," says Jack, "if you +fellers didn't know that I knew you were pinchin' me for at least two +hundred a trip you wouldn't respect me. Come, shake your jeans, or +I'll strip you clean when it comes you're between me and my friends." + +So, mournin' and groanin', they unloaded about fifty pounds of the +loveliest rock you ever see. There was a piece shaped like a cross +that Ag picked out for himself, but the Greaser that owned it hollered +loud, and Ag give it back to him. "With that in his clothes," says +Aggy, "he can steal religiously--I wouldn't take that comfort from the +poor soul for anything." + +"These here Greasers get the best chunks," says Jackson, "because they +got more time to hunt. Now, don't look cross-eyed," says he to 'em; "I +pay you five a day, and you fish two hundred for yourselves." At which +the Greasers smiled a little again, feelin' that things weren't without +their cheerful side. + +"Boys, I got to leave you," says Hunter. "The next time you come +through here, you'll see a log cabin built to hold two or more with +comfort, because I ain't such a blatting fool to build a house that's +going to take my wife's attention from me--log cabin's good enough. +Don't mention that to Miss Lorna Goodwin when you see her, because I +ain't took her in my confidence that far yet, but say a good word for +your uncle, and by-by! Get up, there, Mary! Straighten them traces, +Victoria! Oop! Oop! here we go clattering fresh! So-long, till +later!" and away he went, the dust a-flyin'. + +We landed in Cactus, ready and anxious to be respectable. We first +took in the barber shop, had a bath and a trimmin' up. + +"Fix these whiskers of mine," says Ag to the barber, "as though they +was inclined to be religious, and a few strokes from a nice, plump, +clean little widder's hand would make 'em fall. You can say what you +please about widders," says Aggy, "but a woman who's had one man and +wants another has holt of the proper sand. It's a compliment when a +widder shines up to a man. She's no amateur." + +Then we bought clothes and played seven-up in the hotel till they was +fixed to fit us. We wanted to stroll through Cactus right. After this +was done we mashed our rocks, panned the result, and got $375 from the +bank--all told, we had pretty nigh six hundred between the three of us. + +The sight of us, trimmed, wouldn't cramp you none. That cow-punch he +went an inch to the good over six foot. I came along about an eighth +below him, and Aggy loomed far in the night. We all had features on +our faces, and--well, Cactus sure was a pretty little town, with its +parks and irrigated gardens, and when we strolled, we noticed the girls +kind of let their sentences drag--probably because they didn't see us. + +"Say, this is great!" said the cow-puncher. "That bug up there," +p'inting to the electric light, "kinder exudes retail moonlight when he +sings. But my! Here's where you get your fine-looking girls! I +wonder how the old man 'ud take it if I said to him, 'Paw, dear, I'm +married.' I can lick him, though, even if I let him say sourcastic how +far from that point I be. Oh, my Christian Spirit!" he whispers, "do +you catch sight of that easy-mover in the white clothes! Holy Smokes! +Let's introduce ourselves!" + +Ag got up and marched forward. "Is this Miss Lorna Goodwin?" says he. + +"No, sir," says the girl, kinder awed by the sight of him. + +"I'm very sorry," says Ag. "We are strangers here, and we only knew a +friend of Miss Goodwin's." + +"Why," says the girl, "Lorna's right back of us. Shall I take you to +her?" + +Aggy bowed. "With such a guide, I'll follow anywhere," says he, "and I +certainly would like to see Miss Goodwin." + +"Excuse me a moment, Jim," says the girl, and off they went. I don't +think I ever noticed what a handsome big cuss Ag was till seein' him +walk beside that girl. Jim, the feller, wasn't so pleased. +Howsomever, there was old Aggy, all in a minute, shakin' hands with +many people and representing everything there was in sight, as usual. +Then he marched the crowd up and introduced us all. Say, I've lived a +sort of hasty life, full of high jumps, but I'll admit that strolling +around with all them nice girls and young fellers left a sore spot. I +enjoyed it, but-- Well, I had hold of something with hair as light as +the sun in a haze, and with big blue eyes that looked up at me, when +the head was bent down--and I can be as big a fool as any monkey in +these United States--and the first thing you know, there won't be +anything but girl in my conversation. + +Anyhow, we stood well with the community and learned to our surprise +that Christmas was only four days off. I hadn't knowed what day it was +within a month. + +The next day we found out somethin' still more surprisin'--at least Ag +did. + +"Do you know that we have a miracle in our midst, friends?" says he to +me and the cow-punch. "Answer by mail. We have, and I'll tell you +right now. The maimed and the halt are walking. The seller of maps is +now beginning to get church funds in his hands; the one-time paralytic +is the gaiest birdie that flies, and worse'n that, he's making a bold +play for Jack Hunter's girl, as her Pah-pah wears gold in his clothes +to keep out the moths. + +"He's making a strong push, so the head-waiter-lady tells me, and she +thinks it's a shame, because he has a shifty eye, for all his religious +talk, and Lorna's such a nice girl. 'Twas the kind friend who has the +cellar on the corner, where anti-prohibition folks may indulge their +religion unmolested, that told me of the work. He spotted him for a +crook first peep. Also he seemed to grasp the fact that these almost +orthodox whiskers of mine had been cut in other ways. So we talked +confidential. The barkeep liked Cactus and prohibition, and said he +didn't want the people done dirt by a putty-faced ex-potato-bug. +'These boys,' says he, 'put away more good stuff than the drinkers. +They want the cussed rum disposed of forever. I make as high as thirty +a day in this little joint, and the other part of the town is strictly +on the level. Couldn't you give our friend, Mr. Paris, a gentle push?'" + +"My God!" says I, "that bucko will be Helen the Fair and the rest of +Homer if he ain't roped! He's making too free with old-time +literature. He used to be Troy," I says to the barkeep, and then I +come here. + +"Well, durn his tintype!" says we, "how did you get a look at him?" + +"Introduced," says Ag, "he more'n half remembered me, but the strange +place, the new cut in the whiskers, the hearty handshake, and the fact +that I'd just come from N' York did the trick." + +"Well, ain't you kind of got it in for him yet?" says the cow-punch. + +Ag looked at him. "No," says he, "I revere him. But when he comes to +ringin' in ancient history, he'll find that I'm a wooden horse that can +gallop--that I'm only called Agamemnon for fun. That, really, I used +to spank our former friend, Achilles, to develop his nervous system. +Oh, no!" says Ag, "Troy to me is only a system of measurements, a myth, +or the damnedest hole in the U. S. However, we shall be at the +Christmas tree. And Mr. Troy--Paris will be there, also, as little as +he dreams it." + +We spent the next few days in a state of restlessness, because Aggy +said he'd explain when the news would do us good. One thing made the +cow-punch ready for gun practice right off, Mr. Troy was a slippery +cuss, and he had rather ki-boshed Jack Hunter's girl. He hung around +her, fetched and carried, nailed up greens for her and all that, till +you could see he was leaving himself two trails--either skip with the +funds or marry the girl. He had one day left to choose. Having locoed +the townsfolk into giving him the management of the festivities, he +stood well, and he wasn't a bad looker neither. He had an easy, +slippery tongue for a young girl: not like Ag's methods--in any +gatherin' Ag could make George Washington or General Grant look like +visitors--but smooth and languishin'. + +I had to calm the cow-punch by telling him we was in a law and order +community, and that shootin' was rude, also that Aggy could be counted +on to do everything necessary. That morning Ag gave me strict orders, +according to which I loped out to a little canyon where a spring +bubbled, and there, sure enough, was Troy, talkin' honey to Jack's +girl. I slid close enough to hear him. He made out a good case, but +when it come to the last card the girl wasn't so interested in the +story. She had sense after all; girls can't be blamed for being a +little foolish. Well, Troy, he argued and urged, till at last up gits +little Lorna and says it's impossible, and that there's another man in +the question, and so Troy stands there mournful till she's out of +sight, and then hikes for the railroad, with a two-hundred dollar cash +present for the minister in his pocket, and probably another +seventy-five or a hundred in odds and ends. + +And after him went Hy Smith, also. He flagged a train about a mile out +of town and hopped aboard. I come out of the bush and took the last +car, telling the brakie a much-needed man had got on forward. Also, I +took the Con. into my confidence. So just when we pulled into the next +town I steps behind Mr. Troy, puts a gun against the back of his neck, +and read the paper Ag had prepared for me. + +"Now, Mr. Troy, alias Paris, alias Goat, etc., come with me, or go +forward in the icebox. Don't make a fuss or we'll alarm the +ladies--I've read you the warrant!" + +He walked ahead as meek as Moses. By a cross-cut across the hills it +weren't more than four mile to Cactus, and Troy stepped it like a +four-year-old. + +We come in behind the church. "That you, Hy?" says Ag. "Bring our +friend, Mr. Troy, through the rear. If you don't know the way, he'll +sell you a map for ten dollars." + +"Whenever you want to die, just holler," says I to Troy. It was a +quiet journey. When we got inside, there was Ag and the cow-punch, +smiling kindly. Ag was mixing paint in a pot. + +"They used few colours in this edifice," says Ag, "otherwise I could +have produced something surprising. Blue for the hair," says he, "a +sign of purity." So he painted Troy's hair blue. And he painted a red +stripe down the nose and small queer rings all over his face, and with +a pair of lamp scissors he roached Troy's name like a mule--and, well, +he did make something uncommon out of Troy. + +"Lovely _thing_!" says Ag, coquettish, and pokes him with his finger. + +Troy, he didn't say nothing. In fact, when you come to think of it, +there wasn't many sparkling thoughts for him to put out. + +"I got a few other traps we need," says Ag, pulling out a long coiled +wire spring (off a printing press, I reckon). "Come on," he says, "and +we'll fix something to entertain all the children." We put a belt on +Troy, run a line through it and hitched on the spring. The cow-punch, +he crawled up to the peak of the roof with a pulley, made it fast and +passed Mr. Troy's line through it. Then Ag took a brace and bit, +boring a one-inch hole in the floor, and give instructions to a pair of +Injuns in the cellar. + +Then we yee-heed brother Troy to the top of the tree, running the +rope's end down the hole to the Injuns. Troy had a lighted candle tied +fast to each hand. + +"Now, you Greek mythology," says Ag, "mind my words; you are to flap +your arms and squeak 'Mah-mah' as you merrily go up and down; +otherwise, my kyind assistants in the cellar are instructed to pull +down so hard that when they let go, you and that able-bodied spring +will fly right through the roof. Light the candles, boys." We lit the +candles, slipped the curtain, and the crowd filed in--face to face with +Brother Troy, blue-haired Troy; ringed, striped, and be-speckled; +flyin' through the air ten foot a trip, flappin' his arms and yelling +"Mah-mah." + +I reckon no such thing had ever been behelded by anybody in that church +before, no matter how many Christmas trees they'd seen. They just +stood like they was charmed, and their heads and hands was keeping +motion with Troy. + +Ag give two small knocks with his heel, and Troy went right up into the +darkness; the cow-punch grabbed him, cut his lines, and said: "Skin, +you sucker! Hike along the edge and jump out the belfry." + +The folks thought it was a grand piece arranged for their benefit, and +they hollered and laughed and clapped their hands. But there was one +deacon who hadn't been nursed by the Dove of Peace all his life. In +fact, he reminded me of a man who used to deal stud-poker up Idaho way; +and he came around and cast a steady eye on Aggy. + +"You people might have lost there," says Aggy, passing out the +minister's purse and the other truck. "Paris is gay and not orthodox." + +The deacon, he nodded his head. "I had a pipe line run on that geeser +from the minute he blew in," says he. "Where's he now?" + +"Runnin' fast," says Aggy; "just where I don't know." + +"You gentlemen goin' to tarry with us?" says the deacon. "It's a fine +little town and I'm glad to be good, but crimp my hair if I don't feel +lonesome at times. I should like to exchange reminiscences +occasionally. I hope you'll stay." + +"It's a pleasant man who keeps the corner cellar," says Ag, "but his +whiskey has the flavour of old rags. Now my throat----" + +"Don't say a word," says the deacon, drawin' a small half-gallon flask +out of his clothes. "Do the snake-swallowin' act to your hearts' +content, gentlemen, and remember there's just simply barrels more where +that comes from. And now," says he, when the gurgling stopped, "let's +go in and see the fun. Them's awful innocent, good-hearted folk, boys. +I tell you straight, it works in through my leather to see 'em play." + +We stepped where we could look at them; happy-faced mothers, giggling +and happy little kids, and pretty girls--lots of 'em. And it lit +through my hide, too. + +"I s'pose you kin explain, Mr. Jones?" says the deacon, punchin' Ag in +the ribs. + +"Explain?" says Ag, proud. "Appoint me custodian of the bottle, and I +hereby agree to explain anything: why brother Paris left us so +completely, what became of Charley Ross, who struck Billy Patterson, +where are the ships of Tyre, or any other problem the mind of man can +conjure, from twice two to the handwriting on the wall." + +"Forrud, march," says the deacon simply, and we j'ined them kind and +gentle people under the Christmas tree. + + + + +A Touch of Nature + +"These are odd United States," said Red. They certainly are. I'm +thinking of a person I knew down in the Bill Williams Mountains, in +Arizona. He was Scotch and his name was Colin Hiccup Grunt, as near as +I could hear it. I never saw anything in Arizona nor any other place +that resembled him in any particular. + +We met by chance, the usual way, and the play come up like this: I'm +going cross country, per short-cut a friend tells me about--this was +when I was young; I could have got to where I was going in about four +hours' riding, say I moved quick, by the regular route, but now I'm ten +hours out of town, and all I know about where I am is that the heavens +are above me and any quantity of earth beneath me. For the last two +hours I've been losing bits of my disposition along the road, and now +I'm looking for a dog to kick. Here we come to a green gulch with a +chain of pools at the bottom of it. + +I got off to take a drink. Soon's I lay down there's a snort and a +clatter, and my little horse Pepe is moving for distance, head up and +tail up, and I'm foot loose forty miles from nowhere. This was after +the time of Victorio, still there was a Tonto or two left in the +country, for all the government said that the Apaches were corralled in +Camp Grant, so I made a single-hearted scamper for a rock. + +Then I looked around--nothin' in sight; I raised my eyes and my jaw +dropped. Right above me on the side-hill sits a man, six foot and a +half high and two foot and a half wide, dressed in a wool hat, short +skirts, and bare legs. His nose and ears looked like they'd been +borrowed from some large statue. His hair was red; so's mine, but mine +was the most lady-like kind of red compared to his--a gentle, +rock-me-to-sleep-mother tint, whilst his got up and cussed every other +colour in the rainbow. Yes, sir; there he sat, and he was knittin' a +pair of socks! For ten seconds I forgot how good an excuse I had to be +vexed, and just braced myself on my arms and looked at him and blinked. +"Well, no wonder, Pepe busted," thinks I, and with that my troubles +come back to me. "I don't know what in the name of Uncle Noah's pet +elephant you are," says I to myself. "Male and female he made 'em +after their kind, and your mate may do me up, but if I don't take a +hustle out of you there'll be no good reason for it." And feeling this +way, I moved to him. + +[Illustration: Yes, sir; there he sat, and he was knittin' a pair of +socks!] + +"Now," says I, "explain yourself." + +"Heugh!" says he, just flittin' his little gray eyes on me and going on +with his knittin' as if he hadn't seen anything worth wasting eyesight +on. + +I swallered hard. "Another break like that," I thinks, "and his family +have no complaint." + +"One more question and you are done," says I. "Do you think it's fair +to sit on a hill and look like this? How would you feel if you come on +me unexpected, and I looked like you?" + +By way of reply, he reached behind him--so did I. But it wasn't a gun +he brought forth; it was a sort of big toy balloon with three sticks to +it. Without so much as a glance in my direction, he proceeded to blow +on one stick and wiggle his fingers on the others. Instantly our good +Arizona air was tied in a knot. It was great in its way. You could +hear every stroke of the man filing the saw; the cow with the wolf in +her horn bawled as natural as could be, and as for the stuck pig, it +sounded so life-like I expected to see him round the corner. But at +the same time it was no kind of an answer to my question, and I kicked +the musical implement high in the air, sitting down on my shoulder +blades to watch it go, and also to acknowledge receipt of one bunch of +fives in the right eye, kindness of Grandma in the short skirts. +Beware of appearances! Nothin' takes so much from the fierce +appearance of a man as short skirts and sock-knitting, but up to this +date the hand of man hasn't pasted me such a welt as I got that day. + +Then, sir, Grandma and I had a real good old-fashioned time. I grabbed +him and heaved him over the top of my head. "Heugh!" says he as he +flew. He'd no more than touched ground before he had me nailed by the +legs, and I threw a handspring over his head. From that on it was just +like a circus all the way down the hill to where we fell off the ledge +into the pool--twenty-five foot of a drop, clear, to ice-water--wow! +'J'ever see a dog try to walk on the water when he's been chucked in +unexpected? Well, that was me. I was nice and warm from rastlin' with +Grandma before I hit, and I went down, down, down into the deeps, until +my stummick retired from business altogether. I come up tryin' to +swaller air, but it was no use. I got to dry land. Behind me was the +old Harry of a foamin' in the drink--Grandma couldn't swim. Well, I +got him out, though I was in two minds to let him pass--the touch of +that water was something to remember. + +[Illustration: Twenty-five foot of a drop, clear, to ice-water--wow!] + +"Now, you old fool!" says I, when I slapped him ashore. "Look at you! +Just see what trouble you make! Scarin' people's horses to death and +fallin' in the creek and havin' to be hauled out! Why don't you wear +pants and act like a Christian? Ain't you ashamed to go around in +little girl's clothes at your age? What in the devil are you doing out +here, anyhow?" + +With this he bust out cryin', wavin' his hands and roarin' and yellin', +with tears and ice-water runnin' down his face. + +"Well!" says I; "I don't catch you, spot nor colour, any stage of the +deal. You'd have me countin' my fingers in no time. I'm goin' to sit +still and see what's next." + +By-and-by he got the best of his emotions, come over to me and blew a +lot of words across my ears. From a familiar sound here and there, I +gathered he was trying to hold up the American language; but it must +have been the brand Columbus found on his first vacation, for I +couldn't squeeze any information out of it. I shook my head, and he +spread his teeth and jumped loose again. + +"No use," says I. "I dare say you understand, but the only clue I have +to those sounds is that you've eat something that ain't agreed with +you. Habla V. Español?" + +"Sí, señor!" says he. So then we got at it, although it wasn't smooth +skidding, either; for my Spanish was the good old Castilian I'd learned +in Panama, whilst his was a mixture of Greaser, sheepblat, and Apache, +flavoured with a Scotch brogue that would smoke the taste of whiskey at +a thousand yards. + +He explained that while he wasn't fully acquainted with my reasons for +assault-and-batterin' him in the first place, he was deeply grateful +for my savin' his life in the second place. + +"Yes," says I. "But why do you cry?" + +Well, that was because his feelin's was moved. I'll admit that if I +sat on a rock in the Bill Williams Mountains, thinking myself the only +two-legged critter around, and somebody come and kicked my bagpipes in +the air and dog-rassled me down forty rod of hillside, afterwards +fishing me out of the drink, my feelin's would be moved too, but not in +that way. And at the time I'm telling you about, I was young--so young +it makes me tremble to think of it--and I knew a heap of things I don't +know now. For this I thought slightin' of Grandma, notwithstanding the +tall opposition he put up. Somehow I couldn't seem to cut loose from +the effect of his short skirts and fancy work. But I let on to be +satisfied. He amused me, did Grandma. + +Next he invites me to come up to his shanty and have a drop of what he +frivolously called "fusky"--"_Uno poquito de +fuskey--aquardiente--senor_." Wisht you could have heard his +Spanish--all mixed up--like this: He says he's "greetin'"--meanin' +yellin', while it's "grito" in Spanish, and his pronunciation had +whiskers on it till you could hardly tell the features. But we got +along. When we struck the cabin the old lad done the honours noble. +I've met some stylish Spaniards and Frenchmen and Yanks and Johnny +Bulls in my time, yet I can't remember aryone who threw himself +better'n Colin Hiccup. There's no place where good manners shows to +better advantage than on a homely man; the constant surprise between +the way he looks and the way he acts keeps you interested. + +"To you, señor," says Colin. "Let this dampen the fires of animosity." + +"To you right back again," says I. "And let's pipe the aforesaid fires +clean down into the tailin's." So there we sat, thinking better of +each other and all creation. The fires of animosity went out with a +sputter and we talked large and fine. I don't care; I like to once in +a while. I don't travel on stilts much, yet it does a man good to play +pretty now and then; besides, you can say things in the Spanish that +are all right, but would sound simple-minded in English. English is +the tongue to yank a beef critter out of an alkali hole with, but give +me Spanish when I want to feel dressed up. + +We passed compliments to each other and waved our hands, bowing and +smiling. In the evening we had music by the pipes. I can't say I'd +confine myself to that style of sweet sounds if I had a free choice; +still, Colin H. Grunt got something kind of wild and blood-stirrin' out +of that windbag that was perfectly astonishin', when you took thought +of how it really did sound. And--I sung. Well, there was only the two +of us, and if I stood for the bagpipes it was a cinch he could stand my +cayodlin'. + +Three days I passed there in peace and quiet. I hadn't anything on +hand to do; the more I saw of my new pardner the better I liked his +style, and here was my gorgeous opportunity to make connections with +the art of knitting that might be useful any amount, once I come to +settle down. + +It was a handsome little place. The cabin was built of rocks. She +perched on the hillside, with three gnarly trees shadin' it and a big +shute of red rock jumping up behind it. Colin had a flower garden +about a foot square in front, that he tended very careful, lugging +water from the creek to keep it growing. Climbing roses covered one +wall, and, honest, it cuddled there so cunnin' and comfortable, it +reminded me of home. Think of that bare-legged, pock-marked, +sock-knittin' disparagement of the human race havin' the good feelin' +to make him a house like this! It knocked me then, because, as I have +explained, I was young. I have since learned that the length of a +jack-rabbit's ears is no sure indication of how far he can jump. + +We spent three days in this pleasant life, knocking around the country +in the daytime, chinnin' and smokin' under some rock and discussin' +things in general, and at night we made music, played checkers, and +talked some more. + +During this time his history come out. Naturally, I was anxious to +know how such a proposition landed in the Bill Williams Mountains. It +happened like this: + +Colin came from an island in Scotland where, I judged, the folks never +heard of George Washington. + +His chief had the travel habit, and Colin went along to bagpipe. + +He'd followed his chief to France and then to Mexico, where the band of +Scotties tried to help Maximilian help himself to Uncle Porfirio Diaz's +empire. There was a row, and the son and heir of the house of Grunts +was killed, old Colin Hiccup fightin' over his body like a red-headed +lion in short skirts. + +It was at night he told me about it, and at this point he got excited. +He pulled his old sword down from the wall and showed me how everything +occurred. It was as close a call as I can recollect. I'd rather meet +an ordinary man bilious with trouble than have a friend like Colin tell +me exciting stories with a sword. There were times when you couldn't +have got a cigarette paper between me and that four-foot weapon. I was +playing the villains, you understand. + +Well, the Maximilian game was up, and when Colin got well (some lad +with no sporting blood had shot him in the head) he slid over to the +United States and resumed sheep herding, knitting, and bagpiping allee +samee old country. I suspect the boss of the ranch hired Mr. Grunt +more because he liked the old boy than for any other reason, inasmuch +as he didn't have more'n a hundred sheep in the bunch; besides, what +with getting shot in the head and grieving for his chief and one thing +and another, Colin was a _little_ damaged in the cupola--not but what +he was as sensible as I could understand most of the time--but--well, +kind of sideways about things; like not learning English and keeping on +dressing in knee skirts and such. + +What troubled him the most was that no such thing as a clan could be +found. I explained to him as best I could that as us Americans +represented Europe, Asia, and Africa in varyin' proportions, it was a +little difficult to get up a stout clan feeling--local issues would +come in. + +Yes, he said he understood that, but it was a great pity, and on the +fourth night I was there he got so horrible melancholy over it that it +was dreadful to see. I didn't know how to cheer him up exactly, until +we'd had two--perhaps three--drops together. Then an inspiration hit +me in the top of the head. + +"Come along outside with the nightcracker," says I. "I'll take the +sword and we'll have one of those dances you've told me about." + +He brightened up at that, and after a few more drops consented. I felt +right merry by this time, and it wasn't long before old Colin limbered +considerable. There it was, nice bright moonlight, nobody around to +pass remarks; nothing to trouble. So bime-by we pasted her hide, wide +and fantastic, with the bagpipes screechin' like a tom-cat fight in a +cellar. I was tickled to death lookin' at our shadows flyin' +around--one of the times I was easily pleased; I must say I enjoyed the +can-can. + +And then, alas! All my joy departed and went away, for when my eye +happened to slide behind me, it fell on a Tonto brave--a full-sized +Tonto-Yuma brave, that ought to be seen at Camp Grant, dressed in a +pocket handkerchief, a pair of moccasins, and a large rifle. + +"By-by, my honey, I'm gone!" I sings to myself--never missin' a step, +however, for to let that Injun know I was on to him would be a sign of +bad luck. I wiggled around kind of careless to see if there was any +more of him. There was. Nine more. Here was Saunders Colorado and +Colin Hiccup Grunt, fortified by--say six, drops of Scotch whiskey, a +Scotch sword and a Scotch bagpipe, up against ten Tontos armed with +rifles. I would have traded my life interest in this world for an +imitation dead yaller dog. "Oh, they won't do a thing to us, thing to +us, thing to us!" sings I to myself, hoppin' around so gleefully, +keepin' time to the bagpipes. "Whoop her up, Colin!" I hollers. "On +with the dance, let joy be unconfined!" That was in my school reader, +so it ought to be true. My joy was unconfined all right enough--she'd +flew the coop long since. + +[Illustration: "Whoop her up, Colin!" I hollers] + +At that Colin really turned himself loose. He'd warmed to the occasion +and climbed into the spirit of the thing. His eyes was shut and he was +leaping five foot in the air at a pass, wagglin' his head from side to +side. And as for them bagpipes, he simply blew the mangled remains of +all the sounds since the flood out of the big end--he took silence by +her hind leg and flapped her into rags. + +I pranced like a colt, wonderin' why we didn't get shot or something. +At last I couldn't stand feeling all them hard-coal eyes behind me, so +I whirls around as if I'd simply waited my time, and capered down that +line of Injuns, wavin' the sword over their heads, looking far away, +and smilin' the easy grin of the gentleman who pets the tiger in the +circus parade. + +"Oh, Colin!" I chants, as if it was part of a war-song; "understand +English for once in your life and keep that squealer yelpin' or these +ham-coloured sons of Satan will play a tune on us--give it to 'em, +Colin, my b-o-o-y--let the good work go ah-ah-ah-ah-on!" + +I reckon he made me out, for, after one sharp blat (I suppose when he +opened his eyes), the old bagpipes went on whining same as before. + +I made two trips up and down the line, then flung the sword up in the +air and yelled: "Bastante!" + +Come silence, like a fainting fit--the thickest, muckiest silence I +ever heard. + +"Your house, amigos," I says. "In what way may we serve you?" I had +an idea of what way they would serve _us_---fried, likely, with a dish +of greens on the side--but I thought I'd get in my crack first. + +It was weary waiting to see what kind of play the bucks was going to +make. They had the immortal on us, and what they said went. + +At last the oldest man in the party stepped out. I guess the Yankee +got his love for Fourth of July gas-displays from the Injuns, for +there's nothin' that those simple-hearted children of nature love +better than chawing air. + +"Amigos," says the old buck. "Mira. We are not Gilas; we are not +Mescaleros; we are not Copper-miners; neither Jicarillas, Coyoteros, +nor Llaneros." All this very slow and solemn. Very interesting, no +doubt; but a _little_ long to a man waiting to see whether he's about +to jump the game or not. "No," thinks I; "nor you ain't town-pumps nor +snow-ploughs nor real-estate agents--hook yourself up, for Heaven's +sake, and let go on your family history." + +"No," says he, shaking his head. "Nada, I am Yuma--they are Yuma." + +"I sincerely hope so," thinks I. "And I wish you'd let us in on the +joke. I'm dyin' for lack of a laugh this minute." + +"Si, señores," says he. "We are not Apaches; and we are not now for +war. Before, yes. Now we are peaceful. But the white man has put us +on reservation at Camp Grant, and there bad white men bother us. We +are all braves; we do not wish to be bothered. So we shoot those white +men for the sake of peace, and then we come away. We come here last +moon. We see this man," pointing to Colin Hiccup. "At first my young +men wish to shoot at him, to see him hop, but I say 'no'--we are +peaceful; besides, he is a strange white man. I think he is a great +chief and comes here to make medicine. Do you not see how small is the +rebaño and how large the man? And how he dresses like a woman? And +there we hear the music he makes. Then I know he is great medicine. +It is beautiful music he makes to the Great Spirit. It makes our +hearts good. We wait; see you come. See two big medicine men fight, +then be friend again. Know, by the hair, both same medicine. To-night +sounds the music more and more. We come and see dance. We have +council. All say, when dance is over, we ask white man to be chief. +Just one chief--two chiefs, like calf with two heads, no good. You +choose. We have no chief since Mangas Colorado. He make fight. Fight +hard but no good. Now we are for peace. I say it." + +He threw down his rifle and waited. The other braves dropped their +guns, crash! + +"We will talk," says I, drawing myself up tall. + +"Buen," says he, and Colin and me withdrew. + +"Now, my Scotch friend," says I, when we got out of hearin', "we are up +against it, bang! It's all right for them Injuns to talk of how +peaceful they are, but I'll bet you there ain't a bigot among 'em. If +we don't slide down their gutter, they'll do us harm. How're we to +decide who puts his neck in the lion's mouth?" + +But old Colin wasn't listening to me. "They'll make me chief," says +he. "I'm tired of herding sheep." His little grey eyes was shining. + +"Well, you knock me every time," says I. "Do you mean you want to trot +with them?" + +"They stick together--they have a clan." + +I got some excited. "Here, now," I says; "this lets me out of a good +deal of trouble to have you take it this way, but all the same as I've +drunk your whiskey and ate your bread, I'll stand at your back till +your belt caves in. You pass this idea up--it's dangerous--and I'll +make you a foolish proposition; you take the bagpipes and I'll take the +sword and we will pass away to lively music. Darn my skin if I'll see +a friend turned over to those tarriers and sit still." + +"Heugh!" says he. "What's a man but a man? As safe with them as +anywhere--and what do I care about safe? What's left me, anyhow? Will +you watch the sheep till they send from the ranch?" + +"Why, yes," says I. "But----" + +He waved his hand and walked towards the Injuns. "Voy," says he. + +"Hungh!" says they. "Bueno." + +I laid my hand on his shoulder for one more try. Every brave picked up +his gun and beaded me. + +"Drop the guns!" says Colin Hiccup Grunt. And down went the guns. +You'd be surprised at his tone of voice; it meant, as plain as you +could put it in words, "We will now put down the guns." Oh, yes, it +meant it entirely. And he looked a foot taller. The change had done +him good. + +"Well," thinks I; "my boys, I reckon you've got your chief, and as +there ain't another peek of light out of this business, I shelve my +kick." + +"Where is the señor's horse?" asks Colin. + +"In the hills," says the Injun, before he thought. + +"Bring it," says Colin. + +"Ha!" says all the Injuns, and they sent a man for my mustang. That +quick guess surprised the whole lot of us. + +We went together to the cabin, to get his belongings and to cache the +whiskey. If it come into our friend's heads to rummage we might have a +poor evening of it. + +"Leave me that sock as a momentum," says I. + +"'Tain't finished," says he. + +"Never mind. I want it to put under my pillow to dream on," and I have +it yet. + +One half-hour after that I sat in the doorway, scratching my head and +thinkin'; whilst before my eyes marched off Colin Hiccup Grunt, Great +Peace Chief of the Yumas, bare-legged and red-headed, with his wool hat +on one side and his bagpipe squealin', at the head of his company. You +won't see such a sight often, so I watched 'em out of eyeshot. + +It chanced I was asleep inside when the rider came from the ranch, so +when I stuck my head out to answer his hail, "Why," says he, "how +you've changed!" He was surprised, that man. + +"You ain't done nothing to old Scotty?" says he, looking cross. + +"No," says I. "Hold your hand. He's gone off and joined the Injuns." + +Then I up and told him the story. + +"Hungh!" says he. "Well, that's just like him!" + + + + +THE END + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters, by +Henry Wallace Phillips + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED SAUNDERS' PETS AND OTHER *** + +***** This file should be named 19265-8.txt or 19265-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/2/6/19265/ + +Produced by Al Haines + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters + +Author: Henry Wallace Phillips + +Release Date: September 13, 2006 [EBook #19265] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED SAUNDERS' PETS AND OTHER *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + +</pre> + + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +[Frontispiece: He was a lovely pet (missing from book)] +</H3> + +<BR><BR> + +<H1 ALIGN="center"> +Red Saunders' Pets +<BR> +And Other Critters +</H1> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +By +</H3> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +Henry Wallace Phillips +</H2> + +<BR><BR> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +Author of +<BR> +Red Saunders and Mr. Scraggs +</H4> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +Illustrated +</H4> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H4 ALIGN="center"> +New York +<BR> +McClure, Phillips & Co. +<BR> +Mcmvi +</H4> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H5 ALIGN="center"> +Copyright, 1906, by +<BR> +McCLURE, PHILLIPS & CO. +<BR><BR> +Published, May, 1906 +<BR><BR> +Second Impression +<BR><BR><BR> +Copyright, 1902, 1903, 1904, 1905, by The S. S. McClure Company +<BR> +Copyright, 1902, by The Success Company +<BR> +Copyright, 1905, by P. F. Collier & Son +</H5> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +CONTENTS +</H2> + +<BR> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap01"> +THE PETS +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap02"> +OSCAR'S CHANCE, PER CHARLEY +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap03"> +BILLY THE BUCK +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap04"> +THE DEMON IN THE CANON +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap05"> +THE LITTLE BEAR WHO GREW +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap06"> +IN THE ABSENCE OF RULES +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap07"> +FOR SALE, THE GOLDEN QUEEN +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap08"> +WHERE THE HORSE IS FATE +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap09"> +AGAMEMNON AND THE FALL OF TROY +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#chap10"> +A TOUCH OF NATURE +</A> +</H3> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS +</H2> + +<BR> + +<H3> +HE WAS A LOVELY PET . . . . . . Frontispiece (missing from book) +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-006"> +WE NEAR LOST TWO PETS +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-008"> +"I WISHT SOMEBODY'D TELEGRAPH THAT SON-OF-A-GUN<BR> +FOR ME" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-010"> +BOB 'UD HOP HIM +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-012"> +HIS STYLE OF RIDING ATTRACTED ATTENTION +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-016"> +SEARCHING HIS SOUL FOR SOUNDS TO TELL HOW SCART HE WAS +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-022"> +GET OFF'N ME! +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-028"> +THE AFFAIR WAS AT PRESENT IN THE FORMAL STATE +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-045"> +"A WISE AND SUBTLE PIECE OF STRATEGY" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-047"> +"AN ACCOUNT OF MY ADVENTURES" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-052"> +"'HERE'S—YOUR—DEER—KID,' HE GASPED." +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-059"> +"JIMMY-HIT-THE-BOTTLE" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-067"> +THE PUNCHERS TO THE RESCUE +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-070"> +"HY" SMITH +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-076"> +HE'D COME AROUND WITH HIS PLANS AND SPECIFICATIONS <BR> +TWICE A DAY +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-088"> +MIGUEL COULD RUN WHEN HE PUT HIS MIND TO IT +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-115"> +"CLEAN WAS NO NAME FOR HIS PERSONAL APPEARANCE" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-116"> +"UP GETS FOXY WITH A SHRIEK AND GALLOPS AROUND <BR> +THE HOUSE" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-118"> +"OLD WINDY USED TO TALK TO THE PIG AS THOUGH THEY'D<BR> +BEEN RAISED TOGETHER" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-119"> +"HE'D HUMP UP HIS BACK . . . AND RUB AGAINST YOUR LEGS" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-121"> +"NO. DIDN'T WANT FOOD. HEART WAS BROKE" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-122"> +"'HUNGH!' SAYS HE, AND BLINKED HIS EYES SHUT" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-123"> +"THE DOCTOR GOES SAILING INTO THE DRINK" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-125"> +"A HA HA! CUT IN TWO IN THE MIDDLE" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-126"> +"THAT WOOLLY, BLAATIN' FOOL OF A SHEEP" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-127"> +"CHASES HIMSELF OFF TO THE SKY-LINE FOR ANOTHER TRY" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-129"> +"THE DURNED RAM WAS PRANCIN' AWAY" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-130"> +"HE WAS KNOCKED GALLEY-WEST" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-131"> +"THAT PIG LOOKED UP AND SMILED" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-133"> +"AND HOLLER! I WISHT YOU COULD HAVE HEARD THAT PIG" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-134"> +"DONE. EVERLASTINGLY DONE" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-160"> +THROUGH THE GLASS I GOT A BETTER VIEW OF THE POOR DEVIL <BR> +ABOUT TO BE STRUNG +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-172"> +WE CALLED TO HIM TO HALT, AND HE STOPPED,<BR> +KIND OF GRINNED AT US AND SAYS: "HELLO!" +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-212"> +YES, SIR; THERE HE SAT, AND HE WAS KNITTIN' A PAIR OF SOCKS! +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-216"> +TWENTY-FIVE FOOT OF A DROP, CLEAR, TO ICE-WATER—WOW! +</A> +</H3> + +<H3> +<A HREF="#img-224"> +"WHOOP HER UP, COLIN!" I HOLLERS +</A> +</H3> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap01"></A> +<H2 ALIGN="center"> +Red Saunders' Pets And Other Critters +</H2> + +<BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +The Pets +</H3> + +<P> +"Of all the worlds I ever broke into, this one's the most curious," +said Red. "And one of the curiousest things in it is that I think it's +queer. Why should I, now? What put it into our heads that affairs +ought to go so and so and so, when they never do anything of the sort? +Take any book you read, or any story a man tells you: it runs along +about how Mr. Smith made up his mind to do this or that, and proceeded +to do it. And that never happened. What Mr. Smith calls making up his +mind is nothing more nor less than Mr. Smith's dodging to cover under +pressure of circumstances. That's straight. Old Lady Luck comes for +Mr. Smith's mind, swinging both hands; she gives it a stem-winder on +the ear; lams it for keeps on the smeller; chugs it one in the short +ribs, drives right and left into its stummick, and Mr. Smith's mind +breaks for cover; then Mr. Smith tells his wife that—he's made up his +mind—<I>He</I>, mind you. Wouldn't that stun you? +</P> + +<P> +"Some people would say, 'Mr. Sett and Mr. Burton made up their minds to +start the Big Bend Ranch.' All right; perhaps they did, but let me +give you an inside view of the factory. +</P> + +<P> +"First off, Billy Quinn, Wind-River Smith, and me were putting up hay +at the lake beds. It was a God-forsaken, lonesome job, to say the best +of it, and we took to collecting pets, to make it seem a little more +like home. +</P> + +<P> +"Billy shot a hawk, breaking its wing. That was the first in the +collection. He was a lovely pet. When you gave him a piece of meat he +said 'Cree,' and clawed chunks out of you, but most of the time he sat +in the corner with his chin on his chest, like a broken-down lawyer. +We didn't get the affection we needed out of him. Well, then +Wind-River found a bull-snake asleep and lugged him home, hanging over +his shoulder. We sewed a flannel collar on the snake and picketed him +out until he got used to the place. And around and around and around +squirmed that snake until we near got sick at our stummicks watching +him. All day long, turning and turning and turning. +</P> + +<P> +"'Darn it,' says I, 'I like more variety.' So that day, when I was +cutting close to a timbered slew, out pops an old bob-cat and starts to +open my shirt to see if I am her long-lost brother. By the time I got +her strangled I had parted with most of my complexion. Served me right +for being without a gun. The team run away as soon as I fell off the +seat and I was booked to walk home. I heard a squeal from the bushes, +and here comes a funny little cuss. I liked the look of him from the +jump-off, even if his mother did claw delirious delight out of me. He +balanced himself on his stubby legs and looked me square in the eye, +and he spit and fought as though he weighed a ton when I picked him +up—never had any notion of running away. Well, that was Robert—long +for Bob. +</P> + +<P> +"The style that cat spread on in the matter of growing was simply +astonishing; he grew so's you could notice it overnight. At the end of +two months he was that big he couldn't stand up under our sheet-iron +cook-stove, and this was about the beginning of our family troubles. +Tommy, the snake, was a good deal of a nuisance from the time he +settled down. You'd have a horrible dream in the night—be way down +under something or other, gasping for wind, and, waking up, find Tommy +nicely coiled on your chest. Then you'd slap Tommy on the floor like a +section of large rubber hose. But he bore no malice. Soon's you got +asleep he'd be right back again. When the weather got cool he was +always under foot. He'd roll beneath you and land you on your +scalp-lock, or you'd ketch your toe on him and get a dirty drop. I +don't think I ever laughed more in my life than one day when Billy come +in with an armful of wood, tripped on Tommy, and come down with a +clatter right where Judge Jenkins, the hawk, could reach him. The +Judge fastened one claw in Billy's hair and scratched his whiskers with +the other. Gee! The hair and feathers flew! Bill had a hot temper +and he went for the hawk like it was a man. The first thing he laid +his hand on was Tommy, so he used the poor snake for a club. +Wind-River and me were so weak from laughing that we near lost two pets +before we got strength to interfere." +</P> + +<A NAME="img-006"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-006.jpg" ALT="We near lost two pets" BORDER="2" WIDTH="363" HEIGHT="447"> +<H3> +[Illustration: We near lost two pets] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"But, as I was saying, the cold nights played Keno with our happy home. +Neither Tommy nor Bob dared monkey with the Judge—he was the only +thing on top of the earth the cat was afraid of. Bob used to be very +anxious to sneak a hunk of meat from His Honour at times, yet, when the +Judge stood on one foot, cocked his head sideways, snapped his bill and +said 'Cree,' Robert reconsidered. On the other hand, Tommy and Bob +were forever scrapping. Lively set-tos, I want to tell you. The snake +butted with his head like a young streak of lightning. I've seen him +knock the cat ten foot. And while a cat doesn't grow mouldy in the +process of making a move, yet the snake is there about one +seventeen-hundredth-millionth part of a second sooner. And that's a +good deal where those parties are concerned. Now, on cold nights, they +both liked to get under the stove, where it was warm, and there wasn't +room for more'n one. Hence, trouble; serious trouble. Bob hunted +coyotes on moonlight nights. We threw scraps around the corner of the +house to bait 'em, and Bob would watch there hour on end until one got +within range. It was a dead coyote in ten seconds by the watch, if the +jump landed. If it didn't, Bob had learned there was no use wasting +his young strength trying to ketch him. He used to sit still and gaze +after them flying streaks of hair and bones as though he was thinking +'I wisht somebody'd telegraph that son-of-a-gun for me.'" +</P> + +<A NAME="img-008"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-008.jpg" ALT=""I wisht somebody'd telegraph that son-of-a-gun for me."" BORDER="2" WIDTH="363" HEIGHT="382"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "I wisht somebody'd telegraph that son-of-a-gun for me."] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Well, then he'd be chilly and reckon he'd climb under the stove. But +Thomas 'ud be there. +</P> + +<P> +"'H-h-h-h-hhhh!' says Tom, in a whisper. +</P> + +<P> +"'Er-raow-pht!" says Robert. 'Mmmmm-mm—errrrr—pht!' And so on for +some time, the talk growing louder, then, with a yell that would stand +up every hair on your head, Bob 'ud hop him. Over goes the cook-stove. +Away rolls the hot coals on the floor. Down comes the stove-pipe and +the frying-pans and the rest of the truck, whilst the old Judge in the +corner hollered decisions, heart-broke because he was tied by the leg +and could not get a claw into the dispute. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-010"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-010.jpg" ALT="Bob 'ud hop him." BORDER="2" WIDTH="379" HEIGHT="527"> +<H3> +[Illustration: Bob 'ud hop him.] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"By the time we had 'em separated—Bob headed up in his barrel and Tom +tied up in his sack—put the fire out, and fixed things generally, +there wasn't a great deal left of that night's rest. +</P> + +<P> +"But children will be children. We swore awful, still we wouldn't have +missed their company for a fair-sized farm. +</P> + +<P> +"And now comes in the first little twist of the Big Bend Ranch, +proper—all these things I'm telling you were the eggs. Here's where +the critter pipped. +</P> + +<P> +"'Twas November, and such a November as you don't get outside of Old +Dakota, a regular mint-julep of a month, with a dash of summer, a sprig +of spring, a touch of fall, and a sniff or two of winter to liven you +up. If you'd formed a committee to furnish weather for a month, and +they'd turned out a month like that, not even their best friends would +have kicked. And here we'd been makin' hay, and makin' hay, the ranch +people thanking Providence that prairie grass cures on the stem, while +we cussed, for we were sick of the sight of hay. I got so the rattle +of a mower give me hysterics. We were picked because we were steady +and reliable, but one day we bunched the job. Says I, 'Here; we've cut +grass for four solid months, includin' Sundays and legal holidays, +although the Lord knows where they come in, for I haven't the least +suspicion what day of the month it may be, but anyhow, let's knock off +one round.' +</P> + +<P> +"So we did. I sat outside in the afternoon, while the other two boys +and the rest of the family took a snooze. Here comes a man across the +south flat a-horseback. +</P> + +<P> +"I watched him, much interested: first place, he was the first strange +human animal we'd laid eye on for six weeks; next place, his style of +riding attracted attention. I thought at the time he must have +invented it, him being the kind of man that hated horses, and wanted to +keep as far away from them as possible, yet forced by circumstances to +climb upon their backs." +</P> + +<A NAME="img-012"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-012.jpg" ALT="His style of riding attracted attention." BORDER="2" WIDTH="379" HEIGHT="527"> +<H3> +[Illustration: His style of riding attracted attention.] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"His mount was a big American horse, full sixteen hand high, trotting +in twenty-foot jumps. If I had anything against a person, just short +of killing, I'd tie him on the back of a horse trotting like that. +It's a great gait to sit out. Howsomever, this man didn't sit it out; +what he wanted of a saddle beyond the stirrups was a mystery, for he +never touched it. He stood up on his stirrups, bent forward like he +was going to bite the horse in the ear, soon's the strain got +unendurable. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, here he come, straight for us. I'd a mind to wake the other +boys up, to let 'em see something new in the way of mishandling a +horse, but they snored so peaceful. I refrained. +</P> + +<P> +"'How-de-do?' says he. +</P> + +<P> +"I said I was worrying along, and sized him up, on the quiet. He was a +queer pet. Not a bad set-up man, and rather good looking in the face. +Light yellow hair, little yellow moustache, light blue eyes. And +clean! Say, I never saw anybody that looked so aggravating clean in +all my life. It seemed kind of wrong for him to be outdoors; all the +prairie and the cabin and everything looked mussed up beside him. +</P> + +<P> +"As soon as he opened up, I noticed he had a little habit of speaking +in streaks, that bothered me. I missed the sense of his remarks. +</P> + +<P> +"'Would you mind walking over that trail again?' I asked him. 'I do +most of my thinking at a foot-step and your ideas is over the hill and +far away before I can recognise the cut of their scalp-lock.' +</P> + +<P> +"'Haw!' says he and stared at me. I was just on the point of askin' +him if red hair was a new thing to him, when all of a sudden he begun +to laugh, 'Haw-haw-haw!' says he; 'not bad at all, ye know.' +</P> + +<P> +"'Of course not,' says I. 'Why should it be?' +</P> + +<P> +"This got him going. I saw him figuring away to himself, and then I +had to smile so you could hear it. +</P> + +<P> +"'Well,' says I, better humoured, 'tell us it again—I caught the word +sheep in the hurricane.' +</P> + +<P> +"So he went over it, talking slow. I listened with one ear, for he had +a white bulldog with him; a husky, bandy-legged brute with a black eye, +and he was sniffing, dog fashion, around the door, while I blocked him +out with my legs. Doggy was in a frame of mind, puzzling out +bull-snake trail, and hawk trail, and bob-cat trail. He foresaw much +that was entertaining the other side of the door, and wanted it, +powerful. +</P> + +<P> +"'Here,' says I, 'call your dog. I can't pay attention to both of you.' +</P> + +<P> +"'He won't hurt anything, you know,' says the man. +</P> + +<P> +"'Well, we've got a cat in there that'll hurt <I>him</I>,' I says. 'You'd +better whistle him off before old Bob wakes up and scatters him around +the front yard.' +</P> + +<P> +"Gee! That man sat up straight on his horse! Cat hurt that dog? +Nonsense! Of course, he wouldn't let the dog hurt the cat, and as long +as I was afraid—— +</P> + +<P> +"I looked into that peaceful cabin. Billy was lying on his back, his +fine manly nose vibrating with melody; Wind-River was cooing in a +gentle, choked-to-death sort of fashion, on the second bunk; Tom was +coiled in the corner, the size of half a barrel; the Judge slept on his +perch; Robert reposed under the cook-stove with just a front paw +sticking out. It was one of them restful scenes our friends the poets +sing about. It did appear wicked to disturb it but—— +</P> + +<P> +"'Will you risk your dog?' I asked that man very softly and politely. +</P> + +<P> +"'Certainly!' says he. +</P> + +<P> +"Says I, 'His blood be on your shirtfront,' and I moved my leg. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, sir, Billy landed on the grocery shelf. Wind-River grabbed his +gun and sat up paralysed. It really was a most surprising noise. I've +had hard luck in my life, but all the things that ever happened to me +would seem like a recess to that bulldog. Our domestic difficulties +was forgotten. 'United We Stand,' waved the motto of the lake-bed +cabin. Jerusalem! That dog was snake-bit, and +hawk-scratched-and-bit-and-clawed, and +bobcat-scratched-and-bit-and-clawed, till you could not see a cussed +thing in that cabin but blur. And of all the hissing and squawking and +screeching and yelling and snapping and roaring and growling you or any +other man ever heard, that was the darndest. I took a look at the +visitor. He'd got off his horse and was standing in the doorway with +his hands spread out. His face expressed nothing at all, very +forcible. Meanwhile, things were boilin' for fair; cook-stove, +frying-pans, stools, boxes, saddles, tin cans, bull-snakes, hawks, +bob-cats, and bulldogs simply floated in the air. +</P> + +<P> +"'I wish you'd tell me what has busted loose, Red Saunders!' howls old +Wind-River in an injured tone of voice; 'and whether I shell shoot or +sha'n't I?' +</P> + +<P> +"There come a second's lull. I see Judge Jenkins on the dog's back, +his talents sunk to the hock, whilst he had hold of an ear with his +bill, pullin' manfully. Tommy had swallered the dog's stumpy tail, and +Bob was dragging hair out of the enemy like an Injun dressing hides. +</P> + +<P> +"A bulldog is like an Irishman; he's brave because he don't know any +better, and you can't get any braver than that, but there's a limit, +even to lunk-headedness. It bored through that dog's thick skull that +he had butted into a little bit the darndest hardest streak of +petrified luck that anything on legs could meet with. +</P> + +<P> +"'By-by,' says he to himself. 'Out doors will do for me!' And here he +come! Neither the visitor nor me was expecting him. He blocked the +feet out from under us and sat his master on top. We got up in time to +see a winged bulldog, with a tail ten foot long, bounding merrily over +the turf, searching his soul for sounds to tell how scart he was, +whilst a desperate bob-cat, spitting fire and brimstone, threw dirt +fifty foot in the air trying to lay claws on him." +</P> + +<A NAME="img-016"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-016.jpg" ALT="Searching soul for sounds to tell how scart he was" BORDER="2" WIDTH="527" HEIGHT="379"> +<H3> +[Illustration: Searching soul for sounds to tell how scart he was] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"As they disappeared over the first rise I rolls me a cigarette and +lights it slowly. +</P> + +<P> +"'Just by way of curiosity,' says I; 'how much will you take for your +dog?' +</P> + +<P> +"'My Heavens!' says he, recovering the power of speech. 'What kind of +animal was that?' +</P> + +<P> +"'Come in,' says I, 'and take a drink—you need it.' +</P> + +<P> +"So we gathered up the ruins and tidied things some, while the new man +sipped his whiskey. +</P> + +<P> +"'My!' says he, of a sudden. 'I must go after my poor dog.' +</P> + +<P> +"I sort of warmed to him at that. 'Dog's all right,' says I. 'He'll +shake 'em loose and be home in no time. Now you tell me about them +sheep.' +</P> + +<P> +"'Sheep?' says he, putting his hand to his head. 'What was it about +sheep?' +</P> + +<P> +"'Hello in the house!' sings out Billy. 'The children's comin' home!' +</P> + +<P> +"We tumbled out. Sure enough, the warriors was returning. First come +the Judge, tougher than rawhide, half walking and half flying, his +wings spread out, 'cree-ing' to himself about bulldogs and their ways; +next come Bobby, still sputtering and swearing, and behind ambled +Thomas at a lively wriggle, a coy, large smile upon his face. +</P> + +<P> +"'Ur-r-roup! Roup!' sounds from the top of the rise. The family +halted and turned around, expectin' more pleasure, for there on the top +of the hill stood the terrible scart but still faithful bulldog calling +for his master to come away from that place quick, before he got +killed. But he had one eye open for safety, and when the family +stopped, he ducked down behind the hill surprisin'. +</P> + +<P> +"'Well, I must be going,' says the visitor. 'My name's Sett—Algernon +Alfred Sett—and I shall be over next week to talk to you about those +sheep.' +</P> + +<P> +"'Any time,' says I. 'We'll be here till we have to shovel snow to get +at the hay, from the look of things.' +</P> + +<P> +"'Well, I'm very anxious to have a good long talk with you about +sheep,' says he. 'I've been informed that you had a long experience in +that line in—er—Nevverdah——' +</P> + +<P> +"'Nevverdah?' says I. 'Oh!—Nevada. I beg your pardon—I've got in +the habit of pronouncing in that way. It wasn't Nevada, by the way—it +was Texas—but that's only a matter of a Europe or so. Yes, I met a +sheep or two in that country, I'm sorry to say.' +</P> + +<P> +"'I—er—think of engaging in the business, dontcher know,' says he, +relaxing into his first method of speech; 'and should like to consult +you professionally.' +</P> + +<P> +"'All right, sir!' says I. 'I'm one of the easiest men to consult west +of any place east. Can't you stay now and get the load off your mind?' +</P> + +<P> +"'Well—<I>no</I>,' he says to me very confidentially. 'You see, that dog +is a great pet of my wife's, and I'm also afraid she will be a little +worried by my long absence, so——' +</P> + +<P> +"'I see, sir—I see,' I answered him. 'Well, come around again and +we'll talk sheep.' +</P> + +<P> +"'Thank you—thank you <I>so</I> much,' says he, and pops up on his horse. +Then again, without any warning, he broke into a haw-haw-haw! as he +threw a glance at the family, who sat around eyeing him. 'You were +quite right about that <I>cat</I>, you know,' says he. 'Capital! Capital! +But a <I>little</I> rough on the dog.' And off he goes, bobbity-bob, +bobbity-bob. +</P> + +<P> +"'Where'd you tag that critter, Red?' says Wind-River. 'My mind's +wanderin'.' +</P> + +<P> +"'He comes down the draw much the graceful way he's going up it,' says +I. 'From where, and why how, I dunno. But I kind of like him against +my better instincts, Windy.' +</P> + +<P> +"Windy spit thoughtfully at a fly fifteen foot away. 'I shouldn't have +time to hate him much myself,' says he. +</P> + +<P> +"And there you are. That's how I met Brother Sett, and the Big Bend +Ranch stuck her head out of the shell." +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap02"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +Oscar's Chance, per Charley +</H3> + + +<P> +"Bhooooooorrr! Bhooooooooooooooorrrrr!" It was the hollow, +melancholy, wild beast-howl of a fog-horn. We were drifting upon a +tragic coast, where the great waves slipped up the cliffs noiselessly, +to disappear upon the other side. At the time, I was talking to a +person who had just been a sort of composite of several of my friends, +but was now a gaunt bay mule. "Isn't it co-o-ld?" I said to him, and +shivered. He looked me sternly in the eye. "Get up!" said he. The +vessel struck a rock and trembled violently. "Get up!" repeated the +mule, and there was a menace in his voice now. "Bhooooooooooorrrrr!" +moaned the fog-horn. This was dreadful. But worse followed. The +waters gathered themselves and rose into a peak, the mule sliding +swiftly to the apex, still holding me with his uncanny eyes. There +came a shock, and Oscar said, "For the Lord's sake, kid! They've been +braying away on that breakfast horn for the last five minutes. Hustle!" +</P> + +<P> +I found myself upon my hands and knees; in a cabin, all right, but the +cabin was on the prairie. I looked around, stupid with sleep. The +familiar sights met my eye—Oscar tiptoeing about, bow-legged, arms +spread like wings, drawing his breath through his teeth, after the +fashion of half-frozen people. Old Charley sat humped up in the +corner, sucking his cob pipe. The stove was giving forth a smell of +hot iron, and no heat, as usual. On it rested a wash-basin, wherein +some snow was melting for the morning ablutions. A candle projected a +sort of palpable yellow gloom into the grey icy morning air. I dressed +rapidly. As I slept in overcoat and cap, this was no great matter. A +pair of German socks and arctics completed my attire. Evidently I had +been put upon the floor by the hand of Oscar. For this, when Oscar +stretched his nether garment tight, in the act of washing his face, I +smote him upon the fulness thereof with a long plug of chewing tobacco. +"Aow!" he yelled, recurving like a bow and putting his hands to his +wound. Promptly we clinched and fell upon old Charley. To the floor +the three went, amid a shower of sparks from the cob pipe. "You dam +pesky kids!" said the angry voice of Charles (the timbre of that voice, +after travelling through four inches of nose, is beyond imitation). +"Get off'n me! Quit now! Stop yer blame foolin'!" +</P> + +<A NAME="img-022"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-022.jpg" ALT="Get off'n me!" BORDER="2" WIDTH="344" HEIGHT="461"> +<H3> +[Illustration: Get off'n me!] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +Oscar and I swallowed our giggles and rolled all over Charley. +"<I>Well</I>, by Jeeroosha!" came from the bottom of the heap in the tone of +one who has reached the breaking point of astonished fury. "I'm goin' +to do some shootin' when this is over—yes, sir, I won't hold back no +more—ef you boys don't git off'n me this minit, so help me Bob! I'll +bite yer!" +</P> + +<P> +This was a real danger, and we skipped off him briskly. "Why, +Charley," explained Oscar, "you see, we got so excited that we didn't +notice——" +</P> + +<P> +"There's Steve now," interrupted Charley, pointing with a long crooked +forefinger to the doorway. "Well, Steve! I'm glad you come. I just +want you to see the kind of goin's on there is here." Charles cleared +his throat and stuck his thumb in his vest. "F'r instance, this +mornin', I sittin' right there in that corner, not troublin' nobody, +when up gets that splay-footed, sprawlin', lumberin' bull-calf of an +Oscar, an' that mischievious, sawed-off little monkey of a Harry, and +they goes to pullin' and tusslin', and they jes' walks up and down on +me, same's if I was a flight of steps. Now, you know, Steve, I'm a man +of sagassity an' <I>ex</I>periunce, an' I ain't goin' to stand fur no such +dograsslin'. I felt like doin' them boys ser'us damage, but they're +young, and life spreads green and promisin' befo' 'em, like a banana +tree; consequently I prefer jus' to tell you my time is handed in." +</P> + +<P> +Charley was proudly erect. His arms stretched aloft. His one yellow +tooth rested on his lower lip; his face, the thickness and texture of a +much-worn leather pocketbook, showed a tinge of colour as the words +went to his head like wine. +</P> + +<P> +Steve looked at the floor. "Too bad, Charley; too bad," he said in +grave sympathy. "But probably we can fix it up. Now, as we have +company, would you mind hitting the breakfast trail?" +</P> + +<P> +"After I've made a few remarks," returned Charles haughtily. +</P> + +<P> +Steve dropped on a stool. "Sick your pup on," he said. Charley leaped +at the opportunity. +</P> + +<P> +"There <I>are</I> some things I sh'd like to mention," said he. We noted +with pleasure that he wore his sarcastic manner. "F'r instance, you +doubtless behold them small piles of snow on the floo', which has come +in through certain an' sundry holes in the wall that orter been chinked +last fall. Is it <I>my</I> place to chink them holes? The oldes' an' mose +<I>ex</I>periunced man in the hull cat-hop? I reckon otherwise. Then why +didn't they git chinked? Why is it that the snows and winds of an +outraged and jus'ly indignant Providence is allowed to introdoose +theirselves into this company unrebuked? +</P> + +<P> +"I have heard a' great deal, su', about the deadenin' effeck produced +upon man's vigger by a steady, reliable, so'thern climate. As a +citizen of the State of Texas fo' twenty years I repel the expersion +with scorn and hoomiliation. Nevertheless and notwithstanding, +'lowing' that to be the truth, did you encounter anything in this here +country to produce such an effeck? For Gawd's sake, su', if there's +anything in variety, a man livin' here orter lay holt of the grass +roots, fur fear he'd git so durn strong he couldn't stay on the face of +the yearth. Ef it ain't so sinful cold that yer ears'll drap off at a +touch, it's so hell-fire hot that a man's features melt all over his +face, and ef it ain't so solemn still that you're scart to death, the +wind'll blow the buttonholes outer yer clo's'. I have seen it do a +hull yearful of stunts in twenty-four hours, encludin' hot an' cold +weather, thunderstorms, drought, high water, and a blizzard. That +settles the climate question. Then what is it that has let them holes +go unchinked? I'll tell you, su'; it's nothin' more nor less than the +tinkerin', triflin', pettifoggin' dispersition of them two boys. +That's what makes it that there's mo' out-doors inside this bull-pen +than there is on the top of Chunkey Smith's butte; that's what makes it +I can't get up in the mornin' without having myself turned inter a +three-ringed circus. But I ain't the man to complain. Ef there's +anything that gums up the cards of life, it's a kicker; so jes' as one +man to another, I tells you what's wrong here and leaves you to figger +it out fer yerself." +</P> + +<P> +He glanced around on three grave faces with obvious satisfaction. His +wrath had dissipated in the vapour of words. "Nor they ain't such bad +boys, <I>as</I> boys, nuther," he concluded. +</P> + +<P> +"I will examine this matter carefully, Charles," said Steve. +</P> + +<P> +"I thank you, su'," responded Charley, with a courtly sweep of his hand. +</P> + +<P> +"Not at all," insisted Steve, with a duplicate wave. "I beg that you +won't mention it. And now, if you would travel toward the house——" +</P> + +<P> +"<I>Cer</I>tainly!" +</P> + +<P> +And out we went into North Dakota's congealed envelope, with the smoke +from the main-house chimney rising three hundred feet into the air, a +snow-white column straight as a mast, Charley stalking majestically +ahead, while we three floundered weakly behind him. +</P> + +<P> +"Ain't he the corker?" gasped Oscar. "When he gets to jumping sideways +among those four-legged words he separates me from my good intentions." +</P> + +<P> +"'With scorn and hoomiliation,'" quoted Steve, and stopped, overcome. +</P> + +<P> +"'I tells you what's the matter and leaves you to figger it out for +yourself,'" I added. Then Charley heard us. He turned and approached, +an awful frown upon his brow. +</P> + +<P> +"May I inquire what is the reason of this yere merriment?" he asked. +The manner was that of a man who proposed to find out. It sat on +Charley with so ludicrous a parody that we were further undone. Steve +raised his hands in deprecation, and spoke in a muffled voice that +broke at intervals. +</P> + +<P> +"Can't I laugh in my own backyard, Charley?" he said. "By the Lord +Harry, I <I>will</I> laugh inside my stakes! No man shall prevent me. The +Constitution of the United States, the Declaration of Independence, and +the Continental Congress give me the right. Now what have you got to +say?" +</P> + +<P> +"I dunno but what you have me whipsawed there, Steve," replied Charley, +scratching his head. "Ef it's your right by the Constitootion, o' +course I ain't goin' to object." +</P> + +<P> +"Do either of you object?" demanded Steve of Oscar and me in his +deepest bass. No, we didn't object; we fell down in the snow and +crowed like chanticleer. +</P> + +<P> +"Hunh!" snorted Charley. "Hunh! Them boys hain't got brains in their +heads at all—nothin' but doodle-bugs!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, Charley," continued Steve, "as you don't object, and they don't +object, and I don't object, for God's sake let's have breakfast!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'll go you, Steve," replied Charles seriously, and we entered the +house uproarious. +</P> + +<P> +There in the kitchen was Mrs. Steve and the "company," a pretty little +bright-eyed thing, whose colour went and came at a word—more +particularly if Oscar said the word. The affair was at present in the +formal state—the dawn of realisation that two such wonderful and +magnificent creatures as Oscar and Sally existed. But they were not +Oscar and Sally except in the dear privacy of their souls. Yet how +much that is not obvious to the careless ear can be put into "Will you +have a buckwheat cake, Mr. Kendall?" or "May I give you a helping of +the syrup, Miss Brown?" It took some preparation for each to get out +so simple a remark, and invariably the one addressed started guiltily, +and got crimson. It was the most uncomfortable rapture I ever saw, +However, they received very little plaguing. I can remember but one +hard hit. Oscar was pouring syrup upon Sally's cakes, his eyes fixed +upon a dainty hand, that shook under his gaze like a leaf. He forgot +his business. Steve looked at the inverted, empty syrup-cup for some +moments in silence. Then he said to his wife, "Emma, go and get Sally +a nice cupful of fresh air to put on her cakes; that that Oscar has in +the pitcher is stale by this time." +</P> + +<A NAME="img-028"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-028.jpg" ALT="The affair was at present in the formal state" BORDER="2" WIDTH="379" HEIGHT="527"> +<H3> +[Illustration: The affair was at present in the formal state] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +Oh, those cakes! And the ham! And the fried eggs and potatoes. We +lived like fighting cocks at Steve's, as happens on most of the small +ranches. The extreme glory of the prairie was not ours. We were +wood-choppers, hay-cutters, and farmers, as well as punchers; but what +we lost in romance, we made up in sustenance. No one ever saw a +biscuit suffering from soda-jaundice on Steve's table. And how, after +a night's sleep in a temperature of forty below zero, I would champ my +teeth on the path to breakfast! Eating was not an appetite in those +days—it was a passion. +</P> + +<P> +Charley and I went forth after breakfast, Oscar lingering a moment, +according to his use, to pass a painful five minutes in making excuses +for staying that time, where no one needed any explanation. +</P> + +<P> +"I wish to gracious Sally and Oscar would just act like people," said +Mrs. Steve once in exasperation. "They get me so nervous stammering at +each other that I drop everything I lay my hands on, and I feel as if +I'd robbed somebody for the rest of the day." +</P> + +<P> +The interview over, Oscar came out, burning with his own embarrassment, +and made a sore mess of everything he did for the next hour. A man +must have his mind about him on a ranch. +</P> + +<P> +Once upon a time Steve came to Charley and me, literally prancing. We +had heard oaths and yells and sounds of a battle royal previously, and +wondered what was going on. When he neared us he moved slowly, his +hands working like machinery. "I would like to know," he began, and +stopped to glare at us and grind his teeth. "I should like to know," +he continued, in a voice so weak with rage we could hardly hear it, +"who turned the red bull into number three corral." +</P> + +<P> +Charley and I went right on cleaning out the shed. We weren't going to +tell on Oscar. +</P> + +<P> +"So it's him again, heh?" shrieked Steve. "Well, now I propose to show +him something. I'll show him everything!" He was entirely beyond the +influence of reason and grammar. Charley had an ill-advised notion to +play the paternal. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, I'd cool down if I was you, Steve," he admonished. +</P> + +<P> +"You would, would you!" foamed Steve. "Well, who the devil cares what +you'd do, anyhow? And if you tell me to cool down just once more, I'll +drive you into the ground like a tent-pin." +</P> + +<P> +I jumped through the window, and then laughed, while Charley +administered his reproof with appropriate gestures. His long arms flew +in the air as he delivered the inspired address, Steve looking at him, +a bit of shamefacedness and fun showing through his heat. +</P> + +<P> +"An' mo' I tell you, Steven P. Hendricks!" rolled out Charley in +conclusion. "That this citizen of Texas, jus'ly and rightjus'ly called +the Lone Star State, has never yet experienced the feeling of bein' +daunted by face of man. No, su'! By God, su'!" He held the shovel +aloft like a sword. "Let 'em come as they will, male and female after +their kind, from a ninety poun' Jew peddler to Sittin' Bull himself, +and from a pigeon-toed Digger-Injun squaw to a fo'-hundred-weight Dutch +lady, I turn my back on none!" +</P> + +<P> +"You win, Charley," said Steve, and walked off. All Oscar caught out +of it was the request that when he felt like reducing the stock on the +ranch he'd take a rifle. +</P> + +<P> +Poor Oscar! All noble and heroic sentiments struggling within him, +with no outlet but a hesitating advancing of the theory that "if we +didn't get rain before long, the country'd be awful dry." Small wonder +that he burst out in the bull-pen one night with "I wish the Injuns +would jump this ranch!" +</P> + +<P> +"You do?" said Charley. "Well, durn your hide for that wish! What's +got into you to make you wish that?" +</P> + +<P> +"Aw!" said Oscar, twitching around on his stool, "I'm sick and tired of +not being able to say anything. If the Sioux got up, I could do +something." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, that's it," retorted Charles. "Well, Oscar, far's I can see, if +it's necessary to have a war-party of Injuns whoopin' an' yellin' an' +crow-hoppin' an' makin' fancywork out of people to give you the proper +start afore your gal, it'd be jes' as well for you to stay single the +res' of your days. The results wouldn't justify the trouble." +</P> + +<P> +Afterward Oscar told me in private that Charley was an old stiff, and +he didn't believe he'd make a chest at a grasshopper if the latter +spunked up any. That wronged old Charley. But Oscar must be +excused—he was a singularly unhappy man. +</P> + +<P> +To come back to what happened. Oscar that morning had the care of +Geronimo, a coal-black, man-eating stallion, a brute as utterly devoid +of fear as of docility. A tiger kills to eat, and occasionally for the +fun of it; that horse killed out of ferocity, and hate of every living +thing. +</P> + +<P> +A fearful beast is a bad horse. One really has more chance against a +tiger. Geronimo stood seventeen hands high, and weighed over sixteen +hundred pounds. When he reared on his hind legs and came for you, +screaming, his teeth snapping like bear-traps, his black mane flying, a +man seemed a pigmy. One blow from those front hoofs and your troubles +were over. Once down, he'd trample, bite, and kick until your own +mother would hesitate to claim the pile of rags and jelly left. He had +served two men so; nothing but his matchless beauty saved his life. +</P> + +<P> +Nowhere could one find a better example of hell-beautiful than when he +tore around his corral in a tantrum, as lithe and graceful as a black +panther. His mane stood on end; his eyes and nostrils were of a +colour; the muscles looked to be bursting through the silken gloom of +his coat. His swiftness was something incredible. He caught and most +horribly killed Jim Baxter's hound before the latter could get out of +the corral—and a bear-hound is a pretty agile animal. We had to tie +Jim, or he'd made an end of Geronimo. He left the ranch right after +that. The loss of his dog broke him all up. +</P> + +<P> +We fed and watered Geronimo with a pitchfork, and in terror then, for +his slyness and cunning were on a par with his other pleasant +peculiarities. One of the poor devils he killed entered the stable all +unsuspecting. Geronimo had broken his chains, and stood close against +the wall of his stall in the darkness, waiting. The man came within +reach. Suddenly a black mass of flesh flashed in the air above him, +coming down with all four hoofs—and that's enough of that story. +</P> + +<P> +A nice pet was Geronimo. An excellent decoration for a gentleman's +stable—stuffed. +</P> + +<P> +Well, Oscar turned him out this morning, and then he, Steve, and I went +for hay. As it was toward the last of winter, all the near stacks had +been used up, and we had to haul from Kennedy's bottom, eight miles +away. When we started, the air was still and frozen, with a deep, +biting cold unusual to Dakota; the sort that searches you and steals +all the heat you own. We were numb by the time we reached the stack, +and glad enough to have warm work to do. We fell to it with a rush for +that reason, and because a dull grey blink upon the western skyline +seemed to promise a blizzard. We were tying down the last load, when I +heard the hum of wind coming, and looked up, expecting to see a wall of +flying snow, and continued looking, seeing nothing of the kind. There +I stood, in the air of an ice-house, when a gust of that wind struck +me. A miracle! In a snap of your fingers I was bathed in genial +warmth. All about me rode the scent of spring and flowers! It was as +if the doors of a giant conservatory were thrown open. +</P> + +<P> +"Chinook, boys! Chinook!" I called, casting down my fork. They ran +from the lee of the stack, throwing their coats open, drinking it in +and laughing, for, man! we were weary of winter! First it came in +puffs, at length settling down to a steady breeze, as of the sea. The +sun, that in the early morning was no more than a pale effigy, poured +on us a heart-warming fire. We hustled for home, knowing that the +Chinook would make short work of the snow. In fact, we had not covered +more than half the distance before the prairie began to show brown here +and there, where it lay thin between mountainous drifts. We sang and +howled all the way to the sheds, feeling fine. +</P> + +<P> +Here Steve left us, to go to the house, while Oscar and I unloaded the +sleighs. +</P> + +<P> +Suddenly I felt uncomfortable, for no reason in this world. The land +about us was rejoicing with the booming of that kind, warm wind, yet a +sharp uneasiness stopped me and forced me to raise my head. For +three-quarters of a circle nothing met my eyes but the vanishing +snow-drifts. I reached the house; nothing wrong there. Steve was +walking briskly out toward us, smoking his pipe. Then the corrals—all +right, number one, two, three, four—Lord have mercy! +</P> + +<P> +"Oscar!" I shrieked, and snatched him to his feet. He rose, bewildered +and half angry, then looked to where I pointed. +</P> + +<P> +Through the centre of number four corral tripped Sally, dear little +timid Sally, glad to be out in this lovely air, her eyes and mind on +Oscar doubtless, and in the same corral, shut off from her sight by a +projection of the sheds, stood Geronimo. And he saw her, too, for as +she waved a hand to us, he bared his great teeth and clashed them +together. The earth seemed to rock and sink from me. Every soul on +the ranch was told to keep away from the corral with the two buffalo +skulls over the gates, a warning sufficiently big and gruesome to stop +anyone. What fatal lapse of memory had struck the girl? +</P> + +<P> +She was beyond help. We were all of two hundred yards away, and Steve +still farther; she was not a quarter of that from the brute. If we +shouted, if we moved, we might bring her end upon her—and such an end! +When I thought of that dainty, pretty little woman beneath those hoofs, +I felt a hideous sickness. The man beside me said, "My God! My +mistake!" A corral opened on each side of the box stall in which +Geronimo was confined. One of these was usually empty, a reserve. It +was into this that Oscar had turned the horse. The other was the +corral of the skulls. +</P> + +<P> +Geronimo leaped out. The girl halted, stark, open-mouthed, every sign +of life stricken from her at a blow. Geronimo sprang high and snapped +at nothing, in evil play before the earnest. It was horrible. We +could do neither harm nor good now, so we ran for the spot. It was +down hill from us to them. I doubt that anything on two legs ever +covered distance as we did, for all the despair. Geronimo reared and +stood upon his hind feet, as straight as a man. He advanced, striking, +looming above his victim. "All over," I thought, and tried to take my +eyes away. I could not. +</P> + +<P> +At that instant a white-hatted, gaunt, tall figure rushed from the +stable door, a shovel in its hand, straight between the girl and her +destruction. There he stood, with his partly weapon raised, +unflinching. An oath came to my lips and a hot spot to my throat at +the sight. No eye ever saw a braver thing. +</P> + +<P> +At this, a dip in the ground and the eight-foot fence of the corral +shut out all within. God knows how we got over that fence. I swear I +think we leaped it. I have no memory of climbing, but I do recall +landing on the other side in a swoop. +</P> + +<P> +Geronimo had old Charley in his teeth, shaking him like a rat. +</P> + +<P> +"Steve!" I called, "Steve!" And then Oscar and I charged at the wicked +brute with our pitchforks. All that followed is a tangled, bad dream +of hurry, fear, yells, oaths, and myself stabbing, stabbing, stabbing +with the pitchfork. Then a gun cracked somewhere, a black mass toppled +toward me that knocked me sprawling—and all was still. I sat for a +moment, smiling foolishly and fumbling for my hat. Steve raised me by +the arm. He still had his revolver in his hand, and his glance on the +dead stallion. He asked me if I was hurt, and I said yes. He asked me +where, and I said that made no difference. Then, as I came to a little +more, I said I guessed I wasn't hurt, and looked around. Oscar had +Sally in his arms. The tears were running down his cheeks, and he +moved his head from side to side, like a man in agony. Her head was +buried in his breast, her hands locked around his neck. It was well +with them, evidently. But limp upon the ground, his forehead varnished +red, lay old Charley. +</P> + +<P> +We turned him over tenderly, wiping the blood away. Steve's lips +quivered as he put his hand on the old man's heart. He kept it there a +long time. Then he said huskily, "He's gone!" At the words the sound +eye of the victim popped open with a suddenness that made my heart +throw a somersault. It was as sane, calm, and undisturbed an optic as +ever regarded the world. +</P> + +<P> +"G-a-w-n H—l!" said Charley. +</P> + +<P> +We laughed and wiped our eyes with our coat sleeves, and got the old +boy to his feet. +</P> + +<P> +"Same old Texas," said he, feeling of his head (the hoof had scraped, +instead of smashing), "slightly disfiggered, but still in the ring." +</P> + +<P> +He caught sight of the lovers. "Hello!" he said. "Oscar's made his +ante good at last—bad hawse works as well as Injuns." We started to +lead him by the pair. +</P> + +<P> +"Naw, boys," he commanded. "Take me 'round 't'uther way. That gal +don't want to see me now, all bloody and mussed up like this." +</P> + +<P> +It was useless to attempt making a hero of Charley. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap03"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +Billy the Buck +</H3> + + +<P> +I fancy I assume an impregnable position in saying that real poetry is +truth, presented in its most vivid and concise form. If the statement +stands, I request that every line of English verse containing the words +"Timid deer," or referring in any way to a presumed gentle, trusting, +philanthropic disposition in the beast, be at once revised or +expurgated. I shall not except the works of William Shakespeare. When +the melancholy Jaques speaks of one of these ferocious animals, saying, +"The big round tears coursed one another down his innocent nose in +piteous chase," I believe Jaques lied; or, if he lied not, and the +phenomenon occurred as reported, that the tears were tears of rage +because the deer could not get at Jaques, and as an extension, if he +had gotten at Jaques, he would have given said Jaques some cold facts +to be contemplative about. After my experience, if I should see any +misguided person making friendly advances to one of these horned +demons, I should cry, "Whoa!" as Cassandra did to the wood horse of the +Greeks, and probably with the same result. They would not falter until +they had gathered bitter experience with their own hands. +</P> + +<P> +Why? This is why. One day, when I was working on a Dakota ranch, the +boss, a person by the name of Steve, urged me to take an axe, go forth, +and chop a little wood, which I did. +</P> + +<P> +The weather was ideal. A Dakota fall. Air vital with the mingled +pleasant touch of frost and sun, like ice-cream in hot coffee, and +still as silence itself. I had a good breakfast, was in excellent +health and spirits; the boss could by no means approach within a mile +unperceived, and everything pointed to a pleasant day. But, alas! as +the Copper-lined Killelu-bird of the Rockies sings, "Man's hopes rise +with the celerity and vigour of the hind leg of the mule, only to +descend with the velocity of a stout gentleman on a banana peel." +</P> + +<P> +On reaching the grove of cottonwoods I sat down for a smoke and a +speculative view of things in general, having learned at my then early +age that philosophy is never of more value than when one should be +doing something else. +</P> + +<P> +I heard a noise behind me, a peculiar noise, between a snort and a +violent bleat. Turning, I saw a buck deer, and, from the cord and bell +around his neck, recognised him as one Billy, the property of Steve's +eldest boy. He was spoken of as a pet. +</P> + +<P> +This was the touch needed to complete my Arcadia; the injection of +what, at the time, I considered to be poetry into the excellent prose +of open air life. Who could see that graceful, pretty creature, and +remain unmoved? Not I, at all events. I fancied myself as a knight of +old in the royal forest, which gave a touch of the archaic to my +speech. "Come here, thou sweet-eyed forest child!" I cried, and here +he came! At an estimate I should say that he was four axe-handles, or +about twelve feet high, as he upended himself, brandished his antlers, +and jumped me. My axe was at a distance. I moved. I played knight to +king's bishop's eighth, in this case represented by a fork of the +nearest tree. A wise and subtle piece of strategy, as it resulted in a +drawn game. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-045"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-045.jpg" ALT=""A wise and subtle piece of strategy"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="379" HEIGHT="527"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "A wise and subtle piece of strategy"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +My friend stood erect for a while, making warlike passes with his front +feet (which, by the way, are as formidable weapons as a man would care +to have opposed to him); then, seeing that there was no sporting blood +in me, he devoured my lunch and went away—a course I promptly imitated +as far as I could; I departed. +</P> + +<P> +Hitherto, I had both liked and admired Steve. His enormous strength, +coupled with an unexpected agility and an agreeable way he had of +treating you as if you were quite his own age, endeared him to me. +When I poured out my troubles to him, however, rebuking him for +allowing such a savage beast to be at large, he caused my feelings to +undergo a change. For, instead of sympathising, he fell to uproarious +laughter, slapped his leg, and swore that it was the best thing he'd +ever heard of, and wished he'd been there to see it. +</P> + +<P> +I concluded, judicially, that Steve had virtues, but that he was at the +last merely a very big man of coarse fibre. Perhaps I had been a +little boastful previously concerning my behaviour under trying +circumstances. If so, I was well paid out for it. That night I had +the pleasure of listening to an account of my adventures, spiced with +facetious novelties of Steve's invention, such as that my cries for +help were audible to the house, and only the fact that he couldn't tell +from which direction they came prevented Steve from rushing to my +rescue, and that all the deer wanted was my lunch, anyhow. I wished I +had kept the lunch episode to myself. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-047"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-047.jpg" ALT=""An account of my adventures"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="363" HEIGHT="392"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "An account of my adventures"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +There are probably no worse teases on earth than the big boys who chase +the cow on the Western prairies. They had "a horse on the kid," and +the poor kid felt nightmare ridden indeed. If I were out with them, +someone would assume an anxious look and carefully scout around a bunch +of grass in the distance, explaining to the rest that there might be a +deer concealed there, and one could not be too careful when there were +wild beasts like that around. Then the giggling rascals would pass the +suspected spot with infinite caution, perhaps breaking into a gallop, +with frightened shrieks of "The deer! The deer!" while I tried to look +as if I liked it, and strove manfully to keep the brine of +mortification from rolling down my cheeks. +</P> + +<P> +I didn't let my emotions take the form of words, because I had wit +enough to know that I could not put a better barrier between myself and +a real danger than those husky lads of the leather breeches and white +hats. For all that, I had a yearning to see one of them encounter the +deer at his worst. I did not wish anyone hurt, and was so confident of +their physical ability that I did not think anyone would be; but I felt +that such an incident would strengthen their understanding. +</P> + +<P> +This thing came to pass, and, of all people, on my arch-enemy, Steve. +If I had had the arrangement of details, I could not have planned it +better. Because of my tender years, the light chores of the ranch fell +to my share. One day everyone was off, leaving me to chink up the +"bull-pen," or men's quarters, with mud, against the cold of +approaching winter. Steve had taken his eldest boy on a trip to pick +out some good wood. +</P> + +<P> +Presently arrived the boy, hatless, running as fast as he could tear, +the breath whistling in his lungs. "Come <I>quick</I>!" was the message. +It seems the deer had followed the couple, and when the boy fooled with +his old playmate, the deer knocked him down and would have hurt him +badly, but that his father instantly jumped into the fray and grabbed +the animal by the horns, with the intention of twisting his head off. +The head was fastened on more firmly than Steve supposed. What he did +not take at all into account was that the buck was both larger and +stronger than he. Though raised on a bottle, Billy was by long odds +the largest deer I ever saw. +</P> + +<P> +Steve got the surprise of his life. The battle was all against him. +The best he could hope to do was to hold his own until help arrived; so +he sent the boy off hotfoot. Although his power for a short exertion +was great, Steve was in no kind of training, having allowed himself to +fatten up, and being an inordinate user of tobacco. Per contra, the +deer felt freshened and invigorated by exertion. That's the deuce of +it with an animal—<I>he</I> doesn't tire. +</P> + +<P> +I knew that Steve was in plenty trouble, or he wouldn't have sent for +help. The boy's distress denied the joke I suspected; I grabbed a rope +and made for the grove, the boy trailing me. I should have gotten a +gun, but I didn't think of it. +</P> + +<P> +Those were the days when I could run; when it was exhilaration to sail +over the prairie. The importance of my position as rescuer—which +anyone who has been a boy will understand—lent springs to my feet. +</P> + +<P> +It was well for Steve that mine were speedy legs. When I got there his +face was grey and mottled, like an old man's, and his mouth had a weak +droop, very unlike devil-may-care Steve. The two had pawed up the +ground for rods around in the fight; the deer's horns, beneath where +the man gripped them, were wet with the blood of his torn palms. +Steve's knees, arms, and head were trembling as if in an ague fit. He +was all in—physically; but the inner man arose strong above defeat. +"Here's—your—deer—Kid!" he gasped. "I—kept—him—for you!" +</P> + +<A NAME="img-052"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-052.jpg" ALT=""'Here's--your--deer--Kid,' he gasped"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="368" HEIGHT="459"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "'Here's—your—deer—Kid,' he gasped"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +I yelled to him to hold hard for one second, took a running jump, and +landed on Mr. Buck's flank with both feet. It was something of a +shock. Over went deer, man, and boy. I was on my pins in a jiffy, +snapped the noose over the deer's hind legs, tangled him up anyhow in +the rest of the riata, and snubbed him to the nearest tree. Then Steve +got up and walked away to where he could be ill with comfort. And he +was good and sick. +</P> + +<P> +When he felt better, he arose and opened his knife, swearing that he +would slit that critter's throat from ear to ear; but Steve, junior, +plead so hard for the life of his pet that Big Steve relented, and Mr. +Billy Buck was saved for further mischief. +</P> + +<P> +That afternoon two of us rode out and roped him, "spreading" him +between us as we dragged him home. He fought every step of the way. +My companion, a hot-headed Montana boy, was for killing him a +half-dozen times. However, feeling that the deer had vindicated me, I +had a pride in him, and kept him from a timely end. We turned him +loose in a corral with a blooded bull-calf, some milch cows, +work-steers, and other tame animals. "And I bet you he has 'em all +chewing the rag inside of twenty-four hours," said my companion. +</P> + +<P> +That night Steve made ample amend for his former mirth. Indeed, he +praised my fleetness and promptness of action so highly that I was +seized by an access of modesty as unexpected as it was disorganising. +</P> + +<P> +The next day Steve stood on the roof of the shed at the end of Billy +Buck's corral. Suddenly he straightened up and waved his hat. "Deer +and bull fight!" he called. "Come a-running everybody!" We dropped +our labours and sprinted for the corral, there to sit upon the shed and +watch the combat. Steve didn't know what began the trouble, but when I +got there the young bull was facing the deer, his head down, blowing +the dust in twin clouds before him, hooking the dirt over his back in +regular righting bull fashion, and anon saying, "Bh-ur-ur-ooor!" in an +adolescent basso-profundo, most ridiculously broken by streaks of +soprano. When these shrill notes occurred the little bull rolled his +eyes around, as much as to say "Who did that?" and we, swinging our +legs on the shed roof, laughed gleefully and encouraged him to sail in. +</P> + +<P> +His opponent watched this performance with a carriage of the head +which, for superciliousness, I never have seen equaled in man, woman, +or beast. His war-cry was a tinny bleat: the cry of a soul bursting +with sardonic merriment. It was like the Falstaffian laughter of the +duck, without its ring of honesty. +</P> + +<P> +The bull, having gone through the preliminaries of his code, cocked his +tail straight in the air and charged. The buck waited until he was +within three feet; then he shot sideways, and shot back again, his +antlers beating with a drum-stick sound on the bull's ribs. "Baw-aw!" +said the bull. Probably that hurt. Again bull faced buck. This time +the bovine eye wore a look of troubled wonderment, while one could mark +an evil grin beneath the twitching nose of his antagonist; and his +bleat had changed to a tone which recalled the pointing finger and +unwritable "H'nh-ha!" that greets misfortune in childhood. "I told you +so!" it said. The bull, however, is an animal not easily discouraged. +Once more he lowered his foolish head and braved forth like a +locomotive. +</P> + +<P> +But it would take too long to tell all the things Billy Buck did to +that bull. He simply walked all over him and jabbed and raked and +poked. Away went the bull, his erstwhile proudly erect tail slewed +sideways, in token of struck colours—a sign of surrender disregarded +by his enemy, who thought the giving of signals to cease fighting a +prerogative of his office. Away went the old cows and the work-steers +and the horses, in a thundering circuit of the corral, the horned stock +bawling in terror, and Billy Buck "boosting" every one of them +impartially. We cheered him. +</P> + +<P> +"Gad! I'm glad I didn't slit his windpipe!" said Steve. "He's a +corker!" +</P> + +<P> +Billy drove his circus parade around about six times before his proud +soul was satisfied. Then he took the centre of the ring, and bellowed +a chant of victory in a fuller voice than he had given before, while +the other brutes, gathered by the fence, looked at him in stupefaction. +</P> + +<P> +Only once more did Billy Buck figure in history before he left us for a +larger field in town, and on this occasion, for the first and last time +in his career, he got the worst of it. +</P> + +<P> +A lone Injun came to the ranch—a very tall, grave man, clad in +comic-picture clothes. A battered high hat surmounted his block of +midnight hair, and a cutaway coat, built for a man much smaller around +the chest, held his torso in bondage. As it was warm on the day he +arrived, he had discarded his trousers—a breech-clout was plenty +leg-gear, he thought. He bore a letter of recommendation from a white +friend. +</P> + +<P> +"Plenty good letter—<I>leela ouashtay ota</I>," said he, as he handed the +missive over. I read it aloud for the benefit of the assembled ranch. +It ran: +</P> + +<P> +"This is Jimmy-hit-the-bottle, the worst specimen of a bad tribe. He +will steal anything he can lift. If he knew there was such a thing as +a cemetery, he'd walk fifty miles to rob it. Any citizen wishing to do +his country a service will kindly hit him on the head with an axe. +</P> + +<P> +"JACK FORSYTHE." +</P> + +<P> +</P> + +<P> +"Plenty good letter—<I>ota</I>!" cried the Injun, his face beaming with +pride. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-059"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-059.jpg" ALT=""Jimmy-hit-the-bottle"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="349" HEIGHT="504"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "Jimmy-hit-the-bottle"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +I coughed, and said it was indeed vigorous; Steve and the boys fled the +scene. Now, we knew that Jimmy was a good Injun, or he wouldn't have +had any letter at all; that great, grave face, coupling the seriousness +of childhood and of philosophy, simply offered an irresistible +temptation to the writer of the letter. There was something pathetic +in the way the gigantic savage folded up his treasure and replaced it +in his coat. I think Forsythe would have weakened had he seen it. +Still, after we laughed, we felt all the better disposed toward Jimmy, +so I don't know but it was a good form of introduction after all. +Jimmy was looking for work, a subject of research not general to the +Injun, but by no means so rare as his detractors would make out. He +got it. The job was to clean out Billy Buck's corral. Steve found +employment for the hands close to home for the day, that no one should +miss the result. It is always business first on the ranch, and a +practical joke takes precedence over other labours. Steve hung around +the corral, where he could peek through the chinks. Hoarse whispers +inquiring "Anything up yet?" were for so long answered in the negative, +that it seemed the day had been in vain. At last the welcome shout +rang out, "Injun and deer fight! Everybody run!" We flew, breathless +with anticipatory chuckles. We landed on top of the shed, to witness +an inspiring scene—one long-legged, six-foot-and-a-half Injun, +suitably attired in a plug hat, cutaway coat, breech-clout, and +mocassins, grappling in mortal combat a large and very angry deer. The +arena and the surrounding prairie were dreaming in a flood of mellow +autumn light. It was a day on which the sun scarce cast a shadow, yet +everything sent back his rays clearly, softened and sweetened, like the +answer of an echo. It was a day for great deeds, such as were enacted +before us; steel-strung frame pitted against steel-strung frame; +bottomless endurance against its equal. And never were such jumpings, +such prancings, such wild wavings of legs beheld by human eyes before. +You cannot beat it into people's heads that the horned critters are the +lords of brute creation; yet it is the fact. A bull chased a lion all +around the ring in the arena in Mexico, finally killing him with one +blow. In Italy they shut a buck deer and a tiger in a cage. There was +a brief skirmish, and the tiger slunk to the corner of the cage, +howling. +</P> + +<P> +Splendid was the exhibition of strength and agility we looked upon, +but, alas! its poetry was ripped up the back by the cutaway coat, the +plug hat, and the unrelated effect of those long, bare red legs +twinkling beneath. +</P> + +<P> +Indirectly it was the plug hat that ended the battle. At first, if +Jimmy-hit-the-bottle felt any emotion, whether joy, resentment, terror, +or anything man can feel, his face did not show it. One of the +strangest features of the show was that immaculately calm face suddenly +appearing through the dust-clouds, unconscious of storm and stress. At +last, however, a yank of the deer's head—Jimmy had him by the +horns—caused the plug hat to snap off, and the next second the deer's +sharp foot went through it. You will remember Achilles did not get +excited until his helmet touched the dust. Well, from what the cold, +pale light of fact shows of the size and prowess of those ancient +swaggerers, Jimmy-hit-the-bottle could have picked Achilles up by his +vulnerable heel and bumped his brains out against a tree, and this +without strain; so when the pride of his life, his precious plug hat, +was thus maltreated, his rage was vast in proportion. His eyes shot +streaks of black lightning; he twisted the deer's head sideways, and +with a leap landed on his back. Once there, he seized an ear between +his strong teeth and shut down. We rose to our feet and yelled. It +was wonderful, but chaotic. I would defy a moving-picture camera to +resolve that tornado into its elements of deer and Injun. We were +conscious of curious illusions, such as a deer with a dozen heads +growing out of all parts of a body as spherical as this, our earth, and +an Injun with legs that vetoed all laws of gravitation and anatomy. +</P> + +<P> +Poor Billy Buck! He outdid the wildest of our pitching horses for a +half minute; but the two hundred and odd pounds he had on his back +told—he couldn't hold the gait. Jimmy wrapped those long legs around +him—the deer's tail in one hand, the horn in the other, and the ear +between his teeth—and waited in grim determination. "Me-ah-a-aaaa!" +said the deer, dropping to his knees. +</P> + +<P> +Jimmy got off him. Billy picked himself up and scampered to the other +end of the corral, shaking his head. +</P> + +<P> +The Injun straightened himself up, making an effort to draw a veil of +modesty over the pride that shone in his eyes. +</P> + +<P> +"H-nh!" he said. "Fool deer tackle Tatonka Sutah!" ("Tatonka-Sutah," +or Strong Bull, was the more poetic title of Jimmy-hit-the-bottle among +his own kind.) +</P> + +<P> +He then gravely punched his plug hat into some kind of shape and +resumed his work. +</P> + +<P> +We pitched in and bought Jimmy a shiny new plug hat which—which will +lead me far afield if I don't drop the subject. +</P> + +<P> +Well, he was master of Mr. Billy Buck. When he entered the corral, the +deer stepped rapidly up to the farther corner and stayed there. +</P> + +<P> +Now came the broadening of Billy's career. A certain man in our +nearest town kept a hotel near the railroad depot. For the benefit of +the passengers who had to stop there a half-hour for meals and +recreation, this man had a sort of menagerie of the animals natural to +the country. There was a bear, a mountain lion, several coyotes, +swifts, antelope, deer, and a big timber wolf, all in a wire +net-enclosed park. +</P> + +<P> +It so happened that Steve met Mr. D——, the hotel proprietor, on one +of his trips to town, and told him what a splendid deer he had out at +the ranch. Mr. D—— became instantly possessed of a desire to own the +marvel, and a bargain was concluded on the spot. Billy by this time +had shed his horns, and was all that could be wished for in the way of +amiability. We tied his legs together, and shipped him to town in a +waggon. +</P> + +<P> +Steve did not trick Mr. D——. He told him plainly that the deer was a +dangerous customer, and that to be careful was to retain a whole skin; +but the hotel proprietor, a little, fat, pompous man with a big bass +voice—the kind of a man who could have made the world in three days +and rested from the fourth to the seventh, inclusive, had it been +necessary—thought he knew something of the deer character. "That +beautiful creature, with its mild eyes and humble mien, hurt anyone? +Nonsense!" So he had a fine collar made for Billy, with his name on a +silver plate, and then led him around town at the end of a chain, being +a vain little man, who liked to attract attention by any available +means. All worked well until the next fall. Mr. D—— was lulled into +false security by the docility of his pet, and allowed him the freedom +of the city, regardless of protest. Then came the spectacular end of +Billy's easy life. It occurred on another warm autumn day. The +passengers of the noon train from the East were assembled in the hotel +dining-room, putting away supplies as fast as possible, the train being +late. The room was crowded; the darkey waiters rushing; Mr. D—— +swelling with importance. Billy entered the room unnoticed in the +general hurry. A negro waiter passed him, holding two loaded trays. +Perhaps he brushed against Billy; perhaps Billy didn't even need a +provocation; at any rate, as the waiter started down the room, Billy +smote him from behind, and dinner was served! +</P> + +<P> +When the two tray-loads of hot coffee, potatoes, soup, chicken, and the +rest of the bill of fare landed all over the nearest table of guests, +there was a commotion. Men leaped to their feet with words that showed +they were no gentlemen, making frantic efforts to wipe away the +scalding liquids trickling over them. The ladies shrieked and were +tearful over the ruin of their pretty gowns. Mr. D——, on the spot +instantly, quieted his guests as best he could on the one hand, and +berated the waiter for a clumsy, club-footed baboon on the other. +Explanation was difficult, if not impossible. Arms flew, hard words +flew; the male guests were not backward in adding their say. Then, +even as I had been before, the coloured man was vindicated. Suddenly +two women and a man sprang on top of the table and yelled for help. +Mr. D—— looked upon them open-mouthed. The three on top of the table +clutched one another, and howled in unison. Mr. D——'s eye fell on +Billy, crest up, war-like in demeanour, and also on a well-dressed man +backing rapidly under the table. +</P> + +<P> +A flash of understanding illumined Mr. D——. The deer, evidently, +felt a little playful; but it would never do, under the circumstances. +"Come here, sir!" he commanded. Billy only lived to obey such a +command, as I have shown. But this time Mr. D—— recognised a +difference, and went about like a crack yacht. He had intentions of +reaching the door. Billy cut off retreat. Mr. D—— thought of the +well-dressed man, and dived under the table. Those who had stood +uncertain, seeing this line of action taken by one who knew the customs +of the country, promptly imitated him. The passengers of the Eastern +express were ensconced under the tables, with the exception of a +handful who had preferred getting on top of them. +</P> + +<P> +Outside, three cow punchers, who chanced to be riding by, were +perfectly astonished by the noises that came from that hotel. They +dismounted and investigated. When they saw the feet projecting from +beneath the cloths, and the groups in statuesque poses above, they +concluded not to interfere, although strongly urged by the victims. +"You are cowards!" cried the man with the two women. The punchers +joyfully acquiesced, and said, "Sick 'em, boy!" to the deer. +</P> + +<P> +Meanwhile, the express and the United States mail were waiting. The +conductor, watch in hand, strode up and down the platform. +</P> + +<P> +"What do you suppose they're doing over there?" he asked his brakeman. +</P> + +<P> +The brakeman shrugged his shoulders. "Ask them punchers," he replied. +</P> + +<P> +The conductor lifted his voice. "What's the matter?" he called. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, come and see! Come and see!" said the punchers. "It's too good +to tell.'" +</P> + +<P> +The conductor shut his watch with a snap. +</P> + +<P> +"Five minutes late," he said. "Pete, go and hustle them people over +here. I start in three minutes by the watch." +</P> + +<P> +"Sure," said Pete, and slouched across. Pete was surprised at the +sight that met his gaze, but orders were orders. He walked up and +kicked Billy, at the same time shouting "All aboard for the West! Git +a wiggle on yer!" +</P> + +<P> +The man owed his life to the fact that the deer could get no foothold +on the slippery hardwood floor. As it was, Billy tried to push, and +his feet shot out; man and deer came to the floor together, the +brakeman holding hard. The passengers boiled out of the hotel like a +mountain torrent. The punchers, thinking the brakeman in danger, +sprang through the window and tied the deer. Pete gasped his thanks +and hustled out. No one was left but Billy, the punchers, the darkey +waiters, and Mr. D——. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-067"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-067.jpg" ALT="The punchers to the rescue" BORDER="2" WIDTH="357" HEIGHT="358"> +<H3> +[Illustration: The punchers to the rescue] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"This your deer?" inquired the punchers of the latter. +</P> + +<P> +"It is," said Mr. D——. "Take him out and hang him—don't shoot +him—hang him!" +</P> + +<P> +"All right," replied the punchers. They took Billy out and turned him +loose in the deer-pen. +</P> + +<P> +"Reckon the old man'll feel better about it to-morrow," they said. +</P> + +<P> +And it came to pass that the old man did feel better; so Billy was +spared. Perhaps if you have travelled to the West you have seen him—a +noble representative of his kind. Well, this is his private history +which his looks belie. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap04"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +The Demon in the Canon +</H3> + +<BR> + +<P CLASS="poem"> +"<I>I know not where the truth may be;<BR> +I tell the tale as 'twas told to me.</I>"<BR> +<SPAN STYLE="margin-left: 2em">(Probable misquotation of old couplet.)</SPAN><BR> +</P> + +<BR> + +<P> +There was once an earnest missionary who went to the trouble of +learning the Sioux language, in order to be of more use in his chosen +field. He spoke it with a strong Boston accent. One day he laboured +with a big Uncapapa brave long and eagerly. The Injun listened to all +he had to say. When at great length silence fell, the Redman spoke. +</P> + +<P> +"Have you any tobacco?" said he. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, no!" returned the missionary. +</P> + +<P> +"Hungh! So long!" said the Injun, and rode away on a trot. +</P> + +<P> +Now, there may be those who will object that the plain, unvarnished +tale of my friend "Hy" Smith, which follows, is lacking in the robust +qualities that truth alone can bring; to them I recommend the attitude +of the Injun. But I must add this: Heaven forbid that I should have to +stand good for any of Hy's stories! Still, some of what I considered +his most outrageous lies afterward received strong and unexpected +confirmation. For instance, the manner in which he earned his +sobriquet of "Hydraulic" Smith I thought was pure fable, but no less a +man than his former employer said that it was fact in every essential. +Smith got his front name while working in a big hydraulic camp in +Idaho. He was nozzleman. One day in an unusually merry mood he turned +the monitor loose on a crowd of Chinamen who were working over tailings. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-070"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-070.jpg" ALT=""Hy" Smith" BORDER="2" WIDTH="379" HEIGHT="527"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "Hy" Smith] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"And if ever you saw felt shoes and pigtails flying in the air 'twas +then," said Hy. "It looked for all the world like Old Faithful had +spouted in a poll-parrot cage. I don't know why I done it, no more +than the man in the moon—it was one of them idees that takes hold of +you, and gets put through before you can more'n realise you're thinking +of it—but it was the greatest success of its kind I ever see. We had +a two-hundred-foot head of water and a six-inch stream, and I might say +that there was a yaller haze of Chinamen in the atmosphere for the next +ten seconds. I piped one Charley-boy right over the top of a +tool-shed. Well, our boss was a mighty kind-hearted man, and when that +crowd of spitting, foaming, gargling, gobbling Chinamen went to him, +and begun to pour out their troubles like several packs of +fire-crackers going off to oncet, waving all the arms and legs I hadn't +knocked out of commission, he was het up considerable. He never waited +to hear my side of the story, but just rolled up his pants and waded +into me up to the hocks; he read me my pedigree from Adam's wife's +sister down to now, and there wasn't a respectable person in it, +according to him. +</P> + +<P> +"I didn't like it, and I made a swipe for him with a shovel, but he was +too soople for me, and of all the lickings I ever got, that is the one +I don't want to remember the most: he did a sort of double-shuffle +fandango on my back, while he brought my legs into the argument with a +sluice rake. +</P> + +<P> +"When he asked me if I had had enough, I told him I thought it would do +for the present, because, as a matter of fact, if all I had more than +enough was money in the bank, I wouldn't have done no more work for the +rest of my days. +</P> + +<P> +"So then he calls me up and gives me my time, and I must say he treated +me square when he said good-bye. +</P> + +<P> +"'You're the best darn man on a monitor lever that I ever did see,' +says he, 'but anywheres else you're the foolest combine of small boy +and dare-devil, and some other queer thing that I don't seem to be able +to find a name for, that ever cumbered this earth. Now, get the —— +out of this, and good luck to you.' +</P> + +<P> +"I didn't feel a bit sorry for them Chinamen—they're only hairless +monkeys that don't even know enough to wear their tails in the right +place. Their arithmetic proves that. It's regular monkey figgering. +They haven't any numbers that look like numbers at all. Suppose you +want to multipy twenty-five by thirty-six, Chinee system? First you +put down a rooster's foot-track; that's twenty-five. Underneath that +goes the ground-plan of a small house; that's thirty-six. Then you +take an hour off, and work out the sum with a lot of little balls on +wires; then you put down the answer, and what do you think it is? Why, +it's a map of Chicago after the fire! Shucks! And they call +themselves men. I'd go old Job three boils to his one rather than have +any Chinks around me. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, the boys labelled me Hydraulic Smith from that on, and I went +prospecting. Took up with a feller named Agamemnon G. Jones. Aggy was +a big, fine-looking man, with a chest like a dry-goods box, and a set +of whiskers that would start him in business anywhere. They were the +upstandingest, noblest, straightforwardest outfit of whiskers I most +ever saw, and how they come to grow on Ag is a mystery; but they stood +him in many a dollar, now, I tell you that! +</P> + +<P> +"He was a man of pretty considerable education, in some ways, and he +could make you believe that to-day was last Thursday a week ago, if you +weren't on to him. At this time he was kind of under a cloud like +myself, and the way it come about was this: +</P> + +<P> +"He started an assay office when he first struck the gulch, and he used +to bring in results according to the looks of the customer. If the man +looked tender around the feet, Aggy'd knock it to him, and probably the +shave-tail would be so pleased that he would fork out an extra ten; but +if he was plainly vented as one of the boys, there would be just enough +pay in the return to encourage him. Now, Jones did everything +shipshape and in style. Here's the paper that made him trouble." +</P> + +<P> +Hy fished a slip out of the bundle in his old pocket-book and handed it +to me. +</P> + +<BR> + +<TABLE ALIGN="center" WIDTH="60%"> +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="center" VALIGN="top" COLSPAN="2"> +AGAMEMNON G. JONES, <I>Assayer</I>,<BR> +Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis. +</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="70%"> +<I>Sample left by Mr. Idaho Kid</I> +</TD> + +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="30%"> +<I>No. 36,943</I>. +</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="70%"> </TD> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="30%">Value per ton.</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="70%">Gold </TD> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="30%">$362.13</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="70%">Silver </TD> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="30%">186.90</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="70%">Platinum </TD> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="30%">14.77</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="70%">Lead </TD> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="30%">2.06</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="70%">Iridium </TD> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="30%">.02</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="70%">Osmium </TD> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="30%">.00003+</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="left" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="70%">Copper </TD> +<TD ALIGN="right" VALIGN="top" WIDTH="30%">18.54</TD> +</TR> + +<TR> +<TD ALIGN="center" VALIGN="top" COLSPAN="2"> +10:36 A.M. 3/16/81<BR> +Signed, AGAMEMNON G. JONES, <I>Assayer</I>. +</TD> +</TR> + +</TABLE> + +<BR><BR> + +<P> +"Now, that was the worst that Aggy had ever sprung on anybody, because +this Idaho Kid looked as if he hadn't been three weeks away from his +mother; instead of which he was a hootin', tootin' son-of-a-gun in +reality, and you might say he'd cut his teeth on a miner's candlestick. +</P> + +<P> +"When the Kid saw that miraculous result, his eyes bunged out; then he +took a long breath and wrecked the place. Aggy left at one that +morning for fear that worse might follow. He fetched this paper with +him to remind him that 'genius has its limitations,' he said. But he +didn't seem to learn anything by it. Next he took up engineering. He +hit a blame good job on Castle Creek. The people wanted to turn the +creek through a tunnel, so that they could work the bed, and at this +point it was rather an easy business. The stream made a 'U' about +three-quarters of a mile long, the bottom prong being at least a +hundred and fifty feet below the water-level on the top one—a smashing +good fall—so Aggy started in on the down side to bore the hole up. +Well, everything went lovely. He'd come around with his plans and +specifications twice a day, and draw his hundred once a week regular +for his great labours. At last, however, the shift-boss said they must +be getting pretty near water; he could hear it roar through the face of +the tunnel, he said. But Aggy told him not to be alarmed; he had it +all worked out, and they weren't within forty foot of breaking through." +</P> + +<A NAME="img-076"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-076.jpg" ALT="He'd come around with his plans and specifications twice a day" BORDER="2" WIDTH="379" HEIGHT="581"> +<H3> +[Illustration: He'd come around with his plans <BR> +and specifications twice a day] +</H3> +</CENTER> + + + + +<P> +"So at it they went again, as cheerful as could be, and the next news +they got, down comes the face, and they were being piped through four +hundred foot of black-dark tunnel, trying to guess what was up, bumping +and banging against the walls, and the whole of Castle Creek on top of +them. My, Chinamen weren't a circumstance. Aggy said they boiled out +of the lower end of the tunnel where he was standing so fast he +couldn't recognise them, and, as a matter of fact, three or four of 'em +were washed a mile down creek before they could make land. Aggy +gathered that it was time to move again, so he pulled back for Idaho. +There wasn't anybody really drowned, except old Tom Olley, a +cousin-Jack whose only amusement in life was to wear out his pants +laying low for cinches in the stud-poker game, and you couldn't rightly +say he was any loss to the community. So Aggy used to regret sometimes +that he hadn't stayed to face the music. They might have played horse +with him for a while, but 'twould soon have blown over—miners not +being revengeful by nature—and he was to have had an eighth interest, +besides his salary, if the thing was a success. +</P> + +<P> +"But there was no good of crying over spilt milk, and us two went +prospecting. +</P> + +<P> +"We located for a permanent stand down on Frenchman's Creek, near where +three of Cap' Ally's greaser sheep herders had their camp. They did +our hunting for us, and as there was nobody but them around, and they +were the peacefullest people in the world, we didn't feel the need of +any gun except Ag's old six-shooter. That was the cussedest machine +that ever got invented by man. When you pulled her off she'd spit fire +in all directions, filling the crotch of your hand with powder burns, +and sometimes two or three of the loads would go off at once, when +she'd kick like a Texas steer. There was much talk of bear around, and +we were always going to buy a real gun, some day, but we never got at +it. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, we prospered pretty well, considering how little we worked. A +large part of the time was taken up with playing monte with the +herders, and still more in arguing questions about religion and things +like that; but we had a decent cabin built—with the kind assistance of +the herders—and as we struck a rich little streak that run out ten +dollars per man a day with no trouble at all, we were in clover. +</P> + +<P> +"At last our stock of grub ran low, and Jones slid up to Salmon City to +load up again. It was quite a trip, and as I didn't think it was +square to work while Aggy was away, I took up with the herders. They +were the decentest folks I ever struck. Play a little music on the +guitar, sing songs that always wound up just where a white man's songs +would begin, and tell stories and smoke cigarettes—that was the layout +for them. Old Cap' Allys was a Christian, and he wouldn't let a man +herd sheep all by himself—surest way to get crazy that ever was +invented—so he sent the boys out three in a bunch. +</P> + +<P> +"Those fellers had the darndest lot of fairy tales I ever did hear. +And superstitious! Great Jupiter! Any little blame thing that +happened meant something: this thing was good luck; that meant bad, and +if you tried to josh them out of it, they'd shake their heads and look +at you as if they thought you weren't truly religious. One of their +yarns was about El Diablo de Fuego, 'The Devil of Fire,' which Miguel +said ran in his family. Seems that when anything wrong was about to +happen, this blazing, ripping monster showed up as a warning. I told +Mee that I thought the monster was misfortune enough, without anything +else, but he was scandalised. +</P> + +<P> +"'Psst!' says he. 'Do not spik sooch t'eeng as dthat! Ay, di mi! +Je-Maria-mi Cristo! Jésu, muy dolce y poquito! Dhat mek heem +arrrrrrive dthat eenstant, eef djoo spik weez dees-rrreespeck!' +</P> + +<P> +"'All right, Mee,' says I. 'We'll let her go at that—todo el mismo +por mi, sabe? But how's the bear crop?' +</P> + +<P> +"'Ay, cara! Is plenty goddam ba-are!' says Pepe. 'Keel three—four +ship las' nigh'! That mek that two mus' seet oop for watch, an' alll +ship mus' be in close-corrrrallll! I speet on the soul of that ba-are!' +</P> + +<P> +"Gad! that wasn't cheerful news a little bit. If there's anything in +this world I more than don't like, it's a bear—he's so darn big and +strong and unreasonable, and unless you catch him sitting, you can pump +lead into him until you're black in the face, and it's all one to him. +Well, I thought I might as well camp with the herders until Aggy came +back. +</P> + +<P> +"When he did show up he was rather under the influence of strong drink, +and from the looks of the waggon he'd brought with him, I should say +he'd bought about everything that was movable in Salmon City. I ain't +easily astonished, but I must admit that some of the truck got the best +of me. I kept asking, 'What in —— is this, Ag?' and he always +answered, 'Ask the driver.' Well, now, if there was any choice between +the two, the driver was drunker than Aggy, so you can imagine what a +lot of satisfaction I got. There was one thing that I simply couldn't +make head nor tail of, and I stayed with him until I got an answer on +that. +</P> + +<P> +"'Why, it's an alcohol cooking-stove,' said he, 'great medicine—no +trouble to cook now at all. Just light her,' says he, waving his hand, +'and whoop! away she goes! Where's that can of alcohol? Here she is! +Have a drink, Hy?' +</P> + +<P> +"I took a small swig of it in a little water to please him, but there +weren't stimmilants enough in the country to raise my spirits that +night. I put all the plunder that I could lift up in the cock-loft, +and the rest I left sitting around. +</P> + +<P> +"I don't exactly know where you fellers are going to sleep,' says I, +trying to be sourcastic. 'Pity you didn't order a folding-bed, Ag.' +</P> + +<P> +"'I did,' says he. +</P> + +<P> +"'A folding-bed?' I repeats, not believing my ears. +</P> + +<P> +"'And a piano,' says he. 'What is home without a piano? Answer: It's +a place that can't hold the forte—dam good joke—keno—go up to the +head, Jones.' +</P> + +<P> +"'Well,' says I, after some other things, 'who's going to pay for all +this?' +</P> + +<P> +"'God knows!' says he, waving his hand again. 'Good-night!' and with +that he fell down between a new bureau and a patent portable +blacksmith's forge, and putting his head on a concertina, went sound +asleep. +</P> + +<P> +"I couldn't follow suit for some time; it's one thing to come home full +of budge and animal spirits yourself, and it's quite different to have +your pardner work it on you. At last, however, I concluded it would be +all the same the next century, and turned in, but I was so rattled that +I forgot the bears, and didn't lock up with the usual care. +</P> + +<P> +"It must have been about two in the morning when I woke all in a +tremble. I had the feeling that things were away off, but I couldn't +place what was the matter, until I looked at the square of moonlight on +the floor that came through the window, and I was near to screech like +a tomcat, for there was a monstrous black shadow bobbing back and forth +in the patch of light. I drew on my bank for all the sand I had and +raised my eyes. My heart fairly knocked my ribs loose. Nicely framed +in the window was the head of a grizzly, and I'll take my oath it +wasn't over a size smaller than a beer-barrel! +</P> + +<P> +"'Now,' thinks I, 'if I can only get that gun before he sees me, and if +the cussed thing will only do the right thing by me this once!' +</P> + +<P> +"So out I steps, and the first rattle out of the box I stumbled on a +few dozen of the purchases Ag had brought home, and down them and me +came like an earthquake. It scart the bear so he drew back; no use +trying to work a sneak now. I jumped for the holster, unlimbered, and +turned the gun loose for general results. I guess every load went off, +from the noise, and she flew out of my hand and vanished behind me. +The place was full of smoke and the plunder that was scattered around; +you could neither see nor walk, and that bear was swatting the door in +a fashion that showed he was going to give us a call any old how, and I +was plumb distracted—for the life of me I didn't know what to do. +</P> + +<P> +"'Don't make such a damn noise!' growls Aggy. +</P> + +<P> +"'You'd better get out of that!' I yells. 'You'll get noise enough in +a minute!' But he didn't pay the least attention. +</P> + +<P> +"Just before the door went down I broke for the cock-loft; it was the +only spot that seemed to hold the teeniest bit of safety. I clim up +the wall like a hopper-grass, but I had no more than made it when my +friend was in the house. 'Twas me he wanted to see, too, apparently; +for he never noted anything else, but headed straight for the loft. I +had kind of hoped the other two would amuse him for a while, but it +wasn't to be. With the door down, the moonlight streamed in so it was +'most as light as day. +</P> + +<P> +"'Keep your big feet off me!' says Ag, very indignant, as the bear +walked on him. It's a great thing not to know who you're talking to +sometimes. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, brother bear upends himself, and reaches for the loft. He could +just nicely hook his front toe-nails on the board, and when I saw that, +I would have sold myself out hide and hair and good-will of the +business extremely reasonable. 'Here's where my esteemed friend +Hydraulic Smith gets piped out,' I thought, and I tried to meet my +finish like a man, but there was something about winding up as filler +for a dirty, smelly bear wrapper that took all the poetry out of the +situation. +</P> + +<P> +"I saw that Aggy had got on to the state of affairs at last; he was +crawling backward very cautious, and he had a look of pained surprise +on his face that beat anything I'd ever seen on the phiz of man or +beast before. For all I was so scart that I was sweating icicles, I +couldn't help but snicker. Howsomever, at that moment brother bear +threw his weight on the board, and she snapped like a toothpick, and my +merry smile took a walk. I was in a desperate fix! He had only to +keep on pulling down boards to the last one, and then, of course, I'd +come down with it. Something had to be done. I grabbed a sack of +flour and heaved it at him; the sack caught on a splinter and ripped, +so beyond covering him with powder it had no particular result. He +<I>did</I> stop and taste the flour; he had lots of time! There wasn't any +good in that. But as I reached around for another weapon my hand +struck the can of alcohol, and right then I had a genuine three-X +inspiration. I pulled the plug from the can and poured the spirits +down. The bear howled murder as the stuff ran into his eyes, and +plunking himself on his hunkies, he began to paw and scrape it out. +There was my chance! I fumbled through all my pockets as fast as my +hand could travel—no matches! Then cussing and praying like a +steam-engine, I tried it again; found a handful in the first pocket; +dropped most of 'em, being so nervous, but scratched what was left and +chucked 'em on Mr. Bear. +</P> + +<P> +"Great Moses in the bulrushes! Events began on that instant. I've +seen a cyclone, and an earthquake, and a cloudburst, and an Injun +outbreak, and a Democratic convention, but roll 'em into one and that +bear would give 'em cards, spades, big and little casino, a stuffed +deck, and the tally-board too, and then beat 'em without looking at his +hand. +</P> + +<P> +"I simply can't begin to tell you all the different kinds of pure, +unadulterated hell he raised with the stock of curiosities Aggy had +bought in town. And the looks of him! White with flour half-way, +spouting flames and smoke, and apparently three times as big as he was +when he started! He was something before the people now, I tell you! +And the burning hair smelt scandalous, and the way he ripped and roared +made the ground tremble. +</P> + +<P> +"When he finally broke through the door, I was so interested that I +forgot to be afraid, and hopped down to watch him go, and then I saw +the last act of the tragedy. +</P> + +<P> +"Miguel heard the shot, and knowing we were in trouble, he started up +the trail on his old buckskin, fairly burning the earth. +</P> + +<P> +"He rounded a little clump of trees, and came plump on my bear, +roaring, foaming, blazing, smoking, ripping, and flying! Well, sir, +you can believe me or not, but I want to tell you that that cayuse of +Mee's jumped right out from under him, and was half-way up Wilkin's +Hill before the Mexican touched the ground. He was headed due west, +and he must have reached the coast the next day, the gait he was +travelling. Anyhow, he vanished from the sight of man forever, as far +as we know. +</P> + +<P> +"Mee sat froze just as he had landed, scart so there wasn't no more +expression on his face, and the bear hopped right over the top of his +head. Then I reckon Mee thought his family friend had come for him, +for he jumped ten foot in the air, and when he touched ground he was in +full motion. It's only fair to say that Miguel could run when he put +his mind to it. 'El Infierno esta suelto!' he yells. 'Santiago! +Santiago! Ten quidado conmigo! Madre mia! Salvame! Salvame pronto!' +Lord, I can see him now, scuttling over the fair face of the Territory +of Idaho in the bright moonlight like a little bird—chest out; hands +up; head back; black hair snapping in the breeze; long legs waving like +the spokes of a flywheel, and yelling for Santiago to keep an eye on +him, and for his mother to save him quick, as long as he was in sight. +And when he passed, he passed out. He took a different direction from +his horse, so it ain't likely they met, but neither one of 'em was seen +no more around our part of the country." +</P> + +<A NAME="img-088"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-088.jpg" ALT="Miguel could run when he put his mind to it." BORDER="2" WIDTH="367" HEIGHT="542"> +<H3> +[Illustration: Miguel could run when he put his mind to it.] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Still, by and by there floated back to us a story of how a greaser had +been chased by a horrible white devil that stood twenty foot high, with +teeth a foot long, horns, hoofs, claws, and a spiked tail; which +travelled at a rate of speed that made a streak of lightning seem like +a way-freight, scattering red fire and brimstone as it ran; which +chased said greaser forty mile over hill and dale and gulch and +mountain top and Bad-Land district, after polishing off his horse in +one bite, and finally sank into the ground with a report like a ton of +giant powder. +</P> + +<P> +"And I've often wondered what really become of that bear." +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap05"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +The Little Bear who Grew +</H3> + + +<P> +I was standing at the door of the office one afternoon in August. The +office was on Main Street,—a thoroughfare fronting railroad tracks and +a long strip of fenced grass, dotted with newly planted trees, called +the "park,"—in a North Dakota town. It was hot. I mean, hot. Down +that long thin street the shadows of false-fronted stores lay like blue +slag on molten iron. Nothing moved: this particular metropolis-to-be +of the Northwest was given over to heat and silence. Yet it wasn't +muggy, sea-coast heat that turns bone and muscle into jelly—it was a +passion of sun-power, light and heat together. +</P> + +<P> +Just to be on a horse out in it over the prairie swells was to taste +the flavour of adventure. But no such thing for me. I had to take +care of the office. A thermometer inside that office marked one +hundred and fourteen degrees. Had it been inside of me it would have +marked three hundred and fourteen degrees. +</P> + +<P> +I shall not tell the series of injustices that obliged me to stay in +that hencoop, while the rest of the force went gleefully up the line to +attend a ball game. I didn't count for much, while the decision in +regard to the one who stayed rested in the hands of Fate. It was the +manager's own pack of cards I cut. I can recall the look of +sophisticated astonishment those rascals wore at my persistent bad +luck. I found out afterwards that every mother's son of them had +bought his ticket the day before. They had faith in that pack of +cards. Most of the town had gone with them; this accounted for the +deserted village effect. Several days before this I sat up all night +reading H. Rider Haggard's "She." The desire to figure in remarkable +events had not yet worn off, but a more unlikely theatre of adventure +than that Main Street could not be conceived. I looked up and down the +length of it. Hark! What sound is that? 'T is the rattle of wheels, +and the "plunkety-plunk" of a farm-horse's trot. Around the corner +comes an ancient Studebaker waggon drawn by an old horse, and in it two +small boys are seated on a bushel basket—hardly a crisis. I fell to +envying the small boys, for all that. They could go and come as they +pleased; they were their own masters, free to do as they liked in the +world. +</P> + +<P> +As if to show that this was, indeed, the fact, in the broadest meaning +of the words, the two urchins suddenly leaped high in the air, uttering +shrieks; they landed on the ground and scuttled across the park as fast +as legs could carry them. Absolutely no reason for this performance +appeared to the eye. The horse stopped, turning his mild gaze after +them, then swung his head until he saw me, at whom he gazed with that +expression of complete bewilderment always so comical in an equine +face. "Account for that, if you can," he said, as plainly as the +printed words could do it. Finding no solution in me, he shook his +head and blew his nose. He was a kind old horse, always willing to +oblige, but to plan an independent campaign was beyond him, so he stood +just where he was, probably saying, "Great is Allah!" to himself in the +Houyhnhnm tongue, waiting for what was going to happen to get about it. +The plot increased in thickness, for the bushel basket began a +mysterious journey toward the back of the waggon, impelled by an unseen +power. It was a curious thing to see in broad daylight. I felt quite +a prickle down my spine as I watched it. Arriving at the end, over it +went, disclosing the secret. From out of that basket came a small +bear. I swallowed an ejaculation and looked at him. He, entirely +unabashed, returned my gaze—a funny little ruffian! On the end of his +spinal column he teetered, all four feet in the air, the cock of his +head irresistibly suggesting the tilt of a gamin's cap. His tongue +hung waggishly out of his mouth, and a sort of loose, dissipated, +tough, cynical humour pervaded his person, from the squint of his +little eyes to the absurd post of his hind legs. There was less of the +immature bear about him than of the miniature bear. I suppose a young +wild animal is like a street Arab, in that he receives his worldly +knowledge with his milk. +</P> + +<P> +He had on a collar and chain, whereby I recognised he was someone's +property. To clear this part of history, the two small boys had been +hired to take him to Mr. D——'s menagerie, when, after a struggle, he +had been ensconced beneath the bushel basket. They were not the happy +youths I had taken them for, these boys,—how often we envy the lot of +others unwisely!—for they were obliged to sit on the basket in order +to retain their captive, dreading all the time what a moment's +carelessness brought to pass, an attack from beneath. When one +incautious foot ventured too near the basket, Mr. Bear promptly clawed +and chewed it; hence the shrieks, and the flight. +</P> + +<P> +Well, not wishing this piece of live stock to escape, I walked toward +him, affecting the unconcern necessary in approaching an animal. He +did not retreat; he swayed on his spine and regarded me jeeringly. I +grabbed the chain and pulled. Instantly, he nailed me by the leg. He +had nothing but milk teeth, or I should have been much the worse for +the encounter. As it was, he pinched like a vise with his strong +little jaws, and I had all I wanted to pry him loose. I tried to hold +him at arm's length, but he turned inside of his baggy overcoat and bit +and clawed until I gave that up. I then whirled him at the end of the +chain. He flew through the air with spread legs until the chain +snapped, when he landed many yards away. He was up and off as soon as +he stopped rolling, and I after him. The boy who was running the +clothing store several vacant lots from the office came to his door at +that moment, and, feeling that a bear hunt was more to his taste than +twiddling his thumbs in an empty store, he came along, too, and the +flour office and the clothing store were left in the hands of +Providence—fortunately there were no thieves in old-time Dakota. +</P> + +<P> +In front was young Mr. Bear, boring a hole in the wind, and behind him +two boys, coming strong, but not in his class for speed. Our quarry +gained one block in three. We just rounded a barn in time to see him +jump into a wood shed behind a real estate office. +</P> + +<P> +I knew a cat with kittens lived in that wood shed, and strained myself +to reach there before the fun was over. However, there was ample time. +The code of the animal duel is as formal and long-winded as anything +the mind of man has devised. Probably everyone has seen two young +cockerels, standing with their bills together, apparently lost in a +Buddhistic reverie, suddenly broken by violence. They are only an +illustration. All animals have their ceremonial of battle, when it is +for the fun of fighting, pure and simple, with the dinner question +eliminated. +</P> + +<P> +The weird war song of Mrs. Cat, pealing out from the cracks of the wood +shed, assured us we would be repaid for our trouble, but the tone +indicated that the fell moment had not arrived. We peered through a +chink. The cat was in a corner, her family around her. Her eyes +roamed all over the wood shed, merely taking the bear in <I>en passant</I>. +She seemed unconscious of the awful noise which ripped the air. +</P> + +<P> +The bear, for his part, was unaware of the proximity of a yowling cat. +He never so much as glanced in her direction, having found a very +diverting chunk of coal, which he batted about the floor. A singular +thing was that, when the coal moved it always moved nearer the cat. +</P> + +<P> +The cat prepared for trouble, after the manner of her kind, and the +bear prepared to cause it, after the manner of his kind. Occasionally, +when a blood-curdling screech from his antagonist rang upon his +eardrums, the cub would stop a moment and gaze pensively through and +beyond the end of the wood shed, as if, indeed, from far off, a certain +sound, made filmy and infinitesimal by distance, had reached him. Then +he would smile deprecatingly to himself, as if to say, "How easily I am +deceived!" +</P> + +<P> +Excellent as was the feigned indifference of Mr. Bear, it must be borne +in mind that he was opposed to an animal of parts. Our friend, the +cat, was not a whit taken in by the comedy. When the time came for her +to leap she was ready, to the last hair of her chimney-cleaner tail. +She had been making most elaborate preparations all the while, +stretching and retracting her claws, squirming her whalebone body +flatter and flatter, her tail assuming majestic proportions, while her +ears disappeared in inverse ratio. +</P> + +<P> +Nearer and nearer came the chunk of coal and the slouching little bear, +a touch of caution in each pretended careless action. Awful and more +awful grew Grimalkin's battle plaint—her eyes blazed demoniacally. +</P> + +<P> +By some subtle assurance, we humans were made aware that, on the floor +of the wood shed, an imaginary deadline had been drawn by Mrs. Cat, +and, when Ursus Minor advanced so much as the length of a claw beyond +that in his orbit, an incident would mark his career. You may believe +me or not, but the little bear understood not only this much, but he +also knew where that line lay. Fully a minute he tantalised us by +coquetting with it. He would advance recklessly, and we would say to +ourselves, "Now!" when, lo! he would turn at the fatal point, to lie on +his side and amuse himself by clawing at the chunk of coal. +</P> + +<P> +Suddenly he boldly stepped across. An instant of numbing silence fell. +A swish! A cat on a small bear's back. A scene impossible! A hairy +tornado, rolling, twisting, flopping, yelling, screeching, roaring, and +howling, tore, bit, scratched, clawed, and walloped all over the place. +An epileptic nebula; a maelstrom that revolved in every way known to +man at the same instant; a prodigy of tooth and claw. If that fight +were magnified a hundred times, a glimpse of it would kill; as it was, +myself and the clothing store boy clung weakly to the wall and wept. +</P> + +<P> +The cat's tough hide easily turned the bear's claws, and his teeth were +too tiny to work mischief; while his thick, shaggy coat made pussy's +keener weapons ineffectual. As a consequence, the storm raged with +unbridled ferocity, the motion of the foemen being so swift none could +tell who was getting the better of it. There was energy in that small +action and a bitterness of sound altogether indescribable, the mews of +the astounded kittens quavering shrilly and loudly through the general +frenzy. +</P> + +<P> +At length, in spite of his antagonist's agility, the bear managed to +get his "holt," and puss, wrapped in his strong arms, was practically +whipped; not without protest—she was a "last-ditch" warrior. The bear +settled back as grim and stolid as General Grant might have done, while +the chivalry of the wood shed applied her hind claws to his waistcoat. +However, the bear could do a little in this line himself. The effect +was that each tried unsuccessfully to walk up the other. +</P> + +<P> +The "strangle hold" began to tell. Never shall I forget the +desperation in that cat's face as it appeared between the squeezing +arms of the bear. Their attitude had such a resemblance to the +"Huguenot Lovers" I have not been able since to look at that celebrated +picture with proper countenance. +</P> + +<P> +At this point, my companion and I came to the rescue. Finding all +attempts at separating them by hand resulted in the usual wages of the +peacemaker, we grabbed the chain and hauled the war to the pump. The +pump was only a short distance way, yet it took us several minutes to +make the trip, as every time we turned and gazed at them, their rigid +adherence to their relative positions, no matter what condition as a +whole this mode of locomotion caused them to assume, and the leering, +bourgeois complacency of the victorious bear, contrasting with the +patrician despair of the vanquished, caused such a weakness to come +over us that we had to sit upon the ground for a while. +</P> + +<P> +Water is the universal solvent. About half a minute under the pump +formed the solution of this problem. A wet and skinny-looking cat, her +elegance departed, streaked back to the wood shed and her offspring, +while a sober and bedraggled little bear trotted behind his captors to +Mr. D——'s menagerie. +</P> + +<P> +This was my introduction to this bear. We called him "Cat-thumper," +after the Indian fashion of christening a child from some marked +exploit or incident in his career. This became contracted to +"Thumper," an appropriate title, for, with the fat pickings of the +restaurant, his bearship grew with a rapidity that made it a puzzle how +his hide contained him. +</P> + +<P> +Under these genial conditions Thumper developed humour. It became +possible for one to romp with him, and in the play he was careful not +to use his strength. So exemplary became his conduct that his owner, a +man who never could learn from experience, or even from Billy Buck, +decided to take him on Main Street. Mr. D——'s novelties were a +standing menace to the security of the town and his own person as well. +The amount of vanity that fat little man possessed would have supplied +a theatrical company. One of his first acts, on entering a town, was +to purchase the fiercest white hat, and the most aboriginal buck-skin +suit to be obtained, and then don them. Almost the next act on the +part of his fellow-townsmen was to hire a large and ferocious looking +"cow-puncher" to recognise in Mr. D—— an ancient enemy, and make a +vicious attack upon him with blank cartridges and much pomp and +circumstance. Still it had no permanent effect on Mr. D——. Badinage +could not wither him nor cussing stale his infinite variety. With all +his exasperating traits, he had an impassable child-like faith in his +doings and a soothing influence that made one smile when one wanted to +cry. +</P> + +<P> +The passage up street was made with no happening worthy of note except, +of course, that other travellers gave him a wide berth (to Mr. D——'s +extreme gratification) until they came to the butcher shop. Here +Thumper's first move was to steal a fine tenderloin from the block, and +swallow it whole. +</P> + +<P> +"Ye're!" yelled the proprietor, an ex-Indian scout, "whatcher doin' +there? Take that critter out of here!" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm willing to pay for the meat," replied Mr. D——, with dignity. +</P> + +<P> +"That's all right, too," retorted the proprietor, "but I promised it to +Mr. Smith, and it's the only one I've got. How are you going to square +that? What do you mean by toting a brute like that around, anyhow?" he +wound up with increasing choler. +</P> + +<P> +"I cannot see but what I have a perfect right to take with me any +animal or animals I choose!" said Mr. D——. +</P> + +<P> +"Not into this shop, by Jingo!" said the proprietor, reaching under the +counter. "Now you sneak him out of here, quick, or I'll shoot him." +</P> + +<P> +"Very well," said Mr. D——, bowing, but red, "very well. Come, +Thumper!" +</P> + +<P> +Thumper was in no mind to move. He liked the situation. Mr. D—— +pulled on the chain, and Thumper overlooked it. A small crowd gathered +in front of the door and encouraged Mr. D—— by calling, "Pull hard, +the man says!" "Now, altogether, yee-hoooo!" and similar remarks. I +have always felt that a bear enjoys a joke. In this case I am sure of +it. Showing no bad temper, he simply refused to budge, and, by this +time, when he had made up his mind, the decision was final, as far as +any one man was concerned. Mr. D——'s temper went by the board; it +was an embarrassing situation. "Come out of that!" he cried, with a +sharp jerk at the chain. +</P> + +<P> +The look of irritation vanished from the proprietor's face. "Why don't +some of you fellers help the gentleman out with his bear?" he asked. +Thereupon the spectators took a hand and Thumper was dragged into the +street. Evidently he thought this one of the usual frolics to which we +boys had accustomed him; for, once upon the sidewalk, he began to +prance and gambol in the graceful fashion of his kind. It so happened +that the nurse-girl of the mayor of the town, a huge Swede woman as +broad as she was long (which is almost hyperbole), came trundling her +charge up the board walk at the precise moment that Thumper bowled over +a gentleman in front and came plainly to her view. +</P> + +<P> +One Norwegian war-whoop and away she galloped, the perambulator before +her, as it was not in the mind of the Vikingess to desert her duty. +Screeching, she tore up the walk, the carriage bouncing and rattling, +and the baby crowing with delight. An Indian stepped out of a store +directly in front of her. Him Telka rammed with such fury that he +landed on his neck in the road, with his feet in the air. But, as he +regained his balance, resentment was drowned in unbounded amazement. +"Wakstashoneee!" he said, "wakstashoneeeee!" which is the limit in the +Sioux tongue. Never had the Dakota warrior expected to see the day +when he would be made to bite the earth by a Swede woman and a baby +carriage. Around the corner for home whirled Telka, making the turn +like a circus horse. Arriving at the house, she placed one fairy foot +against the door with such spirit that the lock-socket hit the opposite +wall, picked up carriage and baby and went upstairs with them three +rises to a leap. At the top she burst into a wild oratory of "tanks" +and "Eenyens" and "beejjeerens" and "yoomps," scaring her mistress into +the belief that the Sioux had attacked the town in force—an event she +had long anticipated. +</P> + +<P> +Thumper was led back to his pole in the park, and fastened with an +ox-chain, this step being taken at the request of an informal committee +of citizens. "Chained bear or dead bear" was their ultimatum, for, +while they enjoyed Telka's performance, they didn't propose to make it +a custom to obtain their fun from frightened women. So Thumper's +freedom of the city lasted but a day. To make amends for this, we boys +used to go in and tussle with him more often than before. The play was +the bright spot in the life of the captive. He would begin his double +shuffle of joy whenever a group of boys made their appearance. At +first, this went well enough. As I have said, the bear's nature +revealed its better side, under the benign influence of plenty to eat, +and I cannot remember that he once took advantage of his vast and +growing strength. Mr. D—— encouraged the performances, as the +menagerie's purpose was to attract the attention of travellers who had +a half-hour's wait at the station, and thus to spread the fame of his +railroad eating-house. But misfortune came, through the applause of +the passengers. Several young men of the town embraced the opportunity +to show off. One of these, a brawny young six-foot Irishman named Jim, +used to punch old Thumper pretty roughly, when he had a large audience. +Jim was neither a bad-hearted nor cruel fellow; he simply had a body +too large for his disposition. In the phrase of the West, he was +"staggering with strength," and in Thumper he found a chance to work +off his superfluous nervous energy—also to occupy the centre of our +local stage for the brief time of train-stop. If it is love that makes +the world go round, certainly vanity first put it into motion. "All is +vanity," said the Preacher. From the devoted astronomer's austere +lifework to the twinkle of a fairy's glittering tinsel; from the +glories of the first man up the battle-swept hill to the infamous +assassin, all is vanity. Such a universal attribute must necessarily +be good, except in abnormal growth. Jim showed his overdevelopment of +the faculty, while the abused Thumper modestly sat still and grew. And +still he grew, and still he grew—with a quiet energy that made the +fact that he had passed from a large bear to a very large bear go by +unnoticed. +</P> + +<P> +Several times, when Jim was showing more skill than Thumper, the memory +of a mauled cat came to my mind. The ursine look shot at Jim now and +then recalled it. I even went to the length of remonstrating, but it +was without effect. It was on a Sunday morning that Nemesis attended +to Jim's case. Circumstances were propitious. An excursion train, +crowded with passengers, pulled up at the station. Jim had a new suit +of black broadcloth, due to a temporary aberration of our local Solomon +who ran the clothing store. Because of this victory, Jim was in an +extraordinarily expansive mood as he swaggered down the platform. +</P> + +<P> +"I guess I'll try a fall out of the bear," he announced to his +companions, in a tone that informed all of his intention. Gaily he +swung his long legs over the fence and advanced upon Thumper, who, by a +strange coincidence, was poised on the end of his spine, with his feet +in the air and his tongue lolling humorously out of his mouth, as when +I first made his acquaintance. The bear noted the approach from the +corner of his eye, stretched out his paws, examined them critically, +seemed satisfied with the inspection, shook himself thoroughly, and +resigned affairs to Fate. +</P> + +<P> +Jim, stimulated by the remarks of the passengers and their eager +interest in his doings, marched up to Thumper, struck a sparring +attitude, and shuffled around, making sundry little passes and jabs +which the bear ignored. +</P> + +<P> +"Punch him!" cried a voice in the crowd. Jim lunged; the bear ducked, +lazily, but effectually, and the crowd laughed. Jim drove right and +left at his antagonist; the bear parried, ducked, and got away, until +the crowd shrieked with merriment and the Irishman was furious. He +lived to punch that bear, and, at length, he succeeded—square on the +end of Thumper's snout. The bear sneezed, dropped his head, and stared +fixedly at Jim. +</P> + +<P> +"Run!" I yelled—alack! too late. Up rose Thumper to a paralysing +height, higher still went his trusty paw, and down it came, with a +swinging, sidewise blow on the Irishman's neck. +</P> + +<P> +I will maintain, by oath, affirmation, or combat, that Mr. Jim made six +complete revolutions, like a button on a barn door, before he struck +mother earth with the dullest of thuds. +</P> + +<P> +Ten to one that the town was out one Irishman would have seemed a good +business proposition, and, to clinch the assurance, the bear began to +walk on Jim. While the bear kneaded him like a batch of dough, some of +us woke and rushed to the scene of action. +</P> + +<P> +I do not remember clearly how we got out of it. Some pulled at the +bear's chain, and some grabbed Jim by whatever offered a hold. At +length James was rescued, alive and weeping, though three-quarters of +the new suit, including the most useful portion of the nether garments, +remained in Bruin's paws as the spoils of victory. The crowd on the +platform was charmed. This was precisely the thing it had travelled +miles to see. +</P> + +<P> +Poor Jim! He was a spectacle. Tears, scratches, and dust robbed his +face of all humanity; the scant remnants of the Sunday suit fluttered +in the breeze; his shaking knees barely supported him. We gave him a +stimulant, a blanket, and some good advice. Mr. D——, for once in his +life on the right side of the question, was especially forward in +furnishing the last necessity. So passed Jim from the field of his +glories, and, barring some scratches, bruises, and a stiff neck (not to +mention the Sunday suit, as that loss really fell upon Solomon), he was +as well as ever inside of a few days. The only lasting result of the +encounter for him was that, when the small boy of the town thirsted for +excitement, there would arise a cry of "Hey, Jim! bin down ter pet cher +bear?" and then … +</P> + +<P> +When the train departed, and the crowd had disappeared, I went down and +looked at Thumper. He seemed unchanged. I offered him a cracker; he +stretched out the back of his paw, having learned that people shrank +from the sight of his five-inch claws, in acceptance. This gobbled, he +eyed me, as he leaned back against his pole, like an absurd fat man. +Humour shone on the outside of him, but I fancied that, deep in his +eyes, I could see a dull red glow, Indian style. "Now," said I to +myself, "from the pangs of Jim I shall extract a moral lesson. +Whenever I feel like showing off at somebody's expense, let me use +caution not to select a grizzly bear." +</P> + +<P> +What Thumper thought no man can tell. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap06"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +In the Absence of Rules +</H3> + + +<P> +We had a pig when we was down on the little Chantay Seeche. The Doctor +begged him off a rancher, to eat up the scraps around camp. A neat +person was the Doctor and a durned good cook. +</P> + +<P> +We called him the Doctor because he wore specs—that's as good a claim +as many has to the title. His idee was that when the pig got fat he +would sell him for lots of money, but long before Foxey Bill (which was +piggy) had reached the market stage money couldn't buy him. He was a +great pig. My notion of hogs, previous to my acquaintance with him, +was that they were dirty, stupid critters, without any respectable +feelings. Perhaps it's because animals get man-like, when you +associate with 'em a great deal, or perhaps Foxey Bill was an unusual +proposition; but, anyhow, he was the funniest, smartest brute I ever +see, and we thought a slew of him. +</P> + +<P> +Clean was no name for his personal appearance. Every Sunday the Doctor +took a scrub-brush and piggy down to the creek and combined 'em with +the kind assistance of a cake of soap. Then Foxey just shone white as +ivory, and he'd trot around in front of us, gruntin' to attract our +attention, till everybody'd said, "What a beautiful, clean pig—ain't +he just right?" Then he'd grunt his thanks to the company and retire +behind the shack for a nap. We used to fair kill ourselves laughing at +that darned pig. He had the most wheedlin' squeal, so soft and +pleadin'; and he'd look up at you with them skim-milk eyes of his so +pitiful, when he wanted a chunk of sugar, that you couldn't refuse him. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-115"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-115.jpg" ALT=""Clean was no name for his personal appearance."" BORDER="2" WIDTH="359" HEIGHT="323"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "Clean was no name for his personal appearance."] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +And knowing! Honest, he knew more'n some men. One day old Wind River +was tellin' some things (that <I>might</I> have happened to him) in his +usual way, bein' most careful to get the dates and all dead right, you +know—"Now, <I>was</I> his name Peter, after all? Comes to my mind it was +Willyam—Willyam Perkins—Well—But, anyhow, him and me, we saw that +Injun," and so forth. This was a Sunday, and the gang of us sittin' in +a circle, fixing leathers and one thing and another and misstatin' +history faster than a horse could trot, with Foxey Bill in the middle, +cocking his head from one speaker to another, takin' it all in. +</P> + +<P> +At last Wind River wound up the most startlin' and unlikely collections +of facts he'd favoured us with for some time. Up gets Foxey with a +shriek and gallops around the house. Any man with the rudiments of +intelligence would know he was hollerin': "Well, that's just too much +for me; ta-ra-rum!" +</P> + +<A NAME="img-116"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-116.jpg" ALT=""Up gets Foxy with a shriek and gallops around the house"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="362" HEIGHT="221"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "Up gets Foxy with a shriek <BR> +and gallops around the house"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +Wind River looked scart. "Say!" says he. "Say! Thet hawg knows I'm +er-lyin' jes' 's well 's I do!" After that old Windy used to talk to +the pig as though they'd been raised together. +</P> + +<P> +Foxey Bill made one miscalculation. He thought he was a small pet, +like a cat. This didn't jibe with the five hundred pounds of meat he +toted. And, like a cat, one of his principal amusements was to have +his back scratched. If you didn't pay attention to him, when he +squealed so pretty for you to please curry him with a board, he'd hump +up his back, like a cat, and rub against your legs. You instantly +landed on your scalp-lock and waved the aforesaid legs in the air. Of +course, when the other fellers saw this comin', they didn't feel it +restin' on their conscience to call your attention to it—in fact, we +sometimes busied one another talkin' to give Foxey a fair field. So +Foxey had things his own way around the diggin's for some time. +</P> + +<P> +Then comes bow-legged Hastings, our boss, with a ram tied hard and fast +in the bottom of the waggon. He explains to us that the ram is +valuable, but that he's butted merry Halifax out of everything down to +home, and he don't want to shut him up, so will we please take care of +him? And we said No—Wanitchee heap—we guessed not—never. +</P> + +<P> +Then Hastings got mad and talked to us, flyin' his hands. Such a +disobligin', stubborn, sour outfit he never saw, he said. What was the +use of his bein' boss, when we just laid awake nights thinkin' up +disagreeable things to do to him? Was there ever a time that he'd +asked us to do this or that, that every man in reach didn't r'ar up and +jump down his throat? He said he'd rather be a nigger rooster on a +condemned government steamboat than bear the title of boss of such a +rag-chewin' hide-bound set of mules; kick, kick, kick—nothin' but +kick, and life wasn't worth livin'. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-118"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-118.jpg" ALT=""Old Windy used to talk to the pig as though they'd been raised together"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="358" HEIGHT="221"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "Old Windy used to talk to the pig <BR> +as though they'd been raised together"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +So then he went behind the shack and pouted. Well, we liked Hastings, +and this made us feel bad—that's the way he worked us. +</P> + +<P> +The Doctor, he fried up a dish of all-sorts in his happiest manner and +took it around in a cheerful voice. No. Didn't want food. Heart was +broke. So then we all went and apologised and agreed to keep the ram. +Then Hastings recovered, and we had that cussed sheep on our hands and +feet and all over us. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-119"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-119.jpg" ALT=""He'd hump up his back . . . and rub against your legs"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="354" HEIGHT="314"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "He'd hump up his back . . . and <BR> +rub against your legs"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +Well, it was like the devil enterin' a happy home. As for Foxey, he +just took one long look at the brute, curlin' and uncurlin' his little +tail; then "Hungh!" says he, and blinked his eyes shut, walkin' away +from there. I've seen times when I'd liked to been able to use the +English of that grunt, to thoroughly acquaint some gentleman of how +little I thought of him, but I ain't got the gift of speech. It was an +awful call-down—but the sheep, he didn't care. If there was such a +thing as a foolish Sheeny, that's what a sheep would remind me of. +</P> + +<P> +But the rest of us run into practical and applied trouble in its +various branches. There's one night, the Doctor starts for the cabin +with a mess of flap-jacks in his hands, and the sheep comes up and +pushes him in the pistol pocket so that the Doctor goes sailing into +the drink with a stack of brown checks hoverin' all around him. +</P> + +<P> +Then Wind River shows his one tooth and rocks on his heels, hollerin' +and laughin', and the sheep rises up and smites him on the hip and +thigh so he flew after the Doctor like a grey-whiskered sky-rocket, +with a ha-ha! cut in two in the middle. "Woosh!" says old Windy as he +comes up. "Hi, there cooky! I'll beat you ashore!" He was a +handy-witted old Orahanna, that Windy, and you didn't put the kybosh on +him easy. So it went with all of us. That ram come out of +no-where-at-all another night and patted me on the stummick so I pretty +near fainted. I tried to twist his cussed head off his shoulders, but +he'd knocked the wind out of me so it was like fightin' an army in a +nightmare, I was glad when the boys come out and pried me loose. Oh, +oh! How we hated that woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep! +</P> + +<A NAME="img-121"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-121.jpg" ALT=""No. Didn't want food. Heart was broke."" BORDER="2" WIDTH="356" HEIGHT="337"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "No. Didn't want food. Heart was broke."] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Well," says Windy, "I'm layin' fur th' day he snaggles himself up with +Foxey Bill. You're goin' to see a nice quiet sheep after that happens." +</P> + +<P> +The rest of us had lots of faith in Billy, but we couldn't see where he +stood a show to win. +</P> + +<P> +"Shucks!" says Steve. "The sheep'll knock the bacon out of him. The +Lord knows I don't want to see it, but that's what's got to happen. +Poor Bill ain't onto his style of fightin' at all. You know how pigs +make war—standin' side by side, tryin' to hook each other in the +flank, gruntin' and circlin' around with little quick steps—how's that +goin' to apply to this son-of-a-gun that hits you a welt like a +domestic cannon and then chases himself off to the sky-line for another +try?" +</P> + +<A NAME="img-122"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-122.jpg" ALT=""'Hungh!' says he, and blinked his eyes shut"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="360" HEIGHT="170"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "'Hungh!' says he, and blinked his eyes shut"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Well," cuts in the Doctor. "I ain't a-sayin' <I>how</I>—but Bill <I>does</I> +him, all the same—bet your life." +</P> + +<P> +"You talk feeble minded," says Steve. "Nobody'd more like to believe +you than me, but the points ain't on the cards. It'll be just like +that Braddock's campaign agin the Injuns. There goes the Britishers +(that's Bill) amblin' gaily through the woods, dressed up in red and +marchin' arm to arm, for fear some careless Injun would miss 'em, and +there's the Injuns (that's that durned ram) off in the woods jumpin' up +and down with pleasure and surprise. 'Oh, Jimmy!' hollers the Injun to +his little boy. 'Run get grandpa, Towser, mama, and the +baby—everybody's goin' to pick one of these and take it home—no Injun +so poor but what he's entitled to at least one Englishman.'" +</P> + +<A NAME="img-123"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-123.jpg" ALT=""The Doctor goes sailing into the drink"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="360" HEIGHT="305"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "The Doctor goes sailing into the drink"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"That's all right," says Windy. "But where's your Injun now?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Steve, flabbergasted, "that's kind of true, too; he has +vanished some." +</P> + +<P> +"I bet you money," says the Doctor, "that Bill does him." +</P> + +<P> +"I hate to rob the poor in mind," says Steve. "And yet I'd like to +lose that bet—make it a month's wages?" +</P> + +<P> +"I'm for standin' by my friend," says the Doctor. "I'll bet you up to +the first of January." +</P> + +<P> +"Got you," says Steve. "You know where you can borrow chewin', anyhow. +Any other gentleman want part of this?" +</P> + +<P> +Steve had money he'd drew out of his poker game up-town, so the rest of +us stood not to live high until after January first, if Foxey Bill +didn't lick that sheep. We didn't believe he would, but he carried our +money. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-125"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-125.jpg" ALT=""A ha ha! cut in two in the middle"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="367" HEIGHT="271"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "A ha ha! cut in two in the middle"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +Well, sir, it was a tough time waitin' for the combat to come off. +Bill simply despised the sheep. Couldn't stand near to him. The only +time he'd stay by the house was when the sheep was off somewheres. +And, of course, it was strictly against the rules for any person to +aid, abet, or help either warrior, or interfere in any way, shape, or +manner. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-126"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-126.jpg" ALT=""That woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="371" HEIGHT="302"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "That woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +I was two mile out from camp one day, when I heard "Ke-bang, ke-bang, +ke-bang-ety, bang-bang-bang-bang!" The Doctor was losin' off all the +guns in the shack to once. I hollered to Steve, him to Windy, and then +we flew for home, leavin' the calves to their own responsibilities for +a while. +</P> + +<P> +The other boys was on hand when we arrived, their faces shinin' with +excitement, and yellin' to us for the love of Moses to shake a leg +before it was too late. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-127"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-127.jpg" ALT=""Chases himself off to the sky-line for another try"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="365" HEIGHT="224"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "Chases himself off to the sky-line for another try"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +Poor Billy was pickin' himself up, after rollin' over three times, and +the durned ram was prancin' away, wigglin' his tail like little boys +does their fingers, with a thumb to the nose. +</P> + +<P> +The Doctor explained to us, whilst we was waitin' for the next jar. +"There's Bill," says he, "eatin' his meal out of his half-a-barrel as +quiet and decent a citizen as you'll find anywheres. That's his grub +and he don't like grass. Well, what must that quar'lsome hunk of horns +and mutton do, but try to shove him away from there. Mind you, that +ram does like grass, and he's got several hundred thousand square mile +of it to lunch on—but no, sir! What he must have is a hunk of bread +out of Billy's barrel. Now, Billy's no hog—he lets him have the piece +of bread—then the ram wants the hull barrel; hoops, staves, and all. +That's too hootin' goldarn many for anybody to stand, by ninety-nine +per cent., so Bill slams him one. The ram walks off and fetches him a +swat like hittin' a side of beef with a fourteen-foot board. Poor old +Bill rolls three yards. Then he takes after the brute, but the ram +runs away as usual. Billy thinks the fight is over and goes on with +his eatin'. You're just in time to see the end of the second round. +Bill's <I>goin'</I> to lick him, but cuss me if I see <I>how</I>. He can't get +<I>at</I> that blaatin', skippin' mess of wickedness. He don't understand +at all. If the sheep would give him one fair hack, he'd show +him—Look! Oh, Lordy! There he goes again! <I>Damn</I> that sheep!" +</P> + +<P> +It was an awful sight for Billy's friends to witness. I'll never tell +you how many times he went rollin' down the hill, only to come back as +game and useless as a rooster fightin' his reflection in a lookin' +glass. He'd chase after the sheep, gruntin' fierce, but pshaw! the +critter'd simply trot right away from him, wigglin' that insultin' tail +in his face. Old Billy's tail was coiled as tight as a watch-spring +with rage. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-129"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-129.jpg" ALT=""The durned ram was prancin' away"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="367" HEIGHT="249"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "The durned ram was prancin' away"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"He'll <I>do</I> him," says the Doctor. "He sure <I>will</I>! Now you wait!" +</P> + +<P> +"I am waitin'," says Steve, at the end of the twentieth round. +"Waitin' and waitin'. The only play that I see Billy makin' is for the +sheep to break his neck buntin' him. You hand me that rifle. I'll now +bet the crowd there's a dead sheep here in five seconds by the watch. +I can't stand this." +</P> + +<A NAME="img-130"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-130.jpg" ALT=""He was knocked galley-west"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="363" HEIGHT="227"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "He was knocked galley-west"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +But we wouldn't let him cut in. Fair play is fair play. +</P> + +<P> +"Boys," says Wind River soft, "Bill has laid his ropes—I see it in his +eye!" +</P> + +<P> +"G'wan!" says Steve. "You see it in your own eye!" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, you watch," says Windy. "Bill and me has been pretty well +acquainted ever since that day he called me a liar—look at him now!" +</P> + +<P> +Sure enough. Bill was nosin' his barrel away from the house. I +couldn't see the point exactly, but took it on faith. +</P> + +<P> +He was knocked galley-west and crooked three times before he moved the +thing a rod, but whatever he had in his mind, he calmly went on with it +as soon as he got up. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, thunder!" says the Doctor. "See him now! Billy, you're an old +fool! You'll get butted plumb into the crik, next pass!" For Bill had +pushed the barrel to within five foot of the edge of the creek. And +when he heard the Doctor talk, I'll take my oath, that pig looked up +and smiled. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-131"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-131.jpg" ALT=""That pig looked up and smiled"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="363" HEIGHT="155"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "That pig looked up and smiled"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"He's got him now!" says Wind River. "He's got him now, for all my +next year's salary! I see it in his face!" +</P> + +<P> +And Windy was so dead sure he impressed the rest of us. So there's +silence, whilst old Foxey Bill is chewin' away in the barrel, and the +ram is comin' over the grass—t-r-rmt, t-r-rrmt—as hard as he can +paste her, head down and eyes shut. Bill, he doesn't see anything +either, until there ain't more'n three foot of air between 'em, and +then he jumps aside! +</P> + +<P> +"Swoosh!" goes the ram into the water, and Billy straightens out his +little curly tail and waves it in the air like a flag. And holler! I +wisht you could have heard that pig! Nothing could been more human. +"I've got the deady-deady on you, you hook-nosed, slab-sided, second +cousin of a government mule!" says he. "Oh! I've got you where I want +you and the way I want you, and it's up to you to convert yourself into +cash at the earliest opportunity, for you won't be worth much in the +market when I'm tired of my fun!" This he says as he gallops to the +other side, to head the sheep off, his mild blue eye on fire. I tell +you it's dangerous to rouse up a fat person with a mild blue eye. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-133"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-133.jpg" ALT=""And holler! I wisht you could have heard that pig"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="371" HEIGHT="363"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "And holler! I wisht you could have heard that pig"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +A sheep don't swim much better than a mowin' machine, and this feller +got desperate—he was for the shore, no matter what broke. And Bill +ripped the wool out of him for fair as he tried to scramble up. +</P> + +<P> +"Our fight, Steve!" says the Doctor. "I <I>knew</I> he'd do him all the +time! You throw up the sponge and we'll yank the critter out!" +</P> + +<P> +"Let him drown," says Steve. "I don't like him, hide nor hair—and, +besides, think what he's cost me." +</P> + +<P> +But that wouldn't do. Hastings would have looked so mournful, +happiness couldn't get along in the same territory with him. So out +comes Mr. Ram. Done. Everlastingly done. All in and the cover +screwed down. We pointed our fingers at him and did a war-dance around +him, sayin': "Agh—hagh! You will, will you? Now, don't you wish +you'd been good!" He hadn't a word to say. And that good old Billy, +he comes up and rubs Wind River's legs out from under him just as +natural as ever, not set up or swell-headed a bit, like the gentleman +he was. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-134"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-134.jpg" ALT=""Done. Everlastingly done"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="369" HEIGHT="195"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "Done. Everlastingly done"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +The ram eat his grass and minded his own business from that time on. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap07"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +For Sale, the Golden Queen +</H3> + + +<P> +This is the story of the great Golden Queen deal, as Hy Smith told it, +after recovering his sanity: +</P> + +<P> +Aggy and me were snug up against it. One undeserved misfortune after +another had come along and swatted us, till it looked as though we'd +have to work for a living. But we plugged along at the Golden Queen, +taking out about thirty cents a day—coarse, gold, fortunately—and at +last we had 'bout an ounce and a half. Then says Aggy: +</P> + +<P> +"We could sell this mine, Hy, if we only put our profits in the right +place." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," says I. "This is a likely outfit around here to stick a +gravel-bank on, ain't it? Good old Alder Gulch people, and folks from +down Arizony way, and the like of that! Suppose you tried it on Uncle +Peters, for instance—d'ye know what he'd say? Well, this 'ud be about +the size of it: 'Unh, unh! Oh, man! Oh, dear me! That ain't no way +to salt a mine, Ag! No, no! You'd oughter done this, and that—that's +the way we used to do in Californy—nice weather, ain't it? No, +thanks—I don't care to buy no placer mines—lots of country left yet +for the taking up of it—it's a mighty good mine, I admit—you'd better +keep it.' That's what he'd say." +</P> + +<P> +Ag combed his whiskers with his fingers. "I don't think we could close +out to Uncle Peters," says he. +</P> + +<P> +"And if you tried some of the rest of 'em, they'd walk on your frame +for insulting their intelligence. Perhaps you was thinking of inviting +Pioche Bill Williams up to take a look at the ground?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well, no," says Aggy, slowly. "I don't think I'd care to irritate +Bill—he's mighty careless with firearms." +</P> + +<P> +"I should remark. I ain't a cautious man myself in some ways, and I've +met a stack of fellers that was real liberal in their idees, but for a +man that takes no kind of interest in what comes afterward, give me +Pioche Bill. Oh, no, Aggy, we don't sell any placer mines in these +parts." +</P> + +<P> +"I tell you what," says Ag. "Let's go up to town. Stands to reason +there must be a mut or two up there—somebody just dying to go out and +haul wealth out of the soil." +</P> + +<P> +"We're a good advertisement for the business. We look horrible +prosperous, don't we?" says I. +</P> + +<P> +The main deck of Ag's pants was made of a flour sack. I had a pretty +decent pair, but my coat was one-half horse blanket and the other half +odds and ends. Ag had a long-tailed coat he used to wear when he was +doing civil engineering jobs. +</P> + +<P> +"We could fix one man out fairly well," says he. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes; and the other would look like the losing side of a scarecrow +revolution." +</P> + +<P> +"Wait a minute," says he, "I'm thinking." So he sat and twisted his +whiskers and whistled through his teeth. +</P> + +<P> +"I've got it!" says he. "The whole business right down to the dot! +Darned if it ain't the best scheme I ever lit on! Here's what happened +to us: We're two honest prospectors that have been gophering around +this country for years, never touching a colour, grub running low, +and—well, there ain't any use bothering with that part now. I can +think it up when the time comes. Here's the cream of the plant. We've +had such a darn hard time of it that when at last, under the +extraordinary circumstances which I have recounted before, we light on +the almost undiluted gold of the Golden Queen, your mind is so weakened +that you can't stand the strain of prosperity. You're haunted with +delusions that you're still a poor man, and I can't keep any decent +clothes on you—fast as I buy 'em you tear 'em up. Now I'm willing to +sell the Golden Queen for the merely nominal sum of—what shall we +strike 'em for? Five hundred? For five hundred dollars, then, so I +can get out of this country to some place where my poor pardner will +receive good medical treatment." +</P> + +<P> +"And I'm the goat?" says I. "Well, I expected that. But do you expect +anybody's going to swallow that guff? It's good. Ag, it would do fine +in a newspaper, but can you find a man to trade five hundred hard iron +dollars for it?" +</P> + +<P> +Aggy drew himself up mighty proud. "I'll tell you what I've done in my +day," says he, "I've made an intelligent man believe that the first +story I told him wasn't so. Can you beat it?" +</P> + +<P> +"I know you, Ag," says I. Then we had to slide down and see if we +could get a small loan off Uncle Peters, for we didn't have enough dust +to finance salting our sand-bank and pay for a trip to town, too. Ag +would have it that we must do our turn for the old man. "It'll amuse +him," says he, "and he's more likely to come forward." Truth of the +matter was, when Aggy got one of his fine idees, he had to let the +neighbourhood in. +</P> + +<P> +Well, sir, Uncle Peters was that pleased he forked over a cartridgeful +without weighing it. My play was to look melancholy, and tear a slit +in my clothes once in a while. I had to just make believe that part +when we was rehearsing for the old man, as there wasn't enough material +to be extravagant with. +</P> + +<P> +So up to town we goes, and if you ever see a picture of hard luck on +two feet, it was me. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm going to strike for a gambling joint," says Ag. "You take a +tin-horn gam, and he knows everything, and that's just the kind of man +I'm looking for." +</P> + +<P> +So when we hit town, Ag sails into the Palace Dance Emporium, where +they had the games running in the middle of the place between the lunch +counter and the bar. He had nerve, had Agamemnon G. Jones. +</P> + +<P> +"Hy," says he, "you'll have to watch the play a little. Mebbe you'd +ought to change some, just as it happens. I'll have to do my lying +according to the way the circumstances fall, so keep your eye peeled, +and whatever you do, do it from the bottom of your heart. I can fix it +so long as you don't queer me by shacking along too easy." +</P> + +<P> +So saying he fixes the new necktie he'd bought down at the corner, +tilts the new hat a little, and braces ahead. He could look more +dressed up on 20 cents' worth of new clothes than some men could with a +whole store behind 'em. +</P> + +<P> +When we got into the place the folks gazed at us. Aggy was leading me +by the hand. +</P> + +<P> +"There," says he, very gentle. "Now sit down, and I'll tell you a +story by and by." +</P> + +<P> +I tore a hole in the coat, and mumbled to myself, and sat down +according to directions. +</P> + +<P> +Then Aggy walks up to where the stud-poker game was blooming. +</P> + +<P> +"Gentlemen," says he, making them a bow, "I trust it won't +inconvenience you any to have my poor unfortunate pardner in your midst +for awhile? I can't desert him, and I do like to play a little cards +now and then." +</P> + +<P> +"What's the matter with him?" asks the dealer. +</P> + +<P> +Ag taps his head. +</P> + +<P> +"Violent?" asks the dealer. +</P> + +<P> +Now, Ag didn't know just how he wanted to have it, so he didn't commit +himself to nothing. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, I can always handle him," says he. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, come right in," says the dealer. "They're only a dollar a +stack." +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Ag, "I'll just invest in $10 worth to pass away the +time—you take dust, don't you?" +</P> + +<P> +"I used to say I wouldn't take anybody's dust," says the dealer, being +funny with such a good customer, "but since I've struck this country +I've found I've gotter." +</P> + +<P> +Ag pulls out the old buckskin sack, that would hold enough to support +quite a family through the winter. It was stuffed with gravel stones. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, here!" says he, whilst he was fumbling with the strings. "No use +to open that—I've got another package—what you might call small +change." Then he digs up Uncle Peters' cartridge shell. +</P> + +<P> +I want to tell you I had my own troubles keeping my face together while +Ag was doing his work. You never see any such good-natured, +old-fashioned patriarch as he was. When they beat him out of a hand +he'd laugh fit to kill himself. +</P> + +<P> +"You're welcome, boys!" he'd say. "There's plenty more of it." +</P> + +<P> +At the same time, you wouldn't live high on all you could make out of +Aggy on a stud-poker game. He was playing 'em right down to cases, yet +the way he talked, he seemed like the most liberal cuss that ever threw +good money away. Of course, they had to ask him about his pardner and +the rest of it whilst the cards were being shuffled, and a few +inquiring remarks drew the whole sad story out of Ag. +</P> + +<P> +"It's mighty tough," says he; "Hy's a fine-looking feller, when he's +dressed decent; but the sight of new clothes on himself makes him +furious; he foams and rips till he's tore them to gun-wadding." +</P> + +<P> +"Where did you say this here claim of yours was?" asks the dealer. +</P> + +<P> +"Up on Silver Creek—just below Murphy's butte," answers Ag politely. +</P> + +<P> +Then that dealer put in a lot of foxy questions making poor, innocent, +unsuspecting Aggy give himself dead away. He told how there wasn't +time to look for a buyer that would pay the proper price and he +wouldn't know where to look anyhow, so he'd have to take the first man +that offered, even if he didn't get no more than five hundred for the +claim. +</P> + +<P> +The dealer breathed hard and fairly shuffled the spots off the cards. +</P> + +<P> +"Now," says he, "I sympathise with you—I understand just how you feel +about your pardner. I'm the same kind of man myself, that way. If I +had a pardner in difficulties, I wouldn't mind what I lost on it so +long's I could fix him up." +</P> + +<P> +Here's where I nearly choked to death, for if any man could get the +price of a meal off that tinhorn, without sitting on his chest and +feeding him the end of a six-shooter, his face was one of the meanest +tricks a deserving man ever had sprung on him. +</P> + +<P> +"So if I was you," continued the dealer, "I'd get him out of this +country quick, and as for your claim, why, I don't mind if I held you +out on that myself," says he. "I don't want no mines; I wouldn't +bother with it, only I see you're a good, kind-hearted man, and it's my +motto that such people ought to be encouraged. Now, what do you say if +we start for a look at the territory this afternoon? Nothing like +doing things up while you are at it." Aggy kind of scratched his head +as if this hurry surprised him. "I didn't just think of letting it go +so sudden," said he. "You know I'm kind of attached to the place." +</P> + +<P> +"That's all foolishness," says the dealer. "Your poor pardner there +wants attention—you can see that—and I don't believe you're the sort +of man to let him go on suffering when there ain't no need of it." +</P> + +<P> +"No," says Aggy, thoughtfully, "that's so." +</P> + +<P> +"And would you mind," says the dealer, his hand fairly trembling to get +hold of it, "just letting me have a squint at that gunny-sack full of +dust you have in your clothes?" I didn't require any hint from Ag that +it was my place to be violent. With one loud holler I landed on my ear +on the floor and kicked the poker table on top of the dealer. More'n a +half-dozen men hopped on to me, and we had it for fair all over the +place. I gave 'em the worth of their time before they got me in the +corner. +</P> + +<P> +"Whew!" says Aggy, wiping his brow, "this is the worst attack he's had +yet." +</P> + +<P> +"Just what I was telling you," says the dealer, very confidential and +earnest. "You want to get him away from here quick—I've had some +experience in those kinds of cases, and when I see your friend's face, +I knew you wanted to get a move on." +</P> + +<P> +"It's dreadful, ain't it?" says Ag. "I believe you're in the right +about it—but, say, I feel that I'd ought to pay for the lamp he +busted." +</P> + +<P> +"Not at all," says the dealer, as generous as could be. "Not at all! +That's an accident might have happened to any gentleman. Now, I'll +just take a friend along, and we'll sail right out to your place. Can +you drive there?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes!" said Aggy. "The roads ain't anything extra, but you can +make it all right." +</P> + +<P> +So away goes the four of us that afternoon. Ag and me, we felt leary +of the fourth man at first. He let on to be considerable of a miner, +but after a bit we sized him up. +</P> + +<P> +"Did you ever," says Aggy whilst they was talking this and that about +mines, "did you ever run your pay dirt through a ground-sluice rocker +that was fitted up with double amalgam plates, top and bottom, and had +the apron sewed on to a puddle board that slanted up, instead of down?" +</P> + +<P> +"Why, sure!" says that feller, judging from Aggy's tone of voice that +this was the proper thing to do. "We didn't use to handle our dirt no +other way out in Uckle-Chuckle county." +</P> + +<P> +"Is that so?" cries Aggy, very much surprised. "Well, do you know that +very few people do?" +</P> + +<P> +"It makes me tired," answers the man in a knowing way, "to think of the +way some folks mines. Now that you've called my attention to it, I +don't recollect that I've heard of anybody using a ground-sluice rocker +the way you speak of, since I left old Uckle-Chuckle county." And here +I got a little violent again, because I can't conceal my feelings as +well as Ag. I had to have several attacks on the way out when Ag was +brought to close quarters, but we did pretty well on the trip. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, gentlemen, there's the Golden Queen!" says Aggy when we turned +the bend in the creek. "Seems funny that such an uninteresting-looking +heap of rocks and stuff as that should be a gold mine, don't it?" +</P> + +<P> +He sees by their faces that they was a little disappointed and that +he'd better get in his crack first. Then the question come up of how +we was to get them fellers to dig where we wanted 'em to without +letting 'em see we wanted 'em to. But, Ag, he was able for it. +</P> + +<P> +"Gentlemen," says he, "just stick your pick in anywhere's—one place is +just as good as another. [That was the gospel truth.] But if you don't +know just where to start suppose we try an old miner's trick, that Mr. +Johnson there, I make no doubt, has done a hundred times." +</P> + +<P> +Johnson, he smiled hearty. "Yes, yes! That old game!" says he. "I'd +nearly forgot all about it—let's see—how is it you do it?" +</P> + +<P> +"First you throw up a rock," says Ag. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, now I remember! Sure!" says Johnson. "You throw up a rock——" +He stopped, smiling feeble and uncertain, waiting to hear the rest of +it. +</P> + +<P> +"Suppose we let Mr. Daggett [that was the tinhorn] do the throwing?" +says Aggy. "He's a new chum, and we fellers always feel they have the +luck. You may think this is all foolish superstition," says he, +turning to the gambler, "but I tell you, honest, there's a good deal in +it," and that was the second true thing Ag said that day. +</P> + +<P> +Daggett, he threw up the rock. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, go and stand over it," says Ag. Daggett's goes over according, +but he ain't pointed in the right direction. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, you turn around three times." +</P> + +<P> +But after he done it we weren't no better oft than before, for the +chump landed just as he had started. +</P> + +<P> +Ag surveyed the ground. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, you walk backward three steps, then four to the left, then back +five more—ain't that it?" turning to Johnson. +</P> + +<P> +"That's it!" says Johnson, slapping his leg. "That's her! The same +old game! Lord! how it all comes back to a feller!" +</P> + +<P> +"And just where you land, you dig," finishes Ag, handing Daggett's pick. +</P> + +<P> +Daggett sinks the pick to the eye the first crack. +</P> + +<P> +"Gosh!" says he. "Seems kind of soft here!" +</P> + +<P> +"Is that so?" cried Aggy, highly excited. "Then you've struck gold for +sure!" Having put it there himself he felt reasonably certain about it. +</P> + +<P> +Well, they scraped up the bedrock, and Aggy offered to let Johnson pan +it, but Johnson said he'd had to quit mining because his hands got so +sore swinging a pan, so Daggett he kind of scrambled the dirt out after +a fashion, and there at the bottom was our ounce and a half of gold! +Well, I want to tell you there was some movement around there. We +weren't in the same fix of a friend of mine who loaded a pan for a +tenderfoot with four solid ounces, and when he slid the water around on +that nice little yeller new moon in the corner of the pan, "Humph!" +says the tenderfoot, "don't you get any more gold than that out of so +much dirt?" +</P> + +<P> +Four ounces to the pan only means about a hundred thousand dollars a +day income. +</P> + +<P> +"Gooramighty!" says my friend, plumb disgusted. "I'd have had to +borrow all the dust there is on the creek to satisfy you—did you think +it was all gold?" +</P> + +<P> +It broke my heart to see the way that man Daggett washed the fine gold +into the creek, but he was familiar enough with handling the dust to +know that an ounce was good money, even if it did look small. He +turned pale, and begun to dig for dear life. There was no prying him +loose. Well, that's a point Aggy hadn't counted on. He managed to +slide over near me. +</P> + +<P> +"For heaven's sake, Hy!" he whispers, "fly down to Uncle Peters' and +get some more dust or we're ruined! I'll put it in the pan somehow, if +you'll only get it here! Hold the old man up if you have to—but get +that dust!" +</P> + +<P> +I begun to holler very melancholy, and prance around. By and by I +pulled my freight loose and careless down creek. +</P> + +<P> +"Say!" says Johnson, "there goes your friend, Mr. Jones! Shall I ketch +him?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, no," says Aggy. "Let him alone—he's used to it around +here—he'll be back right away again." +</P> + +<P> +When I got out of sight I humped for Uncle Peters. +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" says the old man, when I told him our troubles. "Take the +whole blasted clean-up, Hy. We honest men has got to stand by each and +one another—don't let that rascally tinhorn escape." +</P> + +<P> +So I grabbed Uncle Peters' hard-earned savings and hustled back again. +</P> + +<P> +As soon as I got in good view of the outfit, I knew something was +wrong, by the look of Ag's face; but what it was got me, for there was +both them fellers in the hole now, digging dirt like all possessed. +Daggett had busted his supenders, and the other lad's coat was ripped +up the back; but they didn't care; they were mauling the fair face of +nature like genuine lunatics, and cussing and swearing in their hurry. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, what's the matter with Ag?" thinks I. "Them fellers ain't got +on yet, that's certain," but he looked as if he'd swallowed a stroke of +lightning the wrong way. Never see a man—particular a man with Aggy's +nerve—look so much like two cents on the dollar. I didn't have to be +cautious in my approach; our friends were too busy to notice me. +</P> + +<P> +"What the devil's loose, Ag?" says I. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, nothing!" says he. "Nothing much! They're taking it out by the +hatful, that's all. Look!" +</P> + +<P> +I looked, and sure enough! There was the pan with a small-sized +shovelful of yaller-boys in it—pieces that would weigh up to $10 some +of them. I couldn't believe my eyes. +</P> + +<P> +"Where'd they get it?" says I. +</P> + +<P> +"Out of the claim," says Aggy. +</P> + +<P> +I nearly fell dead. "Out of the claim!" I yelled in a whisper. "Go +on! Your whiskers are growing in!" +</P> + +<P> +"Straight goods," says Ag, "and I had to stand here and see them do it! +The Golden Queen is all my fancy painted her. The second pass that +ice-pick-faced mut made he brought up a chunk as big as a biscuit. 'Is +that gold?' says he. 'Oh, yes!' says I. 'That's gold!' The truth +come out of me before I thought—it knocked me to see that chunk. +First time I ever made such a break—well—well. Why didn't it occur +to me to try the taste of that piece of ground before I put in my +flavouring? I was so d—d sure there wasn't $13 worth of metal in the +whole twenty acres! Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! To sprinkle a pocket that's +near half gold with a little old pinch of dust, is one of them +ridiculous and extravagant excesses my friend Shakespeare mentions! If +there was a lily around here, I'd paint it, so's to go the whole hog." +</P> + +<P> +"What in the name of all the Mormon gods are we going to do?" says I. +</P> + +<P> +"Leave me think," he answers. And again he pulls his whiskers and +whistles through his teeth. +</P> + +<P> +There came a horrible yell from the hole. Daggett held up what seemed +like a yaller potato. "Hooray!" says he. "Ain't that a humming bird?" +</P> + +<P> +"You want to think quick," says I. "I feel something like murder +rising in my veins." +</P> + +<P> +"By gosh!" says Ag, snapping his fingers. "I've got her! Come to, you +son-of-a-gun. Come to!" +</P> + +<P> +"How's that?" I asked, not just tumbling exactly. +</P> + +<P> +"Come to!" says Ag. "Regain your scattered intelligence! How in +blazes can I sell, then, without your consent?" +</P> + +<P> +"Right you are! I'm off!" says I. And with that I cut loose. +</P> + +<P> +"Help!" howls Aggy; "help!" +</P> + +<P> +The two fellers were too busy to want to stop, but after I sent a brace +of rocks in their direction, they concluded it might be as well to +quiet me first. Lord! How I did carry on! I gave Ag the wink and +pulled for the creek, and it was not long before, with Aggy's help, in +we all three went, kersock. +</P> + +<P> +They pulled me out and laid me on the bank, insensible. +</P> + +<P> +"He's dead, I reckon," says Daggett. +</P> + +<P> +"No," says Aggy, "I can feel his pulse beat, but it does seem to me +there's a different look in his face somehow." +</P> + +<P> +Then I opened my eyes. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, Agamemnon," says I, "what am I doing here?" +</P> + +<P> +"Hush!" says he, "you ain't been well." +</P> + +<P> +"Dear me! You don't say!" And I rubbed my forehead with my hand. +</P> + +<P> +"But I feel all right now—have I been this way long?" +</P> + +<P> +"Nigh on to six months, Hy, old horse; ever since we hit it so rich on +our claim—don't you remember about that?" +</P> + +<P> +"Certainly," says I. "It seems like yesterday; it's as clear—but who +are these people?" +</P> + +<P> +Ag let on to be very much embarrassed. "Well," says he, +"why—hunh—why—to tell you the truth, I thought I ought to get you +out of the country, to where you could see an expensive doctor, and +these are some folks I brought down to buy the claim—you being sick, +you know!" +</P> + +<P> +"Buy the claim!" I hollers, jumping up. "Buy the claim? What's this +you're giving me? After all my toils and hardships and one thing and +another, to sell the Golden Queen? Well, I want you to understand that +nobody buys this claim, except across my dead body," says I. +</P> + +<P> +Aggy, he looks completely dumfounded. "My! This puts me in an awkward +fix," he says. "Gentlemen, you see how I'm up against it? I can't +sell without my partner's consent, now he's in his right mind; and, as +far as that goes, the only reason I wanted to sell is removed. The +dicker's off, that's the long and short of it." +</P> + +<P> +Oh, how pleased that tinhorn looked! He swallowed three times and got +red in the face before he answered a word. +</P> + +<P> +"This may be all right, but it looks mighty queer to me," he growls. +</P> + +<P> +"The ways of Providence is past understanding," says Aggy, taking off +his hat. "To our poor human minds it does seem queer, no doubt. Now, +Mr. Daggett," he continued, waving his arm in that broad-minded style +he had, "I'm sorry things has come out this way for your sake, although +a man that has such a sympathising nature as you will soon forget his +own disappointment in the general joy that envelopes this camp. And to +show you there's nothing small about me, you can have any one of those +chunks you dug out this afternoon that don't weigh over two dollars." +</P> + +<P> +Daggett sent the chunk to a place where it would melt quick, and +expressed a hope we'd follow it. With that he hopped into his go-cart +and pulled for town, larruping the poor horse sinful. We had the +pleasure of seeing the animile turn the outfit into the gully in return +for the compliment. They scrambled in again and disappeared from view. +Then Aggy reached out his hand to me. +</P> + +<P> +"Don't tell me nothing but the plain truth, old man," says he; "I can't +bear nothing except the plainest kind of truth, but on your sacred word +of honour, ain't your uncle Ag a corker?" +</P> + +<P> +"Aggy," says I, "I ain't up to the occasion. There ain't a man on +earth could do credit to your qualities but yourself." +</P> + +<P> +Then we shook hands mighty hearty. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap08"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +Where the Horse is Fate +</H3> + + +<P> +One thing's certain, you can't run a sheep ranch, nor no other kind of +ranch, without hired men. They're the most important thing, next to +the sheep. I may have stated, absent-mindedly, that the Big Bend was +organised on scientific principles: none of your +gol-darned-heads-or-tails—who's-it—what-makes-the-ante-shy, about it. +Napoleon Buonaparte in person, in his most complex minute, couldn't +have got at this end of it better than I did. It looked a little +roundabout, but that's the way with your Morgan strain of idees. +Here's how I secured the first man—he didn't look like good material +to the careless eye. +</P> + +<P> +Burton and me had just turned the top of that queer hill, that +overlooks the Southwest road into the Bad Lands, when I see a parcel of +riders coming out. Somehow, they jarred me. +</P> + +<P> +"Easy," says I, and grabs Burton's bridle. +</P> + +<P> +"What the devil now?" he groans. "Injuns? Road-agents?" +</P> + +<P> +"Nope," says I, getting out my field glass. I had guessed it: there +was the bunch, riding close and looking ugly, with the white-faced man +in the middle. If you should ask me how I knew that for a lynching, +when all I could make out with my eyes was that they weren't cattle, I +give it up. Seems like something passed from them to me that wasn't +sight. And also if you ask why, when through the glass I got a better +view of the poor devil about to be strung, I felt kind towards him, you +have me speechless again. I couldn't make out his face, but there was +something—— +</P> + +<A NAME="img-160"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-160.jpg" ALT="Through the glass I got a better view of the poor devil about to be strung" BORDER="2" WIDTH="368" HEIGHT="493"> +<H3> +[Illustration: Through the glass I got a better view <BR> +of the poor devil about to be strung] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"See here, Burton," says I. "There's your peaceful prairie hanging, in +its early stage." +</P> + +<P> +"What!" says he, sick and hot at the same time. "How can you speak of +the death of a human being so heartlessly? Let me go!" +</P> + +<P> +"Hold!" says I. "You haven't heard me through. Perhaps you can be +more use than to run away and hide your eyes. I ain't got a' word to +say against quick law. I've seen her work, and she works to a point. +She beats having the lawyers sieving all the justice out of it. All +the same, they've been too careless around here—that, and a small bad +boy's desire to get their names up. I know one case where they hung a +perfectly innocent man, for fun, and to brag about it." +</P> + +<P> +He looked at me steady. I had suspected him of being no coward, when +it comes to cases. +</P> + +<P> +"Now," I says, "I don't know what that is down there. Perhaps it's all +right; then you and me has got to stand by. If not—well, by the +sacred photograph of Mary Ann, here's one roping that won't be an +undiluted pleasure. Now listen. I'm something of a high private, when +it comes to war, but no man is much more than one man, if the other +side's blood is bad. Give 'em to me cold, and I can throw a crimp into +'em, for I don't care a hoot at any stage of the game, and they do. +But when they're warm—why, a hole between the eyes will stop me just +as quick as though I wasn't Chantay Seeche Red. Are you with me? You +never took longer chances in your life." +</P> + +<P> +He wet his lips, and didn't speak very loud nor steady, but he says: +"You lead." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, hooray, Boston!" says I. "Beans is good food. Now don't take +it too serious till you have to. Perhaps there ain't more'n a laugh in +it. But—it's like smooth ice. How deep she is, you know when she +cracks, or don't. Be as easy as you can when we get up to 'em. +Nothing gained by bulling the ring. We must be prepared to look +pleasant and act very different. Turn your back and see that your toy +pistol is working." +</P> + +<P> +Well, poor Burton! Wisht you seen him fumble his gun. +</P> + +<P> +"I can't <I>see</I> the thing," says he, kind of sniffling. "I'd give +something to be a man." +</P> + +<P> +"You'll do for an imitation," I says. "Remember, I was born with red +hair; comes trouble, this hair of mine sheds a red light over the +landscape; I get happy-crazy; it's summer, and I can smell the flowers; +there's music a long ways off—why, I could sing this minute, but +there's no use in making matters worse. Honest, trouble makes me just +drunk enough to be limber and—talk too much. Come on." +</P> + +<P> +We single-footed it down the hillside. The party stopped and drawed +together, four men quietly making a rank in front. That crowd had +walked barefoot. +</P> + +<P> +We come to twenty yards of 'em in silence; then a tall lad swung out +towards us. +</P> + +<P> +"How, Kola!" says I, wavin' my hand pleasant. +</P> + +<P> +"How do you do!" says he, as if it wouldn't break his heart, no matter +what the answer was. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, nicely, thank you to hell," says I. "What's doin'? Horse race?" +</P> + +<P> +"Probably," says he; then kind of yawning: "We're not expectin' company +this morning." +</P> + +<P> +"Well," I answered, "it's the unexpected always happens, except the +exceptions. You talk like a man that's got something on his mind." +</P> + +<P> +Don't think I'd lost my wits and was pickin' a row to no advantage. +I'll admit the gent riled me some, but the point I had in view was what +old Judge Hinky used to call "shifting the issue." I wanted to make +one stab at just one man—not the whole party—on grounds that the rest +of the crowd, who was plainly all good two-handed punchers, would see +was perfectly fair. And I intended to land that stab so's they'd see I +was no trifler. It was my bad luck that not a soul in the crowd knew +me—even by reputation, or my hair would have made it easy for me. So +I put a little ginger in the tone of my voice. +</P> + +<P> +"My friend," says the tall lad, "I wouldn't advise you to get gay with +us. I would advise you to move right on—or I'll move you." +</P> + +<P> +He played to me, you see. If he'd said, "<I>We</I>'ll move you," I'd had to +chaw with him some more. Now I had him. Right under the harmless +bundle of old clothes dangling from the saddle horn was the gun I'd +borrowed from Ike—Mary Ann's twin sister, full of cartridges loaded by +Ike himself—no miss-fire government issue. The next second that gun +had its cold, hard eye upon Long Jim in front of me. +</P> + +<P> +Whilst my hands seemed carelessly crossed on the horn, my right was +really closed on the gun. +</P> + +<P> +"I like to see a man back his advice," says I. "It's your move. Don't +any other gentleman get restless with his hands, or I'll make our +Christian brother into a collection of holes. Now, you ill-mannered +brute," I says, "I don't care what your business is: it's my business +to see that you give me civil answers to civil questions." +</P> + +<P> +He shrunk some. He was too durned important, anyhow, that feller. +</P> + +<P> +"Quick!" says I. "Lord of the Mormon hosts! Do you think I'm going to +yappee with you all day? Nice morning, ain't it? Say 'yes.'" +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," says he. +</P> + +<P> +"I thought so," says I. "It's a raw deal when a man that's sat a horse +as long as me can't say howdy on the open, without havin' a pup like +you bark at him." +</P> + +<P> +"Why," says he, feelin' distressed, "I didn't mean to make no bad play +at you." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder towards the prisoner, +who sat like a white stone. "That's it. Misplaced horse. Got him +with the goods." +</P> + +<P> +"Oh!" says I. "Well, 'twouldn't have done no harm to mention that +first place. I wasn't noticing you particular, till you got too much +alive for any man of my size to stand." I dropped my gun. "Excuse +haste and a bad pen," says I; "but why don't I draw cards? Both +parents were light complected and I've voted several times. How is it, +boys?" +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" says they. "Take a stack, brick-top." +</P> + +<P> +"Gentlemen," I says; "one word more and I am done. The question as to +whether my hair is any particular colour or not, is discussed in +private, by familiar friends only—savvy the burro, how he kickee with +hees hin' leg?" +</P> + +<P> +They laughed. +</P> + +<P> +"All right, Colonel!" says they. "Come with us!" +</P> + +<P> +I had that crowd. You see, they was all under twenty-five, and if +there's anything a young man likes—a good, hearty boy—it's to see a +brisk play pushed home. I'd called 'em down so their spinal columns +shortened, and gagging about my hair, and the style I put on in +general, caught their eye. And their own laughing and easiness wasn't +so durned abandoned, as Charley Halleck used to say. There was a +streak of not liking the job, and everything a little "put on," evident +to the practised vision. +</P> + +<P> +I'd gained two points. Made myself pretty solid with the boys, for +one, and give 'em something besides hanging their fellow-man to think +of for another: distracted their attention, which you got to do with +children. +</P> + +<P> +"I speak for my friend," says I, pointing to Burton. +</P> + +<P> +"We hear you talk, Colonel," says the joker. "He's with us." So we +trotted on towards the cotton-woods. +</P> + +<P> +The line of work was marked out for me. I put on a grim look and sized +the prisoner up from time to time as though he was nothing but an +obstruction to my sight, although the face of the poor devil bit my +heart. He glanced neither way, mouth set, face green-white, the slow +sweat glassy all over him. Not a bad man, by a mile, I knew. It don't +take me a week to size a man up, and I've seen 'em in so many +conditions, red and pale, sick, dead, and well, that outside symptoms +don't count for much. +</P> + +<P> +I noticed another thing, that I expected. Out of the corner of my eye +I see them boys nudgin' each other and talkin' about me. And the more +I rode along so quiet, the more scart of me they got. +</P> + +<P> +I tell you how I'd test a brave man. I'd line the competitors up, and +then spring a fright behind them. Last man to cross the mark is the +bravest man—still, he might only be the poorest runner. With fellers +like me, it ain't courage at all. It's lunacy. I ain't in my right +mind when a sharp turn comes. Why, I've gone cold a year after, +thinking of things I laughed my way through when they happened. But +I'm not quarrelling with fate—I thank the good Lord I'm built as I am, +and don't feel scornful of a man that keeps his sense and acts scart +and reasonable. +</P> + +<P> +In one way, poor old Burton, lugging himself into the game by the +scruff of his pants, showed more real man than I did. Yet, he couldn't +accomplish anything; so there you are, if you know where that is. +</P> + +<P> +I said nothing until we slid off beneath the first tree. Then I walked +up to the three leaders and says, whilst the rest gathered around and +listened: +</P> + +<P> +"Has this critter been tried?" +</P> + +<P> +"Why, no!" says one man. "We caught him on the horse." +</P> + +<P> +"Yes, yes, yes," says I, raising my voice. "That's all right. But +lend me your ears till I bray a thought or two. I'm that kind of a man +that wouldn't string the meanest mistake the devil ever made without +givin' him a trial." +</P> + +<P> +"You give me a lot of trial this morning," says Long Jim. +</P> + +<P> +I wasn't bringing up any argument; I was pulling them along with a +mother's kind but firm hand, so I says to him: "Ah! I wasn't talking +about <I>gentlemen</I>; I'd shoot a gentleman if he did or didn't look +cross-eyed at me, just as I happened to feel. I'm talking about a man +that's suspected of dirty work." +</P> + +<P> +Now, when a man that's held you stiff at the end of a gun calls you a +gentleman, you don't get very mad—just please remember my audience, +when I tell you what I talked. Boys is boys, at any age; otherwise +there wouldn't be no Knights Templars with tin swords nor a good many +other things. I spoke grand, but they had it chalked down in their +little books I was ready and willing to act grander. Had I struck any +one or all of 'em, on the range, thinking of nothing special, and +Fourth-o'-July'd to 'em like that, they would have give me the hee-hee. +Howsomever, they was at present engaged in tryin' to hang a man; a job +one-half of which they didn't like, and would dispose of the balance +cheap, for cash. And I'd run over their little attempt to be pompous +like a 'Gul engine. Position is everything, you bet your neck. +</P> + +<P> +So up speaks Mr. Long Jim, that I've called a gentleman, loud and clear. +</P> + +<P> +"You're <I>right</I>," says he, and bangs his fist into his other hand. +"You're dead right, old horse," says he; "and we'll try this +son-of-a-gun now and here." +</P> + +<P> +"Sure!" says everybody, which didn't surprise me so much. I told you I +was used to handling sheep. +</P> + +<P> +After a little talk with his friend, Long Jim comes up and says: "Will +you preside, Colonel?" +</P> + +<P> +"I have a friend here who is a lawyer," I suggested, waving my hand +toward Burton. +</P> + +<P> +The speaker rubbed his chin. +</P> + +<P> +"I guess this isn't a case for a lawyer," he says. "The gentleman +might give us a point or two, but we'd prefer you took charge. You +see," he says to Burton and me earnestly; "there's been a heap of +skul-duggery around here lately—horse-stealin', maimin' cattle, and +the like—till we're dead sick of it. This bucco made the most +bare-faced try you ever heard of—'twas like stealin' the whiskers +right off your face—and us fellers in my neighbourhood, old man and +all, have saw fit to copper the deal from the soda-card. We ain't for +doin' this man; we're for breaking up the play—'tain't a case of law; +it's a case of livin'—so if you'll oblige, Colonel?" +</P> + +<P> +"All right, sir; I'll do the best I can. Who accuses this man?" +</P> + +<P> +"I," says a straightforward-looking young man of about twenty odd. +</P> + +<P> +"Step up, please, and tell us." +</P> + +<P> +"Why, it's like this," he says. "I'm ranchin' lone-hand down on +Badger. There's the wife and two kiddies, and a job for a circus-man +to make both ends meet—piecin' out a few cattle and a dozen hogs with +a garden patch. All I got between me and a show-down is my team. +Well, this feller comes along, played out, and asks for a drink of +water. My wife's laid up—too darn much hard work for any woman—and +I've got Jerry saddled by the fence, to ride for the doctor. Other +horse is snake bit and weavin' in the stable with a leg like a barrel. +I goes in to get the water, and when I comes out there's this sucker +dustin' off with the horse. Then I run over to C-bar-nine and routs +the boys out. We took out after him, corrallin' him in a draw near the +Grindstones. That's about all." +</P> + +<P> +"Make any fight?" I asked. +</P> + +<P> +"Naw!" says the man, disgusted. "I was wanting to put my hands on him, +but he comes in like a sick cow—seemed foolish." +</P> + +<P> +"How foolish?" +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, just stared at us. We called to him to halt, and he stopped, kind +of grinned at us and says: 'Hello!' I'd a 'hello'd' him if the boys +hadn't stopped me." +</P> + +<A NAME="img-172"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-172.jpg" ALT="We called to him to halt, and he stopped, kind of grinned at us and says: "Hello!"" BORDER="2" WIDTH="357" HEIGHT="486"> +<H3> +[Illustration: We called to him to halt, and he stopped, <BR> +kind of grinned at us and says: "Hello!"] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Prisoner," I says, "this looks bad. I don't know where you come from, +but you must have intelligence enough to see that this man's wife's +life might have depended on that horse. You know we're straggled so +out here that a horse means something more than so much a head. Why +did you do this? Your actions don't seem to hang together." +</P> + +<P> +The poor cuss changed face for the first time. He swallered hard and +turned to his accuser. "Hope your lady didn't come to no harm?" says +he. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, no thankee; she didn't," says the other lad. "'Bliged to you for +inquirin'." +</P> + +<P> +There was a stir in the rest of the crowd. The prisoner had done good +work for himself without knowing it. That question of his proved what +I thought—he was no bad man. Something peculiar in the case. +Swinging an eye on the crowd, I saw I could act. I went forward and +laid my hand on his shoulder, speaking kind and easy. +</P> + +<P> +"Here," says I, "you've done a fool trick, and riled the boys +considerable. You'd been mad, too, if somebody'd made you ride all +day. But now you tell us just what happened. If it was intended to be +comical, we'll kick your pants into one long ache, and let it go at +that; if it was anything else, spit it out." +</P> + +<P> +He stood there, fumblin' with his hands, runnin' the back of one over +his forehead once in a while, tryin' to talk, but unable. You could +see it stick in his throat. +</P> + +<P> +"Take time," says I; "there's lots of it both sides of us." +</P> + +<P> +Then he braced. +</P> + +<P> +"Boys," says he, "I got a wife an' two little roosters too. I feel +sorry for the trouble I made that gentleman. I got split like this. +Come to this town with seven hundred dollars, to make a start. Five +hundred of that's my money, and two hundred m' wife saved up—and she +was that proud and trustin' in me!" He stopped for a full minute, +workin' his teeth together. "Well, I ain't much. I took to boozin' +and tryin' to put the faro games out of business. Well, I went +shy—quick. The five hundred was all right," he says, kind of defiant. +"Man's got a right to do what he pleases with his own money; but … +but … well, the girl worked hard for that little old two hundred. +God Almighty! I was drunk! You don't s'pose I'd do such a thing +sober?" turning to us, savage. "That ain't no excuse, howsomever," he +goes on, droppin' his crop. "Comes to the point when there's nothin' +left, and then I get a letter." He begun taking things out of his +pockets, dropping 'em from his big tremblin' hands. "It's somewheres +here—ain't that it? My eyes is no good." +</P> + +<P> +He hands me a letter, addressed to Martin Hazel, in a woman's writing. +"Well, that druv me crazy. So help me God, sir, I ain't pleadin' for +no mercy—I'll take my medicine—but I didn't know no more what I was +doin' when I jumped your horse than nothin'. I only wanted to get away +from everybody. I was crazy. You read 'em that letter," says he, +taking hold of me. "See if it wouldn't drive any man crazy." +</P> + +<P> +Now, there's no good repeatin' the letter. It wasn't written for an +audience, and the spellin' was accordin' to the lady's own views, but +it was all about how happy they was going to be when Martin had things +fixed up, and how funny the little boy was, and just like his pa, and, +oh, couldn't he fix it so's they'd be with him soon, for her heart was +near broke with waiting. +</P> + +<P> +There was sand in my eyes before I'd read long, and that crowd of +fierce lynchers was lookin' industriously upon the ground. One man +chawed away on his baccy, like there'd be an earthquake if he stopped, +and another lad, with a match in his mouth, scratched a cigarette on +his leg, shieldin' it careful with his hands, and your Uncle Willy +tried to fill a straight face on a four-card draw, and to talk in a +tone of voice I wasn't ashamed of hearing. +</P> + +<P> +During the last part of the letter the prisoner stood thoughtful, with +the back of his hand to his mouth; you'd never known he was settin' his +teeth into it, if it wasn't for the blood dropping from his thumb. +</P> + +<P> +"The prisoner will retire," says I, with the remnants of my +self-respect, "while the court passes sentence. Go sit down under the +tree yonder." He shambled off. Soon's he was out of hearin' the +feller that lost the horse jumps up into the air with an oath like a +streak of lightning. "Here's a fine play we come near makin' by bein' +so sudden," says he. "I wouldn't have that man's death on my soul for +the whole territory—think of that poor woman! And he's paid the +freight. Colonel, I want to thank you for drawin' things down." +</P> + +<P> +So he come up and shook me by the hand, and up files the rest and does +the same thing. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, friends," says I, "hold on. Court hasn't passed sentence yet. I +pass that this crowd put up to the tune of what it can spare to +buy"—consulting the letter—"to buy Peggy a ticket West, kids +included, exceptin' only the gentleman that lost the horse." +</P> + +<P> +"Why, we ain't broke altogether on Badger!" says he. "You ain't goin' +to bar me, boys?" +</P> + +<P> +"Not on your life, if that's the way you feel," says I. I don't know +what amount that crowd could spare, but I'll bet high on one thing. If +you'd strong-armed the gang, you wouldn't start a bank with the +proceeds after the collection was taken. There wasn't a nickel in the +outfit. "I'm glad I didn't bring any more with me," says Burton, +strapping himself. +</P> + +<P> +Of course, I was appointed to break the news to the prisoner. He +busted then; put his head on his arm and cried like a baby. But he +braced quick and stepped up to the lads. "There ain't nothing I can +say except thank you," says he. "I want to get each man's name so's I +can pay him back. Now, if anybody here knows of a job of work I can +get—well, you know what it would mean to me. Sporty life is done for +me, friends; I'll work hard for any man that'll take me." +</P> + +<P> +"I got you," I says. "Come along with me and I'll explain." +</P> + +<P> +Then we said by-by to the boys. I played the grand with 'em still, and +I'll just tell you why, me and you bein' such old friends. Although it +may sound queer, coming from my mouth, yet it was because I thought I +might give them boys the proper steer, sometime. You can't talk +Sunday-school to young fellers like that! They don't pay no attention +to what a gent in black clothes and a choker tells 'em; but suppose +Chantay Seeche Red—rippin', roarin' Red Saunders, that fears the face +of no man, nor the hoof of no jackass—lays his hand on a boy's +shoulder, and says, "Son, I wouldn't twist it just like that." Is he +goin' to get listened to? I reckon yes. So I played straight for +their young imaginations, and I had 'em cinched to the last hole. And +after the last one had pulled my flipper, and hoped he'd meet me soon +again, me and Burton and the new hired man took out after sheep. +"But," says Burton, still sort of dazed, "God only knows what we'll +meet before we find them. Even sheep aren't so peaceful in this +country." +</P> + +<P> +He was right, too. However, when I start for sheep, I get 'em. You +can see by the deep-laid plan I set to catch help for the ranch, how +there's nothing for fortune to do but lay down and holler when I make +up my mind. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap09"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +Agamemnon and the Fall of Troy +</H3> + + +<P> +Me and Aggy were snuggled up against the sandpaper edge as cute as +anything, said Hy Smith. Even our consciences had gone back on +us—they didn't have nothing to work on. The town looked like it had +been deserted and then found by a party of citizens worse off than the +first. +</P> + +<P> +The only respectable thing in the hull darn shack-heap was Aggy's black +long-tailed coat and black-brimmed hat. And they made the rest of the +place look so miserable that Ag wouldn't have wore 'em if he'd had +another hat and a shirt. We was a pair of twin twisters that had +busted our proud and graceful forms on a scrap-iron heap. +</P> + +<P> +I s'pose it was the turible depression of bein' stuck in such a hole, +or some sudden weakenin' of the brain; but anyhow, in that same town of +Lost Dog, Agamemnon G. Jones and Hy Smith ran hollerin' into a faint +away game. +</P> + +<P> +We paid ten dollars for a map showin' the location of the Lost Injun +mine, from a paralytic partially roomin' at the Inter-Cosmopolitan +Hotel. The Inter-Cosmopolitan had got pretty near finished, when the +boom exploded with a loud sigh. +</P> + +<P> +One-half the roof was missin', and the clapboardin' didn't come quite +to the top, but that paralytic took it good-natured, sayin' that as he +wasn't more'n half a man, half a hotel was plenty good enough for him. +But ah! he allus wound up, if he could get the proper motion in his +hind legs, he'd be up and find his Lost Injun mine, and after that no +dull care for him. +</P> + +<P> +I ain't goin' to describe that gentleman any more. When I say he +unloaded a map of that Lost Injun mine, with the very spot marked with +a red cross, anybody'll understand that the paralysis hadn't affected +his head none. +</P> + +<P> +You see, he was so quiet and patient under his afflictions, and he +talked it off so smooth, that the flyest gent that ever lived could be +excused for slippin' up and gettin' stuck in the discourse before he +knew that gravitation was workin' at the same old stand. +</P> + +<P> +Now, for a straight-away dream-builder give me Aggy. He could talk the +horns off a steer, and that steer would beller with happiness to think +he was rid of a nuisance. +</P> + +<P> +Ag stood six-foot-two by two-foot-six, and when he had the long-tailed +coat, the plug hat, and his general-in-the-army whiskers working right, +he only had to stick one hand in his vest and begin, "Fellow-Citizens +and Gentlemen," and he could start anything from a general war to a +barber-shop expedition to gather North Poles. +</P> + +<P> +Give him a good, honest, upright gang of men that would weigh two +hundred a head, and Aggy could romp with their money or them, so the +worst used monkey in the cage would go home pleased. +</P> + +<P> +Ag was built to play with huskies, not paralytics; so one day when he +stooped and turned sideways to get into the paralytic's room, treadin' +soft on the boards so's not to land the outfit in the cellar, the sight +of the poor sick man lyin' there—everlastingly lyin'—his helpless +hands turned palm up on the covers, why, old Ag's heart was touched. +He was that kind of grass-hopper, Ag, to whipsaw you out of a hundred +and then lend you five hundred, even if he had to rip the pelt off +somebody else to get it. I asked him about that trait onct. +</P> + +<P> +"Why, Hy, my boy," says he, with his thumb in his vest, and his +twenty-five cent cigar in his teeth—we was livin' at the risk of a +high-roller hotel at the time—"in the first place, I'm a gentleman in +disguise, and carelessness allows me to drop the disguise now and then; +besides that," says he, "I hate these here conventions. Because I +touch Mr. Jones for his wad, must I therefor scramble Mr. Ferguson? +And if I stake Ferguson, must I open a free lunch for the country? +Now, God forbid!" says Ag. "I started out being pleased by doing the +things that pleased me, regardless of the vulgar habits of the mob. +The mob can select its destination at any or all times it pleases, but +I'm going to be Agamemnon G. Jones," says he. "The unexpected always +happens, and I'm the unexpected," he says. +</P> + +<P> +You wouldn't ask for a man to keep his statements clearer than that. I +was the only person had a line on him. I'd figger out every +possibility for him and then sleep peaceful, knowing that it had come +off different. +</P> + +<P> +So while nobody'd figger on Ag's gettin' stuck by a paralytic, darned +if he didn't come away with a map in his hands. "Here is our fortune, +Henry," says he. +</P> + +<P> +Well, now, I jumped sideways. "Look here, Aggy Jones, do you mean to +say that legless wonder has stuck you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Mr. Troy conveyed all rights in the property to me for $10, paid in +hand, including this method of findin' out where it is," says he. +</P> + +<P> +"Where'd you get the $10, and me not know it?" says I. +</P> + +<P> +"Trivial, trivial," says Ag. +</P> + +<P> +"And do you expect to follow that dotted line until you stub your toe +over a half-ton nuggets?" +</P> + +<P> +"Frivolous, frivolous," says Ag. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," I says, "yes. Trivial—frivolous—all right—but what's that +red cross?" +</P> + +<P> +"Shows the location plainly," says he, shiftin' his cigar. "Where the +arms of that cross intersect, we double it, or turn nurses in the army." +</P> + +<P> +Well, I stared at him. Too much thinkin' goes to a man's head +sometimes. +</P> + +<P> +"You feel anything strange about you anywheres?" says I. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," says he, tapping it. "This map— Accordin' to the scale of +miles these here arms on the cross are somethin' like fifty miles long. +Ah, what a merry, merry time we shall have, Hy, chasin' up and down +glass mountains, eatin' prickly pear, drinking rarely, and cullin' a +rattlesnake here and there to twine in our locks. It will seem like +old times, dropping a rock in your boots in the mornin' to quell the +quivering centipede and the upstanding and high-jumping tarantula." +</P> + +<P> +"Say," says I, "do you think there's a mine here at all?" +</P> + +<P> +"Mine!" says he, like I'd asked a most unexpected question. "Mine? +Have we lived out of eyeshot of the most remarkable mine in the United +States and Canada at any time we smoked the trail?" +</P> + +<P> +"No," says I, "that's so; but, Ag, you ain't goin' to push for that red +cross out in the middle of hell's ash-heap, are you?" +</P> + +<P> +"Only a little ways," says he; "it's time we left this anti-money trust +behind us, and I always like to leave dramatically, if it's only to +give the sheriff a run." +</P> + +<P> +"More fast-footin' in this?" +</P> + +<P> +"'Nary, but we shall meet some of our fellow-townsmen on the river +to-morrow—all men who haven't done us a bit of good—and then we'll +flap our gliders to a gladder land." +</P> + +<P> +"But that ten dollars——" +</P> + +<P> +"Look here. Let's <I>again</I> settle this money question once for all. Am +I the financial expert for this party?" +</P> + +<P> +"You be." +</P> + +<P> +"Selah," says Ag. "And unlike the corporations in the effete East, +where a high collar marks the gentleman, we mix amusement with our +lives?" +</P> + +<P> +"Sure," says I. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, then," says Aggy, speaking with the frankness and affection of +one or more friends to another, "I ask you to swallow your tongue and +watch events." +</P> + +<P> +"Keno," says I. "Produce your events." +</P> + +<P> +So the next day we hooted it out toward the southeast, packin' grub +only, and I never says a word. +</P> + +<P> +Bimeby we see a lot of people comin' a horseback, on board waggons, and +runnin' afoot. +</P> + +<P> +"Each man with a map," says Ag. "Look at 'em dodge, Hy. They go out +of sight for seconds at the time—'Shall we gather by the river, the +beautiful, the beautiful Squaw River?'—I reckon." +</P> + +<P> +We did. Everybody seemed surprised at seein' everybody else. +</P> + +<P> +"Just come out for a picnic, friends?" says Ag. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, yes," says everybody. "Great old day and nice spot here—tired of +town—thought we'd make a holiday." +</P> + +<P> +"Good, good," says Aggy, his honest face gleamin' with joy. "Let's all +eat now and swop maps afterward." +</P> + +<P> +Things kind of stopped for a minute. If a man was unhitchin' a mule, +he waited till you could count 1, 2, 3, and then continnered. +</P> + +<P> +"What d'ye mean by 'map'?" says one lad, bent under a horse to hide his +face. +</P> + +<P> +"What do I mean?" says Ag, offended. "Why, I mean just what Noah +Webster meant when the dove came back bringin' the definition to his +ark. I mean map—m-a-p, map—a drawin' that shows you the way to get +to a red cross that doesn't exist on the face of nature. I like green +crosses as a matter of taste, but all our paralysed friend had left was +a red one, so I took that, not to be unsociable." +</P> + +<P> +I've been at pleasanter lookin' picnics. +</P> + +<P> +Finally the feller under the horse did some deep thinkin' and come out. +"Have you honest got a map?" says he. +</P> + +<P> +"To the Lost Injun mine? 'Heigh-o, the Lost Injun!'" sings Aggy. +"Here she is, my friend, with all dips, angles, and variations; one +million feet on the main lode; his heirs, assigns, orphans. <I>E +pluribus unum</I>, forever and forever!" +</P> + +<P> +"Yours ain't just the same as mine," says the feller, grimly spittin'. +</P> + +<P> +"No," says Ag, "I reckon he spread it around. He didn't know this was +the nearest ford on Squaw Creek, and we might likely come together." +</P> + +<P> +And then arose a cussin', not loud, but with a full head of steam—it +would make ordinary loud seem like the insides of a whisper—and a rush +for horses. +</P> + +<P> +"Peace, friends, peace!" says Aggy, standin' up his hull height and +with his noble chest fillin' his black coat; his black whiskers +expandin' in pride—a hootin', tootin' son-of-a-gun to look at. And +when he said "peace," the earth shook. +</P> + +<P> +The crowd stopped. "Think!" says Aggy. "Attempt the impossible! +Think! Remember that paralytic is on a parlour car, flying swiftly +toward the setting sun. I see the picture of that lonely railroad +train whooping ties across the prairie. What is the use of throwing +yourselves into a violent perspiration in a mad chase of a thing that +no longer exists? The paralytic is no more; thy Faith Hath Made Him +Whole." Aggy sank his voice to a beautiful whisper. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, you got stuck yourself," pipes up old Grandpa Hope. "He, he, +he, he shelled you too!" +</P> + +<P> +"I admit it," says Ag, "and yet it is not quite what it seems. I +borrowed Slit-Eyed Jenkins's two gilded nickels to get in this game. I +further admit that the Government never should have left the word +'cents' off these nickels, to tempt poor but not bigoted men; further, +I'll say that if Jenkins had brightened them up he might have passed +them for $3.89. But Jenkins puts a thief within his stomach that +steals away his business ability, so that when I asked for them nickels +he merely replied: 'Take the damned Yankee skin-tricks away, with my +thanks.' +</P> + +<P> +"I have noted in my travels that the person to pass immoral money on us +is the agent whose mind is absorbed in selling you a diamond ring, that +nothing but his desire to get rid of would drive him to sell; so in +this case I dropped them nickels into the grateful and quiverin' hand +of that paralytic, drew my man and—here we are," says Ag. +</P> + +<P> +It was the first time I ever saw a gang of full-grown men blush at the +same time. +</P> + +<P> +Nobody had nothin' to say except Ag, who threw the lapel of his coat +back and addressed the meeting. +</P> + +<P> +"Gentlemen," says he, "as I have mentioned before, our paralysed friend +has fled, departed, skinned out, screwed his nut far, far from here. +Don't blaspheme in the very face of the Almighty by trying to be more +ridiculous than you already are. If you arrive warm and distracted, +the few remaining inhabitants of Lost Dog will hold the dead moral on +you the rest of your days. Cool off and wipe the word 'map' from your +minds; turn from the villainies of man to the stark forces of nature; +see where Squaw Creek has forced her remorseless and semi-fluid way +through the mighty rampart of these Gumbo hills." +</P> + +<P> +"I wish you would hush," said a puncher. "Leggo, Ag!" +</P> + +<P> +"Here's where you get the worth of your money," says Ag. "You wouldn't +play poker with <I>me</I>, would you? Of course not. I might get your +money. In fact, I think I should, myself. But you would turn over ten +fine large bones to a paralytic who made pencil sketches of a scene in +the Alps and put the sign of the price on 'em—one sawbuck, or ten +plunks? There is the sawbuck," says Aggy, tappin' his map. "But where +are the plunks? Go to! There are no plunks. We kick the dust of +Dog-town from our hind legs. Flee cheerily, one-time neighbours, to +where a red cross fifty miles in length lies exposed to the sunlight, +and then dig; dig for wealth beyond the dreams of avarice; dream of +scow-loads of gold floating on a canal of champagne. Don't forget to +dig, because that will give you a muscle like a Government mule. And +here's where we dig—out. Ta-ta, fellow-citizens, I never expected to +get you so foul!" +</P> + +<P> +"I think you was working with that feller," says one man, excited. +</P> + +<P> +"Dream on—dream on," says Ag, "but don't make any motions in your +sleep. I've heard that wakin' up somnambulists with a .44 Colt's is +bad for their nervous systems." The lad was quiet. "Gentlemen," says +Aggy, "if you have kicks, prepare to shed them now." +</P> + +<P> +"No tickee—no kickee," says the cow-puncher. "But kindly don't bunch +me with these Foundered Dogs," pointing to the rest. +</P> + +<P> +"Certainly not," says Ag. "Come with us, friend?" +</P> + +<P> +"I sure ought not to," says the puncher, scratchin' his head. "The ole +man expects me to go down to Sweet Water and bring home a bunch of +calves; but, thunder! calves just loves to play, and the ole man's got +so quiet that Peace troubles his mind. Where you goin'?" +</P> + +<P> +"Well," says Ag, sincerely, "you can search me." +</P> + +<P> +"Fits me to half a pound," says the puncher; "ain't nothin' suits me +better than to fall against somethin' I don't know the name of. Darn +calves; if there's anything I don't like some more than other things, +calves is the party of the first part—— Yekhoo!" says he, "c'm round +here, Mary Jane." With that he waved his leg over the saddle and we +was off. +</P> + +<P> +"You fellers got any money?" says the puncher. We told him we was +entirely innocent in that respect. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, I got fifty of my own, and two hundred the ole man give me to +buy any likely stock I might see. He'll stand on one leg and talk +naughty to me when he finds I've spent it, but, Lord! there's no use +remembering things that ain't happened yet, and besides, <I>he</I> was a +hopper grass that flew, when <I>he</I> was a youngster. So that's all +right. Gosh! don't it feel good to be out in the real fresh air oncet +more!" +</P> + +<P> +It sure was good. We made it, ride and tie, northeast by the compass. +There's one good thing about these United States—so long's you keep +movin' you're sure to run into a town somewheres. +</P> + +<P> +We spent three nights out. Every camp, before rollin' in, Ag and me +and the cow-puncher made up a quartette and sang, "How dear to my heart +is the scenes of my chi-i-i-i-i-i-ldhood," "Old Black Joe," and so +forth, then laid down in faith no critter would trouble us that night. +And say! it was simply dead great when we was lyin' on top of old Baldy +Jones's Meza, the moonlight ketchin' the canyon lengthwise, and old +Aggy comin' down, down, down, "Rocked—in ther—cradle—of—the—deep." +Holy Smoke! he sounded fifty fathom. Honest, he made that slit in the +earth holler like an organ. We was that enthusiastic we oncored him, +leavin' our own pipes out. You talk about your theatres and truck! +Give me Agamemnon G., a white night, and several thousand square mile +of ghost-walk country—that's the music for me. He never waggled them +black whiskers—just naturally opened his mouth, and the hills on the +skyline pricked up their ears to listen. You could hear that big, +handsome roar go bouncin' along the crags and wakin' up the wildcats in +the cracks. Lord! what a stillness when the last echo stopped! Well, +that cow-puncher, he had a tear runnin' down the side of his nose, and +I never felt so happy miserable in my life. +</P> + +<P> +The only words spoke was by Ag. "Mary and Martha!" says he, "I've +scart myself!" so we all rolled up. +</P> + +<P> +Two days after we met a line of ore-wagons drug by mules. When we was +twenty foot away the cow-puncher and the first driver give a holler, +and in ten seconds they was shakin' hands and poundin' each other on +the back, sayin', "Why, you damned old this and that!" When a lull +come, the cow-puncher says, "Jack, let me present my friends!" so the +driver he shook hands with us and says, "Any friend of Billy's on your +meal ticket! Where you crowd of sand skinners headed for?" So, after +some talk, he understood. "You want a town," says he. "Well," +p'inting with the butt of his whip, "eighteen miles over yonder you'll +find your place, if you're looking to make the sidewalks stand +perpendicular; and twenty mile over there, if you want to find some of +the nicest people outdoors. Pretty girls there, bet cher life. Chip +Jackson filled me full of lead two months ago to get his name +up—reg'lar kid trick; wanted to get a rep as the man that put out Jack +Hunter; he didn't put me out no more'n you see at present, but the folk +over at Cactus used me white. Nussed me. Gee! A dream, gents, a +dream! Real girls, with clothes that whispers like wind in the grass, +'Here I come! Here I come!' +</P> + +<P> +"I got the prettiest, slimmest, black-eyed one marked down for me. I +wanted her right off, but she said she couldn't consider it, and cried +a little; so I cuddled her up and ca'med her down and said I'd do the +considerin'. That's a great place—you fellers have seen enough rough +house, why don't you shuck down that way?" +</P> + +<P> +"I play her wide open," says Aggy, "from pretty little kittens in white +to chawin' the ear off my fellow-man; but, to speak honest and +straightforward, we ain't got the sinews of war to start a campaign in +such a town, as I'd like to." +</P> + +<P> +"Broke!" hoots Hunter. "Well, that don't go a minute! Here!" says he, +"glue your optics to that." He chucked out a specimen peppered with +yaller. "That's my mine. I'm just thinkin' of taking a half interest +in the mint. You can pick her to go twenty thousand to the ton—help +yourselves, gents." He began sortin' rock. "Oh, here!" says he, +"wait!" +</P> + +<P> +Then he called his men—Greasers—and spoke to 'em firm in Spanish, +that they was to bring their turkeys and empty their pockets. They +rolled their eyes and talked about saints. "G'wan," says Jack, "if you +fellers didn't know that I knew you were pinchin' me for at least two +hundred a trip you wouldn't respect me. Come, shake your jeans, or +I'll strip you clean when it comes you're between me and my friends." +</P> + +<P> +So, mournin' and groanin', they unloaded about fifty pounds of the +loveliest rock you ever see. There was a piece shaped like a cross +that Ag picked out for himself, but the Greaser that owned it hollered +loud, and Ag give it back to him. "With that in his clothes," says +Aggy, "he can steal religiously—I wouldn't take that comfort from the +poor soul for anything." +</P> + +<P> +"These here Greasers get the best chunks," says Jackson, "because they +got more time to hunt. Now, don't look cross-eyed," says he to 'em; "I +pay you five a day, and you fish two hundred for yourselves." At which +the Greasers smiled a little again, feelin' that things weren't without +their cheerful side. +</P> + +<P> +"Boys, I got to leave you," says Hunter. "The next time you come +through here, you'll see a log cabin built to hold two or more with +comfort, because I ain't such a blatting fool to build a house that's +going to take my wife's attention from me—log cabin's good enough. +Don't mention that to Miss Lorna Goodwin when you see her, because I +ain't took her in my confidence that far yet, but say a good word for +your uncle, and by-by! Get up, there, Mary! Straighten them traces, +Victoria! Oop! Oop! here we go clattering fresh! So-long, till +later!" and away he went, the dust a-flyin'. +</P> + +<P> +We landed in Cactus, ready and anxious to be respectable. We first +took in the barber shop, had a bath and a trimmin' up. +</P> + +<P> +"Fix these whiskers of mine," says Ag to the barber, "as though they +was inclined to be religious, and a few strokes from a nice, plump, +clean little widder's hand would make 'em fall. You can say what you +please about widders," says Aggy, "but a woman who's had one man and +wants another has holt of the proper sand. It's a compliment when a +widder shines up to a man. She's no amateur." +</P> + +<P> +Then we bought clothes and played seven-up in the hotel till they was +fixed to fit us. We wanted to stroll through Cactus right. After this +was done we mashed our rocks, panned the result, and got $375 from the +bank—all told, we had pretty nigh six hundred between the three of us. +</P> + +<P> +The sight of us, trimmed, wouldn't cramp you none. That cow-punch he +went an inch to the good over six foot. I came along about an eighth +below him, and Aggy loomed far in the night. We all had features on +our faces, and—well, Cactus sure was a pretty little town, with its +parks and irrigated gardens, and when we strolled, we noticed the girls +kind of let their sentences drag—probably because they didn't see us. +</P> + +<P> +"Say, this is great!" said the cow-puncher. "That bug up there," +p'inting to the electric light, "kinder exudes retail moonlight when he +sings. But my! Here's where you get your fine-looking girls! I +wonder how the old man 'ud take it if I said to him, 'Paw, dear, I'm +married.' I can lick him, though, even if I let him say sourcastic how +far from that point I be. Oh, my Christian Spirit!" he whispers, "do +you catch sight of that easy-mover in the white clothes! Holy Smokes! +Let's introduce ourselves!" +</P> + +<P> +Ag got up and marched forward. "Is this Miss Lorna Goodwin?" says he. +</P> + +<P> +"No, sir," says the girl, kinder awed by the sight of him. +</P> + +<P> +"I'm very sorry," says Ag. "We are strangers here, and we only knew a +friend of Miss Goodwin's." +</P> + +<P> +"Why," says the girl, "Lorna's right back of us. Shall I take you to +her?" +</P> + +<P> +Aggy bowed. "With such a guide, I'll follow anywhere," says he, "and I +certainly would like to see Miss Goodwin." +</P> + +<P> +"Excuse me a moment, Jim," says the girl, and off they went. I don't +think I ever noticed what a handsome big cuss Ag was till seein' him +walk beside that girl. Jim, the feller, wasn't so pleased. +Howsomever, there was old Aggy, all in a minute, shakin' hands with +many people and representing everything there was in sight, as usual. +Then he marched the crowd up and introduced us all. Say, I've lived a +sort of hasty life, full of high jumps, but I'll admit that strolling +around with all them nice girls and young fellers left a sore spot. I +enjoyed it, but— Well, I had hold of something with hair as light as +the sun in a haze, and with big blue eyes that looked up at me, when +the head was bent down—and I can be as big a fool as any monkey in +these United States—and the first thing you know, there won't be +anything but girl in my conversation. +</P> + +<P> +Anyhow, we stood well with the community and learned to our surprise +that Christmas was only four days off. I hadn't knowed what day it was +within a month. +</P> + +<P> +The next day we found out somethin' still more surprisin'—at least Ag +did. +</P> + +<P> +"Do you know that we have a miracle in our midst, friends?" says he to +me and the cow-punch. "Answer by mail. We have, and I'll tell you +right now. The maimed and the halt are walking. The seller of maps is +now beginning to get church funds in his hands; the one-time paralytic +is the gaiest birdie that flies, and worse'n that, he's making a bold +play for Jack Hunter's girl, as her Pah-pah wears gold in his clothes +to keep out the moths. +</P> + +<P> +"He's making a strong push, so the head-waiter-lady tells me, and she +thinks it's a shame, because he has a shifty eye, for all his religious +talk, and Lorna's such a nice girl. 'Twas the kind friend who has the +cellar on the corner, where anti-prohibition folks may indulge their +religion unmolested, that told me of the work. He spotted him for a +crook first peep. Also he seemed to grasp the fact that these almost +orthodox whiskers of mine had been cut in other ways. So we talked +confidential. The barkeep liked Cactus and prohibition, and said he +didn't want the people done dirt by a putty-faced ex-potato-bug. +'These boys,' says he, 'put away more good stuff than the drinkers. +They want the cussed rum disposed of forever. I make as high as thirty +a day in this little joint, and the other part of the town is strictly +on the level. Couldn't you give our friend, Mr. Paris, a gentle push?'" +</P> + +<P> +"My God!" says I, "that bucko will be Helen the Fair and the rest of +Homer if he ain't roped! He's making too free with old-time +literature. He used to be Troy," I says to the barkeep, and then I +come here. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, durn his tintype!" says we, "how did you get a look at him?" +</P> + +<P> +"Introduced," says Ag, "he more'n half remembered me, but the strange +place, the new cut in the whiskers, the hearty handshake, and the fact +that I'd just come from N' York did the trick." +</P> + +<P> +"Well, ain't you kind of got it in for him yet?" says the cow-punch. +</P> + +<P> +Ag looked at him. "No," says he, "I revere him. But when he comes to +ringin' in ancient history, he'll find that I'm a wooden horse that can +gallop—that I'm only called Agamemnon for fun. That, really, I used +to spank our former friend, Achilles, to develop his nervous system. +Oh, no!" says Ag, "Troy to me is only a system of measurements, a myth, +or the damnedest hole in the U. S. However, we shall be at the +Christmas tree. And Mr. Troy—Paris will be there, also, as little as +he dreams it." +</P> + +<P> +We spent the next few days in a state of restlessness, because Aggy +said he'd explain when the news would do us good. One thing made the +cow-punch ready for gun practice right off, Mr. Troy was a slippery +cuss, and he had rather ki-boshed Jack Hunter's girl. He hung around +her, fetched and carried, nailed up greens for her and all that, till +you could see he was leaving himself two trails—either skip with the +funds or marry the girl. He had one day left to choose. Having locoed +the townsfolk into giving him the management of the festivities, he +stood well, and he wasn't a bad looker neither. He had an easy, +slippery tongue for a young girl: not like Ag's methods—in any +gatherin' Ag could make George Washington or General Grant look like +visitors—but smooth and languishin'. +</P> + +<P> +I had to calm the cow-punch by telling him we was in a law and order +community, and that shootin' was rude, also that Aggy could be counted +on to do everything necessary. That morning Ag gave me strict orders, +according to which I loped out to a little canyon where a spring +bubbled, and there, sure enough, was Troy, talkin' honey to Jack's +girl. I slid close enough to hear him. He made out a good case, but +when it come to the last card the girl wasn't so interested in the +story. She had sense after all; girls can't be blamed for being a +little foolish. Well, Troy, he argued and urged, till at last up gits +little Lorna and says it's impossible, and that there's another man in +the question, and so Troy stands there mournful till she's out of +sight, and then hikes for the railroad, with a two-hundred dollar cash +present for the minister in his pocket, and probably another +seventy-five or a hundred in odds and ends. +</P> + +<P> +And after him went Hy Smith, also. He flagged a train about a mile out +of town and hopped aboard. I come out of the bush and took the last +car, telling the brakie a much-needed man had got on forward. Also, I +took the Con. into my confidence. So just when we pulled into the next +town I steps behind Mr. Troy, puts a gun against the back of his neck, +and read the paper Ag had prepared for me. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, Mr. Troy, alias Paris, alias Goat, etc., come with me, or go +forward in the icebox. Don't make a fuss or we'll alarm the +ladies—I've read you the warrant!" +</P> + +<P> +He walked ahead as meek as Moses. By a cross-cut across the hills it +weren't more than four mile to Cactus, and Troy stepped it like a +four-year-old. +</P> + +<P> +We come in behind the church. "That you, Hy?" says Ag. "Bring our +friend, Mr. Troy, through the rear. If you don't know the way, he'll +sell you a map for ten dollars." +</P> + +<P> +"Whenever you want to die, just holler," says I to Troy. It was a +quiet journey. When we got inside, there was Ag and the cow-punch, +smiling kindly. Ag was mixing paint in a pot. +</P> + +<P> +"They used few colours in this edifice," says Ag, "otherwise I could +have produced something surprising. Blue for the hair," says he, "a +sign of purity." So he painted Troy's hair blue. And he painted a red +stripe down the nose and small queer rings all over his face, and with +a pair of lamp scissors he roached Troy's name like a mule—and, well, +he did make something uncommon out of Troy. +</P> + +<P> +"Lovely <I>thing</I>!" says Ag, coquettish, and pokes him with his finger. +</P> + +<P> +Troy, he didn't say nothing. In fact, when you come to think of it, +there wasn't many sparkling thoughts for him to put out. +</P> + +<P> +"I got a few other traps we need," says Ag, pulling out a long coiled +wire spring (off a printing press, I reckon). "Come on," he says, "and +we'll fix something to entertain all the children." We put a belt on +Troy, run a line through it and hitched on the spring. The cow-punch, +he crawled up to the peak of the roof with a pulley, made it fast and +passed Mr. Troy's line through it. Then Ag took a brace and bit, +boring a one-inch hole in the floor, and give instructions to a pair of +Injuns in the cellar. +</P> + +<P> +Then we yee-heed brother Troy to the top of the tree, running the +rope's end down the hole to the Injuns. Troy had a lighted candle tied +fast to each hand. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, you Greek mythology," says Ag, "mind my words; you are to flap +your arms and squeak 'Mah-mah' as you merrily go up and down; +otherwise, my kyind assistants in the cellar are instructed to pull +down so hard that when they let go, you and that able-bodied spring +will fly right through the roof. Light the candles, boys." We lit the +candles, slipped the curtain, and the crowd filed in—face to face with +Brother Troy, blue-haired Troy; ringed, striped, and be-speckled; +flyin' through the air ten foot a trip, flappin' his arms and yelling +"Mah-mah." +</P> + +<P> +I reckon no such thing had ever been behelded by anybody in that church +before, no matter how many Christmas trees they'd seen. They just +stood like they was charmed, and their heads and hands was keeping +motion with Troy. +</P> + +<P> +Ag give two small knocks with his heel, and Troy went right up into the +darkness; the cow-punch grabbed him, cut his lines, and said: "Skin, +you sucker! Hike along the edge and jump out the belfry." +</P> + +<P> +The folks thought it was a grand piece arranged for their benefit, and +they hollered and laughed and clapped their hands. But there was one +deacon who hadn't been nursed by the Dove of Peace all his life. In +fact, he reminded me of a man who used to deal stud-poker up Idaho way; +and he came around and cast a steady eye on Aggy. +</P> + +<P> +"You people might have lost there," says Aggy, passing out the +minister's purse and the other truck. "Paris is gay and not orthodox." +</P> + +<P> +The deacon, he nodded his head. "I had a pipe line run on that geeser +from the minute he blew in," says he. "Where's he now?" +</P> + +<P> +"Runnin' fast," says Aggy; "just where I don't know." +</P> + +<P> +"You gentlemen goin' to tarry with us?" says the deacon. "It's a fine +little town and I'm glad to be good, but crimp my hair if I don't feel +lonesome at times. I should like to exchange reminiscences +occasionally. I hope you'll stay." +</P> + +<P> +"It's a pleasant man who keeps the corner cellar," says Ag, "but his +whiskey has the flavour of old rags. Now my throat——" +</P> + +<P> +"Don't say a word," says the deacon, drawin' a small half-gallon flask +out of his clothes. "Do the snake-swallowin' act to your hearts' +content, gentlemen, and remember there's just simply barrels more where +that comes from. And now," says he, when the gurgling stopped, "let's +go in and see the fun. Them's awful innocent, good-hearted folk, boys. +I tell you straight, it works in through my leather to see 'em play." +</P> + +<P> +We stepped where we could look at them; happy-faced mothers, giggling +and happy little kids, and pretty girls—lots of 'em. And it lit +through my hide, too. +</P> + +<P> +"I s'pose you kin explain, Mr. Jones?" says the deacon, punchin' Ag in +the ribs. +</P> + +<P> +"Explain?" says Ag, proud. "Appoint me custodian of the bottle, and I +hereby agree to explain anything: why brother Paris left us so +completely, what became of Charley Ross, who struck Billy Patterson, +where are the ships of Tyre, or any other problem the mind of man can +conjure, from twice two to the handwriting on the wall." +</P> + +<P> +"Forrud, march," says the deacon simply, and we j'ined them kind and +gentle people under the Christmas tree. +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<A NAME="chap10"></A> +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +A Touch of Nature +</H3> + + +<P> +"These are odd United States," said Red. They certainly are. I'm +thinking of a person I knew down in the Bill Williams Mountains, in +Arizona. He was Scotch and his name was Colin Hiccup Grunt, as near as +I could hear it. I never saw anything in Arizona nor any other place +that resembled him in any particular. +</P> + +<P> +We met by chance, the usual way, and the play come up like this: I'm +going cross country, per short-cut a friend tells me about—this was +when I was young; I could have got to where I was going in about four +hours' riding, say I moved quick, by the regular route, but now I'm ten +hours out of town, and all I know about where I am is that the heavens +are above me and any quantity of earth beneath me. For the last two +hours I've been losing bits of my disposition along the road, and now +I'm looking for a dog to kick. Here we come to a green gulch with a +chain of pools at the bottom of it. +</P> + +<P> +I got off to take a drink. Soon's I lay down there's a snort and a +clatter, and my little horse Pepe is moving for distance, head up and +tail up, and I'm foot loose forty miles from nowhere. This was after +the time of Victorio, still there was a Tonto or two left in the +country, for all the government said that the Apaches were corralled in +Camp Grant, so I made a single-hearted scamper for a rock. +</P> + +<P> +Then I looked around—nothin' in sight; I raised my eyes and my jaw +dropped. Right above me on the side-hill sits a man, six foot and a +half high and two foot and a half wide, dressed in a wool hat, short +skirts, and bare legs. His nose and ears looked like they'd been +borrowed from some large statue. His hair was red; so's mine, but mine +was the most lady-like kind of red compared to his—a gentle, +rock-me-to-sleep-mother tint, whilst his got up and cussed every other +colour in the rainbow. Yes, sir; there he sat, and he was knittin' a +pair of socks! For ten seconds I forgot how good an excuse I had to be +vexed, and just braced myself on my arms and looked at him and blinked. +"Well, no wonder, Pepe busted," thinks I, and with that my troubles +come back to me. "I don't know what in the name of Uncle Noah's pet +elephant you are," says I to myself. "Male and female he made 'em +after their kind, and your mate may do me up, but if I don't take a +hustle out of you there'll be no good reason for it." And feeling this +way, I moved to him. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-212"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-212.jpg" ALT="Yes, sir; there he sat, and he was knittin' a pair of socks!" BORDER="2" WIDTH="379" HEIGHT="522"> +<H3> +[Illustration: Yes, sir; there he sat, <BR> +and he was knittin' a pair of socks!] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Now," says I, "explain yourself." +</P> + +<P> +"Heugh!" says he, just flittin' his little gray eyes on me and going on +with his knittin' as if he hadn't seen anything worth wasting eyesight +on. +</P> + +<P> +I swallered hard. "Another break like that," I thinks, "and his family +have no complaint." +</P> + +<P> +"One more question and you are done," says I. "Do you think it's fair +to sit on a hill and look like this? How would you feel if you come on +me unexpected, and I looked like you?" +</P> + +<P> +By way of reply, he reached behind him—so did I. But it wasn't a gun +he brought forth; it was a sort of big toy balloon with three sticks to +it. Without so much as a glance in my direction, he proceeded to blow +on one stick and wiggle his fingers on the others. Instantly our good +Arizona air was tied in a knot. It was great in its way. You could +hear every stroke of the man filing the saw; the cow with the wolf in +her horn bawled as natural as could be, and as for the stuck pig, it +sounded so life-like I expected to see him round the corner. But at +the same time it was no kind of an answer to my question, and I kicked +the musical implement high in the air, sitting down on my shoulder +blades to watch it go, and also to acknowledge receipt of one bunch of +fives in the right eye, kindness of Grandma in the short skirts. +Beware of appearances! Nothin' takes so much from the fierce +appearance of a man as short skirts and sock-knitting, but up to this +date the hand of man hasn't pasted me such a welt as I got that day. +</P> + +<P> +Then, sir, Grandma and I had a real good old-fashioned time. I grabbed +him and heaved him over the top of my head. "Heugh!" says he as he +flew. He'd no more than touched ground before he had me nailed by the +legs, and I threw a handspring over his head. From that on it was just +like a circus all the way down the hill to where we fell off the ledge +into the pool—twenty-five foot of a drop, clear, to ice-water—wow! +'J'ever see a dog try to walk on the water when he's been chucked in +unexpected? Well, that was me. I was nice and warm from rastlin' with +Grandma before I hit, and I went down, down, down into the deeps, until +my stummick retired from business altogether. I come up tryin' to +swaller air, but it was no use. I got to dry land. Behind me was the +old Harry of a foamin' in the drink—Grandma couldn't swim. Well, I +got him out, though I was in two minds to let him pass—the touch of +that water was something to remember. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-216"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-216.jpg" ALT="Twenty-five foot of a drop, clear, to ice-water--wow!" BORDER="2" WIDTH="379" HEIGHT="522"> +<H3> +[Illustration: Twenty-five foot of a drop, clear, <BR> +to ice-water—wow!] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +"Now, you old fool!" says I, when I slapped him ashore. "Look at you! +Just see what trouble you make! Scarin' people's horses to death and +fallin' in the creek and havin' to be hauled out! Why don't you wear +pants and act like a Christian? Ain't you ashamed to go around in +little girl's clothes at your age? What in the devil are you doing out +here, anyhow?" +</P> + +<P> +With this he bust out cryin', wavin' his hands and roarin' and yellin', +with tears and ice-water runnin' down his face. +</P> + +<P> +"Well!" says I; "I don't catch you, spot nor colour, any stage of the +deal. You'd have me countin' my fingers in no time. I'm goin' to sit +still and see what's next." +</P> + +<P> +By-and-by he got the best of his emotions, come over to me and blew a +lot of words across my ears. From a familiar sound here and there, I +gathered he was trying to hold up the American language; but it must +have been the brand Columbus found on his first vacation, for I +couldn't squeeze any information out of it. I shook my head, and he +spread his teeth and jumped loose again. +</P> + +<P> +"No use," says I. "I dare say you understand, but the only clue I have +to those sounds is that you've eat something that ain't agreed with +you. Habla V. Español?" +</P> + +<P> +"Sí, señor!" says he. So then we got at it, although it wasn't smooth +skidding, either; for my Spanish was the good old Castilian I'd learned +in Panama, whilst his was a mixture of Greaser, sheepblat, and Apache, +flavoured with a Scotch brogue that would smoke the taste of whiskey at +a thousand yards. +</P> + +<P> +He explained that while he wasn't fully acquainted with my reasons for +assault-and-batterin' him in the first place, he was deeply grateful +for my savin' his life in the second place. +</P> + +<P> +"Yes," says I. "But why do you cry?" +</P> + +<P> +Well, that was because his feelin's was moved. I'll admit that if I +sat on a rock in the Bill Williams Mountains, thinking myself the only +two-legged critter around, and somebody come and kicked my bagpipes in +the air and dog-rassled me down forty rod of hillside, afterwards +fishing me out of the drink, my feelin's would be moved too, but not in +that way. And at the time I'm telling you about, I was young—so young +it makes me tremble to think of it—and I knew a heap of things I don't +know now. For this I thought slightin' of Grandma, notwithstanding the +tall opposition he put up. Somehow I couldn't seem to cut loose from +the effect of his short skirts and fancy work. But I let on to be +satisfied. He amused me, did Grandma. +</P> + +<P> +Next he invites me to come up to his shanty and have a drop of what he +frivolously called "fusky"—"<I>Uno poquito de +fuskey—aquardiente—senor</I>." Wisht you could have heard his +Spanish—all mixed up—like this: He says he's "greetin'"—meanin' +yellin', while it's "grito" in Spanish, and his pronunciation had +whiskers on it till you could hardly tell the features. But we got +along. When we struck the cabin the old lad done the honours noble. +I've met some stylish Spaniards and Frenchmen and Yanks and Johnny +Bulls in my time, yet I can't remember aryone who threw himself +better'n Colin Hiccup. There's no place where good manners shows to +better advantage than on a homely man; the constant surprise between +the way he looks and the way he acts keeps you interested. +</P> + +<P> +"To you, señor," says Colin. "Let this dampen the fires of animosity." +</P> + +<P> +"To you right back again," says I. "And let's pipe the aforesaid fires +clean down into the tailin's." So there we sat, thinking better of +each other and all creation. The fires of animosity went out with a +sputter and we talked large and fine. I don't care; I like to once in +a while. I don't travel on stilts much, yet it does a man good to play +pretty now and then; besides, you can say things in the Spanish that +are all right, but would sound simple-minded in English. English is +the tongue to yank a beef critter out of an alkali hole with, but give +me Spanish when I want to feel dressed up. +</P> + +<P> +We passed compliments to each other and waved our hands, bowing and +smiling. In the evening we had music by the pipes. I can't say I'd +confine myself to that style of sweet sounds if I had a free choice; +still, Colin H. Grunt got something kind of wild and blood-stirrin' out +of that windbag that was perfectly astonishin', when you took thought +of how it really did sound. And—I sung. Well, there was only the two +of us, and if I stood for the bagpipes it was a cinch he could stand my +cayodlin'. +</P> + +<P> +Three days I passed there in peace and quiet. I hadn't anything on +hand to do; the more I saw of my new pardner the better I liked his +style, and here was my gorgeous opportunity to make connections with +the art of knitting that might be useful any amount, once I come to +settle down. +</P> + +<P> +It was a handsome little place. The cabin was built of rocks. She +perched on the hillside, with three gnarly trees shadin' it and a big +shute of red rock jumping up behind it. Colin had a flower garden +about a foot square in front, that he tended very careful, lugging +water from the creek to keep it growing. Climbing roses covered one +wall, and, honest, it cuddled there so cunnin' and comfortable, it +reminded me of home. Think of that bare-legged, pock-marked, +sock-knittin' disparagement of the human race havin' the good feelin' +to make him a house like this! It knocked me then, because, as I have +explained, I was young. I have since learned that the length of a +jack-rabbit's ears is no sure indication of how far he can jump. +</P> + +<P> +We spent three days in this pleasant life, knocking around the country +in the daytime, chinnin' and smokin' under some rock and discussin' +things in general, and at night we made music, played checkers, and +talked some more. +</P> + +<P> +During this time his history come out. Naturally, I was anxious to +know how such a proposition landed in the Bill Williams Mountains. It +happened like this: +</P> + +<P> +Colin came from an island in Scotland where, I judged, the folks never +heard of George Washington. +</P> + +<P> +His chief had the travel habit, and Colin went along to bagpipe. +</P> + +<P> +He'd followed his chief to France and then to Mexico, where the band of +Scotties tried to help Maximilian help himself to Uncle Porfirio Diaz's +empire. There was a row, and the son and heir of the house of Grunts +was killed, old Colin Hiccup fightin' over his body like a red-headed +lion in short skirts. +</P> + +<P> +It was at night he told me about it, and at this point he got excited. +He pulled his old sword down from the wall and showed me how everything +occurred. It was as close a call as I can recollect. I'd rather meet +an ordinary man bilious with trouble than have a friend like Colin tell +me exciting stories with a sword. There were times when you couldn't +have got a cigarette paper between me and that four-foot weapon. I was +playing the villains, you understand. +</P> + +<P> +Well, the Maximilian game was up, and when Colin got well (some lad +with no sporting blood had shot him in the head) he slid over to the +United States and resumed sheep herding, knitting, and bagpiping allee +samee old country. I suspect the boss of the ranch hired Mr. Grunt +more because he liked the old boy than for any other reason, inasmuch +as he didn't have more'n a hundred sheep in the bunch; besides, what +with getting shot in the head and grieving for his chief and one thing +and another, Colin was a <I>little</I> damaged in the cupola—not but what +he was as sensible as I could understand most of the time—but—well, +kind of sideways about things; like not learning English and keeping on +dressing in knee skirts and such. +</P> + +<P> +What troubled him the most was that no such thing as a clan could be +found. I explained to him as best I could that as us Americans +represented Europe, Asia, and Africa in varyin' proportions, it was a +little difficult to get up a stout clan feeling—local issues would +come in. +</P> + +<P> +Yes, he said he understood that, but it was a great pity, and on the +fourth night I was there he got so horrible melancholy over it that it +was dreadful to see. I didn't know how to cheer him up exactly, until +we'd had two—perhaps three—drops together. Then an inspiration hit +me in the top of the head. +</P> + +<P> +"Come along outside with the nightcracker," says I. "I'll take the +sword and we'll have one of those dances you've told me about." +</P> + +<P> +He brightened up at that, and after a few more drops consented. I felt +right merry by this time, and it wasn't long before old Colin limbered +considerable. There it was, nice bright moonlight, nobody around to +pass remarks; nothing to trouble. So bime-by we pasted her hide, wide +and fantastic, with the bagpipes screechin' like a tom-cat fight in a +cellar. I was tickled to death lookin' at our shadows flyin' +around—one of the times I was easily pleased; I must say I enjoyed the +can-can. +</P> + +<P> +And then, alas! All my joy departed and went away, for when my eye +happened to slide behind me, it fell on a Tonto brave—a full-sized +Tonto-Yuma brave, that ought to be seen at Camp Grant, dressed in a +pocket handkerchief, a pair of moccasins, and a large rifle. +</P> + +<P> +"By-by, my honey, I'm gone!" I sings to myself—never missin' a step, +however, for to let that Injun know I was on to him would be a sign of +bad luck. I wiggled around kind of careless to see if there was any +more of him. There was. Nine more. Here was Saunders Colorado and +Colin Hiccup Grunt, fortified by—say six, drops of Scotch whiskey, a +Scotch sword and a Scotch bagpipe, up against ten Tontos armed with +rifles. I would have traded my life interest in this world for an +imitation dead yaller dog. "Oh, they won't do a thing to us, thing to +us, thing to us!" sings I to myself, hoppin' around so gleefully, +keepin' time to the bagpipes. "Whoop her up, Colin!" I hollers. "On +with the dance, let joy be unconfined!" That was in my school reader, +so it ought to be true. My joy was unconfined all right enough—she'd +flew the coop long since. +</P> + +<A NAME="img-224"></A> +<CENTER> +<IMG SRC="images/img-224.jpg" ALT=""Whoop her up, Colin!" I hollers" BORDER="2" WIDTH="368" HEIGHT="494"> +<H3> +[Illustration: "Whoop her up, Colin!" I hollers] +</H3> +</CENTER> + +<P> +At that Colin really turned himself loose. He'd warmed to the occasion +and climbed into the spirit of the thing. His eyes was shut and he was +leaping five foot in the air at a pass, wagglin' his head from side to +side. And as for them bagpipes, he simply blew the mangled remains of +all the sounds since the flood out of the big end—he took silence by +her hind leg and flapped her into rags. +</P> + +<P> +I pranced like a colt, wonderin' why we didn't get shot or something. +At last I couldn't stand feeling all them hard-coal eyes behind me, so +I whirls around as if I'd simply waited my time, and capered down that +line of Injuns, wavin' the sword over their heads, looking far away, +and smilin' the easy grin of the gentleman who pets the tiger in the +circus parade. +</P> + +<P> +"Oh, Colin!" I chants, as if it was part of a war-song; "understand +English for once in your life and keep that squealer yelpin' or these +ham-coloured sons of Satan will play a tune on us—give it to 'em, +Colin, my b-o-o-y—let the good work go ah-ah-ah-ah-on!" +</P> + +<P> +I reckon he made me out, for, after one sharp blat (I suppose when he +opened his eyes), the old bagpipes went on whining same as before. +</P> + +<P> +I made two trips up and down the line, then flung the sword up in the +air and yelled: "Bastante!" +</P> + +<P> +Come silence, like a fainting fit—the thickest, muckiest silence I +ever heard. +</P> + +<P> +"Your house, amigos," I says. "In what way may we serve you?" I had +an idea of what way they would serve <I>us</I>—-fried, likely, with a dish +of greens on the side—but I thought I'd get in my crack first. +</P> + +<P> +It was weary waiting to see what kind of play the bucks was going to +make. They had the immortal on us, and what they said went. +</P> + +<P> +At last the oldest man in the party stepped out. I guess the Yankee +got his love for Fourth of July gas-displays from the Injuns, for +there's nothin' that those simple-hearted children of nature love +better than chawing air. +</P> + +<P> +"Amigos," says the old buck. "Mira. We are not Gilas; we are not +Mescaleros; we are not Copper-miners; neither Jicarillas, Coyoteros, +nor Llaneros." All this very slow and solemn. Very interesting, no +doubt; but a <I>little</I> long to a man waiting to see whether he's about +to jump the game or not. "No," thinks I; "nor you ain't town-pumps nor +snow-ploughs nor real-estate agents—hook yourself up, for Heaven's +sake, and let go on your family history." +</P> + +<P> +"No," says he, shaking his head. "Nada, I am Yuma—they are Yuma." +</P> + +<P> +"I sincerely hope so," thinks I. "And I wish you'd let us in on the +joke. I'm dyin' for lack of a laugh this minute." +</P> + +<P> +"Si, señores," says he. "We are not Apaches; and we are not now for +war. Before, yes. Now we are peaceful. But the white man has put us +on reservation at Camp Grant, and there bad white men bother us. We +are all braves; we do not wish to be bothered. So we shoot those white +men for the sake of peace, and then we come away. We come here last +moon. We see this man," pointing to Colin Hiccup. "At first my young +men wish to shoot at him, to see him hop, but I say 'no'—we are +peaceful; besides, he is a strange white man. I think he is a great +chief and comes here to make medicine. Do you not see how small is the +rebaño and how large the man? And how he dresses like a woman? And +there we hear the music he makes. Then I know he is great medicine. +It is beautiful music he makes to the Great Spirit. It makes our +hearts good. We wait; see you come. See two big medicine men fight, +then be friend again. Know, by the hair, both same medicine. To-night +sounds the music more and more. We come and see dance. We have +council. All say, when dance is over, we ask white man to be chief. +Just one chief—two chiefs, like calf with two heads, no good. You +choose. We have no chief since Mangas Colorado. He make fight. Fight +hard but no good. Now we are for peace. I say it." +</P> + +<P> +He threw down his rifle and waited. The other braves dropped their +guns, crash! +</P> + +<P> +"We will talk," says I, drawing myself up tall. +</P> + +<P> +"Buen," says he, and Colin and me withdrew. +</P> + +<P> +"Now, my Scotch friend," says I, when we got out of hearin', "we are up +against it, bang! It's all right for them Injuns to talk of how +peaceful they are, but I'll bet you there ain't a bigot among 'em. If +we don't slide down their gutter, they'll do us harm. How're we to +decide who puts his neck in the lion's mouth?" +</P> + +<P> +But old Colin wasn't listening to me. "They'll make me chief," says +he. "I'm tired of herding sheep." His little grey eyes was shining. +</P> + +<P> +"Well, you knock me every time," says I. "Do you mean you want to trot +with them?" +</P> + +<P> +"They stick together—they have a clan." +</P> + +<P> +I got some excited. "Here, now," I says; "this lets me out of a good +deal of trouble to have you take it this way, but all the same as I've +drunk your whiskey and ate your bread, I'll stand at your back till +your belt caves in. You pass this idea up—it's dangerous—and I'll +make you a foolish proposition; you take the bagpipes and I'll take the +sword and we will pass away to lively music. Darn my skin if I'll see +a friend turned over to those tarriers and sit still." +</P> + +<P> +"Heugh!" says he. "What's a man but a man? As safe with them as +anywhere—and what do I care about safe? What's left me, anyhow? Will +you watch the sheep till they send from the ranch?" +</P> + +<P> +"Why, yes," says I. "But——" +</P> + +<P> +He waved his hand and walked towards the Injuns. "Voy," says he. +</P> + +<P> +"Hungh!" says they. "Bueno." +</P> + +<P> +I laid my hand on his shoulder for one more try. Every brave picked up +his gun and beaded me. +</P> + +<P> +"Drop the guns!" says Colin Hiccup Grunt. And down went the guns. +You'd be surprised at his tone of voice; it meant, as plain as you +could put it in words, "We will now put down the guns." Oh, yes, it +meant it entirely. And he looked a foot taller. The change had done +him good. +</P> + +<P> +"Well," thinks I; "my boys, I reckon you've got your chief, and as +there ain't another peek of light out of this business, I shelve my +kick." +</P> + +<P> +"Where is the señor's horse?" asks Colin. +</P> + +<P> +"In the hills," says the Injun, before he thought. +</P> + +<P> +"Bring it," says Colin. +</P> + +<P> +"Ha!" says all the Injuns, and they sent a man for my mustang. That +quick guess surprised the whole lot of us. +</P> + +<P> +We went together to the cabin, to get his belongings and to cache the +whiskey. If it come into our friend's heads to rummage we might have a +poor evening of it. +</P> + +<P> +"Leave me that sock as a momentum," says I. +</P> + +<P> +"'Tain't finished," says he. +</P> + +<P> +"Never mind. I want it to put under my pillow to dream on," and I have +it yet. +</P> + +<P> +One half-hour after that I sat in the doorway, scratching my head and +thinkin'; whilst before my eyes marched off Colin Hiccup Grunt, Great +Peace Chief of the Yumas, bare-legged and red-headed, with his wool hat +on one side and his bagpipe squealin', at the head of his company. You +won't see such a sight often, so I watched 'em out of eyeshot. +</P> + +<P> +It chanced I was asleep inside when the rider came from the ranch, so +when I stuck my head out to answer his hail, "Why," says he, "how +you've changed!" He was surprised, that man. +</P> + +<P> +"You ain't done nothing to old Scotty?" says he, looking cross. +</P> + +<P> +"No," says I. "Hold your hand. He's gone off and joined the Injuns." +</P> + +<P> +Then I up and told him the story. +</P> + +<P> +"Hungh!" says he. "Well, that's just like him!" +</P> + +<BR><BR><BR> + +<H3 ALIGN="center"> +THE END +</H3> + +<BR><BR><BR><BR> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters, by +Henry Wallace Phillips + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED SAUNDERS' PETS AND OTHER *** + +***** This file should be named 19265-h.htm or 19265-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/2/6/19265/ + +Produced by Al Haines + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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and Other Critters, by +Henry Wallace Phillips + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters + +Author: Henry Wallace Phillips + +Release Date: September 13, 2006 [EBook #19265] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED SAUNDERS' PETS AND OTHER *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + + + +[Frontispiece: He was a lovely pet (missing from book)] + + + + + + +Red Saunders' Pets + +And Other Critters + + +By + +Henry Wallace Phillips + + + +Author of + +Red Saunders and Mr. Scraggs + + + +Illustrated + + + +New York + +McClure, Phillips & Co. + +Mcmvi + + + + +Copyright, 1906, by + +McCLURE, PHILLIPS & CO. + + +Published, May, 1906 + + +Second Impression + + + +Copyright, 1902, 1903, 1904, 1905, by The S. S. McClure Company + +Copyright, 1902, by The Success Company + +Copyright, 1905, by P. F. Collier & Son + + + + +CONTENTS + + +THE PETS + +OSCAR'S CHANCE, PER CHARLEY + +BILLY THE BUCK + +THE DEMON IN THE CANON + +THE LITTLE BEAR WHO GREW + +IN THE ABSENCE OF RULES + +FOR SALE, THE GOLDEN QUEEN + +WHERE THE HORSE IS FATE + +AGAMEMNON AND THE FALL OF TROY + +A TOUCH OF NATURE + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + +HE WAS A LOVELY PET . . . . . . Frontispiece (missing from book) + +WE NEAR LOST TWO PETS + +"I WISHT SOMEBODY'D TELEGRAPH THAT SON-OF-A-GUN FOR ME" + +BOB 'UD HOP HIM + +HIS STYLE OF RIDING ATTRACTED ATTENTION + +SEARCHING HIS SOUL FOR SOUNDS TO TELL HOW SCART HE WAS + +GET OFF'N ME! + +THE AFFAIR WAS AT PRESENT IN THE FORMAL STATE + +"A WISE AND SUBTLE PIECE OF STRATEGY" + +"AN ACCOUNT OF MY ADVENTURES" + +"'HERE'S--YOUR--DEER--KID,' HE GASPED." + +"JIMMY-HIT-THE-BOTTLE" + +THE PUNCHERS TO THE RESCUE + +"HY" SMITH + +HE'D COME AROUND WITH HIS PLANS AND SPECIFICATIONS TWICE A DAY + +MIGUEL COULD RUN WHEN HE PUT HIS MIND TO IT + +"CLEAN WAS NO NAME FOR HIS PERSONAL APPEARANCE" + +"UP GETS FOXY WITH A SHRIEK AND GALLOPS AROUND THE HOUSE" + +"OLD WINDY USED TO TALK TO THE PIG AS THOUGH THEY'D + BEEN RAISED TOGETHER" + +"HE'D HUMP UP HIS BACK . . . AND RUB AGAINST YOUR LEGS" + +"NO. DIDN'T WANT FOOD. HEART WAS BROKE" + +"'HUNGH!' SAYS HE, AND BLINKED HIS EYES SHUT" + +"THE DOCTOR GOES SAILING INTO THE DRINK" + +"A HA HA! CUT IN TWO IN THE MIDDLE" + +"THAT WOOLLY, BLAATIN' FOOL OF A SHEEP" + +"CHASES HIMSELF OFF TO THE SKY-LINE FOR ANOTHER TRY" + +"THE DURNED RAM WAS PRANCIN' AWAY" + +"HE WAS KNOCKED GALLEY-WEST" + +"THAT PIG LOOKED UP AND SMILED" + +"AND HOLLER! I WISHT YOU COULD HAVE HEARD THAT PIG" + +"DONE. EVERLASTINGLY DONE" + +THROUGH THE GLASS I GOT A BETTER VIEW OF THE + POOR DEVIL ABOUT TO BE STRUNG + +WE CALLED TO HIM TO HALT, AND HE STOPPED, + KIND OF GRINNED AT US AND SAYS: "HELLO!" + +YES, SIR; THERE HE SAT, AND HE WAS KNITTIN' A PAIR OF SOCKS! + +TWENTY-FIVE FOOT OF A DROP, CLEAR, TO ICE-WATER--WOW! + +"WHOOP HER UP, COLIN!" I HOLLERS + + + + +Red Saunders' Pets And Other Critters + + +The Pets + +"Of all the worlds I ever broke into, this one's the most curious," +said Red. "And one of the curiousest things in it is that I think it's +queer. Why should I, now? What put it into our heads that affairs +ought to go so and so and so, when they never do anything of the sort? +Take any book you read, or any story a man tells you: it runs along +about how Mr. Smith made up his mind to do this or that, and proceeded +to do it. And that never happened. What Mr. Smith calls making up his +mind is nothing more nor less than Mr. Smith's dodging to cover under +pressure of circumstances. That's straight. Old Lady Luck comes for +Mr. Smith's mind, swinging both hands; she gives it a stem-winder on +the ear; lams it for keeps on the smeller; chugs it one in the short +ribs, drives right and left into its stummick, and Mr. Smith's mind +breaks for cover; then Mr. Smith tells his wife that--he's made up his +mind--_He_, mind you. Wouldn't that stun you? + +"Some people would say, 'Mr. Sett and Mr. Burton made up their minds to +start the Big Bend Ranch.' All right; perhaps they did, but let me +give you an inside view of the factory. + +"First off, Billy Quinn, Wind-River Smith, and me were putting up hay +at the lake beds. It was a God-forsaken, lonesome job, to say the best +of it, and we took to collecting pets, to make it seem a little more +like home. + +"Billy shot a hawk, breaking its wing. That was the first in the +collection. He was a lovely pet. When you gave him a piece of meat he +said 'Cree,' and clawed chunks out of you, but most of the time he sat +in the corner with his chin on his chest, like a broken-down lawyer. +We didn't get the affection we needed out of him. Well, then +Wind-River found a bull-snake asleep and lugged him home, hanging over +his shoulder. We sewed a flannel collar on the snake and picketed him +out until he got used to the place. And around and around and around +squirmed that snake until we near got sick at our stummicks watching +him. All day long, turning and turning and turning. + +"'Darn it,' says I, 'I like more variety.' So that day, when I was +cutting close to a timbered slew, out pops an old bob-cat and starts to +open my shirt to see if I am her long-lost brother. By the time I got +her strangled I had parted with most of my complexion. Served me right +for being without a gun. The team run away as soon as I fell off the +seat and I was booked to walk home. I heard a squeal from the bushes, +and here comes a funny little cuss. I liked the look of him from the +jump-off, even if his mother did claw delirious delight out of me. He +balanced himself on his stubby legs and looked me square in the eye, +and he spit and fought as though he weighed a ton when I picked him +up--never had any notion of running away. Well, that was Robert--long +for Bob. + +"The style that cat spread on in the matter of growing was simply +astonishing; he grew so's you could notice it overnight. At the end of +two months he was that big he couldn't stand up under our sheet-iron +cook-stove, and this was about the beginning of our family troubles. +Tommy, the snake, was a good deal of a nuisance from the time he +settled down. You'd have a horrible dream in the night--be way down +under something or other, gasping for wind, and, waking up, find Tommy +nicely coiled on your chest. Then you'd slap Tommy on the floor like a +section of large rubber hose. But he bore no malice. Soon's you got +asleep he'd be right back again. When the weather got cool he was +always under foot. He'd roll beneath you and land you on your +scalp-lock, or you'd ketch your toe on him and get a dirty drop. I +don't think I ever laughed more in my life than one day when Billy come +in with an armful of wood, tripped on Tommy, and come down with a +clatter right where Judge Jenkins, the hawk, could reach him. The +Judge fastened one claw in Billy's hair and scratched his whiskers with +the other. Gee! The hair and feathers flew! Bill had a hot temper +and he went for the hawk like it was a man. The first thing he laid +his hand on was Tommy, so he used the poor snake for a club. +Wind-River and me were so weak from laughing that we near lost two pets +before we got strength to interfere." + +[Illustration: We near lost two pets] + +"But, as I was saying, the cold nights played Keno with our happy home. +Neither Tommy nor Bob dared monkey with the Judge--he was the only +thing on top of the earth the cat was afraid of. Bob used to be very +anxious to sneak a hunk of meat from His Honour at times, yet, when the +Judge stood on one foot, cocked his head sideways, snapped his bill and +said 'Cree,' Robert reconsidered. On the other hand, Tommy and Bob +were forever scrapping. Lively set-tos, I want to tell you. The snake +butted with his head like a young streak of lightning. I've seen him +knock the cat ten foot. And while a cat doesn't grow mouldy in the +process of making a move, yet the snake is there about one +seventeen-hundredth-millionth part of a second sooner. And that's a +good deal where those parties are concerned. Now, on cold nights, they +both liked to get under the stove, where it was warm, and there wasn't +room for more'n one. Hence, trouble; serious trouble. Bob hunted +coyotes on moonlight nights. We threw scraps around the corner of the +house to bait 'em, and Bob would watch there hour on end until one got +within range. It was a dead coyote in ten seconds by the watch, if the +jump landed. If it didn't, Bob had learned there was no use wasting +his young strength trying to ketch him. He used to sit still and gaze +after them flying streaks of hair and bones as though he was thinking +'I wisht somebody'd telegraph that son-of-a-gun for me.'" + +[Illustration: "I wisht somebody'd telegraph that son-of-a-gun for me."] + +"Well, then he'd be chilly and reckon he'd climb under the stove. But +Thomas 'ud be there. + +"'H-h-h-h-hhhh!' says Tom, in a whisper. + +"'Er-raow-pht!" says Robert. 'Mmmmm-mm--errrrr--pht!' And so on for +some time, the talk growing louder, then, with a yell that would stand +up every hair on your head, Bob 'ud hop him. Over goes the cook-stove. +Away rolls the hot coals on the floor. Down comes the stove-pipe and +the frying-pans and the rest of the truck, whilst the old Judge in the +corner hollered decisions, heart-broke because he was tied by the leg +and could not get a claw into the dispute. + +[Illustration: Bob 'ud hop him.] + +"By the time we had 'em separated--Bob headed up in his barrel and Tom +tied up in his sack--put the fire out, and fixed things generally, +there wasn't a great deal left of that night's rest. + +"But children will be children. We swore awful, still we wouldn't have +missed their company for a fair-sized farm. + +"And now comes in the first little twist of the Big Bend Ranch, +proper--all these things I'm telling you were the eggs. Here's where +the critter pipped. + +"'Twas November, and such a November as you don't get outside of Old +Dakota, a regular mint-julep of a month, with a dash of summer, a sprig +of spring, a touch of fall, and a sniff or two of winter to liven you +up. If you'd formed a committee to furnish weather for a month, and +they'd turned out a month like that, not even their best friends would +have kicked. And here we'd been makin' hay, and makin' hay, the ranch +people thanking Providence that prairie grass cures on the stem, while +we cussed, for we were sick of the sight of hay. I got so the rattle +of a mower give me hysterics. We were picked because we were steady +and reliable, but one day we bunched the job. Says I, 'Here; we've cut +grass for four solid months, includin' Sundays and legal holidays, +although the Lord knows where they come in, for I haven't the least +suspicion what day of the month it may be, but anyhow, let's knock off +one round.' + +"So we did. I sat outside in the afternoon, while the other two boys +and the rest of the family took a snooze. Here comes a man across the +south flat a-horseback. + +"I watched him, much interested: first place, he was the first strange +human animal we'd laid eye on for six weeks; next place, his style of +riding attracted attention. I thought at the time he must have +invented it, him being the kind of man that hated horses, and wanted to +keep as far away from them as possible, yet forced by circumstances to +climb upon their backs." + +[Illustration: His style of riding attracted attention.] + +"His mount was a big American horse, full sixteen hand high, trotting +in twenty-foot jumps. If I had anything against a person, just short +of killing, I'd tie him on the back of a horse trotting like that. +It's a great gait to sit out. Howsomever, this man didn't sit it out; +what he wanted of a saddle beyond the stirrups was a mystery, for he +never touched it. He stood up on his stirrups, bent forward like he +was going to bite the horse in the ear, soon's the strain got +unendurable. + +"Well, here he come, straight for us. I'd a mind to wake the other +boys up, to let 'em see something new in the way of mishandling a +horse, but they snored so peaceful. I refrained. + +"'How-de-do?' says he. + +"I said I was worrying along, and sized him up, on the quiet. He was a +queer pet. Not a bad set-up man, and rather good looking in the face. +Light yellow hair, little yellow moustache, light blue eyes. And +clean! Say, I never saw anybody that looked so aggravating clean in +all my life. It seemed kind of wrong for him to be outdoors; all the +prairie and the cabin and everything looked mussed up beside him. + +"As soon as he opened up, I noticed he had a little habit of speaking +in streaks, that bothered me. I missed the sense of his remarks. + +"'Would you mind walking over that trail again?' I asked him. 'I do +most of my thinking at a foot-step and your ideas is over the hill and +far away before I can recognise the cut of their scalp-lock.' + +"'Haw!' says he and stared at me. I was just on the point of askin' +him if red hair was a new thing to him, when all of a sudden he begun +to laugh, 'Haw-haw-haw!' says he; 'not bad at all, ye know.' + +"'Of course not,' says I. 'Why should it be?' + +"This got him going. I saw him figuring away to himself, and then I +had to smile so you could hear it. + +"'Well,' says I, better humoured, 'tell us it again--I caught the word +sheep in the hurricane.' + +"So he went over it, talking slow. I listened with one ear, for he had +a white bulldog with him; a husky, bandy-legged brute with a black eye, +and he was sniffing, dog fashion, around the door, while I blocked him +out with my legs. Doggy was in a frame of mind, puzzling out +bull-snake trail, and hawk trail, and bob-cat trail. He foresaw much +that was entertaining the other side of the door, and wanted it, +powerful. + +"'Here,' says I, 'call your dog. I can't pay attention to both of you.' + +"'He won't hurt anything, you know,' says the man. + +"'Well, we've got a cat in there that'll hurt _him_,' I says. 'You'd +better whistle him off before old Bob wakes up and scatters him around +the front yard.' + +"Gee! That man sat up straight on his horse! Cat hurt that dog? +Nonsense! Of course, he wouldn't let the dog hurt the cat, and as long +as I was afraid---- + +"I looked into that peaceful cabin. Billy was lying on his back, his +fine manly nose vibrating with melody; Wind-River was cooing in a +gentle, choked-to-death sort of fashion, on the second bunk; Tom was +coiled in the corner, the size of half a barrel; the Judge slept on his +perch; Robert reposed under the cook-stove with just a front paw +sticking out. It was one of them restful scenes our friends the poets +sing about. It did appear wicked to disturb it but---- + +"'Will you risk your dog?' I asked that man very softly and politely. + +"'Certainly!' says he. + +"Says I, 'His blood be on your shirtfront,' and I moved my leg. + +"Well, sir, Billy landed on the grocery shelf. Wind-River grabbed his +gun and sat up paralysed. It really was a most surprising noise. I've +had hard luck in my life, but all the things that ever happened to me +would seem like a recess to that bulldog. Our domestic difficulties +was forgotten. 'United We Stand,' waved the motto of the lake-bed +cabin. Jerusalem! That dog was snake-bit, and +hawk-scratched-and-bit-and-clawed, and +bobcat-scratched-and-bit-and-clawed, till you could not see a cussed +thing in that cabin but blur. And of all the hissing and squawking and +screeching and yelling and snapping and roaring and growling you or any +other man ever heard, that was the darndest. I took a look at the +visitor. He'd got off his horse and was standing in the doorway with +his hands spread out. His face expressed nothing at all, very +forcible. Meanwhile, things were boilin' for fair; cook-stove, +frying-pans, stools, boxes, saddles, tin cans, bull-snakes, hawks, +bob-cats, and bulldogs simply floated in the air. + +"'I wish you'd tell me what has busted loose, Red Saunders!' howls old +Wind-River in an injured tone of voice; 'and whether I shell shoot or +sha'n't I?' + +"There come a second's lull. I see Judge Jenkins on the dog's back, +his talents sunk to the hock, whilst he had hold of an ear with his +bill, pullin' manfully. Tommy had swallered the dog's stumpy tail, and +Bob was dragging hair out of the enemy like an Injun dressing hides. + +"A bulldog is like an Irishman; he's brave because he don't know any +better, and you can't get any braver than that, but there's a limit, +even to lunk-headedness. It bored through that dog's thick skull that +he had butted into a little bit the darndest hardest streak of +petrified luck that anything on legs could meet with. + +"'By-by,' says he to himself. 'Out doors will do for me!' And here he +come! Neither the visitor nor me was expecting him. He blocked the +feet out from under us and sat his master on top. We got up in time to +see a winged bulldog, with a tail ten foot long, bounding merrily over +the turf, searching his soul for sounds to tell how scart he was, +whilst a desperate bob-cat, spitting fire and brimstone, threw dirt +fifty foot in the air trying to lay claws on him." + +[Illustration: Searching soul for sounds to tell how scart he was] + +"As they disappeared over the first rise I rolls me a cigarette and +lights it slowly. + +"'Just by way of curiosity,' says I; 'how much will you take for your +dog?' + +"'My Heavens!' says he, recovering the power of speech. 'What kind of +animal was that?' + +"'Come in,' says I, 'and take a drink--you need it.' + +"So we gathered up the ruins and tidied things some, while the new man +sipped his whiskey. + +"'My!' says he, of a sudden. 'I must go after my poor dog.' + +"I sort of warmed to him at that. 'Dog's all right,' says I. 'He'll +shake 'em loose and be home in no time. Now you tell me about them +sheep.' + +"'Sheep?' says he, putting his hand to his head. 'What was it about +sheep?' + +"'Hello in the house!' sings out Billy. 'The children's comin' home!' + +"We tumbled out. Sure enough, the warriors was returning. First come +the Judge, tougher than rawhide, half walking and half flying, his +wings spread out, 'cree-ing' to himself about bulldogs and their ways; +next come Bobby, still sputtering and swearing, and behind ambled +Thomas at a lively wriggle, a coy, large smile upon his face. + +"'Ur-r-roup! Roup!' sounds from the top of the rise. The family +halted and turned around, expectin' more pleasure, for there on the top +of the hill stood the terrible scart but still faithful bulldog calling +for his master to come away from that place quick, before he got +killed. But he had one eye open for safety, and when the family +stopped, he ducked down behind the hill surprisin'. + +"'Well, I must be going,' says the visitor. 'My name's Sett--Algernon +Alfred Sett--and I shall be over next week to talk to you about those +sheep.' + +"'Any time,' says I. 'We'll be here till we have to shovel snow to get +at the hay, from the look of things.' + +"'Well, I'm very anxious to have a good long talk with you about +sheep,' says he. 'I've been informed that you had a long experience in +that line in--er--Nevverdah----' + +"'Nevverdah?' says I. 'Oh!--Nevada. I beg your pardon--I've got in +the habit of pronouncing in that way. It wasn't Nevada, by the way--it +was Texas--but that's only a matter of a Europe or so. Yes, I met a +sheep or two in that country, I'm sorry to say.' + +"'I--er--think of engaging in the business, dontcher know,' says he, +relaxing into his first method of speech; 'and should like to consult +you professionally.' + +"'All right, sir!' says I. 'I'm one of the easiest men to consult west +of any place east. Can't you stay now and get the load off your mind?' + +"'Well--_no_,' he says to me very confidentially. 'You see, that dog +is a great pet of my wife's, and I'm also afraid she will be a little +worried by my long absence, so----' + +"'I see, sir--I see,' I answered him. 'Well, come around again and +we'll talk sheep.' + +"'Thank you--thank you _so_ much,' says he, and pops up on his horse. +Then again, without any warning, he broke into a haw-haw-haw! as he +threw a glance at the family, who sat around eyeing him. 'You were +quite right about that _cat_, you know,' says he. 'Capital! Capital! +But a _little_ rough on the dog.' And off he goes, bobbity-bob, +bobbity-bob. + +"'Where'd you tag that critter, Red?' says Wind-River. 'My mind's +wanderin'.' + +"'He comes down the draw much the graceful way he's going up it,' says +I. 'From where, and why how, I dunno. But I kind of like him against +my better instincts, Windy.' + +"Windy spit thoughtfully at a fly fifteen foot away. 'I shouldn't have +time to hate him much myself,' says he. + +"And there you are. That's how I met Brother Sett, and the Big Bend +Ranch stuck her head out of the shell." + + + + +Oscar's Chance, per Charley + +"Bhooooooorrr! Bhooooooooooooooorrrrr!" It was the hollow, +melancholy, wild beast-howl of a fog-horn. We were drifting upon a +tragic coast, where the great waves slipped up the cliffs noiselessly, +to disappear upon the other side. At the time, I was talking to a +person who had just been a sort of composite of several of my friends, +but was now a gaunt bay mule. "Isn't it co-o-ld?" I said to him, and +shivered. He looked me sternly in the eye. "Get up!" said he. The +vessel struck a rock and trembled violently. "Get up!" repeated the +mule, and there was a menace in his voice now. "Bhooooooooooorrrrr!" +moaned the fog-horn. This was dreadful. But worse followed. The +waters gathered themselves and rose into a peak, the mule sliding +swiftly to the apex, still holding me with his uncanny eyes. There +came a shock, and Oscar said, "For the Lord's sake, kid! They've been +braying away on that breakfast horn for the last five minutes. Hustle!" + +I found myself upon my hands and knees; in a cabin, all right, but the +cabin was on the prairie. I looked around, stupid with sleep. The +familiar sights met my eye--Oscar tiptoeing about, bow-legged, arms +spread like wings, drawing his breath through his teeth, after the +fashion of half-frozen people. Old Charley sat humped up in the +corner, sucking his cob pipe. The stove was giving forth a smell of +hot iron, and no heat, as usual. On it rested a wash-basin, wherein +some snow was melting for the morning ablutions. A candle projected a +sort of palpable yellow gloom into the grey icy morning air. I dressed +rapidly. As I slept in overcoat and cap, this was no great matter. A +pair of German socks and arctics completed my attire. Evidently I had +been put upon the floor by the hand of Oscar. For this, when Oscar +stretched his nether garment tight, in the act of washing his face, I +smote him upon the fulness thereof with a long plug of chewing tobacco. +"Aow!" he yelled, recurving like a bow and putting his hands to his +wound. Promptly we clinched and fell upon old Charley. To the floor +the three went, amid a shower of sparks from the cob pipe. "You dam +pesky kids!" said the angry voice of Charles (the timbre of that voice, +after travelling through four inches of nose, is beyond imitation). +"Get off'n me! Quit now! Stop yer blame foolin'!" + +[Illustration: Get off'n me!] + +Oscar and I swallowed our giggles and rolled all over Charley. +"_Well_, by Jeeroosha!" came from the bottom of the heap in the tone of +one who has reached the breaking point of astonished fury. "I'm goin' +to do some shootin' when this is over--yes, sir, I won't hold back no +more--ef you boys don't git off'n me this minit, so help me Bob! I'll +bite yer!" + +This was a real danger, and we skipped off him briskly. "Why, +Charley," explained Oscar, "you see, we got so excited that we didn't +notice----" + +"There's Steve now," interrupted Charley, pointing with a long crooked +forefinger to the doorway. "Well, Steve! I'm glad you come. I just +want you to see the kind of goin's on there is here." Charles cleared +his throat and stuck his thumb in his vest. "F'r instance, this +mornin', I sittin' right there in that corner, not troublin' nobody, +when up gets that splay-footed, sprawlin', lumberin' bull-calf of an +Oscar, an' that mischievious, sawed-off little monkey of a Harry, and +they goes to pullin' and tusslin', and they jes' walks up and down on +me, same's if I was a flight of steps. Now, you know, Steve, I'm a man +of sagassity an' _ex_periunce, an' I ain't goin' to stand fur no such +dograsslin'. I felt like doin' them boys ser'us damage, but they're +young, and life spreads green and promisin' befo' 'em, like a banana +tree; consequently I prefer jus' to tell you my time is handed in." + +Charley was proudly erect. His arms stretched aloft. His one yellow +tooth rested on his lower lip; his face, the thickness and texture of a +much-worn leather pocketbook, showed a tinge of colour as the words +went to his head like wine. + +Steve looked at the floor. "Too bad, Charley; too bad," he said in +grave sympathy. "But probably we can fix it up. Now, as we have +company, would you mind hitting the breakfast trail?" + +"After I've made a few remarks," returned Charles haughtily. + +Steve dropped on a stool. "Sick your pup on," he said. Charley leaped +at the opportunity. + +"There _are_ some things I sh'd like to mention," said he. We noted +with pleasure that he wore his sarcastic manner. "F'r instance, you +doubtless behold them small piles of snow on the floo', which has come +in through certain an' sundry holes in the wall that orter been chinked +last fall. Is it _my_ place to chink them holes? The oldes' an' mose +_ex_periunced man in the hull cat-hop? I reckon otherwise. Then why +didn't they git chinked? Why is it that the snows and winds of an +outraged and jus'ly indignant Providence is allowed to introdoose +theirselves into this company unrebuked? + +"I have heard a' great deal, su', about the deadenin' effeck produced +upon man's vigger by a steady, reliable, so'thern climate. As a +citizen of the State of Texas fo' twenty years I repel the expersion +with scorn and hoomiliation. Nevertheless and notwithstanding, +'lowing' that to be the truth, did you encounter anything in this here +country to produce such an effeck? For Gawd's sake, su', if there's +anything in variety, a man livin' here orter lay holt of the grass +roots, fur fear he'd git so durn strong he couldn't stay on the face of +the yearth. Ef it ain't so sinful cold that yer ears'll drap off at a +touch, it's so hell-fire hot that a man's features melt all over his +face, and ef it ain't so solemn still that you're scart to death, the +wind'll blow the buttonholes outer yer clo's'. I have seen it do a +hull yearful of stunts in twenty-four hours, encludin' hot an' cold +weather, thunderstorms, drought, high water, and a blizzard. That +settles the climate question. Then what is it that has let them holes +go unchinked? I'll tell you, su'; it's nothin' more nor less than the +tinkerin', triflin', pettifoggin' dispersition of them two boys. +That's what makes it that there's mo' out-doors inside this bull-pen +than there is on the top of Chunkey Smith's butte; that's what makes it +I can't get up in the mornin' without having myself turned inter a +three-ringed circus. But I ain't the man to complain. Ef there's +anything that gums up the cards of life, it's a kicker; so jes' as one +man to another, I tells you what's wrong here and leaves you to figger +it out fer yerself." + +He glanced around on three grave faces with obvious satisfaction. His +wrath had dissipated in the vapour of words. "Nor they ain't such bad +boys, _as_ boys, nuther," he concluded. + +"I will examine this matter carefully, Charles," said Steve. + +"I thank you, su'," responded Charley, with a courtly sweep of his hand. + +"Not at all," insisted Steve, with a duplicate wave. "I beg that you +won't mention it. And now, if you would travel toward the house----" + +"_Cer_tainly!" + +And out we went into North Dakota's congealed envelope, with the smoke +from the main-house chimney rising three hundred feet into the air, a +snow-white column straight as a mast, Charley stalking majestically +ahead, while we three floundered weakly behind him. + +"Ain't he the corker?" gasped Oscar. "When he gets to jumping sideways +among those four-legged words he separates me from my good intentions." + +"'With scorn and hoomiliation,'" quoted Steve, and stopped, overcome. + +"'I tells you what's the matter and leaves you to figger it out for +yourself,'" I added. Then Charley heard us. He turned and approached, +an awful frown upon his brow. + +"May I inquire what is the reason of this yere merriment?" he asked. +The manner was that of a man who proposed to find out. It sat on +Charley with so ludicrous a parody that we were further undone. Steve +raised his hands in deprecation, and spoke in a muffled voice that +broke at intervals. + +"Can't I laugh in my own backyard, Charley?" he said. "By the Lord +Harry, I _will_ laugh inside my stakes! No man shall prevent me. The +Constitution of the United States, the Declaration of Independence, and +the Continental Congress give me the right. Now what have you got to +say?" + +"I dunno but what you have me whipsawed there, Steve," replied Charley, +scratching his head. "Ef it's your right by the Constitootion, o' +course I ain't goin' to object." + +"Do either of you object?" demanded Steve of Oscar and me in his +deepest bass. No, we didn't object; we fell down in the snow and +crowed like chanticleer. + +"Hunh!" snorted Charley. "Hunh! Them boys hain't got brains in their +heads at all--nothin' but doodle-bugs!" + +"Well, Charley," continued Steve, "as you don't object, and they don't +object, and I don't object, for God's sake let's have breakfast!" + +"I'll go you, Steve," replied Charles seriously, and we entered the +house uproarious. + +There in the kitchen was Mrs. Steve and the "company," a pretty little +bright-eyed thing, whose colour went and came at a word--more +particularly if Oscar said the word. The affair was at present in the +formal state--the dawn of realisation that two such wonderful and +magnificent creatures as Oscar and Sally existed. But they were not +Oscar and Sally except in the dear privacy of their souls. Yet how +much that is not obvious to the careless ear can be put into "Will you +have a buckwheat cake, Mr. Kendall?" or "May I give you a helping of +the syrup, Miss Brown?" It took some preparation for each to get out +so simple a remark, and invariably the one addressed started guiltily, +and got crimson. It was the most uncomfortable rapture I ever saw, +However, they received very little plaguing. I can remember but one +hard hit. Oscar was pouring syrup upon Sally's cakes, his eyes fixed +upon a dainty hand, that shook under his gaze like a leaf. He forgot +his business. Steve looked at the inverted, empty syrup-cup for some +moments in silence. Then he said to his wife, "Emma, go and get Sally +a nice cupful of fresh air to put on her cakes; that that Oscar has in +the pitcher is stale by this time." + +[Illustration: The affair was at present in the formal state] + +Oh, those cakes! And the ham! And the fried eggs and potatoes. We +lived like fighting cocks at Steve's, as happens on most of the small +ranches. The extreme glory of the prairie was not ours. We were +wood-choppers, hay-cutters, and farmers, as well as punchers; but what +we lost in romance, we made up in sustenance. No one ever saw a +biscuit suffering from soda-jaundice on Steve's table. And how, after +a night's sleep in a temperature of forty below zero, I would champ my +teeth on the path to breakfast! Eating was not an appetite in those +days--it was a passion. + +Charley and I went forth after breakfast, Oscar lingering a moment, +according to his use, to pass a painful five minutes in making excuses +for staying that time, where no one needed any explanation. + +"I wish to gracious Sally and Oscar would just act like people," said +Mrs. Steve once in exasperation. "They get me so nervous stammering at +each other that I drop everything I lay my hands on, and I feel as if +I'd robbed somebody for the rest of the day." + +The interview over, Oscar came out, burning with his own embarrassment, +and made a sore mess of everything he did for the next hour. A man +must have his mind about him on a ranch. + +Once upon a time Steve came to Charley and me, literally prancing. We +had heard oaths and yells and sounds of a battle royal previously, and +wondered what was going on. When he neared us he moved slowly, his +hands working like machinery. "I would like to know," he began, and +stopped to glare at us and grind his teeth. "I should like to know," +he continued, in a voice so weak with rage we could hardly hear it, +"who turned the red bull into number three corral." + +Charley and I went right on cleaning out the shed. We weren't going to +tell on Oscar. + +"So it's him again, heh?" shrieked Steve. "Well, now I propose to show +him something. I'll show him everything!" He was entirely beyond the +influence of reason and grammar. Charley had an ill-advised notion to +play the paternal. + +"Now, I'd cool down if I was you, Steve," he admonished. + +"You would, would you!" foamed Steve. "Well, who the devil cares what +you'd do, anyhow? And if you tell me to cool down just once more, I'll +drive you into the ground like a tent-pin." + +I jumped through the window, and then laughed, while Charley +administered his reproof with appropriate gestures. His long arms flew +in the air as he delivered the inspired address, Steve looking at him, +a bit of shamefacedness and fun showing through his heat. + +"An' mo' I tell you, Steven P. Hendricks!" rolled out Charley in +conclusion. "That this citizen of Texas, jus'ly and rightjus'ly called +the Lone Star State, has never yet experienced the feeling of bein' +daunted by face of man. No, su'! By God, su'!" He held the shovel +aloft like a sword. "Let 'em come as they will, male and female after +their kind, from a ninety poun' Jew peddler to Sittin' Bull himself, +and from a pigeon-toed Digger-Injun squaw to a fo'-hundred-weight Dutch +lady, I turn my back on none!" + +"You win, Charley," said Steve, and walked off. All Oscar caught out +of it was the request that when he felt like reducing the stock on the +ranch he'd take a rifle. + +Poor Oscar! All noble and heroic sentiments struggling within him, +with no outlet but a hesitating advancing of the theory that "if we +didn't get rain before long, the country'd be awful dry." Small wonder +that he burst out in the bull-pen one night with "I wish the Injuns +would jump this ranch!" + +"You do?" said Charley. "Well, durn your hide for that wish! What's +got into you to make you wish that?" + +"Aw!" said Oscar, twitching around on his stool, "I'm sick and tired of +not being able to say anything. If the Sioux got up, I could do +something." + +"Oh, that's it," retorted Charles. "Well, Oscar, far's I can see, if +it's necessary to have a war-party of Injuns whoopin' an' yellin' an' +crow-hoppin' an' makin' fancywork out of people to give you the proper +start afore your gal, it'd be jes' as well for you to stay single the +res' of your days. The results wouldn't justify the trouble." + +Afterward Oscar told me in private that Charley was an old stiff, and +he didn't believe he'd make a chest at a grasshopper if the latter +spunked up any. That wronged old Charley. But Oscar must be +excused--he was a singularly unhappy man. + +To come back to what happened. Oscar that morning had the care of +Geronimo, a coal-black, man-eating stallion, a brute as utterly devoid +of fear as of docility. A tiger kills to eat, and occasionally for the +fun of it; that horse killed out of ferocity, and hate of every living +thing. + +A fearful beast is a bad horse. One really has more chance against a +tiger. Geronimo stood seventeen hands high, and weighed over sixteen +hundred pounds. When he reared on his hind legs and came for you, +screaming, his teeth snapping like bear-traps, his black mane flying, a +man seemed a pigmy. One blow from those front hoofs and your troubles +were over. Once down, he'd trample, bite, and kick until your own +mother would hesitate to claim the pile of rags and jelly left. He had +served two men so; nothing but his matchless beauty saved his life. + +Nowhere could one find a better example of hell-beautiful than when he +tore around his corral in a tantrum, as lithe and graceful as a black +panther. His mane stood on end; his eyes and nostrils were of a +colour; the muscles looked to be bursting through the silken gloom of +his coat. His swiftness was something incredible. He caught and most +horribly killed Jim Baxter's hound before the latter could get out of +the corral--and a bear-hound is a pretty agile animal. We had to tie +Jim, or he'd made an end of Geronimo. He left the ranch right after +that. The loss of his dog broke him all up. + +We fed and watered Geronimo with a pitchfork, and in terror then, for +his slyness and cunning were on a par with his other pleasant +peculiarities. One of the poor devils he killed entered the stable all +unsuspecting. Geronimo had broken his chains, and stood close against +the wall of his stall in the darkness, waiting. The man came within +reach. Suddenly a black mass of flesh flashed in the air above him, +coming down with all four hoofs--and that's enough of that story. + +A nice pet was Geronimo. An excellent decoration for a gentleman's +stable--stuffed. + +Well, Oscar turned him out this morning, and then he, Steve, and I went +for hay. As it was toward the last of winter, all the near stacks had +been used up, and we had to haul from Kennedy's bottom, eight miles +away. When we started, the air was still and frozen, with a deep, +biting cold unusual to Dakota; the sort that searches you and steals +all the heat you own. We were numb by the time we reached the stack, +and glad enough to have warm work to do. We fell to it with a rush for +that reason, and because a dull grey blink upon the western skyline +seemed to promise a blizzard. We were tying down the last load, when I +heard the hum of wind coming, and looked up, expecting to see a wall of +flying snow, and continued looking, seeing nothing of the kind. There +I stood, in the air of an ice-house, when a gust of that wind struck +me. A miracle! In a snap of your fingers I was bathed in genial +warmth. All about me rode the scent of spring and flowers! It was as +if the doors of a giant conservatory were thrown open. + +"Chinook, boys! Chinook!" I called, casting down my fork. They ran +from the lee of the stack, throwing their coats open, drinking it in +and laughing, for, man! we were weary of winter! First it came in +puffs, at length settling down to a steady breeze, as of the sea. The +sun, that in the early morning was no more than a pale effigy, poured +on us a heart-warming fire. We hustled for home, knowing that the +Chinook would make short work of the snow. In fact, we had not covered +more than half the distance before the prairie began to show brown here +and there, where it lay thin between mountainous drifts. We sang and +howled all the way to the sheds, feeling fine. + +Here Steve left us, to go to the house, while Oscar and I unloaded the +sleighs. + +Suddenly I felt uncomfortable, for no reason in this world. The land +about us was rejoicing with the booming of that kind, warm wind, yet a +sharp uneasiness stopped me and forced me to raise my head. For +three-quarters of a circle nothing met my eyes but the vanishing +snow-drifts. I reached the house; nothing wrong there. Steve was +walking briskly out toward us, smoking his pipe. Then the corrals--all +right, number one, two, three, four--Lord have mercy! + +"Oscar!" I shrieked, and snatched him to his feet. He rose, bewildered +and half angry, then looked to where I pointed. + +Through the centre of number four corral tripped Sally, dear little +timid Sally, glad to be out in this lovely air, her eyes and mind on +Oscar doubtless, and in the same corral, shut off from her sight by a +projection of the sheds, stood Geronimo. And he saw her, too, for as +she waved a hand to us, he bared his great teeth and clashed them +together. The earth seemed to rock and sink from me. Every soul on +the ranch was told to keep away from the corral with the two buffalo +skulls over the gates, a warning sufficiently big and gruesome to stop +anyone. What fatal lapse of memory had struck the girl? + +She was beyond help. We were all of two hundred yards away, and Steve +still farther; she was not a quarter of that from the brute. If we +shouted, if we moved, we might bring her end upon her--and such an end! +When I thought of that dainty, pretty little woman beneath those hoofs, +I felt a hideous sickness. The man beside me said, "My God! My +mistake!" A corral opened on each side of the box stall in which +Geronimo was confined. One of these was usually empty, a reserve. It +was into this that Oscar had turned the horse. The other was the +corral of the skulls. + +Geronimo leaped out. The girl halted, stark, open-mouthed, every sign +of life stricken from her at a blow. Geronimo sprang high and snapped +at nothing, in evil play before the earnest. It was horrible. We +could do neither harm nor good now, so we ran for the spot. It was +down hill from us to them. I doubt that anything on two legs ever +covered distance as we did, for all the despair. Geronimo reared and +stood upon his hind feet, as straight as a man. He advanced, striking, +looming above his victim. "All over," I thought, and tried to take my +eyes away. I could not. + +At that instant a white-hatted, gaunt, tall figure rushed from the +stable door, a shovel in its hand, straight between the girl and her +destruction. There he stood, with his partly weapon raised, +unflinching. An oath came to my lips and a hot spot to my throat at +the sight. No eye ever saw a braver thing. + +At this, a dip in the ground and the eight-foot fence of the corral +shut out all within. God knows how we got over that fence. I swear I +think we leaped it. I have no memory of climbing, but I do recall +landing on the other side in a swoop. + +Geronimo had old Charley in his teeth, shaking him like a rat. + +"Steve!" I called, "Steve!" And then Oscar and I charged at the wicked +brute with our pitchforks. All that followed is a tangled, bad dream +of hurry, fear, yells, oaths, and myself stabbing, stabbing, stabbing +with the pitchfork. Then a gun cracked somewhere, a black mass toppled +toward me that knocked me sprawling--and all was still. I sat for a +moment, smiling foolishly and fumbling for my hat. Steve raised me by +the arm. He still had his revolver in his hand, and his glance on the +dead stallion. He asked me if I was hurt, and I said yes. He asked me +where, and I said that made no difference. Then, as I came to a little +more, I said I guessed I wasn't hurt, and looked around. Oscar had +Sally in his arms. The tears were running down his cheeks, and he +moved his head from side to side, like a man in agony. Her head was +buried in his breast, her hands locked around his neck. It was well +with them, evidently. But limp upon the ground, his forehead varnished +red, lay old Charley. + +We turned him over tenderly, wiping the blood away. Steve's lips +quivered as he put his hand on the old man's heart. He kept it there a +long time. Then he said huskily, "He's gone!" At the words the sound +eye of the victim popped open with a suddenness that made my heart +throw a somersault. It was as sane, calm, and undisturbed an optic as +ever regarded the world. + +"G-a-w-n H--l!" said Charley. + +We laughed and wiped our eyes with our coat sleeves, and got the old +boy to his feet. + +"Same old Texas," said he, feeling of his head (the hoof had scraped, +instead of smashing), "slightly disfiggered, but still in the ring." + +He caught sight of the lovers. "Hello!" he said. "Oscar's made his +ante good at last--bad hawse works as well as Injuns." We started to +lead him by the pair. + +"Naw, boys," he commanded. "Take me 'round 't'uther way. That gal +don't want to see me now, all bloody and mussed up like this." + +It was useless to attempt making a hero of Charley. + + + + +Billy the Buck + +I fancy I assume an impregnable position in saying that real poetry is +truth, presented in its most vivid and concise form. If the statement +stands, I request that every line of English verse containing the words +"Timid deer," or referring in any way to a presumed gentle, trusting, +philanthropic disposition in the beast, be at once revised or +expurgated. I shall not except the works of William Shakespeare. When +the melancholy Jaques speaks of one of these ferocious animals, saying, +"The big round tears coursed one another down his innocent nose in +piteous chase," I believe Jaques lied; or, if he lied not, and the +phenomenon occurred as reported, that the tears were tears of rage +because the deer could not get at Jaques, and as an extension, if he +had gotten at Jaques, he would have given said Jaques some cold facts +to be contemplative about. After my experience, if I should see any +misguided person making friendly advances to one of these horned +demons, I should cry, "Whoa!" as Cassandra did to the wood horse of the +Greeks, and probably with the same result. They would not falter until +they had gathered bitter experience with their own hands. + +Why? This is why. One day, when I was working on a Dakota ranch, the +boss, a person by the name of Steve, urged me to take an axe, go forth, +and chop a little wood, which I did. + +The weather was ideal. A Dakota fall. Air vital with the mingled +pleasant touch of frost and sun, like ice-cream in hot coffee, and +still as silence itself. I had a good breakfast, was in excellent +health and spirits; the boss could by no means approach within a mile +unperceived, and everything pointed to a pleasant day. But, alas! as +the Copper-lined Killelu-bird of the Rockies sings, "Man's hopes rise +with the celerity and vigour of the hind leg of the mule, only to +descend with the velocity of a stout gentleman on a banana peel." + +On reaching the grove of cottonwoods I sat down for a smoke and a +speculative view of things in general, having learned at my then early +age that philosophy is never of more value than when one should be +doing something else. + +I heard a noise behind me, a peculiar noise, between a snort and a +violent bleat. Turning, I saw a buck deer, and, from the cord and bell +around his neck, recognised him as one Billy, the property of Steve's +eldest boy. He was spoken of as a pet. + +This was the touch needed to complete my Arcadia; the injection of +what, at the time, I considered to be poetry into the excellent prose +of open air life. Who could see that graceful, pretty creature, and +remain unmoved? Not I, at all events. I fancied myself as a knight of +old in the royal forest, which gave a touch of the archaic to my +speech. "Come here, thou sweet-eyed forest child!" I cried, and here +he came! At an estimate I should say that he was four axe-handles, or +about twelve feet high, as he upended himself, brandished his antlers, +and jumped me. My axe was at a distance. I moved. I played knight to +king's bishop's eighth, in this case represented by a fork of the +nearest tree. A wise and subtle piece of strategy, as it resulted in a +drawn game. + +[Illustration: "A wise and subtle piece of strategy"] + +My friend stood erect for a while, making warlike passes with his front +feet (which, by the way, are as formidable weapons as a man would care +to have opposed to him); then, seeing that there was no sporting blood +in me, he devoured my lunch and went away--a course I promptly imitated +as far as I could; I departed. + +Hitherto, I had both liked and admired Steve. His enormous strength, +coupled with an unexpected agility and an agreeable way he had of +treating you as if you were quite his own age, endeared him to me. +When I poured out my troubles to him, however, rebuking him for +allowing such a savage beast to be at large, he caused my feelings to +undergo a change. For, instead of sympathising, he fell to uproarious +laughter, slapped his leg, and swore that it was the best thing he'd +ever heard of, and wished he'd been there to see it. + +I concluded, judicially, that Steve had virtues, but that he was at the +last merely a very big man of coarse fibre. Perhaps I had been a +little boastful previously concerning my behaviour under trying +circumstances. If so, I was well paid out for it. That night I had +the pleasure of listening to an account of my adventures, spiced with +facetious novelties of Steve's invention, such as that my cries for +help were audible to the house, and only the fact that he couldn't tell +from which direction they came prevented Steve from rushing to my +rescue, and that all the deer wanted was my lunch, anyhow. I wished I +had kept the lunch episode to myself. + +[Illustration: "An account of my adventures"] + +There are probably no worse teases on earth than the big boys who chase +the cow on the Western prairies. They had "a horse on the kid," and +the poor kid felt nightmare ridden indeed. If I were out with them, +someone would assume an anxious look and carefully scout around a bunch +of grass in the distance, explaining to the rest that there might be a +deer concealed there, and one could not be too careful when there were +wild beasts like that around. Then the giggling rascals would pass the +suspected spot with infinite caution, perhaps breaking into a gallop, +with frightened shrieks of "The deer! The deer!" while I tried to look +as if I liked it, and strove manfully to keep the brine of +mortification from rolling down my cheeks. + +I didn't let my emotions take the form of words, because I had wit +enough to know that I could not put a better barrier between myself and +a real danger than those husky lads of the leather breeches and white +hats. For all that, I had a yearning to see one of them encounter the +deer at his worst. I did not wish anyone hurt, and was so confident of +their physical ability that I did not think anyone would be; but I felt +that such an incident would strengthen their understanding. + +This thing came to pass, and, of all people, on my arch-enemy, Steve. +If I had had the arrangement of details, I could not have planned it +better. Because of my tender years, the light chores of the ranch fell +to my share. One day everyone was off, leaving me to chink up the +"bull-pen," or men's quarters, with mud, against the cold of +approaching winter. Steve had taken his eldest boy on a trip to pick +out some good wood. + +Presently arrived the boy, hatless, running as fast as he could tear, +the breath whistling in his lungs. "Come _quick_!" was the message. +It seems the deer had followed the couple, and when the boy fooled with +his old playmate, the deer knocked him down and would have hurt him +badly, but that his father instantly jumped into the fray and grabbed +the animal by the horns, with the intention of twisting his head off. +The head was fastened on more firmly than Steve supposed. What he did +not take at all into account was that the buck was both larger and +stronger than he. Though raised on a bottle, Billy was by long odds +the largest deer I ever saw. + +Steve got the surprise of his life. The battle was all against him. +The best he could hope to do was to hold his own until help arrived; so +he sent the boy off hotfoot. Although his power for a short exertion +was great, Steve was in no kind of training, having allowed himself to +fatten up, and being an inordinate user of tobacco. Per contra, the +deer felt freshened and invigorated by exertion. That's the deuce of +it with an animal--_he_ doesn't tire. + +I knew that Steve was in plenty trouble, or he wouldn't have sent for +help. The boy's distress denied the joke I suspected; I grabbed a rope +and made for the grove, the boy trailing me. I should have gotten a +gun, but I didn't think of it. + +Those were the days when I could run; when it was exhilaration to sail +over the prairie. The importance of my position as rescuer--which +anyone who has been a boy will understand--lent springs to my feet. + +It was well for Steve that mine were speedy legs. When I got there his +face was grey and mottled, like an old man's, and his mouth had a weak +droop, very unlike devil-may-care Steve. The two had pawed up the +ground for rods around in the fight; the deer's horns, beneath where +the man gripped them, were wet with the blood of his torn palms. +Steve's knees, arms, and head were trembling as if in an ague fit. He +was all in--physically; but the inner man arose strong above defeat. +"Here's--your--deer--Kid!" he gasped. "I--kept--him--for you!" + +[Illustration: "'Here's--your--deer--Kid,' he gasped"] + +I yelled to him to hold hard for one second, took a running jump, and +landed on Mr. Buck's flank with both feet. It was something of a +shock. Over went deer, man, and boy. I was on my pins in a jiffy, +snapped the noose over the deer's hind legs, tangled him up anyhow in +the rest of the riata, and snubbed him to the nearest tree. Then Steve +got up and walked away to where he could be ill with comfort. And he +was good and sick. + +When he felt better, he arose and opened his knife, swearing that he +would slit that critter's throat from ear to ear; but Steve, junior, +plead so hard for the life of his pet that Big Steve relented, and Mr. +Billy Buck was saved for further mischief. + +That afternoon two of us rode out and roped him, "spreading" him +between us as we dragged him home. He fought every step of the way. +My companion, a hot-headed Montana boy, was for killing him a +half-dozen times. However, feeling that the deer had vindicated me, I +had a pride in him, and kept him from a timely end. We turned him +loose in a corral with a blooded bull-calf, some milch cows, +work-steers, and other tame animals. "And I bet you he has 'em all +chewing the rag inside of twenty-four hours," said my companion. + +That night Steve made ample amend for his former mirth. Indeed, he +praised my fleetness and promptness of action so highly that I was +seized by an access of modesty as unexpected as it was disorganising. + +The next day Steve stood on the roof of the shed at the end of Billy +Buck's corral. Suddenly he straightened up and waved his hat. "Deer +and bull fight!" he called. "Come a-running everybody!" We dropped +our labours and sprinted for the corral, there to sit upon the shed and +watch the combat. Steve didn't know what began the trouble, but when I +got there the young bull was facing the deer, his head down, blowing +the dust in twin clouds before him, hooking the dirt over his back in +regular righting bull fashion, and anon saying, "Bh-ur-ur-ooor!" in an +adolescent basso-profundo, most ridiculously broken by streaks of +soprano. When these shrill notes occurred the little bull rolled his +eyes around, as much as to say "Who did that?" and we, swinging our +legs on the shed roof, laughed gleefully and encouraged him to sail in. + +His opponent watched this performance with a carriage of the head +which, for superciliousness, I never have seen equaled in man, woman, +or beast. His war-cry was a tinny bleat: the cry of a soul bursting +with sardonic merriment. It was like the Falstaffian laughter of the +duck, without its ring of honesty. + +The bull, having gone through the preliminaries of his code, cocked his +tail straight in the air and charged. The buck waited until he was +within three feet; then he shot sideways, and shot back again, his +antlers beating with a drum-stick sound on the bull's ribs. "Baw-aw!" +said the bull. Probably that hurt. Again bull faced buck. This time +the bovine eye wore a look of troubled wonderment, while one could mark +an evil grin beneath the twitching nose of his antagonist; and his +bleat had changed to a tone which recalled the pointing finger and +unwritable "H'nh-ha!" that greets misfortune in childhood. "I told you +so!" it said. The bull, however, is an animal not easily discouraged. +Once more he lowered his foolish head and braved forth like a +locomotive. + +But it would take too long to tell all the things Billy Buck did to +that bull. He simply walked all over him and jabbed and raked and +poked. Away went the bull, his erstwhile proudly erect tail slewed +sideways, in token of struck colours--a sign of surrender disregarded +by his enemy, who thought the giving of signals to cease fighting a +prerogative of his office. Away went the old cows and the work-steers +and the horses, in a thundering circuit of the corral, the horned stock +bawling in terror, and Billy Buck "boosting" every one of them +impartially. We cheered him. + +"Gad! I'm glad I didn't slit his windpipe!" said Steve. "He's a +corker!" + +Billy drove his circus parade around about six times before his proud +soul was satisfied. Then he took the centre of the ring, and bellowed +a chant of victory in a fuller voice than he had given before, while +the other brutes, gathered by the fence, looked at him in stupefaction. + +Only once more did Billy Buck figure in history before he left us for a +larger field in town, and on this occasion, for the first and last time +in his career, he got the worst of it. + +A lone Injun came to the ranch--a very tall, grave man, clad in +comic-picture clothes. A battered high hat surmounted his block of +midnight hair, and a cutaway coat, built for a man much smaller around +the chest, held his torso in bondage. As it was warm on the day he +arrived, he had discarded his trousers--a breech-clout was plenty +leg-gear, he thought. He bore a letter of recommendation from a white +friend. + +"Plenty good letter--_leela ouashtay ota_," said he, as he handed the +missive over. I read it aloud for the benefit of the assembled ranch. +It ran: + +"This is Jimmy-hit-the-bottle, the worst specimen of a bad tribe. He +will steal anything he can lift. If he knew there was such a thing as +a cemetery, he'd walk fifty miles to rob it. Any citizen wishing to do +his country a service will kindly hit him on the head with an axe. + +"JACK FORSYTHE." + + +"Plenty good letter--_ota_!" cried the Injun, his face beaming with +pride. + +[Illustration: "Jimmy-hit-the-bottle"] + +I coughed, and said it was indeed vigorous; Steve and the boys fled the +scene. Now, we knew that Jimmy was a good Injun, or he wouldn't have +had any letter at all; that great, grave face, coupling the seriousness +of childhood and of philosophy, simply offered an irresistible +temptation to the writer of the letter. There was something pathetic +in the way the gigantic savage folded up his treasure and replaced it +in his coat. I think Forsythe would have weakened had he seen it. +Still, after we laughed, we felt all the better disposed toward Jimmy, +so I don't know but it was a good form of introduction after all. +Jimmy was looking for work, a subject of research not general to the +Injun, but by no means so rare as his detractors would make out. He +got it. The job was to clean out Billy Buck's corral. Steve found +employment for the hands close to home for the day, that no one should +miss the result. It is always business first on the ranch, and a +practical joke takes precedence over other labours. Steve hung around +the corral, where he could peek through the chinks. Hoarse whispers +inquiring "Anything up yet?" were for so long answered in the negative, +that it seemed the day had been in vain. At last the welcome shout +rang out, "Injun and deer fight! Everybody run!" We flew, breathless +with anticipatory chuckles. We landed on top of the shed, to witness +an inspiring scene--one long-legged, six-foot-and-a-half Injun, +suitably attired in a plug hat, cutaway coat, breech-clout, and +mocassins, grappling in mortal combat a large and very angry deer. The +arena and the surrounding prairie were dreaming in a flood of mellow +autumn light. It was a day on which the sun scarce cast a shadow, yet +everything sent back his rays clearly, softened and sweetened, like the +answer of an echo. It was a day for great deeds, such as were enacted +before us; steel-strung frame pitted against steel-strung frame; +bottomless endurance against its equal. And never were such jumpings, +such prancings, such wild wavings of legs beheld by human eyes before. +You cannot beat it into people's heads that the horned critters are the +lords of brute creation; yet it is the fact. A bull chased a lion all +around the ring in the arena in Mexico, finally killing him with one +blow. In Italy they shut a buck deer and a tiger in a cage. There was +a brief skirmish, and the tiger slunk to the corner of the cage, +howling. + +Splendid was the exhibition of strength and agility we looked upon, +but, alas! its poetry was ripped up the back by the cutaway coat, the +plug hat, and the unrelated effect of those long, bare red legs +twinkling beneath. + +Indirectly it was the plug hat that ended the battle. At first, if +Jimmy-hit-the-bottle felt any emotion, whether joy, resentment, terror, +or anything man can feel, his face did not show it. One of the +strangest features of the show was that immaculately calm face suddenly +appearing through the dust-clouds, unconscious of storm and stress. At +last, however, a yank of the deer's head--Jimmy had him by the +horns--caused the plug hat to snap off, and the next second the deer's +sharp foot went through it. You will remember Achilles did not get +excited until his helmet touched the dust. Well, from what the cold, +pale light of fact shows of the size and prowess of those ancient +swaggerers, Jimmy-hit-the-bottle could have picked Achilles up by his +vulnerable heel and bumped his brains out against a tree, and this +without strain; so when the pride of his life, his precious plug hat, +was thus maltreated, his rage was vast in proportion. His eyes shot +streaks of black lightning; he twisted the deer's head sideways, and +with a leap landed on his back. Once there, he seized an ear between +his strong teeth and shut down. We rose to our feet and yelled. It +was wonderful, but chaotic. I would defy a moving-picture camera to +resolve that tornado into its elements of deer and Injun. We were +conscious of curious illusions, such as a deer with a dozen heads +growing out of all parts of a body as spherical as this, our earth, and +an Injun with legs that vetoed all laws of gravitation and anatomy. + +Poor Billy Buck! He outdid the wildest of our pitching horses for a +half minute; but the two hundred and odd pounds he had on his back +told--he couldn't hold the gait. Jimmy wrapped those long legs around +him--the deer's tail in one hand, the horn in the other, and the ear +between his teeth--and waited in grim determination. "Me-ah-a-aaaa!" +said the deer, dropping to his knees. + +Jimmy got off him. Billy picked himself up and scampered to the other +end of the corral, shaking his head. + +The Injun straightened himself up, making an effort to draw a veil of +modesty over the pride that shone in his eyes. + +"H-nh!" he said. "Fool deer tackle Tatonka Sutah!" ("Tatonka-Sutah," +or Strong Bull, was the more poetic title of Jimmy-hit-the-bottle among +his own kind.) + +He then gravely punched his plug hat into some kind of shape and +resumed his work. + +We pitched in and bought Jimmy a shiny new plug hat which--which will +lead me far afield if I don't drop the subject. + +Well, he was master of Mr. Billy Buck. When he entered the corral, the +deer stepped rapidly up to the farther corner and stayed there. + +Now came the broadening of Billy's career. A certain man in our +nearest town kept a hotel near the railroad depot. For the benefit of +the passengers who had to stop there a half-hour for meals and +recreation, this man had a sort of menagerie of the animals natural to +the country. There was a bear, a mountain lion, several coyotes, +swifts, antelope, deer, and a big timber wolf, all in a wire +net-enclosed park. + +It so happened that Steve met Mr. D----, the hotel proprietor, on one +of his trips to town, and told him what a splendid deer he had out at +the ranch. Mr. D---- became instantly possessed of a desire to own the +marvel, and a bargain was concluded on the spot. Billy by this time +had shed his horns, and was all that could be wished for in the way of +amiability. We tied his legs together, and shipped him to town in a +waggon. + +Steve did not trick Mr. D----. He told him plainly that the deer was a +dangerous customer, and that to be careful was to retain a whole skin; +but the hotel proprietor, a little, fat, pompous man with a big bass +voice--the kind of a man who could have made the world in three days +and rested from the fourth to the seventh, inclusive, had it been +necessary--thought he knew something of the deer character. "That +beautiful creature, with its mild eyes and humble mien, hurt anyone? +Nonsense!" So he had a fine collar made for Billy, with his name on a +silver plate, and then led him around town at the end of a chain, being +a vain little man, who liked to attract attention by any available +means. All worked well until the next fall. Mr. D---- was lulled into +false security by the docility of his pet, and allowed him the freedom +of the city, regardless of protest. Then came the spectacular end of +Billy's easy life. It occurred on another warm autumn day. The +passengers of the noon train from the East were assembled in the hotel +dining-room, putting away supplies as fast as possible, the train being +late. The room was crowded; the darkey waiters rushing; Mr. D---- +swelling with importance. Billy entered the room unnoticed in the +general hurry. A negro waiter passed him, holding two loaded trays. +Perhaps he brushed against Billy; perhaps Billy didn't even need a +provocation; at any rate, as the waiter started down the room, Billy +smote him from behind, and dinner was served! + +When the two tray-loads of hot coffee, potatoes, soup, chicken, and the +rest of the bill of fare landed all over the nearest table of guests, +there was a commotion. Men leaped to their feet with words that showed +they were no gentlemen, making frantic efforts to wipe away the +scalding liquids trickling over them. The ladies shrieked and were +tearful over the ruin of their pretty gowns. Mr. D----, on the spot +instantly, quieted his guests as best he could on the one hand, and +berated the waiter for a clumsy, club-footed baboon on the other. +Explanation was difficult, if not impossible. Arms flew, hard words +flew; the male guests were not backward in adding their say. Then, +even as I had been before, the coloured man was vindicated. Suddenly +two women and a man sprang on top of the table and yelled for help. +Mr. D---- looked upon them open-mouthed. The three on top of the table +clutched one another, and howled in unison. Mr. D----'s eye fell on +Billy, crest up, war-like in demeanour, and also on a well-dressed man +backing rapidly under the table. + +A flash of understanding illumined Mr. D----. The deer, evidently, +felt a little playful; but it would never do, under the circumstances. +"Come here, sir!" he commanded. Billy only lived to obey such a +command, as I have shown. But this time Mr. D---- recognised a +difference, and went about like a crack yacht. He had intentions of +reaching the door. Billy cut off retreat. Mr. D---- thought of the +well-dressed man, and dived under the table. Those who had stood +uncertain, seeing this line of action taken by one who knew the customs +of the country, promptly imitated him. The passengers of the Eastern +express were ensconced under the tables, with the exception of a +handful who had preferred getting on top of them. + +Outside, three cow punchers, who chanced to be riding by, were +perfectly astonished by the noises that came from that hotel. They +dismounted and investigated. When they saw the feet projecting from +beneath the cloths, and the groups in statuesque poses above, they +concluded not to interfere, although strongly urged by the victims. +"You are cowards!" cried the man with the two women. The punchers +joyfully acquiesced, and said, "Sick 'em, boy!" to the deer. + +Meanwhile, the express and the United States mail were waiting. The +conductor, watch in hand, strode up and down the platform. + +"What do you suppose they're doing over there?" he asked his brakeman. + +The brakeman shrugged his shoulders. "Ask them punchers," he replied. + +The conductor lifted his voice. "What's the matter?" he called. + +"Oh, come and see! Come and see!" said the punchers. "It's too good +to tell.'" + +The conductor shut his watch with a snap. + +"Five minutes late," he said. "Pete, go and hustle them people over +here. I start in three minutes by the watch." + +"Sure," said Pete, and slouched across. Pete was surprised at the +sight that met his gaze, but orders were orders. He walked up and +kicked Billy, at the same time shouting "All aboard for the West! Git +a wiggle on yer!" + +The man owed his life to the fact that the deer could get no foothold +on the slippery hardwood floor. As it was, Billy tried to push, and +his feet shot out; man and deer came to the floor together, the +brakeman holding hard. The passengers boiled out of the hotel like a +mountain torrent. The punchers, thinking the brakeman in danger, +sprang through the window and tied the deer. Pete gasped his thanks +and hustled out. No one was left but Billy, the punchers, the darkey +waiters, and Mr. D----. + +[Illustration: The punchers to the rescue] + +"This your deer?" inquired the punchers of the latter. + +"It is," said Mr. D----. "Take him out and hang him--don't shoot +him--hang him!" + +"All right," replied the punchers. They took Billy out and turned him +loose in the deer-pen. + +"Reckon the old man'll feel better about it to-morrow," they said. + +And it came to pass that the old man did feel better; so Billy was +spared. Perhaps if you have travelled to the West you have seen him--a +noble representative of his kind. Well, this is his private history +which his looks belie. + + + + +The Demon in the Canon + + + "_I know not where the truth may be; + I tell the tale as 'twas told to me._" + (Probable misquotation of old couplet.) + + +There was once an earnest missionary who went to the trouble of +learning the Sioux language, in order to be of more use in his chosen +field. He spoke it with a strong Boston accent. One day he laboured +with a big Uncapapa brave long and eagerly. The Injun listened to all +he had to say. When at great length silence fell, the Redman spoke. + +"Have you any tobacco?" said he. + +"Why, no!" returned the missionary. + +"Hungh! So long!" said the Injun, and rode away on a trot. + +Now, there may be those who will object that the plain, unvarnished +tale of my friend "Hy" Smith, which follows, is lacking in the robust +qualities that truth alone can bring; to them I recommend the attitude +of the Injun. But I must add this: Heaven forbid that I should have to +stand good for any of Hy's stories! Still, some of what I considered +his most outrageous lies afterward received strong and unexpected +confirmation. For instance, the manner in which he earned his +sobriquet of "Hydraulic" Smith I thought was pure fable, but no less a +man than his former employer said that it was fact in every essential. +Smith got his front name while working in a big hydraulic camp in +Idaho. He was nozzleman. One day in an unusually merry mood he turned +the monitor loose on a crowd of Chinamen who were working over tailings. + +[Illustration: "Hy" Smith] + +"And if ever you saw felt shoes and pigtails flying in the air 'twas +then," said Hy. "It looked for all the world like Old Faithful had +spouted in a poll-parrot cage. I don't know why I done it, no more +than the man in the moon--it was one of them idees that takes hold of +you, and gets put through before you can more'n realise you're thinking +of it--but it was the greatest success of its kind I ever see. We had +a two-hundred-foot head of water and a six-inch stream, and I might say +that there was a yaller haze of Chinamen in the atmosphere for the next +ten seconds. I piped one Charley-boy right over the top of a +tool-shed. Well, our boss was a mighty kind-hearted man, and when that +crowd of spitting, foaming, gargling, gobbling Chinamen went to him, +and begun to pour out their troubles like several packs of +fire-crackers going off to oncet, waving all the arms and legs I hadn't +knocked out of commission, he was het up considerable. He never waited +to hear my side of the story, but just rolled up his pants and waded +into me up to the hocks; he read me my pedigree from Adam's wife's +sister down to now, and there wasn't a respectable person in it, +according to him. + +"I didn't like it, and I made a swipe for him with a shovel, but he was +too soople for me, and of all the lickings I ever got, that is the one +I don't want to remember the most: he did a sort of double-shuffle +fandango on my back, while he brought my legs into the argument with a +sluice rake. + +"When he asked me if I had had enough, I told him I thought it would do +for the present, because, as a matter of fact, if all I had more than +enough was money in the bank, I wouldn't have done no more work for the +rest of my days. + +"So then he calls me up and gives me my time, and I must say he treated +me square when he said good-bye. + +"'You're the best darn man on a monitor lever that I ever did see,' +says he, 'but anywheres else you're the foolest combine of small boy +and dare-devil, and some other queer thing that I don't seem to be able +to find a name for, that ever cumbered this earth. Now, get the ---- +out of this, and good luck to you.' + +"I didn't feel a bit sorry for them Chinamen--they're only hairless +monkeys that don't even know enough to wear their tails in the right +place. Their arithmetic proves that. It's regular monkey figgering. +They haven't any numbers that look like numbers at all. Suppose you +want to multipy twenty-five by thirty-six, Chinee system? First you +put down a rooster's foot-track; that's twenty-five. Underneath that +goes the ground-plan of a small house; that's thirty-six. Then you +take an hour off, and work out the sum with a lot of little balls on +wires; then you put down the answer, and what do you think it is? Why, +it's a map of Chicago after the fire! Shucks! And they call +themselves men. I'd go old Job three boils to his one rather than have +any Chinks around me. + +"Well, the boys labelled me Hydraulic Smith from that on, and I went +prospecting. Took up with a feller named Agamemnon G. Jones. Aggy was +a big, fine-looking man, with a chest like a dry-goods box, and a set +of whiskers that would start him in business anywhere. They were the +upstandingest, noblest, straightforwardest outfit of whiskers I most +ever saw, and how they come to grow on Ag is a mystery; but they stood +him in many a dollar, now, I tell you that! + +"He was a man of pretty considerable education, in some ways, and he +could make you believe that to-day was last Thursday a week ago, if you +weren't on to him. At this time he was kind of under a cloud like +myself, and the way it come about was this: + +"He started an assay office when he first struck the gulch, and he used +to bring in results according to the looks of the customer. If the man +looked tender around the feet, Aggy'd knock it to him, and probably the +shave-tail would be so pleased that he would fork out an extra ten; but +if he was plainly vented as one of the boys, there would be just enough +pay in the return to encourage him. Now, Jones did everything +shipshape and in style. Here's the paper that made him trouble." + +Hy fished a slip out of the bundle in his old pocket-book and handed it +to me. + + + AGAMEMNON G. JONES, _Assayer_, + Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis. + + _Sample left by Mr. Idaho Kid_ _No. 36,943_. + + Value per ton. + Gold ...................................... $362.13 + Silver .................................... 186.90 + Platinum .................................. 14.77 + Lead ...................................... 2.06 + Iridium ................................... .02 + Osmium .................................... .00003+ + Copper .................................... 18.54 + + 10:36 A.M. 3/16/81 + + Signed, AGAMEMNON G. JONES, _Assayer_. + + +"Now, that was the worst that Aggy had ever sprung on anybody, because +this Idaho Kid looked as if he hadn't been three weeks away from his +mother; instead of which he was a hootin', tootin' son-of-a-gun in +reality, and you might say he'd cut his teeth on a miner's candlestick. + +"When the Kid saw that miraculous result, his eyes bunged out; then he +took a long breath and wrecked the place. Aggy left at one that +morning for fear that worse might follow. He fetched this paper with +him to remind him that 'genius has its limitations,' he said. But he +didn't seem to learn anything by it. Next he took up engineering. He +hit a blame good job on Castle Creek. The people wanted to turn the +creek through a tunnel, so that they could work the bed, and at this +point it was rather an easy business. The stream made a 'U' about +three-quarters of a mile long, the bottom prong being at least a +hundred and fifty feet below the water-level on the top one--a smashing +good fall--so Aggy started in on the down side to bore the hole up. +Well, everything went lovely. He'd come around with his plans and +specifications twice a day, and draw his hundred once a week regular +for his great labours. At last, however, the shift-boss said they must +be getting pretty near water; he could hear it roar through the face of +the tunnel, he said. But Aggy told him not to be alarmed; he had it +all worked out, and they weren't within forty foot of breaking through." + +[Illustration: He'd come around with his plans and specifications twice +a day] + +"So at it they went again, as cheerful as could be, and the next news +they got, down comes the face, and they were being piped through four +hundred foot of black-dark tunnel, trying to guess what was up, bumping +and banging against the walls, and the whole of Castle Creek on top of +them. My, Chinamen weren't a circumstance. Aggy said they boiled out +of the lower end of the tunnel where he was standing so fast he +couldn't recognise them, and, as a matter of fact, three or four of 'em +were washed a mile down creek before they could make land. Aggy +gathered that it was time to move again, so he pulled back for Idaho. +There wasn't anybody really drowned, except old Tom Olley, a +cousin-Jack whose only amusement in life was to wear out his pants +laying low for cinches in the stud-poker game, and you couldn't rightly +say he was any loss to the community. So Aggy used to regret sometimes +that he hadn't stayed to face the music. They might have played horse +with him for a while, but 'twould soon have blown over--miners not +being revengeful by nature--and he was to have had an eighth interest, +besides his salary, if the thing was a success. + +"But there was no good of crying over spilt milk, and us two went +prospecting. + +"We located for a permanent stand down on Frenchman's Creek, near where +three of Cap' Ally's greaser sheep herders had their camp. They did +our hunting for us, and as there was nobody but them around, and they +were the peacefullest people in the world, we didn't feel the need of +any gun except Ag's old six-shooter. That was the cussedest machine +that ever got invented by man. When you pulled her off she'd spit fire +in all directions, filling the crotch of your hand with powder burns, +and sometimes two or three of the loads would go off at once, when +she'd kick like a Texas steer. There was much talk of bear around, and +we were always going to buy a real gun, some day, but we never got at +it. + +"Well, we prospered pretty well, considering how little we worked. A +large part of the time was taken up with playing monte with the +herders, and still more in arguing questions about religion and things +like that; but we had a decent cabin built--with the kind assistance of +the herders--and as we struck a rich little streak that run out ten +dollars per man a day with no trouble at all, we were in clover. + +"At last our stock of grub ran low, and Jones slid up to Salmon City to +load up again. It was quite a trip, and as I didn't think it was +square to work while Aggy was away, I took up with the herders. They +were the decentest folks I ever struck. Play a little music on the +guitar, sing songs that always wound up just where a white man's songs +would begin, and tell stories and smoke cigarettes--that was the layout +for them. Old Cap' Allys was a Christian, and he wouldn't let a man +herd sheep all by himself--surest way to get crazy that ever was +invented--so he sent the boys out three in a bunch. + +"Those fellers had the darndest lot of fairy tales I ever did hear. +And superstitious! Great Jupiter! Any little blame thing that +happened meant something: this thing was good luck; that meant bad, and +if you tried to josh them out of it, they'd shake their heads and look +at you as if they thought you weren't truly religious. One of their +yarns was about El Diablo de Fuego, 'The Devil of Fire,' which Miguel +said ran in his family. Seems that when anything wrong was about to +happen, this blazing, ripping monster showed up as a warning. I told +Mee that I thought the monster was misfortune enough, without anything +else, but he was scandalised. + +"'Psst!' says he. 'Do not spik sooch t'eeng as dthat! Ay, di mi! +Je-Maria-mi Cristo! Jesu, muy dolce y poquito! Dhat mek heem +arrrrrrive dthat eenstant, eef djoo spik weez dees-rrreespeck!' + +"'All right, Mee,' says I. 'We'll let her go at that--todo el mismo +por mi, sabe? But how's the bear crop?' + +"'Ay, cara! Is plenty goddam ba-are!' says Pepe. 'Keel three--four +ship las' nigh'! That mek that two mus' seet oop for watch, an' alll +ship mus' be in close-corrrrallll! I speet on the soul of that ba-are!' + +"Gad! that wasn't cheerful news a little bit. If there's anything in +this world I more than don't like, it's a bear--he's so darn big and +strong and unreasonable, and unless you catch him sitting, you can pump +lead into him until you're black in the face, and it's all one to him. +Well, I thought I might as well camp with the herders until Aggy came +back. + +"When he did show up he was rather under the influence of strong drink, +and from the looks of the waggon he'd brought with him, I should say +he'd bought about everything that was movable in Salmon City. I ain't +easily astonished, but I must admit that some of the truck got the best +of me. I kept asking, 'What in ---- is this, Ag?' and he always +answered, 'Ask the driver.' Well, now, if there was any choice between +the two, the driver was drunker than Aggy, so you can imagine what a +lot of satisfaction I got. There was one thing that I simply couldn't +make head nor tail of, and I stayed with him until I got an answer on +that. + +"'Why, it's an alcohol cooking-stove,' said he, 'great medicine--no +trouble to cook now at all. Just light her,' says he, waving his hand, +'and whoop! away she goes! Where's that can of alcohol? Here she is! +Have a drink, Hy?' + +"I took a small swig of it in a little water to please him, but there +weren't stimmilants enough in the country to raise my spirits that +night. I put all the plunder that I could lift up in the cock-loft, +and the rest I left sitting around. + +"I don't exactly know where you fellers are going to sleep,' says I, +trying to be sourcastic. 'Pity you didn't order a folding-bed, Ag.' + +"'I did,' says he. + +"'A folding-bed?' I repeats, not believing my ears. + +"'And a piano,' says he. 'What is home without a piano? Answer: It's +a place that can't hold the forte--dam good joke--keno--go up to the +head, Jones.' + +"'Well,' says I, after some other things, 'who's going to pay for all +this?' + +"'God knows!' says he, waving his hand again. 'Good-night!' and with +that he fell down between a new bureau and a patent portable +blacksmith's forge, and putting his head on a concertina, went sound +asleep. + +"I couldn't follow suit for some time; it's one thing to come home full +of budge and animal spirits yourself, and it's quite different to have +your pardner work it on you. At last, however, I concluded it would be +all the same the next century, and turned in, but I was so rattled that +I forgot the bears, and didn't lock up with the usual care. + +"It must have been about two in the morning when I woke all in a +tremble. I had the feeling that things were away off, but I couldn't +place what was the matter, until I looked at the square of moonlight on +the floor that came through the window, and I was near to screech like +a tomcat, for there was a monstrous black shadow bobbing back and forth +in the patch of light. I drew on my bank for all the sand I had and +raised my eyes. My heart fairly knocked my ribs loose. Nicely framed +in the window was the head of a grizzly, and I'll take my oath it +wasn't over a size smaller than a beer-barrel! + +"'Now,' thinks I, 'if I can only get that gun before he sees me, and if +the cussed thing will only do the right thing by me this once!' + +"So out I steps, and the first rattle out of the box I stumbled on a +few dozen of the purchases Ag had brought home, and down them and me +came like an earthquake. It scart the bear so he drew back; no use +trying to work a sneak now. I jumped for the holster, unlimbered, and +turned the gun loose for general results. I guess every load went off, +from the noise, and she flew out of my hand and vanished behind me. +The place was full of smoke and the plunder that was scattered around; +you could neither see nor walk, and that bear was swatting the door in +a fashion that showed he was going to give us a call any old how, and I +was plumb distracted--for the life of me I didn't know what to do. + +"'Don't make such a damn noise!' growls Aggy. + +"'You'd better get out of that!' I yells. 'You'll get noise enough in +a minute!' But he didn't pay the least attention. + +"Just before the door went down I broke for the cock-loft; it was the +only spot that seemed to hold the teeniest bit of safety. I clim up +the wall like a hopper-grass, but I had no more than made it when my +friend was in the house. 'Twas me he wanted to see, too, apparently; +for he never noted anything else, but headed straight for the loft. I +had kind of hoped the other two would amuse him for a while, but it +wasn't to be. With the door down, the moonlight streamed in so it was +'most as light as day. + +"'Keep your big feet off me!' says Ag, very indignant, as the bear +walked on him. It's a great thing not to know who you're talking to +sometimes. + +"Well, brother bear upends himself, and reaches for the loft. He could +just nicely hook his front toe-nails on the board, and when I saw that, +I would have sold myself out hide and hair and good-will of the +business extremely reasonable. 'Here's where my esteemed friend +Hydraulic Smith gets piped out,' I thought, and I tried to meet my +finish like a man, but there was something about winding up as filler +for a dirty, smelly bear wrapper that took all the poetry out of the +situation. + +"I saw that Aggy had got on to the state of affairs at last; he was +crawling backward very cautious, and he had a look of pained surprise +on his face that beat anything I'd ever seen on the phiz of man or +beast before. For all I was so scart that I was sweating icicles, I +couldn't help but snicker. Howsomever, at that moment brother bear +threw his weight on the board, and she snapped like a toothpick, and my +merry smile took a walk. I was in a desperate fix! He had only to +keep on pulling down boards to the last one, and then, of course, I'd +come down with it. Something had to be done. I grabbed a sack of +flour and heaved it at him; the sack caught on a splinter and ripped, +so beyond covering him with powder it had no particular result. He +_did_ stop and taste the flour; he had lots of time! There wasn't any +good in that. But as I reached around for another weapon my hand +struck the can of alcohol, and right then I had a genuine three-X +inspiration. I pulled the plug from the can and poured the spirits +down. The bear howled murder as the stuff ran into his eyes, and +plunking himself on his hunkies, he began to paw and scrape it out. +There was my chance! I fumbled through all my pockets as fast as my +hand could travel--no matches! Then cussing and praying like a +steam-engine, I tried it again; found a handful in the first pocket; +dropped most of 'em, being so nervous, but scratched what was left and +chucked 'em on Mr. Bear. + +"Great Moses in the bulrushes! Events began on that instant. I've +seen a cyclone, and an earthquake, and a cloudburst, and an Injun +outbreak, and a Democratic convention, but roll 'em into one and that +bear would give 'em cards, spades, big and little casino, a stuffed +deck, and the tally-board too, and then beat 'em without looking at his +hand. + +"I simply can't begin to tell you all the different kinds of pure, +unadulterated hell he raised with the stock of curiosities Aggy had +bought in town. And the looks of him! White with flour half-way, +spouting flames and smoke, and apparently three times as big as he was +when he started! He was something before the people now, I tell you! +And the burning hair smelt scandalous, and the way he ripped and roared +made the ground tremble. + +"When he finally broke through the door, I was so interested that I +forgot to be afraid, and hopped down to watch him go, and then I saw +the last act of the tragedy. + +"Miguel heard the shot, and knowing we were in trouble, he started up +the trail on his old buckskin, fairly burning the earth. + +"He rounded a little clump of trees, and came plump on my bear, +roaring, foaming, blazing, smoking, ripping, and flying! Well, sir, +you can believe me or not, but I want to tell you that that cayuse of +Mee's jumped right out from under him, and was half-way up Wilkin's +Hill before the Mexican touched the ground. He was headed due west, +and he must have reached the coast the next day, the gait he was +travelling. Anyhow, he vanished from the sight of man forever, as far +as we know. + +"Mee sat froze just as he had landed, scart so there wasn't no more +expression on his face, and the bear hopped right over the top of his +head. Then I reckon Mee thought his family friend had come for him, +for he jumped ten foot in the air, and when he touched ground he was in +full motion. It's only fair to say that Miguel could run when he put +his mind to it. 'El Infierno esta suelto!' he yells. 'Santiago! +Santiago! Ten quidado conmigo! Madre mia! Salvame! Salvame pronto!' +Lord, I can see him now, scuttling over the fair face of the Territory +of Idaho in the bright moonlight like a little bird--chest out; hands +up; head back; black hair snapping in the breeze; long legs waving like +the spokes of a flywheel, and yelling for Santiago to keep an eye on +him, and for his mother to save him quick, as long as he was in sight. +And when he passed, he passed out. He took a different direction from +his horse, so it ain't likely they met, but neither one of 'em was seen +no more around our part of the country." + +[Illustration: Miguel could run when he put his mind to it.] + +"Still, by and by there floated back to us a story of how a greaser had +been chased by a horrible white devil that stood twenty foot high, with +teeth a foot long, horns, hoofs, claws, and a spiked tail; which +travelled at a rate of speed that made a streak of lightning seem like +a way-freight, scattering red fire and brimstone as it ran; which +chased said greaser forty mile over hill and dale and gulch and +mountain top and Bad-Land district, after polishing off his horse in +one bite, and finally sank into the ground with a report like a ton of +giant powder. + +"And I've often wondered what really become of that bear." + + + + +The Little Bear who Grew + +I was standing at the door of the office one afternoon in August. The +office was on Main Street,--a thoroughfare fronting railroad tracks and +a long strip of fenced grass, dotted with newly planted trees, called +the "park,"--in a North Dakota town. It was hot. I mean, hot. Down +that long thin street the shadows of false-fronted stores lay like blue +slag on molten iron. Nothing moved: this particular metropolis-to-be +of the Northwest was given over to heat and silence. Yet it wasn't +muggy, sea-coast heat that turns bone and muscle into jelly--it was a +passion of sun-power, light and heat together. + +Just to be on a horse out in it over the prairie swells was to taste +the flavour of adventure. But no such thing for me. I had to take +care of the office. A thermometer inside that office marked one +hundred and fourteen degrees. Had it been inside of me it would have +marked three hundred and fourteen degrees. + +I shall not tell the series of injustices that obliged me to stay in +that hencoop, while the rest of the force went gleefully up the line to +attend a ball game. I didn't count for much, while the decision in +regard to the one who stayed rested in the hands of Fate. It was the +manager's own pack of cards I cut. I can recall the look of +sophisticated astonishment those rascals wore at my persistent bad +luck. I found out afterwards that every mother's son of them had +bought his ticket the day before. They had faith in that pack of +cards. Most of the town had gone with them; this accounted for the +deserted village effect. Several days before this I sat up all night +reading H. Rider Haggard's "She." The desire to figure in remarkable +events had not yet worn off, but a more unlikely theatre of adventure +than that Main Street could not be conceived. I looked up and down the +length of it. Hark! What sound is that? 'T is the rattle of wheels, +and the "plunkety-plunk" of a farm-horse's trot. Around the corner +comes an ancient Studebaker waggon drawn by an old horse, and in it two +small boys are seated on a bushel basket--hardly a crisis. I fell to +envying the small boys, for all that. They could go and come as they +pleased; they were their own masters, free to do as they liked in the +world. + +As if to show that this was, indeed, the fact, in the broadest meaning +of the words, the two urchins suddenly leaped high in the air, uttering +shrieks; they landed on the ground and scuttled across the park as fast +as legs could carry them. Absolutely no reason for this performance +appeared to the eye. The horse stopped, turning his mild gaze after +them, then swung his head until he saw me, at whom he gazed with that +expression of complete bewilderment always so comical in an equine +face. "Account for that, if you can," he said, as plainly as the +printed words could do it. Finding no solution in me, he shook his +head and blew his nose. He was a kind old horse, always willing to +oblige, but to plan an independent campaign was beyond him, so he stood +just where he was, probably saying, "Great is Allah!" to himself in the +Houyhnhnm tongue, waiting for what was going to happen to get about it. +The plot increased in thickness, for the bushel basket began a +mysterious journey toward the back of the waggon, impelled by an unseen +power. It was a curious thing to see in broad daylight. I felt quite +a prickle down my spine as I watched it. Arriving at the end, over it +went, disclosing the secret. From out of that basket came a small +bear. I swallowed an ejaculation and looked at him. He, entirely +unabashed, returned my gaze--a funny little ruffian! On the end of his +spinal column he teetered, all four feet in the air, the cock of his +head irresistibly suggesting the tilt of a gamin's cap. His tongue +hung waggishly out of his mouth, and a sort of loose, dissipated, +tough, cynical humour pervaded his person, from the squint of his +little eyes to the absurd post of his hind legs. There was less of the +immature bear about him than of the miniature bear. I suppose a young +wild animal is like a street Arab, in that he receives his worldly +knowledge with his milk. + +He had on a collar and chain, whereby I recognised he was someone's +property. To clear this part of history, the two small boys had been +hired to take him to Mr. D----'s menagerie, when, after a struggle, he +had been ensconced beneath the bushel basket. They were not the happy +youths I had taken them for, these boys,--how often we envy the lot of +others unwisely!--for they were obliged to sit on the basket in order +to retain their captive, dreading all the time what a moment's +carelessness brought to pass, an attack from beneath. When one +incautious foot ventured too near the basket, Mr. Bear promptly clawed +and chewed it; hence the shrieks, and the flight. + +Well, not wishing this piece of live stock to escape, I walked toward +him, affecting the unconcern necessary in approaching an animal. He +did not retreat; he swayed on his spine and regarded me jeeringly. I +grabbed the chain and pulled. Instantly, he nailed me by the leg. He +had nothing but milk teeth, or I should have been much the worse for +the encounter. As it was, he pinched like a vise with his strong +little jaws, and I had all I wanted to pry him loose. I tried to hold +him at arm's length, but he turned inside of his baggy overcoat and bit +and clawed until I gave that up. I then whirled him at the end of the +chain. He flew through the air with spread legs until the chain +snapped, when he landed many yards away. He was up and off as soon as +he stopped rolling, and I after him. The boy who was running the +clothing store several vacant lots from the office came to his door at +that moment, and, feeling that a bear hunt was more to his taste than +twiddling his thumbs in an empty store, he came along, too, and the +flour office and the clothing store were left in the hands of +Providence--fortunately there were no thieves in old-time Dakota. + +In front was young Mr. Bear, boring a hole in the wind, and behind him +two boys, coming strong, but not in his class for speed. Our quarry +gained one block in three. We just rounded a barn in time to see him +jump into a wood shed behind a real estate office. + +I knew a cat with kittens lived in that wood shed, and strained myself +to reach there before the fun was over. However, there was ample time. +The code of the animal duel is as formal and long-winded as anything +the mind of man has devised. Probably everyone has seen two young +cockerels, standing with their bills together, apparently lost in a +Buddhistic reverie, suddenly broken by violence. They are only an +illustration. All animals have their ceremonial of battle, when it is +for the fun of fighting, pure and simple, with the dinner question +eliminated. + +The weird war song of Mrs. Cat, pealing out from the cracks of the wood +shed, assured us we would be repaid for our trouble, but the tone +indicated that the fell moment had not arrived. We peered through a +chink. The cat was in a corner, her family around her. Her eyes +roamed all over the wood shed, merely taking the bear in _en passant_. +She seemed unconscious of the awful noise which ripped the air. + +The bear, for his part, was unaware of the proximity of a yowling cat. +He never so much as glanced in her direction, having found a very +diverting chunk of coal, which he batted about the floor. A singular +thing was that, when the coal moved it always moved nearer the cat. + +The cat prepared for trouble, after the manner of her kind, and the +bear prepared to cause it, after the manner of his kind. Occasionally, +when a blood-curdling screech from his antagonist rang upon his +eardrums, the cub would stop a moment and gaze pensively through and +beyond the end of the wood shed, as if, indeed, from far off, a certain +sound, made filmy and infinitesimal by distance, had reached him. Then +he would smile deprecatingly to himself, as if to say, "How easily I am +deceived!" + +Excellent as was the feigned indifference of Mr. Bear, it must be borne +in mind that he was opposed to an animal of parts. Our friend, the +cat, was not a whit taken in by the comedy. When the time came for her +to leap she was ready, to the last hair of her chimney-cleaner tail. +She had been making most elaborate preparations all the while, +stretching and retracting her claws, squirming her whalebone body +flatter and flatter, her tail assuming majestic proportions, while her +ears disappeared in inverse ratio. + +Nearer and nearer came the chunk of coal and the slouching little bear, +a touch of caution in each pretended careless action. Awful and more +awful grew Grimalkin's battle plaint--her eyes blazed demoniacally. + +By some subtle assurance, we humans were made aware that, on the floor +of the wood shed, an imaginary deadline had been drawn by Mrs. Cat, +and, when Ursus Minor advanced so much as the length of a claw beyond +that in his orbit, an incident would mark his career. You may believe +me or not, but the little bear understood not only this much, but he +also knew where that line lay. Fully a minute he tantalised us by +coquetting with it. He would advance recklessly, and we would say to +ourselves, "Now!" when, lo! he would turn at the fatal point, to lie on +his side and amuse himself by clawing at the chunk of coal. + +Suddenly he boldly stepped across. An instant of numbing silence fell. +A swish! A cat on a small bear's back. A scene impossible! A hairy +tornado, rolling, twisting, flopping, yelling, screeching, roaring, and +howling, tore, bit, scratched, clawed, and walloped all over the place. +An epileptic nebula; a maelstrom that revolved in every way known to +man at the same instant; a prodigy of tooth and claw. If that fight +were magnified a hundred times, a glimpse of it would kill; as it was, +myself and the clothing store boy clung weakly to the wall and wept. + +The cat's tough hide easily turned the bear's claws, and his teeth were +too tiny to work mischief; while his thick, shaggy coat made pussy's +keener weapons ineffectual. As a consequence, the storm raged with +unbridled ferocity, the motion of the foemen being so swift none could +tell who was getting the better of it. There was energy in that small +action and a bitterness of sound altogether indescribable, the mews of +the astounded kittens quavering shrilly and loudly through the general +frenzy. + +At length, in spite of his antagonist's agility, the bear managed to +get his "holt," and puss, wrapped in his strong arms, was practically +whipped; not without protest--she was a "last-ditch" warrior. The bear +settled back as grim and stolid as General Grant might have done, while +the chivalry of the wood shed applied her hind claws to his waistcoat. +However, the bear could do a little in this line himself. The effect +was that each tried unsuccessfully to walk up the other. + +The "strangle hold" began to tell. Never shall I forget the +desperation in that cat's face as it appeared between the squeezing +arms of the bear. Their attitude had such a resemblance to the +"Huguenot Lovers" I have not been able since to look at that celebrated +picture with proper countenance. + +At this point, my companion and I came to the rescue. Finding all +attempts at separating them by hand resulted in the usual wages of the +peacemaker, we grabbed the chain and hauled the war to the pump. The +pump was only a short distance way, yet it took us several minutes to +make the trip, as every time we turned and gazed at them, their rigid +adherence to their relative positions, no matter what condition as a +whole this mode of locomotion caused them to assume, and the leering, +bourgeois complacency of the victorious bear, contrasting with the +patrician despair of the vanquished, caused such a weakness to come +over us that we had to sit upon the ground for a while. + +Water is the universal solvent. About half a minute under the pump +formed the solution of this problem. A wet and skinny-looking cat, her +elegance departed, streaked back to the wood shed and her offspring, +while a sober and bedraggled little bear trotted behind his captors to +Mr. D----'s menagerie. + +This was my introduction to this bear. We called him "Cat-thumper," +after the Indian fashion of christening a child from some marked +exploit or incident in his career. This became contracted to +"Thumper," an appropriate title, for, with the fat pickings of the +restaurant, his bearship grew with a rapidity that made it a puzzle how +his hide contained him. + +Under these genial conditions Thumper developed humour. It became +possible for one to romp with him, and in the play he was careful not +to use his strength. So exemplary became his conduct that his owner, a +man who never could learn from experience, or even from Billy Buck, +decided to take him on Main Street. Mr. D----'s novelties were a +standing menace to the security of the town and his own person as well. +The amount of vanity that fat little man possessed would have supplied +a theatrical company. One of his first acts, on entering a town, was +to purchase the fiercest white hat, and the most aboriginal buck-skin +suit to be obtained, and then don them. Almost the next act on the +part of his fellow-townsmen was to hire a large and ferocious looking +"cow-puncher" to recognise in Mr. D---- an ancient enemy, and make a +vicious attack upon him with blank cartridges and much pomp and +circumstance. Still it had no permanent effect on Mr. D----. Badinage +could not wither him nor cussing stale his infinite variety. With all +his exasperating traits, he had an impassable child-like faith in his +doings and a soothing influence that made one smile when one wanted to +cry. + +The passage up street was made with no happening worthy of note except, +of course, that other travellers gave him a wide berth (to Mr. D----'s +extreme gratification) until they came to the butcher shop. Here +Thumper's first move was to steal a fine tenderloin from the block, and +swallow it whole. + +"Ye're!" yelled the proprietor, an ex-Indian scout, "whatcher doin' +there? Take that critter out of here!" + +"I'm willing to pay for the meat," replied Mr. D----, with dignity. + +"That's all right, too," retorted the proprietor, "but I promised it to +Mr. Smith, and it's the only one I've got. How are you going to square +that? What do you mean by toting a brute like that around, anyhow?" he +wound up with increasing choler. + +"I cannot see but what I have a perfect right to take with me any +animal or animals I choose!" said Mr. D----. + +"Not into this shop, by Jingo!" said the proprietor, reaching under the +counter. "Now you sneak him out of here, quick, or I'll shoot him." + +"Very well," said Mr. D----, bowing, but red, "very well. Come, +Thumper!" + +Thumper was in no mind to move. He liked the situation. Mr. D---- +pulled on the chain, and Thumper overlooked it. A small crowd gathered +in front of the door and encouraged Mr. D---- by calling, "Pull hard, +the man says!" "Now, altogether, yee-hoooo!" and similar remarks. I +have always felt that a bear enjoys a joke. In this case I am sure of +it. Showing no bad temper, he simply refused to budge, and, by this +time, when he had made up his mind, the decision was final, as far as +any one man was concerned. Mr. D----'s temper went by the board; it +was an embarrassing situation. "Come out of that!" he cried, with a +sharp jerk at the chain. + +The look of irritation vanished from the proprietor's face. "Why don't +some of you fellers help the gentleman out with his bear?" he asked. +Thereupon the spectators took a hand and Thumper was dragged into the +street. Evidently he thought this one of the usual frolics to which we +boys had accustomed him; for, once upon the sidewalk, he began to +prance and gambol in the graceful fashion of his kind. It so happened +that the nurse-girl of the mayor of the town, a huge Swede woman as +broad as she was long (which is almost hyperbole), came trundling her +charge up the board walk at the precise moment that Thumper bowled over +a gentleman in front and came plainly to her view. + +One Norwegian war-whoop and away she galloped, the perambulator before +her, as it was not in the mind of the Vikingess to desert her duty. +Screeching, she tore up the walk, the carriage bouncing and rattling, +and the baby crowing with delight. An Indian stepped out of a store +directly in front of her. Him Telka rammed with such fury that he +landed on his neck in the road, with his feet in the air. But, as he +regained his balance, resentment was drowned in unbounded amazement. +"Wakstashoneee!" he said, "wakstashoneeeee!" which is the limit in the +Sioux tongue. Never had the Dakota warrior expected to see the day +when he would be made to bite the earth by a Swede woman and a baby +carriage. Around the corner for home whirled Telka, making the turn +like a circus horse. Arriving at the house, she placed one fairy foot +against the door with such spirit that the lock-socket hit the opposite +wall, picked up carriage and baby and went upstairs with them three +rises to a leap. At the top she burst into a wild oratory of "tanks" +and "Eenyens" and "beejjeerens" and "yoomps," scaring her mistress into +the belief that the Sioux had attacked the town in force--an event she +had long anticipated. + +Thumper was led back to his pole in the park, and fastened with an +ox-chain, this step being taken at the request of an informal committee +of citizens. "Chained bear or dead bear" was their ultimatum, for, +while they enjoyed Telka's performance, they didn't propose to make it +a custom to obtain their fun from frightened women. So Thumper's +freedom of the city lasted but a day. To make amends for this, we boys +used to go in and tussle with him more often than before. The play was +the bright spot in the life of the captive. He would begin his double +shuffle of joy whenever a group of boys made their appearance. At +first, this went well enough. As I have said, the bear's nature +revealed its better side, under the benign influence of plenty to eat, +and I cannot remember that he once took advantage of his vast and +growing strength. Mr. D---- encouraged the performances, as the +menagerie's purpose was to attract the attention of travellers who had +a half-hour's wait at the station, and thus to spread the fame of his +railroad eating-house. But misfortune came, through the applause of +the passengers. Several young men of the town embraced the opportunity +to show off. One of these, a brawny young six-foot Irishman named Jim, +used to punch old Thumper pretty roughly, when he had a large audience. +Jim was neither a bad-hearted nor cruel fellow; he simply had a body +too large for his disposition. In the phrase of the West, he was +"staggering with strength," and in Thumper he found a chance to work +off his superfluous nervous energy--also to occupy the centre of our +local stage for the brief time of train-stop. If it is love that makes +the world go round, certainly vanity first put it into motion. "All is +vanity," said the Preacher. From the devoted astronomer's austere +lifework to the twinkle of a fairy's glittering tinsel; from the +glories of the first man up the battle-swept hill to the infamous +assassin, all is vanity. Such a universal attribute must necessarily +be good, except in abnormal growth. Jim showed his overdevelopment of +the faculty, while the abused Thumper modestly sat still and grew. And +still he grew, and still he grew--with a quiet energy that made the +fact that he had passed from a large bear to a very large bear go by +unnoticed. + +Several times, when Jim was showing more skill than Thumper, the memory +of a mauled cat came to my mind. The ursine look shot at Jim now and +then recalled it. I even went to the length of remonstrating, but it +was without effect. It was on a Sunday morning that Nemesis attended +to Jim's case. Circumstances were propitious. An excursion train, +crowded with passengers, pulled up at the station. Jim had a new suit +of black broadcloth, due to a temporary aberration of our local Solomon +who ran the clothing store. Because of this victory, Jim was in an +extraordinarily expansive mood as he swaggered down the platform. + +"I guess I'll try a fall out of the bear," he announced to his +companions, in a tone that informed all of his intention. Gaily he +swung his long legs over the fence and advanced upon Thumper, who, by a +strange coincidence, was poised on the end of his spine, with his feet +in the air and his tongue lolling humorously out of his mouth, as when +I first made his acquaintance. The bear noted the approach from the +corner of his eye, stretched out his paws, examined them critically, +seemed satisfied with the inspection, shook himself thoroughly, and +resigned affairs to Fate. + +Jim, stimulated by the remarks of the passengers and their eager +interest in his doings, marched up to Thumper, struck a sparring +attitude, and shuffled around, making sundry little passes and jabs +which the bear ignored. + +"Punch him!" cried a voice in the crowd. Jim lunged; the bear ducked, +lazily, but effectually, and the crowd laughed. Jim drove right and +left at his antagonist; the bear parried, ducked, and got away, until +the crowd shrieked with merriment and the Irishman was furious. He +lived to punch that bear, and, at length, he succeeded--square on the +end of Thumper's snout. The bear sneezed, dropped his head, and stared +fixedly at Jim. + +"Run!" I yelled--alack! too late. Up rose Thumper to a paralysing +height, higher still went his trusty paw, and down it came, with a +swinging, sidewise blow on the Irishman's neck. + +I will maintain, by oath, affirmation, or combat, that Mr. Jim made six +complete revolutions, like a button on a barn door, before he struck +mother earth with the dullest of thuds. + +Ten to one that the town was out one Irishman would have seemed a good +business proposition, and, to clinch the assurance, the bear began to +walk on Jim. While the bear kneaded him like a batch of dough, some of +us woke and rushed to the scene of action. + +I do not remember clearly how we got out of it. Some pulled at the +bear's chain, and some grabbed Jim by whatever offered a hold. At +length James was rescued, alive and weeping, though three-quarters of +the new suit, including the most useful portion of the nether garments, +remained in Bruin's paws as the spoils of victory. The crowd on the +platform was charmed. This was precisely the thing it had travelled +miles to see. + +Poor Jim! He was a spectacle. Tears, scratches, and dust robbed his +face of all humanity; the scant remnants of the Sunday suit fluttered +in the breeze; his shaking knees barely supported him. We gave him a +stimulant, a blanket, and some good advice. Mr. D----, for once in his +life on the right side of the question, was especially forward in +furnishing the last necessity. So passed Jim from the field of his +glories, and, barring some scratches, bruises, and a stiff neck (not to +mention the Sunday suit, as that loss really fell upon Solomon), he was +as well as ever inside of a few days. The only lasting result of the +encounter for him was that, when the small boy of the town thirsted for +excitement, there would arise a cry of "Hey, Jim! bin down ter pet cher +bear?" and then . . . + +When the train departed, and the crowd had disappeared, I went down and +looked at Thumper. He seemed unchanged. I offered him a cracker; he +stretched out the back of his paw, having learned that people shrank +from the sight of his five-inch claws, in acceptance. This gobbled, he +eyed me, as he leaned back against his pole, like an absurd fat man. +Humour shone on the outside of him, but I fancied that, deep in his +eyes, I could see a dull red glow, Indian style. "Now," said I to +myself, "from the pangs of Jim I shall extract a moral lesson. +Whenever I feel like showing off at somebody's expense, let me use +caution not to select a grizzly bear." + +What Thumper thought no man can tell. + + + + +In the Absence of Rules + +We had a pig when we was down on the little Chantay Seeche. The Doctor +begged him off a rancher, to eat up the scraps around camp. A neat +person was the Doctor and a durned good cook. + +We called him the Doctor because he wore specs--that's as good a claim +as many has to the title. His idee was that when the pig got fat he +would sell him for lots of money, but long before Foxey Bill (which was +piggy) had reached the market stage money couldn't buy him. He was a +great pig. My notion of hogs, previous to my acquaintance with him, +was that they were dirty, stupid critters, without any respectable +feelings. Perhaps it's because animals get man-like, when you +associate with 'em a great deal, or perhaps Foxey Bill was an unusual +proposition; but, anyhow, he was the funniest, smartest brute I ever +see, and we thought a slew of him. + +Clean was no name for his personal appearance. Every Sunday the Doctor +took a scrub-brush and piggy down to the creek and combined 'em with +the kind assistance of a cake of soap. Then Foxey just shone white as +ivory, and he'd trot around in front of us, gruntin' to attract our +attention, till everybody'd said, "What a beautiful, clean pig--ain't +he just right?" Then he'd grunt his thanks to the company and retire +behind the shack for a nap. We used to fair kill ourselves laughing at +that darned pig. He had the most wheedlin' squeal, so soft and +pleadin'; and he'd look up at you with them skim-milk eyes of his so +pitiful, when he wanted a chunk of sugar, that you couldn't refuse him. + +[Illustration: "Clean was no name for his personal appearance."] + +And knowing! Honest, he knew more'n some men. One day old Wind River +was tellin' some things (that _might_ have happened to him) in his +usual way, bein' most careful to get the dates and all dead right, you +know--"Now, _was_ his name Peter, after all? Comes to my mind it was +Willyam--Willyam Perkins--Well--But, anyhow, him and me, we saw that +Injun," and so forth. This was a Sunday, and the gang of us sittin' in +a circle, fixing leathers and one thing and another and misstatin' +history faster than a horse could trot, with Foxey Bill in the middle, +cocking his head from one speaker to another, takin' it all in. + +At last Wind River wound up the most startlin' and unlikely collections +of facts he'd favoured us with for some time. Up gets Foxey with a +shriek and gallops around the house. Any man with the rudiments of +intelligence would know he was hollerin': "Well, that's just too much +for me; ta-ra-rum!" + +[Illustration: "Up gets Foxy with a shriek and gallops around the +house"] + +Wind River looked scart. "Say!" says he. "Say! Thet hawg knows I'm +er-lyin' jes' 's well 's I do!" After that old Windy used to talk to +the pig as though they'd been raised together. + +[Illustration: "Old Windy used to talk to the pig as though they'd been +raised together"] + +Foxey Bill made one miscalculation. He thought he was a small pet, +like a cat. This didn't jibe with the five hundred pounds of meat he +toted. And, like a cat, one of his principal amusements was to have +his back scratched. If you didn't pay attention to him, when he +squealed so pretty for you to please curry him with a board, he'd hump +up his back, like a cat, and rub against your legs. You instantly +landed on your scalp-lock and waved the aforesaid legs in the air. Of +course, when the other fellers saw this comin', they didn't feel it +restin' on their conscience to call your attention to it--in fact, we +sometimes busied one another talkin' to give Foxey a fair field. So +Foxey had things his own way around the diggin's for some time. + +[Illustration: "He'd hump up his back . . . and rub against your legs"] + +Then comes bow-legged Hastings, our boss, with a ram tied hard and fast +in the bottom of the waggon. He explains to us that the ram is +valuable, but that he's butted merry Halifax out of everything down to +home, and he don't want to shut him up, so will we please take care of +him? And we said No--Wanitchee heap--we guessed not--never. + +Then Hastings got mad and talked to us, flyin' his hands. Such a +disobligin', stubborn, sour outfit he never saw, he said. What was the +use of his bein' boss, when we just laid awake nights thinkin' up +disagreeable things to do to him? Was there ever a time that he'd +asked us to do this or that, that every man in reach didn't r'ar up and +jump down his throat? He said he'd rather be a nigger rooster on a +condemned government steamboat than bear the title of boss of such a +rag-chewin' hide-bound set of mules; kick, kick, kick--nothin' but +kick, and life wasn't worth livin'. + +So then he went behind the shack and pouted. Well, we liked Hastings, +and this made us feel bad--that's the way he worked us. + +The Doctor, he fried up a dish of all-sorts in his happiest manner and +took it around in a cheerful voice. No. Didn't want food. Heart was +broke. So then we all went and apologised and agreed to keep the ram. +Then Hastings recovered, and we had that cussed sheep on our hands and +feet and all over us. + +[Illustration: "No. Didn't want food. Heart was broke."] + +Well, it was like the devil enterin' a happy home. As for Foxey, he +just took one long look at the brute, curlin' and uncurlin' his little +tail; then "Hungh!" says he, and blinked his eyes shut, walkin' away +from there. I've seen times when I'd liked to been able to use the +English of that grunt, to thoroughly acquaint some gentleman of how +little I thought of him, but I ain't got the gift of speech. It was an +awful call-down--but the sheep, he didn't care. If there was such a +thing as a foolish Sheeny, that's what a sheep would remind me of. + +[Illustration: "'Hungh!' says he, and blinked his eyes shut"] + +But the rest of us run into practical and applied trouble in its +various branches. There's one night, the Doctor starts for the cabin +with a mess of flap-jacks in his hands, and the sheep comes up and +pushes him in the pistol pocket so that the Doctor goes sailing into +the drink with a stack of brown checks hoverin' all around him. + +[Illustration: "The Doctor goes sailing into the drink"] + +Then Wind River shows his one tooth and rocks on his heels, hollerin' +and laughin', and the sheep rises up and smites him on the hip and +thigh so he flew after the Doctor like a grey-whiskered sky-rocket, +with a ha-ha! cut in two in the middle. "Woosh!" says old Windy as he +comes up. "Hi, there cooky! I'll beat you ashore!" He was a +handy-witted old Orahanna, that Windy, and you didn't put the kybosh on +him easy. So it went with all of us. That ram come out of +no-where-at-all another night and patted me on the stummick so I pretty +near fainted. I tried to twist his cussed head off his shoulders, but +he'd knocked the wind out of me so it was like fightin' an army in a +nightmare. I was glad when the boys come out and pried me loose. Oh, +oh! How we hated that woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep! + +[Illustration: "A ha ha! cut in two in the middle"] + +"Well," says Windy, "I'm layin' fur th' day he snaggles himself up with +Foxey Bill. You're goin' to see a nice quiet sheep after that happens." + +[Illustration: "That woolly, blaatin' fool of a sheep"] + +The rest of us had lots of faith in Billy, but we couldn't see where he +stood a show to win. + +"Shucks!" says Steve. "The sheep'll knock the bacon out of him. The +Lord knows I don't want to see it, but that's what's got to happen. +Poor Bill ain't onto his style of fightin' at all. You know how pigs +make war--standin' side by side, tryin' to hook each other in the +flank, gruntin' and circlin' around with little quick steps--how's that +goin' to apply to this son-of-a-gun that hits you a welt like a +domestic cannon and then chases himself off to the sky-line for another +try?" + +[Illustration: "Chases himself off to the sky-line for another try"] + +"Well," cuts in the Doctor. "I ain't a-sayin' _how_--but Bill _does_ +him, all the same--bet your life." + +"You talk feeble minded," says Steve. "Nobody'd more like to believe +you than me, but the points ain't on the cards. It'll be just like +that Braddock's campaign agin the Injuns. There goes the Britishers +(that's Bill) amblin' gaily through the woods, dressed up in red and +marchin' arm to arm, for fear some careless Injun would miss 'em, and +there's the Injuns (that's that durned ram) off in the woods jumpin' up +and down with pleasure and surprise. 'Oh, Jimmy!' hollers the Injun to +his little boy. 'Run get grandpa, Towser, mama, and the +baby--everybody's goin' to pick one of these and take it home--no Injun +so poor but what he's entitled to at least one Englishman.'" + +"That's all right," says Windy. "But where's your Injun now?" + +"Well," says Steve, flabbergasted, "that's kind of true, too; he has +vanished some." + +"I bet you money," says the Doctor, "that Bill does him." + +"I hate to rob the poor in mind," says Steve. "And yet I'd like to +lose that bet--make it a month's wages?" + +"I'm for standin' by my friend," says the Doctor. "I'll bet you up to +the first of January." + +"Got you," says Steve. "You know where you can borrow chewin', anyhow. +Any other gentleman want part of this?" + +Steve had money he'd drew out of his poker game up-town, so the rest of +us stood not to live high until after January first, if Foxey Bill +didn't lick that sheep. We didn't believe he would, but he carried our +money. + +Well, sir, it was a tough time waitin' for the combat to come off. +Bill simply despised the sheep. Couldn't stand near to him. The only +time he'd stay by the house was when the sheep was off somewheres. +And, of course, it was strictly against the rules for any person to +aid, abet, or help either warrior, or interfere in any way, shape, or +manner. + +I was two mile out from camp one day, when I heard "Ke-bang, ke-bang, +ke-bang-ety, bang-bang-bang-bang!" The Doctor was losin' off all the +guns in the shack to once. I hollered to Steve, him to Windy, and then +we flew for home, leavin' the calves to their own responsibilities for +a while. + +The other boys was on hand when we arrived, their faces shinin' with +excitement, and yellin' to us for the love of Moses to shake a leg +before it was too late. + +Poor Billy was pickin' himself up, after rollin' over three times, and +the durned ram was prancin' away, wigglin' his tail like little boys +does their fingers, with a thumb to the nose. + +[Illustration: "The durned ram was prancin' away"] + +The Doctor explained to us, whilst we was waitin' for the next jar. +"There's Bill," says he, "eatin' his meal out of his half-a-barrel as +quiet and decent a citizen as you'll find anywheres. That's his grub +and he don't like grass. Well, what must that quar'lsome hunk of horns +and mutton do, but try to shove him away from there. Mind you, that +ram does like grass, and he's got several hundred thousand square mile +of it to lunch on--but no, sir! What he must have is a hunk of bread +out of Billy's barrel. Now, Billy's no hog--he lets him have the piece +of bread--then the ram wants the hull barrel; hoops, staves, and all. +That's too hootin' goldarn many for anybody to stand, by ninety-nine +per cent., so Bill slams him one. The ram walks off and fetches him a +swat like hittin' a side of beef with a fourteen-foot board. Poor old +Bill rolls three yards. Then he takes after the brute, but the ram +runs away as usual. Billy thinks the fight is over and goes on with +his eatin'. You're just in time to see the end of the second round. +Bill's _goin'_ to lick him, but cuss me if I see _how_. He can't get +_at_ that blaatin', skippin' mess of wickedness. He don't understand +at all. If the sheep would give him one fair hack, he'd show +him--Look! Oh, Lordy! There he goes again! _Damn_ that sheep!" + +It was an awful sight for Billy's friends to witness. I'll never tell +you how many times he went rollin' down the hill, only to come back as +game and useless as a rooster fightin' his reflection in a lookin' +glass. He'd chase after the sheep, gruntin' fierce, but pshaw! the +critter'd simply trot right away from him, wigglin' that insultin' tail +in his face. Old Billy's tail was coiled as tight as a watch-spring +with rage. + +"He'll _do_ him," says the Doctor. "He sure _will_! Now you wait!" + +"I am waitin'," says Steve, at the end of the twentieth round. +"Waitin' and waitin'. The only play that I see Billy makin' is for the +sheep to break his neck buntin' him. You hand me that rifle. I'll now +bet the crowd there's a dead sheep here in five seconds by the watch. +I can't stand this." + +But we wouldn't let him cut in. Fair play is fair play. + +"Boys," says Wind River soft, "Bill has laid his ropes--I see it in his +eye!" + +"G'wan!" says Steve. "You see it in your own eye!" + +"Well, you watch," says Windy. "Bill and me has been pretty well +acquainted ever since that day he called me a liar--look at him now!" + +Sure enough. Bill was nosin' his barrel away from the house. I +couldn't see the point exactly, but took it on faith. + +He was knocked galley-west and crooked three times before he moved the +thing a rod, but whatever he had in his mind, he calmly went on with it +as soon as he got up. + +[Illustration: "He was knocked galley-west"] + +"Oh, thunder!" says the Doctor. "See him now! Billy, you're an old +fool! You'll get butted plumb into the crik, next pass!" For Bill had +pushed the barrel to within five foot of the edge of the creek. And +when he heard the Doctor talk, I'll take my oath, that pig looked up +and smiled. + +[Illustration: "That pig looked up and smiled"] + +"He's got him now!" says Wind River. "He's got him now, for all my +next year's salary! I see it in his face!" + +And Windy was so dead sure he impressed the rest of us. So there's +silence, whilst old Foxey Bill is chewin' away in the barrel, and the +ram is comin' over the grass--t-r-rmt, t-r-rrmt--as hard as he can +paste her, head down and eyes shut. Bill, he doesn't see anything +either, until there ain't more'n three foot of air between 'em, and +then he jumps aside! + +"Swoosh!" goes the ram into the water, and Billy straightens out his +little curly tail and waves it in the air like a flag. And holler! I +wisht you could have heard that pig! Nothing could been more human. +"I've got the deady-deady on you, you hook-nosed, slab-sided, second +cousin of a government mule!" says he. "Oh! I've got you where I want +you and the way I want you, and it's up to you to convert yourself into +cash at the earliest opportunity, for you won't be worth much in the +market when I'm tired of my fun!" This he says as he gallops to the +other side, to head the sheep off, his mild blue eye on fire. I tell +you it's dangerous to rouse up a fat person with a mild blue eye. + +[Illustration: "And holler! I wisht you could have heard that pig"] + +A sheep don't swim much better than a mowin' machine, and this feller +got desperate--he was for the shore, no matter what broke. And Bill +ripped the wool out of him for fair as he tried to scramble up. + +"Our fight, Steve!" says the Doctor. "I _knew_ he'd do him all the +time! You throw up the sponge and we'll yank the critter out!" + +"Let him drown," says Steve. "I don't like him, hide nor hair--and, +besides, think what he's cost me." + +But that wouldn't do. Hastings would have looked so mournful, +happiness couldn't get along in the same territory with him. So out +comes Mr. Ram. Done. Everlastingly done. All in and the cover +screwed down. We pointed our fingers at him and did a war-dance around +him, sayin': "Agh--hagh! You will, will you? Now, don't you wish +you'd been good!" He hadn't a word to say. And that good old Billy, +he comes up and rubs Wind River's legs out from under him just as +natural as ever, not set up or swell-headed a bit, like the gentleman +he was. + +[Illustration: "Done. Everlastingly done"] + +The ram eat his grass and minded his own business from that time on. + + + + +For Sale, the Golden Queen + +This is the story of the great Golden Queen deal, as Hy Smith told it, +after recovering his sanity: + +Aggy and me were snug up against it. One undeserved misfortune after +another had come along and swatted us, till it looked as though we'd +have to work for a living. But we plugged along at the Golden Queen, +taking out about thirty cents a day--coarse, gold, fortunately--and at +last we had 'bout an ounce and a half. Then says Aggy: + +"We could sell this mine, Hy, if we only put our profits in the right +place." + +"Yes," says I. "This is a likely outfit around here to stick a +gravel-bank on, ain't it? Good old Alder Gulch people, and folks from +down Arizony way, and the like of that! Suppose you tried it on Uncle +Peters, for instance--d'ye know what he'd say? Well, this 'ud be about +the size of it: 'Unh, unh! Oh, man! Oh, dear me! That ain't no way +to salt a mine, Ag! No, no! You'd oughter done this, and that--that's +the way we used to do in Californy--nice weather, ain't it? No, +thanks--I don't care to buy no placer mines--lots of country left yet +for the taking up of it--it's a mighty good mine, I admit--you'd better +keep it.' That's what he'd say." + +Ag combed his whiskers with his fingers. "I don't think we could close +out to Uncle Peters," says he. + +"And if you tried some of the rest of 'em, they'd walk on your frame +for insulting their intelligence. Perhaps you was thinking of inviting +Pioche Bill Williams up to take a look at the ground?" + +"Well, no," says Aggy, slowly. "I don't think I'd care to irritate +Bill--he's mighty careless with firearms." + +"I should remark. I ain't a cautious man myself in some ways, and I've +met a stack of fellers that was real liberal in their idees, but for a +man that takes no kind of interest in what comes afterward, give me +Pioche Bill. Oh, no, Aggy, we don't sell any placer mines in these +parts." + +"I tell you what," says Ag. "Let's go up to town. Stands to reason +there must be a mut or two up there--somebody just dying to go out and +haul wealth out of the soil." + +"We're a good advertisement for the business. We look horrible +prosperous, don't we?" says I. + +The main deck of Ag's pants was made of a flour sack. I had a pretty +decent pair, but my coat was one-half horse blanket and the other half +odds and ends. Ag had a long-tailed coat he used to wear when he was +doing civil engineering jobs. + +"We could fix one man out fairly well," says he. + +"Yes; and the other would look like the losing side of a scarecrow +revolution." + +"Wait a minute," says he, "I'm thinking." So he sat and twisted his +whiskers and whistled through his teeth. + +"I've got it!" says he. "The whole business right down to the dot! +Darned if it ain't the best scheme I ever lit on! Here's what happened +to us: We're two honest prospectors that have been gophering around +this country for years, never touching a colour, grub running low, +and--well, there ain't any use bothering with that part now. I can +think it up when the time comes. Here's the cream of the plant. We've +had such a darn hard time of it that when at last, under the +extraordinary circumstances which I have recounted before, we light on +the almost undiluted gold of the Golden Queen, your mind is so weakened +that you can't stand the strain of prosperity. You're haunted with +delusions that you're still a poor man, and I can't keep any decent +clothes on you--fast as I buy 'em you tear 'em up. Now I'm willing to +sell the Golden Queen for the merely nominal sum of--what shall we +strike 'em for? Five hundred? For five hundred dollars, then, so I +can get out of this country to some place where my poor pardner will +receive good medical treatment." + +"And I'm the goat?" says I. "Well, I expected that. But do you expect +anybody's going to swallow that guff? It's good. Ag, it would do fine +in a newspaper, but can you find a man to trade five hundred hard iron +dollars for it?" + +Aggy drew himself up mighty proud. "I'll tell you what I've done in my +day," says he, "I've made an intelligent man believe that the first +story I told him wasn't so. Can you beat it?" + +"I know you, Ag," says I. Then we had to slide down and see if we +could get a small loan off Uncle Peters, for we didn't have enough dust +to finance salting our sand-bank and pay for a trip to town, too. Ag +would have it that we must do our turn for the old man. "It'll amuse +him," says he, "and he's more likely to come forward." Truth of the +matter was, when Aggy got one of his fine idees, he had to let the +neighbourhood in. + +Well, sir, Uncle Peters was that pleased he forked over a cartridgeful +without weighing it. My play was to look melancholy, and tear a slit +in my clothes once in a while. I had to just make believe that part +when we was rehearsing for the old man, as there wasn't enough material +to be extravagant with. + +So up to town we goes, and if you ever see a picture of hard luck on +two feet, it was me. + +"I'm going to strike for a gambling joint," says Ag. "You take a +tin-horn gam, and he knows everything, and that's just the kind of man +I'm looking for." + +So when we hit town, Ag sails into the Palace Dance Emporium, where +they had the games running in the middle of the place between the lunch +counter and the bar. He had nerve, had Agamemnon G. Jones. + +"Hy," says he, "you'll have to watch the play a little. Mebbe you'd +ought to change some, just as it happens. I'll have to do my lying +according to the way the circumstances fall, so keep your eye peeled, +and whatever you do, do it from the bottom of your heart. I can fix it +so long as you don't queer me by shacking along too easy." + +So saying he fixes the new necktie he'd bought down at the corner, +tilts the new hat a little, and braces ahead. He could look more +dressed up on 20 cents' worth of new clothes than some men could with a +whole store behind 'em. + +When we got into the place the folks gazed at us. Aggy was leading me +by the hand. + +"There," says he, very gentle. "Now sit down, and I'll tell you a +story by and by." + +I tore a hole in the coat, and mumbled to myself, and sat down +according to directions. + +Then Aggy walks up to where the stud-poker game was blooming. + +"Gentlemen," says he, making them a bow, "I trust it won't +inconvenience you any to have my poor unfortunate pardner in your midst +for awhile? I can't desert him, and I do like to play a little cards +now and then." + +"What's the matter with him?" asks the dealer. + +Ag taps his head. + +"Violent?" asks the dealer. + +Now, Ag didn't know just how he wanted to have it, so he didn't commit +himself to nothing. + +"Oh, I can always handle him," says he. + +"Well, come right in," says the dealer. "They're only a dollar a +stack." + +"Well," says Ag, "I'll just invest in $10 worth to pass away the +time--you take dust, don't you?" + +"I used to say I wouldn't take anybody's dust," says the dealer, being +funny with such a good customer, "but since I've struck this country +I've found I've gotter." + +Ag pulls out the old buckskin sack, that would hold enough to support +quite a family through the winter. It was stuffed with gravel stones. + +"Oh, here!" says he, whilst he was fumbling with the strings. "No use +to open that--I've got another package--what you might call small +change." Then he digs up Uncle Peters' cartridge shell. + +I want to tell you I had my own troubles keeping my face together while +Ag was doing his work. You never see any such good-natured, +old-fashioned patriarch as he was. When they beat him out of a hand +he'd laugh fit to kill himself. + +"You're welcome, boys!" he'd say. "There's plenty more of it." + +At the same time, you wouldn't live high on all you could make out of +Aggy on a stud-poker game. He was playing 'em right down to cases, yet +the way he talked, he seemed like the most liberal cuss that ever threw +good money away. Of course, they had to ask him about his pardner and +the rest of it whilst the cards were being shuffled, and a few +inquiring remarks drew the whole sad story out of Ag. + +"It's mighty tough," says he; "Hy's a fine-looking feller, when he's +dressed decent; but the sight of new clothes on himself makes him +furious; he foams and rips till he's tore them to gun-wadding." + +"Where did you say this here claim of yours was?" asks the dealer. + +"Up on Silver Creek--just below Murphy's butte," answers Ag politely. + +Then that dealer put in a lot of foxy questions making poor, innocent, +unsuspecting Aggy give himself dead away. He told how there wasn't +time to look for a buyer that would pay the proper price and he +wouldn't know where to look anyhow, so he'd have to take the first man +that offered, even if he didn't get no more than five hundred for the +claim. + +The dealer breathed hard and fairly shuffled the spots off the cards. + +"Now," says he, "I sympathise with you--I understand just how you feel +about your pardner. I'm the same kind of man myself, that way. If I +had a pardner in difficulties, I wouldn't mind what I lost on it so +long's I could fix him up." + +Here's where I nearly choked to death, for if any man could get the +price of a meal off that tinhorn, without sitting on his chest and +feeding him the end of a six-shooter, his face was one of the meanest +tricks a deserving man ever had sprung on him. + +"So if I was you," continued the dealer, "I'd get him out of this +country quick, and as for your claim, why, I don't mind if I held you +out on that myself," says he. "I don't want no mines; I wouldn't +bother with it, only I see you're a good, kind-hearted man, and it's my +motto that such people ought to be encouraged. Now, what do you say if +we start for a look at the territory this afternoon? Nothing like +doing things up while you are at it." Aggy kind of scratched his head +as if this hurry surprised him. "I didn't just think of letting it go +so sudden," said he. "You know I'm kind of attached to the place." + +"That's all foolishness," says the dealer. "Your poor pardner there +wants attention--you can see that--and I don't believe you're the sort +of man to let him go on suffering when there ain't no need of it." + +"No," says Aggy, thoughtfully, "that's so." + +"And would you mind," says the dealer, his hand fairly trembling to get +hold of it, "just letting me have a squint at that gunny-sack full of +dust you have in your clothes?" I didn't require any hint from Ag that +it was my place to be violent. With one loud holler I landed on my ear +on the floor and kicked the poker table on top of the dealer. More'n a +half-dozen men hopped on to me, and we had it for fair all over the +place. I gave 'em the worth of their time before they got me in the +corner. + +"Whew!" says Aggy, wiping his brow, "this is the worst attack he's had +yet." + +"Just what I was telling you," says the dealer, very confidential and +earnest. "You want to get him away from here quick--I've had some +experience in those kinds of cases, and when I see your friend's face, +I knew you wanted to get a move on." + +"It's dreadful, ain't it?" says Ag. "I believe you're in the right +about it--but, say, I feel that I'd ought to pay for the lamp he +busted." + +"Not at all," says the dealer, as generous as could be. "Not at all! +That's an accident might have happened to any gentleman. Now, I'll +just take a friend along, and we'll sail right out to your place. Can +you drive there?" + +"Oh, yes!" said Aggy. "The roads ain't anything extra, but you can +make it all right." + +So away goes the four of us that afternoon. Ag and me, we felt leary +of the fourth man at first. He let on to be considerable of a miner, +but after a bit we sized him up. + +"Did you ever," says Aggy whilst they was talking this and that about +mines, "did you ever run your pay dirt through a ground-sluice rocker +that was fitted up with double amalgam plates, top and bottom, and had +the apron sewed on to a puddle board that slanted up, instead of down?" + +"Why, sure!" says that feller, judging from Aggy's tone of voice that +this was the proper thing to do. "We didn't use to handle our dirt no +other way out in Uckle-Chuckle county." + +"Is that so?" cries Aggy, very much surprised. "Well, do you know that +very few people do?" + +"It makes me tired," answers the man in a knowing way, "to think of the +way some folks mines. Now that you've called my attention to it, I +don't recollect that I've heard of anybody using a ground-sluice rocker +the way you speak of, since I left old Uckle-Chuckle county." And here +I got a little violent again, because I can't conceal my feelings as +well as Ag. I had to have several attacks on the way out when Ag was +brought to close quarters, but we did pretty well on the trip. + +"Well, gentlemen, there's the Golden Queen!" says Aggy when we turned +the bend in the creek. "Seems funny that such an uninteresting-looking +heap of rocks and stuff as that should be a gold mine, don't it?" + +He sees by their faces that they was a little disappointed and that +he'd better get in his crack first. Then the question come up of how +we was to get them fellers to dig where we wanted 'em to without +letting 'em see we wanted 'em to. But, Ag, he was able for it. + +"Gentlemen," says he, "just stick your pick in anywhere's--one place is +just as good as another. [That was the gospel truth.] But if you don't +know just where to start suppose we try an old miner's trick, that Mr. +Johnson there, I make no doubt, has done a hundred times." + +Johnson, he smiled hearty. "Yes, yes! That old game!" says he. "I'd +nearly forgot all about it--let's see--how is it you do it?" + +"First you throw up a rock," says Ag. + +"Oh, now I remember! Sure!" says Johnson. "You throw up a rock----" +He stopped, smiling feeble and uncertain, waiting to hear the rest of +it. + +"Suppose we let Mr. Daggett [that was the tinhorn] do the throwing?" +says Aggy. "He's a new chum, and we fellers always feel they have the +luck. You may think this is all foolish superstition," says he, +turning to the gambler, "but I tell you, honest, there's a good deal in +it," and that was the second true thing Ag said that day. + +Daggett, he threw up the rock. + +"Now, go and stand over it," says Ag. Daggett's goes over according, +but he ain't pointed in the right direction. + +"Now, you turn around three times." + +But after he done it we weren't no better oft than before, for the +chump landed just as he had started. + +Ag surveyed the ground. + +"Now, you walk backward three steps, then four to the left, then back +five more--ain't that it?" turning to Johnson. + +"That's it!" says Johnson, slapping his leg. "That's her! The same +old game! Lord! how it all comes back to a feller!" + +"And just where you land, you dig," finishes Ag, handing Daggett's pick. + +Daggett sinks the pick to the eye the first crack. + +"Gosh!" says he. "Seems kind of soft here!" + +"Is that so?" cried Aggy, highly excited. "Then you've struck gold for +sure!" Having put it there himself he felt reasonably certain about it. + +Well, they scraped up the bedrock, and Aggy offered to let Johnson pan +it, but Johnson said he'd had to quit mining because his hands got so +sore swinging a pan, so Daggett he kind of scrambled the dirt out after +a fashion, and there at the bottom was our ounce and a half of gold! +Well, I want to tell you there was some movement around there. We +weren't in the same fix of a friend of mine who loaded a pan for a +tenderfoot with four solid ounces, and when he slid the water around on +that nice little yeller new moon in the corner of the pan, "Humph!" +says the tenderfoot, "don't you get any more gold than that out of so +much dirt?" + +Four ounces to the pan only means about a hundred thousand dollars a +day income. + +"Gooramighty!" says my friend, plumb disgusted. "I'd have had to +borrow all the dust there is on the creek to satisfy you--did you think +it was all gold?" + +It broke my heart to see the way that man Daggett washed the fine gold +into the creek, but he was familiar enough with handling the dust to +know that an ounce was good money, even if it did look small. He +turned pale, and begun to dig for dear life. There was no prying him +loose. Well, that's a point Aggy hadn't counted on. He managed to +slide over near me. + +"For heaven's sake, Hy!" he whispers, "fly down to Uncle Peters' and +get some more dust or we're ruined! I'll put it in the pan somehow, if +you'll only get it here! Hold the old man up if you have to--but get +that dust!" + +I begun to holler very melancholy, and prance around. By and by I +pulled my freight loose and careless down creek. + +"Say!" says Johnson, "there goes your friend, Mr. Jones! Shall I ketch +him?" + +"Oh, no," says Aggy. "Let him alone--he's used to it around +here--he'll be back right away again." + +When I got out of sight I humped for Uncle Peters. + +"Sure!" says the old man, when I told him our troubles. "Take the +whole blasted clean-up, Hy. We honest men has got to stand by each and +one another--don't let that rascally tinhorn escape." + +So I grabbed Uncle Peters' hard-earned savings and hustled back again. + +As soon as I got in good view of the outfit, I knew something was +wrong, by the look of Ag's face; but what it was got me, for there was +both them fellers in the hole now, digging dirt like all possessed. +Daggett had busted his supenders, and the other lad's coat was ripped +up the back; but they didn't care; they were mauling the fair face of +nature like genuine lunatics, and cussing and swearing in their hurry. + +"Well, what's the matter with Ag?" thinks I. "Them fellers ain't got +on yet, that's certain," but he looked as if he'd swallowed a stroke of +lightning the wrong way. Never see a man--particular a man with Aggy's +nerve--look so much like two cents on the dollar. I didn't have to be +cautious in my approach; our friends were too busy to notice me. + +"What the devil's loose, Ag?" says I. + +"Oh, nothing!" says he. "Nothing much! They're taking it out by the +hatful, that's all. Look!" + +I looked, and sure enough! There was the pan with a small-sized +shovelful of yaller-boys in it--pieces that would weigh up to $10 some +of them. I couldn't believe my eyes. + +"Where'd they get it?" says I. + +"Out of the claim," says Aggy. + +I nearly fell dead. "Out of the claim!" I yelled in a whisper. "Go +on! Your whiskers are growing in!" + +"Straight goods," says Ag, "and I had to stand here and see them do it! +The Golden Queen is all my fancy painted her. The second pass that +ice-pick-faced mut made he brought up a chunk as big as a biscuit. 'Is +that gold?' says he. 'Oh, yes!' says I. 'That's gold!' The truth +come out of me before I thought--it knocked me to see that chunk. +First time I ever made such a break--well--well. Why didn't it occur +to me to try the taste of that piece of ground before I put in my +flavouring? I was so d--d sure there wasn't $13 worth of metal in the +whole twenty acres! Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! To sprinkle a pocket that's +near half gold with a little old pinch of dust, is one of them +ridiculous and extravagant excesses my friend Shakespeare mentions! If +there was a lily around here, I'd paint it, so's to go the whole hog." + +"What in the name of all the Mormon gods are we going to do?" says I. + +"Leave me think," he answers. And again he pulls his whiskers and +whistles through his teeth. + +There came a horrible yell from the hole. Daggett held up what seemed +like a yaller potato. "Hooray!" says he. "Ain't that a humming bird?" + +"You want to think quick," says I. "I feel something like murder +rising in my veins." + +"By gosh!" says Ag, snapping his fingers. "I've got her! Come to, you +son-of-a-gun. Come to!" + +"How's that?" I asked, not just tumbling exactly. + +"Come to!" says Ag. "Regain your scattered intelligence! How in +blazes can I sell, then, without your consent?" + +"Right you are! I'm off!" says I. And with that I cut loose. + +"Help!" howls Aggy; "help!" + +The two fellers were too busy to want to stop, but after I sent a brace +of rocks in their direction, they concluded it might be as well to +quiet me first. Lord! How I did carry on! I gave Ag the wink and +pulled for the creek, and it was not long before, with Aggy's help, in +we all three went, kersock. + +They pulled me out and laid me on the bank, insensible. + +"He's dead, I reckon," says Daggett. + +"No," says Aggy, "I can feel his pulse beat, but it does seem to me +there's a different look in his face somehow." + +Then I opened my eyes. + +"Why, Agamemnon," says I, "what am I doing here?" + +"Hush!" says he, "you ain't been well." + +"Dear me! You don't say!" And I rubbed my forehead with my hand. + +"But I feel all right now--have I been this way long?" + +"Nigh on to six months, Hy, old horse; ever since we hit it so rich on +our claim--don't you remember about that?" + +"Certainly," says I. "It seems like yesterday; it's as clear--but who +are these people?" + +Ag let on to be very much embarrassed. "Well," says he, +"why--hunh--why--to tell you the truth, I thought I ought to get you +out of the country, to where you could see an expensive doctor, and +these are some folks I brought down to buy the claim--you being sick, +you know!" + +"Buy the claim!" I hollers, jumping up. "Buy the claim? What's this +you're giving me? After all my toils and hardships and one thing and +another, to sell the Golden Queen? Well, I want you to understand that +nobody buys this claim, except across my dead body," says I. + +Aggy, he looks completely dumfounded. "My! This puts me in an awkward +fix," he says. "Gentlemen, you see how I'm up against it? I can't +sell without my partner's consent, now he's in his right mind; and, as +far as that goes, the only reason I wanted to sell is removed. The +dicker's off, that's the long and short of it." + +Oh, how pleased that tinhorn looked! He swallowed three times and got +red in the face before he answered a word. + +"This may be all right, but it looks mighty queer to me," he growls. + +"The ways of Providence is past understanding," says Aggy, taking off +his hat. "To our poor human minds it does seem queer, no doubt. Now, +Mr. Daggett," he continued, waving his arm in that broad-minded style +he had, "I'm sorry things has come out this way for your sake, although +a man that has such a sympathising nature as you will soon forget his +own disappointment in the general joy that envelopes this camp. And to +show you there's nothing small about me, you can have any one of those +chunks you dug out this afternoon that don't weigh over two dollars." + +Daggett sent the chunk to a place where it would melt quick, and +expressed a hope we'd follow it. With that he hopped into his go-cart +and pulled for town, larruping the poor horse sinful. We had the +pleasure of seeing the animile turn the outfit into the gully in return +for the compliment. They scrambled in again and disappeared from view. +Then Aggy reached out his hand to me. + +"Don't tell me nothing but the plain truth, old man," says he; "I can't +bear nothing except the plainest kind of truth, but on your sacred word +of honour, ain't your uncle Ag a corker?" + +"Aggy," says I, "I ain't up to the occasion. There ain't a man on +earth could do credit to your qualities but yourself." + +Then we shook hands mighty hearty. + + + + +Where the Horse is Fate + +One thing's certain, you can't run a sheep ranch, nor no other kind of +ranch, without hired men. They're the most important thing, next to +the sheep. I may have stated, absent-mindedly, that the Big Bend was +organised on scientific principles: none of your +gol-darned-heads-or-tails--who's-it--what-makes-the-ante-shy, about it. +Napoleon Buonaparte in person, in his most complex minute, couldn't +have got at this end of it better than I did. It looked a little +roundabout, but that's the way with your Morgan strain of idees. +Here's how I secured the first man--he didn't look like good material +to the careless eye. + +Burton and me had just turned the top of that queer hill, that +overlooks the Southwest road into the Bad Lands, when I see a parcel of +riders coming out. Somehow, they jarred me. + +"Easy," says I, and grabs Burton's bridle. + +"What the devil now?" he groans. "Injuns? Road-agents?" + +"Nope," says I, getting out my field glass. I had guessed it: there +was the bunch, riding close and looking ugly, with the white-faced man +in the middle. If you should ask me how I knew that for a lynching, +when all I could make out with my eyes was that they weren't cattle, I +give it up. Seems like something passed from them to me that wasn't +sight. And also if you ask why, when through the glass I got a better +view of the poor devil about to be strung, I felt kind towards him, you +have me speechless again. I couldn't make out his face, but there was +something---- + +[Illustration: Through the glass I got a better view of the poor devil +about to be strung] + +"See here, Burton," says I. "There's your peaceful prairie hanging, in +its early stage." + +"What!" says he, sick and hot at the same time. "How can you speak of +the death of a human being so heartlessly? Let me go!" + +"Hold!" says I. "You haven't heard me through. Perhaps you can be +more use than to run away and hide your eyes. I ain't got a' word to +say against quick law. I've seen her work, and she works to a point. +She beats having the lawyers sieving all the justice out of it. All +the same, they've been too careless around here--that, and a small bad +boy's desire to get their names up. I know one case where they hung a +perfectly innocent man, for fun, and to brag about it." + +He looked at me steady. I had suspected him of being no coward, when +it comes to cases. + +"Now," I says, "I don't know what that is down there. Perhaps it's all +right; then you and me has got to stand by. If not--well, by the +sacred photograph of Mary Ann, here's one roping that won't be an +undiluted pleasure. Now listen. I'm something of a high private, when +it comes to war, but no man is much more than one man, if the other +side's blood is bad. Give 'em to me cold, and I can throw a crimp into +'em, for I don't care a hoot at any stage of the game, and they do. +But when they're warm--why, a hole between the eyes will stop me just +as quick as though I wasn't Chantay Seeche Red. Are you with me? You +never took longer chances in your life." + +He wet his lips, and didn't speak very loud nor steady, but he says: +"You lead." + +"Well, hooray, Boston!" says I. "Beans is good food. Now don't take +it too serious till you have to. Perhaps there ain't more'n a laugh in +it. But--it's like smooth ice. How deep she is, you know when she +cracks, or don't. Be as easy as you can when we get up to 'em. +Nothing gained by bulling the ring. We must be prepared to look +pleasant and act very different. Turn your back and see that your toy +pistol is working." + +Well, poor Burton! Wisht you seen him fumble his gun. + +"I can't _see_ the thing," says he, kind of sniffling. "I'd give +something to be a man." + +"You'll do for an imitation," I says. "Remember, I was born with red +hair; comes trouble, this hair of mine sheds a red light over the +landscape; I get happy-crazy; it's summer, and I can smell the flowers; +there's music a long ways off--why, I could sing this minute, but +there's no use in making matters worse. Honest, trouble makes me just +drunk enough to be limber and--talk too much. Come on." + +We single-footed it down the hillside. The party stopped and drawed +together, four men quietly making a rank in front. That crowd had +walked barefoot. + +We come to twenty yards of 'em in silence; then a tall lad swung out +towards us. + +"How, Kola!" says I, wavin' my hand pleasant. + +"How do you do!" says he, as if it wouldn't break his heart, no matter +what the answer was. + +"Why, nicely, thank you to hell," says I. "What's doin'? Horse race?" + +"Probably," says he; then kind of yawning: "We're not expectin' company +this morning." + +"Well," I answered, "it's the unexpected always happens, except the +exceptions. You talk like a man that's got something on his mind." + +Don't think I'd lost my wits and was pickin' a row to no advantage. +I'll admit the gent riled me some, but the point I had in view was what +old Judge Hinky used to call "shifting the issue." I wanted to make +one stab at just one man--not the whole party--on grounds that the rest +of the crowd, who was plainly all good two-handed punchers, would see +was perfectly fair. And I intended to land that stab so's they'd see I +was no trifler. It was my bad luck that not a soul in the crowd knew +me--even by reputation, or my hair would have made it easy for me. So +I put a little ginger in the tone of my voice. + +"My friend," says the tall lad, "I wouldn't advise you to get gay with +us. I would advise you to move right on--or I'll move you." + +He played to me, you see. If he'd said, "_We_'ll move you," I'd had to +chaw with him some more. Now I had him. Right under the harmless +bundle of old clothes dangling from the saddle horn was the gun I'd +borrowed from Ike--Mary Ann's twin sister, full of cartridges loaded by +Ike himself--no miss-fire government issue. The next second that gun +had its cold, hard eye upon Long Jim in front of me. + +Whilst my hands seemed carelessly crossed on the horn, my right was +really closed on the gun. + +"I like to see a man back his advice," says I. "It's your move. Don't +any other gentleman get restless with his hands, or I'll make our +Christian brother into a collection of holes. Now, you ill-mannered +brute," I says, "I don't care what your business is: it's my business +to see that you give me civil answers to civil questions." + +He shrunk some. He was too durned important, anyhow, that feller. + +"Quick!" says I. "Lord of the Mormon hosts! Do you think I'm going to +yappee with you all day? Nice morning, ain't it? Say 'yes.'" + +"Yes," says he. + +"I thought so," says I. "It's a raw deal when a man that's sat a horse +as long as me can't say howdy on the open, without havin' a pup like +you bark at him." + +"Why," says he, feelin' distressed, "I didn't mean to make no bad play +at you." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder towards the prisoner, +who sat like a white stone. "That's it. Misplaced horse. Got him +with the goods." + +"Oh!" says I. "Well, 'twouldn't have done no harm to mention that +first place. I wasn't noticing you particular, till you got too much +alive for any man of my size to stand." I dropped my gun. "Excuse +haste and a bad pen," says I; "but why don't I draw cards? Both +parents were light complected and I've voted several times. How is it, +boys?" + +"Sure!" says they. "Take a stack, brick-top." + +"Gentlemen," I says; "one word more and I am done. The question as to +whether my hair is any particular colour or not, is discussed in +private, by familiar friends only--savvy the burro, how he kickee with +hees hin' leg?" + +They laughed. + +"All right, Colonel!" says they. "Come with us!" + +I had that crowd. You see, they was all under twenty-five, and if +there's anything a young man likes--a good, hearty boy--it's to see a +brisk play pushed home. I'd called 'em down so their spinal columns +shortened, and gagging about my hair, and the style I put on in +general, caught their eye. And their own laughing and easiness wasn't +so durned abandoned, as Charley Halleck used to say. There was a +streak of not liking the job, and everything a little "put on," evident +to the practised vision. + +I'd gained two points. Made myself pretty solid with the boys, for +one, and give 'em something besides hanging their fellow-man to think +of for another: distracted their attention, which you got to do with +children. + +"I speak for my friend," says I, pointing to Burton. + +"We hear you talk, Colonel," says the joker. "He's with us." So we +trotted on towards the cotton-woods. + +The line of work was marked out for me. I put on a grim look and sized +the prisoner up from time to time as though he was nothing but an +obstruction to my sight, although the face of the poor devil bit my +heart. He glanced neither way, mouth set, face green-white, the slow +sweat glassy all over him. Not a bad man, by a mile, I knew. It don't +take me a week to size a man up, and I've seen 'em in so many +conditions, red and pale, sick, dead, and well, that outside symptoms +don't count for much. + +I noticed another thing, that I expected. Out of the corner of my eye +I see them boys nudgin' each other and talkin' about me. And the more +I rode along so quiet, the more scart of me they got. + +I tell you how I'd test a brave man. I'd line the competitors up, and +then spring a fright behind them. Last man to cross the mark is the +bravest man--still, he might only be the poorest runner. With fellers +like me, it ain't courage at all. It's lunacy. I ain't in my right +mind when a sharp turn comes. Why, I've gone cold a year after, +thinking of things I laughed my way through when they happened. But +I'm not quarrelling with fate--I thank the good Lord I'm built as I am, +and don't feel scornful of a man that keeps his sense and acts scart +and reasonable. + +In one way, poor old Burton, lugging himself into the game by the +scruff of his pants, showed more real man than I did. Yet, he couldn't +accomplish anything; so there you are, if you know where that is. + +I said nothing until we slid off beneath the first tree. Then I walked +up to the three leaders and says, whilst the rest gathered around and +listened: + +"Has this critter been tried?" + +"Why, no!" says one man. "We caught him on the horse." + +"Yes, yes, yes," says I, raising my voice. "That's all right. But +lend me your ears till I bray a thought or two. I'm that kind of a man +that wouldn't string the meanest mistake the devil ever made without +givin' him a trial." + +"You give me a lot of trial this morning," says Long Jim. + +I wasn't bringing up any argument; I was pulling them along with a +mother's kind but firm hand, so I says to him: "Ah! I wasn't talking +about _gentlemen_; I'd shoot a gentleman if he did or didn't look +cross-eyed at me, just as I happened to feel. I'm talking about a man +that's suspected of dirty work." + +Now, when a man that's held you stiff at the end of a gun calls you a +gentleman, you don't get very mad--just please remember my audience, +when I tell you what I talked. Boys is boys, at any age; otherwise +there wouldn't be no Knights Templars with tin swords nor a good many +other things. I spoke grand, but they had it chalked down in their +little books I was ready and willing to act grander. Had I struck any +one or all of 'em, on the range, thinking of nothing special, and +Fourth-o'-July'd to 'em like that, they would have give me the hee-hee. +Howsomever, they was at present engaged in tryin' to hang a man; a job +one-half of which they didn't like, and would dispose of the balance +cheap, for cash. And I'd run over their little attempt to be pompous +like a 'Gul engine. Position is everything, you bet your neck. + +So up speaks Mr. Long Jim, that I've called a gentleman, loud and clear. + +"You're _right_," says he, and bangs his fist into his other hand. +"You're dead right, old horse," says he; "and we'll try this +son-of-a-gun now and here." + +"Sure!" says everybody, which didn't surprise me so much. I told you I +was used to handling sheep. + +After a little talk with his friend, Long Jim comes up and says: "Will +you preside, Colonel?" + +"I have a friend here who is a lawyer," I suggested, waving my hand +toward Burton. + +The speaker rubbed his chin. + +"I guess this isn't a case for a lawyer," he says. "The gentleman +might give us a point or two, but we'd prefer you took charge. You +see," he says to Burton and me earnestly; "there's been a heap of +skul-duggery around here lately--horse-stealin', maimin' cattle, and +the like--till we're dead sick of it. This bucco made the most +bare-faced try you ever heard of--'twas like stealin' the whiskers +right off your face--and us fellers in my neighbourhood, old man and +all, have saw fit to copper the deal from the soda-card. We ain't for +doin' this man; we're for breaking up the play--'tain't a case of law; +it's a case of livin'--so if you'll oblige, Colonel?" + +"All right, sir; I'll do the best I can. Who accuses this man?" + +"I," says a straightforward-looking young man of about twenty odd. + +"Step up, please, and tell us." + +"Why, it's like this," he says. "I'm ranchin' lone-hand down on +Badger. There's the wife and two kiddies, and a job for a circus-man +to make both ends meet--piecin' out a few cattle and a dozen hogs with +a garden patch. All I got between me and a show-down is my team. +Well, this feller comes along, played out, and asks for a drink of +water. My wife's laid up--too darn much hard work for any woman--and +I've got Jerry saddled by the fence, to ride for the doctor. Other +horse is snake bit and weavin' in the stable with a leg like a barrel. +I goes in to get the water, and when I comes out there's this sucker +dustin' off with the horse. Then I run over to C-bar-nine and routs +the boys out. We took out after him, corrallin' him in a draw near the +Grindstones. That's about all." + +"Make any fight?" I asked. + +"Naw!" says the man, disgusted. "I was wanting to put my hands on him, +but he comes in like a sick cow--seemed foolish." + +"How foolish?" + +"Oh, just stared at us. We called to him to halt, and he stopped, kind +of grinned at us and says: 'Hello!' I'd a 'hello'd' him if the boys +hadn't stopped me." + +[Illustration: We called to him to halt, and he stopped, kind of +grinned at us and says: "Hello!"] + +"Prisoner," I says, "this looks bad. I don't know where you come from, +but you must have intelligence enough to see that this man's wife's +life might have depended on that horse. You know we're straggled so +out here that a horse means something more than so much a head. Why +did you do this? Your actions don't seem to hang together." + +The poor cuss changed face for the first time. He swallered hard and +turned to his accuser. "Hope your lady didn't come to no harm?" says +he. + +"Why, no thankee; she didn't," says the other lad. "'Bliged to you for +inquirin'." + +There was a stir in the rest of the crowd. The prisoner had done good +work for himself without knowing it. That question of his proved what +I thought--he was no bad man. Something peculiar in the case. +Swinging an eye on the crowd, I saw I could act. I went forward and +laid my hand on his shoulder, speaking kind and easy. + +"Here," says I, "you've done a fool trick, and riled the boys +considerable. You'd been mad, too, if somebody'd made you ride all +day. But now you tell us just what happened. If it was intended to be +comical, we'll kick your pants into one long ache, and let it go at +that; if it was anything else, spit it out." + +He stood there, fumblin' with his hands, runnin' the back of one over +his forehead once in a while, tryin' to talk, but unable. You could +see it stick in his throat. + +"Take time," says I; "there's lots of it both sides of us." + +Then he braced. + +"Boys," says he, "I got a wife an' two little roosters too. I feel +sorry for the trouble I made that gentleman. I got split like this. +Come to this town with seven hundred dollars, to make a start. Five +hundred of that's my money, and two hundred m' wife saved up--and she +was that proud and trustin' in me!" He stopped for a full minute, +workin' his teeth together. "Well, I ain't much. I took to boozin' +and tryin' to put the faro games out of business. Well, I went +shy--quick. The five hundred was all right," he says, kind of defiant. +"Man's got a right to do what he pleases with his own money; but . . . +but . . . well, the girl worked hard for that little old two hundred. +God Almighty! I was drunk! You don't s'pose I'd do such a thing +sober?" turning to us, savage. "That ain't no excuse, howsomever," he +goes on, droppin' his crop. "Comes to the point when there's nothin' +left, and then I get a letter." He begun taking things out of his +pockets, dropping 'em from his big tremblin' hands. "It's somewheres +here--ain't that it? My eyes is no good." + +He hands me a letter, addressed to Martin Hazel, in a woman's writing. +"Well, that druv me crazy. So help me God, sir, I ain't pleadin' for +no mercy--I'll take my medicine--but I didn't know no more what I was +doin' when I jumped your horse than nothin'. I only wanted to get away +from everybody. I was crazy. You read 'em that letter," says he, +taking hold of me. "See if it wouldn't drive any man crazy." + +Now, there's no good repeatin' the letter. It wasn't written for an +audience, and the spellin' was accordin' to the lady's own views, but +it was all about how happy they was going to be when Martin had things +fixed up, and how funny the little boy was, and just like his pa, and, +oh, couldn't he fix it so's they'd be with him soon, for her heart was +near broke with waiting. + +There was sand in my eyes before I'd read long, and that crowd of +fierce lynchers was lookin' industriously upon the ground. One man +chawed away on his baccy, like there'd be an earthquake if he stopped, +and another lad, with a match in his mouth, scratched a cigarette on +his leg, shieldin' it careful with his hands, and your Uncle Willy +tried to fill a straight face on a four-card draw, and to talk in a +tone of voice I wasn't ashamed of hearing. + +During the last part of the letter the prisoner stood thoughtful, with +the back of his hand to his mouth; you'd never known he was settin' his +teeth into it, if it wasn't for the blood dropping from his thumb. + +"The prisoner will retire," says I, with the remnants of my +self-respect, "while the court passes sentence. Go sit down under the +tree yonder." He shambled off. Soon's he was out of hearin' the +feller that lost the horse jumps up into the air with an oath like a +streak of lightning. "Here's a fine play we come near makin' by bein' +so sudden," says he. "I wouldn't have that man's death on my soul for +the whole territory--think of that poor woman! And he's paid the +freight. Colonel, I want to thank you for drawin' things down." + +So he come up and shook me by the hand, and up files the rest and does +the same thing. + +"Now, friends," says I, "hold on. Court hasn't passed sentence yet. I +pass that this crowd put up to the tune of what it can spare to +buy"--consulting the letter--"to buy Peggy a ticket West, kids +included, exceptin' only the gentleman that lost the horse." + +"Why, we ain't broke altogether on Badger!" says he. "You ain't goin' +to bar me, boys?" + +"Not on your life, if that's the way you feel," says I. I don't know +what amount that crowd could spare, but I'll bet high on one thing. If +you'd strong-armed the gang, you wouldn't start a bank with the +proceeds after the collection was taken. There wasn't a nickel in the +outfit. "I'm glad I didn't bring any more with me," says Burton, +strapping himself. + +Of course, I was appointed to break the news to the prisoner. He +busted then; put his head on his arm and cried like a baby. But he +braced quick and stepped up to the lads. "There ain't nothing I can +say except thank you," says he. "I want to get each man's name so's I +can pay him back. Now, if anybody here knows of a job of work I can +get--well, you know what it would mean to me. Sporty life is done for +me, friends; I'll work hard for any man that'll take me." + +"I got you," I says. "Come along with me and I'll explain." + +Then we said by-by to the boys. I played the grand with 'em still, and +I'll just tell you why, me and you bein' such old friends. Although it +may sound queer, coming from my mouth, yet it was because I thought I +might give them boys the proper steer, sometime. You can't talk +Sunday-school to young fellers like that! They don't pay no attention +to what a gent in black clothes and a choker tells 'em; but suppose +Chantay Seeche Red--rippin', roarin' Red Saunders, that fears the face +of no man, nor the hoof of no jackass--lays his hand on a boy's +shoulder, and says, "Son, I wouldn't twist it just like that." Is he +goin' to get listened to? I reckon yes. So I played straight for +their young imaginations, and I had 'em cinched to the last hole. And +after the last one had pulled my flipper, and hoped he'd meet me soon +again, me and Burton and the new hired man took out after sheep. +"But," says Burton, still sort of dazed, "God only knows what we'll +meet before we find them. Even sheep aren't so peaceful in this +country." + +He was right, too. However, when I start for sheep, I get 'em. You +can see by the deep-laid plan I set to catch help for the ranch, how +there's nothing for fortune to do but lay down and holler when I make +up my mind. + + + + +Agamemnon and the Fall of Troy + +Me and Aggy were snuggled up against the sandpaper edge as cute as +anything, said Hy Smith. Even our consciences had gone back on +us--they didn't have nothing to work on. The town looked like it had +been deserted and then found by a party of citizens worse off than the +first. + +The only respectable thing in the hull darn shack-heap was Aggy's black +long-tailed coat and black-brimmed hat. And they made the rest of the +place look so miserable that Ag wouldn't have wore 'em if he'd had +another hat and a shirt. We was a pair of twin twisters that had +busted our proud and graceful forms on a scrap-iron heap. + +I s'pose it was the turible depression of bein' stuck in such a hole, +or some sudden weakenin' of the brain; but anyhow, in that same town of +Lost Dog, Agamemnon G. Jones and Hy Smith ran hollerin' into a faint +away game. + +We paid ten dollars for a map showin' the location of the Lost Injun +mine, from a paralytic partially roomin' at the Inter-Cosmopolitan +Hotel. The Inter-Cosmopolitan had got pretty near finished, when the +boom exploded with a loud sigh. + +One-half the roof was missin', and the clapboardin' didn't come quite +to the top, but that paralytic took it good-natured, sayin' that as he +wasn't more'n half a man, half a hotel was plenty good enough for him. +But ah! he allus wound up, if he could get the proper motion in his +hind legs, he'd be up and find his Lost Injun mine, and after that no +dull care for him. + +I ain't goin' to describe that gentleman any more. When I say he +unloaded a map of that Lost Injun mine, with the very spot marked with +a red cross, anybody'll understand that the paralysis hadn't affected +his head none. + +You see, he was so quiet and patient under his afflictions, and he +talked it off so smooth, that the flyest gent that ever lived could be +excused for slippin' up and gettin' stuck in the discourse before he +knew that gravitation was workin' at the same old stand. + +Now, for a straight-away dream-builder give me Aggy. He could talk the +horns off a steer, and that steer would beller with happiness to think +he was rid of a nuisance. + +Ag stood six-foot-two by two-foot-six, and when he had the long-tailed +coat, the plug hat, and his general-in-the-army whiskers working right, +he only had to stick one hand in his vest and begin, "Fellow-Citizens +and Gentlemen," and he could start anything from a general war to a +barber-shop expedition to gather North Poles. + +Give him a good, honest, upright gang of men that would weigh two +hundred a head, and Aggy could romp with their money or them, so the +worst used monkey in the cage would go home pleased. + +Ag was built to play with huskies, not paralytics; so one day when he +stooped and turned sideways to get into the paralytic's room, treadin' +soft on the boards so's not to land the outfit in the cellar, the sight +of the poor sick man lyin' there--everlastingly lyin'--his helpless +hands turned palm up on the covers, why, old Ag's heart was touched. +He was that kind of grass-hopper, Ag, to whipsaw you out of a hundred +and then lend you five hundred, even if he had to rip the pelt off +somebody else to get it. I asked him about that trait onct. + +"Why, Hy, my boy," says he, with his thumb in his vest, and his +twenty-five cent cigar in his teeth--we was livin' at the risk of a +high-roller hotel at the time--"in the first place, I'm a gentleman in +disguise, and carelessness allows me to drop the disguise now and then; +besides that," says he, "I hate these here conventions. Because I +touch Mr. Jones for his wad, must I therefor scramble Mr. Ferguson? +And if I stake Ferguson, must I open a free lunch for the country? +Now, God forbid!" says Ag. "I started out being pleased by doing the +things that pleased me, regardless of the vulgar habits of the mob. +The mob can select its destination at any or all times it pleases, but +I'm going to be Agamemnon G. Jones," says he. "The unexpected always +happens, and I'm the unexpected," he says. + +You wouldn't ask for a man to keep his statements clearer than that. I +was the only person had a line on him. I'd figger out every +possibility for him and then sleep peaceful, knowing that it had come +off different. + +So while nobody'd figger on Ag's gettin' stuck by a paralytic, darned +if he didn't come away with a map in his hands. "Here is our fortune, +Henry," says he. + +Well, now, I jumped sideways. "Look here, Aggy Jones, do you mean to +say that legless wonder has stuck you?" + +"Mr. Troy conveyed all rights in the property to me for $10, paid in +hand, including this method of findin' out where it is," says he. + +"Where'd you get the $10, and me not know it?" says I. + +"Trivial, trivial," says Ag. + +"And do you expect to follow that dotted line until you stub your toe +over a half-ton nuggets?" + +"Frivolous, frivolous," says Ag. + +"Yes," I says, "yes. Trivial--frivolous--all right--but what's that +red cross?" + +"Shows the location plainly," says he, shiftin' his cigar. "Where the +arms of that cross intersect, we double it, or turn nurses in the army." + +Well, I stared at him. Too much thinkin' goes to a man's head +sometimes. + +"You feel anything strange about you anywheres?" says I. + +"Yes," says he, tapping it. "This map-- Accordin' to the scale of +miles these here arms on the cross are somethin' like fifty miles long. +Ah, what a merry, merry time we shall have, Hy, chasin' up and down +glass mountains, eatin' prickly pear, drinking rarely, and cullin' a +rattlesnake here and there to twine in our locks. It will seem like +old times, dropping a rock in your boots in the mornin' to quell the +quivering centipede and the upstanding and high-jumping tarantula." + +"Say," says I, "do you think there's a mine here at all?" + +"Mine!" says he, like I'd asked a most unexpected question. "Mine? +Have we lived out of eyeshot of the most remarkable mine in the United +States and Canada at any time we smoked the trail?" + +"No," says I, "that's so; but, Ag, you ain't goin' to push for that red +cross out in the middle of hell's ash-heap, are you?" + +"Only a little ways," says he; "it's time we left this anti-money trust +behind us, and I always like to leave dramatically, if it's only to +give the sheriff a run." + +"More fast-footin' in this?" + +"'Nary, but we shall meet some of our fellow-townsmen on the river +to-morrow--all men who haven't done us a bit of good--and then we'll +flap our gliders to a gladder land." + +"But that ten dollars----" + +"Look here. Let's _again_ settle this money question once for all. Am +I the financial expert for this party?" + +"You be." + +"Selah," says Ag. "And unlike the corporations in the effete East, +where a high collar marks the gentleman, we mix amusement with our +lives?" + +"Sure," says I. + +"Well, then," says Aggy, speaking with the frankness and affection of +one or more friends to another, "I ask you to swallow your tongue and +watch events." + +"Keno," says I. "Produce your events." + +So the next day we hooted it out toward the southeast, packin' grub +only, and I never says a word. + +Bimeby we see a lot of people comin' a horseback, on board waggons, and +runnin' afoot. + +"Each man with a map," says Ag. "Look at 'em dodge, Hy. They go out +of sight for seconds at the time--'Shall we gather by the river, the +beautiful, the beautiful Squaw River?'--I reckon." + +We did. Everybody seemed surprised at seein' everybody else. + +"Just come out for a picnic, friends?" says Ag. + +"Oh, yes," says everybody. "Great old day and nice spot here--tired of +town--thought we'd make a holiday." + +"Good, good," says Aggy, his honest face gleamin' with joy. "Let's all +eat now and swop maps afterward." + +Things kind of stopped for a minute. If a man was unhitchin' a mule, +he waited till you could count 1, 2, 3, and then continnered. + +"What d'ye mean by 'map'?" says one lad, bent under a horse to hide his +face. + +"What do I mean?" says Ag, offended. "Why, I mean just what Noah +Webster meant when the dove came back bringin' the definition to his +ark. I mean map--m-a-p, map--a drawin' that shows you the way to get +to a red cross that doesn't exist on the face of nature. I like green +crosses as a matter of taste, but all our paralysed friend had left was +a red one, so I took that, not to be unsociable." + +I've been at pleasanter lookin' picnics. + +Finally the feller under the horse did some deep thinkin' and come out. +"Have you honest got a map?" says he. + +"To the Lost Injun mine? 'Heigh-o, the Lost Injun!'" sings Aggy. +"Here she is, my friend, with all dips, angles, and variations; one +million feet on the main lode; his heirs, assigns, orphans. _E +pluribus unum_, forever and forever!" + +"Yours ain't just the same as mine," says the feller, grimly spittin'. + +"No," says Ag, "I reckon he spread it around. He didn't know this was +the nearest ford on Squaw Creek, and we might likely come together." + +And then arose a cussin', not loud, but with a full head of steam--it +would make ordinary loud seem like the insides of a whisper--and a rush +for horses. + +"Peace, friends, peace!" says Aggy, standin' up his hull height and +with his noble chest fillin' his black coat; his black whiskers +expandin' in pride--a hootin', tootin' son-of-a-gun to look at. And +when he said "peace," the earth shook. + +The crowd stopped. "Think!" says Aggy. "Attempt the impossible! +Think! Remember that paralytic is on a parlour car, flying swiftly +toward the setting sun. I see the picture of that lonely railroad +train whooping ties across the prairie. What is the use of throwing +yourselves into a violent perspiration in a mad chase of a thing that +no longer exists? The paralytic is no more; thy Faith Hath Made Him +Whole." Aggy sank his voice to a beautiful whisper. + +"Well, you got stuck yourself," pipes up old Grandpa Hope. "He, he, +he, he shelled you too!" + +"I admit it," says Ag, "and yet it is not quite what it seems. I +borrowed Slit-Eyed Jenkins's two gilded nickels to get in this game. I +further admit that the Government never should have left the word +'cents' off these nickels, to tempt poor but not bigoted men; further, +I'll say that if Jenkins had brightened them up he might have passed +them for $3.89. But Jenkins puts a thief within his stomach that +steals away his business ability, so that when I asked for them nickels +he merely replied: 'Take the damned Yankee skin-tricks away, with my +thanks.' + +"I have noted in my travels that the person to pass immoral money on us +is the agent whose mind is absorbed in selling you a diamond ring, that +nothing but his desire to get rid of would drive him to sell; so in +this case I dropped them nickels into the grateful and quiverin' hand +of that paralytic, drew my man and--here we are," says Ag. + +It was the first time I ever saw a gang of full-grown men blush at the +same time. + +Nobody had nothin' to say except Ag, who threw the lapel of his coat +back and addressed the meeting. + +"Gentlemen," says he, "as I have mentioned before, our paralysed friend +has fled, departed, skinned out, screwed his nut far, far from here. +Don't blaspheme in the very face of the Almighty by trying to be more +ridiculous than you already are. If you arrive warm and distracted, +the few remaining inhabitants of Lost Dog will hold the dead moral on +you the rest of your days. Cool off and wipe the word 'map' from your +minds; turn from the villainies of man to the stark forces of nature; +see where Squaw Creek has forced her remorseless and semi-fluid way +through the mighty rampart of these Gumbo hills." + +"I wish you would hush," said a puncher. "Leggo, Ag!" + +"Here's where you get the worth of your money," says Ag. "You wouldn't +play poker with _me_, would you? Of course not. I might get your +money. In fact, I think I should, myself. But you would turn over ten +fine large bones to a paralytic who made pencil sketches of a scene in +the Alps and put the sign of the price on 'em--one sawbuck, or ten +plunks? There is the sawbuck," says Aggy, tappin' his map. "But where +are the plunks? Go to! There are no plunks. We kick the dust of +Dog-town from our hind legs. Flee cheerily, one-time neighbours, to +where a red cross fifty miles in length lies exposed to the sunlight, +and then dig; dig for wealth beyond the dreams of avarice; dream of +scow-loads of gold floating on a canal of champagne. Don't forget to +dig, because that will give you a muscle like a Government mule. And +here's where we dig--out. Ta-ta, fellow-citizens, I never expected to +get you so foul!" + +"I think you was working with that feller," says one man, excited. + +"Dream on--dream on," says Ag, "but don't make any motions in your +sleep. I've heard that wakin' up somnambulists with a .44 Colt's is +bad for their nervous systems." The lad was quiet. "Gentlemen," says +Aggy, "if you have kicks, prepare to shed them now." + +"No tickee--no kickee," says the cow-puncher. "But kindly don't bunch +me with these Foundered Dogs," pointing to the rest. + +"Certainly not," says Ag. "Come with us, friend?" + +"I sure ought not to," says the puncher, scratchin' his head. "The ole +man expects me to go down to Sweet Water and bring home a bunch of +calves; but, thunder! calves just loves to play, and the ole man's got +so quiet that Peace troubles his mind. Where you goin'?" + +"Well," says Ag, sincerely, "you can search me." + +"Fits me to half a pound," says the puncher; "ain't nothin' suits me +better than to fall against somethin' I don't know the name of. Darn +calves; if there's anything I don't like some more than other things, +calves is the party of the first part---- Yekhoo!" says he, "c'm round +here, Mary Jane." With that he waved his leg over the saddle and we +was off. + +"You fellers got any money?" says the puncher. We told him we was +entirely innocent in that respect. + +"Well, I got fifty of my own, and two hundred the ole man give me to +buy any likely stock I might see. He'll stand on one leg and talk +naughty to me when he finds I've spent it, but, Lord! there's no use +remembering things that ain't happened yet, and besides, _he_ was a +hopper grass that flew, when _he_ was a youngster. So that's all +right. Gosh! don't it feel good to be out in the real fresh air oncet +more!" + +It sure was good. We made it, ride and tie, northeast by the compass. +There's one good thing about these United States--so long's you keep +movin' you're sure to run into a town somewheres. + +We spent three nights out. Every camp, before rollin' in, Ag and me +and the cow-puncher made up a quartette and sang, "How dear to my heart +is the scenes of my chi-i-i-i-i-i-ldhood," "Old Black Joe," and so +forth, then laid down in faith no critter would trouble us that night. +And say! it was simply dead great when we was lyin' on top of old Baldy +Jones's Meza, the moonlight ketchin' the canyon lengthwise, and old +Aggy comin' down, down, down, "Rocked--in ther--cradle--of--the--deep." +Holy Smoke! he sounded fifty fathom. Honest, he made that slit in the +earth holler like an organ. We was that enthusiastic we oncored him, +leavin' our own pipes out. You talk about your theatres and truck! +Give me Agamemnon G., a white night, and several thousand square mile +of ghost-walk country--that's the music for me. He never waggled them +black whiskers--just naturally opened his mouth, and the hills on the +skyline pricked up their ears to listen. You could hear that big, +handsome roar go bouncin' along the crags and wakin' up the wildcats in +the cracks. Lord! what a stillness when the last echo stopped! Well, +that cow-puncher, he had a tear runnin' down the side of his nose, and +I never felt so happy miserable in my life. + +The only words spoke was by Ag. "Mary and Martha!" says he, "I've +scart myself!" so we all rolled up. + +Two days after we met a line of ore-wagons drug by mules. When we was +twenty foot away the cow-puncher and the first driver give a holler, +and in ten seconds they was shakin' hands and poundin' each other on +the back, sayin', "Why, you damned old this and that!" When a lull +come, the cow-puncher says, "Jack, let me present my friends!" so the +driver he shook hands with us and says, "Any friend of Billy's on your +meal ticket! Where you crowd of sand skinners headed for?" So, after +some talk, he understood. "You want a town," says he. "Well," +p'inting with the butt of his whip, "eighteen miles over yonder you'll +find your place, if you're looking to make the sidewalks stand +perpendicular; and twenty mile over there, if you want to find some of +the nicest people outdoors. Pretty girls there, bet cher life. Chip +Jackson filled me full of lead two months ago to get his name +up--reg'lar kid trick; wanted to get a rep as the man that put out Jack +Hunter; he didn't put me out no more'n you see at present, but the folk +over at Cactus used me white. Nussed me. Gee! A dream, gents, a +dream! Real girls, with clothes that whispers like wind in the grass, +'Here I come! Here I come!' + +"I got the prettiest, slimmest, black-eyed one marked down for me. I +wanted her right off, but she said she couldn't consider it, and cried +a little; so I cuddled her up and ca'med her down and said I'd do the +considerin'. That's a great place--you fellers have seen enough rough +house, why don't you shuck down that way?" + +"I play her wide open," says Aggy, "from pretty little kittens in white +to chawin' the ear off my fellow-man; but, to speak honest and +straightforward, we ain't got the sinews of war to start a campaign in +such a town, as I'd like to." + +"Broke!" hoots Hunter. "Well, that don't go a minute! Here!" says he, +"glue your optics to that." He chucked out a specimen peppered with +yaller. "That's my mine. I'm just thinkin' of taking a half interest +in the mint. You can pick her to go twenty thousand to the ton--help +yourselves, gents." He began sortin' rock. "Oh, here!" says he, +"wait!" + +Then he called his men--Greasers--and spoke to 'em firm in Spanish, +that they was to bring their turkeys and empty their pockets. They +rolled their eyes and talked about saints. "G'wan," says Jack, "if you +fellers didn't know that I knew you were pinchin' me for at least two +hundred a trip you wouldn't respect me. Come, shake your jeans, or +I'll strip you clean when it comes you're between me and my friends." + +So, mournin' and groanin', they unloaded about fifty pounds of the +loveliest rock you ever see. There was a piece shaped like a cross +that Ag picked out for himself, but the Greaser that owned it hollered +loud, and Ag give it back to him. "With that in his clothes," says +Aggy, "he can steal religiously--I wouldn't take that comfort from the +poor soul for anything." + +"These here Greasers get the best chunks," says Jackson, "because they +got more time to hunt. Now, don't look cross-eyed," says he to 'em; "I +pay you five a day, and you fish two hundred for yourselves." At which +the Greasers smiled a little again, feelin' that things weren't without +their cheerful side. + +"Boys, I got to leave you," says Hunter. "The next time you come +through here, you'll see a log cabin built to hold two or more with +comfort, because I ain't such a blatting fool to build a house that's +going to take my wife's attention from me--log cabin's good enough. +Don't mention that to Miss Lorna Goodwin when you see her, because I +ain't took her in my confidence that far yet, but say a good word for +your uncle, and by-by! Get up, there, Mary! Straighten them traces, +Victoria! Oop! Oop! here we go clattering fresh! So-long, till +later!" and away he went, the dust a-flyin'. + +We landed in Cactus, ready and anxious to be respectable. We first +took in the barber shop, had a bath and a trimmin' up. + +"Fix these whiskers of mine," says Ag to the barber, "as though they +was inclined to be religious, and a few strokes from a nice, plump, +clean little widder's hand would make 'em fall. You can say what you +please about widders," says Aggy, "but a woman who's had one man and +wants another has holt of the proper sand. It's a compliment when a +widder shines up to a man. She's no amateur." + +Then we bought clothes and played seven-up in the hotel till they was +fixed to fit us. We wanted to stroll through Cactus right. After this +was done we mashed our rocks, panned the result, and got $375 from the +bank--all told, we had pretty nigh six hundred between the three of us. + +The sight of us, trimmed, wouldn't cramp you none. That cow-punch he +went an inch to the good over six foot. I came along about an eighth +below him, and Aggy loomed far in the night. We all had features on +our faces, and--well, Cactus sure was a pretty little town, with its +parks and irrigated gardens, and when we strolled, we noticed the girls +kind of let their sentences drag--probably because they didn't see us. + +"Say, this is great!" said the cow-puncher. "That bug up there," +p'inting to the electric light, "kinder exudes retail moonlight when he +sings. But my! Here's where you get your fine-looking girls! I +wonder how the old man 'ud take it if I said to him, 'Paw, dear, I'm +married.' I can lick him, though, even if I let him say sourcastic how +far from that point I be. Oh, my Christian Spirit!" he whispers, "do +you catch sight of that easy-mover in the white clothes! Holy Smokes! +Let's introduce ourselves!" + +Ag got up and marched forward. "Is this Miss Lorna Goodwin?" says he. + +"No, sir," says the girl, kinder awed by the sight of him. + +"I'm very sorry," says Ag. "We are strangers here, and we only knew a +friend of Miss Goodwin's." + +"Why," says the girl, "Lorna's right back of us. Shall I take you to +her?" + +Aggy bowed. "With such a guide, I'll follow anywhere," says he, "and I +certainly would like to see Miss Goodwin." + +"Excuse me a moment, Jim," says the girl, and off they went. I don't +think I ever noticed what a handsome big cuss Ag was till seein' him +walk beside that girl. Jim, the feller, wasn't so pleased. +Howsomever, there was old Aggy, all in a minute, shakin' hands with +many people and representing everything there was in sight, as usual. +Then he marched the crowd up and introduced us all. Say, I've lived a +sort of hasty life, full of high jumps, but I'll admit that strolling +around with all them nice girls and young fellers left a sore spot. I +enjoyed it, but-- Well, I had hold of something with hair as light as +the sun in a haze, and with big blue eyes that looked up at me, when +the head was bent down--and I can be as big a fool as any monkey in +these United States--and the first thing you know, there won't be +anything but girl in my conversation. + +Anyhow, we stood well with the community and learned to our surprise +that Christmas was only four days off. I hadn't knowed what day it was +within a month. + +The next day we found out somethin' still more surprisin'--at least Ag +did. + +"Do you know that we have a miracle in our midst, friends?" says he to +me and the cow-punch. "Answer by mail. We have, and I'll tell you +right now. The maimed and the halt are walking. The seller of maps is +now beginning to get church funds in his hands; the one-time paralytic +is the gaiest birdie that flies, and worse'n that, he's making a bold +play for Jack Hunter's girl, as her Pah-pah wears gold in his clothes +to keep out the moths. + +"He's making a strong push, so the head-waiter-lady tells me, and she +thinks it's a shame, because he has a shifty eye, for all his religious +talk, and Lorna's such a nice girl. 'Twas the kind friend who has the +cellar on the corner, where anti-prohibition folks may indulge their +religion unmolested, that told me of the work. He spotted him for a +crook first peep. Also he seemed to grasp the fact that these almost +orthodox whiskers of mine had been cut in other ways. So we talked +confidential. The barkeep liked Cactus and prohibition, and said he +didn't want the people done dirt by a putty-faced ex-potato-bug. +'These boys,' says he, 'put away more good stuff than the drinkers. +They want the cussed rum disposed of forever. I make as high as thirty +a day in this little joint, and the other part of the town is strictly +on the level. Couldn't you give our friend, Mr. Paris, a gentle push?'" + +"My God!" says I, "that bucko will be Helen the Fair and the rest of +Homer if he ain't roped! He's making too free with old-time +literature. He used to be Troy," I says to the barkeep, and then I +come here. + +"Well, durn his tintype!" says we, "how did you get a look at him?" + +"Introduced," says Ag, "he more'n half remembered me, but the strange +place, the new cut in the whiskers, the hearty handshake, and the fact +that I'd just come from N' York did the trick." + +"Well, ain't you kind of got it in for him yet?" says the cow-punch. + +Ag looked at him. "No," says he, "I revere him. But when he comes to +ringin' in ancient history, he'll find that I'm a wooden horse that can +gallop--that I'm only called Agamemnon for fun. That, really, I used +to spank our former friend, Achilles, to develop his nervous system. +Oh, no!" says Ag, "Troy to me is only a system of measurements, a myth, +or the damnedest hole in the U. S. However, we shall be at the +Christmas tree. And Mr. Troy--Paris will be there, also, as little as +he dreams it." + +We spent the next few days in a state of restlessness, because Aggy +said he'd explain when the news would do us good. One thing made the +cow-punch ready for gun practice right off, Mr. Troy was a slippery +cuss, and he had rather ki-boshed Jack Hunter's girl. He hung around +her, fetched and carried, nailed up greens for her and all that, till +you could see he was leaving himself two trails--either skip with the +funds or marry the girl. He had one day left to choose. Having locoed +the townsfolk into giving him the management of the festivities, he +stood well, and he wasn't a bad looker neither. He had an easy, +slippery tongue for a young girl: not like Ag's methods--in any +gatherin' Ag could make George Washington or General Grant look like +visitors--but smooth and languishin'. + +I had to calm the cow-punch by telling him we was in a law and order +community, and that shootin' was rude, also that Aggy could be counted +on to do everything necessary. That morning Ag gave me strict orders, +according to which I loped out to a little canyon where a spring +bubbled, and there, sure enough, was Troy, talkin' honey to Jack's +girl. I slid close enough to hear him. He made out a good case, but +when it come to the last card the girl wasn't so interested in the +story. She had sense after all; girls can't be blamed for being a +little foolish. Well, Troy, he argued and urged, till at last up gits +little Lorna and says it's impossible, and that there's another man in +the question, and so Troy stands there mournful till she's out of +sight, and then hikes for the railroad, with a two-hundred dollar cash +present for the minister in his pocket, and probably another +seventy-five or a hundred in odds and ends. + +And after him went Hy Smith, also. He flagged a train about a mile out +of town and hopped aboard. I come out of the bush and took the last +car, telling the brakie a much-needed man had got on forward. Also, I +took the Con. into my confidence. So just when we pulled into the next +town I steps behind Mr. Troy, puts a gun against the back of his neck, +and read the paper Ag had prepared for me. + +"Now, Mr. Troy, alias Paris, alias Goat, etc., come with me, or go +forward in the icebox. Don't make a fuss or we'll alarm the +ladies--I've read you the warrant!" + +He walked ahead as meek as Moses. By a cross-cut across the hills it +weren't more than four mile to Cactus, and Troy stepped it like a +four-year-old. + +We come in behind the church. "That you, Hy?" says Ag. "Bring our +friend, Mr. Troy, through the rear. If you don't know the way, he'll +sell you a map for ten dollars." + +"Whenever you want to die, just holler," says I to Troy. It was a +quiet journey. When we got inside, there was Ag and the cow-punch, +smiling kindly. Ag was mixing paint in a pot. + +"They used few colours in this edifice," says Ag, "otherwise I could +have produced something surprising. Blue for the hair," says he, "a +sign of purity." So he painted Troy's hair blue. And he painted a red +stripe down the nose and small queer rings all over his face, and with +a pair of lamp scissors he roached Troy's name like a mule--and, well, +he did make something uncommon out of Troy. + +"Lovely _thing_!" says Ag, coquettish, and pokes him with his finger. + +Troy, he didn't say nothing. In fact, when you come to think of it, +there wasn't many sparkling thoughts for him to put out. + +"I got a few other traps we need," says Ag, pulling out a long coiled +wire spring (off a printing press, I reckon). "Come on," he says, "and +we'll fix something to entertain all the children." We put a belt on +Troy, run a line through it and hitched on the spring. The cow-punch, +he crawled up to the peak of the roof with a pulley, made it fast and +passed Mr. Troy's line through it. Then Ag took a brace and bit, +boring a one-inch hole in the floor, and give instructions to a pair of +Injuns in the cellar. + +Then we yee-heed brother Troy to the top of the tree, running the +rope's end down the hole to the Injuns. Troy had a lighted candle tied +fast to each hand. + +"Now, you Greek mythology," says Ag, "mind my words; you are to flap +your arms and squeak 'Mah-mah' as you merrily go up and down; +otherwise, my kyind assistants in the cellar are instructed to pull +down so hard that when they let go, you and that able-bodied spring +will fly right through the roof. Light the candles, boys." We lit the +candles, slipped the curtain, and the crowd filed in--face to face with +Brother Troy, blue-haired Troy; ringed, striped, and be-speckled; +flyin' through the air ten foot a trip, flappin' his arms and yelling +"Mah-mah." + +I reckon no such thing had ever been behelded by anybody in that church +before, no matter how many Christmas trees they'd seen. They just +stood like they was charmed, and their heads and hands was keeping +motion with Troy. + +Ag give two small knocks with his heel, and Troy went right up into the +darkness; the cow-punch grabbed him, cut his lines, and said: "Skin, +you sucker! Hike along the edge and jump out the belfry." + +The folks thought it was a grand piece arranged for their benefit, and +they hollered and laughed and clapped their hands. But there was one +deacon who hadn't been nursed by the Dove of Peace all his life. In +fact, he reminded me of a man who used to deal stud-poker up Idaho way; +and he came around and cast a steady eye on Aggy. + +"You people might have lost there," says Aggy, passing out the +minister's purse and the other truck. "Paris is gay and not orthodox." + +The deacon, he nodded his head. "I had a pipe line run on that geeser +from the minute he blew in," says he. "Where's he now?" + +"Runnin' fast," says Aggy; "just where I don't know." + +"You gentlemen goin' to tarry with us?" says the deacon. "It's a fine +little town and I'm glad to be good, but crimp my hair if I don't feel +lonesome at times. I should like to exchange reminiscences +occasionally. I hope you'll stay." + +"It's a pleasant man who keeps the corner cellar," says Ag, "but his +whiskey has the flavour of old rags. Now my throat----" + +"Don't say a word," says the deacon, drawin' a small half-gallon flask +out of his clothes. "Do the snake-swallowin' act to your hearts' +content, gentlemen, and remember there's just simply barrels more where +that comes from. And now," says he, when the gurgling stopped, "let's +go in and see the fun. Them's awful innocent, good-hearted folk, boys. +I tell you straight, it works in through my leather to see 'em play." + +We stepped where we could look at them; happy-faced mothers, giggling +and happy little kids, and pretty girls--lots of 'em. And it lit +through my hide, too. + +"I s'pose you kin explain, Mr. Jones?" says the deacon, punchin' Ag in +the ribs. + +"Explain?" says Ag, proud. "Appoint me custodian of the bottle, and I +hereby agree to explain anything: why brother Paris left us so +completely, what became of Charley Ross, who struck Billy Patterson, +where are the ships of Tyre, or any other problem the mind of man can +conjure, from twice two to the handwriting on the wall." + +"Forrud, march," says the deacon simply, and we j'ined them kind and +gentle people under the Christmas tree. + + + + +A Touch of Nature + +"These are odd United States," said Red. They certainly are. I'm +thinking of a person I knew down in the Bill Williams Mountains, in +Arizona. He was Scotch and his name was Colin Hiccup Grunt, as near as +I could hear it. I never saw anything in Arizona nor any other place +that resembled him in any particular. + +We met by chance, the usual way, and the play come up like this: I'm +going cross country, per short-cut a friend tells me about--this was +when I was young; I could have got to where I was going in about four +hours' riding, say I moved quick, by the regular route, but now I'm ten +hours out of town, and all I know about where I am is that the heavens +are above me and any quantity of earth beneath me. For the last two +hours I've been losing bits of my disposition along the road, and now +I'm looking for a dog to kick. Here we come to a green gulch with a +chain of pools at the bottom of it. + +I got off to take a drink. Soon's I lay down there's a snort and a +clatter, and my little horse Pepe is moving for distance, head up and +tail up, and I'm foot loose forty miles from nowhere. This was after +the time of Victorio, still there was a Tonto or two left in the +country, for all the government said that the Apaches were corralled in +Camp Grant, so I made a single-hearted scamper for a rock. + +Then I looked around--nothin' in sight; I raised my eyes and my jaw +dropped. Right above me on the side-hill sits a man, six foot and a +half high and two foot and a half wide, dressed in a wool hat, short +skirts, and bare legs. His nose and ears looked like they'd been +borrowed from some large statue. His hair was red; so's mine, but mine +was the most lady-like kind of red compared to his--a gentle, +rock-me-to-sleep-mother tint, whilst his got up and cussed every other +colour in the rainbow. Yes, sir; there he sat, and he was knittin' a +pair of socks! For ten seconds I forgot how good an excuse I had to be +vexed, and just braced myself on my arms and looked at him and blinked. +"Well, no wonder, Pepe busted," thinks I, and with that my troubles +come back to me. "I don't know what in the name of Uncle Noah's pet +elephant you are," says I to myself. "Male and female he made 'em +after their kind, and your mate may do me up, but if I don't take a +hustle out of you there'll be no good reason for it." And feeling this +way, I moved to him. + +[Illustration: Yes, sir; there he sat, and he was knittin' a pair of +socks!] + +"Now," says I, "explain yourself." + +"Heugh!" says he, just flittin' his little gray eyes on me and going on +with his knittin' as if he hadn't seen anything worth wasting eyesight +on. + +I swallered hard. "Another break like that," I thinks, "and his family +have no complaint." + +"One more question and you are done," says I. "Do you think it's fair +to sit on a hill and look like this? How would you feel if you come on +me unexpected, and I looked like you?" + +By way of reply, he reached behind him--so did I. But it wasn't a gun +he brought forth; it was a sort of big toy balloon with three sticks to +it. Without so much as a glance in my direction, he proceeded to blow +on one stick and wiggle his fingers on the others. Instantly our good +Arizona air was tied in a knot. It was great in its way. You could +hear every stroke of the man filing the saw; the cow with the wolf in +her horn bawled as natural as could be, and as for the stuck pig, it +sounded so life-like I expected to see him round the corner. But at +the same time it was no kind of an answer to my question, and I kicked +the musical implement high in the air, sitting down on my shoulder +blades to watch it go, and also to acknowledge receipt of one bunch of +fives in the right eye, kindness of Grandma in the short skirts. +Beware of appearances! Nothin' takes so much from the fierce +appearance of a man as short skirts and sock-knitting, but up to this +date the hand of man hasn't pasted me such a welt as I got that day. + +Then, sir, Grandma and I had a real good old-fashioned time. I grabbed +him and heaved him over the top of my head. "Heugh!" says he as he +flew. He'd no more than touched ground before he had me nailed by the +legs, and I threw a handspring over his head. From that on it was just +like a circus all the way down the hill to where we fell off the ledge +into the pool--twenty-five foot of a drop, clear, to ice-water--wow! +'J'ever see a dog try to walk on the water when he's been chucked in +unexpected? Well, that was me. I was nice and warm from rastlin' with +Grandma before I hit, and I went down, down, down into the deeps, until +my stummick retired from business altogether. I come up tryin' to +swaller air, but it was no use. I got to dry land. Behind me was the +old Harry of a foamin' in the drink--Grandma couldn't swim. Well, I +got him out, though I was in two minds to let him pass--the touch of +that water was something to remember. + +[Illustration: Twenty-five foot of a drop, clear, to ice-water--wow!] + +"Now, you old fool!" says I, when I slapped him ashore. "Look at you! +Just see what trouble you make! Scarin' people's horses to death and +fallin' in the creek and havin' to be hauled out! Why don't you wear +pants and act like a Christian? Ain't you ashamed to go around in +little girl's clothes at your age? What in the devil are you doing out +here, anyhow?" + +With this he bust out cryin', wavin' his hands and roarin' and yellin', +with tears and ice-water runnin' down his face. + +"Well!" says I; "I don't catch you, spot nor colour, any stage of the +deal. You'd have me countin' my fingers in no time. I'm goin' to sit +still and see what's next." + +By-and-by he got the best of his emotions, come over to me and blew a +lot of words across my ears. From a familiar sound here and there, I +gathered he was trying to hold up the American language; but it must +have been the brand Columbus found on his first vacation, for I +couldn't squeeze any information out of it. I shook my head, and he +spread his teeth and jumped loose again. + +"No use," says I. "I dare say you understand, but the only clue I have +to those sounds is that you've eat something that ain't agreed with +you. Habla V. Espanol?" + +"Si, senor!" says he. So then we got at it, although it wasn't smooth +skidding, either; for my Spanish was the good old Castilian I'd learned +in Panama, whilst his was a mixture of Greaser, sheepblat, and Apache, +flavoured with a Scotch brogue that would smoke the taste of whiskey at +a thousand yards. + +He explained that while he wasn't fully acquainted with my reasons for +assault-and-batterin' him in the first place, he was deeply grateful +for my savin' his life in the second place. + +"Yes," says I. "But why do you cry?" + +Well, that was because his feelin's was moved. I'll admit that if I +sat on a rock in the Bill Williams Mountains, thinking myself the only +two-legged critter around, and somebody come and kicked my bagpipes in +the air and dog-rassled me down forty rod of hillside, afterwards +fishing me out of the drink, my feelin's would be moved too, but not in +that way. And at the time I'm telling you about, I was young--so young +it makes me tremble to think of it--and I knew a heap of things I don't +know now. For this I thought slightin' of Grandma, notwithstanding the +tall opposition he put up. Somehow I couldn't seem to cut loose from +the effect of his short skirts and fancy work. But I let on to be +satisfied. He amused me, did Grandma. + +Next he invites me to come up to his shanty and have a drop of what he +frivolously called "fusky"--"_Uno poquito de +fuskey--aquardiente--senor_." Wisht you could have heard his +Spanish--all mixed up--like this: He says he's "greetin'"--meanin' +yellin', while it's "grito" in Spanish, and his pronunciation had +whiskers on it till you could hardly tell the features. But we got +along. When we struck the cabin the old lad done the honours noble. +I've met some stylish Spaniards and Frenchmen and Yanks and Johnny +Bulls in my time, yet I can't remember aryone who threw himself +better'n Colin Hiccup. There's no place where good manners shows to +better advantage than on a homely man; the constant surprise between +the way he looks and the way he acts keeps you interested. + +"To you, senor," says Colin. "Let this dampen the fires of animosity." + +"To you right back again," says I. "And let's pipe the aforesaid fires +clean down into the tailin's." So there we sat, thinking better of +each other and all creation. The fires of animosity went out with a +sputter and we talked large and fine. I don't care; I like to once in +a while. I don't travel on stilts much, yet it does a man good to play +pretty now and then; besides, you can say things in the Spanish that +are all right, but would sound simple-minded in English. English is +the tongue to yank a beef critter out of an alkali hole with, but give +me Spanish when I want to feel dressed up. + +We passed compliments to each other and waved our hands, bowing and +smiling. In the evening we had music by the pipes. I can't say I'd +confine myself to that style of sweet sounds if I had a free choice; +still, Colin H. Grunt got something kind of wild and blood-stirrin' out +of that windbag that was perfectly astonishin', when you took thought +of how it really did sound. And--I sung. Well, there was only the two +of us, and if I stood for the bagpipes it was a cinch he could stand my +cayodlin'. + +Three days I passed there in peace and quiet. I hadn't anything on +hand to do; the more I saw of my new pardner the better I liked his +style, and here was my gorgeous opportunity to make connections with +the art of knitting that might be useful any amount, once I come to +settle down. + +It was a handsome little place. The cabin was built of rocks. She +perched on the hillside, with three gnarly trees shadin' it and a big +shute of red rock jumping up behind it. Colin had a flower garden +about a foot square in front, that he tended very careful, lugging +water from the creek to keep it growing. Climbing roses covered one +wall, and, honest, it cuddled there so cunnin' and comfortable, it +reminded me of home. Think of that bare-legged, pock-marked, +sock-knittin' disparagement of the human race havin' the good feelin' +to make him a house like this! It knocked me then, because, as I have +explained, I was young. I have since learned that the length of a +jack-rabbit's ears is no sure indication of how far he can jump. + +We spent three days in this pleasant life, knocking around the country +in the daytime, chinnin' and smokin' under some rock and discussin' +things in general, and at night we made music, played checkers, and +talked some more. + +During this time his history come out. Naturally, I was anxious to +know how such a proposition landed in the Bill Williams Mountains. It +happened like this: + +Colin came from an island in Scotland where, I judged, the folks never +heard of George Washington. + +His chief had the travel habit, and Colin went along to bagpipe. + +He'd followed his chief to France and then to Mexico, where the band of +Scotties tried to help Maximilian help himself to Uncle Porfirio Diaz's +empire. There was a row, and the son and heir of the house of Grunts +was killed, old Colin Hiccup fightin' over his body like a red-headed +lion in short skirts. + +It was at night he told me about it, and at this point he got excited. +He pulled his old sword down from the wall and showed me how everything +occurred. It was as close a call as I can recollect. I'd rather meet +an ordinary man bilious with trouble than have a friend like Colin tell +me exciting stories with a sword. There were times when you couldn't +have got a cigarette paper between me and that four-foot weapon. I was +playing the villains, you understand. + +Well, the Maximilian game was up, and when Colin got well (some lad +with no sporting blood had shot him in the head) he slid over to the +United States and resumed sheep herding, knitting, and bagpiping allee +samee old country. I suspect the boss of the ranch hired Mr. Grunt +more because he liked the old boy than for any other reason, inasmuch +as he didn't have more'n a hundred sheep in the bunch; besides, what +with getting shot in the head and grieving for his chief and one thing +and another, Colin was a _little_ damaged in the cupola--not but what +he was as sensible as I could understand most of the time--but--well, +kind of sideways about things; like not learning English and keeping on +dressing in knee skirts and such. + +What troubled him the most was that no such thing as a clan could be +found. I explained to him as best I could that as us Americans +represented Europe, Asia, and Africa in varyin' proportions, it was a +little difficult to get up a stout clan feeling--local issues would +come in. + +Yes, he said he understood that, but it was a great pity, and on the +fourth night I was there he got so horrible melancholy over it that it +was dreadful to see. I didn't know how to cheer him up exactly, until +we'd had two--perhaps three--drops together. Then an inspiration hit +me in the top of the head. + +"Come along outside with the nightcracker," says I. "I'll take the +sword and we'll have one of those dances you've told me about." + +He brightened up at that, and after a few more drops consented. I felt +right merry by this time, and it wasn't long before old Colin limbered +considerable. There it was, nice bright moonlight, nobody around to +pass remarks; nothing to trouble. So bime-by we pasted her hide, wide +and fantastic, with the bagpipes screechin' like a tom-cat fight in a +cellar. I was tickled to death lookin' at our shadows flyin' +around--one of the times I was easily pleased; I must say I enjoyed the +can-can. + +And then, alas! All my joy departed and went away, for when my eye +happened to slide behind me, it fell on a Tonto brave--a full-sized +Tonto-Yuma brave, that ought to be seen at Camp Grant, dressed in a +pocket handkerchief, a pair of moccasins, and a large rifle. + +"By-by, my honey, I'm gone!" I sings to myself--never missin' a step, +however, for to let that Injun know I was on to him would be a sign of +bad luck. I wiggled around kind of careless to see if there was any +more of him. There was. Nine more. Here was Saunders Colorado and +Colin Hiccup Grunt, fortified by--say six, drops of Scotch whiskey, a +Scotch sword and a Scotch bagpipe, up against ten Tontos armed with +rifles. I would have traded my life interest in this world for an +imitation dead yaller dog. "Oh, they won't do a thing to us, thing to +us, thing to us!" sings I to myself, hoppin' around so gleefully, +keepin' time to the bagpipes. "Whoop her up, Colin!" I hollers. "On +with the dance, let joy be unconfined!" That was in my school reader, +so it ought to be true. My joy was unconfined all right enough--she'd +flew the coop long since. + +[Illustration: "Whoop her up, Colin!" I hollers] + +At that Colin really turned himself loose. He'd warmed to the occasion +and climbed into the spirit of the thing. His eyes was shut and he was +leaping five foot in the air at a pass, wagglin' his head from side to +side. And as for them bagpipes, he simply blew the mangled remains of +all the sounds since the flood out of the big end--he took silence by +her hind leg and flapped her into rags. + +I pranced like a colt, wonderin' why we didn't get shot or something. +At last I couldn't stand feeling all them hard-coal eyes behind me, so +I whirls around as if I'd simply waited my time, and capered down that +line of Injuns, wavin' the sword over their heads, looking far away, +and smilin' the easy grin of the gentleman who pets the tiger in the +circus parade. + +"Oh, Colin!" I chants, as if it was part of a war-song; "understand +English for once in your life and keep that squealer yelpin' or these +ham-coloured sons of Satan will play a tune on us--give it to 'em, +Colin, my b-o-o-y--let the good work go ah-ah-ah-ah-on!" + +I reckon he made me out, for, after one sharp blat (I suppose when he +opened his eyes), the old bagpipes went on whining same as before. + +I made two trips up and down the line, then flung the sword up in the +air and yelled: "Bastante!" + +Come silence, like a fainting fit--the thickest, muckiest silence I +ever heard. + +"Your house, amigos," I says. "In what way may we serve you?" I had +an idea of what way they would serve _us_---fried, likely, with a dish +of greens on the side--but I thought I'd get in my crack first. + +It was weary waiting to see what kind of play the bucks was going to +make. They had the immortal on us, and what they said went. + +At last the oldest man in the party stepped out. I guess the Yankee +got his love for Fourth of July gas-displays from the Injuns, for +there's nothin' that those simple-hearted children of nature love +better than chawing air. + +"Amigos," says the old buck. "Mira. We are not Gilas; we are not +Mescaleros; we are not Copper-miners; neither Jicarillas, Coyoteros, +nor Llaneros." All this very slow and solemn. Very interesting, no +doubt; but a _little_ long to a man waiting to see whether he's about +to jump the game or not. "No," thinks I; "nor you ain't town-pumps nor +snow-ploughs nor real-estate agents--hook yourself up, for Heaven's +sake, and let go on your family history." + +"No," says he, shaking his head. "Nada, I am Yuma--they are Yuma." + +"I sincerely hope so," thinks I. "And I wish you'd let us in on the +joke. I'm dyin' for lack of a laugh this minute." + +"Si, senores," says he. "We are not Apaches; and we are not now for +war. Before, yes. Now we are peaceful. But the white man has put us +on reservation at Camp Grant, and there bad white men bother us. We +are all braves; we do not wish to be bothered. So we shoot those white +men for the sake of peace, and then we come away. We come here last +moon. We see this man," pointing to Colin Hiccup. "At first my young +men wish to shoot at him, to see him hop, but I say 'no'--we are +peaceful; besides, he is a strange white man. I think he is a great +chief and comes here to make medicine. Do you not see how small is the +rebano and how large the man? And how he dresses like a woman? And +there we hear the music he makes. Then I know he is great medicine. +It is beautiful music he makes to the Great Spirit. It makes our +hearts good. We wait; see you come. See two big medicine men fight, +then be friend again. Know, by the hair, both same medicine. To-night +sounds the music more and more. We come and see dance. We have +council. All say, when dance is over, we ask white man to be chief. +Just one chief--two chiefs, like calf with two heads, no good. You +choose. We have no chief since Mangas Colorado. He make fight. Fight +hard but no good. Now we are for peace. I say it." + +He threw down his rifle and waited. The other braves dropped their +guns, crash! + +"We will talk," says I, drawing myself up tall. + +"Buen," says he, and Colin and me withdrew. + +"Now, my Scotch friend," says I, when we got out of hearin', "we are up +against it, bang! It's all right for them Injuns to talk of how +peaceful they are, but I'll bet you there ain't a bigot among 'em. If +we don't slide down their gutter, they'll do us harm. How're we to +decide who puts his neck in the lion's mouth?" + +But old Colin wasn't listening to me. "They'll make me chief," says +he. "I'm tired of herding sheep." His little grey eyes was shining. + +"Well, you knock me every time," says I. "Do you mean you want to trot +with them?" + +"They stick together--they have a clan." + +I got some excited. "Here, now," I says; "this lets me out of a good +deal of trouble to have you take it this way, but all the same as I've +drunk your whiskey and ate your bread, I'll stand at your back till +your belt caves in. You pass this idea up--it's dangerous--and I'll +make you a foolish proposition; you take the bagpipes and I'll take the +sword and we will pass away to lively music. Darn my skin if I'll see +a friend turned over to those tarriers and sit still." + +"Heugh!" says he. "What's a man but a man? As safe with them as +anywhere--and what do I care about safe? What's left me, anyhow? Will +you watch the sheep till they send from the ranch?" + +"Why, yes," says I. "But----" + +He waved his hand and walked towards the Injuns. "Voy," says he. + +"Hungh!" says they. "Bueno." + +I laid my hand on his shoulder for one more try. Every brave picked up +his gun and beaded me. + +"Drop the guns!" says Colin Hiccup Grunt. And down went the guns. +You'd be surprised at his tone of voice; it meant, as plain as you +could put it in words, "We will now put down the guns." Oh, yes, it +meant it entirely. And he looked a foot taller. The change had done +him good. + +"Well," thinks I; "my boys, I reckon you've got your chief, and as +there ain't another peek of light out of this business, I shelve my +kick." + +"Where is the senor's horse?" asks Colin. + +"In the hills," says the Injun, before he thought. + +"Bring it," says Colin. + +"Ha!" says all the Injuns, and they sent a man for my mustang. That +quick guess surprised the whole lot of us. + +We went together to the cabin, to get his belongings and to cache the +whiskey. If it come into our friend's heads to rummage we might have a +poor evening of it. + +"Leave me that sock as a momentum," says I. + +"'Tain't finished," says he. + +"Never mind. I want it to put under my pillow to dream on," and I have +it yet. + +One half-hour after that I sat in the doorway, scratching my head and +thinkin'; whilst before my eyes marched off Colin Hiccup Grunt, Great +Peace Chief of the Yumas, bare-legged and red-headed, with his wool hat +on one side and his bagpipe squealin', at the head of his company. You +won't see such a sight often, so I watched 'em out of eyeshot. + +It chanced I was asleep inside when the rider came from the ranch, so +when I stuck my head out to answer his hail, "Why," says he, "how +you've changed!" He was surprised, that man. + +"You ain't done nothing to old Scotty?" says he, looking cross. + +"No," says I. "Hold your hand. He's gone off and joined the Injuns." + +Then I up and told him the story. + +"Hungh!" says he. "Well, that's just like him!" + + + + +THE END + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Red Saunders' Pets and Other Critters, by +Henry Wallace Phillips + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED SAUNDERS' PETS AND OTHER *** + +***** This file should be named 19265.txt or 19265.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/2/6/19265/ + +Produced by Al Haines + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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