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+The Project Gutenberg eBook of My Lady Nicotine, by J. M. Barrie
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
+most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
+of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
+will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
+using this eBook.
+
+Title: My Lady Nicotine
+       A Study in Smoke
+
+Author: J. M. Barrie
+
+Illustrator: M. B. Prendergast
+
+Release Date: July 29, 2006 [eBook #18934]
+[Most recently updated: October 17, 2021]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+Produced by: Ted Garvin, David Garcia and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY LADY NICOTINE ***
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+                              MY LADY NICOTINE
+
+                             =A Study in Smoke=
+
+
+                              BY J. M. BARRIE
+
+                    AUTHOR OF "SENTIMENTAL TOMMY,"  ETC.
+
+
+                              _ILLUSTRATED BY_
+                             M. B. PRENDERGAST
+
+
+
+                                   BOSTON
+                             KNIGHT AND MILLET
+                                 PUBLISHERS
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+     CHAP.                                                           PAGE
+
+        I. MATRIMONY AND SMOKING COMPARED                               1
+       II. MY FIRST CIGAR                                              11
+      III. THE ARCADIA MIXTURE                                         18
+       IV. MY PIPES                                                    27
+        V. MY TOBACCO-POUCH                                            38
+       VI. MY SMOKING-TABLE                                            45
+      VII. GILRAY                                                      52
+     VIII. MARRIOT                                                     60
+       IX. JIMMY                                                       70
+        X. SCRYMGEOUR                                                  78
+       XI. HIS WIFE'S CIGARS                                           87
+      XII. GILRAY'S FLOWER-POT                                         94
+     XIII. THE GRANDEST SCENE IN HISTORY                              103
+      XIV. MY BROTHER HENRY                                           116
+       XV. HOUSE-BOAT "ARCADIA"                                       124
+      XVI. THE ARCADIA MIXTURE AGAIN                                  133
+     XVII. THE ROMANCE OF A PIPE-CLEANER                              143
+   XXVIII. WHAT COULD HE DO?                                          151
+      XIX. PRIMUS                                                     159
+       XX. PRIMUS TO HIS UNCLE                                        168
+      XXI. ENGLISH-GROWN TOBACCO                                      177
+     XXII. HOW HEROES SMOKE                                           186
+    XXIII. THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS EVE                                 194
+     XXIV. NOT THE ARCADIA                                            202
+      XXV. A FACE THAT HAUNTED MARRIOT                                209
+     XXVI. ARCADIANS AT BAY                                           216
+    XXVII. JIMMY'S DREAM                                              223
+   XXVIII. GILRAY'S DREAM                                             231
+     XXIX. PETTIGREW'S DREAM                                          239
+      XXX. THE MURDER IN THE INN                                      247
+     XXXI. THE PERILS OF NOT SMOKING                                  252
+    XXXII. MY LAST PIPE                                               260
+   XXXIII. WHEN MY WIFE IS ASLEEP AND ALL THE HOUSE IS STILL          269
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Illustrations
+
+
+                                                                     PAGE
+
+  Half-Title                                                            i
+  Frontispiece                                                         iv
+  Title-Page                                                            v
+  Headpiece to Table of Contents                                      vii
+  Tailpiece to Table of Contents                                     viii
+  Headpiece to List of Illustrations                                   ix
+  Tailpiece to List of Illustrations                                 xiii
+  Headpiece to Chap. I.                                                 1
+  "As well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress"                         6
+  "There are the Japanese fans on the wall"                             7
+  Tailpiece Chap. I. "My wife puts her hand on my shoulder"            10
+  Headpiece Chap. II.                                                  11
+  "At last he jumped up"                                               14
+  Box of cigars                                                        15
+  Tailpiece Chap. II. "I firmly lighted my first cigar"                17
+  Headpiece Chap. III. "Jimmy pins a notice on his door"               18
+  "We are only to be distinguished by our pipes"                       20
+  The Arcadia Mixture                                                  21
+  Tailpiece Chap. III.                                                 26
+  Headpiece Chap. IV. "Oh, see what I have done"                       27
+  "I fell in love with two little meerschaums"                         33
+  Pipes and pouch                                                      36
+  Tailpiece Chap. IV.                                                  37
+  Headpiece Chap. V. "They ... made tongs of their
+    knitting-needles to lift it"                                       38
+  "I ... cast my old pouch out at the window"                      40, 41
+  "It never quite recovered from its night in the rain"                43
+  Tailpiece Chap. V.                                                   44
+  Headpiece Chap VI. "My Smoking-Table"                                45
+  "Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally"                       48
+  Tailpiece Chap. VI.                                                  51
+  Headpiece Chap. VII. "We met first in the Merediths' house-boat"     52
+  "He 'strode away blowing great clouds into the air,'"                57
+  Tailpiece Chap. VII. "The Arcadia had him for its own"               59
+  Headpiece Chap. VIII. "I let him talk on"                            60
+  Pipes and jar of spills                                          62, 63
+  Tray of pipes and cigars                                             64
+  "I would ... light him to his sleeping-chamber with a spill"         68
+  Tailpiece Chap. VIII.                                                69
+  Headpiece Chap. IX. "The stem was a long cherry-wood"                70
+  "In time ... the Arcadia Mixture made him more and more
+    like the rest of us"                                               71
+  "A score of smaller letters were tumbling about my feet"             74
+  Tailpiece Chap. IX. "Mothers' pets"                                  77
+  Headpiece Chap. X. "Scrymgeour was an artist"                        78
+  "With shadowy reptiles crawling across the panels"                   81
+  "Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat into a Japanese
+    dressing-gown"                                                     84
+  Tailpiece Chap. X.                                                   86
+  Headpiece Chap. XI. "His wife's cigars"                              87
+  "A packet of Celebros alighted on my head"                           88
+  "I told her the cigars were excellent"                               90
+  Tailpiece Chap. XI.                                                  93
+  Headpiece Chap. XII. "Gilray's flower-pot"                           94
+  "Then Arcadians would drop in"                                       97
+  "I wrote to him"                                                     99
+  Tailpiece Chap. XII. "The can nearly fell from my hand"             102
+  Headpiece Chap. XIII.                                               103
+  "Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country"                  105
+  The Arcadia Mixture                                                 111
+  "Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern picking out his men"         113
+  Tailpiece Chap. XIII.                                               115
+  Headpiece Chap. XIV. "I was testing some new Cabanas"               116
+  "A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder"              118
+  "Naturally in the circumstances you did not want to
+   talk about Henry"                                                  120
+  Tailpiece Chap. XIV.                                                123
+  Headpiece Chap. XV. "House-boat Arcadia"                            124
+  "I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind"       126
+  "It was the boy come back with the vegetables"                      129
+  Tailpiece Chap. XV. "There was a row all round,
+    which resulted in our division into five parties"                 132
+  Headpiece Chap. XVI. "The Arcadia Mixture again"                    133
+  "On the open window ... stood a round tin of tobacco"               135
+  "A pipe of the Mixture"                                             138
+  "The lady was making pretty faces with a cigarette in
+    her mouth"                                                        139
+  Tailpiece Chap. XVI.                                                142
+  Headpiece Chap. XVII. "He was in love again"                        143
+  "I heard him walking up and down the deck"                          145
+  Tailpiece Chap. XVII. "He took the wire off me and used it
+    to clean his pipe"                                                150
+  Headpiece Chap. XVIII. "I had walked from Spondinig
+    to Franzenshohe"                                                  151
+  "On the middle of the plank she had turned to kiss her hand"        152
+  "Then she burst into tears"                                         157
+  Tailpiece Chap. XVIII. "A wall has risen up between us"             158
+  Headpiece Chap. XIX. "Primus"                                       159
+  "Many tall hats struck, to topple in the dust"                      161
+  "Running after sheep, from which ladies were flying"                163
+  "I should like to write you a line"                                 165
+  Tailpiece Chap. XIX. "I am, respected sir, your diligent pupil"     167
+  Headpiece Chap. XX.                                                 168
+  "Reading Primus's letters"                                          171
+  Tailpiece Chap. XX.                                                 176
+  Headpiece Chap. XXI. "English-grown tobacco"                        177
+  "I smoked my third cigar very slowly"                               182
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXI.                                                185
+  Headpiece Chap. XXII. "How heroes smoke"                            186
+  "Once, indeed, we do see Strathmore smoking a good cigar"           189
+  "A half-smoked cigar"                                               190
+  "The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the door"    192
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXII.                                               193
+  Headpiece Chap. XXIII.                                              194
+  "The ghost of Christmas eve"                                        195
+  "My pipe"                                                           199
+  "My brier, which I found beneath my pillow"                         200
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXIII.                                              201
+  Headpiece Chap. XXIV. "But the pipes were old friends"              202
+  "It had the paper in its mouth"                                     205
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXIV. "I was pleased that I had lost"               208
+  Headpiece Chap. XXV. "A face that haunted Marriot"                  209
+  "There was the French girl at Algiers"                              212
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXV.                                                215
+  Headpiece Chap. XXVI. "Arcadians at bay"                            216
+  Pipes and tobacco-jar                                               220
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXVI. "Jimmy began as follows"                      222
+  Headpiece Chap. XXVII. "Jimmy's dream"                              223
+  Pipes                                                               226
+  "Council for defence calls attention to the prisoner's
+    high and unblemished character"                                   229
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXVII.                                              230
+  Headpiece Chap. XXVIII.                                             231
+  "These indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet"              235
+  A friendly favor                                                    237
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXVIII.                                             238
+  Headpiece Chap. XXIX. "Pettigrew's dream"                           239
+  "He went round the morning-room"                                    241
+  "His wife ... filled his pipe for him"                              243
+  "Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to the study"              244
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXIX. "I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew"   246
+  Headpiece Chap. XXX. "Sometimes I think it is all a dream"          247
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXX.                                                251
+  Headpiece Chap. XXXI. "They thought I had weakly yielded"           252
+  "They went one night in a body to Pettigrew's"                      254
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXXI.                                               259
+  Headpiece Chap. XXXII.                                              260
+  "Then we began to smoke"                                            262
+  "I conjured up the face of a lady"                                  265
+  "Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had been to me"             267
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXXII.                                              268
+  Headpiece Chap. XXXIII. "When my wife is asleep and all
+    the house is still"                                               269
+  "The man through the wall"                                          272
+  Pipes                                                               275
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXXIII.                                             276
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+MY LADY NICOTINE.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+MATRIMONY AND SMOKING COMPARED.
+
+
+The circumstances in which I gave up smoking were these:
+
+I was a mere bachelor, drifting toward what I now see to be a tragic
+middle age. I had become so accustomed to smoke issuing from my mouth
+that I felt incomplete without it; indeed, the time came when I could
+refrain from smoking if doing nothing else, but hardly during the hours
+of toil. To lay aside my pipe was to find myself soon afterward
+wandering restlessly round my table. No blind beggar was ever more
+abjectly led by his dog, or more loath to cut the string.
+
+I am much better without tobacco, and already have a difficulty in
+sympathizing with the man I used to be. Even to call him up, as it were,
+and regard him without prejudice is a difficult task, for we forget the
+old selves on whom we have turned our backs, as we forget a street that
+has been reconstructed. Does the freed slave always shiver at the crack
+of a whip? I fancy not, for I recall but dimly, and without acute
+suffering, the horrors of my smoking days. There were nights when I
+awoke with a pain at my heart that made me hold my breath. I did not
+dare move. After perhaps ten minutes of dread, I would shift my position
+an inch at a time. Less frequently I felt this sting in the daytime,
+and believed I was dying while my friends were talking to me. I never
+mentioned these experiences to a human being; indeed, though a medical
+man was among my companions, I cunningly deceived him on the rare
+occasions when he questioned me about the amount of tobacco I was
+consuming weekly. Often in the dark I not only vowed to give up smoking,
+but wondered why I cared for it. Next morning I went straight from
+breakfast to my pipe, without the smallest struggle with myself.
+Latterly I knew, while resolving to break myself of the habit, that
+I would be better employed trying to sleep. I had elaborate ways of
+cheating myself, but it became disagreeable to me to know how many
+ounces of tobacco I was smoking weekly. Often I smoked cigarettes to
+reduce the number of my cigars.
+
+On the other hand, if these sharp pains be excepted, I felt quite well.
+My appetite was as good as it is now, and I worked as cheerfully and
+certainly harder. To some slight extent, I believe, I experienced the
+same pains in my boyhood, before I smoked, and I am not an absolute
+stranger to them yet. They were most frequent in my smoking days, but I
+have no other reason for charging them to tobacco. Possibly a doctor who
+was himself a smoker would have pooh-poohed them. Nevertheless, I have
+lighted my pipe, and then, as I may say, hearkened for them. At the
+first intimation that they were coming I laid the pipe down and ceased
+to smoke--until they had passed.
+
+I will not admit that, once sure it was doing me harm, I could not,
+unaided, have given up tobacco. But I was reluctant to make sure. I
+should like to say that I left off smoking because I considered it a
+mean form of slavery, to be condemned for moral as well as physical
+reasons; but though now I clearly see the folly of smoking, I was blind
+to it for some months after I had smoked my last pipe. I gave up my
+most delightful solace, as I regarded it, for no other reason than that
+the lady who was willing to fling herself away on me said that I must
+choose between it and her. This deferred our marriage for six months.
+
+I have now come, as those who read will see, to look upon smoking with
+my wife's eyes. My old bachelor friends complain because I do not allow
+smoking in the house, but I am always ready to explain my position, and
+I have not an atom of pity for them. If I cannot smoke here neither
+shall they. When I visit them in the old inn they take a poor revenge by
+blowing rings of smoke almost in my face. This ambition to blow rings
+is the most ignoble known to man. Once I was a member of a club for
+smokers, where we practised blowing rings. The most successful got a box
+of cigars as a prize at the end of the year. Those were days! Often I
+think wistfully of them. We met in a cozy room off the Strand. How well
+I can picture it still. Time-tables lying everywhere, with which we
+could light our pipes. Some smoked clays, but for the Arcadia Mixture
+give me a brier. My brier was the sweetest ever known. It is strange
+now to recall a time when a pipe seemed to be my best friend.
+
+My present state is so happy that I can only look back with wonder at
+my hesitation to enter upon it. Our house was taken while I was still
+arguing that it would be dangerous to break myself of smoking all at
+once. At that time my ideal of married life was not what it is now, and
+I remember Jimmy's persuading me to fix on this house, because the large
+room upstairs with the three windows was a smoker's dream. He pictured
+himself and me there in the summer-time blowing rings, with our coats
+off and our feet out at the windows; and he said that the closet at the
+back looking on to a blank wall would make a charming drawing-room for
+my wife. For the moment his enthusiasm carried me away, but I see now
+how selfish it was, and I have before me the face of Jimmy when he paid
+us his first visit and found that the closet was not the drawing-room.
+Jimmy is a fair specimen of a man, not without parts, destroyed by
+devotion to his pipe. To this day he thinks that mantelpiece vases are
+meant for holding pipe-lights in. We are almost certain that when he
+stays with us he smokes in his bedroom--a detestable practice that
+I cannot permit.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Two cigars a day at ninepence apiece come to _£27 7s. 6d._ yearly,
+and four ounces of tobacco a week at nine shillings a pound come to
+_£5 17s._ yearly. That makes _£33 4s. 6d._ When we calculate
+the yearly expense of tobacco in this way, we are naturally taken aback,
+and our extravagance shocks us more after we have considered how much
+more satisfactorily the money might have been spent. With _£33 4s.
+6d._ you can buy new Oriental rugs for the drawing-room, as well as
+a spring bonnet and a nice dress. These are things that give permanent
+pleasure, whereas you have no interest in a cigar after flinging away
+the stump. Judging by myself, I should say that it was want of thought
+rather than selfishness that makes heavy smokers of so many bachelors.
+Once a man marries, his eyes are opened to many things that he was quite
+unaware of previously, among them being the delight of adding an article
+of furniture to the drawing-room every month, and having a bedroom in
+pink and gold, the door of which is always kept locked. If men would
+only consider that every cigar they smoke would buy part of a new
+piano-stool in terra-cotta plush, and that for every pound tin of tobacco
+purchased away goes a vase for growing dead geraniums in, they would
+surely hesitate. They do not consider, however, until they marry, and
+then they are forced to it. For my own part, I fail to see why bachelors
+should be allowed to smoke as much as they like, when we are debarred
+from it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The very smell of tobacco is abominable, for one cannot get it out of
+the curtains, and there is little pleasure in existence unless the
+curtains are all right. As for a cigar after dinner, it only makes
+you dull and sleepy and disinclined for ladies' society. A far more
+delightful way of spending the evening is to go straight from dinner to
+the drawing-room and have a little music. It calms the mind to listen to
+your wife's niece singing, "Oh, that we two were Maying!" Even if you
+are not musical, as is the case with me, there is a great deal in the
+drawing-room to refresh you. There are the Japanese fans on the wall,
+which are things of beauty, though your artistic taste may not be
+sufficiently educated to let you know it except by hearsay; and it is
+pleasant to feel that they were bought with money which, in the foolish
+old days, would have been squandered on a box of cigars. In like manner
+every pretty trifle in the room reminds you how much wiser you are now
+than you used to be. It is even gratifying to stand in summer at the
+drawing-room window and watch the very cabbies passing with cigars in
+their mouths. At the same time, if I had the making of the laws I would
+prohibit people's smoking in the street. If they are married men, they
+are smoking drawing-room fire-screens and mantelpiece borders for the
+pink-and-gold room. If they are bachelors, it is a scandal that
+bachelors should get the best of everything.
+
+Nothing is more pitiable than the way some men of my acquaintance
+enslave themselves to tobacco.
+
+Nay, worse, they make an idol of some one particular tobacco. I know a
+man who considers a certain mixture so superior to all others that he
+will walk three miles for it. Surely every one will admit that this
+is lamentable. It is not even a good mixture, for I used to try it
+occasionally; and if there is one man in London who knows tobaccoes it
+is myself. There is only one mixture in London deserving the adjective
+superb. I will not say where it is to be got, for the result would
+certainly be that many foolish men would smoke more than ever; but I
+never knew anything to compare to it. It is deliciously mild yet full of
+fragrance, and it never burns the tongue. If you try it once you smoke
+it ever afterward. It clears the brain and soothes the temper. When
+I went away for a holiday anywhere I took as much of that exquisite
+health-giving mixture as I thought would last me the whole time, but
+I always ran out of it. Then I telegraphed to London for more, and was
+miserable until it arrived. How I tore the lid off the canister! That
+is a tobacco to live for. But I am better without it.
+
+Occasionally I feel a little depressed after dinner still, without being
+able to say why, and if my wife has left me, I wander about the room
+restlessly, like one who misses something. Usually, however, she takes
+me with her to the drawing-room, and reads aloud her delightfully long
+home-letters or plays soft music to me. If the music be sweet and sad it
+takes me away to a stair in an inn, which I climb gayly, and shake open
+a heavy door on the top floor, and turn up the gas. It is a little room
+I am in once again, and very dusty. A pile of papers and magazines
+stands as high as a table in the corner furthest from the door. The cane
+chair shows the exact shape of Marriot's back. What is left (after
+lighting the fire) of a frame picture lies on the hearth-rug. Gilray
+walks in uninvited. He has left word that his visitors are to be sent on
+to me. The room fills. My hand feels along the mantelpiece for a brown
+jar. The jar is between my knees; I fill my pipe....
+
+After a time the music ceases, and my wife puts her hand on my shoulder.
+Perhaps I start a little, and then she says I have been asleep. This is
+the book of my dreams.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+MY FIRST CIGAR.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was not in my chambers, but three hundred miles further north, that
+I learned to smoke. I think I may say with confidence that a first cigar
+was never smoked in such circumstances before.
+
+At that time I was a school-boy, living with my brother, who was a man.
+People mistook our relations, and thought I was his son. They would ask
+me how my father was, and when he heard of this he scowled at me. Even
+to this day I look so young that people who remember me as a boy now
+think I must be that boy's younger brother. I shall tell presently of
+a strange mistake of this kind, but at present I am thinking of the
+evening when my brother's eldest daughter was born--perhaps the most
+trying evening he and I ever passed together. So far as I knew, the
+affair was very sudden, and I felt sorry for my brother as well as for
+myself.
+
+We sat together in the study, he on an arm-chair drawn near the fire and
+I on the couch. I cannot say now at what time I began to have an inkling
+that there was something wrong. It came upon me gradually and made
+me very uncomfortable, though of course I did not show this. I heard
+people going up and down stairs, but I was not at that time naturally
+suspicious. Comparatively early in the evening I felt that my brother
+had something on his mind. As a rule, when we were left together, he
+yawned or drummed with his fingers on the arm of his chair to show that
+he did not feel uncomfortable, or I made a pretence of being at ease by
+playing with the dog or saying that the room was close. Then one of us
+would rise, remark that he had left his book in the dining-room, and
+go away to look for it, taking care not to come back till the other
+had gone. In this crafty way we helped each other. On that occasion,
+however, he did not adopt any of the usual methods, and though I went
+up to my bedroom several times and listened through the wall, I heard
+nothing. At last some one told me not to go upstairs, and I returned
+to the study, feeling that I now knew the worst. He was still in the
+arm-chair, and I again took to the couch. I could see by the way he
+looked at me over his pipe that he was wondering whether I knew
+anything. I don't think I ever liked my brother better than on that
+night; and I wanted him to understand that, whatever happened, it would
+make no difference between us. But the affair upstairs was too delicate
+to talk of, and all I could do was to try to keep his mind from brooding
+on it, by making him tell me things about politics. This is the kind of
+man my brother is. He is an astonishing master of facts, and I suppose
+he never read a book yet, from a Blue Book to a volume of verse,
+without catching the author in error about something. He reads books
+for that purpose. As a rule I avoided argument with him, because he was
+disappointed if I was right and stormed if I was wrong. It was therefore
+a dangerous thing to begin on politics, but I thought the circumstances
+warranted it. To my surprise he answered me in a rambling manner,
+occasionally breaking off in the middle of a sentence and seeming to
+listen for something. I tried him on history, and mentioned 1822 as the
+date of the battle of Waterloo, merely to give him his opportunity. But
+he let it pass. After that there was silence. By and by he rose from
+his chair, apparently to leave the room, and then sat down again, as if
+he had thought better of it. He did this several times, always eying me
+narrowly. Wondering how I could make it easier for him, I took up a book
+and pretended to read with deep attention, meaning to show him that he
+could go away if he liked without my noticing it. At last he jumped up,
+and, looking at me boldly, as if to show that the house was his and
+he could do what he liked in it, went heavily from the room. As soon
+as he was gone I laid down my book. I was now in a state of nervous
+excitement, though outwardly I was quite calm. I took a look at him as
+he went up the stairs, and noticed that he had slipped off his shoes
+on the bottom step. All haughtiness had left him now.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In a little while he came back. He found me reading. He lighted his pipe
+and pretended to read too. I shall never forget that my book was "Anne
+Judge, Spinster," while his was a volume of "Blackwood." Every five
+minutes his pipe went out, and sometimes the book lay neglected on his
+knee as he stared at the fire. Then he would go out for five minutes and
+come back again. It was late now, and I felt that I should like to go to
+my bedroom and lock myself in. That, however, would have been selfish;
+so we sat on defiantly. At last he started from his chair as some one
+knocked at the door. I heard several people talking, and then loud above
+their voices a younger one.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When I came to myself, the first thing I thought was that they would ask
+me to hold it. Then I remembered, with another sinking at the heart,
+that they might want to call it after me. These, of course, were selfish
+reflections; but my position was a trying one. The question was, what
+was the proper thing for me to do? I told myself that my brother might
+come back at any moment, and all I thought of after that was what I
+should say to him. I had an idea that I ought to congratulate him, but
+it seemed a brutal thing to do. I had not made up my mind when I heard
+him coming down. He was laughing and joking in what seemed to me a
+flippant kind of way, considering the circumstances. When his hand
+touched the door I snatched at my book and read as hard as I could. He
+was swaggering a little as he entered, but the swagger went out of him
+as soon as his eye fell on me. I fancy he had come down to tell me,
+and now he did not know how to begin. He walked up and down the room
+restlessly, looking at me as he walked the one way, while I looked at
+him as he walked the other way. At length he sat down again and took up
+his book. He did not try to smoke. The silence was something terrible;
+nothing was to be heard but an occasional cinder falling from the grate.
+This lasted, I should say, for twenty minutes, and then he closed his
+book and flung it on the table. I saw that the game was up, and closed
+"Anne Judge, Spinster." Then he said, with affected jocularity: "Well,
+young man, do you know that you are an uncle?" There was silence again,
+for I was still trying to think out some appropriate remark. After a
+time I said, in a weak voice. "Boy or girl?" "Girl," he answered. Then
+I thought hard again, and all at once remembered something. "Both doing
+well?" I whispered. "Yes," he said sternly. I felt that something great
+was expected of me, but I could not jump up and wring his hand. I was an
+uncle. I stretched out my arm toward the cigar-box, and firmly lighted
+my first cigar.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+THE ARCADIA MIXTURE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+Darkness comes, and with it the porter to light our stair gas. He
+vanishes into his box. Already the inn is so quiet that the tap of a
+pipe on a window-sill startles all the sparrows in the quadrangle. The
+men on my stair emerged from their holes. Scrymgeour, in a
+dressing-gown, pushes open the door of the boudoir on the first floor,
+and climbs lazily. The sentimental face and the clay with a crack in it
+are Marriot's. Gilray, who has been rehearsing his part in the new
+original comedy from the Icelandic, ceases muttering and feels his way
+along his dark lobby. Jimmy pins a notice on his door, "Called away on
+business," and crosses to me. Soon we are all in the old room again,
+Jimmy on the hearth-rug, Marriot in the cane chair; the curtains are
+pinned together with a pen-nib, and the five of us are smoking the
+Arcadia Mixture.
+
+Pettigrew will be welcomed if he comes, but he is a married man, and we
+seldom see him nowadays. Others will be regarded as intruders. If they
+are smoking common tobaccoes, they must either be allowed to try ours
+or requested to withdraw. One need only put his head in at my door to
+realize that tobaccoes are of two kinds, the Arcadia and others. No
+one who smokes the Arcadia would ever attempt to describe its delights,
+for his pipe would be certain to go out. When he was at school, Jimmy
+Moggridge smoked a cane chair, and he has since said that from cane to
+ordinary mixtures was not so noticeable as the change from ordinary
+mixtures to the Arcadia. I ask no one to believe this, for the confirmed
+smoker in Arcadia detests arguing with anybody about anything. Were I
+anxious to prove Jimmy's statement, I would merely give you the only
+address at which the Arcadia is to be had. But that I will not do. It
+would be as rash as proposing a man with whom I am unacquainted for
+my club. You may not be worthy to smoke the Arcadia Mixture.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Even though I became attached to you, I might not like to take the
+responsibility of introducing you to the Arcadia. This mixture has an
+extraordinary effect upon character, and probably you want to remain as
+you are. Before I discovered the Arcadia, and communicated it to the
+other five--including Pettigrew--we had all distinct individualities,
+but now, except in appearance--and the Arcadia even tells on that--we
+are as like as holly leaves. We have the same habits, the same ways of
+looking at things, the same satisfaction in each other. No doubt we are
+not yet absolutely alike, indeed I intend to prove this, but in given
+circumstances we would probably do the same thing, and, furthermore, it
+would be what other people would not do. Thus when we are together we
+are only to be distinguished by our pipes; but any one of us in the
+company of persons who smoke other tobaccoes would be considered highly
+original. He would be a pigtail in Europe.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+If you meet in company a man who has ideas and is not shy, yet refuses
+absolutely to be drawn into talk, you may set him down as one of us.
+Among the first effects of the Arcadia is to put an end to jabber.
+Gilray had at one time the reputation of being such a brilliant talker
+that Arcadians locked their doors on him, but now he is a man that can
+be invited anywhere. The Arcadia is entirely responsible for the change.
+Perhaps I myself am the most silent of our company, and hostesses
+usually think me shy. They ask ladies to draw me out, and when the
+ladies find me as hopeless as a sulky drawer, they call me stupid. The
+charge may be true, but I do not resent it, for I smoke the Arcadia
+Mixture, and am consequently indifferent to abuse.
+
+I willingly gibbet myself to show how reticent the Arcadia makes us.
+It happens that I have a connection with Nottingham, and whenever a
+man mentions Nottingham to me, with a certain gleam in his eye, I know
+that he wants to discuss the lace trade. But it is a curious fact that
+the aggressive talker constantly mixes up Nottingham and Northampton.
+"Oh, you know Nottingham," he says, interestedly; "and how do you like
+Labouchere for a member?" Do you think I put him right? Do you imagine
+me thirsting to tell that Mr. Labouchere is the Christian member for
+Northampton? Do you suppose me swift to explain that Mr. Broadhurst
+is one of the Nottingham members, and that the "Nottingham lambs"
+are notorious in the history of political elections? Do you fancy me
+explaining that he is quite right in saying that Nottingham has a large
+market-place? Do you see me drawn into half an hour's talk about Robin
+Hood? That is not my way. I merely reply that we like Mr. Labouchere
+pretty well. It may be said that I gain nothing by this; that the talker
+will be as curious about Northampton as he would have been about
+Nottingham, and that Bradlaugh and Labouchere and boots will serve his
+turn quite as well as Broadhurst and lace and Robin Hood. But that is
+not so. Beginning on Northampton in the most confident manner, it
+suddenly flashes across him that he has mistaken Northampton for
+Nottingham. "How foolish of me!" he says. I maintain a severe silence.
+He is annoyed. My experience of talkers tells me that nothing annoys
+them so much as a blunder of this kind. From the coldly polite way in
+which I have taken the talker's remarks, he discovers the value I put
+upon them, and after that, if he has a neighbor on the other side, he
+leaves me alone.
+
+Enough has been said to show that the Arcadian's golden rule is to
+be careful about what he says. This does not mean that he is to say
+nothing. As society is at present constituted you are bound to make an
+occasional remark. But you need not make it rashly. It has been said
+somewhere that it would be well for talkative persons to count twenty,
+or to go over the alphabet, before they let fall the observation that
+trembles on their lips. The non-talker has no taste for such an
+unintellectual exercise. At the same time he must not hesitate too
+long, for, of course, it is to his advantage to introduce the subject.
+He ought to think out a topic of which his neighbor will not be able
+to make very much. To begin on the fall of snow, or the number of
+tons of turkeys consumed on Christmas Day, as stated in the _Daily
+Telegraph_, is to deserve your fate. If you are at a dinner-party
+of men only, take your host aside, and in a few well-considered
+sentences find out from him what kind of men you are to sit between
+during dinner. Perhaps one of them is an African traveller. A knowledge
+of this prevents your playing into his hands, by remarking that the
+papers are full of the relief of Emin Pasha. These private inquiries
+will also save you from talking about Mr. Chamberlain to a neighbor who
+turns out to be the son of a Birmingham elector. Allow that man his
+chance, and he will not only give you the Birmingham gossip, but what
+individual electors said about Mr. Chamberlain to the banker or the
+tailor, and what the grocer did the moment the poll was declared, with
+particulars about the antiquity of Birmingham and the fishing to be had
+in the neighborhood. What you ought to do is to talk about Emin Pasha
+to this man, and to the traveller about Mr. Chamberlain, taking care, of
+course, to speak in a low voice. In that way you may have comparative
+peace. Everything, however, depends on the calibre of your neighbors. If
+they agree to look upon you as an honorable antagonist, and so to fight
+fair, the victory will be to him who deserves it; that is to say, to the
+craftier man of the two. But talkers, as a rule, do not fight fair. They
+consider silent men their prey. It will thus be seen that I distinguish
+between talkers, admitting that some of them are worse than others. The
+lowest in the social scale is he who stabs you in the back, as it were,
+instead of crossing swords. If one of the gentlemen introduced to you is
+of that type, he will not be ashamed to say, "Speaking of Emin Pasha,
+I wonder if Mr. Chamberlain is interested in the relief expedition.
+I don't know if I told you that my father----" and there he is, fairly
+on horseback. It is seldom of any use to tempt him into other channels.
+Better turn to your traveller and let him describe the different routes
+to Egyptian Equatorial Provinces, with his own views thereon. Allow him
+even to draw a map of Africa with a fork on the table-cloth. A talker of
+this kind is too full of his subject to insist upon answering questions,
+so that he does not trouble you much. It is his own dinner that is
+spoiled rather than yours. Treat in the same way as the Chamberlain
+talker the man who sits down beside you and begins, "Remarkable man,
+Mr. Gladstone."
+
+There was a ventilator in my room, which sometimes said "Crik-crik!"
+reminding us that no one had spoken for an hour. Occasionally, however,
+we had lapses of speech, when Gilray might tell over again--though not
+quite as I mean to tell it--the story of his first pipeful of the
+Arcadia, or Scrymgeour, the travelled man, would give us the list of
+famous places in Europe where he had smoked. But, as a rule, none of us
+paid much attention to what the others said, and after the last pipe the
+room emptied--unless Marriot insisted on staying behind to bore me with
+his scruples--by first one and then another putting his pipe into his
+pocket and walking silently out of the room.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+MY PIPES.
+
+
+In a select company of scoffers my brier was known as the Mermaid. The
+mouth-piece was a cigarette-holder, and months of unwearied practice
+were required before you found the angle at which the bowl did not drop
+off.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This brings me to one of the many advantages that my brier had over
+all other pipes. It has given me a reputation for gallantry, to which
+without it I fear I could lay no claim. I used to have a passion for
+repartee, especially in the society of ladies. But it is with me as with
+many other men of parts whose wit has ever to be fired by a long fuse:
+my best things strike me as I wend my way home. This embittered my early
+days; and not till the pride of youth had been tamed could I stop to lay
+in a stock of repartee on likely subjects the night before. Then my
+pipe helped me. It was the apparatus that carried me to my prettiest
+compliment. Having exposed my pipe in some prominent place where it
+could hardly escape notice, I took measures for insuring a visit from
+a lady, young, graceful, accomplished. Or I might have it ready for a
+chance visitor. On her arrival, I conducted her to a seat near my pipe.
+It is not good to hurry on to the repartee at once; so I talked for
+a time of the weather, the theatres, the new novel. I kept my eye
+on her; and by and by she began to look about her. She observed the
+strange-looking pipe. Now is the critical moment. It is possible that
+she may pass it by without remark, in which case all is lost; but
+experience has shown me that four times out of six she touches it in
+assumed horror, to pass some humorous remark. Off tumbles the bowl.
+"Oh," she exclaims, "see what I have done! I am so sorry!" I pull myself
+together. "Madame," I reply calmly, and bowing low, "what else was to be
+expected? You came near my pipe--and it lost its head." She blushes, but
+cannot help being pleased; and I set my pipe for the next visitor. By
+the help of a note-book, of course, I guarded myself against paying this
+very neat compliment to any person more than once. However, after I
+smoked the Arcadia the desire to pay ladies compliments went from me.
+
+Journeying back into the past, I come to a time when my pipe had a
+mouth-piece of fine amber. The bowl and the rest of the stem were of
+brier, but it was a gentlemanly pipe, without silver mountings. Such
+tobacco I revelled in as may have filled the pouch of Pan as he lay
+smoking on the mountain-sides. Once I saw a beautiful woman with
+brown hair, in and out of which the rays of a morning sun played
+hide-and-seek, that might not unworthily have been compared to it.
+Beguiled by the exquisite Arcadia, the days and the years passed from me
+in delicate rings of smoke, and I contentedly watched them sailing to
+the skies. How continuous was the line of those lovely circles, and how
+straight! One could have passed an iron rod through them from end to
+end. But one day I had a harsh awakening. I bit the amber mouth-piece
+of my pipe through, and life was never the same again.
+
+It is strange how attached we become to old friends, though they be but
+inanimate objects. The old pipe put aside, I turned to a meerschaum,
+which had been presented to me years before, with the caution that I
+must not smoke it unless I wore kid gloves. There was no savor in that
+pipe for me. I tried another brier, and it made me unhappy. Clays would
+not keep in with me. It seemed as if they knew I was hankering after the
+old pipe, and went out in disgust. Then I got a new amber mouth-piece
+for my first love. In a week I had bitten that through too, and in an
+over-anxious attempt to file off the ragged edges I broke the screw.
+Moralists have said that the smoker who has no thought but for his pipe
+never breaks it; that it is he only who while smoking concentrates his
+mind on some less worthy object that sends his teeth through the amber.
+This may be so; for I am a philosopher, and when working out new
+theories I may have been careless even of that which inspired them most.
+
+After this second accident nothing went well with me or with my pipe.
+I took the mouthpieces out of other pipes and fixed them on to the
+Mermaid. In a little while one of them became too wide; another broke as
+I was screwing it more firmly in. Then the bowl cracked at the rim and
+split at the bottom. This was an annoyance until I found out what was
+wrong and plugged up the fissures with sealing-wax. The wax melted and
+dropped upon my clothes after a time; but it was easily renewed.
+
+It was now that I had the happy thought of bringing a cigarette-holder
+to my assistance. But of course one cannot make a pipe-stem out of a
+cigarette-holder all at once. The thread you wind round the screw has
+a disappointing way of coming undone, when down falls the bowl, with
+an escape of sparks. Twisting a piece of paper round the screw is an
+improvement; but, until you have acquired the knack, the operation has
+to be renewed every time you relight your pipe. This involves a sad loss
+of time, and in my case it afforded a butt for the dull wit of visitors.
+Otherwise I found it satisfactory, and I was soon astonishingly adept
+at making paper screws. Eventually my brier became as serviceable as
+formerly, though not, perhaps, so handsome. I fastened on the holder
+with sealing-wax, and often a week passed without my having to renew the
+joint.
+
+It was no easy matter lighting a pipe like mine, especially when I had
+no matches. I always meant to buy a number of boxes, but somehow I put
+off doing it. Occasionally I found a box of vestas on my mantelpiece,
+which some caller had left there by mistake, or sympathizing, perhaps,
+with my case; but they were such a novelty that I never felt quite at
+home with them. Generally I remembered they were there just after my
+pipe was lighted.
+
+
+When I kept them in mind and looked forward to using them, they were
+at the other side of the room, and it would have been a pity to get
+up for them. Besides, the most convenient medium for lighting one's
+pipe is paper, after all; and if you have not an old envelope in your
+pocket, there is probably a photograph standing on the mantelpiece.
+It is convenient to have the magazines lying handy; or a page from a
+book--hand-made paper burns beautifully--will do. To be sure, there is
+the lighting of your paper. For this your lamp is practically useless,
+standing in the middle of the table, while you are in an easy-chair
+by the fireside; and as for the tape-and-spark contrivance, it is the
+introduction of machinery into the softest joys of life. The fire is
+best. It is near you, and you drop your burning spill into it with a
+minimum waste of energy. The proper fire for pipes is one in a cheerful
+blaze. If your spill is carelessly constructed the flame runs up into
+your fingers before you know what you are doing, so that it is as well
+to marry and get your wife to make spills for you. Before you begin to
+smoke, scatter these about the fireplace. Then you will be able to reach
+them without rising. The irritating fire is the one that has burned
+low--when the coals are more than half cinders, and cling to each other
+in fear of death. With such a fire it is no use attempting to light a
+pipe all at once. Your better course now is to drop little bits of paper
+into the likely places in the fire, and have a spill ready to apply to
+the one that lights first. It is an anxious moment, for they may merely
+shrivel up sullenly without catching fire, and in that case some men
+lose their tempers. Bad to lose your temper over your pipe----
+
+[Illustration]
+
+No pipe really ever rivalled the brier in my affections, though I can
+recall a mad month when I fell in love with two little meerschaums,
+which I christened Romulus and Remus. They lay together in one case in
+Regent Street, and it was with difficulty that I could pass the shop
+without going in. Often I took side streets to escape their glances, but
+at last I asked the price. It startled me, and I hurried home to the
+brier.
+
+I forget when it was that a sort of compromise struck me. This was
+that I should present the pipes to my brother as a birthday gift. Did
+I really mean to do this, or was I only trying to cheat my conscience?
+Who can tell? I hurried again into Regent Street. There they were, more
+beautiful than ever. I hovered about the shop for quite half an hour
+that day. My indecision and vacillation were pitiful. Buttoning up my
+coat, I would rush from the window, only to find myself back again in
+five minutes. Sometimes I had my hand on the shop door. Then I tore it
+away and hurried into Oxford Street. Then I slunk back again. Self
+whispered, "Buy them--for your brother." Conscience said, "Go home."
+At last I braced myself up for a magnificent effort, and jumped into
+a 'bus bound for London Bridge. This saved me for the time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I now began to calculate how I could become owner of the
+meerschaums--prior to dispatching them by parcel-post to my
+brother--without paying for them. That was my way of putting it.
+I calculated that by giving up my daily paper I should save thirteen
+shillings in six months. After all, why should I take in a daily paper?
+To read through columns of public speeches and police cases and murders
+in Paris is only to squander valuable time. Now, when I left home I
+promised my father not to waste my time. My father had been very good
+to me; why, then, should I do that which I had promised him not to
+do? Then, again, there were the theatres. During the past six months
+I had spent several pounds on theatres. Was this right? My mother, who
+has never, I think, been in a theatre, strongly advised me against
+frequenting such places. I did not take this much to heart at the time.
+Theatres did not seem to me to be immoral. But, after all, my mother
+is older than I am; and who am I, to set my views up against hers? By
+avoiding the theatres for the next six months, I am (already), say,
+three pounds to the good. I had been frittering away my money, too,
+on luxuries; and luxuries are effeminate. Thinking the matter over
+temperately and calmly in that way, I saw that I should be thoughtfully
+saving money, instead of spending it, by buying Romulus and Remus, as I
+already called them. At the same time, I should be gratifying my father
+and my mother, and leading a higher and a nobler life. Even then I do
+not know that I should have bought the pipes until the six months were
+up, had I not been driven to it by jealousy. On my life, love for a pipe
+is ever like love for a woman, though they say it is not so acute. Many
+a man thinks there is no haste to propose until he sees a hated rival
+approaching. Even if he is not in a hurry for the lady himself, he
+loathes the idea of her giving herself, in a moment of madness, to
+that other fellow. Rather than allow that, he proposes himself, and so
+insures her happiness. It was so with me. Romulus and Remus were taken
+from the window to show to a black-bearded, swarthy man, whom I
+suspected of designs upon them the moment he entered the shop. Ah, the
+agony of waiting until he came out! He was not worthy of them. I never
+knew how much I loved them until I had nearly lost them. As soon as he
+was gone I asked if he had priced them, and was told that he had. He was
+to call again to-morrow. I left a deposit of a guinea, hurried home for
+more money, and that night Romulus and Remus were mine. But I never
+really loved them as I loved my brier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+MY TOBACCO-POUCH.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I once knew a lady who said of her husband that he looked nice when
+sitting with a rug over him. My female relatives seemed to have the
+same opinion of my tobacco-pouch; for they never saw it, even in my own
+room, without putting a book or pamphlet over it. They called it "that
+thing," and made tongs of their knitting-needles to lift it; and when I
+indignantly returned it to my pocket, they raised their hands to signify
+that I would not listen to reason. It seemed to come natural to other
+persons to present me with new tobacco-pouches, until I had nearly a
+score lying neglected in drawers. But I am not the man to desert an old
+friend that has been with me everywhere and thoroughly knows my ways.
+Once, indeed, I came near to being unfaithful to my tobacco-pouch, and
+I mean to tell how--partly as a punishment to myself.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The incident took place several years ago. Gilray and I had set out on a
+walking tour of the Shakespeare country; but we separated at Stratford,
+which was to be our starting-point, because he would not wait for me. I
+am more of a Shakespearian student than Gilray, and Stratford affected
+me so much that I passed day after day smoking reverently at the hotel
+door; while he, being of the pure tourist type (not that I would say
+a word against Gilray), wanted to rush from one place of interest to
+another. He did not understand what thoughts came to me as I strolled
+down the Stratford streets; and in the hotel, when I lay down on the
+sofa, he said I was sleeping, though I was really picturing to myself
+Shakespeare's boyhood. Gilray even went the length of arguing that it
+would not be a walking tour at all if we never made a start; so, upon
+the whole, I was glad when he departed alone. The next day was a
+memorable one to me. In the morning I wrote to my London tobacconist for
+more Arcadia. I had quarrelled with both of the Stratford tobacconists.
+The one of them, as soon as he saw my tobacco-pouch, almost compelled
+me to buy a new one. The second was even more annoying. I paid with a
+half-sovereign for the tobacco I had got from him; but after gazing at
+the pouch he became suspicious of the coin, and asked if I could not pay
+him in silver. An insult to my pouch I considered an insult to myself;
+so I returned to those shops no more. The evening of the day on which
+I wrote to London for tobacco brought me a letter from home saying that
+my sister was seriously ill. I had left her in good health, so that the
+news was the more distressing. Of course I returned home by the first
+train. Sitting alone in a dull railway compartment, my heart was filled
+with tenderness, and I recalled the occasions on which I had carelessly
+given her pain. Suddenly I remembered that more than once she had
+besought me with tears in her eyes to fling away my old tobacco-pouch.
+She had always said that it was not respectable. In the bitterness of
+self-reproach I pulled the pouch from my pocket, asking myself whether,
+after all, the love of a good woman was not a far more precious
+possession. Without giving myself time to hesitate, I stood up and
+firmly cast my old pouch out at the window. I saw it fall at the foot
+of a fence. The train shot on.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+By the time I reached home my sister had been pronounced out of danger.
+Of course I was much relieved to hear it, but at the same time this was
+a lesson to me not to act rashly. The retention of my tobacco-pouch
+would not have retarded her recovery, and I could not help picturing my
+pouch, my oldest friend in the world, lying at the foot of that fence.
+I saw that I had done wrong in casting it from me. I had not even the
+consolation of feeling that if any one found it he would cherish it, for
+it was so much damaged that I knew it could never appeal to a new owner
+as it appealed to me. I had intended telling my sister of the sacrifice
+made for her sake; but after seeing her so much better, I left the room
+without doing so. There was Arcadia Mixture in the house, but I had not
+the heart to smoke. I went early to bed, and fell into a troubled sleep,
+from which I awoke with a shiver. The rain was driving against my
+window, tapping noisily on it as if calling on me to awake and go back
+for my tobacco-pouch. It rained far on into the morning, and I lay
+miserably, seeing nothing before me but a wet fence, and a tobacco-pouch
+among the grass at the foot of it.
+
+On the following afternoon I was again at Stratford. So far as I could
+remember, I had flung away the pouch within a few miles of the station;
+but I did not look for it until dusk. I felt that the porters had their
+eyes on me. By crouching along hedges I at last reached the railway a
+mile or two from the station, and began my search. It may be thought
+that the chances were against my finding the pouch; but I recovered it
+without much difficulty. The scene as I flung my old friend out at the
+window had burned itself into my brain, and I could go to the spot
+to-day as readily as I went on that occasion. There it was, lying among
+the grass, but not quite in the place where it had fallen. Apparently
+some navvy had found it, looked at it, and then dropped it. It was
+half-full of water, and here and there it was sticking together; but
+I took it up tenderly, and several times on the way back to the station
+I felt in my pocket to make sure that it was really there.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have not described the appearance of my pouch, feeling that to be
+unnecessary. It never, I fear, quite recovered from its night in the
+rain, and as my female relatives refused to touch it, I had to sew it
+together now and then myself. Gilray used to boast of a way of mending
+a hole in a tobacco-pouch that was better than sewing. You put the two
+pieces of gutta-percha close together and then cut them sharply with
+scissors. This makes them run together, he says, and I believed him
+until he experimented upon my pouch. However, I did not object to a hole
+here and there. Wherever I laid that pouch it left a small deposit of
+tobacco, and thus I could generally get together a pipeful at times
+when other persons would be destitute. I never told my sister that my
+pouch was once all but lost, but ever after that, when she complained
+that I had never even tried to do without it, I smiled tenderly.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+MY SMOKING-TABLE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Had it not been for a bootblack at Charing Cross I should probably never
+have bought the smoking-table. I had to pass that boy every morning. In
+vain did I scowl at him, or pass with my head to the side. He always
+pointed derisively (as I thought) at my boots. Probably my boots were
+speckless, but that made no difference; he jeered and sneered. I have
+never hated any one as I loathed that boy, and to escape him I took to
+going round by the Lowther Arcade. It was here that my eye fell on the
+smoking-table. In the Lowther Arcade, if the attendants catch you
+looking at any article for a fraction of a second, it is done up in
+brown paper, you have paid your money, and they have taken down your
+address before you realize that you don't want anything. In this way I
+became the owner of my smoking-table, and when I saw it in a brown-paper
+parcel on my return to my chambers I could not think what it was until
+I cut the strings. Such a little gem of a table no smokers should be
+without; and I am not ashamed to say that I was in love with mine
+as soon as I had fixed the pieces together. It was of walnut, and
+consisted mainly of a stalk and two round slabs not much bigger than
+dinner-plates. There were holes in the centre of these slabs for the
+stalk to go through, and the one slab stood two feet from the floor, the
+other a foot higher. The lower slab was fitted with a walnut tobacco-jar
+and a pipe-rack, while on the upper slab were exquisite little recesses
+for cigars, cigarettes, matches, and ashes. These held respectively
+three cigars, two cigarettes, and four wax vestas. The smoking-table
+was an ornament to any room; and the first night I had it I raised my
+eyes from my book to look at it every few minutes. I got all my pipes
+together and put them in the rack; I filled the jar with tobacco, the
+recesses with three cigars, two cigarettes, and four matches; and then
+I thought I would have a smoke. I swept my hand confidently along the
+mantelpiece, but it did not stop at a pipe. I rose and looked for a
+pipe. I had half a dozen, but not one was to be seen--none on the
+mantelpiece, none on the window-sill, none on the hearth-rug, none being
+used as book-markers. I tugged at the bell till William John came in
+quaking, and then I asked him fiercely what he had done with my pipes. I
+was so obviously not to be trifled with that William John, as we called
+him, because some thought his name was William, while others thought it
+was John, very soon handed me my favorite pipe, which he found in the
+rack on the smoking-table. This incident illustrates one of the very few
+drawbacks of smoking-tables. Not being used to them, you forget about
+them. William John, however, took the greatest pride in the table, and
+whenever he saw a pipe lying on the rug he pounced upon it and placed
+it, like a prisoner, in the rack. He was also most particular about the
+three cigars, the two cigarettes, and the four wax vestas, keeping them
+carefully in the proper compartments, where, unfortunately, I seldom
+thought of looking for them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The fatal defect of the smoking-table, however, was that it was
+generally rolling about the floor--the stalk in one corner, the slabs
+here and there, the cigars on the rug to be trampled on, the lid of the
+tobacco-jar beneath a chair. Every morning William John had to put the
+table together. Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally. I would
+fling a crumpled piece of paper into the waste-paper basket. It missed
+the basket but hit the smoking-table, which went down like a wooden
+soldier. When my fire went out, just because I had taken my eyes off it
+for a moment, I called it names and flung the tongs at it. There was a
+crash--the smoking-table again. In time I might have remedied this; but
+there is one weakness which I could not stand in any smoking-table. A
+smoking-table ought to be so constructed that from where you are sitting
+you can stretch out your feet, twist them round the stalk, and so lift
+the table to the spot where it will be handiest. This my smoking-table
+would never do. The moment I had it in the air it wanted to stand on its
+head.
+
+Though I still admired smoking-tables as much as ever, I began to want
+very much to give this one away. The difficulty was not so much to know
+whom to give it to as how to tie it up. My brother was the very person,
+for I owed him a letter, and this, I thought, would do instead. For a
+month I meant to pack the table up and send it to him; but I always put
+off doing it, and at last I thought the best plan would be to give it to
+Scrymgeour, who liked elegant furniture. As a smoker, Scrymgeour seemed
+the very man to appreciate a pretty, useful little table. Besides, all
+I had to do was to send William John down with it. Scrymgeour was out
+at the time; but we left it at the side of his fireplace as a pleasant
+surprise. Next morning, to my indignation, it was back at the side of
+my fireplace, and in the evening Scrymgeour came and upbraided me for
+trying, as he most unworthily expressed it, "to palm the thing off on
+him." He was no sooner gone than I took the table to pieces to send it
+to my brother. I tied the stalk up in brown paper, meaning to get a box
+for the other parts. William John sent off the stalk, and for some days
+the other pieces littered the floor. My brother wrote me saying he had
+received something from me, for which his best thanks; but would I tell
+him what it was, as it puzzled everybody? This was his impatient way;
+but I made an effort, and sent off the other pieces to him in a hat-box.
+
+That was a year ago, and since then I have only heard the history of
+the smoking-table in fragments. My brother liked it immensely; but
+he thought it was too luxurious for a married man, so he sent it to
+Reynolds, in Edinburgh. Not knowing Reynolds, I cannot say what his
+opinion was; but soon afterward I heard of its being in the possession
+of Grayson, who was charmed with it, but gave it to Pelle, because it
+was hardly in its place in a bachelor's establishment. Later a town man
+sent it to a country gentleman as just the thing for the country; and it
+was afterward in Liverpool as the very thing for a town. There I thought
+it was lost, so far as I was concerned. One day, however, Boyd, a friend
+of mine who lives in Glasgow, came to me for a week, and about six hours
+afterward he said that he had a present for me. He brought it into my
+sitting-room--a bulky parcel--and while he was undoing the cords he told
+me it was something quite novel; he had bought it in Glasgow the day
+before. When I saw a walnut leg I started; in another two minutes I was
+trying to thank Boyd for my own smoking-table. I recognized it by the
+dents. I was too much the gentleman to insist on an explanation from
+Boyd; but, though it seems a harsh thing to say, my opinion is that
+these different persons gave the table away because they wanted to get
+rid of it. William John has it now.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+GILRAY.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Gilray is an actor, whose life I may be said to have strangely
+influenced, for it was I who brought him and the Arcadia Mixture
+together. After that his coming to live on our stair was only a matter
+of rooms being vacant.
+
+We met first in the Merediths' house-boat, the _Tawny Owl_, which
+was then lying at Molesey. Gilray, as I soon saw, was a man trying to be
+miserable, and finding it the hardest task in life. It is strange that
+the philosophers have never hit upon this profound truth. No man ever
+tried harder to be unhappy than Gilray; but the luck was against him,
+and he was always forgetting himself. Mark Tapley succeeded in being
+jolly in adverse circumstances; Gilray failed, on the whole, in being
+miserable in a delightful house-boat. It is, however, so much more
+difficult to keep up misery than jollity that I like to think of his
+attempt as what the dramatic critics call a _succËs d'estime_.
+
+The _Tawny Owl_ lay on the far side of the island. There were
+ladies in it; and Gilray's misery was meant to date from the moment when
+he asked one of them a question, and she said "No." Gilray was strangely
+unlucky during the whole of his time on board. His evil genius was
+there, though there was very little room for him, and played sad pranks.
+Up to the time of his asking the question referred to, Gilray meant to
+create a pleasant impression by being jolly, and he only succeeded in
+being as depressing as Jaques. Afterward he was to be unutterably
+miserable; and it was all he could do to keep himself at times from
+whirling about in waltz tune. But then the nearest boat had a piano on
+board, and some one was constantly playing dance music. Gilray had an
+idea that it would have been the proper thing to leave Molesey when
+she said "No;" and he would have done so had not the barbel-fishing
+been so good. The barbel-fishing was altogether unfortunate--at least
+Gilray's passion for it was. I have thought--and so sometimes has
+Gilray--that if it had not been for a barbel she might not have said
+"No." He was fishing from the house-boat when he asked the question. You
+know how you fish from a house-boat. The line is flung into the water
+and the rod laid down on deck. You keep an eye on it. Barbel-fishing, in
+fact, reminds one of the independent sort of man who is quite willing to
+play host to you, but wishes you clearly to understand at the same time
+that he can do without you. "Glad to see you with us if you have nothing
+better to do; but please yourself," is what he says to his friends. This
+is also the form of invitation to barbel. Now it happened that she and
+Gilray were left alone in the house-boat. It was evening; some Chinese
+lanterns had been lighted, and Gilray, though you would not think it
+to look at him, is romantic. He cast his line, and, turning to his
+companion, asked her the question. From what he has told me he asked it
+very properly, and all seemed to be going well. She turned away her head
+(which is said not to be a bad sign) and had begun to reply, when a
+woful thing happened. The line stiffened, and there was a whirl of the
+reel. Who can withstand that music? You can ask a question at any time,
+but, even at Molesey, barbel are only to be got now and then. Gilray
+rushed to his rod and began playing the fish. He called to his companion
+to get the landing-net. She did so; and after playing his barbel for ten
+minutes Gilray landed it. Then he turned to her again, and she said, "No."
+
+Gilray sees now that he made a mistake in not departing that night by
+the last train. He overestimated his strength. However, we had something
+to do with his staying on, and he persuaded himself that he remained
+just to show her that she had ruined his life. Once, I believe, he
+repeated his question; but in reply she only asked him if he had caught
+any more barbel. Considering the surprisingly fine weather, the
+barbel-fishing, and the piano on the other boat, Gilray was perhaps
+as miserable as could reasonably have been expected. Where he ought to
+have scored best, however, he was most unlucky. She had a hammock swung
+between two trees, close to the boat, and there she lay, holding a novel
+in her hand. From the hammock she had a fine view of the deck, and this
+was Gilray's chance. As soon as he saw her comfortably settled, he
+pulled a long face and climbed on deck. There he walked up and down,
+trying to look the image of despair. When she made some remark to
+him, his plan was to show that, though he answered cordially, his
+cheerfulness was the result of a terrible inward struggle. He did
+contrive to accomplish this if he was waiting for her observation; but
+she sometimes took him unawares, starting a subject in which he was
+interested. Then, forgetting his character, he would talk eagerly
+or jest with her across the strip of water, until with a start he
+remembered what he had become. He would seek to recover himself after
+that; but of course it was too late to create a really lasting
+impression. Even when she left him alone, watching him, I fear, over
+the top of her novel, he disappointed himself. For five minutes or so
+everything would go well; he looked as dejected as possible; but as he
+fell he was succeeding he became so self-satisfied that he began to
+strut. A pleased expression crossed his face, and instead of allowing
+his head to hang dismally, he put it well back. Sometimes, when we
+wanted to please him, we said he looked as glum as a mute at a funeral.
+Even that, however, defeated his object, for it flattered him so much
+that he smiled with gratification.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Gilray made one great sacrifice by giving up smoking, though not indeed
+such a sacrifice as mine, for up to this time he did not know the
+Arcadia Mixture. Perhaps the only time he really did look as miserable
+as he wished was late at night when we men sat up for a second last pipe
+before turning in. He looked wistfully at us from a corner. Yet as She
+had gone to rest, cruel fate made this of little account. His gloomy
+face saddened us too, and we tried to entice him to shame by promising
+not to mention it to the ladies. He almost yielded, and showed us that
+while we smoked he had been holding his empty brier in his right hand.
+For a moment he hesitated, then said fiercely that he did not care for
+smoking. Next night he was shown a novel, the hero of which had been
+"refused." Though the lady's hard-heartedness had a terrible effect on
+this fine fellow, he "strode away blowing great clouds into the air."
+"Standing there smoking in the moonlight," the authoress says in her
+next chapter, "De Courcy was a strangely romantic figure. He looked like
+a man who had done everything, who had been through the furnace and had
+not come out of it unscathed." This was precisely what Gilray wanted to
+look like. Again he hesitated, and then put his pipe in his pocket.
+
+It was now that I approached him with the Arcadia Mixture. I seldom
+recommend the Arcadia to men whom I do not know intimately, lest in
+the after-years I should find them unworthy of it. But just as Aladdin
+doubtless rubbed his lamp at times for show, there were occasions when
+I was ostentatiously liberal. If, after trying the Arcadia, the lucky
+smoker to whom I presented it did not start or seize my hand, or
+otherwise show that something exquisite had come into his life, I at
+once forgot his name and his existence. I approached Gilray, then,
+and without a word handed him my pouch, while the others drew nearer.
+Nothing was to be heard but the water oozing out and in beneath the
+house-boat. Gilray pushed the tobacco from him, as he might have pushed
+a bag of diamonds that he mistook for pebbles. I placed it against his
+arm, and motioned to the others not to look. Then I sat down beside
+Gilray, and almost smoked into his eyes. Soon the aroma reached him,
+and rapture struggled into his face. Slowly his fingers fastened on the
+pouch. He filled his pipe without knowing what he was doing, and I
+handed him a lighted spill. He took perhaps three puffs, and then gave
+me a look of reverence that I know well. It only comes to a man once in
+all its glory--the first time he tries the Arcadia Mixture--but it never
+altogether leaves him.
+
+"Where do you get it?" Gilray whispered, in hoarse delight.
+
+The Arcadia had him for its own.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+MARRIOT.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have hinted that Marriot was our sentimental member. He was seldom
+sentimental until after midnight, and then only when he and I were
+alone. Why he should have chosen me as the pail into which to pour his
+troubles I cannot say. I let him talk on, and when he had ended I showed
+him plainly that I had been thinking most of the time about something
+else. Whether Marriot was entirely a humbug or the most conscientious
+person on our stair, readers may decide. He was fond of argument if you
+did not answer him, and often wanted me to tell him if I thought he was
+in love; if so, why did I think so; if not, why not. What makes me on
+reflection fancy that he was sincere is that in his statements he would
+let his pipe go out.
+
+Of course I cannot give his words, but he would wait till all my other
+guests had gone, then softly lock the door, and returning to the cane
+chair empty himself in some such way as this:
+
+"I have something I want to talk to you about. Pass me a spill. Well, it
+is this. Before I came to your rooms to-night I was cleaning my pipe,
+when all at once it struck me that I might be in love. This is the kind
+of shock that pulls a man up and together. My first thought was, if it
+be love, well and good; I shall go on. As a gentleman I know my duty
+both to her and to myself. At present, however, I am not certain which
+she is. In love there are no degrees; of that at least I feel positive.
+It is a tempestuous, surging passion, or it is nothing. The question for
+me, therefore, is, Is this the beginning of a tempestuous, surging
+passion? But stop; does such a passion have a beginning? Should it not
+be in flood before we know what we are about? I don't want you to
+answer.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"One of my difficulties is that I cannot reason from experience. I
+cannot say to myself, During the spring of 1886, and again in October,
+1888, your breast has known the insurgence of a tempestuous passion. Do
+you now note the same symptoms? Have you experienced a sudden sinking
+at the heart, followed by thrills of exultation? Now I cannot even say
+that my appetite has fallen off, but I am smoking more than ever, and it
+is notorious that I experience sudden chills and thrills. Is this
+passion? No, I am not done; I have only begun.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"In 'As You Like It,' you remember, the love symptoms are described at
+length. But is _Rosalind_ to be taken seriously? Besides, though
+she wore boy's clothes, she had only the woman's point of view. I have
+consulted Stevenson's chapters on love in his delightful 'Virginibus
+Puerisque,' and one of them says, 'Certainly, if I could help it, I
+would never marry a wife who wrote.' Then I noticed a book published
+after that one, and entitled 'The New Arabian Nights, by Mr. and Mrs.
+Robert Louis Stevenson.' I shut 'Virginibus Puerisque' with a sigh, and
+put it away.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"But this inquiry need not, I feel confident, lead to nothing.
+Negatively I know love; for I do not require to be told what it is not,
+and I have my ideal. Putting my knowledge together and surveying it
+dispassionately in the mass, I am inclined to think that this is really
+love.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I may lay down as Proposition I. that surging, tempestuous passion
+comes involuntarily. You are heart-whole, when, as it were, the gates
+of your bosom open, in she sweeps, and the gates close. So far this is
+a faithful description of my case. Whatever it is, it came without any
+desire or volition on my part, and it looks as if it meant to stay. What
+I ask myself is--first, What is it? secondly, Where is it? thirdly, Who
+is it? and fourthly, What shall I do with it? I have thus my work cut
+out for me.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"What is it? I reply that I am stumped at once, unless I am allowed to
+fix upon an object definitely and precisely. This, no doubt, is arguing
+in a circle; but Descartes himself assumed what he was to try to prove.
+This, then, being permitted, I have chosen my object, and we can now go
+on again. What is it? Some might evade the difficulty by taking a middle
+course. You are not, they might say, in love as yet, but you are on
+the brink of it. The lady is no idol to you at present, but neither is
+she indifferent. You would not walk four miles in wet weather to get
+a rose from her; but if she did present you with a rose, you would not
+wittingly drop it down an area. In short, you have all but lost your
+heart. To this I reply simply, love is not a process, it is an event.
+You may unconsciously be on the brink of it, when all at once the ground
+gives way beneath you, and in you go. The difference between love and
+not-love, if I may be allowed the word, being so wide, my inquiry should
+produce decisive results. On the whole, therefore, and in the absence of
+direct proof to the contrary, I believe that the passion of love does
+possess me.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Where is it? This is the simplest question of the four. It is in the
+heart. It fills the heart to overflowing, so that if there were one drop
+more the heart would run over. Love is thus plainly a liquid: which
+accounts to some extent for its well-recognized habit of surging. Among
+its effects this may be noted: that it makes you miserable if you be
+not by the loved one's side. To hold her hand is ecstasy, to press it,
+rapture. The fond lover--as it might be myself--sees his beloved depart
+on a railway journey with apprehension. He never ceases to remember that
+engines burst and trains run off the line. In an agony he awaits the
+telegram that tells him she has reached Shepherd's Bush in safety.
+When he sees her talking, as if she liked it, to another man, he is
+torn, he is rent asunder, he is dismembered by jealousy. He walks beneath
+her window till the policeman sees him home; and when he wakes in the
+morning, it is to murmur her name to himself until he falls asleep again
+and is late for the office. Well, do I experience such sensations, or do
+I not? Is this love, after all? Where are the spills?
+
+"I have been taking for granted that I know who it is. But is this
+wise? Nothing puzzles me so much as the way some men seem to know, by
+intuition, as it were, which is the woman for whom they have a passion.
+They take a girl from among their acquaintance, and never seem to
+understand that they may be taking the wrong one. However, with certain
+reservations, I do not think I go too far in saying that I know who she
+is. There is one other, indeed, that I have sometimes thought--but it
+fortunately happens that they are related, so that in any case I cannot
+go far wrong. After I have seen them again, or at least before I
+propose, I shall decide definitely on this point.
+
+"We have now advanced as far as Query IV. Now, what is to be done? Let
+us consider this calmly. In the first place, have I any option in the
+matter, or is love a hurricane that carries one hither and thither as
+a bottle is tossed in a chopping sea? I reply that it all depends on
+myself. Rosalind would say no; that we are without control over love.
+But Rosalind was a woman. It is probably true that a woman cannot
+conquer love. Man, being her ideal in the abstract, is irresistible to
+her in the concrete. But man, being an intellectual creature, can make
+a magnificent effort and cast love out. Should I think it advisable,
+I do not question my ability to open the gates of my heart and bid her
+go. That would be a serious thing for her; and, as man is powerful, so,
+I think, should he be merciful. She has, no doubt, gained admittance,
+as it were, furtively; but can I, as a gentleman, send away a weak,
+confiding woman who loves me simply because she cannot help it?
+Nay, more, in a pathetic case of this kind, have I not a certain
+responsibility? Does not her attachment to me give her a claim upon me?
+She saw me, and love came to her. She looks upon me as the noblest and
+best of my sex. I do not say I am; it may be that I am not. But I have
+the child's happiness in my hands; can I trample it beneath my feet? It
+seems to be my plain duty to take her to me.
+
+"But there are others to consider. For me, would it not be the better
+part to show her that the greatest happiness of the greatest number
+should be my first consideration? Certainly there is nothing in a man I
+despise more than conceit in affairs of this sort. When I hear one of my
+sex boasting of his 'conquests,' I turn from him in disgust. 'Conquest'
+implies effort; and to lay one's self out for victories over the other
+sex always reminds me of pigeon-shooting. On the other hand, we must
+make allowances for our position of advantage. These little ones
+come into contact with us; they see us, athletic, beautiful, in the
+hunting-field or at the wicket; they sit beside us at dinner and listen
+to our brilliant conversation. They have met us, and the mischief is
+done. Every man--except, perhaps, yourself and Jimmy--knows the names
+of a few dear girls who have lost their hearts to him--some more, some
+less. I do not pretend to be in a different position from my neighbors,
+or in a better one. To some slight extent I may be to blame. But, after
+all, when a man sees cheeks redden and eyes brighten at his approach,
+he loses prudence. At the time he does not think what may be the
+consequences. But the day comes when he sees that he must take heed what
+he is about. He communes with himself about the future, and if he be a
+man of honor he maps out in his mind the several courses it is allowed
+him to follow, and chooses that one which he may tread with least pain
+to others. May that day for introspection come to few as it has come to
+me. Love is, indeed, a madness in the brain. Good-night."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When he finished I would wake up, open the door for Marriot, and light
+him to his sleeping-chamber with a spill.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+JIMMY.
+
+
+With the exception of myself, Jimmy Moggridge was no doubt the most
+silent of the company that met so frequently in my rooms. Just as
+Marriot's eyebrows rose if the cane chair was not empty when he strode
+in, Jimmy held that he had a right to the hearth-rug, on which he loved
+to lie prone, his back turned to the company and his eyes on his pipe.
+The stem was a long cherry-wood, but the bowl was meerschaum, and Jimmy,
+as he smoked, lay on the alert, as it were, to see the meerschaum
+coloring. So one may strain his eyes with intent eagerness until he can
+catch the hour-hand of a watch in action. With tobacco in his pocket
+Jimmy could refill his pipe without moving, but sometimes he crawled
+along the hearth-rug to let the fire-light play more exquisitely on his
+meerschaum bowl. In time, of course, the Arcadia Mixture made him more
+and more like the rest of us, but he retained his individuality until he
+let his bowl fall off. Otherwise he only differed from us in one way.
+When he saw a match-box he always extracted a few matches and put them
+dreamily into his pocket. There were times when, with a sharp blow on
+Jimmy's person, we could doubtless have had him blazing like a
+chandelier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Jimmy was a barrister--though this is scarcely worth mentioning--and
+it had been known to us for years that he made a living by contributing
+to the _Saturday Review_. How the secret leaked out I cannot say with
+certainty. Jimmy never forced it upon us, and I cannot remember any
+paragraphs in the London correspondence of the provincial papers
+coupling his name with _Saturday_ articles. On the other hand, I
+distinctly recall having to wait one day in his chambers while Jimmy was
+shaving, and noticing accidentally a long, bulky envelope on his table,
+with the _Saturday Review's_ mystic crest on it. It was addressed
+to Jimmy, and contained, I concluded, a bundle of proofs. That was
+so long ago as 1885. If further evidence is required, there is the
+undoubted fact, to which several of us could take oath, that, at Oxford,
+Jimmy was notorious for his sarcastic pen--nearly being sent down,
+indeed, for the same. Again, there was the certainty that for years
+Jimmy had been engaged upon literary work of some kind. We had been
+with him buying the largest-sized scribbling paper in the market; we
+had heard him muttering to himself as if in pain: and we had seen him
+correcting proof-sheets. When we caught him at them he always thrust the
+proofs into a drawer which he locked by putting his leg on it--for the
+ordinary lock was broken--and remaining in that position till we had
+retired. Though he rather shunned the subject as a rule, he admitted
+to us that the work was journalism and not a sarcastic history of the
+nineteenth century, on which we felt he would come out strong. Lastly,
+Jimmy had lost the brightness of his youth, and was become silent and
+moody, which is well known to be the result of writing satire.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Were it not so notorious that the thousands who write regularly for the
+_Saturday_ have reasons of their own for keeping it dark and merely
+admitting the impeachment with a nod or smile, we might have marvelled
+at Jimmy's reticence. There were, however, moments when he thawed so
+far as practically to allow, and every one knows what that means, that
+the _Saturday_ was his chief source of income. "Only," he would
+add, "should you be acquainted with the editor, don't mention my
+contributions to him." From this we saw that Jimmy and the editor had an
+understanding on the subject, though we were never agreed which of them
+it was who had sworn the other to secrecy. We were proud of Jimmy's
+connection with the press, and every week we discussed his latest
+article. Jimmy never told us, except in a roundabout way, which were his
+articles; but we knew his style, and it was quite exhilarating to pick
+out his contributions week by week. We were never baffled, for "Jimmy's
+touches" were unmistakable; and "Have you seen Jimmy this week in
+the _Saturday_ on Lewis Morris?" or, "I say, do you think Buchanan
+knows it was Jimmy who wrote that?" was what we said when we had lighted
+our pipes.
+
+Now I come to the incident that drew from Jimmy his extraordinary
+statement. I was smoking with him in his rooms one evening, when a
+clatter at his door was followed by a thud on the floor. I knew as
+well as Jimmy what had happened. In his pre-_Saturday_ days he had
+no letter-box, only a slit in the door; and through this we used to
+denounce him on certain occasions when we called and he would not let us
+in. Lately, however, he had fitted up a letter-box himself, which kept
+together if you opened the door gently, but came clattering to the floor
+under the weight of heavy letters. The letter to which it had succumbed
+this evening was quite a package, and could even have been used as a
+missile. Jimmy snatched it up quickly, evidently knowing the contents
+by their bulk; and I was just saying to myself, "More proofs from the
+_Saturday_," when the letter burst at the bottom, and in a moment a
+score of smaller letters were tumbling about my feet. In vain did
+Jimmy entreat me to let him gather them up. I helped, and saw, to my
+bewilderment, that all the letters were addressed in childish hands
+to "Uncle Jim, care of Editor of _Mothers Pets_." It was impossible
+that Jimmy could have so many nephews and nieces.
+
+Seeing that I had him, Jimmy advanced to the hearth-rug as if about to
+make his statement; then changed his mind and, thrusting a dozen of the
+letters into my hands, invited me to read. The first letter ran:
+"Dearest Uncle Jim,--I must tell you about my canary. I love my canary
+very much. It is a yellow canary, and it sings so sweetly. I keep it in
+a cage, and it is so tame. Mamma and me wishes you would come and see us
+and our canary. Dear Uncle Jim, I love you.--Your little friend, Milly
+(aged four years)." Here is the second: "Dear Uncle Jim,--You will want
+to know about my blackbird. It sits in a tree and picks up the crumbs
+on the window, and Thomas wants to shoot it for eating the cherries;
+but I won't let Thomas shoot it, for it is a nice blackbird, and I have
+wrote all this myself.--Your loving little Bobby (aged five years)."
+In another, Jacky (aged four and a half) described his parrot, and I
+have also vague recollections of Harry (aged six) on his chaffinch, and
+Archie (five) on his linnet. "What does it mean?" I demanded of Jimmy,
+who, while I read, had been smoking savagely. "Don't you see that they
+are in for the prize?" he growled. Then he made his statement.
+
+"I have never," Jimmy said, "contributed to the _Saturday_, nor,
+indeed, to any well-known paper. That, however, was only because the
+editors would not meet me half-way. After many disappointments,
+fortune--whether good or bad I cannot say--introduced me to the
+editor of _Mothers Pets_, a weekly journal whose title sufficiently
+suggests its character. Though you may never have heard of it,
+_Mothers Pets_ has a wide circulation and is a great property. I
+was asked to join the staff under the name of 'Uncle Jim,' and did not
+see my way to refuse. I inaugurated a new feature. Mothers' pets were
+cordially invited to correspond with me on topics to be suggested week
+by week, and prizes were to be given for the best letters. This feature
+has been an enormous success, and I get the most affectionate letters
+from mothers, consulting me about teething and the like, every week.
+They say that I am dearer to their children than most real uncles, and
+they often urge me to go and stay with them. There are lots of kisses
+awaiting me. I also get similar invitations from the little beasts
+themselves. Pass the Arcadia."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+SCRYMGEOUR.
+
+
+Scrymgeour was an artist and a man of means, so proud of his profession
+that he gave all his pictures fancy prices, and so wealthy that he could
+have bought them. To him I went when I wanted money--though it must not
+be thought that I borrowed. In the days of the Arcadia Mixture I had
+no bank account. As my checks dribbled in I stuffed them into a torn
+leather case that was kept together by a piece of twine, and when Want
+tapped at my chamber door, I drew out the check that seemed most willing
+to come, and exchanged with Scrymgeour. In his detestation of argument
+Scrymgeour resembled myself, but otherwise we differed as much as men
+may differ who smoke the Arcadia. He read little, yet surprised us by a
+smattering of knowledge about all important books that had been out for
+a few months, until we discovered that he got his information from a
+friend in India. He had also, I remember, a romantic notion that Africa
+might be civilized by the Arcadia Mixture. As I shall explain presently,
+his devotion to the Arcadia very nearly married him against his will;
+but first I must describe his boudoir.
+
+We always called it Scrymgeour's boudoir after it had ceased to deserve
+the censure, just as we called Moggridge Jimmy because he was Jimmy to
+some of us as a boy. Scrymgeour deserted his fine rooms in Bayswater for
+the inn some months after the Arcadia Mixture had reconstructed him, but
+his chambers were the best on our stair, and with the help of a workman
+from the Japanese Village he converted them into an Oriental dream. Our
+housekeeper thought little of the rest of us while the boudoir was
+there to be gazed at, and even William John would not spill the coffee
+in it. When the boudoir was ready for inspection, Scrymgeour led me to
+it, and as the door opened I suddenly remembered that my boots were
+muddy. The ceiling was a great Japanese Christmas card representing the
+heavens; heavy clouds floated round a pale moon, and with the dusk the
+stars came out. The walls, instead of being papered, were hung with a
+soft Japanese cloth, and fantastic figures frolicked round a fireplace
+that held a bamboo fan. There was no mantelpiece. The room was very
+small; but when you wanted a blue velvet desk to write on, you had only
+to press a spring against the wall; and if you leaned upon the desk the
+Japanese workmen were ready to make you a new one. There were springs
+everywhere, shaped like birds and mice and butterflies; and when you
+touched one of them something was sure to come out. Blood-colored
+curtains separated the room from the alcove where Scrymgeour was to rest
+by night, and his bed became a bath by simply turning it upside down. On
+one side of the bed was a wine-bin, with a ladder running up to it. The
+door of the sitting-room was a symphony in gray, with shadowy reptiles
+crawling across the panels; and the floor--dark, mysterious--presented
+a fanciful picture of the infernal regions. Scrymgeour said hopefully
+that the place would look cozier after he had his pictures in it; but he
+stopped me when I began to fill my pipe. He believed, he said, that
+smoking was not a Japanese custom; and there was no use taking Japanese
+chambers unless you lived up to them. Here was a revelation. Scrymgeour
+proposed to live his life in harmony with these rooms. I felt too sad at
+heart to say much to him then, but, promising to look in again soon, I
+shook hands with my unhappy friend and went away.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It happened, however, that Scrymgeour had been several times in my rooms
+before I was able to visit him again. My hand was on his door-bell when
+I noticed a figure I thought I knew lounging at the foot of the stair.
+It was Scrymgeour himself, and he was smoking the Arcadia. We greeted
+each other languidly on the doorstep, Scrymgeour assuring me that "Japan
+in London" was a grand idea. It gave a zest to life, banishing the poor,
+weary conventionalities of one's surroundings. This was said while we
+still stood at the door, and I began to wonder why Scrymgeour did not
+enter his rooms. "A beautiful night," he said, rapturously. A cruel east
+wind was blowing. He insisted that evening was the time for thinking,
+and that east winds brace you up. Would I have a cigar? I would if he
+asked me inside to smoke it. My friend sighed. "I thought I told you,"
+he said, "that I don't smoke in my chambers. It isn't the thing." Then
+he explained, hesitatingly, that he hadn't given up smoking. "I come
+down here," he said, "with my pipe, and walk up and down. I assure you
+it is quite a new sensation, and I much prefer it to lolling in an
+easy-chair." The poor fellow shivered as he spoke, and I noticed that
+his great-coat was tightly buttoned up to the throat. He had a hacking
+cough and his teeth were chattering. "Let us go in," I said; "I don't
+want to smoke." He knocked the ashes out of his pipe, and opened his
+door with an affectation of gayety.
+
+The room looked somewhat more home-like now, but it was very cold.
+Scrymgeour had no fire yet. He had been told that the smoke would
+blacken his moon. Besides, I question if he would have dared to remove
+the fan from the fireplace without consulting a Japanese authority. He
+did not even know whether the Japanese burned coal. I missed a number of
+the articles of furniture that had graced his former rooms. The easels
+were gone; there were none of the old canvases standing against the
+wall, and he had exchanged his comfortable, plain old screen for one
+with lizards crawling over it. "It would never have done," he explained,
+"to spoil the room with English things, so I got in some more Japanese
+furniture."
+
+I asked him if he had sold his canvases; whereupon he signed me
+to follow him to the wine-bin. It was full of them. There were no
+newspapers lying about; but Scrymgeour hoped to manage to take one in
+by and by. He was only feeling his way at present, he said. In the dim
+light shed by a Japanese lamp, I tripped over a rainbow-colored slipper
+that tapered to the heel and turned up at the toe. "I wonder you can get
+into these things," I whispered, for the place depressed me; and he
+answered, with similar caution, that he couldn't. "I keep them lying
+about," he said, confidentially; "but after I think nobody is likely
+to call I put on an old pair of English ones." At this point the
+housekeeper knocked at the door, and Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat
+into a Japanese dressing-gown before he cried "Come in!" As I left I
+asked him how he felt now, and he said that he had never been so happy
+in his life. But his hand was hot, and he did not look me in the face.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Nearly a month elapsed before I looked in again. The unfortunate man had
+now a Japanese rug over his legs to keep out the cold, and he was gazing
+dejectedly at an outlandish mess which he called his lunch. He insisted
+that it was not at all bad; but it had evidently been on the table some
+time when I called, and he had not even tasted it. He ordered coffee for
+my benefit, but I do not care for coffee that has salt in it instead of
+sugar. I said that I had merely looked in to ask him to an early dinner
+at the club, and it was touching to see how he grasped at the idea. So
+complete, however, was his subjection to that terrible housekeeper, who
+believed in his fad, that he dared not send back her dishes untasted.
+As a compromise I suggested that he could wrap up some of the stuff
+in paper and drop it quietly into the gutter. We sallied forth, and
+I found him so weak that he had to be assisted into a hansom. He still
+maintained, however, that Japanese chambers were worth making some
+sacrifice for; and when the other Arcadians saw his condition they had
+the delicacy not to contradict him. They thought it was consumption.
+
+If we had not taken Scrymgeour in hand I dare not think what his craze
+might have reduced him to. A friend asked him into the country for ten
+days, and of course he was glad to go. As it happened, my chambers were
+being repapered at the time, and Scrymgeour gave me permission to occupy
+his rooms until his return. The other Arcadians agreed to meet me there
+nightly, and they were indefatigable in their efforts to put the boudoir
+to rights. Jimmy wrote letters to editors, of a most cutting nature, on
+the moon, breaking the table as he stepped on and off it, and we gave
+the butterflies to William John. The reptiles had to crawl off the door,
+and we made pipe-lights of the Japanese fans. Marriot shot the candles
+at the mice and birds; and Gilray, by improvising an entertainment
+behind the blood-red curtains, contrived to give them the dilapidated
+appearance without which there is no real comfort. In short, the boudoir
+soon assumed such a homely aspect that Scrymgeour on his return did not
+recognize it. When he realized where he was he lighted up at once.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+HIS WIFE'S CIGARS.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Though Pettigrew, who is a much more successful journalist than Jimmy,
+says pointedly of his wife that she encourages his smoking instead of
+putting an end to it, I happen to know that he has cupboard skeletons.
+Pettigrew has been married for years, and frequently boasted of his
+wife's interest in smoking, until one night an accident revealed the
+true state of matters to me. Late in the night, when traffic is hushed
+and the river has at last a chance of making itself heard, Pettigrew's
+window opens cautiously, and he casts something wrapped in newspaper
+into the night. The window is then softly closed, and all is again
+quiet. At other times Pettigrew steals along the curb-stone, dropping his
+skeletons one by one. Nevertheless, his cupboard beneath the bookcase is
+so crammed that he dreams the lock has given way. The key is always in
+his pocket, yet when his children approach the cupboard he orders them
+away, so fearful is he of something happening. When his wife has retired
+he sometimes unlocks the cupboard with nervous hand, when the door
+bursts gladly open, and the things roll on to the carpet. They are the
+cigars his wife gives him as birthday presents, on the anniversary of
+his marriage, and at other times, and such a model wife is she that he
+would do anything for her except smoke them. They are Celebros, Regalia
+Rothschilds, twelve and six the hundred. I discovered Pettigrew's secret
+one night, when, as I was passing his house, a packet of Celebros
+alighted on my head. I demanded an explanation, and I got it on the
+promise that I would not mention the matter to the other Arcadians.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Several years having elapsed," said Pettigrew, "since I pretended to
+smoke and enjoy my first Celebro, I could not now undeceive my wife--it
+would be such a blow to her. At the time it could have been done easily.
+She began by making trial of a few. There were seven of them in an
+envelope; and I knew at once that she had got them for a shilling. She
+had heard me saying that eightpence is a sad price to pay for a cigar--I
+prefer them at tenpence--and a few days afterward she produced her first
+Celebros. Each of them had, and has, a gold ribbon round it, bearing the
+legend, 'Non plus ultra.' She was shy and timid at that time, and I
+thought it very brave of her to go into the shop herself and ask for
+the Celebros, as advertised; so I thanked her warmly. When she saw me
+slipping them into my pocket she looked disappointed, and said that she
+would like to see me smoking one. My reply would have been that I never
+cared to smoke in the open air, if she had not often seen me do so.
+Besides, I wanted to please her very much; and if what I did was weak I
+have been severely punished for it. The pocket into which I had thrust
+the Celebros also contained my cigar-case; and with my hand in the
+pocket I covertly felt for a Villar y Villar and squeezed it into the
+envelope. This I then drew forth, took out the cigar, as distinguished
+from the Celebros, and smoked it with unfeigned content. My wife watched
+me eagerly, asking six or eight times how I liked it. From the way she
+talked of fine rich bouquet and nutty flavor I gathered that she had
+been in conversation with the tobacconist, and I told her the cigars
+were excellent. Yes, they were as choice a brand as I had ever smoked.
+She clapped her hands joyously at that, and said that if she had not
+made up her mind never to do so she would tell me what they cost. Next
+she asked me to guess the price; I answered eighty shillings a hundred;
+and then she confessed that she got the seven for a shilling. On our way
+home she made arch remarks about men who judged cigars simply by their
+price. I laughed gayly in reply, begging her not to be too hard on me;
+and I did not even feel uneasy when she remarked that of course I would
+never buy those horridly expensive Villar y Villars again. When I left
+her I gave the Celebros to an acquaintance against whom I had long had
+a grudge--we have not spoken since--but I preserved the envelope as a
+pretty keepsake. This, you see, happened shortly before our marriage.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I have had a consignment of Celebros every month or two since then,
+and, dispose of them quietly as I may, they are accumulating in the
+cupboard. I despise myself; but my guile was kindly meant at first,
+and every thoughtful man will see the difficulties in the way of a
+confession now. Who can say what might happen if I were to fling that
+cupboard door open in presence of my wife? I smoke less than I used
+to do; for if I were to buy my cigars by the box I could not get them
+smuggled into the house. Besides, she would know--I don't say how, I
+merely make the statement--that I had been buying cigars. So I get half
+a dozen at a time. Perhaps you will sympathize with me when I say that
+I have had to abandon my favorite brand. I cannot get Villar y Villars
+that look like Celebros, and my wife is quicker in those matters than
+she used to be. One day, for instance, she noticed that the cigars in
+my case had not the gold ribbon round them, and I almost fancied she
+became suspicious. I explained that the ribbon was perhaps a little
+ostentatious; but she said it was an intimation of nutty flavor: and
+now I take ribbons off the Celebros and put them on the other cigars.
+The boxes in which the Celebros arrive have a picturesque design on the
+lid and a good deal of lace frilling round the edge, and she likes to
+have a box lying about. The top layer of that box is cigars in gold
+ribbons, placed there by myself, and underneath are the Celebros. I
+never get down to the Celebros.
+
+"For a long time my secret was locked in my breast as carefully as I
+shall lock my next week's gift away in the cupboard, if I can find room
+for it; but a few of my most intimate friends have an inkling of it now.
+When my friends drop in I am compelled to push the Celebro box toward
+them, and if they would simply take a cigar and ask no questions all
+would be well; for, as I have said, there are cigars on the top. But
+they spoil everything by remarking that they have not seen the brand
+before. Should my wife not be present this is immaterial, for I have
+long had a reputation of keeping good cigars. Then I merely remark that
+it is a new brand; and they smoke, probably observing that it reminds
+them of a Cabana, which is natural, seeing that it is a Cabana in
+disguise. If my wife is present, however, she comes forward smiling, and
+remarks, with a fond look in my direction, that they are her birthday
+present to her Jack. Then they start back and say they always smoke
+a pipe. These Celebros were making me a bad name among my friends, so
+I have given a few of them to understand--I don't care to put it more
+plainly--that if they will take a cigar from the top layer they will
+find it all right. One of them, however, has a personal ill-will to me
+because my wife told his wife that I preferred Celebro cigars at twelve
+and six a hundred to any other. Now he is expected to smoke the same;
+and he takes his revenge by ostentatiously offering me a Celebro when
+I call on him."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+GILRAY'S FLOWER-POT.
+
+
+I charge Gilray's unreasonableness to his ignoble passion for
+cigarettes; and the story of his flower-pot has therefore an obvious
+moral. The want of dignity he displayed about that flower-pot, on his
+return to London, would have made any one sorry for him. I had my own
+work to look after, and really could not be tending his chrysanthemum
+all day. After he came back, however, there was no reasoning with him,
+and I admit that I never did water his plant, though always intending
+to do so.
+
+The great mistake was in not leaving the flower-pot in charge of William
+John. No doubt I readily promised to attend to it, but Gilray deceived
+me by speaking as if the watering of a plant was the merest pastime. He
+had to leave London for a short provincial tour, and, as I see now, took
+advantage of my good nature.
+
+As Gilray had owned his flower-pot for several months, during which time
+(I take him at his word) he had watered it daily, he must have known
+he was misleading me. He said that you got into the way of watering
+a flower-pot regularly just as you wind up your watch. That certainly
+is not the case. I always wind up my watch, and I never watered the
+flower-pot. Of course, if I had been living in Gilray's rooms with the
+thing always before my eyes I might have done so. I proposed to take it
+into my chambers at the time, but he would not hear of that. Why? How
+Gilray came by this chrysanthemum I do not inquire; but whether, in the
+circumstances, he should not have made a clean breast of it to me is
+another matter. Undoubtedly it was an unusual thing to put a man to
+the trouble of watering a chrysanthemum daily without giving him its
+history. My own belief has always been that he got it in exchange for a
+pair of boots and his old dressing-gown. He hints that it was a present;
+but, as one who knows him well, I may say that he is the last person a
+lady would be likely to give a chrysanthemum to. Besides, if he was so
+proud of the plant he should have stayed at home and watered it himself.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He says that I never meant to water it, which is not only a mistake, but
+unkind. My plan was to run downstairs immediately after dinner every
+evening and give it a thorough watering. One thing or another, however,
+came in the way. I often remembered about the chrysanthemum while I was
+in the office; but even Gilray could hardly have expected me to ask
+leave of absence merely to run home and water his plant. You must draw
+the line somewhere, even in a government office. When I reached home I
+was tired, inclined to take things easily, and not at all in a proper
+condition for watering flower-pots. Then Arcadians would drop in. I put
+it to any sensible man or woman, could I have been expected to give up
+my friends for the sake of a chrysanthemum? Again, it was my custom of
+an evening, if not disturbed, to retire with my pipe into my cane chair,
+and there pass the hours communing with great minds, or, when the mood
+was on me, trifling with a novel. Often when I was in the middle of a
+chapter Gilray's flower-pot stood up before my eyes crying for water.
+He does not believe this, but it is the solemn truth. At those moments
+it was touch and go, whether I watered his chrysanthemum or not. Where
+I lost myself was in not hurrying to his rooms at once with a tumbler.
+I said to myself that I would go when I had finished my pipe, but by that
+time the flower-pot had escaped my memory. This may have been weakness;
+all I know is that I should have saved myself much annoyance if I had
+risen and watered the chrysanthemum there and then. But would it not
+have been rather hard on me to have had to forsake my books for the sake
+of Gilray's flowers and flower-pots and plants and things? What right
+has a man to go and make a garden of his chambers?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+All the three weeks he was away, Gilray kept pestering me with letters
+about his chrysanthemum. He seemed to have no faith in me--a detestable
+thing in a man who calls himself your friend. I had promised to water
+his flower-pot; and between friends a promise is surely sufficient. It
+is not so, however, when Gilray is one of them. I soon hated the sight
+of my name in his handwriting. It was not as if he had said outright
+that he wrote entirely to know whether I was watering his plant.
+His references to it were introduced with all the appearance of
+afterthoughts. Often they took the form of postscripts: "By the way,
+are you watering my chrysanthemum?" or, "The chrysanthemum ought to be
+a beauty by this time;" or, "You must be quite an adept now at watering
+plants." Gilray declares now that, in answer to one of these ingenious
+epistles, I wrote to him saying that "I had just been watering his
+chrysanthemum." My belief is that I did no such thing; or, if I did,
+I meant to water it as soon as I had finished my letter. He has never
+been able to bring this home to me, he says, because he burned my
+correspondence. As if a business man would destroy such a letter.
+It was yet more annoying when Gilray took to post-cards. To hear the
+postman's knock and then discover, when you are expecting an important
+communication, that it is only a post-card about a flower-pot--that is
+really too bad. And then I consider that some of the post-cards bordered
+upon insult. One of them said, "What about chrysanthemum?--reply at
+once." This was just like Gilray's overbearing way; but I answered
+politely, and so far as I knew, truthfully, "Chrysanthemum all right."
+
+Knowing that there was no explaining things to Gilray, I redoubled my
+exertions to water his flower-pot as the day for his return drew near.
+Once, indeed, when I rang for water, I could not for the life of me
+remember what I wanted it for when it was brought. Had I had any
+forethought I should have left the tumbler stand just as it was to
+show it to Gilray on his return. But, unfortunately, William John had
+misunderstood what I wanted the water for, and put a decanter down
+beside it. Another time I was actually on the stair rushing to Gilray's
+door, when I met the housekeeper, and, stopping to talk to her, lost
+my opportunity again. To show how honestly anxious I was to fulfil
+my promise, I need only add that I was several times awakened in the
+watches of the night by a haunting consciousness that I had forgotten
+to water Gilray's flower-pot. On these occasions I spared no trouble
+to remember again in the morning. I reached out of bed to a chair and
+turned it upside down, so that the sight of it when I rose might remind
+me that I had something to do. With the same object I crossed the tongs
+and poker on the floor. Gilray maintains that instead of playing "fool's
+tricks" like these ("fool's tricks!") I should have got up and gone
+at once to his rooms with my water-bottle. What? and disturbed my
+neighbors? Besides, could I reasonably be expected to risk catching my
+death of cold for the sake of a wretched chrysanthemum? One reads of men
+doing such things for young ladies who seek lilies in dangerous ponds or
+edelweiss on overhanging cliffs. But Gilray was not my sweetheart, nor,
+I feel certain, any other person's.
+
+I come now to the day prior to Gilray's return. I had just reached the
+office when I remembered about the chrysanthemum. It was my last chance.
+If I watered it once I should be in a position to state that, whatever
+condition it might be in, I had certainly been watering it. I jumped
+into a hansom, told the cabby to drive to the inn, and twenty minutes
+afterward had one hand on Gilray's door, while the other held the
+largest water-can in the house. Opening the door I rushed in. The can
+nearly fell from my hand. There was no flower-pot! I rang the bell. "Mr.
+Gilray's chrysanthemum!" I cried. What do you think William John said?
+He coolly told me that the plant was dead, and had been flung out days
+ago. I went to the theatre that night to keep myself from thinking. All
+next day I contrived to remain out of Gilray's sight. When we met he was
+stiff and polite. He did not say a word about the chrysanthemum for a
+week, and then it all came out with a rush. I let him talk. With the
+servants flinging out the flower-pots faster than I could water them,
+what more could I have done? A coolness between us was inevitable. This
+I regretted, but my mind was made up on one point: I would never do
+Gilray a favor again.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+THE GRANDEST SCENE IN HISTORY.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Though Scrymgeour only painted in watercolors, I think--I never looked
+at his pictures--he had one superb idea, which we often advised him to
+carry out. When he first mentioned it the room became comparatively
+animated, so much struck were we all, and we entreated him to retire to
+Stratford for a few months, before beginning the picture. His idea was
+to paint Shakespeare smoking his first pipe of the Arcadia Mixture.
+
+Many hundreds of volumes have been written about the glories of the
+Elizabethan age, the sublime period in our history. Then were Englishmen
+on fire to do immortal deeds. High aims and noble ambitions became their
+birthright. There was nothing they could not or would not do for England.
+Sailors put a girdle round the world. Every captain had a general's
+capacity; every fighting-man could have been a captain. All the women,
+from the queen downward, were heroines. Lofty statesmanship guided the
+conduct of affairs, a sublime philosophy was in the air. The period of
+great deeds was also the period of our richest literature. London was
+swarming with poetic geniuses. Immortal dramatists wandered in couples
+between stage doors and taverns.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+All this has been said many times; and we read these glowing outbursts
+about the Elizabethan age as if to the beating of a drum. But why was
+this period riper for magnificent deeds and noble literature than any
+other in English history? We all know how the thinkers, historians, and
+critics of yesterday and to-day answer that question; but our hearts and
+brains tell us that they are astray. By an amazing oversight they have
+said nothing of the Influence of Tobacco. The Elizabethan age might be
+better named the beginning of the smoking era. No unprejudiced person
+who has given thought to the subject can question the propriety of
+dividing our history into two periods--the pre-smoking and the smoking.
+When Raleigh, in honor of whom England should have changed its name,
+introduced tobacco into this country, the glorious Elizabethan age
+began. I am aware that those hateful persons called Original Researchers
+now maintain that Raleigh was not the man; but to them I turn a deaf
+ear. I know, I feel, that with the introduction of tobacco England woke
+up from a long sleep. Suddenly a new zest had been given to life. The
+glory of existence became a thing to speak of. Men who had hitherto only
+concerned themselves with the narrow things of home put a pipe into
+their mouths and became philosophers. Poets and dramatists smoked until
+all ignoble ideas were driven from them, and into their place rushed
+such high thoughts as the world had not known before. Petty jealousies
+no longer had hold of statesmen, who smoked, and agreed to work together
+for the public weal. Soldiers and sailors felt, when engaged with a
+foreign foe, that they were fighting for their pipes. The whole country
+was stirred by the ambition to live up to tobacco. Every one, in short,
+had now a lofty ideal constantly before him. Two stories of the period,
+never properly told hitherto, illustrate this. We all know that Gabriel
+Harvey and Spenser lay in bed discussing English poetry and the forms
+it ought to take. This was when tobacco was only known to a select few,
+of whom Spenser, the friend of Raleigh, was doubtless one. That the
+two friends smoked in bed I cannot doubt. Many poets have done the same
+thing since. Then there is the beautiful Armada story. In a famous
+Armada picture the English sailors are represented smoking; which makes
+it all the more surprising that the story to which I refer has come
+down to us in an incorrect form. According to the historians, when the
+Armada hove in sight the English captains were playing at bowls. Instead
+of rushing off to their ships on receipt of the news, they observed,
+"Let us first finish our game." I cannot believe that this is what they
+said. My conviction is that what was really said was, "Let us first
+finish our pipes"--surely a far more impressive and memorable remark.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This afternoon Marlowe's "Jew of Malta" was produced for the first
+time; and of the two men who have just emerged from the Blackfriars
+Theatre one is the creator of _Barabas_. A marvel to all the
+"piperly make-plaies and make-bates," save one, is "famous Ned Alleyn;"
+for when money comes to him he does not drink till it be done, and
+already he is laying by to confound the ecclesiastics, who say hard
+things of him, by founding Dulwich College. "Not Roscius nor ∆sope,"
+said Tom Nash, who was probably in need of a crown at the time, "ever
+performed more in action." A good fellow he is withal; for it is Ned who
+gives the supper to-night at the "Globe," in honor of the new piece, if
+he can get his friends together. The actor-manager shakes his head, for
+Marlowe, who was to meet him here, must have been seduced into a tavern
+by the way; but his companion, Robin Greene, is only wondering if that
+is a bailiff at the corner. Robin of the "ruffianly haire," _utriusque
+academiÊ artibus magister_, is nearing the end of his tether, and
+might call to-night at shoemaker Islam's house near Dowgate, to tell
+a certain "bigge, fat, lusty wench" to prepare his last bed and buy a
+garland of bays. Ned must to the sign of the "Saba" in Gracious Street,
+where Burbage and "honest gamesom Armin" are sure to be found; but
+Greene durst not show himself in the street without Cutting Ball and
+other choice ruffians as a body-guard. Ned is content to leave them
+behind; for Robin has refused to be of the company to-night if that
+"upstart Will" is invited too, and the actor is fond of Will. There is
+no more useful man in the theatre, he has said to "Signior Kempino"
+this very day, for touching up old plays; and Will is a plodding young
+fellow, too, if not over-brilliant.
+
+Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern, picking out his men. There is an
+ale-house in Sea-coal Lane--the same where lady-like George Peele was
+found by the barber, who had subscribed an hour before for his decent
+burial, "all alone with a peck of oysters"--and here Ned is detained an
+unconscionable time. Just as he is leaving with Kempe and Cowley, Armin
+and Will Shakespeare burst in with a cry for wine. It is Armin who gives
+the orders, but his companion pays. They spy Alleyn, and Armin must tell
+his news. He is the bearer of a challenge from some merry souls at the
+"Saba" to the actor-manager; and Ned Alleyn turns white and red when he
+hears it. Then he laughs a confident laugh, and accepts the bet. Some
+theatre-goers, flushed with wine, have dared him to attempt certain
+parts in which Bentley and Knell vastly please them. Ned is incredulous
+that men should be so willing to fling away their money; yet here is
+Will a witness, and Burbage is staying on at the "Saba" not to let the
+challengers escape.
+
+The young man of twenty-four, at the White Horse in Friday Street, is
+Tom Nash; and it is Peele who is swearing that he is a monstrous clever
+fellow, and helping him to finish his wine. But Peele is glad to see Ned
+and Cowley in the doorway, for Tom has a weakness for reading aloud the
+good things from his own manuscripts. There is only one of the company
+who is not now sick to death of Nash's satires on Martin Marprelate; and
+perhaps even he has had enough of them, only he is as yet too obscure a
+person to say so. That is Will; and Nash detains him for a moment just
+to listen to his last words on the Marprelate controversy. Marprelate
+now appears "with a wit worn into the socket, twingling and pinking like
+the snuff of a candle; _quantum mutatus ab illo!_ how unlike the
+knave he was before, not for malice but for sharpness. The hogshead was
+even come to the hauncing, and nothing could be drawne from him but the
+dregs." Will says it is very good; and Nash smiles to himself as he puts
+the papers in his pockets and thinks vaguely that he might do something
+for Will. Shakespeare is not a university man, and they say he held
+horses at the doors of the Globe not long ago; but he knows a good thing
+when he hears it.
+
+All this time Marlowe is at the Globe, wondering why the others are so
+long in coming; but not wondering very much--for it is good wine they
+give you at the Globe. Even before the feast is well begun Kit's eyes
+are bloodshot and his hands unsteady. Death is already seeking for him
+at a tavern in Deptford, and the last scene in a wild, brief life starts
+up before us. A miserable ale-house, drunken words, the flash of a
+knife, and a man of genius has received his death-blow. What an epitaph
+for the greatest might-have-been in English literature: "Christopher
+Marlowe, slain by a serving-man in a drunken brawl, aged twenty-nine!"
+But by the time Shakespeare had reached his fortieth birthday every one
+of his fellow-playwrights round that table had rushed to his death.
+
+The short stout gentleman who is fond of making jokes, and not
+particular whom he confides them to, has heard another good story about
+Tarleton. This is the low comedian Kempe, who stepped into the shoes of
+flat-nosed, squinting Tarleton the other day, but never quite manages
+to fill them. He whispers the tale across Will's back to Cowley, before
+it is made common property; and little fancies, as he does so, that any
+immortality he and his friend may gain will be owing to their having
+played, before the end of the sixteenth century, the parts of _Dogberry_
+and _Verges_ in a comedy by Shakespeare, whom they are at present
+rather in the habit of patronizing. The story is received with
+boisterous laughter, for it suits the time and place.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Peele is in the middle of a love-song when Kit stumbles across the room
+to say a kind word to Shakespeare. That is a sign that George is not yet
+so very tipsy; for he is a gallant and a squire of dames so long as he
+is sober. There is not a maid in any tavern in Fleet Street who does not
+think George Peele the properest man in London. And yet, Greene being
+absent, scouring the street with Cutting Ball--whose sister is mother of
+poor Fortunatus Greene--Peele is the most dissolute man in the Globe
+to-night. There is a sad little daughter sitting up for him at home, and
+she will have to sit wearily till morning. Marlowe's praises would sink
+deeper into Will's heart if the author of the "Jew of Malta" were less
+unsteady on his legs. And yet he takes Kit's words kindly, and is glad
+to hear that "Titus Andronicus," produced the other day, pleases the man
+whose praise is most worth having. Will Shakespeare looks up to Kit
+Marlowe, and "Titus Andronicus" is the work of a young playwright who
+has tried to write like Kit. Marlowe knows it, and he takes it as
+something of a compliment, though he does not believe in imitation
+himself. He would return now to his seat beside Ned Alleyn; but the
+floor of the room is becoming unsteady, and Ned seems a long way off.
+Besides, Shakespeare's cup would never require refilling if there were
+not some one there to help him drink.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The fun becomes fast and furious; and the landlord of the Globe puts
+in an appearance, ostensibly to do his guests honor by serving them
+himself. But he is fearful of how the rioting may end, and, if he
+dared, he would turn Nash into the street. Tom is the only man there
+whom the landlord--if that man had only been a Boswell--personally
+dislikes; indeed, Nash is no great favorite even with his comrades. He
+has a bitter tongue, and his heart is not to be mellowed by wine. The
+table roars over his sallies, of which the landlord himself is dimly
+conscious that he is the butt, and Kempe and Cowley wince under his
+satire. Those excellent comedians fall out over a trifling difference
+of opinion; and handsome Nash--he tells us himself that he was handsome,
+so there can be no doubt about it--maintains that they should decide
+the dispute by fist-cuffs without further loss of time. While Kempe and
+Cowley threaten to break each other's heads--which, indeed, would be
+no great matter if they did it quietly--Burbage is reciting vehemently,
+with no one heeding him; and Marlowe insists on quarrelling with Armin
+about the existence of a Deity. For when Kit is drunk he is an infidel.
+Armin will not quarrel with anybody, and Marlowe is exasperated.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But where is Shakespeare all this time? He has retired to a side table
+with Alleyn, who has another historical play that requires altering.
+Their conversation is of comparatively little importance; what we are
+to note with bated breath is that Will is filling a pipe. His face is
+placid, for he does not know that the tobacco Ned is handing him is the
+Arcadia Mixture. I love Ned Alleyn, and like to think that Shakespeare
+got the Arcadia from him.
+
+For a moment let us turn from Shakespeare at this crisis in his life.
+Alleyn has left him and is paying the score. Marlowe remains where he
+fell. Nash has forgotten where he lodges, and so sets off with Peele to
+an ale-house in Pye Corner, where George is only too well known. Kempe
+and Cowley are sent home in baskets.
+
+Again we turn to the figure in the corner, and there is such a light on
+his face that we shade our eyes. He is smoking the Arcadia, and as he
+smokes the tragedy of Hamlet takes form in his brain.
+
+This is the picture that Scrymgeour will never dare to paint. I know
+that there is no mention of tobacco in Shakespeare's plays, but those
+who smoke the Arcadia tell their secret to none, and of other mixtures
+they scorn to speak.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+MY BROTHER HENRY.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Strictly speaking I never had a brother Henry, and yet I cannot say that
+Henry was an impostor. He came into existence in a curious way, and I
+can think of him now without malice as a child of smoke. The first I
+heard of Henry was at Pettigrew's house, which is in a London suburb,
+so conveniently situated that I can go there and back in one day. I was
+testing some new Cabanas, I remember, when Pettigrew remarked that he
+had been lunching with a man who knew my brother Henry. Not having any
+brother but Alexander, I felt that Pettigrew had mistaken the name.
+"Oh, no," Pettigrew said; "he spoke of Alexander too." Even this did not
+convince me, and I asked my host for his friend's name. Scudamour was
+the name of the man, and he had met my brothers Alexander and Henry
+years before in Paris. Then I remembered Scudamour, and I probably
+frowned, for I myself was my own brother Henry. I distinctly recalled
+Scudamour meeting Alexander and me in Paris, and calling me Henry,
+though my name begins with a J. I explained the mistake to Pettigrew,
+and here, for the time being, the matter rested. However, I had by no
+means heard the last of Henry.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Several times afterward I heard from various persons that Scudamour
+wanted to meet me because he knew my brother Henry. At last we did meet,
+in Jimmy's chambers; and, almost as soon as he saw me, Scudamour asked
+where Henry was now. This was precisely what I feared. I am a man who
+always looks like a boy. There are few persons of my age in London who
+retain their boyish appearance as long as I have done; indeed, this is
+the curse of my life. Though I am approaching the age of thirty, I pass
+for twenty; and I have observed old gentlemen frown at my precocity when
+I said a good thing or helped myself to a second glass of wine. There
+was, therefore, nothing surprising in Scudamour's remark, that, when he
+had the pleasure of meeting Henry, Henry must have been about the age
+that I had now reached. All would have been well had I explained the
+real state of affairs to this annoying man; but, unfortunately for
+myself, I loathe entering upon explanations to anybody about anything.
+This it is to smoke the Arcadia. When I ring for a time-table and
+William John brings coals instead, I accept the coals as a substitute.
+Much, then, did I dread a discussion with Scudamour, his surprise when
+he heard that I was Henry, and his comments on my youthful appearance.
+Besides, I was smoking the best of all mixtures. There was no likelihood
+of my meeting Scudamour again, so the easiest way to get rid of him
+seemed to be to humor him. I therefore told him that Henry was in India,
+married, and doing well. "Remember me to Henry when you write to him,"
+was Scudamour's last remark to me that evening.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder in Oxford Street.
+It was Scudamour. "Heard from Henry?" he asked. I said I had heard by
+the last mail. "Anything particular in the letter?" I felt it would not
+do to say that there was nothing particular in a letter which had come
+all the way from India, so I hinted that Henry was having trouble with
+his wife. By this I meant that her health was bad; but he took it up in
+another way, and I did not set him right. "Ah, ah!" he said, shaking his
+head sagaciously; "I'm sorry to hear that. Poor Henry!" "Poor old boy!"
+was all I could think of replying. "How about the children?" Scudamour
+asked. "Oh, the children," I said, with what I thought presence of mind,
+"are coming to England." "To stay with Alexander?" he asked. My answer
+was that Alexander was expecting them by the middle of next month; and
+eventually Scudamour went away muttering, "Poor Henry!" In a month or so
+we met again. "No word of Henry's getting leave of absence?" asked
+Scudamour. I replied shortly that Henry had gone to live in Bombay, and
+would not be home for years. He saw that I was brusque, so what does he
+do but draw me aside for a quiet explanation. "I suppose," he said,
+"you are annoyed because I told Pettigrew that Henry's wife had run away
+from him. The fact is, I did it for your good. You see, I happened to
+make a remark to Pettigrew about your brother Henry, and he said that
+there was no such person. Of course I laughed at that, and pointed out
+not only that I had the pleasure of Henry's acquaintance, but that
+you and I had talked about the old fellow every time we met. 'Well,'
+Pettigrew said, 'this is a most remarkable thing; for he,' meaning
+you, 'said to me in this very room, sitting in that very chair, that
+Alexander was his only brother.' I saw that Pettigrew resented your
+concealing the existence of your brother Henry from him, so I thought
+the most friendly thing I could do was to tell him that your reticence
+was doubtless due to the unhappy state of poor Henry's private affairs.
+Naturally in the circumstances you did not want to talk about Henry." I
+shook Scudamour by the hand, telling him that he had acted judiciously;
+but if I could have stabbed him in the back at that moment I dare say
+I would have done it.
+
+I did not see Scudamour again for a long time, for I took care to keep
+out of his way; but I heard first from him and then of him. One day he
+wrote to me saying that his nephew was going to Bombay, and would I be
+so good as to give the youth an introduction to my brother Henry? He
+also asked me to dine with him and his nephew. I declined the dinner,
+but I sent the nephew the required note of introduction to Henry.
+The next I heard of Scudamour was from Pettigrew. "By the way," said
+Pettigrew, "Scudamour is in Edinburgh at present." I trembled, for
+Edinburgh is where Alexander lives. "What has taken him there?" I
+asked, with assumed carelessness. Pettigrew believed it was business;
+"but," he added, "Scudamour asked me to tell you that he meant to call
+on Alexander, as he was anxious to see Henry's children." A few days
+afterward I had a telegram from Alexander, who generally uses this means
+of communication when he corresponds with me.
+
+"Do you know a man, Scudamour? Reply," was what Alexander said. I
+thought of answering that we had met a man of that name when we were
+in Paris; but after consideration, I replied boldly: "Know no one of
+name of Scudamour."
+
+About two months ago I passed Scudamour in Regent Street, and he scowled
+at me. This I could have borne if there had been no more of Henry; but I
+knew that Scudamour was now telling everybody about Henry's wife.
+
+By and by I got a letter from an old friend of Alexander's asking me
+if there was any truth in a report that Alexander was going to Bombay.
+Soon afterward Alexander wrote to me saying he had been told by several
+persons that I was going to Bombay. In short, I saw that the time had
+come for killing Henry. So I told Pettigrew that Henry had died of
+fever, deeply regretted; and asked him to be sure to tell Scudamour,
+who had always been interested in the deceased's welfare. Pettigrew
+afterward told me that he had communicated the sad intelligence to
+Scudamour. "How did he take it?" I asked. "Well," Pettigrew said,
+reluctantly, "he told me that when he was up in Edinburgh he did not get
+on well with Alexander. But he expressed great curiosity as to Henry's
+children." "Ah," I said, "the children were both drowned in the Forth; a
+sad affair--we can't bear to talk of it." I am not likely to see much of
+Scudamour again, nor is Alexander. Scudamour now goes about saying that
+Henry was the only one of us he really liked.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+HOUSE-BOAT "ARCADIA."
+
+
+Scrymgeour had a house-boat called, of course, the _Arcadia_, to
+which he was so ill-advised as to invite us all at once. He was at that
+time lying near Cookham, attempting to catch the advent of summer on a
+canvas, and we were all, unhappily, able to accept his invitation.
+Looking back to this nightmare of a holiday, I am puzzled at our not
+getting on well together, for who should be happy in a house-boat if not
+five bachelors, well known to each other, and all smokers of the same
+tobacco? Marriot says now that perhaps we were happy without knowing it;
+but that is nonsense. We were miserable.
+
+I have concluded that we knew each other too well. Though accustomed to
+gather together in my rooms of an evening in London, we had each his
+private chambers to retire to, but in the _Arcadia_ solitude was
+impossible. There was no escaping from each other.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Scrymgeour, I think, said that we were unhappy because each of us acted
+as if the house-boat was his own. We retorted that the boy--by no means
+a William John--was at the bottom of our troubles, and then Scrymgeour
+said that he had always been against having a boy. We had been opposed
+to a boy at first, too, fancying that we should enjoy doing our own
+cooking. Seeing that there were so many of us, this should not have
+been difficult, but the kitchen was small, and we were always striking
+against each other and knocking things over. We had to break a
+window-pane to let the smoke out; then Gilray, in kicking the stove
+because he had burned his fingers on it, upset the thing, and, before
+we had time to intervene, a leg of mutton jumped out and darted into the
+coal-bunk. Jimmy foolishly placed our six tumblers on the window-sill to
+dry, and a gust of wind toppled them into the river. The draughts were a
+nuisance. This was owing to windows facing each other being left open,
+and as a result articles of clothing disappeared so mysteriously that we
+thought there must be a thief or a somnambulist on board. The third or
+fourth day, however, going into the saloon unexpectedly, I caught my
+straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind. When last seen it was
+on its way to Maidenhead, bowling along at the rate of several miles
+an hour. So we thought it would be as well to have a boy. As far as I
+remember, this was the only point unanimously agreed upon during the
+whole time we were aboard. They told us at the Ferry Hotel that boys
+were rather difficult to get in Cookham; but we instituted a vigorous
+house-to-house search, and at last we ran a boy to earth and carried
+him off.
+
+It was most unfortunate for all concerned that the boy did not sleep
+on board. There was, however, no room for him; so he came at seven in
+the morning, and retired when his labors were over for the day. I say
+he came; but in point of fact that was the difficulty with the boy. He
+couldn't come. He came as far as he could: that is to say, he walked up
+the tow-path until he was opposite the house-boat, and then he hallooed
+to be taken on board, whereupon some one had to go in the dingy for him.
+All the time we were in the house-boat that boy was never five minutes
+late. Wet or fine, calm or rough, 7 A.M. found the boy on the tow-path
+hallooing. No sooner were we asleep than the dewy morn was made hideous
+by the boy. Lying in bed with the blankets over our heads to deaden his
+cries, his fresh, lusty young voice pierced wood-work, blankets, sheets,
+everything. "Ya-ho, ahoy, ya-ho, aho, ahoy!" So he kept it up. What
+followed may easily be guessed. We all lay as silent as the grave, each
+waiting for some one else to rise and bring the impatient lad across.
+At last the stillness would be broken by some one's yelling out that he
+would do for that boy. A second would mutter horribly in his sleep; a
+third would make himself a favorite for the moment by shouting through
+the wooden partition that it was the fifth's turn this morning. The
+fifth would tell us where he would see the boy before he went across for
+him. Then there would be silence again. Eventually some one would put an
+ulster over his night-shirt, and sternly announce his intention of going
+over and taking the boy's life. Hearing this, the others at once dropped
+off to sleep. For a few days we managed to trick the boy by pulling up
+our blinds and so conveying to his mind the impression that we were
+getting up. Then he had not our breakfast ready when we did get up,
+which naturally enraged us.
+
+As soon as he got on board that boy made his presence felt. He was very
+strong and energetic in the morning, and spent the first half-hour or so
+in flinging coals at each other. This was his way of breaking them; and
+he was by nature so patient and humble that he rather flattered himself
+when a coal broke at the twentieth attempt. We used to dream that he was
+breaking coals on our heads. Often one of us dashed into the kitchen,
+threatening to drop him into the river if he did not sit quite still
+on a chair for the next two hours. Under these threats he looked
+sufficiently scared to satisfy anybody; but as soon as all was quiet
+again he crept back to the coal-bunk and was at his old games.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It didn't matter what we did, the boy put a stop to it. We tried whist,
+and in ten minutes there was a "Hoy, hie, ya-ho!" from the opposite
+shore. It was the boy come back with the vegetables. If we were reading,
+"Ya-ho, hie!" and some one had to cross for that boy and the water-can.
+The boy was on the tow-path just when we had fallen into a snooze; he had
+to be taken across for the milk immediately we had lighted our pipes. On
+the whole, it is an open question whether it was not even more annoying
+to take him over than to go for him. Two or three times we tried to be
+sociable and went into the village together; but no sooner had we begun
+to enjoy ourselves than we remembered that we must go back and let the
+boy ashore. Tennyson speaks of a company making believe to be merry
+while all the time the spirit of a departed one haunted them in their
+play. That was exactly the effect of the boy on us.
+
+Even without the boy I hardly think we should have been a sociable
+party. The sight of so much humanity gathered in one room became a
+nuisance. We resorted to all kinds of subterfuge to escape from each
+other; and the one who finished breakfast first generally managed to
+make off with the dingy. The others were then at liberty to view him in
+the distance, in midstream, lying on his back in the bottom of the boat;
+and it was almost more than we could stand. The only way to bring him
+back was to bribe the boy into saying that he wanted to go across to the
+village for bacon or black lead or sardines. Thus even the boy had his
+uses.
+
+Things gradually got worse and worse. I remember only one day when
+as many as four of us were on speaking terms. Even this temporary
+sociability was only brought about in order that we might combine and
+fall upon Jimmy with the more crushing force. Jimmy had put us in an
+article, representing himself as a kind of superior person who was
+making a study of us. The thing was such a gross caricature, and so
+dull, that it was Jimmy we were sorry for rather than ourselves. Still,
+we gathered round him in a body and told him what we thought of the
+matter. Affairs might have gone more smoothly after this if we four had
+been able to hold together. Unfortunately, Jimmy won Marriot over, and
+next day there was a row all round, which resulted in our division into
+five parties.
+
+One day Pettigrew visited us. He brought his Gladstone bag with him, but
+did not stay over night. He was glad to go; for at first none of us, I
+am afraid, was very civil to him, though we afterward thawed a little.
+He returned to London and told every one how he found us. I admit we
+were not prepared to receive company. The house-boat consisted of five
+apartments--a saloon, three bedrooms, and a kitchen. When he boarded us
+we were distributed as follows: I sat smoking in the saloon, Marriot sat
+smoking in the first bedroom, Gilray in the second, Jimmy in the third,
+and Scrymgeour in the kitchen. The boy did not keep Scrymgeour company.
+He had been ordered on deck, where he sat with his legs crossed, the
+picture of misery because he had no coals to break. A few days after
+Pettigrew's visit we followed him to London, leaving Scrymgeour behind,
+where we soon became friendly again.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+THE ARCADIA MIXTURE AGAIN.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+One day, some weeks after we left Scrymgeour's house-boat, I was
+alone in my rooms, very busy smoking, when William John entered with
+a telegram. It was from Scrymgeour, and said, "You have got me into
+a dreadful mess. Come down here first train."
+
+Wondering what mess I could have got Scrymgeour into, I good-naturedly
+obeyed his summons, and soon I was smoking placidly on the deck of the
+house-boat, while Scrymgeour, sullen and nervous, tramped back and
+forward. I saw quickly that the only tobacco had something to do with
+his troubles, for he began by announcing that one evening soon after
+we left him he found that we had smoked all his Arcadia. He would have
+dispatched the boy to London for it, but the boy had been all day in the
+village buying a loaf, and would not be back for hours. Cookham cigars
+Scrymgeour could not smoke; cigarettes he only endured if made from the
+Arcadia.
+
+At Cookham he could only get tobacco that made him uncomfortable. Having
+recently begun to use a new pouch, he searched his pockets in vain for
+odd shreds of the Mixture to which he had so contemptibly become a
+slave. In a very bad temper he took to his dingy, vowing for a little
+while that he would violently break the chains that bound him to one
+tobacco, and afterward, when he was restored to his senses that he would
+jilt the Arcadia gradually. He had pulled some distance down the river,
+without regarding the Cliveden Woods, when he all but ran into a blaze
+of Chinese lanterns. It was a house-boat called--let us change its name
+to the _Heathen Chinee_. Staying his dingy with a jerk, Scrymgeour
+looked up, when a wonderful sight met his eyes. On the open window of an
+apparently empty saloon stood a round tin of tobacco, marked "Arcadia
+Mixture."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Scrymgeour sat gaping. The only sound to be heard, except a soft splash
+of water under the house-boat, came from the kitchen, where a servant
+was breaking crockery for supper. The romantic figure in the dingy
+stretched out his hand and then drew it back, remembering that there was
+a law against this sort of thing. He thought to himself, "If I were to
+wait until the owner returns, no doubt a man who smokes the Arcadia
+would feel for me." Then his fatal horror of explanations whispered to
+him, "The owner may be a stupid, garrulous fellow who will detain you
+here half the night explaining your situation." Scrymgeour, I want to
+impress upon the reader, was, like myself, the sort of a man who, if
+asked whether he did not think "In Memoriam" Mr. Browning's greatest
+poem, would say Yes, as the easiest way of ending the conversation.
+Obviously he would save himself trouble by simply annexing the tin.
+He seized it and rowed off.
+
+Smokers, who know how tobacco develops the finer feelings, hardly
+require to be told what happened next. Suddenly Scrymgeour remembered
+that he was probably leaving the owner of the _Heathen Chinee_
+without any Arcadia Mixture. He at once filled his pouch, and, pulling
+softly back to the house-boat, replaced the tin on the window, his bosom
+swelling with the pride of those who give presents. At the same moment a
+hand gripped him by the neck, and a girl, somewhere on deck, screamed.
+
+Scrymgeour's captor, who was no other than the owner of the _Heathen
+Chinee_, dragged him fiercely into the house-boat and stormed at him
+for five minutes. My friend shuddered as he thought of the explanations
+to come when he was allowed to speak, and gradually he realized that he
+had been mistaken for someone else--apparently for some young blade who
+had been carrying on a clandestine flirtation with the old gentleman's
+daughter. It will take an hour, thought Scrymgeour, to convince him that
+I am not that person, and another hour to explain why I am really here.
+Then the weak creature had an idea: "Might not the simplest plan be to
+say that his surmises are correct, promise to give his daughter up, and
+row away as quickly as possible?" He began to wonder if the girl was
+pretty; but saw it would hardly do to say that he reserved his defence
+until he could see her.
+
+"I admit," he said, at last, "that I admire your daughter; but she
+spurned my advances, and we parted yesterday forever."
+
+"Yesterday!"
+
+"Or was it the day before?"
+
+"Why, sir, I have caught you red-handed!"
+
+"This is an accident," Scrymgeour explained, "and I promise never to
+speak to her again." Then he added, as an after-thought, "however
+painful that may be to me."
+
+Before Scrymgeour returned to his dingy he had been told that he would
+be drowned if he came near that house-boat again. As he sculled away he
+had a glimpse of the flirting daughter, whom he described to me briefly
+as being of such engaging appearance that six yards was a trying
+distance to be away from her.
+
+"Here," thought Scrymgeour that night over a pipe of the Mixture, "the
+affair ends; though I dare say the young lady will call me terrible
+names when she hears that I have personated her lover. I must take care
+to avoid the father now, for he will feel that I have been following
+him. Perhaps I should have made a clean breast of it; but I do loathe
+explanations."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Two days afterward Scrymgeour passed the father and daughter on the
+river. The lady said "Thank you" to him with her eyes, and, still more
+remarkable, the old gentleman bowed.
+
+Scrymgeour thought it over. "She is grateful to me," he concluded, "for
+drawing away suspicion from the other man, but what can have made the
+father so amiable? Suppose she has not told him that I am an impostor,
+he should still look upon me as a villain; and if she has told him, he
+should be still more furious. It is curious, but no affair of mine."
+Three times within the next few days he encountered the lady on the
+tow-path or elsewhere with a young gentleman of empty countenance, who,
+he saw must be the real Lothario. Once they passed him when he was in
+the shadow of a tree, and the lady was making pretty faces with a
+cigarette in her mouth. The house-boat _Heathen Chinee_ lay but a
+short distance off, and Scrymgeour could see the owner gazing after his
+daughter placidly, a pipe between his lips.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"He must be approving of her conduct now," was my friend's natural
+conclusion. Then one forenoon Scrymgeour travelled to town in the same
+compartment as the old gentleman, who was exceedingly frank, and made
+sly remarks about romantic young people who met by stealth when there
+was no reason why they should not meet openly. "What does he mean?"
+Scrymgeour asked himself, uneasily. He saw terribly elaborate
+explanations gathering and shrank from them.
+
+Then Scrymgeour was one day out in a punt, when he encountered the old
+gentleman in a canoe. The old man said, purple with passion, that he
+was on his way to pay Mr. Scrymgeour a business visit. "Oh, yes," he
+continued, "I know who you are; if I had not discovered you were a man
+of means I would not have let the thing go on, and now I insist on an
+explanation."
+
+Explanations!
+
+They made for Scrymgeour's house-boat, with almost no words on the young
+man's part; but the father blurted out several things--as that his
+daughter knew where he was going when he left the _Heathen Chinee_,
+and that he had an hour before seen Scrymgeour making love to another
+girl.
+
+"Don't deny it!" cried the indignant father; "I recognized you by your
+velvet coat and broad hat."
+
+Then Scrymgeour began to see more clearly. The girl had encouraged
+the deception, and had been allowed to meet her lover because he was
+supposed to be no adventurer but the wealthy Mr. Scrymgeour. She must
+have told the fellow to get a coat and hat like his to help the plot.
+At the time the artist only saw all this in a jumble.
+
+Scrymgeour had bravely resolved to explain everything now; but his
+bewilderment may be conceived when, on entering his saloon with the
+lady's father, the first thing they saw was the lady herself. The old
+gentleman gasped, and his daughter looked at Scrymgeour imploringly.
+
+"Now," said the father fiercely, "explain."
+
+The lady's tears became her vastly. Hardly knowing what he did,
+Scrymgeour put his arm around her.
+
+"Well, go on," I said, when at this point Scrymgeour stopped.
+
+"There is no more to tell," he replied; "you see the girl allowed me
+to--well, protect her--and--and the old gentleman thinks we are
+engaged."
+
+"I don't wonder. What does the lady say?"
+
+"She says that she ran along the bank and got into my house-boat by the
+plank, meaning to see me before her father arrived and to entreat me to
+run away."
+
+"With her?"
+
+"No, without her."
+
+"But what does she say about explaining matters to her father?"
+
+"She says she dare not, and as for me, I could not. That was why I
+telegraphed to you."
+
+
+"You want me to be intercessor? No, Scrymgeour; your only honorable
+course is marriage."
+
+"But you must help me. It is all your fault, teaching me to like the
+Arcadia Mixture."
+
+I thought this so impudent of Scrymgeour that I bade him good-night at
+once. All the men on the stair are still confident that he would have
+married her, had the lady not cut the knot by eloping with Scrymgeour's
+double.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+THE ROMANCE OF A PIPE-CLEANER.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We continued to visit the _Arcadia_, though only one at a time now,
+and Gilray, who went most frequently, also remained longest. In other
+words, he was in love again, and this time she lived at Cookham.
+Marriot's love affairs I pushed from me with a wave of my pipe, but
+Gilray's second case was serious.
+
+In time, however, he returned to the Arcadia Mixture, though not until
+the house-boat was in its winter quarters. I witnessed his complete
+recovery, the scene being his chambers. Really it is rather a pathetic
+story, and so I give the telling of it to a rose, which the lady once
+presented to Gilray. Conceive the rose lying, as I saw it, on Gilray's
+hearth-rug, and then imagine it whispering as follows:
+
+"A wire was round me that white night on the river when she let him take
+me from her. Then I hated the wire. Alas! hear the end.
+
+"My moments are numbered; and if I would expose him with my dying sigh,
+I must not sentimentalize over my own decay. They were in a punt, her
+hand trailing in the water, when I became his. When they parted that
+night at Cookham Lock, he held her head in his hands, and they gazed in
+each other's eyes. Then he turned away quickly; when he reached the punt
+again he was whistling. Several times before we came to the house-boat
+in which he and another man lived, he felt in his pocket to make sure
+that I was still there. At the house-boat he put me in a tumbler of
+water out of sight of his friend, and frequently he stole to the spot
+like a thief to look at me. Early next morning he put me in his
+buttonhole, calling me sweet names. When his friend saw me, he too
+whistled, but not in the same way. Then my owner glared at him. This
+happened many months ago.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Next evening I was in a garden that slopes to the river. I was on his
+breast, and so for a moment was she. His voice was so soft and low as
+he said to her the words he had said to me the night before, that I
+slumbered in a dream. When I awoke suddenly he was raging at her, and
+she cried. I know not why they quarrelled so quickly, but it was about
+some one whom he called 'that fellow,' while she called him a 'friend of
+papa's.' He looked at her for a long time again, and then said coldly
+that he wished her a very good-evening. She bowed and went toward a
+house, humming a merry air, while he pretended to light a cigarette made
+from a tobacco of which he was very fond. Till very late that night I
+heard him walking up and down the deck of the house-boat, his friend
+shouting to him not to be an ass. Me he had flung fiercely on the floor
+of the house-boat. About midnight he came downstairs, his face white,
+and, snatching me up, put me in his pocket. Again we went into the punt,
+and he pushed it within sight of the garden. There he pulled in his pole
+and lay groaning in the punt, letting it drift, while he called her his
+beloved and a little devil. Suddenly he took me from his pocket, kissed
+me, and cast me down from him into the night. I fell among reeds, head
+downward; and there I lay all through the cold, horrid night. The gray
+morning came at last, then the sun, and a boat now and again. I thought
+I had found my grave, when I saw his punt coming toward the reeds. He
+searched everywhere for me, and at last he found me. So delighted and
+affectionate was he that I forgave him my sufferings, only I was jealous
+of a letter in his other pocket, which he read over many times,
+murmuring that it explained everything.
+
+"Her I never saw again, but I heard her voice. He kept me now in a
+leather case in an inner pocket, where I was squeezed very flat. What
+they said to each other I could not catch; but I understood afterward,
+for he always repeated to me what he had been saying to her, and many
+times he was loving, many times angry, like a bad man. At last came a
+day when he had a letter from her containing many things he had given
+her, among them a ring on which she had seemed to set great store.
+What it all meant I never rightly knew, but he flung the ring into
+the Thames, calling her all the old wicked names and some new ones.
+I remember how we rushed to her house, along the bank this time, and
+that she asked him to be her brother; but he screamed denunciations at
+her, again speaking of 'that fellow,' and saying that he was going
+to-morrow to Manitoba.
+
+"So far as I know, they saw each other no more. He walked on the deck
+so much now that his friend went back to London, saying he could get
+no sleep. Sometimes we took long walks alone; often we sat for hours
+looking at the river, for on those occasions he would take me out of the
+leather case and put me on his knee. One day his friend came back and
+told him that he would soon get over it, he himself having once had
+a similar experience; but my master said no one had ever loved as he
+loved, and muttered 'Vixi, vixi' to himself till the other told him not
+to be a fool, but to come to the hotel and have something to eat. Over
+this they quarrelled, my master hinting that he would eat no more; but
+he ate heartily after his friend was gone.
+
+"After a time we left the house-boat, and were in chambers in a great
+inn. I was still in his pocket, and heard many conversations between him
+and people who came to see him, and he would tell them that he loathed
+the society of women. When they told him, as one or two did, that they
+were in love, he always said that he had gone through that stage ages
+ago. Still, at nights he would take me out of my case, when he was
+alone, and look at me; after which he walked up and down the room in
+an agitated manner and cried 'Vixi.'
+
+"By and by he left me in a coat that he was no longer wearing. Before
+this he had always put me into whatever coat he had on. I lay neglected,
+I think, for a month, until one day he felt the pockets of the coat for
+something else, and pulled me out. I don't think he remembered what was
+in the leather case at first; but as he looked at me his face filled
+with sentiment, and next day he took me with him to Cookham. The winter
+was come, and it was a cold day. There were no boats on the river. He
+walked up the bank to the garden where was the house in which she had
+lived; but the place was now deserted. On the garden gate he sat down,
+taking me from his pocket; and here, I think, he meant to recall the
+days that were dead. But a cold, piercing wind was blowing, and many
+times he looked at his watch, putting it to his ear as if he thought it
+had stopped. After a little he took to flinging stones into the water,
+for something to do; and then he went to the hotel and stayed there
+till he got a train back to London. We were home many hours before he
+meant to be back, and that night he went to a theatre.
+
+"That was my last day in the leather case. He keeps something else in
+it now. He flung me among old papers, smoking-caps, slippers, and other
+odds and ends into a box, where I have remained until to-night. A month
+or more ago he rummaged in the box for some old letters, and coming upon
+me unexpectedly, he jagged his finger on the wire. 'Where on earth did
+you come from?' he asked me. Then he remembered, and flung me back among
+the papers with a laugh. Now we come to to-night. An hour ago I heard
+him blowing down something, then stamping his feet. From his words I
+knew that his pipe was stopped. I heard him ring a bell and ask angrily
+who had gone off with his pipe-cleaners. He bustled through the room
+looking for them or for a substitute, and after a time he cried aloud,
+'I have it; that would do; but where was it I saw the thing last?' He
+pulled out several drawers, looked through his desk, and then opened the
+box in which I lay. He tumbled its contents over until he found me, and
+then he pulled me out, exclaiming, 'Eureka!' My heart sank, for I
+understood all as I fell leaf by leaf on the hearth-rug where I now lie.
+He took the wire off me and used it to clean his pipe."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+WHAT COULD HE DO?
+
+
+This was another of Marriot's perplexities of the heart. He had been on
+the Continent, and I knew from his face, the moment he returned, that I
+would have a night of him.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"On the 4th of September," he began, playing agitatedly with my
+tobacco-pouch, which was not for hands like his, "I had walked from
+Spondinig to Franzenshohe, which is a Tyrolese inn near the top of
+Stelvio Pass. From the inn to a very fine glacier is only a stroll of a
+few minutes; but the path is broken by a roaring stream. The only bridge
+across this stream is a plank, which seemed to give way as I put my foot
+on it. I drew back, for the stream would be called one long waterfall in
+England. Though a passionate admirer of courage, I easily lose my head
+myself, and I did not dare to venture across the plank. I walked up the
+stream, looking in vain for another crossing, and finally sat down on a
+wilderness of stones, from which I happened to have a good view of the
+plank. In parties of two and three a number of tourists strolled down
+the path; but they were all afraid to cross the bridge. I saw them test
+it with their alpenstocks; but none would put more than one foot on it.
+They gathered there at their wit's end. Suddenly I saw that there was
+some one on the plank. It was a young lady. I stood up and gazed. She
+was perhaps a hundred yards away from me; but I could distinctly make
+out her swaying, girlish figure, her deer-stalker cap, and the ends of
+her boa (as, I think, those long, furry things are called) floating in
+the wind. In a moment she was safe on the other side; but on the middle
+of the plank she had turned to kiss her hand to some of her more timid
+friends, and it was then that I fell in love with her. No doubt it was
+the very place for romance, if one was sufficiently clad; but I am not
+'susceptible,' as it is called, and I had never loved before. On the
+other hand, I was always a firm believer in love at first sight, which,
+as you will see immediately, is at the very root of my present
+sufferings.
+
+"The other tourists, their fears allayed, now crossed the plank, but I
+hurried away anywhere; and found myself an hour afterward on a hillside,
+surrounded by tinkling cows. All that time I had been thinking of a
+plank with a girl on it. I returned hastily to the inn, to hear that
+the heroine of the bridge and her friends had already driven off up the
+pass. My intention had been to stay at Franzenshohe over night, but of
+course I at once followed the line of carriages which could be seen
+crawling up the winding road. It was no difficult matter to overtake
+them, and in half an hour I was within a few yards of the hindmost
+carriage. It contained her of whom I was in pursuit. Her back was
+toward me, but I recognized the cap and the boa. I confess that I was
+nervous about her face, which I had not yet seen. So often had I been
+disappointed in ladies when they showed their faces, that I muttered
+Jimmy's aphorism to myself: 'The saddest thing in life is that most
+women look best from the back.' But when she looked round all anxiety
+was dispelled. So far as your advice is concerned, it cannot matter
+to you what she was like. Briefly, she was charming.
+
+"I am naturally shy, and so had more difficulty in making her
+acquaintance than many travellers would have had. It was at the baths of
+Bormio that we came together. I had bribed a waiter to seat me next her
+father at dinner; but, when the time came, I could say nothing to him,
+so anxious was I to create a favorable impression. In the evening,
+however, I found the family gathered round a pole, with skittles at the
+foot of it. They were wondering how Italian skittles was played, and,
+though I had no idea, I volunteered to teach them. Fortunately none of
+them understood Italian, and consequently the expostulations of the boy
+in charge were disregarded. It is not my intention to dwell upon the
+never-to-be-forgotten days--ah, and still more the evenings--we spent
+at the baths of Bormio. I had loved her as she crossed the plank; but
+daily now had I more cause to love her, and it was at Bormio that she
+learned--I say it with all humility--to love me. The seat in the garden
+on which I proposed is doubtless still to be seen, with the chair near
+it on which her papa was at that very moment sitting, with one of his
+feet on a small table. During the three sunny days that followed, my
+life was one delicious dream, with no sign that the awakening was at
+hand.
+
+"So far I had not mentioned the incident at Franzenshohe to her. Perhaps
+you will call my reticence contemptible; but the fact is, I feared to
+fall in her esteem. I could not have spoken of the plank without
+admitting that I was afraid to cross it; and then what would she, who
+was a heroine, think of a man who was so little of a hero? Thus, though
+I had told her many times that I fell in love with her at first sight,
+she thought I referred to the time when she first saw me. She liked to
+hear me say that I believed in no love but love at first sight; and,
+looking back, I can recall saying it at least once on every seat in the
+garden at the baths of Bormio.
+
+"Do you know Tirano, a hamlet in a nest of vines, where Italian soldiers
+strut and women sleep in the sun beside baskets of fruit? How happily we
+entered it; were we the same persons who left it within an hour? I was
+now travelling with her party; and at Tirano, while the others rested,
+she and I walked down a road between vines and Indian corn. Why I should
+then have told her that I loved her for a whole day before she saw me
+I cannot tell. It may have been something she said, perhaps only an
+irresistible movement of her head; for her grace was ever taking me by
+surprise, and she was a revelation a thousand times a day. But whatever
+it was that made me speak out, I suddenly told her that I fell in love
+with her as she stood upon the plank at Franzenshohe. I remember her
+stopping short at a point where there had probably once been a gate to
+the vineyard, and I thought she was angry with me for not having told
+her of the Franzenshohe incident before. Soon the pallor of her face
+alarmed me. She entreated me to say it was not at Franzenshohe that I
+first loved her, and I fancied she was afraid lest her behavior on the
+bridge had seemed a little bold. I told her it was divine, and pictured
+the scene as only an anxious lover could do. Then she burst into tears,
+and we went back silently to her relatives. She would not say a word
+to me.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"We drove to Sondrio, and before we reached it I dare say I was as pale
+as she. A horrible thought had flashed upon me. At Sondrio I took her
+papa aside, and, without telling him what had happened, questioned him
+about his impressions of Franzenshohe. 'You remember the little bridge,'
+he said, 'that we were all afraid to cross; by Jove! I have often
+wondered who that girl was that ventured over it first.'
+
+"I hastened away from him to think. My fears had been confirmed. It was
+not she who had first crossed the plank. Therefore it was not she with
+whom I had fallen in love. Nothing could be plainer than that I was in
+love with the wrong person. All the time I had loved another. But who
+was she? Besides, did I love her? Certainly not. Yes, but why did I love
+this one? The whole foundation of my love had been swept away. Yet the
+love remained. Which is absurd.
+
+"At Colico I put the difficulty to her father; but he is stout, and did
+not understand its magnitude. He said he could not see how it mattered.
+As for her, I have never mentioned it to her again; but she is always
+thinking of it, and so am I. A wall has risen up between us, and how to
+get over it or whether I have any right to get over it, I know not. Will
+you help me--and her?"
+
+"Certainly not," I said.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+PRIMUS.
+
+
+Primus is my brother's eldest son, and he once spent his Easter
+holidays with me. I did not want him, nor was he anxious to come, but
+circumstances were too strong for us, and, to be just to Primus, he did
+his best to show me that I was not in his way. He was then at the age
+when boys begin to address each other by their surnames.
+
+I have said that I always took care not to know how much tobacco I
+smoked in a week, and therefore I may be hinting a libel on Primus when
+I say that while he was with me the Arcadia disappeared mysteriously.
+Though he spoke respectfully of the Mixture--as became my nephew--he
+tumbled it on to the table, so that he might make a telephone out of
+the tins, and he had a passion for what he called "snipping cigars."
+Scrymgeour gave him a cigar-cutter which was pistol-shaped. You put the
+cigar end in a hole, pull the trigger, and the cigar was snipped. The
+simplicity of the thing fascinated Primus, and after his return to
+school I found that he had broken into my Cabana boxes and snipped
+nearly three hundred cigars.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As soon as he arrived Primus laid siege to the heart of William John,
+captured it in six hours, and demoralized it in twenty-four. We, who had
+known William John for years, considered him very practical, but Primus
+fired him with tales of dark deeds at "old Poppy's"--which was Primus's
+handy name for his preceptor--and in a short time William John was so
+full of romance that we could not trust him to black our boots. He and
+Primus had a scheme for seizing a lugger and becoming pirates, when
+Primus was to be captain, William John first lieutenant, and old Poppy a
+prisoner. To the crew was added a boy with a catapult, one Johnny Fox,
+who was another victim of the tyrant Poppy, and they practised walking
+the plank at Scrymgeour's window. The plank was pushed nearly half-way
+out at the window, and you walked up it until it toppled and you were
+flung into the quadrangle. Such was the romance of William John that he
+walked the plank with his arms tied, shouting scornfully, by request,
+"Captain Kidd, I defy you! ha, ha! the buccaneer does not live who
+will blanch the cheeks of Dick, the Doughty Tar!" Then William John
+disappeared, and had to be put in poultices.
+
+While William John was in bed slowly recovering from his heroism, the
+pirate captain and Johnny Fox got me into trouble by stretching a string
+across the square, six feet from the ground, against which many tall
+hats struck, to topple in the dust. An improved sling from the Lowther
+Arcade kept the glazier constantly in the inn. Primus and Johnny Fox
+strolled into Holborn, knocked a bootblack's cap off, and returned with
+lumps on their foreheads. They were observed one day in Hyde Park--whither
+it may be feared they had gone with cigarettes--running after sheep,
+from which ladies were flying, while street-arabs chased the pirates,
+and a policeman chased the street-arabs. The only book they read was the
+"Comic History of Rome," the property of Gilray. This they liked so much
+that Primus papered the inside of his box with pictures from it. The
+only authors they consulted me about were "two big swells" called
+Descartes and James Payn, of whom Primus discovered that the one could
+always work best in bed, while the other thought Latin and Greek a
+mistake. It was the intention of the pirates to call old Poppy's
+attention to these gentlemen's views.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Soon after Primus came to me I learned that his schoolmaster had given
+him a holiday task. All the "fellows" in his form had to write an essay
+entitled "My Holidays, and How I Turned Them to Account," and to send
+it to their preceptor. Primus troubled his head little about the task
+while the composition of it was yet afar off; but as his time drew
+near he referred to it with indignation, and to his master's action
+in prescribing it as a "low trick." He frightened the housekeeper into
+tears by saying that he would not write a line of the task, and, what
+was more, he would "cheek" his master for imposing it; and I also
+heard that he and Johnny had some thought of writing the essay in
+a form suggested by their perusal of the "Comic History of Rome."
+One day I found a paper in my chambers which told me that the task was
+nevertheless receiving serious consideration. It was the instructions
+given by Primus's master with regard to the essay, which was to be "in
+the form of a letter," and "not less than five hundred words in length."
+The writer, it was suggested, should give a general sketch of how he was
+passing his time, what books he was reading, and "how he was making the
+home brighter." I did not know that Primus had risen equal to the
+occasion until one day after his departure, when I received his epistle
+from the schoolmaster, who wanted me to say whether it was a true
+statement. Here is Primus's essay on his holidays and how he made the
+home brighter:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"RESPECTED SIR:--I venture to address you on a subject of jeneral
+interest to all engaged in education, and the subject I venture to
+address you on is, 'My Hollidays and How I Turned Them to Account.'
+Three weeks and two days has now elapsed since I quitted your scholastic
+establishment, and I quitted your scholastic establishment with tears
+in my eyes, it being the one of all the scholastic establishments I
+have been at that I loved to reside in, and everybody was of an amiable
+disposition. Hollidays is good for making us renew our studdies with
+redoubled vigor, the mussels needing to be invigorated, and I have not
+overworked mind and body in my hollidays. I found my uncle well, and
+drove in a handsome to the door, and he thought I was much improved both
+in appearance and manners; and I said it was jew to the loving care
+of my teacher making improvement in appearance and manners a pleasure
+to the youth of England. My uncle was partiklarly pleased with the
+improvement I had made, not only in my appearance and manners, but also
+in my studies; and I told him Casear was the Latin writer I liked best,
+and quoted '_veni, vidi, vici_,' and some others which I regret I
+cannot mind at present. With your kind permission I should like to write
+you a line about how I spend my days during the hollidays; and my first
+way of spending my days during the hollidays is whatsoever my hands find
+to do doing it with all my might; also setting my face nobly against
+hurting the fealings of others, and minding to say, before I go to
+sleep, 'Something attempted, something done, to earn a night's repose,'
+as advised by you, my esteemed communicant. I spend my days during the
+hollidays getting up early, so as to be down in time for breakfast, and
+not to give no trouble. At breakfast I behave like a model, so as to set
+a good example; and then I go out for a walk with my esteemed young
+friend, John Fox, whom I chose carefully for a friend, fearing to
+corrupt my morals by holding communications with rude boys. The J. Fox
+whom I mentioned is esteemed by all who knows him as of a unusually
+gentle disposition; and you know him, respected sir, yourself, he being
+in my form, and best known in regretble slang as 'Foxy.' We walks in
+Hyde Park admiring the works of nature, and keeps up our classics
+when we see a tree by calling it 'arbor' and then going through the
+declensions; but we never climbs trees for fear of messing the clothes
+bestowed upon us by our beloved parents in the sweat of their brow;
+and we scorns to fling stones at the beautiful warblers which fill the
+atmosfere with music. In the afternoons I spend my days during the
+hollidays talking with the housekeeper about the things she understands,
+like not taking off my flannels till June 15, and also praising the
+matron at the school for seeing about the socks. In the evening I devote
+myself to whatever good cause I can think of; and I always take off my
+boots and put on my slippers, so as not to soil the carpet. I should
+like, respected sir, to inform you of the books I read when my duties
+does not call me elsewhere; and the books I read are the works of
+William Shakespeare, John Milton, Albert Tennyson, and Francis Bacon.
+Me and John Fox also reads the 'History of Rome,' so as to prime
+ourselves with the greatness of the past; and we hopes the glorious
+examples of Romulus and Remus, but especially Hannibal, will sink into
+our minds to spur us along. I am desirous to acquaint you with the way
+I make my uncle's home brighter; but the 500 words is up. So looking
+forward eagerly to resume my studdies, I am, respected sir, your
+dilligent pupil."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+PRIMUS TO HIS UNCLE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Though we all pretended to be glad when Primus went, we spoke of him
+briefly at times, and I read his letters aloud at our evening meetings.
+Here is a series of them from my desk. Primus was now a year and a half
+older and his spelling had improved.
+
+
+I.
+
+_November 16th._
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Though I have not written to you for a long time I often
+think about you and Mr. Gilray and the rest and the Arcadia Mixture, and
+I beg to state that my mother will have informed you I am well and happy
+but a little overworked, as I am desirous of pleasing my preceptor by
+obtaining a credible position in the exams, and we breakfast at 7:30
+sharp. I suppose you are to give me a six-shilling thing again as a
+Christmas present, so I drop you a line not to buy something I don't
+want, as it is only thirty-nine days to Christmas. I think I'll have a
+book again, but not a fairy tale or any of that sort, nor the "Swiss
+Family Robinson," nor any of the old books. There is a rattling story
+called "Kidnapped," by H. Rider Haggard, but it is only five shillings,
+so if you thought of it you could make up the six shillings by giving me
+a football belt. Last year you gave me "The Formation of Character," and
+I read it with great mental improvement and all that, but this time I
+want a change, namely, (1) not a fairy tale, (2) not an old book, (3)
+not mental improvement book. Don't fix on anything without telling me
+first what it is. Tell William John I walked into Darky and settled him
+in three rounds. Best regards to Mr. Gilray and the others.
+
+
+II.
+
+_November 19th_.
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Our preceptor is against us writing letters he doesn't see,
+so I have to carry the paper to the dormitory up my waistcoat and write
+there, and I wish old Poppy smoked the Arcadia Mixture to make him more
+like you. Never mind about the football belt, as I got Johnny Fox's for
+two white mice; so I don't want "Kidnapped," which I wrote about to you,
+as I want you to stick to six-shilling book. There is one called "Dead
+Man's Rock" that Dickson Secundus has heard about, and it sounds well;
+but it is never safe to go by the name, so don't buy it till I hear more
+about it. If you see biographies of it in the newspapers you might send
+them to me, as it should be about pirates by the title, but the author
+does not give his name, which is rather suspicious. So, remember, don't
+buy it yet, and also find out price, whether illustrated, and how many
+pages. Ballantyne's story this year is about the fire-brigade; but I
+don't think I'll have it, as he is getting rather informative, and I
+have one of his about the fire-brigade already. Of course I don't fix
+not to have it, only don't buy it at present. Don't buy "Dead Man's
+Rock" either. I am working diligently, and tell the housekeeper my socks
+is all right. We may fix on "Dead Man's Rock," but it is best not to be
+in a hurry.
+
+
+III.
+
+_November 24th_.
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--I don't think I'll have "Dead Man's Rock," as Hope has two
+stories out this year, and he is a safe man to go to. The worst of it is
+that they are three-and-six each, and Dickson Secundus says they are
+continuations of each other, so it is best to have them both or neither.
+The two at three-and-six would make seven shillings, and I wonder if you
+would care to go that length this year. I am getting on first rate with
+my Greek, and will do capital if my health does not break down with
+overpressure. Perhaps if you bought the two you would get them for 6s.
+6d. Or what do you say to the housekeeper's giving me a shilling of it,
+and not sending the neckties?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+IV.
+
+_November 26th._
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--I was disappointed at not hearing from you this morning,
+but conclude you are very busy. I don't want Hope's books, but I think
+I'll rather have a football. We played Gloucester on Tuesday and beat
+them all to sticks (five goals two tries to one try!!!). It would cost
+7s. 6d., and I'll make up the one-and-six myself out of my pocket-money;
+but you can pay it all just now, and then I'll pay you later when I am
+more flush than I am at present. I'd better buy it myself, or you might
+not get the right kind, so you might send the money in a postal order by
+return. You get the postal orders at the nearest postoffice, and inclose
+them in a letter. I want the football at once. (1) Not a book of any
+kind whatever; (2) a football, but I'll buy it myself; (3) price 7s.
+6d.; (4) send postal order.
+
+
+V.
+
+_November 29th._
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Kindly inform William John that I am in receipt of his
+favor of yesterday prox., and also your message, saying am I sure it is
+a football I want. I have to inform you that I have changed my mind and
+think I'll stick to a book (or two books according to price), after all.
+Dickson Secundus has seen a newspaper biography of "Dead Man's Rock" and
+it is ripping, but, unfortunately, there is a lot in it about a girl. So
+don't buy "Dead Man's Rock" for me. I told Fox about Hope's two books
+and he advises me to get one of them (3s. 6d.), and to take the rest of
+the money (2s. 6d.) in cash, making in all six shillings. I don't know
+if I should like that plan, though fair to both parties, as Dickson
+Secundus once took money from his father instead of a book and it went
+like winking with nothing left to show for it; but I'll think it over
+between my scholastic tasks and write to you again, so do nothing till
+you hear from me, and mind I don't want football.
+
+
+
+VI.
+
+_December 3d_.
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Don't buy Hope's books. There is a grand story out by
+Jules Verne about a man who made a machine that enabled him to walk on
+his head through space with seventy-five illustrations; but the worst of
+it is it costs half a guinea. Of course I don't ask you to give so much
+as that; but it is a pity it cost so much, as it is evidently a ripping
+book, and nothing like it. Ten-and-six is a lot of money. What do you
+think? I inclose for your consideration a newspaper account of it,
+which says it will fire the imagination and teach boys to be manly and
+self-reliant. Of course you could not give it to me; but I think it
+would do me good, and am working so hard that I have no time for
+physical exercise. It is to be got at all booksellers. P.S.--Fox has
+read "Dead Man's Rock," and likes it A 1.
+
+
+VII.
+
+_December 4th._
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--I was thinking about Jules Verne's book last night after I
+went to bed, and I see a way of getting it which both Dickson Secundus
+and Fox consider fair. I want you to give it to me as my Christmas
+present for both this year and next year. Thus I won't want a present
+from you next Christmas; but I don't mind that so long as I get this
+book. One six-shilling book this year and another next year would come
+to 12s., and Jules Verne's book is only 10s. 6d., so this plan will save
+you 1s. 6d. in the long run. I think you should buy it at once, in case
+they are all sold out before Christmas.
+
+
+VIII.
+
+_December 5th._
+
+MY DEAR UNCLE:--I hope you haven't bought the book yet, as Dickson
+Secundus has found out that there is a shop in the Strand where all the
+books are sold cheap. You get threepence off every shilling, so you
+would get a ten-and-six book for 7s. 10-1/2d. That will let you get me
+a cheapish one next year, after all. I inclose the address.
+
+
+
+IX.
+
+_December 7th_.
+
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Dickson Secundus was looking to-day at "The Formation of
+Character," which you gave me last year, and he has found out that it
+was bought in the shop in the Strand that I wrote you about, so you got
+it for 4s. 6d. We have been looking up the books I got from you at other
+Christmases, and they all have the stamp on them which shows they were
+bought at that shop. Some of them I got when I was a kid, and that was
+the time you gave me 2s. and 3s. 6d. books; but Dickson Secundus and Fox
+have been helping me to count up how much you owe me as follows:
+
+                                       _Nominal_       _Price_
+                                       _Price_         _Paid_
+
+                                       _£_ _s._ _d._   _s._ _d._
+  1850 "Sunshine and Shadow"            0   2    0      1    6
+  1881 "Honesty Jack"                   0   2    0      1    6
+  1882 "The Boy Makes the Man"          0   3    6      2    7-1/2
+  1883 "Great Explorers"                0   3    6      2    7-1/2
+  1884 "Shooting the Rapids"            0   3    6      2    7-1/2
+  1885 "The Boy Voyagers"               0   5    0      3    9
+  1886 "The Formation of Character"     0   6    0      4    6
+                                       ____________    ___________
+                                        1   5    6     19    1-1/2
+                                        0  19  1-1/2
+                                       _____________
+                                        0   6  4-1/2
+
+
+Thus 6s. 4-1/2d. is the exact sum. The best plan will be for you not to
+buy anything for me till I get my holidays, when my father is to bring
+me to London. Tell William John I am coming.
+
+P.S.--I told my father about the Arcadia Mixture, and that is why he is
+coming to London.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+ENGLISH-GROWN TOBACCO.
+
+
+Pettigrew asked me to come to his house one evening and test some
+tobacco that had been grown in his brother's Devonshire garden. I had
+so far had no opportunity of judging for myself whether this attempt
+to grow tobacco on English soil was to succeed. Very complimentary was
+Pettigrew's assertion that he had restrained himself from trying the
+tobacco until we could test it in company. At the dinner-table while
+Mrs. Pettigrew was present we managed to talk for a time of other
+matters; but the tobacco was on our minds, and I was glad to see that,
+despite her raillery, my hostess had a genuine interest in the coming
+experiment. She drew an amusing picture, no doubt a little exaggerated,
+of her husband's difficulty in refraining from testing the tobacco until
+my arrival, declaring that every time she entered the smoking-room she
+found him staring at it. Pettigrew took this in good part, and informed
+me that she had carried the tobacco several times into the drawing-room
+to show it proudly to her friends. He was very delighted, he said, that
+I was to remain over night, as that would give us a long evening to test
+the tobacco thoroughly. A neighbor of his had also been experimenting;
+and Pettigrew, who has a considerable sense of humor, told me a
+diverting story about this gentleman and his friends having passed
+judgment on home-grown tobacco after smoking one pipe of it! We were
+laughing over the ridiculously unsatisfactory character of this test
+(so called) when we adjourned to the smoking-room. Before we did so Mrs.
+Pettigrew bade me good-night. She had also left strict orders with the
+servants that we were on no account to be disturbed.
+
+As soon as we were comfortably seated in our smoking-chairs, which takes
+longer than some people think, Pettigrew offered me a Cabana. I would
+have preferred to begin at once with the tobacco; but of course he was
+my host, and I put myself entirely in his hands. I noticed that, from
+the moment his wife left us, he was a little excited, talking more than
+is his wont. He seemed to think that he was not doing his duty as a
+host if the conversation flagged for a moment, and what was still more
+curious, he spoke of everything except his garden tobacco. I emphasize
+this here at starting, lest any one should think that I was in any way
+responsible for the manner in which our experiment was conducted. If
+fault there was, it lies at Pettigrew's door. I remember distinctly
+asking him--not in a half-hearted way, but boldly--to produce his
+tobacco. I did this at an early hour of the proceedings, immediately
+after I had lighted a second cigar. The reason I took that cigar will
+be obvious to every gentleman who smokes. Had I declined it, Pettigrew
+might have thought that I disliked the brand, which would have been
+painful to him. However, he did not at once bring out the tobacco;
+indeed, his precise words, I remember, were that we had lots of time.
+As his guest I could not press him further.
+
+Pettigrew smokes more quickly than I do, and he had reached the end of
+his second cigar when there was still five minutes of mine left. It
+distresses me to have to say what followed. He hastily lighted a third
+cigar, and then, unlocking a cupboard, produced about two ounces of
+his garden tobacco. His object was only too plain. Having just begun a
+third cigar he could not be expected to try the tobacco at present, but
+there was nothing to prevent my trying it. I regarded Pettigrew rather
+contemptuously, and then I looked with much interest at the tobacco. It
+was of an inky color. When I looked up I caught Pettigrew's eye on me.
+He withdrew it hurriedly, but soon afterward I saw him looking in the
+same sly way again. There was a rather painful silence for a time, and
+then he asked me if I had anything to say. I replied firmly that I was
+looking forward to trying the tobacco with very great interest. By this
+time my cigar was reduced to a stump, but, for reasons that Pettigrew
+misunderstood, I continued to smoke it. Somehow our chairs had got out
+of position now, and we were sitting with our backs to each other.
+I felt that Pettigrew was looking at me covertly over his shoulder,
+and took a side glance to make sure of this. Our eyes met, and I bit
+my lip. If there is one thing I loathe, it is to be looked at in this
+shame-faced manner.
+
+I continued to smoke the stump of my cigar until it scorched my
+under-lip, and at intervals Pettigrew said, without looking round, that
+my cigar seemed everlasting. I treated his innuendo with contempt; but
+at last I had to let the cigar-end go. Not to make a fuss, I dropped
+it very quietly; but Pettigrew must have been listening for the sound.
+He wheeled round at once, and pushed the garden tobacco toward me.
+Never, perhaps, have I thought so little of him as at that moment. My
+indignation probably showed in my face, for he drew back, saying that he
+thought I "wanted to try it." Now I had never said that I did not want
+to try it. The reader has seen that I went to Pettigrew's house solely
+with the object of trying the tobacco. Had Pettigrew, then, any ground
+for insinuating that I did not mean to try it? Restraining my passion,
+I lighted a third cigar, and then put the question to him bluntly. Did
+he, or did he not, mean to try that tobacco? I dare say I was a little
+brusque; but it must be remembered that I had come all the way from the
+inn, at considerable inconvenience, to give the tobacco a thorough trial.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As is the way with men of Pettigrew's type, when you corner them, he
+attempted to put the blame on me. "Why had I not tried the tobacco,"
+he asked, "instead of taking a third cigar?" For reply, I asked bitingly
+if that was not his third cigar. He admitted it was, but said that he
+smoked more quickly than I did, as if that put his behavior in a more
+favorable light. I smoked my third cigar very slowly, not because I
+wanted to put off the experiment; for, as every one must have noted,
+I was most anxious to try it, but just to see what would happen. When
+Pettigrew had finished his cigar--and I thought he would never be done
+with it--he gazed at the garden tobacco for a time, and then took a pipe
+from the mantelpiece. He held it first in one hand, then in the other,
+and then he brightened up and said he would clean his pipes. This he did
+very slowly. When he had cleaned all his pipes he again looked at the
+garden tobacco, which I pushed toward him. He glared at me as if I had
+not been doing a friendly thing, and then said, in an apologetic manner,
+that he would smoke a pipe until my cigar was finished. I said "All
+right" cordially, thinking that he now meant to begin the experiment;
+but conceive my feelings when he produced a jar of the Arcadia Mixture.
+He filled his pipe with this and proceeded to light it, looking at me
+defiantly. His excuse about waiting till I had finished was too pitiful
+to take notice of. I finished my cigar in a few minutes, and now was the
+time when I would have liked to begin the experiment. As Pettigrew's
+guest, however, I could not take that liberty, though he impudently
+pushed the garden tobacco toward me. I produced my pipe, my intention
+being only to half fill it with Arcadia, so that Pettigrew and I might
+finish our pipes at the same time. Custom, however, got the better of
+me, and inadvertently I filled my pipe, only noticing this when it was
+too late to remedy the mistake. Pettigrew thus finished before me; and
+though I advised him to begin on the garden tobacco without waiting for
+me, he insisted on smoking half a pipeful of Arcadia, just to keep me
+company. It was an extraordinary thing that, try as we might, we could
+not finish our pipes at the same time.
+
+About 2 A.M. Pettigrew said something about going to bed; and I rose and
+put down my pipe. We stood looking at the fireplace for a time, and he
+expressed regret that I had to leave so early in the morning. Then he
+put out two of the lights, and after that we both looked at the garden
+tobacco. He seemed to have a sudden idea; for rather briskly he tied the
+tobacco up into a neat paper parcel and handed it to me, saying that I
+would perhaps give it a trial at the inn. I took it without a word, but
+opening my hand suddenly I let it fall. My first impulse was to pick
+it up; but then it struck me that Pettigrew had not noticed what had
+happened, and that, were he to see me pick it up, he might think that
+I had not taken sufficient care of it. So I let it lie, and, bidding
+him good-night, went off to bed. I was at the foot of the stair when
+I thought that, after all, I should like the tobacco, so I returned.
+I could not see the package anywhere, but something was fizzing up the
+chimney, and Pettigrew had the tongs in his hand. He muttered something
+about his wife taking up wrong notions. Next morning that lady was very
+satirical about our having smoked the whole two ounces.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+HOW HEROES SMOKE.
+
+
+On a tiger-skin from the ice-clad regions of the sunless north recline
+the heroes of Ouida, rose-scented cigars in their mouths; themselves
+gloriously indolent and disdainful, but perhaps huddled a little too
+closely together on account of the limited accommodation. Strathmore is
+here. But I never felt sure of Strathmore. Was there not less in him
+than met the eye? His place, Whiteladies, was a home for kings and
+queens; but he was not the luxurious, magnanimous creature he feigned
+to be. A host may be known by the cigars he keeps; and, though it is
+perhaps a startling thing to say, we have good reason for believing that
+Strathmore did not buy good cigars. I question very much whether he had
+many Havanas, even of the second quality, at Whiteladies; if he had, he
+certainly kept them locked up. Only once does he so much as refer to
+them when at his own place, and then in the most general and suspicious
+way. "Bah!" he exclaims to a friend; "there is Phil smoking these
+wretched musk-scented cigarettes again! they are only fit for Lady
+Georgie or Eulalie Papellori. What taste, when there are my Havanas and
+cheroots!" The remark, in whatever way considered, is suggestive. In the
+first place, it is made late in the evening, after Strathmore and his
+friend have left the smoking-room. Thus it is a safe observation. I
+would not go so far as to say that he had no Havanas in the house; the
+likelihood is that he had a few in his cigar-case, kept there for show
+rather than use. These, if I understand the man, would be a good brand,
+but of small size--perhaps Reinas--and they would hardly be of a
+well-known crop. In color they would be dark--say maduro--and he would
+explain that he bought them because he liked full-flavored weeds.
+Possibly he had a Villar y Villar box with six or eight in the bottom of
+it; but boxes are not cigars. What he did provide his friends with was
+Manillas. He smoked them himself, and how careful he was of them is seen
+on every other page. He is constantly stopping in the middle of his
+conversation to "curl a loose leaf round his Manilla;" when one would
+have expected a hero like Strathmore to fling away a cigar when its
+leaves began to untwist, and light another. So thrifty is Strathmore
+that he even laboriously "curls the leaves round his cigarettes"--he
+does not so much as pretend that they are Egyptian; nay, even when
+quarrelling with Errol, his beloved friend (whom he shoots through the
+heart), he takes a cigarette from his mouth and "winds a loosened leaf"
+round it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+If Strathmore's Manillas were Capitan Generals they would cost him about
+24s. a hundred. The probability, however, is that they were of inferior
+quality; say, 17s. 6d. It need hardly be said that a good Manilla does
+not constantly require to have its leaves "curled." When Errol goes into
+the garden to smoke, he has every other minute to "strike a fusee;" from
+which it may be inferred that his cigar frequently goes out. This is
+in itself suspicious. Errol, too, is more than once seen by his host
+wandering in the grounds at night, with a cigar between his teeth.
+Strathmore thinks his susceptible friend has a love affair on hand; but
+is it not at least as probable an explanation that Errol had a private
+supply of cigars at Whiteladies, and from motives of delicacy did not
+like to smoke them in his host's presence? Once, indeed, we do see
+Strathmore smoking a good cigar, though we are not told how he came by
+it. When talking of the Vavasour, he "sticks his penknife through his
+Cabana," with the object, obviously, of smoking it to the bitter end.
+Another lady novelist, who is also an authority on tobacco, Miss Rhoda
+Broughton, contemptuously dismisses a claimant for the heroship of one
+of her stories, as the kind of man who turns up his trousers at the
+foot. It would have been just as withering to say that he stuck a
+penknife through his cigars.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is another true hero with me, whose creator has unintentionally
+misrepresented him. It is he of "Comin' thro' the Rye," a gentleman whom
+the maidens of the nineteenth century will not willingly let die. He is
+grand, no doubt; and yet, the more one thinks about him, the plainer it
+becomes that had the heroine married him she would have been bitterly
+disenchanted. In her company he was magnanimous; god-like, prodigal;
+but in his smoking-room he showed himself in his true colors. Every
+lady will remember the scene where he rushes to the heroine's home and
+implores her to return with him to the bedside of his dying wife. The
+sudden announcement that his wife--whom he had thought in a good state
+of health--is dying, is surely enough to startle even a miser out of his
+niggardliness, much less a hero; and yet what do we find Vasher doing?
+The heroine, in frantic excitement, has to pass through his smoking
+room, and on the table she sees--what? "A half-smoked cigar." He was in
+the middle of it when a servant came to tell him of his wife's dying
+request; and, before hastening to execute her wishes, he carefully
+laid what was left of his cigar upon the table--meaning, of course, to
+relight it when he came back. Though she did not think so, our heroine's
+father was a much more remarkable man than Vasher. He "blew out long,
+comfortable clouds" that made the whole of his large family "cough and
+wink again." No ordinary father could do that.
+
+Among my smoking-room favorites is the hero of Miss Adeline Sergeant's
+story, "Touch and Go." He is a war correspondent; and when he sees a
+body of the enemy bearing down upon him and the wounded officer whom he
+has sought to save, he imperturbably offers his companion a cigar. They
+calmly smoke on while the foe gallop up. There is something grand in
+this, even though the kind of cigar is not mentioned.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I see a bearded hero, with slouch hat and shepherd's crook, a clay pipe
+in his mouth. He is a Bohemian--ever a popular type of hero; and the
+Bohemian is to be known all the world over by the pipe, which he prefers
+to a cigar. The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the
+door, "blowing great clouds of smoke into the air," is the hero of a
+hundred novels. That is how he is always standing when the heroine,
+having need of something she has left in the drawing-room, glides down
+the stairs at night in her dressing-gown (her beautiful hair, released
+from its ribbons, streaming down her neck and shoulders), and comes most
+unexpectedly upon him. He is young. The senior, over whose face "a smile
+flickers for a moment" when the heroine says something naÔve, and whom
+she (entirely misunderstanding her feelings) thinks she hates, smokes
+unostentatiously; but though a little inclined to quiet "chaff," he is a
+man of deep feeling. By and by he will open out and gather her up in his
+arms. The scorner's chair is filled. I see him, shadow-like, a sad-eyed,
+_blasÈ_ gentleman, who has been adored by all the beauties of
+fifteen seasons, and yet speaks of woman with a contemptuous sneer.
+Great, however, is love; and the vulgar little girl who talks slang will
+prove to him in our next volume that there is still one peerless beyond
+all others of her sex. Ah, a wondrous thing is love! On every side of
+me there are dark, handsome men, with something sinister in their smile,
+"casting away their cigars with a muffled curse." No novel would be
+complete without them. When they are foiled by the brave girl of the
+narrative, it is the recognized course with them to fling away their
+cigars with a muffled curse. Any kind of curse would do, but muffled
+ones are preferred.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS EVE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A few years ago, as some may remember, a startling ghost-paper appeared
+in the monthly organ of the Society for Haunting Houses. The writer
+guaranteed the truth of his statement, and even gave the name of the
+Yorkshire manor-house in which the affair took place. The article and
+the discussion to which it gave rise agitated me a good deal, and I
+consulted Pettigrew about the advisability of clearing up the mystery.
+The writer wrote that he "distinctly saw his arm pass through the
+apparition and come out at the other side," and indeed I still remember
+his saying so next morning. He had a scared face, but I had presence of
+mind to continue eating my rolls and marmalade as if my brier had
+nothing to do with the miraculous affair.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Seeing that he made a "paper" of it, I suppose he is justified in
+touching up the incidental details. He says, for instance, that we were
+told the story of the ghost which is said to haunt the house, just
+before going to bed. As far as I remember, it was only mentioned at
+luncheon, and then sceptically. Instead of there being snow falling
+outside and an eerie wind wailing through the skeleton trees, the night
+was still and muggy. Lastly, I did not know, until the journal reached
+my hands, that he was put into the room known as the Haunted Chamber,
+nor that in that room the fire is noted for casting weird shadows upon
+the walls. This, however, may be so. The legend of the manor-house ghost
+he tells precisely as it is known to me. The tragedy dates back to the
+time of Charles I., and is led up to by a pathetic love-story, which I
+need not give. Suffice it that for seven days and nights the old steward
+had been anxiously awaiting the return of his young master and mistress
+from their honeymoon. On Christmas eve, after he had gone to bed, there
+was a great clanging of the door-bell. Flinging on a dressing-gown,
+he hastened downstairs. According to the story, a number of servants
+watched him, and saw by the light of his candle that his face was an
+ashy white. He took off the chains of the door, unbolted it, and pulled
+it open. What he saw no human being knows; but it must have been
+something awful, for, without a cry, the old steward fell dead in the
+hall. Perhaps the strangest part of the story is this: that the shadow
+of a burly man, holding a pistol in his hand, entered by the open
+door, stepped over the steward's body, and, gliding up the stairs,
+disappeared, no one could say where. Such is the legend. I shall not
+tell the many ingenious explanations of it that have been offered.
+Every Christmas eve, however, the silent scene is said to be gone
+through again; and tradition declares that no person lives for twelve
+months at whom the ghostly intruder points his pistol.
+
+On Christmas Day the gentleman who tells the tale in a scientific
+journal created some sensation at the breakfast-table by solemnly
+asserting that he had seen the ghost. Most of the men present scouted
+his story, which may be condensed into a few words. He had retired
+to his bedroom at a fairly early hour, and as he opened the door his
+candle-light was blown out. He tried to get a light from the fire, but
+it was too low, and eventually he went to bed in the semi-darkness. He
+was wakened--he did not know at what hour--by the clanging of a bell.
+He sat up in bed, and the ghost-story came in a rush to his mind. His
+fire was dead, and the room was consequently dark; yet by and by he knew,
+though he heard no sound, that his door had opened. He cried out, "Who
+is that?" but got no answer. By an effort he jumped up and went to the
+door, which was ajar. His bedroom was on the first floor, and looking up
+the stairs he could see nothing. He felt a cold sensation at his heart,
+however, when he looked the other way. Going slowly and without a
+sound down the stairs, was an old man in a dressing-gown. He carried
+a candle. From the top of the stairs only part of the hall is visible,
+but as the apparition disappeared the watcher had the courage to go
+down a few steps after him. At first nothing was to be seen, for the
+candle-light had vanished. A dim light, however, entered by the long,
+narrow windows which flank the hall door, and after a moment the
+on-looker could see that the hall was empty. He was marvelling at this
+sudden disappearance of the steward, when, to his horror, he saw a body
+fall upon the hall floor within a few feet of the door. The watcher
+cannot say whether he cried out, nor how long he stood there trembling.
+He came to himself with a start as he realized that something was coming
+up the stairs. Fear prevented his taking flight, and in a moment the
+thing was at his side. Then he saw indistinctly that it was not the
+figure he had seen descend. He saw a younger man, in a heavy overcoat,
+but with no hat on his head. He wore on his face a look of extravagant
+triumph. The guest boldly put out his hand toward the figure. To his
+amazement his arm went through it. The ghost paused for a moment and
+looked behind it. It was then the watcher realized that it carried
+a pistol in its right hand. He was by this time in a highly strung
+condition, and he stood trembling lest the pistol should be pointed at
+him. The apparition, however, rapidly glided up the stairs and was soon
+lost to sight. Such are the main facts of the story, none of which I
+contradicted at the time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I cannot say absolutely that I can clear up this mystery, but my
+suspicions are confirmed by a good deal of circumstantial evidence. This
+will not be understood unless I explain my strange infirmity. Wherever
+I went I used to be troubled with a presentiment that I had left my pipe
+behind. Often, even at the dinner-table, I paused in the middle of a
+sentence as if stricken with sudden pain. Then my hand went down to my
+pocket. Sometimes even after I felt my pipe, I had a conviction that it
+was stopped, and only by a desperate effort did I keep myself from
+producing it and blowing down it. I distinctly remember once dreaming
+three nights in succession that I was on the Scotch express without it.
+More than once, I know, I have wandered in my sleep, looking for it
+in all sorts of places, and after I went to bed I generally jumped out,
+just to make sure of it. My strong belief, then, is that I was the
+ghost seen by the writer of the paper. I fancy that I rose in my sleep,
+lighted a candle, and wandered down to the hall to feel if my pipe was
+safe in my coat, which was hanging there. The light had gone out when
+I was in the hall. Probably the body seen to fall on the hall floor was
+some other coat which I had flung there to get more easily at my own.
+I cannot account for the bell; but perhaps the gentleman in the Haunted
+Chamber dreamed that part of the affair. I had put on the overcoat
+before reascending; indeed I may say that next morning I was surprised
+to find it on a chair in my bedroom, also to notice that there were
+several long streaks of candle-grease on my dressing-gown. I conclude
+that the pistol, which gave my face such a look of triumph, was my
+brier, which I found in the morning beneath my pillow. The strangest
+thing of all, perhaps, is that when I awoke there was a smell of
+tobacco-smoke in the bedroom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+NOT THE ARCADIA.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Those who do not know the Arcadia may have a mixture that their
+uneducated palate loves, but they are always ready to try other
+mixtures. The Arcadian, however, will never help himself from an
+outsider's pouch. Nevertheless, there was one black week when we all
+smoked the ordinary tobaccoes. Owing to a terrible oversight on the part
+of our purveyor, there was no Arcadia to smoke.
+
+We ought to have put our pipes aside and existed on cigars; but the
+pipes were old friends, and desert them we could not. Each of us bought
+a different mixture, but they tasted alike and were equally abominable.
+I fell ill. Doctor Southwick, knowing no better, called my malady by
+a learned name, but I knew to what I owed it. Never shall I forget
+my delight when Jimmy broke into my room one day with a pound-tin of
+the Arcadia. Weak though I was, I opened my window and, seizing the
+half-empty packet of tobacco that had made me ill, hurled it into the
+street. The tobacco scattered before it fell, but I sat at the window
+gloating over the packet, which lay a dirty scrap of paper, where every
+cab might pass over it. What I call the street is more strictly a
+square, for my windows were at the back of the inn, and their view was
+somewhat plebeian. The square is the meeting-place of five streets, and
+at the corner of each the paper was caught up in a draught that bore it
+along to the next.
+
+Here, it may be thought, I gladly forgot the cause of my troubles, but
+I really watched the paper for days. My doctor came in while I was still
+staring at it, and instead of prescribing more medicine, he made a bet
+with me. It was that the scrap of paper would disappear before the
+dissolution of the government. I said it would be fluttering around
+after the government was dissolved, and if I lost, the doctor was to get
+a new stethoscope. If I won, my bill was to be accounted discharged.
+Thus, strange as it seemed, I had now cause to take a friendly interest
+in paper that I had previously loathed. Formerly the sight of it made me
+miserable; now I dreaded losing it. But I looked for it when I rose in
+the morning, and I could tell at once by its appearance what kind of
+night it had passed. Nay, more: I believed I was able to decide how the
+wind had been since sundown, whether there had been much traffic, and if
+the fire-engine had been out. There is a fire-station within view of the
+windows, and the paper had a specially crushed appearance, as if the
+heavy engine ran over it. However, though I felt certain that I could
+pick my scrap of paper out of a thousand scraps, the doctor insisted on
+making sure. The bet was consigned to writing on the very piece of paper
+that suggested it. The doctor went out and captured it himself. On the
+back of it the conditions of the wager were formally drawn up and signed
+by both of us. Then we opened the window and the paper was cast forth
+again. The doctor solemnly promised not to interfere with it, and I gave
+him a convalescent's word of honor to report progress honestly.
+
+Several days elapsed, and I no longer found time heavy on my hands. My
+attention was divided between two papers, the scrap in the square and my
+daily copy of the _Times_. Any morning the one might tell me that I had
+lost my bet, or the other that I had won it; and I hurried to the window
+fearing that the paper had migrated to another square, and hoping my
+_Times_ might contain the information that the government was out.
+I felt that neither could last very much longer. It was remarkable how
+much my interest in politics had increased since I made this wager.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The doctor, I believe, relied chiefly on the scavengers. He thought they
+were sure to pounce upon the scrap soon. I did not, however, see why
+I should fear them. They came into the square so seldom, and stayed so
+short a time when they did come, that I disregarded them. If the doctor
+knew how much they kept away he might say I bribed them. But perhaps he
+knew their ways. I got a fright one day from a dog. It was one of those
+low-looking animals that infest the square occasionally in half-dozens,
+but seldom alone. It ran up one of the side streets, and before I
+realized what had happened it had the paper in its mouth. Then it stood
+still and looked around. For me that was indeed a trying moment. I stood
+at the window.
+
+The impulse seized me to fling open the sash and shake my fist at
+the brute; but luckily I remembered in time my promise to the doctor.
+I question if man was ever so interested in mongrel before. At one of the
+street corners there was a house to let, being meantime, as I had reason
+to believe, in the care of the wife of a police constable. A cat was
+often to be seen coming up from the area to lounge in the doorway. To
+that cat I firmly believe I owe it that I did not then lose my wager.
+Faithful animal! it came up to the door, it stretched itself; in the act
+of doing so it caught sight of the dog, and put up its back. The dog,
+resenting this demonstration of feeling, dropped the scrap of paper and
+made for the cat. I sank back into my chair.
+
+There was a greater disaster to be recorded next day. A workingman
+in the square, looking about him for a pipe-light, espied the paper
+frisking near the curb-stone. He picked it up with the obvious intention
+of lighting it at the stove of a wandering vender of hot chestnuts who
+had just crossed the square. The workingman followed, twisting the paper
+as he went, when--good luck again--a young butcher almost ran into him,
+and the loafer, with true presence of mind, at once asked him for a
+match. At any rate a match passed between them; and, to my infinite
+relief, the paper was flung away.
+
+I concealed the cause of my excitement from William John. He
+nevertheless wondered to see me run to the window every time the wind
+seemed to be rising, and getting anxious when it rained. Seeing that my
+health prevented my leaving the house, he could not make out why I
+should be so interested in the weather. Once I thought he was fairly on
+the scent. A sudden blast of wind had caught up the paper and whirled it
+high in the air. I may have uttered an ejaculation, for he came hurrying
+to the window. He found me pointing unwittingly to what was already a
+white speck sailing to the roof of the fire-station. "Is it a pigeon?"
+he asked. I caught at the idea. "Yes, a carrier-pigeon," I murmured in
+reply; "they sometimes, I believe, send messages to the fire-stations in
+that way." Coolly as I said this, I was conscious of grasping the
+window-sill in pure nervousness till the scrap began to flutter back
+into the square.
+
+Next it was squeezed between two of the bars of a drain. That was the
+last I saw of it, and the following morning the doctor had won his
+stethoscope--only by a few hours, however, for the government's end was
+announced in the evening papers. My defeat discomfited me for a little,
+but soon I was pleased that I had lost. I would not care to win a bet
+over any mixture but the Arcadia.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+A FACE THAT HAUNTED MARRIOT.
+
+
+"This is not a love affair," Marriot shouted, apologetically.
+
+He had sat the others out again, but when I saw his intention I escaped
+into my bedroom, and now refused to come out.
+
+"Look here," he cried, changing his tone, "if you don't come out I'll
+tell you all about it through the keyhole. It is the most extraordinary
+story, and I can't keep it to myself. On my word of honor it isn't a
+love affair--at least not exactly."
+
+I let him talk after I had gone to bed.
+
+"You must know," he said, dropping cigarette ashes onto my pillow every
+minute, "that some time ago I fell in with Jack Goring's father, Colonel
+Goring. Jack and I had been David and Jonathan at Cambridge, and though
+we had not met for years, I looked forward with pleasure to meeting him
+again. He was a widower, and his father and he kept joint house. But the
+house was dreary now, for the colonel was alone in it. Jack was off on
+a scientific expedition to the Pacific; all the girls had been married
+for years. After dinner my host and I had rather a dull hour in the
+smoking-room. I could not believe that Jack had grown very stout. 'I'll
+show you his photograph,' said the colonel. An album was brought down
+from a dusty shelf, and then I had to admit that my old friend had
+become positively corpulent. But it is not Jack I want to speak about.
+I turned listlessly over the pages of the album, stopping suddenly at
+the face of a beautiful girl. You are not asleep, are you?
+
+"I am not naturally sentimental, as you know, and even now I am not
+prepared to admit that I fell in love with this face. It was not, I
+think, that kind of attraction. Possibly I should have passed the
+photograph by had it not suggested old times to me--old times with a
+veil over them, for I could not identify the face. That I had at some
+period of my life known the original I felt certain, but I tapped my
+memory in vain. The lady was a lovely blonde, with a profusion of fair
+hair, and delicate features that were Roman when they were not Greek.
+To describe a beautiful woman is altogether beyond me. No doubt this
+face had faults. I fancy, for instance, that there was little character
+in the chin, and that the eyes were 'melting' rather than expressive.
+It was a vignette, the hands being clasped rather fancifully at the back
+of the head. My fingers drummed on the album as I sat there pondering;
+but when or where I had met the original I could not decide. The colonel
+could give me no information. The album was Jack's, he said, and
+probably had not been opened for years. The photograph, too, was an
+old one; he was sure it had been in the house long before his son's
+marriage, so that (and here the hard-hearted old gentleman chuckled) it
+could no longer be like the original. As he seemed inclined to become
+witty at my expense, I closed the album, and soon afterward I went away.
+I say, wake up!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"From that evening the face haunted me. I do not mean that it possessed
+me to the exclusion of everything else, but at odd moments it would
+rise before me, and then I fell into a revery. You must have noticed
+my thoughtfulness of late. Often I have laid down my paper at the club
+and tried to think back to the original. She was probably better known
+to Jack Goring than to myself. All I was sure of was that she had been
+known to both of us. Jack and I had first met at Cambridge. I thought
+over the ladies I had known there, especially those who had been friends
+of Goring's. Jack had never been a 'lady's man' precisely; but, as he
+used to say, comparing himself with me, 'he had a heart.' The annals of
+our Cambridge days were searched in vain. I tried the country house in
+which he and I had spent a good many of our vacations. Suddenly I
+remembered the reading-party in Devonshire--but no, she was dark. Once
+Jack and I had a romantic adventure in Glencoe in which a lady and her
+daughter were concerned. We tried to make the most of it; but in our
+hearts we knew, after we had seen her by the morning light, that the
+daughter was not beautiful. Then there was the French girl at Algiers.
+Jack had kept me hanging on in Algiers a week longer than we meant to
+stay. The pose of the head, the hands clasped behind it, a trick so
+irritatingly familiar to me--was that the French girl? No, the lady
+I was struggling to identify was certainly English. I'm sure you're
+asleep.
+
+"A month elapsed before I had an opportunity of seeing the photograph
+again. An idea had struck me which I meant to carry out. This was to
+trace the photograph by means of the photographer. I did not like,
+however, to mention the subject to Colonel Goring again, so I contrived
+to find the album while he was out of the smoking-room. The number of
+the photograph and the address of the photographer were all I wanted;
+but just as I had got the photograph out of the album my host returned.
+I slipped the thing quickly into my pocket, and he gave me no chance
+of replacing it. Thus it was owing to an accident that I carried
+the photograph away. My theft rendered me no assistance. True, the
+photographer's name and address were there; but when I went to the place
+mentioned it had disappeared to make way for 'residential chambers.' I
+have a few other Cambridge friends here, and I showed some of these the
+photograph. One, I am now aware, is under the impression that I am to be
+married soon, but the others were rational. Grierson, of the War Office,
+recognized the portrait at once. 'She is playing small parts at the
+Criterion,' he said. Finchley, who is a promising man at the bar, also
+recognized her. 'Her portraits were in all the illustrated papers five
+years ago,' he told me, 'at the time when she got twelve months.' They
+contradicted each other about her, however, and I satisfied myself that
+she was neither an actress at the Criterion nor the adventuress of 1883.
+It was, of course, conceivable that she was an actress, but if so her
+face was not known in the fancy stationers' windows. Are you listening?
+
+"I saw that the mystery would remain unsolved until Jack's return home;
+and when I had a letter from him a week ago, asking me to dine with him
+to-night, I accepted eagerly. He was just home, he said, and I would
+meet an old Cambridge man. We were to dine at Jack's club, and I took
+the photograph with me. I recognized Jack as soon as I entered the
+waiting-room of the club. A very short, very fat, smooth-faced man was
+sitting beside him, with his hands clasped behind his head. I believe I
+gasped. 'Don't you remember Tom Rufus,' Jack asked, 'who used to play
+the female part at the Cambridge A.D.C.? Why, you helped me to choose
+his wig at Fox's. I have a photograph of him in costume somewhere at
+home. You might recall him by his trick of sitting with his hands
+clasped behind his head.' I shook Rufus's hand. I went in to dinner,
+and probably behaved myself. Now that it is over I cannot help being
+thankful that I did not ask Jack for the name of the lady before I saw
+Rufus. Good-night. I think I've burned a hole in the pillow."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+ARCADIANS AT BAY.
+
+
+I have said that Jimmy spent much of his time in contributing to various
+leading waste-paper baskets, and that of an evening he was usually to
+be found prone on my hearth-rug. When he entered my room he was ever
+willing to tell us what he thought of editors, but his meerschaum with
+the cherry-wood stem gradually drove all passion from his breast, and
+instead of upbraiding more successful men than himself, he then lazily
+scribbled letters to them on my wall-paper. The wall to the right of the
+fireplace was thick with these epistles, which seemed to give Jimmy
+relief, though William John had to scrape and scrub at them next morning
+with india-rubber. Jimmy's sarcasm--to which that wall-paper can probably
+still speak--generally took this form:
+
+
+_To G. Buckle, Esq., Columbia Road, Shoreditch_.
+
+SIR:--I am requested by Mr. James Moggridge, editor of the _Times_,
+to return you the inclosed seven manuscripts, and to express his regret
+that there is at present no vacancy in the sub-editorial department of
+the _Times_ such as Mr. Buckle kindly offers to fill.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+P. R. (for J. Moggridge, Ed. _Times_).
+
+
+
+_To Mr. James Knowles, Brick Lane, Spitalfields_.
+
+DEAR SIR:--I regret to have to return the inclosed paper, which is
+not quite suitable for the _Nineteenth Century_. I find that articles
+by unknown men, however good in themselves, attract little attention.
+I inclose list of contributors for next month, including, as you will
+observe, seven members of upper circles, and remain your obedient
+servant,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Nineteenth Century_.
+
+
+
+_To Mr. W Pollock, Mile-End Road, Stepney_.
+
+SIR:--I have on two previous occasions begged you to cease sending daily
+articles to the _Saturday_. Should this continue we shall be reluctantly
+compelled to take proceedings against you. Why don't you try the _Sporting
+Times?_ Yours faithfully,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Saturday Review._
+
+
+
+_To Messrs. Sampson, Low & Co., Peabody Buildings, Islington._
+
+DEAR SIRS:--The manuscript which you forwarded for our consideration
+has received careful attention; but we do not think it would prove a
+success, and it is therefore returned to you herewith. We do not care
+to publish third-rate books. We remain yours obediently,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE & CO.
+(late Sampson, Low & Co.).
+
+
+
+_To H. Quilter, Esq., P.O. Bethnal Green._
+
+SIR:--I have to return your paper on Universal Art. It is not without
+merit; but I consider art such an important subject that I mean to deal
+with it exclusively myself. With thanks for kindly appreciation of my
+new venture, I am yours faithfully,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Universal Review._
+
+
+
+_To John Morley, Esq., Smith Street, Blackwall._
+
+SIR:--Yes, I distinctly remember meeting you on the occasion to which
+you refer, and it is naturally gratifying to me to hear that you enjoy
+my writing so much. Unfortunately, however, I am unable to accept your
+generous offer to do Lord Beaconsfield for the "English Men of Letters"
+series, as the volume has been already arranged for. Yours sincerely,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE,
+Ed. "English Men of Letters" series.
+
+
+
+_To F. C. Burnand, Esq., Peebles, N.B._
+
+SIR:--The jokes which you forwarded to _Punch_ on Monday last are
+so good that we used them three years ago. Yours faithfully,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Punch_.
+
+
+
+_To Mr. D'Oyley Carte, Cross Stone Buildings, Westminster Bridge Road._
+
+DEAR SIR:--The comic opera by your friends Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan,
+which you have submitted to me, as sole lessee and manager of the Savoy
+Theatre, is now returned to you unread. The little piece, judged from
+its title-page, is bright and pleasing, but I have arranged with two
+other gentlemen to write my operas for the next twenty-one years.
+Faithfully yours,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE,
+Sole Lessee and Manager Savoy Theatre.
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+_To James Ruskin, Esq., Railway Station Hotel, Willisden._
+
+SIR:--I warn you that I will not accept any more copies of your books.
+I do not know the individual named Tennyson to whom you refer; but if
+he is the scribbler who is perpetually sending me copies of his verses,
+please tell him that I read no poetry except my own. Why can't you leave
+me alone?
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Poet Laureate.
+
+
+
+These letters of Jimmy's remind me of our famous competition, which took
+place on the night of the Jubilee celebrations. When all the rest of
+London (including William John) was in the streets, the Arcadians met as
+usual, and Scrymgeour, at my request, put on the shutters to keep out
+the din. It so happened that Jimmy and Gilray were that night in wicked
+moods, for Jimmy, who was so anxious to be a journalist, had just had
+his seventeenth article returned from the _St. John's Gazette_, and
+Gilray had been "slated" for his acting of a new part, in all the
+leading papers. They were now disgracing the tobacco they smoked by
+quarrelling about whether critics or editors were the more disreputable
+class, when in walked Pettigrew, who had not visited us for months.
+Pettigrew is as successful a journalist as Jimmy is unfortunate, and
+the pallor of his face showed how many Jubilee articles he had written
+during the past two months. Pettigrew offered each of us a Splendidad
+(his wife's new brand), which we dropped into the fireplace. Then he
+filled my little Remus with Arcadia, and sinking weariedly into a chair,
+said:
+
+"My dear Jimmy, the curse of journalism is not that editors won't accept
+our articles, but that they want too many from us."
+
+This seemed such monstrous nonsense to Jimmy that he turned his back on
+Pettigrew, and Gilray broke in with a diatribe against critics.
+
+"Critics," said Pettigrew, "are to be pitied rather than reviled."
+
+Then Gilray and Jimmy had a common foe. Whether it was Pettigrew's
+appearance among us or the fireworks outside that made us unusually
+talkative that night I cannot say, but we became quite brilliant, and
+when Jimmy began to give us his dream about killing an editor, Gilray
+said that he had a dream about criticising critics; and Pettigrew, not
+to be outdone, said that he had a dream of what would become of him if
+he had to write any more Jubilee articles. Then it was that Marriot
+suggested a competition. "Let each of the grumblers," he said, "describe
+his dream, and the man whose dream seems the most exhilarating will
+get from the judges a Jubilee pound-tin of the Arcadia." The grumblers
+agreed, but each wanted the others to dream first. At last Jimmy began
+as follows:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+JIMMY'S DREAM.
+
+
+I see before me (said Jimmy, savagely) a court, where I, James
+Moggridge, am arraigned on a charge of assaulting the editor of
+the _St. John's Gazette_ so as to cause death. Little interest is
+manifested in the case. On being arrested I had pleaded guilty, and up
+to to-day it had been anticipated that the matter would be settled out
+of court. No apology, however, being forthcoming, the law has to take
+its course. The defence is that the assault was fair comment on a
+matter of public interest, and was warranted in substance and in fact.
+On making his appearance in the dock the prisoner is received with
+slight cheering.
+
+Mr. John Jones is the first witness called for the prosecution. He says:
+I am assistant editor of the _St. John's Gazette_. It is an evening
+newspaper of pronounced Radical views. I never saw the prisoner until
+to-day, but I have frequently communicated with him. It was part of my
+work to send him back his articles. This often kept me late.
+
+In cross-examination the witness denies that he has ever sent the
+prisoner other people's articles by mistake. Pressed, he says, he may
+have done so once. The defendant generally inclosed letters with his
+articles, in which he called attention to their special features.
+Sometimes these letters were of a threatening nature, but there was
+nothing unusual in that.
+
+Cross-examined: The letters were not what he would call alarming. He had
+not thought of taking any special precautions himself. Of course, in his
+position, he had to take his chance. So far as he could remember, it was
+not for his own sake that the prisoner wanted his articles published,
+but in the interests of the public. He, the prisoner, was vexed, he
+said, to see the paper full of such inferior matter. Witness had
+frequently seen letters to the editor from other disinterested
+contributors couched in similar language. If he was not mistaken, he
+saw a number of these gentlemen in court. (Applause from the persons
+referred to.)
+
+Mr. Snodgrass says: I am a poet. I do not compose during the day. The
+strain would be too great. Every evening I go out into the streets and
+buy the latest editions of the evening journals. If there is anything
+in them worthy commemoration in verse, I compose. There is generally
+something. I cannot say to which paper I send most of my poems, as
+I send to all. One of the weaknesses of the _St. John's Gazette_ is
+its poetry. It is not worthy of the name. It is doggerel. I have sought
+to improve it, but the editor rejected my contributions. I continued to
+send them, hoping that they would educate his taste. One night I had
+sent him a very long poem which did not appear in the paper next day. I
+was very indignant, and went straight to the office. That was on Jubilee
+Day. I was told that the editor had left word that he had just gone into
+the country for two days. (Hisses.) I forced my way up the stairs,
+however, and when I reached the top I did not know which way to go.
+There were a number of doors with "No admittance" printed on them.
+(More hissing.) I heard voices in altercation in a room near me. I
+thought that was likely to be the editor's. I opened the door and went
+in. The prisoner was in the room. He had the editor on the floor and was
+jumping on him. I said, "Is that the editor?" He said, "Yes." I said,
+"Have you killed him?" He said, "Yes," again. I said, "Oh!" and went
+away. That is all I remember of the affair.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Cross-examined: It did not occur to me to interfere. I thought very
+little of the affair at the time. I think I mentioned it to my wife in
+the evening; but I will not swear to that. I am not the Herr Bablerr who
+compelled his daughter to marry a man she did not love, so that I might
+write an ode in celebration of the nuptials. I have no daughter. I am a
+poet.
+
+The foreman printer deposed to having had his attention called to the
+murder of the editor about three o'clock. He was very busy at the time.
+About an hour afterward he saw the body and put a placard over it. He
+spoke of the matter to the assistant editor, who suggested that they had
+better call in the police. That was done.
+
+A clerk in the counting-house says: I distinctly remember the afternoon
+of the murder. I can recall it without difficulty, as it was on the
+following evening that I went to the theatre--a rare occurrence with me.
+I was running up the stairs when I met a man coming down. I recognized
+the prisoner as that man. He said, "I have killed your editor." I
+replied, "Then you ought to be ashamed of yourself." We had no further
+conversation.
+
+J. O'Leary is next called. He says: I am an Irishman by birth. I had
+to fly my country when an iniquitous Coercion Act was put in force.
+At present I am a journalist, and I write Fenian letters for the _St.
+Johns Gazette_. I remember the afternoon of the murder. It was the
+sub-editor who told me of it. He asked me if I would write a "par" on
+the subject for the fourth edition. I did so; but as I was in a hurry
+to catch a train it was only a few lines. We did him fuller justice
+next day.
+
+Cross-examined: Witness denies that he felt any elation on hearing that
+a new topic had been supplied for writing on. He was sorry rather.
+
+A policeman gives evidence that about half-past four on Jubilee Day he
+saw a small crowd gather round the entrance to the offices of the _St.
+John's Gazette_. He thought it his duty to inquire into the matter.
+He went inside and asked an office-boy what was up. The boy said he
+thought the editor had been murdered, but advised him to inquire
+upstairs. He did so, and the boy's assertion was confirmed. He came down
+again and told the crowd that it was the editor who had been killed. The
+crowd then dispersed.
+
+A detective from Scotland Yard explains the method of the prisoner's
+capture. Moggridge wrote to the superintendent saying that he would be
+passing Scotland Yard on the following Wednesday on business. Three
+detectives, including witness, were told off to arrest him, and they
+succeeded in doing so. (Loud and prolonged applause.)
+
+The judge interposes here. He fails, he says, to see that this evidence
+is relevant. So far as he can see, the question is not whether a murder
+has been committed, but whether, under the circumstances, it is a
+criminal offence. The prisoner should never have been tried here at all.
+It was a case for the petty sessions. If the counsel cannot give some
+weighty reason for proceeding with further evidence, he will now put it
+to the jury.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+After a few remarks from the counsel for the prosecution and the
+counsel for the defence, who calls attention to the prisoner's high and
+unblemished character, the judge sums up. It is for the jury, he says,
+to decide whether the prisoner has committed a criminal offence. That
+was the point; and in deciding it the jury should bear in mind the
+desirability of suppressing merely vexatious cases. People should not
+go to law over trifles. Still, the jury must remember that, without
+exception, all human life was sacred. After some further remarks from
+the judge, the jury (who deliberate for rather more than three-quarters
+of an hour) return a verdict of guilty. The prisoner is sentenced to a
+fine of five florins, or three days' imprisonment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+GILRAY'S DREAM.
+
+
+Conceive me (said Gilray, with glowing face) invited to write a
+criticism of the Critics' Dramatic Society for the _Standard_.
+I select the _Standard_, because that paper has treated me most
+cruelly. However, I loathe them all. My dream is the following
+criticism:
+
+What is the Critics' Dramatic Society? We found out on Wednesday
+afternoon, and, as we went to Drury Lane in the interests of the public,
+it is only fair that the public should know too. Besides, in that case
+we can all bear it together. Be it known, then, that this Dramatic
+Society is composed of "critics" who gave "The School for Scandal" at
+a matinÈe on Wednesday just to show how the piece should be played.
+Mr. Augustus Harris had "kindly put the theatre at their disposal,"
+for which he will have to answer when he joins Sheridan in the Elysian
+Fields. As the performance was by far the worst ever perpetrated, it
+would be a shame to deprive the twentieth century of the programme. Some
+of the players, as will be seen, are too well known to escape obloquy.
+The others may yet be able to sink into oblivion.
+
+
+  Sir Peter Teazle                  MR. JOHN RUSKIN.
+  Joseph Surface                   MR. W. E. HENLEY.
+  Charles Surface              MR. HARRY LABOUCHERE.
+  Crabtree                            MR. W. ARCHER.
+  Sir Benjamin Backbite           MR. CLEMENT SCOTT.
+  Moses                           MR. WALTER SICHEL.
+  Old Rowley                      MR. JOSEPH KNIGHT.
+  Sir Oliver                      MR. W.H. POLLOCK.
+  Trip                               MR. G. A. SALA.
+  Snake                              MR. MOY THOMAS.
+  Sir Harry Bumper (with song)     MR. GEORGE MOORE.
+  Servants, Guests, etc.     MESSRS. SAVILLE CLARKE,
+         JOSEPH HATTON, PERCY FITZGERALD, etc.
+
+                     Assisted by
+
+  Lady Teazle                    MISS ROSIE LE DENE.
+  Mrs. Candour                 MISS JENNY MONTALBAN.
+  Lady Sneerwell               MISS ROSALIND LABELLE
+                      (The Hon. Mrs. Major TURNLEY).
+  Maria                                  MISS JONES.
+
+
+It was a sin of omission on the part of the Critics' Dramatic Society
+not to state that the piece played was "a new and original comedy"
+in many acts. Had they had the courage to do this, and to change the
+title, no one would even have known. On the other hand, it was a sin
+of commission to allow that Professor Henry Morley was responsible
+for the stage management; Mr. Morley being a man of letters whom some
+worthy people respect. But perhaps sins of omission and commission
+counterbalance. The audience was put in a bad humor before the
+performance began, owing to the curtain's rising fifteen minutes late.
+However, once the curtain did rise, it was an unconscionable time in
+falling. What is known as the "business" of the first act, including the
+caterwauling of Sir Benjamin Backbite and Crabtree in their revolutions
+round Joseph, was gone through with a deliberation that was cruelty
+to the audience, and just when the act seemed over at last these
+indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet. A sigh ran round the
+theatre at this--a sigh as full of suffering as when a minister, having
+finished his thirdly and lastly, starts off again, with, "I cannot allow
+this opportunity to pass." Possibly the Critics' Dramatic Society are
+congratulating themselves on the undeniable fact that the sighs and
+hisses grew beautifully less as the performance proceeded. But that was
+because the audience diminished too. One man cannot be expected to sigh
+like twenty; though, indeed, some of the audience of Wednesday sighed
+like at least half a dozen.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+If it be true that all men--even critics--have their redeeming points
+and failings, then was there no Charles and no Joseph Surface at this
+unique matinÈe. For the ungainly gentleman who essayed the part of
+Charles made, or rather meant to make, him spotless; and Mr. Henley's
+Joseph was twin-brother to Mr. Irving's Mephistopheles. Perhaps the idea
+of Mr. Labouchere and his friend, Mr. Henley, was that they would make
+one young man between them. They found it hard work. Mr. Labouchere
+has yet to learn that buffoonery is not exactly wit, and that Charles
+Surfaces who dig their uncle Olivers in the ribs, and then turn to the
+audience for applause, are among the things that the nineteenth century
+can do without. According to the programme, Mr. George Moore--the Sir
+Harry Bumper--was to sing the song, "Here's to the Maiden of Bashful
+Fifteen." Mr. Moore did not sing it, but Mr. Labouchere did. The
+explanation of this, we understand, was not that Sir Harry's heart
+failed him at the eleventh hour, but that Mr. Labouchere threatened to
+fling up his part unless the song was given to him. However, Mr. Moore
+heard Mr. Labouchere singing the song, and that was revenge enough for
+any man. To Mr. Henley the part of Joseph evidently presented no serious
+difficulties. In his opinion, Joseph is a whining hypocrite who rolls
+his eyes when he wishes to look natural. Obviously he is a slavish
+admirer of Mr. Irving. If Joseph had taken his snuff as this one does,
+Lady Sneerwell would have sent him to the kitchen. If he had made love
+to Lady Teazle as this one does, she would have suspected him of weak
+intellect. Sheridan's Joseph was a man of culture: Mr. Henley's is a
+buffoon. It is not, perhaps, so much this gentleman's fault as his
+misfortune that his acting is without either art or craft; but then he
+was not compelled to play Joseph Surface. Indeed, we may go further, and
+say that if he is a man with friends he must have been dissuaded from
+it. The Sir Peter Teazle of Mr. Ruskin reminded us of other Sir Peter
+Teazles--probably because Sir Peter is played nowadays with his
+courtliness omitted.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. William Archer was the Crabtree, or rather Mr. Archer and the
+prompter between them. Until we caught sight of the prompter we had
+credited Mr. Archer with being a ventriloquist given to casting his
+voice to the wings. Mr. Clement Scott--their Benjamin Backbite--was a
+ventriloquist too, but not in such a large way as Mr. Archer. His voice,
+so far as we could make out from an occasional rumble, was in his boots,
+where his courage kept it company. There was no more ambitious actor
+in the cast than Mr. Pollock. Mr. Pollock was Sir Oliver, and he gave
+a highly original reading of that old gentleman. What Mr. Pollock's
+private opinion of the character of Sir Oliver may be we cannot say; it
+would be worth an interviewer's while to find out. But if he thinks Sir
+Oliver was a windmill, we can inform him at once that he is mistaken. Of
+Mr. Sichel's Moses all that occurs to us to say is that when he let his
+left arm hang down and raised the other aloft, he looked very like a
+tea-pot. Mr. Joseph Knight was Old Rowley. In that character all we saw
+of him was his back; and we are bound to admit that it was unexceptional.
+Sheridan calls one of his servants Snake, and the other Trip. Mr. Moy
+Thomas tried to look as like a snake as he could, and with some success.
+The Trip of Mr. Sala, however, was a little heavy, and when he came
+between the audience and the other actors there was a temporary eclipse.
+As for the minor parts, the gentlemen who personated them gave a capital
+rendering of supers suffering from stage-fever. Wednesday is memorable
+in the history of the stage, but we would forget it if we could.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXIX.
+
+PETTIGREW'S DREAM.
+
+
+My dream (said Pettigrew) contrasts sadly with those of my young
+friends. They dream of revenge, but my dream is tragic. I see my editor
+writing my obituary notice. This is how it reads:
+
+Mr. Pettigrew, M.A., whose sad death is recorded in another column, was
+in his forty-second year (not his forty-fourth, as stated in the evening
+papers), and had done a good deal of Jubilee work before he accepted the
+commission that led to his death. It is an open secret that he wrote
+seventy of the Jubilee sketches which have appeared in this paper. The
+pamphlet now selling in the streets for a penny, entitled "Jubilees of
+the Past," was his. He wrote the introductory chapter to "Fifty Years of
+Progress," and his "Jubilee Statesmen" is now in a second edition. The
+idea of a collection of Jubilee odes was not his, but the publisher's.
+At the same time, his friends and relatives attach no blame to them. Mr.
+Pettigrew shivered when the order was given to him, but he accepted it,
+and the general impression among those who knew him was that a man who
+had survived "Jubilee Statesmen" could do anything. As it turns out, we
+had overestimated Mr. Pettigrew's powers of endurance.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As "The Jubilee Odes" will doubtless yet be collected by another hand,
+little need be said here of the work. Mr. Pettigrew was to make his
+collection as complete as the limited space at his disposal (two
+volumes) would allow; the only original writing in the book being a
+sketch of the various schemes suggested for the celebration of the
+Jubilee. It was this sketch that killed him. On the morning of the 27th,
+when he intended beginning it, he rose at an unusually early hour,
+and was seen from the windows of the house pacing the garden in an
+apparently agitated state of mind. He ate no breakfast. One of his
+daughters states that she noticed a wild look in his eyes during the
+morning meal; but, as she did not remark on it at the time, much stress
+need not be laid on this. The others say that he was unusually quiet and
+silent. All, however, noticed one thing. Generally, when he had literary
+work to do, he was anxious to begin upon his labors, and spent little
+time at the breakfast-table. On this occasion he sat on. Even after the
+breakfast things were removed he seemed reluctant to adjourn to the
+study. His wife asked him several times if he meant to begin "The
+Jubilee Odes" that day, and he always replied in the affirmative. But
+he talked nervously of other things; and, to her surprise--though she
+thought comparatively little of it at the time--drew her on to a
+discussion on summer bonnets. As a rule, this was a subject which he
+shunned. At last he rose, and, going slowly to the window, looked out
+for a quarter of an hour. His wife asked him again about "The Jubilee
+Odes," and he replied that he meant to begin directly. Then he went
+round the morning-room, looking at the pictures on the walls as if for
+the first time. After that he leaned for a little while against the
+mantelpiece, and then, as if an idea had struck him, began to wind up
+the clock. He went through the house winding up the clocks, though this
+duty was usually left to a servant; and when that was over he came back
+to the breakfast-room and talked about Waterbury watches. His wife had
+to go to the kitchen, and he followed her. On their way back they passed
+the nursery, and he said he thought he would go in and talk to the
+nurse. This was very unlike him. At last his wife said that it would
+soon be luncheon-time, and then he went to the study. Some ten minutes
+afterward he wandered into the dining-room, where she was arranging some
+flowers. He seemed taken aback at seeing her, but said, after a moment's
+thought, that the study door was locked and he could not find the key.
+This astonished her, as she had dusted the room herself that morning.
+She went to see, and found the study door standing open. When she
+returned to the dining-room he had disappeared. They searched for him
+everywhere, and eventually discovered him in the drawing-room, turning
+over a photograph album. He then went back to the study. His wife
+accompanied him, and, as was her custom, filled his pipe for him. He
+smoked a mixture to which he was passionately attached. He lighted his
+pipe several times, but it always went out. His wife put a new nib into
+his pen, placed some writing material on the table, and then retired,
+shutting the door behind her.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+About half an hour afterward Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to
+the study on a trifling errand. As he did not return she followed him.
+She found him sitting on his father's knee, where she did not remember
+ever having seen him before. Mr. Pettigrew was holding his watch to
+the boy's ears. The study table was littered with several hundreds of
+Jubilee odes. Other odes had slipped to the floor. Mrs. Pettigrew asked
+how he was getting on, and her unhappy husband replied that he was just
+going to begin. His hands were trembling, and he had given up trying to
+smoke. He sought to detain her by talking about the boy's curls; but she
+went away, taking the child with her. As she closed the door he groaned
+heavily, and she reopened it to ask if he felt unwell. He answered in
+the negative, and she left him. The last person to see Mr. Pettigrew
+alive was Eliza Day, the housemaid. She took a letter to him between
+twelve and one o'clock. Usually he disliked being disturbed at his
+writing; but this time, in answer to her knock, he cried eagerly, "Come
+in!" When she entered he insisted on her taking a chair, and asked her
+how all her people were, and if there was anything he could do for them.
+Several times she rose to leave, but he would not allow her to do so.
+Eliza mentioned this in the kitchen when she returned to it. Her master
+was naturally a reserved man who seldom spoke to his servants, which
+rendered his behavior on this occasion the more remarkable.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As announced in the evening papers yesterday, the servant sent to
+the study at half-past one to see why Mr. Pettigrew was not coming to
+lunch, found him lifeless on the floor. The knife clutched in his hand
+showed that he had done the fatal deed himself; and Dr. Southwick,
+of Hyde Park, who was on the spot within ten minutes of the painful
+discovery, is of opinion that life had been extinct for about half an
+hour. The body was lying among Jubilee odes. On the table were a dozen
+or more sheets of "copy," which, though only spoiled pages, showed that
+the deceased had not succumbed without a struggle. On one he had begun,
+"Fifty years have come and gone since a fair English maiden ascended the
+throne of England." Another stopped short at, "To every loyal Englishman
+the Jubil----" A third sheet commenced with, "Though there have been a
+number of royal Jubilees in the history of the world, probably none has
+awakened the same interest as----" and a fourth began, "1887 will be
+known to all future ages as the year of Jub----" One sheet bore the
+sentence, "Heaven help me!" and it is believed that these were the last
+words the deceased ever penned.
+
+Mr. Pettigrew was a most estimable man in private life, and will be
+greatly missed in the circles to which he had endeared himself. He
+leaves a widow and a small family. It may be worth adding that when
+discovered dead, there was a smile upon his face, as if he had at last
+found peace. He must have suffered great agony that forenoon, and his
+death is best looked upon as a happy release.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Marriot, Scrymgeour and I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew,
+because he alone of the competitors seemed to believe that his dream
+might be realized.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXX.
+
+THE MURDER IN THE INN.
+
+
+Sometimes I think it is all a dream, and that I did not really murder
+the waits. Perhaps they are living still. Yet the scene is very vivid
+before me, though the affair took place--if it ever did take place--so
+long ago that I cannot be expected to remember the details. The time
+when I must give up smoking was drawing near, so that I may have been
+unusually irritable, and determined, whatever the cost, to smoke my last
+pound-tin of the Arcadia in peace. I think my brier was in my mouth when
+I did it, but after the lapse of months I cannot say whether there were
+three of them or only two. So far as I can remember, I took the man with
+the beard first.
+
+The incident would have made more impression on me had there been any
+talk about it. So far as I could discover, it never got into the papers.
+The porters did not seem to think it any affair of theirs, though one of
+them must have guessed why I invited the waits upstairs. He saw me open
+the door to them; he was aware that this was their third visit in a
+week; and only the night before he had heard me shout a warning to them
+from my inn window. But of course the porters must allow themselves a
+certain discretion in the performance of their duties. Then there was
+the pleasant gentleman of the next door but two, who ran against me
+just as I was toppling the second body over the railing. We were not
+acquainted, but I knew him as the man who had flung a water-jug at the
+waits the night before. He stopped short when he saw the body (it had
+rolled out of the sofa-rug), and looked at me suspiciously. "He is one
+of the waits," I said. "I beg your pardon," he replied, "I did not
+understand." When he had passed a few yards he turned round. "Better
+cover him up," he said; "our people will talk." Then he strolled away,
+an air from "The Grand Duchess" lightly trolling from his lips. We
+still meet occasionally, and nod if no one is looking.
+
+I am going too fast, however. What I meant to say was that the murder
+was premeditated. In the case of a reprehensible murder I know this
+would be considered an aggravation of the offence. Of course, it is
+an open question whether all the murders are not reprehensible; but
+let that pass. To my own mind I should have been indeed deserving of
+punishment had I rushed out and slain the waits in a moment of fury. If
+one were to give way to his passion every time he is interrupted in his
+work or his sleep by bawlers our thoroughfares would soon be choked with
+the dead. No one values human life or understands its sacredness more
+than I do. I merely say that there may be times when a man, having stood
+a great deal and thought it over calmly, is justified in taking the law
+into his own hands--always supposing he can do it decently, quietly, and
+without scandal. The epidemic of waits broke out early in December, and
+every other night or so these torments came in the still hours and burst
+into song beneath my windows. They made me nervous. I was more wretched
+on the nights they did not come than on the nights they came; for I had
+begun to listen for them, and was never sure they had gone into another
+locality before four o'clock in the morning. As for their songs, they
+were more like music-hall ditties than Christmas carols. So one
+morning--it was, I think, the 23d of December--I warned them fairly,
+fully, and with particulars, of what would happen if they disturbed me
+again. Having given them this warning, can it be said that I was to
+blame--at least, to any considerable extent?
+
+Christmas eve had worn into Christmas morning before the waits arrived
+on that fateful occasion. I opened the window--if my memory does not
+deceive me--at once, and looked down at them. I could not swear to their
+being the persons whom I had warned the night before. Perhaps I should
+have made sure of this. But in any case these were practised waits.
+Their whine rushed in at my open window with a vigor that proved them no
+tyros. Besides, the night was a cold one, and I could not linger at an
+open casement. I nodded pleasantly to the waits and pointed to my door.
+Then I ran downstairs and let them in. They came up to my chambers with
+me. As I have said, the lapse of time prevents my remembering how many
+of them there were; three, I fancy. At all events, I took them into my
+bedroom and strangled them one by one. They went off quite peaceably;
+the only difficulty was in the disposal of the bodies. I thought of
+laying them on the curb-stone in different passages; but I was afraid
+the police might not see that they were waits, in which case I might be
+put to inconvenience. So I took a spade and dug two (or three) large
+holes in the quadrangle of the inn. Then I carried the bodies to the
+place in my rug, one at a time, shoved them in, and covered them up.
+A close observer might have noticed in that part of the quadrangle, for
+some time after, a small mound, such as might be made by an elbow under
+the bed-clothes. Nobody, however, seems to have descried it, and yet
+I see it often even now in my dreams.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI.
+
+THE PERILS OF NOT SMOKING.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When the Arcadians heard that I had signed an agreement to give up
+smoking they were first incredulous, then sarcastic, then angry. Instead
+of coming, as usual, to my room, they went one night in a body to
+Pettigrew's, and there, as I afterward discovered, a scheme for "saving
+me" was drawn up. So little did they understand the firmness of my
+character, that they thought I had weakly yielded to the threats of
+the lady referred to in my first chapter, when, of course, I had only
+yielded to her arguments, and they agreed to make an appeal on my behalf
+to her. Pettigrew, as a married man himself, was appointed intercessor,
+and I understand that the others not only accompanied him to her door,
+but waited in an alley until he came out. I never knew whether the
+reasoning brought to bear on the lady was of Pettigrew's devising, or
+suggested by Jimmy and the others, but it was certainly unselfish of
+Pettigrew to lie so freely on my account. At the time, however, the
+plot enraged me, for the lady conceived the absurd idea that I had sent
+Pettigrew to her. Undoubtedly it was a bold stroke. Pettigrew's scheme
+was to play upon his hostess's attachment for me by hinting to her that
+if I gave up smoking I would probably die. Finding her attentive rather
+than talkative, he soon dared to assure her that he himself loathed
+tobacco and only took it for his health.
+
+"By the doctor's orders, mark you," he said, impressively; "Dr.
+Southwick, of Hyde Park."
+
+She expressed polite surprise at this, and then Pettigrew, believing he
+had made an impression, told his story as concocted.
+
+"My own case," he said, "is one much in point. I suffered lately from
+sore throat, accompanied by depression of spirits and loss of appetite.
+The ailment was so unusual with me that I thought it prudent to put
+myself in Dr. Southwick's hands. As far as possible I shall give you his
+exact words:
+
+"'When did you give up smoking?' he asked, abruptly, after examining my
+throat.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"'Three months ago,' I replied, taken by surprise; 'but how did you know
+I had given it up?'
+
+"'Never mind how I know,' he said, severely; 'I told you that, however
+much you might desire to do so, you were not to take to not smoking.
+This is how you carry out my directions.'
+
+"'Well,' I answered sulkily, 'I have been feeling so healthy for the
+last two years that I thought I could indulge myself a little. You are
+aware how I abominate tobacco.'
+
+"'Quite so,' he said, 'and now you see the result of this miserable
+self-indulgence. Two years ago I prescribed tobacco for you, to be taken
+three times a day, and you yourself admit that it made a new man of you.
+Instead of feeling thankful you complain of the brief unpleasantness
+that accompanies its consumption, and now, in the teeth of my
+instructions, you give it up. I must say the ways of patients are a
+constant marvel to me.'
+
+"'But how,' I asked, 'do you know that my reverting to the pleasant
+habit of not smoking is the cause of my present ailment?'
+
+"'Oh!' he said, 'you are not sure of that yourself, are you?'
+
+"'I thought,' I replied, 'there might be a doubt about it; though of
+course I have forgotten what you told me two years ago.'
+
+"'It matters very little,' he said, 'whether you remember what I tell
+you if you do not follow my orders. But as for knowing that indulgence
+in not smoking is what has brought you to this state, how long is it
+since you noticed these symptoms?'
+
+"'I can hardly say,' I answered. 'Still, I should be able to think back.
+I had my first sore throat this year the night I saw Mr. Irving at the
+Lyceum, and that was on my wife's birthday, the 3d of October. How long
+ago is that?'
+
+"'Why, that is more than three months ago. Are you sure of the date?'"
+
+"'Quite certain,' I told him; 'so, you see, I had my first sore throat
+before I risked not smoking again.'"
+
+"'I don't understand this,' he said. 'Do you mean to say that in the
+beginning of May you were taking my prescription daily? You were not
+missing a day now and then--forgetting to order a new stock of cigars
+when the others were done, or flinging them away before they were half
+smoked? Patients do such things.'
+
+"'No, I assure you I compelled myself to smoke. At least----'
+
+"'At least what? Come, now, if I am to be of any service to you, there
+must be no reserve.'
+
+"'Well, now that I think of it, I was only smoking one cigar a day at
+that time.'
+
+"'Ah! we have it now,' he cried. 'One cigar a day, when I ordered you
+three? I might have guessed as much. When I tell non-smokers that they
+must smoke or I will not be answerable for the consequences, they
+entreat me to let them break themselves of the habit of not smoking
+gradually. One cigarette a day to begin with, they beg of me, promising
+to increase the dose by degrees. Why, man, one cigarette a day is
+poison; it is worse than not smoking.'
+
+"'But that is not what I did.'
+
+"'The idea is the same,' he said. 'Like the others, you make all this
+moan about giving up completely a habit you should never have acquired.
+For my own part, I cannot even understand where the subtle delights of
+not smoking come in. Compared with health, they are surely immaterial.'
+
+"'Of course, I admit that.'
+
+"'Then, if you admit it, why pamper yourself?'
+
+"'I suppose because one is weak in matters of habit. You have many cases
+like mine?'
+
+"'I have such cases every week,' he told me; 'indeed, it was having so
+many cases of the kind that made me a specialist in the subject. When
+I began practice I had not the least notion how common the non-tobacco
+throat, as I call it, is.'
+
+"'But the disease has been known, has it not, for a long time?'
+
+"'Yes,' he said;' but the cause has only been discovered recently.
+I could explain the malady to you scientifically, as many medical men
+would prefer to do, but you are better to have it in plain English.'
+
+"'Certainly; but I should like to know whether the symptoms in other
+cases have been in every way similar to mine.'
+
+"'They have doubtless differed in degree, but not otherwise,' he
+answered. 'For instance, you say your sore throat is accompanied by
+depression of spirits.'
+
+"'Yes; indeed, the depression sometimes precedes the sore throat.'
+
+"'Exactly. I presume, too, that you feel most depressed in the
+evening--say, immediately after dinner?'
+
+"'That is certainly the time I experience the depression most.'
+
+"'The result,' he said, 'if I may venture on somewhat delicate matters,
+is that your depression of spirits infects your wife and family, even
+your servants?'
+
+"'That is quite true,' I answered. 'Our home has by no means been so
+happy as formerly. When a man is out of spirits, I suppose, he tends to
+be brusque and undemonstrative to his wife, and to be easily irritated
+by his children. Certainly that has been the case with me of late.'
+
+"'Yes,' he exclaimed, 'and all because you have not carried out my
+directions. Men ought to see that they have no right to indulge in not
+smoking, if only for the sake of their wives and families. A bachelor
+has more excuse, perhaps; but think of the example you set your children
+in not making an effort to shake this self-indulgence off. In short,
+smoke for the sake of your wife and family, if you won't smoke for the
+sake of your health.'"
+
+I think this is pretty nearly the whole of Pettigrew's story, but I may
+add that he left the house in depression of spirits, and then infected
+Jimmy and the others with the same ailment, so that they should all have
+hurried in a cab to the house of Dr. Southwick.
+
+"Honestly," Pettigrew said, "I don't think she believed a word I told
+her."
+
+"If she had only been a man," Marriot sighed, "we could have got round
+her."
+
+"How?" asked Pettigrew.
+
+"Why, of course," said Marriot, "we could have sent her a tin of the
+Arcadia."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII.
+
+MY LAST PIPE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The night of my last smoke drew near without any demonstration on my
+part or on that of my friends. I noticed that none of them was now
+comfortable if left alone with me, and I knew, I cannot tell how, that
+though they had too much delicacy to refer in my presence to my coming
+happiness, they often talked of it among themselves. They smoked hard
+and looked covertly at me, and had an idea that they were helping me.
+They also addressed me in a low voice, and took their seats noiselessly,
+as if some one were ill in the next room.
+
+"We have a notion," Scrymgeour said, with an effort, on my second night,
+"that you would rather we did not feast you to-morrow evening?"
+
+"Oh, I want nothing of that kind," I said.
+
+"So I fancied," Jimmy broke in. "Those things are rather a mockery, but
+of course if you thought it would help you in any way----"
+
+"Or if there is anything else we could do for you," interposed Gilray,
+"you have only to mention it."
+
+Though they irritated rather than soothed me, I was touched by their
+kindly intentions, for at one time I feared my friends would be
+sarcastic. The next night was my last, and I found that they had been
+looking forward to it with genuine pain. As will have been seen, their
+custom was to wander into my room one by one, but this time they came
+together. They had met in the boudoir, and came up the stair so quietly
+that I did not hear them. They all looked very subdued, and Marriot took
+the cane chair so softly that it did not creak. I noticed that after
+a furtive glance at me each of them looked at the centre-table, on
+which lay my brier, Romulus and Remus, three other pipes that all had
+their merits, though they never touched my heart until now, my clay
+tobacco-jar, and my old pouch. I had said good-by to these before my
+friends came in, and I could now speak with a comparatively firm voice.
+Marriot and Gilray and Scrymgeour signed to Jimmy, as if some plan of
+action had been arranged, and Jimmy said huskily, sitting upon the
+hearth-rug:
+
+"Pettigrew isn't coming. He was afraid he would break down."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Then we began to smoke. It was as yet too early in the night for my last
+pipe, but soon I regretted that I had not arranged to spend this night
+alone. Jimmy was the only one of the Arcadians who had been at school
+with me, and he was full of reminiscences which he addressed to the
+others just as if I were not present.
+
+"He was the life of the old school," Jimmy said, referring to me, "and
+when I shut my eyes I can hear his merry laugh as if we were both in
+knickerbockers still."
+
+"What sort of character did he have among the fellows?" Gilray
+whispered.
+
+"The very best. He was the soul of honor, and we all anticipated a great
+future for him. Even the masters loved him; indeed, I question if he had
+an enemy."
+
+"I remember my first meeting with him at the university," said Marriot,
+"and that I took to him at once. He was speaking at the debating society
+that night, and his enthusiasm quite carried me away."
+
+"And how we shall miss him here," said Scrymgeour, "and in my
+house-boat! I think I had better sell the house-boat. Do you remember
+his favorite seat at the door of the saloon?"
+
+"Do you know," said Marriot, looking a little scared, "I thought I would
+be the first of our lot to go. Often I have kept him up late in this
+very room talking of my own troubles, and little guessing why he
+sometimes treated them a little testily."
+
+So they talked, meaning very well, and by and by it struck one o'clock.
+A cold shiver passed through me, and Marriot jumped from his chair.
+It had been agreed that I should begin my last pipe at one precisely.
+Whatever my feelings were up to this point I had kept them out of my
+face, but I suppose a change came over me now. I tried to lift my brier
+from the table, but my hand shook and the pipe tapped, tapped on the
+deal like an auctioneer's hammer.
+
+"Let me fill it," Jimmy said, and he took my old brier from me. He
+scraped it energetically so that it might hold as much as possible,
+and then he filled it. Not one of them, I am glad to remember, proposed
+a cigar for my last smoke, or thought it possible that I would say
+farewell to tobacco through the medium of any other pipe than my brier.
+I liked my brier best. I have said this already, but I must say it
+again. Jimmy handed the brier to Gilray, who did not surrender it until
+it reached my mouth. Then Scrymgeour made a spill, and Marriot lighted
+it. In another moment I was smoking my last pipe. The others glanced at
+one another, hesitated, and put their pipes into their pockets.
+
+There was little talking, for they all gazed at me as if something
+astounding might happen at any moment. The clock had stopped, but the
+ventilator was clicking. Although Jimmy and the others saw only me, I
+tried not to see only them. I conjured up the face of a lady, and she
+smiled encouragingly, and then I felt safer. But at times her face was
+lost in smoke, or suddenly it was Marriot's face, eager, doleful, wistful.
+
+At first I puffed vigorously and wastefully, then I became scientific
+and sent out rings of smoke so strong and numerous that half a dozen
+of them were in the air at a time. In past days I had often followed
+a ring over the table, across chairs, and nearly out at the window, but
+that was when I blew one by accident and was loath to let it go. Now
+I distributed them among my friends, who let them slip away into the
+looking-glass. I think I had almost forgotten what I was doing and where
+I was when an awful thing happened. My pipe went out!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"There are remnants in it yet," Jimmy cried, with forced cheerfulness,
+while Gilray blew the ashes off my sleeve, Marriot slipped a cushion
+behind my back, and Scrymgeour made another spill. Again I smoked, but
+no longer recklessly.
+
+It is revealing no secret to say that a drowning man sees his whole past
+unfurl before him like a panorama. So little, however, was I, now on the
+eve of a great happiness, like a drowning man, that nothing whatever
+passed before me. I lost sight even of my friends, and though Jimmy
+was on his knees at my feet, his hand clasping mine, he disappeared as
+if his open mouth had swallowed the rest of his face. I had only one
+thought--that I was smoking my last pipe. Unconsciously I crossed my
+legs, and one of my slippers fell off; Jimmy, I think, slipped it on
+to my foot. Marriot stood over me, gazing into the bowl of my pipe, but
+I did not see him.
+
+Now I was puffing tremendously, but no smoke came. The room returned to
+me, I saw Jimmy clearly, I felt Marriot overhead, and I heard them all
+whispering. Still I puffed; I knew that my pipe was empty, but still I
+puffed. Gilray's fingers tried to draw my brier from my mouth, but I bit
+into it with my teeth, and still I puffed.
+
+When I came to I was alone. I had a dim consciousness of having been
+shaken by several hands, of a voice that I think was Scrymgeour's saying
+that he would often write to me--though my new home was to be within the
+four-mile radius--and of another voice that I think was Jimmy's, telling
+Marriot not to let me see him breaking down. But though I had ceased to
+puff, my brier was still in my mouth; and, indeed, I found it there
+when William John shook me into life next morning.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+My parting with William John was almost sadder than the scene of the
+previous night. I rang for him when I had tied up all my treasures in
+brown paper, and I told him to give the tobacco-jar to Jimmy, Romulus to
+Marriot, Remus to Gilray, and the pouch to Scrymgeour. William John bore
+up till I came to the pouch, when he fairly blubbered. I had to hurry
+into my bedroom, but I mean to do something yet for William John. Not
+even Scrymgeour knew so well as he what my pouch had been to me, and
+till I die I shall always regret that I did not give it to William John.
+I kept my brier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII.
+
+WHEN MY WIFE IS ASLEEP AND ALL THE HOUSE IS STILL.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Perhaps the heading of this paper will deceive some readers into
+thinking that I smoke nowadays in camera. It is, I know, a common jest
+among smokers that such a promise as mine is seldom kept, and I allow
+that the Arcadians tempt me still. But never shall it be said of me with
+truth that I have broken my word. I smoke no more, and, indeed, though
+the scenes of my bachelorhood frequently rise before me in dreams,
+painted as Scrymgeour could not paint them, I am glad, when I wake up,
+that they are only dreams. Those selfish days are done, and I see that
+though they were happy days, the happiness was a mistake. As for the
+struggle that is supposed to take place between a man and tobacco, after
+he sees smoking in its true colors, I never experienced it. I have not
+even any craving for the Arcadia now, though it is a tobacco that should
+only be smoked by our greatest men. Were we to present a tin of it to
+our national heroes, instead of the freedom of the city, they would
+probably thank us more. Jimmy and the others are quite unworthy to smoke
+it; indeed, if I had my way they would give up smoking altogether.
+Nothing, perhaps, shows more completely how I have severed my bonds than
+this: that my wife is willing to let our friends smoke in the study, but
+I will not hear of it. There shall be no smoking in my house; and I have
+determined to speak to Jimmy about smoking out at our spare bedroom
+window. It is a mere contemptible pretence to say that none of the smoke
+comes back into the room. The curtains positively reek of it, and we
+must have them washed at once. I shall speak plainly to Jimmy because I
+want him to tell the others. They must understand clearly on what terms
+they are received in this house, and if they prefer making chimneys of
+themselves to listening to music, by all means let them stay at home.
+
+But when my wife is asleep and all the house is still, I listen to the
+man through the wall. At such times I have my brier in my mouth, but
+there is no harm in that, for it is empty. I did not like to give away
+my brier, knowing no one who understood it, and I always carry it about
+with me now to remind me of my dark past. When the man through the wall
+lights up I put my cold pipe in my mouth and we have a quiet hour
+together.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have never, to my knowledge, seen the man through the wall, for his
+door is round the corner, and, besides, I have no interest in him until
+half-past eleven P.M. We begin then. I know him chiefly by his pipes,
+and them I know by his taps on the wall as he knocks the ashes out of
+them. He does not smoke the Arcadia, for his temper is hasty, and he
+breaks the coals with his foot. Though I am compelled to say that I do
+not consider his character very lovable, he has his good points, and I
+like his attachment to his brier. He scrapes it, on the whole, a little
+roughly, but that is because he is so anxious to light up again, and I
+discovered long ago that he has signed an agreement with his wife to go
+to bed at half-past twelve. For some time I could not understand why
+he had a silver rim put on the bowl. I noticed the change in the tap
+at once, and the natural conclusion would have been that the bowl had
+cracked. But it never had the tap of a cracked bowl. I was reluctant
+to believe that the man through the wall was merely some vulgar fellow,
+and I felt that he could not be so, or else he would have smoked his
+meerschaum more. At last I understood. The bowl had worn away on one
+side, and the silver rim had been needed to keep the tobacco in.
+Undoubtedly this was the explanation, for even before the rim came I was
+a little puzzled by the taps of the brier. He never seemed to hit the
+wall with the whole mouth of the bowl, but of course the reason was that
+he could not. At the same time I do not exonerate him from blame. He is
+a clumsy smoker to burn his bowl at one side, and I am afraid he lets
+the stem slip round in his teeth. Of course, I see that the mouth-piece
+is loose, but a piece of blotting-paper would remedy that.
+
+His meerschaum is not such a good one as Jimmy's. Though Jimmy's
+boastfulness about his meerschaum was hard to bear, none of us ever
+denied the pipe's worth. The man through the wall has not a cherry-wood
+stem to his meerschaum, and consequently it is too light. A ring has
+been worn into the palm of his left hand, owing to his tapping the
+meerschaum there, and it is as marked as Jimmy's ring, for, though Jimmy
+tapped more strongly, the man through the wall has to tap oftener.
+
+What I chiefly dislike about the man through the wall is his treatment
+of his clay. A clay, I need scarcely say, has an entirely different tap
+from a meerschaum, but the man through the wall does not treat these two
+pipes as if they were on an equality. He ought to tap his clay on the
+palm of his hand, but he seldom does so, and I am strongly of opinion
+that when he does, it is only because he has forgotten that this is not
+the meerschaum. Were he to tap the clay on the walls or on the ribs of
+the fireplace he would smash it, so he taps it on a coal. About this
+there is something contemptible. I am not complaining because he has
+little affection for his clay. In face of all that has been said in
+honor of clays, and knowing that this statement will occasion an outcry
+against me, I admit that I never cared for clays myself. A rank tobacco
+is less rank through a church-warden, but to smoke the Arcadia through a
+clay is to incur my contempt, and even my resentment. But to disbelieve
+in clays is one thing and to treat them badly is another. If the man
+through the wall has decided, after reflection and experiment, that his
+clay is a mistake, I say let him smoke it no more; but so long as he
+does smoke it I would have it receive consideration from him. I very
+much question whether, if he reads his heart, he could learn from
+it that he loves his meerschaum more than his clay, yet because the
+meerschaum cost more he taps it on his palm. This is a serious charge
+to bring against any man, but I do not make it lightly.
+
+The man through the wall smokes each of these three pipes nightly,
+beginning with the brier. Thus he does not like a hot pipe. Some will
+hold that he ought to finish with the brier, as it is his favorite, but
+I am not of that opinion. Undoubtedly, I think, the first pipe is the
+sweetest; indeed, I feel bound to make a statement here. I have an
+uneasy feeling that I never did justice to meerschaums, and for this
+reason: I only smoked them after my brier was hot, so that I never gave
+them a fair chance. If I had begun the day with a meerschaum, might it
+not have shown itself in a new light? That is a point I shall never be
+able to decide now, but I often think of it, and I leave the verdict
+to others.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Even though I did not know that the man through the wall must retire at
+half-past twelve, his taps at that hour would announce it. He then gives
+each of his pipes a final tap, not briskly as before, but slowly, as if
+he was thinking between each tap. I have sometimes decided to send him a
+tin of the only tobacco to smoke, but on the whole I could not undertake
+the responsibility of giving a man whom I have only studied for a few
+months such a testimonial. Therefore when his last tap says good-night
+to me, I take my cold brier out of my mouth, tap it on the mantelpiece,
+smile sadly, and go to bed.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
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+are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the
+country where you are located before using this eBook.
+</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: My Lady Nicotine<br />
+  A Study in Smoke</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: J. M. Barrie</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Illustrator: M. B. Prendergast</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: July 29, 2006 [eBook #18934]<br />
+[Most recently updated: October 17, 2021]</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div>
+<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Ted Garvin, David Garcia and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team</div>
+<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY LADY NICOTINE ***</div>
+
+    <p>
+      &nbsp; <span class="pagenum"><a id="pagei" name="pagei"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-halftitle" id="image-halftitle">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/halftitle.png" style="width:500px;height:873px;"
+      alt="Half-Title" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &nbsp; <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageii" name="pageii"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &nbsp; <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageiii" name="pageiii"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &nbsp; <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageiv" name="pageiv"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-frontis" id="image-frontis">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/frontis.jpg" style="width:500px; height:798px;"
+      alt="Frontispiece" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="pagev" name="pagev"></a></span> <a
+      name="h2H_4_0001" id="h2H_4_0001">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <div style="border: .75em double black; ">
+      <h1 style="border-width: .25em; border-color: black; border-style: none none double none; padding-bottom:1em; line-height: 2em;">
+        MY LADY<br /> NICOTINE
+      </h1>
+      <h2>
+        A Study in Smoke
+      </h2>
+      <h3>
+        BY J. M. BARRIE <br />&nbsp;<br /> <span style="font-size: 80%!important;">
+        AUTHOR OF "SENTIMENTAL TOMMY," ETC. </span>
+      </h3>
+      <p>
+        &nbsp;
+      </p>
+      <h4>
+        <i>ILLUSTRATED BY</i><br /> M. B. PRENDERGAST
+      </h4>
+      <hr />
+      <p style="font-size: 70%; text-indent: 0; text-align: center;">
+        <br />&nbsp;<br /> BOSTON <br /> KNIGHT AND MILLET <br /> PUBLISHERS
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2H_4_0002" id="h2H_4_0002">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &nbsp; <span class="pagenum"><a id="pagevi" name="pagevi"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &nbsp; <span class="pagenum"><a id="pagevii" name="pagevii"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      CONTENTS
+    </h2>
+    <table style="width:500px;" summary="Table of Contents">
+      <tr>
+        <td colspan="3">
+          <div class="figure">
+            <a name="image-cont-h" id="image-cont-h">
+            <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/contents-h.png"
+            style="width:500px; height: 479px;"
+            alt="Headpiece to Table of Contents" />
+          </div>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td class="sc" style="text-align: right;">
+          chap.
+        </td>
+        <td></td>
+        <td class="sc" style="text-align: right;">
+          page
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          I.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0001" class="sc">Matrimony and Smoking compared</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          1
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          II.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0002" class="sc">My First Cigar</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          11
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          III.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0003" class="sc">The Arcadia Mixture</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          18
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          IV.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0004" class="sc">My Pipes</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          27
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          V.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0005" class="sc">My Tobacco-Pouch</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          38
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          VI.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0006" class="sc">My Smoking-Table</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          45
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          VII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0007" class="sc">Gilray</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          52
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          VIII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0008" class="sc">Marriot</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          60
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          IX.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0009" class="sc">Jimmy</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          70
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageviii" name="pageviii"></a></span>
+          X.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0010" class="sc">Scrymgeour</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          78
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XI.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0011" class="sc">His Wife's Cigars</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          87
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0012" class="sc">Gilray's Flower-Pot</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          94
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XIII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0013" class="sc">The Grandest Scene in History</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          103
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XIV.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0014" class="sc">My Brother Henry</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          116
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XV.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0015" class="sc">House-Boat "Arcadia"</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          124
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XVI.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0016" class="sc">The Arcadia Mixture Again</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          133
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XVII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0017" class="sc">The Romance of a Pipe-Cleaner</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          143
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXVIII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0018" class="sc">What could he do?</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          151
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XIX.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0019" class="sc">Primus</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          159
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XX.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0020" class="sc">Primus to his Uncle</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          168
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXI.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0021" class="sc">English-grown Tobacco</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          177
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0022" class="sc">How Heroes smoke</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          186
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXIII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0023" class="sc">The Ghost of Christmas Eve</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          194
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXIV.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0024" class="sc">Not the Arcadia</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          202
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXV.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0025" class="sc">A Face that haunted Marriot</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          209
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXVI.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0026" class="sc">Arcadians at Bay</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          216
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXVII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0027" class="sc">Jimmy's Dream</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          223
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXVIII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0028" class="sc">Gilray's Dream</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          231
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXIX.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0029" class="sc">Pettigrew's Dream</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          239
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXX.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0030" class="sc">The Murder in the Inn</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          247
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXXI.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0031" class="sc">The Perils of not Smoking</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          252
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXXII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0032" class="sc">My Last Pipe</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          260
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          XXXIII.
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <a href="#h2HCH0033" class="sc">When my Wife is Asleep and all the
+          House is Still</a>
+        </td>
+        <td style="text-align: right;">
+          269
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td colspan="3">
+          <a name="image-cont-t" id="image-cont-t">
+          <!-- IMG --></a>
+          <div class="figcenter">
+            <img src="images/contents-t.png" style="width:400px; height: 220px;"
+            alt="Tailpiece to Table of Contents" />
+          </div>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageix" name="pageix"></a></span> <a
+      name="h2H_ILL" id="h2H_ILL">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Illustrations
+    </h2>
+    <div style="width:500px!important; margin: auto;">
+      <a name="image-illu-h" id="image-illu-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/illust-ha.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:both;width:500px; height:78px; margin-right:1em;"
+      alt="Headpiece to List of Illustrations" /> <img src="images/illust-hb.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:169px;height:734px; margin-right:1em;"
+      alt="Headpiece to List of Illustrations" />
+       <!-- <div style="padding:0;padding:100px 0 0 0;; text-indent:0;"></div> -->
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-halftitle">Half-Title </a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          i
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-frontis">Frontispiece</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          iv
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#h2H_4_0001">Title-Page </a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          v
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-cont-h">Headpiece to Table of Contents </a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          vii
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-cont-t">Tailpiece to Table of Contents </a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          viii
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-illu-h">Headpiece to List of Illustrations</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          ix
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-illu-t">Tailpiece to List of Illustrations</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          xiii
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch01-h">Headpiece to Chap. I.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          1
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch01-1">"As well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          6
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch01-2">"There are the Japanese fans on the wall"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          7
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch01-t">Tailpiece Chap. I. "My wife puts her hand on
+          my shoulder"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          10
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch02-h">Headpiece Chap. II.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          11
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch02-1">"At last he jumped up"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          14
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch02-2">Box of cigars</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          15
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch02-t">Tailpiece Chap. II. "I firmly lighted my first
+          cigar"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          17
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch03-h">Headpiece Chap. III. "Jimmy pins a notice on
+          his door"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          18
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch03-1">"We are only to be distinguished by our pipes"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          20
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch03-2">The Arcadia Mixture</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          21
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch03-t">Tailpiece Chap. III.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          26
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch04-h">Headpiece Chap. IV. "Oh, see what I have done"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          27
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch04-1">"I fell in love with two little meerschaums"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          33
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch04-2">Pipes and pouch</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          36
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch04-t">Tailpiece Chap. IV.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          37
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch05-h">Headpiece Chap. V. "They ... made tongs of
+          their knitting-needles to lift it"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          38
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch05-1">"I ... cast my old pouch out at the window"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          40, 41
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch05-2">"It never quite recovered from its night in
+          the rain"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          43
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch05-t">Tailpiece Chap. V.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          44
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch06-h">Headpiece Chap VI. "My Smoking-Table"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          45
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch06-1">"Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          48
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch06-t">Tailpiece Chap. VI.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          51
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch07-h">Headpiece Chap. VII. "We met first in the
+          Merediths' house-boat"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          52
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch07-1">"He 'strode away blowing great clouds into the
+          air,'"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          57
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch07-t">Tailpiece Chap. VII. "The Arcadia had him for
+          its own"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          59
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch08-h">Headpiece Chap. VIII. "I let him talk on"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          60
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch08-1">Pipes and jar of spills</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          62, 63
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch08-7">Tray of pipes and cigars</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          64
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch08-8">"I would ... light him to his sleeping-chamber
+          with a spill"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          68
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch08-t">Tailpiece Chap. VIII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          69
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch09-h">Headpiece Chap. IX. "The stem was a long
+          cherry-wood"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          70
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch09-1">"In time ... the Arcadia Mixture made him more
+          and more like the rest of us"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          71
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch09-2">"A score of smaller letters were tumbling
+          about my feet"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          74
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch09-t">Tailpiece Chap. IX. "Mothers' pets"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          77
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch10-h">Headpiece Chap. X. "Scrymgeour was an artist"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          78
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch10-1">"With shadowy reptiles crawling across the
+          panels"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          81
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch10-2">"Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat into a
+          Japanese dressing-gown"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          84
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch10-t">Tailpiece Chap. X.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          86
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch11-h">Headpiece Chap. XI. "His wife's cigars"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          87
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch11-1">"A packet of Celebros alighted on my head"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          88
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch11-2">"I told her the cigars were excellent"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          90
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch11-t">Tailpiece Chap. XI.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          93
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch12-h">Headpiece Chap. XII. "Gilray's flower-pot"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          94
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch12-1">"Then Arcadians would drop in"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          97
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch12-2">"I wrote to him"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          99
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch12-t">Tailpiece Chap. XII. "The can nearly fell from
+          my hand"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          102
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch13-h">Headpiece Chap. XIII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          103
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch13-1">"Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this
+          country"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          105
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch13-2">The Arcadia Mixture</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          111
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch13-3">"Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern picking
+          out his men"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          113
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch13-t">Tailpiece Chap. XIII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          115
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch14-h">Headpiece Chap. XIV. "I was testing some new
+          Cabanas"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          116
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch14-1">"A few weeks later some one tapped me on the
+          shoulder"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          118
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch14-2">"Naturally in the circumstances you did not
+          want to talk about Henry"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          120
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch14-t">Tailpiece Chap. XIV.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          123
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch15-h">Headpiece Chap. XV. "House-boat Arcadia"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          124
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch15-1">"I caught my straw hat disappearing on the
+          wings of the wind"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          126
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch15-2">"It was the boy come back with the vegetables"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          129
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch15-t">Tailpiece Chap. XV. "There was a row all
+          round, which resulted in our division into five parties"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          132
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch16-h">Headpiece Chap. XVI. "The Arcadia Mixture
+          again"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          133
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch16-1">"On the open window ... stood a round tin of
+          tobacco"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          135
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch16-2">"A pipe of the Mixture"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          138
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch16-3">"The lady was making pretty faces with a
+          cigarette in her mouth"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          139
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch16-t">Tailpiece Chap. XVI.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          142
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch17-h">Headpiece Chap. XVII. "He was in love again"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          143
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch17-1">"I heard him walking up and down the deck"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          145
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch17-t">Tailpiece Chap. XVII. "He took the wire off me
+          and used it to clean his pipe"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          150
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch18-h">Headpiece Chap. XVIII. "I had walked from
+          Spondinig to Franzenshohe"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          151
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch18-1">"On the middle of the plank she had turned to
+          kiss her hand"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          152
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch18-2">"Then she burst into tears"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          157
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch18-t">Tailpiece Chap. XVIII. "A wall has risen up
+          between us"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          158
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch19-h">Headpiece Chap. XIX. "Primus"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          159
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch19-1">"Many tall hats struck, to topple in the dust"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          161
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch19-2">"Running after sheep, from which ladies were
+          flying"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          163
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch19-3">"I should like to write you a line"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          165
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch19-t">Tailpiece Chap. XIX. "I am, respected sir,
+          your diligent pupil"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          167
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch20-h">Headpiece Chap. XX.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          168
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch20-1">"Reading Primus's letters"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          171
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch20-t">Tailpiece Chap. XX.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          176
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch21-h">Headpiece Chap. XXI. "English-grown tobacco"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          177
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch21-1">"I smoked my third cigar very slowly"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          182
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch21-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXI.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          185
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch22-h">Headpiece Chap. XXII. "How heroes smoke"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          186
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch22-1">"Once, indeed, we do see Strathmore smoking a
+          good cigar"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          189
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch22-2">"A half-smoked cigar"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          190
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch22-3">"The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily
+          against the door"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          192
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch22-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          193
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch23-h">Headpiece Chap. XXIII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          194
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch23-1">"The ghost of Christmas eve"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          195
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch23-2">"My pipe"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          199
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch23-3">"My brier, which I found beneath my pillow"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          200
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch23-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXIII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          201
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch24-h">Headpiece Chap. XXIV. "But the pipes were old
+          friends"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          202
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch24-1">"It had the paper in its mouth"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          205
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch24-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXIV. "I was pleased that I
+          had lost"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          208
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch25-h">Headpiece Chap. XXV. "A face that haunted
+          Marriot"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          209
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch25-1">"There was the French girl at Algiers"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          212
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch25-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXV.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          215
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch26-h">Headpiece Chap. XXVI. "Arcadians at bay"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          216
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch26-1">Pipes and tobacco-jar</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          220
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch26-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXVI. "Jimmy began as follows"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          222
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch27-h">Headpiece Chap. XXVII. "Jimmy's dream"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          223
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch27-1">Pipes</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          226
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch27-2">"Council for defence calls attention to the
+          prisoner's high and unblemished character"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          229
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch27-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXVII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          230
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch28-h">Headpiece Chap. XXVIII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          231
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch28-1">"These indefatigable amateurs began to dance a
+          minuet"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          235
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch28-2">A friendly favor</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          237
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch28-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXVIII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          238
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch29-h">Headpiece Chap. XXIX. "Pettigrew's dream"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          239
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch29-1">"He went round the morning-room"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          241
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch29-2">"His wife ... filled his pipe for him"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          243
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch29-3">"Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to
+          the study"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          244
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch29-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXIX. "I awarded the tin of
+          Arcadia to Pettigrew"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          246
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch30-h">Headpiece Chap. XXX. "Sometimes I think it is
+          all a dream"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          247
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch30-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXX.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          251
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch31-h">Headpiece Chap. XXXI. "They thought I had
+          weakly yielded"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          252
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch31-1">"They went one night in a body to Pettigrew's"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          254
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch31-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXXI.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          259
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch32-h">Headpiece Chap. XXXII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          260
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch32-1">"Then we began to smoke"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          262
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch32-2">"I conjured up the face of a lady"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          265
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch32-3">"Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had
+          been to me"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          267
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch32-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXXII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          268
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch33-h">Headpiece Chap. XXXIII. "When my wife is
+          asleep and all the house is still"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          269
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch33-1">"The man through the wall"</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          272
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch33-2">Pipes</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          275
+        </div>
+      </div>
+      <div class="illref">
+        <div class="a">
+          <a href="#image-ch33-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXXIII.</a>
+        </div>
+        <div class="b">
+          276
+        </div>
+      </div>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-illu-t" id="image-illu-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/illust-t.png" style="width:400px;height:262px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece to List of Illustrations" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &nbsp;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page1" name="page1"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0001" id="h2HCH0001">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <a name="image-ch01-h" id="image-ch01-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch01-h.png"
+      style="width:500px;height:210px;" alt="Headpiece to Chap. I." />
+    </div>
+    <h1>
+      MY LADY NICOTINE.
+    </h1>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER I.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      MATRIMONY AND SMOKING COMPARED.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      The circumstances in which I gave up smoking were these:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was a mere bachelor, drifting toward what I now see to be a tragic
+      middle age. I had become so accustomed to smoke issuing from my mouth that
+      I felt incomplete without it; indeed, the time came when I could refrain
+      from smoking if doing nothing else, but hardly during the hours of toil.
+      To lay aside my pipe was to find myself soon afterward wandering
+      restlessly round my table. No blind beggar was ever more abjectly led by
+      his dog, or more loath to cut the string.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page2" name="page2"></a></span> I am
+      much better without tobacco, and already have a difficulty in sympathizing
+      with the man I used to be. Even to call him up, as it were, and regard him
+      without prejudice is a difficult task, for we forget the old selves on
+      whom we have turned our backs, as we forget a street that has been
+      reconstructed. Does the freed slave always shiver at the crack of a whip?
+      I fancy not, for I recall but dimly, and without acute suffering, the
+      horrors of my smoking days. There were nights when I awoke with a pain at
+      my heart that made me hold my breath. I did not dare move. After perhaps
+      ten minutes of dread, I would shift my position an inch at a time. Less
+      frequently I felt this sting in the daytime, and believed I was dying
+      while my friends were talking to me. I never mentioned these experiences
+      to a human being; indeed, though a medical man was among my companions, I
+      cunningly deceived him on the rare occasions when he questioned me about
+      the amount of tobacco I was consuming weekly. Often in the dark I not only
+      vowed to give up smoking, but wondered why I cared for it. Next morning I
+      went straight from breakfast to my pipe, without the smallest struggle
+      with myself. Latterly I knew, while resolving to break myself of the
+      habit, that I would be better <span class="pagenum"><a id="page3"
+      name="page3"></a></span> employed trying to sleep. I had elaborate
+      ways of cheating myself, but it became disagreeable to me to know how many
+      ounces of tobacco I was smoking weekly. Often I smoked cigarettes to
+      reduce the number of my cigars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the other hand, if these sharp pains be excepted, I felt quite well. My
+      appetite was as good as it is now, and I worked as cheerfully and
+      certainly harder. To some slight extent, I believe, I experienced the same
+      pains in my boyhood, before I smoked, and I am not an absolute stranger to
+      them yet. They were most frequent in my smoking days, but I have no other
+      reason for charging them to tobacco. Possibly a doctor who was himself a
+      smoker would have pooh-poohed them. Nevertheless, I have lighted my pipe,
+      and then, as I may say, hearkened for them. At the first intimation that
+      they were coming I laid the pipe down and ceased to smoke&mdash;until they
+      had passed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I will not admit that, once sure it was doing me harm, I could not,
+      unaided, have given up tobacco. But I was reluctant to make sure. I should
+      like to say that I left off smoking because I considered it a mean form of
+      slavery, to be condemned for moral as well as physical reasons; but though
+      now I clearly see the folly of smoking, I was blind to it for some months
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page4" name="page4"></a></span> after I
+      had smoked my last pipe. I gave up my most delightful solace, as I
+      regarded it, for no other reason than that the lady who was willing to
+      fling herself away on me said that I must choose between it and her. This
+      deferred our marriage for six months.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have now come, as those who read will see, to look upon smoking with my
+      wife's eyes. My old bachelor friends complain because I do not allow
+      smoking in the house, but I am always ready to explain my position, and I
+      have not an atom of pity for them. If I cannot smoke here neither shall
+      they. When I visit them in the old inn they take a poor revenge by blowing
+      rings of smoke almost in my face. This ambition to blow rings is the most
+      ignoble known to man. Once I was a member of a club for smokers, where we
+      practised blowing rings. The most successful got a box of cigars as a
+      prize at the end of the year. Those were days! Often I think wistfully of
+      them. We met in a cozy room off the Strand. How well I can picture it
+      still. Time-tables lying everywhere, with which we could light our pipes.
+      Some smoked clays, but for the Arcadia Mixture give me a brier. My brier
+      was the sweetest ever known. It is strange now to recall a time when a
+      pipe seemed to be my best friend.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page5" name="page5"></a></span> My
+      present state is so happy that I can only look back with wonder at my
+      hesitation to enter upon it. Our house was taken while I was still arguing
+      that it would be dangerous to break myself of smoking all at once. At that
+      time my ideal of married life was not what it is now, and I remember
+      Jimmy's persuading me to fix on this house, because the large room
+      upstairs with the three windows was a smoker's dream. He pictured himself
+      and me there in the summer-time blowing rings, with our coats off and our
+      feet out at the windows; and he said that the closet at the back looking
+      on to a blank wall would make a charming drawing-room for my wife. For the
+      moment his enthusiasm carried me away, but I see now how selfish it was,
+      and I have before me the face of Jimmy when he paid us his first visit and
+      found that the closet was not the drawing-room. Jimmy is a fair specimen
+      of a man, not without parts, destroyed by devotion to his pipe. To this
+      day he thinks that mantelpiece vases are meant for holding pipe-lights in.
+      We are almost certain that when he stays with us he smokes in his bedroom&mdash;a
+      detestable practice that I cannot permit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Two cigars a day at ninepence apiece come to <i>£</i>27 7<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i>
+      yearly, and four ounces of tobacco a week at nine shillings a pound come
+      to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page6" name="page6"></a></span> <a
+      name="image-ch01-1" id="image-ch01-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch01-1.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:290px;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em; padding-right: 0;"
+      alt="&quot;As well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress&quot;" /> <i>£</i>5
+      17<i>s.</i> yearly. That makes <i>£</i>33 4<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> When we
+      calculate the yearly expense of tobacco in this way, we are naturally
+      taken aback, and our extravagance shocks us more after we have considered
+      how much more satisfactorily the money might have been spent. With <i>£</i>33
+      4<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> you can buy new Oriental rugs for the drawing-room,
+      as well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress. These are things that give
+      permanent pleasure, whereas you have no interest in a cigar after flinging
+      away the stump. Judging by myself, I should say that it was want of
+      thought rather than selfishness that makes heavy smokers of so many
+      bachelors. Once a man marries, his eyes are opened to many things that he
+      was quite unaware of previously, among them being the delight of adding an
+      article of furniture to the drawing-room every month, and having a bedroom
+      in pink and gold, the door of which is always kept locked. If men would
+      only consider that every cigar they smoke would buy part of a new
+      piano-stool in terra-cotta plush, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page7"
+      name="page7"></a></span> and that for every pound tin of tobacco
+      purchased away goes a vase for growing dead geraniums in, they would
+      surely hesitate. They do not consider, however, until they marry, and then
+      they are forced to it. For my own part, I fail to see why bachelors should
+      be allowed to smoke as much as they like, when we are debarred from it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch01-2" id="image-ch01-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figure" style="clear: both;">
+      <img src="images/ch01-2.png"
+      style="width:500px; height:127px; clear: both;"
+      alt="&quot;There are the Japanese fans on the wall&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The very smell of tobacco is abominable, for one cannot get it out of the
+      curtains, and there is little pleasure in existence unless the curtains
+      are all right. As for a cigar after dinner, it only makes you dull and
+      sleepy and disinclined for ladies' society. A far more delightful way of
+      spending the evening is to go straight from dinner to the drawing-room and
+      have a little music. It calms the mind to listen to your wife's niece
+      singing, "Oh, that we two were Maying!" Even if you are not musical, as is
+      the case with me, there is a great deal in the drawing-room to refresh
+      you. There are the Japanese fans on the wall, which are things of beauty,
+      though your artistic taste may not be <span class="pagenum"><a id="page8"
+      name="page8"></a></span> sufficiently educated to let you know it
+      except by hearsay; and it is pleasant to feel that they were bought with
+      money which, in the foolish old days, would have been squandered on a box
+      of cigars. In like manner every pretty trifle in the room reminds you how
+      much wiser you are now than you used to be. It is even gratifying to stand
+      in summer at the drawing-room window and watch the very cabbies passing
+      with cigars in their mouths. At the same time, if I had the making of the
+      laws I would prohibit people's smoking in the street. If they are married
+      men, they are smoking drawing-room fire-screens and mantelpiece borders
+      for the pink-and-gold room. If they are bachelors, it is a scandal that
+      bachelors should get the best of everything.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nothing is more pitiable than the way some men of my acquaintance enslave
+      themselves to tobacco.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nay, worse, they make an idol of some one particular tobacco. I know a man
+      who considers a certain mixture so superior to all others that he will
+      walk three miles for it. Surely every one will admit that this is
+      lamentable. It is not even a good mixture, for I used to try it
+      occasionally; and if there is one man in London who knows tobaccoes it is
+      myself. There <span class="pagenum"><a id="page9" name="page9"></a></span>
+      is only one mixture in London deserving the adjective superb. I will not
+      say where it is to be got, for the result would certainly be that many
+      foolish men would smoke more than ever; but I never knew anything to
+      compare to it. It is deliciously mild yet full of fragrance, and it never
+      burns the tongue. If you try it once you smoke it ever afterward. It
+      clears the brain and soothes the temper. When I went away for a holiday
+      anywhere I took as much of that exquisite health-giving mixture as I
+      thought would last me the whole time, but I always ran out of it. Then I
+      telegraphed to London for more, and was miserable until it arrived. How I
+      tore the lid off the canister! That is a tobacco to live for. But I am
+      better without it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Occasionally I feel a little depressed after dinner still, without being
+      able to say why, and if my wife has left me, I wander about the room
+      restlessly, like one who misses something. Usually, however, she takes me
+      with her to the drawing-room, and reads aloud her delightfully long
+      home-letters or plays soft music to me. If the music be sweet and sad it
+      takes me away to a stair in an inn, which I climb gayly, and shake open a
+      heavy door on the top floor, and turn up the gas. It is a little room I am
+      in once again, and very dusty. A pile of papers <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page10" name="page10"></a></span> and magazines stands as high
+      as a table in the corner furthest from the door. The cane chair shows the
+      exact shape of Marriot's back. What is left (after lighting the fire) of a
+      frame picture lies on the hearth-rug. Gilray walks in uninvited. He has
+      left word that his visitors are to be sent on to me. The room fills. My
+      hand feels along the mantelpiece for a brown jar. The jar is between my
+      knees; I fill my pipe....
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After a time the music ceases, and my wife puts her hand on my shoulder.
+      Perhaps I start a little, and then she says I have been asleep. This is
+      the book of my dreams.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch01-t" id="image-ch01-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch01-t.png" width="400" height="330"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. I. &quot;My wife puts her hand on my shoulder&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page11" name="page11"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0002" id="h2HCH0002">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER II.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      MY FIRST CIGAR.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch02-h" id="image-ch02-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch02-h.png"
+      style="width:150px;height:412px;float: right; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em; padding: 0;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. II." />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was not in my chambers, but three hundred miles further north, that I
+      learned to smoke. I think I may say with confidence that a first cigar was
+      never smoked in such circumstances before.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At that time I was a school-boy, living with my brother, who was a man.
+      People mistook our relations, and thought I was his son. They would ask me
+      how my father was, and when he heard of this he scowled at me. Even to
+      this day I look so young that people who remember me as a boy now think I
+      must be that boy's younger brother. I shall tell presently of a strange
+      mistake of this kind, but at present I am thinking of the evening when my
+      brother's eldest daughter was born&mdash;perhaps the most trying evening
+      he and I ever passed together. So far as I knew, the affair was very
+      sudden, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page12" name="page12"></a></span>
+      and I felt sorry for my brother as well as for myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We sat together in the study, he on an arm-chair drawn near the fire and I
+      on the couch. I cannot say now at what time I began to have an inkling
+      that there was something wrong. It came upon me gradually and made me very
+      uncomfortable, though of course I did not show this. I heard people going
+      up and down stairs, but I was not at that time naturally suspicious.
+      Comparatively early in the evening I felt that my brother had something on
+      his mind. As a rule, when we were left together, he yawned or drummed with
+      his fingers on the arm of his chair to show that he did not feel
+      uncomfortable, or I made a pretence of being at ease by playing with the
+      dog or saying that the room was close. Then one of us would rise, remark
+      that he had left his book in the dining-room, and go away to look for it,
+      taking care not to come back till the other had gone. In this crafty way
+      we helped each other. On that occasion, however, he did not adopt any of
+      the usual methods, and though I went up to my bedroom several times and
+      listened through the wall, I heard nothing. At last some one told me not
+      to go upstairs, and I returned to the study, feeling that I now knew the
+      worst. He <span class="pagenum"><a id="page13" name="page13"></a></span>
+      was still in the arm-chair, and I again took to the couch. I could see by
+      the way he looked at me over his pipe that he was wondering whether I knew
+      anything. I don't think I ever liked my brother better than on that night;
+      and I wanted him to understand that, whatever happened, it would make no
+      difference between us. But the affair upstairs was too delicate to talk
+      of, and all I could do was to try to keep his mind from brooding on it, by
+      making him tell me things about politics. This is the kind of man my
+      brother is. He is an astonishing master of facts, and I suppose he never
+      read a book yet, from a Blue Book to a volume of verse, without catching
+      the author in error about something. He reads books for that purpose. As a
+      rule I avoided argument with him, because he was disappointed if I was
+      right and stormed if I was wrong. It was therefore a dangerous thing to
+      begin on politics, but I thought the circumstances warranted it. To my
+      surprise he answered me in a rambling manner, occasionally breaking off in
+      the middle of a sentence and seeming to listen for something. I tried him
+      on history, and mentioned 1822 as the date of the battle of Waterloo,
+      merely to give him his opportunity. But he let it pass. After that there
+      was silence. By and by he <span class="pagenum"><a id="page14"
+      name="page14"></a></span> <a name="image-ch02-1" id="image-ch02-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch02-1.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:327px;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em; padding: 0;"
+      alt="&quot;At last he jumped up&quot;" /> rose from his chair, apparently
+      to leave the room, and then sat down again, as if he had thought better of
+      it. He did this several times, always eying me narrowly. Wondering how I
+      could make it easier for him, I took up a book and pretended to read with
+      deep attention, meaning to show him that he could go away if he liked
+      without my noticing it. At last he jumped up, and, looking at me boldly,
+      as if to show that the house was his and he could do what he liked in it,
+      went heavily from the room. As soon as he was gone I laid down my book. I
+      was now in a state of nervous excitement, though outwardly I was quite
+      calm. I took a look at him as he went up the stairs, and noticed that he
+      had slipped off his shoes on the bottom step. All haughtiness had left him
+      now.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In a little while he came back. He found me reading. He lighted his pipe
+      and pretended to read too. I shall never forget that my book was "Anne
+      Judge, Spinster," while his was a volume of "Blackwood." Every five
+      minutes his pipe went out, and sometimes <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page15" name="page15"></a></span> the book lay neglected on his
+      knee as he stared at the fire. Then he would go out for five minutes and
+      come back again. It was late now, and I felt that I should like to go to
+      my bedroom and lock myself in. That, however, would have been selfish; so
+      we sat on defiantly. At last he started from his chair as some one knocked
+      at the door. I heard several people talking, and then loud above their
+      voices a younger one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch02-2" id="image-ch02-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch02-2.png" style="width:400px;height:169px;"
+      alt="Box of cigars" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      When I came to myself, the first thing I thought was that they would ask
+      me to hold it. Then I remembered, with another sinking at the heart, that
+      they might want to call it after me. These, of course, were selfish
+      reflections; but my position was a trying one. The question was, what was
+      the proper thing for me to do? I told myself that my brother might come
+      back at any moment, and all I thought of after that was what I should say
+      to him. I had an <span class="pagenum"><a id="page16" name="page16"></a>
+      </span> idea that I ought to congratulate him, but it seemed a brutal
+      thing to do. I had not made up my mind when I heard him coming down. He
+      was laughing and joking in what seemed to me a flippant kind of way,
+      considering the circumstances. When his hand touched the door I snatched
+      at my book and read as hard as I could. He was swaggering a little as he
+      entered, but the swagger went out of him as soon as his eye fell on me. I
+      fancy he had come down to tell me, and now he did not know how to begin.
+      He walked up and down the room restlessly, looking at me as he walked the
+      one way, while I looked at him as he walked the other way. At length he
+      sat down again and took up his book. He did not try to smoke. The silence
+      was something terrible; nothing was to be heard but an occasional cinder
+      falling from the grate. This lasted, I should say, for twenty minutes, and
+      then he closed his book and flung it on the table. I saw that the game was
+      up, and closed "Anne Judge, Spinster." Then he said, with affected
+      jocularity: "Well, young man, do you know that you are an uncle?" There
+      was silence again, for I was still trying to think out some appropriate
+      remark. After a time I said, in a weak voice. "Boy or girl?" "Girl," he
+      answered. Then <span class="pagenum"><a id="page17" name="page17"></a>
+      </span> I thought hard again, and all at once remembered something.
+      "Both doing well?" I whispered. "Yes," he said sternly. I felt that
+      something great was expected of me, but I could not jump up and wring his
+      hand. I was an uncle. I stretched out my arm toward the cigar-box, and
+      firmly lighted my first cigar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch02-t" id="image-ch02-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch02-t.png" style="width:400px;height:497px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. II. &quot;I firmly lighted my first cigar&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page18" name="page18"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0003" id="h2HCH0003">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER III.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE ARCADIA MIXTURE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch03-h" id="image-ch03-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch03-ha.png"
+      style="float:left;width:200px;height:143px;padding:0; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. III. &quot;Jimmy pins a notice on his door&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch03-hb.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:both;width:129px;height:216px;padding: 0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. III. &quot;Jimmy pins a notice on his door&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Darkness comes, and with it the porter to light our stair gas. He vanishes
+      into his box. Already the inn is so quiet that the tap of a pipe on a
+      window-sill startles all the sparrows in the quadrangle. The men on my
+      stair emerged from their holes. Scrymgeour, in a dressing-gown, pushes
+      open the door of the boudoir on the first floor, and climbs lazily. The
+      sentimental face and the clay with a crack in it are Marriot's. Gilray,
+      who has been rehearsing his part in the new original comedy from the
+      Icelandic, ceases muttering and feels his way along his dark lobby. Jimmy
+      pins a notice on his door, "Called away on business," <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page19" name="page19"></a></span> and crosses to me. Soon we
+      are all in the old room again, Jimmy on the hearth-rug, Marriot in the
+      cane chair; the curtains are pinned together with a pen-nib, and the five
+      of us are smoking the Arcadia Mixture.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Pettigrew will be welcomed if he comes, but he is a married man, and we
+      seldom see him nowadays. Others will be regarded as intruders. If they are
+      smoking common tobaccoes, they must either be allowed to try ours or
+      requested to withdraw. One need only put his head in at my door to realize
+      that tobaccoes are of two kinds, the Arcadia and others. No one who smokes
+      the Arcadia would ever attempt to describe its delights, for his pipe
+      would be certain to go out. When he was at school, Jimmy Moggridge smoked
+      a cane chair, and he has since said that from cane to ordinary mixtures
+      was not so noticeable as the change from ordinary mixtures to the Arcadia.
+      I ask no one to believe this, for the confirmed smoker in Arcadia detests
+      arguing with anybody about anything. Were I anxious to prove Jimmy's
+      statement, I would merely give you the only address at which the Arcadia
+      is to be had. But that I will not do. It would be as rash as proposing a
+      man with whom I am unacquainted for my club. You may not be worthy to
+      smoke the Arcadia Mixture.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page20" name="page20"></a></span> <a
+      name="image-ch03-1" id="image-ch03-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch03-1.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:125px;height:658px;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em; padding: 0;"
+      alt="&quot;We are only to be distinguished by our pipes&quot;" /> Even
+      though I became attached to you, I might not like to take the
+      responsibility of introducing you to the Arcadia. This mixture has an
+      extraordinary effect upon character, and probably you want to remain as
+      you are. Before I discovered the Arcadia, and communicated it to the other
+      five&mdash;including Pettigrew&mdash;we had all distinct individualities,
+      but now, except in appearance&mdash;and the Arcadia even tells on that&mdash;we
+      are as like as holly leaves. We have the same habits, the same ways of
+      looking at things, the same satisfaction in each other. No doubt we are
+      not yet absolutely alike, indeed I intend to prove this, but in given
+      circumstances we would probably do the same thing, and, furthermore, it
+      would be what other people would not do. Thus when we are together we are
+      only to be distinguished by <span class="pagenum"><a id="page21"
+      name="page21"></a></span> our pipes; but any one of us in the
+      company of persons who smoke other tobaccoes would be considered highly
+      original. He would be a pigtail in Europe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you meet in company a man who has ideas and is not shy, yet refuses
+      absolutely to be drawn into talk, you may set him down as one <a
+      name="image-ch03-2" id="image-ch03-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch03-2.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:311px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding: 0;"
+      alt="The Arcadia Mixture" /> of us. Among the first effects of the Arcadia
+      is to put an end to jabber. Gilray had at one time the reputation of being
+      such a brilliant talker that Arcadians locked their doors on him, but now
+      he is a man that can be invited anywhere. The Arcadia is entirely
+      responsible for the change. Perhaps I myself am the most silent of our
+      company, and hostesses usually think me shy. They ask ladies to draw me
+      out, and when the ladies find me as hopeless as a sulky drawer, they call
+      me stupid. The charge may be true, but I do not resent it, for I smoke the
+      Arcadia Mixture, and am consequently indifferent to abuse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I willingly gibbet myself to show how reticent the Arcadia makes us. It
+      happens that I have <span class="pagenum"><a id="page22" name="page22"></a>
+      </span> a connection with Nottingham, and whenever a man mentions
+      Nottingham to me, with a certain gleam in his eye, I know that he wants to
+      discuss the lace trade. But it is a curious fact that the aggressive
+      talker constantly mixes up Nottingham and Northampton. "Oh, you know
+      Nottingham," he says, interestedly; "and how do you like Labouchere for a
+      member?" Do you think I put him right? Do you imagine me thirsting to tell
+      that Mr. Labouchere is the Christian member for Northampton? Do you
+      suppose me swift to explain that Mr. Broadhurst is one of the Nottingham
+      members, and that the "Nottingham lambs" are notorious in the history of
+      political elections? Do you fancy me explaining that he is quite right in
+      saying that Nottingham has a large market-place? Do you see me drawn into
+      half an hour's talk about Robin Hood? That is not my way. I merely reply
+      that we like Mr. Labouchere pretty well. It may be said that I gain
+      nothing by this; that the talker will be as curious about Northampton as
+      he would have been about Nottingham, and that Bradlaugh and Labouchere and
+      boots will serve his turn quite as well as Broadhurst and lace and Robin
+      Hood. But that is not so. Beginning on Northampton in the most confident
+      manner, it suddenly flashes across him that <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page23" name="page23"></a></span> he has mistaken Northampton
+      for Nottingham. "How foolish of me!" he says. I maintain a severe silence.
+      He is annoyed. My experience of talkers tells me that nothing annoys them
+      so much as a blunder of this kind. From the coldly polite way in which I
+      have taken the talker's remarks, he discovers the value I put upon them,
+      and after that, if he has a neighbor on the other side, he leaves me
+      alone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Enough has been said to show that the Arcadian's golden rule is to be
+      careful about what he says. This does not mean that he is to say nothing.
+      As society is at present constituted you are bound to make an occasional
+      remark. But you need not make it rashly. It has been said somewhere that
+      it would be well for talkative persons to count twenty, or to go over the
+      alphabet, before they let fall the observation that trembles on their
+      lips. The non-talker has no taste for such an unintellectual exercise. At
+      the same time he must not hesitate too long, for, of course, it is to his
+      advantage to introduce the subject. He ought to think out a topic of which
+      his neighbor will not be able to make very much. To begin on the fall of
+      snow, or the number of tons of turkeys consumed on Christmas Day, as
+      stated in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, is to deserve your fate. If you are
+      at a dinner-party <span class="pagenum"><a id="page24" name="page24"></a>
+      </span> of men only, take your host aside, and in a few well-considered
+      sentences find out from him what kind of men you are to sit between during
+      dinner. Perhaps one of them is an African traveller. A knowledge of this
+      prevents your playing into his hands, by remarking that the papers are
+      full of the relief of Emin Pasha. These private inquiries will also save
+      you from talking about Mr. Chamberlain to a neighbor who turns out to be
+      the son of a Birmingham elector. Allow that man his chance, and he will
+      not only give you the Birmingham gossip, but what individual electors said
+      about Mr. Chamberlain to the banker or the tailor, and what the grocer did
+      the moment the poll was declared, with particulars about the antiquity of
+      Birmingham and the fishing to be had in the neighborhood. What you ought
+      to do is to talk about Emin Pasha to this man, and to the traveller about
+      Mr. Chamberlain, taking care, of course, to speak in a low voice. In that
+      way you may have comparative peace. Everything, however, depends on the
+      calibre of your neighbors. If they agree to look upon you as an honorable
+      antagonist, and so to fight fair, the victory will be to him who deserves
+      it; that is to say, to the craftier man of the two. But talkers, as a
+      rule, do not fight fair. They consider <span class="pagenum"><a id="page25"
+      name="page25"></a></span> silent men their prey. It will thus be
+      seen that I distinguish between talkers, admitting that some of them are
+      worse than others. The lowest in the social scale is he who stabs you in
+      the back, as it were, instead of crossing swords. If one of the gentlemen
+      introduced to you is of that type, he will not be ashamed to say,
+      "Speaking of Emin Pasha, I wonder if Mr. Chamberlain is interested in the
+      relief expedition. I don't know if I told you that my father&mdash;&mdash;"
+      and there he is, fairly on horseback. It is seldom of any use to tempt him
+      into other channels. Better turn to your traveller and let him describe
+      the different routes to Egyptian Equatorial Provinces, with his own views
+      thereon. Allow him even to draw a map of Africa with a fork on the
+      table-cloth. A talker of this kind is too full of his subject to insist
+      upon answering questions, so that he does not trouble you much. It is his
+      own dinner that is spoiled rather than yours. Treat in the same way as the
+      Chamberlain talker the man who sits down beside you and begins,
+      "Remarkable man, Mr. Gladstone."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There was a ventilator in my room, which sometimes said "Crik-crik!"
+      reminding us that no one had spoken for an hour. Occasionally, however, we
+      had lapses of speech, when Gilray <span class="pagenum"><a id="page26"
+      name="page26"></a></span> might tell over again&mdash;though not
+      quite as I mean to tell it&mdash;the story of his first pipeful of the
+      Arcadia, or Scrymgeour, the travelled man, would give us the list of
+      famous places in Europe where he had smoked. But, as a rule, none of us
+      paid much attention to what the others said, and after the last pipe the
+      room emptied&mdash;unless Marriot insisted on staying behind to bore me
+      with his scruples&mdash;by first one and then another putting his pipe
+      into his pocket and walking silently out of the room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch03-t" id="image-ch03-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch03-t.png" style="width:400px;height:335px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. III." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page27" name="page27"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0004" id="h2HCH0004">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      MY PIPES.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      In a select company of scoffers my brier was known as the Mermaid. The
+      mouth-piece was a cigarette-holder, and months of unwearied practice were
+      required before you found the angle at which the bowl did not drop off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch04-h" id="image-ch04-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch04-h.png"
+      style="float: right; width:225px;height:364px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding:0;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. IV. &quot;Oh, see what I have done&quot;" /> This
+      brings me to one of the many advantages that my brier had over all other
+      pipes. It has given me a reputation for gallantry, to which without it I
+      fear I could lay no claim. I used to have a passion for repartee,
+      especially in the society of ladies. But it is with me as with many other
+      men of parts whose wit has ever to be fired by a long fuse: my best things
+      strike me as I wend my way home. This embittered my early days; and not
+      till the pride of youth had been tamed could I stop to lay in a stock of
+      repartee on likely subjects the night before. <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page28" name="page28"></a></span> Then my pipe helped me. It
+      was the apparatus that carried me to my prettiest compliment. Having
+      exposed my pipe in some prominent place where it could hardly escape
+      notice, I took measures for insuring a visit from a lady, young, graceful,
+      accomplished. Or I might have it ready for a chance visitor. On her
+      arrival, I conducted her to a seat near my pipe. It is not good to hurry
+      on to the repartee at once; so I talked for a time of the weather, the
+      theatres, the new novel. I kept my eye on her; and by and by she began to
+      look about her. She observed the strange-looking pipe. Now is the critical
+      moment. It is possible that she may pass it by without remark, in which
+      case all is lost; but experience has shown me that four times out of six
+      she touches it in assumed horror, to pass some humorous remark. Off
+      tumbles the bowl. "Oh," she exclaims, "see what I have done! I am so
+      sorry!" I pull myself together. "Madame," I reply calmly, and bowing low,
+      "what else was to be expected? You came near my pipe&mdash;and it lost its
+      head." She blushes, but cannot help being pleased; and I set my pipe for
+      the next visitor. By the help of a note-book, of course, I guarded myself
+      against paying this very neat compliment to any person more than once.
+      However, after I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page29" name="page29"></a>
+      </span> smoked the Arcadia the desire to pay ladies compliments went
+      from me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Journeying back into the past, I come to a time when my pipe had a
+      mouth-piece of fine amber. The bowl and the rest of the stem were of
+      brier, but it was a gentlemanly pipe, without silver mountings. Such
+      tobacco I revelled in as may have filled the pouch of Pan as he lay
+      smoking on the mountain-sides. Once I saw a beautiful woman with brown
+      hair, in and out of which the rays of a morning sun played hide-and-seek,
+      that might not unworthily have been compared to it. Beguiled by the
+      exquisite Arcadia, the days and the years passed from me in delicate rings
+      of smoke, and I contentedly watched them sailing to the skies. How
+      continuous was the line of those lovely circles, and how straight! One
+      could have passed an iron rod through them from end to end. But one day I
+      had a harsh awakening. I bit the amber mouth-piece of my pipe through, and
+      life was never the same again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is strange how attached we become to old friends, though they be but
+      inanimate objects. The old pipe put aside, I turned to a meerschaum, which
+      had been presented to me years before, with the caution that I must not
+      smoke it unless I wore kid gloves. There was no savor <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page30" name="page30"></a></span> in that pipe for me. I tried
+      another brier, and it made me unhappy. Clays would not keep in with me. It
+      seemed as if they knew I was hankering after the old pipe, and went out in
+      disgust. Then I got a new amber mouth-piece for my first love. In a week I
+      had bitten that through too, and in an over-anxious attempt to file off
+      the ragged edges I broke the screw. Moralists have said that the smoker
+      who has no thought but for his pipe never breaks it; that it is he only
+      who while smoking concentrates his mind on some less worthy object that
+      sends his teeth through the amber. This may be so; for I am a philosopher,
+      and when working out new theories I may have been careless even of that
+      which inspired them most.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After this second accident nothing went well with me or with my pipe. I
+      took the mouthpieces out of other pipes and fixed them on to the Mermaid.
+      In a little while one of them became too wide; another broke as I was
+      screwing it more firmly in. Then the bowl cracked at the rim and split at
+      the bottom. This was an annoyance until I found out what was wrong and
+      plugged up the fissures with sealing-wax. The wax melted and dropped upon
+      my clothes after a time; but it was easily renewed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was now that I had the happy thought of <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page31" name="page31"></a></span> bringing a cigarette-holder
+      to my assistance. But of course one cannot make a pipe-stem out of a
+      cigarette-holder all at once. The thread you wind round the screw has a
+      disappointing way of coming undone, when down falls the bowl, with an
+      escape of sparks. Twisting a piece of paper round the screw is an
+      improvement; but, until you have acquired the knack, the operation has to
+      be renewed every time you relight your pipe. This involves a sad loss of
+      time, and in my case it afforded a butt for the dull wit of visitors.
+      Otherwise I found it satisfactory, and I was soon astonishingly adept at
+      making paper screws. Eventually my brier became as serviceable as
+      formerly, though not, perhaps, so handsome. I fastened on the holder with
+      sealing-wax, and often a week passed without my having to renew the joint.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was no easy matter lighting a pipe like mine, especially when I had no
+      matches. I always meant to buy a number of boxes, but somehow I put off
+      doing it. Occasionally I found a box of vestas on my mantelpiece, which
+      some caller had left there by mistake, or sympathizing, perhaps, with my
+      case; but they were such a novelty that I never felt quite at home with
+      them. Generally I remembered they were there just after my pipe was
+      lighted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page32" name="page32"></a></span> When
+      I kept them in mind and looked forward to using them, they were at the
+      other side of the room, and it would have been a pity to get up for them.
+      Besides, the most convenient medium for lighting one's pipe is paper,
+      after all; and if you have not an old envelope in your pocket, there is
+      probably a photograph standing on the mantelpiece. It is convenient to
+      have the magazines lying handy; or a page from a book&mdash;hand-made
+      paper burns beautifully&mdash;will do. To be sure, there is the lighting
+      of your paper. For this your lamp is practically useless, standing in the
+      middle of the table, while you are in an easy-chair by the fireside; and
+      as for the tape-and-spark contrivance, it is the introduction of machinery
+      into the softest joys of life. The fire is best. It is near you, and you
+      drop your burning spill into it with a minimum waste of energy. The proper
+      fire for pipes is one in a cheerful blaze. If your spill is carelessly
+      constructed the flame runs up into your fingers before you know what you
+      are doing, so that it is as well to marry and get your wife to make spills
+      for you. Before you begin to smoke, scatter these about the fireplace.
+      Then you will be able to reach them without rising. The irritating fire is
+      the one that has burned low&mdash;when the coals are more than half
+      cinders, and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page33" name="page33"></a></span>
+      <a name="image-ch04-1" id="image-ch04-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch04-1.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:653px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;I fell in love with two little meerschaums&quot;" /> cling to
+      each other in fear of death. With such a fire it is no use attempting to
+      light a pipe all at once. Your better course now is to drop little bits of
+      paper into the likely places in the fire, and have a spill ready to apply
+      to the one that lights first. It is an anxious moment, for they may merely
+      shrivel up sullenly without catching fire, and in that case some men lose
+      their tempers. Bad to lose your temper over your pipe&mdash;&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No pipe really ever rivalled the brier in my affections, though I can
+      recall a mad month when I fell in love with two little meerschaums, which
+      I christened Romulus and Remus. They lay together in one case in Regent
+      Street, and it was with difficulty that I could pass <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page34" name="page34"></a></span> the shop without going in.
+      Often I took side streets to escape their glances, but at last I asked the
+      price. It startled me, and I hurried home to the brier.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I forget when it was that a sort of compromise struck me. This was that I
+      should present the pipes to my brother as a birthday gift. Did I really
+      mean to do this, or was I only trying to cheat my conscience? Who can
+      tell? I hurried again into Regent Street. There they were, more beautiful
+      than ever. I hovered about the shop for quite half an hour that day. My
+      indecision and vacillation were pitiful. Buttoning up my coat, I would
+      rush from the window, only to find myself back again in five minutes.
+      Sometimes I had my hand on the shop door. Then I tore it away and hurried
+      into Oxford Street. Then I slunk back again. Self whispered, "Buy them&mdash;for
+      your brother." Conscience said, "Go home." At last I braced myself up for
+      a magnificent effort, and jumped into a 'bus bound for London Bridge. This
+      saved me for the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I now began to calculate how I could become owner of the meerschaums&mdash;prior
+      to dispatching them by parcel-post to my brother&mdash;without paying for
+      them. That was my way of putting it. I calculated that by giving up my
+      daily <span class="pagenum"><a id="page35" name="page35"></a></span>
+      paper I should save thirteen shillings in six months. After all, why
+      should I take in a daily paper? To read through columns of public speeches
+      and police cases and murders in Paris is only to squander valuable time.
+      Now, when I left home I promised my father not to waste my time. My father
+      had been very good to me; why, then, should I do that which I had promised
+      him not to do? Then, again, there were the theatres. During the past six
+      months I had spent several pounds on theatres. Was this right? My mother,
+      who has never, I think, been in a theatre, strongly advised me against
+      frequenting such places. I did not take this much to heart at the time.
+      Theatres did not seem to me to be immoral. But, after all, my mother is
+      older than I am; and who am I, to set my views up against hers? By
+      avoiding the theatres for the next six months, I am (already), say, three
+      pounds to the good. I had been frittering away my money, too, on luxuries;
+      and luxuries are effeminate. Thinking the matter over temperately and
+      calmly in that way, I saw that I should be thoughtfully saving money,
+      instead of spending it, by buying Romulus and Remus, as I already called
+      them. At the same time, I should be gratifying my father and my mother,
+      and leading a higher and a nobler life. <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page36" name="page36"></a></span> <a name="image-ch04-2"
+      id="image-ch04-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch04-2.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:300px;padding:0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Pipes and pouch" /> Even then I do not know that I should have bought
+      the pipes until the six months were up, had I not been driven to it by
+      jealousy. On my life, love for a pipe is ever like love for a woman,
+      though they say it is not so acute. Many a man thinks there is no haste to
+      propose until he sees a hated rival approaching. Even if he is not in a
+      hurry for the lady himself, he loathes the idea of her giving herself, in
+      a moment of madness, to that other fellow. Rather than allow that, he
+      proposes himself, and so insures her happiness. It was so with me. Romulus
+      and Remus were taken from the window to show to a black-bearded, swarthy
+      man, whom I suspected of designs upon them the moment he entered the shop.
+      Ah, the agony of waiting until he came out! He was not worthy of them. I
+      never knew how much I loved them until I had nearly lost them. As soon as
+      he was gone I asked if <span class="pagenum"><a id="page37" name="page37"></a>
+      </span> he had priced them, and was told that he had. He was to call
+      again to-morrow. I left a deposit of a guinea, hurried home for more
+      money, and that night Romulus and Remus were mine. But I never really
+      loved them as I loved my brier.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch04-t" id="image-ch04-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch04-t.png" style="width:400px;height:307px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. IV." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page38" name="page38"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0005" id="h2HCH0005">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER V.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      MY TOBACCO-POUCH.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I once knew a lady who said of her husband that he looked nice when
+      sitting with a rug over him. My female relatives seemed to have the same
+      opinion of my tobacco-pouch; for they <a name="image-ch05-h"
+      id="image-ch05-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch05-h.png"
+      style="float:left;width:250px;height:405px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. V. &quot;They ... made tongs of their knitting-needles to lift it&quot;" />
+      never saw it, even in my own room, without putting a book or pamphlet over
+      it. They called it "that thing," and made tongs of their knitting-needles
+      to lift it; and when I indignantly returned it to my pocket, they raised
+      their hands to signify that I would not listen to reason. It seemed to
+      come natural to other persons to present me with new tobacco-pouches,
+      until I had nearly a score lying neglected in drawers. But I am not the
+      man to desert an old friend that has been with me everywhere and
+      thoroughly knows my ways. Once, indeed, <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page39" name="page39"></a></span> I came near to being
+      unfaithful to my tobacco-pouch, and I mean to tell how&mdash;partly as a
+      punishment to myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The incident took place several years ago. Gilray and I had set out on a
+      walking tour of the Shakespeare country; but we separated at Stratford,
+      which was to be our starting-point, because he would not wait for me. I am
+      more of a Shakespearian student than Gilray, and Stratford affected me so
+      much that I passed day after day smoking reverently at the hotel door;
+      while he, being of the pure tourist type (not that I would say a word
+      against Gilray), wanted to rush from one place of interest to another. He
+      did not understand what thoughts came to me as I strolled down the
+      Stratford streets; and in the hotel, when I lay down on the sofa, he said
+      I was sleeping, though I was really picturing to myself Shakespeare's
+      boyhood. Gilray even went the length of arguing that it would not be a
+      walking tour at all if we never made a start; so, upon the whole, I was
+      glad when he departed alone. The next day was a memorable one to me. In
+      the morning I wrote to my London tobacconist for more Arcadia. I had
+      quarrelled with both of the Stratford tobacconists. The one of them, as
+      soon as he saw my tobacco-pouch, almost compelled me to buy <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page40" name="page40"></a></span> a new one.
+      The second was even more annoying. I paid with a half-sovereign for the
+      tobacco I had got from him; but after gazing at the pouch he became
+      suspicious of the coin, and asked if I could not pay him in silver. An
+      insult to my pouch I considered an insult to myself; so I returned to
+      those shops no more. The evening of the day on which I wrote to London for
+      tobacco brought me a letter from home saying that my sister was seriously
+      ill. I had left her in good health, so that the news was the more
+      distressing. Of course I returned home by the first train. Sitting alone
+      in a dull railway compartment, my heart was filled with tenderness, and I
+      recalled the occasions on which I had carelessly given her pain. Suddenly
+      I remembered that more than once she had besought me with tears in her
+      eyes to fling away my old tobacco-pouch. She had always said that it was
+      not respectable. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page41" name="page41"></a>
+      </span> In the bitterness of self-reproach I pulled the pouch from my
+      pocket, asking myself whether, after all, the love of a good woman was not
+      a far more precious possession. Without giving myself time to hesitate, I
+      stood up and firmly cast my old pouch out at the window. I saw it fall at
+      the foot of a fence. The train shot on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch05-1" id="image-ch05-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter" style="padding: 0em; margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;">
+      <img src="images/ch05-1.png" style="width: 100%;clear:both;"
+      alt="&quot;I ... cast my old pouch out at the window&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      By the time I reached home my sister had been pronounced out of danger. Of
+      course I was much relieved to hear it, but at the same time this was a
+      lesson to me not to act rashly. The retention of my tobacco-pouch would
+      not have retarded her recovery, and I could not help picturing my pouch,
+      my oldest friend in the world, lying at the foot of that fence. I saw that
+      I had done wrong in casting it from me. I had not even the consolation of
+      feeling that if any one found it he would cherish it, for it was so much
+      damaged that I knew it could never appeal to a new owner as it appealed to
+      me. I had intended telling my sister of the sacrifice <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page42" name="page42"></a></span> made for her sake; but after
+      seeing her so much better, I left the room without doing so. There was
+      Arcadia Mixture in the house, but I had not the heart to smoke. I went
+      early to bed, and fell into a troubled sleep, from which I awoke with a
+      shiver. The rain was driving against my window, tapping noisily on it as
+      if calling on me to awake and go back for my tobacco-pouch. It rained far
+      on into the morning, and I lay miserably, seeing nothing before me but a
+      wet fence, and a tobacco-pouch among the grass at the foot of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch05-2" id="image-ch05-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch05-2.png"
+      style="float: left; width:150px;height:189px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Pouch" /> On the following afternoon I was again at Stratford. So far
+      as I could remember, I had flung away the pouch within a few miles of the
+      station; but I did not look for it until dusk. I felt that the porters had
+      their eyes on me. By crouching along hedges I at last reached the railway
+      a mile or two from the station, and began my search. It may be thought
+      that the chances were against my finding the pouch; but I recovered it
+      without much difficulty. The scene as I flung my old friend out at the
+      window had burned itself into my brain, and I could go to the spot to-day
+      as readily as I went on that occasion. There it was, lying among the
+      grass, but not quite in the place where it had fallen. Apparently some
+      navvy had found <span class="pagenum"><a id="page43" name="page43"></a>
+      </span> it, looked at it, and then dropped it. It was half-full of
+      water, and here and there it was sticking together; but I took it up
+      tenderly, and several times on the way back to the station I felt in my
+      pocket to make sure that it was really there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch05-3" id="image-ch05-3">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch05-3a.png"
+      style="float:right;width:200px;height:219px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;It never quite recovered from its night in the rain&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch05-3b.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:133px;height:125px;padding:0;margin:0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;It never quite recovered from its night in the rain&quot;" /> I
+      have not described the appearance of my pouch, feeling that to be
+      unnecessary. It never, I fear, quite recovered from its night in the rain,
+      and as my female relatives refused to touch it, I had to sew it together
+      now and then myself. Gilray used to boast of a way of mending a hole in a
+      tobacco-pouch that was better than sewing. You put the two pieces of
+      gutta-percha close together and then cut them sharply with scissors. This
+      makes them run together, he says, and I believed him until he experimented
+      upon my pouch. However, I did not object to a hole here and there.
+      Wherever I laid that pouch it left a small deposit of tobacco, and thus I
+      could <span class="pagenum"><a id="page44" name="page44"></a></span>
+      generally get together a pipeful at times when other persons would be
+      destitute. I never told my sister that my pouch was once all but lost, but
+      ever after that, when she complained that I had never even tried to do
+      without it, I smiled tenderly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch05-t" id="image-ch05-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch05-t.png" style="width:400px;height:103px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. V." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page45" name="page45"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0006" id="h2HCH0006">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      MY SMOKING-TABLE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch06-h" id="image-ch06-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch06-h.png"
+      style="float: right;width:150px;height:442px;padding:0; margin:0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap VI. &quot;My Smoking-Table&quot;" /> Had it not been
+      for a bootblack at Charing Cross I should probably never have bought the
+      smoking-table. I had to pass that boy every morning. In vain did I scowl
+      at him, or pass with my head to the side. He always pointed derisively (as
+      I thought) at my boots. Probably my boots were speckless, but that made no
+      difference; he jeered and sneered. I have never hated any one as I loathed
+      that boy, and to escape him I took to going round by the Lowther Arcade.
+      It was here that my eye fell on the smoking-table. In the Lowther Arcade,
+      if the attendants catch you looking <span class="pagenum"><a id="page46"
+      name="page46"></a></span> at any article for a fraction of a
+      second, it is done up in brown paper, you have paid your money, and they
+      have taken down your address before you realize that you don't want
+      anything. In this way I became the owner of my smoking-table, and when I
+      saw it in a brown-paper parcel on my return to my chambers I could not
+      think what it was until I cut the strings. Such a little gem of a table no
+      smokers should be without; and I am not ashamed to say that I was in love
+      with mine as soon as I had fixed the pieces together. It was of walnut,
+      and consisted mainly of a stalk and two round slabs not much bigger than
+      dinner-plates. There were holes in the centre of these slabs for the stalk
+      to go through, and the one slab stood two feet from the floor, the other a
+      foot higher. The lower slab was fitted with a walnut tobacco-jar and a
+      pipe-rack, while on the upper slab were exquisite little recesses for
+      cigars, cigarettes, matches, and ashes. These held respectively three
+      cigars, two cigarettes, and four wax vestas. The smoking-table was an
+      ornament to any room; and the first night I had it I raised my eyes from
+      my book to look at it every few minutes. I got all my pipes together and
+      put them in the rack; I filled the jar with tobacco, the recesses with
+      three cigars, two cigarettes, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page47"
+      name="page47"></a></span> and four matches; and then I thought I
+      would have a smoke. I swept my hand confidently along the mantelpiece, but
+      it did not stop at a pipe. I rose and looked for a pipe. I had half a
+      dozen, but not one was to be seen&mdash;none on the mantelpiece, none on
+      the window-sill, none on the hearth-rug, none being used as book-markers.
+      I tugged at the bell till William John came in quaking, and then I asked
+      him fiercely what he had done with my pipes. I was so obviously not to be
+      trifled with that William John, as we called him, because some thought his
+      name was William, while others thought it was John, very soon handed me my
+      favorite pipe, which he found in the rack on the smoking-table. This
+      incident illustrates one of the very few drawbacks of smoking-tables. Not
+      being used to them, you forget about them. William John, however, took the
+      greatest pride in the table, and whenever he saw a pipe lying on the rug
+      he pounced upon it and placed it, like a prisoner, in the rack. He was
+      also most particular about the three cigars, the two cigarettes, and the
+      four wax vestas, keeping them carefully in the proper compartments, where,
+      unfortunately, I seldom thought of looking for them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fatal defect of the smoking-table, however, <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page48" name="page48"></a></span> <a name="image-ch06-1"
+      id="image-ch06-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch06-1.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:418px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally&quot;" /> was that
+      it was generally rolling about the floor&mdash;the stalk in one corner,
+      the slabs here and there, the cigars on the rug to be trampled on, the lid
+      of the tobacco-jar beneath a chair. Every morning William John had to put
+      the table together. Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally. I would
+      fling a crumpled piece of paper into the waste-paper basket. It missed the
+      basket but hit the smoking-table, which went down like a wooden soldier.
+      When my fire went out, just because I had taken my eyes off it for a
+      moment, I called it names and flung the tongs at it. There was a crash&mdash;the
+      smoking-table again. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page49" name="page49"></a>
+      </span> In time I might have remedied this; but there is one weakness
+      which I could not stand in any smoking-table. A smoking-table ought to be
+      so constructed that from where you are sitting you can stretch out your
+      feet, twist them round the stalk, and so lift the table to the spot where
+      it will be handiest. This my smoking-table would never do. The moment I
+      had it in the air it wanted to stand on its head.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Though I still admired smoking-tables as much as ever, I began to want
+      very much to give this one away. The difficulty was not so much to know
+      whom to give it to as how to tie it up. My brother was the very person,
+      for I owed him a letter, and this, I thought, would do instead. For a
+      month I meant to pack the table up and send it to him; but I always put
+      off doing it, and at last I thought the best plan would be to give it to
+      Scrymgeour, who liked elegant furniture. As a smoker, Scrymgeour seemed
+      the very man to appreciate a pretty, useful little table. Besides, all I
+      had to do was to send William John down with it. Scrymgeour was out at the
+      time; but we left it at the side of his fireplace as a pleasant surprise.
+      Next morning, to my indignation, it was back at the side of my fireplace,
+      and in the evening Scrymgeour came and upbraided me for trying, <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page50" name="page50"></a></span> as he most
+      unworthily expressed it, "to palm the thing off on him." He was no sooner
+      gone than I took the table to pieces to send it to my brother. I tied the
+      stalk up in brown paper, meaning to get a box for the other parts. William
+      John sent off the stalk, and for some days the other pieces littered the
+      floor. My brother wrote me saying he had received something from me, for
+      which his best thanks; but would I tell him what it was, as it puzzled
+      everybody? This was his impatient way; but I made an effort, and sent off
+      the other pieces to him in a hat-box.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That was a year ago, and since then I have only heard the history of the
+      smoking-table in fragments. My brother liked it immensely; but he thought
+      it was too luxurious for a married man, so he sent it to Reynolds, in
+      Edinburgh. Not knowing Reynolds, I cannot say what his opinion was; but
+      soon afterward I heard of its being in the possession of Grayson, who was
+      charmed with it, but gave it to Pelle, because it was hardly in its place
+      in a bachelor's establishment. Later a town man sent it to a country
+      gentleman as just the thing for the country; and it was afterward in
+      Liverpool as the very thing for a town. There I thought it was lost, so
+      far as I was concerned. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page51" name="page51"></a>
+      </span> One day, however, Boyd, a friend of mine who lives in Glasgow,
+      came to me for a week, and about six hours afterward he said that he had a
+      present for me. He brought it into my sitting-room&mdash;a bulky parcel&mdash;and
+      while he was undoing the cords he told me it was something quite novel; he
+      had bought it in Glasgow the day before. When I saw a walnut leg I
+      started; in another two minutes I was trying to thank Boyd for my own
+      smoking-table. I recognized it by the dents. I was too much the gentleman
+      to insist on an explanation from Boyd; but, though it seems a harsh thing
+      to say, my opinion is that these different persons gave the table away
+      because they wanted to get rid of it. William John has it now.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch06-t" id="image-ch06-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch06-t.png" style="width:400px;height:290px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. VI." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page52" name="page52"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0007" id="h2HCH0007">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      GILRAY.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch07-h" id="image-ch07-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch07-ha.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:424px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="|Headpiece Chap. VII. &quot;We met first in the Merediths' house-boat&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch07-hb.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:341px;height:119px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="|Headpiece Chap. VII. &quot;We met first in the Merediths' house-boat&quot;" />
+      Gilray is an actor, whose life I may be said to have strangely influenced,
+      for it was I who brought him and the Arcadia Mixture together. After that
+      his coming to live on our stair was only a matter of rooms being vacant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We met first in the Merediths' house-boat, the <i>Tawny Owl</i>, which was
+      then lying at Molesey. Gilray, as I soon saw, was a man trying to be
+      miserable, and finding it the hardest task in life. It is strange that the
+      philosophers have never hit upon this profound truth. No man ever tried
+      harder to be unhappy than Gilray; but the luck was <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page53" name="page53"></a></span> against him, and he was
+      always forgetting himself. Mark Tapley succeeded in being jolly in adverse
+      circumstances; Gilray failed, on the whole, in being miserable in a
+      delightful house-boat. It is, however, so much more difficult to keep up
+      misery than jollity that I like to think of his attempt as what the
+      dramatic critics call a <i>succès d'estime</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The <i>Tawny Owl</i> lay on the far side of the island. There were ladies
+      in it; and Gilray's misery was meant to date from the moment when he asked
+      one of them a question, and she said "No." Gilray was strangely unlucky
+      during the whole of his time on board. His evil genius was there, though
+      there was very little room for him, and played sad pranks. Up to the time
+      of his asking the question referred to, Gilray meant to create a pleasant
+      impression by being jolly, and he only succeeded in being as depressing as
+      Jaques. Afterward he was to be unutterably miserable; and it was all he
+      could do to keep himself at times from whirling about in waltz tune. But
+      then the nearest boat had a piano on board, and some one was constantly
+      playing dance music. Gilray had an idea that it would have been the proper
+      thing to leave Molesey when she said "No;" and he would have done so had
+      not the barbel-fishing been <span class="pagenum"><a id="page54"
+      name="page54"></a></span> so good. The barbel-fishing was
+      altogether unfortunate&mdash;at least Gilray's passion for it was. I have
+      thought&mdash;and so sometimes has Gilray&mdash;that if it had not been
+      for a barbel she might not have said "No." He was fishing from the
+      house-boat when he asked the question. You know how you fish from a
+      house-boat. The line is flung into the water and the rod laid down on
+      deck. You keep an eye on it. Barbel-fishing, in fact, reminds one of the
+      independent sort of man who is quite willing to play host to you, but
+      wishes you clearly to understand at the same time that he can do without
+      you. "Glad to see you with us if you have nothing better to do; but please
+      yourself," is what he says to his friends. This is also the form of
+      invitation to barbel. Now it happened that she and Gilray were left alone
+      in the house-boat. It was evening; some Chinese lanterns had been lighted,
+      and Gilray, though you would not think it to look at him, is romantic. He
+      cast his line, and, turning to his companion, asked her the question. From
+      what he has told me he asked it very properly, and all seemed to be going
+      well. She turned away her head (which is said not to be a bad sign) and
+      had begun to reply, when a woful thing happened. The line stiffened, and
+      there was a whirl of the reel. Who can withstand <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page55" name="page55"></a></span> that music? You can ask a
+      question at any time, but, even at Molesey, barbel are only to be got now
+      and then. Gilray rushed to his rod and began playing the fish. He called
+      to his companion to get the landing-net. She did so; and after playing his
+      barbel for ten minutes Gilray landed it. Then he turned to her again, and
+      she said, "No."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gilray sees now that he made a mistake in not departing that night by the
+      last train. He overestimated his strength. However, we had something to do
+      with his staying on, and he persuaded himself that he remained just to
+      show her that she had ruined his life. Once, I believe, he repeated his
+      question; but in reply she only asked him if he had caught any more
+      barbel. Considering the surprisingly fine weather, the barbel-fishing, and
+      the piano on the other boat, Gilray was perhaps as miserable as could
+      reasonably have been expected. Where he ought to have scored best,
+      however, he was most unlucky. She had a hammock swung between two trees,
+      close to the boat, and there she lay, holding a novel in her hand. From
+      the hammock she had a fine view of the deck, and this was Gilray's chance.
+      As soon as he saw her comfortably settled, he pulled a long face and
+      climbed on deck. There he walked up and <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page56" name="page56"></a></span> down, trying to look the
+      image of despair. When she made some remark to him, his plan was to show
+      that, though he answered cordially, his cheerfulness was the result of a
+      terrible inward struggle. He did contrive to accomplish this if he was
+      waiting for her observation; but she sometimes took him unawares, starting
+      a subject in which he was interested. Then, forgetting his character, he
+      would talk eagerly or jest with her across the strip of water, until with
+      a start he remembered what he had become. He would seek to recover himself
+      after that; but of course it was too late to create a really lasting
+      impression. Even when she left him alone, watching him, I fear, over the
+      top of her novel, he disappointed himself. For five minutes or so
+      everything would go well; he looked as dejected as possible; but as he
+      fell he was succeeding he became so self-satisfied that he began to strut.
+      A pleased expression crossed his face, and instead of allowing his head to
+      hang dismally, he put it well back. Sometimes, when we wanted to please
+      him, we said he looked as glum as a mute at a funeral. Even that, however,
+      defeated his object, for it flattered him so much that he smiled with
+      gratification.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gilray made one great sacrifice by giving up <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page57" name="page57"></a></span> smoking, though not indeed
+      such a sacrifice as mine, for up to this time he did not know the Arcadia
+      Mixture. Perhaps the only time he really did look as miserable as he
+      wished was <a name="image-ch07-1" id="image-ch07-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch07-1a.png"
+      style="float: right; width:137px; padding: 0; margin:.5em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;He 'strode away blowing great clouds into the air,'&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch07-1b.png"
+      style="float: right; clear:right; width:200px; padding:0; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;He 'strode away blowing great clouds into the air,'&quot;" />
+      late at night when we men sat up for a second last pipe before turning in.
+      He looked wistfully at us from a corner. Yet as She had gone to rest,
+      cruel fate made this of little account. His gloomy face saddened us too,
+      and we tried to entice him to shame by promising not to mention it to the
+      ladies. He almost yielded, and showed us that while we smoked he had been
+      holding his empty brier in his right hand. For a moment he hesitated, then
+      said fiercely that he did not care for smoking. Next night he was shown a
+      novel, the hero of which had been "refused." Though the lady's
+      hard-heartedness had a terrible effect on this fine fellow, he "strode
+      away blowing great clouds into the air." "Standing there smoking in the
+      moonlight," the authoress says in her next chapter, "De Courcy was a
+      strangely romantic figure. He looked like a man who had done everything,
+      who had been through the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page58" name="page58"></a>
+      </span> furnace and had not come out of it unscathed." This was
+      precisely what Gilray wanted to look like. Again he hesitated, and then
+      put his pipe in his pocket.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was now that I approached him with the Arcadia Mixture. I seldom
+      recommend the Arcadia to men whom I do not know intimately, lest in the
+      after-years I should find them unworthy of it. But just as Aladdin
+      doubtless rubbed his lamp at times for show, there were occasions when I
+      was ostentatiously liberal. If, after trying the Arcadia, the lucky smoker
+      to whom I presented it did not start or seize my hand, or otherwise show
+      that something exquisite had come into his life, I at once forgot his name
+      and his existence. I approached Gilray, then, and without a word handed
+      him my pouch, while the others drew nearer. Nothing was to be heard but
+      the water oozing out and in beneath the house-boat. Gilray pushed the
+      tobacco from him, as he might have pushed a bag of diamonds that he
+      mistook for pebbles. I placed it against his arm, and motioned to the
+      others not to look. Then I sat down beside Gilray, and almost smoked into
+      his eyes. Soon the aroma reached him, and rapture struggled into his face.
+      Slowly his fingers fastened on the pouch. He filled his pipe without
+      knowing <span class="pagenum"><a id="page59" name="page59"></a></span>
+      what he was doing, and I handed him a lighted spill. He took perhaps three
+      puffs, and then gave me a look of reverence that I know well. It only
+      comes to a man once in all its glory&mdash;the first time he tries the
+      Arcadia Mixture&mdash;but it never altogether leaves him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Where do you get it?" Gilray whispered, in hoarse delight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Arcadia had him for its own.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch07-t" id="image-ch07-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch07-t.png" style="width:400px;height:407px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. VII. &quot;The Arcadia had him for its own&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page60" name="page60"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0008" id="h2HCH0008">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch08-h" id="image-ch08-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-ha.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left; width:322px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. VIII. &quot;I let him talk on&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch08-hb.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left; width:150px; padding:0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. VIII. &quot;I let him talk on&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &nbsp;
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER VIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      MARRIOT.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      &nbsp;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have hinted that Marriot was our sentimental member. He was seldom
+      sentimental until after midnight, and then only when he and I were alone.
+      Why he should have chosen me as the pail into which to pour his troubles I
+      cannot say. I let him talk on, and when he had ended I showed him plainly
+      that I had been thinking most of the time about something else. Whether
+      Marriot was entirely a humbug or the most conscientious person on our
+      stair, readers may decide. He was fond of argument if you did not answer
+      him, and often wanted me to tell him if I thought he was in love; if so,
+      why did I think so; if not, why not. What makes me on reflection fancy
+      that he was sincere is that in his statements he would let his pipe go
+      out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course I cannot give his words, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page61"
+      name="page61"></a></span> but he would wait till all my other
+      guests had gone, then softly lock the door, and returning to the cane
+      chair empty himself in some such way as this:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I have something I want to talk to you about. Pass me a spill. Well, it
+      is this. Before I came to your rooms to-night I was cleaning my pipe, when
+      all at once it struck me that I might be in love. This is the kind of
+      shock that pulls a man up and together. My first thought was, if it be
+      love, well and good; I shall go on. As a gentleman I know my duty both to
+      her and to myself. At present, however, I am not certain which she is. In
+      love there are no degrees; of that at least I feel positive. It is a
+      tempestuous, surging passion, or it is nothing. The question for me,
+      therefore, is, Is this the beginning of a tempestuous, surging passion?
+      But stop; does such a passion have a beginning? Should it not be in flood
+      before we know what we are about? I don't want you to answer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "One of my difficulties is that I cannot reason from experience. I cannot
+      say to myself, During the spring of 1886, and again in October, 1888, your
+      breast has known the insurgence of a tempestuous passion. Do you now note
+      the same symptoms? Have you experienced a <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page62" name="page62"></a></span> sudden sinking at the heart,
+      followed by thrills of exultation? Now I cannot even say that my appetite
+      has fallen off, but I am smoking <a name="image-ch08-1" id="image-ch08-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-1.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:59px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> more than ever, and it is notorious that I
+      experience sudden chills and thrills. Is this passion? No, I am not done;
+      I have only begun.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch08-2" id="image-ch08-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-2.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:74px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> "In 'As You Like It,' you remember, the
+      love symptoms are described at length. But is <i>Rosalind</i> to be taken
+      seriously? Besides, though she wore boy's clothes, she had only the
+      woman's point of view. I have consulted Stevenson's chapters on love in
+      his delightful 'Virginibus Puerisque,' and one of them says, 'Certainly,
+      if I could help it, I would never marry a wife who wrote.' Then I noticed
+      a book published after that one, and entitled 'The New Arabian Nights, by
+      Mr. and Mrs. Robert Louis Stevenson.' I shut 'Virginibus Puerisque' with a
+      sigh, and put it away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch08-3" id="image-ch08-3">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-3.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:124px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> "But this inquiry need not, I feel
+      confident, lead to nothing. Negatively I know love; for I do not require
+      to be told what it is not, and I have my ideal. Putting my knowledge <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page63" name="page63"></a></span> together
+      and surveying it dispassionately in the mass, I am inclined to think that
+      this is really love.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch08-4" id="image-ch08-4">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-4.png"
+      style="float:right;width:50px;height:225px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> "I may lay down as Proposition I. that
+      surging, tempestuous passion comes involuntarily. You are heart-whole,
+      when, as it were, the gates of your bosom open, in she sweeps, and the
+      gates close. So far this is a faithful description of my case. Whatever it
+      is, it came without any desire or volition on my part, and it looks as if
+      it meant to stay. What I ask myself is&mdash;first, What is it? secondly,
+      Where is it? thirdly, Who is it? and fourthly, What shall I do with it? I
+      have thus my work cut out for me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What is it? I reply that I am stumped at once, unless I am allowed to <a
+      name="image-ch08-5" id="image-ch08-5">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-5.png"
+      style="float:left;width:200px;height:34px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> fix upon an object definitely and
+      precisely. This, no doubt, is arguing in a circle; but Descartes himself
+      assumed what he was to try to prove. This, then, being permitted, I have
+      chosen my object, and we can now go on again. What is it? Some might <a
+      name="image-ch08-6" id="image-ch08-6">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-6.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:55px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> evade the difficulty by taking a middle
+      course. You are not, they might say, in love <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page64" name="page64"></a></span> as yet, but you are on the
+      brink of it. The lady is no idol to you at present, but neither is she
+      indifferent. You would not walk four miles in wet weather to get a rose
+      from her; but if she did present you with a rose, you would not wittingly
+      drop it down an area. In short, you have all but lost your heart. To this
+      I reply simply, love is not a process, it is an event. You may
+      unconsciously be on the brink of it, when all at once the ground gives way
+      beneath you, and in you go. The difference between love and not-love, if I
+      may be allowed the word, being so wide, my inquiry should produce decisive
+      results. On the whole, therefore, and in the absence of direct proof to
+      the contrary, I believe that the passion of love does possess me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch08-7" id="image-ch08-7">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch08-7.png" style="width:400px;height:152px;"
+      alt="Tray of pipes and cigars" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      "Where is it? This is the simplest question of the four. It is in the
+      heart. It fills the heart to overflowing, so that if there were one drop
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page65" name="page65"></a></span> more
+      the heart would run over. Love is thus plainly a liquid: which accounts to
+      some extent for its well-recognized habit of surging. Among its effects
+      this may be noted: that it makes you miserable if you be not by the loved
+      one's side. To hold her hand is ecstasy, to press it, rapture. The fond
+      lover&mdash;as it might be myself&mdash;sees his beloved depart on a
+      railway journey with apprehension. He never ceases to remember that
+      engines burst and trains run off the line. In an agony he awaits the
+      telegram that tells him she has reached Shepherd's Bush in safety. When he
+      sees her talking, as if she liked it, to another man, he is torn, he is
+      rent asunder, he is dismembered by jealousy. He walks beneath her window
+      till the policeman sees him home; and when he wakes in the morning, it is
+      to murmur her name to himself until he falls asleep again and is late for
+      the office. Well, do I experience such sensations, or do I not? Is this
+      love, after all? Where are the spills?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I have been taking for granted that I know who it is. But is this wise?
+      Nothing puzzles me so much as the way some men seem to know, by intuition,
+      as it were, which is the woman for whom they have a passion. They take a
+      girl from among their acquaintance, and never seem to understand that they
+      may be taking <span class="pagenum"><a id="page66" name="page66"></a>
+      </span> the wrong one. However, with certain reservations, I do not
+      think I go too far in saying that I know who she is. There is one other,
+      indeed, that I have sometimes thought&mdash;but it fortunately happens
+      that they are related, so that in any case I cannot go far wrong. After I
+      have seen them again, or at least before I propose, I shall decide
+      definitely on this point.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "We have now advanced as far as Query IV. Now, what is to be done? Let us
+      consider this calmly. In the first place, have I any option in the matter,
+      or is love a hurricane that carries one hither and thither as a bottle is
+      tossed in a chopping sea? I reply that it all depends on myself. Rosalind
+      would say no; that we are without control over love. But Rosalind was a
+      woman. It is probably true that a woman cannot conquer love. Man, being
+      her ideal in the abstract, is irresistible to her in the concrete. But
+      man, being an intellectual creature, can make a magnificent effort and
+      cast love out. Should I think it advisable, I do not question my ability
+      to open the gates of my heart and bid her go. That would be a serious
+      thing for her; and, as man is powerful, so, I think, should he be
+      merciful. She has, no doubt, gained admittance, as it were, furtively; but
+      can I, as a gentleman, send away a weak, confiding woman who loves me
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page67" name="page67"></a></span>
+      simply because she cannot help it? Nay, more, in a pathetic case of this
+      kind, have I not a certain responsibility? Does not her attachment to me
+      give her a claim upon me? She saw me, and love came to her. She looks upon
+      me as the noblest and best of my sex. I do not say I am; it may be that I
+      am not. But I have the child's happiness in my hands; can I trample it
+      beneath my feet? It seems to be my plain duty to take her to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But there are others to consider. For me, would it not be the better part
+      to show her that the greatest happiness of the greatest number should be
+      my first consideration? Certainly there is nothing in a man I despise more
+      than conceit in affairs of this sort. When I hear one of my sex boasting
+      of his 'conquests,' I turn from him in disgust. 'Conquest' implies effort;
+      and to lay one's self out for victories over the other sex always reminds
+      me of pigeon-shooting. On the other hand, we must make allowances for our
+      position of advantage. These little ones come into contact with us; they
+      see us, athletic, beautiful, in the hunting-field or at the wicket; they
+      sit beside us at dinner and listen to our brilliant conversation. They
+      have met us, and the mischief is done. Every man&mdash;except, perhaps,
+      yourself and Jimmy&mdash;knows <span class="pagenum"><a id="page68"
+      name="page68"></a></span> the names of a few dear girls who have
+      lost their hearts to him&mdash;some more, some less. I do not pretend to
+      be in a different position from my neighbors, or in a better one. To some
+      <a name="image-ch08-8" id="image-ch08-8">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-8.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:273px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;I would ... light him to his sleeping-chamber with a spill&quot;" />
+      slight extent I may be to blame. But, after all, when a man sees cheeks
+      redden and eyes brighten at his approach, he loses prudence. At the time
+      he does not think what may be the consequences. But the day comes when he
+      sees that he must take heed what he is about. He communes with himself
+      about the future, and if he be a man of honor he maps out in his mind the
+      several courses it is allowed him to follow, and chooses that one which he
+      may tread with least pain to others. May that day for introspection come
+      to few as it has <span class="pagenum"><a id="page69" name="page69"></a>
+      </span> come to me. Love is, indeed, a madness in the brain.
+      Good-night."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he finished I would wake up, open the door for Marriot, and light him
+      to his sleeping-chamber with a spill.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch08-t" id="image-ch08-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch08-t.png" style="width:400px;height:102px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. VIII." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page70" name="page70"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0009" id="h2HCH0009">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch09-h" id="image-ch09-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch09-h.png" style="width:400px;height:260px;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. IX. &quot;The stem was a long cherry-wood&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER IX.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      JIMMY.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      With the exception of myself, Jimmy Moggridge was no doubt the most silent
+      of the company that met so frequently in my rooms. Just as Marriot's
+      eyebrows rose if the cane chair was not empty when he strode in, Jimmy
+      held that he had a right to the hearth-rug, on which he loved to lie
+      prone, his back turned to the company and his eyes on his pipe. The stem
+      was a long cherry-wood, but the bowl was meerschaum, and Jimmy, as he
+      smoked, lay on the alert, as it were, to see the meerschaum coloring.
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page71" name="page71"></a></span> So
+      one may strain his eyes with intent eagerness until he can catch the
+      hour-hand of a watch in action. With tobacco in his pocket Jimmy could
+      refill his pipe without moving, <a name="image-ch09-1" id="image-ch09-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch09-1.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:262px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;In time ... the Arcadia Mixture made him more and more like the rest of us&quot;" />
+      but sometimes he crawled along the hearth-rug to let the fire-light play
+      more exquisitely on his meerschaum bowl. In time, of course, the Arcadia
+      Mixture made him more and more like the rest of us, but he retained his
+      individuality until he let his bowl fall off. Otherwise he only differed
+      from us in one way. When he saw a match-box he always extracted a few
+      matches and put them dreamily into his pocket. There were times when, with
+      a sharp blow on Jimmy's person, we could doubtless have had him blazing
+      like a chandelier.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jimmy was a barrister&mdash;though this is scarcely worth mentioning&mdash;and
+      it had been known to us for years that he made a living by <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page72" name="page72"></a></span>
+      contributing to the <i>Saturday Review</i>. How the secret leaked out I
+      cannot say with certainty. Jimmy never forced it upon us, and I cannot
+      remember any paragraphs in the London correspondence of the provincial
+      papers coupling his name with <i>Saturday</i> articles. On the other hand,
+      I distinctly recall having to wait one day in his chambers while Jimmy was
+      shaving, and noticing accidentally a long, bulky envelope on his table,
+      with the <i>Saturday Review's</i> mystic crest on it. It was addressed to
+      Jimmy, and contained, I concluded, a bundle of proofs. That was so long
+      ago as 1885. If further evidence is required, there is the undoubted fact,
+      to which several of us could take oath, that, at Oxford, Jimmy was
+      notorious for his sarcastic pen&mdash;nearly being sent down, indeed, for
+      the same. Again, there was the certainty that for years Jimmy had been
+      engaged upon literary work of some kind. We had been with him buying the
+      largest-sized scribbling paper in the market; we had heard him muttering
+      to himself as if in pain: and we had seen him correcting proof-sheets.
+      When we caught him at them he always thrust the proofs into a drawer which
+      he locked by putting his leg on it&mdash;for the ordinary lock was broken&mdash;and
+      remaining in that position till we had retired. Though he rather <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page73" name="page73"></a></span> shunned
+      the subject as a rule, he admitted to us that the work was journalism and
+      not a sarcastic history of the nineteenth century, on which we felt he
+      would come out strong. Lastly, Jimmy had lost the brightness of his youth,
+      and was become silent and moody, which is well known to be the result of
+      writing satire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Were it not so notorious that the thousands who write regularly for the <i>Saturday</i>
+      have reasons of their own for keeping it dark and merely admitting the
+      impeachment with a nod or smile, we might have marvelled at Jimmy's
+      reticence. There were, however, moments when he thawed so far as
+      practically to allow, and every one knows what that means, that the <i>Saturday</i>
+      was his chief source of income. "Only," he would add, "should you be
+      acquainted with the editor, don't mention my contributions to him." From
+      this we saw that Jimmy and the editor had an understanding on the subject,
+      though we were never agreed which of them it was who had sworn the other
+      to secrecy. We were proud of Jimmy's connection with the press, and every
+      week we discussed his latest article. Jimmy never told us, except in a
+      roundabout way, which were his articles; but we knew his style, and it was
+      quite exhilarating to pick out his contributions week by week. We were
+      never baffled, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page74" name="page74"></a>
+      </span> <a name="image-ch09-2" id="image-ch09-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch09-2.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:470px;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em; padding: 0;"
+      alt="&quot;A score of smaller letters were tumbling about my feet&quot;" />
+      for "Jimmy's touches" were unmistakable; and "Have you seen Jimmy this
+      week in the <i>Saturday</i> on Lewis Morris?" or, "I say, do you think
+      Buchanan knows it was Jimmy who wrote that?" was what we said when we had
+      lighted our pipes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now I come to the incident that drew from Jimmy his extraordinary
+      statement. I was smoking with him in his rooms one evening, when a clatter
+      at his door was followed by a thud on the floor. I knew as well as Jimmy
+      what had happened. In his pre-<i>Saturday</i> days he had no letter-box,
+      only a slit in the door; and through this we used to denounce him on
+      certain occasions when we called and he would not let us in. Lately,
+      however, he had fitted up a letter-box himself, which kept together if you
+      opened the door gently, but came clattering to the floor under <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page75" name="page75"></a></span> the weight
+      of heavy letters. The letter to which it had succumbed this evening was
+      quite a package, and could even have been used as a missile. Jimmy
+      snatched it up quickly, evidently knowing the contents by their bulk; and
+      I was just saying to myself, "More proofs from the <i>Saturday</i>," when
+      the letter burst at the bottom, and in a moment a score of smaller letters
+      were tumbling about my feet. In vain did Jimmy entreat me to let him
+      gather them up. I helped, and saw, to my bewilderment, that all the
+      letters were addressed in childish hands to "Uncle Jim, care of Editor of
+      <i>Mothers Pets</i>." It was impossible that Jimmy could have so many
+      nephews and nieces.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Seeing that I had him, Jimmy advanced to the hearth-rug as if about to
+      make his statement; then changed his mind and, thrusting a dozen of the
+      letters into my hands, invited me to read. The first letter ran: "Dearest
+      Uncle Jim,&mdash;I must tell you about my canary. I love my canary very
+      much. It is a yellow canary, and it sings so sweetly. I keep it in a cage,
+      and it is so tame. Mamma and me wishes you would come and see us and our
+      canary. Dear Uncle Jim, I love you.&mdash;Your little friend, Milly (aged
+      four years)." Here is the second: "Dear Uncle Jim,&mdash;You will want to
+      know <span class="pagenum"><a id="page76" name="page76"></a></span>
+      about my blackbird. It sits in a tree and picks up the crumbs on the
+      window, and Thomas wants to shoot it for eating the cherries; but I won't
+      let Thomas shoot it, for it is a nice blackbird, and I have wrote all this
+      myself.&mdash;Your loving little Bobby (aged five years)." In another,
+      Jacky (aged four and a half) described his parrot, and I have also vague
+      recollections of Harry (aged six) on his chaffinch, and Archie (five) on
+      his linnet. "What does it mean?" I demanded of Jimmy, who, while I read,
+      had been smoking savagely. "Don't you see that they are in for the prize?"
+      he growled. Then he made his statement.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I have never," Jimmy said, "contributed to the <i>Saturday</i>, nor,
+      indeed, to any well-known paper. That, however, was only because the
+      editors would not meet me half-way. After many disappointments, fortune&mdash;whether
+      good or bad I cannot say&mdash;introduced me to the editor of <i>Mothers
+      Pets</i>, a weekly journal whose title sufficiently suggests its
+      character. Though you may never have heard of it, <i>Mothers Pets</i> has
+      a wide circulation and is a great property. I was asked to join the staff
+      under the name of 'Uncle Jim,' and did not see my way to refuse. I
+      inaugurated a new feature. Mothers' pets were cordially invited to
+      correspond with me on <span class="pagenum"><a id="page77" name="page77"></a>
+      </span> topics to be suggested week by week, and prizes were to be
+      given for the best letters. This feature has been an enormous success, and
+      I get the most affectionate letters from mothers, consulting me about
+      teething and the like, every week. They say that I am dearer to their
+      children than most real uncles, and they often urge me to go and stay with
+      them. There are lots of kisses awaiting me. I also get similar invitations
+      from the little beasts themselves. Pass the Arcadia."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch09-t" id="image-ch09-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch09-t.png" style="width:400px;height:555px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. IX. &quot;Mothers' pets&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <!--  <hr class="full" /> -->
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page78" name="page78"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0010" id="h2HCH0010">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch10-h" id="image-ch10-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch10-h.png" style="width:400px;height:537px;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. X. &quot;Scrymgeour was an artist&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER X.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      SCRYMGEOUR.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Scrymgeour was an artist and a man of means, so proud of his profession
+      that he gave all his pictures fancy prices, and so wealthy that he could
+      have bought them. To him I went when I wanted money&mdash;though it must
+      not be thought that I borrowed. In the days of the Arcadia Mixture I had
+      no bank account. As <span class="pagenum"><a id="page79" name="page79"></a>
+      </span> my checks dribbled in I stuffed them into a torn leather case
+      that was kept together by a piece of twine, and when Want tapped at my
+      chamber door, I drew out the check that seemed most willing to come, and
+      exchanged with Scrymgeour. In his detestation of argument Scrymgeour
+      resembled myself, but otherwise we differed as much as men may differ who
+      smoke the Arcadia. He read little, yet surprised us by a smattering of
+      knowledge about all important books that had been out for a few months,
+      until we discovered that he got his information from a friend in India. He
+      had also, I remember, a romantic notion that Africa might be civilized by
+      the Arcadia Mixture. As I shall explain presently, his devotion to the
+      Arcadia very nearly married him against his will; but first I must
+      describe his boudoir.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We always called it Scrymgeour's boudoir after it had ceased to deserve
+      the censure, just as we called Moggridge Jimmy because he was Jimmy to
+      some of us as a boy. Scrymgeour deserted his fine rooms in Bayswater for
+      the inn some months after the Arcadia Mixture had reconstructed him, but
+      his chambers were the best on our stair, and with the help of a workman
+      from the Japanese Village he converted them into an Oriental dream. Our
+      housekeeper <span class="pagenum"><a id="page80" name="page80"></a></span>
+      thought little of the rest of us while the boudoir was there to be gazed
+      at, and even William John would not spill the coffee in it. When the
+      boudoir was ready for inspection, Scrymgeour led me to it, and as the door
+      opened I suddenly remembered that my boots were muddy. The ceiling was a
+      great Japanese Christmas card representing the heavens; heavy clouds
+      floated round a pale moon, and with the dusk the stars came out. The
+      walls, instead of being papered, were hung with a soft Japanese cloth, and
+      fantastic figures frolicked round a fireplace that held a bamboo fan.
+      There was no mantelpiece. The room was very small; but when you wanted a
+      blue velvet desk to write on, you had only to press a spring against the
+      wall; and if you leaned upon the desk the Japanese workmen were ready to
+      make you a new one. There were springs everywhere, shaped like birds and
+      mice and butterflies; and when you touched one of them something was sure
+      to come out. Blood-colored curtains separated the room from the alcove
+      where Scrymgeour was to rest by night, and his bed became a bath by simply
+      turning it upside down. On one side of the bed was a wine-bin, with a
+      ladder running up to it. The door of the sitting-room was a symphony in
+      gray, with shadowy reptiles crawling across the <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page81" name="page81"></a></span> panels; and the floor&mdash;dark,
+      mysterious&mdash;presented a fanciful picture of the infernal regions.
+      Scrymgeour said hopefully that the place would look cozier after he had
+      his pictures in it; but he stopped me when I began to fill my pipe. <a
+      name="image-ch10-1" id="image-ch10-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch10-1.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:337px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;With shadowy reptiles crawling across the panels&quot;" /> He
+      believed, he said, that smoking was not a Japanese custom; and there was
+      no use taking Japanese chambers unless you lived up to them. Here was a
+      revelation. Scrymgeour proposed to live his life in harmony with these
+      rooms. I felt too sad at heart to say much to him then, but, promising to
+      look in again soon, I shook hands with my unhappy friend and went away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It happened, however, that Scrymgeour had been several times in my rooms
+      before I was able to visit him again. My hand was on his door-bell when I
+      noticed a figure I thought I knew lounging at the foot of the stair. It
+      was Scrymgeour <span class="pagenum"><a id="page82" name="page82"></a>
+      </span> himself, and he was smoking the Arcadia. We greeted each other
+      languidly on the doorstep, Scrymgeour assuring me that "Japan in London"
+      was a grand idea. It gave a zest to life, banishing the poor, weary
+      conventionalities of one's surroundings. This was said while we still
+      stood at the door, and I began to wonder why Scrymgeour did not enter his
+      rooms. "A beautiful night," he said, rapturously. A cruel east wind was
+      blowing. He insisted that evening was the time for thinking, and that east
+      winds brace you up. Would I have a cigar? I would if he asked me inside to
+      smoke it. My friend sighed. "I thought I told you," he said, "that I don't
+      smoke in my chambers. It isn't the thing." Then he explained,
+      hesitatingly, that he hadn't given up smoking. "I come down here," he
+      said, "with my pipe, and walk up and down. I assure you it is quite a new
+      sensation, and I much prefer it to lolling in an easy-chair." The poor
+      fellow shivered as he spoke, and I noticed that his great-coat was tightly
+      buttoned up to the throat. He had a hacking cough and his teeth were
+      chattering. "Let us go in," I said; "I don't want to smoke." He knocked
+      the ashes out of his pipe, and opened his door with an affectation of
+      gayety.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The room looked somewhat more home-like <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page83" name="page83"></a></span> now, but it was very cold.
+      Scrymgeour had no fire yet. He had been told that the smoke would blacken
+      his moon. Besides, I question if he would have dared to remove the fan
+      from the fireplace without consulting a Japanese authority. He did not
+      even know whether the Japanese burned coal. I missed a number of the
+      articles of furniture that had graced his former rooms. The easels were
+      gone; there were none of the old canvases standing against the wall, and
+      he had exchanged his comfortable, plain old screen for one with lizards
+      crawling over it. "It would never have done," he explained, "to spoil the
+      room with English things, so I got in some more Japanese furniture."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I asked him if he had sold his canvases; whereupon he signed me to follow
+      him to the wine-bin. It was full of them. There were no newspapers lying
+      about; but Scrymgeour hoped to manage to take one in by and by. He was
+      only feeling his way at present, he said. In the dim light shed by a
+      Japanese lamp, I tripped over a rainbow-colored slipper that tapered to
+      the heel and turned up at the toe. "I wonder you can get into these
+      things," I whispered, for the place depressed me; and he answered, with
+      similar caution, that he couldn't. "I keep them lying about," he said,
+      confidentially; "but after <span class="pagenum"><a id="page84"
+      name="page84"></a></span> I think nobody is likely to call I put on
+      an old pair of English ones." At this point the housekeeper knocked at the
+      door, and Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat into a Japanese dressing-gown
+      before he cried "Come in!" As I left I <a name="image-ch10-2"
+      id="image-ch10-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch10-2.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:386px;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em; padding: 0;"
+      alt="&quot;Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat into a Japanese dressing-gown&quot;" />
+      asked him how he felt now, and he said that he had never been so happy in
+      his life. But his hand was hot, and he did not look me in the face.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nearly a month elapsed before I looked in again. The unfortunate man had
+      now a Japanese rug over his legs to keep out the cold, and he was gazing
+      dejectedly at an outlandish mess which he called his lunch. He insisted
+      that it was not at all bad; but it had evidently been on the table some
+      time when I called, and he had not even tasted it. He ordered coffee for
+      my benefit, but I do not care for coffee that has salt in it instead of
+      sugar. I said that I had merely looked in to ask him to an early dinner at
+      the club, and it was touching to see how he <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page85" name="page85"></a></span> grasped at the idea. So
+      complete, however, was his subjection to that terrible housekeeper, who
+      believed in his fad, that he dared not send back her dishes untasted. As a
+      compromise I suggested that he could wrap up some of the stuff in paper
+      and drop it quietly into the gutter. We sallied forth, and I found him so
+      weak that he had to be assisted into a hansom. He still maintained,
+      however, that Japanese chambers were worth making some sacrifice for; and
+      when the other Arcadians saw his condition they had the delicacy not to
+      contradict him. They thought it was consumption.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If we had not taken Scrymgeour in hand I dare not think what his craze
+      might have reduced him to. A friend asked him into the country for ten
+      days, and of course he was glad to go. As it happened, my chambers were
+      being repapered at the time, and Scrymgeour gave me permission to occupy
+      his rooms until his return. The other Arcadians agreed to meet me there
+      nightly, and they were indefatigable in their efforts to put the boudoir
+      to rights. Jimmy wrote letters to editors, of a most cutting nature, on
+      the moon, breaking the table as he stepped on and off it, and we gave the
+      butterflies to William John. The reptiles had to crawl off the door, and
+      we made pipe-lights of the Japanese <span class="pagenum"><a id="page86"
+      name="page86"></a></span> fans. Marriot shot the candles at the
+      mice and birds; and Gilray, by improvising an entertainment behind the
+      blood-red curtains, contrived to give them the dilapidated appearance
+      without which there is no real comfort. In short, the boudoir soon assumed
+      such a homely aspect that Scrymgeour on his return did not recognize it.
+      When he realized where he was he lighted up at once.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch10-t" id="image-ch10-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch10-t.png" style="width:400px;height:385px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. X." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page87" name="page87"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0011" id="h2HCH0011">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      <a name="image-ch11-h" id="image-ch11-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch11-h.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:347px;padding: 0; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XI. &quot;His wife's cigars&quot;" /> CHAPTER XI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      HIS WIFE'S CIGARS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Though Pettigrew, who is a much more successful journalist than Jimmy,
+      says pointedly of his wife that she encourages his smoking instead of
+      putting an end to it, I happen to know that he has cupboard skeletons.
+      Pettigrew has been married for years, and frequently boasted of his wife's
+      interest in smoking, until one night an accident revealed the true state
+      of matters to me. Late in the night, when traffic is hushed and the river
+      has at last a chance of making itself heard, Pettigrew's window opens
+      cautiously, and he casts something wrapped in newspaper into the night.
+      The window is then softly closed, and all is again quiet. At other times
+      Pettigrew steals along the curb-stone, dropping his skeletons one by one.
+      Nevertheless, his cupboard beneath the bookcase is <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page88" name="page88"></a></span> <a name="image-ch11-1"
+      id="image-ch11-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch11-1.png"
+      style="float:left;width:150px;height:729px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;A packet of Celebros alighted on my head&quot;" /> so crammed
+      that he dreams the lock has given way. The key is always in his pocket,
+      yet when his children approach the cupboard he orders them away, so
+      fearful is he of something happening. When his wife has retired he
+      sometimes unlocks the cupboard with nervous hand, when the door bursts
+      gladly open, and the things roll on to the carpet. They are the cigars his
+      wife gives him as birthday presents, on the anniversary of his marriage,
+      and at other times, and such a model wife is she that he would do anything
+      for her except smoke them. They are Celebros, Regalia Rothschilds, twelve
+      and six the hundred. I discovered Pettigrew's secret one night, when, as I
+      was passing his house, a packet of Celebros alighted on my head. I
+      demanded an explanation, and I got it on the promise that I would not
+      mention the matter to the other Arcadians.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Several years having elapsed," said Pettigrew, "since I pretended <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page89" name="page89"></a></span> to smoke
+      and enjoy my first Celebro, I could not now undeceive my wife&mdash;it
+      would be such a blow to her. At the time it could have been done easily.
+      She began by making trial of a few. There were seven of them in an
+      envelope; and I knew at once that she had got them for a shilling. She had
+      heard me saying that eightpence is a sad price to pay for a cigar&mdash;I
+      prefer them at tenpence&mdash;and a few days afterward she produced her
+      first Celebros. Each of them had, and has, a gold ribbon round it, bearing
+      the legend, 'Non plus ultra.' She was shy and timid at that time, and I
+      thought it very brave of her to go into the shop herself and ask for the
+      Celebros, as advertised; so I thanked her warmly. When she saw me slipping
+      them into my pocket she looked disappointed, and said that she would like
+      to see me smoking one. My reply would have been that I never cared to
+      smoke in the open air, if she had not often seen me do so. Besides, I
+      wanted to please her very much; and if what I did was weak I have been
+      severely punished for it. The pocket into which I had thrust the Celebros
+      also contained my cigar-case; and with my hand in the pocket I covertly
+      felt for a Villar y Villar and squeezed it into the envelope. This I then
+      drew forth, took out the cigar, as distinguished <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page90" name="page90"></a></span> from the Celebros, and smoked
+      it with unfeigned content. My wife watched me eagerly, asking six or eight
+      times how I liked it. From the way she talked of fine rich bouquet and
+      nutty flavor I gathered that she had been in conversation <a
+      name="image-ch11-2" id="image-ch11-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch11-2.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:467px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding: 0;"
+      alt="&quot;I told her the cigars were excellent&quot;" /> with the
+      tobacconist, and I told her the cigars were excellent. Yes, they were as
+      choice a brand as I had ever smoked. She clapped her hands joyously at
+      that, and said that if she had not made up her mind never to do so she
+      would tell me what they cost. Next she asked me to guess the price; I
+      answered eighty shillings a hundred; and then she confessed that she got
+      the seven for a shilling. On our way home she made arch remarks about men
+      who judged cigars simply by their price. I laughed gayly in reply, begging
+      her not to be too hard on me; and I did not even feel uneasy when she
+      remarked that of course I would never buy those horridly expensive Villar
+      y Villars again. When I left her I gave the Celebros to an acquaintance
+      against whom I had long had a grudge&mdash;we have not spoken since&mdash;but
+      I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page91" name="page91"></a></span>
+      preserved the envelope as a pretty keepsake. This, you see, happened
+      shortly before our marriage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I have had a consignment of Celebros every month or two since then, and,
+      dispose of them quietly as I may, they are accumulating in the cupboard. I
+      despise myself; but my guile was kindly meant at first, and every
+      thoughtful man will see the difficulties in the way of a confession now.
+      Who can say what might happen if I were to fling that cupboard door open
+      in presence of my wife? I smoke less than I used to do; for if I were to
+      buy my cigars by the box I could not get them smuggled into the house.
+      Besides, she would know&mdash;I don't say how, I merely make the statement&mdash;that
+      I had been buying cigars. So I get half a dozen at a time. Perhaps you
+      will sympathize with me when I say that I have had to abandon my favorite
+      brand. I cannot get Villar y Villars that look like Celebros, and my wife
+      is quicker in those matters than she used to be. One day, for instance,
+      she noticed that the cigars in my case had not the gold ribbon round them,
+      and I almost fancied she became suspicious. I explained that the ribbon
+      was perhaps a little ostentatious; but she said it was an intimation of
+      nutty flavor: and now I take ribbons off the <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page92" name="page92"></a></span> Celebros and put them on the
+      other cigars. The boxes in which the Celebros arrive have a picturesque
+      design on the lid and a good deal of lace frilling round the edge, and she
+      likes to have a box lying about. The top layer of that box is cigars in
+      gold ribbons, placed there by myself, and underneath are the Celebros. I
+      never get down to the Celebros.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "For a long time my secret was locked in my breast as carefully as I shall
+      lock my next week's gift away in the cupboard, if I can find room for it;
+      but a few of my most intimate friends have an inkling of it now. When my
+      friends drop in I am compelled to push the Celebro box toward them, and if
+      they would simply take a cigar and ask no questions all would be well;
+      for, as I have said, there are cigars on the top. But they spoil everything
+      by remarking that they have not seen the brand before. Should my wife not
+      be present this is immaterial, for I have long had a reputation of keeping
+      good cigars. Then I merely remark that it is a new brand; and they smoke,
+      probably observing that it reminds them of a Cabana, which is natural,
+      seeing that it is a Cabana in disguise. If my wife is present, however,
+      she comes forward smiling, and remarks, with a fond look in my direction,
+      that they are her birthday present to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page93"
+      name="page93"></a></span> her Jack. Then they start back and say
+      they always smoke a pipe. These Celebros were making me a bad name among
+      my friends, so I have given a few of them to understand&mdash;I don't care
+      to put it more plainly&mdash;that if they will take a cigar from the top
+      layer they will find it all right. One of them, however, has a personal
+      ill-will to me because my wife told his wife that I preferred Celebro
+      cigars at twelve and six a hundred to any other. Now he is expected to
+      smoke the same; and he takes his revenge by ostentatiously offering me a
+      Celebro when I call on him."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch11-t" id="image-ch11-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch11-t.png" style="width: 400px; height: 719px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XI." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page94" name="page94"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0012" id="h2HCH0012">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch12-h" id="image-ch12-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch12-h.png" style="width:400px;height:341px;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XII. &quot;Gilray's flower-pot&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      GILRAY'S FLOWER-POT.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I charge Gilray's unreasonableness to his ignoble passion for cigarettes;
+      and the story of his flower-pot has therefore an obvious moral. The want
+      of dignity he displayed about that flower-pot, on his return to London,
+      would have made any one sorry for him. I had my own work to look after,
+      and really could not be tending his chrysanthemum all day. After he came
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page95" name="page95"></a></span>
+      back, however, there was no reasoning with him, and I admit that I never
+      did water his plant, though always intending to do so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The great mistake was in not leaving the flower-pot in charge of William
+      John. No doubt I readily promised to attend to it, but Gilray deceived me
+      by speaking as if the watering of a plant was the merest pastime. He had
+      to leave London for a short provincial tour, and, as I see now, took
+      advantage of my good nature.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As Gilray had owned his flower-pot for several months, during which time
+      (I take him at his word) he had watered it daily, he must have known he
+      was misleading me. He said that you got into the way of watering a
+      flower-pot regularly just as you wind up your watch. That certainly is not
+      the case. I always wind up my watch, and I never watered the flower-pot.
+      Of course, if I had been living in Gilray's rooms with the thing always
+      before my eyes I might have done so. I proposed to take it into my
+      chambers at the time, but he would not hear of that. Why? How Gilray came
+      by this chrysanthemum I do not inquire; but whether, in the circumstances,
+      he should not have made a clean breast of it to me is another matter.
+      Undoubtedly it was an unusual thing to put a man to <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page96" name="page96"></a></span> the trouble of watering a
+      chrysanthemum daily without giving him its history. My own belief has
+      always been that he got it in exchange for a pair of boots and his old
+      dressing-gown. He hints that it was a present; but, as one who knows him
+      well, I may say that he is the last person a lady would be likely to give
+      a chrysanthemum to. Besides, if he was so proud of the plant he should
+      have stayed at home and watered it himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He says that I never meant to water it, which is not only a mistake, but
+      unkind. My plan was to run downstairs immediately after dinner every
+      evening and give it a thorough watering. One thing or another, however,
+      came in the way. I often remembered about the chrysanthemum while I was in
+      the office; but even Gilray could hardly have expected me to ask leave of
+      absence merely to run home and water his plant. You must draw the line
+      somewhere, even in a government office. When I reached home I was tired,
+      inclined to take things easily, and not at all in a proper condition for
+      watering flower-pots. Then Arcadians would drop in. I put it to any
+      sensible man or woman, could I have been expected to give up my friends
+      for the sake of a chrysanthemum? Again, it was my custom of an evening, if
+      not disturbed, <a name="image-ch12-1" id="image-ch12-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch12-1a.png"
+      style="width:400px:height:244px;float:right;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Then Arcadians would drop in&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch12-1b.png"
+      style="width:281px:height:50px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Then Arcadians would drop in&quot;" /> <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page97" name="page97"></a></span> to retire with my pipe into
+      my cane chair, and there pass the hours communing with great minds, or,
+      when the mood was on me, trifling with a novel. Often when I was in the
+      middle of a chapter Gilray's flower-pot stood up before my eyes crying for
+      water. He does not believe this, but it is the solemn truth. At those
+      moments it was touch and go, whether I watered his chrysanthemum or not.
+      Where I lost myself was in not hurrying to his rooms at once with a
+      tumbler. I said to myself that I would go when I had finished my pipe, but
+      by that time the flower-pot had escaped my memory. This may have been
+      weakness; all I know is that I should have saved myself much annoyance
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page98" name="page98"></a></span> if I
+      had risen and watered the chrysanthemum there and then. But would it not
+      have been rather hard on me to have had to forsake my books for the sake
+      of Gilray's flowers and flower-pots and plants and things? What right has
+      a man to go and make a garden of his chambers?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All the three weeks he was away, Gilray kept pestering me with letters
+      about his chrysanthemum. He seemed to have no faith in me&mdash;a
+      detestable thing in a man who calls himself your friend. I had promised to
+      water his flower-pot; and between friends a promise is surely sufficient.
+      It is not so, however, when Gilray is one of them. I soon hated the sight
+      of my name in his handwriting. It was not as if he had said outright that
+      he wrote entirely to know whether I was watering his plant. His references
+      to it were introduced with all the appearance of afterthoughts. Often they
+      took the form of postscripts: "By the way, are you watering my
+      chrysanthemum?" or, "The chrysanthemum ought to be a beauty by this time;"
+      or, "You must be quite an adept now at watering plants." Gilray declares
+      now that, in answer to one of these ingenious epistles, I wrote to him
+      saying that "I had just been watering his chrysanthemum." My belief is
+      that I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page99" name="page99"></a></span>
+      did no such thing; or, if I did, I meant to water it as soon as I had
+      finished my letter. He has never been able to bring this home to me, he
+      says, because he burned my correspondence. As if a business man would
+      destroy such a letter. <a name="image-ch12-2" id="image-ch12-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <span class="figcenter" style="display:block;"> <img
+      src="images/ch12-2.png" style="width:400px;height:481px;"
+      alt="&quot;I wrote to him&quot;" /> </span> It was yet more annoying when
+      Gilray took to post-cards. To hear the postman's knock and then discover,
+      when you are expecting an important communication, that it is only a
+      post-card about a flower-pot&mdash;that is really <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page100" name="page100"></a></span> too bad. And then I
+      consider that some of the post-cards bordered upon insult. One of them
+      said, "What about chrysanthemum?&mdash;reply at once." This was just like
+      Gilray's overbearing way; but I answered politely, and so far as I knew,
+      truthfully, "Chrysanthemum all right."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Knowing that there was no explaining things to Gilray, I redoubled my
+      exertions to water his flower-pot as the day for his return drew near.
+      Once, indeed, when I rang for water, I could not for the life of me
+      remember what I wanted it for when it was brought. Had I had any
+      forethought I should have left the tumbler stand just as it was to show it
+      to Gilray on his return. But, unfortunately, William John had
+      misunderstood what I wanted the water for, and put a decanter down beside
+      it. Another time I was actually on the stair rushing to Gilray's door,
+      when I met the housekeeper, and, stopping to talk to her, lost my
+      opportunity again. To show how honestly anxious I was to fulfil my
+      promise, I need only add that I was several times awakened in the watches
+      of the night by a haunting consciousness that I had forgotten to water
+      Gilray's flower-pot. On these occasions I spared no trouble to remember
+      again in the morning. I reached out of bed to a chair and turned it upside
+      down, so that the sight of it when I rose <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page101" name="page101"></a></span> might remind me that I had
+      something to do. With the same object I crossed the tongs and poker on the
+      floor. Gilray maintains that instead of playing "fool's tricks" like these
+      ("fool's tricks!") I should have got up and gone at once to his rooms with
+      my water-bottle. What? and disturbed my neighbors? Besides, could I
+      reasonably be expected to risk catching my death of cold for the sake of a
+      wretched chrysanthemum? One reads of men doing such things for young
+      ladies who seek lilies in dangerous ponds or edelweiss on overhanging
+      cliffs. But Gilray was not my sweetheart, nor, I feel certain, any other
+      person's.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I come now to the day prior to Gilray's return. I had just reached the
+      office when I remembered about the chrysanthemum. It was my last chance.
+      If I watered it once I should be in a position to state that, whatever
+      condition it might be in, I had certainly been watering it. I jumped into
+      a hansom, told the cabby to drive to the inn, and twenty minutes afterward
+      had one hand on Gilray's door, while the other held the largest water-can
+      in the house. Opening the door I rushed in. The can nearly fell from my
+      hand. There was no flower-pot! I rang the bell. "Mr. Gilray's
+      chrysanthemum!" I cried. What do you think William John said? He <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page102" name="page102"></a></span> coolly
+      told me that the plant was dead, and had been flung out days ago. I went
+      to the theatre that night to keep myself from thinking. All next day I
+      contrived to remain out of Gilray's sight. When we met he was stiff and
+      polite. He did not say a word about the chrysanthemum for a week, and then
+      it all came out with a rush. I let him talk. With the servants flinging
+      out the flower-pots faster than I could water them, what more could I have
+      done? A coolness between us was inevitable. This I regretted, but my mind
+      was made up on one point: I would never do Gilray a favor again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch12-t" id="image-ch12-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch12-t.png" style="width:400px;height:660px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XII. &quot;The can nearly fell from my hand&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page103" name="page103"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0013" id="h2HCH0013">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE GRANDEST SCENE IN HISTORY.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch13-h" id="image-ch13-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch13-h.png"
+      style="float:right; width:150px;height:372px;padding: 0; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XIII." />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Though Scrymgeour only painted in watercolors, I think&mdash;I never
+      looked at his pictures&mdash;he had one superb idea, which we often
+      advised him to carry out. When he first mentioned it the room became
+      comparatively animated, so much struck were we all, and we entreated him
+      to retire to Stratford for a few months, before beginning the picture. His
+      idea was to paint Shakespeare smoking his first pipe of the Arcadia
+      Mixture.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Many hundreds of volumes have been written about the glories of the
+      Elizabethan age, the sublime period in our history. Then were Englishmen
+      on fire to do immortal deeds. High aims and noble ambitions became their
+      birthright. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page104" name="page104"></a>
+      </span> There was nothing they could not or would not do for England.
+      Sailors put a girdle round the world. Every captain had a general's
+      capacity; every fighting-man could have been a captain. All the women,
+      from the queen downward, were heroines. Lofty statesmanship guided the
+      conduct of affairs, a sublime philosophy was in the air. The period of
+      great deeds was also the period of our richest literature. London was
+      swarming with poetic geniuses. Immortal dramatists wandered in couples
+      between stage doors and taverns.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All this has been said many times; and we read these glowing outbursts
+      about the Elizabethan age as if to the beating of a drum. But why was this
+      period riper for magnificent deeds and noble literature than any other in
+      English history? We all know how the thinkers, historians, and critics of
+      yesterday and to-day answer that question; but our hearts and brains tell
+      us that they are astray. By an amazing oversight they have said nothing of
+      the Influence of Tobacco. The Elizabethan age might be better named the
+      beginning of the smoking era. No unprejudiced person who has given thought
+      to the subject can question the propriety of dividing our history into two
+      periods&mdash;the pre-smoking and the smoking. When <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page105" name="page105"></a></span> <a name="image-ch13-1"
+      id="image-ch13-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch13-1a.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:84px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country&quot;" />
+      Raleigh, in honor of whom England should have changed its name, introduced
+      tobacco into this country, the glorious Elizabethan age began. I am aware
+      that those hateful persons called Original Researchers now maintain that
+      Raleigh was not the man; but to them I turn a deaf ear. I know, I feel,
+      that with the introduction of tobacco England woke up from a long sleep.
+      <a name="image-ch13-1bcd" id="image-ch13-1bcd">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch13-1b.png"
+      style="float:right;            width:130px;height:148px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch13-1c.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:200px;height:190px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch13-1d.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:133px;height:122px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country&quot;" />
+      Suddenly a new zest had been given to life. The glory of existence became
+      a thing to speak of. Men who had hitherto only concerned themselves with
+      the narrow things of home put a pipe into their mouths and became
+      philosophers. Poets and dramatists smoked until all ignoble ideas were
+      driven from them, and into their place rushed such high thoughts as the
+      world had not known before. Petty jealousies no longer had hold of
+      statesmen, who smoked, and agreed to work together for the public weal.
+      Soldiers and sailors felt, when engaged with a foreign foe, <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page106" name="page106"></a></span> that
+      they were fighting for their pipes. The whole country was stirred by the
+      ambition to live up to tobacco. Every one, in short, had now a lofty ideal
+      constantly before him. Two stories of the period, never properly told
+      hitherto, illustrate this. We all know that Gabriel Harvey and Spenser lay
+      in bed discussing English poetry and the forms it ought to take. This was
+      when tobacco was only known to a select few, of whom Spenser, the friend
+      of Raleigh, was doubtless one. That the two friends smoked in bed I cannot
+      doubt. Many poets have done the same thing since. Then there is the
+      beautiful Armada story. In a famous Armada picture the English sailors are
+      represented smoking; which makes it all the more surprising that the story
+      to which I refer has come down to us in an incorrect form. According to
+      the historians, when the Armada hove in sight the English captains were
+      playing at bowls. Instead of rushing off to their ships on receipt of the
+      news, they observed, "Let us first finish our game." I cannot believe that
+      this is what they said. My conviction is that what was really said was,
+      "Let us first finish our pipes"&mdash;surely a far more impressive and
+      memorable remark.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This afternoon Marlowe's "Jew of Malta" <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page107" name="page107"></a></span> was produced for the first
+      time; and of the two men who have just emerged from the Blackfriars
+      Theatre one is the creator of <i>Barabas</i>. A marvel to all the "piperly
+      make-plaies and make-bates," save one, is "famous Ned Alleyn;" for when
+      money comes to him he does not drink till it be done, and already he is
+      laying by to confound the ecclesiastics, who say hard things of him, by
+      founding Dulwich College. "Not Roscius nor &AElig;sope," said Tom Nash,
+      who was probably in need of a crown at the time, "ever performed more in
+      action." A good fellow he is withal; for it is Ned who gives the supper
+      to-night at the "Globe," in honor of the new piece, if he can get his
+      friends together. The actor-manager shakes his head, for Marlowe, who was
+      to meet him here, must have been seduced into a tavern by the way; but his
+      companion, Robin Greene, is only wondering if that is a bailiff at the
+      corner. Robin of the "ruffianly haire," <i>utriusque academi&aelig;
+      artibus magister</i>, is nearing the end of his tether, and might call
+      to-night at shoemaker Islam's house near Dowgate, to tell a certain
+      "bigge, fat, lusty wench" to prepare his last bed and buy a garland of
+      bays. Ned must to the sign of the "Saba" in Gracious Street, where Burbage
+      and "honest gamesom Armin" are sure to be found; <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page108" name="page108"></a></span> but Greene durst not show
+      himself in the street without Cutting Ball and other choice ruffians as a
+      body-guard. Ned is content to leave them behind; for Robin has refused to
+      be of the company to-night if that "upstart Will" is invited too, and the
+      actor is fond of Will. There is no more useful man in the theatre, he has
+      said to "Signior Kempino" this very day, for touching up old plays; and
+      Will is a plodding young fellow, too, if not over-brilliant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern, picking out his men. There is an
+      ale-house in Sea-coal Lane&mdash;the same where lady-like George Peele was
+      found by the barber, who had subscribed an hour before for his decent
+      burial, "all alone with a peck of oysters"&mdash;and here Ned is detained
+      an unconscionable time. Just as he is leaving with Kempe and Cowley, Armin
+      and Will Shakespeare burst in with a cry for wine. It is Armin who gives
+      the orders, but his companion pays. They spy Alleyn, and Armin must tell
+      his news. He is the bearer of a challenge from some merry souls at the
+      "Saba" to the actor-manager; and Ned Alleyn turns white and red when he
+      hears it. Then he laughs a confident laugh, and accepts the bet. Some
+      theatre-goers, flushed with wine, have dared him to attempt certain parts
+      in which <span class="pagenum"><a id="page109" name="page109"></a></span>
+      Bentley and Knell vastly please them. Ned is incredulous that men should
+      be so willing to fling away their money; yet here is Will a witness, and
+      Burbage is staying on at the "Saba" not to let the challengers escape.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The young man of twenty-four, at the White Horse in Friday Street, is Tom
+      Nash; and it is Peele who is swearing that he is a monstrous clever
+      fellow, and helping him to finish his wine. But Peele is glad to see Ned
+      and Cowley in the doorway, for Tom has a weakness for reading aloud the
+      good things from his own manuscripts. There is only one of the company who
+      is not now sick to death of Nash's satires on Martin Marprelate; and
+      perhaps even he has had enough of them, only he is as yet too obscure a
+      person to say so. That is Will; and Nash detains him for a moment just to
+      listen to his last words on the Marprelate controversy. Marprelate now
+      appears "with a wit worn into the socket, twingling and pinking like the
+      snuff of a candle; <i>quantum mutatus ab illo!</i> how unlike the knave he
+      was before, not for malice but for sharpness. The hogshead was even come
+      to the hauncing, and nothing could be drawne from him but the dregs." Will
+      says it is very good; and Nash smiles to himself as he puts the papers in
+      his pockets and thinks vaguely that he <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page110" name="page110"></a></span> might do something for
+      Will. Shakespeare is not a university man, and they say he held horses at
+      the doors of the Globe not long ago; but he knows a good thing when he
+      hears it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All this time Marlowe is at the Globe, wondering why the others are so
+      long in coming; but not wondering very much&mdash;for it is good wine they
+      give you at the Globe. Even before the feast is well begun Kit's eyes are
+      bloodshot and his hands unsteady. Death is already seeking for him at a
+      tavern in Deptford, and the last scene in a wild, brief life starts up
+      before us. A miserable ale-house, drunken words, the flash of a knife, and
+      a man of genius has received his death-blow. What an epitaph for the
+      greatest might-have-been in English literature: "Christopher Marlowe,
+      slain by a serving-man in a drunken brawl, aged twenty-nine!" But by the
+      time Shakespeare had reached his fortieth birthday every one of his
+      fellow-playwrights round that table had rushed to his death.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch13-2" id="image-ch13-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch13-2.png"
+      style="float:right;width:125px;height:619px;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;padding: 0;"
+      alt="The Arcadia Mixture" /> The short stout gentleman who is fond of
+      making jokes, and not particular whom he confides them to, has heard
+      another good story about Tarleton. This is the low comedian Kempe, who
+      stepped into the shoes of flat-nosed, squinting Tarleton the other day,
+      but never quite manages to fill them. He whispers the <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page111" name="page111"></a></span> tale across Will's back to
+      Cowley, before it is made common property; and little fancies, as he does
+      so, that any immortality he and his friend may gain will be owing to their
+      having played, before the end of the sixteenth century, the parts of <i>Dogberry</i>
+      and <i>Verges</i> in a comedy by Shakespeare, whom they are at present
+      rather in the habit of patronizing. The story is received with boisterous
+      laughter, for it suits the time and place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Peele is in the middle of a love-song when Kit stumbles across the room to
+      say a kind word to Shakespeare. That is a sign that George is not yet so
+      very tipsy; for he is a gallant and a squire of dames so long as he is
+      sober. There is not a maid in any tavern in Fleet Street who does not
+      think George Peele the properest man in London. And yet, Greene being
+      absent, scouring the street <span class="pagenum"><a id="page112"
+      name="page112"></a></span> with Cutting Ball&mdash;whose sister is
+      mother of poor Fortunatus Greene&mdash;Peele is the most dissolute man in
+      the Globe to-night. There is a sad little daughter sitting up for him at
+      home, and she will have to sit wearily till morning. Marlowe's praises
+      would sink deeper into Will's heart if the author of the "Jew of Malta"
+      were less unsteady on his legs. And yet he takes Kit's words kindly, and
+      is glad to hear that "Titus Andronicus," produced the other day, pleases
+      the man whose praise is most worth having. Will Shakespeare looks up to
+      Kit Marlowe, and "Titus Andronicus" is the work of a young playwright who
+      has tried to write like Kit. Marlowe knows it, and he takes it as
+      something of a compliment, though he does not believe in imitation
+      himself. He would return now to his seat beside Ned Alleyn; but the floor
+      of the room is becoming unsteady, and Ned seems a long way off. Besides,
+      Shakespeare's cup would never require refilling if there were not some one
+      there to help him drink.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch13-3" id="image-ch13-3">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch13-3.jpg" style="width:400px;height:834px;"
+      alt="&quot;Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern picking out his men&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The fun becomes fast and furious; and the landlord of the Globe puts in an
+      appearance, ostensibly to do his guests honor by serving them himself. But
+      he is fearful of how the rioting may end, and, if he dared, he would turn
+      Nash into the street. Tom is the only man there <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page113" name="page113"></a></span>
+       <!-- Full page image ch13-3 moved up from here --> <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page114" name="page114"></a></span> whom the landlord&mdash;if
+      that man had only been a Boswell&mdash;personally dislikes; indeed, Nash
+      is no great favorite even with his comrades. He has a bitter tongue, and
+      his heart is not to be mellowed by wine. The table roars over his sallies,
+      of which the landlord himself is dimly conscious that he is the butt, and
+      Kempe and Cowley wince under his satire. Those excellent comedians fall
+      out over a trifling difference of opinion; and handsome Nash&mdash;he
+      tells us himself that he was handsome, so there can be no doubt about it&mdash;maintains
+      that they should decide the dispute by fist-cuffs without further loss of
+      time. While Kempe and Cowley threaten to break each other's heads&mdash;which,
+      indeed, would be no great matter if they did it quietly&mdash;Burbage is
+      reciting vehemently, with no one heeding him; and Marlowe insists on
+      quarrelling with Armin about the existence of a Deity. For when Kit is
+      drunk he is an infidel. Armin will not quarrel with anybody, and Marlowe
+      is exasperated.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But where is Shakespeare all this time? He has retired to a side table
+      with Alleyn, who has another historical play that requires altering. Their
+      conversation is of comparatively little importance; what we are to note
+      with bated breath is that Will is filling a pipe. His face is <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page115" name="page115"></a></span> placid,
+      for he does not know that the tobacco Ned is handing him is the Arcadia
+      Mixture. I love Ned Alleyn, and like to think that Shakespeare got the
+      Arcadia from him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For a moment let us turn from Shakespeare at this crisis in his life.
+      Alleyn has left him and is paying the score. Marlowe remains where he
+      fell. Nash has forgotten where he lodges, and so sets off with Peele to an
+      ale-house in Pye Corner, where George is only too well known. Kempe and
+      Cowley are sent home in baskets.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Again we turn to the figure in the corner, and there is such a light on
+      his face that we shade our eyes. He is smoking the Arcadia, and as he
+      smokes the tragedy of Hamlet takes form in his brain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is the picture that Scrymgeour will never dare to paint. I know that
+      there is no mention of tobacco in Shakespeare's plays, but those who smoke
+      the Arcadia tell their secret to none, and of other mixtures they scorn to
+      speak.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch13-t" id="image-ch13-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch13-t.png" style="width:400px;height:674px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XIII." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page116" name="page116"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0014" id="h2HCH0014">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch14-h" id="image-ch14-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="clear:both; padding:0; margin:0;">
+      <img src="images/ch14-ha.png"
+      style="float: left; clear:left; width:229px;height:147px;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XIV. &quot;I was testing some new Cabanas&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch14-hb.png"
+      style="float: left; clear:both; width:400px;height:60px; margin:0;padding:0;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XIV. &quot;I was testing some new Cabanas&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch14-hc.png"
+      style="float: left; clear:left; width:77px;height:478px; margin:0; padding:0;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XIV. &quot;I was testing some new Cabanas&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XIV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      MY BROTHER HENRY.
+    </h3>
+    <p style="clear:right; margin:150px 0 0 0; padding:0;">
+      Strictly speaking I never had a brother Henry, and yet I cannot say that
+      Henry was an impostor. He came into existence in a curious way, and I can
+      think of him now without malice as a child of smoke. The first I heard of
+      Henry was at Pettigrew's house, which is in a London suburb, so
+      conveniently situated that I can go there and back in one day. I was
+      testing some new Cabanas, I remember, when Pettigrew remarked that he had
+      been lunching with a man who knew my brother Henry. Not having any brother
+      but Alexander, I felt that Pettigrew had mistaken the name. "Oh, no,"
+      Pettigrew said; "he spoke of Alexander too." Even this did not convince
+      me, and I asked my host for his friend's name. Scudamour was the name of
+      the man, and he had met my brothers Alexander and Henry years <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page117" name="page117"></a></span> before
+      in Paris. Then I remembered Scudamour, and I probably frowned, for I
+      myself was my own brother Henry. I distinctly recalled Scudamour meeting
+      Alexander and me in Paris, and calling me Henry, though my name begins
+      with a J. I explained the mistake to Pettigrew, and here, for the time
+      being, the matter rested. However, I had by no means heard the last of
+      Henry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Several times afterward I heard from various persons that Scudamour wanted
+      to meet me because he knew my brother Henry. At last we did meet, in
+      Jimmy's chambers; and, almost as soon as he saw me, Scudamour asked where
+      Henry was now. This was precisely what I feared. I am a man who always
+      looks like a boy. There are few persons of my age in London who retain
+      their boyish appearance as long as I have done; indeed, this is the curse
+      of my life. Though I am approaching the age of thirty, I pass for twenty;
+      and I have observed old gentlemen frown at my precocity when I said a good
+      thing or helped myself to a second glass of wine. There was, therefore,
+      nothing surprising in Scudamour's remark, that, when he had the pleasure
+      of meeting Henry, Henry must have been about the age that I had now
+      reached. All would have been well had I explained the real <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page118" name="page118"></a></span> state
+      of affairs to this annoying man; but, unfortunately for myself, I loathe
+      entering upon explanations to anybody about anything. This it is to smoke
+      the Arcadia. When I ring for a time-table and William John brings coals
+      instead, I accept the coals as a substitute. Much, then, did I dread a
+      discussion with Scudamour, his <a name="image-ch14-1" id="image-ch14-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch14-1a.png"
+      style="float:left; clear:left;width:400px;height:163px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch14-1b.png"
+      style="float:left; clear:left;width:262px;height:154px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder&quot;" />
+      surprise when he heard that I was Henry, and his comments on my youthful
+      appearance. Besides, I was smoking the best of all mixtures. There was no
+      likelihood of my meeting Scudamour again, so the easiest way to get rid of
+      him seemed to be to humor him. I therefore told him that Henry was in
+      India, married, and doing well. "Remember me to Henry when you write to
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page119" name="page119"></a></span>
+      him," was Scudamour's last remark to me that evening.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder in Oxford Street. It
+      was Scudamour. "Heard from Henry?" he asked. I said I had heard by the
+      last mail. "Anything particular in the letter?" I felt it would not do to
+      say that there was nothing particular in a letter which had come all the
+      way from India, so I hinted that Henry was having trouble with his wife.
+      By this I meant that her health was bad; but he took it up in another way,
+      and I did not set him right. "Ah, ah!" he said, shaking his head
+      sagaciously; "I'm sorry to hear that. Poor Henry!" "Poor old boy!" was all
+      I could think of replying. "How about the children?" Scudamour asked. "Oh,
+      the children," I said, with what I thought presence of mind, "are coming
+      to England." "To stay with Alexander?" he asked. My answer was that
+      Alexander was expecting them by the middle of next month; and eventually
+      Scudamour went away muttering, "Poor Henry!" In a month or so we met
+      again. "No word of Henry's getting leave of absence?" asked Scudamour. I
+      replied shortly that Henry had gone to live in Bombay, and would not be
+      home for years. He saw that I was brusque, so what does he do but <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page120" name="page120"></a></span> draw me
+      aside for a quiet explanation. "I suppose," he said, "you are annoyed
+      because I told Pettigrew that Henry's wife had run away from him. The fact
+      is, I did it for your good. You see, I happened to make a remark to
+      Pettigrew <a name="image-ch14-2" id="image-ch14-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch14-2.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:707px;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;Naturally in the circumstances you did not want to talk about Henry&quot;" />
+      about your brother Henry, and he said that there was no such person. Of
+      course I laughed at that, and pointed out not only that I had the pleasure
+      of Henry's acquaintance, but that you and I had talked about the old
+      fellow every time we met. 'Well,' Pettigrew said, 'this is a most
+      remarkable thing; for he,' meaning you, 'said to me in this very room,
+      sitting in that very chair, that Alexander was his only brother.' I saw
+      that Pettigrew resented your concealing the existence of your brother
+      Henry from him, so I thought the most friendly thing I could do was to
+      tell him that your reticence was doubtless due to the unhappy state of
+      poor Henry's private affairs. Naturally in the circumstances you did not
+      want to talk about Henry." I shook Scudamour by the hand, telling him that
+      he had acted judiciously; but if I could have stabbed <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page121" name="page121"></a></span> him in the back at that
+      moment I dare say I would have done it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I did not see Scudamour again for a long time, for I took care to keep out
+      of his way; but I heard first from him and then of him. One day he wrote
+      to me saying that his nephew was going to Bombay, and would I be so good
+      as to give the youth an introduction to my brother Henry? He also asked me
+      to dine with him and his nephew. I declined the dinner, but I sent the
+      nephew the required note of introduction to Henry. The next I heard of
+      Scudamour was from Pettigrew. "By the way," said Pettigrew, "Scudamour is
+      in Edinburgh at present." I trembled, for Edinburgh is where Alexander
+      lives. "What has taken him there?" I asked, with assumed carelessness.
+      Pettigrew believed it was business; "but," he added, "Scudamour asked me
+      to tell you that he meant to call on Alexander, as he was anxious to see
+      Henry's children." A few days afterward I had a telegram from Alexander,
+      who generally uses this means of communication when he corresponds with
+      me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Do you know a man, Scudamour? Reply," was what Alexander said. I thought
+      of answering that we had met a man of that name when we were in Paris; but
+      after consideration, I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page122" name="page122"></a>
+      </span> replied boldly: "Know no one of name of Scudamour."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About two months ago I passed Scudamour in Regent Street, and he scowled
+      at me. This I could have borne if there had been no more of Henry; but I
+      knew that Scudamour was now telling everybody about Henry's wife.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By and by I got a letter from an old friend of Alexander's asking me if
+      there was any truth in a report that Alexander was going to Bombay. Soon
+      afterward Alexander wrote to me saying he had been told by several persons
+      that I was going to Bombay. In short, I saw that the time had come for
+      killing Henry. So I told Pettigrew that Henry had died of fever, deeply
+      regretted; and asked him to be sure to tell Scudamour, who had always been
+      interested in the deceased's welfare. Pettigrew afterward told me that he
+      had communicated the sad intelligence to Scudamour. "How did he take it?"
+      I asked. "Well," Pettigrew said, reluctantly, "he told me that when he was
+      up in Edinburgh he did not get on well with Alexander. But he expressed
+      great curiosity as to Henry's children." "Ah," I said, "the children were
+      both drowned in the Forth; a sad affair&mdash;we can't bear to talk of
+      it." I am not likely to see much of Scudamour again, nor is Alexander.
+      Scudamour <span class="pagenum"><a id="page123" name="page123"></a></span>
+      now goes about saying that Henry was the only one of us he really liked.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch14-t" id="image-ch14-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch14-t.png" style="width:400px;height:347px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XIV." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page124" name="page124"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0015" id="h2HCH0015">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch15-h" id="image-ch15-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch15-ha.png"
+      style="float:left; width:400px;height:335px;padding:0; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XV. &quot;House-boat Arcadia&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch15-hb.png"
+      style="float:left; clear:left; width:239px;height:151px;padding:0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XV. &quot;House-boat Arcadia&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <h2 style="margin-top:60px;">
+      CHAPTER XV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      HOUSE-BOAT "ARCADIA."
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Scrymgeour had a house-boat called, of course, the <i>Arcadia</i>, to
+      which he was so ill-advised as to invite us all at once. He was at that
+      time lying near Cookham, attempting to catch the advent of summer on a
+      canvas, and we were all, unhappily, able to accept his invitation. Looking
+      back to this nightmare of a holiday, I <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page125" name="page125"></a></span> am puzzled at our not
+      getting on well together, for who should be happy in a house-boat if not
+      five bachelors, well known to each other, and all smokers of the same
+      tobacco? Marriot says now that perhaps we were happy without knowing it;
+      but that is nonsense. We were miserable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have concluded that we knew each other too well. Though accustomed to
+      gather together in my rooms of an evening in London, we had each his
+      private chambers to retire to, but in the <i>Arcadia</i> solitude was
+      impossible. There was no escaping from each other.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Scrymgeour, I think, said that we were unhappy because each of us acted as
+      if the house-boat was his own. We retorted that the boy&mdash;by no means
+      a William John&mdash;was at the bottom of our troubles, and then
+      Scrymgeour said that he had always been against having a boy. We had been
+      opposed to a boy at first, too, fancying that we should enjoy doing our
+      own cooking. Seeing that there were so many of us, this should not have
+      been difficult, but the kitchen was small, and we were always striking
+      against each other and knocking things over. We had to break a window-pane
+      to let the smoke out; then Gilray, in kicking the stove because he had
+      burned his fingers on it, upset the thing, <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page126" name="page126"></a></span> and, before we had time to
+      intervene, a leg of mutton jumped out and darted into the coal-bunk. Jimmy
+      foolishly placed our six tumblers on the window-sill to dry, and a gust of
+      wind toppled them into the river. The draughts were a nuisance. This was
+      owing to windows facing each other being left open, and as a result
+      articles of clothing disappeared so mysteriously that we thought there
+      must be a thief or a somnambulist on board.
+    </p>
+    <div class="figinset" style="width:500px!important; margin:auto; clear:both; height:100%;">
+      <a name="image-ch15-1" id="image-ch15-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch15-1a.png"
+      style="width:400px;height:164px;  float:left;clear:both;margin:0px 50px  0px 50px!important;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch15-1bl.png"
+      style="width: 11px;height:380px;float:left;clear:left;margin:0px 15px  0px 50px!important;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch15-1br.png"
+      style="width: 11px;height:380px;float:right;          margin:0px 50px  0px 15px!important;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch15-1c.png"
+      style="width:400px;height:181px;  float:left;clear:left;margin:0px 50px 50px 50px!important;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind&quot;" />
+       <!--  317 -->
+      <p style="font-size:90%;">
+        The third or fourth day, however, going into the saloon unexpectedly,
+        <span class="pagenum"><a id="page127" name="page127"></a></span>
+        I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind. When last
+        seen it was on its way to Maidenhead, bowling along at the rate of
+        several miles an hour. So we thought it would be as well to have a boy.
+        As far as I remember, this was the only point unanimously agreed upon
+        during the whole time we were aboard. They told us at the Ferry Hotel
+        that boys were rather difficult to get in Cookham; but we instituted a
+        vigorous house-to-house search, and at last we ran a boy to earth and
+        carried him off.
+      </p>
+    </div>
+    <p style="clear:both;">
+      It was most unfortunate for all concerned that the boy did not sleep on
+      board. There was, however, no room for him; so he came at seven in the
+      morning, and retired when his labors were over for the day. I say he came;
+      but in point of fact that was the difficulty with the boy. He couldn't
+      come. He came as far as he could: that is to say, he walked up the
+      tow-path until he was opposite the house-boat, and then he hallooed to be
+      taken on board, whereupon some one had to go in the dingy for him. All the
+      time we were in the house-boat that boy was never five minutes late. Wet
+      or fine, calm or rough, 7 A.M. found the boy on the tow-path hallooing. No
+      sooner were we asleep than the dewy morn was made hideous <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page128" name="page128"></a></span> by the
+      boy. Lying in bed with the blankets over our heads to deaden his cries,
+      his fresh, lusty young voice pierced wood-work, blankets, sheets,
+      everything. "Ya-ho, ahoy, ya-ho, aho, ahoy!" So he kept it up. What
+      followed may easily be guessed. We all lay as silent as the grave, each
+      waiting for some one else to rise and bring the impatient lad across. At
+      last the stillness would be broken by some one's yelling out that he would
+      do for that boy. A second would mutter horribly in his sleep; a third
+      would make himself a favorite for the moment by shouting through the
+      wooden partition that it was the fifth's turn this morning. The fifth
+      would tell us where he would see the boy before he went across for him.
+      Then there would be silence again. Eventually some one would put an ulster
+      over his night-shirt, and sternly announce his intention of going over and
+      taking the boy's life. Hearing this, the others at once dropped off to
+      sleep. For a few days we managed to trick the boy by pulling up our blinds
+      and so conveying to his mind the impression that we were getting up. Then
+      he had not our breakfast ready when we did get up, which naturally enraged
+      us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As soon as he got on board that boy made his presence felt. He was very
+      strong and energetic <span class="pagenum"><a id="page129" name="page129"></a>
+      </span> in the morning, and spent the first half-hour or so in
+      flinging coals at each other. This <a name="image-ch15-2" id="image-ch15-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch15-2.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:150px;height:520px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;It was the boy come back with the vegetables&quot;" /> was his
+      way of breaking them; and he was by nature so patient and humble that he
+      rather flattered himself when a coal broke at the twentieth attempt. We
+      used to dream that he was breaking coals on our heads. Often one of us
+      dashed into the kitchen, threatening to drop him into the river if he did
+      not sit quite still on a chair for the next two hours. Under these threats
+      he looked sufficiently scared to satisfy anybody; but as soon as all was
+      quiet again he crept back to the coal-bunk and was at his old games.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It didn't matter what we did, the boy put a stop to it. We tried whist,
+      and in ten minutes there was a "Hoy, hie, ya-ho!" from the opposite shore.
+      It was the boy come back with the vegetables. If we were reading, "Ya-ho,
+      hie!" and some one had to cross for that boy and the water-can. The boy
+      was on the tow-path <span class="pagenum"><a id="page130" name="page130"></a>
+      </span> just when we had fallen into a snooze; he had to be taken
+      across for the milk immediately we had lighted our pipes. On the whole, it
+      is an open question whether it was not even more annoying to take him over
+      than to go for him. Two or three times we tried to be sociable and went
+      into the village together; but no sooner had we begun to enjoy ourselves
+      than we remembered that we must go back and let the boy ashore. Tennyson
+      speaks of a company making believe to be merry while all the time the
+      spirit of a departed one haunted them in their play. That was exactly the
+      effect of the boy on us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Even without the boy I hardly think we should have been a sociable party.
+      The sight of so much humanity gathered in one room became a nuisance. We
+      resorted to all kinds of subterfuge to escape from each other; and the one
+      who finished breakfast first generally managed to make off with the dingy.
+      The others were then at liberty to view him in the distance, in midstream,
+      lying on his back in the bottom of the boat; and it was almost more than
+      we could stand. The only way to bring him back was to bribe the boy into
+      saying that he wanted to go across to the village for bacon or black lead
+      or sardines. Thus even the boy had his uses.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page131" name="page131"></a></span>
+      Things gradually got worse and worse. I remember only one day when as many
+      as four of us were on speaking terms. Even this temporary sociability was
+      only brought about in order that we might combine and fall upon Jimmy with
+      the more crushing force. Jimmy had put us in an article, representing
+      himself as a kind of superior person who was making a study of us. The
+      thing was such a gross caricature, and so dull, that it was Jimmy we were
+      sorry for rather than ourselves. Still, we gathered round him in a body
+      and told him what we thought of the matter. Affairs might have gone more
+      smoothly after this if we four had been able to hold together.
+      Unfortunately, Jimmy won Marriot over, and next day there was a row all
+      round, which resulted in our division into five parties.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day Pettigrew visited us. He brought his Gladstone bag with him, but
+      did not stay over night. He was glad to go; for at first none of us, I am
+      afraid, was very civil to him, though we afterward thawed a little. He
+      returned to London and told every one how he found us. I admit we were not
+      prepared to receive company. The house-boat consisted of five apartments&mdash;a
+      saloon, three bedrooms, and a kitchen. When he boarded us we were
+      distributed <span class="pagenum"><a id="page132" name="page132"></a>
+      </span> as follows: I sat smoking in the saloon, Marriot sat smoking
+      in the first bedroom, Gilray in the second, Jimmy in the third, and
+      Scrymgeour in the kitchen. The boy did not keep Scrymgeour company. He had
+      been ordered on deck, where he sat with his legs crossed, the picture of
+      misery because he had no coals to break. A few days after Pettigrew's
+      visit we followed him to London, leaving Scrymgeour behind, where we soon
+      became friendly again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch15-t" id="image-ch15-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch15-t.png" style="width:400px;height:250px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XV. &quot;There was a row all round, which resulted in our division into five parties&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page133" name="page133"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0016" id="h2HCH0016">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XVI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE ARCADIA MIXTURE AGAIN.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch16-h" id="image-ch16-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch16-ha.png"
+      style="float: right; clear: right; width: 150px;height:149px; margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em;padding:0;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XVI. &quot;The Arcadia Mixture again&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch16-hb.png"
+      style="float: right; clear: right; width: 121px;height:68px;  margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;padding:0;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XVI. &quot;The Arcadia Mixture again&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day, some weeks after we left Scrymgeour's house-boat, I was alone in
+      my rooms, very busy smoking, when William John entered with a telegram. It
+      was from Scrymgeour, and said, "You have got me into a dreadful mess. Come
+      down here first train."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Wondering what mess I could have got Scrymgeour into, I good-naturedly
+      obeyed his summons, and soon I was smoking placidly on the deck of the
+      house-boat, while Scrymgeour, sullen and nervous, tramped back and
+      forward. I saw quickly that the only tobacco had something to do with his
+      troubles, for he began by announcing that one evening soon after we left
+      him he found that we had <span class="pagenum"><a id="page134"
+      name="page134"></a></span> smoked all his Arcadia. He would have
+      dispatched the boy to London for it, but the boy had been all day in the
+      village buying a loaf, and would not be back for hours. Cookham cigars
+      Scrymgeour could not smoke; cigarettes he only endured if made from the
+      Arcadia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At Cookham he could only get tobacco that made him uncomfortable. Having
+      recently begun to use a new pouch, he searched his pockets in vain for odd
+      shreds of the Mixture to which he had so contemptibly become a slave. In a
+      very bad temper he took to his dingy, vowing for a little while that he
+      would violently break the chains that bound him to one tobacco, and
+      afterward, when he was restored to his senses that he would jilt the
+      Arcadia gradually. He had pulled some distance down the river, without
+      regarding the Cliveden Woods, when he all but ran into a blaze of Chinese
+      lanterns. It was a house-boat called&mdash;let us change its name to the
+      <i>Heathen Chinee</i>. Staying his dingy with a jerk, Scrymgeour looked
+      up, when a wonderful sight met his eyes. On the open window of an
+      apparently empty saloon stood a round tin of tobacco, marked "Arcadia
+      Mixture."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Scrymgeour sat gaping. The only sound to be heard, except a soft splash of
+      water under <span class="pagenum"><a id="page135" name="page135"></a>
+      </span> <a name="image-ch16-1" id="image-ch16-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch16-1a.png"
+      style="float: right; clear: right; width: 400px;height:289px; margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;On the open window ... stood a round tin of tobacco&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch16-1b.png"
+      style="float: right; clear: right; width: 192px;height:355px; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;On the open window ... stood a round tin of tobacco&quot;" />
+      the house-boat, came from the kitchen, where a servant was breaking
+      crockery for supper. The romantic figure in the dingy stretched out his
+      hand and then drew it back, remembering that there was a law against this
+      sort of thing. He thought to himself, "If I were to wait until the owner
+      returns, no doubt a man who smokes the Arcadia <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page136" name="page136"></a></span> would feel for me." Then
+      his fatal horror of explanations whispered to him, "The owner may be a
+      stupid, garrulous fellow who will detain you here half the night
+      explaining your situation." Scrymgeour, I want to impress upon the reader,
+      was, like myself, the sort of a man who, if asked whether he did not think
+      "In Memoriam" Mr. Browning's greatest poem, would say Yes, as the easiest
+      way of ending the conversation. Obviously he would save himself trouble by
+      simply annexing the tin. He seized it and rowed off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Smokers, who know how tobacco develops the finer feelings, hardly require
+      to be told what happened next. Suddenly Scrymgeour remembered that he was
+      probably leaving the owner of the <i>Heathen Chinee</i> without any
+      Arcadia Mixture. He at once filled his pouch, and, pulling softly back to
+      the house-boat, replaced the tin on the window, his bosom swelling with
+      the pride of those who give presents. At the same moment a hand gripped
+      him by the neck, and a girl, somewhere on deck, screamed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Scrymgeour's captor, who was no other than the owner of the <i>Heathen
+      Chinee</i>, dragged him fiercely into the house-boat and stormed at him
+      for five minutes. My friend shuddered as he thought of the explanations to
+      come when he <span class="pagenum"><a id="page137" name="page137"></a>
+      </span> was allowed to speak, and gradually he realized that he had
+      been mistaken for someone else&mdash;apparently for some young blade who
+      had been carrying on a clandestine flirtation with the old gentleman's
+      daughter. It will take an hour, thought Scrymgeour, to convince him that I
+      am not that person, and another hour to explain why I am really here. Then
+      the weak creature had an idea: "Might not the simplest plan be to say that
+      his surmises are correct, promise to give his daughter up, and row away as
+      quickly as possible?" He began to wonder if the girl was pretty; but saw
+      it would hardly do to say that he reserved his defence until he could see
+      her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I admit," he said, at last, "that I admire your daughter; but she spurned
+      my advances, and we parted yesterday forever."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Yesterday!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Or was it the day before?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, sir, I have caught you red-handed!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "This is an accident," Scrymgeour explained, "and I promise never to speak
+      to her again." Then he added, as an after-thought, "however painful that
+      may be to me."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Before Scrymgeour returned to his dingy he had been told that he would be
+      drowned if he came near that house-boat again. As he sculled away he had a
+      glimpse of the flirting daughter, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page138"
+      name="page138"></a></span> whom he described to me briefly as
+      being of such engaging appearance that six yards was a trying distance to
+      be away from her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Here," thought Scrymgeour that night over a pipe of the Mixture, "the
+      affair ends; though I dare say the young lady will call me terrible names
+      when she hears that I have personated her lover. I must take care to avoid
+      the father now, for he will feel that I have been following <a
+      name="image-ch16-2" id="image-ch16-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch16-2a.png"
+      style="float: left; clear: left; width:  70px;height:47px; margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;A pipe of the Mixture&quot;" /> <img src="images/ch16-2b.png"
+      style="float: left; clear: left; width: 150px;height:52px; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;A pipe of the Mixture&quot;" /> <img src="images/ch16-2c.png"
+      style="float: left; clear: left; width:  98px;height:72px; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;A pipe of the Mixture&quot;" /> him. Perhaps I should have made
+      a clean breast of it; but I do loathe explanations."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Two days afterward Scrymgeour passed the father and daughter on the river.
+      The lady said "Thank you" to him with her eyes, and, still more
+      remarkable, the old gentleman bowed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Scrymgeour thought it over. "She is grateful to me," he concluded, "for
+      drawing away suspicion from the other man, but what can have made the
+      father so amiable? Suppose she has not told him that I am an impostor, he
+      should still look upon me as a villain; and if she has told him, he should
+      be still more furious. It is <span class="pagenum"><a id="page139"
+      name="page139"></a></span> curious, but no affair of mine." Three
+      times within the next few days he encountered the lady on the tow-path or
+      elsewhere with a young gentleman of empty countenance, who, he saw must be
+      the real Lothario. Once they passed him when he was in the shadow of a
+      tree, and the lady was making pretty faces with a cigarette <a
+      name="image-ch16-3" id="image-ch16-3">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch16-3.png"
+      style="float: right; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; width:200px;height:202px;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;The lady was making pretty faces with a cigarette in her mouth&quot;" />
+      in her mouth. The house-boat <i>Heathen Chinee</i> lay but a short
+      distance off, and Scrymgeour could see the owner gazing after his daughter
+      placidly, a pipe between his lips.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "He must be approving of her conduct now," was my friend's natural
+      conclusion. Then one forenoon Scrymgeour travelled to town in the same
+      compartment as the old gentleman, who was exceedingly frank, and made sly
+      remarks about romantic young people who met by stealth when there was no
+      reason why they should not meet openly. "What does <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page140" name="page140"></a></span> he mean?" Scrymgeour asked
+      himself, uneasily. He saw terribly elaborate explanations gathering and
+      shrank from them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then Scrymgeour was one day out in a punt, when he encountered the old
+      gentleman in a canoe. The old man said, purple with passion, that he was
+      on his way to pay Mr. Scrymgeour a business visit. "Oh, yes," he
+      continued, "I know who you are; if I had not discovered you were a man of
+      means I would not have let the thing go on, and now I insist on an
+      explanation."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Explanations!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They made for Scrymgeour's house-boat, with almost no words on the young
+      man's part; but the father blurted out several things&mdash;as that his
+      daughter knew where he was going when he left the <i>Heathen Chinee</i>,
+      and that he had an hour before seen Scrymgeour making love to another
+      girl.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Don't deny it!" cried the indignant father; "I recognized you by your
+      velvet coat and broad hat."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then Scrymgeour began to see more clearly. The girl had encouraged the
+      deception, and had been allowed to meet her lover because he was supposed
+      to be no adventurer but the wealthy Mr. Scrymgeour. She must have told the
+      fellow to get a coat and hat like his to help the <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page141" name="page141"></a></span> plot. At the time the
+      artist only saw all this in a jumble.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Scrymgeour had bravely resolved to explain everything now; but his
+      bewilderment may be conceived when, on entering his saloon with the lady's
+      father, the first thing they saw was the lady herself. The old gentleman
+      gasped, and his daughter looked at Scrymgeour imploringly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Now," said the father fiercely, "explain."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The lady's tears became her vastly. Hardly knowing what he did, Scrymgeour
+      put his arm around her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Well, go on," I said, when at this point Scrymgeour stopped.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "There is no more to tell," he replied; "you see the girl allowed me to&mdash;well,
+      protect her&mdash;and&mdash;and the old gentleman thinks we are engaged."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I don't wonder. What does the lady say?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "She says that she ran along the bank and got into my house-boat by the
+      plank, meaning to see me before her father arrived and to entreat me to
+      run away."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "With her?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "No, without her."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But what does she say about explaining matters to her father?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "She says she dare not, and as for me, I could not. That was why I
+      telegraphed to you."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page142" name="page142"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You want me to be intercessor? No, Scrymgeour; your only honorable course
+      is marriage."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "But you must help me. It is all your fault, teaching me to like the
+      Arcadia Mixture."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I thought this so impudent of Scrymgeour that I bade him good-night at
+      once. All the men on the stair are still confident that he would have
+      married her, had the lady not cut the knot by eloping with Scrymgeour's
+      double.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch16-t" id="image-ch16-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch16-t.png" style="width:300px;height:480px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XVI." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page143" name="page143"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0017" id="h2HCH0017">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XVII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE ROMANCE OF A PIPE-CLEANER.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch17-h" id="image-ch17-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch17-ha.png"
+      style="width: 400px;height:113px; float:left; clear:left; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XVII. &quot;He was in love again&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch17-hb.png"
+      style="width: 257px;height:465px; float:left; clear:left; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XVII. &quot;He was in love again&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We continued to visit the <i>Arcadia</i>, though only one at a time now,
+      and Gilray, who went most frequently, also remained longest. In other
+      words, he was in love again, and this time she lived at Cookham. Marriot's
+      love affairs I pushed from me with a wave of my pipe, but Gilray's second
+      case was serious.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In time, however, he returned to the Arcadia Mixture, though not until the
+      house-boat was in its winter quarters. I witnessed his complete recovery,
+      the scene being his chambers. Really it is rather a pathetic story, and so
+      I give the telling of it to a rose, which the <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page144" name="page144"></a></span> lady once presented to
+      Gilray. Conceive the rose lying, as I saw it, on Gilray's hearth-rug, and
+      then imagine it whispering as follows:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "A wire was round me that white night on the river when she let him take
+      me from her. Then I hated the wire. Alas! hear the end.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "My moments are numbered; and if I would expose him with my dying sigh, I
+      must not sentimentalize over my own decay. They were in a punt, her hand
+      trailing in the water, when I became his. When they parted that night at
+      Cookham Lock, he held her head in his hands, and they gazed in each
+      other's eyes. Then he turned away quickly; when he reached the punt again
+      he was whistling. Several times before we came to the house-boat in which
+      he and another man lived, he felt in his pocket to make sure that I was
+      still there. At the house-boat he put me in a tumbler of water out of
+      sight of his friend, and frequently he stole to the spot like a thief to
+      look at me. Early next morning he put me in his buttonhole, calling me
+      sweet names. When his friend saw me, he too whistled, but not in the same
+      way. Then my owner glared at him. This happened many months ago.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Next evening I was in a garden that slopes to the river. I was on his
+      breast, and so for a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page145" name="page145"></a>
+      </span> moment was she. His voice was so soft and low as he said to
+      her the words he had said to me the night before, that I slumbered in a
+      dream. When I awoke suddenly he was raging at her, and she cried. I know
+      not why they <a name="image-ch17-1" id="image-ch17-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch17-1.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:400px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;I heard him walking up and down the deck&quot;" /> quarrelled so
+      quickly, but it was about some one whom he called 'that fellow,' while she
+      called him a 'friend of papa's.' He looked at her for a long time again,
+      and then said coldly that he wished her a very good-evening. She bowed and
+      went toward a house, humming a merry air, while he pretended to light a
+      cigarette made from a tobacco of which he was very fond. Till very late
+      that night I heard him walking up and down the deck of the house-boat, his
+      friend shouting to him not to be an ass. Me he had flung fiercely on the
+      floor of the house-boat. About midnight he came downstairs, his face
+      white, and, snatching me up, put me in his pocket. Again we went into the
+      punt, and he pushed it within sight of the garden. There he pulled in his
+      pole and lay <span class="pagenum"><a id="page146" name="page146"></a>
+      </span> groaning in the punt, letting it drift, while he called her
+      his beloved and a little devil. Suddenly he took me from his pocket,
+      kissed me, and cast me down from him into the night. I fell among reeds,
+      head downward; and there I lay all through the cold, horrid night. The
+      gray morning came at last, then the sun, and a boat now and again. I
+      thought I had found my grave, when I saw his punt coming toward the reeds.
+      He searched everywhere for me, and at last he found me. So delighted and
+      affectionate was he that I forgave him my sufferings, only I was jealous
+      of a letter in his other pocket, which he read over many times, murmuring
+      that it explained everything.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Her I never saw again, but I heard her voice. He kept me now in a leather
+      case in an inner pocket, where I was squeezed very flat. What they said to
+      each other I could not catch; but I understood afterward, for he always
+      repeated to me what he had been saying to her, and many times he was
+      loving, many times angry, like a bad man. At last came a day when he had a
+      letter from her containing many things he had given her, among them a ring
+      on which she had seemed to set great store. What it all meant I never
+      rightly knew, but he flung the ring into the Thames, calling her all the
+      old <span class="pagenum"><a id="page147" name="page147"></a></span>
+      wicked names and some new ones. I remember how we rushed to her house,
+      along the bank this time, and that she asked him to be her brother; but he
+      screamed denunciations at her, again speaking of 'that fellow,' and saying
+      that he was going to-morrow to Manitoba.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "So far as I know, they saw each other no more. He walked on the deck so
+      much now that his friend went back to London, saying he could get no
+      sleep. Sometimes we took long walks alone; often we sat for hours looking
+      at the river, for on those occasions he would take me out of the leather
+      case and put me on his knee. One day his friend came back and told him
+      that he would soon get over it, he himself having once had a similar
+      experience; but my master said no one had ever loved as he loved, and
+      muttered 'Vixi, vixi' to himself till the other told him not to be a fool,
+      but to come to the hotel and have something to eat. Over this they
+      quarrelled, my master hinting that he would eat no more; but he ate
+      heartily after his friend was gone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "After a time we left the house-boat, and were in chambers in a great inn.
+      I was still in his pocket, and heard many conversations between him and
+      people who came to see him, and he would tell them that he loathed the
+      society <span class="pagenum"><a id="page148" name="page148"></a></span>
+      of women. When they told him, as one or two did, that they were in love,
+      he always said that he had gone through that stage ages ago. Still, at
+      nights he would take me out of my case, when he was alone, and look at me;
+      after which he walked up and down the room in an agitated manner and cried
+      'Vixi.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "By and by he left me in a coat that he was no longer wearing. Before this
+      he had always put me into whatever coat he had on. I lay neglected, I
+      think, for a month, until one day he felt the pockets of the coat for
+      something else, and pulled me out. I don't think he remembered what was in
+      the leather case at first; but as he looked at me his face filled with
+      sentiment, and next day he took me with him to Cookham. The winter was
+      come, and it was a cold day. There were no boats on the river. He walked
+      up the bank to the garden where was the house in which she had lived; but
+      the place was now deserted. On the garden gate he sat down, taking me from
+      his pocket; and here, I think, he meant to recall the days that were dead.
+      But a cold, piercing wind was blowing, and many times he looked at his
+      watch, putting it to his ear as if he thought it had stopped. After a
+      little he took to flinging stones into the water, for something to do; and
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page149" name="page149"></a></span>
+      then he went to the hotel and stayed there till he got a train back to
+      London. We were home many hours before he meant to be back, and that night
+      he went to a theatre.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "That was my last day in the leather case. He keeps something else in it
+      now. He flung me among old papers, smoking-caps, slippers, and other odds
+      and ends into a box, where I have remained until to-night. A month or more
+      ago he rummaged in the box for some old letters, and coming upon me
+      unexpectedly, he jagged his finger on the wire. 'Where on earth did you
+      come from?' he asked me. Then he remembered, and flung me back among the
+      papers with a laugh. Now we come to to-night. An hour ago I heard him
+      blowing down something, then stamping his feet. From his words I knew that
+      his pipe was stopped. I heard him ring a bell and ask angrily who had gone
+      off with his pipe-cleaners. He bustled through the room looking for them
+      or for a substitute, and after a time he cried aloud, 'I have it; that
+      would do; but where was it I saw the thing last?' He pulled out several
+      drawers, looked through his desk, and then opened the box in which I lay.
+      He tumbled its contents over until he found me, and then he pulled me out,
+      exclaiming, 'Eureka!' My heart sank, for I understood all as I fell <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page150" name="page150"></a></span> leaf by
+      leaf on the hearth-rug where I now lie. He took the wire off me and used
+      it to clean his pipe."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch17-t" id="image-ch17-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch17-t.png" style="width:400px;height:579px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XVII. &quot;He took the wire off me and used it to clean his pipe&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page151" name="page151"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0018" id="h2HCH0018">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XVIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      WHAT COULD HE DO?
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch18-h" id="image-ch18-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch18-ha.png"
+      style="width: 400px;height:171px; float:left; clear:left;padding:0;margin:0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XVIII. &quot;I had walked from Spondinig to Franzenshohe&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch18-hb.png"
+      style="width: 173px;height:251px; float:left; clear:left;margin:0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XVIII. &quot;I had walked from Spondinig to Franzenshohe&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p style="margin-top:190px;">
+      This was another of Marriot's perplexities of the heart. He had been on
+      the Continent, and I knew from his face, the moment he returned, that I
+      would have a night of him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "On the 4th of September," he began, playing agitatedly with my
+      tobacco-pouch, which was not for hands like his, "I had walked from
+      Spondinig to Franzenshohe, which is a Tyrolese inn near the top of Stelvio
+      Pass. From the inn to a very fine glacier is only a stroll of a few
+      minutes; but the path is broken by a roaring stream. The only bridge
+      across this stream is a plank, which seemed to give way as I put <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page152" name="page152"></a></span> my foot
+      on it. I drew back, for the stream would be called one long waterfall in
+      England. Though a passionate admirer of courage, I easily lose my head
+      myself, and I did not dare to venture across the plank. I walked up the
+      stream, looking in vain for another crossing, and finally sat down on a
+      wilderness of stones, from which I happened to have a good view of the <a
+      name="image-ch18-1" id="image-ch18-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch18-1.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:459px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;On the middle of the plank she had turned to kiss her hand&quot;" />
+      plank. In parties of two and three a number of tourists strolled down the
+      path; but they were all afraid to cross the bridge. I saw them test it
+      with their alpenstocks; but none would put more than one foot on it. They
+      gathered there at their wit's end. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page153"
+      name="page153"></a></span> Suddenly I saw that there was some one
+      on the plank. It was a young lady. I stood up and gazed. She was perhaps a
+      hundred yards away from me; but I could distinctly make out her swaying,
+      girlish figure, her deer-stalker cap, and the ends of her boa (as, I
+      think, those long, furry things are called) floating in the wind. In a
+      moment she was safe on the other side; but on the middle of the plank she
+      had turned to kiss her hand to some of her more timid friends, and it was
+      then that I fell in love with her. No doubt it was the very place for
+      romance, if one was sufficiently clad; but I am not 'susceptible,' as it
+      is called, and I had never loved before. On the other hand, I was always a
+      firm believer in love at first sight, which, as you will see immediately,
+      is at the very root of my present sufferings.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "The other tourists, their fears allayed, now crossed the plank, but I
+      hurried away anywhere; and found myself an hour afterward on a hillside,
+      surrounded by tinkling cows. All that time I had been thinking of a plank
+      with a girl on it. I returned hastily to the inn, to hear that the heroine
+      of the bridge and her friends had already driven off up the pass. My
+      intention had been to stay at Franzenshohe over night, but of course I at
+      once followed the line of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page154"
+      name="page154"></a></span> carriages which could be seen crawling
+      up the winding road. It was no difficult matter to overtake them, and in
+      half an hour I was within a few yards of the hindmost carriage. It
+      contained her of whom I was in pursuit. Her back was toward me, but I
+      recognized the cap and the boa. I confess that I was nervous about her
+      face, which I had not yet seen. So often had I been disappointed in ladies
+      when they showed their faces, that I muttered Jimmy's aphorism to myself:
+      'The saddest thing in life is that most women look best from the back.'
+      But when she looked round all anxiety was dispelled. So far as your advice
+      is concerned, it cannot matter to you what she was like. Briefly, she was
+      charming.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I am naturally shy, and so had more difficulty in making her acquaintance
+      than many travellers would have had. It was at the baths of Bormio that we
+      came together. I had bribed a waiter to seat me next her father at dinner;
+      but, when the time came, I could say nothing to him, so anxious was I to
+      create a favorable impression. In the evening, however, I found the family
+      gathered round a pole, with skittles at the foot of it. They were
+      wondering how Italian skittles was played, and, though I had no idea, I
+      volunteered to teach them. Fortunately <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page155" name="page155"></a></span> none of them understood
+      Italian, and consequently the expostulations of the boy in charge were
+      disregarded. It is not my intention to dwell upon the
+      never-to-be-forgotten days&mdash;ah, and still more the evenings&mdash;we
+      spent at the baths of Bormio. I had loved her as she crossed the plank;
+      but daily now had I more cause to love her, and it was at Bormio that she
+      learned&mdash;I say it with all humility&mdash;to love me. The seat in the
+      garden on which I proposed is doubtless still to be seen, with the chair
+      near it on which her papa was at that very moment sitting, with one of his
+      feet on a small table. During the three sunny days that followed, my life
+      was one delicious dream, with no sign that the awakening was at hand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "So far I had not mentioned the incident at Franzenshohe to her. Perhaps
+      you will call my reticence contemptible; but the fact is, I feared to fall
+      in her esteem. I could not have spoken of the plank without admitting that
+      I was afraid to cross it; and then what would she, who was a heroine,
+      think of a man who was so little of a hero? Thus, though I had told her
+      many times that I fell in love with her at first sight, she thought I
+      referred to the time when she first saw me. She liked to hear me say that
+      I believed in no love but love at <span class="pagenum"><a id="page156"
+      name="page156"></a></span> first sight; and, looking back, I can
+      recall saying it at least once on every seat in the garden at the baths of
+      Bormio.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch18-2" id="image-ch18-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch18-2.png"
+      style="float:right;width:150px;height:466px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Then she burst into tears&quot;" /> "Do you know Tirano, a
+      hamlet in a nest of vines, where Italian soldiers strut and women sleep in
+      the sun beside baskets of fruit? How happily we entered it; were we the
+      same persons who left it within an hour? I was now travelling with her
+      party; and at Tirano, while the others rested, she and I walked down a
+      road between vines and Indian corn. Why I should then have told her that I
+      loved her for a whole day before she saw me I cannot tell. It may have
+      been something she said, perhaps only an irresistible movement of her
+      head; for her grace was ever taking me by surprise, and she was a
+      revelation a thousand times a day. But whatever it was that made me speak
+      out, I suddenly told her that I fell in love with her as she stood upon
+      the plank at Franzenshohe. I remember her stopping short at a point where
+      there had probably once been a gate to the vineyard, and I thought she was
+      angry with me for not having told her of the Franzenshohe incident before.
+      Soon the pallor of her face alarmed me. She entreated me to say it was not
+      at Franzenshohe that I first loved her, and I fancied she was afraid lest
+      her behavior on the bridge had <span class="pagenum"><a id="page157"
+      name="page157"></a></span> seemed a little bold. I told her it was
+      divine, and pictured the scene as only an anxious lover could do. Then she
+      burst into tears, and we went back silently to her relatives. She would
+      not say a word to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "We drove to Sondrio, and before we reached it I dare say I was as pale as
+      she. A horrible thought had flashed upon me. At Sondrio I took her papa
+      aside, and, without telling him what had happened, questioned him about
+      his impressions of Franzenshohe. 'You remember the little bridge,' he
+      said, 'that we were all afraid to cross; by Jove! I have often wondered
+      who that girl was that ventured over it first.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I hastened away from him to think. My fears had been confirmed. It was
+      not she who had first crossed the plank. Therefore it was not she with
+      whom I had fallen in love. Nothing could be plainer than that I was in
+      love with the wrong person. All the time I had loved <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page158" name="page158"></a></span> another. But who was she?
+      Besides, did I love her? Certainly not. Yes, but why did I love this one?
+      The whole foundation of my love had been swept away. Yet the love
+      remained. Which is absurd.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "At Colico I put the difficulty to her father; but he is stout, and did
+      not understand its magnitude. He said he could not see how it mattered. As
+      for her, I have never mentioned it to her again; but she is always
+      thinking of it, and so am I. A wall has risen up between us, and how to
+      get over it or whether I have any right to get over it, I know not. Will
+      you help me&mdash;and her?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Certainly not," I said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch18-t" id="image-ch18-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch18-t.png" style="width:400px;height:227px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XVIII. &quot;A wall has risen up between us&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page159" name="page159"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0019" id="h2HCH0019">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch19-h" id="image-ch19-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch19-ha.png"
+      style="width: 400px;height:309px; float:left; clear:left; padding: 0; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XIX. &quot;Primus&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch19-hb.png"
+      style="width: 181px;height:153px; float:left; clear:left; padding: 0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XIX. &quot;Primus&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <h2 style="margin-top: 325px;">
+      CHAPTER XIX.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      PRIMUS.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Primus is my brother's eldest son, and he once spent his Easter holidays
+      with me. I did not want him, nor was he anxious to come, but circumstances
+      were too strong for us, and, to be just to Primus, he did his best to show
+      me that I was not in his way. He was then at the age when boys begin to
+      address each other by their surnames.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have said that I always took care not to know how much tobacco I smoked
+      in a week, and therefore I may be hinting a libel on Primus <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page160" name="page160"></a></span> when I
+      say that while he was with me the Arcadia disappeared mysteriously. Though
+      he spoke respectfully of the Mixture&mdash;as became my nephew&mdash;he
+      tumbled it on to the table, so that he might make a telephone out of the
+      tins, and he had a passion for what he called "snipping cigars."
+      Scrymgeour gave him a cigar-cutter which was pistol-shaped. You put the
+      cigar end in a hole, pull the trigger, and the cigar was snipped. The
+      simplicity of the thing fascinated Primus, and after his return to school
+      I found that he had broken into my Cabana boxes and snipped nearly three
+      hundred cigars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As soon as he arrived Primus laid siege to the heart of William John,
+      captured it in six hours, and demoralized it in twenty-four. We, who had
+      known William John for years, considered him very practical, but Primus
+      fired him with tales of dark deeds at "old Poppy's"&mdash;which was
+      Primus's handy name for his preceptor&mdash;and in a short time William
+      John was so full of romance that we could not trust him to black our
+      boots. He and Primus had a scheme for seizing a lugger and becoming
+      pirates, when Primus was to be captain, William John first lieutenant, and
+      old Poppy a prisoner. To the crew was added a boy with a catapult, one
+      Johnny Fox, who was another victim of the <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page161" name="page161"></a></span> <a name="image-ch19-1"
+      id="image-ch19-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch19-1.png"
+      style="float:left; clear:left; width:150px;height:698px; padding:0;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;Many tall hats struck, to topple in the dust&quot;" /> tyrant
+      Poppy, and they practised walking the plank at Scrymgeour's window. The
+      plank was pushed nearly half-way out at the window, and you walked up it
+      until it toppled and you were flung into the quadrangle. Such was the
+      romance of William John that he walked the plank with his arms tied,
+      shouting scornfully, by request, "Captain Kidd, I defy you! ha, ha! the
+      buccaneer does not live who will blanch the cheeks of Dick, the Doughty
+      Tar!" Then William John disappeared, and had to be put in poultices.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While William John was in bed slowly recovering from his heroism, the
+      pirate captain and Johnny Fox got me into trouble by stretching a string
+      across the square, six feet from the ground, against which many tall hats
+      struck, to topple in the dust. An improved sling from the Lowther Arcade
+      kept the glazier constantly in the inn. Primus and Johnny Fox strolled
+      into Holborn, knocked a bootblack's cap off, and returned with lumps on
+      their foreheads. They <span class="pagenum"><a id="page162" name="page162"></a>
+      </span> were observed one day in Hyde Park&mdash;whither it may be
+      feared they had gone with cigarettes&mdash;running after sheep, from which
+      ladies were flying, while street-arabs chased the pirates, and a policeman
+      chased the street-arabs. The only book they read was the "Comic History of
+      Rome," the property of Gilray. This they liked so much that Primus papered
+      the inside of his box with pictures from it. The only authors they
+      consulted me about were "two big swells" called Descartes and James Payn,
+      of whom Primus discovered that the one could always work best in bed,
+      while the other thought Latin and Greek a mistake. It was the intention of
+      the pirates to call old Poppy's attention to these gentlemen's views.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Soon after Primus came to me I learned that his schoolmaster had given him
+      a holiday task. All the "fellows" in his form had to write an essay
+      entitled "My Holidays, and How I Turned Them to Account," and to send it
+      to their preceptor. Primus troubled his head little about the task while
+      the composition of it was yet afar off; but as his time drew near he
+      referred to it with indignation, and to his master's action in prescribing
+      it as a "low trick." He frightened the housekeeper into tears by saying
+      that he would not write a line of the task, and, what <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page163" name="page163"></a></span> <a name="image-ch19-2"
+      id="image-ch19-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch19-2a.png"
+      style="width: 400px;height:149px; float:right; clear:right; padding:0; margin: .5em 0em 0 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Running after sheep, from which ladies were flying&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch19-2b.png"
+      style="width: 131px;height:441px; float:right; clear:right; padding:0; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Running after sheep, from which ladies were flying&quot;" /> was
+      more, he would "cheek" his master for imposing it; and I also heard that
+      he and Johnny had some thought of writing the essay in a form suggested by
+      their perusal of the "Comic History of Rome." One day I found a paper in
+      my chambers which told me that the task was nevertheless receiving serious
+      consideration. It was the instructions given by Primus's master with
+      regard to the essay, which was to be "in the form of a letter," and "not
+      less than five hundred words in length." The writer, it was suggested,
+      should give a general sketch of how he was passing his time, what books he
+      was reading, and "how he was making the home brighter." I did not know
+      that Primus had risen equal to the occasion until one day after his
+      departure, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page164" name="page164"></a>
+      </span> when I received his epistle from the schoolmaster, who wanted
+      me to say whether it was a true statement. Here is Primus's essay on his
+      holidays and how he made the home brighter:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "<span class="sc">Respected Sir</span>:&mdash;I venture to address you on
+      a subject of jeneral interest to all engaged in education, and the subject
+      I venture to address you on is, 'My Hollidays and How I Turned Them to
+      Account.' Three weeks and two days has now elapsed since I quitted your
+      scholastic establishment, and I quitted your scholastic establishment with
+      tears in my eyes, it being the one of all the scholastic establishments I
+      have been at that I loved to reside in, and everybody was of an amiable
+      disposition. Hollidays is good for making us renew our studdies with
+      redoubled vigor, the mussels needing to be invigorated, and I have not
+      overworked mind and body in my hollidays. I found my uncle well, and drove
+      in a handsome to the door, and he thought I was much improved both in
+      appearance and manners; and I said it was jew to the loving care of my
+      teacher making improvement in appearance and manners a pleasure to the
+      youth of England. My uncle was partiklarly pleased with the improvement I
+      had made, not only in my appearance and manners, but also in my studies;
+      and I told him Casear was the Latin <span class="pagenum"><a id="page165"
+      name="page165"></a></span> writer I liked best, and quoted '<i>veni,
+      vidi, vici</i>,' and some others which I regret I cannot mind at present.
+      With your kind permission I should like to write you a line about how I
+      spend my <a name="image-ch19-3" id="image-ch19-3">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch19-3a.png"
+      style="float:right; clear:right; width: 150px; margin:.5em 0em 0em 1em;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;I should like to write you a line&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch19-3b.png"
+      style="float:right; clear:right; width: 106px; margin:0em 0em .5em 1em;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;I should like to write you a line&quot;" /> days during the
+      hollidays; and my first way of spending my days during the hollidays is
+      whatsoever my hands find to do doing it with all my might; also setting my
+      face nobly against hurting the fealings of others, and minding to say,
+      before I go to sleep, 'Something attempted, something done, to earn a
+      night's repose,' as advised by you, my esteemed communicant. I spend my
+      days during the hollidays getting up early, so as to be down in time for
+      breakfast, and not to give no trouble. At breakfast I behave like a model,
+      so as to set a good example; and then I go out for a walk with my esteemed
+      young friend, John Fox, whom I chose carefully for a friend, fearing to
+      corrupt my morals by holding communications with rude boys. The J. Fox
+      whom I mentioned is esteemed by all who knows him as of a unusually gentle
+      disposition; <span class="pagenum"><a id="page166" name="page166"></a>
+      </span> and you know him, respected sir, yourself, he being in my
+      form, and best known in regretble slang as 'Foxy.' We walks in Hyde Park
+      admiring the works of nature, and keeps up our classics when we see a tree
+      by calling it 'arbor' and then going through the declensions; but we never
+      climbs trees for fear of messing the clothes bestowed upon us by our
+      beloved parents in the sweat of their brow; and we scorns to fling stones
+      at the beautiful warblers which fill the atmosfere with music. In the
+      afternoons I spend my days during the hollidays talking with the
+      housekeeper about the things she understands, like not taking off my
+      flannels till June 15, and also praising the matron at the school for
+      seeing about the socks. In the evening I devote myself to whatever good
+      cause I can think of; and I always take off my boots and put on my
+      slippers, so as not to soil the carpet. I should like, respected sir, to
+      inform you of the books I read when my duties does not call me elsewhere;
+      and the books I read are the works of William Shakespeare, John Milton,
+      Albert Tennyson, and Francis Bacon. Me and John Fox also reads the
+      'History of Rome,' so as to prime ourselves with the greatness of the
+      past; and we hopes the glorious examples of Romulus and Remus, but
+      especially Hannibal, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page167" name="page167"></a>
+      </span> will sink into our minds to spur us along. I am desirous to
+      acquaint you with the way I make my uncle's home brighter; but the 500
+      words is up. So looking forward eagerly to resume my studdies, I am,
+      respected sir, your dilligent pupil."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch19-t" id="image-ch19-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch19-t.png" style="width:400px;height:405px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XIX. &quot;I am, respected sir, your diligent pupil&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page168" name="page168"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0020" id="h2HCH0020">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XX.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      PRIMUS TO HIS UNCLE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch20-h" id="image-ch20-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch20-h.png"
+      style="float: left; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em; padding:0; width:150px;height:406px;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XX." />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Though we all pretended to be glad when Primus went, we spoke of him
+      briefly at times, and I read his letters aloud at our evening meetings.
+      Here is a series of them from my desk. Primus was now a year and a half
+      older and his spelling had improved.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>November 16th.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:&mdash;Though I have not written to you
+      for a long time I often think about you and Mr. Gilray and the rest and
+      the Arcadia Mixture, and I beg to state that my mother will have informed
+      you I am well and happy but a little overworked, as I am desirous of
+      pleasing my preceptor by obtaining a credible position in the exams, and
+      we breakfast at 7:30 sharp. I suppose you are to give me a six-shilling
+      thing again as a Christmas present, so I drop you a <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page169" name="page169"></a></span> line not to buy something
+      I don't want, as it is only thirty-nine days to Christmas. I think I'll
+      have a book again, but not a fairy tale or any of that sort, nor the
+      "Swiss Family Robinson," nor any of the old books. There is a rattling
+      story called "Kidnapped," by H. Rider Haggard, but it is only five
+      shillings, so if you thought of it you could make up the six shillings by
+      giving me a football belt. Last year you gave me "The Formation of
+      Character," and I read it with great mental improvement and all that, but
+      this time I want a change, namely, (1) not a fairy tale, (2) not an old
+      book, (3) not mental improvement book. Don't fix on anything without
+      telling me first what it is. Tell William John I walked into Darky and
+      settled him in three rounds. Best regards to Mr. Gilray and the others.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      II.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>November 19th</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:&mdash;Our preceptor is against us
+      writing letters he doesn't see, so I have to carry the paper to the
+      dormitory up my waistcoat and write there, and I wish old Poppy smoked the
+      Arcadia Mixture to make him more like you. Never mind about the football
+      belt, as I got Johnny Fox's for two white mice; so I don't <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page170" name="page170"></a></span> want
+      "Kidnapped," which I wrote about to you, as I want you to stick to
+      six-shilling book. There is one called "Dead Man's Rock" that Dickson
+      Secundus has heard about, and it sounds well; but it is never safe to go
+      by the name, so don't buy it till I hear more about it. If you see
+      biographies of it in the newspapers you might send them to me, as it
+      should be about pirates by the title, but the author does not give his
+      name, which is rather suspicious. So, remember, don't buy it yet, and also
+      find out price, whether illustrated, and how many pages. Ballantyne's
+      story this year is about the fire-brigade; but I don't think I'll have it,
+      as he is getting rather informative, and I have one of his about the
+      fire-brigade already. Of course I don't fix not to have it, only don't buy
+      it at present. Don't buy "Dead Man's Rock" either. I am working
+      diligently, and tell the housekeeper my socks is all right. We may fix on
+      "Dead Man's Rock," but it is best not to be in a hurry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      III.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>November 24th</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:&mdash;I don't think I'll have "Dead
+      Man's Rock," as Hope has two stories out this year, and he is a safe man
+      to go to. The <span class="pagenum"><a id="page171" name="page171"></a>
+      </span> worst of it is that they are three-and-six each, and Dickson
+      Secundus says they are continuations of each other, so it is best to have
+      them both or neither. The two at three-and-six would make seven shillings,
+      and I wonder if you would care to go that length this year. I am getting
+      on first rate with my Greek, and will do capital <a name="image-ch20-1"
+      id="image-ch20-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch20-1a.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:400px;height:229px; padding:0;margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em ;"
+      alt="&quot;Reading Primus's letters&quot;" /> <img src="images/ch20-1b.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width: 87px;height: 99px; padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;Reading Primus's letters&quot;" /> if my health does not break
+      down with overpressure. Perhaps if you bought the two you would get them
+      for 6s. 6d. Or what do you say to the housekeeper's giving me a shilling
+      of it, and not sending the neckties?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      IV.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>November 26th.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:&mdash;I was disappointed at not
+      hearing from you this morning, but conclude <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page172" name="page172"></a></span> you are very busy. I don't
+      want Hope's books, but I think I'll rather have a football. We played
+      Gloucester on Tuesday and beat them all to sticks (five goals two tries to
+      one try!!!). It would cost 7s. 6d., and I'll make up the one-and-six
+      myself out of my pocket-money; but you can pay it all just now, and then
+      I'll pay you later when I am more flush than I am at present. I'd better
+      buy it myself, or you might not get the right kind, so you might send the
+      money in a postal order by return. You get the postal orders at the
+      nearest postoffice, and inclose them in a letter. I want the football at
+      once. (1) Not a book of any kind whatever; (2) a football, but I'll buy it
+      myself; (3) price 7s. 6d.; (4) send postal order.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      V.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>November 29th.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:&mdash;Kindly inform William John that
+      I am in receipt of his favor of yesterday prox., and also your message,
+      saying am I sure it is a football I want. I have to inform you that I have
+      changed my mind and think I'll stick to a book (or two books according to
+      price), after all. Dickson Secundus has seen a newspaper biography of
+      "Dead Man's Rock" and it is ripping, but, unfortunately, there is a lot in
+      it about a girl. So don't buy "Dead Man's Rock" for <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page173" name="page173"></a></span> me. I told Fox about
+      Hope's two books and he advises me to get one of them (3s. 6d.), and to
+      take the rest of the money (2s. 6d.) in cash, making in all six shillings.
+      I don't know if I should like that plan, though fair to both parties, as
+      Dickson Secundus once took money from his father instead of a book and it
+      went like winking with nothing left to show for it; but I'll think it over
+      between my scholastic tasks and write to you again, so do nothing till you
+      hear from me, and mind I don't want football.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      VI.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>December 3d</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:&mdash;Don't buy Hope's books. There is
+      a grand story out by Jules Verne about a man who made a machine that
+      enabled him to walk on his head through space with seventy-five
+      illustrations; but the worst of it is it costs half a guinea. Of course I
+      don't ask you to give so much as that; but it is a pity it cost so much,
+      as it is evidently a ripping book, and nothing like it. Ten-and-six is a
+      lot of money. What do you think? I inclose for your consideration a
+      newspaper account of it, which says it will fire the imagination and teach
+      boys to be manly and self-reliant. Of course you could not give it to me;
+      but I think it would do me good, and am working so hard that I have no
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page174" name="page174"></a></span>
+      time for physical exercise. It is to be got at all booksellers. P.S.&mdash;Fox
+      has read "Dead Man's Rock," and likes it A 1.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      VII.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>December 4th.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:&mdash;I was thinking about Jules
+      Verne's book last night after I went to bed, and I see a way of getting it
+      which both Dickson Secundus and Fox consider fair. I want you to give it
+      to me as my Christmas present for both this year and next year. Thus I
+      won't want a present from you next Christmas; but I don't mind that so
+      long as I get this book. One six-shilling book this year and another next
+      year would come to 12s., and Jules Verne's book is only 10s. 6d., so this
+      plan will save you 1s. 6d. in the long run. I think you should buy it at
+      once, in case they are all sold out before Christmas.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      VIII.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>December 5th.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="sc">My Dear Uncle</span>:&mdash;I hope you haven't bought the
+      book yet, as Dickson Secundus has found out that there is a shop in the
+      Strand where all the books are sold cheap. You get threepence off every
+      shilling, so you would get a ten-and-six book for 7s. 10-&frac12;d. That
+      will let <span class="pagenum"><a id="page175" name="page175"></a></span>
+      you get me a cheapish one next year, after all. I inclose the address.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      IX.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>December 7th</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:&mdash;Dickson Secundus was looking
+      to-day at "The Formation of Character," which you gave me last year, and
+      he has found out that it was bought in the shop in the Strand that I wrote
+      you about, so you got it for 4s. 6d. We have been looking up the books I
+      got from you at other Christmases, and they all have the stamp on them
+      which shows they were bought at that shop. Some of them I got when I was a
+      kid, and that was the time you gave me 2s. and 3s. 6d. books; but Dickson
+      Secundus and Fox have been helping me to count up how much you owe me as
+      follows:
+    </p>
+    <table border="0" summary="Books and their prices" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0">
+      <tr>
+        <td></td>
+        <td colspan="3">
+          <i>Nominal<br /> Price.</i>
+        </td>
+        <td colspan="2">
+          <i>Price<br /> Paid.</i>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td></td>
+        <td>
+          <i>£</i>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <i>s.</i>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <i>d.</i>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <i>s.</i>
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          <i>d.</i>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          1850 "Sunshine and Shadow" ...
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          2
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          1
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          6
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          1881 "Honesty Jack" ...
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          2
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          1
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          6
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          1882 "The Boy Makes the Man" ...
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          3
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          6
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          2
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          7&frac12;
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          1883 "Great Explorers" ...
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          3
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          6
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          2
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          7&frac12;
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          1884 "Shooting the Rapids" ...
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          3
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          6
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          2
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          7&frac12;
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          1885 "The Boy Voyagers" ...
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          5
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          3
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          9
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          1886 "The Formation of Character"...
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          6
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          4
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          6
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td></td>
+        <td colspan="3">
+          <hr class="full" />
+        </td>
+        <td colspan="2">
+          <hr class="full" />
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td></td>
+        <td>
+          1
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          5
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          6
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          19
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          1&frac12;
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td></td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          19
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          1&frac12;
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td></td>
+        <td colspan="3">
+          <hr class="full" />
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td></td>
+        <td>
+          0
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          6
+        </td>
+        <td>
+          4&frac12;
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page176" name="page176"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thus 6s. 4&frac12;d. is the exact sum. The best plan will be for you not
+      to buy anything for me till I get my holidays, when my father is to bring
+      me to London. Tell William John I am coming.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      P.S.&mdash;I told my father about the Arcadia Mixture, and that is why he
+      is coming to London.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch20-t" id="image-ch20-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch20-t.jpg" style="width:400px;height:726px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XX." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page177" name="page177"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0021" id="h2HCH0021">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      ENGLISH-GROWN TOBACCO.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch21-h" id="image-ch21-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch21-ha.png"
+      style="width: 400px;height:187px; float:left; clear:left; padding:0; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXI. &quot;English-grown tobacco&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch21-hb.png"
+      style="width: 195px;height:339px; float:left; clear:left; padding:0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXI. &quot;English-grown tobacco&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Pettigrew asked me to come to his house one evening and test some tobacco
+      that had been grown in his brother's Devonshire garden. I had so far had
+      no opportunity of judging for myself whether this attempt to grow tobacco
+      on English soil was to succeed. Very complimentary was Pettigrew's
+      assertion that he had restrained himself from trying the tobacco until we
+      could test it in company. At the dinner-table while Mrs. Pettigrew was
+      present we managed to talk for a time of other matters; but the tobacco
+      was on our minds, and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page178" name="page178"></a>
+      </span> I was glad to see that, despite her raillery, my hostess had a
+      genuine interest in the coming experiment. She drew an amusing picture, no
+      doubt a little exaggerated, of her husband's difficulty in refraining from
+      testing the tobacco until my arrival, declaring that every time she
+      entered the smoking-room she found him staring at it. Pettigrew took this
+      in good part, and informed me that she had carried the tobacco several
+      times into the drawing-room to show it proudly to her friends. He was very
+      delighted, he said, that I was to remain over night, as that would give us
+      a long evening to test the tobacco thoroughly. A neighbor of his had also
+      been experimenting; and Pettigrew, who has a considerable sense of humor,
+      told me a diverting story about this gentleman and his friends having
+      passed judgment on home-grown tobacco after smoking one pipe of it! We
+      were laughing over the ridiculously unsatisfactory character of this test
+      (so called) when we adjourned to the smoking-room. Before we did so Mrs.
+      Pettigrew bade me good-night. She had also left strict orders with the
+      servants that we were on no account to be disturbed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As soon as we were comfortably seated in our smoking-chairs, which takes
+      longer than some people think, Pettigrew offered me a <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page179" name="page179"></a></span> Cabana. I would have
+      preferred to begin at once with the tobacco; but of course he was my host,
+      and I put myself entirely in his hands. I noticed that, from the moment
+      his wife left us, he was a little excited, talking more than is his wont.
+      He seemed to think that he was not doing his duty as a host if the
+      conversation flagged for a moment, and what was still more curious, he
+      spoke of everything except his garden tobacco. I emphasize this here at
+      starting, lest any one should think that I was in any way responsible for
+      the manner in which our experiment was conducted. If fault there was, it
+      lies at Pettigrew's door. I remember distinctly asking him&mdash;not in a
+      half-hearted way, but boldly&mdash;to produce his tobacco. I did this at
+      an early hour of the proceedings, immediately after I had lighted a second
+      cigar. The reason I took that cigar will be obvious to every gentleman who
+      smokes. Had I declined it, Pettigrew might have thought that I disliked
+      the brand, which would have been painful to him. However, he did not at
+      once bring out the tobacco; indeed, his precise words, I remember, were
+      that we had lots of time. As his guest I could not press him further.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Pettigrew smokes more quickly than I do, and he had reached the end of his
+      second cigar <span class="pagenum"><a id="page180" name="page180"></a>
+      </span> when there was still five minutes of mine left. It distresses
+      me to have to say what followed. He hastily lighted a third cigar, and
+      then, unlocking a cupboard, produced about two ounces of his garden
+      tobacco. His object was only too plain. Having just begun a third cigar he
+      could not be expected to try the tobacco at present, but there was nothing
+      to prevent my trying it. I regarded Pettigrew rather contemptuously, and
+      then I looked with much interest at the tobacco. It was of an inky color.
+      When I looked up I caught Pettigrew's eye on me. He withdrew it hurriedly,
+      but soon afterward I saw him looking in the same sly way again. There was
+      a rather painful silence for a time, and then he asked me if I had
+      anything to say. I replied firmly that I was looking forward to trying the
+      tobacco with very great interest. By this time my cigar was reduced to a
+      stump, but, for reasons that Pettigrew misunderstood, I continued to smoke
+      it. Somehow our chairs had got out of position now, and we were sitting
+      with our backs to each other. I felt that Pettigrew was looking at me
+      covertly over his shoulder, and took a side glance to make sure of this.
+      Our eyes met, and I bit my lip. If there is one thing I loathe, it is to
+      be looked at in this shame-faced manner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page181" name="page181"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I continued to smoke the stump of my cigar until it scorched my under-lip,
+      and at intervals Pettigrew said, without looking round, that my cigar
+      seemed everlasting. I treated his innuendo with contempt; but at last I
+      had to let the cigar-end go. Not to make a fuss, I dropped it very
+      quietly; but Pettigrew must have been listening for the sound. He wheeled
+      round at once, and pushed the garden tobacco toward me. Never, perhaps,
+      have I thought so little of him as at that moment. My indignation probably
+      showed in my face, for he drew back, saying that he thought I "wanted to
+      try it." Now I had never said that I did not want to try it. The reader
+      has seen that I went to Pettigrew's house solely with the object of trying
+      the tobacco. Had Pettigrew, then, any ground for insinuating that I did
+      not mean to try it? Restraining my passion, I lighted a third cigar, and
+      then put the question to him bluntly. Did he, or did he not, mean to try
+      that tobacco? I dare say I was a little brusque; but it must be remembered
+      that I had come all the way from the inn, at considerable inconvenience,
+      to give the tobacco a thorough trial.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As is the way with men of Pettigrew's type, when you corner them, he
+      attempted to put the blame on me. "Why had I not tried the tobacco," <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page182" name="page182"></a></span> <a
+      name="image-ch21-1" id="image-ch21-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch21-1a.png"
+      style="width: 400px;height:128px; float:left; clear:left; padding:0; margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;I smoked my third cigar very slowly&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch21-1b.png"
+      style="width: 165px;height:550px; float:left; clear:left; padding:0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;I smoked my third cigar very slowly&quot;" /> he asked, "instead
+      of taking a third cigar?" For reply, I asked bitingly if that was not his
+      third cigar. He admitted it was, but said that he smoked more quickly than
+      I did, as if that put his behavior in a more favorable light. I smoked my
+      third cigar very slowly, not because I wanted to put off the experiment;
+      for, as every one must have noted, I was most anxious to try it, but just
+      to see what would happen. When Pettigrew had finished his cigar&mdash;and
+      I thought he would never be done with it&mdash;he gazed at the garden
+      tobacco for a time, and then took a pipe from the mantelpiece. He held it
+      first in one hand, then in the other, and then he brightened up and said
+      he would clean his pipes. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page183"
+      name="page183"></a></span> This he did very slowly. When he had
+      cleaned all his pipes he again looked at the garden tobacco, which I
+      pushed toward him. He glared at me as if I had not been doing a friendly
+      thing, and then said, in an apologetic manner, that he would smoke a pipe
+      until my cigar was finished. I said "All right" cordially, thinking that
+      he now meant to begin the experiment; but conceive my feelings when he
+      produced a jar of the Arcadia Mixture. He filled his pipe with this and
+      proceeded to light it, looking at me defiantly. His excuse about waiting
+      till I had finished was too pitiful to take notice of. I finished my cigar
+      in a few minutes, and now was the time when I would have liked to begin
+      the experiment. As Pettigrew's guest, however, I could not take that
+      liberty, though he impudently pushed the garden tobacco toward me. I
+      produced my pipe, my intention being only to half fill it with Arcadia, so
+      that Pettigrew and I might finish our pipes at the same time. Custom,
+      however, got the better of me, and inadvertently I filled my pipe, only
+      noticing this when it was too late to remedy the mistake. Pettigrew thus
+      finished before me; and though I advised him to begin on the garden
+      tobacco without waiting for me, he insisted on smoking half a pipeful of
+      Arcadia, just to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page184" name="page184"></a>
+      </span> keep me company. It was an extraordinary thing that, try as we
+      might, we could not finish our pipes at the same time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About 2 A.M. Pettigrew said something about going to bed; and I rose and
+      put down my pipe. We stood looking at the fireplace for a time, and he
+      expressed regret that I had to leave so early in the morning. Then he put
+      out two of the lights, and after that we both looked at the garden
+      tobacco. He seemed to have a sudden idea; for rather briskly he tied the
+      tobacco up into a neat paper parcel and handed it to me, saying that I
+      would perhaps give it a trial at the inn. I took it without a word, but
+      opening my hand suddenly I let it fall. My first impulse was to pick it
+      up; but then it struck me that Pettigrew had not noticed what had
+      happened, and that, were he to see me pick it up, he might think that I
+      had not taken sufficient care of it. So I let it lie, and, bidding him
+      good-night, went off to bed. I was at the foot of the stair when I thought
+      that, after all, I should like the tobacco, so I returned. I could not see
+      the package anywhere, but something was fizzing up the chimney, and
+      Pettigrew had the tongs in his hand. He muttered something about his wife
+      taking up wrong notions. Next morning that lady was very satirical <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page185" name="page185"></a></span> about
+      our having smoked the whole two ounces.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch21-t" id="image-ch21-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch21-t.png" style="width:400px;height:467px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXI." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page186" name="page186"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0022" id="h2HCH0022">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch22-h" id="image-ch22-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch22-h.png" style="width:400px;height:371px;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXII. &quot;How heroes smoke&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      HOW HEROES SMOKE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      On a tiger-skin from the ice-clad regions of the sunless north recline the
+      heroes of Ouida, rose-scented cigars in their mouths; themselves
+      gloriously indolent and disdainful, but perhaps huddled a little too
+      closely together on account of the limited accommodation. Strathmore is
+      here. But I never felt sure of Strathmore. Was there not less in him than
+      met the eye? <span class="pagenum"><a id="page187" name="page187"></a>
+      </span> His place, Whiteladies, was a home for kings and queens; but
+      he was not the luxurious, magnanimous creature he feigned to be. A host
+      may be known by the cigars he keeps; and, though it is perhaps a startling
+      thing to say, we have good reason for believing that Strathmore did not
+      buy good cigars. I question very much whether he had many Havanas, even of
+      the second quality, at Whiteladies; if he had, he certainly kept them
+      locked up. Only once does he so much as refer to them when at his own
+      place, and then in the most general and suspicious way. "Bah!" he exclaims
+      to a friend; "there is Phil smoking these wretched musk-scented cigarettes
+      again! they are only fit for Lady Georgie or Eulalie Papellori. What
+      taste, when there are my Havanas and cheroots!" The remark, in whatever
+      way considered, is suggestive. In the first place, it is made late in the
+      evening, after Strathmore and his friend have left the smoking-room. Thus
+      it is a safe observation. I would not go so far as to say that he had no
+      Havanas in the house; the likelihood is that he had a few in his
+      cigar-case, kept there for show rather than use. These, if I understand
+      the man, would be a good brand, but of small size&mdash;perhaps Reinas&mdash;and
+      they would hardly be of a well-known crop. In <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page188" name="page188"></a></span> color they would be dark&mdash;say
+      maduro&mdash;and he would explain that he bought them because he liked
+      full-flavored weeds. Possibly he had a Villar y Villar box with six or
+      eight in the bottom of it; but boxes are not cigars. What he did provide
+      his friends with was Manillas. He smoked them himself, and how careful he
+      was of them is seen on every other page. He is constantly stopping in the
+      middle of his conversation to "curl a loose leaf round his Manilla;" when
+      one would have expected a hero like Strathmore to fling away a cigar when
+      its leaves began to untwist, and light another. So thrifty is Strathmore
+      that he even laboriously "curls the leaves round his cigarettes"&mdash;he
+      does not so much as pretend that they are Egyptian; nay, even when
+      quarrelling with Errol, his beloved friend (whom he shoots through the
+      heart), he takes a cigarette from his mouth and "winds a loosened leaf"
+      round it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch22-1" id="image-ch22-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch22-1.png"
+      style="float:right;width: 150px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Once, indeed, we do see Strathmore smoking a good cigar&quot;" />
+      If Strathmore's Manillas were Capitan Generals they would cost him about
+      24s. a hundred. The probability, however, is that they were of inferior
+      quality; say, 17s. 6d. It need hardly be said that a good Manilla does not
+      constantly require to have its leaves "curled." When Errol goes into the
+      garden to smoke, he has every other minute to "strike a fusee;" from <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page189" name="page189"></a></span> which
+      it may be inferred that his cigar frequently goes out. This is in itself
+      suspicious. Errol, too, is more than once seen by his host wandering in
+      the grounds at night, with a cigar between his teeth. Strathmore thinks
+      his susceptible friend has a love affair on hand; but is it not at least
+      as probable an explanation that Errol had a private supply of cigars at
+      Whiteladies, and from motives of delicacy did not like to smoke them in
+      his host's presence? Once, indeed, we do see Strathmore smoking a good
+      cigar, though we are not told how he came by it. When talking of the
+      Vavasour, he "sticks his penknife through his Cabana," with the object,
+      obviously, of smoking it to the bitter end. Another lady novelist, who is
+      also an authority on tobacco, Miss Rhoda Broughton, contemptuously
+      dismisses a claimant for the heroship of one of her stories, as the kind
+      of man who turns up his trousers at the foot. It would have been just as
+      withering to say that he stuck a penknife through his cigars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is another true hero with me, whose <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page190" name="page190"></a></span> <a name="image-ch22-2"
+      id="image-ch22-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch22-2a.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height: 38px;margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;A half-smoked cigar&quot;" /> <img src="images/ch22-2b.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:100px;height:402px;margin: 0em 1.5em 0em 0em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;A half-smoked cigar&quot;" /> <img src="images/ch22-2c.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height: 38px;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;A half-smoked cigar&quot;" /> creator has unintentionally
+      misrepresented him. It is he of "Comin' thro' the Rye," a gentleman whom
+      the maidens of the nineteenth century will not willingly let die. He is
+      grand, no doubt; and yet, the more one thinks about him, the plainer it
+      becomes that had the heroine married him she would have been bitterly
+      disenchanted. In her company he was magnanimous; god-like, prodigal; but
+      in his smoking-room he showed himself in his true colors. Every lady will
+      remember the scene where he rushes to the heroine's home and implores her
+      to return with him to the bedside of his dying wife. The sudden
+      announcement that his wife&mdash;whom he had thought in a good state of
+      health&mdash;is dying, is surely enough to startle even a miser out of his
+      niggardliness, much less a hero; and yet what do we find Vasher doing? The
+      heroine, in frantic excitement, has to pass through his smoking room, and
+      on the table she sees&mdash;what? "A half-smoked cigar." He was in the
+      middle of it when a servant came to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page191"
+      name="page191"></a></span> tell him of his wife's dying request;
+      and, before hastening to execute her wishes, he carefully laid what was
+      left of his cigar upon the table&mdash;meaning, of course, to relight it
+      when he came back. Though she did not think so, our heroine's father was a
+      much more remarkable man than Vasher. He "blew out long, comfortable
+      clouds" that made the whole of his large family "cough and wink again." No
+      ordinary father could do that.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Among my smoking-room favorites is the hero of Miss Adeline Sergeant's
+      story, "Touch and Go." He is a war correspondent; and when he sees a body
+      of the enemy bearing down upon him and the wounded officer whom he has
+      sought to save, he imperturbably offers his companion a cigar. They calmly
+      smoke on while the foe gallop up. There is something grand in this, even
+      though the kind of cigar is not mentioned.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I see a bearded hero, with slouch hat and shepherd's crook, a clay pipe in
+      his mouth. He is a Bohemian&mdash;ever a popular type of hero; and the
+      Bohemian is to be known all the world over by the pipe, which he prefers
+      to a cigar. The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the
+      door, "blowing great clouds of smoke into the air," is the hero of a
+      hundred novels. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page192" name="page192"></a>
+      </span> <a name="image-ch22-3" id="image-ch22-3">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <span style=""> <img src="images/ch22-3.png"
+      style="width: 100px;clear:left; float: left; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em; padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the door&quot;" />
+      </span> That is how he is always standing when the heroine, having need of
+      something she has left in the drawing-room, glides down the stairs at
+      night in her dressing-gown (her beautiful hair, released from its ribbons,
+      streaming down her neck and shoulders), and comes most unexpectedly upon
+      him. He is young. The senior, over whose face "a smile flickers for a
+      moment" when the heroine says something naïve, and whom she (entirely
+      misunderstanding her feelings) thinks she hates, smokes unostentatiously;
+      but though a little inclined to quiet "chaff," he is a man of deep
+      feeling. By and by he will open out and gather her up in his arms. The
+      scorner's chair is filled. I see him, shadow-like, a sad-eyed, <i>blasé</i>
+      gentleman, who has been adored by all the beauties of fifteen seasons, and
+      yet speaks of woman with a contemptuous sneer. Great, however, is love;
+      and the vulgar little girl who talks slang will prove to him in our next
+      volume that there is still one peerless beyond all others of her sex. Ah,
+      a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page193" name="page193"></a></span>
+      wondrous thing is love! On every side of me there are dark, handsome men,
+      with something sinister in their smile, "casting away their cigars with a
+      muffled curse." No novel would be complete without them. When they are
+      foiled by the brave girl of the narrative, it is the recognized course
+      with them to fling away their cigars with a muffled curse. Any kind of
+      curse would do, but muffled ones are preferred.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch22-t" id="image-ch22-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch22-t.png" style="width:300px;height:798px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXII." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page194" name="page194"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0023" id="h2HCH0023">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS EVE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch23-h" id="image-ch23-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch23-h.png"
+      style="width: 150px; float:left; margin-right: 1em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXIII." />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A few years ago, as some may remember, a startling ghost-paper appeared in
+      the monthly organ of the Society for Haunting Houses. The writer
+      guaranteed the truth of his statement, and even gave the name of the
+      Yorkshire manor-house in which the affair took place. The article and the
+      discussion to which it gave rise agitated me a good deal, and I consulted
+      Pettigrew about the advisability of clearing up the mystery. The writer
+      wrote that he "distinctly saw his arm pass through the apparition and come
+      out at the other side," and indeed I still remember his saying so next
+      morning. He had a scared face, but I had presence of mind to continue
+      eating my rolls and marmalade as if my brier had nothing to do with the
+      miraculous affair.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page195" name="page195"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height:2em; clear:both;">
+      &nbsp;
+    </div>
+    <div class="figinset" style="width:500px!important; margin:auto; clear:both;">
+      <a name="image-ch23-1" id="image-ch23-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch23-1a.png"
+      style="width:400px;height:169px;float:left;clear:both;margin:0px 50px 0px 50px!important;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;The ghost of Christmas eve&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch23-1b.png"
+      style="width:106px;height:535px;float:left;clear:left;margin:0px 5px 0px 50px!important;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;The ghost of Christmas eve&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch23-1c.png"
+      style="width: 85px;height:535px;float:right;margin:0px 50px 0px 5px!important;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;The ghost of Christmas eve&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch23-1d.png"
+      style="width:400px;height: 80px;float:left;clear:left;margin:0px 50px 50px 50px!important;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;The ghost of Christmas eve&quot;" /> <span
+      style="text-indent:1em; text-align:justify;font-size:120%;"> Seeing that
+      he made a "paper" of it, I suppose he is justified in touching up the
+      incidental details. He says, for instance, that we were told the story of
+      the ghost which is said to haunt the house, just before going to bed. As
+      far as I remember, it was only mentioned at luncheon, and then
+      sceptically. Instead of there being snow falling outside and an eerie wind
+      wailing through the skeleton trees, the night was still and muggy.</span>
+    </div>
+    <p style="text-indent:0em; text-align:justify;font-size:120%;clear:both;">
+      Lastly, I did not know, until the journal reached my hands, that he was
+      put <span class="pagenum"><a id="page196" name="page196"></a></span>
+      into the room known as the Haunted Chamber, nor that in that room the fire
+      is noted for casting weird shadows upon the walls. This, however, may be
+      so. The legend of the manor-house ghost he tells precisely as it is known
+      to me. The tragedy dates back to the time of Charles I., and is led up to
+      by a pathetic love-story, which I need not give. Suffice it that for seven
+      days and nights the old steward had been anxiously awaiting the return of
+      his young master and mistress from their honeymoon. On Christmas eve,
+      after he had gone to bed, there was a great clanging of the door-bell.
+      Flinging on a dressing-gown, he hastened downstairs. According to the
+      story, a number of servants watched him, and saw by the light of his
+      candle that his face was an ashy white. He took off the chains of the
+      door, unbolted it, and pulled it open. What he saw no human being knows;
+      but it must have been something awful, for, without a cry, the old steward
+      fell dead in the hall. Perhaps the strangest part of the story is this:
+      that the shadow of a burly man, holding a pistol in his hand, entered by
+      the open door, stepped over the steward's body, and, gliding up the
+      stairs, disappeared, no one could say where. Such is the legend. I shall
+      not tell the many ingenious explanations of it that <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page197" name="page197"></a></span> have been offered. Every
+      Christmas eve, however, the silent scene is said to be gone through again;
+      and tradition declares that no person lives for twelve months at whom the
+      ghostly intruder points his pistol.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch23-2" id="image-ch23-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch23-2a.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:both;width:70px;height:389px;padding:0; margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;My pipe&quot;" /> <img src="images/ch23-2b.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:150px;height:39px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;My pipe&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On Christmas Day the gentleman who tells the tale in a scientific journal
+      created some sensation at the breakfast-table by solemnly asserting that
+      he had seen the ghost. Most of the men present scouted his story, which
+      may be condensed into a few words. He had retired to his bedroom at a
+      fairly early hour, and as he opened the door his candle-light was blown
+      out. He tried to get a light from the fire, but it was too low, and
+      eventually he went to bed in the semi-darkness. He was wakened&mdash;he
+      did not know at what hour&mdash;by the clanging of a bell. He sat up in
+      bed, and the ghost-story came in a rush to his mind. His fire was dead,
+      and the room was consequently dark; yet by and by he knew, though he heard
+      no sound, that his door had opened. He cried out, "Who is that?" but got
+      no answer. By an effort he jumped up and went to the door, which was ajar.
+      His bedroom was on the first floor, and looking up the stairs he could see
+      nothing. He felt a cold sensation at his heart, however, when he looked
+      the other way. Going slowly and without a <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page198" name="page198"></a></span> sound down the stairs, was
+      an old man in a dressing-gown. He carried a candle. From the top of the
+      stairs only part of the hall is visible, but as the apparition disappeared
+      the watcher had the courage to go down a few steps after him. At first
+      nothing was to be seen, for the candle-light had vanished. A dim light,
+      however, entered by the long, narrow windows which flank the hall door,
+      and after a moment the on-looker could see that the hall was empty. He was
+      marvelling at this sudden disappearance of the steward, when, to his
+      horror, he saw a body fall upon the hall floor within a few feet of the
+      door. The watcher cannot say whether he cried out, nor how long he stood
+      there trembling. He came to himself with a start as he realized that
+      something was coming up the stairs. Fear prevented his taking flight, and
+      in a moment the thing was at his side. Then he saw indistinctly that it
+      was not the figure he had seen descend. He saw a younger man, in a heavy
+      overcoat, but with no hat on his head. He wore on his face a look of
+      extravagant triumph. The guest boldly put out his hand toward the figure.
+      To his amazement his arm went through it. The ghost paused for a moment
+      and looked behind it. It was then the watcher realized that it carried a
+      pistol in its <span class="pagenum"><a id="page199" name="page199"></a>
+      </span> right hand. He was by this time in a highly strung condition,
+      and he stood trembling lest the pistol should be pointed at him. The
+      apparition, however, rapidly glided up the stairs and was soon lost to
+      sight. Such are the main facts of the story, none of which I contradicted
+      at the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch23-3" id="image-ch23-3">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch23-3.png" style="width:400px;height:240px;"
+      alt="&quot;My brier, which I found beneath my pillow&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I cannot say absolutely that I can clear up
+       <!-- ch23-2 image moved up from here --> this mystery, but my suspicions
+      are confirmed by a good deal of circumstantial evidence. This will not be
+      understood unless I explain my strange infirmity. Wherever I went I used
+      to be troubled with a presentiment that I had left my pipe behind. Often,
+      even at the dinner-table, I paused in the middle of a sentence as if
+      stricken with sudden pain. Then my hand went down to my pocket. Sometimes
+      even after I felt my pipe, I had a conviction that it was stopped, and
+      only by a desperate effort did I keep myself from producing it and blowing
+      down it. I distinctly remember once dreaming three nights in succession
+      that I was on the Scotch express without it. More than once, I know, I
+      have <span class="pagenum"><a id="page200" name="page200"></a></span>
+      wandered in my sleep, looking for it in all sorts of places, and after I
+      went to bed I generally jumped out, just to make sure of it. My strong
+      belief, then, is that I was the ghost seen by the writer of the paper. I
+      fancy that I rose in my sleep, lighted a candle, and wandered down to the
+      hall to feel if my pipe was safe in my coat, which was hanging there.
+       <!-- ch23-3 image moved up from here --> The light had gone out when I
+      was in the hall. Probably the body seen to fall on the hall floor was some
+      other coat which I had flung there to get more easily at my own. I cannot
+      account for the bell; but perhaps the gentleman in the Haunted Chamber
+      dreamed that part of the affair. I had put on the overcoat before
+      reascending; indeed I may say that next morning <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page201" name="page201"></a></span> I was surprised to find it
+      on a chair in my bedroom, also to notice that there were several long
+      streaks of candle-grease on my dressing-gown. I conclude that the pistol,
+      which gave my face such a look of triumph, was my brier, which I found in
+      the morning beneath my pillow. The strangest thing of all, perhaps, is
+      that when I awoke there was a smell of tobacco-smoke in the bedroom.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch23-t" id="image-ch23-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch23-t.png" style="width:400px;height:202px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXIII." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page202" name="page202"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0024" id="h2HCH0024">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      NOT THE ARCADIA.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch24-h" id="image-ch24-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch24-ha.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:200px;height:146px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXIV. &quot;But the pipes were old friends&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch24-hb.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:113px;height:105px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXIV. &quot;But the pipes were old friends&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Those who do not know the Arcadia may have a mixture that their uneducated
+      palate loves, but they are always ready to try other mixtures. The
+      Arcadian, however, will never help himself from an outsider's pouch.
+      Nevertheless, there was one black week when we all smoked the ordinary
+      tobaccoes. Owing to a terrible oversight on the part of our purveyor,
+      there was no Arcadia to smoke.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We ought to have put our pipes aside and existed on cigars; but the pipes
+      were old friends, and desert them we could not. Each of us bought a
+      different mixture, but they tasted alike and were equally abominable. I
+      fell ill. Doctor Southwick, knowing no better, called my malady <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page203" name="page203"></a></span> by a
+      learned name, but I knew to what I owed it. Never shall I forget my
+      delight when Jimmy broke into my room one day with a pound-tin of the
+      Arcadia. Weak though I was, I opened my window and, seizing the half-empty
+      packet of tobacco that had made me ill, hurled it into the street. The
+      tobacco scattered before it fell, but I sat at the window gloating over
+      the packet, which lay a dirty scrap of paper, where every cab might pass
+      over it. What I call the street is more strictly a square, for my windows
+      were at the back of the inn, and their view was somewhat plebeian. The
+      square is the meeting-place of five streets, and at the corner of each the
+      paper was caught up in a draught that bore it along to the next.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here, it may be thought, I gladly forgot the cause of my troubles, but I
+      really watched the paper for days. My doctor came in while I was still
+      staring at it, and instead of prescribing more medicine, he made a bet
+      with me. It was that the scrap of paper would disappear before the
+      dissolution of the government. I said it would be fluttering around after
+      the government was dissolved, and if I lost, the doctor was to get a new
+      stethoscope. If I won, my bill was to be accounted discharged. Thus,
+      strange as it seemed, I had now cause to take a friendly <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page204" name="page204"></a></span>
+      interest in paper that I had previously loathed. Formerly the sight of it
+      made me miserable; now I dreaded losing it. But I looked for it when I
+      rose in the morning, and I could tell at once by its appearance what kind
+      of night it had passed. Nay, more: I believed I was able to decide how the
+      wind had been since sundown, whether there had been much traffic, and if
+      the fire-engine had been out. There is a fire-station within view of the
+      windows, and the paper had a specially crushed appearance, as if the heavy
+      engine ran over it. However, though I felt certain that I could pick my
+      scrap of paper out of a thousand scraps, the doctor insisted on making
+      sure. The bet was consigned to writing on the very piece of paper that
+      suggested it. The doctor went out and captured it himself. On the back of
+      it the conditions of the wager were formally drawn up and signed by both
+      of us. Then we opened the window and the paper was cast forth again. The
+      doctor solemnly promised not to interfere with it, and I gave him a
+      convalescent's word of honor to report progress honestly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Several days elapsed, and I no longer found time heavy on my hands. My
+      attention was divided between two papers, the scrap in the square and my
+      daily copy of the <i>Times</i>. Any <span class="pagenum"><a id="page205"
+      name="page205"></a></span> morning the one might tell me that I
+      had lost my bet, or the other that I had won it; and I hurried to the
+      window fearing that the paper had migrated to another square, and hoping
+      my <i>Times</i> might contain the information that the government was out.
+      I felt that neither could last very much longer. It was remarkable how
+      much my interest in politics had increased since I made this wager.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The doctor, I believe, relied chiefly on the <a name="image-ch24-1"
+      id="image-ch24-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch24-1.png"
+      style="float:right;width:200px;height:179px; padding:0; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;It had the paper in its mouth&quot;" /> scavengers. He thought
+      they were sure to pounce upon the scrap soon. I did not, however, see why
+      I should fear them. They came into the square so seldom, and stayed so
+      short a time when they did come, that I disregarded them. If the doctor
+      knew how much they kept away he might say I bribed them. But perhaps he
+      knew their ways. I got a fright one day from a dog. It was one of those
+      low-looking animals that infest the square occasionally in half-dozens,
+      but seldom alone. It ran up one of the side streets, and before I realized
+      what had happened it had the paper in its mouth. Then it stood still and
+      looked <span class="pagenum"><a id="page206" name="page206"></a></span>
+      around. For me that was indeed a trying moment. I stood at the window.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The impulse seized me to fling open the sash and shake my fist at the
+      brute; but luckily I remembered in time my promise to the doctor. I
+      question if man was ever so interested in mongrel before. At one of the
+      street corners there was a house to let, being meantime, as I had reason
+      to believe, in the care of the wife of a police constable. A cat was often
+      to be seen coming up from the area to lounge in the doorway. To that cat I
+      firmly believe I owe it that I did not then lose my wager. Faithful
+      animal! it came up to the door, it stretched itself; in the act of doing
+      so it caught sight of the dog, and put up its back. The dog, resenting
+      this demonstration of feeling, dropped the scrap of paper and made for the
+      cat. I sank back into my chair.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There was a greater disaster to be recorded next day. A workingman in the
+      square, looking about him for a pipe-light, espied the paper frisking near
+      the curb-stone. He picked it up with the obvious intention of lighting it
+      at the stove of a wandering vender of hot chestnuts who had just crossed
+      the square. The workingman followed, twisting the paper as he went, when&mdash;good
+      luck again&mdash;a young butcher <span class="pagenum"><a id="page207"
+      name="page207"></a></span> almost ran into him, and the loafer,
+      with true presence of mind, at once asked him for a match. At any rate a
+      match passed between them; and, to my infinite relief, the paper was flung
+      away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I concealed the cause of my excitement from William John. He nevertheless
+      wondered to see me run to the window every time the wind seemed to be
+      rising, and getting anxious when it rained. Seeing that my health
+      prevented my leaving the house, he could not make out why I should be so
+      interested in the weather. Once I thought he was fairly on the scent. A
+      sudden blast of wind had caught up the paper and whirled it high in the
+      air. I may have uttered an ejaculation, for he came hurrying to the
+      window. He found me pointing unwittingly to what was already a white speck
+      sailing to the roof of the fire-station. "Is it a pigeon?" he asked. I
+      caught at the idea. "Yes, a carrier-pigeon," I murmured in reply; "they
+      sometimes, I believe, send messages to the fire-stations in that way."
+      Coolly as I said this, I was conscious of grasping the window-sill in pure
+      nervousness till the scrap began to flutter back into the square.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Next it was squeezed between two of the bars of a drain. That was the last
+      I saw of it, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page208" name="page208"></a>
+      </span> and the following morning the doctor had won his stethoscope&mdash;only
+      by a few hours, however, for the government's end was announced in the
+      evening papers. My defeat discomfited me for a little, but soon I was
+      pleased that I had lost. I would not care to win a bet over any mixture
+      but the Arcadia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch24-t" id="image-ch24-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch24-t.png" style="width:400px;height:548px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXIV. &quot;I was pleased that I had lost&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page209" name="page209"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0025" id="h2HCH0025">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch25-h" id="image-ch25-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch25-ha.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:400px;height:372px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXV. &quot;A face that haunted Marriot&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch25-hb.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:280px;height:233px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXV. &quot;A face that haunted Marriot&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXV.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      A FACE THAT HAUNTED MARRIOT.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      "This is not a love affair," Marriot shouted, apologetically.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He had sat the others out again, but when I saw his intention I escaped
+      into my bedroom, and now refused to come out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Look here," he cried, changing his tone, "if you don't come out I'll tell
+      you all about it through the keyhole. It is the most extraordinary story,
+      and I can't keep it to myself. On <span class="pagenum"><a id="page210"
+      name="page210"></a></span> my word of honor it isn't a love affair&mdash;at
+      least not exactly."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I let him talk after I had gone to bed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You must know," he said, dropping cigarette ashes onto my pillow every
+      minute, "that some time ago I fell in with Jack Goring's father, Colonel
+      Goring. Jack and I had been David and Jonathan at Cambridge, and though we
+      had not met for years, I looked forward with pleasure to meeting him
+      again. He was a widower, and his father and he kept joint house. But the
+      house was dreary now, for the colonel was alone in it. Jack was off on a
+      scientific expedition to the Pacific; all the girls had been married for
+      years. After dinner my host and I had rather a dull hour in the
+      smoking-room. I could not believe that Jack had grown very stout. 'I'll
+      show you his photograph,' said the colonel. An album was brought down from
+      a dusty shelf, and then I had to admit that my old friend had become
+      positively corpulent. But it is not Jack I want to speak about. I turned
+      listlessly over the pages of the album, stopping suddenly at the face of a
+      beautiful girl. You are not asleep, are you?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I am not naturally sentimental, as you know, and even now I am not
+      prepared to admit that I fell in love with this face. It was not, I think,
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page211" name="page211"></a></span>
+      that kind of attraction. Possibly I should have passed the photograph by
+      had it not suggested old times to me&mdash;old times with a veil over
+      them, for I could not identify the face. That I had at some period of my
+      life known the original I felt certain, but I tapped my memory in vain.
+      The lady was a lovely blonde, with a profusion of fair hair, and delicate
+      features that were Roman when they were not Greek. To describe a beautiful
+      woman is altogether beyond me. No doubt this face had faults. I fancy, for
+      instance, that there was little character in the chin, and that the eyes
+      were 'melting' rather than expressive. It was a vignette, the hands being
+      clasped rather fancifully at the back of the head. My fingers drummed on
+      the album as I sat there pondering; but when or where I had met the
+      original I could not decide. The colonel could give me no information. The
+      album was Jack's, he said, and probably had not been opened for years. The
+      photograph, too, was an old one; he was sure it had been in the house long
+      before his son's marriage, so that (and here the hard-hearted old
+      gentleman chuckled) it could no longer be like the original. As he seemed
+      inclined to become witty at my expense, I closed the album, and soon
+      afterward I went away. I say, wake up!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page212" name="page212"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch25-1" id="image-ch25-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch25-1a.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:107px;height: 69px;padding:0;margin: 1em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;There was the French girl at Algiers&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch25-1b.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width: 55px;height:130px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;There was the French girl at Algiers&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch25-1c.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:100px;height: 60px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;There was the French girl at Algiers&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch25-1d.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:195px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;There was the French girl at Algiers&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "From that evening the face haunted me. I do not mean that it possessed me
+      to the exclusion of everything else, but at odd moments it would rise
+      before me, and then I fell into a revery. You must have noticed my
+      thoughtfulness of late. Often I have laid down my paper at the club and
+      tried to think back to the original. She was probably better known to Jack
+      Goring than to myself. All I was sure of was that she had been known to
+      both of us. Jack and I had first met at Cambridge. I thought over the
+      ladies I had known there, especially those who had been friends of
+      Goring's. Jack had never been a 'lady's man' precisely; but, as he used to
+      say, comparing himself with me, 'he had a heart.' The annals of our
+      Cambridge days were searched in vain. I tried the country house in which
+      he and I had spent a good many of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page213"
+      name="page213"></a></span> our vacations. Suddenly I remembered
+      the reading-party in Devonshire&mdash;but no, she was dark. Once Jack and
+      I had a romantic adventure in Glencoe in which a lady and her daughter
+      were concerned. We tried to make the most of it; but in our hearts we
+      knew, after we had seen her by the morning light, that the daughter was
+      not beautiful. Then there was the French girl at Algiers. Jack had kept me
+      hanging on in Algiers a week longer than we meant to stay. The pose of the
+      head, the hands clasped behind it, a trick so irritatingly familiar to me&mdash;was
+      that the French girl? No, the lady I was struggling to identify was
+      certainly English. I'm sure you're asleep.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "A month elapsed before I had an opportunity of seeing the photograph
+      again. An idea had struck me which I meant to carry out. This was to trace
+      the photograph by means of the photographer. I did not like, however, to
+      mention the subject to Colonel Goring again, so I contrived to find the
+      album while he was out of the smoking-room. The number of the photograph
+      and the address of the photographer were all I wanted; but just as I had
+      got the photograph out of the album my host returned. I slipped the thing
+      quickly into my pocket, and he gave me no chance of replacing it. Thus it
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page214" name="page214"></a></span>
+      was owing to an accident that I carried the photograph away. My theft
+      rendered me no assistance. True, the photographer's name and address were
+      there; but when I went to the place mentioned it had disappeared to make
+      way for 'residential chambers.' I have a few other Cambridge friends here,
+      and I showed some of these the photograph. One, I am now aware, is under
+      the impression that I am to be married soon, but the others were rational.
+      Grierson, of the War Office, recognized the portrait at once. 'She is
+      playing small parts at the Criterion,' he said. Finchley, who is a
+      promising man at the bar, also recognized her. 'Her portraits were in all
+      the illustrated papers five years ago,' he told me, 'at the time when she
+      got twelve months.' They contradicted each other about her, however, and I
+      satisfied myself that she was neither an actress at the Criterion nor the
+      adventuress of 1883. It was, of course, conceivable that she was an
+      actress, but if so her face was not known in the fancy stationers'
+      windows. Are you listening ?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I saw that the mystery would remain unsolved until Jack's return home;
+      and when I had a letter from him a week ago, asking me to dine with him
+      to-night, I accepted eagerly. He was just home, he said, and I would meet
+      an <span class="pagenum"><a id="page215" name="page215"></a></span>
+      old Cambridge man. We were to dine at Jack's club, and I took the
+      photograph with me. I recognized Jack as soon as I entered the
+      waiting-room of the club. A very short, very fat, smooth-faced man was
+      sitting beside him, with his hands clasped behind his head. I believe I
+      gasped. 'Don't you remember Tom Rufus,' Jack asked, 'who used to play the
+      female part at the Cambridge A.D.C.? Why, you helped me to choose his wig
+      at Fox's. I have a photograph of him in costume somewhere at home. You
+      might recall him by his trick of sitting with his hands clasped behind his
+      head.' I shook Rufus's hand. I went in to dinner, and probably behaved
+      myself. Now that it is over I cannot help being thankful that I did not
+      ask Jack for the name of the lady before I saw Rufus. Good-night. I think
+      I've burned a hole in the pillow."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch25-t" id="image-ch25-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch25-t.png" style="width:400px;height:163px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXV." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page216" name="page216"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0026" id="h2HCH0026">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch26-h" id="image-ch26-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch26-ha.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:400px;height:243px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXVI. &quot;Arcadians at bay&quot;" /> <img
+      src="images/ch26-hb.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:170px;height:124px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXVI. &quot;Arcadians at bay&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXVI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      ARCADIANS AT BAY.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I have said that Jimmy spent much of his time in contributing to various
+      leading waste-paper baskets, and that of an evening he was usually to be
+      found prone on my hearth-rug. When he entered my room he was ever willing
+      to tell us what he thought of editors, but his meerschaum with the
+      cherry-wood stem gradually drove all passion from his breast, and instead
+      of upbraiding more successful men than himself, he then lazily scribbled
+      letters to them on my wall-paper. The wall to the right of the fireplace
+      was thick with these <span class="pagenum"><a id="page217" name="page217"></a>
+      </span> epistles, which seemed to give Jimmy relief, though William
+      John had to scrape and scrub at them next morning with india-rubber.
+      Jimmy's sarcasm&mdash;to which that wall-paper can probably still speak&mdash;generally
+      took this form:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>To G. Buckle, Esq., Columbia Road, Shoreditch</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      SIR:&mdash;I am requested by Mr. James Moggridge, editor of the <i>Times</i>,
+      to return you the inclosed seven manuscripts, and to express his regret
+      that there is at present no vacancy in the sub-editorial department of the
+      <i>Times</i> such as Mr. Buckle kindly offers to fill.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours faithfully,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      P. R. (for J. Moggridge, Ed. <i>Times</i>).
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>To Mr. James Knowles, Brick Lane, Spitalfields</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      DEAR SIR:&mdash;I regret to have to return the inclosed paper, which is
+      not quite suitable for the <i>Nineteenth Century</i>. I find that articles
+      by unknown men, however good in themselves, attract little attention. I
+      inclose list of contributors for next month, including, as you will
+      observe, seven members of upper circles, and remain your obedient servant,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. <i>Nineteenth Century</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>To Mr. W Pollock, Mile-End Road, Stepney</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      SIR:&mdash;I have on two previous occasions begged you to cease sending
+      daily articles to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page218" name="page218"></a>
+      </span> the <i>Saturday</i>. Should this continue we shall be
+      reluctantly compelled to take proceedings against you. Why don't you try
+      the <i>Sporting Times?</i> Yours faithfully,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. <i>Saturday Review.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>To Messrs. Sampson, Low &amp; Co., Peabody Buildings, Islington.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      DEAR SIRS:&mdash;The manuscript which you forwarded for our consideration
+      has received careful attention; but we do not think it would prove a
+      success, and it is therefore returned to you herewith. We do not care to
+      publish third-rate books. We remain yours obediently,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      J. MOGGRIDGE &amp; CO.<br /> (late Sampson, Low &amp; Co.).
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>To H. Quilter, Esq., P.O. Bethnal Green.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      SIR:&mdash;I have to return your paper on Universal Art. It is not without
+      merit; but I consider art such an important subject that I mean to deal
+      with it exclusively myself. With thanks for kindly appreciation of my new
+      venture, I am yours faithfully,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. <i>Universal Review.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>To John Morley, Esq., Smith Street, Blackwall.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      SIR:&mdash;Yes, I distinctly remember meeting you on the occasion to which
+      you refer, and it <span class="pagenum"><a id="page219" name="page219"></a>
+      </span> is naturally gratifying to me to hear that you enjoy my
+      writing so much. Unfortunately, however, I am unable to accept your
+      generous offer to do Lord Beaconsfield for the "English Men of Letters"
+      series, as the volume has been already arranged for. Yours sincerely,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      J. MOGGRIDGE,<br /> Ed. "English Men of Letters" series.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>To F. C. Burnand, Esq., Peebles, N.B.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      SIR:&mdash;The jokes which you forwarded to <i>Punch</i> on Monday last
+      are so good that we used them three years ago. Yours faithfully,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. <i>Punch</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>To Mr. D'Oyley Carte, Cross Stone Buildings, Westminster Bridge Road.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      DEAR SIR:&mdash;The comic opera by your friends Messrs. Gilbert and
+      Sullivan, which you have submitted to me, as sole lessee and manager of
+      the Savoy Theatre, is now returned to you unread. The little piece, judged
+      from its title-page, is bright and pleasing, but I have arranged with two
+      other gentlemen to write my operas for the next twenty-one years.
+      Faithfully yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      J. MOGGRIDGE,<br /> Sole Lessee and Manager Savoy Theatre.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page220" name="page220"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch26-1" id="image-ch26-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch26-1a.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:148px;height:573px;padding:0;margin: 1.5em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="Pipes and tobacco-jar" /> <img src="images/ch26-1b.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:400px;height: 41px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Pipes and tobacco-jar" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>To James Ruskin, Esq., Railway Station Hotel, Willisden.</i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      SIR: &mdash; I warn you that I will not accept any more copies of your
+      books. I do not know the individual named Tennyson to whom you refer; but
+      if he is the scribbler who is perpetually sending me copies of his verses,
+      please tell him that I read no poetry except my own. Why can't you leave
+      me alone?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      J. MOGGRIDGE, Poet Laureate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      These letters of Jimmy's remind me of our famous competition, which took
+      place on the night of the Jubilee celebrations. When all the rest of
+      London (including William John) was in the streets, the Arcadians met as
+      usual, and Scrymgeour, at my request, put on the shutters to keep out the
+      din. It so happened that Jimmy and Gilray were that night in wicked moods,
+      for Jimmy, who was so anxious to be a journalist, had just had his <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page221" name="page221"></a></span>
+      seventeenth article returned from the <i>St. John's Gazette</i>, and
+      Gilray had been "slated" for his acting of a new part, in all the leading
+      papers. They were now disgracing the tobacco they smoked by quarrelling
+      about whether critics or editors were the more disreputable class, when in
+      walked Pettigrew, who had not visited us for months. Pettigrew is as
+      successful a journalist as Jimmy is unfortunate, and the pallor of his
+      face showed how many Jubilee articles he had written during the past two
+      months. Pettigrew offered each of us a Splendidad (his wife's new brand),
+      which we dropped into the fireplace. Then he filled my little Remus with
+      Arcadia, and sinking weariedly into a chair, said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "My dear Jimmy, the curse of journalism is not that editors won't accept
+      our articles, but that they want too many from us."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This seemed such monstrous nonsense to Jimmy that he turned his back on
+      Pettigrew, and Gilray broke in with a diatribe against critics.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Critics," said Pettigrew, "are to be pitied rather than reviled."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then Gilray and Jimmy had a common foe. Whether it was Pettigrew's
+      appearance among us or the fireworks outside that made us unusually
+      talkative that night I cannot say, but we <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page222" name="page222"></a></span> became quite brilliant,
+      and when Jimmy began to give us his dream about killing an editor, Gilray
+      said that he had a dream about criticising critics; and Pettigrew, not to
+      be outdone, said that he had a dream of what would become of him if he had
+      to write any more Jubilee articles. Then it was that Marriot suggested a
+      competition. "Let each of the grumblers," he said, "describe his dream,
+      and the man whose dream seems the most exhilarating will get from the
+      judges a Jubilee pound-tin of the Arcadia." The grumblers agreed, but each
+      wanted the others to dream first. At last Jimmy began as follows:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch26-t" id="image-ch26-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch26-t.png" style="width:400px;height:400px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXVI. &quot;Jimmy began as follows&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page223" name="page223"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0027" id="h2HCH0027">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch27-h" id="image-ch27-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch27-h.png" style="width:400px;height:282px;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXVII. &quot;Jimmy's dream&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXVII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      JIMMY'S DREAM.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      I see before me (said Jimmy, savagely) a court, where I, James Moggridge,
+      am arraigned on a charge of assaulting the editor of the <i>St. John's
+      Gazette</i> so as to cause death. Little interest is manifested in the
+      case. On being arrested I had pleaded guilty, and up to to-day it had been
+      anticipated that the matter would be settled out of court. No apology,
+      however, being forthcoming, the law has to take its course. The defence is
+      that the assault was <span class="pagenum"><a id="page224" name="page224"></a>
+      </span> fair comment on a matter of public interest, and was warranted
+      in substance and in fact. On making his appearance in the dock the
+      prisoner is received with slight cheering.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. John Jones is the first witness called for the prosecution. He says: I
+      am assistant editor of the <i>St. John's Gazette</i>. It is an evening
+      newspaper of pronounced Radical views. I never saw the prisoner until
+      to-day, but I have frequently communicated with him. It was part of my
+      work to send him back his articles. This often kept me late.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In cross-examination the witness denies that he has ever sent the prisoner
+      other people's articles by mistake. Pressed, he says, he may have done so
+      once. The defendant generally inclosed letters with his articles, in which
+      he called attention to their special features. Sometimes these letters
+      were of a threatening nature, but there was nothing unusual in that.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Cross-examined: The letters were not what he would call alarming. He had
+      not thought of taking any special precautions himself. Of course, in his
+      position, he had to take his chance. So far as he could remember, it was
+      not for his own sake that the prisoner wanted his articles published, but
+      in the interests of the public. He, the prisoner, was vexed, he said, to
+      see the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page225" name="page225"></a></span>
+      paper full of such inferior matter. Witness had frequently seen letters to
+      the editor from other disinterested contributors couched in similar
+      language. If he was not mistaken, he saw a number of these gentlemen in
+      court. (Applause from the persons referred to.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Snodgrass says: I am a poet. I do not compose during the day. The
+      strain would be too great. Every evening I go out into the streets and buy
+      the latest editions of the evening journals. If there is anything in them
+      worthy commemoration in verse, I compose. There is generally something. I
+      cannot say to which paper I send most of my poems, as I send to all. One
+      of the weaknesses of the <i>St. John's Gazette</i> is its poetry. It is
+      not worthy of the name. It is doggerel. I have sought to improve it, but
+      the editor rejected my contributions. I continued to send them, hoping
+      that they would educate his taste. One night I had sent him a very long
+      poem which did not appear in the paper next day. I was very indignant, and
+      went straight to the office. That was on Jubilee Day. I was told that the
+      editor had left word that he had just gone into the country for two days.
+      (Hisses.) I forced my way up the stairs, however, and when I reached the
+      top I did not know which way to go. There <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page226" name="page226"></a></span> <a name="image-ch27-1"
+      id="image-ch27-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch27-1.png"
+      style="width:100px;height:535px;float:left;clear:left;padding:0;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Pipes" /> were a number of doors with "No admittance" printed on them.
+      (More hissing.) I heard voices in altercation in a room near me. I thought
+      that was likely to be the editor's. I opened the door and went in. The
+      prisoner was in the room. He had the editor on the floor and was jumping
+      on him. I said, "Is that the editor?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Have you
+      killed him?" He said, "Yes," again. I said, "Oh!" and went away. That is
+      all I remember of the affair.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Cross-examined: It did not occur to me to interfere. I thought very little
+      of the affair at the time. I think I mentioned it to my wife in the
+      evening; but I will not swear to that. I am not the Herr Bablerr who
+      compelled his daughter to marry a man she did not love, so that I might
+      write an ode in celebration of the nuptials. I have no daughter. I am a
+      poet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The foreman printer deposed to having had his attention called to <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page227" name="page227"></a></span> the
+      murder of the editor about three o'clock. He was very busy at the time.
+      About an hour afterward he saw the body and put a placard over it. He
+      spoke of the matter to the assistant editor, who suggested that they had
+      better call in the police. That was done.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A clerk in the counting-house says: I distinctly remember the afternoon of
+      the murder. I can recall it without difficulty, as it was on the following
+      evening that I went to the theatre&mdash;a rare occurrence with me. I was
+      running up the stairs when I met a man coming down. I recognized the
+      prisoner as that man. He said, "I have killed your editor." I replied,
+      "Then you ought to be ashamed of yourself." We had no further
+      conversation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      J. O'Leary is next called. He says: I am an Irishman by birth. I had to
+      fly my country when an iniquitous Coercion Act was put in force. At
+      present I am a journalist, and I write Fenian letters for the <i>St. Johns
+      Gazette</i>. I remember the afternoon of the murder. It was the sub-editor
+      who told me of it. He asked me if I would write a "par" on the subject for
+      the fourth edition. I did so; but as I was in a hurry to catch a train it
+      was only a few lines. We did him fuller justice next day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Cross-examined: Witness denies that he felt <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page228" name="page228"></a></span> any elation on hearing
+      that a new topic had been supplied for writing on. He was sorry rather.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A policeman gives evidence that about half-past four on Jubilee Day he saw
+      a small crowd gather round the entrance to the offices of the <i>St.
+      John's Gazette</i>. He thought it his duty to inquire into the matter. He
+      went inside and asked an office-boy what was up. The boy said he thought
+      the editor had been murdered, but advised him to inquire upstairs. He did
+      so, and the boy's assertion was confirmed. He came down again and told the
+      crowd that it was the editor who had been killed. The crowd then
+      dispersed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch27-2" id="image-ch27-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch27-2a.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:107px;height:101px;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;Council for defence calls attention to the prisoner's high and unblemished character&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch27-2b.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:200px;height:72px;margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;Council for defence calls attention to the prisoner's high and unblemished character&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch27-2c.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:153px;height:127px;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;padding:0;"
+      alt="&quot;Council for defence calls attention to the prisoner's high and unblemished character&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A detective from Scotland Yard explains the method of the prisoner's
+      capture. Moggridge wrote to the superintendent saying that he would be
+      passing Scotland Yard on the following Wednesday on business. Three
+      detectives, including witness, were told off to arrest him, and they
+      succeeded in doing so. (Loud and prolonged applause.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The judge interposes here. He fails, he says, to see that this evidence is
+      relevant. So far as he can see, the question is not whether a murder has
+      been committed, but whether, under the circumstances, it is a criminal
+      offence. The <span class="pagenum"><a id="page229" name="page229"></a>
+      </span> prisoner should never have been tried here at all. It was a
+      case for the petty sessions. If the counsel cannot give some weighty
+      reason for proceeding with further evidence, he will now put it to the
+      jury.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After a few remarks from the counsel for the prosecution and the counsel
+      for the defence, who calls attention to the prisoner's high and
+      unblemished character, the judge sums up. It is for the jury, he says, to
+      decide whether the prisoner has committed a criminal offence. That was the
+      point; and in deciding it the jury should bear in mind the desirability of
+      suppressing merely vexatious cases. People should not go to law over
+      trifles. Still, the jury must remember that, without exception, all human
+      life was sacred. After some further remarks from the judge, the jury (who
+      deliberate for rather more than three-quarters <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page230" name="page230"></a></span> of an hour) return a
+      verdict of guilty. The prisoner is sentenced to a fine of five florins, or
+      three days' imprisonment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch27-t" id="image-ch27-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch27-t.png" style="width:400px;height:630px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXVII." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page231" name="page231"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0028" id="h2HCH0028">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch28-h" id="image-ch28-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch28-h.png" style="width:400px;height:236px;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXVIII." />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXVIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      GILRAY'S DREAM.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      Conceive me (said Gilray, with glowing face) invited to write a criticism
+      of the Critics' Dramatic Society for the <i>Standard</i>. I select the <i>Standard</i>,
+      because that paper has treated me most cruelly. However, I loathe them
+      all. My dream is the following criticism:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What is the Critics' Dramatic Society? We found out on Wednesday
+      afternoon, and, as we went to Drury Lane in the interests of the public,
+      it is only fair that the public should know too. Besides, in that case we
+      can all bear it together. Be it known, then, that this Dramatic Society is
+      composed of "critics" who gave "The School for Scandal" at a matinée on
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page232" name="page232"></a></span>
+      Wednesday just to show how the piece should be played. Mr. Augustus Harris
+      had "kindly put the theatre at their disposal," for which he will have to
+      answer when he joins Sheridan in the Elysian Fields. As the performance
+      was by far the worst ever perpetrated, it would be a shame to deprive the
+      twentieth century of the programme. Some of the players, as will be seen,
+      are too well known to escape obloquy. The others may yet be able to sink
+      into oblivion.
+    </p>
+    <table summary="cast of characters">
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Sir Peter Teazle
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. John Ruskin.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Joseph Surface
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. W. E. Henley.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Charles Surface
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. Harry Labouchere.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Crabtree
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. W. Archer.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Sir Benjamin Backbite
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. Clement Scott.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Moses
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. Walter Sichel.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Old Rowley
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. Joseph Knight.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Sir Oliver
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. W. H. Pollock.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Trip
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. G. A. Sala.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Snake
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. Moy Thomas.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Sir Harry Bumper (with song)
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Mr. George Moore.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Servants, Guests, etc.
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Messrs. Saville Clarke, Joseph Hatton, Percy
+          Fitzgerald</span>, etc.
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td colspan="2" align="center">
+          Assisted by
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Lady Teazle
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Miss Rosie Le Dene.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Mrs. Candour
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Miss Jenny Montalban.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Lady Sneerwell
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Miss Rosalind Labelle</span><br /> (The Hon. Mrs.
+          Major <span class="sc">Turnley</span>).
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+      <tr>
+        <td>
+          Maria
+        </td>
+        <td align="right">
+          <span class="sc"> Miss Jones.</span>
+        </td>
+      </tr>
+    </table>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch28-1" id="image-ch28-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch28-1a.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:both;width:267px;height:287px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;These indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch28-1b.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:107px;height:143px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;These indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was a sin of omission on the part of the Critics' Dramatic Society not
+      to state that the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page233" name="page233"></a>
+      </span> piece played was "a new and original comedy" in many acts. Had
+      they had the courage to do this, and to change the title, no one would
+      even have known. On the other hand, it was a sin of commission to allow
+      that Professor Henry Morley was responsible for the stage management; Mr.
+      Morley being a man of letters whom some worthy people respect. But perhaps
+      sins of omission and commission counterbalance. The audience was put in a
+      bad humor before the performance began, owing to the curtain's rising
+      fifteen minutes late. However, once the curtain did rise, it was an
+      unconscionable time in falling. What is known as the "business" of the
+      first act, including the caterwauling of Sir Benjamin Backbite and
+      Crabtree in their revolutions round Joseph, was gone through with a
+      deliberation that was cruelty to the audience, and just when the act
+      seemed over at last these indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet.
+      A sigh ran round the theatre at this&mdash;a sigh as full of suffering as
+      when a minister, having finished his thirdly and lastly, starts off again,
+      with, "I cannot allow this opportunity to pass." Possibly the Critics'
+      Dramatic Society are congratulating themselves on the undeniable fact that
+      the sighs and hisses grew beautifully less as the performance proceeded.
+      But that was because <span class="pagenum"><a id="page234" name="page234"></a>
+      </span> the audience diminished too. One man cannot be expected to
+      sigh like twenty; though, indeed, some of the audience of Wednesday sighed
+      like at least half a dozen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If it be true that all men&mdash;even critics&mdash;have their redeeming
+      points and failings, then was there no Charles and no Joseph Surface at
+      this unique matinée. For the ungainly gentleman who essayed the part of
+      Charles made, or rather meant to make, him spotless; and Mr. Henley's
+      Joseph was twin-brother to Mr. Irving's Mephistopheles. Perhaps the idea
+      of Mr. Labouchere and his friend, Mr. Henley, was that they would make one
+      young man between them. They found it hard work. Mr. Labouchere has yet to
+      learn that buffoonery is not exactly wit, and that Charles Surfaces who
+      dig their uncle Olivers in the ribs, and then turn to the audience for
+      applause, are among the things that the nineteenth century can do without.
+      According to the programme, Mr. George Moore&mdash;the Sir Harry Bumper&mdash;was
+      to sing the song, "Here's to the Maiden of Bashful Fifteen." Mr. Moore did
+      not sing it, but Mr. Labouchere did. The explanation of this, we
+      understand, was not that Sir Harry's heart failed him at the eleventh
+      hour, but that Mr. Labouchere threatened to fling up his part <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page235" name="page235"></a></span> unless
+      the song was given to him. However, Mr. Moore heard Mr. Labouchere singing
+      the song, and that was revenge enough for any man. To Mr. Henley the part
+      of Joseph evidently presented no serious difficulties. In his opinion,
+      Joseph is a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page236" name="page236"></a>
+      </span> whining hypocrite who rolls his eyes when he wishes to look
+      natural. Obviously he is a slavish admirer of Mr. Irving. If Joseph had
+      taken his snuff as this one does, Lady Sneerwell would have sent him to
+      the kitchen. If he had made love to Lady Teazle as this one does, she
+      would have suspected him of weak intellect. Sheridan's Joseph was a man of
+      culture: Mr. Henley's is a buffoon. It is not, perhaps, so much this
+      gentleman's fault as his misfortune that his acting is without either art
+      or craft; but then he was not compelled to play Joseph Surface. Indeed, we
+      may go further, and say that if he is a man with friends he must have been
+      dissuaded from it. The Sir Peter Teazle of Mr. Ruskin reminded us of other
+      Sir Peter Teazles&mdash;probably because Sir Peter is played nowadays with
+      his courtliness omitted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch28-2" id="image-ch28-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch28-2.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:both;width:200px;height:332px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="A friendly favor" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. William Archer was the Crabtree, or rather Mr. Archer and the prompter
+      between them. Until we caught sight of the prompter we had credited Mr.
+      Archer with being a ventriloquist given to casting his voice to the wings.
+      Mr. Clement Scott&mdash;their Benjamin Backbite&mdash;was a ventriloquist
+      too, but not in such a large way as Mr. Archer. His voice, so far as we
+      could make out from an occasional rumble, <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page237" name="page237"></a></span> was in his boots, where
+      his courage kept it company. There was no more ambitious actor in the cast
+      than Mr. Pollock. Mr. Pollock was Sir Oliver, and he gave a highly
+      original reading of that old gentleman. What Mr. Pollock's private opinion
+      of the character of Sir Oliver may be we cannot say; it would be worth an
+      interviewer's while to find out. But if he thinks Sir Oliver was a
+      windmill, we can inform him at once that he is mistaken. Of Mr. Sichel's
+      Moses all that occurs to us to say is that when he let his left arm hang
+      down and raised the other aloft, he looked very like a tea-pot. Mr. Joseph
+      Knight was Old Rowley. In that character all we saw of him was his back;
+      and we <span class="pagenum"><a id="page238" name="page238"></a></span>
+      are bound to admit that it was unexceptional. Sheridan calls one of his
+      servants Snake, and the other Trip. Mr. Moy Thomas tried to look as like a
+      snake as he could, and with some success. The Trip of Mr. Sala, however,
+      was a little heavy, and when he came between the audience and the other
+      actors there was a temporary eclipse. As for the minor parts, the
+      gentlemen who personated them gave a capital rendering of supers suffering
+      from stage-fever. Wednesday is memorable in the history of the stage, but
+      we would forget it if we could.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch28-t" id="image-ch28-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch28-t.png" style="width:400px;height:192px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXVIII." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page239" name="page239"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0029" id="h2HCH0029">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch29-h" id="image-ch29-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch29-h.png" style="width:400px;height:400px;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXIX. &quot;Pettigrew's dream&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXIX.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      PETTIGREW'S DREAM.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      My dream (said Pettigrew) contrasts sadly with those of my young friends.
+      They dream of revenge, but my dream is tragic. I see my editor writing my
+      obituary notice. This is how it reads:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch29-1" id="image-ch29-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch29-1.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:100px;height:600px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;He went round the morning-room&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Pettigrew, M.A., whose sad death is recorded in another column, was in
+      his forty-second <span class="pagenum"><a id="page240" name="page240"></a>
+      </span> year (not his forty-fourth, as stated in the evening papers),
+      and had done a good deal of Jubilee work before he accepted the commission
+      that led to his death. It is an open secret that he wrote seventy of the
+      Jubilee sketches which have appeared in this paper. The pamphlet now
+      selling in the streets for a penny, entitled "Jubilees of the Past," was
+      his. He wrote the introductory chapter to "Fifty Years of Progress," and
+      his "Jubilee Statesmen" is now in a second edition. The idea of a
+      collection of Jubilee odes was not his, but the publisher's. At the same
+      time, his friends and relatives attach no blame to them. Mr. Pettigrew
+      shivered when the order was given to him, but he accepted it, and the
+      general impression among those who knew him was that a man who had
+      survived "Jubilee Statesmen" could do anything. As it turns out, we had
+      overestimated Mr. Pettigrew's powers of endurance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As "The Jubilee Odes" will doubtless yet be collected by another hand,
+      little need be said here of the work. Mr. Pettigrew was to make his
+      collection as complete as the limited space at his disposal (two volumes)
+      would allow; the only original writing in the book being a sketch of the
+      various schemes suggested for the celebration of the Jubilee. It was this
+      sketch that <span class="pagenum"><a id="page241" name="page241"></a>
+      </span> killed him. On the morning of the 27th, when he intended
+      beginning it, he rose at an unusually early hour, and was seen from the
+      windows of the house pacing the garden in an apparently agitated state of
+      mind. He ate no breakfast. One of his daughters states that she noticed a
+      wild look in his eyes during the morning meal; but, as she did not remark
+      on it at the time, much stress need not be laid on this. The others say
+      that he was unusually quiet and silent. All, however, noticed one thing.
+      Generally, when he had literary work to do, he was anxious to begin upon
+      his labors, and spent little time at the breakfast-table. On this occasion
+      he sat on. Even after the breakfast things were removed he seemed
+      reluctant to adjourn to the study. His wife asked him several times if he
+      meant to begin "The Jubilee Odes" that day, and he always replied in the
+      affirmative. But he talked nervously of other things; and, to her surprise&mdash;though
+      she thought comparatively little of it <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page242" name="page242"></a></span> at the time&mdash;drew her
+      on to a discussion on summer bonnets. As a rule, this was a subject which
+      he shunned. At last he rose, and, going slowly to the window, looked out
+      for a quarter of an hour. His wife asked him again about "The Jubilee
+      Odes," and he replied that he meant to begin directly. Then he went round
+      the morning-room, looking at the pictures on the walls as if for the first
+      time. After that he leaned for a little while against the mantelpiece, and
+      then, as if an idea had struck him, began to wind up the clock. He went
+      through the house winding up the clocks, though this duty was usually left
+      to a servant; and when that was over he came back to the breakfast-room
+      and talked about Waterbury watches. His wife had to go to the kitchen, and
+      he followed her. On their way back they passed the nursery, and he said he
+      thought he would go in and talk to the nurse. This was very unlike him. At
+      last his wife said that it would soon be luncheon-time, and then he went
+      to the study. Some ten minutes afterward he wandered into the dining-room,
+      where she was arranging some flowers. He seemed taken aback at seeing her,
+      but said, after a moment's thought, that the study door was locked and he
+      could not find the key. This astonished her, as she had dusted <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page243" name="page243"></a></span> the
+      room herself that morning. She went to see, and found the study door
+      standing open. When she returned to the dining-room he had disappeared.
+      They searched for him everywhere, and eventually discovered him in the
+      drawing-room, turning over a photograph album. He then went back to the
+      study. His wife accompanied <a name="image-ch29-2" id="image-ch29-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch29-2.png"
+      style="float:right;clear:right;width:150px;height:340px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;His wife ... filled his pipe for him&quot;" /> him, and, as was
+      her custom, filled his pipe for him. He smoked a mixture to which he was
+      passionately attached. He lighted his pipe several times, but it always
+      went out. His wife put a new nib into his pen, placed some writing
+      material on the table, and then retired, shutting the door behind her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About half an hour afterward Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to
+      the study on a trifling errand. As he did not return she followed him. She
+      found him sitting on his father's knee, where she did not remember ever
+      having seen him before. Mr. Pettigrew was holding his watch to the boy's
+      ears. The study table was littered with several hundreds of Jubilee odes.
+      Other odes had slipped to the floor. Mrs. Pettigrew asked how he was
+      getting on, and her unhappy <span class="pagenum"><a id="page244"
+      name="page244"></a></span> husband replied that he was just going
+      to begin. His hands were trembling, and he had given up trying to smoke.
+      He sought to detain her by talking about the boy's curls; but she went
+      away, taking the child with her. As she closed the door he groaned
+      heavily, and she reopened it to ask if he felt unwell. He answered in the
+      negative, and she left him. The last <a name="image-ch29-3"
+      id="image-ch29-3">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch29-3.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:391px;padding:0;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to the study&quot;" />
+      person to see Mr. Pettigrew alive was Eliza Day, the housemaid. She took a
+      letter to him between twelve and one o'clock. Usually he disliked being
+      disturbed at his writing; but this time, in answer to her knock, he cried
+      eagerly, "Come in!" When she entered he insisted on her taking a chair,
+      and asked her how all her people were, and if there was anything he could
+      do for them. Several times she rose to leave, but he would not allow her
+      to do so. Eliza mentioned this in the kitchen when she returned to it. Her
+      master was naturally a reserved man who seldom spoke to his servants,
+      which rendered his behavior on this occasion the more remarkable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As announced in the evening papers yesterday, the servant sent to the
+      study at half-past one to see why Mr. Pettigrew was not coming to <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page245" name="page245"></a></span> lunch,
+      found him lifeless on the floor. The knife clutched in his hand showed
+      that he had done the fatal deed himself; and Dr. Southwick, of Hyde Park,
+      who was on the spot within ten minutes of the painful discovery, is of
+      opinion that life had been extinct for about half an hour. The body was
+      lying among Jubilee odes. On the table were a dozen or more sheets of
+      "copy," which, though only spoiled pages, showed that the deceased had not
+      succumbed without a struggle. On one he had begun, "Fifty years have come
+      and gone since a fair English maiden ascended the throne of England."
+      Another stopped short at, "To every loyal Englishman the Jubil&mdash;&mdash;"
+      A third sheet commenced with, "Though there have been a number of royal
+      Jubilees in the history of the world, probably none has awakened the same
+      interest as &mdash;&mdash;" and a fourth began, "1887 will be known to all
+      future ages as the year of Jub&mdash;&mdash;" One sheet bore the sentence,
+      "Heaven help me!" and it is believed that these were the last words the
+      deceased ever penned.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Pettigrew was a most estimable man in private life, and will be
+      greatly missed in the circles to which he had endeared himself. He leaves
+      a widow and a small family. It may be <span class="pagenum"><a id="page246"
+      name="page246"></a></span> worth adding that when discovered dead,
+      there was a smile upon his face, as if he had at last found peace. He must
+      have suffered great agony that forenoon, and his death is best looked upon
+      as a happy release.
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      Marriot, Scrymgeour and I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew, because
+      he alone of the competitors seemed to believe that his dream might be
+      realized.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch29-t" id="image-ch29-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch29-t.png" style="width:400px;height:397px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXIX. &quot;I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page247" name="page247"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0030" id="h2HCH0030">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXX.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE MURDER IN THE INN.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch30-h" id="image-ch30-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch30-ha.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:both;width:400px;height:111px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXX. &quot;Sometimes I think it is all a dream&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch30-hb.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:122px;height:512px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXX. &quot;Sometimes I think it is all a dream&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sometimes I think it is all a dream, and that I did not really murder the
+      waits. Perhaps they are living still. Yet the scene is very vivid before
+      me, though the affair took place&mdash;if it ever did take place&mdash;so
+      long ago that I cannot be expected to remember the details. The time when
+      I must give up smoking was drawing near, so that I may have been unusually
+      irritable, and determined, whatever the cost, to smoke my last pound-tin
+      of the Arcadia in peace. I think my brier was in my mouth when I did it,
+      but after the lapse of months I cannot say whether there were three of
+      them or <span class="pagenum"><a id="page248" name="page248"></a></span>
+      only two. So far as I can remember, I took the man with the beard first.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The incident would have made more impression on me had there been any talk
+      about it. So far as I could discover, it never got into the papers. The
+      porters did not seem to think it any affair of theirs, though one of them
+      must have guessed why I invited the waits upstairs. He saw me open the
+      door to them; he was aware that this was their third visit in a week; and
+      only the night before he had heard me shout a warning to them from my inn
+      window. But of course the porters must allow themselves a certain
+      discretion in the performance of their duties. Then there was the pleasant
+      gentleman of the next door but two, who ran against me just as I was
+      toppling the second body over the railing. We were not acquainted, but I
+      knew him as the man who had flung a water-jug at the waits the night
+      before. He stopped short when he saw the body (it had rolled out of the
+      sofa-rug), and looked at me suspiciously. "He is one of the waits," I
+      said. "I beg your pardon," he replied, "I did not understand." When he had
+      passed a few yards he turned round. "Better cover him up," he said; "our
+      people will talk." Then he strolled away, an air from "The Grand Duchess"
+      lightly trolling <span class="pagenum"><a id="page249" name="page249"></a>
+      </span> from his lips. We still meet occasionally, and nod if no one
+      is looking.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am going too fast, however. What I meant to say was that the murder was
+      premeditated. In the case of a reprehensible murder I know this would be
+      considered an aggravation of the offence. Of course, it is an open
+      question whether all the murders are not reprehensible; but let that pass.
+      To my own mind I should have been indeed deserving of punishment had I
+      rushed out and slain the waits in a moment of fury. If one were to give
+      way to his passion every time he is interrupted in his work or his sleep
+      by bawlers our thoroughfares would soon be choked with the dead. No one
+      values human life or understands its sacredness more than I do. I merely
+      say that there may be times when a man, having stood a great deal and
+      thought it over calmly, is justified in taking the law into his own hands&mdash;always
+      supposing he can do it decently, quietly, and without scandal. The
+      epidemic of waits broke out early in December, and every other night or so
+      these torments came in the still hours and burst into song beneath my
+      windows. They made me nervous. I was more wretched on the nights they did
+      not come than on the nights they came; for I had begun to listen for them,
+      and was never sure <span class="pagenum"><a id="page250" name="page250"></a>
+      </span> they had gone into another locality before four o'clock in the
+      morning. As for their songs, they were more like music-hall ditties than
+      Christmas carols. So one morning&mdash;it was, I think, the 23d of
+      December&mdash;I warned them fairly, fully, and with particulars, of what
+      would happen if they disturbed me again. Having given them this warning,
+      can it be said that I was to blame&mdash;at least, to any considerable
+      extent?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Christmas eve had worn into Christmas morning before the waits arrived on
+      that fateful occasion. I opened the window&mdash;if my memory does not
+      deceive me&mdash;at once, and looked down at them. I could not swear to
+      their being the persons whom I had warned the night before. Perhaps I
+      should have made sure of this. But in any case these were practised waits.
+      Their whine rushed in at my open window with a vigor that proved them no
+      tyros. Besides, the night was a cold one, and I could not linger at an
+      open casement. I nodded pleasantly to the waits and pointed to my door.
+      Then I ran downstairs and let them in. They came up to my chambers with
+      me. As I have said, the lapse of time prevents my remembering how many of
+      them there were; three, I fancy. At all events, I took them into my
+      bedroom and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page251" name="page251"></a>
+      </span> strangled them one by one. They went off quite peaceably; the
+      only difficulty was in the disposal of the bodies. I thought of laying
+      them on the curb-stone in different passages; but I was afraid the police
+      might not see that they were waits, in which case I might be put to
+      inconvenience. So I took a spade and dug two (or three) large holes in the
+      quadrangle of the inn. Then I carried the bodies to the place in my rug,
+      one at a time, shoved them in, and covered them up. A close observer might
+      have noticed in that part of the quadrangle, for some time after, a small
+      mound, such as might be made by an elbow under the bed-clothes. Nobody,
+      however, seems to have descried it, and yet I see it often even now in my
+      dreams.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch30-t" id="image-ch30-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch30-t.png" style="width:400px;height:403px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXX." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page252" name="page252"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0031" id="h2HCH0031">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXXI.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      THE PERILS OF NOT SMOKING.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch31-h" id="image-ch31-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch31-ha.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:both;width:173px;height:172px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXI. &quot;They thought I had weakly yielded&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch31-hb.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:206px;height: 81px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXI. &quot;They thought I had weakly yielded&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch31-hc.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:239px;height: 39px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXI. &quot;They thought I had weakly yielded&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch31-hd.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:300px;height: 84px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXI. &quot;They thought I had weakly yielded&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the Arcadians heard that I had signed an agreement to give up smoking
+      they were first incredulous, then sarcastic, then angry. Instead of
+      coming, as usual, to my room, they went one night in a body to
+      Pettigrew's, and there, as I afterward discovered, a scheme for "saving
+      me" was drawn up. So little did they understand the firmness of my
+      character, that they thought I had weakly yielded to the threats of the
+      lady referred to in my first chapter, when, of course, I had only yielded
+      to her arguments, and they agreed to make an appeal on my behalf to her.
+      Pettigrew, as a married man himself, was appointed intercessor, and I
+      understand that the others not only accompanied <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page253" name="page253"></a></span> him to her door, but
+      waited in an alley until he came out. I never knew whether the reasoning
+      brought to bear on the lady was of Pettigrew's devising, or suggested by
+      Jimmy and the others, but it was certainly unselfish of Pettigrew to lie
+      so freely on my account. At the time, however, the plot enraged me, for
+      the lady conceived the absurd idea that I had sent Pettigrew to her.
+      Undoubtedly it was a bold stroke. Pettigrew's scheme was to play upon his
+      hostess's attachment for me by hinting to her that if I gave up smoking I
+      would probably die. Finding her attentive rather than talkative, he soon
+      dared to assure her that he himself loathed tobacco and only took it for
+      his health.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "By the doctor's orders, mark you," he said, impressively; "Dr. Southwick,
+      of Hyde Park."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She expressed polite surprise at this, and then Pettigrew, believing he
+      had made an impression, told his story as concocted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "My own case," he said, "is one much in point. I suffered lately from sore
+      throat, accompanied by depression of spirits and loss of appetite. The
+      ailment was so unusual with me that I thought it prudent to put myself in
+      Dr. Southwick's hands. As far as possible I shall give you his exact
+      words:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'When did you give up smoking?' he asked, abruptly, after examining my
+      throat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page254" name="page254"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch31-1" id="image-ch31-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch31-1.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:100px;height:475px;padding:0;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;They went one night in a body to Pettigrew's&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Three months ago,' I replied, taken by surprise; 'but how did you know I
+      had given it up?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Never mind how I know,' he said, severely; 'I told you that, however
+      much you might desire to do so, you were not to take to not smoking. This
+      is how you carry out my directions.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Well,' I answered sulkily, 'I have been feeling so healthy for the last
+      two years that I thought I could indulge myself a little. You are aware
+      how I abominate tobacco.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Quite so,' he said, 'and now you see the result of this miserable
+      self-indulgence. Two years ago I prescribed tobacco for you, to be taken
+      three times a day, and you yourself admit that it made a new man of you.
+      Instead of feeling thankful you complain of the brief unpleasantness <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page255" name="page255"></a></span> that
+      accompanies its consumption, and now, in the teeth of my instructions, you
+      give it up. I must say the ways of patients are a constant marvel to me.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'But how,' I asked, 'do you know that my reverting to the pleasant habit
+      of not smoking is the cause of my present ailment?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Oh!' he said, 'you are not sure of that yourself, are you?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'I thought,' I replied, 'there might be a doubt about it; though of
+      course I have forgotten what you told me two years ago.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'It matters very little,' he said, 'whether you remember what I tell you
+      if you do not follow my orders. But as for knowing that indulgence in not
+      smoking is what has brought you to this state, how long is it since you
+      noticed these symptoms?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'I can hardly say,' I answered. 'Still, I should be able to think back. I
+      had my first sore throat this year the night I saw Mr. Irving at the
+      Lyceum, and that was on my wife's birthday, the 3d of October. How long
+      ago is that?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Why, that is more than three months ago. Are you sure of the date?'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Quite certain,' I told him; 'so, you see, I had my first sore throat
+      before I risked not smoking again.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page256" name="page256"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'I don't understand this,' he said. 'Do you mean to say that in the
+      beginning of May you were taking my prescription daily? You were not
+      missing a day now and then&mdash;forgetting to order a new stock of cigars
+      when the others were done, or flinging them away before they were half
+      smoked? Patients do such things.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'No, I assure you I compelled myself to smoke. At least&mdash;&mdash;'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'At least what? Come, now, if I am to be of any service to you, there
+      must be no reserve.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Well, now that I think of it, I was only smoking one cigar a day at that
+      time.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Ah! we have it now,' he cried. 'One cigar a day, when I ordered you
+      three? I might have guessed as much. When I tell non-smokers that they
+      must smoke or I will not be answerable for the consequences, they entreat
+      me to let them break themselves of the habit of not smoking gradually. One
+      cigarette a day to begin with, they beg of me, promising to increase the
+      dose by degrees. Why, man, one cigarette a day is poison; it is worse than
+      not smoking.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'But that is not what I did.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'The idea is the same,' he said. 'Like the others, you make all this moan
+      about giving up completely a habit you should never have acquired. <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page257" name="page257"></a></span> For my
+      own part, I cannot even understand where the subtle delights of not
+      smoking come in. Compared with health, they are surely immaterial.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Of course, I admit that.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Then, if you admit it, why pamper yourself?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'I suppose because one is weak in matters of habit. You have many cases
+      like mine?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'I have such cases every week,' he told me; 'indeed, it was having so
+      many cases of the kind that made me a specialist in the subject. When I
+      began practice I had not the least notion how common the non-tobacco
+      throat, as I call it, is.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'But the disease has been known, has it not, for a long time?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Yes,' he said;' but the cause has only been discovered recently. I could
+      explain the malady to you scientifically, as many medical men would prefer
+      to do, but you are better to have it in plain English.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Certainly; but I should like to know whether the symptoms in other cases
+      have been in every way similar to mine.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'They have doubtless differed in degree, but not otherwise,' he answered.
+      'For instance, you say your sore throat is accompanied by depression of
+      spirits.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page258" name="page258"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Yes; indeed, the depression sometimes precedes the sore throat.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Exactly. I presume, too, that you feel most depressed in the evening&mdash;say,
+      immediately after dinner?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'That is certainly the time I experience the depression most.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'The result,' he said, 'if I may venture on somewhat delicate matters, is
+      that your depression of spirits infects your wife and family, even your
+      servants?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'That is quite true,' I answered. 'Our home has by no means been so happy
+      as formerly. When a man is out of spirits, I suppose, he tends to be
+      brusque and undemonstrative to his wife, and to be easily irritated by his
+      children. Certainly that has been the case with me of late.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "'Yes,' he exclaimed, 'and all because you have not carried out my
+      directions. Men ought to see that they have no right to indulge in not
+      smoking, if only for the sake of their wives and families. A bachelor has
+      more excuse, perhaps; but think of the example you set your children in
+      not making an effort to shake this self-indulgence off. In short, smoke
+      for the sake of your wife and family, if you won't smoke for the sake of
+      your health.'"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page259" name="page259"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I think this is pretty nearly the whole of Pettigrew's story, but I may
+      add that he left the house in depression of spirits, and then infected
+      Jimmy and the others with the same ailment, so that they should all have
+      hurried in a cab to the house of Dr. Southwick.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Honestly," Pettigrew said, "I don't think she believed a word I told
+      her."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "If she had only been a man," Marriot sighed, "we could have got round
+      her."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "How?" asked Pettigrew.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Why, of course," said Marriot, "we could have sent her a tin of the
+      Arcadia."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch31-t" id="image-ch31-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch31-t.png" style="width:400px;height:400px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXXI." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page260" name="page260"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0032" id="h2HCH0032">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXXII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      MY LAST PIPE.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch32-h" id="image-ch32-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch32-h.png"
+      style="float:left;clear:left;width:100px;height:593px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXII." />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The night of my last smoke drew near without any demonstration on my part
+      or on that of my friends. I noticed that none of them was now comfortable
+      if left alone with me, and I knew, I cannot tell how, that though they had
+      too much delicacy to refer in my presence to my coming happiness, they
+      often talked of it among themselves. They smoked hard and looked covertly
+      at me, and had an idea that they were helping me. They also addressed me
+      in a low voice, and took their seats noiselessly, as if some one were ill
+      in the next room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "We have a notion," Scrymgeour said, with an effort, on my second night,
+      "that you would rather we did not feast you to-morrow evening?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Oh, I want nothing of that kind," I said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page261" name="page261"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "So I fancied," Jimmy broke in. "Those things are rather a mockery, but of
+      course if you thought it would help you in any way&mdash;&mdash;"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Or if there is anything else we could do for you," interposed Gilray,
+      "you have only to mention it."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Though they irritated rather than soothed me, I was touched by their
+      kindly intentions, for at one time I feared my friends would be sarcastic.
+      The next night was my last, and I found that they had been looking forward
+      to it with genuine pain. As will have been seen, their custom was to
+      wander into my room one by one, but this time they came together. They had
+      met in the boudoir, and came up the stair so quietly that I did not hear
+      them. They all looked very subdued, and Marriot took the cane chair so
+      softly that it did not creak. I noticed that after a furtive glance at me
+      each of them looked at the centre-table, on which lay my brier, Romulus
+      and Remus, three other pipes that all had their merits, though they never
+      touched my heart until now, my clay tobacco-jar, and my old pouch. I had
+      said good-by to these before my friends came in, and I could now speak
+      with a comparatively firm voice. Marriot and Gilray and Scrymgeour signed
+      to Jimmy, as if some plan of action had been arranged, <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page262" name="page262"></a></span> and
+      Jimmy said huskily, sitting upon the hearth-rug:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Pettigrew isn't coming. He was afraid he would break down."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch32-1" id="image-ch32-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch32-1.png" style="width:400px;height:310px;"
+      alt="&quot;Then we began to smoke&quot;" />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Then we began to smoke. It was as yet too early in the night for my last
+      pipe, but soon I regretted that I had not arranged to spend this night
+      alone. Jimmy was the only one of the Arcadians who had been at school with
+      me, and he was full of reminiscences which he addressed to the others just
+      as if I were not present.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "He was the life of the old school," Jimmy said, referring to me, "and
+      when I shut my eyes <span class="pagenum"><a id="page263" name="page263"></a>
+      </span> I can hear his merry laugh as if we were both in
+      knickerbockers still."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "What sort of character did he have among the fellows?" Gilray whispered.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "The very best. He was the soul of honor, and we all anticipated a great
+      future for him. Even the masters loved him; indeed, I question if he had
+      an enemy."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I remember my first meeting with him at the university," said Marriot,
+      "and that I took to him at once. He was speaking at the debating society
+      that night, and his enthusiasm quite carried me away."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "And how we shall miss him here," said Scrymgeour, "and in my house-boat!
+      I think I had better sell the house-boat. Do you remember his favorite
+      seat at the door of the saloon?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Do you know," said Marriot, looking a little scared, "I thought I would
+      be the first of our lot to go. Often I have kept him up late in this very
+      room talking of my own troubles, and little guessing why he sometimes
+      treated them a little testily."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So they talked, meaning very well, and by and by it struck one o'clock. A
+      cold shiver passed through me, and Marriot jumped from his chair. It had
+      been agreed that I should begin my last pipe at one precisely.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page264" name="page264"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Whatever my feelings were up to this point I had kept them out of my face,
+      but I suppose a change came over me now. I tried to lift my brier from the
+      table, but my hand shook and the pipe tapped, tapped on the deal like an
+      auctioneer's hammer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Let me fill it," Jimmy said, and he took my old brier from me. He scraped
+      it energetically so that it might hold as much as possible, and then he
+      filled it. Not one of them, I am glad to remember, proposed a cigar for my
+      last smoke, or thought it possible that I would say farewell to tobacco
+      through the medium of any other pipe than my brier. I liked my brier best.
+      I have said this already, but I must say it again. Jimmy handed the brier
+      to Gilray, who did not surrender it until it reached my mouth. Then
+      Scrymgeour made a spill, and Marriot lighted it. In another moment I was
+      smoking my last pipe. The others glanced at one another, hesitated, and
+      put their pipes into their pockets.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There was little talking, for they all gazed at me as if something
+      astounding might happen at any moment. The clock had stopped, but the
+      ventilator was clicking. Although Jimmy and the others saw only me, I
+      tried not to see only them. I conjured up the face of a lady, and she
+      smiled encouragingly, and then I felt safer. <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page265" name="page265"></a></span> But at times her face was
+      lost in smoke, or suddenly it was Marriot's face, eager, doleful, wistful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At first I puffed vigorously and wastefully, <a name="image-ch32-2"
+      id="image-ch32-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch32-2.png"
+      style="width:150px;height:410px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;I conjured up the face of a lady&quot;" /> then I became
+      scientific and sent out rings of smoke so strong and numerous that half a
+      dozen of them were in the air at a time. In past days I had often followed
+      a ring over the table, across chairs, and nearly out at the window, but
+      that was when I blew one by accident and was loath to let it go. Now I
+      distributed them among my friends, who let them slip away into the
+      looking-glass. I think I had almost forgotten what I was doing and where I
+      was when an awful thing happened. My pipe went out!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "There are remnants in it yet," Jimmy cried, with forced cheerfulness,
+      while Gilray blew the ashes off my sleeve, Marriot slipped a cushion
+      behind my back, and Scrymgeour made another spill. Again I smoked, but no
+      longer recklessly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page266" name="page266"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is revealing no secret to say that a drowning man sees his whole past
+      unfurl before him like a panorama. So little, however, was I, now on the
+      eve of a great happiness, like a drowning man, that nothing whatever
+      passed before me. I lost sight even of my friends, and though Jimmy was on
+      his knees at my feet, his hand clasping mine, he disappeared as if his
+      open mouth had swallowed the rest of his face. I had only one thought&mdash;that
+      I was smoking my last pipe. Unconsciously I crossed my legs, and one of my
+      slippers fell off; Jimmy, I think, slipped it on to my foot. Marriot stood
+      over me, gazing into the bowl of my pipe, but I did not see him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now I was puffing tremendously, but no smoke came. The room returned to
+      me, I saw Jimmy clearly, I felt Marriot overhead, and I heard them all
+      whispering. Still I puffed; I knew that my pipe was empty, but still I
+      puffed. Gilray's fingers tried to draw my brier from my mouth, but I bit
+      into it with my teeth, and still I puffed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch32-3" id="image-ch32-3">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch32-3a.png"
+      style="width:123px;height: 88px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had been to me&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch32-3b.png"
+      style="width:200px;height:141px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had been to me&quot;" />
+      <img src="images/ch32-3c.png"
+      style="width:125px;height: 82px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="&quot;Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had been to me&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I came to I was alone. I had a dim consciousness of having been
+      shaken by several hands, of a voice that I think was Scrymgeour's saying
+      that he would often write to me&mdash;though my new home was to be within
+      the four-mile <span class="pagenum"><a id="page267" name="page267"></a>
+      </span> radius&mdash;and of another voice that I think was Jimmy's,
+      telling Marriot not to let me see him breaking down. But though I had
+      ceased to puff, my brier was still in my mouth; and, indeed, I found it
+      there when William John shook me into life next morning.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My parting with William John was almost sadder than the scene of the
+      previous night. I rang for him when I had tied up all my treasures in
+      brown paper, and I told him to give the tobacco-jar to Jimmy, Romulus to
+      Marriot, Remus to Gilray, and the pouch to Scrymgeour. William John bore
+      up till I came to the pouch, when he fairly blubbered. I had to hurry into
+      my bedroom, but I mean to do something yet for William John. Not even
+      Scrymgeour knew so well as he what my pouch had <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page268" name="page268"></a></span> been to me, and till I die
+      I shall always regret that I did not give it to William John. I kept my
+      brier.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch32-t" id="image-ch32-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a>
+    </p>
+    <div class="figcenter">
+      <img src="images/ch32-t.png" style="width:400px;height:400px;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXXII." />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page269" name="page269"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="h2HCH0033" id="h2HCH0033">
+      <!--  H2 anchor --> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      CHAPTER XXXIII.
+    </h2>
+    <h3>
+      WHEN MY WIFE IS ASLEEP AND ALL THE HOUSE IS STILL.
+    </h3>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch33-h" id="image-ch33-h">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch33-h.png"
+      style="width:200px;height:200px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXIII. &quot;When my wife is asleep and all the house is still&quot;" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Perhaps the heading of this paper will deceive some readers into thinking
+      that I smoke nowadays in camera. It is, I know, a common jest among
+      smokers that such a promise as mine is seldom kept, and I allow that the
+      Arcadians tempt me still. But never shall it be said of me with truth that
+      I have broken my word. I smoke no more, and, indeed, though the scenes of
+      my bachelorhood frequently rise before me in dreams, painted as Scrymgeour
+      could not paint them, I am glad, when I wake up, that they are only
+      dreams. Those selfish days are done, and I see that though they were happy
+      days, the happiness was a mistake. As for the struggle that is supposed to
+      take place between a man and tobacco, after he sees smoking in its true
+      colors, I never experienced it. I have not even <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page270" name="page270"></a></span> any craving for the
+      Arcadia now, though it is a tobacco that should only be smoked by our
+      greatest men. Were we to present a tin of it to our national heroes,
+      instead of the freedom of the city, they would probably thank us more.
+      Jimmy and the others are quite unworthy to smoke it; indeed, if I had my
+      way they would give up smoking altogether. Nothing, perhaps, shows more
+      completely how I have severed my bonds than this: that my wife is willing
+      to let our friends smoke in the study, but I will not hear of it. There
+      shall be no smoking in my house; and I have determined to speak to Jimmy
+      about smoking out at our spare bedroom window. It is a mere contemptible
+      pretence to say that none of the smoke comes back into the room. The
+      curtains positively reek of it, and we must have them washed at once. I
+      shall speak plainly to Jimmy because I want him to tell the others. They
+      must understand clearly on what terms they are received in this house, and
+      if they prefer making chimneys of themselves to listening to music, by all
+      means let them stay at home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But when my wife is asleep and all the house is still, I listen to the man
+      through the wall. At such times I have my brier in my mouth, but there is
+      no harm in that, for it is empty. I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page271"
+      name="page271"></a></span> did not like to give away my brier,
+      knowing no one who understood it, and I always carry it about with me now
+      to remind me of my dark past. When the man through the wall lights up I
+      put my cold pipe in my mouth and we have a quiet hour together.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have never, to my knowledge, seen the man through the wall, for his door
+      is round the corner, and, besides, I have no interest in him until
+      half-past eleven P.M. We begin then. I know him chiefly by his pipes, and
+      them I know by his taps on the wall as he knocks the ashes out of them. He
+      does not smoke the Arcadia, for his temper is hasty, and he breaks the
+      coals with his foot. Though I am compelled to say that I do not consider
+      his character very lovable, he has his good points, and I like his
+      attachment to his brier. He scrapes it, on the whole, a little roughly,
+      but that is because he is so anxious to light up again, and I discovered
+      long ago that he has signed an agreement with his wife to go to bed at
+      half-past twelve. For some time I could not understand why he had a silver
+      rim put on the bowl. I noticed the change in the tap at once, and the
+      natural conclusion would have been that the bowl had cracked. But it never
+      had the tap of a cracked bowl. I was reluctant to believe that the man
+      through the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page272" name="page272"></a>
+      </span> wall was merely some vulgar fellow, and I felt that he could
+      not be so, or else he would have smoked his meerschaum more. At last I
+      understood. The bowl had worn away on one side, <a name="image-ch33-1"
+      id="image-ch33-1">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch33-1a.png"
+      style="width:250px;height:239px;float:left;clear:left;padding:0;margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;The man through the wall&quot;" /> <img src="images/ch33-1b.png"
+      style="width:190px;height:127px;float:left;clear:left;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;"
+      alt="&quot;The man through the wall&quot;" /> and the silver rim had been
+      needed to keep the tobacco in. Undoubtedly this was the explanation, for
+      even before the rim came I was a little puzzled by the taps of the brier.
+      He never seemed to hit the wall with the whole mouth of the bowl, but of
+      course the reason was that he could not. At the same time I do not
+      exonerate him from blame. He is a clumsy smoker to burn his bowl at one
+      side, and I am afraid he lets the stem slip round in his teeth. Of course,
+      I see that the mouth-piece is loose, but a piece of blotting-paper would
+      remedy that.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <span class="pagenum"><a id="page273" name="page273"></a></span>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His meerschaum is not such a good one as Jimmy's. Though Jimmy's
+      boastfulness about his meerschaum was hard to bear, none of us ever denied
+      the pipe's worth. The man through the wall has not a cherry-wood stem to
+      his meerschaum, and consequently it is too light. A ring has been worn
+      into the palm of his left hand, owing to his tapping the meerschaum there,
+      and it is as marked as Jimmy's ring, for, though Jimmy tapped more
+      strongly, the man through the wall has to tap oftener.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch33-2" id="image-ch33-2">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch33-2a.png"
+      style="width:350px;height:265px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="Pipes" /> <img src="images/ch33-2b.png"
+      style="width:127px;height:295px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Pipes" />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What I chiefly dislike about the man through the wall is his treatment of
+      his clay. A clay, I need scarcely say, has an entirely different tap from
+      a meerschaum, but the man through the wall does not treat these two pipes
+      as if they were on an equality. He ought to tap his clay on the palm of
+      his hand, but he seldom does so, and I am strongly of opinion that when he
+      does, it is only because he has forgotten that this is not the meerschaum.
+      Were he to tap the clay on the walls or on the ribs of the fireplace he
+      would smash it, so he taps it on a coal. About this there is something
+      contemptible. I am not complaining because he has little affection for his
+      clay. In face of all that has been said in honor of clays, and knowing
+      that this statement will occasion an outcry against me, I <span
+      class="pagenum"><a id="page274" name="page274"></a></span> admit
+      that I never cared for clays myself. A rank tobacco is less rank through a
+      church-warden, but to smoke the Arcadia through a clay is to incur my
+      contempt, and even my resentment. But to disbelieve in clays is one thing
+      and to treat them badly is another. If the man through the wall has
+      decided, after reflection and experiment, that his clay is a mistake, I
+      say let him smoke it no more; but so long as he does smoke it I would have
+      it receive consideration from him. I very much question whether, if he
+      reads his heart, he could learn from it that he loves his meerschaum more
+      than his clay, yet because the meerschaum cost more he taps it on his
+      palm. This is a serious charge to bring against any man, but I do not make
+      it lightly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The man through the wall smokes each of these three pipes nightly,
+      beginning with the brier. Thus he does not like a hot pipe. Some will hold
+      that he ought to finish with the brier, as it is his favorite, but I am
+      not of that opinion. Undoubtedly, I think, the first pipe is the sweetest;
+      indeed, I feel bound to make a statement here. I have an uneasy feeling
+      that I never did justice to meerschaums, and for this reason: I only
+      smoked them after my brier was hot, so that I never gave them a fair
+      chance. If <span class="pagenum"><a id="page275" name="page275"></a>
+      </span> I had begun the day with a meerschaum, might it not have shown
+      itself in a new light? That is a point I shall never be able to decide
+      now, but I often think of it, and I leave the verdict to others.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <a name="image-ch33-t" id="image-ch33-t">
+      <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch33-ta.png"
+      style="width:205px;height:447px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 1em 0em 0em 1em;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXXIII." /> <img src="images/ch33-tb.png"
+      style="width:400px;height:115px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;"
+      alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXXIII." /> Even though I did not know that the man
+      through the wall must retire at half-past twelve, his taps at that hour
+      would announce it. He then gives each of his pipes <span class="pagenum"><a
+      id="page276" name="page276"></a></span> a final tap, not briskly
+      as before, but slowly, as if he was thinking between each tap. I have
+      sometimes decided to send him a tin of the only tobacco to smoke, but on
+      the whole I could not undertake the responsibility of giving a man whom I
+      have only studied for a few months such a testimonial. Therefore when his
+      last tap says good-night to me, <span
+      style="display:block;text-align:center;text-indent:0;"> I take my cold
+      brier out of <br /> my mouth, tap it on the<br /> mantelpiece, smile<br />
+      sadly, and<br /> go to<br /> bed.</span>
+    </p>
+
+<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY LADY NICOTINE ***</div>
+<div style='text-align:left'>
+
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>
+Updated editions will replace the previous one&#8212;the old editions will
+be renamed.
+</div>
+
+<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>
+Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright
+law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works,
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #18934 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/18934)
diff --git a/old/18934.txt b/old/18934.txt
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of My Lady Nicotine, by J. M. Barrie
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: My Lady Nicotine
+       A Study in Smoke
+
+Author: J. M. Barrie
+
+Illustrator: M. B. Prendergast
+
+Release Date: July 29, 2006 [EBook #18934]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY LADY NICOTINE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Ted Garvin, David Garcia and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+
+                              MY LADY NICOTINE
+
+                             =A Study in Smoke=
+
+
+                              BY J. M. BARRIE
+
+                    AUTHOR OF "SENTIMENTAL TOMMY,"  ETC.
+
+
+                              _ILLUSTRATED BY_
+                             M. B. PRENDERGAST
+
+
+
+                                   BOSTON
+                             KNIGHT AND MILLET
+                                 PUBLISHERS
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+     CHAP.                                                           PAGE
+
+        I. MATRIMONY AND SMOKING COMPARED                               1
+       II. MY FIRST CIGAR                                              11
+      III. THE ARCADIA MIXTURE                                         18
+       IV. MY PIPES                                                    27
+        V. MY TOBACCO-POUCH                                            38
+       VI. MY SMOKING-TABLE                                            45
+      VII. GILRAY                                                      52
+     VIII. MARRIOT                                                     60
+       IX. JIMMY                                                       70
+        X. SCRYMGEOUR                                                  78
+       XI. HIS WIFE'S CIGARS                                           87
+      XII. GILRAY'S FLOWER-POT                                         94
+     XIII. THE GRANDEST SCENE IN HISTORY                              103
+      XIV. MY BROTHER HENRY                                           116
+       XV. HOUSE-BOAT "ARCADIA"                                       124
+      XVI. THE ARCADIA MIXTURE AGAIN                                  133
+     XVII. THE ROMANCE OF A PIPE-CLEANER                              143
+   XXVIII. WHAT COULD HE DO?                                          151
+      XIX. PRIMUS                                                     159
+       XX. PRIMUS TO HIS UNCLE                                        168
+      XXI. ENGLISH-GROWN TOBACCO                                      177
+     XXII. HOW HEROES SMOKE                                           186
+    XXIII. THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS EVE                                 194
+     XXIV. NOT THE ARCADIA                                            202
+      XXV. A FACE THAT HAUNTED MARRIOT                                209
+     XXVI. ARCADIANS AT BAY                                           216
+    XXVII. JIMMY'S DREAM                                              223
+   XXVIII. GILRAY'S DREAM                                             231
+     XXIX. PETTIGREW'S DREAM                                          239
+      XXX. THE MURDER IN THE INN                                      247
+     XXXI. THE PERILS OF NOT SMOKING                                  252
+    XXXII. MY LAST PIPE                                               260
+   XXXIII. WHEN MY WIFE IS ASLEEP AND ALL THE HOUSE IS STILL          269
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+Illustrations
+
+
+                                                                     PAGE
+
+  Half-Title                                                            i
+  Frontispiece                                                         iv
+  Title-Page                                                            v
+  Headpiece to Table of Contents                                      vii
+  Tailpiece to Table of Contents                                     viii
+  Headpiece to List of Illustrations                                   ix
+  Tailpiece to List of Illustrations                                 xiii
+  Headpiece to Chap. I.                                                 1
+  "As well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress"                         6
+  "There are the Japanese fans on the wall"                             7
+  Tailpiece Chap. I. "My wife puts her hand on my shoulder"            10
+  Headpiece Chap. II.                                                  11
+  "At last he jumped up"                                               14
+  Box of cigars                                                        15
+  Tailpiece Chap. II. "I firmly lighted my first cigar"                17
+  Headpiece Chap. III. "Jimmy pins a notice on his door"               18
+  "We are only to be distinguished by our pipes"                       20
+  The Arcadia Mixture                                                  21
+  Tailpiece Chap. III.                                                 26
+  Headpiece Chap. IV. "Oh, see what I have done"                       27
+  "I fell in love with two little meerschaums"                         33
+  Pipes and pouch                                                      36
+  Tailpiece Chap. IV.                                                  37
+  Headpiece Chap. V. "They ... made tongs of their
+    knitting-needles to lift it"                                       38
+  "I ... cast my old pouch out at the window"                      40, 41
+  "It never quite recovered from its night in the rain"                43
+  Tailpiece Chap. V.                                                   44
+  Headpiece Chap VI. "My Smoking-Table"                                45
+  "Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally"                       48
+  Tailpiece Chap. VI.                                                  51
+  Headpiece Chap. VII. "We met first in the Merediths' house-boat"     52
+  "He 'strode away blowing great clouds into the air,'"                57
+  Tailpiece Chap. VII. "The Arcadia had him for its own"               59
+  Headpiece Chap. VIII. "I let him talk on"                            60
+  Pipes and jar of spills                                          62, 63
+  Tray of pipes and cigars                                             64
+  "I would ... light him to his sleeping-chamber with a spill"         68
+  Tailpiece Chap. VIII.                                                69
+  Headpiece Chap. IX. "The stem was a long cherry-wood"                70
+  "In time ... the Arcadia Mixture made him more and more
+    like the rest of us"                                               71
+  "A score of smaller letters were tumbling about my feet"             74
+  Tailpiece Chap. IX. "Mothers' pets"                                  77
+  Headpiece Chap. X. "Scrymgeour was an artist"                        78
+  "With shadowy reptiles crawling across the panels"                   81
+  "Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat into a Japanese
+    dressing-gown"                                                     84
+  Tailpiece Chap. X.                                                   86
+  Headpiece Chap. XI. "His wife's cigars"                              87
+  "A packet of Celebros alighted on my head"                           88
+  "I told her the cigars were excellent"                               90
+  Tailpiece Chap. XI.                                                  93
+  Headpiece Chap. XII. "Gilray's flower-pot"                           94
+  "Then Arcadians would drop in"                                       97
+  "I wrote to him"                                                     99
+  Tailpiece Chap. XII. "The can nearly fell from my hand"             102
+  Headpiece Chap. XIII.                                               103
+  "Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country"                  105
+  The Arcadia Mixture                                                 111
+  "Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern picking out his men"         113
+  Tailpiece Chap. XIII.                                               115
+  Headpiece Chap. XIV. "I was testing some new Cabanas"               116
+  "A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder"              118
+  "Naturally in the circumstances you did not want to
+   talk about Henry"                                                  120
+  Tailpiece Chap. XIV.                                                123
+  Headpiece Chap. XV. "House-boat Arcadia"                            124
+  "I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind"       126
+  "It was the boy come back with the vegetables"                      129
+  Tailpiece Chap. XV. "There was a row all round,
+    which resulted in our division into five parties"                 132
+  Headpiece Chap. XVI. "The Arcadia Mixture again"                    133
+  "On the open window ... stood a round tin of tobacco"               135
+  "A pipe of the Mixture"                                             138
+  "The lady was making pretty faces with a cigarette in
+    her mouth"                                                        139
+  Tailpiece Chap. XVI.                                                142
+  Headpiece Chap. XVII. "He was in love again"                        143
+  "I heard him walking up and down the deck"                          145
+  Tailpiece Chap. XVII. "He took the wire off me and used it
+    to clean his pipe"                                                150
+  Headpiece Chap. XVIII. "I had walked from Spondinig
+    to Franzenshohe"                                                  151
+  "On the middle of the plank she had turned to kiss her hand"        152
+  "Then she burst into tears"                                         157
+  Tailpiece Chap. XVIII. "A wall has risen up between us"             158
+  Headpiece Chap. XIX. "Primus"                                       159
+  "Many tall hats struck, to topple in the dust"                      161
+  "Running after sheep, from which ladies were flying"                163
+  "I should like to write you a line"                                 165
+  Tailpiece Chap. XIX. "I am, respected sir, your diligent pupil"     167
+  Headpiece Chap. XX.                                                 168
+  "Reading Primus's letters"                                          171
+  Tailpiece Chap. XX.                                                 176
+  Headpiece Chap. XXI. "English-grown tobacco"                        177
+  "I smoked my third cigar very slowly"                               182
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXI.                                                185
+  Headpiece Chap. XXII. "How heroes smoke"                            186
+  "Once, indeed, we do see Strathmore smoking a good cigar"           189
+  "A half-smoked cigar"                                               190
+  "The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the door"    192
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXII.                                               193
+  Headpiece Chap. XXIII.                                              194
+  "The ghost of Christmas eve"                                        195
+  "My pipe"                                                           199
+  "My brier, which I found beneath my pillow"                         200
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXIII.                                              201
+  Headpiece Chap. XXIV. "But the pipes were old friends"              202
+  "It had the paper in its mouth"                                     205
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXIV. "I was pleased that I had lost"               208
+  Headpiece Chap. XXV. "A face that haunted Marriot"                  209
+  "There was the French girl at Algiers"                              212
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXV.                                                215
+  Headpiece Chap. XXVI. "Arcadians at bay"                            216
+  Pipes and tobacco-jar                                               220
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXVI. "Jimmy began as follows"                      222
+  Headpiece Chap. XXVII. "Jimmy's dream"                              223
+  Pipes                                                               226
+  "Council for defence calls attention to the prisoner's
+    high and unblemished character"                                   229
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXVII.                                              230
+  Headpiece Chap. XXVIII.                                             231
+  "These indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet"              235
+  A friendly favor                                                    237
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXVIII.                                             238
+  Headpiece Chap. XXIX. "Pettigrew's dream"                           239
+  "He went round the morning-room"                                    241
+  "His wife ... filled his pipe for him"                              243
+  "Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to the study"              244
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXIX. "I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew"   246
+  Headpiece Chap. XXX. "Sometimes I think it is all a dream"          247
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXX.                                                251
+  Headpiece Chap. XXXI. "They thought I had weakly yielded"           252
+  "They went one night in a body to Pettigrew's"                      254
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXXI.                                               259
+  Headpiece Chap. XXXII.                                              260
+  "Then we began to smoke"                                            262
+  "I conjured up the face of a lady"                                  265
+  "Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had been to me"             267
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXXII.                                              268
+  Headpiece Chap. XXXIII. "When my wife is asleep and all
+    the house is still"                                               269
+  "The man through the wall"                                          272
+  Pipes                                                               275
+  Tailpiece Chap. XXXIII.                                             276
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+MY LADY NICOTINE.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+MATRIMONY AND SMOKING COMPARED.
+
+
+The circumstances in which I gave up smoking were these:
+
+I was a mere bachelor, drifting toward what I now see to be a tragic
+middle age. I had become so accustomed to smoke issuing from my mouth
+that I felt incomplete without it; indeed, the time came when I could
+refrain from smoking if doing nothing else, but hardly during the hours
+of toil. To lay aside my pipe was to find myself soon afterward
+wandering restlessly round my table. No blind beggar was ever more
+abjectly led by his dog, or more loath to cut the string.
+
+I am much better without tobacco, and already have a difficulty in
+sympathizing with the man I used to be. Even to call him up, as it were,
+and regard him without prejudice is a difficult task, for we forget the
+old selves on whom we have turned our backs, as we forget a street that
+has been reconstructed. Does the freed slave always shiver at the crack
+of a whip? I fancy not, for I recall but dimly, and without acute
+suffering, the horrors of my smoking days. There were nights when I
+awoke with a pain at my heart that made me hold my breath. I did not
+dare move. After perhaps ten minutes of dread, I would shift my position
+an inch at a time. Less frequently I felt this sting in the daytime,
+and believed I was dying while my friends were talking to me. I never
+mentioned these experiences to a human being; indeed, though a medical
+man was among my companions, I cunningly deceived him on the rare
+occasions when he questioned me about the amount of tobacco I was
+consuming weekly. Often in the dark I not only vowed to give up smoking,
+but wondered why I cared for it. Next morning I went straight from
+breakfast to my pipe, without the smallest struggle with myself.
+Latterly I knew, while resolving to break myself of the habit, that
+I would be better employed trying to sleep. I had elaborate ways of
+cheating myself, but it became disagreeable to me to know how many
+ounces of tobacco I was smoking weekly. Often I smoked cigarettes to
+reduce the number of my cigars.
+
+On the other hand, if these sharp pains be excepted, I felt quite well.
+My appetite was as good as it is now, and I worked as cheerfully and
+certainly harder. To some slight extent, I believe, I experienced the
+same pains in my boyhood, before I smoked, and I am not an absolute
+stranger to them yet. They were most frequent in my smoking days, but I
+have no other reason for charging them to tobacco. Possibly a doctor who
+was himself a smoker would have pooh-poohed them. Nevertheless, I have
+lighted my pipe, and then, as I may say, hearkened for them. At the
+first intimation that they were coming I laid the pipe down and ceased
+to smoke--until they had passed.
+
+I will not admit that, once sure it was doing me harm, I could not,
+unaided, have given up tobacco. But I was reluctant to make sure. I
+should like to say that I left off smoking because I considered it a
+mean form of slavery, to be condemned for moral as well as physical
+reasons; but though now I clearly see the folly of smoking, I was blind
+to it for some months after I had smoked my last pipe. I gave up my
+most delightful solace, as I regarded it, for no other reason than that
+the lady who was willing to fling herself away on me said that I must
+choose between it and her. This deferred our marriage for six months.
+
+I have now come, as those who read will see, to look upon smoking with
+my wife's eyes. My old bachelor friends complain because I do not allow
+smoking in the house, but I am always ready to explain my position, and
+I have not an atom of pity for them. If I cannot smoke here neither
+shall they. When I visit them in the old inn they take a poor revenge by
+blowing rings of smoke almost in my face. This ambition to blow rings
+is the most ignoble known to man. Once I was a member of a club for
+smokers, where we practised blowing rings. The most successful got a box
+of cigars as a prize at the end of the year. Those were days! Often I
+think wistfully of them. We met in a cozy room off the Strand. How well
+I can picture it still. Time-tables lying everywhere, with which we
+could light our pipes. Some smoked clays, but for the Arcadia Mixture
+give me a brier. My brier was the sweetest ever known. It is strange
+now to recall a time when a pipe seemed to be my best friend.
+
+My present state is so happy that I can only look back with wonder at
+my hesitation to enter upon it. Our house was taken while I was still
+arguing that it would be dangerous to break myself of smoking all at
+once. At that time my ideal of married life was not what it is now, and
+I remember Jimmy's persuading me to fix on this house, because the large
+room upstairs with the three windows was a smoker's dream. He pictured
+himself and me there in the summer-time blowing rings, with our coats
+off and our feet out at the windows; and he said that the closet at the
+back looking on to a blank wall would make a charming drawing-room for
+my wife. For the moment his enthusiasm carried me away, but I see now
+how selfish it was, and I have before me the face of Jimmy when he paid
+us his first visit and found that the closet was not the drawing-room.
+Jimmy is a fair specimen of a man, not without parts, destroyed by
+devotion to his pipe. To this day he thinks that mantelpiece vases are
+meant for holding pipe-lights in. We are almost certain that when he
+stays with us he smokes in his bedroom--a detestable practice that
+I cannot permit.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Two cigars a day at ninepence apiece come to _L27 7s. 6d._ yearly,
+and four ounces of tobacco a week at nine shillings a pound come to
+_L5 17s._ yearly. That makes _L33 4s. 6d._ When we calculate
+the yearly expense of tobacco in this way, we are naturally taken aback,
+and our extravagance shocks us more after we have considered how much
+more satisfactorily the money might have been spent. With _L33 4s.
+6d._ you can buy new Oriental rugs for the drawing-room, as well as
+a spring bonnet and a nice dress. These are things that give permanent
+pleasure, whereas you have no interest in a cigar after flinging away
+the stump. Judging by myself, I should say that it was want of thought
+rather than selfishness that makes heavy smokers of so many bachelors.
+Once a man marries, his eyes are opened to many things that he was quite
+unaware of previously, among them being the delight of adding an article
+of furniture to the drawing-room every month, and having a bedroom in
+pink and gold, the door of which is always kept locked. If men would
+only consider that every cigar they smoke would buy part of a new
+piano-stool in terra-cotta plush, and that for every pound tin of tobacco
+purchased away goes a vase for growing dead geraniums in, they would
+surely hesitate. They do not consider, however, until they marry, and
+then they are forced to it. For my own part, I fail to see why bachelors
+should be allowed to smoke as much as they like, when we are debarred
+from it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The very smell of tobacco is abominable, for one cannot get it out of
+the curtains, and there is little pleasure in existence unless the
+curtains are all right. As for a cigar after dinner, it only makes
+you dull and sleepy and disinclined for ladies' society. A far more
+delightful way of spending the evening is to go straight from dinner to
+the drawing-room and have a little music. It calms the mind to listen to
+your wife's niece singing, "Oh, that we two were Maying!" Even if you
+are not musical, as is the case with me, there is a great deal in the
+drawing-room to refresh you. There are the Japanese fans on the wall,
+which are things of beauty, though your artistic taste may not be
+sufficiently educated to let you know it except by hearsay; and it is
+pleasant to feel that they were bought with money which, in the foolish
+old days, would have been squandered on a box of cigars. In like manner
+every pretty trifle in the room reminds you how much wiser you are now
+than you used to be. It is even gratifying to stand in summer at the
+drawing-room window and watch the very cabbies passing with cigars in
+their mouths. At the same time, if I had the making of the laws I would
+prohibit people's smoking in the street. If they are married men, they
+are smoking drawing-room fire-screens and mantelpiece borders for the
+pink-and-gold room. If they are bachelors, it is a scandal that
+bachelors should get the best of everything.
+
+Nothing is more pitiable than the way some men of my acquaintance
+enslave themselves to tobacco.
+
+Nay, worse, they make an idol of some one particular tobacco. I know a
+man who considers a certain mixture so superior to all others that he
+will walk three miles for it. Surely every one will admit that this
+is lamentable. It is not even a good mixture, for I used to try it
+occasionally; and if there is one man in London who knows tobaccoes it
+is myself. There is only one mixture in London deserving the adjective
+superb. I will not say where it is to be got, for the result would
+certainly be that many foolish men would smoke more than ever; but I
+never knew anything to compare to it. It is deliciously mild yet full of
+fragrance, and it never burns the tongue. If you try it once you smoke
+it ever afterward. It clears the brain and soothes the temper. When
+I went away for a holiday anywhere I took as much of that exquisite
+health-giving mixture as I thought would last me the whole time, but
+I always ran out of it. Then I telegraphed to London for more, and was
+miserable until it arrived. How I tore the lid off the canister! That
+is a tobacco to live for. But I am better without it.
+
+Occasionally I feel a little depressed after dinner still, without being
+able to say why, and if my wife has left me, I wander about the room
+restlessly, like one who misses something. Usually, however, she takes
+me with her to the drawing-room, and reads aloud her delightfully long
+home-letters or plays soft music to me. If the music be sweet and sad it
+takes me away to a stair in an inn, which I climb gayly, and shake open
+a heavy door on the top floor, and turn up the gas. It is a little room
+I am in once again, and very dusty. A pile of papers and magazines
+stands as high as a table in the corner furthest from the door. The cane
+chair shows the exact shape of Marriot's back. What is left (after
+lighting the fire) of a frame picture lies on the hearth-rug. Gilray
+walks in uninvited. He has left word that his visitors are to be sent on
+to me. The room fills. My hand feels along the mantelpiece for a brown
+jar. The jar is between my knees; I fill my pipe....
+
+After a time the music ceases, and my wife puts her hand on my shoulder.
+Perhaps I start a little, and then she says I have been asleep. This is
+the book of my dreams.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+MY FIRST CIGAR.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was not in my chambers, but three hundred miles further north, that
+I learned to smoke. I think I may say with confidence that a first cigar
+was never smoked in such circumstances before.
+
+At that time I was a school-boy, living with my brother, who was a man.
+People mistook our relations, and thought I was his son. They would ask
+me how my father was, and when he heard of this he scowled at me. Even
+to this day I look so young that people who remember me as a boy now
+think I must be that boy's younger brother. I shall tell presently of
+a strange mistake of this kind, but at present I am thinking of the
+evening when my brother's eldest daughter was born--perhaps the most
+trying evening he and I ever passed together. So far as I knew, the
+affair was very sudden, and I felt sorry for my brother as well as for
+myself.
+
+We sat together in the study, he on an arm-chair drawn near the fire and
+I on the couch. I cannot say now at what time I began to have an inkling
+that there was something wrong. It came upon me gradually and made
+me very uncomfortable, though of course I did not show this. I heard
+people going up and down stairs, but I was not at that time naturally
+suspicious. Comparatively early in the evening I felt that my brother
+had something on his mind. As a rule, when we were left together, he
+yawned or drummed with his fingers on the arm of his chair to show that
+he did not feel uncomfortable, or I made a pretence of being at ease by
+playing with the dog or saying that the room was close. Then one of us
+would rise, remark that he had left his book in the dining-room, and
+go away to look for it, taking care not to come back till the other
+had gone. In this crafty way we helped each other. On that occasion,
+however, he did not adopt any of the usual methods, and though I went
+up to my bedroom several times and listened through the wall, I heard
+nothing. At last some one told me not to go upstairs, and I returned
+to the study, feeling that I now knew the worst. He was still in the
+arm-chair, and I again took to the couch. I could see by the way he
+looked at me over his pipe that he was wondering whether I knew
+anything. I don't think I ever liked my brother better than on that
+night; and I wanted him to understand that, whatever happened, it would
+make no difference between us. But the affair upstairs was too delicate
+to talk of, and all I could do was to try to keep his mind from brooding
+on it, by making him tell me things about politics. This is the kind of
+man my brother is. He is an astonishing master of facts, and I suppose
+he never read a book yet, from a Blue Book to a volume of verse,
+without catching the author in error about something. He reads books
+for that purpose. As a rule I avoided argument with him, because he was
+disappointed if I was right and stormed if I was wrong. It was therefore
+a dangerous thing to begin on politics, but I thought the circumstances
+warranted it. To my surprise he answered me in a rambling manner,
+occasionally breaking off in the middle of a sentence and seeming to
+listen for something. I tried him on history, and mentioned 1822 as the
+date of the battle of Waterloo, merely to give him his opportunity. But
+he let it pass. After that there was silence. By and by he rose from
+his chair, apparently to leave the room, and then sat down again, as if
+he had thought better of it. He did this several times, always eying me
+narrowly. Wondering how I could make it easier for him, I took up a book
+and pretended to read with deep attention, meaning to show him that he
+could go away if he liked without my noticing it. At last he jumped up,
+and, looking at me boldly, as if to show that the house was his and
+he could do what he liked in it, went heavily from the room. As soon
+as he was gone I laid down my book. I was now in a state of nervous
+excitement, though outwardly I was quite calm. I took a look at him as
+he went up the stairs, and noticed that he had slipped off his shoes
+on the bottom step. All haughtiness had left him now.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+In a little while he came back. He found me reading. He lighted his pipe
+and pretended to read too. I shall never forget that my book was "Anne
+Judge, Spinster," while his was a volume of "Blackwood." Every five
+minutes his pipe went out, and sometimes the book lay neglected on his
+knee as he stared at the fire. Then he would go out for five minutes and
+come back again. It was late now, and I felt that I should like to go to
+my bedroom and lock myself in. That, however, would have been selfish;
+so we sat on defiantly. At last he started from his chair as some one
+knocked at the door. I heard several people talking, and then loud above
+their voices a younger one.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When I came to myself, the first thing I thought was that they would ask
+me to hold it. Then I remembered, with another sinking at the heart,
+that they might want to call it after me. These, of course, were selfish
+reflections; but my position was a trying one. The question was, what
+was the proper thing for me to do? I told myself that my brother might
+come back at any moment, and all I thought of after that was what I
+should say to him. I had an idea that I ought to congratulate him, but
+it seemed a brutal thing to do. I had not made up my mind when I heard
+him coming down. He was laughing and joking in what seemed to me a
+flippant kind of way, considering the circumstances. When his hand
+touched the door I snatched at my book and read as hard as I could. He
+was swaggering a little as he entered, but the swagger went out of him
+as soon as his eye fell on me. I fancy he had come down to tell me,
+and now he did not know how to begin. He walked up and down the room
+restlessly, looking at me as he walked the one way, while I looked at
+him as he walked the other way. At length he sat down again and took up
+his book. He did not try to smoke. The silence was something terrible;
+nothing was to be heard but an occasional cinder falling from the grate.
+This lasted, I should say, for twenty minutes, and then he closed his
+book and flung it on the table. I saw that the game was up, and closed
+"Anne Judge, Spinster." Then he said, with affected jocularity: "Well,
+young man, do you know that you are an uncle?" There was silence again,
+for I was still trying to think out some appropriate remark. After a
+time I said, in a weak voice. "Boy or girl?" "Girl," he answered. Then
+I thought hard again, and all at once remembered something. "Both doing
+well?" I whispered. "Yes," he said sternly. I felt that something great
+was expected of me, but I could not jump up and wring his hand. I was an
+uncle. I stretched out my arm toward the cigar-box, and firmly lighted
+my first cigar.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+THE ARCADIA MIXTURE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+Darkness comes, and with it the porter to light our stair gas. He
+vanishes into his box. Already the inn is so quiet that the tap of a
+pipe on a window-sill startles all the sparrows in the quadrangle. The
+men on my stair emerged from their holes. Scrymgeour, in a
+dressing-gown, pushes open the door of the boudoir on the first floor,
+and climbs lazily. The sentimental face and the clay with a crack in it
+are Marriot's. Gilray, who has been rehearsing his part in the new
+original comedy from the Icelandic, ceases muttering and feels his way
+along his dark lobby. Jimmy pins a notice on his door, "Called away on
+business," and crosses to me. Soon we are all in the old room again,
+Jimmy on the hearth-rug, Marriot in the cane chair; the curtains are
+pinned together with a pen-nib, and the five of us are smoking the
+Arcadia Mixture.
+
+Pettigrew will be welcomed if he comes, but he is a married man, and we
+seldom see him nowadays. Others will be regarded as intruders. If they
+are smoking common tobaccoes, they must either be allowed to try ours
+or requested to withdraw. One need only put his head in at my door to
+realize that tobaccoes are of two kinds, the Arcadia and others. No
+one who smokes the Arcadia would ever attempt to describe its delights,
+for his pipe would be certain to go out. When he was at school, Jimmy
+Moggridge smoked a cane chair, and he has since said that from cane to
+ordinary mixtures was not so noticeable as the change from ordinary
+mixtures to the Arcadia. I ask no one to believe this, for the confirmed
+smoker in Arcadia detests arguing with anybody about anything. Were I
+anxious to prove Jimmy's statement, I would merely give you the only
+address at which the Arcadia is to be had. But that I will not do. It
+would be as rash as proposing a man with whom I am unacquainted for
+my club. You may not be worthy to smoke the Arcadia Mixture.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Even though I became attached to you, I might not like to take the
+responsibility of introducing you to the Arcadia. This mixture has an
+extraordinary effect upon character, and probably you want to remain as
+you are. Before I discovered the Arcadia, and communicated it to the
+other five--including Pettigrew--we had all distinct individualities,
+but now, except in appearance--and the Arcadia even tells on that--we
+are as like as holly leaves. We have the same habits, the same ways of
+looking at things, the same satisfaction in each other. No doubt we are
+not yet absolutely alike, indeed I intend to prove this, but in given
+circumstances we would probably do the same thing, and, furthermore, it
+would be what other people would not do. Thus when we are together we
+are only to be distinguished by our pipes; but any one of us in the
+company of persons who smoke other tobaccoes would be considered highly
+original. He would be a pigtail in Europe.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+If you meet in company a man who has ideas and is not shy, yet refuses
+absolutely to be drawn into talk, you may set him down as one of us.
+Among the first effects of the Arcadia is to put an end to jabber.
+Gilray had at one time the reputation of being such a brilliant talker
+that Arcadians locked their doors on him, but now he is a man that can
+be invited anywhere. The Arcadia is entirely responsible for the change.
+Perhaps I myself am the most silent of our company, and hostesses
+usually think me shy. They ask ladies to draw me out, and when the
+ladies find me as hopeless as a sulky drawer, they call me stupid. The
+charge may be true, but I do not resent it, for I smoke the Arcadia
+Mixture, and am consequently indifferent to abuse.
+
+I willingly gibbet myself to show how reticent the Arcadia makes us.
+It happens that I have a connection with Nottingham, and whenever a
+man mentions Nottingham to me, with a certain gleam in his eye, I know
+that he wants to discuss the lace trade. But it is a curious fact that
+the aggressive talker constantly mixes up Nottingham and Northampton.
+"Oh, you know Nottingham," he says, interestedly; "and how do you like
+Labouchere for a member?" Do you think I put him right? Do you imagine
+me thirsting to tell that Mr. Labouchere is the Christian member for
+Northampton? Do you suppose me swift to explain that Mr. Broadhurst
+is one of the Nottingham members, and that the "Nottingham lambs"
+are notorious in the history of political elections? Do you fancy me
+explaining that he is quite right in saying that Nottingham has a large
+market-place? Do you see me drawn into half an hour's talk about Robin
+Hood? That is not my way. I merely reply that we like Mr. Labouchere
+pretty well. It may be said that I gain nothing by this; that the talker
+will be as curious about Northampton as he would have been about
+Nottingham, and that Bradlaugh and Labouchere and boots will serve his
+turn quite as well as Broadhurst and lace and Robin Hood. But that is
+not so. Beginning on Northampton in the most confident manner, it
+suddenly flashes across him that he has mistaken Northampton for
+Nottingham. "How foolish of me!" he says. I maintain a severe silence.
+He is annoyed. My experience of talkers tells me that nothing annoys
+them so much as a blunder of this kind. From the coldly polite way in
+which I have taken the talker's remarks, he discovers the value I put
+upon them, and after that, if he has a neighbor on the other side, he
+leaves me alone.
+
+Enough has been said to show that the Arcadian's golden rule is to
+be careful about what he says. This does not mean that he is to say
+nothing. As society is at present constituted you are bound to make an
+occasional remark. But you need not make it rashly. It has been said
+somewhere that it would be well for talkative persons to count twenty,
+or to go over the alphabet, before they let fall the observation that
+trembles on their lips. The non-talker has no taste for such an
+unintellectual exercise. At the same time he must not hesitate too
+long, for, of course, it is to his advantage to introduce the subject.
+He ought to think out a topic of which his neighbor will not be able
+to make very much. To begin on the fall of snow, or the number of
+tons of turkeys consumed on Christmas Day, as stated in the _Daily
+Telegraph_, is to deserve your fate. If you are at a dinner-party
+of men only, take your host aside, and in a few well-considered
+sentences find out from him what kind of men you are to sit between
+during dinner. Perhaps one of them is an African traveller. A knowledge
+of this prevents your playing into his hands, by remarking that the
+papers are full of the relief of Emin Pasha. These private inquiries
+will also save you from talking about Mr. Chamberlain to a neighbor who
+turns out to be the son of a Birmingham elector. Allow that man his
+chance, and he will not only give you the Birmingham gossip, but what
+individual electors said about Mr. Chamberlain to the banker or the
+tailor, and what the grocer did the moment the poll was declared, with
+particulars about the antiquity of Birmingham and the fishing to be had
+in the neighborhood. What you ought to do is to talk about Emin Pasha
+to this man, and to the traveller about Mr. Chamberlain, taking care, of
+course, to speak in a low voice. In that way you may have comparative
+peace. Everything, however, depends on the calibre of your neighbors. If
+they agree to look upon you as an honorable antagonist, and so to fight
+fair, the victory will be to him who deserves it; that is to say, to the
+craftier man of the two. But talkers, as a rule, do not fight fair. They
+consider silent men their prey. It will thus be seen that I distinguish
+between talkers, admitting that some of them are worse than others. The
+lowest in the social scale is he who stabs you in the back, as it were,
+instead of crossing swords. If one of the gentlemen introduced to you is
+of that type, he will not be ashamed to say, "Speaking of Emin Pasha,
+I wonder if Mr. Chamberlain is interested in the relief expedition.
+I don't know if I told you that my father----" and there he is, fairly
+on horseback. It is seldom of any use to tempt him into other channels.
+Better turn to your traveller and let him describe the different routes
+to Egyptian Equatorial Provinces, with his own views thereon. Allow him
+even to draw a map of Africa with a fork on the table-cloth. A talker of
+this kind is too full of his subject to insist upon answering questions,
+so that he does not trouble you much. It is his own dinner that is
+spoiled rather than yours. Treat in the same way as the Chamberlain
+talker the man who sits down beside you and begins, "Remarkable man,
+Mr. Gladstone."
+
+There was a ventilator in my room, which sometimes said "Crik-crik!"
+reminding us that no one had spoken for an hour. Occasionally, however,
+we had lapses of speech, when Gilray might tell over again--though not
+quite as I mean to tell it--the story of his first pipeful of the
+Arcadia, or Scrymgeour, the travelled man, would give us the list of
+famous places in Europe where he had smoked. But, as a rule, none of us
+paid much attention to what the others said, and after the last pipe the
+room emptied--unless Marriot insisted on staying behind to bore me with
+his scruples--by first one and then another putting his pipe into his
+pocket and walking silently out of the room.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+MY PIPES.
+
+
+In a select company of scoffers my brier was known as the Mermaid. The
+mouth-piece was a cigarette-holder, and months of unwearied practice
+were required before you found the angle at which the bowl did not drop
+off.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This brings me to one of the many advantages that my brier had over
+all other pipes. It has given me a reputation for gallantry, to which
+without it I fear I could lay no claim. I used to have a passion for
+repartee, especially in the society of ladies. But it is with me as with
+many other men of parts whose wit has ever to be fired by a long fuse:
+my best things strike me as I wend my way home. This embittered my early
+days; and not till the pride of youth had been tamed could I stop to lay
+in a stock of repartee on likely subjects the night before. Then my
+pipe helped me. It was the apparatus that carried me to my prettiest
+compliment. Having exposed my pipe in some prominent place where it
+could hardly escape notice, I took measures for insuring a visit from
+a lady, young, graceful, accomplished. Or I might have it ready for a
+chance visitor. On her arrival, I conducted her to a seat near my pipe.
+It is not good to hurry on to the repartee at once; so I talked for
+a time of the weather, the theatres, the new novel. I kept my eye
+on her; and by and by she began to look about her. She observed the
+strange-looking pipe. Now is the critical moment. It is possible that
+she may pass it by without remark, in which case all is lost; but
+experience has shown me that four times out of six she touches it in
+assumed horror, to pass some humorous remark. Off tumbles the bowl.
+"Oh," she exclaims, "see what I have done! I am so sorry!" I pull myself
+together. "Madame," I reply calmly, and bowing low, "what else was to be
+expected? You came near my pipe--and it lost its head." She blushes, but
+cannot help being pleased; and I set my pipe for the next visitor. By
+the help of a note-book, of course, I guarded myself against paying this
+very neat compliment to any person more than once. However, after I
+smoked the Arcadia the desire to pay ladies compliments went from me.
+
+Journeying back into the past, I come to a time when my pipe had a
+mouth-piece of fine amber. The bowl and the rest of the stem were of
+brier, but it was a gentlemanly pipe, without silver mountings. Such
+tobacco I revelled in as may have filled the pouch of Pan as he lay
+smoking on the mountain-sides. Once I saw a beautiful woman with
+brown hair, in and out of which the rays of a morning sun played
+hide-and-seek, that might not unworthily have been compared to it.
+Beguiled by the exquisite Arcadia, the days and the years passed from me
+in delicate rings of smoke, and I contentedly watched them sailing to
+the skies. How continuous was the line of those lovely circles, and how
+straight! One could have passed an iron rod through them from end to
+end. But one day I had a harsh awakening. I bit the amber mouth-piece
+of my pipe through, and life was never the same again.
+
+It is strange how attached we become to old friends, though they be but
+inanimate objects. The old pipe put aside, I turned to a meerschaum,
+which had been presented to me years before, with the caution that I
+must not smoke it unless I wore kid gloves. There was no savor in that
+pipe for me. I tried another brier, and it made me unhappy. Clays would
+not keep in with me. It seemed as if they knew I was hankering after the
+old pipe, and went out in disgust. Then I got a new amber mouth-piece
+for my first love. In a week I had bitten that through too, and in an
+over-anxious attempt to file off the ragged edges I broke the screw.
+Moralists have said that the smoker who has no thought but for his pipe
+never breaks it; that it is he only who while smoking concentrates his
+mind on some less worthy object that sends his teeth through the amber.
+This may be so; for I am a philosopher, and when working out new
+theories I may have been careless even of that which inspired them most.
+
+After this second accident nothing went well with me or with my pipe.
+I took the mouthpieces out of other pipes and fixed them on to the
+Mermaid. In a little while one of them became too wide; another broke as
+I was screwing it more firmly in. Then the bowl cracked at the rim and
+split at the bottom. This was an annoyance until I found out what was
+wrong and plugged up the fissures with sealing-wax. The wax melted and
+dropped upon my clothes after a time; but it was easily renewed.
+
+It was now that I had the happy thought of bringing a cigarette-holder
+to my assistance. But of course one cannot make a pipe-stem out of a
+cigarette-holder all at once. The thread you wind round the screw has
+a disappointing way of coming undone, when down falls the bowl, with
+an escape of sparks. Twisting a piece of paper round the screw is an
+improvement; but, until you have acquired the knack, the operation has
+to be renewed every time you relight your pipe. This involves a sad loss
+of time, and in my case it afforded a butt for the dull wit of visitors.
+Otherwise I found it satisfactory, and I was soon astonishingly adept
+at making paper screws. Eventually my brier became as serviceable as
+formerly, though not, perhaps, so handsome. I fastened on the holder
+with sealing-wax, and often a week passed without my having to renew the
+joint.
+
+It was no easy matter lighting a pipe like mine, especially when I had
+no matches. I always meant to buy a number of boxes, but somehow I put
+off doing it. Occasionally I found a box of vestas on my mantelpiece,
+which some caller had left there by mistake, or sympathizing, perhaps,
+with my case; but they were such a novelty that I never felt quite at
+home with them. Generally I remembered they were there just after my
+pipe was lighted.
+
+
+When I kept them in mind and looked forward to using them, they were
+at the other side of the room, and it would have been a pity to get
+up for them. Besides, the most convenient medium for lighting one's
+pipe is paper, after all; and if you have not an old envelope in your
+pocket, there is probably a photograph standing on the mantelpiece.
+It is convenient to have the magazines lying handy; or a page from a
+book--hand-made paper burns beautifully--will do. To be sure, there is
+the lighting of your paper. For this your lamp is practically useless,
+standing in the middle of the table, while you are in an easy-chair
+by the fireside; and as for the tape-and-spark contrivance, it is the
+introduction of machinery into the softest joys of life. The fire is
+best. It is near you, and you drop your burning spill into it with a
+minimum waste of energy. The proper fire for pipes is one in a cheerful
+blaze. If your spill is carelessly constructed the flame runs up into
+your fingers before you know what you are doing, so that it is as well
+to marry and get your wife to make spills for you. Before you begin to
+smoke, scatter these about the fireplace. Then you will be able to reach
+them without rising. The irritating fire is the one that has burned
+low--when the coals are more than half cinders, and cling to each other
+in fear of death. With such a fire it is no use attempting to light a
+pipe all at once. Your better course now is to drop little bits of paper
+into the likely places in the fire, and have a spill ready to apply to
+the one that lights first. It is an anxious moment, for they may merely
+shrivel up sullenly without catching fire, and in that case some men
+lose their tempers. Bad to lose your temper over your pipe----
+
+[Illustration]
+
+No pipe really ever rivalled the brier in my affections, though I can
+recall a mad month when I fell in love with two little meerschaums,
+which I christened Romulus and Remus. They lay together in one case in
+Regent Street, and it was with difficulty that I could pass the shop
+without going in. Often I took side streets to escape their glances, but
+at last I asked the price. It startled me, and I hurried home to the
+brier.
+
+I forget when it was that a sort of compromise struck me. This was
+that I should present the pipes to my brother as a birthday gift. Did
+I really mean to do this, or was I only trying to cheat my conscience?
+Who can tell? I hurried again into Regent Street. There they were, more
+beautiful than ever. I hovered about the shop for quite half an hour
+that day. My indecision and vacillation were pitiful. Buttoning up my
+coat, I would rush from the window, only to find myself back again in
+five minutes. Sometimes I had my hand on the shop door. Then I tore it
+away and hurried into Oxford Street. Then I slunk back again. Self
+whispered, "Buy them--for your brother." Conscience said, "Go home."
+At last I braced myself up for a magnificent effort, and jumped into
+a 'bus bound for London Bridge. This saved me for the time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I now began to calculate how I could become owner of the
+meerschaums--prior to dispatching them by parcel-post to my
+brother--without paying for them. That was my way of putting it.
+I calculated that by giving up my daily paper I should save thirteen
+shillings in six months. After all, why should I take in a daily paper?
+To read through columns of public speeches and police cases and murders
+in Paris is only to squander valuable time. Now, when I left home I
+promised my father not to waste my time. My father had been very good
+to me; why, then, should I do that which I had promised him not to
+do? Then, again, there were the theatres. During the past six months
+I had spent several pounds on theatres. Was this right? My mother, who
+has never, I think, been in a theatre, strongly advised me against
+frequenting such places. I did not take this much to heart at the time.
+Theatres did not seem to me to be immoral. But, after all, my mother
+is older than I am; and who am I, to set my views up against hers? By
+avoiding the theatres for the next six months, I am (already), say,
+three pounds to the good. I had been frittering away my money, too,
+on luxuries; and luxuries are effeminate. Thinking the matter over
+temperately and calmly in that way, I saw that I should be thoughtfully
+saving money, instead of spending it, by buying Romulus and Remus, as I
+already called them. At the same time, I should be gratifying my father
+and my mother, and leading a higher and a nobler life. Even then I do
+not know that I should have bought the pipes until the six months were
+up, had I not been driven to it by jealousy. On my life, love for a pipe
+is ever like love for a woman, though they say it is not so acute. Many
+a man thinks there is no haste to propose until he sees a hated rival
+approaching. Even if he is not in a hurry for the lady himself, he
+loathes the idea of her giving herself, in a moment of madness, to
+that other fellow. Rather than allow that, he proposes himself, and so
+insures her happiness. It was so with me. Romulus and Remus were taken
+from the window to show to a black-bearded, swarthy man, whom I
+suspected of designs upon them the moment he entered the shop. Ah, the
+agony of waiting until he came out! He was not worthy of them. I never
+knew how much I loved them until I had nearly lost them. As soon as he
+was gone I asked if he had priced them, and was told that he had. He was
+to call again to-morrow. I left a deposit of a guinea, hurried home for
+more money, and that night Romulus and Remus were mine. But I never
+really loved them as I loved my brier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+MY TOBACCO-POUCH.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I once knew a lady who said of her husband that he looked nice when
+sitting with a rug over him. My female relatives seemed to have the
+same opinion of my tobacco-pouch; for they never saw it, even in my own
+room, without putting a book or pamphlet over it. They called it "that
+thing," and made tongs of their knitting-needles to lift it; and when I
+indignantly returned it to my pocket, they raised their hands to signify
+that I would not listen to reason. It seemed to come natural to other
+persons to present me with new tobacco-pouches, until I had nearly a
+score lying neglected in drawers. But I am not the man to desert an old
+friend that has been with me everywhere and thoroughly knows my ways.
+Once, indeed, I came near to being unfaithful to my tobacco-pouch, and
+I mean to tell how--partly as a punishment to myself.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The incident took place several years ago. Gilray and I had set out on a
+walking tour of the Shakespeare country; but we separated at Stratford,
+which was to be our starting-point, because he would not wait for me. I
+am more of a Shakespearian student than Gilray, and Stratford affected
+me so much that I passed day after day smoking reverently at the hotel
+door; while he, being of the pure tourist type (not that I would say
+a word against Gilray), wanted to rush from one place of interest to
+another. He did not understand what thoughts came to me as I strolled
+down the Stratford streets; and in the hotel, when I lay down on the
+sofa, he said I was sleeping, though I was really picturing to myself
+Shakespeare's boyhood. Gilray even went the length of arguing that it
+would not be a walking tour at all if we never made a start; so, upon
+the whole, I was glad when he departed alone. The next day was a
+memorable one to me. In the morning I wrote to my London tobacconist for
+more Arcadia. I had quarrelled with both of the Stratford tobacconists.
+The one of them, as soon as he saw my tobacco-pouch, almost compelled
+me to buy a new one. The second was even more annoying. I paid with a
+half-sovereign for the tobacco I had got from him; but after gazing at
+the pouch he became suspicious of the coin, and asked if I could not pay
+him in silver. An insult to my pouch I considered an insult to myself;
+so I returned to those shops no more. The evening of the day on which
+I wrote to London for tobacco brought me a letter from home saying that
+my sister was seriously ill. I had left her in good health, so that the
+news was the more distressing. Of course I returned home by the first
+train. Sitting alone in a dull railway compartment, my heart was filled
+with tenderness, and I recalled the occasions on which I had carelessly
+given her pain. Suddenly I remembered that more than once she had
+besought me with tears in her eyes to fling away my old tobacco-pouch.
+She had always said that it was not respectable. In the bitterness of
+self-reproach I pulled the pouch from my pocket, asking myself whether,
+after all, the love of a good woman was not a far more precious
+possession. Without giving myself time to hesitate, I stood up and
+firmly cast my old pouch out at the window. I saw it fall at the foot
+of a fence. The train shot on.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+By the time I reached home my sister had been pronounced out of danger.
+Of course I was much relieved to hear it, but at the same time this was
+a lesson to me not to act rashly. The retention of my tobacco-pouch
+would not have retarded her recovery, and I could not help picturing my
+pouch, my oldest friend in the world, lying at the foot of that fence.
+I saw that I had done wrong in casting it from me. I had not even the
+consolation of feeling that if any one found it he would cherish it, for
+it was so much damaged that I knew it could never appeal to a new owner
+as it appealed to me. I had intended telling my sister of the sacrifice
+made for her sake; but after seeing her so much better, I left the room
+without doing so. There was Arcadia Mixture in the house, but I had not
+the heart to smoke. I went early to bed, and fell into a troubled sleep,
+from which I awoke with a shiver. The rain was driving against my
+window, tapping noisily on it as if calling on me to awake and go back
+for my tobacco-pouch. It rained far on into the morning, and I lay
+miserably, seeing nothing before me but a wet fence, and a tobacco-pouch
+among the grass at the foot of it.
+
+On the following afternoon I was again at Stratford. So far as I could
+remember, I had flung away the pouch within a few miles of the station;
+but I did not look for it until dusk. I felt that the porters had their
+eyes on me. By crouching along hedges I at last reached the railway a
+mile or two from the station, and began my search. It may be thought
+that the chances were against my finding the pouch; but I recovered it
+without much difficulty. The scene as I flung my old friend out at the
+window had burned itself into my brain, and I could go to the spot
+to-day as readily as I went on that occasion. There it was, lying among
+the grass, but not quite in the place where it had fallen. Apparently
+some navvy had found it, looked at it, and then dropped it. It was
+half-full of water, and here and there it was sticking together; but
+I took it up tenderly, and several times on the way back to the station
+I felt in my pocket to make sure that it was really there.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have not described the appearance of my pouch, feeling that to be
+unnecessary. It never, I fear, quite recovered from its night in the
+rain, and as my female relatives refused to touch it, I had to sew it
+together now and then myself. Gilray used to boast of a way of mending
+a hole in a tobacco-pouch that was better than sewing. You put the two
+pieces of gutta-percha close together and then cut them sharply with
+scissors. This makes them run together, he says, and I believed him
+until he experimented upon my pouch. However, I did not object to a hole
+here and there. Wherever I laid that pouch it left a small deposit of
+tobacco, and thus I could generally get together a pipeful at times
+when other persons would be destitute. I never told my sister that my
+pouch was once all but lost, but ever after that, when she complained
+that I had never even tried to do without it, I smiled tenderly.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+MY SMOKING-TABLE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Had it not been for a bootblack at Charing Cross I should probably never
+have bought the smoking-table. I had to pass that boy every morning. In
+vain did I scowl at him, or pass with my head to the side. He always
+pointed derisively (as I thought) at my boots. Probably my boots were
+speckless, but that made no difference; he jeered and sneered. I have
+never hated any one as I loathed that boy, and to escape him I took to
+going round by the Lowther Arcade. It was here that my eye fell on the
+smoking-table. In the Lowther Arcade, if the attendants catch you
+looking at any article for a fraction of a second, it is done up in
+brown paper, you have paid your money, and they have taken down your
+address before you realize that you don't want anything. In this way I
+became the owner of my smoking-table, and when I saw it in a brown-paper
+parcel on my return to my chambers I could not think what it was until
+I cut the strings. Such a little gem of a table no smokers should be
+without; and I am not ashamed to say that I was in love with mine
+as soon as I had fixed the pieces together. It was of walnut, and
+consisted mainly of a stalk and two round slabs not much bigger than
+dinner-plates. There were holes in the centre of these slabs for the
+stalk to go through, and the one slab stood two feet from the floor, the
+other a foot higher. The lower slab was fitted with a walnut tobacco-jar
+and a pipe-rack, while on the upper slab were exquisite little recesses
+for cigars, cigarettes, matches, and ashes. These held respectively
+three cigars, two cigarettes, and four wax vestas. The smoking-table
+was an ornament to any room; and the first night I had it I raised my
+eyes from my book to look at it every few minutes. I got all my pipes
+together and put them in the rack; I filled the jar with tobacco, the
+recesses with three cigars, two cigarettes, and four matches; and then
+I thought I would have a smoke. I swept my hand confidently along the
+mantelpiece, but it did not stop at a pipe. I rose and looked for a
+pipe. I had half a dozen, but not one was to be seen--none on the
+mantelpiece, none on the window-sill, none on the hearth-rug, none being
+used as book-markers. I tugged at the bell till William John came in
+quaking, and then I asked him fiercely what he had done with my pipes. I
+was so obviously not to be trifled with that William John, as we called
+him, because some thought his name was William, while others thought it
+was John, very soon handed me my favorite pipe, which he found in the
+rack on the smoking-table. This incident illustrates one of the very few
+drawbacks of smoking-tables. Not being used to them, you forget about
+them. William John, however, took the greatest pride in the table, and
+whenever he saw a pipe lying on the rug he pounced upon it and placed
+it, like a prisoner, in the rack. He was also most particular about the
+three cigars, the two cigarettes, and the four wax vestas, keeping them
+carefully in the proper compartments, where, unfortunately, I seldom
+thought of looking for them.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The fatal defect of the smoking-table, however, was that it was
+generally rolling about the floor--the stalk in one corner, the slabs
+here and there, the cigars on the rug to be trampled on, the lid of the
+tobacco-jar beneath a chair. Every morning William John had to put the
+table together. Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally. I would
+fling a crumpled piece of paper into the waste-paper basket. It missed
+the basket but hit the smoking-table, which went down like a wooden
+soldier. When my fire went out, just because I had taken my eyes off it
+for a moment, I called it names and flung the tongs at it. There was a
+crash--the smoking-table again. In time I might have remedied this; but
+there is one weakness which I could not stand in any smoking-table. A
+smoking-table ought to be so constructed that from where you are sitting
+you can stretch out your feet, twist them round the stalk, and so lift
+the table to the spot where it will be handiest. This my smoking-table
+would never do. The moment I had it in the air it wanted to stand on its
+head.
+
+Though I still admired smoking-tables as much as ever, I began to want
+very much to give this one away. The difficulty was not so much to know
+whom to give it to as how to tie it up. My brother was the very person,
+for I owed him a letter, and this, I thought, would do instead. For a
+month I meant to pack the table up and send it to him; but I always put
+off doing it, and at last I thought the best plan would be to give it to
+Scrymgeour, who liked elegant furniture. As a smoker, Scrymgeour seemed
+the very man to appreciate a pretty, useful little table. Besides, all
+I had to do was to send William John down with it. Scrymgeour was out
+at the time; but we left it at the side of his fireplace as a pleasant
+surprise. Next morning, to my indignation, it was back at the side of
+my fireplace, and in the evening Scrymgeour came and upbraided me for
+trying, as he most unworthily expressed it, "to palm the thing off on
+him." He was no sooner gone than I took the table to pieces to send it
+to my brother. I tied the stalk up in brown paper, meaning to get a box
+for the other parts. William John sent off the stalk, and for some days
+the other pieces littered the floor. My brother wrote me saying he had
+received something from me, for which his best thanks; but would I tell
+him what it was, as it puzzled everybody? This was his impatient way;
+but I made an effort, and sent off the other pieces to him in a hat-box.
+
+That was a year ago, and since then I have only heard the history of
+the smoking-table in fragments. My brother liked it immensely; but
+he thought it was too luxurious for a married man, so he sent it to
+Reynolds, in Edinburgh. Not knowing Reynolds, I cannot say what his
+opinion was; but soon afterward I heard of its being in the possession
+of Grayson, who was charmed with it, but gave it to Pelle, because it
+was hardly in its place in a bachelor's establishment. Later a town man
+sent it to a country gentleman as just the thing for the country; and it
+was afterward in Liverpool as the very thing for a town. There I thought
+it was lost, so far as I was concerned. One day, however, Boyd, a friend
+of mine who lives in Glasgow, came to me for a week, and about six hours
+afterward he said that he had a present for me. He brought it into my
+sitting-room--a bulky parcel--and while he was undoing the cords he told
+me it was something quite novel; he had bought it in Glasgow the day
+before. When I saw a walnut leg I started; in another two minutes I was
+trying to thank Boyd for my own smoking-table. I recognized it by the
+dents. I was too much the gentleman to insist on an explanation from
+Boyd; but, though it seems a harsh thing to say, my opinion is that
+these different persons gave the table away because they wanted to get
+rid of it. William John has it now.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+GILRAY.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Gilray is an actor, whose life I may be said to have strangely
+influenced, for it was I who brought him and the Arcadia Mixture
+together. After that his coming to live on our stair was only a matter
+of rooms being vacant.
+
+We met first in the Merediths' house-boat, the _Tawny Owl_, which
+was then lying at Molesey. Gilray, as I soon saw, was a man trying to be
+miserable, and finding it the hardest task in life. It is strange that
+the philosophers have never hit upon this profound truth. No man ever
+tried harder to be unhappy than Gilray; but the luck was against him,
+and he was always forgetting himself. Mark Tapley succeeded in being
+jolly in adverse circumstances; Gilray failed, on the whole, in being
+miserable in a delightful house-boat. It is, however, so much more
+difficult to keep up misery than jollity that I like to think of his
+attempt as what the dramatic critics call a _succes d'estime_.
+
+The _Tawny Owl_ lay on the far side of the island. There were
+ladies in it; and Gilray's misery was meant to date from the moment when
+he asked one of them a question, and she said "No." Gilray was strangely
+unlucky during the whole of his time on board. His evil genius was
+there, though there was very little room for him, and played sad pranks.
+Up to the time of his asking the question referred to, Gilray meant to
+create a pleasant impression by being jolly, and he only succeeded in
+being as depressing as Jaques. Afterward he was to be unutterably
+miserable; and it was all he could do to keep himself at times from
+whirling about in waltz tune. But then the nearest boat had a piano on
+board, and some one was constantly playing dance music. Gilray had an
+idea that it would have been the proper thing to leave Molesey when
+she said "No;" and he would have done so had not the barbel-fishing
+been so good. The barbel-fishing was altogether unfortunate--at least
+Gilray's passion for it was. I have thought--and so sometimes has
+Gilray--that if it had not been for a barbel she might not have said
+"No." He was fishing from the house-boat when he asked the question. You
+know how you fish from a house-boat. The line is flung into the water
+and the rod laid down on deck. You keep an eye on it. Barbel-fishing, in
+fact, reminds one of the independent sort of man who is quite willing to
+play host to you, but wishes you clearly to understand at the same time
+that he can do without you. "Glad to see you with us if you have nothing
+better to do; but please yourself," is what he says to his friends. This
+is also the form of invitation to barbel. Now it happened that she and
+Gilray were left alone in the house-boat. It was evening; some Chinese
+lanterns had been lighted, and Gilray, though you would not think it
+to look at him, is romantic. He cast his line, and, turning to his
+companion, asked her the question. From what he has told me he asked it
+very properly, and all seemed to be going well. She turned away her head
+(which is said not to be a bad sign) and had begun to reply, when a
+woful thing happened. The line stiffened, and there was a whirl of the
+reel. Who can withstand that music? You can ask a question at any time,
+but, even at Molesey, barbel are only to be got now and then. Gilray
+rushed to his rod and began playing the fish. He called to his companion
+to get the landing-net. She did so; and after playing his barbel for ten
+minutes Gilray landed it. Then he turned to her again, and she said, "No."
+
+Gilray sees now that he made a mistake in not departing that night by
+the last train. He overestimated his strength. However, we had something
+to do with his staying on, and he persuaded himself that he remained
+just to show her that she had ruined his life. Once, I believe, he
+repeated his question; but in reply she only asked him if he had caught
+any more barbel. Considering the surprisingly fine weather, the
+barbel-fishing, and the piano on the other boat, Gilray was perhaps
+as miserable as could reasonably have been expected. Where he ought to
+have scored best, however, he was most unlucky. She had a hammock swung
+between two trees, close to the boat, and there she lay, holding a novel
+in her hand. From the hammock she had a fine view of the deck, and this
+was Gilray's chance. As soon as he saw her comfortably settled, he
+pulled a long face and climbed on deck. There he walked up and down,
+trying to look the image of despair. When she made some remark to
+him, his plan was to show that, though he answered cordially, his
+cheerfulness was the result of a terrible inward struggle. He did
+contrive to accomplish this if he was waiting for her observation; but
+she sometimes took him unawares, starting a subject in which he was
+interested. Then, forgetting his character, he would talk eagerly
+or jest with her across the strip of water, until with a start he
+remembered what he had become. He would seek to recover himself after
+that; but of course it was too late to create a really lasting
+impression. Even when she left him alone, watching him, I fear, over
+the top of her novel, he disappointed himself. For five minutes or so
+everything would go well; he looked as dejected as possible; but as he
+fell he was succeeding he became so self-satisfied that he began to
+strut. A pleased expression crossed his face, and instead of allowing
+his head to hang dismally, he put it well back. Sometimes, when we
+wanted to please him, we said he looked as glum as a mute at a funeral.
+Even that, however, defeated his object, for it flattered him so much
+that he smiled with gratification.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Gilray made one great sacrifice by giving up smoking, though not indeed
+such a sacrifice as mine, for up to this time he did not know the
+Arcadia Mixture. Perhaps the only time he really did look as miserable
+as he wished was late at night when we men sat up for a second last pipe
+before turning in. He looked wistfully at us from a corner. Yet as She
+had gone to rest, cruel fate made this of little account. His gloomy
+face saddened us too, and we tried to entice him to shame by promising
+not to mention it to the ladies. He almost yielded, and showed us that
+while we smoked he had been holding his empty brier in his right hand.
+For a moment he hesitated, then said fiercely that he did not care for
+smoking. Next night he was shown a novel, the hero of which had been
+"refused." Though the lady's hard-heartedness had a terrible effect on
+this fine fellow, he "strode away blowing great clouds into the air."
+"Standing there smoking in the moonlight," the authoress says in her
+next chapter, "De Courcy was a strangely romantic figure. He looked like
+a man who had done everything, who had been through the furnace and had
+not come out of it unscathed." This was precisely what Gilray wanted to
+look like. Again he hesitated, and then put his pipe in his pocket.
+
+It was now that I approached him with the Arcadia Mixture. I seldom
+recommend the Arcadia to men whom I do not know intimately, lest in
+the after-years I should find them unworthy of it. But just as Aladdin
+doubtless rubbed his lamp at times for show, there were occasions when
+I was ostentatiously liberal. If, after trying the Arcadia, the lucky
+smoker to whom I presented it did not start or seize my hand, or
+otherwise show that something exquisite had come into his life, I at
+once forgot his name and his existence. I approached Gilray, then,
+and without a word handed him my pouch, while the others drew nearer.
+Nothing was to be heard but the water oozing out and in beneath the
+house-boat. Gilray pushed the tobacco from him, as he might have pushed
+a bag of diamonds that he mistook for pebbles. I placed it against his
+arm, and motioned to the others not to look. Then I sat down beside
+Gilray, and almost smoked into his eyes. Soon the aroma reached him,
+and rapture struggled into his face. Slowly his fingers fastened on the
+pouch. He filled his pipe without knowing what he was doing, and I
+handed him a lighted spill. He took perhaps three puffs, and then gave
+me a look of reverence that I know well. It only comes to a man once in
+all its glory--the first time he tries the Arcadia Mixture--but it never
+altogether leaves him.
+
+"Where do you get it?" Gilray whispered, in hoarse delight.
+
+The Arcadia had him for its own.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+MARRIOT.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have hinted that Marriot was our sentimental member. He was seldom
+sentimental until after midnight, and then only when he and I were
+alone. Why he should have chosen me as the pail into which to pour his
+troubles I cannot say. I let him talk on, and when he had ended I showed
+him plainly that I had been thinking most of the time about something
+else. Whether Marriot was entirely a humbug or the most conscientious
+person on our stair, readers may decide. He was fond of argument if you
+did not answer him, and often wanted me to tell him if I thought he was
+in love; if so, why did I think so; if not, why not. What makes me on
+reflection fancy that he was sincere is that in his statements he would
+let his pipe go out.
+
+Of course I cannot give his words, but he would wait till all my other
+guests had gone, then softly lock the door, and returning to the cane
+chair empty himself in some such way as this:
+
+"I have something I want to talk to you about. Pass me a spill. Well, it
+is this. Before I came to your rooms to-night I was cleaning my pipe,
+when all at once it struck me that I might be in love. This is the kind
+of shock that pulls a man up and together. My first thought was, if it
+be love, well and good; I shall go on. As a gentleman I know my duty
+both to her and to myself. At present, however, I am not certain which
+she is. In love there are no degrees; of that at least I feel positive.
+It is a tempestuous, surging passion, or it is nothing. The question for
+me, therefore, is, Is this the beginning of a tempestuous, surging
+passion? But stop; does such a passion have a beginning? Should it not
+be in flood before we know what we are about? I don't want you to
+answer.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"One of my difficulties is that I cannot reason from experience. I
+cannot say to myself, During the spring of 1886, and again in October,
+1888, your breast has known the insurgence of a tempestuous passion. Do
+you now note the same symptoms? Have you experienced a sudden sinking
+at the heart, followed by thrills of exultation? Now I cannot even say
+that my appetite has fallen off, but I am smoking more than ever, and it
+is notorious that I experience sudden chills and thrills. Is this
+passion? No, I am not done; I have only begun.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"In 'As You Like It,' you remember, the love symptoms are described at
+length. But is _Rosalind_ to be taken seriously? Besides, though
+she wore boy's clothes, she had only the woman's point of view. I have
+consulted Stevenson's chapters on love in his delightful 'Virginibus
+Puerisque,' and one of them says, 'Certainly, if I could help it, I
+would never marry a wife who wrote.' Then I noticed a book published
+after that one, and entitled 'The New Arabian Nights, by Mr. and Mrs.
+Robert Louis Stevenson.' I shut 'Virginibus Puerisque' with a sigh, and
+put it away.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"But this inquiry need not, I feel confident, lead to nothing.
+Negatively I know love; for I do not require to be told what it is not,
+and I have my ideal. Putting my knowledge together and surveying it
+dispassionately in the mass, I am inclined to think that this is really
+love.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I may lay down as Proposition I. that surging, tempestuous passion
+comes involuntarily. You are heart-whole, when, as it were, the gates
+of your bosom open, in she sweeps, and the gates close. So far this is
+a faithful description of my case. Whatever it is, it came without any
+desire or volition on my part, and it looks as if it meant to stay. What
+I ask myself is--first, What is it? secondly, Where is it? thirdly, Who
+is it? and fourthly, What shall I do with it? I have thus my work cut
+out for me.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"What is it? I reply that I am stumped at once, unless I am allowed to
+fix upon an object definitely and precisely. This, no doubt, is arguing
+in a circle; but Descartes himself assumed what he was to try to prove.
+This, then, being permitted, I have chosen my object, and we can now go
+on again. What is it? Some might evade the difficulty by taking a middle
+course. You are not, they might say, in love as yet, but you are on
+the brink of it. The lady is no idol to you at present, but neither is
+she indifferent. You would not walk four miles in wet weather to get
+a rose from her; but if she did present you with a rose, you would not
+wittingly drop it down an area. In short, you have all but lost your
+heart. To this I reply simply, love is not a process, it is an event.
+You may unconsciously be on the brink of it, when all at once the ground
+gives way beneath you, and in you go. The difference between love and
+not-love, if I may be allowed the word, being so wide, my inquiry should
+produce decisive results. On the whole, therefore, and in the absence of
+direct proof to the contrary, I believe that the passion of love does
+possess me.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Where is it? This is the simplest question of the four. It is in the
+heart. It fills the heart to overflowing, so that if there were one drop
+more the heart would run over. Love is thus plainly a liquid: which
+accounts to some extent for its well-recognized habit of surging. Among
+its effects this may be noted: that it makes you miserable if you be
+not by the loved one's side. To hold her hand is ecstasy, to press it,
+rapture. The fond lover--as it might be myself--sees his beloved depart
+on a railway journey with apprehension. He never ceases to remember that
+engines burst and trains run off the line. In an agony he awaits the
+telegram that tells him she has reached Shepherd's Bush in safety.
+When he sees her talking, as if she liked it, to another man, he is
+torn, he is rent asunder, he is dismembered by jealousy. He walks beneath
+her window till the policeman sees him home; and when he wakes in the
+morning, it is to murmur her name to himself until he falls asleep again
+and is late for the office. Well, do I experience such sensations, or do
+I not? Is this love, after all? Where are the spills?
+
+"I have been taking for granted that I know who it is. But is this
+wise? Nothing puzzles me so much as the way some men seem to know, by
+intuition, as it were, which is the woman for whom they have a passion.
+They take a girl from among their acquaintance, and never seem to
+understand that they may be taking the wrong one. However, with certain
+reservations, I do not think I go too far in saying that I know who she
+is. There is one other, indeed, that I have sometimes thought--but it
+fortunately happens that they are related, so that in any case I cannot
+go far wrong. After I have seen them again, or at least before I
+propose, I shall decide definitely on this point.
+
+"We have now advanced as far as Query IV. Now, what is to be done? Let
+us consider this calmly. In the first place, have I any option in the
+matter, or is love a hurricane that carries one hither and thither as
+a bottle is tossed in a chopping sea? I reply that it all depends on
+myself. Rosalind would say no; that we are without control over love.
+But Rosalind was a woman. It is probably true that a woman cannot
+conquer love. Man, being her ideal in the abstract, is irresistible to
+her in the concrete. But man, being an intellectual creature, can make
+a magnificent effort and cast love out. Should I think it advisable,
+I do not question my ability to open the gates of my heart and bid her
+go. That would be a serious thing for her; and, as man is powerful, so,
+I think, should he be merciful. She has, no doubt, gained admittance,
+as it were, furtively; but can I, as a gentleman, send away a weak,
+confiding woman who loves me simply because she cannot help it?
+Nay, more, in a pathetic case of this kind, have I not a certain
+responsibility? Does not her attachment to me give her a claim upon me?
+She saw me, and love came to her. She looks upon me as the noblest and
+best of my sex. I do not say I am; it may be that I am not. But I have
+the child's happiness in my hands; can I trample it beneath my feet? It
+seems to be my plain duty to take her to me.
+
+"But there are others to consider. For me, would it not be the better
+part to show her that the greatest happiness of the greatest number
+should be my first consideration? Certainly there is nothing in a man I
+despise more than conceit in affairs of this sort. When I hear one of my
+sex boasting of his 'conquests,' I turn from him in disgust. 'Conquest'
+implies effort; and to lay one's self out for victories over the other
+sex always reminds me of pigeon-shooting. On the other hand, we must
+make allowances for our position of advantage. These little ones
+come into contact with us; they see us, athletic, beautiful, in the
+hunting-field or at the wicket; they sit beside us at dinner and listen
+to our brilliant conversation. They have met us, and the mischief is
+done. Every man--except, perhaps, yourself and Jimmy--knows the names
+of a few dear girls who have lost their hearts to him--some more, some
+less. I do not pretend to be in a different position from my neighbors,
+or in a better one. To some slight extent I may be to blame. But, after
+all, when a man sees cheeks redden and eyes brighten at his approach,
+he loses prudence. At the time he does not think what may be the
+consequences. But the day comes when he sees that he must take heed what
+he is about. He communes with himself about the future, and if he be a
+man of honor he maps out in his mind the several courses it is allowed
+him to follow, and chooses that one which he may tread with least pain
+to others. May that day for introspection come to few as it has come to
+me. Love is, indeed, a madness in the brain. Good-night."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When he finished I would wake up, open the door for Marriot, and light
+him to his sleeping-chamber with a spill.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+JIMMY.
+
+
+With the exception of myself, Jimmy Moggridge was no doubt the most
+silent of the company that met so frequently in my rooms. Just as
+Marriot's eyebrows rose if the cane chair was not empty when he strode
+in, Jimmy held that he had a right to the hearth-rug, on which he loved
+to lie prone, his back turned to the company and his eyes on his pipe.
+The stem was a long cherry-wood, but the bowl was meerschaum, and Jimmy,
+as he smoked, lay on the alert, as it were, to see the meerschaum
+coloring. So one may strain his eyes with intent eagerness until he can
+catch the hour-hand of a watch in action. With tobacco in his pocket
+Jimmy could refill his pipe without moving, but sometimes he crawled
+along the hearth-rug to let the fire-light play more exquisitely on his
+meerschaum bowl. In time, of course, the Arcadia Mixture made him more
+and more like the rest of us, but he retained his individuality until he
+let his bowl fall off. Otherwise he only differed from us in one way.
+When he saw a match-box he always extracted a few matches and put them
+dreamily into his pocket. There were times when, with a sharp blow on
+Jimmy's person, we could doubtless have had him blazing like a
+chandelier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Jimmy was a barrister--though this is scarcely worth mentioning--and
+it had been known to us for years that he made a living by contributing
+to the _Saturday Review_. How the secret leaked out I cannot say with
+certainty. Jimmy never forced it upon us, and I cannot remember any
+paragraphs in the London correspondence of the provincial papers
+coupling his name with _Saturday_ articles. On the other hand, I
+distinctly recall having to wait one day in his chambers while Jimmy was
+shaving, and noticing accidentally a long, bulky envelope on his table,
+with the _Saturday Review's_ mystic crest on it. It was addressed
+to Jimmy, and contained, I concluded, a bundle of proofs. That was
+so long ago as 1885. If further evidence is required, there is the
+undoubted fact, to which several of us could take oath, that, at Oxford,
+Jimmy was notorious for his sarcastic pen--nearly being sent down,
+indeed, for the same. Again, there was the certainty that for years
+Jimmy had been engaged upon literary work of some kind. We had been
+with him buying the largest-sized scribbling paper in the market; we
+had heard him muttering to himself as if in pain: and we had seen him
+correcting proof-sheets. When we caught him at them he always thrust the
+proofs into a drawer which he locked by putting his leg on it--for the
+ordinary lock was broken--and remaining in that position till we had
+retired. Though he rather shunned the subject as a rule, he admitted
+to us that the work was journalism and not a sarcastic history of the
+nineteenth century, on which we felt he would come out strong. Lastly,
+Jimmy had lost the brightness of his youth, and was become silent and
+moody, which is well known to be the result of writing satire.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Were it not so notorious that the thousands who write regularly for the
+_Saturday_ have reasons of their own for keeping it dark and merely
+admitting the impeachment with a nod or smile, we might have marvelled
+at Jimmy's reticence. There were, however, moments when he thawed so
+far as practically to allow, and every one knows what that means, that
+the _Saturday_ was his chief source of income. "Only," he would
+add, "should you be acquainted with the editor, don't mention my
+contributions to him." From this we saw that Jimmy and the editor had an
+understanding on the subject, though we were never agreed which of them
+it was who had sworn the other to secrecy. We were proud of Jimmy's
+connection with the press, and every week we discussed his latest
+article. Jimmy never told us, except in a roundabout way, which were his
+articles; but we knew his style, and it was quite exhilarating to pick
+out his contributions week by week. We were never baffled, for "Jimmy's
+touches" were unmistakable; and "Have you seen Jimmy this week in
+the _Saturday_ on Lewis Morris?" or, "I say, do you think Buchanan
+knows it was Jimmy who wrote that?" was what we said when we had lighted
+our pipes.
+
+Now I come to the incident that drew from Jimmy his extraordinary
+statement. I was smoking with him in his rooms one evening, when a
+clatter at his door was followed by a thud on the floor. I knew as
+well as Jimmy what had happened. In his pre-_Saturday_ days he had
+no letter-box, only a slit in the door; and through this we used to
+denounce him on certain occasions when we called and he would not let us
+in. Lately, however, he had fitted up a letter-box himself, which kept
+together if you opened the door gently, but came clattering to the floor
+under the weight of heavy letters. The letter to which it had succumbed
+this evening was quite a package, and could even have been used as a
+missile. Jimmy snatched it up quickly, evidently knowing the contents
+by their bulk; and I was just saying to myself, "More proofs from the
+_Saturday_," when the letter burst at the bottom, and in a moment a
+score of smaller letters were tumbling about my feet. In vain did
+Jimmy entreat me to let him gather them up. I helped, and saw, to my
+bewilderment, that all the letters were addressed in childish hands
+to "Uncle Jim, care of Editor of _Mothers Pets_." It was impossible
+that Jimmy could have so many nephews and nieces.
+
+Seeing that I had him, Jimmy advanced to the hearth-rug as if about to
+make his statement; then changed his mind and, thrusting a dozen of the
+letters into my hands, invited me to read. The first letter ran:
+"Dearest Uncle Jim,--I must tell you about my canary. I love my canary
+very much. It is a yellow canary, and it sings so sweetly. I keep it in
+a cage, and it is so tame. Mamma and me wishes you would come and see us
+and our canary. Dear Uncle Jim, I love you.--Your little friend, Milly
+(aged four years)." Here is the second: "Dear Uncle Jim,--You will want
+to know about my blackbird. It sits in a tree and picks up the crumbs
+on the window, and Thomas wants to shoot it for eating the cherries;
+but I won't let Thomas shoot it, for it is a nice blackbird, and I have
+wrote all this myself.--Your loving little Bobby (aged five years)."
+In another, Jacky (aged four and a half) described his parrot, and I
+have also vague recollections of Harry (aged six) on his chaffinch, and
+Archie (five) on his linnet. "What does it mean?" I demanded of Jimmy,
+who, while I read, had been smoking savagely. "Don't you see that they
+are in for the prize?" he growled. Then he made his statement.
+
+"I have never," Jimmy said, "contributed to the _Saturday_, nor,
+indeed, to any well-known paper. That, however, was only because the
+editors would not meet me half-way. After many disappointments,
+fortune--whether good or bad I cannot say--introduced me to the
+editor of _Mothers Pets_, a weekly journal whose title sufficiently
+suggests its character. Though you may never have heard of it,
+_Mothers Pets_ has a wide circulation and is a great property. I
+was asked to join the staff under the name of 'Uncle Jim,' and did not
+see my way to refuse. I inaugurated a new feature. Mothers' pets were
+cordially invited to correspond with me on topics to be suggested week
+by week, and prizes were to be given for the best letters. This feature
+has been an enormous success, and I get the most affectionate letters
+from mothers, consulting me about teething and the like, every week.
+They say that I am dearer to their children than most real uncles, and
+they often urge me to go and stay with them. There are lots of kisses
+awaiting me. I also get similar invitations from the little beasts
+themselves. Pass the Arcadia."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+SCRYMGEOUR.
+
+
+Scrymgeour was an artist and a man of means, so proud of his profession
+that he gave all his pictures fancy prices, and so wealthy that he could
+have bought them. To him I went when I wanted money--though it must not
+be thought that I borrowed. In the days of the Arcadia Mixture I had
+no bank account. As my checks dribbled in I stuffed them into a torn
+leather case that was kept together by a piece of twine, and when Want
+tapped at my chamber door, I drew out the check that seemed most willing
+to come, and exchanged with Scrymgeour. In his detestation of argument
+Scrymgeour resembled myself, but otherwise we differed as much as men
+may differ who smoke the Arcadia. He read little, yet surprised us by a
+smattering of knowledge about all important books that had been out for
+a few months, until we discovered that he got his information from a
+friend in India. He had also, I remember, a romantic notion that Africa
+might be civilized by the Arcadia Mixture. As I shall explain presently,
+his devotion to the Arcadia very nearly married him against his will;
+but first I must describe his boudoir.
+
+We always called it Scrymgeour's boudoir after it had ceased to deserve
+the censure, just as we called Moggridge Jimmy because he was Jimmy to
+some of us as a boy. Scrymgeour deserted his fine rooms in Bayswater for
+the inn some months after the Arcadia Mixture had reconstructed him, but
+his chambers were the best on our stair, and with the help of a workman
+from the Japanese Village he converted them into an Oriental dream. Our
+housekeeper thought little of the rest of us while the boudoir was
+there to be gazed at, and even William John would not spill the coffee
+in it. When the boudoir was ready for inspection, Scrymgeour led me to
+it, and as the door opened I suddenly remembered that my boots were
+muddy. The ceiling was a great Japanese Christmas card representing the
+heavens; heavy clouds floated round a pale moon, and with the dusk the
+stars came out. The walls, instead of being papered, were hung with a
+soft Japanese cloth, and fantastic figures frolicked round a fireplace
+that held a bamboo fan. There was no mantelpiece. The room was very
+small; but when you wanted a blue velvet desk to write on, you had only
+to press a spring against the wall; and if you leaned upon the desk the
+Japanese workmen were ready to make you a new one. There were springs
+everywhere, shaped like birds and mice and butterflies; and when you
+touched one of them something was sure to come out. Blood-colored
+curtains separated the room from the alcove where Scrymgeour was to rest
+by night, and his bed became a bath by simply turning it upside down. On
+one side of the bed was a wine-bin, with a ladder running up to it. The
+door of the sitting-room was a symphony in gray, with shadowy reptiles
+crawling across the panels; and the floor--dark, mysterious--presented
+a fanciful picture of the infernal regions. Scrymgeour said hopefully
+that the place would look cozier after he had his pictures in it; but he
+stopped me when I began to fill my pipe. He believed, he said, that
+smoking was not a Japanese custom; and there was no use taking Japanese
+chambers unless you lived up to them. Here was a revelation. Scrymgeour
+proposed to live his life in harmony with these rooms. I felt too sad at
+heart to say much to him then, but, promising to look in again soon, I
+shook hands with my unhappy friend and went away.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It happened, however, that Scrymgeour had been several times in my rooms
+before I was able to visit him again. My hand was on his door-bell when
+I noticed a figure I thought I knew lounging at the foot of the stair.
+It was Scrymgeour himself, and he was smoking the Arcadia. We greeted
+each other languidly on the doorstep, Scrymgeour assuring me that "Japan
+in London" was a grand idea. It gave a zest to life, banishing the poor,
+weary conventionalities of one's surroundings. This was said while we
+still stood at the door, and I began to wonder why Scrymgeour did not
+enter his rooms. "A beautiful night," he said, rapturously. A cruel east
+wind was blowing. He insisted that evening was the time for thinking,
+and that east winds brace you up. Would I have a cigar? I would if he
+asked me inside to smoke it. My friend sighed. "I thought I told you,"
+he said, "that I don't smoke in my chambers. It isn't the thing." Then
+he explained, hesitatingly, that he hadn't given up smoking. "I come
+down here," he said, "with my pipe, and walk up and down. I assure you
+it is quite a new sensation, and I much prefer it to lolling in an
+easy-chair." The poor fellow shivered as he spoke, and I noticed that
+his great-coat was tightly buttoned up to the throat. He had a hacking
+cough and his teeth were chattering. "Let us go in," I said; "I don't
+want to smoke." He knocked the ashes out of his pipe, and opened his
+door with an affectation of gayety.
+
+The room looked somewhat more home-like now, but it was very cold.
+Scrymgeour had no fire yet. He had been told that the smoke would
+blacken his moon. Besides, I question if he would have dared to remove
+the fan from the fireplace without consulting a Japanese authority. He
+did not even know whether the Japanese burned coal. I missed a number of
+the articles of furniture that had graced his former rooms. The easels
+were gone; there were none of the old canvases standing against the
+wall, and he had exchanged his comfortable, plain old screen for one
+with lizards crawling over it. "It would never have done," he explained,
+"to spoil the room with English things, so I got in some more Japanese
+furniture."
+
+I asked him if he had sold his canvases; whereupon he signed me
+to follow him to the wine-bin. It was full of them. There were no
+newspapers lying about; but Scrymgeour hoped to manage to take one in
+by and by. He was only feeling his way at present, he said. In the dim
+light shed by a Japanese lamp, I tripped over a rainbow-colored slipper
+that tapered to the heel and turned up at the toe. "I wonder you can get
+into these things," I whispered, for the place depressed me; and he
+answered, with similar caution, that he couldn't. "I keep them lying
+about," he said, confidentially; "but after I think nobody is likely
+to call I put on an old pair of English ones." At this point the
+housekeeper knocked at the door, and Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat
+into a Japanese dressing-gown before he cried "Come in!" As I left I
+asked him how he felt now, and he said that he had never been so happy
+in his life. But his hand was hot, and he did not look me in the face.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Nearly a month elapsed before I looked in again. The unfortunate man had
+now a Japanese rug over his legs to keep out the cold, and he was gazing
+dejectedly at an outlandish mess which he called his lunch. He insisted
+that it was not at all bad; but it had evidently been on the table some
+time when I called, and he had not even tasted it. He ordered coffee for
+my benefit, but I do not care for coffee that has salt in it instead of
+sugar. I said that I had merely looked in to ask him to an early dinner
+at the club, and it was touching to see how he grasped at the idea. So
+complete, however, was his subjection to that terrible housekeeper, who
+believed in his fad, that he dared not send back her dishes untasted.
+As a compromise I suggested that he could wrap up some of the stuff
+in paper and drop it quietly into the gutter. We sallied forth, and
+I found him so weak that he had to be assisted into a hansom. He still
+maintained, however, that Japanese chambers were worth making some
+sacrifice for; and when the other Arcadians saw his condition they had
+the delicacy not to contradict him. They thought it was consumption.
+
+If we had not taken Scrymgeour in hand I dare not think what his craze
+might have reduced him to. A friend asked him into the country for ten
+days, and of course he was glad to go. As it happened, my chambers were
+being repapered at the time, and Scrymgeour gave me permission to occupy
+his rooms until his return. The other Arcadians agreed to meet me there
+nightly, and they were indefatigable in their efforts to put the boudoir
+to rights. Jimmy wrote letters to editors, of a most cutting nature, on
+the moon, breaking the table as he stepped on and off it, and we gave
+the butterflies to William John. The reptiles had to crawl off the door,
+and we made pipe-lights of the Japanese fans. Marriot shot the candles
+at the mice and birds; and Gilray, by improvising an entertainment
+behind the blood-red curtains, contrived to give them the dilapidated
+appearance without which there is no real comfort. In short, the boudoir
+soon assumed such a homely aspect that Scrymgeour on his return did not
+recognize it. When he realized where he was he lighted up at once.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+HIS WIFE'S CIGARS.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Though Pettigrew, who is a much more successful journalist than Jimmy,
+says pointedly of his wife that she encourages his smoking instead of
+putting an end to it, I happen to know that he has cupboard skeletons.
+Pettigrew has been married for years, and frequently boasted of his
+wife's interest in smoking, until one night an accident revealed the
+true state of matters to me. Late in the night, when traffic is hushed
+and the river has at last a chance of making itself heard, Pettigrew's
+window opens cautiously, and he casts something wrapped in newspaper
+into the night. The window is then softly closed, and all is again
+quiet. At other times Pettigrew steals along the curb-stone, dropping his
+skeletons one by one. Nevertheless, his cupboard beneath the bookcase is
+so crammed that he dreams the lock has given way. The key is always in
+his pocket, yet when his children approach the cupboard he orders them
+away, so fearful is he of something happening. When his wife has retired
+he sometimes unlocks the cupboard with nervous hand, when the door
+bursts gladly open, and the things roll on to the carpet. They are the
+cigars his wife gives him as birthday presents, on the anniversary of
+his marriage, and at other times, and such a model wife is she that he
+would do anything for her except smoke them. They are Celebros, Regalia
+Rothschilds, twelve and six the hundred. I discovered Pettigrew's secret
+one night, when, as I was passing his house, a packet of Celebros
+alighted on my head. I demanded an explanation, and I got it on the
+promise that I would not mention the matter to the other Arcadians.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Several years having elapsed," said Pettigrew, "since I pretended to
+smoke and enjoy my first Celebro, I could not now undeceive my wife--it
+would be such a blow to her. At the time it could have been done easily.
+She began by making trial of a few. There were seven of them in an
+envelope; and I knew at once that she had got them for a shilling. She
+had heard me saying that eightpence is a sad price to pay for a cigar--I
+prefer them at tenpence--and a few days afterward she produced her first
+Celebros. Each of them had, and has, a gold ribbon round it, bearing the
+legend, 'Non plus ultra.' She was shy and timid at that time, and I
+thought it very brave of her to go into the shop herself and ask for
+the Celebros, as advertised; so I thanked her warmly. When she saw me
+slipping them into my pocket she looked disappointed, and said that she
+would like to see me smoking one. My reply would have been that I never
+cared to smoke in the open air, if she had not often seen me do so.
+Besides, I wanted to please her very much; and if what I did was weak I
+have been severely punished for it. The pocket into which I had thrust
+the Celebros also contained my cigar-case; and with my hand in the
+pocket I covertly felt for a Villar y Villar and squeezed it into the
+envelope. This I then drew forth, took out the cigar, as distinguished
+from the Celebros, and smoked it with unfeigned content. My wife watched
+me eagerly, asking six or eight times how I liked it. From the way she
+talked of fine rich bouquet and nutty flavor I gathered that she had
+been in conversation with the tobacconist, and I told her the cigars
+were excellent. Yes, they were as choice a brand as I had ever smoked.
+She clapped her hands joyously at that, and said that if she had not
+made up her mind never to do so she would tell me what they cost. Next
+she asked me to guess the price; I answered eighty shillings a hundred;
+and then she confessed that she got the seven for a shilling. On our way
+home she made arch remarks about men who judged cigars simply by their
+price. I laughed gayly in reply, begging her not to be too hard on me;
+and I did not even feel uneasy when she remarked that of course I would
+never buy those horridly expensive Villar y Villars again. When I left
+her I gave the Celebros to an acquaintance against whom I had long had
+a grudge--we have not spoken since--but I preserved the envelope as a
+pretty keepsake. This, you see, happened shortly before our marriage.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I have had a consignment of Celebros every month or two since then,
+and, dispose of them quietly as I may, they are accumulating in the
+cupboard. I despise myself; but my guile was kindly meant at first,
+and every thoughtful man will see the difficulties in the way of a
+confession now. Who can say what might happen if I were to fling that
+cupboard door open in presence of my wife? I smoke less than I used
+to do; for if I were to buy my cigars by the box I could not get them
+smuggled into the house. Besides, she would know--I don't say how, I
+merely make the statement--that I had been buying cigars. So I get half
+a dozen at a time. Perhaps you will sympathize with me when I say that
+I have had to abandon my favorite brand. I cannot get Villar y Villars
+that look like Celebros, and my wife is quicker in those matters than
+she used to be. One day, for instance, she noticed that the cigars in
+my case had not the gold ribbon round them, and I almost fancied she
+became suspicious. I explained that the ribbon was perhaps a little
+ostentatious; but she said it was an intimation of nutty flavor: and
+now I take ribbons off the Celebros and put them on the other cigars.
+The boxes in which the Celebros arrive have a picturesque design on the
+lid and a good deal of lace frilling round the edge, and she likes to
+have a box lying about. The top layer of that box is cigars in gold
+ribbons, placed there by myself, and underneath are the Celebros. I
+never get down to the Celebros.
+
+"For a long time my secret was locked in my breast as carefully as I
+shall lock my next week's gift away in the cupboard, if I can find room
+for it; but a few of my most intimate friends have an inkling of it now.
+When my friends drop in I am compelled to push the Celebro box toward
+them, and if they would simply take a cigar and ask no questions all
+would be well; for, as I have said, there are cigars on the top. But
+they spoil everything by remarking that they have not seen the brand
+before. Should my wife not be present this is immaterial, for I have
+long had a reputation of keeping good cigars. Then I merely remark that
+it is a new brand; and they smoke, probably observing that it reminds
+them of a Cabana, which is natural, seeing that it is a Cabana in
+disguise. If my wife is present, however, she comes forward smiling, and
+remarks, with a fond look in my direction, that they are her birthday
+present to her Jack. Then they start back and say they always smoke
+a pipe. These Celebros were making me a bad name among my friends, so
+I have given a few of them to understand--I don't care to put it more
+plainly--that if they will take a cigar from the top layer they will
+find it all right. One of them, however, has a personal ill-will to me
+because my wife told his wife that I preferred Celebro cigars at twelve
+and six a hundred to any other. Now he is expected to smoke the same;
+and he takes his revenge by ostentatiously offering me a Celebro when
+I call on him."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+GILRAY'S FLOWER-POT.
+
+
+I charge Gilray's unreasonableness to his ignoble passion for
+cigarettes; and the story of his flower-pot has therefore an obvious
+moral. The want of dignity he displayed about that flower-pot, on his
+return to London, would have made any one sorry for him. I had my own
+work to look after, and really could not be tending his chrysanthemum
+all day. After he came back, however, there was no reasoning with him,
+and I admit that I never did water his plant, though always intending
+to do so.
+
+The great mistake was in not leaving the flower-pot in charge of William
+John. No doubt I readily promised to attend to it, but Gilray deceived
+me by speaking as if the watering of a plant was the merest pastime. He
+had to leave London for a short provincial tour, and, as I see now, took
+advantage of my good nature.
+
+As Gilray had owned his flower-pot for several months, during which time
+(I take him at his word) he had watered it daily, he must have known
+he was misleading me. He said that you got into the way of watering
+a flower-pot regularly just as you wind up your watch. That certainly
+is not the case. I always wind up my watch, and I never watered the
+flower-pot. Of course, if I had been living in Gilray's rooms with the
+thing always before my eyes I might have done so. I proposed to take it
+into my chambers at the time, but he would not hear of that. Why? How
+Gilray came by this chrysanthemum I do not inquire; but whether, in the
+circumstances, he should not have made a clean breast of it to me is
+another matter. Undoubtedly it was an unusual thing to put a man to
+the trouble of watering a chrysanthemum daily without giving him its
+history. My own belief has always been that he got it in exchange for a
+pair of boots and his old dressing-gown. He hints that it was a present;
+but, as one who knows him well, I may say that he is the last person a
+lady would be likely to give a chrysanthemum to. Besides, if he was so
+proud of the plant he should have stayed at home and watered it himself.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He says that I never meant to water it, which is not only a mistake, but
+unkind. My plan was to run downstairs immediately after dinner every
+evening and give it a thorough watering. One thing or another, however,
+came in the way. I often remembered about the chrysanthemum while I was
+in the office; but even Gilray could hardly have expected me to ask
+leave of absence merely to run home and water his plant. You must draw
+the line somewhere, even in a government office. When I reached home I
+was tired, inclined to take things easily, and not at all in a proper
+condition for watering flower-pots. Then Arcadians would drop in. I put
+it to any sensible man or woman, could I have been expected to give up
+my friends for the sake of a chrysanthemum? Again, it was my custom of
+an evening, if not disturbed, to retire with my pipe into my cane chair,
+and there pass the hours communing with great minds, or, when the mood
+was on me, trifling with a novel. Often when I was in the middle of a
+chapter Gilray's flower-pot stood up before my eyes crying for water.
+He does not believe this, but it is the solemn truth. At those moments
+it was touch and go, whether I watered his chrysanthemum or not. Where
+I lost myself was in not hurrying to his rooms at once with a tumbler.
+I said to myself that I would go when I had finished my pipe, but by that
+time the flower-pot had escaped my memory. This may have been weakness;
+all I know is that I should have saved myself much annoyance if I had
+risen and watered the chrysanthemum there and then. But would it not
+have been rather hard on me to have had to forsake my books for the sake
+of Gilray's flowers and flower-pots and plants and things? What right
+has a man to go and make a garden of his chambers?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+All the three weeks he was away, Gilray kept pestering me with letters
+about his chrysanthemum. He seemed to have no faith in me--a detestable
+thing in a man who calls himself your friend. I had promised to water
+his flower-pot; and between friends a promise is surely sufficient. It
+is not so, however, when Gilray is one of them. I soon hated the sight
+of my name in his handwriting. It was not as if he had said outright
+that he wrote entirely to know whether I was watering his plant.
+His references to it were introduced with all the appearance of
+afterthoughts. Often they took the form of postscripts: "By the way,
+are you watering my chrysanthemum?" or, "The chrysanthemum ought to be
+a beauty by this time;" or, "You must be quite an adept now at watering
+plants." Gilray declares now that, in answer to one of these ingenious
+epistles, I wrote to him saying that "I had just been watering his
+chrysanthemum." My belief is that I did no such thing; or, if I did,
+I meant to water it as soon as I had finished my letter. He has never
+been able to bring this home to me, he says, because he burned my
+correspondence. As if a business man would destroy such a letter.
+It was yet more annoying when Gilray took to post-cards. To hear the
+postman's knock and then discover, when you are expecting an important
+communication, that it is only a post-card about a flower-pot--that is
+really too bad. And then I consider that some of the post-cards bordered
+upon insult. One of them said, "What about chrysanthemum?--reply at
+once." This was just like Gilray's overbearing way; but I answered
+politely, and so far as I knew, truthfully, "Chrysanthemum all right."
+
+Knowing that there was no explaining things to Gilray, I redoubled my
+exertions to water his flower-pot as the day for his return drew near.
+Once, indeed, when I rang for water, I could not for the life of me
+remember what I wanted it for when it was brought. Had I had any
+forethought I should have left the tumbler stand just as it was to
+show it to Gilray on his return. But, unfortunately, William John had
+misunderstood what I wanted the water for, and put a decanter down
+beside it. Another time I was actually on the stair rushing to Gilray's
+door, when I met the housekeeper, and, stopping to talk to her, lost
+my opportunity again. To show how honestly anxious I was to fulfil
+my promise, I need only add that I was several times awakened in the
+watches of the night by a haunting consciousness that I had forgotten
+to water Gilray's flower-pot. On these occasions I spared no trouble
+to remember again in the morning. I reached out of bed to a chair and
+turned it upside down, so that the sight of it when I rose might remind
+me that I had something to do. With the same object I crossed the tongs
+and poker on the floor. Gilray maintains that instead of playing "fool's
+tricks" like these ("fool's tricks!") I should have got up and gone
+at once to his rooms with my water-bottle. What? and disturbed my
+neighbors? Besides, could I reasonably be expected to risk catching my
+death of cold for the sake of a wretched chrysanthemum? One reads of men
+doing such things for young ladies who seek lilies in dangerous ponds or
+edelweiss on overhanging cliffs. But Gilray was not my sweetheart, nor,
+I feel certain, any other person's.
+
+I come now to the day prior to Gilray's return. I had just reached the
+office when I remembered about the chrysanthemum. It was my last chance.
+If I watered it once I should be in a position to state that, whatever
+condition it might be in, I had certainly been watering it. I jumped
+into a hansom, told the cabby to drive to the inn, and twenty minutes
+afterward had one hand on Gilray's door, while the other held the
+largest water-can in the house. Opening the door I rushed in. The can
+nearly fell from my hand. There was no flower-pot! I rang the bell. "Mr.
+Gilray's chrysanthemum!" I cried. What do you think William John said?
+He coolly told me that the plant was dead, and had been flung out days
+ago. I went to the theatre that night to keep myself from thinking. All
+next day I contrived to remain out of Gilray's sight. When we met he was
+stiff and polite. He did not say a word about the chrysanthemum for a
+week, and then it all came out with a rush. I let him talk. With the
+servants flinging out the flower-pots faster than I could water them,
+what more could I have done? A coolness between us was inevitable. This
+I regretted, but my mind was made up on one point: I would never do
+Gilray a favor again.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+THE GRANDEST SCENE IN HISTORY.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Though Scrymgeour only painted in watercolors, I think--I never looked
+at his pictures--he had one superb idea, which we often advised him to
+carry out. When he first mentioned it the room became comparatively
+animated, so much struck were we all, and we entreated him to retire to
+Stratford for a few months, before beginning the picture. His idea was
+to paint Shakespeare smoking his first pipe of the Arcadia Mixture.
+
+Many hundreds of volumes have been written about the glories of the
+Elizabethan age, the sublime period in our history. Then were Englishmen
+on fire to do immortal deeds. High aims and noble ambitions became their
+birthright. There was nothing they could not or would not do for England.
+Sailors put a girdle round the world. Every captain had a general's
+capacity; every fighting-man could have been a captain. All the women,
+from the queen downward, were heroines. Lofty statesmanship guided the
+conduct of affairs, a sublime philosophy was in the air. The period of
+great deeds was also the period of our richest literature. London was
+swarming with poetic geniuses. Immortal dramatists wandered in couples
+between stage doors and taverns.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+All this has been said many times; and we read these glowing outbursts
+about the Elizabethan age as if to the beating of a drum. But why was
+this period riper for magnificent deeds and noble literature than any
+other in English history? We all know how the thinkers, historians, and
+critics of yesterday and to-day answer that question; but our hearts and
+brains tell us that they are astray. By an amazing oversight they have
+said nothing of the Influence of Tobacco. The Elizabethan age might be
+better named the beginning of the smoking era. No unprejudiced person
+who has given thought to the subject can question the propriety of
+dividing our history into two periods--the pre-smoking and the smoking.
+When Raleigh, in honor of whom England should have changed its name,
+introduced tobacco into this country, the glorious Elizabethan age
+began. I am aware that those hateful persons called Original Researchers
+now maintain that Raleigh was not the man; but to them I turn a deaf
+ear. I know, I feel, that with the introduction of tobacco England woke
+up from a long sleep. Suddenly a new zest had been given to life. The
+glory of existence became a thing to speak of. Men who had hitherto only
+concerned themselves with the narrow things of home put a pipe into
+their mouths and became philosophers. Poets and dramatists smoked until
+all ignoble ideas were driven from them, and into their place rushed
+such high thoughts as the world had not known before. Petty jealousies
+no longer had hold of statesmen, who smoked, and agreed to work together
+for the public weal. Soldiers and sailors felt, when engaged with a
+foreign foe, that they were fighting for their pipes. The whole country
+was stirred by the ambition to live up to tobacco. Every one, in short,
+had now a lofty ideal constantly before him. Two stories of the period,
+never properly told hitherto, illustrate this. We all know that Gabriel
+Harvey and Spenser lay in bed discussing English poetry and the forms
+it ought to take. This was when tobacco was only known to a select few,
+of whom Spenser, the friend of Raleigh, was doubtless one. That the
+two friends smoked in bed I cannot doubt. Many poets have done the same
+thing since. Then there is the beautiful Armada story. In a famous
+Armada picture the English sailors are represented smoking; which makes
+it all the more surprising that the story to which I refer has come
+down to us in an incorrect form. According to the historians, when the
+Armada hove in sight the English captains were playing at bowls. Instead
+of rushing off to their ships on receipt of the news, they observed,
+"Let us first finish our game." I cannot believe that this is what they
+said. My conviction is that what was really said was, "Let us first
+finish our pipes"--surely a far more impressive and memorable remark.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+This afternoon Marlowe's "Jew of Malta" was produced for the first
+time; and of the two men who have just emerged from the Blackfriars
+Theatre one is the creator of _Barabas_. A marvel to all the
+"piperly make-plaies and make-bates," save one, is "famous Ned Alleyn;"
+for when money comes to him he does not drink till it be done, and
+already he is laying by to confound the ecclesiastics, who say hard
+things of him, by founding Dulwich College. "Not Roscius nor AEsope,"
+said Tom Nash, who was probably in need of a crown at the time, "ever
+performed more in action." A good fellow he is withal; for it is Ned who
+gives the supper to-night at the "Globe," in honor of the new piece, if
+he can get his friends together. The actor-manager shakes his head, for
+Marlowe, who was to meet him here, must have been seduced into a tavern
+by the way; but his companion, Robin Greene, is only wondering if that
+is a bailiff at the corner. Robin of the "ruffianly haire," _utriusque
+academiae artibus magister_, is nearing the end of his tether, and
+might call to-night at shoemaker Islam's house near Dowgate, to tell
+a certain "bigge, fat, lusty wench" to prepare his last bed and buy a
+garland of bays. Ned must to the sign of the "Saba" in Gracious Street,
+where Burbage and "honest gamesom Armin" are sure to be found; but
+Greene durst not show himself in the street without Cutting Ball and
+other choice ruffians as a body-guard. Ned is content to leave them
+behind; for Robin has refused to be of the company to-night if that
+"upstart Will" is invited too, and the actor is fond of Will. There is
+no more useful man in the theatre, he has said to "Signior Kempino"
+this very day, for touching up old plays; and Will is a plodding young
+fellow, too, if not over-brilliant.
+
+Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern, picking out his men. There is an
+ale-house in Sea-coal Lane--the same where lady-like George Peele was
+found by the barber, who had subscribed an hour before for his decent
+burial, "all alone with a peck of oysters"--and here Ned is detained an
+unconscionable time. Just as he is leaving with Kempe and Cowley, Armin
+and Will Shakespeare burst in with a cry for wine. It is Armin who gives
+the orders, but his companion pays. They spy Alleyn, and Armin must tell
+his news. He is the bearer of a challenge from some merry souls at the
+"Saba" to the actor-manager; and Ned Alleyn turns white and red when he
+hears it. Then he laughs a confident laugh, and accepts the bet. Some
+theatre-goers, flushed with wine, have dared him to attempt certain
+parts in which Bentley and Knell vastly please them. Ned is incredulous
+that men should be so willing to fling away their money; yet here is
+Will a witness, and Burbage is staying on at the "Saba" not to let the
+challengers escape.
+
+The young man of twenty-four, at the White Horse in Friday Street, is
+Tom Nash; and it is Peele who is swearing that he is a monstrous clever
+fellow, and helping him to finish his wine. But Peele is glad to see Ned
+and Cowley in the doorway, for Tom has a weakness for reading aloud the
+good things from his own manuscripts. There is only one of the company
+who is not now sick to death of Nash's satires on Martin Marprelate; and
+perhaps even he has had enough of them, only he is as yet too obscure a
+person to say so. That is Will; and Nash detains him for a moment just
+to listen to his last words on the Marprelate controversy. Marprelate
+now appears "with a wit worn into the socket, twingling and pinking like
+the snuff of a candle; _quantum mutatus ab illo!_ how unlike the
+knave he was before, not for malice but for sharpness. The hogshead was
+even come to the hauncing, and nothing could be drawne from him but the
+dregs." Will says it is very good; and Nash smiles to himself as he puts
+the papers in his pockets and thinks vaguely that he might do something
+for Will. Shakespeare is not a university man, and they say he held
+horses at the doors of the Globe not long ago; but he knows a good thing
+when he hears it.
+
+All this time Marlowe is at the Globe, wondering why the others are so
+long in coming; but not wondering very much--for it is good wine they
+give you at the Globe. Even before the feast is well begun Kit's eyes
+are bloodshot and his hands unsteady. Death is already seeking for him
+at a tavern in Deptford, and the last scene in a wild, brief life starts
+up before us. A miserable ale-house, drunken words, the flash of a
+knife, and a man of genius has received his death-blow. What an epitaph
+for the greatest might-have-been in English literature: "Christopher
+Marlowe, slain by a serving-man in a drunken brawl, aged twenty-nine!"
+But by the time Shakespeare had reached his fortieth birthday every one
+of his fellow-playwrights round that table had rushed to his death.
+
+The short stout gentleman who is fond of making jokes, and not
+particular whom he confides them to, has heard another good story about
+Tarleton. This is the low comedian Kempe, who stepped into the shoes of
+flat-nosed, squinting Tarleton the other day, but never quite manages
+to fill them. He whispers the tale across Will's back to Cowley, before
+it is made common property; and little fancies, as he does so, that any
+immortality he and his friend may gain will be owing to their having
+played, before the end of the sixteenth century, the parts of _Dogberry_
+and _Verges_ in a comedy by Shakespeare, whom they are at present
+rather in the habit of patronizing. The story is received with
+boisterous laughter, for it suits the time and place.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Peele is in the middle of a love-song when Kit stumbles across the room
+to say a kind word to Shakespeare. That is a sign that George is not yet
+so very tipsy; for he is a gallant and a squire of dames so long as he
+is sober. There is not a maid in any tavern in Fleet Street who does not
+think George Peele the properest man in London. And yet, Greene being
+absent, scouring the street with Cutting Ball--whose sister is mother of
+poor Fortunatus Greene--Peele is the most dissolute man in the Globe
+to-night. There is a sad little daughter sitting up for him at home, and
+she will have to sit wearily till morning. Marlowe's praises would sink
+deeper into Will's heart if the author of the "Jew of Malta" were less
+unsteady on his legs. And yet he takes Kit's words kindly, and is glad
+to hear that "Titus Andronicus," produced the other day, pleases the man
+whose praise is most worth having. Will Shakespeare looks up to Kit
+Marlowe, and "Titus Andronicus" is the work of a young playwright who
+has tried to write like Kit. Marlowe knows it, and he takes it as
+something of a compliment, though he does not believe in imitation
+himself. He would return now to his seat beside Ned Alleyn; but the
+floor of the room is becoming unsteady, and Ned seems a long way off.
+Besides, Shakespeare's cup would never require refilling if there were
+not some one there to help him drink.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The fun becomes fast and furious; and the landlord of the Globe puts
+in an appearance, ostensibly to do his guests honor by serving them
+himself. But he is fearful of how the rioting may end, and, if he
+dared, he would turn Nash into the street. Tom is the only man there
+whom the landlord--if that man had only been a Boswell--personally
+dislikes; indeed, Nash is no great favorite even with his comrades. He
+has a bitter tongue, and his heart is not to be mellowed by wine. The
+table roars over his sallies, of which the landlord himself is dimly
+conscious that he is the butt, and Kempe and Cowley wince under his
+satire. Those excellent comedians fall out over a trifling difference
+of opinion; and handsome Nash--he tells us himself that he was handsome,
+so there can be no doubt about it--maintains that they should decide
+the dispute by fist-cuffs without further loss of time. While Kempe and
+Cowley threaten to break each other's heads--which, indeed, would be
+no great matter if they did it quietly--Burbage is reciting vehemently,
+with no one heeding him; and Marlowe insists on quarrelling with Armin
+about the existence of a Deity. For when Kit is drunk he is an infidel.
+Armin will not quarrel with anybody, and Marlowe is exasperated.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+But where is Shakespeare all this time? He has retired to a side table
+with Alleyn, who has another historical play that requires altering.
+Their conversation is of comparatively little importance; what we are
+to note with bated breath is that Will is filling a pipe. His face is
+placid, for he does not know that the tobacco Ned is handing him is the
+Arcadia Mixture. I love Ned Alleyn, and like to think that Shakespeare
+got the Arcadia from him.
+
+For a moment let us turn from Shakespeare at this crisis in his life.
+Alleyn has left him and is paying the score. Marlowe remains where he
+fell. Nash has forgotten where he lodges, and so sets off with Peele to
+an ale-house in Pye Corner, where George is only too well known. Kempe
+and Cowley are sent home in baskets.
+
+Again we turn to the figure in the corner, and there is such a light on
+his face that we shade our eyes. He is smoking the Arcadia, and as he
+smokes the tragedy of Hamlet takes form in his brain.
+
+This is the picture that Scrymgeour will never dare to paint. I know
+that there is no mention of tobacco in Shakespeare's plays, but those
+who smoke the Arcadia tell their secret to none, and of other mixtures
+they scorn to speak.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+MY BROTHER HENRY.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Strictly speaking I never had a brother Henry, and yet I cannot say that
+Henry was an impostor. He came into existence in a curious way, and I
+can think of him now without malice as a child of smoke. The first I
+heard of Henry was at Pettigrew's house, which is in a London suburb,
+so conveniently situated that I can go there and back in one day. I was
+testing some new Cabanas, I remember, when Pettigrew remarked that he
+had been lunching with a man who knew my brother Henry. Not having any
+brother but Alexander, I felt that Pettigrew had mistaken the name.
+"Oh, no," Pettigrew said; "he spoke of Alexander too." Even this did not
+convince me, and I asked my host for his friend's name. Scudamour was
+the name of the man, and he had met my brothers Alexander and Henry
+years before in Paris. Then I remembered Scudamour, and I probably
+frowned, for I myself was my own brother Henry. I distinctly recalled
+Scudamour meeting Alexander and me in Paris, and calling me Henry,
+though my name begins with a J. I explained the mistake to Pettigrew,
+and here, for the time being, the matter rested. However, I had by no
+means heard the last of Henry.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Several times afterward I heard from various persons that Scudamour
+wanted to meet me because he knew my brother Henry. At last we did meet,
+in Jimmy's chambers; and, almost as soon as he saw me, Scudamour asked
+where Henry was now. This was precisely what I feared. I am a man who
+always looks like a boy. There are few persons of my age in London who
+retain their boyish appearance as long as I have done; indeed, this is
+the curse of my life. Though I am approaching the age of thirty, I pass
+for twenty; and I have observed old gentlemen frown at my precocity when
+I said a good thing or helped myself to a second glass of wine. There
+was, therefore, nothing surprising in Scudamour's remark, that, when he
+had the pleasure of meeting Henry, Henry must have been about the age
+that I had now reached. All would have been well had I explained the
+real state of affairs to this annoying man; but, unfortunately for
+myself, I loathe entering upon explanations to anybody about anything.
+This it is to smoke the Arcadia. When I ring for a time-table and
+William John brings coals instead, I accept the coals as a substitute.
+Much, then, did I dread a discussion with Scudamour, his surprise when
+he heard that I was Henry, and his comments on my youthful appearance.
+Besides, I was smoking the best of all mixtures. There was no likelihood
+of my meeting Scudamour again, so the easiest way to get rid of him
+seemed to be to humor him. I therefore told him that Henry was in India,
+married, and doing well. "Remember me to Henry when you write to him,"
+was Scudamour's last remark to me that evening.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder in Oxford Street.
+It was Scudamour. "Heard from Henry?" he asked. I said I had heard by
+the last mail. "Anything particular in the letter?" I felt it would not
+do to say that there was nothing particular in a letter which had come
+all the way from India, so I hinted that Henry was having trouble with
+his wife. By this I meant that her health was bad; but he took it up in
+another way, and I did not set him right. "Ah, ah!" he said, shaking his
+head sagaciously; "I'm sorry to hear that. Poor Henry!" "Poor old boy!"
+was all I could think of replying. "How about the children?" Scudamour
+asked. "Oh, the children," I said, with what I thought presence of mind,
+"are coming to England." "To stay with Alexander?" he asked. My answer
+was that Alexander was expecting them by the middle of next month; and
+eventually Scudamour went away muttering, "Poor Henry!" In a month or so
+we met again. "No word of Henry's getting leave of absence?" asked
+Scudamour. I replied shortly that Henry had gone to live in Bombay, and
+would not be home for years. He saw that I was brusque, so what does he
+do but draw me aside for a quiet explanation. "I suppose," he said,
+"you are annoyed because I told Pettigrew that Henry's wife had run away
+from him. The fact is, I did it for your good. You see, I happened to
+make a remark to Pettigrew about your brother Henry, and he said that
+there was no such person. Of course I laughed at that, and pointed out
+not only that I had the pleasure of Henry's acquaintance, but that
+you and I had talked about the old fellow every time we met. 'Well,'
+Pettigrew said, 'this is a most remarkable thing; for he,' meaning
+you, 'said to me in this very room, sitting in that very chair, that
+Alexander was his only brother.' I saw that Pettigrew resented your
+concealing the existence of your brother Henry from him, so I thought
+the most friendly thing I could do was to tell him that your reticence
+was doubtless due to the unhappy state of poor Henry's private affairs.
+Naturally in the circumstances you did not want to talk about Henry." I
+shook Scudamour by the hand, telling him that he had acted judiciously;
+but if I could have stabbed him in the back at that moment I dare say
+I would have done it.
+
+I did not see Scudamour again for a long time, for I took care to keep
+out of his way; but I heard first from him and then of him. One day he
+wrote to me saying that his nephew was going to Bombay, and would I be
+so good as to give the youth an introduction to my brother Henry? He
+also asked me to dine with him and his nephew. I declined the dinner,
+but I sent the nephew the required note of introduction to Henry.
+The next I heard of Scudamour was from Pettigrew. "By the way," said
+Pettigrew, "Scudamour is in Edinburgh at present." I trembled, for
+Edinburgh is where Alexander lives. "What has taken him there?" I
+asked, with assumed carelessness. Pettigrew believed it was business;
+"but," he added, "Scudamour asked me to tell you that he meant to call
+on Alexander, as he was anxious to see Henry's children." A few days
+afterward I had a telegram from Alexander, who generally uses this means
+of communication when he corresponds with me.
+
+"Do you know a man, Scudamour? Reply," was what Alexander said. I
+thought of answering that we had met a man of that name when we were
+in Paris; but after consideration, I replied boldly: "Know no one of
+name of Scudamour."
+
+About two months ago I passed Scudamour in Regent Street, and he scowled
+at me. This I could have borne if there had been no more of Henry; but I
+knew that Scudamour was now telling everybody about Henry's wife.
+
+By and by I got a letter from an old friend of Alexander's asking me
+if there was any truth in a report that Alexander was going to Bombay.
+Soon afterward Alexander wrote to me saying he had been told by several
+persons that I was going to Bombay. In short, I saw that the time had
+come for killing Henry. So I told Pettigrew that Henry had died of
+fever, deeply regretted; and asked him to be sure to tell Scudamour,
+who had always been interested in the deceased's welfare. Pettigrew
+afterward told me that he had communicated the sad intelligence to
+Scudamour. "How did he take it?" I asked. "Well," Pettigrew said,
+reluctantly, "he told me that when he was up in Edinburgh he did not get
+on well with Alexander. But he expressed great curiosity as to Henry's
+children." "Ah," I said, "the children were both drowned in the Forth; a
+sad affair--we can't bear to talk of it." I am not likely to see much of
+Scudamour again, nor is Alexander. Scudamour now goes about saying that
+Henry was the only one of us he really liked.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+HOUSE-BOAT "ARCADIA."
+
+
+Scrymgeour had a house-boat called, of course, the _Arcadia_, to
+which he was so ill-advised as to invite us all at once. He was at that
+time lying near Cookham, attempting to catch the advent of summer on a
+canvas, and we were all, unhappily, able to accept his invitation.
+Looking back to this nightmare of a holiday, I am puzzled at our not
+getting on well together, for who should be happy in a house-boat if not
+five bachelors, well known to each other, and all smokers of the same
+tobacco? Marriot says now that perhaps we were happy without knowing it;
+but that is nonsense. We were miserable.
+
+I have concluded that we knew each other too well. Though accustomed to
+gather together in my rooms of an evening in London, we had each his
+private chambers to retire to, but in the _Arcadia_ solitude was
+impossible. There was no escaping from each other.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Scrymgeour, I think, said that we were unhappy because each of us acted
+as if the house-boat was his own. We retorted that the boy--by no means
+a William John--was at the bottom of our troubles, and then Scrymgeour
+said that he had always been against having a boy. We had been opposed
+to a boy at first, too, fancying that we should enjoy doing our own
+cooking. Seeing that there were so many of us, this should not have
+been difficult, but the kitchen was small, and we were always striking
+against each other and knocking things over. We had to break a
+window-pane to let the smoke out; then Gilray, in kicking the stove
+because he had burned his fingers on it, upset the thing, and, before
+we had time to intervene, a leg of mutton jumped out and darted into the
+coal-bunk. Jimmy foolishly placed our six tumblers on the window-sill to
+dry, and a gust of wind toppled them into the river. The draughts were a
+nuisance. This was owing to windows facing each other being left open,
+and as a result articles of clothing disappeared so mysteriously that we
+thought there must be a thief or a somnambulist on board. The third or
+fourth day, however, going into the saloon unexpectedly, I caught my
+straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind. When last seen it was
+on its way to Maidenhead, bowling along at the rate of several miles
+an hour. So we thought it would be as well to have a boy. As far as I
+remember, this was the only point unanimously agreed upon during the
+whole time we were aboard. They told us at the Ferry Hotel that boys
+were rather difficult to get in Cookham; but we instituted a vigorous
+house-to-house search, and at last we ran a boy to earth and carried
+him off.
+
+It was most unfortunate for all concerned that the boy did not sleep
+on board. There was, however, no room for him; so he came at seven in
+the morning, and retired when his labors were over for the day. I say
+he came; but in point of fact that was the difficulty with the boy. He
+couldn't come. He came as far as he could: that is to say, he walked up
+the tow-path until he was opposite the house-boat, and then he hallooed
+to be taken on board, whereupon some one had to go in the dingy for him.
+All the time we were in the house-boat that boy was never five minutes
+late. Wet or fine, calm or rough, 7 A.M. found the boy on the tow-path
+hallooing. No sooner were we asleep than the dewy morn was made hideous
+by the boy. Lying in bed with the blankets over our heads to deaden his
+cries, his fresh, lusty young voice pierced wood-work, blankets, sheets,
+everything. "Ya-ho, ahoy, ya-ho, aho, ahoy!" So he kept it up. What
+followed may easily be guessed. We all lay as silent as the grave, each
+waiting for some one else to rise and bring the impatient lad across.
+At last the stillness would be broken by some one's yelling out that he
+would do for that boy. A second would mutter horribly in his sleep; a
+third would make himself a favorite for the moment by shouting through
+the wooden partition that it was the fifth's turn this morning. The
+fifth would tell us where he would see the boy before he went across for
+him. Then there would be silence again. Eventually some one would put an
+ulster over his night-shirt, and sternly announce his intention of going
+over and taking the boy's life. Hearing this, the others at once dropped
+off to sleep. For a few days we managed to trick the boy by pulling up
+our blinds and so conveying to his mind the impression that we were
+getting up. Then he had not our breakfast ready when we did get up,
+which naturally enraged us.
+
+As soon as he got on board that boy made his presence felt. He was very
+strong and energetic in the morning, and spent the first half-hour or so
+in flinging coals at each other. This was his way of breaking them; and
+he was by nature so patient and humble that he rather flattered himself
+when a coal broke at the twentieth attempt. We used to dream that he was
+breaking coals on our heads. Often one of us dashed into the kitchen,
+threatening to drop him into the river if he did not sit quite still
+on a chair for the next two hours. Under these threats he looked
+sufficiently scared to satisfy anybody; but as soon as all was quiet
+again he crept back to the coal-bunk and was at his old games.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It didn't matter what we did, the boy put a stop to it. We tried whist,
+and in ten minutes there was a "Hoy, hie, ya-ho!" from the opposite
+shore. It was the boy come back with the vegetables. If we were reading,
+"Ya-ho, hie!" and some one had to cross for that boy and the water-can.
+The boy was on the tow-path just when we had fallen into a snooze; he had
+to be taken across for the milk immediately we had lighted our pipes. On
+the whole, it is an open question whether it was not even more annoying
+to take him over than to go for him. Two or three times we tried to be
+sociable and went into the village together; but no sooner had we begun
+to enjoy ourselves than we remembered that we must go back and let the
+boy ashore. Tennyson speaks of a company making believe to be merry
+while all the time the spirit of a departed one haunted them in their
+play. That was exactly the effect of the boy on us.
+
+Even without the boy I hardly think we should have been a sociable
+party. The sight of so much humanity gathered in one room became a
+nuisance. We resorted to all kinds of subterfuge to escape from each
+other; and the one who finished breakfast first generally managed to
+make off with the dingy. The others were then at liberty to view him in
+the distance, in midstream, lying on his back in the bottom of the boat;
+and it was almost more than we could stand. The only way to bring him
+back was to bribe the boy into saying that he wanted to go across to the
+village for bacon or black lead or sardines. Thus even the boy had his
+uses.
+
+Things gradually got worse and worse. I remember only one day when
+as many as four of us were on speaking terms. Even this temporary
+sociability was only brought about in order that we might combine and
+fall upon Jimmy with the more crushing force. Jimmy had put us in an
+article, representing himself as a kind of superior person who was
+making a study of us. The thing was such a gross caricature, and so
+dull, that it was Jimmy we were sorry for rather than ourselves. Still,
+we gathered round him in a body and told him what we thought of the
+matter. Affairs might have gone more smoothly after this if we four had
+been able to hold together. Unfortunately, Jimmy won Marriot over, and
+next day there was a row all round, which resulted in our division into
+five parties.
+
+One day Pettigrew visited us. He brought his Gladstone bag with him, but
+did not stay over night. He was glad to go; for at first none of us, I
+am afraid, was very civil to him, though we afterward thawed a little.
+He returned to London and told every one how he found us. I admit we
+were not prepared to receive company. The house-boat consisted of five
+apartments--a saloon, three bedrooms, and a kitchen. When he boarded us
+we were distributed as follows: I sat smoking in the saloon, Marriot sat
+smoking in the first bedroom, Gilray in the second, Jimmy in the third,
+and Scrymgeour in the kitchen. The boy did not keep Scrymgeour company.
+He had been ordered on deck, where he sat with his legs crossed, the
+picture of misery because he had no coals to break. A few days after
+Pettigrew's visit we followed him to London, leaving Scrymgeour behind,
+where we soon became friendly again.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+THE ARCADIA MIXTURE AGAIN.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+One day, some weeks after we left Scrymgeour's house-boat, I was
+alone in my rooms, very busy smoking, when William John entered with
+a telegram. It was from Scrymgeour, and said, "You have got me into
+a dreadful mess. Come down here first train."
+
+Wondering what mess I could have got Scrymgeour into, I good-naturedly
+obeyed his summons, and soon I was smoking placidly on the deck of the
+house-boat, while Scrymgeour, sullen and nervous, tramped back and
+forward. I saw quickly that the only tobacco had something to do with
+his troubles, for he began by announcing that one evening soon after
+we left him he found that we had smoked all his Arcadia. He would have
+dispatched the boy to London for it, but the boy had been all day in the
+village buying a loaf, and would not be back for hours. Cookham cigars
+Scrymgeour could not smoke; cigarettes he only endured if made from the
+Arcadia.
+
+At Cookham he could only get tobacco that made him uncomfortable. Having
+recently begun to use a new pouch, he searched his pockets in vain for
+odd shreds of the Mixture to which he had so contemptibly become a
+slave. In a very bad temper he took to his dingy, vowing for a little
+while that he would violently break the chains that bound him to one
+tobacco, and afterward, when he was restored to his senses that he would
+jilt the Arcadia gradually. He had pulled some distance down the river,
+without regarding the Cliveden Woods, when he all but ran into a blaze
+of Chinese lanterns. It was a house-boat called--let us change its name
+to the _Heathen Chinee_. Staying his dingy with a jerk, Scrymgeour
+looked up, when a wonderful sight met his eyes. On the open window of an
+apparently empty saloon stood a round tin of tobacco, marked "Arcadia
+Mixture."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Scrymgeour sat gaping. The only sound to be heard, except a soft splash
+of water under the house-boat, came from the kitchen, where a servant
+was breaking crockery for supper. The romantic figure in the dingy
+stretched out his hand and then drew it back, remembering that there was
+a law against this sort of thing. He thought to himself, "If I were to
+wait until the owner returns, no doubt a man who smokes the Arcadia
+would feel for me." Then his fatal horror of explanations whispered to
+him, "The owner may be a stupid, garrulous fellow who will detain you
+here half the night explaining your situation." Scrymgeour, I want to
+impress upon the reader, was, like myself, the sort of a man who, if
+asked whether he did not think "In Memoriam" Mr. Browning's greatest
+poem, would say Yes, as the easiest way of ending the conversation.
+Obviously he would save himself trouble by simply annexing the tin.
+He seized it and rowed off.
+
+Smokers, who know how tobacco develops the finer feelings, hardly
+require to be told what happened next. Suddenly Scrymgeour remembered
+that he was probably leaving the owner of the _Heathen Chinee_
+without any Arcadia Mixture. He at once filled his pouch, and, pulling
+softly back to the house-boat, replaced the tin on the window, his bosom
+swelling with the pride of those who give presents. At the same moment a
+hand gripped him by the neck, and a girl, somewhere on deck, screamed.
+
+Scrymgeour's captor, who was no other than the owner of the _Heathen
+Chinee_, dragged him fiercely into the house-boat and stormed at him
+for five minutes. My friend shuddered as he thought of the explanations
+to come when he was allowed to speak, and gradually he realized that he
+had been mistaken for someone else--apparently for some young blade who
+had been carrying on a clandestine flirtation with the old gentleman's
+daughter. It will take an hour, thought Scrymgeour, to convince him that
+I am not that person, and another hour to explain why I am really here.
+Then the weak creature had an idea: "Might not the simplest plan be to
+say that his surmises are correct, promise to give his daughter up, and
+row away as quickly as possible?" He began to wonder if the girl was
+pretty; but saw it would hardly do to say that he reserved his defence
+until he could see her.
+
+"I admit," he said, at last, "that I admire your daughter; but she
+spurned my advances, and we parted yesterday forever."
+
+"Yesterday!"
+
+"Or was it the day before?"
+
+"Why, sir, I have caught you red-handed!"
+
+"This is an accident," Scrymgeour explained, "and I promise never to
+speak to her again." Then he added, as an after-thought, "however
+painful that may be to me."
+
+Before Scrymgeour returned to his dingy he had been told that he would
+be drowned if he came near that house-boat again. As he sculled away he
+had a glimpse of the flirting daughter, whom he described to me briefly
+as being of such engaging appearance that six yards was a trying
+distance to be away from her.
+
+"Here," thought Scrymgeour that night over a pipe of the Mixture, "the
+affair ends; though I dare say the young lady will call me terrible
+names when she hears that I have personated her lover. I must take care
+to avoid the father now, for he will feel that I have been following
+him. Perhaps I should have made a clean breast of it; but I do loathe
+explanations."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Two days afterward Scrymgeour passed the father and daughter on the
+river. The lady said "Thank you" to him with her eyes, and, still more
+remarkable, the old gentleman bowed.
+
+Scrymgeour thought it over. "She is grateful to me," he concluded, "for
+drawing away suspicion from the other man, but what can have made the
+father so amiable? Suppose she has not told him that I am an impostor,
+he should still look upon me as a villain; and if she has told him, he
+should be still more furious. It is curious, but no affair of mine."
+Three times within the next few days he encountered the lady on the
+tow-path or elsewhere with a young gentleman of empty countenance, who,
+he saw must be the real Lothario. Once they passed him when he was in
+the shadow of a tree, and the lady was making pretty faces with a
+cigarette in her mouth. The house-boat _Heathen Chinee_ lay but a
+short distance off, and Scrymgeour could see the owner gazing after his
+daughter placidly, a pipe between his lips.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"He must be approving of her conduct now," was my friend's natural
+conclusion. Then one forenoon Scrymgeour travelled to town in the same
+compartment as the old gentleman, who was exceedingly frank, and made
+sly remarks about romantic young people who met by stealth when there
+was no reason why they should not meet openly. "What does he mean?"
+Scrymgeour asked himself, uneasily. He saw terribly elaborate
+explanations gathering and shrank from them.
+
+Then Scrymgeour was one day out in a punt, when he encountered the old
+gentleman in a canoe. The old man said, purple with passion, that he
+was on his way to pay Mr. Scrymgeour a business visit. "Oh, yes," he
+continued, "I know who you are; if I had not discovered you were a man
+of means I would not have let the thing go on, and now I insist on an
+explanation."
+
+Explanations!
+
+They made for Scrymgeour's house-boat, with almost no words on the young
+man's part; but the father blurted out several things--as that his
+daughter knew where he was going when he left the _Heathen Chinee_,
+and that he had an hour before seen Scrymgeour making love to another
+girl.
+
+"Don't deny it!" cried the indignant father; "I recognized you by your
+velvet coat and broad hat."
+
+Then Scrymgeour began to see more clearly. The girl had encouraged
+the deception, and had been allowed to meet her lover because he was
+supposed to be no adventurer but the wealthy Mr. Scrymgeour. She must
+have told the fellow to get a coat and hat like his to help the plot.
+At the time the artist only saw all this in a jumble.
+
+Scrymgeour had bravely resolved to explain everything now; but his
+bewilderment may be conceived when, on entering his saloon with the
+lady's father, the first thing they saw was the lady herself. The old
+gentleman gasped, and his daughter looked at Scrymgeour imploringly.
+
+"Now," said the father fiercely, "explain."
+
+The lady's tears became her vastly. Hardly knowing what he did,
+Scrymgeour put his arm around her.
+
+"Well, go on," I said, when at this point Scrymgeour stopped.
+
+"There is no more to tell," he replied; "you see the girl allowed me
+to--well, protect her--and--and the old gentleman thinks we are
+engaged."
+
+"I don't wonder. What does the lady say?"
+
+"She says that she ran along the bank and got into my house-boat by the
+plank, meaning to see me before her father arrived and to entreat me to
+run away."
+
+"With her?"
+
+"No, without her."
+
+"But what does she say about explaining matters to her father?"
+
+"She says she dare not, and as for me, I could not. That was why I
+telegraphed to you."
+
+
+"You want me to be intercessor? No, Scrymgeour; your only honorable
+course is marriage."
+
+"But you must help me. It is all your fault, teaching me to like the
+Arcadia Mixture."
+
+I thought this so impudent of Scrymgeour that I bade him good-night at
+once. All the men on the stair are still confident that he would have
+married her, had the lady not cut the knot by eloping with Scrymgeour's
+double.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+THE ROMANCE OF A PIPE-CLEANER.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We continued to visit the _Arcadia_, though only one at a time now,
+and Gilray, who went most frequently, also remained longest. In other
+words, he was in love again, and this time she lived at Cookham.
+Marriot's love affairs I pushed from me with a wave of my pipe, but
+Gilray's second case was serious.
+
+In time, however, he returned to the Arcadia Mixture, though not until
+the house-boat was in its winter quarters. I witnessed his complete
+recovery, the scene being his chambers. Really it is rather a pathetic
+story, and so I give the telling of it to a rose, which the lady once
+presented to Gilray. Conceive the rose lying, as I saw it, on Gilray's
+hearth-rug, and then imagine it whispering as follows:
+
+"A wire was round me that white night on the river when she let him take
+me from her. Then I hated the wire. Alas! hear the end.
+
+"My moments are numbered; and if I would expose him with my dying sigh,
+I must not sentimentalize over my own decay. They were in a punt, her
+hand trailing in the water, when I became his. When they parted that
+night at Cookham Lock, he held her head in his hands, and they gazed in
+each other's eyes. Then he turned away quickly; when he reached the punt
+again he was whistling. Several times before we came to the house-boat
+in which he and another man lived, he felt in his pocket to make sure
+that I was still there. At the house-boat he put me in a tumbler of
+water out of sight of his friend, and frequently he stole to the spot
+like a thief to look at me. Early next morning he put me in his
+buttonhole, calling me sweet names. When his friend saw me, he too
+whistled, but not in the same way. Then my owner glared at him. This
+happened many months ago.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Next evening I was in a garden that slopes to the river. I was on his
+breast, and so for a moment was she. His voice was so soft and low as
+he said to her the words he had said to me the night before, that I
+slumbered in a dream. When I awoke suddenly he was raging at her, and
+she cried. I know not why they quarrelled so quickly, but it was about
+some one whom he called 'that fellow,' while she called him a 'friend of
+papa's.' He looked at her for a long time again, and then said coldly
+that he wished her a very good-evening. She bowed and went toward a
+house, humming a merry air, while he pretended to light a cigarette made
+from a tobacco of which he was very fond. Till very late that night I
+heard him walking up and down the deck of the house-boat, his friend
+shouting to him not to be an ass. Me he had flung fiercely on the floor
+of the house-boat. About midnight he came downstairs, his face white,
+and, snatching me up, put me in his pocket. Again we went into the punt,
+and he pushed it within sight of the garden. There he pulled in his pole
+and lay groaning in the punt, letting it drift, while he called her his
+beloved and a little devil. Suddenly he took me from his pocket, kissed
+me, and cast me down from him into the night. I fell among reeds, head
+downward; and there I lay all through the cold, horrid night. The gray
+morning came at last, then the sun, and a boat now and again. I thought
+I had found my grave, when I saw his punt coming toward the reeds. He
+searched everywhere for me, and at last he found me. So delighted and
+affectionate was he that I forgave him my sufferings, only I was jealous
+of a letter in his other pocket, which he read over many times,
+murmuring that it explained everything.
+
+"Her I never saw again, but I heard her voice. He kept me now in a
+leather case in an inner pocket, where I was squeezed very flat. What
+they said to each other I could not catch; but I understood afterward,
+for he always repeated to me what he had been saying to her, and many
+times he was loving, many times angry, like a bad man. At last came a
+day when he had a letter from her containing many things he had given
+her, among them a ring on which she had seemed to set great store.
+What it all meant I never rightly knew, but he flung the ring into
+the Thames, calling her all the old wicked names and some new ones.
+I remember how we rushed to her house, along the bank this time, and
+that she asked him to be her brother; but he screamed denunciations at
+her, again speaking of 'that fellow,' and saying that he was going
+to-morrow to Manitoba.
+
+"So far as I know, they saw each other no more. He walked on the deck
+so much now that his friend went back to London, saying he could get
+no sleep. Sometimes we took long walks alone; often we sat for hours
+looking at the river, for on those occasions he would take me out of the
+leather case and put me on his knee. One day his friend came back and
+told him that he would soon get over it, he himself having once had
+a similar experience; but my master said no one had ever loved as he
+loved, and muttered 'Vixi, vixi' to himself till the other told him not
+to be a fool, but to come to the hotel and have something to eat. Over
+this they quarrelled, my master hinting that he would eat no more; but
+he ate heartily after his friend was gone.
+
+"After a time we left the house-boat, and were in chambers in a great
+inn. I was still in his pocket, and heard many conversations between him
+and people who came to see him, and he would tell them that he loathed
+the society of women. When they told him, as one or two did, that they
+were in love, he always said that he had gone through that stage ages
+ago. Still, at nights he would take me out of my case, when he was
+alone, and look at me; after which he walked up and down the room in
+an agitated manner and cried 'Vixi.'
+
+"By and by he left me in a coat that he was no longer wearing. Before
+this he had always put me into whatever coat he had on. I lay neglected,
+I think, for a month, until one day he felt the pockets of the coat for
+something else, and pulled me out. I don't think he remembered what was
+in the leather case at first; but as he looked at me his face filled
+with sentiment, and next day he took me with him to Cookham. The winter
+was come, and it was a cold day. There were no boats on the river. He
+walked up the bank to the garden where was the house in which she had
+lived; but the place was now deserted. On the garden gate he sat down,
+taking me from his pocket; and here, I think, he meant to recall the
+days that were dead. But a cold, piercing wind was blowing, and many
+times he looked at his watch, putting it to his ear as if he thought it
+had stopped. After a little he took to flinging stones into the water,
+for something to do; and then he went to the hotel and stayed there
+till he got a train back to London. We were home many hours before he
+meant to be back, and that night he went to a theatre.
+
+"That was my last day in the leather case. He keeps something else in
+it now. He flung me among old papers, smoking-caps, slippers, and other
+odds and ends into a box, where I have remained until to-night. A month
+or more ago he rummaged in the box for some old letters, and coming upon
+me unexpectedly, he jagged his finger on the wire. 'Where on earth did
+you come from?' he asked me. Then he remembered, and flung me back among
+the papers with a laugh. Now we come to to-night. An hour ago I heard
+him blowing down something, then stamping his feet. From his words I
+knew that his pipe was stopped. I heard him ring a bell and ask angrily
+who had gone off with his pipe-cleaners. He bustled through the room
+looking for them or for a substitute, and after a time he cried aloud,
+'I have it; that would do; but where was it I saw the thing last?' He
+pulled out several drawers, looked through his desk, and then opened the
+box in which I lay. He tumbled its contents over until he found me, and
+then he pulled me out, exclaiming, 'Eureka!' My heart sank, for I
+understood all as I fell leaf by leaf on the hearth-rug where I now lie.
+He took the wire off me and used it to clean his pipe."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+WHAT COULD HE DO?
+
+
+This was another of Marriot's perplexities of the heart. He had been on
+the Continent, and I knew from his face, the moment he returned, that I
+would have a night of him.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"On the 4th of September," he began, playing agitatedly with my
+tobacco-pouch, which was not for hands like his, "I had walked from
+Spondinig to Franzenshohe, which is a Tyrolese inn near the top of
+Stelvio Pass. From the inn to a very fine glacier is only a stroll of a
+few minutes; but the path is broken by a roaring stream. The only bridge
+across this stream is a plank, which seemed to give way as I put my foot
+on it. I drew back, for the stream would be called one long waterfall in
+England. Though a passionate admirer of courage, I easily lose my head
+myself, and I did not dare to venture across the plank. I walked up the
+stream, looking in vain for another crossing, and finally sat down on a
+wilderness of stones, from which I happened to have a good view of the
+plank. In parties of two and three a number of tourists strolled down
+the path; but they were all afraid to cross the bridge. I saw them test
+it with their alpenstocks; but none would put more than one foot on it.
+They gathered there at their wit's end. Suddenly I saw that there was
+some one on the plank. It was a young lady. I stood up and gazed. She
+was perhaps a hundred yards away from me; but I could distinctly make
+out her swaying, girlish figure, her deer-stalker cap, and the ends of
+her boa (as, I think, those long, furry things are called) floating in
+the wind. In a moment she was safe on the other side; but on the middle
+of the plank she had turned to kiss her hand to some of her more timid
+friends, and it was then that I fell in love with her. No doubt it was
+the very place for romance, if one was sufficiently clad; but I am not
+'susceptible,' as it is called, and I had never loved before. On the
+other hand, I was always a firm believer in love at first sight, which,
+as you will see immediately, is at the very root of my present
+sufferings.
+
+"The other tourists, their fears allayed, now crossed the plank, but I
+hurried away anywhere; and found myself an hour afterward on a hillside,
+surrounded by tinkling cows. All that time I had been thinking of a
+plank with a girl on it. I returned hastily to the inn, to hear that
+the heroine of the bridge and her friends had already driven off up the
+pass. My intention had been to stay at Franzenshohe over night, but of
+course I at once followed the line of carriages which could be seen
+crawling up the winding road. It was no difficult matter to overtake
+them, and in half an hour I was within a few yards of the hindmost
+carriage. It contained her of whom I was in pursuit. Her back was
+toward me, but I recognized the cap and the boa. I confess that I was
+nervous about her face, which I had not yet seen. So often had I been
+disappointed in ladies when they showed their faces, that I muttered
+Jimmy's aphorism to myself: 'The saddest thing in life is that most
+women look best from the back.' But when she looked round all anxiety
+was dispelled. So far as your advice is concerned, it cannot matter
+to you what she was like. Briefly, she was charming.
+
+"I am naturally shy, and so had more difficulty in making her
+acquaintance than many travellers would have had. It was at the baths of
+Bormio that we came together. I had bribed a waiter to seat me next her
+father at dinner; but, when the time came, I could say nothing to him,
+so anxious was I to create a favorable impression. In the evening,
+however, I found the family gathered round a pole, with skittles at the
+foot of it. They were wondering how Italian skittles was played, and,
+though I had no idea, I volunteered to teach them. Fortunately none of
+them understood Italian, and consequently the expostulations of the boy
+in charge were disregarded. It is not my intention to dwell upon the
+never-to-be-forgotten days--ah, and still more the evenings--we spent
+at the baths of Bormio. I had loved her as she crossed the plank; but
+daily now had I more cause to love her, and it was at Bormio that she
+learned--I say it with all humility--to love me. The seat in the garden
+on which I proposed is doubtless still to be seen, with the chair near
+it on which her papa was at that very moment sitting, with one of his
+feet on a small table. During the three sunny days that followed, my
+life was one delicious dream, with no sign that the awakening was at
+hand.
+
+"So far I had not mentioned the incident at Franzenshohe to her. Perhaps
+you will call my reticence contemptible; but the fact is, I feared to
+fall in her esteem. I could not have spoken of the plank without
+admitting that I was afraid to cross it; and then what would she, who
+was a heroine, think of a man who was so little of a hero? Thus, though
+I had told her many times that I fell in love with her at first sight,
+she thought I referred to the time when she first saw me. She liked to
+hear me say that I believed in no love but love at first sight; and,
+looking back, I can recall saying it at least once on every seat in the
+garden at the baths of Bormio.
+
+"Do you know Tirano, a hamlet in a nest of vines, where Italian soldiers
+strut and women sleep in the sun beside baskets of fruit? How happily we
+entered it; were we the same persons who left it within an hour? I was
+now travelling with her party; and at Tirano, while the others rested,
+she and I walked down a road between vines and Indian corn. Why I should
+then have told her that I loved her for a whole day before she saw me
+I cannot tell. It may have been something she said, perhaps only an
+irresistible movement of her head; for her grace was ever taking me by
+surprise, and she was a revelation a thousand times a day. But whatever
+it was that made me speak out, I suddenly told her that I fell in love
+with her as she stood upon the plank at Franzenshohe. I remember her
+stopping short at a point where there had probably once been a gate to
+the vineyard, and I thought she was angry with me for not having told
+her of the Franzenshohe incident before. Soon the pallor of her face
+alarmed me. She entreated me to say it was not at Franzenshohe that I
+first loved her, and I fancied she was afraid lest her behavior on the
+bridge had seemed a little bold. I told her it was divine, and pictured
+the scene as only an anxious lover could do. Then she burst into tears,
+and we went back silently to her relatives. She would not say a word
+to me.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"We drove to Sondrio, and before we reached it I dare say I was as pale
+as she. A horrible thought had flashed upon me. At Sondrio I took her
+papa aside, and, without telling him what had happened, questioned him
+about his impressions of Franzenshohe. 'You remember the little bridge,'
+he said, 'that we were all afraid to cross; by Jove! I have often
+wondered who that girl was that ventured over it first.'
+
+"I hastened away from him to think. My fears had been confirmed. It was
+not she who had first crossed the plank. Therefore it was not she with
+whom I had fallen in love. Nothing could be plainer than that I was in
+love with the wrong person. All the time I had loved another. But who
+was she? Besides, did I love her? Certainly not. Yes, but why did I love
+this one? The whole foundation of my love had been swept away. Yet the
+love remained. Which is absurd.
+
+"At Colico I put the difficulty to her father; but he is stout, and did
+not understand its magnitude. He said he could not see how it mattered.
+As for her, I have never mentioned it to her again; but she is always
+thinking of it, and so am I. A wall has risen up between us, and how to
+get over it or whether I have any right to get over it, I know not. Will
+you help me--and her?"
+
+"Certainly not," I said.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+PRIMUS.
+
+
+Primus is my brother's eldest son, and he once spent his Easter
+holidays with me. I did not want him, nor was he anxious to come, but
+circumstances were too strong for us, and, to be just to Primus, he did
+his best to show me that I was not in his way. He was then at the age
+when boys begin to address each other by their surnames.
+
+I have said that I always took care not to know how much tobacco I
+smoked in a week, and therefore I may be hinting a libel on Primus when
+I say that while he was with me the Arcadia disappeared mysteriously.
+Though he spoke respectfully of the Mixture--as became my nephew--he
+tumbled it on to the table, so that he might make a telephone out of
+the tins, and he had a passion for what he called "snipping cigars."
+Scrymgeour gave him a cigar-cutter which was pistol-shaped. You put the
+cigar end in a hole, pull the trigger, and the cigar was snipped. The
+simplicity of the thing fascinated Primus, and after his return to
+school I found that he had broken into my Cabana boxes and snipped
+nearly three hundred cigars.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As soon as he arrived Primus laid siege to the heart of William John,
+captured it in six hours, and demoralized it in twenty-four. We, who had
+known William John for years, considered him very practical, but Primus
+fired him with tales of dark deeds at "old Poppy's"--which was Primus's
+handy name for his preceptor--and in a short time William John was so
+full of romance that we could not trust him to black our boots. He and
+Primus had a scheme for seizing a lugger and becoming pirates, when
+Primus was to be captain, William John first lieutenant, and old Poppy a
+prisoner. To the crew was added a boy with a catapult, one Johnny Fox,
+who was another victim of the tyrant Poppy, and they practised walking
+the plank at Scrymgeour's window. The plank was pushed nearly half-way
+out at the window, and you walked up it until it toppled and you were
+flung into the quadrangle. Such was the romance of William John that he
+walked the plank with his arms tied, shouting scornfully, by request,
+"Captain Kidd, I defy you! ha, ha! the buccaneer does not live who
+will blanch the cheeks of Dick, the Doughty Tar!" Then William John
+disappeared, and had to be put in poultices.
+
+While William John was in bed slowly recovering from his heroism, the
+pirate captain and Johnny Fox got me into trouble by stretching a string
+across the square, six feet from the ground, against which many tall
+hats struck, to topple in the dust. An improved sling from the Lowther
+Arcade kept the glazier constantly in the inn. Primus and Johnny Fox
+strolled into Holborn, knocked a bootblack's cap off, and returned with
+lumps on their foreheads. They were observed one day in Hyde Park--whither
+it may be feared they had gone with cigarettes--running after sheep,
+from which ladies were flying, while street-arabs chased the pirates,
+and a policeman chased the street-arabs. The only book they read was the
+"Comic History of Rome," the property of Gilray. This they liked so much
+that Primus papered the inside of his box with pictures from it. The
+only authors they consulted me about were "two big swells" called
+Descartes and James Payn, of whom Primus discovered that the one could
+always work best in bed, while the other thought Latin and Greek a
+mistake. It was the intention of the pirates to call old Poppy's
+attention to these gentlemen's views.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Soon after Primus came to me I learned that his schoolmaster had given
+him a holiday task. All the "fellows" in his form had to write an essay
+entitled "My Holidays, and How I Turned Them to Account," and to send
+it to their preceptor. Primus troubled his head little about the task
+while the composition of it was yet afar off; but as his time drew
+near he referred to it with indignation, and to his master's action
+in prescribing it as a "low trick." He frightened the housekeeper into
+tears by saying that he would not write a line of the task, and, what
+was more, he would "cheek" his master for imposing it; and I also
+heard that he and Johnny had some thought of writing the essay in
+a form suggested by their perusal of the "Comic History of Rome."
+One day I found a paper in my chambers which told me that the task was
+nevertheless receiving serious consideration. It was the instructions
+given by Primus's master with regard to the essay, which was to be "in
+the form of a letter," and "not less than five hundred words in length."
+The writer, it was suggested, should give a general sketch of how he was
+passing his time, what books he was reading, and "how he was making the
+home brighter." I did not know that Primus had risen equal to the
+occasion until one day after his departure, when I received his epistle
+from the schoolmaster, who wanted me to say whether it was a true
+statement. Here is Primus's essay on his holidays and how he made the
+home brighter:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"RESPECTED SIR:--I venture to address you on a subject of jeneral
+interest to all engaged in education, and the subject I venture to
+address you on is, 'My Hollidays and How I Turned Them to Account.'
+Three weeks and two days has now elapsed since I quitted your scholastic
+establishment, and I quitted your scholastic establishment with tears
+in my eyes, it being the one of all the scholastic establishments I
+have been at that I loved to reside in, and everybody was of an amiable
+disposition. Hollidays is good for making us renew our studdies with
+redoubled vigor, the mussels needing to be invigorated, and I have not
+overworked mind and body in my hollidays. I found my uncle well, and
+drove in a handsome to the door, and he thought I was much improved both
+in appearance and manners; and I said it was jew to the loving care
+of my teacher making improvement in appearance and manners a pleasure
+to the youth of England. My uncle was partiklarly pleased with the
+improvement I had made, not only in my appearance and manners, but also
+in my studies; and I told him Casear was the Latin writer I liked best,
+and quoted '_veni, vidi, vici_,' and some others which I regret I
+cannot mind at present. With your kind permission I should like to write
+you a line about how I spend my days during the hollidays; and my first
+way of spending my days during the hollidays is whatsoever my hands find
+to do doing it with all my might; also setting my face nobly against
+hurting the fealings of others, and minding to say, before I go to
+sleep, 'Something attempted, something done, to earn a night's repose,'
+as advised by you, my esteemed communicant. I spend my days during the
+hollidays getting up early, so as to be down in time for breakfast, and
+not to give no trouble. At breakfast I behave like a model, so as to set
+a good example; and then I go out for a walk with my esteemed young
+friend, John Fox, whom I chose carefully for a friend, fearing to
+corrupt my morals by holding communications with rude boys. The J. Fox
+whom I mentioned is esteemed by all who knows him as of a unusually
+gentle disposition; and you know him, respected sir, yourself, he being
+in my form, and best known in regretble slang as 'Foxy.' We walks in
+Hyde Park admiring the works of nature, and keeps up our classics
+when we see a tree by calling it 'arbor' and then going through the
+declensions; but we never climbs trees for fear of messing the clothes
+bestowed upon us by our beloved parents in the sweat of their brow;
+and we scorns to fling stones at the beautiful warblers which fill the
+atmosfere with music. In the afternoons I spend my days during the
+hollidays talking with the housekeeper about the things she understands,
+like not taking off my flannels till June 15, and also praising the
+matron at the school for seeing about the socks. In the evening I devote
+myself to whatever good cause I can think of; and I always take off my
+boots and put on my slippers, so as not to soil the carpet. I should
+like, respected sir, to inform you of the books I read when my duties
+does not call me elsewhere; and the books I read are the works of
+William Shakespeare, John Milton, Albert Tennyson, and Francis Bacon.
+Me and John Fox also reads the 'History of Rome,' so as to prime
+ourselves with the greatness of the past; and we hopes the glorious
+examples of Romulus and Remus, but especially Hannibal, will sink into
+our minds to spur us along. I am desirous to acquaint you with the way
+I make my uncle's home brighter; but the 500 words is up. So looking
+forward eagerly to resume my studdies, I am, respected sir, your
+dilligent pupil."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+PRIMUS TO HIS UNCLE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Though we all pretended to be glad when Primus went, we spoke of him
+briefly at times, and I read his letters aloud at our evening meetings.
+Here is a series of them from my desk. Primus was now a year and a half
+older and his spelling had improved.
+
+
+I.
+
+_November 16th._
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Though I have not written to you for a long time I often
+think about you and Mr. Gilray and the rest and the Arcadia Mixture, and
+I beg to state that my mother will have informed you I am well and happy
+but a little overworked, as I am desirous of pleasing my preceptor by
+obtaining a credible position in the exams, and we breakfast at 7:30
+sharp. I suppose you are to give me a six-shilling thing again as a
+Christmas present, so I drop you a line not to buy something I don't
+want, as it is only thirty-nine days to Christmas. I think I'll have a
+book again, but not a fairy tale or any of that sort, nor the "Swiss
+Family Robinson," nor any of the old books. There is a rattling story
+called "Kidnapped," by H. Rider Haggard, but it is only five shillings,
+so if you thought of it you could make up the six shillings by giving me
+a football belt. Last year you gave me "The Formation of Character," and
+I read it with great mental improvement and all that, but this time I
+want a change, namely, (1) not a fairy tale, (2) not an old book, (3)
+not mental improvement book. Don't fix on anything without telling me
+first what it is. Tell William John I walked into Darky and settled him
+in three rounds. Best regards to Mr. Gilray and the others.
+
+
+II.
+
+_November 19th_.
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Our preceptor is against us writing letters he doesn't see,
+so I have to carry the paper to the dormitory up my waistcoat and write
+there, and I wish old Poppy smoked the Arcadia Mixture to make him more
+like you. Never mind about the football belt, as I got Johnny Fox's for
+two white mice; so I don't want "Kidnapped," which I wrote about to you,
+as I want you to stick to six-shilling book. There is one called "Dead
+Man's Rock" that Dickson Secundus has heard about, and it sounds well;
+but it is never safe to go by the name, so don't buy it till I hear more
+about it. If you see biographies of it in the newspapers you might send
+them to me, as it should be about pirates by the title, but the author
+does not give his name, which is rather suspicious. So, remember, don't
+buy it yet, and also find out price, whether illustrated, and how many
+pages. Ballantyne's story this year is about the fire-brigade; but I
+don't think I'll have it, as he is getting rather informative, and I
+have one of his about the fire-brigade already. Of course I don't fix
+not to have it, only don't buy it at present. Don't buy "Dead Man's
+Rock" either. I am working diligently, and tell the housekeeper my socks
+is all right. We may fix on "Dead Man's Rock," but it is best not to be
+in a hurry.
+
+
+III.
+
+_November 24th_.
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--I don't think I'll have "Dead Man's Rock," as Hope has two
+stories out this year, and he is a safe man to go to. The worst of it is
+that they are three-and-six each, and Dickson Secundus says they are
+continuations of each other, so it is best to have them both or neither.
+The two at three-and-six would make seven shillings, and I wonder if you
+would care to go that length this year. I am getting on first rate with
+my Greek, and will do capital if my health does not break down with
+overpressure. Perhaps if you bought the two you would get them for 6s.
+6d. Or what do you say to the housekeeper's giving me a shilling of it,
+and not sending the neckties?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+IV.
+
+_November 26th._
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--I was disappointed at not hearing from you this morning,
+but conclude you are very busy. I don't want Hope's books, but I think
+I'll rather have a football. We played Gloucester on Tuesday and beat
+them all to sticks (five goals two tries to one try!!!). It would cost
+7s. 6d., and I'll make up the one-and-six myself out of my pocket-money;
+but you can pay it all just now, and then I'll pay you later when I am
+more flush than I am at present. I'd better buy it myself, or you might
+not get the right kind, so you might send the money in a postal order by
+return. You get the postal orders at the nearest postoffice, and inclose
+them in a letter. I want the football at once. (1) Not a book of any
+kind whatever; (2) a football, but I'll buy it myself; (3) price 7s.
+6d.; (4) send postal order.
+
+
+V.
+
+_November 29th._
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Kindly inform William John that I am in receipt of his
+favor of yesterday prox., and also your message, saying am I sure it is
+a football I want. I have to inform you that I have changed my mind and
+think I'll stick to a book (or two books according to price), after all.
+Dickson Secundus has seen a newspaper biography of "Dead Man's Rock" and
+it is ripping, but, unfortunately, there is a lot in it about a girl. So
+don't buy "Dead Man's Rock" for me. I told Fox about Hope's two books
+and he advises me to get one of them (3s. 6d.), and to take the rest of
+the money (2s. 6d.) in cash, making in all six shillings. I don't know
+if I should like that plan, though fair to both parties, as Dickson
+Secundus once took money from his father instead of a book and it went
+like winking with nothing left to show for it; but I'll think it over
+between my scholastic tasks and write to you again, so do nothing till
+you hear from me, and mind I don't want football.
+
+
+
+VI.
+
+_December 3d_.
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Don't buy Hope's books. There is a grand story out by
+Jules Verne about a man who made a machine that enabled him to walk on
+his head through space with seventy-five illustrations; but the worst of
+it is it costs half a guinea. Of course I don't ask you to give so much
+as that; but it is a pity it cost so much, as it is evidently a ripping
+book, and nothing like it. Ten-and-six is a lot of money. What do you
+think? I inclose for your consideration a newspaper account of it,
+which says it will fire the imagination and teach boys to be manly and
+self-reliant. Of course you could not give it to me; but I think it
+would do me good, and am working so hard that I have no time for
+physical exercise. It is to be got at all booksellers. P.S.--Fox has
+read "Dead Man's Rock," and likes it A 1.
+
+
+VII.
+
+_December 4th._
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--I was thinking about Jules Verne's book last night after I
+went to bed, and I see a way of getting it which both Dickson Secundus
+and Fox consider fair. I want you to give it to me as my Christmas
+present for both this year and next year. Thus I won't want a present
+from you next Christmas; but I don't mind that so long as I get this
+book. One six-shilling book this year and another next year would come
+to 12s., and Jules Verne's book is only 10s. 6d., so this plan will save
+you 1s. 6d. in the long run. I think you should buy it at once, in case
+they are all sold out before Christmas.
+
+
+VIII.
+
+_December 5th._
+
+MY DEAR UNCLE:--I hope you haven't bought the book yet, as Dickson
+Secundus has found out that there is a shop in the Strand where all the
+books are sold cheap. You get threepence off every shilling, so you
+would get a ten-and-six book for 7s. 10-1/2d. That will let you get me
+a cheapish one next year, after all. I inclose the address.
+
+
+
+IX.
+
+_December 7th_.
+
+
+DEAR UNCLE:--Dickson Secundus was looking to-day at "The Formation of
+Character," which you gave me last year, and he has found out that it
+was bought in the shop in the Strand that I wrote you about, so you got
+it for 4s. 6d. We have been looking up the books I got from you at other
+Christmases, and they all have the stamp on them which shows they were
+bought at that shop. Some of them I got when I was a kid, and that was
+the time you gave me 2s. and 3s. 6d. books; but Dickson Secundus and Fox
+have been helping me to count up how much you owe me as follows:
+
+                                       _Nominal_       _Price_
+                                       _Price_         _Paid_
+
+                                       _L_ _s._ _d._   _s._ _d._
+  1850 "Sunshine and Shadow"            0   2    0      1    6
+  1881 "Honesty Jack"                   0   2    0      1    6
+  1882 "The Boy Makes the Man"          0   3    6      2    7-1/2
+  1883 "Great Explorers"                0   3    6      2    7-1/2
+  1884 "Shooting the Rapids"            0   3    6      2    7-1/2
+  1885 "The Boy Voyagers"               0   5    0      3    9
+  1886 "The Formation of Character"     0   6    0      4    6
+                                       ____________    ___________
+                                        1   5    6     19    1-1/2
+                                        0  19  1-1/2
+                                       _____________
+                                        0   6  4-1/2
+
+
+Thus 6s. 4-1/2d. is the exact sum. The best plan will be for you not to
+buy anything for me till I get my holidays, when my father is to bring
+me to London. Tell William John I am coming.
+
+P.S.--I told my father about the Arcadia Mixture, and that is why he is
+coming to London.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+ENGLISH-GROWN TOBACCO.
+
+
+Pettigrew asked me to come to his house one evening and test some
+tobacco that had been grown in his brother's Devonshire garden. I had
+so far had no opportunity of judging for myself whether this attempt
+to grow tobacco on English soil was to succeed. Very complimentary was
+Pettigrew's assertion that he had restrained himself from trying the
+tobacco until we could test it in company. At the dinner-table while
+Mrs. Pettigrew was present we managed to talk for a time of other
+matters; but the tobacco was on our minds, and I was glad to see that,
+despite her raillery, my hostess had a genuine interest in the coming
+experiment. She drew an amusing picture, no doubt a little exaggerated,
+of her husband's difficulty in refraining from testing the tobacco until
+my arrival, declaring that every time she entered the smoking-room she
+found him staring at it. Pettigrew took this in good part, and informed
+me that she had carried the tobacco several times into the drawing-room
+to show it proudly to her friends. He was very delighted, he said, that
+I was to remain over night, as that would give us a long evening to test
+the tobacco thoroughly. A neighbor of his had also been experimenting;
+and Pettigrew, who has a considerable sense of humor, told me a
+diverting story about this gentleman and his friends having passed
+judgment on home-grown tobacco after smoking one pipe of it! We were
+laughing over the ridiculously unsatisfactory character of this test
+(so called) when we adjourned to the smoking-room. Before we did so Mrs.
+Pettigrew bade me good-night. She had also left strict orders with the
+servants that we were on no account to be disturbed.
+
+As soon as we were comfortably seated in our smoking-chairs, which takes
+longer than some people think, Pettigrew offered me a Cabana. I would
+have preferred to begin at once with the tobacco; but of course he was
+my host, and I put myself entirely in his hands. I noticed that, from
+the moment his wife left us, he was a little excited, talking more than
+is his wont. He seemed to think that he was not doing his duty as a
+host if the conversation flagged for a moment, and what was still more
+curious, he spoke of everything except his garden tobacco. I emphasize
+this here at starting, lest any one should think that I was in any way
+responsible for the manner in which our experiment was conducted. If
+fault there was, it lies at Pettigrew's door. I remember distinctly
+asking him--not in a half-hearted way, but boldly--to produce his
+tobacco. I did this at an early hour of the proceedings, immediately
+after I had lighted a second cigar. The reason I took that cigar will
+be obvious to every gentleman who smokes. Had I declined it, Pettigrew
+might have thought that I disliked the brand, which would have been
+painful to him. However, he did not at once bring out the tobacco;
+indeed, his precise words, I remember, were that we had lots of time.
+As his guest I could not press him further.
+
+Pettigrew smokes more quickly than I do, and he had reached the end of
+his second cigar when there was still five minutes of mine left. It
+distresses me to have to say what followed. He hastily lighted a third
+cigar, and then, unlocking a cupboard, produced about two ounces of
+his garden tobacco. His object was only too plain. Having just begun a
+third cigar he could not be expected to try the tobacco at present, but
+there was nothing to prevent my trying it. I regarded Pettigrew rather
+contemptuously, and then I looked with much interest at the tobacco. It
+was of an inky color. When I looked up I caught Pettigrew's eye on me.
+He withdrew it hurriedly, but soon afterward I saw him looking in the
+same sly way again. There was a rather painful silence for a time, and
+then he asked me if I had anything to say. I replied firmly that I was
+looking forward to trying the tobacco with very great interest. By this
+time my cigar was reduced to a stump, but, for reasons that Pettigrew
+misunderstood, I continued to smoke it. Somehow our chairs had got out
+of position now, and we were sitting with our backs to each other.
+I felt that Pettigrew was looking at me covertly over his shoulder,
+and took a side glance to make sure of this. Our eyes met, and I bit
+my lip. If there is one thing I loathe, it is to be looked at in this
+shame-faced manner.
+
+I continued to smoke the stump of my cigar until it scorched my
+under-lip, and at intervals Pettigrew said, without looking round, that
+my cigar seemed everlasting. I treated his innuendo with contempt; but
+at last I had to let the cigar-end go. Not to make a fuss, I dropped
+it very quietly; but Pettigrew must have been listening for the sound.
+He wheeled round at once, and pushed the garden tobacco toward me.
+Never, perhaps, have I thought so little of him as at that moment. My
+indignation probably showed in my face, for he drew back, saying that he
+thought I "wanted to try it." Now I had never said that I did not want
+to try it. The reader has seen that I went to Pettigrew's house solely
+with the object of trying the tobacco. Had Pettigrew, then, any ground
+for insinuating that I did not mean to try it? Restraining my passion,
+I lighted a third cigar, and then put the question to him bluntly. Did
+he, or did he not, mean to try that tobacco? I dare say I was a little
+brusque; but it must be remembered that I had come all the way from the
+inn, at considerable inconvenience, to give the tobacco a thorough trial.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As is the way with men of Pettigrew's type, when you corner them, he
+attempted to put the blame on me. "Why had I not tried the tobacco,"
+he asked, "instead of taking a third cigar?" For reply, I asked bitingly
+if that was not his third cigar. He admitted it was, but said that he
+smoked more quickly than I did, as if that put his behavior in a more
+favorable light. I smoked my third cigar very slowly, not because I
+wanted to put off the experiment; for, as every one must have noted,
+I was most anxious to try it, but just to see what would happen. When
+Pettigrew had finished his cigar--and I thought he would never be done
+with it--he gazed at the garden tobacco for a time, and then took a pipe
+from the mantelpiece. He held it first in one hand, then in the other,
+and then he brightened up and said he would clean his pipes. This he did
+very slowly. When he had cleaned all his pipes he again looked at the
+garden tobacco, which I pushed toward him. He glared at me as if I had
+not been doing a friendly thing, and then said, in an apologetic manner,
+that he would smoke a pipe until my cigar was finished. I said "All
+right" cordially, thinking that he now meant to begin the experiment;
+but conceive my feelings when he produced a jar of the Arcadia Mixture.
+He filled his pipe with this and proceeded to light it, looking at me
+defiantly. His excuse about waiting till I had finished was too pitiful
+to take notice of. I finished my cigar in a few minutes, and now was the
+time when I would have liked to begin the experiment. As Pettigrew's
+guest, however, I could not take that liberty, though he impudently
+pushed the garden tobacco toward me. I produced my pipe, my intention
+being only to half fill it with Arcadia, so that Pettigrew and I might
+finish our pipes at the same time. Custom, however, got the better of
+me, and inadvertently I filled my pipe, only noticing this when it was
+too late to remedy the mistake. Pettigrew thus finished before me; and
+though I advised him to begin on the garden tobacco without waiting for
+me, he insisted on smoking half a pipeful of Arcadia, just to keep me
+company. It was an extraordinary thing that, try as we might, we could
+not finish our pipes at the same time.
+
+About 2 A.M. Pettigrew said something about going to bed; and I rose and
+put down my pipe. We stood looking at the fireplace for a time, and he
+expressed regret that I had to leave so early in the morning. Then he
+put out two of the lights, and after that we both looked at the garden
+tobacco. He seemed to have a sudden idea; for rather briskly he tied the
+tobacco up into a neat paper parcel and handed it to me, saying that I
+would perhaps give it a trial at the inn. I took it without a word, but
+opening my hand suddenly I let it fall. My first impulse was to pick
+it up; but then it struck me that Pettigrew had not noticed what had
+happened, and that, were he to see me pick it up, he might think that
+I had not taken sufficient care of it. So I let it lie, and, bidding
+him good-night, went off to bed. I was at the foot of the stair when
+I thought that, after all, I should like the tobacco, so I returned.
+I could not see the package anywhere, but something was fizzing up the
+chimney, and Pettigrew had the tongs in his hand. He muttered something
+about his wife taking up wrong notions. Next morning that lady was very
+satirical about our having smoked the whole two ounces.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+HOW HEROES SMOKE.
+
+
+On a tiger-skin from the ice-clad regions of the sunless north recline
+the heroes of Ouida, rose-scented cigars in their mouths; themselves
+gloriously indolent and disdainful, but perhaps huddled a little too
+closely together on account of the limited accommodation. Strathmore is
+here. But I never felt sure of Strathmore. Was there not less in him
+than met the eye? His place, Whiteladies, was a home for kings and
+queens; but he was not the luxurious, magnanimous creature he feigned
+to be. A host may be known by the cigars he keeps; and, though it is
+perhaps a startling thing to say, we have good reason for believing that
+Strathmore did not buy good cigars. I question very much whether he had
+many Havanas, even of the second quality, at Whiteladies; if he had, he
+certainly kept them locked up. Only once does he so much as refer to
+them when at his own place, and then in the most general and suspicious
+way. "Bah!" he exclaims to a friend; "there is Phil smoking these
+wretched musk-scented cigarettes again! they are only fit for Lady
+Georgie or Eulalie Papellori. What taste, when there are my Havanas and
+cheroots!" The remark, in whatever way considered, is suggestive. In the
+first place, it is made late in the evening, after Strathmore and his
+friend have left the smoking-room. Thus it is a safe observation. I
+would not go so far as to say that he had no Havanas in the house; the
+likelihood is that he had a few in his cigar-case, kept there for show
+rather than use. These, if I understand the man, would be a good brand,
+but of small size--perhaps Reinas--and they would hardly be of a
+well-known crop. In color they would be dark--say maduro--and he would
+explain that he bought them because he liked full-flavored weeds.
+Possibly he had a Villar y Villar box with six or eight in the bottom of
+it; but boxes are not cigars. What he did provide his friends with was
+Manillas. He smoked them himself, and how careful he was of them is seen
+on every other page. He is constantly stopping in the middle of his
+conversation to "curl a loose leaf round his Manilla;" when one would
+have expected a hero like Strathmore to fling away a cigar when its
+leaves began to untwist, and light another. So thrifty is Strathmore
+that he even laboriously "curls the leaves round his cigarettes"--he
+does not so much as pretend that they are Egyptian; nay, even when
+quarrelling with Errol, his beloved friend (whom he shoots through the
+heart), he takes a cigarette from his mouth and "winds a loosened leaf"
+round it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+If Strathmore's Manillas were Capitan Generals they would cost him about
+24s. a hundred. The probability, however, is that they were of inferior
+quality; say, 17s. 6d. It need hardly be said that a good Manilla does
+not constantly require to have its leaves "curled." When Errol goes into
+the garden to smoke, he has every other minute to "strike a fusee;" from
+which it may be inferred that his cigar frequently goes out. This is
+in itself suspicious. Errol, too, is more than once seen by his host
+wandering in the grounds at night, with a cigar between his teeth.
+Strathmore thinks his susceptible friend has a love affair on hand; but
+is it not at least as probable an explanation that Errol had a private
+supply of cigars at Whiteladies, and from motives of delicacy did not
+like to smoke them in his host's presence? Once, indeed, we do see
+Strathmore smoking a good cigar, though we are not told how he came by
+it. When talking of the Vavasour, he "sticks his penknife through his
+Cabana," with the object, obviously, of smoking it to the bitter end.
+Another lady novelist, who is also an authority on tobacco, Miss Rhoda
+Broughton, contemptuously dismisses a claimant for the heroship of one
+of her stories, as the kind of man who turns up his trousers at the
+foot. It would have been just as withering to say that he stuck a
+penknife through his cigars.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is another true hero with me, whose creator has unintentionally
+misrepresented him. It is he of "Comin' thro' the Rye," a gentleman whom
+the maidens of the nineteenth century will not willingly let die. He is
+grand, no doubt; and yet, the more one thinks about him, the plainer it
+becomes that had the heroine married him she would have been bitterly
+disenchanted. In her company he was magnanimous; god-like, prodigal;
+but in his smoking-room he showed himself in his true colors. Every
+lady will remember the scene where he rushes to the heroine's home and
+implores her to return with him to the bedside of his dying wife. The
+sudden announcement that his wife--whom he had thought in a good state
+of health--is dying, is surely enough to startle even a miser out of his
+niggardliness, much less a hero; and yet what do we find Vasher doing?
+The heroine, in frantic excitement, has to pass through his smoking
+room, and on the table she sees--what? "A half-smoked cigar." He was in
+the middle of it when a servant came to tell him of his wife's dying
+request; and, before hastening to execute her wishes, he carefully
+laid what was left of his cigar upon the table--meaning, of course, to
+relight it when he came back. Though she did not think so, our heroine's
+father was a much more remarkable man than Vasher. He "blew out long,
+comfortable clouds" that made the whole of his large family "cough and
+wink again." No ordinary father could do that.
+
+Among my smoking-room favorites is the hero of Miss Adeline Sergeant's
+story, "Touch and Go." He is a war correspondent; and when he sees a
+body of the enemy bearing down upon him and the wounded officer whom he
+has sought to save, he imperturbably offers his companion a cigar. They
+calmly smoke on while the foe gallop up. There is something grand in
+this, even though the kind of cigar is not mentioned.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I see a bearded hero, with slouch hat and shepherd's crook, a clay pipe
+in his mouth. He is a Bohemian--ever a popular type of hero; and the
+Bohemian is to be known all the world over by the pipe, which he prefers
+to a cigar. The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the
+door, "blowing great clouds of smoke into the air," is the hero of a
+hundred novels. That is how he is always standing when the heroine,
+having need of something she has left in the drawing-room, glides down
+the stairs at night in her dressing-gown (her beautiful hair, released
+from its ribbons, streaming down her neck and shoulders), and comes most
+unexpectedly upon him. He is young. The senior, over whose face "a smile
+flickers for a moment" when the heroine says something naive, and whom
+she (entirely misunderstanding her feelings) thinks she hates, smokes
+unostentatiously; but though a little inclined to quiet "chaff," he is a
+man of deep feeling. By and by he will open out and gather her up in his
+arms. The scorner's chair is filled. I see him, shadow-like, a sad-eyed,
+_blase_ gentleman, who has been adored by all the beauties of
+fifteen seasons, and yet speaks of woman with a contemptuous sneer.
+Great, however, is love; and the vulgar little girl who talks slang will
+prove to him in our next volume that there is still one peerless beyond
+all others of her sex. Ah, a wondrous thing is love! On every side of
+me there are dark, handsome men, with something sinister in their smile,
+"casting away their cigars with a muffled curse." No novel would be
+complete without them. When they are foiled by the brave girl of the
+narrative, it is the recognized course with them to fling away their
+cigars with a muffled curse. Any kind of curse would do, but muffled
+ones are preferred.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS EVE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A few years ago, as some may remember, a startling ghost-paper appeared
+in the monthly organ of the Society for Haunting Houses. The writer
+guaranteed the truth of his statement, and even gave the name of the
+Yorkshire manor-house in which the affair took place. The article and
+the discussion to which it gave rise agitated me a good deal, and I
+consulted Pettigrew about the advisability of clearing up the mystery.
+The writer wrote that he "distinctly saw his arm pass through the
+apparition and come out at the other side," and indeed I still remember
+his saying so next morning. He had a scared face, but I had presence of
+mind to continue eating my rolls and marmalade as if my brier had
+nothing to do with the miraculous affair.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Seeing that he made a "paper" of it, I suppose he is justified in
+touching up the incidental details. He says, for instance, that we were
+told the story of the ghost which is said to haunt the house, just
+before going to bed. As far as I remember, it was only mentioned at
+luncheon, and then sceptically. Instead of there being snow falling
+outside and an eerie wind wailing through the skeleton trees, the night
+was still and muggy. Lastly, I did not know, until the journal reached
+my hands, that he was put into the room known as the Haunted Chamber,
+nor that in that room the fire is noted for casting weird shadows upon
+the walls. This, however, may be so. The legend of the manor-house ghost
+he tells precisely as it is known to me. The tragedy dates back to the
+time of Charles I., and is led up to by a pathetic love-story, which I
+need not give. Suffice it that for seven days and nights the old steward
+had been anxiously awaiting the return of his young master and mistress
+from their honeymoon. On Christmas eve, after he had gone to bed, there
+was a great clanging of the door-bell. Flinging on a dressing-gown,
+he hastened downstairs. According to the story, a number of servants
+watched him, and saw by the light of his candle that his face was an
+ashy white. He took off the chains of the door, unbolted it, and pulled
+it open. What he saw no human being knows; but it must have been
+something awful, for, without a cry, the old steward fell dead in the
+hall. Perhaps the strangest part of the story is this: that the shadow
+of a burly man, holding a pistol in his hand, entered by the open
+door, stepped over the steward's body, and, gliding up the stairs,
+disappeared, no one could say where. Such is the legend. I shall not
+tell the many ingenious explanations of it that have been offered.
+Every Christmas eve, however, the silent scene is said to be gone
+through again; and tradition declares that no person lives for twelve
+months at whom the ghostly intruder points his pistol.
+
+On Christmas Day the gentleman who tells the tale in a scientific
+journal created some sensation at the breakfast-table by solemnly
+asserting that he had seen the ghost. Most of the men present scouted
+his story, which may be condensed into a few words. He had retired
+to his bedroom at a fairly early hour, and as he opened the door his
+candle-light was blown out. He tried to get a light from the fire, but
+it was too low, and eventually he went to bed in the semi-darkness. He
+was wakened--he did not know at what hour--by the clanging of a bell.
+He sat up in bed, and the ghost-story came in a rush to his mind. His
+fire was dead, and the room was consequently dark; yet by and by he knew,
+though he heard no sound, that his door had opened. He cried out, "Who
+is that?" but got no answer. By an effort he jumped up and went to the
+door, which was ajar. His bedroom was on the first floor, and looking up
+the stairs he could see nothing. He felt a cold sensation at his heart,
+however, when he looked the other way. Going slowly and without a
+sound down the stairs, was an old man in a dressing-gown. He carried
+a candle. From the top of the stairs only part of the hall is visible,
+but as the apparition disappeared the watcher had the courage to go
+down a few steps after him. At first nothing was to be seen, for the
+candle-light had vanished. A dim light, however, entered by the long,
+narrow windows which flank the hall door, and after a moment the
+on-looker could see that the hall was empty. He was marvelling at this
+sudden disappearance of the steward, when, to his horror, he saw a body
+fall upon the hall floor within a few feet of the door. The watcher
+cannot say whether he cried out, nor how long he stood there trembling.
+He came to himself with a start as he realized that something was coming
+up the stairs. Fear prevented his taking flight, and in a moment the
+thing was at his side. Then he saw indistinctly that it was not the
+figure he had seen descend. He saw a younger man, in a heavy overcoat,
+but with no hat on his head. He wore on his face a look of extravagant
+triumph. The guest boldly put out his hand toward the figure. To his
+amazement his arm went through it. The ghost paused for a moment and
+looked behind it. It was then the watcher realized that it carried
+a pistol in its right hand. He was by this time in a highly strung
+condition, and he stood trembling lest the pistol should be pointed at
+him. The apparition, however, rapidly glided up the stairs and was soon
+lost to sight. Such are the main facts of the story, none of which I
+contradicted at the time.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I cannot say absolutely that I can clear up this mystery, but my
+suspicions are confirmed by a good deal of circumstantial evidence. This
+will not be understood unless I explain my strange infirmity. Wherever
+I went I used to be troubled with a presentiment that I had left my pipe
+behind. Often, even at the dinner-table, I paused in the middle of a
+sentence as if stricken with sudden pain. Then my hand went down to my
+pocket. Sometimes even after I felt my pipe, I had a conviction that it
+was stopped, and only by a desperate effort did I keep myself from
+producing it and blowing down it. I distinctly remember once dreaming
+three nights in succession that I was on the Scotch express without it.
+More than once, I know, I have wandered in my sleep, looking for it
+in all sorts of places, and after I went to bed I generally jumped out,
+just to make sure of it. My strong belief, then, is that I was the
+ghost seen by the writer of the paper. I fancy that I rose in my sleep,
+lighted a candle, and wandered down to the hall to feel if my pipe was
+safe in my coat, which was hanging there. The light had gone out when
+I was in the hall. Probably the body seen to fall on the hall floor was
+some other coat which I had flung there to get more easily at my own.
+I cannot account for the bell; but perhaps the gentleman in the Haunted
+Chamber dreamed that part of the affair. I had put on the overcoat
+before reascending; indeed I may say that next morning I was surprised
+to find it on a chair in my bedroom, also to notice that there were
+several long streaks of candle-grease on my dressing-gown. I conclude
+that the pistol, which gave my face such a look of triumph, was my
+brier, which I found in the morning beneath my pillow. The strangest
+thing of all, perhaps, is that when I awoke there was a smell of
+tobacco-smoke in the bedroom.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+NOT THE ARCADIA.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Those who do not know the Arcadia may have a mixture that their
+uneducated palate loves, but they are always ready to try other
+mixtures. The Arcadian, however, will never help himself from an
+outsider's pouch. Nevertheless, there was one black week when we all
+smoked the ordinary tobaccoes. Owing to a terrible oversight on the part
+of our purveyor, there was no Arcadia to smoke.
+
+We ought to have put our pipes aside and existed on cigars; but the
+pipes were old friends, and desert them we could not. Each of us bought
+a different mixture, but they tasted alike and were equally abominable.
+I fell ill. Doctor Southwick, knowing no better, called my malady by
+a learned name, but I knew to what I owed it. Never shall I forget
+my delight when Jimmy broke into my room one day with a pound-tin of
+the Arcadia. Weak though I was, I opened my window and, seizing the
+half-empty packet of tobacco that had made me ill, hurled it into the
+street. The tobacco scattered before it fell, but I sat at the window
+gloating over the packet, which lay a dirty scrap of paper, where every
+cab might pass over it. What I call the street is more strictly a
+square, for my windows were at the back of the inn, and their view was
+somewhat plebeian. The square is the meeting-place of five streets, and
+at the corner of each the paper was caught up in a draught that bore it
+along to the next.
+
+Here, it may be thought, I gladly forgot the cause of my troubles, but
+I really watched the paper for days. My doctor came in while I was still
+staring at it, and instead of prescribing more medicine, he made a bet
+with me. It was that the scrap of paper would disappear before the
+dissolution of the government. I said it would be fluttering around
+after the government was dissolved, and if I lost, the doctor was to get
+a new stethoscope. If I won, my bill was to be accounted discharged.
+Thus, strange as it seemed, I had now cause to take a friendly interest
+in paper that I had previously loathed. Formerly the sight of it made me
+miserable; now I dreaded losing it. But I looked for it when I rose in
+the morning, and I could tell at once by its appearance what kind of
+night it had passed. Nay, more: I believed I was able to decide how the
+wind had been since sundown, whether there had been much traffic, and if
+the fire-engine had been out. There is a fire-station within view of the
+windows, and the paper had a specially crushed appearance, as if the
+heavy engine ran over it. However, though I felt certain that I could
+pick my scrap of paper out of a thousand scraps, the doctor insisted on
+making sure. The bet was consigned to writing on the very piece of paper
+that suggested it. The doctor went out and captured it himself. On the
+back of it the conditions of the wager were formally drawn up and signed
+by both of us. Then we opened the window and the paper was cast forth
+again. The doctor solemnly promised not to interfere with it, and I gave
+him a convalescent's word of honor to report progress honestly.
+
+Several days elapsed, and I no longer found time heavy on my hands. My
+attention was divided between two papers, the scrap in the square and my
+daily copy of the _Times_. Any morning the one might tell me that I had
+lost my bet, or the other that I had won it; and I hurried to the window
+fearing that the paper had migrated to another square, and hoping my
+_Times_ might contain the information that the government was out.
+I felt that neither could last very much longer. It was remarkable how
+much my interest in politics had increased since I made this wager.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The doctor, I believe, relied chiefly on the scavengers. He thought they
+were sure to pounce upon the scrap soon. I did not, however, see why
+I should fear them. They came into the square so seldom, and stayed so
+short a time when they did come, that I disregarded them. If the doctor
+knew how much they kept away he might say I bribed them. But perhaps he
+knew their ways. I got a fright one day from a dog. It was one of those
+low-looking animals that infest the square occasionally in half-dozens,
+but seldom alone. It ran up one of the side streets, and before I
+realized what had happened it had the paper in its mouth. Then it stood
+still and looked around. For me that was indeed a trying moment. I stood
+at the window.
+
+The impulse seized me to fling open the sash and shake my fist at
+the brute; but luckily I remembered in time my promise to the doctor.
+I question if man was ever so interested in mongrel before. At one of the
+street corners there was a house to let, being meantime, as I had reason
+to believe, in the care of the wife of a police constable. A cat was
+often to be seen coming up from the area to lounge in the doorway. To
+that cat I firmly believe I owe it that I did not then lose my wager.
+Faithful animal! it came up to the door, it stretched itself; in the act
+of doing so it caught sight of the dog, and put up its back. The dog,
+resenting this demonstration of feeling, dropped the scrap of paper and
+made for the cat. I sank back into my chair.
+
+There was a greater disaster to be recorded next day. A workingman
+in the square, looking about him for a pipe-light, espied the paper
+frisking near the curb-stone. He picked it up with the obvious intention
+of lighting it at the stove of a wandering vender of hot chestnuts who
+had just crossed the square. The workingman followed, twisting the paper
+as he went, when--good luck again--a young butcher almost ran into him,
+and the loafer, with true presence of mind, at once asked him for a
+match. At any rate a match passed between them; and, to my infinite
+relief, the paper was flung away.
+
+I concealed the cause of my excitement from William John. He
+nevertheless wondered to see me run to the window every time the wind
+seemed to be rising, and getting anxious when it rained. Seeing that my
+health prevented my leaving the house, he could not make out why I
+should be so interested in the weather. Once I thought he was fairly on
+the scent. A sudden blast of wind had caught up the paper and whirled it
+high in the air. I may have uttered an ejaculation, for he came hurrying
+to the window. He found me pointing unwittingly to what was already a
+white speck sailing to the roof of the fire-station. "Is it a pigeon?"
+he asked. I caught at the idea. "Yes, a carrier-pigeon," I murmured in
+reply; "they sometimes, I believe, send messages to the fire-stations in
+that way." Coolly as I said this, I was conscious of grasping the
+window-sill in pure nervousness till the scrap began to flutter back
+into the square.
+
+Next it was squeezed between two of the bars of a drain. That was the
+last I saw of it, and the following morning the doctor had won his
+stethoscope--only by a few hours, however, for the government's end was
+announced in the evening papers. My defeat discomfited me for a little,
+but soon I was pleased that I had lost. I would not care to win a bet
+over any mixture but the Arcadia.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+A FACE THAT HAUNTED MARRIOT.
+
+
+"This is not a love affair," Marriot shouted, apologetically.
+
+He had sat the others out again, but when I saw his intention I escaped
+into my bedroom, and now refused to come out.
+
+"Look here," he cried, changing his tone, "if you don't come out I'll
+tell you all about it through the keyhole. It is the most extraordinary
+story, and I can't keep it to myself. On my word of honor it isn't a
+love affair--at least not exactly."
+
+I let him talk after I had gone to bed.
+
+"You must know," he said, dropping cigarette ashes onto my pillow every
+minute, "that some time ago I fell in with Jack Goring's father, Colonel
+Goring. Jack and I had been David and Jonathan at Cambridge, and though
+we had not met for years, I looked forward with pleasure to meeting him
+again. He was a widower, and his father and he kept joint house. But the
+house was dreary now, for the colonel was alone in it. Jack was off on
+a scientific expedition to the Pacific; all the girls had been married
+for years. After dinner my host and I had rather a dull hour in the
+smoking-room. I could not believe that Jack had grown very stout. 'I'll
+show you his photograph,' said the colonel. An album was brought down
+from a dusty shelf, and then I had to admit that my old friend had
+become positively corpulent. But it is not Jack I want to speak about.
+I turned listlessly over the pages of the album, stopping suddenly at
+the face of a beautiful girl. You are not asleep, are you?
+
+"I am not naturally sentimental, as you know, and even now I am not
+prepared to admit that I fell in love with this face. It was not, I
+think, that kind of attraction. Possibly I should have passed the
+photograph by had it not suggested old times to me--old times with a
+veil over them, for I could not identify the face. That I had at some
+period of my life known the original I felt certain, but I tapped my
+memory in vain. The lady was a lovely blonde, with a profusion of fair
+hair, and delicate features that were Roman when they were not Greek.
+To describe a beautiful woman is altogether beyond me. No doubt this
+face had faults. I fancy, for instance, that there was little character
+in the chin, and that the eyes were 'melting' rather than expressive.
+It was a vignette, the hands being clasped rather fancifully at the back
+of the head. My fingers drummed on the album as I sat there pondering;
+but when or where I had met the original I could not decide. The colonel
+could give me no information. The album was Jack's, he said, and
+probably had not been opened for years. The photograph, too, was an
+old one; he was sure it had been in the house long before his son's
+marriage, so that (and here the hard-hearted old gentleman chuckled) it
+could no longer be like the original. As he seemed inclined to become
+witty at my expense, I closed the album, and soon afterward I went away.
+I say, wake up!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"From that evening the face haunted me. I do not mean that it possessed
+me to the exclusion of everything else, but at odd moments it would
+rise before me, and then I fell into a revery. You must have noticed
+my thoughtfulness of late. Often I have laid down my paper at the club
+and tried to think back to the original. She was probably better known
+to Jack Goring than to myself. All I was sure of was that she had been
+known to both of us. Jack and I had first met at Cambridge. I thought
+over the ladies I had known there, especially those who had been friends
+of Goring's. Jack had never been a 'lady's man' precisely; but, as he
+used to say, comparing himself with me, 'he had a heart.' The annals of
+our Cambridge days were searched in vain. I tried the country house in
+which he and I had spent a good many of our vacations. Suddenly I
+remembered the reading-party in Devonshire--but no, she was dark. Once
+Jack and I had a romantic adventure in Glencoe in which a lady and her
+daughter were concerned. We tried to make the most of it; but in our
+hearts we knew, after we had seen her by the morning light, that the
+daughter was not beautiful. Then there was the French girl at Algiers.
+Jack had kept me hanging on in Algiers a week longer than we meant to
+stay. The pose of the head, the hands clasped behind it, a trick so
+irritatingly familiar to me--was that the French girl? No, the lady
+I was struggling to identify was certainly English. I'm sure you're
+asleep.
+
+"A month elapsed before I had an opportunity of seeing the photograph
+again. An idea had struck me which I meant to carry out. This was to
+trace the photograph by means of the photographer. I did not like,
+however, to mention the subject to Colonel Goring again, so I contrived
+to find the album while he was out of the smoking-room. The number of
+the photograph and the address of the photographer were all I wanted;
+but just as I had got the photograph out of the album my host returned.
+I slipped the thing quickly into my pocket, and he gave me no chance
+of replacing it. Thus it was owing to an accident that I carried
+the photograph away. My theft rendered me no assistance. True, the
+photographer's name and address were there; but when I went to the place
+mentioned it had disappeared to make way for 'residential chambers.' I
+have a few other Cambridge friends here, and I showed some of these the
+photograph. One, I am now aware, is under the impression that I am to be
+married soon, but the others were rational. Grierson, of the War Office,
+recognized the portrait at once. 'She is playing small parts at the
+Criterion,' he said. Finchley, who is a promising man at the bar, also
+recognized her. 'Her portraits were in all the illustrated papers five
+years ago,' he told me, 'at the time when she got twelve months.' They
+contradicted each other about her, however, and I satisfied myself that
+she was neither an actress at the Criterion nor the adventuress of 1883.
+It was, of course, conceivable that she was an actress, but if so her
+face was not known in the fancy stationers' windows. Are you listening?
+
+"I saw that the mystery would remain unsolved until Jack's return home;
+and when I had a letter from him a week ago, asking me to dine with him
+to-night, I accepted eagerly. He was just home, he said, and I would
+meet an old Cambridge man. We were to dine at Jack's club, and I took
+the photograph with me. I recognized Jack as soon as I entered the
+waiting-room of the club. A very short, very fat, smooth-faced man was
+sitting beside him, with his hands clasped behind his head. I believe I
+gasped. 'Don't you remember Tom Rufus,' Jack asked, 'who used to play
+the female part at the Cambridge A.D.C.? Why, you helped me to choose
+his wig at Fox's. I have a photograph of him in costume somewhere at
+home. You might recall him by his trick of sitting with his hands
+clasped behind his head.' I shook Rufus's hand. I went in to dinner,
+and probably behaved myself. Now that it is over I cannot help being
+thankful that I did not ask Jack for the name of the lady before I saw
+Rufus. Good-night. I think I've burned a hole in the pillow."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+ARCADIANS AT BAY.
+
+
+I have said that Jimmy spent much of his time in contributing to various
+leading waste-paper baskets, and that of an evening he was usually to
+be found prone on my hearth-rug. When he entered my room he was ever
+willing to tell us what he thought of editors, but his meerschaum with
+the cherry-wood stem gradually drove all passion from his breast, and
+instead of upbraiding more successful men than himself, he then lazily
+scribbled letters to them on my wall-paper. The wall to the right of the
+fireplace was thick with these epistles, which seemed to give Jimmy
+relief, though William John had to scrape and scrub at them next morning
+with india-rubber. Jimmy's sarcasm--to which that wall-paper can probably
+still speak--generally took this form:
+
+
+_To G. Buckle, Esq., Columbia Road, Shoreditch_.
+
+SIR:--I am requested by Mr. James Moggridge, editor of the _Times_,
+to return you the inclosed seven manuscripts, and to express his regret
+that there is at present no vacancy in the sub-editorial department of
+the _Times_ such as Mr. Buckle kindly offers to fill.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+
+P. R. (for J. Moggridge, Ed. _Times_).
+
+
+
+_To Mr. James Knowles, Brick Lane, Spitalfields_.
+
+DEAR SIR:--I regret to have to return the inclosed paper, which is
+not quite suitable for the _Nineteenth Century_. I find that articles
+by unknown men, however good in themselves, attract little attention.
+I inclose list of contributors for next month, including, as you will
+observe, seven members of upper circles, and remain your obedient
+servant,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Nineteenth Century_.
+
+
+
+_To Mr. W Pollock, Mile-End Road, Stepney_.
+
+SIR:--I have on two previous occasions begged you to cease sending daily
+articles to the _Saturday_. Should this continue we shall be reluctantly
+compelled to take proceedings against you. Why don't you try the _Sporting
+Times?_ Yours faithfully,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Saturday Review._
+
+
+
+_To Messrs. Sampson, Low & Co., Peabody Buildings, Islington._
+
+DEAR SIRS:--The manuscript which you forwarded for our consideration
+has received careful attention; but we do not think it would prove a
+success, and it is therefore returned to you herewith. We do not care
+to publish third-rate books. We remain yours obediently,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE & CO.
+(late Sampson, Low & Co.).
+
+
+
+_To H. Quilter, Esq., P.O. Bethnal Green._
+
+SIR:--I have to return your paper on Universal Art. It is not without
+merit; but I consider art such an important subject that I mean to deal
+with it exclusively myself. With thanks for kindly appreciation of my
+new venture, I am yours faithfully,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Universal Review._
+
+
+
+_To John Morley, Esq., Smith Street, Blackwall._
+
+SIR:--Yes, I distinctly remember meeting you on the occasion to which
+you refer, and it is naturally gratifying to me to hear that you enjoy
+my writing so much. Unfortunately, however, I am unable to accept your
+generous offer to do Lord Beaconsfield for the "English Men of Letters"
+series, as the volume has been already arranged for. Yours sincerely,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE,
+Ed. "English Men of Letters" series.
+
+
+
+_To F. C. Burnand, Esq., Peebles, N.B._
+
+SIR:--The jokes which you forwarded to _Punch_ on Monday last are
+so good that we used them three years ago. Yours faithfully,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Punch_.
+
+
+
+_To Mr. D'Oyley Carte, Cross Stone Buildings, Westminster Bridge Road._
+
+DEAR SIR:--The comic opera by your friends Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan,
+which you have submitted to me, as sole lessee and manager of the Savoy
+Theatre, is now returned to you unread. The little piece, judged from
+its title-page, is bright and pleasing, but I have arranged with two
+other gentlemen to write my operas for the next twenty-one years.
+Faithfully yours,
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE,
+Sole Lessee and Manager Savoy Theatre.
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+_To James Ruskin, Esq., Railway Station Hotel, Willisden._
+
+SIR:--I warn you that I will not accept any more copies of your books.
+I do not know the individual named Tennyson to whom you refer; but if
+he is the scribbler who is perpetually sending me copies of his verses,
+please tell him that I read no poetry except my own. Why can't you leave
+me alone?
+
+J. MOGGRIDGE, Poet Laureate.
+
+
+
+These letters of Jimmy's remind me of our famous competition, which took
+place on the night of the Jubilee celebrations. When all the rest of
+London (including William John) was in the streets, the Arcadians met as
+usual, and Scrymgeour, at my request, put on the shutters to keep out
+the din. It so happened that Jimmy and Gilray were that night in wicked
+moods, for Jimmy, who was so anxious to be a journalist, had just had
+his seventeenth article returned from the _St. John's Gazette_, and
+Gilray had been "slated" for his acting of a new part, in all the
+leading papers. They were now disgracing the tobacco they smoked by
+quarrelling about whether critics or editors were the more disreputable
+class, when in walked Pettigrew, who had not visited us for months.
+Pettigrew is as successful a journalist as Jimmy is unfortunate, and
+the pallor of his face showed how many Jubilee articles he had written
+during the past two months. Pettigrew offered each of us a Splendidad
+(his wife's new brand), which we dropped into the fireplace. Then he
+filled my little Remus with Arcadia, and sinking weariedly into a chair,
+said:
+
+"My dear Jimmy, the curse of journalism is not that editors won't accept
+our articles, but that they want too many from us."
+
+This seemed such monstrous nonsense to Jimmy that he turned his back on
+Pettigrew, and Gilray broke in with a diatribe against critics.
+
+"Critics," said Pettigrew, "are to be pitied rather than reviled."
+
+Then Gilray and Jimmy had a common foe. Whether it was Pettigrew's
+appearance among us or the fireworks outside that made us unusually
+talkative that night I cannot say, but we became quite brilliant, and
+when Jimmy began to give us his dream about killing an editor, Gilray
+said that he had a dream about criticising critics; and Pettigrew, not
+to be outdone, said that he had a dream of what would become of him if
+he had to write any more Jubilee articles. Then it was that Marriot
+suggested a competition. "Let each of the grumblers," he said, "describe
+his dream, and the man whose dream seems the most exhilarating will
+get from the judges a Jubilee pound-tin of the Arcadia." The grumblers
+agreed, but each wanted the others to dream first. At last Jimmy began
+as follows:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+JIMMY'S DREAM.
+
+
+I see before me (said Jimmy, savagely) a court, where I, James
+Moggridge, am arraigned on a charge of assaulting the editor of
+the _St. John's Gazette_ so as to cause death. Little interest is
+manifested in the case. On being arrested I had pleaded guilty, and up
+to to-day it had been anticipated that the matter would be settled out
+of court. No apology, however, being forthcoming, the law has to take
+its course. The defence is that the assault was fair comment on a
+matter of public interest, and was warranted in substance and in fact.
+On making his appearance in the dock the prisoner is received with
+slight cheering.
+
+Mr. John Jones is the first witness called for the prosecution. He says:
+I am assistant editor of the _St. John's Gazette_. It is an evening
+newspaper of pronounced Radical views. I never saw the prisoner until
+to-day, but I have frequently communicated with him. It was part of my
+work to send him back his articles. This often kept me late.
+
+In cross-examination the witness denies that he has ever sent the
+prisoner other people's articles by mistake. Pressed, he says, he may
+have done so once. The defendant generally inclosed letters with his
+articles, in which he called attention to their special features.
+Sometimes these letters were of a threatening nature, but there was
+nothing unusual in that.
+
+Cross-examined: The letters were not what he would call alarming. He had
+not thought of taking any special precautions himself. Of course, in his
+position, he had to take his chance. So far as he could remember, it was
+not for his own sake that the prisoner wanted his articles published,
+but in the interests of the public. He, the prisoner, was vexed, he
+said, to see the paper full of such inferior matter. Witness had
+frequently seen letters to the editor from other disinterested
+contributors couched in similar language. If he was not mistaken, he
+saw a number of these gentlemen in court. (Applause from the persons
+referred to.)
+
+Mr. Snodgrass says: I am a poet. I do not compose during the day. The
+strain would be too great. Every evening I go out into the streets and
+buy the latest editions of the evening journals. If there is anything
+in them worthy commemoration in verse, I compose. There is generally
+something. I cannot say to which paper I send most of my poems, as
+I send to all. One of the weaknesses of the _St. John's Gazette_ is
+its poetry. It is not worthy of the name. It is doggerel. I have sought
+to improve it, but the editor rejected my contributions. I continued to
+send them, hoping that they would educate his taste. One night I had
+sent him a very long poem which did not appear in the paper next day. I
+was very indignant, and went straight to the office. That was on Jubilee
+Day. I was told that the editor had left word that he had just gone into
+the country for two days. (Hisses.) I forced my way up the stairs,
+however, and when I reached the top I did not know which way to go.
+There were a number of doors with "No admittance" printed on them.
+(More hissing.) I heard voices in altercation in a room near me. I
+thought that was likely to be the editor's. I opened the door and went
+in. The prisoner was in the room. He had the editor on the floor and was
+jumping on him. I said, "Is that the editor?" He said, "Yes." I said,
+"Have you killed him?" He said, "Yes," again. I said, "Oh!" and went
+away. That is all I remember of the affair.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Cross-examined: It did not occur to me to interfere. I thought very
+little of the affair at the time. I think I mentioned it to my wife in
+the evening; but I will not swear to that. I am not the Herr Bablerr who
+compelled his daughter to marry a man she did not love, so that I might
+write an ode in celebration of the nuptials. I have no daughter. I am a
+poet.
+
+The foreman printer deposed to having had his attention called to the
+murder of the editor about three o'clock. He was very busy at the time.
+About an hour afterward he saw the body and put a placard over it. He
+spoke of the matter to the assistant editor, who suggested that they had
+better call in the police. That was done.
+
+A clerk in the counting-house says: I distinctly remember the afternoon
+of the murder. I can recall it without difficulty, as it was on the
+following evening that I went to the theatre--a rare occurrence with me.
+I was running up the stairs when I met a man coming down. I recognized
+the prisoner as that man. He said, "I have killed your editor." I
+replied, "Then you ought to be ashamed of yourself." We had no further
+conversation.
+
+J. O'Leary is next called. He says: I am an Irishman by birth. I had
+to fly my country when an iniquitous Coercion Act was put in force.
+At present I am a journalist, and I write Fenian letters for the _St.
+Johns Gazette_. I remember the afternoon of the murder. It was the
+sub-editor who told me of it. He asked me if I would write a "par" on
+the subject for the fourth edition. I did so; but as I was in a hurry
+to catch a train it was only a few lines. We did him fuller justice
+next day.
+
+Cross-examined: Witness denies that he felt any elation on hearing that
+a new topic had been supplied for writing on. He was sorry rather.
+
+A policeman gives evidence that about half-past four on Jubilee Day he
+saw a small crowd gather round the entrance to the offices of the _St.
+John's Gazette_. He thought it his duty to inquire into the matter.
+He went inside and asked an office-boy what was up. The boy said he
+thought the editor had been murdered, but advised him to inquire
+upstairs. He did so, and the boy's assertion was confirmed. He came down
+again and told the crowd that it was the editor who had been killed. The
+crowd then dispersed.
+
+A detective from Scotland Yard explains the method of the prisoner's
+capture. Moggridge wrote to the superintendent saying that he would be
+passing Scotland Yard on the following Wednesday on business. Three
+detectives, including witness, were told off to arrest him, and they
+succeeded in doing so. (Loud and prolonged applause.)
+
+The judge interposes here. He fails, he says, to see that this evidence
+is relevant. So far as he can see, the question is not whether a murder
+has been committed, but whether, under the circumstances, it is a
+criminal offence. The prisoner should never have been tried here at all.
+It was a case for the petty sessions. If the counsel cannot give some
+weighty reason for proceeding with further evidence, he will now put it
+to the jury.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+After a few remarks from the counsel for the prosecution and the
+counsel for the defence, who calls attention to the prisoner's high and
+unblemished character, the judge sums up. It is for the jury, he says,
+to decide whether the prisoner has committed a criminal offence. That
+was the point; and in deciding it the jury should bear in mind the
+desirability of suppressing merely vexatious cases. People should not
+go to law over trifles. Still, the jury must remember that, without
+exception, all human life was sacred. After some further remarks from
+the judge, the jury (who deliberate for rather more than three-quarters
+of an hour) return a verdict of guilty. The prisoner is sentenced to a
+fine of five florins, or three days' imprisonment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+GILRAY'S DREAM.
+
+
+Conceive me (said Gilray, with glowing face) invited to write a
+criticism of the Critics' Dramatic Society for the _Standard_.
+I select the _Standard_, because that paper has treated me most
+cruelly. However, I loathe them all. My dream is the following
+criticism:
+
+What is the Critics' Dramatic Society? We found out on Wednesday
+afternoon, and, as we went to Drury Lane in the interests of the public,
+it is only fair that the public should know too. Besides, in that case
+we can all bear it together. Be it known, then, that this Dramatic
+Society is composed of "critics" who gave "The School for Scandal" at
+a matinee on Wednesday just to show how the piece should be played.
+Mr. Augustus Harris had "kindly put the theatre at their disposal,"
+for which he will have to answer when he joins Sheridan in the Elysian
+Fields. As the performance was by far the worst ever perpetrated, it
+would be a shame to deprive the twentieth century of the programme. Some
+of the players, as will be seen, are too well known to escape obloquy.
+The others may yet be able to sink into oblivion.
+
+
+  Sir Peter Teazle                  MR. JOHN RUSKIN.
+  Joseph Surface                   MR. W. E. HENLEY.
+  Charles Surface              MR. HARRY LABOUCHERE.
+  Crabtree                            MR. W. ARCHER.
+  Sir Benjamin Backbite           MR. CLEMENT SCOTT.
+  Moses                           MR. WALTER SICHEL.
+  Old Rowley                      MR. JOSEPH KNIGHT.
+  Sir Oliver                      MR. W.H. POLLOCK.
+  Trip                               MR. G. A. SALA.
+  Snake                              MR. MOY THOMAS.
+  Sir Harry Bumper (with song)     MR. GEORGE MOORE.
+  Servants, Guests, etc.     MESSRS. SAVILLE CLARKE,
+         JOSEPH HATTON, PERCY FITZGERALD, etc.
+
+                     Assisted by
+
+  Lady Teazle                    MISS ROSIE LE DENE.
+  Mrs. Candour                 MISS JENNY MONTALBAN.
+  Lady Sneerwell               MISS ROSALIND LABELLE
+                      (The Hon. Mrs. Major TURNLEY).
+  Maria                                  MISS JONES.
+
+
+It was a sin of omission on the part of the Critics' Dramatic Society
+not to state that the piece played was "a new and original comedy"
+in many acts. Had they had the courage to do this, and to change the
+title, no one would even have known. On the other hand, it was a sin
+of commission to allow that Professor Henry Morley was responsible
+for the stage management; Mr. Morley being a man of letters whom some
+worthy people respect. But perhaps sins of omission and commission
+counterbalance. The audience was put in a bad humor before the
+performance began, owing to the curtain's rising fifteen minutes late.
+However, once the curtain did rise, it was an unconscionable time in
+falling. What is known as the "business" of the first act, including the
+caterwauling of Sir Benjamin Backbite and Crabtree in their revolutions
+round Joseph, was gone through with a deliberation that was cruelty
+to the audience, and just when the act seemed over at last these
+indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet. A sigh ran round the
+theatre at this--a sigh as full of suffering as when a minister, having
+finished his thirdly and lastly, starts off again, with, "I cannot allow
+this opportunity to pass." Possibly the Critics' Dramatic Society are
+congratulating themselves on the undeniable fact that the sighs and
+hisses grew beautifully less as the performance proceeded. But that was
+because the audience diminished too. One man cannot be expected to sigh
+like twenty; though, indeed, some of the audience of Wednesday sighed
+like at least half a dozen.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+If it be true that all men--even critics--have their redeeming points
+and failings, then was there no Charles and no Joseph Surface at this
+unique matinee. For the ungainly gentleman who essayed the part of
+Charles made, or rather meant to make, him spotless; and Mr. Henley's
+Joseph was twin-brother to Mr. Irving's Mephistopheles. Perhaps the idea
+of Mr. Labouchere and his friend, Mr. Henley, was that they would make
+one young man between them. They found it hard work. Mr. Labouchere
+has yet to learn that buffoonery is not exactly wit, and that Charles
+Surfaces who dig their uncle Olivers in the ribs, and then turn to the
+audience for applause, are among the things that the nineteenth century
+can do without. According to the programme, Mr. George Moore--the Sir
+Harry Bumper--was to sing the song, "Here's to the Maiden of Bashful
+Fifteen." Mr. Moore did not sing it, but Mr. Labouchere did. The
+explanation of this, we understand, was not that Sir Harry's heart
+failed him at the eleventh hour, but that Mr. Labouchere threatened to
+fling up his part unless the song was given to him. However, Mr. Moore
+heard Mr. Labouchere singing the song, and that was revenge enough for
+any man. To Mr. Henley the part of Joseph evidently presented no serious
+difficulties. In his opinion, Joseph is a whining hypocrite who rolls
+his eyes when he wishes to look natural. Obviously he is a slavish
+admirer of Mr. Irving. If Joseph had taken his snuff as this one does,
+Lady Sneerwell would have sent him to the kitchen. If he had made love
+to Lady Teazle as this one does, she would have suspected him of weak
+intellect. Sheridan's Joseph was a man of culture: Mr. Henley's is a
+buffoon. It is not, perhaps, so much this gentleman's fault as his
+misfortune that his acting is without either art or craft; but then he
+was not compelled to play Joseph Surface. Indeed, we may go further, and
+say that if he is a man with friends he must have been dissuaded from
+it. The Sir Peter Teazle of Mr. Ruskin reminded us of other Sir Peter
+Teazles--probably because Sir Peter is played nowadays with his
+courtliness omitted.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. William Archer was the Crabtree, or rather Mr. Archer and the
+prompter between them. Until we caught sight of the prompter we had
+credited Mr. Archer with being a ventriloquist given to casting his
+voice to the wings. Mr. Clement Scott--their Benjamin Backbite--was a
+ventriloquist too, but not in such a large way as Mr. Archer. His voice,
+so far as we could make out from an occasional rumble, was in his boots,
+where his courage kept it company. There was no more ambitious actor
+in the cast than Mr. Pollock. Mr. Pollock was Sir Oliver, and he gave
+a highly original reading of that old gentleman. What Mr. Pollock's
+private opinion of the character of Sir Oliver may be we cannot say; it
+would be worth an interviewer's while to find out. But if he thinks Sir
+Oliver was a windmill, we can inform him at once that he is mistaken. Of
+Mr. Sichel's Moses all that occurs to us to say is that when he let his
+left arm hang down and raised the other aloft, he looked very like a
+tea-pot. Mr. Joseph Knight was Old Rowley. In that character all we saw
+of him was his back; and we are bound to admit that it was unexceptional.
+Sheridan calls one of his servants Snake, and the other Trip. Mr. Moy
+Thomas tried to look as like a snake as he could, and with some success.
+The Trip of Mr. Sala, however, was a little heavy, and when he came
+between the audience and the other actors there was a temporary eclipse.
+As for the minor parts, the gentlemen who personated them gave a capital
+rendering of supers suffering from stage-fever. Wednesday is memorable
+in the history of the stage, but we would forget it if we could.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXIX.
+
+PETTIGREW'S DREAM.
+
+
+My dream (said Pettigrew) contrasts sadly with those of my young
+friends. They dream of revenge, but my dream is tragic. I see my editor
+writing my obituary notice. This is how it reads:
+
+Mr. Pettigrew, M.A., whose sad death is recorded in another column, was
+in his forty-second year (not his forty-fourth, as stated in the evening
+papers), and had done a good deal of Jubilee work before he accepted the
+commission that led to his death. It is an open secret that he wrote
+seventy of the Jubilee sketches which have appeared in this paper. The
+pamphlet now selling in the streets for a penny, entitled "Jubilees of
+the Past," was his. He wrote the introductory chapter to "Fifty Years of
+Progress," and his "Jubilee Statesmen" is now in a second edition. The
+idea of a collection of Jubilee odes was not his, but the publisher's.
+At the same time, his friends and relatives attach no blame to them. Mr.
+Pettigrew shivered when the order was given to him, but he accepted it,
+and the general impression among those who knew him was that a man who
+had survived "Jubilee Statesmen" could do anything. As it turns out, we
+had overestimated Mr. Pettigrew's powers of endurance.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As "The Jubilee Odes" will doubtless yet be collected by another hand,
+little need be said here of the work. Mr. Pettigrew was to make his
+collection as complete as the limited space at his disposal (two
+volumes) would allow; the only original writing in the book being a
+sketch of the various schemes suggested for the celebration of the
+Jubilee. It was this sketch that killed him. On the morning of the 27th,
+when he intended beginning it, he rose at an unusually early hour,
+and was seen from the windows of the house pacing the garden in an
+apparently agitated state of mind. He ate no breakfast. One of his
+daughters states that she noticed a wild look in his eyes during the
+morning meal; but, as she did not remark on it at the time, much stress
+need not be laid on this. The others say that he was unusually quiet and
+silent. All, however, noticed one thing. Generally, when he had literary
+work to do, he was anxious to begin upon his labors, and spent little
+time at the breakfast-table. On this occasion he sat on. Even after the
+breakfast things were removed he seemed reluctant to adjourn to the
+study. His wife asked him several times if he meant to begin "The
+Jubilee Odes" that day, and he always replied in the affirmative. But
+he talked nervously of other things; and, to her surprise--though she
+thought comparatively little of it at the time--drew her on to a
+discussion on summer bonnets. As a rule, this was a subject which he
+shunned. At last he rose, and, going slowly to the window, looked out
+for a quarter of an hour. His wife asked him again about "The Jubilee
+Odes," and he replied that he meant to begin directly. Then he went
+round the morning-room, looking at the pictures on the walls as if for
+the first time. After that he leaned for a little while against the
+mantelpiece, and then, as if an idea had struck him, began to wind up
+the clock. He went through the house winding up the clocks, though this
+duty was usually left to a servant; and when that was over he came back
+to the breakfast-room and talked about Waterbury watches. His wife had
+to go to the kitchen, and he followed her. On their way back they passed
+the nursery, and he said he thought he would go in and talk to the
+nurse. This was very unlike him. At last his wife said that it would
+soon be luncheon-time, and then he went to the study. Some ten minutes
+afterward he wandered into the dining-room, where she was arranging some
+flowers. He seemed taken aback at seeing her, but said, after a moment's
+thought, that the study door was locked and he could not find the key.
+This astonished her, as she had dusted the room herself that morning.
+She went to see, and found the study door standing open. When she
+returned to the dining-room he had disappeared. They searched for him
+everywhere, and eventually discovered him in the drawing-room, turning
+over a photograph album. He then went back to the study. His wife
+accompanied him, and, as was her custom, filled his pipe for him. He
+smoked a mixture to which he was passionately attached. He lighted his
+pipe several times, but it always went out. His wife put a new nib into
+his pen, placed some writing material on the table, and then retired,
+shutting the door behind her.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+About half an hour afterward Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to
+the study on a trifling errand. As he did not return she followed him.
+She found him sitting on his father's knee, where she did not remember
+ever having seen him before. Mr. Pettigrew was holding his watch to
+the boy's ears. The study table was littered with several hundreds of
+Jubilee odes. Other odes had slipped to the floor. Mrs. Pettigrew asked
+how he was getting on, and her unhappy husband replied that he was just
+going to begin. His hands were trembling, and he had given up trying to
+smoke. He sought to detain her by talking about the boy's curls; but she
+went away, taking the child with her. As she closed the door he groaned
+heavily, and she reopened it to ask if he felt unwell. He answered in
+the negative, and she left him. The last person to see Mr. Pettigrew
+alive was Eliza Day, the housemaid. She took a letter to him between
+twelve and one o'clock. Usually he disliked being disturbed at his
+writing; but this time, in answer to her knock, he cried eagerly, "Come
+in!" When she entered he insisted on her taking a chair, and asked her
+how all her people were, and if there was anything he could do for them.
+Several times she rose to leave, but he would not allow her to do so.
+Eliza mentioned this in the kitchen when she returned to it. Her master
+was naturally a reserved man who seldom spoke to his servants, which
+rendered his behavior on this occasion the more remarkable.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As announced in the evening papers yesterday, the servant sent to
+the study at half-past one to see why Mr. Pettigrew was not coming to
+lunch, found him lifeless on the floor. The knife clutched in his hand
+showed that he had done the fatal deed himself; and Dr. Southwick,
+of Hyde Park, who was on the spot within ten minutes of the painful
+discovery, is of opinion that life had been extinct for about half an
+hour. The body was lying among Jubilee odes. On the table were a dozen
+or more sheets of "copy," which, though only spoiled pages, showed that
+the deceased had not succumbed without a struggle. On one he had begun,
+"Fifty years have come and gone since a fair English maiden ascended the
+throne of England." Another stopped short at, "To every loyal Englishman
+the Jubil----" A third sheet commenced with, "Though there have been a
+number of royal Jubilees in the history of the world, probably none has
+awakened the same interest as----" and a fourth began, "1887 will be
+known to all future ages as the year of Jub----" One sheet bore the
+sentence, "Heaven help me!" and it is believed that these were the last
+words the deceased ever penned.
+
+Mr. Pettigrew was a most estimable man in private life, and will be
+greatly missed in the circles to which he had endeared himself. He
+leaves a widow and a small family. It may be worth adding that when
+discovered dead, there was a smile upon his face, as if he had at last
+found peace. He must have suffered great agony that forenoon, and his
+death is best looked upon as a happy release.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Marriot, Scrymgeour and I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew,
+because he alone of the competitors seemed to believe that his dream
+might be realized.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER XXX.
+
+THE MURDER IN THE INN.
+
+
+Sometimes I think it is all a dream, and that I did not really murder
+the waits. Perhaps they are living still. Yet the scene is very vivid
+before me, though the affair took place--if it ever did take place--so
+long ago that I cannot be expected to remember the details. The time
+when I must give up smoking was drawing near, so that I may have been
+unusually irritable, and determined, whatever the cost, to smoke my last
+pound-tin of the Arcadia in peace. I think my brier was in my mouth when
+I did it, but after the lapse of months I cannot say whether there were
+three of them or only two. So far as I can remember, I took the man with
+the beard first.
+
+The incident would have made more impression on me had there been any
+talk about it. So far as I could discover, it never got into the papers.
+The porters did not seem to think it any affair of theirs, though one of
+them must have guessed why I invited the waits upstairs. He saw me open
+the door to them; he was aware that this was their third visit in a
+week; and only the night before he had heard me shout a warning to them
+from my inn window. But of course the porters must allow themselves a
+certain discretion in the performance of their duties. Then there was
+the pleasant gentleman of the next door but two, who ran against me
+just as I was toppling the second body over the railing. We were not
+acquainted, but I knew him as the man who had flung a water-jug at the
+waits the night before. He stopped short when he saw the body (it had
+rolled out of the sofa-rug), and looked at me suspiciously. "He is one
+of the waits," I said. "I beg your pardon," he replied, "I did not
+understand." When he had passed a few yards he turned round. "Better
+cover him up," he said; "our people will talk." Then he strolled away,
+an air from "The Grand Duchess" lightly trolling from his lips. We
+still meet occasionally, and nod if no one is looking.
+
+I am going too fast, however. What I meant to say was that the murder
+was premeditated. In the case of a reprehensible murder I know this
+would be considered an aggravation of the offence. Of course, it is
+an open question whether all the murders are not reprehensible; but
+let that pass. To my own mind I should have been indeed deserving of
+punishment had I rushed out and slain the waits in a moment of fury. If
+one were to give way to his passion every time he is interrupted in his
+work or his sleep by bawlers our thoroughfares would soon be choked with
+the dead. No one values human life or understands its sacredness more
+than I do. I merely say that there may be times when a man, having stood
+a great deal and thought it over calmly, is justified in taking the law
+into his own hands--always supposing he can do it decently, quietly, and
+without scandal. The epidemic of waits broke out early in December, and
+every other night or so these torments came in the still hours and burst
+into song beneath my windows. They made me nervous. I was more wretched
+on the nights they did not come than on the nights they came; for I had
+begun to listen for them, and was never sure they had gone into another
+locality before four o'clock in the morning. As for their songs, they
+were more like music-hall ditties than Christmas carols. So one
+morning--it was, I think, the 23d of December--I warned them fairly,
+fully, and with particulars, of what would happen if they disturbed me
+again. Having given them this warning, can it be said that I was to
+blame--at least, to any considerable extent?
+
+Christmas eve had worn into Christmas morning before the waits arrived
+on that fateful occasion. I opened the window--if my memory does not
+deceive me--at once, and looked down at them. I could not swear to their
+being the persons whom I had warned the night before. Perhaps I should
+have made sure of this. But in any case these were practised waits.
+Their whine rushed in at my open window with a vigor that proved them no
+tyros. Besides, the night was a cold one, and I could not linger at an
+open casement. I nodded pleasantly to the waits and pointed to my door.
+Then I ran downstairs and let them in. They came up to my chambers with
+me. As I have said, the lapse of time prevents my remembering how many
+of them there were; three, I fancy. At all events, I took them into my
+bedroom and strangled them one by one. They went off quite peaceably;
+the only difficulty was in the disposal of the bodies. I thought of
+laying them on the curb-stone in different passages; but I was afraid
+the police might not see that they were waits, in which case I might be
+put to inconvenience. So I took a spade and dug two (or three) large
+holes in the quadrangle of the inn. Then I carried the bodies to the
+place in my rug, one at a time, shoved them in, and covered them up.
+A close observer might have noticed in that part of the quadrangle, for
+some time after, a small mound, such as might be made by an elbow under
+the bed-clothes. Nobody, however, seems to have descried it, and yet
+I see it often even now in my dreams.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI.
+
+THE PERILS OF NOT SMOKING.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When the Arcadians heard that I had signed an agreement to give up
+smoking they were first incredulous, then sarcastic, then angry. Instead
+of coming, as usual, to my room, they went one night in a body to
+Pettigrew's, and there, as I afterward discovered, a scheme for "saving
+me" was drawn up. So little did they understand the firmness of my
+character, that they thought I had weakly yielded to the threats of
+the lady referred to in my first chapter, when, of course, I had only
+yielded to her arguments, and they agreed to make an appeal on my behalf
+to her. Pettigrew, as a married man himself, was appointed intercessor,
+and I understand that the others not only accompanied him to her door,
+but waited in an alley until he came out. I never knew whether the
+reasoning brought to bear on the lady was of Pettigrew's devising, or
+suggested by Jimmy and the others, but it was certainly unselfish of
+Pettigrew to lie so freely on my account. At the time, however, the
+plot enraged me, for the lady conceived the absurd idea that I had sent
+Pettigrew to her. Undoubtedly it was a bold stroke. Pettigrew's scheme
+was to play upon his hostess's attachment for me by hinting to her that
+if I gave up smoking I would probably die. Finding her attentive rather
+than talkative, he soon dared to assure her that he himself loathed
+tobacco and only took it for his health.
+
+"By the doctor's orders, mark you," he said, impressively; "Dr.
+Southwick, of Hyde Park."
+
+She expressed polite surprise at this, and then Pettigrew, believing he
+had made an impression, told his story as concocted.
+
+"My own case," he said, "is one much in point. I suffered lately from
+sore throat, accompanied by depression of spirits and loss of appetite.
+The ailment was so unusual with me that I thought it prudent to put
+myself in Dr. Southwick's hands. As far as possible I shall give you his
+exact words:
+
+"'When did you give up smoking?' he asked, abruptly, after examining my
+throat.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"'Three months ago,' I replied, taken by surprise; 'but how did you know
+I had given it up?'
+
+"'Never mind how I know,' he said, severely; 'I told you that, however
+much you might desire to do so, you were not to take to not smoking.
+This is how you carry out my directions.'
+
+"'Well,' I answered sulkily, 'I have been feeling so healthy for the
+last two years that I thought I could indulge myself a little. You are
+aware how I abominate tobacco.'
+
+"'Quite so,' he said, 'and now you see the result of this miserable
+self-indulgence. Two years ago I prescribed tobacco for you, to be taken
+three times a day, and you yourself admit that it made a new man of you.
+Instead of feeling thankful you complain of the brief unpleasantness
+that accompanies its consumption, and now, in the teeth of my
+instructions, you give it up. I must say the ways of patients are a
+constant marvel to me.'
+
+"'But how,' I asked, 'do you know that my reverting to the pleasant
+habit of not smoking is the cause of my present ailment?'
+
+"'Oh!' he said, 'you are not sure of that yourself, are you?'
+
+"'I thought,' I replied, 'there might be a doubt about it; though of
+course I have forgotten what you told me two years ago.'
+
+"'It matters very little,' he said, 'whether you remember what I tell
+you if you do not follow my orders. But as for knowing that indulgence
+in not smoking is what has brought you to this state, how long is it
+since you noticed these symptoms?'
+
+"'I can hardly say,' I answered. 'Still, I should be able to think back.
+I had my first sore throat this year the night I saw Mr. Irving at the
+Lyceum, and that was on my wife's birthday, the 3d of October. How long
+ago is that?'
+
+"'Why, that is more than three months ago. Are you sure of the date?'"
+
+"'Quite certain,' I told him; 'so, you see, I had my first sore throat
+before I risked not smoking again.'"
+
+"'I don't understand this,' he said. 'Do you mean to say that in the
+beginning of May you were taking my prescription daily? You were not
+missing a day now and then--forgetting to order a new stock of cigars
+when the others were done, or flinging them away before they were half
+smoked? Patients do such things.'
+
+"'No, I assure you I compelled myself to smoke. At least----'
+
+"'At least what? Come, now, if I am to be of any service to you, there
+must be no reserve.'
+
+"'Well, now that I think of it, I was only smoking one cigar a day at
+that time.'
+
+"'Ah! we have it now,' he cried. 'One cigar a day, when I ordered you
+three? I might have guessed as much. When I tell non-smokers that they
+must smoke or I will not be answerable for the consequences, they
+entreat me to let them break themselves of the habit of not smoking
+gradually. One cigarette a day to begin with, they beg of me, promising
+to increase the dose by degrees. Why, man, one cigarette a day is
+poison; it is worse than not smoking.'
+
+"'But that is not what I did.'
+
+"'The idea is the same,' he said. 'Like the others, you make all this
+moan about giving up completely a habit you should never have acquired.
+For my own part, I cannot even understand where the subtle delights of
+not smoking come in. Compared with health, they are surely immaterial.'
+
+"'Of course, I admit that.'
+
+"'Then, if you admit it, why pamper yourself?'
+
+"'I suppose because one is weak in matters of habit. You have many cases
+like mine?'
+
+"'I have such cases every week,' he told me; 'indeed, it was having so
+many cases of the kind that made me a specialist in the subject. When
+I began practice I had not the least notion how common the non-tobacco
+throat, as I call it, is.'
+
+"'But the disease has been known, has it not, for a long time?'
+
+"'Yes,' he said;' but the cause has only been discovered recently.
+I could explain the malady to you scientifically, as many medical men
+would prefer to do, but you are better to have it in plain English.'
+
+"'Certainly; but I should like to know whether the symptoms in other
+cases have been in every way similar to mine.'
+
+"'They have doubtless differed in degree, but not otherwise,' he
+answered. 'For instance, you say your sore throat is accompanied by
+depression of spirits.'
+
+"'Yes; indeed, the depression sometimes precedes the sore throat.'
+
+"'Exactly. I presume, too, that you feel most depressed in the
+evening--say, immediately after dinner?'
+
+"'That is certainly the time I experience the depression most.'
+
+"'The result,' he said, 'if I may venture on somewhat delicate matters,
+is that your depression of spirits infects your wife and family, even
+your servants?'
+
+"'That is quite true,' I answered. 'Our home has by no means been so
+happy as formerly. When a man is out of spirits, I suppose, he tends to
+be brusque and undemonstrative to his wife, and to be easily irritated
+by his children. Certainly that has been the case with me of late.'
+
+"'Yes,' he exclaimed, 'and all because you have not carried out my
+directions. Men ought to see that they have no right to indulge in not
+smoking, if only for the sake of their wives and families. A bachelor
+has more excuse, perhaps; but think of the example you set your children
+in not making an effort to shake this self-indulgence off. In short,
+smoke for the sake of your wife and family, if you won't smoke for the
+sake of your health.'"
+
+I think this is pretty nearly the whole of Pettigrew's story, but I may
+add that he left the house in depression of spirits, and then infected
+Jimmy and the others with the same ailment, so that they should all have
+hurried in a cab to the house of Dr. Southwick.
+
+"Honestly," Pettigrew said, "I don't think she believed a word I told
+her."
+
+"If she had only been a man," Marriot sighed, "we could have got round
+her."
+
+"How?" asked Pettigrew.
+
+"Why, of course," said Marriot, "we could have sent her a tin of the
+Arcadia."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII.
+
+MY LAST PIPE.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The night of my last smoke drew near without any demonstration on my
+part or on that of my friends. I noticed that none of them was now
+comfortable if left alone with me, and I knew, I cannot tell how, that
+though they had too much delicacy to refer in my presence to my coming
+happiness, they often talked of it among themselves. They smoked hard
+and looked covertly at me, and had an idea that they were helping me.
+They also addressed me in a low voice, and took their seats noiselessly,
+as if some one were ill in the next room.
+
+"We have a notion," Scrymgeour said, with an effort, on my second night,
+"that you would rather we did not feast you to-morrow evening?"
+
+"Oh, I want nothing of that kind," I said.
+
+"So I fancied," Jimmy broke in. "Those things are rather a mockery, but
+of course if you thought it would help you in any way----"
+
+"Or if there is anything else we could do for you," interposed Gilray,
+"you have only to mention it."
+
+Though they irritated rather than soothed me, I was touched by their
+kindly intentions, for at one time I feared my friends would be
+sarcastic. The next night was my last, and I found that they had been
+looking forward to it with genuine pain. As will have been seen, their
+custom was to wander into my room one by one, but this time they came
+together. They had met in the boudoir, and came up the stair so quietly
+that I did not hear them. They all looked very subdued, and Marriot took
+the cane chair so softly that it did not creak. I noticed that after
+a furtive glance at me each of them looked at the centre-table, on
+which lay my brier, Romulus and Remus, three other pipes that all had
+their merits, though they never touched my heart until now, my clay
+tobacco-jar, and my old pouch. I had said good-by to these before my
+friends came in, and I could now speak with a comparatively firm voice.
+Marriot and Gilray and Scrymgeour signed to Jimmy, as if some plan of
+action had been arranged, and Jimmy said huskily, sitting upon the
+hearth-rug:
+
+"Pettigrew isn't coming. He was afraid he would break down."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Then we began to smoke. It was as yet too early in the night for my last
+pipe, but soon I regretted that I had not arranged to spend this night
+alone. Jimmy was the only one of the Arcadians who had been at school
+with me, and he was full of reminiscences which he addressed to the
+others just as if I were not present.
+
+"He was the life of the old school," Jimmy said, referring to me, "and
+when I shut my eyes I can hear his merry laugh as if we were both in
+knickerbockers still."
+
+"What sort of character did he have among the fellows?" Gilray
+whispered.
+
+"The very best. He was the soul of honor, and we all anticipated a great
+future for him. Even the masters loved him; indeed, I question if he had
+an enemy."
+
+"I remember my first meeting with him at the university," said Marriot,
+"and that I took to him at once. He was speaking at the debating society
+that night, and his enthusiasm quite carried me away."
+
+"And how we shall miss him here," said Scrymgeour, "and in my
+house-boat! I think I had better sell the house-boat. Do you remember
+his favorite seat at the door of the saloon?"
+
+"Do you know," said Marriot, looking a little scared, "I thought I would
+be the first of our lot to go. Often I have kept him up late in this
+very room talking of my own troubles, and little guessing why he
+sometimes treated them a little testily."
+
+So they talked, meaning very well, and by and by it struck one o'clock.
+A cold shiver passed through me, and Marriot jumped from his chair.
+It had been agreed that I should begin my last pipe at one precisely.
+Whatever my feelings were up to this point I had kept them out of my
+face, but I suppose a change came over me now. I tried to lift my brier
+from the table, but my hand shook and the pipe tapped, tapped on the
+deal like an auctioneer's hammer.
+
+"Let me fill it," Jimmy said, and he took my old brier from me. He
+scraped it energetically so that it might hold as much as possible,
+and then he filled it. Not one of them, I am glad to remember, proposed
+a cigar for my last smoke, or thought it possible that I would say
+farewell to tobacco through the medium of any other pipe than my brier.
+I liked my brier best. I have said this already, but I must say it
+again. Jimmy handed the brier to Gilray, who did not surrender it until
+it reached my mouth. Then Scrymgeour made a spill, and Marriot lighted
+it. In another moment I was smoking my last pipe. The others glanced at
+one another, hesitated, and put their pipes into their pockets.
+
+There was little talking, for they all gazed at me as if something
+astounding might happen at any moment. The clock had stopped, but the
+ventilator was clicking. Although Jimmy and the others saw only me, I
+tried not to see only them. I conjured up the face of a lady, and she
+smiled encouragingly, and then I felt safer. But at times her face was
+lost in smoke, or suddenly it was Marriot's face, eager, doleful, wistful.
+
+At first I puffed vigorously and wastefully, then I became scientific
+and sent out rings of smoke so strong and numerous that half a dozen
+of them were in the air at a time. In past days I had often followed
+a ring over the table, across chairs, and nearly out at the window, but
+that was when I blew one by accident and was loath to let it go. Now
+I distributed them among my friends, who let them slip away into the
+looking-glass. I think I had almost forgotten what I was doing and where
+I was when an awful thing happened. My pipe went out!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"There are remnants in it yet," Jimmy cried, with forced cheerfulness,
+while Gilray blew the ashes off my sleeve, Marriot slipped a cushion
+behind my back, and Scrymgeour made another spill. Again I smoked, but
+no longer recklessly.
+
+It is revealing no secret to say that a drowning man sees his whole past
+unfurl before him like a panorama. So little, however, was I, now on the
+eve of a great happiness, like a drowning man, that nothing whatever
+passed before me. I lost sight even of my friends, and though Jimmy
+was on his knees at my feet, his hand clasping mine, he disappeared as
+if his open mouth had swallowed the rest of his face. I had only one
+thought--that I was smoking my last pipe. Unconsciously I crossed my
+legs, and one of my slippers fell off; Jimmy, I think, slipped it on
+to my foot. Marriot stood over me, gazing into the bowl of my pipe, but
+I did not see him.
+
+Now I was puffing tremendously, but no smoke came. The room returned to
+me, I saw Jimmy clearly, I felt Marriot overhead, and I heard them all
+whispering. Still I puffed; I knew that my pipe was empty, but still I
+puffed. Gilray's fingers tried to draw my brier from my mouth, but I bit
+into it with my teeth, and still I puffed.
+
+When I came to I was alone. I had a dim consciousness of having been
+shaken by several hands, of a voice that I think was Scrymgeour's saying
+that he would often write to me--though my new home was to be within the
+four-mile radius--and of another voice that I think was Jimmy's, telling
+Marriot not to let me see him breaking down. But though I had ceased to
+puff, my brier was still in my mouth; and, indeed, I found it there
+when William John shook me into life next morning.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+My parting with William John was almost sadder than the scene of the
+previous night. I rang for him when I had tied up all my treasures in
+brown paper, and I told him to give the tobacco-jar to Jimmy, Romulus to
+Marriot, Remus to Gilray, and the pouch to Scrymgeour. William John bore
+up till I came to the pouch, when he fairly blubbered. I had to hurry
+into my bedroom, but I mean to do something yet for William John. Not
+even Scrymgeour knew so well as he what my pouch had been to me, and
+till I die I shall always regret that I did not give it to William John.
+I kept my brier.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII.
+
+WHEN MY WIFE IS ASLEEP AND ALL THE HOUSE IS STILL.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Perhaps the heading of this paper will deceive some readers into
+thinking that I smoke nowadays in camera. It is, I know, a common jest
+among smokers that such a promise as mine is seldom kept, and I allow
+that the Arcadians tempt me still. But never shall it be said of me with
+truth that I have broken my word. I smoke no more, and, indeed, though
+the scenes of my bachelorhood frequently rise before me in dreams,
+painted as Scrymgeour could not paint them, I am glad, when I wake up,
+that they are only dreams. Those selfish days are done, and I see that
+though they were happy days, the happiness was a mistake. As for the
+struggle that is supposed to take place between a man and tobacco, after
+he sees smoking in its true colors, I never experienced it. I have not
+even any craving for the Arcadia now, though it is a tobacco that should
+only be smoked by our greatest men. Were we to present a tin of it to
+our national heroes, instead of the freedom of the city, they would
+probably thank us more. Jimmy and the others are quite unworthy to smoke
+it; indeed, if I had my way they would give up smoking altogether.
+Nothing, perhaps, shows more completely how I have severed my bonds than
+this: that my wife is willing to let our friends smoke in the study, but
+I will not hear of it. There shall be no smoking in my house; and I have
+determined to speak to Jimmy about smoking out at our spare bedroom
+window. It is a mere contemptible pretence to say that none of the smoke
+comes back into the room. The curtains positively reek of it, and we
+must have them washed at once. I shall speak plainly to Jimmy because I
+want him to tell the others. They must understand clearly on what terms
+they are received in this house, and if they prefer making chimneys of
+themselves to listening to music, by all means let them stay at home.
+
+But when my wife is asleep and all the house is still, I listen to the
+man through the wall. At such times I have my brier in my mouth, but
+there is no harm in that, for it is empty. I did not like to give away
+my brier, knowing no one who understood it, and I always carry it about
+with me now to remind me of my dark past. When the man through the wall
+lights up I put my cold pipe in my mouth and we have a quiet hour
+together.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I have never, to my knowledge, seen the man through the wall, for his
+door is round the corner, and, besides, I have no interest in him until
+half-past eleven P.M. We begin then. I know him chiefly by his pipes,
+and them I know by his taps on the wall as he knocks the ashes out of
+them. He does not smoke the Arcadia, for his temper is hasty, and he
+breaks the coals with his foot. Though I am compelled to say that I do
+not consider his character very lovable, he has his good points, and I
+like his attachment to his brier. He scrapes it, on the whole, a little
+roughly, but that is because he is so anxious to light up again, and I
+discovered long ago that he has signed an agreement with his wife to go
+to bed at half-past twelve. For some time I could not understand why
+he had a silver rim put on the bowl. I noticed the change in the tap
+at once, and the natural conclusion would have been that the bowl had
+cracked. But it never had the tap of a cracked bowl. I was reluctant
+to believe that the man through the wall was merely some vulgar fellow,
+and I felt that he could not be so, or else he would have smoked his
+meerschaum more. At last I understood. The bowl had worn away on one
+side, and the silver rim had been needed to keep the tobacco in.
+Undoubtedly this was the explanation, for even before the rim came I was
+a little puzzled by the taps of the brier. He never seemed to hit the
+wall with the whole mouth of the bowl, but of course the reason was that
+he could not. At the same time I do not exonerate him from blame. He is
+a clumsy smoker to burn his bowl at one side, and I am afraid he lets
+the stem slip round in his teeth. Of course, I see that the mouth-piece
+is loose, but a piece of blotting-paper would remedy that.
+
+His meerschaum is not such a good one as Jimmy's. Though Jimmy's
+boastfulness about his meerschaum was hard to bear, none of us ever
+denied the pipe's worth. The man through the wall has not a cherry-wood
+stem to his meerschaum, and consequently it is too light. A ring has
+been worn into the palm of his left hand, owing to his tapping the
+meerschaum there, and it is as marked as Jimmy's ring, for, though Jimmy
+tapped more strongly, the man through the wall has to tap oftener.
+
+What I chiefly dislike about the man through the wall is his treatment
+of his clay. A clay, I need scarcely say, has an entirely different tap
+from a meerschaum, but the man through the wall does not treat these two
+pipes as if they were on an equality. He ought to tap his clay on the
+palm of his hand, but he seldom does so, and I am strongly of opinion
+that when he does, it is only because he has forgotten that this is not
+the meerschaum. Were he to tap the clay on the walls or on the ribs of
+the fireplace he would smash it, so he taps it on a coal. About this
+there is something contemptible. I am not complaining because he has
+little affection for his clay. In face of all that has been said in
+honor of clays, and knowing that this statement will occasion an outcry
+against me, I admit that I never cared for clays myself. A rank tobacco
+is less rank through a church-warden, but to smoke the Arcadia through a
+clay is to incur my contempt, and even my resentment. But to disbelieve
+in clays is one thing and to treat them badly is another. If the man
+through the wall has decided, after reflection and experiment, that his
+clay is a mistake, I say let him smoke it no more; but so long as he
+does smoke it I would have it receive consideration from him. I very
+much question whether, if he reads his heart, he could learn from
+it that he loves his meerschaum more than his clay, yet because the
+meerschaum cost more he taps it on his palm. This is a serious charge
+to bring against any man, but I do not make it lightly.
+
+The man through the wall smokes each of these three pipes nightly,
+beginning with the brier. Thus he does not like a hot pipe. Some will
+hold that he ought to finish with the brier, as it is his favorite, but
+I am not of that opinion. Undoubtedly, I think, the first pipe is the
+sweetest; indeed, I feel bound to make a statement here. I have an
+uneasy feeling that I never did justice to meerschaums, and for this
+reason: I only smoked them after my brier was hot, so that I never gave
+them a fair chance. If I had begun the day with a meerschaum, might it
+not have shown itself in a new light? That is a point I shall never be
+able to decide now, but I often think of it, and I leave the verdict
+to others.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Even though I did not know that the man through the wall must retire at
+half-past twelve, his taps at that hour would announce it. He then gives
+each of his pipes a final tap, not briskly as before, but slowly, as if
+he was thinking between each tap. I have sometimes decided to send him a
+tin of the only tobacco to smoke, but on the whole I could not undertake
+the responsibility of giving a man whom I have only studied for a few
+months such a testimonial. Therefore when his last tap says good-night
+to me, I take my cold brier out of my mouth, tap it on the mantelpiece,
+smile sadly, and go to bed.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of My Lady Nicotine, by J. M. Barrie
+
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