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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/1890-h.zip b/1890-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..81b8131 --- /dev/null +++ b/1890-h.zip diff --git a/1890-h/1890-h.htm b/1890-h/1890-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c82803d --- /dev/null +++ b/1890-h/1890-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1540 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + 'Speaking of Operations--', by Irvin S. Cobb + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of "Speaking of Operations--", by Irvin S. Cobb + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: "Speaking of Operations--" + +Author: Irvin S. Cobb + +Release Date: November 7, 2008 [EBook #1890] +Last Updated: January 9, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS--" *** + + + + +Produced by Kirk Pearson, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + "SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS—" + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + by Irvin S. Cobb + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + Respectfully dedicated to two classes: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Those who have already been operated on + Those who have not yet been operated on +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + Now that the last belated bill for services professionally rendered has + been properly paid and properly receipted; now that the memory of the + event, like the mark of the stitches, has faded out from a vivid red to a + becoming pink shade; now that I pass a display of adhesive tape in a + drug-store window without flinching—I sit me down to write a little + piece about a certain matter—a small thing, but mine own—to + wit, That Operation. + </p> + <p> + For years I have noticed that persons who underwent pruning or remodeling + at the hands of a duly qualified surgeon, and survived, like to talk about + it afterward. In the event of their not surviving I have no doubt they + still liked to talk about it, but in a different locality. Of all the + readily available topics for use, whether among friends or among + strangers, an operation seems to be the handiest and most dependable. It + beats the Tariff, or Roosevelt, or Bryan, or when this war is going to + end, if ever, if you are a man talking to other men; and it is more + exciting even than the question of how Mrs. Vernon Castle will wear her + hair this season, if you are a woman talking to other women. + </p> + <p> + For mixed companies a whale is one of the best and the easiest things to + talk about that I know of. In regard to whales and their peculiarities you + can make almost any assertion without fear of successful contradiction. + Nobody ever knows any more about them than you do. You are not hampered by + facts. If someone mentions the blubber of the whale and you chime in and + say it may be noticed for miles on a still day when the large but + emotional creature has been moved to tears by some great sorrow coming + into its life, everybody is bound to accept the statement. For after all + how few among us really know whether a distressed whale sobs aloud or does + so under its breath? Who, with any certainty, can tell whether a mother + whale hatches her own egg her own self or leaves it on the sheltered bosom + of a fjord to be incubated by the gentle warmth of the midnight sun? The + possibilities of the proposition for purposes of informal debate, pro and + con, are apparent at a glance. + </p> + <p> + The weather, of course, helps out amazingly when you are meeting people + for the first time, because there is nearly always more or less weather + going on somewhere and practically everybody has ideas about it. The human + breakfast is also a wonderfully good topic to start up during one of those + lulls. Try it yourself the next time the conversation seems to drag. Just + speak up in an offhand kind of way and say that you never care much about + breakfast—a slice of toast and a cup of weak tea start you off + properly for doing a hard day's work. You will be surprised to note how + things liven up and how eagerly all present join in. The lady on your left + feels that you should know she always takes two lumps of sugar and nearly + half cream, because she simply cannot abide hot milk, no matter what the + doctors say. The gentleman on your right will be moved to confess he likes + his eggs boiled for exactly three minutes, no more and no less. Buckwheat + cakes and sausage find a champion and oatmeal rarely lacks a warm + defender. + </p> + <p> + But after all, when all is said and done, the king of all topics is + operations. Sooner or later, wherever two or more are gathered together it + is reasonably certain that somebody will bring up an operation. + </p> + <p> + Until I passed through the experience of being operated on myself, I never + really realized what a precious conversational boon the subject is, and + how great a part it plays in our intercourse with our fellow beings on + this planet. To the teller it is enormously interesting, for he is not + only the hero of the tale but the rest of the cast and the stage setting + as well—the whole show, as they say; and if the listener has had a + similar experience—and who is there among us in these days that has + not taken a nap 'neath the shade of the old ether cone?—it acquires + a doubled value. + </p> + <p> + "Speaking of operations—" you say, just like that, even though + nobody present has spoken of them; and then you are off, with your new + acquaintance sitting on the edge of his chair, or hers as the case may be + and so frequently is, with hands clutched in polite but painful restraint, + gills working up and down with impatience, eyes brightened with desire, + tongue hung in the middle, waiting for you to pause to catch your breath, + so that he or she may break in with a few personal recollections along the + same line. From a mere conversation it resolves itself into a symptom + symposium, and a perfectly splendid time is had by all. + </p> + <p> + If an operation is such a good thing to talk about, why isn't it a good + thing to write about, too? That is what I wish to know. Besides, I need + the money. Verily, one always needs the money when one has but recently + escaped from the ministering clutches of the modern hospital. Therefore I + write. + </p> + <p> + It all dates back to the fair, bright morning when I went to call on a + prominent practitioner here in New York, whom I shall denominate as Doctor + X. I had a pain. I had had it for days. It was not a dependable, locatable + pain, such as a tummyache or a toothache is, which you can put your hand + on; but an indefinite, unsettled, undecided kind of pain, which went + wandering about from place to place inside of me like a strange ghost lost + in Cudjo's Cave. I never knew until then what the personal sensations of a + haunted house are. If only the measly thing could have made up its mind to + settle down somewhere and start light housekeeping I think should have + been better satisfied. I never had such an uneasy tenant. Alongside of it + a woman with the moving fever would be comparatively a fixed and + stationary object. + </p> + <p> + Having always, therefore, enjoyed perfectly riotous and absolutely + unbridled health, never feeling weak and distressed unless dinner happened + to be ten or fifteen minutes late, I was green regarding physicians and + the ways of physicians. But I knew Doctor X slightly, having met him last + summer in one of his hours of ease in the grand stand at a ball game, when + he was expressing a desire to cut the umpire's throat from ear to ear, + free of charge; and I remembered his name, and remembered, too, that he + had impressed me at the time as being a person of character and decision + and scholarly attainments. + </p> + <p> + He wore whiskers. Somehow in my mind whiskers are ever associated with + medical skill. I presume this is a heritage of my youth, though I believe + others labor under the same impression. + </p> + <p> + As I look back it seems to me that in childhood's days all the doctors in + our town wore whiskers. + </p> + <p> + I recall one old doctor down there in Kentucky who was practically lurking + in ambush all the time. All he needed was a few decoys out in front of him + and a pump gun to be a duck blind. He carried his calomel about with him + in a fruit jar, and when there was cutting job he stropped his scalpel on + his bootleg. + </p> + <p> + You see, in those primitive times germs had not been invented yet, and so + he did not have to take any steps to avoid them. Now we know that loose, + luxuriant whiskers are unsanitary, because they make such fine winter + quarters for germs; so, though the doctors still wear whiskers, they do + not wear them wild and waving. In the profession bosky whiskers are taboo; + they must be landscaped. And since it is a recognized fact that germs + abhor orderliness and straight lines they now go elsewhere to reside, and + the doctor may still retain his traditional aspect and yet be practically + germproof. Doctor X was trimmed in accordance with the ethics of the newer + school. He had trellis whiskers. So I went to see him at his offices in a + fashionable district, on an expensive side street. + </p> + <p> + Before reaching him I passed through the hands of a maid and a nurse, each + of whom spoke to me in a low, sorrowful tone of voice, which seemed to + indicate that there was very little hope. + </p> + <p> + I reached an inner room where Doctor X was. He looked me over, while I + described for him as best I could what seemed to be the matter with me, + and asked me a number of intimate questions touching on the lives, works, + characters and peculiarities of my ancestors; after which he made me stand + up in front of him and take my coat off, and he punched me hither and yon + with his forefinger. He also knocked repeatedly on my breastbone with his + knuckles, and each time, on doing this, would apply his ear to my chest + and listen intently for a spell, afterward shaking his head in a + disappointed way. Apparently there was nobody at home. For quite a time he + kept on knocking, but without getting any response. + </p> + <p> + He then took my temperature and fifteen dollars, and said it was an + interesting case—not unusual exactly, but interesting—and that + it called for an operation. + </p> + <p> + From the way my heart and other organs jumped inside of me at that + statement I knew at once that, no matter what he may have thought, the + premises were not unoccupied. Naturally I inquired how soon he meant to + operate. Personally I trusted there was no hurry about it. I was perfectly + willing to wait for several years, if necessary. He smiled at my + ignorance. + </p> + <p> + "I never operate," he said; "operating is entirely out of my line. I am a + diagnostician." + </p> + <p> + He was, too—I give him full credit for that. He was a good, keen, + close diagnostician. How did he know I had only fifteen dollars on me? You + did not have to tell this man what you had, or how much. He knew without + being told. + </p> + <p> + I asked whether he was acquainted with Doctor Y—Y being a person + whom I had met casually at a club to which I belong. Oh, yes, he said, he + knew Doctor Y. Y was a clever man, X said—very, very clever; but Y + specialized in the eyes, the ears, the nose and the throat. I gathered + from what Doctor X said that any time Doctor Y ventured below the thorax + he was out of bounds and liable to be penalized; and that if by any chance + he strayed down as far as the lungs he would call for help and back out as + rapidly as possible. + </p> + <p> + This was news to me. It would appear that these up-to-date practitioners + just go ahead and divide you up and partition you out among themselves + without saying anything to you about it. Your torso belongs to one man and + your legs are the exclusive property of his brother practitioner down on + the next block, and so on. You may belong to as many as half a dozen + specialists, most of whom, very possibly, are total strangers to you, and + yet never know a thing about it yourself. + </p> + <p> + It has rather the air of trespass—nay, more than that, it bears some + of the aspects of unlawful entry—but I suppose it is legal. + Certainly, judging by what I am able to learn, the system is being carried + on generally. So it must be ethical. Anything doctors do in a mass is + ethical. Almost anything they do singly and on individual responsibility + is unethical. Being ethical among doctors is practically the same thing as + being a Democrat in Texas or a Presbyterian in Scotland. + </p> + <p> + "Y will never do for you," said Doctor X, when I had rallied somewhat from + the shock of these disclosures. "I would suggest that you go to Doctor Z, + at such-and-such an address. You are exactly in Z's line. I'll let him + know that you are coming and when, and I'll send him down my diagnosis." + </p> + <p> + So that same afternoon, the appointment having been made by telephone, I + went, full of quavery emotions, to Doctor Z's place. As soon as I was + inside his outer hallway, I realized that I was nearing the presence of + one highly distinguished in his profession. + </p> + <p> + A pussy-footed male attendant, in a livery that made him look like a cross + between a headwaiter and an undertaker's assistant, escorted me through an + anteroom into a reception-room, where a considerable number of + well-dressed men and women were sitting about in strained attitudes, + pretending to read magazines while they waited their turns, but in reality + furtively watching one another. + </p> + <p> + I sat down in a convenient chair, adhering fast to my hat and my umbrella. + They were the only friends I had there and I was determined not to lose + them without a struggle. On the wall were many colored charts showing + various portions of the human anatomy and what ailed them. Directly in + front of me was a very thrilling illustration, evidently copied from an + oil painting, of a liver in a bad state of repair. I said to myself that + if I had a liver like that one I should keep it hidden from the public eye—I + would never permit it to sit for it's portrait. Still, there is no + accounting for tastes. I know a man who got his spleen back from the + doctors and now keeps it in a bottle of alcohol on the what-not in the + parlor, as one of his most treasured possessions, and sometimes shows it + to visitors. He, however, is of a very saving disposition. + </p> + <p> + Presently a lady secretary, who sat behind a roll-top desk in a corner of + the room, lifted a forefinger and silently beckoned me to her side. I + moved over and sat down by her; she took down my name and my age and my + weight and my height, and a number of other interesting facts that will + come in very handy should anyone ever be moved to write a complete history + of my early life. In common with Doctor X she shared one attribute—she + manifested a deep curiosity regarding my forefathers—wanted to know + all about them. I felt that this was carrying the thing too far. I felt + like saying to her: + </p> + <p> + "Miss or madam, so far as I know there is nothing the matter with my + ancestors of the second and third generations back, except that they are + dead. I am not here to seek medical assistance for a grandparent who + succumbed to disappointment that time when Samuel J. Tilden got counted + out, or for a great-grandparent who entered into Eternal Rest very + unexpectedly and in a manner entirely uncalled for as a result of being an + innocent bystander in one of those feuds that were so popular in my native + state immediately following the Mexican War. Leave my ancestors alone. + There is no need of your shaking my family tree in the belief that a few + overripe patients will fall out. I alone—I, me, myself—am the + present candidate!" + </p> + <p> + However, I refrained from making this protest audibly. I judged she was + only going according to the ritual; and as she had a printed card, with + blanks in it ready to be filled out with details regarding the remote + members of the family connection, I humored her along. + </p> + <p> + When I could not remember something she wished to know concerning an + ancestor I supplied her with thrilling details culled from the field of + fancy. When the card was entirely filled up she sent me back to my old + place to wait. I waited and waited, breeding fresh ailments all the time. + I had started out with one symptom; now if I had one I had a million and a + half. I could feel goose flesh sprouting out all over me. If I had been + taller I might have had more, but not otherwise. Such is the power of the + human imagination when the surroundings are favorable to its development. + </p> + <p> + Time passed; to me it appeared that nearly all the time there was passed + and that we were getting along toward the shank-end of the Christian era + mighty fast. I was afraid my turn would come next and afraid it would not. + Perhaps you know this sensation. You get it at the dentist's, and when you + are on the list of after-dinner speakers at a large banquet, and when you + are waiting for the father of the Only Girl in the World to make up his + mind whether he is willing to try to endure you as a son-in-law. + </p> + <p> + Then some more time passed. + </p> + <p> + One by one my companions, obeying a command, passed out through the door + at the back, vanishing out of my life forever. None of them returned. I + was vaguely wondering whether Doctor Z buried his dead on the premises or + had them removed by a secret passageway in the rear, when a young woman in + a nurse's costume tapped me on the shoulder from behind. + </p> + <p> + I jumped. She hid a compassionate smile with her hand and told me that the + doctor would see me now. + </p> + <p> + As I rose to follow her—still clinging with the drowning man's grip + of desperation to my hat and my umbrella—I was astonished to note by + a glance at the calendar on the wall that this was still the present date. + I thought it would be Thursday of next week at the very least. + </p> + <p> + Doctor Z also wore whiskers, carefully pointed up by an expert hedge + trimmer. He sat at his desk, surrounded by freewill offerings from + grateful patients and by glass cases containing other things he had taken + away from them when they were not in a condition to object. I had + expected, after all the preliminary ceremonies and delays, that we should + have a long skance together. Not so; not at all. The modern expert in + surgery charges as much for remembering your name between visits as the + family doctor used to expect for staying up all night with you, but he + does not waste any time when you are in his presence. + </p> + <p> + I was about to find that out. And a little later on I was to find out a + lot of other things; in fact, that whole week was of immense educational + value to me. + </p> + <p> + I presume it was because he stood high in his profession, and was almost + constantly engaged in going into the best society that Doctor Z did not + appear to be the least bit excited over my having picked him out to look + into me. In the most perfunctory manner he shook the hand that has shaken + the hands of Jess Willard, George M. Cohan and Henry Ford, and bade me be + seated in a chair which was drawn up in a strong light, where he might + gaze directly at me as we conversed and so get the full values of the + composition. But if I was a treat for him to look at he concealed his + feelings very effectually. + </p> + <p> + He certainly had his emotions under splendid control. But then, of course, + you must remember that he probably had traveled about extensively and was + used to sight-seeing. + </p> + <p> + From this point on everything passed off in a most businesslike manner. He + reached into a filing cabinet and took out an exhibit, which I recognized + as the same one his secretary had filled out in the early part of the + century. So I was already in the card-index class. Then briefly he looked + over the manifest that Doctor X had sent him. It may not have been a + manifest—it may have been an invoice or a bill of lading. Anyhow I + was in the assignee's hands. I could only hope it would not eventually + become necessary to call in a receiver. Then he spoke: + </p> + <p> + "Yes, yes-yes," he said; "yes-yes-yes! Operation required. Small matter—hum, + hum! Let's see—this is Tuesday? Quite so. Do it Friday! Friday at"—he + glanced toward a scribbled pad of engagement dates at his elbow—"Friday + at seven A. M. No, make it seven-fifteen. Have important tumor case at + seven. St. Germicide's Hospital. You know the place—up on Umpty-umph + Street. Go' day! Miss Whoziz, call next visitor." + </p> + <p> + And before I realized that practically the whole affair had been settled I + was outside the consultation-room in a small private hall, and the + secretary was telling me further details would be conveyed to me by mail. + I went home in a dazed state. For the first time I was beginning to learn + something about an industry in which heretofore I had never been + interested. Especially was I struck by the difference now revealed to me + in the preliminary stages of the surgeons' business as compared with their + fellow experts in the allied cutting trades—tailors, for instance, + not to mention barbers. Every barber, you know, used to be a surgeon, only + he spelled it chirurgeon. Since then the two professions have drifted far + apart. Even a half-witted barber—the kind who always has the first + chair as you come into the shop—can easily spend ten minutes of your + time thinking of things he thinks you should have and mentioning them to + you one by one, whereas any good, live surgeon knows what you have almost + instantly. + </p> + <p> + As for the tailor—consider how wearisome are his methods when you + parallel them alongside the tremendous advances in this direction made by + the surgeon—how cumbersome and old-fashioned and tedious! Why, an + experienced surgeon has you all apart in half the time the tailor takes up + in deciding whether the vest shall fasten with five buttons or six. Our + own domestic tailors are bad enough in this regard and the Old World + tailors are even worse. + </p> + <p> + I remember a German tailor in Aix-la-Chapelle in the fall of 1914 who + undertook to build for me a suit suitable for visiting the battle lines + informally. He was the most literary tailor I ever met anywhere. He would + drape the material over my person and then take a piece of chalk and write + quite a nice long piece on me. Then he would rub it out and write it all + over again, but more fully. He kept this up at intervals of every other + day until he had writer's cramp. After that he used pins. He would pin the + seams together, uttering little soothing, clucking sounds in German + whenever a pin went through the goods and into me. The German cluck is not + so soothing as the cluck of the English-speaking peoples, I find. + </p> + <p> + At the end of two long and trying weeks, which wore both of us down + noticeably, he had the job done. It was not an unqualified success. He + regarded is as a suit of clothes, but I knew better; it was a set of slip + covers, and if only I had been a two-seated runabout it would have proved + a perfect fit, I am sure; but I am a single-seated design and it did not + answer. I wore it to the war because I had nothing else to wear that would + stamp me as a regular war correspondent, except, of course, my wrist + watch; but I shall not wear it to another war. War is terrible enough + already; and, besides, I have parted with it. On my way home through + Holland I gave that suit to a couple of poor Belgian refugees, and I + presume they are still wearing it. + </p> + <p> + So far as I have been able to observe, the surgeons and the tailors of + these times share but one common instinct: If you go to a new surgeon or + to a new tailor he is morally certain, after looking you over, that the + last surgeon you had or the last tailor, did not do your cutting properly. + There, however, is where the resemblance ends. The tailor, as I remarked + in effect just now, wants an hour at least in which to decide how he may + best cover up and disguise the irregularities of the human form; in much + less time than that the surgeon has completely altered the form itself. + </p> + <p> + With the surgeon it is very much as it is with those learned men who write + those large, impressive works of reference which should be permanently in + every library, and which we are forever buying from an agent because we + are so passionately addicted to payments. If the thing he seeks does not + appear in the contents proper he knows exactly where to look for it. "See + appendix," says the historian to you in a footnote. "See appendix," says + the surgeon to himself, the while humming a cheery refrain. And so he + does. + </p> + <p> + Well, I went home. This was Tuesday and the operation was not to be + performed until the coming Friday. By Wednesday I had calmed down + considerably. By Thursday morning I was practically normal again as + regards my nerves. You will understand that I was still in a blissful + state of ignorance concerning the actual methods of the surgical + profession as exemplified by its leading exponents of today. The knowledge + I have touched on in the pages immediately preceding was to come to me + later. + </p> + <p> + Likewise Doctor Z's manner had been deceiving. It could not be that he + meant to carve me to any really noticeable extent—his attitude had + been entirely too casual. At our house carving is a very serious matter. + Any time I take the head of the table and start in to carve it is fitting + women and children get to a place of safety, and onlookers should get + under the table. When we first began housekeeping and gave our first small + dinner-party we had a brace of ducks cooked in honor of the company, and + I, as host, undertook to carve them. I never knew until then that a duck + was built like a watch—that his works were inclosed in a + burglarproof case. Without the use of dynamite the Red Leary-O'Brien gang + could not have broken into those ducks. I thought so then and I think so + yet. Years have passed since then, but I may state that even now, when + there are guests for dinner, we do not have ducks. Unless somebody else is + going to carve, we have liver. + </p> + <p> + I mention this fact in passing because it shows that I had learned to + revere carving as one of the higher arts, and one not to be approached + except in a spirit of due appreciation of the magnitude of the + undertaking, and after proper consideration and thought and reflection, + and all that sort of thing. + </p> + <p> + If this were true as regards a mere duck, why not all the more so as + regards the carving of a person of whom I am so very fond as I am of + myself? Thus I reasoned. And finally, had not Doctor Z spoken of the + coming operation as a small matter? Well then? + </p> + <p> + Thursday at noon I received from Doctor Z's secretary a note stating that + arrangements had been made for my admission into St. Germicide that same + evening and that I was to spend the night there. This hardly seemed + necessary. Still, the tone of the note appeared to indicate that the + hospital authorities particularly wished to have me for an overnight + guest; and as I reflected that probably the poor things had few enough + bright spots in their busy lives, I decided I would humor them along and + gladden the occasion with my presence from dinner-time on. + </p> + <p> + About eight o'clock I strolled in very jauntily. In my mind I had the + whole programme mapped out. I would stay at the hospital for, say, two + days following the operation—or, at most, three. Then I must be up + and away. I had a good deal of work to do and a number of people to see on + important business, and I could not really afford to waste more than a + weekend on the staff of St. Germicide's. After Monday they must look to + their own devices for social entertainment. That was my idea. Now when I + look back on it I laugh, but it is a hollow laugh and there is no real + merriment in it. + </p> + <p> + Indeed, almost from the moment of my entrance little things began to come + up that were calculated to have a depressing effect on one's spirits. + Downstairs a serious-looking lady met me and entered in a book a number of + salient facts regarding my personality which the previous investigators + had somehow overlooked. There is a lot of bookkeeping about an operation. + This detail attended to, a young man, dressed in white garments and + wearing an expression that stamped him as one who had suffered a recent + deep bereavement came and relieved me of my hand bag and escorted me + upstairs. + </p> + <p> + As we passed through the upper corridors I had my first introduction to + the hospital smell, which is a smell compounded of iodoform, ether, gruel, + and something boiling. All hospitals have it, I understand. In time you + get used to it, but you never really care for it. + </p> + <p> + The young man led me into a small room tastefully decorated with four + walls, a floor, a ceiling, a window sill and a window, a door and a + doorsill, and a bed and a chair. He told me to go to bed. I did not want + to go to bed—it was not my regular bedtime—but he made a point + of it, and I judged it was according to regulations; so I undressed and + put on my night clothes and crawled in. He left me, taking my other + clothes and my shoes with him, but I was not allowed to get lonely. + </p> + <p> + A little later a ward surgeon appeared, to put a few inquiries of a + pointed and personal nature. He particularly desired to know what my + trouble was. I explained to him that I couldn't tell him—he would + have to see Doctor X or Doctor Z; they probably knew, but were keeping it + a secret between themselves. + </p> + <p> + The answer apparently satisfied him, because immediately after that he + made me sign a paper in which I assumed all responsibility for what was to + take place the next morning. + </p> + <p> + This did not seem exactly fair. As I pointed out to him, it was the + surgeon's affair, not mine; and if the surgeon made a mistake the joke + would be on him and not on me, because in that case I would not be here + anyhow. But I signed, as requested, on the dotted line, and he departed. + </p> + <p> + After that, at intervals, the chief house surgeon dropped in, without + knocking, and the head nurse came, and an interne or so, and a ward nurse, + and the special nurse who was to have direct charge of me. It dawned on me + that I was not having any more privacy in that hospital than a goldfish. + </p> + <p> + About eleven o'clock an orderly came, and, without consulting my wishes in + the matter, he undressed me until I could have passed almost anywhere for + September Morn's father, and gave me a clean shave, twice over, on one of + my most prominent plane surfaces. I must confess I enjoyed that part of + it. So far as I am able to recall, it was the only shave I have ever had + where the operator did not spray me with cheap perfumery afterward and + then try to sell me a bottle of hair tonic. + </p> + <p> + Having shaved me, the young man did me up amidships in a neat cloth + parcel, took his kit under his arm and went away. + </p> + <p> + It occurred to me that, considering the trivial nature of the case, a good + deal of fuss was being made over me by persons who could have no personal + concern in the matter whatsoever. This thought recurred to me frequently + as I lay there all tied in a bundle like a week's washing. I did not feel + quite so uppish as I had felt. Why was everybody picking on me? + </p> + <p> + Anon I slept, but dreamed fitfully. I dreamed that a whole flock of + surgeons came to my bedside and charted me out in sections, like one of + those diagram pictures you see of a beef in the Handy Compendium of + Universal Knowledge, showing the various cuts and the butcher's pet name + for each cut. Each man took his favorite joint and carried it away, and + when they were all gone I was merely a recent site, full of reverberating + echoes and nothing else. + </p> + <p> + I have had happier dreams in my time; this was not the kind of dream I + should have selected had the choice been left to me. + </p> + <p> + When I woke the young sun was shining in at the window, and an orderly—not + the orderly who had shaved me, but another one—was there in my room + and my nurse was waiting outside the door. The orderly dressed me in a + quaint suit of pyjamas cut on the half shell and buttoning stylishly in + the back, princesse mode. Then he rolled in a flat litter on wheels and + stretched me on it, and covered me up with a white tablecloth, just as + though I had been cold Sunday-night supper, and we started for the + operating-room at the top of the building; but before we started I lit a + large black cigar, as Gen. U. S. Grant used to do when he went into + battle. I wished by this to show how indifferent I was. Maybe he fooled + somebody, but I do not believe I possess the same powers of simulation + that Grant had. He must have been a very remarkable man—Grant must. + </p> + <p> + The orderly and the nurse trundled me out into the hall and loaded me into + an elevator, which was to carry us up to the top of the hospital. Several + other nurses were already in the elevator. As we came aboard one of them + remarked that it was a fine day. A fine day for what? She did not finish + the sentence. + </p> + <p> + Everybody wore a serious look. Inside of myself I felt pretty serious too—serious + enough for ten or twelve. I had meant to fling off several very bright, + spontaneous quips on the way to the table. I thought them out in advance, + but now, somehow, none of them seemed appropriate. Instinctively, as it + were, I felt that humor was out of place here. + </p> + <p> + I never knew an elevator to progress from the third floor of a building to + the ninth with such celerity as this one on which we were traveling + progressed. Personally I was in no mood for haste. If there was anyone + else in all that great hospital who was in a particular hurry to be + operated on I was perfectly willing to wait. But alas, no! The mechanism + of the elevator was in perfect order—entirely too perfect. No + accident of any character whatsoever befell us en route, no dropping back + into the basement with a low, grateful thud; no hitch; no delay of any + kind. We were certainly out of luck that trip. The demon of a joyrider who + operated the accursed device jerked a lever and up we soared at a + distressingly high rate of speed. If I could have had my way about that + youth he would have been arrested for speeding. + </p> + <p> + Now we were there! They rolled into a large room, all white, with a + rounded ceiling like the inside of an egg. Right away I knew what the + feelings of a poor, lonely little yolk are when the spoon begins to chip + the shell. If I had not been so busy feeling sorry for myself I think I + might have developed quite an active sympathy for yolks. + </p> + <p> + My impression had been that this was to be in the nature of a private + affair, without invitations. I was astonished to note that quite a crowd + had assembled for the opening exercises. From his attire and general + deportment I judged that Doctor Z was going to be the master of the + revels, he being attired appropriately in a white domino, with rubber + gloves and a fancy cap of crash toweling. There were present, also, my + diagnostic friend, Doctor X, likewise in fancy-dress costume, and a + surgeon I had never met. From what I could gather he was going over the + course behind Doctor Z to replace the divots. + </p> + <p> + And there was an interne in the background, playing caddy, as it were, and + a head nurse, who was going to keep the score, and two other nurses, who + were going to help her keep it. I only hoped that they would show no + partiality, but be as fair to me as they were to Doctor Z, and that he + would go round in par. + </p> + <p> + So they placed me right where my eyes might rest on a large wall cabinet + full of very shiny-looking tools; and they took my cigar away from me and + folded my hands on the wide bowknot of my sash. Then they put a cloth + dingus over my face and a voice of authority told me to breathe. That + advice, however, was superfluous and might just as well have been omitted, + for such was my purpose anyhow. Ever since I can recall anything at all, + breathing has been a regular habit with me. So I breathed. And, at that, a + bottle of highly charged sarsaparilla exploded somewhere in the immediate + vicinity and most of its contents went up my nose. + </p> + <p> + I started to tell them that somebody had been fooling with their ether and + adulterating it, and that if they thought they could send me off to sleep + with soda pop they were making the mistake of their lives, because it just + naturally could not be done; but for some reason or other I decided to put + off speaking about the matter for a few minutes. I breathed again—again—agai—— + </p> + <p> + I was going away from there. I was in a large gas balloon, soaring up into + the clouds. How pleasant!... No, by Jove! I was not in a balloon—I + myself was the balloon, which was not quite so pleasant. Besides, Doctor Z + was going along as a passenger; and as we traveled up and up he kept + jabbing me in the midriff with the ferrule of a large umbrella which he + had brought along with him in case of rain. He jabbed me harder and + harder. I remonstrated with him. I told him I was a bit tender in that + locality and the ferrule of his umbrella was sharp. He would not listen. + He kept on jabbing me. + </p> + <p> + Something broke! We started back down to earth. We fell faster and faster. + We fell nine miles, and after that I began to get used to it. Then I saw + the earth beneath and it was rising up to meet us. + </p> + <p> + A town was below—a town that grew larger and larger as we neared it. + I could make out the bonded indebtedness, and the Carnegie Library, and + the moving-picture palaces, and the new dancing parlor, and other + principal points of interest. + </p> + <p> + At the rate we were falling we were certainly going to make an awful + splatter in that town when we hit. I was sorry for the street-cleaning + department. + </p> + <p> + We fell another half mile or so. A spire was sticking up into the sky + directly beneath us, like a spear, to impale us. By a supreme effort I + twisted out of the way of that spire, only to strike squarely on top of + the roof of a greenhouse back of the parsonage, next door. We crashed + through it with a perfectly terrific clatter of breaking glass and landed + in a bed of white flowers, all soft and downy, like feathers. + </p> + <p> + And then Doctor Z stood up and combed the debris out of his whiskers and + remarked that, taking it by and large, it had been one of the pleasantest + little outings he had enjoyed in the entire course of his practice. He + said that as a patient I was fair, but as a balloon I was immense. He + asked me whether I had seen anything of his umbrella and began looking + round for it. I tried to help him look, but I was too tired to exert + myself much. I told him I believed I would take a little nap. + </p> + <p> + I opened a dizzy eye part way. So this was heaven—this white expanse + that swung and swam before my languid gaze? No, it could not be—it + did not smell like heaven. It smelled like a hospital. It was a hospital. + It was my hospital. My nurse was bending over me and I caught a faint + whiff of the starch in the front of her crisp blue blouse. She was + two-headed for the moment, but that was a mere detail. She settled a + pillow under my head and told me to lie quiet. + </p> + <p> + I meant to lie quiet; I did not have to be told. I wanted to lie quiet and + hurt. I was hurty from head to toe and back again, and crosswise and + cater-cornered. I hurt diagonally and lengthwise and on the bias. I had a + taste in my mouth like a bird-and-animal store. And empty! It seemed to me + those doctors had not left anything inside of me except the acoustics. + Well, there was a mite of consolation there. If the overhauling had been + as thorough as I had reason to believe it was from my present sensations, + I need never fear catching anything again so long as I lived, except + possibly dandruff. + </p> + <p> + I waved the nurse away. I craved solitude. I desired only to lie there in + that bed and hurt—which I did. + </p> + <p> + I had said beforehand I meant to stay in St. Germicide's for two or three + days only. It is when I look back on that resolution I emit the hollow + laugh elsewhere referred to. For exactly four weeks I was flat on my back. + I know now how excessively wearied a man can get of his own back, how + tired of it, how bored with it! And after that another two weeks elapsed + before my legs became the same dependable pair of legs I had known in the + past. + </p> + <p> + I did not want to eat at first, and when I did begin to want to they would + not let me. If I felt sort of peckish they let me suck a little glass + thermometer, but there is not much nourishment really in thermometers. And + for entertainment, to wile the dragging hours away, I could count the + cracks in the ceiling and read my temperature chart, which was a good deal + like Red Ames' batting average for the past season—ranging from + ninety-nine to one hundred and four. + </p> + <p> + Also, through daily conversations with my nurse and with the surgeons who + dropped in from time to time to have a look at me, I learned, as I lay + there, a great deal about the medical profession—that is, a great + deal for a layman—and what I learned filled me with an abiding + admiration for it, both as a science and as a business. This surely is one + profession which ever keeps its face to the front. Burying its past + mistakes and forgetting them as speedily as possible, it pushes straight + forward into fresh fields and fresh patients, always hopeful of what the + future may bring in the way of newly discovered and highly expensive + ailments. As we look backward upon the centuries we are astonished by its + advancement. I did a good deal of looking backwards upon the centuries + during my sojourn at St. Germicide's. + </p> + <p> + Take the Middle Ages now—the period when a barber and a surgeon were + one and the same. If a man made a failure as a barber he turned his + talents to surgery. Surgeons in those times were a husky breed. I judge + they worked by the day instead of by piecework; anyhow the records show + they were very fond of experiments where somebody else furnished the raw + material. + </p> + <p> + When there came a resounding knock at the tradesman's entrance of the + moated grange, the lord of the manor, looking over the portcullis and + seeing a lusty wight standing down below, in a leather apron, with his + sleeves rolled up and a kit of soldering tools under his arm, didn't know + until he made inquiry whether the gentle stranger had come to mend the + drain or remove the cook's leg. + </p> + <p> + A little later along, when gunpowder had come into general use as a + humanizing factor of civilization, surgeons treated a gunshot wound by + pouring boiling lard into it, which I would say was calculated to take the + victim's mind off his wound and give him something else to think about—for + the time being, anyhow. I assume the notion of applying a mustard plaster + outside one's stomach when one has a pain inside one's stomach is based on + the same principle. + </p> + <p> + However, one doesn't have to go clear back to medieval times to note the + radical differences in the plan of treating human ailments. A great many + persons who are still living can remember when the doctors were not nearly + so numerous as they are now. I, for one, would be the last to reverse the + sentence and say that because the doctors were not nearly so numerous then + as they are now, those persons are still living so numerously. + </p> + <p> + In the spring of the year, when the sap flowed and the birds mated, the + sturdy farmer felt that he was due to have something the matter with him, + too. So he would ride into the country-seat and get an almanac. Doubtless + the reader, if country raised, has seen copies of this popular work. On + the outside cover, which was dark blue in color, there was a picture of a + person whose stomach was sliced four ways, like a twenty-cent pie, and + then folded back neatly, thus exposing his entire interior arrangements to + the gaze of the casual observer. However, this party, judging by his + picture, did not appear to be suffering. He did not even seem to fear that + he might catch cold from standing there in his own draught. He was gazing + off into space in an absent-minded kind of way, apparently not aware that + anything was wrong with him; and on all sides he was surrounded by + interesting exhibits, such as a crab, and a scorpion, and a goat, and a + chap with a bow and arrow—and one thing and another. + </p> + <p> + Such was the main design of the cover, while the contents were made up of + recognized and standard varieties in the line of jokes and the line of + diseases which alternated, with first a favorite joke and then a favorite + disease. The author who wrote the descriptions of the diseases was one of + the most convincing writers that ever lived anywhere. As a realist he had + no superiors among those using our language as a vehicle for the + expression of thought. He was a wonder. If a person wasn't particular + about what ailed him he could read any page at random and have one + specific disease. Or he could read the whole book through and have them + all, in their most advanced stages. Then the only thing that could save + him was a large dollar bottle. + </p> + <p> + Again, in attacks of the breakbone ague or malaria it was customary to + call in a local practitioner, generally an elderly lady of the + neighborhood who had none of these latter-day prejudices regarding the use + of tobacco by the gentler sex. One whom I distantly recall, among + childhood's happy memories, carried this liberal-mindedness to a point + where she not only dipped snuff and smoked a cob pipe, but sometimes + chewed a little natural leaf. This lady, on being called in, would brew up + a large caldron of medicinal roots and barks and sprouts and things; and + then she would deluge the interior of the sufferer with a large gourdful + of this pleasing mixture at regular intervals. It was efficacious, too. + The inundated person either got well or else he drowned from the inside. + Rocking the patient was almost as dangerous a pastime as rocking the boat. + This also helps to explain, I think, why so many of our forebears had + floating kidneys. There was nothing else for a kidney to do. + </p> + <p> + By the time I attained to long trousers, people in our town mainly had + outgrown the unlicensed expert and were depending more and more upon the + old-fashioned family doctor—the one with the whisker-jungle—who + drove about in a gig, accompanied by a haunting aroma of iodoform and + carrying his calomel with him in bulk. + </p> + <p> + He probably owned a secret calomel mine of his own. He must have; + otherwise he could never have afforded to be so generous with it. He also + had other medicines with him, all of them being selected on the principle + that unless a drug tasted like the very dickens it couldn't possibly do + you any good. At all hours of the day and night he was to be seen going to + and fro, distributing nuggets from his private lode. He went to bed with + his trousers and his hat on, I think, and there was a general belief that + his old mare slept between the shafts of the gig, with the bridle shoved + up on her forehead. + </p> + <p> + It has been only a few years since the oldtime general practitioner was + everywhere. Just look round and see now how the system has changed! If + your liver begins to misconduct itself the first thought of the modern + operator is to cut it out and hide it some place where you can't find it. + The oldtimer would have bombarded it with a large brunette pill about the + size and color of a damson plum. Or he might put you on a diet of molasses + seasoned to taste with blue mass and quinine and other attractive + condiments. Likewise, in the spring of the year he frequently anointed the + young of the species with a mixture of mutton suet and asafetida. This + treatment had an effect that was distinctly depressing upon the growing + boy. It militated against his popularity. It forced him to seek his + pleasures outdoors, and a good distance outdoors at that. + </p> + <p> + It was very hard for a boy, however naturally attractive he might be, to + retain his popularity at the fireside circle when coated with mutton suet + and asafetida and then taken into a warm room. He attracted attention + which he did not court and which was distasteful to him. Keeping quiet did + not seem to help him any. Even if they had been blindfolded others would + still have felt his presence. A civit-cat suffers from the same drawbacks + in a social way, but the advantage to the civit-cat is that as a general + thing it associates only with other civit-cats. + </p> + <p> + Except in the country the old-time, catch-as-catch-can general + practitioner appears to be dying out. In the city one finds him + occasionally, playing a limit game in an office on a back street—two + dollars to come in, five to call; but the tendency of the day is toward + specialists. Hence the expert who treats you for just one particular thing + With a pain in your chest, say, you go to a chest specialist. So long as + he can keep the trouble confined to your chest, all well and good. If it + slips down or slides up he tries to coax it back to the reservation. If it + refuses to do so, he bids it an affectionate adieu, makes a dotted mark on + you to show where he left off, collects his bill and regretfully turns you + over to a stomach specialist or a throat specialist, depending on the + direction in which the trouble was headed when last seen. + </p> + <p> + Or, perhaps the specialist to whom you take your custom is an advocate of + an immediate operation for such cases as yours and all others. I may be + unduly sensitive on account of having recently emerged from the surgeon's + hands, but it strikes me now that there are an awful lot of doctors who + take one brief glance at a person who is complaining, and say to + themselves that here is something that ought to be looked into right away—and + immediately open a bag and start picking out the proper utensils. You go + into a doctor's office and tell him you do not feel the best in the world—and + he gives you a look and excuses himself, and steps into the next room and + begins greasing a saw. + </p> + <p> + Mind you, in these casual observations as compiled by me while bedfast and + here given utterance, I am not seeking to disparage possibly the noblest + of professions. Lately I have owed much to it. I am strictly on the + doctor's side. He is with us when we come into the world and with us when + we go out of it, oftentimes lending a helping hand on both occasions. + Anyway, our sympathies should especially go out to the medical profession + at this particular time when the anti-vivisectionists are railing so + loudly against the doctors. The anti-vivisection crusade has enlisted + widely different classes in the community, including many lovers of our + dumb-animal pets—and aren't some of them the dumbest things you ever + saw!—especially chow dogs and love birds. + </p> + <p> + I will admit there is something to be said on both sides of the argument. + This dissecting of live subjects may have been carried to extremes on + occasions. When I read in the medical journals that the eminent Doctor + Somebody succeeded in transferring the interior department of a pelican to + a pointer pup, and vice versa with such success that the pup drowned while + diving for minnows, and the pelican went out in the back yard and barked + himself to death baying at the moon, I am interested naturally; but, + possibly because of my ignorance, I fail to see wherein the treatment of + infantile paralysis has been materially advanced. On the other hand I + would rather the kind and gentle Belgian hare should be offered up as a + sacrifice upon the operating table and leave behind him a large family of + little Belgian heirs and heiresses—dependent upon the charity of a + cruel world—than that I should have something painful which can be + avoided through making him a martyr. I would rather any white rabbit on + earth should have the Asiatic cholera twice than that I should have it + just once. These are my sincere convictions, and I will not attempt to + disguise them. + </p> + <p> + Thanks too, to medical science we know about germs and serums and diets + and all that. Our less fortunate ancestors didn't know about them. They + were befogged in ignorance. As recently as the generation immediately + preceding ours people were unacquainted with the simplest rules of + hygiene. They didn't care whether the housefly wiped his feet before he + came into the house or not. The gentleman with the drooping, + cream-separator mustache was at perfect liberty to use the common drinking + cup on the railroad train. The appendix lurked in its snug retreat, + undisturbed by the prying fingers of curiosity. The fever-bearing skeeter + buzzed and flitted, stinging where he pleased. The germ theory was + unfathomed. Suitable food for an invalid was anything the invalid could + afford to buy. Fresh air, and more especially fresh night air, was + regarded as dangerous, and people hermetically sealed themselves in before + retiring. Not daily as at present was the world gladdened by the tidings + that science had unearthed some new and particularly unpleasant disease. + It never occurred to a mother that she should sterilize the slipper before + spanking her offspring. Babies were not reared antiseptically, but just + so. Nobody was aware of microbes. + </p> + <p> + In short, our sires and our grandsires abode in the midst of perils. They + were surrounded on all sides by things that are immediately fatal to the + human system. Not a single one of them had a right to pass his second + birthday. In the light of what we know, we realize that by now this world + should be but a barren waste dotted at frequent intervals with large + graveyards and populated only by a few dispossessed and hungry bacteria, + hanging over the cemetery fence singing: Driven From Home! + </p> + <p> + In the conditions generally prevalent up to twenty-five years ago, most of + us never had any license, really, to be born at all. Yet look how many of + us are now here. In this age of research I hesitate to attempt to account + for it, except on the entirely unscientific theory that what you don't + know doesn't hurt you. Doubtless a physician could give you a better + explanation, but his would cost you more than mine has. + </p> + <p> + But we digress. Let us get back to our main subject, which is myself. I + shall never forget my first real meal in that hospital. There was quite a + good deal of talk about it beforehand. My nurse kept telling me that on + the next day the doctor had promised I might have something to eat. I + could hardly wait. I had visions of a tenderloin steak smothered in fried + onions, and some French-fried potatoes, and a tall table-limit stack of + wheat cakes, and a few other incidental comfits and kickshaws. I could + hardly wait for that meal. + </p> + <p> + The next day came and she brought it to me, and I partook thereof. It was + the white of an egg. For dessert I licked a stamp; but this I did + clandestinely and by stealth, without saying anything about it to her. I + was not supposed to have any sweets. + </p> + <p> + On the occasion of the next feast the diet was varied. I had a sip of one + of those fermented milk products. You probably know the sort of thing I + mean. Even before you've swallowed it, it tastes as though it had already + disagreed with you. The nurse said this food was predigested but did not + tell me by whom. Nor did I ask her. I started to, but thought better of + it. Sometimes one is all the happier for not knowing too much. + </p> + <p> + A little later on, seeing that I had not suffered an attack of indigestion + from this debauch, they gave me junket. In the dictionary I have looked up + the definitions of junket. I quote: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + JUNKET, v. I. t. To entertain by feasting; regale. II. i. To + give or take part in an entertainment or excursion; feast in + company; picnic; revel. + + JUNKET, n. A merry feast or excursion; picnic. +</pre> + <p> + When the author of a dictionary tries to be frivolous he only succeeds in + making himself appear foolish. + </p> + <p> + I know not how it may be in the world at large, but in a hospital, junket + is a custard that by some subtle process has been denuded of those + ingredients which make a custard fascinating and exciting. It tastes as + though the eggs, which form its underlying basis, had been laid in a fit + of pique by a hen that was severely upset at the time. + </p> + <p> + Hereafter when the junket is passed round somebody else may have my share. + I'll stick to the mince pie a la mode. And the first cigar of my + convalescence—ah, that, too, abides as a vivid memory! Dropping in + one morning to replace the wrappings Doctor Z said I might smoke in + moderation. So the nurse brought me a cigar, and I lit it and took one + deep puff; but only one. I laid it aside. I said to the nurse: + </p> + <p> + "A mistake has been made here. I do not want a cooking cigar, you + understand. I desire a cigar for personal use. This one is full of herbs + and simples, I think. It suggests a New England boiled dinner, and not a + very good New England boiled dinner at that. Let us try again." + </p> + <p> + She brought another cigar. It was not satisfactory either. Then she showed + me the box—an orthodox box containing cigars of a recognized and + previously dependable brand. I could only conclude that a root-and-herb + doctor had bought an interest in the business and was introducing his own + pet notions into the formula. + </p> + <p> + But came a day—as the fancy writers say when they wish to convey the + impression that a day has come, but hate to do it in a commonplace manner—came + a day when my cigar tasted as a cigar should taste and food had the proper + relish to it; and my appetite came back again and found the old home place + not so greatly changed after all. + </p> + <p> + And then shortly thereafter came another day, when I, all replete with + expensive stitches, might drape the customary habiliments of civilization + about my attenuated frame and go forth to mingle with my fellow beings. I + have been mingling pretty steadily ever since, for now I have something to + talk about—a topic good for any company; congenial, an absorbing + topic. + </p> + <p> + I can spot a brother member a block away. I hasten up to him and give him + the grand hailing sign of the order. He opens his mouth to speak, but I + beat him to it. + </p> + <p> + "Speaking of operations—" I say. And then I'm off. Believe me, it's + the life! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's "Speaking of Operations--", by Irvin S. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: "Speaking of Operations--" + +Author: Irvin S. Cobb + +Posting Date: November 7, 2008 [EBook #1890] +Release Date: September, 1999 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK "SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS--" *** + + + + +Produced by Kirk Pearson + + + + + +"SPEAKING OF OPERATIONS--" + +by Irvin S. Cobb + + +Respectfully dedicated to two classes: + + Those who have already been operated on + Those who have not yet been operated on + + + +Now that the last belated bill for services professionally rendered has +been properly paid and properly receipted; now that the memory of the +event, like the mark of the stitches, has faded out from a vivid red to +a becoming pink shade; now that I pass a display of adhesive tape in +a drug-store window without flinching--I sit me down to write a little +piece about a certain matter--a small thing, but mine own--to wit, That +Operation. + +For years I have noticed that persons who underwent pruning or +remodeling at the hands of a duly qualified surgeon, and survived, like +to talk about it afterward. In the event of their not surviving I have +no doubt they still liked to talk about it, but in a different locality. +Of all the readily available topics for use, whether among friends +or among strangers, an operation seems to be the handiest and most +dependable. It beats the Tariff, or Roosevelt, or Bryan, or when this +war is going to end, if ever, if you are a man talking to other men; +and it is more exciting even than the question of how Mrs. Vernon Castle +will wear her hair this season, if you are a woman talking to other +women. + +For mixed companies a whale is one of the best and the easiest things to +talk about that I know of. In regard to whales and their peculiarities +you can make almost any assertion without fear of successful +contradiction. Nobody ever knows any more about them than you do. You +are not hampered by facts. If someone mentions the blubber of the whale +and you chime in and say it may be noticed for miles on a still day when +the large but emotional creature has been moved to tears by some great +sorrow coming into its life, everybody is bound to accept the statement. +For after all how few among us really know whether a distressed whale +sobs aloud or does so under its breath? Who, with any certainty, can +tell whether a mother whale hatches her own egg her own self or leaves +it on the sheltered bosom of a fjord to be incubated by the gentle +warmth of the midnight sun? The possibilities of the proposition for +purposes of informal debate, pro and con, are apparent at a glance. + +The weather, of course, helps out amazingly when you are meeting people +for the first time, because there is nearly always more or less weather +going on somewhere and practically everybody has ideas about it. The +human breakfast is also a wonderfully good topic to start up during one +of those lulls. Try it yourself the next time the conversation seems +to drag. Just speak up in an offhand kind of way and say that you never +care much about breakfast--a slice of toast and a cup of weak tea start +you off properly for doing a hard day's work. You will be surprised to +note how things liven up and how eagerly all present join in. The lady +on your left feels that you should know she always takes two lumps of +sugar and nearly half cream, because she simply cannot abide hot milk, +no matter what the doctors say. The gentleman on your right will be +moved to confess he likes his eggs boiled for exactly three minutes, +no more and no less. Buckwheat cakes and sausage find a champion and +oatmeal rarely lacks a warm defender. + +But after all, when all is said and done, the king of all topics is +operations. Sooner or later, wherever two or more are gathered together +it is reasonably certain that somebody will bring up an operation. + +Until I passed through the experience of being operated on myself, I +never really realized what a precious conversational boon the subject +is, and how great a part it plays in our intercourse with our fellow +beings on this planet. To the teller it is enormously interesting, for +he is not only the hero of the tale but the rest of the cast and the +stage setting as well--the whole show, as they say; and if the listener +has had a similar experience--and who is there among us in these days +that has not taken a nap 'neath the shade of the old ether cone?--it +acquires a doubled value. + +"Speaking of operations--" you say, just like that, even though +nobody present has spoken of them; and then you are off, with your new +acquaintance sitting on the edge of his chair, or hers as the case +may be and so frequently is, with hands clutched in polite but painful +restraint, gills working up and down with impatience, eyes brightened +with desire, tongue hung in the middle, waiting for you to pause to +catch your breath, so that he or she may break in with a few personal +recollections along the same line. From a mere conversation it resolves +itself into a symptom symposium, and a perfectly splendid time is had by +all. + +If an operation is such a good thing to talk about, why isn't it a good +thing to write about, too? That is what I wish to know. Besides, I need +the money. Verily, one always needs the money when one has but recently +escaped from the ministering clutches of the modern hospital. Therefore +I write. + +It all dates back to the fair, bright morning when I went to call on +a prominent practitioner here in New York, whom I shall denominate as +Doctor X. I had a pain. I had had it for days. It was not a dependable, +locatable pain, such as a tummyache or a toothache is, which you can +put your hand on; but an indefinite, unsettled, undecided kind of pain, +which went wandering about from place to place inside of me like a +strange ghost lost in Cudjo's Cave. I never knew until then what the +personal sensations of a haunted house are. If only the measly thing +could have made up its mind to settle down somewhere and start light +housekeeping I think should have been better satisfied. I never had such +an uneasy tenant. Alongside of it a woman with the moving fever would be +comparatively a fixed and stationary object. + +Having always, therefore, enjoyed perfectly riotous and absolutely +unbridled health, never feeling weak and distressed unless dinner +happened to be ten or fifteen minutes late, I was green regarding +physicians and the ways of physicians. But I knew Doctor X slightly, +having met him last summer in one of his hours of ease in the grand +stand at a ball game, when he was expressing a desire to cut the +umpire's throat from ear to ear, free of charge; and I remembered his +name, and remembered, too, that he had impressed me at the time as being +a person of character and decision and scholarly attainments. + +He wore whiskers. Somehow in my mind whiskers are ever associated +with medical skill. I presume this is a heritage of my youth, though I +believe others labor under the same impression. + +As I look back it seems to me that in childhood's days all the doctors +in our town wore whiskers. + +I recall one old doctor down there in Kentucky who was practically +lurking in ambush all the time. All he needed was a few decoys out in +front of him and a pump gun to be a duck blind. He carried his calomel +about with him in a fruit jar, and when there was cutting job he +stropped his scalpel on his bootleg. + +You see, in those primitive times germs had not been invented yet, and +so he did not have to take any steps to avoid them. Now we know that +loose, luxuriant whiskers are unsanitary, because they make such fine +winter quarters for germs; so, though the doctors still wear whiskers, +they do not wear them wild and waving. In the profession bosky whiskers +are taboo; they must be landscaped. And since it is a recognized fact +that germs abhor orderliness and straight lines they now go elsewhere to +reside, and the doctor may still retain his traditional aspect and yet +be practically germproof. Doctor X was trimmed in accordance with the +ethics of the newer school. He had trellis whiskers. So I went to see +him at his offices in a fashionable district, on an expensive side +street. + +Before reaching him I passed through the hands of a maid and a nurse, +each of whom spoke to me in a low, sorrowful tone of voice, which seemed +to indicate that there was very little hope. + +I reached an inner room where Doctor X was. He looked me over, while I +described for him as best I could what seemed to be the matter with +me, and asked me a number of intimate questions touching on the lives, +works, characters and peculiarities of my ancestors; after which he +made me stand up in front of him and take my coat off, and he punched +me hither and yon with his forefinger. He also knocked repeatedly on my +breastbone with his knuckles, and each time, on doing this, would apply +his ear to my chest and listen intently for a spell, afterward shaking +his head in a disappointed way. Apparently there was nobody at home. For +quite a time he kept on knocking, but without getting any response. + +He then took my temperature and fifteen dollars, and said it was an +interesting case--not unusual exactly, but interesting--and that it +called for an operation. + +From the way my heart and other organs jumped inside of me at that +statement I knew at once that, no matter what he may have thought, the +premises were not unoccupied. Naturally I inquired how soon he meant +to operate. Personally I trusted there was no hurry about it. I was +perfectly willing to wait for several years, if necessary. He smiled at +my ignorance. + +"I never operate," he said; "operating is entirely out of my line. I am +a diagnostician." + +He was, too--I give him full credit for that. He was a good, keen, close +diagnostician. How did he know I had only fifteen dollars on me? You +did not have to tell this man what you had, or how much. He knew without +being told. + +I asked whether he was acquainted with Doctor Y--Y being a person whom I +had met casually at a club to which I belong. Oh, yes, he said, he +knew Doctor Y. Y was a clever man, X said--very, very clever; but Y +specialized in the eyes, the ears, the nose and the throat. I gathered +from what Doctor X said that any time Doctor Y ventured below the thorax +he was out of bounds and liable to be penalized; and that if by any +chance he strayed down as far as the lungs he would call for help and +back out as rapidly as possible. + +This was news to me. It would appear that these up-to-date practitioners +just go ahead and divide you up and partition you out among themselves +without saying anything to you about it. Your torso belongs to one man +and your legs are the exclusive property of his brother practitioner +down on the next block, and so on. You may belong to as many as half a +dozen specialists, most of whom, very possibly, are total strangers to +you, and yet never know a thing about it yourself. + +It has rather the air of trespass--nay, more than that, it bears some +of the aspects of unlawful entry--but I suppose it is legal. Certainly, +judging by what I am able to learn, the system is being carried on +generally. So it must be ethical. Anything doctors do in a mass is +ethical. Almost anything they do singly and on individual responsibility +is unethical. Being ethical among doctors is practically the same thing +as being a Democrat in Texas or a Presbyterian in Scotland. + +"Y will never do for you," said Doctor X, when I had rallied somewhat +from the shock of these disclosures. "I would suggest that you go to +Doctor Z, at such-and-such an address. You are exactly in Z's line. I'll +let him know that you are coming and when, and I'll send him down my +diagnosis." + +So that same afternoon, the appointment having been made by telephone, +I went, full of quavery emotions, to Doctor Z's place. As soon as I was +inside his outer hallway, I realized that I was nearing the presence of +one highly distinguished in his profession. + +A pussy-footed male attendant, in a livery that made him look like a +cross between a headwaiter and an undertaker's assistant, escorted me +through an anteroom into a reception-room, where a considerable number +of well-dressed men and women were sitting about in strained attitudes, +pretending to read magazines while they waited their turns, but in +reality furtively watching one another. + +I sat down in a convenient chair, adhering fast to my hat and my +umbrella. They were the only friends I had there and I was determined +not to lose them without a struggle. On the wall were many colored +charts showing various portions of the human anatomy and what ailed +them. Directly in front of me was a very thrilling illustration, +evidently copied from an oil painting, of a liver in a bad state of +repair. I said to myself that if I had a liver like that one I should +keep it hidden from the public eye--I would never permit it to sit for +it's portrait. Still, there is no accounting for tastes. I know a man +who got his spleen back from the doctors and now keeps it in a bottle +of alcohol on the what-not in the parlor, as one of his most treasured +possessions, and sometimes shows it to visitors. He, however, is of a +very saving disposition. + +Presently a lady secretary, who sat behind a roll-top desk in a corner +of the room, lifted a forefinger and silently beckoned me to her side. I +moved over and sat down by her; she took down my name and my age and my +weight and my height, and a number of other interesting facts that +will come in very handy should anyone ever be moved to write a complete +history of my early life. In common with Doctor X she shared +one attribute--she manifested a deep curiosity regarding my +forefathers--wanted to know all about them. I felt that this was +carrying the thing too far. I felt like saying to her: + +"Miss or madam, so far as I know there is nothing the matter with my +ancestors of the second and third generations back, except that they +are dead. I am not here to seek medical assistance for a grandparent who +succumbed to disappointment that time when Samuel J. Tilden got counted +out, or for a great-grandparent who entered into Eternal Rest very +unexpectedly and in a manner entirely uncalled for as a result of being +an innocent bystander in one of those feuds that were so popular in my +native state immediately following the Mexican War. Leave my ancestors +alone. There is no need of your shaking my family tree in the belief +that a few overripe patients will fall out. I alone--I, me, myself--am +the present candidate!" + +However, I refrained from making this protest audibly. I judged she was +only going according to the ritual; and as she had a printed card, with +blanks in it ready to be filled out with details regarding the remote +members of the family connection, I humored her along. + +When I could not remember something she wished to know concerning an +ancestor I supplied her with thrilling details culled from the field of +fancy. When the card was entirely filled up she sent me back to my old +place to wait. I waited and waited, breeding fresh ailments all the +time. I had started out with one symptom; now if I had one I had a +million and a half. I could feel goose flesh sprouting out all over me. +If I had been taller I might have had more, but not otherwise. Such is +the power of the human imagination when the surroundings are favorable +to its development. + +Time passed; to me it appeared that nearly all the time there was passed +and that we were getting along toward the shank-end of the Christian era +mighty fast. I was afraid my turn would come next and afraid it would +not. Perhaps you know this sensation. You get it at the dentist's, and +when you are on the list of after-dinner speakers at a large banquet, +and when you are waiting for the father of the Only Girl in the World +to make up his mind whether he is willing to try to endure you as a +son-in-law. + +Then some more time passed. + +One by one my companions, obeying a command, passed out through the door +at the back, vanishing out of my life forever. None of them returned. I +was vaguely wondering whether Doctor Z buried his dead on the premises +or had them removed by a secret passageway in the rear, when a young +woman in a nurse's costume tapped me on the shoulder from behind. + +I jumped. She hid a compassionate smile with her hand and told me that +the doctor would see me now. + +As I rose to follow her--still clinging with the drowning man's grip +of desperation to my hat and my umbrella--I was astonished to note by a +glance at the calendar on the wall that this was still the present date. +I thought it would be Thursday of next week at the very least. + +Doctor Z also wore whiskers, carefully pointed up by an expert hedge +trimmer. He sat at his desk, surrounded by freewill offerings from +grateful patients and by glass cases containing other things he had +taken away from them when they were not in a condition to object. I +had expected, after all the preliminary ceremonies and delays, that +we should have a long skance together. Not so; not at all. The modern +expert in surgery charges as much for remembering your name between +visits as the family doctor used to expect for staying up all night with +you, but he does not waste any time when you are in his presence. + +I was about to find that out. And a little later on I was to find out a +lot of other things; in fact, that whole week was of immense educational +value to me. + +I presume it was because he stood high in his profession, and was almost +constantly engaged in going into the best society that Doctor Z did not +appear to be the least bit excited over my having picked him out to +look into me. In the most perfunctory manner he shook the hand that has +shaken the hands of Jess Willard, George M. Cohan and Henry Ford, and +bade me be seated in a chair which was drawn up in a strong light, where +he might gaze directly at me as we conversed and so get the full values +of the composition. But if I was a treat for him to look at he concealed +his feelings very effectually. + +He certainly had his emotions under splendid control. But then, +of course, you must remember that he probably had traveled about +extensively and was used to sight-seeing. + +From this point on everything passed off in a most businesslike manner. +He reached into a filing cabinet and took out an exhibit, which I +recognized as the same one his secretary had filled out in the early +part of the century. So I was already in the card-index class. Then +briefly he looked over the manifest that Doctor X had sent him. It +may not have been a manifest--it may have been an invoice or a bill of +lading. Anyhow I was in the assignee's hands. I could only hope it would +not eventually become necessary to call in a receiver. Then he spoke: + +"Yes, yes-yes," he said; "yes-yes-yes! Operation required. Small +matter--hum, hum! Let's see--this is Tuesday? Quite so. Do it Friday! +Friday at"--he glanced toward a scribbled pad of engagement dates at his +elbow--"Friday at seven A. M. No, make it seven-fifteen. Have important +tumor case at seven. St. Germicide's Hospital. You know the place--up on +Umpty-umph Street. Go' day! Miss Whoziz, call next visitor." + +And before I realized that practically the whole affair had been settled +I was outside the consultation-room in a small private hall, and the +secretary was telling me further details would be conveyed to me by +mail. I went home in a dazed state. For the first time I was beginning +to learn something about an industry in which heretofore I had never +been interested. Especially was I struck by the difference now revealed +to me in the preliminary stages of the surgeons' business as compared +with their fellow experts in the allied cutting trades--tailors, for +instance, not to mention barbers. Every barber, you know, used to be a +surgeon, only he spelled it chirurgeon. Since then the two professions +have drifted far apart. Even a half-witted barber--the kind who always +has the first chair as you come into the shop--can easily spend ten +minutes of your time thinking of things he thinks you should have and +mentioning them to you one by one, whereas any good, live surgeon knows +what you have almost instantly. + +As for the tailor--consider how wearisome are his methods when you +parallel them alongside the tremendous advances in this direction made +by the surgeon--how cumbersome and old-fashioned and tedious! Why, an +experienced surgeon has you all apart in half the time the tailor takes +up in deciding whether the vest shall fasten with five buttons or six. +Our own domestic tailors are bad enough in this regard and the Old World +tailors are even worse. + +I remember a German tailor in Aix-la-Chapelle in the fall of 1914 who +undertook to build for me a suit suitable for visiting the battle lines +informally. He was the most literary tailor I ever met anywhere. He +would drape the material over my person and then take a piece of chalk +and write quite a nice long piece on me. Then he would rub it out and +write it all over again, but more fully. He kept this up at intervals of +every other day until he had writer's cramp. After that he used pins. He +would pin the seams together, uttering little soothing, clucking sounds +in German whenever a pin went through the goods and into me. The German +cluck is not so soothing as the cluck of the English-speaking peoples, I +find. + +At the end of two long and trying weeks, which wore both of us down +noticeably, he had the job done. It was not an unqualified success. He +regarded is as a suit of clothes, but I knew better; it was a set of +slip covers, and if only I had been a two-seated runabout it would have +proved a perfect fit, I am sure; but I am a single-seated design and it +did not answer. I wore it to the war because I had nothing else to wear +that would stamp me as a regular war correspondent, except, of course, +my wrist watch; but I shall not wear it to another war. War is terrible +enough already; and, besides, I have parted with it. On my way home +through Holland I gave that suit to a couple of poor Belgian refugees, +and I presume they are still wearing it. + +So far as I have been able to observe, the surgeons and the tailors of +these times share but one common instinct: If you go to a new surgeon or +to a new tailor he is morally certain, after looking you over, that +the last surgeon you had or the last tailor, did not do your cutting +properly. There, however, is where the resemblance ends. The tailor, as +I remarked in effect just now, wants an hour at least in which to decide +how he may best cover up and disguise the irregularities of the human +form; in much less time than that the surgeon has completely altered the +form itself. + +With the surgeon it is very much as it is with those learned men +who write those large, impressive works of reference which should be +permanently in every library, and which we are forever buying from an +agent because we are so passionately addicted to payments. If the thing +he seeks does not appear in the contents proper he knows exactly where +to look for it. "See appendix," says the historian to you in a footnote. +"See appendix," says the surgeon to himself, the while humming a cheery +refrain. And so he does. + +Well, I went home. This was Tuesday and the operation was not to be +performed until the coming Friday. By Wednesday I had calmed down +considerably. By Thursday morning I was practically normal again as +regards my nerves. You will understand that I was still in a blissful +state of ignorance concerning the actual methods of the surgical +profession as exemplified by its leading exponents of today. The +knowledge I have touched on in the pages immediately preceding was to +come to me later. + +Likewise Doctor Z's manner had been deceiving. It could not be that he +meant to carve me to any really noticeable extent--his attitude had been +entirely too casual. At our house carving is a very serious matter. Any +time I take the head of the table and start in to carve it is fitting +women and children get to a place of safety, and onlookers should get +under the table. When we first began housekeeping and gave our first +small dinner-party we had a brace of ducks cooked in honor of the +company, and I, as host, undertook to carve them. I never knew until +then that a duck was built like a watch--that his works were inclosed in +a burglarproof case. Without the use of dynamite the Red Leary-O'Brien +gang could not have broken into those ducks. I thought so then and I +think so yet. Years have passed since then, but I may state that even +now, when there are guests for dinner, we do not have ducks. Unless +somebody else is going to carve, we have liver. + +I mention this fact in passing because it shows that I had learned to +revere carving as one of the higher arts, and one not to be approached +except in a spirit of due appreciation of the magnitude of the +undertaking, and after proper consideration and thought and reflection, +and all that sort of thing. + +If this were true as regards a mere duck, why not all the more so as +regards the carving of a person of whom I am so very fond as I am of +myself? Thus I reasoned. And finally, had not Doctor Z spoken of the +coming operation as a small matter? Well then? + +Thursday at noon I received from Doctor Z's secretary a note stating +that arrangements had been made for my admission into St. Germicide that +same evening and that I was to spend the night there. This hardly seemed +necessary. Still, the tone of the note appeared to indicate that the +hospital authorities particularly wished to have me for an overnight +guest; and as I reflected that probably the poor things had few enough +bright spots in their busy lives, I decided I would humor them along and +gladden the occasion with my presence from dinner-time on. + +About eight o'clock I strolled in very jauntily. In my mind I had the +whole programme mapped out. I would stay at the hospital for, say, two +days following the operation--or, at most, three. Then I must be up and +away. I had a good deal of work to do and a number of people to see on +important business, and I could not really afford to waste more than a +weekend on the staff of St. Germicide's. After Monday they must look to +their own devices for social entertainment. That was my idea. Now when +I look back on it I laugh, but it is a hollow laugh and there is no real +merriment in it. + +Indeed, almost from the moment of my entrance little things began +to come up that were calculated to have a depressing effect on one's +spirits. Downstairs a serious-looking lady met me and entered in a book +a number of salient facts regarding my personality which the previous +investigators had somehow overlooked. There is a lot of bookkeeping +about an operation. This detail attended to, a young man, dressed in +white garments and wearing an expression that stamped him as one who had +suffered a recent deep bereavement came and relieved me of my hand bag +and escorted me upstairs. + +As we passed through the upper corridors I had my first introduction +to the hospital smell, which is a smell compounded of iodoform, ether, +gruel, and something boiling. All hospitals have it, I understand. In +time you get used to it, but you never really care for it. + +The young man led me into a small room tastefully decorated with four +walls, a floor, a ceiling, a window sill and a window, a door and a +doorsill, and a bed and a chair. He told me to go to bed. I did not want +to go to bed--it was not my regular bedtime--but he made a point of it, +and I judged it was according to regulations; so I undressed and put on +my night clothes and crawled in. He left me, taking my other clothes and +my shoes with him, but I was not allowed to get lonely. + +A little later a ward surgeon appeared, to put a few inquiries of a +pointed and personal nature. He particularly desired to know what my +trouble was. I explained to him that I couldn't tell him--he would have +to see Doctor X or Doctor Z; they probably knew, but were keeping it a +secret between themselves. + +The answer apparently satisfied him, because immediately after that he +made me sign a paper in which I assumed all responsibility for what was +to take place the next morning. + +This did not seem exactly fair. As I pointed out to him, it was the +surgeon's affair, not mine; and if the surgeon made a mistake the joke +would be on him and not on me, because in that case I would not be here +anyhow. But I signed, as requested, on the dotted line, and he departed. + +After that, at intervals, the chief house surgeon dropped in, without +knocking, and the head nurse came, and an interne or so, and a ward +nurse, and the special nurse who was to have direct charge of me. It +dawned on me that I was not having any more privacy in that hospital +than a goldfish. + +About eleven o'clock an orderly came, and, without consulting my wishes +in the matter, he undressed me until I could have passed almost anywhere +for September Morn's father, and gave me a clean shave, twice over, on +one of my most prominent plane surfaces. I must confess I enjoyed that +part of it. So far as I am able to recall, it was the only shave I +have ever had where the operator did not spray me with cheap perfumery +afterward and then try to sell me a bottle of hair tonic. + +Having shaved me, the young man did me up amidships in a neat cloth +parcel, took his kit under his arm and went away. + +It occurred to me that, considering the trivial nature of the case, a +good deal of fuss was being made over me by persons who could have no +personal concern in the matter whatsoever. This thought recurred to me +frequently as I lay there all tied in a bundle like a week's washing. I +did not feel quite so uppish as I had felt. Why was everybody picking on +me? + +Anon I slept, but dreamed fitfully. I dreamed that a whole flock of +surgeons came to my bedside and charted me out in sections, like one +of those diagram pictures you see of a beef in the Handy Compendium of +Universal Knowledge, showing the various cuts and the butcher's pet name +for each cut. Each man took his favorite joint and carried it away, +and when they were all gone I was merely a recent site, full of +reverberating echoes and nothing else. + +I have had happier dreams in my time; this was not the kind of dream I +should have selected had the choice been left to me. + +When I woke the young sun was shining in at the window, and an +orderly--not the orderly who had shaved me, but another one--was there +in my room and my nurse was waiting outside the door. The orderly +dressed me in a quaint suit of pyjamas cut on the half shell and +buttoning stylishly in the back, princesse mode. Then he rolled in a +flat litter on wheels and stretched me on it, and covered me up with a +white tablecloth, just as though I had been cold Sunday-night supper, +and we started for the operating-room at the top of the building; but +before we started I lit a large black cigar, as Gen. U. S. Grant used to +do when he went into battle. I wished by this to show how indifferent I +was. Maybe he fooled somebody, but I do not believe I possess the same +powers of simulation that Grant had. He must have been a very remarkable +man--Grant must. + +The orderly and the nurse trundled me out into the hall and loaded me +into an elevator, which was to carry us up to the top of the hospital. +Several other nurses were already in the elevator. As we came aboard one +of them remarked that it was a fine day. A fine day for what? She did +not finish the sentence. + +Everybody wore a serious look. Inside of myself I felt pretty serious +too--serious enough for ten or twelve. I had meant to fling off several +very bright, spontaneous quips on the way to the table. I thought them +out in advance, but now, somehow, none of them seemed appropriate. +Instinctively, as it were, I felt that humor was out of place here. + +I never knew an elevator to progress from the third floor of a building +to the ninth with such celerity as this one on which we were traveling +progressed. Personally I was in no mood for haste. If there was anyone +else in all that great hospital who was in a particular hurry to be +operated on I was perfectly willing to wait. But alas, no! The mechanism +of the elevator was in perfect order--entirely too perfect. No accident +of any character whatsoever befell us en route, no dropping back into +the basement with a low, grateful thud; no hitch; no delay of any kind. +We were certainly out of luck that trip. The demon of a joyrider who +operated the accursed device jerked a lever and up we soared at a +distressingly high rate of speed. If I could have had my way about that +youth he would have been arrested for speeding. + +Now we were there! They rolled into a large room, all white, with a +rounded ceiling like the inside of an egg. Right away I knew what the +feelings of a poor, lonely little yolk are when the spoon begins to chip +the shell. If I had not been so busy feeling sorry for myself I think I +might have developed quite an active sympathy for yolks. + +My impression had been that this was to be in the nature of a private +affair, without invitations. I was astonished to note that quite a crowd +had assembled for the opening exercises. From his attire and general +deportment I judged that Doctor Z was going to be the master of the +revels, he being attired appropriately in a white domino, with rubber +gloves and a fancy cap of crash toweling. There were present, also, +my diagnostic friend, Doctor X, likewise in fancy-dress costume, and a +surgeon I had never met. From what I could gather he was going over the +course behind Doctor Z to replace the divots. + +And there was an interne in the background, playing caddy, as it were, +and a head nurse, who was going to keep the score, and two other nurses, +who were going to help her keep it. I only hoped that they would show no +partiality, but be as fair to me as they were to Doctor Z, and that he +would go round in par. + +So they placed me right where my eyes might rest on a large wall cabinet +full of very shiny-looking tools; and they took my cigar away from me +and folded my hands on the wide bowknot of my sash. Then they put a +cloth dingus over my face and a voice of authority told me to breathe. +That advice, however, was superfluous and might just as well have +been omitted, for such was my purpose anyhow. Ever since I can recall +anything at all, breathing has been a regular habit with me. So I +breathed. And, at that, a bottle of highly charged sarsaparilla exploded +somewhere in the immediate vicinity and most of its contents went up my +nose. + +I started to tell them that somebody had been fooling with their ether +and adulterating it, and that if they thought they could send me off to +sleep with soda pop they were making the mistake of their lives, because +it just naturally could not be done; but for some reason or other +I decided to put off speaking about the matter for a few minutes. I +breathed again--again--agai---- + +I was going away from there. I was in a large gas balloon, soaring up +into the clouds. How pleasant!... No, by Jove! I was not in a balloon--I +myself was the balloon, which was not quite so pleasant. Besides, Doctor +Z was going along as a passenger; and as we traveled up and up he kept +jabbing me in the midriff with the ferrule of a large umbrella which +he had brought along with him in case of rain. He jabbed me harder and +harder. I remonstrated with him. I told him I was a bit tender in that +locality and the ferrule of his umbrella was sharp. He would not listen. +He kept on jabbing me. + +Something broke! We started back down to earth. We fell faster and +faster. We fell nine miles, and after that I began to get used to it. +Then I saw the earth beneath and it was rising up to meet us. + +A town was below--a town that grew larger and larger as we neared it. +I could make out the bonded indebtedness, and the Carnegie Library, +and the moving-picture palaces, and the new dancing parlor, and other +principal points of interest. + +At the rate we were falling we were certainly going to make an awful +splatter in that town when we hit. I was sorry for the street-cleaning +department. + +We fell another half mile or so. A spire was sticking up into the sky +directly beneath us, like a spear, to impale us. By a supreme effort I +twisted out of the way of that spire, only to strike squarely on top of +the roof of a greenhouse back of the parsonage, next door. We crashed +through it with a perfectly terrific clatter of breaking glass and +landed in a bed of white flowers, all soft and downy, like feathers. + +And then Doctor Z stood up and combed the debris out of his whiskers +and remarked that, taking it by and large, it had been one of the +pleasantest little outings he had enjoyed in the entire course of his +practice. He said that as a patient I was fair, but as a balloon I was +immense. He asked me whether I had seen anything of his umbrella and +began looking round for it. I tried to help him look, but I was too +tired to exert myself much. I told him I believed I would take a little +nap. + +I opened a dizzy eye part way. So this was heaven--this white expanse +that swung and swam before my languid gaze? No, it could not be--it did +not smell like heaven. It smelled like a hospital. It was a hospital. It +was my hospital. My nurse was bending over me and I caught a faint whiff +of the starch in the front of her crisp blue blouse. She was two-headed +for the moment, but that was a mere detail. She settled a pillow under +my head and told me to lie quiet. + +I meant to lie quiet; I did not have to be told. I wanted to lie quiet +and hurt. I was hurty from head to toe and back again, and crosswise and +cater-cornered. I hurt diagonally and lengthwise and on the bias. I had +a taste in my mouth like a bird-and-animal store. And empty! It seemed +to me those doctors had not left anything inside of me except the +acoustics. Well, there was a mite of consolation there. If the +overhauling had been as thorough as I had reason to believe it was from +my present sensations, I need never fear catching anything again so long +as I lived, except possibly dandruff. + +I waved the nurse away. I craved solitude. I desired only to lie there +in that bed and hurt--which I did. + +I had said beforehand I meant to stay in St. Germicide's for two or +three days only. It is when I look back on that resolution I emit the +hollow laugh elsewhere referred to. For exactly four weeks I was flat +on my back. I know now how excessively wearied a man can get of his own +back, how tired of it, how bored with it! And after that another two +weeks elapsed before my legs became the same dependable pair of legs I +had known in the past. + +I did not want to eat at first, and when I did begin to want to they +would not let me. If I felt sort of peckish they let me suck a +little glass thermometer, but there is not much nourishment really in +thermometers. And for entertainment, to wile the dragging hours away, +I could count the cracks in the ceiling and read my temperature chart, +which was a good deal like Red Ames' batting average for the past +season--ranging from ninety-nine to one hundred and four. + +Also, through daily conversations with my nurse and with the surgeons +who dropped in from time to time to have a look at me, I learned, as I +lay there, a great deal about the medical profession--that is, a +great deal for a layman--and what I learned filled me with an abiding +admiration for it, both as a science and as a business. This surely is +one profession which ever keeps its face to the front. Burying its past +mistakes and forgetting them as speedily as possible, it pushes straight +forward into fresh fields and fresh patients, always hopeful of what +the future may bring in the way of newly discovered and highly expensive +ailments. As we look backward upon the centuries we are astonished +by its advancement. I did a good deal of looking backwards upon the +centuries during my sojourn at St. Germicide's. + +Take the Middle Ages now--the period when a barber and a surgeon were +one and the same. If a man made a failure as a barber he turned his +talents to surgery. Surgeons in those times were a husky breed. I judge +they worked by the day instead of by piecework; anyhow the records show +they were very fond of experiments where somebody else furnished the raw +material. + +When there came a resounding knock at the tradesman's entrance of the +moated grange, the lord of the manor, looking over the portcullis and +seeing a lusty wight standing down below, in a leather apron, with his +sleeves rolled up and a kit of soldering tools under his arm, didn't +know until he made inquiry whether the gentle stranger had come to mend +the drain or remove the cook's leg. + +A little later along, when gunpowder had come into general use as a +humanizing factor of civilization, surgeons treated a gunshot wound by +pouring boiling lard into it, which I would say was calculated to take +the victim's mind off his wound and give him something else to think +about--for the time being, anyhow. I assume the notion of applying a +mustard plaster outside one's stomach when one has a pain inside one's +stomach is based on the same principle. + +However, one doesn't have to go clear back to medieval times to note the +radical differences in the plan of treating human ailments. A great +many persons who are still living can remember when the doctors were +not nearly so numerous as they are now. I, for one, would be the last to +reverse the sentence and say that because the doctors were not nearly +so numerous then as they are now, those persons are still living so +numerously. + +In the spring of the year, when the sap flowed and the birds mated, the +sturdy farmer felt that he was due to have something the matter with +him, too. So he would ride into the country-seat and get an almanac. +Doubtless the reader, if country raised, has seen copies of this popular +work. On the outside cover, which was dark blue in color, there was +a picture of a person whose stomach was sliced four ways, like a +twenty-cent pie, and then folded back neatly, thus exposing his entire +interior arrangements to the gaze of the casual observer. However, this +party, judging by his picture, did not appear to be suffering. He did +not even seem to fear that he might catch cold from standing there in +his own draught. He was gazing off into space in an absent-minded kind +of way, apparently not aware that anything was wrong with him; and on +all sides he was surrounded by interesting exhibits, such as a crab, and +a scorpion, and a goat, and a chap with a bow and arrow--and one thing +and another. + +Such was the main design of the cover, while the contents were made up +of recognized and standard varieties in the line of jokes and the line +of diseases which alternated, with first a favorite joke and then a +favorite disease. The author who wrote the descriptions of the diseases +was one of the most convincing writers that ever lived anywhere. As a +realist he had no superiors among those using our language as a vehicle +for the expression of thought. He was a wonder. If a person wasn't +particular about what ailed him he could read any page at random and +have one specific disease. Or he could read the whole book through and +have them all, in their most advanced stages. Then the only thing that +could save him was a large dollar bottle. + +Again, in attacks of the breakbone ague or malaria it was customary +to call in a local practitioner, generally an elderly lady of the +neighborhood who had none of these latter-day prejudices regarding the +use of tobacco by the gentler sex. One whom I distantly recall, among +childhood's happy memories, carried this liberal-mindedness to a point +where she not only dipped snuff and smoked a cob pipe, but sometimes +chewed a little natural leaf. This lady, on being called in, would brew +up a large caldron of medicinal roots and barks and sprouts and things; +and then she would deluge the interior of the sufferer with a large +gourdful of this pleasing mixture at regular intervals. It was +efficacious, too. The inundated person either got well or else he +drowned from the inside. Rocking the patient was almost as dangerous a +pastime as rocking the boat. This also helps to explain, I think, why so +many of our forebears had floating kidneys. There was nothing else for a +kidney to do. + +By the time I attained to long trousers, people in our town mainly had +outgrown the unlicensed expert and were depending more and more upon the +old-fashioned family doctor--the one with the whisker-jungle--who drove +about in a gig, accompanied by a haunting aroma of iodoform and carrying +his calomel with him in bulk. + +He probably owned a secret calomel mine of his own. He must have; +otherwise he could never have afforded to be so generous with it. He +also had other medicines with him, all of them being selected on the +principle that unless a drug tasted like the very dickens it couldn't +possibly do you any good. At all hours of the day and night he was to +be seen going to and fro, distributing nuggets from his private lode. He +went to bed with his trousers and his hat on, I think, and there was a +general belief that his old mare slept between the shafts of the gig, +with the bridle shoved up on her forehead. + +It has been only a few years since the oldtime general practitioner was +everywhere. Just look round and see now how the system has changed! If +your liver begins to misconduct itself the first thought of the modern +operator is to cut it out and hide it some place where you can't find +it. The oldtimer would have bombarded it with a large brunette pill +about the size and color of a damson plum. Or he might put you on a +diet of molasses seasoned to taste with blue mass and quinine and other +attractive condiments. Likewise, in the spring of the year he frequently +anointed the young of the species with a mixture of mutton suet and +asafetida. This treatment had an effect that was distinctly depressing +upon the growing boy. It militated against his popularity. It forced him +to seek his pleasures outdoors, and a good distance outdoors at that. + +It was very hard for a boy, however naturally attractive he might be, +to retain his popularity at the fireside circle when coated with +mutton suet and asafetida and then taken into a warm room. He attracted +attention which he did not court and which was distasteful to him. +Keeping quiet did not seem to help him any. Even if they had been +blindfolded others would still have felt his presence. A civit-cat +suffers from the same drawbacks in a social way, but the advantage to +the civit-cat is that as a general thing it associates only with other +civit-cats. + +Except in the country the old-time, catch-as-catch-can general +practitioner appears to be dying out. In the city one finds him +occasionally, playing a limit game in an office on a back street--two +dollars to come in, five to call; but the tendency of the day is toward +specialists. Hence the expert who treats you for just one particular +thing With a pain in your chest, say, you go to a chest specialist. So +long as he can keep the trouble confined to your chest, all well and +good. If it slips down or slides up he tries to coax it back to the +reservation. If it refuses to do so, he bids it an affectionate adieu, +makes a dotted mark on you to show where he left off, collects his +bill and regretfully turns you over to a stomach specialist or a throat +specialist, depending on the direction in which the trouble was headed +when last seen. + +Or, perhaps the specialist to whom you take your custom is an advocate +of an immediate operation for such cases as yours and all others. I +may be unduly sensitive on account of having recently emerged from the +surgeon's hands, but it strikes me now that there are an awful lot of +doctors who take one brief glance at a person who is complaining, and +say to themselves that here is something that ought to be looked into +right away--and immediately open a bag and start picking out the proper +utensils. You go into a doctor's office and tell him you do not feel +the best in the world--and he gives you a look and excuses himself, and +steps into the next room and begins greasing a saw. + +Mind you, in these casual observations as compiled by me while bedfast +and here given utterance, I am not seeking to disparage possibly the +noblest of professions. Lately I have owed much to it. I am strictly on +the doctor's side. He is with us when we come into the world and with +us when we go out of it, oftentimes lending a helping hand on both +occasions. Anyway, our sympathies should especially go out to the +medical profession at this particular time when the anti-vivisectionists +are railing so loudly against the doctors. The anti-vivisection crusade +has enlisted widely different classes in the community, including many +lovers of our dumb-animal pets--and aren't some of them the dumbest +things you ever saw!--especially chow dogs and love birds. + +I will admit there is something to be said on both sides of the +argument. This dissecting of live subjects may have been carried to +extremes on occasions. When I read in the medical journals that +the eminent Doctor Somebody succeeded in transferring the interior +department of a pelican to a pointer pup, and vice versa with such +success that the pup drowned while diving for minnows, and the pelican +went out in the back yard and barked himself to death baying at the +moon, I am interested naturally; but, possibly because of my ignorance, +I fail to see wherein the treatment of infantile paralysis has been +materially advanced. On the other hand I would rather the kind and +gentle Belgian hare should be offered up as a sacrifice upon the +operating table and leave behind him a large family of little Belgian +heirs and heiresses--dependent upon the charity of a cruel world--than +that I should have something painful which can be avoided through making +him a martyr. I would rather any white rabbit on earth should have the +Asiatic cholera twice than that I should have it just once. These are my +sincere convictions, and I will not attempt to disguise them. + +Thanks too, to medical science we know about germs and serums and diets +and all that. Our less fortunate ancestors didn't know about them. They +were befogged in ignorance. As recently as the generation immediately +preceding ours people were unacquainted with the simplest rules of +hygiene. They didn't care whether the housefly wiped his feet before +he came into the house or not. The gentleman with the drooping, +cream-separator mustache was at perfect liberty to use the common +drinking cup on the railroad train. The appendix lurked in its +snug retreat, undisturbed by the prying fingers of curiosity. The +fever-bearing skeeter buzzed and flitted, stinging where he pleased. The +germ theory was unfathomed. Suitable food for an invalid was anything +the invalid could afford to buy. Fresh air, and more especially fresh +night air, was regarded as dangerous, and people hermetically sealed +themselves in before retiring. Not daily as at present was the world +gladdened by the tidings that science had unearthed some new and +particularly unpleasant disease. It never occurred to a mother that she +should sterilize the slipper before spanking her offspring. Babies were +not reared antiseptically, but just so. Nobody was aware of microbes. + +In short, our sires and our grandsires abode in the midst of perils. +They were surrounded on all sides by things that are immediately fatal +to the human system. Not a single one of them had a right to pass his +second birthday. In the light of what we know, we realize that by now +this world should be but a barren waste dotted at frequent intervals +with large graveyards and populated only by a few dispossessed and +hungry bacteria, hanging over the cemetery fence singing: Driven From +Home! + +In the conditions generally prevalent up to twenty-five years ago, most +of us never had any license, really, to be born at all. Yet look how +many of us are now here. In this age of research I hesitate to attempt +to account for it, except on the entirely unscientific theory that what +you don't know doesn't hurt you. Doubtless a physician could give you a +better explanation, but his would cost you more than mine has. + +But we digress. Let us get back to our main subject, which is myself. I +shall never forget my first real meal in that hospital. There was quite +a good deal of talk about it beforehand. My nurse kept telling me that +on the next day the doctor had promised I might have something to eat. +I could hardly wait. I had visions of a tenderloin steak smothered in +fried onions, and some French-fried potatoes, and a tall table-limit +stack of wheat cakes, and a few other incidental comfits and kickshaws. +I could hardly wait for that meal. + +The next day came and she brought it to me, and I partook thereof. It +was the white of an egg. For dessert I licked a stamp; but this I did +clandestinely and by stealth, without saying anything about it to her. I +was not supposed to have any sweets. + +On the occasion of the next feast the diet was varied. I had a sip of +one of those fermented milk products. You probably know the sort of +thing I mean. Even before you've swallowed it, it tastes as though it +had already disagreed with you. The nurse said this food was predigested +but did not tell me by whom. Nor did I ask her. I started to, but +thought better of it. Sometimes one is all the happier for not knowing +too much. + +A little later on, seeing that I had not suffered an attack of +indigestion from this debauch, they gave me junket. In the dictionary I +have looked up the definitions of junket. I quote: + + JUNKET, v. I. t. To entertain by feasting; regale. II. i. To + give or take part in an entertainment or excursion; feast in + company; picnic; revel. + + JUNKET, n. A merry feast or excursion; picnic. + +When the author of a dictionary tries to be frivolous he only succeeds +in making himself appear foolish. + +I know not how it may be in the world at large, but in a hospital, +junket is a custard that by some subtle process has been denuded of +those ingredients which make a custard fascinating and exciting. It +tastes as though the eggs, which form its underlying basis, had been +laid in a fit of pique by a hen that was severely upset at the time. + +Hereafter when the junket is passed round somebody else may have my +share. I'll stick to the mince pie a la mode. And the first cigar of my +convalescence--ah, that, too, abides as a vivid memory! Dropping in +one morning to replace the wrappings Doctor Z said I might smoke in +moderation. So the nurse brought me a cigar, and I lit it and took one +deep puff; but only one. I laid it aside. I said to the nurse: + +"A mistake has been made here. I do not want a cooking cigar, you +understand. I desire a cigar for personal use. This one is full of herbs +and simples, I think. It suggests a New England boiled dinner, and not a +very good New England boiled dinner at that. Let us try again." + +She brought another cigar. It was not satisfactory either. Then she +showed me the box--an orthodox box containing cigars of a recognized and +previously dependable brand. I could only conclude that a root-and-herb +doctor had bought an interest in the business and was introducing his +own pet notions into the formula. + +But came a day--as the fancy writers say when they wish to convey the +impression that a day has come, but hate to do it in a commonplace +manner--came a day when my cigar tasted as a cigar should taste and food +had the proper relish to it; and my appetite came back again and found +the old home place not so greatly changed after all. + +And then shortly thereafter came another day, when I, all replete +with expensive stitches, might drape the customary habiliments of +civilization about my attenuated frame and go forth to mingle with my +fellow beings. I have been mingling pretty steadily ever since, for now +I have something to talk about--a topic good for any company; congenial, +an absorbing topic. + +I can spot a brother member a block away. I hasten up to him and give +him the grand hailing sign of the order. He opens his mouth to speak, +but I beat him to it. + +"Speaking of operations--" I say. And then I'm off. Believe me, it's the +life! + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's "Speaking of Operations--", by Irvin S. 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Cobb + + + + +Respectfully dedicated to two classes: + +Those who have already been operated on +Those who have not yet been operated on + + + +Now that the last belated bill for services professionally rendered +has been properly paid and properly receipted; now that the memory +of the event, like the mark of the stitches, has faded out from a +vivid red to a becoming pink shade; now that I pass a display of +adhesive tape in a drug-store window without flinching--I sit me +down to write a little piece about a certain matter--a small thing, +but mine own--to wit, That Operation. + +For years I have noticed that persons who underwent pruning or +remodeling at the hands of a duly qualified surgeon, and survived, +like to talk about it afterward. In the event of their not surviving +I have no doubt they still liked to talk about it, but in a different +locality. Of all the readily available topics for use, whether +among friends or among strangers, an operation seems to be the +handiest and most dependable. It beats the Tariff, or Roosevelt, +or Bryan, or when this war is going to end, if ever, if you are a +man talking to other men; and it is more exciting even than the +question of how Mrs. Vernon Castle will wear her hair this season, +if you are a woman talking to other women. + +For mixed companies a whale is one of the best and the easiest +things to talk about that I know of. In regard to whales and +their peculiarities you can make almost any assertion without fear +of successful contradiction. Nobody ever knows any more about +them than you do. You are not hampered by facts. If someone +mentions the blubber of the whale and you chime in and say it may +be noticed for miles on a still day when the large but emotional +creature has been moved to tears by some great sorrow coming into +its life, everybody is bound to accept the statement. For after +all how few among us really know whether a distressed whale sobs +aloud or does so under its breath? Who, with any certainty, can +tell whether a mother whale hatches her own egg her own self or +leaves it on the sheltered bosom of a fjord to be incubated by +the gentle warmth of the midnight sun? The possibilities of the +proposition for purposes of informal debate, pro and con, are +apparent at a glance. + +The weather, of course, helps out amazingly when you are meeting +people for the first time, because there is nearly always more or +less weather going on somewhere and practically everybody has ideas +about it. The human breakfast is also a wonderfully good topic +to start up during one of those lulls. Try it yourself the next +time the conversation seems to drag. Just speak up in an offhand +kind of way and say that you never care much about breakfast--a +slice of toast and a cup of weak tea start you off properly for +doing a hard day's work. You will be surprised to note how things +liven up and how eagerly all present join in. The lady on your +left feels that you should know she always takes two lumps of sugar +and nearly half cream, because she simply cannot abide hot milk, +no matter what the doctors say. The gentleman on your right will +be moved to confess he likes his eggs boiled for exactly three +minutes, no more and no less. Buckwheat cakes and sausage find a +champion and oatmeal rarely lacks a warm defender. + +But after all, when all is said and done, the king of all topics +is operations. Sooner or later, wherever two or more are gathered +together it is reasonably certain that somebody will bring up an +operation. + +Until I passed through the experience of being operated on myself, +I never really realized what a precious conversational boon the +subject is, and how great a part it plays in our intercourse with +our fellow beings on this planet. To the teller it is enormously +interesting, for he is not only the hero of the tale but the rest +of the cast and the stage setting as well--the whole show, as they +say; and if the listener has had a similar experience--and who is +there among us in these days that has not taken a nap 'neath the +shade of the old ether cone?--it acquires a doubled value. + +"Speaking of operations--" you say, just like that, even though +nobody present has spoken of them; and then you are off, with your +new acquaintance sitting on the edge of his chair, or hers as the +case may be and so frequently is, with hands clutched in polite +but painful restraint, gills working up and down with impatience, +eyes brightened with desire, tongue hung in the middle, waiting for +you to pause to catch your breath, so that he or she may break in +with a few personal recollections along the same line. From a mere +conversation it resolves itself into a symptom symposium, and a +perfectly splendid time is had by all. + +If an operation is such a good thing to talk about, why isn't it a +good thing to write about, too? That is what I wish to know. +Besides, I need the money. Verily, one always needs the money +when one has but recently escaped from the ministering clutches +of the modern hospital. Therefore I write. + +It all dates back to the fair, bright morning when I went to call +on a prominent practitioner here in New York, whom I shall denominate +as Doctor X. I had a pain. I had had it for days. It was not a +dependable, locatable pain, such as a tummyache or a toothache is, +which you can put your hand on; but an indefinite, unsettled, +undecided kind of pain, which went wandering about from place to +place inside of me like a strange ghost lost in Cudjo's Cave. I +never knew until then what the personal sensations of a haunted +house are. If only the measly thing could have made up its mind +to settle down somewhere and start light housekeeping I think +should have been better satisfied. I never had such an uneasy +tenant. Alongside of it a woman with the moving fever would be +comparatively a fixed and stationary object. + +Having always, therefore, enjoyed perfectly riotous and absolutely +unbridled health, never feeling weak and distressed unless dinner +happened to be ten or fifteen minutes late, I was green regarding +physicians and the ways of physicians. But I knew Doctor X slightly, +having met him last summer in one of his hours of ease in the grand +stand at a ball game, when he was expressing a desire to cut the +umpire's throat from ear to ear, free of charge; and I remembered +his name, and remembered, too, that he had impressed me at the +time as being a person of character and decision and scholarly +attainments. + +He wore whiskers. Somehow in my mind whiskers are ever associated +with medical skill. I presume this is a heritage of my youth, +though I believe others labor under the same impression. + +As I look back it seems to me that in childhood's days all the +doctors in our town wore whiskers. + +I recall one old doctor down there in Kentucky who was practically +lurking in ambush all the time. All he needed was a few decoys +out in front of him and a pump gun to be a duck blind. He carried +his calomel about with him in a fruit jar, and when there was +cutting job he stropped his scalpel on his bootleg. + +You see, in those primitive times germs had not been invented yet, +and so he did not have to take any steps to avoid them. Now we +know that loose, luxuriant whiskers are unsanitary, because they +make such fine winter quarters for germs; so, though the doctors +still wear whiskers, they do not wear them wild and waving. In +the profession bosky whiskers are taboo; they must be landscaped. +And since it is a recognized fact that germs abhor orderliness and +straight lines they now go elsewhere to reside, and the doctor may +still retain his traditional aspect and yet be practically germproof. +Doctor X was trimmed in accordance with the ethics of the newer +school. He had trellis whiskers. So I went to see him at his +offices in a fashionable district, on an expensive side street. + +Before reaching him I passed through the hands of a maid and a +nurse, each of whom spoke to me in a low, sorrowful tone of voice, +which seemed to indicate that there was very little hope. + +I reached an inner room where Doctor X was. He looked me over, +while I described for him as best I could what seemed to be the +matter with me, and asked me a number of intimate questions touching +on the lives, works, characters and peculiarities of my ancestors; +after which he made me stand up in front of him and take my coat +off, and he punched me hither and yon with his forefinger. He +also knocked repeatedly on my breastbone with his knuckles, and +each time, on doing this, would apply his ear to my chest and listen +intently for a spell, afterward shaking his head in a disappointed +way. Apparently there was nobody at home. For quite a time he +kept on knocking, but without getting any response. + +He then took my temperature and fifteen dollars, and said it was +an interesting case--not unusual exactly, but interesting--and +that it called for an operation. + +From the way my heart and other organs jumped inside of me at +that statement I knew at once that, no matter what he may have +thought, the premises were not unoccupied. Naturally I inquired +how soon he meant to operate. Personally I trusted there was no +hurry about it. I was perfectly willing to wait for several +years, if necessary. He smiled at my ignorance. + +"I never operate," he said; "operating is entirely out of my line. +I am a diagnostician." + +He was, too--I give him full credit for that. He was a good, +keen, close diagnostician. How did he know I had only fifteen +dollars on me? You did not have to tell this man what you had, +or how much. He knew without being told. + +I asked whether he was acquainted with Doctor Y--Y being a person +whom I had met casually at a club to which I belong. Oh, yes, he +said, he knew Doctor Y. Y was a clever man, X said--very, very +clever; but Y specialized in the eyes, the ears, the nose and the +throat. I gathered from what Doctor X said that any time Doctor Y +ventured below the thorax he was out of bounds and liable to be +penalized; and that if by any chance he strayed down as far as the +lungs he would call for help and back out as rapidly as possible. + +This was news to me. It would appear that these up-to-date +practitioners just go ahead and divide you up and partition you +out among themselves without saying anything to you about it. Your +torso belongs to one man and your legs are the exclusive property +of his brother practitioner down on the next block, and so on. +You may belong to as many as half a dozen specialists, most of +whom, very possibly, are total strangers to you, and yet never +know a thing about it yourself. + +It has rather the air of trespass--nay, more than that, it bears +some of the aspects of unlawful entry--but I suppose it is legal. +Certainly, judging by what I am able to learn, the system is being +carried on generally. So it must be ethical. Anything doctors +do in a mass is ethical. Almost anything they do singly and on +individual responsibility is unethical. Being ethical among doctors +is practically the same thing as being a Democrat in Texas or a +Presbyterian in Scotland. + +"Y will never do for you," said Doctor X, when I had rallied +somewhat from the shock of these disclosures. "I would suggest +that you go to Doctor Z, at such-and-such an address. You are +exactly in Z's line. I'll let him know that you are coming and +when, and I'll send him down my diagnosis." + +So that same afternoon, the appointment having been made by +telephone, I went, full of quavery emotions, to Doctor Z's place. +As soon as I was inside his outer hallway, I realized that I was +nearing the presence of one highly distinguished in his profession. + +A pussy-footed male attendant, in a livery that made him look like +a cross between a headwaiter and an undertaker's assistant, escorted +me through an anteroom into a reception-room, where a considerable +number of well-dressed men and women were sitting about in strained +attitudes, pretending to read magazines while they waited their +turns, but in reality furtively watching one another. + +I sat down in a convenient chair, adhering fast to my hat and my +umbrella. They were the only friends I had there and I was +determined not to lose them without a struggle. On the wall were +many colored charts showing various portions of the human anatomy +and what ailed them. Directly in front of me was a very thrilling +illustration, evidently copied from an oil painting, of a liver +in a bad state of repair. I said to myself that if I had a liver +like that one I should keep it hidden from the public eye--I would +never permit it to sit for it's portrait. Still, there is no +accounting for tastes. I know a man who got his spleen back from +the doctors and now keeps it in a bottle of alcohol on the what-not +in the parlor, as one of his most treasured possessions, and +sometimes shows it to visitors. He, however, is of a very saving +disposition. + +Presently a lady secretary, who sat behind a roll-top desk in a +corner of the room, lifted a forefinger and silently beckoned me +to her side. I moved over and sat down by her; she took down my +name and my age and my weight and my height, and a number of other +interesting facts that will come in very handy should anyone ever +be moved to write a complete history of my early life. In common +with Doctor X she shared one attribute--she manifested a deep +curiosity regarding my forefathers--wanted to know all about them. +I felt that this was carrying the thing too far. I felt like +saying to her: + +"Miss or madam, so far as I know there is nothing the matter with +my ancestors of the second and third generations back, except that +they are dead. I am not here to seek medical assistance for a +grandparent who succumbed to disappointment that time when Samuel +J. Tilden got counted out, or for a great-grandparent who entered +into Eternal Rest very unexpectedly and in a manner entirely +uncalled for as a result of being an innocent bystander in one of +those feuds that were so popular in my native state immediately +following the Mexican War. Leave my ancestors alone. There is +no need of your shaking my family tree in the belief that a few +overripe patients will fall out. I alone--I, me, myself--am the +present candidate!" + +However, I refrained from making this protest audibly. I judged +she was only going according to the ritual; and as she had a +printed card, with blanks in it ready to be filled out with details +regarding the remote members of the family connection, I humored +her along. + +When I could not remember something she wished to know concerning +an ancestor I supplied her with thrilling details culled from the +field of fancy. When the card was entirely filled up she sent me +back to my old place to wait. I waited and waited, breeding fresh +ailments all the time. I had started out with one symptom; now if +I had one I had a million and a half. I could feel goose flesh +sprouting out all over me. If I had been taller I might have had +more, but not otherwise. Such is the power of the human imagination +when the surroundings are favorable to its development. + +Time passed; to me it appeared that nearly all the time there was +passed and that we were getting along toward the shank-end of the +Christian era mighty fast. I was afraid my turn would come next +and afraid it would not. Perhaps you know this sensation. You +get it at the dentist's, and when you are on the list of after-dinner +speakers at a large banquet, and when you are waiting for the +father of the Only Girl in the World to make up his mind whether +he is willing to try to endure you as a son-in-law. + +Then some more time passed. + +One by one my companions, obeying a command, passed out through +the door at the back, vanishing out of my life forever. None of +them returned. I was vaguely wondering whether Doctor Z buried +his dead on the premises or had them removed by a secret passageway +in the rear, when a young woman in a nurse's costume tapped me +on the shoulder from behind. + +I jumped. She hid a compassionate smile with her hand and told +me that the doctor would see me now. + +As I rose to follow her--still clinging with the drowning man's +grip of desperation to my hat and my umbrella--I was astonished +to note by a glance at the calendar on the wall that this was +still the present date. I thought it would be Thursday of next +week at the very least. + +Doctor Z also wore whiskers, carefully pointed up by an expert +hedge trimmer. He sat at his desk, surrounded by freewill offerings +from grateful patients and by glass cases containing other things +he had taken away from them when they were not in a condition to +object. I had expected, after all the preliminary ceremonies and +delays, that we should have a long skance together. Not so; not +at all. The modern expert in surgery charges as much for remembering +your name between visits as the family doctor used to expect for +staying up all night with you, but he does not waste any time when +you are in his presence. + +I was about to find that out. And a little later on I was to find +out a lot of other things; in fact, that whole week was of immense +educational value to me. + +I presume it was because he stood high in his profession, and was +almost constantly engaged in going into the best society that Doctor +Z did not appear to be the least bit excited over my having picked +him out to look into me. In the most perfunctory manner he shook +the hand that has shaken the hands of Jess Willard, George M. Cohan +and Henry Ford, and bade me be seated in a chair which was drawn +up in a strong light, where he might gaze directly at me as we +conversed and so get the full values of the composition. But if +I was a treat for him to look at he concealed his feelings very +effectually. + +He certainly had his emotions under splendid control. But then, +of course, you must remember that he probably had traveled about +extensively and was used to sight-seeing. + +From this point on everything passed off in a most businesslike +manner. He reached into a filing cabinet and took out an exhibit, +which I recognized as the same one his secretary had filled out +in the early part of the century. So I was already in the card-index +class. Then briefly he looked over the manifest that Doctor X had +sent him. It may not have been a manifest--it may have been an +invoice or a bill of lading. Anyhow I was in the assignee's hands. +I could only hope it would not eventually become necessary to call +in a receiver. Then he spoke: + +"Yes, yes-yes," he said; "yes-yes-yes! Operation required. Small +matter--hum, hum! Let's see--this is Tuesday? Quite so. Do it +Friday! Friday at"--he glanced toward a scribbled pad of engagement +dates at his elbow--"Friday at seven A. M. No, make it seven-fifteen. +Have important tumor case at seven. St. Germicide's Hospital. +You know the place--up on Umpty-umph Street. Go' day! Miss Whoziz, +call next visitor." + +And before I realized that practically the whole affair had been +settled I was outside the consultation-room in a small private +hall, and the secretary was telling me further details would be +conveyed to me by mail. I went home in a dazed state. For the +first time I was beginning to learn something about an industry in +which heretofore I had never been interested. Especially was I +struck by the difference now revealed to me in the preliminary +stages of the surgeons' business as compared with their fellow +experts in the allied cutting trades--tailors, for instance, not +to mention barbers. Every barber, you know, used to be a surgeon, +only he spelled it chirurgeon. Since then the two professions +have drifted far apart. Even a half-witted barber--the kind who +always has the first chair as you come into the shop--can easily +spend ten minutes of your time thinking of things he thinks you +should have and mentioning them to you one by one, whereas any +good, live surgeon knows what you have almost instantly. + +As for the tailor--consider how wearisome are his methods when +you parallel them alongside the tremendous advances in this direction +made by the surgeon--how cumbersome and old-fashioned and tedious! +Why, an experienced surgeon has you all apart in half the time the +tailor takes up in deciding whether the vest shall fasten with +five buttons or six. Our own domestic tailors are bad enough in +this regard and the Old World tailors are even worse. + +I remember a German tailor in Aix-la-Chapelle in the fall of 1914 +who undertook to build for me a suit suitable for visiting the +battle lines informally. He was the most literary tailor I ever +met anywhere. He would drape the material over my person and +then take a piece of chalk and write quite a nice long piece on +me. Then he would rub it out and write it all over again, but +more fully. He kept this up at intervals of every other day until +he had writer's cramp. After that he used pins. He would pin the +seams together, uttering little soothing, clucking sounds in German +whenever a pin went through the goods and into me. The German +cluck is not so soothing as the cluck of the English-speaking +peoples, I find. + +At the end of two long and trying weeks, which wore both of us +down noticeably, he had the job done. It was not an unqualified +success. He regarded is as a suit of clothes, but I knew better; +it was a set of slip covers, and if only I had been a two-seated +runabout it would have proved a perfect fit, I am sure; but I am +a single-seated design and it did not answer. I wore it to the +war because I had nothing else to wear that would stamp me as a +regular war correspondent, except, of course, my wrist watch; but +I shall not wear it to another war. War is terrible enough already; +and, besides, I have parted with it. On my way home through Holland +I gave that suit to a couple of poor Belgian refugees, and I presume +they are still wearing it. + +So far as I have been able to observe, the surgeons and the tailors +of these times share but one common instinct: If you go to a new +surgeon or to a new tailor he is morally certain, after looking +you over, that the last surgeon you had or the last tailor, did +not do your cutting properly. There, however, is where the +resemblance ends. The tailor, as I remarked in effect just now, +wants an hour at least in which to decide how he may best cover +up and disguise the irregularities of the human form; in much less +time than that the surgeon has completely altered the form itself. + +With the surgeon it is very much as it is with those learned men +who write those large, impressive works of reference which should +be permanently in every library, and which we are forever buying +from an agent because we are so passionately addicted to payments. +If the thing he seeks does not appear in the contents proper he +knows exactly where to look for it. "See appendix," says the +historian to you in a footnote. "See appendix," says the surgeon +to himself, the while humming a cheery refrain. And so he does. + +Well, I went home. This was Tuesday and the operation was not +to be performed until the coming Friday. By Wednesday I had calmed +down considerably. By Thursday morning I was practically normal +again as regards my nerves. You will understand that I was still +in a blissful state of ignorance concerning the actual methods of +the surgical profession as exemplified by its leading exponents of +today. The knowledge I have touched on in the pages immediately +preceding was to come to me later. + +Likewise Doctor Z's manner had been deceiving. It could not be +that he meant to carve me to any really noticeable extent--his +attitude had been entirely too casual. At our house carving is +a very serious matter. Any time I take the head of the table and +start in to carve it is fitting women and children get to a place +of safety, and onlookers should get under the table. When we first +began housekeeping and gave our first small dinner-party we had +a brace of ducks cooked in honor of the company, and I, as host, +undertook to carve them. I never knew until then that a duck was +built like a watch--that his works were inclosed in a burglarproof +case. Without the use of dynamite the Red Leary-O'Brien gang could +not have broken into those ducks. I thought so then and I think +so yet. Years have passed since then, but I may state that even +now, when there are guests for dinner, we do not have ducks. +Unless somebody else is going to carve, we have liver. + +I mention this fact in passing because it shows that I had learned +to revere carving as one of the higher arts, and one not to be +approached except in a spirit of due appreciation of the magnitude +of the undertaking, and after proper consideration and thought and +reflection, and all that sort of thing. + +If this were true as regards a mere duck, why not all the more so +as regards the carving of a person of whom I am so very fond as I +am of myself? Thus I reasoned. And finally, had not Doctor Z +spoken of the coming operation as a small matter? Well then? + +Thursday at noon I received from Doctor Z's secretary a note stating +that arrangements had been made for my admission into St. Germicide +that same evening and that I was to spend the night there. This +hardly seemed necessary. Still, the tone of the note appeared to +indicate that the hospital authorities particularly wished to have +me for an overnight guest; and as I reflected that probably the poor +things had few enough bright spots in their busy lives, I decided +I would humor them along and gladden the occasion with my presence +from dinner-time on. + +About eight o'clock I strolled in very jauntily. In my mind I +had the whole programme mapped out. I would stay at the hospital +for, say, two days following the operation--or, at most, three. +Then I must be up and away. I had a good deal of work to do and +a number of people to see on important business, and I could not +really afford to waste more than a weekend on the staff of St. +Germicide's. After Monday they must look to their own devices for +social entertainment. That was my idea. Now when I look back on +it I laugh, but it is a hollow laugh and there is no real merriment +in it. + +Indeed, almost from the moment of my entrance little things began +to come up that were calculated to have a depressing effect on +one's spirits. Downstairs a serious-looking lady met me and entered +in a book a number of salient facts regarding my personality which +the previous investigators had somehow overlooked. There is a lot +of bookkeeping about an operation. This detail attended to, a +young man, dressed in white garments and wearing an expression +that stamped him as one who had suffered a recent deep bereavement +came and relieved me of my hand bag and escorted me upstairs. + +As we passed through the upper corridors I had my first introduction +to the hospital smell, which is a smell compounded of iodoform, +ether, gruel, and something boiling. All hospitals have it, +I understand. In time you get used to it, but you never really +care for it. + +The young man led me into a small room tastefully decorated with +four walls, a floor, a ceiling, a window sill and a window, a door +and a doorsill, and a bed and a chair. He told me to go to bed. +I did not want to go to bed--it was not my regular bedtime--but +he made a point of it, and I judged it was according to regulations; +so I undressed and put on my night clothes and crawled in. He +left me, taking my other clothes and my shoes with him, but I +was not allowed to get lonely. + +A little later a ward surgeon appeared, to put a few inquiries of +a pointed and personal nature. He particularly desired to know +what my trouble was. I explained to him that I couldn't tell him-- +he would have to see Doctor X or Doctor Z; they probably knew, +but were keeping it a secret between themselves. + +The answer apparently satisfied him, because immediately after +that he made me sign a paper in which I assumed all responsibility +for what was to take place the next morning. + +This did not seem exactly fair. As I pointed out to him, it was +the surgeon's affair, not mine; and if the surgeon made a mistake +the joke would be on him and not on me, because in that case I +would not be here anyhow. But I signed, as requested, on the +dotted line, and he departed. + +After that, at intervals, the chief house surgeon dropped in, +without knocking, and the head nurse came, and an interne or so, +and a ward nurse, and the special nurse who was to have direct +charge of me. It dawned on me that I was not having any more +privacy in that hospital than a goldfish. + +About eleven o'clock an orderly came, and, without consulting my +wishes in the matter, he undressed me until I could have passed +almost anywhere for September Morn's father, and gave me a clean +shave, twice over, on one of my most prominent plane surfaces. I +must confess I enjoyed that part of it. So far as I am able to +recall, it was the only shave I have ever had where the operator +did not spray me with cheap perfumery afterward and then try to +sell me a bottle of hair tonic. + +Having shaved me, the young man did me up amidships in a neat +cloth parcel, took his kit under his arm and went away. + +It occurred to me that, considering the trivial nature of the case, +a good deal of fuss was being made over me by persons who could +have no personal concern in the matter whatsoever. This thought +recurred to me frequently as I lay there all tied in a bundle like +a week's washing. I did not feel quite so uppish as I had felt. +Why was everybody picking on me? + +Anon I slept, but dreamed fitfully. I dreamed that a whole flock +of surgeons came to my bedside and charted me out in sections, +like one of those diagram pictures you see of a beef in the Handy +Compendium of Universal Knowledge, showing the various cuts and +the butcher's pet name for each cut. Each man took his favorite +joint and carried it away, and when they were all gone I was merely +a recent site, full of reverberating echoes and nothing else. + +I have had happier dreams in my time; this was not the kind of +dream I should have selected had the choice been left to me. + +When I woke the young sun was shining in at the window, and an +orderly--not the orderly who had shaved me, but another one--was +there in my room and my nurse was waiting outside the door. The +orderly dressed me in a quaint suit of pyjamas cut on the half +shell and buttoning stylishly in the back, princesse mode. Then +he rolled in a flat litter on wheels and stretched me on it, and +covered me up with a white tablecloth, just as though I had been +cold Sunday-night supper, and we started for the operating-room +at the top of the building; but before we started I lit a large +black cigar, as Gen. U. S. Grant used to do when he went into +battle. I wished by this to show how indifferent I was. Maybe +he fooled somebody, but I do not believe I possess the same powers +of simulation that Grant had. He must have been a very remarkable +man--Grant must. + +The orderly and the nurse trundled me out into the hall and loaded +me into an elevator, which was to carry us up to the top of the +hospital. Several other nurses were already in the elevator. As +we came aboard one of them remarked that it was a fine day. A +fine day for what? She did not finish the sentence. + +Everybody wore a serious look. Inside of myself I felt pretty +serious too--serious enough for ten or twelve. I had meant to +fling off several very bright, spontaneous quips on the way to +the table. I thought them out in advance, but now, somehow, none +of them seemed appropriate. Instinctively, as it were, I felt +that humor was out of place here. + +I never knew an elevator to progress from the third floor of a +building to the ninth with such celerity as this one on which we +were traveling progressed. Personally I was in no mood for haste. +If there was anyone else in all that great hospital who was in a +particular hurry to be operated on I was perfectly willing to wait. +But alas, no! The mechanism of the elevator was in perfect order-- +entirely too perfect. No accident of any character whatsoever +befell us en route, no dropping back into the basement with a low, +grateful thud; no hitch; no delay of any kind. We were certainly +out of luck that trip. The demon of a joyrider who operated the +accursed device jerked a lever and up we soared at a distressingly +high rate of speed. If I could have had my way about that youth +he would have been arrested for speeding. + +Now we were there! They rolled into a large room, all white, with +a rounded ceiling like the inside of an egg. Right away I knew +what the feelings of a poor, lonely little yolk are when the spoon +begins to chip the shell. If I had not been so busy feeling sorry +for myself I think I might have developed quite an active sympathy +for yolks. + +My impression had been that this was to be in the nature of a +private affair, without invitations. I was astonished to note +that quite a crowd had assembled for the opening exercises. From +his attire and general deportment I judged that Doctor Z was going +to be the master of the revels, he being attired appropriately in +a white domino, with rubber gloves and a fancy cap of crash toweling. +There were present, also, my diagnostic friend, Doctor X, likewise +in fancy-dress costume, and a surgeon I had never met. From what +I could gather he was going over the course behind Doctor Z to +replace the divots. + +And there was an interne in the background, playing caddy, as it +were, and a head nurse, who was going to keep the score, and two +other nurses, who were going to help her keep it. I only hoped +that they would show no partiality, but be as fair to me as they +were to Doctor Z, and that he would go round in par. + +So they placed me right where my eyes might rest on a large wall +cabinet full of very shiny-looking tools; and they took my cigar +away from me and folded my hands on the wide bowknot of my sash. +Then they put a cloth dingus over my face and a voice of authority +told me to breathe. That advice, however, was superfluous and +might just as well have been omitted, for such was my purpose +anyhow. Ever since I can recall anything at all, breathing has +been a regular habit with me. So I breathed. And, at that, a +bottle of highly charged sarsaparilla exploded somewhere in the +immediate vicinity and most of its contents went up my nose. + +I started to tell them that somebody had been fooling with their +ether and adulterating it, and that if they thought they could +send me off to sleep with soda pop they were making the mistake +of their lives, because it just naturally could not be done; but +for some reason or other I decided to put off speaking about the +matter for a few minutes. I breathed again--again--agai---- + +I was going away from there. I was in a large gas balloon, soaring +up into the clouds. How pleasant! ... No, by Jove! I was not in +a balloon--I myself was the balloon, which was not quite so pleasant. +Besides, Doctor Z was going along as a passenger; and as we traveled +up and up he kept jabbing me in the midriff with the ferrule of a +large umbrella which he had brought along with him in case of rain. +He jabbed me harder and harder. I remonstrated with him. I told +him I was a bit tender in that locality and the ferrule of his +umbrella was sharp. He would not listen. He kept on jabbing me. + +Something broke! We started back down to earth. We fell faster +and faster. We fell nine miles, and after that I began to get +used to it. Then I saw the earth beneath and it was rising up to +meet us. + +A town was below--a town that grew larger and larger as we neared +it. I could make out the bonded indebtedness, and the Carnegie +Library, and the moving-picture palaces, and the new dancing parlor, +and other principal points of interest. + +At the rate we were falling we were certainly going to make an +awful splatter in that town when we hit. I was sorry for the +street-cleaning department. + +We fell another half mile or so. A spire was sticking up into the +sky directly beneath us, like a spear, to impale us. By a supreme +effort I twisted out of the way of that spire, only to strike +squarely on top of the roof of a greenhouse back of the parsonage, +next door. We crashed through it with a perfectly terrific clatter +of breaking glass and landed in a bed of white flowers, all soft +and downy, like feathers. + +And then Doctor Z stood up and combed the debris out of his whiskers +and remarked that, taking it by and large, it had been one of the +pleasantest little outings he had enjoyed in the entire course of +his practice. He said that as a patient I was fair, but as a +balloon I was immense. He asked me whether I had seen anything +of his umbrella and began looking round for it. I tried to help +him look, but I was too tired to exert myself much. I told him I +believed I would take a little nap. + +I opened a dizzy eye part way. So this was heaven--this white +expanse that swung and swam before my languid gaze? No, it could +not be--it did not smell like heaven. It smelled like a hospital. +It was a hospital. It was my hospital. My nurse was bending over +me and I caught a faint whiff of the starch in the front of her +crisp blue blouse. She was two-headed for the moment, but that +was a mere detail. She settled a pillow under my head and told me +to lie quiet. + +I meant to lie quiet; I did not have to be told. I wanted to lie +quiet and hurt. I was hurty from head to toe and back again, and +crosswise and cater-cornered. I hurt diagonally and lengthwise +and on the bias. I had a taste in my mouth like a bird-and-animal +store. And empty! It seemed to me those doctors had not left +anything inside of me except the acoustics. Well, there was a +mite of consolation there. If the overhauling had been as thorough +as I had reason to believe it was from my present sensations, I +need never fear catching anything again so long as I lived, except +possibly dandruff. + +I waved the nurse away. I craved solitude. I desired only to +lie there in that bed and hurt--which I did. + +I had said beforehand I meant to stay in St. Germicide's for two +or three days only. It is when I look back on that resolution I +emit the hollow laugh elsewhere referred to. For exactly four +weeks I was flat on my back. I know now how excessively wearied +a man can get of his own back, how tired of it, how bored with +it! And after that another two weeks elapsed before my legs became +the same dependable pair of legs I had known in the past. + +I did not want to eat at first, and when I did begin to want to +they would not let me. If I felt sort of peckish they let me suck +a little glass thermometer, but there is not much nourishment +really in thermometers. And for entertainment, to wile the dragging +hours away, I could count the cracks in the ceiling and read my +temperature chart, which was a good deal like Red Ames' batting +average for the past season--ranging from ninety-nine to one hundred +and four. + +Also, through daily conversations with my nurse and with the +surgeons who dropped in from time to time to have a look at me, +I learned, as I lay there, a great deal about the medical profession-- +that is, a great deal for a layman--and what I learned filled me +with an abiding admiration for it, both as a science and as a +business. This surely is one profession which ever keeps its face +to the front. Burying its past mistakes and forgetting them as +speedily as possible, it pushes straight forward into fresh fields +and fresh patients, always hopeful of what the future may bring +in the way of newly discovered and highly expensive ailments. As +we look backward upon the centuries we are astonished by its +advancement. I did a good deal of looking backwards upon the +centuries during my sojourn at St. Germicide's. + +Take the Middle Ages now--the period when a barber and a surgeon +were one and the same. If a man made a failure as a barber he +turned his talents to surgery. Surgeons in those times were a +husky breed. I judge they worked by the day instead of by piecework; +anyhow the records show they were very fond of experiments where +somebody else furnished the raw material. + +When there came a resounding knock at the tradesman's entrance of +the moated grange, the lord of the manor, looking over the portcullis +and seeing a lusty wight standing down below, in a leather apron, +with his sleeves rolled up and a kit of soldering tools under his +arm, didn't know until he made inquiry whether the gentle stranger +had come to mend the drain or remove the cook's leg. + +A little later along, when gunpowder had come into general use as +a humanizing factor of civilization, surgeons treated a gunshot +wound by pouring boiling lard into it, which I would say was +calculated to take the victim's mind off his wound and give him +something else to think about--for the time being, anyhow. I +assume the notion of applying a mustard plaster outside one's +stomach when one has a pain inside one's stomach is based on the +same principle. + +However, one doesn't have to go clear back to medieval times to +note the radical differences in the plan of treating human ailments. +A great many persons who are still living can remember when the +doctors were not nearly so numerous as they are now. I, for one, +would be the last to reverse the sentence and say that because the +doctors were not nearly so numerous then as they are now, those +persons are still living so numerously. + +In the spring of the year, when the sap flowed and the birds mated, +the sturdy farmer felt that he was due to have something the matter +with him, too. So he would ride into the country-seat and get an +almanac. Doubtless the reader, if country raised, has seen copies +of this popular work. On the outside cover, which was dark blue +in color, there was a picture of a person whose stomach was sliced +four ways, like a twenty-cent pie, and then folded back neatly, +thus exposing his entire interior arrangements to the gaze of the +casual observer. However, this party, judging by his picture, did +not appear to be suffering. He did not even seem to fear that he +might catch cold from standing there in his own draught. He was +gazing off into space in an absent-minded kind of way, apparently +not aware that anything was wrong with him; and on all sides he +was surrounded by interesting exhibits, such as a crab, and a +scorpion, and a goat, and a chap with a bow and arrow--and one +thing and another. + +Such was the main design of the cover, while the contents were +made up of recognized and standard varieties in the line of jokes +and the line of diseases which alternated, with first a favorite +joke and then a favorite disease. The author who wrote the +descriptions of the diseases was one of the most convincing writers +that ever lived anywhere. As a realist he had no superiors among +those using our language as a vehicle for the expression of thought. +He was a wonder. If a person wasn't particular about what ailed +him he could read any page at random and have one specific disease. +Or he could read the whole book through and have them all, in +their most advanced stages. Then the only thing that could save +him was a large dollar bottle. + +Again, in attacks of the breakbone ague or malaria it was customary +to call in a local practitioner, generally an elderly lady of the +neighborhood who had none of these latter-day prejudices regarding +the use of tobacco by the gentler sex. One whom I distantly recall, +among childhood's happy memories, carried this liberal-mindedness +to a point where she not only dipped snuff and smoked a cob pipe, +but sometimes chewed a little natural leaf. This lady, on being +called in, would brew up a large caldron of medicinal roots and +barks and sprouts and things; and then she would deluge the interior +of the sufferer with a large gourdful of this pleasing mixture at +regular intervals. It was efficacious, too. The inundated person +either got well or else he drowned from the inside. Rocking the +patient was almost as dangerous a pastime as rocking the boat. +This also helps to explain, I think, why so many of our forebears +had floating kidneys. There was nothing else for a kidney to do. + +By the time I attained to long trousers, people in our town mainly +had outgrown the unlicensed expert and were depending more and +more upon the old-fashioned family doctor--the one with the +whisker-jungle--who drove about in a gig, accompanied by a haunting +aroma of iodoform and carrying his calomel with him in bulk. + +He probably owned a secret calomel mine of his own. He must have; +otherwise he could never have afforded to be so generous with it. +He also had other medicines with him, all of them being selected +on the principle that unless a drug tasted like the very dickens +it couldn't possibly do you any good. At all hours of the day and +night he was to be seen going to and fro, distributing nuggets +from his private lode. He went to bed with his trousers and his +hat on, I think, and there was a general belief that his old mare +slept between the shafts of the gig, with the bridle shoved up on +her forehead. + +It has been only a few years since the oldtime general practitioner +was everywhere. Just look round and see now how the system has +changed! If your liver begins to misconduct itself the first thought +of the modern operator is to cut it out and hide it some place where +you can't find it. The oldtimer would have bombarded it with a +large brunette pill about the size and color of a damson plum. +Or he might put you on a diet of molasses seasoned to taste with +blue mass and quinine and other attractive condiments. Likewise, +in the spring of the year he frequently anointed the young of the +species with a mixture of mutton suet and asafetida. This treatment +had an effect that was distinctly depressing upon the growing boy. +It militated against his popularity. It forced him to seek his +pleasures outdoors, and a good distance outdoors at that. + +It was very hard for a boy, however naturally attractive he might +be, to retain his popularity at the fireside circle when coated +with mutton suet and asafetida and then taken into a warm room. +He attracted attention which he did not court and which was +distasteful to him. Keeping quiet did not seem to help him any. +Even if they had been blindfolded others would still have felt his +presence. A civit-cat suffers from the same drawbacks in a social +way, but the advantage to the civit-cat is that as a general thing +it associates only with other civit-cats. + +Except in the country the old-time, catch-as-catch-can general +practitioner appears to be dying out. In the city one finds him +occasionally, playing a limit game in an office on a back street-- +two dollars to come in, five to call; but the tendency of the day +is toward specialists. Hence the expert who treats you for just +one particular thing With a pain in your chest, say, you go to a +chest specialist. So long as he can keep the trouble confined to +your chest, all well and good. If it slips down or slides up he +tries to coax it back to the reservation. lf it refuses to do so, +he bids it an affectionate adieu, makes a dotted mark on you to +show where he left off, collects his bill and regretfully turns +you over to a stomach specialist or a throat specialist, depending +on the direction in which the trouble was headed when last seen. + +Or, perhaps the specialist to whom you take your custom is an +advocate of an immediate operation for such cases as yours and +all others. I may be unduly sensitive on account of having recently +emerged from the surgeon's hands, but it strikes me now that there +are an awful lot of doctors who take one brief glance at a person +who is complaining, and say to themselves that here is something +that ought to be looked into right away--and immediately open a +bag and start picking out the proper utensils. You go into a +doctor's office and tell him you do not feel the best in the world-- +and he gives you a look and excuses himself, and steps into the +next room and begins greasing a saw. + +Mind you, in these casual observations as compiled by me while +bedfast and here given utterance, I am not seeking to disparage +possibly the noblest of professions. Lately I have owed much to +it. I am strictly on the doctor's side. He is with us when we +come into the world and with us when we go out of it, oftentimes +lending a helping hand on both occasions. Anyway, our sympathies +should especially go out to the medical profession at this particular +time when the anti-vivisectionists are railing so loudly against +the doctors. The anti-vivisection crusade has enlisted widely +different classes in the community, including many lovers of our +dumb-animal pets--and aren't some of them the dumbest things you +ever saw!--especially chow dogs and love birds. + +I will admit there is something to be said on both sides of the +argument. This dissecting of live subjects may have been carried +to extremes on occasions. When I read in the medical journals +that the eminent Doctor Somebody succeeded in transferring the +interior department of a pelican to a pointer pup, and vice versa +with such success that the pup drowned while diving for minnows, +and the pelican went out in the back yard and barked himself to +death baying at the moon, I am interested naturally; but, possibly +because of my ignorance, I fail to see wherein the treatment of +infantile paralysis has been materially advanced. On the other +hand I would rather the kind and gentle Belgian hare should be +offered up as a sacrifice upon the operating table and leave behind +him a large family of little Belgian heirs and heiresses--dependent +upon the charity of a cruel world--than that I should have something +painful which can be avoided through making him a martyr. I would +rather any white rabbit on earth should have the Asiatic cholera +twice than that I should have it just once. These are my sincere +convictions, and I will not attempt to disguise them. + +Thanks too, to medical science we know about germs and serums and +diets and all that. Our less fortunate ancestors didn't know about +them. They were befogged in ignorance. As recently as the generation +immediately preceding ours people were unacquainted with the simplest +rules of hygiene. They didn't care whether the housefly wiped his +feet before he came into the house or not. The gentleman with the +drooping, cream-separator mustache was at perfect liberty to use +the common drinking cup on the railroad train. The appendix lurked +in its snug retreat, undisturbed by the prying fingers of curiosity. +The fever-bearing skeeter buzzed and flitted, stinging where he +pleased. The germ theory was unfathomed. Suitable food for an +invalid was anything the invalid could afford to buy. Fresh air, +and more especially fresh night air, was regarded as dangerous, +and people hermetically sealed themselves in before retiring. Not +daily as at present was the world gladdened by the tidings that +science had unearthed some new and particularly unpleasant disease. +It never occurred to a mother that she should sterilize the slipper +before spanking her offspring. Babies were not reared antiseptically, +but just so. Nobody was aware of microbes. + +In short, our sires and our grandsires abode in the midst of perils. +They were surrounded on all sides by things that are immediately +fatal to the human system. Not a single one of them had a right +to pass his second birthday. In the light of what we know, we +realize that by now this world should be but a barren waste dotted +at frequent intervals with large graveyards and populated only by +a few dispossessed and hungry bacteria, hanging over the cemetery +fence singing: Driven From Home! + +In the conditions generally prevalent up to twenty-five years ago, +most of us never had any license, really, to be born at all. Yet +look how many of us are now here. In this age of research I +hesitate to attempt to account for it, except on the entirely +unscientific theory that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. +Doubtless a physician could give you a better explanation, but +his would cost you more than mine has. + +But we digress. Let us get back to our main subject, which is +myself. I shall never forget my first real meal in that hospital. +There was quite a good deal of talk about it beforehand. My nurse +kept telling me that on the next day the doctor had promised I +might have something to eat. I could hardly wait. I had visions +of a tenderloin steak smothered in fried onions, and some French-fried +potatoes, and a tall table-limit stack of wheat cakes, and a few +other incidental comfits and kickshaws. I could hardly wait for +that meal. + +The next day came and she brought it to me, and I partook thereof. +It was the white of an egg. For dessert I licked a stamp; but +this I did clandestinely and by stealth, without saying anything +about it to her. I was not supposed to have any sweets. + +On the occasion of the next feast the diet was varied. I had a +sip of one of those fermented milk products. You probably know +the sort of thing I mean. Even before you've swallowed it, it +tastes as though it had already disagreed with you. The nurse +said this food was predigested but did not tell me by whom. Nor +did I ask her. I started to, but thought better of it. Sometimes +one is all the happier for not knowing too much. + +A little later on, seeing that I had not suffered an attack of +indigestion from this debauch, they gave me junket. In the +dictionary I have looked up the definitions of junket. I quote: + + JUNKET, v. I. t. To entertain by feasting; regale. II. i. To + give or take part in an entertainment or excursion; feast in + company; picnic; revel. + + JUNKET, n. A merry feast or excursion; picnic. + +When the author of a dictionary tries to be frivolous he only +succeeds in making himself appear foolish. + +I know not how it may be in the world at large, but in a hospital, +junket is a custard that by some subtle process has been denuded +of those ingredients which make a custard fascinating and exciting. +It tastes as though the eggs, which form its underlying basis, had +been laid in a fit of pique by a hen that was severely upset at +the time. + +Hereafter when the junket is passed round somebody else may have +my share. I'll stick to the mince pie a la mode. And the first +cigar of my convalescence--ah, that, too, abides as a vivid +memory! Dropping in one morning to replace the wrappings Doctor Z +said I might smoke in moderation. So the nurse brought me a cigar, +and I lit it and took one deep puff; but only one. I laid it aside. +I said to the nurse: + +"A mistake has been made here. I do not want a cooking cigar, you +understand. I desire a cigar for personal use. This one is full +of herbs and simples, I think. It suggests a New England boiled +dinner, and not a very good New England boiled dinner at that. +Let us try again." + +She brought another cigar. It was not satisfactory either. Then +she showed me the box--an orthodox box containing cigars of a +recognized and previously dependable brand. I could only conclude +that a root-and-herb doctor had bought an interest in the business +and was introducing his own pet notions into the formula. + +But came a day--as the fancy writers say when they wish to convey +the impression that a day has come, but hate to do it in a +commonplace manner--came a day when my cigar tasted as a cigar +should taste and food had the proper relish to it; and my appetite +came back again and found the old home place not so greatly changed +after all. + +And then shortly thereafter came another day, when I, all replete +with expensive stitches, might drape the customary habiliments of +civilization about my attenuated frame and go forth to mingle with +my fellow beings. I have been mingling pretty steadily ever since, +for now I have something to talk about--a topic good for any +company; congenial, an absorbing topic. + +I can spot a brother member a block away. I hasten up to him and +give him the grand hailing sign of the order. He opens his mouth +to speak, but I beat him to it. + +"Speaking of operations --" I say. And then I'm off. Believe me, +it's the life! + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext "Speaking of Operations--", by Cobb + diff --git a/old/spopr10.zip b/old/spopr10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e167787 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/spopr10.zip |