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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/18776-8.txt b/18776-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..072c77e --- /dev/null +++ b/18776-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7406 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. +(of X.), by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) + +Author: Various + +Editor: Marshall P. Wilder + +Release Date: July 7, 2006 [EBook #18776] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WIT AND HUMOR OF *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + +Library Edition + +THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA + +In Ten Volumes + +VOL. IV + + + + +[Illustration: JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS] + + + + +THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA + +EDITED BY MARSHALL P. WILDER + +_Volume IV_ + + +Funk & Wagnalls Company +New York and London + +Copyright MDCCCCVII, BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY +Copyright MDCCCCXI, THE THWING COMPANY + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + April Aria, An R.K. Munkittrick 711 + "As Good as a Play" Horace E. Scudder 749 + Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, The Oliver Wendell Holmes 753 + Briefless Barrister, The John G. Saxe 585 + Cable-Car Preacher, A Sam Walter Foss 647 + Cĉsar's Quiet Lunch with Cicero James T. Fields 760 + Cheer for the Consumer Nixon Waterman 740 + Comin' Home Thanksgivin' James Ball Naylor 763 + Complaint of Friends, A Gail Hamilton 604 + Coupon Bonds, The J.T. Trowbridge 654 + Crankidoxology Wallace Irwin 688 + Desolation Tom Masson 686 + Desperate Race, A J.F. Kelley 742 + De Stove Pipe Hole William Henry Drummond 774 + Economical Pair, The Carolyn Wells 602 + Family Horse, The Frederick A. Cozzens 715 + Girl from Mercury, The Herman Knickerbocker Vielé 779 + Grand Opera, The Billy Baxter 693 + Greco-Trojan Game, The Charles F. Johnson 595 + How to Know the Wild Animals Carolyn Wells 650 + How We Bought a Sewin' Machine + and Organ Josiah Allen's Wife 729 + I Remember, I Remember Phoebe Cary 652 + In a State of Sin Owen Wister 696 + Loafer and the Squire, The Porte Crayon 767 + Love Sonnets of a Husband, The Maurice Smiley 725 + Meditations of a Mariner Wallace Irwin 713 + Modern Advantage, A Charlotte Becker 642 + Modern Eclogue, A Bliss Carman 645 + My Honey, My Love Joel Chandler Harris 691 + Ponchus Pilut James Whitcomb Riley 624 + Praise-God Barebones Ellen Mackay Hutchinson + Cortissoz 765 + Raggedy Man, The James Whitcomb Riley 643 + Shooting-Match, The A.B. Longstreet 666 + Sonnet of the Lovable Lass and the + Plethoric Dad J.W. Foley 723 + Story of the Two Friars Eugene Field 588 + Two Husbands, The Carolyn Wells 587 + Two Pedestrians, The Carolyn Wells 603 + Two Prisoners, The Carolyn Wells 641 + Victory Tom Masson 714 + Wolf at Susan's Door, The Anne Warner 626 + +COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X. + + + + +THE BRIEFLESS BARRISTER + +_A Ballad_ + +BY JOHN G. SAXE + + + An attorney was taking a turn, + In shabby habiliments drest; + His coat it was shockingly worn, + And the rust had invested his vest. + + His breeches had suffered a breach, + His linen and worsted were worse; + He had scarce a whole crown in his hat, + And not half a crown in his purse. + + And thus as he wandered along, + A cheerless and comfortless elf, + He sought for relief in a song, + Or complainingly talked to himself:-- + + "Unfortunate man that I am! + I've never a client but grief: + The case is, I've no case at all, + And in brief, I've ne'er had a brief! + + "I've waited and waited in vain, + Expecting an 'opening' to find, + Where an honest young lawyer might gain + Some reward for toil of his mind. + + "'Tis not that I'm wanting in law, + Or lack an intelligent face, + That others have cases to plead, + While I have to plead for a case. + + "O, how can a modest young man + E'er hope for the smallest progression,-- + The profession's already so full + Of lawyers so full of profession!" + + While thus he was strolling around, + His eye accidentally fell + On a very deep hole in the ground, + And he sighed to himself, "It is well!" + + To curb his emotions, he sat + On the curbstone the space of a minute, + Then cried, "Here's an opening at last!" + And in less than a jiffy was in it! + + Next morning twelve citizens came + ('Twas the coroner bade them attend), + To the end that it might be determined + How the man had determined his end! + + "The man was a lawyer, I hear," + Quoth the foreman who sat on the corse. + "A lawyer? Alas!" said another, + "Undoubtedly died of remorse!" + + A third said, "He knew the deceased, + An attorney well versed in the laws, + And as to the cause of his death, + 'Twas no doubt for the want of a cause." + + The jury decided at length, + After solemnly weighing the matter, + That the lawyer was drown_d_ed, because + He could not keep his head above water! + + + + +THE TWO HUSBANDS + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + +Once on a Time there were Two Men, each of whom married the Woman of his +Choice. One Man devoted all his Energies to Getting Rich. + +He was so absorbed in Acquiring Wealth that he Worked Night and Day to +Accomplish his End. + +By this Means he lost his Health, he became a Nervous Wreck, and was so +Irritable and Irascible that his Wife Ceased to live with him and +Returned to her Parents' House. + +The Other Man made no Efforts to Earn Money, and after he had Spent his +own and his Wife's Fortunes, Poverty Stared them in the Face. + +Although his Wife had loved him Fondly, she could not Continue her +affection toward One who could not Support her, so she left him and +Returned to her Childhood's Home. + + +MORALS: + +This Fable teaches that the Love of Money is the Root of All Evil, and +that When Poverty Comes In At the Door, Loves Flies Out Of the Window. + + + + +THE STORY OF THE TWO FRIARS + +BY EUGENE FIELD + + +It befell in the year 1662, in which same year were many witchcrafts and +sorceries, such as never before had been seen and the like of which will +never again, by grace of Heaven, afflict mankind--in this year it befell +that the devil came upon earth to tempt an holy friar, named Friar +Gonsol, being strictly minded to win that righteous vessel of piety unto +his evil pleasance. + + * * * * * + +Now wit you well that this friar had grievously offended the devil, for +of all men then on earth there was none more holier than he nor none +surer to speak and to do sweet charity unto all his fellows in every +place. Therefore it was that the devil was sore wroth at the Friar +Gonsol, being mightily plagued not only by his teachings and his +preachings, but also by the pious works which he continually did do. +Right truly the devil knew that by no common temptations was this friar +to be moved, for the which reason did the devil seek in dark and +troublous cogitations to bethink him of some new instrument wherewith he +might bedazzle the eyes and ensnare the understanding of the holy man. +On a sudden it came unto the fiend that by no corporeal allurement would +he be able to achieve his miserable end, for that by reason of an +abstemious life and a frugal diet the Friar Gonsol had weaned his body +from those frailties and lusts to which human flesh is by nature of the +old Adam within it disposed, and by long-continued vigils and by +earnest devotion and by godly contemplations and by divers proper +studies had fixed his mind and his soul with exceeding steadfastness +upon things unto his eternal spiritual welfare appertaining. Therefore +it beliked the devil to devise and to compound a certain little booke of +mighty curious craft, wherewith he might be like to please the Friar +Gonsol and, in the end, to ensnare him in his impious toils. Now this +was the way of the devil's thinking, to wit: This friar shall suspect no +evil in the booke, since never before hath the devil tempted mankind +with such an instrument, the common things wherewith the devil tempteth +man being (as all histories show and all theologies teach) fruit and +women and other like things pleasing to the gross and perishable senses. +Therefore, argueth the devil, when I shall tempt this friar with a booke +he shall be taken off his guard and shall not know it to be a +temptation. And thereat was the devil exceeding merry and he did laugh +full merrily. + + * * * * * + +Now presently came this thing of evil unto the friar in the guise of +another friar and made a proper low obeisance unto the same. But the +Friar Gonsol was not blinded to the craft of the devil, for from under +the cloak and hood that he wore there did issue the smell of sulphur and +of brimstone which alone the devil hath. + +"Beshrew me," quoth the Friar Gonsol, "if the odour in my nostrils be +spikenard and not the fumes of the bottomless pit!" + +"Nay, sweet friar," spake the devil full courteously, "the fragrance +thou perceivest is of frankincense and myrrh, for I am of holy orders +and I have brought thee a righteous booke, delectable to look upon and +profitable unto the reading." + +Then were the eyes of that Friar Gonsol full of bright sparklings and +his heart rejoiced with exceeding joy, for he did set most store, next +to his spiritual welfare, by bookes wherein was food to his beneficial +devouring. + +"I do require thee," quoth the friar, "to shew me that booke that I may +know the name thereof and discover whereof it treateth." + +Then shewed the devil the booke unto the friar, and the friar saw it was +an uncut unique of incalculable value; the height of it was half a cubit +and the breadth of it the fourth part of a cubit and the thickness of it +five barleycorns lacking the space of three horsehairs. This booke +contained, within its divers picturings, symbols and similitudes wrought +with incomparable craft, the same being such as in human vanity are +called proof before letters, and imprinted upon India paper; also the +booke contained written upon its pages, divers names of them that had +possessed it, all these having in their time been mighty and illustrious +personages; but what seemed most delectable unto the friar was an +autographic writing wherein 'twas shewn that the booke sometime had been +given by Venus di Medici to Apollos at Rhodes. + +When therefore the Friar Gonsol saw the booke how that it was intituled +and imprinted and adorned and bounden, he knew it to be of vast worth +and he was mightily moved to possess it; therefore he required of the +other (that was the devil) that he give unto him an option upon the same +for the space of seven days hence or until such a time as he could +inquire concerning the booke in Lowndes and other such like authorities. +But the devil, smiling, quoth: "The booke shall be yours without price +provided only you shall bind yourself to do me a service as I shall +hereafter specify and direct." + +Now when the Friar Gonsol heard this compact, he knew for a verity that +the devil was indeed the devil, and but that he sorely wanted the booke +he would have driven that impious fiend straightway from his presence. +Howbeit, the devil, promising to visit him again that night, departed, +leaving the friar exceeding heavy in spirit, for he was both assotted +upon the booke to comprehend it and assotted upon the devil to do +violence unto him. + +It befell that in his doubtings he came unto the Friar Francis, another +holy man that by continual fastings and devotions had made himself an +ensample of piety unto all men, and to this sanctified brother did the +Friar Gonsol straightway unfold the story of his temptation and speak +fully of the wondrous booke and of its divers many richnesses. + +When that he had heard this narration the Friar Francis made answer in +this wise: "Of great subtility surely is the devil that he hath set this +snare for thy feet. Have a care, my brother, that thou fallest not into +the pit which he hath digged for thee! Happy art thou to have come to me +with this thing, elsewise a great mischief might have befallen thee. Now +listen to my words and do as I counsel thee. Have no more to do with +this devil; send him to me, or appoint with him another meeting and I +will go in thy stead." + +"Nay, nay," cried the Friar Gonsol, "the saints forefend from thee the +evil temptation provided for my especial proving! I should have been +reckoned a weak and coward vessel were I to send thee in my stead to +bear the mortifications designed for the trying of my virtues." + +"But thou art a younger brother than I," reasoned the Friar Francis +softly; "and, firm though thy resolution may be now, thou art more like +than I to be wheedled and bedazzled by these diabolical wiles and +artifices. So let me know where this devil abideth with the booke; I +burn to meet him and to wrest his treasure from his impious possession." + +But the Friar Gonsol shook his head and would not hear unto this +vicarious sacrifice whereon the good Friar Francis had set his heart. + +"Ah, I see that thou hast little faith in my strength to combat the +fiend," quoth the Friar Francis reproachfully. "Thy trust in me should +be greater, for I have done thee full many a kindly office; or, now I do +bethink me, thou art assorted on the booke! Unhappy brother, can it be +that thou dost covet this vain toy, this frivolous bauble, that thou +wouldst seek the devil's companionship anon to compound with Beelzelub? +I charge thee, Brother Gonsol, open thine eyes and see in what a +slippery place thou standest." + +Now by these argumentations was the Friar Gonsol mightily confounded, +and he knew not what to do. + +"Come, now, hesitate no longer," quoth the Friar Francis, "but tell me +where that devil may be found--I burn to see and to comprehend the +booke--not that I care for the booke, but that I am grievously tormented +to do that devil a sore despight!" + +"Odds boddikins," quoth the other friar, "me-seemeth that the booke +inciteth thee more than the devil." + +"Thou speakest wrongly," cried the Friar Francis. "Thou mistakest pious +zeal for sinful selfishness. Full wroth am I to hear how that this devil +walketh to and fro, using a sweet and precious booke for the temptation +of holy men. Shall so righteous an instrument be employed by the prince +of heretics to so unrighteous an end?" + +"Thou sayest wisely," quoth the Friar Gonsol, "and thy words convince me +that a battaile must be made with this devil for that booke. So now I +shall go to encounter the fiend!" + +"Then by the saints I shall go with thee!" cried the Friar Francis, and +he gathered his gown about his loins right briskly. + +But when the Friar Gonsol saw this he made great haste to go alone, and +he ran out of the door full swiftly and fared him where the devil had +appointed an appointment with him. Now wit you well that the Friar +Francis did follow close upon his heels, for though his legs were not so +long he was a mighty runner and he was right sound of wind. Therefore +was it a pleasant sight to see these holy men vying with one another to +do battle with the devil, and much it repenteth me that there be some +ribald heretics that maintain full enviously that these two saintly +friars did so run not for the devil that they might belabor him, but for +the booke that they might possess it. + +It fortuned that the devil was already come to the place where he had +appointed the appointment, and in his hand he had the booke aforesaid. +Much marveled he when that he beheld the two friars faring thence. + +"I adjure thee, thou devil," said the Friar Gonsol from afar off, "I +adjure thee give me that booke else I will take thee by thy horns and +hoofs and drub thy ribs together!" + +"Heed him not, thou devil," said the Friar Francis, "for it is I that am +coming to wrestle with thee and to overcome thee for that booke!" + +With such words and many more the two holy friars bore down upon the +devil; but the devil thinking verily that he was about to be beset by +the whole church militant stayed not for their coming, but presently +departed out of sight and bore the book with him. + +Now many people at that time saw the devil fleeing before the two +friars, so that, esteeming it to be a sign of special grace, these +people did ever thereafter acknowledge the friars to be saints, and unto +this day you shall hear of St. Gonsol and St. Francis. Unto this day, +too, doth the devil, with that same booke wherewith he tempted the friar +of old, beset and ensnare men of every age and in all places. Against +which devil may Heaven fortify us to do battle speedily and with +successful issuance. + + + + +THE GRECO-TROJAN GAME + +BY CHARLES F. JOHNSON + + + First on the ground appeared the god-like Trojan Eleven, + Shining in purple and black, with tight and well-fitting sweaters, + Woven by Andromache in the well-ordered palace of Priam. + After them came, in goodly array, the players of Hellas, + Skilled in kicking and blocking and tackling and fooling the umpire. + All advanced on the field, marked off with white alabaster, + Level and square and true, at the ends two goal posts erected, + Richly adorned with silver and gold and carved at the corners, + Bearing a legend which read, "Don't talk back at the umpire"-- + Rule first given by Zeus, for the guidance of voluble mortals. + All the rules of the game were deeply cut in the crossbars, + So that the players might know exactly how to evade them. + + On one side of the field were ranged the Trojan spectators, + Yelling in composite language their ancient Phrygian war-cry; + "_Ho-hay-toe, Tou-tais-ton, Ton-tain-to; Boomerah Boomerah, Trojans!_" + And on the other, the Greeks, fair-haired, and ready to halloo, + If occasion should offer and Zeus should grant them a touch-down, + "_Breck-ek kek-kek-koax, Anax andron, Agamemnon!_" + + First they agreed on an umpire, the silver-tongued Nestor. + Long years ago he played end-rush on the Argive eleven; + He was admitted by all to be an excellent umpire + Save for the habit he had of making public addresses, + Tedious, long-winded and dull, and full of minute explanations, + How they used to play in the days when Cadmus was half-back, + Or how Hermes could dodge, and Ares and Phoebus could tackle; + Couched in rhythmical language but not one whit to the purpose. + On his white hair they carefully placed the sacred tiara, + Worn by the foot-ball umpires of old as a badge of their office, + Also to save their heads, in case the players should slug them. + Then they gave him a spear wherewith to enforce his decisions, + And to stick in the ground to mark the place to line up to. + He advanced to the thirty-yard line and began an oration: + + "Listen, Trojans and Greeks! For thirty-five seasons, + I played foot-ball in Greece with Peleus for half-back and captain. + Those were the days of old when men played the game as they'd orter. + Once, I remember, Ĉacus, the god-like son of Poseidon, + Kicked the ball from a drop, clean over the city of Argos. + That was the game when Peleus, our captain, lost all his front teeth; + Little we cared for teeth or eyes when once we were warmed up. + Why, I remember that Ĉacus ran so that no one could see him, + There was just a long hole in the air and a man at the end on't. + Hercules umpired that game, and I noticed there wasn't much back-talk." + + Him interrupting, sternly addressed the King Agamemnon: + "Cease, old man; come off your antediluvian boasting; + Doubtless our grandpas could all play the game as well as they knew + how. + They are all dead, and have long lined up in the fields of elysium; + If they were here we would wipe up the ground with the rusty old + duffers. + You call the game, and keep your eye fixed on the helmeted Hector. + He'll play off-side all the while, if he thinks the umpire don't see + him!" + Then the old man threw the lots, but sore was his heart in his bosom. + "Troy has the kick-off," he said, "the ball is yours, noble Hector." + Then he gave him the ball, a prolate spheroid of leather, + Much like the world in its shape, if the world were lengthened, not + flattened, + Covered with well-sewed leather, the well-seasoned hide of a bison, + Killed by Lakon, the hunter, ere bisons were exterminated. + On it was painted a battle, a market, a piece of the ocean, + Horses and cows and nymphs and things too many to mention. + + Then the heroes peeled off their sweaters and put on their nose-guards, + Also the fiendish expressions the great occasion demanded. + Ajax stood on the right; in the center the great Agamemnon; + Diomed crouched on the left, the god-like rusher and tackler, + Crouched as a panther crouches, if sculptors do justice to panthers. + Crafty Ulysses played back, for none of the Trojans could pass him, + All the best Greeks were in line, but Podas Okus Achilleus, + Who though an excellent kicker stayed all day in his section. + + Hector dribbled the ball, then seized it and putting his head down, + And, as a lion carries a lamb and jumps over fences-- + Dodging this way and that the shepherds who wish to remonstrate-- + So did the son of Priam carry the ball through the rush line, + Till he was tackled fair by the full-back, the crafty Ulysses. + Even then he carried the ball and the son of Laertes + Full five yards till they fell to the ground with a deep indentation + Where one might hide three men so that no man could see them-- + Men of the present day, degenerate sons of the heroes-- + + Now, when Pallas Athene discovered the Greeks would be beaten, + She slid down from the steep of Olympus upon a toboggan. + Sudden she came before crafty Ulysses in guise like a maiden; + Not that she thought to fool him, but since Olympian fashion + Made the form of a woman good form for a goddess' assumption. + She then spoke to him quickly, and said, "O son of Laertes, + Seize thou the ball; I will pass it to thee and trip up the Trojan." + Her replying, slowly re-worded the son of Laertes-- + "That will I do, O goddess divine, for he can outrun me." + Then when the ball was in play, she cast thick darkness around it. + Also around Ulysses she poured invisible darkness. + Under this cover, taking the ball he passed down the middle, + Silent and swift, unseen, unnoticed, unblocked, and untackled. + Meanwhile she piled the Greeks and the Trojans in conglomeration, + Much like a tangle of pine-trees where lightning has frequently fallen, + Or like a basket of lobsters and crabs which the provident housewife + Dumps on the kitchen floor and vainly endeavors to count them, + So seemed the legs and the arms and the heads of the twenty-one + players. + Sudden a shout arose, for under the crossbar, Ulysses, + Visible, sat on the ball, quietly making a touch-down; + On the tip of his nose were his thumb and fingers extended, + Curved and vibrating slow in the sign of the blameless Egyptians. + Violent language came to the lips of the helmeted Hector, + Under his breath he murmured a few familiar quotations, + Scraps of Phrygian folk-lore about the kingdom of Hades; + Then he called loud as a trumpet, "I claim foul, Mr. Umpire!" + "Touch-down for Greece," said Hector; "'twixt you and me and the + goal-post + I lost sight of the ball in a very singular manner." + + Then they carried the sphere back to the twenty-five yard line, + Prone on the ground lay a Greek, the leather was poised in his + fingers-- + Thrice Agamemnon adjusted the sphere with deliberation; + Then he drew back as a ram draws back for deadly encounter. + Then he tripped lightly ahead, and brought his sandal in contact + Right at the point; straight flew the ball right over the crossbar, + While like the cries of pygmies and cranes the race-yell resounded: + "_Breck-ek kek-kek-koax, Anax andron, Agamemnon!_" + + + + +THE ECONOMICAL PAIR + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + +Once on a Time there was a Man and his Wife who had Different Ideas +concerning Family Expenditures. + +The Man said: "I am Exceedingly Economical; although I spend Small Sums +here and there for Cigars, Wines, Theater Tickets, and Little Dinners, +yet I do not buy me a Yacht or a Villa at Newport." + +But even with these Praiseworthy Principles, it soon Came About that the +Man was Bankrupt. + +Whereupon he Reproached his Wife, who Answered his Accusations with +Surprise. + +"Me! My dear!" she exclaimed. "Why, I am Exceedingly Economical. True, I +Occasionally buy me a Set of Sables or a Diamond Tiara, but I am +Scrupulously Careful about Small Sums; I Diligently unknot all Strings +that come around Parcels, and Save Them, and I use the Backs of old +Envelopes for Scribbling-Paper. Yet, somehow, my Bank-Account is also +Exhausted." + + +MORALS: + +This Fable teaches to Takes Care of the Pence and the Pounds will Take +Care of Themselves, and that we Should Not Be Penny-Wise and +Pound-Foolish. + + + + +THE TWO PEDESTRIANS + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + +Once on a time there were two Men, one of whom was a Good Man and the +other a Rogue. + +The Good Man one day saw a Wretched Drunkard endeavoring to find his way +Home. + +Being most kind-hearted, the Good Man assisted the Wretched Drunkard to +his feet and accompanied him along the Highway toward his Home. + +The Good Man held fast the arm of the Wretched Drunkard, and the result +of this was that when the Wretched Drunkard lurched giddily the Good Man +perforce lurched too. + +Whereupon, as the Passing Populace saw the pair, they said: "Aha! +Another good man gone wrong," and they Wisely Wagged their Heads. + +Now the Bad Man of this tale, being withal of a shrewd and canny Nature, +stood often on a street corner, and engaged in grave conversation with +the Magnates of the town. + +To be sure, the Magnates shook him as soon as possible, but in no wise +discouraged he cheerfully sauntered up to another Magnate. Thus did he +gain a Reputation of being a friend of the Great. + + +MORALS: + +This Fable teaches us that A Man is known by the Company he Keeps, and +that We Must not Judge by Appearances. + + + + +A COMPLAINT OF FRIENDS + +BY GAIL HAMILTON + + +If things would not run into each other so, it would be a thousand times +easier and a million times pleasanter to get on in the world. Let the +sheepiness be set on one side and the goatiness on the other, and +immediately you know where you are. It is not necessary to ask that +there be any increase of the one or any diminution of the other, but +only that each shall preëmpt its own territory and stay there. Milk is +good, and water is good, but don't set the milk-pail under the pump. +Pleasure softens pain, but pain embitters pleasure; and who would not +rather have his happiness concentrated into one memorable day, that +shall gleam and glow through a lifetime, than have it spread out over a +dozen comfortable, commonplace, humdrum forenoons and afternoons, each +one as like the others as two peas in a pod? Since the law of +compensation obtains, I suppose it is the best law for us; but if it had +been left with me, I should have made the clever people rich and +handsome, and left poverty and ugliness to the stupid people; +because--don't you see?--the stupid people won't know they are ugly, and +won't care if they are poor, but the clever people will be hampered and +tortured. I would have given the good wives to the good husbands, and +made drunken men marry drunken women. Then there would have been one +family exquisitely happy instead of two struggling against misery. I +would have made the rose stem downy, and put all the thorns on the +thistles. I would have gouged out the jewel from the toad's head, and +given the peacock the nightingale's voice, and not set everything so at +half and half. + +But that is the way it is. We find the world made to our hand. The wise +men marry the foolish virgins, and the splendid virgins marry dolts, and +matters in general are so mixed up, that the choice lies between nice +things about spoiled, and vile things that are not so bad after all, and +it is hard to tell sometimes which you like the best, or which you +loathe least. + +I expect to lose every friend I have in the world by the publication of +this paper--except the dunces who are impaled in it. They will never +read it, and if they do, will never suspect I mean them; while the +sensible and true friends, who do me good and not evil all the days of +their lives, will think I am driving at their noble hearts, and will at +once fall off and leave me inconsolable. Still I am going to write it. +You must open the safety-valve once in a while, even if the steam does +whiz and shriek, or there will be an explosion, which is fatal, while +the whizzing and shrieking are only disagreeable. + +Doubtless friendship has its advantages and its pleasures; doubtless +hostility has its isolations and its revenges; still, if called upon to +choose once for all between friends and foes, I think, on the whole, I +should cast my vote for the foes. Twenty enemies will not do you the +mischief of one friend. Enemies you always know where to find. They are +in fair and square perpetual hostility, and you keep your armor on and +your sentinels posted; but with friends you are inveigled into a false +security, and, before you know it, your honor, your modesty, your +delicacy are scudding before the gales. Moreover, with your friend you +can never make reprisals. If your enemy attacks you, you can always +strike back and hit hard. You are expected to defend yourself against +him to the top of your bent. He is your legal opponent in honorable +warfare. You can pour hot-shot into him with murderous vigor; and the +more he writhes, the better you feel. In fact, it is rather refreshing +to measure swords once in a while with such a one. You like to exert +your power and keep yourself in practice. You do not rejoice so much in +overcoming your enemy as in overcoming. If a marble statue could show +fight you would just as soon fight it; but as it can not, you take +something that can, and something, besides, that has had the temerity to +attack you, and so has made a lawful target of itself. But against your +friend your hands are tied. He has injured you. He has disgusted you. He +has infuriated you. But it was most Christianly done. You can not hurl a +thunderbolt, or pull a trigger, or lisp a syllable against those amiable +monsters who, with tenderest fingers, are sticking pins all over you. So +you shut fast the doors of your lips, and inwardly sigh for a good, +stout, brawny, malignant foe, who, under any and every circumstance, +will design you harm, and on whom you can lavish your lusty blows with a +hearty will and a clear conscience. + +Your enemy keeps clear of you. He neither grants nor claims favors. He +awards you your rights,--no more, no less,--and demands the same from +you. Consequently there is no friction. Your friend, on the contrary, is +continually getting himself tangled up with you "because he is your +friend." I have heard that Shelley was never better pleased than when +his associates made free with his coats, boots, and hats for their own +use, and that he appropriated their property in the same way. Shelley +was a poet, and perhaps idealized his friends. He saw them, probably, in +a state of pure intellect. I am not a poet; I look at people in the +concrete. The most obvious thing about my friends is their avoirdupois; +and I prefer that they should wear their own cloaks and suffer me to +wear mine. There is no neck in the world that I want my collar to span +except my own. It is very exasperating to me to go to my bookcase and +miss a book of which I am in immediate and pressing need, because an +intimate friend has carried it off without asking leave, on the score of +his intimacy. I have not, and do not wish to have, any alliance that +shall abrogate the eighth commandment. A great mistake is lying round +loose hereabouts,--a mistake fatal to many friendships that did run +well. The common fallacy is that intimacy dispenses with the necessity +of politeness. The truth is just the opposite of this. The more points +of contact there are, the more danger of friction there is, and the more +carefully should people guard against it. If you see a man only once a +month, it is not of so vital importance that you do not trench on his +rights, tastes, or whims. He can bear to be crossed or annoyed +occasionally. If he does not have a very high regard for you, it is +comparatively unimportant, because your paths are generally so diverse. +But you and the man with whom you dine every day have it in your power +to make each other exceedingly uncomfortable. A very little dropping +will wear away rock, if it only keep at it. The thing that you would not +think of, if it occurred only twice a year, becomes an intolerable +burden when it happens twice a day. This is where husbands and wives run +aground. They take too much for granted. If they would but see that they +have something to gain, something to save, as well as something to +enjoy, it would be better for them; but they proceed on the assumption +that their love is an inexhaustible tank, and not a fountain depending +for its supply on the stream that trickles into it. So, for every little +annoying habit, or weakness, or fault, they draw on the tank, without +being careful to keep the supply open, till they awake one morning to +find the pump dry, and, instead of love, at best, nothing but a cold +habit of complacence. On the contrary, the more intimate friends become, +whether married or unmarried, the more scrupulously should they strive +to repress in themselves everything annoying, and to cherish both in +themselves and each other everything pleasing. While each should draw on +his love to neutralize the faults of his friend, it is suicidal to draw +on his friend's love to neutralize his own faults. Love should be +cumulative, since it can not be stationary. If it does not increase, it +decreases. Love, like confidence, is a plant of slow growth, and of most +exotic fragility. It must be constantly and tenderly cherished. Every +noxious and foreign element must be carefully removed from it. All +sunshine, and sweet airs, and morning dews, and evening showers must +breathe upon it perpetual fragrance, or it dies into a hideous and +repulsive deformity, fit only to be cast out and trodden under foot of +men, while, properly cultivated, it is a Tree of Life. + +Your enemy keeps clear of you, not only in business, but in society. If +circumstances thrust him into contact with you, he is curt and +centrifugal. But your friend breaks in upon your "saintly solitude" with +perfect equanimity. He never for a moment harbors a suspicion that he +can intrude, "because he is your friend." So he drops in on his way to +the office to chat half an hour over the latest news. The half-hour +isn't much in itself. If it were after dinner, you wouldn't mind it; but +after breakfast every moment "runs itself in golden sands," and the +break in your time crashes a worse break in your temper. "Are you busy?" +asks the considerate wretch, adding insult to injury. What can you do? +Say yes, and wound his self-love forever? But he has a wife and family. +You respect their feelings, smile and smile, and are villain enough to +be civil with your lips, and hide the poison of asps under your tongue, +till you have a chance to relieve your o'ercharged heart by shaking your +fist in impotent wrath at his retreating form. You will receive the +reward of your hypocrisy, as you richly deserve, for ten to one he will +drop in again when he comes back from his office, and arrest you +wandering in Dreamland in the beautiful twilight. Delighted to find that +you are neither reading nor writing,--the absurd dolt! as if a man +weren't at work unless he be wielding a sledge-hammer!--he will preach +out, and prose out, and twaddle out another hour of your golden +eventide, "because he is your friend." You don't care whether he is +judge or jury,--whether he talks sense or nonsense; you don't want him +to talk at all. You don't want him there anyway. You want to be alone. +If you don't, why are you sitting there in the deepening twilight? If +you wanted him, couldn't you send for him? Why don't you go out into the +drawing-room, where are music and lights, and gay people? What right +have I to suppose, that, because you are not using your eyes, you are +not using your brain? What right have I to set myself up as a judge of +the value of your time, and so rob you of perhaps the most delicious +hour in all your day, on pretense that it is of no use to you?--take a +pound of flesh clean out of your heart, and trip on my smiling way as if +I had not earned the gallows? + +And what in Heaven's name is the good of all this ceaseless talk? To +what purpose are you wearied, exhausted, dragged out and out to the very +extreme of tenuity? A sprightly badinage,--a running fire of nonsense +for half an hour,--a tramp over unfamiliar ground with a familiar +guide,--a discussion of something with somebody who knows all about it, +or who, not knowing, wants to learn from you,--a pleasant interchange of +commonplaces with a circle of friends around the fire, at such hours as +you give to society: all this is not only tolerable, but +agreeable,--often positively delightful; but to have an indifferent +person, on no score but that of friendship, break into your sacred +presence, and suck your blood through indefinite cycles of time, is an +abomination. If he clatters on an indifferent subject, you can do well +enough for fifteen minutes, buoyed up by the hope that he will presently +have a fit, or be sent for, or come to some kind of an end. But when you +gradually open to the conviction that _vis inertiĉ_ rules the hour, and +the thing which has been is that which shall be, you wax listless; your +chariot-wheels drive heavily; your end of the pole drags in the mud, and +you speedily wallow in unmitigated disgust. If he broaches a subject on +which you have a real and deep living interest, you shrink from +unbosoming yourself to him. You feel that it would be sacrilege. He +feels nothing of the sort. He treads over your heart-strings in his +cowhide brogans, and does not see that they are not whip-cords. He pokes +his gold-headed cane in among your treasures, blind to the fact that you +are clutching both arms around them, that no gleam of flashing gold may +reveal their whereabouts to him. You draw yourself up in your shell, +projecting a monosyllabic claw occasionally as a sign of continued +vitality; but the pachyderm does not withdraw, and you gradually lower +into an indignation,--smothered, fierce, intense. + +Why, _why_, WHY will people inundate their unfortunate victims with such +"weak, washy, everlasting floods?" Why will they haul everything out +into the open day? Why will they make the Holy of Holies common and +unclean? Why will they be so ineffably stupid as not to see that there +is that which speech profanes? Why will they lower their drag-nets into +the unfathomable waters, in the vain attempt to bring up your pearls and +gems, whose luster would pale to ashes in the garish light, whose only +sparkle is in the deep sea-soundings? _Procul, O procul este, profani!_ + +O, the matchless power of silence! There are words that concentrate in +themselves the glory of a lifetime; but there is a silence that is more +precious than they. Speech ripples over the surface of life, but silence +sinks into its depths. Airy pleasantnesses bubble up in airy, pleasant +words. Weak sorrows quaver out their shallow being, and are not. When +the heart is cleft to its core, there is no speech nor language. + +Do not now, Messrs. Bores, think to retrieve your character by coming +into my house and sitting mute for two hours. Heaven forbid that your +blood should be found on my skirts! but I believe I shall kill you, if +you do. The only reason why I have not laid violent hands on you +heretofore is that your vapid talk has operated as a wire to conduct my +electricity to the receptive and kindly earth; but if you intrude upon +my magnetisms without any such life-preserver, your future in this world +is not worth a crossed sixpence. Your silence would break the reed that +your talk but bruised. The only people with whom it is a joy to sit +silent are the people with whom it is a joy to talk. Clear out! + +Friendship plays the mischief in the false ideas of constancy which are +generated and cherished in its name, if not by its agency. Your enemies +are intense, but temporary. Time wears off the edge of hostility. It is +the alembic in which offenses are dissolved into thin air, and a calm +indifference reigns in their stead. But your friends are expected to be +a permanent arrangement. They are not only a sore evil, but of long +continuance. Adhesiveness seems to be the head and front, the bones and +the blood, of their creed. It is not the direction of the quality, but +the quality itself, which they swear by. Only stick, it is no matter +what you stick to. Fall out with a man, and you can kiss and be friends +as soon as you like; the recording angel will set it down on the credit +side of his books. Fall in, and you are expected to stay in, _ad +infinitum, ad nauseam_. No matter what combination of laws got you +there, there you are, and there you must stay, for better, for worse, +till merciful death you do part,--or you are--"fickle." You find a man +entertaining for an hour, a week, a concert, a journey, and presto! you +are saddled with him forever. What preposterous absurdity! Do but look +at it calmly. You are thrown into contact with a person, and, as in duty +bound, you proceed to fathom him: for every man is a possible +revelation. In the deeps of his soul there may lie unknown worlds for +you. Consequently you proceed at once to experiment on him. It takes a +little while to get your tackle in order. Then the line begins to run +off rapidly, and your eager soul cries out, "Ah! what depth! What +perpetual calmness must be down below! What rest is here for all my +tumult! What a grand, vast nature is this!" Surely, surely, you are on +the high seas. Surely, you will not float serenely down the eternities! +But by and by there is a kink. You find that, though the line runs off +so fast, it does not go down,--it only floats out. A current has caught +it and bears it on horizontally. It does not sink plumb. You have been +deceived. Your grand Pacific Ocean is nothing but a shallow little +brook, that you can ford all the year round, if it does not utterly dry +up in the summer heats, when you want it most; or, at best, it is a +fussy little tormenting river, that won't and can't sail a sloop. What +are you going to do about it? You are going to wind up your lead and +line, shoulder your birch canoe, as the old sea-kings used, and thrid +the deep forests, and scale the purple hills, till you come to water +again, when you will unroll your lead and line for another essay. Is +that fickleness? What else can you do? Must you launch your bark on the +unquiet stream, against whose pebbly bottom the keel continually grates +and rasps your nerves--simply that your reputation suffer no detriment? +Fickleness? There is no fickleness about it. You were trying an +experiment which you had every right to try. As soon as you were +satisfied, you stopped. If you had stopped sooner, you would have been +unsatisfied. If you had stopped later, you would have been dissatisfied. +It is a criminal contempt of the magnificent possibilities of life not +to lay hold of "God's occasions floating by." It is an equally criminal +perversion of them to cling tenaciously to what was only the +_simulacrum_ of an occasion. A man will toil many days and nights among +the mountains to find an ingot of gold, which, found, he bears home with +infinite pains and just rejoicing; but he would be a fool who should +lade his mules with iron-pyrites to justify his labors, however severe. + +Fickleness! what is it, that we make such an ado about it? And what is +constancy, that it commands such usurious interest? The one is a foible +only in its relations. The other is only thus a virtue. "Fickle as the +winds" is our death-seal upon a man; but should we like our winds +unfickle? Would a perpetual northeaster lay us open to perpetual +gratitude? or is a soft south gale to be orisoned and vespered +forevermore? + +I am tired of this eternal prating of devotion and constancy. It is +senseless in itself and harmful in its tendencies. The dictate of reason +is to treat men and women as we do oranges. Suck all the juice out and +then let them go. Where is the good of keeping the peel and pulp-cells +till they get old, dry, and mouldy? Let them go, and they will help feed +the earth-worms and bugs and beetles who can hardly find existence a +continued banquet, and fertilize the earth, which will have you give +before you receive. Thus they will ultimately spring up in new and +beautiful shapes. Clung to with constancy, they stain your knife and +napkin, impart a bad odor to your dining-room, and degenerate into +something that is neither pleasant to the eye nor good for food. I +believe in a rotation of crops, morally and socially, as well as +agriculturally. When you have taken the measure of a man, when you have +sounded him and know that you can not wade in him more than ankle-deep, +when you have got out of him all that he has to yield for your soul's +sustenance and strength, what is the next thing to be done? Obviously, +pass him on; and turn you "to fresh woods and pastures new." Do you work +him an injury? By no means. Friends that are simply glued on, and don't +grow out of, are little worth. He has nothing more for you, nor you for +him; but he may be rich in juices wherewithal to nourish the heart of +another man, and their two lives, set together, may have an endosmose +and exosmose whose result shall be richness of soil, grandeur of growth, +beauty of foliage, and perfectness of fruit, while you and he would only +have languished into aridity and a stunted crab-tree. + +For my part, I desire to sweep off my old friends with the old year, and +begin the new with a clean record. It is a measure absolutely necessary. +The snake does not put on his new skin over the old one. He sloughs off +the first, before he dons the second. He would be a very clumsy serpent, +if he did not. One can not have successive layers of friendships any +more than the snake has successive layers of skins. One must adopt some +system to guard against a congestion of the heart from plethora of +loves. I go in for the much-abused, fair-weather, skin-deep, +April-shower friends,--the friends who will drop off, if let alone,--who +must be kept awake to be kept at all,--who will talk and laugh with you +as long as it suits your respective humors and you are prosperous and +happy,--the blessed butterfly-race, who flutter about your June +mornings, and when the clouds lower, and the drops patter, and the rains +descend, and the winds blow, will spread their gay wings and float +gracefully away to sunny, southern lands, where the skies are yet blue +and the breezes violet-scented. They are not only agreeable, but deeply +wise. So long as a man keeps his streamer flying, his sails set, and his +hull above water, it is pleasant to paddle alongside; but when the sails +split, the yards crack, and the keel goes staggering down, by all means +paddle off. Why should you be submerged in his whirlpool? Will he drown +any more easily because you are drowning with him? Lung is lung. He dies +from want of air, not from want of sympathy. When a poor fellow sits +down among the ashes, the best thing his friends can do is to stand afar +off. Job bore the loss of property, children, health, with equanimity. +Satan himself found his match there; and for all his buffeting, Job +sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. But Job's three friends must +needs make an appointment together to come and mourn with him and to +comfort him, and after this Job opened his mouth, and cursed his +day,--and no wonder. + +Your friends have an intimate knowledge of you that is astonishing to +contemplate. It is not that they know your affairs, which he who runs +may read, but they know you. From a bit of bone, Cuvier could predicate +a whole animal, even to the hide and hair. Such moral naturalists are +your dear five hundred friends. It seems to yourself that you are +immeasurably reticent. You know, of a certainty, that you project only +the smallest possible fragment of yourself. You yield your universality +to the bond of common brotherhood; but your individualism--what it is +that makes you you--withdraws itself naturally, involuntarily, +inevitably into the background,--the dim distance which their eyes can +not penetrate. But, from the fraction which you do project, they +construct another you, call it by your name, and pass it around for the +real, the actual you. You bristle with jest and laughter and wild whims, +to keep them at a distance; and they fancy this to be your every-day +equipment. They think your life holds constant carnival. It is +astonishing what ideas spring up in the heads of sensible people. There +are those who assume that a person can never have had any grief, unless +somebody has died, or he has been disappointed in love,--not knowing +that every avenue of joy lies open to the tramp of pain. They see the +flashing coronet on the queen's brow, and they infer a diamond woman, +not recking of the human heart that throbs wildly out of sight. They see +the foam-crest on the wave, and picture an Atlantic Ocean of froth, and +not the solemn sea that stands below in eternal equipoise. You turn to +them the luminous crescent of your life, and they call it the whole +round globe; and so they love you with a love that is agate, not pearl, +because what they love in you is something infinitely below the highest. +They love you level: they have never scaled your heights nor fathomed +your depths. And when they talk of you as familiarly as if they had +taken out your auricles and ventricles, and turned them inside out, and +wrung them, and shaken them,--when they prate of your transparency and +openness, the abandonment with which you draw aside the curtain and +reveal the inmost thoughts of your heart,--you, who are to yourself a +miracle and a mystery, you smile inwardly, and are content. They are on +the wrong scent, and you may pursue your plans in peace. They are +indiscriminate and satisfied. They do not know the relation of what +appears to what is. If they chance to skirt along the coasts of your +Purple Island, it will be only chance, and they will not know it. You +may close your port-holes, lower your drawbridge, and make merry, for +they will never come within gunshot of the "round tower of your heart." + +There is no such thing as knowing a man intimately. Every soul is, for +the greater part of its mortal life, isolated from every other. Whether +it dwell in the Garden of Eden or the Desert of Sahara, it dwells alone. +Not only do we jostle against the street crowd unknowing and unknown, +but we go out and come in, we lie down and rise up, with strangers. +Jupiter and Neptune sweep the heavens not more unfamiliar to us than the +worlds that circle our own hearthstone. Day after day, and year after +year a person moves by your side; he sits at the same table; he reads +the same books; he kneels in the same church. You know every hair of his +head, every trick of his lips, every tone of his voice; you can tell him +far off by his gait. Without seeing him, you recognize his step, his +knock, his laugh. "Know him? Yes, I have known him these twenty years." +No, you don't know him. You know his gait, and hair, and voice. You know +what preacher he hears, what ticket he voted, and what were his last +year's expenses; but you don't know him. He sits quietly in his chair, +but he is in the temple. You speak to him; his soul comes out into the +vestibule to answer you, and returns,--and the gates are shut; therein +you can not enter. You were discussing the state of the country; but +when you ceased, he opened a postern-gate, went down a bank, and +launched on a sea over whose waters you have no boat to sail, no star to +guide. You have loved and reverenced him. He has been your concrete of +truth and nobleness. Unwittingly you touch a secret spring, and a +Blue-Beard chamber stands revealed. You give no sign; you meet and part +as usual; but a Dead Sea rolls between you two forevermore. + +It must be so. Not even to the nearest and dearest can one unveil the +secret place where his soul abideth, so that there shall be no more any +winding ways or hidden chambers; but to your indifferent neighbor, what +blind alleys, and deep caverns, and inaccessible mountains! To him who +"touches the electric chain wherewith you're darkly bound," your soul +sends back an answering thrill. One little window is opened, and there +is short parley. Your ships speak each other now and then in welcome, +though imperfect communication; but immediately you strike out again +into the great, shoreless sea, over which you must sail forever alone. +You may shrink from the far-reaching solitudes of your heart, but no +other foot than yours can tread them, save those + + "That, eighteen hundred years ago, were nailed, + For our advantage, to the bitter cross." + +Be thankful that it is so,--that only His eye sees whose hand formed. If +we could look in, we should be appalled at the vision. The worlds that +glide around us are mysteries too high for us. We can not attain to +them. The naked soul is a sight too awful for man to look at and live. +There are individuals whose topography we would like to know a little +better, and there is danger that we crash against each other while +roaming around in the dark; but for all that, would we not have the +constitution broken up. Somebody says, "In Heaven there will be no +secrets," which, it seems to me, would be intolerable. (If that were a +revelation from the King of Heaven, of course I would not speak +flippantly of it; but though towards Heaven we look with reverence and +humble hope, I do not know that Tom, Dick and Harry's notions of it have +any special claim to our respect.) Such publicity would destroy all +individuality, and undermine the foundations of society. +Clairvoyance--if there be any such thing--always seemed to me a stupid +impertinence. When people pay visits to me, I wish them to come to the +front door, and ring the bell, and send up their names. I don't wish +them to climb in at the window, or creep through the pantry, or, worst +of all, float through the key-hole, and catch me in undress. So I +believe that in all worlds thoughts will be the subjects of +volition,--more accurately expressed when expression is desired, but +just as entirely suppressed when we will suppression. + +After all, perhaps the chief trouble arises from a prevalent confusion +of ideas as to what constitutes a man your friend. Friendship may stand +for that peaceful complacence which you feel towards all well-behaved +people who wear clean collars and use tolerable grammar. This is a very +good meaning, if everybody will subscribe to it. But sundry of these +well-behaved people will mistake your civility and complacence for a +recognition of special affinity, and proceed at once to frame an +alliance offensive and defensive while the sun and the moon shall +endure. O, the barnacles that cling to your keel in such waters! The +inevitable result is, that they win your intense rancor. You would feel +a genial kindliness toward them, if they would be satisfied with that; +but they lay out to be your specialty. They infer your innocent little +inch to be the standard-bearer of twenty ells, and goad you to frenzy. I +mean you, you desperate little horror, who nearly dethroned my reason +six years ago! I always meant to have my revenge, and here I impale you +before the public. For three months, you fastened yourself upon me, and +I could not shake you off. What availed it me, that you were an honest +and excellent man? Did I not, twenty times a day, wish you had been a +villain, who had insulted me, and I a Kentucky giant, that I might have +the unspeakable satisfaction of knocking you down? But you added to your +crimes virtue. Villainy had no part or lot in you. You were a member of +a church, in good and regular standing; you had graduated with all the +honors worth mentioning; you had not a sin, a vice, or a fault that I +knew of; and you were so thoroughly good and repulsive that you were a +great grief to me. Do you think, you dear, disinterested wretch, that I +have forgotten how you were continually putting yourself to horrible +inconveniences on my account? Do you think I am not now filled with +remorse for the aversion that rooted itself ineradicably in my soul, and +which now gloats over you, as you stand in the pillory where my own +hands have fastened you? But can nature be crushed forever? Did I not +ruin my nerves, and seriously injure my temper, by the overpowering +pressure I laid upon them to keep them quiet when you were by? Could I +not, by the sense of coming ill through all my quivering frame, presage +your advent as exactly as the barometer heralds the approaching storm? +Those three months of agony are little atoned for by this late +vengeance; but go in peace! + +Mysterious are the ways of friendship. It is not a matter of reason or +of choice, but of magnetisms. You can not always give the premises nor +the argument, but the conclusion is a palpable and stubborn fact. Abana +and Pharpar may be broad, and deep, and blue, and grand; but only in +Jordan shall your soul wash and be clean. A thousand brooks are born of +the sunshine and the mountains: very, very few are they whose flow can +mingle with yours, and not disturb, but only deepen and broaden the +current. + +Your friend! Who shall describe him, or worthily paint what he is to +you? No merchant, nor lawyer, nor farmer, nor statesman claims your +suffrage, but a kingly soul. He comes to you from God,--a prophet, a +seer, a revealer. He has a clear vision. His love is reverence. He goes +into the _penetralia_ of your life,--not presumptuously, but with +uncovered head, unsandaled feet, and pours libations at the innermost +shrine. His incense is grateful. For him the sunlight brightens, the +skies grow rosy, and all the days are Junes. Wrapped in his love, you +float in a delicious rest, rocked in the bosom of purple, scented waves. +Nameless melodies sing themselves through your heart. A golden glow +suffices your atmosphere. A vague, fine ecstasy thrills to the sources +of life, and earth lays hold on Heaven. Such friendship is worship. It +elevates the most trifling services into rites. The humblest offices are +sanctified. All things are baptized into a new name. Duty is lost in +joy. Care veils itself in caresses. Drudgery becomes delight. There is +no longer anything menial, small, or servile. All is transformed + + "Into something rich and strange." + +The homely household-ways lead through beds of spices and orchards of +pomegranates. The daily toil among your parsnips and carrots is plucking +May violets with the dew upon them to meet the eyes you love upon their +first awaking. In the burden and heat of the day you hear the rustling +of summer showers and the whispering of summer winds. Everything is +lifted up from the plane of labor to the plane of love, and a glory +spans your life. With your friend, speech and silence are one; for a +communion mysterious and intangible reaches across from heart to heart. +The many dig and delve in your nature with fruitless toil to find the +spring of living water: he only raises his wand, and, obedient to the +hidden power, it bends at once to your secret. Your friendship, though +independent of language, gives to it life and light. The mystic spirit +stirs even in commonplaces, and the merest question is an endearment. +You are quiet because your heart is over-full. You talk because it is +pleasant, not because you have anything to say. You weary of terms that +are already love-laden, and you go out into the highways and hedges, and +gather up the rough, wild, wilful words, heavy with the hatreds of men, +and fill them to the brim with honey-dew. All things great and small, +grand or humble, you press into your service, force them to do soldier's +duty, and your banner over them is love. + +With such a friendship, presence alone is happiness; nor is absence +wholly void,--for memories, and hopes, and pleasing fancies, sparkle +through the hours, and you know the sunshine will come back. + +For such friendship one is grateful. No matter that it comes unsought, +and comes not for the seeking. You do not discuss the reasonableness of +your gratitude. You only know that your whole being bows with humility +and utter thankfulness to him who thus crowns you monarch of all +realms. + +And the kingdom is everlasting. A weak love dies weakly with the +occasion that gave it birth; but such friendship is born of the +gods, and immortal. Clouds and darkness may sweep around it, but +within the cloud the glory lives undimmed. Death has no power over it. +Time can not diminish, nor even dishonor annul it. Its direction may +have been earthly, but itself is divine. You go back into your solitudes: +all is silent as aforetime, but you can not forget that a Voice once +resounded there. A Presence filled the valleys and gilded the +mountain-tops,--breathed upon the plains, and they sprang up in lilies +and roses,--flashed upon the waters, and they flowed to spheral +melody,--swept through the forests, and they, too, trembled into song. +And though now the warmth has faded out, though the ruddy tints and +amber clearness have paled to ashen hues, though the murmuring melodies +are dead, and forest, vale, and hill look hard and angular in the sharp +air, you know that it is not death. The fire is unquenched beneath. You +go your way not disconsolate. There needs but the Victorious Voice. At +the touch of the prince's lips, life shall rise again and be perfected +forevermore. + + + + +PONCHUS PILUT + +BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY + + + Ponchus Pilut _used_ to be + 1st a _Slave_, an' now he's _free_. + Slaves wuz on'y ist before + The War wuz--an' _ain't_ no more. + + He works on our place fer us,-- + An' comes here--_sometimes_ he does. + He shocks corn an' shucks it.--An' + He makes hominy "by han'!"-- + + Wunst he bringed us some, one trip, + Tied up in a piller-slip: + Pa says, when Ma cooked it, "MY! + This-here's gooder'n you _buy_!" + + Ponchus _pats_ fer me an' sings; + An' he says most _funny_ things! + Ponchus calls a dish a "_deesh_"-- + Yes, an' _he_ calls fishes "_feesh_"! + + When Ma want him eat wiv us + He says, "'Skuse me--'deed you mus'!-- + Ponchus know good manners, Miss.-- + He aint eat wher' White-folks is!" + + 'Lindy takes _his_ dinner out + Wher' he's workin'--roun' about.-- + Wunst he et his dinner, spread + In our ole wheel-borry-bed. + + _Ponchus Pilut_ says "_'at's_ not + His _right_ name,--an' done fergot + What his _sho'-nuff_ name is now-- + An' don' matter none _no_how!" + + Yes, an' Ponchus he'ps Pa, too, + When our _butcherin's_ to do, + An' scalds hogs--an' says "Take care + 'Bout it, er you'll _set the hair_!" + + Yes, an' out in our back-yard + He he'ps 'Lindy rendur lard; + An', wite in the fire there, he + Roast' a pig-tail wunst fer me.-- + + An' ist nen th'ole tavurn-bell + Rung, down town, an' he says "Well!-- + Hear dat! _Lan' o' Canaan_, Son, + Aint dat bell say '_Pig-tail done!_' + + --'_Pig-tail done! + Go call Son!-- + Tell dat + Chile dat + Pig-tail done!_'" + + + + +THE WOLF AT SUSAN'S DOOR + +BY ANNE WARNER + + +"Well, Lucy has got Hiram!" + +There was such a strong inflection of triumphant joy in Miss Clegg's +voice as she called the momentous news to her friend that it would have +been at once--and most truthfully--surmised that the getting of Hiram +had been a more than slight labor. + +Mrs. Lathrop was waiting by the fence, impatience written with a +wandering reflection all over the serenity of her every-day expression. +Susan only waited to lay aside her bonnet and mitts and then hastened to +the fence herself. + +"Mrs. Lathrop, you never saw nor heard the like of this weddin' day in +all your own days to be or to come, and I don't suppose there ever will +be anything like it again, for Lucy Dill didn't cut no figger in her own +weddin' a-_tall_,--the whole thing was Gran'ma Mullins first, last and +forever hereafter. I tell you it looked once or twice as if it wouldn't +be a earthly possibility to marry Hiram away from his mother, and now +that it's all over people can't do anything but say as after all Lucy +ought to consider herself very lucky as things turned out, for if things +hadn't turned out as they did turn out I don't believe anything on earth +could have unhooked that son, and I'm willin' to swear that anywhere to +any one. + +"Do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, that Gran'ma Mullins was so bad off last +night as they had to put a mustard plaster onto her while Hiram went to +see Lucy for the last time, an' Mrs. Macy says as she never hear the +beat o' her memory, for she says she'll take her Bible oath as Gran'ma +Mullins told her what Hiram said and done every minute o' his life while +he was gone to see Lucy Dill. And she cried, too, and took on the whole +time she was talkin' an' said Heaven help her, for nobody else could, +an' she just knowed Lucy'd get tired o' Hiram's story an' he can't be +happy a whole day without he tells it, an' she's most sure Lucy won't +like his singin' 'Marchin' Through Georgia' after the first month or +two, an' it's the only tune as Hiram has ever really took to. Mrs. Macy +says she soon found she couldn't do nothin' to stem the tide except to +drink tea an' listen, so she drank an' listened till Hiram come home +about eleven. Oh, my, but she says they had the time then! Gran'ma +Mullins let him in herself, and just as soon as he was in she bu'st into +floods of tears an' wouldn't let him loose under no consideration. She +says Hiram managed to get his back to the wall for a brace 'cause +Gran'ma Mullins nigh to upset him every fresh time as Lucy come over +her, an' Mrs. Macy says she couldn't but wonder what the end was goin' +to be when, toward midnight, Hiram just lost patience and dodged out +under her arm and run up the ladder to the roof-room an' they couldn't +get him to come down again. She says when Gran'ma Mullins realized as he +wouldn't come down she most went mad over the notion of her only son's +spendin' the Christmas Eve to his own weddin' sleepin' on the floor o' +the attic and she wanted to poke the cot up to him but Mrs. Macy says +she drew the line at cot-pokin' when the cot was all she'd have to sleep +on herself, and in the end they poked quilts up, an' pillows an' +doughnuts an' cider an' blankets, an' Hiram made a bed on the floor an' +they all got to sleep about three o'clock. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think? What _do_ you think? They was so +awful tired that none of 'em woke till Mrs. Sperrit come at eleven next +day to take 'em to the weddin'! Mrs. Macy says she hopes she'll be put +forward all her back-slidin's if she ever gets such a start again. She +says when she peeked out between the blinds an' see Mrs. Sperrit's +Sunday bonnet an' realized her own state she nearly had a fit. Mrs. +Sperrit had to come in an' be explained to, an' the worst of it was as +Hiram couldn't be woke nohow. He'd pulled the ladder up after him an' +put the lid on the hole so's to feel safe, an' there he was snug as a +bug in a rug an' where no human bein' could get at him. They hollered +an' banged doors an' sharpened the carvin' knife an' poured grease on +the stove an' did anything they could think of, but he never budged. +Mrs. Macy says she never was so close beside herself in all her life +before, for Gran'ma Mullins cried worse 'n ever each minute an' Hiram +seemed like the very dead couldn't wake him. + +"They was all hoppin' around half crazy when Mr. Sperrit come along on +his way to the weddin' an' his wife run out an' told him what was the +matter an' he come right in an' looked up at the matter. It didn't take +long for him to unsettle Hiram, Mrs. Macy says. He got a sulphur candle +an' tied it to a stick an' h'isted the lid with another stick, an' in +less 'n two minutes they could all hear Hiram sneezin' an' comin' to. +An' Mrs. Macy says when they hollered what time it was she wishes the +whole town might have been there to see Hiram Mullins come down to +earth. Mr. Sperrit didn't hardly have time to get out o' the way an' he +didn't give his mother no show for one single grab,--he just bounced +into his room and you could have heard him gettin' dressed on the far +side o' the far bridge. + +"O' course, us at Lucy's didn't know anythin' a-_tall_ about Mrs. Macy's +troubles. We had our own, Heaven help us, an' they was enough, for the +very first thing of all Mr. Dill caught his pocket on the corner of Mrs. +Dill an' come within a ace of pullin' her off her easel. That would have +been a pretty beginnin' to Lucy's weddin' day if her father had smashed +her mother to bits, I guess, but it couldn't have made Lucy any worse; +for I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as I never see no one in all my born life +act foolisher than Lucy Dill this day. First she'd laugh an' then she'd +cry an' then she'd lose suthin' as we'd got to have to work with. An' +when it come to dressin' her!--well, if she'd known as Hiram was +sleepin' a sleep as next to knowed no wakin' she couldn't have put on +more things wrong side out an' hind side before! She wasn't dressed till +most every one was there an' I was gettin' pretty anxious, for Hiram +wasn't there neither, an' the more fidgety people got the more they +caught their corners on Mrs. Dill. I just saved her from Mr. Kimball, +an' Amelia saw her goin' as a result o' Judge Fitch an' hardly had time +for a jump. The minister himself was beginnin' to cough when, all of a +sudden, some one cried as the Sperrits was there. + +"Well, we all squeezed to the window, an' such a sight you never saw. +They was gettin' Gran'ma Mullins out an' Hiram was tryin' to keep her +from runnin' the color of his cravat all down his shirt while she was +sobbin' 'Hi-i-i-i-ram, Hi-i-i-i-i-ram,' in a voice as would wring your +very heart dry. They got her out an' got her in an' got her upstairs, +an' we all sat down an' begin to get ready while Amelia played 'Lead, +Kindly Light' and 'The Joyous Farmer' alternate, 'cause she'd mislaid +her Weddin' March. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never knowed nothin' like it!--we waited, +_an'_ we waited, _an'_ we waited, an' the minister most coughed himself +into consumption, an' Mrs. Dill got caught on so often that Mr. Kimball +told Ed to stand back of her an' hold her to the easel every minute. +Amelia was just beginning over again for the seventeenth time when at +last we heard 'em bumpin' along downstairs. Seems as all the delay come +from Lucy's idea o' wantin' to walk with her father an' have a weddin' +procession, instid o' her an' Hiram comin' in together like Christians +an' lettin' Mr. Dill hold Gran'ma Mullins up anywhere. Polly says she +never see such a time as they had of it; she says fightin' wolves was +layin' lambs beside the way they talked. Hiram said frank an' open as +the reason he didn't want to walk in with his mother was he was sure she +wouldn't let him out to get married, but Lucy was dead set on the +procession idea. So in the end they done it so, an' Gran'ma Mullins's +sobs fairly shook the house as they come through the dinin'-room door. +Lucy was first with her father an' they both had their heads turned +backward lookin' at Hiram an' his mother. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, it was certainly a sight worth seem'! The way that +Gran'ma Mullins was glued on! All I can say is as octopuses has got +their backs turned in comparison to the way that Hiram seemed to be all +wrapped up in her. It looked like wild horses, not to speak of Lucy +Dill, wouldn't never be able to get him loose enough to marry him. The +minister was scared; we was all scared. I never see a worse situation to +be in. + +"They come along through the back parlor, Lucy lookin' back, Mr. Dill +white as a sheet, an' Hiram walkin' like a snow-plough as isn't sure how +long it can keep on makin' it. It seemed like a month as they was under +way before they finally got stopped in front o' the minister. An' then +come _the_ time! Hiram had to step beside Lucy an' take her hand an' he +couldn't! We all just gasped. There was Hiram tryin' to get loose and +Mr. Dill tryin' to help him. Gran'ma Mullins's tears dripped till you +could hear 'em, but she hung on to Hiram like he'd paid for it. They +worked like Trojan beavers, but as fast as they'd get one side of him +uncovered she'd take a fresh wind-round. I tell you, we all just held +our breath, and I bet Lucy was sorry she persisted in havin' a +procession when she see the perspiration runnin' off her father an' +Hiram. + +"Finally Polly got frightened and begun to cry, an' at that the deacon +put his arm around her an' give her a hug, an' Gran'ma Mullins looked up +just in time to see the arm an' the hug. It seemed like it was the last +hay in the donkey, for she give a weak screech an' went right over on +Mr. Dill. She had such a grip on Hiram that if it hadn't been for Lucy +he'd have gone over, too, but Lucy just hung on herself that time, an' +Hiram was rescued without nothin' worse than his hair mussed an' one +sleeve a little tore. Mr. Sperrit an' Mr. Jilkins carried Gran'ma +Mullins into the dinin'-room, an' I said to just leave her fainted till +after we'd got Hiram well an' truly married; so they did. + +"I never see the minister rattle nothin' through like that +marriage-service. Every one was on whole papers of pins an' needles, an' +the minute it was over every one just felt like sittin' right straight +down. + +"Mrs. Macy an' me went up an' watered Gran'ma Mullins till we brought +her to, and when she learned as it was all done she picked up wonderful +and felt as hungry as any one, an' come downstairs an' kissed Lucy an' +caught a corner on Mrs. Dill just like she'd never been no trouble to no +one from first to last. I never seen such a sudden change in all my +life; it was like some miracle had come out all over her and there +wasn't no one there as wasn't rejoiced to death over the change. + +"We all went out in the dinin'-room and the sun shone in and every one +laughed over nothin' a-_tall_. Mrs. Sperrit pinned Hiram up from inside +so his tear didn't show, and Lucy and he set side by side and looked +like no one was ever goin' to ever be married again. Polly an' the +deacon set opposite and the minister an' his wife an' Mr. Dill an' +Gran'ma Mullins made up the table. The rest stood around, and we was all +as lively as words can tell. The cake was one o' the handsomest as I +ever see, two pigeons peckin' a bell on top and Hiram an' Lucy runnin' +around below in pink. There was a dime inside an' a ring, an' I got the +dime, an' they must have forgot to put in the ring for no one got it." + +Susan paused and panted. + +"It was--" commented Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully. + +"Nice that I got the dime?--yes, I should say. There certainly wasn't no +one there as needed it worse, an', although I'd never be one to call a +dime a fortune, still it _is_ a dime, an' no one can't deny it the +honor, no matter how they feel. But, Mrs. Lathrop, what you'd ought to +have seen was Hiram and Lucy ready to go off. I bet no one knows they're +brides--I bet no one knows _what_ they are,--you never saw the like in +all your worst dreams. Hiram wore spectacles an' carpet-slippers an' +that old umbrella as Mr. Shores keeps at the store to keep from bein' +stole, and Lucy wore clothes she'd found in trunks an' her hair in +curl-papers, an' her cold-cream gloves. They certainly was a sight, an' +Gran'ma Mullins laughed as hard as any one over them. Mr. Sperrit drove +'em to the train, an' Hiram says he's goin' to spend two dollars a day +right along till he comes back; so I guess Lucy'll have a good time for +once in her life. An' Gran'ma Mullins walked back with me an' not one +word o' Hiram did she speak. She was all Polly an' the deacon. She said +it wa'n't in reason as Polly could imagine him with hair, an' she said +she was thinkin' very seriously o' givin' her a piece o' his hair as +she's got, for a weddin' present. She said Polly 'd never know what he +was like the night he give her that hair. She said the moon was shinin' +an' the frogs were croakin', an' she kind o' choked; she says she can't +smell a marsh to this day without seein' the deacon givin' her that +piece of hair. I cheered her up all I could--I told her anyhow he +couldn't give Polly a piece of his hair if he died for it. She smiled a +weak smile an' went on up to Mrs. Brown's. Mrs. Brown asked her to stay +with her a day or two. Mrs. Brown has her faults, but nobody can't deny +as she's got a good heart,--in fact, sometimes I think Mrs. Brown's good +heart is about the worst fault she's got. I've knowed it lead her to do +very foolish things time an' again--things as I thank my star I'd never +think o' doin'--not in this world." + +Mrs. Lathrop shifted her elbows a little; Susan withdrew at once from +the fence. + +"I must go in," she said, "to-morrow is goin' to be a more 'n full day. +There's Polly's weddin' an' then in the evenin' Mr. Weskin is comin' up. +You needn't look surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, because I've thought the +subject over up an' down an' hind end foremost an' there ain't nothin' +left for me to do. I can't sell nothin' else an' I've got to have money, +so I'm goin' to let go of one of those bonds as father left me. There +ain't no way out of it; I told Mr. Weskin I'd expect him at sharp eight +on sharp business an' he'll come. An' I must go as a consequence. Good +night." + + * * * * * + +Polly Allen's wedding took place the next day, and Mrs. Lathrop came +out on her front piazza about half past five to wait for her share in +the event. + +The sight of Mrs. Brown going by with her head bound up in a white +cloth, accompanied by Gran'ma Mullins with both hands similarly treated, +was the first inkling the stay-at-home had that strange doings had been +lately done. + +Susan came next and Susan was a sight! + +Not only did her ears stand up with a size and conspicuousness never +inherited from either her father or her mother, but also her right eye +was completely closed and she walked lame. + +"The Lord have mercy!" cried Mrs. Lathrop, when the full force of her +friend's affliction effected its complete entrance into her +brain,--"Why, Susan, what--" + +"Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg, "all I can say is I come out better +than the most of 'em, an' if you could see Sam Duruy or Mr. Kimball or +the minister you'd know I spoke the truth. The deacon an' Polly is both +in bed an' can't see how each other looks, an' them as has a eye is +goin' to tend them as can't see at all, an' God help 'em all if young +Dr. Brown an' the mud run dry!" with which pious ejaculation Susan +painfully mounted the steps and sat down with exceeding gentleness upon +a chair. + +Mrs. Lathrop stared at her in dumb and wholly bewildered amazement. +After a while Miss Clegg continued. + +"It was all the deacon's fault. Him an' Polly was so dead set on bein' +fashionable an' bein' a contrast to Hiram an' Lucy, an' I hope to-night +as they lay there all puffed up as they'll reflect on their folly an' +think a little on how the rest of us as didn't care rhyme or reason for +folly is got no choice but to puff up, too. Mrs. Jilkins is awful mad; +she says Mr. Jilkins wanted to wear his straw hat anyhow and, she says +she always has hated his silk hat 'cause it reminds her o' when she was +young and foolish enough to be willin' to go and marry into a family as +was foolish enough to marry into Deacon White. Mrs. Jilkins is extra hot +because she got one in the neck, but my own idea is as Polly Allen's +weddin' was the silliest doin's as I ever see from the beginnin', an' +the end wan't no more than might o' been expected--all things +considered. + +"When I got to the church, what do you think was the first thing as I +see, Mrs. Lathrop? Well, you'd never guess till kingdom come, so I may +as well tell you. It was Ed an' Sam Duruy an' Henry Ward Beecher an' +Johnny standin' there waitin' to show us to our pews like we didn't know +our own pews after sittin' in 'em for all our life-times! I just shook +my head an' walked to my pew, an' there, if it wasn't looped shut with a +daisy-chain! Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could have been there to +have felt for me, for I may remark as a cyclone is a caterpillar wove up +in hisself beside my face when I see myself daisy-chained out o' my own +pew by Polly Allen. Ed was behind me an' he whispered 'That's reserved +for the family.' I give him one look an' I will state, Mrs. Lathrop, as +he wilted. It didn't take me long to break that daisy-chain an' sit down +in that pew, an' I can assure you as no one asked me to get up again. +Mrs. Jilkins's cousins from Meadville come an' looked at me sittin' +there, but I give them jus' one look back an' they went an' sat with +Mrs. Macy themselves. A good many other folks was as surprised as me +over where they had to sit, but we soon had other surprises as took the +taste o' the first clean out o' our mouths. + +"Just as Mrs. Davison begin to play the organ, Ed an' Johnny come down +with two clothes-lines wound 'round with clematis an' tied us all in +where we sat. Then they went back an' we all stayed still an' couldn't +but wonder what under the sun was to be done to us next. But we didn't +have long to wait, an' I will say as anythin' to beat Polly's ideas I +never see--no--nor no one else neither. + +"'Long down the aisle, two an' two, an' hand in hand, like they thought +they was suthin' pretty to look at, come Ed an' Johnny an' Henry Ward +Beecher an' Sam Duruy, an' I vow an' declare, Mrs. Lathrop, I never was +so nigh to laughin' in church in all my life. They knowed they was +funny, too, an' their mouths an' eyes was tight set sober, but some one +in the back just _had_ to giggle, an' when we heard it we knew as things +as wasn't much any other day would use us up this day, sure. They +stopped in front an' lined up, two on a side, an' then, for all the +world like it was a machine-play, the little door opened an' out come +the minister an' solemnly walked down to between them. I must say we was +all more than a little disappointed at its only bein' the minister, an' +he must have felt our feelin's, for he began to cough an' clear up his +throat an' his little desk all at once. Then Mrs. Davison jerked out the +loud stop an' began to play for all she was worth, an' the door behind +banged an' every one turned aroun' to see. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we saw,--an' I will in truth remark as such a +sawin' we'll never probably get a chance to do again! Mrs. Sweet says +they practised it over four times at the church, so they can't deny as +they meant it all, an' you might lay me crossways an' cut me into +chipped beef an' still I would declare as I wouldn't have the face to +own to havin' had any hand in plannin' any such weddin'. + +"First come 'Liza Em'ly an' Rachel Rebecca hand in hand carryin' +daisies--of all things in the world to take to a weddin'--an' then come +Brunhilde Susan, with a daisy-chain around her neck an' her belt stuck +full o' daisies an'--you can believe me or not, jus' as you please, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' still it won't help matters any--an' a daisy stuck in every +button down her back, an' daisies tangled up in her hair, an' a bunch o' +daisies under one arm. + +"Well, we was nigh to overcome by Brunhilde Susan, but we drawed some +fresh breath an' kept on lookin', an' next come Polly an' Mr. Allen. I +will say for Mr. Allen as he seemed to feel the ridiculousness of it +all, for a redder man I never see, nor one as looked more uncomfortable. +He was daisied, too--had three in his button-hole;--but what took us all +was the way him an' Polly walked. I bet no people gettin' married ever +zig-zagged like that before, an' Mrs. Sweet says they practised it by +countin' two an' then swingin' out to one side, an' then countin' two +an' swingin' out to the other--she watched 'em out of her attic window +down through the broke blind to the church. Well, all I can say is, that +to my order o' thinkin' countin' an' swingin' is a pretty frame o' mind +to get a husband in, but so it was, an' we was all starin' our eyes off +to beat the band when the little door opened an', to crown everythin' +else, out come the deacon an' Mr. Jilkins, each with a daisy an' a silk +hat, an' I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as new-born kittens is blood-red +murderers compared to how innocent that hat o' Mr. Jilkins' looked. Any +one could see as it wasn't new, but he wasn't new either, as far as that +goes, an' that was what struck me in particular about the whole +thing--nothin' an' nobody wasn't any different only for Polly's +foolishness and the daisies. + +"Well, they sorted out an' begun to get married, an' us all sittin' +lookin' on an' no more guessin' what was comin' next than a ant looks +for a mornin' paper. The minister was gettin' most through an' the +deacon was gettin' out the ring, an' we was lookin' to get up an' out +pretty quick, when--my heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I never will forget +that minute--when Mr. Jilkins--poor man, he's sufferin' enough for it, +Lord knows!--when Mr. Jilkins dropped his hat! + +"That very next second him an' Ed an' Brunhilde Susan all hopped an' +yelled at once, an' the next thing we see was the minister droppin' his +book an' grabbin' his arm an' the deacon tryin' madly to do hisself up +in Polly's veil. We would 'a' all been glum petrified at such goin's on +any other day, only by that time the last one of us was feelin' to hop +and grab an' yell on his own account. Gran'ma Mullins was tryin' to slap +herself with the seat cushion, an' the way the daisies flew as folks +went over an' under that clematis rope was a caution. I got out as quick +as I--" + +"But what--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop, her eyes fairly marble-like in +their redundant curiosity. + +"It was wasps!" said Susan, "it was a young wasps' nest in Mr. Jilkins's +hat. Seems they carried their hats to church in their hands 'cause Polly +didn't want no red rings around 'em, an' so he never suspected nothin' +till he dropped it. An' oh, poor little Brunhilde Susan in them short +skirts of hers--she might as well have wore a bee hive as to be like she +is now. I got off easy, an' you can look at me an' figure on what them +as got it hard has got on them. Young Dr. Brown went right to work with +mud an' Polly's veil an' plastered 'em over as fast as they could get +into Mrs. Sweet's. Mrs. Sweet was mighty obligin' an' turned two +flower-beds inside out an' let every one scoop with her kitchen spoons, +besides runnin' aroun' herself like she was a slave gettin' paid. They +took the deacon an' Polly right to their own house. They can't see one +another anyhow, an' they was most all married anyway, so it didn't seem +worth while to wait till the minister gets the use of his upper lip +again." + +"Why--" interrogated Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Young Dr. Brown wanted to," said Susan, "he wanted to fill my ears with +mud, an' my eye, too, but I didn't feel to have it done. You can't die +o' wasps' bills, an' you can o' young Dr. Brown's--leastways when you +ain't got no money to pay 'em, like I ain't got just at present." + +"It's--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes," said Susan, "it struck me that way, too. This seems to be a very +unlucky town. Anything as comes seems to catch us all in a bunch. The +cow most lamed the whole community an' the automobile most broke its +back; time'll tell what'll be the result o' these wasps, but there won't +be no church Sunday for one thing, I know. + +"An' it ain't the least o' my woes, Mrs. Lathrop, to think as I've got +to sit an' smile on Mr. Weskin to-night from between two such ears as +I've got, for a man is a man, an' it can't be denied as a woman as is +mainly ears ain't beguilin'. Besides, I may in confidence state to you, +Mrs. Lathrop, as the one as buzzed aroun' my head wan't really no wasp +a-_tall_ in comparison to the one as got under my skirts." + +Mrs. Lathrop's eyes were full of sincere condolence; she did not even +imagine a smile as she gazed upon her afflicted friend. + +"I must go," said the latter, rising with a groan, "seems like I never +will reach the bottom o' my troubles this year. I keep thinkin' there's +nothin' left an' then I get a wasp at each end at once. Well, I'll come +over when Mr. Weskin goes--if I have strength." + +Then she limped home. + + * * * * * + +It was about nine that night that she returned and pounded vigorously on +her friend's window-pane. Mrs. Lathrop woke from her rocker-nap, went to +the window and opened it. Susan stood below and the moon illuminated her +smile and her ears with its most silvery beams. + +"He's just gone!" she announced. + +"Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, rubbing her eyes. + +"He's gone; I come over to tell you." + +"What--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I wouldn't care if my ears was as big as a elephant's now." + +"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Mrs. Lathrop, you know as I took them bonds straight after father died +an' locked 'em up an' I ain't never unlocked 'em since?" + +Mrs. Lathrop assented with a single rapt nod. + +"Well, when I explained to Mr. Weskin as I'd got to have money an' how +was the best way to sell a bond, he just looked at me, an' what do you +think he said--what _do_ you think he said, Mrs. Lathrop?" + +Mrs. Lathrop hung far out over the window-sill--her gaze was the gaze of +the ever earnest and interested. + +Susan stood below. Her face was aglow with the joy of the affluent--her +very voice might have been for once entitled as silvery. + +"He said, Mrs. Lathrop, he said, 'Miss Clegg, why don't you go down to +the bank and cut your coupons?'" + + + + +THE TWO PRISONERS + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + +Once upon a time there were two Prisoners at the bar, who endeavored to +plead for themselves with Tact and Wisdom. + +One concealed certain Facts prejudicial to his Cause; upon which the +Judge said: "If you had Confessed the Truth it would have Biased me in +your Favor; as it is, I Condemn you to Punishment." + +The other stated his Case with absolute Truth and Sincerity, concealing +Nothing; and the result was that he was Condemned for his Misdemeanors. + + +MORALS: + +This Fable teaches that Honesty is the Best Policy, and that the Truth +should not Be spoken at All Times. + + + + +A MODERN ADVANTAGE + +BY CHARLOTTE BECKER + + + One morning, when the sun shone bright + And all the earth was fair, + I met a little city child, + Whose ravings rent the air. + + "I lucidly can penetrate + The Which," I heard him say,-- + "The How is, wonderfully, come + To clear the limpid way. + + "The sentence, rarely, rose and fell + From ceiling to the floor; + Her words were spotlessly arranged, + She gave me, strangely, more." + + "What troubles you, my little man?" + I dared to ask him then,-- + He fixed me with a subtle stare, + And said, "Most clearly, when + + "You see I'm occupied, it's rude + To question of my aims-- + I'm going to the adverb school + Of Mr. Henry James!" + + + + +THE RAGGEDY MAN + +BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY + + + O the Raggedy Man! He works fer Pa; + An' he's the goodest man ever you saw! + He comes to our house every day, + An' waters the horses, an' feeds 'em hay; + An' he opens the shed--an' we all ist laugh + When he drives out our little old wobble-ly calf; + An' nen--ef our hired girl says he can-- + He milks the cow fer 'Lizabuth Ann.-- + Aint he a' awful good Raggedy Man? + Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man! + + W'y, The Raggedy Man--he's ist so good + He splits the kindlin' an' chops the wood; + An' nen he spades in our garden, too, + An' does most things 'at _boys_ can't do!-- + He clumbed clean up in our big tree + An' shooked a' apple down fer me-- + An' nother'n, too, fer 'Lizabuth Ann-- + An' nother'n, too, fer The Raggedy Man.-- + Aint he a' awful kind Raggedy Man? + Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man! + + An' The Raggedy Man, he knows most rhymes + An' tells 'em, ef I be good, sometimes: + Knows 'bout Giunts, an' Griffuns, an' Elves, + An' the Squidgicum-Squees 'at swallers therselves! + An', wite by the pump in our pasture-lot, + He showed me the hole 'at the Wunks is got, + 'At lives 'way deep in the ground, an' can + Turn into me, er 'Lizabuth Ann! + Aint he a funny old Raggedy Man? + Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man! + + The Raggedy Man--one time when he + Wuz makin' a little bow-'n'-orry fer me, + Says "When _you're_ big like your Pa is, + Air you go' to keep a fine store like his-- + An' be a rich merchunt--an' wear fine clothes?-- + Er what _air_ you go' to be, goodness knows!" + An' nen he laughed at 'Lizabuth Ann, + An' I says "'M go' to be a Raggedy Man!-- + I'm ist go' to be a nice Raggedy Man!" + Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man! + + + + +A MODERN ECLOGUE + +BY BLISS CARMAN + + +SHE + + If you were ferryman at Charon's ford, + And I came down the bank and called to you, + Waved you my hand and asked to come aboard, + And threw you kisses there, what would you do? + + Would there be such a crowd of other girls, + Pleading and pale and lonely as the sea, + You'd growl in your old beard, and shake your curls, + And say there was no room for little me? + + Would you remember each of them in turn? + Put all your faded fancies in the bow, + And all the rest before you in the stern, + And row them out with panic on your brow? + + If I came down and offered you my fare + And more beside, could you refuse me there? + + +HE + + If I were ferryman in Charon's place, + And ran that crazy scow with perilous skill, + I should be so worn out with keeping trace + Of gibbering ghosts and bidding them sit still, + + If you should come with daisies in your hands, + Strewing their petals on the sombre stream,-- + "He will come," and "He won't come," down the lands + Of pallid reverie and ghostly dream,-- + + I would let every clamouring shape stand there, + And give its shadowy lungs free vent in vain, + While you with earthly roses in your hair, + And I grown young at sight of you again, + + Went down the stream once more at half-past seven + To find some brand-new continent of heaven. + + + + +A CABLE-CAR PREACHER + +BY SAM WALTER FOSS + + +I + + "'Tis strange how thoughtless people are," + A man said in a cable-car, + "How careless and how thoughtless," said + The Loud Man in the cable-car; + And then the Man with One Lame Leg + Said softly, "Pardon me, I beg, + For your valise is on my knee; + It's sore," said he of One Lame Leg. + + +II + + A woman then came in with twins + And stumbled o'er the Loud Man's shins; + And she was tired half to death, + This Woman Who Came in with Twins; + And then the Man with One Lame Leg + Said, "Madam, take my seat, I beg." + She sat, with her vociferant Twins, + And thanked the man of One Lame Leg. + + +III + + "'Tis strange how selfish people are, + They carry boorishness so far; + How selfish, careless, thoughtless," said + The Loud Man of the cable-car. + A Man then with the Lung Complaint + Grew dizzy and began to faint; + He reeled and swayed from side to side, + This poor Man with the Lung Complaint. + + +IV + + The Woman Who Came in with Twins + Said, "You can hardly keep your pins; + Pray, take my seat." He sat, and thanked + The Woman Who Came in with Twins. + The Loud Man once again began + To curse the selfishness of man; + Our lack of manners he bewailed + With vigor, did this Loud, Loud Man. + + +V + + But still the Loud Man kept his seat; + A Blind Man stumbled o'er his feet; + The Loud Man preached on selfishness, + And preached, and preached, and kept his seat. + The poor Man with the Lung Complaint + Stood up--a brave, heroic saint-- + And to the Blind Man, "Take my seat," + Said he who had the Lung Complaint. + + +VI + + The Loud Man preached on selfish sins; + The Woman Who Came in with Twins; + The poor Man with the Lung Complaint, + Stood, while he preached on selfish sins. + And still the Man with One Lame Leg + Stood there on his imperfect peg + And heard the screed on selfish sins-- + This patient Man with One Lame Leg. + + +VII + + The Loud Man of the cable-car + Sat still and preached and traveled far; + The Blind Man spake no word unto + The Loud Man of the cable-car. + The Lame-Legged Man looked reconciled, + And she with Twins her grief beguiled, + The poor Man with the Lung Complaint-- + All stood, and sweetly, sadly smiled. + + + + +HOW TO KNOW THE WILD ANIMALS + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + + If ever you should go by chance + To jungles in the East, + And if there should to you advance + A large and tawny beast-- + If he roar at you as you're dyin', + You'll know it is the Asian Lion. + + If, when in India loafing round, + A noble wild beast meets you, + With dark stripes on a yellow ground, + Just notice if he eats you. + This simple rule may help you learn + The Bengal Tiger to discern. + + When strolling forth, a beast you view + Whose hide with spots is peppered; + As soon as it has leapt on you, + You'll know it is the Leopard. + 'T will do no good to roar with pain, + He'll only lep and lep again. + + If you are sauntering round your yard, + And meet a creature there + Who hugs you very, very hard, + You'll know it is the Bear. + If you have any doubt, I guess + He'll give you just one more caress. + + Whene'er a quadruped you view + Attached to any tree, + It may be 'tis the Wanderoo, + Or yet the Chimpanzee. + If right side up it may be both, + If upside down it is the Sloth. + + Though to distinguish beasts of prey + A novice might nonplus; + Yet from the Crocodile you may + Tell the Hyena, thus: + 'Tis the Hyena if it smile; + If weeping, 'tis the Crocodile. + + The true Chameleon is small-- + A lizard sort of thing; + He hasn't any ears at all + And not a single wing. + If there is nothing on the tree + 'Tis the Chameleon you see. + + + + +I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER + +BY PHOEBE CARY + + + I remember, I remember, + The house where I was wed, + And the little room from which that night, + My smiling bride was led. + She didn't come a wink too soon, + Nor make too long a stay; + But now I often wish her folks + Had kept the girl away! + + I remember, I remember, + Her dresses, red and white, + Her bonnets and her caps and cloaks,-- + They cost an awful sight! + The "corner lot" on which I built, + And where my brother met + At first my wife, one washing-day,-- + That man is single yet! + + I remember, I remember, + Where I was used to court, + And thought that all of married life + Was just such pleasant sport:-- + My spirit flew in feathers then, + No care was on my brow; + I scarce could wait to shut the gate,-- + I'm not so anxious now! + + I remember, I remember, + My dear one's smile and sigh; + I used to think her tender heart + Was close against the sky. + It was a childish ignorance, + But now it soothes me not + To know I'm farther off from Heaven + Then when she wasn't got. + + + + +THE COUPON BONDS + +BY J.T. TROWBRIDGE + + +(Mr. and Mrs. Ducklow have secretly purchased bonds with money that +should have been given to their adopted son Reuben, who has sacrificed +his health in serving his country as a soldier, and, going to visit +Reuben on the morning of his return home, they hide the bonds under the +carpet of the sitting-room, and leave the house in charge of Taddy, +another adopted son.) + + * * * * * + +Mr. Ducklow had scarcely turned the corner of the street, when, looking +anxiously in the direction of his homestead, he saw a column of smoke. +It was directly over the spot where he knew his house to be situated. He +guessed at a glance what had happened. The frightful catastrophe he +foreboded had befallen. Taddy had set the house afire. + +"Them bonds! them bonds!" he exclaimed, distractedly. He did not think +so much of the house: house and furniture were insured; if they were +burned the inconvenience would be great indeed, and at any other time +the thought of such an event would have been a sufficient cause for +trepidation; but now his chief, his only anxiety was the bonds. They +were not insured. They would be a dead loss. And, what added sharpness +to his pangs, they would be a loss which he must keep a secret, as he +had kept their existence a secret,--a loss which he could not confess, +and of which he could not complain. Had he not just given his neighbors +to understand that he had no such property? And his wife,--was she not +at that very moment, if not serving up a lie upon the subject, at least +paring the truth very thin indeed? + +"A man would think," observed Ferring, "that Ducklow had some o' them +bonds on his hands, and got scaret, he took such a sudden start. He has, +hasn't he, Mrs. Ducklow?" + +"Has what?" said Mrs. Ducklow, pretending ignorance. + +"Some o' them cowpon bonds. I rather guess he's got some." + +"You mean Gov'ment bonds? Ducklow got some? 'Tain't at all likely he'd +spec'late in them without saying something to _me_ about it. No, he +couldn't have any without my knowing it, I'm sure." + +How demure, how innocent she looked, plying her knitting-needle, and +stopping to take up a stitch! How little at that moment she knew of +Ducklow's trouble and its terrible cause! + +Ducklow's first impulse was to drive on and endeavor at all hazards to +snatch the bonds from the flames. His next was to return and alarm his +neighbors and obtain their assistance. But a minute's delay might be +fatal: so he drove on, screaming, "Fire! fire!" at the top of his voice. + +But the old mare was a slow-footed animal; and Ducklow had no whip. He +reached forward and struck her with the reins. + +"Git up! git up!--Fire! fire!" screamed Ducklow. "Oh, them bonds! them +bonds! Why didn't I give the money to Reuben? Fire! fire! fire!" + +By dint of screaming and slapping, he urged her from a trot into a +gallop, which was scarcely an improvement as to speed, and certainly +not as to grace. It was like the gallop of an old cow. "Why don't ye go +'long?" he cried, despairingly. + +Slap! slap! He knocked his own hat off with the loose end of the reins. +It fell under the wheels. He cast one look behind, to satisfy himself +that it had been very thoroughly run over and crushed into the dirt, and +left it to its fate. + +Slap! slap! "Fire! fire!" Canter, canter, canter! Neighbors looked out +of their windows, and, recognizing Ducklow's wagon and old mare in such +an astonishing plight, and Ducklow himself, without his hat, rising from +his seat and reaching forward in wild attitudes, brandishing the reins, +and at the same time rending the azure with yells, thought he must be +insane. + +He drove to the top of the hill, and, looking beyond, in expectation of +seeing his house wrapped in flames, discovered that the smoke proceeded +from a brush-heap which his neighbor Atkins was burning in a field near +by. + +The revulsion of feeling that ensued was almost too much for the +excitable Ducklow. His strength went out of him. For a little while +there seemed to be nothing left of him but tremor and cold sweat. +Difficult as it had been to get the old mare in motion, it was now even +more difficult to stop her. + +"Why, what has got into Ducklow's old mare? She's running away with him! +Who ever heard of such a thing!" And Atkins, watching the ludicrous +spectacle from his field, became almost as weak from laughter as Ducklow +was from the effects of fear. + +At length Ducklow succeeded in checking the old mare's speed and in +turning her about. It was necessary to drive back for his hat. By this +time he could hear a chorus of shouts, "Fire! fire! fire!" over the +hill. He had aroused the neighbors as he passed, and now they were +flocking to extinguish the flames. + +"A false alarm! a false alarm!" said Ducklow, looking marvelously +sheepish, as he met them. "Nothing but Atkins's brush-heap!" + +"Seems to me you ought to have found that out 'fore you raised all +creation with your yells!" said one hyperbolical fellow. "You looked +like the Flying Dutchman! This your hat? I thought 'twas a dead cat in +the road. No fire! no fire!"--turning back to his comrades,--"only one +of Ducklow's jokes." + +Nevertheless, two or three boys there were who would not be convinced, +but continued to leap up, swing their caps, and scream "Fire!" against +all remonstrance. Ducklow did not wait to enter his explanations, but, +turning the old mare about again, drove home amid the laughter of the +by-standers and the screams of the misguided youngsters. As he +approached the house, he met Taddy rushing wildly up the street. + +"Thaddeus! Thaddeus! Where ye goin', Thaddeus?" + +"Goin' to the fire!" cried Taddy. + +"There isn't any fire, boy." + +"Yes, there is! Didn't ye hear 'em? They've been yellin' like fury." + +"It's nothin' but Atkins's brush." + +"That all?" And Taddy appeared very much disappointed. "I thought there +was goin' to be some fun. I wonder who was such a fool as to yell fire +just for a darned old brush-heap!" + +Ducklow did not inform him. + +"I've got to drive over to town and get Reuben's trunk. You stand by the +mare while I step in and brush my hat." + +Instead of applying himself at once to the restoration of his beaver, he +hastened to the sitting-room, to see that the bonds were safe. + +"Heavens and 'arth!" said Ducklow. + +The chair, which had been carefully planted in the spot where they were +concealed, had been removed. Three or four tacks had been taken out, and +the carpet pushed from the wall. There was straw scattered about. +Evidently Taddy had been interrupted, in the midst of his ransacking, by +the alarm of fire. Indeed, he was even now creeping into the house to +see what notice Ducklow would take of these evidences of his mischief. + +In great trepidation the farmer thrust in his hand here and there, and +groped, until he found the envelope precisely where it had been placed +the night before, with the tape tied around it, which his wife had put +on to prevent its contents from slipping out and losing themselves. +Great was the joy of Ducklow. Great also was the wrath of him when he +turned and discovered Taddy. + +"Didn't I tell you to stand by the old mare?" + +"She won't stir," said Taddy, shrinking away again. + +"Come here!" And Ducklow grasped him by the collar. + +"What have you been doin'? Look at that!" + +"'Twan't me!" beginning to whimper and ram his fists into his eyes. + +"Don't tell me 'twan't you!" Ducklow shook him till his teeth chattered. +"What was you pullin' up the carpet for?" + +"Lost a marble!" sniveled Taddy. + +"Lost a marble! Ye didn't lose it under the carpet, did ye? Look at all +that straw pulled out!" shaking him again. + +"Didn't know but it might 'a' got under the carpet, marbles roll so," +explained Taddy, as soon as he could get his breath. + +"Wal, sir,"--Ducklow administered a resounding box on his ear,--"don't +you do such a thing again, if you lose a million marbles!" + +"Hain't got a million!" Taddy wept, rubbing his cheek. "Hain't got but +four! Won't ye buy me some to-day?" + +"Go to that mare, and don't you leave her again till I come, or I'll +_marble_ ye in a way you won't like." + +Understanding, by this somewhat equivocal form of expression, that +flagellation was threatened, Taddy obeyed, still feeling his smarting +and burning ear. + +Ducklow was in trouble. What should he do with the bonds? The floor was +no place for them after what had happened; and he remembered too well +the experience of yesterday to think for a moment of carrying them about +his person. With unreasonable impatience, his mind reverted to Mrs. +Ducklow. + +"Why ain't she to home? These women are forever a-gaddin'! I wish +Reuben's trunk was in Jericho!" + +Thinking of the trunk reminded him of one in the garret, filled with old +papers of all sorts,--newspapers, letters, bills of sale, children's +writing-books,--accumulations of the past quarter of a century. Neither +fire nor burglar nor ransacking youngster had ever molested those +ancient records during all those five-and-twenty years. A bright thought +struck him. + +"I'll slip the bonds down into that worthless heap o' rubbish, where no +one 'ull ever think o' lookin' for 'em, and resk 'em." + +Having assured himself that Taddy was standing by the wagon, he paid a +hasty visit to the trunk in the garret, and concealed the envelope, +still bound in its band of tape, among the papers. He then drove away, +giving Taddy a final charge to beware of setting anything afire. + +He had driven about half a mile, when he met a peddler. There was +nothing unusual or alarming in such a circumstance, surely; but, as +Ducklow kept on, it troubled him. + +"He'll stop to the house, now, most likely, and want to trade. Findin' +nobody but Taddy, there's no knowin' what he'll be tempted to do. But I +ain't a-goin' to worry. I'll defy anybody to find them bonds. Besides, +she may be home by this time. I guess she'll hear of the fire-alarm and +hurry home: it'll be jest like her. She'll be there, and trade with the +peddler!" thought Ducklow, uneasily. Then a frightful fancy possessed +him. "She has threatened two or three times to sell that old trunkful of +papers. He'll offer a big price for 'em, and ten to one she'll let him +have 'em. Why _didn't_ I think on't? What a stupid blunderbuss I be!" + +As Ducklow thought of it, he felt almost certain that Mrs. Ducklow had +returned home, and that she was bargaining with the peddler at that +moment. He fancied her smilingly receiving bright tin-ware for the old +papers; and he could see the tape-tied envelope going into the bag with +the rest. The result was that he turned about and whipped his old mare +home again in terrific haste, to catch the departing peddler. + +Arriving, he found the house as he had left it, and Taddy occupied in +making a kite-frame. + +"Did that peddler stop here?" + +"I hain't seen no peddler." + +"And hain't yer Ma Ducklow been home, nuther?" + +"No." + +And, with a guilty look, Taddy put the kite-frame behind him. + +Ducklow considered. The peddler had turned up a cross-street: he would +probably turn down again and stop at the house, after all: Mrs. Ducklow +might by that time be at home: then the sale of old papers would be +very likely to take place. Ducklow thought of leaving word that he did +not wish any old papers in the house to be sold, but feared lest the +request might excite Taddy's suspicions. + +"I don't see no way but for me to take the bonds with me," thought he, +with an inward groan. + +He accordingly went to the garret, took the envelope out of the trunk, +and placed it in the breast-pocket of his overcoat, to which he pinned +it, to prevent it by any chance from getting out. He used six large, +strong pins for the purpose, and was afterwards sorry he did not use +seven. + +"There's suthin' losin' out o' yer pocket!" bawled Taddy, as he was once +more mounting the wagon. + +Quick as lightning, Ducklow clapped his hand to his breast. In doing so +he loosed his hold of the wagon-box and fell, raking his shin badly on +the wheel. + +"Yer side-pocket! It's one o' yer mittens!" said Taddy. + +"You rascal! How you scared me!" + +Seating himself in the wagon, Ducklow gently pulled up his trousers-leg +to look at the bruised part. + +"Got anything in your boot-leg to-day, Pa Ducklow?" asked Taddy, +innocently. + +"Yes,--a barked shin!--all on your account, too! Go and put that straw +back, and fix the carpet; and don't ye let me hear ye speak of my +boot-leg again, or I'll boot-leg ye!" + +So saying, Ducklow departed. + +Instead of repairing the mischief he had done in the sitting-room, Taddy +devoted his time and talents to the more interesting occupation of +constructing his kite-frame. He worked at that until Mr. Grantly, the +minister, driving by, stopped to inquire how the folks were. + +"Ain't to home: may I ride?" cried Taddy, all in a breath. + +Mr. Grantly was an indulgent old gentleman, fond of children: so he +said, "Jump in;" and in a minute Taddy had scrambled to a seat by his +side. + +And now occurred a circumstance which Ducklow had foreseen. The alarm of +fire had reached Reuben's; and, although the report of its falseness +followed immediately, Mrs. Ducklow's inflammable fancy was so kindled by +it that she could find no comfort in prolonging her visit. + +"Mr. Ducklow'll be going for the trunk, and I _must_ go home and see to +things, Taddy's _such_ a fellow for mischief. I can foot it; I shan't +mind it." + +And off she started, walking herself out of breath in anxiety. + +She reached the brow of the hill just in time to see a chaise drive away +from her own door. + +"Who _can_ that be? I wonder if Taddy's ther' to guard the house! If +anything should happen to them bonds!" + +Out of breath as she was, she quickened her pace, and trudged on, +flushed, perspiring, panting, until she reached the house. + +"Thaddeus!" she called. + +No Taddy answered. She went in. The house was deserted. And, lo! the +carpet torn up, and the bonds abstracted! + +Mr. Ducklow never would have made such work, removing the bonds. Then +somebody else must have taken them, she reasoned. + +"The man in the chaise!" she exclaimed, or rather made an effort to +exclaim, succeeding only in bringing forth a hoarse, gasping sound. Fear +dried up articulation. _Vox faucibus hĉsit._ + +And Taddy? He had disappeared, been murdered, perhaps,--or gagged and +carried away by the man in the chaise. + +Mrs. Ducklow flew hither and thither (to use a favorite phrase of her +own), "like a hen with her head cut off;" then rushed out of the house +and up the street, screaming after the chaise,-- + +"Murder! murder! Stop thief! stop thief!" + +She waved her hands aloft in the air frantically. If she had trudged +before, now she trotted, now she cantered; but, if the cantering of the +old mare was fitly likened to that of a cow, to what thing, to what +manner of motion under the sun, shall we liken the cantering of Mrs. +Ducklow? It was original; it was unique; it was prodigious. Now, with +her frantically waving hands, and all her undulating and flapping +skirts, she seemed a species of huge, unwieldy bird, attempting to fly. +Then she sank down into a heavy, dragging walk,--breath and strength all +gone,--no voice left even to scream "murder!" Then, the awful +realization of the loss of the bonds once more rushing over her, she +started up again. "Half running, half flying, what progress she made!" +Then Atkins's dog saw her, and, naturally mistaking her for a prodigy, +came out at her, bristling up and bounding and barking terrifically. + +"Come here!" cried Atkins, following the dog. "What's the matter? What's +to pay, Mrs. Ducklow?" + +Attempting to speak, the good woman could only pant and wheeze. + +"Robbed!" she at last managed to whisper, amid the yelpings of the cur +that refused to be silenced. + +"Robbed? How? Who?" + +"The chaise. Ketch it." + +Her gestures expressed more than her words; and, Atkins's horse and +wagon, with which he had been drawing out brush, being in the yard +near-by, he ran to them, leaped to the seat, drove into the road, took +Mrs. Ducklow aboard, and set out in vigorous pursuit of the slow +two-wheeled vehicle. + +"Stop, you, sir! Stop, you, sir!" shrieked Mrs. Ducklow, having +recovered her breath by the time they came up with the chaise. + +It stopped, and Mr. Grantly, the minister, put out his good-natured, +surprised face. + +"You've robbed my house! You've took--" + +Mrs. Ducklow was going on in wild, accusatory accents, when she +recognized the benign countenance. + +"What do you say? I have robbed you?" he exclaimed, very much +astonished. + +"No, no! not you! You wouldn't do such a thing!" she stammered forth, +while Atkins, who had laughed himself weak at Mr. Ducklow's plight +earlier in the morning, now laughed himself into a side-ache at Mrs. +Ducklow's ludicrous mistake. "But did you--did you stop at my house? +Have you seen our Thaddeus?" + +"Here I be, Ma Ducklow!" piped a small voice; and Taddy, who had till +then remained hidden, fearing punishment, peeped out of the chaise from +behind the broad back of the minister. + +"Taddy! Taddy! how came the carpet--" + +"I pulled it up, huntin' for a marble," said Taddy, as she paused, +overmastered by her emotions. + +"And the--the thing tied up in a brown wrapper?" + +"Pa Ducklow took it." + +"Ye sure?" + +"Yes; I seen him." + +"Oh, dear!" said Mrs. Ducklow, "I never was so beat! Mr. Grantly, I +hope--excuse me--I didn't know what I was about! Taddy, you notty boy, +what did you leave the house for? Be ye quite sure yer Pa Ducklow--" + +Taddy replied that he was quite sure, as he climbed from the chaise into +Atkins's wagon. The minister smilingly remarked that he hoped she would +find no robbery had been committed, and went his way. Atkins, driving +back, and setting her and Taddy down at the Ducklow gate, answered her +embarrassed "Much obleeged to ye," with a sincere "Not at all," +considering the fun he had had a sufficient compensation for his +trouble. And thus ended the morning adventures, with the exception of an +unimportant episode, in which Taddy, Mrs. Ducklow, and Mrs. Ducklow's +rattan were the principal actors. + + + + +THE SHOOTING-MATCH + +BY A.B. LONGSTREET + + +Shooting-matches are probably nearly coeval with the colonization of +Georgia. They are still common throughout the Southern States, though +they are not as common as they were twenty-five or thirty years ago. +Chance led me to one about a year ago. I was traveling in one of the +northeastern counties, when I overtook a swarthy, bright-eyed, smirky +little fellow, riding a small pony, and bearing on his shoulder a long, +heavy rifle, which, judging from its looks, I should say had done +service in Morgan's corps. + +"Good morning, sir!" said I, reining up my horse as I came beside him. + +"How goes it, stranger?" said he, with a tone of independence and +self-confidence that awakened my curiosity to know a little of his +character. + +"Going driving?" inquired I. + +"Not exactly," replied he, surveying my horse with a quizzical smile; "I +haven't been a driving _by myself_ for a year or two; and my nose has +got so bad lately, I can't carry a cold trail _without hounds to help +me_." + +Alone, and without hounds as he was, the question was rather a silly +one; but it answered the purpose for which it was put, which was only to +draw him into conversation, and I proceeded to make as decent a retreat +as I could. + +"I didn't know," said I, "but that you were going to meet the huntsmen, +or going to your stand." + +"Ah, sure enough," rejoined he, "that _mout_ be a bee, as the old woman +said when she killed a wasp. It seems to me I ought to know you." + +"Well, if you _ought_, why _don't_ you?" + +"What _mout_ your name be?" + +"It _might_ be anything," said I, with a borrowed wit, for I knew my man +and knew what kind of conversation would please him most. + +"Well, what _is_ it, then?" + +"It _is_ Hall," said I; "but you know it might as well have been +anything else." + +"Pretty digging!" said he. "I find you're not the fool I took you to be; +so here's to a better acquaintance with you." + +"With all my heart," returned I; "but you must be as clever as I've +been, and give me your name." + +"To be sure I will, my old coon; take it, take it, and welcome. Anything +else about me you'd like to have?" + +"No," said I, "there's nothing else about you worth having." + +"Oh, yes there is, stranger! Do you see this?" holding up his ponderous +rifle with an ease that astonished me. "If you will go with me to the +shooting-match, and see me knock out the _bull's-eye_ with her a few +times, you'll agree the old _Soap-stick's_ worth something when Billy +Curlew puts his shoulder to her." + +This short sentence was replete with information to me. It taught me +that my companion was _Billy Curlew_; that he was going to a +_shooting-match_; that he called his rifle the _Soap-stick_, and that he +was very confident of winning beef with her; or, which is nearly, but +not quite the same thing, _driving the cross with her_. + +"Well," said I, "if the shooting-match is not too far out of my way, +I'll go to it with pleasure." + +"Unless your way lies through the woods from here," said Billy, "it'll +not be much out of your way; for it's only a mile ahead of us, and there +is no other road for you to take till you get there; and as that thing +you're riding in ain't well suited to fast traveling among brushy knobs, +I reckon you won't lose much by going by. I reckon you hardly ever was +at a shooting-match, stranger, from the cut of your coat?" + +"Oh, yes," returned I, "many a time. I won beef at one when I was hardly +old enough to hold a shot-gun off-hand." + +"_Children_ don't go to shooting-matches about here," said he, with a +smile of incredulity. "I never heard of but one that did, and he was a +little _swinge_ cat. He was born a shooting, and killed squirrels before +he was weaned." + +"Nor did _I_ ever hear of but one," replied I, "and that one was +myself." + +"And where did you win beef so young, stranger?" + +"At Berry Adams's." + +"Why, stop, stranger, let me look at you good! Is your name _Lyman_ +Hall?" + +"The very same," said I. + +"Well, dang my buttons, if you ain't the very boy my daddy used to tell +me about. I was too young to recollect you myself; but I've heard daddy +talk about you many a time. I believe mammy's got a neck-handkerchief +now that daddy won on your shooting at Collen Reid's store, when you +were hardly knee high. Come along, Lyman, and I'll go my death upon you +at the shooting-match, with the old Soap-stick at your shoulder." + +"Ah, Billy," said I, "the old Soap-stick will do much better at your own +shoulder. It was my mother's notion that sent me to the shooting-match +at Berry Adams's; and, to tell the honest truth, it was altogether a +chance shot that made me win beef; but that wasn't generally known; and +most everybody believed that I was carried there on account of my skill +in shooting; and my fame was spread far and wide, I well remember. I +remember, too, perfectly well, your father's bet on me at the store. +_He_ was at the shooting-match, and nothing could make him believe but +that I was a great shot with a rifle as well as a shot-gun. Bet he would +on me, in spite of all I could say, though I assured him that I had +never shot a rifle in my life. It so happened, too, that there were but +two bullets, or, rather, a bullet and a half; and so confident was your +father in my skill, that he made me shoot the half bullet; and, strange +to tell, by another chance shot, I like to have drove the cross and won +his bet." + +"Now I know you're the very chap, for I heard daddy tell that very thing +about the half bullet. Don't say anything about it, Lyman, and darn my +old shoes, if I don't tare the lint off the boys with you at the +shooting-match. They'll never 'spect such a looking man as you are of +knowing anything about a rifle. I'll risk your _chance_ shots." + +I soon discovered that the father had eaten sour grapes, and the son's +teeth were on edge; for Billy was just as incorrigibly obstinate in his +belief of my dexterity with a rifle as his father had been before him. + +We soon reached the place appointed for the shooting-match. It went by +the name of Sims's Cross Roads, because here two roads intersected each +other; and because, from the time that the first had been laid out, +Archibald Sims had resided there. Archibald had been a justice of the +peace in his day (and where is the man of his age in Georgia who has +not?); consequently, he was called 'Squire Sims. It is the custom in +this state, when a man has once acquired a title, civil or military, to +force it upon him as long as he lives; hence the countless number of +titled personages who are introduced in these sketches. + +We stopped at the 'squire's door. Billy hastily dismounted, gave me the +shake of the hand which he had been reluctantly reserving for a mile +back, and, leading me up to the 'squire, thus introduced me: "Uncle +Archy, this is Lyman Hall; and for all you see him in these fine +clothes, he's a _swinge_ cat; a darn sight cleverer fellow than he looks +to be. Wait till you see him lift the old Soap-stick, and draw a bead +upon the bull's-eye. You _gwine_ to see fun here to-day. Don't say +nothing about it." + +"Well, Mr. Swinge-cat," said the 'squire, "here's to a better +acquaintance with you," offering me his hand. + +"How goes it, Uncle Archy?" said I, taking his hand warmly (for I am +always free and easy with those who are so with me; and in this course I +rarely fail to please). "How's the old woman?" + +"Egad," said the 'squire, chuckling, "there you're too hard for me; for +she died two-and-twenty years ago, and I haven't heard a word from her +since." + +"What! and you never married again?" + +"Never, as God's my judge!" (a solemn asseveration, truly, upon so light +a subject.) + +"Well, that's not my fault." + +"No, nor it's not mine, _ni_ther," said the 'squire. + +Here we were interrupted by the cry of another Rancey Sniffle. "Hello, +here! All you as wish to put in for the shoot'n'-match, come on here! +for the putt'n' in's _riddy_ to begin." + +About sixty persons, including mere spectators, had collected; the most +of whom were more or less obedient to the call of Mealy Whitecotton, for +that was the name of the self-constituted commander-in-chief. Some +hastened and some loitered, as they desired to be first or last on the +list; for they shoot in the order in which their names are entered. + +The beef was not present, nor is it ever upon such occasions; but +several of the company had seen it, who all concurred in the opinion +that it was a good beef, and well worth the price that was set upon +it--eleven dollars. A general inquiry ran around, in order to form some +opinion as to the number of shots that would be taken; for, of course, +the price of a shot is cheapened in proportion to the increase of that +number. It was soon ascertained that not more than twenty persons would +take chances; but these twenty agreed to take the number of shots, at +twenty-five cents each. + +The competitors now began to give in their names; some for one, some for +two, three, and a few for as many as four shots. + +Billy Curlew hung back to the last; and when the list was offered him, +five shots remained undisposed of. + +"How many shots left?" inquired Billy. + +"Five," was the reply. + +"Well, I take 'em all. Put down four shots to me, and one to Lyman Hall, +paid for by William Curlew." + +I was thunder-struck, not at his proposition to pay for my shot, because +I knew that Billy meant it as a token of friendship, and he would have +been hurt if I had refused to let him do me this favor; but at the +unexpected announcement of my name as a competitor for beef, at least +one hundred miles from the place of my residence. I was prepared for a +challenge from Billy to some of his neighbors for a _private_ match upon +me; but not for this. + +I therefore protested against his putting in for me, and urged every +reason to dissuade him from it that I could, without wounding his +feelings. + +"Put it down!" said Billy, with the authority of an emperor, and with a +look that spoke volumes intelligible to every by-stander. "Reckon I +don't know what I'm about?" Then wheeling off, and muttering in an +under, self-confident tone, "Dang old Roper," continued he, "if he don't +knock that cross to the north corner of creation and back again before a +cat can lick her foot." + +Had I been king of the cat tribe, they could not have regarded me with +more curious attention than did the whole company from this moment. +Every inch of me was examined with the nicest scrutiny; and some plainly +expressed by their looks that they never would have taken me for such a +bite. I saw no alternative but to throw myself upon a third chance shot; +for though, by the rules of the sport, I would have been allowed to +shoot by proxy, by all the rules of good breeding I was bound to shoot +in person. It would have been unpardonable to disappoint the +expectations which had been raised on me. Unfortunately, too, for me, +the match differed in one respect from those which I had been in the +habit of attending in my younger days. In olden times the contest was +carried on chiefly with _shot-guns_, a generic term which, in those +days, embraced three descriptions of firearms: _Indian-traders_ (a long, +cheap, but sometimes excellent kind of gun, that mother Britain used to +send hither for traffic with the Indians), _the large musket_, and the +_shot-gun_, properly so-called. Rifles were, however, always permitted +to compete with them, under equitable restrictions. These were, that +they should be fired off-hand, while the shot-guns were allowed a rest, +the distance being equal; or that the distance should be one hundred +yards for a rifle, to sixty for the shot-gun, the mode of firing being +equal. + +But this was a match of rifles exclusively; and these are by far the +most common at this time. + +Most of the competitors fire at the same target; which is usually a +board from nine inches to a foot wide, charred on one side as black as +it can be made by fire, without impairing materially the uniformity of +its surface; on the darkened side of which is _pegged_ a square piece of +white paper, which is larger or smaller, according to the distance at +which it is to be placed from the marksmen. This is almost invariably +sixty yards, and for it the paper is reduced to about two and a half +inches square. Out of the center of it is cut a rhombus of about the +width of an inch, measured diagonally; this is the _bull's-eye_, or +_diamond_, as the marksmen choose to call it; in the center of this is +the cross. But every man is permitted to fix his target to his own +taste; and accordingly, some remove one-fourth of the paper, cutting +from the center of the square to the two lower corners, so as to leave a +large angle opening from the center downward; while others reduce the +angle more or less: but it is rarely the case that all are not satisfied +with one of these figures. + +The beef is divided into five prizes, or, as they are commonly termed, +five _quarters_--the hide and tallow counting as one. For several years +after the revolutionary war, a sixth was added: the _lead_ which was +shot in the match. This was the prize of the sixth best shot; and it +used to be carefully extracted from the board or tree in which it was +lodged, and afterward remoulded. But this grew out of the exigency of +the times, and has, I believe, been long since abandoned everywhere. + +The three master shots and rivals were Moses Firmby, Larkin Spivey and +Billy Curlew; to whom was added, upon this occasion, by common consent +and with awful forebodings, your humble servant. + +The target was fixed at an elevation of about three feet from the +ground; and the judges (Captain Turner and 'Squire Porter) took their +stands by it, joined by about half the spectators. + +The first name on the catalogue was Mealy Whitecotton. Mealy stepped +out, rifle in hand, and toed the mark. His rifle was about three inches +longer than himself, and near enough his own thickness to make the +remark of Darby Chislom, as he stepped out, tolerably appropriate: "Here +comes the corn-stalk and the sucker!" said Darby. + +"Kiss my foot!" said Mealy. "The way I'll creep into that bull's-eye's a +fact." + +"You'd better creep into your hind sight," said Darby. Mealy raised and +fired. + +"A pretty good shot, Mealy!" said one. + +"Yes, a blamed good shot!" said a second. + +"Well done, Meal!" said a third. + +I was rejoiced when one of the company inquired, "Where is it?" for I +could hardly believe they were founding these remarks upon the evidence +of their senses. + +"Just on the right-hand side of the bull's-eye," was the reply. + +I looked with all the power of my eyes, but was unable to discover the +least change in the surface of the paper. Their report, however, was +true; so much keener is the vision of a practiced than an unpracticed +eye. + +The next in order was Hiram Baugh. Hiram was like some race-horses which +I have seen; he was too good not to contend for every prize, and too +good for nothing ever to win one. + +"Gentlemen," said he, as he came to the mark, "I don't say that I'll win +beef; but if my piece don't blow, I'll eat the paper, or be mighty apt +to do it, if you'll b'lieve my racket. My powder are not good powder, +gentlemen; I bought it _thum_ (from) Zeb Daggett, and gin him +three-quarters of a dollar a pound for it; but it are not what I call +good powder, gentlemen; but if old Buck-killer burns it clear, the boy +you call Hiram Baugh eat's paper, or comes mighty near it." + +"Well, blaze away," said Mealy, "and be d----d to you, and Zeb Daggett, +and your powder, and Buck-killer, and your powder-horn and shot-pouch to +boot! How long you gwine stand thar talking 'fore you shoot?" + +"Never mind," said Hiram, "I can talk a little and shoot a little, too, +but that's nothin'. Here goes!" + +Hiram assumed the figure of a note of interrogation, took a long sight, +and fired. + +"I've eat paper," said he, at the crack of the gun, without looking, or +seeming to look, toward the target. "Buck-killer made a clear racket. +Where am I, gentlemen?" + +"You're just between Mealy and the diamond," was the reply. + +"I said I'd eat paper, and I've done it; haven't I, gentlemen?" + +"And 'spose you have!" said Mealy, "what do that 'mount to? You'll not +win beef, and never did." + +"Be that as it mout be, I've beat Meal 'Cotton mighty easy; and the boy +you call Hiram Baugh are able to do it." + +"And what do that 'mount to? Who the devil an't able to beat Meal +'Cotton! I don't make no pretense of bein' nothin' great, no how; but +you always makes out as if you were gwine to keep 'em makin' crosses for +you constant, and then do nothin' but '_eat paper_' at last; and that's +a long way from _eatin' beef_, 'cordin' to Meal 'Cotton's notions, as +you call him." + +Simon Stow was now called on. + +"Oh, Lord!" exclaimed two or three: "now we have it. It'll take him as +long to shoot as it would take 'Squire Dobbins to run round a _track_ o' +land." + +"Good-by, boys," said Bob Martin. + +"Where are you going, Bob?" + +"Going to gather in my crop; I'll be back again though by the time Sime +Stow shoots." + +Simon was used to all this, and therefore it did not disconcert him in +the least. He went off and brought his own target, and set it up with +his own hand. + +He then wiped out his rifle, rubbed the pan with his hat, drew a piece +of tow through the touch-hole with his wiper, filled his charger with +great care, poured the powder into the rifle with equal caution, shoved +in with his finger the two or three vagrant grains that lodged round the +mouth of his piece, took out a handful of bullets, looked them all over +carefully, selected one without flaw or wrinkle, drew out his patching, +found the most even part of it, sprung open the grease-box in the breech +of his rifle; took up just so much grease, distributed it with great +equality over the chosen part of his patching, laid it over the muzzle +of his rifle, grease side down, placed his ball upon it, pressed it a +little, then took it up and turned the neck a little more +perpendicularly downward, placed his knife handle on it, just buried it +in the mouth of the rifle, cut off the redundant patching just above the +bullet, looked at it, and shook his head in token that he had cut off +too much or too little, no one knew which, sent down the ball, measured +the contents of his gun with his first and second fingers on the +protruding part of the ramrod, shook his head again, to signify there +was too much or too little powder, primed carefully, placed an arched +piece of tin over the hind sight to shade it, took his place, got a +friend to hold his hat over the foresight to shade it, took a very long +sight, fired, and didn't even eat the paper. + +"My piece was badly _loadned_," said Simon, when he learned the place of +his ball. + +"Oh, you didn't take time," said Mealy. "No man can shoot that's in such +a hurry as you is. I'd hardly got to sleep 'fore I heard the crack o' +the gun." + +The next was Moses Firmby. He was a tall, slim man, of rather sallow +complexion; and it is a singular fact, that though probably no part of +the world is more healthy than the mountainous parts of Georgia, the +mountaineers have not generally robust frames or fine complexions: they +are, however, almost inexhaustible by toil. + +Moses kept us not long in suspense. His rifle was already charged, and +he fixed it upon the target with a steadiness of nerve and aim that was +astonishing to me and alarming to all the rest. A few seconds, and the +report of his rifle broke the deathlike silence which prevailed. + +"No great harm done yet," said Spivey, manifestly relieved from anxiety +by an event which seemed to me better calculated to produce despair. +Firmby's ball had cut out the lower angle of the diamond, directly on a +right line with the cross. + +Three or four followed him without bettering his shot; all of whom, +however, with one exception, "eat the paper." + +It now came to Spivey's turn. There was nothing remarkable in his person +or manner. He took his place, lowered his rifle slowly from a +perpendicular until it came on a line with the mark, held it there like +a vice for a moment and fired. + +"Pretty _sevigrous_, but nothing killing yet," said Billy Curlew, as he +learned the place of Spivey's ball. + +Spivey's ball had just broken the upper angle of the diamond; beating +Firmby about half its width. + +A few more shots, in which there was nothing remarkable, brought us to +Billy Curlew. Billy stepped out with much confidence, and brought the +Soap-stick to an order, while he deliberately rolled up his shirt +sleeves. Had I judged Billy's chance of success from the looks of his +gun, I should have said it was hopeless. The stock of Soap-stick seemed +to have been made with a case-knife; and had it been, the tool would +have been but a poor apology for its clumsy appearance. An auger-hole in +the breech served for a grease-box; a cotton string assisted a single +screw in holding on the lock; and the thimbles were made, one of brass, +one of iron, and one of tin. + +"Where's Lark Spivey's bullet?" called out Billy to the judges, as he +finished rolling up his sleeves. + +"About three-quarters of an inch from the cross," was the reply. + +"Well, clear the way! the Soap-stick's coming, and she'll be along in +there among 'em presently." + +Billy now planted himself astraddle, like an inverted V; shot forward +his left hip, drew his body back to an angle of about forty-five degrees +with the plane of the horizon, brought his cheek down close to the +breech of old Soap-stick, and fixed her upon the mark with untrembling +hand. His sight was long, and the swelling muscles of his left arm led +me to believe that he was lessening his chance of success with every +half second that he kept it burdened with his ponderous rifle; but it +neither flagged nor wavered until Soap-stick made her report. + +"Where am I?" said Billy, as the smoke rose from before his eye. + +"You've jist touched the cross on the lower side," was the reply of one +of the judges. + +"I was afraid I was drawing my bead a _leetle_ too fine," said Billy. +"Now, Lyman, you see what the Soap-stick can do. Take her, and show the +boys how you used to do when you was a baby." + +I begged to reserve my shot to the last; pleading, rather +sophistically, that it was, in point of fact, one of the Billy's shots. +My plea was rather indulged than sustained, and the marksmen who had +taken more than one shot commenced the second round. This round was a +manifest improvement upon the first. The cross was driven three times: +once by Spivey, once by Firmby, and once by no less a personage than +Mealy Whitecotton, whom chance seemed to favor for this time, merely +that he might retaliate upon Hiram Baugh; and the bull's-eye was +disfigured out of all shape. + +The third and fourth rounds were shot. Billy discharged his last shot, +which left the rights of parties thus: Billy Curlew first and fourth +choice, Spivey second, Firmby third and Whitecotton fifth. Some of my +readers may perhaps be curious to learn how a distinction comes to be +made between several, all of whom drive the cross. The distinction is +perfectly natural and equitable. Threads are stretched from the +uneffaced parts of the once intersecting lines, by means of which the +original position of the cross is precisely ascertained. Each +bullet-hole being nicely pegged up as it is made, it is easy to +ascertain its circumference. To this I believe they usually, if not +invariably, measure, where none of the balls touch the cross; but if the +cross be driven, they measure from it to the center of the bullet-hole. +To make a draw shot, therefore, between two who drive the cross, it is +necessary that the center of both balls should pass directly through the +cross; a thing that very rarely happens. + +_The Bite_ alone remained to shoot. Billy wiped out his rifle carefully, +loaded her to the top of his skill, and handed her to me. "Now," said +he, "Lyman, draw a fine bead, but not too fine; for Soap-stick bears up +her ball well. Take care and don't touch the trigger until you've got +your bead; for she's spring-trigger'd and goes mighty easy: but you +hold her to the place you want her, and if she don't go there, dang old +Roper." + +I took hold of Soap-stick, and lapsed immediately into the most hopeless +despair. I am sure I never handled as heavy a gun in all my life. "Why, +Billy," said I, "you little mortal, you! what do you use such a gun as +this for?" + +"Look at the bull's-eye yonder!" said he. + +"True," said I, "but _I_ can't shoot her; it is impossible." + +"Go 'long, you old coon!" said Billy; "I see what you're at;" intimating +that all this was merely to make the coming shot the more remarkable. +"Daddy's little boy don't shoot anything but the old Soap-stick here +to-day, I know." + +The judges, I knew, were becoming impatient, and, withal, my situation +was growing more embarrassing every second; so I e'en resolved to try +the Soap-stick without further parley. + +I stepped out, and the most intense interest was excited all around me, +and it flashed like electricity around the target, as I judged from the +anxious gaze of all in that direction. + +Policy dictated that I should fire with a falling rifle, and I adopted +this mode; determining to fire as soon as the sights came on a line with +the diamond, _bead_ or no _bead_. Accordingly, I commenced lowering old +Soap-stick; but, in spite of all my muscular powers, she was strictly +obedient to the laws of gravitation, and came down with a uniformly +accelerated velocity. Before I could arrest her downward flight, she had +not only passed the target, but was making rapid encroachments on my own +toes. + +"Why, he's the weakest man in the arms I ever seed," said one, in a half +whisper. + +"It's only his fun," said Billy; "I know him." + +"It may be fun," said the other, "but it looks mightily like yearnest to +a man up a tree." + +I now, of course, determined to reverse the mode of firing, and put +forth all my physical energies to raise Soap-stick to the mark. The +effort silenced Billy, and gave tongue to all his companions. I had just +strength enough to master Soap-stick's obstinate proclivity, and, +consequently, my nerves began to exhibit palpable signs of distress with +her first imperceptible movement upward. A trembling commenced in my +arms; increased, and extended rapidly to my body and lower extremities; +so that, by the time that I had brought Soap-stick up to the mark, I was +shaking from head to foot, exactly like a man under the continued action +of a strong galvanic battery. In the meantime my friends gave vent to +their feelings freely. + +"I swear poin' blank," said one, "that man can't shoot." + +"He used to shoot well," said another; "but can't now, nor never could." + +"You better git away from 'bout that mark!" bawled a third, "for I'll be +dod darned if Broadcloth don't give some of you the dry gripes if you +stand too close thare." + +"The stranger's got the peedoddles," said a fourth, with humorous +gravity. + +"If he had bullets enough in his gun, he'd shoot a ring round the +bull's-eye big as a spinning wheel," said a fifth. + +As soon as I found that Soap-stick was high enough (for I made no +farther use of the sights than to ascertain this fact), I pulled +trigger, and off she went. I have always found that the most creditable +way of relieving myself of derision was to heighten it myself as much as +possible. It is a good plan in all circles, but by far the best which +can be adopted among the plain, rough farmers of the country. +Accordingly, I brought old Soap-stick to an order with an air of +triumph; tipped Billy a wink, and observed, "Now, Billy, 's your time to +make your fortune. Bet 'em two to one that I've knocked out the cross." + +"No, I'll be dod blamed if I do," said Billy; "but I'll bet you two to +one that you hain't hit the plank." + +"Ah, Billy," said I, "I was joking about _betting_, for I never bet; nor +would I have you to bet: indeed, I do not feel exactly right in shooting +for beef; for it is a species of gaming at last: but I'll say this much: +if that cross isn't knocked out, I'll never shoot for beef again as long +as I live." + +"By dod," said Mealy Whitecotton, "you'll lose no great things at that." + +"Well," said I, "I reckon I know a little about wabbling. Is it +possible, Billy, a man who shoots as well as you do, never practiced +shooting with the double wabble? It's the greatest take in the world +when you learn to drive the cross with it. Another sort for getting bets +upon, to the drop-sight, with a single wabble! And the Soap-stick's the +very yarn for it." + +"Tell you what, stranger," said one, "you're too hard for us all here. +We never _hearn_ o' that sort o' shoot'n' in these parts." + +"Well," returned I, "you've seen it now, and I'm the boy that can do +it." + +The judges were now approaching with the target, and a singular +combination of circumstances had kept all my party in utter ignorance of +the result of my shot. Those about the target had been prepared by Billy +Curlew for a great shot from me; their expectations had received +assurance from the courtesy which had been extended to me; and nothing +had happened to disappoint them but the single caution to them against +the "dry gripes," which was as likely to have been given in irony as in +earnest; for my agonies under the weight of the Soap-stick were either +imperceptible to them at the distance of sixty yards, or, being visible, +were taken as the flourishes of an expert who wished to "astonish the +natives." The other party did not think the direction of my ball worth +the trouble of a question; or if they did, my airs and harangue had put +the thought to flight before it was delivered. Consequently, they were +all transfixed with astonishment when the judges presented the target to +them, and gravely observed, "It's only second best, after all the fuss." + +"Second best!" exclaimed I, with uncontrollable transports. + +The whole of my party rushed to the target to have the evidence of their +senses before they would believe the report; but most marvelous fortune +decreed that it should be true. Their incredulity and astonishment were +most fortunate for me; for they blinded my hearers to the real feelings +with which the exclamation was uttered, and allowed me sufficient time +to prepare myself for making the best use of what I had said before with +a very different object. + +"Second best!" reiterated I, with an air of despondency, as the company +turned from the target to me. "Second best, only? Here, Billy, my son, +take the old Soap-stick; she's a good piece, but I'm getting too old and +dim-sighted to shoot a rifle, especially with the drop-sight and double +wabbles." + +"Why, good Lord a'mighty!" said Billy, with a look that baffles all +description, "an't you _driv_ the cross?" + +"Oh, driv the cross!" rejoined I, carelessly. "What's that! Just look +where my ball is! I do believe in my soul its center is a full quarter +of an inch from the cross. I wanted to lay the center of the bullet upon +the cross, just as if you'd put it there with your fingers." + +Several received this palaver with a contemptuous but very appropriate +curl of the nose; and Mealy Whitecotton offered to bet a half pint "that +I couldn't do the like again with no sort o' wabbles, he didn't care +what." But I had already fortified myself on this quarter of my +morality. A decided majority, however, were clearly of opinion that I +was serious; and they regarded me as one of the wonders of the world. +Billy increased the majority by now coming out fully with my history, as +he had received it from his father; to which I listened with quite as +much astonishment as any other one of his hearers. He begged me to go +home with him for the night, or, as he expressed it, "to go home with +him and swap lies that night, and it shouldn't cost me a cent;" the true +reading of which is, that if I would go home with him, and give him the +pleasure of an evening's chat about old times, his house should be as +free to me as my own. But I could not accept his hospitality without +retracing five or six miles of the road which I had already passed, and +therefore I declined it. + +"Well, if you won't go, what must I tell the old woman for you, for +she'll be mighty glad to hear from the boy that won the silk +handkerchief for her, and I expect she'll lick me for not bringing you +home with me." + +"Tell her," said I, "that I send her a quarter of beef which I won, as I +did the handkerchief, by nothing in the world but mere good luck." + +"Hold your jaw, Lyman!" said Billy; "I an't a gwine to tell the old +woman any such lies; for she's a reg'lar built Meth'dist." + +As I turned to depart, "Stop a minute, stranger!" said one: then +lowering his voice to a confidential but distinctly audible tone, "What +you offering for?" continued he. I assured him I was not a candidate for +anything; that I had accidentally fallen in with Billy Curlew, who +begged me to come with him to the shooting-match, and, as it lay right +on my road, I had stopped. "Oh," said he, with a conciliatory nod, "if +you're up for anything, you needn't be mealy-mouthed about it 'fore us +boys; for we'll all go in for you here up to the handle." + +"Yes," said Billy, "dang old Roper if we don't go our death for you, no +matter who offers. If ever you come out for anything, Lyman, jist let +the boys of Upper Hogthief know it, and they'll go for you to the hilt, +against creation, tit or no tit, that's the _tatur_." + +I thanked them, kindly, but repeated my assurances. The reader will not +suppose that the district took its name from the character of the +inhabitants. In almost every county in the state there is some spot or +district which bears a contemptuous appellation, usually derived from +local rivalships, or from a single accidental circumstance. + + + + +DESOLATION[1] + +BY TOM MASSON + + + Somewhat back from the village street + Stands the old-fashioned country seat. + Across its antique portico + Tall poplar trees their shadows throw. + And there throughout the livelong day, + Jemima plays the pi-a-na. + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + + In the front parlor, there it stands, + And there Jemima plies her hands, + While her papa beneath his cloak, + Mutters and groans: "This is no joke!" + And swears to himself and sighs, alas! + With sorrowful voice to all who pass. + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + + Through days of death and days of birth + She plays as if she owned the earth. + Through every swift vicissitude + She drums as if it did her good, + And still she sits from morn till night + And plunks away with main and might, + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + + In that mansion used to be + Free-hearted hospitality; + But that was many years before + Jemima monkeyed with the score. + When she began her daily plunk, + Into their graves the neighbors sunk. + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + + To other worlds they've long since fled, + All thankful that they're safely dead. + They stood the racket while alive + Until Jemima rose at five. + And then they laid their burdens down, + And one and all they skipped the town. + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + +[Footnote 1: By permission of Life Publishing Company.] + + + + +CRANKIDOXOLOGY[2] + +BY WALLACE IRWIN + +(_Being a Mental Attitude from Bernard Pshaw_) + + + It's wrong to be thoroughly human, + It's stupid alone to be good, + And why should the "virtuous" woman + Continue to do as she should? + (It's stupid to do as you should!) + + For I'd rather be famous than pleasant, + I'd rather be rude than polite; + It's easy to sneer + When you're witty and queer, + And I'd rather be Clever than Right. + + I'm bored by mere Shakespeare and Milton, + Though Hubbard compels me to rave; + If _I_ should lay laurels to wilt on + That foggy Shakespearean grave, + How William would squirm in his grave! + + For I'd rather be Pshaw than be Shakespeare, + I'd rather be Candid than Wise; + And the way I amuse + Is to roundly abuse + The Public I feign to despise. + + I'm a Socialist, loving my brother + In quite an original way, + With my maxim, "Detest One Another"-- + Though, faith, I don't mean what I say. + (It's beastly to mean what you say!) + + For I'm fonder of talk than of Husbands, + And I'm fonder of fads than of Wives, + So I say unto you, + If you don't as you do + You will do as you don't all your lives. + + My "Candida's" ruddy as coral, + With thoughts quite too awfully plain-- + If folks would just call me Immoral + I'd feel that I'd not lived in vain. + (It's nasty, this living in vain!) + + For I'd rather be Martyred than Married, + I'd rather be tempted than tamed, + And if _I_ had my way + (At least, so I say) + All Babes would be labeled, "Unclaimed." + + I'm an epigrammatical Moses, + Whose humorous tablets of stone + Condemn affectations and poses-- + Excepting a few of my own. + (I dote on a few of my own.) + + For my method of booming the market + When Managers ask for a play + Is to say on a bluff, + "I'm so fond of my stuff + That I don't want it acted--go 'way!" + + I'm the club-ladies' Topic of Topics, + Where solemn discussions are spent + In struggles as hot as the tropics, + Attempting to find what I meant. + (_I_ never can tell what I meant!) + + For it's fun to make bosh of the Gospel, + And it's sport to make gospel of Bosh, + While divorcées hurrah + For the Sayings of Pshaw + And his sub-psychological Josh. + +[Footnote 2: From "At the Sign of the Dollar," by Wallace Irwin. +Copyright, 1905, by Fox, Duffield & Co.] + + + + +MY HONEY, MY LOVE + +BY JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS + + + Hit's a mighty fur ways up de Far'well Lane, + My honey, my love! + You may ax Mister Crow, you may ax Mr. Crane, + My honey, my love! + Dey'll make you a bow, en dey'll tell you de same, + My honey, my love! + Hit's a mighty fur ways fer ter go in de night, + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + Mister Mink, he creeps twel he wake up de snipe, + My honey, my love! + Mister Bull-Frog holler, Come alight my pipe! + My honey, my love! + En de Pa'tridge ax, Ain't yo' peas ripe? + My honey, my love! + Better not walk erlong dar much atter night, + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + De Bully-Bat fly mighty close ter de groun', + My honey, my love! + Mister Fox, he coax 'er, Do come down! + My honey, my love! + + Mister Coon, he rack all 'roun' en 'roun', + My honey, my love! + In de darkes' night, oh, de nigger, he's a sight! + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + Oh, flee, Miss Nancy, flee ter my knee, + My honey, my love! + 'Lev'n big, fat coons liv' in one tree, + My honey, my love! + Oh, ladies all, won't you marry me? + My honey, my love! + Tu'n lef, tu'n right, we'll dance all night, + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + De big Owl holler en cry fer his mate, + My honey, my love! + Oh, don't stay long! Oh, don't stay late! + My honey, my love! + Hit ain't so mighty fur ter de Good-by Gate, + My honey, my love! + Whar we all got ter go w'en we sing out de night, + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + + + +THE GRAND OPERA + +BY BILLY BAXTER + + +Well, I decided to get into my class, so I started for the smoking-room. +I hadn't gone three feet till some woman held me up and began telling me +how she adored Grand Opera. I didn't even reply. I fled madly, and +remained hidden in the tall grasses of the smoking-room until it was +time to go home. Jim, should any one ever tell you that Grand Opera is +all right, he is either trying to even up or he is not a true friend. I +was over in New York with the family last winter, and they made me go +with them to _Die Walkure_ at the Metropolitan Opera House. When I got +the tickets I asked the man's advice as to the best location. He said +that all true lovers of music occupied the dress-circle and balconies, +and that he had some good center dress-circle seats at three bones per. +Here's a tip, Jim. If the box man ever hands you that true-lover game, +just reach in through the little hole and soak him in the solar for me. +It's coming to him. I'll give you my word of honor we were a quarter of +a mile from the stage. We went up in an elevator, were shown to our +seats, and who was right behind us but my old pal, Bud Hathaway, from +Chicago. Bud had his two sisters with him, and he gave me one sad look, +which said plainer than words, "So you're up against it, too, eh!" We +introduced all hands around, and about nine o'clock the curtain went up. +After we had waited fully ten minutes, out came a big, fat, greasy +looking Dago with nothing on but a bear robe. He went over to the side +of the stage and sat down on a bum rock. It was plainly to be seen, even +from my true lovers' seat, that his bearlets was sorer than a dog about +something. Presently in came a woman, and none of the true lovers seemed +to know who she was. Some said it was Melba, others Nordica. Bud and I +decided that it was May Irwin. We were mistaken, though, as Irwin has +this woman lashed to the mast at any time or place. As soon as Mike the +Dago espied the dame it was all off. He rushed and drove a straight-arm +jab, which had it reached would have given him the purse. But shifty +Sadie wasn't there. She ducked, side-stepped, and landed a clever +half-arm hook, which seemed to stun the big fellow. They clinched, and +swayed back and forth, growling continually, while the orchestra played +this trembly Eliza-crossing-the-ice music. Jim, I'm not swelling this a +bit. On the level, it happened just as I write it. All of a sudden some +one seemed to win. They broke away, and ran wildly to the front of the +stage with their arms outstretched, yelling to beat three of a kind. The +band cut loose something fierce. The leader tore out about $9.00 worth +of hair, and acted generally as though he had bats in his belfry. I +thought sure the place would be pinched. It reminded me of Thirsty +Thornton's dance-hall out in Merrill, Wisconsin, when the Silent Swede +used to start a general survival of the fittest every time Mamie the +Mink danced twice in succession with the young fellow from Albany, whose +father owned the big mill up Rough River. Of course, this audience was +perfectly orderly, and showed no intention whatever of cutting in, and +there were no chairs or glasses in the air, but I am forced to admit +that the opera had Thornton's faded for noise. I asked Bud what the +trouble was, and he answered that I could search him. The audience +apparently went wild. Everybody said "Simply sublime!" "Isn't it grand?" +"Perfectly superb!" "Bravo!" etc.; not because they really enjoyed it, +but merely because they thought it was the proper thing to do. After +that for three solid hours Rough House Mike and Shifty Sadie seemed to +be apologizing to the audience for their disgraceful street brawl, which +was honestly the only good thing in the show. Along about twelve o'clock +I thought I would talk over old times with Bud, but when I turned his +way I found my tired and trusty comrade "Asleep at the Switch." + +At the finish, the woman next to me, who seemed to be on, said that the +main lady was dying. After it was too late, Mike seemed kind of sorry. +He must have give her the knife or the drops, because there wasn't a +minute that he could look in on her according to the rules. He laid her +out on the bum rock, they set off a lot of red fire for some unknown +reason, and the curtain dropped at 12:25. Never again for my money. Far +be it from me knocking, but any time I want noise I'll take to a +boiler-shop or a Union Station, where I can understand what's coming +off. I'm for a good-mother show. Do you remember _The White Slave_, Jim? +Well, that's me. Wasn't it immense where the main lady spurned the +leering villain's gold and exclaimed with flashing eye, "Rags are royal +raiment when worn for virtue's sake." Great! _The White Slave_ had _Die +Walkure_ beaten to a pulp, and they don't get to you for three cases +gate-money, either. + + + + +IN A STATE OF SIN[3] + +BY OWEN WISTER + + +Judge and Mrs. Henry, Molly Wood, and two strangers, a lady and a +gentleman, were the party which had been driving in the large +three-seated wagon. They had seemed a merry party. But as I came within +hearing of their talk, it was a fragment of the minister's sonority +which reached me first: + +"... more opportunity for them to have the benefit of hearing frequent +sermons," was the sentence I heard him bring to completion. + +"Yes, to be sure, sir." Judge Henry gave me (it almost seemed) +additional warmth of welcome for arriving to break up the present +discourse. "Let me introduce you to the Rev. Dr. Alexander MacBride. +Doctor, another guest we have been hoping for about this time," was my +host's cordial explanation to him of me. There remained the gentleman +with his wife from New York, and to these I made my final bows. But I +had not broken up the discourse. + +"We may be said to have met already." Dr. MacBride had fixed upon me his +full, mastering eye; and it occurred to me that if they had policemen in +heaven, he would be at least a centurion in the force. But he did not +mean to be unpleasant; it was only that in a mind full of matters less +worldly, pleasure was left out. "I observed your friend was a skilful +horseman," he continued. "I was saying to Judge Henry that I could wish +such skilful horsemen might ride to a church upon the Sabbath. A +church, that is, of right doctrine, where they would have opportunity to +hear frequent sermons." + +"Yes," said Judge Henry, "yes. It would be a good thing." + +Mrs. Henry, with some murmur about the kitchen, here went into the +house. + +"I was informed," Dr. MacBride held the rest of us, "before undertaking +my journey that I should find a desolate and mainly godless country. But +nobody gave me to understand that from Medicine Bow I was to drive three +hundred miles and pass no church of any faith." + +The Judge explained that there had been a few a long way to the right +and left of him. "Still," he conceded, "you are quite right. But don't +forget that this is the newest part of a new world." + +"Judge," said his wife, coming to the door, "how can you keep them +standing in the dust with your talking?" + +This most efficiently did break up the discourse. As our little party, +with the smiles and the polite holdings back of new acquaintanceship, +moved into the house, the Judge detained me behind all of them long +enough to whisper dolorously, "He's going to stay a whole week." + +I had hopes that he would not stay a whole week when I presently learned +of the crowded arrangements which our hosts, with many hospitable +apologies, disclosed to us. They were delighted to have us, but they +hadn't foreseen that we should all be simultaneous. The foreman's house +had been prepared for two of us, and did we mind? The two of us were Dr. +MacBride and myself; and I expected him to mind. But I wronged him +grossly. It would be much better, he assured Mrs. Henry, than straw in a +stable, which he had tried several times, and was quite ready for. So I +saw that though he kept his vigorous body clean when he could, he cared +nothing for it in the face of his mission. How the foreman and his wife +relished being turned out during a week for a missionary and myself was +not my concern, although while he and I made ready for supper over +there, it struck me as hard on them. The room with its two cots and +furniture was as nice as possible; and we closed the door upon the +adjoining room, which, however, seemed also untenanted. + +Mrs. Henry gave us a meal so good that I have remembered it, and her +husband, the Judge, strove his best that we should eat it in merriment. +He poured out his anecdotes like wine, and we should have quickly warmed +to them; but Dr. MacBride sat among us, giving occasional heavy ha-ha's, +which produced, as Miss Molly Wood whispered to me, a "dreadfully +cavernous effect." Was it his sermon, we wondered, that he was thinking +over? I told her of the copious sheaf of them I had seen him pull from +his wallet over at the foreman's. "Goodness!" said she. "Then are we to +hear one every evening?" This I doubted; he had probably been picking +one out suitable for the occasion. "Putting his best foot foremost," was +her comment; "I suppose they have best feet, like the rest of us." Then +she grew delightfully sharp. "Do you know, when I first heard him I +thought his voice was hearty. But if you listen, you'll find it's merely +militant. He never really meets you with it. He's off on his hill +watching the battle-field the whole time." + +"He will find a hardened pagan here." + +"Judge Henry?" + +"Oh, no! The wild man you're taming. He's brought you _Kenilworth_ safe +back." + +She was smooth. "Oh, as for taming him! But don't you find him +intelligent?" + +Suddenly I somehow knew that she didn't want to tame him. But what did +she want to do? The thought of her had made him blush this afternoon. No +thought of him made her blush this evening. + +A great laugh from the rest of the company made me aware that the Judge +had consummated his tale of the "Sole Survivor." + +"And so," he finished, "they all went off as mad as hops because it +hadn't been a massacre." Mr. and Mrs. Ogden--they were the New +Yorkers--gave this story much applause, and Dr. MacBride half a minute +later laid his "ha-ha," like a heavy stone, upon the gaiety. + +"I'll never be able to stand seven sermons," said Miss Wood to me. + + * * * * * + +"Do you often have these visitations?" Ogden inquired of Judge Henry. +Our host was giving us whisky in his office, and Dr. MacBride, while we +smoked apart from the ladies, had repaired to his quarters in the +foreman's house previous to the service which he was shortly to hold. + +The Judge laughed. "They come now and then through the year. I like the +bishop to come. And the men always like it. But I fear our friend will +scarcely please them so well." + +"You don't mean they'll--" + +"Oh, no. They'll keep quiet. The fact is, they have a good deal better +manners than he has, if he only knew it. They'll be able to bear him. +But as for any good he'll do--" + +"I doubt if he knows a word of science," said I, musing about the +Doctor. + +"Science! He doesn't know what Christianity is yet. I've entertained +many guests, but none--The whole secret," broke off Judge Henry, "lies +in the way you treat people. As soon as you treat men as your brothers, +they are ready to acknowledge you--if you deserve it--as their superior. +That's the whole bottom of Christianity, and that's what our missionary +will never know." + + * * * * * + +Thunder sat imminent upon the missionary's brow. Many were to be at his +mercy soon. But for us he had sunshine still. "I am truly sorry to be +turning you upside down," he said importantly. "But it seems the best +place for my service." He spoke of the table pushed back and the chairs +gathered in the hall, where the storm would presently break upon the +congregation. "Eight-thirty?" he inquired. + +This was the hour appointed, and it was only twenty minutes off. We +threw the unsmoked fractions of our cigars away, and returned to offer +our services to the ladies. This amused the ladies. They had done +without us. All was ready in the hall. + +"We got the cook to help us," Mrs. Ogden told me, "so as not to disturb +your cigars. In spite of the cow-boys, I still recognize my own +country." + +"In the cook?" I rather densely asked. + +"Oh, no! I don't have a Chinaman. It's in the length of after-dinner +cigars." + +"Had you been smoking," I returned, "you would have found them short +this evening." + +"You make it worse," said the lady; "we have had nothing but Dr. +MacBride." + +"We'll share him with you now," I exclaimed. + +"Has he announced his text? I've got one for him," said Molly Wood, +joining us. She stood on tiptoe and spoke it comically in our ears. "'I +said in my haste, All men are liars.'" This made us merry as we stood +among the chairs in the congested hall. + +I left the ladies, and sought the bunk house. I had heard the cheers, +but I was curious also to see the men, and how they were taking it. +There was but little for the eye. There was much noise in the room. They +were getting ready to come to church,--brushing their hair, shaving, and +making themselves clean, amid talk occasionally profane and continuously +diverting. + +"Well, I'm a Christian, anyway," one declared. + +"I'm a Mormon, I guess," said another. + +"I belong to the Knights of Pythias," said a third. + +"I'm a Mohammedist," said a fourth; "I hope I ain't goin' to hear +nothin' to shock me." + +What with my feelings at Scipio's discretion, and my human curiosity, I +was not in that mood which best profits from a sermon. Yet even though +my expectations had been cruelly left quivering in mid air, I was not +sure how much I really wanted to "keep around." You will therefore +understand how Dr. MacBride was able to make a prayer and to read +Scripture without my being conscious of a word that he had uttered. It +was when I saw him opening the manuscript of his sermon that I suddenly +remembered I was sitting, so to speak, in church, and began once more to +think of the preacher and his congregation. Our chairs were in the front +line, of course; but, being next the wall, I could easily see the +cow-boys behind me. They were perfectly decorous. If Mrs. Ogden had +looked for pistols, dare-devil attitudes, and so forth, she must have +been greatly disappointed. Except for their weather-beaten cheeks and +eyes, they were simply American young men with mustaches and without, +and might have been sitting, say, in Danbury, Connecticut. Even Trampas +merged quietly with the general placidity. The Virginian did not, to be +sure, look like Danbury, and his frame and his features showed out of +the mass; but his eyes were upon Dr. MacBride with a creamlike +propriety. + +Our missionary did not choose Miss Wood's text. He made his selection +from another of the Psalms; and when it came, I did not dare to look at +anybody; I was much nearer unseemly conduct than the cow-boys. Dr. +MacBride gave us his text sonorously, "'They are altogether become +filthy; There is none of them that doeth good, no, not one.'" His eye +showed us plainly that present company was not excepted from this. He +repeated the text once more, then, launching upon his discourse, gave +none of us a ray of hope. + +I had heard it all often before; but preached to cow-boys it took on a +new glare of untimeliness, of grotesque obsoleteness--as if some one +should say, "Let me persuade you to admire woman," and forthwith hold +out her bleached bones to you. The cow-boys were told that not only they +could do no good, but that if they did contrive to, it would not help +them. Nay, more: not only honest deeds availed them nothing, but even if +they accepted this especial creed which was being explained to them as +necessary for salvation, still it might not save them. Their sin was +indeed the cause of their damnation, yet, keeping from sin, they might +nevertheless be lost. It had all been settled for them not only before +they were born, but before Adam was shaped. Having told them this, he +invited them to glorify the Creator of the scheme. Even if damned, they +must praise the person who had made them expressly for damnation. That +is what I heard him prove by logic to these cow-boys. Stone upon stone +he built the black cellar of his theology, leaving out its beautiful +park and the sunshine of its garden. He did not tell them the splendor +of its past, the noble fortress for good that it had been, how its tonic +had strengthened generations of their fathers. No; wrath he spoke of, +and never once of love. It was the bishop's way, I knew well, to hold +cow-boys by homely talk of their special hardships and temptations. And +when they fell he spoke to them of forgiveness and brought them +encouragement. But Dr. MacBride never thought once of the lives of these +waifs. Like himself, like all mankind, they were invisible dots in +creation; like him, they were to feel as nothing, to be swept up in the +potent heat of his faith. So he thrust out to them none of the sweet but +all the bitter of his creed, naked and stern as iron. Dogma was his all +in all, and poor humanity was nothing but flesh for its canons. + +Thus to kill what chance he had for being of use seemed to me more +deplorable than it did evidently to them. Their attention merely +wandered. Three hundred years ago they would have been frightened; but +not in this electric day. I saw Scipio stifling a smile when it came to +the doctrine of original sin. "We know of its truth," said Dr. MacBride, +"from the severe troubles and distresses to which infants are liable, +and from death passing upon them before they are capable of sinning." +Yet I knew he was a good man; and I also knew that if a missionary is to +be tactless, he might almost as well be bad. + +I said their attention wandered, but I forgot the Virginian. At first +his attitude might have been mere propriety. One can look respectfully +at a preacher and be internally breaking all the commandments. But even +with the text I saw real attention light in the Virginian's eye. And +keeping track of the concentration that grew on him with each minute +made the sermon short for me. He missed nothing. Before the end his gaze +at the preacher had become swerveless. Was he convert or critic? Convert +was incredible. Thus was an hour passed before I had thought of time. + +When it was over we took it variously. The preacher was genial and spoke +of having now broken ground for the lessons that he hoped to instil. He +discoursed for a while about trout-fishing and about the rumored +uneasiness of the Indians northward where he was going. It was plain +that his personal safety never gave him a thought. He soon bade us good +night. The Ogdens shrugged their shoulders and were amused. That was +their way of taking it. Dr. MacBride sat too heavily on the Judge's +shoulders for him to shrug them. As a leading citizen in the Territory +he kept open house for all comers. Policy and good nature made him bid +welcome a wide variety of travelers. The cow-boy out of employment found +bed and a meal for himself and his horse, and missionaries had before +now been well received at Sunk Creek Ranch. + +"I suppose I'll have to take him fishing," said the Judge ruefully. + +"Yes, my dear," said his wife, "you will. And I shall have to make his +tea for six days." + +"Otherwise," Ogden suggested, "it might be reported that you were +enemies of religion." + +"That's about it," said the Judge. "I can get on with most people. But +elephants depress me." + +So we named the Doctor "Jumbo," and I departed to my quarters. + +At the bunk house, the comments were similar but more highly salted. The +men were going to bed. In spite of their outward decorum at the service, +they had not liked to be told that they were "altogether become filthy." +It was easy to call names; they could do that themselves. And they +appealed to me, several speaking at once, like a concerted piece at the +opera: "Say, do you believe babies go to hell?"--"Ah, of course he +don't."--"There ain't no hereafter, anyway."--"Ain't there?"--"Who told +y'u?"--"Same man as told the preacher we were all a sifted set of +sons-of-guns."--"Well, I'm going to stay a Mormon."--"Well, I'm going to +quit fleeing from temptation."--"That's so! Better get it in the neck +after a good time than a poor one." And so forth. Their wit was not +extreme, yet I should like Dr. MacBride to have heard it. One fellow put +his natural soul pretty well into words, "If I happened to learn what +they had predestinated me to do, I'd do the other thing, just to show +'em!" + +And Trampas? And the Virginian? They were out of it. The Virginian had +gone straight to his new abode. Trampas lay in his bed, not asleep, and +sullen as ever. + +"He ain't got religion this trip," said Scipio to me. + +"Did his new foreman get it?" I asked. + +"Huh! It would spoil him. You keep around, that's all. Keep around." + +Scipio was not to be probed; and I went, still baffled, to my repose. + +No light burned in the cabin as I approached its door. + +The Virginian's room was quiet and dark; and that Dr. MacBride slumbered +was plainly audible to me, even before I entered. Go fishing with him! I +thought, as I undressed. And I selfishly decided that the Judge might +have this privilege entirely to himself. Sleep came to me fairly soon, +in spite of the Doctor. I was wakened from it by my bed's being +jolted--not a pleasant thing that night. I must have started. And it was +the quiet voice of the Virginian that told me he was sorry to have +accidentally disturbed me. This disturbed me a good deal more. But his +steps did not go to the bunk house, as my sensational mind had +suggested. He was not wearing much, and in the dimness he seemed taller +than common. I next made out that he was bending over Dr. MacBride. The +divine at last sprang upright. + +"I am armed," he said. "Take care. Who are you?" + +"You can lay down your gun, seh. I feel like my spirit was going to bear +witness. I feel like I might get an enlightening." + +He was using some of the missionary's own language. The baffling I had +been treated to by Scipio melted to nothing in this. Did living men +petrify, I should have changed to mineral between the sheets. The Doctor +got out of bed, lighted his lamp, and found a book; and the two retired +into the Virginian's room, where I could hear the exhortations as I lay +amazed. In time the Doctor returned, blew out his lamp, and settled +himself. I had been very much awake, but was nearly gone to sleep again, +when the door creaked and the Virginian stood by the Doctor's side. + +"Are you awake, seh?" + +"What? What's that? What is it?" + +"Excuse me, seh. The enemy is winning on me. I'm feeling less inward +opposition to sin." + +The lamp was lighted, and I listened to some further exhortations. They +must have taken half an hour. When the Doctor was in bed again, I +thought that I heard him sigh. This upset my composure in the dark; but +I lay face downward in the pillow, and the Doctor was soon again +snoring. I envied him for a while his faculty of easy sleep. But I must +have dropped off myself; for it was the lamp in my eyes that now waked +me as he came back for the third time from the Virginian's room. Before +blowing the light out he looked at his watch, and thereupon I inquired +the hour of him. + +"Three," said he. + +I could not sleep any more now, and I lay watching the darkness. + +"I'm afeard to be alone!" said the Virginian's voice presently in the +next room. "I'm afeard." There was a short pause, and then he shouted +very loud, "I'm losin' my desire afteh the sincere milk of the Word!" + +"What? What's that? What?" The Doctor's cot gave a great crack as he +started up listening, and I put my face deep in the pillow. + +"I'm afeard! I'm afeard! Sin has quit being bitter in my belly." + +"Courage, my good man." The Doctor was out of bed with his lamp again, +and the door shut behind him. Between them they made it long this time. +I saw the window become gray; then the corners of the furniture grow +visible; and outside, the dry chorus of the blackbirds began to fill the +dawn. To these the sounds of chickens and impatient hoofs in the stable +were added, and some cow wandered by loudly calling for her calf. Next, +some one whistling passed near and grew distant. But although the cold +hue that I lay staring at through the window warmed and changed, the +Doctor continued working hard over his patient in the next room. Only a +word here and there was distinct; but it was plain from the Virginian's +fewer remarks that the sin in his belly was alarming him less. Yes, they +made this time long. But it proved, indeed, the last one. And though +some sort of catastrophe was bound to fall upon us, it was myself who +precipitated the thing that did happen. + +Day was wholly come. I looked at my own watch, and it was six. I had +been about seven hours in my bed, and the Doctor had been about seven +hours out of his. The door opened, and he came in with his book and +lamp. He seemed to be shivering a little, and I saw him cast a longing +eye at his couch. But the Virginian followed him even as he blew out the +now quite superfluous light. They made a noticeable couple in their +underclothes; the Virginian with his lean racehorse shanks running to a +point at his ankle, and the Doctor with his stomach and his fat +sedentary calves. + +"You'll be going to breakfast and the ladies, seh, pretty soon," said +the Virginian, with a chastened voice. "But I'll worry through the day +somehow without y'u. And to-night you can turn your wolf loose on me +again." + +Once more it was no use. My face was deep in the pillow, but I made +sounds as of a hen who has laid an egg. It broke on the Doctor with a +total instantaneous smash, quite like an egg. + +He tried to speak calmly. "This is a disgrace. An infamous disgrace. +Never in my life have I--" Words forsook him, and his face grew redder. +"Never in my life--" He stopped again, because, at the sight of him +being dignified in his red drawers, I was making the noise of a dozen +hens. It was suddenly too much for the Virginian. He hastened into his +room, and there sank on the floor with his head in his hands. The Doctor +immediately slammed the door upon him, and this rendered me easily fit +for a lunatic asylum. I cried into my pillow, and wondered if the Doctor +would come and kill me. But he took no notice of me whatever. I could +hear the Virginian's convulsions through the door, and also the Doctor +furiously making his toilet within three feet of my head; and I lay +quite still with my face the other way, for I was really afraid to look +at him. When I heard him walk to the door in his boots, I ventured to +peep; and there he was, going out with his bag in his hand. As I still +continued to lie, weak and sore, and with a mind that had ceased all +operation, the Virginian's door opened. He was clean and dressed and +decent, but the devil still sported in his eye. I have never seen a +creature more irresistibly handsome. + +Then my mind worked again. "You've gone and done it," said I. "He's +packed his valise. He'll not sleep here." + +The Virginian looked quickly out of the door. "Why, he's leavin' us!" he +exclaimed. "Drivin' away right now in his little old buggy!" He turned +to me, and our eyes met solemnly over this large fact. I thought that I +perceived the faintest tincture of dismay in the features of Judge +Henry's new, responsible, trusty foreman. This was the first act of his +administration. Once again he looked out at the departing missionary. +"Well," he vindictively stated, "I cert'nly ain't goin' to run afteh +him." And he looked at me again. + +"Do you suppose the Judge knows?" I inquired. + +He shook his head. "The windo' shades is all down still oveh yondeh." He +paused. "I don't care," he stated, quite as if he had been ten years +old. Then he grinned guiltily. "I was mighty respectful to him all +night." + +"Oh, yes, respectful! Especially when you invited him to turn his wolf +loose." + +The Virginian gave a joyous gulp. He now came and sat down on the edge +of my bed. "I spoke awful good English to him most of the time," said +he. "I can, y'u know, when I cinch my attention tight on to it. Yes, I +cert'nly spoke a lot o' good English. I didn't understand some of it +myself!" + +He was now growing frankly pleased with his exploit. He had builded so +much better than he knew. He got up and looked out across the crystal +world of light. "The Doctor is at one-mile crossing," he said. "He'll +get breakfast at the N-lazy-Y." Then he returned and sat again on my +bed, and began to give me his real heart. "I never set up for being +better than others. Not even to myself. My thoughts ain't apt to travel +around making comparisons. And I shouldn't wonder if my memory took as +much notice of the meannesses I have done as of--as of the other +actions. But to have to sit like a dumb lamb and let a stranger tell y'u +for an hour that yu're a hawg and a swine, just after you have acted in +a way which them that know the facts would call pretty near white--" + +[Footnote 3: Reprinted from Mr. Owen Wister's "The Virginian." +Copyright, 1902-1904, by The Macmillan Company.] + + + + +AN APRIL ARIA + +BY R.K. MUNKITTRICK + + + Now, in the shimmer and sheen that dance on the leaf of the lily, + Causing the bud to explode, and gilding the poodle's chinchilla, + Gladys cavorts with the rake, and hitches the string to the lattice, + While with the trowel she digs, and gladdens the heart of the shanghai. + + Now, while the vine twists about the ribs of the cast-iron Pallas, + And, on the zephyr afloat, the halcyon soul of the borax + Blends with the scent of the soap, the brush of the white-washer's + flying + E'en as the chicken-hawk flies when ready to light on its quarry. + + Out in the leaf-dappled wood the dainty hepatica's blowing, + While the fiend hammers the rug from Ispahan, Lynn, or Woonsocket, + And the grim furnace is out, and over the ash heap and bottles + Capers the "Billy" in glee, becanning his innermost Billy. + + Now the blue pill is on tap, and likewise the sarsaparilla, + And on the fence and the barn, quite worthy of S. Botticelli, + Frisk the lithe leopard and gnu, in malachite, purple, and crimson, + That we may know at a glance the circus is out on the rampage. + + Put then the flannels away and trot out the old linen duster, + Pack the bob-sled in the barn, and bring forth the baseball and racket, + For the spry Spring is on deck, performing her roseate breakdown + Unto the tune of the van that rattles and bangs on the cobbles. + + + + +MEDITATIONS OF A MARINER[4] + +BY WALLACE IRWIN + + + A-watchin' how the sea behaves + For hours and hours I sit; + And I know the sea is full o' waves-- + I've often noticed it. + + For on the deck each starry night + The wild waves and the tame + I counts and knows 'em all by sight + And some of 'em by name. + + And then I thinks a cove like me + Ain't got no right to roam; + For I'm homesick when I puts to sea + And seasick when I'm home. + +[Footnote 4: From "Nautical Lays of a Landsman," by Wallace Irwin. +Copyright, 1904, by Dodd, Mead & Co.] + + + + +VICTORY[5] + +BY TOM MASSON + + + I turned to the dictionary + For a word I couldn't spell, + And closed the book when I found it + And dipped my pen in the well. + + Then I thought to myself, "How was it?" + With a sense of inward pain, + And still 'twas a little doubtful, + So I turned to the book again. + + This time I remarked, "How easy!" + As I muttered each letter o'er, + But when I got to the inkwell + 'Twas gone, as it went before. + + Then I grabbed that dictionary + And I sped its pages through, + And under my nose I put it + With that doubtful word in view. + + I held it down with my body + While I gripped that pen quite fast, + And I howled, as I traced each letter: + "I've got you now, _at last_!" + +[Footnote 5: Lippincott's Magazine.] + + + + +THE FAMILY HORSE + +BY FREDERICK S. COZZENS + + +I have bought me a horse. As I had obtained some skill in the _manège_ +during my younger days, it was a matter of consideration to have a +saddle-horse. It surprised me to find good saddle-horses very abundant +soon after my consultation with the stage proprietor upon this topic. +There were strange saddle-horses to sell almost every day. One man was +very candid about his horse: he told me, if his horse had a blemish, he +wouldn't wait to be asked about it; he would tell it right out; and, if +a man didn't want him then, he needn't take him. He also proposed to put +him on trial for sixty days, giving his note for the amount paid him for +the horse, to be taken up in case the animal were returned. I asked him +what were the principal defects of the horse. He said he'd been fired +once, because they thought he was spavined; but there was no more spavin +to him than there was to a fresh-laid egg--he was as sound as a dollar. +I asked him if he would just state what were the defects of the horse. +He answered, that he once had the pink-eye, and added, "now that's +honest." I thought so, but proceeded to question him closely. I asked +him if he had the bots. He said, not a bot. I asked him if he would go. +He said he would go till he dropped down dead; just touch him with a +whip, and he'll jump out of his hide. I inquired how old he was. He +answered, just eight years, exactly--some men, he said, wanted to make +their horses younger than they be; he was willing to speak right out, +and own up he was eight years. I asked him if there were any other +objections. He said no, except that he was inclined to be a little gay; +"but," he added, "he is so kind, a child can drive him with a thread." I +asked him if he was a good family horse. He replied that no lady that +ever drew rein over him would be willing to part with him. Then I asked +him his price. He answered that no man could have bought him for one +hundred dollars a month ago, but now he was willing to sell him for +seventy-five, on account of having a note to pay. This seemed such a +very low price, I was about saying I would take him, when Mrs. +Sparrowgrass whispered that I had better _see the horse first_. I +confess I was a little afraid of losing my bargain by it, but, out of +deference to Mrs. S., I did ask to see the horse before I bought him. He +said he would fetch him down. "No man," he added, "ought to buy a horse +unless he's saw him." When the horse came down, it struck me that, +whatever his qualities might be, his personal appearance was against +him. One of his fore legs was shaped like the handle of our punch-ladle, +and the remaining three legs, about the fetlock, were slightly bunchy. +Besides, he had no tail to brag of; and his back had a very hollow sweep +from his high haunches to his low shoulder-blades. I was much pleased, +however, with the fondness and pride manifested by his owner, as he held +up, by both sides of the bridle, the rather longish head of his horse, +surmounting a neck shaped like a pea-pod, and said, in a sort of +triumphant voice, "three-quarters blood!" Mrs. Sparrowgrass flushed up a +little when she asked me if I intended to purchase _that_ horse, and +added, that, if I did, she would never want to ride. So I told the man +he would not suit me. He answered by suddenly throwing himself upon his +stomach across the backbone of his horse, and then, by turning round as +on a pivot, got up a-straddle of him; then he gave his horse a kick in +the ribs that caused him to jump out with all his legs, like a frog, and +then off went the spoon-legged animal with a gait that was not a trot, +nor yet precisely pacing. He rode around our grass plot twice, and then +pulled his horse's head up like the cock of a musket. "That," said he, +"is _time_." I replied that he did seem to go pretty fast. "Pretty +fast!" said his owner. "Well, do you know Mr. ----?" mentioning one of +the richest men in our village. I replied that I was acquainted with +him. "Well," said he, "you know his horse?" I replied that I had no +personal acquaintance with him. "Well," said he, "he's the fastest horse +in the county--jist so--I'm willin' to admit it. But do you know I +offered to put my horse agin' his to trot? I had no money to put up, or +rayther, to spare; but I offered to trot him, horse agin' horse, and the +winner to take both horses, and I tell you--_he wouldn't do it!_" + +Mrs. Sparrowgrass got a little nervous, and twitched me by the skirt of +the coat "Dear," said she, "let him go." I assured her that I would not +buy the horse, and told the man firmly I would not buy him. He said, +very well--if he didn't suit 'twas no use to keep a-talkin': but he +added, he'd be down agin' with another horse, next morning, that +belonged to his brother; and if he didn't suit me, then I didn't want a +horse. With this remark he rode off.... + +"It rains very hard," said Mrs. Sparrowgrass, looking out of the window +next morning. Sure enough, the rain was sweeping broadcast over the +country, and the four Sparrowgrassii were flattening a quartet of noses +against the window-panes, believing most faithfully the man would bring +the horse that belonged to his brother, in spite of the elements. It was +hoping against hope; no man having a horse to sell will trot him out in +a rainstorm, unless he intend to sell him at a bargain--but childhood is +so credulous! The succeeding morning was bright, however, and down came +the horse. He had been very cleverly groomed, and looked pleasant under +the saddle. The man led him back and forth before the door. "There, +'squire, 's as good a hos as ever stood on iron." Mrs. Sparrowgrass +asked me what he meant by that. I replied, it was a figurative way of +expressing, in horse-talk, that he was as good a horse as ever stood in +shoe-leather. "He's a handsome hos, 'squire," said the man. I replied +that he did seem to be a good-looking animal; but, said I, "he does not +quite come up to the description of a horse I have read." "Whose hos was +it?" said he. I replied it was the horse of Adonis. He said he didn't +know him; but, he added, "there is so many hosses stolen, that the +descriptions are stuck up now pretty common." To put him at his ease +(for he seemed to think I suspected him of having stolen the horse), I +told him the description I meant had been written some hundreds of years +ago by Shakespeare, and repeated it: + + "Round-hooft, short-joynted, fetlocks shag and long, + Broad breast, full eyes, small head, and nostrils wide, + High crest, short ears, straight legs, and passing strong, + Thin mane, thick tail, broad buttock, tender hide." + +"'Squire," said he, "that will do for a song, but it ain't no p'ints of +a good hos. Trotters nowadays go in all shapes, big heads and little +heads, big eyes and little eyes, short ears or long ears, thick tail and +no tail; so as they have sound legs, good l'in, good barrel, and good +stifle, and wind, 'squire, and speed well, they'll fetch a price. Now, +this animal is what I call a hos, 'squire; he's got the p'ints, he's +stylish, he's close-ribbed, a free goer, kind in harness--single or +double--a good feeder." I asked him if being a good feeder was a +desirable quality. He replied it was; "of course," said he, "if your hos +is off his feed, he ain't good for nothin'. But what's the use," he +added, "of me tellin' you the p'ints of a good hos? You're a hos man, +'squire: you know--" "It seems to me," said I, "there is something the +matter with that left eye." "No, _sir_" said he, and with that he pulled +down the horse's head, and, rapidly crooking his forefinger at the +suspected organ, said, "see thar--don't wink a bit." "But he should +wink," I replied. "Not onless his eye are weak," he said. To satisfy +myself, I asked the man to let me take the bridle. He did so, and as +soon as I took hold of it, the horse started off in a remarkable +retrograde movement, dragging me with him into my best bed of hybrid +roses. Finding we were trampling down all the best plants, that had cost +at auction from three-and-sixpence to seven shillings apiece, and that +the more I pulled, the more he backed, I finally let him have his own +way, and jammed him stern-foremost into our largest climbing rose that +had been all summer prickling itself, in order to look as much like a +vegetable porcupine as possible. This unexpected bit of satire in his +rear changed his retrograde movement to a sidelong bound, by which he +flirted off half the pots on the balusters, upsetting my gladioluses and +tuberoses in the pod, and leaving great splashes of mould, geraniums, +and red pottery in the gravel walk. By this time his owner had managed +to give him two pretty severe cuts with the whip, which made him +unmanageable, so I let him go. We had a pleasant time catching him +again, when he got among the Lima-bean poles; but his owner led him back +with a very self-satisfied expression. "Playful, ain't he, 'squire?" I +replied that I thought he was, and asked him if it was usual for his +horse to play such pranks. He said it was not "You see, 'squire, he +feels his oats, and hain't been out of the stable for a month. Use him, +and he's as kind as a kitten." With that he put his foot in the stirrup, +and mounted. The animal really looked very well as he moved around the +grass-plot, and, as Mrs. Sparrowgrass seemed to fancy him, I took a +written guarantee that he was sound, and bought him. What I gave for him +is a secret; I have not even told Mrs. Sparrowgrass.... + +We had passed Chicken Island, and the famous house with the stone gable +and the one stone chimney, in which General Washington slept, as he made +it a point to sleep in every old stone house in Westchester County, and +had gone pretty far on the road, past the cemetery, when Mrs. +Sparrowgrass said suddenly, "Dear, what is the matter with your horse?" +As I had been telling the children all the stories about the river on +the way, I managed to get my head pretty well inside of the carriage, +and, at the time she spoke, was keeping a lookout in front with my back. +The remark of Mrs. Sparrowgrass induced me to turn about, and I found +the new horse behaving in a most unaccountable manner. He was going down +hill with his nose almost to the ground, running the wagon first on this +side and then on the other. I thought of the remark made by the man, and +turning again to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, said, "Playful, isn't he?" The next +moment I heard something breaking away in front, and then the rockaway +gave a lurch and stood still. Upon examination I found the new horse had +tumbled down, broken one shaft, gotten the other through the check-rein +so as to bring his head up with a round turn, and besides had managed +to put one of the traces in a single hitch around his off hind leg. So +soon as I had taken all the young ones and Mrs. Sparrowgrass out of the +rockaway, I set to work to liberate the horse, who was choking very fast +with the check-rein. It is unpleasant to get your fishing-line in a +tangle when you are in a hurry for bites, but I never saw fishing-line +in such a tangle as that harness. However, I set to work with a +pen-knife, and cut him out in such a way as to make getting home by our +conveyance impossible. When he got up, he was the sleepiest-looking +horse I ever saw. "Mrs. Sparrowgrass," said I, "won't you stay here with +the children until I go to the nearest farm-house?" Mrs. Sparrowgrass +replied that she would. Then I took the horse with me to get him out of +the way of the children, and went in search of assistance. The first +thing the new horse did when he got about a quarter of a mile from the +scene of the accident was to tumble down a bank. Fortunately the bank +was not over four feet high, but as I went with him, my trousers were +rent in a grievous place. While I was getting the new horse on his feet +again, I saw a colored person approaching, who came to my assistance. +The first thing he did was to pull out a large jack-knife, and the next +thing he did was to open the new horse's mouth and run the blade two or +three times inside the new horse's gums. Then the new horse commenced +bleeding. "Dah, sah," said the man, shutting up his jack-knife, "ef 't +hadn't been for dat yer, your hos would a' bin a goner." "What was the +matter with him?" said I. "Oh, he's only jis got de blind-staggers, das +all. Say," said he, before I was half indignant enough at the man who +had sold me such an animal, "say, ain't your name Sparrowgrass?" I +replied that my name was Sparrowgrass. "Oh," said he, "I knows you, I +brung some fowls once down to you place. I heerd about you and your hos. +Dats de hos dats got de heaves so bad, heh! heh! You better sell dat +hoss." I determined to take his advice, and employed him to lead my +purchase to the nearest place where he would be cared for. Then I went +back to the rockaway, but met Mrs. Sparrowgrass and the children on the +road coming to meet me. She had left a man in charge of the rockaway. +When we got to the rockaway we found the man missing, also the whip and +one cushion. We got another person to take charge of the rockaway, and +had a pleasant walk home by moonlight. I think a moonlight night +delicious, upon the Hudson. + +Does any person want a horse at a low price? A good stylish-looking +animal, close-ribbed, good loin, and good stifle, sound legs, with only +the heaves and blind-staggers, and a slight defect in one of his eyes? +If at any time he slips his bridle and gets away, you can always +approach him by getting on his left side. I will also engage to give a +written guarantee that he is sound and kind, signed by the brother of +his former owner. + + + + +SONNET OF THE LOVABLE LASS AND THE PLETHORIC DAD[6] + +BY J.W. FOLEY + + + Shee sez shee neavur neavur luvd befoar + shee saw me passen bi hur paws frunt dore + wenn shee wuz hangen on the gait ann i + Lookt foolish att hur wenn ime goen bi. + Uv korse sheed hadd sum boze butt nun thatt sturd + hur hart down too itts deppths until shee hurd + me wissel ann shee saw mi fais. Ann wenn + shee furst saw mee sheed neavur luv agen + shee sedd shee noo. ann iff i shunnd hur eye + sheed be a nunn ann bidd thee wurld good bi. + + How swete itt is wenn munnys on thee throan + uv life to bee luvd fore ureself aloan + Ann no thatt u have gott thee powr to stur + a woomans hart wenn u jusst look att hur. + ann o itts sweeter still iff u kan no + hur paw has gott jusst oshuns uv thee doe + Ann u jusst hav to furnish luv ann hee + wil furnish munny fore boath u ann shee. + i wood nott kair iff shee wuz poor butt o + itts dubley swete too no sheez gott thee doe: + + i wood nott hezzetait iff shee wuz poor + Too marrie hur. togeathur weed endoor + wottever forchun sennt with rite good will + butt sins sheeze rich itts awl thee bettur stil. + ide luv hur in a cottidge jusst thee saim + fore luv is such a holey sakerud flaim + thatt burns like tindur wenn u strike a lite + butt still itt burns moar gloarious ann brite + wenn shee has lotts uv munny ann hur paw + with menny thowsunds is ure fawthernlaw. + +[Footnote 6: By permission of Life Publishing Company.] + + + + +THE LOVE SONNETS OF A HUSBAND + +BY MAURICE SMILEY + + +I LOVE YOU STILL + + You ask me if I love you still, tho' you + And I were wed scarce one short happy year + Agone. How well do I remember, dear, + The day you put your hand in mine, and through + Life's good and ill, tho' skies were gray or blue, + We plighted faith that should not know a fear. + That was the day I kissed away the tear + That trembled on your cheek like morning dew. + Of course I love you--still. You're at your best, + Your perihelion, when you're silentest. + I'd love you as I did, dear heart, of yore, + And still a little more, nor ever tire: + Why, I would love you like a house afire + If you were only still a little more. + + +SOUL TO SOUL + + I think I loved you first when in your eyes + I saw the glad, rapt answer to the spell + Of Paderewski, when we heard him tell + Life's gentler meaning, Love's sweet sacrifice. + The master caught the rhythm of your sighs + And then, inspired, the story rose and fell + And sang of moonlight in a leafy dell, + Of souls' Arcadias and dreaming skies, + Of hearts and hopes and purposes that blend. + Your bosom heaved beneath the witcheries + That seemed to set a halo on his brow, + And then the message sobbed on to its end. + "That's fine," you murmured, chewing faster; "please + Ask him if he won't play 'Bedelia' now." + + +YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULD DIE FOR ME + + You said that you would die for me, if e'er + That price would buy me happiness. I dreamed + Not of devotion like to that, that seemed + To joy in sacrifice; that, tenderer + Than selfish Life's small immolations were, + Made Love an altar whereupon it deemed + It naught to offer all; a shrine that gleamed + With utter loyalty's red drops. I ne'er + Believed that you were just quite in your head + In saying death would prove Fidelity. + But when I saw the packages of white and red + Your druggist showed me--he's my chum, you see-- + I knew you meant, dear heart, just what you said, + When you declared that you would dye for me. + + +I CAN NOT BEAR YOUR SIGHS + + Your smiles, dear one, have all the glad surprise + The sunshine hath for roses; what the day + Brings to the waiting lark. When you are gay + My spirit sings in tune, and sorrow flies + Away. But, dear, I can not bear your sighs + When on my knees you nestle and you lay + Your tear-wet face upon my shoulder. Nay, + I can not help the pain that fills mine eyes. + So, love, whatever cup of Life you drain + I'll stand for. Send the cashier's check to me. + "Smile" all you want to; smile and smile again. + But as you weigh two hundred pounds, you see + Why, when you cuddle down upon my knee, + It is your size, dear heart, that gives me pain. + + +A HAND I HELD + + The heartless years have many hopes dispelled. + But they have left me one dear night in June. + They've left the still white splendor of the moon. + They've left the mem'ry of a hand I held, + While up thro' all my soul the rapture welled + Of victory. I hear again the croon + Of twilight time, the lullaby that soon + To all the day's glad music shall have swelled. + I hold a hand I never held before, + A hand like which I'll never hold some more. + It was the first time I had ever "called." + 'Twas at the club, as we began to leave. + I held five aces, but the dealer balled + The ones that he had planted up his sleeve. + + +YOUR CHEEK + + To feel your hands stray shyly to my head + And flutter down like birds that find their nest, + To see the gentle rise and fall of your dear breast, + To hear again some tender word you said, + To watch the little feet whose dainty tread + Fell light as flowers upon the way they pressed, + To touch again the lips I have caressed-- + All these are precious. But your cheek of red + Outlives the mem'ry of all other things. + I'd known you scarce a month, or maybe two; + I had not yet made up my mind to speak, + You trots out Tifny's catalogue of rings; + Says No. 6 (200 yen) will do. + So I remember best of all your cheek. + + +WITH ALL YOUR FAULTS + + You would not stop this side the farthest line + Of Truth, you said, nor hide one little falsity + From my sweet faith that was too kind to see. + You said a keener vision would divine + All failings later, bare each hid design, + Each poor disguise of loving's treachery + That screened its weaknesses from even me. + How oft you said those cherry lips were mine + Alone. The cherries came in little jars, + I learned. Those auburn locks, I found with pain, + Cost forty plunks, according to the bill + I saw. Those pearly teeth were porcelain. + But I forgive you for each fault that mars. + With all your faults, dear heart, I love you still. + + + + +HOW WE BOUGHT A SEWIN' MACHINE AND ORGAN + +BY JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE + + +We done dretful well last year. The crops come in first-rate, and Josiah +had five or six heads of cattle to turn off at a big price. He felt +well, and he proposed to me that I should have a sewin' machine. That +man,--though he don't coo at me so frequent as he probable would if he +had more encouragement in it, is attached to me with a devotedness that +is firm and almost cast-iron, and says he, almost tenderly: "Samantha, I +will get you a sewin' machine." + +Says I, "Josiah, I have got a couple of sewin' machines by me that have +run pretty well for upwards of--well it haint necessary to go into +particulars, but they have run for considerable of a spell anyway"--says +I, "I can git along without another one, though no doubt it would be +handy to have round." + +But Josiah hung onto that machine. And then he up and said he was goin' +to buy a organ. Thomas Jefferson wanted one too. They both seemed sot +onto that organ. Tirzah Ann took hern with her of course when she was +married, and Josiah said it seemed so awful lonesome without any Tirzah +Ann or any music, that it seemed almost as if two girls had married out +of the family instead of one. He said money couldn't buy us another +Tirzah Ann, but it would buy us a new organ, and he was determined to +have one. He said it would be so handy for her to play on when she came +home, and for other company. And then Thomas J. can play quite well; he +can play any tune, almost, with one hand, and he sings first-rate, too. +He and Tirzah Ann used to sing together a sight; he sings bearatone, and +she sulfireno--that is what they call it. They git up so many +new-fangled names nowadays, that I think it is most a wonder that I +don't make a slip once in a while and git things wrong. I should, if I +hadn't got a mind like a ox for strength. + +But as I said, Josiah was fairly sot on that machine and organ, and I +thought I'd let him have his way. So it got out that we was goin' to buy +a sewin' machine, and a organ. Well, we made up our minds on Friday, +pretty late in the afternoon, and on Monday forenoon I was a washin', +when I heard a knock at the front door, and I wrung my hands out of the +water and went and opened it. A slick lookin' feller stood there, and I +invited him in and sot him a chair. + +"I hear you are talkin' about buyin' a musical instrument," says he. + +"No," says I, "we are goin' to buy a organ." + +"Well," says he, "I want to advise you, not that I have any interest in +it at all, only I don't want to see you so imposed upon. It fairly makes +me mad to see a Methodist imposed upon; I lean towards that perswasion +myself. Organs are liable to fall to pieces any minute. There haint no +dependence on 'em at all, the insides of 'em are liable to break out at +any time. If you have any regard for your own welfare and safety, you +will buy a piano. Not that I have any interest in advising you, only my +devotion to the cause of Right; pianos never wear out." + +"Where should we git one?" says I, for I didn't want Josiah to throw +away his property. + +"Well," says he, "as it happens, I guess I have got one out here in the +wagon. I believe I threw one into the bottom of the wagon this mornin', +as I was a comin' down by here on business. I am glad now I did, for it +always makes me feel ugly to see a Methodist imposed upon." + +Josiah came into the house in a few minutes, and I told him about it, +and says I: + +"How lucky it is Josiah, that we found out about organs before it was +too late." + +But Josiah asked the price, and said he wasn't goin' to pay out no three +hundred dollars, for he wasn't able. But the man asked if we was willin' +to have it brought into the house for a spell--we could do as we was a +mind to about buyin' it; and of course we couldn't refuse, so Josiah +most broke his back a liftin' it in, and they set it up in the parlor, +and after dinner the man went away. + +Josiah bathed his back with linement, for he had strained it bad a +liftin' that piano, and I had jest got back to my washin' again (I had +had to put it away to git dinner) when I heerd a knockin' again to the +front door, and I pulled down my dress sleeves and went and opened it, +and there stood a tall, slim feller; and the kitchen bein' all cluttered +up I opened the parlor door and asked him in there, and the minute he +catched sight of that piano, he jest lifted up both hands, and says he: + +"You haint got one of them here!" + +He looked so horrified that it skairt me, and says I in almost tremblin' +tones: + +"What is the matter with 'em?" And I added in a cheerful tone, "we haint +bought it." + +He looked more cheerful too as I said it, and says he "You may be +thankful enough that you haint. There haint no music in 'em at all; hear +that," says he, goin' up and strikin' the very top note. It did sound +flat enough. + +Says I, "There must be more music in it than that, though I haint no +judge at all." + +"Well, hear that, then," and he went and struck the very bottom note. +"You see just what it is, from top to bottom. But it haint its total +lack of music that makes me despise pianos so, it is because they are so +dangerous." + +"Dangerous?" says I. + +"Yes, in thunder storms, you see;" says he, liftin' up the cover, "here +it is all wire, enough for fifty lightnin' rods--draw the lightnin' +right into the room. Awful dangerous! No money would tempt me to have +one in my house with my wife and daughter. I shouldn't sleep a wink +thinkin' I had exposed 'em to such danger." + +"Good land!" says I, "I never thought on it before." + +"Well, now you _have_ thought of it, you see plainly that a organ is +jest what you need. They are full of music, safe, healthy and don't cost +half so much." + +Says I, "A organ was what we had sot our minds on at first." + +"Well, I have got one out here, and I will bring it in." + +"What is the price?" says I. + +"One hundred and ninety dollars," says he. + +"There won't be no need of bringin' it in at that price," says I, "for I +have heerd Josiah say, that he wouldn't give a cent over a hundred +dollars." + +"Well," says the feller, "I'll tell you what I'll do. Your countenance +looks so kinder natural to me, and I like the looks of the country round +here so well, that if your mind is made up on the price you want to pay, +I won't let a trifle of ninety dollars part us. You can have it for one +hundred." + +Well, the end on't was, he brung it in and sot it up the other end of +the parlor, and drove off. And when Josiah come in from his work, and +Thomas J. come home from Jonesville, they liked it first rate. + +But the very next day, a new agent come, and he looked awful skairt when +he katched sight of that organ, and real mad and indignant too. + +"That villain haint been a tryin' to get one of them organs off onto +you, has he?" says he. + +"What is the trouble with 'em?" says I, in a awestruck tone, for he +looked bad. + +"Why," says he, "there is a heavy mortgage on every one of his organs. +If you bought one of him, and paid for it, it would be liable to be took +away from you any minute when you was right in the middle of a tune, +leavin' you a settin' on the stool; and you would lose every cent of +your money." + +"Good gracious!" says I, for it skairt me to think what a narrow chance +we had run. Well, finally, he brung in one of hisen, and sot it up in +the kitchen, the parlor bein' full on 'em. + +And the fellers kep' a comin' and a goin' at all hours. For a spell, at +first, Josiah would come in and talk with 'em, but after a while he got +tired out, and when he would see one a comin' he would start on a run +for the barn, and hide, and I would have to stand the brunt of it alone. +One feller see Josiah a runnin' for the barn, and he follered him in, +and Josiah dove under the barn, as I found out afterwards. I happened to +see him a crawlin' out after the feller drove off. Josiah come in a +shakin' himself--for he was all covered with straw and feathers--and +says he: + +"Samantha there has got to be a change." + +"How is there goin' to be a change?" says I. + +"I'll tell you," says he, in a whisper--for fear some on 'em was +prowlin' round the house yet--"we will git up before light to-morrow +mornin', and go to Jonesville and buy a organ right out." + +I fell in with the idee, and we started for Jonesville the next mornin'. +We got there jest after the break of day, and bought it of the man to +the breakfast table. Says Josiah to me afterwards, as we was goin' down +into the village: + +"Let's keep dark about buyin' one, and see how many of the creeters will +be a besettin' on us to-day." + +So we kep' still, and there was half a dozen fellers follerin' us round +all the time a most, into stores and groceries and the manty makers, and +they would stop us on the sidewalk and argue with us about their organs +and pianos. One feller, a tall slim chap, never let Josiah out of his +sight a minute; and he follered him when he went after his horse, and +walked by the side of the wagon clear down to the store where I was, a +arguin' all the way about his piano. Josiah had bought a number of +things and left 'em to the store, and when we got there, there stood the +organ man by the side of the things, jest like a watch dog. He knew +Josiah would come and git 'em, and he could git the last word with him. + +Amongst other things, Josiah had bought a barrel of salt, and the piano +feller that had stuck to Josiah so tight that day, offered to help him +on with it. And the organ man--not goin' to be outdone by the other--he +offered too. Josiah kinder winked to me, and then he held the old mare, +and let 'em lift. They wasn't used to such kind of work, and it fell +back on 'em once or twice, and most squashed 'em; but they nipped to, +and lifted again, and finally got it on; but they was completely +tuckered out. + +And then Josiah got in, and thanked 'em for the liftin'; and the organ +man, a wipin' the sweat offen his face--that had started out in his hard +labor--said he should be down to-morrow mornin'; and the piano man, a +pantin' for breath, told Josiah not to make up his mind till _he_ came; +he should be down that night if he got rested enough. + +And then Josiah told 'em that he should be glad to see 'em down a +visitin' any time, but he had jest bought a organ. + +I don't know but what they would have laid holt of Josiah, if they +hadn't been so tuckered out; but as it was, they was too beat out to +look anything but sneakin'; and so we drove off. + +The manty maker had told me that day, that there was two or three new +agents with new kinds of sewin' machines jest come to Jonesville, and I +was tellin' Josiah on it, when we met a middle-aged man, and he looked +at us pretty close, and finally he asked us as he passed by, if we could +tell him where Josiah Allen lived. + +Says Josiah, "I'm livin' at present in a Democrat." + +Says I, "In this one-horse wagon, you know." + +Says he, "You are thinkin' of buyin' a sewin' machine, haint you?" + +Says Josiah, "I am a turnin' my mind that way." + +At that, the man turned his horse round, and follered us, and I see he +had a sewin' machine in front of his wagon. We had the old mare and the +colt, and seein' a strange horse come up so close behind us, the colt +started off full run towards Jonesville, and then run down a cross-road +and into a lot. + +Says the man behind us, "I am a little younger than you be, Mr. Allen; +if you will hold my horse I will go after the colt with pleasure." + +Josiah was glad enough, and so he got into the feller's wagon; but +before he started off, the man, says he: + +"You can look at that machine in front of you while I am gone. I tell +you frankly, that there haint another machine equal to it in America; it +requires no strength at all; infants can run it for days at a time; or +idiots; if anybody knows enough to set and whistle, they can run this +machine; and it's especially adapted to the blind--blind people can run +it jest as well as them that can see. A blind woman last year, in one +day, made 43 dollars a makin' leather aprons; stitched them all round +the age two rows. She made two dozen of 'em, and then she made four +dozen gauze veils the same day, without changin' the needle. That is one +of the beauties of the machine, its goin' from leather to lace, and back +again, without changin' the needle. It is so tryin' for wimmen, every +time they want to go from leather to gauze and book muslin, to have to +change the needle; but you can see for yourself that it haint got its +equal in North America." + +He heerd the colt whinner, and Josiah stood up in the wagon, and looked +after it. So he started off down the cross road. + +And we sot there, feelin' considerable like a procession; Josiah holdin' +the stranger's horse, and I the old mare; and as we sot there, up driv +another slick lookin' chap, and I bein' ahead, he spoke to me, and says +he: + +"Can you direct me, mom, to Josiah Allen's house?" + +"It is about a mile from here," and I added in a friendly tone, "Josiah +is my husband." + +"Is he?" says he, in a genteel tone. + +"Yes," says I, "we have been to Jonesville, and our colt run down that +cross road, and--" + +"I see," says he interruptin' of me, "I see how it is." And then he went +on in a lower tone, "If you think of buyin' a sewin' machine, don't git +one of that feller in the wagon behind you--I know him well; he is one +of the most worthless shacks in the country, as you can plainly see by +the looks of his countenance. If I ever see a face in which knave and +villain is wrote down, it is on hisen. Any one with half an eye can see +that he would cheat his grandmother out of her snuff handkerchief, if he +got a chance." + +He talked so fast that I couldn't git a chance to put in a word age ways +for Josiah. + +"His sewin' machines are utterly worthless; he haint never sold one yet; +he cant. His character has got out--folks know him. There was a lady +tellin' me the other day that her machine she bought of him, all fell to +pieces in less than twenty-four hours after she bought it; fell onto her +infant, a sweet little babe, and crippled it for life. I see your +husband is havin' a hard time of it with that colt. I will jest hitch my +horse here to the fence, and go down and help him; I want to have a +little talk with him before he comes back here." So he started off on +the run. + +I told Josiah what he said about him, for it madded me, but Josiah took +it cool. He seemed to love to set there and see them two men run. I +never _did_ see a colt act as that one did; they didn't have time to +pass a word with each other, to find out their mistake, it kep' 'em so +on a keen run. They would git it headed towards us, and then it would +kick up its heels, and run into some lot, and canter round in a circle +with its head up in the air, and then bring up short ag'inst the fence; +and then they would leap over the fence. The first one had white +pantaloons on, but he didn't mind 'em; over he would go, right into +sikuta or elderbushes, and they would wave their hats at it, and holler, +and whistle, and bark like dogs, and the colt would whinner and start +off again right the wrong way, and them two men would go a pantin' after +it. They had been a runnin' nigh onto half an hour, when a good lookin' +young feller come along, and seein' me a settin' still and holdin' the +old mare, he up and says: + +"Are you in any trouble that I can assist you?" + +Says I, "We are goin' home from Jonesville, Josiah and me, and our colt +got away and--" + +But Josiah interrupted me, and says he, "And them two fools a caperin' +after it, are sewin' machine agents." + +The good lookin' chap see all through it in a minute, and he broke out +into a laugh it would have done your soul good to hear, it was so clear +and hearty, and honest. But he didn't say a word; he drove out to go by +us, and we see then that he had a sewin' machine in the buggy. + +"Are you a agent?" says Josiah. + +"Yes," says he. + +"What sort of a machine is this here?" says Josiah, liftin' up the cloth +from the machine in front of him. + +"A pretty good one," says the feller, lookin' at the name on it. + +"Is yours as good?" says Josiah. + +"I think it is better," says he. And then he started up his horse. + +"Hello! stop!" says Josiah. + +The feller stopped. + +"Why don't you run down other fellers' machines, and beset us to buy +yourn?" + +"Because I don't make a practice of stoppin' people on the street." + +"Do you haunt folks day and night; foller 'em up ladders, through +trap-doors, down sullers, and under barns?" + +"No," says the young chap, "I show people how my machine works; if they +want it, I sell it; and if they don't, I leave." + +"How much is your machine?" says Josiah. + +"75 dollars." + +"Can't you," says Josiah, "because I look so much like your old father, +or because I am a Methodist, or because my wife's mother used to live +neighbor to your grandmother--let me have it for 25 dollars?" + +The feller got up on his wagon, and turned his machine round so we could +see it plain--it was a beauty--and says he: + +"You see this machine, sir; I think it is the best one made, although +there is no great difference between this and the one over there; but I +think what difference there is, is in this one's favor. You can have it +for 75 dollars if you want it; if not, I will drive on." + +"How do you like the looks on it, Samantha?" + +Says I, "It is the kind I wanted to git." + +Josiah took out his wallet, and counted out 75 dollars, and says he: + +"Put that machine into that wagon where Samantha is." + +The good lookin' feller was jest liftin' of it in, and countin' over his +money, when the two fellers come up with the colt. It seemed that they +had had a explanation as they was comin' back; I see they had as quick +as I catched sight on 'em, for they was a walkin' one on one side of the +road, and the other on the other, most tight up to the fence. They was +most dead the colt had run 'em so, and it did seem as if their faces +couldn't look no redder nor more madder than they did as we catched +sight on 'em and Josiah thanked 'em for drivin' back the colt; but when +they see that the other feller had sold us a machine, their faces _did_ +look redder and madder. + +But I didn't care a mite; we drove off tickled enough that we had got +through with our sufferin's with agents. And the colt had got so beat +out a runnin' and racin', that he drove home first-rate, walkin' along +by the old mare as stiddy as a deacon. + + + + +CHEER FOR THE CONSUMER + +BY NIXON WATERMAN + + + I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter + If you crowd me in the street cars till I couldn't well be flatter; + I'm only a consumer, and the strikers may go striking, + For it's mine to end my living if it isn't to my liking. + I am a sort of parasite without a special mission + Except to pay the damages--mine is a queer position: + The Fates unite to squeeze me till I couldn't well be flatter, + For I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter. + + The baker tilts the price of bread upon the vaguest rumor + Of damage to the wheat crop, but I'm only a consumer, + So it really doesn't matter, for there's no law that compells me + To pay the added charges on the loaf of bread he sells me. + The iceman leaves a smaller piece when days are growing hotter, + But I'm only a consumer, and I do not need iced water: + My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor, + And it really doesn't matter, for I'm only a consumer. + + The milkman waters milk for me; there's garlic in my butter, + But I'm only a consumer, and it does no good to mutter; + I know that coal is going up and beef is getting higher, + But I'm only a consumer, and I have no need of fire; + While beefsteak is a luxury that wealth alone is needing, + I'm only a consumer, and what need have I for feeding? + My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor, + And it really doesn't matter, since I'm only a consumer. + + The grocer sells me addled eggs; the tailor sells me shoddy, + I'm only a consumer, and I am not anybody. + The cobbler pegs me paper soles, the dairyman short-weights me, + I'm only a consumer, and most everybody hates me. + There's turnip in my pumpkin pie and ashes in my pepper, + The world's my lazaretto, and I'm nothing but a leper; + So lay me in my lonely grave and tread the turf down flatter, + I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter. + + + + +A DESPERATE RACE + +BY J.F. KELLEY + + +Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party that met in the principal +hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of the +Buckeye state. + +It was a winter's evening, when all without was bleak and stormy and all +within were blithe and gay,--when song and story made the circuit of the +festive board, filling up the chasms of life with mirth and laughter. + +We had met for the express purpose of making a night of it, and the +pious intention was duly and most religiously carried out. The +Legislature was in session in that town, and not a few of the worthy +legislators were present upon this occasion. + +One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a big swath in +the evening's entertainment, but he was a man _more_ generally known +than our worthy President, James K. Polk. That man was the famous +Captain Riley, whose "Narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty +generally known all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a fine, +fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my story was the +representative of the Dayton district, and lived near that little city +when at home. Well, Captain Riley had amused the company with many of +his far-famed and singular adventures, which, being mostly told before +and read by millions of people that have seen his book, I will not +attempt to repeat. + +Many were the stories and adventures told by the company, when it came +to the turn of a well-known gentleman who represented the Cincinnati +district. As Mr. ---- is yet among the living, and perhaps not disposed +to be the subject of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give his +name. Mr. ---- was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and, at +the same time, much disposed to magnify himself into a marvellous hero +whenever the opportunity offered. As Captain Riley wound up one of his +truthful though really marvellous adventures, Mr. ---- coolly remarked +that the captain's story was all very _well_, but it did not begin to +compare with an adventure that he had, "once upon a time," on the Ohio, +below the present city of Cincinnati. + +"Let's have it!"--"Let's have it!" resounded from all hands. + +"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice for action and +knocking the ashes from his cigar against the arm of his +chair,--"gentlemen, I am not in the habit of spinning yarns of +marvellous or fictitious matters; and therefore it is scarcely necessary +to affirm upon the responsibility of my reputation, gentlemen, that what +I am about to tell you I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and--" + +"Oh, never mind that: go on, Mr. ----," chimed the party. + +"Well gentlemen, in 18-- I came down the Ohio River, and settled at +Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was at that time but a little +settlement of some twenty or thirty log and frame cabins, and where now +stand the Broadway Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling-houses, was +the cottage and corn-patch of old Mr. ----, the tailor, who, by the bye, +bought that land for the making of a coat for one of the settlers. Well, +I put up my cabin, with the aid of my neighbors, and put in a patch of +corn and potatoes, about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about +improving my lot, house, etc. + +"Occasionally I took up my rifle and started off with my dog down the +river, to look up a little deer or bar meat, then very plenty along the +river. The blasted red-skins were lurking about and hovering around the +settlement, and every once in a while picked off some of our neighbors +or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red demons, and made no bones +of peppering the blasted sarpents whenever I got a sight of them. In +fact, the red rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a good many traps +to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catched napping. No, no, gentlemen, +I was too well up to 'em for that. + +"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take a hunt, and +traveled a long way down the river, over the bottoms and hills, but +couldn't find no _bar_ nor deer. About four o'clock in the afternoon I +made tracks for the settlement again. By and by I sees a buck just ahead +of me, walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my faithful +old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting-distance, and just +as the buck stuck his nose in the drink I drew a bead upon his top-knot, +and over he tumbled, and splurged and bounded a while, when I came up +and relieved him by cutting his wizen--" + +"Well, but what has that to do with an _adventure_?" said Riley. + +"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen; by Jove, it had a great deal +to do with it. For, while I was busy skinning the hind-quarters of the +buck, and stowing away the kidney-fat in my hunting-shirt, I heard a +noise like the breaking of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My +dog heard it, and started up to reconnoiter, and I lost no time in +reloading my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out before my dog raised +a howl and broke through the brush toward me with his tail down, as he +was not used to doing unless there were wolves, painters (panthers), or +Injins about. + +"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in a skulking trot +up the river. The frequent gullies on the lower bank made it tedious +traveling there, so I scrabbled up to the upper bank, which was pretty +well covered with buckeye and sycamore, and very little underbrush. One +peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red rascals, +gentlemen, as you ever clapped your eyes on! Yes, there they came, not +above six hundred yards in my rear, shouting and yelling like hounds, +and coming after me like all possessed." + +"Well," said an old woodsman, sitting at the table, "you took a tree, of +course." + +"Did I? No, gentlemen, I took no tree just then, but I took to my heels +like sixty, and it was just as much as my old dog could do to keep up +with me. I run until the whoops of my red-skins grew fainter and fainter +behind me, and, clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me, and +there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing, not three hundred +yards in my rear. He had got on to a piece of bottom where the trees +were small and scarce. 'Now,' thinks I, 'old fellow, I'll have you.' So +I trotted off at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and +when he had got just about near enough I wheeled and fired, and down I +brought him, dead as a door-nail, at a hundred and twenty yards!" + +"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman. + +"Very clear of it, gentlemen; for by the time I got my rifle loaded, +here came the other two red-skins, shouting and whooping close on me, +and away I broke again like a quarter-horse. I was now about five miles +from the settlement, and it was getting toward sunset. I ran till my +wind began to be pretty short, when I took a look back, and there they +came, snorting like mad buffaloes, one about two or three hundred yards +ahead of the other: so I acted possum again until the foremost Injin got +pretty well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was +'drawing a bead' on me: he fell head over stomach into the dirt, and up +came the last one!" + +"So you laid for him, and--" gasped several. + +"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him, I hadn't time to +load, so I laid my _legs_ to ground and started again. I heard every +bound he made after me. I ran and ran until the fire flew out of my +eyes, and the old dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard +long!" + +"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody. + +"Fact, gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't know: rifle empty, no +big trees about, and a murdering red Indian not three hundred yards in +my rear; and what was worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not +a great ways from a big creek (now called Mill Creek), and there I +should be pinned at last. + +"Just at this juncture, I struck my toe against a root, and down I +tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I could scrabble up--" + +"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman. + +"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under the shoulder; +but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon my locomotion, for as soon +as I got up I took off again, quite freshened by my fall! I heard the +red-skin close behind me coming booming on, and every minute I expected +to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders. + +"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs into my boots--" + +"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the old woodsman, in +a great state of excitement. + +"I thought so," said the Senator; "but what do you think it was?" + +Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the blazes it could +be; when Riley observed,-- + +"I suppose you had--" + +"Melted the deer-fat which I had stuck in the breast of my +hunting-shirt, and the grease was running down my leg until my feet got +so greasy that my heavy boots flew off, and one, hitting the dog, nearly +knocked his brains out." + +We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed,-- + +"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think I'm exaggerating?" + +"Oh, certainly not! Go on, Mr. ----," we all chimed in. + +"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and, being relieved of my +heavy boots, I put off with double-quick time, and, seeing the creek +about half a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what +kind of chance there was to hold up and load. The red-skin was coming +jogging along, pretty well blowed out, about five hundred yards in the +rear. Thinks I, 'Here goes to load, anyhow.' So at it I went: in went +the powder, and, putting on my patch, down went the ball about half-way, +and off snapped my ramrod!" + +"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman, who was worked up to +the top-notch in the "member's" story. + +"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the red whelp within two +hundred yards of me, pacing along and _loading up his rifle as he came_! +I jerked out the broken ramrod, dashed it away, and started on, priming +up as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red-skin a blast, +anyhow, as soon as I reached the creek. + +"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could see the smoke from +the settlement chimneys. A few more jumps, and I was by the creek. The +Indian was close upon me: he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle: on he +came, knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not down: another +whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty yards of me. I pulled trigger, +and--" + +"And killed _him_?" chuckled Riley. + +"No, _sir_! I missed fire!" + +"And the red-skin--" shouted the old woodsman, in a frenzy of +excitement. + +"_Fired and killed me!_" + +The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought landlord Noble, +servants and hostlers running up stairs to see if the house was on +fire! + + + + +"AS GOOD AS A PLAY" + +BY HORACE E. SCUDDER + + +There was quite a row of them on the mantel-piece. They were all facing +front, and it looked as if they had come out of the wall behind, and +were on their little stage facing the audience. There was the bronze +monk reading a book by the light of a candle, who had a private opening +under his girdle, so that sometimes his head was thrown violently back, +and one looked down into him and found him full of brimstone matches. +Then the little boy leaning against a greyhound; he was made of Parian, +very fine Parian, too, so that one would expect to find a glass cover +over him: but no, the glass cover stood over a cat and a cat made of +worsted, too: still it was a very old cat, fifty years old in fact. +There was another young person there, young like the boy leaning on a +greyhound, and she, too, was of Parian: she was very fair in front, but +behind--ah, that is a secret which is not quite time yet to tell. One +other stood there, at least she seemed to stand, but nobody could see +her feet, for her dress was so very wide and so finely flounced. She was +the china girl that rose out of a pen-wiper. + +The fire in the grate below was of soft coal, and flashed up and down, +throwing little jets of flame up that made very pretty foot-lights. So +here was a stage, and here were the actors, but where was the audience? +Oh, the Audience was in the arm-chair in front. He had a special seat; +he was a critic, and could get up when he wanted to, when the play +became tiresome, and go out. + +"It is painful to say such things out loud," said the +Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound, with a trembling voice, "but we have +been together so long, and these people round us never will go away. +Dear girl, will you?--you know." It was the Parian girl that he spoke +to, but he did not look at her; he could not, he was leaning against the +greyhound; he only looked at the Audience. + +"I am not quite sure," she coughed. "If, now, you were under a glass +case." + +"I am under a glass case," spoke up the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Marry me. +I am fifty years old. Marry me, and live under a glass case." + +"Shocking!" said she. "How can you? Fifty years old, too! That would +indeed be a match!" + +"Marry!" muttered the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "A match! I am full of +matches, but I don't marry. Folly!" + +"You stand up very straight, neighbor," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. + +"I never bend," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "Life is earnest. I +read a book by candle. I am never idle." + +The Cat-made-of-worsted grinned to himself. + +"You've got a hinge in your back," said he, "they open you in the +middle; your head flies back. How the blood must run down. And then +you're full of brimstone matches. He! he!" and the Cat-made-of-worsted +grinned out loud. The Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound spoke again, and +sighed: + +"I am of Parian, you know, and there is no one else here of Parian +except yourself." + +"And the greyhound," said the Parian girl. + +"Yes, and the greyhound," said he eagerly. "He belongs to me. Come, a +glass case is nothing to it. We could roam; oh, we could roam!" + +"I don't like roaming." + +"Then we could stay at home, and lean against the greyhound." + +"No," said the Parian girl, "I don't like that." + +"Why?" + +"I have private reasons." + +"What?" + +"No matter." + +"I know," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "I saw her behind. She's hollow. +She's stuffed with lamp-lighters. He! he!" and the Cat-made-of-worsted +grinned again. + +"I love you just as much," said the steadfast +Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound, "and I don't believe the Cat." + +"Go away," said the Parian girl, angrily. "You're all hateful. I won't +have you." + +"Ah!" sighed the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound. + +"Ah!" came another sigh--it was from the +China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper--"how I pity you!" + +"Do you?" said he eagerly. "Do you? Then I love you. Will you marry me?" + +"Ah!" said she; "but--" + +"She can't!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "She can't come to you. She +hasn't got any legs. I know it. I'm fifty years old. I never saw them." + +"Never mind the Cat," said the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound. + +"But I do mind the Cat," said she, weeping. "I haven't. It's all +pen-wiper." + +"Do I care?" said he. + +"She has thoughts," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "That lasts +longer than beauty. And she is solid behind." + +"And she has no hinge in her back," grinned the Cat-made-of-worsted. +"Come, neighbors, let us congratulate them. You begin." + +"Keep out of disagreeable company," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. + +"That is not congratulation; that is advice," said the +Cat-made-of-worsted. "Never mind, go on, my dear,"--to the Parian girl. +"What! nothing to say? Then I'll say it for you. 'Friends, may your love +last as long as your courtship.' Now I'll congratulate you." + +But before he could speak, the Audience got up. + +"You shall not say a word. It must end happily." + +He went to the mantel-piece and took up the +China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper. + +"Why, she has legs after all," said he. + +"They're false," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "They're false. I know +it. I'm fifty years old. I never saw true ones on her." + +The Audience paid no attention, but took up the +Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound. + +"Ha!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Come. I like this. He's hollow. +They're all hollow. He! he! Neighbor Monk, you're hollow. He! he!" and +the Cat-made-of-worsted never stopped grinning. The Audience lifted the +glass case from him and set it over the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound +and the China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper. + +"Be happy!" said he. + +"Happy!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Happy!" + +Still they were happy. + + + + +THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE + +BY OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES + + +It is not easy, at the best, for two persons talking together to make +the most of each other's thoughts, there are so many of them. + +[The company looked as if they wanted an explanation.] + +When John and Thomas, for instance, are talking together, it is natural +enough that among the six there should be more or less confusion and +misapprehension. + +[Our landlady turned pale;--no doubt she thought there was a screw loose +in my intellects,--and that involved the probable loss of a boarder. A +severe-looking person, who wears a Spanish cloak and a sad cheek, fluted +by the passions of the melodrama, whom I understand to be the +professional ruffian of the neighboring theater, alluded, with a certain +lifting of the brow, drawing down of the corners of the mouth and +somewhat rasping _voce di petti_, to Falstaff's nine men in buckram. +Everybody looked up. I believe the old gentleman opposite was afraid I +should seize the carving-knife; at any rate, he slid it to one side, as +it were carelessly.] + +I think, I said, I can make it plain to Benjamin Franklin here, that +there are at least six personalities distinctly to be recognized as +taking part in that dialogue between John and Thomas. + + { 1. The real John; known only to his Maker. + { 2. John's ideal John; never the real one, and often + Three Johns { very unlike him. + { 3. Thomas's ideal John; never the real John, nor + { John's John, but often very unlike either. + + { 1. The real Thomas. + Three Thomases { 2. Thomas's ideal Thomas. + { 3. John's ideal Thomas. + +Only one of the three Johns is taxed; only one can be weighed on a +platform-balance; but the other two are just as important in the +conversation. Let us suppose the real John to be old, dull and +ill-looking. But as the Higher Powers have not conferred on men the gift +of seeing themselves in the true light, John very possibly conceives +himself to be youthful, witty, and fascinating, and talks from the point +of view of this ideal. Thomas, again believes him to be an artful rogue, +we will say; therefore he _is_ so far as Thomas's attitude in the +conversation is concerned, an artful rogue, though really simple and +stupid. The same conditions apply to the three Thomases. It follows, +that, until a man can be found who knows himself as his Maker knows him, +or who sees himself as others see him, there must be at least six +persons engaged in every dialogue between two. Of these, the least +important, philosophically speaking, is the one that we have called the +real person. No wonder two disputants often get angry, when there are +six of them talking and listening all at the same time. + +[A very unphilosophical application of the above remarks was made by a +young fellow, answering to the name of John, who sits near me at table. +A certain basket of peaches, a rare vegetable, little known to boarding +houses, was on its way to me _viâ_ this unlettered Johannes. He +appropriated the three that remained in the basket, remarking that there +was just one apiece for him. I convinced him that his practical +inference was hasty and illogical, but in the mean time he had eaten the +peaches.] + + +"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE + +"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,--having been +won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ---- Stamford, during the +stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this +gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions +(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the "Notes and Queries." +This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a +large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for +their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm +weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The +summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but +this fact can not be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar +reason, the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more +northern regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in +winter. + +"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper-tree +and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a +benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for +supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that +delightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D.P.] It is said, however, +that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in England, the +natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, refused to touch +them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of the vessel in +which they were brought over. This information was received from one of +the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and exceedingly fond of +missionaries. He is said also to be very skilful in the _cuisine_ +peculiar to the island. + +"During the season of gathering the pepper, the persons employed are +subject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and +long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of these +attacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven backward +for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known principle of the +ĉolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, these poor +creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or are +precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost +annually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed exclusively on +this stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury +is resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the +_pepper-fever_, as it is called, cudgeled another most severely for +appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only +pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species +of swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well +known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mahometan +Buddhists. + +"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe +and America under the familiar name of _macaroni_. The smaller twigs are +called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be +observed in the soups containing them. Macaroni, being tubular, is the +favorite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered +peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, +therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being +accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be +thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the +macaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of these +insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that +accidents from this source are comparatively rare. + +"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. The +buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with a cocoanut palm, +the cream found on the milk of the cocoanut exuding from the hybrid in +the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so as to fit +it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with cold--" + +--There,--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of +these statements are highly improbable.--No, I shall not mention the +paper.--No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the style +of these popular writers. I think the fellow that wrote it must have +been reading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with his +history and geography. I don't suppose _he_ lies; he sells it to the +editor, who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, who +sells it to the public--by the way, the papers have been very +civil--haven't they?--to the--the--what d'ye call it?--"Northern +Magazine,"--isn't it?--got up by some of these Come-outers, down East, +as an organ for their local peculiarities. + + * * * * * + +It is a very dangerous thing for a literary man to indulge his love for +the ridiculous. People laugh _with_ him just so long as he amuses them; +but if he attempts to be serious, they must still have their laugh, and +so they laugh _at_ him. There is in addition, however, a deeper reason +for this than would at first appear. Do you know that you feel a little +superior to every man who makes you laugh, whether by making faces or +verses? Are you aware that you have a pleasant sense of patronizing him, +when you condescend so far as to let him turn somersets, literal or +literary, for your royal delight? Now if a man can only be allowed to +stand on a dais, or raised platform, and look down on his neighbor who +is exerting his talent for him, oh, it is all right!--first-rate +performance!--and all the rest of the fine phrases. But if all at once +the performer asks the gentleman to come upon the floor, and, stepping +upon the platform, begins to talk down at him,--ah, that wasn't in the +program! + +I have never forgotten what happened when Sydney Smith--who, as +everybody knows, was an exceedingly sensible man, and a gentleman, every +inch of him--ventured to preach a sermon on the Duties of Royalty. The +"Quarterly," "so savage and tartly," came down upon him in the most +contemptuous style, as "a joker of jokes," a "diner-out of the first +water" in one of his own phrases; sneering at him, insulting him, as +nothing but a toady of a court, sneaking behind the anonymous, would +ever have been mean enough to do to a man of his position and genius, or +to any decent person even.--If I were giving advice to a young fellow of +talent, with two or three facets to his mind, I would tell him by all +means to keep his wit in the background until after he had made a +reputation by his more solid qualities. And so to an actor: _Hamlet_ +first and _Bob Logic_ afterward, if you like; but don't think, as they +say poor Liston used to, that people will be ready to allow that you can +do anything great with _Macbeth's_ dagger after flourishing about with +_Paul Pry's_ umbrella. Do you know, too, that the majority of men look +upon all who challenge their attention,--for a while, at least,--as +beggars, and nuisances? They always try to get off as cheaply as they +can; and the cheapest of all things they can give a literary man--pardon +the forlorn pleasantry!--is the _funny_-bone. That is all very well so +far as it goes, but satisfies no man, and makes a good many angry, as I +told you on a former occasion. + +Oh, indeed, no!--I am not ashamed to make you laugh, occasionally. I +think I could read you something I have in my desk that would probably +make you smile. Perhaps I will read it one of these days, if you are +patient with me when I am sentimental and reflective; not just now. The +ludicrous has its place in the universe; it is not a human invention, +but one of the Divine ideas, illustrated in the practical jokes as +kittens and monkeys long before Aristophanes or Shakespeare. How curious +it is that we always consider solemnity and the absence of all gay +surprises and encounter of wits as essential to the idea of the future +life of those whom we thus deprive of half their faculties and then +called _blessed_! There are not a few who, even in this life, seem to be +preparing themselves for that smileless eternity to which they look +forward, by banishing all gaiety from their hearts and all joyousness +from their countenances. I meet one such in the street not unfrequently, +a person of intelligence and education, but who gives me (and all that +he passes) such a rayless and chilling look of recognition,--something +as if he were one of Heaven's assessors, come down to "doom" every +acquaintance he met,--that I have sometimes begun to sneeze on the spot, +and gone home with a violent cold, dating from that instant. I don't +doubt he would cut his kitten's tail off, if he caught her playing with +it. Please tell me, who taught her to play with it? + + + + +CĈSAR'S QUIET LUNCH WITH CICERO + +BY JAMES T. FIELDS + + + Have you read how Julius Cĉsar + Made a call on Cicero + In his modest Formian villa, + Many and many a year ago? + + "I shall pass your way," wrote Cĉsar, + "On the Saturnalia, Third, + And I'll just drop in, my Tullius, + For a quiet friendly word: + + "Don't make a stranger of me, Marc, + Nor be at all put out, + A snack of anything you have + Will serve my need, no doubt. + + "I wish to show my confidence-- + The invitation's mine-- + I come to share your simple food, + And taste your honest wine." + + Up rose M. Tullius Cicero, + And seized a Roman punch,-- + Then mused upon the god-like soul + Was coming round to lunch. + + "By Hercules!" he murmured low + Unto his lordly self, + "There are not many dainties left + Upon my pantry shelf! + + "But what I have shall Julius share. + What, ho!" he proudly cried, + "Great Cĉsar comes this way anon + To sit my chair beside. + + "A dish of lampreys quickly stew, + And cook them with a turn, + For that's his favorite pabulum + From Mamurra I learn." + + * * * * * + + His slaves obey their lord's command; + The table soon is laid + For two distinguished gentlemen,-- + One rather bald, 'tis said. + + When lo! a messenger appears + To sound approach--and then, + "Brave Cĉsar comes to greet his friend + With _twice a thousand men_! + + "His cohorts rend the air with shouts; + That is their dust you see; + The trumpeters announce him near!" + Said Marcus, "Woe is me! + + "Fly, Cassius, fly! assign a guard! + Borrow what tents you can! + Encamp his soldiers round the field, + Or I'm a ruined man! + + "Get sheep and oxen by the score! + Buy corn at any price! + O Jupiter! befriend me now, + And give me your advice!" + + * * * * * + + It turned out better than he feared,-- + Things proved enough and good,-- + And Cĉsar made himself at home, + And much enjoyed his food. + + But Marcus had an awful fright,-- + _That_ can not be denied; + "I'm glad 'tis over!"--when it was-- + The host sat down and sighed, + + And when he wrote to Atticus, + And all the story told, + He ended his epistle thus: + "J.C.'s a warrior bold, + + "A vastly entertaining man, + In Learning quite immense, + So full of literary skill, + And most uncommon sense, + + "But, frankly, I should never say + 'No trouble, sir, at all; + And when you pass this way again, + _Give us another call!_'" + + + + +COMIN' HOME THANKSGIVIN' + +BY JAMES BALL NAYLOR + + + I've clean fergot my rheumatiz-- + Hain't nary limp n'r hobble; + I'm feelin' like a turkey-cock-- + An' ready 'most to gobble; + I'm workin' spry, an' steppin' high-- + An' thinkin' life worth livin'. + Fer all the children's comin' home + All comin' home Thanksgivin'. + + There's Mary up at Darby Town, + An' Sally down at Goshen, + An' Billy out at Kirkersville, + An' Jim--who has a notion + That Hackleyburg's the very place + Fer which his soul has striven; + They're all a-comin' home ag'in-- + All comin' home Thanksgivin'. + + Yes--yes! They're all a-comin' back; + There ain't no ifs n'r maybes. + The boys'll fetch the'r wives an' kids; + The gals, th'r men an' babies. + The ol' place will be upside-down; + An' me an' Mammy driven + To roost out in the locus' trees-- + When they come home Thanksgivin'. + + Fer Mary she has three 'r four + Mis_chee_vous little tykes, sir, + An' Sally has a houseful more-- + You never seen the like, sir; + While Jim has six, an' Billy eight-- + They'll tear the house to flinders, + An' dig the cellar out in chunks + An' pitch it through the winders. + + The gals 'll tag me to the barn; + An' climb the mows, an' waller + All over ev'ry ton o' hay-- + An' laugh an' scream an' holler. + The boys 'll git in this an' that; + An' git a lickin'--p'r'aps, sir-- + Jest like the'r daddies used to git + When _they_ was little chaps, sir. + + But--lawzee-me!--w'y, I won't care. + I'm jest so glad they're comin', + I have to whistle to the tune + That my ol' heart's a-hummin'. + An' me an' Mammy--well, we think + It's good to be a-livin', + Sence all the children's comin' home + To spend the day Thanksgivin'. + + + + +PRAISE-GOD BAREBONES + +BY ELLEN MACKAY HUTCHINSON CORTISSOZ + + + I and my cousin Wildair met + And tossed a pot together-- + Burnt sack it was that Molly brewed, + For it was nipping weather. + 'Fore George! To see Dick buss the wench + Set all the inn folk laughing! + They dubbed him pearl of cavaliers + At kissing and at quaffing. + + "Oddsfish!" says Dick, "the sack is rare, + And rarely burnt, fair Molly; + 'Twould cure the sourest Crop-ear yet + Of Pious Melancholy." + "Egad!" says I, "here cometh one + Hath been at 's prayers but lately." + --Sooth, Master Praise-God Barebones stepped + Along the street sedately. + + Dick Wildair, with a swashing bow, + And touch of his Toledo, + Gave Merry Xmas to the rogue + And bade him say his Credo; + Next crush a cup to the King's health, + And eke to pretty Molly; + "'T will cure your saintliness," says Dick, + "Of Pious Melancholy." + + Then Master Barebones stopped and frowned; + My heart stood still a minute; + Thinks I, both Dick and I will hang, + Or else the devil's in it! + For me, I care not for old Noll, + Nor all the Rump together. + Yet, faith! 't is best to be alive + In pleasant Xmas weather. + + His worship, Barebones, grimly smiled; + "I love not blows nor brawling; + Yet will I give thee, fool, a pledge!" + And, zooks! he sent Dick sprawling! + When Moll and I helped Wildair up, + No longer trim and jolly-- + "Feelst not, Sir Dick," says saucy Moll, + "A Pious Melancholy?" + + + + +THE LOAFER AND THE SQUIRE + +BY PORTE CRAYON + + +The squire himself was the type of a class found only among the rural +population of our Southern States--a class, the individuals of which are +connected by a general similarity of position and circumstance, but +present a field to the student of man infinite in variety, rich in +originality. + +As the isolated oak that spreads his umbrageous top in the meadow +surpasses his spindling congener of the forest, so does the country +gentleman, alone in the midst of his broad estate, outgrow the man of +crowds and conventionalities in our cities. The oak may have the +advantage in the comparison, as his locality and consequent superiority +are permanent. The Squire, out of his own district, we ignore. Whether +intrinsically, or simply in default of comparison, at home he is +invariably a great man. Such, at least, was Squire Hardy. Sour and +cynical in speech, yet overflowing with human kindness; contemning +luxury and expense in dress and equipage, but princely in his +hospitality; praising the olden time to the disparagement of the +present; the mortal foe of progressionists and fast people in every +department; above all, a philosopher of his own school, he judged by the +law of Procrustes, and permitted no appeals; opinionated and arbitrary +as the Czar, he was sauced by his negroes, respected and loved by his +neighbors, led by the nose by his wife and daughters, and the abject +slave of his grandchildren. + +His house was as big as a barn, and, as his sons and daughters married, +they brought their mates home to the old mansion. "It will be time +enough for them to hive," quoth the Squire, "when the old box is full." + +Notwithstanding his contempt for fast men nowadays, he is rather pleased +with any allusion to his own youthful reputation in that line, and not +unfrequently tells a good story on himself. We can not omit one told by +a neighbor, as being characteristic of the times and manners forty years +ago: + +At Culpepper Court-house, or some court-house thereabout, Dick Hardy, +then a good-humored, gay young bachelor, and the prime favorite of both +sexes, was called upon to carve the pig at the court dinner. The +district judge was at the table, the lawyers, justices, and everybody +else that felt disposed to dine. At Dick's right elbow sat a militia +colonel, who was tricked out in all the pomp and circumstance admitted +by his rank. He had probably been engaged on some court-martial, +imposing fifty-cent fines on absentees from the last general muster. +Howbeit Dick, in thrusting his fork into the back of the pig, +bespattered the officer's regimentals with some of the superfluous +gravy. "Beg your pardon," said Dick, as he went on with his carving. Now +these were times when the war spirit was high, and chivalry at a +premium. "Beg your pardon" might serve as a napkin to wipe the stain +from one's honor, but did not touch the question of the greased and +spotted regimentals. + +The colonel, swelling with wrath, seized a spoon, and deliberately +dipping it into the gravy, dashed it over Dick's prominent shirt-frill. + +All saw the act, and with open eyes and mouth sat in astonished +silence, waiting to see what would be done next. The outraged citizen +calmly laid down his knife and fork, and looked at his frill, the +officer, and the pig, one after another. The colonel, unmindful of the +pallid countenance and significant glances of the burning eye, leaned +back in his chair, with arms akimbo, regarding the young farmer with +cool disdain. A murmur of surprise and indignation arose from the +congregated guests. Dick's face turned red as a turkey-gobbler's. He +deliberately took the pig by the hind legs, and with a sudden whirl +brought it down upon the head of the unlucky officer. Stunned by the +squashing blow, astounded and blinded with streams of gravy and wads of +stuffing, he attempted to rise, but blow after blow from the fat pig +fell upon his bewildered head. He seized a carving-knife and attempted +to defend himself with blind but ineffectual fury, and at length, with a +desperate effort, rose and took to his heels. Dick Hardy, whose wrath +waxed hotter and hotter, followed, belaboring him unmercifully at every +step, around the table, through the hall, and into the street, the crowd +shouting and applauding. + +We are sorry to learn that among this crowd were lawyers, sheriffs, +magistrates, and constables; and that even his honor the judge, +forgetting his dignity and position, shouted in a loud voice, "Give it +to him, Dick Hardy! There's no law in Christendom against basting a man +with a roast pig!" Dick's weapon failed before his anger; and when at +length the battered colonel escaped into the door of a friendly +dwelling, the victor had nothing in his hands but the hind legs of the +roaster. He re-entered the dining-room flourishing these over his head, +and venting his still unappeased wrath in great oaths. + +The company reassembled, and finished their dinner as best they might. +In reply to a toast, Hardy made a speech, wherein he apologized for +sacrificing the principal dinner-dish, and, as he expressed it, for +putting public property to private uses. In reply to this speech a treat +was ordered. In those good old days folks were not so virtuous but that +a man might have cakes and ale without being damned for it, and it is +presumable the day wound up with a spree. + +After the squire got older, and a family grew up around him, he was not +always victorious in his contests. For example, a question lately arose +about the refurnishing of the house. On their return from a visit to +Richmond the ladies took it into their heads that the parlors looked +bare and old-fashioned, and it was decided by them in secret conclave +that a change was necessary. + +"What!" said he, in a towering passion, "isn't it enough that you spend +your time and money in vinegar to sour sweet peaches, and your sugar to +sweeten crab-apples, that you must turn the house you were born in +topsy-turvy? God help us! we've a house with windows to let the light +in, and you want curtains to keep it out; we've plastered the walls to +make them white, and now you want to paste blue paper over them; we've +waxed floors to walk on, and we must pay two dollars a yard for a carpet +to save the oak plank! Begone with your nonsense, ye demented jades!" + +The squire smote the oak floor with his heavy cane, and the rosy +petitioners fled from his presence laughing. In due time, however, the +parlors were furnished with carpets, curtains, paper, and all the +fixtures of modern luxury. The ladies were, of course, greatly +delighted; and while professing great aversion and contempt for the +"tawdry lumber," it was plain to see that the worthy man enjoyed their +pleasure as much as they did the new furniture. + +On another occasion, too, did the doughty squire suffer defeat under +circumstances far more humiliating, and from an adversary far less +worthy. + +The western horizon was blushing rosy red at the coming of the sun, +whose descending chariot was hidden by the thick Indian-summer haze that +covered lowland and mountain as it were with a violet-tinted veil. This +was the condition of things (we were going to say) when Squire Hardy +sallied forth, charged with a small bag of salt, for the purpose of +looking after his farm generally, and particularly of salting his sheep. +It was an interesting sight to see the old gentleman, with his +dignified, portly figure, marching at the head of a long procession of +improved breeds--the universally-received emblems of innocence and +patience. Barring his modern costume, he might have suggested to the +artist's mind a picture of one of the Patriarchs. + +Having come to a convenient place, or having tired himself crying +_co-nan_, _co-nan_, at the top of his voice, the squire halted. The +black ram halted, and the long procession of ewes and well-grown lambs +moved up in a dense semicircle, and also halted, expressing their +pleasure at the expected treat by gentle bleatings. The squire stooped +to spread the salt. The black ram, either from most uncivil impatience, +or mistaking the movement of the proprietor's coat-tail for a challenge, +pitched into him incontinently. "_Plenum sed_," as the Oxonions say. An +attack from behind, so sudden and unexpected, threw the squire sprawling +on his face into a stone pile. + + Oh, never was the thunder's jar, + The red tornado's wasting wing, + Or all the elemental war, + +like the fury of Squire Hardy on that occasion. + +He recovered his feet with the agility of a boy, his nose bleeding and a +stone in each hand. The timid flock looked all aghast, while the +audacious offender, so far from having shown any disposition to skulk, +stood shaking his head and threatening, as if he had a mind to follow up +the dastardly attack. The squire let fly one stone, which grazed the +villain's head and killed a lamb. With the other he crippled a favorite +ewe. The ram still showed fight, and the vengeful proprietor would +probably have soon decimated his flock had not Porte Crayon (who had +been squirrel-shooting) made his appearance in time to save them. + +"Quick, quick! young man--your gun; let me shoot the cursed brute on the +spot." + +The squire was frantic with rage, the cause of which our hero, having +seen something of the affray, easily divined. He was unwilling, however, +to trust his hair-triggered piece in the hands of his excited host. + +"By your leave, Squire, and by your orders, I'll do the shooting myself. +Which of them was it?" + +"The ram--the d----d black ram--kill him--shoot--don't let him live a +minute!" + +Crayon leveled his piece and fired. The offender made a bound and fell +dead, the black blood spouting from his forehead in a stream as thick as +your thumb. + +"There, now," exclaimed the squire, with infinite satisfaction, "you've +got it, you ungrateful brute! You've found something harder than your +own head at last, you cursed reptile! Friend Crayon, that's a capital +gun of yours, and you shot well." + +The squire dropped the stones which he had in his hands, and looking +back at the dead body of the belligerent sheep, observed, with a +thoughtful air, "He was a fine animal, Mr. Crayon--a fine animal, and +this will teach him a good lesson." + +"In all likelihood," replied Crayon, dryly, "it will break him of this +trick of butting." + +Not long after this occurrence, Squire Hardy went to hear an itinerant +phrenologist who lectured in the village. In the progress of his +discourse, the lecturer, for purposes of illustration, introduced the +skulls of several animals, mapped off in the most correct and scientific +manner. + +"Observe, ladies and gentlemen, the head of the wolf: combativeness +enormously developed, alimentiveness large, while conscientiousness is +entirely wanting. On the other hand, look at this cranium. Here +combativeness is a nullity--absolutely wanting--while the fullness of +the sentimental organs indicate at once the mild and peaceful +disposition of the sheep." + +The squire, who had listened with great attention up to this point, +hastily rose to his feet. + +"A sheep!" he exclaimed; "did you call a sheep a peaceful animal? I tell +you, sir, it is the most ferocious and unruly beast in existence. Sir, I +had a ram once--" + +"My dear sir," cried the astonished lecturer, "on the authority of our +most distinguished writers, the sheep is an emblem of peace and +innocence." + +"An emblem of the devil," interrupted the squire, boiling over. "You are +an ignorant impostor, and your science a humbug. I had a ram once that +would have taught you more in five seconds than you've learned from +books in all your lifetime." + +And so Squire Hardy put on his hat and walked out, leaving the lecturer +to rectify his blunder as best he might. + + + + +DE STOVE PIPE HOLE[7] + +BY WILLIAM HENRY DRUMMOND + + + Dat's very cole an' stormy night on Village St. Mathieu, + W'en ev'ry wan he's go couché, an' dog was quiet, too-- + Young Dominique is start heem out see Emmeline Gourdon, + Was leevin' on her fader's place, Maxime de Forgeron. + + Poor Dominique he's lak dat girl, an' love her mos' de tam, + An' she was mak' de promise--sure--some day she be his famme, + But she have worse ole fader dat's never on de worl', + Was swear onless he's riche lak diable, no feller's get hees girl. + + He's mak' it plaintee fuss about hees daughter Emmeline, + Dat's mebby nice girl, too, but den, Mon Dieu, she's not de queen! + An' w'en de young man's come aroun' for spark it on de door, + An' hear de ole man swear "Bapteme!" he's never come no more. + + Young Dominique he's sam' de res',--was scare for ole Maxime, + He don't lak risk hese'f too moche for chances seein' heem, + Dat's only stormy night he come, so dark you can not see, + An dat's de reason w'y also, he's climb de gallerie. + + De girl she's waitin' dere for heem--don't care about de rain, + So glad for see young Dominique he's comin' back again, + Dey bote forget de ole Maxime, an' mak de embrasser + An affer dey was finish dat, poor Dominique is say-- + + "Good-by, dear Emmeline, good-by; I'm goin' very soon, + For you I got no better chance, dan feller on de moon-- + It's all de fault your fader, too, dat I be go away, + He's got no use for me at all--I see dat ev'ry day. + + "He's never meet me on de road but he is say 'Sapré!' + An' if he ketch me on de house I'm scare he's killin' me, + So I mus' lef' ole St. Mathieu, for work on 'noder place, + An' till I mak de beeg for-tune, you never see ma face." + + Den Emmeline say "Dominique, ma love you'll alway be + An' if you kiss me two, t'ree tam I'll not tole noboddy-- + But prenez garde ma fader, please, I know he's gettin' ole-- + All sam' he offen walk de house upon de stockin' sole. + + "Good-by, good-by, cher Dominique! I know you will be true, + I don't want no riche feller me, ma heart she go wit' you," + Dat's very quick he's kiss her den, before de fader come, + But don't get too moche pleasurement--so 'fraid de ole Bonhomme. + + Wall! jus' about dey're half way t'roo wit all dat love beez-nesse + Emmeline say, "Dominique, w'at for you're scare lak all de res'? + Don't see mese'f moche danger now de ole man come aroun'," + W'en minute affer dat, dere's noise, lak' house she's fallin' down. + + Den Emmeline she holler "Fire! will no wan come for me?" + An' Dominique is jomp so high, near bus' de gallerie,-- + "Help! help! right off," somebody shout, "I'm killin' on ma place, + It's all de fault ma daughter, too, dat girl she's ma disgrace." + + He's kip it up long tam lak dat, but not hard tellin' now, + W'at's all de noise upon de house--who's kick heem up de row? + It seem Bonhomme was sneak aroun' upon de stockin' sole, + An' firs' t'ing den de ole man walk right t'roo de stove pipe hole. + + W'en Dominique is see heem dere, wit' wan leg hang below, + An' 'noder leg straight out above, he's glad for ketch heem so-- + De ole man can't do not'ing, den, but swear and ax for w'y + Noboddy tak' heem out dat hole before he's comin' die. + + Den Dominique he spik lak dis, "Mon cher M'sieur Gourdon + I'm not riche city feller, me, I'm only habitant, + But I was love more I can tole your daughter Emmeline, + An' if I marry on dat girl, Bagosh! she's lak de Queen. + + "I want you mak de promise now, before it's come too late, + An' I mus' tole you dis also, dere's not moche tam for wait. + Your foot she's hangin' down so low, I'm 'fraid she ketch de cole, + Wall! if you give me Emmeline, I pull you out de hole." + + Dat mak' de ole man swear more hard he never swear before, + An' wit' de foot he's got above, he's kick it on de floor, + "Non, non," he say "Sapré tonnerre! she never marry you, + An' if you don't look out you get de jail on St. Mathieu." + + "Correc'," young Dominique is say, "mebbe de jail's tight place, + But you got wan small corner, too, I see it on de face, + So if you don't lak geev de girl on wan poor habitant, + Dat's be mese'f, I say, Bonsoir, mon cher M'sieur Gourdon." + + "Come back, come back," Maxime is shout--"I promise you de girl, + I never see no wan lak you--no never on de worl'! + It's not de nice trick you was play on man dat's gettin' ole, + But do jus' w'at you lak, so long you pull me out de hole." + + "Hooraw! Hooraw!" Den Dominique is pull heem out tout suite + An' Emmeline she's helpin' too for place heem on de feet, + An' affer dat de ole man's tak' de young peep down de stair, + W'ere he is go couché right off, an' dey go on parloir. + + Nex' Sunday morning dey was call by M'sieur le Curé + Get marry soon, an' ole Maxime geev Emmeline away; + Den affer dat dey settle down lak habitant is do, + An' have de mos' fine familee on Village St. Mathieu. + +[Footnote 7: From "The Habitant and Other French Canadian Poems," by +William Henry Drummond. Copyright 1897 by G.P. Putnam's Sons.] + + + + +THE GIRL FROM MERCURY + +AN INTERPLANETARY LOVE STORY + +_Being the Interpretation of Certain Phonic Vibragraphs Recorded by the +Long's Peak Wireless Installation, Now for the First Time Made Public +Through the Courtesy of Professor Caducious, Ph.D., Sometime Secretary +of the Boulder Branch of the Association for the Advancement of +Interplanetary Communication._ + +BY HERMAN KNICKERBOCKER VIELÉ + + +It is evident that the following logograms form part of a correspondence +between a young lady, formerly of Mercury, and her confidential friend +still resident upon the inferior planet. The translator has thought it +best to preserve, as far as possible, the spirit of the original by the +employment of mundane colloquialisms; the result, in spite of many +regrettable trivialities, will, it is believed, be of interest to +students of Cosmic Sociology. + + +THE FIRST RECORD + +Yes, dear, it's me. I'm down here on the Earth and in our Settlement +House, safe and sound. I meant to have called you up before, but really +this is the first moment I have had to myself all day.--Yes, of course, +I said "all day." You know very well they have days and nights here, +because this restless little planet spins, or something of the sort.--I +haven't the least idea why it does so, and I don't care.--I did not +come here to make intelligent observations like a dowdy "Seeing Saturn" +tourist. So don't be Uranian. Try to exercise intuitive perception if I +say anything you can't understand.--What is that?--Please concentrate a +little harder.--Oh! Yes, I have seen a lot of human beings already, and +would you believe it? some of them seem almost possible--especially +_one_.--But I will come to that one later. I've got so much to tell you +all at once I scarcely know where to begin.--Yes, dear, the One happens +to be a man. You would not have me discriminate, would you, when our +object is to bring whatever happiness we can to those less fortunate +than ourselves? You know success in slumming depends first of all upon +getting yourself admired, for then the others will want to be like you, +and once thoroughly dissatisfied with themselves they are almost certain +to reform. Of course I am only a visitor here, and shall not stay long +enough to take up serious work, so Ooma says I may as well proceed along +the line of least resistance.--If you remember Ooma's enthusiasm when +she ran the Board of Missions to Inferior Planets, you can fancy her now +that she has an opportunity to carry out all her theories. Oh, she's +great! + +My transmigration was disappointing as an experience. It was nothing +more than going to sleep and dreaming about circles--orange circles, +yellow circles, with a thousand others of graduated shades between, and +so on through the spectrum till you pass absolute green and get a tone +or two toward blue and strike the Earth color-note. Then with me +everything got jumbled together and seemed about to take new shapes, and +I woke up in the most commonplace manner and opened my eyes to find +myself externalized in our Earth Settlement House with Ooma laughing at +me. + +"Don't stir!" she cried. "Don't lift a finger till we are sure your +specific gravity is all right." And then she pinched me to see if I was +dense enough, because the atmosphere is heavier or lighter or something +here than with us. + +I reminded her that matter everywhere must maintain an absolute +equilibrium with its environment, but she protested. + +"That's well enough in theory; you must understand that the Earth is +awfully out of tune at present, and sometimes it requires time to +readjust ourselves to its conditions." + +--I did not say so, but I fancy Ooma may have been undergoing +readjustment.--My dear, she has grown as pudgy as a Jupitan, and her +clothes--but then she always did look more like a spiral nebula than +anything else. + +(_The record here becomes unintelligible by reason of the passage of a +thunderstorm above the summit of Long's Peak._) + +--There must be star-dust in the ether.--I never had to concentrate so +hard before.--That's all about the Settlement House, and don't accuse me +again of slighting details. I'm sure you know the place now as well as +Ooma herself, so I can go on to tell what little I have learned about +human beings. + +It seems I am never to admit that I was not born on Earth, for, like all +provincials, the humans pride themselves on disbelieving everything +beyond their own experience, and if they understood they would be +certain to resent intrusions from another planet. I'm sure I don't blame +them altogether when I recall those patronizing Jupitans.--And I'm told +they are awfully jealous and distrustful even of one another, herding +together for protection and governed by so many funny little tribal +codes that what is right on one side of an imaginary boundary may be +wrong on the other.--Ooma considers this survival of the group-soul most +interesting, and intends to make it the subject of a paper. I mention it +only to explain why we call our Settlement a Boarding-House. A +Boarding-House, you must know, is fundamentally a hunting pack +which one can affiliate with or separate from at will.--Rather a +pale yellow idea, isn't it? Ooma thinks it necessary to conform +to it in order to be considered respectable, which is the one thing +on Earth most desired.--What, dear?--Oh, I don't know what it means +to be respectable any more than you do.--One thing more. You'll have +to draw on your imagination! Ooma is called here Mrs. Bloomer.--Her own +name was just a little too unearthly. Mrs. signifies that a woman is +married.--What?--Oh, no, no, no, nothing of the sort.--But I shall have +to leave that for another time. I'm not at all sure how it is myself. + +By the way, if _any one_ should ask you where I am, just say I've left +the planet, and you don't know when I shall be back.--Yes, you know who +I mean.--And, dear, perhaps you might drop a hint that I detest all +foreigners, especially Jupitans.--Please don't laugh so hard; you'll get +the atmospheric molecules all woozy.--Indeed, there's not the slightest +danger here. Just fancy, if you please, beings who don't know when they +are hungry without consulting a wretched little mechanism, and who +measure their radius of conception by the length of their own feet.--Of +course I shall be on hand for the Solstice! I wouldn't miss that for an +asteroid!--Oh, did I really promise that? Well, I'll tell you about hi-m +another time. + + +THE SECOND RECORD + +THOUGH PROBABLY THIRD COMMUNICATION + +--I really must not waste so much gray matter, dear, over unimportant +details. But I simply had to tell you all about my struggles with the +clothes. When Ooma came back, just as I had mastered them with the aid +of her diagrams, the dear thing was so much pleased she actually hugged +me, and I must confess the effect made me forget my discomfort. Really, +an Earth girl is not so much to be pitied if she has becoming dresses to +wear. As you may be sure I was anxious to compare myself with others, I +was glad enough to hear Ooma suggest going out. + +"Come on," she said, executively, "I have only a half-hour to devote to +your first walk. Keep close beside me, and remember on no account to +either dance or sing." + +"But if I see others dancing may I not join them?" I inquired. + +"You won't see anybody dancing on Broadway," she replied, a trifle +snubbily, but I resolved to escape from her as soon as possible and find +out for myself. + +I shall never forget my shock on discovering the sky blue instead of the +color it should be, but soon my eyes became accustomed to the change. In +fact, I have not since that first moment been able to conceive of the +sky as anything but blue. And the city?--Oh, my dear, my dear, I never +expected to encounter anything so much out of key with the essential +euphonies. Of course I have not traveled very much, but I should say +there is nothing in the universe like a street they call +Broadway--unless it be upon the lesser satellite of Mars, where the poor +people are so awfully cramped for space. When I suggested this to Ooma +she laughed and called me clever, for it seems there is a tradition +that a mob of meddling Martians once stopped on Earth long enough to +give the foolish humans false ideas about architecture and many other +matters. But I soon forgot everything in my interest in the people. Such +a poor puzzle-headed lot they are. One's heart goes out to them at once +as they push and jostle one another this way and that, with no +conceivable object other than to get anywhere but where they are in the +shortest time possible. One longs to help them; to call a halt upon +their senseless struggles; to reason with them and explain how all the +psychic force they waste might, if exerted in constructive thought, +bring everything they wish to pass. Mrs. Bloomer assures me they only +ridicule those who venture to interfere, and it will take at least a +Saturn century to so much as start them in the right direction. Our +settlement is their only hope, she says, and even we can help them only +indirectly. + +Not long ago, it appears, they had to choose a King or Mayor, or +whatever the creature is called who executes their silly laws, and our +people so manipulated the election that the choice fell on one of us. + +I thought this a really good idea, and supposed, of course, we must at +once have set about demonstrating how a planet should be managed. But +no! that was not our system, if you please. Instead of making proper +laws our agent misbehaved himself in every way the committee could +suggest, until at last the humans rose against him and put one of +themselves in his place, and after that things went just a little better +than before. This is the only way in which they can be taught. But, dear +me, isn't it tedious? + +Of course, I soon grew anxious for an exchange of thought with almost +any one, but it was a long while before I discovered a single person who +was not in a violent hurry. At last, however, we came upon a human +drawn apart a little from the throng, who stood with folded arms, +engaged apparently in lofty meditation. His countenance was amiable, +although a little red. + +Saying nothing to Ooma of my purpose, I slipped away from her, and +looking up into the creature's eyes inquired mentally the subject of his +thoughts; also, how he came to be so inordinately stout, and why he wore +bright metal buttons on his garment. But my only answer was a stupid +blink, for his mentality seemed absolutely incapable of receiving +suggestions not expressed in sounds. I observed farther that his aura +inclined too much toward violet for perfect equipoise. + +"G'wan out of this, and quit yer foolin'," he remarked, missing my +meaning altogether. + +Of course I spoke then, using the human speech quite glibly for a first +attempt, and hastened to assure him that though I had no idea of +fooling, I should not go on until my curiosity had been satisfied. But +just then Ooma found me. + +"My friend is a stranger," she explained to the brass-buttoned man. + +"Then why don't you put a string to her?" he asked. + +I learned later that I had been addressing one of the public jesters +employed by the community to keep Broadway from becoming intolerably +dull. + +"But you must not speak to people in the street," said Ooma, "not even +to policemen." + +"Then how am I to brighten others' lives?" I asked, more than a little +disappointed, for several humans hurrying past had turned upon me looks +indicating moods receptive of all the brightening I could give. + +I might have amused myself indefinitely, studying the rapid succession +of varying faces, had not Bloomer cautioned me not to stare. She said +people would think me from the country, which is considered +discreditable, and as this reminded me that I had as yet seen nothing +growing, I asked to be shown the gardens and groves. + +"There is one," she said, indicating an open space not far away, where +sure enough there stood some wretched looking trees which I had not +recognized before, forgetting that, of course, leaves here must be +green. I saw no flowers growing, but presently we came upon some in a +sort of crystal bower guarded by a powerful black person. I wanted so to +ask him how he came to be black, but the memory of my last attempt at +information deterred me. Instead, I inquired if I might have some roses. + +"Walk in, Miss," he replied most civilly, and in I walked through the +door, past the sweetest little embryonic, who wore the vesture of a +young policeman. + +"Boy," I said, "have you begun to realize your soul?" + +"Nope," he replied. "I ain't in fractions yet." + +--Some stage of earthly progress, I suppose, though I did not like a +certain movement of his eyelid, and one never can tell, you know, how +hard embryonics are really striving. So I made haste to gather all the +roses I could carry, and was about to hurry after Ooma, when a person +barred my way. + +"Hold on!" he cried. "Ain't you forgetting something? Why don't you take +the whole lot?" + +"Because I have all I want for the present," I answered, rather +frightened, perceiving that his aura had grown livid, and I don't know +how I could have soothed him had not Ooma once more come to my relief. I +could see that she was annoyed with me, but she controlled herself and +placed some token in the being's hand which acted on his agitation like +a charm. + +As I told you, Bloomer had given me with the other things, a crown of +artificial roses which, now that I had real flowers to wear, I wanted to +throw away, but this she would not permit, insisting that such a +proceeding would make the humans laugh at me--though to look into their +serious faces one would not believe this possible. The thoughts of those +about me, as I divined them, seemed anything but jocular. They came to +me incoherent and inconsecutive, a jumble of conditional premises +leading to approximate conclusions expressed in symbols having no +intrinsic meaning.--Of course, it is unfair to judge too soon, but I +have already begun to doubt the existence of direct perception among +them.--What did you say, dear?--Bother direct perception?--Well, I +wonder how _we_ should like to apprehend nothing that could not be put +into words? You, I'm sure, would have the most confused ideas about +Earthly conditions if you depended entirely upon my remarks.--Now +concentrate, and you shall hear something really interesting. + +--No, not the One yet.--He comes later.-- + +We had not gone far, I carrying my roses, and Bloomer not too well +pleased, as I fancied, because so many people turned to look at us +(Bloomer has retrograded physically until she is at times almost +Uranian, probably as the result of wearing black, which appears to be +the chromatic equivalent of respectability), when suddenly I became +sensible of a familiar influence, which was quite startling because so +unexpected. Looking everywhere, I caught sight of--who do you suppose? +Our old friend Tuk.--Mr. Tuck, T-u-c-k here, if you please. He was about +to enter a--a means of transportation, and though his back was towards +me, I recognized that drab aura of his at once, and projected a +reactionary impulse which was most effective. + +In his surprise he was for the moment in danger of being trampled upon +by a rapidly moving animal.--Yes, dear, I said "animal."--I don't know +and I don't consider it at all important. I do not pretend to be +familiar with mundane zoölogy.--Tuck declared himself delighted to see +me, and so I believe he was, though he controlled his radiations in the +supercilious way he always had. But upon one point he did not leave me +long in doubt. Externally, at least, my Earthly Ego is a-- + +(NOTE: _The word which signifies a species of peach or nectarine +peculiar to the planet Mercury is doubtless used here in a symbolic +sense._) + +--I caught on to that most interesting fact the moment his eyes rested +on me. + +"By all that's fair to look upon!" he cried, jumping about in a manner +human people think eccentric, "are you astral or actualized?" + +"See for yourself," I said, holding out my hand, which it took him +rather longer than necessary to make sure of. + +"Well, what on Earth brings you here? Come down to paint another planet +red?" he rattled on, believing himself amusing. + +"Now haven't I as much right to light on Earth as on any other bit of +cosmic dust?" I asked, laughing and forgetting how much snubbing he +requires in the delight of seeing any one I knew. + +Then he insisted that I had a "date" with him.--A date, as I discovered +later, means something nice to eat--and hinted very broadly that Bloomer +need not wait if she had more important matters to attend to. I must +confess she did not seem at all sorry to have me taken off her hands, +for after cautioning me to beware of a number of things I did not so +much as know by name, she shot off like a respectable old aerolite with +a black trail streaming out behind. If she remains here much longer she +will be coming back upon a mission to reform _us_. As for Tuck, he +became insufferably patronizing at once. + +"Well, how do you like the Only Planet? and how do you like the Only +Town? and how do you like the Only Street?" he began, waving his hands +and looking about him as though there were anything here that one of +_us_ could admire. But, of course, I refused to gratify him with my +crude impressions. I simply said: + +"You appear very well pleased with them yourself." + +"And so will you be," he replied, "when you have realized their +possibilities. Remark that elderly entity across the street. I have to +but exert my will that he shall sneeze and drop his eyeglasses, and +behold, there they go."--Yes, my dear, eyeglasses. They are worn on the +nose by people who imagine they can not see very well. + +"I consider such actions cruel and unkind," I said, at the same time +willing an embryonic girl to pick the glasses up, and though the child +was rather beyond my normal circle, I was delighted to see her obey. But +I have an idea Tuck regretted an experiment which taught me something I +might not have found out, at least for a while. + +I had now been on Earth several hours, and change of atmosphere gives +one a ravenous appetite. You see, I had forgotten to ask Ooma how, and +how often, humans ate, so when Tuck suggested breakfast as a form of +entertainment I put myself in sympathy with the idea at once. Besides it +is most important to know just where to find the things you want, and +you may be sure I made a lot of mental notes when we came, as presently +we did, to a tower called Astoria. + +I understand that the upper portions of the edifice are used for study +of the Stars, but we were made welcome on the lower story by a stately +being, who conducted us to honorable seats in an inner court. There were +small trees growing here, green, of course, but rather pretty for all +that; the people, gathered under their shade in little groups, were much +more cheerful and sustaining than any I had seen so far, and an +elemental intelligence detailed to minister to our wants seemed +well-trained and docile. + +"Here you have a glimpse of High Life," announced Tuck, when he had +written something on a paper. + +"The Higher Life?" I inquired, eagerly, and I did not like the flippant +tone in which he answered: + +"No, not quite--just high enough." + +I was beginning to be so bored by his conceit and self-complacency that +I cast my eyes about and smiled at several pleasant-looking persons, who +returned the smile and nodded in a friendly fashion, till I could +perceive Tuck's aura bristle and turn greenish-brown. + +"You can't possibly see any one you know here," he protested, crossly. + +"All the better reason why I should reach out in search of affinities," +I retorted. But after that, though I was careful to keep my eyes lowered +most of the time, I resolved to come some day to the Astoria alone and +smile at every one I liked. I don't believe I should ever know a human +if Tuck could have his way. + +Presently the elemental brought us delicious things, and while we ate +them Tuck talked about himself. It appears he has produced an opera here +which is a success. People throng to hear it and consider him a great +composer. At all of which, you may believe, I was astonished--just fancy +our Tuk posing as a genius!--but presently when he became elated by the +theme and hummed a bar or two, I understood. The wretch had simply +actualized a few essential harmonies--and done it very badly. I see now +why he likes so much being here, and understand why his associates are +almost altogether human. I don't remember ever meeting with such deceit +and effrontery before. I was so indignant that I could feel my astral +fingers tremble. I could not bear to look at him, and as by that time I +had eaten all I could, I rose and walked directly from the court without +another word. I am sure he would have pursued me had not the elemental, +divining my wish to escape, detained him forcibly. + +Once in the street again, I immediately hypnotized an old lady, willing +her to go direct to Bloomer's Boarding-House while I followed behind. It +may not have been convenient for her, I am afraid, but I knew of no +other way to get back.--Dear me, the light is growing dim, and I must be +dressing for the evening. Good-by!--By the way, I forgot to tell you +something else that happened--remind me of it next time! + + +THE THIRD RECORD + +--Yes, I remember, and you shall hear all about it before I describe an +evening at the Settlement, but it don't amount to much.--I told you how +cross and over-bearing Tuck was at the Astoria tower, and of the mean +way in which he restricted my observations. Well, of all the people in +the grove that day there was only one whom I could see without being +criticized, and he sat all alone and facing me, just behind Tuck's back. +Some green leaves hung between us, and whenever I moved my head to note +what he was doing he moved his, too, to look at me. He seemed so lonely +that I was sorry for him, but his atmosphere showed him to be neither +sullen nor Uranian, and I could not help it if I was just a little bit +responsive. Besides, Tuck, once on the subject of his opera, grew so +self-engrossed and dominant that one had either to assert one's own +mentality or become subjective. + +--No, dear, that is not the _only_ reason. There may be such a thing as +an isolated reason, but I have never met one--they always go in packs. I +confess to a feeling of interest in the stranger. Nobody can look at you +with round blue eyes for half an hour steadily without exercising some +attraction, either positive or negative, and I felt, too, that he was +trying to tell me something which would have been a great deal more +interesting than Tuck's opera, and I believe had I remained a little +longer we could have understood each other between the trees just as you +and I can understand each other across the intervals of space. But then +it is so easy to be mistaken.--I had to pass quite close to him in going +out, and I am not sure I did not drop a rose. + +--There may be just a weenie little bit more about the Astorian, but +that will come in its proper place. Now I must get on to the +evening.--It was not much of an occasion, merely the usual gathering of +our crowd, or rather of those of us who have no special assignment for +the time in the large Council Room I have described to you. + +The President of the Board of Control at present is Marlow, Marlow the +Great, as he is called, the painter whose pictures did so much to +elevate the Patagonians.--No, dear, I never heard of Patagonia before, +but I'm almost sure it's not a planet.--With Marlow came a Mrs. Mopes, +who is engaged in creating schools of fiction by writing stories under +different names and then reviewing them in her own seven magazines. +Next, taking the guests at random, was Baxter, a deadly person in his +human incarnation, whose business it is to make stocks fly up or tumble +down.--I don't know what stocks are, but they must be something very +easily frightened.--Then there was a Mr. Waller, nicknamed the Reverend, +whom the Council allows to speak the truth occasionally, while the rest +of the time he tells people anything they want to hear to win their +confidence. And the two Miss Dooleys who sing so badly that thousands +who can not sing at all leave off singing altogether when they once hear +them. And Mr. Flick, who misbehaves at funerals to distract mourners +from their grief, and a Mr. O'Brien, whose duty it is to fly into +violent passions in public places just to show how unbecoming temper is. + +There were many others, so many I can not begin to enumerate them. Some +had written books and were known all over the planet, and some who were +not known at all had done things because there was nobody else to do +them. And some were singers and some were actors, and some were rich and +some were poor to the outside world, but in the Council Room they met +and laughed and matched experiences and made jokes; from the one who had +built a battle ship so terrible that all the other ships were burnt on +condition that his should be also, to the ordinary helpers who applaud +stupid plays till intelligent human beings become thoroughly disgusted +with bad art. + +In the world, of course, they are all serious enough, and often know +each other only by secret signs, while every day and night and minute +our poor earth-brothers come a little nearer the light--pushed toward +it, pulled toward it, wheedled and trickled and bullied and coaxed, and +thinking all the while how immensely clever they are, and what a +wonderful progressive, glorious age they have brought about for +themselves.--At all events, this is the rather vague composite +impression I have received of the plans and purposes of the Board of +Directors, and doubtless it is wrong. + +I suppose with a little trouble I might have recognized nearly every +one, but the fancy took me to suspend intuition just to see how Earth +girls feel, and you know when one is hearing a lot of pleasant things +one does not much care who happens to be saying them. + +I fancy Marlow thought less of me when I confessed that I am here only +for the lark, and really do not care a meteor whether the planet is ever +elevated or not. But he is a charming old fellow all the same, and the +only one of the lot who has not grown the least bit smudgy. + +Marlow announced that the evening would be spent in harmony with the +vibrations of Orion, and set us all at work to get in touch. I love +Orion light myself, for none other suits my aura quite so well, and I +was glad to find they had not taken up the Vega fad.--The light here? My +dear, it is not even filtered.--Some of us, no doubt for want of +practice, were rather slow about perfecting, but finally we all caught +on, and when O'Brien, no longer fat and florid, and the elder Miss +Dooley, no longer scrawny, moved out to start the dance, there was only +one who had not assumed an astral personality. Poor fellow, though I +pitied him, I did admire his spunk in holding back. It seems that as an +editor he took to telling falsehoods on his own account so often that +the Syndicate is packing him off as Special Correspondent to a tailless +comet. + +Tuck never came at all; either he realizes how honest people must regard +him and his opera, or else the elementals at the Astoria are still +detaining him. + +We had a lovely dance, and while we rested Marlow called on some of us +for specialties. Mrs. Mopes did a paragraph by a man named Henry James, +translated into action, which seemed quite difficult, and then a person +called Parker externalized a violin and gave the Laocoon in terms of +sound. To me his rendering of marble resembled terra-cotta until I +learned that the copy of the statue here is awfully weatherstained. +After this three pretty girls gave the Aurora Borealis by telepathic +suggestion rather well, and then I sang "Love Lives Everywhere"--just +plain so. + +--I know this must all sound dreadfully flat to you, quite like +"Pastimes for the Rainy Season in Neptune," but Bloomer says she doesn't +know what would happen if we should ever give a really characteristic +jolly party. + +We wound up with an Earth dance called the Virginia Reel, the quickest +means you ever saw for descending to a lower psychic plane. That's all I +have to tell, and quite enough, I'm sure you'll think.--What? The +Astorian? I have not seen him since.--But there is a little more, a very +little, if you are not tired.--This morning I received a gift of roses, +just like the one I dropped yesterday, brought me by the same small +embryonic I had seen in the flower shop. I asked the child in whose +intelligence the impulse had originated, and he replied: + +"A blue-eyed feller with a mustache, but he gave me a plunk not to +tell." + +I understood a plunk to be a token of confidence, and I at once +expressed displeasure at the boy's betrayal of his trust. I told him +such an act would make dark lines upon his aura which might not fade for +several days. + +"Say, ain't you got some message to send back?" he asked. + +"Boy!" said I, "don't forget your little aura." + +"All right," he answered, "I'll tell him 'Don't forget your little +aura.' I'll bet he coughs up another plunk." + +I don't know what he meant, but I am very much afraid there may be some +mistake.--Oh, yes, I am quite sure to be back in time for the +Solstice.--Or at least for the Eclipse. + + +THE FOURTH RECORD + +(NOTE: _Between this logogram and the last the Long's Peak Receptive +Pulsator was unfortunately not in operation for the space of a +fortnight, as the electrician who took the instrument apart for +adjustment found it necessary to return to Denver for oil._) + +--Yes, dear, it's me, though if I did not know personality to be +indestructible I should begin to have my doubts. I have not made any +more mistakes, that is, not any bad ones, since I went to the Astoria +alone for lunch, and the elementals were so very disagreeable just +because I had no money. I know all about money now, except exactly how +you get it, and Tuck assures me that is really of no importance. I never +told Ooma how the blue-eyed Astorian paid my bill for me, and her +perceptive faculties have grown too dull to apprehend a thing she is not +told. Fresh roses still come regularly every day, and of course I can do +no less than express my gratitude now and then.--Oh, I don't know how +often, I don't remember.--But it is ever so much pleasanter to have some +one you like to show you the way about than to depend on hypnotizing +strangers, who may have something else to do. + +--I told you last week about the picnic, did I not? The day, I mean, +when Bloomer took me into the country, and Tuck so far forgave my +rudeness to him as to come with us to carry the basket.--Oh, yes, +indeed, I am becoming thoroughly domesticated on Earth. And, my dear, +these humans are docility itself when you once acquire the knack of +making them do exactly as you wish, which is as easy as falling off a +log.--A _log_ is the external evidence of a pre-existent tree, +cylindrical in form, and though often sticky, not sufficiently so to be +adhesive. + +--That picnic was so pleasant--or would have been but for Bloomer's +anxiety that I should behave myself, and Tuck's anxiety that I should +not--that I determined to have another all by myself--and I have had it. + +I traveled to the same little dell I described before, and I put my feet +in the water just as I wasn't allowed to do the other day. And I built a +fire and almost cooked an egg and ate cake (an egg is the bud of a bird, +and cake is edible poetry) sitting on a fence.--Fences grow horizontally +and have no leaves.--Don't ask so many questions! + +After a while, however, I became tired of being alone, so I started off +across some beautiful green meadows toward a hillside, where I had +observed a human walking about and waving a forked wand. He proved the +strangest-looking being I have met with yet, more like those wild and +woolly space-dwellers who tumbled out when that tramp comet bumped +against our second moon. But he was a considerate person, for when he +saw me coming and divined that I should be tired, he piled up a quantity +of delicious-scented herbage for me to sit on. + +"Good morning, mister," I said, plumping myself down upon the mound he +had made, and he, being much more impressionable than you would suppose +from his Uranian appearance, replied: + +"I swan, I like your cheek." + +"It's a pleasant day," I said, because one is always expected to +announce some result of observation of the atmosphere. It shows at once +whether or not one is an idiot. + +"I call it pretty danged hot," he returned, intelligently. + +"Then why don't you get out of the sun?" I suggested, more to keep the +conversation fluid than because I cared a bit. + +"I'm a-goin' to," he answered, "just as soon as that goll-darned wagon +comes." (A "goll-darned" wagon is, I think, a wagon without springs.) + +"What are you going to do then?" I asked, beginning to fear I should be +left alone again after all my trouble. + +"Goin' home to dinner," he replied, and I at once said I would go with +him.--You see, I had placed a little too much reliance on the egg. + +"I dunno about that, but I guess it will be all right," he urged, +hospitably, and presently the goll-darned wagon arrived with another +man, who turned out to be the first one's son and who looked as though +he bit. + +Together the two threw all the herbage into the wagon till it was heaped +far above their heads. + +"How am I ever to get up?" I asked, for I had no idea of walking any +farther, and I could see the man's white house ever so far away. + +"Who said you was goin' to get up at all?" inquired the biter, +disagreeably, but the other answered for me. + +"I said it, that's who, you consarned jay," he announced, reprovingly. + +When I had made them both climb up first and give me each a hand, I had +no difficulty at all in mounting, but I was very careful not to thank +the Jay, which seemed to make him more morose than ever. Then they slid +down again, and off we started. + +Once when we came to some lovely blue flowers growing in water near the +roadside I told the Jay to stop and wade in and pick them for me. + +"I'll be dogged if I do," he answered; so I said: + +"I don't know what being 'dogged' means, but if it is a reward for being +nice and kind and polite, I hope you will be." + +Whereupon he bit at me once and waded in, while the other man, whose +name, it seems, was Pop, sat down upon a stone and laughed. + +"Gosh! If this don't beat the cats," he said, slapping his knee, which +was his way of making himself laugh harder. + +I put the flowers in my hair and in my belt and wherever I could stick +them. But there was still a lot left over, and whenever we met people I +threw them some, which appeared to please Pop, but made the Jay still +more bite-y. + +Presently we came to a very narrow place and there, as luck would have +it, we met an automobile.--Thank goodness, I need not explain +automobile.--And who should be at the lever all alone but--the Astorian. + +I recognized him instantly, and he recognized me, which was, I suppose, +his reason for forgetting to stop till he had nearly run us down. In a +moment we were in the wildest tangle, though nothing need have happened +had not the Jay completely lost his temper. + +"Hang your picture!" he called out, savagely, "What do you want?--The +Earth?" + +And with that he struck the animals--the wagon was not +self-propelling--a violent blow, and they sprang forward with a lurch +which made the hay begin to slip. I tried to save myself, but there was +nothing to catch hold of, so off I slid and--oh, my dear, my dear, just +fancy it!--I landed directly in his lap.--No, not the Jay's.--Of course, +I stayed there as short a time as possible, for he was very nice about +moving up to make room for me on the seat, but I am afraid it did seem +frightfully informal just at first. + +"It was all the fault of that consarned Jay," I explained, as soon as I +had recovered my composure, "and I shall never ride in his goll-darned +wagon again." + +"I sincerely hope you will not," replied Astoria, looking at me with the +most curious expression. "It would be much better to let me take you +wherever you wish to go." + +"That's awfully kind of you," I said, "but I don't care to go anywhere +in particular this afternoon, except as far as possible from that +objectionable young man." + +The Astorian did not speak again till he had turned something in the +machine to make it back and jerk, and, once free from the upset hay, go +on again. + +"Say, Sissy, I thought you was comin' to take dinner," Pop called out +from under the wagon, where he had crawled for safety, and when I +replied as nicely as I could, "No, thank you, not to-day," he said +again, quite sadly as I thought, "Gosh blim me, if that don't beat the +cats!" and also several other things I could not hear because we were +moving away so rapidly. + +When we had gone about a hundred miles--or yards, or inches, whichever +it was--the Astorian, who had been sitting very straight, inquired if +those gentlemen--meaning Pop and Jay--were near relatives. + +I showed him plainly that I thought his question Uranian, and explained +that I had not a relative on Earth. Then I told him exactly how I had +come to be with them, and about my picnic and the egg. I am afraid I did +not take great pains to make the story very clear, for it was such fun +to perplex him. He is not at all like the Venus people, who have become +so superlatively clever that they are always bored to death. + +"Were you surprised to see me flying through the air?" I asked. + +"Oh, no," he said; "I have always thought of you as coming to Earth in +some such way from some far-distant planet." + +"Oh, then, you know!" I gasped. + +The Astorian laughed. + +"I know you are the one perfect being in the world, and that is quite +enough," he said, and I saw at once that whatever he had guessed about +me he knew nothing at all of the Settlement. + +"Miss Aura," he went on,--he has called me that ever since that little +embryonic made his stupid blunder, and I have not corrected him--here it +is almost necessary to have some sort of a name--"Miss Aura, don't you +think we have been mere acquaintances long enough? I'm only human--" + +"Yes, of course," I interrupted, "but then that is not your fault--" + +"I'm glad you look upon my misfortune so charitably," he said, a trifle +more puzzled than usual, as I fancied. + +"It is my duty," I replied. "I want to elevate you; to brighten your +existence." + +"My Aura!" he whispered; and I was not quite sure whether he meant me or +not. + +We were moving rapidly along the broad road beside a river. There were +hills in the distance and the air from them was in the key of the +Pleiades. There were gardens everywhere full of sunlight translated into +flowers, and without an effort one divined the harmony of growing +things. I felt that something was about to happen; I knew it, but I did +not care to ask what it might be. Perhaps if I had tried I could not +have known; perhaps for that hour I was only an Earth girl and could +only know things as they know them, but I did not care. + +We were going faster, faster every moment. + +"Was it you who willed me to come out into the country?" I asked. "Have +you been watching for me and expecting me?" + +We were moving now as clouds that rush across a moon. + +"I think I have been watching for you all my life and willing you to +come," he said, which shows how dreadfully unjust we sometimes are to +humans. + +"While I was on another planet?" I inquired. "While we were millions +and millions of miles apart? Suppose that I had never come to Earth?" + +We were moving like the falling stars one journeys to the Dark +Hemisphere to see. + +"I should have found you all the same," he whispered, half laughing, but +his blue eyes glistened. "I do not think that space itself could +separate us." + +"Oh, do you realize that?" I asked, "and do you really know?" + +"I know I have you with me now," he said, "and that is all I care to +know." + +We were flying now, flying as comets fly to perihelion. The world about +was slipping from us, disintegrating and dissolving into cosmic thoughts +expressed in color. Only his eyes were actual, and the blue hills far +away, and the wind from them in the key of the Pleiades. + +"There shall never any more be time or space for us," he said. + +"But," I protested, "we must not overlook the fundamental facts." + +"In all the universe there is just one fact," he cried, catching my hand +in his, and then-- + +(NOTE: _Here a portion of the logogram becomes indecipherable, owing, +perhaps, to the passage of some large bird across the line of +projection. What follows is the last recorded vibragraph to date._) + +--Yes, dear, I know I should have been more circumspect. I should have +remembered my position, but I didn't. And that's why I'm engaged to be +married.--You have to here, when you reach a certain point--I know you +will think it a great come-down for one of us, but after all do we not +owe something to our sister planets?-- + + + + +THE HEALTH-CARE OF THE BABY + +By LOUIS FISCHER, M.D. + + +"THE HEALTH-CARE OF THE BABY" is a book that should be in the hands of +every mother and nurse. Every mother should be acquainted with those +ills that are common to babies. She should know what to do when a doctor +can not be had readily; while traveling, for instance. In this book Dr. +Fischer, and he has had wide experience in the treatment of children, +gives suggestions and advice for feeding the infant in health, and when +the stomach and bowels are out of order. The book also tells how to +manage a fever, and is a guide to measles, croup, skin diseases and +other ailments. It tells what to do in case of accidents, poisons, etc. +The correction of bad habits and the treatment of rashes are given +careful consideration. + + "This book will be found of great assistance to mothers generally, + dealing with a subject of great interest to the new, as well as to + the old mother. Teething is properly rid of its horrors by positive + statements that it is a normal process entirely. The chapter on + Infant Feeding is very practical and thorough. We commend the book + to all mothers."--_Monthly Journal of Medicine and Surgery_, + Louisville. + +_12mo, Cloth. 75 cents, net; by mail, 83 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers +NEW YORK AND LONDON + + + + +THE CARE AND TRAINING OF CHILDREN + +By LE GRAND KERR, M.D. + + +No two children are exactly alike; not even those of the same family +with hereditary influences, environment, and economic conditions the +same. Their temperaments, their ambitions, their ideas of life, it will +be noted, are widely different. For committing a wrong act one child +needs punishment, while on a like occasion another child needs advice. +To bring up their children so that they will be vigorous, noble men and +women is the most perplexing problem that confronts mothers and fathers +to-day. Dr. Kerr, from his close association with children, is well +qualified to enlighten parents on these difficulties. In this book he +has given thorough treatment to the training of children, hygiene, +physique, mentality, and morality. After one has read the book there +seems to be no phase of the question that has not been covered. The +young parent will find it a wonderful aid; the elder parents will want +to pass it on to their children. + +_12mo, Cloth. 75 cents, net; by mail, 84 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers + +NEW YORK AND LONDON + + + + +CHILD TRAINING AS AN EXACT SCIENCE + +_By George W. 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The object of this work is to +enable any one to put into practise the principles on which sound +physical health may be gained and maintained. + + "A marvelous amount of information of a most practical + character."--_New York Sun._ + + "A practical handbook for home use."--_Detroit Times._ + + "This little book is thoroughly commendable."--_Chicago + Record-Herald._ + + "It is a little book of great value, and will undoubtedly be useful + in the schools and to business and professional persons."-_Salt + Lake Tribune._ + +_12mo, Cloth, 50 cents, net; by mail, 54 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers +NEW YORK AND LONDON + + + + +_A New Book Dedicated to All Girls Whose Ambition Is to Lead a Happy, +Healthful, Useful Life._ + +Health and Happiness + +A MESSAGE TO GIRLS. + +By ELIZA M. MOSHER, M.D. + + +This new book consists of a dozen letters which deal in a fundamental +and very original way with habits of posture, good and bad, and their +influence upon the body; with efficiency through an understanding of the +needs of the body in relation to foods, and the removal of waste; the +care of the skin; and the offices of clothing. + +Very simply and clearly the structure and functions of the nervous +system are given as a basis for important suggestions regarding its care +from infancy to womanhood. Explicit teaching is given regarding the care +girls need to give themselves during high school and college years if +they wish to keep as well and strong as they ought to be. 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Average carriage charges 8 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers +NEW YORK and LONDON + + + + +Exercises for Women + + +Most women are very definitely in need of some sort of simple and +suitable exercise that can be done in the home, without apparatus, if +necessary. + +This new book by Florence Bolton, A.B., formerly Director of Women's +Gymnasium, Stanford University, outlines and pictures an excellent +series of plain, practical exercises, adapted to meet the peculiar +requirements of women. + +The combination of different exercises includes many for reducing flesh; +and others bound to result in the securing and preservation of a full, +rounded, graceful figure. + +_For Every Woman Everywhere Who Desires PHYSICAL GRACE, and POWER and +the mental satisfaction consequent upon both._ + +The book should be useful to physicians in prescribing exercises for +their patients, to teachers of gymnastics for class and private work, to +the college woman who has left gymnasium days behind, and to EVERY +WOMAN, EVERYWHERE who desires PHYSICAL GRACE, and POWER. + +HAS DONE HER SEX GOOD SERVICE + + "Florence Bolton ... has done her sex good service in this terse, + well-arranged little volume. The directions for specific exercises, + mainly of the 'mat' order, are well detailed, and fitting + illustrations simplify their use."--_The Record-Herald_, Chicago, + Ill. + +_12mo, Cloth. Numerous half-tones and diagrams, outlining the movements. +$1.00, net. Average carriage charges 8 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers +NEW YORK and LONDON + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Wit and Humor of America, Volume +IV. 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Wilder + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + .sidenote {width: 20%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em; margin-left: 1em; + float: right; clear: right; margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: dashed 1px;} + + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox {border: solid 2px; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%;} + .boxtext {margin-left: 4%; margin-right: 4%;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .u {text-decoration: underline;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i1 {display: block; margin-left: 1em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i12 {display: block; margin-left: 12em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i14 {display: block; margin-left: 14em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i6 {display: block; margin-left: 6em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. +(of X.), by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) + +Author: Various + +Editor: Marshall P. Wilder + +Release Date: July 7, 2006 [EBook #18776] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WIT AND HUMOR OF *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<h4>Library Edition</h4> + +<h2>THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA</h2> + +<h4>In Ten Volumes</h4> + +<h4>VOL. IV</h4> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<p class="figcenter"><img src="./images/harris.jpg" +alt="JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS" +title="JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS" /></p> + +<p class="figcenter caption">JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1>THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA</h1> + +<h2>EDITED BY MARSHALL P. WILDER</h2> + +<h2><i>Volume IV</i></h2> + + +<h4> +Funk & Wagnalls Company<br /> +New York and London<br /> +<br /> +Copyright MDCCCCVII, BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY<br /> +Copyright MDCCCCXI, THE THWING COMPANY<br /> +</h4> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Contents"> +<tr><td align='right' colspan='3'>PAGE</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>April Aria, An</td><td align='left'>R.K. Munkittrick</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_711">711</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>"As Good as a Play"</td><td align='left'>Horace E. Scudder</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_749">749</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, The</td><td align='left'>Oliver Wendell Holmes</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_753">753</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Briefless Barrister, The</td><td align='left'>John G. Saxe</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_585">585</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Cable-Car Preacher, A</td><td align='left'>Sam Walter Foss</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_647">647</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Cæsar's Quiet Lunch with Cicero</td><td align='left'>James T. Fields</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_760">760</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Cheer for the Consumer</td><td align='left'>Nixon Waterman</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_740">740</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Comin' Home Thanksgivin'</td><td align='left'>James Ball Naylor</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_763">763</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Complaint of Friends, A</td><td align='left'>Gail Hamilton</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_604">604</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Coupon Bonds, The</td><td align='left'>J.T. Trowbridge</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_654">654</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Crankidoxology</td><td align='left'>Wallace Irwin</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_688">688</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Desolation</td><td align='left'>Tom Masson</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_686">686</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Desperate Race, A</td><td align='left'>J.F. Kelley</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_742">742</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>De Stove Pipe Hole</td><td align='left'>William Henry Drummond</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_774">774</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Economical Pair, The</td><td align='left'>Carolyn Wells</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_602">602</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Family Horse, The</td><td align='left'>Frederick A. Cozzens</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_715">715</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Girl from Mercury, The</td><td align='left'>Herman Knickerbocker Vielé</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_779">779</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Grand Opera, The</td><td align='left'>Billy Baxter</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_693">693</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Greco-Trojan Game, The</td><td align='left'>Charles F. Johnson</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_595">595</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>How to Know the Wild Animals</td><td align='left'>Carolyn Wells</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_650">650</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>How We Bought a Sewin' Machine and Organ</td><td align='left'>Josiah Allen's Wife</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_729">729</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>I Remember, I Remember</td><td align='left'>Phœbe Cary</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_652">652</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>In a State of Sin</td><td align='left'>Owen Wister</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_696">696</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Loafer and the Squire, The</td><td align='left'>Porte Crayon</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_767">767</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Love Sonnets of a Husband, The</td><td align='left'>Maurice Smiley</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_725">725</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Meditations of a Mariner</td><td align='left'>Wallace Irwin</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_713">713</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Modern Advantage, A</td><td align='left'>Charlotte Becker</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_642">642</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Modern Eclogue, A</td><td align='left'>Bliss Carman</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_645">645</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>My Honey, My Love</td><td align='left'>Joel Chandler Harris</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_691">691</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Ponchus Pilut</td><td align='left'>James Whitcomb Riley</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_624">624</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Praise-God Barebones</td><td align='left'>Ellen Mackay Hutchinson Cortissoz</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_765">765</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Raggedy Man, The</td><td align='left'>James Whitcomb Riley</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_643">643</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Shooting-Match, The</td><td align='left'>A.B. Longstreet</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_666">666</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Sonnet of the Lovable Lass and the Plethoric Dad</td><td align='left'>J.W. Foley</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_723">723</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Story of the Two Friars</td><td align='left'>Eugene Field</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_588">588</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Two Husbands, The</td><td align='left'>Carolyn Wells</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_587">587</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Two Pedestrians, The</td><td align='left'>Carolyn Wells</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_603">603</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Two Prisoners, The</td><td align='left'>Carolyn Wells</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_641">641</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Victory</td><td align='left'>Tom Masson</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_714">714</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>Wolf at Susan's Door, The</td><td align='left'>Anne Warner</td><td align='left'><a href="#Page_626">626</a></td></tr> +</table></div> + + + +<h3>COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X.</h3> + + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_585" id="Page_585">[Pg 585]</a></span></p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_BRIEFLESS_BARRISTER" id="THE_BRIEFLESS_BARRISTER"></a>THE BRIEFLESS BARRISTER</h2> + +<h3><i>A Ballad</i></h3> + +<h3>BY JOHN G. SAXE</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">An attorney was taking a turn,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In shabby habiliments drest;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His coat it was shockingly worn,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And the rust had invested his vest.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">His breeches had suffered a breach,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His linen and worsted were worse;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He had scarce a whole crown in his hat,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And not half a crown in his purse.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And thus as he wandered along,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A cheerless and comfortless elf,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He sought for relief in a song,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or complainingly talked to himself:—<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Unfortunate man that I am!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I've never a client but grief:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The case is, I've no case at all,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And in brief, I've ne'er had a brief!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I've waited and waited in vain,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Expecting an 'opening' to find,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where an honest young lawyer might gain<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Some reward for toil of his mind.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'Tis not that I'm wanting in law,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or lack an intelligent face,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That others have cases to plead,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">While I have to plead for a case.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_586" id="Page_586">[Pg 586]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"O, how can a modest young man<br /></span> +<span class="i2">E'er hope for the smallest progression,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The profession's already so full<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of lawyers so full of profession!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">While thus he was strolling around,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">His eye accidentally fell<br /></span> +<span class="i0">On a very deep hole in the ground,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And he sighed to himself, "It is well!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">To curb his emotions, he sat<br /></span> +<span class="i2">On the curbstone the space of a minute,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then cried, "Here's an opening at last!"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And in less than a jiffy was in it!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Next morning twelve citizens came<br /></span> +<span class="i2">('Twas the coroner bade them attend),<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To the end that it might be determined<br /></span> +<span class="i2">How the man had determined his end!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"The man was a lawyer, I hear,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Quoth the foreman who sat on the corse.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"A lawyer? Alas!" said another,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Undoubtedly died of remorse!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A third said, "He knew the deceased,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An attorney well versed in the laws,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And as to the cause of his death,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'Twas no doubt for the want of a cause."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The jury decided at length,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">After solemnly weighing the matter,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That the lawyer was drown<i>d</i>ed, because<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He could not keep his head above water!<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_587" id="Page_587">[Pg 587]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_TWO_HUSBANDS" id="THE_TWO_HUSBANDS"></a>THE TWO HUSBANDS</h2> + +<h3>BY CAROLYN WELLS</h3> + + +<p>Once on a Time there were Two Men, each of whom married the Woman of his +Choice. One Man devoted all his Energies to Getting Rich.</p> + +<p>He was so absorbed in Acquiring Wealth that he Worked Night and Day to +Accomplish his End.</p> + +<p>By this Means he lost his Health, he became a Nervous Wreck, and was so +Irritable and Irascible that his Wife Ceased to live with him and +Returned to her Parents' House.</p> + +<p>The Other Man made no Efforts to Earn Money, and after he had Spent his +own and his Wife's Fortunes, Poverty Stared them in the Face.</p> + +<p>Although his Wife had loved him Fondly, she could not Continue her +affection toward One who could not Support her, so she left him and +Returned to her Childhood's Home.</p> + + +<h3>MORALS:</h3> + +<p>This Fable teaches that the Love of Money is the Root of All Evil, and +that When Poverty Comes In At the Door, Loves Flies Out Of the Window.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_588" id="Page_588">[Pg 588]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_STORY_OF_THE_TWO_FRIARS" id="THE_STORY_OF_THE_TWO_FRIARS"></a>THE STORY OF THE TWO FRIARS</h2> + +<h3>BY EUGENE FIELD</h3> + + +<p>It befell in the year 1662, in which same year were many witchcrafts and +sorceries, such as never before had been seen and the like of which will +never again, by grace of Heaven, afflict mankind—in this year it befell +that the devil came upon earth to tempt an holy friar, named Friar +Gonsol, being strictly minded to win that righteous vessel of piety unto +his evil pleasance.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Now wit you well that this friar had grievously offended the devil, for +of all men then on earth there was none more holier than he nor none +surer to speak and to do sweet charity unto all his fellows in every +place. Therefore it was that the devil was sore wroth at the Friar +Gonsol, being mightily plagued not only by his teachings and his +preachings, but also by the pious works which he continually did do. +Right truly the devil knew that by no common temptations was this friar +to be moved, for the which reason did the devil seek in dark and +troublous cogitations to bethink him of some new instrument wherewith he +might bedazzle the eyes and ensnare the understanding of the holy man. +On a sudden it came unto the fiend that by no corporeal allurement would +he be able to achieve his miserable end, for that by reason of an +abstemious life and a frugal diet the Friar Gonsol had weaned his body +from those frailties and lusts to which human flesh is by nature of the +old Adam within it dis<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_589" id="Page_589">[Pg 589]</a></span>posed, and by long-continued vigils and by +earnest devotion and by godly contemplations and by divers proper +studies had fixed his mind and his soul with exceeding steadfastness +upon things unto his eternal spiritual welfare appertaining. Therefore +it beliked the devil to devise and to compound a certain little booke of +mighty curious craft, wherewith he might be like to please the Friar +Gonsol and, in the end, to ensnare him in his impious toils. Now this +was the way of the devil's thinking, to wit: This friar shall suspect no +evil in the booke, since never before hath the devil tempted mankind +with such an instrument, the common things wherewith the devil tempteth +man being (as all histories show and all theologies teach) fruit and +women and other like things pleasing to the gross and perishable senses. +Therefore, argueth the devil, when I shall tempt this friar with a booke +he shall be taken off his guard and shall not know it to be a +temptation. And thereat was the devil exceeding merry and he did laugh +full merrily.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Now presently came this thing of evil unto the friar in the guise of +another friar and made a proper low obeisance unto the same. But the +Friar Gonsol was not blinded to the craft of the devil, for from under +the cloak and hood that he wore there did issue the smell of sulphur and +of brimstone which alone the devil hath.</p> + +<p>"Beshrew me," quoth the Friar Gonsol, "if the odour in my nostrils be +spikenard and not the fumes of the bottomless pit!"</p> + +<p>"Nay, sweet friar," spake the devil full courteously, "the fragrance +thou perceivest is of frankincense and myrrh, for I am of holy orders +and I have brought thee a righteous booke, delectable to look upon and +profitable unto the reading."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_590" id="Page_590">[Pg 590]</a></span></p> + +<p>Then were the eyes of that Friar Gonsol full of bright sparklings and +his heart rejoiced with exceeding joy, for he did set most store, next +to his spiritual welfare, by bookes wherein was food to his beneficial +devouring.</p> + +<p>"I do require thee," quoth the friar, "to shew me that booke that I may +know the name thereof and discover whereof it treateth."</p> + +<p>Then shewed the devil the booke unto the friar, and the friar saw it was +an uncut unique of incalculable value; the height of it was half a cubit +and the breadth of it the fourth part of a cubit and the thickness of it +five barleycorns lacking the space of three horsehairs. This booke +contained, within its divers picturings, symbols and similitudes wrought +with incomparable craft, the same being such as in human vanity are +called proof before letters, and imprinted upon India paper; also the +booke contained written upon its pages, divers names of them that had +possessed it, all these having in their time been mighty and illustrious +personages; but what seemed most delectable unto the friar was an +autographic writing wherein 'twas shewn that the booke sometime had been +given by Venus di Medici to Apollos at Rhodes.</p> + +<p>When therefore the Friar Gonsol saw the booke how that it was intituled +and imprinted and adorned and bounden, he knew it to be of vast worth +and he was mightily moved to possess it; therefore he required of the +other (that was the devil) that he give unto him an option upon the same +for the space of seven days hence or until such a time as he could +inquire concerning the booke in Lowndes and other such like authorities. +But the devil, smiling, quoth: "The booke shall be yours without price +provided only you shall bind yourself to do me a service as I shall +hereafter specify and direct."</p> + +<p>Now when the Friar Gonsol heard this compact, he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_591" id="Page_591">[Pg 591]</a></span> knew for a verity that +the devil was indeed the devil, and but that he sorely wanted the booke +he would have driven that impious fiend straightway from his presence. +Howbeit, the devil, promising to visit him again that night, departed, +leaving the friar exceeding heavy in spirit, for he was both assotted +upon the booke to comprehend it and assotted upon the devil to do +violence unto him.</p> + +<p>It befell that in his doubtings he came unto the Friar Francis, another +holy man that by continual fastings and devotions had made himself an +ensample of piety unto all men, and to this sanctified brother did the +Friar Gonsol straightway unfold the story of his temptation and speak +fully of the wondrous booke and of its divers many richnesses.</p> + +<p>When that he had heard this narration the Friar Francis made answer in +this wise: "Of great subtility surely is the devil that he hath set this +snare for thy feet. Have a care, my brother, that thou fallest not into +the pit which he hath digged for thee! Happy art thou to have come to me +with this thing, elsewise a great mischief might have befallen thee. Now +listen to my words and do as I counsel thee. Have no more to do with +this devil; send him to me, or appoint with him another meeting and I +will go in thy stead."</p> + +<p>"Nay, nay," cried the Friar Gonsol, "the saints forefend from thee the +evil temptation provided for my especial proving! I should have been +reckoned a weak and coward vessel were I to send thee in my stead to +bear the mortifications designed for the trying of my virtues."</p> + +<p>"But thou art a younger brother than I," reasoned the Friar Francis +softly; "and, firm though thy resolution may be now, thou art more like +than I to be wheedled and bedazzled by these diabolical wiles and +artifices. So let me know where this devil abideth with the booke; I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_592" id="Page_592">[Pg 592]</a></span> +burn to meet him and to wrest his treasure from his impious possession."</p> + +<p>But the Friar Gonsol shook his head and would not hear unto this +vicarious sacrifice whereon the good Friar Francis had set his heart.</p> + +<p>"Ah, I see that thou hast little faith in my strength to combat the +fiend," quoth the Friar Francis reproachfully. "Thy trust in me should +be greater, for I have done thee full many a kindly office; or, now I do +bethink me, thou art assorted on the booke! Unhappy brother, can it be +that thou dost covet this vain toy, this frivolous bauble, that thou +wouldst seek the devil's companionship anon to compound with Beelzelub? +I charge thee, Brother Gonsol, open thine eyes and see in what a +slippery place thou standest."</p> + +<p>Now by these argumentations was the Friar Gonsol mightily confounded, +and he knew not what to do.</p> + +<p>"Come, now, hesitate no longer," quoth the Friar Francis, "but tell me +where that devil may be found—I burn to see and to comprehend the +booke—not that I care for the booke, but that I am grievously tormented +to do that devil a sore despight!"</p> + +<p>"Odds boddikins," quoth the other friar, "me-seemeth that the booke +inciteth thee more than the devil."</p> + +<p>"Thou speakest wrongly," cried the Friar Francis. "Thou mistakest pious +zeal for sinful selfishness. Full wroth am I to hear how that this devil +walketh to and fro, using a sweet and precious booke for the temptation +of holy men. Shall so righteous an instrument be employed by the prince +of heretics to so unrighteous an end?"</p> + +<p>"Thou sayest wisely," quoth the Friar Gonsol, "and thy words convince me +that a battaile must be made with this devil for that booke. So now I +shall go to encounter the fiend!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_593" id="Page_593">[Pg 593]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Then by the saints I shall go with thee!" cried the Friar Francis, and +he gathered his gown about his loins right briskly.</p> + +<p>But when the Friar Gonsol saw this he made great haste to go alone, and +he ran out of the door full swiftly and fared him where the devil had +appointed an appointment with him. Now wit you well that the Friar +Francis did follow close upon his heels, for though his legs were not so +long he was a mighty runner and he was right sound of wind. Therefore +was it a pleasant sight to see these holy men vying with one another to +do battle with the devil, and much it repenteth me that there be some +ribald heretics that maintain full enviously that these two saintly +friars did so run not for the devil that they might belabor him, but for +the booke that they might possess it.</p> + +<p>It fortuned that the devil was already come to the place where he had +appointed the appointment, and in his hand he had the booke aforesaid. +Much marveled he when that he beheld the two friars faring thence.</p> + +<p>"I adjure thee, thou devil," said the Friar Gonsol from afar off, "I +adjure thee give me that booke else I will take thee by thy horns and +hoofs and drub thy ribs together!"</p> + +<p>"Heed him not, thou devil," said the Friar Francis, "for it is I that am +coming to wrestle with thee and to overcome thee for that booke!"</p> + +<p>With such words and many more the two holy friars bore down upon the +devil; but the devil thinking verily that he was about to be beset by +the whole church militant stayed not for their coming, but presently +departed out of sight and bore the book with him.</p> + +<p>Now many people at that time saw the devil fleeing before the two +friars, so that, esteeming it to be a sign of special grace, these +people did ever thereafter acknowledge the friars to be saints, and unto +this day you shall<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_594" id="Page_594">[Pg 594]</a></span> hear of St. Gonsol and St. Francis. Unto this day, +too, doth the devil, with that same booke wherewith he tempted the friar +of old, beset and ensnare men of every age and in all places. Against +which devil may Heaven fortify us to do battle speedily and with +successful issuance.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_595" id="Page_595">[Pg 595]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_GRECO-TROJAN_GAME" id="THE_GRECO-TROJAN_GAME"></a>THE GRECO-TROJAN GAME</h2> + +<h3>BY CHARLES F. JOHNSON</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">First on the ground appeared the god-like Trojan Eleven,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Shining in purple and black, with tight and well-fitting sweaters,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Woven by Andromache in the well-ordered palace of Priam.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">After them came, in goodly array, the players of Hellas,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Skilled in kicking and blocking and tackling and fooling the umpire.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All advanced on the field, marked off with white alabaster,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Level and square and true, at the ends two goal posts erected,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Richly adorned with silver and gold and carved at the corners,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Bearing a legend which read, "Don't talk back at the umpire"—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Rule first given by Zeus, for the guidance of voluble mortals.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All the rules of the game were deeply cut in the crossbars,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So that the players might know exactly how to evade them.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">On one side of the field were ranged the Trojan spectators,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yelling in composite language their ancient Phrygian war-cry;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"<i>Ho-hay-toe, Tou-tais-ton, Ton-tain-to; Boomerah Boomerah, Trojans!</i>"<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_596" id="Page_596">[Pg 596]</a></span> +<span class="i0">And on the other, the Greeks, fair-haired, and ready to halloo,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If occasion should offer and Zeus should grant them a touch-down,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"<i>Breck-ek kek-kek-koax, Anax andron, Agamemnon</i>!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">First they agreed on an umpire, the silver-tongued Nestor.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Long years ago he played end-rush on the Argive eleven;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He was admitted by all to be an excellent umpire<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Save for the habit he had of making public addresses,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Tedious, long-winded and dull, and full of minute explanations,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">How they used to play in the days when Cadmus was half-back,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or how Hermes could dodge, and Ares and Phœbus could tackle;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Couched in rhythmical language but not one whit to the purpose.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">On his white hair they carefully placed the sacred tiara,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Worn by the foot-ball umpires of old as a badge of their office,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Also to save their heads, in case the players should slug them.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then they gave him a spear wherewith to enforce his decisions,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And to stick in the ground to mark the place to line up to.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He advanced to the thirty-yard line and began an oration:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Listen, Trojans and Greeks! For thirty-five seasons,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I played foot-ball in Greece with Peleus for half-back and captain.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Those were the days of old when men played the game as they'd orter.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Once, I remember, Æacus, the god-like son of Poseidon,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_597" id="Page_597">[Pg 597]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Kicked the ball from a drop, clean over the city of Argos.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That was the game when Peleus, our captain, lost all his front teeth;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Little we cared for teeth or eyes when once we were warmed up.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Why, I remember that Æacus ran so that no one could see him,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There was just a long hole in the air and a man at the end on't.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hercules umpired that game, and I noticed there wasn't much back-talk."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Him interrupting, sternly addressed the King Agamemnon:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Cease, old man; come off your antediluvian boasting;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Doubtless our grandpas could all play the game as well as they knew how.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They are all dead, and have long lined up in the fields of elysium;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If they were here we would wipe up the ground with the rusty old duffers.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You call the game, and keep your eye fixed on the helmeted Hector.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He'll play off-side all the while, if he thinks the umpire don't see him!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then the old man threw the lots, but sore was his heart in his bosom.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Troy has the kick-off," he said, "the ball is yours, noble Hector."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then he gave him the ball, a prolate spheroid of leather,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Much like the world in its shape, if the world were lengthened, not flattened,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Covered with well-sewed leather, the well-seasoned hide of a bison,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_598" id="Page_598">[Pg 598]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Killed by Lakon, the hunter, ere bisons were exterminated.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">On it was painted a battle, a market, a piece of the ocean,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Horses and cows and nymphs and things too many to mention.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then the heroes peeled off their sweaters and put on their nose-guards,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Also the fiendish expressions the great occasion demanded.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ajax stood on the right; in the center the great Agamemnon;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Diomed crouched on the left, the god-like rusher and tackler,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Crouched as a panther crouches, if sculptors do justice to panthers.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Crafty Ulysses played back, for none of the Trojans could pass him,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All the best Greeks were in line, but Podas Okus Achilleus,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who though an excellent kicker stayed all day in his section.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Hector dribbled the ball, then seized it and putting his head down,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And, as a lion carries a lamb and jumps over fences—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dodging this way and that the shepherds who wish to remonstrate—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So did the son of Priam carry the ball through the rush line,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Till he was tackled fair by the full-back, the crafty Ulysses.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Even then he carried the ball and the son of Laertes<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_599" id="Page_599">[Pg 599]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Full five yards till they fell to the ground with a deep indentation<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where one might hide three men so that no man could see them—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Men of the present day, degenerate sons of the heroes—<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Now, when Pallas Athene discovered the Greeks would be beaten,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She slid down from the steep of Olympus upon a toboggan.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sudden she came before crafty Ulysses in guise like a maiden;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Not that she thought to fool him, but since Olympian fashion<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Made the form of a woman good form for a goddess' assumption.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She then spoke to him quickly, and said, "O son of Laertes,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Seize thou the ball; I will pass it to thee and trip up the Trojan."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Her replying, slowly re-worded the son of Laertes—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"That will I do, O goddess divine, for he can outrun me."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then when the ball was in play, she cast thick darkness around it.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Also around Ulysses she poured invisible darkness.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Under this cover, taking the ball he passed down the middle,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Silent and swift, unseen, unnoticed, unblocked, and untackled.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Meanwhile she piled the Greeks and the Trojans in conglomeration,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Much like a tangle of pine-trees where lightning has frequently fallen,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_600" id="Page_600">[Pg 600]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Or like a basket of lobsters and crabs which the provident housewife<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dumps on the kitchen floor and vainly endeavors to count them,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So seemed the legs and the arms and the heads of the twenty-one players.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sudden a shout arose, for under the crossbar, Ulysses,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Visible, sat on the ball, quietly making a touch-down;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">On the tip of his nose were his thumb and fingers extended,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Curved and vibrating slow in the sign of the blameless Egyptians.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Violent language came to the lips of the helmeted Hector,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Under his breath he murmured a few familiar quotations,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Scraps of Phrygian folk-lore about the kingdom of Hades;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then he called loud as a trumpet, "I claim foul, Mr. Umpire!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Touch-down for Greece," said Hector; "'twixt you and me and the goal-post<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I lost sight of the ball in a very singular manner."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then they carried the sphere back to the twenty-five yard line,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Prone on the ground lay a Greek, the leather was poised in his fingers—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Thrice Agamemnon adjusted the sphere with deliberation;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then he drew back as a ram draws back for deadly encounter.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then he tripped lightly ahead, and brought his sandal in contact<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Right at the point; straight flew the ball right over the crossbar,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_601" id="Page_601">[Pg 601]</a></span> +<span class="i0">While like the cries of pygmies and cranes the race-yell resounded:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"<i>Breck-ek kek-kek-koax, Anax andron, Agamemnon</i>!"<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_602" id="Page_602">[Pg 602]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_ECONOMICAL_PAIR" id="THE_ECONOMICAL_PAIR"></a>THE ECONOMICAL PAIR</h2> + +<h3>BY CAROLYN WELLS</h3> + + +<p>Once on a Time there was a Man and his Wife who had Different Ideas +concerning Family Expenditures.</p> + +<p>The Man said: "I am Exceedingly Economical; although I spend Small Sums +here and there for Cigars, Wines, Theater Tickets, and Little Dinners, +yet I do not buy me a Yacht or a Villa at Newport."</p> + +<p>But even with these Praiseworthy Principles, it soon Came About that the +Man was Bankrupt.</p> + +<p>Whereupon he Reproached his Wife, who Answered his Accusations with +Surprise.</p> + +<p>"Me! My dear!" she exclaimed. "Why, I am Exceedingly Economical. True, I +Occasionally buy me a Set of Sables or a Diamond Tiara, but I am +Scrupulously Careful about Small Sums; I Diligently unknot all Strings +that come around Parcels, and Save Them, and I use the Backs of old +Envelopes for Scribbling-Paper. Yet, somehow, my Bank-Account is also +Exhausted."</p> + + +<h3>MORALS:</h3> + +<p>This Fable teaches to Takes Care of the Pence and the Pounds will Take +Care of Themselves, and that we Should Not Be Penny-Wise and +Pound-Foolish.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_603" id="Page_603">[Pg 603]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_TWO_PEDESTRIANS" id="THE_TWO_PEDESTRIANS"></a>THE TWO PEDESTRIANS</h2> + +<h3>BY CAROLYN WELLS</h3> + + +<p>Once on a time there were two Men, one of whom was a Good Man and the +other a Rogue.</p> + +<p>The Good Man one day saw a Wretched Drunkard endeavoring to find his way +Home.</p> + +<p>Being most kind-hearted, the Good Man assisted the Wretched Drunkard to +his feet and accompanied him along the Highway toward his Home.</p> + +<p>The Good Man held fast the arm of the Wretched Drunkard, and the result +of this was that when the Wretched Drunkard lurched giddily the Good Man +perforce lurched too.</p> + +<p>Whereupon, as the Passing Populace saw the pair, they said: "Aha! +Another good man gone wrong," and they Wisely Wagged their Heads.</p> + +<p>Now the Bad Man of this tale, being withal of a shrewd and canny Nature, +stood often on a street corner, and engaged in grave conversation with +the Magnates of the town.</p> + +<p>To be sure, the Magnates shook him as soon as possible, but in no wise +discouraged he cheerfully sauntered up to another Magnate. Thus did he +gain a Reputation of being a friend of the Great.</p> + + +<h3>MORALS:</h3> + +<p>This Fable teaches us that A Man is known by the Company he Keeps, and +that We Must not Judge by Appearances.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_604" id="Page_604">[Pg 604]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_COMPLAINT_OF_FRIENDS" id="A_COMPLAINT_OF_FRIENDS"></a>A COMPLAINT OF FRIENDS</h2> + +<h3>BY GAIL HAMILTON</h3> + + +<p>If things would not run into each other so, it would be a thousand times +easier and a million times pleasanter to get on in the world. Let the +sheepiness be set on one side and the goatiness on the other, and +immediately you know where you are. It is not necessary to ask that +there be any increase of the one or any diminution of the other, but +only that each shall preëmpt its own territory and stay there. Milk is +good, and water is good, but don't set the milk-pail under the pump. +Pleasure softens pain, but pain embitters pleasure; and who would not +rather have his happiness concentrated into one memorable day, that +shall gleam and glow through a lifetime, than have it spread out over a +dozen comfortable, commonplace, humdrum forenoons and afternoons, each +one as like the others as two peas in a pod? Since the law of +compensation obtains, I suppose it is the best law for us; but if it had +been left with me, I should have made the clever people rich and +handsome, and left poverty and ugliness to the stupid people; +because—don't you see?—the stupid people won't know they are ugly, and +won't care if they are poor, but the clever people will be hampered and +tortured. I would have given the good wives to the good husbands, and +made drunken men marry drunken women. Then there would have been one +family exquisitely happy instead of two struggling against misery. I +would have made the rose stem downy, and put all the thorns<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_605" id="Page_605">[Pg 605]</a></span> on the +thistles. I would have gouged out the jewel from the toad's head, and +given the peacock the nightingale's voice, and not set everything so at +half and half.</p> + +<p>But that is the way it is. We find the world made to our hand. The wise +men marry the foolish virgins, and the splendid virgins marry dolts, and +matters in general are so mixed up, that the choice lies between nice +things about spoiled, and vile things that are not so bad after all, and +it is hard to tell sometimes which you like the best, or which you +loathe least.</p> + +<p>I expect to lose every friend I have in the world by the publication of +this paper—except the dunces who are impaled in it. They will never +read it, and if they do, will never suspect I mean them; while the +sensible and true friends, who do me good and not evil all the days of +their lives, will think I am driving at their noble hearts, and will at +once fall off and leave me inconsolable. Still I am going to write it. +You must open the safety-valve once in a while, even if the steam does +whiz and shriek, or there will be an explosion, which is fatal, while +the whizzing and shrieking are only disagreeable.</p> + +<p>Doubtless friendship has its advantages and its pleasures; doubtless +hostility has its isolations and its revenges; still, if called upon to +choose once for all between friends and foes, I think, on the whole, I +should cast my vote for the foes. Twenty enemies will not do you the +mischief of one friend. Enemies you always know where to find. They are +in fair and square perpetual hostility, and you keep your armor on and +your sentinels posted; but with friends you are inveigled into a false +security, and, before you know it, your honor, your modesty, your +delicacy are scudding before the gales. Moreover, with your friend you +can never make reprisals. If your enemy attacks you, you can always +strike back and hit hard.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_606" id="Page_606">[Pg 606]</a></span> You are expected to defend yourself against +him to the top of your bent. He is your legal opponent in honorable +warfare. You can pour hot-shot into him with murderous vigor; and the +more he writhes, the better you feel. In fact, it is rather refreshing +to measure swords once in a while with such a one. You like to exert +your power and keep yourself in practice. You do not rejoice so much in +overcoming your enemy as in overcoming. If a marble statue could show +fight you would just as soon fight it; but as it can not, you take +something that can, and something, besides, that has had the temerity to +attack you, and so has made a lawful target of itself. But against your +friend your hands are tied. He has injured you. He has disgusted you. He +has infuriated you. But it was most Christianly done. You can not hurl a +thunderbolt, or pull a trigger, or lisp a syllable against those amiable +monsters who, with tenderest fingers, are sticking pins all over you. So +you shut fast the doors of your lips, and inwardly sigh for a good, +stout, brawny, malignant foe, who, under any and every circumstance, +will design you harm, and on whom you can lavish your lusty blows with a +hearty will and a clear conscience.</p> + +<p>Your enemy keeps clear of you. He neither grants nor claims favors. He +awards you your rights,—no more, no less,—and demands the same from +you. Consequently there is no friction. Your friend, on the contrary, is +continually getting himself tangled up with you "because he is your +friend." I have heard that Shelley was never better pleased than when +his associates made free with his coats, boots, and hats for their own +use, and that he appropriated their property in the same way. Shelley +was a poet, and perhaps idealized his friends. He saw them, probably, in +a state of pure intellect. I am not a poet; I look at people in the +concrete. The most obvi<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_607" id="Page_607">[Pg 607]</a></span>ous thing about my friends is their avoirdupois; +and I prefer that they should wear their own cloaks and suffer me to +wear mine. There is no neck in the world that I want my collar to span +except my own. It is very exasperating to me to go to my bookcase and +miss a book of which I am in immediate and pressing need, because an +intimate friend has carried it off without asking leave, on the score of +his intimacy. I have not, and do not wish to have, any alliance that +shall abrogate the eighth commandment. A great mistake is lying round +loose hereabouts,—a mistake fatal to many friendships that did run +well. The common fallacy is that intimacy dispenses with the necessity +of politeness. The truth is just the opposite of this. The more points +of contact there are, the more danger of friction there is, and the more +carefully should people guard against it. If you see a man only once a +month, it is not of so vital importance that you do not trench on his +rights, tastes, or whims. He can bear to be crossed or annoyed +occasionally. If he does not have a very high regard for you, it is +comparatively unimportant, because your paths are generally so diverse. +But you and the man with whom you dine every day have it in your power +to make each other exceedingly uncomfortable. A very little dropping +will wear away rock, if it only keep at it. The thing that you would not +think of, if it occurred only twice a year, becomes an intolerable +burden when it happens twice a day. This is where husbands and wives run +aground. They take too much for granted. If they would but see that they +have something to gain, something to save, as well as something to +enjoy, it would be better for them; but they proceed on the assumption +that their love is an inexhaustible tank, and not a fountain depending +for its supply on the stream that trickles into it. So, for every little +annoying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_608" id="Page_608">[Pg 608]</a></span> habit, or weakness, or fault, they draw on the tank, without +being careful to keep the supply open, till they awake one morning to +find the pump dry, and, instead of love, at best, nothing but a cold +habit of complacence. On the contrary, the more intimate friends become, +whether married or unmarried, the more scrupulously should they strive +to repress in themselves everything annoying, and to cherish both in +themselves and each other everything pleasing. While each should draw on +his love to neutralize the faults of his friend, it is suicidal to draw +on his friend's love to neutralize his own faults. Love should be +cumulative, since it can not be stationary. If it does not increase, it +decreases. Love, like confidence, is a plant of slow growth, and of most +exotic fragility. It must be constantly and tenderly cherished. Every +noxious and foreign element must be carefully removed from it. All +sunshine, and sweet airs, and morning dews, and evening showers must +breathe upon it perpetual fragrance, or it dies into a hideous and +repulsive deformity, fit only to be cast out and trodden under foot of +men, while, properly cultivated, it is a Tree of Life.</p> + +<p>Your enemy keeps clear of you, not only in business, but in society. If +circumstances thrust him into contact with you, he is curt and +centrifugal. But your friend breaks in upon your "saintly solitude" with +perfect equanimity. He never for a moment harbors a suspicion that he +can intrude, "because he is your friend." So he drops in on his way to +the office to chat half an hour over the latest news. The half-hour +isn't much in itself. If it were after dinner, you wouldn't mind it; but +after breakfast every moment "runs itself in golden sands," and the +break in your time crashes a worse break in your temper. "Are you busy?" +asks the considerate wretch, adding insult to injury. What can you do? +Say yes, and wound<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_609" id="Page_609">[Pg 609]</a></span> his self-love forever? But he has a wife and family. +You respect their feelings, smile and smile, and are villain enough to +be civil with your lips, and hide the poison of asps under your tongue, +till you have a chance to relieve your o'ercharged heart by shaking your +fist in impotent wrath at his retreating form. You will receive the +reward of your hypocrisy, as you richly deserve, for ten to one he will +drop in again when he comes back from his office, and arrest you +wandering in Dreamland in the beautiful twilight. Delighted to find that +you are neither reading nor writing,—the absurd dolt! as if a man +weren't at work unless he be wielding a sledge-hammer!—he will preach +out, and prose out, and twaddle out another hour of your golden +eventide, "because he is your friend." You don't care whether he is +judge or jury,—whether he talks sense or nonsense; you don't want him +to talk at all. You don't want him there anyway. You want to be alone. +If you don't, why are you sitting there in the deepening twilight? If +you wanted him, couldn't you send for him? Why don't you go out into the +drawing-room, where are music and lights, and gay people? What right +have I to suppose, that, because you are not using your eyes, you are +not using your brain? What right have I to set myself up as a judge of +the value of your time, and so rob you of perhaps the most delicious +hour in all your day, on pretense that it is of no use to you?—take a +pound of flesh clean out of your heart, and trip on my smiling way as if +I had not earned the gallows?</p> + +<p>And what in Heaven's name is the good of all this ceaseless talk? To +what purpose are you wearied, exhausted, dragged out and out to the very +extreme of tenuity? A sprightly badinage,—a running fire of nonsense +for half an hour,—a tramp over unfamiliar ground with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_610" id="Page_610">[Pg 610]</a></span> a familiar +guide,—a discussion of something with somebody who knows all about it, +or who, not knowing, wants to learn from you,—a pleasant interchange of +commonplaces with a circle of friends around the fire, at such hours as +you give to society: all this is not only tolerable, but +agreeable,—often positively delightful; but to have an indifferent +person, on no score but that of friendship, break into your sacred +presence, and suck your blood through indefinite cycles of time, is an +abomination. If he clatters on an indifferent subject, you can do well +enough for fifteen minutes, buoyed up by the hope that he will presently +have a fit, or be sent for, or come to some kind of an end. But when you +gradually open to the conviction that <i>vis inertiæ</i> rules the hour, and +the thing which has been is that which shall be, you wax listless; your +chariot-wheels drive heavily; your end of the pole drags in the mud, and +you speedily wallow in unmitigated disgust. If he broaches a subject on +which you have a real and deep living interest, you shrink from +unbosoming yourself to him. You feel that it would be sacrilege. He +feels nothing of the sort. He treads over your heart-strings in his +cowhide brogans, and does not see that they are not whip-cords. He pokes +his gold-headed cane in among your treasures, blind to the fact that you +are clutching both arms around them, that no gleam of flashing gold may +reveal their whereabouts to him. You draw yourself up in your shell, +projecting a monosyllabic claw occasionally as a sign of continued +vitality; but the pachyderm does not withdraw, and you gradually lower +into an indignation,—smothered, fierce, intense.</p> + +<p>Why, <i>why</i>, <span class="smcap">why</span> will people inundate their unfortunate victims with such +"weak, washy, everlasting floods?" Why will they haul everything out +into the open day?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_611" id="Page_611">[Pg 611]</a></span> Why will they make the Holy of Holies common and +unclean? Why will they be so ineffably stupid as not to see that there +is that which speech profanes? Why will they lower their drag-nets into +the unfathomable waters, in the vain attempt to bring up your pearls and +gems, whose luster would pale to ashes in the garish light, whose only +sparkle is in the deep sea-soundings? <i>Procul, O procul este, profani!</i></p> + +<p>O, the matchless power of silence! There are words that concentrate in +themselves the glory of a lifetime; but there is a silence that is more +precious than they. Speech ripples over the surface of life, but silence +sinks into its depths. Airy pleasantnesses bubble up in airy, pleasant +words. Weak sorrows quaver out their shallow being, and are not. When +the heart is cleft to its core, there is no speech nor language.</p> + +<p>Do not now, Messrs. Bores, think to retrieve your character by coming +into my house and sitting mute for two hours. Heaven forbid that your +blood should be found on my skirts! but I believe I shall kill you, if +you do. The only reason why I have not laid violent hands on you +heretofore is that your vapid talk has operated as a wire to conduct my +electricity to the receptive and kindly earth; but if you intrude upon +my magnetisms without any such life-preserver, your future in this world +is not worth a crossed sixpence. Your silence would break the reed that +your talk but bruised. The only people with whom it is a joy to sit +silent are the people with whom it is a joy to talk. Clear out!</p> + +<p>Friendship plays the mischief in the false ideas of constancy which are +generated and cherished in its name, if not by its agency. Your enemies +are intense, but temporary. Time wears off the edge of hostility. It is +the alembic in which offenses are dissolved into thin air, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_612" id="Page_612">[Pg 612]</a></span> a calm +indifference reigns in their stead. But your friends are expected to be +a permanent arrangement. They are not only a sore evil, but of long +continuance. Adhesiveness seems to be the head and front, the bones and +the blood, of their creed. It is not the direction of the quality, but +the quality itself, which they swear by. Only stick, it is no matter +what you stick to. Fall out with a man, and you can kiss and be friends +as soon as you like; the recording angel will set it down on the credit +side of his books. Fall in, and you are expected to stay in, <i>ad +infinitum, ad nauseam</i>. No matter what combination of laws got you +there, there you are, and there you must stay, for better, for worse, +till merciful death you do part,—or you are—"fickle." You find a man +entertaining for an hour, a week, a concert, a journey, and presto! you +are saddled with him forever. What preposterous absurdity! Do but look +at it calmly. You are thrown into contact with a person, and, as in duty +bound, you proceed to fathom him: for every man is a possible +revelation. In the deeps of his soul there may lie unknown worlds for +you. Consequently you proceed at once to experiment on him. It takes a +little while to get your tackle in order. Then the line begins to run +off rapidly, and your eager soul cries out, "Ah! what depth! What +perpetual calmness must be down below! What rest is here for all my +tumult! What a grand, vast nature is this!" Surely, surely, you are on +the high seas. Surely, you will not float serenely down the eternities! +But by and by there is a kink. You find that, though the line runs off +so fast, it does not go down,—it only floats out. A current has caught +it and bears it on horizontally. It does not sink plumb. You have been +deceived. Your grand Pacific Ocean is nothing but a shallow little +brook, that you can ford all the year round, if it does not utterly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_613" id="Page_613">[Pg 613]</a></span> dry +up in the summer heats, when you want it most; or, at best, it is a +fussy little tormenting river, that won't and can't sail a sloop. What +are you going to do about it? You are going to wind up your lead and +line, shoulder your birch canoe, as the old sea-kings used, and thrid +the deep forests, and scale the purple hills, till you come to water +again, when you will unroll your lead and line for another essay. Is +that fickleness? What else can you do? Must you launch your bark on the +unquiet stream, against whose pebbly bottom the keel continually grates +and rasps your nerves—simply that your reputation suffer no detriment? +Fickleness? There is no fickleness about it. You were trying an +experiment which you had every right to try. As soon as you were +satisfied, you stopped. If you had stopped sooner, you would have been +unsatisfied. If you had stopped later, you would have been dissatisfied. +It is a criminal contempt of the magnificent possibilities of life not +to lay hold of "God's occasions floating by." It is an equally criminal +perversion of them to cling tenaciously to what was only the +<i>simulacrum</i> of an occasion. A man will toil many days and nights among +the mountains to find an ingot of gold, which, found, he bears home with +infinite pains and just rejoicing; but he would be a fool who should +lade his mules with iron-pyrites to justify his labors, however severe.</p> + +<p>Fickleness! what is it, that we make such an ado about it? And what is +constancy, that it commands such usurious interest? The one is a foible +only in its relations. The other is only thus a virtue. "Fickle as the +winds" is our death-seal upon a man; but should we like our winds +unfickle? Would a perpetual northeaster lay us open to perpetual +gratitude? or is a soft south gale to be orisoned and vespered +forevermore?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_614" id="Page_614">[Pg 614]</a></span></p> + +<p>I am tired of this eternal prating of devotion and constancy. It is +senseless in itself and harmful in its tendencies. The dictate of reason +is to treat men and women as we do oranges. Suck all the juice out and +then let them go. Where is the good of keeping the peel and pulp-cells +till they get old, dry, and mouldy? Let them go, and they will help feed +the earth-worms and bugs and beetles who can hardly find existence a +continued banquet, and fertilize the earth, which will have you give +before you receive. Thus they will ultimately spring up in new and +beautiful shapes. Clung to with constancy, they stain your knife and +napkin, impart a bad odor to your dining-room, and degenerate into +something that is neither pleasant to the eye nor good for food. I +believe in a rotation of crops, morally and socially, as well as +agriculturally. When you have taken the measure of a man, when you have +sounded him and know that you can not wade in him more than ankle-deep, +when you have got out of him all that he has to yield for your soul's +sustenance and strength, what is the next thing to be done? Obviously, +pass him on; and turn you "to fresh woods and pastures new." Do you work +him an injury? By no means. Friends that are simply glued on, and don't +grow out of, are little worth. He has nothing more for you, nor you for +him; but he may be rich in juices wherewithal to nourish the heart of +another man, and their two lives, set together, may have an endosmose +and exosmose whose result shall be richness of soil, grandeur of growth, +beauty of foliage, and perfectness of fruit, while you and he would only +have languished into aridity and a stunted crab-tree.</p> + +<p>For my part, I desire to sweep off my old friends with the old year, and +begin the new with a clean record. It is a measure absolutely necessary. +The snake does not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_615" id="Page_615">[Pg 615]</a></span> put on his new skin over the old one. He sloughs off +the first, before he dons the second. He would be a very clumsy serpent, +if he did not. One can not have successive layers of friendships any +more than the snake has successive layers of skins. One must adopt some +system to guard against a congestion of the heart from plethora of +loves. I go in for the much-abused, fair-weather, skin-deep, +April-shower friends,—the friends who will drop off, if let alone,—who +must be kept awake to be kept at all,—who will talk and laugh with you +as long as it suits your respective humors and you are prosperous and +happy,—the blessed butterfly-race, who flutter about your June +mornings, and when the clouds lower, and the drops patter, and the rains +descend, and the winds blow, will spread their gay wings and float +gracefully away to sunny, southern lands, where the skies are yet blue +and the breezes violet-scented. They are not only agreeable, but deeply +wise. So long as a man keeps his streamer flying, his sails set, and his +hull above water, it is pleasant to paddle alongside; but when the sails +split, the yards crack, and the keel goes staggering down, by all means +paddle off. Why should you be submerged in his whirlpool? Will he drown +any more easily because you are drowning with him? Lung is lung. He dies +from want of air, not from want of sympathy. When a poor fellow sits +down among the ashes, the best thing his friends can do is to stand afar +off. Job bore the loss of property, children, health, with equanimity. +Satan himself found his match there; and for all his buffeting, Job +sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. But Job's three friends must +needs make an appointment together to come and mourn with him and to +comfort him, and after this Job opened his mouth, and cursed his +day,—and no wonder.</p> + +<p>Your friends have an intimate knowledge of you that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_616" id="Page_616">[Pg 616]</a></span> is astonishing to +contemplate. It is not that they know your affairs, which he who runs +may read, but they know you. From a bit of bone, Cuvier could predicate +a whole animal, even to the hide and hair. Such moral naturalists are +your dear five hundred friends. It seems to yourself that you are +immeasurably reticent. You know, of a certainty, that you project only +the smallest possible fragment of yourself. You yield your universality +to the bond of common brotherhood; but your individualism—what it is +that makes you you—withdraws itself naturally, involuntarily, +inevitably into the background,—the dim distance which their eyes can +not penetrate. But, from the fraction which you do project, they +construct another you, call it by your name, and pass it around for the +real, the actual you. You bristle with jest and laughter and wild whims, +to keep them at a distance; and they fancy this to be your every-day +equipment. They think your life holds constant carnival. It is +astonishing what ideas spring up in the heads of sensible people. There +are those who assume that a person can never have had any grief, unless +somebody has died, or he has been disappointed in love,—not knowing +that every avenue of joy lies open to the tramp of pain. They see the +flashing coronet on the queen's brow, and they infer a diamond woman, +not recking of the human heart that throbs wildly out of sight. They see +the foam-crest on the wave, and picture an Atlantic Ocean of froth, and +not the solemn sea that stands below in eternal equipoise. You turn to +them the luminous crescent of your life, and they call it the whole +round globe; and so they love you with a love that is agate, not pearl, +because what they love in you is something infinitely below the highest. +They love you level: they have never scaled your heights nor fathomed +your depths. And when they talk of you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_617" id="Page_617">[Pg 617]</a></span> as familiarly as if they had +taken out your auricles and ventricles, and turned them inside out, and +wrung them, and shaken them,—when they prate of your transparency and +openness, the abandonment with which you draw aside the curtain and +reveal the inmost thoughts of your heart,—you, who are to yourself a +miracle and a mystery, you smile inwardly, and are content. They are on +the wrong scent, and you may pursue your plans in peace. They are +indiscriminate and satisfied. They do not know the relation of what +appears to what is. If they chance to skirt along the coasts of your +Purple Island, it will be only chance, and they will not know it. You +may close your port-holes, lower your drawbridge, and make merry, for +they will never come within gunshot of the "round tower of your heart."</p> + +<p>There is no such thing as knowing a man intimately. Every soul is, for +the greater part of its mortal life, isolated from every other. Whether +it dwell in the Garden of Eden or the Desert of Sahara, it dwells alone. +Not only do we jostle against the street crowd unknowing and unknown, +but we go out and come in, we lie down and rise up, with strangers. +Jupiter and Neptune sweep the heavens not more unfamiliar to us than the +worlds that circle our own hearthstone. Day after day, and year after +year a person moves by your side; he sits at the same table; he reads +the same books; he kneels in the same church. You know every hair of his +head, every trick of his lips, every tone of his voice; you can tell him +far off by his gait. Without seeing him, you recognize his step, his +knock, his laugh. "Know him? Yes, I have known him these twenty years." +No, you don't know him. You know his gait, and hair, and voice. You know +what preacher he hears, what ticket he voted, and what were his last +year's expenses; but you don't know him.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_618" id="Page_618">[Pg 618]</a></span> He sits quietly in his chair, +but he is in the temple. You speak to him; his soul comes out into the +vestibule to answer you, and returns,—and the gates are shut; therein +you can not enter. You were discussing the state of the country; but +when you ceased, he opened a postern-gate, went down a bank, and +launched on a sea over whose waters you have no boat to sail, no star to +guide. You have loved and reverenced him. He has been your concrete of +truth and nobleness. Unwittingly you touch a secret spring, and a +Blue-Beard chamber stands revealed. You give no sign; you meet and part +as usual; but a Dead Sea rolls between you two forevermore.</p> + +<p>It must be so. Not even to the nearest and dearest can one unveil the +secret place where his soul abideth, so that there shall be no more any +winding ways or hidden chambers; but to your indifferent neighbor, what +blind alleys, and deep caverns, and inaccessible mountains! To him who +"touches the electric chain wherewith you're darkly bound," your soul +sends back an answering thrill. One little window is opened, and there +is short parley. Your ships speak each other now and then in welcome, +though imperfect communication; but immediately you strike out again +into the great, shoreless sea, over which you must sail forever alone. +You may shrink from the far-reaching solitudes of your heart, but no +other foot than yours can tread them, save those</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"That, eighteen hundred years ago, were nailed,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For our advantage, to the bitter cross."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>Be thankful that it is so,—that only His eye sees whose hand formed. If +we could look in, we should be appalled at the vision. The worlds that +glide around us are mysteries too high for us. We can not attain to +them. The naked soul is a sight too awful for man to look at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_619" id="Page_619">[Pg 619]</a></span> and live. +There are individuals whose topography we would like to know a little +better, and there is danger that we crash against each other while +roaming around in the dark; but for all that, would we not have the +constitution broken up. Somebody says, "In Heaven there will be no +secrets," which, it seems to me, would be intolerable. (If that were a +revelation from the King of Heaven, of course I would not speak +flippantly of it; but though towards Heaven we look with reverence and +humble hope, I do not know that Tom, Dick and Harry's notions of it have +any special claim to our respect.) Such publicity would destroy all +individuality, and undermine the foundations of society. +Clairvoyance—if there be any such thing—always seemed to me a stupid +impertinence. When people pay visits to me, I wish them to come to the +front door, and ring the bell, and send up their names. I don't wish +them to climb in at the window, or creep through the pantry, or, worst +of all, float through the key-hole, and catch me in undress. So I +believe that in all worlds thoughts will be the subjects of +volition,—more accurately expressed when expression is desired, but +just as entirely suppressed when we will suppression.</p> + +<p>After all, perhaps the chief trouble arises from a prevalent confusion +of ideas as to what constitutes a man your friend. Friendship may stand +for that peaceful complacence which you feel towards all well-behaved +people who wear clean collars and use tolerable grammar. This is a very +good meaning, if everybody will subscribe to it. But sundry of these +well-behaved people will mistake your civility and complacence for a +recognition of special affinity, and proceed at once to frame an +alliance offensive and defensive while the sun and the moon shall +endure. O, the barnacles that cling to your keel in such waters! The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_620" id="Page_620">[Pg 620]</a></span> +inevitable result is, that they win your intense rancor. You would feel +a genial kindliness toward them, if they would be satisfied with that; +but they lay out to be your specialty. They infer your innocent little +inch to be the standard-bearer of twenty ells, and goad you to frenzy. I +mean you, you desperate little horror, who nearly dethroned my reason +six years ago! I always meant to have my revenge, and here I impale you +before the public. For three months, you fastened yourself upon me, and +I could not shake you off. What availed it me, that you were an honest +and excellent man? Did I not, twenty times a day, wish you had been a +villain, who had insulted me, and I a Kentucky giant, that I might have +the unspeakable satisfaction of knocking you down? But you added to your +crimes virtue. Villainy had no part or lot in you. You were a member of +a church, in good and regular standing; you had graduated with all the +honors worth mentioning; you had not a sin, a vice, or a fault that I +knew of; and you were so thoroughly good and repulsive that you were a +great grief to me. Do you think, you dear, disinterested wretch, that I +have forgotten how you were continually putting yourself to horrible +inconveniences on my account? Do you think I am not now filled with +remorse for the aversion that rooted itself ineradicably in my soul, and +which now gloats over you, as you stand in the pillory where my own +hands have fastened you? But can nature be crushed forever? Did I not +ruin my nerves, and seriously injure my temper, by the overpowering +pressure I laid upon them to keep them quiet when you were by? Could I +not, by the sense of coming ill through all my quivering frame, presage +your advent as exactly as the barometer heralds the approaching storm? +Those three months of agony are little atoned for by this late +vengeance; but go in peace!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_621" id="Page_621">[Pg 621]</a></span></p> + +<p>Mysterious are the ways of friendship. It is not a matter of reason or +of choice, but of magnetisms. You can not always give the premises nor +the argument, but the conclusion is a palpable and stubborn fact. Abana +and Pharpar may be broad, and deep, and blue, and grand; but only in +Jordan shall your soul wash and be clean. A thousand brooks are born of +the sunshine and the mountains: very, very few are they whose flow can +mingle with yours, and not disturb, but only deepen and broaden the +current.</p> + +<p>Your friend! Who shall describe him, or worthily paint what he is to +you? No merchant, nor lawyer, nor farmer, nor statesman claims your +suffrage, but a kingly soul. He comes to you from God,—a prophet, a +seer, a revealer. He has a clear vision. His love is reverence. He goes +into the <i>penetralia</i> of your life,—not presumptuously, but with +uncovered head, unsandaled feet, and pours libations at the innermost +shrine. His incense is grateful. For him the sunlight brightens, the +skies grow rosy, and all the days are Junes. Wrapped in his love, you +float in a delicious rest, rocked in the bosom of purple, scented waves. +Nameless melodies sing themselves through your heart. A golden glow +suffices your atmosphere. A vague, fine ecstasy thrills to the sources +of life, and earth lays hold on Heaven. Such friendship is worship. It +elevates the most trifling services into rites. The humblest offices are +sanctified. All things are baptized into a new name. Duty is lost in +joy. Care veils itself in caresses. Drudgery becomes delight. There is +no longer anything menial, small, or servile. All is transformed</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Into something rich and strange."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>The homely household-ways lead through beds of spices<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_622" id="Page_622">[Pg 622]</a></span> and orchards of +pomegranates. The daily toil among your parsnips and carrots is plucking +May violets with the dew upon them to meet the eyes you love upon their +first awaking. In the burden and heat of the day you hear the rustling +of summer showers and the whispering of summer winds. Everything is +lifted up from the plane of labor to the plane of love, and a glory +spans your life. With your friend, speech and silence are one; for a +communion mysterious and intangible reaches across from heart to heart. +The many dig and delve in your nature with fruitless toil to find the +spring of living water: he only raises his wand, and, obedient to the +hidden power, it bends at once to your secret. Your friendship, though +independent of language, gives to it life and light. The mystic spirit +stirs even in commonplaces, and the merest question is an endearment. +You are quiet because your heart is over-full. You talk because it is +pleasant, not because you have anything to say. You weary of terms that +are already love-laden, and you go out into the highways and hedges, and +gather up the rough, wild, wilful words, heavy with the hatreds of men, +and fill them to the brim with honey-dew. All things great and small, +grand or humble, you press into your service, force them to do soldier's +duty, and your banner over them is love.</p> + +<p>With such a friendship, presence alone is happiness; nor is absence +wholly void,—for memories, and hopes, and pleasing fancies, sparkle +through the hours, and you know the sunshine will come back.</p> + +<p>For such friendship one is grateful. No matter that it comes unsought, +and comes not for the seeking. You do not discuss the reasonableness of +your gratitude. You only know that your whole being bows with humility +and utter thankfulness to him who thus crowns you monarch of all +realms.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_623" id="Page_623">[Pg 623]</a></span></p> + +<p>And the kingdom is everlasting. A weak love dies weakly with the +occasion that gave it birth; but such friendship is born of the +gods, and immortal. Clouds and darkness may sweep around it, but +within the cloud the glory lives undimmed. Death has no power over it. +Time can not diminish, nor even dishonor annul it. Its direction may +have been earthly, but itself is divine. You go back into your solitudes: +all is silent as aforetime, but you can not forget that a Voice once +resounded there. A Presence filled the valleys and gilded the +mountain-tops,—breathed upon the plains, and they sprang up in lilies +and roses,—flashed upon the waters, and they flowed to spheral +melody,—swept through the forests, and they, too, trembled into song. +And though now the warmth has faded out, though the ruddy tints and +amber clearness have paled to ashen hues, though the murmuring melodies +are dead, and forest, vale, and hill look hard and angular in the sharp +air, you know that it is not death. The fire is unquenched beneath. You +go your way not disconsolate. There needs but the Victorious Voice. At +the touch of the prince's lips, life shall rise again and be perfected +forevermore.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_624" id="Page_624">[Pg 624]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="PONCHUS_PILUT" id="PONCHUS_PILUT"></a>PONCHUS PILUT</h2> + +<h3>BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Ponchus Pilut <i>used</i> to be<br /></span> +<span class="i0">1st a <i>Slave</i>, an' now he's <i>free</i>.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Slaves wuz on'y ist before<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The War wuz—an' <i>ain't</i> no more.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He works on our place fer us,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' comes here—<i>sometimes</i> he does.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He shocks corn an' shucks it.—An'<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He makes hominy "by han'!"—<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Wunst he bringed us some, one trip,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Tied up in a piller-slip:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Pa says, when Ma cooked it, "MY!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This-here's gooder'n you <i>buy</i>!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Ponchus <i>pats</i> fer me an' sings;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' he says most <i>funny</i> things!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ponchus calls a dish a "<i>deesh</i>"—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yes, an' <i>he</i> calls fishes "<i>feesh</i>"!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When Ma want him eat wiv us<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He says, "'Skuse me—'deed you mus'!—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ponchus know good manners, Miss.—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He aint eat wher' White-folks is!"<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_625" id="Page_625">[Pg 625]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">'Lindy takes <i>his</i> dinner out<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wher' he's workin'—roun' about.—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wunst he et his dinner, spread<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In our ole wheel-borry-bed.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>Ponchus Pilut</i> says "<i>'at's</i> not<br /></span> +<span class="i0">His <i>right</i> name,—an' done fergot<br /></span> +<span class="i0">What his <i>sho'-nuff</i> name is now—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' don' matter none <i>no</i>how!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Yes, an' Ponchus he'ps Pa, too,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When our <i>butcherin's</i> to do,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' scalds hogs—an' says "Take care<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Bout it, er you'll <i>set the hair</i>!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Yes, an' out in our back-yard<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He he'ps 'Lindy rendur lard;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An', wite in the fire there, he<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Roast' a pig-tail wunst fer me.—<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">An' ist nen th'ole tavurn-bell<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Rung, down town, an' he says "Well!—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hear dat! <i>Lan' o' Canaan</i>, Son,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Aint dat bell say '<i>Pig-tail done!</i>'<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">—'<i>Pig-tail done!</i><br /></span> +<span class="i4"><i>Go call Son!—</i><br /></span> +<span class="i6"><i>Tell dat</i><br /></span> +<span class="i6"><i>Chile dat</i><br /></span> +<span class="i4"><i>Pig-tail done!</i>'"<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_626" id="Page_626">[Pg 626]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_WOLF_AT_SUSANS_DOOR" id="THE_WOLF_AT_SUSANS_DOOR"></a>THE WOLF AT SUSAN'S DOOR</h2> + +<h3>BY ANNE WARNER</h3> + + +<p>"Well, Lucy has got Hiram!"</p> + +<p>There was such a strong inflection of triumphant joy in Miss Clegg's +voice as she called the momentous news to her friend that it would have +been at once—and most truthfully—surmised that the getting of Hiram +had been a more than slight labor.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop was waiting by the fence, impatience written with a +wandering reflection all over the serenity of her every-day expression. +Susan only waited to lay aside her bonnet and mitts and then hastened to +the fence herself.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Lathrop, you never saw nor heard the like of this weddin' day in +all your own days to be or to come, and I don't suppose there ever will +be anything like it again, for Lucy Dill didn't cut no figger in her own +weddin' a-<i>tall</i>,—the whole thing was Gran'ma Mullins first, last and +forever hereafter. I tell you it looked once or twice as if it wouldn't +be a earthly possibility to marry Hiram away from his mother, and now +that it's all over people can't do anything but say as after all Lucy +ought to consider herself very lucky as things turned out, for if things +hadn't turned out as they did turn out I don't believe anything on earth +could have unhooked that son, and I'm willin' to swear that anywhere to +any one.</p> + +<p>"Do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, that Gran'ma Mullins was so bad off last +night as they had to put a mustard plaster onto her while Hiram went to +see Lucy for the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_627" id="Page_627">[Pg 627]</a></span> last time, an' Mrs. Macy says as she never hear the +beat o' her memory, for she says she'll take her Bible oath as Gran'ma +Mullins told her what Hiram said and done every minute o' his life while +he was gone to see Lucy Dill. And she cried, too, and took on the whole +time she was talkin' an' said Heaven help her, for nobody else could, +an' she just knowed Lucy'd get tired o' Hiram's story an' he can't be +happy a whole day without he tells it, an' she's most sure Lucy won't +like his singin' 'Marchin' Through Georgia' after the first month or +two, an' it's the only tune as Hiram has ever really took to. Mrs. Macy +says she soon found she couldn't do nothin' to stem the tide except to +drink tea an' listen, so she drank an' listened till Hiram come home +about eleven. Oh, my, but she says they had the time then! Gran'ma +Mullins let him in herself, and just as soon as he was in she bu'st into +floods of tears an' wouldn't let him loose under no consideration. She +says Hiram managed to get his back to the wall for a brace 'cause +Gran'ma Mullins nigh to upset him every fresh time as Lucy come over +her, an' Mrs. Macy says she couldn't but wonder what the end was goin' +to be when, toward midnight, Hiram just lost patience and dodged out +under her arm and run up the ladder to the roof-room an' they couldn't +get him to come down again. She says when Gran'ma Mullins realized as he +wouldn't come down she most went mad over the notion of her only son's +spendin' the Christmas Eve to his own weddin' sleepin' on the floor o' +the attic and she wanted to poke the cot up to him but Mrs. Macy says +she drew the line at cot-pokin' when the cot was all she'd have to sleep +on herself, and in the end they poked quilts up, an' pillows an' +doughnuts an' cider an' blankets, an' Hiram made a bed on the floor an' +they all got to sleep about three o'clock.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_628" id="Page_628">[Pg 628]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think? What <i>do</i> you think? They was so +awful tired that none of 'em woke till Mrs. Sperrit come at eleven next +day to take 'em to the weddin'! Mrs. Macy says she hopes she'll be put +forward all her back-slidin's if she ever gets such a start again. She +says when she peeked out between the blinds an' see Mrs. Sperrit's +Sunday bonnet an' realized her own state she nearly had a fit. Mrs. +Sperrit had to come in an' be explained to, an' the worst of it was as +Hiram couldn't be woke nohow. He'd pulled the ladder up after him an' +put the lid on the hole so's to feel safe, an' there he was snug as a +bug in a rug an' where no human bein' could get at him. They hollered +an' banged doors an' sharpened the carvin' knife an' poured grease on +the stove an' did anything they could think of, but he never budged. +Mrs. Macy says she never was so close beside herself in all her life +before, for Gran'ma Mullins cried worse 'n ever each minute an' Hiram +seemed like the very dead couldn't wake him.</p> + +<p>"They was all hoppin' around half crazy when Mr. Sperrit come along on +his way to the weddin' an' his wife run out an' told him what was the +matter an' he come right in an' looked up at the matter. It didn't take +long for him to unsettle Hiram, Mrs. Macy says. He got a sulphur candle +an' tied it to a stick an' h'isted the lid with another stick, an' in +less 'n two minutes they could all hear Hiram sneezin' an' comin' to. +An' Mrs. Macy says when they hollered what time it was she wishes the +whole town might have been there to see Hiram Mullins come down to +earth. Mr. Sperrit didn't hardly have time to get out o' the way an' he +didn't give his mother no show for one single grab,—he just bounced +into his room and you could have heard him gettin' dressed on the far +side o' the far bridge.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_629" id="Page_629">[Pg 629]</a></span></p> + +<p>"O' course, us at Lucy's didn't know anythin' a-<i>tall</i> about Mrs. Macy's +troubles. We had our own, Heaven help us, an' they was enough, for the +very first thing of all Mr. Dill caught his pocket on the corner of Mrs. +Dill an' come within a ace of pullin' her off her easel. That would have +been a pretty beginnin' to Lucy's weddin' day if her father had smashed +her mother to bits, I guess, but it couldn't have made Lucy any worse; +for I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as I never see no one in all my born life +act foolisher than Lucy Dill this day. First she'd laugh an' then she'd +cry an' then she'd lose suthin' as we'd got to have to work with. An' +when it come to dressin' her!—well, if she'd known as Hiram was +sleepin' a sleep as next to knowed no wakin' she couldn't have put on +more things wrong side out an' hind side before! She wasn't dressed till +most every one was there an' I was gettin' pretty anxious, for Hiram +wasn't there neither, an' the more fidgety people got the more they +caught their corners on Mrs. Dill. I just saved her from Mr. Kimball, +an' Amelia saw her goin' as a result o' Judge Fitch an' hardly had time +for a jump. The minister himself was beginnin' to cough when, all of a +sudden, some one cried as the Sperrits was there.</p> + +<p>"Well, we all squeezed to the window, an' such a sight you never saw. +They was gettin' Gran'ma Mullins out an' Hiram was tryin' to keep her +from runnin' the color of his cravat all down his shirt while she was +sobbin' 'Hi-i-i-i-ram, Hi-i-i-i-i-ram,' in a voice as would wring your +very heart dry. They got her out an' got her in an' got her upstairs, +an' we all sat down an' begin to get ready while Amelia played 'Lead, +Kindly Light' and 'The Joyous Farmer' alternate, 'cause she'd mislaid +her Weddin' March.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never knowed nothin' like<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_630" id="Page_630">[Pg 630]</a></span> it!—we waited, +<i>an'</i> we waited, <i>an'</i> we waited, an' the minister most coughed himself +into consumption, an' Mrs. Dill got caught on so often that Mr. Kimball +told Ed to stand back of her an' hold her to the easel every minute. +Amelia was just beginning over again for the seventeenth time when at +last we heard 'em bumpin' along downstairs. Seems as all the delay come +from Lucy's idea o' wantin' to walk with her father an' have a weddin' +procession, instid o' her an' Hiram comin' in together like Christians +an' lettin' Mr. Dill hold Gran'ma Mullins up anywhere. Polly says she +never see such a time as they had of it; she says fightin' wolves was +layin' lambs beside the way they talked. Hiram said frank an' open as +the reason he didn't want to walk in with his mother was he was sure she +wouldn't let him out to get married, but Lucy was dead set on the +procession idea. So in the end they done it so, an' Gran'ma Mullins's +sobs fairly shook the house as they come through the dinin'-room door. +Lucy was first with her father an' they both had their heads turned +backward lookin' at Hiram an' his mother.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, it was certainly a sight worth seem'! The way that +Gran'ma Mullins was glued on! All I can say is as octopuses has got +their backs turned in comparison to the way that Hiram seemed to be all +wrapped up in her. It looked like wild horses, not to speak of Lucy +Dill, wouldn't never be able to get him loose enough to marry him. The +minister was scared; we was all scared. I never see a worse situation to +be in.</p> + +<p>"They come along through the back parlor, Lucy lookin' back, Mr. Dill +white as a sheet, an' Hiram walkin' like a snow-plough as isn't sure how +long it can keep on makin' it. It seemed like a month as they was under +way before they finally got stopped in front o' the minister. An' then +come <i>the</i> time! Hiram had to step beside Lucy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_631" id="Page_631">[Pg 631]</a></span> an' take her hand an' he +couldn't! We all just gasped. There was Hiram tryin' to get loose and +Mr. Dill tryin' to help him. Gran'ma Mullins's tears dripped till you +could hear 'em, but she hung on to Hiram like he'd paid for it. They +worked like Trojan beavers, but as fast as they'd get one side of him +uncovered she'd take a fresh wind-round. I tell you, we all just held +our breath, and I bet Lucy was sorry she persisted in havin' a +procession when she see the perspiration runnin' off her father an' +Hiram.</p> + +<p>"Finally Polly got frightened and begun to cry, an' at that the deacon +put his arm around her an' give her a hug, an' Gran'ma Mullins looked up +just in time to see the arm an' the hug. It seemed like it was the last +hay in the donkey, for she give a weak screech an' went right over on +Mr. Dill. She had such a grip on Hiram that if it hadn't been for Lucy +he'd have gone over, too, but Lucy just hung on herself that time, an' +Hiram was rescued without nothin' worse than his hair mussed an' one +sleeve a little tore. Mr. Sperrit an' Mr. Jilkins carried Gran'ma +Mullins into the dinin'-room, an' I said to just leave her fainted till +after we'd got Hiram well an' truly married; so they did.</p> + +<p>"I never see the minister rattle nothin' through like that +marriage-service. Every one was on whole papers of pins an' needles, an' +the minute it was over every one just felt like sittin' right straight +down.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Macy an' me went up an' watered Gran'ma Mullins till we brought +her to, and when she learned as it was all done she picked up wonderful +and felt as hungry as any one, an' come downstairs an' kissed Lucy an' +caught a corner on Mrs. Dill just like she'd never been no trouble to no +one from first to last. I never seen such a sudden change in all my +life; it was like some miracle had come<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_632" id="Page_632">[Pg 632]</a></span> out all over her and there +wasn't no one there as wasn't rejoiced to death over the change.</p> + +<p>"We all went out in the dinin'-room and the sun shone in and every one +laughed over nothin' a-<i>tall</i>. Mrs. Sperrit pinned Hiram up from inside +so his tear didn't show, and Lucy and he set side by side and looked +like no one was ever goin' to ever be married again. Polly an' the +deacon set opposite and the minister an' his wife an' Mr. Dill an' +Gran'ma Mullins made up the table. The rest stood around, and we was all +as lively as words can tell. The cake was one o' the handsomest as I +ever see, two pigeons peckin' a bell on top and Hiram an' Lucy runnin' +around below in pink. There was a dime inside an' a ring, an' I got the +dime, an' they must have forgot to put in the ring for no one got it."</p> + +<p>Susan paused and panted.</p> + +<p>"It was—" commented Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.</p> + +<p>"Nice that I got the dime?—yes, I should say. There certainly wasn't no +one there as needed it worse, an', although I'd never be one to call a +dime a fortune, still it <i>is</i> a dime, an' no one can't deny it the +honor, no matter how they feel. But, Mrs. Lathrop, what you'd ought to +have seen was Hiram and Lucy ready to go off. I bet no one knows they're +brides—I bet no one knows <i>what</i> they are,—you never saw the like in +all your worst dreams. Hiram wore spectacles an' carpet-slippers an' +that old umbrella as Mr. Shores keeps at the store to keep from bein' +stole, and Lucy wore clothes she'd found in trunks an' her hair in +curl-papers, an' her cold-cream gloves. They certainly was a sight, an' +Gran'ma Mullins laughed as hard as any one over them. Mr. Sperrit drove +'em to the train, an' Hiram says he's goin' to spend two dollars a day +right along till he comes back; so I guess Lucy'll have a good time for +once in her life. An' Gran'ma Mullins walked<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_633" id="Page_633">[Pg 633]</a></span> back with me an' not one +word o' Hiram did she speak. She was all Polly an' the deacon. She said +it wa'n't in reason as Polly could imagine him with hair, an' she said +she was thinkin' very seriously o' givin' her a piece o' his hair as +she's got, for a weddin' present. She said Polly 'd never know what he +was like the night he give her that hair. She said the moon was shinin' +an' the frogs were croakin', an' she kind o' choked; she says she can't +smell a marsh to this day without seein' the deacon givin' her that +piece of hair. I cheered her up all I could—I told her anyhow he +couldn't give Polly a piece of his hair if he died for it. She smiled a +weak smile an' went on up to Mrs. Brown's. Mrs. Brown asked her to stay +with her a day or two. Mrs. Brown has her faults, but nobody can't deny +as she's got a good heart,—in fact, sometimes I think Mrs. Brown's good +heart is about the worst fault she's got. I've knowed it lead her to do +very foolish things time an' again—things as I thank my star I'd never +think o' doin'—not in this world."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop shifted her elbows a little; Susan withdrew at once from +the fence.</p> + +<p>"I must go in," she said, "to-morrow is goin' to be a more 'n full day. +There's Polly's weddin' an' then in the evenin' Mr. Weskin is comin' up. +You needn't look surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, because I've thought the +subject over up an' down an' hind end foremost an' there ain't nothin' +left for me to do. I can't sell nothin' else an' I've got to have money, +so I'm goin' to let go of one of those bonds as father left me. There +ain't no way out of it; I told Mr. Weskin I'd expect him at sharp eight +on sharp business an' he'll come. An' I must go as a consequence. Good +night."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Polly Allen's wedding took place the next day, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_634" id="Page_634">[Pg 634]</a></span> Mrs. Lathrop came +out on her front piazza about half past five to wait for her share in +the event.</p> + +<p>The sight of Mrs. Brown going by with her head bound up in a white +cloth, accompanied by Gran'ma Mullins with both hands similarly treated, +was the first inkling the stay-at-home had that strange doings had been +lately done.</p> + +<p>Susan came next and Susan was a sight!</p> + +<p>Not only did her ears stand up with a size and conspicuousness never +inherited from either her father or her mother, but also her right eye +was completely closed and she walked lame.</p> + +<p>"The Lord have mercy!" cried Mrs. Lathrop, when the full force of her +friend's affliction effected its complete entrance into her +brain,—"Why, Susan, what—"</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg, "all I can say is I come out better +than the most of 'em, an' if you could see Sam Duruy or Mr. Kimball or +the minister you'd know I spoke the truth. The deacon an' Polly is both +in bed an' can't see how each other looks, an' them as has a eye is +goin' to tend them as can't see at all, an' God help 'em all if young +Dr. Brown an' the mud run dry!" with which pious ejaculation Susan +painfully mounted the steps and sat down with exceeding gentleness upon +a chair.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop stared at her in dumb and wholly bewildered amazement. +After a while Miss Clegg continued.</p> + +<p>"It was all the deacon's fault. Him an' Polly was so dead set on bein' +fashionable an' bein' a contrast to Hiram an' Lucy, an' I hope to-night +as they lay there all puffed up as they'll reflect on their folly an' +think a little on how the rest of us as didn't care rhyme or reason for +folly is got no choice but to puff up, too. Mrs. Jilkins is awful mad; +she says Mr. Jilkins wanted to wear his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_635" id="Page_635">[Pg 635]</a></span> straw hat anyhow and, she says +she always has hated his silk hat 'cause it reminds her o' when she was +young and foolish enough to be willin' to go and marry into a family as +was foolish enough to marry into Deacon White. Mrs. Jilkins is extra hot +because she got one in the neck, but my own idea is as Polly Allen's +weddin' was the silliest doin's as I ever see from the beginnin', an' +the end wan't no more than might o' been expected—all things +considered.</p> + +<p>"When I got to the church, what do you think was the first thing as I +see, Mrs. Lathrop? Well, you'd never guess till kingdom come, so I may +as well tell you. It was Ed an' Sam Duruy an' Henry Ward Beecher an' +Johnny standin' there waitin' to show us to our pews like we didn't know +our own pews after sittin' in 'em for all our life-times! I just shook +my head an' walked to my pew, an' there, if it wasn't looped shut with a +daisy-chain! Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could have been there to +have felt for me, for I may remark as a cyclone is a caterpillar wove up +in hisself beside my face when I see myself daisy-chained out o' my own +pew by Polly Allen. Ed was behind me an' he whispered 'That's reserved +for the family.' I give him one look an' I will state, Mrs. Lathrop, as +he wilted. It didn't take me long to break that daisy-chain an' sit down +in that pew, an' I can assure you as no one asked me to get up again. +Mrs. Jilkins's cousins from Meadville come an' looked at me sittin' +there, but I give them jus' one look back an' they went an' sat with +Mrs. Macy themselves. A good many other folks was as surprised as me +over where they had to sit, but we soon had other surprises as took the +taste o' the first clean out o' our mouths.</p> + +<p>"Just as Mrs. Davison begin to play the organ, Ed an' Johnny come down +with two clothes-lines wound<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_636" id="Page_636">[Pg 636]</a></span> 'round with clematis an' tied us all in +where we sat. Then they went back an' we all stayed still an' couldn't +but wonder what under the sun was to be done to us next. But we didn't +have long to wait, an' I will say as anythin' to beat Polly's ideas I +never see—no—nor no one else neither.</p> + +<p>"'Long down the aisle, two an' two, an' hand in hand, like they thought +they was suthin' pretty to look at, come Ed an' Johnny an' Henry Ward +Beecher an' Sam Duruy, an' I vow an' declare, Mrs. Lathrop, I never was +so nigh to laughin' in church in all my life. They knowed they was +funny, too, an' their mouths an' eyes was tight set sober, but some one +in the back just <i>had</i> to giggle, an' when we heard it we knew as things +as wasn't much any other day would use us up this day, sure. They +stopped in front an' lined up, two on a side, an' then, for all the +world like it was a machine-play, the little door opened an' out come +the minister an' solemnly walked down to between them. I must say we was +all more than a little disappointed at its only bein' the minister, an' +he must have felt our feelin's, for he began to cough an' clear up his +throat an' his little desk all at once. Then Mrs. Davison jerked out the +loud stop an' began to play for all she was worth, an' the door behind +banged an' every one turned aroun' to see.</p> + +<p>"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we saw,—an' I will in truth remark as such a +sawin' we'll never probably get a chance to do again! Mrs. Sweet says +they practised it over four times at the church, so they can't deny as +they meant it all, an' you might lay me crossways an' cut me into +chipped beef an' still I would declare as I wouldn't have the face to +own to havin' had any hand in plannin' any such weddin'.</p> + +<p>"First come 'Liza Em'ly an' Rachel Rebecca hand in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_637" id="Page_637">[Pg 637]</a></span> hand carryin' +daisies—of all things in the world to take to a weddin'—an' then come +Brunhilde Susan, with a daisy-chain around her neck an' her belt stuck +full o' daisies an'—you can believe me or not, jus' as you please, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' still it won't help matters any—an' a daisy stuck in every +button down her back, an' daisies tangled up in her hair, an' a bunch o' +daisies under one arm.</p> + +<p>"Well, we was nigh to overcome by Brunhilde Susan, but we drawed some +fresh breath an' kept on lookin', an' next come Polly an' Mr. Allen. I +will say for Mr. Allen as he seemed to feel the ridiculousness of it +all, for a redder man I never see, nor one as looked more uncomfortable. +He was daisied, too—had three in his button-hole;—but what took us all +was the way him an' Polly walked. I bet no people gettin' married ever +zig-zagged like that before, an' Mrs. Sweet says they practised it by +countin' two an' then swingin' out to one side, an' then countin' two +an' swingin' out to the other—she watched 'em out of her attic window +down through the broke blind to the church. Well, all I can say is, that +to my order o' thinkin' countin' an' swingin' is a pretty frame o' mind +to get a husband in, but so it was, an' we was all starin' our eyes off +to beat the band when the little door opened an', to crown everythin' +else, out come the deacon an' Mr. Jilkins, each with a daisy an' a silk +hat, an' I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as new-born kittens is blood-red +murderers compared to how innocent that hat o' Mr. Jilkins' looked. Any +one could see as it wasn't new, but he wasn't new either, as far as that +goes, an' that was what struck me in particular about the whole +thing—nothin' an' nobody wasn't any different only for Polly's +foolishness and the daisies.</p> + +<p>"Well, they sorted out an' begun to get married, an'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_638" id="Page_638">[Pg 638]</a></span> us all sittin' +lookin' on an' no more guessin' what was comin' next than a ant looks +for a mornin' paper. The minister was gettin' most through an' the +deacon was gettin' out the ring, an' we was lookin' to get up an' out +pretty quick, when—my heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I never will forget +that minute—when Mr. Jilkins—poor man, he's sufferin' enough for it, +Lord knows!—when Mr. Jilkins dropped his hat!</p> + +<p>"That very next second him an' Ed an' Brunhilde Susan all hopped an' +yelled at once, an' the next thing we see was the minister droppin' his +book an' grabbin' his arm an' the deacon tryin' madly to do hisself up +in Polly's veil. We would 'a' all been glum petrified at such goin's on +any other day, only by that time the last one of us was feelin' to hop +and grab an' yell on his own account. Gran'ma Mullins was tryin' to slap +herself with the seat cushion, an' the way the daisies flew as folks +went over an' under that clematis rope was a caution. I got out as quick +as I—"</p> + +<p>"But what—" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop, her eyes fairly marble-like in +their redundant curiosity.</p> + +<p>"It was wasps!" said Susan, "it was a young wasps' nest in Mr. Jilkins's +hat. Seems they carried their hats to church in their hands 'cause Polly +didn't want no red rings around 'em, an' so he never suspected nothin' +till he dropped it. An' oh, poor little Brunhilde Susan in them short +skirts of hers—she might as well have wore a bee hive as to be like she +is now. I got off easy, an' you can look at me an' figure on what them +as got it hard has got on them. Young Dr. Brown went right to work with +mud an' Polly's veil an' plastered 'em over as fast as they could get +into Mrs. Sweet's. Mrs. Sweet was mighty obligin' an' turned two +flower-beds inside out an' let every one scoop with her kitchen spoons, +besides run<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_639" id="Page_639">[Pg 639]</a></span>nin' aroun' herself like she was a slave gettin' paid. They +took the deacon an' Polly right to their own house. They can't see one +another anyhow, an' they was most all married anyway, so it didn't seem +worth while to wait till the minister gets the use of his upper lip +again."</p> + +<p>"Why—" interrogated Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Young Dr. Brown wanted to," said Susan, "he wanted to fill my ears with +mud, an' my eye, too, but I didn't feel to have it done. You can't die +o' wasps' bills, an' you can o' young Dr. Brown's—leastways when you +ain't got no money to pay 'em, like I ain't got just at present."</p> + +<p>"It's—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Susan, "it struck me that way, too. This seems to be a very +unlucky town. Anything as comes seems to catch us all in a bunch. The +cow most lamed the whole community an' the automobile most broke its +back; time'll tell what'll be the result o' these wasps, but there won't +be no church Sunday for one thing, I know.</p> + +<p>"An' it ain't the least o' my woes, Mrs. Lathrop, to think as I've got +to sit an' smile on Mr. Weskin to-night from between two such ears as +I've got, for a man is a man, an' it can't be denied as a woman as is +mainly ears ain't beguilin'. Besides, I may in confidence state to you, +Mrs. Lathrop, as the one as buzzed aroun' my head wan't really no wasp +a-<i>tall</i> in comparison to the one as got under my skirts."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop's eyes were full of sincere condolence; she did not even +imagine a smile as she gazed upon her afflicted friend.</p> + +<p>"I must go," said the latter, rising with a groan, "seems like I never +will reach the bottom o' my troubles this year. I keep thinkin' there's +nothin' left an' then I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_640" id="Page_640">[Pg 640]</a></span> get a wasp at each end at once. Well, I'll come +over when Mr. Weskin goes—if I have strength."</p> + +<p>Then she limped home.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>It was about nine that night that she returned and pounded vigorously on +her friend's window-pane. Mrs. Lathrop woke from her rocker-nap, went to +the window and opened it. Susan stood below and the moon illuminated her +smile and her ears with its most silvery beams.</p> + +<p>"He's just gone!" she announced.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, rubbing her eyes.</p> + +<p>"He's gone; I come over to tell you."</p> + +<p>"What—" said Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"I wouldn't care if my ears was as big as a elephant's now."</p> + +<p>"Why—" asked Mrs. Lathrop.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Lathrop, you know as I took them bonds straight after father died +an' locked 'em up an' I ain't never unlocked 'em since?"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop assented with a single rapt nod.</p> + +<p>"Well, when I explained to Mr. Weskin as I'd got to have money an' how +was the best way to sell a bond, he just looked at me, an' what do you +think he said—what <i>do</i> you think he said, Mrs. Lathrop?"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Lathrop hung far out over the window-sill—her gaze was the gaze of +the ever earnest and interested.</p> + +<p>Susan stood below. Her face was aglow with the joy of the affluent—her +very voice might have been for once entitled as silvery.</p> + +<p>"He said, Mrs. Lathrop, he said, 'Miss Clegg, why don't you go down to +the bank and cut your coupons?'"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_641" id="Page_641">[Pg 641]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_TWO_PRISONERS" id="THE_TWO_PRISONERS"></a>THE TWO PRISONERS</h2> + +<h3>BY CAROLYN WELLS</h3> + + +<p>Once upon a time there were two Prisoners at the bar, who endeavored to +plead for themselves with Tact and Wisdom.</p> + +<p>One concealed certain Facts prejudicial to his Cause; upon which the +Judge said: "If you had Confessed the Truth it would have Biased me in +your Favor; as it is, I Condemn you to Punishment."</p> + +<p>The other stated his Case with absolute Truth and Sincerity, concealing +Nothing; and the result was that he was Condemned for his Misdemeanors.</p> + + +<h3>MORALS:</h3> + +<p>This Fable teaches that Honesty is the Best Policy, and that the Truth +should not Be spoken at All Times.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_642" id="Page_642">[Pg 642]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_MODERN_ADVANTAGE" id="A_MODERN_ADVANTAGE"></a>A MODERN ADVANTAGE</h2> + +<h3>BY CHARLOTTE BECKER</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">One morning, when the sun shone bright<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And all the earth was fair,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I met a little city child,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Whose ravings rent the air.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I lucidly can penetrate<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Which," I heard him say,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"The How is, wonderfully, come<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To clear the limpid way.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"The sentence, rarely, rose and fell<br /></span> +<span class="i2">From ceiling to the floor;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Her words were spotlessly arranged,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">She gave me, strangely, more."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"What troubles you, my little man?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I dared to ask him then,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He fixed me with a subtle stare,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And said, "Most clearly, when<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"You see I'm occupied, it's rude<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To question of my aims—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm going to the adverb school<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of Mr. Henry James!"<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_643" id="Page_643">[Pg 643]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_RAGGEDY_MAN" id="THE_RAGGEDY_MAN"></a>THE RAGGEDY MAN</h2> + +<h3>BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">O the Raggedy Man! He works fer Pa;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' he's the goodest man ever you saw!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He comes to our house every day,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' waters the horses, an' feeds 'em hay;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' he opens the shed—an' we all ist laugh<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When he drives out our little old wobble-ly calf;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' nen—ef our hired girl says he can—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He milks the cow fer 'Lizabuth Ann.—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Aint he a' awful good Raggedy Man?<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">W'y, The Raggedy Man—he's ist so good<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He splits the kindlin' an' chops the wood;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' nen he spades in our garden, too,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' does most things 'at <i>boys</i> can't do!—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He clumbed clean up in our big tree<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' shooked a' apple down fer me—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' nother'n, too, fer 'Lizabuth Ann—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' nother'n, too, fer The Raggedy Man.—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Aint he a' awful kind Raggedy Man?<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">An' The Raggedy Man, he knows most rhymes<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' tells 'em, ef I be good, sometimes:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Knows 'bout Giunts, an' Griffuns, an' Elves,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' the Squidgicum-Squees 'at swallers therselves!<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_644" id="Page_644">[Pg 644]</a></span> +<span class="i0">An', wite by the pump in our pasture-lot,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He showed me the hole 'at the Wunks is got,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'At lives 'way deep in the ground, an' can<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Turn into me, er 'Lizabuth Ann!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Aint he a funny old Raggedy Man?<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The Raggedy Man—one time when he<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wuz makin' a little bow-'n'-orry fer me,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Says "When <i>you're</i> big like your Pa is,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Air you go' to keep a fine store like his—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' be a rich merchunt—an' wear fine clothes?—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Er what <i>air</i> you go' to be, goodness knows!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' nen he laughed at 'Lizabuth Ann,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' I says "'M go' to be a Raggedy Man!—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm ist go' to be a nice Raggedy Man!"<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man!<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_645" id="Page_645">[Pg 645]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_MODERN_ECLOGUE" id="A_MODERN_ECLOGUE"></a>A MODERN ECLOGUE</h2> + +<h3>BY BLISS CARMAN</h3> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">She</span></h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If you were ferryman at Charon's ford,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And I came down the bank and called to you,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Waved you my hand and asked to come aboard,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And threw you kisses there, what would you do?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Would there be such a crowd of other girls,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Pleading and pale and lonely as the sea,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You'd growl in your old beard, and shake your curls,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And say there was no room for little me?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Would you remember each of them in turn?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Put all your faded fancies in the bow,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And all the rest before you in the stern,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And row them out with panic on your brow?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If I came down and offered you my fare<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And more beside, could you refuse me there?<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">He</span></h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If I were ferryman in Charon's place,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And ran that crazy scow with perilous skill,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I should be so worn out with keeping trace<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of gibbering ghosts and bidding them sit still,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_646" id="Page_646">[Pg 646]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If you should come with daisies in your hands,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Strewing their petals on the sombre stream,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"He will come," and "He won't come," down the lands<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of pallid reverie and ghostly dream,—<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I would let every clamouring shape stand there,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And give its shadowy lungs free vent in vain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While you with earthly roses in your hair,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And I grown young at sight of you again,<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Went down the stream once more at half-past seven<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To find some brand-new continent of heaven.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_647" id="Page_647">[Pg 647]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_CABLE-CAR_PREACHER" id="A_CABLE-CAR_PREACHER"></a>A CABLE-CAR PREACHER</h2> + +<h3>BY SAM WALTER FOSS</h3> + + +<h3>I</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"'Tis strange how thoughtless people are,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A man said in a cable-car,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"How careless and how thoughtless," said<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Loud Man in the cable-car;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And then the Man with One Lame Leg<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said softly, "Pardon me, I beg,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For your valise is on my knee;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's sore," said he of One Lame Leg.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>II</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">A woman then came in with twins<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And stumbled o'er the Loud Man's shins;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And she was tired half to death,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">This Woman Who Came in with Twins;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And then the Man with One Lame Leg<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said, "Madam, take my seat, I beg."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She sat, with her vociferant Twins,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And thanked the man of One Lame Leg.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_648" id="Page_648">[Pg 648]</a></span></div></div> + + +<h3>III</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">"'Tis strange how selfish people are,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">They carry boorishness so far;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">How selfish, careless, thoughtless," said<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Loud Man of the cable-car.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A Man then with the Lung Complaint<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Grew dizzy and began to faint;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He reeled and swayed from side to side,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">This poor Man with the Lung Complaint.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>IV</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">The Woman Who Came in with Twins<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said, "You can hardly keep your pins;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Pray, take my seat." He sat, and thanked<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Woman Who Came in with Twins.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Loud Man once again began<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To curse the selfishness of man;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Our lack of manners he bewailed<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With vigor, did this Loud, Loud Man.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>V</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">But still the Loud Man kept his seat;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A Blind Man stumbled o'er his feet;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The Loud Man preached on selfishness,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And preached, and preached, and kept his seat.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The poor Man with the Lung Complaint<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Stood up—a brave, heroic saint—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And to the Blind Man, "Take my seat,"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said he who had the Lung Complaint.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_649" id="Page_649">[Pg 649]</a></span></div></div> + + +<h3>VI</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">The Loud Man preached on selfish sins;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Woman Who Came in with Twins;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The poor Man with the Lung Complaint,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Stood, while he preached on selfish sins.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And still the Man with One Lame Leg<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Stood there on his imperfect peg<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And heard the screed on selfish sins—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">This patient Man with One Lame Leg.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>VII</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i2">The Loud Man of the cable-car<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Sat still and preached and traveled far;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The Blind Man spake no word unto<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Loud Man of the cable-car.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The Lame-Legged Man looked reconciled,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And she with Twins her grief beguiled,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The poor Man with the Lung Complaint—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All stood, and sweetly, sadly smiled.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_650" id="Page_650">[Pg 650]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="HOW_TO_KNOW_THE_WILD_ANIMALS" id="HOW_TO_KNOW_THE_WILD_ANIMALS"></a>HOW TO KNOW THE WILD ANIMALS</h2> + +<h3>BY CAROLYN WELLS</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If ever you should go by chance<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To jungles in the East,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And if there should to you advance<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A large and tawny beast—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If he roar at you as you're dyin',<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You'll know it is the Asian Lion.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If, when in India loafing round,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A noble wild beast meets you,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With dark stripes on a yellow ground,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Just notice if he eats you.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">This simple rule may help you learn<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The Bengal Tiger to discern.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When strolling forth, a beast you view<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Whose hide with spots is peppered;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As soon as it has leapt on you,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You'll know it is the Leopard.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'T will do no good to roar with pain,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He'll only lep and lep again.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">If you are sauntering round your yard,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And meet a creature there<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who hugs you very, very hard,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You'll know it is the Bear.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If you have any doubt, I guess<br /></span> +<span class="i2">He'll give you just one more caress.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_651" id="Page_651">[Pg 651]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Whene'er a quadruped you view<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Attached to any tree,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It may be 'tis the Wanderoo,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or yet the Chimpanzee.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If right side up it may be both,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If upside down it is the Sloth.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Though to distinguish beasts of prey<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A novice might nonplus;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet from the Crocodile you may<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Tell the Hyena, thus:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis the Hyena if it smile;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">If weeping, 'tis the Crocodile.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The true Chameleon is small—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A lizard sort of thing;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He hasn't any ears at all<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And not a single wing.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If there is nothing on the tree<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'Tis the Chameleon you see.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_652" id="Page_652">[Pg 652]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="I_REMEMBER_I_REMEMBER" id="I_REMEMBER_I_REMEMBER"></a>I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER</h2> + +<h3>BY PHŒBE CARY</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I remember, I remember,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The house where I was wed,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the little room from which that night,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My smiling bride was led.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She didn't come a wink too soon,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Nor make too long a stay;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But now I often wish her folks<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Had kept the girl away!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I remember, I remember,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Her dresses, red and white,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Her bonnets and her caps and cloaks,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">They cost an awful sight!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The "corner lot" on which I built,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And where my brother met<br /></span> +<span class="i0">At first my wife, one washing-day,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That man is single yet!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I remember, I remember,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Where I was used to court,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And thought that all of married life<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Was just such pleasant sport:—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">My spirit flew in feathers then,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">No care was on my brow;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I scarce could wait to shut the gate,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm not so anxious now!<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_653" id="Page_653">[Pg 653]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I remember, I remember,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My dear one's smile and sigh;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I used to think her tender heart<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Was close against the sky.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It was a childish ignorance,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But now it soothes me not<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To know I'm farther off from Heaven<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Then when she wasn't got.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_654" id="Page_654">[Pg 654]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_COUPON_BONDS" id="THE_COUPON_BONDS"></a>THE COUPON BONDS</h2> + +<h3>BY J.T. TROWBRIDGE</h3> + + +<p>(Mr. and Mrs. Ducklow have secretly purchased bonds with money that +should have been given to their adopted son Reuben, who has sacrificed +his health in serving his country as a soldier, and, going to visit +Reuben on the morning of his return home, they hide the bonds under the +carpet of the sitting-room, and leave the house in charge of Taddy, +another adopted son.)</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Mr. Ducklow had scarcely turned the corner of the street, when, looking +anxiously in the direction of his homestead, he saw a column of smoke. +It was directly over the spot where he knew his house to be situated. He +guessed at a glance what had happened. The frightful catastrophe he +foreboded had befallen. Taddy had set the house afire.</p> + +<p>"Them bonds! them bonds!" he exclaimed, distractedly. He did not think +so much of the house: house and furniture were insured; if they were +burned the inconvenience would be great indeed, and at any other time +the thought of such an event would have been a sufficient cause for +trepidation; but now his chief, his only anxiety was the bonds. They +were not insured. They would be a dead loss. And, what added sharpness +to his pangs, they would be a loss which he must keep a secret, as he +had kept their existence a secret,—a loss which he could not confess, +and of which he could not complain. Had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_655" id="Page_655">[Pg 655]</a></span> he not just given his neighbors +to understand that he had no such property? And his wife,—was she not +at that very moment, if not serving up a lie upon the subject, at least +paring the truth very thin indeed?</p> + +<p>"A man would think," observed Ferring, "that Ducklow had some o' them +bonds on his hands, and got scaret, he took such a sudden start. He has, +hasn't he, Mrs. Ducklow?"</p> + +<p>"Has what?" said Mrs. Ducklow, pretending ignorance.</p> + +<p>"Some o' them cowpon bonds. I rather guess he's got some."</p> + +<p>"You mean Gov'ment bonds? Ducklow got some? 'Tain't at all likely he'd +spec'late in them without saying something to <i>me</i> about it. No, he +couldn't have any without my knowing it, I'm sure."</p> + +<p>How demure, how innocent she looked, plying her knitting-needle, and +stopping to take up a stitch! How little at that moment she knew of +Ducklow's trouble and its terrible cause!</p> + +<p>Ducklow's first impulse was to drive on and endeavor at all hazards to +snatch the bonds from the flames. His next was to return and alarm his +neighbors and obtain their assistance. But a minute's delay might be +fatal: so he drove on, screaming, "Fire! fire!" at the top of his voice.</p> + +<p>But the old mare was a slow-footed animal; and Ducklow had no whip. He +reached forward and struck her with the reins.</p> + +<p>"Git up! git up!—Fire! fire!" screamed Ducklow. "Oh, them bonds! them +bonds! Why didn't I give the money to Reuben? Fire! fire! fire!"</p> + +<p>By dint of screaming and slapping, he urged her from a trot into a +gallop, which was scarcely an improvement<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_656" id="Page_656">[Pg 656]</a></span> as to speed, and certainly +not as to grace. It was like the gallop of an old cow. "Why don't ye go +'long?" he cried, despairingly.</p> + +<p>Slap! slap! He knocked his own hat off with the loose end of the reins. +It fell under the wheels. He cast one look behind, to satisfy himself +that it had been very thoroughly run over and crushed into the dirt, and +left it to its fate.</p> + +<p>Slap! slap! "Fire! fire!" Canter, canter, canter! Neighbors looked out +of their windows, and, recognizing Ducklow's wagon and old mare in such +an astonishing plight, and Ducklow himself, without his hat, rising from +his seat and reaching forward in wild attitudes, brandishing the reins, +and at the same time rending the azure with yells, thought he must be +insane.</p> + +<p>He drove to the top of the hill, and, looking beyond, in expectation of +seeing his house wrapped in flames, discovered that the smoke proceeded +from a brush-heap which his neighbor Atkins was burning in a field near +by.</p> + +<p>The revulsion of feeling that ensued was almost too much for the +excitable Ducklow. His strength went out of him. For a little while +there seemed to be nothing left of him but tremor and cold sweat. +Difficult as it had been to get the old mare in motion, it was now even +more difficult to stop her.</p> + +<p>"Why, what has got into Ducklow's old mare? She's running away with him! +Who ever heard of such a thing!" And Atkins, watching the ludicrous +spectacle from his field, became almost as weak from laughter as Ducklow +was from the effects of fear.</p> + +<p>At length Ducklow succeeded in checking the old mare's speed and in +turning her about. It was necessary to drive back for his hat. By this +time he could hear a chorus of shouts, "Fire! fire! fire!" over the +hill. He had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_657" id="Page_657">[Pg 657]</a></span> aroused the neighbors as he passed, and now they were +flocking to extinguish the flames.</p> + +<p>"A false alarm! a false alarm!" said Ducklow, looking marvelously +sheepish, as he met them. "Nothing but Atkins's brush-heap!"</p> + +<p>"Seems to me you ought to have found that out 'fore you raised all +creation with your yells!" said one hyperbolical fellow. "You looked +like the Flying Dutchman! This your hat? I thought 'twas a dead cat in +the road. No fire! no fire!"—turning back to his comrades,—"only one +of Ducklow's jokes."</p> + +<p>Nevertheless, two or three boys there were who would not be convinced, +but continued to leap up, swing their caps, and scream "Fire!" against +all remonstrance. Ducklow did not wait to enter his explanations, but, +turning the old mare about again, drove home amid the laughter of the +by-standers and the screams of the misguided youngsters. As he +approached the house, he met Taddy rushing wildly up the street.</p> + +<p>"Thaddeus! Thaddeus! Where ye goin', Thaddeus?"</p> + +<p>"Goin' to the fire!" cried Taddy.</p> + +<p>"There isn't any fire, boy."</p> + +<p>"Yes, there is! Didn't ye hear 'em? They've been yellin' like fury."</p> + +<p>"It's nothin' but Atkins's brush."</p> + +<p>"That all?" And Taddy appeared very much disappointed. "I thought there +was goin' to be some fun. I wonder who was such a fool as to yell fire +just for a darned old brush-heap!"</p> + +<p>Ducklow did not inform him.</p> + +<p>"I've got to drive over to town and get Reuben's trunk. You stand by the +mare while I step in and brush my hat."</p> + +<p>Instead of applying himself at once to the restoration of his beaver, he +hastened to the sitting-room, to see that the bonds were safe.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_658" id="Page_658">[Pg 658]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Heavens and 'arth!" said Ducklow.</p> + +<p>The chair, which had been carefully planted in the spot where they were +concealed, had been removed. Three or four tacks had been taken out, and +the carpet pushed from the wall. There was straw scattered about. +Evidently Taddy had been interrupted, in the midst of his ransacking, by +the alarm of fire. Indeed, he was even now creeping into the house to +see what notice Ducklow would take of these evidences of his mischief.</p> + +<p>In great trepidation the farmer thrust in his hand here and there, and +groped, until he found the envelope precisely where it had been placed +the night before, with the tape tied around it, which his wife had put +on to prevent its contents from slipping out and losing themselves. +Great was the joy of Ducklow. Great also was the wrath of him when he +turned and discovered Taddy.</p> + +<p>"Didn't I tell you to stand by the old mare?"</p> + +<p>"She won't stir," said Taddy, shrinking away again.</p> + +<p>"Come here!" And Ducklow grasped him by the collar.</p> + +<p>"What have you been doin'? Look at that!"</p> + +<p>"'Twan't me!" beginning to whimper and ram his fists into his eyes.</p> + +<p>"Don't tell me 'twan't you!" Ducklow shook him till his teeth chattered. +"What was you pullin' up the carpet for?"</p> + +<p>"Lost a marble!" sniveled Taddy.</p> + +<p>"Lost a marble! Ye didn't lose it under the carpet, did ye? Look at all +that straw pulled out!" shaking him again.</p> + +<p>"Didn't know but it might 'a' got under the carpet, marbles roll so," +explained Taddy, as soon as he could get his breath.</p> + +<p>"Wal, sir,"—Ducklow administered a resounding box<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_659" id="Page_659">[Pg 659]</a></span> on his ear,—"don't +you do such a thing again, if you lose a million marbles!"</p> + +<p>"Hain't got a million!" Taddy wept, rubbing his cheek. "Hain't got but +four! Won't ye buy me some to-day?"</p> + +<p>"Go to that mare, and don't you leave her again till I come, or I'll +<i>marble</i> ye in a way you won't like."</p> + +<p>Understanding, by this somewhat equivocal form of expression, that +flagellation was threatened, Taddy obeyed, still feeling his smarting +and burning ear.</p> + +<p>Ducklow was in trouble. What should he do with the bonds? The floor was +no place for them after what had happened; and he remembered too well +the experience of yesterday to think for a moment of carrying them about +his person. With unreasonable impatience, his mind reverted to Mrs. +Ducklow.</p> + +<p>"Why ain't she to home? These women are forever a-gaddin'! I wish +Reuben's trunk was in Jericho!"</p> + +<p>Thinking of the trunk reminded him of one in the garret, filled with old +papers of all sorts,—newspapers, letters, bills of sale, children's +writing-books,—accumulations of the past quarter of a century. Neither +fire nor burglar nor ransacking youngster had ever molested those +ancient records during all those five-and-twenty years. A bright thought +struck him.</p> + +<p>"I'll slip the bonds down into that worthless heap o' rubbish, where no +one 'ull ever think o' lookin' for 'em, and resk 'em."</p> + +<p>Having assured himself that Taddy was standing by the wagon, he paid a +hasty visit to the trunk in the garret, and concealed the envelope, +still bound in its band of tape, among the papers. He then drove away, +giving Taddy a final charge to beware of setting anything afire.</p> + +<p>He had driven about half a mile, when he met a ped<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_660" id="Page_660">[Pg 660]</a></span>dler. There was +nothing unusual or alarming in such a circumstance, surely; but, as +Ducklow kept on, it troubled him.</p> + +<p>"He'll stop to the house, now, most likely, and want to trade. Findin' +nobody but Taddy, there's no knowin' what he'll be tempted to do. But I +ain't a-goin' to worry. I'll defy anybody to find them bonds. Besides, +she may be home by this time. I guess she'll hear of the fire-alarm and +hurry home: it'll be jest like her. She'll be there, and trade with the +peddler!" thought Ducklow, uneasily. Then a frightful fancy possessed +him. "She has threatened two or three times to sell that old trunkful of +papers. He'll offer a big price for 'em, and ten to one she'll let him +have 'em. Why <i>didn't</i> I think on't? What a stupid blunderbuss I be!"</p> + +<p>As Ducklow thought of it, he felt almost certain that Mrs. Ducklow had +returned home, and that she was bargaining with the peddler at that +moment. He fancied her smilingly receiving bright tin-ware for the old +papers; and he could see the tape-tied envelope going into the bag with +the rest. The result was that he turned about and whipped his old mare +home again in terrific haste, to catch the departing peddler.</p> + +<p>Arriving, he found the house as he had left it, and Taddy occupied in +making a kite-frame.</p> + +<p>"Did that peddler stop here?"</p> + +<p>"I hain't seen no peddler."</p> + +<p>"And hain't yer Ma Ducklow been home, nuther?"</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>And, with a guilty look, Taddy put the kite-frame behind him.</p> + +<p>Ducklow considered. The peddler had turned up a cross-street: he would +probably turn down again and stop at the house, after all: Mrs. Ducklow +might by that time<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_661" id="Page_661">[Pg 661]</a></span> be at home: then the sale of old papers would be +very likely to take place. Ducklow thought of leaving word that he did +not wish any old papers in the house to be sold, but feared lest the +request might excite Taddy's suspicions.</p> + +<p>"I don't see no way but for me to take the bonds with me," thought he, +with an inward groan.</p> + +<p>He accordingly went to the garret, took the envelope out of the trunk, +and placed it in the breast-pocket of his overcoat, to which he pinned +it, to prevent it by any chance from getting out. He used six large, +strong pins for the purpose, and was afterwards sorry he did not use +seven.</p> + +<p>"There's suthin' losin' out o' yer pocket!" bawled Taddy, as he was once +more mounting the wagon.</p> + +<p>Quick as lightning, Ducklow clapped his hand to his breast. In doing so +he loosed his hold of the wagon-box and fell, raking his shin badly on +the wheel.</p> + +<p>"Yer side-pocket! It's one o' yer mittens!" said Taddy.</p> + +<p>"You rascal! How you scared me!"</p> + +<p>Seating himself in the wagon, Ducklow gently pulled up his trousers-leg +to look at the bruised part.</p> + +<p>"Got anything in your boot-leg to-day, Pa Ducklow?" asked Taddy, +innocently.</p> + +<p>"Yes,—a barked shin!—all on your account, too! Go and put that straw +back, and fix the carpet; and don't ye let me hear ye speak of my +boot-leg again, or I'll boot-leg ye!"</p> + +<p>So saying, Ducklow departed.</p> + +<p>Instead of repairing the mischief he had done in the sitting-room, Taddy +devoted his time and talents to the more interesting occupation of +constructing his kite-frame. He worked at that until Mr. Grantly, the +minister, driving by, stopped to inquire how the folks were.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_662" id="Page_662">[Pg 662]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Ain't to home: may I ride?" cried Taddy, all in a breath.</p> + +<p>Mr. Grantly was an indulgent old gentleman, fond of children: so he +said, "Jump in;" and in a minute Taddy had scrambled to a seat by his +side.</p> + +<p>And now occurred a circumstance which Ducklow had foreseen. The alarm of +fire had reached Reuben's; and, although the report of its falseness +followed immediately, Mrs. Ducklow's inflammable fancy was so kindled by +it that she could find no comfort in prolonging her visit.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Ducklow'll be going for the trunk, and I <i>must</i> go home and see to +things, Taddy's <i>such</i> a fellow for mischief. I can foot it; I shan't +mind it."</p> + +<p>And off she started, walking herself out of breath in anxiety.</p> + +<p>She reached the brow of the hill just in time to see a chaise drive away +from her own door.</p> + +<p>"Who <i>can</i> that be? I wonder if Taddy's ther' to guard the house! If +anything should happen to them bonds!"</p> + +<p>Out of breath as she was, she quickened her pace, and trudged on, +flushed, perspiring, panting, until she reached the house.</p> + +<p>"Thaddeus!" she called.</p> + +<p>No Taddy answered. She went in. The house was deserted. And, lo! the +carpet torn up, and the bonds abstracted!</p> + +<p>Mr. Ducklow never would have made such work, removing the bonds. Then +somebody else must have taken them, she reasoned.</p> + +<p>"The man in the chaise!" she exclaimed, or rather made an effort to +exclaim, succeeding only in bringing forth a hoarse, gasping sound. Fear +dried up articulation. <i>Vox faucibus hæsit.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_663" id="Page_663">[Pg 663]</a></span></p> + +<p>And Taddy? He had disappeared, been murdered, perhaps,—or gagged and +carried away by the man in the chaise.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Ducklow flew hither and thither (to use a favorite phrase of her +own), "like a hen with her head cut off;" then rushed out of the house +and up the street, screaming after the chaise,—</p> + +<p>"Murder! murder! Stop thief! stop thief!"</p> + +<p>She waved her hands aloft in the air frantically. If she had trudged +before, now she trotted, now she cantered; but, if the cantering of the +old mare was fitly likened to that of a cow, to what thing, to what +manner of motion under the sun, shall we liken the cantering of Mrs. +Ducklow? It was original; it was unique; it was prodigious. Now, with +her frantically waving hands, and all her undulating and flapping +skirts, she seemed a species of huge, unwieldy bird, attempting to fly. +Then she sank down into a heavy, dragging walk,—breath and strength all +gone,—no voice left even to scream "murder!" Then, the awful +realization of the loss of the bonds once more rushing over her, she +started up again. "Half running, half flying, what progress she made!" +Then Atkins's dog saw her, and, naturally mistaking her for a prodigy, +came out at her, bristling up and bounding and barking terrifically.</p> + +<p>"Come here!" cried Atkins, following the dog. "What's the matter? What's +to pay, Mrs. Ducklow?"</p> + +<p>Attempting to speak, the good woman could only pant and wheeze.</p> + +<p>"Robbed!" she at last managed to whisper, amid the yelpings of the cur +that refused to be silenced.</p> + +<p>"Robbed? How? Who?"</p> + +<p>"The chaise. Ketch it."</p> + +<p>Her gestures expressed more than her words; and, At<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_664" id="Page_664">[Pg 664]</a></span>kins's horse and +wagon, with which he had been drawing out brush, being in the yard +near-by, he ran to them, leaped to the seat, drove into the road, took +Mrs. Ducklow aboard, and set out in vigorous pursuit of the slow +two-wheeled vehicle.</p> + +<p>"Stop, you, sir! Stop, you, sir!" shrieked Mrs. Ducklow, having +recovered her breath by the time they came up with the chaise.</p> + +<p>It stopped, and Mr. Grantly, the minister, put out his good-natured, +surprised face.</p> + +<p>"You've robbed my house! You've took—"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Ducklow was going on in wild, accusatory accents, when she +recognized the benign countenance.</p> + +<p>"What do you say? I have robbed you?" he exclaimed, very much +astonished.</p> + +<p>"No, no! not you! You wouldn't do such a thing!" she stammered forth, +while Atkins, who had laughed himself weak at Mr. Ducklow's plight +earlier in the morning, now laughed himself into a side-ache at Mrs. +Ducklow's ludicrous mistake. "But did you—did you stop at my house? +Have you seen our Thaddeus?"</p> + +<p>"Here I be, Ma Ducklow!" piped a small voice; and Taddy, who had till +then remained hidden, fearing punishment, peeped out of the chaise from +behind the broad back of the minister.</p> + +<p>"Taddy! Taddy! how came the carpet—"</p> + +<p>"I pulled it up, huntin' for a marble," said Taddy, as she paused, +overmastered by her emotions.</p> + +<p>"And the—the thing tied up in a brown wrapper?"</p> + +<p>"Pa Ducklow took it."</p> + +<p>"Ye sure?"</p> + +<p>"Yes; I seen him."</p> + +<p>"Oh, dear!" said Mrs. Ducklow, "I never was so beat! Mr. Grantly, I +hope—excuse me—I didn't know what I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_665" id="Page_665">[Pg 665]</a></span> was about! Taddy, you notty boy, +what did you leave the house for? Be ye quite sure yer Pa Ducklow—"</p> + +<p>Taddy replied that he was quite sure, as he climbed from the chaise into +Atkins's wagon. The minister smilingly remarked that he hoped she would +find no robbery had been committed, and went his way. Atkins, driving +back, and setting her and Taddy down at the Ducklow gate, answered her +embarrassed "Much obleeged to ye," with a sincere "Not at all," +considering the fun he had had a sufficient compensation for his +trouble. And thus ended the morning adventures, with the exception of an +unimportant episode, in which Taddy, Mrs. Ducklow, and Mrs. Ducklow's +rattan were the principal actors.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_666" id="Page_666">[Pg 666]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_SHOOTING-MATCH" id="THE_SHOOTING-MATCH"></a>THE SHOOTING-MATCH</h2> + +<h3>BY A.B. LONGSTREET</h3> + + +<p>Shooting-matches are probably nearly coeval with the colonization of +Georgia. They are still common throughout the Southern States, though +they are not as common as they were twenty-five or thirty years ago. +Chance led me to one about a year ago. I was traveling in one of the +northeastern counties, when I overtook a swarthy, bright-eyed, smirky +little fellow, riding a small pony, and bearing on his shoulder a long, +heavy rifle, which, judging from its looks, I should say had done +service in Morgan's corps.</p> + +<p>"Good morning, sir!" said I, reining up my horse as I came beside him.</p> + +<p>"How goes it, stranger?" said he, with a tone of independence and +self-confidence that awakened my curiosity to know a little of his +character.</p> + +<p>"Going driving?" inquired I.</p> + +<p>"Not exactly," replied he, surveying my horse with a quizzical smile; "I +haven't been a driving <i>by myself</i> for a year or two; and my nose has +got so bad lately, I can't carry a cold trail <i>without hounds to help +me</i>."</p> + +<p>Alone, and without hounds as he was, the question was rather a silly +one; but it answered the purpose for which it was put, which was only to +draw him into conversation, and I proceeded to make as decent a retreat +as I could.</p> + +<p>"I didn't know," said I, "but that you were going to meet the huntsmen, +or going to your stand."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_667" id="Page_667">[Pg 667]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Ah, sure enough," rejoined he, "that <i>mout</i> be a bee, as the old woman +said when she killed a wasp. It seems to me I ought to know you."</p> + +<p>"Well, if you <i>ought</i>, why <i>don't</i> you?"</p> + +<p>"What <i>mout</i> your name be?"</p> + +<p>"It <i>might</i> be anything," said I, with a borrowed wit, for I knew my man +and knew what kind of conversation would please him most.</p> + +<p>"Well, what <i>is</i> it, then?"</p> + +<p>"It <i>is</i> Hall," said I; "but you know it might as well have been +anything else."</p> + +<p>"Pretty digging!" said he. "I find you're not the fool I took you to be; +so here's to a better acquaintance with you."</p> + +<p>"With all my heart," returned I; "but you must be as clever as I've +been, and give me your name."</p> + +<p>"To be sure I will, my old coon; take it, take it, and welcome. Anything +else about me you'd like to have?"</p> + +<p>"No," said I, "there's nothing else about you worth having."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes there is, stranger! Do you see this?" holding up his ponderous +rifle with an ease that astonished me. "If you will go with me to the +shooting-match, and see me knock out the <i>bull's-eye</i> with her a few +times, you'll agree the old <i>Soap-stick's</i> worth something when Billy +Curlew puts his shoulder to her."</p> + +<p>This short sentence was replete with information to me. It taught me +that my companion was <i>Billy Curlew</i>; that he was going to a +<i>shooting-match</i>; that he called his rifle the <i>Soap-stick</i>, and that he +was very confident of winning beef with her; or, which is nearly, but +not quite the same thing, <i>driving the cross with her</i>.</p> + +<p>"Well," said I, "if the shooting-match is not too far out of my way, +I'll go to it with pleasure."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_668" id="Page_668">[Pg 668]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Unless your way lies through the woods from here," said Billy, "it'll +not be much out of your way; for it's only a mile ahead of us, and there +is no other road for you to take till you get there; and as that thing +you're riding in ain't well suited to fast traveling among brushy knobs, +I reckon you won't lose much by going by. I reckon you hardly ever was +at a shooting-match, stranger, from the cut of your coat?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes," returned I, "many a time. I won beef at one when I was hardly +old enough to hold a shot-gun off-hand."</p> + +<p>"<i>Children</i> don't go to shooting-matches about here," said he, with a +smile of incredulity. "I never heard of but one that did, and he was a +little <i>swinge</i> cat. He was born a shooting, and killed squirrels before +he was weaned."</p> + +<p>"Nor did <i>I</i> ever hear of but one," replied I, "and that one was +myself."</p> + +<p>"And where did you win beef so young, stranger?"</p> + +<p>"At Berry Adams's."</p> + +<p>"Why, stop, stranger, let me look at you good! Is your name <i>Lyman</i> +Hall?"</p> + +<p>"The very same," said I.</p> + +<p>"Well, dang my buttons, if you ain't the very boy my daddy used to tell +me about. I was too young to recollect you myself; but I've heard daddy +talk about you many a time. I believe mammy's got a neck-handkerchief +now that daddy won on your shooting at Collen Reid's store, when you +were hardly knee high. Come along, Lyman, and I'll go my death upon you +at the shooting-match, with the old Soap-stick at your shoulder."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Billy," said I, "the old Soap-stick will do much better at your own +shoulder. It was my mother's notion that sent me to the shooting-match +at Berry Adams's;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_669" id="Page_669">[Pg 669]</a></span> and, to tell the honest truth, it was altogether a +chance shot that made me win beef; but that wasn't generally known; and +most everybody believed that I was carried there on account of my skill +in shooting; and my fame was spread far and wide, I well remember. I +remember, too, perfectly well, your father's bet on me at the store. +<i>He</i> was at the shooting-match, and nothing could make him believe but +that I was a great shot with a rifle as well as a shot-gun. Bet he would +on me, in spite of all I could say, though I assured him that I had +never shot a rifle in my life. It so happened, too, that there were but +two bullets, or, rather, a bullet and a half; and so confident was your +father in my skill, that he made me shoot the half bullet; and, strange +to tell, by another chance shot, I like to have drove the cross and won +his bet."</p> + +<p>"Now I know you're the very chap, for I heard daddy tell that very thing +about the half bullet. Don't say anything about it, Lyman, and darn my +old shoes, if I don't tare the lint off the boys with you at the +shooting-match. They'll never 'spect such a looking man as you are of +knowing anything about a rifle. I'll risk your <i>chance</i> shots."</p> + +<p>I soon discovered that the father had eaten sour grapes, and the son's +teeth were on edge; for Billy was just as incorrigibly obstinate in his +belief of my dexterity with a rifle as his father had been before him.</p> + +<p>We soon reached the place appointed for the shooting-match. It went by +the name of Sims's Cross Roads, because here two roads intersected each +other; and because, from the time that the first had been laid out, +Archibald Sims had resided there. Archibald had been a justice of the +peace in his day (and where is the man of his age in Georgia who has +not?); consequently, he was called 'Squire Sims. It is the custom in +this state, when a man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_670" id="Page_670">[Pg 670]</a></span> has once acquired a title, civil or military, to +force it upon him as long as he lives; hence the countless number of +titled personages who are introduced in these sketches.</p> + +<p>We stopped at the 'squire's door. Billy hastily dismounted, gave me the +shake of the hand which he had been reluctantly reserving for a mile +back, and, leading me up to the 'squire, thus introduced me: "Uncle +Archy, this is Lyman Hall; and for all you see him in these fine +clothes, he's a <i>swinge</i> cat; a darn sight cleverer fellow than he looks +to be. Wait till you see him lift the old Soap-stick, and draw a bead +upon the bull's-eye. You <i>gwine</i> to see fun here to-day. Don't say +nothing about it."</p> + +<p>"Well, Mr. Swinge-cat," said the 'squire, "here's to a better +acquaintance with you," offering me his hand.</p> + +<p>"How goes it, Uncle Archy?" said I, taking his hand warmly (for I am +always free and easy with those who are so with me; and in this course I +rarely fail to please). "How's the old woman?"</p> + +<p>"Egad," said the 'squire, chuckling, "there you're too hard for me; for +she died two-and-twenty years ago, and I haven't heard a word from her +since."</p> + +<p>"What! and you never married again?"</p> + +<p>"Never, as God's my judge!" (a solemn asseveration, truly, upon so light +a subject.)</p> + +<p>"Well, that's not my fault."</p> + +<p>"No, nor it's not mine, <i>ni</i>ther," said the 'squire.</p> + +<p>Here we were interrupted by the cry of another Rancey Sniffle. "Hello, +here! All you as wish to put in for the shoot'n'-match, come on here! +for the putt'n' in's <i>riddy</i> to begin."</p> + +<p>About sixty persons, including mere spectators, had collected; the most +of whom were more or less obedient to the call of Mealy Whitecotton, for +that was the name of the self-constituted commander-in-chief. Some +hastened<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_671" id="Page_671">[Pg 671]</a></span> and some loitered, as they desired to be first or last on the +list; for they shoot in the order in which their names are entered.</p> + +<p>The beef was not present, nor is it ever upon such occasions; but +several of the company had seen it, who all concurred in the opinion +that it was a good beef, and well worth the price that was set upon +it—eleven dollars. A general inquiry ran around, in order to form some +opinion as to the number of shots that would be taken; for, of course, +the price of a shot is cheapened in proportion to the increase of that +number. It was soon ascertained that not more than twenty persons would +take chances; but these twenty agreed to take the number of shots, at +twenty-five cents each.</p> + +<p>The competitors now began to give in their names; some for one, some for +two, three, and a few for as many as four shots.</p> + +<p>Billy Curlew hung back to the last; and when the list was offered him, +five shots remained undisposed of.</p> + +<p>"How many shots left?" inquired Billy.</p> + +<p>"Five," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"Well, I take 'em all. Put down four shots to me, and one to Lyman Hall, +paid for by William Curlew."</p> + +<p>I was thunder-struck, not at his proposition to pay for my shot, because +I knew that Billy meant it as a token of friendship, and he would have +been hurt if I had refused to let him do me this favor; but at the +unexpected announcement of my name as a competitor for beef, at least +one hundred miles from the place of my residence. I was prepared for a +challenge from Billy to some of his neighbors for a <i>private</i> match upon +me; but not for this.</p> + +<p>I therefore protested against his putting in for me, and urged every +reason to dissuade him from it that I could, without wounding his +feelings.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_672" id="Page_672">[Pg 672]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Put it down!" said Billy, with the authority of an emperor, and with a +look that spoke volumes intelligible to every by-stander. "Reckon I +don't know what I'm about?" Then wheeling off, and muttering in an +under, self-confident tone, "Dang old Roper," continued he, "if he don't +knock that cross to the north corner of creation and back again before a +cat can lick her foot."</p> + +<p>Had I been king of the cat tribe, they could not have regarded me with +more curious attention than did the whole company from this moment. +Every inch of me was examined with the nicest scrutiny; and some plainly +expressed by their looks that they never would have taken me for such a +bite. I saw no alternative but to throw myself upon a third chance shot; +for though, by the rules of the sport, I would have been allowed to +shoot by proxy, by all the rules of good breeding I was bound to shoot +in person. It would have been unpardonable to disappoint the +expectations which had been raised on me. Unfortunately, too, for me, +the match differed in one respect from those which I had been in the +habit of attending in my younger days. In olden times the contest was +carried on chiefly with <i>shot-guns</i>, a generic term which, in those +days, embraced three descriptions of firearms: <i>Indian-traders</i> (a long, +cheap, but sometimes excellent kind of gun, that mother Britain used to +send hither for traffic with the Indians), <i>the large musket</i>, and the +<i>shot-gun</i>, properly so-called. Rifles were, however, always permitted +to compete with them, under equitable restrictions. These were, that +they should be fired off-hand, while the shot-guns were allowed a rest, +the distance being equal; or that the distance should be one hundred +yards for a rifle, to sixty for the shot-gun, the mode of firing being +equal.</p> + +<p>But this was a match of rifles exclusively; and these are by far the +most common at this time.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_673" id="Page_673">[Pg 673]</a></span></p> + +<p>Most of the competitors fire at the same target; which is usually a +board from nine inches to a foot wide, charred on one side as black as +it can be made by fire, without impairing materially the uniformity of +its surface; on the darkened side of which is <i>pegged</i> a square piece of +white paper, which is larger or smaller, according to the distance at +which it is to be placed from the marksmen. This is almost invariably +sixty yards, and for it the paper is reduced to about two and a half +inches square. Out of the center of it is cut a rhombus of about the +width of an inch, measured diagonally; this is the <i>bull's-eye</i>, or +<i>diamond</i>, as the marksmen choose to call it; in the center of this is +the cross. But every man is permitted to fix his target to his own +taste; and accordingly, some remove one-fourth of the paper, cutting +from the center of the square to the two lower corners, so as to leave a +large angle opening from the center downward; while others reduce the +angle more or less: but it is rarely the case that all are not satisfied +with one of these figures.</p> + +<p>The beef is divided into five prizes, or, as they are commonly termed, +five <i>quarters</i>—the hide and tallow counting as one. For several years +after the revolutionary war, a sixth was added: the <i>lead</i> which was +shot in the match. This was the prize of the sixth best shot; and it +used to be carefully extracted from the board or tree in which it was +lodged, and afterward remoulded. But this grew out of the exigency of +the times, and has, I believe, been long since abandoned everywhere.</p> + +<p>The three master shots and rivals were Moses Firmby, Larkin Spivey and +Billy Curlew; to whom was added, upon this occasion, by common consent +and with awful forebodings, your humble servant.</p> + +<p>The target was fixed at an elevation of about three feet from the +ground; and the judges (Captain Turner and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_674" id="Page_674">[Pg 674]</a></span> 'Squire Porter) took their +stands by it, joined by about half the spectators.</p> + +<p>The first name on the catalogue was Mealy Whitecotton. Mealy stepped +out, rifle in hand, and toed the mark. His rifle was about three inches +longer than himself, and near enough his own thickness to make the +remark of Darby Chislom, as he stepped out, tolerably appropriate: "Here +comes the corn-stalk and the sucker!" said Darby.</p> + +<p>"Kiss my foot!" said Mealy. "The way I'll creep into that bull's-eye's a +fact."</p> + +<p>"You'd better creep into your hind sight," said Darby. Mealy raised and +fired.</p> + +<p>"A pretty good shot, Mealy!" said one.</p> + +<p>"Yes, a blamed good shot!" said a second.</p> + +<p>"Well done, Meal!" said a third.</p> + +<p>I was rejoiced when one of the company inquired, "Where is it?" for I +could hardly believe they were founding these remarks upon the evidence +of their senses.</p> + +<p>"Just on the right-hand side of the bull's-eye," was the reply.</p> + +<p>I looked with all the power of my eyes, but was unable to discover the +least change in the surface of the paper. Their report, however, was +true; so much keener is the vision of a practiced than an unpracticed +eye.</p> + +<p>The next in order was Hiram Baugh. Hiram was like some race-horses which +I have seen; he was too good not to contend for every prize, and too +good for nothing ever to win one.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," said he, as he came to the mark, "I don't say that I'll win +beef; but if my piece don't blow, I'll eat the paper, or be mighty apt +to do it, if you'll b'lieve my racket. My powder are not good powder, +gentlemen; I bought it <i>thum</i> (from) Zeb Daggett, and gin him +three-quarters of a dollar a pound for it; but it are not what I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_675" id="Page_675">[Pg 675]</a></span> call +good powder, gentlemen; but if old Buck-killer burns it clear, the boy +you call Hiram Baugh eat's paper, or comes mighty near it."</p> + +<p>"Well, blaze away," said Mealy, "and be d——d to you, and Zeb Daggett, +and your powder, and Buck-killer, and your powder-horn and shot-pouch to +boot! How long you gwine stand thar talking 'fore you shoot?"</p> + +<p>"Never mind," said Hiram, "I can talk a little and shoot a little, too, +but that's nothin'. Here goes!"</p> + +<p>Hiram assumed the figure of a note of interrogation, took a long sight, +and fired.</p> + +<p>"I've eat paper," said he, at the crack of the gun, without looking, or +seeming to look, toward the target. "Buck-killer made a clear racket. +Where am I, gentlemen?"</p> + +<p>"You're just between Mealy and the diamond," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"I said I'd eat paper, and I've done it; haven't I, gentlemen?"</p> + +<p>"And 'spose you have!" said Mealy, "what do that 'mount to? You'll not +win beef, and never did."</p> + +<p>"Be that as it mout be, I've beat Meal 'Cotton mighty easy; and the boy +you call Hiram Baugh are able to do it."</p> + +<p>"And what do that 'mount to? Who the devil an't able to beat Meal +'Cotton! I don't make no pretense of bein' nothin' great, no how; but +you always makes out as if you were gwine to keep 'em makin' crosses for +you constant, and then do nothin' but '<i>eat paper</i>' at last; and that's +a long way from <i>eatin' beef</i>, 'cordin' to Meal 'Cotton's notions, as +you call him."</p> + +<p>Simon Stow was now called on.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Lord!" exclaimed two or three: "now we have it. It'll take him as +long to shoot as it would take 'Squire Dobbins to run round a <i>track</i> o' +land."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_676" id="Page_676">[Pg 676]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Good-by, boys," said Bob Martin.</p> + +<p>"Where are you going, Bob?"</p> + +<p>"Going to gather in my crop; I'll be back again though by the time Sime +Stow shoots."</p> + +<p>Simon was used to all this, and therefore it did not disconcert him in +the least. He went off and brought his own target, and set it up with +his own hand.</p> + +<p>He then wiped out his rifle, rubbed the pan with his hat, drew a piece +of tow through the touch-hole with his wiper, filled his charger with +great care, poured the powder into the rifle with equal caution, shoved +in with his finger the two or three vagrant grains that lodged round the +mouth of his piece, took out a handful of bullets, looked them all over +carefully, selected one without flaw or wrinkle, drew out his patching, +found the most even part of it, sprung open the grease-box in the breech +of his rifle; took up just so much grease, distributed it with great +equality over the chosen part of his patching, laid it over the muzzle +of his rifle, grease side down, placed his ball upon it, pressed it a +little, then took it up and turned the neck a little more +perpendicularly downward, placed his knife handle on it, just buried it +in the mouth of the rifle, cut off the redundant patching just above the +bullet, looked at it, and shook his head in token that he had cut off +too much or too little, no one knew which, sent down the ball, measured +the contents of his gun with his first and second fingers on the +protruding part of the ramrod, shook his head again, to signify there +was too much or too little powder, primed carefully, placed an arched +piece of tin over the hind sight to shade it, took his place, got a +friend to hold his hat over the foresight to shade it, took a very long +sight, fired, and didn't even eat the paper.</p> + +<p>"My piece was badly <i>loadned</i>," said Simon, when he learned the place of +his ball.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_677" id="Page_677">[Pg 677]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Oh, you didn't take time," said Mealy. "No man can shoot that's in such +a hurry as you is. I'd hardly got to sleep 'fore I heard the crack o' +the gun."</p> + +<p>The next was Moses Firmby. He was a tall, slim man, of rather sallow +complexion; and it is a singular fact, that though probably no part of +the world is more healthy than the mountainous parts of Georgia, the +mountaineers have not generally robust frames or fine complexions: they +are, however, almost inexhaustible by toil.</p> + +<p>Moses kept us not long in suspense. His rifle was already charged, and +he fixed it upon the target with a steadiness of nerve and aim that was +astonishing to me and alarming to all the rest. A few seconds, and the +report of his rifle broke the deathlike silence which prevailed.</p> + +<p>"No great harm done yet," said Spivey, manifestly relieved from anxiety +by an event which seemed to me better calculated to produce despair. +Firmby's ball had cut out the lower angle of the diamond, directly on a +right line with the cross.</p> + +<p>Three or four followed him without bettering his shot; all of whom, +however, with one exception, "eat the paper."</p> + +<p>It now came to Spivey's turn. There was nothing remarkable in his person +or manner. He took his place, lowered his rifle slowly from a +perpendicular until it came on a line with the mark, held it there like +a vice for a moment and fired.</p> + +<p>"Pretty <i>sevigrous</i>, but nothing killing yet," said Billy Curlew, as he +learned the place of Spivey's ball.</p> + +<p>Spivey's ball had just broken the upper angle of the diamond; beating +Firmby about half its width.</p> + +<p>A few more shots, in which there was nothing remarkable, brought us to +Billy Curlew. Billy stepped out with much confidence, and brought the +Soap-stick to an order,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_678" id="Page_678">[Pg 678]</a></span> while he deliberately rolled up his shirt +sleeves. Had I judged Billy's chance of success from the looks of his +gun, I should have said it was hopeless. The stock of Soap-stick seemed +to have been made with a case-knife; and had it been, the tool would +have been but a poor apology for its clumsy appearance. An auger-hole in +the breech served for a grease-box; a cotton string assisted a single +screw in holding on the lock; and the thimbles were made, one of brass, +one of iron, and one of tin.</p> + +<p>"Where's Lark Spivey's bullet?" called out Billy to the judges, as he +finished rolling up his sleeves.</p> + +<p>"About three-quarters of an inch from the cross," was the reply.</p> + +<p>"Well, clear the way! the Soap-stick's coming, and she'll be along in +there among 'em presently."</p> + +<p>Billy now planted himself astraddle, like an inverted V; shot forward +his left hip, drew his body back to an angle of about forty-five degrees +with the plane of the horizon, brought his cheek down close to the +breech of old Soap-stick, and fixed her upon the mark with untrembling +hand. His sight was long, and the swelling muscles of his left arm led +me to believe that he was lessening his chance of success with every +half second that he kept it burdened with his ponderous rifle; but it +neither flagged nor wavered until Soap-stick made her report.</p> + +<p>"Where am I?" said Billy, as the smoke rose from before his eye.</p> + +<p>"You've jist touched the cross on the lower side," was the reply of one +of the judges.</p> + +<p>"I was afraid I was drawing my bead a <i>leetle</i> too fine," said Billy. +"Now, Lyman, you see what the Soap-stick can do. Take her, and show the +boys how you used to do when you was a baby."</p> + +<p>I begged to reserve my shot to the last; pleading, rather<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_679" id="Page_679">[Pg 679]</a></span> +sophistically, that it was, in point of fact, one of the Billy's shots. +My plea was rather indulged than sustained, and the marksmen who had +taken more than one shot commenced the second round. This round was a +manifest improvement upon the first. The cross was driven three times: +once by Spivey, once by Firmby, and once by no less a personage than +Mealy Whitecotton, whom chance seemed to favor for this time, merely +that he might retaliate upon Hiram Baugh; and the bull's-eye was +disfigured out of all shape.</p> + +<p>The third and fourth rounds were shot. Billy discharged his last shot, +which left the rights of parties thus: Billy Curlew first and fourth +choice, Spivey second, Firmby third and Whitecotton fifth. Some of my +readers may perhaps be curious to learn how a distinction comes to be +made between several, all of whom drive the cross. The distinction is +perfectly natural and equitable. Threads are stretched from the +uneffaced parts of the once intersecting lines, by means of which the +original position of the cross is precisely ascertained. Each +bullet-hole being nicely pegged up as it is made, it is easy to +ascertain its circumference. To this I believe they usually, if not +invariably, measure, where none of the balls touch the cross; but if the +cross be driven, they measure from it to the center of the bullet-hole. +To make a draw shot, therefore, between two who drive the cross, it is +necessary that the center of both balls should pass directly through the +cross; a thing that very rarely happens.</p> + +<p><i>The Bite</i> alone remained to shoot. Billy wiped out his rifle carefully, +loaded her to the top of his skill, and handed her to me. "Now," said +he, "Lyman, draw a fine bead, but not too fine; for Soap-stick bears up +her ball well. Take care and don't touch the trigger until you've got +your bead; for she's spring-trigger'd and goes mighty<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_680" id="Page_680">[Pg 680]</a></span> easy: but you +hold her to the place you want her, and if she don't go there, dang old +Roper."</p> + +<p>I took hold of Soap-stick, and lapsed immediately into the most hopeless +despair. I am sure I never handled as heavy a gun in all my life. "Why, +Billy," said I, "you little mortal, you! what do you use such a gun as +this for?"</p> + +<p>"Look at the bull's-eye yonder!" said he.</p> + +<p>"True," said I, "but <i>I</i> can't shoot her; it is impossible."</p> + +<p>"Go 'long, you old coon!" said Billy; "I see what you're at;" intimating +that all this was merely to make the coming shot the more remarkable. +"Daddy's little boy don't shoot anything but the old Soap-stick here +to-day, I know."</p> + +<p>The judges, I knew, were becoming impatient, and, withal, my situation +was growing more embarrassing every second; so I e'en resolved to try +the Soap-stick without further parley.</p> + +<p>I stepped out, and the most intense interest was excited all around me, +and it flashed like electricity around the target, as I judged from the +anxious gaze of all in that direction.</p> + +<p>Policy dictated that I should fire with a falling rifle, and I adopted +this mode; determining to fire as soon as the sights came on a line with +the diamond, <i>bead</i> or no <i>bead</i>. Accordingly, I commenced lowering old +Soap-stick; but, in spite of all my muscular powers, she was strictly +obedient to the laws of gravitation, and came down with a uniformly +accelerated velocity. Before I could arrest her downward flight, she had +not only passed the target, but was making rapid encroachments on my own +toes.</p> + +<p>"Why, he's the weakest man in the arms I ever seed," said one, in a half +whisper.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_681" id="Page_681">[Pg 681]</a></span></p> + +<p>"It's only his fun," said Billy; "I know him."</p> + +<p>"It may be fun," said the other, "but it looks mightily like yearnest to +a man up a tree."</p> + +<p>I now, of course, determined to reverse the mode of firing, and put +forth all my physical energies to raise Soap-stick to the mark. The +effort silenced Billy, and gave tongue to all his companions. I had just +strength enough to master Soap-stick's obstinate proclivity, and, +consequently, my nerves began to exhibit palpable signs of distress with +her first imperceptible movement upward. A trembling commenced in my +arms; increased, and extended rapidly to my body and lower extremities; +so that, by the time that I had brought Soap-stick up to the mark, I was +shaking from head to foot, exactly like a man under the continued action +of a strong galvanic battery. In the meantime my friends gave vent to +their feelings freely.</p> + +<p>"I swear poin' blank," said one, "that man can't shoot."</p> + +<p>"He used to shoot well," said another; "but can't now, nor never could."</p> + +<p>"You better git away from 'bout that mark!" bawled a third, "for I'll be +dod darned if Broadcloth don't give some of you the dry gripes if you +stand too close thare."</p> + +<p>"The stranger's got the peedoddles," said a fourth, with humorous +gravity.</p> + +<p>"If he had bullets enough in his gun, he'd shoot a ring round the +bull's-eye big as a spinning wheel," said a fifth.</p> + +<p>As soon as I found that Soap-stick was high enough (for I made no +farther use of the sights than to ascertain this fact), I pulled +trigger, and off she went. I have always found that the most creditable +way of relieving myself of derision was to heighten it myself as much as +possible. It is a good plan in all circles, but by far the best which +can be adopted among the plain, rough farmers of the country. +Accordingly, I brought old Soap-stick to an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_682" id="Page_682">[Pg 682]</a></span> order with an air of +triumph; tipped Billy a wink, and observed, "Now, Billy, 's your time to +make your fortune. Bet 'em two to one that I've knocked out the cross."</p> + +<p>"No, I'll be dod blamed if I do," said Billy; "but I'll bet you two to +one that you hain't hit the plank."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Billy," said I, "I was joking about <i>betting</i>, for I never bet; nor +would I have you to bet: indeed, I do not feel exactly right in shooting +for beef; for it is a species of gaming at last: but I'll say this much: +if that cross isn't knocked out, I'll never shoot for beef again as long +as I live."</p> + +<p>"By dod," said Mealy Whitecotton, "you'll lose no great things at that."</p> + +<p>"Well," said I, "I reckon I know a little about wabbling. Is it +possible, Billy, a man who shoots as well as you do, never practiced +shooting with the double wabble? It's the greatest take in the world +when you learn to drive the cross with it. Another sort for getting bets +upon, to the drop-sight, with a single wabble! And the Soap-stick's the +very yarn for it."</p> + +<p>"Tell you what, stranger," said one, "you're too hard for us all here. +We never <i>hearn</i> o' that sort o' shoot'n' in these parts."</p> + +<p>"Well," returned I, "you've seen it now, and I'm the boy that can do +it."</p> + +<p>The judges were now approaching with the target, and a singular +combination of circumstances had kept all my party in utter ignorance of +the result of my shot. Those about the target had been prepared by Billy +Curlew for a great shot from me; their expectations had received +assurance from the courtesy which had been extended to me; and nothing +had happened to disappoint them but the single caution to them against +the "dry gripes," which was as likely to have been given in irony as in +earnest;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_683" id="Page_683">[Pg 683]</a></span> for my agonies under the weight of the Soap-stick were either +imperceptible to them at the distance of sixty yards, or, being visible, +were taken as the flourishes of an expert who wished to "astonish the +natives." The other party did not think the direction of my ball worth +the trouble of a question; or if they did, my airs and harangue had put +the thought to flight before it was delivered. Consequently, they were +all transfixed with astonishment when the judges presented the target to +them, and gravely observed, "It's only second best, after all the fuss."</p> + +<p>"Second best!" exclaimed I, with uncontrollable transports.</p> + +<p>The whole of my party rushed to the target to have the evidence of their +senses before they would believe the report; but most marvelous fortune +decreed that it should be true. Their incredulity and astonishment were +most fortunate for me; for they blinded my hearers to the real feelings +with which the exclamation was uttered, and allowed me sufficient time +to prepare myself for making the best use of what I had said before with +a very different object.</p> + +<p>"Second best!" reiterated I, with an air of despondency, as the company +turned from the target to me. "Second best, only? Here, Billy, my son, +take the old Soap-stick; she's a good piece, but I'm getting too old and +dim-sighted to shoot a rifle, especially with the drop-sight and double +wabbles."</p> + +<p>"Why, good Lord a'mighty!" said Billy, with a look that baffles all +description, "an't you <i>driv</i> the cross?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, driv the cross!" rejoined I, carelessly. "What's that! Just look +where my ball is! I do believe in my soul its center is a full quarter +of an inch from the cross. I wanted to lay the center of the bullet upon +the cross, just as if you'd put it there with your fingers."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_684" id="Page_684">[Pg 684]</a></span></p> + +<p>Several received this palaver with a contemptuous but very appropriate +curl of the nose; and Mealy Whitecotton offered to bet a half pint "that +I couldn't do the like again with no sort o' wabbles, he didn't care +what." But I had already fortified myself on this quarter of my +morality. A decided majority, however, were clearly of opinion that I +was serious; and they regarded me as one of the wonders of the world. +Billy increased the majority by now coming out fully with my history, as +he had received it from his father; to which I listened with quite as +much astonishment as any other one of his hearers. He begged me to go +home with him for the night, or, as he expressed it, "to go home with +him and swap lies that night, and it shouldn't cost me a cent;" the true +reading of which is, that if I would go home with him, and give him the +pleasure of an evening's chat about old times, his house should be as +free to me as my own. But I could not accept his hospitality without +retracing five or six miles of the road which I had already passed, and +therefore I declined it.</p> + +<p>"Well, if you won't go, what must I tell the old woman for you, for +she'll be mighty glad to hear from the boy that won the silk +handkerchief for her, and I expect she'll lick me for not bringing you +home with me."</p> + +<p>"Tell her," said I, "that I send her a quarter of beef which I won, as I +did the handkerchief, by nothing in the world but mere good luck."</p> + +<p>"Hold your jaw, Lyman!" said Billy; "I an't a gwine to tell the old +woman any such lies; for she's a reg'lar built Meth'dist."</p> + +<p>As I turned to depart, "Stop a minute, stranger!" said one: then +lowering his voice to a confidential but distinctly audible tone, "What +you offering for?" continued he. I assured him I was not a candidate for +anything; that I had accidentally fallen in with Billy Curlew, who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_685" id="Page_685">[Pg 685]</a></span> +begged me to come with him to the shooting-match, and, as it lay right +on my road, I had stopped. "Oh," said he, with a conciliatory nod, "if +you're up for anything, you needn't be mealy-mouthed about it 'fore us +boys; for we'll all go in for you here up to the handle."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Billy, "dang old Roper if we don't go our death for you, no +matter who offers. If ever you come out for anything, Lyman, jist let +the boys of Upper Hogthief know it, and they'll go for you to the hilt, +against creation, tit or no tit, that's the <i>tatur</i>."</p> + +<p>I thanked them, kindly, but repeated my assurances. The reader will not +suppose that the district took its name from the character of the +inhabitants. In almost every county in the state there is some spot or +district which bears a contemptuous appellation, usually derived from +local rivalships, or from a single accidental circumstance.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_686" id="Page_686">[Pg 686]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="DESOLATION1" id="DESOLATION1"></a>DESOLATION<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a></h2> + +<h3>BY TOM MASSON</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Somewhat back from the village street<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Stands the old-fashioned country seat.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Across its antique portico<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Tall poplar trees their shadows throw.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And there throughout the livelong day,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Jemima plays the pi-a-na.<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Do, re, mi,<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Mi, re, do.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">In the front parlor, there it stands,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And there Jemima plies her hands,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While her papa beneath his cloak,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Mutters and groans: "This is no joke!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And swears to himself and sighs, alas!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With sorrowful voice to all who pass.<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Do, re, mi,<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Mi, re, do.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Through days of death and days of birth<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She plays as if she owned the earth.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Through every swift vicissitude<br /></span> +<span class="i0">She drums as if it did her good,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And still she sits from morn till night<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And plunks away with main and might,<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Do, re, mi,<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Mi, re, do.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_687" id="Page_687">[Pg 687]</a></span><span class="i0">In that mansion used to be<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Free-hearted hospitality;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But that was many years before<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Jemima monkeyed with the score.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When she began her daily plunk,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Into their graves the neighbors sunk.<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Do, re, mi,<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Mi, re, do.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">To other worlds they've long since fled,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All thankful that they're safely dead.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They stood the racket while alive<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Until Jemima rose at five.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And then they laid their burdens down,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And one and all they skipped the town.<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Do, re, mi,<br /></span> +<span class="i12">Mi, re, do.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_688" id="Page_688">[Pg 688]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CRANKIDOXOLOGY2" id="CRANKIDOXOLOGY2"></a>CRANKIDOXOLOGY<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></h2> + +<h3>BY WALLACE IRWIN</h3> + +<h3>(<i>Being a Mental Attitude from Bernard Pshaw</i>)</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">It's wrong to be thoroughly human,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's stupid alone to be good,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And why should the "virtuous" woman<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Continue to do as she should?<br /></span> +<span class="i2">(It's stupid to do as you should!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">For I'd rather be famous than pleasant,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'd rather be rude than polite;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">It's easy to sneer<br /></span> +<span class="i4">When you're witty and queer,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And I'd rather be Clever than Right.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I'm bored by mere Shakespeare and Milton,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Though Hubbard compels me to rave;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If <i>I</i> should lay laurels to wilt on<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That foggy Shakespearean grave,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">How William would squirm in his grave!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">For I'd rather be Pshaw than be Shakespeare,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'd rather be Candid than Wise;<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And the way I amuse<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Is to roundly abuse<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The Public I feign to despise.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_689" id="Page_689">[Pg 689]</a></span></div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I'm a Socialist, loving my brother<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In quite an original way,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With my maxim, "Detest One Another"—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Though, faith, I don't mean what I say.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">(It's beastly to mean what you say!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">For I'm fonder of talk than of Husbands,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And I'm fonder of fads than of Wives,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">So I say unto you,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">If you don't as you do<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You will do as you don't all your lives.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">My "Candida's" ruddy as coral,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With thoughts quite too awfully plain—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If folks would just call me Immoral<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'd feel that I'd not lived in vain.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">(It's nasty, this living in vain!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">For I'd rather be Martyred than Married,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'd rather be tempted than tamed,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">And if <i>I</i> had my way<br /></span> +<span class="i4">(At least, so I say)<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All Babes would be labeled, "Unclaimed."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I'm an epigrammatical Moses,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Whose humorous tablets of stone<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Condemn affectations and poses—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Excepting a few of my own.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">(I dote on a few of my own.)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">For my method of booming the market<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When Managers ask for a play<br /></span> +<span class="i4">Is to say on a bluff,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">"I'm so fond of my stuff<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That I don't want it acted—go 'way!"<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_690" id="Page_690">[Pg 690]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I'm the club-ladies' Topic of Topics,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Where solemn discussions are spent<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In struggles as hot as the tropics,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Attempting to find what I meant.<br /></span> +<span class="i1">(<i>I</i> never can tell what I meant!)<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">For it's fun to make bosh of the Gospel,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And it's sport to make gospel of Bosh,<br /></span> +<span class="i4">While divorcées hurrah<br /></span> +<span class="i4">For the Sayings of Pshaw<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And his sub-psychological Josh.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_691" id="Page_691">[Pg 691]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="MY_HONEY_MY_LOVE" id="MY_HONEY_MY_LOVE"></a>MY HONEY, MY LOVE</h2> + +<h3>BY JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Hit's a mighty fur ways up de Far'well Lane,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You may ax Mister Crow, you may ax Mr. Crane,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dey'll make you a bow, en dey'll tell you de same,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hit's a mighty fur ways fer ter go in de night,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>My honey, my love, my heart's delight</i>—<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>My honey, my love!</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Mister Mink, he creeps twel he wake up de snipe,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Mister Bull-Frog holler, Come alight my pipe!<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">En de Pa'tridge ax, Ain't yo' peas ripe?<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Better not walk erlong dar much atter night,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>My honey, my love, my heart's delight</i>—<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>My honey, my love!</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">De Bully-Bat fly mighty close ter de groun',<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Mister Fox, he coax 'er, Do come down!<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_692" id="Page_692">[Pg 692]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Mister Coon, he rack all 'roun' en 'roun',<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In de darkes' night, oh, de nigger, he's a sight!<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>My honey, my love, my heart's delight</i>—<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>My honey, my love!</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh, flee, Miss Nancy, flee ter my knee,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Lev'n big, fat coons liv' in one tree,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Oh, ladies all, won't you marry me?<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Tu'n lef, tu'n right, we'll dance all night,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>My honey, my love, my heart's delight</i>—<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>My honey, my love!</i><br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">De big Owl holler en cry fer his mate,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Oh, don't stay long! Oh, don't stay late!<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Hit ain't so mighty fur ter de Good-by Gate,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Whar we all got ter go w'en we sing out de night,<br /></span> +<span class="i14">My honey, my love!<br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>My honey, my love, my heart's delight</i>—<br /></span> +<span class="i14"><i>My honey, my love!</i><br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_693" id="Page_693">[Pg 693]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_GRAND_OPERA" id="THE_GRAND_OPERA"></a>THE GRAND OPERA</h2> + +<h3>BY BILLY BAXTER</h3> + + +<p>Well, I decided to get into my class, so I started for the smoking-room. +I hadn't gone three feet till some woman held me up and began telling me +how she adored Grand Opera. I didn't even reply. I fled madly, and +remained hidden in the tall grasses of the smoking-room until it was +time to go home. Jim, should any one ever tell you that Grand Opera is +all right, he is either trying to even up or he is not a true friend. I +was over in New York with the family last winter, and they made me go +with them to <i>Die Walkure</i> at the Metropolitan Opera House. When I got +the tickets I asked the man's advice as to the best location. He said +that all true lovers of music occupied the dress-circle and balconies, +and that he had some good center dress-circle seats at three bones per. +Here's a tip, Jim. If the box man ever hands you that true-lover game, +just reach in through the little hole and soak him in the solar for me. +It's coming to him. I'll give you my word of honor we were a quarter of +a mile from the stage. We went up in an elevator, were shown to our +seats, and who was right behind us but my old pal, Bud Hathaway, from +Chicago. Bud had his two sisters with him, and he gave me one sad look, +which said plainer than words, "So you're up against it, too, eh!" We +introduced all hands around, and about nine o'clock the curtain went up. +After we had waited fully ten minutes, out came a big, fat, greasy +looking Dago<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_694" id="Page_694">[Pg 694]</a></span> with nothing on but a bear robe. He went over to the side +of the stage and sat down on a bum rock. It was plainly to be seen, even +from my true lovers' seat, that his bearlets was sorer than a dog about +something. Presently in came a woman, and none of the true lovers seemed +to know who she was. Some said it was Melba, others Nordica. Bud and I +decided that it was May Irwin. We were mistaken, though, as Irwin has +this woman lashed to the mast at any time or place. As soon as Mike the +Dago espied the dame it was all off. He rushed and drove a straight-arm +jab, which had it reached would have given him the purse. But shifty +Sadie wasn't there. She ducked, side-stepped, and landed a clever +half-arm hook, which seemed to stun the big fellow. They clinched, and +swayed back and forth, growling continually, while the orchestra played +this trembly Eliza-crossing-the-ice music. Jim, I'm not swelling this a +bit. On the level, it happened just as I write it. All of a sudden some +one seemed to win. They broke away, and ran wildly to the front of the +stage with their arms outstretched, yelling to beat three of a kind. The +band cut loose something fierce. The leader tore out about $9.00 worth +of hair, and acted generally as though he had bats in his belfry. I +thought sure the place would be pinched. It reminded me of Thirsty +Thornton's dance-hall out in Merrill, Wisconsin, when the Silent Swede +used to start a general survival of the fittest every time Mamie the +Mink danced twice in succession with the young fellow from Albany, whose +father owned the big mill up Rough River. Of course, this audience was +perfectly orderly, and showed no intention whatever of cutting in, and +there were no chairs or glasses in the air, but I am forced to admit +that the opera had Thornton's faded for noise. I asked Bud what the +trouble was, and he answered that I could search<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_695" id="Page_695">[Pg 695]</a></span> him. The audience +apparently went wild. Everybody said "Simply sublime!" "Isn't it grand?" +"Perfectly superb!" "Bravo!" etc.; not because they really enjoyed it, +but merely because they thought it was the proper thing to do. After +that for three solid hours Rough House Mike and Shifty Sadie seemed to +be apologizing to the audience for their disgraceful street brawl, which +was honestly the only good thing in the show. Along about twelve o'clock +I thought I would talk over old times with Bud, but when I turned his +way I found my tired and trusty comrade "Asleep at the Switch."</p> + +<p>At the finish, the woman next to me, who seemed to be on, said that the +main lady was dying. After it was too late, Mike seemed kind of sorry. +He must have give her the knife or the drops, because there wasn't a +minute that he could look in on her according to the rules. He laid her +out on the bum rock, they set off a lot of red fire for some unknown +reason, and the curtain dropped at 12:25. Never again for my money. Far +be it from me knocking, but any time I want noise I'll take to a +boiler-shop or a Union Station, where I can understand what's coming +off. I'm for a good-mother show. Do you remember <i>The White Slave</i>, Jim? +Well, that's me. Wasn't it immense where the main lady spurned the +leering villain's gold and exclaimed with flashing eye, "Rags are royal +raiment when worn for virtue's sake." Great! <i>The White Slave</i> had <i>Die +Walkure</i> beaten to a pulp, and they don't get to you for three cases +gate-money, either.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_696" id="Page_696">[Pg 696]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="IN_A_STATE_OF_SIN3" id="IN_A_STATE_OF_SIN3"></a>IN A STATE OF SIN<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a></h2> + +<h3>BY OWEN WISTER</h3> + + +<p>Judge and Mrs. Henry, Molly Wood, and two strangers, a lady and a +gentleman, were the party which had been driving in the large +three-seated wagon. They had seemed a merry party. But as I came within +hearing of their talk, it was a fragment of the minister's sonority +which reached me first:</p> + +<p>"... more opportunity for them to have the benefit of hearing frequent +sermons," was the sentence I heard him bring to completion.</p> + +<p>"Yes, to be sure, sir." Judge Henry gave me (it almost seemed) +additional warmth of welcome for arriving to break up the present +discourse. "Let me introduce you to the Rev. Dr. Alexander MacBride. +Doctor, another guest we have been hoping for about this time," was my +host's cordial explanation to him of me. There remained the gentleman +with his wife from New York, and to these I made my final bows. But I +had not broken up the discourse.</p> + +<p>"We may be said to have met already." Dr. MacBride had fixed upon me his +full, mastering eye; and it occurred to me that if they had policemen in +heaven, he would be at least a centurion in the force. But he did not +mean to be unpleasant; it was only that in a mind full of matters less +worldly, pleasure was left out. "I observed your friend was a skilful +horseman," he continued. "I was saying to Judge Henry that I could wish +such skilful<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_697" id="Page_697">[Pg 697]</a></span> horsemen might ride to a church upon the Sabbath. A +church, that is, of right doctrine, where they would have opportunity to +hear frequent sermons."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Judge Henry, "yes. It would be a good thing."</p> + +<p>Mrs. Henry, with some murmur about the kitchen, here went into the +house.</p> + +<p>"I was informed," Dr. MacBride held the rest of us, "before undertaking +my journey that I should find a desolate and mainly godless country. But +nobody gave me to understand that from Medicine Bow I was to drive three +hundred miles and pass no church of any faith."</p> + +<p>The Judge explained that there had been a few a long way to the right +and left of him. "Still," he conceded, "you are quite right. But don't +forget that this is the newest part of a new world."</p> + +<p>"Judge," said his wife, coming to the door, "how can you keep them +standing in the dust with your talking?"</p> + +<p>This most efficiently did break up the discourse. As our little party, +with the smiles and the polite holdings back of new acquaintanceship, +moved into the house, the Judge detained me behind all of them long +enough to whisper dolorously, "He's going to stay a whole week."</p> + +<p>I had hopes that he would not stay a whole week when I presently learned +of the crowded arrangements which our hosts, with many hospitable +apologies, disclosed to us. They were delighted to have us, but they +hadn't foreseen that we should all be simultaneous. The foreman's house +had been prepared for two of us, and did we mind? The two of us were Dr. +MacBride and myself; and I expected him to mind. But I wronged him +grossly. It would be much better, he assured Mrs. Henry, than straw in a +stable, which he had tried several times, and was quite ready for. So I +saw that though he kept his vigorous<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_698" id="Page_698">[Pg 698]</a></span> body clean when he could, he cared +nothing for it in the face of his mission. How the foreman and his wife +relished being turned out during a week for a missionary and myself was +not my concern, although while he and I made ready for supper over +there, it struck me as hard on them. The room with its two cots and +furniture was as nice as possible; and we closed the door upon the +adjoining room, which, however, seemed also untenanted.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Henry gave us a meal so good that I have remembered it, and her +husband, the Judge, strove his best that we should eat it in merriment. +He poured out his anecdotes like wine, and we should have quickly warmed +to them; but Dr. MacBride sat among us, giving occasional heavy ha-ha's, +which produced, as Miss Molly Wood whispered to me, a "dreadfully +cavernous effect." Was it his sermon, we wondered, that he was thinking +over? I told her of the copious sheaf of them I had seen him pull from +his wallet over at the foreman's. "Goodness!" said she. "Then are we to +hear one every evening?" This I doubted; he had probably been picking +one out suitable for the occasion. "Putting his best foot foremost," was +her comment; "I suppose they have best feet, like the rest of us." Then +she grew delightfully sharp. "Do you know, when I first heard him I +thought his voice was hearty. But if you listen, you'll find it's merely +militant. He never really meets you with it. He's off on his hill +watching the battle-field the whole time."</p> + +<p>"He will find a hardened pagan here."</p> + +<p>"Judge Henry?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no! The wild man you're taming. He's brought you <i>Kenilworth</i> safe +back."</p> + +<p>She was smooth. "Oh, as for taming him! But don't you find him +intelligent?"</p> + +<p>Suddenly I somehow knew that she didn't want to tame<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_699" id="Page_699">[Pg 699]</a></span> him. But what did +she want to do? The thought of her had made him blush this afternoon. No +thought of him made her blush this evening.</p> + +<p>A great laugh from the rest of the company made me aware that the Judge +had consummated his tale of the "Sole Survivor."</p> + +<p>"And so," he finished, "they all went off as mad as hops because it +hadn't been a massacre." Mr. and Mrs. Ogden—they were the New +Yorkers—gave this story much applause, and Dr. MacBride half a minute +later laid his "ha-ha," like a heavy stone, upon the gaiety.</p> + +<p>"I'll never be able to stand seven sermons," said Miss Wood to me.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>"Do you often have these visitations?" Ogden inquired of Judge Henry. +Our host was giving us whisky in his office, and Dr. MacBride, while we +smoked apart from the ladies, had repaired to his quarters in the +foreman's house previous to the service which he was shortly to hold.</p> + +<p>The Judge laughed. "They come now and then through the year. I like the +bishop to come. And the men always like it. But I fear our friend will +scarcely please them so well."</p> + +<p>"You don't mean they'll—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no. They'll keep quiet. The fact is, they have a good deal better +manners than he has, if he only knew it. They'll be able to bear him. +But as for any good he'll do—"</p> + +<p>"I doubt if he knows a word of science," said I, musing about the +Doctor.</p> + +<p>"Science! He doesn't know what Christianity is yet. I've entertained +many guests, but none—The whole secret," broke off Judge Henry, "lies +in the way you treat<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_700" id="Page_700">[Pg 700]</a></span> people. As soon as you treat men as your brothers, +they are ready to acknowledge you—if you deserve it—as their superior. +That's the whole bottom of Christianity, and that's what our missionary +will never know."</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Thunder sat imminent upon the missionary's brow. Many were to be at his +mercy soon. But for us he had sunshine still. "I am truly sorry to be +turning you upside down," he said importantly. "But it seems the best +place for my service." He spoke of the table pushed back and the chairs +gathered in the hall, where the storm would presently break upon the +congregation. "Eight-thirty?" he inquired.</p> + +<p>This was the hour appointed, and it was only twenty minutes off. We +threw the unsmoked fractions of our cigars away, and returned to offer +our services to the ladies. This amused the ladies. They had done +without us. All was ready in the hall.</p> + +<p>"We got the cook to help us," Mrs. Ogden told me, "so as not to disturb +your cigars. In spite of the cow-boys, I still recognize my own +country."</p> + +<p>"In the cook?" I rather densely asked.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no! I don't have a Chinaman. It's in the length of after-dinner +cigars."</p> + +<p>"Had you been smoking," I returned, "you would have found them short +this evening."</p> + +<p>"You make it worse," said the lady; "we have had nothing but Dr. +MacBride."</p> + +<p>"We'll share him with you now," I exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"Has he announced his text? I've got one for him," said Molly Wood, +joining us. She stood on tiptoe and spoke it comically in our ears. "'I +said in my haste, All men are liars.'" This made us merry as we stood +among the chairs in the congested hall.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_701" id="Page_701">[Pg 701]</a></span></p> + +<p>I left the ladies, and sought the bunk house. I had heard the cheers, +but I was curious also to see the men, and how they were taking it. +There was but little for the eye. There was much noise in the room. They +were getting ready to come to church,—brushing their hair, shaving, and +making themselves clean, amid talk occasionally profane and continuously +diverting.</p> + +<p>"Well, I'm a Christian, anyway," one declared.</p> + +<p>"I'm a Mormon, I guess," said another.</p> + +<p>"I belong to the Knights of Pythias," said a third.</p> + +<p>"I'm a Mohammedist," said a fourth; "I hope I ain't goin' to hear +nothin' to shock me."</p> + +<p>What with my feelings at Scipio's discretion, and my human curiosity, I +was not in that mood which best profits from a sermon. Yet even though +my expectations had been cruelly left quivering in mid air, I was not +sure how much I really wanted to "keep around." You will therefore +understand how Dr. MacBride was able to make a prayer and to read +Scripture without my being conscious of a word that he had uttered. It +was when I saw him opening the manuscript of his sermon that I suddenly +remembered I was sitting, so to speak, in church, and began once more to +think of the preacher and his congregation. Our chairs were in the front +line, of course; but, being next the wall, I could easily see the +cow-boys behind me. They were perfectly decorous. If Mrs. Ogden had +looked for pistols, dare-devil attitudes, and so forth, she must have +been greatly disappointed. Except for their weather-beaten cheeks and +eyes, they were simply American young men with mustaches and without, +and might have been sitting, say, in Danbury, Connecticut. Even Trampas +merged quietly with the general placidity. The Virginian did not, to be +sure, look like Danbury, and his frame and his features showed out<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_702" id="Page_702">[Pg 702]</a></span> of +the mass; but his eyes were upon Dr. MacBride with a creamlike +propriety.</p> + +<p>Our missionary did not choose Miss Wood's text. He made his selection +from another of the Psalms; and when it came, I did not dare to look at +anybody; I was much nearer unseemly conduct than the cow-boys. Dr. +MacBride gave us his text sonorously, "'They are altogether become +filthy; There is none of them that doeth good, no, not one.'" His eye +showed us plainly that present company was not excepted from this. He +repeated the text once more, then, launching upon his discourse, gave +none of us a ray of hope.</p> + +<p>I had heard it all often before; but preached to cow-boys it took on a +new glare of untimeliness, of grotesque obsoleteness—as if some one +should say, "Let me persuade you to admire woman," and forthwith hold +out her bleached bones to you. The cow-boys were told that not only they +could do no good, but that if they did contrive to, it would not help +them. Nay, more: not only honest deeds availed them nothing, but even if +they accepted this especial creed which was being explained to them as +necessary for salvation, still it might not save them. Their sin was +indeed the cause of their damnation, yet, keeping from sin, they might +nevertheless be lost. It had all been settled for them not only before +they were born, but before Adam was shaped. Having told them this, he +invited them to glorify the Creator of the scheme. Even if damned, they +must praise the person who had made them expressly for damnation. That +is what I heard him prove by logic to these cow-boys. Stone upon stone +he built the black cellar of his theology, leaving out its beautiful +park and the sunshine of its garden. He did not tell them the splendor +of its past, the noble fortress for good that it had been, how its tonic +had strengthened genera<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_703" id="Page_703">[Pg 703]</a></span>tions of their fathers. No; wrath he spoke of, +and never once of love. It was the bishop's way, I knew well, to hold +cow-boys by homely talk of their special hardships and temptations. And +when they fell he spoke to them of forgiveness and brought them +encouragement. But Dr. MacBride never thought once of the lives of these +waifs. Like himself, like all mankind, they were invisible dots in +creation; like him, they were to feel as nothing, to be swept up in the +potent heat of his faith. So he thrust out to them none of the sweet but +all the bitter of his creed, naked and stern as iron. Dogma was his all +in all, and poor humanity was nothing but flesh for its canons.</p> + +<p>Thus to kill what chance he had for being of use seemed to me more +deplorable than it did evidently to them. Their attention merely +wandered. Three hundred years ago they would have been frightened; but +not in this electric day. I saw Scipio stifling a smile when it came to +the doctrine of original sin. "We know of its truth," said Dr. MacBride, +"from the severe troubles and distresses to which infants are liable, +and from death passing upon them before they are capable of sinning." +Yet I knew he was a good man; and I also knew that if a missionary is to +be tactless, he might almost as well be bad.</p> + +<p>I said their attention wandered, but I forgot the Virginian. At first +his attitude might have been mere propriety. One can look respectfully +at a preacher and be internally breaking all the commandments. But even +with the text I saw real attention light in the Virginian's eye. And +keeping track of the concentration that grew on him with each minute +made the sermon short for me. He missed nothing. Before the end his gaze +at the preacher had become swerveless. Was he convert or critic? Convert +was incredible. Thus was an hour passed before I had thought of time.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_704" id="Page_704">[Pg 704]</a></span></p> + +<p>When it was over we took it variously. The preacher was genial and spoke +of having now broken ground for the lessons that he hoped to instil. He +discoursed for a while about trout-fishing and about the rumored +uneasiness of the Indians northward where he was going. It was plain +that his personal safety never gave him a thought. He soon bade us good +night. The Ogdens shrugged their shoulders and were amused. That was +their way of taking it. Dr. MacBride sat too heavily on the Judge's +shoulders for him to shrug them. As a leading citizen in the Territory +he kept open house for all comers. Policy and good nature made him bid +welcome a wide variety of travelers. The cow-boy out of employment found +bed and a meal for himself and his horse, and missionaries had before +now been well received at Sunk Creek Ranch.</p> + +<p>"I suppose I'll have to take him fishing," said the Judge ruefully.</p> + +<p>"Yes, my dear," said his wife, "you will. And I shall have to make his +tea for six days."</p> + +<p>"Otherwise," Ogden suggested, "it might be reported that you were +enemies of religion."</p> + +<p>"That's about it," said the Judge. "I can get on with most people. But +elephants depress me."</p> + +<p>So we named the Doctor "Jumbo," and I departed to my quarters.</p> + +<p>At the bunk house, the comments were similar but more highly salted. The +men were going to bed. In spite of their outward decorum at the service, +they had not liked to be told that they were "altogether become filthy." +It was easy to call names; they could do that themselves. And they +appealed to me, several speaking at once, like a concerted piece at the +opera: "Say, do you believe babies go to hell?"—"Ah, of course he +don't."—"There<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_705" id="Page_705">[Pg 705]</a></span> ain't no hereafter, anyway."—"Ain't there?"—"Who told +y'u?"—"Same man as told the preacher we were all a sifted set of +sons-of-guns."—"Well, I'm going to stay a Mormon."—"Well, I'm going to +quit fleeing from temptation."—"That's so! Better get it in the neck +after a good time than a poor one." And so forth. Their wit was not +extreme, yet I should like Dr. MacBride to have heard it. One fellow put +his natural soul pretty well into words, "If I happened to learn what +they had predestinated me to do, I'd do the other thing, just to show +'em!"</p> + +<p>And Trampas? And the Virginian? They were out of it. The Virginian had +gone straight to his new abode. Trampas lay in his bed, not asleep, and +sullen as ever.</p> + +<p>"He ain't got religion this trip," said Scipio to me.</p> + +<p>"Did his new foreman get it?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Huh! It would spoil him. You keep around, that's all. Keep around."</p> + +<p>Scipio was not to be probed; and I went, still baffled, to my repose.</p> + +<p>No light burned in the cabin as I approached its door.</p> + +<p>The Virginian's room was quiet and dark; and that Dr. MacBride slumbered +was plainly audible to me, even before I entered. Go fishing with him! I +thought, as I undressed. And I selfishly decided that the Judge might +have this privilege entirely to himself. Sleep came to me fairly soon, +in spite of the Doctor. I was wakened from it by my bed's being +jolted—not a pleasant thing that night. I must have started. And it was +the quiet voice of the Virginian that told me he was sorry to have +accidentally disturbed me. This disturbed me a good deal more. But his +steps did not go to the bunk house, as my sensational mind had +suggested. He was not wearing much, and in the dimness he seemed taller +than common.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_706" id="Page_706">[Pg 706]</a></span> I next made out that he was bending over Dr. MacBride. The +divine at last sprang upright.</p> + +<p>"I am armed," he said. "Take care. Who are you?"</p> + +<p>"You can lay down your gun, seh. I feel like my spirit was going to bear +witness. I feel like I might get an enlightening."</p> + +<p>He was using some of the missionary's own language. The baffling I had +been treated to by Scipio melted to nothing in this. Did living men +petrify, I should have changed to mineral between the sheets. The Doctor +got out of bed, lighted his lamp, and found a book; and the two retired +into the Virginian's room, where I could hear the exhortations as I lay +amazed. In time the Doctor returned, blew out his lamp, and settled +himself. I had been very much awake, but was nearly gone to sleep again, +when the door creaked and the Virginian stood by the Doctor's side.</p> + +<p>"Are you awake, seh?"</p> + +<p>"What? What's that? What is it?"</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, seh. The enemy is winning on me. I'm feeling less inward +opposition to sin."</p> + +<p>The lamp was lighted, and I listened to some further exhortations. They +must have taken half an hour. When the Doctor was in bed again, I +thought that I heard him sigh. This upset my composure in the dark; but +I lay face downward in the pillow, and the Doctor was soon again +snoring. I envied him for a while his faculty of easy sleep. But I must +have dropped off myself; for it was the lamp in my eyes that now waked +me as he came back for the third time from the Virginian's room. Before +blowing the light out he looked at his watch, and thereupon I inquired +the hour of him.</p> + +<p>"Three," said he.</p> + +<p>I could not sleep any more now, and I lay watching the darkness.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_707" id="Page_707">[Pg 707]</a></span></p> + +<p>"I'm afeard to be alone!" said the Virginian's voice presently in the +next room. "I'm afeard." There was a short pause, and then he shouted +very loud, "I'm losin' my desire afteh the sincere milk of the Word!"</p> + +<p>"What? What's that? What?" The Doctor's cot gave a great crack as he +started up listening, and I put my face deep in the pillow.</p> + +<p>"I'm afeard! I'm afeard! Sin has quit being bitter in my belly."</p> + +<p>"Courage, my good man." The Doctor was out of bed with his lamp again, +and the door shut behind him. Between them they made it long this time. +I saw the window become gray; then the corners of the furniture grow +visible; and outside, the dry chorus of the blackbirds began to fill the +dawn. To these the sounds of chickens and impatient hoofs in the stable +were added, and some cow wandered by loudly calling for her calf. Next, +some one whistling passed near and grew distant. But although the cold +hue that I lay staring at through the window warmed and changed, the +Doctor continued working hard over his patient in the next room. Only a +word here and there was distinct; but it was plain from the Virginian's +fewer remarks that the sin in his belly was alarming him less. Yes, they +made this time long. But it proved, indeed, the last one. And though +some sort of catastrophe was bound to fall upon us, it was myself who +precipitated the thing that did happen.</p> + +<p>Day was wholly come. I looked at my own watch, and it was six. I had +been about seven hours in my bed, and the Doctor had been about seven +hours out of his. The door opened, and he came in with his book and +lamp. He seemed to be shivering a little, and I saw him cast a longing +eye at his couch. But the Virginian followed him even as he blew out the +now quite superfluous light. They<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_708" id="Page_708">[Pg 708]</a></span> made a noticeable couple in their +underclothes; the Virginian with his lean racehorse shanks running to a +point at his ankle, and the Doctor with his stomach and his fat +sedentary calves.</p> + +<p>"You'll be going to breakfast and the ladies, seh, pretty soon," said +the Virginian, with a chastened voice. "But I'll worry through the day +somehow without y'u. And to-night you can turn your wolf loose on me +again."</p> + +<p>Once more it was no use. My face was deep in the pillow, but I made +sounds as of a hen who has laid an egg. It broke on the Doctor with a +total instantaneous smash, quite like an egg.</p> + +<p>He tried to speak calmly. "This is a disgrace. An infamous disgrace. +Never in my life have I—" Words forsook him, and his face grew redder. +"Never in my life—" He stopped again, because, at the sight of him +being dignified in his red drawers, I was making the noise of a dozen +hens. It was suddenly too much for the Virginian. He hastened into his +room, and there sank on the floor with his head in his hands. The Doctor +immediately slammed the door upon him, and this rendered me easily fit +for a lunatic asylum. I cried into my pillow, and wondered if the Doctor +would come and kill me. But he took no notice of me whatever. I could +hear the Virginian's convulsions through the door, and also the Doctor +furiously making his toilet within three feet of my head; and I lay +quite still with my face the other way, for I was really afraid to look +at him. When I heard him walk to the door in his boots, I ventured to +peep; and there he was, going out with his bag in his hand. As I still +continued to lie, weak and sore, and with a mind that had ceased all +operation, the Virginian's door opened. He was clean and dressed and +decent, but the devil still sported in his eye. I have never seen a +creature more irresistibly handsome.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_709" id="Page_709">[Pg 709]</a></span></p> + +<p>Then my mind worked again. "You've gone and done it," said I. "He's +packed his valise. He'll not sleep here."</p> + +<p>The Virginian looked quickly out of the door. "Why, he's leavin' us!" he +exclaimed. "Drivin' away right now in his little old buggy!" He turned +to me, and our eyes met solemnly over this large fact. I thought that I +perceived the faintest tincture of dismay in the features of Judge +Henry's new, responsible, trusty foreman. This was the first act of his +administration. Once again he looked out at the departing missionary. +"Well," he vindictively stated, "I cert'nly ain't goin' to run afteh +him." And he looked at me again.</p> + +<p>"Do you suppose the Judge knows?" I inquired.</p> + +<p>He shook his head. "The windo' shades is all down still oveh yondeh." He +paused. "I don't care," he stated, quite as if he had been ten years +old. Then he grinned guiltily. "I was mighty respectful to him all +night."</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes, respectful! Especially when you invited him to turn his wolf +loose."</p> + +<p>The Virginian gave a joyous gulp. He now came and sat down on the edge +of my bed. "I spoke awful good English to him most of the time," said +he. "I can, y'u know, when I cinch my attention tight on to it. Yes, I +cert'nly spoke a lot o' good English. I didn't understand some of it +myself!"</p> + +<p>He was now growing frankly pleased with his exploit. He had builded so +much better than he knew. He got up and looked out across the crystal +world of light. "The Doctor is at one-mile crossing," he said. "He'll +get breakfast at the N-lazy-Y." Then he returned and sat again on my +bed, and began to give me his real heart. "I never set up for being +better than others. Not even to myself. My thoughts ain't apt to travel +around making comparisons. And I shouldn't wonder if my memory took as +much no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_710" id="Page_710">[Pg 710]</a></span>tice of the meannesses I have done as of—as of the other +actions. But to have to sit like a dumb lamb and let a stranger tell y'u +for an hour that yu're a hawg and a swine, just after you have acted in +a way which them that know the facts would call pretty near white—"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_711" id="Page_711">[Pg 711]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="AN_APRIL_ARIA" id="AN_APRIL_ARIA"></a>AN APRIL ARIA</h2> + +<h3>BY R.K. MUNKITTRICK</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Now, in the shimmer and sheen that dance on the leaf of the lily,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Causing the bud to explode, and gilding the poodle's chinchilla,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Gladys cavorts with the rake, and hitches the string to the lattice,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While with the trowel she digs, and gladdens the heart of the shanghai.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Now, while the vine twists about the ribs of the cast-iron Pallas,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And, on the zephyr afloat, the halcyon soul of the borax<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Blends with the scent of the soap, the brush of the white-washer's flying<br /></span> +<span class="i0">E'en as the chicken-hawk flies when ready to light on its quarry.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Out in the leaf-dappled wood the dainty hepatica's blowing,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While the fiend hammers the rug from Ispahan, Lynn, or Woonsocket,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the grim furnace is out, and over the ash heap and bottles<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Capers the "Billy" in glee, becanning his innermost Billy.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_712" id="Page_712">[Pg 712]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Now the blue pill is on tap, and likewise the sarsaparilla,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And on the fence and the barn, quite worthy of S. Botticelli,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Frisk the lithe leopard and gnu, in malachite, purple, and crimson,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That we may know at a glance the circus is out on the rampage.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Put then the flannels away and trot out the old linen duster,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Pack the bob-sled in the barn, and bring forth the baseball and racket,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For the spry Spring is on deck, performing her roseate breakdown<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Unto the tune of the van that rattles and bangs on the cobbles.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_713" id="Page_713">[Pg 713]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="MEDITATIONS_OF_A_MARINER4" id="MEDITATIONS_OF_A_MARINER4"></a>MEDITATIONS OF A MARINER<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a></h2> + +<h3>BY WALLACE IRWIN</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A-watchin' how the sea behaves<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For hours and hours I sit;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And I know the sea is full o' waves—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I've often noticed it.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">For on the deck each starry night<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The wild waves and the tame<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I counts and knows 'em all by sight<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And some of 'em by name.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And then I thinks a cove like me<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Ain't got no right to roam;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For I'm homesick when I puts to sea<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And seasick when I'm home.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_714" id="Page_714">[Pg 714]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="VICTORY5" id="VICTORY5"></a>VICTORY<a name="FNanchor_5_5" id="FNanchor_5_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a></h2> + +<h3>BY TOM MASSON</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I turned to the dictionary<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For a word I couldn't spell,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And closed the book when I found it<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And dipped my pen in the well.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then I thought to myself, "How was it?"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With a sense of inward pain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And still 'twas a little doubtful,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">So I turned to the book again.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">This time I remarked, "How easy!"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">As I muttered each letter o'er,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But when I got to the inkwell<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'Twas gone, as it went before.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then I grabbed that dictionary<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And I sped its pages through,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And under my nose I put it<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With that doubtful word in view.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I held it down with my body<br /></span> +<span class="i2">While I gripped that pen quite fast,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And I howled, as I traced each letter:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I've got you now, <i>at last</i>!"<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_715" id="Page_715">[Pg 715]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_FAMILY_HORSE" id="THE_FAMILY_HORSE"></a>THE FAMILY HORSE</h2> + +<h3>BY FREDERICK S. COZZENS</h3> + + +<p>I have bought me a horse. As I had obtained some skill in the <i>manège</i> +during my younger days, it was a matter of consideration to have a +saddle-horse. It surprised me to find good saddle-horses very abundant +soon after my consultation with the stage proprietor upon this topic. +There were strange saddle-horses to sell almost every day. One man was +very candid about his horse: he told me, if his horse had a blemish, he +wouldn't wait to be asked about it; he would tell it right out; and, if +a man didn't want him then, he needn't take him. He also proposed to put +him on trial for sixty days, giving his note for the amount paid him for +the horse, to be taken up in case the animal were returned. I asked him +what were the principal defects of the horse. He said he'd been fired +once, because they thought he was spavined; but there was no more spavin +to him than there was to a fresh-laid egg—he was as sound as a dollar. +I asked him if he would just state what were the defects of the horse. +He answered, that he once had the pink-eye, and added, "now that's +honest." I thought so, but proceeded to question him closely. I asked +him if he had the bots. He said, not a bot. I asked him if he would go. +He said he would go till he dropped down dead; just touch him with a +whip, and he'll jump out of his hide. I inquired how old he was. He +answered, just eight years, exactly—some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_716" id="Page_716">[Pg 716]</a></span> men, he said, wanted to make +their horses younger than they be; he was willing to speak right out, +and own up he was eight years. I asked him if there were any other +objections. He said no, except that he was inclined to be a little gay; +"but," he added, "he is so kind, a child can drive him with a thread." I +asked him if he was a good family horse. He replied that no lady that +ever drew rein over him would be willing to part with him. Then I asked +him his price. He answered that no man could have bought him for one +hundred dollars a month ago, but now he was willing to sell him for +seventy-five, on account of having a note to pay. This seemed such a +very low price, I was about saying I would take him, when Mrs. +Sparrowgrass whispered that I had better <i>see the horse first</i>. I +confess I was a little afraid of losing my bargain by it, but, out of +deference to Mrs. S., I did ask to see the horse before I bought him. He +said he would fetch him down. "No man," he added, "ought to buy a horse +unless he's saw him." When the horse came down, it struck me that, +whatever his qualities might be, his personal appearance was against +him. One of his fore legs was shaped like the handle of our punch-ladle, +and the remaining three legs, about the fetlock, were slightly bunchy. +Besides, he had no tail to brag of; and his back had a very hollow sweep +from his high haunches to his low shoulder-blades. I was much pleased, +however, with the fondness and pride manifested by his owner, as he held +up, by both sides of the bridle, the rather longish head of his horse, +surmounting a neck shaped like a pea-pod, and said, in a sort of +triumphant voice, "three-quarters blood!" Mrs. Sparrowgrass flushed up a +little when she asked me if I intended to purchase <i>that</i> horse, and +added, that, if I did, she would never want to ride. So I told the man +he would not suit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_717" id="Page_717">[Pg 717]</a></span> me. He answered by suddenly throwing himself upon his +stomach across the backbone of his horse, and then, by turning round as +on a pivot, got up a-straddle of him; then he gave his horse a kick in +the ribs that caused him to jump out with all his legs, like a frog, and +then off went the spoon-legged animal with a gait that was not a trot, +nor yet precisely pacing. He rode around our grass plot twice, and then +pulled his horse's head up like the cock of a musket. "That," said he, +"is <i>time</i>." I replied that he did seem to go pretty fast. "Pretty +fast!" said his owner. "Well, do you know Mr. ——?" mentioning one of +the richest men in our village. I replied that I was acquainted with +him. "Well," said he, "you know his horse?" I replied that I had no +personal acquaintance with him. "Well," said he, "he's the fastest horse +in the county—jist so—I'm willin' to admit it. But do you know I +offered to put my horse agin' his to trot? I had no money to put up, or +rayther, to spare; but I offered to trot him, horse agin' horse, and the +winner to take both horses, and I tell you—<i>he wouldn't do it!</i>"</p> + +<p>Mrs. Sparrowgrass got a little nervous, and twitched me by the skirt of +the coat "Dear," said she, "let him go." I assured her that I would not +buy the horse, and told the man firmly I would not buy him. He said, +very well—if he didn't suit 'twas no use to keep a-talkin': but he +added, he'd be down agin' with another horse, next morning, that +belonged to his brother; and if he didn't suit me, then I didn't want a +horse. With this remark he rode off....</p> + +<p>"It rains very hard," said Mrs. Sparrowgrass, looking out of the window +next morning. Sure enough, the rain was sweeping broadcast over the +country, and the four Sparrowgrassii were flattening a quartet of noses +against the window-panes, believing most faithfully the man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_718" id="Page_718">[Pg 718]</a></span> would bring +the horse that belonged to his brother, in spite of the elements. It was +hoping against hope; no man having a horse to sell will trot him out in +a rainstorm, unless he intend to sell him at a bargain—but childhood is +so credulous! The succeeding morning was bright, however, and down came +the horse. He had been very cleverly groomed, and looked pleasant under +the saddle. The man led him back and forth before the door. "There, +'squire, 's as good a hos as ever stood on iron." Mrs. Sparrowgrass +asked me what he meant by that. I replied, it was a figurative way of +expressing, in horse-talk, that he was as good a horse as ever stood in +shoe-leather. "He's a handsome hos, 'squire," said the man. I replied +that he did seem to be a good-looking animal; but, said I, "he does not +quite come up to the description of a horse I have read." "Whose hos was +it?" said he. I replied it was the horse of Adonis. He said he didn't +know him; but, he added, "there is so many hosses stolen, that the +descriptions are stuck up now pretty common." To put him at his ease +(for he seemed to think I suspected him of having stolen the horse), I +told him the description I meant had been written some hundreds of years +ago by Shakespeare, and repeated it:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Round-hooft, short-joynted, fetlocks shag and long,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Broad breast, full eyes, small head, and nostrils wide,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">High crest, short ears, straight legs, and passing strong,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Thin mane, thick tail, broad buttock, tender hide."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"'Squire," said he, "that will do for a song, but it ain't no p'ints of +a good hos. Trotters nowadays go in all shapes, big heads and little +heads, big eyes and little eyes, short ears or long ears, thick tail and +no tail; so as they have sound legs, good l'in, good barrel, and good +stifle, and wind, 'squire, and speed well, they'll fetch a price.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_719" id="Page_719">[Pg 719]</a></span> Now, +this animal is what I call a hos, 'squire; he's got the p'ints, he's +stylish, he's close-ribbed, a free goer, kind in harness—single or +double—a good feeder." I asked him if being a good feeder was a +desirable quality. He replied it was; "of course," said he, "if your hos +is off his feed, he ain't good for nothin'. But what's the use," he +added, "of me tellin' you the p'ints of a good hos? You're a hos man, +'squire: you know—" "It seems to me," said I, "there is something the +matter with that left eye." "No, <i>sir</i>" said he, and with that he pulled +down the horse's head, and, rapidly crooking his forefinger at the +suspected organ, said, "see thar—don't wink a bit." "But he should +wink," I replied. "Not onless his eye are weak," he said. To satisfy +myself, I asked the man to let me take the bridle. He did so, and as +soon as I took hold of it, the horse started off in a remarkable +retrograde movement, dragging me with him into my best bed of hybrid +roses. Finding we were trampling down all the best plants, that had cost +at auction from three-and-sixpence to seven shillings apiece, and that +the more I pulled, the more he backed, I finally let him have his own +way, and jammed him stern-foremost into our largest climbing rose that +had been all summer prickling itself, in order to look as much like a +vegetable porcupine as possible. This unexpected bit of satire in his +rear changed his retrograde movement to a sidelong bound, by which he +flirted off half the pots on the balusters, upsetting my gladioluses and +tuberoses in the pod, and leaving great splashes of mould, geraniums, +and red pottery in the gravel walk. By this time his owner had managed +to give him two pretty severe cuts with the whip, which made him +unmanageable, so I let him go. We had a pleasant time catching him +again, when he got among the Lima-bean poles; but his owner led him back +with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_720" id="Page_720">[Pg 720]</a></span> a very self-satisfied expression. "Playful, ain't he, 'squire?" I +replied that I thought he was, and asked him if it was usual for his +horse to play such pranks. He said it was not "You see, 'squire, he +feels his oats, and hain't been out of the stable for a month. Use him, +and he's as kind as a kitten." With that he put his foot in the stirrup, +and mounted. The animal really looked very well as he moved around the +grass-plot, and, as Mrs. Sparrowgrass seemed to fancy him, I took a +written guarantee that he was sound, and bought him. What I gave for him +is a secret; I have not even told Mrs. Sparrowgrass....</p> + +<p>We had passed Chicken Island, and the famous house with the stone gable +and the one stone chimney, in which General Washington slept, as he made +it a point to sleep in every old stone house in Westchester County, and +had gone pretty far on the road, past the cemetery, when Mrs. +Sparrowgrass said suddenly, "Dear, what is the matter with your horse?" +As I had been telling the children all the stories about the river on +the way, I managed to get my head pretty well inside of the carriage, +and, at the time she spoke, was keeping a lookout in front with my back. +The remark of Mrs. Sparrowgrass induced me to turn about, and I found +the new horse behaving in a most unaccountable manner. He was going down +hill with his nose almost to the ground, running the wagon first on this +side and then on the other. I thought of the remark made by the man, and +turning again to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, said, "Playful, isn't he?" The next +moment I heard something breaking away in front, and then the rockaway +gave a lurch and stood still. Upon examination I found the new horse had +tumbled down, broken one shaft, gotten the other through the check-rein +so as to bring his head up with a round turn, and besides<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_721" id="Page_721">[Pg 721]</a></span> had managed +to put one of the traces in a single hitch around his off hind leg. So +soon as I had taken all the young ones and Mrs. Sparrowgrass out of the +rockaway, I set to work to liberate the horse, who was choking very fast +with the check-rein. It is unpleasant to get your fishing-line in a +tangle when you are in a hurry for bites, but I never saw fishing-line +in such a tangle as that harness. However, I set to work with a +pen-knife, and cut him out in such a way as to make getting home by our +conveyance impossible. When he got up, he was the sleepiest-looking +horse I ever saw. "Mrs. Sparrowgrass," said I, "won't you stay here with +the children until I go to the nearest farm-house?" Mrs. Sparrowgrass +replied that she would. Then I took the horse with me to get him out of +the way of the children, and went in search of assistance. The first +thing the new horse did when he got about a quarter of a mile from the +scene of the accident was to tumble down a bank. Fortunately the bank +was not over four feet high, but as I went with him, my trousers were +rent in a grievous place. While I was getting the new horse on his feet +again, I saw a colored person approaching, who came to my assistance. +The first thing he did was to pull out a large jack-knife, and the next +thing he did was to open the new horse's mouth and run the blade two or +three times inside the new horse's gums. Then the new horse commenced +bleeding. "Dah, sah," said the man, shutting up his jack-knife, "ef 't +hadn't been for dat yer, your hos would a' bin a goner." "What was the +matter with him?" said I. "Oh, he's only jis got de blind-staggers, das +all. Say," said he, before I was half indignant enough at the man who +had sold me such an animal, "say, ain't your name Sparrowgrass?" I +replied that my name was Sparrowgrass. "Oh," said he, "I knows<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_722" id="Page_722">[Pg 722]</a></span> you, I +brung some fowls once down to you place. I heerd about you and your hos. +Dats de hos dats got de heaves so bad, heh! heh! You better sell dat +hoss." I determined to take his advice, and employed him to lead my +purchase to the nearest place where he would be cared for. Then I went +back to the rockaway, but met Mrs. Sparrowgrass and the children on the +road coming to meet me. She had left a man in charge of the rockaway. +When we got to the rockaway we found the man missing, also the whip and +one cushion. We got another person to take charge of the rockaway, and +had a pleasant walk home by moonlight. I think a moonlight night +delicious, upon the Hudson.</p> + +<p>Does any person want a horse at a low price? A good stylish-looking +animal, close-ribbed, good loin, and good stifle, sound legs, with only +the heaves and blind-staggers, and a slight defect in one of his eyes? +If at any time he slips his bridle and gets away, you can always +approach him by getting on his left side. I will also engage to give a +written guarantee that he is sound and kind, signed by the brother of +his former owner.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_723" id="Page_723">[Pg 723]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="SONNET_OF_THE_LOVABLE_LASS_AND_THE_PLETHORIC_DAD6" id="SONNET_OF_THE_LOVABLE_LASS_AND_THE_PLETHORIC_DAD6"></a>SONNET OF THE LOVABLE LASS AND THE PLETHORIC DAD<a name="FNanchor_6_6" id="FNanchor_6_6"></a><a href="#Footnote_6_6" class="fnanchor">[6]</a></h2> + +<h3>BY J.W. FOLEY</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Shee sez shee neavur neavur luvd befoar<br /></span> +<span class="i0">shee saw me passen bi hur paws frunt dore<br /></span> +<span class="i0">wenn shee wuz hangen on the gait ann i<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Lookt foolish att hur wenn ime goen bi.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Uv korse sheed hadd sum boze butt nun thatt sturd<br /></span> +<span class="i0">hur hart down too itts deppths until shee hurd<br /></span> +<span class="i0">me wissel ann shee saw mi fais. Ann wenn<br /></span> +<span class="i0">shee furst saw mee sheed neavur luv agen<br /></span> +<span class="i0">shee sedd shee noo. ann iff i shunnd hur eye<br /></span> +<span class="i0">sheed be a nunn ann bidd thee wurld good bi.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">How swete itt is wenn munnys on thee throan<br /></span> +<span class="i0">uv life to bee luvd fore ureself aloan<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ann no thatt u have gott thee powr to stur<br /></span> +<span class="i0">a woomans hart wenn u jusst look att hur.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">ann o itts sweeter still iff u kan no<br /></span> +<span class="i0">hur paw has gott jusst oshuns uv thee doe<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Ann u jusst hav to furnish luv ann hee<br /></span> +<span class="i0">wil furnish munny fore boath u ann shee.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">i wood nott kair iff shee wuz poor butt o<br /></span> +<span class="i0">itts dubley swete too no sheez gott thee doe:<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_724" id="Page_724">[Pg 724]</a></span></div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">i wood nott hezzetait iff shee wuz poor<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Too marrie hur. togeathur weed endoor<br /></span> +<span class="i0">wottever forchun sennt with rite good will<br /></span> +<span class="i0">butt sins sheeze rich itts awl thee bettur stil.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">ide luv hur in a cottidge jusst thee saim<br /></span> +<span class="i0">fore luv is such a holey sakerud flaim<br /></span> +<span class="i0">thatt burns like tindur wenn u strike a lite<br /></span> +<span class="i0">butt still itt burns moar gloarious ann brite<br /></span> +<span class="i0">wenn shee has lotts uv munny ann hur paw<br /></span> +<span class="i0">with menny thowsunds is ure fawthernlaw.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_725" id="Page_725">[Pg 725]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_LOVE_SONNETS_OF_A_HUSBAND" id="THE_LOVE_SONNETS_OF_A_HUSBAND"></a>THE LOVE SONNETS OF A HUSBAND</h2> + +<h3>BY MAURICE SMILEY</h3> + + +<h3><br />I LOVE YOU STILL</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">You ask me if I love you still, tho' you<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And I were wed scarce one short happy year<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Agone. How well do I remember, dear,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The day you put your hand in mine, and through<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Life's good and ill, tho' skies were gray or blue,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">We plighted faith that should not know a fear.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That was the day I kissed away the tear<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That trembled on your cheek like morning dew.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of course I love you—still. You're at your best,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your perihelion, when you're silentest.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'd love you as I did, dear heart, of yore,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And still a little more, nor ever tire:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Why, I would love you like a house afire<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If you were only still a little more.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>SOUL TO SOUL</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I think I loved you first when in your eyes<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I saw the glad, rapt answer to the spell<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of Paderewski, when we heard him tell<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Life's gentler meaning, Love's sweet sacrifice.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The master caught the rhythm of your sighs<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And then, inspired, the story rose and fell<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And sang of moonlight in a leafy dell,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of souls' Arcadias and dreaming skies,<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_726" id="Page_726">[Pg 726]</a></span> +<span class="i2">Of hearts and hopes and purposes that blend.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Your bosom heaved beneath the witcheries<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That seemed to set a halo on his brow,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And then the message sobbed on to its end.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"That's fine," you murmured, chewing faster; "please<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Ask him if he won't play 'Bedelia' now."<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULD DIE FOR ME</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">You said that you would die for me, if e'er<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That price would buy me happiness. I dreamed<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Not of devotion like to that, that seemed<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To joy in sacrifice; that, tenderer<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Than selfish Life's small immolations were,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Made Love an altar whereupon it deemed<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It naught to offer all; a shrine that gleamed<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With utter loyalty's red drops. I ne'er<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Believed that you were just quite in your head<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In saying death would prove Fidelity.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But when I saw the packages of white and red<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Your druggist showed me—he's my chum, you see—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I knew you meant, dear heart, just what you said,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When you declared that you would dye for me.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>I CAN NOT BEAR YOUR SIGHS</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Your smiles, dear one, have all the glad surprise<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The sunshine hath for roses; what the day<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Brings to the waiting lark. When you are gay<br /></span> +<span class="i0">My spirit sings in tune, and sorrow flies<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Away. But, dear, I can not bear your sighs<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When on my knees you nestle and you lay<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your tear-wet face upon my shoulder. Nay,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I can not help the pain that fills mine eyes.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_727" id="Page_727">[Pg 727]</a></span> +<span class="i0">So, love, whatever cup of Life you drain<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'll stand for. Send the cashier's check to me.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Smile" all you want to; smile and smile again.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But as you weigh two hundred pounds, you see<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Why, when you cuddle down upon my knee,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It is your size, dear heart, that gives me pain.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>A HAND I HELD</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The heartless years have many hopes dispelled.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But they have left me one dear night in June.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">They've left the still white splendor of the moon.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They've left the mem'ry of a hand I held,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While up thro' all my soul the rapture welled<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of victory. I hear again the croon<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of twilight time, the lullaby that soon<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To all the day's glad music shall have swelled.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I hold a hand I never held before,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">A hand like which I'll never hold some more.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It was the first time I had ever "called."<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'Twas at the club, as we began to leave.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I held five aces, but the dealer balled<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The ones that he had planted up his sleeve.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>YOUR CHEEK</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">To feel your hands stray shyly to my head<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And flutter down like birds that find their nest,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To see the gentle rise and fall of your dear breast,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To hear again some tender word you said,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To watch the little feet whose dainty tread<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Fell light as flowers upon the way they pressed,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To touch again the lips I have caressed—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All these are precious. But your cheek of red<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Outlives the mem'ry of all other things.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_728" id="Page_728">[Pg 728]</a></span> +<span class="i0">I'd known you scarce a month, or maybe two;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I had not yet made up my mind to speak,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You trots out Tifny's catalogue of rings;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Says No. 6 (200 yen) will do.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">So I remember best of all your cheek.<br /></span> +</div></div> + + +<h3>WITH ALL YOUR FAULTS</h3> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">You would not stop this side the farthest line<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of Truth, you said, nor hide one little falsity<br /></span> +<span class="i2">From my sweet faith that was too kind to see.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You said a keener vision would divine<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All failings later, bare each hid design,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Each poor disguise of loving's treachery<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That screened its weaknesses from even me.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">How oft you said those cherry lips were mine<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Alone. The cherries came in little jars,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I learned. Those auburn locks, I found with pain,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Cost forty plunks, according to the bill<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I saw. Those pearly teeth were porcelain.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">But I forgive you for each fault that mars.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With all your faults, dear heart, I love you still.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_729" id="Page_729">[Pg 729]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="HOW_WE_BOUGHT_A_SEWIN_MACHINE_AND_ORGAN" id="HOW_WE_BOUGHT_A_SEWIN_MACHINE_AND_ORGAN"></a>HOW WE BOUGHT A SEWIN' MACHINE AND ORGAN</h2> + +<h3>BY JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE</h3> + + +<p>We done dretful well last year. The crops come in first-rate, and Josiah +had five or six heads of cattle to turn off at a big price. He felt +well, and he proposed to me that I should have a sewin' machine. That +man,—though he don't coo at me so frequent as he probable would if he +had more encouragement in it, is attached to me with a devotedness that +is firm and almost cast-iron, and says he, almost tenderly: "Samantha, I +will get you a sewin' machine."</p> + +<p>Says I, "Josiah, I have got a couple of sewin' machines by me that have +run pretty well for upwards of—well it haint necessary to go into +particulars, but they have run for considerable of a spell anyway"—says +I, "I can git along without another one, though no doubt it would be +handy to have round."</p> + +<p>But Josiah hung onto that machine. And then he up and said he was goin' +to buy a organ. Thomas Jefferson wanted one too. They both seemed sot +onto that organ. Tirzah Ann took hern with her of course when she was +married, and Josiah said it seemed so awful lonesome without any Tirzah +Ann or any music, that it seemed almost as if two girls had married out +of the family instead of one. He said money couldn't buy us another +Tirzah Ann, but it would buy us a new organ, and he was determined to +have one. He said it would be so handy for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_730" id="Page_730">[Pg 730]</a></span> her to play on when she came +home, and for other company. And then Thomas J. can play quite well; he +can play any tune, almost, with one hand, and he sings first-rate, too. +He and Tirzah Ann used to sing together a sight; he sings bearatone, and +she sulfireno—that is what they call it. They git up so many +new-fangled names nowadays, that I think it is most a wonder that I +don't make a slip once in a while and git things wrong. I should, if I +hadn't got a mind like a ox for strength.</p> + +<p>But as I said, Josiah was fairly sot on that machine and organ, and I +thought I'd let him have his way. So it got out that we was goin' to buy +a sewin' machine, and a organ. Well, we made up our minds on Friday, +pretty late in the afternoon, and on Monday forenoon I was a washin', +when I heard a knock at the front door, and I wrung my hands out of the +water and went and opened it. A slick lookin' feller stood there, and I +invited him in and sot him a chair.</p> + +<p>"I hear you are talkin' about buyin' a musical instrument," says he.</p> + +<p>"No," says I, "we are goin' to buy a organ."</p> + +<p>"Well," says he, "I want to advise you, not that I have any interest in +it at all, only I don't want to see you so imposed upon. It fairly makes +me mad to see a Methodist imposed upon; I lean towards that perswasion +myself. Organs are liable to fall to pieces any minute. There haint no +dependence on 'em at all, the insides of 'em are liable to break out at +any time. If you have any regard for your own welfare and safety, you +will buy a piano. Not that I have any interest in advising you, only my +devotion to the cause of Right; pianos never wear out."</p> + +<p>"Where should we git one?" says I, for I didn't want Josiah to throw +away his property.</p> + +<p>"Well," says he, "as it happens, I guess I have got one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_731" id="Page_731">[Pg 731]</a></span> out here in the +wagon. I believe I threw one into the bottom of the wagon this mornin', +as I was a comin' down by here on business. I am glad now I did, for it +always makes me feel ugly to see a Methodist imposed upon."</p> + +<p>Josiah came into the house in a few minutes, and I told him about it, +and says I:</p> + +<p>"How lucky it is Josiah, that we found out about organs before it was +too late."</p> + +<p>But Josiah asked the price, and said he wasn't goin' to pay out no three +hundred dollars, for he wasn't able. But the man asked if we was willin' +to have it brought into the house for a spell—we could do as we was a +mind to about buyin' it; and of course we couldn't refuse, so Josiah +most broke his back a liftin' it in, and they set it up in the parlor, +and after dinner the man went away.</p> + +<p>Josiah bathed his back with linement, for he had strained it bad a +liftin' that piano, and I had jest got back to my washin' again (I had +had to put it away to git dinner) when I heerd a knockin' again to the +front door, and I pulled down my dress sleeves and went and opened it, +and there stood a tall, slim feller; and the kitchen bein' all cluttered +up I opened the parlor door and asked him in there, and the minute he +catched sight of that piano, he jest lifted up both hands, and says he:</p> + +<p>"You haint got one of them here!"</p> + +<p>He looked so horrified that it skairt me, and says I in almost tremblin' +tones:</p> + +<p>"What is the matter with 'em?" And I added in a cheerful tone, "we haint +bought it."</p> + +<p>He looked more cheerful too as I said it, and says he "You may be +thankful enough that you haint. There haint no music in 'em at all; hear +that," says he, goin' up and strikin' the very top note. It did sound +flat enough.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_732" id="Page_732">[Pg 732]</a></span></p> + +<p>Says I, "There must be more music in it than that, though I haint no +judge at all."</p> + +<p>"Well, hear that, then," and he went and struck the very bottom note. +"You see just what it is, from top to bottom. But it haint its total +lack of music that makes me despise pianos so, it is because they are so +dangerous."</p> + +<p>"Dangerous?" says I.</p> + +<p>"Yes, in thunder storms, you see;" says he, liftin' up the cover, "here +it is all wire, enough for fifty lightnin' rods—draw the lightnin' +right into the room. Awful dangerous! No money would tempt me to have +one in my house with my wife and daughter. I shouldn't sleep a wink +thinkin' I had exposed 'em to such danger."</p> + +<p>"Good land!" says I, "I never thought on it before."</p> + +<p>"Well, now you <i>have</i> thought of it, you see plainly that a organ is +jest what you need. They are full of music, safe, healthy and don't cost +half so much."</p> + +<p>Says I, "A organ was what we had sot our minds on at first."</p> + +<p>"Well, I have got one out here, and I will bring it in."</p> + +<p>"What is the price?" says I.</p> + +<p>"One hundred and ninety dollars," says he.</p> + +<p>"There won't be no need of bringin' it in at that price," says I, "for I +have heerd Josiah say, that he wouldn't give a cent over a hundred +dollars."</p> + +<p>"Well," says the feller, "I'll tell you what I'll do. Your countenance +looks so kinder natural to me, and I like the looks of the country round +here so well, that if your mind is made up on the price you want to pay, +I won't let a trifle of ninety dollars part us. You can have it for one +hundred."</p> + +<p>Well, the end on't was, he brung it in and sot it up the other end of +the parlor, and drove off. And when Josiah come in from his work, and +Thomas J. come home from Jonesville, they liked it first rate.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_733" id="Page_733">[Pg 733]</a></span></p> + +<p>But the very next day, a new agent come, and he looked awful skairt when +he katched sight of that organ, and real mad and indignant too.</p> + +<p>"That villain haint been a tryin' to get one of them organs off onto +you, has he?" says he.</p> + +<p>"What is the trouble with 'em?" says I, in a awestruck tone, for he +looked bad.</p> + +<p>"Why," says he, "there is a heavy mortgage on every one of his organs. +If you bought one of him, and paid for it, it would be liable to be took +away from you any minute when you was right in the middle of a tune, +leavin' you a settin' on the stool; and you would lose every cent of +your money."</p> + +<p>"Good gracious!" says I, for it skairt me to think what a narrow chance +we had run. Well, finally, he brung in one of hisen, and sot it up in +the kitchen, the parlor bein' full on 'em.</p> + +<p>And the fellers kep' a comin' and a goin' at all hours. For a spell, at +first, Josiah would come in and talk with 'em, but after a while he got +tired out, and when he would see one a comin' he would start on a run +for the barn, and hide, and I would have to stand the brunt of it alone. +One feller see Josiah a runnin' for the barn, and he follered him in, +and Josiah dove under the barn, as I found out afterwards. I happened to +see him a crawlin' out after the feller drove off. Josiah come in a +shakin' himself—for he was all covered with straw and feathers—and +says he:</p> + +<p>"Samantha there has got to be a change."</p> + +<p>"How is there goin' to be a change?" says I.</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you," says he, in a whisper—for fear some on 'em was +prowlin' round the house yet—"we will git up before light to-morrow +mornin', and go to Jonesville and buy a organ right out."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_734" id="Page_734">[Pg 734]</a></span></p> + +<p>I fell in with the idee, and we started for Jonesville the next mornin'. +We got there jest after the break of day, and bought it of the man to +the breakfast table. Says Josiah to me afterwards, as we was goin' down +into the village:</p> + +<p>"Let's keep dark about buyin' one, and see how many of the creeters will +be a besettin' on us to-day."</p> + +<p>So we kep' still, and there was half a dozen fellers follerin' us round +all the time a most, into stores and groceries and the manty makers, and +they would stop us on the sidewalk and argue with us about their organs +and pianos. One feller, a tall slim chap, never let Josiah out of his +sight a minute; and he follered him when he went after his horse, and +walked by the side of the wagon clear down to the store where I was, a +arguin' all the way about his piano. Josiah had bought a number of +things and left 'em to the store, and when we got there, there stood the +organ man by the side of the things, jest like a watch dog. He knew +Josiah would come and git 'em, and he could git the last word with him.</p> + +<p>Amongst other things, Josiah had bought a barrel of salt, and the piano +feller that had stuck to Josiah so tight that day, offered to help him +on with it. And the organ man—not goin' to be outdone by the other—he +offered too. Josiah kinder winked to me, and then he held the old mare, +and let 'em lift. They wasn't used to such kind of work, and it fell +back on 'em once or twice, and most squashed 'em; but they nipped to, +and lifted again, and finally got it on; but they was completely +tuckered out.</p> + +<p>And then Josiah got in, and thanked 'em for the liftin'; and the organ +man, a wipin' the sweat offen his face—that had started out in his hard +labor—said he should be down to-morrow mornin'; and the piano man, a +pantin' for breath, told Josiah not to make up his mind till <i>he</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_735" id="Page_735">[Pg 735]</a></span> came; +he should be down that night if he got rested enough.</p> + +<p>And then Josiah told 'em that he should be glad to see 'em down a +visitin' any time, but he had jest bought a organ.</p> + +<p>I don't know but what they would have laid holt of Josiah, if they +hadn't been so tuckered out; but as it was, they was too beat out to +look anything but sneakin'; and so we drove off.</p> + +<p>The manty maker had told me that day, that there was two or three new +agents with new kinds of sewin' machines jest come to Jonesville, and I +was tellin' Josiah on it, when we met a middle-aged man, and he looked +at us pretty close, and finally he asked us as he passed by, if we could +tell him where Josiah Allen lived.</p> + +<p>Says Josiah, "I'm livin' at present in a Democrat."</p> + +<p>Says I, "In this one-horse wagon, you know."</p> + +<p>Says he, "You are thinkin' of buyin' a sewin' machine, haint you?"</p> + +<p>Says Josiah, "I am a turnin' my mind that way."</p> + +<p>At that, the man turned his horse round, and follered us, and I see he +had a sewin' machine in front of his wagon. We had the old mare and the +colt, and seein' a strange horse come up so close behind us, the colt +started off full run towards Jonesville, and then run down a cross-road +and into a lot.</p> + +<p>Says the man behind us, "I am a little younger than you be, Mr. Allen; +if you will hold my horse I will go after the colt with pleasure."</p> + +<p>Josiah was glad enough, and so he got into the feller's wagon; but +before he started off, the man, says he:</p> + +<p>"You can look at that machine in front of you while I am gone. I tell +you frankly, that there haint another machine equal to it in America; it +requires no strength at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_736" id="Page_736">[Pg 736]</a></span> all; infants can run it for days at a time; or +idiots; if anybody knows enough to set and whistle, they can run this +machine; and it's especially adapted to the blind—blind people can run +it jest as well as them that can see. A blind woman last year, in one +day, made 43 dollars a makin' leather aprons; stitched them all round +the age two rows. She made two dozen of 'em, and then she made four +dozen gauze veils the same day, without changin' the needle. That is one +of the beauties of the machine, its goin' from leather to lace, and back +again, without changin' the needle. It is so tryin' for wimmen, every +time they want to go from leather to gauze and book muslin, to have to +change the needle; but you can see for yourself that it haint got its +equal in North America."</p> + +<p>He heerd the colt whinner, and Josiah stood up in the wagon, and looked +after it. So he started off down the cross road.</p> + +<p>And we sot there, feelin' considerable like a procession; Josiah holdin' +the stranger's horse, and I the old mare; and as we sot there, up driv +another slick lookin' chap, and I bein' ahead, he spoke to me, and says +he:</p> + +<p>"Can you direct me, mom, to Josiah Allen's house?"</p> + +<p>"It is about a mile from here," and I added in a friendly tone, "Josiah +is my husband."</p> + +<p>"Is he?" says he, in a genteel tone.</p> + +<p>"Yes," says I, "we have been to Jonesville, and our colt run down that +cross road, and—"</p> + +<p>"I see," says he interruptin' of me, "I see how it is." And then he went +on in a lower tone, "If you think of buyin' a sewin' machine, don't git +one of that feller in the wagon behind you—I know him well; he is one +of the most worthless shacks in the country, as you can plainly see by +the looks of his countenance. If I ever see a face in which knave and +villain is wrote down, it is on hisen.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_737" id="Page_737">[Pg 737]</a></span> Any one with half an eye can see +that he would cheat his grandmother out of her snuff handkerchief, if he +got a chance."</p> + +<p>He talked so fast that I couldn't git a chance to put in a word age ways +for Josiah.</p> + +<p>"His sewin' machines are utterly worthless; he haint never sold one yet; +he cant. His character has got out—folks know him. There was a lady +tellin' me the other day that her machine she bought of him, all fell to +pieces in less than twenty-four hours after she bought it; fell onto her +infant, a sweet little babe, and crippled it for life. I see your +husband is havin' a hard time of it with that colt. I will jest hitch my +horse here to the fence, and go down and help him; I want to have a +little talk with him before he comes back here." So he started off on +the run.</p> + +<p>I told Josiah what he said about him, for it madded me, but Josiah took +it cool. He seemed to love to set there and see them two men run. I +never <i>did</i> see a colt act as that one did; they didn't have time to +pass a word with each other, to find out their mistake, it kep' 'em so +on a keen run. They would git it headed towards us, and then it would +kick up its heels, and run into some lot, and canter round in a circle +with its head up in the air, and then bring up short ag'inst the fence; +and then they would leap over the fence. The first one had white +pantaloons on, but he didn't mind 'em; over he would go, right into +sikuta or elderbushes, and they would wave their hats at it, and holler, +and whistle, and bark like dogs, and the colt would whinner and start +off again right the wrong way, and them two men would go a pantin' after +it. They had been a runnin' nigh onto half an hour, when a good lookin' +young feller come along, and seein' me a settin' still and holdin' the +old mare, he up and says:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_738" id="Page_738">[Pg 738]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Are you in any trouble that I can assist you?"</p> + +<p>Says I, "We are goin' home from Jonesville, Josiah and me, and our colt +got away and—"</p> + +<p>But Josiah interrupted me, and says he, "And them two fools a caperin' +after it, are sewin' machine agents."</p> + +<p>The good lookin' chap see all through it in a minute, and he broke out +into a laugh it would have done your soul good to hear, it was so clear +and hearty, and honest. But he didn't say a word; he drove out to go by +us, and we see then that he had a sewin' machine in the buggy.</p> + +<p>"Are you a agent?" says Josiah.</p> + +<p>"Yes," says he.</p> + +<p>"What sort of a machine is this here?" says Josiah, liftin' up the cloth +from the machine in front of him.</p> + +<p>"A pretty good one," says the feller, lookin' at the name on it.</p> + +<p>"Is yours as good?" says Josiah.</p> + +<p>"I think it is better," says he. And then he started up his horse.</p> + +<p>"Hello! stop!" says Josiah.</p> + +<p>The feller stopped.</p> + +<p>"Why don't you run down other fellers' machines, and beset us to buy +yourn?"</p> + +<p>"Because I don't make a practice of stoppin' people on the street."</p> + +<p>"Do you haunt folks day and night; foller 'em up ladders, through +trap-doors, down sullers, and under barns?"</p> + +<p>"No," says the young chap, "I show people how my machine works; if they +want it, I sell it; and if they don't, I leave."</p> + +<p>"How much is your machine?" says Josiah.</p> + +<p>"75 dollars."</p> + +<p>"Can't you," says Josiah, "because I look so much like your old father, +or because I am a Methodist, or because<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_739" id="Page_739">[Pg 739]</a></span> my wife's mother used to live +neighbor to your grandmother—let me have it for 25 dollars?"</p> + +<p>The feller got up on his wagon, and turned his machine round so we could +see it plain—it was a beauty—and says he:</p> + +<p>"You see this machine, sir; I think it is the best one made, although +there is no great difference between this and the one over there; but I +think what difference there is, is in this one's favor. You can have it +for 75 dollars if you want it; if not, I will drive on."</p> + +<p>"How do you like the looks on it, Samantha?"</p> + +<p>Says I, "It is the kind I wanted to git."</p> + +<p>Josiah took out his wallet, and counted out 75 dollars, and says he:</p> + +<p>"Put that machine into that wagon where Samantha is."</p> + +<p>The good lookin' feller was jest liftin' of it in, and countin' over his +money, when the two fellers come up with the colt. It seemed that they +had had a explanation as they was comin' back; I see they had as quick +as I catched sight on 'em, for they was a walkin' one on one side of the +road, and the other on the other, most tight up to the fence. They was +most dead the colt had run 'em so, and it did seem as if their faces +couldn't look no redder nor more madder than they did as we catched +sight on 'em and Josiah thanked 'em for drivin' back the colt; but when +they see that the other feller had sold us a machine, their faces <i>did</i> +look redder and madder.</p> + +<p>But I didn't care a mite; we drove off tickled enough that we had got +through with our sufferin's with agents. And the colt had got so beat +out a runnin' and racin', that he drove home first-rate, walkin' along +by the old mare as stiddy as a deacon.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_740" id="Page_740">[Pg 740]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CHEER_FOR_THE_CONSUMER" id="CHEER_FOR_THE_CONSUMER"></a>CHEER FOR THE CONSUMER</h2> + +<h3>BY NIXON WATERMAN</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If you crowd me in the street cars till I couldn't well be flatter;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm only a consumer, and the strikers may go striking,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For it's mine to end my living if it isn't to my liking.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I am a sort of parasite without a special mission<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Except to pay the damages—mine is a queer position:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The Fates unite to squeeze me till I couldn't well be flatter,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The baker tilts the price of bread upon the vaguest rumor<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of damage to the wheat crop, but I'm only a consumer,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So it really doesn't matter, for there's no law that compells me<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To pay the added charges on the loaf of bread he sells me.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The iceman leaves a smaller piece when days are growing hotter,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But I'm only a consumer, and I do not need iced water:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And it really doesn't matter, for I'm only a consumer.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The milkman waters milk for me; there's garlic in my butter,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But I'm only a consumer, and it does no good to mutter;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I know that coal is going up and beef is getting higher,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But I'm only a consumer, and I have no need of fire;<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_741" id="Page_741">[Pg 741]</a></span> +<span class="i0">While beefsteak is a luxury that wealth alone is needing,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm only a consumer, and what need have I for feeding?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And it really doesn't matter, since I'm only a consumer.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The grocer sells me addled eggs; the tailor sells me shoddy,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm only a consumer, and I am not anybody.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The cobbler pegs me paper soles, the dairyman short-weights me,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm only a consumer, and most everybody hates me.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">There's turnip in my pumpkin pie and ashes in my pepper,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The world's my lazaretto, and I'm nothing but a leper;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So lay me in my lonely grave and tread the turf down flatter,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_742" id="Page_742">[Pg 742]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="A_DESPERATE_RACE" id="A_DESPERATE_RACE"></a>A DESPERATE RACE</h2> + +<h3>BY J.F. KELLEY</h3> + + +<p>Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party that met in the principal +hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of the +Buckeye state.</p> + +<p>It was a winter's evening, when all without was bleak and stormy and all +within were blithe and gay,—when song and story made the circuit of the +festive board, filling up the chasms of life with mirth and laughter.</p> + +<p>We had met for the express purpose of making a night of it, and the +pious intention was duly and most religiously carried out. The +Legislature was in session in that town, and not a few of the worthy +legislators were present upon this occasion.</p> + +<p>One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a big swath in +the evening's entertainment, but he was a man <i>more</i> generally known +than our worthy President, James K. Polk. That man was the famous +Captain Riley, whose "Narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty +generally known all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a fine, +fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my story was the +representative of the Dayton district, and lived near that little city +when at home. Well, Captain Riley had amused the company with many of +his far-famed and singular adventures, which, being mostly told before +and read by millions of people that have seen his book, I will not +attempt to repeat.</p> + +<p>Many were the stories and adventures told by the com<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_743" id="Page_743">[Pg 743]</a></span>pany, when it came +to the turn of a well-known gentleman who represented the Cincinnati +district. As Mr. —— is yet among the living, and perhaps not disposed +to be the subject of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give his +name. Mr. —— was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and, at +the same time, much disposed to magnify himself into a marvellous hero +whenever the opportunity offered. As Captain Riley wound up one of his +truthful though really marvellous adventures, Mr. —— coolly remarked +that the captain's story was all very <i>well</i>, but it did not begin to +compare with an adventure that he had, "once upon a time," on the Ohio, +below the present city of Cincinnati.</p> + +<p>"Let's have it!"—"Let's have it!" resounded from all hands.</p> + +<p>"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice for action and +knocking the ashes from his cigar against the arm of his +chair,—"gentlemen, I am not in the habit of spinning yarns of +marvellous or fictitious matters; and therefore it is scarcely necessary +to affirm upon the responsibility of my reputation, gentlemen, that what +I am about to tell you I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, never mind that: go on, Mr. ——," chimed the party.</p> + +<p>"Well gentlemen, in 18— I came down the Ohio River, and settled at +Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was at that time but a little +settlement of some twenty or thirty log and frame cabins, and where now +stand the Broadway Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling-houses, was +the cottage and corn-patch of old Mr. ——, the tailor, who, by the bye, +bought that land for the making of a coat for one of the settlers. Well, +I put up my cabin, with the aid of my neighbors, and put in a patch of +corn and potatoes,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_744" id="Page_744">[Pg 744]</a></span> about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about +improving my lot, house, etc.</p> + +<p>"Occasionally I took up my rifle and started off with my dog down the +river, to look up a little deer or bar meat, then very plenty along the +river. The blasted red-skins were lurking about and hovering around the +settlement, and every once in a while picked off some of our neighbors +or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red demons, and made no bones +of peppering the blasted sarpents whenever I got a sight of them. In +fact, the red rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a good many traps +to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catched napping. No, no, gentlemen, +I was too well up to 'em for that.</p> + +<p>"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take a hunt, and +traveled a long way down the river, over the bottoms and hills, but +couldn't find no <i>bar</i> nor deer. About four o'clock in the afternoon I +made tracks for the settlement again. By and by I sees a buck just ahead +of me, walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my faithful +old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting-distance, and just +as the buck stuck his nose in the drink I drew a bead upon his top-knot, +and over he tumbled, and splurged and bounded a while, when I came up +and relieved him by cutting his wizen—"</p> + +<p>"Well, but what has that to do with an <i>adventure</i>?" said Riley.</p> + +<p>"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen; by Jove, it had a great deal +to do with it. For, while I was busy skinning the hind-quarters of the +buck, and stowing away the kidney-fat in my hunting-shirt, I heard a +noise like the breaking of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My +dog heard it, and started up to reconnoiter, and I lost no time in +reloading my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out before my dog raised +a howl and broke through<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_745" id="Page_745">[Pg 745]</a></span> the brush toward me with his tail down, as he +was not used to doing unless there were wolves, painters (panthers), or +Injins about.</p> + +<p>"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in a skulking trot +up the river. The frequent gullies on the lower bank made it tedious +traveling there, so I scrabbled up to the upper bank, which was pretty +well covered with buckeye and sycamore, and very little underbrush. One +peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red rascals, +gentlemen, as you ever clapped your eyes on! Yes, there they came, not +above six hundred yards in my rear, shouting and yelling like hounds, +and coming after me like all possessed."</p> + +<p>"Well," said an old woodsman, sitting at the table, "you took a tree, of +course."</p> + +<p>"Did I? No, gentlemen, I took no tree just then, but I took to my heels +like sixty, and it was just as much as my old dog could do to keep up +with me. I run until the whoops of my red-skins grew fainter and fainter +behind me, and, clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me, and +there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing, not three hundred +yards in my rear. He had got on to a piece of bottom where the trees +were small and scarce. 'Now,' thinks I, 'old fellow, I'll have you.' So +I trotted off at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and +when he had got just about near enough I wheeled and fired, and down I +brought him, dead as a door-nail, at a hundred and twenty yards!"</p> + +<p>"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman.</p> + +<p>"Very clear of it, gentlemen; for by the time I got my rifle loaded, +here came the other two red-skins, shouting and whooping close on me, +and away I broke again like a quarter-horse. I was now about five miles +from the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_746" id="Page_746">[Pg 746]</a></span> settlement, and it was getting toward sunset. I ran till my +wind began to be pretty short, when I took a look back, and there they +came, snorting like mad buffaloes, one about two or three hundred yards +ahead of the other: so I acted possum again until the foremost Injin got +pretty well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was +'drawing a bead' on me: he fell head over stomach into the dirt, and up +came the last one!"</p> + +<p>"So you laid for him, and—" gasped several.</p> + +<p>"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him, I hadn't time to +load, so I laid my <i>legs</i> to ground and started again. I heard every +bound he made after me. I ran and ran until the fire flew out of my +eyes, and the old dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard +long!"</p> + +<p>"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody.</p> + +<p>"Fact, gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't know: rifle empty, no +big trees about, and a murdering red Indian not three hundred yards in +my rear; and what was worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not +a great ways from a big creek (now called Mill Creek), and there I +should be pinned at last.</p> + +<p>"Just at this juncture, I struck my toe against a root, and down I +tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I could scrabble up—"</p> + +<p>"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman.</p> + +<p>"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under the shoulder; +but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon my locomotion, for as soon +as I got up I took off again, quite freshened by my fall! I heard the +red-skin close behind me coming booming on, and every minute I expected +to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders.</p> + +<p>"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs into my boots—"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_747" id="Page_747">[Pg 747]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the old woodsman, in +a great state of excitement.</p> + +<p>"I thought so," said the Senator; "but what do you think it was?"</p> + +<p>Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the blazes it could +be; when Riley observed,—</p> + +<p>"I suppose you had—"</p> + +<p>"Melted the deer-fat which I had stuck in the breast of my +hunting-shirt, and the grease was running down my leg until my feet got +so greasy that my heavy boots flew off, and one, hitting the dog, nearly +knocked his brains out."</p> + +<p>We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed,—</p> + +<p>"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think I'm exaggerating?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, certainly not! Go on, Mr. ——," we all chimed in.</p> + +<p>"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and, being relieved of my +heavy boots, I put off with double-quick time, and, seeing the creek +about half a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what +kind of chance there was to hold up and load. The red-skin was coming +jogging along, pretty well blowed out, about five hundred yards in the +rear. Thinks I, 'Here goes to load, anyhow.' So at it I went: in went +the powder, and, putting on my patch, down went the ball about half-way, +and off snapped my ramrod!"</p> + +<p>"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman, who was worked up to +the top-notch in the "member's" story.</p> + +<p>"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the red whelp within two +hundred yards of me, pacing along and <i>loading up his rifle as he came</i>! +I jerked out the broken ramrod, dashed it away, and started on, priming<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_748" id="Page_748">[Pg 748]</a></span> +up as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red-skin a blast, +anyhow, as soon as I reached the creek.</p> + +<p>"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could see the smoke from +the settlement chimneys. A few more jumps, and I was by the creek. The +Indian was close upon me: he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle: on he +came, knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not down: another +whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty yards of me. I pulled trigger, +and—"</p> + +<p>"And killed <i>him</i>?" chuckled Riley.</p> + +<p>"No, <i>sir</i>! I missed fire!"</p> + +<p>"And the red-skin—" shouted the old woodsman, in a frenzy of +excitement.</p> + +<p>"<i>Fired and killed me!</i>"</p> + +<p>The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought landlord Noble, +servants and hostlers running up stairs to see if the house was on +fire!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_749" id="Page_749">[Pg 749]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="AS_GOOD_AS_A_PLAY" id="AS_GOOD_AS_A_PLAY"></a>"AS GOOD AS A PLAY"</h2> + +<h3>BY HORACE E. SCUDDER</h3> + + +<p>There was quite a row of them on the mantel-piece. They were all facing +front, and it looked as if they had come out of the wall behind, and +were on their little stage facing the audience. There was the bronze +monk reading a book by the light of a candle, who had a private opening +under his girdle, so that sometimes his head was thrown violently back, +and one looked down into him and found him full of brimstone matches. +Then the little boy leaning against a greyhound; he was made of Parian, +very fine Parian, too, so that one would expect to find a glass cover +over him: but no, the glass cover stood over a cat and a cat made of +worsted, too: still it was a very old cat, fifty years old in fact. +There was another young person there, young like the boy leaning on a +greyhound, and she, too, was of Parian: she was very fair in front, but +behind—ah, that is a secret which is not quite time yet to tell. One +other stood there, at least she seemed to stand, but nobody could see +her feet, for her dress was so very wide and so finely flounced. She was +the china girl that rose out of a pen-wiper.</p> + +<p>The fire in the grate below was of soft coal, and flashed up and down, +throwing little jets of flame up that made very pretty foot-lights. So +here was a stage, and here were the actors, but where was the audience? +Oh, the Audience was in the arm-chair in front. He had a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_750" id="Page_750">[Pg 750]</a></span> special seat; +he was a critic, and could get up when he wanted to, when the play +became tiresome, and go out.</p> + +<p>"It is painful to say such things out loud," said the +Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound, with a trembling voice, "but we have +been together so long, and these people round us never will go away. +Dear girl, will you?—you know." It was the Parian girl that he spoke +to, but he did not look at her; he could not, he was leaning against the +greyhound; he only looked at the Audience.</p> + +<p>"I am not quite sure," she coughed. "If, now, you were under a glass +case."</p> + +<p>"I am under a glass case," spoke up the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Marry me. +I am fifty years old. Marry me, and live under a glass case."</p> + +<p>"Shocking!" said she. "How can you? Fifty years old, too! That would +indeed be a match!"</p> + +<p>"Marry!" muttered the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "A match! I am full of +matches, but I don't marry. Folly!"</p> + +<p>"You stand up very straight, neighbor," said the Cat-made-of-worsted.</p> + +<p>"I never bend," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "Life is earnest. I +read a book by candle. I am never idle."</p> + +<p>The Cat-made-of-worsted grinned to himself.</p> + +<p>"You've got a hinge in your back," said he, "they open you in the +middle; your head flies back. How the blood must run down. And then +you're full of brimstone matches. He! he!" and the Cat-made-of-worsted +grinned out loud. The Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound spoke again, and +sighed:</p> + +<p>"I am of Parian, you know, and there is no one else here of Parian +except yourself."</p> + +<p>"And the greyhound," said the Parian girl.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_751" id="Page_751">[Pg 751]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Yes, and the greyhound," said he eagerly. "He belongs to me. Come, a +glass case is nothing to it. We could roam; oh, we could roam!"</p> + +<p>"I don't like roaming."</p> + +<p>"Then we could stay at home, and lean against the greyhound."</p> + +<p>"No," said the Parian girl, "I don't like that."</p> + +<p>"Why?"</p> + +<p>"I have private reasons."</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"No matter."</p> + +<p>"I know," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "I saw her behind. She's hollow. +She's stuffed with lamp-lighters. He! he!" and the Cat-made-of-worsted +grinned again.</p> + +<p>"I love you just as much," said the steadfast +Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound, "and I don't believe the Cat."</p> + +<p>"Go away," said the Parian girl, angrily. "You're all hateful. I won't +have you."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" sighed the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" came another sigh—it was from the +China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper—"how I pity you!"</p> + +<p>"Do you?" said he eagerly. "Do you? Then I love you. Will you marry me?"</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she; "but—"</p> + +<p>"She can't!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "She can't come to you. She +hasn't got any legs. I know it. I'm fifty years old. I never saw them."</p> + +<p>"Never mind the Cat," said the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound.</p> + +<p>"But I do mind the Cat," said she, weeping. "I haven't. It's all +pen-wiper."</p> + +<p>"Do I care?" said he.</p> + +<p>"She has thoughts," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "That lasts +longer than beauty. And she is solid behind."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_752" id="Page_752">[Pg 752]</a></span></p> + +<p>"And she has no hinge in her back," grinned the Cat-made-of-worsted. +"Come, neighbors, let us congratulate them. You begin."</p> + +<p>"Keep out of disagreeable company," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book.</p> + +<p>"That is not congratulation; that is advice," said the +Cat-made-of-worsted. "Never mind, go on, my dear,"—to the Parian girl. +"What! nothing to say? Then I'll say it for you. 'Friends, may your love +last as long as your courtship.' Now I'll congratulate you."</p> + +<p>But before he could speak, the Audience got up.</p> + +<p>"You shall not say a word. It must end happily."</p> + +<p>He went to the mantel-piece and took up the +China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper.</p> + +<p>"Why, she has legs after all," said he.</p> + +<p>"They're false," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "They're false. I know +it. I'm fifty years old. I never saw true ones on her."</p> + +<p>The Audience paid no attention, but took up the +Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Come. I like this. He's hollow. +They're all hollow. He! he! Neighbor Monk, you're hollow. He! he!" and +the Cat-made-of-worsted never stopped grinning. The Audience lifted the +glass case from him and set it over the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound +and the China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper.</p> + +<p>"Be happy!" said he.</p> + +<p>"Happy!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Happy!"</p> + +<p>Still they were happy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_753" id="Page_753">[Pg 753]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_AUTOCRAT_OF_THE_BREAKFAST_TABLE" id="THE_AUTOCRAT_OF_THE_BREAKFAST_TABLE"></a>THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE</h2> + +<h3>BY OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES</h3> + + +<p>It is not easy, at the best, for two persons talking together to make +the most of each other's thoughts, there are so many of them.</p> + +<p>[The company looked as if they wanted an explanation.]</p> + +<p>When John and Thomas, for instance, are talking together, it is natural +enough that among the six there should be more or less confusion and +misapprehension.</p> + +<p>[Our landlady turned pale;—no doubt she thought there was a screw loose +in my intellects,—and that involved the probable loss of a boarder. A +severe-looking person, who wears a Spanish cloak and a sad cheek, fluted +by the passions of the melodrama, whom I understand to be the +professional ruffian of the neighboring theater, alluded, with a certain +lifting of the brow, drawing down of the corners of the mouth and +somewhat rasping <i>voce di petti</i>, to Falstaff's nine men in buckram. +Everybody looked up. I believe the old gentleman opposite was afraid I +should seize the carving-knife; at any rate, he slid it to one side, as +it were carelessly.]</p> + +<p>I think, I said, I can make it plain to Benjamin Franklin here, that +there are at least six personalities distinctly to be recognized as +taking part in that dialogue between John and Thomas.</p> + + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="Johns and Thomases"> +<tr><td align='left' rowspan='3'>Three Johns</td><td align='left'>{ 1. The real John; known only to his Maker.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>{ 2. John's ideal John; never the real one, and often very unlike him.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>{ 3. Thomas's ideal John; never the real John, nor John's John, but often very unlike either.</td></tr> +<tr><td> </td></tr> +<tr><td align='left' rowspan='3'>Three Thomases</td><td align='left'>{ 1. The real Thomas.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>{ 2. Thomas's ideal Thomas.</td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'>{ 3. John's ideal Thomas.</td></tr> +</table></div> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_754" id="Page_754">[Pg 754]</a></span></p> + +<p>Only one of the three Johns is taxed; only one can be weighed on a +platform-balance; but the other two are just as important in the +conversation. Let us suppose the real John to be old, dull and +ill-looking. But as the Higher Powers have not conferred on men the gift +of seeing themselves in the true light, John very possibly conceives +himself to be youthful, witty, and fascinating, and talks from the point +of view of this ideal. Thomas, again believes him to be an artful rogue, +we will say; therefore he <i>is</i> so far as Thomas's attitude in the +conversation is concerned, an artful rogue, though really simple and +stupid. The same conditions apply to the three Thomases. It follows, +that, until a man can be found who knows himself as his Maker knows him, +or who sees himself as others see him, there must be at least six +persons engaged in every dialogue between two. Of these, the least +important, philosophically speaking, is the one that we have called the +real person. No wonder two disputants often get angry, when there are +six of them talking and listening all at the same time.</p> + +<p>[A very unphilosophical application of the above remarks was made by a +young fellow, answering to the name of John, who sits near me at table. +A certain basket of peaches, a rare vegetable, little known to boarding +houses, was on its way to me <i>viâ</i> this unlettered Johannes. He +appropriated the three that remained in the basket, remarking that there +was just one apiece for him. I convinced him that his practical +inference was hasty and illogical, but in the mean time he had eaten the +peaches.]<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_755" id="Page_755">[Pg 755]</a></span></p> + + +<h3>"<span class="smcap">Our Sumatra Correspondence</span></h3> + +<p>"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,—having been +won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir —— Stamford, during the +stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this +gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions +(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the "Notes and Queries." +This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a +large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for +their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm +weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The +summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but +this fact can not be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar +reason, the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more +northern regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in +winter.</p> + +<p>"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper-tree +and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a +benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for +supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that +delightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D.P.] It is said, however, +that, as the oysters were of the kind called <i>natives</i> in England, the +natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, refused to touch +them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of the vessel in +which they were brought over. This information was received from one of +the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and exceedingly fond of +missionaries. He is said also to be very skilful in the <i>cuisine</i> +peculiar to the island.</p> + +<p>"During the season of gathering the pepper, the per<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_756" id="Page_756">[Pg 756]</a></span>sons employed are +subject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and +long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of these +attacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven backward +for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known principle of the +æolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, these poor +creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or are +precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost +annually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed exclusively on +this stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury +is resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the +<i>pepper-fever</i>, as it is called, cudgeled another most severely for +appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only +pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species +of swine called the <i>Peccavi</i> by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well +known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mahometan +Buddhists.</p> + +<p>"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe +and America under the familiar name of <i>macaroni</i>. The smaller twigs are +called <i>vermicelli</i>. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be +observed in the soups containing them. Macaroni, being tubular, is the +favorite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered +peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, +therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being +accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be +thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the +macaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of these +insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that +accidents from this source are comparatively rare.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_757" id="Page_757">[Pg 757]</a></span></p> + +<p>"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. The +buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with a cocoanut palm, +the cream found on the milk of the cocoanut exuding from the hybrid in +the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so as to fit +it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with cold—"</p> + +<p>—There,—I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of +these statements are highly improbable.—No, I shall not mention the +paper.—No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the style +of these popular writers. I think the fellow that wrote it must have +been reading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with his +history and geography. I don't suppose <i>he</i> lies; he sells it to the +editor, who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, who +sells it to the public—by the way, the papers have been very +civil—haven't they?—to the—the—what d'ye call it?—"Northern +Magazine,"—isn't it?—got up by some of these Come-outers, down East, +as an organ for their local peculiarities.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>It is a very dangerous thing for a literary man to indulge his love for +the ridiculous. People laugh <i>with</i> him just so long as he amuses them; +but if he attempts to be serious, they must still have their laugh, and +so they laugh <i>at</i> him. There is in addition, however, a deeper reason +for this than would at first appear. Do you know that you feel a little +superior to every man who makes you laugh, whether by making faces or +verses? Are you aware that you have a pleasant sense of patronizing him, +when you condescend so far as to let him turn somersets, literal or +literary, for your royal delight? Now if a man can only be allowed to +stand on a dais, or raised platform, and look down on his neighbor who +is exerting his talent<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_758" id="Page_758">[Pg 758]</a></span> for him, oh, it is all right!—first-rate +performance!—and all the rest of the fine phrases. But if all at once +the performer asks the gentleman to come upon the floor, and, stepping +upon the platform, begins to talk down at him,—ah, that wasn't in the +program!</p> + +<p>I have never forgotten what happened when Sydney Smith—who, as +everybody knows, was an exceedingly sensible man, and a gentleman, every +inch of him—ventured to preach a sermon on the Duties of Royalty. The +"Quarterly," "so savage and tartly," came down upon him in the most +contemptuous style, as "a joker of jokes," a "diner-out of the first +water" in one of his own phrases; sneering at him, insulting him, as +nothing but a toady of a court, sneaking behind the anonymous, would +ever have been mean enough to do to a man of his position and genius, or +to any decent person even.—If I were giving advice to a young fellow of +talent, with two or three facets to his mind, I would tell him by all +means to keep his wit in the background until after he had made a +reputation by his more solid qualities. And so to an actor: <i>Hamlet</i> +first and <i>Bob Logic</i> afterward, if you like; but don't think, as they +say poor Liston used to, that people will be ready to allow that you can +do anything great with <i>Macbeth's</i> dagger after flourishing about with +<i>Paul Pry's</i> umbrella. Do you know, too, that the majority of men look +upon all who challenge their attention,—for a while, at least,—as +beggars, and nuisances? They always try to get off as cheaply as they +can; and the cheapest of all things they can give a literary man—pardon +the forlorn pleasantry!—is the <i>funny</i>-bone. That is all very well so +far as it goes, but satisfies no man, and makes a good many angry, as I +told you on a former occasion.</p> + +<p>Oh, indeed, no!—I am not ashamed to make you laugh, occasionally. I +think I could read you something<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_759" id="Page_759">[Pg 759]</a></span> I have in my desk that would probably +make you smile. Perhaps I will read it one of these days, if you are +patient with me when I am sentimental and reflective; not just now. The +ludicrous has its place in the universe; it is not a human invention, +but one of the Divine ideas, illustrated in the practical jokes as +kittens and monkeys long before Aristophanes or Shakespeare. How curious +it is that we always consider solemnity and the absence of all gay +surprises and encounter of wits as essential to the idea of the future +life of those whom we thus deprive of half their faculties and then +called <i>blessed</i>! There are not a few who, even in this life, seem to be +preparing themselves for that smileless eternity to which they look +forward, by banishing all gaiety from their hearts and all joyousness +from their countenances. I meet one such in the street not unfrequently, +a person of intelligence and education, but who gives me (and all that +he passes) such a rayless and chilling look of recognition,—something +as if he were one of Heaven's assessors, come down to "doom" every +acquaintance he met,—that I have sometimes begun to sneeze on the spot, +and gone home with a violent cold, dating from that instant. I don't +doubt he would cut his kitten's tail off, if he caught her playing with +it. Please tell me, who taught her to play with it?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_760" id="Page_760">[Pg 760]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="CAESARS_QUIET_LUNCH_WITH_CICERO" id="CAESARS_QUIET_LUNCH_WITH_CICERO"></a>CÆSAR'S QUIET LUNCH WITH CICERO</h2> + +<h3>BY JAMES T. FIELDS</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Have you read how Julius Cæsar<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Made a call on Cicero<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In his modest Formian villa,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Many and many a year ago?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I shall pass your way," wrote Cæsar,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"On the Saturnalia, Third,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And I'll just drop in, my Tullius,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For a quiet friendly word:<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Don't make a stranger of me, Marc,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Nor be at all put out,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A snack of anything you have<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Will serve my need, no doubt.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I wish to show my confidence—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The invitation's mine—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I come to share your simple food,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And taste your honest wine."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Up rose M. Tullius Cicero,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And seized a Roman punch,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then mused upon the god-like soul<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Was coming round to lunch.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_761" id="Page_761">[Pg 761]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"By Hercules!" he murmured low<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Unto his lordly self,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"There are not many dainties left<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Upon my pantry shelf!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"But what I have shall Julius share.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">What, ho!" he proudly cried,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Great Cæsar comes this way anon<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To sit my chair beside.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"A dish of lampreys quickly stew,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And cook them with a turn,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For that's his favorite pabulum<br /></span> +<span class="i2">From Mamurra I learn."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"> * * * * * * * * * *<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">His slaves obey their lord's command;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The table soon is laid<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For two distinguished gentlemen,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">One rather bald, 'tis said.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">When lo! a messenger appears<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To sound approach—and then,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Brave Cæsar comes to greet his friend<br /></span> +<span class="i2">With <i>twice a thousand men</i>!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"His cohorts rend the air with shouts;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That is their dust you see;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The trumpeters announce him near!"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Said Marcus, "Woe is me!<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Fly, Cassius, fly! assign a guard!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Borrow what tents you can!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Encamp his soldiers round the field,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or I'm a ruined man!<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_762" id="Page_762">[Pg 762]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Get sheep and oxen by the score!<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Buy corn at any price!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">O Jupiter! befriend me now,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And give me your advice!"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"> * * * * * * * * * *<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">It turned out better than he feared,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Things proved enough and good,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And Cæsar made himself at home,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And much enjoyed his food.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">But Marcus had an awful fright,—<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>That</i> can not be denied;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"I'm glad 'tis over!"—when it was—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The host sat down and sighed,<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">And when he wrote to Atticus,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And all the story told,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He ended his epistle thus:<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"J.C.'s a warrior bold,<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"A vastly entertaining man,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In Learning quite immense,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So full of literary skill,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And most uncommon sense,<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"But, frankly, I should never say<br /></span> +<span class="i2">'No trouble, sir, at all;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when you pass this way again,<br /></span> +<span class="i2"><i>Give us another call!</i>'"<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_763" id="Page_763">[Pg 763]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="COMIN_HOME_THANKSGIVIN" id="COMIN_HOME_THANKSGIVIN"></a>COMIN' HOME THANKSGIVIN'</h2> + +<h3>BY JAMES BALL NAYLOR</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I've clean fergot my rheumatiz—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hain't nary limp n'r hobble;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm feelin' like a turkey-cock—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An' ready 'most to gobble;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm workin' spry, an' steppin' high—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An' thinkin' life worth livin'.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Fer all the children's comin' home<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All comin' home Thanksgivin'.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There's Mary up at Darby Town,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An' Sally down at Goshen,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' Billy out at Kirkersville,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An' Jim—who has a notion<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That Hackleyburg's the very place<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Fer which his soul has striven;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They're all a-comin' home ag'in—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">All comin' home Thanksgivin'.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Yes—yes! They're all a-comin' back;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">There ain't no ifs n'r maybes.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The boys'll fetch the'r wives an' kids;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The gals, th'r men an' babies.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The ol' place will be upside-down;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An' me an' Mammy driven<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To roost out in the locus' trees—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When they come home Thanksgivin'.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_764" id="Page_764">[Pg 764]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Fer Mary she has three 'r four<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Mis<i>chee</i>vous little tykes, sir,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' Sally has a houseful more—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">You never seen the like, sir;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">While Jim has six, an' Billy eight—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">They'll tear the house to flinders,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' dig the cellar out in chunks<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An' pitch it through the winders.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The gals 'll tag me to the barn;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An' climb the mows, an' waller<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All over ev'ry ton o' hay—<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An' laugh an' scream an' holler.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The boys 'll git in this an' that;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">An' git a lickin'—p'r'aps, sir—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Jest like the'r daddies used to git<br /></span> +<span class="i2">When <i>they</i> was little chaps, sir.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">But—lawzee-me!—w'y, I won't care.<br /></span> +<span class="i2">I'm jest so glad they're comin',<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I have to whistle to the tune<br /></span> +<span class="i2">That my ol' heart's a-hummin'.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' me an' Mammy—well, we think<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It's good to be a-livin',<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sence all the children's comin' home<br /></span> +<span class="i2">To spend the day Thanksgivin'.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_765" id="Page_765">[Pg 765]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="PRAISE-GOD_BAREBONES" id="PRAISE-GOD_BAREBONES"></a>PRAISE-GOD BAREBONES</h2> + +<h3>BY ELLEN MACKAY HUTCHINSON CORTISSOZ</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I and my cousin Wildair met<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And tossed a pot together—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Burnt sack it was that Molly brewed,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">For it was nipping weather.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Fore George! To see Dick buss the wench<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Set all the inn folk laughing!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">They dubbed him pearl of cavaliers<br /></span> +<span class="i2">At kissing and at quaffing.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Oddsfish!" says Dick, "the sack is rare,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And rarely burnt, fair Molly;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Twould cure the sourest Crop-ear yet<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Of Pious Melancholy."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Egad!" says I, "here cometh one<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Hath been at 's prayers but lately."<br /></span> +<span class="i0">—Sooth, Master Praise-God Barebones stepped<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Along the street sedately.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Dick Wildair, with a swashing bow,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And touch of his Toledo,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Gave Merry Xmas to the rogue<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And bade him say his Credo;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Next crush a cup to the King's health,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And eke to pretty Molly;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"'T will cure your saintliness," says Dick,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"Of Pious Melancholy."<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_766" id="Page_766">[Pg 766]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then Master Barebones stopped and frowned;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">My heart stood still a minute;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Thinks I, both Dick and I will hang,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Or else the devil's in it!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For me, I care not for old Noll,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Nor all the Rump together.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet, faith! 't is best to be alive<br /></span> +<span class="i2">In pleasant Xmas weather.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">His worship, Barebones, grimly smiled;<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"I love not blows nor brawling;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet will I give thee, fool, a pledge!"<br /></span> +<span class="i2">And, zooks! he sent Dick sprawling!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">When Moll and I helped Wildair up,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">No longer trim and jolly—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Feelst not, Sir Dick," says saucy Moll,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">"A Pious Melancholy?"<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_767" id="Page_767">[Pg 767]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_LOAFER_AND_THE_SQUIRE" id="THE_LOAFER_AND_THE_SQUIRE"></a>THE LOAFER AND THE SQUIRE</h2> + +<h3>BY PORTE CRAYON</h3> + + +<p>The squire himself was the type of a class found only among the rural +population of our Southern States—a class, the individuals of which are +connected by a general similarity of position and circumstance, but +present a field to the student of man infinite in variety, rich in +originality.</p> + +<p>As the isolated oak that spreads his umbrageous top in the meadow +surpasses his spindling congener of the forest, so does the country +gentleman, alone in the midst of his broad estate, outgrow the man of +crowds and conventionalities in our cities. The oak may have the +advantage in the comparison, as his locality and consequent superiority +are permanent. The Squire, out of his own district, we ignore. Whether +intrinsically, or simply in default of comparison, at home he is +invariably a great man. Such, at least, was Squire Hardy. Sour and +cynical in speech, yet overflowing with human kindness; contemning +luxury and expense in dress and equipage, but princely in his +hospitality; praising the olden time to the disparagement of the +present; the mortal foe of progressionists and fast people in every +department; above all, a philosopher of his own school, he judged by the +law of Procrustes, and permitted no appeals; opinionated and arbitrary +as the Czar, he was sauced by his negroes, respected and loved by his +neighbors, led by the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_768" id="Page_768">[Pg 768]</a></span> nose by his wife and daughters, and the abject +slave of his grandchildren.</p> + +<p>His house was as big as a barn, and, as his sons and daughters married, +they brought their mates home to the old mansion. "It will be time +enough for them to hive," quoth the Squire, "when the old box is full."</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding his contempt for fast men nowadays, he is rather pleased +with any allusion to his own youthful reputation in that line, and not +unfrequently tells a good story on himself. We can not omit one told by +a neighbor, as being characteristic of the times and manners forty years +ago:</p> + +<p>At Culpepper Court-house, or some court-house thereabout, Dick Hardy, +then a good-humored, gay young bachelor, and the prime favorite of both +sexes, was called upon to carve the pig at the court dinner. The +district judge was at the table, the lawyers, justices, and everybody +else that felt disposed to dine. At Dick's right elbow sat a militia +colonel, who was tricked out in all the pomp and circumstance admitted +by his rank. He had probably been engaged on some court-martial, +imposing fifty-cent fines on absentees from the last general muster. +Howbeit Dick, in thrusting his fork into the back of the pig, +bespattered the officer's regimentals with some of the superfluous +gravy. "Beg your pardon," said Dick, as he went on with his carving. Now +these were times when the war spirit was high, and chivalry at a +premium. "Beg your pardon" might serve as a napkin to wipe the stain +from one's honor, but did not touch the question of the greased and +spotted regimentals.</p> + +<p>The colonel, swelling with wrath, seized a spoon, and deliberately +dipping it into the gravy, dashed it over Dick's prominent shirt-frill.</p> + +<p>All saw the act, and with open eyes and mouth sat in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_769" id="Page_769">[Pg 769]</a></span> astonished +silence, waiting to see what would be done next. The outraged citizen +calmly laid down his knife and fork, and looked at his frill, the +officer, and the pig, one after another. The colonel, unmindful of the +pallid countenance and significant glances of the burning eye, leaned +back in his chair, with arms akimbo, regarding the young farmer with +cool disdain. A murmur of surprise and indignation arose from the +congregated guests. Dick's face turned red as a turkey-gobbler's. He +deliberately took the pig by the hind legs, and with a sudden whirl +brought it down upon the head of the unlucky officer. Stunned by the +squashing blow, astounded and blinded with streams of gravy and wads of +stuffing, he attempted to rise, but blow after blow from the fat pig +fell upon his bewildered head. He seized a carving-knife and attempted +to defend himself with blind but ineffectual fury, and at length, with a +desperate effort, rose and took to his heels. Dick Hardy, whose wrath +waxed hotter and hotter, followed, belaboring him unmercifully at every +step, around the table, through the hall, and into the street, the crowd +shouting and applauding.</p> + +<p>We are sorry to learn that among this crowd were lawyers, sheriffs, +magistrates, and constables; and that even his honor the judge, +forgetting his dignity and position, shouted in a loud voice, "Give it +to him, Dick Hardy! There's no law in Christendom against basting a man +with a roast pig!" Dick's weapon failed before his anger; and when at +length the battered colonel escaped into the door of a friendly +dwelling, the victor had nothing in his hands but the hind legs of the +roaster. He re-entered the dining-room flourishing these over his head, +and venting his still unappeased wrath in great oaths.</p> + +<p>The company reassembled, and finished their dinner as best they might. +In reply to a toast, Hardy made a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_770" id="Page_770">[Pg 770]</a></span> speech, wherein he apologized for +sacrificing the principal dinner-dish, and, as he expressed it, for +putting public property to private uses. In reply to this speech a treat +was ordered. In those good old days folks were not so virtuous but that +a man might have cakes and ale without being damned for it, and it is +presumable the day wound up with a spree.</p> + +<p>After the squire got older, and a family grew up around him, he was not +always victorious in his contests. For example, a question lately arose +about the refurnishing of the house. On their return from a visit to +Richmond the ladies took it into their heads that the parlors looked +bare and old-fashioned, and it was decided by them in secret conclave +that a change was necessary.</p> + +<p>"What!" said he, in a towering passion, "isn't it enough that you spend +your time and money in vinegar to sour sweet peaches, and your sugar to +sweeten crab-apples, that you must turn the house you were born in +topsy-turvy? God help us! we've a house with windows to let the light +in, and you want curtains to keep it out; we've plastered the walls to +make them white, and now you want to paste blue paper over them; we've +waxed floors to walk on, and we must pay two dollars a yard for a carpet +to save the oak plank! Begone with your nonsense, ye demented jades!"</p> + +<p>The squire smote the oak floor with his heavy cane, and the rosy +petitioners fled from his presence laughing. In due time, however, the +parlors were furnished with carpets, curtains, paper, and all the +fixtures of modern luxury. The ladies were, of course, greatly +delighted; and while professing great aversion and contempt for the +"tawdry lumber," it was plain to see that the worthy man enjoyed their +pleasure as much as they did the new furniture.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_771" id="Page_771">[Pg 771]</a></span></p> + +<p>On another occasion, too, did the doughty squire suffer defeat under +circumstances far more humiliating, and from an adversary far less +worthy.</p> + +<p>The western horizon was blushing rosy red at the coming of the sun, +whose descending chariot was hidden by the thick Indian-summer haze that +covered lowland and mountain as it were with a violet-tinted veil. This +was the condition of things (we were going to say) when Squire Hardy +sallied forth, charged with a small bag of salt, for the purpose of +looking after his farm generally, and particularly of salting his sheep. +It was an interesting sight to see the old gentleman, with his +dignified, portly figure, marching at the head of a long procession of +improved breeds—the universally-received emblems of innocence and +patience. Barring his modern costume, he might have suggested to the +artist's mind a picture of one of the Patriarchs.</p> + +<p>Having come to a convenient place, or having tired himself crying +<i>co-nan</i>, <i>co-nan</i>, at the top of his voice, the squire halted. The +black ram halted, and the long procession of ewes and well-grown lambs +moved up in a dense semicircle, and also halted, expressing their +pleasure at the expected treat by gentle bleatings. The squire stooped +to spread the salt. The black ram, either from most uncivil impatience, +or mistaking the movement of the proprietor's coat-tail for a challenge, +pitched into him incontinently. "<i>Plenum sed</i>," as the Oxonions say. An +attack from behind, so sudden and unexpected, threw the squire sprawling +on his face into a stone pile.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh, never was the thunder's jar,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">The red tornado's wasting wing,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or all the elemental war,<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>like the fury of Squire Hardy on that occasion.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_772" id="Page_772">[Pg 772]</a></span></p> + +<p>He recovered his feet with the agility of a boy, his nose bleeding and a +stone in each hand. The timid flock looked all aghast, while the +audacious offender, so far from having shown any disposition to skulk, +stood shaking his head and threatening, as if he had a mind to follow up +the dastardly attack. The squire let fly one stone, which grazed the +villain's head and killed a lamb. With the other he crippled a favorite +ewe. The ram still showed fight, and the vengeful proprietor would +probably have soon decimated his flock had not Porte Crayon (who had +been squirrel-shooting) made his appearance in time to save them.</p> + +<p>"Quick, quick! young man—your gun; let me shoot the cursed brute on the +spot."</p> + +<p>The squire was frantic with rage, the cause of which our hero, having +seen something of the affray, easily divined. He was unwilling, however, +to trust his hair-triggered piece in the hands of his excited host.</p> + +<p>"By your leave, Squire, and by your orders, I'll do the shooting myself. +Which of them was it?"</p> + +<p>"The ram—the d——d black ram—kill him—shoot—don't let him live a +minute!"</p> + +<p>Crayon leveled his piece and fired. The offender made a bound and fell +dead, the black blood spouting from his forehead in a stream as thick as +your thumb.</p> + +<p>"There, now," exclaimed the squire, with infinite satisfaction, "you've +got it, you ungrateful brute! You've found something harder than your +own head at last, you cursed reptile! Friend Crayon, that's a capital +gun of yours, and you shot well."</p> + +<p>The squire dropped the stones which he had in his hands, and looking +back at the dead body of the belligerent sheep, observed, with a +thoughtful air, "He was a fine<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_773" id="Page_773">[Pg 773]</a></span> animal, Mr. Crayon—a fine animal, and +this will teach him a good lesson."</p> + +<p>"In all likelihood," replied Crayon, dryly, "it will break him of this +trick of butting."</p> + +<p>Not long after this occurrence, Squire Hardy went to hear an itinerant +phrenologist who lectured in the village. In the progress of his +discourse, the lecturer, for purposes of illustration, introduced the +skulls of several animals, mapped off in the most correct and scientific +manner.</p> + +<p>"Observe, ladies and gentlemen, the head of the wolf: combativeness +enormously developed, alimentiveness large, while conscientiousness is +entirely wanting. On the other hand, look at this cranium. Here +combativeness is a nullity—absolutely wanting—while the fullness of +the sentimental organs indicate at once the mild and peaceful +disposition of the sheep."</p> + +<p>The squire, who had listened with great attention up to this point, +hastily rose to his feet.</p> + +<p>"A sheep!" he exclaimed; "did you call a sheep a peaceful animal? I tell +you, sir, it is the most ferocious and unruly beast in existence. Sir, I +had a ram once—"</p> + +<p>"My dear sir," cried the astonished lecturer, "on the authority of our +most distinguished writers, the sheep is an emblem of peace and +innocence."</p> + +<p>"An emblem of the devil," interrupted the squire, boiling over. "You are +an ignorant impostor, and your science a humbug. I had a ram once that +would have taught you more in five seconds than you've learned from +books in all your lifetime."</p> + +<p>And so Squire Hardy put on his hat and walked out, leaving the lecturer +to rectify his blunder as best he might.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_774" id="Page_774">[Pg 774]</a></span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="DE_STOVE_PIPE_HOLE7" id="DE_STOVE_PIPE_HOLE7"></a>DE STOVE PIPE HOLE<a name="FNanchor_7_7" id="FNanchor_7_7"></a><a href="#Footnote_7_7" class="fnanchor">[7]</a></h2> + +<h3>BY WILLIAM HENRY DRUMMOND</h3> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Dat's very cole an' stormy night on Village St. Mathieu,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">W'en ev'ry wan he's go couché, an' dog was quiet, too—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Young Dominique is start heem out see Emmeline Gourdon,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was leevin' on her fader's place, Maxime de Forgeron.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Poor Dominique he's lak dat girl, an' love her mos' de tam,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' she was mak' de promise—sure—some day she be his famme,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But she have worse ole fader dat's never on de worl',<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was swear onless he's riche lak diable, no feller's get hees girl.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He's mak' it plaintee fuss about hees daughter Emmeline,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dat's mebby nice girl, too, but den, Mon Dieu, she's not de queen!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' w'en de young man's come aroun' for spark it on de door,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' hear de ole man swear "Bapteme!" he's never come no more.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_775" id="Page_775">[Pg 775]</a></span></div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Young Dominique he's sam' de res',—was scare for ole Maxime,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He don't lak risk hese'f too moche for chances seein' heem,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dat's only stormy night he come, so dark you can not see,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An dat's de reason w'y also, he's climb de gallerie.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">De girl she's waitin' dere for heem—don't care about de rain,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So glad for see young Dominique he's comin' back again,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dey bote forget de ole Maxime, an' mak de embrasser<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An affer dey was finish dat, poor Dominique is say—<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Good-by, dear Emmeline, good-by; I'm goin' very soon,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">For you I got no better chance, dan feller on de moon—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It's all de fault your fader, too, dat I be go away,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">He's got no use for me at all—I see dat ev'ry day.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"He's never meet me on de road but he is say 'Sapré!'<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' if he ketch me on de house I'm scare he's killin' me,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So I mus' lef' ole St. Mathieu, for work on 'noder place,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' till I mak de beeg for-tune, you never see ma face."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Den Emmeline say "Dominique, ma love you'll alway be<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' if you kiss me two, t'ree tam I'll not tole noboddy—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But prenez garde ma fader, please, I know he's gettin' ole—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All sam' he offen walk de house upon de stockin' sole.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Good-by, good-by, cher Dominique! I know you will be true,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I don't want no riche feller me, ma heart she go wit' you,"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dat's very quick he's kiss her den, before de fader come,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But don't get too moche pleasurement—so 'fraid de ole Bonhomme.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_776" id="Page_776">[Pg 776]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Wall! jus' about dey're half way t'roo wit all dat love beez-nesse<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Emmeline say, "Dominique, w'at for you're scare lak all de res'?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Don't see mese'f moche danger now de ole man come aroun',"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">W'en minute affer dat, dere's noise, lak' house she's fallin' down.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Den Emmeline she holler "Fire! will no wan come for me?"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' Dominique is jomp so high, near bus' de gallerie,—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Help! help! right off," somebody shout, "I'm killin' on ma place,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It's all de fault ma daughter, too, dat girl she's ma disgrace."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">He's kip it up long tam lak dat, but not hard tellin' now,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">W'at's all de noise upon de house—who's kick heem up de row?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It seem Bonhomme was sneak aroun' upon de stockin' sole,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' firs' t'ing den de ole man walk right t'roo de stove pipe hole.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">W'en Dominique is see heem dere, wit' wan leg hang below,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' 'noder leg straight out above, he's glad for ketch heem so—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">De ole man can't do not'ing, den, but swear and ax for w'y<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Noboddy tak' heem out dat hole before he's comin' die.<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_777" id="Page_777">[Pg 777]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Den Dominique he spik lak dis, "Mon cher M'sieur Gourdon<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'm not riche city feller, me, I'm only habitant,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But I was love more I can tole your daughter Emmeline,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' if I marry on dat girl, Bagosh! she's lak de Queen.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"I want you mak de promise now, before it's come too late,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' I mus' tole you dis also, dere's not moche tam for wait.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Your foot she's hangin' down so low, I'm 'fraid she ketch de cole,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Wall! if you give me Emmeline, I pull you out de hole."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Dat mak' de ole man swear more hard he never swear before,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' wit' de foot he's got above, he's kick it on de floor,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">"Non, non," he say "Sapré tonnerre! she never marry you,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' if you don't look out you get de jail on St. Mathieu."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Correc'," young Dominique is say, "mebbe de jail's tight place,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But you got wan small corner, too, I see it on de face,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So if you don't lak geev de girl on wan poor habitant,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Dat's be mese'f, I say, Bonsoir, mon cher M'sieur Gourdon."<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Come back, come back," Maxime is shout—"I promise you de girl,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I never see no wan lak you—no never on de worl'!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It's not de nice trick you was play on man dat's gettin' ole,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But do jus' w'at you lak, so long you pull me out de hole."<br /></span><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_778" id="Page_778">[Pg 778]</a></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Hooraw! Hooraw!" Den Dominique is pull heem out tout suite<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' Emmeline she's helpin' too for place heem on de feet,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' affer dat de ole man's tak' de young peep down de stair,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">W'ere he is go couché right off, an' dey go on parloir.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Nex' Sunday morning dey was call by M'sieur le Curé<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Get marry soon, an' ole Maxime geev Emmeline away;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Den affer dat dey settle down lak habitant is do,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">An' have de mos' fine familee on Village St. Mathieu.<br /></span> +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_779" id="Page_779">[Pg 779]</a></span></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_GIRL_FROM_MERCURY" id="THE_GIRL_FROM_MERCURY"></a>THE GIRL FROM MERCURY</h2> + +<h3><span class="smcap">An Interplanetary Love Story</span></h3> + +<h4><i>Being the Interpretation of Certain Phonic Vibragraphs Recorded by the +Long's Peak Wireless Installation, Now for the First Time Made Public +Through the Courtesy of Professor Caducious, Ph.D., Sometime Secretary +of the Boulder Branch of the Association for the Advancement of +Interplanetary Communication.</i></h4> + +<h3>BY HERMAN KNICKERBOCKER VIELÉ</h3> + + +<p>It is evident that the following logograms form part of a correspondence +between a young lady, formerly of Mercury, and her confidential friend +still resident upon the inferior planet. The translator has thought it +best to preserve, as far as possible, the spirit of the original by the +employment of mundane colloquialisms; the result, in spite of many +regrettable trivialities, will, it is believed, be of interest to +students of Cosmic Sociology.</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">The First Record</span></h3> + +<p>Yes, dear, it's me. I'm down here on the Earth and in our Settlement +House, safe and sound. I meant to have called you up before, but really +this is the first moment I have had to myself all day.—Yes, of course, +I said "all day." You know very well they have days and nights here, +because this restless little planet spins, or something of the sort.—I +haven't the least idea why it does so, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_780" id="Page_780">[Pg 780]</a></span> I don't care.—I did not +come here to make intelligent observations like a dowdy "Seeing Saturn" +tourist. So don't be Uranian. Try to exercise intuitive perception if I +say anything you can't understand.—What is that?—Please concentrate a +little harder.—Oh! Yes, I have seen a lot of human beings already, and +would you believe it? some of them seem almost possible—especially +<i>one</i>.—But I will come to that one later. I've got so much to tell you +all at once I scarcely know where to begin.—Yes, dear, the One happens +to be a man. You would not have me discriminate, would you, when our +object is to bring whatever happiness we can to those less fortunate +than ourselves? You know success in slumming depends first of all upon +getting yourself admired, for then the others will want to be like you, +and once thoroughly dissatisfied with themselves they are almost certain +to reform. Of course I am only a visitor here, and shall not stay long +enough to take up serious work, so Ooma says I may as well proceed along +the line of least resistance.—If you remember Ooma's enthusiasm when +she ran the Board of Missions to Inferior Planets, you can fancy her now +that she has an opportunity to carry out all her theories. Oh, she's +great!</p> + +<p>My transmigration was disappointing as an experience. It was nothing +more than going to sleep and dreaming about circles—orange circles, +yellow circles, with a thousand others of graduated shades between, and +so on through the spectrum till you pass absolute green and get a tone +or two toward blue and strike the Earth color-note. Then with me +everything got jumbled together and seemed about to take new shapes, and +I woke up in the most commonplace manner and opened my eyes to find +myself externalized in our Earth Settlement House with Ooma laughing at +me.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_781" id="Page_781">[Pg 781]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Don't stir!" she cried. "Don't lift a finger till we are sure your +specific gravity is all right." And then she pinched me to see if I was +dense enough, because the atmosphere is heavier or lighter or something +here than with us.</p> + +<p>I reminded her that matter everywhere must maintain an absolute +equilibrium with its environment, but she protested.</p> + +<p>"That's well enough in theory; you must understand that the Earth is +awfully out of tune at present, and sometimes it requires time to +readjust ourselves to its conditions."</p> + +<p>—I did not say so, but I fancy Ooma may have been undergoing +readjustment.—My dear, she has grown as pudgy as a Jupitan, and her +clothes—but then she always did look more like a spiral nebula than +anything else.</p> + +<p><i>(The record here becomes unintelligible by reason of the passage of a +thunderstorm above the summit of Long's Peak.)</i></p> + +<p>—There must be star-dust in the ether.—I never had to concentrate so +hard before.—That's all about the Settlement House, and don't accuse me +again of slighting details. I'm sure you know the place now as well as +Ooma herself, so I can go on to tell what little I have learned about +human beings.</p> + +<p>It seems I am never to admit that I was not born on Earth, for, like all +provincials, the humans pride themselves on disbelieving everything +beyond their own experience, and if they understood they would be +certain to resent intrusions from another planet. I'm sure I don't blame +them altogether when I recall those patronizing Jupitans.—And I'm told +they are awfully jealous and distrustful even of one another, herding +together for protection and governed by so many funny little tribal +codes that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_782" id="Page_782">[Pg 782]</a></span> what is right on one side of an imaginary boundary may be +wrong on the other.—Ooma considers this survival of the group-soul most +interesting, and intends to make it the subject of a paper. I mention it +only to explain why we call our Settlement a Boarding-House. A +Boarding-House, you must know, is fundamentally a hunting pack +which one can affiliate with or separate from at will.—Rather a +pale yellow idea, isn't it? Ooma thinks it necessary to conform +to it in order to be considered respectable, which is the one thing +on Earth most desired.—What, dear?—Oh, I don't know what it means +to be respectable any more than you do.—One thing more. You'll have +to draw on your imagination! Ooma is called here Mrs. Bloomer.—Her own +name was just a little too unearthly. Mrs. signifies that a woman is +married.—What?—Oh, no, no, no, nothing of the sort.—But I shall have +to leave that for another time. I'm not at all sure how it is myself.</p> + +<p>By the way, if <i>any one</i> should ask you where I am, just say I've left +the planet, and you don't know when I shall be back.—Yes, you know who +I mean.—And, dear, perhaps you might drop a hint that I detest all +foreigners, especially Jupitans.—Please don't laugh so hard; you'll get +the atmospheric molecules all woozy.—Indeed, there's not the slightest +danger here. Just fancy, if you please, beings who don't know when they +are hungry without consulting a wretched little mechanism, and who +measure their radius of conception by the length of their own feet.—Of +course I shall be on hand for the Solstice! I wouldn't miss that for an +asteroid!—Oh, did I really promise that? Well, I'll tell you about hi-m +another time.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_783" id="Page_783">[Pg 783]</a></span></p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">The Second Record</span></h3> + +<h4>THOUGH PROBABLY THIRD COMMUNICATION</h4> + +<p>—I really must not waste so much gray matter, dear, over unimportant +details. But I simply had to tell you all about my struggles with the +clothes. When Ooma came back, just as I had mastered them with the aid +of her diagrams, the dear thing was so much pleased she actually hugged +me, and I must confess the effect made me forget my discomfort. Really, +an Earth girl is not so much to be pitied if she has becoming dresses to +wear. As you may be sure I was anxious to compare myself with others, I +was glad enough to hear Ooma suggest going out.</p> + +<p>"Come on," she said, executively, "I have only a half-hour to devote to +your first walk. Keep close beside me, and remember on no account to +either dance or sing."</p> + +<p>"But if I see others dancing may I not join them?" I inquired.</p> + +<p>"You won't see anybody dancing on Broadway," she replied, a trifle +snubbily, but I resolved to escape from her as soon as possible and find +out for myself.</p> + +<p>I shall never forget my shock on discovering the sky blue instead of the +color it should be, but soon my eyes became accustomed to the change. In +fact, I have not since that first moment been able to conceive of the +sky as anything but blue. And the city?—Oh, my dear, my dear, I never +expected to encounter anything so much out of key with the essential +euphonies. Of course I have not traveled very much, but I should say +there is nothing in the universe like a street they call +Broadway—unless it be upon the lesser satellite of Mars, where the poor +people are so awfully cramped for space. When I suggested this to Ooma +she laughed and called me clever, for it seems<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_784" id="Page_784">[Pg 784]</a></span> there is a tradition +that a mob of meddling Martians once stopped on Earth long enough to +give the foolish humans false ideas about architecture and many other +matters. But I soon forgot everything in my interest in the people. Such +a poor puzzle-headed lot they are. One's heart goes out to them at once +as they push and jostle one another this way and that, with no +conceivable object other than to get anywhere but where they are in the +shortest time possible. One longs to help them; to call a halt upon +their senseless struggles; to reason with them and explain how all the +psychic force they waste might, if exerted in constructive thought, +bring everything they wish to pass. Mrs. Bloomer assures me they only +ridicule those who venture to interfere, and it will take at least a +Saturn century to so much as start them in the right direction. Our +settlement is their only hope, she says, and even we can help them only +indirectly.</p> + +<p>Not long ago, it appears, they had to choose a King or Mayor, or +whatever the creature is called who executes their silly laws, and our +people so manipulated the election that the choice fell on one of us.</p> + +<p>I thought this a really good idea, and supposed, of course, we must at +once have set about demonstrating how a planet should be managed. But +no! that was not our system, if you please. Instead of making proper +laws our agent misbehaved himself in every way the committee could +suggest, until at last the humans rose against him and put one of +themselves in his place, and after that things went just a little better +than before. This is the only way in which they can be taught. But, dear +me, isn't it tedious?</p> + +<p>Of course, I soon grew anxious for an exchange of thought with almost +any one, but it was a long while before I discovered a single person who +was not in a violent<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_785" id="Page_785">[Pg 785]</a></span> hurry. At last, however, we came upon a human +drawn apart a little from the throng, who stood with folded arms, +engaged apparently in lofty meditation. His countenance was amiable, +although a little red.</p> + +<p>Saying nothing to Ooma of my purpose, I slipped away from her, and +looking up into the creature's eyes inquired mentally the subject of his +thoughts; also, how he came to be so inordinately stout, and why he wore +bright metal buttons on his garment. But my only answer was a stupid +blink, for his mentality seemed absolutely incapable of receiving +suggestions not expressed in sounds. I observed farther that his aura +inclined too much toward violet for perfect equipoise.</p> + +<p>"G'wan out of this, and quit yer foolin'," he remarked, missing my +meaning altogether.</p> + +<p>Of course I spoke then, using the human speech quite glibly for a first +attempt, and hastened to assure him that though I had no idea of +fooling, I should not go on until my curiosity had been satisfied. But +just then Ooma found me.</p> + +<p>"My friend is a stranger," she explained to the brass-buttoned man.</p> + +<p>"Then why don't you put a string to her?" he asked.</p> + +<p>I learned later that I had been addressing one of the public jesters +employed by the community to keep Broadway from becoming intolerably +dull.</p> + +<p>"But you must not speak to people in the street," said Ooma, "not even +to policemen."</p> + +<p>"Then how am I to brighten others' lives?" I asked, more than a little +disappointed, for several humans hurrying past had turned upon me looks +indicating moods receptive of all the brightening I could give.</p> + +<p>I might have amused myself indefinitely, studying the rapid succession +of varying faces, had not Bloomer cau<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_786" id="Page_786">[Pg 786]</a></span>tioned me not to stare. She said +people would think me from the country, which is considered +discreditable, and as this reminded me that I had as yet seen nothing +growing, I asked to be shown the gardens and groves.</p> + +<p>"There is one," she said, indicating an open space not far away, where +sure enough there stood some wretched looking trees which I had not +recognized before, forgetting that, of course, leaves here must be +green. I saw no flowers growing, but presently we came upon some in a +sort of crystal bower guarded by a powerful black person. I wanted so to +ask him how he came to be black, but the memory of my last attempt at +information deterred me. Instead, I inquired if I might have some roses.</p> + +<p>"Walk in, Miss," he replied most civilly, and in I walked through the +door, past the sweetest little embryonic, who wore the vesture of a +young policeman.</p> + +<p>"Boy," I said, "have you begun to realize your soul?"</p> + +<p>"Nope," he replied. "I ain't in fractions yet."</p> + +<p>—Some stage of earthly progress, I suppose, though I did not like a +certain movement of his eyelid, and one never can tell, you know, how +hard embryonics are really striving. So I made haste to gather all the +roses I could carry, and was about to hurry after Ooma, when a person +barred my way.</p> + +<p>"Hold on!" he cried. "Ain't you forgetting something? Why don't you take +the whole lot?"</p> + +<p>"Because I have all I want for the present," I answered, rather +frightened, perceiving that his aura had grown livid, and I don't know +how I could have soothed him had not Ooma once more come to my relief. I +could see that she was annoyed with me, but she controlled herself and +placed some token in the being's hand which acted on his agitation like +a charm.</p> + +<p>As I told you, Bloomer had given me with the other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_787" id="Page_787">[Pg 787]</a></span> things, a crown of +artificial roses which, now that I had real flowers to wear, I wanted to +throw away, but this she would not permit, insisting that such a +proceeding would make the humans laugh at me—though to look into their +serious faces one would not believe this possible. The thoughts of those +about me, as I divined them, seemed anything but jocular. They came to +me incoherent and inconsecutive, a jumble of conditional premises +leading to approximate conclusions expressed in symbols having no +intrinsic meaning.—Of course, it is unfair to judge too soon, but I +have already begun to doubt the existence of direct perception among +them.—What did you say, dear?—Bother direct perception?—Well, I +wonder how <i>we</i> should like to apprehend nothing that could not be put +into words? You, I'm sure, would have the most confused ideas about +Earthly conditions if you depended entirely upon my remarks.—Now +concentrate, and you shall hear something really interesting.</p> + +<p>—No, not the One yet.—He comes later.—</p> + +<p>We had not gone far, I carrying my roses, and Bloomer not too well +pleased, as I fancied, because so many people turned to look at us +(Bloomer has retrograded physically until she is at times almost +Uranian, probably as the result of wearing black, which appears to be +the chromatic equivalent of respectability), when suddenly I became +sensible of a familiar influence, which was quite startling because so +unexpected. Looking everywhere, I caught sight of—who do you suppose? +Our old friend Tuk.—Mr. Tuck, T-u-c-k here, if you please. He was about +to enter a—a means of transportation, and though his back was towards +me, I recognized that drab aura of his at once, and projected a +reactionary impulse which was most effective.</p> + +<p>In his surprise he was for the moment in danger of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_788" id="Page_788">[Pg 788]</a></span> being trampled upon +by a rapidly moving animal.—Yes, dear, I said "animal."—I don't know +and I don't consider it at all important. I do not pretend to be +familiar with mundane zoölogy.—Tuck declared himself delighted to see +me, and so I believe he was, though he controlled his radiations in the +supercilious way he always had. But upon one point he did not leave me +long in doubt. Externally, at least, my Earthly Ego is a—</p> + +<p>(<span class="smcap">Note</span>: <i>The word which signifies a species of peach or nectarine +peculiar to the planet Mercury is doubtless used here in a symbolic +sense.</i>)</p> + +<p>—I caught on to that most interesting fact the moment his eyes rested +on me.</p> + +<p>"By all that's fair to look upon!" he cried, jumping about in a manner +human people think eccentric, "are you astral or actualized?"</p> + +<p>"See for yourself," I said, holding out my hand, which it took him +rather longer than necessary to make sure of.</p> + +<p>"Well, what on Earth brings you here? Come down to paint another planet +red?" he rattled on, believing himself amusing.</p> + +<p>"Now haven't I as much right to light on Earth as on any other bit of +cosmic dust?" I asked, laughing and forgetting how much snubbing he +requires in the delight of seeing any one I knew.</p> + +<p>Then he insisted that I had a "date" with him.—A date, as I discovered +later, means something nice to eat—and hinted very broadly that Bloomer +need not wait if she had more important matters to attend to. I must +confess she did not seem at all sorry to have me taken off her hands, +for after cautioning me to beware of a number of things I did not so +much as know by name, she shot off like a respectable old aerolite with +a black trail streaming out behind. If she remains here much longer she +will be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_789" id="Page_789">[Pg 789]</a></span> coming back upon a mission to reform <i>us</i>. As for Tuck, he +became insufferably patronizing at once.</p> + +<p>"Well, how do you like the Only Planet? and how do you like the Only +Town? and how do you like the Only Street?" he began, waving his hands +and looking about him as though there were anything here that one of +<i>us</i> could admire. But, of course, I refused to gratify him with my +crude impressions. I simply said:</p> + +<p>"You appear very well pleased with them yourself."</p> + +<p>"And so will you be," he replied, "when you have realized their +possibilities. Remark that elderly entity across the street. I have to +but exert my will that he shall sneeze and drop his eyeglasses, and +behold, there they go."—Yes, my dear, eyeglasses. They are worn on the +nose by people who imagine they can not see very well.</p> + +<p>"I consider such actions cruel and unkind," I said, at the same time +willing an embryonic girl to pick the glasses up, and though the child +was rather beyond my normal circle, I was delighted to see her obey. But +I have an idea Tuck regretted an experiment which taught me something I +might not have found out, at least for a while.</p> + +<p>I had now been on Earth several hours, and change of atmosphere gives +one a ravenous appetite. You see, I had forgotten to ask Ooma how, and +how often, humans ate, so when Tuck suggested breakfast as a form of +entertainment I put myself in sympathy with the idea at once. Besides it +is most important to know just where to find the things you want, and +you may be sure I made a lot of mental notes when we came, as presently +we did, to a tower called Astoria.</p> + +<p>I understand that the upper portions of the edifice are used for study +of the Stars, but we were made welcome on the lower story by a stately +being, who conducted us to honorable seats in an inner court. There were +small trees<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_790" id="Page_790">[Pg 790]</a></span> growing here, green, of course, but rather pretty for all +that; the people, gathered under their shade in little groups, were much +more cheerful and sustaining than any I had seen so far, and an +elemental intelligence detailed to minister to our wants seemed +well-trained and docile.</p> + +<p>"Here you have a glimpse of High Life," announced Tuck, when he had +written something on a paper.</p> + +<p>"The Higher Life?" I inquired, eagerly, and I did not like the flippant +tone in which he answered:</p> + +<p>"No, not quite—just high enough."</p> + +<p>I was beginning to be so bored by his conceit and self-complacency that +I cast my eyes about and smiled at several pleasant-looking persons, who +returned the smile and nodded in a friendly fashion, till I could +perceive Tuck's aura bristle and turn greenish-brown.</p> + +<p>"You can't possibly see any one you know here," he protested, crossly.</p> + +<p>"All the better reason why I should reach out in search of affinities," +I retorted. But after that, though I was careful to keep my eyes lowered +most of the time, I resolved to come some day to the Astoria alone and +smile at every one I liked. I don't believe I should ever know a human +if Tuck could have his way.</p> + +<p>Presently the elemental brought us delicious things, and while we ate +them Tuck talked about himself. It appears he has produced an opera here +which is a success. People throng to hear it and consider him a great +composer. At all of which, you may believe, I was astonished—just fancy +our Tuk posing as a genius!—but presently when he became elated by the +theme and hummed a bar or two, I understood. The wretch had simply +actualized a few essential harmonies—and done it very badly. I see now +why he likes so much being here, and understand why his associates are +almost altogether human. I don't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_791" id="Page_791">[Pg 791]</a></span> remember ever meeting with such deceit +and effrontery before. I was so indignant that I could feel my astral +fingers tremble. I could not bear to look at him, and as by that time I +had eaten all I could, I rose and walked directly from the court without +another word. I am sure he would have pursued me had not the elemental, +divining my wish to escape, detained him forcibly.</p> + +<p>Once in the street again, I immediately hypnotized an old lady, willing +her to go direct to Bloomer's Boarding-House while I followed behind. It +may not have been convenient for her, I am afraid, but I knew of no +other way to get back.—Dear me, the light is growing dim, and I must be +dressing for the evening. Good-by!—By the way, I forgot to tell you +something else that happened—remind me of it next time!</p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">The Third Record</span></h3> + +<p>—Yes, I remember, and you shall hear all about it before I describe an +evening at the Settlement, but it don't amount to much.—I told you how +cross and over-bearing Tuck was at the Astoria tower, and of the mean +way in which he restricted my observations. Well, of all the people in +the grove that day there was only one whom I could see without being +criticized, and he sat all alone and facing me, just behind Tuck's back. +Some green leaves hung between us, and whenever I moved my head to note +what he was doing he moved his, too, to look at me. He seemed so lonely +that I was sorry for him, but his atmosphere showed him to be neither +sullen nor Uranian, and I could not help it if I was just a little bit +responsive. Besides, Tuck, once on the subject of his opera, grew so +self-engrossed and dominant that one had either to assert one's own +mentality or become subjective.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_792" id="Page_792">[Pg 792]</a></span></p> + +<p>—No, dear, that is not the <i>only</i> reason. There may be such a thing as +an isolated reason, but I have never met one—they always go in packs. I +confess to a feeling of interest in the stranger. Nobody can look at you +with round blue eyes for half an hour steadily without exercising some +attraction, either positive or negative, and I felt, too, that he was +trying to tell me something which would have been a great deal more +interesting than Tuck's opera, and I believe had I remained a little +longer we could have understood each other between the trees just as you +and I can understand each other across the intervals of space. But then +it is so easy to be mistaken.—I had to pass quite close to him in going +out, and I am not sure I did not drop a rose.</p> + +<p>—There may be just a weenie little bit more about the Astorian, but +that will come in its proper place. Now I must get on to the +evening.—It was not much of an occasion, merely the usual gathering of +our crowd, or rather of those of us who have no special assignment for +the time in the large Council Room I have described to you.</p> + +<p>The President of the Board of Control at present is Marlow, Marlow the +Great, as he is called, the painter whose pictures did so much to +elevate the Patagonians.—No, dear, I never heard of Patagonia before, +but I'm almost sure it's not a planet.—With Marlow came a Mrs. Mopes, +who is engaged in creating schools of fiction by writing stories under +different names and then reviewing them in her own seven magazines. +Next, taking the guests at random, was Baxter, a deadly person in his +human incarnation, whose business it is to make stocks fly up or tumble +down.—I don't know what stocks are, but they must be something very +easily frightened.—Then there was a Mr. Waller, nicknamed the Reverend, +whom the Council allows to speak the truth occasionally, while<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_793" id="Page_793">[Pg 793]</a></span> the rest +of the time he tells people anything they want to hear to win their +confidence. And the two Miss Dooleys who sing so badly that thousands +who can not sing at all leave off singing altogether when they once hear +them. And Mr. Flick, who misbehaves at funerals to distract mourners +from their grief, and a Mr. O'Brien, whose duty it is to fly into +violent passions in public places just to show how unbecoming temper is.</p> + +<p>There were many others, so many I can not begin to enumerate them. Some +had written books and were known all over the planet, and some who were +not known at all had done things because there was nobody else to do +them. And some were singers and some were actors, and some were rich and +some were poor to the outside world, but in the Council Room they met +and laughed and matched experiences and made jokes; from the one who had +built a battle ship so terrible that all the other ships were burnt on +condition that his should be also, to the ordinary helpers who applaud +stupid plays till intelligent human beings become thoroughly disgusted +with bad art.</p> + +<p>In the world, of course, they are all serious enough, and often know +each other only by secret signs, while every day and night and minute +our poor earth-brothers come a little nearer the light—pushed toward +it, pulled toward it, wheedled and trickled and bullied and coaxed, and +thinking all the while how immensely clever they are, and what a +wonderful progressive, glorious age they have brought about for +themselves.—At all events, this is the rather vague composite +impression I have received of the plans and purposes of the Board of +Directors, and doubtless it is wrong.</p> + +<p>I suppose with a little trouble I might have recognized nearly every +one, but the fancy took me to suspend in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_794" id="Page_794">[Pg 794]</a></span>tuition just to see how Earth +girls feel, and you know when one is hearing a lot of pleasant things +one does not much care who happens to be saying them.</p> + +<p>I fancy Marlow thought less of me when I confessed that I am here only +for the lark, and really do not care a meteor whether the planet is ever +elevated or not. But he is a charming old fellow all the same, and the +only one of the lot who has not grown the least bit smudgy.</p> + +<p>Marlow announced that the evening would be spent in harmony with the +vibrations of Orion, and set us all at work to get in touch. I love +Orion light myself, for none other suits my aura quite so well, and I +was glad to find they had not taken up the Vega fad.—The light here? My +dear, it is not even filtered.—Some of us, no doubt for want of +practice, were rather slow about perfecting, but finally we all caught +on, and when O'Brien, no longer fat and florid, and the elder Miss +Dooley, no longer scrawny, moved out to start the dance, there was only +one who had not assumed an astral personality. Poor fellow, though I +pitied him, I did admire his spunk in holding back. It seems that as an +editor he took to telling falsehoods on his own account so often that +the Syndicate is packing him off as Special Correspondent to a tailless +comet.</p> + +<p>Tuck never came at all; either he realizes how honest people must regard +him and his opera, or else the elementals at the Astoria are still +detaining him.</p> + +<p>We had a lovely dance, and while we rested Marlow called on some of us +for specialties. Mrs. Mopes did a paragraph by a man named Henry James, +translated into action, which seemed quite difficult, and then a person +called Parker externalized a violin and gave the Laocoon in terms of +sound. To me his rendering of marble resembled terra-cotta until I +learned that the copy of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_795" id="Page_795">[Pg 795]</a></span> statue here is awfully weatherstained. +After this three pretty girls gave the Aurora Borealis by telepathic +suggestion rather well, and then I sang "Love Lives Everywhere"—just +plain so.</p> + +<p>—I know this must all sound dreadfully flat to you, quite like +"Pastimes for the Rainy Season in Neptune," but Bloomer says she doesn't +know what would happen if we should ever give a really characteristic +jolly party.</p> + +<p>We wound up with an Earth dance called the Virginia Reel, the quickest +means you ever saw for descending to a lower psychic plane. That's all I +have to tell, and quite enough, I'm sure you'll think.—What? The +Astorian? I have not seen him since.—But there is a little more, a very +little, if you are not tired.—This morning I received a gift of roses, +just like the one I dropped yesterday, brought me by the same small +embryonic I had seen in the flower shop. I asked the child in whose +intelligence the impulse had originated, and he replied:</p> + +<p>"A blue-eyed feller with a mustache, but he gave me a plunk not to +tell."</p> + +<p>I understood a plunk to be a token of confidence, and I at once +expressed displeasure at the boy's betrayal of his trust. I told him +such an act would make dark lines upon his aura which might not fade for +several days.</p> + +<p>"Say, ain't you got some message to send back?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Boy!" said I, "don't forget your little aura."</p> + +<p>"All right," he answered, "I'll tell him 'Don't forget your little +aura.' I'll bet he coughs up another plunk."</p> + +<p>I don't know what he meant, but I am very much afraid there may be some +mistake.—Oh, yes, I am quite sure to be back in time for the +Solstice.—Or at least for the Eclipse.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_796" id="Page_796">[Pg 796]</a></span></p> + + +<h3><span class="smcap">The Fourth Record</span></h3> + +<p>(<span class="smcap">Note</span>: <i>Between this logogram and the last the Long's Peak Receptive +Pulsator was unfortunately not in operation for the space of a +fortnight, as the electrician who took the instrument apart for +adjustment found it necessary to return to Denver for oil.</i>)</p> + +<p>—Yes, dear, it's me, though if I did not know personality to be +indestructible I should begin to have my doubts. I have not made any +more mistakes, that is, not any bad ones, since I went to the Astoria +alone for lunch, and the elementals were so very disagreeable just +because I had no money. I know all about money now, except exactly how +you get it, and Tuck assures me that is really of no importance. I never +told Ooma how the blue-eyed Astorian paid my bill for me, and her +perceptive faculties have grown too dull to apprehend a thing she is not +told. Fresh roses still come regularly every day, and of course I can do +no less than express my gratitude now and then.—Oh, I don't know how +often, I don't remember.—But it is ever so much pleasanter to have some +one you like to show you the way about than to depend on hypnotizing +strangers, who may have something else to do.</p> + +<p>—I told you last week about the picnic, did I not? The day, I mean, +when Bloomer took me into the country, and Tuck so far forgave my +rudeness to him as to come with us to carry the basket.—Oh, yes, +indeed, I am becoming thoroughly domesticated on Earth. And, my dear, +these humans are docility itself when you once acquire the knack of +making them do exactly as you wish, which is as easy as falling off a +log.—A <i>log</i> is the external evidence of a pre-existent tree, +cylindrical in form, and though often sticky, not sufficiently so to be +adhesive.</p> + +<p>—That picnic was so pleasant—or would have been but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_797" id="Page_797">[Pg 797]</a></span> for Bloomer's +anxiety that I should behave myself, and Tuck's anxiety that I should +not—that I determined to have another all by myself—and I have had it.</p> + +<p>I traveled to the same little dell I described before, and I put my feet +in the water just as I wasn't allowed to do the other day. And I built a +fire and almost cooked an egg and ate cake (an egg is the bud of a bird, +and cake is edible poetry) sitting on a fence.—Fences grow horizontally +and have no leaves.—Don't ask so many questions!</p> + +<p>After a while, however, I became tired of being alone, so I started off +across some beautiful green meadows toward a hillside, where I had +observed a human walking about and waving a forked wand. He proved the +strangest-looking being I have met with yet, more like those wild and +woolly space-dwellers who tumbled out when that tramp comet bumped +against our second moon. But he was a considerate person, for when he +saw me coming and divined that I should be tired, he piled up a quantity +of delicious-scented herbage for me to sit on.</p> + +<p>"Good morning, mister," I said, plumping myself down upon the mound he +had made, and he, being much more impressionable than you would suppose +from his Uranian appearance, replied:</p> + +<p>"I swan, I like your cheek."</p> + +<p>"It's a pleasant day," I said, because one is always expected to +announce some result of observation of the atmosphere. It shows at once +whether or not one is an idiot.</p> + +<p>"I call it pretty danged hot," he returned, intelligently.</p> + +<p>"Then why don't you get out of the sun?" I suggested, more to keep the +conversation fluid than because I cared a bit.</p> + +<p>"I'm a-goin' to," he answered, "just as soon as that goll-darned wagon +comes." (A "goll-darned" wagon is, I think, a wagon without springs.)<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_798" id="Page_798">[Pg 798]</a></span></p> + +<p>"What are you going to do then?" I asked, beginning to fear I should be +left alone again after all my trouble.</p> + +<p>"Goin' home to dinner," he replied, and I at once said I would go with +him.—You see, I had placed a little too much reliance on the egg.</p> + +<p>"I dunno about that, but I guess it will be all right," he urged, +hospitably, and presently the goll-darned wagon arrived with another +man, who turned out to be the first one's son and who looked as though +he bit.</p> + +<p>Together the two threw all the herbage into the wagon till it was heaped +far above their heads.</p> + +<p>"How am I ever to get up?" I asked, for I had no idea of walking any +farther, and I could see the man's white house ever so far away.</p> + +<p>"Who said you was goin' to get up at all?" inquired the biter, +disagreeably, but the other answered for me.</p> + +<p>"I said it, that's who, you consarned jay," he announced, reprovingly.</p> + +<p>When I had made them both climb up first and give me each a hand, I had +no difficulty at all in mounting, but I was very careful not to thank +the Jay, which seemed to make him more morose than ever. Then they slid +down again, and off we started.</p> + +<p>Once when we came to some lovely blue flowers growing in water near the +roadside I told the Jay to stop and wade in and pick them for me.</p> + +<p>"I'll be dogged if I do," he answered; so I said:</p> + +<p>"I don't know what being 'dogged' means, but if it is a reward for being +nice and kind and polite, I hope you will be."</p> + +<p>Whereupon he bit at me once and waded in, while the other man, whose +name, it seems, was Pop, sat down upon a stone and laughed.</p> + +<p>"Gosh! If this don't beat the cats," he said, slapping<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_799" id="Page_799">[Pg 799]</a></span> his knee, which +was his way of making himself laugh harder.</p> + +<p>I put the flowers in my hair and in my belt and wherever I could stick +them. But there was still a lot left over, and whenever we met people I +threw them some, which appeared to please Pop, but made the Jay still +more bite-y.</p> + +<p>Presently we came to a very narrow place and there, as luck would have +it, we met an automobile.—Thank goodness, I need not explain +automobile.—And who should be at the lever all alone but—the Astorian.</p> + +<p>I recognized him instantly, and he recognized me, which was, I suppose, +his reason for forgetting to stop till he had nearly run us down. In a +moment we were in the wildest tangle, though nothing need have happened +had not the Jay completely lost his temper.</p> + +<p>"Hang your picture!" he called out, savagely, "What do you want?—The +Earth?"</p> + +<p>And with that he struck the animals—the wagon was not +self-propelling—a violent blow, and they sprang forward with a lurch +which made the hay begin to slip. I tried to save myself, but there was +nothing to catch hold of, so off I slid and—oh, my dear, my dear, just +fancy it!—I landed directly in his lap.—No, not the Jay's.—Of course, +I stayed there as short a time as possible, for he was very nice about +moving up to make room for me on the seat, but I am afraid it did seem +frightfully informal just at first.</p> + +<p>"It was all the fault of that consarned Jay," I explained, as soon as I +had recovered my composure, "and I shall never ride in his goll-darned +wagon again."</p> + +<p>"I sincerely hope you will not," replied Astoria, looking at me with the +most curious expression. "It would be much better to let me take you +wherever you wish to go."</p> + +<p>"That's awfully kind of you," I said, "but I don't care<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_800" id="Page_800">[Pg 800]</a></span> to go anywhere +in particular this afternoon, except as far as possible from that +objectionable young man."</p> + +<p>The Astorian did not speak again till he had turned something in the +machine to make it back and jerk, and, once free from the upset hay, go +on again.</p> + +<p>"Say, Sissy, I thought you was comin' to take dinner," Pop called out +from under the wagon, where he had crawled for safety, and when I +replied as nicely as I could, "No, thank you, not to-day," he said +again, quite sadly as I thought, "Gosh blim me, if that don't beat the +cats!" and also several other things I could not hear because we were +moving away so rapidly.</p> + +<p>When we had gone about a hundred miles—or yards, or inches, whichever +it was—the Astorian, who had been sitting very straight, inquired if +those gentlemen—meaning Pop and Jay—were near relatives.</p> + +<p>I showed him plainly that I thought his question Uranian, and explained +that I had not a relative on Earth. Then I told him exactly how I had +come to be with them, and about my picnic and the egg. I am afraid I did +not take great pains to make the story very clear, for it was such fun +to perplex him. He is not at all like the Venus people, who have become +so superlatively clever that they are always bored to death.</p> + +<p>"Were you surprised to see me flying through the air?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no," he said; "I have always thought of you as coming to Earth in +some such way from some far-distant planet."</p> + +<p>"Oh, then, you know!" I gasped.</p> + +<p>The Astorian laughed.</p> + +<p>"I know you are the one perfect being in the world, and that is quite +enough," he said, and I saw at once that whatever he had guessed about +me he knew nothing at all of the Settlement.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_801" id="Page_801">[Pg 801]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Miss Aura," he went on,—he has called me that ever since that little +embryonic made his stupid blunder, and I have not corrected him—here it +is almost necessary to have some sort of a name—"Miss Aura, don't you +think we have been mere acquaintances long enough? I'm only human—"</p> + +<p>"Yes, of course," I interrupted, "but then that is not your fault—"</p> + +<p>"I'm glad you look upon my misfortune so charitably," he said, a trifle +more puzzled than usual, as I fancied.</p> + +<p>"It is my duty," I replied. "I want to elevate you; to brighten your +existence."</p> + +<p>"My Aura!" he whispered; and I was not quite sure whether he meant me or +not.</p> + +<p>We were moving rapidly along the broad road beside a river. There were +hills in the distance and the air from them was in the key of the +Pleiades. There were gardens everywhere full of sunlight translated into +flowers, and without an effort one divined the harmony of growing +things. I felt that something was about to happen; I knew it, but I did +not care to ask what it might be. Perhaps if I had tried I could not +have known; perhaps for that hour I was only an Earth girl and could +only know things as they know them, but I did not care.</p> + +<p>We were going faster, faster every moment.</p> + +<p>"Was it you who willed me to come out into the country?" I asked. "Have +you been watching for me and expecting me?"</p> + +<p>We were moving now as clouds that rush across a moon.</p> + +<p>"I think I have been watching for you all my life and willing you to +come," he said, which shows how dreadfully unjust we sometimes are to +humans.</p> + +<p>"While I was on another planet?" I inquired. "While<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_802" id="Page_802">[Pg 802]</a></span> we were millions +and millions of miles apart? Suppose that I had never come to Earth?"</p> + +<p>We were moving like the falling stars one journeys to the Dark +Hemisphere to see.</p> + +<p>"I should have found you all the same," he whispered, half laughing, but +his blue eyes glistened. "I do not think that space itself could +separate us."</p> + +<p>"Oh, do you realize that?" I asked, "and do you really know?"</p> + +<p>"I know I have you with me now," he said, "and that is all I care to +know."</p> + +<p>We were flying now, flying as comets fly to perihelion. The world about +was slipping from us, disintegrating and dissolving into cosmic thoughts +expressed in color. Only his eyes were actual, and the blue hills far +away, and the wind from them in the key of the Pleiades.</p> + +<p>"There shall never any more be time or space for us," he said.</p> + +<p>"But," I protested, "we must not overlook the fundamental facts."</p> + +<p>"In all the universe there is just one fact," he cried, catching my hand +in his, and then—</p> + +<p>(<span class="smcap">Note</span>: <i>Here a portion of the logogram becomes indecipherable, owing, +perhaps, to the passage of some large bird across the line of +projection. What follows is the last recorded vibragraph to date.</i>)</p> + +<p>—Yes, dear, I know I should have been more circumspect. I should have +remembered my position, but I didn't. And that's why I'm engaged to be +married.—You have to here, when you reach a certain point—I know you +will think it a great come-down for one of us, but after all do we not +owe something to our sister planets?—</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="FOOTNOTES" id="FOOTNOTES"></a>FOOTNOTES:</h2> + + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> By permission of Life Publishing Company.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> From "At the Sign of the Dollar," by Wallace Irwin. +Copyright, 1905, by Fox, Duffield & Co.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Reprinted from Mr. Owen Wister's "The Virginian." +Copyright, 1902-1904, by The Macmillan Company.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> From "Nautical Lays of a Landsman," by Wallace Irwin. +Copyright, 1904, by Dodd, Mead & Co.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_5_5" id="Footnote_5_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_5_5"><span class="label">[5]</span></a> Lippincott's Magazine.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_6_6" id="Footnote_6_6"></a><a href="#FNanchor_6_6"><span class="label">[6]</span></a> By permission of Life Publishing Company.</p></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_7_7" id="Footnote_7_7"></a><a href="#FNanchor_7_7"><span class="label">[7]</span></a> From "The Habitant and Other French Canadian Poems," by +William Henry Drummond. Copyright 1897 by G.P. Putnam's Sons.</p></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="bbox"> +<div class="boxtext"> + +<h4>THE</h4> +<h1>HEALTH-CARE</h1> +<h4>OF THE</h4> +<h1>BABY</h1> + +<h3>By LOUIS FISCHER, M.D.</h3> + + +<p>"THE HEALTH-CARE OF THE BABY" is a book that should be in the hands of +every mother and nurse. Every mother should be acquainted with those +ills that are common to babies. She should know what to do when a doctor +can not be had readily; while traveling, for instance. In this book Dr. +Fischer, and he has had wide experience in the treatment of children, +gives suggestions and advice for feeding the infant in health, and when +the stomach and bowels are out of order. The book also tells how to +manage a fever, and is a guide to measles, croup, skin diseases and +other ailments. It tells what to do in case of accidents, poisons, etc. +The correction of bad habits and the treatment of rashes are given +careful consideration.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"This book will be found of great assistance to mothers generally, +dealing with a subject of great interest to the new, as well as to +the old mother. Teething is properly rid of its horrors by positive +statements that it is a normal process entirely. The chapter on +Infant Feeding is very practical and thorough. We commend the book +to all mothers."—<i>Monthly Journal of Medicine and Surgery</i>, +Louisville.</p></div> + +<p style="text-align: center;"><i>12mo, Cloth. 75 cents, net; by mail, 83 cents.</i></p> + +<p style="text-align: center;"> +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers<br /> +<span class="smcap">NEW YORK and LONDON</span><br /> +</p></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="bbox"> +<div class="boxtext"> + +<h2><span class="smcap">The Care and Training</span></h2> +<h4>OF</h4> +<h1>CHILDREN</h1> + +<h3>By <span class="smcap">Le GRAND KERR</span>, M.D.</h3> + + +<p>No two children are exactly alike; not even those of the same family +with hereditary influences, environment, and economic conditions the +same. Their temperaments, their ambitions, their ideas of life, it will +be noted, are widely different. For committing a wrong act one child +needs punishment, while on a like occasion another child needs advice. +To bring up their children so that they will be vigorous, noble men and +women is the most perplexing problem that confronts mothers and fathers +to-day. Dr. Kerr, from his close association with children, is well +qualified to enlighten parents on these difficulties. In this book he +has given thorough treatment to the training of children, hygiene, +physique, mentality, and morality. After one has read the book there +seems to be no phase of the question that has not been covered. The +young parent will find it a wonderful aid; the elder parents will want +to pass it on to their children.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center;"><i>12mo, Cloth. 75 cents, net; by mail, 84 cents.</i></p> + +<p style="text-align: center;"> +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers<br /> +<span class="smcap">NEW YORK and LONDON</span><br /> +</p></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="bbox"> +<div class="boxtext"> + +<h1><span class="smcap">Child Training</span></h1> +<h2>AS AN EXACT SCIENCE</h2> + +<h3><i>By George W. Jacoby, M.D.</i></h3> +<p style="text-align: center;"><i>Based upon Modern Psychology,<br /> +Medicine and +Hygiene</i></p> + + +<p>The Parent, the Physician, the Teacher, the Nurse, will find this Book +of Immense Usefulness. Its Authority and Reliability are Unquestioned.</p> + +<p>Heretofore there has been no one book which stood out high above others +as a standard, scientific, and reliable popular work on the subject of +Child Training in its mental, moral and physical aspects.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><i>The New York Times</i>, says:—"Study of this material will +undoubtedly increase a teacher's efficiency."</p></div> + +<p style="text-align: center;"><i>$1.50 net; by mail $1.62.</i></p> + +<p style="text-align: center;"> +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers<br /> +NEW YORK and LONDON<br /> +</p> +</div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="bbox"> +<div class="boxtext"> + +<h4><i>Vital Helps Toward Body-Building</i></h4> + +<h2>HOME GYMNASTICS</h2> + +<h2>According to the Ling System</h2> + +<h3>By Prof. ANDERS WIDE, M.D.</h3> + + +<p>This system of gymnastics has been designed on strictly scientific +principles, and has been recognized by educators throughout the world as +a most valuable and practical one. Stockholm has long maintained a Royal +Gymnastic Institute, where it has been taught with ever increasing +efficiency since 1813. The system has met with great popularity and has +proved adaptable as a home-culture course. The object of this work is to +enable any one to put into practise the principles on which sound +physical health may be gained and maintained.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"A marvelous amount of information of a most practical +character."—<i>New York Sun.</i></p> + +<p>"A practical handbook for home use."—<i>Detroit Times.</i></p> + +<p>"This little book is thoroughly commendable."—<i>Chicago +Record-Herald.</i></p> + +<p>"It is a little book of great value, and will undoubtedly be useful +in the schools and to business and professional persons."-<i>Salt +Lake Tribune.</i></p></div> + +<p style="text-align: center;"><i>12mo, Cloth, 50 cents, net; by mail, 54 cents.</i></p> + +<p style="text-align: center;"> +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers<br /> +<span class="smcap">NEW YORK and LONDON</span><br /> +</p></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="bbox"> +<div class="boxtext"> + +<h4><i>A New Book Dedicated to All Girls Whose Ambition Is to Lead a Happy, +Healthful, Useful Life.</i></h4> + +<h1>Health and Happiness</h1> + +<h4>A MESSAGE TO GIRLS.</h4> + +<h3>By ELIZA M. MOSHER, M.D.</h3> + + +<p>This new book consists of a dozen letters which deal in a fundamental +and very original way with habits of posture, good and bad, and their +influence upon the body; with efficiency through an understanding of the +needs of the body in relation to foods, and the removal of waste; the +care of the skin; and the offices of clothing.</p> + +<p>Very simply and clearly the structure and functions of the nervous +system are given as a basis for important suggestions regarding its care +from infancy to womanhood. Explicit teaching is given regarding the care +girls need to give themselves during high school and college years if +they wish to keep as well and strong as they ought to be. The story of +motherhood is told in a very interesting manner, and valuable advice is +given regarding the physical preparation for it, which the author +believes should begin in early girlhood.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center;">RECOMMENDED BY THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"We think the book excellent and will be very glad to recommend +it."—<i>Gertrude Felker, M.D.</i>, Secretary, Committee for Public +Health Education Among Women, American Medical Association, Dayton, +Ohio.</p></div> + +<p><i>$1.00, net. Average carriage charges 8 cents.</i></p> + +<p style="text-align: center;"> +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers<br /> +NEW YORK and LONDON<br /> +</p></div></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="bbox"> +<div class="boxtext"> + +<h1>Exercises for Women</h1> + + +<p>Most women are very definitely in need of some sort of simple and +suitable exercise that can be done in the home, without apparatus, if +necessary.</p> + +<p>This new book by Florence Bolton, A.B., formerly Director of Women's +Gymnasium, Stanford University, outlines and pictures an excellent +series of plain, practical exercises, adapted to meet the peculiar +requirements of women.</p> + +<p>The combination of different exercises includes many for reducing flesh; +and others bound to result in the securing and preservation of a full, +rounded, graceful figure.</p> + +<p><i>For Every Woman Everywhere Who Desires PHYSICAL GRACE, and POWER and +the mental satisfaction consequent upon both.</i></p> + +<p>The book should be useful to physicians in prescribing exercises for +their patients, to teachers of gymnastics for class and private work, to +the college woman who has left gymnasium days behind, and to EVERY +WOMAN, EVERYWHERE who desires PHYSICAL GRACE, and POWER.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center;">HAS DONE HER SEX GOOD SERVICE</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Florence Bolton ... has done her sex good service in this terse, +well-arranged little volume. The directions for specific exercises, +mainly of the 'mat' order, are well detailed, and fitting +illustrations simplify their use."—<i>The Record-Herald</i>, Chicago, +Ill.</p></div> + +<p style="text-align: center;"><i>12mo, Cloth. Numerous half-tones and diagrams, outlining the movements. +$1.00, net. Average carriage charges 8 cents.</i></p> + +<p style="text-align: center;"> +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers<br /> +NEW YORK and LONDON<br /> +</p></div></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Wit and Humor of America, Volume +IV. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** + + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> + diff --git a/18776-h/images/harris.jpg b/18776-h/images/harris.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d3be4c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/18776-h/images/harris.jpg diff --git a/18776.txt b/18776.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..07e4bc3 --- /dev/null +++ b/18776.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7406 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. +(of X.), by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) + +Author: Various + +Editor: Marshall P. Wilder + +Release Date: July 7, 2006 [EBook #18776] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE WIT AND HUMOR OF *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + +Library Edition + +THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA + +In Ten Volumes + +VOL. IV + + + + +[Illustration: JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS] + + + + +THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA + +EDITED BY MARSHALL P. WILDER + +_Volume IV_ + + +Funk & Wagnalls Company +New York and London + +Copyright MDCCCCVII, BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY +Copyright MDCCCCXI, THE THWING COMPANY + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + April Aria, An R.K. Munkittrick 711 + "As Good as a Play" Horace E. Scudder 749 + Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, The Oliver Wendell Holmes 753 + Briefless Barrister, The John G. Saxe 585 + Cable-Car Preacher, A Sam Walter Foss 647 + Caesar's Quiet Lunch with Cicero James T. Fields 760 + Cheer for the Consumer Nixon Waterman 740 + Comin' Home Thanksgivin' James Ball Naylor 763 + Complaint of Friends, A Gail Hamilton 604 + Coupon Bonds, The J.T. Trowbridge 654 + Crankidoxology Wallace Irwin 688 + Desolation Tom Masson 686 + Desperate Race, A J.F. Kelley 742 + De Stove Pipe Hole William Henry Drummond 774 + Economical Pair, The Carolyn Wells 602 + Family Horse, The Frederick A. Cozzens 715 + Girl from Mercury, The Herman Knickerbocker Viele 779 + Grand Opera, The Billy Baxter 693 + Greco-Trojan Game, The Charles F. Johnson 595 + How to Know the Wild Animals Carolyn Wells 650 + How We Bought a Sewin' Machine + and Organ Josiah Allen's Wife 729 + I Remember, I Remember Phoebe Cary 652 + In a State of Sin Owen Wister 696 + Loafer and the Squire, The Porte Crayon 767 + Love Sonnets of a Husband, The Maurice Smiley 725 + Meditations of a Mariner Wallace Irwin 713 + Modern Advantage, A Charlotte Becker 642 + Modern Eclogue, A Bliss Carman 645 + My Honey, My Love Joel Chandler Harris 691 + Ponchus Pilut James Whitcomb Riley 624 + Praise-God Barebones Ellen Mackay Hutchinson + Cortissoz 765 + Raggedy Man, The James Whitcomb Riley 643 + Shooting-Match, The A.B. Longstreet 666 + Sonnet of the Lovable Lass and the + Plethoric Dad J.W. Foley 723 + Story of the Two Friars Eugene Field 588 + Two Husbands, The Carolyn Wells 587 + Two Pedestrians, The Carolyn Wells 603 + Two Prisoners, The Carolyn Wells 641 + Victory Tom Masson 714 + Wolf at Susan's Door, The Anne Warner 626 + +COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X. + + + + +THE BRIEFLESS BARRISTER + +_A Ballad_ + +BY JOHN G. SAXE + + + An attorney was taking a turn, + In shabby habiliments drest; + His coat it was shockingly worn, + And the rust had invested his vest. + + His breeches had suffered a breach, + His linen and worsted were worse; + He had scarce a whole crown in his hat, + And not half a crown in his purse. + + And thus as he wandered along, + A cheerless and comfortless elf, + He sought for relief in a song, + Or complainingly talked to himself:-- + + "Unfortunate man that I am! + I've never a client but grief: + The case is, I've no case at all, + And in brief, I've ne'er had a brief! + + "I've waited and waited in vain, + Expecting an 'opening' to find, + Where an honest young lawyer might gain + Some reward for toil of his mind. + + "'Tis not that I'm wanting in law, + Or lack an intelligent face, + That others have cases to plead, + While I have to plead for a case. + + "O, how can a modest young man + E'er hope for the smallest progression,-- + The profession's already so full + Of lawyers so full of profession!" + + While thus he was strolling around, + His eye accidentally fell + On a very deep hole in the ground, + And he sighed to himself, "It is well!" + + To curb his emotions, he sat + On the curbstone the space of a minute, + Then cried, "Here's an opening at last!" + And in less than a jiffy was in it! + + Next morning twelve citizens came + ('Twas the coroner bade them attend), + To the end that it might be determined + How the man had determined his end! + + "The man was a lawyer, I hear," + Quoth the foreman who sat on the corse. + "A lawyer? Alas!" said another, + "Undoubtedly died of remorse!" + + A third said, "He knew the deceased, + An attorney well versed in the laws, + And as to the cause of his death, + 'Twas no doubt for the want of a cause." + + The jury decided at length, + After solemnly weighing the matter, + That the lawyer was drown_d_ed, because + He could not keep his head above water! + + + + +THE TWO HUSBANDS + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + +Once on a Time there were Two Men, each of whom married the Woman of his +Choice. One Man devoted all his Energies to Getting Rich. + +He was so absorbed in Acquiring Wealth that he Worked Night and Day to +Accomplish his End. + +By this Means he lost his Health, he became a Nervous Wreck, and was so +Irritable and Irascible that his Wife Ceased to live with him and +Returned to her Parents' House. + +The Other Man made no Efforts to Earn Money, and after he had Spent his +own and his Wife's Fortunes, Poverty Stared them in the Face. + +Although his Wife had loved him Fondly, she could not Continue her +affection toward One who could not Support her, so she left him and +Returned to her Childhood's Home. + + +MORALS: + +This Fable teaches that the Love of Money is the Root of All Evil, and +that When Poverty Comes In At the Door, Loves Flies Out Of the Window. + + + + +THE STORY OF THE TWO FRIARS + +BY EUGENE FIELD + + +It befell in the year 1662, in which same year were many witchcrafts and +sorceries, such as never before had been seen and the like of which will +never again, by grace of Heaven, afflict mankind--in this year it befell +that the devil came upon earth to tempt an holy friar, named Friar +Gonsol, being strictly minded to win that righteous vessel of piety unto +his evil pleasance. + + * * * * * + +Now wit you well that this friar had grievously offended the devil, for +of all men then on earth there was none more holier than he nor none +surer to speak and to do sweet charity unto all his fellows in every +place. Therefore it was that the devil was sore wroth at the Friar +Gonsol, being mightily plagued not only by his teachings and his +preachings, but also by the pious works which he continually did do. +Right truly the devil knew that by no common temptations was this friar +to be moved, for the which reason did the devil seek in dark and +troublous cogitations to bethink him of some new instrument wherewith he +might bedazzle the eyes and ensnare the understanding of the holy man. +On a sudden it came unto the fiend that by no corporeal allurement would +he be able to achieve his miserable end, for that by reason of an +abstemious life and a frugal diet the Friar Gonsol had weaned his body +from those frailties and lusts to which human flesh is by nature of the +old Adam within it disposed, and by long-continued vigils and by +earnest devotion and by godly contemplations and by divers proper +studies had fixed his mind and his soul with exceeding steadfastness +upon things unto his eternal spiritual welfare appertaining. Therefore +it beliked the devil to devise and to compound a certain little booke of +mighty curious craft, wherewith he might be like to please the Friar +Gonsol and, in the end, to ensnare him in his impious toils. Now this +was the way of the devil's thinking, to wit: This friar shall suspect no +evil in the booke, since never before hath the devil tempted mankind +with such an instrument, the common things wherewith the devil tempteth +man being (as all histories show and all theologies teach) fruit and +women and other like things pleasing to the gross and perishable senses. +Therefore, argueth the devil, when I shall tempt this friar with a booke +he shall be taken off his guard and shall not know it to be a +temptation. And thereat was the devil exceeding merry and he did laugh +full merrily. + + * * * * * + +Now presently came this thing of evil unto the friar in the guise of +another friar and made a proper low obeisance unto the same. But the +Friar Gonsol was not blinded to the craft of the devil, for from under +the cloak and hood that he wore there did issue the smell of sulphur and +of brimstone which alone the devil hath. + +"Beshrew me," quoth the Friar Gonsol, "if the odour in my nostrils be +spikenard and not the fumes of the bottomless pit!" + +"Nay, sweet friar," spake the devil full courteously, "the fragrance +thou perceivest is of frankincense and myrrh, for I am of holy orders +and I have brought thee a righteous booke, delectable to look upon and +profitable unto the reading." + +Then were the eyes of that Friar Gonsol full of bright sparklings and +his heart rejoiced with exceeding joy, for he did set most store, next +to his spiritual welfare, by bookes wherein was food to his beneficial +devouring. + +"I do require thee," quoth the friar, "to shew me that booke that I may +know the name thereof and discover whereof it treateth." + +Then shewed the devil the booke unto the friar, and the friar saw it was +an uncut unique of incalculable value; the height of it was half a cubit +and the breadth of it the fourth part of a cubit and the thickness of it +five barleycorns lacking the space of three horsehairs. This booke +contained, within its divers picturings, symbols and similitudes wrought +with incomparable craft, the same being such as in human vanity are +called proof before letters, and imprinted upon India paper; also the +booke contained written upon its pages, divers names of them that had +possessed it, all these having in their time been mighty and illustrious +personages; but what seemed most delectable unto the friar was an +autographic writing wherein 'twas shewn that the booke sometime had been +given by Venus di Medici to Apollos at Rhodes. + +When therefore the Friar Gonsol saw the booke how that it was intituled +and imprinted and adorned and bounden, he knew it to be of vast worth +and he was mightily moved to possess it; therefore he required of the +other (that was the devil) that he give unto him an option upon the same +for the space of seven days hence or until such a time as he could +inquire concerning the booke in Lowndes and other such like authorities. +But the devil, smiling, quoth: "The booke shall be yours without price +provided only you shall bind yourself to do me a service as I shall +hereafter specify and direct." + +Now when the Friar Gonsol heard this compact, he knew for a verity that +the devil was indeed the devil, and but that he sorely wanted the booke +he would have driven that impious fiend straightway from his presence. +Howbeit, the devil, promising to visit him again that night, departed, +leaving the friar exceeding heavy in spirit, for he was both assotted +upon the booke to comprehend it and assotted upon the devil to do +violence unto him. + +It befell that in his doubtings he came unto the Friar Francis, another +holy man that by continual fastings and devotions had made himself an +ensample of piety unto all men, and to this sanctified brother did the +Friar Gonsol straightway unfold the story of his temptation and speak +fully of the wondrous booke and of its divers many richnesses. + +When that he had heard this narration the Friar Francis made answer in +this wise: "Of great subtility surely is the devil that he hath set this +snare for thy feet. Have a care, my brother, that thou fallest not into +the pit which he hath digged for thee! Happy art thou to have come to me +with this thing, elsewise a great mischief might have befallen thee. Now +listen to my words and do as I counsel thee. Have no more to do with +this devil; send him to me, or appoint with him another meeting and I +will go in thy stead." + +"Nay, nay," cried the Friar Gonsol, "the saints forefend from thee the +evil temptation provided for my especial proving! I should have been +reckoned a weak and coward vessel were I to send thee in my stead to +bear the mortifications designed for the trying of my virtues." + +"But thou art a younger brother than I," reasoned the Friar Francis +softly; "and, firm though thy resolution may be now, thou art more like +than I to be wheedled and bedazzled by these diabolical wiles and +artifices. So let me know where this devil abideth with the booke; I +burn to meet him and to wrest his treasure from his impious possession." + +But the Friar Gonsol shook his head and would not hear unto this +vicarious sacrifice whereon the good Friar Francis had set his heart. + +"Ah, I see that thou hast little faith in my strength to combat the +fiend," quoth the Friar Francis reproachfully. "Thy trust in me should +be greater, for I have done thee full many a kindly office; or, now I do +bethink me, thou art assorted on the booke! Unhappy brother, can it be +that thou dost covet this vain toy, this frivolous bauble, that thou +wouldst seek the devil's companionship anon to compound with Beelzelub? +I charge thee, Brother Gonsol, open thine eyes and see in what a +slippery place thou standest." + +Now by these argumentations was the Friar Gonsol mightily confounded, +and he knew not what to do. + +"Come, now, hesitate no longer," quoth the Friar Francis, "but tell me +where that devil may be found--I burn to see and to comprehend the +booke--not that I care for the booke, but that I am grievously tormented +to do that devil a sore despight!" + +"Odds boddikins," quoth the other friar, "me-seemeth that the booke +inciteth thee more than the devil." + +"Thou speakest wrongly," cried the Friar Francis. "Thou mistakest pious +zeal for sinful selfishness. Full wroth am I to hear how that this devil +walketh to and fro, using a sweet and precious booke for the temptation +of holy men. Shall so righteous an instrument be employed by the prince +of heretics to so unrighteous an end?" + +"Thou sayest wisely," quoth the Friar Gonsol, "and thy words convince me +that a battaile must be made with this devil for that booke. So now I +shall go to encounter the fiend!" + +"Then by the saints I shall go with thee!" cried the Friar Francis, and +he gathered his gown about his loins right briskly. + +But when the Friar Gonsol saw this he made great haste to go alone, and +he ran out of the door full swiftly and fared him where the devil had +appointed an appointment with him. Now wit you well that the Friar +Francis did follow close upon his heels, for though his legs were not so +long he was a mighty runner and he was right sound of wind. Therefore +was it a pleasant sight to see these holy men vying with one another to +do battle with the devil, and much it repenteth me that there be some +ribald heretics that maintain full enviously that these two saintly +friars did so run not for the devil that they might belabor him, but for +the booke that they might possess it. + +It fortuned that the devil was already come to the place where he had +appointed the appointment, and in his hand he had the booke aforesaid. +Much marveled he when that he beheld the two friars faring thence. + +"I adjure thee, thou devil," said the Friar Gonsol from afar off, "I +adjure thee give me that booke else I will take thee by thy horns and +hoofs and drub thy ribs together!" + +"Heed him not, thou devil," said the Friar Francis, "for it is I that am +coming to wrestle with thee and to overcome thee for that booke!" + +With such words and many more the two holy friars bore down upon the +devil; but the devil thinking verily that he was about to be beset by +the whole church militant stayed not for their coming, but presently +departed out of sight and bore the book with him. + +Now many people at that time saw the devil fleeing before the two +friars, so that, esteeming it to be a sign of special grace, these +people did ever thereafter acknowledge the friars to be saints, and unto +this day you shall hear of St. Gonsol and St. Francis. Unto this day, +too, doth the devil, with that same booke wherewith he tempted the friar +of old, beset and ensnare men of every age and in all places. Against +which devil may Heaven fortify us to do battle speedily and with +successful issuance. + + + + +THE GRECO-TROJAN GAME + +BY CHARLES F. JOHNSON + + + First on the ground appeared the god-like Trojan Eleven, + Shining in purple and black, with tight and well-fitting sweaters, + Woven by Andromache in the well-ordered palace of Priam. + After them came, in goodly array, the players of Hellas, + Skilled in kicking and blocking and tackling and fooling the umpire. + All advanced on the field, marked off with white alabaster, + Level and square and true, at the ends two goal posts erected, + Richly adorned with silver and gold and carved at the corners, + Bearing a legend which read, "Don't talk back at the umpire"-- + Rule first given by Zeus, for the guidance of voluble mortals. + All the rules of the game were deeply cut in the crossbars, + So that the players might know exactly how to evade them. + + On one side of the field were ranged the Trojan spectators, + Yelling in composite language their ancient Phrygian war-cry; + "_Ho-hay-toe, Tou-tais-ton, Ton-tain-to; Boomerah Boomerah, Trojans!_" + And on the other, the Greeks, fair-haired, and ready to halloo, + If occasion should offer and Zeus should grant them a touch-down, + "_Breck-ek kek-kek-koax, Anax andron, Agamemnon!_" + + First they agreed on an umpire, the silver-tongued Nestor. + Long years ago he played end-rush on the Argive eleven; + He was admitted by all to be an excellent umpire + Save for the habit he had of making public addresses, + Tedious, long-winded and dull, and full of minute explanations, + How they used to play in the days when Cadmus was half-back, + Or how Hermes could dodge, and Ares and Phoebus could tackle; + Couched in rhythmical language but not one whit to the purpose. + On his white hair they carefully placed the sacred tiara, + Worn by the foot-ball umpires of old as a badge of their office, + Also to save their heads, in case the players should slug them. + Then they gave him a spear wherewith to enforce his decisions, + And to stick in the ground to mark the place to line up to. + He advanced to the thirty-yard line and began an oration: + + "Listen, Trojans and Greeks! For thirty-five seasons, + I played foot-ball in Greece with Peleus for half-back and captain. + Those were the days of old when men played the game as they'd orter. + Once, I remember, AEacus, the god-like son of Poseidon, + Kicked the ball from a drop, clean over the city of Argos. + That was the game when Peleus, our captain, lost all his front teeth; + Little we cared for teeth or eyes when once we were warmed up. + Why, I remember that AEacus ran so that no one could see him, + There was just a long hole in the air and a man at the end on't. + Hercules umpired that game, and I noticed there wasn't much back-talk." + + Him interrupting, sternly addressed the King Agamemnon: + "Cease, old man; come off your antediluvian boasting; + Doubtless our grandpas could all play the game as well as they knew + how. + They are all dead, and have long lined up in the fields of elysium; + If they were here we would wipe up the ground with the rusty old + duffers. + You call the game, and keep your eye fixed on the helmeted Hector. + He'll play off-side all the while, if he thinks the umpire don't see + him!" + Then the old man threw the lots, but sore was his heart in his bosom. + "Troy has the kick-off," he said, "the ball is yours, noble Hector." + Then he gave him the ball, a prolate spheroid of leather, + Much like the world in its shape, if the world were lengthened, not + flattened, + Covered with well-sewed leather, the well-seasoned hide of a bison, + Killed by Lakon, the hunter, ere bisons were exterminated. + On it was painted a battle, a market, a piece of the ocean, + Horses and cows and nymphs and things too many to mention. + + Then the heroes peeled off their sweaters and put on their nose-guards, + Also the fiendish expressions the great occasion demanded. + Ajax stood on the right; in the center the great Agamemnon; + Diomed crouched on the left, the god-like rusher and tackler, + Crouched as a panther crouches, if sculptors do justice to panthers. + Crafty Ulysses played back, for none of the Trojans could pass him, + All the best Greeks were in line, but Podas Okus Achilleus, + Who though an excellent kicker stayed all day in his section. + + Hector dribbled the ball, then seized it and putting his head down, + And, as a lion carries a lamb and jumps over fences-- + Dodging this way and that the shepherds who wish to remonstrate-- + So did the son of Priam carry the ball through the rush line, + Till he was tackled fair by the full-back, the crafty Ulysses. + Even then he carried the ball and the son of Laertes + Full five yards till they fell to the ground with a deep indentation + Where one might hide three men so that no man could see them-- + Men of the present day, degenerate sons of the heroes-- + + Now, when Pallas Athene discovered the Greeks would be beaten, + She slid down from the steep of Olympus upon a toboggan. + Sudden she came before crafty Ulysses in guise like a maiden; + Not that she thought to fool him, but since Olympian fashion + Made the form of a woman good form for a goddess' assumption. + She then spoke to him quickly, and said, "O son of Laertes, + Seize thou the ball; I will pass it to thee and trip up the Trojan." + Her replying, slowly re-worded the son of Laertes-- + "That will I do, O goddess divine, for he can outrun me." + Then when the ball was in play, she cast thick darkness around it. + Also around Ulysses she poured invisible darkness. + Under this cover, taking the ball he passed down the middle, + Silent and swift, unseen, unnoticed, unblocked, and untackled. + Meanwhile she piled the Greeks and the Trojans in conglomeration, + Much like a tangle of pine-trees where lightning has frequently fallen, + Or like a basket of lobsters and crabs which the provident housewife + Dumps on the kitchen floor and vainly endeavors to count them, + So seemed the legs and the arms and the heads of the twenty-one + players. + Sudden a shout arose, for under the crossbar, Ulysses, + Visible, sat on the ball, quietly making a touch-down; + On the tip of his nose were his thumb and fingers extended, + Curved and vibrating slow in the sign of the blameless Egyptians. + Violent language came to the lips of the helmeted Hector, + Under his breath he murmured a few familiar quotations, + Scraps of Phrygian folk-lore about the kingdom of Hades; + Then he called loud as a trumpet, "I claim foul, Mr. Umpire!" + "Touch-down for Greece," said Hector; "'twixt you and me and the + goal-post + I lost sight of the ball in a very singular manner." + + Then they carried the sphere back to the twenty-five yard line, + Prone on the ground lay a Greek, the leather was poised in his + fingers-- + Thrice Agamemnon adjusted the sphere with deliberation; + Then he drew back as a ram draws back for deadly encounter. + Then he tripped lightly ahead, and brought his sandal in contact + Right at the point; straight flew the ball right over the crossbar, + While like the cries of pygmies and cranes the race-yell resounded: + "_Breck-ek kek-kek-koax, Anax andron, Agamemnon!_" + + + + +THE ECONOMICAL PAIR + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + +Once on a Time there was a Man and his Wife who had Different Ideas +concerning Family Expenditures. + +The Man said: "I am Exceedingly Economical; although I spend Small Sums +here and there for Cigars, Wines, Theater Tickets, and Little Dinners, +yet I do not buy me a Yacht or a Villa at Newport." + +But even with these Praiseworthy Principles, it soon Came About that the +Man was Bankrupt. + +Whereupon he Reproached his Wife, who Answered his Accusations with +Surprise. + +"Me! My dear!" she exclaimed. "Why, I am Exceedingly Economical. True, I +Occasionally buy me a Set of Sables or a Diamond Tiara, but I am +Scrupulously Careful about Small Sums; I Diligently unknot all Strings +that come around Parcels, and Save Them, and I use the Backs of old +Envelopes for Scribbling-Paper. Yet, somehow, my Bank-Account is also +Exhausted." + + +MORALS: + +This Fable teaches to Takes Care of the Pence and the Pounds will Take +Care of Themselves, and that we Should Not Be Penny-Wise and +Pound-Foolish. + + + + +THE TWO PEDESTRIANS + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + +Once on a time there were two Men, one of whom was a Good Man and the +other a Rogue. + +The Good Man one day saw a Wretched Drunkard endeavoring to find his way +Home. + +Being most kind-hearted, the Good Man assisted the Wretched Drunkard to +his feet and accompanied him along the Highway toward his Home. + +The Good Man held fast the arm of the Wretched Drunkard, and the result +of this was that when the Wretched Drunkard lurched giddily the Good Man +perforce lurched too. + +Whereupon, as the Passing Populace saw the pair, they said: "Aha! +Another good man gone wrong," and they Wisely Wagged their Heads. + +Now the Bad Man of this tale, being withal of a shrewd and canny Nature, +stood often on a street corner, and engaged in grave conversation with +the Magnates of the town. + +To be sure, the Magnates shook him as soon as possible, but in no wise +discouraged he cheerfully sauntered up to another Magnate. Thus did he +gain a Reputation of being a friend of the Great. + + +MORALS: + +This Fable teaches us that A Man is known by the Company he Keeps, and +that We Must not Judge by Appearances. + + + + +A COMPLAINT OF FRIENDS + +BY GAIL HAMILTON + + +If things would not run into each other so, it would be a thousand times +easier and a million times pleasanter to get on in the world. Let the +sheepiness be set on one side and the goatiness on the other, and +immediately you know where you are. It is not necessary to ask that +there be any increase of the one or any diminution of the other, but +only that each shall preempt its own territory and stay there. Milk is +good, and water is good, but don't set the milk-pail under the pump. +Pleasure softens pain, but pain embitters pleasure; and who would not +rather have his happiness concentrated into one memorable day, that +shall gleam and glow through a lifetime, than have it spread out over a +dozen comfortable, commonplace, humdrum forenoons and afternoons, each +one as like the others as two peas in a pod? Since the law of +compensation obtains, I suppose it is the best law for us; but if it had +been left with me, I should have made the clever people rich and +handsome, and left poverty and ugliness to the stupid people; +because--don't you see?--the stupid people won't know they are ugly, and +won't care if they are poor, but the clever people will be hampered and +tortured. I would have given the good wives to the good husbands, and +made drunken men marry drunken women. Then there would have been one +family exquisitely happy instead of two struggling against misery. I +would have made the rose stem downy, and put all the thorns on the +thistles. I would have gouged out the jewel from the toad's head, and +given the peacock the nightingale's voice, and not set everything so at +half and half. + +But that is the way it is. We find the world made to our hand. The wise +men marry the foolish virgins, and the splendid virgins marry dolts, and +matters in general are so mixed up, that the choice lies between nice +things about spoiled, and vile things that are not so bad after all, and +it is hard to tell sometimes which you like the best, or which you +loathe least. + +I expect to lose every friend I have in the world by the publication of +this paper--except the dunces who are impaled in it. They will never +read it, and if they do, will never suspect I mean them; while the +sensible and true friends, who do me good and not evil all the days of +their lives, will think I am driving at their noble hearts, and will at +once fall off and leave me inconsolable. Still I am going to write it. +You must open the safety-valve once in a while, even if the steam does +whiz and shriek, or there will be an explosion, which is fatal, while +the whizzing and shrieking are only disagreeable. + +Doubtless friendship has its advantages and its pleasures; doubtless +hostility has its isolations and its revenges; still, if called upon to +choose once for all between friends and foes, I think, on the whole, I +should cast my vote for the foes. Twenty enemies will not do you the +mischief of one friend. Enemies you always know where to find. They are +in fair and square perpetual hostility, and you keep your armor on and +your sentinels posted; but with friends you are inveigled into a false +security, and, before you know it, your honor, your modesty, your +delicacy are scudding before the gales. Moreover, with your friend you +can never make reprisals. If your enemy attacks you, you can always +strike back and hit hard. You are expected to defend yourself against +him to the top of your bent. He is your legal opponent in honorable +warfare. You can pour hot-shot into him with murderous vigor; and the +more he writhes, the better you feel. In fact, it is rather refreshing +to measure swords once in a while with such a one. You like to exert +your power and keep yourself in practice. You do not rejoice so much in +overcoming your enemy as in overcoming. If a marble statue could show +fight you would just as soon fight it; but as it can not, you take +something that can, and something, besides, that has had the temerity to +attack you, and so has made a lawful target of itself. But against your +friend your hands are tied. He has injured you. He has disgusted you. He +has infuriated you. But it was most Christianly done. You can not hurl a +thunderbolt, or pull a trigger, or lisp a syllable against those amiable +monsters who, with tenderest fingers, are sticking pins all over you. So +you shut fast the doors of your lips, and inwardly sigh for a good, +stout, brawny, malignant foe, who, under any and every circumstance, +will design you harm, and on whom you can lavish your lusty blows with a +hearty will and a clear conscience. + +Your enemy keeps clear of you. He neither grants nor claims favors. He +awards you your rights,--no more, no less,--and demands the same from +you. Consequently there is no friction. Your friend, on the contrary, is +continually getting himself tangled up with you "because he is your +friend." I have heard that Shelley was never better pleased than when +his associates made free with his coats, boots, and hats for their own +use, and that he appropriated their property in the same way. Shelley +was a poet, and perhaps idealized his friends. He saw them, probably, in +a state of pure intellect. I am not a poet; I look at people in the +concrete. The most obvious thing about my friends is their avoirdupois; +and I prefer that they should wear their own cloaks and suffer me to +wear mine. There is no neck in the world that I want my collar to span +except my own. It is very exasperating to me to go to my bookcase and +miss a book of which I am in immediate and pressing need, because an +intimate friend has carried it off without asking leave, on the score of +his intimacy. I have not, and do not wish to have, any alliance that +shall abrogate the eighth commandment. A great mistake is lying round +loose hereabouts,--a mistake fatal to many friendships that did run +well. The common fallacy is that intimacy dispenses with the necessity +of politeness. The truth is just the opposite of this. The more points +of contact there are, the more danger of friction there is, and the more +carefully should people guard against it. If you see a man only once a +month, it is not of so vital importance that you do not trench on his +rights, tastes, or whims. He can bear to be crossed or annoyed +occasionally. If he does not have a very high regard for you, it is +comparatively unimportant, because your paths are generally so diverse. +But you and the man with whom you dine every day have it in your power +to make each other exceedingly uncomfortable. A very little dropping +will wear away rock, if it only keep at it. The thing that you would not +think of, if it occurred only twice a year, becomes an intolerable +burden when it happens twice a day. This is where husbands and wives run +aground. They take too much for granted. If they would but see that they +have something to gain, something to save, as well as something to +enjoy, it would be better for them; but they proceed on the assumption +that their love is an inexhaustible tank, and not a fountain depending +for its supply on the stream that trickles into it. So, for every little +annoying habit, or weakness, or fault, they draw on the tank, without +being careful to keep the supply open, till they awake one morning to +find the pump dry, and, instead of love, at best, nothing but a cold +habit of complacence. On the contrary, the more intimate friends become, +whether married or unmarried, the more scrupulously should they strive +to repress in themselves everything annoying, and to cherish both in +themselves and each other everything pleasing. While each should draw on +his love to neutralize the faults of his friend, it is suicidal to draw +on his friend's love to neutralize his own faults. Love should be +cumulative, since it can not be stationary. If it does not increase, it +decreases. Love, like confidence, is a plant of slow growth, and of most +exotic fragility. It must be constantly and tenderly cherished. Every +noxious and foreign element must be carefully removed from it. All +sunshine, and sweet airs, and morning dews, and evening showers must +breathe upon it perpetual fragrance, or it dies into a hideous and +repulsive deformity, fit only to be cast out and trodden under foot of +men, while, properly cultivated, it is a Tree of Life. + +Your enemy keeps clear of you, not only in business, but in society. If +circumstances thrust him into contact with you, he is curt and +centrifugal. But your friend breaks in upon your "saintly solitude" with +perfect equanimity. He never for a moment harbors a suspicion that he +can intrude, "because he is your friend." So he drops in on his way to +the office to chat half an hour over the latest news. The half-hour +isn't much in itself. If it were after dinner, you wouldn't mind it; but +after breakfast every moment "runs itself in golden sands," and the +break in your time crashes a worse break in your temper. "Are you busy?" +asks the considerate wretch, adding insult to injury. What can you do? +Say yes, and wound his self-love forever? But he has a wife and family. +You respect their feelings, smile and smile, and are villain enough to +be civil with your lips, and hide the poison of asps under your tongue, +till you have a chance to relieve your o'ercharged heart by shaking your +fist in impotent wrath at his retreating form. You will receive the +reward of your hypocrisy, as you richly deserve, for ten to one he will +drop in again when he comes back from his office, and arrest you +wandering in Dreamland in the beautiful twilight. Delighted to find that +you are neither reading nor writing,--the absurd dolt! as if a man +weren't at work unless he be wielding a sledge-hammer!--he will preach +out, and prose out, and twaddle out another hour of your golden +eventide, "because he is your friend." You don't care whether he is +judge or jury,--whether he talks sense or nonsense; you don't want him +to talk at all. You don't want him there anyway. You want to be alone. +If you don't, why are you sitting there in the deepening twilight? If +you wanted him, couldn't you send for him? Why don't you go out into the +drawing-room, where are music and lights, and gay people? What right +have I to suppose, that, because you are not using your eyes, you are +not using your brain? What right have I to set myself up as a judge of +the value of your time, and so rob you of perhaps the most delicious +hour in all your day, on pretense that it is of no use to you?--take a +pound of flesh clean out of your heart, and trip on my smiling way as if +I had not earned the gallows? + +And what in Heaven's name is the good of all this ceaseless talk? To +what purpose are you wearied, exhausted, dragged out and out to the very +extreme of tenuity? A sprightly badinage,--a running fire of nonsense +for half an hour,--a tramp over unfamiliar ground with a familiar +guide,--a discussion of something with somebody who knows all about it, +or who, not knowing, wants to learn from you,--a pleasant interchange of +commonplaces with a circle of friends around the fire, at such hours as +you give to society: all this is not only tolerable, but +agreeable,--often positively delightful; but to have an indifferent +person, on no score but that of friendship, break into your sacred +presence, and suck your blood through indefinite cycles of time, is an +abomination. If he clatters on an indifferent subject, you can do well +enough for fifteen minutes, buoyed up by the hope that he will presently +have a fit, or be sent for, or come to some kind of an end. But when you +gradually open to the conviction that _vis inertiae_ rules the hour, and +the thing which has been is that which shall be, you wax listless; your +chariot-wheels drive heavily; your end of the pole drags in the mud, and +you speedily wallow in unmitigated disgust. If he broaches a subject on +which you have a real and deep living interest, you shrink from +unbosoming yourself to him. You feel that it would be sacrilege. He +feels nothing of the sort. He treads over your heart-strings in his +cowhide brogans, and does not see that they are not whip-cords. He pokes +his gold-headed cane in among your treasures, blind to the fact that you +are clutching both arms around them, that no gleam of flashing gold may +reveal their whereabouts to him. You draw yourself up in your shell, +projecting a monosyllabic claw occasionally as a sign of continued +vitality; but the pachyderm does not withdraw, and you gradually lower +into an indignation,--smothered, fierce, intense. + +Why, _why_, WHY will people inundate their unfortunate victims with such +"weak, washy, everlasting floods?" Why will they haul everything out +into the open day? Why will they make the Holy of Holies common and +unclean? Why will they be so ineffably stupid as not to see that there +is that which speech profanes? Why will they lower their drag-nets into +the unfathomable waters, in the vain attempt to bring up your pearls and +gems, whose luster would pale to ashes in the garish light, whose only +sparkle is in the deep sea-soundings? _Procul, O procul este, profani!_ + +O, the matchless power of silence! There are words that concentrate in +themselves the glory of a lifetime; but there is a silence that is more +precious than they. Speech ripples over the surface of life, but silence +sinks into its depths. Airy pleasantnesses bubble up in airy, pleasant +words. Weak sorrows quaver out their shallow being, and are not. When +the heart is cleft to its core, there is no speech nor language. + +Do not now, Messrs. Bores, think to retrieve your character by coming +into my house and sitting mute for two hours. Heaven forbid that your +blood should be found on my skirts! but I believe I shall kill you, if +you do. The only reason why I have not laid violent hands on you +heretofore is that your vapid talk has operated as a wire to conduct my +electricity to the receptive and kindly earth; but if you intrude upon +my magnetisms without any such life-preserver, your future in this world +is not worth a crossed sixpence. Your silence would break the reed that +your talk but bruised. The only people with whom it is a joy to sit +silent are the people with whom it is a joy to talk. Clear out! + +Friendship plays the mischief in the false ideas of constancy which are +generated and cherished in its name, if not by its agency. Your enemies +are intense, but temporary. Time wears off the edge of hostility. It is +the alembic in which offenses are dissolved into thin air, and a calm +indifference reigns in their stead. But your friends are expected to be +a permanent arrangement. They are not only a sore evil, but of long +continuance. Adhesiveness seems to be the head and front, the bones and +the blood, of their creed. It is not the direction of the quality, but +the quality itself, which they swear by. Only stick, it is no matter +what you stick to. Fall out with a man, and you can kiss and be friends +as soon as you like; the recording angel will set it down on the credit +side of his books. Fall in, and you are expected to stay in, _ad +infinitum, ad nauseam_. No matter what combination of laws got you +there, there you are, and there you must stay, for better, for worse, +till merciful death you do part,--or you are--"fickle." You find a man +entertaining for an hour, a week, a concert, a journey, and presto! you +are saddled with him forever. What preposterous absurdity! Do but look +at it calmly. You are thrown into contact with a person, and, as in duty +bound, you proceed to fathom him: for every man is a possible +revelation. In the deeps of his soul there may lie unknown worlds for +you. Consequently you proceed at once to experiment on him. It takes a +little while to get your tackle in order. Then the line begins to run +off rapidly, and your eager soul cries out, "Ah! what depth! What +perpetual calmness must be down below! What rest is here for all my +tumult! What a grand, vast nature is this!" Surely, surely, you are on +the high seas. Surely, you will not float serenely down the eternities! +But by and by there is a kink. You find that, though the line runs off +so fast, it does not go down,--it only floats out. A current has caught +it and bears it on horizontally. It does not sink plumb. You have been +deceived. Your grand Pacific Ocean is nothing but a shallow little +brook, that you can ford all the year round, if it does not utterly dry +up in the summer heats, when you want it most; or, at best, it is a +fussy little tormenting river, that won't and can't sail a sloop. What +are you going to do about it? You are going to wind up your lead and +line, shoulder your birch canoe, as the old sea-kings used, and thrid +the deep forests, and scale the purple hills, till you come to water +again, when you will unroll your lead and line for another essay. Is +that fickleness? What else can you do? Must you launch your bark on the +unquiet stream, against whose pebbly bottom the keel continually grates +and rasps your nerves--simply that your reputation suffer no detriment? +Fickleness? There is no fickleness about it. You were trying an +experiment which you had every right to try. As soon as you were +satisfied, you stopped. If you had stopped sooner, you would have been +unsatisfied. If you had stopped later, you would have been dissatisfied. +It is a criminal contempt of the magnificent possibilities of life not +to lay hold of "God's occasions floating by." It is an equally criminal +perversion of them to cling tenaciously to what was only the +_simulacrum_ of an occasion. A man will toil many days and nights among +the mountains to find an ingot of gold, which, found, he bears home with +infinite pains and just rejoicing; but he would be a fool who should +lade his mules with iron-pyrites to justify his labors, however severe. + +Fickleness! what is it, that we make such an ado about it? And what is +constancy, that it commands such usurious interest? The one is a foible +only in its relations. The other is only thus a virtue. "Fickle as the +winds" is our death-seal upon a man; but should we like our winds +unfickle? Would a perpetual northeaster lay us open to perpetual +gratitude? or is a soft south gale to be orisoned and vespered +forevermore? + +I am tired of this eternal prating of devotion and constancy. It is +senseless in itself and harmful in its tendencies. The dictate of reason +is to treat men and women as we do oranges. Suck all the juice out and +then let them go. Where is the good of keeping the peel and pulp-cells +till they get old, dry, and mouldy? Let them go, and they will help feed +the earth-worms and bugs and beetles who can hardly find existence a +continued banquet, and fertilize the earth, which will have you give +before you receive. Thus they will ultimately spring up in new and +beautiful shapes. Clung to with constancy, they stain your knife and +napkin, impart a bad odor to your dining-room, and degenerate into +something that is neither pleasant to the eye nor good for food. I +believe in a rotation of crops, morally and socially, as well as +agriculturally. When you have taken the measure of a man, when you have +sounded him and know that you can not wade in him more than ankle-deep, +when you have got out of him all that he has to yield for your soul's +sustenance and strength, what is the next thing to be done? Obviously, +pass him on; and turn you "to fresh woods and pastures new." Do you work +him an injury? By no means. Friends that are simply glued on, and don't +grow out of, are little worth. He has nothing more for you, nor you for +him; but he may be rich in juices wherewithal to nourish the heart of +another man, and their two lives, set together, may have an endosmose +and exosmose whose result shall be richness of soil, grandeur of growth, +beauty of foliage, and perfectness of fruit, while you and he would only +have languished into aridity and a stunted crab-tree. + +For my part, I desire to sweep off my old friends with the old year, and +begin the new with a clean record. It is a measure absolutely necessary. +The snake does not put on his new skin over the old one. He sloughs off +the first, before he dons the second. He would be a very clumsy serpent, +if he did not. One can not have successive layers of friendships any +more than the snake has successive layers of skins. One must adopt some +system to guard against a congestion of the heart from plethora of +loves. I go in for the much-abused, fair-weather, skin-deep, +April-shower friends,--the friends who will drop off, if let alone,--who +must be kept awake to be kept at all,--who will talk and laugh with you +as long as it suits your respective humors and you are prosperous and +happy,--the blessed butterfly-race, who flutter about your June +mornings, and when the clouds lower, and the drops patter, and the rains +descend, and the winds blow, will spread their gay wings and float +gracefully away to sunny, southern lands, where the skies are yet blue +and the breezes violet-scented. They are not only agreeable, but deeply +wise. So long as a man keeps his streamer flying, his sails set, and his +hull above water, it is pleasant to paddle alongside; but when the sails +split, the yards crack, and the keel goes staggering down, by all means +paddle off. Why should you be submerged in his whirlpool? Will he drown +any more easily because you are drowning with him? Lung is lung. He dies +from want of air, not from want of sympathy. When a poor fellow sits +down among the ashes, the best thing his friends can do is to stand afar +off. Job bore the loss of property, children, health, with equanimity. +Satan himself found his match there; and for all his buffeting, Job +sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. But Job's three friends must +needs make an appointment together to come and mourn with him and to +comfort him, and after this Job opened his mouth, and cursed his +day,--and no wonder. + +Your friends have an intimate knowledge of you that is astonishing to +contemplate. It is not that they know your affairs, which he who runs +may read, but they know you. From a bit of bone, Cuvier could predicate +a whole animal, even to the hide and hair. Such moral naturalists are +your dear five hundred friends. It seems to yourself that you are +immeasurably reticent. You know, of a certainty, that you project only +the smallest possible fragment of yourself. You yield your universality +to the bond of common brotherhood; but your individualism--what it is +that makes you you--withdraws itself naturally, involuntarily, +inevitably into the background,--the dim distance which their eyes can +not penetrate. But, from the fraction which you do project, they +construct another you, call it by your name, and pass it around for the +real, the actual you. You bristle with jest and laughter and wild whims, +to keep them at a distance; and they fancy this to be your every-day +equipment. They think your life holds constant carnival. It is +astonishing what ideas spring up in the heads of sensible people. There +are those who assume that a person can never have had any grief, unless +somebody has died, or he has been disappointed in love,--not knowing +that every avenue of joy lies open to the tramp of pain. They see the +flashing coronet on the queen's brow, and they infer a diamond woman, +not recking of the human heart that throbs wildly out of sight. They see +the foam-crest on the wave, and picture an Atlantic Ocean of froth, and +not the solemn sea that stands below in eternal equipoise. You turn to +them the luminous crescent of your life, and they call it the whole +round globe; and so they love you with a love that is agate, not pearl, +because what they love in you is something infinitely below the highest. +They love you level: they have never scaled your heights nor fathomed +your depths. And when they talk of you as familiarly as if they had +taken out your auricles and ventricles, and turned them inside out, and +wrung them, and shaken them,--when they prate of your transparency and +openness, the abandonment with which you draw aside the curtain and +reveal the inmost thoughts of your heart,--you, who are to yourself a +miracle and a mystery, you smile inwardly, and are content. They are on +the wrong scent, and you may pursue your plans in peace. They are +indiscriminate and satisfied. They do not know the relation of what +appears to what is. If they chance to skirt along the coasts of your +Purple Island, it will be only chance, and they will not know it. You +may close your port-holes, lower your drawbridge, and make merry, for +they will never come within gunshot of the "round tower of your heart." + +There is no such thing as knowing a man intimately. Every soul is, for +the greater part of its mortal life, isolated from every other. Whether +it dwell in the Garden of Eden or the Desert of Sahara, it dwells alone. +Not only do we jostle against the street crowd unknowing and unknown, +but we go out and come in, we lie down and rise up, with strangers. +Jupiter and Neptune sweep the heavens not more unfamiliar to us than the +worlds that circle our own hearthstone. Day after day, and year after +year a person moves by your side; he sits at the same table; he reads +the same books; he kneels in the same church. You know every hair of his +head, every trick of his lips, every tone of his voice; you can tell him +far off by his gait. Without seeing him, you recognize his step, his +knock, his laugh. "Know him? Yes, I have known him these twenty years." +No, you don't know him. You know his gait, and hair, and voice. You know +what preacher he hears, what ticket he voted, and what were his last +year's expenses; but you don't know him. He sits quietly in his chair, +but he is in the temple. You speak to him; his soul comes out into the +vestibule to answer you, and returns,--and the gates are shut; therein +you can not enter. You were discussing the state of the country; but +when you ceased, he opened a postern-gate, went down a bank, and +launched on a sea over whose waters you have no boat to sail, no star to +guide. You have loved and reverenced him. He has been your concrete of +truth and nobleness. Unwittingly you touch a secret spring, and a +Blue-Beard chamber stands revealed. You give no sign; you meet and part +as usual; but a Dead Sea rolls between you two forevermore. + +It must be so. Not even to the nearest and dearest can one unveil the +secret place where his soul abideth, so that there shall be no more any +winding ways or hidden chambers; but to your indifferent neighbor, what +blind alleys, and deep caverns, and inaccessible mountains! To him who +"touches the electric chain wherewith you're darkly bound," your soul +sends back an answering thrill. One little window is opened, and there +is short parley. Your ships speak each other now and then in welcome, +though imperfect communication; but immediately you strike out again +into the great, shoreless sea, over which you must sail forever alone. +You may shrink from the far-reaching solitudes of your heart, but no +other foot than yours can tread them, save those + + "That, eighteen hundred years ago, were nailed, + For our advantage, to the bitter cross." + +Be thankful that it is so,--that only His eye sees whose hand formed. If +we could look in, we should be appalled at the vision. The worlds that +glide around us are mysteries too high for us. We can not attain to +them. The naked soul is a sight too awful for man to look at and live. +There are individuals whose topography we would like to know a little +better, and there is danger that we crash against each other while +roaming around in the dark; but for all that, would we not have the +constitution broken up. Somebody says, "In Heaven there will be no +secrets," which, it seems to me, would be intolerable. (If that were a +revelation from the King of Heaven, of course I would not speak +flippantly of it; but though towards Heaven we look with reverence and +humble hope, I do not know that Tom, Dick and Harry's notions of it have +any special claim to our respect.) Such publicity would destroy all +individuality, and undermine the foundations of society. +Clairvoyance--if there be any such thing--always seemed to me a stupid +impertinence. When people pay visits to me, I wish them to come to the +front door, and ring the bell, and send up their names. I don't wish +them to climb in at the window, or creep through the pantry, or, worst +of all, float through the key-hole, and catch me in undress. So I +believe that in all worlds thoughts will be the subjects of +volition,--more accurately expressed when expression is desired, but +just as entirely suppressed when we will suppression. + +After all, perhaps the chief trouble arises from a prevalent confusion +of ideas as to what constitutes a man your friend. Friendship may stand +for that peaceful complacence which you feel towards all well-behaved +people who wear clean collars and use tolerable grammar. This is a very +good meaning, if everybody will subscribe to it. But sundry of these +well-behaved people will mistake your civility and complacence for a +recognition of special affinity, and proceed at once to frame an +alliance offensive and defensive while the sun and the moon shall +endure. O, the barnacles that cling to your keel in such waters! The +inevitable result is, that they win your intense rancor. You would feel +a genial kindliness toward them, if they would be satisfied with that; +but they lay out to be your specialty. They infer your innocent little +inch to be the standard-bearer of twenty ells, and goad you to frenzy. I +mean you, you desperate little horror, who nearly dethroned my reason +six years ago! I always meant to have my revenge, and here I impale you +before the public. For three months, you fastened yourself upon me, and +I could not shake you off. What availed it me, that you were an honest +and excellent man? Did I not, twenty times a day, wish you had been a +villain, who had insulted me, and I a Kentucky giant, that I might have +the unspeakable satisfaction of knocking you down? But you added to your +crimes virtue. Villainy had no part or lot in you. You were a member of +a church, in good and regular standing; you had graduated with all the +honors worth mentioning; you had not a sin, a vice, or a fault that I +knew of; and you were so thoroughly good and repulsive that you were a +great grief to me. Do you think, you dear, disinterested wretch, that I +have forgotten how you were continually putting yourself to horrible +inconveniences on my account? Do you think I am not now filled with +remorse for the aversion that rooted itself ineradicably in my soul, and +which now gloats over you, as you stand in the pillory where my own +hands have fastened you? But can nature be crushed forever? Did I not +ruin my nerves, and seriously injure my temper, by the overpowering +pressure I laid upon them to keep them quiet when you were by? Could I +not, by the sense of coming ill through all my quivering frame, presage +your advent as exactly as the barometer heralds the approaching storm? +Those three months of agony are little atoned for by this late +vengeance; but go in peace! + +Mysterious are the ways of friendship. It is not a matter of reason or +of choice, but of magnetisms. You can not always give the premises nor +the argument, but the conclusion is a palpable and stubborn fact. Abana +and Pharpar may be broad, and deep, and blue, and grand; but only in +Jordan shall your soul wash and be clean. A thousand brooks are born of +the sunshine and the mountains: very, very few are they whose flow can +mingle with yours, and not disturb, but only deepen and broaden the +current. + +Your friend! Who shall describe him, or worthily paint what he is to +you? No merchant, nor lawyer, nor farmer, nor statesman claims your +suffrage, but a kingly soul. He comes to you from God,--a prophet, a +seer, a revealer. He has a clear vision. His love is reverence. He goes +into the _penetralia_ of your life,--not presumptuously, but with +uncovered head, unsandaled feet, and pours libations at the innermost +shrine. His incense is grateful. For him the sunlight brightens, the +skies grow rosy, and all the days are Junes. Wrapped in his love, you +float in a delicious rest, rocked in the bosom of purple, scented waves. +Nameless melodies sing themselves through your heart. A golden glow +suffices your atmosphere. A vague, fine ecstasy thrills to the sources +of life, and earth lays hold on Heaven. Such friendship is worship. It +elevates the most trifling services into rites. The humblest offices are +sanctified. All things are baptized into a new name. Duty is lost in +joy. Care veils itself in caresses. Drudgery becomes delight. There is +no longer anything menial, small, or servile. All is transformed + + "Into something rich and strange." + +The homely household-ways lead through beds of spices and orchards of +pomegranates. The daily toil among your parsnips and carrots is plucking +May violets with the dew upon them to meet the eyes you love upon their +first awaking. In the burden and heat of the day you hear the rustling +of summer showers and the whispering of summer winds. Everything is +lifted up from the plane of labor to the plane of love, and a glory +spans your life. With your friend, speech and silence are one; for a +communion mysterious and intangible reaches across from heart to heart. +The many dig and delve in your nature with fruitless toil to find the +spring of living water: he only raises his wand, and, obedient to the +hidden power, it bends at once to your secret. Your friendship, though +independent of language, gives to it life and light. The mystic spirit +stirs even in commonplaces, and the merest question is an endearment. +You are quiet because your heart is over-full. You talk because it is +pleasant, not because you have anything to say. You weary of terms that +are already love-laden, and you go out into the highways and hedges, and +gather up the rough, wild, wilful words, heavy with the hatreds of men, +and fill them to the brim with honey-dew. All things great and small, +grand or humble, you press into your service, force them to do soldier's +duty, and your banner over them is love. + +With such a friendship, presence alone is happiness; nor is absence +wholly void,--for memories, and hopes, and pleasing fancies, sparkle +through the hours, and you know the sunshine will come back. + +For such friendship one is grateful. No matter that it comes unsought, +and comes not for the seeking. You do not discuss the reasonableness of +your gratitude. You only know that your whole being bows with humility +and utter thankfulness to him who thus crowns you monarch of all +realms. + +And the kingdom is everlasting. A weak love dies weakly with the +occasion that gave it birth; but such friendship is born of the +gods, and immortal. Clouds and darkness may sweep around it, but +within the cloud the glory lives undimmed. Death has no power over it. +Time can not diminish, nor even dishonor annul it. Its direction may +have been earthly, but itself is divine. You go back into your solitudes: +all is silent as aforetime, but you can not forget that a Voice once +resounded there. A Presence filled the valleys and gilded the +mountain-tops,--breathed upon the plains, and they sprang up in lilies +and roses,--flashed upon the waters, and they flowed to spheral +melody,--swept through the forests, and they, too, trembled into song. +And though now the warmth has faded out, though the ruddy tints and +amber clearness have paled to ashen hues, though the murmuring melodies +are dead, and forest, vale, and hill look hard and angular in the sharp +air, you know that it is not death. The fire is unquenched beneath. You +go your way not disconsolate. There needs but the Victorious Voice. At +the touch of the prince's lips, life shall rise again and be perfected +forevermore. + + + + +PONCHUS PILUT + +BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY + + + Ponchus Pilut _used_ to be + 1st a _Slave_, an' now he's _free_. + Slaves wuz on'y ist before + The War wuz--an' _ain't_ no more. + + He works on our place fer us,-- + An' comes here--_sometimes_ he does. + He shocks corn an' shucks it.--An' + He makes hominy "by han'!"-- + + Wunst he bringed us some, one trip, + Tied up in a piller-slip: + Pa says, when Ma cooked it, "MY! + This-here's gooder'n you _buy_!" + + Ponchus _pats_ fer me an' sings; + An' he says most _funny_ things! + Ponchus calls a dish a "_deesh_"-- + Yes, an' _he_ calls fishes "_feesh_"! + + When Ma want him eat wiv us + He says, "'Skuse me--'deed you mus'!-- + Ponchus know good manners, Miss.-- + He aint eat wher' White-folks is!" + + 'Lindy takes _his_ dinner out + Wher' he's workin'--roun' about.-- + Wunst he et his dinner, spread + In our ole wheel-borry-bed. + + _Ponchus Pilut_ says "_'at's_ not + His _right_ name,--an' done fergot + What his _sho'-nuff_ name is now-- + An' don' matter none _no_how!" + + Yes, an' Ponchus he'ps Pa, too, + When our _butcherin's_ to do, + An' scalds hogs--an' says "Take care + 'Bout it, er you'll _set the hair_!" + + Yes, an' out in our back-yard + He he'ps 'Lindy rendur lard; + An', wite in the fire there, he + Roast' a pig-tail wunst fer me.-- + + An' ist nen th'ole tavurn-bell + Rung, down town, an' he says "Well!-- + Hear dat! _Lan' o' Canaan_, Son, + Aint dat bell say '_Pig-tail done!_' + + --'_Pig-tail done! + Go call Son!-- + Tell dat + Chile dat + Pig-tail done!_'" + + + + +THE WOLF AT SUSAN'S DOOR + +BY ANNE WARNER + + +"Well, Lucy has got Hiram!" + +There was such a strong inflection of triumphant joy in Miss Clegg's +voice as she called the momentous news to her friend that it would have +been at once--and most truthfully--surmised that the getting of Hiram +had been a more than slight labor. + +Mrs. Lathrop was waiting by the fence, impatience written with a +wandering reflection all over the serenity of her every-day expression. +Susan only waited to lay aside her bonnet and mitts and then hastened to +the fence herself. + +"Mrs. Lathrop, you never saw nor heard the like of this weddin' day in +all your own days to be or to come, and I don't suppose there ever will +be anything like it again, for Lucy Dill didn't cut no figger in her own +weddin' a-_tall_,--the whole thing was Gran'ma Mullins first, last and +forever hereafter. I tell you it looked once or twice as if it wouldn't +be a earthly possibility to marry Hiram away from his mother, and now +that it's all over people can't do anything but say as after all Lucy +ought to consider herself very lucky as things turned out, for if things +hadn't turned out as they did turn out I don't believe anything on earth +could have unhooked that son, and I'm willin' to swear that anywhere to +any one. + +"Do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, that Gran'ma Mullins was so bad off last +night as they had to put a mustard plaster onto her while Hiram went to +see Lucy for the last time, an' Mrs. Macy says as she never hear the +beat o' her memory, for she says she'll take her Bible oath as Gran'ma +Mullins told her what Hiram said and done every minute o' his life while +he was gone to see Lucy Dill. And she cried, too, and took on the whole +time she was talkin' an' said Heaven help her, for nobody else could, +an' she just knowed Lucy'd get tired o' Hiram's story an' he can't be +happy a whole day without he tells it, an' she's most sure Lucy won't +like his singin' 'Marchin' Through Georgia' after the first month or +two, an' it's the only tune as Hiram has ever really took to. Mrs. Macy +says she soon found she couldn't do nothin' to stem the tide except to +drink tea an' listen, so she drank an' listened till Hiram come home +about eleven. Oh, my, but she says they had the time then! Gran'ma +Mullins let him in herself, and just as soon as he was in she bu'st into +floods of tears an' wouldn't let him loose under no consideration. She +says Hiram managed to get his back to the wall for a brace 'cause +Gran'ma Mullins nigh to upset him every fresh time as Lucy come over +her, an' Mrs. Macy says she couldn't but wonder what the end was goin' +to be when, toward midnight, Hiram just lost patience and dodged out +under her arm and run up the ladder to the roof-room an' they couldn't +get him to come down again. She says when Gran'ma Mullins realized as he +wouldn't come down she most went mad over the notion of her only son's +spendin' the Christmas Eve to his own weddin' sleepin' on the floor o' +the attic and she wanted to poke the cot up to him but Mrs. Macy says +she drew the line at cot-pokin' when the cot was all she'd have to sleep +on herself, and in the end they poked quilts up, an' pillows an' +doughnuts an' cider an' blankets, an' Hiram made a bed on the floor an' +they all got to sleep about three o'clock. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think? What _do_ you think? They was so +awful tired that none of 'em woke till Mrs. Sperrit come at eleven next +day to take 'em to the weddin'! Mrs. Macy says she hopes she'll be put +forward all her back-slidin's if she ever gets such a start again. She +says when she peeked out between the blinds an' see Mrs. Sperrit's +Sunday bonnet an' realized her own state she nearly had a fit. Mrs. +Sperrit had to come in an' be explained to, an' the worst of it was as +Hiram couldn't be woke nohow. He'd pulled the ladder up after him an' +put the lid on the hole so's to feel safe, an' there he was snug as a +bug in a rug an' where no human bein' could get at him. They hollered +an' banged doors an' sharpened the carvin' knife an' poured grease on +the stove an' did anything they could think of, but he never budged. +Mrs. Macy says she never was so close beside herself in all her life +before, for Gran'ma Mullins cried worse 'n ever each minute an' Hiram +seemed like the very dead couldn't wake him. + +"They was all hoppin' around half crazy when Mr. Sperrit come along on +his way to the weddin' an' his wife run out an' told him what was the +matter an' he come right in an' looked up at the matter. It didn't take +long for him to unsettle Hiram, Mrs. Macy says. He got a sulphur candle +an' tied it to a stick an' h'isted the lid with another stick, an' in +less 'n two minutes they could all hear Hiram sneezin' an' comin' to. +An' Mrs. Macy says when they hollered what time it was she wishes the +whole town might have been there to see Hiram Mullins come down to +earth. Mr. Sperrit didn't hardly have time to get out o' the way an' he +didn't give his mother no show for one single grab,--he just bounced +into his room and you could have heard him gettin' dressed on the far +side o' the far bridge. + +"O' course, us at Lucy's didn't know anythin' a-_tall_ about Mrs. Macy's +troubles. We had our own, Heaven help us, an' they was enough, for the +very first thing of all Mr. Dill caught his pocket on the corner of Mrs. +Dill an' come within a ace of pullin' her off her easel. That would have +been a pretty beginnin' to Lucy's weddin' day if her father had smashed +her mother to bits, I guess, but it couldn't have made Lucy any worse; +for I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as I never see no one in all my born life +act foolisher than Lucy Dill this day. First she'd laugh an' then she'd +cry an' then she'd lose suthin' as we'd got to have to work with. An' +when it come to dressin' her!--well, if she'd known as Hiram was +sleepin' a sleep as next to knowed no wakin' she couldn't have put on +more things wrong side out an' hind side before! She wasn't dressed till +most every one was there an' I was gettin' pretty anxious, for Hiram +wasn't there neither, an' the more fidgety people got the more they +caught their corners on Mrs. Dill. I just saved her from Mr. Kimball, +an' Amelia saw her goin' as a result o' Judge Fitch an' hardly had time +for a jump. The minister himself was beginnin' to cough when, all of a +sudden, some one cried as the Sperrits was there. + +"Well, we all squeezed to the window, an' such a sight you never saw. +They was gettin' Gran'ma Mullins out an' Hiram was tryin' to keep her +from runnin' the color of his cravat all down his shirt while she was +sobbin' 'Hi-i-i-i-ram, Hi-i-i-i-i-ram,' in a voice as would wring your +very heart dry. They got her out an' got her in an' got her upstairs, +an' we all sat down an' begin to get ready while Amelia played 'Lead, +Kindly Light' and 'The Joyous Farmer' alternate, 'cause she'd mislaid +her Weddin' March. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never knowed nothin' like it!--we waited, +_an'_ we waited, _an'_ we waited, an' the minister most coughed himself +into consumption, an' Mrs. Dill got caught on so often that Mr. Kimball +told Ed to stand back of her an' hold her to the easel every minute. +Amelia was just beginning over again for the seventeenth time when at +last we heard 'em bumpin' along downstairs. Seems as all the delay come +from Lucy's idea o' wantin' to walk with her father an' have a weddin' +procession, instid o' her an' Hiram comin' in together like Christians +an' lettin' Mr. Dill hold Gran'ma Mullins up anywhere. Polly says she +never see such a time as they had of it; she says fightin' wolves was +layin' lambs beside the way they talked. Hiram said frank an' open as +the reason he didn't want to walk in with his mother was he was sure she +wouldn't let him out to get married, but Lucy was dead set on the +procession idea. So in the end they done it so, an' Gran'ma Mullins's +sobs fairly shook the house as they come through the dinin'-room door. +Lucy was first with her father an' they both had their heads turned +backward lookin' at Hiram an' his mother. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, it was certainly a sight worth seem'! The way that +Gran'ma Mullins was glued on! All I can say is as octopuses has got +their backs turned in comparison to the way that Hiram seemed to be all +wrapped up in her. It looked like wild horses, not to speak of Lucy +Dill, wouldn't never be able to get him loose enough to marry him. The +minister was scared; we was all scared. I never see a worse situation to +be in. + +"They come along through the back parlor, Lucy lookin' back, Mr. Dill +white as a sheet, an' Hiram walkin' like a snow-plough as isn't sure how +long it can keep on makin' it. It seemed like a month as they was under +way before they finally got stopped in front o' the minister. An' then +come _the_ time! Hiram had to step beside Lucy an' take her hand an' he +couldn't! We all just gasped. There was Hiram tryin' to get loose and +Mr. Dill tryin' to help him. Gran'ma Mullins's tears dripped till you +could hear 'em, but she hung on to Hiram like he'd paid for it. They +worked like Trojan beavers, but as fast as they'd get one side of him +uncovered she'd take a fresh wind-round. I tell you, we all just held +our breath, and I bet Lucy was sorry she persisted in havin' a +procession when she see the perspiration runnin' off her father an' +Hiram. + +"Finally Polly got frightened and begun to cry, an' at that the deacon +put his arm around her an' give her a hug, an' Gran'ma Mullins looked up +just in time to see the arm an' the hug. It seemed like it was the last +hay in the donkey, for she give a weak screech an' went right over on +Mr. Dill. She had such a grip on Hiram that if it hadn't been for Lucy +he'd have gone over, too, but Lucy just hung on herself that time, an' +Hiram was rescued without nothin' worse than his hair mussed an' one +sleeve a little tore. Mr. Sperrit an' Mr. Jilkins carried Gran'ma +Mullins into the dinin'-room, an' I said to just leave her fainted till +after we'd got Hiram well an' truly married; so they did. + +"I never see the minister rattle nothin' through like that +marriage-service. Every one was on whole papers of pins an' needles, an' +the minute it was over every one just felt like sittin' right straight +down. + +"Mrs. Macy an' me went up an' watered Gran'ma Mullins till we brought +her to, and when she learned as it was all done she picked up wonderful +and felt as hungry as any one, an' come downstairs an' kissed Lucy an' +caught a corner on Mrs. Dill just like she'd never been no trouble to no +one from first to last. I never seen such a sudden change in all my +life; it was like some miracle had come out all over her and there +wasn't no one there as wasn't rejoiced to death over the change. + +"We all went out in the dinin'-room and the sun shone in and every one +laughed over nothin' a-_tall_. Mrs. Sperrit pinned Hiram up from inside +so his tear didn't show, and Lucy and he set side by side and looked +like no one was ever goin' to ever be married again. Polly an' the +deacon set opposite and the minister an' his wife an' Mr. Dill an' +Gran'ma Mullins made up the table. The rest stood around, and we was all +as lively as words can tell. The cake was one o' the handsomest as I +ever see, two pigeons peckin' a bell on top and Hiram an' Lucy runnin' +around below in pink. There was a dime inside an' a ring, an' I got the +dime, an' they must have forgot to put in the ring for no one got it." + +Susan paused and panted. + +"It was--" commented Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully. + +"Nice that I got the dime?--yes, I should say. There certainly wasn't no +one there as needed it worse, an', although I'd never be one to call a +dime a fortune, still it _is_ a dime, an' no one can't deny it the +honor, no matter how they feel. But, Mrs. Lathrop, what you'd ought to +have seen was Hiram and Lucy ready to go off. I bet no one knows they're +brides--I bet no one knows _what_ they are,--you never saw the like in +all your worst dreams. Hiram wore spectacles an' carpet-slippers an' +that old umbrella as Mr. Shores keeps at the store to keep from bein' +stole, and Lucy wore clothes she'd found in trunks an' her hair in +curl-papers, an' her cold-cream gloves. They certainly was a sight, an' +Gran'ma Mullins laughed as hard as any one over them. Mr. Sperrit drove +'em to the train, an' Hiram says he's goin' to spend two dollars a day +right along till he comes back; so I guess Lucy'll have a good time for +once in her life. An' Gran'ma Mullins walked back with me an' not one +word o' Hiram did she speak. She was all Polly an' the deacon. She said +it wa'n't in reason as Polly could imagine him with hair, an' she said +she was thinkin' very seriously o' givin' her a piece o' his hair as +she's got, for a weddin' present. She said Polly 'd never know what he +was like the night he give her that hair. She said the moon was shinin' +an' the frogs were croakin', an' she kind o' choked; she says she can't +smell a marsh to this day without seein' the deacon givin' her that +piece of hair. I cheered her up all I could--I told her anyhow he +couldn't give Polly a piece of his hair if he died for it. She smiled a +weak smile an' went on up to Mrs. Brown's. Mrs. Brown asked her to stay +with her a day or two. Mrs. Brown has her faults, but nobody can't deny +as she's got a good heart,--in fact, sometimes I think Mrs. Brown's good +heart is about the worst fault she's got. I've knowed it lead her to do +very foolish things time an' again--things as I thank my star I'd never +think o' doin'--not in this world." + +Mrs. Lathrop shifted her elbows a little; Susan withdrew at once from +the fence. + +"I must go in," she said, "to-morrow is goin' to be a more 'n full day. +There's Polly's weddin' an' then in the evenin' Mr. Weskin is comin' up. +You needn't look surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, because I've thought the +subject over up an' down an' hind end foremost an' there ain't nothin' +left for me to do. I can't sell nothin' else an' I've got to have money, +so I'm goin' to let go of one of those bonds as father left me. There +ain't no way out of it; I told Mr. Weskin I'd expect him at sharp eight +on sharp business an' he'll come. An' I must go as a consequence. Good +night." + + * * * * * + +Polly Allen's wedding took place the next day, and Mrs. Lathrop came +out on her front piazza about half past five to wait for her share in +the event. + +The sight of Mrs. Brown going by with her head bound up in a white +cloth, accompanied by Gran'ma Mullins with both hands similarly treated, +was the first inkling the stay-at-home had that strange doings had been +lately done. + +Susan came next and Susan was a sight! + +Not only did her ears stand up with a size and conspicuousness never +inherited from either her father or her mother, but also her right eye +was completely closed and she walked lame. + +"The Lord have mercy!" cried Mrs. Lathrop, when the full force of her +friend's affliction effected its complete entrance into her +brain,--"Why, Susan, what--" + +"Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg, "all I can say is I come out better +than the most of 'em, an' if you could see Sam Duruy or Mr. Kimball or +the minister you'd know I spoke the truth. The deacon an' Polly is both +in bed an' can't see how each other looks, an' them as has a eye is +goin' to tend them as can't see at all, an' God help 'em all if young +Dr. Brown an' the mud run dry!" with which pious ejaculation Susan +painfully mounted the steps and sat down with exceeding gentleness upon +a chair. + +Mrs. Lathrop stared at her in dumb and wholly bewildered amazement. +After a while Miss Clegg continued. + +"It was all the deacon's fault. Him an' Polly was so dead set on bein' +fashionable an' bein' a contrast to Hiram an' Lucy, an' I hope to-night +as they lay there all puffed up as they'll reflect on their folly an' +think a little on how the rest of us as didn't care rhyme or reason for +folly is got no choice but to puff up, too. Mrs. Jilkins is awful mad; +she says Mr. Jilkins wanted to wear his straw hat anyhow and, she says +she always has hated his silk hat 'cause it reminds her o' when she was +young and foolish enough to be willin' to go and marry into a family as +was foolish enough to marry into Deacon White. Mrs. Jilkins is extra hot +because she got one in the neck, but my own idea is as Polly Allen's +weddin' was the silliest doin's as I ever see from the beginnin', an' +the end wan't no more than might o' been expected--all things +considered. + +"When I got to the church, what do you think was the first thing as I +see, Mrs. Lathrop? Well, you'd never guess till kingdom come, so I may +as well tell you. It was Ed an' Sam Duruy an' Henry Ward Beecher an' +Johnny standin' there waitin' to show us to our pews like we didn't know +our own pews after sittin' in 'em for all our life-times! I just shook +my head an' walked to my pew, an' there, if it wasn't looped shut with a +daisy-chain! Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could have been there to +have felt for me, for I may remark as a cyclone is a caterpillar wove up +in hisself beside my face when I see myself daisy-chained out o' my own +pew by Polly Allen. Ed was behind me an' he whispered 'That's reserved +for the family.' I give him one look an' I will state, Mrs. Lathrop, as +he wilted. It didn't take me long to break that daisy-chain an' sit down +in that pew, an' I can assure you as no one asked me to get up again. +Mrs. Jilkins's cousins from Meadville come an' looked at me sittin' +there, but I give them jus' one look back an' they went an' sat with +Mrs. Macy themselves. A good many other folks was as surprised as me +over where they had to sit, but we soon had other surprises as took the +taste o' the first clean out o' our mouths. + +"Just as Mrs. Davison begin to play the organ, Ed an' Johnny come down +with two clothes-lines wound 'round with clematis an' tied us all in +where we sat. Then they went back an' we all stayed still an' couldn't +but wonder what under the sun was to be done to us next. But we didn't +have long to wait, an' I will say as anythin' to beat Polly's ideas I +never see--no--nor no one else neither. + +"'Long down the aisle, two an' two, an' hand in hand, like they thought +they was suthin' pretty to look at, come Ed an' Johnny an' Henry Ward +Beecher an' Sam Duruy, an' I vow an' declare, Mrs. Lathrop, I never was +so nigh to laughin' in church in all my life. They knowed they was +funny, too, an' their mouths an' eyes was tight set sober, but some one +in the back just _had_ to giggle, an' when we heard it we knew as things +as wasn't much any other day would use us up this day, sure. They +stopped in front an' lined up, two on a side, an' then, for all the +world like it was a machine-play, the little door opened an' out come +the minister an' solemnly walked down to between them. I must say we was +all more than a little disappointed at its only bein' the minister, an' +he must have felt our feelin's, for he began to cough an' clear up his +throat an' his little desk all at once. Then Mrs. Davison jerked out the +loud stop an' began to play for all she was worth, an' the door behind +banged an' every one turned aroun' to see. + +"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we saw,--an' I will in truth remark as such a +sawin' we'll never probably get a chance to do again! Mrs. Sweet says +they practised it over four times at the church, so they can't deny as +they meant it all, an' you might lay me crossways an' cut me into +chipped beef an' still I would declare as I wouldn't have the face to +own to havin' had any hand in plannin' any such weddin'. + +"First come 'Liza Em'ly an' Rachel Rebecca hand in hand carryin' +daisies--of all things in the world to take to a weddin'--an' then come +Brunhilde Susan, with a daisy-chain around her neck an' her belt stuck +full o' daisies an'--you can believe me or not, jus' as you please, Mrs. +Lathrop, an' still it won't help matters any--an' a daisy stuck in every +button down her back, an' daisies tangled up in her hair, an' a bunch o' +daisies under one arm. + +"Well, we was nigh to overcome by Brunhilde Susan, but we drawed some +fresh breath an' kept on lookin', an' next come Polly an' Mr. Allen. I +will say for Mr. Allen as he seemed to feel the ridiculousness of it +all, for a redder man I never see, nor one as looked more uncomfortable. +He was daisied, too--had three in his button-hole;--but what took us all +was the way him an' Polly walked. I bet no people gettin' married ever +zig-zagged like that before, an' Mrs. Sweet says they practised it by +countin' two an' then swingin' out to one side, an' then countin' two +an' swingin' out to the other--she watched 'em out of her attic window +down through the broke blind to the church. Well, all I can say is, that +to my order o' thinkin' countin' an' swingin' is a pretty frame o' mind +to get a husband in, but so it was, an' we was all starin' our eyes off +to beat the band when the little door opened an', to crown everythin' +else, out come the deacon an' Mr. Jilkins, each with a daisy an' a silk +hat, an' I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as new-born kittens is blood-red +murderers compared to how innocent that hat o' Mr. Jilkins' looked. Any +one could see as it wasn't new, but he wasn't new either, as far as that +goes, an' that was what struck me in particular about the whole +thing--nothin' an' nobody wasn't any different only for Polly's +foolishness and the daisies. + +"Well, they sorted out an' begun to get married, an' us all sittin' +lookin' on an' no more guessin' what was comin' next than a ant looks +for a mornin' paper. The minister was gettin' most through an' the +deacon was gettin' out the ring, an' we was lookin' to get up an' out +pretty quick, when--my heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I never will forget +that minute--when Mr. Jilkins--poor man, he's sufferin' enough for it, +Lord knows!--when Mr. Jilkins dropped his hat! + +"That very next second him an' Ed an' Brunhilde Susan all hopped an' +yelled at once, an' the next thing we see was the minister droppin' his +book an' grabbin' his arm an' the deacon tryin' madly to do hisself up +in Polly's veil. We would 'a' all been glum petrified at such goin's on +any other day, only by that time the last one of us was feelin' to hop +and grab an' yell on his own account. Gran'ma Mullins was tryin' to slap +herself with the seat cushion, an' the way the daisies flew as folks +went over an' under that clematis rope was a caution. I got out as quick +as I--" + +"But what--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop, her eyes fairly marble-like in +their redundant curiosity. + +"It was wasps!" said Susan, "it was a young wasps' nest in Mr. Jilkins's +hat. Seems they carried their hats to church in their hands 'cause Polly +didn't want no red rings around 'em, an' so he never suspected nothin' +till he dropped it. An' oh, poor little Brunhilde Susan in them short +skirts of hers--she might as well have wore a bee hive as to be like she +is now. I got off easy, an' you can look at me an' figure on what them +as got it hard has got on them. Young Dr. Brown went right to work with +mud an' Polly's veil an' plastered 'em over as fast as they could get +into Mrs. Sweet's. Mrs. Sweet was mighty obligin' an' turned two +flower-beds inside out an' let every one scoop with her kitchen spoons, +besides runnin' aroun' herself like she was a slave gettin' paid. They +took the deacon an' Polly right to their own house. They can't see one +another anyhow, an' they was most all married anyway, so it didn't seem +worth while to wait till the minister gets the use of his upper lip +again." + +"Why--" interrogated Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Young Dr. Brown wanted to," said Susan, "he wanted to fill my ears with +mud, an' my eye, too, but I didn't feel to have it done. You can't die +o' wasps' bills, an' you can o' young Dr. Brown's--leastways when you +ain't got no money to pay 'em, like I ain't got just at present." + +"It's--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Yes," said Susan, "it struck me that way, too. This seems to be a very +unlucky town. Anything as comes seems to catch us all in a bunch. The +cow most lamed the whole community an' the automobile most broke its +back; time'll tell what'll be the result o' these wasps, but there won't +be no church Sunday for one thing, I know. + +"An' it ain't the least o' my woes, Mrs. Lathrop, to think as I've got +to sit an' smile on Mr. Weskin to-night from between two such ears as +I've got, for a man is a man, an' it can't be denied as a woman as is +mainly ears ain't beguilin'. Besides, I may in confidence state to you, +Mrs. Lathrop, as the one as buzzed aroun' my head wan't really no wasp +a-_tall_ in comparison to the one as got under my skirts." + +Mrs. Lathrop's eyes were full of sincere condolence; she did not even +imagine a smile as she gazed upon her afflicted friend. + +"I must go," said the latter, rising with a groan, "seems like I never +will reach the bottom o' my troubles this year. I keep thinkin' there's +nothin' left an' then I get a wasp at each end at once. Well, I'll come +over when Mr. Weskin goes--if I have strength." + +Then she limped home. + + * * * * * + +It was about nine that night that she returned and pounded vigorously on +her friend's window-pane. Mrs. Lathrop woke from her rocker-nap, went to +the window and opened it. Susan stood below and the moon illuminated her +smile and her ears with its most silvery beams. + +"He's just gone!" she announced. + +"Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, rubbing her eyes. + +"He's gone; I come over to tell you." + +"What--" said Mrs. Lathrop. + +"I wouldn't care if my ears was as big as a elephant's now." + +"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop. + +"Mrs. Lathrop, you know as I took them bonds straight after father died +an' locked 'em up an' I ain't never unlocked 'em since?" + +Mrs. Lathrop assented with a single rapt nod. + +"Well, when I explained to Mr. Weskin as I'd got to have money an' how +was the best way to sell a bond, he just looked at me, an' what do you +think he said--what _do_ you think he said, Mrs. Lathrop?" + +Mrs. Lathrop hung far out over the window-sill--her gaze was the gaze of +the ever earnest and interested. + +Susan stood below. Her face was aglow with the joy of the affluent--her +very voice might have been for once entitled as silvery. + +"He said, Mrs. Lathrop, he said, 'Miss Clegg, why don't you go down to +the bank and cut your coupons?'" + + + + +THE TWO PRISONERS + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + +Once upon a time there were two Prisoners at the bar, who endeavored to +plead for themselves with Tact and Wisdom. + +One concealed certain Facts prejudicial to his Cause; upon which the +Judge said: "If you had Confessed the Truth it would have Biased me in +your Favor; as it is, I Condemn you to Punishment." + +The other stated his Case with absolute Truth and Sincerity, concealing +Nothing; and the result was that he was Condemned for his Misdemeanors. + + +MORALS: + +This Fable teaches that Honesty is the Best Policy, and that the Truth +should not Be spoken at All Times. + + + + +A MODERN ADVANTAGE + +BY CHARLOTTE BECKER + + + One morning, when the sun shone bright + And all the earth was fair, + I met a little city child, + Whose ravings rent the air. + + "I lucidly can penetrate + The Which," I heard him say,-- + "The How is, wonderfully, come + To clear the limpid way. + + "The sentence, rarely, rose and fell + From ceiling to the floor; + Her words were spotlessly arranged, + She gave me, strangely, more." + + "What troubles you, my little man?" + I dared to ask him then,-- + He fixed me with a subtle stare, + And said, "Most clearly, when + + "You see I'm occupied, it's rude + To question of my aims-- + I'm going to the adverb school + Of Mr. Henry James!" + + + + +THE RAGGEDY MAN + +BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY + + + O the Raggedy Man! He works fer Pa; + An' he's the goodest man ever you saw! + He comes to our house every day, + An' waters the horses, an' feeds 'em hay; + An' he opens the shed--an' we all ist laugh + When he drives out our little old wobble-ly calf; + An' nen--ef our hired girl says he can-- + He milks the cow fer 'Lizabuth Ann.-- + Aint he a' awful good Raggedy Man? + Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man! + + W'y, The Raggedy Man--he's ist so good + He splits the kindlin' an' chops the wood; + An' nen he spades in our garden, too, + An' does most things 'at _boys_ can't do!-- + He clumbed clean up in our big tree + An' shooked a' apple down fer me-- + An' nother'n, too, fer 'Lizabuth Ann-- + An' nother'n, too, fer The Raggedy Man.-- + Aint he a' awful kind Raggedy Man? + Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man! + + An' The Raggedy Man, he knows most rhymes + An' tells 'em, ef I be good, sometimes: + Knows 'bout Giunts, an' Griffuns, an' Elves, + An' the Squidgicum-Squees 'at swallers therselves! + An', wite by the pump in our pasture-lot, + He showed me the hole 'at the Wunks is got, + 'At lives 'way deep in the ground, an' can + Turn into me, er 'Lizabuth Ann! + Aint he a funny old Raggedy Man? + Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man! + + The Raggedy Man--one time when he + Wuz makin' a little bow-'n'-orry fer me, + Says "When _you're_ big like your Pa is, + Air you go' to keep a fine store like his-- + An' be a rich merchunt--an' wear fine clothes?-- + Er what _air_ you go' to be, goodness knows!" + An' nen he laughed at 'Lizabuth Ann, + An' I says "'M go' to be a Raggedy Man!-- + I'm ist go' to be a nice Raggedy Man!" + Raggedy! Raggedy! Raggedy Man! + + + + +A MODERN ECLOGUE + +BY BLISS CARMAN + + +SHE + + If you were ferryman at Charon's ford, + And I came down the bank and called to you, + Waved you my hand and asked to come aboard, + And threw you kisses there, what would you do? + + Would there be such a crowd of other girls, + Pleading and pale and lonely as the sea, + You'd growl in your old beard, and shake your curls, + And say there was no room for little me? + + Would you remember each of them in turn? + Put all your faded fancies in the bow, + And all the rest before you in the stern, + And row them out with panic on your brow? + + If I came down and offered you my fare + And more beside, could you refuse me there? + + +HE + + If I were ferryman in Charon's place, + And ran that crazy scow with perilous skill, + I should be so worn out with keeping trace + Of gibbering ghosts and bidding them sit still, + + If you should come with daisies in your hands, + Strewing their petals on the sombre stream,-- + "He will come," and "He won't come," down the lands + Of pallid reverie and ghostly dream,-- + + I would let every clamouring shape stand there, + And give its shadowy lungs free vent in vain, + While you with earthly roses in your hair, + And I grown young at sight of you again, + + Went down the stream once more at half-past seven + To find some brand-new continent of heaven. + + + + +A CABLE-CAR PREACHER + +BY SAM WALTER FOSS + + +I + + "'Tis strange how thoughtless people are," + A man said in a cable-car, + "How careless and how thoughtless," said + The Loud Man in the cable-car; + And then the Man with One Lame Leg + Said softly, "Pardon me, I beg, + For your valise is on my knee; + It's sore," said he of One Lame Leg. + + +II + + A woman then came in with twins + And stumbled o'er the Loud Man's shins; + And she was tired half to death, + This Woman Who Came in with Twins; + And then the Man with One Lame Leg + Said, "Madam, take my seat, I beg." + She sat, with her vociferant Twins, + And thanked the man of One Lame Leg. + + +III + + "'Tis strange how selfish people are, + They carry boorishness so far; + How selfish, careless, thoughtless," said + The Loud Man of the cable-car. + A Man then with the Lung Complaint + Grew dizzy and began to faint; + He reeled and swayed from side to side, + This poor Man with the Lung Complaint. + + +IV + + The Woman Who Came in with Twins + Said, "You can hardly keep your pins; + Pray, take my seat." He sat, and thanked + The Woman Who Came in with Twins. + The Loud Man once again began + To curse the selfishness of man; + Our lack of manners he bewailed + With vigor, did this Loud, Loud Man. + + +V + + But still the Loud Man kept his seat; + A Blind Man stumbled o'er his feet; + The Loud Man preached on selfishness, + And preached, and preached, and kept his seat. + The poor Man with the Lung Complaint + Stood up--a brave, heroic saint-- + And to the Blind Man, "Take my seat," + Said he who had the Lung Complaint. + + +VI + + The Loud Man preached on selfish sins; + The Woman Who Came in with Twins; + The poor Man with the Lung Complaint, + Stood, while he preached on selfish sins. + And still the Man with One Lame Leg + Stood there on his imperfect peg + And heard the screed on selfish sins-- + This patient Man with One Lame Leg. + + +VII + + The Loud Man of the cable-car + Sat still and preached and traveled far; + The Blind Man spake no word unto + The Loud Man of the cable-car. + The Lame-Legged Man looked reconciled, + And she with Twins her grief beguiled, + The poor Man with the Lung Complaint-- + All stood, and sweetly, sadly smiled. + + + + +HOW TO KNOW THE WILD ANIMALS + +BY CAROLYN WELLS + + + If ever you should go by chance + To jungles in the East, + And if there should to you advance + A large and tawny beast-- + If he roar at you as you're dyin', + You'll know it is the Asian Lion. + + If, when in India loafing round, + A noble wild beast meets you, + With dark stripes on a yellow ground, + Just notice if he eats you. + This simple rule may help you learn + The Bengal Tiger to discern. + + When strolling forth, a beast you view + Whose hide with spots is peppered; + As soon as it has leapt on you, + You'll know it is the Leopard. + 'T will do no good to roar with pain, + He'll only lep and lep again. + + If you are sauntering round your yard, + And meet a creature there + Who hugs you very, very hard, + You'll know it is the Bear. + If you have any doubt, I guess + He'll give you just one more caress. + + Whene'er a quadruped you view + Attached to any tree, + It may be 'tis the Wanderoo, + Or yet the Chimpanzee. + If right side up it may be both, + If upside down it is the Sloth. + + Though to distinguish beasts of prey + A novice might nonplus; + Yet from the Crocodile you may + Tell the Hyena, thus: + 'Tis the Hyena if it smile; + If weeping, 'tis the Crocodile. + + The true Chameleon is small-- + A lizard sort of thing; + He hasn't any ears at all + And not a single wing. + If there is nothing on the tree + 'Tis the Chameleon you see. + + + + +I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER + +BY PHOEBE CARY + + + I remember, I remember, + The house where I was wed, + And the little room from which that night, + My smiling bride was led. + She didn't come a wink too soon, + Nor make too long a stay; + But now I often wish her folks + Had kept the girl away! + + I remember, I remember, + Her dresses, red and white, + Her bonnets and her caps and cloaks,-- + They cost an awful sight! + The "corner lot" on which I built, + And where my brother met + At first my wife, one washing-day,-- + That man is single yet! + + I remember, I remember, + Where I was used to court, + And thought that all of married life + Was just such pleasant sport:-- + My spirit flew in feathers then, + No care was on my brow; + I scarce could wait to shut the gate,-- + I'm not so anxious now! + + I remember, I remember, + My dear one's smile and sigh; + I used to think her tender heart + Was close against the sky. + It was a childish ignorance, + But now it soothes me not + To know I'm farther off from Heaven + Then when she wasn't got. + + + + +THE COUPON BONDS + +BY J.T. TROWBRIDGE + + +(Mr. and Mrs. Ducklow have secretly purchased bonds with money that +should have been given to their adopted son Reuben, who has sacrificed +his health in serving his country as a soldier, and, going to visit +Reuben on the morning of his return home, they hide the bonds under the +carpet of the sitting-room, and leave the house in charge of Taddy, +another adopted son.) + + * * * * * + +Mr. Ducklow had scarcely turned the corner of the street, when, looking +anxiously in the direction of his homestead, he saw a column of smoke. +It was directly over the spot where he knew his house to be situated. He +guessed at a glance what had happened. The frightful catastrophe he +foreboded had befallen. Taddy had set the house afire. + +"Them bonds! them bonds!" he exclaimed, distractedly. He did not think +so much of the house: house and furniture were insured; if they were +burned the inconvenience would be great indeed, and at any other time +the thought of such an event would have been a sufficient cause for +trepidation; but now his chief, his only anxiety was the bonds. They +were not insured. They would be a dead loss. And, what added sharpness +to his pangs, they would be a loss which he must keep a secret, as he +had kept their existence a secret,--a loss which he could not confess, +and of which he could not complain. Had he not just given his neighbors +to understand that he had no such property? And his wife,--was she not +at that very moment, if not serving up a lie upon the subject, at least +paring the truth very thin indeed? + +"A man would think," observed Ferring, "that Ducklow had some o' them +bonds on his hands, and got scaret, he took such a sudden start. He has, +hasn't he, Mrs. Ducklow?" + +"Has what?" said Mrs. Ducklow, pretending ignorance. + +"Some o' them cowpon bonds. I rather guess he's got some." + +"You mean Gov'ment bonds? Ducklow got some? 'Tain't at all likely he'd +spec'late in them without saying something to _me_ about it. No, he +couldn't have any without my knowing it, I'm sure." + +How demure, how innocent she looked, plying her knitting-needle, and +stopping to take up a stitch! How little at that moment she knew of +Ducklow's trouble and its terrible cause! + +Ducklow's first impulse was to drive on and endeavor at all hazards to +snatch the bonds from the flames. His next was to return and alarm his +neighbors and obtain their assistance. But a minute's delay might be +fatal: so he drove on, screaming, "Fire! fire!" at the top of his voice. + +But the old mare was a slow-footed animal; and Ducklow had no whip. He +reached forward and struck her with the reins. + +"Git up! git up!--Fire! fire!" screamed Ducklow. "Oh, them bonds! them +bonds! Why didn't I give the money to Reuben? Fire! fire! fire!" + +By dint of screaming and slapping, he urged her from a trot into a +gallop, which was scarcely an improvement as to speed, and certainly +not as to grace. It was like the gallop of an old cow. "Why don't ye go +'long?" he cried, despairingly. + +Slap! slap! He knocked his own hat off with the loose end of the reins. +It fell under the wheels. He cast one look behind, to satisfy himself +that it had been very thoroughly run over and crushed into the dirt, and +left it to its fate. + +Slap! slap! "Fire! fire!" Canter, canter, canter! Neighbors looked out +of their windows, and, recognizing Ducklow's wagon and old mare in such +an astonishing plight, and Ducklow himself, without his hat, rising from +his seat and reaching forward in wild attitudes, brandishing the reins, +and at the same time rending the azure with yells, thought he must be +insane. + +He drove to the top of the hill, and, looking beyond, in expectation of +seeing his house wrapped in flames, discovered that the smoke proceeded +from a brush-heap which his neighbor Atkins was burning in a field near +by. + +The revulsion of feeling that ensued was almost too much for the +excitable Ducklow. His strength went out of him. For a little while +there seemed to be nothing left of him but tremor and cold sweat. +Difficult as it had been to get the old mare in motion, it was now even +more difficult to stop her. + +"Why, what has got into Ducklow's old mare? She's running away with him! +Who ever heard of such a thing!" And Atkins, watching the ludicrous +spectacle from his field, became almost as weak from laughter as Ducklow +was from the effects of fear. + +At length Ducklow succeeded in checking the old mare's speed and in +turning her about. It was necessary to drive back for his hat. By this +time he could hear a chorus of shouts, "Fire! fire! fire!" over the +hill. He had aroused the neighbors as he passed, and now they were +flocking to extinguish the flames. + +"A false alarm! a false alarm!" said Ducklow, looking marvelously +sheepish, as he met them. "Nothing but Atkins's brush-heap!" + +"Seems to me you ought to have found that out 'fore you raised all +creation with your yells!" said one hyperbolical fellow. "You looked +like the Flying Dutchman! This your hat? I thought 'twas a dead cat in +the road. No fire! no fire!"--turning back to his comrades,--"only one +of Ducklow's jokes." + +Nevertheless, two or three boys there were who would not be convinced, +but continued to leap up, swing their caps, and scream "Fire!" against +all remonstrance. Ducklow did not wait to enter his explanations, but, +turning the old mare about again, drove home amid the laughter of the +by-standers and the screams of the misguided youngsters. As he +approached the house, he met Taddy rushing wildly up the street. + +"Thaddeus! Thaddeus! Where ye goin', Thaddeus?" + +"Goin' to the fire!" cried Taddy. + +"There isn't any fire, boy." + +"Yes, there is! Didn't ye hear 'em? They've been yellin' like fury." + +"It's nothin' but Atkins's brush." + +"That all?" And Taddy appeared very much disappointed. "I thought there +was goin' to be some fun. I wonder who was such a fool as to yell fire +just for a darned old brush-heap!" + +Ducklow did not inform him. + +"I've got to drive over to town and get Reuben's trunk. You stand by the +mare while I step in and brush my hat." + +Instead of applying himself at once to the restoration of his beaver, he +hastened to the sitting-room, to see that the bonds were safe. + +"Heavens and 'arth!" said Ducklow. + +The chair, which had been carefully planted in the spot where they were +concealed, had been removed. Three or four tacks had been taken out, and +the carpet pushed from the wall. There was straw scattered about. +Evidently Taddy had been interrupted, in the midst of his ransacking, by +the alarm of fire. Indeed, he was even now creeping into the house to +see what notice Ducklow would take of these evidences of his mischief. + +In great trepidation the farmer thrust in his hand here and there, and +groped, until he found the envelope precisely where it had been placed +the night before, with the tape tied around it, which his wife had put +on to prevent its contents from slipping out and losing themselves. +Great was the joy of Ducklow. Great also was the wrath of him when he +turned and discovered Taddy. + +"Didn't I tell you to stand by the old mare?" + +"She won't stir," said Taddy, shrinking away again. + +"Come here!" And Ducklow grasped him by the collar. + +"What have you been doin'? Look at that!" + +"'Twan't me!" beginning to whimper and ram his fists into his eyes. + +"Don't tell me 'twan't you!" Ducklow shook him till his teeth chattered. +"What was you pullin' up the carpet for?" + +"Lost a marble!" sniveled Taddy. + +"Lost a marble! Ye didn't lose it under the carpet, did ye? Look at all +that straw pulled out!" shaking him again. + +"Didn't know but it might 'a' got under the carpet, marbles roll so," +explained Taddy, as soon as he could get his breath. + +"Wal, sir,"--Ducklow administered a resounding box on his ear,--"don't +you do such a thing again, if you lose a million marbles!" + +"Hain't got a million!" Taddy wept, rubbing his cheek. "Hain't got but +four! Won't ye buy me some to-day?" + +"Go to that mare, and don't you leave her again till I come, or I'll +_marble_ ye in a way you won't like." + +Understanding, by this somewhat equivocal form of expression, that +flagellation was threatened, Taddy obeyed, still feeling his smarting +and burning ear. + +Ducklow was in trouble. What should he do with the bonds? The floor was +no place for them after what had happened; and he remembered too well +the experience of yesterday to think for a moment of carrying them about +his person. With unreasonable impatience, his mind reverted to Mrs. +Ducklow. + +"Why ain't she to home? These women are forever a-gaddin'! I wish +Reuben's trunk was in Jericho!" + +Thinking of the trunk reminded him of one in the garret, filled with old +papers of all sorts,--newspapers, letters, bills of sale, children's +writing-books,--accumulations of the past quarter of a century. Neither +fire nor burglar nor ransacking youngster had ever molested those +ancient records during all those five-and-twenty years. A bright thought +struck him. + +"I'll slip the bonds down into that worthless heap o' rubbish, where no +one 'ull ever think o' lookin' for 'em, and resk 'em." + +Having assured himself that Taddy was standing by the wagon, he paid a +hasty visit to the trunk in the garret, and concealed the envelope, +still bound in its band of tape, among the papers. He then drove away, +giving Taddy a final charge to beware of setting anything afire. + +He had driven about half a mile, when he met a peddler. There was +nothing unusual or alarming in such a circumstance, surely; but, as +Ducklow kept on, it troubled him. + +"He'll stop to the house, now, most likely, and want to trade. Findin' +nobody but Taddy, there's no knowin' what he'll be tempted to do. But I +ain't a-goin' to worry. I'll defy anybody to find them bonds. Besides, +she may be home by this time. I guess she'll hear of the fire-alarm and +hurry home: it'll be jest like her. She'll be there, and trade with the +peddler!" thought Ducklow, uneasily. Then a frightful fancy possessed +him. "She has threatened two or three times to sell that old trunkful of +papers. He'll offer a big price for 'em, and ten to one she'll let him +have 'em. Why _didn't_ I think on't? What a stupid blunderbuss I be!" + +As Ducklow thought of it, he felt almost certain that Mrs. Ducklow had +returned home, and that she was bargaining with the peddler at that +moment. He fancied her smilingly receiving bright tin-ware for the old +papers; and he could see the tape-tied envelope going into the bag with +the rest. The result was that he turned about and whipped his old mare +home again in terrific haste, to catch the departing peddler. + +Arriving, he found the house as he had left it, and Taddy occupied in +making a kite-frame. + +"Did that peddler stop here?" + +"I hain't seen no peddler." + +"And hain't yer Ma Ducklow been home, nuther?" + +"No." + +And, with a guilty look, Taddy put the kite-frame behind him. + +Ducklow considered. The peddler had turned up a cross-street: he would +probably turn down again and stop at the house, after all: Mrs. Ducklow +might by that time be at home: then the sale of old papers would be +very likely to take place. Ducklow thought of leaving word that he did +not wish any old papers in the house to be sold, but feared lest the +request might excite Taddy's suspicions. + +"I don't see no way but for me to take the bonds with me," thought he, +with an inward groan. + +He accordingly went to the garret, took the envelope out of the trunk, +and placed it in the breast-pocket of his overcoat, to which he pinned +it, to prevent it by any chance from getting out. He used six large, +strong pins for the purpose, and was afterwards sorry he did not use +seven. + +"There's suthin' losin' out o' yer pocket!" bawled Taddy, as he was once +more mounting the wagon. + +Quick as lightning, Ducklow clapped his hand to his breast. In doing so +he loosed his hold of the wagon-box and fell, raking his shin badly on +the wheel. + +"Yer side-pocket! It's one o' yer mittens!" said Taddy. + +"You rascal! How you scared me!" + +Seating himself in the wagon, Ducklow gently pulled up his trousers-leg +to look at the bruised part. + +"Got anything in your boot-leg to-day, Pa Ducklow?" asked Taddy, +innocently. + +"Yes,--a barked shin!--all on your account, too! Go and put that straw +back, and fix the carpet; and don't ye let me hear ye speak of my +boot-leg again, or I'll boot-leg ye!" + +So saying, Ducklow departed. + +Instead of repairing the mischief he had done in the sitting-room, Taddy +devoted his time and talents to the more interesting occupation of +constructing his kite-frame. He worked at that until Mr. Grantly, the +minister, driving by, stopped to inquire how the folks were. + +"Ain't to home: may I ride?" cried Taddy, all in a breath. + +Mr. Grantly was an indulgent old gentleman, fond of children: so he +said, "Jump in;" and in a minute Taddy had scrambled to a seat by his +side. + +And now occurred a circumstance which Ducklow had foreseen. The alarm of +fire had reached Reuben's; and, although the report of its falseness +followed immediately, Mrs. Ducklow's inflammable fancy was so kindled by +it that she could find no comfort in prolonging her visit. + +"Mr. Ducklow'll be going for the trunk, and I _must_ go home and see to +things, Taddy's _such_ a fellow for mischief. I can foot it; I shan't +mind it." + +And off she started, walking herself out of breath in anxiety. + +She reached the brow of the hill just in time to see a chaise drive away +from her own door. + +"Who _can_ that be? I wonder if Taddy's ther' to guard the house! If +anything should happen to them bonds!" + +Out of breath as she was, she quickened her pace, and trudged on, +flushed, perspiring, panting, until she reached the house. + +"Thaddeus!" she called. + +No Taddy answered. She went in. The house was deserted. And, lo! the +carpet torn up, and the bonds abstracted! + +Mr. Ducklow never would have made such work, removing the bonds. Then +somebody else must have taken them, she reasoned. + +"The man in the chaise!" she exclaimed, or rather made an effort to +exclaim, succeeding only in bringing forth a hoarse, gasping sound. Fear +dried up articulation. _Vox faucibus haesit._ + +And Taddy? He had disappeared, been murdered, perhaps,--or gagged and +carried away by the man in the chaise. + +Mrs. Ducklow flew hither and thither (to use a favorite phrase of her +own), "like a hen with her head cut off;" then rushed out of the house +and up the street, screaming after the chaise,-- + +"Murder! murder! Stop thief! stop thief!" + +She waved her hands aloft in the air frantically. If she had trudged +before, now she trotted, now she cantered; but, if the cantering of the +old mare was fitly likened to that of a cow, to what thing, to what +manner of motion under the sun, shall we liken the cantering of Mrs. +Ducklow? It was original; it was unique; it was prodigious. Now, with +her frantically waving hands, and all her undulating and flapping +skirts, she seemed a species of huge, unwieldy bird, attempting to fly. +Then she sank down into a heavy, dragging walk,--breath and strength all +gone,--no voice left even to scream "murder!" Then, the awful +realization of the loss of the bonds once more rushing over her, she +started up again. "Half running, half flying, what progress she made!" +Then Atkins's dog saw her, and, naturally mistaking her for a prodigy, +came out at her, bristling up and bounding and barking terrifically. + +"Come here!" cried Atkins, following the dog. "What's the matter? What's +to pay, Mrs. Ducklow?" + +Attempting to speak, the good woman could only pant and wheeze. + +"Robbed!" she at last managed to whisper, amid the yelpings of the cur +that refused to be silenced. + +"Robbed? How? Who?" + +"The chaise. Ketch it." + +Her gestures expressed more than her words; and, Atkins's horse and +wagon, with which he had been drawing out brush, being in the yard +near-by, he ran to them, leaped to the seat, drove into the road, took +Mrs. Ducklow aboard, and set out in vigorous pursuit of the slow +two-wheeled vehicle. + +"Stop, you, sir! Stop, you, sir!" shrieked Mrs. Ducklow, having +recovered her breath by the time they came up with the chaise. + +It stopped, and Mr. Grantly, the minister, put out his good-natured, +surprised face. + +"You've robbed my house! You've took--" + +Mrs. Ducklow was going on in wild, accusatory accents, when she +recognized the benign countenance. + +"What do you say? I have robbed you?" he exclaimed, very much +astonished. + +"No, no! not you! You wouldn't do such a thing!" she stammered forth, +while Atkins, who had laughed himself weak at Mr. Ducklow's plight +earlier in the morning, now laughed himself into a side-ache at Mrs. +Ducklow's ludicrous mistake. "But did you--did you stop at my house? +Have you seen our Thaddeus?" + +"Here I be, Ma Ducklow!" piped a small voice; and Taddy, who had till +then remained hidden, fearing punishment, peeped out of the chaise from +behind the broad back of the minister. + +"Taddy! Taddy! how came the carpet--" + +"I pulled it up, huntin' for a marble," said Taddy, as she paused, +overmastered by her emotions. + +"And the--the thing tied up in a brown wrapper?" + +"Pa Ducklow took it." + +"Ye sure?" + +"Yes; I seen him." + +"Oh, dear!" said Mrs. Ducklow, "I never was so beat! Mr. Grantly, I +hope--excuse me--I didn't know what I was about! Taddy, you notty boy, +what did you leave the house for? Be ye quite sure yer Pa Ducklow--" + +Taddy replied that he was quite sure, as he climbed from the chaise into +Atkins's wagon. The minister smilingly remarked that he hoped she would +find no robbery had been committed, and went his way. Atkins, driving +back, and setting her and Taddy down at the Ducklow gate, answered her +embarrassed "Much obleeged to ye," with a sincere "Not at all," +considering the fun he had had a sufficient compensation for his +trouble. And thus ended the morning adventures, with the exception of an +unimportant episode, in which Taddy, Mrs. Ducklow, and Mrs. Ducklow's +rattan were the principal actors. + + + + +THE SHOOTING-MATCH + +BY A.B. LONGSTREET + + +Shooting-matches are probably nearly coeval with the colonization of +Georgia. They are still common throughout the Southern States, though +they are not as common as they were twenty-five or thirty years ago. +Chance led me to one about a year ago. I was traveling in one of the +northeastern counties, when I overtook a swarthy, bright-eyed, smirky +little fellow, riding a small pony, and bearing on his shoulder a long, +heavy rifle, which, judging from its looks, I should say had done +service in Morgan's corps. + +"Good morning, sir!" said I, reining up my horse as I came beside him. + +"How goes it, stranger?" said he, with a tone of independence and +self-confidence that awakened my curiosity to know a little of his +character. + +"Going driving?" inquired I. + +"Not exactly," replied he, surveying my horse with a quizzical smile; "I +haven't been a driving _by myself_ for a year or two; and my nose has +got so bad lately, I can't carry a cold trail _without hounds to help +me_." + +Alone, and without hounds as he was, the question was rather a silly +one; but it answered the purpose for which it was put, which was only to +draw him into conversation, and I proceeded to make as decent a retreat +as I could. + +"I didn't know," said I, "but that you were going to meet the huntsmen, +or going to your stand." + +"Ah, sure enough," rejoined he, "that _mout_ be a bee, as the old woman +said when she killed a wasp. It seems to me I ought to know you." + +"Well, if you _ought_, why _don't_ you?" + +"What _mout_ your name be?" + +"It _might_ be anything," said I, with a borrowed wit, for I knew my man +and knew what kind of conversation would please him most. + +"Well, what _is_ it, then?" + +"It _is_ Hall," said I; "but you know it might as well have been +anything else." + +"Pretty digging!" said he. "I find you're not the fool I took you to be; +so here's to a better acquaintance with you." + +"With all my heart," returned I; "but you must be as clever as I've +been, and give me your name." + +"To be sure I will, my old coon; take it, take it, and welcome. Anything +else about me you'd like to have?" + +"No," said I, "there's nothing else about you worth having." + +"Oh, yes there is, stranger! Do you see this?" holding up his ponderous +rifle with an ease that astonished me. "If you will go with me to the +shooting-match, and see me knock out the _bull's-eye_ with her a few +times, you'll agree the old _Soap-stick's_ worth something when Billy +Curlew puts his shoulder to her." + +This short sentence was replete with information to me. It taught me +that my companion was _Billy Curlew_; that he was going to a +_shooting-match_; that he called his rifle the _Soap-stick_, and that he +was very confident of winning beef with her; or, which is nearly, but +not quite the same thing, _driving the cross with her_. + +"Well," said I, "if the shooting-match is not too far out of my way, +I'll go to it with pleasure." + +"Unless your way lies through the woods from here," said Billy, "it'll +not be much out of your way; for it's only a mile ahead of us, and there +is no other road for you to take till you get there; and as that thing +you're riding in ain't well suited to fast traveling among brushy knobs, +I reckon you won't lose much by going by. I reckon you hardly ever was +at a shooting-match, stranger, from the cut of your coat?" + +"Oh, yes," returned I, "many a time. I won beef at one when I was hardly +old enough to hold a shot-gun off-hand." + +"_Children_ don't go to shooting-matches about here," said he, with a +smile of incredulity. "I never heard of but one that did, and he was a +little _swinge_ cat. He was born a shooting, and killed squirrels before +he was weaned." + +"Nor did _I_ ever hear of but one," replied I, "and that one was +myself." + +"And where did you win beef so young, stranger?" + +"At Berry Adams's." + +"Why, stop, stranger, let me look at you good! Is your name _Lyman_ +Hall?" + +"The very same," said I. + +"Well, dang my buttons, if you ain't the very boy my daddy used to tell +me about. I was too young to recollect you myself; but I've heard daddy +talk about you many a time. I believe mammy's got a neck-handkerchief +now that daddy won on your shooting at Collen Reid's store, when you +were hardly knee high. Come along, Lyman, and I'll go my death upon you +at the shooting-match, with the old Soap-stick at your shoulder." + +"Ah, Billy," said I, "the old Soap-stick will do much better at your own +shoulder. It was my mother's notion that sent me to the shooting-match +at Berry Adams's; and, to tell the honest truth, it was altogether a +chance shot that made me win beef; but that wasn't generally known; and +most everybody believed that I was carried there on account of my skill +in shooting; and my fame was spread far and wide, I well remember. I +remember, too, perfectly well, your father's bet on me at the store. +_He_ was at the shooting-match, and nothing could make him believe but +that I was a great shot with a rifle as well as a shot-gun. Bet he would +on me, in spite of all I could say, though I assured him that I had +never shot a rifle in my life. It so happened, too, that there were but +two bullets, or, rather, a bullet and a half; and so confident was your +father in my skill, that he made me shoot the half bullet; and, strange +to tell, by another chance shot, I like to have drove the cross and won +his bet." + +"Now I know you're the very chap, for I heard daddy tell that very thing +about the half bullet. Don't say anything about it, Lyman, and darn my +old shoes, if I don't tare the lint off the boys with you at the +shooting-match. They'll never 'spect such a looking man as you are of +knowing anything about a rifle. I'll risk your _chance_ shots." + +I soon discovered that the father had eaten sour grapes, and the son's +teeth were on edge; for Billy was just as incorrigibly obstinate in his +belief of my dexterity with a rifle as his father had been before him. + +We soon reached the place appointed for the shooting-match. It went by +the name of Sims's Cross Roads, because here two roads intersected each +other; and because, from the time that the first had been laid out, +Archibald Sims had resided there. Archibald had been a justice of the +peace in his day (and where is the man of his age in Georgia who has +not?); consequently, he was called 'Squire Sims. It is the custom in +this state, when a man has once acquired a title, civil or military, to +force it upon him as long as he lives; hence the countless number of +titled personages who are introduced in these sketches. + +We stopped at the 'squire's door. Billy hastily dismounted, gave me the +shake of the hand which he had been reluctantly reserving for a mile +back, and, leading me up to the 'squire, thus introduced me: "Uncle +Archy, this is Lyman Hall; and for all you see him in these fine +clothes, he's a _swinge_ cat; a darn sight cleverer fellow than he looks +to be. Wait till you see him lift the old Soap-stick, and draw a bead +upon the bull's-eye. You _gwine_ to see fun here to-day. Don't say +nothing about it." + +"Well, Mr. Swinge-cat," said the 'squire, "here's to a better +acquaintance with you," offering me his hand. + +"How goes it, Uncle Archy?" said I, taking his hand warmly (for I am +always free and easy with those who are so with me; and in this course I +rarely fail to please). "How's the old woman?" + +"Egad," said the 'squire, chuckling, "there you're too hard for me; for +she died two-and-twenty years ago, and I haven't heard a word from her +since." + +"What! and you never married again?" + +"Never, as God's my judge!" (a solemn asseveration, truly, upon so light +a subject.) + +"Well, that's not my fault." + +"No, nor it's not mine, _ni_ther," said the 'squire. + +Here we were interrupted by the cry of another Rancey Sniffle. "Hello, +here! All you as wish to put in for the shoot'n'-match, come on here! +for the putt'n' in's _riddy_ to begin." + +About sixty persons, including mere spectators, had collected; the most +of whom were more or less obedient to the call of Mealy Whitecotton, for +that was the name of the self-constituted commander-in-chief. Some +hastened and some loitered, as they desired to be first or last on the +list; for they shoot in the order in which their names are entered. + +The beef was not present, nor is it ever upon such occasions; but +several of the company had seen it, who all concurred in the opinion +that it was a good beef, and well worth the price that was set upon +it--eleven dollars. A general inquiry ran around, in order to form some +opinion as to the number of shots that would be taken; for, of course, +the price of a shot is cheapened in proportion to the increase of that +number. It was soon ascertained that not more than twenty persons would +take chances; but these twenty agreed to take the number of shots, at +twenty-five cents each. + +The competitors now began to give in their names; some for one, some for +two, three, and a few for as many as four shots. + +Billy Curlew hung back to the last; and when the list was offered him, +five shots remained undisposed of. + +"How many shots left?" inquired Billy. + +"Five," was the reply. + +"Well, I take 'em all. Put down four shots to me, and one to Lyman Hall, +paid for by William Curlew." + +I was thunder-struck, not at his proposition to pay for my shot, because +I knew that Billy meant it as a token of friendship, and he would have +been hurt if I had refused to let him do me this favor; but at the +unexpected announcement of my name as a competitor for beef, at least +one hundred miles from the place of my residence. I was prepared for a +challenge from Billy to some of his neighbors for a _private_ match upon +me; but not for this. + +I therefore protested against his putting in for me, and urged every +reason to dissuade him from it that I could, without wounding his +feelings. + +"Put it down!" said Billy, with the authority of an emperor, and with a +look that spoke volumes intelligible to every by-stander. "Reckon I +don't know what I'm about?" Then wheeling off, and muttering in an +under, self-confident tone, "Dang old Roper," continued he, "if he don't +knock that cross to the north corner of creation and back again before a +cat can lick her foot." + +Had I been king of the cat tribe, they could not have regarded me with +more curious attention than did the whole company from this moment. +Every inch of me was examined with the nicest scrutiny; and some plainly +expressed by their looks that they never would have taken me for such a +bite. I saw no alternative but to throw myself upon a third chance shot; +for though, by the rules of the sport, I would have been allowed to +shoot by proxy, by all the rules of good breeding I was bound to shoot +in person. It would have been unpardonable to disappoint the +expectations which had been raised on me. Unfortunately, too, for me, +the match differed in one respect from those which I had been in the +habit of attending in my younger days. In olden times the contest was +carried on chiefly with _shot-guns_, a generic term which, in those +days, embraced three descriptions of firearms: _Indian-traders_ (a long, +cheap, but sometimes excellent kind of gun, that mother Britain used to +send hither for traffic with the Indians), _the large musket_, and the +_shot-gun_, properly so-called. Rifles were, however, always permitted +to compete with them, under equitable restrictions. These were, that +they should be fired off-hand, while the shot-guns were allowed a rest, +the distance being equal; or that the distance should be one hundred +yards for a rifle, to sixty for the shot-gun, the mode of firing being +equal. + +But this was a match of rifles exclusively; and these are by far the +most common at this time. + +Most of the competitors fire at the same target; which is usually a +board from nine inches to a foot wide, charred on one side as black as +it can be made by fire, without impairing materially the uniformity of +its surface; on the darkened side of which is _pegged_ a square piece of +white paper, which is larger or smaller, according to the distance at +which it is to be placed from the marksmen. This is almost invariably +sixty yards, and for it the paper is reduced to about two and a half +inches square. Out of the center of it is cut a rhombus of about the +width of an inch, measured diagonally; this is the _bull's-eye_, or +_diamond_, as the marksmen choose to call it; in the center of this is +the cross. But every man is permitted to fix his target to his own +taste; and accordingly, some remove one-fourth of the paper, cutting +from the center of the square to the two lower corners, so as to leave a +large angle opening from the center downward; while others reduce the +angle more or less: but it is rarely the case that all are not satisfied +with one of these figures. + +The beef is divided into five prizes, or, as they are commonly termed, +five _quarters_--the hide and tallow counting as one. For several years +after the revolutionary war, a sixth was added: the _lead_ which was +shot in the match. This was the prize of the sixth best shot; and it +used to be carefully extracted from the board or tree in which it was +lodged, and afterward remoulded. But this grew out of the exigency of +the times, and has, I believe, been long since abandoned everywhere. + +The three master shots and rivals were Moses Firmby, Larkin Spivey and +Billy Curlew; to whom was added, upon this occasion, by common consent +and with awful forebodings, your humble servant. + +The target was fixed at an elevation of about three feet from the +ground; and the judges (Captain Turner and 'Squire Porter) took their +stands by it, joined by about half the spectators. + +The first name on the catalogue was Mealy Whitecotton. Mealy stepped +out, rifle in hand, and toed the mark. His rifle was about three inches +longer than himself, and near enough his own thickness to make the +remark of Darby Chislom, as he stepped out, tolerably appropriate: "Here +comes the corn-stalk and the sucker!" said Darby. + +"Kiss my foot!" said Mealy. "The way I'll creep into that bull's-eye's a +fact." + +"You'd better creep into your hind sight," said Darby. Mealy raised and +fired. + +"A pretty good shot, Mealy!" said one. + +"Yes, a blamed good shot!" said a second. + +"Well done, Meal!" said a third. + +I was rejoiced when one of the company inquired, "Where is it?" for I +could hardly believe they were founding these remarks upon the evidence +of their senses. + +"Just on the right-hand side of the bull's-eye," was the reply. + +I looked with all the power of my eyes, but was unable to discover the +least change in the surface of the paper. Their report, however, was +true; so much keener is the vision of a practiced than an unpracticed +eye. + +The next in order was Hiram Baugh. Hiram was like some race-horses which +I have seen; he was too good not to contend for every prize, and too +good for nothing ever to win one. + +"Gentlemen," said he, as he came to the mark, "I don't say that I'll win +beef; but if my piece don't blow, I'll eat the paper, or be mighty apt +to do it, if you'll b'lieve my racket. My powder are not good powder, +gentlemen; I bought it _thum_ (from) Zeb Daggett, and gin him +three-quarters of a dollar a pound for it; but it are not what I call +good powder, gentlemen; but if old Buck-killer burns it clear, the boy +you call Hiram Baugh eat's paper, or comes mighty near it." + +"Well, blaze away," said Mealy, "and be d----d to you, and Zeb Daggett, +and your powder, and Buck-killer, and your powder-horn and shot-pouch to +boot! How long you gwine stand thar talking 'fore you shoot?" + +"Never mind," said Hiram, "I can talk a little and shoot a little, too, +but that's nothin'. Here goes!" + +Hiram assumed the figure of a note of interrogation, took a long sight, +and fired. + +"I've eat paper," said he, at the crack of the gun, without looking, or +seeming to look, toward the target. "Buck-killer made a clear racket. +Where am I, gentlemen?" + +"You're just between Mealy and the diamond," was the reply. + +"I said I'd eat paper, and I've done it; haven't I, gentlemen?" + +"And 'spose you have!" said Mealy, "what do that 'mount to? You'll not +win beef, and never did." + +"Be that as it mout be, I've beat Meal 'Cotton mighty easy; and the boy +you call Hiram Baugh are able to do it." + +"And what do that 'mount to? Who the devil an't able to beat Meal +'Cotton! I don't make no pretense of bein' nothin' great, no how; but +you always makes out as if you were gwine to keep 'em makin' crosses for +you constant, and then do nothin' but '_eat paper_' at last; and that's +a long way from _eatin' beef_, 'cordin' to Meal 'Cotton's notions, as +you call him." + +Simon Stow was now called on. + +"Oh, Lord!" exclaimed two or three: "now we have it. It'll take him as +long to shoot as it would take 'Squire Dobbins to run round a _track_ o' +land." + +"Good-by, boys," said Bob Martin. + +"Where are you going, Bob?" + +"Going to gather in my crop; I'll be back again though by the time Sime +Stow shoots." + +Simon was used to all this, and therefore it did not disconcert him in +the least. He went off and brought his own target, and set it up with +his own hand. + +He then wiped out his rifle, rubbed the pan with his hat, drew a piece +of tow through the touch-hole with his wiper, filled his charger with +great care, poured the powder into the rifle with equal caution, shoved +in with his finger the two or three vagrant grains that lodged round the +mouth of his piece, took out a handful of bullets, looked them all over +carefully, selected one without flaw or wrinkle, drew out his patching, +found the most even part of it, sprung open the grease-box in the breech +of his rifle; took up just so much grease, distributed it with great +equality over the chosen part of his patching, laid it over the muzzle +of his rifle, grease side down, placed his ball upon it, pressed it a +little, then took it up and turned the neck a little more +perpendicularly downward, placed his knife handle on it, just buried it +in the mouth of the rifle, cut off the redundant patching just above the +bullet, looked at it, and shook his head in token that he had cut off +too much or too little, no one knew which, sent down the ball, measured +the contents of his gun with his first and second fingers on the +protruding part of the ramrod, shook his head again, to signify there +was too much or too little powder, primed carefully, placed an arched +piece of tin over the hind sight to shade it, took his place, got a +friend to hold his hat over the foresight to shade it, took a very long +sight, fired, and didn't even eat the paper. + +"My piece was badly _loadned_," said Simon, when he learned the place of +his ball. + +"Oh, you didn't take time," said Mealy. "No man can shoot that's in such +a hurry as you is. I'd hardly got to sleep 'fore I heard the crack o' +the gun." + +The next was Moses Firmby. He was a tall, slim man, of rather sallow +complexion; and it is a singular fact, that though probably no part of +the world is more healthy than the mountainous parts of Georgia, the +mountaineers have not generally robust frames or fine complexions: they +are, however, almost inexhaustible by toil. + +Moses kept us not long in suspense. His rifle was already charged, and +he fixed it upon the target with a steadiness of nerve and aim that was +astonishing to me and alarming to all the rest. A few seconds, and the +report of his rifle broke the deathlike silence which prevailed. + +"No great harm done yet," said Spivey, manifestly relieved from anxiety +by an event which seemed to me better calculated to produce despair. +Firmby's ball had cut out the lower angle of the diamond, directly on a +right line with the cross. + +Three or four followed him without bettering his shot; all of whom, +however, with one exception, "eat the paper." + +It now came to Spivey's turn. There was nothing remarkable in his person +or manner. He took his place, lowered his rifle slowly from a +perpendicular until it came on a line with the mark, held it there like +a vice for a moment and fired. + +"Pretty _sevigrous_, but nothing killing yet," said Billy Curlew, as he +learned the place of Spivey's ball. + +Spivey's ball had just broken the upper angle of the diamond; beating +Firmby about half its width. + +A few more shots, in which there was nothing remarkable, brought us to +Billy Curlew. Billy stepped out with much confidence, and brought the +Soap-stick to an order, while he deliberately rolled up his shirt +sleeves. Had I judged Billy's chance of success from the looks of his +gun, I should have said it was hopeless. The stock of Soap-stick seemed +to have been made with a case-knife; and had it been, the tool would +have been but a poor apology for its clumsy appearance. An auger-hole in +the breech served for a grease-box; a cotton string assisted a single +screw in holding on the lock; and the thimbles were made, one of brass, +one of iron, and one of tin. + +"Where's Lark Spivey's bullet?" called out Billy to the judges, as he +finished rolling up his sleeves. + +"About three-quarters of an inch from the cross," was the reply. + +"Well, clear the way! the Soap-stick's coming, and she'll be along in +there among 'em presently." + +Billy now planted himself astraddle, like an inverted V; shot forward +his left hip, drew his body back to an angle of about forty-five degrees +with the plane of the horizon, brought his cheek down close to the +breech of old Soap-stick, and fixed her upon the mark with untrembling +hand. His sight was long, and the swelling muscles of his left arm led +me to believe that he was lessening his chance of success with every +half second that he kept it burdened with his ponderous rifle; but it +neither flagged nor wavered until Soap-stick made her report. + +"Where am I?" said Billy, as the smoke rose from before his eye. + +"You've jist touched the cross on the lower side," was the reply of one +of the judges. + +"I was afraid I was drawing my bead a _leetle_ too fine," said Billy. +"Now, Lyman, you see what the Soap-stick can do. Take her, and show the +boys how you used to do when you was a baby." + +I begged to reserve my shot to the last; pleading, rather +sophistically, that it was, in point of fact, one of the Billy's shots. +My plea was rather indulged than sustained, and the marksmen who had +taken more than one shot commenced the second round. This round was a +manifest improvement upon the first. The cross was driven three times: +once by Spivey, once by Firmby, and once by no less a personage than +Mealy Whitecotton, whom chance seemed to favor for this time, merely +that he might retaliate upon Hiram Baugh; and the bull's-eye was +disfigured out of all shape. + +The third and fourth rounds were shot. Billy discharged his last shot, +which left the rights of parties thus: Billy Curlew first and fourth +choice, Spivey second, Firmby third and Whitecotton fifth. Some of my +readers may perhaps be curious to learn how a distinction comes to be +made between several, all of whom drive the cross. The distinction is +perfectly natural and equitable. Threads are stretched from the +uneffaced parts of the once intersecting lines, by means of which the +original position of the cross is precisely ascertained. Each +bullet-hole being nicely pegged up as it is made, it is easy to +ascertain its circumference. To this I believe they usually, if not +invariably, measure, where none of the balls touch the cross; but if the +cross be driven, they measure from it to the center of the bullet-hole. +To make a draw shot, therefore, between two who drive the cross, it is +necessary that the center of both balls should pass directly through the +cross; a thing that very rarely happens. + +_The Bite_ alone remained to shoot. Billy wiped out his rifle carefully, +loaded her to the top of his skill, and handed her to me. "Now," said +he, "Lyman, draw a fine bead, but not too fine; for Soap-stick bears up +her ball well. Take care and don't touch the trigger until you've got +your bead; for she's spring-trigger'd and goes mighty easy: but you +hold her to the place you want her, and if she don't go there, dang old +Roper." + +I took hold of Soap-stick, and lapsed immediately into the most hopeless +despair. I am sure I never handled as heavy a gun in all my life. "Why, +Billy," said I, "you little mortal, you! what do you use such a gun as +this for?" + +"Look at the bull's-eye yonder!" said he. + +"True," said I, "but _I_ can't shoot her; it is impossible." + +"Go 'long, you old coon!" said Billy; "I see what you're at;" intimating +that all this was merely to make the coming shot the more remarkable. +"Daddy's little boy don't shoot anything but the old Soap-stick here +to-day, I know." + +The judges, I knew, were becoming impatient, and, withal, my situation +was growing more embarrassing every second; so I e'en resolved to try +the Soap-stick without further parley. + +I stepped out, and the most intense interest was excited all around me, +and it flashed like electricity around the target, as I judged from the +anxious gaze of all in that direction. + +Policy dictated that I should fire with a falling rifle, and I adopted +this mode; determining to fire as soon as the sights came on a line with +the diamond, _bead_ or no _bead_. Accordingly, I commenced lowering old +Soap-stick; but, in spite of all my muscular powers, she was strictly +obedient to the laws of gravitation, and came down with a uniformly +accelerated velocity. Before I could arrest her downward flight, she had +not only passed the target, but was making rapid encroachments on my own +toes. + +"Why, he's the weakest man in the arms I ever seed," said one, in a half +whisper. + +"It's only his fun," said Billy; "I know him." + +"It may be fun," said the other, "but it looks mightily like yearnest to +a man up a tree." + +I now, of course, determined to reverse the mode of firing, and put +forth all my physical energies to raise Soap-stick to the mark. The +effort silenced Billy, and gave tongue to all his companions. I had just +strength enough to master Soap-stick's obstinate proclivity, and, +consequently, my nerves began to exhibit palpable signs of distress with +her first imperceptible movement upward. A trembling commenced in my +arms; increased, and extended rapidly to my body and lower extremities; +so that, by the time that I had brought Soap-stick up to the mark, I was +shaking from head to foot, exactly like a man under the continued action +of a strong galvanic battery. In the meantime my friends gave vent to +their feelings freely. + +"I swear poin' blank," said one, "that man can't shoot." + +"He used to shoot well," said another; "but can't now, nor never could." + +"You better git away from 'bout that mark!" bawled a third, "for I'll be +dod darned if Broadcloth don't give some of you the dry gripes if you +stand too close thare." + +"The stranger's got the peedoddles," said a fourth, with humorous +gravity. + +"If he had bullets enough in his gun, he'd shoot a ring round the +bull's-eye big as a spinning wheel," said a fifth. + +As soon as I found that Soap-stick was high enough (for I made no +farther use of the sights than to ascertain this fact), I pulled +trigger, and off she went. I have always found that the most creditable +way of relieving myself of derision was to heighten it myself as much as +possible. It is a good plan in all circles, but by far the best which +can be adopted among the plain, rough farmers of the country. +Accordingly, I brought old Soap-stick to an order with an air of +triumph; tipped Billy a wink, and observed, "Now, Billy, 's your time to +make your fortune. Bet 'em two to one that I've knocked out the cross." + +"No, I'll be dod blamed if I do," said Billy; "but I'll bet you two to +one that you hain't hit the plank." + +"Ah, Billy," said I, "I was joking about _betting_, for I never bet; nor +would I have you to bet: indeed, I do not feel exactly right in shooting +for beef; for it is a species of gaming at last: but I'll say this much: +if that cross isn't knocked out, I'll never shoot for beef again as long +as I live." + +"By dod," said Mealy Whitecotton, "you'll lose no great things at that." + +"Well," said I, "I reckon I know a little about wabbling. Is it +possible, Billy, a man who shoots as well as you do, never practiced +shooting with the double wabble? It's the greatest take in the world +when you learn to drive the cross with it. Another sort for getting bets +upon, to the drop-sight, with a single wabble! And the Soap-stick's the +very yarn for it." + +"Tell you what, stranger," said one, "you're too hard for us all here. +We never _hearn_ o' that sort o' shoot'n' in these parts." + +"Well," returned I, "you've seen it now, and I'm the boy that can do +it." + +The judges were now approaching with the target, and a singular +combination of circumstances had kept all my party in utter ignorance of +the result of my shot. Those about the target had been prepared by Billy +Curlew for a great shot from me; their expectations had received +assurance from the courtesy which had been extended to me; and nothing +had happened to disappoint them but the single caution to them against +the "dry gripes," which was as likely to have been given in irony as in +earnest; for my agonies under the weight of the Soap-stick were either +imperceptible to them at the distance of sixty yards, or, being visible, +were taken as the flourishes of an expert who wished to "astonish the +natives." The other party did not think the direction of my ball worth +the trouble of a question; or if they did, my airs and harangue had put +the thought to flight before it was delivered. Consequently, they were +all transfixed with astonishment when the judges presented the target to +them, and gravely observed, "It's only second best, after all the fuss." + +"Second best!" exclaimed I, with uncontrollable transports. + +The whole of my party rushed to the target to have the evidence of their +senses before they would believe the report; but most marvelous fortune +decreed that it should be true. Their incredulity and astonishment were +most fortunate for me; for they blinded my hearers to the real feelings +with which the exclamation was uttered, and allowed me sufficient time +to prepare myself for making the best use of what I had said before with +a very different object. + +"Second best!" reiterated I, with an air of despondency, as the company +turned from the target to me. "Second best, only? Here, Billy, my son, +take the old Soap-stick; she's a good piece, but I'm getting too old and +dim-sighted to shoot a rifle, especially with the drop-sight and double +wabbles." + +"Why, good Lord a'mighty!" said Billy, with a look that baffles all +description, "an't you _driv_ the cross?" + +"Oh, driv the cross!" rejoined I, carelessly. "What's that! Just look +where my ball is! I do believe in my soul its center is a full quarter +of an inch from the cross. I wanted to lay the center of the bullet upon +the cross, just as if you'd put it there with your fingers." + +Several received this palaver with a contemptuous but very appropriate +curl of the nose; and Mealy Whitecotton offered to bet a half pint "that +I couldn't do the like again with no sort o' wabbles, he didn't care +what." But I had already fortified myself on this quarter of my +morality. A decided majority, however, were clearly of opinion that I +was serious; and they regarded me as one of the wonders of the world. +Billy increased the majority by now coming out fully with my history, as +he had received it from his father; to which I listened with quite as +much astonishment as any other one of his hearers. He begged me to go +home with him for the night, or, as he expressed it, "to go home with +him and swap lies that night, and it shouldn't cost me a cent;" the true +reading of which is, that if I would go home with him, and give him the +pleasure of an evening's chat about old times, his house should be as +free to me as my own. But I could not accept his hospitality without +retracing five or six miles of the road which I had already passed, and +therefore I declined it. + +"Well, if you won't go, what must I tell the old woman for you, for +she'll be mighty glad to hear from the boy that won the silk +handkerchief for her, and I expect she'll lick me for not bringing you +home with me." + +"Tell her," said I, "that I send her a quarter of beef which I won, as I +did the handkerchief, by nothing in the world but mere good luck." + +"Hold your jaw, Lyman!" said Billy; "I an't a gwine to tell the old +woman any such lies; for she's a reg'lar built Meth'dist." + +As I turned to depart, "Stop a minute, stranger!" said one: then +lowering his voice to a confidential but distinctly audible tone, "What +you offering for?" continued he. I assured him I was not a candidate for +anything; that I had accidentally fallen in with Billy Curlew, who +begged me to come with him to the shooting-match, and, as it lay right +on my road, I had stopped. "Oh," said he, with a conciliatory nod, "if +you're up for anything, you needn't be mealy-mouthed about it 'fore us +boys; for we'll all go in for you here up to the handle." + +"Yes," said Billy, "dang old Roper if we don't go our death for you, no +matter who offers. If ever you come out for anything, Lyman, jist let +the boys of Upper Hogthief know it, and they'll go for you to the hilt, +against creation, tit or no tit, that's the _tatur_." + +I thanked them, kindly, but repeated my assurances. The reader will not +suppose that the district took its name from the character of the +inhabitants. In almost every county in the state there is some spot or +district which bears a contemptuous appellation, usually derived from +local rivalships, or from a single accidental circumstance. + + + + +DESOLATION[1] + +BY TOM MASSON + + + Somewhat back from the village street + Stands the old-fashioned country seat. + Across its antique portico + Tall poplar trees their shadows throw. + And there throughout the livelong day, + Jemima plays the pi-a-na. + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + + In the front parlor, there it stands, + And there Jemima plies her hands, + While her papa beneath his cloak, + Mutters and groans: "This is no joke!" + And swears to himself and sighs, alas! + With sorrowful voice to all who pass. + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + + Through days of death and days of birth + She plays as if she owned the earth. + Through every swift vicissitude + She drums as if it did her good, + And still she sits from morn till night + And plunks away with main and might, + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + + In that mansion used to be + Free-hearted hospitality; + But that was many years before + Jemima monkeyed with the score. + When she began her daily plunk, + Into their graves the neighbors sunk. + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + + To other worlds they've long since fled, + All thankful that they're safely dead. + They stood the racket while alive + Until Jemima rose at five. + And then they laid their burdens down, + And one and all they skipped the town. + Do, re, mi, + Mi, re, do. + +[Footnote 1: By permission of Life Publishing Company.] + + + + +CRANKIDOXOLOGY[2] + +BY WALLACE IRWIN + +(_Being a Mental Attitude from Bernard Pshaw_) + + + It's wrong to be thoroughly human, + It's stupid alone to be good, + And why should the "virtuous" woman + Continue to do as she should? + (It's stupid to do as you should!) + + For I'd rather be famous than pleasant, + I'd rather be rude than polite; + It's easy to sneer + When you're witty and queer, + And I'd rather be Clever than Right. + + I'm bored by mere Shakespeare and Milton, + Though Hubbard compels me to rave; + If _I_ should lay laurels to wilt on + That foggy Shakespearean grave, + How William would squirm in his grave! + + For I'd rather be Pshaw than be Shakespeare, + I'd rather be Candid than Wise; + And the way I amuse + Is to roundly abuse + The Public I feign to despise. + + I'm a Socialist, loving my brother + In quite an original way, + With my maxim, "Detest One Another"-- + Though, faith, I don't mean what I say. + (It's beastly to mean what you say!) + + For I'm fonder of talk than of Husbands, + And I'm fonder of fads than of Wives, + So I say unto you, + If you don't as you do + You will do as you don't all your lives. + + My "Candida's" ruddy as coral, + With thoughts quite too awfully plain-- + If folks would just call me Immoral + I'd feel that I'd not lived in vain. + (It's nasty, this living in vain!) + + For I'd rather be Martyred than Married, + I'd rather be tempted than tamed, + And if _I_ had my way + (At least, so I say) + All Babes would be labeled, "Unclaimed." + + I'm an epigrammatical Moses, + Whose humorous tablets of stone + Condemn affectations and poses-- + Excepting a few of my own. + (I dote on a few of my own.) + + For my method of booming the market + When Managers ask for a play + Is to say on a bluff, + "I'm so fond of my stuff + That I don't want it acted--go 'way!" + + I'm the club-ladies' Topic of Topics, + Where solemn discussions are spent + In struggles as hot as the tropics, + Attempting to find what I meant. + (_I_ never can tell what I meant!) + + For it's fun to make bosh of the Gospel, + And it's sport to make gospel of Bosh, + While divorcees hurrah + For the Sayings of Pshaw + And his sub-psychological Josh. + +[Footnote 2: From "At the Sign of the Dollar," by Wallace Irwin. +Copyright, 1905, by Fox, Duffield & Co.] + + + + +MY HONEY, MY LOVE + +BY JOEL CHANDLER HARRIS + + + Hit's a mighty fur ways up de Far'well Lane, + My honey, my love! + You may ax Mister Crow, you may ax Mr. Crane, + My honey, my love! + Dey'll make you a bow, en dey'll tell you de same, + My honey, my love! + Hit's a mighty fur ways fer ter go in de night, + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + Mister Mink, he creeps twel he wake up de snipe, + My honey, my love! + Mister Bull-Frog holler, Come alight my pipe! + My honey, my love! + En de Pa'tridge ax, Ain't yo' peas ripe? + My honey, my love! + Better not walk erlong dar much atter night, + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + De Bully-Bat fly mighty close ter de groun', + My honey, my love! + Mister Fox, he coax 'er, Do come down! + My honey, my love! + + Mister Coon, he rack all 'roun' en 'roun', + My honey, my love! + In de darkes' night, oh, de nigger, he's a sight! + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + Oh, flee, Miss Nancy, flee ter my knee, + My honey, my love! + 'Lev'n big, fat coons liv' in one tree, + My honey, my love! + Oh, ladies all, won't you marry me? + My honey, my love! + Tu'n lef, tu'n right, we'll dance all night, + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + De big Owl holler en cry fer his mate, + My honey, my love! + Oh, don't stay long! Oh, don't stay late! + My honey, my love! + Hit ain't so mighty fur ter de Good-by Gate, + My honey, my love! + Whar we all got ter go w'en we sing out de night, + My honey, my love! + _My honey, my love, my heart's delight-- + My honey, my love!_ + + + + +THE GRAND OPERA + +BY BILLY BAXTER + + +Well, I decided to get into my class, so I started for the smoking-room. +I hadn't gone three feet till some woman held me up and began telling me +how she adored Grand Opera. I didn't even reply. I fled madly, and +remained hidden in the tall grasses of the smoking-room until it was +time to go home. Jim, should any one ever tell you that Grand Opera is +all right, he is either trying to even up or he is not a true friend. I +was over in New York with the family last winter, and they made me go +with them to _Die Walkure_ at the Metropolitan Opera House. When I got +the tickets I asked the man's advice as to the best location. He said +that all true lovers of music occupied the dress-circle and balconies, +and that he had some good center dress-circle seats at three bones per. +Here's a tip, Jim. If the box man ever hands you that true-lover game, +just reach in through the little hole and soak him in the solar for me. +It's coming to him. I'll give you my word of honor we were a quarter of +a mile from the stage. We went up in an elevator, were shown to our +seats, and who was right behind us but my old pal, Bud Hathaway, from +Chicago. Bud had his two sisters with him, and he gave me one sad look, +which said plainer than words, "So you're up against it, too, eh!" We +introduced all hands around, and about nine o'clock the curtain went up. +After we had waited fully ten minutes, out came a big, fat, greasy +looking Dago with nothing on but a bear robe. He went over to the side +of the stage and sat down on a bum rock. It was plainly to be seen, even +from my true lovers' seat, that his bearlets was sorer than a dog about +something. Presently in came a woman, and none of the true lovers seemed +to know who she was. Some said it was Melba, others Nordica. Bud and I +decided that it was May Irwin. We were mistaken, though, as Irwin has +this woman lashed to the mast at any time or place. As soon as Mike the +Dago espied the dame it was all off. He rushed and drove a straight-arm +jab, which had it reached would have given him the purse. But shifty +Sadie wasn't there. She ducked, side-stepped, and landed a clever +half-arm hook, which seemed to stun the big fellow. They clinched, and +swayed back and forth, growling continually, while the orchestra played +this trembly Eliza-crossing-the-ice music. Jim, I'm not swelling this a +bit. On the level, it happened just as I write it. All of a sudden some +one seemed to win. They broke away, and ran wildly to the front of the +stage with their arms outstretched, yelling to beat three of a kind. The +band cut loose something fierce. The leader tore out about $9.00 worth +of hair, and acted generally as though he had bats in his belfry. I +thought sure the place would be pinched. It reminded me of Thirsty +Thornton's dance-hall out in Merrill, Wisconsin, when the Silent Swede +used to start a general survival of the fittest every time Mamie the +Mink danced twice in succession with the young fellow from Albany, whose +father owned the big mill up Rough River. Of course, this audience was +perfectly orderly, and showed no intention whatever of cutting in, and +there were no chairs or glasses in the air, but I am forced to admit +that the opera had Thornton's faded for noise. I asked Bud what the +trouble was, and he answered that I could search him. The audience +apparently went wild. Everybody said "Simply sublime!" "Isn't it grand?" +"Perfectly superb!" "Bravo!" etc.; not because they really enjoyed it, +but merely because they thought it was the proper thing to do. After +that for three solid hours Rough House Mike and Shifty Sadie seemed to +be apologizing to the audience for their disgraceful street brawl, which +was honestly the only good thing in the show. Along about twelve o'clock +I thought I would talk over old times with Bud, but when I turned his +way I found my tired and trusty comrade "Asleep at the Switch." + +At the finish, the woman next to me, who seemed to be on, said that the +main lady was dying. After it was too late, Mike seemed kind of sorry. +He must have give her the knife or the drops, because there wasn't a +minute that he could look in on her according to the rules. He laid her +out on the bum rock, they set off a lot of red fire for some unknown +reason, and the curtain dropped at 12:25. Never again for my money. Far +be it from me knocking, but any time I want noise I'll take to a +boiler-shop or a Union Station, where I can understand what's coming +off. I'm for a good-mother show. Do you remember _The White Slave_, Jim? +Well, that's me. Wasn't it immense where the main lady spurned the +leering villain's gold and exclaimed with flashing eye, "Rags are royal +raiment when worn for virtue's sake." Great! _The White Slave_ had _Die +Walkure_ beaten to a pulp, and they don't get to you for three cases +gate-money, either. + + + + +IN A STATE OF SIN[3] + +BY OWEN WISTER + + +Judge and Mrs. Henry, Molly Wood, and two strangers, a lady and a +gentleman, were the party which had been driving in the large +three-seated wagon. They had seemed a merry party. But as I came within +hearing of their talk, it was a fragment of the minister's sonority +which reached me first: + +"... more opportunity for them to have the benefit of hearing frequent +sermons," was the sentence I heard him bring to completion. + +"Yes, to be sure, sir." Judge Henry gave me (it almost seemed) +additional warmth of welcome for arriving to break up the present +discourse. "Let me introduce you to the Rev. Dr. Alexander MacBride. +Doctor, another guest we have been hoping for about this time," was my +host's cordial explanation to him of me. There remained the gentleman +with his wife from New York, and to these I made my final bows. But I +had not broken up the discourse. + +"We may be said to have met already." Dr. MacBride had fixed upon me his +full, mastering eye; and it occurred to me that if they had policemen in +heaven, he would be at least a centurion in the force. But he did not +mean to be unpleasant; it was only that in a mind full of matters less +worldly, pleasure was left out. "I observed your friend was a skilful +horseman," he continued. "I was saying to Judge Henry that I could wish +such skilful horsemen might ride to a church upon the Sabbath. A +church, that is, of right doctrine, where they would have opportunity to +hear frequent sermons." + +"Yes," said Judge Henry, "yes. It would be a good thing." + +Mrs. Henry, with some murmur about the kitchen, here went into the +house. + +"I was informed," Dr. MacBride held the rest of us, "before undertaking +my journey that I should find a desolate and mainly godless country. But +nobody gave me to understand that from Medicine Bow I was to drive three +hundred miles and pass no church of any faith." + +The Judge explained that there had been a few a long way to the right +and left of him. "Still," he conceded, "you are quite right. But don't +forget that this is the newest part of a new world." + +"Judge," said his wife, coming to the door, "how can you keep them +standing in the dust with your talking?" + +This most efficiently did break up the discourse. As our little party, +with the smiles and the polite holdings back of new acquaintanceship, +moved into the house, the Judge detained me behind all of them long +enough to whisper dolorously, "He's going to stay a whole week." + +I had hopes that he would not stay a whole week when I presently learned +of the crowded arrangements which our hosts, with many hospitable +apologies, disclosed to us. They were delighted to have us, but they +hadn't foreseen that we should all be simultaneous. The foreman's house +had been prepared for two of us, and did we mind? The two of us were Dr. +MacBride and myself; and I expected him to mind. But I wronged him +grossly. It would be much better, he assured Mrs. Henry, than straw in a +stable, which he had tried several times, and was quite ready for. So I +saw that though he kept his vigorous body clean when he could, he cared +nothing for it in the face of his mission. How the foreman and his wife +relished being turned out during a week for a missionary and myself was +not my concern, although while he and I made ready for supper over +there, it struck me as hard on them. The room with its two cots and +furniture was as nice as possible; and we closed the door upon the +adjoining room, which, however, seemed also untenanted. + +Mrs. Henry gave us a meal so good that I have remembered it, and her +husband, the Judge, strove his best that we should eat it in merriment. +He poured out his anecdotes like wine, and we should have quickly warmed +to them; but Dr. MacBride sat among us, giving occasional heavy ha-ha's, +which produced, as Miss Molly Wood whispered to me, a "dreadfully +cavernous effect." Was it his sermon, we wondered, that he was thinking +over? I told her of the copious sheaf of them I had seen him pull from +his wallet over at the foreman's. "Goodness!" said she. "Then are we to +hear one every evening?" This I doubted; he had probably been picking +one out suitable for the occasion. "Putting his best foot foremost," was +her comment; "I suppose they have best feet, like the rest of us." Then +she grew delightfully sharp. "Do you know, when I first heard him I +thought his voice was hearty. But if you listen, you'll find it's merely +militant. He never really meets you with it. He's off on his hill +watching the battle-field the whole time." + +"He will find a hardened pagan here." + +"Judge Henry?" + +"Oh, no! The wild man you're taming. He's brought you _Kenilworth_ safe +back." + +She was smooth. "Oh, as for taming him! But don't you find him +intelligent?" + +Suddenly I somehow knew that she didn't want to tame him. But what did +she want to do? The thought of her had made him blush this afternoon. No +thought of him made her blush this evening. + +A great laugh from the rest of the company made me aware that the Judge +had consummated his tale of the "Sole Survivor." + +"And so," he finished, "they all went off as mad as hops because it +hadn't been a massacre." Mr. and Mrs. Ogden--they were the New +Yorkers--gave this story much applause, and Dr. MacBride half a minute +later laid his "ha-ha," like a heavy stone, upon the gaiety. + +"I'll never be able to stand seven sermons," said Miss Wood to me. + + * * * * * + +"Do you often have these visitations?" Ogden inquired of Judge Henry. +Our host was giving us whisky in his office, and Dr. MacBride, while we +smoked apart from the ladies, had repaired to his quarters in the +foreman's house previous to the service which he was shortly to hold. + +The Judge laughed. "They come now and then through the year. I like the +bishop to come. And the men always like it. But I fear our friend will +scarcely please them so well." + +"You don't mean they'll--" + +"Oh, no. They'll keep quiet. The fact is, they have a good deal better +manners than he has, if he only knew it. They'll be able to bear him. +But as for any good he'll do--" + +"I doubt if he knows a word of science," said I, musing about the +Doctor. + +"Science! He doesn't know what Christianity is yet. I've entertained +many guests, but none--The whole secret," broke off Judge Henry, "lies +in the way you treat people. As soon as you treat men as your brothers, +they are ready to acknowledge you--if you deserve it--as their superior. +That's the whole bottom of Christianity, and that's what our missionary +will never know." + + * * * * * + +Thunder sat imminent upon the missionary's brow. Many were to be at his +mercy soon. But for us he had sunshine still. "I am truly sorry to be +turning you upside down," he said importantly. "But it seems the best +place for my service." He spoke of the table pushed back and the chairs +gathered in the hall, where the storm would presently break upon the +congregation. "Eight-thirty?" he inquired. + +This was the hour appointed, and it was only twenty minutes off. We +threw the unsmoked fractions of our cigars away, and returned to offer +our services to the ladies. This amused the ladies. They had done +without us. All was ready in the hall. + +"We got the cook to help us," Mrs. Ogden told me, "so as not to disturb +your cigars. In spite of the cow-boys, I still recognize my own +country." + +"In the cook?" I rather densely asked. + +"Oh, no! I don't have a Chinaman. It's in the length of after-dinner +cigars." + +"Had you been smoking," I returned, "you would have found them short +this evening." + +"You make it worse," said the lady; "we have had nothing but Dr. +MacBride." + +"We'll share him with you now," I exclaimed. + +"Has he announced his text? I've got one for him," said Molly Wood, +joining us. She stood on tiptoe and spoke it comically in our ears. "'I +said in my haste, All men are liars.'" This made us merry as we stood +among the chairs in the congested hall. + +I left the ladies, and sought the bunk house. I had heard the cheers, +but I was curious also to see the men, and how they were taking it. +There was but little for the eye. There was much noise in the room. They +were getting ready to come to church,--brushing their hair, shaving, and +making themselves clean, amid talk occasionally profane and continuously +diverting. + +"Well, I'm a Christian, anyway," one declared. + +"I'm a Mormon, I guess," said another. + +"I belong to the Knights of Pythias," said a third. + +"I'm a Mohammedist," said a fourth; "I hope I ain't goin' to hear +nothin' to shock me." + +What with my feelings at Scipio's discretion, and my human curiosity, I +was not in that mood which best profits from a sermon. Yet even though +my expectations had been cruelly left quivering in mid air, I was not +sure how much I really wanted to "keep around." You will therefore +understand how Dr. MacBride was able to make a prayer and to read +Scripture without my being conscious of a word that he had uttered. It +was when I saw him opening the manuscript of his sermon that I suddenly +remembered I was sitting, so to speak, in church, and began once more to +think of the preacher and his congregation. Our chairs were in the front +line, of course; but, being next the wall, I could easily see the +cow-boys behind me. They were perfectly decorous. If Mrs. Ogden had +looked for pistols, dare-devil attitudes, and so forth, she must have +been greatly disappointed. Except for their weather-beaten cheeks and +eyes, they were simply American young men with mustaches and without, +and might have been sitting, say, in Danbury, Connecticut. Even Trampas +merged quietly with the general placidity. The Virginian did not, to be +sure, look like Danbury, and his frame and his features showed out of +the mass; but his eyes were upon Dr. MacBride with a creamlike +propriety. + +Our missionary did not choose Miss Wood's text. He made his selection +from another of the Psalms; and when it came, I did not dare to look at +anybody; I was much nearer unseemly conduct than the cow-boys. Dr. +MacBride gave us his text sonorously, "'They are altogether become +filthy; There is none of them that doeth good, no, not one.'" His eye +showed us plainly that present company was not excepted from this. He +repeated the text once more, then, launching upon his discourse, gave +none of us a ray of hope. + +I had heard it all often before; but preached to cow-boys it took on a +new glare of untimeliness, of grotesque obsoleteness--as if some one +should say, "Let me persuade you to admire woman," and forthwith hold +out her bleached bones to you. The cow-boys were told that not only they +could do no good, but that if they did contrive to, it would not help +them. Nay, more: not only honest deeds availed them nothing, but even if +they accepted this especial creed which was being explained to them as +necessary for salvation, still it might not save them. Their sin was +indeed the cause of their damnation, yet, keeping from sin, they might +nevertheless be lost. It had all been settled for them not only before +they were born, but before Adam was shaped. Having told them this, he +invited them to glorify the Creator of the scheme. Even if damned, they +must praise the person who had made them expressly for damnation. That +is what I heard him prove by logic to these cow-boys. Stone upon stone +he built the black cellar of his theology, leaving out its beautiful +park and the sunshine of its garden. He did not tell them the splendor +of its past, the noble fortress for good that it had been, how its tonic +had strengthened generations of their fathers. No; wrath he spoke of, +and never once of love. It was the bishop's way, I knew well, to hold +cow-boys by homely talk of their special hardships and temptations. And +when they fell he spoke to them of forgiveness and brought them +encouragement. But Dr. MacBride never thought once of the lives of these +waifs. Like himself, like all mankind, they were invisible dots in +creation; like him, they were to feel as nothing, to be swept up in the +potent heat of his faith. So he thrust out to them none of the sweet but +all the bitter of his creed, naked and stern as iron. Dogma was his all +in all, and poor humanity was nothing but flesh for its canons. + +Thus to kill what chance he had for being of use seemed to me more +deplorable than it did evidently to them. Their attention merely +wandered. Three hundred years ago they would have been frightened; but +not in this electric day. I saw Scipio stifling a smile when it came to +the doctrine of original sin. "We know of its truth," said Dr. MacBride, +"from the severe troubles and distresses to which infants are liable, +and from death passing upon them before they are capable of sinning." +Yet I knew he was a good man; and I also knew that if a missionary is to +be tactless, he might almost as well be bad. + +I said their attention wandered, but I forgot the Virginian. At first +his attitude might have been mere propriety. One can look respectfully +at a preacher and be internally breaking all the commandments. But even +with the text I saw real attention light in the Virginian's eye. And +keeping track of the concentration that grew on him with each minute +made the sermon short for me. He missed nothing. Before the end his gaze +at the preacher had become swerveless. Was he convert or critic? Convert +was incredible. Thus was an hour passed before I had thought of time. + +When it was over we took it variously. The preacher was genial and spoke +of having now broken ground for the lessons that he hoped to instil. He +discoursed for a while about trout-fishing and about the rumored +uneasiness of the Indians northward where he was going. It was plain +that his personal safety never gave him a thought. He soon bade us good +night. The Ogdens shrugged their shoulders and were amused. That was +their way of taking it. Dr. MacBride sat too heavily on the Judge's +shoulders for him to shrug them. As a leading citizen in the Territory +he kept open house for all comers. Policy and good nature made him bid +welcome a wide variety of travelers. The cow-boy out of employment found +bed and a meal for himself and his horse, and missionaries had before +now been well received at Sunk Creek Ranch. + +"I suppose I'll have to take him fishing," said the Judge ruefully. + +"Yes, my dear," said his wife, "you will. And I shall have to make his +tea for six days." + +"Otherwise," Ogden suggested, "it might be reported that you were +enemies of religion." + +"That's about it," said the Judge. "I can get on with most people. But +elephants depress me." + +So we named the Doctor "Jumbo," and I departed to my quarters. + +At the bunk house, the comments were similar but more highly salted. The +men were going to bed. In spite of their outward decorum at the service, +they had not liked to be told that they were "altogether become filthy." +It was easy to call names; they could do that themselves. And they +appealed to me, several speaking at once, like a concerted piece at the +opera: "Say, do you believe babies go to hell?"--"Ah, of course he +don't."--"There ain't no hereafter, anyway."--"Ain't there?"--"Who told +y'u?"--"Same man as told the preacher we were all a sifted set of +sons-of-guns."--"Well, I'm going to stay a Mormon."--"Well, I'm going to +quit fleeing from temptation."--"That's so! Better get it in the neck +after a good time than a poor one." And so forth. Their wit was not +extreme, yet I should like Dr. MacBride to have heard it. One fellow put +his natural soul pretty well into words, "If I happened to learn what +they had predestinated me to do, I'd do the other thing, just to show +'em!" + +And Trampas? And the Virginian? They were out of it. The Virginian had +gone straight to his new abode. Trampas lay in his bed, not asleep, and +sullen as ever. + +"He ain't got religion this trip," said Scipio to me. + +"Did his new foreman get it?" I asked. + +"Huh! It would spoil him. You keep around, that's all. Keep around." + +Scipio was not to be probed; and I went, still baffled, to my repose. + +No light burned in the cabin as I approached its door. + +The Virginian's room was quiet and dark; and that Dr. MacBride slumbered +was plainly audible to me, even before I entered. Go fishing with him! I +thought, as I undressed. And I selfishly decided that the Judge might +have this privilege entirely to himself. Sleep came to me fairly soon, +in spite of the Doctor. I was wakened from it by my bed's being +jolted--not a pleasant thing that night. I must have started. And it was +the quiet voice of the Virginian that told me he was sorry to have +accidentally disturbed me. This disturbed me a good deal more. But his +steps did not go to the bunk house, as my sensational mind had +suggested. He was not wearing much, and in the dimness he seemed taller +than common. I next made out that he was bending over Dr. MacBride. The +divine at last sprang upright. + +"I am armed," he said. "Take care. Who are you?" + +"You can lay down your gun, seh. I feel like my spirit was going to bear +witness. I feel like I might get an enlightening." + +He was using some of the missionary's own language. The baffling I had +been treated to by Scipio melted to nothing in this. Did living men +petrify, I should have changed to mineral between the sheets. The Doctor +got out of bed, lighted his lamp, and found a book; and the two retired +into the Virginian's room, where I could hear the exhortations as I lay +amazed. In time the Doctor returned, blew out his lamp, and settled +himself. I had been very much awake, but was nearly gone to sleep again, +when the door creaked and the Virginian stood by the Doctor's side. + +"Are you awake, seh?" + +"What? What's that? What is it?" + +"Excuse me, seh. The enemy is winning on me. I'm feeling less inward +opposition to sin." + +The lamp was lighted, and I listened to some further exhortations. They +must have taken half an hour. When the Doctor was in bed again, I +thought that I heard him sigh. This upset my composure in the dark; but +I lay face downward in the pillow, and the Doctor was soon again +snoring. I envied him for a while his faculty of easy sleep. But I must +have dropped off myself; for it was the lamp in my eyes that now waked +me as he came back for the third time from the Virginian's room. Before +blowing the light out he looked at his watch, and thereupon I inquired +the hour of him. + +"Three," said he. + +I could not sleep any more now, and I lay watching the darkness. + +"I'm afeard to be alone!" said the Virginian's voice presently in the +next room. "I'm afeard." There was a short pause, and then he shouted +very loud, "I'm losin' my desire afteh the sincere milk of the Word!" + +"What? What's that? What?" The Doctor's cot gave a great crack as he +started up listening, and I put my face deep in the pillow. + +"I'm afeard! I'm afeard! Sin has quit being bitter in my belly." + +"Courage, my good man." The Doctor was out of bed with his lamp again, +and the door shut behind him. Between them they made it long this time. +I saw the window become gray; then the corners of the furniture grow +visible; and outside, the dry chorus of the blackbirds began to fill the +dawn. To these the sounds of chickens and impatient hoofs in the stable +were added, and some cow wandered by loudly calling for her calf. Next, +some one whistling passed near and grew distant. But although the cold +hue that I lay staring at through the window warmed and changed, the +Doctor continued working hard over his patient in the next room. Only a +word here and there was distinct; but it was plain from the Virginian's +fewer remarks that the sin in his belly was alarming him less. Yes, they +made this time long. But it proved, indeed, the last one. And though +some sort of catastrophe was bound to fall upon us, it was myself who +precipitated the thing that did happen. + +Day was wholly come. I looked at my own watch, and it was six. I had +been about seven hours in my bed, and the Doctor had been about seven +hours out of his. The door opened, and he came in with his book and +lamp. He seemed to be shivering a little, and I saw him cast a longing +eye at his couch. But the Virginian followed him even as he blew out the +now quite superfluous light. They made a noticeable couple in their +underclothes; the Virginian with his lean racehorse shanks running to a +point at his ankle, and the Doctor with his stomach and his fat +sedentary calves. + +"You'll be going to breakfast and the ladies, seh, pretty soon," said +the Virginian, with a chastened voice. "But I'll worry through the day +somehow without y'u. And to-night you can turn your wolf loose on me +again." + +Once more it was no use. My face was deep in the pillow, but I made +sounds as of a hen who has laid an egg. It broke on the Doctor with a +total instantaneous smash, quite like an egg. + +He tried to speak calmly. "This is a disgrace. An infamous disgrace. +Never in my life have I--" Words forsook him, and his face grew redder. +"Never in my life--" He stopped again, because, at the sight of him +being dignified in his red drawers, I was making the noise of a dozen +hens. It was suddenly too much for the Virginian. He hastened into his +room, and there sank on the floor with his head in his hands. The Doctor +immediately slammed the door upon him, and this rendered me easily fit +for a lunatic asylum. I cried into my pillow, and wondered if the Doctor +would come and kill me. But he took no notice of me whatever. I could +hear the Virginian's convulsions through the door, and also the Doctor +furiously making his toilet within three feet of my head; and I lay +quite still with my face the other way, for I was really afraid to look +at him. When I heard him walk to the door in his boots, I ventured to +peep; and there he was, going out with his bag in his hand. As I still +continued to lie, weak and sore, and with a mind that had ceased all +operation, the Virginian's door opened. He was clean and dressed and +decent, but the devil still sported in his eye. I have never seen a +creature more irresistibly handsome. + +Then my mind worked again. "You've gone and done it," said I. "He's +packed his valise. He'll not sleep here." + +The Virginian looked quickly out of the door. "Why, he's leavin' us!" he +exclaimed. "Drivin' away right now in his little old buggy!" He turned +to me, and our eyes met solemnly over this large fact. I thought that I +perceived the faintest tincture of dismay in the features of Judge +Henry's new, responsible, trusty foreman. This was the first act of his +administration. Once again he looked out at the departing missionary. +"Well," he vindictively stated, "I cert'nly ain't goin' to run afteh +him." And he looked at me again. + +"Do you suppose the Judge knows?" I inquired. + +He shook his head. "The windo' shades is all down still oveh yondeh." He +paused. "I don't care," he stated, quite as if he had been ten years +old. Then he grinned guiltily. "I was mighty respectful to him all +night." + +"Oh, yes, respectful! Especially when you invited him to turn his wolf +loose." + +The Virginian gave a joyous gulp. He now came and sat down on the edge +of my bed. "I spoke awful good English to him most of the time," said +he. "I can, y'u know, when I cinch my attention tight on to it. Yes, I +cert'nly spoke a lot o' good English. I didn't understand some of it +myself!" + +He was now growing frankly pleased with his exploit. He had builded so +much better than he knew. He got up and looked out across the crystal +world of light. "The Doctor is at one-mile crossing," he said. "He'll +get breakfast at the N-lazy-Y." Then he returned and sat again on my +bed, and began to give me his real heart. "I never set up for being +better than others. Not even to myself. My thoughts ain't apt to travel +around making comparisons. And I shouldn't wonder if my memory took as +much notice of the meannesses I have done as of--as of the other +actions. But to have to sit like a dumb lamb and let a stranger tell y'u +for an hour that yu're a hawg and a swine, just after you have acted in +a way which them that know the facts would call pretty near white--" + +[Footnote 3: Reprinted from Mr. Owen Wister's "The Virginian." +Copyright, 1902-1904, by The Macmillan Company.] + + + + +AN APRIL ARIA + +BY R.K. MUNKITTRICK + + + Now, in the shimmer and sheen that dance on the leaf of the lily, + Causing the bud to explode, and gilding the poodle's chinchilla, + Gladys cavorts with the rake, and hitches the string to the lattice, + While with the trowel she digs, and gladdens the heart of the shanghai. + + Now, while the vine twists about the ribs of the cast-iron Pallas, + And, on the zephyr afloat, the halcyon soul of the borax + Blends with the scent of the soap, the brush of the white-washer's + flying + E'en as the chicken-hawk flies when ready to light on its quarry. + + Out in the leaf-dappled wood the dainty hepatica's blowing, + While the fiend hammers the rug from Ispahan, Lynn, or Woonsocket, + And the grim furnace is out, and over the ash heap and bottles + Capers the "Billy" in glee, becanning his innermost Billy. + + Now the blue pill is on tap, and likewise the sarsaparilla, + And on the fence and the barn, quite worthy of S. Botticelli, + Frisk the lithe leopard and gnu, in malachite, purple, and crimson, + That we may know at a glance the circus is out on the rampage. + + Put then the flannels away and trot out the old linen duster, + Pack the bob-sled in the barn, and bring forth the baseball and racket, + For the spry Spring is on deck, performing her roseate breakdown + Unto the tune of the van that rattles and bangs on the cobbles. + + + + +MEDITATIONS OF A MARINER[4] + +BY WALLACE IRWIN + + + A-watchin' how the sea behaves + For hours and hours I sit; + And I know the sea is full o' waves-- + I've often noticed it. + + For on the deck each starry night + The wild waves and the tame + I counts and knows 'em all by sight + And some of 'em by name. + + And then I thinks a cove like me + Ain't got no right to roam; + For I'm homesick when I puts to sea + And seasick when I'm home. + +[Footnote 4: From "Nautical Lays of a Landsman," by Wallace Irwin. +Copyright, 1904, by Dodd, Mead & Co.] + + + + +VICTORY[5] + +BY TOM MASSON + + + I turned to the dictionary + For a word I couldn't spell, + And closed the book when I found it + And dipped my pen in the well. + + Then I thought to myself, "How was it?" + With a sense of inward pain, + And still 'twas a little doubtful, + So I turned to the book again. + + This time I remarked, "How easy!" + As I muttered each letter o'er, + But when I got to the inkwell + 'Twas gone, as it went before. + + Then I grabbed that dictionary + And I sped its pages through, + And under my nose I put it + With that doubtful word in view. + + I held it down with my body + While I gripped that pen quite fast, + And I howled, as I traced each letter: + "I've got you now, _at last_!" + +[Footnote 5: Lippincott's Magazine.] + + + + +THE FAMILY HORSE + +BY FREDERICK S. COZZENS + + +I have bought me a horse. As I had obtained some skill in the _manege_ +during my younger days, it was a matter of consideration to have a +saddle-horse. It surprised me to find good saddle-horses very abundant +soon after my consultation with the stage proprietor upon this topic. +There were strange saddle-horses to sell almost every day. One man was +very candid about his horse: he told me, if his horse had a blemish, he +wouldn't wait to be asked about it; he would tell it right out; and, if +a man didn't want him then, he needn't take him. He also proposed to put +him on trial for sixty days, giving his note for the amount paid him for +the horse, to be taken up in case the animal were returned. I asked him +what were the principal defects of the horse. He said he'd been fired +once, because they thought he was spavined; but there was no more spavin +to him than there was to a fresh-laid egg--he was as sound as a dollar. +I asked him if he would just state what were the defects of the horse. +He answered, that he once had the pink-eye, and added, "now that's +honest." I thought so, but proceeded to question him closely. I asked +him if he had the bots. He said, not a bot. I asked him if he would go. +He said he would go till he dropped down dead; just touch him with a +whip, and he'll jump out of his hide. I inquired how old he was. He +answered, just eight years, exactly--some men, he said, wanted to make +their horses younger than they be; he was willing to speak right out, +and own up he was eight years. I asked him if there were any other +objections. He said no, except that he was inclined to be a little gay; +"but," he added, "he is so kind, a child can drive him with a thread." I +asked him if he was a good family horse. He replied that no lady that +ever drew rein over him would be willing to part with him. Then I asked +him his price. He answered that no man could have bought him for one +hundred dollars a month ago, but now he was willing to sell him for +seventy-five, on account of having a note to pay. This seemed such a +very low price, I was about saying I would take him, when Mrs. +Sparrowgrass whispered that I had better _see the horse first_. I +confess I was a little afraid of losing my bargain by it, but, out of +deference to Mrs. S., I did ask to see the horse before I bought him. He +said he would fetch him down. "No man," he added, "ought to buy a horse +unless he's saw him." When the horse came down, it struck me that, +whatever his qualities might be, his personal appearance was against +him. One of his fore legs was shaped like the handle of our punch-ladle, +and the remaining three legs, about the fetlock, were slightly bunchy. +Besides, he had no tail to brag of; and his back had a very hollow sweep +from his high haunches to his low shoulder-blades. I was much pleased, +however, with the fondness and pride manifested by his owner, as he held +up, by both sides of the bridle, the rather longish head of his horse, +surmounting a neck shaped like a pea-pod, and said, in a sort of +triumphant voice, "three-quarters blood!" Mrs. Sparrowgrass flushed up a +little when she asked me if I intended to purchase _that_ horse, and +added, that, if I did, she would never want to ride. So I told the man +he would not suit me. He answered by suddenly throwing himself upon his +stomach across the backbone of his horse, and then, by turning round as +on a pivot, got up a-straddle of him; then he gave his horse a kick in +the ribs that caused him to jump out with all his legs, like a frog, and +then off went the spoon-legged animal with a gait that was not a trot, +nor yet precisely pacing. He rode around our grass plot twice, and then +pulled his horse's head up like the cock of a musket. "That," said he, +"is _time_." I replied that he did seem to go pretty fast. "Pretty +fast!" said his owner. "Well, do you know Mr. ----?" mentioning one of +the richest men in our village. I replied that I was acquainted with +him. "Well," said he, "you know his horse?" I replied that I had no +personal acquaintance with him. "Well," said he, "he's the fastest horse +in the county--jist so--I'm willin' to admit it. But do you know I +offered to put my horse agin' his to trot? I had no money to put up, or +rayther, to spare; but I offered to trot him, horse agin' horse, and the +winner to take both horses, and I tell you--_he wouldn't do it!_" + +Mrs. Sparrowgrass got a little nervous, and twitched me by the skirt of +the coat "Dear," said she, "let him go." I assured her that I would not +buy the horse, and told the man firmly I would not buy him. He said, +very well--if he didn't suit 'twas no use to keep a-talkin': but he +added, he'd be down agin' with another horse, next morning, that +belonged to his brother; and if he didn't suit me, then I didn't want a +horse. With this remark he rode off.... + +"It rains very hard," said Mrs. Sparrowgrass, looking out of the window +next morning. Sure enough, the rain was sweeping broadcast over the +country, and the four Sparrowgrassii were flattening a quartet of noses +against the window-panes, believing most faithfully the man would bring +the horse that belonged to his brother, in spite of the elements. It was +hoping against hope; no man having a horse to sell will trot him out in +a rainstorm, unless he intend to sell him at a bargain--but childhood is +so credulous! The succeeding morning was bright, however, and down came +the horse. He had been very cleverly groomed, and looked pleasant under +the saddle. The man led him back and forth before the door. "There, +'squire, 's as good a hos as ever stood on iron." Mrs. Sparrowgrass +asked me what he meant by that. I replied, it was a figurative way of +expressing, in horse-talk, that he was as good a horse as ever stood in +shoe-leather. "He's a handsome hos, 'squire," said the man. I replied +that he did seem to be a good-looking animal; but, said I, "he does not +quite come up to the description of a horse I have read." "Whose hos was +it?" said he. I replied it was the horse of Adonis. He said he didn't +know him; but, he added, "there is so many hosses stolen, that the +descriptions are stuck up now pretty common." To put him at his ease +(for he seemed to think I suspected him of having stolen the horse), I +told him the description I meant had been written some hundreds of years +ago by Shakespeare, and repeated it: + + "Round-hooft, short-joynted, fetlocks shag and long, + Broad breast, full eyes, small head, and nostrils wide, + High crest, short ears, straight legs, and passing strong, + Thin mane, thick tail, broad buttock, tender hide." + +"'Squire," said he, "that will do for a song, but it ain't no p'ints of +a good hos. Trotters nowadays go in all shapes, big heads and little +heads, big eyes and little eyes, short ears or long ears, thick tail and +no tail; so as they have sound legs, good l'in, good barrel, and good +stifle, and wind, 'squire, and speed well, they'll fetch a price. Now, +this animal is what I call a hos, 'squire; he's got the p'ints, he's +stylish, he's close-ribbed, a free goer, kind in harness--single or +double--a good feeder." I asked him if being a good feeder was a +desirable quality. He replied it was; "of course," said he, "if your hos +is off his feed, he ain't good for nothin'. But what's the use," he +added, "of me tellin' you the p'ints of a good hos? You're a hos man, +'squire: you know--" "It seems to me," said I, "there is something the +matter with that left eye." "No, _sir_" said he, and with that he pulled +down the horse's head, and, rapidly crooking his forefinger at the +suspected organ, said, "see thar--don't wink a bit." "But he should +wink," I replied. "Not onless his eye are weak," he said. To satisfy +myself, I asked the man to let me take the bridle. He did so, and as +soon as I took hold of it, the horse started off in a remarkable +retrograde movement, dragging me with him into my best bed of hybrid +roses. Finding we were trampling down all the best plants, that had cost +at auction from three-and-sixpence to seven shillings apiece, and that +the more I pulled, the more he backed, I finally let him have his own +way, and jammed him stern-foremost into our largest climbing rose that +had been all summer prickling itself, in order to look as much like a +vegetable porcupine as possible. This unexpected bit of satire in his +rear changed his retrograde movement to a sidelong bound, by which he +flirted off half the pots on the balusters, upsetting my gladioluses and +tuberoses in the pod, and leaving great splashes of mould, geraniums, +and red pottery in the gravel walk. By this time his owner had managed +to give him two pretty severe cuts with the whip, which made him +unmanageable, so I let him go. We had a pleasant time catching him +again, when he got among the Lima-bean poles; but his owner led him back +with a very self-satisfied expression. "Playful, ain't he, 'squire?" I +replied that I thought he was, and asked him if it was usual for his +horse to play such pranks. He said it was not "You see, 'squire, he +feels his oats, and hain't been out of the stable for a month. Use him, +and he's as kind as a kitten." With that he put his foot in the stirrup, +and mounted. The animal really looked very well as he moved around the +grass-plot, and, as Mrs. Sparrowgrass seemed to fancy him, I took a +written guarantee that he was sound, and bought him. What I gave for him +is a secret; I have not even told Mrs. Sparrowgrass.... + +We had passed Chicken Island, and the famous house with the stone gable +and the one stone chimney, in which General Washington slept, as he made +it a point to sleep in every old stone house in Westchester County, and +had gone pretty far on the road, past the cemetery, when Mrs. +Sparrowgrass said suddenly, "Dear, what is the matter with your horse?" +As I had been telling the children all the stories about the river on +the way, I managed to get my head pretty well inside of the carriage, +and, at the time she spoke, was keeping a lookout in front with my back. +The remark of Mrs. Sparrowgrass induced me to turn about, and I found +the new horse behaving in a most unaccountable manner. He was going down +hill with his nose almost to the ground, running the wagon first on this +side and then on the other. I thought of the remark made by the man, and +turning again to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, said, "Playful, isn't he?" The next +moment I heard something breaking away in front, and then the rockaway +gave a lurch and stood still. Upon examination I found the new horse had +tumbled down, broken one shaft, gotten the other through the check-rein +so as to bring his head up with a round turn, and besides had managed +to put one of the traces in a single hitch around his off hind leg. So +soon as I had taken all the young ones and Mrs. Sparrowgrass out of the +rockaway, I set to work to liberate the horse, who was choking very fast +with the check-rein. It is unpleasant to get your fishing-line in a +tangle when you are in a hurry for bites, but I never saw fishing-line +in such a tangle as that harness. However, I set to work with a +pen-knife, and cut him out in such a way as to make getting home by our +conveyance impossible. When he got up, he was the sleepiest-looking +horse I ever saw. "Mrs. Sparrowgrass," said I, "won't you stay here with +the children until I go to the nearest farm-house?" Mrs. Sparrowgrass +replied that she would. Then I took the horse with me to get him out of +the way of the children, and went in search of assistance. The first +thing the new horse did when he got about a quarter of a mile from the +scene of the accident was to tumble down a bank. Fortunately the bank +was not over four feet high, but as I went with him, my trousers were +rent in a grievous place. While I was getting the new horse on his feet +again, I saw a colored person approaching, who came to my assistance. +The first thing he did was to pull out a large jack-knife, and the next +thing he did was to open the new horse's mouth and run the blade two or +three times inside the new horse's gums. Then the new horse commenced +bleeding. "Dah, sah," said the man, shutting up his jack-knife, "ef 't +hadn't been for dat yer, your hos would a' bin a goner." "What was the +matter with him?" said I. "Oh, he's only jis got de blind-staggers, das +all. Say," said he, before I was half indignant enough at the man who +had sold me such an animal, "say, ain't your name Sparrowgrass?" I +replied that my name was Sparrowgrass. "Oh," said he, "I knows you, I +brung some fowls once down to you place. I heerd about you and your hos. +Dats de hos dats got de heaves so bad, heh! heh! You better sell dat +hoss." I determined to take his advice, and employed him to lead my +purchase to the nearest place where he would be cared for. Then I went +back to the rockaway, but met Mrs. Sparrowgrass and the children on the +road coming to meet me. She had left a man in charge of the rockaway. +When we got to the rockaway we found the man missing, also the whip and +one cushion. We got another person to take charge of the rockaway, and +had a pleasant walk home by moonlight. I think a moonlight night +delicious, upon the Hudson. + +Does any person want a horse at a low price? A good stylish-looking +animal, close-ribbed, good loin, and good stifle, sound legs, with only +the heaves and blind-staggers, and a slight defect in one of his eyes? +If at any time he slips his bridle and gets away, you can always +approach him by getting on his left side. I will also engage to give a +written guarantee that he is sound and kind, signed by the brother of +his former owner. + + + + +SONNET OF THE LOVABLE LASS AND THE PLETHORIC DAD[6] + +BY J.W. FOLEY + + + Shee sez shee neavur neavur luvd befoar + shee saw me passen bi hur paws frunt dore + wenn shee wuz hangen on the gait ann i + Lookt foolish att hur wenn ime goen bi. + Uv korse sheed hadd sum boze butt nun thatt sturd + hur hart down too itts deppths until shee hurd + me wissel ann shee saw mi fais. Ann wenn + shee furst saw mee sheed neavur luv agen + shee sedd shee noo. ann iff i shunnd hur eye + sheed be a nunn ann bidd thee wurld good bi. + + How swete itt is wenn munnys on thee throan + uv life to bee luvd fore ureself aloan + Ann no thatt u have gott thee powr to stur + a woomans hart wenn u jusst look att hur. + ann o itts sweeter still iff u kan no + hur paw has gott jusst oshuns uv thee doe + Ann u jusst hav to furnish luv ann hee + wil furnish munny fore boath u ann shee. + i wood nott kair iff shee wuz poor butt o + itts dubley swete too no sheez gott thee doe: + + i wood nott hezzetait iff shee wuz poor + Too marrie hur. togeathur weed endoor + wottever forchun sennt with rite good will + butt sins sheeze rich itts awl thee bettur stil. + ide luv hur in a cottidge jusst thee saim + fore luv is such a holey sakerud flaim + thatt burns like tindur wenn u strike a lite + butt still itt burns moar gloarious ann brite + wenn shee has lotts uv munny ann hur paw + with menny thowsunds is ure fawthernlaw. + +[Footnote 6: By permission of Life Publishing Company.] + + + + +THE LOVE SONNETS OF A HUSBAND + +BY MAURICE SMILEY + + +I LOVE YOU STILL + + You ask me if I love you still, tho' you + And I were wed scarce one short happy year + Agone. How well do I remember, dear, + The day you put your hand in mine, and through + Life's good and ill, tho' skies were gray or blue, + We plighted faith that should not know a fear. + That was the day I kissed away the tear + That trembled on your cheek like morning dew. + Of course I love you--still. You're at your best, + Your perihelion, when you're silentest. + I'd love you as I did, dear heart, of yore, + And still a little more, nor ever tire: + Why, I would love you like a house afire + If you were only still a little more. + + +SOUL TO SOUL + + I think I loved you first when in your eyes + I saw the glad, rapt answer to the spell + Of Paderewski, when we heard him tell + Life's gentler meaning, Love's sweet sacrifice. + The master caught the rhythm of your sighs + And then, inspired, the story rose and fell + And sang of moonlight in a leafy dell, + Of souls' Arcadias and dreaming skies, + Of hearts and hopes and purposes that blend. + Your bosom heaved beneath the witcheries + That seemed to set a halo on his brow, + And then the message sobbed on to its end. + "That's fine," you murmured, chewing faster; "please + Ask him if he won't play 'Bedelia' now." + + +YOU SAID THAT YOU WOULD DIE FOR ME + + You said that you would die for me, if e'er + That price would buy me happiness. I dreamed + Not of devotion like to that, that seemed + To joy in sacrifice; that, tenderer + Than selfish Life's small immolations were, + Made Love an altar whereupon it deemed + It naught to offer all; a shrine that gleamed + With utter loyalty's red drops. I ne'er + Believed that you were just quite in your head + In saying death would prove Fidelity. + But when I saw the packages of white and red + Your druggist showed me--he's my chum, you see-- + I knew you meant, dear heart, just what you said, + When you declared that you would dye for me. + + +I CAN NOT BEAR YOUR SIGHS + + Your smiles, dear one, have all the glad surprise + The sunshine hath for roses; what the day + Brings to the waiting lark. When you are gay + My spirit sings in tune, and sorrow flies + Away. But, dear, I can not bear your sighs + When on my knees you nestle and you lay + Your tear-wet face upon my shoulder. Nay, + I can not help the pain that fills mine eyes. + So, love, whatever cup of Life you drain + I'll stand for. Send the cashier's check to me. + "Smile" all you want to; smile and smile again. + But as you weigh two hundred pounds, you see + Why, when you cuddle down upon my knee, + It is your size, dear heart, that gives me pain. + + +A HAND I HELD + + The heartless years have many hopes dispelled. + But they have left me one dear night in June. + They've left the still white splendor of the moon. + They've left the mem'ry of a hand I held, + While up thro' all my soul the rapture welled + Of victory. I hear again the croon + Of twilight time, the lullaby that soon + To all the day's glad music shall have swelled. + I hold a hand I never held before, + A hand like which I'll never hold some more. + It was the first time I had ever "called." + 'Twas at the club, as we began to leave. + I held five aces, but the dealer balled + The ones that he had planted up his sleeve. + + +YOUR CHEEK + + To feel your hands stray shyly to my head + And flutter down like birds that find their nest, + To see the gentle rise and fall of your dear breast, + To hear again some tender word you said, + To watch the little feet whose dainty tread + Fell light as flowers upon the way they pressed, + To touch again the lips I have caressed-- + All these are precious. But your cheek of red + Outlives the mem'ry of all other things. + I'd known you scarce a month, or maybe two; + I had not yet made up my mind to speak, + You trots out Tifny's catalogue of rings; + Says No. 6 (200 yen) will do. + So I remember best of all your cheek. + + +WITH ALL YOUR FAULTS + + You would not stop this side the farthest line + Of Truth, you said, nor hide one little falsity + From my sweet faith that was too kind to see. + You said a keener vision would divine + All failings later, bare each hid design, + Each poor disguise of loving's treachery + That screened its weaknesses from even me. + How oft you said those cherry lips were mine + Alone. The cherries came in little jars, + I learned. Those auburn locks, I found with pain, + Cost forty plunks, according to the bill + I saw. Those pearly teeth were porcelain. + But I forgive you for each fault that mars. + With all your faults, dear heart, I love you still. + + + + +HOW WE BOUGHT A SEWIN' MACHINE AND ORGAN + +BY JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE + + +We done dretful well last year. The crops come in first-rate, and Josiah +had five or six heads of cattle to turn off at a big price. He felt +well, and he proposed to me that I should have a sewin' machine. That +man,--though he don't coo at me so frequent as he probable would if he +had more encouragement in it, is attached to me with a devotedness that +is firm and almost cast-iron, and says he, almost tenderly: "Samantha, I +will get you a sewin' machine." + +Says I, "Josiah, I have got a couple of sewin' machines by me that have +run pretty well for upwards of--well it haint necessary to go into +particulars, but they have run for considerable of a spell anyway"--says +I, "I can git along without another one, though no doubt it would be +handy to have round." + +But Josiah hung onto that machine. And then he up and said he was goin' +to buy a organ. Thomas Jefferson wanted one too. They both seemed sot +onto that organ. Tirzah Ann took hern with her of course when she was +married, and Josiah said it seemed so awful lonesome without any Tirzah +Ann or any music, that it seemed almost as if two girls had married out +of the family instead of one. He said money couldn't buy us another +Tirzah Ann, but it would buy us a new organ, and he was determined to +have one. He said it would be so handy for her to play on when she came +home, and for other company. And then Thomas J. can play quite well; he +can play any tune, almost, with one hand, and he sings first-rate, too. +He and Tirzah Ann used to sing together a sight; he sings bearatone, and +she sulfireno--that is what they call it. They git up so many +new-fangled names nowadays, that I think it is most a wonder that I +don't make a slip once in a while and git things wrong. I should, if I +hadn't got a mind like a ox for strength. + +But as I said, Josiah was fairly sot on that machine and organ, and I +thought I'd let him have his way. So it got out that we was goin' to buy +a sewin' machine, and a organ. Well, we made up our minds on Friday, +pretty late in the afternoon, and on Monday forenoon I was a washin', +when I heard a knock at the front door, and I wrung my hands out of the +water and went and opened it. A slick lookin' feller stood there, and I +invited him in and sot him a chair. + +"I hear you are talkin' about buyin' a musical instrument," says he. + +"No," says I, "we are goin' to buy a organ." + +"Well," says he, "I want to advise you, not that I have any interest in +it at all, only I don't want to see you so imposed upon. It fairly makes +me mad to see a Methodist imposed upon; I lean towards that perswasion +myself. Organs are liable to fall to pieces any minute. There haint no +dependence on 'em at all, the insides of 'em are liable to break out at +any time. If you have any regard for your own welfare and safety, you +will buy a piano. Not that I have any interest in advising you, only my +devotion to the cause of Right; pianos never wear out." + +"Where should we git one?" says I, for I didn't want Josiah to throw +away his property. + +"Well," says he, "as it happens, I guess I have got one out here in the +wagon. I believe I threw one into the bottom of the wagon this mornin', +as I was a comin' down by here on business. I am glad now I did, for it +always makes me feel ugly to see a Methodist imposed upon." + +Josiah came into the house in a few minutes, and I told him about it, +and says I: + +"How lucky it is Josiah, that we found out about organs before it was +too late." + +But Josiah asked the price, and said he wasn't goin' to pay out no three +hundred dollars, for he wasn't able. But the man asked if we was willin' +to have it brought into the house for a spell--we could do as we was a +mind to about buyin' it; and of course we couldn't refuse, so Josiah +most broke his back a liftin' it in, and they set it up in the parlor, +and after dinner the man went away. + +Josiah bathed his back with linement, for he had strained it bad a +liftin' that piano, and I had jest got back to my washin' again (I had +had to put it away to git dinner) when I heerd a knockin' again to the +front door, and I pulled down my dress sleeves and went and opened it, +and there stood a tall, slim feller; and the kitchen bein' all cluttered +up I opened the parlor door and asked him in there, and the minute he +catched sight of that piano, he jest lifted up both hands, and says he: + +"You haint got one of them here!" + +He looked so horrified that it skairt me, and says I in almost tremblin' +tones: + +"What is the matter with 'em?" And I added in a cheerful tone, "we haint +bought it." + +He looked more cheerful too as I said it, and says he "You may be +thankful enough that you haint. There haint no music in 'em at all; hear +that," says he, goin' up and strikin' the very top note. It did sound +flat enough. + +Says I, "There must be more music in it than that, though I haint no +judge at all." + +"Well, hear that, then," and he went and struck the very bottom note. +"You see just what it is, from top to bottom. But it haint its total +lack of music that makes me despise pianos so, it is because they are so +dangerous." + +"Dangerous?" says I. + +"Yes, in thunder storms, you see;" says he, liftin' up the cover, "here +it is all wire, enough for fifty lightnin' rods--draw the lightnin' +right into the room. Awful dangerous! No money would tempt me to have +one in my house with my wife and daughter. I shouldn't sleep a wink +thinkin' I had exposed 'em to such danger." + +"Good land!" says I, "I never thought on it before." + +"Well, now you _have_ thought of it, you see plainly that a organ is +jest what you need. They are full of music, safe, healthy and don't cost +half so much." + +Says I, "A organ was what we had sot our minds on at first." + +"Well, I have got one out here, and I will bring it in." + +"What is the price?" says I. + +"One hundred and ninety dollars," says he. + +"There won't be no need of bringin' it in at that price," says I, "for I +have heerd Josiah say, that he wouldn't give a cent over a hundred +dollars." + +"Well," says the feller, "I'll tell you what I'll do. Your countenance +looks so kinder natural to me, and I like the looks of the country round +here so well, that if your mind is made up on the price you want to pay, +I won't let a trifle of ninety dollars part us. You can have it for one +hundred." + +Well, the end on't was, he brung it in and sot it up the other end of +the parlor, and drove off. And when Josiah come in from his work, and +Thomas J. come home from Jonesville, they liked it first rate. + +But the very next day, a new agent come, and he looked awful skairt when +he katched sight of that organ, and real mad and indignant too. + +"That villain haint been a tryin' to get one of them organs off onto +you, has he?" says he. + +"What is the trouble with 'em?" says I, in a awestruck tone, for he +looked bad. + +"Why," says he, "there is a heavy mortgage on every one of his organs. +If you bought one of him, and paid for it, it would be liable to be took +away from you any minute when you was right in the middle of a tune, +leavin' you a settin' on the stool; and you would lose every cent of +your money." + +"Good gracious!" says I, for it skairt me to think what a narrow chance +we had run. Well, finally, he brung in one of hisen, and sot it up in +the kitchen, the parlor bein' full on 'em. + +And the fellers kep' a comin' and a goin' at all hours. For a spell, at +first, Josiah would come in and talk with 'em, but after a while he got +tired out, and when he would see one a comin' he would start on a run +for the barn, and hide, and I would have to stand the brunt of it alone. +One feller see Josiah a runnin' for the barn, and he follered him in, +and Josiah dove under the barn, as I found out afterwards. I happened to +see him a crawlin' out after the feller drove off. Josiah come in a +shakin' himself--for he was all covered with straw and feathers--and +says he: + +"Samantha there has got to be a change." + +"How is there goin' to be a change?" says I. + +"I'll tell you," says he, in a whisper--for fear some on 'em was +prowlin' round the house yet--"we will git up before light to-morrow +mornin', and go to Jonesville and buy a organ right out." + +I fell in with the idee, and we started for Jonesville the next mornin'. +We got there jest after the break of day, and bought it of the man to +the breakfast table. Says Josiah to me afterwards, as we was goin' down +into the village: + +"Let's keep dark about buyin' one, and see how many of the creeters will +be a besettin' on us to-day." + +So we kep' still, and there was half a dozen fellers follerin' us round +all the time a most, into stores and groceries and the manty makers, and +they would stop us on the sidewalk and argue with us about their organs +and pianos. One feller, a tall slim chap, never let Josiah out of his +sight a minute; and he follered him when he went after his horse, and +walked by the side of the wagon clear down to the store where I was, a +arguin' all the way about his piano. Josiah had bought a number of +things and left 'em to the store, and when we got there, there stood the +organ man by the side of the things, jest like a watch dog. He knew +Josiah would come and git 'em, and he could git the last word with him. + +Amongst other things, Josiah had bought a barrel of salt, and the piano +feller that had stuck to Josiah so tight that day, offered to help him +on with it. And the organ man--not goin' to be outdone by the other--he +offered too. Josiah kinder winked to me, and then he held the old mare, +and let 'em lift. They wasn't used to such kind of work, and it fell +back on 'em once or twice, and most squashed 'em; but they nipped to, +and lifted again, and finally got it on; but they was completely +tuckered out. + +And then Josiah got in, and thanked 'em for the liftin'; and the organ +man, a wipin' the sweat offen his face--that had started out in his hard +labor--said he should be down to-morrow mornin'; and the piano man, a +pantin' for breath, told Josiah not to make up his mind till _he_ came; +he should be down that night if he got rested enough. + +And then Josiah told 'em that he should be glad to see 'em down a +visitin' any time, but he had jest bought a organ. + +I don't know but what they would have laid holt of Josiah, if they +hadn't been so tuckered out; but as it was, they was too beat out to +look anything but sneakin'; and so we drove off. + +The manty maker had told me that day, that there was two or three new +agents with new kinds of sewin' machines jest come to Jonesville, and I +was tellin' Josiah on it, when we met a middle-aged man, and he looked +at us pretty close, and finally he asked us as he passed by, if we could +tell him where Josiah Allen lived. + +Says Josiah, "I'm livin' at present in a Democrat." + +Says I, "In this one-horse wagon, you know." + +Says he, "You are thinkin' of buyin' a sewin' machine, haint you?" + +Says Josiah, "I am a turnin' my mind that way." + +At that, the man turned his horse round, and follered us, and I see he +had a sewin' machine in front of his wagon. We had the old mare and the +colt, and seein' a strange horse come up so close behind us, the colt +started off full run towards Jonesville, and then run down a cross-road +and into a lot. + +Says the man behind us, "I am a little younger than you be, Mr. Allen; +if you will hold my horse I will go after the colt with pleasure." + +Josiah was glad enough, and so he got into the feller's wagon; but +before he started off, the man, says he: + +"You can look at that machine in front of you while I am gone. I tell +you frankly, that there haint another machine equal to it in America; it +requires no strength at all; infants can run it for days at a time; or +idiots; if anybody knows enough to set and whistle, they can run this +machine; and it's especially adapted to the blind--blind people can run +it jest as well as them that can see. A blind woman last year, in one +day, made 43 dollars a makin' leather aprons; stitched them all round +the age two rows. She made two dozen of 'em, and then she made four +dozen gauze veils the same day, without changin' the needle. That is one +of the beauties of the machine, its goin' from leather to lace, and back +again, without changin' the needle. It is so tryin' for wimmen, every +time they want to go from leather to gauze and book muslin, to have to +change the needle; but you can see for yourself that it haint got its +equal in North America." + +He heerd the colt whinner, and Josiah stood up in the wagon, and looked +after it. So he started off down the cross road. + +And we sot there, feelin' considerable like a procession; Josiah holdin' +the stranger's horse, and I the old mare; and as we sot there, up driv +another slick lookin' chap, and I bein' ahead, he spoke to me, and says +he: + +"Can you direct me, mom, to Josiah Allen's house?" + +"It is about a mile from here," and I added in a friendly tone, "Josiah +is my husband." + +"Is he?" says he, in a genteel tone. + +"Yes," says I, "we have been to Jonesville, and our colt run down that +cross road, and--" + +"I see," says he interruptin' of me, "I see how it is." And then he went +on in a lower tone, "If you think of buyin' a sewin' machine, don't git +one of that feller in the wagon behind you--I know him well; he is one +of the most worthless shacks in the country, as you can plainly see by +the looks of his countenance. If I ever see a face in which knave and +villain is wrote down, it is on hisen. Any one with half an eye can see +that he would cheat his grandmother out of her snuff handkerchief, if he +got a chance." + +He talked so fast that I couldn't git a chance to put in a word age ways +for Josiah. + +"His sewin' machines are utterly worthless; he haint never sold one yet; +he cant. His character has got out--folks know him. There was a lady +tellin' me the other day that her machine she bought of him, all fell to +pieces in less than twenty-four hours after she bought it; fell onto her +infant, a sweet little babe, and crippled it for life. I see your +husband is havin' a hard time of it with that colt. I will jest hitch my +horse here to the fence, and go down and help him; I want to have a +little talk with him before he comes back here." So he started off on +the run. + +I told Josiah what he said about him, for it madded me, but Josiah took +it cool. He seemed to love to set there and see them two men run. I +never _did_ see a colt act as that one did; they didn't have time to +pass a word with each other, to find out their mistake, it kep' 'em so +on a keen run. They would git it headed towards us, and then it would +kick up its heels, and run into some lot, and canter round in a circle +with its head up in the air, and then bring up short ag'inst the fence; +and then they would leap over the fence. The first one had white +pantaloons on, but he didn't mind 'em; over he would go, right into +sikuta or elderbushes, and they would wave their hats at it, and holler, +and whistle, and bark like dogs, and the colt would whinner and start +off again right the wrong way, and them two men would go a pantin' after +it. They had been a runnin' nigh onto half an hour, when a good lookin' +young feller come along, and seein' me a settin' still and holdin' the +old mare, he up and says: + +"Are you in any trouble that I can assist you?" + +Says I, "We are goin' home from Jonesville, Josiah and me, and our colt +got away and--" + +But Josiah interrupted me, and says he, "And them two fools a caperin' +after it, are sewin' machine agents." + +The good lookin' chap see all through it in a minute, and he broke out +into a laugh it would have done your soul good to hear, it was so clear +and hearty, and honest. But he didn't say a word; he drove out to go by +us, and we see then that he had a sewin' machine in the buggy. + +"Are you a agent?" says Josiah. + +"Yes," says he. + +"What sort of a machine is this here?" says Josiah, liftin' up the cloth +from the machine in front of him. + +"A pretty good one," says the feller, lookin' at the name on it. + +"Is yours as good?" says Josiah. + +"I think it is better," says he. And then he started up his horse. + +"Hello! stop!" says Josiah. + +The feller stopped. + +"Why don't you run down other fellers' machines, and beset us to buy +yourn?" + +"Because I don't make a practice of stoppin' people on the street." + +"Do you haunt folks day and night; foller 'em up ladders, through +trap-doors, down sullers, and under barns?" + +"No," says the young chap, "I show people how my machine works; if they +want it, I sell it; and if they don't, I leave." + +"How much is your machine?" says Josiah. + +"75 dollars." + +"Can't you," says Josiah, "because I look so much like your old father, +or because I am a Methodist, or because my wife's mother used to live +neighbor to your grandmother--let me have it for 25 dollars?" + +The feller got up on his wagon, and turned his machine round so we could +see it plain--it was a beauty--and says he: + +"You see this machine, sir; I think it is the best one made, although +there is no great difference between this and the one over there; but I +think what difference there is, is in this one's favor. You can have it +for 75 dollars if you want it; if not, I will drive on." + +"How do you like the looks on it, Samantha?" + +Says I, "It is the kind I wanted to git." + +Josiah took out his wallet, and counted out 75 dollars, and says he: + +"Put that machine into that wagon where Samantha is." + +The good lookin' feller was jest liftin' of it in, and countin' over his +money, when the two fellers come up with the colt. It seemed that they +had had a explanation as they was comin' back; I see they had as quick +as I catched sight on 'em, for they was a walkin' one on one side of the +road, and the other on the other, most tight up to the fence. They was +most dead the colt had run 'em so, and it did seem as if their faces +couldn't look no redder nor more madder than they did as we catched +sight on 'em and Josiah thanked 'em for drivin' back the colt; but when +they see that the other feller had sold us a machine, their faces _did_ +look redder and madder. + +But I didn't care a mite; we drove off tickled enough that we had got +through with our sufferin's with agents. And the colt had got so beat +out a runnin' and racin', that he drove home first-rate, walkin' along +by the old mare as stiddy as a deacon. + + + + +CHEER FOR THE CONSUMER + +BY NIXON WATERMAN + + + I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter + If you crowd me in the street cars till I couldn't well be flatter; + I'm only a consumer, and the strikers may go striking, + For it's mine to end my living if it isn't to my liking. + I am a sort of parasite without a special mission + Except to pay the damages--mine is a queer position: + The Fates unite to squeeze me till I couldn't well be flatter, + For I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter. + + The baker tilts the price of bread upon the vaguest rumor + Of damage to the wheat crop, but I'm only a consumer, + So it really doesn't matter, for there's no law that compells me + To pay the added charges on the loaf of bread he sells me. + The iceman leaves a smaller piece when days are growing hotter, + But I'm only a consumer, and I do not need iced water: + My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor, + And it really doesn't matter, for I'm only a consumer. + + The milkman waters milk for me; there's garlic in my butter, + But I'm only a consumer, and it does no good to mutter; + I know that coal is going up and beef is getting higher, + But I'm only a consumer, and I have no need of fire; + While beefsteak is a luxury that wealth alone is needing, + I'm only a consumer, and what need have I for feeding? + My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor, + And it really doesn't matter, since I'm only a consumer. + + The grocer sells me addled eggs; the tailor sells me shoddy, + I'm only a consumer, and I am not anybody. + The cobbler pegs me paper soles, the dairyman short-weights me, + I'm only a consumer, and most everybody hates me. + There's turnip in my pumpkin pie and ashes in my pepper, + The world's my lazaretto, and I'm nothing but a leper; + So lay me in my lonely grave and tread the turf down flatter, + I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter. + + + + +A DESPERATE RACE + +BY J.F. KELLEY + + +Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party that met in the principal +hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of the +Buckeye state. + +It was a winter's evening, when all without was bleak and stormy and all +within were blithe and gay,--when song and story made the circuit of the +festive board, filling up the chasms of life with mirth and laughter. + +We had met for the express purpose of making a night of it, and the +pious intention was duly and most religiously carried out. The +Legislature was in session in that town, and not a few of the worthy +legislators were present upon this occasion. + +One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a big swath in +the evening's entertainment, but he was a man _more_ generally known +than our worthy President, James K. Polk. That man was the famous +Captain Riley, whose "Narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty +generally known all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a fine, +fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my story was the +representative of the Dayton district, and lived near that little city +when at home. Well, Captain Riley had amused the company with many of +his far-famed and singular adventures, which, being mostly told before +and read by millions of people that have seen his book, I will not +attempt to repeat. + +Many were the stories and adventures told by the company, when it came +to the turn of a well-known gentleman who represented the Cincinnati +district. As Mr. ---- is yet among the living, and perhaps not disposed +to be the subject of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give his +name. Mr. ---- was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and, at +the same time, much disposed to magnify himself into a marvellous hero +whenever the opportunity offered. As Captain Riley wound up one of his +truthful though really marvellous adventures, Mr. ---- coolly remarked +that the captain's story was all very _well_, but it did not begin to +compare with an adventure that he had, "once upon a time," on the Ohio, +below the present city of Cincinnati. + +"Let's have it!"--"Let's have it!" resounded from all hands. + +"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice for action and +knocking the ashes from his cigar against the arm of his +chair,--"gentlemen, I am not in the habit of spinning yarns of +marvellous or fictitious matters; and therefore it is scarcely necessary +to affirm upon the responsibility of my reputation, gentlemen, that what +I am about to tell you I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and--" + +"Oh, never mind that: go on, Mr. ----," chimed the party. + +"Well gentlemen, in 18-- I came down the Ohio River, and settled at +Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was at that time but a little +settlement of some twenty or thirty log and frame cabins, and where now +stand the Broadway Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling-houses, was +the cottage and corn-patch of old Mr. ----, the tailor, who, by the bye, +bought that land for the making of a coat for one of the settlers. Well, +I put up my cabin, with the aid of my neighbors, and put in a patch of +corn and potatoes, about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about +improving my lot, house, etc. + +"Occasionally I took up my rifle and started off with my dog down the +river, to look up a little deer or bar meat, then very plenty along the +river. The blasted red-skins were lurking about and hovering around the +settlement, and every once in a while picked off some of our neighbors +or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red demons, and made no bones +of peppering the blasted sarpents whenever I got a sight of them. In +fact, the red rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a good many traps +to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catched napping. No, no, gentlemen, +I was too well up to 'em for that. + +"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take a hunt, and +traveled a long way down the river, over the bottoms and hills, but +couldn't find no _bar_ nor deer. About four o'clock in the afternoon I +made tracks for the settlement again. By and by I sees a buck just ahead +of me, walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my faithful +old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting-distance, and just +as the buck stuck his nose in the drink I drew a bead upon his top-knot, +and over he tumbled, and splurged and bounded a while, when I came up +and relieved him by cutting his wizen--" + +"Well, but what has that to do with an _adventure_?" said Riley. + +"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen; by Jove, it had a great deal +to do with it. For, while I was busy skinning the hind-quarters of the +buck, and stowing away the kidney-fat in my hunting-shirt, I heard a +noise like the breaking of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My +dog heard it, and started up to reconnoiter, and I lost no time in +reloading my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out before my dog raised +a howl and broke through the brush toward me with his tail down, as he +was not used to doing unless there were wolves, painters (panthers), or +Injins about. + +"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in a skulking trot +up the river. The frequent gullies on the lower bank made it tedious +traveling there, so I scrabbled up to the upper bank, which was pretty +well covered with buckeye and sycamore, and very little underbrush. One +peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red rascals, +gentlemen, as you ever clapped your eyes on! Yes, there they came, not +above six hundred yards in my rear, shouting and yelling like hounds, +and coming after me like all possessed." + +"Well," said an old woodsman, sitting at the table, "you took a tree, of +course." + +"Did I? No, gentlemen, I took no tree just then, but I took to my heels +like sixty, and it was just as much as my old dog could do to keep up +with me. I run until the whoops of my red-skins grew fainter and fainter +behind me, and, clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me, and +there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing, not three hundred +yards in my rear. He had got on to a piece of bottom where the trees +were small and scarce. 'Now,' thinks I, 'old fellow, I'll have you.' So +I trotted off at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and +when he had got just about near enough I wheeled and fired, and down I +brought him, dead as a door-nail, at a hundred and twenty yards!" + +"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman. + +"Very clear of it, gentlemen; for by the time I got my rifle loaded, +here came the other two red-skins, shouting and whooping close on me, +and away I broke again like a quarter-horse. I was now about five miles +from the settlement, and it was getting toward sunset. I ran till my +wind began to be pretty short, when I took a look back, and there they +came, snorting like mad buffaloes, one about two or three hundred yards +ahead of the other: so I acted possum again until the foremost Injin got +pretty well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was +'drawing a bead' on me: he fell head over stomach into the dirt, and up +came the last one!" + +"So you laid for him, and--" gasped several. + +"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him, I hadn't time to +load, so I laid my _legs_ to ground and started again. I heard every +bound he made after me. I ran and ran until the fire flew out of my +eyes, and the old dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard +long!" + +"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody. + +"Fact, gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't know: rifle empty, no +big trees about, and a murdering red Indian not three hundred yards in +my rear; and what was worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not +a great ways from a big creek (now called Mill Creek), and there I +should be pinned at last. + +"Just at this juncture, I struck my toe against a root, and down I +tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I could scrabble up--" + +"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman. + +"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under the shoulder; +but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon my locomotion, for as soon +as I got up I took off again, quite freshened by my fall! I heard the +red-skin close behind me coming booming on, and every minute I expected +to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders. + +"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs into my boots--" + +"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the old woodsman, in +a great state of excitement. + +"I thought so," said the Senator; "but what do you think it was?" + +Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the blazes it could +be; when Riley observed,-- + +"I suppose you had--" + +"Melted the deer-fat which I had stuck in the breast of my +hunting-shirt, and the grease was running down my leg until my feet got +so greasy that my heavy boots flew off, and one, hitting the dog, nearly +knocked his brains out." + +We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed,-- + +"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think I'm exaggerating?" + +"Oh, certainly not! Go on, Mr. ----," we all chimed in. + +"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and, being relieved of my +heavy boots, I put off with double-quick time, and, seeing the creek +about half a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what +kind of chance there was to hold up and load. The red-skin was coming +jogging along, pretty well blowed out, about five hundred yards in the +rear. Thinks I, 'Here goes to load, anyhow.' So at it I went: in went +the powder, and, putting on my patch, down went the ball about half-way, +and off snapped my ramrod!" + +"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman, who was worked up to +the top-notch in the "member's" story. + +"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the red whelp within two +hundred yards of me, pacing along and _loading up his rifle as he came_! +I jerked out the broken ramrod, dashed it away, and started on, priming +up as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red-skin a blast, +anyhow, as soon as I reached the creek. + +"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could see the smoke from +the settlement chimneys. A few more jumps, and I was by the creek. The +Indian was close upon me: he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle: on he +came, knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not down: another +whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty yards of me. I pulled trigger, +and--" + +"And killed _him_?" chuckled Riley. + +"No, _sir_! I missed fire!" + +"And the red-skin--" shouted the old woodsman, in a frenzy of +excitement. + +"_Fired and killed me!_" + +The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought landlord Noble, +servants and hostlers running up stairs to see if the house was on +fire! + + + + +"AS GOOD AS A PLAY" + +BY HORACE E. SCUDDER + + +There was quite a row of them on the mantel-piece. They were all facing +front, and it looked as if they had come out of the wall behind, and +were on their little stage facing the audience. There was the bronze +monk reading a book by the light of a candle, who had a private opening +under his girdle, so that sometimes his head was thrown violently back, +and one looked down into him and found him full of brimstone matches. +Then the little boy leaning against a greyhound; he was made of Parian, +very fine Parian, too, so that one would expect to find a glass cover +over him: but no, the glass cover stood over a cat and a cat made of +worsted, too: still it was a very old cat, fifty years old in fact. +There was another young person there, young like the boy leaning on a +greyhound, and she, too, was of Parian: she was very fair in front, but +behind--ah, that is a secret which is not quite time yet to tell. One +other stood there, at least she seemed to stand, but nobody could see +her feet, for her dress was so very wide and so finely flounced. She was +the china girl that rose out of a pen-wiper. + +The fire in the grate below was of soft coal, and flashed up and down, +throwing little jets of flame up that made very pretty foot-lights. So +here was a stage, and here were the actors, but where was the audience? +Oh, the Audience was in the arm-chair in front. He had a special seat; +he was a critic, and could get up when he wanted to, when the play +became tiresome, and go out. + +"It is painful to say such things out loud," said the +Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound, with a trembling voice, "but we have +been together so long, and these people round us never will go away. +Dear girl, will you?--you know." It was the Parian girl that he spoke +to, but he did not look at her; he could not, he was leaning against the +greyhound; he only looked at the Audience. + +"I am not quite sure," she coughed. "If, now, you were under a glass +case." + +"I am under a glass case," spoke up the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Marry me. +I am fifty years old. Marry me, and live under a glass case." + +"Shocking!" said she. "How can you? Fifty years old, too! That would +indeed be a match!" + +"Marry!" muttered the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "A match! I am full of +matches, but I don't marry. Folly!" + +"You stand up very straight, neighbor," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. + +"I never bend," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "Life is earnest. I +read a book by candle. I am never idle." + +The Cat-made-of-worsted grinned to himself. + +"You've got a hinge in your back," said he, "they open you in the +middle; your head flies back. How the blood must run down. And then +you're full of brimstone matches. He! he!" and the Cat-made-of-worsted +grinned out loud. The Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound spoke again, and +sighed: + +"I am of Parian, you know, and there is no one else here of Parian +except yourself." + +"And the greyhound," said the Parian girl. + +"Yes, and the greyhound," said he eagerly. "He belongs to me. Come, a +glass case is nothing to it. We could roam; oh, we could roam!" + +"I don't like roaming." + +"Then we could stay at home, and lean against the greyhound." + +"No," said the Parian girl, "I don't like that." + +"Why?" + +"I have private reasons." + +"What?" + +"No matter." + +"I know," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "I saw her behind. She's hollow. +She's stuffed with lamp-lighters. He! he!" and the Cat-made-of-worsted +grinned again. + +"I love you just as much," said the steadfast +Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound, "and I don't believe the Cat." + +"Go away," said the Parian girl, angrily. "You're all hateful. I won't +have you." + +"Ah!" sighed the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound. + +"Ah!" came another sigh--it was from the +China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper--"how I pity you!" + +"Do you?" said he eagerly. "Do you? Then I love you. Will you marry me?" + +"Ah!" said she; "but--" + +"She can't!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "She can't come to you. She +hasn't got any legs. I know it. I'm fifty years old. I never saw them." + +"Never mind the Cat," said the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound. + +"But I do mind the Cat," said she, weeping. "I haven't. It's all +pen-wiper." + +"Do I care?" said he. + +"She has thoughts," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. "That lasts +longer than beauty. And she is solid behind." + +"And she has no hinge in her back," grinned the Cat-made-of-worsted. +"Come, neighbors, let us congratulate them. You begin." + +"Keep out of disagreeable company," said the bronze Monk-reading-a-book. + +"That is not congratulation; that is advice," said the +Cat-made-of-worsted. "Never mind, go on, my dear,"--to the Parian girl. +"What! nothing to say? Then I'll say it for you. 'Friends, may your love +last as long as your courtship.' Now I'll congratulate you." + +But before he could speak, the Audience got up. + +"You shall not say a word. It must end happily." + +He went to the mantel-piece and took up the +China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper. + +"Why, she has legs after all," said he. + +"They're false," said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "They're false. I know +it. I'm fifty years old. I never saw true ones on her." + +The Audience paid no attention, but took up the +Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound. + +"Ha!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Come. I like this. He's hollow. +They're all hollow. He! he! Neighbor Monk, you're hollow. He! he!" and +the Cat-made-of-worsted never stopped grinning. The Audience lifted the +glass case from him and set it over the Boy-leaning-against-a-greyhound +and the China-girl-rising-out-of-a-pen-wiper. + +"Be happy!" said he. + +"Happy!" said the Cat-made-of-worsted. "Happy!" + +Still they were happy. + + + + +THE AUTOCRAT OF THE BREAKFAST TABLE + +BY OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES + + +It is not easy, at the best, for two persons talking together to make +the most of each other's thoughts, there are so many of them. + +[The company looked as if they wanted an explanation.] + +When John and Thomas, for instance, are talking together, it is natural +enough that among the six there should be more or less confusion and +misapprehension. + +[Our landlady turned pale;--no doubt she thought there was a screw loose +in my intellects,--and that involved the probable loss of a boarder. A +severe-looking person, who wears a Spanish cloak and a sad cheek, fluted +by the passions of the melodrama, whom I understand to be the +professional ruffian of the neighboring theater, alluded, with a certain +lifting of the brow, drawing down of the corners of the mouth and +somewhat rasping _voce di petti_, to Falstaff's nine men in buckram. +Everybody looked up. I believe the old gentleman opposite was afraid I +should seize the carving-knife; at any rate, he slid it to one side, as +it were carelessly.] + +I think, I said, I can make it plain to Benjamin Franklin here, that +there are at least six personalities distinctly to be recognized as +taking part in that dialogue between John and Thomas. + + { 1. The real John; known only to his Maker. + { 2. John's ideal John; never the real one, and often + Three Johns { very unlike him. + { 3. Thomas's ideal John; never the real John, nor + { John's John, but often very unlike either. + + { 1. The real Thomas. + Three Thomases { 2. Thomas's ideal Thomas. + { 3. John's ideal Thomas. + +Only one of the three Johns is taxed; only one can be weighed on a +platform-balance; but the other two are just as important in the +conversation. Let us suppose the real John to be old, dull and +ill-looking. But as the Higher Powers have not conferred on men the gift +of seeing themselves in the true light, John very possibly conceives +himself to be youthful, witty, and fascinating, and talks from the point +of view of this ideal. Thomas, again believes him to be an artful rogue, +we will say; therefore he _is_ so far as Thomas's attitude in the +conversation is concerned, an artful rogue, though really simple and +stupid. The same conditions apply to the three Thomases. It follows, +that, until a man can be found who knows himself as his Maker knows him, +or who sees himself as others see him, there must be at least six +persons engaged in every dialogue between two. Of these, the least +important, philosophically speaking, is the one that we have called the +real person. No wonder two disputants often get angry, when there are +six of them talking and listening all at the same time. + +[A very unphilosophical application of the above remarks was made by a +young fellow, answering to the name of John, who sits near me at table. +A certain basket of peaches, a rare vegetable, little known to boarding +houses, was on its way to me _via_ this unlettered Johannes. He +appropriated the three that remained in the basket, remarking that there +was just one apiece for him. I convinced him that his practical +inference was hasty and illogical, but in the mean time he had eaten the +peaches.] + + +"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE + +"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,--having been +won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ---- Stamford, during the +stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this +gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions +(unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the "Notes and Queries." +This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a +large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for +their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm +weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The +summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but +this fact can not be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar +reason, the mercury in these latitudes never shrinks, as in more +northern regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in +winter. + +"The principal vegetable productions of the island are the pepper-tree +and the bread-fruit tree. Pepper being very abundantly produced, a +benevolent society was organized in London during the last century for +supplying the natives with vinegar and oysters, as an addition to that +delightful condiment. [Note received from Dr. D.P.] It is said, however, +that, as the oysters were of the kind called _natives_ in England, the +natives of Sumatra, in obedience to a natural instinct, refused to touch +them, and confined themselves entirely to the crew of the vessel in +which they were brought over. This information was received from one of +the oldest inhabitants, a native himself, and exceedingly fond of +missionaries. He is said also to be very skilful in the _cuisine_ +peculiar to the island. + +"During the season of gathering the pepper, the persons employed are +subject to various incommodities, the chief of which is violent and +long-continued sternutation, or sneezing. Such is the vehemence of these +attacks, that the unfortunate subjects of them are often driven backward +for great distances at immense speed, on the well-known principle of the +aeolipile. Not being able to see where they are going, these poor +creatures dash themselves to pieces against the rocks or are +precipitated over the cliffs, and thus many valuable lives are lost +annually. As, during the whole pepper-harvest, they feed exclusively on +this stimulant, they become exceedingly irritable. The smallest injury +is resented with ungovernable rage. A young man suffering from the +_pepper-fever_, as it is called, cudgeled another most severely for +appropriating a superannuated relative of trifling value, and was only +pacified by having a present made him of a pig of that peculiar species +of swine called the _Peccavi_ by the Catholic Jews, who, it is well +known, abstain from swine's flesh in imitation of the Mahometan +Buddhists. + +"The bread-tree grows abundantly. Its branches are well known to Europe +and America under the familiar name of _macaroni_. The smaller twigs are +called _vermicelli_. They have a decided animal flavor, as may be +observed in the soups containing them. Macaroni, being tubular, is the +favorite habitat of a very dangerous insect, which is rendered +peculiarly ferocious by being boiled. The government of the island, +therefore, never allows a stick of it to be exported without being +accompanied by a piston with which its cavity may at any time be +thoroughly swept out. These are commonly lost or stolen before the +macaroni arrives among us. It therefore always contains many of these +insects, which, however, generally die of old age in the shops, so that +accidents from this source are comparatively rare. + +"The fruit of the bread-tree consists principally of hot rolls. The +buttered-muffin variety is supposed to be a hybrid with a cocoanut palm, +the cream found on the milk of the cocoanut exuding from the hybrid in +the shape of butter, just as the ripe fruit is splitting, so as to fit +it for the tea-table, where it is commonly served up with cold--" + +--There,--I don't want to read any more of it. You see that many of +these statements are highly improbable.--No, I shall not mention the +paper.--No, neither of them wrote it, though it reminds me of the style +of these popular writers. I think the fellow that wrote it must have +been reading some of their stories, and got them mixed up with his +history and geography. I don't suppose _he_ lies; he sells it to the +editor, who knows how many squares off "Sumatra" is. The editor, who +sells it to the public--by the way, the papers have been very +civil--haven't they?--to the--the--what d'ye call it?--"Northern +Magazine,"--isn't it?--got up by some of these Come-outers, down East, +as an organ for their local peculiarities. + + * * * * * + +It is a very dangerous thing for a literary man to indulge his love for +the ridiculous. People laugh _with_ him just so long as he amuses them; +but if he attempts to be serious, they must still have their laugh, and +so they laugh _at_ him. There is in addition, however, a deeper reason +for this than would at first appear. Do you know that you feel a little +superior to every man who makes you laugh, whether by making faces or +verses? Are you aware that you have a pleasant sense of patronizing him, +when you condescend so far as to let him turn somersets, literal or +literary, for your royal delight? Now if a man can only be allowed to +stand on a dais, or raised platform, and look down on his neighbor who +is exerting his talent for him, oh, it is all right!--first-rate +performance!--and all the rest of the fine phrases. But if all at once +the performer asks the gentleman to come upon the floor, and, stepping +upon the platform, begins to talk down at him,--ah, that wasn't in the +program! + +I have never forgotten what happened when Sydney Smith--who, as +everybody knows, was an exceedingly sensible man, and a gentleman, every +inch of him--ventured to preach a sermon on the Duties of Royalty. The +"Quarterly," "so savage and tartly," came down upon him in the most +contemptuous style, as "a joker of jokes," a "diner-out of the first +water" in one of his own phrases; sneering at him, insulting him, as +nothing but a toady of a court, sneaking behind the anonymous, would +ever have been mean enough to do to a man of his position and genius, or +to any decent person even.--If I were giving advice to a young fellow of +talent, with two or three facets to his mind, I would tell him by all +means to keep his wit in the background until after he had made a +reputation by his more solid qualities. And so to an actor: _Hamlet_ +first and _Bob Logic_ afterward, if you like; but don't think, as they +say poor Liston used to, that people will be ready to allow that you can +do anything great with _Macbeth's_ dagger after flourishing about with +_Paul Pry's_ umbrella. Do you know, too, that the majority of men look +upon all who challenge their attention,--for a while, at least,--as +beggars, and nuisances? They always try to get off as cheaply as they +can; and the cheapest of all things they can give a literary man--pardon +the forlorn pleasantry!--is the _funny_-bone. That is all very well so +far as it goes, but satisfies no man, and makes a good many angry, as I +told you on a former occasion. + +Oh, indeed, no!--I am not ashamed to make you laugh, occasionally. I +think I could read you something I have in my desk that would probably +make you smile. Perhaps I will read it one of these days, if you are +patient with me when I am sentimental and reflective; not just now. The +ludicrous has its place in the universe; it is not a human invention, +but one of the Divine ideas, illustrated in the practical jokes as +kittens and monkeys long before Aristophanes or Shakespeare. How curious +it is that we always consider solemnity and the absence of all gay +surprises and encounter of wits as essential to the idea of the future +life of those whom we thus deprive of half their faculties and then +called _blessed_! There are not a few who, even in this life, seem to be +preparing themselves for that smileless eternity to which they look +forward, by banishing all gaiety from their hearts and all joyousness +from their countenances. I meet one such in the street not unfrequently, +a person of intelligence and education, but who gives me (and all that +he passes) such a rayless and chilling look of recognition,--something +as if he were one of Heaven's assessors, come down to "doom" every +acquaintance he met,--that I have sometimes begun to sneeze on the spot, +and gone home with a violent cold, dating from that instant. I don't +doubt he would cut his kitten's tail off, if he caught her playing with +it. Please tell me, who taught her to play with it? + + + + +CAESAR'S QUIET LUNCH WITH CICERO + +BY JAMES T. FIELDS + + + Have you read how Julius Caesar + Made a call on Cicero + In his modest Formian villa, + Many and many a year ago? + + "I shall pass your way," wrote Caesar, + "On the Saturnalia, Third, + And I'll just drop in, my Tullius, + For a quiet friendly word: + + "Don't make a stranger of me, Marc, + Nor be at all put out, + A snack of anything you have + Will serve my need, no doubt. + + "I wish to show my confidence-- + The invitation's mine-- + I come to share your simple food, + And taste your honest wine." + + Up rose M. Tullius Cicero, + And seized a Roman punch,-- + Then mused upon the god-like soul + Was coming round to lunch. + + "By Hercules!" he murmured low + Unto his lordly self, + "There are not many dainties left + Upon my pantry shelf! + + "But what I have shall Julius share. + What, ho!" he proudly cried, + "Great Caesar comes this way anon + To sit my chair beside. + + "A dish of lampreys quickly stew, + And cook them with a turn, + For that's his favorite pabulum + From Mamurra I learn." + + * * * * * + + His slaves obey their lord's command; + The table soon is laid + For two distinguished gentlemen,-- + One rather bald, 'tis said. + + When lo! a messenger appears + To sound approach--and then, + "Brave Caesar comes to greet his friend + With _twice a thousand men_! + + "His cohorts rend the air with shouts; + That is their dust you see; + The trumpeters announce him near!" + Said Marcus, "Woe is me! + + "Fly, Cassius, fly! assign a guard! + Borrow what tents you can! + Encamp his soldiers round the field, + Or I'm a ruined man! + + "Get sheep and oxen by the score! + Buy corn at any price! + O Jupiter! befriend me now, + And give me your advice!" + + * * * * * + + It turned out better than he feared,-- + Things proved enough and good,-- + And Caesar made himself at home, + And much enjoyed his food. + + But Marcus had an awful fright,-- + _That_ can not be denied; + "I'm glad 'tis over!"--when it was-- + The host sat down and sighed, + + And when he wrote to Atticus, + And all the story told, + He ended his epistle thus: + "J.C.'s a warrior bold, + + "A vastly entertaining man, + In Learning quite immense, + So full of literary skill, + And most uncommon sense, + + "But, frankly, I should never say + 'No trouble, sir, at all; + And when you pass this way again, + _Give us another call!_'" + + + + +COMIN' HOME THANKSGIVIN' + +BY JAMES BALL NAYLOR + + + I've clean fergot my rheumatiz-- + Hain't nary limp n'r hobble; + I'm feelin' like a turkey-cock-- + An' ready 'most to gobble; + I'm workin' spry, an' steppin' high-- + An' thinkin' life worth livin'. + Fer all the children's comin' home + All comin' home Thanksgivin'. + + There's Mary up at Darby Town, + An' Sally down at Goshen, + An' Billy out at Kirkersville, + An' Jim--who has a notion + That Hackleyburg's the very place + Fer which his soul has striven; + They're all a-comin' home ag'in-- + All comin' home Thanksgivin'. + + Yes--yes! They're all a-comin' back; + There ain't no ifs n'r maybes. + The boys'll fetch the'r wives an' kids; + The gals, th'r men an' babies. + The ol' place will be upside-down; + An' me an' Mammy driven + To roost out in the locus' trees-- + When they come home Thanksgivin'. + + Fer Mary she has three 'r four + Mis_chee_vous little tykes, sir, + An' Sally has a houseful more-- + You never seen the like, sir; + While Jim has six, an' Billy eight-- + They'll tear the house to flinders, + An' dig the cellar out in chunks + An' pitch it through the winders. + + The gals 'll tag me to the barn; + An' climb the mows, an' waller + All over ev'ry ton o' hay-- + An' laugh an' scream an' holler. + The boys 'll git in this an' that; + An' git a lickin'--p'r'aps, sir-- + Jest like the'r daddies used to git + When _they_ was little chaps, sir. + + But--lawzee-me!--w'y, I won't care. + I'm jest so glad they're comin', + I have to whistle to the tune + That my ol' heart's a-hummin'. + An' me an' Mammy--well, we think + It's good to be a-livin', + Sence all the children's comin' home + To spend the day Thanksgivin'. + + + + +PRAISE-GOD BAREBONES + +BY ELLEN MACKAY HUTCHINSON CORTISSOZ + + + I and my cousin Wildair met + And tossed a pot together-- + Burnt sack it was that Molly brewed, + For it was nipping weather. + 'Fore George! To see Dick buss the wench + Set all the inn folk laughing! + They dubbed him pearl of cavaliers + At kissing and at quaffing. + + "Oddsfish!" says Dick, "the sack is rare, + And rarely burnt, fair Molly; + 'Twould cure the sourest Crop-ear yet + Of Pious Melancholy." + "Egad!" says I, "here cometh one + Hath been at 's prayers but lately." + --Sooth, Master Praise-God Barebones stepped + Along the street sedately. + + Dick Wildair, with a swashing bow, + And touch of his Toledo, + Gave Merry Xmas to the rogue + And bade him say his Credo; + Next crush a cup to the King's health, + And eke to pretty Molly; + "'T will cure your saintliness," says Dick, + "Of Pious Melancholy." + + Then Master Barebones stopped and frowned; + My heart stood still a minute; + Thinks I, both Dick and I will hang, + Or else the devil's in it! + For me, I care not for old Noll, + Nor all the Rump together. + Yet, faith! 't is best to be alive + In pleasant Xmas weather. + + His worship, Barebones, grimly smiled; + "I love not blows nor brawling; + Yet will I give thee, fool, a pledge!" + And, zooks! he sent Dick sprawling! + When Moll and I helped Wildair up, + No longer trim and jolly-- + "Feelst not, Sir Dick," says saucy Moll, + "A Pious Melancholy?" + + + + +THE LOAFER AND THE SQUIRE + +BY PORTE CRAYON + + +The squire himself was the type of a class found only among the rural +population of our Southern States--a class, the individuals of which are +connected by a general similarity of position and circumstance, but +present a field to the student of man infinite in variety, rich in +originality. + +As the isolated oak that spreads his umbrageous top in the meadow +surpasses his spindling congener of the forest, so does the country +gentleman, alone in the midst of his broad estate, outgrow the man of +crowds and conventionalities in our cities. The oak may have the +advantage in the comparison, as his locality and consequent superiority +are permanent. The Squire, out of his own district, we ignore. Whether +intrinsically, or simply in default of comparison, at home he is +invariably a great man. Such, at least, was Squire Hardy. Sour and +cynical in speech, yet overflowing with human kindness; contemning +luxury and expense in dress and equipage, but princely in his +hospitality; praising the olden time to the disparagement of the +present; the mortal foe of progressionists and fast people in every +department; above all, a philosopher of his own school, he judged by the +law of Procrustes, and permitted no appeals; opinionated and arbitrary +as the Czar, he was sauced by his negroes, respected and loved by his +neighbors, led by the nose by his wife and daughters, and the abject +slave of his grandchildren. + +His house was as big as a barn, and, as his sons and daughters married, +they brought their mates home to the old mansion. "It will be time +enough for them to hive," quoth the Squire, "when the old box is full." + +Notwithstanding his contempt for fast men nowadays, he is rather pleased +with any allusion to his own youthful reputation in that line, and not +unfrequently tells a good story on himself. We can not omit one told by +a neighbor, as being characteristic of the times and manners forty years +ago: + +At Culpepper Court-house, or some court-house thereabout, Dick Hardy, +then a good-humored, gay young bachelor, and the prime favorite of both +sexes, was called upon to carve the pig at the court dinner. The +district judge was at the table, the lawyers, justices, and everybody +else that felt disposed to dine. At Dick's right elbow sat a militia +colonel, who was tricked out in all the pomp and circumstance admitted +by his rank. He had probably been engaged on some court-martial, +imposing fifty-cent fines on absentees from the last general muster. +Howbeit Dick, in thrusting his fork into the back of the pig, +bespattered the officer's regimentals with some of the superfluous +gravy. "Beg your pardon," said Dick, as he went on with his carving. Now +these were times when the war spirit was high, and chivalry at a +premium. "Beg your pardon" might serve as a napkin to wipe the stain +from one's honor, but did not touch the question of the greased and +spotted regimentals. + +The colonel, swelling with wrath, seized a spoon, and deliberately +dipping it into the gravy, dashed it over Dick's prominent shirt-frill. + +All saw the act, and with open eyes and mouth sat in astonished +silence, waiting to see what would be done next. The outraged citizen +calmly laid down his knife and fork, and looked at his frill, the +officer, and the pig, one after another. The colonel, unmindful of the +pallid countenance and significant glances of the burning eye, leaned +back in his chair, with arms akimbo, regarding the young farmer with +cool disdain. A murmur of surprise and indignation arose from the +congregated guests. Dick's face turned red as a turkey-gobbler's. He +deliberately took the pig by the hind legs, and with a sudden whirl +brought it down upon the head of the unlucky officer. Stunned by the +squashing blow, astounded and blinded with streams of gravy and wads of +stuffing, he attempted to rise, but blow after blow from the fat pig +fell upon his bewildered head. He seized a carving-knife and attempted +to defend himself with blind but ineffectual fury, and at length, with a +desperate effort, rose and took to his heels. Dick Hardy, whose wrath +waxed hotter and hotter, followed, belaboring him unmercifully at every +step, around the table, through the hall, and into the street, the crowd +shouting and applauding. + +We are sorry to learn that among this crowd were lawyers, sheriffs, +magistrates, and constables; and that even his honor the judge, +forgetting his dignity and position, shouted in a loud voice, "Give it +to him, Dick Hardy! There's no law in Christendom against basting a man +with a roast pig!" Dick's weapon failed before his anger; and when at +length the battered colonel escaped into the door of a friendly +dwelling, the victor had nothing in his hands but the hind legs of the +roaster. He re-entered the dining-room flourishing these over his head, +and venting his still unappeased wrath in great oaths. + +The company reassembled, and finished their dinner as best they might. +In reply to a toast, Hardy made a speech, wherein he apologized for +sacrificing the principal dinner-dish, and, as he expressed it, for +putting public property to private uses. In reply to this speech a treat +was ordered. In those good old days folks were not so virtuous but that +a man might have cakes and ale without being damned for it, and it is +presumable the day wound up with a spree. + +After the squire got older, and a family grew up around him, he was not +always victorious in his contests. For example, a question lately arose +about the refurnishing of the house. On their return from a visit to +Richmond the ladies took it into their heads that the parlors looked +bare and old-fashioned, and it was decided by them in secret conclave +that a change was necessary. + +"What!" said he, in a towering passion, "isn't it enough that you spend +your time and money in vinegar to sour sweet peaches, and your sugar to +sweeten crab-apples, that you must turn the house you were born in +topsy-turvy? God help us! we've a house with windows to let the light +in, and you want curtains to keep it out; we've plastered the walls to +make them white, and now you want to paste blue paper over them; we've +waxed floors to walk on, and we must pay two dollars a yard for a carpet +to save the oak plank! Begone with your nonsense, ye demented jades!" + +The squire smote the oak floor with his heavy cane, and the rosy +petitioners fled from his presence laughing. In due time, however, the +parlors were furnished with carpets, curtains, paper, and all the +fixtures of modern luxury. The ladies were, of course, greatly +delighted; and while professing great aversion and contempt for the +"tawdry lumber," it was plain to see that the worthy man enjoyed their +pleasure as much as they did the new furniture. + +On another occasion, too, did the doughty squire suffer defeat under +circumstances far more humiliating, and from an adversary far less +worthy. + +The western horizon was blushing rosy red at the coming of the sun, +whose descending chariot was hidden by the thick Indian-summer haze that +covered lowland and mountain as it were with a violet-tinted veil. This +was the condition of things (we were going to say) when Squire Hardy +sallied forth, charged with a small bag of salt, for the purpose of +looking after his farm generally, and particularly of salting his sheep. +It was an interesting sight to see the old gentleman, with his +dignified, portly figure, marching at the head of a long procession of +improved breeds--the universally-received emblems of innocence and +patience. Barring his modern costume, he might have suggested to the +artist's mind a picture of one of the Patriarchs. + +Having come to a convenient place, or having tired himself crying +_co-nan_, _co-nan_, at the top of his voice, the squire halted. The +black ram halted, and the long procession of ewes and well-grown lambs +moved up in a dense semicircle, and also halted, expressing their +pleasure at the expected treat by gentle bleatings. The squire stooped +to spread the salt. The black ram, either from most uncivil impatience, +or mistaking the movement of the proprietor's coat-tail for a challenge, +pitched into him incontinently. "_Plenum sed_," as the Oxonions say. An +attack from behind, so sudden and unexpected, threw the squire sprawling +on his face into a stone pile. + + Oh, never was the thunder's jar, + The red tornado's wasting wing, + Or all the elemental war, + +like the fury of Squire Hardy on that occasion. + +He recovered his feet with the agility of a boy, his nose bleeding and a +stone in each hand. The timid flock looked all aghast, while the +audacious offender, so far from having shown any disposition to skulk, +stood shaking his head and threatening, as if he had a mind to follow up +the dastardly attack. The squire let fly one stone, which grazed the +villain's head and killed a lamb. With the other he crippled a favorite +ewe. The ram still showed fight, and the vengeful proprietor would +probably have soon decimated his flock had not Porte Crayon (who had +been squirrel-shooting) made his appearance in time to save them. + +"Quick, quick! young man--your gun; let me shoot the cursed brute on the +spot." + +The squire was frantic with rage, the cause of which our hero, having +seen something of the affray, easily divined. He was unwilling, however, +to trust his hair-triggered piece in the hands of his excited host. + +"By your leave, Squire, and by your orders, I'll do the shooting myself. +Which of them was it?" + +"The ram--the d----d black ram--kill him--shoot--don't let him live a +minute!" + +Crayon leveled his piece and fired. The offender made a bound and fell +dead, the black blood spouting from his forehead in a stream as thick as +your thumb. + +"There, now," exclaimed the squire, with infinite satisfaction, "you've +got it, you ungrateful brute! You've found something harder than your +own head at last, you cursed reptile! Friend Crayon, that's a capital +gun of yours, and you shot well." + +The squire dropped the stones which he had in his hands, and looking +back at the dead body of the belligerent sheep, observed, with a +thoughtful air, "He was a fine animal, Mr. Crayon--a fine animal, and +this will teach him a good lesson." + +"In all likelihood," replied Crayon, dryly, "it will break him of this +trick of butting." + +Not long after this occurrence, Squire Hardy went to hear an itinerant +phrenologist who lectured in the village. In the progress of his +discourse, the lecturer, for purposes of illustration, introduced the +skulls of several animals, mapped off in the most correct and scientific +manner. + +"Observe, ladies and gentlemen, the head of the wolf: combativeness +enormously developed, alimentiveness large, while conscientiousness is +entirely wanting. On the other hand, look at this cranium. Here +combativeness is a nullity--absolutely wanting--while the fullness of +the sentimental organs indicate at once the mild and peaceful +disposition of the sheep." + +The squire, who had listened with great attention up to this point, +hastily rose to his feet. + +"A sheep!" he exclaimed; "did you call a sheep a peaceful animal? I tell +you, sir, it is the most ferocious and unruly beast in existence. Sir, I +had a ram once--" + +"My dear sir," cried the astonished lecturer, "on the authority of our +most distinguished writers, the sheep is an emblem of peace and +innocence." + +"An emblem of the devil," interrupted the squire, boiling over. "You are +an ignorant impostor, and your science a humbug. I had a ram once that +would have taught you more in five seconds than you've learned from +books in all your lifetime." + +And so Squire Hardy put on his hat and walked out, leaving the lecturer +to rectify his blunder as best he might. + + + + +DE STOVE PIPE HOLE[7] + +BY WILLIAM HENRY DRUMMOND + + + Dat's very cole an' stormy night on Village St. Mathieu, + W'en ev'ry wan he's go couche, an' dog was quiet, too-- + Young Dominique is start heem out see Emmeline Gourdon, + Was leevin' on her fader's place, Maxime de Forgeron. + + Poor Dominique he's lak dat girl, an' love her mos' de tam, + An' she was mak' de promise--sure--some day she be his famme, + But she have worse ole fader dat's never on de worl', + Was swear onless he's riche lak diable, no feller's get hees girl. + + He's mak' it plaintee fuss about hees daughter Emmeline, + Dat's mebby nice girl, too, but den, Mon Dieu, she's not de queen! + An' w'en de young man's come aroun' for spark it on de door, + An' hear de ole man swear "Bapteme!" he's never come no more. + + Young Dominique he's sam' de res',--was scare for ole Maxime, + He don't lak risk hese'f too moche for chances seein' heem, + Dat's only stormy night he come, so dark you can not see, + An dat's de reason w'y also, he's climb de gallerie. + + De girl she's waitin' dere for heem--don't care about de rain, + So glad for see young Dominique he's comin' back again, + Dey bote forget de ole Maxime, an' mak de embrasser + An affer dey was finish dat, poor Dominique is say-- + + "Good-by, dear Emmeline, good-by; I'm goin' very soon, + For you I got no better chance, dan feller on de moon-- + It's all de fault your fader, too, dat I be go away, + He's got no use for me at all--I see dat ev'ry day. + + "He's never meet me on de road but he is say 'Sapre!' + An' if he ketch me on de house I'm scare he's killin' me, + So I mus' lef' ole St. Mathieu, for work on 'noder place, + An' till I mak de beeg for-tune, you never see ma face." + + Den Emmeline say "Dominique, ma love you'll alway be + An' if you kiss me two, t'ree tam I'll not tole noboddy-- + But prenez garde ma fader, please, I know he's gettin' ole-- + All sam' he offen walk de house upon de stockin' sole. + + "Good-by, good-by, cher Dominique! I know you will be true, + I don't want no riche feller me, ma heart she go wit' you," + Dat's very quick he's kiss her den, before de fader come, + But don't get too moche pleasurement--so 'fraid de ole Bonhomme. + + Wall! jus' about dey're half way t'roo wit all dat love beez-nesse + Emmeline say, "Dominique, w'at for you're scare lak all de res'? + Don't see mese'f moche danger now de ole man come aroun'," + W'en minute affer dat, dere's noise, lak' house she's fallin' down. + + Den Emmeline she holler "Fire! will no wan come for me?" + An' Dominique is jomp so high, near bus' de gallerie,-- + "Help! help! right off," somebody shout, "I'm killin' on ma place, + It's all de fault ma daughter, too, dat girl she's ma disgrace." + + He's kip it up long tam lak dat, but not hard tellin' now, + W'at's all de noise upon de house--who's kick heem up de row? + It seem Bonhomme was sneak aroun' upon de stockin' sole, + An' firs' t'ing den de ole man walk right t'roo de stove pipe hole. + + W'en Dominique is see heem dere, wit' wan leg hang below, + An' 'noder leg straight out above, he's glad for ketch heem so-- + De ole man can't do not'ing, den, but swear and ax for w'y + Noboddy tak' heem out dat hole before he's comin' die. + + Den Dominique he spik lak dis, "Mon cher M'sieur Gourdon + I'm not riche city feller, me, I'm only habitant, + But I was love more I can tole your daughter Emmeline, + An' if I marry on dat girl, Bagosh! she's lak de Queen. + + "I want you mak de promise now, before it's come too late, + An' I mus' tole you dis also, dere's not moche tam for wait. + Your foot she's hangin' down so low, I'm 'fraid she ketch de cole, + Wall! if you give me Emmeline, I pull you out de hole." + + Dat mak' de ole man swear more hard he never swear before, + An' wit' de foot he's got above, he's kick it on de floor, + "Non, non," he say "Sapre tonnerre! she never marry you, + An' if you don't look out you get de jail on St. Mathieu." + + "Correc'," young Dominique is say, "mebbe de jail's tight place, + But you got wan small corner, too, I see it on de face, + So if you don't lak geev de girl on wan poor habitant, + Dat's be mese'f, I say, Bonsoir, mon cher M'sieur Gourdon." + + "Come back, come back," Maxime is shout--"I promise you de girl, + I never see no wan lak you--no never on de worl'! + It's not de nice trick you was play on man dat's gettin' ole, + But do jus' w'at you lak, so long you pull me out de hole." + + "Hooraw! Hooraw!" Den Dominique is pull heem out tout suite + An' Emmeline she's helpin' too for place heem on de feet, + An' affer dat de ole man's tak' de young peep down de stair, + W'ere he is go couche right off, an' dey go on parloir. + + Nex' Sunday morning dey was call by M'sieur le Cure + Get marry soon, an' ole Maxime geev Emmeline away; + Den affer dat dey settle down lak habitant is do, + An' have de mos' fine familee on Village St. Mathieu. + +[Footnote 7: From "The Habitant and Other French Canadian Poems," by +William Henry Drummond. Copyright 1897 by G.P. Putnam's Sons.] + + + + +THE GIRL FROM MERCURY + +AN INTERPLANETARY LOVE STORY + +_Being the Interpretation of Certain Phonic Vibragraphs Recorded by the +Long's Peak Wireless Installation, Now for the First Time Made Public +Through the Courtesy of Professor Caducious, Ph.D., Sometime Secretary +of the Boulder Branch of the Association for the Advancement of +Interplanetary Communication._ + +BY HERMAN KNICKERBOCKER VIELE + + +It is evident that the following logograms form part of a correspondence +between a young lady, formerly of Mercury, and her confidential friend +still resident upon the inferior planet. The translator has thought it +best to preserve, as far as possible, the spirit of the original by the +employment of mundane colloquialisms; the result, in spite of many +regrettable trivialities, will, it is believed, be of interest to +students of Cosmic Sociology. + + +THE FIRST RECORD + +Yes, dear, it's me. I'm down here on the Earth and in our Settlement +House, safe and sound. I meant to have called you up before, but really +this is the first moment I have had to myself all day.--Yes, of course, +I said "all day." You know very well they have days and nights here, +because this restless little planet spins, or something of the sort.--I +haven't the least idea why it does so, and I don't care.--I did not +come here to make intelligent observations like a dowdy "Seeing Saturn" +tourist. So don't be Uranian. Try to exercise intuitive perception if I +say anything you can't understand.--What is that?--Please concentrate a +little harder.--Oh! Yes, I have seen a lot of human beings already, and +would you believe it? some of them seem almost possible--especially +_one_.--But I will come to that one later. I've got so much to tell you +all at once I scarcely know where to begin.--Yes, dear, the One happens +to be a man. You would not have me discriminate, would you, when our +object is to bring whatever happiness we can to those less fortunate +than ourselves? You know success in slumming depends first of all upon +getting yourself admired, for then the others will want to be like you, +and once thoroughly dissatisfied with themselves they are almost certain +to reform. Of course I am only a visitor here, and shall not stay long +enough to take up serious work, so Ooma says I may as well proceed along +the line of least resistance.--If you remember Ooma's enthusiasm when +she ran the Board of Missions to Inferior Planets, you can fancy her now +that she has an opportunity to carry out all her theories. Oh, she's +great! + +My transmigration was disappointing as an experience. It was nothing +more than going to sleep and dreaming about circles--orange circles, +yellow circles, with a thousand others of graduated shades between, and +so on through the spectrum till you pass absolute green and get a tone +or two toward blue and strike the Earth color-note. Then with me +everything got jumbled together and seemed about to take new shapes, and +I woke up in the most commonplace manner and opened my eyes to find +myself externalized in our Earth Settlement House with Ooma laughing at +me. + +"Don't stir!" she cried. "Don't lift a finger till we are sure your +specific gravity is all right." And then she pinched me to see if I was +dense enough, because the atmosphere is heavier or lighter or something +here than with us. + +I reminded her that matter everywhere must maintain an absolute +equilibrium with its environment, but she protested. + +"That's well enough in theory; you must understand that the Earth is +awfully out of tune at present, and sometimes it requires time to +readjust ourselves to its conditions." + +--I did not say so, but I fancy Ooma may have been undergoing +readjustment.--My dear, she has grown as pudgy as a Jupitan, and her +clothes--but then she always did look more like a spiral nebula than +anything else. + +(_The record here becomes unintelligible by reason of the passage of a +thunderstorm above the summit of Long's Peak._) + +--There must be star-dust in the ether.--I never had to concentrate so +hard before.--That's all about the Settlement House, and don't accuse me +again of slighting details. I'm sure you know the place now as well as +Ooma herself, so I can go on to tell what little I have learned about +human beings. + +It seems I am never to admit that I was not born on Earth, for, like all +provincials, the humans pride themselves on disbelieving everything +beyond their own experience, and if they understood they would be +certain to resent intrusions from another planet. I'm sure I don't blame +them altogether when I recall those patronizing Jupitans.--And I'm told +they are awfully jealous and distrustful even of one another, herding +together for protection and governed by so many funny little tribal +codes that what is right on one side of an imaginary boundary may be +wrong on the other.--Ooma considers this survival of the group-soul most +interesting, and intends to make it the subject of a paper. I mention it +only to explain why we call our Settlement a Boarding-House. A +Boarding-House, you must know, is fundamentally a hunting pack +which one can affiliate with or separate from at will.--Rather a +pale yellow idea, isn't it? Ooma thinks it necessary to conform +to it in order to be considered respectable, which is the one thing +on Earth most desired.--What, dear?--Oh, I don't know what it means +to be respectable any more than you do.--One thing more. You'll have +to draw on your imagination! Ooma is called here Mrs. Bloomer.--Her own +name was just a little too unearthly. Mrs. signifies that a woman is +married.--What?--Oh, no, no, no, nothing of the sort.--But I shall have +to leave that for another time. I'm not at all sure how it is myself. + +By the way, if _any one_ should ask you where I am, just say I've left +the planet, and you don't know when I shall be back.--Yes, you know who +I mean.--And, dear, perhaps you might drop a hint that I detest all +foreigners, especially Jupitans.--Please don't laugh so hard; you'll get +the atmospheric molecules all woozy.--Indeed, there's not the slightest +danger here. Just fancy, if you please, beings who don't know when they +are hungry without consulting a wretched little mechanism, and who +measure their radius of conception by the length of their own feet.--Of +course I shall be on hand for the Solstice! I wouldn't miss that for an +asteroid!--Oh, did I really promise that? Well, I'll tell you about hi-m +another time. + + +THE SECOND RECORD + +THOUGH PROBABLY THIRD COMMUNICATION + +--I really must not waste so much gray matter, dear, over unimportant +details. But I simply had to tell you all about my struggles with the +clothes. When Ooma came back, just as I had mastered them with the aid +of her diagrams, the dear thing was so much pleased she actually hugged +me, and I must confess the effect made me forget my discomfort. Really, +an Earth girl is not so much to be pitied if she has becoming dresses to +wear. As you may be sure I was anxious to compare myself with others, I +was glad enough to hear Ooma suggest going out. + +"Come on," she said, executively, "I have only a half-hour to devote to +your first walk. Keep close beside me, and remember on no account to +either dance or sing." + +"But if I see others dancing may I not join them?" I inquired. + +"You won't see anybody dancing on Broadway," she replied, a trifle +snubbily, but I resolved to escape from her as soon as possible and find +out for myself. + +I shall never forget my shock on discovering the sky blue instead of the +color it should be, but soon my eyes became accustomed to the change. In +fact, I have not since that first moment been able to conceive of the +sky as anything but blue. And the city?--Oh, my dear, my dear, I never +expected to encounter anything so much out of key with the essential +euphonies. Of course I have not traveled very much, but I should say +there is nothing in the universe like a street they call +Broadway--unless it be upon the lesser satellite of Mars, where the poor +people are so awfully cramped for space. When I suggested this to Ooma +she laughed and called me clever, for it seems there is a tradition +that a mob of meddling Martians once stopped on Earth long enough to +give the foolish humans false ideas about architecture and many other +matters. But I soon forgot everything in my interest in the people. Such +a poor puzzle-headed lot they are. One's heart goes out to them at once +as they push and jostle one another this way and that, with no +conceivable object other than to get anywhere but where they are in the +shortest time possible. One longs to help them; to call a halt upon +their senseless struggles; to reason with them and explain how all the +psychic force they waste might, if exerted in constructive thought, +bring everything they wish to pass. Mrs. Bloomer assures me they only +ridicule those who venture to interfere, and it will take at least a +Saturn century to so much as start them in the right direction. Our +settlement is their only hope, she says, and even we can help them only +indirectly. + +Not long ago, it appears, they had to choose a King or Mayor, or +whatever the creature is called who executes their silly laws, and our +people so manipulated the election that the choice fell on one of us. + +I thought this a really good idea, and supposed, of course, we must at +once have set about demonstrating how a planet should be managed. But +no! that was not our system, if you please. Instead of making proper +laws our agent misbehaved himself in every way the committee could +suggest, until at last the humans rose against him and put one of +themselves in his place, and after that things went just a little better +than before. This is the only way in which they can be taught. But, dear +me, isn't it tedious? + +Of course, I soon grew anxious for an exchange of thought with almost +any one, but it was a long while before I discovered a single person who +was not in a violent hurry. At last, however, we came upon a human +drawn apart a little from the throng, who stood with folded arms, +engaged apparently in lofty meditation. His countenance was amiable, +although a little red. + +Saying nothing to Ooma of my purpose, I slipped away from her, and +looking up into the creature's eyes inquired mentally the subject of his +thoughts; also, how he came to be so inordinately stout, and why he wore +bright metal buttons on his garment. But my only answer was a stupid +blink, for his mentality seemed absolutely incapable of receiving +suggestions not expressed in sounds. I observed farther that his aura +inclined too much toward violet for perfect equipoise. + +"G'wan out of this, and quit yer foolin'," he remarked, missing my +meaning altogether. + +Of course I spoke then, using the human speech quite glibly for a first +attempt, and hastened to assure him that though I had no idea of +fooling, I should not go on until my curiosity had been satisfied. But +just then Ooma found me. + +"My friend is a stranger," she explained to the brass-buttoned man. + +"Then why don't you put a string to her?" he asked. + +I learned later that I had been addressing one of the public jesters +employed by the community to keep Broadway from becoming intolerably +dull. + +"But you must not speak to people in the street," said Ooma, "not even +to policemen." + +"Then how am I to brighten others' lives?" I asked, more than a little +disappointed, for several humans hurrying past had turned upon me looks +indicating moods receptive of all the brightening I could give. + +I might have amused myself indefinitely, studying the rapid succession +of varying faces, had not Bloomer cautioned me not to stare. She said +people would think me from the country, which is considered +discreditable, and as this reminded me that I had as yet seen nothing +growing, I asked to be shown the gardens and groves. + +"There is one," she said, indicating an open space not far away, where +sure enough there stood some wretched looking trees which I had not +recognized before, forgetting that, of course, leaves here must be +green. I saw no flowers growing, but presently we came upon some in a +sort of crystal bower guarded by a powerful black person. I wanted so to +ask him how he came to be black, but the memory of my last attempt at +information deterred me. Instead, I inquired if I might have some roses. + +"Walk in, Miss," he replied most civilly, and in I walked through the +door, past the sweetest little embryonic, who wore the vesture of a +young policeman. + +"Boy," I said, "have you begun to realize your soul?" + +"Nope," he replied. "I ain't in fractions yet." + +--Some stage of earthly progress, I suppose, though I did not like a +certain movement of his eyelid, and one never can tell, you know, how +hard embryonics are really striving. So I made haste to gather all the +roses I could carry, and was about to hurry after Ooma, when a person +barred my way. + +"Hold on!" he cried. "Ain't you forgetting something? Why don't you take +the whole lot?" + +"Because I have all I want for the present," I answered, rather +frightened, perceiving that his aura had grown livid, and I don't know +how I could have soothed him had not Ooma once more come to my relief. I +could see that she was annoyed with me, but she controlled herself and +placed some token in the being's hand which acted on his agitation like +a charm. + +As I told you, Bloomer had given me with the other things, a crown of +artificial roses which, now that I had real flowers to wear, I wanted to +throw away, but this she would not permit, insisting that such a +proceeding would make the humans laugh at me--though to look into their +serious faces one would not believe this possible. The thoughts of those +about me, as I divined them, seemed anything but jocular. They came to +me incoherent and inconsecutive, a jumble of conditional premises +leading to approximate conclusions expressed in symbols having no +intrinsic meaning.--Of course, it is unfair to judge too soon, but I +have already begun to doubt the existence of direct perception among +them.--What did you say, dear?--Bother direct perception?--Well, I +wonder how _we_ should like to apprehend nothing that could not be put +into words? You, I'm sure, would have the most confused ideas about +Earthly conditions if you depended entirely upon my remarks.--Now +concentrate, and you shall hear something really interesting. + +--No, not the One yet.--He comes later.-- + +We had not gone far, I carrying my roses, and Bloomer not too well +pleased, as I fancied, because so many people turned to look at us +(Bloomer has retrograded physically until she is at times almost +Uranian, probably as the result of wearing black, which appears to be +the chromatic equivalent of respectability), when suddenly I became +sensible of a familiar influence, which was quite startling because so +unexpected. Looking everywhere, I caught sight of--who do you suppose? +Our old friend Tuk.--Mr. Tuck, T-u-c-k here, if you please. He was about +to enter a--a means of transportation, and though his back was towards +me, I recognized that drab aura of his at once, and projected a +reactionary impulse which was most effective. + +In his surprise he was for the moment in danger of being trampled upon +by a rapidly moving animal.--Yes, dear, I said "animal."--I don't know +and I don't consider it at all important. I do not pretend to be +familiar with mundane zooelogy.--Tuck declared himself delighted to see +me, and so I believe he was, though he controlled his radiations in the +supercilious way he always had. But upon one point he did not leave me +long in doubt. Externally, at least, my Earthly Ego is a-- + +(NOTE: _The word which signifies a species of peach or nectarine +peculiar to the planet Mercury is doubtless used here in a symbolic +sense._) + +--I caught on to that most interesting fact the moment his eyes rested +on me. + +"By all that's fair to look upon!" he cried, jumping about in a manner +human people think eccentric, "are you astral or actualized?" + +"See for yourself," I said, holding out my hand, which it took him +rather longer than necessary to make sure of. + +"Well, what on Earth brings you here? Come down to paint another planet +red?" he rattled on, believing himself amusing. + +"Now haven't I as much right to light on Earth as on any other bit of +cosmic dust?" I asked, laughing and forgetting how much snubbing he +requires in the delight of seeing any one I knew. + +Then he insisted that I had a "date" with him.--A date, as I discovered +later, means something nice to eat--and hinted very broadly that Bloomer +need not wait if she had more important matters to attend to. I must +confess she did not seem at all sorry to have me taken off her hands, +for after cautioning me to beware of a number of things I did not so +much as know by name, she shot off like a respectable old aerolite with +a black trail streaming out behind. If she remains here much longer she +will be coming back upon a mission to reform _us_. As for Tuck, he +became insufferably patronizing at once. + +"Well, how do you like the Only Planet? and how do you like the Only +Town? and how do you like the Only Street?" he began, waving his hands +and looking about him as though there were anything here that one of +_us_ could admire. But, of course, I refused to gratify him with my +crude impressions. I simply said: + +"You appear very well pleased with them yourself." + +"And so will you be," he replied, "when you have realized their +possibilities. Remark that elderly entity across the street. I have to +but exert my will that he shall sneeze and drop his eyeglasses, and +behold, there they go."--Yes, my dear, eyeglasses. They are worn on the +nose by people who imagine they can not see very well. + +"I consider such actions cruel and unkind," I said, at the same time +willing an embryonic girl to pick the glasses up, and though the child +was rather beyond my normal circle, I was delighted to see her obey. But +I have an idea Tuck regretted an experiment which taught me something I +might not have found out, at least for a while. + +I had now been on Earth several hours, and change of atmosphere gives +one a ravenous appetite. You see, I had forgotten to ask Ooma how, and +how often, humans ate, so when Tuck suggested breakfast as a form of +entertainment I put myself in sympathy with the idea at once. Besides it +is most important to know just where to find the things you want, and +you may be sure I made a lot of mental notes when we came, as presently +we did, to a tower called Astoria. + +I understand that the upper portions of the edifice are used for study +of the Stars, but we were made welcome on the lower story by a stately +being, who conducted us to honorable seats in an inner court. There were +small trees growing here, green, of course, but rather pretty for all +that; the people, gathered under their shade in little groups, were much +more cheerful and sustaining than any I had seen so far, and an +elemental intelligence detailed to minister to our wants seemed +well-trained and docile. + +"Here you have a glimpse of High Life," announced Tuck, when he had +written something on a paper. + +"The Higher Life?" I inquired, eagerly, and I did not like the flippant +tone in which he answered: + +"No, not quite--just high enough." + +I was beginning to be so bored by his conceit and self-complacency that +I cast my eyes about and smiled at several pleasant-looking persons, who +returned the smile and nodded in a friendly fashion, till I could +perceive Tuck's aura bristle and turn greenish-brown. + +"You can't possibly see any one you know here," he protested, crossly. + +"All the better reason why I should reach out in search of affinities," +I retorted. But after that, though I was careful to keep my eyes lowered +most of the time, I resolved to come some day to the Astoria alone and +smile at every one I liked. I don't believe I should ever know a human +if Tuck could have his way. + +Presently the elemental brought us delicious things, and while we ate +them Tuck talked about himself. It appears he has produced an opera here +which is a success. People throng to hear it and consider him a great +composer. At all of which, you may believe, I was astonished--just fancy +our Tuk posing as a genius!--but presently when he became elated by the +theme and hummed a bar or two, I understood. The wretch had simply +actualized a few essential harmonies--and done it very badly. I see now +why he likes so much being here, and understand why his associates are +almost altogether human. I don't remember ever meeting with such deceit +and effrontery before. I was so indignant that I could feel my astral +fingers tremble. I could not bear to look at him, and as by that time I +had eaten all I could, I rose and walked directly from the court without +another word. I am sure he would have pursued me had not the elemental, +divining my wish to escape, detained him forcibly. + +Once in the street again, I immediately hypnotized an old lady, willing +her to go direct to Bloomer's Boarding-House while I followed behind. It +may not have been convenient for her, I am afraid, but I knew of no +other way to get back.--Dear me, the light is growing dim, and I must be +dressing for the evening. Good-by!--By the way, I forgot to tell you +something else that happened--remind me of it next time! + + +THE THIRD RECORD + +--Yes, I remember, and you shall hear all about it before I describe an +evening at the Settlement, but it don't amount to much.--I told you how +cross and over-bearing Tuck was at the Astoria tower, and of the mean +way in which he restricted my observations. Well, of all the people in +the grove that day there was only one whom I could see without being +criticized, and he sat all alone and facing me, just behind Tuck's back. +Some green leaves hung between us, and whenever I moved my head to note +what he was doing he moved his, too, to look at me. He seemed so lonely +that I was sorry for him, but his atmosphere showed him to be neither +sullen nor Uranian, and I could not help it if I was just a little bit +responsive. Besides, Tuck, once on the subject of his opera, grew so +self-engrossed and dominant that one had either to assert one's own +mentality or become subjective. + +--No, dear, that is not the _only_ reason. There may be such a thing as +an isolated reason, but I have never met one--they always go in packs. I +confess to a feeling of interest in the stranger. Nobody can look at you +with round blue eyes for half an hour steadily without exercising some +attraction, either positive or negative, and I felt, too, that he was +trying to tell me something which would have been a great deal more +interesting than Tuck's opera, and I believe had I remained a little +longer we could have understood each other between the trees just as you +and I can understand each other across the intervals of space. But then +it is so easy to be mistaken.--I had to pass quite close to him in going +out, and I am not sure I did not drop a rose. + +--There may be just a weenie little bit more about the Astorian, but +that will come in its proper place. Now I must get on to the +evening.--It was not much of an occasion, merely the usual gathering of +our crowd, or rather of those of us who have no special assignment for +the time in the large Council Room I have described to you. + +The President of the Board of Control at present is Marlow, Marlow the +Great, as he is called, the painter whose pictures did so much to +elevate the Patagonians.--No, dear, I never heard of Patagonia before, +but I'm almost sure it's not a planet.--With Marlow came a Mrs. Mopes, +who is engaged in creating schools of fiction by writing stories under +different names and then reviewing them in her own seven magazines. +Next, taking the guests at random, was Baxter, a deadly person in his +human incarnation, whose business it is to make stocks fly up or tumble +down.--I don't know what stocks are, but they must be something very +easily frightened.--Then there was a Mr. Waller, nicknamed the Reverend, +whom the Council allows to speak the truth occasionally, while the rest +of the time he tells people anything they want to hear to win their +confidence. And the two Miss Dooleys who sing so badly that thousands +who can not sing at all leave off singing altogether when they once hear +them. And Mr. Flick, who misbehaves at funerals to distract mourners +from their grief, and a Mr. O'Brien, whose duty it is to fly into +violent passions in public places just to show how unbecoming temper is. + +There were many others, so many I can not begin to enumerate them. Some +had written books and were known all over the planet, and some who were +not known at all had done things because there was nobody else to do +them. And some were singers and some were actors, and some were rich and +some were poor to the outside world, but in the Council Room they met +and laughed and matched experiences and made jokes; from the one who had +built a battle ship so terrible that all the other ships were burnt on +condition that his should be also, to the ordinary helpers who applaud +stupid plays till intelligent human beings become thoroughly disgusted +with bad art. + +In the world, of course, they are all serious enough, and often know +each other only by secret signs, while every day and night and minute +our poor earth-brothers come a little nearer the light--pushed toward +it, pulled toward it, wheedled and trickled and bullied and coaxed, and +thinking all the while how immensely clever they are, and what a +wonderful progressive, glorious age they have brought about for +themselves.--At all events, this is the rather vague composite +impression I have received of the plans and purposes of the Board of +Directors, and doubtless it is wrong. + +I suppose with a little trouble I might have recognized nearly every +one, but the fancy took me to suspend intuition just to see how Earth +girls feel, and you know when one is hearing a lot of pleasant things +one does not much care who happens to be saying them. + +I fancy Marlow thought less of me when I confessed that I am here only +for the lark, and really do not care a meteor whether the planet is ever +elevated or not. But he is a charming old fellow all the same, and the +only one of the lot who has not grown the least bit smudgy. + +Marlow announced that the evening would be spent in harmony with the +vibrations of Orion, and set us all at work to get in touch. I love +Orion light myself, for none other suits my aura quite so well, and I +was glad to find they had not taken up the Vega fad.--The light here? My +dear, it is not even filtered.--Some of us, no doubt for want of +practice, were rather slow about perfecting, but finally we all caught +on, and when O'Brien, no longer fat and florid, and the elder Miss +Dooley, no longer scrawny, moved out to start the dance, there was only +one who had not assumed an astral personality. Poor fellow, though I +pitied him, I did admire his spunk in holding back. It seems that as an +editor he took to telling falsehoods on his own account so often that +the Syndicate is packing him off as Special Correspondent to a tailless +comet. + +Tuck never came at all; either he realizes how honest people must regard +him and his opera, or else the elementals at the Astoria are still +detaining him. + +We had a lovely dance, and while we rested Marlow called on some of us +for specialties. Mrs. Mopes did a paragraph by a man named Henry James, +translated into action, which seemed quite difficult, and then a person +called Parker externalized a violin and gave the Laocoon in terms of +sound. To me his rendering of marble resembled terra-cotta until I +learned that the copy of the statue here is awfully weatherstained. +After this three pretty girls gave the Aurora Borealis by telepathic +suggestion rather well, and then I sang "Love Lives Everywhere"--just +plain so. + +--I know this must all sound dreadfully flat to you, quite like +"Pastimes for the Rainy Season in Neptune," but Bloomer says she doesn't +know what would happen if we should ever give a really characteristic +jolly party. + +We wound up with an Earth dance called the Virginia Reel, the quickest +means you ever saw for descending to a lower psychic plane. That's all I +have to tell, and quite enough, I'm sure you'll think.--What? The +Astorian? I have not seen him since.--But there is a little more, a very +little, if you are not tired.--This morning I received a gift of roses, +just like the one I dropped yesterday, brought me by the same small +embryonic I had seen in the flower shop. I asked the child in whose +intelligence the impulse had originated, and he replied: + +"A blue-eyed feller with a mustache, but he gave me a plunk not to +tell." + +I understood a plunk to be a token of confidence, and I at once +expressed displeasure at the boy's betrayal of his trust. I told him +such an act would make dark lines upon his aura which might not fade for +several days. + +"Say, ain't you got some message to send back?" he asked. + +"Boy!" said I, "don't forget your little aura." + +"All right," he answered, "I'll tell him 'Don't forget your little +aura.' I'll bet he coughs up another plunk." + +I don't know what he meant, but I am very much afraid there may be some +mistake.--Oh, yes, I am quite sure to be back in time for the +Solstice.--Or at least for the Eclipse. + + +THE FOURTH RECORD + +(NOTE: _Between this logogram and the last the Long's Peak Receptive +Pulsator was unfortunately not in operation for the space of a +fortnight, as the electrician who took the instrument apart for +adjustment found it necessary to return to Denver for oil._) + +--Yes, dear, it's me, though if I did not know personality to be +indestructible I should begin to have my doubts. I have not made any +more mistakes, that is, not any bad ones, since I went to the Astoria +alone for lunch, and the elementals were so very disagreeable just +because I had no money. I know all about money now, except exactly how +you get it, and Tuck assures me that is really of no importance. I never +told Ooma how the blue-eyed Astorian paid my bill for me, and her +perceptive faculties have grown too dull to apprehend a thing she is not +told. Fresh roses still come regularly every day, and of course I can do +no less than express my gratitude now and then.--Oh, I don't know how +often, I don't remember.--But it is ever so much pleasanter to have some +one you like to show you the way about than to depend on hypnotizing +strangers, who may have something else to do. + +--I told you last week about the picnic, did I not? The day, I mean, +when Bloomer took me into the country, and Tuck so far forgave my +rudeness to him as to come with us to carry the basket.--Oh, yes, +indeed, I am becoming thoroughly domesticated on Earth. And, my dear, +these humans are docility itself when you once acquire the knack of +making them do exactly as you wish, which is as easy as falling off a +log.--A _log_ is the external evidence of a pre-existent tree, +cylindrical in form, and though often sticky, not sufficiently so to be +adhesive. + +--That picnic was so pleasant--or would have been but for Bloomer's +anxiety that I should behave myself, and Tuck's anxiety that I should +not--that I determined to have another all by myself--and I have had it. + +I traveled to the same little dell I described before, and I put my feet +in the water just as I wasn't allowed to do the other day. And I built a +fire and almost cooked an egg and ate cake (an egg is the bud of a bird, +and cake is edible poetry) sitting on a fence.--Fences grow horizontally +and have no leaves.--Don't ask so many questions! + +After a while, however, I became tired of being alone, so I started off +across some beautiful green meadows toward a hillside, where I had +observed a human walking about and waving a forked wand. He proved the +strangest-looking being I have met with yet, more like those wild and +woolly space-dwellers who tumbled out when that tramp comet bumped +against our second moon. But he was a considerate person, for when he +saw me coming and divined that I should be tired, he piled up a quantity +of delicious-scented herbage for me to sit on. + +"Good morning, mister," I said, plumping myself down upon the mound he +had made, and he, being much more impressionable than you would suppose +from his Uranian appearance, replied: + +"I swan, I like your cheek." + +"It's a pleasant day," I said, because one is always expected to +announce some result of observation of the atmosphere. It shows at once +whether or not one is an idiot. + +"I call it pretty danged hot," he returned, intelligently. + +"Then why don't you get out of the sun?" I suggested, more to keep the +conversation fluid than because I cared a bit. + +"I'm a-goin' to," he answered, "just as soon as that goll-darned wagon +comes." (A "goll-darned" wagon is, I think, a wagon without springs.) + +"What are you going to do then?" I asked, beginning to fear I should be +left alone again after all my trouble. + +"Goin' home to dinner," he replied, and I at once said I would go with +him.--You see, I had placed a little too much reliance on the egg. + +"I dunno about that, but I guess it will be all right," he urged, +hospitably, and presently the goll-darned wagon arrived with another +man, who turned out to be the first one's son and who looked as though +he bit. + +Together the two threw all the herbage into the wagon till it was heaped +far above their heads. + +"How am I ever to get up?" I asked, for I had no idea of walking any +farther, and I could see the man's white house ever so far away. + +"Who said you was goin' to get up at all?" inquired the biter, +disagreeably, but the other answered for me. + +"I said it, that's who, you consarned jay," he announced, reprovingly. + +When I had made them both climb up first and give me each a hand, I had +no difficulty at all in mounting, but I was very careful not to thank +the Jay, which seemed to make him more morose than ever. Then they slid +down again, and off we started. + +Once when we came to some lovely blue flowers growing in water near the +roadside I told the Jay to stop and wade in and pick them for me. + +"I'll be dogged if I do," he answered; so I said: + +"I don't know what being 'dogged' means, but if it is a reward for being +nice and kind and polite, I hope you will be." + +Whereupon he bit at me once and waded in, while the other man, whose +name, it seems, was Pop, sat down upon a stone and laughed. + +"Gosh! If this don't beat the cats," he said, slapping his knee, which +was his way of making himself laugh harder. + +I put the flowers in my hair and in my belt and wherever I could stick +them. But there was still a lot left over, and whenever we met people I +threw them some, which appeared to please Pop, but made the Jay still +more bite-y. + +Presently we came to a very narrow place and there, as luck would have +it, we met an automobile.--Thank goodness, I need not explain +automobile.--And who should be at the lever all alone but--the Astorian. + +I recognized him instantly, and he recognized me, which was, I suppose, +his reason for forgetting to stop till he had nearly run us down. In a +moment we were in the wildest tangle, though nothing need have happened +had not the Jay completely lost his temper. + +"Hang your picture!" he called out, savagely, "What do you want?--The +Earth?" + +And with that he struck the animals--the wagon was not +self-propelling--a violent blow, and they sprang forward with a lurch +which made the hay begin to slip. I tried to save myself, but there was +nothing to catch hold of, so off I slid and--oh, my dear, my dear, just +fancy it!--I landed directly in his lap.--No, not the Jay's.--Of course, +I stayed there as short a time as possible, for he was very nice about +moving up to make room for me on the seat, but I am afraid it did seem +frightfully informal just at first. + +"It was all the fault of that consarned Jay," I explained, as soon as I +had recovered my composure, "and I shall never ride in his goll-darned +wagon again." + +"I sincerely hope you will not," replied Astoria, looking at me with the +most curious expression. "It would be much better to let me take you +wherever you wish to go." + +"That's awfully kind of you," I said, "but I don't care to go anywhere +in particular this afternoon, except as far as possible from that +objectionable young man." + +The Astorian did not speak again till he had turned something in the +machine to make it back and jerk, and, once free from the upset hay, go +on again. + +"Say, Sissy, I thought you was comin' to take dinner," Pop called out +from under the wagon, where he had crawled for safety, and when I +replied as nicely as I could, "No, thank you, not to-day," he said +again, quite sadly as I thought, "Gosh blim me, if that don't beat the +cats!" and also several other things I could not hear because we were +moving away so rapidly. + +When we had gone about a hundred miles--or yards, or inches, whichever +it was--the Astorian, who had been sitting very straight, inquired if +those gentlemen--meaning Pop and Jay--were near relatives. + +I showed him plainly that I thought his question Uranian, and explained +that I had not a relative on Earth. Then I told him exactly how I had +come to be with them, and about my picnic and the egg. I am afraid I did +not take great pains to make the story very clear, for it was such fun +to perplex him. He is not at all like the Venus people, who have become +so superlatively clever that they are always bored to death. + +"Were you surprised to see me flying through the air?" I asked. + +"Oh, no," he said; "I have always thought of you as coming to Earth in +some such way from some far-distant planet." + +"Oh, then, you know!" I gasped. + +The Astorian laughed. + +"I know you are the one perfect being in the world, and that is quite +enough," he said, and I saw at once that whatever he had guessed about +me he knew nothing at all of the Settlement. + +"Miss Aura," he went on,--he has called me that ever since that little +embryonic made his stupid blunder, and I have not corrected him--here it +is almost necessary to have some sort of a name--"Miss Aura, don't you +think we have been mere acquaintances long enough? I'm only human--" + +"Yes, of course," I interrupted, "but then that is not your fault--" + +"I'm glad you look upon my misfortune so charitably," he said, a trifle +more puzzled than usual, as I fancied. + +"It is my duty," I replied. "I want to elevate you; to brighten your +existence." + +"My Aura!" he whispered; and I was not quite sure whether he meant me or +not. + +We were moving rapidly along the broad road beside a river. There were +hills in the distance and the air from them was in the key of the +Pleiades. There were gardens everywhere full of sunlight translated into +flowers, and without an effort one divined the harmony of growing +things. I felt that something was about to happen; I knew it, but I did +not care to ask what it might be. Perhaps if I had tried I could not +have known; perhaps for that hour I was only an Earth girl and could +only know things as they know them, but I did not care. + +We were going faster, faster every moment. + +"Was it you who willed me to come out into the country?" I asked. "Have +you been watching for me and expecting me?" + +We were moving now as clouds that rush across a moon. + +"I think I have been watching for you all my life and willing you to +come," he said, which shows how dreadfully unjust we sometimes are to +humans. + +"While I was on another planet?" I inquired. "While we were millions +and millions of miles apart? Suppose that I had never come to Earth?" + +We were moving like the falling stars one journeys to the Dark +Hemisphere to see. + +"I should have found you all the same," he whispered, half laughing, but +his blue eyes glistened. "I do not think that space itself could +separate us." + +"Oh, do you realize that?" I asked, "and do you really know?" + +"I know I have you with me now," he said, "and that is all I care to +know." + +We were flying now, flying as comets fly to perihelion. The world about +was slipping from us, disintegrating and dissolving into cosmic thoughts +expressed in color. Only his eyes were actual, and the blue hills far +away, and the wind from them in the key of the Pleiades. + +"There shall never any more be time or space for us," he said. + +"But," I protested, "we must not overlook the fundamental facts." + +"In all the universe there is just one fact," he cried, catching my hand +in his, and then-- + +(NOTE: _Here a portion of the logogram becomes indecipherable, owing, +perhaps, to the passage of some large bird across the line of +projection. What follows is the last recorded vibragraph to date._) + +--Yes, dear, I know I should have been more circumspect. I should have +remembered my position, but I didn't. And that's why I'm engaged to be +married.--You have to here, when you reach a certain point--I know you +will think it a great come-down for one of us, but after all do we not +owe something to our sister planets?-- + + + + +THE HEALTH-CARE OF THE BABY + +By LOUIS FISCHER, M.D. + + +"THE HEALTH-CARE OF THE BABY" is a book that should be in the hands of +every mother and nurse. Every mother should be acquainted with those +ills that are common to babies. She should know what to do when a doctor +can not be had readily; while traveling, for instance. In this book Dr. +Fischer, and he has had wide experience in the treatment of children, +gives suggestions and advice for feeding the infant in health, and when +the stomach and bowels are out of order. The book also tells how to +manage a fever, and is a guide to measles, croup, skin diseases and +other ailments. It tells what to do in case of accidents, poisons, etc. +The correction of bad habits and the treatment of rashes are given +careful consideration. + + "This book will be found of great assistance to mothers generally, + dealing with a subject of great interest to the new, as well as to + the old mother. Teething is properly rid of its horrors by positive + statements that it is a normal process entirely. The chapter on + Infant Feeding is very practical and thorough. We commend the book + to all mothers."--_Monthly Journal of Medicine and Surgery_, + Louisville. + +_12mo, Cloth. 75 cents, net; by mail, 83 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers +NEW YORK AND LONDON + + + + +THE CARE AND TRAINING OF CHILDREN + +By LE GRAND KERR, M.D. + + +No two children are exactly alike; not even those of the same family +with hereditary influences, environment, and economic conditions the +same. Their temperaments, their ambitions, their ideas of life, it will +be noted, are widely different. For committing a wrong act one child +needs punishment, while on a like occasion another child needs advice. +To bring up their children so that they will be vigorous, noble men and +women is the most perplexing problem that confronts mothers and fathers +to-day. Dr. Kerr, from his close association with children, is well +qualified to enlighten parents on these difficulties. In this book he +has given thorough treatment to the training of children, hygiene, +physique, mentality, and morality. After one has read the book there +seems to be no phase of the question that has not been covered. The +young parent will find it a wonderful aid; the elder parents will want +to pass it on to their children. + +_12mo, Cloth. 75 cents, net; by mail, 84 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers + +NEW YORK AND LONDON + + + + +CHILD TRAINING AS AN EXACT SCIENCE + +_By George W. 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Stockholm has long maintained a Royal +Gymnastic Institute, where it has been taught with ever increasing +efficiency since 1813. The system has met with great popularity and has +proved adaptable as a home-culture course. The object of this work is to +enable any one to put into practise the principles on which sound +physical health may be gained and maintained. + + "A marvelous amount of information of a most practical + character."--_New York Sun._ + + "A practical handbook for home use."--_Detroit Times._ + + "This little book is thoroughly commendable."--_Chicago + Record-Herald._ + + "It is a little book of great value, and will undoubtedly be useful + in the schools and to business and professional persons."-_Salt + Lake Tribune._ + +_12mo, Cloth, 50 cents, net; by mail, 54 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers +NEW YORK AND LONDON + + + + +_A New Book Dedicated to All Girls Whose Ambition Is to Lead a Happy, +Healthful, Useful Life._ + +Health and Happiness + +A MESSAGE TO GIRLS. + +By ELIZA M. MOSHER, M.D. + + +This new book consists of a dozen letters which deal in a fundamental +and very original way with habits of posture, good and bad, and their +influence upon the body; with efficiency through an understanding of the +needs of the body in relation to foods, and the removal of waste; the +care of the skin; and the offices of clothing. + +Very simply and clearly the structure and functions of the nervous +system are given as a basis for important suggestions regarding its care +from infancy to womanhood. Explicit teaching is given regarding the care +girls need to give themselves during high school and college years if +they wish to keep as well and strong as they ought to be. 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Average carriage charges 8 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers +NEW YORK and LONDON + + + + +Exercises for Women + + +Most women are very definitely in need of some sort of simple and +suitable exercise that can be done in the home, without apparatus, if +necessary. + +This new book by Florence Bolton, A.B., formerly Director of Women's +Gymnasium, Stanford University, outlines and pictures an excellent +series of plain, practical exercises, adapted to meet the peculiar +requirements of women. + +The combination of different exercises includes many for reducing flesh; +and others bound to result in the securing and preservation of a full, +rounded, graceful figure. + +_For Every Woman Everywhere Who Desires PHYSICAL GRACE, and POWER and +the mental satisfaction consequent upon both._ + +The book should be useful to physicians in prescribing exercises for +their patients, to teachers of gymnastics for class and private work, to +the college woman who has left gymnasium days behind, and to EVERY +WOMAN, EVERYWHERE who desires PHYSICAL GRACE, and POWER. + +HAS DONE HER SEX GOOD SERVICE + + "Florence Bolton ... has done her sex good service in this terse, + well-arranged little volume. The directions for specific exercises, + mainly of the 'mat' order, are well detailed, and fitting + illustrations simplify their use."--_The Record-Herald_, Chicago, + Ill. + +_12mo, Cloth. Numerous half-tones and diagrams, outlining the movements. +$1.00, net. Average carriage charges 8 cents._ + +FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers +NEW YORK and LONDON + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Wit and Humor of America, Volume +IV. 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