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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Christmas Story, by Samuel W. Francis
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Christmas Story
+       Man in His Element: or, A New Way to Keep House
+
+Author: Samuel W. Francis
+
+Release Date: July 6, 2006 [EBook #18770]
+[Date last updated: July 8, 2006]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A CHRISTMAS STORY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Curtis Weyant, Martin Pettit and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images produced by the Wright
+American Fiction Project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's note: Irregularities in punctuation which were present
+in the original have been corrected. Variants such as would'nt/wouldn't,
+could'nt/couldn't, was'nt/wasn't, have been retained.]
+
+
+                                 A
+
+                          CHRISTMAS STORY,
+
+
+                                BY
+
+                       DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS.
+
+
+
+                           PUBLISHED BY
+                         GEORGE H. MATHEWS,
+                      929 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.
+
+                              1867.
+
+
+                        A CHRISTMAS STORY.
+
+                        MAN IN HIS ELEMENT:
+                               OR,
+                      A NEW WAY TO KEEP HOUSE.
+
+                      BY DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS.
+
+
+
+
+PART I.
+
+_A WOMAN'S PLAN._
+
+
+'My dear Mary,' said I, one morning, to my widowed sister, as she sank
+into an arm chair in front of my library fire, and heaved a sigh replete
+with exhaustion and sadness:
+
+'What is the matter?'
+
+'Enough for a woman, William, but of course, nothing for an old bachelor
+like you, who have only to pay your own bills, eat your meals without
+the trouble of ordering them; lounge through a clean house with no
+chasing after servants to sweep and wash and dust; sit in your study,
+heaping log after log on your devoted andirons, and always meeting me
+with such a provoking cheerfulness, while I have not a moment to myself;
+am all the time running to give out stores to one girl; soap and starch
+to another; candles and linen to the chambermaid, and orders to the
+coachman; and, even then, I have no peace; for, no sooner do I sit in
+the nursery, hoping to derive a few minutes comfort from a quiet sew,
+than my ears are filled with the dissatisfaction of one girl; the
+complaints of another; the threatenings to leave of another, and the
+quarrels of all. I declare, William, I think it was too bad in you to
+insist on our leaving that comfortable boarding house, where we lived so
+much cheaper, and had no trouble. It was there, with my small family,
+that I appreciated the freedom from care that you old selfish,
+unsympathizing bachelors enjoy; and no wonder you laugh at us. The fact
+is, you don't know anything about it; you ----'
+
+'My dear Mary,' I repeated, 'you have said enough--I only ask for a few
+minutes to put this matter in a new light, and, in time, you yourself
+will be convinced.'
+
+'That's all very well, William, but what's the use of talking to you
+men. I never convinced one in my life. No sir! man is an animal that
+never acknowledges either that he is wrong, or that a woman is right. I
+tell you, servants are the bane of my existence. You cannot make them
+happy, do what you may. Why, only the other day I gave Jane a nice pair
+of gaiters that I had but partially worn out. She thanked me, and I felt
+pleased that I had done one kind action, though it was a self-denial.
+The very next morning, in coming out of the kitchen, I passed the ash
+barrel, and looked in it to see if the cinders would ever be sifted.
+What do you suppose I saw there, mixed up with lemon peel, tea leaves
+and ashes? My boots, William--the very pair I had given Jane the day
+before.'
+
+'Well what did you do?'
+
+'Do? Why as soon as I could recover I called her to me, and asked why
+she had thrown them there.' She said without any excitement, that was
+the worst of it, 'I couldn't wear them Madam.'
+
+'Why not?' I said.
+
+'They were too large for me.'
+
+'Too large for her, the jade--think of that'--
+
+'Don't say any more, Mary, I understand the case perfectly--and since we
+cannot argue upon the matter just listen to my views (without any
+interruption), in the form of a philosophical lecture. It will be very
+brief but to the point.
+
+'Though I have never kept house, as I am an old man I must have lived
+somewhere all my life. Being possessed of a healthy and observing
+intellect--I have seen and digested much; and it is all easy to my mind.
+I have heard you through as I have heard others through; I have seen
+your sufferings and your trials, as I have seen many, very many suffer
+and endure trials, and I have solved the problem and told it all to my
+segar!'
+
+'Well now that is selfish, William!'
+
+'Not at all my dear sister, what lady would tolerate the slightest
+interference with her housekeeping? How long would you permit me to stay
+here, in financial partnership, if I even offered one word of advice.'
+
+'Oh, how unjust, speak out now and let me hear what you have confided to
+your segar.'
+
+'Well, in the first place, there are two kinds of ways to keep house.
+No. one is to keep your servants; No. two is to be kept by them. Herein
+is the key note of much trouble. Another difficulty is fear. I have been
+perfectly amazed to listen to ladies when asking a waiter to do
+something for them. Just think of it. I heard Mrs. ----, at table the
+other day, turn round and look towards a red headed, uplifted girl, with
+a conciliatory smile and say, 'Betty, would you mind giving me a glass
+of water?'
+
+'Zounds madam, I wanted to scream!--and only last night, while paying a
+visit I heard a lady who rules her elegant husband to within an inch of
+his life, say to the waiter, 'John, please put on your things and muffle
+up well, for it is very cold and do take this note to Mrs. Henry's' and,
+almost with the same breath, she turned on her husband and said,
+'Albert, go down and get that medicine _at once_ for you know I cannot
+retire till I take it--you can see _your_ friend any time,' looking at
+me in a hard manner and then at the clock. 'Now what do you call that?
+That woman has courage to meet her equals and put all things straight;
+but a menial crushes her.'
+
+'Well, of course you don't understand those things, William, but I do.'
+
+'I suppose so, but I don't want to. It is all wrong--all _humbug_, all
+TRASH!' I exclaimed as my excitement knocked the ashes of my segar over
+my clean shirt.
+
+'What would you have us do?' exclaimed Mary, a little nettled at my last
+remark.
+
+'Do?' I replied, with emphasis; 'let the men keep house. Watch them, and
+learn the true method, which has for its motto,
+
+
+     "Maximum of work,
+     Minimum of trouble."'
+
+
+By this time I began to feel anxious.--My sister had gone off into a fit
+of laughter that at first greatly roused my ire, but ultimately
+awakened anxiety, for she could not gain her breath. I rang for a
+servant; of course none came, for she always had to call them. 'They
+were having such a good time down stairs, they could not hear the bell,'
+so I poured out a glass of water, and, while she drank, seized the
+poker; stirred up the dying embers; put on a good back log; lit a large
+and strong Cabana to lend zest to my courage, and prepared to make one
+more effort for victory.
+
+Gradually subsiding into a few occasional chromatic giggles, Mary looked
+through her beautiful eyes, glistening with tears of fun, and said, in a
+smothered whisper,
+
+'Well, and what would you do?'
+
+'Do?' I repeated. 'Let me have the reins for one month, and I will show
+you.'
+
+There! it was out, and I felt relieved.
+
+'But, William,' she whispered, pointing with anxiety to the door which
+stood ajar, 'how long do you suppose they would stay with you?'
+
+'Until they got married or died!' I answered with confidence, and,
+sitting bolt upright, I ran both thumbs under my waistcoat arm-holes and
+played on my chest with my fingers, while I puffed tremendously to
+envelope my countenance with smoke, the better to hide my ill-concealed
+smile.
+
+'You single men are too amusing, my dear brother,' said she, looking
+earnestly into my face and patting my shoulder with an expression of
+pity. 'To convince you that woman's mission is the care of domestic
+matters; and, as I would like a little rest combined with fun, I will
+turn over everything to you, and----'
+
+'Done!' I yelled with delight, and jumping up, I paced up and down the
+library like a prisoner freed from chains.--'Done! Oh! I thank you,
+Mary.'
+
+'Stop, young man,' she said, with assumed severity, 'hear the conditions
+of the bond.'
+
+'Write it down,' I said, in haste, 'and so long as I am to have the
+reins I will sign.'
+
+'Well, sir,' said she, entering with her old accustomed gaiety into the
+subject matter. 'I agree to let you keep house on the following
+conditions:' naming a good many, which I listened to with marked
+interest, and finally condensed into the form of a written contract,
+though no lawyer; for fear, as I told her, she would violate the
+premises. As well as I can remember, for it was many years ago--it ran
+as follows:
+
+'This agreement made this 24th November, 1853, between Mary Walters of
+the city, county and state of New York, being party of the first part,
+and William d'Aubrey of the said city, county and state of New York,
+party of the second part, witnesseth as follows: Said party of the first
+part agrees, covenants and binds herself, heirs and assinines--I mean
+assigns--to surrender, demise and make over all claim, right and title
+to housekeeping, and all matters pertaining to the welfare of household
+economy, whether trivial or special, to the party of the second part;
+moreover delivering up all accounts, keys and inventory of stores now on
+hand, and all claim, right or title to the management of each and every
+person living, or about to live in premises known as 'Villa Felice,'
+situated at the outskirts of the city of ---- in the State of ----, for
+the period of three months. Now, in consideration of this obligation on
+the party of the first part, the party of the second part covenants,
+agrees and binds himself, his heirs and assinines--I mean assigns--to
+act conscientiously for the benefit of all the inhabitants of said
+'Villa Felice,' whether male or female;--and moreover pledges himself
+never by word or deed to consult, ask questions of, molest by
+interrogated words, or lead on by indirect remarks, the party of the
+first part; to impart, give over or yield up, any information on or
+concerning the subject or principle of housekeeping--(this last clause
+my sister insisted on in a most impressive manner--so I added the
+following,) and it is distinctly understood, comprehended by, and agreed
+to between both parties, that the party of the first part interferes
+with, molests, makes the subject of remark, indirectly or directly,
+impugns or maligns, the party of the second party in the pursuit of
+lawful proceedings neither by appeal, nor by entreaty, nor by satire,
+irony, libel, gossip, hinted evidence or such other expressions of
+mental feeling which are unseemly and tend to weaken man's power or
+involve in confusion a settled purpose. Said agreement to take effect at
+once on the signing of this contract,' made in duplicate.
+
+Signed, sealed and delivered the afore-written day, month and year, in
+the presence of       Witness,
+            MARY WALTERS, [seal.]
+            WILLIAM D'AUBREY, [seal.]
+
+
+We both signed, and then remembered a witness was necessary. 'I will
+call Thomas,' said Mary. 'He won't know what we have written.' I bowed
+with a legal stiffness, and waited. She rang--no response.
+
+She rang again. A loud laughter in the kitchen caused her to say, as
+usual, 'Oh! they cannot hear the bell,' and she tripped off lightly and
+called 'Susan! Susan! _Susan!_' 'and but the booming roars replied and
+fast the talk rolled on.' 'Susan,' said she, gently, over the
+bannisters.
+
+'Susan is out, marm,' said a granite voice from the second story.
+
+'Don't speak so loud, marm. Johnny has just gone to sleep, and I've had
+such trouble with him all the evening; he must have caught cold going to
+dancing school. You know, marm I begged you not to send him.
+
+'Mrs. Phillips,' whispered Mary, in a crushed voice, 'where has Susan
+gone?'
+
+'She went to her sister's, marm. Her child is very ill with the small
+pox, and she said she knew, if you knew he might die, that you would let
+her go and sit up with him this last night, poor, dear soul, bless his
+heart!'
+
+Oh, how I chuckled!
+
+'Why, Mrs. Phillips, just come down stairs, please; I want to speak to
+you.--Come into the library, only Mr. D'Aubrey is here.'
+
+(Humph! ONLY Mr. D'Aubrey!--'Oh, for to-morrow!')
+
+Enter Mrs. Phillips, one of those fat, pylygastric nurses, who divide
+the twenty-four hours into four days, so as to have three meals to each
+of their diurnal revolutions; whose digestive organs, if they could
+speak, would strike for wages; whose eyes move but never look; their
+atmosphere--what Germans might call expression--being that of massive
+rest.
+
+She slides into the room and immediately sits down, moving her eyes up
+to her mistress with a patient and slightly suffering expression, while
+the process of deglutition is slowly going on.
+
+I seize a book, pamphlet, anything, hold it in front of my face, and
+bite my segar in two.
+
+'Did I understand you to say, Mrs. Phillips, that Susan had gone to sit
+up with a _small pox_ patient?'
+
+'Her nephew, yes marm.'
+
+'Oh, how very wrong in her--how--'
+
+'I don't think so, marm.'
+
+I ground my teeth.
+
+'Why Mrs. Phillips?'
+
+'The boy marm, may not be yours, but it is her _kin_ and she ought to
+know her duty to a sister's child.'
+
+'Yes, but she might bring the disease to my little children!
+she'--'That's in the hands of Providence, marm.'
+
+I ram a handkerchief down my mouth and choke--
+
+'Well, as it is not your fault I need not speak to you--but please be so
+kind as to call Thomas, I only want him for a moment.' The celebrated
+Mrs. Phillips heaved a sigh, pregnant with bread, butter, cold meat and
+ale; and slid out of the room, crunching her way down stairs. I peeped
+at my sister--she looked pale and very anxiously perplexed, I pinched
+myself and kept silent. In a few minutes a voice was heard singing up
+the back stairs and--enter Sabina spread out with starch and heavily
+pomaded hair. 'Mrs. Phillips sent me to tell you marm that she had to
+make her gruel and the fire was low--and that Thomas had gone home.'
+
+'Why, what time is it, Sabina?'
+
+'_Eight_ o'clock,' I enunciate distinctly. For one moment Mary's eyes
+lit up with something like heroism, but before she could frame a
+sentence, the playful want of interest exhibited by Sabina, who leaned
+against the mantel-piece, straightening her cuffs, did the business, and
+she collapsed.
+
+'Please tell Thomas, when he comes to-morrow, Sabina, I would rather not
+have him go home quite as early, because you see,' (oh how I mentally
+groaned at this humiliating nonsense,) 'I might want him. You won't
+forget, will you, Sabina?'
+
+'No, marm. Is there anything else?' Having now made herself prim, and
+taken a quiet survey of the library and viewed me carefully, she was now
+desirous of retiring.
+
+'One moment, Sabina,' said Mary, beginning to realize her false position
+before me, 'Who is down stairs?'
+
+'Well, I couldn't tell you, marm.'
+
+'Why not?'
+
+'There are so many.'
+
+'How, do you mean so many?'
+
+'Why, marm, it's the cook's birthday; and she thought you would'nt mind
+her having a few friends, so she invited her _cousins_,' (looking at me
+as though she would ask, 'what have you got to say to that, Mr. Man?')
+
+'Well, Sabina,' said Mary, coloring up in confusion, 'just sign your
+name to this--it is only as a witness.'
+
+'I cannot write, marm,' answered dandy Amazon, very short at being
+exposed.
+
+'Then send Elizabeth here.'
+
+'She is out too, marm.'
+
+'What? Elizabeth has gone out?'
+
+'Yes marm, you see,' (becoming confidential,) 'the cook and her has
+quarrelled like--she neglected to ask her to her little party till late
+this evening, and so she got huffy and put on her things and dashed out
+of the house,' (at this time I had either an attack of the ague or was
+laughing so hard internally that it leaked through.)
+
+'Is Dinah in?'
+
+'Yes marm.'
+
+'Ask her, please, to come here.'
+
+Sabina tripped off with a satisfied air, and five--ten--fifteen minutes
+elapsed and no Ellen. I took out my memorandum and quickly wrote down a
+few valuable plans on the coming campaign. The clock struck half past
+eight, and my sister opened the entry door and listened--the kitchen
+door soon shut and somebody came up stairs slowly, with a waiter full of
+something.
+
+'Is that you, Dinah?'
+
+'Yes marm.'
+
+'Why didn't you come before?'
+
+'I don't know, mum.'
+
+'Didn't Sabina tell you I wanted you?'
+
+'No, mum. She told me you wanted to know how many were down stairs, and
+I counted seventeen.'
+
+'Take care Dinah, you're spilling that milk!'
+
+'I can't help it, this pitcher leaks.'
+
+'Where's the children's bowl?'
+
+'I don't know, mum--I think it's broke.'
+
+'Broken! Why, I bought a new one yesterday.'
+
+''Tain't my fault.'
+
+Hopelessly resigned, my sister Mary politely requested her to put down
+the waiter, and explained the nature of a witness's duty. We
+acknowledged our signatures and Dinah wrote out her name in a neat hand,
+then picked up the waiter and walked out of the room with the air of an
+injured innocent.
+
+I jumped up, kissed my sister, informed her that for the next three
+months she was to be a _passive_ observer, asked her to retire, locked
+up the contract, and gave the bell one pull that brought half the
+household to the door.
+
+
+
+
+PART II.
+
+_A MAN'S PLAN._
+
+
+As the servants rushed into the library they found me quietly reading a
+book and puffing at the pages. I slightly raised my eyes to this back
+ground of faces on which might be seen, surprise, anger, impertinence,
+curiosity and excitement. I slowly placed my book half open across my
+knee, with my hand resting on the cover, and with the other taking my
+segar out of my mouth, knocked the ashes off into a little glass tub;
+elevated my eyebrows and asked in perfect astonishment, yet measured
+tones:
+
+'What-is-the-matter?'
+
+'That's what we want to know sir;' exclaimed the cook, a little let down
+by my coolness.
+
+'Nothing that I know of,' I replied, except that I took the liberty of
+ringing my bell,' increasing in volume as I spoke.
+
+'We thought some one was sick, sir,' said Sabina.
+
+'I don't want to know what _you_ thought,' I rolled out in emphatic
+base, 'I want the WAITER! which is _it_?'--That neuter cut them to the
+heart.
+
+But they rallied--a revolt was imminent. I had lived in the family one
+year, with my sister as housekeeper, and had never made a remark to the
+servants, it being my habit in life to submit to what was not my
+business, or clear out. But now--_now_, with Imprimatur on my forehead,
+a clutch in my mental fingers, and a hungry longing to rule free: ha!
+ha!--Let us see. This was a trying moment--The vessel had been
+signalled, and my colors were to be shown--so here they go--the flag of
+the little brig 'one-man-power,' with the motto 'Anvil or hammar answer
+hammar,' is unfurled.
+
+Hemmed in by swelling indignation, whisperings and sullen looks, I
+jumped up and yelled in stentorian voice:
+
+'Leave my room! How dare you answer the waiter's bell? Send me the
+waiter and clear out, every one of you!' and, with a sweeping wave of my
+hand, I stalked towards the door. Reader, did you ever see the sun chase
+a big cloud right off a green field, and, with no respite, drive it
+headlong away over beyond the horizon? Such was the rapid departure of
+my stupefied retainers. On reaching the door, I slammed it to with a
+violence that echoed through the hushed and palsied house.
+
+Oh the benefit of a good slam--not a push--nor a quick shut--nor even a
+bump, all of which show still a want of firmness and decision--but a
+good old-fashioned 'bang' as though it had got into your throat and you
+could'nt breathe--that life depended on shutting out a flash of
+lightning and you hadn't time to wait--that the harder you impelled it
+against the doorway the sooner would end fast fleeting agony--that the
+nearer you got to what might be called an _explosive shut_: the more
+complete would be your safety, that if all your concentrated passion
+could be, not flung, (that is too weak) but hurled at that one partition
+a vacuum might be made in your room towards which good impulses might be
+drawn inversely. Many a good natured man who has been cornered by
+injustice has slammed off his anger, and is ready to forgive, but not
+give up. There is a dignity in this rapid developement of muscular power
+which admits of no surrender--the gauntlet has been thrown down, the
+chip has been knocked off the shoulder, the black flag is hoisted and
+skull and bones stand out in bold relief. There may be a calm, the wind
+may die out, but the monster waves once lashed up to a Titanic power
+move on of their own accord, and wash away the very vestige of
+resistance. Asking to _be_ forgiven after slamming a door is like
+touching off a Rodman gun, and then calling out to the fort in front to
+'look out' 'take care!' 'do get out of the way.' A first class slam is
+cumulative long after the noise has ceased--the nerves go on
+slamming--the valves of the heart flap to and from--the tympanum roils a
+revelrie to all the shattered senses, the offender slammed at, at once
+subsides from rage to fear; the mental barometer falls--and
+apprehension--the requiescat--is a don't know what is coming next. A
+bona fide, abandoned slam is a Domestic Earthquake.
+
+I next sat down on my Mexican chair, and waited for the rapid hatching
+of the egg. A register led up from the kitchen into my room, and though
+never used, formed one of those abominable listening tubes that might be
+truthfully called family tale-bearers. This time, however, I had the
+pleasure of overhearing the following fragmentary evidence of a
+reaction:
+
+'He must be crazy.' 'Did he drink much after dinner?' 'I say, you have
+been here longer than I have, have you ever seen him so before?' Then a
+giggle, and some one saying: 'Is he married?'
+
+'Sabina, ain't you ashamed to laugh?'--'poor thing--won't
+stay--gallows'--then silence, and in a few minutes one after another of
+the visitors passed by under the window on tip-toe, and almost
+immediately a soft knock and a pause. I thought * * * and acted.
+
+'Come in,' said I, in one of those gentle and subdued voices that no one
+but a passionate man can possess. The door gradually opened, and there
+stood Susan, the devoted aunt.
+
+I had placed a volume of engravings before my eyes, and was busily
+engaged in drawing some plan, on paper, as she entered. I went on for a
+little while in silence, when she said:
+
+'I understood, sir----'
+
+I said 'wait a minute,' and went on ruling one entire side, with double
+lines, in perfect forgetfulness of her presence.
+
+When she spoke again, 'Did you send for me, sir?' I would have answered
+at once, for I felt awfully at appearing such a tyro; but the case was a
+desperate one of long standing, and required heroic treatment. I kept
+her waiting, at first as a lesson, that her imagination might take wings
+and fly to the uttermost realms of unhappiness. The second time, I
+thought I detected a little impatience in her voice, so I said, taking a
+pen and dipping it in red ink, 'wait one moment, Susan,' and went on
+lining and interlining. This was not reading, studying, nor writing; it
+was what she very well knew I could do any time. So it told on her. Each
+moment her valor oozed out, and as soon as I felt that the cup of
+bitterness was pretty well drained, I proceeded to offer up this victim
+as a sacrifice to peace.
+
+'Susan, how is your sister's child?'
+
+I looked straight into her. There was no sternness or smartness in my
+expression, but the gaze was mathematical. I was measuring her candor,
+and analyzing her mind.
+
+She colored up and said, 'he's no better, sir; and they've given him up:
+but the doctor says good nursing will do wonders.'
+
+'I think so, too. Go back to your sister and stay till he is better; I
+will supply your place.'
+
+This puzzled her, but she could say nothing. I meant 'go' and she
+went.--There was no delay--I saw her walk by the window almost at once,
+and overheard the whisper, 'who next?'
+
+I now rang the bell, and Dinah came to the door, saying, before she
+knocked, the waiter is out, sir, so I answered your ring.
+
+'Do you know where Thomas lives?'
+
+'Yes sir.'
+
+'Then tell him I want him now--'
+
+'Yes sir,' she disappeared.
+
+Oh the benefit of that _slam_.
+
+In half an hour in walked Thomas.
+
+'Never do you enter my room without knocking. It is a piece of
+impertinence I will not put up with.'
+
+'I did not mean anything by it, sir.'
+
+'Well, don't do it again, and always take your hat off when you come
+before a gentleman or lady. Such ignorance might lose you a good place.'
+
+His wages were high I knew. It was also winter, and he gave in. He stood
+still with his hat in hand and waited.
+
+'Thomas I want you to bring the close carriage to the door with the two
+bays.'
+
+'Yes sir; but the off horse cast his hind shoe yesterday and I am
+afraid.'
+
+'You need not be, the ground is covered with snow. I shall want the
+carriage in fifteen minutes.'
+
+'Yes sir, but--'
+
+'But what?'
+
+'I left the carriage this morning at the blacksmiths to have a new tire
+put on it, sir.'
+
+'Who told you to?'
+
+'Nobody, sir.'
+
+'Then never do anything of that kind again without first reporting it to
+me.'
+
+'Yes sir,' moving slightly towards the door as though it was all settled
+now.
+
+'What other vehicle have you got in the stable?'
+
+'The Phæton, sir; the open box wagon and the carryall.'
+
+'Very well then, bring the nigh horse round in the carryall.'
+
+'He never went in single harness since I drove Mrs. ----'
+
+'Well, then, put the other one in.'
+
+'Nor him neither, sir.'
+
+'Humph!' it looked a little black.
+
+'Well, where is the other horse, the gray, that your mistress always
+drives when alone?'
+
+'He is at the veterinary surgeons, sir.--I took him there last Monday
+and he is to be blistered for two weeks off and on, sir.'
+
+'Well, Thomas, as the coachman of the family, I ask you what can be
+done.
+
+'I _must_ go out to-night. Can you suggest anything?'
+
+'Nothing but to hire a hack, sir.'
+
+'That's a very good idea, how far is the livery stable from here?'
+
+'Just next to where I live, sir. I can get one in a minute, sir.'
+
+Oh! so cheerfully.
+
+'Very well, Thomas, just harness the two bays and ride down there and
+put them to one. Tell the livery stable keeper that I wish it, and will
+pay for the use of it.'
+
+'But, sir, it is----'
+
+'Thomas, I would advise you not to be long. You ought to be ashamed to
+call yourself a coachman, and have what is under your charge in such a
+condition. The idea of a horse two days without a shoe.'
+
+'It isn't my----'
+
+'Not a word--go and do your duty in future. I shall expect you here in
+half an hour.'
+
+He backed out of the room, longing to say something (what it was I don't
+care) but completely at sea. As he passed under my window, (though I
+have not sworn for many years,) I am pretty sure I heard several full
+sized oaths. At the appointed time the bell rang and I went out and got
+into the carriage. The horses looked very warm, and, though the night
+was cold, one was covered with foam. I said nothing, but told him to
+drive to Susan's sister's.
+
+On arriving at the door, I heard sounds of very lively music for a dying
+child, and saw the house all lighted up.
+
+'Oh, I understand, it is one of those Hibernian wakes. Poor thing!' and
+I began to pardon Susan, feel sorry for the coachman, and made up my
+mind to give $10 towards the sepulchral expenses. As I entered the
+house, surcharged with benevolence and overcome by a repentant feeling,
+I caught sight of Susan and a strapping man whirling round the floor to
+the tune of the Irish Washwoman. I approached her and said, 'I hope he
+is better.' She uttered a scream and ran out of the room.
+
+The next morning after having gone over everything in the house, I sent
+for each servant and told them quietly but firmly that my sister's
+health was not very good, and that I was housekeeper--that as they had
+engaged to fill certain positions, I should take it for granted they
+understood their business; that I had neither the time nor would I take
+the trouble to overlook their work, but that as soon as I saw anything
+wrong they would hear from me. If they wanted anything I was the person.
+My housekeeping hours were from 9 till 10 a. m., no more. If they could
+not take the trouble to ask for what they wanted at that time, they
+could go without till the next day. I should not tell them what to do or
+when to do it, but if it wasn't done, they would certainly leave. That I
+allowed no company and gave them certain nights to go out, but if
+anything special and _true_ was the matter I was ready to assist, 'and
+now,' said I, 'no quarreling down stairs; each one to their work and no
+complaining.--The moment you are discontented come to me and you can go
+at once if you choose. I do not want any notice ever, except where a
+baby is concerned.' This done I then advertised for a cook. The next day
+my cook, down stair, came up to me quite flushed, and wanted to know if
+I intended to turn her away. I said no, I had no idea of it, but thought
+it was a very good plan to have two in the house; that I intended making
+the new one a waiter, and then if anything happened, such as the sudden
+departure, 'of my cook,' I said, looking right at her, 'for you know
+they are quick tempered, why then I have one on hand.' She colored up
+and retired. After going through a great deal of nonsense about the
+words 'help' and 'servants,' I at length got what I wanted and all went
+on smoothly for a time.
+
+My plan for detecting neglect in the cleaning of a room, was to stick
+half a dozen pins in different places about it--some on the walls, in
+the window and other places that ought to be wiped. If I found them
+there after the cleaning, I became suddenly very disagreeable.
+
+During my sister's administration, I had been obliged to wait sometimes
+three weeks before she could find time, for her servants, to put a
+button on my waistcoat. Now, when I wanted anything done, the first
+person that passed my library door was stopped, no matter what her work
+might be at the time, sent for a clothes brush, needle or hammar, and
+the thing was done at once. It acted like a charm, and all went on well.
+At first they objected, (only silently), but I told them plainly that I
+hired them for my benefit, not theirs, which generally followed; and
+that though their work was specified to a certain degree, they must on
+all occasions answer any calls and pay always for breakage. This last
+saved twenty dollars a month, for hardly anything under those expensive
+circumstances, fell of their hands; and I noticed the plea of 'sudden
+change of weather,' or 'some one must have disturbed it,' or 'that
+horrid cat has been among those dishes and upset them,' or 'twas cracked
+before,' became as worn out as aphorisms of the past. I was always very
+attentive to them when sick. This tells, in the long run, on servants,
+for they are very susceptible to a kind act out of place--indulgence,
+however, is soon forgotten. I always made it a habit, too, to pay each
+servant something more a month than any one else. That, also, acted
+wonderfully like a retainer. But I distinctly told them I wanted my work
+done, because it was paid for. I asked no favors. Two other rules saved
+me much trouble. When a girl said she couldn't do any set job, on
+account of no time, no matter what it was, I always said, 'why, that's
+all nonsense; it only takes five minutes;' and not infrequently have I
+irritated them into doing almost impossibilities. I never valued any
+cheap article under five dollars.
+
+Another great mistake, is to find fault with a servant before any one.
+Have they done wrong, go to your library and ring loudly--that is half
+the battle; then tell the waiter to call the chambermaid, and then
+speak. You will find everything easy. They have had time to reflect; to
+weigh the pros and cons, and have half thought themselves into
+submission. Never argue. If you have the right exert it, but never be
+unjust; and, above all, believe me when I tell you that their feelings
+are exquisite on the subject of neglect. Let them once feel a _respect_
+for you, yet know you are determined to have anything done, and a simple
+remark will lie like lead on their stomach, and you will hear them
+talking of it down stairs and using the bow anchor of firmness, 'he said
+so,' until it is done. Never change your mind.
+
+I remember once, during that memorable interregnum of three months, and,
+in fact, the only time in my life did it happen.--I had invited some
+very pleasant, agreeable and talented friends to spend the evening. I
+ordered my supper in the morning, and it commenced to snow. I continued
+giving orders, and it continued snowing, and we kept at it very close on
+to each other; if anything, the snow was a little ahead, but I went on
+in the same way. At the proposed time the gas was lit, a lantern was
+placed on the piazza; snow swept off; the side gate unhung by the waiter
+man, and a path made. The snow piled high, and the domestics began to
+give in, or out, I don't know which. They doubted the probability of any
+one venturing out that 'dreadful night.' A little later, they began to
+talk among themselves of the improbability of any one coming. I
+immediately ordered the gas turned up in full; the candles lit, and the
+supper table laid--every dish put in its place empty, to be filled at
+the proper time--all for discipline. (I had said it was to be done in
+the morning.) I then went up stairs and dressed. My sister, who had
+gained five pounds every week since her abdication, met me in the
+drawing room, dressed elegantly, and with an encouraging air pressed my
+hand. She did not dare to make a remark, or the contract would have been
+violated; but I thought I could detect in her eye an acknowledgment of
+my success. As I sauntered through the brilliantly lighted rooms, rather
+depressed at the non-arrival of my guests, the waiter said Thomas would
+like to speak to me. I immediately went to the star chamber and took an
+easy position.
+
+A knock this time.
+
+'Come in.'
+
+In walked Thomas with his hat in his hand and bowing respectively, he
+said--'I have just come from the stable Mr. D'Aubrey, and thought you
+would like to know about the storm, sir.'
+
+'What storm?' I exclaimed, 'oh, you mean the snow storm, yes--is it
+still snowing?' At that moment the window was crackling with the hail.
+
+'Yes sir, and I thought I'd tell you that no one could come out
+to-night, for a horse without a wagon could not walk one hundred yards.'
+
+'Thank you, Thomas, give the bay mare more corn to-morrow and call
+Henry.'--Henry, the waiter, came in expecting orders to put away the
+_clean_ things and lock up for it was ten, and not a soul had arrived.
+'Order supper Henry at eleven.'
+
+'For whom, sir?'
+
+'For me--what are you waiting for?'
+
+'How much, sir,' said he, in a bewildered air. 'All of it.'
+
+He looked anxious. He could not classify me, but discipline must be
+carried out, so Mary and I sat down to enough for twenty-five persons,
+who had never known the pangs of dyspepsia. As soon as we had finished I
+ordered a large portion of it down stairs, for the benefit of the
+servants and retired. They all looked pleased and I was satisfied. Mrs.
+Phillips had the nightmare at about two o'clock.
+
+Before I took charge, the allies of my household were accustomed to
+come in at all hours and sit up till they were too sleepy to go to bed,
+looking the next morning like wet blotting paper. But that was soon
+stopped. For the morning of my address to them I stated that the house
+was shut up at ten p. m., and now and then it was amusing to hear the
+door open as the clock struck.
+
+One night at about twelve as I was sitting at my desk in the library, I
+heard someone trying to get in. I knew it was the waiter who had slipped
+out without leave, so I turned out the gas, put my head out of the
+window and said 'I know it must be a robber, for they are all in,' and
+seeing his form I fired off my revolver overhead.--No servant ever tried
+again to enter by stealing in after hours. When my sister kept house I
+suffered much for want of dishes during many days in the week.--There
+was very little variety.
+
+Sundays we had only potatoes and cold meat.
+
+'Why,' I asked.
+
+'They must go to church, my dear brother.'
+
+Mondays, one fry, not even a roast, it was washing day, all the heat
+must be turned off from the oven for the boiler.--The cook wouldn't have
+it roasted in front, the only true way.
+
+So no dessert could be baked.
+
+Tuesdays I could have no company for it was ironing day, and the irons
+filled up the range and nothing extra could be made. I submitted to my
+sister.
+
+But now I had soup every day, and whenever I saw anything very good in
+market I ordered it home and had it cooked. Strange isn't it, with the
+same range and the same cook? Before my reign we could not breakfast
+till nine, the cook said that the milkman came so late. During my reign
+we breakfasted at eight punctually, for I suggested to her the propriety
+of rising at six instead of seven and letting him in on his first trip
+instead of taking the milk from him on his return. My sister was obliged
+to tell her two or three days before hand that she was going to have
+company, that she might have time to get everything ready for dinner. I
+frequently brought home two or three guests with fish and game in the
+same carriage and ordered it as the fourth course while partaking of
+soup. On one occasion I brought in partridges twenty minutes before
+dinner. I went down stairs knowing she would be roused this time, and
+flanked her by saying, 'Hannah, you won't have time to pick those birds,
+so just draw them and _skin_ them. I want them roasted.' Before she
+recovered from her astonishment I had departed.
+
+Whenever a quarrel down stairs took place I never interfered as long as
+they did not talk loud, but the next day if I noticed any one in the
+sulks or a tendency to let things go by, I had the furniture of one room
+changed to another. This required 'all hands' to work together, and I
+made them fly round so, that when it was done they were only too happy
+to go to lunch and rest, and I could hear many a joke and pleasant laugh
+rise from the kitchen table.
+
+One rainy evening, as my sister and myself were sitting in front of the
+wood fire, exactly two months since the famous contract, and very much
+in the same position, and talking over everything but it, a timid knock
+was heard. I said 'come in,' and Sabina entered, looking very healthy
+and neat--I cannot say pretty, though she had a good figure.
+
+I never asked questions on these occasions. I always made it difficult
+for them to talk in this, to them, gloomy room.--They had to stumble
+through themselves.
+
+'Can I speak to you, sir.'
+
+'Certainly, Sabina--go on.'
+
+'I have come to say, sir, that--that--I have came to say, sir, that'--a
+pause; she looked very guilty.
+
+'That's right, Sabina; you have come to say that--I understand--but what
+have you come to say?'
+
+'I have come to say, sir, that--I have come to go, sir!'
+
+I controlled myself. She was an excellent chambermaid; understood my
+ways thoroughly; and did her work well; had always been respectful to
+_me_, and was very steady. It would be a great loss, but DISCIPLINE must
+be preserved, and my mind was at once made up. My sister looked
+surprised and sorry right out.
+
+'Well, Sabina, when do you wish to go.'
+
+'On Saturday, sir.'
+
+Oh how my sister wanted to speak, but I looked at the tin box that held
+the contract and she bit her lip.
+
+'Very well, Sabina, you have a perfect right to go when and where you
+please, and I will take great pleasure in writing out an excellent
+character for you. Let me see, (looking at my account book) that is two
+weeks wages making $8. I never make presents, but as you are going here
+is a ten dollar bill. Where would you like your trunk carried, tell me
+and I will send it by Thomas Saturday morning?'
+
+'Oh! it isn't that, sir,' said she, 'but--but, sir,' with the tears
+flowing rapidly.
+
+'Why, what is the matter, Sabina?' (the first question apart from
+business I had ever asked.)
+
+'I don't want to leave you, sir.'
+
+'Well, that is strange, then why do you?' (business question.)
+
+'I'm going, sir--I'm going, sir, to--be--married!' and she burst into
+tears.
+
+(I congratulated myself on being a bachelor, if conjugal affection
+produced such an effect.)
+
+'Oh! that's it,' said I, dryly. 'Well I hope you will be happy.'
+
+'But you've been so kind, sir, you--'
+
+'There now stop, I have only tried to be just,' said I, looking
+exultingly at my smiling sister, who took off a little gold stud and
+gave it to her with many wishes of a happy life.
+
+Everything went on regularly as clock-work. There was a place for
+everything, and everything in its place. When the bell rang during dear
+Mary's sway, it continued to ring, and on one occasion, a friend met me
+in the street and said:
+
+'Why William, have you moved?'
+
+I replied no, that we were very comfortable where we were, 'why do you
+ask?'
+
+'That's very strange,' said he, 'we called yesterday at one o'clock and
+rang for twenty minutes. No one coming we concluded you had left for
+Europe.'
+
+'No,' I said, feeling rather confused, 'the waiter I believe is subject
+to sciatica. At times he is taken suddenly and cannot move, and the
+reason we did not hear the bell, (I looked away as I said so,) his cries
+of pain are such that you cannot hear yourself speak.'
+
+Now the door is answered before the first ring stops sounding. For I
+arranged it so as to vibrate long enough to give a person time to go
+from any part of the house in exactly two minutes; and no man of the
+world rings oftener than once every three minutes. I would not have
+written all this but my blessed sister soon entirely followed out my
+reformation and is fairly convinced, as she says, that when a man sets
+about any matter, he is very thorough: clear headed; and, above all, not
+easily put down.
+
+Oh! if all women thought so! eh, Mr. Caudle? I knew one learned
+gentleman who only desired peace and good food. His wife never allowed
+him to offer a suggestion. She called him a genius, and made him mind.
+
+Formerly Mary rose thoughtful, with the pressure of business on her
+brain. At meals she was abstracted, often worried, and at all times the
+repository of domestic troubles. Her healthy organization was altogether
+too mesmerized by the petty warfare below stairs. She was never idle,
+and yet rarely accomplished anything for _herself_. Her position in the
+household might have been called that of GRAND FINISHER. She planned
+work and waited for its completion in vain. Finally she would bring it
+into the library and stitch--stitch--all through the pleasant evenings.
+I knew this, for I laid a plan. One April I asked her to work me a pair
+of slippers on cloth. I presume a clever woman, undisturbed, could have
+delivered them over to me at the end of the week. Now, no one is more
+clever than my sister; yet I did not get those slippers till December;
+and then she handed them to me in sadness, and said, with an attempt at
+cheerfulness, 'dear William, I worked one myself, but my duties are such
+that I gave out the other to that poor woman whose husband is at sea.
+Has'nt she done it well?' Now, I find her reading, paying visits, and
+often of an evening she comes to me and says, 'William, would'nt you
+like some new handkerchiefs embroidered?' or 'can't I mend anything for
+you? I have just finished my music and have nothing to do.'
+
+On another occasion, while she was mending--not making reader--but
+_mending_, her children's clothes, I offered to read one of Ik Marvel's
+reveries of a bachelor, a special favorite of mine. She thanked me, and I
+proceeded. On finishing one of his admirable paragraphs, I put the book
+down and exclaimed, 'isn't that capital?'
+
+She said at once, 'no, I think it is very discouraging.'
+
+'Discouraging! Why, what in the world do you mean, Mary?'
+
+'Excuse me, William, but I was'nt listening. The fact of it is, there
+has been another row down stairs, and I do think that girl ought to be
+ashamed of herself to treat Susan so;' and then for _one_ hour a
+topographical and analytical history of the entire household was gone
+into, with a _con amore_ spirit, which lasted through two segars and a
+glass of water. I never spoke. On these occasions they don't want you
+to talk; only to listen. They say in a sweet and confiding manner, 'you
+know I have no one to sympathize with me;' and off they go, like the
+recitation of Pope's Homer, made by some school girl who has been
+sentenced to run through so many lines. I slipped the reveries into
+their place, so that she would not be hurt, and I do assure you that
+when she had got through I believe if you had asked her suddenly 'who
+discovered America?' she would have replied 'An Irishman--I forget his
+name.'
+
+Formerly there was ever a business gravity about her: now she always
+appeared with a sweet smile that lit up her countenance, as though it
+had been sprinkled all over with sun-powder.
+
+Difficult indeed was it for Mary to order anything without an advance
+notice, for otherwise she was forced to start her little bark through
+the Scylla and Charybdis of 'fire island,' namely, 'The fire's too low,
+marm;' or 'I've just put on coal, marm.'
+
+Now she reads to me herself, and marks the prettiest passages in
+Tennyson, which no woman could find out if her understanding had been
+mortgaged by servants.
+
+Before, no matter what dish of meat was set before me, it was always
+_dry_, or the gravy made of butter and _water_. I have often seen mutton
+chops come on table looking like little islands of meat surrounded by
+water, on which might be detected a tickley benders of grease. Five
+minutes conversation on my part supplied the deficiency, and caused one
+can of lard to outlast six of those in olden times.
+
+When I first took charge of the kitchen, the cook made one struggle--but
+only one. The reply to her question indicated such ignorance or
+indifference on my part, that everything suggested in future was served
+as directed, and well done. Having ordered many dishes one day--I don't
+know whether it was washing or ironing day, I never used to ask: I also
+gave the ingredients of a very nice pudding, and said 'can you make
+that?'
+
+'I know how, sir, but can't to-day.'
+
+'Why not?'
+
+'There is no room in the oven, you have filled it with your orders, and
+it is impossible to bake it this afternoon.'
+
+'You cannot bake it, then?'
+
+'No, sir.'
+
+'Then _broil_ it!'
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Christmas Story, by Samuel W. Francis
+
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+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Christmas Story, by Dr. Samuel W. Francis
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css">
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+    .poem br          {display: none;}
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+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Christmas Story, by Samuel W. Francis
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Christmas Story
+       Man in His Element: or, A New Way to Keep House
+
+Author: Samuel W. Francis
+
+Release Date: July 6, 2006 [EBook #18770]
+[Date last updated: July 8, 2006]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A CHRISTMAS STORY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Curtis Weyant, Martin Pettit and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images produced by the Wright
+American Fiction Project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p>[Transcriber's note: Irregularities in punctuation which were
+present in the original have been corrected. Variants such as
+would'nt/wouldn't, could'nt/couldn't, was'nt/wasn't, have been
+retained.]</p>
+
+<p class='tbrk'>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h2>A</h2>
+
+<p class='tbrk'>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h1>CHRISTMAS STORY,</h1>
+
+<p class='tbrk'>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h3>BY</h3>
+
+<p class='tbrk'>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h2>DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS.</h2>
+
+<p class='tbrk'>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h4>PUBLISHED BY<br />GEORGE H. MATHEWS,<br />929 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.,<br />1867.</h4>
+
+<hr />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<h1>A CHRISTMAS STORY.</h1>
+
+<h2>MAN IN HIS ELEMENT:</h2>
+
+<h3>OR,</h3>
+
+<h3>A NEW WAY TO KEEP HOUSE.</h3>
+
+<hr class='smler' />
+
+<h2>BY DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS.</h2>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+<h3><a href="#PART_I">PART I.</a> &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; A WOMAN'S PLAN.</h3>
+
+<h3><a href="#PART_II">PART II.</a> &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; A MAN'S PLAN.</h3>
+
+<hr />
+<h2><a name="PART_I" id="PART_I"></a>PART I.</h2>
+
+<h3><i>A WOMAN'S PLAN.</i></h3>
+
+<p>'My dear Mary,' said I, one morning, to my widowed sister, as she sank
+into an arm chair in front of my library fire, and heaved a sigh replete
+with exhaustion and sadness:</p>
+
+<p>'What is the matter?'</p>
+
+<p>'Enough for a woman, William, but of course, nothing for an old bachelor
+like you, who have only to pay your own bills, eat your meals without
+the trouble of ordering them; lounge through a clean house with no
+chasing after servants to sweep and wash and dust; sit in your study,
+heaping log after log on your devoted andirons, and always meeting me
+with such a provoking cheerfulness, while I have not a moment to myself;
+am all the time running to give out stores to one girl; soap and starch
+to another; candles and linen to the chambermaid, and orders to the
+coachman; and, even then, I have no peace; for, no sooner do I sit in
+the nursery, hoping to derive a few minutes comfort from a quiet sew,
+than my ears are filled with the dissatisfaction of one girl; the
+complaints of another; the threatenings to leave of another, and the
+quarrels of all. I declare, William, I think it was too bad in you to
+insist on our leaving that comfortable boarding house, where we lived so
+much cheaper, and had no trouble. It was there, with my small family,
+that I appreciated the freedom from care that you old selfish,
+unsympathizing bachelors enjoy; and no wonder you laugh at us. The fact
+is, you don't know anything about it; you &mdash;&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'My dear Mary,' I repeated, 'you have said enough&mdash;I only ask for a few
+minutes to put this matter in a new light, and, in time, you yourself
+will be convinced.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's all very well, William, but what's the use of talking to you
+men. I never convinced one in my life. No sir! man is an animal that
+never acknowledges either that he is wrong, or that a woman is right. I
+tell you, servants are the bane of my existence. You cannot make them
+happy, do what you may. Why, only the other day I gave Jane a nice pair
+of gaiters that I had but partially worn out. She thanked me, and I felt
+pleased that I had done one kind action, though it was a self-denial.
+The very next morning, in coming out of the kitchen, I passed the ash
+barrel, and looked in it to see if the cinders would ever be sifted.
+What do you suppose I saw there, mixed up with lemon peel, tea leaves
+and ashes? My boots, William&mdash;the very pair I had given Jane the day
+before.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well what did you do?'</p>
+
+<p>'Do? Why as soon as I could recover I called her to me, and asked why
+she had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> thrown them there.' She said without any excitement, that was
+the worst of it, 'I couldn't wear them Madam.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?' I said.</p>
+
+<p>'They were too large for me.'</p>
+
+<p>'Too large for her, the jade&mdash;think of that'&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>'Don't say any more, Mary, I understand the case perfectly&mdash;and since we
+cannot argue upon the matter just listen to my views (without any
+interruption), in the form of a philosophical lecture. It will be very
+brief but to the point.</p>
+
+<p>'Though I have never kept house, as I am an old man I must have lived
+somewhere all my life. Being possessed of a healthy and observing
+intellect&mdash;I have seen and digested much; and it is all easy to my mind.
+I have heard you through as I have heard others through; I have seen
+your sufferings and your trials, as I have seen many, very many suffer
+and endure trials, and I have solved the problem and told it all to my
+segar!'</p>
+
+<p>'Well now that is selfish, William!'</p>
+
+<p>'Not at all my dear sister, what lady would tolerate the slightest
+interference with her housekeeping? How long would you permit me to stay
+here, in financial partnership, if I even offered one word of advice.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, how unjust, speak out now and let me hear what you have confided to
+your segar.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, in the first place, there are two kinds of ways to keep house.
+No. one is to keep your servants; No. two is to be kept by them. Herein
+is the key note of much trouble. Another difficulty is fear. I have been
+perfectly amazed to listen to ladies when asking a waiter to do
+something for them. Just think of it. I heard Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;, at table the
+other day, turn round and look towards a red headed, uplifted girl, with
+a conciliatory smile and say, 'Betty, would you mind giving me a glass
+of water?'</p>
+
+<p>'Zounds madam, I wanted to scream!&mdash;and only last night, while paying a
+visit I heard a lady who rules her elegant husband to within an inch of
+his life, say to the waiter, 'John, please put on your things and muffle
+up well, for it is very cold and do take this note to Mrs. Henry's' and,
+almost with the same breath, she turned on her husband and said,
+'Albert, go down and get that medicine <i>at once</i> for you know I cannot
+retire till I take it&mdash;you can see <i>your</i> friend any time,' looking at
+me in a hard manner and then at the clock. 'Now what do you call that?
+That woman has courage to meet her equals and put all things straight;
+but a menial crushes her.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, of course you don't understand those things, William, but I do.'</p>
+
+<p>'I suppose so, but I don't want to. It is all wrong&mdash;all <i>humbug</i>, all
+<span class="smcap">trash</span>!' I exclaimed as my excitement knocked the ashes of my segar over
+my clean shirt.</p>
+
+<p>'What would you have us do?' exclaimed Mary, a little nettled at my last
+remark.</p>
+
+<p>'Do?' I replied, with emphasis; 'let the men keep house. Watch them, and
+learn the true method, which has for its motto,</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class='stanza'><div>"Maximum of work,</div>
+<div>Minimum of trouble."'</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>By this time I began to feel anxious.&mdash;My sister had gone off into a fit
+of laughter<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> that at first greatly roused my ire, but ultimately
+awakened anxiety, for she could not gain her breath. I rang for a
+servant; of course none came, for she always had to call them. 'They
+were having such a good time down stairs, they could not hear the bell,'
+so I poured out a glass of water, and, while she drank, seized the
+poker; stirred up the dying embers; put on a good back log; lit a large
+and strong Cabana to lend zest to my courage, and prepared to make one
+more effort for victory.</p>
+
+<p>Gradually subsiding into a few occasional chromatic giggles, Mary looked
+through her beautiful eyes, glistening with tears of fun, and said, in a
+smothered whisper,</p>
+
+<p>'Well, and what would you do?'</p>
+
+<p>'Do?' I repeated. 'Let me have the reins for one month, and I will show
+you.'</p>
+
+<p>There! it was out, and I felt relieved.</p>
+
+<p>'But, William,' she whispered, pointing with anxiety to the door which
+stood ajar, 'how long do you suppose they would stay with you?'</p>
+
+<p>'Until they got married or died!' I answered with confidence, and,
+sitting bolt upright, I ran both thumbs under my waistcoat arm-holes and
+played on my chest with my fingers, while I puffed tremendously to
+envelope my countenance with smoke, the better to hide my ill-concealed
+smile.</p>
+
+<p>'You single men are too amusing, my dear brother,' said she, looking
+earnestly into my face and patting my shoulder with an expression of
+pity. 'To convince you that woman's mission is the care of domestic
+matters; and, as I would like a little rest combined with fun, I will
+turn over everything to you, and&mdash;&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Done!' I yelled with delight, and jumping up, I paced up and down the
+library like a prisoner freed from chains.&mdash;'Done! Oh! I thank you,
+Mary.'</p>
+
+<p>'Stop, young man,' she said, with assumed severity, 'hear the conditions
+of the bond.'</p>
+
+<p>'Write it down,' I said, in haste, 'and so long as I am to have the
+reins I will sign.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, sir,' said she, entering with her old accustomed gaiety into the
+subject matter. 'I agree to let you keep house on the following
+conditions:' naming a good many, which I listened to with marked
+interest, and finally condensed into the form of a written contract,
+though no lawyer; for fear, as I told her, she would violate the
+premises. As well as I can remember, for it was many years ago&mdash;it ran
+as follows:</p>
+
+<p>'This agreement made this 24th November, 1853, between Mary Walters of
+the city, county and state of New York, being party of the first part,
+and William d'Aubrey of the said city, county and state of New York,
+party of the second part, witnesseth as follows: Said party of the first
+part agrees, covenants and binds herself, heirs and assinines&mdash;I mean
+assigns&mdash;to surrender, demise and make over all claim, right and title
+to housekeeping, and all matters pertaining to the welfare of household
+economy, whether trivial or special, to the party of the second part;
+moreover delivering up all accounts, keys and inventory of stores now on
+hand, and all claim, right or title to the management of each and every
+person living, or about to live in premises known as 'Villa Felice,'
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span>situated at the outskirts of the city of &mdash;&mdash; in the State of &mdash;&mdash;, for
+the period of three months. Now, in consideration of this obligation on
+the party of the first part, the party of the second part covenants,
+agrees and binds himself, his heirs and assinines&mdash;I mean assigns&mdash;to
+act conscientiously for the benefit of all the inhabitants of said
+'Villa Felice,' whether male or female;&mdash;and moreover pledges himself
+never by word or deed to consult, ask questions of, molest by
+interrogated words, or lead on by indirect remarks, the party of the
+first part; to impart, give over or yield up, any information on or
+concerning the subject or principle of housekeeping&mdash;(this last clause
+my sister insisted on in a most impressive manner&mdash;so I added the
+following,) and it is distinctly understood, comprehended by, and agreed
+to between both parties, that the party of the first part interferes
+with, molests, makes the subject of remark, indirectly or directly,
+impugns or maligns, the party of the second party in the pursuit of
+lawful proceedings neither by appeal, nor by entreaty, nor by satire,
+irony, libel, gossip, hinted evidence or such other expressions of
+mental feeling which are unseemly and tend to weaken man's power or
+involve in confusion a settled purpose. Said agreement to take effect at
+once on the signing of this contract,' made in duplicate.</p>
+
+<p>Signed, sealed and delivered the afore-written day, month and year, in
+the presence of</p>
+
+<p class='center'>Witness,<br />MARY WALTERS, [seal.]<br />WILLIAM D'AUBREY, [seal.]</p>
+
+<hr class='smler' />
+
+<p>We both signed, and then remembered a witness was necessary. 'I will
+call Thomas,' said Mary. 'He won't know what we have written.' I bowed
+with a legal stiffness, and waited. She rang&mdash;no response.</p>
+
+<p>She rang again. A loud laughter in the kitchen caused her to say, as
+usual, 'Oh! they cannot hear the bell,' and she tripped off lightly and
+called 'Susan! Susan! <i>Susan!</i>' 'and but the booming roars replied and
+fast the talk rolled on.' 'Susan,' said she, gently, over the
+bannisters.</p>
+
+<p>'Susan is out, marm,' said a granite voice from the second story.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't speak so loud, marm. Johnny has just gone to sleep, and I've had
+such trouble with him all the evening; he must have caught cold going to
+dancing school. You know, marm I begged you not to send him.</p>
+
+<p>'Mrs. Phillips,' whispered Mary, in a crushed voice, 'where has Susan
+gone?'</p>
+
+<p>'She went to her sister's, marm. Her child is very ill with the small
+pox, and she said she knew, if you knew he might die, that you would let
+her go and sit up with him this last night, poor, dear soul, bless his
+heart!'</p>
+
+<p>Oh, how I chuckled!</p>
+
+<p>'Why, Mrs. Phillips, just come down stairs, please; I want to speak to
+you.&mdash;Come into the library, only Mr. D'Aubrey is here.'</p>
+
+<p>(Humph! <span class="smcap">Only</span> Mr. D'Aubrey!&mdash;'Oh, for to-morrow!')</p>
+
+<p>Enter Mrs. Phillips, one of those fat, pylygastric nurses, who divide
+the twenty-four hours into four days, so as to have three meals to each
+of their diurnal revolutions; whose digestive organs, if they could
+speak, would strike for wages; whose eyes move but never look; their
+atmosphere<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>&mdash;what Germans might call expression&mdash;being that of massive
+rest.</p>
+
+<p>She slides into the room and immediately sits down, moving her eyes up
+to her mistress with a patient and slightly suffering expression, while
+the process of deglutition is slowly going on.</p>
+
+<p>I seize a book, pamphlet, anything, hold it in front of my face, and
+bite my segar in two.</p>
+
+<p>'Did I understand you to say, Mrs. Phillips, that Susan had gone to sit
+up with a <i>small pox</i> patient?'</p>
+
+<p>'Her nephew, yes marm.'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh, how very wrong in her&mdash;how&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'I don't think so, marm.'</p>
+
+<p>I ground my teeth.</p>
+
+<p>'Why Mrs. Phillips?'</p>
+
+<p>'The boy marm, may not be yours, but it is her <i>kin</i> and she ought to
+know her duty to a sister's child.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes, but she might bring the disease to my little children!
+she'&mdash;'That's in the hands of Providence, marm.'</p>
+
+<p>I ram a handkerchief down my mouth and choke&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>'Well, as it is not your fault I need not speak to you&mdash;but please be so
+kind as to call Thomas, I only want him for a moment.' The celebrated
+Mrs. Phillips heaved a sigh, pregnant with bread, butter, cold meat and
+ale; and slid out of the room, crunching her way down stairs. I peeped
+at my sister&mdash;she looked pale and very anxiously perplexed, I pinched
+myself and kept silent. In a few minutes a voice was heard singing up
+the back stairs and&mdash;enter Sabina spread out with starch and heavily
+pomaded hair. 'Mrs. Phillips sent me to tell you marm that she had to
+make her gruel and the fire was low&mdash;and that Thomas had gone home.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, what time is it, Sabina?'</p>
+
+<p>'<i>Eight</i> o'clock,' I enunciate distinctly. For one moment Mary's eyes
+lit up with something like heroism, but before she could frame a
+sentence, the playful want of interest exhibited by Sabina, who leaned
+against the mantel-piece, straightening her cuffs, did the business, and
+she collapsed.</p>
+
+<p>'Please tell Thomas, when he comes to-morrow, Sabina, I would rather not
+have him go home quite as early, because you see,' (oh how I mentally
+groaned at this humiliating nonsense,) 'I might want him. You won't
+forget, will you, Sabina?'</p>
+
+<p>'No, marm. Is there anything else?' Having now made herself prim, and
+taken a quiet survey of the library and viewed me carefully, she was now
+desirous of retiring.</p>
+
+<p>'One moment, Sabina,' said Mary, beginning to realize her false position
+before me, 'Who is down stairs?'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, I couldn't tell you, marm.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?'</p>
+
+<p>'There are so many.'</p>
+
+<p>'How, do you mean so many?'</p>
+
+<p>'Why, marm, it's the cook's birthday; and she thought you would'nt mind
+her having a few friends, so she invited her <i>cousins</i>,' (looking at me
+as though she would ask, 'what have you got to say to that, Mr. Man?')</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Sabina,' said Mary, coloring up in confusion, 'just sign your
+name to this&mdash;it is only as a witness.'</p>
+
+<p>'I cannot write, marm,' answered dandy Amazon, very short at being
+exposed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Then send Elizabeth here.'</p>
+
+<p>'She is out too, marm.'</p>
+
+<p>'What? Elizabeth has gone out?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes marm, you see,' (becoming confidential,) 'the cook and her has
+quarrelled like&mdash;she neglected to ask her to her little party till late
+this evening, and so she got huffy and put on her things and dashed out
+of the house,' (at this time I had either an attack of the ague or was
+laughing so hard internally that it leaked through.)</p>
+
+<p>'Is Dinah in?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes marm.'</p>
+
+<p>'Ask her, please, to come here.'</p>
+
+<p>Sabina tripped off with a satisfied air, and five&mdash;ten&mdash;fifteen minutes
+elapsed and no Ellen. I took out my memorandum and quickly wrote down a
+few valuable plans on the coming campaign. The clock struck half past
+eight, and my sister opened the entry door and listened&mdash;the kitchen
+door soon shut and somebody came up stairs slowly, with a waiter full of
+something.</p>
+
+<p>'Is that you, Dinah?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes marm.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why didn't you come before?'</p>
+
+<p>'I don't know, mum.'</p>
+
+<p>'Didn't Sabina tell you I wanted you?'</p>
+
+<p>'No, mum. She told me you wanted to know how many were down stairs, and
+I counted seventeen.'</p>
+
+<p>'Take care Dinah, you're spilling that milk!'</p>
+
+<p>'I can't help it, this pitcher leaks.'</p>
+
+<p>'Where's the children's bowl?'</p>
+
+<p>'I don't know, mum&mdash;I think it's broke.'</p>
+
+<p>'Broken! Why, I bought a new one yesterday.'</p>
+
+<p>''Tain't my fault.'</p>
+
+<p>Hopelessly resigned, my sister Mary politely requested her to put down
+the waiter, and explained the nature of a witness's duty. We
+acknowledged our signatures and Dinah wrote out her name in a neat hand,
+then picked up the waiter and walked out of the room with the air of an
+injured innocent.</p>
+
+<p>I jumped up, kissed my sister, informed her that for the next three
+months she was to be a <i>passive</i> observer, asked her to retire, locked
+up the contract, and gave the bell one pull that brought half the
+household to the door.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<h2><a name="PART_II" id="PART_II"></a>PART II.</h2>
+
+<h3><i>A MAN'S PLAN.</i></h3>
+
+<p>As the servants rushed into the library they found me quietly reading a
+book and puffing at the pages. I slightly raised my eyes to this back
+ground of faces on which might be seen, surprise, anger, impertinence,
+curiosity and excitement. I slowly placed my book half open across my
+knee, with my hand resting on the cover, and with the other taking my
+segar out of my mouth, knocked the ashes off into a little glass tub;
+elevated my eyebrows and asked in perfect astonishment, yet measured
+tones:</p>
+
+<p>'What-is-the-matter?'</p>
+
+<p>'That's what we want to know sir;' exclaimed the cook, a little let down
+by my coolness.</p>
+
+<p>'Nothing that I know of,' I replied, except that I took the liberty of
+ringing my bell,' increasing in volume as I spoke.</p>
+
+<p>'We thought some one was sick, sir,' said Sabina.</p>
+
+<p>'I don't want to know what <i>you</i> thought,' I rolled out in emphatic
+base, 'I want the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> <span class="smcap">waiter</span>! which is <i>it</i>?'&mdash;That neuter cut them to the
+heart.</p>
+
+<p>But they rallied&mdash;a revolt was imminent. I had lived in the family one
+year, with my sister as housekeeper, and had never made a remark to the
+servants, it being my habit in life to submit to what was not my
+business, or clear out. But now&mdash;<i>now</i>, with Imprimatur on my forehead,
+a clutch in my mental fingers, and a hungry longing to rule free: ha!
+ha!&mdash;Let us see. This was a trying moment&mdash;The vessel had been
+signalled, and my colors were to be shown&mdash;so here they go&mdash;the flag of
+the little brig 'one-man-power,' with the motto 'Anvil or hammar answer
+hammar,' is unfurled.</p>
+
+<p>Hemmed in by swelling indignation, whisperings and sullen looks, I
+jumped up and yelled in stentorian voice:</p>
+
+<p>'Leave my room! How dare you answer the waiter's bell? Send me the
+waiter and clear out, every one of you!' and, with a sweeping wave of my
+hand, I stalked towards the door. Reader, did you ever see the sun chase
+a big cloud right off a green field, and, with no respite, drive it
+headlong away over beyond the horizon? Such was the rapid departure of
+my stupefied retainers. On reaching the door, I slammed it to with a
+violence that echoed through the hushed and palsied house.</p>
+
+<p>Oh the benefit of a good slam&mdash;not a push&mdash;nor a quick shut&mdash;nor even a
+bump, all of which show still a want of firmness and decision&mdash;but a
+good old-fashioned 'bang' as though it had got into your throat and you
+could'nt breathe&mdash;that life depended on shutting out a flash of
+lightning and you hadn't time to wait&mdash;that the harder you impelled it
+against the doorway the sooner would end fast fleeting agony&mdash;that the
+nearer you got to what might be called an <i>explosive shut</i>: the more
+complete would be your safety, that if all your concentrated passion
+could be, not flung, (that is too weak) but hurled at that one partition
+a vacuum might be made in your room towards which good impulses might be
+drawn inversely. Many a good natured man who has been cornered by
+injustice has slammed off his anger, and is ready to forgive, but not
+give up. There is a dignity in this rapid developement of muscular power
+which admits of no surrender&mdash;the gauntlet has been thrown down, the
+chip has been knocked off the shoulder, the black flag is hoisted and
+skull and bones stand out in bold relief. There may be a calm, the wind
+may die out, but the monster waves once lashed up to a Titanic power
+move on of their own accord, and wash away the very vestige of
+resistance. Asking to <i>be</i> forgiven after slamming a door is like
+touching off a Rodman gun, and then calling out to the fort in front to
+'look out' 'take care!' 'do get out of the way.' A first class slam is
+cumulative long after the noise has ceased&mdash;the nerves go on
+slamming&mdash;the valves of the heart flap to and from&mdash;the tympanum roils a
+revelrie to all the shattered senses, the offender slammed at, at once
+subsides from rage to fear; the mental barometer falls&mdash;and
+apprehension&mdash;the requiescat&mdash;is a don't know what is coming next. A
+bona fide, abandoned slam is a Domestic Earthquake.</p>
+
+<p>I next sat down on my Mexican chair, and waited for the rapid hatching
+of the egg. A register led up from the kitchen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> into my room, and though
+never used, formed one of those abominable listening tubes that might be
+truthfully called family tale-bearers. This time, however, I had the
+pleasure of overhearing the following fragmentary evidence of a
+reaction:</p>
+
+<p>'He must be crazy.' 'Did he drink much after dinner?' 'I say, you have
+been here longer than I have, have you ever seen him so before?' Then a
+giggle, and some one saying: 'Is he married?'</p>
+
+<p>'Sabina, ain't you ashamed to laugh?'&mdash;'poor thing&mdash;won't
+stay&mdash;gallows'&mdash;then silence, and in a few minutes one after another of
+the visitors passed by under the window on tip-toe, and almost
+immediately a soft knock and a pause. I thought &nbsp; * * * &nbsp; and acted.</p>
+
+<p>'Come in,' said I, in one of those gentle and subdued voices that no one
+but a passionate man can possess. The door gradually opened, and there
+stood Susan, the devoted aunt.</p>
+
+<p>I had placed a volume of engravings before my eyes, and was busily
+engaged in drawing some plan, on paper, as she entered. I went on for a
+little while in silence, when she said:</p>
+
+<p>'I understood, sir&mdash;&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>I said 'wait a minute,' and went on ruling one entire side, with double
+lines, in perfect forgetfulness of her presence.</p>
+
+<p>When she spoke again, 'Did you send for me, sir?' I would have answered
+at once, for I felt awfully at appearing such a tyro; but the case was a
+desperate one of long standing, and required heroic treatment. I kept
+her waiting, at first as a lesson, that her imagination might take wings
+and fly to the uttermost realms of unhappiness. The second time, I
+thought I detected a little impatience in her voice, so I said, taking a
+pen and dipping it in red ink, 'wait one moment, Susan,' and went on
+lining and interlining. This was not reading, studying, nor writing; it
+was what she very well knew I could do any time. So it told on her. Each
+moment her valor oozed out, and as soon as I felt that the cup of
+bitterness was pretty well drained, I proceeded to offer up this victim
+as a sacrifice to peace.</p>
+
+<p>'Susan, how is your sister's child?'</p>
+
+<p>I looked straight into her. There was no sternness or smartness in my
+expression, but the gaze was mathematical. I was measuring her candor,
+and analyzing her mind.</p>
+
+<p>She colored up and said, 'he's no better, sir; and they've given him up:
+but the doctor says good nursing will do wonders.'</p>
+
+<p>'I think so, too. Go back to your sister and stay till he is better; I
+will supply your place.'</p>
+
+<p>This puzzled her, but she could say nothing. I meant 'go' and she
+went.&mdash;There was no delay&mdash;I saw her walk by the window almost at once,
+and overheard the whisper, 'who next?'</p>
+
+<p>I now rang the bell, and Dinah came to the door, saying, before she
+knocked, the waiter is out, sir, so I answered your ring.</p>
+
+<p>'Do you know where Thomas lives?'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Then tell him I want him now&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes sir,' she disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>Oh the benefit of that <i>slam</i>.</p>
+
+<p>In half an hour in walked Thomas.</p>
+
+<p>'Never do you enter my room without knocking. It is a piece of
+impertinence I will not put up with.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'I did not mean anything by it, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, don't do it again, and always take your hat off when you come
+before a gentleman or lady. Such ignorance might lose you a good place.'</p>
+
+<p>His wages were high I knew. It was also winter, and he gave in. He stood
+still with his hat in hand and waited.</p>
+
+<p>'Thomas I want you to bring the close carriage to the door with the two
+bays.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes sir; but the off horse cast his hind shoe yesterday and I am
+afraid.'</p>
+
+<p>'You need not be, the ground is covered with snow. I shall want the
+carriage in fifteen minutes.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes sir, but&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'But what?'</p>
+
+<p>'I left the carriage this morning at the blacksmiths to have a new tire
+put on it, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Who told you to?'</p>
+
+<p>'Nobody, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Then never do anything of that kind again without first reporting it to
+me.'</p>
+
+<p>'Yes sir,' moving slightly towards the door as though it was all settled
+now.</p>
+
+<p>'What other vehicle have you got in the stable?'</p>
+
+<p>'The Ph&aelig;ton, sir; the open box wagon and the carryall.'</p>
+
+<p>'Very well then, bring the nigh horse round in the carryall.'</p>
+
+<p>'He never went in single harness since I drove Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, then, put the other one in.'</p>
+
+<p>'Nor him neither, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Humph!' it looked a little black.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, where is the other horse, the gray, that your mistress always
+drives when alone?'</p>
+
+<p>'He is at the veterinary surgeons, sir.&mdash;I took him there last Monday
+and he is to be blistered for two weeks off and on, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Thomas, as the coachman of the family, I ask you what can be
+done.</p>
+
+<p>'I <i>must</i> go out to-night. Can you suggest anything?'</p>
+
+<p>'Nothing but to hire a hack, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'That's a very good idea, how far is the livery stable from here?'</p>
+
+<p>'Just next to where I live, sir. I can get one in a minute, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>Oh! so cheerfully.</p>
+
+<p>'Very well, Thomas, just harness the two bays and ride down there and
+put them to one. Tell the livery stable keeper that I wish it, and will
+pay for the use of it.'</p>
+
+<p>'But, sir, it is&mdash;&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Thomas, I would advise you not to be long. You ought to be ashamed to
+call yourself a coachman, and have what is under your charge in such a
+condition. The idea of a horse two days without a shoe.'</p>
+
+<p>'It isn't my&mdash;&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'Not a word&mdash;go and do your duty in future. I shall expect you here in
+half an hour.'</p>
+
+<p>He backed out of the room, longing to say something (what it was I don't
+care) but completely at sea. As he passed under my window, (though I
+have not sworn for many years,) I am pretty sure I heard several full
+sized oaths. At the appointed time the bell rang and I went out and got
+into the carriage. The horses looked very warm, and, though the night
+was cold, one was covered with foam. I said nothing, but told him to
+drive to Susan's sister's.</p>
+
+<p>On arriving at the door, I heard sounds of very lively music for a dying
+child, and saw the house all lighted up.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>'Oh, I understand, it is one of those Hibernian wakes. Poor thing!' and
+I began to pardon Susan, feel sorry for the coachman, and made up my
+mind to give $10 towards the sepulchral expenses. As I entered the
+house, surcharged with benevolence and overcome by a repentant feeling,
+I caught sight of Susan and a strapping man whirling round the floor to
+the tune of the Irish Washwoman. I approached her and said, 'I hope he
+is better.' She uttered a scream and ran out of the room.</p>
+
+<p>The next morning after having gone over everything in the house, I sent
+for each servant and told them quietly but firmly that my sister's
+health was not very good, and that I was housekeeper&mdash;that as they had
+engaged to fill certain positions, I should take it for granted they
+understood their business; that I had neither the time nor would I take
+the trouble to overlook their work, but that as soon as I saw anything
+wrong they would hear from me. If they wanted anything I was the person.
+My housekeeping hours were from 9 till 10 a. m., no more. If they could
+not take the trouble to ask for what they wanted at that time, they
+could go without till the next day. I should not tell them what to do or
+when to do it, but if it wasn't done, they would certainly leave. That I
+allowed no company and gave them certain nights to go out, but if
+anything special and <i>true</i> was the matter I was ready to assist, 'and
+now,' said I, 'no quarreling down stairs; each one to their work and no
+complaining.&mdash;The moment you are discontented come to me and you can go
+at once if you choose. I do not want any notice ever, except where a
+baby is concerned.' This done I then advertised for a cook. The next day
+my cook, down stair, came up to me quite flushed, and wanted to know if
+I intended to turn her away. I said no, I had no idea of it, but thought
+it was a very good plan to have two in the house; that I intended making
+the new one a waiter, and then if anything happened, such as the sudden
+departure, 'of my cook,' I said, looking right at her, 'for you know
+they are quick tempered, why then I have one on hand.' She colored up
+and retired. After going through a great deal of nonsense about the
+words 'help' and 'servants,' I at length got what I wanted and all went
+on smoothly for a time.</p>
+
+<p>My plan for detecting neglect in the cleaning of a room, was to stick
+half a dozen pins in different places about it&mdash;some on the walls, in
+the window and other places that ought to be wiped. If I found them
+there after the cleaning, I became suddenly very disagreeable.</p>
+
+<p>During my sister's administration, I had been obliged to wait sometimes
+three weeks before she could find time, for her servants, to put a
+button on my waistcoat. Now, when I wanted anything done, the first
+person that passed my library door was stopped, no matter what her work
+might be at the time, sent for a clothes brush, needle or hammar, and
+the thing was done at once. It acted like a charm, and all went on well.
+At first they objected, (only silently), but I told them plainly that I
+hired them for my benefit, not theirs, which generally followed; and
+that though their work was specified to a certain degree, they must on
+all occasions answer any calls and pay always for breakage. This last
+saved twenty dollars a month, for hardly anything under those expensive
+circumstances, fell<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> of their hands; and I noticed the plea of 'sudden
+change of weather,' or 'some one must have disturbed it,' or 'that
+horrid cat has been among those dishes and upset them,' or 'twas cracked
+before,' became as worn out as aphorisms of the past. I was always very
+attentive to them when sick. This tells, in the long run, on servants,
+for they are very susceptible to a kind act out of place&mdash;indulgence,
+however, is soon forgotten. I always made it a habit, too, to pay each
+servant something more a month than any one else. That, also, acted
+wonderfully like a retainer. But I distinctly told them I wanted my work
+done, because it was paid for. I asked no favors. Two other rules saved
+me much trouble. When a girl said she couldn't do any set job, on
+account of no time, no matter what it was, I always said, 'why, that's
+all nonsense; it only takes five minutes;' and not infrequently have I
+irritated them into doing almost impossibilities. I never valued any
+cheap article under five dollars.</p>
+
+<p>Another great mistake, is to find fault with a servant before any one.
+Have they done wrong, go to your library and ring loudly&mdash;that is half
+the battle; then tell the waiter to call the chambermaid, and then
+speak. You will find everything easy. They have had time to reflect; to
+weigh the pros and cons, and have half thought themselves into
+submission. Never argue. If you have the right exert it, but never be
+unjust; and, above all, believe me when I tell you that their feelings
+are exquisite on the subject of neglect. Let them once feel a <i>respect</i>
+for you, yet know you are determined to have anything done, and a simple
+remark will lie like lead on their stomach, and you will hear them
+talking of it down stairs and using the bow anchor of firmness, 'he said
+so,' until it is done. Never change your mind.</p>
+
+<p>I remember once, during that memorable interregnum of three months, and,
+in fact, the only time in my life did it happen.&mdash;I had invited some
+very pleasant, agreeable and talented friends to spend the evening. I
+ordered my supper in the morning, and it commenced to snow. I continued
+giving orders, and it continued snowing, and we kept at it very close on
+to each other; if anything, the snow was a little ahead, but I went on
+in the same way. At the proposed time the gas was lit, a lantern was
+placed on the piazza; snow swept off; the side gate unhung by the waiter
+man, and a path made. The snow piled high, and the domestics began to
+give in, or out, I don't know which. They doubted the probability of any
+one venturing out that 'dreadful night.' A little later, they began to
+talk among themselves of the improbability of any one coming. I
+immediately ordered the gas turned up in full; the candles lit, and the
+supper table laid&mdash;every dish put in its place empty, to be filled at
+the proper time&mdash;all for discipline. (I had said it was to be done in
+the morning.) I then went up stairs and dressed. My sister, who had
+gained five pounds every week since her abdication, met me in the
+drawing room, dressed elegantly, and with an encouraging air pressed my
+hand. She did not dare to make a remark, or the contract would have been
+violated; but I thought I could detect in her eye an acknowledgment of
+my success. As I sauntered through the brilliantly lighted rooms, rather
+depressed at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> the non-arrival of my guests, the waiter said Thomas would
+like to speak to me. I immediately went to the star chamber and took an
+easy position.</p>
+
+<p>A knock this time.</p>
+
+<p>'Come in.'</p>
+
+<p>In walked Thomas with his hat in his hand and bowing respectively, he
+said&mdash;'I have just come from the stable Mr. D'Aubrey, and thought you
+would like to know about the storm, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'What storm?' I exclaimed, 'oh, you mean the snow storm, yes&mdash;is it
+still snowing?' At that moment the window was crackling with the hail.</p>
+
+<p>'Yes sir, and I thought I'd tell you that no one could come out
+to-night, for a horse without a wagon could not walk one hundred yards.'</p>
+
+<p>'Thank you, Thomas, give the bay mare more corn to-morrow and call
+Henry.'&mdash;Henry, the waiter, came in expecting orders to put away the
+<i>clean</i> things and lock up for it was ten, and not a soul had arrived.
+'Order supper Henry at eleven.'</p>
+
+<p>'For whom, sir?'</p>
+
+<p>'For me&mdash;what are you waiting for?'</p>
+
+<p>'How much, sir,' said he, in a bewildered air. 'All of it.'</p>
+
+<p>He looked anxious. He could not classify me, but discipline must be
+carried out, so Mary and I sat down to enough for twenty-five persons,
+who had never known the pangs of dyspepsia. As soon as we had finished I
+ordered a large portion of it down stairs, for the benefit of the
+servants and retired. They all looked pleased and I was satisfied. Mrs.
+Phillips had the nightmare at about two o'clock.</p>
+
+<p>Before I took charge, the allies of my household were accustomed to
+come in at all hours and sit up till they were too sleepy to go to bed,
+looking the next morning like wet blotting paper. But that was soon
+stopped. For the morning of my address to them I stated that the house
+was shut up at ten p. m., and now and then it was amusing to hear the
+door open as the clock struck.</p>
+
+<p>One night at about twelve as I was sitting at my desk in the library, I
+heard someone trying to get in. I knew it was the waiter who had slipped
+out without leave, so I turned out the gas, put my head out of the
+window and said 'I know it must be a robber, for they are all in,' and
+seeing his form I fired off my revolver overhead.&mdash;No servant ever tried
+again to enter by stealing in after hours. When my sister kept house I
+suffered much for want of dishes during many days in the week.&mdash;There
+was very little variety.</p>
+
+<p>Sundays we had only potatoes and cold meat.</p>
+
+<p>'Why,' I asked.</p>
+
+<p>'They must go to church, my dear brother.'</p>
+
+<p>Mondays, one fry, not even a roast, it was washing day, all the heat
+must be turned off from the oven for the boiler.&mdash;The cook wouldn't have
+it roasted in front, the only true way.</p>
+
+<p>So no dessert could be baked.</p>
+
+<p>Tuesdays I could have no company for it was ironing day, and the irons
+filled up the range and nothing extra could be made. I submitted to my
+sister.</p>
+
+<p>But now I had soup every day, and whenever I saw anything very good in
+market I ordered it home and had it cook<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>ed. Strange isn't it, with the
+same range and the same cook? Before my reign we could not breakfast
+till nine, the cook said that the milkman came so late. During my reign
+we breakfasted at eight punctually, for I suggested to her the propriety
+of rising at six instead of seven and letting him in on his first trip
+instead of taking the milk from him on his return. My sister was obliged
+to tell her two or three days before hand that she was going to have
+company, that she might have time to get everything ready for dinner. I
+frequently brought home two or three guests with fish and game in the
+same carriage and ordered it as the fourth course while partaking of
+soup. On one occasion I brought in partridges twenty minutes before
+dinner. I went down stairs knowing she would be roused this time, and
+flanked her by saying, 'Hannah, you won't have time to pick those birds,
+so just draw them and <i>skin</i> them. I want them roasted.' Before she
+recovered from her astonishment I had departed.</p>
+
+<p>Whenever a quarrel down stairs took place I never interfered as long as
+they did not talk loud, but the next day if I noticed any one in the
+sulks or a tendency to let things go by, I had the furniture of one room
+changed to another. This required 'all hands' to work together, and I
+made them fly round so, that when it was done they were only too happy
+to go to lunch and rest, and I could hear many a joke and pleasant laugh
+rise from the kitchen table.</p>
+
+<p>One rainy evening, as my sister and myself were sitting in front of the
+wood fire, exactly two months since the famous contract, and very much
+in the same position, and talking over everything but it, a timid knock
+was heard. I said 'come in,' and Sabina entered, looking very healthy
+and neat&mdash;I cannot say pretty, though she had a good figure.</p>
+
+<p>I never asked questions on these occasions. I always made it difficult
+for them to talk in this, to them, gloomy room.&mdash;They had to stumble
+through themselves.</p>
+
+<p>'Can I speak to you, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Certainly, Sabina&mdash;go on.'</p>
+
+<p>'I have come to say, sir, that&mdash;that&mdash;I have came to say, sir, that'&mdash;a
+pause; she looked very guilty.</p>
+
+<p>'That's right, Sabina; you have come to say that&mdash;I understand&mdash;but what
+have you come to say?'</p>
+
+<p>'I have come to say, sir, that&mdash;I have come to go, sir!'</p>
+
+<p>I controlled myself. She was an excellent chambermaid; understood my
+ways thoroughly; and did her work well; had always been respectful to
+<i>me</i>, and was very steady. It would be a great loss, but <span class="smcap">discipline</span> must
+be preserved, and my mind was at once made up. My sister looked
+surprised and sorry right out.</p>
+
+<p>'Well, Sabina, when do you wish to go.'</p>
+
+<p>'On Saturday, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>Oh how my sister wanted to speak, but I looked at the tin box that held
+the contract and she bit her lip.</p>
+
+<p>'Very well, Sabina, you have a perfect right to go when and where you
+please, and I will take great pleasure in writing out an excellent
+character for you. Let me see, (looking at my account book) that is two
+weeks wages making $8. I never make presents, but as you are going here
+is a ten dollar bill. Where would you like<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> your trunk carried, tell me
+and I will send it by Thomas Saturday morning?'</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! it isn't that, sir,' said she, 'but&mdash;but, sir,' with the tears
+flowing rapidly.</p>
+
+<p>'Why, what is the matter, Sabina?' (the first question apart from
+business I had ever asked.)</p>
+
+<p>'I don't want to leave you, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Well, that is strange, then why do you?' (business question.)</p>
+
+<p>'I'm going, sir&mdash;I'm going, sir, to&mdash;be&mdash;married!' and she burst into
+tears.</p>
+
+<p>(I congratulated myself on being a bachelor, if conjugal affection
+produced such an effect.)</p>
+
+<p>'Oh! that's it,' said I, dryly. 'Well I hope you will be happy.'</p>
+
+<p>'But you've been so kind, sir, you&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>'There now stop, I have only tried to be just,' said I, looking
+exultingly at my smiling sister, who took off a little gold stud and
+gave it to her with many wishes of a happy life.</p>
+
+<p>Everything went on regularly as clock-work. There was a place for
+everything, and everything in its place. When the bell rang during dear
+Mary's sway, it continued to ring, and on one occasion, a friend met me
+in the street and said:</p>
+
+<p>'Why William, have you moved?'</p>
+
+<p>I replied no, that we were very comfortable where we were, 'why do you
+ask?'</p>
+
+<p>'That's very strange,' said he, 'we called yesterday at one o'clock and
+rang for twenty minutes. No one coming we concluded you had left for
+Europe.'</p>
+
+<p>'No,' I said, feeling rather confused, 'the waiter I believe is subject
+to sciatica. At times he is taken suddenly and cannot move, and the
+reason we did not hear the bell, (I looked away as I said so,) his cries
+of pain are such that you cannot hear yourself speak.'</p>
+
+<p>Now the door is answered before the first ring stops sounding. For I
+arranged it so as to vibrate long enough to give a person time to go
+from any part of the house in exactly two minutes; and no man of the
+world rings oftener than once every three minutes. I would not have
+written all this but my blessed sister soon entirely followed out my
+reformation and is fairly convinced, as she says, that when a man sets
+about any matter, he is very thorough: clear headed; and, above all, not
+easily put down.</p>
+
+<p>Oh! if all women thought so! eh, Mr. Caudle? I knew one learned gentleman
+who only desired peace and good food. His wife never allowed him to
+offer a suggestion. She called him a genius, and made him mind.</p>
+
+<p>Formerly Mary rose thoughtful, with the pressure of business on her
+brain. At meals she was abstracted, often worried, and at all times the
+repository of domestic troubles. Her healthy organization was altogether
+too mesmerized by the petty warfare below stairs. She was never idle,
+and yet rarely accomplished anything for <i>herself</i>. Her position in the
+household might have been called that of <span class="smcap">grand finisher</span>. She planned
+work and waited for its completion in vain. Finally she would bring it
+into the library and stitch&mdash;stitch&mdash;all through the pleasant evenings.
+I knew this, for I laid a plan. One April I asked her to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> work me a pair
+of slippers on cloth. I presume a clever woman, undisturbed, could have
+delivered them over to me at the end of the week. Now, no one is more
+clever than my sister; yet I did not get those slippers till December;
+and then she handed them to me in sadness, and said, with an attempt at
+cheerfulness, 'dear William, I worked one myself, but my duties are such
+that I gave out the other to that poor woman whose husband is at sea.
+Has'nt she done it well?' Now, I find her reading, paying visits, and
+often of an evening she comes to me and says, 'William, would'nt you
+like some new handkerchiefs embroidered?' or 'can't I mend anything for
+you? I have just finished my music and have nothing to do.'</p>
+
+<p>On another occasion, while she was mending&mdash;not making reader&mdash;but
+<i>mending</i>, her children's clothes, I offered to read one of Ik Marvel's
+reveries of a bachelor, a special favorite of mine. She thanked me, and I
+proceeded. On finishing one of his admirable paragraphs, I put the book
+down and exclaimed, 'isn't that capital?'</p>
+
+<p>She said at once, 'no, I think it is very discouraging.'</p>
+
+<p>'Discouraging! Why, what in the world do you mean, Mary?'</p>
+
+<p>'Excuse me, William, but I was'nt listening. The fact of it is, there
+has been another row down stairs, and I do think that girl ought to be
+ashamed of herself to treat Susan so;' and then for <i>one</i> hour a
+topographical and analytical history of the entire household was gone
+into, with a <i>con amore</i> spirit, which lasted through two segars and a
+glass of water. I never spoke. On these occasions they don't want you
+to talk; only to listen. They say in a sweet and confiding manner, 'you
+know I have no one to sympathize with me;' and off they go, like the
+recitation of Pope's Homer, made by some school girl who has been
+sentenced to run through so many lines. I slipped the reveries into
+their place, so that she would not be hurt, and I do assure you that
+when she had got through I believe if you had asked her suddenly 'who
+discovered America?' she would have replied 'An Irishman&mdash;I forget his
+name.'</p>
+
+<p>Formerly there was ever a business gravity about her: now she always
+appeared with a sweet smile that lit up her countenance, as though it
+had been sprinkled all over with sun-powder.</p>
+
+<p>Difficult indeed was it for Mary to order anything without an advance
+notice, for otherwise she was forced to start her little bark through
+the Scylla and Charybdis of 'fire island,' namely, 'The fire's too low,
+marm;' or 'I've just put on coal, marm.'</p>
+
+<p>Now she reads to me herself, and marks the prettiest passages in
+Tennyson, which no woman could find out if her understanding had been
+mortgaged by servants.</p>
+
+<p>Before, no matter what dish of meat was set before me, it was always
+<i>dry</i>, or the gravy made of butter and <i>water</i>. I have often seen mutton
+chops come on table looking like little islands of meat surrounded by
+water, on which might be detected a tickley benders of grease. Five
+minutes conversation on my part supplied the deficiency, and caused one
+can of lard to outlast six of those in olden times.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When I first took charge of the kitchen, the cook made one struggle&mdash;but
+only one. The reply to her question indicated such ignorance or
+indifference on my part, that everything suggested in future was served
+as directed, and well done. Having ordered many dishes one day&mdash;I don't
+know whether it was washing or ironing day, I never used to ask: I also
+gave the ingredients of a very nice pudding, and said 'can you make
+that?'</p>
+
+<p>'I know how, sir, but can't to-day.'</p>
+
+<p>'Why not?'</p>
+
+<p>'There is no room in the oven, you have filled it with your orders, and
+it is impossible to bake it this afternoon.'</p>
+
+<p>'You cannot bake it, then?'</p>
+
+<p>'No, sir.'</p>
+
+<p>'Then <i>broil</i> it!'</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Christmas Story, by Samuel W. Francis
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Christmas Story, by Samuel W. Francis
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Christmas Story
+       Man in His Element: or, A New Way to Keep House
+
+Author: Samuel W. Francis
+
+Release Date: July 6, 2006 [EBook #18770]
+[Date last updated: July 8, 2006]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A CHRISTMAS STORY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Curtis Weyant, Martin Pettit and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images produced by the Wright
+American Fiction Project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's note: Irregularities in punctuation which were present
+in the original have been corrected. Variants such as would'nt/wouldn't,
+could'nt/couldn't, was'nt/wasn't, have been retained.]
+
+
+                                 A
+
+                          CHRISTMAS STORY,
+
+
+                                BY
+
+                       DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS.
+
+
+
+                           PUBLISHED BY
+                         GEORGE H. MATHEWS,
+                      929 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.
+
+                              1867.
+
+
+                        A CHRISTMAS STORY.
+
+                        MAN IN HIS ELEMENT:
+                               OR,
+                      A NEW WAY TO KEEP HOUSE.
+
+                      BY DR. SAMUEL W. FRANCIS.
+
+
+
+
+PART I.
+
+_A WOMAN'S PLAN._
+
+
+'My dear Mary,' said I, one morning, to my widowed sister, as she sank
+into an arm chair in front of my library fire, and heaved a sigh replete
+with exhaustion and sadness:
+
+'What is the matter?'
+
+'Enough for a woman, William, but of course, nothing for an old bachelor
+like you, who have only to pay your own bills, eat your meals without
+the trouble of ordering them; lounge through a clean house with no
+chasing after servants to sweep and wash and dust; sit in your study,
+heaping log after log on your devoted andirons, and always meeting me
+with such a provoking cheerfulness, while I have not a moment to myself;
+am all the time running to give out stores to one girl; soap and starch
+to another; candles and linen to the chambermaid, and orders to the
+coachman; and, even then, I have no peace; for, no sooner do I sit in
+the nursery, hoping to derive a few minutes comfort from a quiet sew,
+than my ears are filled with the dissatisfaction of one girl; the
+complaints of another; the threatenings to leave of another, and the
+quarrels of all. I declare, William, I think it was too bad in you to
+insist on our leaving that comfortable boarding house, where we lived so
+much cheaper, and had no trouble. It was there, with my small family,
+that I appreciated the freedom from care that you old selfish,
+unsympathizing bachelors enjoy; and no wonder you laugh at us. The fact
+is, you don't know anything about it; you ----'
+
+'My dear Mary,' I repeated, 'you have said enough--I only ask for a few
+minutes to put this matter in a new light, and, in time, you yourself
+will be convinced.'
+
+'That's all very well, William, but what's the use of talking to you
+men. I never convinced one in my life. No sir! man is an animal that
+never acknowledges either that he is wrong, or that a woman is right. I
+tell you, servants are the bane of my existence. You cannot make them
+happy, do what you may. Why, only the other day I gave Jane a nice pair
+of gaiters that I had but partially worn out. She thanked me, and I felt
+pleased that I had done one kind action, though it was a self-denial.
+The very next morning, in coming out of the kitchen, I passed the ash
+barrel, and looked in it to see if the cinders would ever be sifted.
+What do you suppose I saw there, mixed up with lemon peel, tea leaves
+and ashes? My boots, William--the very pair I had given Jane the day
+before.'
+
+'Well what did you do?'
+
+'Do? Why as soon as I could recover I called her to me, and asked why
+she had thrown them there.' She said without any excitement, that was
+the worst of it, 'I couldn't wear them Madam.'
+
+'Why not?' I said.
+
+'They were too large for me.'
+
+'Too large for her, the jade--think of that'--
+
+'Don't say any more, Mary, I understand the case perfectly--and since we
+cannot argue upon the matter just listen to my views (without any
+interruption), in the form of a philosophical lecture. It will be very
+brief but to the point.
+
+'Though I have never kept house, as I am an old man I must have lived
+somewhere all my life. Being possessed of a healthy and observing
+intellect--I have seen and digested much; and it is all easy to my mind.
+I have heard you through as I have heard others through; I have seen
+your sufferings and your trials, as I have seen many, very many suffer
+and endure trials, and I have solved the problem and told it all to my
+segar!'
+
+'Well now that is selfish, William!'
+
+'Not at all my dear sister, what lady would tolerate the slightest
+interference with her housekeeping? How long would you permit me to stay
+here, in financial partnership, if I even offered one word of advice.'
+
+'Oh, how unjust, speak out now and let me hear what you have confided to
+your segar.'
+
+'Well, in the first place, there are two kinds of ways to keep house.
+No. one is to keep your servants; No. two is to be kept by them. Herein
+is the key note of much trouble. Another difficulty is fear. I have been
+perfectly amazed to listen to ladies when asking a waiter to do
+something for them. Just think of it. I heard Mrs. ----, at table the
+other day, turn round and look towards a red headed, uplifted girl, with
+a conciliatory smile and say, 'Betty, would you mind giving me a glass
+of water?'
+
+'Zounds madam, I wanted to scream!--and only last night, while paying a
+visit I heard a lady who rules her elegant husband to within an inch of
+his life, say to the waiter, 'John, please put on your things and muffle
+up well, for it is very cold and do take this note to Mrs. Henry's' and,
+almost with the same breath, she turned on her husband and said,
+'Albert, go down and get that medicine _at once_ for you know I cannot
+retire till I take it--you can see _your_ friend any time,' looking at
+me in a hard manner and then at the clock. 'Now what do you call that?
+That woman has courage to meet her equals and put all things straight;
+but a menial crushes her.'
+
+'Well, of course you don't understand those things, William, but I do.'
+
+'I suppose so, but I don't want to. It is all wrong--all _humbug_, all
+TRASH!' I exclaimed as my excitement knocked the ashes of my segar over
+my clean shirt.
+
+'What would you have us do?' exclaimed Mary, a little nettled at my last
+remark.
+
+'Do?' I replied, with emphasis; 'let the men keep house. Watch them, and
+learn the true method, which has for its motto,
+
+
+     "Maximum of work,
+     Minimum of trouble."'
+
+
+By this time I began to feel anxious.--My sister had gone off into a fit
+of laughter that at first greatly roused my ire, but ultimately
+awakened anxiety, for she could not gain her breath. I rang for a
+servant; of course none came, for she always had to call them. 'They
+were having such a good time down stairs, they could not hear the bell,'
+so I poured out a glass of water, and, while she drank, seized the
+poker; stirred up the dying embers; put on a good back log; lit a large
+and strong Cabana to lend zest to my courage, and prepared to make one
+more effort for victory.
+
+Gradually subsiding into a few occasional chromatic giggles, Mary looked
+through her beautiful eyes, glistening with tears of fun, and said, in a
+smothered whisper,
+
+'Well, and what would you do?'
+
+'Do?' I repeated. 'Let me have the reins for one month, and I will show
+you.'
+
+There! it was out, and I felt relieved.
+
+'But, William,' she whispered, pointing with anxiety to the door which
+stood ajar, 'how long do you suppose they would stay with you?'
+
+'Until they got married or died!' I answered with confidence, and,
+sitting bolt upright, I ran both thumbs under my waistcoat arm-holes and
+played on my chest with my fingers, while I puffed tremendously to
+envelope my countenance with smoke, the better to hide my ill-concealed
+smile.
+
+'You single men are too amusing, my dear brother,' said she, looking
+earnestly into my face and patting my shoulder with an expression of
+pity. 'To convince you that woman's mission is the care of domestic
+matters; and, as I would like a little rest combined with fun, I will
+turn over everything to you, and----'
+
+'Done!' I yelled with delight, and jumping up, I paced up and down the
+library like a prisoner freed from chains.--'Done! Oh! I thank you,
+Mary.'
+
+'Stop, young man,' she said, with assumed severity, 'hear the conditions
+of the bond.'
+
+'Write it down,' I said, in haste, 'and so long as I am to have the
+reins I will sign.'
+
+'Well, sir,' said she, entering with her old accustomed gaiety into the
+subject matter. 'I agree to let you keep house on the following
+conditions:' naming a good many, which I listened to with marked
+interest, and finally condensed into the form of a written contract,
+though no lawyer; for fear, as I told her, she would violate the
+premises. As well as I can remember, for it was many years ago--it ran
+as follows:
+
+'This agreement made this 24th November, 1853, between Mary Walters of
+the city, county and state of New York, being party of the first part,
+and William d'Aubrey of the said city, county and state of New York,
+party of the second part, witnesseth as follows: Said party of the first
+part agrees, covenants and binds herself, heirs and assinines--I mean
+assigns--to surrender, demise and make over all claim, right and title
+to housekeeping, and all matters pertaining to the welfare of household
+economy, whether trivial or special, to the party of the second part;
+moreover delivering up all accounts, keys and inventory of stores now on
+hand, and all claim, right or title to the management of each and every
+person living, or about to live in premises known as 'Villa Felice,'
+situated at the outskirts of the city of ---- in the State of ----, for
+the period of three months. Now, in consideration of this obligation on
+the party of the first part, the party of the second part covenants,
+agrees and binds himself, his heirs and assinines--I mean assigns--to
+act conscientiously for the benefit of all the inhabitants of said
+'Villa Felice,' whether male or female;--and moreover pledges himself
+never by word or deed to consult, ask questions of, molest by
+interrogated words, or lead on by indirect remarks, the party of the
+first part; to impart, give over or yield up, any information on or
+concerning the subject or principle of housekeeping--(this last clause
+my sister insisted on in a most impressive manner--so I added the
+following,) and it is distinctly understood, comprehended by, and agreed
+to between both parties, that the party of the first part interferes
+with, molests, makes the subject of remark, indirectly or directly,
+impugns or maligns, the party of the second party in the pursuit of
+lawful proceedings neither by appeal, nor by entreaty, nor by satire,
+irony, libel, gossip, hinted evidence or such other expressions of
+mental feeling which are unseemly and tend to weaken man's power or
+involve in confusion a settled purpose. Said agreement to take effect at
+once on the signing of this contract,' made in duplicate.
+
+Signed, sealed and delivered the afore-written day, month and year, in
+the presence of       Witness,
+            MARY WALTERS, [seal.]
+            WILLIAM D'AUBREY, [seal.]
+
+
+We both signed, and then remembered a witness was necessary. 'I will
+call Thomas,' said Mary. 'He won't know what we have written.' I bowed
+with a legal stiffness, and waited. She rang--no response.
+
+She rang again. A loud laughter in the kitchen caused her to say, as
+usual, 'Oh! they cannot hear the bell,' and she tripped off lightly and
+called 'Susan! Susan! _Susan!_' 'and but the booming roars replied and
+fast the talk rolled on.' 'Susan,' said she, gently, over the
+bannisters.
+
+'Susan is out, marm,' said a granite voice from the second story.
+
+'Don't speak so loud, marm. Johnny has just gone to sleep, and I've had
+such trouble with him all the evening; he must have caught cold going to
+dancing school. You know, marm I begged you not to send him.
+
+'Mrs. Phillips,' whispered Mary, in a crushed voice, 'where has Susan
+gone?'
+
+'She went to her sister's, marm. Her child is very ill with the small
+pox, and she said she knew, if you knew he might die, that you would let
+her go and sit up with him this last night, poor, dear soul, bless his
+heart!'
+
+Oh, how I chuckled!
+
+'Why, Mrs. Phillips, just come down stairs, please; I want to speak to
+you.--Come into the library, only Mr. D'Aubrey is here.'
+
+(Humph! ONLY Mr. D'Aubrey!--'Oh, for to-morrow!')
+
+Enter Mrs. Phillips, one of those fat, pylygastric nurses, who divide
+the twenty-four hours into four days, so as to have three meals to each
+of their diurnal revolutions; whose digestive organs, if they could
+speak, would strike for wages; whose eyes move but never look; their
+atmosphere--what Germans might call expression--being that of massive
+rest.
+
+She slides into the room and immediately sits down, moving her eyes up
+to her mistress with a patient and slightly suffering expression, while
+the process of deglutition is slowly going on.
+
+I seize a book, pamphlet, anything, hold it in front of my face, and
+bite my segar in two.
+
+'Did I understand you to say, Mrs. Phillips, that Susan had gone to sit
+up with a _small pox_ patient?'
+
+'Her nephew, yes marm.'
+
+'Oh, how very wrong in her--how--'
+
+'I don't think so, marm.'
+
+I ground my teeth.
+
+'Why Mrs. Phillips?'
+
+'The boy marm, may not be yours, but it is her _kin_ and she ought to
+know her duty to a sister's child.'
+
+'Yes, but she might bring the disease to my little children!
+she'--'That's in the hands of Providence, marm.'
+
+I ram a handkerchief down my mouth and choke--
+
+'Well, as it is not your fault I need not speak to you--but please be so
+kind as to call Thomas, I only want him for a moment.' The celebrated
+Mrs. Phillips heaved a sigh, pregnant with bread, butter, cold meat and
+ale; and slid out of the room, crunching her way down stairs. I peeped
+at my sister--she looked pale and very anxiously perplexed, I pinched
+myself and kept silent. In a few minutes a voice was heard singing up
+the back stairs and--enter Sabina spread out with starch and heavily
+pomaded hair. 'Mrs. Phillips sent me to tell you marm that she had to
+make her gruel and the fire was low--and that Thomas had gone home.'
+
+'Why, what time is it, Sabina?'
+
+'_Eight_ o'clock,' I enunciate distinctly. For one moment Mary's eyes
+lit up with something like heroism, but before she could frame a
+sentence, the playful want of interest exhibited by Sabina, who leaned
+against the mantel-piece, straightening her cuffs, did the business, and
+she collapsed.
+
+'Please tell Thomas, when he comes to-morrow, Sabina, I would rather not
+have him go home quite as early, because you see,' (oh how I mentally
+groaned at this humiliating nonsense,) 'I might want him. You won't
+forget, will you, Sabina?'
+
+'No, marm. Is there anything else?' Having now made herself prim, and
+taken a quiet survey of the library and viewed me carefully, she was now
+desirous of retiring.
+
+'One moment, Sabina,' said Mary, beginning to realize her false position
+before me, 'Who is down stairs?'
+
+'Well, I couldn't tell you, marm.'
+
+'Why not?'
+
+'There are so many.'
+
+'How, do you mean so many?'
+
+'Why, marm, it's the cook's birthday; and she thought you would'nt mind
+her having a few friends, so she invited her _cousins_,' (looking at me
+as though she would ask, 'what have you got to say to that, Mr. Man?')
+
+'Well, Sabina,' said Mary, coloring up in confusion, 'just sign your
+name to this--it is only as a witness.'
+
+'I cannot write, marm,' answered dandy Amazon, very short at being
+exposed.
+
+'Then send Elizabeth here.'
+
+'She is out too, marm.'
+
+'What? Elizabeth has gone out?'
+
+'Yes marm, you see,' (becoming confidential,) 'the cook and her has
+quarrelled like--she neglected to ask her to her little party till late
+this evening, and so she got huffy and put on her things and dashed out
+of the house,' (at this time I had either an attack of the ague or was
+laughing so hard internally that it leaked through.)
+
+'Is Dinah in?'
+
+'Yes marm.'
+
+'Ask her, please, to come here.'
+
+Sabina tripped off with a satisfied air, and five--ten--fifteen minutes
+elapsed and no Ellen. I took out my memorandum and quickly wrote down a
+few valuable plans on the coming campaign. The clock struck half past
+eight, and my sister opened the entry door and listened--the kitchen
+door soon shut and somebody came up stairs slowly, with a waiter full of
+something.
+
+'Is that you, Dinah?'
+
+'Yes marm.'
+
+'Why didn't you come before?'
+
+'I don't know, mum.'
+
+'Didn't Sabina tell you I wanted you?'
+
+'No, mum. She told me you wanted to know how many were down stairs, and
+I counted seventeen.'
+
+'Take care Dinah, you're spilling that milk!'
+
+'I can't help it, this pitcher leaks.'
+
+'Where's the children's bowl?'
+
+'I don't know, mum--I think it's broke.'
+
+'Broken! Why, I bought a new one yesterday.'
+
+''Tain't my fault.'
+
+Hopelessly resigned, my sister Mary politely requested her to put down
+the waiter, and explained the nature of a witness's duty. We
+acknowledged our signatures and Dinah wrote out her name in a neat hand,
+then picked up the waiter and walked out of the room with the air of an
+injured innocent.
+
+I jumped up, kissed my sister, informed her that for the next three
+months she was to be a _passive_ observer, asked her to retire, locked
+up the contract, and gave the bell one pull that brought half the
+household to the door.
+
+
+
+
+PART II.
+
+_A MAN'S PLAN._
+
+
+As the servants rushed into the library they found me quietly reading a
+book and puffing at the pages. I slightly raised my eyes to this back
+ground of faces on which might be seen, surprise, anger, impertinence,
+curiosity and excitement. I slowly placed my book half open across my
+knee, with my hand resting on the cover, and with the other taking my
+segar out of my mouth, knocked the ashes off into a little glass tub;
+elevated my eyebrows and asked in perfect astonishment, yet measured
+tones:
+
+'What-is-the-matter?'
+
+'That's what we want to know sir;' exclaimed the cook, a little let down
+by my coolness.
+
+'Nothing that I know of,' I replied, except that I took the liberty of
+ringing my bell,' increasing in volume as I spoke.
+
+'We thought some one was sick, sir,' said Sabina.
+
+'I don't want to know what _you_ thought,' I rolled out in emphatic
+base, 'I want the WAITER! which is _it_?'--That neuter cut them to the
+heart.
+
+But they rallied--a revolt was imminent. I had lived in the family one
+year, with my sister as housekeeper, and had never made a remark to the
+servants, it being my habit in life to submit to what was not my
+business, or clear out. But now--_now_, with Imprimatur on my forehead,
+a clutch in my mental fingers, and a hungry longing to rule free: ha!
+ha!--Let us see. This was a trying moment--The vessel had been
+signalled, and my colors were to be shown--so here they go--the flag of
+the little brig 'one-man-power,' with the motto 'Anvil or hammar answer
+hammar,' is unfurled.
+
+Hemmed in by swelling indignation, whisperings and sullen looks, I
+jumped up and yelled in stentorian voice:
+
+'Leave my room! How dare you answer the waiter's bell? Send me the
+waiter and clear out, every one of you!' and, with a sweeping wave of my
+hand, I stalked towards the door. Reader, did you ever see the sun chase
+a big cloud right off a green field, and, with no respite, drive it
+headlong away over beyond the horizon? Such was the rapid departure of
+my stupefied retainers. On reaching the door, I slammed it to with a
+violence that echoed through the hushed and palsied house.
+
+Oh the benefit of a good slam--not a push--nor a quick shut--nor even a
+bump, all of which show still a want of firmness and decision--but a
+good old-fashioned 'bang' as though it had got into your throat and you
+could'nt breathe--that life depended on shutting out a flash of
+lightning and you hadn't time to wait--that the harder you impelled it
+against the doorway the sooner would end fast fleeting agony--that the
+nearer you got to what might be called an _explosive shut_: the more
+complete would be your safety, that if all your concentrated passion
+could be, not flung, (that is too weak) but hurled at that one partition
+a vacuum might be made in your room towards which good impulses might be
+drawn inversely. Many a good natured man who has been cornered by
+injustice has slammed off his anger, and is ready to forgive, but not
+give up. There is a dignity in this rapid developement of muscular power
+which admits of no surrender--the gauntlet has been thrown down, the
+chip has been knocked off the shoulder, the black flag is hoisted and
+skull and bones stand out in bold relief. There may be a calm, the wind
+may die out, but the monster waves once lashed up to a Titanic power
+move on of their own accord, and wash away the very vestige of
+resistance. Asking to _be_ forgiven after slamming a door is like
+touching off a Rodman gun, and then calling out to the fort in front to
+'look out' 'take care!' 'do get out of the way.' A first class slam is
+cumulative long after the noise has ceased--the nerves go on
+slamming--the valves of the heart flap to and from--the tympanum roils a
+revelrie to all the shattered senses, the offender slammed at, at once
+subsides from rage to fear; the mental barometer falls--and
+apprehension--the requiescat--is a don't know what is coming next. A
+bona fide, abandoned slam is a Domestic Earthquake.
+
+I next sat down on my Mexican chair, and waited for the rapid hatching
+of the egg. A register led up from the kitchen into my room, and though
+never used, formed one of those abominable listening tubes that might be
+truthfully called family tale-bearers. This time, however, I had the
+pleasure of overhearing the following fragmentary evidence of a
+reaction:
+
+'He must be crazy.' 'Did he drink much after dinner?' 'I say, you have
+been here longer than I have, have you ever seen him so before?' Then a
+giggle, and some one saying: 'Is he married?'
+
+'Sabina, ain't you ashamed to laugh?'--'poor thing--won't
+stay--gallows'--then silence, and in a few minutes one after another of
+the visitors passed by under the window on tip-toe, and almost
+immediately a soft knock and a pause. I thought * * * and acted.
+
+'Come in,' said I, in one of those gentle and subdued voices that no one
+but a passionate man can possess. The door gradually opened, and there
+stood Susan, the devoted aunt.
+
+I had placed a volume of engravings before my eyes, and was busily
+engaged in drawing some plan, on paper, as she entered. I went on for a
+little while in silence, when she said:
+
+'I understood, sir----'
+
+I said 'wait a minute,' and went on ruling one entire side, with double
+lines, in perfect forgetfulness of her presence.
+
+When she spoke again, 'Did you send for me, sir?' I would have answered
+at once, for I felt awfully at appearing such a tyro; but the case was a
+desperate one of long standing, and required heroic treatment. I kept
+her waiting, at first as a lesson, that her imagination might take wings
+and fly to the uttermost realms of unhappiness. The second time, I
+thought I detected a little impatience in her voice, so I said, taking a
+pen and dipping it in red ink, 'wait one moment, Susan,' and went on
+lining and interlining. This was not reading, studying, nor writing; it
+was what she very well knew I could do any time. So it told on her. Each
+moment her valor oozed out, and as soon as I felt that the cup of
+bitterness was pretty well drained, I proceeded to offer up this victim
+as a sacrifice to peace.
+
+'Susan, how is your sister's child?'
+
+I looked straight into her. There was no sternness or smartness in my
+expression, but the gaze was mathematical. I was measuring her candor,
+and analyzing her mind.
+
+She colored up and said, 'he's no better, sir; and they've given him up:
+but the doctor says good nursing will do wonders.'
+
+'I think so, too. Go back to your sister and stay till he is better; I
+will supply your place.'
+
+This puzzled her, but she could say nothing. I meant 'go' and she
+went.--There was no delay--I saw her walk by the window almost at once,
+and overheard the whisper, 'who next?'
+
+I now rang the bell, and Dinah came to the door, saying, before she
+knocked, the waiter is out, sir, so I answered your ring.
+
+'Do you know where Thomas lives?'
+
+'Yes sir.'
+
+'Then tell him I want him now--'
+
+'Yes sir,' she disappeared.
+
+Oh the benefit of that _slam_.
+
+In half an hour in walked Thomas.
+
+'Never do you enter my room without knocking. It is a piece of
+impertinence I will not put up with.'
+
+'I did not mean anything by it, sir.'
+
+'Well, don't do it again, and always take your hat off when you come
+before a gentleman or lady. Such ignorance might lose you a good place.'
+
+His wages were high I knew. It was also winter, and he gave in. He stood
+still with his hat in hand and waited.
+
+'Thomas I want you to bring the close carriage to the door with the two
+bays.'
+
+'Yes sir; but the off horse cast his hind shoe yesterday and I am
+afraid.'
+
+'You need not be, the ground is covered with snow. I shall want the
+carriage in fifteen minutes.'
+
+'Yes sir, but--'
+
+'But what?'
+
+'I left the carriage this morning at the blacksmiths to have a new tire
+put on it, sir.'
+
+'Who told you to?'
+
+'Nobody, sir.'
+
+'Then never do anything of that kind again without first reporting it to
+me.'
+
+'Yes sir,' moving slightly towards the door as though it was all settled
+now.
+
+'What other vehicle have you got in the stable?'
+
+'The Phaeton, sir; the open box wagon and the carryall.'
+
+'Very well then, bring the nigh horse round in the carryall.'
+
+'He never went in single harness since I drove Mrs. ----'
+
+'Well, then, put the other one in.'
+
+'Nor him neither, sir.'
+
+'Humph!' it looked a little black.
+
+'Well, where is the other horse, the gray, that your mistress always
+drives when alone?'
+
+'He is at the veterinary surgeons, sir.--I took him there last Monday
+and he is to be blistered for two weeks off and on, sir.'
+
+'Well, Thomas, as the coachman of the family, I ask you what can be
+done.
+
+'I _must_ go out to-night. Can you suggest anything?'
+
+'Nothing but to hire a hack, sir.'
+
+'That's a very good idea, how far is the livery stable from here?'
+
+'Just next to where I live, sir. I can get one in a minute, sir.'
+
+Oh! so cheerfully.
+
+'Very well, Thomas, just harness the two bays and ride down there and
+put them to one. Tell the livery stable keeper that I wish it, and will
+pay for the use of it.'
+
+'But, sir, it is----'
+
+'Thomas, I would advise you not to be long. You ought to be ashamed to
+call yourself a coachman, and have what is under your charge in such a
+condition. The idea of a horse two days without a shoe.'
+
+'It isn't my----'
+
+'Not a word--go and do your duty in future. I shall expect you here in
+half an hour.'
+
+He backed out of the room, longing to say something (what it was I don't
+care) but completely at sea. As he passed under my window, (though I
+have not sworn for many years,) I am pretty sure I heard several full
+sized oaths. At the appointed time the bell rang and I went out and got
+into the carriage. The horses looked very warm, and, though the night
+was cold, one was covered with foam. I said nothing, but told him to
+drive to Susan's sister's.
+
+On arriving at the door, I heard sounds of very lively music for a dying
+child, and saw the house all lighted up.
+
+'Oh, I understand, it is one of those Hibernian wakes. Poor thing!' and
+I began to pardon Susan, feel sorry for the coachman, and made up my
+mind to give $10 towards the sepulchral expenses. As I entered the
+house, surcharged with benevolence and overcome by a repentant feeling,
+I caught sight of Susan and a strapping man whirling round the floor to
+the tune of the Irish Washwoman. I approached her and said, 'I hope he
+is better.' She uttered a scream and ran out of the room.
+
+The next morning after having gone over everything in the house, I sent
+for each servant and told them quietly but firmly that my sister's
+health was not very good, and that I was housekeeper--that as they had
+engaged to fill certain positions, I should take it for granted they
+understood their business; that I had neither the time nor would I take
+the trouble to overlook their work, but that as soon as I saw anything
+wrong they would hear from me. If they wanted anything I was the person.
+My housekeeping hours were from 9 till 10 a. m., no more. If they could
+not take the trouble to ask for what they wanted at that time, they
+could go without till the next day. I should not tell them what to do or
+when to do it, but if it wasn't done, they would certainly leave. That I
+allowed no company and gave them certain nights to go out, but if
+anything special and _true_ was the matter I was ready to assist, 'and
+now,' said I, 'no quarreling down stairs; each one to their work and no
+complaining.--The moment you are discontented come to me and you can go
+at once if you choose. I do not want any notice ever, except where a
+baby is concerned.' This done I then advertised for a cook. The next day
+my cook, down stair, came up to me quite flushed, and wanted to know if
+I intended to turn her away. I said no, I had no idea of it, but thought
+it was a very good plan to have two in the house; that I intended making
+the new one a waiter, and then if anything happened, such as the sudden
+departure, 'of my cook,' I said, looking right at her, 'for you know
+they are quick tempered, why then I have one on hand.' She colored up
+and retired. After going through a great deal of nonsense about the
+words 'help' and 'servants,' I at length got what I wanted and all went
+on smoothly for a time.
+
+My plan for detecting neglect in the cleaning of a room, was to stick
+half a dozen pins in different places about it--some on the walls, in
+the window and other places that ought to be wiped. If I found them
+there after the cleaning, I became suddenly very disagreeable.
+
+During my sister's administration, I had been obliged to wait sometimes
+three weeks before she could find time, for her servants, to put a
+button on my waistcoat. Now, when I wanted anything done, the first
+person that passed my library door was stopped, no matter what her work
+might be at the time, sent for a clothes brush, needle or hammar, and
+the thing was done at once. It acted like a charm, and all went on well.
+At first they objected, (only silently), but I told them plainly that I
+hired them for my benefit, not theirs, which generally followed; and
+that though their work was specified to a certain degree, they must on
+all occasions answer any calls and pay always for breakage. This last
+saved twenty dollars a month, for hardly anything under those expensive
+circumstances, fell of their hands; and I noticed the plea of 'sudden
+change of weather,' or 'some one must have disturbed it,' or 'that
+horrid cat has been among those dishes and upset them,' or 'twas cracked
+before,' became as worn out as aphorisms of the past. I was always very
+attentive to them when sick. This tells, in the long run, on servants,
+for they are very susceptible to a kind act out of place--indulgence,
+however, is soon forgotten. I always made it a habit, too, to pay each
+servant something more a month than any one else. That, also, acted
+wonderfully like a retainer. But I distinctly told them I wanted my work
+done, because it was paid for. I asked no favors. Two other rules saved
+me much trouble. When a girl said she couldn't do any set job, on
+account of no time, no matter what it was, I always said, 'why, that's
+all nonsense; it only takes five minutes;' and not infrequently have I
+irritated them into doing almost impossibilities. I never valued any
+cheap article under five dollars.
+
+Another great mistake, is to find fault with a servant before any one.
+Have they done wrong, go to your library and ring loudly--that is half
+the battle; then tell the waiter to call the chambermaid, and then
+speak. You will find everything easy. They have had time to reflect; to
+weigh the pros and cons, and have half thought themselves into
+submission. Never argue. If you have the right exert it, but never be
+unjust; and, above all, believe me when I tell you that their feelings
+are exquisite on the subject of neglect. Let them once feel a _respect_
+for you, yet know you are determined to have anything done, and a simple
+remark will lie like lead on their stomach, and you will hear them
+talking of it down stairs and using the bow anchor of firmness, 'he said
+so,' until it is done. Never change your mind.
+
+I remember once, during that memorable interregnum of three months, and,
+in fact, the only time in my life did it happen.--I had invited some
+very pleasant, agreeable and talented friends to spend the evening. I
+ordered my supper in the morning, and it commenced to snow. I continued
+giving orders, and it continued snowing, and we kept at it very close on
+to each other; if anything, the snow was a little ahead, but I went on
+in the same way. At the proposed time the gas was lit, a lantern was
+placed on the piazza; snow swept off; the side gate unhung by the waiter
+man, and a path made. The snow piled high, and the domestics began to
+give in, or out, I don't know which. They doubted the probability of any
+one venturing out that 'dreadful night.' A little later, they began to
+talk among themselves of the improbability of any one coming. I
+immediately ordered the gas turned up in full; the candles lit, and the
+supper table laid--every dish put in its place empty, to be filled at
+the proper time--all for discipline. (I had said it was to be done in
+the morning.) I then went up stairs and dressed. My sister, who had
+gained five pounds every week since her abdication, met me in the
+drawing room, dressed elegantly, and with an encouraging air pressed my
+hand. She did not dare to make a remark, or the contract would have been
+violated; but I thought I could detect in her eye an acknowledgment of
+my success. As I sauntered through the brilliantly lighted rooms, rather
+depressed at the non-arrival of my guests, the waiter said Thomas would
+like to speak to me. I immediately went to the star chamber and took an
+easy position.
+
+A knock this time.
+
+'Come in.'
+
+In walked Thomas with his hat in his hand and bowing respectively, he
+said--'I have just come from the stable Mr. D'Aubrey, and thought you
+would like to know about the storm, sir.'
+
+'What storm?' I exclaimed, 'oh, you mean the snow storm, yes--is it
+still snowing?' At that moment the window was crackling with the hail.
+
+'Yes sir, and I thought I'd tell you that no one could come out
+to-night, for a horse without a wagon could not walk one hundred yards.'
+
+'Thank you, Thomas, give the bay mare more corn to-morrow and call
+Henry.'--Henry, the waiter, came in expecting orders to put away the
+_clean_ things and lock up for it was ten, and not a soul had arrived.
+'Order supper Henry at eleven.'
+
+'For whom, sir?'
+
+'For me--what are you waiting for?'
+
+'How much, sir,' said he, in a bewildered air. 'All of it.'
+
+He looked anxious. He could not classify me, but discipline must be
+carried out, so Mary and I sat down to enough for twenty-five persons,
+who had never known the pangs of dyspepsia. As soon as we had finished I
+ordered a large portion of it down stairs, for the benefit of the
+servants and retired. They all looked pleased and I was satisfied. Mrs.
+Phillips had the nightmare at about two o'clock.
+
+Before I took charge, the allies of my household were accustomed to
+come in at all hours and sit up till they were too sleepy to go to bed,
+looking the next morning like wet blotting paper. But that was soon
+stopped. For the morning of my address to them I stated that the house
+was shut up at ten p. m., and now and then it was amusing to hear the
+door open as the clock struck.
+
+One night at about twelve as I was sitting at my desk in the library, I
+heard someone trying to get in. I knew it was the waiter who had slipped
+out without leave, so I turned out the gas, put my head out of the
+window and said 'I know it must be a robber, for they are all in,' and
+seeing his form I fired off my revolver overhead.--No servant ever tried
+again to enter by stealing in after hours. When my sister kept house I
+suffered much for want of dishes during many days in the week.--There
+was very little variety.
+
+Sundays we had only potatoes and cold meat.
+
+'Why,' I asked.
+
+'They must go to church, my dear brother.'
+
+Mondays, one fry, not even a roast, it was washing day, all the heat
+must be turned off from the oven for the boiler.--The cook wouldn't have
+it roasted in front, the only true way.
+
+So no dessert could be baked.
+
+Tuesdays I could have no company for it was ironing day, and the irons
+filled up the range and nothing extra could be made. I submitted to my
+sister.
+
+But now I had soup every day, and whenever I saw anything very good in
+market I ordered it home and had it cooked. Strange isn't it, with the
+same range and the same cook? Before my reign we could not breakfast
+till nine, the cook said that the milkman came so late. During my reign
+we breakfasted at eight punctually, for I suggested to her the propriety
+of rising at six instead of seven and letting him in on his first trip
+instead of taking the milk from him on his return. My sister was obliged
+to tell her two or three days before hand that she was going to have
+company, that she might have time to get everything ready for dinner. I
+frequently brought home two or three guests with fish and game in the
+same carriage and ordered it as the fourth course while partaking of
+soup. On one occasion I brought in partridges twenty minutes before
+dinner. I went down stairs knowing she would be roused this time, and
+flanked her by saying, 'Hannah, you won't have time to pick those birds,
+so just draw them and _skin_ them. I want them roasted.' Before she
+recovered from her astonishment I had departed.
+
+Whenever a quarrel down stairs took place I never interfered as long as
+they did not talk loud, but the next day if I noticed any one in the
+sulks or a tendency to let things go by, I had the furniture of one room
+changed to another. This required 'all hands' to work together, and I
+made them fly round so, that when it was done they were only too happy
+to go to lunch and rest, and I could hear many a joke and pleasant laugh
+rise from the kitchen table.
+
+One rainy evening, as my sister and myself were sitting in front of the
+wood fire, exactly two months since the famous contract, and very much
+in the same position, and talking over everything but it, a timid knock
+was heard. I said 'come in,' and Sabina entered, looking very healthy
+and neat--I cannot say pretty, though she had a good figure.
+
+I never asked questions on these occasions. I always made it difficult
+for them to talk in this, to them, gloomy room.--They had to stumble
+through themselves.
+
+'Can I speak to you, sir.'
+
+'Certainly, Sabina--go on.'
+
+'I have come to say, sir, that--that--I have came to say, sir, that'--a
+pause; she looked very guilty.
+
+'That's right, Sabina; you have come to say that--I understand--but what
+have you come to say?'
+
+'I have come to say, sir, that--I have come to go, sir!'
+
+I controlled myself. She was an excellent chambermaid; understood my
+ways thoroughly; and did her work well; had always been respectful to
+_me_, and was very steady. It would be a great loss, but DISCIPLINE must
+be preserved, and my mind was at once made up. My sister looked
+surprised and sorry right out.
+
+'Well, Sabina, when do you wish to go.'
+
+'On Saturday, sir.'
+
+Oh how my sister wanted to speak, but I looked at the tin box that held
+the contract and she bit her lip.
+
+'Very well, Sabina, you have a perfect right to go when and where you
+please, and I will take great pleasure in writing out an excellent
+character for you. Let me see, (looking at my account book) that is two
+weeks wages making $8. I never make presents, but as you are going here
+is a ten dollar bill. Where would you like your trunk carried, tell me
+and I will send it by Thomas Saturday morning?'
+
+'Oh! it isn't that, sir,' said she, 'but--but, sir,' with the tears
+flowing rapidly.
+
+'Why, what is the matter, Sabina?' (the first question apart from
+business I had ever asked.)
+
+'I don't want to leave you, sir.'
+
+'Well, that is strange, then why do you?' (business question.)
+
+'I'm going, sir--I'm going, sir, to--be--married!' and she burst into
+tears.
+
+(I congratulated myself on being a bachelor, if conjugal affection
+produced such an effect.)
+
+'Oh! that's it,' said I, dryly. 'Well I hope you will be happy.'
+
+'But you've been so kind, sir, you--'
+
+'There now stop, I have only tried to be just,' said I, looking
+exultingly at my smiling sister, who took off a little gold stud and
+gave it to her with many wishes of a happy life.
+
+Everything went on regularly as clock-work. There was a place for
+everything, and everything in its place. When the bell rang during dear
+Mary's sway, it continued to ring, and on one occasion, a friend met me
+in the street and said:
+
+'Why William, have you moved?'
+
+I replied no, that we were very comfortable where we were, 'why do you
+ask?'
+
+'That's very strange,' said he, 'we called yesterday at one o'clock and
+rang for twenty minutes. No one coming we concluded you had left for
+Europe.'
+
+'No,' I said, feeling rather confused, 'the waiter I believe is subject
+to sciatica. At times he is taken suddenly and cannot move, and the
+reason we did not hear the bell, (I looked away as I said so,) his cries
+of pain are such that you cannot hear yourself speak.'
+
+Now the door is answered before the first ring stops sounding. For I
+arranged it so as to vibrate long enough to give a person time to go
+from any part of the house in exactly two minutes; and no man of the
+world rings oftener than once every three minutes. I would not have
+written all this but my blessed sister soon entirely followed out my
+reformation and is fairly convinced, as she says, that when a man sets
+about any matter, he is very thorough: clear headed; and, above all, not
+easily put down.
+
+Oh! if all women thought so! eh, Mr. Caudle? I knew one learned
+gentleman who only desired peace and good food. His wife never allowed
+him to offer a suggestion. She called him a genius, and made him mind.
+
+Formerly Mary rose thoughtful, with the pressure of business on her
+brain. At meals she was abstracted, often worried, and at all times the
+repository of domestic troubles. Her healthy organization was altogether
+too mesmerized by the petty warfare below stairs. She was never idle,
+and yet rarely accomplished anything for _herself_. Her position in the
+household might have been called that of GRAND FINISHER. She planned
+work and waited for its completion in vain. Finally she would bring it
+into the library and stitch--stitch--all through the pleasant evenings.
+I knew this, for I laid a plan. One April I asked her to work me a pair
+of slippers on cloth. I presume a clever woman, undisturbed, could have
+delivered them over to me at the end of the week. Now, no one is more
+clever than my sister; yet I did not get those slippers till December;
+and then she handed them to me in sadness, and said, with an attempt at
+cheerfulness, 'dear William, I worked one myself, but my duties are such
+that I gave out the other to that poor woman whose husband is at sea.
+Has'nt she done it well?' Now, I find her reading, paying visits, and
+often of an evening she comes to me and says, 'William, would'nt you
+like some new handkerchiefs embroidered?' or 'can't I mend anything for
+you? I have just finished my music and have nothing to do.'
+
+On another occasion, while she was mending--not making reader--but
+_mending_, her children's clothes, I offered to read one of Ik Marvel's
+reveries of a bachelor, a special favorite of mine. She thanked me, and I
+proceeded. On finishing one of his admirable paragraphs, I put the book
+down and exclaimed, 'isn't that capital?'
+
+She said at once, 'no, I think it is very discouraging.'
+
+'Discouraging! Why, what in the world do you mean, Mary?'
+
+'Excuse me, William, but I was'nt listening. The fact of it is, there
+has been another row down stairs, and I do think that girl ought to be
+ashamed of herself to treat Susan so;' and then for _one_ hour a
+topographical and analytical history of the entire household was gone
+into, with a _con amore_ spirit, which lasted through two segars and a
+glass of water. I never spoke. On these occasions they don't want you
+to talk; only to listen. They say in a sweet and confiding manner, 'you
+know I have no one to sympathize with me;' and off they go, like the
+recitation of Pope's Homer, made by some school girl who has been
+sentenced to run through so many lines. I slipped the reveries into
+their place, so that she would not be hurt, and I do assure you that
+when she had got through I believe if you had asked her suddenly 'who
+discovered America?' she would have replied 'An Irishman--I forget his
+name.'
+
+Formerly there was ever a business gravity about her: now she always
+appeared with a sweet smile that lit up her countenance, as though it
+had been sprinkled all over with sun-powder.
+
+Difficult indeed was it for Mary to order anything without an advance
+notice, for otherwise she was forced to start her little bark through
+the Scylla and Charybdis of 'fire island,' namely, 'The fire's too low,
+marm;' or 'I've just put on coal, marm.'
+
+Now she reads to me herself, and marks the prettiest passages in
+Tennyson, which no woman could find out if her understanding had been
+mortgaged by servants.
+
+Before, no matter what dish of meat was set before me, it was always
+_dry_, or the gravy made of butter and _water_. I have often seen mutton
+chops come on table looking like little islands of meat surrounded by
+water, on which might be detected a tickley benders of grease. Five
+minutes conversation on my part supplied the deficiency, and caused one
+can of lard to outlast six of those in olden times.
+
+When I first took charge of the kitchen, the cook made one struggle--but
+only one. The reply to her question indicated such ignorance or
+indifference on my part, that everything suggested in future was served
+as directed, and well done. Having ordered many dishes one day--I don't
+know whether it was washing or ironing day, I never used to ask: I also
+gave the ingredients of a very nice pudding, and said 'can you make
+that?'
+
+'I know how, sir, but can't to-day.'
+
+'Why not?'
+
+'There is no room in the oven, you have filled it with your orders, and
+it is impossible to bake it this afternoon.'
+
+'You cannot bake it, then?'
+
+'No, sir.'
+
+'Then _broil_ it!'
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Christmas Story, by Samuel W. Francis
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A CHRISTMAS STORY ***
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