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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/18398-h.zip b/18398-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9d59a72 --- /dev/null +++ b/18398-h.zip diff --git a/18398-h/18398-h.htm b/18398-h/18398-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2ee9103 --- /dev/null +++ b/18398-h/18398-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1289 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Diary Written in the Provincial Lunatic Asylum, by Mary Huestis Pengilly. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: bold;} + .u {text-decoration: underline;} + + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Diary Written in the Provincial Lunatic +Asylum, by Mary Huestis Pengilly + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Diary Written in the Provincial Lunatic Asylum + +Author: Mary Huestis Pengilly + +Release Date: May 16, 2006 [EBook #18398] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY FROM LUNATIC ASYLUM *** + + + + +Produced by Stacy Brown, K.D. Thornton, Canadiana.org and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + +<h1>DIARY<br /> +WRITTEN IN THE<br /> +Provincial Lunatic Asylum,<br /> +</h1> + +<h3>BY</h3> + +<h2>MARY HUESTIS PENGILLY.</h2> + +<div class="center"> +<i>The prison doors are open—I am free;<br /> +Be this my messenger o'er land and sea.</i><br /> +</div> + +<h4>PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR.<br /> +1885.</h4> + + + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> + + +<div class="blockquot" style="margin-top: 4em;"><p>This little book is humbly dedicated to the Province of New +Brunswick, and the State of Massachusetts, by one who has had so +sad an experience in this, the sixty-second year of her age, that +she feels it to be her imperative duty to lay it before the public +in such a manner as shall reach the hearts of the people in this +her native Province, as also the people of Massachusetts, with whom +she had a refuge since driven from her own home by the St. John +fire of 1877. She sincerely hopes it may be read in every State of +the Union, as well as throughout the Dominion of Canada, that it +may help to show the inner workings of their Hospitals and Asylums, +and prompt them to search out better methods of conducting them, as +well for the benefit of the superintendent as the patient.</p></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> +<p><span class="smcap">December.</span>—They will not allow me to go home, and I must write +these things down for fear I forget. It will help to pass the time away. +It is very hard to endure this prison life, and know that my sons think +me insane when I am not.</p> + +<p>How unkind Mrs. Mills is today; does she think this sort of treatment is +for the good of our health? I begged for milk today, and she can't spare +me any; she has not enough for all the old women, she says. I don't wish +to deprive any one of that which they require, but have I not a right to +all I require to feed me and make me well? All I do need is good +nourishing food, and I know better than any one else can what I require +to build me up and make me as I was before I met with this strange +change of condition. I remember telling the Doctor, on his first visit +to my room, that I only needed biscuit and milk and beef tea to make me +well. He rose to his feet and said, "I know better than any other man." +That was all I heard him say, and he walked out, leaving me without a +word of sympathy, or a promise that I should have anything. I say to +myself (as I always talk aloud to myself when not well), "You don't know +any more than this old woman does." I take tea with Mrs. Mills; I don't +like to look at those patients who look so wretched.</p> + +<p>I can't bear to see myself in the glass, I am so wasted—so miserable. +My poor boys, no wonder you look so sad, to see your mother looking so +badly, and be compelled to leave her here alone among strangers who know +nothing about her past life. They don't seem to have any respect for me. +If I were the most miserable woman in the city of St. John, I would be +entitled to better treatment at the hands of those who are paid by the +Province to make us as comfortable as they can, by keeping us warmed and +fed, as poor feeble invalids should be kept.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">December 20.</span>—I have made myself quite happy this week, +thinking of what Christmas may bring to many childish hearts, and how I +once tried to make my own dear boys happy at Christmas time. I helped +poor Maggy to make artificial flowers for a wreath she herself had made +of cedar. She was making it for some friend in the Asylum. She never +goes out; she wishes to go sometimes, but Mrs. Mills scolds her a +little, then she works on and says no more about it. Poor Maggy! there +is nothing ailing her but a little too much temper. She does all the +dining-room work—washes dishes and many other things.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">January</span>.—They have had a festival; it was made, I suppose, to +benefit some one here; I don't know whom. It certainly did not benefit +me any; no one invited me to go to the church where the festival was +held, but Dr. Crookshank, the Assistant Physician, looked at me very +kindly and said, "Do come, Mrs. Pengilly, you may as well come." I +looked at my dress (it is grey flannel, and I have had no other to +change since I came here), "I can't go looking like this; I must be a +little better dressed to go into a public meeting of any kind; I am not +accustomed to go looking like this, with nothing on my neck." He said, +"Very well, something shall come to you;" and Mrs. Hays, who is +Assistant Nurse in our Ward, brought me a plate of food and fruit, such +as is generally had at festivals.</p> + +<p>I have not had my trunk yet; sure the boys did not leave me here without +my trunk. Perhaps they do not wish me to go in sight of people from the +city, for fear they will recognize me, and I should make my complaints +known to them. I have entreated them to give me my trunk so many times +in vain that I have given it up. I did ask Mrs. Mills, and she says, +"Ask Mrs. Murphy, she has charge of the trunk room." I asked her; she +says she will see, and she will bring me whatever I need that is in it. +She puts me off with a soft answer, until I begin to think there is +nothing done for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> any one here, only what they cannot avoid. It is a +self-running establishment, I guess, for no one seems to know how or +when to do anything I wish to have done, whatever they may do for +others.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span>.—The weather is cold. I have more to occupy my time +now. I have learned how to let off the cold air from the radiators, and +then we get more heat. I do it when no one sees me. I shall do all I can +to make myself comfortable, and they all share it. When I arise in the +morning, my first thought is to look up the hall to see if there is fire +in the grate—the one little grate in that large hall, to give warmth +and comfort to us poor prisoners. If the fire is there, I feel pleased; +I go up as soon as the sweeping is done, and try to feel at home. I tell +the nurse I will tend the fire, if she will have the coal left beside +the grate. Sometimes they allow it willingly, and I enjoy it. I brush up +the hearth, and make it look cheerful and homelike as possible. I draw +up the huge, uncomfortable seats to form a circle; they stand round +until I get there; they are happy to sit with me, but they don't know +enough to draw up a seat for themselves. I have found pleasure in this; +it cheers my heart. There is no situation in life, however unpleasant it +may be, but has some bright places in it. I love to cheat Mrs. Mills; I +watch my chance when she is not near, and let off the cold air in the +radiator until the warm air comes, and then close it. I add coal to the +fire, saying to myself, "This castle belongs to the Province, and so do +I. We have a right to all the comforts of life here, and especially so +when five dollars a week is paid for our board; let us have a nice fire +and bask in its comforting rays." I love the heat; if the seats at the +grate get filled up, I come back to the radiator. Perhaps it is warm +enough to afford to have the window open a few moments, to let the +impure air escape—just a little of it; then I sit close by it, calling +it my kitchen fire-place. I am regulating the comfort of this ward in a +measure, but they don't know it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">February</span>.—My dear Lewis has been to see me today. We chat +together as usual; how can he think me crazy? Dr. Steeves tells him I +am, I suppose, and so he thinks it must be so. He is so happy to see me +looking better; he is more loving than ever; he holds my hand in his and +tells me he will take me out for a drive when the weather is fine. And I +said, "Oh Lewis, my dear boy, I am well enough to go home with you to +your hotel now." I so long for some of Mrs. Burns' good dinners; her +meals are all nice, and here we have such horrid stuff. Dark-colored, +sour bakers' bread, with miserable butter, constitutes our breakfast and +tea; there is oatmeal porridge and cheap molasses at breakfast, but I +could not eat that, it would be salts and senna for me. At noon we have +plenty of meat and vegetables, indifferently cooked, but we don't +require food suitable for men working out of doors. We need something to +tempt the appetite a little.</p> + +<p>No matter what I say, how earnestly I plead, he believes Dr. Steeves in +preference to me. If I should die here, he will still believe Dr. +Steeves, who looks so well they cannot think he would do so great a +wrong. When I first began to realize that I must stay here all winter, I +begged the Doctor to take me to his table, or change his baker; "I +cannot live on such fare as you give us here." His reply was, "I don't +keep a boarding house." Who does keep this boarding house? Is there any +justice on earth or under heaven? Will this thing always be allowed to +go on? Sometimes I almost sink in despair. One consolation is left +me—some day death will unlock those prison doors, and my freed spirit +will go forth rejoicing in its liberty.</p> + +<p>There is a dear girl here whose presence has helped to pass the time +more pleasantly, and yet I am more anxious on her account. How can her +mother leave her so long in such care as this? Ah, they cannot know how +she is faring; she often says, "I used to have nice cake at home, and +could make it, too." She has been teaching school, has over-worked, had +a fever, lost her<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> reason, and came here last June. She is well enough +to go home. I fear if they leave her here much longer she will never +recover her spirits. She is afraid of Mrs. Mills, and dare not ask for +any favor. Mrs. Mills is vexed if she finds her in my room, and does not +like to see us talking. I suppose she fears we will compare notes to her +disadvantage, or detrimental to the rules of the house. I think it is +against the rules of this house that we should be indulged in any of the +comforts of life.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">March</span>.—At last I have my trunk: why it should have been +detained so long I cannot conceive. I feel rich in the possession of the +little needful articles it contains.</p> + +<p>I enquired of Dr. Steeves, some time ago, if he had not in the Asylum a +supply of necessary articles for our use, telling him I wanted a paper +of pins very much. He said they were for the indigent patients, so I got +none. My son, Tom, gave me some small silver some weeks ago, but I was +no better off. No one would do me an errand outside. I begged Mrs. Mills +at different times to buy me some pins, and to buy me an extra quart of +milk. I was so hungry for milk, but she said it was against the rules of +the house. She gives me now a glass nearly full at bed time, with one +soda biscuit. This is the only luxury we have here; some others get the +same. It is because I have tried to make her think we are her children, +left in her care. I said to her, "'Feed my lambs,' you are our +Shepherd;" and she is if she only knew it. I have quoted the words of +Him whose example we should all follow: "Do good unto others." I am +watching over those poor lambs now, to see how they are tended, and I +will tell the Commissioners in whose care the Asylum is left by the +Province. The people of New Brunswick suppose they attend to it. The +Commissioners have placed it in the care of Dr. Steeves, and they +believe him quite capable of conducting it properly. Is this the way it +should be done? I don't think so.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p> + +<p>I observed Miss Fowler today holding her hand to her eye, which is +looking inflamed; she is blind; a well-educated, delicate, gentle-woman. +I take more than usual interest in her for that reason. I often sit +beside her and she tells me of her mother, and wants me to go home with +her to number one. She does not seem a lunatic, and she is neglected. I +tied her eye up with my own handkerchief, and a wet rag on it. I did not +mean to offend, I had done so before and it was not observed. Mrs. Mills +came along just as I had done it; she jerked it off in anger, and threw +it on the floor. I said to her, "That is not a Christian act," but she +pays no heed; perhaps her morning work makes her feel cross.</p> + +<p>I come back to my own room and write again; what shall I do? I +cannot—how can I stay here any longer! and I cannot get away, locked in +as prisoners in our rooms at night, fed like paupers. If I were +committed to the penitentiary for a crime, I would not be used any worse +than I am here. My heart longs for sympathy, and has it not. I have +tried to soften Mrs. Mills' heart, and win her sympathy, but I cannot, +and I cannot withhold my pity for those poor invalids who fare even +worse than I.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">March 13.</span>—I must write this while fresh in my mind, for fear I +may forget. There is a Miss Short here—a fair-haired, nice-looking +girl; she stands up and reads in the Testament as if she were in +Sunday-school, recites poetry, and tries to play on the piano. I did not +think her much out of order when she came, but she is now. She has grown +steadily worse. Her father came to see her, and she cried to go home +with him. I wished very much to tell him to take her home, but Mrs. +Mills did not leave them, and I dared not speak to him. She has grown so +much worse, she tears her dress off, so they have to put leather +hand-cuffs on her wrists so tight they make her hands swell. I say, "Oh, +Mrs. Mills, don't you see they are too tight, her hands look ready to +burst—purple with blood." She paid no heed:<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> "It does not hurt her +any." Yesterday she tied a canvas belt round her waist so tight that it +made my heart ache to look at it. I am sure it would have stopped my +breath in a short time; they tied her to the back of the seat with the +ends of it.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">March 17.</span>—Another poor victim has come to our ward today—a +black-eyed, delicate-looking girl. She looked <i>so sad</i>, I was drawn to +her at once. I sat beside her in Mrs. Mills' absence, and enquired the +cause of her trouble; she said her food gave her pain—she is dyspeptic. +If the Doctor would question the patients and their friends as to the +cause of their insanity, they might, as in other cases of illness, know +what remedy to apply. This dear child has been living at Dr. Wm. +Bayards' three years—chambermaid—that is enough to assure me she is a +good girl. I think she wears her dress too tight. I unloosened her laces +and underskirts to make them easy; they are all neat and tidy, as if she +had come from a good home.</p> + +<p>Another day is here. That poor girl is in great trouble yet. When I went +out into the hall this morning, she was kneeling by the door; she laid +her cheek on the bare floor, praying for her sins to be forgiven, +murmuring something of those who had gone before. I cannot think she has +sinned; poor child! she has lost her health in some way; she has +transgressed some law of nature. I think it has been tight lacing that +caused some of the trouble, for she sat up on the floor when I invited +her to stand up for fear some one would open the door and walk over her, +and rubbed the calf of her leg, saying it was all numb. Anything too +tight causes pain and distress by interrupting the free circulation of +the blood. She is so pitiful and sad! How could Mrs. Mills speak so +unkindly to her, pushing her with her foot to make her rise up? She +treats them like wicked school-boys who have done something to torment +her and merit punishment. I cannot but pity Mrs. Mills, for this is an +uncomfortable position to fill,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> and if she has always obeyed her +Superintendent, she has done her duty, and deserves a retired allowance. +The younger nurses are all learning from her, and will grow +hard-hearted, for they think she is one to teach them; they come to her +for help in case of emergency, and they go all together, and are able to +conquer by main strength what might in most cases be done by a gentle +word. "A soft answer turneth away wrath;" I have known this all my life, +but I never felt it so forcibly as now.</p> + +<p>There is a lady here from Westmoreland; her hair is cut short, and her +eyes are black and wild. The first time I spoke to her she struck me, +lightly, and I walked away; I knew she was crazy. After I had met her a +few times and found she was not dangerous, I ventured to sit down beside +her. She was lying on her couch in a room off the dining-room; she lay +on her back knitting, talking in a rambling way: "Do you know what kind +of a place this is? Aren't you afraid I'll kill you? I wish I was like +you." I smoothed her hair with my hand as I would a child. I thought, +perhaps, she had done some great wrong. She said she had killed her +mother. Often before, I had stood beside her, for I looked at her a +number of times before I ventured to sit by her. I had no recollection +of seeing her when I first came, till I found her in this room. I +suppose she was so violent they shut her in here to keep her from +striking or injuring any one. I could not discover the cause of her +trouble, but I comforted her all I could, and she has always been +friendly with me since, and listened to my words as if I were her +mother. She has been here a long time. Last Friday—bathing day—two +young, strong nurses were trying to take her from her room to the +bath-room (I suppose she was unwilling to be washed, for I have noticed +when I saw her in that room on the couch, she was not clean as she +should be—her clothes did not have a good air about them). The nurses +were using force, and she struggled against it. They used the means they +often use; I suppose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> that is their surest method of conquering the +obstinate spirit that will rise up to defend itself in any child or +woman. She was made more violent by her hair being pulled; one nurse had +her hands, and the other caught her by her hair, which is just long +enough to hold by. They made her walk. I was walking near them when I +saw one seize her by the hair; she tried to bite her on the arm. I +started forward, and laid my hand on her arm, with—"Don't, my poor +child, don't do so; be gentle with her, girls, and she will go." She +looked at me, and her face softened; that angry spirit melted within +her, and they went on to the bath-room. Shortly after that I met her +looking fresh and nice; she was in Mrs. Mills' room, in her +rocking-chair. Sometimes I look in there to see if that chair is empty, +to have a rock in it myself. I think it better for her health to knit in +the rocking-chair than to lay down and knit or read either, so I leave +her there. Perhaps she has read too much and injured her brain; if so, I +would not let her read so much.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">March 20.</span>—Poor Mrs. Mills has served thirty-two years here, +and has become hardened as one will to any situation or surroundings. +She is too old a woman, and her temper has been too much tried. She is +tidy, and works well for so old a woman, but she is not fit for a nurse. +If she were a British soldier, and had served her country so long, she +would be entitled to a pension.</p> + +<p>Poor Miss Short! Last week I saw her lying on the floor nearly under the +bed, her dress torn, her hair disheveled. How can her friends leave her +so long! Some ladies came to see her a short time ago, and as they left +the hall I heard her call them to take her with them. If they knew all +as I do, they would not leave her here another day.</p> + +<p>There is a Miss Snow here from St. Stephens. I remember distinctly when +I first came, she raved all the time. I did not dare to look in her +bed-room.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> + +<p>I must write something of myself today. I can look back and see plainly +all my journey here. The day may come when I shall be laid away in the +grave, and my boys—the dear boys I have loved so well—will look over +my trunk and find this manuscript; they will then perhaps believe I am +not crazy. I know Dr. Steeves tells them I am a lunatic yet. They will +weep over this, as they think of the mother they have left here to die +among strangers. It would be happiness to die surrounded by my friends, +to be able to tell them they have only to live well that they may die +well. To be true to ourselves and to our fellows, is all the good we +need. That I have always striven to do, does now my spirit feed.</p> + +<p>I have been so near the grave, the border land of heaven. I heard +angels' voices; they talked with me even as they did with John on the +Isle of Patmos, when they said to him, "Worship God who sent me."</p> + +<p>I was very much alone, engaged in writing a book on the laws of health. +My desire to write increased; I became so absorbed with my work I forgot +to eat, and, after a day or two, I seemed to think I had done some +wrong. The angel voices whispered me that I must fast and pray; I know I +had plenty of food in my closet, but I don't remember eating any more. I +fasted eight days, and felt comfortable and happy most of the time. I +sang to myself, "O death, where is thy sting, where is thy victory, +boasting grave." I wept for my own sins, and wished to die, the world to +save. I was trying to perform some ancient right or vow, one day, and my +sons came in. I ordered them away, but they would not go. They said they +would bring me home, for Lewis, who was living with me near Boston, sent +for my son, T. M. Pengilly, who is proprietor of a drug store in St. +John. I suppose he discovered I was fasting, and saw me failing so fast +he telegraphed to Tom to come to his assistance. I remember I kissed him +when he came, asked him what he came for, and bade him leave me. I know +now how unreasonable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> that was, for we had no other room but Lewis' +bed-room, and in it there was no fire. We had rented rooms, as Lewis +took his meals at a boarding-house near. Poor boys, they went in and +out; it seemed to me they did not eat or sleep for some days; I thought +they were as crazy as I was in the cars.</p> + +<p>They brought Dr. Hunter to see me. I had been acquainted with him some +time previous. I told him I was sorry they had brought him to see me, +for I needed no physicians, I only needed to fast and pray. "I know you +are a good man, Dr. Hunter, but you need not come to see me again; I +will be all right in time; God and His angels will keep me always." +These were my words to him; I know not what prompted me; I suppose it +was my insanity. I think I told them to nail up the doors and leave me +there till summer. That was the last week of October. My poor boys, how +tried and worried they must have been. They watched me night and day +alternately. I told them I had not talked with them enough of my own +religion. I begged Tom to read the Bible and kneel and pray, but he +would not; I think he fell asleep in my rocking-chair (how often I have +wished for that rocking-chair since I came here).</p> + +<p>On Sunday morning I heard them say, "We will go home in the first +train." Lewis went out to see about it, and I told Tom I wished to take +the sacrament, and he should give it to me, for he would yet be bishop +of St. John—"St. Thomas" he should be called. I can but laugh when I +think of it now, but it was very real to me then. I had been a member—a +communicant—of St. James' Church, Episcopal, some years; I had taken my +boys to Sunday School, to receive that religious instruction which I was +not qualified to give. They had accompanied me to church, always, but I +felt as if I had not spoken to them on religious subjects as I ought to +have done.</p> + +<p>It is fourteen years, I think, since I was christened in St. James' +Church, by Rev. William Armstrong, whose voice I always loved to hear in +the beautiful service of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> our church. I was confirmed by Bishop John +Fredricton, in Trinity Church. I well remember the pressure of that +reverend hand upon my head, and the impressive words of his address to +us who were that day received into the church—"Let your inner life be +as good or better than your outer life, if you would be worthily known +as His children." He desired the young men in particular to take up some +useful study, to occupy their leisure hours—something outside of their +every-day business of life. What better words could have been said; I +would that the young men of the present day should often hear those +words and accept them as a rule of their life. I float away from +thoughts of my insanity to the days when I was at home going to church +with my children. I must return to my subject.</p> + +<p>They brought the table to my bedside; I kept my eyes closed; I received +the bread from the hand of one son, and the wine from the hand of the +other. I tasted it, and my fast was broken. I discovered, to my great +surprise, it was only toast and tea. They had improved upon my wish, and +thought to feed me, their poor wasted mother. They dressed me for the +journey; I would not assist them any; they had not obeyed my wish to be +left alone in my room all winter; so, when I yielded to them, I left all +for them to do; the only thing I did myself was to take from the closet +this grey flannel dress—I had made it for traveling, before I left +Lowell for Old Orchard. They did not seem to know what they were doing. +I had two bonnets, but they never mentioned them, as I remember. They +left my night-cap on, and tied a silk handkerchief over it. They carried +me down stairs in their arms, and lifted me in the coach. After we were +on our way in the cars, I found my hair was hanging down my back; I had +nothing to fasten it up with, and I arranged the handkerchief to cover +it. I began to feel happy with the thought of going home. I tried to +cheer them, and they could not help smiling at me. I wondered they were +not ashamed of me, I looked so badly. I told them not to call me<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> +mother, to say I was old Mrs. Sinnett; that they were bringing me home +to my friends.</p> + +<p>Poor boys, I wonder if they remember that journey in the cars as I do. +At my request, Tom brought me a goblet of milk, at two stopping places, +and when I found they had brought me to an Asylum I felt no fear; I +thought I had only to ask and receive what I needed. I knew they thought +me crazy, so I would not bid them good-bye, when they left me, but +concluded to play lunatic. I refused to kiss Lewis when he left me, that +dear boy who had watched over me so faithfully, carrying me in his arms +from one car to the other. When we changed cars, he placed me in a +Pullman car, and I thought I was safely hidden from something, I knew +not what. I only know I was so happy while I was with my sons; nothing +troubled me. I sang and chatted to Lewis; he would not leave me a +moment; he kneeled beside my berth, and I called him my best of sons, +and smoothed his hair with my hand. All my journey through I heard the +voice of angels whispering to me, "Hold on by the hand of your sons; +keep them with you and you will be safe; they are your sons, they are +the sons of God,"—and they are. All who do their duty as they were +doing, to the best of their ability, are the children of God; for, if we +do the best we can, angels can do no more.</p> + +<p>I thought I was perfectly safe here, and if the Doctor had given me the +food which should be given to an invalid, or if he had granted any +requests I made to him in a reasonable manner, I should not have been +prompted to write these lines or recall those memories of the past.</p> + +<p>One thought brings another. When, on the morning after my arrival, I +begged for milk and biscuit, they refused, and then brought a bowl of +common looking soup with black looking bakers' bread. I refused to eat +it; if it had been beef tea with soda biscuit in it, I would have taken +it myself. They did not live to coax crazy people. Mrs. Mills called in +her help, and it did not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> need many, I was so weak; they held me back, +and she stuffed the soup down my throat.</p> + +<p>When I came here first, I told the nurse my name was Mary Huestis; that +was my maiden name; I hardly know why I prefer that to my sons' name, +for they are sons no mother need be ashamed of. My prayers for them have +always been, that they might be a benefit to their fellows; that they +grow to be good men; to be able to fill their places in the world as +useful members of society, not living entirely for themselves, but for +the good of others, an honor to themselves and a blessing to the world. +If we live well, we will not be afraid to die. "Perfect love casteth out +fear." I must write no more today.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">March 24.</span>—Two years ago today I was watching by the bedside of +my dying child. Driven from our home by the fire, I was tarrying for her +to complete her education in the city of Lowell, which is second to no +city in the world for its educational privileges. Free schools, with +books free to all its children, and excellent teachers. To Lowell +schools and to my darling child, I must here pay this tribute. The day +after her death, the principal of the school she attended addressed the +school with these words—"Clara Pengilly has attended this school two +years, and I have never heard a fault found with her; there has never +been a complaint brought to me by teacher or schoolmates concerning +her." Her teacher brought me two large bouquets to ornament the room at +her funeral, sent by the pupils and teachers of the school where she had +been a happy attendant, for she loved her teachers, and always told me +how good and kind they were to her; no wonder every one loved her, for +she had a loving heart and a nature so full of sunshine she could not be +unhappy. We had boarded eight months with a lady whose only daughter was +blind from her birth. Clara loved to lead her out for a walk, and read +to her at home; no pleasure was complete unless shared with her blind +friend, who was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> younger than herself, and whose life she could brighten +by her willingness to devote her unoccupied time to her service. Dear +Lorelle, we all loved her for her goodness, and pitied her for her +infirmity. The boarders and others at her home sent flowers too. Her +mother arranged a green vine and flowers around her face and in her +hand. When she had finished, she said, "That is the last we can do for +you, Clara; I know she was so fond of flowers, she would be pleased if +she could see them." I cared not for the flowers, I only knew that +loving heart was stilled in death, and I was left alone; with an effort, +I said, "Lorelle will never know a truer friend than she who lies here." +My tears unbidden flow; why do I go back in memory to those sorrowful +days? I know she is happy now. Let me draw the veil of charity over the +past with all its troubles, remembering only the many acts of kindness +done for us by our friends at that time.</p> + +<p>It is this waiting so long a prisoner, begging to be liberated. My hands +will not remain folded or my brain idle. I must write again of poor Miss +Snow. I ventured into her room, feeling anxious to help her by coaxing +her into a better frame of mind. She is wasted to a shadow; I am sure if +she had any food to tempt her to eat she would grow stronger; some nice +bread and milk at bed time would help her to sleep. I soothed her as I +would a child in trouble, until she ceased her raving, and then +questioned her to discover the cause of her disease. She is a +well-educated, intelligent lady. In her ravings she often says she is +the only lady in the hall, and seems to have a temper of her own, which +has been made more than violent by her stay in this ward. She is very +fond of drawing small pencil sketches, and works at them late at night, +which I think is certainly injurious. I conclude she is the victim of +late hours and fancy work; she acknowledges she used to sew until after +twelve, working for bazaars. If the ladies would only come here and +study the needs of these poor victims of insanity, and make better +arrangements<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> for their welfare, they would find a higher calling than +exhausting their energies working for bazaars, and leaving us to the +care of those who care nothing for us and will not learn. Too much +temper and too much indolence rule here. I go in sometimes and coax her +to stop talking and lie down. I cover her up to keep her warm; she is +blue with the cold. If I could keep her in a nice warm room, with kind +treatment and nourishing food! She could not eat that horrible, sour +bakers' bread with poor butter. Sometimes her food would set in her room +a long time. I guess she only eats when she is so starved she can't help +it. I eat because I am determined to live until I find some one who will +help me out of this castle on the hill, that I may tell the +Commissioners all about it. Sometimes I term it a college, in which I am +finishing my education, and I shall graduate some day—when will it be? +My impatient spirit chafes at this long delay. I sit at the grated +window and think, if I were one of those little pigeons on the window +sill I would be happy; content to be anything if only at liberty.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">April</span>.—The friends of Miss Short have been here and taken her +home, and word returned that she is better. I am thankful to think she +is with her mother, and I do not see her so improperly treated; it made +me feel wretched to think of her.</p> + +<p>Poor Katy Dugan's friends came one day. I watched my chance and told one +of them to let her mother know she was getting worse and was not well +treated. I had many heart-aches for that girl; I scarcely know why. They +must have seen she looked worse; her dress of flannel, trimmed with +satin of the same color, which looked so nice when she came, was filthy +with spots of gruel and milk they had been forcing her to eat. This day, +I remember, was worse than common days of trouble. I had been excited by +seeing one of the most inoffensive inmates pushed and spoken to very +roughly, without having done any wrong. They attempted to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> comb that +poor girl's hair; she will not submit, begs and cries to go down there. +I go to the bath-room door to beg them to be gentle with her. Mrs. Mills +slammed the door in my face. She is vexed at any expression of sympathy. +Again I hear that pitiful cry, and I go up the hall to see what the +trouble is. They had taken her in a room to hold her on the floor, by +those heavy, strong nurses sitting on her arms and feet, while they +force her to eat. I return, for I can't endure the sight. I met Mrs. +Mills, with a large spoon, going to stuff her as she did me. (I was not +dyspeptic; I had fasted and would have eaten if they had given me milk, +as I requested.) She was angry at me again; she ordered me to my room, +and threatened to lock me in. What have I done to merit such treatment? +How can I endure this any longer!</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">April 3.</span>—Yesterday was election day of the Aldermen of the +city of St. John. Dr. Steeves came in this morning and congratulated me +very pleasantly that my son was elected Alderman. I thanked him and said +I was not at all surprised, for he was very popular in his ward; always +kind and courteous to every one, he had made many friends. He must know +I am perfectly sane, but I can't persuade him to tell my son I am well +enough to go home.</p> + +<p>My dear Lewis has gone eight hundred miles beyond Winnipeg surveying. I +am sorry to have him go so far. Will I ever see him again? But I feel so +badly when he comes to see me, and refuses to take me home with him; and +I say to myself, "I would die here alone rather than that he, my darling +boy, should be shut in here and treated as I am;" for his temper, if so +opposed, would make him a maniac. I have dreamed of seeing him looking +wretched and crying for fresh air, for he was suffocating. All the time +I had those troubled dreams, I was smothering with gas coming in my room +through the small grating intended to admit heat to make us comfortable, +but it did not. I was obliged<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> to open the window to be able to breathe; +my lungs required oxygen to breathe when I was lying in bed, not gas +from hard coal.</p> + +<p>There is one lady whose room is carpeted and furnished well, but she is +so cold she sits flat on the carpet beside the little grate, trying to +be warm. She has not enough clothing on to keep her warm. Her friends +call often, but they never stay long enough to know that her room is +cold. They cannot know how uncomfortable she is, or what miserable food +she has, for we all fare alike.</p> + +<p>April is nearly gone. Tom has promised to come for me on Monday; I feel +so happy to think I am going to be free once more. I sat on my favorite +seat in the window sill, looking at those poor men working on the +grounds. There were three; they did not look like lunatics, no overseer +near them; they were shoveling or spading, and three ducks followed +them. Fed by the All-Father's hand, they gather food for themselves; the +men never disturb them; they cannot be violent. Many a farmer would be +willing to give one of those men a permanent home for his services. The +knowledge that this home is here for them to return to, would ensure +them kind treatment at the hand of the farmer, and I am sure they would +prefer life on a farm, with good palatable food and liberty, to being +shut up here as prisoners and fed as paupers, as we in the ladies' ward +are, without one word or look of sympathy or respect extended to us.</p> + +<p>One day this week, I had been watching one of the men working at the +strawberry beds, thinking I would like to live on a farm now, that I +might cultivate those lovely berries. The Doctor came in to make his +usual morning call, in the hall, with a book and pencil in his hand; +that is all he ever does for us. I thought I would make him think I +thought him a gentleman, which he is not, and perhaps he would be more +willing to let me go home. It has taken effect. I suppose he thinks I +have forgotten all the doings of the past winter, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> that I will not +dare to say anything against such a mighty man as he is. I am glad I +have taken it down in black and white, so as not to forget the wrongs of +the Province, and the wrongs of those poor neglected women, of whom I am +one. I ought not to write in this manner, but my indignation overcomes +me sometimes, and I cannot help it. He is a little more social now than +usual, and I suggest that if he bring blackberry bushes from the field, +and set them around the fence, keeping the ground irrigated round the +roots, he might have as nice fruit as the cultivated. He said yes, he +would send some of his men out to his farm and get some, and he left as +pleasant as he came. That was the first time he ever left me without +being driven away by my making some request, and being refused.</p> + +<p>This reminds me of the day I begged so hard for a pot of Holloway's +Ointment. I had asked my boys several times to bring it to me, and I +thought they always forgot it. I had used it many years, not constantly, +only for a little rash on my face at times; it has annoyed me very much +lately. This day I had urged him all I could, and he left me, saying he +had too much on his mind today. I followed him to the door, saying, "I +don't want to think so ill of you, Doctor, as that you will not grant me +so small a favor—a twenty-five cent favor—and I will pay for it +myself."</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Saturday Morning.</span>—I am so impatient! I hardly dare to hope. +Will I be free to breathe the air of heaven again, to walk out in the +warmth of His sunshine? Perhaps I am punished for questioning the exact +truth of that story, so long ago, that I could not quite explain to +myself or believe how it could be handed down over so many years. I have +stood almost where He has stood, once before in my life. "The foxes have +holes, and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of man hath not +where to lay his head." I have been "led by the spirit into the +wilderness." Pontius Pilate is not here to say, "I find no sin in this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> +man," but there are those here who would lock me in, and never let me +set my foot outside of these walls, if they knew I was writing this with +the hope of laying it before the Province.</p> + +<p>Yesterday was bathing-day—a cold, damp April day. No steam on; I tried +the radiators, but there was no hot air to come. The young teacher—in +whom I was so much interested, and whose name I will not give here, as +she always begged me not to mention her name—she stood with me at the +radiator trying to find some heat. The Doctor came in and I say, +"Doctor, can't you send up some coal, there is only a few red coals in +the grate, no steam on, and we are nearly frozen?" He said, "The hard +coal is all gone." "Well, send us some soft coal, wood, anything to keep +us warm." He left us; no coal came till after dinner. I met one of the +nurses in the next ward; I told her our wants, and she sent it by a +young man who was always attentive and respectful, but we could not +always find a messenger who would take the trouble to find him.</p> + +<p>The Doctor has been in again: Mary and I were together as usual. He +looked at us very pleasantly, and I said, "You will be able to send us +home now soon, surely." He drew me away from her, saying, "I don't wish +her to hear this. Don't you know, Mr. Ring went to Annapolis and hung +himself?" "They did not watch him well," said I, and he left, thinking, +I suppose, that he had silenced me effectually. I went to Mrs. Mills, +and enquired about Mr. Ring, and learned that he had never been here, +and was quite an old man. What had that to do with us? We have no wish +to harm ourselves or any one else. I see now that is the influence he +uses to induce people to leave their friends here. My son told me one +day he had kept the Asylum so well the public were perfectly satisfied +with him; no wonder he conducts it so well when there are so few +lunatics here. I suppose he has left me here waiting for me to get +satisfied too; well, I am, but as soon as I am out I shall write to +Mary's mother to come for her, for I can hard<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>ly go and leave her here. +I have taken her in my heart as my own; she is so good a girl, wasting +her precious life here for the amusement of others—I don't see anything +else in it.</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">St. John's Hotel, April 30.</span>—At last I am free! Seated in my +own room at the hotel, I look back at that prison on the hill. I had won +a little interest in the hearts of the nurses in our ward; they +expressed regret at my leaving. Ellen Regan, who was the first to +volunteer me any kindness, said, "We shall miss you, Mrs. Pengilly, for +you always had a cheerful word for every one." I did not bid all the +patients good-bye, for I hope soon to return and stay with them. I would +like so much to look after these poor women, who are so neglected. I +will ask the Commissioners to allow me to remain with them, if only one +year, to superintend the female department, not under the jurisdiction +of the present Superintendent, but with the assistance of the Junior +Physician and the nurses, who each understand the work of their own +departments, and will be willing to follow my instructions. I will teach +them to think theirs is no common servitude—merely working for pay—but +a higher responsibility is attached to this work, of making comfortable +those poor unfortunates entrusted to their care, and they will learn to +know they are working for a purpose worth living for; and they will be +worthy of the title, "Sisters of Mercy."</p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Tuesday.</span>—I have been to the Solicitor-General, and left with +him a copy of parts of my diary, and I am prepared to attest to its +truth before the Board of Commissioners, whenever it shall meet. He said +he was pleased to have my suggestions, as they now had the Provincial +Lunatic Asylum under consideration, and assured me he would attend to +it. His words and manners assure me he is a gentleman to be relied on, +and I feel safe in leaving my case in his hands.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> + + +<p><span class="smcap">June.</span>—I have spent three weeks in Fredericton, the capital of +New Brunswick, while waiting for the Board of Commissioners to meet and +discuss the affairs of the Provincial Lunatic Asylum, concerning which +my time at present is devoted. They are members of Government, and seem +to be too busy for anything. I called on the Attorney-General, with what +effect he himself best knows; it is not worth repeating here. I will +only say, neither he nor his partner quite understand the courtesy due +to a woman or lady. It cannot be expected of persons who are over-loaded +with business, that they shall have leisure sufficient to oversee the +arrangements of the Provincial Lunatic Asylum, which needs, like any +other household, a woman's care to make it perfect.</p> + +<p>In my wanderings since the fire of 1877, I boarded some weeks at the Y. +W. C. A. home in Boston, a beautiful institution, conducted entirely by +ladies. It was a comfortable, happy home, ruled by ladies who were like +mothers or friends to all its occupants, and under the supervision of a +committee of ladies who visit it every week. It is such arrangements we +need to perfect the working of our public institutions, where a woman's +care is required as in a home. Men are properly the outside agents, but +women should attend to the inner working of any home.</p> + +<p>The Tewksbury affair of 1883, stands a disgrace to the New England +States, who had so long prided themselves on their many public +charitable institutions, and which have, without question, been an honor +to her people.</p> + +<p>I am sorry to say they are not all perfect, as I learned from the lips +of a young man in this hotel, who looked as if he were going home to +die. He had been waiting some weeks in the Boston City Hospital, until +the warm weather should make his journey less dangerous in his weak +state. "If I should live a hundred years, I should never get that +hospital off my mind," were his words, as he lay back in his chair +looking so sad; "a disagreeable, unkind nurse, a cold ward, and +miserable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> food." His words touched a responsive chord in my heart, for +my experiences had been similar to his; I can never forget them.</p> + +<p>Let me here entreat the ladies, wherever this book may be read, that +they take this work upon themselves. Rise up in your own strength, and +solicit the Governor to appoint you as Commissioners, as you are over +your Old Ladies' Homes. If the Governor has the authority or power to +appoint those who now form the Board of Commissioners of the Provincial +Lunatic Asylum, he can surely invest you with the same title, and you +will not any longer allow your fellow-sisters to be neglected by those +who cannot understand the weakness or the misfortunes that have brought +them under the necessity of being protected by the public.</p> + +<p>Before leaving Fredericton, I called at the Government House to lay my +case before His Excellency the Lieutenant Governor, hoping to awaken his +sympathy in our cause, and urge him to call an early meeting of the +Board. I was so anxious to return to the care of those poor feeble women +I had left in the Asylum; so anxious to right their wrongs, I could not +be restrained by friend or foe from finishing this work so near my +heart. Some of my friends really believe me insane on the subject. There +are those who can apply this to themselves, and others whose kindness +and hospitality I shall ever remember with grateful pleasure. They will +none of them doubt the truth of this statement.</p> + +<p>Governor Wilmot did not doubt me. He received me very kindly, as did +also his good lady. After conversing with him on the subject until I +felt I ought not trespass any longer on his time, I rose to leave, and +at the door expressed a wish for a bunch of lilacs that grew in great +abundance on large bushes interspersed with trees, and which made the +grounds look very beautiful. He gathered me a bunch with his own hand, +for which I felt thankful and highly honored; as we walked together I +told him my father's name. "Lewis Huestis," said he, "I knew him well." +I had not known that,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> but I did know that Wilmot had always been an +honored name in my father's house. When bidding him good-bye, I again +referred to the old subject, by saying, "I have lost my home and +business by the fire; my sons are scattered abroad in the world and do +not need my care; I would like to devote my remaining years, as far as I +am able, to better the condition of those poor sufferers in the Asylum." +He answered, "I hope you will, for I think it will be well for them to +have your care, and I will do all I can to assist you." These were his +words, as near as I can remember, and I left the Government House, +feeling as if I had been making a pleasant call on an old friend. I +write these last few lines as a tribute of respect to the memory of the +name of Governor Wilmot, and that of my own father, who always had the +interests of his country at heart.</p> + +<p>I returned to the city feeling cheered by the words of encouragement and +sympathy I had received. It well repaid me for the trouble of my journey +to Fredericton.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>I will leave this subject now in the hands of the ladies, wherever this +little book may find them, who, having leisure and influence, will not, +I hope, fail to use them for the benefit of suffering humanity, +remembering we are all children of one Father—Our Father in Heaven. +Improve the talent He has given you, that it may be said to you, "Well +done, thou good and faithful servant."</p> + + +<p style="margin-left: 12em;">Respectfully,</p> +<p style="margin-left: 16em;">M. H. P.</p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Diary Written in the Provincial +Lunatic Asylum, by Mary Huestis Pengilly + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY FROM LUNATIC ASYLUM *** + +***** This file should be named 18398-h.htm or 18398-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/3/9/18398/ + +Produced by Stacy Brown, K.D. Thornton, Canadiana.org and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Diary Written in the Provincial Lunatic Asylum + +Author: Mary Huestis Pengilly + +Release Date: May 16, 2006 [EBook #18398] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY FROM LUNATIC ASYLUM *** + + + + +Produced by Stacy Brown, K.D. Thornton, Canadiana.org and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + +DIARY +WRITTEN IN THE +Provincial Lunatic Asylum, + +BY + +MARY HUESTIS PENGILLY. + + + _The prison doors are open--I am free; + Be this my messenger o'er land and sea._ + + +PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR. +1885. + + + + + This little book is humbly dedicated to the Province of New + Brunswick, and the State of Massachusetts, by one who has had so + sad an experience in this, the sixty-second year of her age, that + she feels it to be her imperative duty to lay it before the public + in such a manner as shall reach the hearts of the people in this + her native Province, as also the people of Massachusetts, with whom + she had a refuge since driven from her own home by the St. John + fire of 1877. She sincerely hopes it may be read in every State of + the Union, as well as throughout the Dominion of Canada, that it + may help to show the inner workings of their Hospitals and Asylums, + and prompt them to search out better methods of conducting them, as + well for the benefit of the superintendent as the patient. + + + + +December.--They will not allow me to go home, and I must write these +things down for fear I forget. It will help to pass the time away. It is +very hard to endure this prison life, and know that my sons think me +insane when I am not. + +How unkind Mrs. Mills is today; does she think this sort of treatment is +for the good of our health? I begged for milk today, and she can't spare +me any; she has not enough for all the old women, she says. I don't wish +to deprive any one of that which they require, but have I not a right to +all I require to feed me and make me well? All I do need is good +nourishing food, and I know better than any one else can what I require +to build me up and make me as I was before I met with this strange +change of condition. I remember telling the Doctor, on his first visit +to my room, that I only needed biscuit and milk and beef tea to make me +well. He rose to his feet and said, "I know better than any other man." +That was all I heard him say, and he walked out, leaving me without a +word of sympathy, or a promise that I should have anything. I say to +myself (as I always talk aloud to myself when not well), "You don't know +any more than this old woman does." I take tea with Mrs. Mills; I don't +like to look at those patients who look so wretched. + +I can't bear to see myself in the glass, I am so wasted--so miserable. +My poor boys, no wonder you look so sad, to see your mother looking so +badly, and be compelled to leave her here alone among strangers who know +nothing about her past life. They don't seem to have any respect for me. +If I were the most miserable woman in the city of St. John, I would be +entitled to better treatment at the hands of those who are paid by the +Province to make us as comfortable as they can, by keeping us warmed and +fed, as poor feeble invalids should be kept. + + +December 20.--I have made myself quite happy this week, thinking of what +Christmas may bring to many childish hearts, and how I once tried to +make my own dear boys happy at Christmas time. I helped poor Maggy to +make artificial flowers for a wreath she herself had made of cedar. She +was making it for some friend in the Asylum. She never goes out; she +wishes to go sometimes, but Mrs. Mills scolds her a little, then she +works on and says no more about it. Poor Maggy! there is nothing ailing +her but a little too much temper. She does all the dining-room +work--washes dishes and many other things. + + +January.--They have had a festival; it was made, I suppose, to benefit +some one here; I don't know whom. It certainly did not benefit me any; +no one invited me to go to the church where the festival was held, but +Dr. Crookshank, the Assistant Physician, looked at me very kindly and +said, "Do come, Mrs. Pengilly, you may as well come." I looked at my +dress (it is grey flannel, and I have had no other to change since I +came here), "I can't go looking like this; I must be a little better +dressed to go into a public meeting of any kind; I am not accustomed to +go looking like this, with nothing on my neck." He said, "Very well, +something shall come to you;" and Mrs. Hays, who is Assistant Nurse in +our Ward, brought me a plate of food and fruit, such as is generally had +at festivals. + +I have not had my trunk yet; sure the boys did not leave me here without +my trunk. Perhaps they do not wish me to go in sight of people from the +city, for fear they will recognize me, and I should make my complaints +known to them. I have entreated them to give me my trunk so many times +in vain that I have given it up. I did ask Mrs. Mills, and she says, +"Ask Mrs. Murphy, she has charge of the trunk room." I asked her; she +says she will see, and she will bring me whatever I need that is in it. +She puts me off with a soft answer, until I begin to think there is +nothing done for any one here, only what they cannot avoid. It is a +self-running establishment, I guess, for no one seems to know how or +when to do anything I wish to have done, whatever they may do for +others. + + +February.--The weather is cold. I have more to occupy my time now. I +have learned how to let off the cold air from the radiators, and then we +get more heat. I do it when no one sees me. I shall do all I can to make +myself comfortable, and they all share it. When I arise in the morning, +my first thought is to look up the hall to see if there is fire in the +grate--the one little grate in that large hall, to give warmth and +comfort to us poor prisoners. If the fire is there, I feel pleased; I go +up as soon as the sweeping is done, and try to feel at home. I tell the +nurse I will tend the fire, if she will have the coal left beside the +grate. Sometimes they allow it willingly, and I enjoy it. I brush up the +hearth, and make it look cheerful and homelike as possible. I draw up +the huge, uncomfortable seats to form a circle; they stand round until I +get there; they are happy to sit with me, but they don't know enough to +draw up a seat for themselves. I have found pleasure in this; it cheers +my heart. There is no situation in life, however unpleasant it may be, +but has some bright places in it. I love to cheat Mrs. Mills; I watch my +chance when she is not near, and let off the cold air in the radiator +until the warm air comes, and then close it. I add coal to the fire, +saying to myself, "This castle belongs to the Province, and so do I. We +have a right to all the comforts of life here, and especially so when +five dollars a week is paid for our board; let us have a nice fire and +bask in its comforting rays." I love the heat; if the seats at the grate +get filled up, I come back to the radiator. Perhaps it is warm enough to +afford to have the window open a few moments, to let the impure air +escape--just a little of it; then I sit close by it, calling it my +kitchen fire-place. I am regulating the comfort of this ward in a +measure, but they don't know it. + + +February.--My dear Lewis has been to see me today. We chat together as +usual; how can he think me crazy? Dr. Steeves tells him I am, I suppose, +and so he thinks it must be so. He is so happy to see me looking better; +he is more loving than ever; he holds my hand in his and tells me he +will take me out for a drive when the weather is fine. And I said, "Oh +Lewis, my dear boy, I am well enough to go home with you to your hotel +now." I so long for some of Mrs. Burns' good dinners; her meals are all +nice, and here we have such horrid stuff. Dark-colored, sour bakers' +bread, with miserable butter, constitutes our breakfast and tea; there +is oatmeal porridge and cheap molasses at breakfast, but I could not eat +that, it would be salts and senna for me. At noon we have plenty of meat +and vegetables, indifferently cooked, but we don't require food suitable +for men working out of doors. We need something to tempt the appetite a +little. + +No matter what I say, how earnestly I plead, he believes Dr. Steeves in +preference to me. If I should die here, he will still believe Dr. +Steeves, who looks so well they cannot think he would do so great a +wrong. When I first began to realize that I must stay here all winter, I +begged the Doctor to take me to his table, or change his baker; "I +cannot live on such fare as you give us here." His reply was, "I don't +keep a boarding house." Who does keep this boarding house? Is there any +justice on earth or under heaven? Will this thing always be allowed to +go on? Sometimes I almost sink in despair. One consolation is left +me--some day death will unlock those prison doors, and my freed spirit +will go forth rejoicing in its liberty. + +There is a dear girl here whose presence has helped to pass the time +more pleasantly, and yet I am more anxious on her account. How can her +mother leave her so long in such care as this? Ah, they cannot know how +she is faring; she often says, "I used to have nice cake at home, and +could make it, too." She has been teaching school, has over-worked, had +a fever, lost her reason, and came here last June. She is well enough +to go home. I fear if they leave her here much longer she will never +recover her spirits. She is afraid of Mrs. Mills, and dare not ask for +any favor. Mrs. Mills is vexed if she finds her in my room, and does not +like to see us talking. I suppose she fears we will compare notes to her +disadvantage, or detrimental to the rules of the house. I think it is +against the rules of this house that we should be indulged in any of the +comforts of life. + + +March.--At last I have my trunk: why it should have been detained so +long I cannot conceive. I feel rich in the possession of the little +needful articles it contains. + +I enquired of Dr. Steeves, some time ago, if he had not in the Asylum a +supply of necessary articles for our use, telling him I wanted a paper +of pins very much. He said they were for the indigent patients, so I got +none. My son, Tom, gave me some small silver some weeks ago, but I was +no better off. No one would do me an errand outside. I begged Mrs. Mills +at different times to buy me some pins, and to buy me an extra quart of +milk. I was so hungry for milk, but she said it was against the rules of +the house. She gives me now a glass nearly full at bed time, with one +soda biscuit. This is the only luxury we have here; some others get the +same. It is because I have tried to make her think we are her children, +left in her care. I said to her, "'Feed my lambs,' you are our +Shepherd;" and she is if she only knew it. I have quoted the words of +Him whose example we should all follow: "Do good unto others." I am +watching over those poor lambs now, to see how they are tended, and I +will tell the Commissioners in whose care the Asylum is left by the +Province. The people of New Brunswick suppose they attend to it. The +Commissioners have placed it in the care of Dr. Steeves, and they +believe him quite capable of conducting it properly. Is this the way it +should be done? I don't think so. + +I observed Miss Fowler today holding her hand to her eye, which is +looking inflamed; she is blind; a well-educated, delicate, gentle-woman. +I take more than usual interest in her for that reason. I often sit +beside her and she tells me of her mother, and wants me to go home with +her to number one. She does not seem a lunatic, and she is neglected. I +tied her eye up with my own handkerchief, and a wet rag on it. I did not +mean to offend, I had done so before and it was not observed. Mrs. Mills +came along just as I had done it; she jerked it off in anger, and threw +it on the floor. I said to her, "That is not a Christian act," but she +pays no heed; perhaps her morning work makes her feel cross. + +I come back to my own room and write again; what shall I do? I +cannot--how can I stay here any longer! and I cannot get away, locked in +as prisoners in our rooms at night, fed like paupers. If I were +committed to the penitentiary for a crime, I would not be used any worse +than I am here. My heart longs for sympathy, and has it not. I have +tried to soften Mrs. Mills' heart, and win her sympathy, but I cannot, +and I cannot withhold my pity for those poor invalids who fare even +worse than I. + + +March 13.--I must write this while fresh in my mind, for fear I may +forget. There is a Miss Short here--a fair-haired, nice-looking girl; +she stands up and reads in the Testament as if she were in +Sunday-school, recites poetry, and tries to play on the piano. I did not +think her much out of order when she came, but she is now. She has grown +steadily worse. Her father came to see her, and she cried to go home +with him. I wished very much to tell him to take her home, but Mrs. +Mills did not leave them, and I dared not speak to him. She has grown so +much worse, she tears her dress off, so they have to put leather +hand-cuffs on her wrists so tight they make her hands swell. I say, "Oh, +Mrs. Mills, don't you see they are too tight, her hands look ready to +burst--purple with blood." She paid no heed: "It does not hurt her +any." Yesterday she tied a canvas belt round her waist so tight that it +made my heart ache to look at it. I am sure it would have stopped my +breath in a short time; they tied her to the back of the seat with the +ends of it. + + +March 17.--Another poor victim has come to our ward today--a black-eyed, +delicate-looking girl. She looked _so sad_, I was drawn to her at once. +I sat beside her in Mrs. Mills' absence, and enquired the cause of her +trouble; she said her food gave her pain--she is dyspeptic. If the +Doctor would question the patients and their friends as to the cause of +their insanity, they might, as in other cases of illness, know what +remedy to apply. This dear child has been living at Dr. Wm. Bayards' +three years--chambermaid--that is enough to assure me she is a good +girl. I think she wears her dress too tight. I unloosened her laces and +underskirts to make them easy; they are all neat and tidy, as if she had +come from a good home. + +Another day is here. That poor girl is in great trouble yet. When I went +out into the hall this morning, she was kneeling by the door; she laid +her cheek on the bare floor, praying for her sins to be forgiven, +murmuring something of those who had gone before. I cannot think she has +sinned; poor child! she has lost her health in some way; she has +transgressed some law of nature. I think it has been tight lacing that +caused some of the trouble, for she sat up on the floor when I invited +her to stand up for fear some one would open the door and walk over her, +and rubbed the calf of her leg, saying it was all numb. Anything too +tight causes pain and distress by interrupting the free circulation of +the blood. She is so pitiful and sad! How could Mrs. Mills speak so +unkindly to her, pushing her with her foot to make her rise up? She +treats them like wicked school-boys who have done something to torment +her and merit punishment. I cannot but pity Mrs. Mills, for this is an +uncomfortable position to fill, and if she has always obeyed her +Superintendent, she has done her duty, and deserves a retired allowance. +The younger nurses are all learning from her, and will grow +hard-hearted, for they think she is one to teach them; they come to her +for help in case of emergency, and they go all together, and are able to +conquer by main strength what might in most cases be done by a gentle +word. "A soft answer turneth away wrath;" I have known this all my life, +but I never felt it so forcibly as now. + +There is a lady here from Westmoreland; her hair is cut short, and her +eyes are black and wild. The first time I spoke to her she struck me, +lightly, and I walked away; I knew she was crazy. After I had met her a +few times and found she was not dangerous, I ventured to sit down beside +her. She was lying on her couch in a room off the dining-room; she lay +on her back knitting, talking in a rambling way: "Do you know what kind +of a place this is? Aren't you afraid I'll kill you? I wish I was like +you." I smoothed her hair with my hand as I would a child. I thought, +perhaps, she had done some great wrong. She said she had killed her +mother. Often before, I had stood beside her, for I looked at her a +number of times before I ventured to sit by her. I had no recollection +of seeing her when I first came, till I found her in this room. I +suppose she was so violent they shut her in here to keep her from +striking or injuring any one. I could not discover the cause of her +trouble, but I comforted her all I could, and she has always been +friendly with me since, and listened to my words as if I were her +mother. She has been here a long time. Last Friday--bathing day--two +young, strong nurses were trying to take her from her room to the +bath-room (I suppose she was unwilling to be washed, for I have noticed +when I saw her in that room on the couch, she was not clean as she +should be--her clothes did not have a good air about them). The nurses +were using force, and she struggled against it. They used the means they +often use; I suppose that is their surest method of conquering the +obstinate spirit that will rise up to defend itself in any child or +woman. She was made more violent by her hair being pulled; one nurse had +her hands, and the other caught her by her hair, which is just long +enough to hold by. They made her walk. I was walking near them when I +saw one seize her by the hair; she tried to bite her on the arm. I +started forward, and laid my hand on her arm, with--"Don't, my poor +child, don't do so; be gentle with her, girls, and she will go." She +looked at me, and her face softened; that angry spirit melted within +her, and they went on to the bath-room. Shortly after that I met her +looking fresh and nice; she was in Mrs. Mills' room, in her +rocking-chair. Sometimes I look in there to see if that chair is empty, +to have a rock in it myself. I think it better for her health to knit in +the rocking-chair than to lay down and knit or read either, so I leave +her there. Perhaps she has read too much and injured her brain; if so, I +would not let her read so much. + + +March 20.--Poor Mrs. Mills has served thirty-two years here, and has +become hardened as one will to any situation or surroundings. She is too +old a woman, and her temper has been too much tried. She is tidy, and +works well for so old a woman, but she is not fit for a nurse. If she +were a British soldier, and had served her country so long, she would be +entitled to a pension. + +Poor Miss Short! Last week I saw her lying on the floor nearly under the +bed, her dress torn, her hair disheveled. How can her friends leave her +so long! Some ladies came to see her a short time ago, and as they left +the hall I heard her call them to take her with them. If they knew all +as I do, they would not leave her here another day. + +There is a Miss Snow here from St. Stephens. I remember distinctly when +I first came, she raved all the time. I did not dare to look in her +bed-room. + +I must write something of myself today. I can look back and see plainly +all my journey here. The day may come when I shall be laid away in the +grave, and my boys--the dear boys I have loved so well--will look over +my trunk and find this manuscript; they will then perhaps believe I am +not crazy. I know Dr. Steeves tells them I am a lunatic yet. They will +weep over this, as they think of the mother they have left here to die +among strangers. It would be happiness to die surrounded by my friends, +to be able to tell them they have only to live well that they may die +well. To be true to ourselves and to our fellows, is all the good we +need. That I have always striven to do, does now my spirit feed. + +I have been so near the grave, the border land of heaven. I heard +angels' voices; they talked with me even as they did with John on the +Isle of Patmos, when they said to him, "Worship God who sent me." + +I was very much alone, engaged in writing a book on the laws of health. +My desire to write increased; I became so absorbed with my work I forgot +to eat, and, after a day or two, I seemed to think I had done some +wrong. The angel voices whispered me that I must fast and pray; I know I +had plenty of food in my closet, but I don't remember eating any more. I +fasted eight days, and felt comfortable and happy most of the time. I +sang to myself, "O death, where is thy sting, where is thy victory, +boasting grave." I wept for my own sins, and wished to die, the world to +save. I was trying to perform some ancient right or vow, one day, and my +sons came in. I ordered them away, but they would not go. They said they +would bring me home, for Lewis, who was living with me near Boston, sent +for my son, T. M. Pengilly, who is proprietor of a drug store in St. +John. I suppose he discovered I was fasting, and saw me failing so fast +he telegraphed to Tom to come to his assistance. I remember I kissed him +when he came, asked him what he came for, and bade him leave me. I know +now how unreasonable that was, for we had no other room but Lewis' +bed-room, and in it there was no fire. We had rented rooms, as Lewis +took his meals at a boarding-house near. Poor boys, they went in and +out; it seemed to me they did not eat or sleep for some days; I thought +they were as crazy as I was in the cars. + +They brought Dr. Hunter to see me. I had been acquainted with him some +time previous. I told him I was sorry they had brought him to see me, +for I needed no physicians, I only needed to fast and pray. "I know you +are a good man, Dr. Hunter, but you need not come to see me again; I +will be all right in time; God and His angels will keep me always." +These were my words to him; I know not what prompted me; I suppose it +was my insanity. I think I told them to nail up the doors and leave me +there till summer. That was the last week of October. My poor boys, how +tried and worried they must have been. They watched me night and day +alternately. I told them I had not talked with them enough of my own +religion. I begged Tom to read the Bible and kneel and pray, but he +would not; I think he fell asleep in my rocking-chair (how often I have +wished for that rocking-chair since I came here). + +On Sunday morning I heard them say, "We will go home in the first +train." Lewis went out to see about it, and I told Tom I wished to take +the sacrament, and he should give it to me, for he would yet be bishop +of St. John--"St. Thomas" he should be called. I can but laugh when I +think of it now, but it was very real to me then. I had been a member--a +communicant--of St. James' Church, Episcopal, some years; I had taken my +boys to Sunday School, to receive that religious instruction which I was +not qualified to give. They had accompanied me to church, always, but I +felt as if I had not spoken to them on religious subjects as I ought to +have done. + +It is fourteen years, I think, since I was christened in St. James' +Church, by Rev. William Armstrong, whose voice I always loved to hear in +the beautiful service of our church. I was confirmed by Bishop John +Fredricton, in Trinity Church. I well remember the pressure of that +reverend hand upon my head, and the impressive words of his address to +us who were that day received into the church--"Let your inner life be +as good or better than your outer life, if you would be worthily known +as His children." He desired the young men in particular to take up some +useful study, to occupy their leisure hours--something outside of their +every-day business of life. What better words could have been said; I +would that the young men of the present day should often hear those +words and accept them as a rule of their life. I float away from +thoughts of my insanity to the days when I was at home going to church +with my children. I must return to my subject. + +They brought the table to my bedside; I kept my eyes closed; I received +the bread from the hand of one son, and the wine from the hand of the +other. I tasted it, and my fast was broken. I discovered, to my great +surprise, it was only toast and tea. They had improved upon my wish, and +thought to feed me, their poor wasted mother. They dressed me for the +journey; I would not assist them any; they had not obeyed my wish to be +left alone in my room all winter; so, when I yielded to them, I left all +for them to do; the only thing I did myself was to take from the closet +this grey flannel dress--I had made it for traveling, before I left +Lowell for Old Orchard. They did not seem to know what they were doing. +I had two bonnets, but they never mentioned them, as I remember. They +left my night-cap on, and tied a silk handkerchief over it. They carried +me down stairs in their arms, and lifted me in the coach. After we were +on our way in the cars, I found my hair was hanging down my back; I had +nothing to fasten it up with, and I arranged the handkerchief to cover +it. I began to feel happy with the thought of going home. I tried to +cheer them, and they could not help smiling at me. I wondered they were +not ashamed of me, I looked so badly. I told them not to call me +mother, to say I was old Mrs. Sinnett; that they were bringing me home +to my friends. + +Poor boys, I wonder if they remember that journey in the cars as I do. +At my request, Tom brought me a goblet of milk, at two stopping places, +and when I found they had brought me to an Asylum I felt no fear; I +thought I had only to ask and receive what I needed. I knew they thought +me crazy, so I would not bid them good-bye, when they left me, but +concluded to play lunatic. I refused to kiss Lewis when he left me, that +dear boy who had watched over me so faithfully, carrying me in his arms +from one car to the other. When we changed cars, he placed me in a +Pullman car, and I thought I was safely hidden from something, I knew +not what. I only know I was so happy while I was with my sons; nothing +troubled me. I sang and chatted to Lewis; he would not leave me a +moment; he kneeled beside my berth, and I called him my best of sons, +and smoothed his hair with my hand. All my journey through I heard the +voice of angels whispering to me, "Hold on by the hand of your sons; +keep them with you and you will be safe; they are your sons, they are +the sons of God,"--and they are. All who do their duty as they were +doing, to the best of their ability, are the children of God; for, if we +do the best we can, angels can do no more. + +I thought I was perfectly safe here, and if the Doctor had given me the +food which should be given to an invalid, or if he had granted any +requests I made to him in a reasonable manner, I should not have been +prompted to write these lines or recall those memories of the past. + +One thought brings another. When, on the morning after my arrival, I +begged for milk and biscuit, they refused, and then brought a bowl of +common looking soup with black looking bakers' bread. I refused to eat +it; if it had been beef tea with soda biscuit in it, I would have taken +it myself. They did not live to coax crazy people. Mrs. Mills called in +her help, and it did not need many, I was so weak; they held me back, +and she stuffed the soup down my throat. + +When I came here first, I told the nurse my name was Mary Huestis; that +was my maiden name; I hardly know why I prefer that to my sons' name, +for they are sons no mother need be ashamed of. My prayers for them have +always been, that they might be a benefit to their fellows; that they +grow to be good men; to be able to fill their places in the world as +useful members of society, not living entirely for themselves, but for +the good of others, an honor to themselves and a blessing to the world. +If we live well, we will not be afraid to die. "Perfect love casteth out +fear." I must write no more today. + + +March 24.--Two years ago today I was watching by the bedside of my dying +child. Driven from our home by the fire, I was tarrying for her to +complete her education in the city of Lowell, which is second to no city +in the world for its educational privileges. Free schools, with books +free to all its children, and excellent teachers. To Lowell schools and +to my darling child, I must here pay this tribute. The day after her +death, the principal of the school she attended addressed the school +with these words--"Clara Pengilly has attended this school two years, +and I have never heard a fault found with her; there has never been a +complaint brought to me by teacher or schoolmates concerning her." Her +teacher brought me two large bouquets to ornament the room at her +funeral, sent by the pupils and teachers of the school where she had +been a happy attendant, for she loved her teachers, and always told me +how good and kind they were to her; no wonder every one loved her, for +she had a loving heart and a nature so full of sunshine she could not be +unhappy. We had boarded eight months with a lady whose only daughter was +blind from her birth. Clara loved to lead her out for a walk, and read +to her at home; no pleasure was complete unless shared with her blind +friend, who was younger than herself, and whose life she could brighten +by her willingness to devote her unoccupied time to her service. Dear +Lorelle, we all loved her for her goodness, and pitied her for her +infirmity. The boarders and others at her home sent flowers too. Her +mother arranged a green vine and flowers around her face and in her +hand. When she had finished, she said, "That is the last we can do for +you, Clara; I know she was so fond of flowers, she would be pleased if +she could see them." I cared not for the flowers, I only knew that +loving heart was stilled in death, and I was left alone; with an effort, +I said, "Lorelle will never know a truer friend than she who lies here." +My tears unbidden flow; why do I go back in memory to those sorrowful +days? I know she is happy now. Let me draw the veil of charity over the +past with all its troubles, remembering only the many acts of kindness +done for us by our friends at that time. + +It is this waiting so long a prisoner, begging to be liberated. My hands +will not remain folded or my brain idle. I must write again of poor Miss +Snow. I ventured into her room, feeling anxious to help her by coaxing +her into a better frame of mind. She is wasted to a shadow; I am sure if +she had any food to tempt her to eat she would grow stronger; some nice +bread and milk at bed time would help her to sleep. I soothed her as I +would a child in trouble, until she ceased her raving, and then +questioned her to discover the cause of her disease. She is a +well-educated, intelligent lady. In her ravings she often says she is +the only lady in the hall, and seems to have a temper of her own, which +has been made more than violent by her stay in this ward. She is very +fond of drawing small pencil sketches, and works at them late at night, +which I think is certainly injurious. I conclude she is the victim of +late hours and fancy work; she acknowledges she used to sew until after +twelve, working for bazaars. If the ladies would only come here and +study the needs of these poor victims of insanity, and make better +arrangements for their welfare, they would find a higher calling than +exhausting their energies working for bazaars, and leaving us to the +care of those who care nothing for us and will not learn. Too much +temper and too much indolence rule here. I go in sometimes and coax her +to stop talking and lie down. I cover her up to keep her warm; she is +blue with the cold. If I could keep her in a nice warm room, with kind +treatment and nourishing food! She could not eat that horrible, sour +bakers' bread with poor butter. Sometimes her food would set in her room +a long time. I guess she only eats when she is so starved she can't help +it. I eat because I am determined to live until I find some one who will +help me out of this castle on the hill, that I may tell the +Commissioners all about it. Sometimes I term it a college, in which I am +finishing my education, and I shall graduate some day--when will it be? +My impatient spirit chafes at this long delay. I sit at the grated +window and think, if I were one of those little pigeons on the window +sill I would be happy; content to be anything if only at liberty. + + +April.--The friends of Miss Short have been here and taken her home, and +word returned that she is better. I am thankful to think she is with her +mother, and I do not see her so improperly treated; it made me feel +wretched to think of her. + +Poor Katy Dugan's friends came one day. I watched my chance and told one +of them to let her mother know she was getting worse and was not well +treated. I had many heart-aches for that girl; I scarcely know why. They +must have seen she looked worse; her dress of flannel, trimmed with +satin of the same color, which looked so nice when she came, was filthy +with spots of gruel and milk they had been forcing her to eat. This day, +I remember, was worse than common days of trouble. I had been excited by +seeing one of the most inoffensive inmates pushed and spoken to very +roughly, without having done any wrong. They attempted to comb that +poor girl's hair; she will not submit, begs and cries to go down there. +I go to the bath-room door to beg them to be gentle with her. Mrs. Mills +slammed the door in my face. She is vexed at any expression of sympathy. +Again I hear that pitiful cry, and I go up the hall to see what the +trouble is. They had taken her in a room to hold her on the floor, by +those heavy, strong nurses sitting on her arms and feet, while they +force her to eat. I return, for I can't endure the sight. I met Mrs. +Mills, with a large spoon, going to stuff her as she did me. (I was not +dyspeptic; I had fasted and would have eaten if they had given me milk, +as I requested.) She was angry at me again; she ordered me to my room, +and threatened to lock me in. What have I done to merit such treatment? +How can I endure this any longer! + + +April 3.--Yesterday was election day of the Aldermen of the city of St. +John. Dr. Steeves came in this morning and congratulated me very +pleasantly that my son was elected Alderman. I thanked him and said I +was not at all surprised, for he was very popular in his ward; always +kind and courteous to every one, he had made many friends. He must know +I am perfectly sane, but I can't persuade him to tell my son I am well +enough to go home. + +My dear Lewis has gone eight hundred miles beyond Winnipeg surveying. I +am sorry to have him go so far. Will I ever see him again? But I feel so +badly when he comes to see me, and refuses to take me home with him; and +I say to myself, "I would die here alone rather than that he, my darling +boy, should be shut in here and treated as I am;" for his temper, if so +opposed, would make him a maniac. I have dreamed of seeing him looking +wretched and crying for fresh air, for he was suffocating. All the time +I had those troubled dreams, I was smothering with gas coming in my room +through the small grating intended to admit heat to make us comfortable, +but it did not. I was obliged to open the window to be able to breathe; +my lungs required oxygen to breathe when I was lying in bed, not gas +from hard coal. + +There is one lady whose room is carpeted and furnished well, but she is +so cold she sits flat on the carpet beside the little grate, trying to +be warm. She has not enough clothing on to keep her warm. Her friends +call often, but they never stay long enough to know that her room is +cold. They cannot know how uncomfortable she is, or what miserable food +she has, for we all fare alike. + +April is nearly gone. Tom has promised to come for me on Monday; I feel +so happy to think I am going to be free once more. I sat on my favorite +seat in the window sill, looking at those poor men working on the +grounds. There were three; they did not look like lunatics, no overseer +near them; they were shoveling or spading, and three ducks followed +them. Fed by the All-Father's hand, they gather food for themselves; the +men never disturb them; they cannot be violent. Many a farmer would be +willing to give one of those men a permanent home for his services. The +knowledge that this home is here for them to return to, would ensure +them kind treatment at the hand of the farmer, and I am sure they would +prefer life on a farm, with good palatable food and liberty, to being +shut up here as prisoners and fed as paupers, as we in the ladies' ward +are, without one word or look of sympathy or respect extended to us. + +One day this week, I had been watching one of the men working at the +strawberry beds, thinking I would like to live on a farm now, that I +might cultivate those lovely berries. The Doctor came in to make his +usual morning call, in the hall, with a book and pencil in his hand; +that is all he ever does for us. I thought I would make him think I +thought him a gentleman, which he is not, and perhaps he would be more +willing to let me go home. It has taken effect. I suppose he thinks I +have forgotten all the doings of the past winter, and that I will not +dare to say anything against such a mighty man as he is. I am glad I +have taken it down in black and white, so as not to forget the wrongs of +the Province, and the wrongs of those poor neglected women, of whom I am +one. I ought not to write in this manner, but my indignation overcomes +me sometimes, and I cannot help it. He is a little more social now than +usual, and I suggest that if he bring blackberry bushes from the field, +and set them around the fence, keeping the ground irrigated round the +roots, he might have as nice fruit as the cultivated. He said yes, he +would send some of his men out to his farm and get some, and he left as +pleasant as he came. That was the first time he ever left me without +being driven away by my making some request, and being refused. + +This reminds me of the day I begged so hard for a pot of Holloway's +Ointment. I had asked my boys several times to bring it to me, and I +thought they always forgot it. I had used it many years, not constantly, +only for a little rash on my face at times; it has annoyed me very much +lately. This day I had urged him all I could, and he left me, saying he +had too much on his mind today. I followed him to the door, saying, "I +don't want to think so ill of you, Doctor, as that you will not grant me +so small a favor--a twenty-five cent favor--and I will pay for it +myself." + + +Saturday Morning.--I am so impatient! I hardly dare to hope. Will I be +free to breathe the air of heaven again, to walk out in the warmth of +His sunshine? Perhaps I am punished for questioning the exact truth of +that story, so long ago, that I could not quite explain to myself or +believe how it could be handed down over so many years. I have stood +almost where He has stood, once before in my life. "The foxes have +holes, and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of man hath not +where to lay his head." I have been "led by the spirit into the +wilderness." Pontius Pilate is not here to say, "I find no sin in this +man," but there are those here who would lock me in, and never let me +set my foot outside of these walls, if they knew I was writing this with +the hope of laying it before the Province. + +Yesterday was bathing-day--a cold, damp April day. No steam on; I tried +the radiators, but there was no hot air to come. The young teacher--in +whom I was so much interested, and whose name I will not give here, as +she always begged me not to mention her name--she stood with me at the +radiator trying to find some heat. The Doctor came in and I say, +"Doctor, can't you send up some coal, there is only a few red coals in +the grate, no steam on, and we are nearly frozen?" He said, "The hard +coal is all gone." "Well, send us some soft coal, wood, anything to keep +us warm." He left us; no coal came till after dinner. I met one of the +nurses in the next ward; I told her our wants, and she sent it by a +young man who was always attentive and respectful, but we could not +always find a messenger who would take the trouble to find him. + +The Doctor has been in again: Mary and I were together as usual. He +looked at us very pleasantly, and I said, "You will be able to send us +home now soon, surely." He drew me away from her, saying, "I don't wish +her to hear this. Don't you know, Mr. Ring went to Annapolis and hung +himself?" "They did not watch him well," said I, and he left, thinking, +I suppose, that he had silenced me effectually. I went to Mrs. Mills, +and enquired about Mr. Ring, and learned that he had never been here, +and was quite an old man. What had that to do with us? We have no wish +to harm ourselves or any one else. I see now that is the influence he +uses to induce people to leave their friends here. My son told me one +day he had kept the Asylum so well the public were perfectly satisfied +with him; no wonder he conducts it so well when there are so few +lunatics here. I suppose he has left me here waiting for me to get +satisfied too; well, I am, but as soon as I am out I shall write to +Mary's mother to come for her, for I can hardly go and leave her here. +I have taken her in my heart as my own; she is so good a girl, wasting +her precious life here for the amusement of others--I don't see anything +else in it. + + +St. John's Hotel, April 30.--At last I am free! Seated in my own room at +the hotel, I look back at that prison on the hill. I had won a little +interest in the hearts of the nurses in our ward; they expressed regret +at my leaving. Ellen Regan, who was the first to volunteer me any +kindness, said, "We shall miss you, Mrs. Pengilly, for you always had a +cheerful word for every one." I did not bid all the patients good-bye, +for I hope soon to return and stay with them. I would like so much to +look after these poor women, who are so neglected. I will ask the +Commissioners to allow me to remain with them, if only one year, to +superintend the female department, not under the jurisdiction of the +present Superintendent, but with the assistance of the Junior Physician +and the nurses, who each understand the work of their own departments, +and will be willing to follow my instructions. I will teach them to +think theirs is no common servitude--merely working for pay--but a +higher responsibility is attached to this work, of making comfortable +those poor unfortunates entrusted to their care, and they will learn to +know they are working for a purpose worth living for; and they will be +worthy of the title, "Sisters of Mercy." + + +Tuesday.--I have been to the Solicitor-General, and left with him a copy +of parts of my diary, and I am prepared to attest to its truth before +the Board of Commissioners, whenever it shall meet. He said he was +pleased to have my suggestions, as they now had the Provincial Lunatic +Asylum under consideration, and assured me he would attend to it. His +words and manners assure me he is a gentleman to be relied on, and I +feel safe in leaving my case in his hands. + + +June.--I have spent three weeks in Fredericton, the capital of New +Brunswick, while waiting for the Board of Commissioners to meet and +discuss the affairs of the Provincial Lunatic Asylum, concerning which +my time at present is devoted. They are members of Government, and seem +to be too busy for anything. I called on the Attorney-General, with what +effect he himself best knows; it is not worth repeating here. I will +only say, neither he nor his partner quite understand the courtesy due +to a woman or lady. It cannot be expected of persons who are over-loaded +with business, that they shall have leisure sufficient to oversee the +arrangements of the Provincial Lunatic Asylum, which needs, like any +other household, a woman's care to make it perfect. + +In my wanderings since the fire of 1877, I boarded some weeks at the Y. +W. C. A. home in Boston, a beautiful institution, conducted entirely by +ladies. It was a comfortable, happy home, ruled by ladies who were like +mothers or friends to all its occupants, and under the supervision of a +committee of ladies who visit it every week. It is such arrangements we +need to perfect the working of our public institutions, where a woman's +care is required as in a home. Men are properly the outside agents, but +women should attend to the inner working of any home. + +The Tewksbury affair of 1883, stands a disgrace to the New England +States, who had so long prided themselves on their many public +charitable institutions, and which have, without question, been an honor +to her people. + +I am sorry to say they are not all perfect, as I learned from the lips +of a young man in this hotel, who looked as if he were going home to +die. He had been waiting some weeks in the Boston City Hospital, until +the warm weather should make his journey less dangerous in his weak +state. "If I should live a hundred years, I should never get that +hospital off my mind," were his words, as he lay back in his chair +looking so sad; "a disagreeable, unkind nurse, a cold ward, and +miserable food." His words touched a responsive chord in my heart, for +my experiences had been similar to his; I can never forget them. + +Let me here entreat the ladies, wherever this book may be read, that +they take this work upon themselves. Rise up in your own strength, and +solicit the Governor to appoint you as Commissioners, as you are over +your Old Ladies' Homes. If the Governor has the authority or power to +appoint those who now form the Board of Commissioners of the Provincial +Lunatic Asylum, he can surely invest you with the same title, and you +will not any longer allow your fellow-sisters to be neglected by those +who cannot understand the weakness or the misfortunes that have brought +them under the necessity of being protected by the public. + +Before leaving Fredericton, I called at the Government House to lay my +case before His Excellency the Lieutenant Governor, hoping to awaken his +sympathy in our cause, and urge him to call an early meeting of the +Board. I was so anxious to return to the care of those poor feeble women +I had left in the Asylum; so anxious to right their wrongs, I could not +be restrained by friend or foe from finishing this work so near my +heart. Some of my friends really believe me insane on the subject. There +are those who can apply this to themselves, and others whose kindness +and hospitality I shall ever remember with grateful pleasure. They will +none of them doubt the truth of this statement. + +Governor Wilmot did not doubt me. He received me very kindly, as did +also his good lady. After conversing with him on the subject until I +felt I ought not trespass any longer on his time, I rose to leave, and +at the door expressed a wish for a bunch of lilacs that grew in great +abundance on large bushes interspersed with trees, and which made the +grounds look very beautiful. He gathered me a bunch with his own hand, +for which I felt thankful and highly honored; as we walked together I +told him my father's name. "Lewis Huestis," said he, "I knew him well." +I had not known that, but I did know that Wilmot had always been an +honored name in my father's house. When bidding him good-bye, I again +referred to the old subject, by saying, "I have lost my home and +business by the fire; my sons are scattered abroad in the world and do +not need my care; I would like to devote my remaining years, as far as I +am able, to better the condition of those poor sufferers in the Asylum." +He answered, "I hope you will, for I think it will be well for them to +have your care, and I will do all I can to assist you." These were his +words, as near as I can remember, and I left the Government House, +feeling as if I had been making a pleasant call on an old friend. I +write these last few lines as a tribute of respect to the memory of the +name of Governor Wilmot, and that of my own father, who always had the +interests of his country at heart. + +I returned to the city feeling cheered by the words of encouragement and +sympathy I had received. It well repaid me for the trouble of my journey +to Fredericton. + + * * * * * + +I will leave this subject now in the hands of the ladies, wherever this +little book may find them, who, having leisure and influence, will not, +I hope, fail to use them for the benefit of suffering humanity, +remembering we are all children of one Father--Our Father in Heaven. +Improve the talent He has given you, that it may be said to you, "Well +done, thou good and faithful servant." + + + Respectfully, + M. H. P. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Diary Written in the Provincial +Lunatic Asylum, by Mary Huestis Pengilly + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIARY FROM LUNATIC ASYLUM *** + +***** This file should be named 18398.txt or 18398.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/3/9/18398/ + +Produced by Stacy Brown, K.D. 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