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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/17821-8.txt b/17821-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..49f1655 --- /dev/null +++ b/17821-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6353 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Red Hair, by Elinor Glyn + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Red Hair + +Author: Elinor Glyn + +Release Date: February 22, 2006 [EBook #17821] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED HAIR *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Jeroen van Luin and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + The Authors' Press Series + of the Works of + Elinor Glyn + + + + RED HAIR + + + + THE AUTHORS' PRESS, PUBLISHERS + AUBURN, N. Y. + + + Copyright, 1905, by + ELINOR GLYN + + When copyrighted by Elinor Glyn in 1905, + this book was published under the title + "The Vicissitudes of Evangeline." + + + + + + + BRANCHES PARK, + + _November 3._ + + +I wonder so much if it is amusing to be an adventuress, because that is +evidently what I shall become now. I read in a book all about it; it is +being nice looking and having nothing to live on, and getting a pleasant +time out of life--and I intend to do that! I have certainly nothing to +live on, for one cannot count £300 a year; and I am extremely pretty, and +I know it quite well, and how to do my hair, and put on my hats, and those +things--so, of course, I am an adventuress! I was not intended for this +rôle--in fact, Mrs. Carruthers adopted me on purpose to leave me her +fortune, as at that time she had quarrelled with her heir, who was bound +to get the place. Then she was so inconsequent as not to make a proper +will--thus it is that this creature gets everything, and I nothing! + +I am twenty, and up to the week before last, when Mrs. Carruthers got ill +and died in one day, I had had a fairly decent time at odd moments when +she was in a good temper. + +There is no use pretending even when people are dead, if one is writing +down one's real thoughts. I detested Mrs. Carruthers most of the time. A +person whom it was impossible to please. She had no idea of justice, or of +anything but her own comfort, and what amount of pleasure other people +could contribute to her day. + +How she came to do anything for me at all was because she had been in love +with papa, and when he married poor mamma--a person of no family--and then +died, she offered to take me, and bring me up, just to spite mamma, she +has often told me. As I was only four I had no say in the matter, and if +mamma liked to give me up that was her affair. Mamma's father was a lord, +and her mother I don't know who, and they had not worried to get married, +so that is how it is poor mamma came to have no relations. After papa was +dead, she married an Indian officer and went off to India, and died, too, +and I never saw her any more--so there it is; there is not a soul in the +world who matters to me, or I to them, so I can't help being an +adventuress, and thinking only of myself, can I? + +Mrs. Carruthers periodically quarrelled with all the neighbors, so beyond +frigid calls now and then in a friendly interval, we never saw them much. +Several old, worldly ladies used to come and stay, but I liked none of +them, and I have no young friends. When it is getting dark, and I am up +here alone, I often wonder what it would be like if I had--but I believe I +am the kind of cat that would not have got on with them too nicely--so +perhaps it is just as well. Only, to have had a pretty--aunt, say--to love +one--that might have been nice. + +Mrs. Carruthers had no feelings like this; "stuff and nonsense," +"sentimental rubbish," she would have called them. To get a suitable +husband is what she brought me up for, she said, and for the last years +had arranged that I should marry her detested heir, Christopher +Carruthers, as I should have the money and he the place. + +He is a diplomat, and lives in Paris, and Russia, and amusing places like +that, so he does not often come to England. I have never seen him. He is +quite old--over thirty--and has hair turning gray. + +Now he is master here, and I must leave--unless he proposes to marry me at +our meeting this afternoon, which he probably won't do. + +However, there can be no harm in my making myself look as attractive as +possible under the circumstances. As I am to be an adventuress, I must do +the best I can for myself. Nice feelings are for people who have money to +live as they please. If I had ten thousand a year, or even five, I would +snap my fingers at all men, and say, "No, I make my life as I choose, and +shall cultivate knowledge and books, and indulge in beautiful ideas of +honor and exalted sentiments, and perhaps one day succumb to a noble +passion." (What grand words the thought, even, is making me write!) But as +it is, if Mr. Carruthers asks me to marry him, as he has been told to do +by his aunt, I shall certainly say yes, and so stay on here, and have a +comfortable home. Until I have had this interview it is hardly worth while +packing anything. + +What a mercy black suits me! My skin is ridiculously white. I shall stick +a bunch of violets in my frock--that could not look heartless, I suppose. +But if he asks me if I am sad about Mrs. Carruthers's death, I shall not +be able to tell a lie. + +I am sad, of course, because death is a terrible thing, and to die like +that, saying spiteful things to every one, must be horrid--but I can't, I +can't regret her. Not a day ever passed that she did not sting some part +of me; when I was little, it was not only with her tongue--she used to +pinch me, and box my ears until Dr. Garrison said it might make me deaf, +and then she stopped, because she said deaf people were a bore, and she +could not put up with them. + +I shall not go on looking back. There are numbers of things that even now +make me raging to remember. + +I have only been out for a year. Mrs. Carruthers got an attack of +bronchitis when I was eighteen, just as we were going up to town for the +season, and said she did not feel well enough for the fatigues, and off we +went to Switzerland. And in the autumn we travelled all over the place, +and in the winter she coughed and groaned, and the next season would not +go up until the last court, so I have only had a month of London. The +bronchitis got perfectly well--it was heart-failure that killed her, +brought on by an attack of temper because Thomas broke the Carruthers +vase. I shall not write of her death, or the finding of the will, or the +surprise that I was left nothing but a thousand pounds and a diamond ring. + +Now that I am an adventuress, instead of an heiress, of what good to +chronicle all that! Sufficient to say if Mr. Carruthers does not obey his +orders and offer me his hand this afternoon, I shall have to pack my +trunks and depart by Saturday, but where to is yet in the lap of the gods. + +He is coming by the 3.20 train, and will be in the house before four, an +ugly, dull time; one can't offer him tea, and it will be altogether +trying and exciting. + +He is coming ostensibly to take over his place, I suppose, but in reality +it is to look at me, and see if in any way he will be able to persuade +himself to carry out his aunt's wishes. I wonder what it will be like to +be married to some one you don't know and don't like? I am not greatly +acquainted yet with the ways of men. We have not had any that you could +call that here, much--only a lot of old wicked sort of things, in the +autumn, to shoot the pheasants, and play bridge with Mrs. Carruthers. The +marvel to me was how they ever killed anything, such antiques they were! +Some politicians and ambassadors, and creatures of that sort; and mostly +as wicked as could be. They used to come trotting down the passage to the +school-room, and have tea with mademoiselle and me on the slightest +provocation, and say such things! I am sure lots of what they said meant +something else, mademoiselle used to giggle so. She was rather a +good-looking one I had the last four years, but I hated her. There was +never any one young and human who counted. + +I did look forward to coming out in London, but being so late, every one +was preoccupied when we got there, and no one got in love with me much. +Indeed, we went out very little; a part of the time I had a swollen nose +from a tennis-ball at Ranelagh, and people don't look at girls with +swollen noses. + +I wonder where I shall go and live! Perhaps in Paris--unless, of course, I +marry Mr. Carruthers. I don't suppose it is dull being married. In London +all the married ones seemed to have a lovely time, and had not to bother +with their husbands much. + +Mrs. Carruthers always assured me love was a thing of absolutely no +consequence in marriage. You were bound to love some one some time, but +the very fact of being chained to him would dispel the feeling. It was a +thing to be looked upon like measles, or any other disease, and was better +to get it over and then turn to the solid affairs of life. But how she +expected me to get it over when she never arranged for me to see any one, +I don't know. + +I asked her one day what I should do if I got to like some one after I am +married to Mr. Carruthers, and she laughed one of her horrid laughs, and +said I should probably do as the rest of the world. And what do they do, I +wonder? Well, I suppose I shall find out some day. + +Of course there is the possibility that Christopher (do I like the name of +Christopher, I wonder?)--well, that Christopher may not want to follow her +will. + +He has known about it for years, I suppose, just as I have, but I believe +men are queer creatures, and he may take a dislike to me. I am not a type +that would please every one. My hair is too red--brilliant, dark, fiery +red, like a chestnut when it tumbles out of its shell, only burnished like +metal. If I had the usual white eyelashes I should be downright ugly, but, +thank goodness! by some freak of nature mine are black and thick, and +stick out when you look at me sideways, and I often think when I catch +sight of myself in the glass that I am really very pretty--all put +together--but, as I said before, not a type to please every one. + +A combination I am that Mrs. Carruthers assured me would cause anxieties. +"With that mixture, Evangeline," she often said, "you would do well to +settle yourself in life as soon as possible. Good girls don't have your +coloring." So you see, as I am branded as bad from the beginning, it does +not much matter what I do. My eyes are as green as pale emeralds, and +long, and not going down at the corners with the Madonna expression of +Cicely Parker, the vicar's daughter. I do not know yet what is being good, +or being bad; perhaps I shall find out when I am an adventuress, or +married to Mr. Carruthers. + +All I know is that I want to _live_, and feel the blood rushing through my +veins. I want to do as I please, and not have to be polite when I am +burning with rage. I want to be late in the morning if I happen to fancy +sleeping, and I want to sit up at night if I don't want to go to bed! So, +as you can do what you like when you are married, I really hope Mr. +Carruthers will take a fancy to me, and then all will be well! I shall +stay up-stairs until I hear the carriage wheels, and leave Mr. Barton--the +lawyer--to receive him. Then I shall saunter down nonchalantly while they +are in the hall. It will be an effective entrance. My trailing black +garments, and the great broad stairs--this is a splendid house--and if he +has an eye in his head he must see my foot on each step! Even Mrs. +Carruthers said I have the best foot she had ever seen. I am getting quite +excited--I shall ring for Véronique and begin to dress!... I shall write +more presently. + + + _Thursday evening._ + + +It is evening, and the fire is burning brightly in my sitting-room, where +I am writing. _My_ sitting-room!--did I say? Mr. Carruthers's +sitting-room, I meant--for it is mine no longer, and on Saturday, the day +after to-morrow, I shall have to bid good-bye to it forever. + +For--yes, I may as well say it at once--the affair did not walk; Mr. +Carruthers quietly, but firmly, refused to obey his aunt's will, and thus +I am left an old maid! + +I must go back to this afternoon to make it clear, and I must say my ears +tingle as I think of it. + +I rang for Véronique, and put on my new black afternoon frock, which had +just been unpacked. I tucked in the violets in a careless way, saw that my +hair was curling as vigorously as usual, and not too rebelliously for a +demure appearance, and so, at exactly the right moment, began to descend +the stairs. + +There was Mr. Carruthers in the hall. A horribly nice-looking, tall man, +with a clean-shaven face and features cut out of stone, a square chin, and +a nasty twinkle in the corner of his eye. He has a very distinguished +look, and that air of never having had to worry for his things to fit; +they appear as if they had grown on him. He has a cold, reserved manner, +and something commanding and arrogant in it that makes one want to +contradict him at once; but his voice is charming--one of that cultivated, +refined kind, which sounds as if he spoke a number of languages, and so +does not slur his words. I believe this is diplomatic, for some of the old +ambassador people had this sort of voice. + +He was standing with his back to the fire, and the light of the big window +with the sun getting low was full on his face, so I had a good look at +him. I said in the beginning that there was no use pretending when one is +writing one's own thoughts for one's own self to read when one is old, and +keeping them in a locked-up journal, so I shall always tell the truth +here--quite different things to what I should say if I were talking to +some one and describing to them this scene. Then I should say I found him +utterly unattractive, and, in fact, I hardly noticed him! As it was, I +noticed him very much, and I have a tiresome inward conviction that he +could be very attractive indeed, if he liked. + +He looked up, and I came forward with my best demure air as Mr. Barton +nervously introduced us, and we shook hands. I left him to speak first. + +"Abominably cold day," he said, carelessly. That was English and +promising! + +"Yes, indeed," I said. "You have just arrived?" + +And so we continued in this _banal_ way, with Mr. Barton twirling his +thumbs, and hoping, one could see, that we should soon come to the +business of the day; interposing a remark here and there which added to +the _gêne_ of the situation. + +At last Mr. Carruthers said to Mr. Barton that he would go round and see +the house, and I said tea would be ready when they got back. And so they +started. + +My cheeks would burn, and my hands were so cold, it was awkward and +annoying--not half the simple affair I had thought it would be up-stairs. + +When it was quite dark and the lamps were brought, they came back to the +hall, and Mr. Barton, saying he did not want any tea, left us to find +papers in the library. + +I gave Mr. Carruthers some tea, and asked the usual things about sugar and +cream. His eye had almost a look of contempt as he glanced at me, and I +felt an angry throb in my throat. When he had finished he got up and stood +before the fire again. Then, deliberately, as a man who has determined to +do his duty at any cost, he began to speak. + +"You know the wish, or, rather, I should say, the command, my aunt left +me," he said. "In fact, she states that she had always brought you up to +the idea. It is rather a tiresome thing to discuss with a stranger, but +perhaps we had better get it over as soon as possible, as that is what I +came down here to-day for. The command was I should marry you." He paused +a moment. I remained perfectly still, with my hands idly clasped in my +lap, and made myself keep my eyes on his face. + +He continued, finding I did not answer, just a faint tone of resentment +creeping into his voice--because I would not help him out, I suppose. I +should think not! I loved annoying him! + +"It is a preposterous idea in these days for any one to dispose of +people's destinies in this way, and I am sure you will agree with me that +such a marriage would be impossible." + +"Of course I agree," I replied, lying with a tone of careless sincerity. I +had to control all my real feelings of either anger or pleasure for so +long in Mrs. Carruthers's presence that I am now an adept. + +"I am so glad you put it so plainly," I went on, sweetly. "I was wondering +how I should write it to you, but now you are here it is quite easy for +us to finish the matter at once. Whatever Mrs. Carruthers may have +intended me to do, I had no intention of obeying her; but it would have +been useless for me to say so to her, and so I waited until the time for +speech should come. Won't you have some more tea?" + +He looked at me very straightly, almost angrily, for an instant; +presently, with a sigh of relief, he said, half laughing: + +"Then we are agreed; we need say no more about it!" + +"No more," I answered; and I smiled, too, although a rage of anger was +clutching my throat. I do not know who I was angry with--Mrs. Carruthers +for procuring this situation, Christopher for being insensible to my +charms, or myself for ever having contemplated for a second the +possibility of his doing otherwise. Why, when one thinks of it calmly, +should he want to marry me, a penniless adventuress with green eyes and +red hair that he had never seen before in his life? I hoped he thought I +was a person of naturally high color, because my cheeks from the moment I +began to dress had been burning and burning. It might have given him the +idea the scene was causing me some emotion, and that he should never know! + +He took some more tea, but he did not drink it, and by this I guessed +that he also was not as calm as he looked! + +"There is something else," he said--and now there was almost an +awkwardness in his voice--"something else which I want to say, though +perhaps Mr. Barton could say it for me, but which I would rather say +straight to you, and that is, you must let me settle such a sum of money +on you as you had every right to expect from my aunt, after the promises I +understand she always made to you----" + +This time I did not wait for him to finish. I bounded up from my seat, +some uncontrollable sensation of wounded pride throbbing and thrilling +through me. + +"Money! Money from you!" I exclaimed. "Not if I were starving." Then I sat +down again, ashamed of this vehemence. How would he interpret it! But it +galled me so--and yet I had been ready an hour ago to have accepted him as +my husband! Why, then, this revolt at the idea of receiving a fair +substitute in gold? Really, one is a goose, and I had time to realize, +even in this tumult of emotion, that there can be nothing so inconsistent +as the feelings of a girl. + +"You must not be foolish!" he said, coldly. "I intend to settle the money +whether you will or no, so do not make any further trouble about it!" + +There was something in his voice so commanding and arrogant, just as I +noticed at first, that every obstinate quality in my nature rose to answer +him. + +"I do not know anything about the law in the matter; you may settle what +you choose, but I shall never touch any of it," I said, as calmly as I +could. "So it seems ridiculous to waste the money, does it not? You may +not, perhaps, be aware I have enough of my own, and do not in any way +require yours." + +He became colder and more exasperated. + +"As you please, then," he said, snappishly, and Mr. Barton fortunately +entering at that moment, the conversation was cut short, and I left them. + +They are not going back to London until to-morrow morning, and dinner has +yet to be got through. Oh, I do feel in a temper! and I can never tell of +the emotions that were throbbing through me as I came up the great stairs +just now. A sudden awakening to the humiliation of the situation! How had +I ever been able to contemplate marrying a man I did not know, just to +secure myself a comfortable home! It seems preposterous now. I suppose it +was because I have always been brought up to the idea, and, until I came +face to face with the man, it did not strike me as odd. Fortunately he can +never guess that I had been willing to accept him; my dissimulation has +stood me in good stead. Now I am animated by only one idea--to appear as +agreeable and charming to Mr. Carruthers as possible. The aim and object +of my life shall be to make him regret his decision. When I hear him +imploring me to marry him, I shall regain a little of my self-respect! And +as for marriage, I shall have nothing to do with the horrid affair! Oh, +dear, no! I shall go away free and be a happy adventuress. I have read the +_Trois Mousquetaires_ and _Vingt Ans Après_--mademoiselle had them--and I +remember milady had only three days to get round her jailer, starting with +his hating her; whereas Mr. Carruthers does not hate me, so that counts +against my only having one evening. I shall do my best! + + + _Thursday night._ + + +I was down in the library, innocently reading a book, when Mr. Carruthers +came in. He looked even better in evening dress, but he appeared +ill-tempered, and no doubt found the situation unpleasant. + +"Is not this a beautiful house?" I said, in a velvet voice, to break the +awkward silence, and show him I did not share his unease. "You had not +seen it before, for ages, had you?" + +"Not since I was a boy," he answered, trying to be polite. "My aunt +quarrelled with my father--she was the direct heiress of all this--and +married her cousin, my father's younger brother--but you know the family +history, of course----" + +"Yes." + +"They hated each other, she and my father." + +"Mrs. Carruthers hated all her relations," I said, demurely. + +"Myself among them?" + +"Yes," I said, slowly, and bent forward so that the lamplight should fall +upon my hair. "She said you were too much like herself in character for +you ever to be friends." + +"Is that a compliment?" he asked, and there was a twinkle in his eye. + +"We must speak no ill of the dead," I said, evasively. + +He looked slightly annoyed--as much as these diplomats ever let themselves +look anything. + +"You are right," he said. "Let her rest in peace." + +There was silence for a moment. + +"What are you going to do with your life now?" he asked, presently. It was +a bald question. + +"I shall become an adventuress," I answered, deliberately. + +"A _what_?" he exclaimed, his black eyebrows contracting. + +"An adventuress. Is not that what it is called? A person who sees life, +and has to do the best she can for herself." + +He laughed. "You strange little lady!" he said, his irritation with me +melting. And when he laughs you can see how even his teeth are; but the +two side ones are sharp and pointed, like a wolf's. + +"Perhaps, after all, you had better have married me!" + +"No, that would clip my wings," I said, frankly, looking at him straight +in the face. + +"Mr. Barton tells me you propose leaving here on Saturday. I beg you will +not do so. Please consider it your home for so long as you wish--until +you can make some arrangements for yourself. You look so very young to be +going about the world alone!" + +He bent down and gazed at me closer--there was an odd tone in his voice. + +"I am twenty, and I have been often snubbed," I said, calmly. "That +prepares one for a good deal. I shall enjoy doing what I please." + +"And what are you going to please?" + +"I shall go to Claridge's until I can look about me." + +He moved uneasily. + +"But have you no relations--no one who will take care of you?" + +"I believe none. My mother was nobody particular, you know--a Miss Tonkins +by name." + +"But your father?" He sat down now on the sofa beside me; there was a +puzzled, amused look in his face; perhaps I was amazing him. + +"Papa? Oh, papa was the last of his family. They were decent people, but +there are no more of them." + +He pushed one of the cushions aside. + +"It is an impossible position for a girl--completely alone. I cannot allow +it. I feel responsible for you. After all, it would do very well if you +married me. I am not particularly domestic by nature, and should be very +little at home, so you could live here and have a certain position, and I +would come back now and then and see you were getting on all right." + +One could not say if he was mocking or no. + +"It is too good of you," I said, without any irony. "But I like freedom, +and when you were at home it might be such a bore----" + +He leaned back and laughed merrily. + +"You are candid, at any rate!" he said. + +Mr. Barton came into the room at that moment, full of apologies at being +late. Immediately after, with the usual ceremony, the butler entered and +pompously announced, "Dinner is served, sir." How quickly they recognize +the new master! + +Mr. Carruthers gave me his arm, and we walked slowly down the +picture-gallery to the banqueting-hall, and there sat down at the small, +round table in the middle, that always looks like an island in a lake. + +I talked nicely at dinner. I was dignified and grave, and quite frank. Mr. +Carruthers was not bored. The chef had outdone himself, hoping to be kept +on. I never felt so excited in my life. + +I was apparently asleep under a big lamp, after dinner, in the library, a +book of silly poetry in my lap, when the door opened and he--Mr. +Carruthers--came in alone, and walked up the room. I did not open my +eyes. He looked for just a minute--how accurate I am! Then he said, "You +are very pretty when asleep!" + +His voice was not caressing or complimentary--merely as if the fact had +forced this utterance. + +I allowed myself to wake without a start. + +"Was the '47 port as good as you hoped?" I asked, sympathetically. + +He sat down. I had arranged my chair so that there was none other in its +immediate neighborhood. Thus he was some way off, and could realize my +whole silhouette. + +"The '47 port? Oh yes; but I am not going to talk of port. I want you to +tell me a lot more about yourself, and your plans----" + +"I have no plans--except to see the world." + +He picked up a book and put it down again; he was not perfectly calm. + +"I don't think I shall let you. I am more than ever convinced you ought to +have some one to take care of you--you are not of the type that makes it +altogether safe to roam about alone." + +"Oh! as for my type," I said, languidly, "I know all about that. Mrs. +Carruthers said no one with this combination of color could be good, so I +am not going to try. It will be quite simple." + +He rose quickly from his chair and stood in front of the great log fire, +such a comical expression on his face. + +"You are the quaintest child I have ever met," he said. + +"I am not a child, and I mean to know everything I can." + +He went over towards the sofa again and arranged the cushions--great, +splendid, fat pillows of old Italian brocade, stiff with gold and silver. + +"Come!" he pleaded. "Sit here beside me, and let us talk; you are miles +away there, and I want to--make you see reason." + +I rose at once and came slowly to where he pointed. I settled myself +deliberately. There was one cushion of purple and silver right under the +light, and there I rested my head. + +"Now talk!" I said, and half closed my eyes. + +Oh, I was enjoying myself! The first time I have ever been alone with a +real man! They--the old ambassadors and politicians and generals--used +always to tell me I should grow into an attractive woman--now I meant to +try what I could do. + +Mr. Carruthers remained silent, but he sat down beside me, and looked and +looked right into my eyes. + +"Now talk, then," I said again. + +"Do you know, you are a very disturbing person," he said, at last, by way +of a beginning. + +"What is that?" I asked. + +"It is a woman who confuses one's thoughts when one looks at her. I do not +now seem to have anything to say, or too much----" + +"You called me a child." + +"I should have called you an enigma." + +I assured him I was not the least complex, and that I only wanted +everything simple, and to be left in peace, without having to get married +or worry to obey people. + +We had a nice talk. + +"You won't leave here on Saturday," he said, presently, apropos of +nothing. "I do not think I shall go myself to-morrow. I want you to show +me all over the gardens, and your favorite haunts." + +"To-morrow I shall be busy packing," I said, gravely, "and I do not think +I want to show you the gardens; there are some corners I rather loved; I +believe it will hurt a little to say good-bye." + +Just then Mr. Barton came into the room, fussy and ill at ease. Mr. +Carruthers's face hardened again, and I rose to say good-night. + +As he opened the door for me--"Promise you will come down to give me my +coffee in the morning," he said. + +"Qui vivra verra," I answered, and sauntered out into the hall. He +followed me, and watched as I went up the staircase. + +"Good-night!" I called, softly, as I got to the top, and laughed a +little--I don't know why. + +He bounded up the stairs, three steps at a time, and before I could turn +the handle of my door he stood beside me. + +"I do not know what there is about you," he said, "but you drive me mad. I +shall insist upon carrying out my aunt's wish, after all! I shall marry +you, and never let you out of my sight--do you hear?" + +Oh, such a strange sense of exaltation crept over me--it is with me still! +Of course, he probably will not mean all that to-morrow, but to have made +such a stiff block of stone rush up-stairs and say this much now is +perfectly delightful! + +I looked at him up from under my eyelashes. "No, you will not marry me," I +said, calmly, "or do anything else I don't like; and now, really, +good-night," and I slipped into my room and closed the door. I could hear +he did not stir for some seconds. Then he went off down the stairs again, +and I am alone with my thoughts! + +My thoughts! I wonder what they mean! What did I do that had this effect +upon him? I intended to do something, and I did it, but I am not quite +sure what it was. However, that is of no consequence. Sufficient for me to +know that my self-respect is restored and I can now go out and see the +world with a clear conscience. + +_He_ has asked me to marry him--and _I_ have said I won't! + + + + + BRANCHES PARK,[1] + + Thursday night, _November 3._ + + + DEAR BOB,-- + + A quaint thing has happened to me! Came down here to take over the + place, and to say decidedly I would not marry Miss Travers, and I + find her with red hair and a skin like milk, and a pair of green + eyes that look at you from a forest of black eyelashes with a + thousand unsaid challenges. I should not wonder if I commit some + folly. One has read of women like this in the _cinque-cento_ time in + Italy, but up to now I had never met one. She is not in the room ten + minutes before one feels a sense of unrest, and desire for one + hardly knows what--principally to touch her, I fancy. Good Lord! + what a skin! pure milk and rare roses--and the reddest Cupid's bow + of a mouth! You had better come down at once (these things are + probably in your line) to save me from some sheer idiocy. The + situation is exceptional--she and I practically alone in the house, + for old Barton does not count. She had nowhere to go, and as far as + I can make out has not a friend in the world. I suppose I ought to + leave. I will try to on Monday; but come down to-morrow by the 4.00 + train. + + Yours, + + CHRISTOPHER. + + P. S.--'47 port A1, and two or three brands of the old aunt's + champagne exceptional, Barton says--we can sample them. Shall send + this up by express; you will get it in time for the 4.00 train. + + +[Footnote 1: A letter from Mr. Carruthers which came into Evangeline's +possession later, and which she put into her journal at this +place.--EDITOR'S NOTE.] + + + + + BRANCHES, + + Friday night, _November 4th._ + + +This morning Mr. Carruthers had his coffee alone. Mr. Barton and I +breakfasted quite early, before nine o'clock, and just as I was calling +the dogs in the hall for a run, with my out-door things already on, Mr. +Carruthers came down the great stairs with a frown on his face. + +"Up so early!" he said. "Are you not going to pour out my tea for me, +then?" + +"I thought you said coffee! No, I am going out," and I went on down the +corridor, the wolf-hounds following me. + +"You are not a kind hostess!" he called after me. + +"I am not a hostess at all," I answered back--"only a guest." + +He followed me. "Then you are a very casual guest, not consulting the +pleasure of your host." + +I said nothing. I only looked at him over my shoulder as I went down the +marble steps--looked at him and laughed, as on the night before. + +He turned back into the house without a word, and I did not see him again +until just before luncheon. + +There is something unpleasant about saying good-bye to a place, and I +found I had all sorts of sensations rising in my throat at various points +in my walk. However, all that is ridiculous and must be forgotten. As I +was coming round the corner of the terrace, a great gust of wind nearly +blew me into Mr. Carruthers's arms. Odious weather we are having this +autumn! + +"Where have you been all the morning?" he said, when we had recovered +ourselves a little. "I have searched for you all over the place." + +"You do not know it all yet, or you would have found me," I said, +pretending to walk on. + +"No, you shall not go now!" he exclaimed, pacing beside me. "Why won't you +be amiable, and make me feel at home?" + +"I do apologize if I have been unamiable," I said, with great frankness. +"Mrs. Carruthers always brought me up to have such good manners." + +After that he talked to me for half an hour about the place. + +He seemed to have forgotten his vehemence of the night before. He asked +all sorts of questions, and showed a sentiment and a delicacy I should not +have expected from his hard face. I was quite sorry when the gong sounded +for luncheon and we went in. + +I have no settled plan in my head. I seem to be drifting--tasting for the +first time some power over another human being. It gave me delicious +thrills to see his eagerness when contrasted with the dry refusal of my +hand only the day before. + +At lunch I addressed myself to Mr. Barton; he was too flattered at my +attention, and continued to chatter garrulously. + +The rain came on and poured and beat against the window-panes with a +sudden, angry thud. No chance of further walks abroad. I escaped up-stairs +while the butler was speaking to Mr. Carruthers, and began helping +Véronique to pack. Chaos and desolation it all seemed in my cosey rooms. + +While I was on my knees in front of a great wooden box, hopelessly trying +to stow away books, a crisp tap came to the door, and without more ado my +host--yes, he is that now--entered the room. + +"Good Lord! what is all this?" he exclaimed. "What are you doing?" + +"Packing," I said, not getting up. + +He made an impatient gesture. + +"Nonsense!" he said. "There is no need to pack. I tell you I will not let +you go. I am going to marry you and keep you here always." + +I sat down on the floor and began to laugh. + +"You think so, do you?" + +"Yes." + +"You can't force me to marry you, you know--can you? I want to see the +world. I don't want any tiresome man bothering after me. If I ever do +marry, it will be because--oh, because--" and I stopped and began fiddling +with the cover of a book. + +"What?" + +"Mrs. Carruthers said it was so foolish--but I believe I should prefer to +marry some one I liked. Oh, I know you think that silly--" and I stopped +him as he was about to speak--"but of course, as it does not last, anyway, +it might be good for a little to begin like that--don't you think so?" + +He looked round the room, and on through the wide-open double doors into +my dainty bedroom, where Véronique was still packing. + +"You are very cosey here; it is absurd of you to leave it," he said. + +I got up off the floor and went to the window and back. I don't know why I +felt moved--a sudden sense of the cosiness came over me. The world looked +wet and bleak outside. + +"Why do you say you want me to marry you, Mr. Carruthers?" I said. "You +are joking, of course." + +"I am not joking. I am perfectly serious. I am ready to carry out my +aunt's wishes. It can be no new idea to you, and you must have worldly +sense enough to realize it would be the best possible solution of your +future. I can show you the world, you know." + +He appeared to be extraordinarily good-looking as he stood there, his face +to the dying light. Supposing I took him at his word, after all! + +"But what has suddenly changed your ideas since yesterday? You told me you +had come down to make it clear to me that you could not possibly obey her +orders." + +"That was yesterday," he said. "I had not really seen you--to-day I think +differently." + +"It is just because you are sorry for me; I suppose I seem so lonely," I +whispered, demurely. + +"It is perfectly impossible, what you propose to do--to go and live by +yourself at a London hotel--the idea drives me mad." + +"It will be delightful--no one to order me about from day to night!" + +"Listen," he said, and he flung himself into an arm-chair. "You can marry +me, and I will take you to Paris, or where you want, and I won't order you +about--only I shall keep the other beasts of men from looking at you." + +But I told him at once that I thought that would be very dull. "I have +never had the chance of any one looking at me," I said, "and I want to +feel what it is like. Mrs. Carruthers always assured me I was very pretty, +you know, only she said that I was certain to come to a bad end, because +of my type, unless I got married at once, and then if my head was screwed +on it would not matter; but I don't agree with her." + +He walked up and down the room impatiently. + +"That is just it," he said. "I would rather be the first--I would rather +you began by me. I am strong enough to ward off the rest." + +"What does 'beginning by you' mean?" I asked, with great candor. "Old Lord +Bentworth said I should begin with him, when he was here to shoot +pheasants last autumn; he said it could not matter, he was so old; but I +didn't----" + +Mr. Carruthers bounded up from his chair. + +"You didn't what! Good Lord! what did he want you to do?" he asked, +aghast. + +"Well," I said, and I looked down for a moment; I felt stupidly shy. "He +wanted me to kiss him." + +Mr. Carruthers looked almost relieved. It was strange. + +"The old wretch! Nice company my aunt seems to have kept!" he exclaimed. +"Could she not take better care of you than that--to let you be insulted +by her guests?" + +"I don't think Lord Bentworth meant to insult me. He only said he had +never seen such a red, curly mouth as mine; and as I was bound to go to +the devil some day with that, and such hair, I might begin by kissing +him--he explained it all." + +"And were you not very angry?" his voice wrathful. + +"No, not very; I could not be, I was shaking so with laughter. If you +could have seen the silly old thing, like a wizened monkey, with dyed hair +and an eye-glass--it was too comic! I only told you because you said the +sentence 'begin with you,' and I wanted to know if it was the same +thing----" + +Mr. Carruthers's eyes had such a strange expression--puzzle and amusement, +and something else. He came over close to me. + +"Because," I went on, "if so--I believe if that is always the beginning, I +don't want any beginnings. I haven't the slightest desire to kiss any one. +I should simply hate it." + +Mr. Carruthers laughed. "Oh, you are only a baby child, after all!" he +said. + +This annoyed me. I got up with great dignity. "Tea will be ready in the +white drawing-room," I said, stiffly, and walked towards my bedroom door. + +He came after me. + +"Send your maid away, and let us have it up here," he said. "I like this +room." + +But I was not to be appeased thus easily, and deliberately called +Véronique and gave her fresh directions. + +"Poor old Mr. Barton will be feeling so lonely," I said, as I went out +into the passage. "I am going to see that he has a nice tea," and I looked +back at Mr. Carruthers over my shoulder. Of course, he followed me, and we +went together down the stairs. + +In the hall a footman with a telegram met us. He tore it open impatiently. +Then he looked quite annoyed. + +"I hope you won't mind," he said, "but a friend of mine, Lord Robert +Vavasour, is arriving this afternoon. He is a--er--great judge of +pictures. I forgot I asked him to come down and look at them; it clean +went out of my head." + +I told him he was host, and why should I object to what guests he had. + +"Besides, I am going myself to-morrow," I said, "if Véronique can get the +packing done." + +"Nonsense! How can I make you understand that I do not mean to let you go +at all?" + +I did not answer--only looked at him defiantly. + +Mr. Barton was waiting patiently for us in the white drawing-room, and we +had not been munching muffins for five minutes when the sound of wheels +crunching the gravel of the great sweep--the windows of this room look out +that way--interrupted our made conversation. + +"This must be Bob arriving," Mr. Carruthers said, and went reluctantly +into the hall to meet his guest. + +They came back together presently, and he introduced Lord Robert to me. + +I felt at once he was rather a pet. Such a shape! Just like the Apollo +Belvedere! I do love that look, with a tiny waist and nice shoulders, and +looking as if he were as lithe as a snake, and yet could break pokers in +half like Mr. Rochester in _Jane Eyre_. + +He has great, big, sleepy eyes of blue, and rather a plaintive expression, +and a little fairish mustache turned up at the corners, and the nicest +mouth one ever saw; and when you see him moving, and the back of his head, +it makes you think all the time of a beautifully groomed thorough-bred +horse. I don't know why. At once--in a minute--when we looked at each +other, I felt I should like "Bob." He has none of Mr. Carruthers's +cynical, hard expression, and I am sure he can't be nearly as old--not +more than twenty-seven or so. + +He seemed perfectly at home--sat down and had tea, and talked in the most +casual, friendly way. Mr. Carruthers appeared to freeze up, Mr. Barton got +more _banal_, and the whole thing entertained me immensely. + +I often used to long for adventures in the old days with Mrs. Carruthers, +and here I am really having them! + +Such a situation! I am sure people would think it most improper! I alone +in the house with these three men! I felt I really would have to go--but +where? + +Meanwhile I have every intention of amusing myself. + +Lord Robert and I seemed to have a hundred things to say to each other. I +do like his voice--and he is so perfectly _sans gêne_ it makes no +difficulties. By the end of tea we were as old friends. Mr. Carruthers got +more and more polite and stiff, and finally jumped up and hurried his +guest off to the smoking-room. + +I put on such a duck of a frock for dinner--one of the sweetest, +chastened simplicity, in black, showing peeps of skin through the thin +part at the top. Nothing could be more demure or becoming, and my hair +would not behave, and stuck out in rebellious waves and curls everywhere. + +I thought it would be advisable not to be in too good time, so sauntered +down after I knew dinner was announced. + +They were both standing on the hearth-rug. I always forget to count Mr. +Barton; he was in some chair, I suppose, but I did not notice him. + +Mr. Carruthers is the taller--about one inch. He must be a good deal over +six feet, because the other one is very tall, too; but now that one saw +them together, Mr. Carruthers's figure appeared stiff and set besides Lord +Robert's, and he hasn't got nearly such a little waist. But they really +are lovely creatures, both of them, and I don't yet know which I like +best. + +We had such an engaging time at dinner! I was as provoking as I could be +in the time, sympathetically, absorbingly interested in Mr. Barton's long +stories, and only looking at the other two now and then from under my +eyelashes; while I talked in the best demure fashion that I am sure even +Lady Katherine Montgomerie--a neighbor of ours--would have approved of. + +They should not be able to say I could not chaperone myself in any +situation. + +"Dam good port this, Christopher," Lord Robert said, when the '47 was +handed round. "Is this what you asked me down to sample?" + +"I thought it was to give your opinion about the pictures?" I exclaimed, +surprised. "Mr. Carruthers said you were a great judge." + +They looked at each other. + +"Oh--ah--yes," said Lord Robert, lying transparently. "Pictures are +awfully interesting. Will you show me them after dinner?" + +"The light is too dim for a connoisseur to investigate them properly," I +said. + +"I shall have it all lit by electricity as soon as possible; I wrote about +it to-day," Mr. Carruthers announced, sententiously. "But I will show you +the pictures myself, to-morrow, Bob." + +This at once decided me to take Lord Robert round to-night, and I told him +so in a velvet voice while Mr. Barton was engaging Christopher's +attention. + +They stayed such a long time in the dining-room after I left that I was on +my way to bed when they came out into the hall, and could with difficulty +be persuaded to remain--for a few moments. + +"I am too awfully sorry," Lord Robert said. "I could not get away. I do +not know what possessed Christopher; he would sample ports, and talked the +hind-leg off a donkey, till at last I said to him straight out I wanted to +come to you. So here I am. Now you won't go to bed, will you?--please, +please." + +He has such pleading blue eyes, imploring pathetically, like a baby in +distress, it is quite impossible to resist him--and we started down the +gallery. + +Of course, he did not know the difference between a Canaletto and a +Turner, and hardly made a pretence of being interested; in fact, when we +got to the end where the early Italians hang, and I was explaining the +wonderful texture of a Madonna, he said: + +"They all look sea-sick and out of shape. Don't you think we might sit in +that comfy window-seat and talk of something else?" Then he told me he +loved pictures, but not this sort. + +"I like people to look human, you know, even on canvas," he said. "All +these ladies appear as if they were getting enteric, like people used in +Africa; and I don't like their halos and things; and all the men are old +and bald. But you must not think me a Goth. You will teach me their +points, won't you?--and then I shall love them." + +I said I did not care a great deal for them myself, except the color. + +"Oh, I am so glad!" he said. "I should like to find we admired the same +things; but no picture could interest me as much as your hair. It is the +loveliest thing I have ever seen, and you do it so beautifully." + +That did please me. He has the most engaging ways--Lord Robert--and he is +very well informed, not stupid a bit, or thick, only absolutely simple and +direct. We talked softly together, quite happy for a while. + +Then Mr. Carruthers got rid of Mr. Barton and came towards us. I settled +myself more comfortably on the velvet cushions. Purple velvet cushions and +curtains in this gallery, good old relics of early Victorian taste. Lots +of the house is awful, but these curtains always please me. + +Mr. Carruthers's face was as stern as a stone bust of Augustus Cæsar. I am +sure the monks in the Inquisition looked like that. I do wonder what he +was going to say, but Lord Robert did not give him time. + +"Do go away, Christopher," he said. "Miss Travers is going to teach me +things about Italian Madonnas, and I can't keep my attention if there is a +third person about." + +I suppose if Mr. Carruthers had not been a diplomat he would have sworn, +but I believe that kind of education makes you able to put your face how +you like, so he smiled sweetly and took a chair near. + +"I shall not leave you, Bob," he said. "I do not consider you are a good +companion for Miss Evangeline. I am responsible for her, and I am going to +take care of her." + +"Then you should not have asked him here if he is not a respectable +person," I said, innocently. "But Italian Madonnas ought to chasten and +elevate his thoughts. Anyway, your responsibility towards me is +self-constituted. I am the only person whom I mean to obey," and I settled +myself deliberately in the velvet pillows. + +"Not a good companion!" exclaimed Lord Robert. "What dam cheek, +Christopher! I have not my equal in the whole Household Cavalry, as you +know." + +They both laughed, and we continued to talk in a sparring way--Mr. +Carruthers sharp and subtle, and fine as a sword-blade; Lord Robert +downright and simple, with an air of a puzzled baby. + +When I thought they were both wanting me very much to stay, I got up and +said good-night. + +They both came down the gallery with me, and insisted upon each lighting a +candle from the row of burnished silver candlesticks in the hall, which +they presented to me with great mock-homage. It annoyed me--I don't know +why--and I suddenly froze up and declined them both, while I said +good-night again stiffly, and walked in my most stately manner up the +stairs. + +I could see Lord Robert's eyebrows puckered into a more plaintive +expression than ever while he let the beautiful silver candlestick hang, +dropping the grease onto the polished oak floor. + +Mr. Carruthers stood quite still, and put his light back on the table. His +face was cynical and rather amused. I can't say what irritation I felt, +and immediately decided to leave on the morrow--but where to, fate or the +devil could only know. + +When I got to my room a lump came in my throat. Véronique had gone to bed, +tired out with her day's packing. + +I suddenly felt utterly alone--all the exaltation gone. For the moment I +hated the two down-stairs. I felt the situation equivocal and untenable, +and it had amused me so much an hour ago. + +It is stupid and silly, and makes one's nose red, but I felt like crying a +little before I got into bed. + + + + + BRANCHES, + + Saturday afternoon, _November 5th._ + + +This morning I woke with a headache, to see the rain beating against my +windows, and mist and fog--a fitting day for the 5th of November. I would +not go down to breakfast. Véronique brought me mine to my sitting-room +fire, and, with Spartan determination, I packed steadily all the morning. + +About twelve a note came up from Lord Robert. I put it in. + + + DEAR MISS TRAVERS,-- + + Why are you hiding? Was I a bore last night? Do forgive me + and come down. Has Christopher locked you in your room? + I will murder the brute if he has! + + Yours very sincerely, + + ROBERT VAVASOUR. + + +"Can't; I am packing," I scribbled in pencil on the envelope, and gave +it back to Charles, who was waiting in the hall for the answer. Two +minutes after, Lord Robert walked into the room, the door of which the +footman had left open. + +"I have come to help you," he said, in that voice of his that sounds so +sure of a welcome you can't snub him. "But where are you going?" + +"I don't know," I said, a little forlornly, and then bent down and +vigorously collected photographs. + +"Oh, but you can't go to London by yourself!" he said, aghast. "Look +here, I will come up with you, and take you to my aunt, Lady Merrenden. +She is such a dear, and I am sure when I have told her all about you she +will be delighted to take care of you for some days until you can hunt +round." + +He looked such a boy, and his face was so kind, I was touched. + +"Oh no, Lord Robert! I cannot do that, but I thank you. I don't want to +be under an obligation to any one," I said, firmly. "Mr. Carruthers +suggests a way out of the difficulty--that I should marry him, and stay +here. I don't think he means it, really, but he pretends he does." + +He sat down on the edge of a table already laden with books, most of +which overbalanced and fell crash on the floor. + +"So Christopher wants you to marry him--the old fox?" he said, +apparently oblivious of the wreck of literature he had caused. "But you +won't do that, will you? And yet I have no business to say that. He is a +dam good friend, Christopher." + +"I am sure you ought not to swear so often, Lord Robert; it shocks me, +brought up as I have been," I said, with the air of a little angel. + +"Do I swear?" he asked, surprised. "Oh no, I don't think so--at least, +there is no 'n' to the end of the 'dams,' so they are only an innocent +ornament to conversation. But I won't do it, if you don't wish me to." + +After that he helped me with the books, and was so merry and kind I soon +felt cheered up, and by lunchtime all were finished and in the boxes +ready to be tied up and taken away. Véronique, too, had made great +progress in the adjoining room, and was standing stiff and _maussade_ by +my dressing-table when I came in. She spoke respectfully in French, and +asked me if I had made my plans yet, for, as she explained to me, her +own position seemed precarious, and yet, having been with me for five +years, she did not feel she could leave me at a juncture like this. At +the same time she hoped mademoiselle would make some suitable decision, +as she feared, respectfully, it was "une si drôle de position pour une +demoiselle du monde," alone with "ces messieurs." + +I could not be angry; it was quite true what she said. + +"I shall go up this evening to Claridge's, Véronique," I assured +her--"by about the 5.15 train. We will wire to them after luncheon." + +She seemed comforted, but she added--in the abstract--that a rich +marriage was what was obviously mademoiselle's fate, and she felt sure +great happiness and many jewels would await mademoiselle if mademoiselle +could be persuaded to make up her mind. Nothing is sacred from one's +maid. She knew all about Mr. Carruthers, of course. Poor old Véronique! +I have a big, warm corner for her in my heart. Sometimes she treats me +with the frigid respect one would pay to a queen, and at others I am +almost her _enfant_, so tender and motherly she is to me. And she puts +up with all my tempers and moods, and pets me like a baby just when I am +the worst of all. + +Lord Robert had left me reluctantly when the luncheon gong sounded. + +"Haven't we been happy?" he said, taking it for granted I felt the same +as he did. This is a very engaging quality of his, and makes one feel +sympathetic, especially when he looks into one's eyes with his sleepy +blue ones. He has lashes as long and curly as a gypsy's baby. + +Mr. Carruthers was alone in the dining-room when I got in; he was +looking out of the window, and turned round sharply as I came up the +room. I am sure he would like to have been killing flies on the panes if +he had been a boy. His eyes were steel. + +"Where have you been all the time?" he asked, when he had shaken hands +and said good-morning. + +"Up in my room, packing," I said, simply. "Lord Robert was so kind he +helped me. We have got everything done; and may I order the carriage for +the 5.15 train, please?" + +"Certainly not. Confound Lord Robert!" Mr. Carruthers said. "What +business is it of his? You are not to go. I won't let you. Dear, silly +little child!--" his voice was quite moved. "You can't possibly go out +into the world all alone. Evangeline, why won't you marry me? I--do you +know, I believe--I shall love you----" + +"I should have to be _perfectly sure_ that the person I married loved +me, Mr. Carruthers," I said, demurely, "before I consented to finish up +my life like that." + +He had no time to answer, for Mr. Barton and Lord Robert came into the +room. + +There seemed a gloom over luncheon. There were pauses, and Lord Robert +had a more pathetic expression than ever. His hands are a nice +shape--but so are Mr. Carruthers's; they both look very much like +gentlemen. + +Before we had finished, a note was brought in to me. It was from Lady +Katherine Montgomerie. She was too sorry, she said, to hear of my lonely +position, and she was writing to ask if I would not come over and spend +a fortnight with them at Tryland Court. + +It was not well worded, and I had never cared much for Lady Katherine, +but it was fairly kind, and fitted in perfectly with my plans. + +She had probably heard of Mr. Carruthers's arrival, and was scandalized +at my being alone in the house with him. + +Both men had their eyes fixed on my face when I looked up, as I finished +reading the note. + +"Lady Katherine Montgomerie writes to ask me to Tryland," I said. "So if +you will excuse me I will answer it, and say I will come this +afternoon," and I got up. + +Mr. Carruthers rose, too, and followed me into the library. He +deliberately shut the door and came over to the writing-table where I +sat down. + +"Well, if I let you go, will you tell her then that you are engaged to +me, and I am going to marry you as soon as possible?" + +"No, indeed I won't," I said, decidedly. "I am not going to marry you, +or any one, Mr. Carruthers. What do you think of me? Fancy my consenting +to come back here forever, and live with you, when I don't know you a +bit! And having to put up with your--perhaps--kissing me, +and--and--things of that sort. It is perfectly dreadful to think of!" + +He laughed as if in spite of himself. "But supposing I promised not to +kiss you?" + +"Even so," I said, and I couldn't help biting the end of my pen. "It +could happen that I might get a feeling I wanted to kiss some one +else--and there it is! Once you're married, everything nice is wrong!" + +"Evangeline! I won't let you go--out of my life--you strange little +witch! You have upset me, disturbed me--I can settle to nothing. I seem +to want you so very much." + +"Pouf!" I said, and I pouted at him. + +"You have everything in your life to fill it--position, riches, friends. +You don't want a green-eyed adventuress." + +I bent down and wrote steadily to Lady Katherine. I would be there about +six o'clock, I said, and thanked her in my best style. + +"If I let you go, it is only for the time," Mr. Carruthers said as I +signed my name. "I _intend_ you to marry me--do you hear?" + +"Again I say, 'Qui vivre verra!'" I laughed and rose with the note in my +hand. + +Lord Robert looked almost ready to cry when I told him I was off in the +afternoon. + +"I shall see you again," he said. "Lady Katherine is a relation of my +aunt's husband, Lord Merrenden. I don't know her myself, though." + +I do not believe him. How can he see me again? Young men do talk a lot +of nonsense! + +"I shall come over on Wednesday to see how you are getting on," Mr. +Carruthers said. "Please do be in." + +I promised I would, and then I came up-stairs. + +And so it has come to an end, my life at Branches. I am going to start a +new phase of existence, my first beginning as an adventuress! + +How completely all one's ideas can change in a few days! This day three +weeks ago Mrs. Carruthers was alive. This day two weeks ago I found +myself no longer a prospective heiress, and only three days ago I was +contemplating calmly the possibility of marrying Mr. Carruthers; and +now, for heaven, I would not marry any one! And so, for fresh woods and +pastures new! Oh, I want to see the world, and lots of different human +beings; I want to know what it is makes the clock go round--that great +big clock of life. I want to dance and to sing and to laugh, and to +_live_--and--and--yes, perhaps some day to kiss some one I love! + + + + + TRYLAND COURT HEADINGTON, + + Wednesday, _November 9th._ + + +Goodness gracious! I have been here four whole days, and I continually ask +myself how I shall be able to stand it for the rest of the fortnight. +Before I left Branches, I began to have a sinking at the heart. There were +horribly touching farewells with housekeepers and people I have known +since a child, and one hates to have that choky feeling, especially as +just at the end of it, while tears were still in my eyes, Mr. Carruthers +came out into the hall and saw them; so did Lord Robert! + +I blinked and blinked, but one would trickle down my nose. It was a +horribly awkward moment. + +Mr. Carruthers made profuse inquiries as to my comforts for the drive, in +a tone colder than ever, and insisted upon my drinking some cherry brandy. +Such fussing is quite unlike his usual manner, so I suppose he, too, felt +it was a tiresome _quart d'heure_. Lord Robert did not hide his concern; +he came up to me and took my hand while Christopher was speaking to the +footman who was going with me. + +"You are a dear," he said, "and a brick, and don't you forget I shall come +and stay with Lady Katherine before you leave, so you won't feel you are +all among strangers." + +I thanked him, and he squeezed my hand so kindly. I do like Lord Robert. + +Very soon I was gay again and _insouciante_, and the last they saw of me +was smiling out of the brougham window as I drove off in the dusk. They +both stood upon the steps and waved to me. + +Tea was over at Tryland when I arrived--such a long, damp drive! And I +explained to Lady Katherine how sorry I was to have had to come so late, +and that I could not think of troubling her to have up fresh for me; but +she insisted, and after a while a whole new lot came, made in a hurry with +the water not boiling, and I had to gulp down a nasty cup--Ceylon tea, +too! I hate Ceylon tea! Mr. Montgomerie warmed himself before the fire, +quite shielding it from us, who shivered on a row of high-backed chairs +beyond the radius of the hearth-rug. + +He has a way of puffing out his cheeks and making a noise like "Burrrr," +which sounds very bluff and hearty until you find he has said a mean thing +about some one directly after. And while red hair looks very well on me, I +do think a man with it is the ugliest thing in creation. His face is red, +and his nose and cheeks almost purple, and fiery whiskers, fierce enough +to frighten a cat in a dark lane. + +He was a rich Scotch manufacturer, and poor Lady Katherine had to marry +him, I suppose; though, as she is Scotch herself, I dare say she does not +notice that he is rather coarse. + +There are two sons and six daughters--one married, four grown-up, and one +at school in Brussels--and all with red hair! But straight and coarse, and +with freckles and white eyelashes. So, really, it is very kind of Lady +Katherine to have asked me here. + +They are all as good as gold on top, and one does poker-work, and another +binds books, and a third embroiders altar-cloths, and the fourth knits +ties--all for charities, and they ask every one to subscribe to them +directly they come to the house. The tie and the altar-cloth ones were +sitting working hard in the drawing-room--Kirstie and Jean are their +names; Jessie and Maggie, the poker-worker and the bookbinder, have a +sitting-room to themselves--their work-shop they call it. They were there +still, I suppose, for I did not see them until dinner. We used to meet +once a year at Mrs. Carruthers's Christmas parties ever since ages and +ages, and I remember I hated their tartan sashes, and they generally had +colds in their heads, and one year they gave every one mumps, so they +were not asked the next. The altar-cloth one, Jean, is my age, the other +three are older. + +It was really very difficult to find something to say, and I can quite +understand common people fidgeting when they feel worried like this. I +have never fidgeted since eight years ago, the last time Mrs. Carruthers +boxed my ears for it. Just before going up to dress for dinner Mr. +Montgomerie asked blank out if it was true that Mr. Carruthers had +arrived. Lady Katherine had been skirting round this subject for a quarter +of an hour. + +I only said yes, but that was not enough, and, once started, he asked a +string of questions, with "Burrrr" several times in between. Was Mr. +Carruthers going to shoot the pheasants in November? Had he decided to +keep on the chef? Had he given up diplomacy? I said I really did not know +any of these things, I had seen so little of him. + +Lady Katherine nodded her head, while she measured a comforter she was +knitting, to see if it was long enough. + +"I am sure it must have been most awkward for you, his arriving at all; it +was not very good taste on his part, I am afraid, but I suppose he wished +to see his inheritance as soon as possible," she said. + +I nearly laughed, thinking what she would say if she knew which part of +his inheritance he had really come to see. I do wonder if she has ever +heard that Mrs. Carruthers left me to him, more or less, in her will! + +"I hope you had your old governess with you, at least," she continued, as +we went up the stairs, "so that you could feel less uncomfortable--really +a most shocking situation for a girl alone in the house with an unmarried +man!" + +I told her Mr. Barton was there, too, but I had not the courage to say +anything about Lord Robert; only that Mr. Carruthers had a friend of his +down who was a great judge of pictures, to see them. + +"Oh, a valuer, I suppose. I hope he is not going to sell the Correggios," +she exclaimed. + +"No, I don't think so," I said, leaving the part about the valuer +unanswered. + +Mr. Carruthers's being unmarried seemed to worry her most; she went on +about it again before we got to my bedroom door. + +"I happened to hear a rumor at Miss Sheriton's" (the wool-shop in +Headington, our town) "this morning," she said, "and so I wrote at once to +you. I felt how terrible it would be for one of my own dear girls to be +left alone with a bachelor like that. I almost wonder you did not stay up +in your own rooms." + +I thanked her for her kind thought, and she left me at last. + +If she only knew! The unmarried ones who came down the passage to talk to +mademoiselle were not half so saucy as the old fellows with wives +somewhere. Lord Bentworth was married, and he wanted me to kiss him, +whereas Colonel Grimston had no wife, and he never said Bo! to a goose. +And I do wonder what she thought Mr. Carruthers was going to do to me, +that it would have been wise for me to stay up in my rooms. Perhaps she +thinks diplomats, having lived in foreign places, are sort of wild beasts. + +My room is frightful after my pretty rosy chintzes at Branches. Nasty +yellowish wood furniture, and nothing much matching; however, there are +plenty of wardrobes, so Véronique is content. + +They were all in the drawing-room when I got down, and Malcolm, the eldest +son, who is in a Highland militia regiment, had arrived by a seven-o'clock +train. + +I had that dreadful feeling of being very late and Mr. Montgomerie wanting +to swear at me, though it was only a minute past a quarter to eight. + +He said "Burrrr" several times, and flew off to the dining-room with me +tucked under his arm, murmuring it gave no cook a chance to keep the +dinner waiting. So I expected something wonderful in the way of food, but +it is not half so good as our chef sent up at Branches. And the footmen +are not all the same height, and their liveries don't fit like Mrs. +Carruthers always insisted that ours should do. + +Malcolm _is_ a titsy pootsy man. Not as tall as I am, and thin as a rail, +with a look of his knees being too near together. He must be awful in a +kilt, and I am sure he shivers when the wind blows--he has that air. I +don't like kilts--unless men are big, strong, bronzed creatures that don't +seem ashamed of their bare bits. I saw some splendid specimens marching, +once, in Edinburgh, and they swung their skirts just like the beautiful +ladies in the Bois, when mademoiselle and I went out of the Allée Mrs. +Carruthers told us to try always to walk in. + +Lady Catherine talked a great deal at dinner about politics and her +different charities, and the four girls were so respectful and interested, +but Mr. Montgomerie contradicted her whenever he could. I was glad when we +went into the drawing-room. + +That first evening was the worst of all, because we were all so strange; +one seems to get acclimatized to whatever it is after a while. + +Lady Katherine asked me if I had not some fancy-work to do. Kirstie had +begun her ties, and Jean the altar-cloth, again. + +"Do let Maggie run to your room and fetch it for you," she said. + +I was obliged to tell her I never did any. "But I--I can trim hats," I +said; it really seemed awful not to be able to do anything like them, I +felt I must say this as a kind of defence for myself. + +However, she seemed to think that hardly a lady's employment. + +"How clever of you!" Kirstie exclaimed. "I wish I could, but don't you +find that intermittent? You can't trim them all the time. Don't you feel +the want of a constant employment?" + +I was obliged to say I had not felt like that yet, but I could not tell +them I particularly loved sitting perfectly still, doing nothing. + +Jessie and Maggie played Patience at two tables which folded up, and which +they brought out and sat down to with a deliberate accustomed look which +made me know at once they did this every night, and that I should see +those tables planted exactly on those two spots of carpet every evening +during my whole stay. I suppose it is because they cannot bring the +poker-work and the bookbinding into the drawing-room. + +"Won't you play us something?" Lady Katherine asked, plaintively. +Evidently it was not permitted to do nothing, so I got up and went to the +piano. + +Fortunately I know heaps of things by heart, and I love them, and would +have gone on and on, so as to fill up the time, but they all said "Thank +you" in a chorus after each bit, and it rather put me off. + +Mr. Montgomerie and Malcolm did not come in for ages, and I could see Lady +Katherine getting uneasy. One or two things at dinner suggested to me that +these two were not on the best terms, perhaps she feared they had come to +blows in the dining-room. The Scotch, Mrs. Carruthers said, have all kinds +of rough customs that other nations do not keep up any longer. + +They did turn up at last, and Mr. Montgomerie was purple all over his +face, and Malcolm a pale green, but there were no bruises on him; only one +could see they had had a terrible quarrel. + +There is something in breeding, after all, even if one is of a barbarous +country. Lady Katherine behaved so well, and talked charities and politics +faster than ever, and did not give them time for any further outburst, +though I fancy I heard a few "damns" mixed with the "burrrrs," and not +without the "n" on just for ornament, like Lord Robert's. + +It was a frightful evening. + + + Wednesday, _November 9th._ + (Continued.) + + +Malcolm walked beside me going to church the next day. He looked a little +less depressed, and I tried to cheer him up. + +He did not tell me what his worries were, but Jean had said something +about it when she came into my room as I was getting ready. It appears he +has got into trouble over a horse called Angela Grey--Jean gathered this +from Lady Katherine; she said her father was very angry about it, as he +had spent so much money on it. + +To me it does not sound like a horse's name, and I told Jean so, but she +was perfectly horrified, and said it must be a horse, because they were +not acquainted with any Angela Grey, and did not even know any Greys at +all. So it must be a horse! + +I think that a ridiculous reason, as Mrs. Carruthers said all young men +knew people one wouldn't want to; and it was silly to make a fuss about +it, and that they couldn't help it, and they would be very dull if they +were as good as gold, like girls. + +But I expect Lady Katherine thinks differently about things to Mrs. +Carruthers, and the daughters the same. + +I shall ask Lord Robert when I see him again if it is a horse or not. + +Malcolm is not attractive, and I was glad the church was not far off. + +No carriages are allowed out on Sunday, so we had to walk; and coming back +it began to rain, and we could not go round the stables, which I +understand is the custom here every Sunday. + +Everything is done because it is the custom, not because you want to amuse +yourself. + +"When it rains and we can't go round the stables," Kirstie said, "we look +at the old _Illustrated London News_, and go on our way from afternoon +church." + +I did not particularly want to do that, so stayed in my room as long as I +could. The four girls were seated at a large table in the hall, each with +a volume in front of her when I got down at last. They must know every +picture by heart, if they do it every Sunday it rains--they stay in +England all the winter. + +Jean made room for me beside her. + +"I am at the 'Sixties,'" she said. "I finished the 'Fifties' last Easter." +So they evidently do even this with a method. + +I asked her if there were not any new books they wanted to read, but she +said Lady Katherine did not care for their looking at magazines or novels +unless she had been through them first, and she had not time for many, so +they kept the few they had to read between tea and dinner on Sunday. + +By this time I felt I should do something wicked; and if the luncheon gong +had not sounded, I do not know what would have happened. + +Mr. Montgomerie said rather gallant things to me when the cheese and port +came along, while the girls looked shocked, and Lady Katherine had a stony +stare. I suppose he is like this because he is married. I wonder, though, +if young married men are the same. I have never met any yet. + +By Monday night I was beginning to feel the end of the world would come +soon. It is ten times worse than ever having had to conceal all my +feelings and abjectly obey Mrs. Carruthers. Because she did say cynical, +entertaining things sometimes to me, and to her friends, that made one +laugh. And one felt it was only she who made the people who were dependent +upon her do her way, because she herself was so selfish, and that the rest +of the world were free if once one got outside. + +But Lady Katherine and the whole Montgomerie _milieu_ give you the +impression that everything and everybody must be ruled by rules; and no +one could have a right to an individual opinion in any sphere of society. + +You simply can't laugh--they asphyxiate you. I am looking forward to this +afternoon and Mr. Carruthers coming over. I often think of the days at +Branches, and how exciting it was, with those two, and I wish I were back +again. + +I have tried to be polite and nice to them all here, and yet they don't +seem absolutely pleased. + +Malcolm gazes at me with sheep's eyes. They are a washy blue, with the +family white eyelashes (how different to Lord Robert's!). He has the most +precise, regulated manner, and never says a word of slang; he ought to +have been a young curate, and I can't imagine his spending money on any +Angela Greys, even if she is a horse or not. + +He speaks to me when he can, and asks me to go for walks round the golf +course. The four girls play for an hour and three-quarters every morning. +They never seem to enjoy anything--the whole of life is a solid duty. I am +sitting up in my room, and Véronique has had the sense to have my fire +lighted early. I suppose Mr. Carruthers won't come until about four--an +hour more to be got through. I have said I must write letters, and so +have escaped from them and not had to go for the usual drive. + +I suppose he will have the sense to ask for me, even if Lady Katherine is +not back when he comes. + +This morning it was so fine and frosty a kind of devil seemed to creep +into me. I have been _so_ good since Saturday, so when Malcolm said, in +his usual prim, priggish voice, "Miss Travers, may I have the pleasure of +taking you for a little exercise," I jumped up without consulting Lady +Katherine, and went and put my things on, and we started. + +I had a feeling that they were all thinking I was doing something wrong, +and so, of course, it made me worse. I said every kind of simple thing I +could to Malcolm to make him jump, and looked at him now and then from +under my eyelashes. So when we got to a stile, he did want to help me, and +his eyes were quite wobblish. He has a giggle right up in the treble, and +it comes out at such unexpected moments, when there is nothing to laugh +at. I suppose it is being Scotch--he has just caught the meaning of some +former joke. There would never be any use in saying things to him like to +Lord Robert and Mr. Carruthers, because one would have left the place +before he understood, if even then. + +There was an old Sir Thomas Farquharson who came to Branches, and he +grasped the deepest jokes of Mrs. Carruthers--so deep that even I did not +understand them--and he was Scotch. It may be they are like that only when +they have red hair. + +When I was seated on top of a stile, Malcolm suddenly announced: + +"I hear you are going to London when you go. I hope you will let me come +and see you; but I wish you lived here always." + +"I don't," I said, and then I remembered that sounded rather rude, and +they had been kind to me. "At least, you know, I think the country is +dull; don't you--for always?" + +"Yes," he replied, primly, "for men, but it is where I should always wish +to see the woman I respected." + +"Are towns so wicked?" I asked, in my little-angel voice. "Tell me of +their pitfalls, so that I may avoid them." + +"You must not believe everything people say to you, to begin with," he +said, seriously. "For one so young as you, I am afraid you will find your +path beset with temptations." + +"Oh, do tell me what!" I implored. "I have always wanted to know what +temptations were. Please tell me. If you come to see me--would you be a +temptation, or is temptation a thing and not a person?" I looked at him +so beseechingly he never for a second saw the twinkle in my eye. + +He coughed pompously. "I expect I should be," he said modestly. +"Temptations are--er--er--Oh, I say, you know, I say--I don't know what to +say." + +"Oh, what a pity!" I said, regretfully. "I was hoping to hear all about it +from you, especially if you are one yourself; you must know." + +He looked gratified, but still confused. + +"You see, when you are quite alone in London, some man may make love to +you." + +"Oh, do you think so, _really_?" I asked, aghast. "That, I suppose, would +be frightful, if I were by myself in the room. Would it do, do you think, +if I left the sitting-room door open and kept Véronique on the other +side?" + +He looked at me hard, but he only saw the face of an unprotected angel, +and, becoming reassured, he said, gravely: + +"Yes, it might be just as well." + +"You do surprise me about love," I said. "I had no idea it was a violent +kind of thing like that. I thought it began with grave reverence and +respect, and after years of offering flowers and humble compliments, and +bread-and-butter at tea-parties, the gentleman went down upon one knee and +made a declaration--'Clara Maria, I adore you; be mine'--and then one put +out a lily-white hand and, blushing, told him to rise; but that can't be +your sort, and you have not yet explained what temptation means." + +"It means more or less wanting to do what you ought not to." + +"Oh, then," I said, "I am having temptation all the time; aren't you? For +instance, I want to tear up Jean's altar-cloth, and rip Kirstie's ties, +and tool bad words on Jessie's bindings, and burn Maggie's wood-boxes." + +He looked horribly shocked and hurt, so I added at once: + +"Of course, it must be lovely to be able to do these things; they are +perfect girls, and so clever, only it makes me feel like that because I +suppose I am--different." + +He looked at me critically. "Yes, you are different; I wish you would try +and be more like my sisters, then I should not feel so nervous about your +going to London." + +"It is too good of you to worry," I said, demurely. "But I don't think you +need, you know. I have rather a strong suspicion I am acquainted with the +way to take care of myself," and I bent down and laughed right in his +face, and jumped off the stile onto the other side. + +He did look such a teeny shrimp climbing after me! But it does not matter +what is their size, the vanity of men is just the same. I am sure he +thought he had only to begin making love to me himself and I would drop +like a ripe peach into his mouth. + +I teased him all the way back, until when we got in to lunch he did not +know whether he was on his head or his heels. Just as we came up to the +door he said: + +"I thought your name was Evangeline; why did you say it was Clara Maria?" + +"Because it is not!" I laughed over my shoulder, and ran into the house. + +He stood on the steps, and if he had been one of the stable-boys he would +have scratched his head. + +Now I must stop and dress. I shall put on a black tea-frock I have. Mr. +Carruthers shall see I have not caught frumpdom from my hosts. + + + _Night._ + + +I do think men are the most horrid creatures--you can't believe what they +say or rely upon them for five minutes! Mrs. Carruthers was right; she +said, "Evangeline, remember, it is quite difficult enough to trust one's +self without trusting a man." + +Such an afternoon I have had! That annoying feeling of waiting for +something all the time and nothing happening. For Mr. Carruthers did not +turn up, after all. How I wish I had not dressed and expected him! + +He is probably saying to himself he is well out of the business, now I +have gone. I don't suppose he meant a word of his protestations to me. +Well, he need not worry. I had no intention of jumping down his throat; +only I would have been glad to see him, because he is human, and not like +any one here. + +Of course, Lord Robert will be the same, and I shall probably never see +either of them again. How can Lord Robert get here when he does not know +Lady Katherine? No; it was just said to say something nice when I was +leaving, and he will be as horrid as Mr. Carruthers. + +I am thankful, at least, that I did not tell Lady Katherine; I should have +felt such a goose. Oh! I do wonder what I shall do next. I don't know at +all how much things cost; perhaps three hundred a year is very poor. I am +sure my best frocks always were five or six hundred francs each, and I +dare say hotels run away with money. But for the moment I am rich, as Mr. +Barton kindly advanced some of my legacy to me; and, oh, I am going to see +life! and it is absurd to be sad! I shall go to bed, and forget how cross +I feel. + +They are going to have a shoot here next week--pheasants. I wonder if they +will have a lot of old men. I have not heard all who are coming. + +Lady Katherine said to me after dinner this evening that she was sorry, as +she was afraid it would be most awkward for me their having a party, on +account of my deep mourning, and I, if I felt it dreadfully, I need not +consider they would find me the least rude if I preferred to have dinner +in my room. + +I don't want to have dinner in my room. Think of the stuffiness of it! And +perhaps hearing laughter going on down-stairs. + +I can always amuse myself watching faces, however dull they are. I thanked +her, and said it would not be at all necessary, as I must get accustomed +to seeing people. I could not count upon always meeting hostesses with +such kind thoughts as hers, and I might as well get used to it. + +She said "Yes," but not cordially. + +To-morrow Mrs. Mackintosh, the eldest daughter, is arriving with her four +children. I remember her wedding five years ago. I have never seen her +since. + +She was very tall and thin, and stooped dreadfully, and Mrs. Carruthers +said Providence had been very kind in giving her a husband at all. But +when Mr. Mackintosh tittuped down the aisle with her, I did not think so. + +A wee, sandy fellow about up to her shoulder! + +Oh, I would hate to be tied to that! I think to be tied to anything could +not be very nice. I wonder how I ever thought of marrying Mr. Carruthers +offhand! + +I feel now I shall never marry, for years. Of course one can't be an old +maid, but for a long time I mean to see life first. + + + + + TRYLAND, + + Thursday, _November 10th._ + + + BRANCHES, + + _Wednesday._ + + + DEAR MISS TRAVERS,-- + + I regret exceedingly I was unable to come over to Tryland + to-day, but hope to do so before you leave. I trust you are + well, and did not catch cold on the drive. + + Yours, very truly, + + CHRISTOPHER CARRUTHERS. + + +_This_ is what I get this morning! Pig! + +Well, I sha'n't be in if he does come. I can just see him pulling +himself together once temptation (it makes me think of Malcolm!) is out +of his way; he no doubt feels he has had an escape, as I am nobody very +grand. + +The letters come early here, as everywhere, but in a bag which only Mr. +Montgomerie can open, and one has to wait until every one is seated at +breakfast before he produces the key and deals them all out. + +Mr. Carruthers's was the only one for me, and it had "Branches" on the +envelope, which attracted Mr. Montgomerie's attention, and he began to +"burrrr," and hardly gave me time to read it before he commenced to ask +questions apropos of the place, to get me to say what the letter was +about. He is a curious man. + +"Carruthers is a capital fellow, they tell me--er. You had better ask +him over quietly, Katherine, if he is all alone at Branches"--this with +one eye on me in a questioning way. + +I remained silent. + +"Perhaps he is off to London, though?" + +I pretended to be busy with my coffee. + +"Best pheasant-shoot in the county, and a close borough under the old +régime. Hope he will be more neighborly--Er--suppose he must shoot 'em +before November?" + +I buttered my toast. + +Then the "burrrrs" began. I wonder he does not have a noise that ends +with d--n simply. It would save him time. + +"Couldn't help seeing your letter was from Branches. Hope Carruthers +gives you some news?" + +As he addressed me deliberately, I was obliged to answer: + +"I have no information. It is only a business letter," and I ate toast +again. + +He "burrred" more than ever, and opened some of his own correspondence. + +"What am I to do, Katherine," he said, presently--"that confounded +fellow Campion has thrown me over for next week, and he is my best gun? +At short notice like this, it's impossible to replace him with the same +class of shot." + +"Yes, dear," said Lady Katherine, in that kind of voice that has not +heard the question. She was deep in her own letters. + +"Katherine!" roared Mr. Montgomerie. "Will you listen when I +speak--burrrr!" and he thumped his fist on the table. + +Poor Lady Katherine almost jumped, and the china rattled. + +"Forgive me, Anderson," she said, humbly; "you were saying----?" + +"Campion has thrown me over," glared Mr. Montgomerie. + +"Then I have perhaps the very thing for you," Lady Katherine said, in a +relieved way, returning to her letters. "Sophia Merrenden writes this +morning, and among other things tells me of her nephew, Lord Robert +Vavasour--you know, Torquilstone's half-brother. She says he is the most +charming young man and a wonderful shot--she even suggests" (looking +back a page), "that he might be useful to us, if we are short of a gun." + +"Damned kind of her!" growled Mr. Montgomerie. + +I hope they did not notice, but I had suddenly such a thrill of pleasure +that I am sure my cheeks got red. I felt frightfully excited to hear +what was going to happen. + +"Merrenden, as you know, is the best judge of shooting in England," Lady +Katherine went on, in an injured voice. "Sophia is hardly likely to +recommend his nephew so highly if he were not pretty good." + +"But you don't know the puppy, Katherine." + +My heart fell. + +"That is not the least consequence; we are almost related. Merrenden is +my first cousin, you forget that, I suppose!" + +Fortunately I could detect that Lady Katherine was becoming obstinate +and offended. I drank some more coffee. Oh, how lovely if Lord Robert +comes! + +Mr. Montgomerie "burrred" a lot first, but Lady Katherine got him round, +and before breakfast was over it was decided she should write to Lord +Robert and ask him to come to the shoot. As we were all standing looking +out of the window at the dripping rain, I heard her say, in a low voice: + +"Really, Anderson, we must think of the girls sometimes. Torquilstone is +a confirmed bachelor and a cripple--Lord Robert will certainly one day +be duke." + +"Well, catch him if you can," said Mr. Montgomerie. He is coarse +sometimes. + +I am not going to let myself think much about Lord Robert. Mr. +Carruthers has been a lesson to me. But if he does come, I wonder if +Lady Katherine will think it funny of me not saying I knew him when she +first spoke of him. It is too late now, so it can't be helped. + +The Mackintosh party arrived this afternoon. Marriage must have quite +different effects on some people. Numbers of the married women we saw in +London were lovely--prettier, I always heard, than they had been +before--but Mary Mackintosh is perfectly awful. She can't be more than +twenty-seven, but she looks forty, at least; and stout, and sticking out +all in the wrong places, and flat where the stick-outs ought to be. And +the four children. The two eldest look much the same age, the next a +little smaller, and there is a baby, and they all squall, and although +they seem to have heaps of nurses, poor Mr. Mackintosh has to be a kind +of under one. He fetches and carries for them, and gives his +handkerchief when they slobber, but perhaps it is he feels proud that a +person of his size had these four enormous babies almost all at once +like that. + +The whole thing is simply dreadful. + +Tea was a pandemonium! The four aunts gushing over the infants, and +feeding them with cake, and gurgling with "tootsie-wootsie popsy-wopsy" +kind of noises. They will get to do "burrrrs," I am sure, when they get +older. I wonder if the infants will come down every afternoon when the +shoot happens. The guests will enjoy it. + +I said to Jean as we came up-stairs that I thought it seemed terrible to +get married; did not she? But she was shocked, and said no, marriage and +motherhood were sacred duties, and she envied her sister. + +This kind of thing is not my idea of bliss. Two really well-behaved +children would be delicious, I think; but four squalling imps all about +the same age is _bourgeois_, and not the affair of a lady. + +I suppose Lord Robert's answer cannot get here till about Saturday. I +wonder how he arranged it? It is clever of him. Lady Katherine said this +Mr. Campion who was coming is in the same regiment, the 3d Life Guards. +Perhaps when---- But there is no use my thinking about it, only somehow +I am feeling so much better to-night--gay, and as if I did not mind +being very poor--that I was obliged to tease Malcolm a little after +dinner. I _would_ play Patience, and never lifted my eyes from the +cards. + +He kept trying to say things to me to get me to go to the piano, but I +pretended I did not notice. A palm stands at the corner of a high +Chippendale writing-bureau, and Jessie happened to have put the +Patience-table behind that rather, so the rest of them could not see +everything that was happening. Malcolm at last sat very near beside me, +and wanted to help with the aces--but I can't bear people being close to +me, so I upset the board, and he had to pick up all the cards on the +floor. Kirstie, for a wonder, played the piano then--a cake-walk--and +there was something in it that made me feel I wanted to move--to dance, +to undulate--I don't know what--and my shoulders swayed a little in time +to the music. Malcolm breathed quite as if he had a cold, and said, +right in my ear, in a fat voice: + +"You know you are a devil--and I----" + +I stopped him at once, and looked up for the first time, absolutely +shocked and surprised. + +"Really, Mr. Montgomerie, I do not know what you mean," I said. + +He began to fidget. + +"Er--I mean--I mean--I awfully wish to kiss you." + +"But I do not a bit wish to kiss you," I said, and I opened my eyes wide +at him. + +He looked like a spiteful bantam, and fortunately at that moment Jessie +returned to the Patience, and he could not say any more. + +Lady Katherine and Mrs. Mackintosh came into my room on the way up to +bed. She--Lady Katherine--wanted to show Mary how beautifully they had +had it done up; it used to be hers before she married. They looked all +round at the dead-daffodil-colored cretonne and things, and at last I +could see their eyes often straying to my night-gown, and dressing-gown, +laid out on a chair beside the fire. + +"Oh, Lady Katherine, I am afraid you are wondering at my having pink +silk," I said, apologetically, "as I am in mourning; but I have not had +time to get a white dressing-gown yet." + +"It is not that, dear," said Lady Katherine, in a grave duty voice. +"I--I--do not think such a night-gown is suitable for a girl." + +"Oh, but I am very strong," I said. "I never catch cold." + +Mary Mackintosh held it up, with a face of stern disapproval. Of course +it has short sleeves ruffled with Valenciennes, and is fine linen +cambric nicely embroidered. Mrs. Carruthers was always very particular +about them, and chose them herself at Doucet's. She said one never could +know when places might catch on fire. + +"Evangeline, dear, you are very young, so you probably cannot +understand," Mary said. "But I consider this garment not in any way fit +for a girl, or for any good woman for that matter. Mother, I hope my +sisters have not seen it." + +I looked so puzzled. + +She examined the stuff, one could see the chair through it, beyond. + +"What _would_ Alexander say if I were to wear such a thing!" + +This thought seemed to almost suffocate them both; they looked genuinely +pained and shocked. + +"Of course it would be too tight for you," I said, humbly; "but it is +otherwise a very good pattern, and does not tear when one puts up one's +arms. Mrs. Carruthers made a fuss at Doucet's because my last set tore +so soon, and they altered these." + +At the mention of my late adopted mother, both of them pulled themselves +up. + +"Mrs. Carruthers, we know, had very odd notions," Lady Katherine said, +stiffly. "But I hope, Evangeline, you have sufficient sense to +understand now for yourself that such a--a--garment is not at all +seemly." + +"Oh, why not, dear Lady Katherine?" I said, "You don't know how becoming +it is." + +"Becoming!" almost screamed Mary Mackintosh, "But no nice-minded woman +wants things to look becoming in bed!" + +The whole matter appeared so painful to them I covered up the offending +"nighty" with my dressing-gown, and coughed. It made a break, and they +went away, saying good-night frigidly. + +And now I am alone. But I do wonder why it is wrong to look pretty in +bed, considering nobody sees one, too! + + + + + TRYLAND COURT, + + Monday, _November 14th._ + + +I have not felt like writing; these last days have been so stodgy--sticky, +I was going to say. Endless infant talk. The methods of head nurses, +teething, the knavish tricks of nursemaids, patent foods, bottles, +bibs--everything. Enough to put one off forever from wishing to get +married. And Mary Mackintosh sitting there all out of shape, expounding +theories that can have no results in practice, as there could not be +worse-behaved children than hers. + +They even try Lady Katherine, I can see, when the two eldest, who come in +while we are at breakfast each day, take the jam-spoon, or something +equally horrid, and dab it all over the cloth. Yesterday they put their +hands in the honey-dish which Mr. Montgomerie was helping himself to, and +then after smearing him (the "burrrs" were awful), they went round the +table to escape being caught, and fingered the backs of every one's chair +and the door-handle, so that one could not touch a thing without getting +sticky. + +"Alexander, dearie," Mary said. "Alec must have his mouth wiped." + +Poor Mr. Mackintosh had to get up and leave his breakfast, catch these +imps, and employ his table-napkin in vain. + +"Take 'em up-stairs, do--burrrr," roared their fond grandfather. + +"Oh, father, the poor darlings are not really naughty," Mary said, +offended. "I like them to be with us all as much as possible. I thought +they would be such a pleasure to you." + +Upon which, hearing the altercation, both infants set up a yell of fear +and rage, and Alec, the cherub of four and a half, lay on the floor and +kicked and screamed until he was black in the face. + +Mr. Mackintosh is too small to manage two, so one of the footmen had to +come and help him to carry them up to their nursery. Oh, I would not be in +his place for the world! + +Malcolm is becoming so funny. I suppose he is attracted by me. He makes +kind of love in a priggish way whenever he gets the chance, which is not +often, as Lady Katherine contrives to send one of the girls with us on all +our walks; or if we are in the drawing-room, she comes and sits down +beside us herself. I am glad, as it would be a great bore to listen to a +quantity of it. + +How silly of her, though! She can't know as much about men as even I do; +of course, it only makes him all the more eager. + +It is quite an object-lesson for me. I shall be impossibly difficult +myself if I meet Mr. Carruthers again, as he has no mother to play these +tricks for him. + +Lord Robert's answer came on Saturday afternoon. It was all done through +Lady Merrenden. + +He will be delighted to come and shoot on Tuesday, to-morrow. Oh, I am so +glad, but I do wonder if I shall be able to make him understand not to say +anything about having been at Branches while I was there. Such a simple +thing, but Lady Katherine is so odd and particular. + +The party is to be a large one--nine guns. I hope some will be amusing, +though I rather fear. + + + _Tuesday night._ + + +It is quite late, nearly twelve o'clock, but I feel so wide awake I must +write. + +I shall begin from the beginning, when every one arrived. + +They came by two trains early in the afternoon, and just at tea-time, and +Lord Robert was among the last lot. + +They are mostly the same sort as Lady Katherine, looking as good as gold; +but one woman, Lady Verningham, Lady Katherine's niece, is different, and +I liked her at once. + +She has lovely clothes, and an exquisite figure, and her hat on the right +way. She has charming manners, too, but one can see she is on a duty +visit. + +Even all this company did not altogether stop Mary Mackintosh laying down +the law upon domestic--infant domestic--affairs. We all sat in the big +drawing-room, and I caught Lady Verningham's eye, and we laughed together. +The first eye with a meaning in it I have seen since I left Branches. + +Everybody talked so agreeably, with pauses, not enjoying themselves at +all, when Jean and Kirstie began about their work, and explained it, and +tried to get orders, and Jessie and Maggie too, and specimens of it all +had to be shown, and prices fixed. I should hate to have to beg, even for +a charity. + +I felt quite uncomfortable for them, but they did not mind a bit, and +their victims were noble over it. + +Our parson at Branches always got so red and nervous when he had to ask +for anything, one could see he was quite a gentleman; but women are +different, I suppose. + +I longed for tea. + +While they are all very kind here, there is that asphyxiating atmosphere +of stiffness and decorum which affects every one who comes to Tryland. A +sort of "the gold must be tried by fire and the heart must be wrung by +pain" kind of suggestion about everything. + +They are extraordinarily cheerful, because it is a Christian virtue, +cheerfulness; not because they are brimming over with joy, or that lovely +feeling of being alive and not minding much what happens, you feel so +splendid, like I get on fine days. + +Everything they do has a reason, or a moral, in it. This party is because +pheasants have to be killed in November, and certain people have to be +entertained, and their charities can be assisted through them. Oh, if I +had a big house, and were rich, I would have lovely parties, with all +sorts of nice people, because I wanted to give them a good time and laugh +myself. Lady Verningham was talking to me just before tea, when the second +train-load arrived. + +I tried to be quite indifferent, but I did feel dreadfully excited when +Lord Robert walked in. Oh, he looked such a beautiful creature, so smart, +and straight, and lithe! + +Lady Katherine was frightfully stiff with him; it would have discouraged +most people, but that is the lovely part about Lord Robert, he is always +absolutely _sans gêne_! + +He saw me at once, of course, and came over as straight as a die the +moment he could. + +"How do, Robert?" said Lady Verningham, giving him her fingers in such an +attractive way. "Why are you here, and why is our Campie not? Thereby +hangs some tale, I feel sure." + +"Why, yes," said Lord Robert, and he held her hand. Then he looked at me +with his eyebrow up. "But won't you introduce me to Miss Travers? To my +great surprise she seems to have forgotten me." + +I laughed, and Lady Verningham introduced us, and he sat down beside us, +and every one began tea. + +Lady Verningham had such a look in her eye! + +"Robert, tell me about it," she said. + +"I hear they have five thousand pheasants to slay," Lord Robert said, +looking at her with his innocent smile. + +"Robert, you are lying," she said, and she laughed. She is so pretty when +she laughs; not very young, over thirty I should think, but such a +charm--as different as different can be from the whole Montgomerie family. + +I hardly spoke; they continued to tease one another, and Lord Robert ate +most of a plate of bread-and-butter that was near. + +"I am damed hungry, Lady Ver!" he said. She smiled at him; she evidently +likes him very much. + +"Robert! You must not use such language here!" she said. + +"Oh, doesn't he say them often?--those dams!" I burst out, not thinking +for a moment; then I stopped, remembering. She did seem surprised. + +"So you have heard them before. I thought you had only just met casually," +she said, with such a comic look of understanding, but not absolutely +pleased. I stupidly got crimson. It did annoy me, because it shows so +dreadfully on my skin. She leaned back in her chair and laughed. + +"It is delightful to shoot five thousand pheasants, Robert," she said. + +"Now, isn't it?" replied Lord Robert. He had finished the +bread-and-butter. + +Then he told her she was a dear, and he was glad something had suggested +to Mr. Campion that he would have other views of living for this week. + +"You are a joy, Robert," she said. "But you will have to behave here. None +of the tricks you played at Fotherington in October, my child. Aunt +Katherine would put you in a corner. Miss Travers has been here a week, +and can tell you I am truthful about it." + +"Indeed, _yes_," I said. + +"But I _must_ know how you got here!" she commanded. + +Just then, fortunately, Malcolm, who had been hovering near, came up and +joined us, and would talk too; but if he had been a table or a chair he +could not have mattered less to Lord Robert. He is quite wonderful. He is +not the least rude, only perfectly simple and direct, always getting just +what he wants, with rather an appealing expression in his blue eyes. In a +minute or two he and I were talking together, and Malcolm and Lady +Verningham a few yards off. I felt so happy. He makes one like that, I +don't know for what reason. + +"Why did you look so stonily indifferent when I came up?" he asked. "I was +afraid you were annoyed with me for coming." + +Then I told him about Lady Katherine, and my stupidly not having mentioned +meeting him at Branches. + +"Oh, then I stayed with Christopher after you left, I see," he said. "Had +I met you in London?" + +"We won't tell any stories about it. They can think what they please." + +"Very well," he laughed. "I can see I shall have to manoeuvre a good +deal to talk quietly to you here, but you will stand with me, won't you, +out shooting to-morrow?" + +I told him I did not suppose we should be allowed to go out, except +perhaps for lunch, but he said he refused to believe in such cruelty. + +Then he asked me a lot of things about how I had been getting on, and what +I intended to do next. He has the most charming way of making one feel +that one knows him very well, he looks at one every now and then straight +in the eyes, with astonishing frankness. I have never seen any person so +quite without airs. I don't suppose he is ever thinking a bit the effect +he is producing. Nothing has two meanings with him, like with Mr. +Carruthers. If he had said I was to stay and marry him, I am sure he would +have meant it, and I really believe I should have stayed. + +"Do you remember our morning packing?" he said, presently, in such a +caressing voice. "I was so happy; weren't you?" + +I said I was. + +"And Christopher was mad with us. He was like a bear with a sore head +after you left, and insisted upon going up to town on Monday, just for the +day. He came over here on Tuesday, didn't he?" + +"No, he did not," I was obliged to say, and I felt cross about it still, I +don't know why. + +"He is a queer creature," said Lord Robert, "and I am glad you have not +seen him. I don't want him in the way. I am a selfish brute, you know." + +I said Mrs. Carruthers had always brought me up to know men were that, so +such a thing would not prejudice me against him. + +He laughed. "You must help me to come and sit and talk again after +dinner," he said. "I can see the red-haired son means you for himself, but +of course I shall not allow that." + +I became uppish. + +"Malcolm and I are great friends," I said, demurely. "He walks me round +the golf-course in the park, and gives me advice." + +"Confounded impertinence!" said Lord Robert. + +"He thinks I ought not to go to Claridge's alone when I leave here, in +case some one made love to me. He feels if I looked more like his sisters +it would be safer. I have promised that Véronique shall stay at the other +side of the door if I have visitors." + +"Oh, he is afraid of that, is he? Well, I think it is very probable his +fears will be realized, as I shall be in London," said Lord Robert. + +"But how do you know," I began, with a questioning, serious air--"how do +you know I should listen? You can't go on to deaf people, can you?" + +"Are you deaf?" he asked. "I don't think so; anyway, I would try to cure +your deafness." He bent close over to me, pretending to pick up a book. + +Oh, I was having such a nice time! + +All of a sudden I felt I was really living, the blood was jumping in my +veins, and a number of provoking, agreeable things came to the tip of my +tongue to say, and I said them. We were so happy. + +Lord Robert is such a beautiful shape, that pleased me too; the perfect +lines of things always give me a nice emotion. The other men look thick +and clumsy beside him, and he does have such lovely clothes and ties. + +We talked on and on. He began to show me he was deeply interested in me. +His eyes, so blue and expressive, said even more than his words. I like to +see him looking down; his eyelashes are absurdly long and curly, not jet +black like mine and Mr. Carruthers's, but dark brown and soft and shaded, +and, oh! I don't know how to say quite why they are so attractive. When +one sees them half resting on his cheek it makes one feel it would be nice +to put out the tip of one's finger and touch them. I never spent such a +delightful afternoon. Only, alas! it was all too short. + +"We will arrange to sit together after dinner," he whispered, as even +before the dressing-gong had rung, Lady Katherine came and fussed about, +and collected every one, and more or less drove them off to dress, saying, +on the way up-stairs, to me, that I need not come down if I had rather +not. + +I thanked her again, but remained firm in my intention of accustoming +myself to company. + +Stay in my room, indeed, with Lord Robert at dinner--never! + +However, when I did come down he was surrounded by Montgomeries, and +pranced into the dining-room with Lady Verningham. + +I had such a bore! A young Mackintosh, cousin of Mary's husband, and on +the other side the parson. The one talked about botany in a hoarse +whisper, with a Scotch accent, and the other gobbled his food, and made +kind of pious jokes in between the mouthfuls. + +I said, when I had borne it bravely up to the ices, I hated knowing what +flowers were composed of, I only liked to pick them. The youth stared, and +did not speak much more. For the parson, "Yes" now and then did, and like +that we got through dinner. + +Malcolm was opposite me, and he gaped most of the time. Even he might have +been better than the botanist, but I suppose Lady Katherine felt these two +would be a kind of half mourning for me. No one could have felt gay with +them. + +After dinner Lady Verningham took me over to a sofa with her, in a corner. +The sofas here don't have pillows, as at Branches, but fortunately this +one is a little apart, though not comfortable, and we could talk. + +"You poor child!" she said; "you had a dull time. I was watching you. What +did that Mactavish creature find to say to you?" + +I told her, and that his name was Mackintosh, not Mactavish. + +"Yes, I know," she said. "But I call the whole clan Mactavish; it is near +enough, and it does worry Mary so, she corrects me every time. Now don't +you want to get married, and be just like Mary?" There was a twinkle in +her eye. + +I said I had not felt wild about it yet. I wanted to go and see life +first. + +But she told me one couldn't see life unless one were married. + +"Not even if one is an adventuress, like me?" I asked. + +"A _what_?" + +"An adventuress," I said. "People do seem so astonished when I say that. I +have got to be one, you know, because Mrs. Carruthers never left me the +money after all, and in the book I read about it, it said you were that if +you had nice clothes, and--and--red hair--and things--and no home." + +She rippled all over with laughter. + +"You duck!" she said. "Now you and I will be friends. Only you must not +play with Robert Vavasour. He belongs to me. He is one of my special and +particular own pets. Is it a bargain?" + +I do wish now I had the pluck then to say straight out that I rather liked +Lord Robert, and would not make any bargain, but one is foolish sometimes +when taken suddenly. It is then when I suppose it shows if one's head is +screwed on, and mine wasn't to-night. But she looked so charming, and I +felt a little proud, and perhaps ashamed to show that I am very much +interested in Lord Robert, especially if he belongs to her, whatever that +means; and so I said it was a bargain, and of course I had never thought +of playing with him; but when I came to reflect afterwards, that is a +promise, I suppose, and I sha'n't be able to look at him any more under my +eyelashes. And I don't know why I feel very wide awake and tired, and +rather silly, and as if I wanted to cry to-night. + +However, she was awfully kind to me, and lovely, and has asked me to go +and stay with her, and lots of nice things, so it is all for the best, no +doubt. But when Lord Robert came in, and came over to us, it did feel hard +having to get up at once and go and pretend I wanted to talk to Malcolm. + +I did not dare to look up often, but sometimes, and I found Lord Robert's +eyes were fixed on me with an air of reproach and entreaty, and the last +time there was wrath as well. + +Lady Verningham kept him with her until every one started to go to bed. + +There had been music and bridge, and other boring diversions happening, +but I sat still. And I don't know what Malcolm had been talking about; I +had not been listening, though I kept murmuring "Yes" and "No." + +He got more and more _empressé_, until suddenly I realized he was saying, +as we rose: + +"You have promised! Now remember, and I shall ask you to keep +it--to-morrow." + +And there was such a loving, mawkish, wobbly look in his eyes, it made me +feel quite sick. The horrible part is I don't know what I have promised +any more than the man in the moon. It may be something perfectly dreadful, +for all I know. Well, if it is a fearful thing, like kissing him, I shall +have to break my word, which I never do for any consideration whatever. + +Oh, dear, oh, dear! It is not always so easy to laugh at life as I once +thought. I almost wish I were settled down, and had not to be an +adventuress. Some situations are so difficult. I think now I shall go to +bed. + +I wonder if Lord Robert---- No, what is the good of wondering; he is no +longer my affair. + +I shall blow out the light. + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + Saturday night, _November 19th._ + + +I do not much care to look back to the rest of my stay at Tryland. It is +an unpleasant memory. + +That next day after I last wrote, it poured with rain, and every one came +down cross to breakfast. The whole party appeared, except Lady Verningham, +and breakfast was just as stiff and boring as dinner. I happened to be +seated when Lord Robert came in, and Malcolm was in the place beside me. +Lord Robert hardly spoke, and looked at me once or twice with his eyebrows +right up. + +I did long to say it was because I had promised Lady Ver I would not play +with him that I was not talking to him now like the afternoon before. I +wonder if he ever guessed it. Oh, I wished then, and I have wished a +hundred times since, that I had never promised at all. It seemed as if it +would be wisest to avoid him, as how could I explain the change in myself? +I hated the food, and Malcolm had such an air of proprietorship it annoyed +me as much as I could see it annoyed Lady Katherine. I sniffed at him, and +was as disagreeable as could be. + +The breakfasts there don't shine, and porridge is pressed upon people by +Mr. Montgomerie. "Capital stuff to begin the day--burrrr," he says. + +Lord Robert could not find anything he wanted, it seemed. Every one was +peevish. Lady Katherine has a way of marshalling people on every occasion; +she reminds me of a hen with chickens, putting her wings down and clucking +and chasing till they are all in a corner. And she is rather that shape, +too, very much rounded in front. The female brood soon found themselves in +the morning-room, with the door shut, and no doubt the male things fared +the same with their host--anyway, we saw no more of them till we caught +sight of them passing the windows in scutums and mackintoshes, a depressed +company of sportsmen. + +The only fortunate part was that Malcolm had found no opportunity to +remind me of my promise, whatever it was, and I felt safer. + +Oh, that terrible morning! Much worse than when we were alone; nearly all +of them, about seven women beyond the family, began fancy-work. + +One, a Lady Letitia Smith, was doing a crewel silk blotting-book that made +me quite bilious to look at, and she was very short-sighted, and had such +an irritating habit of asking every one to match her threads for her. They +knitted ties and stockings, and crocheted waistcoats and comforters and +hoods for the North Sea fishermen, and one even tatted. Just like +housemaids do in their spare hours to trim Heaven knows what garment of +unbleached calico. + +I asked her what it was for, and she said for the children's pinafores in +her "guild" work. If one doesn't call that waste of time, I wonder what +is. + +Mrs. Carruthers said it was much more useful to learn to sit still and not +fidget than to fill the world with rubbish like this. + +Mary Mackintosh dominated the conversation. She and Lady Letitia Smith, +who have both small babies, revelled in nursery details, and then +whispered bits for us, the young girls not to hear. We caught scraps +though, and it sounded grewsome, whatever it was about. Oh, I do wonder +when I get married if I shall grow like them! + +I hope not. + +It is no wonder married men are obliged to say gallant things to other +people, if, when they get home, their wives are like that. + +I tried to be agreeable to a lady who was next me. She was a Christian +Scientist, and wore glasses. She endeavored to convert me, but I was +abnormally thick-headed that day, and had to have things explained over +and over, so she gave it up at last. + +Finally, when I felt I should do something desperate, a footman came to +say Lady Verningham wished to see me in her room, and I bounded up, but as +I got to the door I saw them beginning to shake their heads over her. + +"Sad that dear Ianthe has such irregular habits of breakfasting in her +room; so bad for her," etc., etc. But, thank Heaven, I was soon outside in +the hall, where her maid was waiting for me. + +One would hardly have recognized that it was a Montgomerie apartment, the +big room overlooking the porch, where she was located, so changed did its +aspect seem. She had numbers of photographs about, and the loveliest gold +toilet things, and lots of frilled garments, and flowers, and +scent-bottles; and her own pillows propping her up, all blue silk, and +lovely muslin embroideries; and she did look such a sweet, cosey thing +among it all, her dark hair in fluffs round her face, and an angelic lace +cap over it. She was smoking a cigarette, and writing numbers of letters +with a gold stylograph pen. The blue silk quilt was strewn with +correspondence, and newspapers, and telegraph forms. And her garment was +low-necked, of course, and thin like mine. I wondered what Alexander would +have thought if he could have seen her in contrast to Mary. I know which I +would choose if I were a man. + +"Oh, there you are!" she exclaimed, looking up, and puffing smoke clouds. +"Sit on the bye-bye, snake-girl. I felt I must rescue you from the hoard +of holies below, and I wanted to look at you in the daylight. Yes, you +have extraordinary hair, and real eyelashes and complexion, too. You are a +witch thing, I can see, and we shall all have to beware of you." + +I smiled. She did not say it rudely, or I should have been uppish at once. +She has a wonderful charm. + +"You don't speak much, either," she continued. "I feel you are dangerous. +That is why I am being so civil to you; I think it wisest. I can't stand +girls as a rule." And she went into one of her ripples of laughter. "Now +say you will not hurt me." + +"I should not hurt any one," I said. "Unless they hurt me first, and I +like you, you are so pretty." + +"That is all right," she said. "Then we are comrades. I was frightened +about Robert last evening, because I am so attached to him; but you were a +darling after dinner, and it will be all right now. I told him you would +probably marry Malcolm Montgomerie, and he was not to interfere." + +"I shall do nothing of the kind!" I exclaimed, moving off the bed. "I +would as soon die as spend the rest of my life here at Tryland." + +"He will be fabulously rich one day, you know, and you could get round +père Montgomerie in a trice, and revolutionize the whole place. You had +better think of it." + +"I won't," I said, and I felt my eyes sparkle. She put up her hands as if +to ward off an evil spirit, and she laughed again. "Well, you sha'n't +then. Only don't flash those emeralds at me; they give me quivers all +over." + +"Would _you_ like to marry Malcolm?" I asked and I sat down again. "Fancy +being owned by that! Fancy seeing it every day! Fancy living with a person +who never sees a joke from week's end to week's end! Oh!" + +"As for that--" and she puffed smoke. "Husbands are a race apart--there +are men, women, and husbands; and if they pay bills, and shoot big game in +Africa, it is all one ought to ask of them; to be able to see jokes is +superfluous. Mine is most inconvenient, because he generally adores me, +and at best only leaves me for a three weeks' cure at Homburg, and now and +then a week at Paris; but Malcolm could be sent to the Rocky Mountains, +and places like that, continuously; he is quite a sportsman." + +"That is not my idea of a husband," I said. + +"Well, what is your idea, snake-girl?" + +"Why do you call me 'snake-girl'?" I asked. "I hate snakes." + +She took her cigarette out of her mouth, and looked at me for some +seconds. + +"Because you are so sinuous; there is not a stiff line about your +movements, you are utterly wicked-looking and attractive, too, and +un-English, and what in the world Aunt Katherine asked you here for with +those hideous girls I can't imagine. I would not have, if my three angels +were grown up, and like them--" Then she showed me the photographs of her +three angels--they are pets. + +But my looks seemed to bother her, for she went back to them. + +"Where do you get them from? Was your mother some other nation?" + +I told her how poor mamma had been rather an accident, and was nobody +much. "One could not tell, you see; she might have had any quaint creature +beyond the grand-parents--perhaps I am mixed with Red Indian or nigger." + +She looked at me searchingly. + +"No, you are not; you are Venetian. That is it--some wicked, beautiful +friend of a Doge, come to life again." + +"I know I am wicked," I said. "I am always told it; but I have not done +anything yet, or had any fun out of it, and I do want to." + +She laughed again. + +"Well, you must come to London with me when I leave here on Saturday, and +we will see what we can do." + +This sounded so nice, and yet I had a feeling that I wanted to refuse; if +there had been a tone of patronage in her voice, I would have in a minute. +We sat and talked a long time, and she did tell me some interesting +things. The world, she assured me, was a delightful place if one could +escape bores, and had a good cook and a few friends. After a while I left +her, as she suddenly thought she would come down to luncheon. + +"I don't think it would be safe, at the present stage, to leave you alone +with Robert," she said. + +I was angry. + +"I have promised not to play with him; is that not enough?" I exclaimed. + +"Do you know, I believe it is, snake-girl," she said, and there was +something wistful in her eyes; "but you are twenty, and I am past thirty, +and--he is a man. So one can't be too careful." Then she laughed, and I +left her putting a toe into a blue satin slipper and ringing for her +maid. + +I don't think age can matter much; she is far more attractive than any +girl, and she need not pretend she is afraid of me. But the thing that +struck me then, and has always struck me since, is that to have to _hold_ +a man by one's own manoeuvres could not be agreeable to one's +self-respect. I would _never_ do that under any circumstances; if he would +not stay because it was the thing he wanted to do most in the world, he +might go. I should say, "Je m'en fiche!" + +At luncheon, for which the guns came in--no nice picnic in a lodge as at +Branches--I purposely sat between two old gentlemen, and did my best to be +respectful and intelligent. One was quite a nice old thing, and at the end +began paying me compliments. He laughed and laughed at everything I said. +Opposite me were Malcolm and Lord Robert, with Lady Ver between them. They +both looked sulky. It was quite a while before she could get them gay and +pleasant. I did not enjoy myself. + +After it was over, Lord Robert deliberately walked up to me. + +"Why are you so capricious?" he asked. "I won't be treated like this. You +know very well I have only come here to see you. We are such friends--or +were. Why?" + +Oh, I did want to say I was friends still, and would love to talk to him. +He seemed so adorably good-looking, and such a shape! And his blue eyes +had the nicest flash of anger in them. + +I could have kept my promise to the letter, and yet broken it in the +spirit, easily enough, by letting him understand by inference; but of +course one could not be so mean as that when one was going to eat her +salt, so I looked out of the window and answered coldly that I was quite +friendly and did not understand him, and I immediately turned to my old +gentleman and walked with him into the library. In fact, I was as cool as +I could be without being actually rude, but all the time there was a flat, +heavy feeling round my heart. He looked so cross and reproachful, and I +did not like him to think me capricious. + +We did not see them again until tea--the sportsmen, I mean. But tea at +Tryland is not a friendly time; it is just as stiff as other meals. Lady +Ver never let Lord Robert leave her side, and immediately after tea +everybody who stayed in the drawing-room played bridge, where they were +planted until the dressing-bell rang. + +One would have thought Lady Katherine would have disapproved of cards, but +I suppose every one must have one contradiction about them, for she loves +bridge, and played for the lowest stakes with the air of a "needy +adventurer" as the books say. + +I can't write the whole details of the rest of the visit. I was miserable, +and that is the truth. Fate seemed to be against Lord Robert speaking to +me, even when he tried, and I felt I must be extra cool and nasty because +I--oh, well, I may as well say it--he attracts me very much. I never once +looked at him from under my eyelashes, and after the next day he did not +even try to have an explanation. + +He glanced with wrath sometimes, especially when Malcolm hung over me, and +Lady Ver said his temper was dreadful. + +She was so sweet to me, it almost seemed as if she wanted to make up to me +for not letting me play with Lord Robert. + +(Of course, I would not allow her to see I minded that.) + +And finally Friday came, and the last night. + +I sat in my room from tea until dinner. I could not stand Malcolm any +longer. I had fenced with him rather well up to then, but that promise of +mine hung over me. I nipped him every time he attempted to explain what it +was, and to this moment I don't know, but it did not prevent him from +saying tiresome, loving things, mixed with priggish advice. I don't know +what would have happened, only when he got really horribly affectionate, +just after tea, I was so exasperated I launched this bomb. + +"I don't believe a word you are saying--your real interest is Angela +Grey." + +He nearly had a fit, and shut up at once. So, of course, it is not a +horse. I felt sure of it. Probably one of those people Mrs. Carruthers +said all young men knew--their adolescent measles and chicken-pox, she +called them. + +All the old men talked a great deal to me, and even the other two young +ones; but these last days I did not seem to have any of my usual spirits. +Just as we were going to bed on Friday night Lord Robert came up to Lady +Ver; she had her hand through my arm. + +"I can come to the play with you on Saturday night, after all," he said. +"I have wired to Campion to make a fourth, and you will get some other +woman, won't you?" + +"I will try," said Lady Ver, and she looked right into his eyes; then she +turned to me. "I shall feel so cruel leaving you alone, Evangeline" (at +once, almost, she called me Evangeline; I should never do that with +strangers), "but I suppose you ought not to be seen at a play just yet." + +"I like being alone," I said. "I shall go to sleep early." + +Then they settled to dine all together at her house, and go on; so, +knowing I should see him again, I did not even say good-bye to Lord +Robert, and he left by the early train. + +A number of the guests came up to London with us. + +My leave-taking with Lady Katherine had been coldly cordial. I thanked her +deeply for her kindness in asking me there. She did not renew the +invitation; I expect she felt a person like me, who would have to look +after themselves, was not a suitable companion to her altar-cloth and +poker workers. + +Up to now, she told Lady Ver, of course I had been most carefully brought +up and taken care of by Mrs. Carruthers, although she had not approved of +her views. And having done her best for me at this juncture, saving me +from staying alone with Mr. Carruthers, she felt it was all she was called +upon to do. She thought my position would become too unconventional for +their circle in future! Lady Ver told me all this with great glee. She +was sure it would amuse me, it so amused her, but it made me a teeny bit +remember the story of the boys and the frogs! + +Lady Ver now and then puts out a claw which scratches, while she ripples +with laughter. Perhaps she does not mean it. + +This house is nice, and full of pretty things, as far as I have seen. We +arrived just in time to fly into our clothes for dinner. I am in a wee +room four stories up, by the three angels. I was down first, and Lord +Robert and Mr. Campion were in the drawing-room. Sir Charles Verningham is +in Paris, by-the-way, so I have not seen him yet. + +Lord Robert was stroking the hair of the eldest angel, who had not gone to +bed. The loveliest thing she is, and so polite, and different to Mary +Mackintosh's infants. + +He introduced Mr. Campion stiffly, and returned to Mildred--the angel. + +Suddenly mischief came into me, the reaction from the last dull days; so I +looked straight at Mr. Campion from under my eyelashes, and it had the +effect it always has on people--he became interested at once. I don't know +why this does something funny to them. I remember I first noticed it in +the school-room at Branches. I was doing a horrible exercise upon the +_participe passé_, and feeling very _égarée_, when one of the old +ambassadors came in to see mademoiselle. I looked up quickly, with my head +a little down, and he said to mademoiselle, in a low voice, in German, +that I had the strangest eyes he had ever seen, and that uplook under the +eyelashes was the affair of the devil! + +Now I knew even then the affair of the devil is something attractive, so I +have never forgotten it, although I was only about fifteen at the time. I +always determined I would try it when I grew up and wanted to create +emotions. Except Mr. Carruthers and Lord Robert, I have never had much +chance, though. + +Mr. Campion sat down beside me on a sofa, and began to say at once that I +ought to be going to the play with them. I spoke in my velvet voice, and +said I was in too deep mourning, and he apologized so nicely, rather +confused. + +He is quite a decent-looking person, smart and well groomed, like Lord +Robert, but not that lovely shape. We talked on for about ten minutes. I +said very little, but he never took his eyes off my face. All the time I +was conscious that Lord Robert was fidgeting and playing with a china cow +that was on a table near, and just before the butler announced Mrs. +Fairfax he dropped it on the floor and broke its tail off. + +Mrs. Fairfax is not pretty; she has reddish-gold hair, with brown roots, +and a very dark skin, but it is nicely done--the hair, I mean, and perhaps +the skin too, as sideways you can see the pink sticking up on it. It must +be rather a nuisance to have to do all that, but it is certainly better +than looking like Mary Mackintosh. She doesn't balance nicely--bits of her +are too long or too short. I do like to see everything in the right +place--like Lord Robert's figure. Lady Ver came in just then, and we all +went down to dinner. Mrs. Fairfax gushed at her a good deal. Lady Ver does +not like her much--she told me in the train--but she was obliged to wire +to her to come, as she could not get any one else Mr. Campion liked on so +short a notice. + +"The kind of woman every one knows, and who has no sort of pride," she +said. + +Well, even when I am really an adventuress I sha'n't be like that. + +Dinner was very gay. + +Lady Ver, away from her decorous relations, is most amusing. She says +anything that comes into her head. Mrs. Fairfax got cross because Mr. +Campion would speak to me; but as I did not particularly take to her, I +did not mind, and just amused myself. As the party was so small, Lord +Robert and I were obliged to talk a little, and once or twice I forgot +and let myself be natural and smile at him. His eyebrows went up in that +questioning, pathetic way he has, and he looked so attractive--that made +me remember again, and instantly turn away. When we were coming into the +hall, while Lady Ver and Mrs. Fairfax were up putting on their cloaks, +Lord Robert came up close to me and whispered: + +"I _can't_ understand you. There is some reason for your treating me like +this, and I will find it out. Why are you so cruel, little, wicked tiger +cat?" and he pinched one of my fingers until I could have cried out. + +That made me so angry. + +"How dare you touch me!" I said. "It is because you know I have no one to +take care of me that you presume like this." + +I felt my eyes blaze at him, but there was a lump in my throat. I would +not have been hurt if it had been any one else, only angry; but he had +been so respectful and gentle with me at Branches, and I had liked him so +much. It seemed more cruel for him to be impertinent now. + +His face fell; indeed, all the fierceness went out of it, and he looked +intensely miserable. + +"Oh, don't say that!" he said, in a choked voice. "I--oh, that is the one +thing you know is not true." + +Mr. Campion, with his fur coat fastened, came up at that moment, saying +gallant things, and insinuating that we must meet again, but I said +good-night quietly, and came up the stairs without a word more to Lord +Robert. + +"Good-night, Evangeline, pet," Lady Ver said, when I met her on the +drawing-room landing, coming down. "I do feel a wretch, leaving you, but +to-morrow I will really try and amuse you. You look very pale, child; the +journey has tried you, probably." + +"Yes, I am tired," I tried to say in a natural voice, but the end word +shook a little, and Lord Robert was just behind, having run up the stairs +after me, so I fear he must have heard. + +"Miss Travers--please--" he implored, but I walked on up the next flight, +and Lady Ver put her hand on his arm and drew him down with her, and as I +got up to the fourth floor I heard the front door shut. + +And now they are gone and I am alone. My tiny room is comfortable, and the +fire is burning brightly. I have a big arm-chair and books, and this, my +journal, and all is cosey--only I feel so miserable. + +I won't cry and be a silly coward. + +Why, of course it is amusing to be free. And I am _not_ grieving over Mrs. +Carruthers's death--only perhaps I am lonely, and I wish I were at the +theatre. No, I don't--I--Oh, the thing I do wish is that--that--_no_, I +won't write it even. + +Good-night, journal! + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + Wednesday, _November 23d._ + + +Oh, how silly to want the moon! But that is evidently what is the matter +with me. Here I am in a comfortable house with a kind hostess, and no +immediate want of money, and yet I am restless, and sometimes unhappy. + +For the four days since I arrived Lady Ver has been so kind to me, taken +the greatest pains to try and amuse me and cheer me up. We have driven +about in her electric brougham and shopped, and agreeable people have been +to lunch each day, and I have had what I suppose is a _succès_. At least +she says so. + +I am beginning to understand things better, and it seems one must have no +real feelings, just as Mrs. Carruthers always told me, if one wants to +enjoy life. + +On two evenings Lady Ver has been out, with numbers of regrets at leaving +me behind, and I have gathered that she has seen Lord Robert, but he has +not been here, I am glad to say. + +I am real friends with the angels, who are delightful people, and very +well brought up. Lady Ver evidently knows much better about it than Mary +Mackintosh, although she does not talk in that way. + +I can't think what I am going to do next. I suppose soon this kind of +drifting will seem quite natural, but at present the position galls me for +some reason. I _hate_ to think people are being kind out of charity. How +very foolish of me, though! + +Lady Merrenden is coming to lunch to-morrow. I am interested to see her, +because Lord Robert said she was such a dear. I wonder what has become of +him. He has not been here--I wonder--No, I am _too_ silly. + +Lady Ver does not get up to breakfast, and I go into her room and have +mine on another little tray, and we talk, and she reads me bits out of her +letters. + +She seems to have a number of people in love with her--that must be nice. + +"It keeps Charlie always devoted," she said, "because he realizes he owns +what the other men want." + +She says, too, that all male creatures are fighters by nature; they don't +value things they obtain easily, and which are no trouble to keep. You +must always make them realize you will be off like a snipe if they relax +their efforts to please you for one moment. + +Of course there are heaps of humdrum ways of living, where the husband is +quite fond, but it does not make his heart beat, and Lady Ver says she +couldn't stay on with a man whose heart she couldn't make beat when she +wanted to. + +I am curious to see Sir Charles. + +They play bridge a good deal in the afternoon, and it amuses me a little +to talk nicely to the man who is out for the moment, and make him not want +to go back to the game. + +I am learning a number of things. + + + _Night._ + + +Mr. Carruthers came to call this afternoon. He was the last person I +expected to see when I went into the drawing-room after luncheon, to wait +for Lady Ver. I had my out-door things on, and a big black hat, which is +rather becoming, I am glad to say. + +"You here!" he exclaimed, as we shook hands. + +"Yes, why not me?" I said. + +He looked very self-contained and reserved, I thought, as if he had not +the least intention of letting himself go to display any interest. It +instantly aroused in me an intention to change all that. + +"Lady Verningham kindly asked me to spend a few days with her when we left +Tryland," I said, demurely. + +"Oh, you are staying here! Well, I was over at Tryland the day before +yesterday--an elaborate invitation from Lady Katherine to 'dine and sleep +quietly,' which I only accepted as I thought I should see you." + +"How good of you," I said, sweetly. "And did they not tell you I had gone +with Lady Verningham?" + +"Nothing of the kind. They merely announced that you had departed for +London, so I supposed it was your original design of Claridge's, and I +intended going round there some time to find you." + +Again I said it was so good of him, and I looked down. + +He did not speak for a second or two, and I remained perfectly still. + +"What are your plans?" he asked, abruptly. + +"I have no plans." + +"But you must have--that is ridiculous--you must have made some decision +as to where you are going to live!" + +"No, I assure you," I said, calmly, "when I leave here on Saturday I shall +just get into a cab and think of some place for it to take me to, I +suppose, as we turn down Park Lane." + +He moved uneasily, and I glanced at him up from under my hat. I don't know +why he does not attract me now as much as he did at first. There is +something so cold and cynical about his face. + +"Listen, Evangeline," he said, at last. "Something must be settled for +you. I cannot allow you to drift about like this. I am more or less your +guardian, you know--you must feel that." + +"I don't a bit," I said. + +"You impossible little--witch." He came closer. + +"Yes, Lady Verningham says I am a witch, and a snake, and all sorts of +bad, attractive things, and I want to go somewhere where I shall be able +to show these qualities. England is dull. What do you think of Paris?" + +Oh, it did amuse me launching forth these remarks; they would never come +into my head for any one else! + +He walked across the room and back. His face was disturbed. + +"You shall not go to Paris--alone. How can you even suggest such a thing?" +he said. + +I did not speak. He grew exasperated. + +"Your father's people are all dead, you tell me, and you know nothing of +your mother's relations. But who was she? What was her name? Perhaps we +could discover some kith and kin for you." + +"My mother was called Miss Tonkins," I said. + +"_Called_ Miss Tonkins?" + +"Yes." + +"Then it was not her name. What do you mean?" + +I hated these questions. + +"I suppose it was her name. I never heard she had another." + +"Tonkins," he said--"Tonkins," and he looked searchingly at me with his +monk-of-the-Inquisition air. + +I can be so irritating, not telling people things, when I like, and it was +quite a while before he elicited the facts from me, which Mrs. Carruthers +had often hurled at my head in moments of anger, that poor mamma's father +had been Lord de Brandreth and her mother, Heaven knows who! + +"So you see," I ended with, "I haven't any relations, after all, have I?" + +He sat down upon the sofa. + +"Evangeline, there is nothing for it; you must marry me," he said. + +I sat down opposite him. + +"Oh, you are funny!" I said. "You, a clever diplomat, to know so little of +women! Who in the world would accept such an offer?" and I laughed and +laughed. + +"What am I to do with you?" he exclaimed, angrily. + +"Nothing." I laughed still, and I looked at him with my +"affair-of-the-devil" look. He came over and forcibly took my hand. + +"Yes, you are a witch," he said--"a witch who casts spells and destroys +resolutions and judgments. I determined to forget you, and put you out of +my life--you are most unsuitable to me, you know--but as soon as I see you +I am filled with only one desire. I _must_ have you for myself. I want to +kiss you--to touch you. I want to prevent any other man from looking at +you--do you hear me, Evangeline?" + +"Yes, I hear," I said; "but it does not have any effect on me. You would +be awful as a husband. Oh, I know all about them!" and I looked up. "I saw +several sorts at Tryland, and Lady Verningham has told me of the rest, and +I know you would be no earthly good in that rôle!" + +He laughed, in spite of himself, but he still held my hand. + +"Describe their types to me, that I may see which I should be," he said, +with great seriousness. + +"There is the Mackintosh kind--humble and 'titsy pootsy,' and a sort of +under-nurse," I said. + +"That is not my size, I fear." + +"Then there is the Montgomerie--selfish and bullying, and near about +money." + +"But I am not Scotch." + +"No--well, Lord Kestervin was English, and he fussed and worried, and +looked out trains all the time." + +"I will have a groom of the chambers." + +"And they were all casual and indifferent to their poor wives--and +boresome--and bored! And one told long stories, and one was stodgy, and +one opened his wife's letters before she was down!" + +"Tell me the attributes of a perfect husband, then, that I may learn +them," he said. + +"They have to pay all the bills----" + +"Well, I could do that." + +"And they have not to interfere with one's movements. And one must be able +to make their hearts beat." + +"Well, you could do _that_!" and he bent nearer to me. I drew back. + +"And they have to take long journeys to the Rocky Mountains for months +together, with men friends." + +"Certainly not!" he exclaimed. + +"There, you see!" I said; "the most important part you don't agree to. +There is no use talking further." + +"Yes, there is! You have not said half enough. Have they to make your +heart beat, too?" + +"You are hurting my hand." + +He dropped it. + +"Have they?" + +"Lady Ver said no husband could do that. The fact of their being one kept +your heart quite quiet, and often made you yawn; but she said it was not +necessary, as long as you could make theirs so that they would do all you +asked." + +"Then do women's hearts never beat--did she tell you?" + +"Of course they beat. How simple you are for thirty years old! They beat +constantly for--oh--for people who are not husbands." + +"That is the result of your observations, is it? You are probably right +and I am a fool." + +"Some one said at lunch yesterday that a beautiful lady in Paris had her +heart beating for you," I said, looking at him again. + +He changed--so very little. It was not a start, or a wince even--just +enough for me to know he felt what I said. + +"People are too kind," he said. "But we have got no nearer the point. When +will you marry me?" + +"I shall marry you--never! Mr. Carruthers," I said, "unless I get into an +old maid soon and no one else asks me! Then if you go on your knees I may +put out the tip of my fingers, perhaps!" and I moved towards the door, +making him a sweeping and polite courtesy. + +He rushed after me. + +"Evangeline!" he exclaimed. "I am not a violent man as a rule; indeed, I +am rather cool, but you would drive any one perfectly mad. Some day some +one will strangle you--witch!" + +"Then I had better run away to save my neck," I said, laughing over my +shoulder as I opened the door and ran up the stairs, and I peeped at him +from the landing above. He had come out into the hall. "Good-bye," I +called, and, without waiting to see Lady Ver, he tramped down the stairs +and away. + +"Evangeline, what _have_ you been doing?" she asked, when I got into her +room, where her maid was settling her veil before the glass, and trembling +over it. Lady Ver is sometimes fractious with her--worse than I am with +Véronique, far. + +"Evangeline, you look naughtier than ever--confess at once." + +"I have been as good as gold," I said. + +"Then why are those two emeralds sparkling so, may one ask?" + +"They are sparkling with conscious virtue," I said, demurely. + +"You have quarrelled with Mr. Carruthers--go away, Welby! Stupid woman, +can't you see it catches my nose!" + +Welby retired meekly. (After she is cross, Lady Ver sends Welby to the +theatre. Welby adores her.) + +"Evangeline, how dare you! I see it all. I gathered bits from Robert. You +have quarrelled with the very man you must marry!" + +"What does Lord Robert know about me?" I said. That made me angry. + +"Nothing; he only said Mr. Carruthers admired you at Branches." + +"Oh!" + +"He is too attractive--Christopher! He is one of the 'married women's +pets,' as Ada Fairfax says, and has never spoken to a girl before. You +ought to be grateful we have let him look at you--minx!--instead of +quarrelling, as I can see you have." She rippled with laughter, while she +pretended to scold me. + +"Surely I may be allowed that chastened diversion!" I said. "I can't go to +theatres!" + +"Tell me about it," she commanded, tapping her foot. + +But early in Mrs. Carruthers's days I learned that one is wiser when one +keeps one's own affairs to one's self, so I fenced a little, and laughed, +and we went out to drive finally, without her being any the wiser. Going +into the park, we came upon a troop of the 3d Life Guards, who had been +escorting the king to open something, and there rode Lord Robert in his +beautiful clothes and a floating plume. He did look so lovely, and _my_ +heart suddenly began to beat--I could feel it, and was ashamed, and it did +not console me greatly to reflect that the emotion caused by a uniform is +not confined to nursemaids. + +Of course it must have been the uniform and the black horse--Lord Robert +is nothing to me. But I hate to think that, mamma's mother having been +nobody, I should have inherited these common instincts! + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + Thursday evening, _November 24th._ + + +Lady Merrenden is so nice--one of those kind faces that even a tight +fringe in a net does not spoil. She is tall and graceful, past fifty +perhaps, and has an expression of Lord Robert about the eyes. At luncheon +she was sweet to me at once, and did not look as if she thought I must be +bad just because I have red hair, like elderly ladies do generally. + +I felt I wanted to be good and nice directly. She did not allude to my +desolate position or say anything without tact, but she asked me to lunch +as if I had been a queen and would honor her by accepting. For some reason +I could see Lady Ver did not wish me to go--she made all sorts of excuses +about wanting me herself--but also, for some reason, Lady Merrenden was +determined I should, and finally settled it should be on Saturday, when +Lady Ver is going down to Northumberland to her father's, and I am +going--where? Alas! as yet I know not. + +When she had gone Lady Ver said old people without dyed hair or bridge +proclivities were tiresome, and she smoked three cigarettes, one after +the other as fast as she could. (Welby is going to the theatre again +to-night!) + +I said I thought Lady Merrenden was charming. She snapped my head off for +the first time, and then there was silence, but presently she began to +talk, and fix herself in a most becoming way on the sofa--we were in her +own sitting-room, a lovely place, all blue silk and French furniture and +attractive things. She said she had a cold and must stay in-doors. She had +changed immediately into a tea-gown, but I could not hear any cough. + +"Charlie has just wired he comes back to-night," she announced, at length. + +"How nice for you!" I sympathized; "you will be able to make his heart +beat!" + +"As a matter of fact, it is extremely inconvenient, and I want you to be +nice to him, and amuse him, and take his attention off me, like a pet, +Evangeline," she cooed; and then: "What a lovely afternoon for November! I +wish I could go for a walk in the park," she said. + +I felt it would be cruel to tease her further, and so announced my +intention of taking exercise in that way with the angels. + +"Yes, it will do you good, dear child," she said, brightly, "and I will +rest here and take care of my cold." + +"They have asked me to tea in the nursery," I said, "and I have accepted." + +"Jewel of a snake-girl!" she laughed--she is not thick. + +"Do you know the Torquilstone history?" she said, just as I was going out +of the door. + +I came back--why, I can't imagine, but it interested me. + +"Robert's brother--half-brother, I mean--the duke, is a cripple, you know, +and he is _toqué_ on one point too--their blue blood. He will never marry, +but he can cut Robert off with almost the bare title if he displeases +him." + +"Yes," I said. + +"Torquilstone's mother was one of the housemaids. The old duke married her +before he was twenty-one, and she, fortunately, joined her beery ancestors +a year or so afterwards; and then much later he married Robert's mother, +Lady Etheldrida Fitz Walter. There is sixteen years between them--Robert +and Torquilstone, I mean." + +"Then what is he _toqué_ about blue blood for, with a _tache_ like that?" +I asked. + +"That is just it. He thinks it is such a disgrace that even if he were +not a humpback he says he would never marry to transmit this stain to the +future Torquilstones--and if Robert ever marries any one without a +pedigree enough to satisfy an Austrian prince, he will disown him and +leave every sou to charity." + +"Poor Lord Robert!" I said, but I felt my cheeks burn. + +"Yes, is it not tiresome for him? So, of course, he cannot marry until his +brother's death, there is almost no one in England suitable." + +"It is not so bad, after all," I said; "there is always the delicious rôle +of the 'married woman's pet,' open to him, isn't there?" and I laughed. + +"Little cat!" but she wasn't angry. + +"I told you I only scratched when I was scratched first," I said, as I +went out of the room. + +The angels had started for their walk, and Véronique had to come with me +at first to find them. We were walking fast down the path beyond Stanhope +Gate, seeing their blue velvet pelisses in the distance, when we met Mr. +Carruthers. + +He stopped and turned with me. + +"Evangeline, I was so angry with you yesterday," he said. "I very nearly +left London and abandoned you to your fate, but now that I have seen you +again--" He paused. + +"You think Paris is a long way off!" I said, innocently. + +"What have they been telling you?" he said, sternly, but he was not quite +comfortable. + +"They have been saying it is a fine November, and the Stock Exchange is no +place to play in, and if it weren't for bridge they would all commit +suicide. That is what we talk of at Park Street." + +"You know very well what I mean. What have they been telling you about +me?" + +"Nothing, except that there is a charming French lady who adores you, and +whom you are devoted to--and I am so sympathetic. I like Frenchwomen, they +put on their hats so nicely." + +"What ridiculous gossip! I don't think Park Street is the place for you to +stay. I thought you had more mind than to chatter like this." + +"I suit myself to my company." I laughed, and waited for Véronique, who +had stopped respectfully behind. She came up reluctantly. She disapproves +of all English unconventionality, but she feels it her duty to encourage +Mr. Carruthers. + +"Should she run on and stop the young ladies," she suggested, pointing to +the angels in front. + +"Yes, do," said Mr. Carruthers, and before I could prevent her she was +off. + +Traitress! She was thinking of her own comfortable quarters at Branches, I +know. + +The sharp, fresh air got into my head. I felt gay, and without care. I +said heaps of things to Mr. Carruthers, just as I had once before to +Malcolm, only this was much more fun, because Mr. Carruthers isn't a +red-haired Scotchman and can see things. + +It seemed a day of meetings, for when we got down to the end we +encountered Lord Robert walking leisurely in our direction. He looked as +black as night when he caught sight of us. + +"Hello, Bob!" said Mr. Carruthers, cheerfully. "Ages since I saw you. Will +you come and dine to-night? I have a box for this winter opera that is on, +and I am trying to persuade Miss Travers to come. She says Lady Verningham +is not engaged to-night, she knows, and we might dine quietly and all go; +don't you think so?" + +Lord Robert said he would, but he added, "Miss Travers would never come +out before--she said she was in too deep mourning." He seemed aggrieved. + +"I am going to sit in the back of the box and no one will see me," I said. +"And I do love music so." + +"We had better let Lady Verningham know at once then," said Mr. +Carruthers. + +Lord Robert announced he was going there now, and would tell her. + +I knew that. The blue tea-gown with the pink roses, and the lace cap, and +the bad cold were not for nothing. (I wish I had not written this; it is +spiteful of me, and I am not spiteful, as a rule. It must be the east +wind.) + + + + + Thursday night, _November 24th._ + + +"Now that you have embarked upon this--" Lady Ver said, when I ventured +into her sitting-room, hearing no voices, about six o'clock. (Mr. +Carruthers had left me at the door at the end of our walk, and I had been +with the angels at tea ever since.) "Now that you have embarked upon this +opera, I say, you will have to dine at Willis's with us. I won't be in +when Charlie arrives from Paris. A blowy day like to-day his temper is +sure to be impossible." + +"Very well," I said. + +Of what use, after all, for an adventuress like me to have sensitive +feelings. + +"And I am leaving this house at a quarter to seven, I wish you to know, +Evangeline, pet," she called after me, as I flew off to dress. As a rule +Lady Ver takes a good hour to make herself into the attractive darling she +is in the evening. She has not to do much, because she is lovely by +nature, but she potters and squabbles with Welby, to divert herself, I +suppose. + +However, to-night, with the terror upon her of a husband fresh from a +rough Channel passage going to arrive at seven o'clock, she was actually +dressed and down in the hall when I got there punctually at 6.45, and in +the twinkle of an eye we were rolling in the electric to Willis's. I have +only been there once before, and that to lunch in Mrs. Carruthers's days +with some of the ambassadors; and it does feel gay going to a restaurant +at night. I felt more excited than ever in my life, and such a situation, +too! + +Lord Robert--_fruit défendu!_--and Mr. Carruthers--_empressé_--and to be +kept in bounds! + +More than enough to fill the hands of a maiden of sixteen fresh from a +convent, as old Count Someroff used to say when he wanted to express a +really difficult piece of work. + +They were waiting for us just inside the door, and again I noticed that +they were both lovely creatures, and both exceptionally distinguished +looking. + +Lady Ver nodded to a lot of people before we took our seats in a nice +little corner. She must have an agreeable time with so many friends. She +said something which sounds so true in one of our talks, and I thought of +it then. + +"It is wiser to marry the life you like, because after a little the man +doesn't matter." She has evidently done that, but I wish it could be +possible to have both--the man and the life. Well! Well! + +One has to sit rather close on those sofas, and as Lord Robert was not the +host, he was put by me. The other two at a right-angle to us. + +I felt exquisitely gay--in spite of having an almost high black dress on +and not even any violets. + +It was dreadfully difficult not to speak nicely to my neighbor, his +directness and simplicity are so engaging, but I did try hard to +concentrate myself on Christopher and leave him alone, only--I don't know +why--the sense of his being so near me made me feel, I don't quite know +what. However, I hardly spoke to him--Lady Ver shall never say I did not +play fair--though, insensibly, even she herself drew me into a friendly +conversation, and then Lord Robert looked like a happy school-boy. + +We had a delightful time. + +Mr. Carruthers is a perfect host. He has all the smooth and exquisite +manners of the old diplomats, without their false teeth and things. I wish +I were in love with him, or even I wish something inside me would only let +me feel it was my duty to marry him; but it jumps up at me every time I +want to talk to myself about it, and says, "Absolutely impossible." + +When it came to starting for the opera, "Mr. Carruthers will take you in +his brougham, Evangeline," Lady Ver said, "and I will be protected by +Robert. Come along, Robert," as he hesitated. + +"Oh, I say, Lady Ver!" he said, "I would love to come with you, but won't +it look rather odd for Miss Evangeline to arrive alone with Christopher? +Consider his character!" + +Lady Ver darted a glance of flame at him and got into the electric, while +Christopher, without hesitation, handed me into his brougham. Lord Robert +and I were two puppets, a part I do not like playing. + +I was angry altogether. She would not have dared to have left me go like +this if I had been any one who mattered. Mr. Carruthers got in, and tucked +his sable rug round me. I never spoke a word for a long time, and Covent +Garden is not far off, I told myself. I can't say why I had a sense of +_malaise_. + +There was a strange look in his face as a great lamp threw a light on it. +"Evangeline," he said, in a voice I have not yet heard, "when are you +going to finish playing with me? I am growing to love you, you know." + +"I am very sorry to hear it," I said, gently. "I don't want you to. Oh, +please _don't_!" as he took my hand. "I--I--if you only knew how I _hate_ +being touched!" + +He leaned back and looked at me. There is something which goes to the head +a little about being in a brougham with nice fur rugs alone with some one +at night. The lights flashing in at the windows, and that faint scent of a +very good cigar. I felt fearfully excited. If it had been Lord Robert, I +believe--well---- + +He leaned over very close to me. It seemed in another moment he would kiss +me, and what could I do then? I couldn't scream, or jump out in Leicester +Square, could I? + +"Why do you call me Evangeline?" I said, by way of putting him off. "I +never said you might." + +"Foolish child!--I shall call you what I please. You drive me mad. I don't +know what you were born for. Do you always have this effect on people?" + +"What effect?" I said, to gain time; we had got nearly into Long Acre. + +"An effect that causes one to lose all discretion. I feel I would give my +soul to hold you in my arms." + +I told him I did not think it was at all nice or respectful of him to talk +so--that I found such love revolting. + +"You tell me in your sane moments I am most unsuitable to you--you try to +keep away from me--and then when you get close you begin to talk this +stuff! I think it is an insult!" I said, angry and disdainful. "When I +arouse devotion and tenderness in some one, then I shall listen, but to +you and to this--never!" + +"Go on," he said. "Even in the dim light you look beautiful when cross." + +"I am not cross," I answered. "Only absolutely disgusted." + +By that time, thank goodness, we had got into the stream of carriages +close to the opera-house. Mr. Carruthers, however, seemed hardly to notice +this. + +"Darling," he said, "I will try not to annoy you; but you are so fearfully +provoking. I--tell you truly, no man would find it easy to keep cool with +you." + +"Oh, I don't know what it is, being cool, or not cool," I said, wearily. +"I am tired of every one. Even as tiny a thing as Malcolm Montgomerie gets +odd like this!" + +He leaned back and laughed, and then said, angrily: "Impertinence! I will +wring his neck!" + +"Thank Heaven we have arrived!" I exclaimed, as we drove under the +portico. I gave a great sigh of relief. + +Really, men are very trying and tiresome, and if I shall always have to +put up with these scenes through having red hair, I almost wish it were +mouse-colored, like Cicely Parker's. Mrs. Carruthers often said, "You +need not suppose, Evangeline, that you are going to have a quiet life with +your coloring; the only thing one can hope for is that you will screw on +your head." + +Lady Ver and Lord Robert were already in the hall waiting for us, but the +second I saw them I knew she had been saying something to Lord Robert. His +face, so gay and _debonnaire_ all through dinner, now looked set and +stern, and he took not the slightest notice of me as we walked to the +box--the big one next the stage on the pit tier. + +Lady Ver appeared triumphant--her eyes were shining with big blacks in the +middle, and such bright spots of pink in her cheeks--she looked lovely; +and I can't think why, but I suddenly felt I hated her. It was horrid of +me, for she was so kind, and settled me in the corner behind the curtain +where I could see and not be seen, rather far back, while she and Lord +Robert were quite in the front. It was "Carmen"--the opera. I had never +seen it before. + +Music has such an effect--every note seems to touch some emotion in me. I +feel wicked, or good, or exalted, or--or--oh, some queer feeling that I +don't know what it is--a kind of electric current down my back, and as +if--as if I would like to love some one and have them to kiss me. Oh, it +sounds perfectly dreadful what I have written, but I can't help it--that +is what some music does to me, and I said always I should tell the truth +here. + +From the very beginning note to the end I was feeling--feeling--Oh, how I +understand her--Carmen!--_fruit défendu_ attracted her so--the beautiful, +wicked, fascinating snake. I also wanted to dance, and to move like that, +and I unconsciously quivered perhaps. I was cold as ice, and fearfully +excited. The back of Lord Robert's beautifully set head impeded my view at +times. How exquisitely groomed he is! And one could see at a glance _his_ +mother had not been a housemaid! I never have seen anything look so well +bred as he does. + +Lady Ver was talking to him in a cooing, low voice after the first act, +and the second act, and indeed even when the third act had begun. He +seemed much more _empressé_ with her than he generally does. It--it hurt +me, that and the music and the dancing, and Mr. Carruthers whispering +passionate little words at intervals, even though I paid no attention to +them; but altogether I, too, felt a kind of madness. + +Suddenly Lord Robert turned round, and for five seconds looked at me, his +lovely, expressive blue eyes swimming with wrath and reproach and--oh, how +it hurt me!--contempt. Christopher was leaning over the back of my chair, +quite close, in a devoted attitude. + +Lord Robert did not speak, but if a look could wither I must have turned +into a dead oak-leaf. It awoke some devil in me. What had _I_ done to be +annihilated so! _I_ was playing perfectly fair--keeping my word to Lady +Ver, and--oh, I felt as if it were breaking my heart. + +But that look of Lord Robert's! It drove me to distraction, and every +instinct to be wicked and attractive that I possess came up in me. I +leaned over to Lady Ver, so that I must be close to him, and I said little +things to her, never one word to him; but I moved my seat, making it +certain the corner of his eye must catch sight of me, and I allowed my +shoulders to undulate the faintest bit to that Spanish music. Oh, I can +dance as Carmen, too! Mrs. Carruthers had me taught every time we went to +Paris. She loved to see it herself. + +I could hear Christopher breathing very quickly. "My God!" he whispered, +"a man would go to hell for you." + +Lord Robert got up abruptly and went out of the box. + +Then it was as if Don José's dagger plunged into my heart, not Carmen's. +That sounds high-flown, but I mean it--a sudden, sick, cold sensation, as +if everything was numb. Lady Ver turned round pettishly to Christopher. +"What on earth is the matter with Robert?" she said. + +"There is a Persian proverb which asserts a devil slips in between two +winds," said Christopher. "Perhaps that is what has happened in this box +to-night." + +Lady Ver laughed harshly, and I sat there still as death. And all the time +the music and the movement on the stage went on. I am glad she is murdered +in the end--glad! Only I would like to have seen the blood gush out. I am +fierce--fierce--sometimes. + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + Friday morning, _November 25th._ + + +I know just the meaning of dust and ashes, for that is what I felt I had +had for breakfast this morning, the day after "Carmen." + +Lady Ver had given orders she was not to be disturbed, so I did not go +near her, and crept down to the dining-room, quite forgetting the master +of the house had arrived. There he was, a strange, tall, lean man with +fair hair, and sad, cross, brown eyes, and a nose inclined to pink at the +tip--a look of indigestion about him, I feel sure. He was sitting in front +of a _Daily Telegraph_ propped up on the teapot, and some cold, untasted +sole on his plate. + +I came forward. He looked very surprised. + +"I--I'm Evangeline Travers," I announced. + +He said "How d'you do?" awkwardly. One could see without a notion what +that meant. + +"I'm staying here," I continued. "Did you not know?" + +"Then won't you have some breakfast? Beastly cold, I fear," politeness +forced him to utter. "No, Ianthe never writes to me. I had not heard any +news for a fortnight, and I have not seen her yet." + +Manners have been drummed into me from early youth, so I said, politely, +"You only arrived from Paris late last night, did you not?" + +"I got in about seven o'clock, I think," he replied. + +"We had to leave so early--we were going to the opera," I said. + +"A Wagner that begins at unearthly hours, I suppose?" he murmured, +absently. + +"No, it was 'Carmen,' but we dined first with my--my--guardian, Mr. +Carruthers." + +"Oh!" + +We both ate for a little. The tea was greenish black--and lukewarm. No +wonder he has dyspepsia. + +"Are the children in, I wonder?" he hazarded, presently. + +"Yes," I said. "I went to the nursery and saw them as I came down." + +At that moment the three angels burst into the room, but came forward +decorously and embraced their parent. They do not seem to adore him as +they do Lady Ver. + +"Good-morning, papa," said the eldest, and the other two repeated it in +chorus. "We hope you have slept well and had a nice passage across the +sea." + +They evidently had been drilled outside. + +Then, nature getting uppermost, they patted him patronizingly. + +"Daddie, darling, have you brought us any new dolls from Paris?" + +"And I want one with red hair, like Evangeline," said Yseult, the +youngest. + +Sir Charles seemed bored and uncomfortable; he kissed his three exquisite +bits of Dresden china, so like and yet unlike himself--they have Lady +Ver's complexion, but brown eyes and golden hair like his. + +"Yes; ask Harbottle for the packages," he said. "I have no time to talk to +you. Tell your mother I will be in for lunch," and making excuses to me +for leaving so abruptly--an appointment in the City--he shuffled out of +the room. + +I wonder how Lady Ver makes his heart beat! I _don't_ wonder she +prefers--Lord Robert. + +"Why is papa's nose so red?" said Yseult. + +"Hush!" implored Mildred. "Poor papa has come off the sea." + +"I don't love papa," said Corisande, the middle one. "He's cross, and +sometimes he makes darling mummie cry." + +"We must always love papa," chanted Mildred, in a lesson voice. "We must +always love our parents, and grandmamma, and grandpapa, and aunts and +cousins--amen." The "amen" slipped out unawares, and she looked confused, +and corrected herself when she had said it. + +"Let's find Harbottle. Harbottle is papa's valet," Corisande said, "and he +is much thoughtfuller than papa. Last time he brought me a Highland boy +doll, though papa had forgotten I asked for it." + +They all three went out of the room, first kissing me, and courtesying +sweetly when they got to the door. They are never rude or boisterous, the +three angels--I love them. + +Left alone, I did feel like a dead fish. The column "London Day by Day" +caught my eye in the _Daily Telegraph_, and I idly glanced down it, not +taking in the sense of the words, until "The Duke of Torquilstone has +arrived at Vavasour House, St. James's, from abroad," I read. + +Well, what did it matter to me--what did anything matter to me?--Lord +Robert had met us in the hall again, as we were coming out of the opera; +he looked very pale, and he apologized to Lady Ver for his abrupt +departure. He had got a chill, he said, and had gone to have a glass of +brandy, and was all right now, and would we not come to supper, and +various other _empressé_ things, looking at her with the greatest +devotion. I might not have existed. + +She was capricious, as she sometimes is. "No, Robert, I am going home to +bed. I have got a chill, too," she said. + +And the footman announcing the electric at that moment, we flew off and +left them, Christopher having fastened my sable collar with an air of +possession which would have irritated me beyond words at another time, but +I felt cold and dead, and utterly numb. + +Lady Ver did not speak a word on the way back, and kissed me frigidly as +she went into her room; then she called out: + +"I am tired, snake-girl; don't think I am cross. Good-night." And so I +crept up to bed. + +To-morrow is Saturday and my visit ends. After my lunch with Lady +Merrenden, I am a wanderer on the face of the earth. + +Where shall I wander to? I feel I want to go away by myself, away where I +shall not see a human being who is English. I want to forget what they +look like; I want to shut out of my sight their well-groomed heads; I +want--oh, I do not know what I do want. + +Shall I marry Mr. Carruthers? He would eat me up, and then go back to +Paris to the lady he loves. But I should have the life I like--and the +Carruthers's emeralds are beautiful--and I love Branches--and--and---- + +"Her ladyship would like to see you, miss," said a footman. + +So I went up the stairs. + +Lady Ver was in a darkened room, soft pink blinds right down beyond the +half-drawn blue silk curtains. + +"I have a fearful head, Evangeline," she said. + +"Then I will smooth your hair," and I climbed up behind her and began to +run over her forehead with the tips of my fingers. + +"You are really a pet, snake-girl," she said, "and you can't help it." + +"I can't help what?" + +"Being a witch. I knew you would hurt me when I first saw you, and I tried +to protect myself by being kind to you." + +"Oh, dear Lady Ver!" I said, deeply moved. "I would not hurt you for the +world, and indeed you misjudge me. I have kept the bargain to the very +letter--and spirit." + +"Yes, I know you have to the letter, at least, but why did Robert go out +of the box last night?" she demanded, wearily. + +"He said he had got a chill, did not he?" I replied, lamely. She clasped +her hands passionately. + +"A chill! You don't know Robert. He never had a chill in his life," she +said. "Oh, he is the dearest, dearest being in the world. He makes me +believe in good and all things honest. He isn't vicious, and isn't a prig, +and he knows the world, and he lives in its ways like the rest of us, and +yet he doesn't begin by thinking every woman is fair game and undermining +what little self-respect she may have left to her." + +"Yes," I said. I found nothing else to say. + +"If I had had a husband like that I would never have yawned," she went on; +"and besides, Robert is too masterful and would be too jealous to let one +divert one's self with another." + +"Yes," I said again, and continued to smooth her forehead. + +"He has sentiment, too--he is not matter-of-fact and brutal--and oh, you +should see him on a horse!--he is too, too beautiful." She stretched out +her arms in a movement of weariness that was pathetic and touched me. + +"You have known him a long, long time?" I said, gently. + +"Perhaps five years, but only casually until this season. I was busy with +some one else before. I have played with so many." Then she roused +herself up. "But Robert is the only one who has never made love to me. +Always dear and sweet, and treating me like a queen, as if I were too high +for that, and having his own way, and not caring a pin for any one's +opinion. And I have wanted him to make love to me often. But now I realize +it is no use. Only, you sha'n't have him, snake-girl! I told him as we +were going to the opera you were as cold as ice, and were playing with +Christopher, and I am going to take him down to Northumberland with me +to-morrow out of your way. He shall be my devoted friend, at any rate. You +would break his heart, and I shall still hold you to your promise." + +I said nothing. + +"Do you hear? I say: _You_ would break his heart. He would be only capable +of loving straight to the end. The kind of love any other woman would die +for--but--you--You are Carmen." + +At all events, not _she_, nor any other woman, shall ever see what I am or +am not. My heart is not for them to peck at. So I said, calmly: + +"Carmen was stabbed!" + +"And serve her right! Fascinating, fiendish demon!" Then she laughed, her +mood changing. + +"Did you see Charlie?" she said. + +"We breakfasted together." + +"Cheerful person, isn't he?" + +"No," I said. "He looked cross and ill." + +"Ill!" she said, with a shade of anxiety. "Oh, you only mean dyspeptic." + +"Perhaps." + +"Well, he always does when he comes from Paris. If you could go into his +room and see the row of photographs on his mantelpiece, you might guess +why." + +"Pictures of 'Sole Dieppoise' and 'Poulet à la Victoria aux Truffes,' no +doubt," I hazarded. + +She doubled up with laughter. "Yes, just that," she said. "Well, he adores +me in his way, and will bring me a new Cartier ring to make up for it--you +will see at luncheon." + +"He is a perfect husband, then." + +"About the same as you will find Christopher. Only Christopher will start +by being an exquisite lover. There is nothing he does not know, and +Charlie has not an idea of that part. Heavens!--the dulness of my +honeymoon!" + +"Mrs. Carruthers said all honeymoons were only another parallel to going +to the dentist or being photographed. Necessary evils to be got through +for the sake of the results." + +"The results!" + +"Yes, the nice house and the jewels and the other things." + +"Oh! Yes, I suppose she was right, but if one had married Robert one would +have had both." She did not say both what--but oh, I knew! + +"You think Mr. Carruthers will make a fair husband, then?" I asked. + +"You will never really know Christopher. I have been acquainted with him +for years. You will never feel he would tell you the whole truth about +anything. He is an epicure, and an analyst of sensations. I don't know if +he has any gods--he does not believe in them if he has; he believes in no +one, and nothing, but perhaps himself. He is violently in love with you +for the moment, and he wants to marry you, because he cannot obtain you on +any other terms." + +"You are flattering," I said, rather hurt. + +"I am truthful. You will probably have a delightful time with him, and +keep him devoted to you for years, because you are not in love with him; +and he will take good care you do not look at any one else. I can imagine +if one were in love with Christopher he would break one's heart, as he has +broken poor Alicia Verney's." + +"Oh, but how silly! People don't have broken hearts now; you are talking +like out of a book, dear Lady Ver." + +"There are a few cases of broken hearts, but they are not for book +reasons--of death and tragedy, etc.--they are because we cannot have what +we want, or keep what we have--" and she sighed. + +We did not speak for a few minutes, then she said, quite gayly: + +"You have made my head better; your touch is extraordinary; in spite of +all, I like you, snake-girl. You are not found on every gooseberry-bush." + +We kissed lightly, and I left her and went to my room. + +Yes, the best thing I can do is to marry Christopher. I care for him so +little that the lady in Paris won't matter to me, even if she is like Sir +Charles's "Poulet à la Victoria aux Truffes." He is such a gentleman, he +will at least be kind to me and refined and considerate--and the +Carruthers emeralds are divine, and just my stones. I shall have them +reset by Cartier. The lace, too, will suit me, and the sables, and I shall +have the suite that Mrs. Carruthers used at Branches done up with pale, +pale green, and burn all the early Victorians! And no doubt existence +will be full of triumphs and pleasure. + +But oh--I wish--I wish it were possible to obtain--"both!" + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + _Friday night._ + + +Luncheon passed off very well. Sir Charles returned from the City improved +in temper, and, as Lady Ver had predicted, presented her with a Cartier +jewel. It was a brooch, not a ring, but she was delighted, and purred to +him. + +He was a little late, and we were seated, a party of eight, when he came +in. They all chaffed him about Paris, and he took it quite +good-humoredly--he even seemed pleased. He has no wit, but he looks like a +gentleman, and I dare say as husbands go he is suitable. + +I am getting quite at home in the world, and can speak to any one. I +listen, and I do not talk much, only when I want to say something that +makes them think. + +A very nice man sat next me to-day; he reminded me of the old generals at +Branches. We had quite a war of wits, and it stimulated me. + +He told me, among other things, when he discovered who I was, that he had +known papa--papa was in the same Guards with him--and that he was the +best-looking man of his day. Numbers of women were in love with him, he +said, but he was a faithless being, and rode away. + +"He probably enjoyed himself--don't you think so?--and he had the good +luck to die in his zenith," I said. + +"He was once engaged to Lady Merrenden, you know. She was Lady Sophia +Vavasour then, and absolutely devoted to him, but Mrs. Carruthers came +between them and carried him off--she was years older than he was, too, +and as clever as paint." + +"Poor papa seems to have been a weak creature, I fear." + +"All men are weak," he said. + +"And then he married and left Mrs. Carruthers, I suppose?" I asked. I +wanted to hear as much as I could. + +"Ye-e-s," said my old colonel. "I was best man at the wedding." + +"And what was she like, my mamma?" + +"She was the loveliest creature I ever saw," he said--"as lovely as you, +only you are the image of your father, all but the hair--his was fair." + +"No one has ever said I was lovely before. Oh, I am so glad if you think +so," I said. It did please me. I have often been told I am attractive and +extraordinary, and wonderful and divine, but never just lovely. He would +not say any more about my parents, except that they hadn't a sou to live +on, and were not very happy--Mrs. Carruthers took care of that. + +Then, as every one was going, he said: "I am awfully glad to have met you. +We must be pals, for the sake of old times," and he gave me his card for +me to keep his address, and told me if ever I wanted a friend to send him +a line--Colonel Tom Carden, The Albany. + +I promised I would. + +"You might give me away at my wedding," I said, gayly. "I am thinking of +getting married, some day!" + +"That I will," he promised; "and, by Jove! the man will be a fortunate +fellow." + +Lady Ver and I drove after luncheon--me paid some calls, and went in to +tea with the Montgomeries, who had just arrived at Brown's Hotel for a +week's shopping. + +"Aunt Katherine brings those poor girls up always at this time, and takes +them to some impossible old dressmaker of her own in the daytime, and to +Shakespeare or a concert at night, and returns with them equipped in more +hideous garments each year. It is positively cruel," said Lady Ver, as we +went up the stairs to their _appartement_. + +There they were, sitting round the tea-table just as at Tryland--Kirstie +and Jean embroidering and knitting, and the other two reading new +catalogues of books for their work. + +Lady Ver began to tease them. She asked them all sorts of questions about +their new frocks, and suggested they had better go to Paris once in a way. +Lady Katherine was like ice. She strongly disapproved of my being with her +niece, one could see. + +The connection with the family she hoped would be ended with my visit to +Tryland. Malcolm was arriving in town, too, we gathered, and Lady Ver left +a message to ask him to dine to-night. + +Then we got away. + +"If one of those lumps of suet had a spark of spirit they would go +straight to the devil," Lady Ver said as we went down the stairs. "Think +of it--ties and altar-cloths in London! Mercifully they could not dine +to-night. I had to ask them, and they generally come once while they are +up--the four girls and Aunt Katherine--and it is with the greatest +difficulty I can collect four young men for them if they get the least +hint whom they are to meet. I generally secure a couple of socially +budding Jews, because I feel the subscriptions for their charities which +they will pester whoever they do sit next for are better filched from the +Hebrew than from some pretty, needy Guardsman. Oh, what a life!" + +She was so kind to me on the way back; she said she hated leaving me alone +on the morrow, and that I must settle now what I was going to do or she +would not go. I said I would go to Claridge's, where Mrs. Carruthers and I +had always stayed, and remain quietly alone with Véronique. I could afford +it for a week. So we drove there and made the arrangement. + +"It is absolutely impossible for you to go on like this, dear child," she +said. "You must have a chaperone; you are far too pretty to stay alone in +a hotel. What _can_ I do for you?" + +I felt so horribly uncomfortable I was really at my wits' end. Oh, it is +no fun being an adventuress, after all, if you want to keep your friends +of the world as well. + +"Perhaps it won't matter if I don't see any one for a few days," I said. +"I will write to Paris. My old mademoiselle is married there to a +flourishing poet, I believe--perhaps she would take me as a paying guest +for a little." + +"That is very visionary--a French poet! Horrible, long-haired, frowsy +creature! Impossible! Surely you see how necessary it is for you to marry +Christopher as soon as you can, Evangeline, don't you?" she said, and I +was obliged to admit there were reasons. + +"The truth is, you can't be the least eccentric or unconventional if you +are good-looking and unmarried," she continued. "You may snap your fingers +at society, but if you do you won't have a good time, and all the men will +either foolishly champion you or be impertinent to you." + +"Oh, I realize it," I said, and there was a lump in my throat. + +"I shall write to Christopher to-morrow," she went on, "and thank him for +our outing last night, and I shall say something nice about you and your +loneliness, and that he, as a kind of relation, may go and see you on +Sunday, as long as he doesn't make love to you, and he can take you to the +Zoo--don't see him in your sitting-room. That will give him just the extra +fillip, and he will go, and you will be demure, and then by those +stimulating lions' and tigers' cages you can plight your troth. It will be +quite respectable. Wire to me at once on Monday to Sedgwick, and you must +come back to Park Street directly I return on Thursday, if it is all +settled." + +I thanked her as well as I could. She was quite ingenuous and quite +sincere. I should be a welcome guest as Christopher's fiancée, and there +was no use my feeling bitter about it--she was quite right. + +As I put my hand on Malcolm's skinny arm going down to the dining-room, +the only consolation was my fate had not got to be him. I would rather be +anything in the world than married to that! + +I tried to be agreeable to Sir Charles. We were only a party of six. An +old Miss Harpenden, who goes everywhere to play bridge, and Malcolm, and +one of Lady Ver's young men, and I. Sir Charles is absent, and brings +himself back. He fiddles with the knives and forks, and sprawls on the +table rather, too. He looks at Lady Ver with admiration in his eyes. It is +true, then, in the intervals of Paris, I suppose, she can make his heart +beat. + +Malcolm made love to me after dinner. We were left to talk when the others +sat down to bridge in the little drawing-room. + +"I missed you so terribly, Miss Travers," he said, priggishly, "when you +left us that I realized I was extremely attracted by you." + +"No, you don't say so!" I said, innocently. "Could one believe a thing +like that?" + +"Yes," he said, earnestly. "You may, indeed, believe it." + +"Do not say it so suddenly, then," I said, turning my head away so that he +could not see how I was laughing. "You see, to a red-haired person like me +these compliments go to my head." + +"Oh, I do not want to flurry you," he said, affably. "I know I have been a +good deal sought after--perhaps on account of my possessions"--this with +arrogant modesty--"but I am willing to lay everything at your feet if you +will marry me." + +"Everything?" I asked. + +"Yes, everything." + +"You are too good, Mr. Montgomerie--but what would your mother say?" + +He looked uneasy and slightly unnerved. + +"My mother, I fear, has old-fashioned notions, but I am sure if you went +to her dressmaker--you--you would look different." + +"Should you like me to look different, then? You wouldn't recognize me, +you know, if I went to her dressmaker." + +"I like you just as you are," he said, with an air of great condescension. + +"I am overcome," I said, humbly. "But--but--what is this story I hear +about Miss Angela Grey? A lady, I see in the papers, who dances at the +Gaiety, is it not? Are you sure she will permit you to make this +declaration without her knowledge?" + +He became petrified. + +"Who has told you about her?" he asked. + +"No one," I said. "Jean said your father was angry with you on account of +a horse of that name, but I chanced to see it in the list of attractions +at the Gaiety, so I conclude it is not a horse; and if you are engaged to +her, I don't think it is quite right of you to try and break my heart." + +"Oh, Evangeline--Miss Travers!" he spluttered. "I am greatly attached to +you--the other was only a pastime--a--a--Oh, we men, you know--young +and--and--run after--have our temptations, you know. You must think +nothing about it. I will never see her again, except just to finally say +good-bye. I promise you." + +"Oh, I could not do a mean thing like that, Mr. Montgomerie," I said. "You +must not think of behaving so on my account. I am not altogether +heartbroken, you know; in fact, I rather think of getting married, +myself." + +He bounded up. + +"Oh, you have deceived me, then!" he said, in self-righteous wrath. "After +all I said to you that evening at Tryland, and what you promised then! +Yes, you have grossly deceived me." + +I could not say I had not listened to a word he had said that night and +was utterly unconscious of what I had promised. Even his self-appreciation +did not deserve such a blow as that, so I softened my voice and natural +anger at his words, and said, quite gently: + +"Do not be angry. If I have unconsciously given you a wrong impression I +am sorry, but if one came to talking of deceiving, you have deceived me +about Miss Grey, so do not let us speak further upon the matter. We are +quits. Now, won't you be friends as you have always been?" and I put out +my hand and smiled frankly in his face. The mean little lines in it +relaxed, he pulled himself together, and took my hand and pressed it +warmly. From which I knew there was more in the affair of Angela Grey than +met the eye. + +"Evangeline," he said. "I shall always love you; but Miss Grey is an +estimable young woman--there is not a word to be said against her moral +character--and I have promised her my hand in marriage, so perhaps we had +better say good-bye." + +"Good-bye," I said; "but I consider I have every reason to feel insulted +by your offer, which was not, judging from your subsequent remarks, worth +a moment's thought." + +"Oh, but I love you!" he said, and by his face, for the time, this was +probably true. So I did not say any more, and we rose and joined the +bridge players. And I contrived that he should not speak to me again alone +before he said good-night. + +"Did Malcolm propose to you?" Lady Ver asked as we came up to bed. "I +thought I saw a look in his eye at dinner." + +I told her he had done it in a kind of a way, with a reservation in favor +of Miss Angela Grey. + +"That is too dreadful!" she said. "There is a regular epidemic in some of +the Guards regiments just now to marry these poor, common things with high +moral characters and indifferent feet. But I should have thought the +cuteness of the Scot would have protected Malcolm from their designs. Poor +Aunt Katherine!" + + + + + CLARIDGE'S, + + Saturday, _November 26th._ + + +Lady Ver went off early to the station to catch her train to +Northumberland this morning, and I hardly saw her to say good-bye. She +seemed out of temper, too, on getting a note--she did not tell me who it +was from or what it was about, only she said immediately after that I was +not to be stupid. "Do not play with Christopher further," she said, "or +you will lose him. He will certainly come and see you to-morrow. He wrote +to me this morning in answer to mine of last night, but he says he won't +go to the Zoo, so you will have to see him in your sitting-room, after +all. He will come about four." + +I did not speak. + +"Evangeline," she said, "promise me you won't be a fool." + +"I--won't be a fool," I said. + +Then she kissed me and was off, and a few moments after I also started for +Claridge's. + +I have a very nice little suite right up at the top, and if only it were +respectable for me, and I could afford it, I could live here very +comfortably by myself for a long time. + +At a quarter to two I was ringing the bell at 200 Carlton House +Terrace--Lady Merrenden's house--with a strange feeling of excitement and +interest. Of course, it must have been because once she had been engaged +to papa. In the second thoughts take to flash, I remembered Lord Robert's +words when I talked of coming to London alone at Branches--how he would +bring me here, and how she would be kind to me until I could "hunt round." + +Oh, it came to me with a sudden stab. He was leaning over Lady Ver in the +northern train by now. + +Such a stately, beautiful hall it is when the doors open, with a fine +staircase going each way, and full of splendid pictures, and the whole +atmosphere pervaded with an air of refinement and calm. + +The footmen are tall, and not too young, and even at this time of the year +have powdered hair. + +Lady Merrenden was up-stairs in the small drawing-room, and she rose to +meet me, a book in her hand, when I was announced. + +Her manners are so beautiful in her own home--gracious, and not the least +patronizing. + +"I am so glad to see you," she said. "I hope you won't be bored, but I +have not asked any one to meet you, only my nephew Torquilstone is +coming. He is a great sufferer, poor fellow, and numbers of faces worry +him at times----" + +I said I was delighted to see her alone. No look more kind could be +expressed in a human countenance than is expressed in hers. She has the +same exceptional appearance of breeding that Lord Robert has--tiny ears +and wrists and head; even dressed as a char-woman Lady Merrenden would +look like a great lady. + +Very soon we were talking without the least restraint. She did not speak +of people or of very deep things, but it gave one the impression of an +elevated mind and a knowledge of books, and wide thoughts. Oh, I could +love her so easily. + +We had been talking for nearly a quarter of an hour. She had incidentally +asked me where I was staying now, and had not seemed surprised or shocked +when I said Claridge's, and by myself. + +All she said was: "What a lonely little girl! But I dare say it is very +restful sometimes to be by one's self, only you must let your friends come +and see you, won't you?" + +"I don't think I have any friends," I said. "You see, I have been out so +little, but if you would come and see me--oh, I should be so grateful." + +"Then you must count me as one of your rare friends!" she said. + +Nothing could be so rare or so sweet as her smile. Fancy papa throwing +over this angel for Mrs. Carruthers! Men are certainly unaccountable +creatures. + +I said I would be too honored to have her for a friend, and she took my +hand. + +"You bring back the long ago," she said. "My name is Evangeline, +too--Sophia Evangeline--and I sometimes think you may have been called so +in remembrance of me." + +What a strange, powerful factor love must be! Here were these two women, +Mrs. Carruthers and Lady Merrenden--the very opposites of each other--and +they had evidently both adored papa, and both, according to their natures, +had taken an interest in me in consequence, the child of a third woman who +had superseded them both! Papa must have been extraordinarily fascinating, +for to the day of her death Mrs. Carruthers had his miniature on her +table, with a fresh rose beside it--his memory the only soft spot, it +seemed, in her hard heart. + +And this sweet lady's eyes melted in tenderness when she spoke of the long +ago, although she does not know me well enough yet to say anything +further. To me papa's picture is nothing so very wonderful--just a +good-looking young Guardsman, with eyes shaped like mine, only gray, and +light, curly hair. He must have had "a way with him," as the servants say. + +At that moment the Duke of Torquilstone came in. Oh, such a sad sight! + +A poor, humpbacked man, with a strong face and head and a soured, +suspicious, cynical expression. He would evidently have been very tall but +for his deformity--a hump stands out on his back almost like Mr. Punch. He +can't be much over forty, but he looks far older; his hair is quite gray. + +Not a line or an expression in him reminded me of Lord Robert, I am glad +to say. + +Lady Merrenden introduced us, and Lord Merrenden came in then, too, and we +all went down to luncheon. + +It was a rather small table, so we were all near one another and could +talk. + +The dining-room is immense. + +"I always have this little table when we are such a small party," Lady +Merrenden said. "It is more cosey, and one does not feel so isolated." + +How I agreed with her! + +The duke looked at me searchingly, often, with his shrewd little eyes. +One could not say if it was with approval or disapproval. + +Lord Merrenden talked about politics and the questions of the day. He has +a courteous manner, and all their voices are soft and refined. And nothing +could have been more smooth and silent than the service. + +The luncheon was very simple and very good, but not half the number of +rich dishes like at Branches, or Lady Ver's. There was only one bowl of +violets on the table, but the bowl was gold, and a beautiful shape, and +the violets nearly as big as pansies. My eyes wandered to the +pictures--Gainsborough's and Reynolds's and Romney's--of stately men and +women. + +"You met my other nephew, Lord Robert, did you not?" Lady Merrenden said, +presently. "He told me he had gone to Branches, where I believe you +lived." + +"Yes," I said, and--oh, it is too humiliating to write!--I felt my cheeks +get crimson at the mention of Lord Robert's name. What could she have +thought? Can anything be so young-ladylike and ridiculous! + +"He came to the opera with us the night before last," I continued. "Mr. +Carruthers had a box, and Lady Verningham and I went with them." Then, +recollecting how odd this must sound in my deep mourning, I added, "I am +so fond of music." + +"So is Robert," she said. "I am sure he must have been pleased to meet a +kindred spirit there." + +Sweet, charming, kind lady! If she only knew what emotions were really +agitating us in that box that night! I fear the actual love of music was +the least of them. + +The duke, during this conversation and from the beginning mention of Lord +Robert's name, never took his eyes off my face--it was very disconcerting; +his look was clearer now, and it was certainly disapproving. + +We had coffee up-stairs, out of such exquisite Dresden cups, and then Lord +Merrenden showed me some miniatures. Finally it happened that the duke and +I were left alone for a minute looking out of a window onto the Mall. + +His eyes pierced me through and through. Well, at all events, my nose and +my ears and my wrists are as fine as Lady Merrenden's--poor mamma's odd +mother does not show in me on the outside, thank goodness! He did not say +much, only commonplaces about the view. I felt afraid of him, and rather +depressed. I am sure he dislikes me. + +"May I not drive you somewhere?" my kind hostess said. "Or, if you have +nowhere in particular to go, will you come with me?" + +I said I should be delighted. An ache of loneliness was creeping over me. +I wanted to put off as long as possible getting back to the hotel. I +wanted to distract my thoughts from dwelling upon to-morrow and what I was +going to say to Christopher. To-morrow--that seems the end of the world! + +She has beautiful horses, Lady Merrenden, and the whole turn-out, except +she herself, is as smart as can be. She really looks a little frumpish +out-of-doors, and perhaps that is why papa went on to Mrs. Carruthers. +Goodness and dearness like this do not suit male creatures as well as +caprice, it seems. + +She was so good to me, and talked in the nicest way. I quite forgot I was +a homeless wanderer, and arrived at Claridge's about half-past four in +almost good spirits. + +"You won't forget I am to be one of your friends," Lady Merrenden said, as +I bid her good-bye. + +"Indeed I won't," I replied, and she drove off, smiling at me. + +I do wonder what she will think of my marriage with Christopher. + +Now it is night. I have had a miserable, lonely dinner in my +sitting-room. Véronique has been most gracious and coddling--she feels Mr. +Carruthers in the air, I suppose--and so I must go to bed. + +Oh, why am I not happy, and why don't I think this is a delightful and +unusual situation, as I once would have done? I only feel depressed and +miserable, and as if I wished Christopher at the bottom of the sea. I have +told myself how good-looking he is, and how he attracted me at Branches, +but that was before--Yes, I may as well write what I was going to--before +Lord Robert arrived. Well, he and Lady Ver are talking together on a nice +sofa by now, I suppose, in a big, well-lit drawing-room, and--Oh, I +_wish_, I _wish_ I had never made any bargain with her--perhaps, now, in +that case--Ah, well---- + + + _Sunday afternoon._ + + +No, I can't bear it. All the morning I have been in a fever, first hot and +then cold. What will it be like? Oh, I shall faint when he kisses me. And +I know he will be dreadful like that; I have seen it in his eye. He will +eat me up. Oh, I am sure I shall hate it. No man has ever kissed me in my +life, and I can't judge, but I am sure it is frightful--unless--I feel as +if I shall go crazy if I stay here any longer. I can't--I can't stop and +wait and face it. I must have some air first. There is a misty fog. I +would like to go out and get lost in it, and I _will_, too! Not get lost, +perhaps, but go out in it, and alone. I won't have even Véronique. I shall +go by myself into the park. It is growing nearly dark, though only three +o'clock. I have got an hour. It looks mysterious, and will soothe me, and +suit my mood, and then, when I come in again, I shall perhaps be able to +bear it bravely, kisses and all. + + + + + CLARIDGE'S, + + Sunday evening, _November 27th._ + + +I have a great deal to write, and yet it is only a few hours since I shut +up this book and replaced the key on my bracelet. + +By a quarter-past three I was making my way through Grosvenor Square. +Everything was misty and blurred, but not actually a thick fog--or any +chance of being lost. By the time I got into the park it had lifted a +little. It seemed close and warm, and as I went on I got more depressed. I +have never been out alone before--that in itself seemed strange, and ought +to have amused me. + +The image of Christopher kept floating in front of me; his face seemed to +have the expression of a satyr. Well, at all events, he would never be +able to break my heart like "Alicia Verney's"--nothing could ever make me +care for him. I tried to think of all the good I was going to get out of +the affair, and how really fond I was of Branches. + +I walked very fast; people loomed at me, and then disappeared in the mist. +It was getting almost dusk, and suddenly I felt tired and sat down on a +bench. + +I had wandered into a side path where there were no chairs. On the bench +before mine I saw, as I passed, a tramp huddled up. I wondered what his +thoughts were, and if he felt any more miserable than I did. I dare say I +was crouching in a depressed position, too. + +Not many people went by, and every moment it grew darker. In all my life, +even on the days when Mrs. Carruthers taunted me about mamma being nobody, +I have never felt so wretched. Tears kept rising in my eyes, and I did not +even worry to blink them away. Who would see me, and who in the world +would care if they did see? + +Suddenly I was conscious that a very perfect figure was coming out of the +mist towards me, but not until he was close to me, and stopping, with a +start, peered into my face, did I recognize it was Lord Robert. + +"Evangeline!" he exclaimed, in a voice of consternation. "I--what, oh! +what is the matter?" + +No wonder he was surprised. Why he had not taken me for some tramp, too, +and passed on, I don't know. + +"Nothing," I said, as well as I could, and tried to tilt my hat over my +eyes. I had no veil on, unfortunately. + +"I have just been for a walk. Why do you call me Evangeline and why are +you not in Northumberland?" + +He looked so tall and beautiful, and his face had no expression of +contempt or anger now, only distress and sympathy. + +"I was suddenly put on guard yesterday, and could not get leave. I am +going to-morrow," he said, not answering the first part, "but, oh, I can't +bear to see you sitting here alone and looking so, so miserable. Mayn't I +take you home? You will catch cold in the damp." + +"Oh no, not yet. I won't go back yet," I said, hardly realizing what I was +saying. He sat down beside me and slipped his hand into my muff, pressing +my clasped fingers, the gentlest, friendliest caress a child might have +made in sympathy. It touched some foolish chord in my nature, some want of +self-control inherited from mamma's ordinary mother, I suppose; anyway the +tears poured down my face. I could not help it. Oh, the shame of it! To +sit crying in the park, in front of Lord Robert, of all people in the +world, too! + +"Dear, dear little girl," he said, "tell me about it," and he held my hand +in my muff with his strong, warm hand. + +"I--I have nothing to tell," I said, choking down a sob. "I am ashamed +for you to see me like this, only--I am feeling so very miserable." + +"Dear child!" he said. "Well, you are not to be--I won't have it. Has some +one been unkind to you? Tell me, tell me." His voice was trembling with +distress. + +"It's--it's nothing," I mumbled. + +I dared not look at him, I knew his eyebrows would be up in that way that +attracts me so dreadfully. + +"Listen," he whispered almost, and bent over me. "I want you to be friends +with me so that I can help you. I want you to go back to the time we +packed your books together. God knows what has come between us since--it +is not of my doing. But I want to take care of you, dear little girl, +to-day. It--oh, it hurts me so to see you crying here!" + +"I--would like to be friends," I said. "I never wanted to be anything +else, but I could not help it, and I can't now." + +"Won't you tell me the reason?" he pleaded. "You have made me so +dreadfully unhappy about it. I thought all sorts of things. You know I am +a jealous beast." + +There can't in the world be another voice as engaging as Lord Robert's, +and he has a trick of pronouncing words that is too attractive; and the +way his mouth goes when he is speaking, showing his perfectly chiselled +lips under the little mustache! There is no use pretending. I was sitting +there on the bench going through thrills of emotion and longing for him to +take me in his arms. It is too frightful to think of. I must be bad, after +all. + +"Now you are going to tell me everything about it," he commanded. "To +begin with: what made you suddenly change at Trylands after the first +afternoon--and then, what is it that makes you so unhappy now?" + +"I can't tell you either," I said, very low. I hoped the common +grandmother would not take me as far as doing mean tricks to Lady Ver. + +"Oh, you have made me wild!" he exclaimed, letting go my hand and leaning +both elbows on his knees, while he pushed his hat to the back of his +head--"perfectly mad with fury and jealousy! That brute Malcolm! And then +looking at Campion at dinner, and, worst of all, Christopher in the box at +'Carmen'! Wicked, naughty little thing! And yet underneath I have a +feeling it is for some absurd reason, and not for sheer devilment. If I +thought that, I would soon get not to care. I did think it at 'Carmen.'" + +"Yes, I know," I said. + +"You know what?" he looked up, startled; then he took my hand again and +sat close to me. + +"Oh, please, please don't, Lord Robert!" I said. + +It really made me quiver so with the loveliest feeling I have ever known, +that I knew I should never be able to keep my head if he went on. + +"Please, please don't hold my hand," I said. "It--it makes me not able to +behave nicely." + +"Darling," he whispered, "then it shows that you like me, and I sha'n't +let go until you tell me every little bit." + +"Oh, I can't, I can't!" I felt too tortured, and yet, waves of joy were +rushing over me. That _is_ a word, "darling," for giving feelings down the +back. + +"Evangeline," he said, quite sternly, "will you answer this question, +then: Do you like me, or do you hate me? Because, as you must know very +well, I love you." + +Oh, the wild joy of hearing him say that! What in the world did anything +else matter? For a moment there was a singing in my ears, and I forgot +everything but our two selves. Then the picture of Christopher waiting for +me, with his cold cynic's face and eyes blazing with passion, rushed into +my vision, and the duke's critical, suspicious, disapproving scrutiny, +and I felt as if a cry of pain, like a wounded animal, escaped me. + +"Darling, darling, what is it? Did I hurt your dear little hand?" Lord +Robert exclaimed, tenderly. + +"No," I whispered, brokenly; "but I cannot listen to you. I am going back +to Claridge's now, and I am going to marry Mr. Carruthers." + +He dropped my hand as if it stung him. + +"Good God! Then it is true," was all he said. + +In fear I glanced at him, his face looked gray in the quickly gathering +mist. + +"Oh, Robert!" I said, in anguish, unable to help myself. "It isn't because +I want to. I--I--oh, probably I love you, but I must; there is nothing +else to be done." + +"Isn't there?" he said, all the life and joy coming back to his face. "Do +you think I will let Christopher, or any other man in the world have you, +now that you have confessed that?" and, fortunately, there was no one in +sight, because he put his arms round my neck and drew me close and kissed +my lips. + +Oh, what nonsense people talk of heaven! Sitting on clouds and singing +psalms and things like that! There can't be any heaven half so lovely as +being kissed by Robert. I felt quite giddy with happiness for several +exquisite seconds, then I woke up. It was all absolutely impossible, I +knew, and I must keep my head. + +"Now you belong to me," he said, letting his arm slip down to my waist, +"so you must begin at the beginning, and tell me everything." + +"No, no," I said, struggling feebly to free myself, and feeling so glad he +held me tight. "It is impossible, all the same, and that only makes it +harder. Christopher is coming to see me at four, and I promised Lady Ver I +would not be a fool, and would marry him." + +"A fig for Lady Ver," he said, calmly. "If that is all, you leave her to +me--she never argues with me." + +"It is not only that; I--I promised I would never play with you." + +"And you certainly never shall," he said, and I could see a look in his +eye as he purposely misconstrued my words, and then he deliberately kissed +me again. Oh, I like it better than anything else in the world! How could +any one keep their head with Robert quite close, making love like that? + +"You certainly never--never--shall," he said again, with a kiss between +each word. "I will take care of that. Your time of playing with people is +over, mademoiselle. When you are married to me, I shall fight with any one +who dares to look at you." + +"But I shall never be married to you, Robert," I said, though as I could +only be happy for such a few moments I did not think it necessary to move +away out of his arms. How thankful I was to the fog! and no one passing! I +shall always adore fogs. + +"Yes, you will," he announced, with perfect certainty, "in about a +fortnight, I should think. I can't and won't have you staying at +Claridge's by yourself. I shall take you back this afternoon to Aunt +Sophia. Only all that we can settle presently; now for the moment I want +you to tell me you love me, and that you are sorry for being such a little +brute all this time." + +"I did not know it until just now, but I think--I probably do love +you--Robert," I said. + +He was holding my hand in my muff again, the other arm round my waist. +Absolutely disgraceful behavior in the park. We might have been Susan Jane +and Thomas Augustus, and yet I was perfectly happy, and felt it was the +only natural way to sit. + +A figure appeared in the distance--we started apart. + +"Oh, really, really--" I gasped--"we---- you--must be different." + +He leaned back and laughed. + +"You sweet darling! Well, come, we will go for a drive in a hansom; we +will choose one without a light inside. Albert Gate is quite close--come!" +and he rose, and taking my arm, not offering his to me, like in books, he +drew me on down the path. + +I am sure any one would be terribly shocked to read what I have written, +but not so much if they knew Robert, and how utterly adorable he is, and +how masterful, and simple, and direct. He does not split straws or bandy +words. I had made the admission that I loved him, and that was enough to +go upon. + +As we walked along I tried to tell him it was impossible, that I must go +back to Christopher, that Lady Ver would think I had broken my word about +it. I did not, of course, tell him of her bargain with me over him, but he +probably guessed that, because before we got into the hansom even, he had +begun to put me through a searching cross-examination as to the reasons +for my behavior at Tryland, and Park Street, and the opera. I felt like a +child with a strong man, and every moment more idiotically happy and in +love with him. + +He told the cabman to drive to Hammersmith, and then put his arm round my +waist again, and held my hand, pulling my glove off backward first. It is +a great, big, granny muff of sable I have, Mrs. Carruthers's present on my +last birthday. I never thought then to what charming use it would be put. + +"Now I think we have demolished all your silly little reasons for making +me miserable," he said. "What others have you to bring forward as to why +you can't marry me in a fortnight?" + +I was silent--I did not know how to say it--the principal reason of all. + +"Evangeline, darling," he pleaded. "Oh, why will you make us both unhappy? +Tell me, at least." + +"Your brother, the duke," I said, very low. "He will never consent to your +marrying a person like me, with no relations." + +He was silent for a second, then: "My brother is an awfully good fellow," +he said; "but his mind is warped by his infirmity. You must not think +hardly of him; he will love you directly he sees you, like every one +else." + +"I saw him yesterday," I said. + +Robert was so astonished. + +"Where did you see him?" he asked. + +Then I told him about meeting Lady Merrenden, and her asking me to +luncheon, and about her having been in love with papa, and about the duke +having looked me through and through with an expression of dislike. + +"Oh, I see it all," said Robert, holding me closer. "Aunt Sophia and I are +great friends, you know; she has always been like my mother, who died when +I was a baby. I told her all about you when I came from Branches, and how +I had fallen deeply in love with you at first sight, and that she must +help me to see you at Tryland; and she did, and then I thought you had +grown to dislike me, so when I came back she guessed I was unhappy about +something, and this is her first step to find out how she can do me a good +turn. Oh, she is a dear!" + +"Yes, indeed, she is," I said. + +"Of course she is extra interested in you if she was in love with your +father. So that is all right, darling; she must know all about your +family, and can tell Torquilstone. Why, we have nothing to fear!" + +"Oh yes, we have," I said. "I know all the story of what your brother is +_toqué_ about. Lady Ver told me. You see, the awkward part is mamma was +really nobody; her father and mother forgot to get married, and although +mamma was lovely and had been beautifully brought up by two old ladies at +Brighton, it was a disgrace for papa marrying her. Mrs. Carruthers has +often taunted me with this." + +"Darling!" he interrupted, and began to kiss me again, and that gave me +such feeling I could not collect my thoughts to go on with what I was +saying for a few minutes. We both were rather silly, if it is silly to be +madly, wildly happy, and oblivious of everything else. + +"I will go straight to Aunt Sophia now, when I take you back to +Claridge's," he said, presently, when we had got a little calmer. + +I wonder what kisses do that it makes one have that perfectly lovely +sensation down the back, just like certain music does, only much, much +more so. I thought they would be dreadful things when it was a question of +Christopher, but Robert! Oh, well, as I said before, I can't think of any +other heaven. + +"What time is it?" I had sense enough to ask presently. + +He lit a match and looked at his watch. + +"Ten minutes past five," he exclaimed. + +"And Christopher was coming about four," I said; "and if you had not +chanced to meet me in the park by now I should have been engaged to him, +and probably trying to bear his kissing me." + +"My God!" said Robert, fiercely; "it makes me rave to think of it," and he +held me so tight for a moment I could hardly breathe. + +"You won't have any one else's kisses ever again in this world, and that I +tell you," he said, through his teeth. + +"I--I don't want them," I whispered creeping closer to him. "And I never +have had any, never any one but you, Robert." + +"Darling," he said, "how that pleases me!" + +Of course, if I wanted to I could go on writing pages and pages of all the +lovely things we said to each other, but it would sound, even to read to +myself, such nonsense that I can't, and I couldn't make the tone of +Robert's voice, or the exquisite fascination of his ways--tender, and +adoring, and masterful. It must all stay in my heart, but oh! it is as if +a fairy with a wand had passed and said "bloom" to a winter tree. Numbers +of emotions that I had never dreamed about were surging through me--the +floodgates of everything in my soul seemed opening in one rush of love and +joy. While we were together nothing appeared to matter, all barriers +melted away. + +Fate would be sure to be kind to lovers like us. + +We got back to Claridge's about six, and Robert would not let me go up to +my sitting-room until he had found out if Christopher had gone. + +Yes, he had come at four, we discovered, and had waited twenty minutes, +and then left, saying he would come again at half-past six. + +"Then you will write him a note, and give it to the porter for him, saying +you are engaged to me and can't see him," Robert said. + +"No, I won't do that. I am not engaged to you, and cannot be until your +family consent and are nice to me," I said. + +"Darling!" he faltered, and his voice trembled with emotion. "Darling, +love is between you and me--it is our lives. However, that can go. The +ways of my family--nothing shall ever separate you from me or me from you, +I swear it! Write to Christopher." + +I sat down at a table in the hall and wrote: + +"DEAR MR. CARRUTHERS,-- + +"I am sorry I was out," then I bit the end of my pen. "Don't come and see +me this evening. I will tell you why in a day or two. + + "Yours sincerely, + + "EVANGELINE TRAVERS. + + +"Will that do?" I said, and I handed it to Robert, while I addressed the +envelope. + +"Yes," he said, and waited while I sealed it up and gave it to the porter. +Then, with a surreptitious squeeze of the hand, he left me to go to Lady +Merrenden. + +I have come up to my little sitting-room a changed being. The whole world +revolves for me upon another axis, and all within the space of three short +hours. + + + + + CLARIDGE'S, + + Sunday night, _November 27th._ + + +Late this evening, about eight o'clock, when I had relocked my journal, I +got a note from Robert. I was just going to begin my dinner. + +I tore it open, inside was another; I did not wait to look who from, I was +too eager to read his. I paste it in: + + + "CARLTON HOUSE TERRACE. + + "MY DARLING,-- + + "I have had a long talk with Aunt Sophia, and she is everything + that is sweet and kind, but she fears Torquilstone will be a + little difficult (_I don't care_, _nothing_ shall separate us + now). She asks me not to go and see you again to-night as she + thinks it would be better for you that I should not go to the + hotel so late. Darling, read her note, and you will see how + nice she is. I shall come round to-morrow, the moment the + beastly stables are finished, about twelve o'clock. Oh, take + care of yourself! What a difference to-night and last night! + I was feeling horribly miserable and reckless, and to-night! + Well, you can guess. I am not half good enough for you, + darling beautiful queen, but I think I shall know how to make + you happy. I love you. + + "Good-night my own. + + "ROBERT." + + "Do please send me a tiny line by my servant. I have told him + to wait." + + +I have never had a love-letter before. What lovely things they are. I felt +thrills of delight over bits of it. Of course I see now that I must have +been dreadfully in love with Robert all along, only I did not know it +quite. I fell into a kind of blissful dream, and then I roused myself up +to read Lady Merrenden's. I sha'n't put hers in, too; it fills up too +much, and I can't shut the clasp of my journal. It is a perfectly sweet +little letter, just saying Robert had told her the news, and that she was +prepared to welcome me as her dearest niece, and to do all she could for +us. She hoped I would not think her very tiresome and old-fashioned +suggesting Robert had better not see me again to-night, and, if it would +not inconvenience me, she would herself come round to-morrow morning and +discuss what was best to be done. + +Véronique said Lord Robert's valet was waiting outside the door, so I flew +to my table and began to write. My hand trembled so I made a blot, and +had to tear that sheet up; then I wrote another. Just a little word. I was +frightened; I couldn't say loving things in a letter; I had not even +spoken many to him--yet. + +"I loved your note," I began; "and I think Lady Merrenden is quite right. +I will be here at twelve, and very pleased to see you." I wanted to say I +loved him, and thought twelve o'clock a long way off, but of course one +could not write such things as that, so I ended with just, + + "Love from + + "EVANGELINE." + + +Then I read it over, and it did sound "missish" and silly. However, with +the man waiting there in the passage, and Véronique fussing in and out of +my bedroom, besides the waiters bringing up my dinner, I could not go +tearing up sheets and writing others, it looked so flurried, so it was put +into an envelope. Then, in one of the seconds I was alone, I nipped off a +violet from a bunch on the table and pushed it in, too. I wonder if he +will think it sentimental of me! When I had written the name, I had not an +idea where to address it. His was written from Carlton House Terrace, but +he was evidently not there now, as his servant had brought it. I felt so +nervous and excited, it was too ridiculous--I am very calm as a rule. I +called the man, and asked him where was his lordship now? I did not like +to say I was ignorant of where he lived. + +"His Lordship is at Vavasour House, madam," he said, respectfully, but +with the faintest shade of surprise that I should not know. "His lordship +dines at home this evening with his grace." + +I scribbled a note to Lady Merrenden. I would be delighted to see her in +the morning at whatever time suited her. I would not go out at all, and I +thanked her. It was much easier to write sweet things to her than to +Robert. + +When I was alone I could not eat. Véronique came in to try and persuade +me. I looked so very pale, she said, she feared I had taken cold. She was +in one of her "old-mother" moods, when she drops the third person +sometimes, and calls me "_mon enfant_." + +"Oh, Véronique, I have not got a cold; I am only wildly happy," I said. + +"Mademoiselle is doubtless fiancée to Mr. Carruthers. _Oh, mon enfant +adorée_," she cried, "_que je suis contente!_" + +"Gracious, no!" I exclaimed. This brought me back to Christopher with a +start. What would he say when he heard? + +"No, Véronique, to some one much nicer--Lord Robert Vavasour." + +Véronique was frightfully interested. Mr. Carruthers she would have +preferred, to me, she admitted, as being more solid, more "_rangé_," +"_plus à la fin de ses bêtises_," but, no doubt, "milor" was charming too, +and for certain one day mademoiselle would be duchess. In the meanwhile +what kind of coronet would mademoiselle have on her trousseau? + +I was obliged to explain that I should not have any, or any trousseau, for +an indefinite time, as nothing was settled yet. This damped her a little. + +"_Un frère de duc, et pas de couronne!_" After seven years in England she +was yet unable to understand these strange habitudes, she said. + +She insisted upon putting me to bed directly after dinner, "to be prettier +for _milor demain_!" and then when she had tucked me up, and was turning +out the light in the centre of the room, she looked back. "Mademoiselle is +too beautiful like that," she said, as if it slipped from her. "_Mon Dieu! +il ne s'embêterai pas, le monsieur!_" + + + + + CLARIDGE'S, + + _Monday morning._ + + +I wonder how I lived before I met Robert. I wonder what use were the days. +Oh, and I wonder, I wonder, if the duke continues to be obdurate about me, +if I shall ever have the strength of mind to part from him so as not to +spoil his future. + +Such a short time ago--not yet four weeks--since I was still at Branches, +and wondering what made the clock go round, the great, big clock of life. + +Oh, now I know. It is being in love--frightfully in love, as we are. I +must try and keep my head, though, and remember all the remarks of Lady +Ver about things and men. Fighters all of them, and they must never feel +quite sure. It will be dreadfully difficult to tease Robert, because he is +so direct and simple, but I must try, I suppose. Perhaps being so very +pretty as I am, and having all the male creatures looking at me with +interest, will do, and be enough to keep him worried, and I won't have to +be tiresome myself. I hope so, because I really do love him so extremely, +I would like to let myself go, and be as sweet as I want to. + +I am doing all the things I thought perfectly silly to hear of before. I +kissed his letter, and slept with it on the pillow beside me, and this +morning woke at six, and turned on the electric light to read it again. +The part where the "darlings" come is quite blurry, I see, in +daylight--that is where I kissed most, I know. + +I seem to be numb to everything else. Whether Lady Ver is angry or not +does not bother me. I did play fair. She could not expect me to go on +pretending when Robert had said straight out he loved me. But I am sure +she will be angry, though, and probably rather spiteful about it. + +I will write her the simple truth in a day or two, when we see how things +go. She will guess by Robert not going to Sedgwick. + + + + + CLARIDGE'S + + _Monday afternoon._ + + +At half-past eleven this morning Lady Merrenden came, and the room was all +full of flowers that Robert had sent, bunches and bunches of violets and +gardenias. She kissed me, and held me tight for a moment, and we did not +speak. Then she said, in a voice that trembled a little: + +"Robert is so very dear to me--almost my own child--that I want him to be +happy; and you, too, Evangeline--I may call you that, may not I?" + +I squeezed her hand. + +"You are the echo of my youth, when I, too, knew the wild spring-time of +love. So, dear, I need not tell you that you may count upon my doing what +I can for you both." + +Then we talked and talked. + +"I must admit," she said at last, "that I was prejudiced in your favor for +your dear father's sake, but in any case my opinion of Robert's judgment +is so high, I would have been prepared to find you charming, even without +that. He has the rarest qualities, he is the truest, most untarnished +soul in this world. + +"I don't say," she went on, "that he is not just as the other young men of +his age and class; he is no Galahad, as no one can be with truth who is +human and lives in the world. And I dare say kind friends will tell you +stories of actresses and other diversions, but I who know him tell you, +you have won the best and greatest darling in London." + +"Oh, I am sure of it," I said. "I don't know why he loves me so much, he +has seen me so little; but it began from the very first minute, I think, +with both of us. He is such a nice shape." + +She laughed. Then she asked me if she was right in supposing all these +_contretemps_ we had had were the doing of Lady Ver. "You need not answer, +dear," she said. "I know Ianthe. She is in love with Robert herself; she +can't help it; she means no harm, but she often gets these attacks, and +they pass off. I think she is devoted to Sir Charles, really." + +"Yes," I said. + +"It is a queer world we live in, child," she continued, "and true love and +suitability of character are such a rare combination, but from what I can +judge, you and Robert possess them." + +"Oh, how dear of you to say so!" I exclaimed. + +"You don't think I _must_ be bad, then, because of my coloring?" + +"What a ridiculous idea, you sweet child!" she laughed. "Who has told you +that!" + +"Oh, Mrs. Carruthers always said so--and--and the old gentlemen, and--even +Mr. Carruthers hinted I probably had some odd qualities. But you do think +I shall be able to be fairly good--don't you?" + +She was amused, I could see, but I was serious. + +"I think you probably might have been a little wicked if you had married a +man like Mr. Carruthers," she said, smiling, "but with Robert I am sure +you will be good. He will never leave you a moment, and he will love you +so much you won't have time for anything else." + +"Oh, that is what I shall like--being loved," I said. + +"I think all women like that," she sighed. "We could all of us be good if +the person we love went on being demonstrative. It is the cold, +matter-of-fact devotion that kills love, and makes one want to look +elsewhere to find it again." + +Then we talked of possibilities about the duke. I told her I knew his +_toquade_, and she, of course, was fully acquainted with mamma's history. + +"I must tell you, dear, I fear he will be difficult," she said. "He is a +strangely prejudiced person, and obstinate to a degree, and he worships +Robert, as we all do." + +I would not ask her if the duke had taken a dislike to me, because I +_knew_ he had. + +"I asked you to meet him on Saturday on purpose," she continued. "I felt +sure your charm would impress him, as it had done me, and as it did my +husband, but I wonder now if it would have been better to wait. He said +after you were gone that you were much too beautiful for the peace of any +family, and he pitied Mr. Carruthers if he married you. I don't mean to +hurt you, child; I am only telling you everything, so that we may consult +how best to act." + +"Yes, I know," I said, and I squeezed her hand again; she does not put out +claws like Lady Ver. + +"How did he know anything about Mr. Carruthers"--I asked--"or me, or +anything?" She looked ashamed. + +"One can never tell how he hears things. He was intensely interested to +meet you, and seemed to be acquainted with more of the affair than I am. I +almost fear he must obtain his information from the servants." + +"Oh, does not that show the housemaid in him? Poor fellow!" I said. "He +can't help it, then, any more than I could help crying yesterday before +Robert in the park. Of course we would neither of us have done these +things if it were not for the _tache_ in our backgrounds, only, +fortunately for me, mine wasn't a housemaid, and was one generation +farther back, so I would not be likely to have any of those tricks." + +She leaned back in her chair and laughed. "You quaint, quaint child, +Evangeline," she said. + +Just then it was twelve o'clock, and Robert came in. + +Oh, talk of hearts beating! If mine is going to go on jumping like this +every time Robert enters a room, I shall get a disease in it in less than +a year. + +He looked too intensely attractive. He was not in London clothes; just +serge things, and a guard's tie, and his face was beaming, and his eyes +shining like blue stars. + +We behaved nicely--he only kissed my hand, and Lady Merrenden looked away +at the clock even for that. She has tact. + +"Isn't my Evangeline a darling, Aunt Sophia?" he said. "And don't you love +her red hair?" + +"It is beautiful," said Lady Merrenden. + +"When you leave us alone I am going to pull it all down"; and he +whispered, "Darling, I love you," so close that his lips touched my ear, +while he pretended he was not doing anything. I say, again, Robert has +ways that would charm a stone image. + +"How was Torquilstone last night?" Lady Merrenden asked, "and did you tell +him anything?" + +"Not a word," said Robert. "I wanted to wait and consult you both which +would be best. Shall I go to him at once, or shall he be made to meet my +Evangeline again, and let her fascinate him, as she is bound to do, and +then tell him?" + +"Oh, tell him straight!" I exclaimed, remembering his proclivities about +the servants and that Véronique knows. "Then he cannot ever say we have +deceived him." + +"That is how I feel," said Robert. + +"You take Evangeline to lunch, Aunt Sophia, and I will go back and feed +with him, and tell him, and then come to you after." + +"Yes, that will be best," she said, and it was settled that she should +come in again and fetch me in an hour, when Robert should leave to go to +Vavasour House. He went with her to the lift, and then he came back. + +No--even in this locked book I am not going to write of that hour--it was +too divine. If I had thought just sitting in the park was heaven, I now +know there are degrees of heaven, and that Robert is teaching me up +towards the seventh. + + + _Monday afternoon._ + (Continued.) + + +I forgot to say a note came from Christopher by this morning's post--it +made me laugh when I read it, then it went out of my head; but when Lady +Merrenden returned for me, and we were more or less sane again--Robert and +I--I thought of it; so apparently did he. "Did you by chance hear from +Christopher, whether he got your note last night or no?" he said. + +I went and fetched it from my bedroom when I put on my hat. Robert read it +aloud: + + + "TRAVELLER'S CLUB + + "_Sunday night._ + + "'_Souvent femme varie--fol qui se fie!_' + Hope you found your variation worth while! + + C. C." + + +"What dam cheek!" he said, in his old way. He hasn't used any "ornaments +to conversation" since we have been--oh, I want to say it--engaged! + +Then his eyes flashed. "Christopher had better be careful of himself! He +will have to be answerable to me now." + +"Do be prudent, Evangeline dear," Lady Merrenden said, gayly, "or you will +have Robert breaking the head of every man in the street who even glances +at you. He is frantically jealous." + +"Yes, I know I am," said Robert, rearranging the tie on my blouse with +that air of _sans gêne_ and possession that pleases me so. + +I belong to him now, and if my tie isn't as he likes he has a perfect +right to retie it, no matter who is there. That is his attitude--not the +_least_ ceremony or stuff, everything perfectly simple and natural. + +It does make things agreeable. When I was, "Miss Travers" and he "Lord +Robert," he was always respectful and unfamiliar--except that one night +when rage made him pinch my finger. But now that I am _his_ Evangeline and +he is _my_ Robert (thus he explained it to me in our paradise hour), I am +his queen and his darling, but at the same time his possession and +belonging, just the same as his watch or his coat--I adore it--and it does +not make me the least "uppish," as one might have thought. + +"Come, come, children," Lady Merrenden said at last, "we shall all be +late." + +So we started, dropping Robert at Vavasour House on our way. It is a +splendid place, down one of those side streets looking on the Green Park, +and has a small garden that side. I had never been down to the little +square where it is before, but, of course, every one can see its splendid +frontage from St. James's Park, though I had never realized it was +Vavasour House. + +"Good luck!" whispered Lady Merrenden as Robert got out, and then we drove +on. + +Several people were lunching at Carlton House Terrace: cabinet ministers, +and a clever novelist, and the great portrait painter, besides two or +three charming women--one as pretty and smart as Lady Ver, but the others +more ordinary looking, only so well mannered. No real frumps like the +Montgomeries. We had a delightful lunch, and I tried to talk nicely and do +my best to please my dear hostess. When they had all left I think we both +began to feel excited, and long apprehensively for the arrival of Robert. +So we talked of the late guests. + +"It amuses my husband to see a number of different kinds of people," she +said; "but we had nothing very exciting to-day, I must confess, though +sometimes the authors and authoresses bore me, and they are often very +disappointing--one does not any longer care to read their books after +seeing them." + +I said I could quite believe that. + +"I do not go in for budding geniuses," she continued. "I prefer to wait +until they have arrived, no matter their origin; then they have acquired a +certain outside behavior on the way up, and it does not _froissé_ one so. +Merrenden is a great judge of human nature, and variety entertains him. +Left to myself, I fear I should be quite contented with less gifted people +who were simply of one's own world." + +In all her talk one can see her thought and consideration for Lord +Merrenden and his wishes and tastes. + +"I always feel it is so cruel for him, our having no children," she said. +"The earldom becomes extinct, so I must make him as happy as I can." + +What a dear and just woman! + +At last we spoke of Robert, and she told me stories of his boyhood, +amusing Eton scrapes, and later feats. And how brave and splendid he had +been in the war; and how the people all adored him at Torquilstone; and of +his popularity and influence with them. "You must make him go into +Parliament," she said. + +Then Robert came into the room. Oh, his darling face spoke, there was no +need for words. The duke, one could see, had been obdurate. + +"Well," said Lady Merrenden. + +Robert came straight over to me and took my face in his two hands. +"Darling," he said, "before everything I want you to know I love you +better than anything else in the world, and nothing will make any +difference," and he kissed me deliberately before his aunt. His voice was +so moved, and we all felt a slight lump in our throats I know; then he +stood in front of us, but he held my hand. + +"Torquilstone was horrid, I can see," said Lady Merrenden. "What did he +say, Robert? Tell us everything. Evangeline would wish it too, I am sure, +as well as I." + +Robert looked very pale and stern; one can see how firm his jaw is in +reality, and how steady his dear, blue eyes. + +"I told him I loved Evangeline, whom I understood he had met yesterday, +and that I intended to marry her." + +"And he said?" asked Lady Merrenden, breathless. + +I only held tighter Robert's hand. + +"He swore like a trooper, he thumped his glass down on the table and +smashed it--a disgusting exhibition of temper--I was ashamed of him. Then +he said never, as long as he lived and could prevent it; that he had heard +something of my infatuation, so as I am not given that way he had made +inquiries, and found the family was most unsatisfactory. Then he had come +here yesterday on purpose to see you--darling," turning to me, "and that +he had judged for himself. The girl was a 'devilish beauty' (his words, +not mine), with the naughtiest, provoking eyes, and a mouth--No, I can't +say the rest, it makes me too mad," and Robert's eyes flashed. + +Lady Merrenden rose from her seat and came and took my other hand. I felt +as if I could not stand too tall and straight. + +"The long and short of it is, he has absolutely refused to have anything +to do with the matter, says I need expect nothing further from him, and we +have parted for good and all." + +"Oh, Robert!" It was almost a cry from Lady Merrenden. + +Robert put his arms round me, and his face changed to radiance. + +"Well, I don't care; what does it matter? A few places and thousands in +the dim future--the loss of them is nothing to me if I only have my +Evangeline now." + +"But, Robert dearest," Lady Merrenden said, "you can't possibly live +without what he allows you--what have you of your own? About eighteen +hundred a year, I suppose, and you know, darling boy, you are often in +debt. Why, he paid five thousand for you as lately as last Easter. Oh, +what is to be done?" and she clasped her hands. + +I felt as if turned to stone. Was all this divine happiness going to slip +from my grasp? Yes, it looked like it, for I could never drag Robert into +poverty and spoil his great future. + +"He can't leave away Torquilstone, and those thousands of profitless +acres," Lady Merrenden went on; "but, unfortunately, all the London +property is at his disposition. Oh, I must go and talk to him!" + +"No," said Robert. "It would not be the least use, and would look as if we +were pleading." His face had fallen to intense sadness as Lady Merrenden +spoke of his money. + +"Darling," he said, in a broken voice. "No, it is true it would not be +fair to make you a beggar. I should be a cad to ask you. We must think of +some way of softening my brother after all." + +Then I spoke. + +"Robert," I said, "if you were only John Smith I would say I would +willingly go and live with you in a cottage, or even in a slum; but you +are not, and I would not for _anything in the world_ drag you down out of +what is your position in life. That would be a poor sort of love. Oh, my +dear," and I clasped tight his hand, "if everything fails, then we must +part and you must forget me." + +He folded me in his arms, and we heard the door shut. Lady Merrenden had +left us alone. Oh, it was anguish and divine bliss at the same time the +next half-hour. + +"I will never forget you, and never in this world will I take another +woman, I swear to God!" he said, at the end of it. "If we must part, then +life is finished for me of all joy." + +"And for me, too, Robert!" + +We said the most passionate vows of love to each other, but I will not +write them here; there is another locked book where I keep them--the book +of my soul. + +"Would it be any good if Colonel Tom Carden went and spoke to him?" I +asked, presently. "He was best man at papa's wedding, and knows all there +is to be known of poor mamma; and do you think that as mamma's father was +Lord de Brandreth--a very old barony I believe it is--oh, can it make any +difference to the children's actual breeding, their parents not having +been through the marriage ceremony? I--I--don't know much of that sort of +things." + +"My sweet," said Robert, and through all our sorrow he smiled and kissed +me--"my sweet, sweet Evangeline." + +"But does the duke know all the details of the history?" I asked, when I +could speak; one can't when one is being kissed. + +"Every little bit, it seems. He says he will not discuss the matter of +that--I must know it is quite enough, as I have always known his views; +but if it was not sufficient, your wild, wicked beauty is. You would not +be faithful to me for a year, he said. I could hardly keep from killing +him when he hurled that at my head." + +I felt my temper rising. How frightfully unjust--how cruel! I went over +and looked in the glass--a big mirror between the windows--drawing Robert +with me. + +"Oh, tell me, tell me, what is it? Am I so very bad looking? It is a +curse, surely, that is upon me." + +"Of course you are not bad looking, my darling!" exclaimed Robert. +"You are perfectly beautiful--a slender, stately, exquisite +tiger-lily--only--only--you don't look cold--and it is just your red hair, +and those fascinating green eyes, and your white, lovely skin and black +eyelashes that, that--Oh, you know, you sweetheart! You don't look like +bread-and-butter, you are utterly desirable, and you would make any one's +heart beat." + +I thought of the night at "Carmen." + +"Yes, I am wicked," I said; "but I never will be again--only just enough +to make you always love me, because Lady Ver says security makes yawns. +But even wicked people can love with a great, great love, and that can +keep them good. Oh, if he only knew how utterly I love you, Robert, I am +sure, sure, he would be kind to us!" + +"Well, how shall we tell him?" + +Then a thought came to me, and I felt all over a desperate thrill of +excitement. + +"Will you do nothing until to-morrow?" I said. "I have an idea which I +will tell to no one. Let us go back to Claridge's now, and do not come and +see me again until to-morrow at twelve. Then, if this has failed we will +say good-bye. It is a desperate chance." + +"And you won't tell me what it is?" + +"No. Please trust me; it is my life as well as yours, remember." + +"My queen!" he said. "Yes, I will do that, or anything else you wish, only +_never, never_ good-bye. I am a man, after all, and have numbers of +influential relations. I can do something else in life just be a +Guardsman, and we shall get enough money to live quite happily on, though +we might not be very grand people. I will never say good-bye--do you hear? +Promise me you will never say it, either." + +I was silent. + +"Evangeline, darling!" he cried in anguish, his eyebrows right up in the +old way, while two big tears welled up in his beautiful eyes. "My God! +won't you answer me?" + +"Yes, I will," I said, and I threw all my reserve to the winds, and flung +my arms round his neck, passionately. + +"I love you with my, heart and soul, and pray to God we shall never say +good-bye." + +When I got back to Claridge's, for the first time in my life I felt a +little faint. Lady Merrenden had driven me back herself, and left me with +every assurance of her devotion and affection for us. I had said good-bye +to Robert for the day at Carlton House Terrace. + +They do not yet know me, either of them, quite; or what I can and will +do. + + + + + CLARIDGE'S + + _Monday night._ + + +I felt to carry out my plan I must steady my mind a little, so I wrote my +journal, and that calmed me. + +Of all the things I was sure of in the world, I was most sure that I loved +Robert far too well to injure his prospects. On the other hand, to throw +him away without a struggle was too cruel to both of us. If mamma's mother +was nobody, all the rest of my family were fine old fighters and +gentlemen, and I really prayed to their shades to help me now. + +Then I rang and ordered some iced water, and when I had thought deeply for +a few minutes while I sipped it, I sat down to my writing-table. My hand +did not shake, though I felt at a deadly tension. I addressed the envelope +first, to steady myself: + + + "To + "His Grace + "The Duke of Torquilstone, + "Vavasour House, + "St. James's, S.W." + + +Then I put that aside. + +"I am Evangeline Travers who writes," I began, without any preface; +"and I ask if you will see me--either here in my sitting-room this +evening, or I will come to you at Vavasour House. I understand your +brother, Lord Robert, has told you that he loves me and wishes to marry +me, and that you have refused your consent, partly because of the +history of my family, but chiefly because my type displeases you. I +believe, in days gone by, the prerogative of a great noble like you was +to dispense justice. In my case it is still your prerogative by +courtesy, and I ask it of you. When we have talked for a little, if you +then hold to your opinion of me, and _convince me_ that it is for your +brother's happiness, I swear to you on my word of honor I will never see +him again." + + "Believe me, + + "Yours faithfully, + + "EVANGELINE TRAVERS." + + +I put it hastily in the envelope and fastened it up. Then I rang the bell, +and had it sent by a messenger in a cab, who was to wait for an answer. +Oh, I wonder if in life I shall ever have to go through another +twenty-five minutes like those that passed before the waiter brought a +note up to me in reply. + +Even if the journal won't shut I must put it in: + + + "VAVASOUR HOUSE, ST. JAMES'S + + "_November 28th._ + "DEAR MADAM,-- + + "I have received your letter, and request you to excuse my + calling upon you at your hotel this evening, as I am unwell; + but if you will do me the honor to come to Vavasour House on + receipt of this, I will discuss the matter in question with + you, and trust you will believe that you may rely upon my + _justice_. + + "I remain, madam, + + "Yours truly, + + "TORQUILSTONE." + + +"His grace's brougham is waiting below for you, madam," the waiter said, +and I flew to Véronique. + +I got her to dress me quickly. I wore the same things, exactly, as he had +seen me in before--deep mourning they are, and extremely becoming. + +In about ten minutes Véronique and I were seated in the brougham and +rolling on our way. I did not speak. + +I was evidently expected, for as the carriage stopped the great doors flew +open and I could see into the dim and splendid hall. + +A silver-haired, stately old servant led me along through a row of +powdered footmen, down a passage all dimly lit with heavily shaded lights. +(Véronique was left to their mercies.) Then the old man opened a door, and +without announcing my name, merely, "The lady, your grace," he held the +door, and then went out and closed it softly. + +It was a huge room splendidly panelled with dark, carved _boiserie_ Louis +XV., the most beautiful of its kind I had ever seen--only it was so dimly +lit with the same shaded lamps one could hardly see into the corners. + +The duke was crouching in a chair and looked fearfully pale and ill, and +had an inscrutable expression on his face. Fancy a man so old-looking, and +crippled, being even Robert's half-brother. + +I came forward--he rose with difficulty, and this is the conversation we +had. + +"Please don't get up," I said. "If I may sit down opposite you." + +"Excuse my want of politeness," he said, pointing to a chair; "but my back +is causing me great pain to-day." + +He looked such a poor, miserable, soured, unhappy creature, I could not +help being touched. + +"Oh, I am so sorry!" I said. "If I had known you were ill I would not have +troubled you now." + +"Justice had better not wait," he replied, with a whimsical, cynical, sour +smile. "State your case." + +Then he suddenly turned on an electric lamp near me, which made a blaze of +light in my face. I did not jump, I am glad to say; I have pretty good +nerves. + +"My case is this: To begin with, I love your brother better than anything +else in the world." + +"Possibly--a number of women have done so," he interrupted. "Well?" + +"And he loves me," I continued, not noticing the interruption. + +"Agreed. It is a situation that happens every day among young fools. You +have known each other about a month, I believe." + +"Under four weeks," I corrected. + +He laughed--bitterly. + +"It cannot be of such vital importance to you, then, in that short time." + +"It is of vital importance to me, and you know your brother's character; +you will be able to judge as well as I if, or not, it is a matter of vital +importance to him." + +He frowned. "Well, your case?" + +"First, to demand on what grounds you condemned me as a 'devilish beauty'? +And why you assume that I should not be faithful to Robert for a year?" + +"I am a rather good judge of character," he said. + +"You cannot be, or you would see that whatever accident makes me have this +objectionable outside, the me that lives within is an honest person who +never breaks her word." + +"I can only see red hair, and green eyes, and a general look of the +devil." + +"Would you wish people always to judge by appearances, then?" I said; +"because, if so, I see before me a prejudiced, narrow-minded, +cruel-tempered, cynical man--jealous of youth's joys. But _I_ would not be +so unjust as to stamp you with these qualities because of that!" + +He looked straight at me, startled. "I may be all these things," he said. +"You are probably right." + +"Then, oh, please don't be!" I went on quickly. "I want you to be kind to +us. We--oh, we do, do so wish to be happy, and we are both so young, and +life will be so utterly blank and worthless for all those years to the end +if you part us now." + +"I did not say I would part you," he said, coldly. "I merely said I +refused to give Robert any allowance, and I shall leave everything in my +power away from the title. If you like to get married on those terms you +are welcome to." + +Then I told him that I loved Robert far too much to like the thought of +spoiling his future. + +"We came into each other's lives," I said. "We did not ask it of fate, she +pushed us there, and I tried not to speak to him because I had promised a +friend of mine I would not, as she said she liked him herself, and it made +us both dreadfully unhappy; and every day we mattered more to each other +until yesterday, when I thought he had gone away for good and I was too +miserable for words, we met in the park, and it was no use pretending any +longer. Oh, you _can't_ want to crush out all joy and life for us, just +because I have red hair! It is so horribly unjust." + +"You beautiful siren!" he said. "You are coaxing me. How you know how to +use your charms and your powers, and what _man_ could resist your tempting +face!" + +I rose in passionate scorn. + +"How dare you say such things to me!" I said. "I would not stoop to coax +you. I will not again ask you for any boon. I only wanted you to do me the +justice of realizing you had made a mistake in my character--to do your +brother the justice of conceding the point that he has some right to love +whom he chooses. But keep your low thoughts to yourself--evil, cruel man! +Robert and I have got something that is better than all your lands and +money--a dear, great love, and I am glad--glad he will not in the future +receive anything that is in your gift. I shall give him the gift of +myself, and we shall do very well without you;" and I walked to the door, +leaving him huddled in the chair. + +Thus ended our talk on justice. + +Never has my head been so up in the air. I am sure had Cleopatra been +dragged to Rome in Augustus's triumph she would not have walked with more +pride and contempt than I through the hall of Vavasour House. + +The old servant was waiting for me, and Véronique, and the brougham. + +"Call a hansom, if you please," I said, and stood there like a statue +while one of the footmen had to run into St. James's Street for it. + +Then we drove away, and I felt my teeth chatter while my cheeks burned. +Oh, what an end to my scheme and my dreams of, perhaps, success! + +But what a beast of a man! What a cruel, warped, miserable creature. I +will not let him separate me from Robert--never, never! He is not worth +it. I will wait for him--my darling--and if he really loves me, some day +we can be happy, and if he does not--but, oh, I need not fear. + +I am still shaking with passion, and shall go to bed. I do not want any +dinner. + + + + + Tuesday morning, _November 29th._ + + +Véronique would not let me go to bed, she insisted upon my eating, and +then after dinner I sat in an old but lovely wrap of white crêpe, and she +brushed out my hair for more than an hour--there is such a tremendous lot +of it, it takes time. + +I sat in front of the sitting-room fire and tried not to think. One does +feel a wretch after a scene like that. At about half-past nine I heard +noises in the passage of people, and with only a preliminary tap Robert +and Lady Merrenden came into the room. I started up, and Véronique dropped +the brush in her astonishment, and then left us alone. + +Both their eyes were shining and excited, and Robert looked crazy with +joy; he seized me in his arms, and kissed me, and kissed me, while Lady +Merrenden said, "You darling Evangeline! you plucky, clever girl! Tell us +all about it!" + +"About what?" I said, as soon as I could speak. + +"How you managed it." + +"Oh, I must kiss her first, Aunt Sophia!" said Robert. "Did you ever see +anything so divinely lovely as she looks with her hair all floating like +this, and it is all mine, every bit of it!" + +"Yes, it is," I said, sadly, "and that is about all of value you will +get." + +"Come and sit down," said Robert, "Evangeline, you darling--and look at +this." + +Upon which he drew from his pocket a note. I saw at once it was the duke's +writing, and I shivered with excitement. He held it before my eyes. + +"Dear Robert," it began. "I have seen her. I am conquered. She will make a +magnificent duchess. Bring her to lunch to-morrow. Yours, TORQUILSTONE." + +I really felt so intensely moved I could not speak. + +"Oh, tell us, dear child, how did it happen, and what did you do, and +where did you meet!" said Lady Merrenden. + +Robert held my hand. + +Then I tried to tell them as well as I could, and they listened +breathlessly. "I was very rude, I fear," I ended with, "but I was so +angry." + +"It is glorious," said Robert. "But the best part is that you intended to +give me yourself with no prospect of riches. Oh, darling, that is the best +gift of all!" + +"Was it disgustingly selfish of me?" I said. "But when I saw your poor +brother so unhappy-looking, and soured, and unkind, with all his +grandeur, I felt that to us, who know what love means, to be together was +the thing that matters most in all the world." + +Lady Merrenden then said she knew some people staying here who had an +apartment on the first floor, and she would go down and see if they were +visible. She would wait for Robert in the hall, she said, and she kissed +us good-night and gave us her blessing. + +What a dear she is! What a nice pet, to leave us alone! + +Robert and I passed another hour of bliss, and I think we must have got to +the sixth heaven by now--Robert says the seventh is for the end, when we +are married. Well, that will be soon. Oh, I am too happy to write +coherently! + +I did not wake till late this morning, and Véronique came and said my +sitting-room was again full of flowers. The darling Robert is! + +I wrote to Christopher and Lady Ver in bed, as I sipped my chocolate. I +just told Lady Ver the truth, that Robert and I had met by chance and +discovered we loved each other, so I knew she would understand, and I +promised I would not break his heart. Then I thanked her for all her +kindness to me, but I felt sad when I read it over; poor, dear Lady +Ver--how I hope it won't really hurt her, and that she will forgive me! + +To Christopher I said I had found my "variation" worth while, and I hoped +he would come to my wedding some day soon. + +Then I sent Véronique to post them both. + +To-day I am moving to Carlton House Terrace. What a delight that will be! +and in a fortnight--or at best three weeks--Robert says we shall quietly +go and get married, and Colonel Tom Carden can give me away after all. + +Oh, the joy of the dear, beautiful world, and this sweet, dirty, +entrancing, fog-bound London! I love it all--even the smuts! + + + + + CARLTON HOUSE TERRACE, + + _Thursday night._ + + +Robert came to see me at twelve, and he brought me the loveliest, splendid +diamond and emerald ring, and I danced about like a child with delight +over it. He has the most exquisite sentiment, Robert--every little trifle +has some delicate meaning, and he makes me _feel_ and _feel_. + +Each hour we spend together we seem to discover some new bit of us which +is just what the other wants. And he is so deliciously jealous and +masterful and--oh, I love him--so there it is! + +I am learning a lot of things, and I am sure there are lots to learn +still. + +At half-past one Lady Merrenden came and fetched us in the barouche, and +off we went to Vavasour House, with what different feelings to last +evening! + +The pompous servants received us in state, and we all three walked on to +the duke's room. + +There he was, still huddled in his chair, but he got up--he is better +to-day. + +Lady Merrenden went over and kissed him. + +"Dear Torquilstone," she said. + +"Morning, Robert," he mumbled, after he had greeted his aunt. "Introduce +me to your fiancée." + +And Robert did, with great ceremony. + +"Now, I won't call you names any more," I said, and I laughed in his face. +He bent down and kissed my forehead. + +"You are a beautiful tiger-cat," he said; "but even a year of you would be +well worth while." + +Upon which Robert glared, and I laughed again, and we all went in to +lunch. + +He is not so bad, the duke, after all. + + + + + CARLTON HOUSE TERRACE, + + _December 21st._ + + +Oh, it is three weeks since I wrote, but I have been too busy and too +happy for journals. I have been here ever since, getting my trousseau, +and Véronique is becoming used to the fact that I can have no coronet +on my lingerie. + +It is the loveliest thing in the world being engaged to Robert. + +He has ways! Well, even if I really were as bad as I suppose I look, I +could never want any one else. He worships me, and lets me order him +about, and then he orders me about, and that makes me have the loveliest +thrills. And if any one even looks at me in the street--which of course +they always do--he flashes blue fire at them, and I feel--oh, I feel, all +the time! + +Lady Merrenden continues her sweet kindness to us, and her tact is beyond +words, and now I often do what I used to wish to--that is, touch Robert's +eyelashes with the tips of my fingers. + +It is perfectly lovely. + +Oh, what in the world is the good of anything else in life but being +frantically in love as we are! + +It all seems, to look back upon, as if it were like having porridge for +breakfast, and nothing else every day, before I met Robert. + +Perhaps it is because he is going to be very grand in the future, but +every one has discovered I am a beauty, and intelligent. It is much nicer +to be thought that than just to be a red-haired adventuress. + +Lady Katherine, even, has sent me a cairngorm brooch and a cordial letter. +(I should now adorn her circle!) + +But oh, what do they all matter--what does anything matter but Robert! All +day long I know I am learning the meaning of "to dance and to sing and to +laugh and _to live_." + +The duke and I are great friends. He has ferreted out about mamma's +mother, and it appears she was a Venetian music-mistress of the name of +Tonquini, or something like that, who taught Lord de Brandreth's +sisters--so perhaps Lady Ver was right after all, and far, far back in +some other life I was the friend of a Doge. + +Poor, dear Lady Ver! She has taken it very well after the first spiteful +letter, and now I don't think there is even a tear at the corner of her +eye. + +Lady Merrenden says it is just the time of the year when she usually gets +a new one, so perhaps she has now, and so that is all right. + +The diamond serpent she has given me has emerald eyes--and such a pointed +tongue. + +"It is like you, snake-girl," she said; "so wear it at your wedding." + +The three angels are to be my only bridesmaids. + +Robert loads me with gifts, and the duke is going to let me wear all the +Torquilstone jewels when I am married, besides the emeralds he has given +me himself. I really love him. + +Christopher sent me this characteristic note with the earrings which are +his gift, great big emeralds set with diamonds: + + + "So sorry I shall not see you on the happy day, but Paris, + I am fortunate enough to discover, still has joys for me. + + "C. C. + + "Wear them; they will match your eyes." + + +And to-morrow is my wedding-day, and I am going away on a honeymoon with +Robert--away into the seventh heaven. And oh, and oh, I am certain, +_sure_, neither of us will yawn! + + + THE END + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Red Hair, by Elinor Glyn + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED HAIR *** + +***** This file should be named 17821-8.txt or 17821-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/8/2/17821/ + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Jeroen van Luin and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Red Hair + +Author: Elinor Glyn + +Release Date: February 22, 2006 [EBook #17821] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED HAIR *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Jeroen van Luin and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="title2"> +The Authors' Press Series<br /> +of the Works of<br /> +Elinor Glyn +</div> + + +<div class="title1"> +RED HAIR +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 149px;"> +<img src="images/logo.png" width="149" height="143" alt="Authors' Press logo" title="Authors' Press logo" /> +</div> + +<div class="title3"> +THE AUTHORS' PRESS, PUBLISHERS<br /> +AUBURN, N. Y.<br /> +<br /> +Copyright, 1905, by<br /> +ELINOR GLYN +</div> + +<div class="title4"> +When copyrighted by Elinor Glyn in 1905,<br /> +this book was published under the title<br /> +"The Vicissitudes of Evangeline."<br /> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="title1"> +RED HAIR +</div> + +<h1><a name="Branches_Park" id="Branches_Park"></a>Branches Park,<br /> +<span class="subtitle">November 3.</span> +</h1> + +<p>I wonder so much if it is amusing to be an adventuress, because that is +evidently what I shall become now. I read in a book all about it; it is +being nice looking and having nothing to live on, and getting a pleasant +time out of life—and I intend to do that! I have certainly nothing to +live on, for one cannot count £300 a year; and I am extremely pretty, +and I know it quite well, and how to do my hair, and put on my hats, and +those things—so, of course, I am an adventuress! I was not intended for +this rôle—in fact, Mrs. Carruthers adopted me on purpose to leave me +her fortune, as at that time she had quarrelled with her heir, who was +bound to get the place. Then she was so inconsequent as not to make a +proper will—thus it is that this creature gets everything, and I +nothing!</p> + +<p>I am twenty, and up to the week before last, when Mrs. Carruthers got +ill and died in one day, I had had a fairly decent time at odd moments +when she was in a good temper.</p> + +<p>There is no use pretending even when people are dead, if one is writing +down one's real thoughts. I detested Mrs. Carruthers most of the time. A +person whom it was impossible to please. She had no idea of justice, or +of anything but her own comfort, and what amount of pleasure other +people could contribute to her day.</p> + +<p>How she came to do anything for me at all was because she had been in +love with papa, and when he married poor mamma—a person of no +family—and then died, she offered to take me, and bring me up, just to +spite mamma, she has often told me. As I was only four I had no say in +the matter, and if mamma liked to give me up that was her affair. +Mamma's father was a lord, and her mother I don't know who, and they had +not worried to get married, so that is how it is poor mamma came to have +no relations. After papa was dead, she married an Indian officer and +went off to India, and died, too, and I never saw her any more—so there +it is; there is not a soul in the world who matters to me, or I to them, +so I can't help being an adventuress, and thinking only of myself, can +I?</p> + +<p>Mrs. Carruthers periodically quarrelled with all the neighbors, so +beyond frigid calls now and then in a friendly interval, we never saw +them much. Several old, worldly ladies used to come and stay, but I +liked none of them, and I have no young friends. When it is getting +dark, and I am up here alone, I often wonder what it would be like if I +had—but I believe I am the kind of cat that would not have got on with +them too nicely—so perhaps it is just as well. Only, to have had a +pretty—aunt, say—to love one—that might have been nice.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Carruthers had no feelings like this; "stuff and nonsense," +"sentimental rubbish," she would have called them. To get a suitable +husband is what she brought me up for, she said, and for the last years +had arranged that I should marry her detested heir, Christopher +Carruthers, as I should have the money and he the place.</p> + +<p>He is a diplomat, and lives in Paris, and Russia, and amusing places +like that, so he does not often come to England. I have never seen him. +He is quite old—over thirty—and has hair turning gray.</p> + +<p>Now he is master here, and I must leave—unless he proposes to marry me +at our meeting this afternoon, which he probably won't do.</p> + +<p>However, there can be no harm in my making myself look as attractive as +possible under the circumstances. As I am to be an adventuress, I must +do the best I can for myself. Nice feelings are for people who have +money to live as they please. If I had ten thousand a year, or even +five, I would snap my fingers at all men, and say, "No, I make my life +as I choose, and shall cultivate knowledge and books, and indulge in +beautiful ideas of honor and exalted sentiments, and perhaps one day +succumb to a noble passion." (What grand words the thought, even, is +making me write!) But as it is, if Mr. Carruthers asks me to marry him, +as he has been told to do by his aunt, I shall certainly say yes, and so +stay on here, and have a comfortable home. Until I have had this +interview it is hardly worth while packing anything.</p> + +<p>What a mercy black suits me! My skin is ridiculously white. I shall +stick a bunch of violets in my frock—that could not look heartless, I +suppose. But if he asks me if I am sad about Mrs. Carruthers's death, I +shall not be able to tell a lie.</p> + +<p>I am sad, of course, because death is a terrible thing, and to die like +that, saying spiteful things to every one, must be horrid—but I can't, +I can't regret her. Not a day ever passed that she did not sting some +part of me; when I was little, it was not only with her tongue—she used +to pinch me, and box my ears until Dr. Garrison said it might make me +deaf, and then she stopped, because she said deaf people were a bore, +and she could not put up with them.</p> + +<p>I shall not go on looking back. There are numbers of things that even +now make me raging to remember.</p> + +<p>I have only been out for a year. Mrs. Carruthers got an attack of +bronchitis when I was eighteen, just as we were going up to town for the +season, and said she did not feel well enough for the fatigues, and off +we went to Switzerland. And in the autumn we travelled all over the +place, and in the winter she coughed and groaned, and the next season +would not go up until the last court, so I have only had a month of +London. The bronchitis got perfectly well—it was heart-failure that +killed her, brought on by an attack of temper because Thomas broke the +Carruthers vase. I shall not write of her death, or the finding of the +will, or the surprise that I was left nothing but a thousand pounds and +a diamond ring.</p> + +<p>Now that I am an adventuress, instead of an heiress, of what good to +chronicle all that! Sufficient to say if Mr. Carruthers does not obey +his orders and offer me his hand this afternoon, I shall have to pack my +trunks and depart by Saturday, but where to is yet in the lap of the +gods.</p> + +<p>He is coming by the 3.20 train, and will be in the house before four, an +ugly, dull time; one can't offer him tea, and it will be altogether +trying and exciting.</p> + +<p>He is coming ostensibly to take over his place, I suppose, but in +reality it is to look at me, and see if in any way he will be able to +persuade himself to carry out his aunt's wishes. I wonder what it will +be like to be married to some one you don't know and don't like? I am +not greatly acquainted yet with the ways of men. We have not had any +that you could call that here, much—only a lot of old wicked sort of +things, in the autumn, to shoot the pheasants, and play bridge with Mrs. +Carruthers. The marvel to me was how they ever killed anything, such +antiques they were! Some politicians and ambassadors, and creatures of +that sort; and mostly as wicked as could be. They used to come trotting +down the passage to the school-room, and have tea with <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> and +me on the slightest provocation, and say such things! I am sure lots of +what they said meant something else, <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> used to giggle so. She +was rather a good-looking one I had the last four years, but I hated +her. There was never any one young and human who counted.</p> + +<p>I did look forward to coming out in London, but being so late, every one +was preoccupied when we got there, and no one got in love with me much. +Indeed, we went out very little; a part of the time I had a swollen +nose from a tennis-ball at Ranelagh, and people don't look at girls with +swollen noses.</p> + +<p>I wonder where I shall go and live! Perhaps in Paris—unless, of course, +I marry Mr. Carruthers. I don't suppose it is dull being married. In +London all the married ones seemed to have a lovely time, and had not to +bother with their husbands much.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Carruthers always assured me love was a thing of absolutely no +consequence in marriage. You were bound to love some one some time, but +the very fact of being chained to him would dispel the feeling. It was a +thing to be looked upon like measles, or any other disease, and was +better to get it over and then turn to the solid affairs of life. But +how she expected me to get it over when she never arranged for me to see +any one, I don't know.</p> + +<p>I asked her one day what I should do if I got to like some one after I +am married to Mr. Carruthers, and she laughed one of her horrid laughs, +and said I should probably do as the rest of the world. And what do they +do, I wonder? Well, I suppose I shall find out some day.</p> + +<p>Of course there is the possibility that Christopher (do I like the name +of Christopher, I wonder?)—well, that Christopher may not want to +follow her will.</p> + +<p>He has known about it for years, I suppose, just as I have, but I +believe men are queer creatures, and he may take a dislike to me. I am +not a type that would please every one. My hair is too red—brilliant, +dark, fiery red, like a chestnut when it tumbles out of its shell, only +burnished like metal. If I had the usual white eyelashes I should be +downright ugly, but, thank goodness! by some freak of nature mine are +black and thick, and stick out when you look at me sideways, and I often +think when I catch sight of myself in the glass that I am really very +pretty—all put together—but, as I said before, not a type to please +every one.</p> + +<p>A combination I am that Mrs. Carruthers assured me would cause +anxieties. "With that mixture, Evangeline," she often said, "you would +do well to settle yourself in life as soon as possible. Good girls don't +have your coloring." So you see, as I am branded as bad from the +beginning, it does not much matter what I do. My eyes are as green as +pale emeralds, and long, and not going down at the corners with the +Madonna expression of Cicely Parker, the vicar's daughter. I do not know +yet what is being good, or being bad; perhaps I shall find out when I am +an adventuress, or married to Mr. Carruthers.</p> + +<p>All I know is that I want to <i>live</i>, and feel the blood rushing through +my veins. I want to do as I please, and not have to be polite when I am +burning with rage. I want to be late in the morning if I happen to +fancy sleeping, and I want to sit up at night if I don't want to go to +bed! So, as you can do what you like when you are married, I really hope +Mr. Carruthers will take a fancy to me, and then all will be well! I +shall stay up-stairs until I hear the carriage wheels, and leave Mr. +Barton—the lawyer—to receive him. Then I shall saunter down +nonchalantly while they are in the hall. It will be an effective +entrance. My trailing black garments, and the great broad stairs—this +is a splendid house—and if he has an eye in his head he must see my +foot on each step! Even Mrs. Carruthers said I have the best foot she +had ever seen. I am getting quite excited—I shall ring for Véronique +and begin to dress!... I shall write more presently.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Thursday_evening" id="Thursday_evening"></a>Thursday evening.</h1> + + +<p>It is evening, and the fire is burning brightly in my sitting-room, +where I am writing. <i>My</i> sitting-room!—did I say? Mr. Carruthers's +sitting-room, I meant—for it is mine no longer, and on Saturday, the +day after to-morrow, I shall have to bid good-bye to it forever.</p> + +<p>For—yes, I may as well say it at once—the affair did not walk; Mr. +Carruthers quietly, but firmly, refused to obey his aunt's will, and +thus I am left an old maid!</p> + +<p>I must go back to this afternoon to make it clear, and I must say my +ears tingle as I think of it.</p> + +<p>I rang for Véronique, and put on my new black afternoon frock, which had +just been unpacked. I tucked in the violets in a careless way, saw that +my hair was curling as vigorously as usual, and not too rebelliously for +a demure appearance, and so, at exactly the right moment, began to +descend the stairs.</p> + +<p>There was Mr. Carruthers in the hall. A horribly nice-looking, tall man, +with a clean-shaven face and features cut out of stone, a square chin, +and a nasty twinkle in the corner of his eye. He has a very +distinguished look, and that air of never having had to worry for his +things to fit; they appear as if they had grown on him. He has a cold, +reserved manner, and something commanding and arrogant in it that makes +one want to contradict him at once; but his voice is charming—one of +that cultivated, refined kind, which sounds as if he spoke a number of +languages, and so does not slur his words. I believe this is diplomatic, +for some of the old ambassador people had this sort of voice.</p> + +<p>He was standing with his back to the fire, and the light of the big +window with the sun getting low was full on his face, so I had a good +look at him. I said in the beginning that there was no use pretending +when one is writing one's own thoughts for one's own self to read when +one is old, and keeping them in a locked-up journal, so I shall always +tell the truth here—quite different things to what I should say if I +were talking to some one and describing to them this scene. Then I +should say I found him utterly unattractive, and, in fact, I hardly +noticed him! As it was, I noticed him very much, and I have a tiresome +inward conviction that he could be very attractive indeed, if he liked.</p> + +<p>He looked up, and I came forward with my best demure air as Mr. Barton +nervously introduced us, and we shook hands. I left him to speak first.</p> + +<p>"Abominably cold day," he said, carelessly. That was English and +promising!</p> + +<p>"Yes, indeed," I said. "You have just arrived?"</p> + +<p>And so we continued in this <i>banal</i> way, with Mr. Barton twirling his +thumbs, and hoping, one could see, that we should soon come to the +business of the day; interposing a remark here and there which added to +the <i lang="fr">gêne</i> of the situation.</p> + +<p>At last Mr. Carruthers said to Mr. Barton that he would go round and see +the house, and I said tea would be ready when they got back. And so they +started.</p> + +<p>My cheeks would burn, and my hands were so cold, it was awkward and +annoying—not half the simple affair I had thought it would be +up-stairs.</p> + +<p>When it was quite dark and the lamps were brought, they came back to the +hall, and Mr. Barton, saying he did not want any tea, left us to find +papers in the library.</p> + +<p>I gave Mr. Carruthers some tea, and asked the usual things about sugar +and cream. His eye had almost a look of contempt as he glanced at me, +and I felt an angry throb in my throat. When he had finished he got up +and stood before the fire again. Then, deliberately, as a man who has +determined to do his duty at any cost, he began to speak.</p> + +<p>"You know the wish, or, rather, I should say, the command, my aunt left +me," he said. "In fact, she states that she had always brought you up to +the idea. It is rather a tiresome thing to discuss with a stranger, but +perhaps we had better get it over as soon as possible, as that is what I +came down here to-day for. The command was I should marry you." He +paused a moment. I remained perfectly still, with my hands idly clasped +in my lap, and made myself keep my eyes on his face.</p> + +<p>He continued, finding I did not answer, just a faint tone of resentment +creeping into his voice—because I would not help him out, I suppose. I +should think not! I loved annoying him!</p> + +<p>"It is a preposterous idea in these days for any one to dispose of +people's destinies in this way, and I am sure you will agree with me +that such a marriage would be impossible."</p> + +<p>"Of course I agree," I replied, lying with a tone of careless sincerity. +I had to control all my real feelings of either anger or pleasure for so +long in Mrs. Carruthers's presence that I am now an adept.</p> + +<p>"I am so glad you put it so plainly," I went on, sweetly. "I was +wondering how I should write it to you, but now you are here it is +quite easy for us to finish the matter at once. Whatever Mrs. Carruthers +may have intended me to do, I had no intention of obeying her; but it +would have been useless for me to say so to her, and so I waited until +the time for speech should come. Won't you have some more tea?"</p> + +<p>He looked at me very straightly, almost angrily, for an instant; +presently, with a sigh of relief, he said, half laughing:</p> + +<p>"Then we are agreed; we need say no more about it!"</p> + +<p>"No more," I answered; and I smiled, too, although a rage of anger was +clutching my throat. I do not know who I was angry with—Mrs. Carruthers +for procuring this situation, Christopher for being insensible to my +charms, or myself for ever having contemplated for a second the +possibility of his doing otherwise. Why, when one thinks of it calmly, +should he want to marry me, a penniless adventuress with green eyes and +red hair that he had never seen before in his life? I hoped he thought I +was a person of naturally high color, because my cheeks from the moment +I began to dress had been burning and burning. It might have given him +the idea the scene was causing me some emotion, and that he should never +know!</p> + +<p>He took some more tea, but he did not drink it, and by this I guessed +that he also was not as calm as he looked!</p> + +<p>"There is something else," he said—and now there was almost an +awkwardness in his voice—"something else which I want to say, though +perhaps Mr. Barton could say it for me, but which I would rather say +straight to you, and that is, you must let me settle such a sum of money +on you as you had every right to expect from my aunt, after the promises +I understand she always made to you——"</p> + +<p>This time I did not wait for him to finish. I bounded up from my seat, +some uncontrollable sensation of wounded pride throbbing and thrilling +through me.</p> + +<p>"Money! Money from you!" I exclaimed. "Not if I were starving." Then I +sat down again, ashamed of this vehemence. How would he interpret it! +But it galled me so—and yet I had been ready an hour ago to have +accepted him as my husband! Why, then, this revolt at the idea of +receiving a fair substitute in gold? Really, one is a goose, and I had +time to realize, even in this tumult of emotion, that there can be +nothing so inconsistent as the feelings of a girl.</p> + +<p>"You must not be foolish!" he said, coldly. "I intend to settle the +money whether you will or no, so do not make any further trouble about +it!"</p> + +<p>There was something in his voice so commanding and arrogant, just as I +noticed at first, that every obstinate quality in my nature rose to +answer him.</p> + +<p>"I do not know anything about the law in the matter; you may settle what +you choose, but I shall never touch any of it," I said, as calmly as I +could. "So it seems ridiculous to waste the money, does it not? You may +not, perhaps, be aware I have enough of my own, and do not in any way +require yours."</p> + +<p>He became colder and more exasperated.</p> + +<p>"As you please, then," he said, snappishly, and Mr. Barton fortunately +entering at that moment, the conversation was cut short, and I left +them.</p> + +<p>They are not going back to London until to-morrow morning, and dinner +has yet to be got through. Oh, I do feel in a temper! and I can never +tell of the emotions that were throbbing through me as I came up the +great stairs just now. A sudden awakening to the humiliation of the +situation! How had I ever been able to contemplate marrying a man I did +not know, just to secure myself a comfortable home! It seems +preposterous now. I suppose it was because I have always been brought up +to the idea, and, until I came face to face with the man, it did not +strike me as odd. Fortunately he can never guess that I had been willing +to accept him; my dissimulation has stood me in good stead. Now I am +animated by only one idea—to appear as agreeable and charming to Mr. +Carruthers as possible. The aim and object of my life shall be to make +him regret his decision. When I hear him imploring me to marry him, I +shall regain a little of my self-respect! And as for marriage, I shall +have nothing to do with the horrid affair! Oh, dear, no! I shall go away +free and be a happy adventuress. I have read the <i lang="fr">Trois Mousquetaires</i> +and <i lang="fr">Vingt Ans Après</i>—<span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> had them—and I remember milady had +only three days to get round her jailer, starting with his hating her; +whereas Mr. Carruthers does not hate me, so that counts against my only +having one evening. I shall do my best!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Thursday_night" id="Thursday_night"></a>Thursday night.</h1> + + +<p>I was down in the library, innocently reading a book, when Mr. +Carruthers came in. He looked even better in evening dress, but he +appeared ill-tempered, and no doubt found the situation unpleasant.</p> + +<p>"Is not this a beautiful house?" I said, in a velvet voice, to break the +awkward silence, and show him I did not share his unease. "You had not +seen it before, for ages, had you?"</p> + +<p>"Not since I was a boy," he answered, trying to be polite. "My aunt +quarrelled with my father—she was the direct heiress of all this—and +married her cousin, my father's younger brother—but you know the family +history, of course——"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"They hated each other, she and my father."</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Carruthers hated all her relations," I said, demurely.</p> + +<p>"Myself among them?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said, slowly, and bent forward so that the lamplight should +fall upon my hair. "She said you were too much like herself in character +for you ever to be friends."</p> + +<p>"Is that a compliment?" he asked, and there was a twinkle in his eye.</p> + +<p>"We must speak no ill of the dead," I said, evasively.</p> + +<p>He looked slightly annoyed—as much as these diplomats ever let +themselves look anything.</p> + +<p>"You are right," he said. "Let her rest in peace."</p> + +<p>There was silence for a moment.</p> + +<p>"What are you going to do with your life now?" he asked, presently. It +was a bald question.</p> + +<p>"I shall become an adventuress," I answered, deliberately.</p> + +<p>"A <i>what</i>?" he exclaimed, his black eyebrows contracting.</p> + +<p>"An adventuress. Is not that what it is called? A person who sees life, +and has to do the best she can for herself."</p> + +<p>He laughed. "You strange little lady!" he said, his irritation with me +melting. And when he laughs you can see how even his teeth are; but the +two side ones are sharp and pointed, like a wolf's.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps, after all, you had better have married me!"</p> + +<p>"No, that would clip my wings," I said, frankly, looking at him straight +in the face.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Barton tells me you propose leaving here on Saturday. I beg you +will not do so. Please consider it your home for so long as you +wish—until you can make some arrangements for yourself. You look so +very young to be going about the world alone!"</p> + +<p>He bent down and gazed at me closer—there was an odd tone in his voice.</p> + +<p>"I am twenty, and I have been often snubbed," I said, calmly. "That +prepares one for a good deal. I shall enjoy doing what I please."</p> + +<p>"And what are you going to please?"</p> + +<p>"I shall go to Claridge's until I can look about me."</p> + +<p>He moved uneasily.</p> + +<p>"But have you no relations—no one who will take care of you?"</p> + +<p>"I believe none. My mother was nobody particular, you know—a Miss +Tonkins by name."</p> + +<p>"But your father?" He sat down now on the sofa beside me; there was a +puzzled, amused look in his face; perhaps I was amazing him.</p> + +<p>"Papa? Oh, papa was the last of his family. They were decent people, but +there are no more of them."</p> + +<p>He pushed one of the cushions aside.</p> + +<p>"It is an impossible position for a girl—completely alone. I cannot +allow it. I feel responsible for you. After all, it would do very well +if you married me. I am not particularly domestic by nature, and should +be very little at home, so you could live here and have a certain +position, and I would come back now and then and see you were getting on +all right."</p> + +<p>One could not say if he was mocking or no.</p> + +<p>"It is too good of you," I said, without any irony. "But I like freedom, +and when you were at home it might be such a bore——"</p> + +<p>He leaned back and laughed merrily.</p> + +<p>"You are candid, at any rate!" he said.</p> + +<p>Mr. Barton came into the room at that moment, full of apologies at being +late. Immediately after, with the usual ceremony, the butler entered and +pompously announced, "Dinner is served, sir." How quickly they recognize +the new master!</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers gave me his arm, and we walked slowly down the +picture-gallery to the banqueting-hall, and there sat down at the small, +round table in the middle, that always looks like an island in a lake.</p> + +<p>I talked nicely at dinner. I was dignified and grave, and quite frank. +Mr. Carruthers was not bored. The chef had outdone himself, hoping to be +kept on. I never felt so excited in my life.</p> + +<p>I was apparently asleep under a big lamp, after dinner, in the library, +a book of silly poetry in my lap, when the door opened and he—Mr. +Carruthers—came in alone, and walked up the room. I did not open my +eyes. He looked for just a minute—how accurate I am! Then he said, "You +are very pretty when asleep!"</p> + +<p>His voice was not caressing or complimentary—merely as if the fact had +forced this utterance.</p> + +<p>I allowed myself to wake without a start.</p> + +<p>"Was the '47 port as good as you hoped?" I asked, sympathetically.</p> + +<p>He sat down. I had arranged my chair so that there was none other in its +immediate neighborhood. Thus he was some way off, and could realize my +whole silhouette.</p> + +<p>"The '47 port? Oh yes; but I am not going to talk of port. I want you to +tell me a lot more about yourself, and your plans——"</p> + +<p>"I have no plans—except to see the world."</p> + +<p>He picked up a book and put it down again; he was not perfectly calm.</p> + +<p>"I don't think I shall let you. I am more than ever convinced you ought +to have some one to take care of you—you are not of the type that makes +it altogether safe to roam about alone."</p> + +<p>"Oh! as for my type," I said, languidly, "I know all about that. Mrs. +Carruthers said no one with this combination of color could be good, so +I am not going to try. It will be quite simple."</p> + +<p>He rose quickly from his chair and stood in front of the great log fire, +such a comical expression on his face.</p> + +<p>"You are the quaintest child I have ever met," he said.</p> + +<p>"I am not a child, and I mean to know everything I can."</p> + +<p>He went over towards the sofa again and arranged the cushions—great, +splendid, fat pillows of old Italian brocade, stiff with gold and +silver.</p> + +<p>"Come!" he pleaded. "Sit here beside me, and let us talk; you are miles +away there, and I want to—make you see reason."</p> + +<p>I rose at once and came slowly to where he pointed. I settled myself +deliberately. There was one cushion of purple and silver right under the +light, and there I rested my head.</p> + +<p>"Now talk!" I said, and half closed my eyes.</p> + +<p>Oh, I was enjoying myself! The first time I have ever been alone with a +real man! They—the old ambassadors and politicians and generals—used +always to tell me I should grow into an attractive woman—now I meant to +try what I could do.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers remained silent, but he sat down beside me, and looked +and looked right into my eyes.</p> + +<p>"Now talk, then," I said again.</p> + +<p>"Do you know, you are a very disturbing person," he said, at last, by +way of a beginning.</p> + +<p>"What is that?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"It is a woman who confuses one's thoughts when one looks at her. I do +not now seem to have anything to say, or too much——"</p> + +<p>"You called me a child."</p> + +<p>"I should have called you an enigma."</p> + +<p>I assured him I was not the least complex, and that I only wanted +everything simple, and to be left in peace, without having to get +married or worry to obey people.</p> + +<p>We had a nice talk.</p> + +<p>"You won't leave here on Saturday," he said, presently, apropos of +nothing. "I do not think I shall go myself to-morrow. I want you to show +me all over the gardens, and your favorite haunts."</p> + +<p>"To-morrow I shall be busy packing," I said, gravely, "and I do not +think I want to show you the gardens; there are some corners I rather +loved; I believe it will hurt a little to say good-bye."</p> + +<p>Just then Mr. Barton came into the room, fussy and ill at ease. Mr. +Carruthers's face hardened again, and I rose to say good-night.</p> + +<p>As he opened the door for me—"Promise you will come down to give me my +coffee in the morning," he said.</p> + +<p>"<span lang="fr">Qui vivra verra</span>," I answered, and sauntered out into the hall. He +followed me, and watched as I went up the staircase.</p> + +<p>"Good-night!" I called, softly, as I got to the top, and laughed a +little—I don't know why.</p> + +<p>He bounded up the stairs, three steps at a time, and before I could turn +the handle of my door he stood beside me.</p> + +<p>"I do not know what there is about you," he said, "but you drive me mad. +I shall insist upon carrying out my aunt's wish, after all! I shall +marry you, and never let you out of my sight—do you hear?"</p> + +<p>Oh, such a strange sense of exaltation crept over me—it is with me +still! Of course, he probably will not mean all that to-morrow, but to +have made such a stiff block of stone rush up-stairs and say this much +now is perfectly delightful!</p> + +<p>I looked at him up from under my eyelashes. "No, you will not marry me," +I said, calmly, "or do anything else I don't like; and now, really, +good-night," and I slipped into my room and closed the door. I could +hear he did not stir for some seconds. Then he went off down the stairs +again, and I am alone with my thoughts!</p> + +<p>My thoughts! I wonder what they mean! What did I do that had this effect +upon him? I intended to do something, and I did it, but I am not quite +sure what it was. However, that is of no consequence. Sufficient for me +to know that my self-respect is restored and I can now go out and see +the world with a clear conscience.</p> + +<p><i>He</i> has asked me to marry him—and <i>I</i> have said I won't!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Branches_Park1" id="Branches_Park1"></a>Branches Park, +<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a><br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Thursday night,</span> November 3.</span> +</h1> + + +<div class="letter"> +<span class="smcap">Dear Bob</span>,— + +<p>A quaint thing has happened to me! Came down here to take over the +place, and to say decidedly I would not marry Miss Travers, and I find +her with red hair and a skin like milk, and a pair of green eyes that +look at you from a forest of black eyelashes with a thousand unsaid +challenges. I should not wonder if I commit some folly. One has read of +women like this in the <i lang="it">cinque-cento</i> time in Italy, but up to now I had +never met one. She is not in the room ten minutes before one feels a +sense of unrest, and desire for one hardly knows what—principally to +touch her, I fancy. Good Lord! what a skin! pure milk and rare +roses—and the reddest Cupid's bow of a mouth! You had better come down +at once (these things are probably in your line) to save me from some +sheer idiocy. The situation is exceptional—she and I practically alone +in the house, for old Barton does not count. She had nowhere to go, and +as far as I can make out has not a friend in the world. I suppose I +ought to leave. I will try to on Monday; but come down to-morrow by the +4.00 train.</p> + +<div class="signature1"> +Yours, +</div> +<div class="signature2 smcap"> +Christopher. +</div> + + + +<p>P. S.—'47 port A1, and two or three brands of the old aunt's champagne +exceptional, Barton says—we can sample them. Shall send this up by +express; you will get it in time for the 4.00 train.</p> +</div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> +A letter from Mr. Carruthers which came into Evangeline's +possession later, and which she put into her journal at this +place.—<span class="smcap">Editor's Note.</span></p></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Branches" id="Branches"></a>Branches,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Friday night,</span> November 4th.</span> +</h1> + + +<p>This morning Mr. Carruthers had his coffee alone. Mr. Barton and I +breakfasted quite early, before nine o'clock, and just as I was calling +the dogs in the hall for a run, with my out-door things already on, Mr. +Carruthers came down the great stairs with a frown on his face.</p> + +<p>"Up so early!" he said. "Are you not going to pour out my tea for me, +then?"</p> + +<p>"I thought you said coffee! No, I am going out," and I went on down the +corridor, the wolf-hounds following me.</p> + +<p>"You are not a kind hostess!" he called after me.</p> + +<p>"I am not a hostess at all," I answered back—"only a guest."</p> + +<p>He followed me. "Then you are a very casual guest, not consulting the +pleasure of your host."</p> + +<p>I said nothing. I only looked at him over my shoulder as I went down the +marble steps—looked at him and laughed, as on the night before.</p> + +<p>He turned back into the house without a word, and I did not see him +again until just before luncheon.</p> + +<p>There is something unpleasant about saying good-bye to a place, and I +found I had all sorts of sensations rising in my throat at various +points in my walk. However, all that is ridiculous and must be +forgotten. As I was coming round the corner of the terrace, a great gust +of wind nearly blew me into Mr. Carruthers's arms. Odious weather we are +having this autumn!</p> + +<p>"Where have you been all the morning?" he said, when we had recovered +ourselves a little. "I have searched for you all over the place."</p> + +<p>"You do not know it all yet, or you would have found me," I said, +pretending to walk on.</p> + +<p>"No, you shall not go now!" he exclaimed, pacing beside me. "Why won't +you be amiable, and make me feel at home?"</p> + +<p>"I do apologize if I have been unamiable," I said, with great frankness. +"Mrs. Carruthers always brought me up to have such good manners."</p> + +<p>After that he talked to me for half an hour about the place.</p> + +<p>He seemed to have forgotten his vehemence of the night before. He asked +all sorts of questions, and showed a sentiment and a delicacy I should +not have expected from his hard face. I was quite sorry when the gong +sounded for luncheon and we went in.</p> + +<p>I have no settled plan in my head. I seem to be drifting—tasting for +the first time some power over another human being. It gave me delicious +thrills to see his eagerness when contrasted with the dry refusal of my +hand only the day before.</p> + +<p>At lunch I addressed myself to Mr. Barton; he was too flattered at my +attention, and continued to chatter garrulously.</p> + +<p>The rain came on and poured and beat against the window-panes with a +sudden, angry thud. No chance of further walks abroad. I escaped +up-stairs while the butler was speaking to Mr. Carruthers, and began +helping Véronique to pack. Chaos and desolation it all seemed in my +cosey rooms.</p> + +<p>While I was on my knees in front of a great wooden box, hopelessly +trying to stow away books, a crisp tap came to the door, and without +more ado my host—yes, he is that now—entered the room.</p> + +<p>"Good Lord! what is all this?" he exclaimed. "What are you doing?"</p> + +<p>"Packing," I said, not getting up.</p> + +<p>He made an impatient gesture.</p> + +<p>"Nonsense!" he said. "There is no need to pack. I tell you I will not +let you go. I am going to marry you and keep you here always."</p> + +<p>I sat down on the floor and began to laugh.</p> + +<p>"You think so, do you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"You can't force me to marry you, you know—can you? I want to see the +world. I don't want any tiresome man bothering after me. If I ever do +marry, it will be because—oh, because—" and I stopped and began +fiddling with the cover of a book.</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Carruthers said it was so foolish—but I believe I should prefer +to marry some one I liked. Oh, I know you think that silly—" and I +stopped him as he was about to speak—"but of course, as it does not +last, anyway, it might be good for a little to begin like that—don't +you think so?"</p> + +<p>He looked round the room, and on through the wide-open double doors into +my dainty bedroom, where Véronique was still packing.</p> + +<p>"You are very cosey here; it is absurd of you to leave it," he said.</p> + +<p>I got up off the floor and went to the window and back. I don't know why +I felt moved—a sudden sense of the cosiness came over me. The world +looked wet and bleak outside.</p> + +<p>"Why do you say you want me to marry you, Mr. Carruthers?" I said. "You +are joking, of course."</p> + +<p>"I am not joking. I am perfectly serious. I am ready to carry out my +aunt's wishes. It can be no new idea to you, and you must have worldly +sense enough to realize it would be the best possible solution of your +future. I can show you the world, you know."</p> + +<p>He appeared to be extraordinarily good-looking as he stood there, his +face to the dying light. Supposing I took him at his word, after all!</p> + +<p>"But what has suddenly changed your ideas since yesterday? You told me +you had come down to make it clear to me that you could not possibly +obey her orders."</p> + +<p>"That was yesterday," he said. "I had not really seen you—to-day I +think differently."</p> + +<p>"It is just because you are sorry for me; I suppose I seem so lonely," I +whispered, demurely.</p> + +<p>"It is perfectly impossible, what you propose to do—to go and live by +yourself at a London hotel—the idea drives me mad."</p> + +<p>"It will be delightful—no one to order me about from day to night!"</p> + +<p>"Listen," he said, and he flung himself into an arm-chair. "You can +marry me, and I will take you to Paris, or where you want, and I won't +order you about—only I shall keep the other beasts of men from looking +at you."</p> + +<p>But I told him at once that I thought that would be very dull. "I have +never had the chance of any one looking at me," I said, "and I want to +feel what it is like. Mrs. Carruthers always assured me I was very +pretty, you know, only she said that I was certain to come to a bad end, +because of my type, unless I got married at once, and then if my head +was screwed on it would not matter; but I don't agree with her."</p> + +<p>He walked up and down the room impatiently.</p> + +<p>"That is just it," he said. "I would rather be the first—I would rather +you began by me. I am strong enough to ward off the rest."</p> + +<p>"What does 'beginning by you' mean?" I asked, with great candor. "Old +Lord Bentworth said I should begin with him, when he was here to shoot +pheasants last autumn; he said it could not matter, he was so old; but I +didn't——"</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers bounded up from his chair.</p> + +<p>"You didn't what! Good Lord! what did he want you to do?" he asked, +aghast.</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, and I looked down for a moment; I felt stupidly shy. "He +wanted me to kiss him."</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers looked almost relieved. It was strange.</p> + +<p>"The old wretch! Nice company my aunt seems to have kept!" he exclaimed. +"Could she not take better care of you than that—to let you be insulted +by her guests?"</p> + +<p>"I don't think Lord Bentworth meant to insult me. He only said he had +never seen such a red, curly mouth as mine; and as I was bound to go to +the devil some day with that, and such hair, I might begin by kissing +him—he explained it all."</p> + +<p>"And were you not very angry?" his voice wrathful.</p> + +<p>"No, not very; I could not be, I was shaking so with laughter. If you +could have seen the silly old thing, like a wizened monkey, with dyed +hair and an eye-glass—it was too comic! I only told you because you +said the sentence 'begin with you,' and I wanted to know if it was the +same thing——"</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers's eyes had such a strange expression—puzzle and +amusement, and something else. He came over close to me.</p> + +<p>"Because," I went on, "if so—I believe if that is always the beginning, +I don't want any beginnings. I haven't the slightest desire to kiss any +one. I should simply hate it."</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers laughed. "Oh, you are only a baby child, after all!" he +said.</p> + +<p>This annoyed me. I got up with great dignity. "Tea will be ready in the +white drawing-room," I said, stiffly, and walked towards my bedroom +door.</p> + +<p>He came after me.</p> + +<p>"Send your maid away, and let us have it up here," he said. "I like this +room."</p> + +<p>But I was not to be appeased thus easily, and deliberately called +Véronique and gave her fresh directions.</p> + +<p>"Poor old Mr. Barton will be feeling so lonely," I said, as I went out +into the passage. "I am going to see that he has a nice tea," and I +looked back at Mr. Carruthers over my shoulder. Of course, he followed +me, and we went together down the stairs.</p> + +<p>In the hall a footman with a telegram met us. He tore it open +impatiently. Then he looked quite annoyed.</p> + +<p>"I hope you won't mind," he said, "but a friend of mine, Lord Robert +Vavasour, is arriving this afternoon. He is a—er—great judge of +pictures. I forgot I asked him to come down and look at them; it clean +went out of my head."</p> + +<p>I told him he was host, and why should I object to what guests he had.</p> + +<p>"Besides, I am going myself to-morrow," I said, "if Véronique can get +the packing done."</p> + +<p>"Nonsense! How can I make you understand that I do not mean to let you +go at all?"</p> + +<p>I did not answer—only looked at him defiantly.</p> + +<p>Mr. Barton was waiting patiently for us in the white drawing-room, and +we had not been munching muffins for five minutes when the sound of +wheels crunching the gravel of the great sweep—the windows of this room +look out that way—interrupted our made conversation.</p> + +<p>"This must be Bob arriving," Mr. Carruthers said, and went reluctantly +into the hall to meet his guest.</p> + +<p>They came back together presently, and he introduced Lord Robert to me.</p> + +<p>I felt at once he was rather a pet. Such a shape! Just like the Apollo +Belvedere! I do love that look, with a tiny waist and nice shoulders, +and looking as if he were as lithe as a snake, and yet could break +pokers in half like Mr. Rochester in <i>Jane Eyre</i>.</p> + +<p>He has great, big, sleepy eyes of blue, and rather a plaintive +expression, and a little fairish mustache turned up at the corners, and +the nicest mouth one ever saw; and when you see him moving, and the back +of his head, it makes you think all the time of a beautifully groomed +thorough-bred horse. I don't know why. At once—in a minute—when we +looked at each other, I felt I should like "Bob." He has none of Mr. +Carruthers's cynical, hard expression, and I am sure he can't be nearly +as old—not more than twenty-seven or so.</p> + +<p>He seemed perfectly at home—sat down and had tea, and talked in the +most casual, friendly way. Mr. Carruthers appeared to freeze up, Mr. +Barton got more <i>banal</i>, and the whole thing entertained me immensely.</p> + +<p>I often used to long for adventures in the old days with Mrs. +Carruthers, and here I am really having them!</p> + +<p>Such a situation! I am sure people would think it most improper! I alone +in the house with these three men! I felt I really would have to go—but +where?</p> + +<p>Meanwhile I have every intention of amusing myself.</p> + +<p>Lord Robert and I seemed to have a hundred things to say to each other. +I do like his voice—and he is so perfectly <i lang="fr">sans gêne</i> it makes no +difficulties. By the end of tea we were as old friends. Mr. Carruthers +got more and more polite and stiff, and finally jumped up and hurried +his guest off to the smoking-room.</p> + +<p>I put on such a duck of a frock for dinner—one of the sweetest, +chastened simplicity, in black, showing peeps of skin through the thin +part at the top. Nothing could be more demure or becoming, and my hair +would not behave, and stuck out in rebellious waves and curls +everywhere.</p> + +<p>I thought it would be advisable not to be in too good time, so sauntered +down after I knew dinner was announced.</p> + +<p>They were both standing on the hearth-rug. I always forget to count Mr. +Barton; he was in some chair, I suppose, but I did not notice him.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers is the taller—about one inch. He must be a good deal +over six feet, because the other one is very tall, too; but now that one +saw them together, Mr. Carruthers's figure appeared stiff and set +besides Lord Robert's, and he hasn't got nearly such a little waist. But +they really are lovely creatures, both of them, and I don't yet know +which I like best.</p> + +<p>We had such an engaging time at dinner! I was as provoking as I could be +in the time, sympathetically, absorbingly interested in Mr. Barton's +long stories, and only looking at the other two now and then from under +my eyelashes; while I talked in the best demure fashion that I am sure +even Lady Katherine Montgomerie—a neighbor of ours—would have approved +of.</p> + +<p>They should not be able to say I could not chaperone myself in any +situation.</p> + +<p>"Dam good port this, Christopher," Lord Robert said, when the '47 was +handed round. "Is this what you asked me down to sample?"</p> + +<p>"I thought it was to give your opinion about the pictures?" I exclaimed, +surprised. "Mr. Carruthers said you were a great judge."</p> + +<p>They looked at each other.</p> + +<p>"Oh—ah—yes," said Lord Robert, lying transparently. "Pictures are +awfully interesting. Will you show me them after dinner?"</p> + +<p>"The light is too dim for a connoisseur to investigate them properly," I +said.</p> + +<p>"I shall have it all lit by electricity as soon as possible; I wrote +about it to-day," Mr. Carruthers announced, sententiously. "But I will +show you the pictures myself, to-morrow, Bob."</p> + +<p>This at once decided me to take Lord Robert round to-night, and I told +him so in a velvet voice while Mr. Barton was engaging Christopher's +attention.</p> + +<p>They stayed such a long time in the dining-room after I left that I was +on my way to bed when they came out into the hall, and could with +difficulty be persuaded to remain—for a few moments.</p> + +<p>"I am too awfully sorry," Lord Robert said. "I could not get away. I do +not know what possessed Christopher; he would sample ports, and talked +the hind-leg off a donkey, till at last I said to him straight out I +wanted to come to you. So here I am. Now you won't go to bed, will +you?—please, please."</p> + +<p>He has such pleading blue eyes, imploring pathetically, like a baby in +distress, it is quite impossible to resist him—and we started down the +gallery.</p> + +<p>Of course, he did not know the difference between a Canaletto and a +Turner, and hardly made a pretence of being interested; in fact, when we +got to the end where the early Italians hang, and I was explaining the +wonderful texture of a Madonna, he said:</p> + +<p>"They all look sea-sick and out of shape. Don't you think we might sit +in that comfy window-seat and talk of something else?" Then he told me +he loved pictures, but not this sort.</p> + +<p>"I like people to look human, you know, even on canvas," he said. "All +these ladies appear as if they were getting enteric, like people used in +Africa; and I don't like their halos and things; and all the men are old +and bald. But you must not think me a Goth. You will teach me their +points, won't you?—and then I shall love them."</p> + +<p>I said I did not care a great deal for them myself, except the color.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I am so glad!" he said. "I should like to find we admired the same +things; but no picture could interest me as much as your hair. It is the +loveliest thing I have ever seen, and you do it so beautifully."</p> + +<p>That did please me. He has the most engaging ways—Lord Robert—and he +is very well informed, not stupid a bit, or thick, only absolutely +simple and direct. We talked softly together, quite happy for a while.</p> + +<p>Then Mr. Carruthers got rid of Mr. Barton and came towards us. I settled +myself more comfortably on the velvet cushions. Purple velvet cushions +and curtains in this gallery, good old relics of early Victorian taste. +Lots of the house is awful, but these curtains always please me.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers's face was as stern as a stone bust of Augustus Cæsar. I +am sure the monks in the Inquisition looked like that. I do wonder what +he was going to say, but Lord Robert did not give him time.</p> + +<p>"Do go away, Christopher," he said. "Miss Travers is going to teach me +things about Italian Madonnas, and I can't keep my attention if there is +a third person about."</p> + +<p>I suppose if Mr. Carruthers had not been a diplomat he would have sworn, +but I believe that kind of education makes you able to put your face +how you like, so he smiled sweetly and took a chair near.</p> + +<p>"I shall not leave you, Bob," he said. "I do not consider you are a good +companion for Miss Evangeline. I am responsible for her, and I am going +to take care of her."</p> + +<p>"Then you should not have asked him here if he is not a respectable +person," I said, innocently. "But Italian Madonnas ought to chasten and +elevate his thoughts. Anyway, your responsibility towards me is +self-constituted. I am the only person whom I mean to obey," and I +settled myself deliberately in the velvet pillows.</p> + +<p>"Not a good companion!" exclaimed Lord Robert. "What dam cheek, +Christopher! I have not my equal in the whole Household Cavalry, as you +know."</p> + +<p>They both laughed, and we continued to talk in a sparring way—Mr. +Carruthers sharp and subtle, and fine as a sword-blade; Lord Robert +downright and simple, with an air of a puzzled baby.</p> + +<p>When I thought they were both wanting me very much to stay, I got up and +said good-night.</p> + +<p>They both came down the gallery with me, and insisted upon each lighting +a candle from the row of burnished silver candlesticks in the hall, +which they presented to me with great mock-homage. It annoyed me—I +don't know why—and I suddenly froze up and declined them both, while I +said good-night again stiffly, and walked in my most stately manner up +the stairs.</p> + +<p>I could see Lord Robert's eyebrows puckered into a more plaintive +expression than ever while he let the beautiful silver candlestick hang, +dropping the grease onto the polished oak floor.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers stood quite still, and put his light back on the table. +His face was cynical and rather amused. I can't say what irritation I +felt, and immediately decided to leave on the morrow—but where to, fate +or the devil could only know.</p> + +<p>When I got to my room a lump came in my throat. Véronique had gone to +bed, tired out with her day's packing.</p> + +<p>I suddenly felt utterly alone—all the exaltation gone. For the moment I +hated the two down-stairs. I felt the situation equivocal and untenable, +and it had amused me so much an hour ago.</p> + +<p>It is stupid and silly, and makes one's nose red, but I felt like crying +a little before I got into bed.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Branches1" id="Branches1"></a>Branches,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Saturday afternoon,</span> November 5th.</span> +</h1> + + +<p>This morning I woke with a headache, to see the rain beating against my +windows, and mist and fog—a fitting day for the 5th of November. I +would not go down to breakfast. Véronique brought me mine to my +sitting-room fire, and, with Spartan determination, I packed steadily +all the morning.</p> + +<p>About twelve a note came up from Lord Robert. I put it in.</p> + +<div class="letter"> +<span class="smcap">Dear Miss Travers</span>,— + +<p>Why are you hiding? Was I a bore last night? Do +forgive me and come down. Has Christopher locked you +in your room? I will murder the brute if he has!</p> + +<div class="signature1">Yours very sincerely,</div> +<div class="signature2 smcap">Robert Vavasour.</div> +</div> + + +<p>"Can't; I am packing," I scribbled in pencil on the envelope, and gave +it back to Charles, who was waiting in the hall for the answer. Two +minutes after, Lord Robert walked into the room, the door of which the +footman had left open.</p> + +<p>"I have come to help you," he said, in that voice of his that sounds so +sure of a welcome you can't snub him. "But where are you going?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know," I said, a little forlornly, and then bent down and +vigorously collected photographs.</p> + +<p>"Oh, but you can't go to London by yourself!" he said, aghast. "Look +here, I will come up with you, and take you to my aunt, Lady Merrenden. +She is such a dear, and I am sure when I have told her all about you she +will be delighted to take care of you for some days until you can hunt +round."</p> + +<p>He looked such a boy, and his face was so kind, I was touched.</p> + +<p>"Oh no, Lord Robert! I cannot do that, but I thank you. I don't want to +be under an obligation to any one," I said, firmly. "Mr. Carruthers +suggests a way out of the difficulty—that I should marry him, and stay +here. I don't think he means it, really, but he pretends he does."</p> + +<p>He sat down on the edge of a table already laden with books, most of +which overbalanced and fell crash on the floor.</p> + +<p>"So Christopher wants you to marry him—the old fox?" he said, +apparently oblivious of the wreck of literature he had caused. "But you +won't do that, will you? And yet I have no business to say that. He is a +dam good friend, Christopher."</p> + +<p>"I am sure you ought not to swear so often, Lord Robert; it shocks me, +brought up as I have been," I said, with the air of a little angel.</p> + +<p>"Do I swear?" he asked, surprised. "Oh no, I don't think so—at least, +there is no 'n' to the end of the 'dams,' so they are only an innocent +ornament to conversation. But I won't do it, if you don't wish me to."</p> + +<p>After that he helped me with the books, and was so merry and kind I soon +felt cheered up, and by lunchtime all were finished and in the boxes +ready to be tied up and taken away. Véronique, too, had made great +progress in the adjoining room, and was standing stiff and <i lang="fr">maussade</i> by +my dressing-table when I came in. She spoke respectfully in French, and +asked me if I had made my plans yet, for, as she explained to me, her +own position seemed precarious, and yet, having been with me for five +years, she did not feel she could leave me at a juncture like this. At +the same time she hoped <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> would make some suitable decision, +as she feared, respectfully, it was "une si drôle de position pour une +demoiselle du monde," alone with "ces messieurs."</p> + +<p>I could not be angry; it was quite true what she said.</p> + +<p>"I shall go up this evening to Claridge's, Véronique," I assured +her—"by about the 5.15 train. We will wire to them after luncheon."</p> + +<p>She seemed comforted, but she added—in the abstract—that a rich +marriage was what was obviously <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span>'s fate, and she felt sure +great happiness and many jewels would await <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> if <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> +could be persuaded to make up her mind. Nothing is sacred from one's +maid. She knew all about Mr. Carruthers, of course. Poor old Véronique! +I have a big, warm corner for her in my heart. Sometimes she treats me +with the frigid respect one would pay to a queen, and at others I am +almost her <i lang="fr">enfant</i>, so tender and motherly she is to me. And she puts +up with all my tempers and moods, and pets me like a baby just when I am +the worst of all.</p> + +<p>Lord Robert had left me reluctantly when the luncheon gong sounded.</p> + +<p>"Haven't we been happy?" he said, taking it for granted I felt the same +as he did. This is a very engaging quality of his, and makes one feel +sympathetic, especially when he looks into one's eyes with his sleepy +blue ones. He has lashes as long and curly as a gypsy's baby.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers was alone in the dining-room when I got in; he was +looking out of the window, and turned round sharply as I came up the +room. I am sure he would like to have been killing flies on the panes if +he had been a boy. His eyes were steel.</p> + +<p>"Where have you been all the time?" he asked, when he had shaken hands +and said good-morning.</p> + +<p>"Up in my room, packing," I said, simply. "Lord Robert was so kind he +helped me. We have got everything done; and may I order the carriage for +the 5.15 train, please?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly not. Confound Lord Robert!" Mr. Carruthers said. "What +business is it of his? You are not to go. I won't let you. Dear, silly +little child!—" his voice was quite moved. "You can't possibly go out +into the world all alone. Evangeline, why won't you marry me? I—do you +know, I believe—I shall love you——"</p> + +<p>"I should have to be <i>perfectly sure</i> that the person I married loved +me, Mr. Carruthers," I said, demurely, "before I consented to finish up +my life like that."</p> + +<p>He had no time to answer, for Mr. Barton and Lord Robert came into the +room.</p> + +<p>There seemed a gloom over luncheon. There were pauses, and Lord Robert +had a more pathetic expression than ever. His hands are a nice +shape—but so are Mr. Carruthers's; they both look very much like +gentlemen.</p> + +<p>Before we had finished, a note was brought in to me. It was from Lady +Katherine Montgomerie. She was too sorry, she said, to hear of my lonely +position, and she was writing to ask if I would not come over and spend +a fortnight with them at Tryland Court.</p> + +<p>It was not well worded, and I had never cared much for Lady Katherine, +but it was fairly kind, and fitted in perfectly with my plans.</p> + +<p>She had probably heard of Mr. Carruthers's arrival, and was scandalized +at my being alone in the house with him.</p> + +<p>Both men had their eyes fixed on my face when I looked up, as I finished +reading the note.</p> + +<p>"Lady Katherine Montgomerie writes to ask me to Tryland," I said. "So if +you will excuse me I will answer it, and say I will come this +afternoon," and I got up.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers rose, too, and followed me into the library. He +deliberately shut the door and came over to the writing-table where I +sat down.</p> + +<p>"Well, if I let you go, will you tell her then that you are engaged to +me, and I am going to marry you as soon as possible?"</p> + +<p>"No, indeed I won't," I said, decidedly. "I am not going to marry you, +or any one, Mr. Carruthers. What do you think of me? Fancy my consenting +to come back here forever, and live with you, when I don't know you a +bit! And having to put up with your—perhaps—kissing me, +and—and—things of that sort. It is perfectly dreadful to think of!"</p> + +<p>He laughed as if in spite of himself. "But supposing I promised not to +kiss you?"</p> + +<p>"Even so," I said, and I couldn't help biting the end of my pen. "It +could happen that I might get a feeling I wanted to kiss some one +else—and there it is! Once you're married, everything nice is wrong!"</p> + +<p>"Evangeline! I won't let you go—out of my life—you strange little +witch! You have upset me, disturbed me—I can settle to nothing. I seem +to want you so very much."</p> + +<p>"<span lang="fr">Pouf</span>!" I said, and I pouted at him.</p> + +<p>"You have everything in your life to fill it—position, riches, friends. +You don't want a green-eyed adventuress."</p> + +<p>I bent down and wrote steadily to Lady Katherine. I would be there about +six o'clock, I said, and thanked her in my best style.</p> + +<p>"If I let you go, it is only for the time," Mr. Carruthers said as I +signed my name. "I <i>intend</i> you to marry me—do you hear?"</p> + +<p>"Again I say, '<span lang="fr">Qui vivre verra!</span>'" I laughed and rose with the note in my +hand.</p> + +<p>Lord Robert looked almost ready to cry when I told him I was off in the +afternoon.</p> + +<p>"I shall see you again," he said. "Lady Katherine is a relation of my +aunt's husband, Lord Merrenden. I don't know her myself, though."</p> + +<p>I do not believe him. How can he see me again? Young men do talk a lot +of nonsense!</p> + +<p>"I shall come over on Wednesday to see how you are getting on," Mr. +Carruthers said. "Please do be in."</p> + +<p>I promised I would, and then I came up-stairs.</p> + +<p>And so it has come to an end, my life at Branches. I am going to start a +new phase of existence, my first beginning as an adventuress!</p> + +<p>How completely all one's ideas can change in a few days! This day three +weeks ago Mrs. Carruthers was alive. This day two weeks ago I found +myself no longer a prospective heiress, and only three days ago I was +contemplating calmly the possibility of marrying Mr. Carruthers; and +now, for heaven, I would not marry any one! And so, for fresh woods and +pastures new! Oh, I want to see the world, and lots of different human +beings; I want to know what it is makes the clock go round—that great +big clock of life. I want to dance and to sing and to laugh, and to +<i>live</i>—and—and—yes, perhaps some day to kiss some one I love!</p> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Tryland_Court_Headington" id="Tryland_Court_Headington"></a> +Tryland Court Headington,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Wednesday,</span> November 9th.</span> +</h1> + + +<p>Goodness gracious! I have been here four whole days, and I continually +ask myself how I shall be able to stand it for the rest of the +fortnight. Before I left Branches, I began to have a sinking at the +heart. There were horribly touching farewells with housekeepers and +people I have known since a child, and one hates to have that choky +feeling, especially as just at the end of it, while tears were still in +my eyes, Mr. Carruthers came out into the hall and saw them; so did Lord +Robert!</p> + +<p>I blinked and blinked, but one would trickle down my nose. It was a +horribly awkward moment.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers made profuse inquiries as to my comforts for the drive, +in a tone colder than ever, and insisted upon my drinking some cherry +brandy. Such fussing is quite unlike his usual manner, so I suppose he, +too, felt it was a tiresome <i lang="fr">quart d'heure</i>. Lord Robert did not hide +his concern; he came up to me and took my hand while Christopher was +speaking to the footman who was going with me.</p> + +<p>"You are a dear," he said, "and a brick, and don't you forget I shall +come and stay with Lady Katherine before you leave, so you won't feel +you are all among strangers."</p> + +<p>I thanked him, and he squeezed my hand so kindly. I do like Lord Robert.</p> + +<p>Very soon I was gay again and <i lang="fr">insouciante</i>, and the last they saw of me +was smiling out of the brougham window as I drove off in the dusk. They +both stood upon the steps and waved to me.</p> + +<p>Tea was over at Tryland when I arrived—such a long, damp drive! And I +explained to Lady Katherine how sorry I was to have had to come so late, +and that I could not think of troubling her to have up fresh for me; but +she insisted, and after a while a whole new lot came, made in a hurry +with the water not boiling, and I had to gulp down a nasty cup—Ceylon +tea, too! I hate Ceylon tea! Mr. Montgomerie warmed himself before the +fire, quite shielding it from us, who shivered on a row of high-backed +chairs beyond the radius of the hearth-rug.</p> + +<p>He has a way of puffing out his cheeks and making a noise like "Burrrr," +which sounds very bluff and hearty until you find he has said a mean +thing about some one directly after. And while red hair looks very well +on me, I do think a man with it is the ugliest thing in creation. His +face is red, and his nose and cheeks almost purple, and fiery whiskers, +fierce enough to frighten a cat in a dark lane.</p> + +<p>He was a rich Scotch manufacturer, and poor Lady Katherine had to marry +him, I suppose; though, as she is Scotch herself, I dare say she does +not notice that he is rather coarse.</p> + +<p>There are two sons and six daughters—one married, four grown-up, and +one at school in Brussels—and all with red hair! But straight and +coarse, and with freckles and white eyelashes. So, really, it is very +kind of Lady Katherine to have asked me here.</p> + +<p>They are all as good as gold on top, and one does poker-work, and +another binds books, and a third embroiders altar-cloths, and the fourth +knits ties—all for charities, and they ask every one to subscribe to +them directly they come to the house. The tie and the altar-cloth ones +were sitting working hard in the drawing-room—Kirstie and Jean are +their names; Jessie and Maggie, the poker-worker and the bookbinder, +have a sitting-room to themselves—their work-shop they call it. They +were there still, I suppose, for I did not see them until dinner. We +used to meet once a year at Mrs. Carruthers's Christmas parties ever +since ages and ages, and I remember I hated their tartan sashes, and +they generally had colds in their heads, and one year they gave every +one mumps, so they were not asked the next. The altar-cloth one, Jean, +is my age, the other three are older.</p> + +<p>It was really very difficult to find something to say, and I can quite +understand common people fidgeting when they feel worried like this. I +have never fidgeted since eight years ago, the last time Mrs. Carruthers +boxed my ears for it. Just before going up to dress for dinner Mr. +Montgomerie asked blank out if it was true that Mr. Carruthers had +arrived. Lady Katherine had been skirting round this subject for a +quarter of an hour.</p> + +<p>I only said yes, but that was not enough, and, once started, he asked a +string of questions, with "Burrrr" several times in between. Was Mr. +Carruthers going to shoot the pheasants in November? Had he decided to +keep on the chef? Had he given up diplomacy? I said I really did not +know any of these things, I had seen so little of him.</p> + +<p>Lady Katherine nodded her head, while she measured a comforter she was +knitting, to see if it was long enough.</p> + +<p>"I am sure it must have been most awkward for you, his arriving at all; +it was not very good taste on his part, I am afraid, but I suppose he +wished to see his inheritance as soon as possible," she said.</p> + +<p>I nearly laughed, thinking what she would say if she knew which part of +his inheritance he had really come to see. I do wonder if she has ever +heard that Mrs. Carruthers left me to him, more or less, in her will!</p> + +<p>"I hope you had your old governess with you, at least," she continued, +as we went up the stairs, "so that you could feel less +uncomfortable—really a most shocking situation for a girl alone in the +house with an unmarried man!"</p> + +<p>I told her Mr. Barton was there, too, but I had not the courage to say +anything about Lord Robert; only that Mr. Carruthers had a friend of his +down who was a great judge of pictures, to see them.</p> + +<p>"Oh, a valuer, I suppose. I hope he is not going to sell the +Correggios," she exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"No, I don't think so," I said, leaving the part about the valuer +unanswered.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers's being unmarried seemed to worry her most; she went on +about it again before we got to my bedroom door.</p> + +<p>"I happened to hear a rumor at Miss Sheriton's" (the wool-shop in +Headington, our town) "this morning," she said, "and so I wrote at once +to you. I felt how terrible it would be for one of my own dear girls to +be left alone with a bachelor like that. I almost wonder you did not +stay up in your own rooms."</p> + +<p>I thanked her for her kind thought, and she left me at last.</p> + +<p>If she only knew! The unmarried ones who came down the passage to talk +to <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> were not half so saucy as the old fellows with wives +somewhere. Lord Bentworth was married, and he wanted me to kiss him, +whereas Colonel Grimston had no wife, and he never said Bo! to a goose. +And I do wonder what she thought Mr. Carruthers was going to do to me, +that it would have been wise for me to stay up in my rooms. Perhaps she +thinks diplomats, having lived in foreign places, are sort of wild +beasts.</p> + +<p>My room is frightful after my pretty rosy chintzes at Branches. Nasty +yellowish wood furniture, and nothing much matching; however, there are +plenty of wardrobes, so Véronique is content.</p> + +<p>They were all in the drawing-room when I got down, and Malcolm, the +eldest son, who is in a Highland militia regiment, had arrived by a +seven-o'clock train.</p> + +<p>I had that dreadful feeling of being very late and Mr. Montgomerie +wanting to swear at me, though it was only a minute past a quarter to +eight.</p> + +<p>He said "Burrrr" several times, and flew off to the dining-room with me +tucked under his arm, murmuring it gave no cook a chance to keep the +dinner waiting. So I expected something wonderful in the way of food, +but it is not half so good as our chef sent up at Branches. And the +footmen are not all the same height, and their liveries don't fit like +Mrs. Carruthers always insisted that ours should do.</p> + +<p>Malcolm <i>is</i> a titsy pootsy man. Not as tall as I am, and thin as a +rail, with a look of his knees being too near together. He must be awful +in a kilt, and I am sure he shivers when the wind blows—he has that +air. I don't like kilts—unless men are big, strong, bronzed creatures +that don't seem ashamed of their bare bits. I saw some splendid +specimens marching, once, in Edinburgh, and they swung their skirts just +like the beautiful ladies in the <span lang="fr">Bois</span>, when <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> and I went out +of the <span lang="fr">Allée</span> Mrs. Carruthers told us to try always to walk in.</p> + +<p>Lady Catherine talked a great deal at dinner about politics and her +different charities, and the four girls were so respectful and +interested, but Mr. Montgomerie contradicted her whenever he could. I +was glad when we went into the drawing-room.</p> + +<p>That first evening was the worst of all, because we were all so strange; +one seems to get acclimatized to whatever it is after a while.</p> + +<p>Lady Katherine asked me if I had not some fancy-work to do. Kirstie had +begun her ties, and Jean the altar-cloth, again.</p> + +<p>"Do let Maggie run to your room and fetch it for you," she said.</p> + +<p>I was obliged to tell her I never did any. "But I—I can trim hats," I +said; it really seemed awful not to be able to do anything like them, I +felt I must say this as a kind of defence for myself.</p> + +<p>However, she seemed to think that hardly a lady's employment.</p> + +<p>"How clever of you!" Kirstie exclaimed. "I wish I could, but don't you +find that intermittent? You can't trim them all the time. Don't you feel +the want of a constant employment?"</p> + +<p>I was obliged to say I had not felt like that yet, but I could not tell +them I particularly loved sitting perfectly still, doing nothing.</p> + +<p>Jessie and Maggie played Patience at two tables which folded up, and +which they brought out and sat down to with a deliberate accustomed look +which made me know at once they did this every night, and that I should +see those tables planted exactly on those two spots of carpet every +evening during my whole stay. I suppose it is because they cannot bring +the poker-work and the bookbinding into the drawing-room.</p> + +<p>"Won't you play us something?" Lady Katherine asked, plaintively. +Evidently it was not permitted to do nothing, so I got up and went to +the piano.</p> + +<p>Fortunately I know heaps of things by heart, and I love them, and would +have gone on and on, so as to fill up the time, but they all said "Thank +you" in a chorus after each bit, and it rather put me off.</p> + +<p>Mr. Montgomerie and Malcolm did not come in for ages, and I could see +Lady Katherine getting uneasy. One or two things at dinner suggested to +me that these two were not on the best terms, perhaps she feared they +had come to blows in the dining-room. The Scotch, Mrs. Carruthers said, +have all kinds of rough customs that other nations do not keep up any +longer.</p> + +<p>They did turn up at last, and Mr. Montgomerie was purple all over his +face, and Malcolm a pale green, but there were no bruises on him; only +one could see they had had a terrible quarrel.</p> + +<p>There is something in breeding, after all, even if one is of a barbarous +country. Lady Katherine behaved so well, and talked charities and +politics faster than ever, and did not give them time for any further +outburst, though I fancy I heard a few "damns" mixed with the +"burrrrs," and not without the "n" on just for ornament, like Lord +Robert's.</p> + +<p>It was a frightful evening.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Wednesday_November_9th" id="Wednesday_November_9th"></a> +<span style="font-style: normal;">Wednesday,</span> November 9th.<br /> +<span style="font-style: normal;">(Continued.)</span> +</h1> + +<p>Malcolm walked beside me going to church the next day. He looked a +little less depressed, and I tried to cheer him up.</p> + +<p>He did not tell me what his worries were, but Jean had said something +about it when she came into my room as I was getting ready. It appears +he has got into trouble over a horse called Angela Grey—Jean gathered +this from Lady Katherine; she said her father was very angry about it, +as he had spent so much money on it.</p> + +<p>To me it does not sound like a horse's name, and I told Jean so, but she +was perfectly horrified, and said it must be a horse, because they were +not acquainted with any Angela Grey, and did not even know any Greys at +all. So it must be a horse!</p> + +<p>I think that a ridiculous reason, as Mrs. Carruthers said all young men +knew people one wouldn't want to; and it was silly to make a fuss about +it, and that they couldn't help it, and they would be very dull if they +were as good as gold, like girls.</p> + +<p>But I expect Lady Katherine thinks differently about things to Mrs. +Carruthers, and the daughters the same.</p> + +<p>I shall ask Lord Robert when I see him again if it is a horse or not.</p> + +<p>Malcolm is not attractive, and I was glad the church was not far off.</p> + +<p>No carriages are allowed out on Sunday, so we had to walk; and coming +back it began to rain, and we could not go round the stables, which I +understand is the custom here every Sunday.</p> + +<p>Everything is done because it is the custom, not because you want to +amuse yourself.</p> + +<p>"When it rains and we can't go round the stables," Kirstie said, "we +look at the old <i>Illustrated London News</i>, and go on our way from +afternoon church."</p> + +<p>I did not particularly want to do that, so stayed in my room as long as +I could. The four girls were seated at a large table in the hall, each +with a volume in front of her when I got down at last. They must know +every picture by heart, if they do it every Sunday it rains—they stay +in England all the winter.</p> + +<p>Jean made room for me beside her.</p> + +<p>"I am at the 'Sixties,'" she said. "I finished the 'Fifties' last +Easter." So they evidently do even this with a method.</p> + +<p>I asked her if there were not any new books they wanted to read, but +she said Lady Katherine did not care for their looking at magazines or +novels unless she had been through them first, and she had not time for +many, so they kept the few they had to read between tea and dinner on +Sunday.</p> + +<p>By this time I felt I should do something wicked; and if the luncheon +gong had not sounded, I do not know what would have happened.</p> + +<p>Mr. Montgomerie said rather gallant things to me when the cheese and +port came along, while the girls looked shocked, and Lady Katherine had +a stony stare. I suppose he is like this because he is married. I +wonder, though, if young married men are the same. I have never met any +yet.</p> + +<p>By Monday night I was beginning to feel the end of the world would come +soon. It is ten times worse than ever having had to conceal all my +feelings and abjectly obey Mrs. Carruthers. Because she did say cynical, +entertaining things sometimes to me, and to her friends, that made one +laugh. And one felt it was only she who made the people who were +dependent upon her do her way, because she herself was so selfish, and +that the rest of the world were free if once one got outside.</p> + +<p>But Lady Katherine and the whole Montgomerie <i lang="fr">milieu</i> give you the +impression that everything and everybody must be ruled by rules; and no +one could have a right to an individual opinion in any sphere of +society.</p> + +<p>You simply can't laugh—they asphyxiate you. I am looking forward to +this afternoon and Mr. Carruthers coming over. I often think of the days +at Branches, and how exciting it was, with those two, and I wish I were +back again.</p> + +<p>I have tried to be polite and nice to them all here, and yet they don't +seem absolutely pleased.</p> + +<p>Malcolm gazes at me with sheep's eyes. They are a washy blue, with the +family white eyelashes (how different to Lord Robert's!). He has the +most precise, regulated manner, and never says a word of slang; he ought +to have been a young curate, and I can't imagine his spending money on +any Angela Greys, even if she is a horse or not.</p> + +<p>He speaks to me when he can, and asks me to go for walks round the golf +course. The four girls play for an hour and three-quarters every +morning. They never seem to enjoy anything—the whole of life is a solid +duty. I am sitting up in my room, and Véronique has had the sense to +have my fire lighted early. I suppose Mr. Carruthers won't come until +about four—an hour more to be got through. I have said I must write +letters, and so have escaped from them and not had to go for the usual +drive.</p> + +<p>I suppose he will have the sense to ask for me, even if Lady Katherine +is not back when he comes.</p> + +<p>This morning it was so fine and frosty a kind of devil seemed to creep +into me. I have been <i>so</i> good since Saturday, so when Malcolm said, in +his usual prim, priggish voice, "Miss Travers, may I have the pleasure +of taking you for a little exercise," I jumped up without consulting +Lady Katherine, and went and put my things on, and we started.</p> + +<p>I had a feeling that they were all thinking I was doing something wrong, +and so, of course, it made me worse. I said every kind of simple thing I +could to Malcolm to make him jump, and looked at him now and then from +under my eyelashes. So when we got to a stile, he did want to help me, +and his eyes were quite wobblish. He has a giggle right up in the +treble, and it comes out at such unexpected moments, when there is +nothing to laugh at. I suppose it is being Scotch—he has just caught +the meaning of some former joke. There would never be any use in saying +things to him like to Lord Robert and Mr. Carruthers, because one would +have left the place before he understood, if even then.</p> + +<p>There was an old Sir Thomas Farquharson who came to Branches, and he +grasped the deepest jokes of Mrs. Carruthers—so deep that even I did +not understand them—and he was Scotch. It may be they are like that +only when they have red hair.</p> + +<p>When I was seated on top of a stile, Malcolm suddenly announced:</p> + +<p>"I hear you are going to London when you go. I hope you will let me come +and see you; but I wish you lived here always."</p> + +<p>"I don't," I said, and then I remembered that sounded rather rude, and +they had been kind to me. "At least, you know, I think the country is +dull; don't you—for always?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," he replied, primly, "for men, but it is where I should always +wish to see the woman I respected."</p> + +<p>"Are towns so wicked?" I asked, in my little-angel voice. "Tell me of +their pitfalls, so that I may avoid them."</p> + +<p>"You must not believe everything people say to you, to begin with," he +said, seriously. "For one so young as you, I am afraid you will find +your path beset with temptations."</p> + +<p>"Oh, do tell me what!" I implored. "I have always wanted to know what +temptations were. Please tell me. If you come to see me—would you be a +temptation, or is temptation a thing and not a person?" I looked at him +so beseechingly he never for a second saw the twinkle in my eye.</p> + +<p>He coughed pompously. "I expect I should be," he said modestly. +"Temptations are—er—er—Oh, I say, you know, I say—I don't know what +to say."</p> + +<p>"Oh, what a pity!" I said, regretfully. "I was hoping to hear all about +it from you, especially if you are one yourself; you must know."</p> + +<p>He looked gratified, but still confused.</p> + +<p>"You see, when you are quite alone in London, some man may make love to +you."</p> + +<p>"Oh, do you think so, <i>really</i>?" I asked, aghast. "That, I suppose, +would be frightful, if I were by myself in the room. Would it do, do you +think, if I left the sitting-room door open and kept Véronique on the +other side?"</p> + +<p>He looked at me hard, but he only saw the face of an unprotected angel, +and, becoming reassured, he said, gravely:</p> + +<p>"Yes, it might be just as well."</p> + +<p>"You do surprise me about love," I said. "I had no idea it was a violent +kind of thing like that. I thought it began with grave reverence and +respect, and after years of offering flowers and humble compliments, +and bread-and-butter at tea-parties, the gentleman went down upon one +knee and made a declaration—'Clara Maria, I adore you; be mine'—and +then one put out a lily-white hand and, blushing, told him to rise; but +that can't be your sort, and you have not yet explained what temptation +means."</p> + +<p>"It means more or less wanting to do what you ought not to."</p> + +<p>"Oh, then," I said, "I am having temptation all the time; aren't you? +For instance, I want to tear up Jean's altar-cloth, and rip Kirstie's +ties, and tool bad words on Jessie's bindings, and burn Maggie's +wood-boxes."</p> + +<p>He looked horribly shocked and hurt, so I added at once:</p> + +<p>"Of course, it must be lovely to be able to do these things; they are +perfect girls, and so clever, only it makes me feel like that because I +suppose I am—different."</p> + +<p>He looked at me critically. "Yes, you are different; I wish you would +try and be more like my sisters, then I should not feel so nervous about +your going to London."</p> + +<p>"It is too good of you to worry," I said, demurely. "But I don't think +you need, you know. I have rather a strong suspicion I am acquainted +with the way to take care of myself," and I bent down and laughed right +in his face, and jumped off the stile onto the other side.</p> + +<p>He did look such a teeny shrimp climbing after me! But it does not +matter what is their size, the vanity of men is just the same. I am sure +he thought he had only to begin making love to me himself and I would +drop like a ripe peach into his mouth.</p> + +<p>I teased him all the way back, until when we got in to lunch he did not +know whether he was on his head or his heels. Just as we came up to the +door he said:</p> + +<p>"I thought your name was Evangeline; why did you say it was Clara +Maria?"</p> + +<p>"Because it is not!" I laughed over my shoulder, and ran into the house.</p> + +<p>He stood on the steps, and if he had been one of the stable-boys he +would have scratched his head.</p> + +<p>Now I must stop and dress. I shall put on a black tea-frock I have. Mr. +Carruthers shall see I have not caught frumpdom from my hosts.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Night" id="Night"></a>Night.</h1> + + +<p>I do think men are the most horrid creatures—you can't believe what +they say or rely upon them for five minutes! Mrs. Carruthers was right; +she said, "Evangeline, remember, it is quite difficult enough to trust +one's self without trusting a man."</p> + +<p>Such an afternoon I have had! That annoying feeling of waiting for +something all the time and nothing happening. For Mr. Carruthers did not +turn up, after all. How I wish I had not dressed and expected him!</p> + +<p>He is probably saying to himself he is well out of the business, now I +have gone. I don't suppose he meant a word of his protestations to me. +Well, he need not worry. I had no intention of jumping down his throat; +only I would have been glad to see him, because he is human, and not +like any one here.</p> + +<p>Of course, Lord Robert will be the same, and I shall probably never see +either of them again. How can Lord Robert get here when he does not know +Lady Katherine? No; it was just said to say something nice when I was +leaving, and he will be as horrid as Mr. Carruthers.</p> + +<p>I am thankful, at least, that I did not tell Lady Katherine; I should +have felt such a goose. Oh! I do wonder what I shall do next. I don't +know at all how much things cost; perhaps three hundred a year is very +poor. I am sure my best frocks always were five or six hundred francs +each, and I dare say hotels run away with money. But for the moment I am +rich, as Mr. Barton kindly advanced some of my legacy to me; and, oh, I +am going to see life! and it is absurd to be sad! I shall go to bed, +and forget how cross I feel.</p> + +<p>They are going to have a shoot here next week—pheasants. I wonder if +they will have a lot of old men. I have not heard all who are coming.</p> + +<p>Lady Katherine said to me after dinner this evening that she was sorry, +as she was afraid it would be most awkward for me their having a party, +on account of my deep mourning, and I, if I felt it dreadfully, I need +not consider they would find me the least rude if I preferred to have +dinner in my room.</p> + +<p>I don't want to have dinner in my room. Think of the stuffiness of it! +And perhaps hearing laughter going on down-stairs.</p> + +<p>I can always amuse myself watching faces, however dull they are. I +thanked her, and said it would not be at all necessary, as I must get +accustomed to seeing people. I could not count upon always meeting +hostesses with such kind thoughts as hers, and I might as well get used +to it.</p> + +<p>She said "Yes," but not cordially.</p> + +<p>To-morrow Mrs. Mackintosh, the eldest daughter, is arriving with her +four children. I remember her wedding five years ago. I have never seen +her since.</p> + +<p>She was very tall and thin, and stooped dreadfully, and Mrs. Carruthers +said Providence had been very kind in giving her a husband at all. But +when Mr. Mackintosh tittuped down the aisle with her, I did not think +so.</p> + +<p>A wee, sandy fellow about up to her shoulder!</p> + +<p>Oh, I would hate to be tied to that! I think to be tied to anything +could not be very nice. I wonder how I ever thought of marrying Mr. +Carruthers offhand!</p> + +<p>I feel now I shall never marry, for years. Of course one can't be an old +maid, but for a long time I mean to see life first.</p> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Tryland" id="Tryland"></a>Tryland,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Thursday,</span> November 10th.</span> +</h1> +<h1> +Branches,<br /> +<span class="subtitle">Wednesday.</span> +</h1> + +<div class="letter"> +<span class="smcap">Dear Miss Travers</span>,— + +<p>I regret exceedingly I was unable to come over to Tryland to-day, but +hope to do so before you leave. I trust you are well, and did not catch +cold on the drive.</p> + +<div class="signature1">Yours, very truly,</div> +<div class="signature2 smcap">Christopher Carruthers.</div> +</div> + +<p><i>This</i> is what I get this morning! Pig!</p> + +<p>Well, I sha'n't be in if he does come. I can just see him pulling +himself together once temptation (it makes me think of Malcolm!) is out +of his way; he no doubt feels he has had an escape, as I am nobody very +grand.</p> + +<p>The letters come early here, as everywhere, but in a bag which only Mr. +Montgomerie can open, and one has to wait until every one is seated at +breakfast before he produces the key and deals them all out.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers's was the only one for me, and it had "Branches" on the +envelope, which attracted Mr. Montgomerie's attention, and he began to +"burrrr," and hardly gave me time to read it before he commenced to ask +questions apropos of the place, to get me to say what the letter was +about. He is a curious man.</p> + +<p>"Carruthers is a capital fellow, they tell me—er. You had better ask +him over quietly, Katherine, if he is all alone at Branches"—this with +one eye on me in a questioning way.</p> + +<p>I remained silent.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps he is off to London, though?"</p> + +<p>I pretended to be busy with my coffee.</p> + +<p>"Best pheasant-shoot in the county, and a close borough under the old +<span lang="fr">régime</span>. Hope he will be more neighborly—Er—suppose he must shoot 'em +before November?"</p> + +<p>I buttered my toast.</p> + +<p>Then the "burrrrs" began. I wonder he does not have a noise that ends +with d—n simply. It would save him time.</p> + +<p>"Couldn't help seeing your letter was from Branches. Hope Carruthers +gives you some news?"</p> + +<p>As he addressed me deliberately, I was obliged to answer:</p> + +<p>"I have no information. It is only a business letter," and I ate toast +again.</p> + +<p>He "burrred" more than ever, and opened some of his own correspondence.</p> + +<p>"What am I to do, Katherine," he said, presently—"that confounded +fellow Campion has thrown me over for next week, and he is my best gun? +At short notice like this, it's impossible to replace him with the same +class of shot."</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear," said Lady Katherine, in that kind of voice that has not +heard the question. She was deep in her own letters.</p> + +<p>"Katherine!" roared Mr. Montgomerie. "Will you listen when I +speak—burrrr!" and he thumped his fist on the table.</p> + +<p>Poor Lady Katherine almost jumped, and the china rattled.</p> + +<p>"Forgive me, Anderson," she said, humbly; "you were saying——?"</p> + +<p>"Campion has thrown me over," glared Mr. Montgomerie.</p> + +<p>"Then I have perhaps the very thing for you," Lady Katherine said, in a +relieved way, returning to her letters. "Sophia Merrenden writes this +morning, and among other things tells me of her nephew, Lord Robert +Vavasour—you know, Torquilstone's half-brother. She says he is the most +charming young man and a wonderful shot—she even suggests" (looking +back a page), "that he might be useful to us, if we are short of a gun."</p> + +<p>"Damned kind of her!" growled Mr. Montgomerie.</p> + +<p>I hope they did not notice, but I had suddenly such a thrill of pleasure +that I am sure my cheeks got red. I felt frightfully excited to hear +what was going to happen.</p> + +<p>"Merrenden, as you know, is the best judge of shooting in England," Lady +Katherine went on, in an injured voice. "Sophia is hardly likely to +recommend his nephew so highly if he were not pretty good."</p> + +<p>"But you don't know the puppy, Katherine."</p> + +<p>My heart fell.</p> + +<p>"That is not the least consequence; we are almost related. Merrenden is +my first cousin, you forget that, I suppose!"</p> + +<p>Fortunately I could detect that Lady Katherine was becoming obstinate +and offended. I drank some more coffee. Oh, how lovely if Lord Robert +comes!</p> + +<p>Mr. Montgomerie "burrred" a lot first, but Lady Katherine got him round, +and before breakfast was over it was decided she should write to Lord +Robert and ask him to come to the shoot. As we were all standing looking +out of the window at the dripping rain, I heard her say, in a low voice:</p> + +<p>"Really, Anderson, we must think of the girls sometimes. Torquilstone is +a confirmed bachelor and a cripple—Lord Robert will certainly one day +be duke."</p> + +<p>"Well, catch him if you can," said Mr. Montgomerie. He is coarse +sometimes.</p> + +<p>I am not going to let myself think much about Lord Robert. Mr. +Carruthers has been a lesson to me. But if he does come, I wonder if +Lady Katherine will think it funny of me not saying I knew him when she +first spoke of him. It is too late now, so it can't be helped.</p> + +<p>The Mackintosh party arrived this afternoon. Marriage must have quite +different effects on some people. Numbers of the married women we saw in +London were lovely—prettier, I always heard, than they had been +before—but Mary Mackintosh is perfectly awful. She can't be more than +twenty-seven, but she looks forty, at least; and stout, and sticking out +all in the wrong places, and flat where the stick-outs ought to be. And +the four children. The two eldest look much the same age, the next a +little smaller, and there is a baby, and they all squall, and although +they seem to have heaps of nurses, poor Mr. Mackintosh has to be a kind +of under one. He fetches and carries for them, and gives his +handkerchief when they slobber, but perhaps it is he feels proud that a +person of his size had these four enormous babies almost all at once +like that.</p> + +<p>The whole thing is simply dreadful.</p> + +<p>Tea was a pandemonium! The four aunts gushing over the infants, and +feeding them with cake, and gurgling with "tootsie-wootsie popsy-wopsy" +kind of noises. They will get to do "burrrrs," I am sure, when they get +older. I wonder if the infants will come down every afternoon when the +shoot happens. The guests will enjoy it.</p> + +<p>I said to Jean as we came up-stairs that I thought it seemed terrible to +get married; did not she? But she was shocked, and said no, marriage and +motherhood were sacred duties, and she envied her sister.</p> + +<p>This kind of thing is not my idea of bliss. Two really well-behaved +children would be delicious, I think; but four squalling imps all about +the same age is <i lang="fr">bourgeois</i>, and not the affair of a lady.</p> + +<p>I suppose Lord Robert's answer cannot get here till about Saturday. I +wonder how he arranged it? It is clever of him. Lady Katherine said this +Mr. Campion who was coming is in the same regiment, the 3d Life Guards. +Perhaps when—— But there is no use my thinking about it, only somehow +I am feeling so much better to-night—gay, and as if I did not mind +being very poor—that I was obliged to tease Malcolm a little after +dinner. I <i>would</i> play Patience, and never lifted my eyes from the +cards.</p> + +<p>He kept trying to say things to me to get me to go to the piano, but I +pretended I did not notice. A palm stands at the corner of a high +Chippendale writing-bureau, and Jessie happened to have put the +Patience-table behind that rather, so the rest of them could not see +everything that was happening. Malcolm at last sat very near beside me, +and wanted to help with the aces—but I can't bear people being close to +me, so I upset the board, and he had to pick up all the cards on the +floor. Kirstie, for a wonder, played the piano then—a cake-walk—and +there was something in it that made me feel I wanted to move—to dance, +to undulate—I don't know what—and my shoulders swayed a little in time +to the music. Malcolm breathed quite as if he had a cold, and said, +right in my ear, in a fat voice:</p> + +<p>"You know you are a devil—and I——"</p> + +<p>I stopped him at once, and looked up for the first time, absolutely +shocked and surprised.</p> + +<p>"Really, Mr. Montgomerie, I do not know what you mean," I said.</p> + +<p>He began to fidget.</p> + +<p>"Er—I mean—I mean—I awfully wish to kiss you."</p> + +<p>"But I do not a bit wish to kiss you," I said, and I opened my eyes wide +at him.</p> + +<p>He looked like a spiteful bantam, and fortunately at that moment Jessie +returned to the Patience, and he could not say any more.</p> + +<p>Lady Katherine and Mrs. Mackintosh came into my room on the way up to +bed. She—Lady Katherine—wanted to show Mary how beautifully they had +had it done up; it used to be hers before she married. They looked all +round at the dead-daffodil-colored cretonne and things, and at last I +could see their eyes often straying to my night-gown, and dressing-gown, +laid out on a chair beside the fire.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Lady Katherine, I am afraid you are wondering at my having pink +silk," I said, apologetically, "as I am in mourning; but I have not had +time to get a white dressing-gown yet."</p> + +<p>"It is not that, dear," said Lady Katherine, in a grave duty voice. +"I—I—do not think such a night-gown is suitable for a girl."</p> + +<p>"Oh, but I am very strong," I said. "I never catch cold."</p> + +<p>Mary Mackintosh held it up, with a face of stern disapproval. Of course +it has short sleeves ruffled with Valenciennes, and is fine linen +cambric nicely embroidered. Mrs. Carruthers was always very particular +about them, and chose them herself at Doucet's. She said one never could +know when places might catch on fire.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline, dear, you are very young, so you probably cannot +understand," Mary said. "But I consider this garment not in any way fit +for a girl, or for any good woman for that matter. Mother, I hope my +sisters have not seen it."</p> + +<p>I looked so puzzled.</p> + +<p>She examined the stuff, one could see the chair through it, beyond.</p> + +<p>"What <i>would</i> Alexander say if I were to wear such a thing!"</p> + +<p>This thought seemed to almost suffocate them both; they looked genuinely +pained and shocked.</p> + +<p>"Of course it would be too tight for you," I said, humbly; "but it is +otherwise a very good pattern, and does not tear when one puts up one's +arms. Mrs. Carruthers made a fuss at Doucet's because my last set tore +so soon, and they altered these."</p> + +<p>At the mention of my late adopted mother, both of them pulled themselves +up.</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Carruthers, we know, had very odd notions," Lady Katherine said, +stiffly. "But I hope, Evangeline, you have sufficient sense to +understand now for yourself that such a—a—garment is not at all +seemly."</p> + +<p>"Oh, why not, dear Lady Katherine?" I said, "You don't know how becoming +it is."</p> + +<p>"Becoming!" almost screamed Mary Mackintosh, "But no nice-minded woman +wants things to look becoming in bed!"</p> + +<p>The whole matter appeared so painful to them I covered up the offending +"nighty" with my dressing-gown, and coughed. It made a break, and they +went away, saying good-night frigidly.</p> + +<p>And now I am alone. But I do wonder why it is wrong to look pretty in +bed, considering nobody sees one, too!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Tryland_Court" id="Tryland_Court"></a>Tryland Court,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Monday,</span> November 14th.</span> +</h1> + +<p>I have not felt like writing; these last days have been so +stodgy—sticky, I was going to say. Endless infant talk. The methods of +head nurses, teething, the knavish tricks of nursemaids, patent foods, +bottles, bibs—everything. Enough to put one off forever from wishing to +get married. And Mary Mackintosh sitting there all out of shape, +expounding theories that can have no results in practice, as there could +not be worse-behaved children than hers.</p> + +<p>They even try Lady Katherine, I can see, when the two eldest, who come +in while we are at breakfast each day, take the jam-spoon, or something +equally horrid, and dab it all over the cloth. Yesterday they put their +hands in the honey-dish which Mr. Montgomerie was helping himself to, +and then after smearing him (the "burrrs" were awful), they went round +the table to escape being caught, and fingered the backs of every one's +chair and the door-handle, so that one could not touch a thing without +getting sticky.</p> + +<p>"Alexander, dearie," Mary said. "Alec must have his mouth wiped."</p> + +<p>Poor Mr. Mackintosh had to get up and leave his breakfast, catch these +imps, and employ his table-napkin in vain.</p> + +<p>"Take 'em up-stairs, do—burrrr," roared their fond grandfather.</p> + +<p>"Oh, father, the poor darlings are not really naughty," Mary said, +offended. "I like them to be with us all as much as possible. I thought +they would be such a pleasure to you."</p> + +<p>Upon which, hearing the altercation, both infants set up a yell of fear +and rage, and Alec, the cherub of four and a half, lay on the floor and +kicked and screamed until he was black in the face.</p> + +<p>Mr. Mackintosh is too small to manage two, so one of the footmen had to +come and help him to carry them up to their nursery. Oh, I would not be +in his place for the world!</p> + +<p>Malcolm is becoming so funny. I suppose he is attracted by me. He makes +kind of love in a priggish way whenever he gets the chance, which is not +often, as Lady Katherine contrives to send one of the girls with us on +all our walks; or if we are in the drawing-room, she comes and sits down +beside us herself. I am glad, as it would be a great bore to listen to a +quantity of it.</p> + +<p>How silly of her, though! She can't know as much about men as even I +do; of course, it only makes him all the more eager.</p> + +<p>It is quite an object-lesson for me. I shall be impossibly difficult +myself if I meet Mr. Carruthers again, as he has no mother to play these +tricks for him.</p> + +<p>Lord Robert's answer came on Saturday afternoon. It was all done through +Lady Merrenden.</p> + +<p>He will be delighted to come and shoot on Tuesday, to-morrow. Oh, I am +so glad, but I do wonder if I shall be able to make him understand not +to say anything about having been at Branches while I was there. Such a +simple thing, but Lady Katherine is so odd and particular.</p> + +<p>The party is to be a large one—nine guns. I hope some will be amusing, +though I rather fear.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Tuesday_night" id="Tuesday_night"></a>Tuesday night.</h1> + + +<p>It is quite late, nearly twelve o'clock, but I feel so wide awake I must +write.</p> + +<p>I shall begin from the beginning, when every one arrived.</p> + +<p>They came by two trains early in the afternoon, and just at tea-time, +and Lord Robert was among the last lot.</p> + +<p>They are mostly the same sort as Lady Katherine, looking as good as +gold; but one woman, Lady Verningham, Lady Katherine's niece, is +different, and I liked her at once.</p> + +<p>She has lovely clothes, and an exquisite figure, and her hat on the +right way. She has charming manners, too, but one can see she is on a +duty visit.</p> + +<p>Even all this company did not altogether stop Mary Mackintosh laying +down the law upon domestic—infant domestic—affairs. We all sat in the +big drawing-room, and I caught Lady Verningham's eye, and we laughed +together. The first eye with a meaning in it I have seen since I left +Branches.</p> + +<p>Everybody talked so agreeably, with pauses, not enjoying themselves at +all, when Jean and Kirstie began about their work, and explained it, and +tried to get orders, and Jessie and Maggie too, and specimens of it all +had to be shown, and prices fixed. I should hate to have to beg, even +for a charity.</p> + +<p>I felt quite uncomfortable for them, but they did not mind a bit, and +their victims were noble over it.</p> + +<p>Our parson at Branches always got so red and nervous when he had to ask +for anything, one could see he was quite a gentleman; but women are +different, I suppose.</p> + +<p>I longed for tea.</p> + +<p>While they are all very kind here, there is that asphyxiating atmosphere +of stiffness and decorum which affects every one who comes to Tryland. A +sort of "the gold must be tried by fire and the heart must be wrung by +pain" kind of suggestion about everything.</p> + +<p>They are extraordinarily cheerful, because it is a Christian virtue, +cheerfulness; not because they are brimming over with joy, or that +lovely feeling of being alive and not minding much what happens, you +feel so splendid, like I get on fine days.</p> + +<p>Everything they do has a reason, or a moral, in it. This party is +because pheasants have to be killed in November, and certain people have +to be entertained, and their charities can be assisted through them. Oh, +if I had a big house, and were rich, I would have lovely parties, with +all sorts of nice people, because I wanted to give them a good time and +laugh myself. Lady Verningham was talking to me just before tea, when +the second train-load arrived.</p> + +<p>I tried to be quite indifferent, but I did feel dreadfully excited when +Lord Robert walked in. Oh, he looked such a beautiful creature, so +smart, and straight, and lithe!</p> + +<p>Lady Katherine was frightfully stiff with him; it would have +discouraged most people, but that is the lovely part about Lord Robert, +he is always absolutely <i lang="fr">sans gêne</i>!</p> + +<p>He saw me at once, of course, and came over as straight as a die the +moment he could.</p> + +<p>"How do, Robert?" said Lady Verningham, giving him her fingers in such +an attractive way. "Why are you here, and why is our Campie not? Thereby +hangs some tale, I feel sure."</p> + +<p>"Why, yes," said Lord Robert, and he held her hand. Then he looked at me +with his eyebrow up. "But won't you introduce me to Miss Travers? To my +great surprise she seems to have forgotten me."</p> + +<p>I laughed, and Lady Verningham introduced us, and he sat down beside us, +and every one began tea.</p> + +<p>Lady Verningham had such a look in her eye!</p> + +<p>"Robert, tell me about it," she said.</p> + +<p>"I hear they have five thousand pheasants to slay," Lord Robert said, +looking at her with his innocent smile.</p> + +<p>"Robert, you are lying," she said, and she laughed. She is so pretty +when she laughs; not very young, over thirty I should think, but such a +charm—as different as different can be from the whole Montgomerie +family.</p> + +<p>I hardly spoke; they continued to tease one another, and Lord Robert +ate most of a plate of bread-and-butter that was near.</p> + +<p>"I am damed hungry, Lady Ver!" he said. She smiled at him; she evidently +likes him very much.</p> + +<p>"Robert! You must not use such language here!" she said.</p> + +<p>"Oh, doesn't he say them often?—those dams!" I burst out, not thinking +for a moment; then I stopped, remembering. She did seem surprised.</p> + +<p>"So you have heard them before. I thought you had only just met +casually," she said, with such a comic look of understanding, but not +absolutely pleased. I stupidly got crimson. It did annoy me, because it +shows so dreadfully on my skin. She leaned back in her chair and +laughed.</p> + +<p>"It is delightful to shoot five thousand pheasants, Robert," she said.</p> + +<p>"Now, isn't it?" replied Lord Robert. He had finished the +bread-and-butter.</p> + +<p>Then he told her she was a dear, and he was glad something had suggested +to Mr. Campion that he would have other views of living for this week.</p> + +<p>"You are a joy, Robert," she said. "But you will have to behave here. +None of the tricks you played at Fotherington in October, my child. Aunt +Katherine would put you in a corner. Miss Travers has been here a week, +and can tell you I am truthful about it."</p> + +<p>"Indeed, <i>yes</i>," I said.</p> + +<p>"But I <i>must</i> know how you got here!" she commanded.</p> + +<p>Just then, fortunately, Malcolm, who had been hovering near, came up and +joined us, and would talk too; but if he had been a table or a chair he +could not have mattered less to Lord Robert. He is quite wonderful. He +is not the least rude, only perfectly simple and direct, always getting +just what he wants, with rather an appealing expression in his blue +eyes. In a minute or two he and I were talking together, and Malcolm and +Lady Verningham a few yards off. I felt so happy. He makes one like +that, I don't know for what reason.</p> + +<p>"Why did you look so stonily indifferent when I came up?" he asked. "I +was afraid you were annoyed with me for coming."</p> + +<p>Then I told him about Lady Katherine, and my stupidly not having +mentioned meeting him at Branches.</p> + +<p>"Oh, then I stayed with Christopher after you left, I see," he said. +"Had I met you in London?"</p> + +<p>"We won't tell any stories about it. They can think what they please."</p> + +<p>"Very well," he laughed. "I can see I shall have to manœuvre a good +deal to talk quietly to you here, but you will stand with me, won't you, +out shooting to-morrow?"</p> + +<p>I told him I did not suppose we should be allowed to go out, except +perhaps for lunch, but he said he refused to believe in such cruelty.</p> + +<p>Then he asked me a lot of things about how I had been getting on, and +what I intended to do next. He has the most charming way of making one +feel that one knows him very well, he looks at one every now and then +straight in the eyes, with astonishing frankness. I have never seen any +person so quite without airs. I don't suppose he is ever thinking a bit +the effect he is producing. Nothing has two meanings with him, like with +Mr. Carruthers. If he had said I was to stay and marry him, I am sure he +would have meant it, and I really believe I should have stayed.</p> + +<p>"Do you remember our morning packing?" he said, presently, in such a +caressing voice. "I was so happy; weren't you?"</p> + +<p>I said I was.</p> + +<p>"And Christopher was mad with us. He was like a bear with a sore head +after you left, and insisted upon going up to town on Monday, just for +the day. He came over here on Tuesday, didn't he?"</p> + +<p>"No, he did not," I was obliged to say, and I felt cross about it still, +I don't know why.</p> + +<p>"He is a queer creature," said Lord Robert, "and I am glad you have not +seen him. I don't want him in the way. I am a selfish brute, you know."</p> + +<p>I said Mrs. Carruthers had always brought me up to know men were that, +so such a thing would not prejudice me against him.</p> + +<p>He laughed. "You must help me to come and sit and talk again after +dinner," he said. "I can see the red-haired son means you for himself, +but of course I shall not allow that."</p> + +<p>I became uppish.</p> + +<p>"Malcolm and I are great friends," I said, demurely. "He walks me round +the golf-course in the park, and gives me advice."</p> + +<p>"Confounded impertinence!" said Lord Robert.</p> + +<p>"He thinks I ought not to go to Claridge's alone when I leave here, in +case some one made love to me. He feels if I looked more like his +sisters it would be safer. I have promised that Véronique shall stay at +the other side of the door if I have visitors."</p> + +<p>"Oh, he is afraid of that, is he? Well, I think it is very probable his +fears will be realized, as I shall be in London," said Lord Robert.</p> + +<p>"But how do you know," I began, with a questioning, serious air—"how +do you know I should listen? You can't go on to deaf people, can you?"</p> + +<p>"Are you deaf?" he asked. "I don't think so; anyway, I would try to cure +your deafness." He bent close over to me, pretending to pick up a book.</p> + +<p>Oh, I was having such a nice time!</p> + +<p>All of a sudden I felt I was really living, the blood was jumping in my +veins, and a number of provoking, agreeable things came to the tip of my +tongue to say, and I said them. We were so happy.</p> + +<p>Lord Robert is such a beautiful shape, that pleased me too; the perfect +lines of things always give me a nice emotion. The other men look thick +and clumsy beside him, and he does have such lovely clothes and ties.</p> + +<p>We talked on and on. He began to show me he was deeply interested in me. +His eyes, so blue and expressive, said even more than his words. I like +to see him looking down; his eyelashes are absurdly long and curly, not +jet black like mine and Mr. Carruthers's, but dark brown and soft and +shaded, and, oh! I don't know how to say quite why they are so +attractive. When one sees them half resting on his cheek it makes one +feel it would be nice to put out the tip of one's finger and touch them. +I never spent such a delightful afternoon. Only, alas! it was all too +short.</p> + +<p>"We will arrange to sit together after dinner," he whispered, as even +before the dressing-gong had rung, Lady Katherine came and fussed about, +and collected every one, and more or less drove them off to dress, +saying, on the way up-stairs, to me, that I need not come down if I had +rather not.</p> + +<p>I thanked her again, but remained firm in my intention of accustoming +myself to company.</p> + +<p>Stay in my room, indeed, with Lord Robert at dinner—never!</p> + +<p>However, when I did come down he was surrounded by Montgomeries, and +pranced into the dining-room with Lady Verningham.</p> + +<p>I had such a bore! A young Mackintosh, cousin of Mary's husband, and on +the other side the parson. The one talked about botany in a hoarse +whisper, with a Scotch accent, and the other gobbled his food, and made +kind of pious jokes in between the mouthfuls.</p> + +<p>I said, when I had borne it bravely up to the ices, I hated knowing what +flowers were composed of, I only liked to pick them. The youth stared, +and did not speak much more. For the parson, "Yes" now and then did, and +like that we got through dinner.</p> + +<p>Malcolm was opposite me, and he gaped most of the time. Even he might +have been better than the botanist, but I suppose Lady Katherine felt +these two would be a kind of half mourning for me. No one could have +felt gay with them.</p> + +<p>After dinner Lady Verningham took me over to a sofa with her, in a +corner. The sofas here don't have pillows, as at Branches, but +fortunately this one is a little apart, though not comfortable, and we +could talk.</p> + +<p>"You poor child!" she said; "you had a dull time. I was watching you. +What did that Mactavish creature find to say to you?"</p> + +<p>I told her, and that his name was Mackintosh, not Mactavish.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I know," she said. "But I call the whole clan Mactavish; it is +near enough, and it does worry Mary so, she corrects me every time. Now +don't you want to get married, and be just like Mary?" There was a +twinkle in her eye.</p> + +<p>I said I had not felt wild about it yet. I wanted to go and see life +first.</p> + +<p>But she told me one couldn't see life unless one were married.</p> + +<p>"Not even if one is an adventuress, like me?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"A <i>what</i>?"</p> + +<p>"An adventuress," I said. "People do seem so astonished when I say that. +I have got to be one, you know, because Mrs. Carruthers never left me +the money after all, and in the book I read about it, it said you were +that if you had nice clothes, and—and—red hair—and things—and no +home."</p> + +<p>She rippled all over with laughter.</p> + +<p>"You duck!" she said. "Now you and I will be friends. Only you must not +play with Robert Vavasour. He belongs to me. He is one of my special and +particular own pets. Is it a bargain?"</p> + +<p>I do wish now I had the pluck then to say straight out that I rather +liked Lord Robert, and would not make any bargain, but one is foolish +sometimes when taken suddenly. It is then when I suppose it shows if +one's head is screwed on, and mine wasn't to-night. But she looked so +charming, and I felt a little proud, and perhaps ashamed to show that I +am very much interested in Lord Robert, especially if he belongs to her, +whatever that means; and so I said it was a bargain, and of course I had +never thought of playing with him; but when I came to reflect +afterwards, that is a promise, I suppose, and I sha'n't be able to look +at him any more under my eyelashes. And I don't know why I feel very +wide awake and tired, and rather silly, and as if I wanted to cry +to-night.</p> + +<p>However, she was awfully kind to me, and lovely, and has asked me to go +and stay with her, and lots of nice things, so it is all for the best, +no doubt. But when Lord Robert came in, and came over to us, it did feel +hard having to get up at once and go and pretend I wanted to talk to +Malcolm.</p> + +<p>I did not dare to look up often, but sometimes, and I found Lord +Robert's eyes were fixed on me with an air of reproach and entreaty, and +the last time there was wrath as well.</p> + +<p>Lady Verningham kept him with her until every one started to go to bed.</p> + +<p>There had been music and bridge, and other boring diversions happening, +but I sat still. And I don't know what Malcolm had been talking about; I +had not been listening, though I kept murmuring "Yes" and "No."</p> + +<p>He got more and more <i lang="fr">empressé</i>, until suddenly I realized he was +saying, as we rose:</p> + +<p>"You have promised! Now remember, and I shall ask you to keep +it—to-morrow."</p> + +<p>And there was such a loving, mawkish, wobbly look in his eyes, it made +me feel quite sick. The horrible part is I don't know what I have +promised any more than the man in the moon. It may be something +perfectly dreadful, for all I know. Well, if it is a fearful thing, like +kissing him, I shall have to break my word, which I never do for any +consideration whatever.</p> + +<p>Oh, dear, oh, dear! It is not always so easy to laugh at life as I once +thought. I almost wish I were settled down, and had not to be an +adventuress. Some situations are so difficult. I think now I shall go to +bed.</p> + +<p>I wonder if Lord Robert—— No, what is the good of wondering; he is no +longer my affair.</p> + +<p>I shall blow out the light.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="A300ParkStreet" id="A300ParkStreet"></a>300 Park Street,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Saturday night,</span> November 19th.</span> +</h1> + +<p>I do not much care to look back to the rest of my stay at Tryland. It is +an unpleasant memory.</p> + +<p>That next day after I last wrote, it poured with rain, and every one +came down cross to breakfast. The whole party appeared, except Lady +Verningham, and breakfast was just as stiff and boring as dinner. I +happened to be seated when Lord Robert came in, and Malcolm was in the +place beside me. Lord Robert hardly spoke, and looked at me once or +twice with his eyebrows right up.</p> + +<p>I did long to say it was because I had promised Lady Ver I would not +play with him that I was not talking to him now like the afternoon +before. I wonder if he ever guessed it. Oh, I wished then, and I have +wished a hundred times since, that I had never promised at all. It +seemed as if it would be wisest to avoid him, as how could I explain the +change in myself? I hated the food, and Malcolm had such an air of +proprietorship it annoyed me as much as I could see it annoyed Lady +Katherine. I sniffed at him, and was as disagreeable as could be.</p> + +<p>The breakfasts there don't shine, and porridge is pressed upon people by +Mr. Montgomerie. "Capital stuff to begin the day—burrrr," he says.</p> + +<p>Lord Robert could not find anything he wanted, it seemed. Every one was +peevish. Lady Katherine has a way of marshalling people on every +occasion; she reminds me of a hen with chickens, putting her wings down +and clucking and chasing till they are all in a corner. And she is +rather that shape, too, very much rounded in front. The female brood +soon found themselves in the morning-room, with the door shut, and no +doubt the male things fared the same with their host—anyway, we saw no +more of them till we caught sight of them passing the windows in scutums +and mackintoshes, a depressed company of sportsmen.</p> + +<p>The only fortunate part was that Malcolm had found no opportunity to +remind me of my promise, whatever it was, and I felt safer.</p> + +<p>Oh, that terrible morning! Much worse than when we were alone; nearly +all of them, about seven women beyond the family, began fancy-work.</p> + +<p>One, a Lady Letitia Smith, was doing a crewel silk blotting-book that +made me quite bilious to look at, and she was very short-sighted, and +had such an irritating habit of asking every one to match her threads +for her. They knitted ties and stockings, and crocheted waistcoats and +comforters and hoods for the North Sea fishermen, and one even tatted. +Just like housemaids do in their spare hours to trim Heaven knows what +garment of unbleached calico.</p> + +<p>I asked her what it was for, and she said for the children's pinafores +in her "guild" work. If one doesn't call that waste of time, I wonder +what is.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Carruthers said it was much more useful to learn to sit still and +not fidget than to fill the world with rubbish like this.</p> + +<p>Mary Mackintosh dominated the conversation. She and Lady Letitia Smith, +who have both small babies, revelled in nursery details, and then +whispered bits for us, the young girls not to hear. We caught scraps +though, and it sounded grewsome, whatever it was about. Oh, I do wonder +when I get married if I shall grow like them!</p> + +<p>I hope not.</p> + +<p>It is no wonder married men are obliged to say gallant things to other +people, if, when they get home, their wives are like that.</p> + +<p>I tried to be agreeable to a lady who was next me. She was a Christian +Scientist, and wore glasses. She endeavored to convert me, but I was +abnormally thick-headed that day, and had to have things explained over +and over, so she gave it up at last.</p> + +<p>Finally, when I felt I should do something desperate, a footman came to +say Lady Verningham wished to see me in her room, and I bounded up, but +as I got to the door I saw them beginning to shake their heads over her.</p> + +<p>"Sad that dear Ianthe has such irregular habits of breakfasting in her +room; so bad for her," etc., etc. But, thank Heaven, I was soon outside +in the hall, where her maid was waiting for me.</p> + +<p>One would hardly have recognized that it was a Montgomerie apartment, +the big room overlooking the porch, where she was located, so changed +did its aspect seem. She had numbers of photographs about, and the +loveliest gold toilet things, and lots of frilled garments, and flowers, +and scent-bottles; and her own pillows propping her up, all blue silk, +and lovely muslin embroideries; and she did look such a sweet, cosey +thing among it all, her dark hair in fluffs round her face, and an +angelic lace cap over it. She was smoking a cigarette, and writing +numbers of letters with a gold stylograph pen. The blue silk quilt was +strewn with correspondence, and newspapers, and telegraph forms. And her +garment was low-necked, of course, and thin like mine. I wondered what +Alexander would have thought if he could have seen her in contrast to +Mary. I know which I would choose if I were a man.</p> + +<p>"Oh, there you are!" she exclaimed, looking up, and puffing smoke +clouds. "Sit on the bye-bye, snake-girl. I felt I must rescue you from +the hoard of holies below, and I wanted to look at you in the daylight. +Yes, you have extraordinary hair, and real eyelashes and complexion, +too. You are a witch thing, I can see, and we shall all have to beware +of you."</p> + +<p>I smiled. She did not say it rudely, or I should have been uppish at +once. She has a wonderful charm.</p> + +<p>"You don't speak much, either," she continued. "I feel you are +dangerous. That is why I am being so civil to you; I think it wisest. I +can't stand girls as a rule." And she went into one of her ripples of +laughter. "Now say you will not hurt me."</p> + +<p>"I should not hurt any one," I said. "Unless they hurt me first, and I +like you, you are so pretty."</p> + +<p>"That is all right," she said. "Then we are comrades. I was frightened +about Robert last evening, because I am so attached to him; but you were +a darling after dinner, and it will be all right now. I told him you +would probably marry Malcolm Montgomerie, and he was not to interfere."</p> + +<p>"I shall do nothing of the kind!" I exclaimed, moving off the bed. "I +would as soon die as spend the rest of my life here at Tryland."</p> + +<p>"He will be fabulously rich one day, you know, and you could get round +<span lang="fr">père</span> Montgomerie in a trice, and revolutionize the whole place. You had +better think of it."</p> + +<p>"I won't," I said, and I felt my eyes sparkle. She put up her hands as +if to ward off an evil spirit, and she laughed again. "Well, you sha'n't +then. Only don't flash those emeralds at me; they give me quivers all +over."</p> + +<p>"Would <i>you</i> like to marry Malcolm?" I asked and I sat down again. +"Fancy being owned by that! Fancy seeing it every day! Fancy living with +a person who never sees a joke from week's end to week's end! Oh!"</p> + +<p>"As for that—" and she puffed smoke. "Husbands are a race apart—there +are men, women, and husbands; and if they pay bills, and shoot big game +in Africa, it is all one ought to ask of them; to be able to see jokes +is superfluous. Mine is most inconvenient, because he generally adores +me, and at best only leaves me for a three weeks' cure at Homburg, and +now and then a week at Paris; but Malcolm could be sent to the Rocky +Mountains, and places like that, continuously; he is quite a sportsman."</p> + +<p>"That is not my idea of a husband," I said.</p> + +<p>"Well, what is your idea, snake-girl?"</p> + +<p>"Why do you call me 'snake-girl'?" I asked. "I hate snakes."</p> + +<p>She took her cigarette out of her mouth, and looked at me for some +seconds.</p> + +<p>"Because you are so sinuous; there is not a stiff line about your +movements, you are utterly wicked-looking and attractive, too, and +un-English, and what in the world Aunt Katherine asked you here for with +those hideous girls I can't imagine. I would not have, if my three +angels were grown up, and like them—" Then she showed me the +photographs of her three angels—they are pets.</p> + +<p>But my looks seemed to bother her, for she went back to them.</p> + +<p>"Where do you get them from? Was your mother some other nation?"</p> + +<p>I told her how poor mamma had been rather an accident, and was nobody +much. "One could not tell, you see; she might have had any quaint +creature beyond the grand-parents—perhaps I am mixed with Red Indian or +nigger."</p> + +<p>She looked at me searchingly.</p> + +<p>"No, you are not; you are Venetian. That is it—some wicked, beautiful +friend of a Doge, come to life again."</p> + +<p>"I know I am wicked," I said. "I am always told it; but I have not done +anything yet, or had any fun out of it, and I do want to."</p> + +<p>She laughed again.</p> + +<p>"Well, you must come to London with me when I leave here on Saturday, +and we will see what we can do."</p> + +<p>This sounded so nice, and yet I had a feeling that I wanted to refuse; +if there had been a tone of patronage in her voice, I would have in a +minute. We sat and talked a long time, and she did tell me some +interesting things. The world, she assured me, was a delightful place if +one could escape bores, and had a good cook and a few friends. After a +while I left her, as she suddenly thought she would come down to +luncheon.</p> + +<p>"I don't think it would be safe, at the present stage, to leave you +alone with Robert," she said.</p> + +<p>I was angry.</p> + +<p>"I have promised not to play with him; is that not enough?" I exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"Do you know, I believe it is, snake-girl," she said, and there was +something wistful in her eyes; "but you are twenty, and I am past +thirty, and—he is a man. So one can't be too careful." Then she +laughed, and I left her putting a toe into a blue satin slipper and +ringing for her maid.</p> + +<p>I don't think age can matter much; she is far more attractive than any +girl, and she need not pretend she is afraid of me. But the thing that +struck me then, and has always struck me since, is that to have to +<i>hold</i> a man by one's own manœuvres could not be agreeable to one's +self-respect. I would <i>never</i> do that under any circumstances; if he +would not stay because it was the thing he wanted to do most in the +world, he might go. I should say, "<span lang="fr">Je m'en fiche!</span>"</p> + +<p>At luncheon, for which the guns came in—no nice picnic in a lodge as at +Branches—I purposely sat between two old gentlemen, and did my best to +be respectful and intelligent. One was quite a nice old thing, and at +the end began paying me compliments. He laughed and laughed at +everything I said. Opposite me were Malcolm and Lord Robert, with Lady +Ver between them. They both looked sulky. It was quite a while before +she could get them gay and pleasant. I did not enjoy myself.</p> + +<p>After it was over, Lord Robert deliberately walked up to me.</p> + +<p>"Why are you so capricious?" he asked. "I won't be treated like this. +You know very well I have only come here to see you. We are such +friends—or were. Why?"</p> + +<p>Oh, I did want to say I was friends still, and would love to talk to +him. He seemed so adorably good-looking, and such a shape! And his blue +eyes had the nicest flash of anger in them.</p> + +<p>I could have kept my promise to the letter, and yet broken it in the +spirit, easily enough, by letting him understand by inference; but of +course one could not be so mean as that when one was going to eat her +salt, so I looked out of the window and answered coldly that I was quite +friendly and did not understand him, and I immediately turned to my old +gentleman and walked with him into the library. In fact, I was as cool +as I could be without being actually rude, but all the time there was a +flat, heavy feeling round my heart. He looked so cross and reproachful, +and I did not like him to think me capricious.</p> + +<p>We did not see them again until tea—the sportsmen, I mean. But tea at +Tryland is not a friendly time; it is just as stiff as other meals. Lady +Ver never let Lord Robert leave her side, and immediately after tea +everybody who stayed in the drawing-room played bridge, where they were +planted until the dressing-bell rang.</p> + +<p>One would have thought Lady Katherine would have disapproved of cards, +but I suppose every one must have one contradiction about them, for she +loves bridge, and played for the lowest stakes with the air of a "needy +adventurer" as the books say.</p> + +<p>I can't write the whole details of the rest of the visit. I was +miserable, and that is the truth. Fate seemed to be against Lord Robert +speaking to me, even when he tried, and I felt I must be extra cool and +nasty because I—oh, well, I may as well say it—he attracts me very +much. I never once looked at him from under my eyelashes, and after the +next day he did not even try to have an explanation.</p> + +<p>He glanced with wrath sometimes, especially when Malcolm hung over me, +and Lady Ver said his temper was dreadful.</p> + +<p>She was so sweet to me, it almost seemed as if she wanted to make up to +me for not letting me play with Lord Robert.</p> + +<p>(Of course, I would not allow her to see I minded that.)</p> + +<p>And finally Friday came, and the last night.</p> + +<p>I sat in my room from tea until dinner. I could not stand Malcolm any +longer. I had fenced with him rather well up to then, but that promise +of mine hung over me. I nipped him every time he attempted to explain +what it was, and to this moment I don't know, but it did not prevent him +from saying tiresome, loving things, mixed with priggish advice. I +don't know what would have happened, only when he got really horribly +affectionate, just after tea, I was so exasperated I launched this bomb.</p> + +<p>"I don't believe a word you are saying—your real interest is Angela +Grey."</p> + +<p>He nearly had a fit, and shut up at once. So, of course, it is not a +horse. I felt sure of it. Probably one of those people Mrs. Carruthers +said all young men knew—their adolescent measles and chicken-pox, she +called them.</p> + +<p>All the old men talked a great deal to me, and even the other two young +ones; but these last days I did not seem to have any of my usual +spirits. Just as we were going to bed on Friday night Lord Robert came +up to Lady Ver; she had her hand through my arm.</p> + +<p>"I can come to the play with you on Saturday night, after all," he said. +"I have wired to Campion to make a fourth, and you will get some other +woman, won't you?"</p> + +<p>"I will try," said Lady Ver, and she looked right into his eyes; then +she turned to me. "I shall feel so cruel leaving you alone, Evangeline" +(at once, almost, she called me Evangeline; I should never do that with +strangers), "but I suppose you ought not to be seen at a play just yet."</p> + +<p>"I like being alone," I said. "I shall go to sleep early."</p> + +<p>Then they settled to dine all together at her house, and go on; so, +knowing I should see him again, I did not even say good-bye to Lord +Robert, and he left by the early train.</p> + +<p>A number of the guests came up to London with us.</p> + +<p>My leave-taking with Lady Katherine had been coldly cordial. I thanked +her deeply for her kindness in asking me there. She did not renew the +invitation; I expect she felt a person like me, who would have to look +after themselves, was not a suitable companion to her altar-cloth and +poker workers.</p> + +<p>Up to now, she told Lady Ver, of course I had been most carefully +brought up and taken care of by Mrs. Carruthers, although she had not +approved of her views. And having done her best for me at this juncture, +saving me from staying alone with Mr. Carruthers, she felt it was all +she was called upon to do. She thought my position would become too +unconventional for their circle in future! Lady Ver told me all this +with great glee. She was sure it would amuse me, it so amused her, but +it made me a teeny bit remember the story of the boys and the frogs!</p> + +<p>Lady Ver now and then puts out a claw which scratches, while she ripples +with laughter. Perhaps she does not mean it.</p> + +<p>This house is nice, and full of pretty things, as far as I have seen. We +arrived just in time to fly into our clothes for dinner. I am in a wee +room four stories up, by the three angels. I was down first, and Lord +Robert and Mr. Campion were in the drawing-room. Sir Charles Verningham +is in Paris, by-the-way, so I have not seen him yet.</p> + +<p>Lord Robert was stroking the hair of the eldest angel, who had not gone +to bed. The loveliest thing she is, and so polite, and different to Mary +Mackintosh's infants.</p> + +<p>He introduced Mr. Campion stiffly, and returned to Mildred—the angel.</p> + +<p>Suddenly mischief came into me, the reaction from the last dull days; +so I looked straight at Mr. Campion from under my eyelashes, and it had +the effect it always has on people—he became interested at once. I +don't know why this does something funny to them. I remember I first +noticed it in the school-room at Branches. I was doing a horrible exercise +upon the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg +115]</a></span> <i lang="fr">participe passé</i>, and feeling very <i +lang="fr">égarée</i>, when one of the old ambassadors came in +to see <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span>. I looked up quickly, with my +head a little down, and he said to <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span>, in +a low voice, in German, that I had the strangest eyes he had ever seen, +and that uplook under the eyelashes was the affair of the devil!</p> + +<p>Now I knew even then the affair of the devil is something attractive, so +I have never forgotten it, although I was only about fifteen at the +time. I always determined I would try it when I grew up and wanted to +create emotions. Except Mr. Carruthers and Lord Robert, I have never had +much chance, though.</p> + +<p>Mr. Campion sat down beside me on a sofa, and began to say at once that +I ought to be going to the play with them. I spoke in my velvet voice, +and said I was in too deep mourning, and he apologized so nicely, rather +confused.</p> + +<p>He is quite a decent-looking person, smart and well groomed, like Lord +Robert, but not that lovely shape. We talked on for about ten minutes. I +said very little, but he never took his eyes off my face. All the time I +was conscious that Lord Robert was fidgeting and playing with a china +cow that was on a table near, and just before the butler announced Mrs. +Fairfax he dropped it on the floor and broke its tail off.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Fairfax is not pretty; she has reddish-gold hair, with brown +roots, and a very dark skin, but it is nicely done—the hair, I mean, +and perhaps the skin too, as sideways you can see the pink sticking up +on it. It must be rather a nuisance to have to do all that, but it is +certainly better than looking like Mary Mackintosh. She doesn't balance +nicely—bits of her are too long or too short. I do like to see +everything in the right place—like Lord Robert's figure. Lady Ver came +in just then, and we all went down to dinner. Mrs. Fairfax gushed at her +a good deal. Lady Ver does not like her much—she told me in the +train—but she was obliged to wire to her to come, as she could not get +any one else Mr. Campion liked on so short a notice.</p> + +<p>"The kind of woman every one knows, and who has no sort of pride," she +said.</p> + +<p>Well, even when I am really an adventuress I sha'n't be like that.</p> + +<p>Dinner was very gay.</p> + +<p>Lady Ver, away from her decorous relations, is most amusing. She says +anything that comes into her head. Mrs. Fairfax got cross because Mr. +Campion would speak to me; but as I did not particularly take to her, I +did not mind, and just amused myself. As the party was so small, Lord +Robert and I were obliged to talk a little, and once or twice I forgot +and let myself be natural and smile at him. His eyebrows went up in that +questioning, pathetic way he has, and he looked so attractive—that made +me remember again, and instantly turn away. When we were coming into the +hall, while Lady Ver and Mrs. Fairfax were up putting on their cloaks, +Lord Robert came up close to me and whispered:</p> + +<p>"I <i>can't</i> understand you. There is some reason for your treating me +like this, and I will find it out. Why are you so cruel, little, wicked +tiger cat?" and he pinched one of my fingers until I could have cried +out.</p> + +<p>That made me so angry.</p> + +<p>"How dare you touch me!" I said. "It is because you know I have no one +to take care of me that you presume like this."</p> + +<p>I felt my eyes blaze at him, but there was a lump in my throat. I would +not have been hurt if it had been any one else, only angry; but he had +been so respectful and gentle with me at Branches, and I had liked him +so much. It seemed more cruel for him to be impertinent now.</p> + +<p>His face fell; indeed, all the fierceness went out of it, and he looked +intensely miserable.</p> + +<p>"Oh, don't say that!" he said, in a choked voice. "I—oh, that is the +one thing you know is not true."</p> + +<p>Mr. Campion, with his fur coat fastened, came up at that moment, saying +gallant things, and insinuating that we must meet again, but I said +good-night quietly, and came up the stairs without a word more to Lord +Robert.</p> + +<p>"Good-night, Evangeline, pet," Lady Ver said, when I met her on the +drawing-room landing, coming down. "I do feel a wretch, leaving you, but +to-morrow I will really try and amuse you. You look very pale, child; +the journey has tried you, probably."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I am tired," I tried to say in a natural voice, but the end word +shook a little, and Lord Robert was just behind, having run up the +stairs after me, so I fear he must have heard.</p> + +<p>"Miss Travers—please—" he implored, but I walked on up the next +flight, and Lady Ver put her hand on his arm and drew him down with her, +and as I got up to the fourth floor I heard the front door shut.</p> + +<p>And now they are gone and I am alone. My tiny room is comfortable, and +the fire is burning brightly. I have a big arm-chair and books, and +this, my journal, and all is cosey—only I feel so miserable.</p> + +<p>I won't cry and be a silly coward.</p> + +<p>Why, of course it is amusing to be free. And I am <i>not</i> grieving over +Mrs. Carruthers's death—only perhaps I am lonely, and I wish I were at +the theatre. No, I don't—I—Oh, the thing I do wish is +that—that—<i>no</i>, I won't write it even.</p> + +<p>Good-night, journal!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="A300ParkStreet1" id="A300ParkStreet1"></a>300 Park Street,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Wednesday,</span> November 23d.</span> +</h1> + +<p>Oh, how silly to want the moon! But that is evidently what is the matter +with me. Here I am in a comfortable house with a kind hostess, and no +immediate want of money, and yet I am restless, and sometimes unhappy.</p> + +<p>For the four days since I arrived Lady Ver has been so kind to me, taken +the greatest pains to try and amuse me and cheer me up. We have driven +about in her electric brougham and shopped, and agreeable people have +been to lunch each day, and I have had what I suppose is a <i lang="fr">succès</i>. At +least she says so.</p> + +<p>I am beginning to understand things better, and it seems one must have +no real feelings, just as Mrs. Carruthers always told me, if one wants +to enjoy life.</p> + +<p>On two evenings Lady Ver has been out, with numbers of regrets at +leaving me behind, and I have gathered that she has seen Lord Robert, +but he has not been here, I am glad to say.</p> + +<p>I am real friends with the angels, who are delightful people, and very +well brought up. Lady Ver evidently knows much better about it than Mary +Mackintosh, although she does not talk in that way.</p> + +<p>I can't think what I am going to do next. I suppose soon this kind of +drifting will seem quite natural, but at present the position galls me +for some reason. I <i>hate</i> to think people are being kind out of charity. +How very foolish of me, though!</p> + +<p>Lady Merrenden is coming to lunch to-morrow. I am interested to see her, +because Lord Robert said she was such a dear. I wonder what has become +of him. He has not been here—I wonder—No, I am <i>too</i> silly.</p> + +<p>Lady Ver does not get up to breakfast, and I go into her room and have +mine on another little tray, and we talk, and she reads me bits out of +her letters.</p> + +<p>She seems to have a number of people in love with her—that must be +nice.</p> + +<p>"It keeps Charlie always devoted," she said, "because he realizes he +owns what the other men want."</p> + +<p>She says, too, that all male creatures are fighters by nature; they +don't value things they obtain easily, and which are no trouble to keep. +You must always make them realize you will be off like a snipe if they +relax their efforts to please you for one moment.</p> + +<p>Of course there are heaps of humdrum ways of living, where the husband +is quite fond, but it does not make his heart beat, and Lady Ver says +she couldn't stay on with a man whose heart she couldn't make beat when +she wanted to.</p> + +<p>I am curious to see Sir Charles.</p> + +<p>They play bridge a good deal in the afternoon, and it amuses me a little +to talk nicely to the man who is out for the moment, and make him not +want to go back to the game.</p> + +<p>I am learning a number of things.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Night1" id="Night1"></a>Night.</h1> + + +<p>Mr. Carruthers came to call this afternoon. He was the last person I +expected to see when I went into the drawing-room after luncheon, to +wait for Lady Ver. I had my out-door things on, and a big black hat, +which is rather becoming, I am glad to say.</p> + +<p>"You here!" he exclaimed, as we shook hands.</p> + +<p>"Yes, why not me?" I said.</p> + +<p>He looked very self-contained and reserved, I thought, as if he had not +the least intention of letting himself go to display any interest. It +instantly aroused in me an intention to change all that.</p> + +<p>"Lady Verningham kindly asked me to spend a few days with her when we +left Tryland," I said, demurely.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you are staying here! Well, I was over at Tryland the day before +yesterday—an elaborate invitation from Lady Katherine to 'dine and +sleep quietly,' which I only accepted as I thought I should see you."</p> + +<p>"How good of you," I said, sweetly. "And did they not tell you I had +gone with Lady Verningham?"</p> + +<p>"Nothing of the kind. They merely announced that you had departed for +London, so I supposed it was your original design of Claridge's, and I +intended going round there some time to find you."</p> + +<p>Again I said it was so good of him, and I looked down.</p> + +<p>He did not speak for a second or two, and I remained perfectly still.</p> + +<p>"What are your plans?" he asked, abruptly.</p> + +<p>"I have no plans."</p> + +<p>"But you must have—that is ridiculous—you must have made some decision +as to where you are going to live!"</p> + +<p>"No, I assure you," I said, calmly, "when I leave here on Saturday I +shall just get into a cab and think of some place for it to take me to, +I suppose, as we turn down Park Lane."</p> + +<p>He moved uneasily, and I glanced at him up from under my hat. I don't +know why he does not attract me now as much as he did at first. There is +something so cold and cynical about his face.</p> + +<p>"Listen, Evangeline," he said, at last. "Something must be settled for +you. I cannot allow you to drift about like this. I am more or less your +guardian, you know—you must feel that."</p> + +<p>"I don't a bit," I said.</p> + +<p>"You impossible little—witch." He came closer.</p> + +<p>"Yes, Lady Verningham says I am a witch, and a snake, and all sorts of +bad, attractive things, and I want to go somewhere where I shall be able +to show these qualities. England is dull. What do you think of Paris?"</p> + +<p>Oh, it did amuse me launching forth these remarks; they would never come +into my head for any one else!</p> + +<p>He walked across the room and back. His face was disturbed.</p> + +<p>"You shall not go to Paris—alone. How can you even suggest such a +thing?" he said.</p> + +<p>I did not speak. He grew exasperated.</p> + +<p>"Your father's people are all dead, you tell me, and you know nothing of +your mother's relations. But who was she? What was her name? Perhaps we +could discover some kith and kin for you."</p> + +<p>"My mother was called Miss Tonkins," I said.</p> + +<p>"<i>Called</i> Miss Tonkins?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Then it was not her name. What do you mean?"</p> + +<p>I hated these questions.</p> + +<p>"I suppose it was her name. I never heard she had another."</p> + +<p>"Tonkins," he said—"Tonkins," and he looked searchingly at me with his +monk-of-the-Inquisition air.</p> + +<p>I can be so irritating, not telling people things, when I like, and it +was quite a while before he elicited the facts from me, which Mrs. +Carruthers had often hurled at my head in moments of anger, that poor +mamma's father had been Lord de Brandreth and her mother, Heaven knows +who!</p> + +<p>"So you see," I ended with, "I haven't any relations, after all, have +I?"</p> + +<p>He sat down upon the sofa.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline, there is nothing for it; you must marry me," he said.</p> + +<p>I sat down opposite him.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you are funny!" I said. "You, a clever diplomat, to know so little +of women! Who in the world would accept such an offer?" and I laughed +and laughed.</p> + +<p>"What am I to do with you?" he exclaimed, angrily.</p> + +<p>"Nothing." I laughed still, and I looked at him with my +"affair-of-the-devil" look. He came over and forcibly took my hand.</p> + +<p>"Yes, you are a witch," he said—"a witch who casts spells and destroys +resolutions and judgments. I determined to forget you, and put you out +of my life—you are most unsuitable to me, you know—but as soon as I +see you I am filled with only one desire. I <i>must</i> have you for myself. +I want to kiss you—to touch you. I want to prevent any other man from +looking at you—do you hear me, Evangeline?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I hear," I said; "but it does not have any effect on me. You would +be awful as a husband. Oh, I know all about them!" and I looked up. "I +saw several sorts at Tryland, and Lady Verningham has told me of the +rest, and I know you would be no earthly good in that rôle!"</p> + +<p>He laughed, in spite of himself, but he still held my hand.</p> + +<p>"Describe their types to me, that I may see which I should be," he said, +with great seriousness.</p> + +<p>"There is the Mackintosh kind—humble and 'titsy pootsy,' and a sort of +under-nurse," I said.</p> + +<p>"That is not my size, I fear."</p> + +<p>"Then there is the Montgomerie—selfish and bullying, and near about +money."</p> + +<p>"But I am not Scotch."</p> + +<p>"No—well, Lord Kestervin was English, and he fussed and worried, and +looked out trains all the time."</p> + +<p>"I will have a groom of the chambers."</p> + +<p>"And they were all casual and indifferent to their poor wives—and +boresome—and bored! And one told long stories, and one was stodgy, and +one opened his wife's letters before she was down!"</p> + +<p>"Tell me the attributes of a perfect husband, then, that I may learn +them," he said.</p> + +<p>"They have to pay all the bills——"</p> + +<p>"Well, I could do that."</p> + +<p>"And they have not to interfere with one's movements. And one must be +able to make their hearts beat."</p> + +<p>"Well, you could do <i>that</i>!" and he bent nearer to me. I drew back.</p> + +<p>"And they have to take long journeys to the Rocky Mountains for months +together, with men friends."</p> + +<p>"Certainly not!" he exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"There, you see!" I said; "the most important part you don't agree to. +There is no use talking further."</p> + +<p>"Yes, there is! You have not said half enough. Have they to make your +heart beat, too?"</p> + +<p>"You are hurting my hand."</p> + +<p>He dropped it.</p> + +<p>"Have they?"</p> + +<p>"Lady Ver said no husband could do that. The fact of their being one +kept your heart quite quiet, and often made you yawn; but she said it +was not necessary, as long as you could make theirs so that they would +do all you asked."</p> + +<p>"Then do women's hearts never beat—did she tell you?"</p> + +<p>"Of course they beat. How simple you are for thirty years old! They beat +constantly for—oh—for people who are not husbands."</p> + +<p>"That is the result of your observations, is it? You are probably right +and I am a fool."</p> + +<p>"Some one said at lunch yesterday that a beautiful lady in Paris had her +heart beating for you," I said, looking at him again.</p> + +<p>He changed—so very little. It was not a start, or a wince even—just +enough for me to know he felt what I said.</p> + +<p>"People are too kind," he said. "But we have got no nearer the point. +When will you marry me?"</p> + +<p>"I shall marry you—never! Mr. Carruthers," I said, "unless I get into +an old maid soon and no one else asks me! Then if you go on your knees I +may put out the tip of my fingers, perhaps!" and I moved towards the +door, making him a sweeping and polite courtesy.</p> + +<p>He rushed after me.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline!" he exclaimed. "I am not a violent man as a rule; indeed, I +am rather cool, but you would drive any one perfectly mad. Some day some +one will strangle you—witch!"</p> + +<p>"Then I had better run away to save my neck," I said, laughing over my +shoulder as I opened the door and ran up the stairs, and I peeped at him +from the landing above. He had come out into the hall. "Good-bye," I +called, and, without waiting to see Lady Ver, he tramped down the stairs +and away.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline, what <i>have</i> you been doing?" she asked, when I got into her +room, where her maid was settling her veil before the glass, and +trembling over it. Lady Ver is sometimes fractious with her—worse than +I am with Véronique, far.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline, you look naughtier than ever—confess at once."</p> + +<p>"I have been as good as gold," I said.</p> + +<p>"Then why are those two emeralds sparkling so, may one ask?"</p> + +<p>"They are sparkling with conscious virtue," I said, demurely.</p> + +<p>"You have quarrelled with Mr. Carruthers—go away, Welby! Stupid woman, +can't you see it catches my nose!"</p> + +<p>Welby retired meekly. (After she is cross, Lady Ver sends Welby to the +theatre. Welby adores her.)</p> + +<p>"Evangeline, how dare you! I see it all. I gathered bits from Robert. +You have quarrelled with the very man you must marry!"</p> + +<p>"What does Lord Robert know about me?" I said. That made me angry.</p> + +<p>"Nothing; he only said Mr. Carruthers admired you at Branches."</p> + +<p>"Oh!"</p> + +<p>"He is too attractive—Christopher! He is one of the 'married women's +pets,' as Ada Fairfax says, and has never spoken to a girl before. You +ought to be grateful we have let him look at you—minx!—instead of +quarrelling, as I can see you have." She rippled with laughter, while +she pretended to scold me.</p> + +<p>"Surely I may be allowed that chastened diversion!" I said. "I can't go +to theatres!"</p> + +<p>"Tell me about it," she commanded, tapping her foot.</p> + +<p>But early in Mrs. Carruthers's days I learned that one is wiser when one +keeps one's own affairs to one's self, so I fenced a little, and +laughed, and we went out to drive finally, without her being any the +wiser. Going into the park, we came upon a troop of the 3d Life Guards, +who had been escorting the king to open something, and there rode Lord +Robert in his beautiful clothes and a floating plume. He did look so +lovely, and <i>my</i> heart suddenly began to beat—I could feel it, and was +ashamed, and it did not console me greatly to reflect that the emotion +caused by a uniform is not confined to nursemaids.</p> + +<p>Of course it must have been the uniform and the black horse—Lord Robert +is nothing to me. But I hate to think that, mamma's mother having been +nobody, I should have inherited these common instincts!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="A300ParkStreet2" id="A300ParkStreet2"></a>300 Park Street,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Thursday evening,</span> November 24th.</span> +</h1> + +<p>Lady Merrenden is so nice—one of those kind faces that even a tight +fringe in a net does not spoil. She is tall and graceful, past fifty +perhaps, and has an expression of Lord Robert about the eyes. At +luncheon she was sweet to me at once, and did not look as if she thought +I must be bad just because I have red hair, like elderly ladies do +generally.</p> + +<p>I felt I wanted to be good and nice directly. She did not allude to my +desolate position or say anything without tact, but she asked me to +lunch as if I had been a queen and would honor her by accepting. For +some reason I could see Lady Ver did not wish me to go—she made all +sorts of excuses about wanting me herself—but also, for some reason, +Lady Merrenden was determined I should, and finally settled it should be +on Saturday, when Lady Ver is going down to Northumberland to her +father's, and I am going—where? Alas! as yet I know not.</p> + +<p>When she had gone Lady Ver said old people without dyed hair or bridge +proclivities were tiresome, and she smoked three cigarettes, one after +the other as fast as she could. (Welby is going to the theatre again +to-night!)</p> + +<p>I said I thought Lady Merrenden was charming. She snapped my head off +for the first time, and then there was silence, but presently she began +to talk, and fix herself in a most becoming way on the sofa—we were in +her own sitting-room, a lovely place, all blue silk and French furniture +and attractive things. She said she had a cold and must stay in-doors. +She had changed immediately into a tea-gown, but I could not hear any +cough.</p> + +<p>"Charlie has just wired he comes back to-night," she announced, at +length.</p> + +<p>"How nice for you!" I sympathized; "you will be able to make his heart +beat!"</p> + +<p>"As a matter of fact, it is extremely inconvenient, and I want you to be +nice to him, and amuse him, and take his attention off me, like a pet, +Evangeline," she cooed; and then: "What a lovely afternoon for November! +I wish I could go for a walk in the park," she said.</p> + +<p>I felt it would be cruel to tease her further, and so announced my +intention of taking exercise in that way with the angels.</p> + +<p>"Yes, it will do you good, dear child," she said, brightly, "and I will +rest here and take care of my cold."</p> + +<p>"They have asked me to tea in the nursery," I said, "and I have +accepted."</p> + +<p>"Jewel of a snake-girl!" she laughed—she is not thick.</p> + +<p>"Do you know the Torquilstone history?" she said, just as I was going +out of the door.</p> + +<p>I came back—why, I can't imagine, but it interested me.</p> + +<p>"Robert's brother—half-brother, I mean—the duke, is a cripple, you +know, and he is <i lang="fr">toqué</i> on one point too—their blue blood. He will +never marry, but he can cut Robert off with almost the bare title if he +displeases him."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said.</p> + +<p>"Torquilstone's mother was one of the housemaids. The old duke married +her before he was twenty-one, and she, fortunately, joined her beery +ancestors a year or so afterwards; and then much later he married +Robert's mother, Lady Etheldrida Fitz Walter. There is sixteen years +between them—Robert and Torquilstone, I mean."</p> + +<p>"Then what is he <i lang="fr">toqué</i> about blue blood for, with a <i lang="fr">tache</i> like +that?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"That is just it. He thinks it is such a disgrace that even if he were +not a humpback he says he would never marry to transmit this stain to +the future Torquilstones—and if Robert ever marries any one without a +pedigree enough to satisfy an Austrian prince, he will disown him and +leave every <span lang="fr">sou</span> to charity."</p> + +<p>"Poor Lord Robert!" I said, but I felt my cheeks burn.</p> + +<p>"Yes, is it not tiresome for him? So, of course, he cannot marry until +his brother's death, there is almost no one in England suitable."</p> + +<p>"It is not so bad, after all," I said; "there is always the delicious +rôle of the 'married woman's pet,' open to him, isn't there?" and I +laughed.</p> + +<p>"Little cat!" but she wasn't angry.</p> + +<p>"I told you I only scratched when I was scratched first," I said, as I +went out of the room.</p> + +<p>The angels had started for their walk, and Véronique had to come with me +at first to find them. We were walking fast down the path beyond +Stanhope Gate, seeing their blue velvet pelisses in the distance, when +we met Mr. Carruthers.</p> + +<p>He stopped and turned with me.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline, I was so angry with you yesterday," he said. "I very nearly +left London and abandoned you to your fate, but now that I have seen you +again—" He paused.</p> + +<p>"You think Paris is a long way off!" I said, innocently.</p> + +<p>"What have they been telling you?" he said, sternly, but he was not +quite comfortable.</p> + +<p>"They have been saying it is a fine November, and the Stock Exchange is +no place to play in, and if it weren't for bridge they would all commit +suicide. That is what we talk of at Park Street."</p> + +<p>"You know very well what I mean. What have they been telling you about +me?"</p> + +<p>"Nothing, except that there is a charming French lady who adores you, +and whom you are devoted to—and I am so sympathetic. I like +Frenchwomen, they put on their hats so nicely."</p> + +<p>"What ridiculous gossip! I don't think Park Street is the place for you +to stay. I thought you had more mind than to chatter like this."</p> + +<p>"I suit myself to my company." I laughed, and waited for Véronique, who +had stopped respectfully behind. She came up reluctantly. She +disapproves of all English unconventionality, but she feels it her duty +to encourage Mr. Carruthers.</p> + +<p>"Should she run on and stop the young ladies," she suggested, pointing +to the angels in front.</p> + +<p>"Yes, do," said Mr. Carruthers, and before I could prevent her she was +off.</p> + +<p>Traitress! She was thinking of her own comfortable quarters at Branches, +I know.</p> + +<p>The sharp, fresh air got into my head. I felt gay, and without care. I +said heaps of things to Mr. Carruthers, just as I had once before to +Malcolm, only this was much more fun, because Mr. Carruthers isn't a +red-haired Scotchman and can see things.</p> + +<p>It seemed a day of meetings, for when we got down to the end we +encountered Lord Robert walking leisurely in our direction. He looked as +black as night when he caught sight of us.</p> + +<p>"Hello, Bob!" said Mr. Carruthers, cheerfully. "Ages since I saw you. +Will you come and dine to-night? I have a box for this winter opera that +is on, and I am trying to persuade Miss Travers to come. She says Lady +Verningham is not engaged to-night, she knows, and we might dine quietly +and all go; don't you think so?"</p> + +<p>Lord Robert said he would, but he added, "Miss Travers would never come +out before—she said she was in too deep mourning." He seemed aggrieved.</p> + +<p>"I am going to sit in the back of the box and no one will see me," I +said. "And I do love music so."</p> + +<p>"We had better let Lady Verningham know at once then," said Mr. +Carruthers.</p> + +<p>Lord Robert announced he was going there now, and would tell her.</p> + +<p>I knew that. The blue tea-gown with the pink roses, and the lace cap, +and the bad cold were not for nothing. (I wish I had not written this; +it is spiteful of me, and I am not spiteful, as a rule. It must be the +east wind.)</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Thursday_night_November_24th" id="Thursday_night_November_24th"></a> +<span style="font-style: normal;">Thursday night,</span> November 24th. +</h1> + + +<p>"Now that you have embarked upon this—" Lady Ver said, when I ventured +into her sitting-room, hearing no voices, about six o'clock. (Mr. +Carruthers had left me at the door at the end of our walk, and I had +been with the angels at tea ever since.) "Now that you have embarked +upon this opera, I say, you will have to dine at Willis's with us. I +won't be in when Charlie arrives from Paris. A blowy day like to-day his +temper is sure to be impossible."</p> + +<p>"Very well," I said.</p> + +<p>Of what use, after all, for an adventuress like me to have sensitive +feelings.</p> + +<p>"And I am leaving this house at a quarter to seven, I wish you to know, +Evangeline, pet," she called after me, as I flew off to dress. As a rule +Lady Ver takes a good hour to make herself into the attractive darling +she is in the evening. She has not to do much, because she is lovely by +nature, but she potters and squabbles with Welby, to divert herself, I +suppose.</p> + +<p>However, to-night, with the terror upon her of a husband fresh from a +rough Channel passage going to arrive at seven o'clock, she was +actually dressed and down in the hall when I got there punctually at +6.45, and in the twinkle of an eye we were rolling in the electric to +Willis's. I have only been there once before, and that to lunch in Mrs. +Carruthers's days with some of the ambassadors; and it does feel gay +going to a restaurant at night. I felt more excited than ever in my +life, and such a situation, too!</p> + +<p>Lord Robert—<i lang="fr">fruit défendu!</i>—and Mr. Carruthers—<i lang="fr">empressé</i>—and to be +kept in bounds!</p> + +<p>More than enough to fill the hands of a maiden of sixteen fresh from a +convent, as old Count Someroff used to say when he wanted to express a +really difficult piece of work.</p> + +<p>They were waiting for us just inside the door, and again I noticed that +they were both lovely creatures, and both exceptionally distinguished +looking.</p> + +<p>Lady Ver nodded to a lot of people before we took our seats in a nice +little corner. She must have an agreeable time with so many friends. She +said something which sounds so true in one of our talks, and I thought +of it then.</p> + +<p>"It is wiser to marry the life you like, because after a little the man +doesn't matter." She has evidently done that, but I wish it could be +possible to have both—the man and the life. Well! Well!</p> + +<p>One has to sit rather close on those sofas, and as Lord Robert was not +the host, he was put by me. The other two at a right-angle to us.</p> + +<p>I felt exquisitely gay—in spite of having an almost high black dress on +and not even any violets.</p> + +<p>It was dreadfully difficult not to speak nicely to my neighbor, his +directness and simplicity are so engaging, but I did try hard to +concentrate myself on Christopher and leave him alone, only—I don't +know why—the sense of his being so near me made me feel, I don't quite +know what. However, I hardly spoke to him—Lady Ver shall never say I +did not play fair—though, insensibly, even she herself drew me into a +friendly conversation, and then Lord Robert looked like a happy +school-boy.</p> + +<p>We had a delightful time.</p> + +<p>Mr. Carruthers is a perfect host. He has all the smooth and exquisite +manners of the old diplomats, without their false teeth and things. I +wish I were in love with him, or even I wish something inside me would +only let me feel it was my duty to marry him; but it jumps up at me +every time I want to talk to myself about it, and says, "Absolutely +impossible."</p> + +<p>When it came to starting for the opera, "Mr. Carruthers will take you in +his brougham, Evangeline," Lady Ver said, "and I will be protected by +Robert. Come along, Robert," as he hesitated.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I say, Lady Ver!" he said, "I would love to come with you, but +won't it look rather odd for Miss Evangeline to arrive alone with +Christopher? Consider his character!"</p> + +<p>Lady Ver darted a glance of flame at him and got into the electric, +while Christopher, without hesitation, handed me into his brougham. Lord +Robert and I were two puppets, a part I do not like playing.</p> + +<p>I was angry altogether. She would not have dared to have left me go like +this if I had been any one who mattered. Mr. Carruthers got in, and +tucked his sable rug round me. I never spoke a word for a long time, and +Covent Garden is not far off, I told myself. I can't say why I had a +sense of <i lang="fr">malaise</i>.</p> + +<p>There was a strange look in his face as a great lamp threw a light on +it. "Evangeline," he said, in a voice I have not yet heard, "when are +you going to finish playing with me? I am growing to love you, you +know."</p> + +<p>"I am very sorry to hear it," I said, gently. "I don't want you to. Oh, +please <i>don't</i>!" as he took my hand. "I—I—if you only knew how I +<i>hate</i> being touched!"</p> + +<p>He leaned back and looked at me. There is something which goes to the +head a little about being in a brougham with nice fur rugs alone with +some one at night. The lights flashing in at the windows, and that faint +scent of a very good cigar. I felt fearfully excited. If it had been +Lord Robert, I believe—well——</p> + +<p>He leaned over very close to me. It seemed in another moment he would +kiss me, and what could I do then? I couldn't scream, or jump out in +Leicester Square, could I?</p> + +<p>"Why do you call me Evangeline?" I said, by way of putting him off. "I +never said you might."</p> + +<p>"Foolish child!—I shall call you what I please. You drive me mad. I +don't know what you were born for. Do you always have this effect on +people?"</p> + +<p>"What effect?" I said, to gain time; we had got nearly into Long Acre.</p> + +<p>"An effect that causes one to lose all discretion. I feel I would give +my soul to hold you in my arms."</p> + +<p>I told him I did not think it was at all nice or respectful of him to +talk so—that I found such love revolting.</p> + +<p>"You tell me in your sane moments I am most unsuitable to you—you try +to keep away from me—and then when you get close you begin to talk this +stuff! I think it is an insult!" I said, angry and disdainful. "When I +arouse devotion and tenderness in some one, then I shall listen, but to +you and to this—never!"</p> + +<p>"Go on," he said. "Even in the dim light you look beautiful when cross."</p> + +<p>"I am not cross," I answered. "Only absolutely disgusted."</p> + +<p>By that time, thank goodness, we had got into the stream of carriages +close to the opera-house. Mr. Carruthers, however, seemed hardly to +notice this.</p> + +<p>"Darling," he said, "I will try not to annoy you; but you are so +fearfully provoking. I—tell you truly, no man would find it easy to +keep cool with you."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I don't know what it is, being cool, or not cool," I said, wearily. +"I am tired of every one. Even as tiny a thing as Malcolm Montgomerie +gets odd like this!"</p> + +<p>He leaned back and laughed, and then said, angrily: "Impertinence! I +will wring his neck!"</p> + +<p>"Thank Heaven we have arrived!" I exclaimed, as we drove under the +portico. I gave a great sigh of relief.</p> + +<p>Really, men are very trying and tiresome, and if I shall always have to +put up with these scenes through having red hair, I almost wish it were +mouse-colored, like Cicely Parker's. Mrs. Carruthers often said, "You +need not suppose, Evangeline, that you are going to have a quiet life +with your coloring; the only thing one can hope for is that you will +screw on your head."</p> + +<p>Lady Ver and Lord Robert were already in the hall waiting for us, but +the second I saw them I knew she had been saying something to Lord +Robert. His face, so gay and <i lang="fr">debonnaire</i> all through dinner, now looked +set and stern, and he took not the slightest notice of me as we walked +to the box—the big one next the stage on the pit tier.</p> + +<p>Lady Ver appeared triumphant—her eyes were shining with big blacks in +the middle, and such bright spots of pink in her cheeks—she looked +lovely; and I can't think why, but I suddenly felt I hated her. It was +horrid of me, for she was so kind, and settled me in the corner behind +the curtain where I could see and not be seen, rather far back, while +she and Lord Robert were quite in the front. It was "Carmen"—the opera. +I had never seen it before.</p> + +<p>Music has such an effect—every note seems to touch some emotion in me. +I feel wicked, or good, or exalted, or—or—oh, some queer feeling that +I don't know what it is—a kind of electric current down my back, and as +if—as if I would like to love some one and have them to kiss me. Oh, it +sounds perfectly dreadful what I have written, but I can't help +it—that is what some music does to me, and I said always I should tell +the truth here.</p> + +<p>From the very beginning note to the end I was feeling—feeling—Oh, how +I understand her—Carmen!—<i lang="fr">fruit défendu</i> attracted her so—the +beautiful, wicked, fascinating snake. I also wanted to dance, and to +move like that, and I unconsciously quivered perhaps. I was cold as ice, +and fearfully excited. The back of Lord Robert's beautifully set head +impeded my view at times. How exquisitely groomed he is! And one could +see at a glance <i>his</i> mother had not been a housemaid! I never have seen +anything look so well bred as he does.</p> + +<p>Lady Ver was talking to him in a cooing, low voice after the first act, +and the second act, and indeed even when the third act had begun. He +seemed much more <i lang="fr">empressé</i> with her than he generally does. It—it hurt +me, that and the music and the dancing, and Mr. Carruthers whispering +passionate little words at intervals, even though I paid no attention to +them; but altogether I, too, felt a kind of madness.</p> + +<p>Suddenly Lord Robert turned round, and for five seconds looked at me, +his lovely, expressive blue eyes swimming with wrath and reproach +and—oh, how it hurt me!—contempt. Christopher was leaning over the +back of my chair, quite close, in a devoted attitude.</p> + +<p>Lord Robert did not speak, but if a look could wither I must have turned +into a dead oak-leaf. It awoke some devil in me. What had <i>I</i> done to be +annihilated so! <i>I</i> was playing perfectly fair—keeping my word to Lady +Ver, and—oh, I felt as if it were breaking my heart.</p> + +<p>But that look of Lord Robert's! It drove me to distraction, and every +instinct to be wicked and attractive that I possess came up in me. I +leaned over to Lady Ver, so that I must be close to him, and I said +little things to her, never one word to him; but I moved my seat, making +it certain the corner of his eye must catch sight of me, and I allowed +my shoulders to undulate the faintest bit to that Spanish music. Oh, I +can dance as Carmen, too! Mrs. Carruthers had me taught every time we +went to Paris. She loved to see it herself.</p> + +<p>I could hear Christopher breathing very quickly. "My God!" he whispered, +"a man would go to hell for you."</p> + +<p>Lord Robert got up abruptly and went out of the box.</p> + +<p>Then it was as if <span lang="es">Don José</span>'s dagger plunged into my heart, not Carmen's. +That sounds high-flown, but I mean it—a sudden, sick, cold sensation, +as if everything was numb. Lady Ver turned round pettishly to +Christopher. "What on earth is the matter with Robert?" she said.</p> + +<p>"There is a Persian proverb which asserts a devil slips in between two +winds," said Christopher. "Perhaps that is what has happened in this box +to-night."</p> + +<p>Lady Ver laughed harshly, and I sat there still as death. And all the +time the music and the movement on the stage went on. I am glad she is +murdered in the end—glad! Only I would like to have seen the blood gush +out. I am fierce—fierce—sometimes.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="A300ParkStreet3" id="A300ParkStreet3"></a>300 Park Street,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Friday morning,</span> November 25th.</span> +</h1> + +<p>I know just the meaning of dust and ashes, for that is what I felt I had +had for breakfast this morning, the day after "Carmen."</p> + +<p>Lady Ver had given orders she was not to be disturbed, so I did not go +near her, and crept down to the dining-room, quite forgetting the master +of the house had arrived. There he was, a strange, tall, lean man with +fair hair, and sad, cross, brown eyes, and a nose inclined to pink at +the tip—a look of indigestion about him, I feel sure. He was sitting in +front of a <i>Daily Telegraph</i> propped up on the teapot, and some cold, +untasted sole on his plate.</p> + +<p>I came forward. He looked very surprised.</p> + +<p>"I—I'm Evangeline Travers," I announced.</p> + +<p>He said "How d'you do?" awkwardly. One could see without a notion what +that meant.</p> + +<p>"I'm staying here," I continued. "Did you not know?"</p> + +<p>"Then won't you have some breakfast? Beastly cold, I fear," politeness +forced him to utter. "No, Ianthe never writes to me. I had not heard +any news for a fortnight, and I have not seen her yet."</p> + +<p>Manners have been drummed into me from early youth, so I said, politely, +"You only arrived from Paris late last night, did you not?"</p> + +<p>"I got in about seven o'clock, I think," he replied.</p> + +<p>"We had to leave so early—we were going to the opera," I said.</p> + +<p>"A Wagner that begins at unearthly hours, I suppose?" he murmured, +absently.</p> + +<p>"No, it was 'Carmen,' but we dined first with my—my—guardian, Mr. +Carruthers."</p> + +<p>"Oh!"</p> + +<p>We both ate for a little. The tea was greenish black—and lukewarm. No +wonder he has dyspepsia.</p> + +<p>"Are the children in, I wonder?" he hazarded, presently.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said. "I went to the nursery and saw them as I came down."</p> + +<p>At that moment the three angels burst into the room, but came forward +decorously and embraced their parent. They do not seem to adore him as +they do Lady Ver.</p> + +<p>"Good-morning, papa," said the eldest, and the other two repeated it in +chorus. "We hope you have slept well and had a nice passage across the +sea."</p> + +<p>They evidently had been drilled outside.</p> + +<p>Then, nature getting uppermost, they patted him patronizingly.</p> + +<p>"Daddie, darling, have you brought us any new dolls from Paris?"</p> + +<p>"And I want one with red hair, like Evangeline," said Yseult, the +youngest.</p> + +<p>Sir Charles seemed bored and uncomfortable; he kissed his three +exquisite bits of Dresden china, so like and yet unlike himself—they +have Lady Ver's complexion, but brown eyes and golden hair like his.</p> + +<p>"Yes; ask Harbottle for the packages," he said. "I have no time to talk +to you. Tell your mother I will be in for lunch," and making excuses to +me for leaving so abruptly—an appointment in the City—he shuffled out +of the room.</p> + +<p>I wonder how Lady Ver makes his heart beat! I <i>don't</i> wonder she +prefers—Lord Robert.</p> + +<p>"Why is papa's nose so red?" said Yseult.</p> + +<p>"Hush!" implored Mildred. "Poor papa has come off the sea."</p> + +<p>"I don't love papa," said Corisande, the middle one. "He's cross, and +sometimes he makes darling mummie cry."</p> + +<p>"We must always love papa," chanted Mildred, in a lesson voice. "We +must always love our parents, and grandmamma, and grandpapa, and aunts +and cousins—amen." The "amen" slipped out unawares, and she looked +confused, and corrected herself when she had said it.</p> + +<p>"Let's find Harbottle. Harbottle is papa's valet," Corisande said, "and +he is much thoughtfuller than papa. Last time he brought me a Highland +boy doll, though papa had forgotten I asked for it."</p> + +<p>They all three went out of the room, first kissing me, and courtesying +sweetly when they got to the door. They are never rude or boisterous, +the three angels—I love them.</p> + +<p>Left alone, I did feel like a dead fish. The column "London Day by Day" +caught my eye in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, and I idly glanced down it, not +taking in the sense of the words, until "The Duke of Torquilstone has +arrived at Vavasour House, St. James's, from abroad," I read.</p> + +<p>Well, what did it matter to me—what did anything matter to me?—Lord +Robert had met us in the hall again, as we were coming out of the opera; +he looked very pale, and he apologized to Lady Ver for his abrupt +departure. He had got a chill, he said, and had gone to have a glass of +brandy, and was all right now, and would we not come to supper, and +various other <i lang="fr">empressé</i> things, looking at her with the greatest +devotion. I might not have existed.</p> + +<p>She was capricious, as she sometimes is. "No, Robert, I am going home to +bed. I have got a chill, too," she said.</p> + +<p>And the footman announcing the electric at that moment, we flew off and +left them, Christopher having fastened my sable collar with an air of +possession which would have irritated me beyond words at another time, +but I felt cold and dead, and utterly numb.</p> + +<p>Lady Ver did not speak a word on the way back, and kissed me frigidly as +she went into her room; then she called out:</p> + +<p>"I am tired, snake-girl; don't think I am cross. Good-night." And so I +crept up to bed.</p> + +<p>To-morrow is Saturday and my visit ends. After my lunch with Lady +Merrenden, I am a wanderer on the face of the earth.</p> + +<p>Where shall I wander to? I feel I want to go away by myself, away where +I shall not see a human being who is English. I want to forget what they +look like; I want to shut out of my sight their well-groomed heads; I +want—oh, I do not know what I do want.</p> + +<p>Shall I marry Mr. Carruthers? He would eat me up, and then go back to +Paris to the lady he loves. But I should have the life I like—and the +Carruthers's emeralds are beautiful—and I love Branches—and—and——</p> + +<p>"Her ladyship would like to see you, miss," said a footman.</p> + +<p>So I went up the stairs.</p> + +<p>Lady Ver was in a darkened room, soft pink blinds right down beyond the +half-drawn blue silk curtains.</p> + +<p>"I have a fearful head, Evangeline," she said.</p> + +<p>"Then I will smooth your hair," and I climbed up behind her and began to +run over her forehead with the tips of my fingers.</p> + +<p>"You are really a pet, snake-girl," she said, "and you can't help it."</p> + +<p>"I can't help what?"</p> + +<p>"Being a witch. I knew you would hurt me when I first saw you, and I +tried to protect myself by being kind to you."</p> + +<p>"Oh, dear Lady Ver!" I said, deeply moved. "I would not hurt you for the +world, and indeed you misjudge me. I have kept the bargain to the very +letter—and spirit."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I know you have to the letter, at least, but why did Robert go out +of the box last night?" she demanded, wearily.</p> + +<p>"He said he had got a chill, did not he?" I replied, lamely. She clasped +her hands passionately.</p> + +<p>"A chill! You don't know Robert. He never had a chill in his life," she +said. "Oh, he is the dearest, dearest being in the world. He makes me +believe in good and all things honest. He isn't vicious, and isn't a +prig, and he knows the world, and he lives in its ways like the rest of +us, and yet he doesn't begin by thinking every woman is fair game and +undermining what little self-respect she may have left to her."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said. I found nothing else to say.</p> + +<p>"If I had had a husband like that I would never have yawned," she went +on; "and besides, Robert is too masterful and would be too jealous to +let one divert one's self with another."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said again, and continued to smooth her forehead.</p> + +<p>"He has sentiment, too—he is not matter-of-fact and brutal—and oh, you +should see him on a horse!—he is too, too beautiful." She stretched out +her arms in a movement of weariness that was pathetic and touched me.</p> + +<p>"You have known him a long, long time?" I said, gently.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps five years, but only casually until this season. I was busy +with some one else before. I have played with so many." Then she roused +herself up. "But Robert is the only one who has never made love to me. +Always dear and sweet, and treating me like a queen, as if I were too +high for that, and having his own way, and not caring a pin for any +one's opinion. And I have wanted him to make love to me often. But now I +realize it is no use. Only, you sha'n't have him, snake-girl! I told him +as we were going to the opera you were as cold as ice, and were playing +with Christopher, and I am going to take him down to Northumberland with +me to-morrow out of your way. He shall be my devoted friend, at any +rate. You would break his heart, and I shall still hold you to your +promise."</p> + +<p>I said nothing.</p> + +<p>"Do you hear? I say: <i>You</i> would break his heart. He would be only +capable of loving straight to the end. The kind of love any other woman +would die for—but—you—You are Carmen."</p> + +<p>At all events, not <i>she</i>, nor any other woman, shall ever see what I am +or am not. My heart is not for them to peck at. So I said, calmly:</p> + +<p>"Carmen was stabbed!"</p> + +<p>"And serve her right! Fascinating, fiendish demon!" Then she laughed, +her mood changing.</p> + +<p>"Did you see Charlie?" she said.</p> + +<p>"We breakfasted together."</p> + +<p>"Cheerful person, isn't he?"</p> + +<p>"No," I said. "He looked cross and ill."</p> + +<p>"Ill!" she said, with a shade of anxiety. "Oh, you only mean dyspeptic."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps."</p> + +<p>"Well, he always does when he comes from Paris. If you could go into his +room and see the row of photographs on his mantelpiece, you might guess +why."</p> + +<p>"Pictures of '<span lang="fr">Sole Dieppoise</span>' and '<span lang="fr">Poulet à la Victoria aux Truffes</span>,' no +doubt," I hazarded.</p> + +<p>She doubled up with laughter. "Yes, just that," she said. "Well, he +adores me in his way, and will bring me a new Cartier ring to make up +for it—you will see at luncheon."</p> + +<p>"He is a perfect husband, then."</p> + +<p>"About the same as you will find Christopher. Only Christopher will +start by being an exquisite lover. There is nothing he does not know, +and Charlie has not an idea of that part. Heavens!—the dulness of my +honeymoon!"</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Carruthers said all honeymoons were only another parallel to going +to the dentist or being photographed. Necessary evils to be got through +for the sake of the results."</p> + +<p>"The results!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, the nice house and the jewels and the other things."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Yes, I suppose she was right, but if one had married Robert one +would have had both." She did not say both what—but oh, I knew!</p> + +<p>"You think Mr. Carruthers will make a fair husband, then?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"You will never really know Christopher. I have been acquainted with him +for years. You will never feel he would tell you the whole truth about +anything. He is an epicure, and an analyst of sensations. I don't know +if he has any gods—he does not believe in them if he has; he believes +in no one, and nothing, but perhaps himself. He is violently in love +with you for the moment, and he wants to marry you, because he cannot +obtain you on any other terms."</p> + +<p>"You are flattering," I said, rather hurt.</p> + +<p>"I am truthful. You will probably have a delightful time with him, and +keep him devoted to you for years, because you are not in love with him; +and he will take good care you do not look at any one else. I can +imagine if one were in love with Christopher he would break one's heart, +as he has broken poor Alicia Verney's."</p> + +<p>"Oh, but how silly! People don't have broken hearts now; you are talking +like out of a book, dear Lady Ver."</p> + +<p>"There are a few cases of broken hearts, but they are not for book +reasons—of death and tragedy, etc.—they are because we cannot have +what we want, or keep what we have—" and she sighed.</p> + +<p>We did not speak for a few minutes, then she said, quite gayly:</p> + +<p>"You have made my head better; your touch is extraordinary; in spite of +all, I like you, snake-girl. You are not found on every +gooseberry-bush."</p> + +<p>We kissed lightly, and I left her and went to my room.</p> + +<p>Yes, the best thing I can do is to marry Christopher. I care for him so +little that the lady in Paris won't matter to me, even if she is like +Sir Charles's "<span lang="fr">Poulet à la Victoria aux Truffes</span>." He is such a +gentleman, he will at least be kind to me and refined and +considerate—and the Carruthers emeralds are divine, and just my stones. +I shall have them reset by Cartier. The lace, too, will suit me, and the +sables, and I shall have the suite that Mrs. Carruthers used at Branches +done up with pale, pale green, and burn all the early Victorians! And +no doubt existence will be full of triumphs and pleasure.</p> + +<p>But oh—I wish—I wish it were possible to obtain—"both!"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="A300ParkStreet4" id="A300ParkStreet4"></a>300 Park Street,<br /> +<span class="subtitle">Friday night.</span> +</h1> + +<p>Luncheon passed off very well. Sir Charles returned from the City +improved in temper, and, as Lady Ver had predicted, presented her with a +Cartier jewel. It was a brooch, not a ring, but she was delighted, and +purred to him.</p> + +<p>He was a little late, and we were seated, a party of eight, when he came +in. They all chaffed him about Paris, and he took it quite +good-humoredly—he even seemed pleased. He has no wit, but he looks like +a gentleman, and I dare say as husbands go he is suitable.</p> + +<p>I am getting quite at home in the world, and can speak to any one. I +listen, and I do not talk much, only when I want to say something that +makes them think.</p> + +<p>A very nice man sat next me to-day; he reminded me of the old generals +at Branches. We had quite a war of wits, and it stimulated me.</p> + +<p>He told me, among other things, when he discovered who I was, that he +had known papa—papa was in the same Guards with him—and that he was +the best-looking man of his day. Numbers of women were in love with him, +he said, but he was a faithless being, and rode away.</p> + +<p>"He probably enjoyed himself—don't you think so?—and he had the good +luck to die in his zenith," I said.</p> + +<p>"He was once engaged to Lady Merrenden, you know. She was Lady Sophia +Vavasour then, and absolutely devoted to him, but Mrs. Carruthers came +between them and carried him off—she was years older than he was, too, +and as clever as paint."</p> + +<p>"Poor papa seems to have been a weak creature, I fear."</p> + +<p>"All men are weak," he said.</p> + +<p>"And then he married and left Mrs. Carruthers, I suppose?" I asked. I +wanted to hear as much as I could.</p> + +<p>"Ye-e-s," said my old colonel. "I was best man at the wedding."</p> + +<p>"And what was she like, my mamma?"</p> + +<p>"She was the loveliest creature I ever saw," he said—"as lovely as you, +only you are the image of your father, all but the hair—his was fair."</p> + +<p>"No one has ever said I was lovely before. Oh, I am so glad if you +think so," I said. It did please me. I have often been told I am +attractive and extraordinary, and wonderful and divine, but never just +lovely. He would not say any more about my parents, except that they +hadn't a <span lang="fr">sou</span> to live on, and were not very happy—Mrs. Carruthers took +care of that.</p> + +<p>Then, as every one was going, he said: "I am awfully glad to have met +you. We must be pals, for the sake of old times," and he gave me his +card for me to keep his address, and told me if ever I wanted a friend +to send him a line—Colonel Tom Carden, The Albany.</p> + +<p>I promised I would.</p> + +<p>"You might give me away at my wedding," I said, gayly. "I am thinking of +getting married, some day!"</p> + +<p>"That I will," he promised; "and, by Jove! the man will be a fortunate +fellow."</p> + +<p>Lady Ver and I drove after luncheon—me paid some calls, and went in to +tea with the Montgomeries, who had just arrived at Brown's Hotel for a +week's shopping.</p> + +<p>"Aunt Katherine brings those poor girls up always at this time, and +takes them to some impossible old dressmaker of her own in the daytime, +and to Shakespeare or a concert at night, and returns with them +equipped in more hideous garments each year. It is positively cruel," +said Lady Ver, as we went up the stairs to their <i lang="fr">appartement</i>.</p> + +<p>There they were, sitting round the tea-table just as at Tryland—Kirstie +and Jean embroidering and knitting, and the other two reading new +catalogues of books for their work.</p> + +<p>Lady Ver began to tease them. She asked them all sorts of questions +about their new frocks, and suggested they had better go to Paris once +in a way. Lady Katherine was like ice. She strongly disapproved of my +being with her niece, one could see.</p> + +<p>The connection with the family she hoped would be ended with my visit to +Tryland. Malcolm was arriving in town, too, we gathered, and Lady Ver +left a message to ask him to dine to-night.</p> + +<p>Then we got away.</p> + +<p>"If one of those lumps of suet had a spark of spirit they would go +straight to the devil," Lady Ver said as we went down the stairs. "Think +of it—ties and altar-cloths in London! Mercifully they could not dine +to-night. I had to ask them, and they generally come once while they are +up—the four girls and Aunt Katherine—and it is with the greatest +difficulty I can collect four young men for them if they get the least +hint whom they are to meet. I generally secure a couple of socially +budding Jews, because I feel the subscriptions for their charities which +they will pester whoever they do sit next for are better filched from +the Hebrew than from some pretty, needy Guardsman. Oh, what a life!"</p> + +<p>She was so kind to me on the way back; she said she hated leaving me +alone on the morrow, and that I must settle now what I was going to do +or she would not go. I said I would go to Claridge's, where Mrs. +Carruthers and I had always stayed, and remain quietly alone with +Véronique. I could afford it for a week. So we drove there and made the +arrangement.</p> + +<p>"It is absolutely impossible for you to go on like this, dear child," +she said. "You must have a chaperone; you are far too pretty to stay +alone in a hotel. What <i>can</i> I do for you?"</p> + +<p>I felt so horribly uncomfortable I was really at my wits' end. Oh, it is +no fun being an adventuress, after all, if you want to keep your friends +of the world as well.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps it won't matter if I don't see any one for a few days," I said. +"I will write to Paris. My old <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> is married there to a +flourishing poet, I believe—perhaps she would take me as a paying guest +for a little."</p> + +<p>"That is very visionary—a French poet! Horrible, long-haired, frowsy +creature! Impossible! Surely you see how necessary it is for you to +marry Christopher as soon as you can, Evangeline, don't you?" she said, +and I was obliged to admit there were reasons.</p> + +<p>"The truth is, you can't be the least eccentric or unconventional if you +are good-looking and unmarried," she continued. "You may snap your +fingers at society, but if you do you won't have a good time, and all +the men will either foolishly champion you or be impertinent to you."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I realize it," I said, and there was a lump in my throat.</p> + +<p>"I shall write to Christopher to-morrow," she went on, "and thank him +for our outing last night, and I shall say something nice about you and +your loneliness, and that he, as a kind of relation, may go and see you +on Sunday, as long as he doesn't make love to you, and he can take you +to the Zoo—don't see him in your sitting-room. That will give him just +the extra fillip, and he will go, and you will be demure, and then by +those stimulating lions' and tigers' cages you can plight your troth. It +will be quite respectable. Wire to me at once on Monday to Sedgwick, and +you must come back to Park Street directly I return on Thursday, if it +is all settled."</p> + +<p>I thanked her as well as I could. She was quite ingenuous and quite +sincere. I should be a welcome guest as Christopher's <span lang="fr">fiancée</span>, and there +was no use my feeling bitter about it—she was quite right.</p> + +<p>As I put my hand on Malcolm's skinny arm going down to the dining-room, +the only consolation was my fate had not got to be him. I would rather +be anything in the world than married to that!</p> + +<p>I tried to be agreeable to Sir Charles. We were only a party of six. An +old Miss Harpenden, who goes everywhere to play bridge, and Malcolm, and +one of Lady Ver's young men, and I. Sir Charles is absent, and brings +himself back. He fiddles with the knives and forks, and sprawls on the +table rather, too. He looks at Lady Ver with admiration in his eyes. It +is true, then, in the intervals of Paris, I suppose, she can make his +heart beat.</p> + +<p>Malcolm made love to me after dinner. We were left to talk when the +others sat down to bridge in the little drawing-room.</p> + +<p>"I missed you so terribly, Miss Travers," he said, priggishly, "when you +left us that I realized I was extremely attracted by you."</p> + +<p>"No, you don't say so!" I said, innocently. "Could one believe a thing +like that?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," he said, earnestly. "You may, indeed, believe it."</p> + +<p>"Do not say it so suddenly, then," I said, turning my head away so that +he could not see how I was laughing. "You see, to a red-haired person +like me these compliments go to my head."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I do not want to flurry you," he said, affably. "I know I have been +a good deal sought after—perhaps on account of my possessions"—this +with arrogant modesty—"but I am willing to lay everything +at your feet if you will marry me."</p> + +<p>"Everything?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes, everything."</p> + +<p>"You are too good, Mr. Montgomerie—but what would your mother say?"</p> + +<p>He looked uneasy and slightly unnerved.</p> + +<p>"My mother, I fear, has old-fashioned notions, but I am sure if you went +to her dressmaker—you—you would look different."</p> + +<p>"Should you like me to look different, then? You wouldn't recognize me, +you know, if I went to her dressmaker."</p> + +<p>"I like you just as you are," he said, with an air of great +condescension.</p> + +<p>"I am overcome," I said, humbly. "But—but—what is this story I hear +about Miss Angela Grey? A lady, I see in the papers, who dances at the +Gaiety, is it not? Are you sure she will permit you to make this +declaration without her knowledge?"</p> + +<p>He became petrified.</p> + +<p>"Who has told you about her?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"No one," I said. "Jean said your father was angry with you on account +of a horse of that name, but I chanced to see it in the list of +attractions at the Gaiety, so I conclude it is not a horse; and if you +are engaged to her, I don't think it is quite right of you to try and +break my heart."</p> + +<p>"Oh, Evangeline—Miss Travers!" he spluttered. "I am greatly attached to +you—the other was only a pastime—a—a—Oh, we men, you know—young +and—and—run after—have our temptations, you know. You must think +nothing about it. I will never see her again, except just to finally say +good-bye. I promise you."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I could not do a mean thing like that, Mr. Montgomerie," I said. +"You must not think of behaving so on my account. I am not altogether +heartbroken, you know; in fact, I rather think of getting married, +myself."</p> + +<p>He bounded up.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you have deceived me, then!" he said, in self-righteous wrath. +"After all I said to you that evening at Tryland, and what you promised +then! Yes, you have grossly deceived me."</p> + +<p>I could not say I had not listened to a word he had said that night and +was utterly unconscious of what I had promised. Even his +self-appreciation did not deserve such a blow as that, so I softened my +voice and natural anger at his words, and said, quite gently:</p> + +<p>"Do not be angry. If I have unconsciously given you a wrong impression I +am sorry, but if one came to talking of deceiving, you have deceived me +about Miss Grey, so do not let us speak further upon the matter. We are +quits. Now, won't you be friends as you have always been?" and I put out +my hand and smiled frankly in his face. The mean little lines in it +relaxed, he pulled himself together, and took my hand and pressed it +warmly. From which I knew there was more in the affair of Angela Grey +than met the eye.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline," he said. "I shall always love you; but Miss Grey is an +estimable young woman—there is not a word to be said against her moral +character—and I have promised her my hand in marriage, so perhaps we +had better say good-bye."</p> + +<p>"Good-bye," I said; "but I consider I have every reason to feel insulted +by your offer, which was not, judging from your subsequent remarks, +worth a moment's thought."</p> + +<p>"Oh, but I love you!" he said, and by his face, for the time, this was +probably true. So I did not say any more, and we rose and joined the +bridge players. And I contrived that he should not speak to me again +alone before he said good-night.</p> + +<p>"Did Malcolm propose to you?" Lady Ver asked as we came up to bed. "I +thought I saw a look in his eye at dinner."</p> + +<p>I told her he had done it in a kind of a way, with a reservation in +favor of Miss Angela Grey.</p> + +<p>"That is too dreadful!" she said. "There is a regular epidemic in some +of the Guards regiments just now to marry these poor, common things with +high moral characters and indifferent feet. But I should have thought +the cuteness of the Scot would have protected Malcolm from their +designs. Poor Aunt Katherine!"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Claridges" id="Claridges"></a>Claridge's,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Saturday,</span> November 26th.</span> +</h1> + +<p>Lady Ver went off early to the station to catch her train to +Northumberland this morning, and I hardly saw her to say good-bye. She +seemed out of temper, too, on getting a note—she did not tell me who it +was from or what it was about, only she said immediately after that I +was not to be stupid. "Do not play with Christopher further," she said, +"or you will lose him. He will certainly come and see you to-morrow. He +wrote to me this morning in answer to mine of last night, but he says he +won't go to the Zoo, so you will have to see him in your sitting-room, +after all. He will come about four."</p> + +<p>I did not speak.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline," she said, "promise me you won't be a fool."</p> + +<p>"I—won't be a fool," I said.</p> + +<p>Then she kissed me and was off, and a few moments after I also started +for Claridge's.</p> + +<p>I have a very nice little suite right up at the top, and if only it were +respectable for me, and I could afford it, I could live here very +comfortably by myself for a long time.</p> + +<p>At a quarter to two I was ringing the bell at 200 Carlton House +Terrace—Lady Merrenden's house—with a strange feeling of excitement +and interest. Of course, it must have been because once she had been +engaged to papa. In the second thoughts take to flash, I remembered Lord +Robert's words when I talked of coming to London alone at Branches—how +he would bring me here, and how she would be kind to me until I could +"hunt round."</p> + +<p>Oh, it came to me with a sudden stab. He was leaning over Lady Ver in +the northern train by now.</p> + +<p>Such a stately, beautiful hall it is when the doors open, with a fine +staircase going each way, and full of splendid pictures, and the whole +atmosphere pervaded with an air of refinement and calm.</p> + +<p>The footmen are tall, and not too young, and even at this time of the +year have powdered hair.</p> + +<p>Lady Merrenden was up-stairs in the small drawing-room, and she rose to +meet me, a book in her hand, when I was announced.</p> + +<p>Her manners are so beautiful in her own home—gracious, and not the +least patronizing.</p> + +<p>"I am so glad to see you," she said. "I hope you won't be bored, but I +have not asked any one to meet you, only my nephew Torquilstone is +coming. He is a great sufferer, poor fellow, and numbers of faces worry +him at times——"</p> + +<p>I said I was delighted to see her alone. No look more kind could be +expressed in a human countenance than is expressed in hers. She has the +same exceptional appearance of breeding that Lord Robert has—tiny ears +and wrists and head; even dressed as a char-woman Lady Merrenden would +look like a great lady.</p> + +<p>Very soon we were talking without the least restraint. She did not speak +of people or of very deep things, but it gave one the impression of an +elevated mind and a knowledge of books, and wide thoughts. Oh, I could +love her so easily.</p> + +<p>We had been talking for nearly a quarter of an hour. She had +incidentally asked me where I was staying now, and had not seemed +surprised or shocked when I said Claridge's, and by myself.</p> + +<p>All she said was: "What a lonely little girl! But I dare say it is very +restful sometimes to be by one's self, only you must let your friends +come and see you, won't you?"</p> + +<p>"I don't think I have any friends," I said. "You see, I have been out so +little, but if you would come and see me—oh, I should be so grateful."</p> + +<p>"Then you must count me as one of your rare friends!" she said.</p> + +<p>Nothing could be so rare or so sweet as her smile. Fancy papa throwing +over this angel for Mrs. Carruthers! Men are certainly unaccountable +creatures.</p> + +<p>I said I would be too honored to have her for a friend, and she took my +hand.</p> + +<p>"You bring back the long ago," she said. "My name is Evangeline, +too—Sophia Evangeline—and I sometimes think you may have been called +so in remembrance of me."</p> + +<p>What a strange, powerful factor love must be! Here were these two women, +Mrs. Carruthers and Lady Merrenden—the very opposites of each +other—and they had evidently both adored papa, and both, according to +their natures, had taken an interest in me in consequence, the child of +a third woman who had superseded them both! Papa must have been +extraordinarily fascinating, for to the day of her death Mrs. Carruthers +had his miniature on her table, with a fresh rose beside it—his memory +the only soft spot, it seemed, in her hard heart.</p> + +<p>And this sweet lady's eyes melted in tenderness when she spoke of the +long ago, although she does not know me well enough yet to say anything +further. To me papa's picture is nothing so very wonderful—just a +good-looking young Guardsman, with eyes shaped like mine, only gray, and +light, curly hair. He must have had "a way with him," as the servants +say.</p> + +<p>At that moment the Duke of Torquilstone came in. Oh, such a sad sight!</p> + +<p>A poor, humpbacked man, with a strong face and head and a soured, +suspicious, cynical expression. He would evidently have been very tall +but for his deformity—a hump stands out on his back almost like Mr. +Punch. He can't be much over forty, but he looks far older; his hair is +quite gray.</p> + +<p>Not a line or an expression in him reminded me of Lord Robert, I am glad +to say.</p> + +<p>Lady Merrenden introduced us, and Lord Merrenden came in then, too, and +we all went down to luncheon.</p> + +<p>It was a rather small table, so we were all near one another and could +talk.</p> + +<p>The dining-room is immense.</p> + +<p>"I always have this little table when we are such a small party," Lady +Merrenden said. "It is more cosey, and one does not feel so isolated."</p> + +<p>How I agreed with her!</p> + +<p>The duke looked at me searchingly, often, with his shrewd little eyes. +One could not say if it was with approval or disapproval.</p> + +<p>Lord Merrenden talked about politics and the questions of the day. He +has a courteous manner, and all their voices are soft and refined. And +nothing could have been more smooth and silent than the service.</p> + +<p>The luncheon was very simple and very good, but not half the number of +rich dishes like at Branches, or Lady Ver's. There was only one bowl of +violets on the table, but the bowl was gold, and a beautiful shape, and +the violets nearly as big as pansies. My eyes wandered to the +pictures—Gainsborough's and Reynolds's and Romney's—of stately men and +women.</p> + +<p>"You met my other nephew, Lord Robert, did you not?" Lady Merrenden +said, presently. "He told me he had gone to Branches, where I believe +you lived."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said, and—oh, it is too humiliating to write!—I felt my +cheeks get crimson at the mention of Lord Robert's name. What could she +have thought? Can anything be so young-ladylike and ridiculous!</p> + +<p>"He came to the opera with us the night before last," I continued. "Mr. +Carruthers had a box, and Lady Verningham and I went with them." Then, +recollecting how odd this must sound in my deep mourning, I added, "I am +so fond of music."</p> + +<p>"So is Robert," she said. "I am sure he must have been pleased to meet a +kindred spirit there."</p> + +<p>Sweet, charming, kind lady! If she only knew what emotions were really +agitating us in that box that night! I fear the actual love of music was +the least of them.</p> + +<p>The duke, during this conversation and from the beginning mention of +Lord Robert's name, never took his eyes off my face—it was very +disconcerting; his look was clearer now, and it was certainly +disapproving.</p> + +<p>We had coffee up-stairs, out of such exquisite Dresden cups, and then +Lord Merrenden showed me some miniatures. Finally it happened that the +duke and I were left alone for a minute looking out of a window onto the +Mall.</p> + +<p>His eyes pierced me through and through. Well, at all events, my nose +and my ears and my wrists are as fine as Lady Merrenden's—poor mamma's +odd mother does not show in me on the outside, thank goodness! He did +not say much, only commonplaces about the view. I felt afraid of him, +and rather depressed. I am sure he dislikes me.</p> + +<p>"May I not drive you somewhere?" my kind hostess said. "Or, if you have +nowhere in particular to go, will you come with me?"</p> + +<p>I said I should be delighted. An ache of loneliness was creeping over +me. I wanted to put off as long as possible getting back to the hotel. I +wanted to distract my thoughts from dwelling upon to-morrow and what I +was going to say to Christopher. To-morrow—that seems the end of the +world!</p> + +<p>She has beautiful horses, Lady Merrenden, and the whole turn-out, except +she herself, is as smart as can be. She really looks a little frumpish +out-of-doors, and perhaps that is why papa went on to Mrs. Carruthers. +Goodness and dearness like this do not suit male creatures as well as +caprice, it seems.</p> + +<p>She was so good to me, and talked in the nicest way. I quite forgot I +was a homeless wanderer, and arrived at Claridge's about half-past four +in almost good spirits.</p> + +<p>"You won't forget I am to be one of your friends," Lady Merrenden said, +as I bid her good-bye.</p> + +<p>"Indeed I won't," I replied, and she drove off, smiling at me.</p> + +<p>I do wonder what she will think of my marriage with Christopher.</p> + +<p>Now it is night. I have had a miserable, lonely dinner in my +sitting-room. Véronique has been most gracious and coddling—she feels +Mr. Carruthers in the air, I suppose—and so I must go to bed.</p> + +<p>Oh, why am I not happy, and why don't I think this is a delightful and +unusual situation, as I once would have done? I only feel depressed and +miserable, and as if I wished Christopher at the bottom of the sea. I +have told myself how good-looking he is, and how he attracted me at +Branches, but that was before—Yes, I may as well write what I was going +to—before Lord Robert arrived. Well, he and Lady Ver are talking +together on a nice sofa by now, I suppose, in a big, well-lit +drawing-room, and—Oh, I <i>wish</i>, I <i>wish</i> I had never made any bargain +with her—perhaps, now, in that case—Ah, well——</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Sunday_afternoon" id="Sunday_afternoon"></a> +Sunday afternoon. +</h1> + + +<p>No, I can't bear it. All the morning I have been in a fever, first hot +and then cold. What will it be like? Oh, I shall faint when he kisses +me. And I know he will be dreadful like that; I have seen it in his eye. +He will eat me up. Oh, I am sure I shall hate it. No man has ever kissed +me in my life, and I can't judge, but I am sure it is +frightful—unless—I feel as if I shall go crazy if I stay here any +longer. I can't—I can't stop and wait and face it. I must have some +air first. There is a misty fog. I would like to go out and get lost in +it, and I <i>will</i>, too! Not get lost, perhaps, but go out in it, and +alone. I won't have even Véronique. I shall go by myself into the park. +It is growing nearly dark, though only three o'clock. I have got an +hour. It looks mysterious, and will soothe me, and suit my mood, and +then, when I come in again, I shall perhaps be able to bear it bravely, +kisses and all.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Claridges1" id="Claridges1"></a>Claridge's,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Sunday evening,</span> November 27th.</span> +</h1> + +<p>I have a great deal to write, and yet it is only a few hours since I +shut up this book and replaced the key on my bracelet.</p> + +<p>By a quarter-past three I was making my way through Grosvenor Square. +Everything was misty and blurred, but not actually a thick fog—or any +chance of being lost. By the time I got into the park it had lifted a +little. It seemed close and warm, and as I went on I got more depressed. +I have never been out alone before—that in itself seemed strange, and +ought to have amused me.</p> + +<p>The image of Christopher kept floating in front of me; his face seemed +to have the expression of a satyr. Well, at all events, he would never +be able to break my heart like "Alicia Verney's"—nothing could ever +make me care for him. I tried to think of all the good I was going to +get out of the affair, and how really fond I was of Branches.</p> + +<p>I walked very fast; people loomed at me, and then disappeared in the +mist. It was getting almost dusk, and suddenly I felt tired and sat +down on a bench.</p> + +<p>I had wandered into a side path where there were no chairs. On the bench +before mine I saw, as I passed, a tramp huddled up. I wondered what his +thoughts were, and if he felt any more miserable than I did. I dare say +I was crouching in a depressed position, too.</p> + +<p>Not many people went by, and every moment it grew darker. In all my +life, even on the days when Mrs. Carruthers taunted me about mamma being +nobody, I have never felt so wretched. Tears kept rising in my eyes, and +I did not even worry to blink them away. Who would see me, and who in +the world would care if they did see?</p> + +<p>Suddenly I was conscious that a very perfect figure was coming out of +the mist towards me, but not until he was close to me, and stopping, +with a start, peered into my face, did I recognize it was Lord Robert.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline!" he exclaimed, in a voice of consternation. "I—what, oh! +what is the matter?"</p> + +<p>No wonder he was surprised. Why he had not taken me for some tramp, too, +and passed on, I don't know.</p> + +<p>"Nothing," I said, as well as I could, and tried to tilt my hat over my +eyes. I had no veil on, unfortunately.</p> + +<p>"I have just been for a walk. Why do you call me Evangeline and why are +you not in Northumberland?"</p> + +<p>He looked so tall and beautiful, and his face had no expression of +contempt or anger now, only distress and sympathy.</p> + +<p>"I was suddenly put on guard yesterday, and could not get leave. I am +going to-morrow," he said, not answering the first part, "but, oh, I +can't bear to see you sitting here alone and looking so, so miserable. +Mayn't I take you home? You will catch cold in the damp."</p> + +<p>"Oh no, not yet. I won't go back yet," I said, hardly realizing what I +was saying. He sat down beside me and slipped his hand into my muff, +pressing my clasped fingers, the gentlest, friendliest caress a child +might have made in sympathy. It touched some foolish chord in my nature, +some want of self-control inherited from mamma's ordinary mother, I +suppose; anyway the tears poured down my face. I could not help it. Oh, +the shame of it! To sit crying in the park, in front of Lord Robert, of +all people in the world, too!</p> + +<p>"Dear, dear little girl," he said, "tell me about it," and he held my +hand in my muff with his strong, warm hand.</p> + +<p>"I—I have nothing to tell," I said, choking down a sob. "I am ashamed +for you to see me like this, only—I am feeling so very miserable."</p> + +<p>"Dear child!" he said. "Well, you are not to be—I won't have it. Has +some one been unkind to you? Tell me, tell me." His voice was trembling +with distress.</p> + +<p>"It's—it's nothing," I mumbled.</p> + +<p>I dared not look at him, I knew his eyebrows would be up in that way +that attracts me so dreadfully.</p> + +<p>"Listen," he whispered almost, and bent over me. "I want you to be +friends with me so that I can help you. I want you to go back to the +time we packed your books together. God knows what has come between us +since—it is not of my doing. But I want to take care of you, dear +little girl, to-day. It—oh, it hurts me so to see you crying here!"</p> + +<p>"I—would like to be friends," I said. "I never wanted to be anything +else, but I could not help it, and I can't now."</p> + +<p>"Won't you tell me the reason?" he pleaded. "You have made me so +dreadfully unhappy about it. I thought all sorts of things. You know I +am a jealous beast."</p> + +<p>There can't in the world be another voice as engaging as Lord Robert's, +and he has a trick of pronouncing words that is too attractive; and the +way his mouth goes when he is speaking, showing his perfectly chiselled +lips under the little mustache! There is no use pretending. I was +sitting there on the bench going through thrills of emotion and longing +for him to take me in his arms. It is too frightful to think of. I must +be bad, after all.</p> + +<p>"Now you are going to tell me everything about it," he commanded. "To +begin with: what made you suddenly change at Trylands after the first +afternoon—and then, what is it that makes you so unhappy now?"</p> + +<p>"I can't tell you either," I said, very low. I hoped the common +grandmother would not take me as far as doing mean tricks to Lady Ver.</p> + +<p>"Oh, you have made me wild!" he exclaimed, letting go my hand and +leaning both elbows on his knees, while he pushed his hat to the back of +his head—"perfectly mad with fury and jealousy! That brute Malcolm! And +then looking at Campion at dinner, and, worst of all, Christopher in the +box at 'Carmen'! Wicked, naughty little thing! And yet underneath I have +a feeling it is for some absurd reason, and not for sheer devilment. If +I thought that, I would soon get not to care. I did think it at +'Carmen.'"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I know," I said.</p> + +<p>"You know what?" he looked up, startled; then he took my hand again and +sat close to me.</p> + +<p>"Oh, please, please don't, Lord Robert!" I said.</p> + +<p>It really made me quiver so with the loveliest feeling I have ever +known, that I knew I should never be able to keep my head if he went on.</p> + +<p>"Please, please don't hold my hand," I said. "It—it makes me not able +to behave nicely."</p> + +<p>"Darling," he whispered, "then it shows that you like me, and I sha'n't +let go until you tell me every little bit."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I can't, I can't!" I felt too tortured, and yet, waves of joy were +rushing over me. That <i>is</i> a word, "darling," for giving feelings down +the back.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline," he said, quite sternly, "will you answer this question, +then: Do you like me, or do you hate me? Because, as you must know very +well, I love you."</p> + +<p>Oh, the wild joy of hearing him say that! What in the world did anything +else matter? For a moment there was a singing in my ears, and I forgot +everything but our two selves. Then the picture of Christopher waiting +for me, with his cold cynic's face and eyes blazing with passion, rushed +into my vision, and the duke's critical, suspicious, disapproving +scrutiny, and I felt as if a cry of pain, like a wounded animal, escaped +me.</p> + +<p>"Darling, darling, what is it? Did I hurt your dear little hand?" Lord +Robert exclaimed, tenderly.</p> + +<p>"No," I whispered, brokenly; "but I cannot listen to you. I am going +back to Claridge's now, and I am going to marry Mr. Carruthers."</p> + +<p>He dropped my hand as if it stung him.</p> + +<p>"Good God! Then it is true," was all he said.</p> + +<p>In fear I glanced at him, his face looked gray in the quickly gathering +mist.</p> + +<p>"Oh, Robert!" I said, in anguish, unable to help myself. "It isn't +because I want to. I—I—oh, probably I love you, but I must; there is +nothing else to be done."</p> + +<p>"Isn't there?" he said, all the life and joy coming back to his face. +"Do you think I will let Christopher, or any other man in the world have +you, now that you have confessed that?" and, fortunately, there was no +one in sight, because he put his arms round my neck and drew me close +and kissed my lips.</p> + +<p>Oh, what nonsense people talk of heaven! Sitting on clouds and singing +psalms and things like that! There can't be any heaven half so lovely as +being kissed by Robert. I felt quite giddy with happiness for several +exquisite seconds, then I woke up. It was all absolutely impossible, I +knew, and I must keep my head.</p> + +<p>"Now you belong to me," he said, letting his arm slip down to my waist, +"so you must begin at the beginning, and tell me everything."</p> + +<p>"No, no," I said, struggling feebly to free myself, and feeling so glad +he held me tight. "It is impossible, all the same, and that only makes +it harder. Christopher is coming to see me at four, and I promised Lady +Ver I would not be a fool, and would marry him."</p> + +<p>"A fig for Lady Ver," he said, calmly. "If that is all, you leave her to +me—she never argues with me."</p> + +<p>"It is not only that; I—I promised I would never play with you."</p> + +<p>"And you certainly never shall," he said, and I could see a look in his +eye as he purposely misconstrued my words, and then he deliberately +kissed me again. Oh, I like it better than anything else in the world! +How could any one keep their head with Robert quite close, making love +like that?</p> + +<p>"You certainly never—never—shall," he said again, with a kiss between +each word. "I will take care of that. Your time of playing with people +is over, <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span>. When you are married to me, I shall fight with +any one who dares to look at you."</p> + +<p>"But I shall never be married to you, Robert," I said, though as I could +only be happy for such a few moments I did not think it necessary to +move away out of his arms. How thankful I was to the fog! and no one +passing! I shall always adore fogs.</p> + +<p>"Yes, you will," he announced, with perfect certainty, "in about a +fortnight, I should think. I can't and won't have you staying at +Claridge's by yourself. I shall take you back this afternoon to Aunt +Sophia. Only all that we can settle presently; now for the moment I want +you to tell me you love me, and that you are sorry for being such a +little brute all this time."</p> + +<p>"I did not know it until just now, but I think—I probably do love +you—Robert," I said.</p> + +<p>He was holding my hand in my muff again, the other arm round my waist. +Absolutely disgraceful behavior in the park. We might have been Susan +Jane and Thomas Augustus, and yet I was perfectly happy, and felt it was +the only natural way to sit.</p> + +<p>A figure appeared in the distance—we started apart.</p> + +<p>"Oh, really, really—" I gasped—"we—— you—must be different."</p> + +<p>He leaned back and laughed.</p> + +<p>"You sweet darling! Well, come, we will go for a drive in a hansom; we +will choose one without a light inside. Albert Gate is quite +close—come!" and he rose, and taking my arm, not offering his to me, +like in books, he drew me on down the path.</p> + +<p>I am sure any one would be terribly shocked to read what I have written, +but not so much if they knew Robert, and how utterly adorable he is, and +how masterful, and simple, and direct. He does not split straws or bandy +words. I had made the admission that I loved him, and that was enough to +go upon.</p> + +<p>As we walked along I tried to tell him it was impossible, that I must go +back to Christopher, that Lady Ver would think I had broken my word +about it. I did not, of course, tell him of her bargain with me over +him, but he probably guessed that, because before we got into the hansom +even, he had begun to put me through a searching cross-examination as to +the reasons for my behavior at Tryland, and Park Street, and the opera. +I felt like a child with a strong man, and every moment more idiotically +happy and in love with him.</p> + +<p>He told the cabman to drive to Hammersmith, and then put his arm round +my waist again, and held my hand, pulling my glove off backward first. +It is a great, big, granny muff of sable I have, Mrs. Carruthers's +present on my last birthday. I never thought then to what charming use +it would be put.</p> + +<p>"Now I think we have demolished all your silly little reasons for making +me miserable," he said. "What others have you to bring forward as to why +you can't marry me in a fortnight?"</p> + +<p>I was silent—I did not know how to say it—the principal reason of all.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline, darling," he pleaded. "Oh, why will you make us both +unhappy? Tell me, at least."</p> + +<p>"Your brother, the duke," I said, very low. "He will never consent to +your marrying a person like me, with no relations."</p> + +<p>He was silent for a second, then: "My brother is an awfully good +fellow," he said; "but his mind is warped by his infirmity. You must not +think hardly of him; he will love you directly he sees you, like every +one else."</p> + +<p>"I saw him yesterday," I said.</p> + +<p>Robert was so astonished.</p> + +<p>"Where did you see him?" he asked.</p> + +<p>Then I told him about meeting Lady Merrenden, and her asking me to +luncheon, and about her having been in love with papa, and about the +duke having looked me through and through with an expression of dislike.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I see it all," said Robert, holding me closer. "Aunt Sophia and I +are great friends, you know; she has always been like my mother, who +died when I was a baby. I told her all about you when I came from +Branches, and how I had fallen deeply in love with you at first sight, +and that she must help me to see you at Tryland; and she did, and then I +thought you had grown to dislike me, so when I came back she guessed I +was unhappy about something, and this is her first step to find out how +she can do me a good turn. Oh, she is a dear!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, indeed, she is," I said.</p> + +<p>"Of course she is extra interested in you if she was in love with your +father. So that is all right, darling; she must know all about your +family, and can tell Torquilstone. Why, we have nothing to fear!"</p> + +<p>"Oh yes, we have," I said. "I know all the story of what your brother is +<i lang="fr">toqué</i> about. Lady Ver told me. You see, the awkward part is mamma was +really nobody; her father and mother forgot to get married, and although +mamma was lovely and had been beautifully brought up by two old ladies +at Brighton, it was a disgrace for papa marrying her. Mrs. Carruthers +has often taunted me with this."</p> + +<p>"Darling!" he interrupted, and began to kiss me again, and that gave me +such feeling I could not collect my thoughts to go on with what I was +saying for a few minutes. We both were rather silly, if it is silly to +be madly, wildly happy, and oblivious of everything else.</p> + +<p>"I will go straight to Aunt Sophia now, when I take you back to +Claridge's," he said, presently, when we had got a little calmer.</p> + +<p>I wonder what kisses do that it makes one have that perfectly lovely +sensation down the back, just like certain music does, only much, much +more so. I thought they would be dreadful things when it was a question +of Christopher, but Robert! Oh, well, as I said before, I can't think of +any other heaven.</p> + +<p>"What time is it?" I had sense enough to ask presently.</p> + +<p>He lit a match and looked at his watch.</p> + +<p>"Ten minutes past five," he exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"And Christopher was coming about four," I said; "and if you had not +chanced to meet me in the park by now I should have been engaged to him, +and probably trying to bear his kissing me."</p> + +<p>"My God!" said Robert, fiercely; "it makes me rave to think of it," and +he held me so tight for a moment I could hardly breathe.</p> + +<p>"You won't have any one else's kisses ever again in this world, and that +I tell you," he said, through his teeth.</p> + +<p>"I—I don't want them," I whispered creeping closer to him. "And I never +have had any, never any one but you, Robert."</p> + +<p>"Darling," he said, "how that pleases me!"</p> + +<p>Of course, if I wanted to I could go on writing pages and pages of all +the lovely things we said to each other, but it would sound, even to +read to myself, such nonsense that I can't, and I couldn't make the tone +of Robert's voice, or the exquisite fascination of his ways—tender, and +adoring, and masterful. It must all stay in my heart, but oh! it is as +if a fairy with a wand had passed and said "bloom" to a winter tree. +Numbers of emotions that I had never dreamed about were surging through +me—the floodgates of everything in my soul seemed opening in one rush +of love and joy. While we were together nothing appeared to matter, all +barriers melted away.</p> + +<p>Fate would be sure to be kind to lovers like us.</p> + +<p>We got back to Claridge's about six, and Robert would not let me go up +to my sitting-room until he had found out if Christopher had gone.</p> + +<p>Yes, he had come at four, we discovered, and had waited twenty minutes, +and then left, saying he would come again at half-past six.</p> + +<p>"Then you will write him a note, and give it to the porter for him, +saying you are engaged to me and can't see him," Robert said.</p> + +<p>"No, I won't do that. I am not engaged to you, and cannot be until your +family consent and are nice to me," I said.</p> + +<p>"Darling!" he faltered, and his voice trembled with emotion. "Darling, +love is between you and me—it is our lives. However, that can go. The +ways of my family—nothing shall ever separate you from me or me from +you, I swear it! Write to Christopher."</p> + +<p>I sat down at a table in the hall and wrote:</p> + +<div class="letter"> +<span class="smcap">"Dear Mr. Carruthers</span>,— + +<p>"I am sorry I was out."</p> +</div> +<p>then I bit the end of my pen.</p> +<div class="letter"> +<p>"Don't come and see me this evening. I will tell you why +in a day or two.</p> + +<div class="signature1">"Yours sincerely,</div> +<div class="signature2 smcap">"Evangeline Travers."</div> +</div> + +<p>"Will that do?" I said, and I handed it to Robert, while I addressed the +envelope.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he said, and waited while I sealed it up and gave it to the +porter. Then, with a surreptitious squeeze of the hand, he left me to go +to Lady Merrenden.</p> + +<p>I have come up to my little sitting-room a changed being. The whole +world revolves for me upon another axis, and all within the space of +three short hours.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Claridges2" id="Claridges2"></a>Claridge's,<br /> +<span class="subtitle"><span style="font-style: normal;">Sunday night,</span> November 27th.</span> +</h1> + +<p>Late this evening, about eight o'clock, when I had relocked my journal, +I got a note from Robert. I was just going to begin my dinner.</p> + +<p>I tore it open, inside was another; I did not wait to look who from, I +was too eager to read his. I paste it in:</p> + +<div class="letter"> +<div class="smcap ralign">"Carlton House Terrace.</div> +<p class="smcap">"My darling,—</p> + +<p>"I have had a long talk with Aunt Sophia, and she is +everything that is sweet and kind, but she fears Torquilstone +will be a little difficult (<i>I don't care</i>, <i>nothing</i> shall +separate us now). She asks me not to go and see you +again to-night as she thinks it would be better for you that +I should not go to the hotel so late. Darling, read her +note, and you will see how nice she is. I shall come round +to-morrow, the moment the beastly stables are finished, +about twelve o'clock. Oh, take care of yourself! What +a difference to-night and last night! I was feeling horribly +miserable and reckless, and to-night! Well, you can +guess. I am not half good enough for you, darling +beautiful queen, but I think I shall know how to make +you happy. I love you.</p> + + +<div class="signature1">"Good-night my own.</div> +<div class="signature2 smcap">"Robert."</div> + +<p>"Do please send me a tiny line by my servant. I have +told him to wait."</p> +</div> + +<p>I have never had a love-letter before. What lovely things they are. I +felt thrills of delight over bits of it. Of course I see now that I must +have been dreadfully in love with Robert all along, only I did not know +it quite. I fell into a kind of blissful dream, and then I roused myself +up to read Lady Merrenden's. I sha'n't put hers in, too; it fills up too +much, and I can't shut the clasp of my journal. It is a perfectly sweet +little letter, just saying Robert had told her the news, and that she +was prepared to welcome me as her dearest niece, and to do all she could +for us. She hoped I would not think her very tiresome and old-fashioned +suggesting Robert had better not see me again to-night, and, if it would +not inconvenience me, she would herself come round to-morrow morning and +discuss what was best to be done.</p> + +<p>Véronique said Lord Robert's valet was waiting outside the door, so I +flew to my table and began to write. My hand trembled so I made a blot, +and had to tear that sheet up; then I wrote another. Just a little word. +I was frightened; I couldn't say loving things in a letter; I had not +even spoken many to him—yet.</p> + +<p>"I loved your note," I began; "and I think Lady Merrenden is quite +right. I will be here at twelve, and very pleased to see you." I wanted +to say I loved him, and thought twelve o'clock a long way off, but of +course one could not write such things as that, so I ended with just,</p> + +<div class="letter"> +<div class="signature1">"Love from"</div> +<div class="signature2 smcap">"Evangeline."</div> +</div> + +<p>Then I read it over, and it did sound "missish" and silly. However, with +the man waiting there in the passage, and Véronique fussing in and out +of my bedroom, besides the waiters bringing up my dinner, I could not go +tearing up sheets and writing others, it looked so flurried, so it was +put into an envelope. Then, in one of the seconds I was alone, I nipped +off a violet from a bunch on the table and pushed it in, too. I wonder +if he will think it sentimental of me! When I had written the name, I +had not an idea where to address it. His was written from Carlton House +Terrace, but he was evidently not there now, as his servant had brought +it. I felt so nervous and excited, it was too ridiculous—I am very calm +as a rule. I called the man, and asked him where was his lordship now? +I did not like to say I was ignorant of where he lived.</p> + +<p>"His Lordship is at Vavasour House, madam," he said, respectfully, but +with the faintest shade of surprise that I should not know. "His +lordship dines at home this evening with his grace."</p> + +<p>I scribbled a note to Lady Merrenden. I would be delighted to see her in +the morning at whatever time suited her. I would not go out at all, and +I thanked her. It was much easier to write sweet things to her than to +Robert.</p> + +<p>When I was alone I could not eat. Véronique came in to try and persuade +me. I looked so very pale, she said, she feared I had taken cold. She +was in one of her "old-mother" moods, when she drops the third person +sometimes, and calls me "<i lang="fr">mon enfant</i>."</p> + +<p>"Oh, Véronique, I have not got a cold; I am only wildly happy," I said.</p> + +<p>"<span lang="fr">Mademoiselle</span> is doubtless <span lang="fr">fiancée</span> to Mr. Carruthers. <i lang="fr">Oh, mon enfant +adorée</i>," she cried, "<i lang="fr">que je suis contente!</i>"</p> + +<p>"Gracious, no!" I exclaimed. This brought me back to Christopher with a +start. What would he say when he heard?</p> + +<p>"No, Véronique, to some one much nicer—Lord Robert Vavasour."</p> + +<p>Véronique was frightfully interested. Mr. Carruthers she would have +preferred, to me, she admitted, as being more solid, more "<i lang="fr">rangé</i>," +"<i lang="fr">plus à la fin de ses bêtises</i>," but, no doubt, "<span lang="fr">milor</span>" was charming +too, and for certain one day <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> would be duchess. In the +meanwhile what kind of coronet would <span lang="fr">mademoiselle</span> have on her trousseau?</p> + +<p>I was obliged to explain that I should not have any, or any trousseau, +for an indefinite time, as nothing was settled yet. This damped her a +little.</p> + +<p>"<i lang="fr">Un frère de duc, et pas de couronne!</i>" After seven years in England +she was yet unable to understand these strange habitudes, she said.</p> + +<p>She insisted upon putting me to bed directly after dinner, "to be +prettier for <i lang="fr">milor demain</i>!" and then when she had tucked me up, and +was turning out the light in the centre of the room, she looked back. +"<span lang="fr">Mademoiselle</span> is too beautiful like that," she said, as if it slipped +from her. "<i lang="fr">Mon Dieu! il ne s'embêterai pas, le monsieur!</i>"</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Claridges3" id="Claridges3"></a>Claridge's,<br /> +<span class="subtitle">Monday morning.</span> +</h1> + +<p>I wonder how I lived before I met Robert. I wonder what use were the +days. Oh, and I wonder, I wonder, if the duke continues to be obdurate +about me, if I shall ever have the strength of mind to part from him so +as not to spoil his future.</p> + +<p>Such a short time ago—not yet four weeks—since I was still at +Branches, and wondering what made the clock go round, the great, big +clock of life.</p> + +<p>Oh, now I know. It is being in love—frightfully in love, as we are. I +must try and keep my head, though, and remember all the remarks of Lady +Ver about things and men. Fighters all of them, and they must never feel +quite sure. It will be dreadfully difficult to tease Robert, because he +is so direct and simple, but I must try, I suppose. Perhaps being so +very pretty as I am, and having all the male creatures looking at me +with interest, will do, and be enough to keep him worried, and I won't +have to be tiresome myself. I hope so, because I really do love him so +extremely, I would like to let myself go, and be as sweet as I want to.</p> + +<p>I am doing all the things I thought perfectly silly to hear of before. I +kissed his letter, and slept with it on the pillow beside me, and this +morning woke at six, and turned on the electric light to read it again. +The part where the "darlings" come is quite blurry, I see, in +daylight—that is where I kissed most, I know.</p> + +<p>I seem to be numb to everything else. Whether Lady Ver is angry or not +does not bother me. I did play fair. She could not expect me to go on +pretending when Robert had said straight out he loved me. But I am sure +she will be angry, though, and probably rather spiteful about it.</p> + +<p>I will write her the simple truth in a day or two, when we see how +things go. She will guess by Robert not going to Sedgwick.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Claridges4" id="Claridges4"></a>Claridge's,<br /> +<span class="subtitle">Monday afternoon.</span> +</h1> + +<p>At half-past eleven this morning Lady Merrenden came, and the room was +all full of flowers that Robert had sent, bunches and bunches of violets +and gardenias. She kissed me, and held me tight for a moment, and we did +not speak. Then she said, in a voice that trembled a little:</p> + +<p>"Robert is so very dear to me—almost my own child—that I want him to +be happy; and you, too, Evangeline—I may call you that, may not I?"</p> + +<p>I squeezed her hand.</p> + +<p>"You are the echo of my youth, when I, too, knew the wild spring-time of +love. So, dear, I need not tell you that you may count upon my doing +what I can for you both."</p> + +<p>Then we talked and talked.</p> + +<p>"I must admit," she said at last, "that I was prejudiced in your favor +for your dear father's sake, but in any case my opinion of Robert's +judgment is so high, I would have been prepared to find you charming, +even without that. He has the rarest qualities, he is the truest, most +untarnished soul in this world.</p> + +<p>"I don't say," she went on, "that he is not just as the other young men +of his age and class; he is no Galahad, as no one can be with truth who +is human and lives in the world. And I dare say kind friends will tell +you stories of actresses and other diversions, but I who know him tell +you, you have won the best and greatest darling in London."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I am sure of it," I said. "I don't know why he loves me so much, he +has seen me so little; but it began from the very first minute, I think, +with both of us. He is such a nice shape."</p> + +<p>She laughed. Then she asked me if she was right in supposing all these +<i lang="fr">contretemps</i> we had had were the doing of Lady Ver. "You need not +answer, dear," she said. "I know Ianthe. She is in love with Robert +herself; she can't help it; she means no harm, but she often gets these +attacks, and they pass off. I think she is devoted to Sir Charles, +really."</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said.</p> + +<p>"It is a queer world we live in, child," she continued, "and true love +and suitability of character are such a rare combination, but from what +I can judge, you and Robert possess them."</p> + +<p>"Oh, how dear of you to say so!" I exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"You don't think I <i>must</i> be bad, then, because of my coloring?"</p> + +<p>"What a ridiculous idea, you sweet child!" she laughed. "Who has told +you that!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, Mrs. Carruthers always said so—and—and the old gentlemen, +and—even Mr. Carruthers hinted I probably had some odd qualities. But +you do think I shall be able to be fairly good—don't you?"</p> + +<p>She was amused, I could see, but I was serious.</p> + +<p>"I think you probably might have been a little wicked if you had married +a man like Mr. Carruthers," she said, smiling, "but with Robert I am +sure you will be good. He will never leave you a moment, and he will +love you so much you won't have time for anything else."</p> + +<p>"Oh, that is what I shall like—being loved," I said.</p> + +<p>"I think all women like that," she sighed. "We could all of us be good +if the person we love went on being demonstrative. It is the cold, +matter-of-fact devotion that kills love, and makes one want to look +elsewhere to find it again."</p> + +<p>Then we talked of possibilities about the duke. I told her I knew his +<i lang="fr">toquade</i>, and she, of course, was fully acquainted with mamma's +history.</p> + +<p>"I must tell you, dear, I fear he will be difficult," she said. "He is a +strangely prejudiced person, and obstinate to a degree, and he worships +Robert, as we all do."</p> + +<p>I would not ask her if the duke had taken a dislike to me, because I +<i>knew</i> he had.</p> + +<p>"I asked you to meet him on Saturday on purpose," she continued. "I felt +sure your charm would impress him, as it had done me, and as it did my +husband, but I wonder now if it would have been better to wait. He said +after you were gone that you were much too beautiful for the peace of +any family, and he pitied Mr. Carruthers if he married you. I don't mean +to hurt you, child; I am only telling you everything, so that we may +consult how best to act."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I know," I said, and I squeezed her hand again; she does not put +out claws like Lady Ver.</p> + +<p>"How did he know anything about Mr. Carruthers"—I asked—"or me, or +anything?" She looked ashamed.</p> + +<p>"One can never tell how he hears things. He was intensely interested to +meet you, and seemed to be acquainted with more of the affair than I am. +I almost fear he must obtain his information from the servants."</p> + +<p>"Oh, does not that show the housemaid in him? Poor fellow!" I said. "He +can't help it, then, any more than I could help crying yesterday before +Robert in the park. Of course we would neither of us have done these +things if it were not for the <i lang="fr">tache</i> in our backgrounds, only, +fortunately for me, mine wasn't a housemaid, and was one generation +farther back, so I would not be likely to have any of those tricks."</p> + +<p>She leaned back in her chair and laughed. "You quaint, quaint child, +Evangeline," she said.</p> + +<p>Just then it was twelve o'clock, and Robert came in.</p> + +<p>Oh, talk of hearts beating! If mine is going to go on jumping like this +every time Robert enters a room, I shall get a disease in it in less +than a year.</p> + +<p>He looked too intensely attractive. He was not in London clothes; just +serge things, and a guard's tie, and his face was beaming, and his eyes +shining like blue stars.</p> + +<p>We behaved nicely—he only kissed my hand, and Lady Merrenden looked +away at the clock even for that. She has tact.</p> + +<p>"Isn't my Evangeline a darling, Aunt Sophia?" he said. "And don't you +love her red hair?"</p> + +<p>"It is beautiful," said Lady Merrenden.</p> + +<p>"When you leave us alone I am going to pull it all down"; and he +whispered, "Darling, I love you," so close that his lips touched my ear, +while he pretended he was not doing anything. I say, again, Robert has +ways that would charm a stone image.</p> + +<p>"How was Torquilstone last night?" Lady Merrenden asked, "and did you +tell him anything?"</p> + +<p>"Not a word," said Robert. "I wanted to wait and consult you both which +would be best. Shall I go to him at once, or shall he be made to meet my +Evangeline again, and let her fascinate him, as she is bound to do, and +then tell him?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, tell him straight!" I exclaimed, remembering his proclivities about +the servants and that Véronique knows. "Then he cannot ever say we have +deceived him."</p> + +<p>"That is how I feel," said Robert.</p> + +<p>"You take Evangeline to lunch, Aunt Sophia, and I will go back and feed +with him, and tell him, and then come to you after."</p> + +<p>"Yes, that will be best," she said, and it was settled that she should +come in again and fetch me in an hour, when Robert should leave to go to +Vavasour House. He went with her to the lift, and then he came back.</p> + +<p>No—even in this locked book I am not going to write of that hour—it +was too divine. If I had thought just sitting in the park was heaven, I +now know there are degrees of heaven, and that Robert is teaching me up +towards the seventh.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Monday_afternoon" id="Monday_afternoon"></a> +Monday afternoon.<br /> +<span style="font-style: normal;">(Continued.)</span> +</h1> + +<p>I forgot to say a note came from Christopher by this morning's post—it +made me laugh when I read it, then it went out of my head; but when Lady +Merrenden returned for me, and we were more or less sane again—Robert +and I—I thought of it; so apparently did he. "Did you by chance hear +from Christopher, whether he got your note last night or no?" he said.</p> + +<p>I went and fetched it from my bedroom when I put on my hat. Robert read +it aloud:</p> + +<div class="letter"> +<div class="ralign smcap">"Travellers' Club,</div> +<div class="ralign"><i>"Sunday night.</i></div> + +<p>"'<i lang="fr">Souvent femme varie—fol qui se fie!</i>' Hope you +found your variation worth while!</p> + +<div class="signature2">C. C."</div> +</div> + +<p>"What dam cheek!" he said, in his old way. He hasn't used any "ornaments +to conversation" since we have been—oh, I want to say it—engaged!</p> + +<p>Then his eyes flashed. "Christopher had better be careful of himself! +He will have to be answerable to me now."</p> + +<p>"Do be prudent, Evangeline dear," Lady Merrenden said, gayly, "or you +will have Robert breaking the head of every man in the street who even +glances at you. He is frantically jealous."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I know I am," said Robert, rearranging the tie on my blouse with +that air of <i lang="fr">sans gêne</i> and possession that pleases me so.</p> + +<p>I belong to him now, and if my tie isn't as he likes he has a perfect +right to retie it, no matter who is there. That is his attitude—not the +<i>least</i> ceremony or stuff, everything perfectly simple and natural.</p> + +<p>It does make things agreeable. When I was, "Miss Travers" and he "Lord +Robert," he was always respectful and unfamiliar—except that one night +when rage made him pinch my finger. But now that I am <i>his</i> Evangeline +and he is <i>my</i> Robert (thus he explained it to me in our paradise hour), +I am his queen and his darling, but at the same time his possession and +belonging, just the same as his watch or his coat—I adore it—and it +does not make me the least "uppish," as one might have thought.</p> + +<p>"Come, come, children," Lady Merrenden said at last, "we shall all be +late."</p> + +<p>So we started, dropping Robert at Vavasour House on our way. It is a +splendid place, down one of those side streets looking on the Green +Park, and has a small garden that side. I had never been down to the +little square where it is before, but, of course, every one can see its +splendid frontage from St. James's Park, though I had never realized it +was Vavasour House.</p> + +<p>"Good luck!" whispered Lady Merrenden as Robert got out, and then we +drove on.</p> + +<p>Several people were lunching at Carlton House Terrace: cabinet +ministers, and a clever novelist, and the great portrait painter, +besides two or three charming women—one as pretty and smart as Lady +Ver, but the others more ordinary looking, only so well mannered. No +real frumps like the Montgomeries. We had a delightful lunch, and I +tried to talk nicely and do my best to please my dear hostess. When they +had all left I think we both began to feel excited, and long +apprehensively for the arrival of Robert. So we talked of the late +guests.</p> + +<p>"It amuses my husband to see a number of different kinds of people," she +said; "but we had nothing very exciting to-day, I must confess, though +sometimes the authors and authoresses bore me, and they are often very +disappointing—one does not any longer care to read their books after +seeing them."</p> + +<p>I said I could quite believe that.</p> + +<p>"I do not go in for budding geniuses," she continued. "I prefer to wait +until they have arrived, no matter their origin; then they have acquired +a certain outside behavior on the way up, and it does not <i lang="fr">froissé</i> one +so. Merrenden is a great judge of human nature, and variety entertains +him. Left to myself, I fear I should be quite contented with less gifted +people who were simply of one's own world."</p> + +<p>In all her talk one can see her thought and consideration for Lord +Merrenden and his wishes and tastes.</p> + +<p>"I always feel it is so cruel for him, our having no children," she +said. "The earldom becomes extinct, so I must make him as happy as I +can."</p> + +<p>What a dear and just woman!</p> + +<p>At last we spoke of Robert, and she told me stories of his boyhood, +amusing Eton scrapes, and later feats. And how brave and splendid he had +been in the war; and how the people all adored him at Torquilstone; and +of his popularity and influence with them. "You must make him go into +Parliament," she said.</p> + +<p>Then Robert came into the room. Oh, his darling face spoke, there was no +need for words. The duke, one could see, had been obdurate.</p> + +<p>"Well," said Lady Merrenden.</p> + +<p>Robert came straight over to me and took my face in his two hands. +"Darling," he said, "before everything I want you to know I love you +better than anything else in the world, and nothing will make any +difference," and he kissed me deliberately before his aunt. His voice +was so moved, and we all felt a slight lump in our throats I know; then +he stood in front of us, but he held my hand.</p> + +<p>"Torquilstone was horrid, I can see," said Lady Merrenden. "What did he +say, Robert? Tell us everything. Evangeline would wish it too, I am +sure, as well as I."</p> + +<p>Robert looked very pale and stern; one can see how firm his jaw is in +reality, and how steady his dear, blue eyes.</p> + +<p>"I told him I loved Evangeline, whom I understood he had met yesterday, +and that I intended to marry her."</p> + +<p>"And he said?" asked Lady Merrenden, breathless.</p> + +<p>I only held tighter Robert's hand.</p> + +<p>"He swore like a trooper, he thumped his glass down on the table and +smashed it—a disgusting exhibition of temper—I was ashamed of him. +Then he said never, as long as he lived and could prevent it; that he +had heard something of my infatuation, so as I am not given that way he +had made inquiries, and found the family was most unsatisfactory. Then +he had come here yesterday on purpose to see you—darling," turning to +me, "and that he had judged for himself. The girl was a 'devilish +beauty' (his words, not mine), with the naughtiest, provoking eyes, and +a mouth—No, I can't say the rest, it makes me too mad," and Robert's +eyes flashed.</p> + +<p>Lady Merrenden rose from her seat and came and took my other hand. I +felt as if I could not stand too tall and straight.</p> + +<p>"The long and short of it is, he has absolutely refused to have anything +to do with the matter, says I need expect nothing further from him, and +we have parted for good and all."</p> + +<p>"Oh, Robert!" It was almost a cry from Lady Merrenden.</p> + +<p>Robert put his arms round me, and his face changed to radiance.</p> + +<p>"Well, I don't care; what does it matter? A few places and thousands in +the dim future—the loss of them is nothing to me if I only have my +Evangeline now."</p> + +<p>"But, Robert dearest," Lady Merrenden said, "you can't possibly live +without what he allows you—what have you of your own? About eighteen +hundred a year, I suppose, and you know, darling boy, you are often in +debt. Why, he paid five thousand for you as lately as last Easter. Oh, +what is to be done?" and she clasped her hands.</p> + +<p>I felt as if turned to stone. Was all this divine happiness going to +slip from my grasp? Yes, it looked like it, for I could never drag +Robert into poverty and spoil his great future.</p> + +<p>"He can't leave away Torquilstone, and those thousands of profitless +acres," Lady Merrenden went on; "but, unfortunately, all the London +property is at his disposition. Oh, I must go and talk to him!"</p> + +<p>"No," said Robert. "It would not be the least use, and would look as if +we were pleading." His face had fallen to intense sadness as Lady +Merrenden spoke of his money.</p> + +<p>"Darling," he said, in a broken voice. "No, it is true it would not be +fair to make you a beggar. I should be a cad to ask you. We must think +of some way of softening my brother after all."</p> + +<p>Then I spoke.</p> + +<p>"Robert," I said, "if you were only John Smith I would say I would +willingly go and live with you in a cottage, or even in a slum; but you +are not, and I would not for <i>anything in the world</i> drag you down out +of what is your position in life. That would be a poor sort of love. +Oh, my dear," and I clasped tight his hand, "if everything fails, then +we must part and you must forget me."</p> + +<p>He folded me in his arms, and we heard the door shut. Lady Merrenden had +left us alone. Oh, it was anguish and divine bliss at the same time the +next half-hour.</p> + +<p>"I will never forget you, and never in this world will I take another +woman, I swear to God!" he said, at the end of it. "If we must part, +then life is finished for me of all joy."</p> + +<p>"And for me, too, Robert!"</p> + +<p>We said the most passionate vows of love to each other, but I will not +write them here; there is another locked book where I keep them—the +book of my soul.</p> + +<p>"Would it be any good if Colonel Tom Carden went and spoke to him?" I +asked, presently. "He was best man at papa's wedding, and knows all +there is to be known of poor mamma; and do you think that as mamma's +father was Lord de Brandreth—a very old barony I believe it is—oh, can +it make any difference to the children's actual breeding, their parents +not having been through the marriage ceremony? I—I—don't know much of +that sort of things."</p> + +<p>"My sweet," said Robert, and through all our sorrow he smiled and kissed +me—"my sweet, sweet Evangeline."</p> + +<p>"But does the duke know all the details of the history?" I asked, when I +could speak; one can't when one is being kissed.</p> + +<p>"Every little bit, it seems. He says he will not discuss the matter of +that—I must know it is quite enough, as I have always known his views; +but if it was not sufficient, your wild, wicked beauty is. You would not +be faithful to me for a year, he said. I could hardly keep from killing +him when he hurled that at my head."</p> + +<p>I felt my temper rising. How frightfully unjust—how cruel! I went over +and looked in the glass—a big mirror between the windows—drawing +Robert with me.</p> + +<p>"Oh, tell me, tell me, what is it? Am I so very bad looking? It is a +curse, surely, that is upon me."</p> + +<p>"Of course you are not bad looking, my darling!" exclaimed Robert. "You +are perfectly beautiful—a slender, stately, exquisite +tiger-lily—only—only—you don't look cold—and it is just your red +hair, and those fascinating green eyes, and your white, lovely skin and +black eyelashes that, that—Oh, you know, you sweetheart! You don't +look like bread-and-butter, you are utterly desirable, and you would +make any one's heart beat."</p> + +<p>I thought of the night at "Carmen."</p> + +<p>"Yes, I am wicked," I said; "but I never will be again—only just enough +to make you always love me, because Lady Ver says security makes yawns. +But even wicked people can love with a great, great love, and that can +keep them good. Oh, if he only knew how utterly I love you, Robert, I am +sure, sure, he would be kind to us!"</p> + +<p>"Well, how shall we tell him?"</p> + +<p>Then a thought came to me, and I felt all over a desperate thrill of +excitement.</p> + +<p>"Will you do nothing until to-morrow?" I said. "I have an idea which I +will tell to no one. Let us go back to Claridge's now, and do not come +and see me again until to-morrow at twelve. Then, if this has failed we +will say good-bye. It is a desperate chance."</p> + +<p>"And you won't tell me what it is?"</p> + +<p>"No. Please trust me; it is my life as well as yours, remember."</p> + +<p>"My queen!" he said. "Yes, I will do that, or anything else you wish, +only <i>never, never</i> good-bye. I am a man, after all, and have numbers of +influential relations. I can do something else in life just be a +Guardsman, and we shall get enough money to live quite happily on, +though we might not be very grand people. I will never say good-bye—do +you hear? Promise me you will never say it, either."</p> + +<p>I was silent.</p> + +<p>"Evangeline, darling!" he cried in anguish, his eyebrows right up in the +old way, while two big tears welled up in his beautiful eyes. "My God! +won't you answer me?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I will," I said, and I threw all my reserve to the winds, and +flung my arms round his neck, passionately.</p> + +<p>"I love you with my heart and soul, and pray to God we shall never say +good-bye."</p> + +<p>When I got back to Claridge's, for the first time in my life I felt a +little faint. Lady Merrenden had driven me back herself, and left me +with every assurance of her devotion and affection for us. I had said +good-bye to Robert for the day at Carlton House Terrace.</p> + +<p>They do not yet know me, either of them, quite; or what I can and will +do.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Claridges5" id="Claridges5"></a>Claridge's,<br /> +<span class="subtitle">Monday night.</span> +</h1> + +<p>I felt to carry out my plan I must steady my mind a little, so I wrote +my journal, and that calmed me.</p> + +<p>Of all the things I was sure of in the world, I was most sure that I +loved Robert far too well to injure his prospects. On the other hand, to +throw him away without a struggle was too cruel to both of us. If +mamma's mother was nobody, all the rest of my family were fine old +fighters and gentlemen, and I really prayed to their shades to help me +now.</p> + +<p>Then I rang and ordered some iced water, and when I had thought deeply +for a few minutes while I sipped it, I sat down to my writing-table. My +hand did not shake, though I felt at a deadly tension. I addressed the +envelope first, to steady myself:</p> + + +<div class="letter"> +"To<br /> +<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"His Grace</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"The Duke of Torquilstone,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">"Vavasour House,</span><br /> +<span style="margin-left: 4em;">"St. James's, S.W.</span><br /> + +</div> + +<p>Then I put that aside.</p> + +<div class="letter"> +<p>"I am Evangeline Travers who writes,"</p> +</div> +<p>I began, without any preface;</p> +<div class="letter"> +<p>"and I ask if you will see me—either here in my sitting-room this +evening, or I will come to you at Vavasour House. I understand your +brother, Lord Robert, has told you that he loves me and wishes to marry +me, and that you have refused your consent, partly because of the history +of my family, but chiefly because my type displeases you. I believe, in +days gone by, the prerogative of a great noble like you was to dispense +justice. In my case it is still your prerogative by courtesy, and I ask it +of you. When we have talked for a little, if you then hold to your opinion +of me, and <i>convince me</i> that it is for your brother's happiness, I swear +to you on my word of honor I will never see him again.</p> + +<div class="signature1">"Believe me,</div> +<div class="signature2">"Yours faithfully,</div> +<div class="signature3 smcap">"Evangeline Travers."</div> +</div> + +<p>I put it hastily in the envelope and fastened it up. Then I rang the +bell, and had it sent by a messenger in a cab, who was to wait for an +answer. Oh, I wonder if in life I shall ever have to go through another +twenty-five minutes like those that passed before the waiter brought a +note up to me in reply.</p> + +<p>Even if the journal won't shut I must put it in:</p> + + +<div class="letter"> +<div class="ralign smcap">"Vavasour House, St. James's,</div> +<div class="ralign">"<i>November 28th.</i></div> + +<p class="smcap">"Dear Madam,—</p> + +<p>"I have received your letter, and request you to excuse +my calling upon you at your hotel this evening, as I am +unwell; but if you will do me the honor to come to +Vavasour House on receipt of this, I will discuss the +matter in question with you, and trust you will believe +that you may rely upon my <i>justice</i>.</p> + +<div class="signature1">"I remain, madam,</div> +<div class="signature2">"Yours truly,</div> +<div class="signature3 smcap">"Torquilstone."</div> +</div> + + +<p>"His grace's brougham is waiting below for you, madam," the waiter said, +and I flew to Véronique.</p> + +<p>I got her to dress me quickly. I wore the same things, exactly, as he +had seen me in before—deep mourning they are, and extremely becoming.</p> + +<p>In about ten minutes Véronique and I were seated in the brougham and +rolling on our way. I did not speak.</p> + +<p>I was evidently expected, for as the carriage stopped the great doors +flew open and I could see into the dim and splendid hall.</p> + +<p>A silver-haired, stately old servant led me along through a row of +powdered footmen, down a passage all dimly lit with heavily shaded +lights. (Véronique was left to their mercies.) Then the old man opened a +door, and without announcing my name, merely, "The lady, your grace," he +held the door, and then went out and closed it softly.</p> + +<p>It was a huge room splendidly panelled with dark, carved <i lang="fr">boiserie</i> +Louis XV., the most beautiful of its kind I had ever seen—only it was +so dimly lit with the same shaded lamps one could hardly see into the +corners.</p> + +<p>The duke was crouching in a chair and looked fearfully pale and ill, and +had an inscrutable expression on his face. Fancy a man so old-looking, +and crippled, being even Robert's half-brother.</p> + +<p>I came forward—he rose with difficulty, and this is the conversation we +had.</p> + +<p>"Please don't get up," I said. "If I may sit down opposite you."</p> + +<p>"Excuse my want of politeness," he said, pointing to a chair; "but my +back is causing me great pain to-day."</p> + +<p>He looked such a poor, miserable, soured, unhappy creature, I could not +help being touched.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I am so sorry!" I said. "If I had known you were ill I would not +have troubled you now."</p> + +<p>"Justice had better not wait," he replied, with a whimsical, cynical, +sour smile. "State your case."</p> + +<p>Then he suddenly turned on an electric lamp near me, which made a blaze +of light in my face. I did not jump, I am glad to say; I have pretty +good nerves.</p> + +<p>"My case is this: To begin with, I love your brother better than +anything else in the world."</p> + +<p>"Possibly—a number of women have done so," he interrupted. "Well?"</p> + +<p>"And he loves me," I continued, not noticing the interruption.</p> + +<p>"Agreed. It is a situation that happens every day among young fools. You +have known each other about a month, I believe."</p> + +<p>"Under four weeks," I corrected.</p> + +<p>He laughed—bitterly.</p> + +<p>"It cannot be of such vital importance to you, then, in that short +time."</p> + +<p>"It is of vital importance to me, and you know your brother's character; +you will be able to judge as well as I if, or not, it is a matter of +vital importance to him."</p> + +<p>He frowned. "Well, your case?"</p> + +<p>"First, to demand on what grounds you condemned me as a 'devilish +beauty'? And why you assume that I should not be faithful to Robert for +a year?"</p> + +<p>"I am a rather good judge of character," he said.</p> + +<p>"You cannot be, or you would see that whatever accident makes me have +this objectionable outside, the me that lives within is an honest person +who never breaks her word."</p> + +<p>"I can only see red hair, and green eyes, and a general look of the +devil."</p> + +<p>"Would you wish people always to judge by appearances, then?" I said; +"because, if so, I see before me a prejudiced, narrow-minded, +cruel-tempered, cynical man—jealous of youth's joys. But <i>I</i> would not +be so unjust as to stamp you with these qualities because of that!"</p> + +<p>He looked straight at me, startled. "I may be all these things," he +said. "You are probably right."</p> + +<p>"Then, oh, please don't be!" I went on quickly. "I want you to be kind +to us. We—oh, we do, do so wish to be happy, and we are both so young, +and life will be so utterly blank and worthless for all those years to +the end if you part us now."</p> + +<p>"I did not say I would part you," he said, coldly. "I merely said I +refused to give Robert any allowance, and I shall leave everything in my +power away from the title. If you like to get married on those terms you +are welcome to."</p> + +<p>Then I told him that I loved Robert far too much to like the thought of +spoiling his future.</p> + +<p>"We came into each other's lives," I said. "We did not ask it of fate, +she pushed us there, and I tried not to speak to him because I had +promised a friend of mine I would not, as she said she liked him +herself, and it made us both dreadfully unhappy; and every day we +mattered more to each other until yesterday, when I thought he had gone +away for good and I was too miserable for words, we met in the park, and +it was no use pretending any longer. Oh, you <i>can't</i> want to crush out +all joy and life for us, just because I have red hair! It is so horribly +unjust."</p> + +<p>"You beautiful siren!" he said. "You are coaxing me. How you know how to +use your charms and your powers, and what <i>man</i> could resist your +tempting face!"</p> + +<p>I rose in passionate scorn.</p> + +<p>"How dare you say such things to me!" I said. "I would not stoop to coax +you. I will not again ask you for any boon. I only wanted you to do me +the justice of realizing you had made a mistake in my character—to do +your brother the justice of conceding the point that he has some right +to love whom he chooses. But keep your low thoughts to yourself—evil, +cruel man! Robert and I have got something that is better than all your +lands and money—a dear, great love, and I am glad—glad he will not in +the future receive anything that is in your gift. I shall give him the +gift of myself, and we shall do very well without you;" and I walked to +the door, leaving him huddled in the chair.</p> + +<p>Thus ended our talk on justice.</p> + +<p>Never has my head been so up in the air. I am sure had Cleopatra been +dragged to Rome in Augustus's triumph she would not have walked with +more pride and contempt than I through the hall of Vavasour House.</p> + +<p>The old servant was waiting for me, and Véronique, and the brougham.</p> + +<p>"Call a hansom, if you please," I said, and stood there like a statue +while one of the footmen had to run into St. James's Street for it.</p> + +<p>Then we drove away, and I felt my teeth chatter while my cheeks burned. +Oh, what an end to my scheme and my dreams of, perhaps, success!</p> + +<p>But what a beast of a man! What a cruel, warped, miserable creature. I +will not let him separate me from Robert—never, never! He is not worth +it. I will wait for him—my darling—and if he really loves me, some +day we can be happy, and if he does not—but, oh, I need not fear.</p> + +<p>I am still shaking with passion, and shall go to bed. I do not want any +dinner.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1 class="subtitle"><a name="Tuesday_morning_November_29th" id="Tuesday_morning_November_29th"></a> +<span style="font-style: normal;">Tuesday morning,</span> November 29th. +</h1> + + +<p>Véronique would not let me go to bed, she insisted upon my eating, and +then after dinner I sat in an old but lovely wrap of white <span lang="fr">crêpe</span>, and +she brushed out my hair for more than an hour—there is such a +tremendous lot of it, it takes time.</p> + +<p>I sat in front of the sitting-room fire and tried not to think. One does +feel a wretch after a scene like that. At about half-past nine I heard +noises in the passage of people, and with only a preliminary tap Robert +and Lady Merrenden came into the room. I started up, and Véronique +dropped the brush in her astonishment, and then left us alone.</p> + +<p>Both their eyes were shining and excited, and Robert looked crazy with +joy; he seized me in his arms, and kissed me, and kissed me, while Lady +Merrenden said, "You darling Evangeline! you plucky, clever girl! Tell +us all about it!"</p> + +<p>"About what?" I said, as soon as I could speak.</p> + +<p>"How you managed it."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I must kiss her first, Aunt Sophia!" said Robert. "Did you ever see +anything so divinely lovely as she looks with her hair all floating +like this, and it is all mine, every bit of it!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, it is," I said, sadly, "and that is about all of value you will +get."</p> + +<p>"Come and sit down," said Robert, "Evangeline, you darling—and look at +this."</p> + +<p>Upon which he drew from his pocket a note. I saw at once it was the +duke's writing, and I shivered with excitement. He held it before my +eyes.</p> + +<p>"Dear Robert," it began. "I have seen her. I am conquered. She will make +a magnificent duchess. Bring her to lunch to-morrow. Yours, <span class="smcap">Torquilstone.</span>"</p> + +<p>I really felt so intensely moved I could not speak.</p> + +<p>"Oh, tell us, dear child, how did it happen, and what did you do, and +where did you meet!" said Lady Merrenden.</p> + +<p>Robert held my hand.</p> + +<p>Then I tried to tell them as well as I could, and they listened +breathlessly. "I was very rude, I fear," I ended with, "but I was so +angry."</p> + +<p>"It is glorious," said Robert. "But the best part is that you intended +to give me yourself with no prospect of riches. Oh, darling, that is the +best gift of all!"</p> + +<p>"Was it disgustingly selfish of me?" I said. "But when I saw your poor +brother so unhappy-looking, and soured, and unkind, with all his +grandeur, I felt that to us, who know what love means, to be together +was the thing that matters most in all the world."</p> + +<p>Lady Merrenden then said she knew some people staying here who had an +apartment on the first floor, and she would go down and see if they were +visible. She would wait for Robert in the hall, she said, and she kissed +us good-night and gave us her blessing.</p> + +<p>What a dear she is! What a nice pet, to leave us alone!</p> + +<p>Robert and I passed another hour of bliss, and I think we must have got +to the sixth heaven by now—Robert says the seventh is for the end, when +we are married. Well, that will be soon. Oh, I am too happy to write +coherently!</p> + +<p>I did not wake till late this morning, and Véronique came and said my +sitting-room was again full of flowers. The darling Robert is!</p> + +<p>I wrote to Christopher and Lady Ver in bed, as I sipped my chocolate. I +just told Lady Ver the truth, that Robert and I had met by chance and +discovered we loved each other, so I knew she would understand, and I +promised I would not break his heart. Then I thanked her for all her +kindness to me, but I felt sad when I read it over; poor, dear Lady +Ver—how I hope it won't really hurt her, and that she will forgive me!</p> + +<p>To Christopher I said I had found my "variation" worth while, and I +hoped he would come to my wedding some day soon.</p> + +<p>Then I sent Véronique to post them both.</p> + +<p>To-day I am moving to Carlton House Terrace. What a delight that will +be! and in a fortnight—or at best three weeks—Robert says we shall +quietly go and get married, and Colonel Tom Carden can give me away +after all.</p> + +<p>Oh, the joy of the dear, beautiful world, and this sweet, dirty, +entrancing, fog-bound London! I love it all—even the smuts!</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="Carlton_House_Terrace" id="Carlton_House_Terrace"></a>Carlton House Terrace,<br /> +<span class="subtitle">Thursday night.</span> +</h1> + +<p>Robert came to see me at twelve, and he brought me the loveliest, +splendid diamond and emerald ring, and I danced about like a child with +delight over it. He has the most exquisite sentiment, Robert—every +little trifle has some delicate meaning, and he makes me <i>feel</i> and +<i>feel</i>.</p> + +<p>Each hour we spend together we seem to discover some new bit of us which +is just what the other wants. And he is so deliciously jealous and +masterful and—oh, I love him—so there it is!</p> + +<p>I am learning a lot of things, and I am sure there are lots to learn +still.</p> + +<p>At half-past one Lady Merrenden came and fetched us in the barouche, and +off we went to Vavasour House, with what different feelings to last +evening!</p> + +<p>The pompous servants received us in state, and we all three walked on to +the duke's room.</p> + +<p>There he was, still huddled in his chair, but he got up—he is better +to-day.</p> + +<p>Lady Merrenden went over and kissed him.</p> + +<p>"Dear Torquilstone," she said.</p> + +<p>"Morning, Robert," he mumbled, after he had greeted his aunt. "Introduce +me to your fiancée."</p> + +<p>And Robert did, with great ceremony.</p> + +<p>"Now, I won't call you names any more," I said, and I laughed in his +face. He bent down and kissed my forehead.</p> + +<p>"You are a beautiful tiger-cat," he said; "but even a year of you would +be well worth while."</p> + +<p>Upon which Robert glared, and I laughed again, and we all went in to +lunch.</p> + +<p>He is not so bad, the duke, after all.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1><a name="CarltonHouseTerrace1" id="CarltonHouseTerrace1"></a>Carlton House Terrace,<br /> +<span class="subtitle">December 21st.</span> +</h1> + +<p>Oh, it is three weeks since I wrote, but I have been too busy and too +happy for journals. I have been here ever since, getting my trousseau, +and Véronique is becoming used to the fact that I can have no coronet on +my lingerie.</p> + +<p>It is the loveliest thing in the world being engaged to Robert.</p> + +<p>He has ways! Well, even if I really were as bad as I suppose I look, I +could never want any one else. He worships me, and lets me order him +about, and then he orders me about, and that makes me have the loveliest +thrills. And if any one even looks at me in the street—which of course +they always do—he flashes blue fire at them, and I feel—oh, I feel, +all the time!</p> + +<p>Lady Merrenden continues her sweet kindness to us, and her tact is +beyond words, and now I often do what I used to wish to—that is, touch +Robert's eyelashes with the tips of my fingers.</p> + +<p>It is perfectly lovely.</p> + +<p>Oh, what in the world is the good of anything else in life but being +frantically in love as we are!</p> + +<p>It all seems, to look back upon, as if it were like having porridge for +breakfast, and nothing else every day, before I met Robert.</p> + +<p>Perhaps it is because he is going to be very grand in the future, but +every one has discovered I am a beauty, and intelligent. It is much +nicer to be thought that than just to be a red-haired adventuress.</p> + +<p>Lady Katherine, even, has sent me a cairngorm brooch and a cordial +letter. (I should now adorn her circle!)</p> + +<p>But oh, what do they all matter—what does anything matter but Robert! +All day long I know I am learning the meaning of "to dance and to sing +and to laugh and <i>to live</i>."</p> + +<p>The duke and I are great friends. He has ferreted out about mamma's +mother, and it appears she was a Venetian music-mistress of the name of +Tonquini, or something like that, who taught Lord de Brandreth's +sisters—so perhaps Lady Ver was right after all, and far, far back in +some other life I was the friend of a Doge.</p> + +<p>Poor, dear Lady Ver! She has taken it very well after the first spiteful +letter, and now I don't think there is even a tear at the corner of her +eye.</p> + +<p>Lady Merrenden says it is just the time of the year when she usually +gets a new one, so perhaps she has now, and so that is all right.</p> + +<p>The diamond serpent she has given me has emerald eyes—and such a +pointed tongue.</p> + +<p>"It is like you, snake-girl," she said; "so wear it at your wedding."</p> + +<p>The three angels are to be my only bridesmaids.</p> + +<p>Robert loads me with gifts, and the duke is going to let me wear all the +Torquilstone jewels when I am married, besides the emeralds he has given +me himself. I really love him.</p> + +<p>Christopher sent me this characteristic note with the earrings which are +his gift, great big emeralds set with diamonds:</p> + +<div class="letter"> +<p>"So sorry I shall not see you on the happy day, but +Paris, I am fortunate enough to discover, still has joys +for me.</p> + +<div class="signature1">"C. C.</div> + +<p>"Wear them; they will match your eyes."</p> +</div> + + +<p>And to-morrow is my wedding-day, and I am going away on a honeymoon with +Robert—away into the seventh heaven. And oh, and oh, I am certain, +<i>sure</i>, neither of us will yawn!</p> + +<div class="title3"> +THE END +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 337px;"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="337" height="512" alt="Cover of "Red Hair"" title="Cover of "Red Hair"" /> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Red Hair, by Elinor Glyn + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED HAIR *** + +***** This file should be named 17821-h.htm or 17821-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/8/2/17821/ + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Jeroen van Luin and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Red Hair + +Author: Elinor Glyn + +Release Date: February 22, 2006 [EBook #17821] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED HAIR *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Jeroen van Luin and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + The Authors' Press Series + of the Works of + Elinor Glyn + + + + RED HAIR + + + + THE AUTHORS' PRESS, PUBLISHERS + AUBURN, N. Y. + + + Copyright, 1905, by + ELINOR GLYN + + When copyrighted by Elinor Glyn in 1905, + this book was published under the title + "The Vicissitudes of Evangeline." + + + + + + + BRANCHES PARK, + + _November 3._ + + +I wonder so much if it is amusing to be an adventuress, because that is +evidently what I shall become now. I read in a book all about it; it is +being nice looking and having nothing to live on, and getting a pleasant +time out of life--and I intend to do that! I have certainly nothing to +live on, for one cannot count L300 a year; and I am extremely pretty, and +I know it quite well, and how to do my hair, and put on my hats, and those +things--so, of course, I am an adventuress! I was not intended for this +role--in fact, Mrs. Carruthers adopted me on purpose to leave me her +fortune, as at that time she had quarrelled with her heir, who was bound +to get the place. Then she was so inconsequent as not to make a proper +will--thus it is that this creature gets everything, and I nothing! + +I am twenty, and up to the week before last, when Mrs. Carruthers got ill +and died in one day, I had had a fairly decent time at odd moments when +she was in a good temper. + +There is no use pretending even when people are dead, if one is writing +down one's real thoughts. I detested Mrs. Carruthers most of the time. A +person whom it was impossible to please. She had no idea of justice, or of +anything but her own comfort, and what amount of pleasure other people +could contribute to her day. + +How she came to do anything for me at all was because she had been in love +with papa, and when he married poor mamma--a person of no family--and then +died, she offered to take me, and bring me up, just to spite mamma, she +has often told me. As I was only four I had no say in the matter, and if +mamma liked to give me up that was her affair. Mamma's father was a lord, +and her mother I don't know who, and they had not worried to get married, +so that is how it is poor mamma came to have no relations. After papa was +dead, she married an Indian officer and went off to India, and died, too, +and I never saw her any more--so there it is; there is not a soul in the +world who matters to me, or I to them, so I can't help being an +adventuress, and thinking only of myself, can I? + +Mrs. Carruthers periodically quarrelled with all the neighbors, so beyond +frigid calls now and then in a friendly interval, we never saw them much. +Several old, worldly ladies used to come and stay, but I liked none of +them, and I have no young friends. When it is getting dark, and I am up +here alone, I often wonder what it would be like if I had--but I believe I +am the kind of cat that would not have got on with them too nicely--so +perhaps it is just as well. Only, to have had a pretty--aunt, say--to love +one--that might have been nice. + +Mrs. Carruthers had no feelings like this; "stuff and nonsense," +"sentimental rubbish," she would have called them. To get a suitable +husband is what she brought me up for, she said, and for the last years +had arranged that I should marry her detested heir, Christopher +Carruthers, as I should have the money and he the place. + +He is a diplomat, and lives in Paris, and Russia, and amusing places like +that, so he does not often come to England. I have never seen him. He is +quite old--over thirty--and has hair turning gray. + +Now he is master here, and I must leave--unless he proposes to marry me at +our meeting this afternoon, which he probably won't do. + +However, there can be no harm in my making myself look as attractive as +possible under the circumstances. As I am to be an adventuress, I must do +the best I can for myself. Nice feelings are for people who have money to +live as they please. If I had ten thousand a year, or even five, I would +snap my fingers at all men, and say, "No, I make my life as I choose, and +shall cultivate knowledge and books, and indulge in beautiful ideas of +honor and exalted sentiments, and perhaps one day succumb to a noble +passion." (What grand words the thought, even, is making me write!) But as +it is, if Mr. Carruthers asks me to marry him, as he has been told to do +by his aunt, I shall certainly say yes, and so stay on here, and have a +comfortable home. Until I have had this interview it is hardly worth while +packing anything. + +What a mercy black suits me! My skin is ridiculously white. I shall stick +a bunch of violets in my frock--that could not look heartless, I suppose. +But if he asks me if I am sad about Mrs. Carruthers's death, I shall not +be able to tell a lie. + +I am sad, of course, because death is a terrible thing, and to die like +that, saying spiteful things to every one, must be horrid--but I can't, I +can't regret her. Not a day ever passed that she did not sting some part +of me; when I was little, it was not only with her tongue--she used to +pinch me, and box my ears until Dr. Garrison said it might make me deaf, +and then she stopped, because she said deaf people were a bore, and she +could not put up with them. + +I shall not go on looking back. There are numbers of things that even now +make me raging to remember. + +I have only been out for a year. Mrs. Carruthers got an attack of +bronchitis when I was eighteen, just as we were going up to town for the +season, and said she did not feel well enough for the fatigues, and off we +went to Switzerland. And in the autumn we travelled all over the place, +and in the winter she coughed and groaned, and the next season would not +go up until the last court, so I have only had a month of London. The +bronchitis got perfectly well--it was heart-failure that killed her, +brought on by an attack of temper because Thomas broke the Carruthers +vase. I shall not write of her death, or the finding of the will, or the +surprise that I was left nothing but a thousand pounds and a diamond ring. + +Now that I am an adventuress, instead of an heiress, of what good to +chronicle all that! Sufficient to say if Mr. Carruthers does not obey his +orders and offer me his hand this afternoon, I shall have to pack my +trunks and depart by Saturday, but where to is yet in the lap of the gods. + +He is coming by the 3.20 train, and will be in the house before four, an +ugly, dull time; one can't offer him tea, and it will be altogether +trying and exciting. + +He is coming ostensibly to take over his place, I suppose, but in reality +it is to look at me, and see if in any way he will be able to persuade +himself to carry out his aunt's wishes. I wonder what it will be like to +be married to some one you don't know and don't like? I am not greatly +acquainted yet with the ways of men. We have not had any that you could +call that here, much--only a lot of old wicked sort of things, in the +autumn, to shoot the pheasants, and play bridge with Mrs. Carruthers. The +marvel to me was how they ever killed anything, such antiques they were! +Some politicians and ambassadors, and creatures of that sort; and mostly +as wicked as could be. They used to come trotting down the passage to the +school-room, and have tea with mademoiselle and me on the slightest +provocation, and say such things! I am sure lots of what they said meant +something else, mademoiselle used to giggle so. She was rather a +good-looking one I had the last four years, but I hated her. There was +never any one young and human who counted. + +I did look forward to coming out in London, but being so late, every one +was preoccupied when we got there, and no one got in love with me much. +Indeed, we went out very little; a part of the time I had a swollen nose +from a tennis-ball at Ranelagh, and people don't look at girls with +swollen noses. + +I wonder where I shall go and live! Perhaps in Paris--unless, of course, I +marry Mr. Carruthers. I don't suppose it is dull being married. In London +all the married ones seemed to have a lovely time, and had not to bother +with their husbands much. + +Mrs. Carruthers always assured me love was a thing of absolutely no +consequence in marriage. You were bound to love some one some time, but +the very fact of being chained to him would dispel the feeling. It was a +thing to be looked upon like measles, or any other disease, and was better +to get it over and then turn to the solid affairs of life. But how she +expected me to get it over when she never arranged for me to see any one, +I don't know. + +I asked her one day what I should do if I got to like some one after I am +married to Mr. Carruthers, and she laughed one of her horrid laughs, and +said I should probably do as the rest of the world. And what do they do, I +wonder? Well, I suppose I shall find out some day. + +Of course there is the possibility that Christopher (do I like the name of +Christopher, I wonder?)--well, that Christopher may not want to follow her +will. + +He has known about it for years, I suppose, just as I have, but I believe +men are queer creatures, and he may take a dislike to me. I am not a type +that would please every one. My hair is too red--brilliant, dark, fiery +red, like a chestnut when it tumbles out of its shell, only burnished like +metal. If I had the usual white eyelashes I should be downright ugly, but, +thank goodness! by some freak of nature mine are black and thick, and +stick out when you look at me sideways, and I often think when I catch +sight of myself in the glass that I am really very pretty--all put +together--but, as I said before, not a type to please every one. + +A combination I am that Mrs. Carruthers assured me would cause anxieties. +"With that mixture, Evangeline," she often said, "you would do well to +settle yourself in life as soon as possible. Good girls don't have your +coloring." So you see, as I am branded as bad from the beginning, it does +not much matter what I do. My eyes are as green as pale emeralds, and +long, and not going down at the corners with the Madonna expression of +Cicely Parker, the vicar's daughter. I do not know yet what is being good, +or being bad; perhaps I shall find out when I am an adventuress, or +married to Mr. Carruthers. + +All I know is that I want to _live_, and feel the blood rushing through my +veins. I want to do as I please, and not have to be polite when I am +burning with rage. I want to be late in the morning if I happen to fancy +sleeping, and I want to sit up at night if I don't want to go to bed! So, +as you can do what you like when you are married, I really hope Mr. +Carruthers will take a fancy to me, and then all will be well! I shall +stay up-stairs until I hear the carriage wheels, and leave Mr. Barton--the +lawyer--to receive him. Then I shall saunter down nonchalantly while they +are in the hall. It will be an effective entrance. My trailing black +garments, and the great broad stairs--this is a splendid house--and if he +has an eye in his head he must see my foot on each step! Even Mrs. +Carruthers said I have the best foot she had ever seen. I am getting quite +excited--I shall ring for Veronique and begin to dress!... I shall write +more presently. + + + _Thursday evening._ + + +It is evening, and the fire is burning brightly in my sitting-room, where +I am writing. _My_ sitting-room!--did I say? Mr. Carruthers's +sitting-room, I meant--for it is mine no longer, and on Saturday, the day +after to-morrow, I shall have to bid good-bye to it forever. + +For--yes, I may as well say it at once--the affair did not walk; Mr. +Carruthers quietly, but firmly, refused to obey his aunt's will, and thus +I am left an old maid! + +I must go back to this afternoon to make it clear, and I must say my ears +tingle as I think of it. + +I rang for Veronique, and put on my new black afternoon frock, which had +just been unpacked. I tucked in the violets in a careless way, saw that my +hair was curling as vigorously as usual, and not too rebelliously for a +demure appearance, and so, at exactly the right moment, began to descend +the stairs. + +There was Mr. Carruthers in the hall. A horribly nice-looking, tall man, +with a clean-shaven face and features cut out of stone, a square chin, and +a nasty twinkle in the corner of his eye. He has a very distinguished +look, and that air of never having had to worry for his things to fit; +they appear as if they had grown on him. He has a cold, reserved manner, +and something commanding and arrogant in it that makes one want to +contradict him at once; but his voice is charming--one of that cultivated, +refined kind, which sounds as if he spoke a number of languages, and so +does not slur his words. I believe this is diplomatic, for some of the old +ambassador people had this sort of voice. + +He was standing with his back to the fire, and the light of the big window +with the sun getting low was full on his face, so I had a good look at +him. I said in the beginning that there was no use pretending when one is +writing one's own thoughts for one's own self to read when one is old, and +keeping them in a locked-up journal, so I shall always tell the truth +here--quite different things to what I should say if I were talking to +some one and describing to them this scene. Then I should say I found him +utterly unattractive, and, in fact, I hardly noticed him! As it was, I +noticed him very much, and I have a tiresome inward conviction that he +could be very attractive indeed, if he liked. + +He looked up, and I came forward with my best demure air as Mr. Barton +nervously introduced us, and we shook hands. I left him to speak first. + +"Abominably cold day," he said, carelessly. That was English and +promising! + +"Yes, indeed," I said. "You have just arrived?" + +And so we continued in this _banal_ way, with Mr. Barton twirling his +thumbs, and hoping, one could see, that we should soon come to the +business of the day; interposing a remark here and there which added to +the _gene_ of the situation. + +At last Mr. Carruthers said to Mr. Barton that he would go round and see +the house, and I said tea would be ready when they got back. And so they +started. + +My cheeks would burn, and my hands were so cold, it was awkward and +annoying--not half the simple affair I had thought it would be up-stairs. + +When it was quite dark and the lamps were brought, they came back to the +hall, and Mr. Barton, saying he did not want any tea, left us to find +papers in the library. + +I gave Mr. Carruthers some tea, and asked the usual things about sugar and +cream. His eye had almost a look of contempt as he glanced at me, and I +felt an angry throb in my throat. When he had finished he got up and stood +before the fire again. Then, deliberately, as a man who has determined to +do his duty at any cost, he began to speak. + +"You know the wish, or, rather, I should say, the command, my aunt left +me," he said. "In fact, she states that she had always brought you up to +the idea. It is rather a tiresome thing to discuss with a stranger, but +perhaps we had better get it over as soon as possible, as that is what I +came down here to-day for. The command was I should marry you." He paused +a moment. I remained perfectly still, with my hands idly clasped in my +lap, and made myself keep my eyes on his face. + +He continued, finding I did not answer, just a faint tone of resentment +creeping into his voice--because I would not help him out, I suppose. I +should think not! I loved annoying him! + +"It is a preposterous idea in these days for any one to dispose of +people's destinies in this way, and I am sure you will agree with me that +such a marriage would be impossible." + +"Of course I agree," I replied, lying with a tone of careless sincerity. I +had to control all my real feelings of either anger or pleasure for so +long in Mrs. Carruthers's presence that I am now an adept. + +"I am so glad you put it so plainly," I went on, sweetly. "I was wondering +how I should write it to you, but now you are here it is quite easy for +us to finish the matter at once. Whatever Mrs. Carruthers may have +intended me to do, I had no intention of obeying her; but it would have +been useless for me to say so to her, and so I waited until the time for +speech should come. Won't you have some more tea?" + +He looked at me very straightly, almost angrily, for an instant; +presently, with a sigh of relief, he said, half laughing: + +"Then we are agreed; we need say no more about it!" + +"No more," I answered; and I smiled, too, although a rage of anger was +clutching my throat. I do not know who I was angry with--Mrs. Carruthers +for procuring this situation, Christopher for being insensible to my +charms, or myself for ever having contemplated for a second the +possibility of his doing otherwise. Why, when one thinks of it calmly, +should he want to marry me, a penniless adventuress with green eyes and +red hair that he had never seen before in his life? I hoped he thought I +was a person of naturally high color, because my cheeks from the moment I +began to dress had been burning and burning. It might have given him the +idea the scene was causing me some emotion, and that he should never know! + +He took some more tea, but he did not drink it, and by this I guessed +that he also was not as calm as he looked! + +"There is something else," he said--and now there was almost an +awkwardness in his voice--"something else which I want to say, though +perhaps Mr. Barton could say it for me, but which I would rather say +straight to you, and that is, you must let me settle such a sum of money +on you as you had every right to expect from my aunt, after the promises I +understand she always made to you----" + +This time I did not wait for him to finish. I bounded up from my seat, +some uncontrollable sensation of wounded pride throbbing and thrilling +through me. + +"Money! Money from you!" I exclaimed. "Not if I were starving." Then I sat +down again, ashamed of this vehemence. How would he interpret it! But it +galled me so--and yet I had been ready an hour ago to have accepted him as +my husband! Why, then, this revolt at the idea of receiving a fair +substitute in gold? Really, one is a goose, and I had time to realize, +even in this tumult of emotion, that there can be nothing so inconsistent +as the feelings of a girl. + +"You must not be foolish!" he said, coldly. "I intend to settle the money +whether you will or no, so do not make any further trouble about it!" + +There was something in his voice so commanding and arrogant, just as I +noticed at first, that every obstinate quality in my nature rose to answer +him. + +"I do not know anything about the law in the matter; you may settle what +you choose, but I shall never touch any of it," I said, as calmly as I +could. "So it seems ridiculous to waste the money, does it not? You may +not, perhaps, be aware I have enough of my own, and do not in any way +require yours." + +He became colder and more exasperated. + +"As you please, then," he said, snappishly, and Mr. Barton fortunately +entering at that moment, the conversation was cut short, and I left them. + +They are not going back to London until to-morrow morning, and dinner has +yet to be got through. Oh, I do feel in a temper! and I can never tell of +the emotions that were throbbing through me as I came up the great stairs +just now. A sudden awakening to the humiliation of the situation! How had +I ever been able to contemplate marrying a man I did not know, just to +secure myself a comfortable home! It seems preposterous now. I suppose it +was because I have always been brought up to the idea, and, until I came +face to face with the man, it did not strike me as odd. Fortunately he can +never guess that I had been willing to accept him; my dissimulation has +stood me in good stead. Now I am animated by only one idea--to appear as +agreeable and charming to Mr. Carruthers as possible. The aim and object +of my life shall be to make him regret his decision. When I hear him +imploring me to marry him, I shall regain a little of my self-respect! And +as for marriage, I shall have nothing to do with the horrid affair! Oh, +dear, no! I shall go away free and be a happy adventuress. I have read the +_Trois Mousquetaires_ and _Vingt Ans Apres_--mademoiselle had them--and I +remember milady had only three days to get round her jailer, starting with +his hating her; whereas Mr. Carruthers does not hate me, so that counts +against my only having one evening. I shall do my best! + + + _Thursday night._ + + +I was down in the library, innocently reading a book, when Mr. Carruthers +came in. He looked even better in evening dress, but he appeared +ill-tempered, and no doubt found the situation unpleasant. + +"Is not this a beautiful house?" I said, in a velvet voice, to break the +awkward silence, and show him I did not share his unease. "You had not +seen it before, for ages, had you?" + +"Not since I was a boy," he answered, trying to be polite. "My aunt +quarrelled with my father--she was the direct heiress of all this--and +married her cousin, my father's younger brother--but you know the family +history, of course----" + +"Yes." + +"They hated each other, she and my father." + +"Mrs. Carruthers hated all her relations," I said, demurely. + +"Myself among them?" + +"Yes," I said, slowly, and bent forward so that the lamplight should fall +upon my hair. "She said you were too much like herself in character for +you ever to be friends." + +"Is that a compliment?" he asked, and there was a twinkle in his eye. + +"We must speak no ill of the dead," I said, evasively. + +He looked slightly annoyed--as much as these diplomats ever let themselves +look anything. + +"You are right," he said. "Let her rest in peace." + +There was silence for a moment. + +"What are you going to do with your life now?" he asked, presently. It was +a bald question. + +"I shall become an adventuress," I answered, deliberately. + +"A _what_?" he exclaimed, his black eyebrows contracting. + +"An adventuress. Is not that what it is called? A person who sees life, +and has to do the best she can for herself." + +He laughed. "You strange little lady!" he said, his irritation with me +melting. And when he laughs you can see how even his teeth are; but the +two side ones are sharp and pointed, like a wolf's. + +"Perhaps, after all, you had better have married me!" + +"No, that would clip my wings," I said, frankly, looking at him straight +in the face. + +"Mr. Barton tells me you propose leaving here on Saturday. I beg you will +not do so. Please consider it your home for so long as you wish--until +you can make some arrangements for yourself. You look so very young to be +going about the world alone!" + +He bent down and gazed at me closer--there was an odd tone in his voice. + +"I am twenty, and I have been often snubbed," I said, calmly. "That +prepares one for a good deal. I shall enjoy doing what I please." + +"And what are you going to please?" + +"I shall go to Claridge's until I can look about me." + +He moved uneasily. + +"But have you no relations--no one who will take care of you?" + +"I believe none. My mother was nobody particular, you know--a Miss Tonkins +by name." + +"But your father?" He sat down now on the sofa beside me; there was a +puzzled, amused look in his face; perhaps I was amazing him. + +"Papa? Oh, papa was the last of his family. They were decent people, but +there are no more of them." + +He pushed one of the cushions aside. + +"It is an impossible position for a girl--completely alone. I cannot allow +it. I feel responsible for you. After all, it would do very well if you +married me. I am not particularly domestic by nature, and should be very +little at home, so you could live here and have a certain position, and I +would come back now and then and see you were getting on all right." + +One could not say if he was mocking or no. + +"It is too good of you," I said, without any irony. "But I like freedom, +and when you were at home it might be such a bore----" + +He leaned back and laughed merrily. + +"You are candid, at any rate!" he said. + +Mr. Barton came into the room at that moment, full of apologies at being +late. Immediately after, with the usual ceremony, the butler entered and +pompously announced, "Dinner is served, sir." How quickly they recognize +the new master! + +Mr. Carruthers gave me his arm, and we walked slowly down the +picture-gallery to the banqueting-hall, and there sat down at the small, +round table in the middle, that always looks like an island in a lake. + +I talked nicely at dinner. I was dignified and grave, and quite frank. Mr. +Carruthers was not bored. The chef had outdone himself, hoping to be kept +on. I never felt so excited in my life. + +I was apparently asleep under a big lamp, after dinner, in the library, a +book of silly poetry in my lap, when the door opened and he--Mr. +Carruthers--came in alone, and walked up the room. I did not open my +eyes. He looked for just a minute--how accurate I am! Then he said, "You +are very pretty when asleep!" + +His voice was not caressing or complimentary--merely as if the fact had +forced this utterance. + +I allowed myself to wake without a start. + +"Was the '47 port as good as you hoped?" I asked, sympathetically. + +He sat down. I had arranged my chair so that there was none other in its +immediate neighborhood. Thus he was some way off, and could realize my +whole silhouette. + +"The '47 port? Oh yes; but I am not going to talk of port. I want you to +tell me a lot more about yourself, and your plans----" + +"I have no plans--except to see the world." + +He picked up a book and put it down again; he was not perfectly calm. + +"I don't think I shall let you. I am more than ever convinced you ought to +have some one to take care of you--you are not of the type that makes it +altogether safe to roam about alone." + +"Oh! as for my type," I said, languidly, "I know all about that. Mrs. +Carruthers said no one with this combination of color could be good, so I +am not going to try. It will be quite simple." + +He rose quickly from his chair and stood in front of the great log fire, +such a comical expression on his face. + +"You are the quaintest child I have ever met," he said. + +"I am not a child, and I mean to know everything I can." + +He went over towards the sofa again and arranged the cushions--great, +splendid, fat pillows of old Italian brocade, stiff with gold and silver. + +"Come!" he pleaded. "Sit here beside me, and let us talk; you are miles +away there, and I want to--make you see reason." + +I rose at once and came slowly to where he pointed. I settled myself +deliberately. There was one cushion of purple and silver right under the +light, and there I rested my head. + +"Now talk!" I said, and half closed my eyes. + +Oh, I was enjoying myself! The first time I have ever been alone with a +real man! They--the old ambassadors and politicians and generals--used +always to tell me I should grow into an attractive woman--now I meant to +try what I could do. + +Mr. Carruthers remained silent, but he sat down beside me, and looked and +looked right into my eyes. + +"Now talk, then," I said again. + +"Do you know, you are a very disturbing person," he said, at last, by way +of a beginning. + +"What is that?" I asked. + +"It is a woman who confuses one's thoughts when one looks at her. I do not +now seem to have anything to say, or too much----" + +"You called me a child." + +"I should have called you an enigma." + +I assured him I was not the least complex, and that I only wanted +everything simple, and to be left in peace, without having to get married +or worry to obey people. + +We had a nice talk. + +"You won't leave here on Saturday," he said, presently, apropos of +nothing. "I do not think I shall go myself to-morrow. I want you to show +me all over the gardens, and your favorite haunts." + +"To-morrow I shall be busy packing," I said, gravely, "and I do not think +I want to show you the gardens; there are some corners I rather loved; I +believe it will hurt a little to say good-bye." + +Just then Mr. Barton came into the room, fussy and ill at ease. Mr. +Carruthers's face hardened again, and I rose to say good-night. + +As he opened the door for me--"Promise you will come down to give me my +coffee in the morning," he said. + +"Qui vivra verra," I answered, and sauntered out into the hall. He +followed me, and watched as I went up the staircase. + +"Good-night!" I called, softly, as I got to the top, and laughed a +little--I don't know why. + +He bounded up the stairs, three steps at a time, and before I could turn +the handle of my door he stood beside me. + +"I do not know what there is about you," he said, "but you drive me mad. I +shall insist upon carrying out my aunt's wish, after all! I shall marry +you, and never let you out of my sight--do you hear?" + +Oh, such a strange sense of exaltation crept over me--it is with me still! +Of course, he probably will not mean all that to-morrow, but to have made +such a stiff block of stone rush up-stairs and say this much now is +perfectly delightful! + +I looked at him up from under my eyelashes. "No, you will not marry me," I +said, calmly, "or do anything else I don't like; and now, really, +good-night," and I slipped into my room and closed the door. I could hear +he did not stir for some seconds. Then he went off down the stairs again, +and I am alone with my thoughts! + +My thoughts! I wonder what they mean! What did I do that had this effect +upon him? I intended to do something, and I did it, but I am not quite +sure what it was. However, that is of no consequence. Sufficient for me to +know that my self-respect is restored and I can now go out and see the +world with a clear conscience. + +_He_ has asked me to marry him--and _I_ have said I won't! + + + + + BRANCHES PARK,[1] + + Thursday night, _November 3._ + + + DEAR BOB,-- + + A quaint thing has happened to me! Came down here to take over the + place, and to say decidedly I would not marry Miss Travers, and I + find her with red hair and a skin like milk, and a pair of green + eyes that look at you from a forest of black eyelashes with a + thousand unsaid challenges. I should not wonder if I commit some + folly. One has read of women like this in the _cinque-cento_ time in + Italy, but up to now I had never met one. She is not in the room ten + minutes before one feels a sense of unrest, and desire for one + hardly knows what--principally to touch her, I fancy. Good Lord! + what a skin! pure milk and rare roses--and the reddest Cupid's bow + of a mouth! You had better come down at once (these things are + probably in your line) to save me from some sheer idiocy. The + situation is exceptional--she and I practically alone in the house, + for old Barton does not count. She had nowhere to go, and as far as + I can make out has not a friend in the world. I suppose I ought to + leave. I will try to on Monday; but come down to-morrow by the 4.00 + train. + + Yours, + + CHRISTOPHER. + + P. S.--'47 port A1, and two or three brands of the old aunt's + champagne exceptional, Barton says--we can sample them. Shall send + this up by express; you will get it in time for the 4.00 train. + + +[Footnote 1: A letter from Mr. Carruthers which came into Evangeline's +possession later, and which she put into her journal at this +place.--EDITOR'S NOTE.] + + + + + BRANCHES, + + Friday night, _November 4th._ + + +This morning Mr. Carruthers had his coffee alone. Mr. Barton and I +breakfasted quite early, before nine o'clock, and just as I was calling +the dogs in the hall for a run, with my out-door things already on, Mr. +Carruthers came down the great stairs with a frown on his face. + +"Up so early!" he said. "Are you not going to pour out my tea for me, +then?" + +"I thought you said coffee! No, I am going out," and I went on down the +corridor, the wolf-hounds following me. + +"You are not a kind hostess!" he called after me. + +"I am not a hostess at all," I answered back--"only a guest." + +He followed me. "Then you are a very casual guest, not consulting the +pleasure of your host." + +I said nothing. I only looked at him over my shoulder as I went down the +marble steps--looked at him and laughed, as on the night before. + +He turned back into the house without a word, and I did not see him again +until just before luncheon. + +There is something unpleasant about saying good-bye to a place, and I +found I had all sorts of sensations rising in my throat at various points +in my walk. However, all that is ridiculous and must be forgotten. As I +was coming round the corner of the terrace, a great gust of wind nearly +blew me into Mr. Carruthers's arms. Odious weather we are having this +autumn! + +"Where have you been all the morning?" he said, when we had recovered +ourselves a little. "I have searched for you all over the place." + +"You do not know it all yet, or you would have found me," I said, +pretending to walk on. + +"No, you shall not go now!" he exclaimed, pacing beside me. "Why won't you +be amiable, and make me feel at home?" + +"I do apologize if I have been unamiable," I said, with great frankness. +"Mrs. Carruthers always brought me up to have such good manners." + +After that he talked to me for half an hour about the place. + +He seemed to have forgotten his vehemence of the night before. He asked +all sorts of questions, and showed a sentiment and a delicacy I should not +have expected from his hard face. I was quite sorry when the gong sounded +for luncheon and we went in. + +I have no settled plan in my head. I seem to be drifting--tasting for the +first time some power over another human being. It gave me delicious +thrills to see his eagerness when contrasted with the dry refusal of my +hand only the day before. + +At lunch I addressed myself to Mr. Barton; he was too flattered at my +attention, and continued to chatter garrulously. + +The rain came on and poured and beat against the window-panes with a +sudden, angry thud. No chance of further walks abroad. I escaped up-stairs +while the butler was speaking to Mr. Carruthers, and began helping +Veronique to pack. Chaos and desolation it all seemed in my cosey rooms. + +While I was on my knees in front of a great wooden box, hopelessly trying +to stow away books, a crisp tap came to the door, and without more ado my +host--yes, he is that now--entered the room. + +"Good Lord! what is all this?" he exclaimed. "What are you doing?" + +"Packing," I said, not getting up. + +He made an impatient gesture. + +"Nonsense!" he said. "There is no need to pack. I tell you I will not let +you go. I am going to marry you and keep you here always." + +I sat down on the floor and began to laugh. + +"You think so, do you?" + +"Yes." + +"You can't force me to marry you, you know--can you? I want to see the +world. I don't want any tiresome man bothering after me. If I ever do +marry, it will be because--oh, because--" and I stopped and began fiddling +with the cover of a book. + +"What?" + +"Mrs. Carruthers said it was so foolish--but I believe I should prefer to +marry some one I liked. Oh, I know you think that silly--" and I stopped +him as he was about to speak--"but of course, as it does not last, anyway, +it might be good for a little to begin like that--don't you think so?" + +He looked round the room, and on through the wide-open double doors into +my dainty bedroom, where Veronique was still packing. + +"You are very cosey here; it is absurd of you to leave it," he said. + +I got up off the floor and went to the window and back. I don't know why I +felt moved--a sudden sense of the cosiness came over me. The world looked +wet and bleak outside. + +"Why do you say you want me to marry you, Mr. Carruthers?" I said. "You +are joking, of course." + +"I am not joking. I am perfectly serious. I am ready to carry out my +aunt's wishes. It can be no new idea to you, and you must have worldly +sense enough to realize it would be the best possible solution of your +future. I can show you the world, you know." + +He appeared to be extraordinarily good-looking as he stood there, his face +to the dying light. Supposing I took him at his word, after all! + +"But what has suddenly changed your ideas since yesterday? You told me you +had come down to make it clear to me that you could not possibly obey her +orders." + +"That was yesterday," he said. "I had not really seen you--to-day I think +differently." + +"It is just because you are sorry for me; I suppose I seem so lonely," I +whispered, demurely. + +"It is perfectly impossible, what you propose to do--to go and live by +yourself at a London hotel--the idea drives me mad." + +"It will be delightful--no one to order me about from day to night!" + +"Listen," he said, and he flung himself into an arm-chair. "You can marry +me, and I will take you to Paris, or where you want, and I won't order you +about--only I shall keep the other beasts of men from looking at you." + +But I told him at once that I thought that would be very dull. "I have +never had the chance of any one looking at me," I said, "and I want to +feel what it is like. Mrs. Carruthers always assured me I was very pretty, +you know, only she said that I was certain to come to a bad end, because +of my type, unless I got married at once, and then if my head was screwed +on it would not matter; but I don't agree with her." + +He walked up and down the room impatiently. + +"That is just it," he said. "I would rather be the first--I would rather +you began by me. I am strong enough to ward off the rest." + +"What does 'beginning by you' mean?" I asked, with great candor. "Old Lord +Bentworth said I should begin with him, when he was here to shoot +pheasants last autumn; he said it could not matter, he was so old; but I +didn't----" + +Mr. Carruthers bounded up from his chair. + +"You didn't what! Good Lord! what did he want you to do?" he asked, +aghast. + +"Well," I said, and I looked down for a moment; I felt stupidly shy. "He +wanted me to kiss him." + +Mr. Carruthers looked almost relieved. It was strange. + +"The old wretch! Nice company my aunt seems to have kept!" he exclaimed. +"Could she not take better care of you than that--to let you be insulted +by her guests?" + +"I don't think Lord Bentworth meant to insult me. He only said he had +never seen such a red, curly mouth as mine; and as I was bound to go to +the devil some day with that, and such hair, I might begin by kissing +him--he explained it all." + +"And were you not very angry?" his voice wrathful. + +"No, not very; I could not be, I was shaking so with laughter. If you +could have seen the silly old thing, like a wizened monkey, with dyed hair +and an eye-glass--it was too comic! I only told you because you said the +sentence 'begin with you,' and I wanted to know if it was the same +thing----" + +Mr. Carruthers's eyes had such a strange expression--puzzle and amusement, +and something else. He came over close to me. + +"Because," I went on, "if so--I believe if that is always the beginning, I +don't want any beginnings. I haven't the slightest desire to kiss any one. +I should simply hate it." + +Mr. Carruthers laughed. "Oh, you are only a baby child, after all!" he +said. + +This annoyed me. I got up with great dignity. "Tea will be ready in the +white drawing-room," I said, stiffly, and walked towards my bedroom door. + +He came after me. + +"Send your maid away, and let us have it up here," he said. "I like this +room." + +But I was not to be appeased thus easily, and deliberately called +Veronique and gave her fresh directions. + +"Poor old Mr. Barton will be feeling so lonely," I said, as I went out +into the passage. "I am going to see that he has a nice tea," and I looked +back at Mr. Carruthers over my shoulder. Of course, he followed me, and we +went together down the stairs. + +In the hall a footman with a telegram met us. He tore it open impatiently. +Then he looked quite annoyed. + +"I hope you won't mind," he said, "but a friend of mine, Lord Robert +Vavasour, is arriving this afternoon. He is a--er--great judge of +pictures. I forgot I asked him to come down and look at them; it clean +went out of my head." + +I told him he was host, and why should I object to what guests he had. + +"Besides, I am going myself to-morrow," I said, "if Veronique can get the +packing done." + +"Nonsense! How can I make you understand that I do not mean to let you go +at all?" + +I did not answer--only looked at him defiantly. + +Mr. Barton was waiting patiently for us in the white drawing-room, and we +had not been munching muffins for five minutes when the sound of wheels +crunching the gravel of the great sweep--the windows of this room look out +that way--interrupted our made conversation. + +"This must be Bob arriving," Mr. Carruthers said, and went reluctantly +into the hall to meet his guest. + +They came back together presently, and he introduced Lord Robert to me. + +I felt at once he was rather a pet. Such a shape! Just like the Apollo +Belvedere! I do love that look, with a tiny waist and nice shoulders, and +looking as if he were as lithe as a snake, and yet could break pokers in +half like Mr. Rochester in _Jane Eyre_. + +He has great, big, sleepy eyes of blue, and rather a plaintive expression, +and a little fairish mustache turned up at the corners, and the nicest +mouth one ever saw; and when you see him moving, and the back of his head, +it makes you think all the time of a beautifully groomed thorough-bred +horse. I don't know why. At once--in a minute--when we looked at each +other, I felt I should like "Bob." He has none of Mr. Carruthers's +cynical, hard expression, and I am sure he can't be nearly as old--not +more than twenty-seven or so. + +He seemed perfectly at home--sat down and had tea, and talked in the most +casual, friendly way. Mr. Carruthers appeared to freeze up, Mr. Barton got +more _banal_, and the whole thing entertained me immensely. + +I often used to long for adventures in the old days with Mrs. Carruthers, +and here I am really having them! + +Such a situation! I am sure people would think it most improper! I alone +in the house with these three men! I felt I really would have to go--but +where? + +Meanwhile I have every intention of amusing myself. + +Lord Robert and I seemed to have a hundred things to say to each other. I +do like his voice--and he is so perfectly _sans gene_ it makes no +difficulties. By the end of tea we were as old friends. Mr. Carruthers got +more and more polite and stiff, and finally jumped up and hurried his +guest off to the smoking-room. + +I put on such a duck of a frock for dinner--one of the sweetest, +chastened simplicity, in black, showing peeps of skin through the thin +part at the top. Nothing could be more demure or becoming, and my hair +would not behave, and stuck out in rebellious waves and curls everywhere. + +I thought it would be advisable not to be in too good time, so sauntered +down after I knew dinner was announced. + +They were both standing on the hearth-rug. I always forget to count Mr. +Barton; he was in some chair, I suppose, but I did not notice him. + +Mr. Carruthers is the taller--about one inch. He must be a good deal over +six feet, because the other one is very tall, too; but now that one saw +them together, Mr. Carruthers's figure appeared stiff and set besides Lord +Robert's, and he hasn't got nearly such a little waist. But they really +are lovely creatures, both of them, and I don't yet know which I like +best. + +We had such an engaging time at dinner! I was as provoking as I could be +in the time, sympathetically, absorbingly interested in Mr. Barton's long +stories, and only looking at the other two now and then from under my +eyelashes; while I talked in the best demure fashion that I am sure even +Lady Katherine Montgomerie--a neighbor of ours--would have approved of. + +They should not be able to say I could not chaperone myself in any +situation. + +"Dam good port this, Christopher," Lord Robert said, when the '47 was +handed round. "Is this what you asked me down to sample?" + +"I thought it was to give your opinion about the pictures?" I exclaimed, +surprised. "Mr. Carruthers said you were a great judge." + +They looked at each other. + +"Oh--ah--yes," said Lord Robert, lying transparently. "Pictures are +awfully interesting. Will you show me them after dinner?" + +"The light is too dim for a connoisseur to investigate them properly," I +said. + +"I shall have it all lit by electricity as soon as possible; I wrote about +it to-day," Mr. Carruthers announced, sententiously. "But I will show you +the pictures myself, to-morrow, Bob." + +This at once decided me to take Lord Robert round to-night, and I told him +so in a velvet voice while Mr. Barton was engaging Christopher's +attention. + +They stayed such a long time in the dining-room after I left that I was on +my way to bed when they came out into the hall, and could with difficulty +be persuaded to remain--for a few moments. + +"I am too awfully sorry," Lord Robert said. "I could not get away. I do +not know what possessed Christopher; he would sample ports, and talked the +hind-leg off a donkey, till at last I said to him straight out I wanted to +come to you. So here I am. Now you won't go to bed, will you?--please, +please." + +He has such pleading blue eyes, imploring pathetically, like a baby in +distress, it is quite impossible to resist him--and we started down the +gallery. + +Of course, he did not know the difference between a Canaletto and a +Turner, and hardly made a pretence of being interested; in fact, when we +got to the end where the early Italians hang, and I was explaining the +wonderful texture of a Madonna, he said: + +"They all look sea-sick and out of shape. Don't you think we might sit in +that comfy window-seat and talk of something else?" Then he told me he +loved pictures, but not this sort. + +"I like people to look human, you know, even on canvas," he said. "All +these ladies appear as if they were getting enteric, like people used in +Africa; and I don't like their halos and things; and all the men are old +and bald. But you must not think me a Goth. You will teach me their +points, won't you?--and then I shall love them." + +I said I did not care a great deal for them myself, except the color. + +"Oh, I am so glad!" he said. "I should like to find we admired the same +things; but no picture could interest me as much as your hair. It is the +loveliest thing I have ever seen, and you do it so beautifully." + +That did please me. He has the most engaging ways--Lord Robert--and he is +very well informed, not stupid a bit, or thick, only absolutely simple and +direct. We talked softly together, quite happy for a while. + +Then Mr. Carruthers got rid of Mr. Barton and came towards us. I settled +myself more comfortably on the velvet cushions. Purple velvet cushions and +curtains in this gallery, good old relics of early Victorian taste. Lots +of the house is awful, but these curtains always please me. + +Mr. Carruthers's face was as stern as a stone bust of Augustus Caesar. I am +sure the monks in the Inquisition looked like that. I do wonder what he +was going to say, but Lord Robert did not give him time. + +"Do go away, Christopher," he said. "Miss Travers is going to teach me +things about Italian Madonnas, and I can't keep my attention if there is a +third person about." + +I suppose if Mr. Carruthers had not been a diplomat he would have sworn, +but I believe that kind of education makes you able to put your face how +you like, so he smiled sweetly and took a chair near. + +"I shall not leave you, Bob," he said. "I do not consider you are a good +companion for Miss Evangeline. I am responsible for her, and I am going to +take care of her." + +"Then you should not have asked him here if he is not a respectable +person," I said, innocently. "But Italian Madonnas ought to chasten and +elevate his thoughts. Anyway, your responsibility towards me is +self-constituted. I am the only person whom I mean to obey," and I settled +myself deliberately in the velvet pillows. + +"Not a good companion!" exclaimed Lord Robert. "What dam cheek, +Christopher! I have not my equal in the whole Household Cavalry, as you +know." + +They both laughed, and we continued to talk in a sparring way--Mr. +Carruthers sharp and subtle, and fine as a sword-blade; Lord Robert +downright and simple, with an air of a puzzled baby. + +When I thought they were both wanting me very much to stay, I got up and +said good-night. + +They both came down the gallery with me, and insisted upon each lighting a +candle from the row of burnished silver candlesticks in the hall, which +they presented to me with great mock-homage. It annoyed me--I don't know +why--and I suddenly froze up and declined them both, while I said +good-night again stiffly, and walked in my most stately manner up the +stairs. + +I could see Lord Robert's eyebrows puckered into a more plaintive +expression than ever while he let the beautiful silver candlestick hang, +dropping the grease onto the polished oak floor. + +Mr. Carruthers stood quite still, and put his light back on the table. His +face was cynical and rather amused. I can't say what irritation I felt, +and immediately decided to leave on the morrow--but where to, fate or the +devil could only know. + +When I got to my room a lump came in my throat. Veronique had gone to bed, +tired out with her day's packing. + +I suddenly felt utterly alone--all the exaltation gone. For the moment I +hated the two down-stairs. I felt the situation equivocal and untenable, +and it had amused me so much an hour ago. + +It is stupid and silly, and makes one's nose red, but I felt like crying a +little before I got into bed. + + + + + BRANCHES, + + Saturday afternoon, _November 5th._ + + +This morning I woke with a headache, to see the rain beating against my +windows, and mist and fog--a fitting day for the 5th of November. I would +not go down to breakfast. Veronique brought me mine to my sitting-room +fire, and, with Spartan determination, I packed steadily all the morning. + +About twelve a note came up from Lord Robert. I put it in. + + + DEAR MISS TRAVERS,-- + + Why are you hiding? Was I a bore last night? Do forgive me + and come down. Has Christopher locked you in your room? + I will murder the brute if he has! + + Yours very sincerely, + + ROBERT VAVASOUR. + + +"Can't; I am packing," I scribbled in pencil on the envelope, and gave +it back to Charles, who was waiting in the hall for the answer. Two +minutes after, Lord Robert walked into the room, the door of which the +footman had left open. + +"I have come to help you," he said, in that voice of his that sounds so +sure of a welcome you can't snub him. "But where are you going?" + +"I don't know," I said, a little forlornly, and then bent down and +vigorously collected photographs. + +"Oh, but you can't go to London by yourself!" he said, aghast. "Look +here, I will come up with you, and take you to my aunt, Lady Merrenden. +She is such a dear, and I am sure when I have told her all about you she +will be delighted to take care of you for some days until you can hunt +round." + +He looked such a boy, and his face was so kind, I was touched. + +"Oh no, Lord Robert! I cannot do that, but I thank you. I don't want to +be under an obligation to any one," I said, firmly. "Mr. Carruthers +suggests a way out of the difficulty--that I should marry him, and stay +here. I don't think he means it, really, but he pretends he does." + +He sat down on the edge of a table already laden with books, most of +which overbalanced and fell crash on the floor. + +"So Christopher wants you to marry him--the old fox?" he said, +apparently oblivious of the wreck of literature he had caused. "But you +won't do that, will you? And yet I have no business to say that. He is a +dam good friend, Christopher." + +"I am sure you ought not to swear so often, Lord Robert; it shocks me, +brought up as I have been," I said, with the air of a little angel. + +"Do I swear?" he asked, surprised. "Oh no, I don't think so--at least, +there is no 'n' to the end of the 'dams,' so they are only an innocent +ornament to conversation. But I won't do it, if you don't wish me to." + +After that he helped me with the books, and was so merry and kind I soon +felt cheered up, and by lunchtime all were finished and in the boxes +ready to be tied up and taken away. Veronique, too, had made great +progress in the adjoining room, and was standing stiff and _maussade_ by +my dressing-table when I came in. She spoke respectfully in French, and +asked me if I had made my plans yet, for, as she explained to me, her +own position seemed precarious, and yet, having been with me for five +years, she did not feel she could leave me at a juncture like this. At +the same time she hoped mademoiselle would make some suitable decision, +as she feared, respectfully, it was "une si drole de position pour une +demoiselle du monde," alone with "ces messieurs." + +I could not be angry; it was quite true what she said. + +"I shall go up this evening to Claridge's, Veronique," I assured +her--"by about the 5.15 train. We will wire to them after luncheon." + +She seemed comforted, but she added--in the abstract--that a rich +marriage was what was obviously mademoiselle's fate, and she felt sure +great happiness and many jewels would await mademoiselle if mademoiselle +could be persuaded to make up her mind. Nothing is sacred from one's +maid. She knew all about Mr. Carruthers, of course. Poor old Veronique! +I have a big, warm corner for her in my heart. Sometimes she treats me +with the frigid respect one would pay to a queen, and at others I am +almost her _enfant_, so tender and motherly she is to me. And she puts +up with all my tempers and moods, and pets me like a baby just when I am +the worst of all. + +Lord Robert had left me reluctantly when the luncheon gong sounded. + +"Haven't we been happy?" he said, taking it for granted I felt the same +as he did. This is a very engaging quality of his, and makes one feel +sympathetic, especially when he looks into one's eyes with his sleepy +blue ones. He has lashes as long and curly as a gypsy's baby. + +Mr. Carruthers was alone in the dining-room when I got in; he was +looking out of the window, and turned round sharply as I came up the +room. I am sure he would like to have been killing flies on the panes if +he had been a boy. His eyes were steel. + +"Where have you been all the time?" he asked, when he had shaken hands +and said good-morning. + +"Up in my room, packing," I said, simply. "Lord Robert was so kind he +helped me. We have got everything done; and may I order the carriage for +the 5.15 train, please?" + +"Certainly not. Confound Lord Robert!" Mr. Carruthers said. "What +business is it of his? You are not to go. I won't let you. Dear, silly +little child!--" his voice was quite moved. "You can't possibly go out +into the world all alone. Evangeline, why won't you marry me? I--do you +know, I believe--I shall love you----" + +"I should have to be _perfectly sure_ that the person I married loved +me, Mr. Carruthers," I said, demurely, "before I consented to finish up +my life like that." + +He had no time to answer, for Mr. Barton and Lord Robert came into the +room. + +There seemed a gloom over luncheon. There were pauses, and Lord Robert +had a more pathetic expression than ever. His hands are a nice +shape--but so are Mr. Carruthers's; they both look very much like +gentlemen. + +Before we had finished, a note was brought in to me. It was from Lady +Katherine Montgomerie. She was too sorry, she said, to hear of my lonely +position, and she was writing to ask if I would not come over and spend +a fortnight with them at Tryland Court. + +It was not well worded, and I had never cared much for Lady Katherine, +but it was fairly kind, and fitted in perfectly with my plans. + +She had probably heard of Mr. Carruthers's arrival, and was scandalized +at my being alone in the house with him. + +Both men had their eyes fixed on my face when I looked up, as I finished +reading the note. + +"Lady Katherine Montgomerie writes to ask me to Tryland," I said. "So if +you will excuse me I will answer it, and say I will come this +afternoon," and I got up. + +Mr. Carruthers rose, too, and followed me into the library. He +deliberately shut the door and came over to the writing-table where I +sat down. + +"Well, if I let you go, will you tell her then that you are engaged to +me, and I am going to marry you as soon as possible?" + +"No, indeed I won't," I said, decidedly. "I am not going to marry you, +or any one, Mr. Carruthers. What do you think of me? Fancy my consenting +to come back here forever, and live with you, when I don't know you a +bit! And having to put up with your--perhaps--kissing me, +and--and--things of that sort. It is perfectly dreadful to think of!" + +He laughed as if in spite of himself. "But supposing I promised not to +kiss you?" + +"Even so," I said, and I couldn't help biting the end of my pen. "It +could happen that I might get a feeling I wanted to kiss some one +else--and there it is! Once you're married, everything nice is wrong!" + +"Evangeline! I won't let you go--out of my life--you strange little +witch! You have upset me, disturbed me--I can settle to nothing. I seem +to want you so very much." + +"Pouf!" I said, and I pouted at him. + +"You have everything in your life to fill it--position, riches, friends. +You don't want a green-eyed adventuress." + +I bent down and wrote steadily to Lady Katherine. I would be there about +six o'clock, I said, and thanked her in my best style. + +"If I let you go, it is only for the time," Mr. Carruthers said as I +signed my name. "I _intend_ you to marry me--do you hear?" + +"Again I say, 'Qui vivre verra!'" I laughed and rose with the note in my +hand. + +Lord Robert looked almost ready to cry when I told him I was off in the +afternoon. + +"I shall see you again," he said. "Lady Katherine is a relation of my +aunt's husband, Lord Merrenden. I don't know her myself, though." + +I do not believe him. How can he see me again? Young men do talk a lot +of nonsense! + +"I shall come over on Wednesday to see how you are getting on," Mr. +Carruthers said. "Please do be in." + +I promised I would, and then I came up-stairs. + +And so it has come to an end, my life at Branches. I am going to start a +new phase of existence, my first beginning as an adventuress! + +How completely all one's ideas can change in a few days! This day three +weeks ago Mrs. Carruthers was alive. This day two weeks ago I found +myself no longer a prospective heiress, and only three days ago I was +contemplating calmly the possibility of marrying Mr. Carruthers; and +now, for heaven, I would not marry any one! And so, for fresh woods and +pastures new! Oh, I want to see the world, and lots of different human +beings; I want to know what it is makes the clock go round--that great +big clock of life. I want to dance and to sing and to laugh, and to +_live_--and--and--yes, perhaps some day to kiss some one I love! + + + + + TRYLAND COURT HEADINGTON, + + Wednesday, _November 9th._ + + +Goodness gracious! I have been here four whole days, and I continually ask +myself how I shall be able to stand it for the rest of the fortnight. +Before I left Branches, I began to have a sinking at the heart. There were +horribly touching farewells with housekeepers and people I have known +since a child, and one hates to have that choky feeling, especially as +just at the end of it, while tears were still in my eyes, Mr. Carruthers +came out into the hall and saw them; so did Lord Robert! + +I blinked and blinked, but one would trickle down my nose. It was a +horribly awkward moment. + +Mr. Carruthers made profuse inquiries as to my comforts for the drive, in +a tone colder than ever, and insisted upon my drinking some cherry brandy. +Such fussing is quite unlike his usual manner, so I suppose he, too, felt +it was a tiresome _quart d'heure_. Lord Robert did not hide his concern; +he came up to me and took my hand while Christopher was speaking to the +footman who was going with me. + +"You are a dear," he said, "and a brick, and don't you forget I shall come +and stay with Lady Katherine before you leave, so you won't feel you are +all among strangers." + +I thanked him, and he squeezed my hand so kindly. I do like Lord Robert. + +Very soon I was gay again and _insouciante_, and the last they saw of me +was smiling out of the brougham window as I drove off in the dusk. They +both stood upon the steps and waved to me. + +Tea was over at Tryland when I arrived--such a long, damp drive! And I +explained to Lady Katherine how sorry I was to have had to come so late, +and that I could not think of troubling her to have up fresh for me; but +she insisted, and after a while a whole new lot came, made in a hurry with +the water not boiling, and I had to gulp down a nasty cup--Ceylon tea, +too! I hate Ceylon tea! Mr. Montgomerie warmed himself before the fire, +quite shielding it from us, who shivered on a row of high-backed chairs +beyond the radius of the hearth-rug. + +He has a way of puffing out his cheeks and making a noise like "Burrrr," +which sounds very bluff and hearty until you find he has said a mean thing +about some one directly after. And while red hair looks very well on me, I +do think a man with it is the ugliest thing in creation. His face is red, +and his nose and cheeks almost purple, and fiery whiskers, fierce enough +to frighten a cat in a dark lane. + +He was a rich Scotch manufacturer, and poor Lady Katherine had to marry +him, I suppose; though, as she is Scotch herself, I dare say she does not +notice that he is rather coarse. + +There are two sons and six daughters--one married, four grown-up, and one +at school in Brussels--and all with red hair! But straight and coarse, and +with freckles and white eyelashes. So, really, it is very kind of Lady +Katherine to have asked me here. + +They are all as good as gold on top, and one does poker-work, and another +binds books, and a third embroiders altar-cloths, and the fourth knits +ties--all for charities, and they ask every one to subscribe to them +directly they come to the house. The tie and the altar-cloth ones were +sitting working hard in the drawing-room--Kirstie and Jean are their +names; Jessie and Maggie, the poker-worker and the bookbinder, have a +sitting-room to themselves--their work-shop they call it. They were there +still, I suppose, for I did not see them until dinner. We used to meet +once a year at Mrs. Carruthers's Christmas parties ever since ages and +ages, and I remember I hated their tartan sashes, and they generally had +colds in their heads, and one year they gave every one mumps, so they +were not asked the next. The altar-cloth one, Jean, is my age, the other +three are older. + +It was really very difficult to find something to say, and I can quite +understand common people fidgeting when they feel worried like this. I +have never fidgeted since eight years ago, the last time Mrs. Carruthers +boxed my ears for it. Just before going up to dress for dinner Mr. +Montgomerie asked blank out if it was true that Mr. Carruthers had +arrived. Lady Katherine had been skirting round this subject for a quarter +of an hour. + +I only said yes, but that was not enough, and, once started, he asked a +string of questions, with "Burrrr" several times in between. Was Mr. +Carruthers going to shoot the pheasants in November? Had he decided to +keep on the chef? Had he given up diplomacy? I said I really did not know +any of these things, I had seen so little of him. + +Lady Katherine nodded her head, while she measured a comforter she was +knitting, to see if it was long enough. + +"I am sure it must have been most awkward for you, his arriving at all; it +was not very good taste on his part, I am afraid, but I suppose he wished +to see his inheritance as soon as possible," she said. + +I nearly laughed, thinking what she would say if she knew which part of +his inheritance he had really come to see. I do wonder if she has ever +heard that Mrs. Carruthers left me to him, more or less, in her will! + +"I hope you had your old governess with you, at least," she continued, as +we went up the stairs, "so that you could feel less uncomfortable--really +a most shocking situation for a girl alone in the house with an unmarried +man!" + +I told her Mr. Barton was there, too, but I had not the courage to say +anything about Lord Robert; only that Mr. Carruthers had a friend of his +down who was a great judge of pictures, to see them. + +"Oh, a valuer, I suppose. I hope he is not going to sell the Correggios," +she exclaimed. + +"No, I don't think so," I said, leaving the part about the valuer +unanswered. + +Mr. Carruthers's being unmarried seemed to worry her most; she went on +about it again before we got to my bedroom door. + +"I happened to hear a rumor at Miss Sheriton's" (the wool-shop in +Headington, our town) "this morning," she said, "and so I wrote at once to +you. I felt how terrible it would be for one of my own dear girls to be +left alone with a bachelor like that. I almost wonder you did not stay up +in your own rooms." + +I thanked her for her kind thought, and she left me at last. + +If she only knew! The unmarried ones who came down the passage to talk to +mademoiselle were not half so saucy as the old fellows with wives +somewhere. Lord Bentworth was married, and he wanted me to kiss him, +whereas Colonel Grimston had no wife, and he never said Bo! to a goose. +And I do wonder what she thought Mr. Carruthers was going to do to me, +that it would have been wise for me to stay up in my rooms. Perhaps she +thinks diplomats, having lived in foreign places, are sort of wild beasts. + +My room is frightful after my pretty rosy chintzes at Branches. Nasty +yellowish wood furniture, and nothing much matching; however, there are +plenty of wardrobes, so Veronique is content. + +They were all in the drawing-room when I got down, and Malcolm, the eldest +son, who is in a Highland militia regiment, had arrived by a seven-o'clock +train. + +I had that dreadful feeling of being very late and Mr. Montgomerie wanting +to swear at me, though it was only a minute past a quarter to eight. + +He said "Burrrr" several times, and flew off to the dining-room with me +tucked under his arm, murmuring it gave no cook a chance to keep the +dinner waiting. So I expected something wonderful in the way of food, but +it is not half so good as our chef sent up at Branches. And the footmen +are not all the same height, and their liveries don't fit like Mrs. +Carruthers always insisted that ours should do. + +Malcolm _is_ a titsy pootsy man. Not as tall as I am, and thin as a rail, +with a look of his knees being too near together. He must be awful in a +kilt, and I am sure he shivers when the wind blows--he has that air. I +don't like kilts--unless men are big, strong, bronzed creatures that don't +seem ashamed of their bare bits. I saw some splendid specimens marching, +once, in Edinburgh, and they swung their skirts just like the beautiful +ladies in the Bois, when mademoiselle and I went out of the Allee Mrs. +Carruthers told us to try always to walk in. + +Lady Catherine talked a great deal at dinner about politics and her +different charities, and the four girls were so respectful and interested, +but Mr. Montgomerie contradicted her whenever he could. I was glad when we +went into the drawing-room. + +That first evening was the worst of all, because we were all so strange; +one seems to get acclimatized to whatever it is after a while. + +Lady Katherine asked me if I had not some fancy-work to do. Kirstie had +begun her ties, and Jean the altar-cloth, again. + +"Do let Maggie run to your room and fetch it for you," she said. + +I was obliged to tell her I never did any. "But I--I can trim hats," I +said; it really seemed awful not to be able to do anything like them, I +felt I must say this as a kind of defence for myself. + +However, she seemed to think that hardly a lady's employment. + +"How clever of you!" Kirstie exclaimed. "I wish I could, but don't you +find that intermittent? You can't trim them all the time. Don't you feel +the want of a constant employment?" + +I was obliged to say I had not felt like that yet, but I could not tell +them I particularly loved sitting perfectly still, doing nothing. + +Jessie and Maggie played Patience at two tables which folded up, and which +they brought out and sat down to with a deliberate accustomed look which +made me know at once they did this every night, and that I should see +those tables planted exactly on those two spots of carpet every evening +during my whole stay. I suppose it is because they cannot bring the +poker-work and the bookbinding into the drawing-room. + +"Won't you play us something?" Lady Katherine asked, plaintively. +Evidently it was not permitted to do nothing, so I got up and went to the +piano. + +Fortunately I know heaps of things by heart, and I love them, and would +have gone on and on, so as to fill up the time, but they all said "Thank +you" in a chorus after each bit, and it rather put me off. + +Mr. Montgomerie and Malcolm did not come in for ages, and I could see Lady +Katherine getting uneasy. One or two things at dinner suggested to me that +these two were not on the best terms, perhaps she feared they had come to +blows in the dining-room. The Scotch, Mrs. Carruthers said, have all kinds +of rough customs that other nations do not keep up any longer. + +They did turn up at last, and Mr. Montgomerie was purple all over his +face, and Malcolm a pale green, but there were no bruises on him; only one +could see they had had a terrible quarrel. + +There is something in breeding, after all, even if one is of a barbarous +country. Lady Katherine behaved so well, and talked charities and politics +faster than ever, and did not give them time for any further outburst, +though I fancy I heard a few "damns" mixed with the "burrrrs," and not +without the "n" on just for ornament, like Lord Robert's. + +It was a frightful evening. + + + Wednesday, _November 9th._ + (Continued.) + + +Malcolm walked beside me going to church the next day. He looked a little +less depressed, and I tried to cheer him up. + +He did not tell me what his worries were, but Jean had said something +about it when she came into my room as I was getting ready. It appears he +has got into trouble over a horse called Angela Grey--Jean gathered this +from Lady Katherine; she said her father was very angry about it, as he +had spent so much money on it. + +To me it does not sound like a horse's name, and I told Jean so, but she +was perfectly horrified, and said it must be a horse, because they were +not acquainted with any Angela Grey, and did not even know any Greys at +all. So it must be a horse! + +I think that a ridiculous reason, as Mrs. Carruthers said all young men +knew people one wouldn't want to; and it was silly to make a fuss about +it, and that they couldn't help it, and they would be very dull if they +were as good as gold, like girls. + +But I expect Lady Katherine thinks differently about things to Mrs. +Carruthers, and the daughters the same. + +I shall ask Lord Robert when I see him again if it is a horse or not. + +Malcolm is not attractive, and I was glad the church was not far off. + +No carriages are allowed out on Sunday, so we had to walk; and coming back +it began to rain, and we could not go round the stables, which I +understand is the custom here every Sunday. + +Everything is done because it is the custom, not because you want to amuse +yourself. + +"When it rains and we can't go round the stables," Kirstie said, "we look +at the old _Illustrated London News_, and go on our way from afternoon +church." + +I did not particularly want to do that, so stayed in my room as long as I +could. The four girls were seated at a large table in the hall, each with +a volume in front of her when I got down at last. They must know every +picture by heart, if they do it every Sunday it rains--they stay in +England all the winter. + +Jean made room for me beside her. + +"I am at the 'Sixties,'" she said. "I finished the 'Fifties' last Easter." +So they evidently do even this with a method. + +I asked her if there were not any new books they wanted to read, but she +said Lady Katherine did not care for their looking at magazines or novels +unless she had been through them first, and she had not time for many, so +they kept the few they had to read between tea and dinner on Sunday. + +By this time I felt I should do something wicked; and if the luncheon gong +had not sounded, I do not know what would have happened. + +Mr. Montgomerie said rather gallant things to me when the cheese and port +came along, while the girls looked shocked, and Lady Katherine had a stony +stare. I suppose he is like this because he is married. I wonder, though, +if young married men are the same. I have never met any yet. + +By Monday night I was beginning to feel the end of the world would come +soon. It is ten times worse than ever having had to conceal all my +feelings and abjectly obey Mrs. Carruthers. Because she did say cynical, +entertaining things sometimes to me, and to her friends, that made one +laugh. And one felt it was only she who made the people who were dependent +upon her do her way, because she herself was so selfish, and that the rest +of the world were free if once one got outside. + +But Lady Katherine and the whole Montgomerie _milieu_ give you the +impression that everything and everybody must be ruled by rules; and no +one could have a right to an individual opinion in any sphere of society. + +You simply can't laugh--they asphyxiate you. I am looking forward to this +afternoon and Mr. Carruthers coming over. I often think of the days at +Branches, and how exciting it was, with those two, and I wish I were back +again. + +I have tried to be polite and nice to them all here, and yet they don't +seem absolutely pleased. + +Malcolm gazes at me with sheep's eyes. They are a washy blue, with the +family white eyelashes (how different to Lord Robert's!). He has the most +precise, regulated manner, and never says a word of slang; he ought to +have been a young curate, and I can't imagine his spending money on any +Angela Greys, even if she is a horse or not. + +He speaks to me when he can, and asks me to go for walks round the golf +course. The four girls play for an hour and three-quarters every morning. +They never seem to enjoy anything--the whole of life is a solid duty. I am +sitting up in my room, and Veronique has had the sense to have my fire +lighted early. I suppose Mr. Carruthers won't come until about four--an +hour more to be got through. I have said I must write letters, and so +have escaped from them and not had to go for the usual drive. + +I suppose he will have the sense to ask for me, even if Lady Katherine is +not back when he comes. + +This morning it was so fine and frosty a kind of devil seemed to creep +into me. I have been _so_ good since Saturday, so when Malcolm said, in +his usual prim, priggish voice, "Miss Travers, may I have the pleasure of +taking you for a little exercise," I jumped up without consulting Lady +Katherine, and went and put my things on, and we started. + +I had a feeling that they were all thinking I was doing something wrong, +and so, of course, it made me worse. I said every kind of simple thing I +could to Malcolm to make him jump, and looked at him now and then from +under my eyelashes. So when we got to a stile, he did want to help me, and +his eyes were quite wobblish. He has a giggle right up in the treble, and +it comes out at such unexpected moments, when there is nothing to laugh +at. I suppose it is being Scotch--he has just caught the meaning of some +former joke. There would never be any use in saying things to him like to +Lord Robert and Mr. Carruthers, because one would have left the place +before he understood, if even then. + +There was an old Sir Thomas Farquharson who came to Branches, and he +grasped the deepest jokes of Mrs. Carruthers--so deep that even I did not +understand them--and he was Scotch. It may be they are like that only when +they have red hair. + +When I was seated on top of a stile, Malcolm suddenly announced: + +"I hear you are going to London when you go. I hope you will let me come +and see you; but I wish you lived here always." + +"I don't," I said, and then I remembered that sounded rather rude, and +they had been kind to me. "At least, you know, I think the country is +dull; don't you--for always?" + +"Yes," he replied, primly, "for men, but it is where I should always wish +to see the woman I respected." + +"Are towns so wicked?" I asked, in my little-angel voice. "Tell me of +their pitfalls, so that I may avoid them." + +"You must not believe everything people say to you, to begin with," he +said, seriously. "For one so young as you, I am afraid you will find your +path beset with temptations." + +"Oh, do tell me what!" I implored. "I have always wanted to know what +temptations were. Please tell me. If you come to see me--would you be a +temptation, or is temptation a thing and not a person?" I looked at him +so beseechingly he never for a second saw the twinkle in my eye. + +He coughed pompously. "I expect I should be," he said modestly. +"Temptations are--er--er--Oh, I say, you know, I say--I don't know what to +say." + +"Oh, what a pity!" I said, regretfully. "I was hoping to hear all about it +from you, especially if you are one yourself; you must know." + +He looked gratified, but still confused. + +"You see, when you are quite alone in London, some man may make love to +you." + +"Oh, do you think so, _really_?" I asked, aghast. "That, I suppose, would +be frightful, if I were by myself in the room. Would it do, do you think, +if I left the sitting-room door open and kept Veronique on the other +side?" + +He looked at me hard, but he only saw the face of an unprotected angel, +and, becoming reassured, he said, gravely: + +"Yes, it might be just as well." + +"You do surprise me about love," I said. "I had no idea it was a violent +kind of thing like that. I thought it began with grave reverence and +respect, and after years of offering flowers and humble compliments, and +bread-and-butter at tea-parties, the gentleman went down upon one knee and +made a declaration--'Clara Maria, I adore you; be mine'--and then one put +out a lily-white hand and, blushing, told him to rise; but that can't be +your sort, and you have not yet explained what temptation means." + +"It means more or less wanting to do what you ought not to." + +"Oh, then," I said, "I am having temptation all the time; aren't you? For +instance, I want to tear up Jean's altar-cloth, and rip Kirstie's ties, +and tool bad words on Jessie's bindings, and burn Maggie's wood-boxes." + +He looked horribly shocked and hurt, so I added at once: + +"Of course, it must be lovely to be able to do these things; they are +perfect girls, and so clever, only it makes me feel like that because I +suppose I am--different." + +He looked at me critically. "Yes, you are different; I wish you would try +and be more like my sisters, then I should not feel so nervous about your +going to London." + +"It is too good of you to worry," I said, demurely. "But I don't think you +need, you know. I have rather a strong suspicion I am acquainted with the +way to take care of myself," and I bent down and laughed right in his +face, and jumped off the stile onto the other side. + +He did look such a teeny shrimp climbing after me! But it does not matter +what is their size, the vanity of men is just the same. I am sure he +thought he had only to begin making love to me himself and I would drop +like a ripe peach into his mouth. + +I teased him all the way back, until when we got in to lunch he did not +know whether he was on his head or his heels. Just as we came up to the +door he said: + +"I thought your name was Evangeline; why did you say it was Clara Maria?" + +"Because it is not!" I laughed over my shoulder, and ran into the house. + +He stood on the steps, and if he had been one of the stable-boys he would +have scratched his head. + +Now I must stop and dress. I shall put on a black tea-frock I have. Mr. +Carruthers shall see I have not caught frumpdom from my hosts. + + + _Night._ + + +I do think men are the most horrid creatures--you can't believe what they +say or rely upon them for five minutes! Mrs. Carruthers was right; she +said, "Evangeline, remember, it is quite difficult enough to trust one's +self without trusting a man." + +Such an afternoon I have had! That annoying feeling of waiting for +something all the time and nothing happening. For Mr. Carruthers did not +turn up, after all. How I wish I had not dressed and expected him! + +He is probably saying to himself he is well out of the business, now I +have gone. I don't suppose he meant a word of his protestations to me. +Well, he need not worry. I had no intention of jumping down his throat; +only I would have been glad to see him, because he is human, and not like +any one here. + +Of course, Lord Robert will be the same, and I shall probably never see +either of them again. How can Lord Robert get here when he does not know +Lady Katherine? No; it was just said to say something nice when I was +leaving, and he will be as horrid as Mr. Carruthers. + +I am thankful, at least, that I did not tell Lady Katherine; I should have +felt such a goose. Oh! I do wonder what I shall do next. I don't know at +all how much things cost; perhaps three hundred a year is very poor. I am +sure my best frocks always were five or six hundred francs each, and I +dare say hotels run away with money. But for the moment I am rich, as Mr. +Barton kindly advanced some of my legacy to me; and, oh, I am going to see +life! and it is absurd to be sad! I shall go to bed, and forget how cross +I feel. + +They are going to have a shoot here next week--pheasants. I wonder if they +will have a lot of old men. I have not heard all who are coming. + +Lady Katherine said to me after dinner this evening that she was sorry, as +she was afraid it would be most awkward for me their having a party, on +account of my deep mourning, and I, if I felt it dreadfully, I need not +consider they would find me the least rude if I preferred to have dinner +in my room. + +I don't want to have dinner in my room. Think of the stuffiness of it! And +perhaps hearing laughter going on down-stairs. + +I can always amuse myself watching faces, however dull they are. I thanked +her, and said it would not be at all necessary, as I must get accustomed +to seeing people. I could not count upon always meeting hostesses with +such kind thoughts as hers, and I might as well get used to it. + +She said "Yes," but not cordially. + +To-morrow Mrs. Mackintosh, the eldest daughter, is arriving with her four +children. I remember her wedding five years ago. I have never seen her +since. + +She was very tall and thin, and stooped dreadfully, and Mrs. Carruthers +said Providence had been very kind in giving her a husband at all. But +when Mr. Mackintosh tittuped down the aisle with her, I did not think so. + +A wee, sandy fellow about up to her shoulder! + +Oh, I would hate to be tied to that! I think to be tied to anything could +not be very nice. I wonder how I ever thought of marrying Mr. Carruthers +offhand! + +I feel now I shall never marry, for years. Of course one can't be an old +maid, but for a long time I mean to see life first. + + + + + TRYLAND, + + Thursday, _November 10th._ + + + BRANCHES, + + _Wednesday._ + + + DEAR MISS TRAVERS,-- + + I regret exceedingly I was unable to come over to Tryland + to-day, but hope to do so before you leave. I trust you are + well, and did not catch cold on the drive. + + Yours, very truly, + + CHRISTOPHER CARRUTHERS. + + +_This_ is what I get this morning! Pig! + +Well, I sha'n't be in if he does come. I can just see him pulling +himself together once temptation (it makes me think of Malcolm!) is out +of his way; he no doubt feels he has had an escape, as I am nobody very +grand. + +The letters come early here, as everywhere, but in a bag which only Mr. +Montgomerie can open, and one has to wait until every one is seated at +breakfast before he produces the key and deals them all out. + +Mr. Carruthers's was the only one for me, and it had "Branches" on the +envelope, which attracted Mr. Montgomerie's attention, and he began to +"burrrr," and hardly gave me time to read it before he commenced to ask +questions apropos of the place, to get me to say what the letter was +about. He is a curious man. + +"Carruthers is a capital fellow, they tell me--er. You had better ask +him over quietly, Katherine, if he is all alone at Branches"--this with +one eye on me in a questioning way. + +I remained silent. + +"Perhaps he is off to London, though?" + +I pretended to be busy with my coffee. + +"Best pheasant-shoot in the county, and a close borough under the old +regime. Hope he will be more neighborly--Er--suppose he must shoot 'em +before November?" + +I buttered my toast. + +Then the "burrrrs" began. I wonder he does not have a noise that ends +with d--n simply. It would save him time. + +"Couldn't help seeing your letter was from Branches. Hope Carruthers +gives you some news?" + +As he addressed me deliberately, I was obliged to answer: + +"I have no information. It is only a business letter," and I ate toast +again. + +He "burrred" more than ever, and opened some of his own correspondence. + +"What am I to do, Katherine," he said, presently--"that confounded +fellow Campion has thrown me over for next week, and he is my best gun? +At short notice like this, it's impossible to replace him with the same +class of shot." + +"Yes, dear," said Lady Katherine, in that kind of voice that has not +heard the question. She was deep in her own letters. + +"Katherine!" roared Mr. Montgomerie. "Will you listen when I +speak--burrrr!" and he thumped his fist on the table. + +Poor Lady Katherine almost jumped, and the china rattled. + +"Forgive me, Anderson," she said, humbly; "you were saying----?" + +"Campion has thrown me over," glared Mr. Montgomerie. + +"Then I have perhaps the very thing for you," Lady Katherine said, in a +relieved way, returning to her letters. "Sophia Merrenden writes this +morning, and among other things tells me of her nephew, Lord Robert +Vavasour--you know, Torquilstone's half-brother. She says he is the most +charming young man and a wonderful shot--she even suggests" (looking +back a page), "that he might be useful to us, if we are short of a gun." + +"Damned kind of her!" growled Mr. Montgomerie. + +I hope they did not notice, but I had suddenly such a thrill of pleasure +that I am sure my cheeks got red. I felt frightfully excited to hear +what was going to happen. + +"Merrenden, as you know, is the best judge of shooting in England," Lady +Katherine went on, in an injured voice. "Sophia is hardly likely to +recommend his nephew so highly if he were not pretty good." + +"But you don't know the puppy, Katherine." + +My heart fell. + +"That is not the least consequence; we are almost related. Merrenden is +my first cousin, you forget that, I suppose!" + +Fortunately I could detect that Lady Katherine was becoming obstinate +and offended. I drank some more coffee. Oh, how lovely if Lord Robert +comes! + +Mr. Montgomerie "burrred" a lot first, but Lady Katherine got him round, +and before breakfast was over it was decided she should write to Lord +Robert and ask him to come to the shoot. As we were all standing looking +out of the window at the dripping rain, I heard her say, in a low voice: + +"Really, Anderson, we must think of the girls sometimes. Torquilstone is +a confirmed bachelor and a cripple--Lord Robert will certainly one day +be duke." + +"Well, catch him if you can," said Mr. Montgomerie. He is coarse +sometimes. + +I am not going to let myself think much about Lord Robert. Mr. +Carruthers has been a lesson to me. But if he does come, I wonder if +Lady Katherine will think it funny of me not saying I knew him when she +first spoke of him. It is too late now, so it can't be helped. + +The Mackintosh party arrived this afternoon. Marriage must have quite +different effects on some people. Numbers of the married women we saw in +London were lovely--prettier, I always heard, than they had been +before--but Mary Mackintosh is perfectly awful. She can't be more than +twenty-seven, but she looks forty, at least; and stout, and sticking out +all in the wrong places, and flat where the stick-outs ought to be. And +the four children. The two eldest look much the same age, the next a +little smaller, and there is a baby, and they all squall, and although +they seem to have heaps of nurses, poor Mr. Mackintosh has to be a kind +of under one. He fetches and carries for them, and gives his +handkerchief when they slobber, but perhaps it is he feels proud that a +person of his size had these four enormous babies almost all at once +like that. + +The whole thing is simply dreadful. + +Tea was a pandemonium! The four aunts gushing over the infants, and +feeding them with cake, and gurgling with "tootsie-wootsie popsy-wopsy" +kind of noises. They will get to do "burrrrs," I am sure, when they get +older. I wonder if the infants will come down every afternoon when the +shoot happens. The guests will enjoy it. + +I said to Jean as we came up-stairs that I thought it seemed terrible to +get married; did not she? But she was shocked, and said no, marriage and +motherhood were sacred duties, and she envied her sister. + +This kind of thing is not my idea of bliss. Two really well-behaved +children would be delicious, I think; but four squalling imps all about +the same age is _bourgeois_, and not the affair of a lady. + +I suppose Lord Robert's answer cannot get here till about Saturday. I +wonder how he arranged it? It is clever of him. Lady Katherine said this +Mr. Campion who was coming is in the same regiment, the 3d Life Guards. +Perhaps when---- But there is no use my thinking about it, only somehow +I am feeling so much better to-night--gay, and as if I did not mind +being very poor--that I was obliged to tease Malcolm a little after +dinner. I _would_ play Patience, and never lifted my eyes from the +cards. + +He kept trying to say things to me to get me to go to the piano, but I +pretended I did not notice. A palm stands at the corner of a high +Chippendale writing-bureau, and Jessie happened to have put the +Patience-table behind that rather, so the rest of them could not see +everything that was happening. Malcolm at last sat very near beside me, +and wanted to help with the aces--but I can't bear people being close to +me, so I upset the board, and he had to pick up all the cards on the +floor. Kirstie, for a wonder, played the piano then--a cake-walk--and +there was something in it that made me feel I wanted to move--to dance, +to undulate--I don't know what--and my shoulders swayed a little in time +to the music. Malcolm breathed quite as if he had a cold, and said, +right in my ear, in a fat voice: + +"You know you are a devil--and I----" + +I stopped him at once, and looked up for the first time, absolutely +shocked and surprised. + +"Really, Mr. Montgomerie, I do not know what you mean," I said. + +He began to fidget. + +"Er--I mean--I mean--I awfully wish to kiss you." + +"But I do not a bit wish to kiss you," I said, and I opened my eyes wide +at him. + +He looked like a spiteful bantam, and fortunately at that moment Jessie +returned to the Patience, and he could not say any more. + +Lady Katherine and Mrs. Mackintosh came into my room on the way up to +bed. She--Lady Katherine--wanted to show Mary how beautifully they had +had it done up; it used to be hers before she married. They looked all +round at the dead-daffodil-colored cretonne and things, and at last I +could see their eyes often straying to my night-gown, and dressing-gown, +laid out on a chair beside the fire. + +"Oh, Lady Katherine, I am afraid you are wondering at my having pink +silk," I said, apologetically, "as I am in mourning; but I have not had +time to get a white dressing-gown yet." + +"It is not that, dear," said Lady Katherine, in a grave duty voice. +"I--I--do not think such a night-gown is suitable for a girl." + +"Oh, but I am very strong," I said. "I never catch cold." + +Mary Mackintosh held it up, with a face of stern disapproval. Of course +it has short sleeves ruffled with Valenciennes, and is fine linen +cambric nicely embroidered. Mrs. Carruthers was always very particular +about them, and chose them herself at Doucet's. She said one never could +know when places might catch on fire. + +"Evangeline, dear, you are very young, so you probably cannot +understand," Mary said. "But I consider this garment not in any way fit +for a girl, or for any good woman for that matter. Mother, I hope my +sisters have not seen it." + +I looked so puzzled. + +She examined the stuff, one could see the chair through it, beyond. + +"What _would_ Alexander say if I were to wear such a thing!" + +This thought seemed to almost suffocate them both; they looked genuinely +pained and shocked. + +"Of course it would be too tight for you," I said, humbly; "but it is +otherwise a very good pattern, and does not tear when one puts up one's +arms. Mrs. Carruthers made a fuss at Doucet's because my last set tore +so soon, and they altered these." + +At the mention of my late adopted mother, both of them pulled themselves +up. + +"Mrs. Carruthers, we know, had very odd notions," Lady Katherine said, +stiffly. "But I hope, Evangeline, you have sufficient sense to +understand now for yourself that such a--a--garment is not at all +seemly." + +"Oh, why not, dear Lady Katherine?" I said, "You don't know how becoming +it is." + +"Becoming!" almost screamed Mary Mackintosh, "But no nice-minded woman +wants things to look becoming in bed!" + +The whole matter appeared so painful to them I covered up the offending +"nighty" with my dressing-gown, and coughed. It made a break, and they +went away, saying good-night frigidly. + +And now I am alone. But I do wonder why it is wrong to look pretty in +bed, considering nobody sees one, too! + + + + + TRYLAND COURT, + + Monday, _November 14th._ + + +I have not felt like writing; these last days have been so stodgy--sticky, +I was going to say. Endless infant talk. The methods of head nurses, +teething, the knavish tricks of nursemaids, patent foods, bottles, +bibs--everything. Enough to put one off forever from wishing to get +married. And Mary Mackintosh sitting there all out of shape, expounding +theories that can have no results in practice, as there could not be +worse-behaved children than hers. + +They even try Lady Katherine, I can see, when the two eldest, who come in +while we are at breakfast each day, take the jam-spoon, or something +equally horrid, and dab it all over the cloth. Yesterday they put their +hands in the honey-dish which Mr. Montgomerie was helping himself to, and +then after smearing him (the "burrrs" were awful), they went round the +table to escape being caught, and fingered the backs of every one's chair +and the door-handle, so that one could not touch a thing without getting +sticky. + +"Alexander, dearie," Mary said. "Alec must have his mouth wiped." + +Poor Mr. Mackintosh had to get up and leave his breakfast, catch these +imps, and employ his table-napkin in vain. + +"Take 'em up-stairs, do--burrrr," roared their fond grandfather. + +"Oh, father, the poor darlings are not really naughty," Mary said, +offended. "I like them to be with us all as much as possible. I thought +they would be such a pleasure to you." + +Upon which, hearing the altercation, both infants set up a yell of fear +and rage, and Alec, the cherub of four and a half, lay on the floor and +kicked and screamed until he was black in the face. + +Mr. Mackintosh is too small to manage two, so one of the footmen had to +come and help him to carry them up to their nursery. Oh, I would not be in +his place for the world! + +Malcolm is becoming so funny. I suppose he is attracted by me. He makes +kind of love in a priggish way whenever he gets the chance, which is not +often, as Lady Katherine contrives to send one of the girls with us on all +our walks; or if we are in the drawing-room, she comes and sits down +beside us herself. I am glad, as it would be a great bore to listen to a +quantity of it. + +How silly of her, though! She can't know as much about men as even I do; +of course, it only makes him all the more eager. + +It is quite an object-lesson for me. I shall be impossibly difficult +myself if I meet Mr. Carruthers again, as he has no mother to play these +tricks for him. + +Lord Robert's answer came on Saturday afternoon. It was all done through +Lady Merrenden. + +He will be delighted to come and shoot on Tuesday, to-morrow. Oh, I am so +glad, but I do wonder if I shall be able to make him understand not to say +anything about having been at Branches while I was there. Such a simple +thing, but Lady Katherine is so odd and particular. + +The party is to be a large one--nine guns. I hope some will be amusing, +though I rather fear. + + + _Tuesday night._ + + +It is quite late, nearly twelve o'clock, but I feel so wide awake I must +write. + +I shall begin from the beginning, when every one arrived. + +They came by two trains early in the afternoon, and just at tea-time, and +Lord Robert was among the last lot. + +They are mostly the same sort as Lady Katherine, looking as good as gold; +but one woman, Lady Verningham, Lady Katherine's niece, is different, and +I liked her at once. + +She has lovely clothes, and an exquisite figure, and her hat on the right +way. She has charming manners, too, but one can see she is on a duty +visit. + +Even all this company did not altogether stop Mary Mackintosh laying down +the law upon domestic--infant domestic--affairs. We all sat in the big +drawing-room, and I caught Lady Verningham's eye, and we laughed together. +The first eye with a meaning in it I have seen since I left Branches. + +Everybody talked so agreeably, with pauses, not enjoying themselves at +all, when Jean and Kirstie began about their work, and explained it, and +tried to get orders, and Jessie and Maggie too, and specimens of it all +had to be shown, and prices fixed. I should hate to have to beg, even for +a charity. + +I felt quite uncomfortable for them, but they did not mind a bit, and +their victims were noble over it. + +Our parson at Branches always got so red and nervous when he had to ask +for anything, one could see he was quite a gentleman; but women are +different, I suppose. + +I longed for tea. + +While they are all very kind here, there is that asphyxiating atmosphere +of stiffness and decorum which affects every one who comes to Tryland. A +sort of "the gold must be tried by fire and the heart must be wrung by +pain" kind of suggestion about everything. + +They are extraordinarily cheerful, because it is a Christian virtue, +cheerfulness; not because they are brimming over with joy, or that lovely +feeling of being alive and not minding much what happens, you feel so +splendid, like I get on fine days. + +Everything they do has a reason, or a moral, in it. This party is because +pheasants have to be killed in November, and certain people have to be +entertained, and their charities can be assisted through them. Oh, if I +had a big house, and were rich, I would have lovely parties, with all +sorts of nice people, because I wanted to give them a good time and laugh +myself. Lady Verningham was talking to me just before tea, when the second +train-load arrived. + +I tried to be quite indifferent, but I did feel dreadfully excited when +Lord Robert walked in. Oh, he looked such a beautiful creature, so smart, +and straight, and lithe! + +Lady Katherine was frightfully stiff with him; it would have discouraged +most people, but that is the lovely part about Lord Robert, he is always +absolutely _sans gene_! + +He saw me at once, of course, and came over as straight as a die the +moment he could. + +"How do, Robert?" said Lady Verningham, giving him her fingers in such an +attractive way. "Why are you here, and why is our Campie not? Thereby +hangs some tale, I feel sure." + +"Why, yes," said Lord Robert, and he held her hand. Then he looked at me +with his eyebrow up. "But won't you introduce me to Miss Travers? To my +great surprise she seems to have forgotten me." + +I laughed, and Lady Verningham introduced us, and he sat down beside us, +and every one began tea. + +Lady Verningham had such a look in her eye! + +"Robert, tell me about it," she said. + +"I hear they have five thousand pheasants to slay," Lord Robert said, +looking at her with his innocent smile. + +"Robert, you are lying," she said, and she laughed. She is so pretty when +she laughs; not very young, over thirty I should think, but such a +charm--as different as different can be from the whole Montgomerie family. + +I hardly spoke; they continued to tease one another, and Lord Robert ate +most of a plate of bread-and-butter that was near. + +"I am damed hungry, Lady Ver!" he said. She smiled at him; she evidently +likes him very much. + +"Robert! You must not use such language here!" she said. + +"Oh, doesn't he say them often?--those dams!" I burst out, not thinking +for a moment; then I stopped, remembering. She did seem surprised. + +"So you have heard them before. I thought you had only just met casually," +she said, with such a comic look of understanding, but not absolutely +pleased. I stupidly got crimson. It did annoy me, because it shows so +dreadfully on my skin. She leaned back in her chair and laughed. + +"It is delightful to shoot five thousand pheasants, Robert," she said. + +"Now, isn't it?" replied Lord Robert. He had finished the +bread-and-butter. + +Then he told her she was a dear, and he was glad something had suggested +to Mr. Campion that he would have other views of living for this week. + +"You are a joy, Robert," she said. "But you will have to behave here. None +of the tricks you played at Fotherington in October, my child. Aunt +Katherine would put you in a corner. Miss Travers has been here a week, +and can tell you I am truthful about it." + +"Indeed, _yes_," I said. + +"But I _must_ know how you got here!" she commanded. + +Just then, fortunately, Malcolm, who had been hovering near, came up and +joined us, and would talk too; but if he had been a table or a chair he +could not have mattered less to Lord Robert. He is quite wonderful. He is +not the least rude, only perfectly simple and direct, always getting just +what he wants, with rather an appealing expression in his blue eyes. In a +minute or two he and I were talking together, and Malcolm and Lady +Verningham a few yards off. I felt so happy. He makes one like that, I +don't know for what reason. + +"Why did you look so stonily indifferent when I came up?" he asked. "I was +afraid you were annoyed with me for coming." + +Then I told him about Lady Katherine, and my stupidly not having mentioned +meeting him at Branches. + +"Oh, then I stayed with Christopher after you left, I see," he said. "Had +I met you in London?" + +"We won't tell any stories about it. They can think what they please." + +"Very well," he laughed. "I can see I shall have to manoeuvre a good +deal to talk quietly to you here, but you will stand with me, won't you, +out shooting to-morrow?" + +I told him I did not suppose we should be allowed to go out, except +perhaps for lunch, but he said he refused to believe in such cruelty. + +Then he asked me a lot of things about how I had been getting on, and what +I intended to do next. He has the most charming way of making one feel +that one knows him very well, he looks at one every now and then straight +in the eyes, with astonishing frankness. I have never seen any person so +quite without airs. I don't suppose he is ever thinking a bit the effect +he is producing. Nothing has two meanings with him, like with Mr. +Carruthers. If he had said I was to stay and marry him, I am sure he would +have meant it, and I really believe I should have stayed. + +"Do you remember our morning packing?" he said, presently, in such a +caressing voice. "I was so happy; weren't you?" + +I said I was. + +"And Christopher was mad with us. He was like a bear with a sore head +after you left, and insisted upon going up to town on Monday, just for the +day. He came over here on Tuesday, didn't he?" + +"No, he did not," I was obliged to say, and I felt cross about it still, I +don't know why. + +"He is a queer creature," said Lord Robert, "and I am glad you have not +seen him. I don't want him in the way. I am a selfish brute, you know." + +I said Mrs. Carruthers had always brought me up to know men were that, so +such a thing would not prejudice me against him. + +He laughed. "You must help me to come and sit and talk again after +dinner," he said. "I can see the red-haired son means you for himself, but +of course I shall not allow that." + +I became uppish. + +"Malcolm and I are great friends," I said, demurely. "He walks me round +the golf-course in the park, and gives me advice." + +"Confounded impertinence!" said Lord Robert. + +"He thinks I ought not to go to Claridge's alone when I leave here, in +case some one made love to me. He feels if I looked more like his sisters +it would be safer. I have promised that Veronique shall stay at the other +side of the door if I have visitors." + +"Oh, he is afraid of that, is he? Well, I think it is very probable his +fears will be realized, as I shall be in London," said Lord Robert. + +"But how do you know," I began, with a questioning, serious air--"how do +you know I should listen? You can't go on to deaf people, can you?" + +"Are you deaf?" he asked. "I don't think so; anyway, I would try to cure +your deafness." He bent close over to me, pretending to pick up a book. + +Oh, I was having such a nice time! + +All of a sudden I felt I was really living, the blood was jumping in my +veins, and a number of provoking, agreeable things came to the tip of my +tongue to say, and I said them. We were so happy. + +Lord Robert is such a beautiful shape, that pleased me too; the perfect +lines of things always give me a nice emotion. The other men look thick +and clumsy beside him, and he does have such lovely clothes and ties. + +We talked on and on. He began to show me he was deeply interested in me. +His eyes, so blue and expressive, said even more than his words. I like to +see him looking down; his eyelashes are absurdly long and curly, not jet +black like mine and Mr. Carruthers's, but dark brown and soft and shaded, +and, oh! I don't know how to say quite why they are so attractive. When +one sees them half resting on his cheek it makes one feel it would be nice +to put out the tip of one's finger and touch them. I never spent such a +delightful afternoon. Only, alas! it was all too short. + +"We will arrange to sit together after dinner," he whispered, as even +before the dressing-gong had rung, Lady Katherine came and fussed about, +and collected every one, and more or less drove them off to dress, saying, +on the way up-stairs, to me, that I need not come down if I had rather +not. + +I thanked her again, but remained firm in my intention of accustoming +myself to company. + +Stay in my room, indeed, with Lord Robert at dinner--never! + +However, when I did come down he was surrounded by Montgomeries, and +pranced into the dining-room with Lady Verningham. + +I had such a bore! A young Mackintosh, cousin of Mary's husband, and on +the other side the parson. The one talked about botany in a hoarse +whisper, with a Scotch accent, and the other gobbled his food, and made +kind of pious jokes in between the mouthfuls. + +I said, when I had borne it bravely up to the ices, I hated knowing what +flowers were composed of, I only liked to pick them. The youth stared, and +did not speak much more. For the parson, "Yes" now and then did, and like +that we got through dinner. + +Malcolm was opposite me, and he gaped most of the time. Even he might have +been better than the botanist, but I suppose Lady Katherine felt these two +would be a kind of half mourning for me. No one could have felt gay with +them. + +After dinner Lady Verningham took me over to a sofa with her, in a corner. +The sofas here don't have pillows, as at Branches, but fortunately this +one is a little apart, though not comfortable, and we could talk. + +"You poor child!" she said; "you had a dull time. I was watching you. What +did that Mactavish creature find to say to you?" + +I told her, and that his name was Mackintosh, not Mactavish. + +"Yes, I know," she said. "But I call the whole clan Mactavish; it is near +enough, and it does worry Mary so, she corrects me every time. Now don't +you want to get married, and be just like Mary?" There was a twinkle in +her eye. + +I said I had not felt wild about it yet. I wanted to go and see life +first. + +But she told me one couldn't see life unless one were married. + +"Not even if one is an adventuress, like me?" I asked. + +"A _what_?" + +"An adventuress," I said. "People do seem so astonished when I say that. I +have got to be one, you know, because Mrs. Carruthers never left me the +money after all, and in the book I read about it, it said you were that if +you had nice clothes, and--and--red hair--and things--and no home." + +She rippled all over with laughter. + +"You duck!" she said. "Now you and I will be friends. Only you must not +play with Robert Vavasour. He belongs to me. He is one of my special and +particular own pets. Is it a bargain?" + +I do wish now I had the pluck then to say straight out that I rather liked +Lord Robert, and would not make any bargain, but one is foolish sometimes +when taken suddenly. It is then when I suppose it shows if one's head is +screwed on, and mine wasn't to-night. But she looked so charming, and I +felt a little proud, and perhaps ashamed to show that I am very much +interested in Lord Robert, especially if he belongs to her, whatever that +means; and so I said it was a bargain, and of course I had never thought +of playing with him; but when I came to reflect afterwards, that is a +promise, I suppose, and I sha'n't be able to look at him any more under my +eyelashes. And I don't know why I feel very wide awake and tired, and +rather silly, and as if I wanted to cry to-night. + +However, she was awfully kind to me, and lovely, and has asked me to go +and stay with her, and lots of nice things, so it is all for the best, no +doubt. But when Lord Robert came in, and came over to us, it did feel hard +having to get up at once and go and pretend I wanted to talk to Malcolm. + +I did not dare to look up often, but sometimes, and I found Lord Robert's +eyes were fixed on me with an air of reproach and entreaty, and the last +time there was wrath as well. + +Lady Verningham kept him with her until every one started to go to bed. + +There had been music and bridge, and other boring diversions happening, +but I sat still. And I don't know what Malcolm had been talking about; I +had not been listening, though I kept murmuring "Yes" and "No." + +He got more and more _empresse_, until suddenly I realized he was saying, +as we rose: + +"You have promised! Now remember, and I shall ask you to keep +it--to-morrow." + +And there was such a loving, mawkish, wobbly look in his eyes, it made me +feel quite sick. The horrible part is I don't know what I have promised +any more than the man in the moon. It may be something perfectly dreadful, +for all I know. Well, if it is a fearful thing, like kissing him, I shall +have to break my word, which I never do for any consideration whatever. + +Oh, dear, oh, dear! It is not always so easy to laugh at life as I once +thought. I almost wish I were settled down, and had not to be an +adventuress. Some situations are so difficult. I think now I shall go to +bed. + +I wonder if Lord Robert---- No, what is the good of wondering; he is no +longer my affair. + +I shall blow out the light. + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + Saturday night, _November 19th._ + + +I do not much care to look back to the rest of my stay at Tryland. It is +an unpleasant memory. + +That next day after I last wrote, it poured with rain, and every one came +down cross to breakfast. The whole party appeared, except Lady Verningham, +and breakfast was just as stiff and boring as dinner. I happened to be +seated when Lord Robert came in, and Malcolm was in the place beside me. +Lord Robert hardly spoke, and looked at me once or twice with his eyebrows +right up. + +I did long to say it was because I had promised Lady Ver I would not play +with him that I was not talking to him now like the afternoon before. I +wonder if he ever guessed it. Oh, I wished then, and I have wished a +hundred times since, that I had never promised at all. It seemed as if it +would be wisest to avoid him, as how could I explain the change in myself? +I hated the food, and Malcolm had such an air of proprietorship it annoyed +me as much as I could see it annoyed Lady Katherine. I sniffed at him, and +was as disagreeable as could be. + +The breakfasts there don't shine, and porridge is pressed upon people by +Mr. Montgomerie. "Capital stuff to begin the day--burrrr," he says. + +Lord Robert could not find anything he wanted, it seemed. Every one was +peevish. Lady Katherine has a way of marshalling people on every occasion; +she reminds me of a hen with chickens, putting her wings down and clucking +and chasing till they are all in a corner. And she is rather that shape, +too, very much rounded in front. The female brood soon found themselves in +the morning-room, with the door shut, and no doubt the male things fared +the same with their host--anyway, we saw no more of them till we caught +sight of them passing the windows in scutums and mackintoshes, a depressed +company of sportsmen. + +The only fortunate part was that Malcolm had found no opportunity to +remind me of my promise, whatever it was, and I felt safer. + +Oh, that terrible morning! Much worse than when we were alone; nearly all +of them, about seven women beyond the family, began fancy-work. + +One, a Lady Letitia Smith, was doing a crewel silk blotting-book that made +me quite bilious to look at, and she was very short-sighted, and had such +an irritating habit of asking every one to match her threads for her. They +knitted ties and stockings, and crocheted waistcoats and comforters and +hoods for the North Sea fishermen, and one even tatted. Just like +housemaids do in their spare hours to trim Heaven knows what garment of +unbleached calico. + +I asked her what it was for, and she said for the children's pinafores in +her "guild" work. If one doesn't call that waste of time, I wonder what +is. + +Mrs. Carruthers said it was much more useful to learn to sit still and not +fidget than to fill the world with rubbish like this. + +Mary Mackintosh dominated the conversation. She and Lady Letitia Smith, +who have both small babies, revelled in nursery details, and then +whispered bits for us, the young girls not to hear. We caught scraps +though, and it sounded grewsome, whatever it was about. Oh, I do wonder +when I get married if I shall grow like them! + +I hope not. + +It is no wonder married men are obliged to say gallant things to other +people, if, when they get home, their wives are like that. + +I tried to be agreeable to a lady who was next me. She was a Christian +Scientist, and wore glasses. She endeavored to convert me, but I was +abnormally thick-headed that day, and had to have things explained over +and over, so she gave it up at last. + +Finally, when I felt I should do something desperate, a footman came to +say Lady Verningham wished to see me in her room, and I bounded up, but as +I got to the door I saw them beginning to shake their heads over her. + +"Sad that dear Ianthe has such irregular habits of breakfasting in her +room; so bad for her," etc., etc. But, thank Heaven, I was soon outside in +the hall, where her maid was waiting for me. + +One would hardly have recognized that it was a Montgomerie apartment, the +big room overlooking the porch, where she was located, so changed did its +aspect seem. She had numbers of photographs about, and the loveliest gold +toilet things, and lots of frilled garments, and flowers, and +scent-bottles; and her own pillows propping her up, all blue silk, and +lovely muslin embroideries; and she did look such a sweet, cosey thing +among it all, her dark hair in fluffs round her face, and an angelic lace +cap over it. She was smoking a cigarette, and writing numbers of letters +with a gold stylograph pen. The blue silk quilt was strewn with +correspondence, and newspapers, and telegraph forms. And her garment was +low-necked, of course, and thin like mine. I wondered what Alexander would +have thought if he could have seen her in contrast to Mary. I know which I +would choose if I were a man. + +"Oh, there you are!" she exclaimed, looking up, and puffing smoke clouds. +"Sit on the bye-bye, snake-girl. I felt I must rescue you from the hoard +of holies below, and I wanted to look at you in the daylight. Yes, you +have extraordinary hair, and real eyelashes and complexion, too. You are a +witch thing, I can see, and we shall all have to beware of you." + +I smiled. She did not say it rudely, or I should have been uppish at once. +She has a wonderful charm. + +"You don't speak much, either," she continued. "I feel you are dangerous. +That is why I am being so civil to you; I think it wisest. I can't stand +girls as a rule." And she went into one of her ripples of laughter. "Now +say you will not hurt me." + +"I should not hurt any one," I said. "Unless they hurt me first, and I +like you, you are so pretty." + +"That is all right," she said. "Then we are comrades. I was frightened +about Robert last evening, because I am so attached to him; but you were a +darling after dinner, and it will be all right now. I told him you would +probably marry Malcolm Montgomerie, and he was not to interfere." + +"I shall do nothing of the kind!" I exclaimed, moving off the bed. "I +would as soon die as spend the rest of my life here at Tryland." + +"He will be fabulously rich one day, you know, and you could get round +pere Montgomerie in a trice, and revolutionize the whole place. You had +better think of it." + +"I won't," I said, and I felt my eyes sparkle. She put up her hands as if +to ward off an evil spirit, and she laughed again. "Well, you sha'n't +then. Only don't flash those emeralds at me; they give me quivers all +over." + +"Would _you_ like to marry Malcolm?" I asked and I sat down again. "Fancy +being owned by that! Fancy seeing it every day! Fancy living with a person +who never sees a joke from week's end to week's end! Oh!" + +"As for that--" and she puffed smoke. "Husbands are a race apart--there +are men, women, and husbands; and if they pay bills, and shoot big game in +Africa, it is all one ought to ask of them; to be able to see jokes is +superfluous. Mine is most inconvenient, because he generally adores me, +and at best only leaves me for a three weeks' cure at Homburg, and now and +then a week at Paris; but Malcolm could be sent to the Rocky Mountains, +and places like that, continuously; he is quite a sportsman." + +"That is not my idea of a husband," I said. + +"Well, what is your idea, snake-girl?" + +"Why do you call me 'snake-girl'?" I asked. "I hate snakes." + +She took her cigarette out of her mouth, and looked at me for some +seconds. + +"Because you are so sinuous; there is not a stiff line about your +movements, you are utterly wicked-looking and attractive, too, and +un-English, and what in the world Aunt Katherine asked you here for with +those hideous girls I can't imagine. I would not have, if my three angels +were grown up, and like them--" Then she showed me the photographs of her +three angels--they are pets. + +But my looks seemed to bother her, for she went back to them. + +"Where do you get them from? Was your mother some other nation?" + +I told her how poor mamma had been rather an accident, and was nobody +much. "One could not tell, you see; she might have had any quaint creature +beyond the grand-parents--perhaps I am mixed with Red Indian or nigger." + +She looked at me searchingly. + +"No, you are not; you are Venetian. That is it--some wicked, beautiful +friend of a Doge, come to life again." + +"I know I am wicked," I said. "I am always told it; but I have not done +anything yet, or had any fun out of it, and I do want to." + +She laughed again. + +"Well, you must come to London with me when I leave here on Saturday, and +we will see what we can do." + +This sounded so nice, and yet I had a feeling that I wanted to refuse; if +there had been a tone of patronage in her voice, I would have in a minute. +We sat and talked a long time, and she did tell me some interesting +things. The world, she assured me, was a delightful place if one could +escape bores, and had a good cook and a few friends. After a while I left +her, as she suddenly thought she would come down to luncheon. + +"I don't think it would be safe, at the present stage, to leave you alone +with Robert," she said. + +I was angry. + +"I have promised not to play with him; is that not enough?" I exclaimed. + +"Do you know, I believe it is, snake-girl," she said, and there was +something wistful in her eyes; "but you are twenty, and I am past thirty, +and--he is a man. So one can't be too careful." Then she laughed, and I +left her putting a toe into a blue satin slipper and ringing for her +maid. + +I don't think age can matter much; she is far more attractive than any +girl, and she need not pretend she is afraid of me. But the thing that +struck me then, and has always struck me since, is that to have to _hold_ +a man by one's own manoeuvres could not be agreeable to one's +self-respect. I would _never_ do that under any circumstances; if he would +not stay because it was the thing he wanted to do most in the world, he +might go. I should say, "Je m'en fiche!" + +At luncheon, for which the guns came in--no nice picnic in a lodge as at +Branches--I purposely sat between two old gentlemen, and did my best to be +respectful and intelligent. One was quite a nice old thing, and at the end +began paying me compliments. He laughed and laughed at everything I said. +Opposite me were Malcolm and Lord Robert, with Lady Ver between them. They +both looked sulky. It was quite a while before she could get them gay and +pleasant. I did not enjoy myself. + +After it was over, Lord Robert deliberately walked up to me. + +"Why are you so capricious?" he asked. "I won't be treated like this. You +know very well I have only come here to see you. We are such friends--or +were. Why?" + +Oh, I did want to say I was friends still, and would love to talk to him. +He seemed so adorably good-looking, and such a shape! And his blue eyes +had the nicest flash of anger in them. + +I could have kept my promise to the letter, and yet broken it in the +spirit, easily enough, by letting him understand by inference; but of +course one could not be so mean as that when one was going to eat her +salt, so I looked out of the window and answered coldly that I was quite +friendly and did not understand him, and I immediately turned to my old +gentleman and walked with him into the library. In fact, I was as cool as +I could be without being actually rude, but all the time there was a flat, +heavy feeling round my heart. He looked so cross and reproachful, and I +did not like him to think me capricious. + +We did not see them again until tea--the sportsmen, I mean. But tea at +Tryland is not a friendly time; it is just as stiff as other meals. Lady +Ver never let Lord Robert leave her side, and immediately after tea +everybody who stayed in the drawing-room played bridge, where they were +planted until the dressing-bell rang. + +One would have thought Lady Katherine would have disapproved of cards, but +I suppose every one must have one contradiction about them, for she loves +bridge, and played for the lowest stakes with the air of a "needy +adventurer" as the books say. + +I can't write the whole details of the rest of the visit. I was miserable, +and that is the truth. Fate seemed to be against Lord Robert speaking to +me, even when he tried, and I felt I must be extra cool and nasty because +I--oh, well, I may as well say it--he attracts me very much. I never once +looked at him from under my eyelashes, and after the next day he did not +even try to have an explanation. + +He glanced with wrath sometimes, especially when Malcolm hung over me, and +Lady Ver said his temper was dreadful. + +She was so sweet to me, it almost seemed as if she wanted to make up to me +for not letting me play with Lord Robert. + +(Of course, I would not allow her to see I minded that.) + +And finally Friday came, and the last night. + +I sat in my room from tea until dinner. I could not stand Malcolm any +longer. I had fenced with him rather well up to then, but that promise of +mine hung over me. I nipped him every time he attempted to explain what it +was, and to this moment I don't know, but it did not prevent him from +saying tiresome, loving things, mixed with priggish advice. I don't know +what would have happened, only when he got really horribly affectionate, +just after tea, I was so exasperated I launched this bomb. + +"I don't believe a word you are saying--your real interest is Angela +Grey." + +He nearly had a fit, and shut up at once. So, of course, it is not a +horse. I felt sure of it. Probably one of those people Mrs. Carruthers +said all young men knew--their adolescent measles and chicken-pox, she +called them. + +All the old men talked a great deal to me, and even the other two young +ones; but these last days I did not seem to have any of my usual spirits. +Just as we were going to bed on Friday night Lord Robert came up to Lady +Ver; she had her hand through my arm. + +"I can come to the play with you on Saturday night, after all," he said. +"I have wired to Campion to make a fourth, and you will get some other +woman, won't you?" + +"I will try," said Lady Ver, and she looked right into his eyes; then she +turned to me. "I shall feel so cruel leaving you alone, Evangeline" (at +once, almost, she called me Evangeline; I should never do that with +strangers), "but I suppose you ought not to be seen at a play just yet." + +"I like being alone," I said. "I shall go to sleep early." + +Then they settled to dine all together at her house, and go on; so, +knowing I should see him again, I did not even say good-bye to Lord +Robert, and he left by the early train. + +A number of the guests came up to London with us. + +My leave-taking with Lady Katherine had been coldly cordial. I thanked her +deeply for her kindness in asking me there. She did not renew the +invitation; I expect she felt a person like me, who would have to look +after themselves, was not a suitable companion to her altar-cloth and +poker workers. + +Up to now, she told Lady Ver, of course I had been most carefully brought +up and taken care of by Mrs. Carruthers, although she had not approved of +her views. And having done her best for me at this juncture, saving me +from staying alone with Mr. Carruthers, she felt it was all she was called +upon to do. She thought my position would become too unconventional for +their circle in future! Lady Ver told me all this with great glee. She +was sure it would amuse me, it so amused her, but it made me a teeny bit +remember the story of the boys and the frogs! + +Lady Ver now and then puts out a claw which scratches, while she ripples +with laughter. Perhaps she does not mean it. + +This house is nice, and full of pretty things, as far as I have seen. We +arrived just in time to fly into our clothes for dinner. I am in a wee +room four stories up, by the three angels. I was down first, and Lord +Robert and Mr. Campion were in the drawing-room. Sir Charles Verningham is +in Paris, by-the-way, so I have not seen him yet. + +Lord Robert was stroking the hair of the eldest angel, who had not gone to +bed. The loveliest thing she is, and so polite, and different to Mary +Mackintosh's infants. + +He introduced Mr. Campion stiffly, and returned to Mildred--the angel. + +Suddenly mischief came into me, the reaction from the last dull days; so I +looked straight at Mr. Campion from under my eyelashes, and it had the +effect it always has on people--he became interested at once. I don't know +why this does something funny to them. I remember I first noticed it in +the school-room at Branches. I was doing a horrible exercise upon the +_participe passe_, and feeling very _egaree_, when one of the old +ambassadors came in to see mademoiselle. I looked up quickly, with my head +a little down, and he said to mademoiselle, in a low voice, in German, +that I had the strangest eyes he had ever seen, and that uplook under the +eyelashes was the affair of the devil! + +Now I knew even then the affair of the devil is something attractive, so I +have never forgotten it, although I was only about fifteen at the time. I +always determined I would try it when I grew up and wanted to create +emotions. Except Mr. Carruthers and Lord Robert, I have never had much +chance, though. + +Mr. Campion sat down beside me on a sofa, and began to say at once that I +ought to be going to the play with them. I spoke in my velvet voice, and +said I was in too deep mourning, and he apologized so nicely, rather +confused. + +He is quite a decent-looking person, smart and well groomed, like Lord +Robert, but not that lovely shape. We talked on for about ten minutes. I +said very little, but he never took his eyes off my face. All the time I +was conscious that Lord Robert was fidgeting and playing with a china cow +that was on a table near, and just before the butler announced Mrs. +Fairfax he dropped it on the floor and broke its tail off. + +Mrs. Fairfax is not pretty; she has reddish-gold hair, with brown roots, +and a very dark skin, but it is nicely done--the hair, I mean, and perhaps +the skin too, as sideways you can see the pink sticking up on it. It must +be rather a nuisance to have to do all that, but it is certainly better +than looking like Mary Mackintosh. She doesn't balance nicely--bits of her +are too long or too short. I do like to see everything in the right +place--like Lord Robert's figure. Lady Ver came in just then, and we all +went down to dinner. Mrs. Fairfax gushed at her a good deal. Lady Ver does +not like her much--she told me in the train--but she was obliged to wire +to her to come, as she could not get any one else Mr. Campion liked on so +short a notice. + +"The kind of woman every one knows, and who has no sort of pride," she +said. + +Well, even when I am really an adventuress I sha'n't be like that. + +Dinner was very gay. + +Lady Ver, away from her decorous relations, is most amusing. She says +anything that comes into her head. Mrs. Fairfax got cross because Mr. +Campion would speak to me; but as I did not particularly take to her, I +did not mind, and just amused myself. As the party was so small, Lord +Robert and I were obliged to talk a little, and once or twice I forgot +and let myself be natural and smile at him. His eyebrows went up in that +questioning, pathetic way he has, and he looked so attractive--that made +me remember again, and instantly turn away. When we were coming into the +hall, while Lady Ver and Mrs. Fairfax were up putting on their cloaks, +Lord Robert came up close to me and whispered: + +"I _can't_ understand you. There is some reason for your treating me like +this, and I will find it out. Why are you so cruel, little, wicked tiger +cat?" and he pinched one of my fingers until I could have cried out. + +That made me so angry. + +"How dare you touch me!" I said. "It is because you know I have no one to +take care of me that you presume like this." + +I felt my eyes blaze at him, but there was a lump in my throat. I would +not have been hurt if it had been any one else, only angry; but he had +been so respectful and gentle with me at Branches, and I had liked him so +much. It seemed more cruel for him to be impertinent now. + +His face fell; indeed, all the fierceness went out of it, and he looked +intensely miserable. + +"Oh, don't say that!" he said, in a choked voice. "I--oh, that is the one +thing you know is not true." + +Mr. Campion, with his fur coat fastened, came up at that moment, saying +gallant things, and insinuating that we must meet again, but I said +good-night quietly, and came up the stairs without a word more to Lord +Robert. + +"Good-night, Evangeline, pet," Lady Ver said, when I met her on the +drawing-room landing, coming down. "I do feel a wretch, leaving you, but +to-morrow I will really try and amuse you. You look very pale, child; the +journey has tried you, probably." + +"Yes, I am tired," I tried to say in a natural voice, but the end word +shook a little, and Lord Robert was just behind, having run up the stairs +after me, so I fear he must have heard. + +"Miss Travers--please--" he implored, but I walked on up the next flight, +and Lady Ver put her hand on his arm and drew him down with her, and as I +got up to the fourth floor I heard the front door shut. + +And now they are gone and I am alone. My tiny room is comfortable, and the +fire is burning brightly. I have a big arm-chair and books, and this, my +journal, and all is cosey--only I feel so miserable. + +I won't cry and be a silly coward. + +Why, of course it is amusing to be free. And I am _not_ grieving over Mrs. +Carruthers's death--only perhaps I am lonely, and I wish I were at the +theatre. No, I don't--I--Oh, the thing I do wish is that--that--_no_, I +won't write it even. + +Good-night, journal! + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + Wednesday, _November 23d._ + + +Oh, how silly to want the moon! But that is evidently what is the matter +with me. Here I am in a comfortable house with a kind hostess, and no +immediate want of money, and yet I am restless, and sometimes unhappy. + +For the four days since I arrived Lady Ver has been so kind to me, taken +the greatest pains to try and amuse me and cheer me up. We have driven +about in her electric brougham and shopped, and agreeable people have been +to lunch each day, and I have had what I suppose is a _succes_. At least +she says so. + +I am beginning to understand things better, and it seems one must have no +real feelings, just as Mrs. Carruthers always told me, if one wants to +enjoy life. + +On two evenings Lady Ver has been out, with numbers of regrets at leaving +me behind, and I have gathered that she has seen Lord Robert, but he has +not been here, I am glad to say. + +I am real friends with the angels, who are delightful people, and very +well brought up. Lady Ver evidently knows much better about it than Mary +Mackintosh, although she does not talk in that way. + +I can't think what I am going to do next. I suppose soon this kind of +drifting will seem quite natural, but at present the position galls me for +some reason. I _hate_ to think people are being kind out of charity. How +very foolish of me, though! + +Lady Merrenden is coming to lunch to-morrow. I am interested to see her, +because Lord Robert said she was such a dear. I wonder what has become of +him. He has not been here--I wonder--No, I am _too_ silly. + +Lady Ver does not get up to breakfast, and I go into her room and have +mine on another little tray, and we talk, and she reads me bits out of her +letters. + +She seems to have a number of people in love with her--that must be nice. + +"It keeps Charlie always devoted," she said, "because he realizes he owns +what the other men want." + +She says, too, that all male creatures are fighters by nature; they don't +value things they obtain easily, and which are no trouble to keep. You +must always make them realize you will be off like a snipe if they relax +their efforts to please you for one moment. + +Of course there are heaps of humdrum ways of living, where the husband is +quite fond, but it does not make his heart beat, and Lady Ver says she +couldn't stay on with a man whose heart she couldn't make beat when she +wanted to. + +I am curious to see Sir Charles. + +They play bridge a good deal in the afternoon, and it amuses me a little +to talk nicely to the man who is out for the moment, and make him not want +to go back to the game. + +I am learning a number of things. + + + _Night._ + + +Mr. Carruthers came to call this afternoon. He was the last person I +expected to see when I went into the drawing-room after luncheon, to wait +for Lady Ver. I had my out-door things on, and a big black hat, which is +rather becoming, I am glad to say. + +"You here!" he exclaimed, as we shook hands. + +"Yes, why not me?" I said. + +He looked very self-contained and reserved, I thought, as if he had not +the least intention of letting himself go to display any interest. It +instantly aroused in me an intention to change all that. + +"Lady Verningham kindly asked me to spend a few days with her when we left +Tryland," I said, demurely. + +"Oh, you are staying here! Well, I was over at Tryland the day before +yesterday--an elaborate invitation from Lady Katherine to 'dine and sleep +quietly,' which I only accepted as I thought I should see you." + +"How good of you," I said, sweetly. "And did they not tell you I had gone +with Lady Verningham?" + +"Nothing of the kind. They merely announced that you had departed for +London, so I supposed it was your original design of Claridge's, and I +intended going round there some time to find you." + +Again I said it was so good of him, and I looked down. + +He did not speak for a second or two, and I remained perfectly still. + +"What are your plans?" he asked, abruptly. + +"I have no plans." + +"But you must have--that is ridiculous--you must have made some decision +as to where you are going to live!" + +"No, I assure you," I said, calmly, "when I leave here on Saturday I shall +just get into a cab and think of some place for it to take me to, I +suppose, as we turn down Park Lane." + +He moved uneasily, and I glanced at him up from under my hat. I don't know +why he does not attract me now as much as he did at first. There is +something so cold and cynical about his face. + +"Listen, Evangeline," he said, at last. "Something must be settled for +you. I cannot allow you to drift about like this. I am more or less your +guardian, you know--you must feel that." + +"I don't a bit," I said. + +"You impossible little--witch." He came closer. + +"Yes, Lady Verningham says I am a witch, and a snake, and all sorts of +bad, attractive things, and I want to go somewhere where I shall be able +to show these qualities. England is dull. What do you think of Paris?" + +Oh, it did amuse me launching forth these remarks; they would never come +into my head for any one else! + +He walked across the room and back. His face was disturbed. + +"You shall not go to Paris--alone. How can you even suggest such a thing?" +he said. + +I did not speak. He grew exasperated. + +"Your father's people are all dead, you tell me, and you know nothing of +your mother's relations. But who was she? What was her name? Perhaps we +could discover some kith and kin for you." + +"My mother was called Miss Tonkins," I said. + +"_Called_ Miss Tonkins?" + +"Yes." + +"Then it was not her name. What do you mean?" + +I hated these questions. + +"I suppose it was her name. I never heard she had another." + +"Tonkins," he said--"Tonkins," and he looked searchingly at me with his +monk-of-the-Inquisition air. + +I can be so irritating, not telling people things, when I like, and it was +quite a while before he elicited the facts from me, which Mrs. Carruthers +had often hurled at my head in moments of anger, that poor mamma's father +had been Lord de Brandreth and her mother, Heaven knows who! + +"So you see," I ended with, "I haven't any relations, after all, have I?" + +He sat down upon the sofa. + +"Evangeline, there is nothing for it; you must marry me," he said. + +I sat down opposite him. + +"Oh, you are funny!" I said. "You, a clever diplomat, to know so little of +women! Who in the world would accept such an offer?" and I laughed and +laughed. + +"What am I to do with you?" he exclaimed, angrily. + +"Nothing." I laughed still, and I looked at him with my +"affair-of-the-devil" look. He came over and forcibly took my hand. + +"Yes, you are a witch," he said--"a witch who casts spells and destroys +resolutions and judgments. I determined to forget you, and put you out of +my life--you are most unsuitable to me, you know--but as soon as I see you +I am filled with only one desire. I _must_ have you for myself. I want to +kiss you--to touch you. I want to prevent any other man from looking at +you--do you hear me, Evangeline?" + +"Yes, I hear," I said; "but it does not have any effect on me. You would +be awful as a husband. Oh, I know all about them!" and I looked up. "I saw +several sorts at Tryland, and Lady Verningham has told me of the rest, and +I know you would be no earthly good in that role!" + +He laughed, in spite of himself, but he still held my hand. + +"Describe their types to me, that I may see which I should be," he said, +with great seriousness. + +"There is the Mackintosh kind--humble and 'titsy pootsy,' and a sort of +under-nurse," I said. + +"That is not my size, I fear." + +"Then there is the Montgomerie--selfish and bullying, and near about +money." + +"But I am not Scotch." + +"No--well, Lord Kestervin was English, and he fussed and worried, and +looked out trains all the time." + +"I will have a groom of the chambers." + +"And they were all casual and indifferent to their poor wives--and +boresome--and bored! And one told long stories, and one was stodgy, and +one opened his wife's letters before she was down!" + +"Tell me the attributes of a perfect husband, then, that I may learn +them," he said. + +"They have to pay all the bills----" + +"Well, I could do that." + +"And they have not to interfere with one's movements. And one must be able +to make their hearts beat." + +"Well, you could do _that_!" and he bent nearer to me. I drew back. + +"And they have to take long journeys to the Rocky Mountains for months +together, with men friends." + +"Certainly not!" he exclaimed. + +"There, you see!" I said; "the most important part you don't agree to. +There is no use talking further." + +"Yes, there is! You have not said half enough. Have they to make your +heart beat, too?" + +"You are hurting my hand." + +He dropped it. + +"Have they?" + +"Lady Ver said no husband could do that. The fact of their being one kept +your heart quite quiet, and often made you yawn; but she said it was not +necessary, as long as you could make theirs so that they would do all you +asked." + +"Then do women's hearts never beat--did she tell you?" + +"Of course they beat. How simple you are for thirty years old! They beat +constantly for--oh--for people who are not husbands." + +"That is the result of your observations, is it? You are probably right +and I am a fool." + +"Some one said at lunch yesterday that a beautiful lady in Paris had her +heart beating for you," I said, looking at him again. + +He changed--so very little. It was not a start, or a wince even--just +enough for me to know he felt what I said. + +"People are too kind," he said. "But we have got no nearer the point. When +will you marry me?" + +"I shall marry you--never! Mr. Carruthers," I said, "unless I get into an +old maid soon and no one else asks me! Then if you go on your knees I may +put out the tip of my fingers, perhaps!" and I moved towards the door, +making him a sweeping and polite courtesy. + +He rushed after me. + +"Evangeline!" he exclaimed. "I am not a violent man as a rule; indeed, I +am rather cool, but you would drive any one perfectly mad. Some day some +one will strangle you--witch!" + +"Then I had better run away to save my neck," I said, laughing over my +shoulder as I opened the door and ran up the stairs, and I peeped at him +from the landing above. He had come out into the hall. "Good-bye," I +called, and, without waiting to see Lady Ver, he tramped down the stairs +and away. + +"Evangeline, what _have_ you been doing?" she asked, when I got into her +room, where her maid was settling her veil before the glass, and trembling +over it. Lady Ver is sometimes fractious with her--worse than I am with +Veronique, far. + +"Evangeline, you look naughtier than ever--confess at once." + +"I have been as good as gold," I said. + +"Then why are those two emeralds sparkling so, may one ask?" + +"They are sparkling with conscious virtue," I said, demurely. + +"You have quarrelled with Mr. Carruthers--go away, Welby! Stupid woman, +can't you see it catches my nose!" + +Welby retired meekly. (After she is cross, Lady Ver sends Welby to the +theatre. Welby adores her.) + +"Evangeline, how dare you! I see it all. I gathered bits from Robert. You +have quarrelled with the very man you must marry!" + +"What does Lord Robert know about me?" I said. That made me angry. + +"Nothing; he only said Mr. Carruthers admired you at Branches." + +"Oh!" + +"He is too attractive--Christopher! He is one of the 'married women's +pets,' as Ada Fairfax says, and has never spoken to a girl before. You +ought to be grateful we have let him look at you--minx!--instead of +quarrelling, as I can see you have." She rippled with laughter, while she +pretended to scold me. + +"Surely I may be allowed that chastened diversion!" I said. "I can't go to +theatres!" + +"Tell me about it," she commanded, tapping her foot. + +But early in Mrs. Carruthers's days I learned that one is wiser when one +keeps one's own affairs to one's self, so I fenced a little, and laughed, +and we went out to drive finally, without her being any the wiser. Going +into the park, we came upon a troop of the 3d Life Guards, who had been +escorting the king to open something, and there rode Lord Robert in his +beautiful clothes and a floating plume. He did look so lovely, and _my_ +heart suddenly began to beat--I could feel it, and was ashamed, and it did +not console me greatly to reflect that the emotion caused by a uniform is +not confined to nursemaids. + +Of course it must have been the uniform and the black horse--Lord Robert +is nothing to me. But I hate to think that, mamma's mother having been +nobody, I should have inherited these common instincts! + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + Thursday evening, _November 24th._ + + +Lady Merrenden is so nice--one of those kind faces that even a tight +fringe in a net does not spoil. She is tall and graceful, past fifty +perhaps, and has an expression of Lord Robert about the eyes. At luncheon +she was sweet to me at once, and did not look as if she thought I must be +bad just because I have red hair, like elderly ladies do generally. + +I felt I wanted to be good and nice directly. She did not allude to my +desolate position or say anything without tact, but she asked me to lunch +as if I had been a queen and would honor her by accepting. For some reason +I could see Lady Ver did not wish me to go--she made all sorts of excuses +about wanting me herself--but also, for some reason, Lady Merrenden was +determined I should, and finally settled it should be on Saturday, when +Lady Ver is going down to Northumberland to her father's, and I am +going--where? Alas! as yet I know not. + +When she had gone Lady Ver said old people without dyed hair or bridge +proclivities were tiresome, and she smoked three cigarettes, one after +the other as fast as she could. (Welby is going to the theatre again +to-night!) + +I said I thought Lady Merrenden was charming. She snapped my head off for +the first time, and then there was silence, but presently she began to +talk, and fix herself in a most becoming way on the sofa--we were in her +own sitting-room, a lovely place, all blue silk and French furniture and +attractive things. She said she had a cold and must stay in-doors. She had +changed immediately into a tea-gown, but I could not hear any cough. + +"Charlie has just wired he comes back to-night," she announced, at length. + +"How nice for you!" I sympathized; "you will be able to make his heart +beat!" + +"As a matter of fact, it is extremely inconvenient, and I want you to be +nice to him, and amuse him, and take his attention off me, like a pet, +Evangeline," she cooed; and then: "What a lovely afternoon for November! I +wish I could go for a walk in the park," she said. + +I felt it would be cruel to tease her further, and so announced my +intention of taking exercise in that way with the angels. + +"Yes, it will do you good, dear child," she said, brightly, "and I will +rest here and take care of my cold." + +"They have asked me to tea in the nursery," I said, "and I have accepted." + +"Jewel of a snake-girl!" she laughed--she is not thick. + +"Do you know the Torquilstone history?" she said, just as I was going out +of the door. + +I came back--why, I can't imagine, but it interested me. + +"Robert's brother--half-brother, I mean--the duke, is a cripple, you know, +and he is _toque_ on one point too--their blue blood. He will never marry, +but he can cut Robert off with almost the bare title if he displeases +him." + +"Yes," I said. + +"Torquilstone's mother was one of the housemaids. The old duke married her +before he was twenty-one, and she, fortunately, joined her beery ancestors +a year or so afterwards; and then much later he married Robert's mother, +Lady Etheldrida Fitz Walter. There is sixteen years between them--Robert +and Torquilstone, I mean." + +"Then what is he _toque_ about blue blood for, with a _tache_ like that?" +I asked. + +"That is just it. He thinks it is such a disgrace that even if he were +not a humpback he says he would never marry to transmit this stain to the +future Torquilstones--and if Robert ever marries any one without a +pedigree enough to satisfy an Austrian prince, he will disown him and +leave every sou to charity." + +"Poor Lord Robert!" I said, but I felt my cheeks burn. + +"Yes, is it not tiresome for him? So, of course, he cannot marry until his +brother's death, there is almost no one in England suitable." + +"It is not so bad, after all," I said; "there is always the delicious role +of the 'married woman's pet,' open to him, isn't there?" and I laughed. + +"Little cat!" but she wasn't angry. + +"I told you I only scratched when I was scratched first," I said, as I +went out of the room. + +The angels had started for their walk, and Veronique had to come with me +at first to find them. We were walking fast down the path beyond Stanhope +Gate, seeing their blue velvet pelisses in the distance, when we met Mr. +Carruthers. + +He stopped and turned with me. + +"Evangeline, I was so angry with you yesterday," he said. "I very nearly +left London and abandoned you to your fate, but now that I have seen you +again--" He paused. + +"You think Paris is a long way off!" I said, innocently. + +"What have they been telling you?" he said, sternly, but he was not quite +comfortable. + +"They have been saying it is a fine November, and the Stock Exchange is no +place to play in, and if it weren't for bridge they would all commit +suicide. That is what we talk of at Park Street." + +"You know very well what I mean. What have they been telling you about +me?" + +"Nothing, except that there is a charming French lady who adores you, and +whom you are devoted to--and I am so sympathetic. I like Frenchwomen, they +put on their hats so nicely." + +"What ridiculous gossip! I don't think Park Street is the place for you to +stay. I thought you had more mind than to chatter like this." + +"I suit myself to my company." I laughed, and waited for Veronique, who +had stopped respectfully behind. She came up reluctantly. She disapproves +of all English unconventionality, but she feels it her duty to encourage +Mr. Carruthers. + +"Should she run on and stop the young ladies," she suggested, pointing to +the angels in front. + +"Yes, do," said Mr. Carruthers, and before I could prevent her she was +off. + +Traitress! She was thinking of her own comfortable quarters at Branches, I +know. + +The sharp, fresh air got into my head. I felt gay, and without care. I +said heaps of things to Mr. Carruthers, just as I had once before to +Malcolm, only this was much more fun, because Mr. Carruthers isn't a +red-haired Scotchman and can see things. + +It seemed a day of meetings, for when we got down to the end we +encountered Lord Robert walking leisurely in our direction. He looked as +black as night when he caught sight of us. + +"Hello, Bob!" said Mr. Carruthers, cheerfully. "Ages since I saw you. Will +you come and dine to-night? I have a box for this winter opera that is on, +and I am trying to persuade Miss Travers to come. She says Lady Verningham +is not engaged to-night, she knows, and we might dine quietly and all go; +don't you think so?" + +Lord Robert said he would, but he added, "Miss Travers would never come +out before--she said she was in too deep mourning." He seemed aggrieved. + +"I am going to sit in the back of the box and no one will see me," I said. +"And I do love music so." + +"We had better let Lady Verningham know at once then," said Mr. +Carruthers. + +Lord Robert announced he was going there now, and would tell her. + +I knew that. The blue tea-gown with the pink roses, and the lace cap, and +the bad cold were not for nothing. (I wish I had not written this; it is +spiteful of me, and I am not spiteful, as a rule. It must be the east +wind.) + + + + + Thursday night, _November 24th._ + + +"Now that you have embarked upon this--" Lady Ver said, when I ventured +into her sitting-room, hearing no voices, about six o'clock. (Mr. +Carruthers had left me at the door at the end of our walk, and I had been +with the angels at tea ever since.) "Now that you have embarked upon this +opera, I say, you will have to dine at Willis's with us. I won't be in +when Charlie arrives from Paris. A blowy day like to-day his temper is +sure to be impossible." + +"Very well," I said. + +Of what use, after all, for an adventuress like me to have sensitive +feelings. + +"And I am leaving this house at a quarter to seven, I wish you to know, +Evangeline, pet," she called after me, as I flew off to dress. As a rule +Lady Ver takes a good hour to make herself into the attractive darling she +is in the evening. She has not to do much, because she is lovely by +nature, but she potters and squabbles with Welby, to divert herself, I +suppose. + +However, to-night, with the terror upon her of a husband fresh from a +rough Channel passage going to arrive at seven o'clock, she was actually +dressed and down in the hall when I got there punctually at 6.45, and in +the twinkle of an eye we were rolling in the electric to Willis's. I have +only been there once before, and that to lunch in Mrs. Carruthers's days +with some of the ambassadors; and it does feel gay going to a restaurant +at night. I felt more excited than ever in my life, and such a situation, +too! + +Lord Robert--_fruit defendu!_--and Mr. Carruthers--_empresse_--and to be +kept in bounds! + +More than enough to fill the hands of a maiden of sixteen fresh from a +convent, as old Count Someroff used to say when he wanted to express a +really difficult piece of work. + +They were waiting for us just inside the door, and again I noticed that +they were both lovely creatures, and both exceptionally distinguished +looking. + +Lady Ver nodded to a lot of people before we took our seats in a nice +little corner. She must have an agreeable time with so many friends. She +said something which sounds so true in one of our talks, and I thought of +it then. + +"It is wiser to marry the life you like, because after a little the man +doesn't matter." She has evidently done that, but I wish it could be +possible to have both--the man and the life. Well! Well! + +One has to sit rather close on those sofas, and as Lord Robert was not the +host, he was put by me. The other two at a right-angle to us. + +I felt exquisitely gay--in spite of having an almost high black dress on +and not even any violets. + +It was dreadfully difficult not to speak nicely to my neighbor, his +directness and simplicity are so engaging, but I did try hard to +concentrate myself on Christopher and leave him alone, only--I don't know +why--the sense of his being so near me made me feel, I don't quite know +what. However, I hardly spoke to him--Lady Ver shall never say I did not +play fair--though, insensibly, even she herself drew me into a friendly +conversation, and then Lord Robert looked like a happy school-boy. + +We had a delightful time. + +Mr. Carruthers is a perfect host. He has all the smooth and exquisite +manners of the old diplomats, without their false teeth and things. I wish +I were in love with him, or even I wish something inside me would only let +me feel it was my duty to marry him; but it jumps up at me every time I +want to talk to myself about it, and says, "Absolutely impossible." + +When it came to starting for the opera, "Mr. Carruthers will take you in +his brougham, Evangeline," Lady Ver said, "and I will be protected by +Robert. Come along, Robert," as he hesitated. + +"Oh, I say, Lady Ver!" he said, "I would love to come with you, but won't +it look rather odd for Miss Evangeline to arrive alone with Christopher? +Consider his character!" + +Lady Ver darted a glance of flame at him and got into the electric, while +Christopher, without hesitation, handed me into his brougham. Lord Robert +and I were two puppets, a part I do not like playing. + +I was angry altogether. She would not have dared to have left me go like +this if I had been any one who mattered. Mr. Carruthers got in, and tucked +his sable rug round me. I never spoke a word for a long time, and Covent +Garden is not far off, I told myself. I can't say why I had a sense of +_malaise_. + +There was a strange look in his face as a great lamp threw a light on it. +"Evangeline," he said, in a voice I have not yet heard, "when are you +going to finish playing with me? I am growing to love you, you know." + +"I am very sorry to hear it," I said, gently. "I don't want you to. Oh, +please _don't_!" as he took my hand. "I--I--if you only knew how I _hate_ +being touched!" + +He leaned back and looked at me. There is something which goes to the head +a little about being in a brougham with nice fur rugs alone with some one +at night. The lights flashing in at the windows, and that faint scent of a +very good cigar. I felt fearfully excited. If it had been Lord Robert, I +believe--well---- + +He leaned over very close to me. It seemed in another moment he would kiss +me, and what could I do then? I couldn't scream, or jump out in Leicester +Square, could I? + +"Why do you call me Evangeline?" I said, by way of putting him off. "I +never said you might." + +"Foolish child!--I shall call you what I please. You drive me mad. I don't +know what you were born for. Do you always have this effect on people?" + +"What effect?" I said, to gain time; we had got nearly into Long Acre. + +"An effect that causes one to lose all discretion. I feel I would give my +soul to hold you in my arms." + +I told him I did not think it was at all nice or respectful of him to talk +so--that I found such love revolting. + +"You tell me in your sane moments I am most unsuitable to you--you try to +keep away from me--and then when you get close you begin to talk this +stuff! I think it is an insult!" I said, angry and disdainful. "When I +arouse devotion and tenderness in some one, then I shall listen, but to +you and to this--never!" + +"Go on," he said. "Even in the dim light you look beautiful when cross." + +"I am not cross," I answered. "Only absolutely disgusted." + +By that time, thank goodness, we had got into the stream of carriages +close to the opera-house. Mr. Carruthers, however, seemed hardly to notice +this. + +"Darling," he said, "I will try not to annoy you; but you are so fearfully +provoking. I--tell you truly, no man would find it easy to keep cool with +you." + +"Oh, I don't know what it is, being cool, or not cool," I said, wearily. +"I am tired of every one. Even as tiny a thing as Malcolm Montgomerie gets +odd like this!" + +He leaned back and laughed, and then said, angrily: "Impertinence! I will +wring his neck!" + +"Thank Heaven we have arrived!" I exclaimed, as we drove under the +portico. I gave a great sigh of relief. + +Really, men are very trying and tiresome, and if I shall always have to +put up with these scenes through having red hair, I almost wish it were +mouse-colored, like Cicely Parker's. Mrs. Carruthers often said, "You +need not suppose, Evangeline, that you are going to have a quiet life with +your coloring; the only thing one can hope for is that you will screw on +your head." + +Lady Ver and Lord Robert were already in the hall waiting for us, but the +second I saw them I knew she had been saying something to Lord Robert. His +face, so gay and _debonnaire_ all through dinner, now looked set and +stern, and he took not the slightest notice of me as we walked to the +box--the big one next the stage on the pit tier. + +Lady Ver appeared triumphant--her eyes were shining with big blacks in the +middle, and such bright spots of pink in her cheeks--she looked lovely; +and I can't think why, but I suddenly felt I hated her. It was horrid of +me, for she was so kind, and settled me in the corner behind the curtain +where I could see and not be seen, rather far back, while she and Lord +Robert were quite in the front. It was "Carmen"--the opera. I had never +seen it before. + +Music has such an effect--every note seems to touch some emotion in me. I +feel wicked, or good, or exalted, or--or--oh, some queer feeling that I +don't know what it is--a kind of electric current down my back, and as +if--as if I would like to love some one and have them to kiss me. Oh, it +sounds perfectly dreadful what I have written, but I can't help it--that +is what some music does to me, and I said always I should tell the truth +here. + +From the very beginning note to the end I was feeling--feeling--Oh, how I +understand her--Carmen!--_fruit defendu_ attracted her so--the beautiful, +wicked, fascinating snake. I also wanted to dance, and to move like that, +and I unconsciously quivered perhaps. I was cold as ice, and fearfully +excited. The back of Lord Robert's beautifully set head impeded my view at +times. How exquisitely groomed he is! And one could see at a glance _his_ +mother had not been a housemaid! I never have seen anything look so well +bred as he does. + +Lady Ver was talking to him in a cooing, low voice after the first act, +and the second act, and indeed even when the third act had begun. He +seemed much more _empresse_ with her than he generally does. It--it hurt +me, that and the music and the dancing, and Mr. Carruthers whispering +passionate little words at intervals, even though I paid no attention to +them; but altogether I, too, felt a kind of madness. + +Suddenly Lord Robert turned round, and for five seconds looked at me, his +lovely, expressive blue eyes swimming with wrath and reproach and--oh, how +it hurt me!--contempt. Christopher was leaning over the back of my chair, +quite close, in a devoted attitude. + +Lord Robert did not speak, but if a look could wither I must have turned +into a dead oak-leaf. It awoke some devil in me. What had _I_ done to be +annihilated so! _I_ was playing perfectly fair--keeping my word to Lady +Ver, and--oh, I felt as if it were breaking my heart. + +But that look of Lord Robert's! It drove me to distraction, and every +instinct to be wicked and attractive that I possess came up in me. I +leaned over to Lady Ver, so that I must be close to him, and I said little +things to her, never one word to him; but I moved my seat, making it +certain the corner of his eye must catch sight of me, and I allowed my +shoulders to undulate the faintest bit to that Spanish music. Oh, I can +dance as Carmen, too! Mrs. Carruthers had me taught every time we went to +Paris. She loved to see it herself. + +I could hear Christopher breathing very quickly. "My God!" he whispered, +"a man would go to hell for you." + +Lord Robert got up abruptly and went out of the box. + +Then it was as if Don Jose's dagger plunged into my heart, not Carmen's. +That sounds high-flown, but I mean it--a sudden, sick, cold sensation, as +if everything was numb. Lady Ver turned round pettishly to Christopher. +"What on earth is the matter with Robert?" she said. + +"There is a Persian proverb which asserts a devil slips in between two +winds," said Christopher. "Perhaps that is what has happened in this box +to-night." + +Lady Ver laughed harshly, and I sat there still as death. And all the time +the music and the movement on the stage went on. I am glad she is murdered +in the end--glad! Only I would like to have seen the blood gush out. I am +fierce--fierce--sometimes. + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + Friday morning, _November 25th._ + + +I know just the meaning of dust and ashes, for that is what I felt I had +had for breakfast this morning, the day after "Carmen." + +Lady Ver had given orders she was not to be disturbed, so I did not go +near her, and crept down to the dining-room, quite forgetting the master +of the house had arrived. There he was, a strange, tall, lean man with +fair hair, and sad, cross, brown eyes, and a nose inclined to pink at the +tip--a look of indigestion about him, I feel sure. He was sitting in front +of a _Daily Telegraph_ propped up on the teapot, and some cold, untasted +sole on his plate. + +I came forward. He looked very surprised. + +"I--I'm Evangeline Travers," I announced. + +He said "How d'you do?" awkwardly. One could see without a notion what +that meant. + +"I'm staying here," I continued. "Did you not know?" + +"Then won't you have some breakfast? Beastly cold, I fear," politeness +forced him to utter. "No, Ianthe never writes to me. I had not heard any +news for a fortnight, and I have not seen her yet." + +Manners have been drummed into me from early youth, so I said, politely, +"You only arrived from Paris late last night, did you not?" + +"I got in about seven o'clock, I think," he replied. + +"We had to leave so early--we were going to the opera," I said. + +"A Wagner that begins at unearthly hours, I suppose?" he murmured, +absently. + +"No, it was 'Carmen,' but we dined first with my--my--guardian, Mr. +Carruthers." + +"Oh!" + +We both ate for a little. The tea was greenish black--and lukewarm. No +wonder he has dyspepsia. + +"Are the children in, I wonder?" he hazarded, presently. + +"Yes," I said. "I went to the nursery and saw them as I came down." + +At that moment the three angels burst into the room, but came forward +decorously and embraced their parent. They do not seem to adore him as +they do Lady Ver. + +"Good-morning, papa," said the eldest, and the other two repeated it in +chorus. "We hope you have slept well and had a nice passage across the +sea." + +They evidently had been drilled outside. + +Then, nature getting uppermost, they patted him patronizingly. + +"Daddie, darling, have you brought us any new dolls from Paris?" + +"And I want one with red hair, like Evangeline," said Yseult, the +youngest. + +Sir Charles seemed bored and uncomfortable; he kissed his three exquisite +bits of Dresden china, so like and yet unlike himself--they have Lady +Ver's complexion, but brown eyes and golden hair like his. + +"Yes; ask Harbottle for the packages," he said. "I have no time to talk to +you. Tell your mother I will be in for lunch," and making excuses to me +for leaving so abruptly--an appointment in the City--he shuffled out of +the room. + +I wonder how Lady Ver makes his heart beat! I _don't_ wonder she +prefers--Lord Robert. + +"Why is papa's nose so red?" said Yseult. + +"Hush!" implored Mildred. "Poor papa has come off the sea." + +"I don't love papa," said Corisande, the middle one. "He's cross, and +sometimes he makes darling mummie cry." + +"We must always love papa," chanted Mildred, in a lesson voice. "We must +always love our parents, and grandmamma, and grandpapa, and aunts and +cousins--amen." The "amen" slipped out unawares, and she looked confused, +and corrected herself when she had said it. + +"Let's find Harbottle. Harbottle is papa's valet," Corisande said, "and he +is much thoughtfuller than papa. Last time he brought me a Highland boy +doll, though papa had forgotten I asked for it." + +They all three went out of the room, first kissing me, and courtesying +sweetly when they got to the door. They are never rude or boisterous, the +three angels--I love them. + +Left alone, I did feel like a dead fish. The column "London Day by Day" +caught my eye in the _Daily Telegraph_, and I idly glanced down it, not +taking in the sense of the words, until "The Duke of Torquilstone has +arrived at Vavasour House, St. James's, from abroad," I read. + +Well, what did it matter to me--what did anything matter to me?--Lord +Robert had met us in the hall again, as we were coming out of the opera; +he looked very pale, and he apologized to Lady Ver for his abrupt +departure. He had got a chill, he said, and had gone to have a glass of +brandy, and was all right now, and would we not come to supper, and +various other _empresse_ things, looking at her with the greatest +devotion. I might not have existed. + +She was capricious, as she sometimes is. "No, Robert, I am going home to +bed. I have got a chill, too," she said. + +And the footman announcing the electric at that moment, we flew off and +left them, Christopher having fastened my sable collar with an air of +possession which would have irritated me beyond words at another time, but +I felt cold and dead, and utterly numb. + +Lady Ver did not speak a word on the way back, and kissed me frigidly as +she went into her room; then she called out: + +"I am tired, snake-girl; don't think I am cross. Good-night." And so I +crept up to bed. + +To-morrow is Saturday and my visit ends. After my lunch with Lady +Merrenden, I am a wanderer on the face of the earth. + +Where shall I wander to? I feel I want to go away by myself, away where I +shall not see a human being who is English. I want to forget what they +look like; I want to shut out of my sight their well-groomed heads; I +want--oh, I do not know what I do want. + +Shall I marry Mr. Carruthers? He would eat me up, and then go back to +Paris to the lady he loves. But I should have the life I like--and the +Carruthers's emeralds are beautiful--and I love Branches--and--and---- + +"Her ladyship would like to see you, miss," said a footman. + +So I went up the stairs. + +Lady Ver was in a darkened room, soft pink blinds right down beyond the +half-drawn blue silk curtains. + +"I have a fearful head, Evangeline," she said. + +"Then I will smooth your hair," and I climbed up behind her and began to +run over her forehead with the tips of my fingers. + +"You are really a pet, snake-girl," she said, "and you can't help it." + +"I can't help what?" + +"Being a witch. I knew you would hurt me when I first saw you, and I tried +to protect myself by being kind to you." + +"Oh, dear Lady Ver!" I said, deeply moved. "I would not hurt you for the +world, and indeed you misjudge me. I have kept the bargain to the very +letter--and spirit." + +"Yes, I know you have to the letter, at least, but why did Robert go out +of the box last night?" she demanded, wearily. + +"He said he had got a chill, did not he?" I replied, lamely. She clasped +her hands passionately. + +"A chill! You don't know Robert. He never had a chill in his life," she +said. "Oh, he is the dearest, dearest being in the world. He makes me +believe in good and all things honest. He isn't vicious, and isn't a prig, +and he knows the world, and he lives in its ways like the rest of us, and +yet he doesn't begin by thinking every woman is fair game and undermining +what little self-respect she may have left to her." + +"Yes," I said. I found nothing else to say. + +"If I had had a husband like that I would never have yawned," she went on; +"and besides, Robert is too masterful and would be too jealous to let one +divert one's self with another." + +"Yes," I said again, and continued to smooth her forehead. + +"He has sentiment, too--he is not matter-of-fact and brutal--and oh, you +should see him on a horse!--he is too, too beautiful." She stretched out +her arms in a movement of weariness that was pathetic and touched me. + +"You have known him a long, long time?" I said, gently. + +"Perhaps five years, but only casually until this season. I was busy with +some one else before. I have played with so many." Then she roused +herself up. "But Robert is the only one who has never made love to me. +Always dear and sweet, and treating me like a queen, as if I were too high +for that, and having his own way, and not caring a pin for any one's +opinion. And I have wanted him to make love to me often. But now I realize +it is no use. Only, you sha'n't have him, snake-girl! I told him as we +were going to the opera you were as cold as ice, and were playing with +Christopher, and I am going to take him down to Northumberland with me +to-morrow out of your way. He shall be my devoted friend, at any rate. You +would break his heart, and I shall still hold you to your promise." + +I said nothing. + +"Do you hear? I say: _You_ would break his heart. He would be only capable +of loving straight to the end. The kind of love any other woman would die +for--but--you--You are Carmen." + +At all events, not _she_, nor any other woman, shall ever see what I am or +am not. My heart is not for them to peck at. So I said, calmly: + +"Carmen was stabbed!" + +"And serve her right! Fascinating, fiendish demon!" Then she laughed, her +mood changing. + +"Did you see Charlie?" she said. + +"We breakfasted together." + +"Cheerful person, isn't he?" + +"No," I said. "He looked cross and ill." + +"Ill!" she said, with a shade of anxiety. "Oh, you only mean dyspeptic." + +"Perhaps." + +"Well, he always does when he comes from Paris. If you could go into his +room and see the row of photographs on his mantelpiece, you might guess +why." + +"Pictures of 'Sole Dieppoise' and 'Poulet a la Victoria aux Truffes,' no +doubt," I hazarded. + +She doubled up with laughter. "Yes, just that," she said. "Well, he adores +me in his way, and will bring me a new Cartier ring to make up for it--you +will see at luncheon." + +"He is a perfect husband, then." + +"About the same as you will find Christopher. Only Christopher will start +by being an exquisite lover. There is nothing he does not know, and +Charlie has not an idea of that part. Heavens!--the dulness of my +honeymoon!" + +"Mrs. Carruthers said all honeymoons were only another parallel to going +to the dentist or being photographed. Necessary evils to be got through +for the sake of the results." + +"The results!" + +"Yes, the nice house and the jewels and the other things." + +"Oh! Yes, I suppose she was right, but if one had married Robert one would +have had both." She did not say both what--but oh, I knew! + +"You think Mr. Carruthers will make a fair husband, then?" I asked. + +"You will never really know Christopher. I have been acquainted with him +for years. You will never feel he would tell you the whole truth about +anything. He is an epicure, and an analyst of sensations. I don't know if +he has any gods--he does not believe in them if he has; he believes in no +one, and nothing, but perhaps himself. He is violently in love with you +for the moment, and he wants to marry you, because he cannot obtain you on +any other terms." + +"You are flattering," I said, rather hurt. + +"I am truthful. You will probably have a delightful time with him, and +keep him devoted to you for years, because you are not in love with him; +and he will take good care you do not look at any one else. I can imagine +if one were in love with Christopher he would break one's heart, as he has +broken poor Alicia Verney's." + +"Oh, but how silly! People don't have broken hearts now; you are talking +like out of a book, dear Lady Ver." + +"There are a few cases of broken hearts, but they are not for book +reasons--of death and tragedy, etc.--they are because we cannot have what +we want, or keep what we have--" and she sighed. + +We did not speak for a few minutes, then she said, quite gayly: + +"You have made my head better; your touch is extraordinary; in spite of +all, I like you, snake-girl. You are not found on every gooseberry-bush." + +We kissed lightly, and I left her and went to my room. + +Yes, the best thing I can do is to marry Christopher. I care for him so +little that the lady in Paris won't matter to me, even if she is like Sir +Charles's "Poulet a la Victoria aux Truffes." He is such a gentleman, he +will at least be kind to me and refined and considerate--and the +Carruthers emeralds are divine, and just my stones. I shall have them +reset by Cartier. The lace, too, will suit me, and the sables, and I shall +have the suite that Mrs. Carruthers used at Branches done up with pale, +pale green, and burn all the early Victorians! And no doubt existence +will be full of triumphs and pleasure. + +But oh--I wish--I wish it were possible to obtain--"both!" + + + + + 300 PARK STREET, + + _Friday night._ + + +Luncheon passed off very well. Sir Charles returned from the City improved +in temper, and, as Lady Ver had predicted, presented her with a Cartier +jewel. It was a brooch, not a ring, but she was delighted, and purred to +him. + +He was a little late, and we were seated, a party of eight, when he came +in. They all chaffed him about Paris, and he took it quite +good-humoredly--he even seemed pleased. He has no wit, but he looks like a +gentleman, and I dare say as husbands go he is suitable. + +I am getting quite at home in the world, and can speak to any one. I +listen, and I do not talk much, only when I want to say something that +makes them think. + +A very nice man sat next me to-day; he reminded me of the old generals at +Branches. We had quite a war of wits, and it stimulated me. + +He told me, among other things, when he discovered who I was, that he had +known papa--papa was in the same Guards with him--and that he was the +best-looking man of his day. Numbers of women were in love with him, he +said, but he was a faithless being, and rode away. + +"He probably enjoyed himself--don't you think so?--and he had the good +luck to die in his zenith," I said. + +"He was once engaged to Lady Merrenden, you know. She was Lady Sophia +Vavasour then, and absolutely devoted to him, but Mrs. Carruthers came +between them and carried him off--she was years older than he was, too, +and as clever as paint." + +"Poor papa seems to have been a weak creature, I fear." + +"All men are weak," he said. + +"And then he married and left Mrs. Carruthers, I suppose?" I asked. I +wanted to hear as much as I could. + +"Ye-e-s," said my old colonel. "I was best man at the wedding." + +"And what was she like, my mamma?" + +"She was the loveliest creature I ever saw," he said--"as lovely as you, +only you are the image of your father, all but the hair--his was fair." + +"No one has ever said I was lovely before. Oh, I am so glad if you think +so," I said. It did please me. I have often been told I am attractive and +extraordinary, and wonderful and divine, but never just lovely. He would +not say any more about my parents, except that they hadn't a sou to live +on, and were not very happy--Mrs. Carruthers took care of that. + +Then, as every one was going, he said: "I am awfully glad to have met you. +We must be pals, for the sake of old times," and he gave me his card for +me to keep his address, and told me if ever I wanted a friend to send him +a line--Colonel Tom Carden, The Albany. + +I promised I would. + +"You might give me away at my wedding," I said, gayly. "I am thinking of +getting married, some day!" + +"That I will," he promised; "and, by Jove! the man will be a fortunate +fellow." + +Lady Ver and I drove after luncheon--me paid some calls, and went in to +tea with the Montgomeries, who had just arrived at Brown's Hotel for a +week's shopping. + +"Aunt Katherine brings those poor girls up always at this time, and takes +them to some impossible old dressmaker of her own in the daytime, and to +Shakespeare or a concert at night, and returns with them equipped in more +hideous garments each year. It is positively cruel," said Lady Ver, as we +went up the stairs to their _appartement_. + +There they were, sitting round the tea-table just as at Tryland--Kirstie +and Jean embroidering and knitting, and the other two reading new +catalogues of books for their work. + +Lady Ver began to tease them. She asked them all sorts of questions about +their new frocks, and suggested they had better go to Paris once in a way. +Lady Katherine was like ice. She strongly disapproved of my being with her +niece, one could see. + +The connection with the family she hoped would be ended with my visit to +Tryland. Malcolm was arriving in town, too, we gathered, and Lady Ver left +a message to ask him to dine to-night. + +Then we got away. + +"If one of those lumps of suet had a spark of spirit they would go +straight to the devil," Lady Ver said as we went down the stairs. "Think +of it--ties and altar-cloths in London! Mercifully they could not dine +to-night. I had to ask them, and they generally come once while they are +up--the four girls and Aunt Katherine--and it is with the greatest +difficulty I can collect four young men for them if they get the least +hint whom they are to meet. I generally secure a couple of socially +budding Jews, because I feel the subscriptions for their charities which +they will pester whoever they do sit next for are better filched from the +Hebrew than from some pretty, needy Guardsman. Oh, what a life!" + +She was so kind to me on the way back; she said she hated leaving me alone +on the morrow, and that I must settle now what I was going to do or she +would not go. I said I would go to Claridge's, where Mrs. Carruthers and I +had always stayed, and remain quietly alone with Veronique. I could afford +it for a week. So we drove there and made the arrangement. + +"It is absolutely impossible for you to go on like this, dear child," she +said. "You must have a chaperone; you are far too pretty to stay alone in +a hotel. What _can_ I do for you?" + +I felt so horribly uncomfortable I was really at my wits' end. Oh, it is +no fun being an adventuress, after all, if you want to keep your friends +of the world as well. + +"Perhaps it won't matter if I don't see any one for a few days," I said. +"I will write to Paris. My old mademoiselle is married there to a +flourishing poet, I believe--perhaps she would take me as a paying guest +for a little." + +"That is very visionary--a French poet! Horrible, long-haired, frowsy +creature! Impossible! Surely you see how necessary it is for you to marry +Christopher as soon as you can, Evangeline, don't you?" she said, and I +was obliged to admit there were reasons. + +"The truth is, you can't be the least eccentric or unconventional if you +are good-looking and unmarried," she continued. "You may snap your fingers +at society, but if you do you won't have a good time, and all the men will +either foolishly champion you or be impertinent to you." + +"Oh, I realize it," I said, and there was a lump in my throat. + +"I shall write to Christopher to-morrow," she went on, "and thank him for +our outing last night, and I shall say something nice about you and your +loneliness, and that he, as a kind of relation, may go and see you on +Sunday, as long as he doesn't make love to you, and he can take you to the +Zoo--don't see him in your sitting-room. That will give him just the extra +fillip, and he will go, and you will be demure, and then by those +stimulating lions' and tigers' cages you can plight your troth. It will be +quite respectable. Wire to me at once on Monday to Sedgwick, and you must +come back to Park Street directly I return on Thursday, if it is all +settled." + +I thanked her as well as I could. She was quite ingenuous and quite +sincere. I should be a welcome guest as Christopher's fiancee, and there +was no use my feeling bitter about it--she was quite right. + +As I put my hand on Malcolm's skinny arm going down to the dining-room, +the only consolation was my fate had not got to be him. I would rather be +anything in the world than married to that! + +I tried to be agreeable to Sir Charles. We were only a party of six. An +old Miss Harpenden, who goes everywhere to play bridge, and Malcolm, and +one of Lady Ver's young men, and I. Sir Charles is absent, and brings +himself back. He fiddles with the knives and forks, and sprawls on the +table rather, too. He looks at Lady Ver with admiration in his eyes. It is +true, then, in the intervals of Paris, I suppose, she can make his heart +beat. + +Malcolm made love to me after dinner. We were left to talk when the others +sat down to bridge in the little drawing-room. + +"I missed you so terribly, Miss Travers," he said, priggishly, "when you +left us that I realized I was extremely attracted by you." + +"No, you don't say so!" I said, innocently. "Could one believe a thing +like that?" + +"Yes," he said, earnestly. "You may, indeed, believe it." + +"Do not say it so suddenly, then," I said, turning my head away so that he +could not see how I was laughing. "You see, to a red-haired person like me +these compliments go to my head." + +"Oh, I do not want to flurry you," he said, affably. "I know I have been a +good deal sought after--perhaps on account of my possessions"--this with +arrogant modesty--"but I am willing to lay everything at your feet if you +will marry me." + +"Everything?" I asked. + +"Yes, everything." + +"You are too good, Mr. Montgomerie--but what would your mother say?" + +He looked uneasy and slightly unnerved. + +"My mother, I fear, has old-fashioned notions, but I am sure if you went +to her dressmaker--you--you would look different." + +"Should you like me to look different, then? You wouldn't recognize me, +you know, if I went to her dressmaker." + +"I like you just as you are," he said, with an air of great condescension. + +"I am overcome," I said, humbly. "But--but--what is this story I hear +about Miss Angela Grey? A lady, I see in the papers, who dances at the +Gaiety, is it not? Are you sure she will permit you to make this +declaration without her knowledge?" + +He became petrified. + +"Who has told you about her?" he asked. + +"No one," I said. "Jean said your father was angry with you on account of +a horse of that name, but I chanced to see it in the list of attractions +at the Gaiety, so I conclude it is not a horse; and if you are engaged to +her, I don't think it is quite right of you to try and break my heart." + +"Oh, Evangeline--Miss Travers!" he spluttered. "I am greatly attached to +you--the other was only a pastime--a--a--Oh, we men, you know--young +and--and--run after--have our temptations, you know. You must think +nothing about it. I will never see her again, except just to finally say +good-bye. I promise you." + +"Oh, I could not do a mean thing like that, Mr. Montgomerie," I said. "You +must not think of behaving so on my account. I am not altogether +heartbroken, you know; in fact, I rather think of getting married, +myself." + +He bounded up. + +"Oh, you have deceived me, then!" he said, in self-righteous wrath. "After +all I said to you that evening at Tryland, and what you promised then! +Yes, you have grossly deceived me." + +I could not say I had not listened to a word he had said that night and +was utterly unconscious of what I had promised. Even his self-appreciation +did not deserve such a blow as that, so I softened my voice and natural +anger at his words, and said, quite gently: + +"Do not be angry. If I have unconsciously given you a wrong impression I +am sorry, but if one came to talking of deceiving, you have deceived me +about Miss Grey, so do not let us speak further upon the matter. We are +quits. Now, won't you be friends as you have always been?" and I put out +my hand and smiled frankly in his face. The mean little lines in it +relaxed, he pulled himself together, and took my hand and pressed it +warmly. From which I knew there was more in the affair of Angela Grey than +met the eye. + +"Evangeline," he said. "I shall always love you; but Miss Grey is an +estimable young woman--there is not a word to be said against her moral +character--and I have promised her my hand in marriage, so perhaps we had +better say good-bye." + +"Good-bye," I said; "but I consider I have every reason to feel insulted +by your offer, which was not, judging from your subsequent remarks, worth +a moment's thought." + +"Oh, but I love you!" he said, and by his face, for the time, this was +probably true. So I did not say any more, and we rose and joined the +bridge players. And I contrived that he should not speak to me again alone +before he said good-night. + +"Did Malcolm propose to you?" Lady Ver asked as we came up to bed. "I +thought I saw a look in his eye at dinner." + +I told her he had done it in a kind of a way, with a reservation in favor +of Miss Angela Grey. + +"That is too dreadful!" she said. "There is a regular epidemic in some of +the Guards regiments just now to marry these poor, common things with high +moral characters and indifferent feet. But I should have thought the +cuteness of the Scot would have protected Malcolm from their designs. Poor +Aunt Katherine!" + + + + + CLARIDGE'S, + + Saturday, _November 26th._ + + +Lady Ver went off early to the station to catch her train to +Northumberland this morning, and I hardly saw her to say good-bye. She +seemed out of temper, too, on getting a note--she did not tell me who it +was from or what it was about, only she said immediately after that I was +not to be stupid. "Do not play with Christopher further," she said, "or +you will lose him. He will certainly come and see you to-morrow. He wrote +to me this morning in answer to mine of last night, but he says he won't +go to the Zoo, so you will have to see him in your sitting-room, after +all. He will come about four." + +I did not speak. + +"Evangeline," she said, "promise me you won't be a fool." + +"I--won't be a fool," I said. + +Then she kissed me and was off, and a few moments after I also started for +Claridge's. + +I have a very nice little suite right up at the top, and if only it were +respectable for me, and I could afford it, I could live here very +comfortably by myself for a long time. + +At a quarter to two I was ringing the bell at 200 Carlton House +Terrace--Lady Merrenden's house--with a strange feeling of excitement and +interest. Of course, it must have been because once she had been engaged +to papa. In the second thoughts take to flash, I remembered Lord Robert's +words when I talked of coming to London alone at Branches--how he would +bring me here, and how she would be kind to me until I could "hunt round." + +Oh, it came to me with a sudden stab. He was leaning over Lady Ver in the +northern train by now. + +Such a stately, beautiful hall it is when the doors open, with a fine +staircase going each way, and full of splendid pictures, and the whole +atmosphere pervaded with an air of refinement and calm. + +The footmen are tall, and not too young, and even at this time of the year +have powdered hair. + +Lady Merrenden was up-stairs in the small drawing-room, and she rose to +meet me, a book in her hand, when I was announced. + +Her manners are so beautiful in her own home--gracious, and not the least +patronizing. + +"I am so glad to see you," she said. "I hope you won't be bored, but I +have not asked any one to meet you, only my nephew Torquilstone is +coming. He is a great sufferer, poor fellow, and numbers of faces worry +him at times----" + +I said I was delighted to see her alone. No look more kind could be +expressed in a human countenance than is expressed in hers. She has the +same exceptional appearance of breeding that Lord Robert has--tiny ears +and wrists and head; even dressed as a char-woman Lady Merrenden would +look like a great lady. + +Very soon we were talking without the least restraint. She did not speak +of people or of very deep things, but it gave one the impression of an +elevated mind and a knowledge of books, and wide thoughts. Oh, I could +love her so easily. + +We had been talking for nearly a quarter of an hour. She had incidentally +asked me where I was staying now, and had not seemed surprised or shocked +when I said Claridge's, and by myself. + +All she said was: "What a lonely little girl! But I dare say it is very +restful sometimes to be by one's self, only you must let your friends come +and see you, won't you?" + +"I don't think I have any friends," I said. "You see, I have been out so +little, but if you would come and see me--oh, I should be so grateful." + +"Then you must count me as one of your rare friends!" she said. + +Nothing could be so rare or so sweet as her smile. Fancy papa throwing +over this angel for Mrs. Carruthers! Men are certainly unaccountable +creatures. + +I said I would be too honored to have her for a friend, and she took my +hand. + +"You bring back the long ago," she said. "My name is Evangeline, +too--Sophia Evangeline--and I sometimes think you may have been called so +in remembrance of me." + +What a strange, powerful factor love must be! Here were these two women, +Mrs. Carruthers and Lady Merrenden--the very opposites of each other--and +they had evidently both adored papa, and both, according to their natures, +had taken an interest in me in consequence, the child of a third woman who +had superseded them both! Papa must have been extraordinarily fascinating, +for to the day of her death Mrs. Carruthers had his miniature on her +table, with a fresh rose beside it--his memory the only soft spot, it +seemed, in her hard heart. + +And this sweet lady's eyes melted in tenderness when she spoke of the long +ago, although she does not know me well enough yet to say anything +further. To me papa's picture is nothing so very wonderful--just a +good-looking young Guardsman, with eyes shaped like mine, only gray, and +light, curly hair. He must have had "a way with him," as the servants say. + +At that moment the Duke of Torquilstone came in. Oh, such a sad sight! + +A poor, humpbacked man, with a strong face and head and a soured, +suspicious, cynical expression. He would evidently have been very tall but +for his deformity--a hump stands out on his back almost like Mr. Punch. He +can't be much over forty, but he looks far older; his hair is quite gray. + +Not a line or an expression in him reminded me of Lord Robert, I am glad +to say. + +Lady Merrenden introduced us, and Lord Merrenden came in then, too, and we +all went down to luncheon. + +It was a rather small table, so we were all near one another and could +talk. + +The dining-room is immense. + +"I always have this little table when we are such a small party," Lady +Merrenden said. "It is more cosey, and one does not feel so isolated." + +How I agreed with her! + +The duke looked at me searchingly, often, with his shrewd little eyes. +One could not say if it was with approval or disapproval. + +Lord Merrenden talked about politics and the questions of the day. He has +a courteous manner, and all their voices are soft and refined. And nothing +could have been more smooth and silent than the service. + +The luncheon was very simple and very good, but not half the number of +rich dishes like at Branches, or Lady Ver's. There was only one bowl of +violets on the table, but the bowl was gold, and a beautiful shape, and +the violets nearly as big as pansies. My eyes wandered to the +pictures--Gainsborough's and Reynolds's and Romney's--of stately men and +women. + +"You met my other nephew, Lord Robert, did you not?" Lady Merrenden said, +presently. "He told me he had gone to Branches, where I believe you +lived." + +"Yes," I said, and--oh, it is too humiliating to write!--I felt my cheeks +get crimson at the mention of Lord Robert's name. What could she have +thought? Can anything be so young-ladylike and ridiculous! + +"He came to the opera with us the night before last," I continued. "Mr. +Carruthers had a box, and Lady Verningham and I went with them." Then, +recollecting how odd this must sound in my deep mourning, I added, "I am +so fond of music." + +"So is Robert," she said. "I am sure he must have been pleased to meet a +kindred spirit there." + +Sweet, charming, kind lady! If she only knew what emotions were really +agitating us in that box that night! I fear the actual love of music was +the least of them. + +The duke, during this conversation and from the beginning mention of Lord +Robert's name, never took his eyes off my face--it was very disconcerting; +his look was clearer now, and it was certainly disapproving. + +We had coffee up-stairs, out of such exquisite Dresden cups, and then Lord +Merrenden showed me some miniatures. Finally it happened that the duke and +I were left alone for a minute looking out of a window onto the Mall. + +His eyes pierced me through and through. Well, at all events, my nose and +my ears and my wrists are as fine as Lady Merrenden's--poor mamma's odd +mother does not show in me on the outside, thank goodness! He did not say +much, only commonplaces about the view. I felt afraid of him, and rather +depressed. I am sure he dislikes me. + +"May I not drive you somewhere?" my kind hostess said. "Or, if you have +nowhere in particular to go, will you come with me?" + +I said I should be delighted. An ache of loneliness was creeping over me. +I wanted to put off as long as possible getting back to the hotel. I +wanted to distract my thoughts from dwelling upon to-morrow and what I was +going to say to Christopher. To-morrow--that seems the end of the world! + +She has beautiful horses, Lady Merrenden, and the whole turn-out, except +she herself, is as smart as can be. She really looks a little frumpish +out-of-doors, and perhaps that is why papa went on to Mrs. Carruthers. +Goodness and dearness like this do not suit male creatures as well as +caprice, it seems. + +She was so good to me, and talked in the nicest way. I quite forgot I was +a homeless wanderer, and arrived at Claridge's about half-past four in +almost good spirits. + +"You won't forget I am to be one of your friends," Lady Merrenden said, as +I bid her good-bye. + +"Indeed I won't," I replied, and she drove off, smiling at me. + +I do wonder what she will think of my marriage with Christopher. + +Now it is night. I have had a miserable, lonely dinner in my +sitting-room. Veronique has been most gracious and coddling--she feels Mr. +Carruthers in the air, I suppose--and so I must go to bed. + +Oh, why am I not happy, and why don't I think this is a delightful and +unusual situation, as I once would have done? I only feel depressed and +miserable, and as if I wished Christopher at the bottom of the sea. I have +told myself how good-looking he is, and how he attracted me at Branches, +but that was before--Yes, I may as well write what I was going to--before +Lord Robert arrived. Well, he and Lady Ver are talking together on a nice +sofa by now, I suppose, in a big, well-lit drawing-room, and--Oh, I +_wish_, I _wish_ I had never made any bargain with her--perhaps, now, in +that case--Ah, well---- + + + _Sunday afternoon._ + + +No, I can't bear it. All the morning I have been in a fever, first hot and +then cold. What will it be like? Oh, I shall faint when he kisses me. And +I know he will be dreadful like that; I have seen it in his eye. He will +eat me up. Oh, I am sure I shall hate it. No man has ever kissed me in my +life, and I can't judge, but I am sure it is frightful--unless--I feel as +if I shall go crazy if I stay here any longer. I can't--I can't stop and +wait and face it. I must have some air first. There is a misty fog. I +would like to go out and get lost in it, and I _will_, too! Not get lost, +perhaps, but go out in it, and alone. I won't have even Veronique. I shall +go by myself into the park. It is growing nearly dark, though only three +o'clock. I have got an hour. It looks mysterious, and will soothe me, and +suit my mood, and then, when I come in again, I shall perhaps be able to +bear it bravely, kisses and all. + + + + + CLARIDGE'S, + + Sunday evening, _November 27th._ + + +I have a great deal to write, and yet it is only a few hours since I shut +up this book and replaced the key on my bracelet. + +By a quarter-past three I was making my way through Grosvenor Square. +Everything was misty and blurred, but not actually a thick fog--or any +chance of being lost. By the time I got into the park it had lifted a +little. It seemed close and warm, and as I went on I got more depressed. I +have never been out alone before--that in itself seemed strange, and ought +to have amused me. + +The image of Christopher kept floating in front of me; his face seemed to +have the expression of a satyr. Well, at all events, he would never be +able to break my heart like "Alicia Verney's"--nothing could ever make me +care for him. I tried to think of all the good I was going to get out of +the affair, and how really fond I was of Branches. + +I walked very fast; people loomed at me, and then disappeared in the mist. +It was getting almost dusk, and suddenly I felt tired and sat down on a +bench. + +I had wandered into a side path where there were no chairs. On the bench +before mine I saw, as I passed, a tramp huddled up. I wondered what his +thoughts were, and if he felt any more miserable than I did. I dare say I +was crouching in a depressed position, too. + +Not many people went by, and every moment it grew darker. In all my life, +even on the days when Mrs. Carruthers taunted me about mamma being nobody, +I have never felt so wretched. Tears kept rising in my eyes, and I did not +even worry to blink them away. Who would see me, and who in the world +would care if they did see? + +Suddenly I was conscious that a very perfect figure was coming out of the +mist towards me, but not until he was close to me, and stopping, with a +start, peered into my face, did I recognize it was Lord Robert. + +"Evangeline!" he exclaimed, in a voice of consternation. "I--what, oh! +what is the matter?" + +No wonder he was surprised. Why he had not taken me for some tramp, too, +and passed on, I don't know. + +"Nothing," I said, as well as I could, and tried to tilt my hat over my +eyes. I had no veil on, unfortunately. + +"I have just been for a walk. Why do you call me Evangeline and why are +you not in Northumberland?" + +He looked so tall and beautiful, and his face had no expression of +contempt or anger now, only distress and sympathy. + +"I was suddenly put on guard yesterday, and could not get leave. I am +going to-morrow," he said, not answering the first part, "but, oh, I can't +bear to see you sitting here alone and looking so, so miserable. Mayn't I +take you home? You will catch cold in the damp." + +"Oh no, not yet. I won't go back yet," I said, hardly realizing what I was +saying. He sat down beside me and slipped his hand into my muff, pressing +my clasped fingers, the gentlest, friendliest caress a child might have +made in sympathy. It touched some foolish chord in my nature, some want of +self-control inherited from mamma's ordinary mother, I suppose; anyway the +tears poured down my face. I could not help it. Oh, the shame of it! To +sit crying in the park, in front of Lord Robert, of all people in the +world, too! + +"Dear, dear little girl," he said, "tell me about it," and he held my hand +in my muff with his strong, warm hand. + +"I--I have nothing to tell," I said, choking down a sob. "I am ashamed +for you to see me like this, only--I am feeling so very miserable." + +"Dear child!" he said. "Well, you are not to be--I won't have it. Has some +one been unkind to you? Tell me, tell me." His voice was trembling with +distress. + +"It's--it's nothing," I mumbled. + +I dared not look at him, I knew his eyebrows would be up in that way that +attracts me so dreadfully. + +"Listen," he whispered almost, and bent over me. "I want you to be friends +with me so that I can help you. I want you to go back to the time we +packed your books together. God knows what has come between us since--it +is not of my doing. But I want to take care of you, dear little girl, +to-day. It--oh, it hurts me so to see you crying here!" + +"I--would like to be friends," I said. "I never wanted to be anything +else, but I could not help it, and I can't now." + +"Won't you tell me the reason?" he pleaded. "You have made me so +dreadfully unhappy about it. I thought all sorts of things. You know I am +a jealous beast." + +There can't in the world be another voice as engaging as Lord Robert's, +and he has a trick of pronouncing words that is too attractive; and the +way his mouth goes when he is speaking, showing his perfectly chiselled +lips under the little mustache! There is no use pretending. I was sitting +there on the bench going through thrills of emotion and longing for him to +take me in his arms. It is too frightful to think of. I must be bad, after +all. + +"Now you are going to tell me everything about it," he commanded. "To +begin with: what made you suddenly change at Trylands after the first +afternoon--and then, what is it that makes you so unhappy now?" + +"I can't tell you either," I said, very low. I hoped the common +grandmother would not take me as far as doing mean tricks to Lady Ver. + +"Oh, you have made me wild!" he exclaimed, letting go my hand and leaning +both elbows on his knees, while he pushed his hat to the back of his +head--"perfectly mad with fury and jealousy! That brute Malcolm! And then +looking at Campion at dinner, and, worst of all, Christopher in the box at +'Carmen'! Wicked, naughty little thing! And yet underneath I have a +feeling it is for some absurd reason, and not for sheer devilment. If I +thought that, I would soon get not to care. I did think it at 'Carmen.'" + +"Yes, I know," I said. + +"You know what?" he looked up, startled; then he took my hand again and +sat close to me. + +"Oh, please, please don't, Lord Robert!" I said. + +It really made me quiver so with the loveliest feeling I have ever known, +that I knew I should never be able to keep my head if he went on. + +"Please, please don't hold my hand," I said. "It--it makes me not able to +behave nicely." + +"Darling," he whispered, "then it shows that you like me, and I sha'n't +let go until you tell me every little bit." + +"Oh, I can't, I can't!" I felt too tortured, and yet, waves of joy were +rushing over me. That _is_ a word, "darling," for giving feelings down the +back. + +"Evangeline," he said, quite sternly, "will you answer this question, +then: Do you like me, or do you hate me? Because, as you must know very +well, I love you." + +Oh, the wild joy of hearing him say that! What in the world did anything +else matter? For a moment there was a singing in my ears, and I forgot +everything but our two selves. Then the picture of Christopher waiting for +me, with his cold cynic's face and eyes blazing with passion, rushed into +my vision, and the duke's critical, suspicious, disapproving scrutiny, +and I felt as if a cry of pain, like a wounded animal, escaped me. + +"Darling, darling, what is it? Did I hurt your dear little hand?" Lord +Robert exclaimed, tenderly. + +"No," I whispered, brokenly; "but I cannot listen to you. I am going back +to Claridge's now, and I am going to marry Mr. Carruthers." + +He dropped my hand as if it stung him. + +"Good God! Then it is true," was all he said. + +In fear I glanced at him, his face looked gray in the quickly gathering +mist. + +"Oh, Robert!" I said, in anguish, unable to help myself. "It isn't because +I want to. I--I--oh, probably I love you, but I must; there is nothing +else to be done." + +"Isn't there?" he said, all the life and joy coming back to his face. "Do +you think I will let Christopher, or any other man in the world have you, +now that you have confessed that?" and, fortunately, there was no one in +sight, because he put his arms round my neck and drew me close and kissed +my lips. + +Oh, what nonsense people talk of heaven! Sitting on clouds and singing +psalms and things like that! There can't be any heaven half so lovely as +being kissed by Robert. I felt quite giddy with happiness for several +exquisite seconds, then I woke up. It was all absolutely impossible, I +knew, and I must keep my head. + +"Now you belong to me," he said, letting his arm slip down to my waist, +"so you must begin at the beginning, and tell me everything." + +"No, no," I said, struggling feebly to free myself, and feeling so glad he +held me tight. "It is impossible, all the same, and that only makes it +harder. Christopher is coming to see me at four, and I promised Lady Ver I +would not be a fool, and would marry him." + +"A fig for Lady Ver," he said, calmly. "If that is all, you leave her to +me--she never argues with me." + +"It is not only that; I--I promised I would never play with you." + +"And you certainly never shall," he said, and I could see a look in his +eye as he purposely misconstrued my words, and then he deliberately kissed +me again. Oh, I like it better than anything else in the world! How could +any one keep their head with Robert quite close, making love like that? + +"You certainly never--never--shall," he said again, with a kiss between +each word. "I will take care of that. Your time of playing with people is +over, mademoiselle. When you are married to me, I shall fight with any one +who dares to look at you." + +"But I shall never be married to you, Robert," I said, though as I could +only be happy for such a few moments I did not think it necessary to move +away out of his arms. How thankful I was to the fog! and no one passing! I +shall always adore fogs. + +"Yes, you will," he announced, with perfect certainty, "in about a +fortnight, I should think. I can't and won't have you staying at +Claridge's by yourself. I shall take you back this afternoon to Aunt +Sophia. Only all that we can settle presently; now for the moment I want +you to tell me you love me, and that you are sorry for being such a little +brute all this time." + +"I did not know it until just now, but I think--I probably do love +you--Robert," I said. + +He was holding my hand in my muff again, the other arm round my waist. +Absolutely disgraceful behavior in the park. We might have been Susan Jane +and Thomas Augustus, and yet I was perfectly happy, and felt it was the +only natural way to sit. + +A figure appeared in the distance--we started apart. + +"Oh, really, really--" I gasped--"we---- you--must be different." + +He leaned back and laughed. + +"You sweet darling! Well, come, we will go for a drive in a hansom; we +will choose one without a light inside. Albert Gate is quite close--come!" +and he rose, and taking my arm, not offering his to me, like in books, he +drew me on down the path. + +I am sure any one would be terribly shocked to read what I have written, +but not so much if they knew Robert, and how utterly adorable he is, and +how masterful, and simple, and direct. He does not split straws or bandy +words. I had made the admission that I loved him, and that was enough to +go upon. + +As we walked along I tried to tell him it was impossible, that I must go +back to Christopher, that Lady Ver would think I had broken my word about +it. I did not, of course, tell him of her bargain with me over him, but he +probably guessed that, because before we got into the hansom even, he had +begun to put me through a searching cross-examination as to the reasons +for my behavior at Tryland, and Park Street, and the opera. I felt like a +child with a strong man, and every moment more idiotically happy and in +love with him. + +He told the cabman to drive to Hammersmith, and then put his arm round my +waist again, and held my hand, pulling my glove off backward first. It is +a great, big, granny muff of sable I have, Mrs. Carruthers's present on my +last birthday. I never thought then to what charming use it would be put. + +"Now I think we have demolished all your silly little reasons for making +me miserable," he said. "What others have you to bring forward as to why +you can't marry me in a fortnight?" + +I was silent--I did not know how to say it--the principal reason of all. + +"Evangeline, darling," he pleaded. "Oh, why will you make us both unhappy? +Tell me, at least." + +"Your brother, the duke," I said, very low. "He will never consent to your +marrying a person like me, with no relations." + +He was silent for a second, then: "My brother is an awfully good fellow," +he said; "but his mind is warped by his infirmity. You must not think +hardly of him; he will love you directly he sees you, like every one +else." + +"I saw him yesterday," I said. + +Robert was so astonished. + +"Where did you see him?" he asked. + +Then I told him about meeting Lady Merrenden, and her asking me to +luncheon, and about her having been in love with papa, and about the duke +having looked me through and through with an expression of dislike. + +"Oh, I see it all," said Robert, holding me closer. "Aunt Sophia and I are +great friends, you know; she has always been like my mother, who died when +I was a baby. I told her all about you when I came from Branches, and how +I had fallen deeply in love with you at first sight, and that she must +help me to see you at Tryland; and she did, and then I thought you had +grown to dislike me, so when I came back she guessed I was unhappy about +something, and this is her first step to find out how she can do me a good +turn. Oh, she is a dear!" + +"Yes, indeed, she is," I said. + +"Of course she is extra interested in you if she was in love with your +father. So that is all right, darling; she must know all about your +family, and can tell Torquilstone. Why, we have nothing to fear!" + +"Oh yes, we have," I said. "I know all the story of what your brother is +_toque_ about. Lady Ver told me. You see, the awkward part is mamma was +really nobody; her father and mother forgot to get married, and although +mamma was lovely and had been beautifully brought up by two old ladies at +Brighton, it was a disgrace for papa marrying her. Mrs. Carruthers has +often taunted me with this." + +"Darling!" he interrupted, and began to kiss me again, and that gave me +such feeling I could not collect my thoughts to go on with what I was +saying for a few minutes. We both were rather silly, if it is silly to be +madly, wildly happy, and oblivious of everything else. + +"I will go straight to Aunt Sophia now, when I take you back to +Claridge's," he said, presently, when we had got a little calmer. + +I wonder what kisses do that it makes one have that perfectly lovely +sensation down the back, just like certain music does, only much, much +more so. I thought they would be dreadful things when it was a question of +Christopher, but Robert! Oh, well, as I said before, I can't think of any +other heaven. + +"What time is it?" I had sense enough to ask presently. + +He lit a match and looked at his watch. + +"Ten minutes past five," he exclaimed. + +"And Christopher was coming about four," I said; "and if you had not +chanced to meet me in the park by now I should have been engaged to him, +and probably trying to bear his kissing me." + +"My God!" said Robert, fiercely; "it makes me rave to think of it," and he +held me so tight for a moment I could hardly breathe. + +"You won't have any one else's kisses ever again in this world, and that I +tell you," he said, through his teeth. + +"I--I don't want them," I whispered creeping closer to him. "And I never +have had any, never any one but you, Robert." + +"Darling," he said, "how that pleases me!" + +Of course, if I wanted to I could go on writing pages and pages of all the +lovely things we said to each other, but it would sound, even to read to +myself, such nonsense that I can't, and I couldn't make the tone of +Robert's voice, or the exquisite fascination of his ways--tender, and +adoring, and masterful. It must all stay in my heart, but oh! it is as if +a fairy with a wand had passed and said "bloom" to a winter tree. Numbers +of emotions that I had never dreamed about were surging through me--the +floodgates of everything in my soul seemed opening in one rush of love and +joy. While we were together nothing appeared to matter, all barriers +melted away. + +Fate would be sure to be kind to lovers like us. + +We got back to Claridge's about six, and Robert would not let me go up to +my sitting-room until he had found out if Christopher had gone. + +Yes, he had come at four, we discovered, and had waited twenty minutes, +and then left, saying he would come again at half-past six. + +"Then you will write him a note, and give it to the porter for him, saying +you are engaged to me and can't see him," Robert said. + +"No, I won't do that. I am not engaged to you, and cannot be until your +family consent and are nice to me," I said. + +"Darling!" he faltered, and his voice trembled with emotion. "Darling, +love is between you and me--it is our lives. However, that can go. The +ways of my family--nothing shall ever separate you from me or me from you, +I swear it! Write to Christopher." + +I sat down at a table in the hall and wrote: + +"DEAR MR. CARRUTHERS,-- + +"I am sorry I was out," then I bit the end of my pen. "Don't come and see +me this evening. I will tell you why in a day or two. + + "Yours sincerely, + + "EVANGELINE TRAVERS. + + +"Will that do?" I said, and I handed it to Robert, while I addressed the +envelope. + +"Yes," he said, and waited while I sealed it up and gave it to the porter. +Then, with a surreptitious squeeze of the hand, he left me to go to Lady +Merrenden. + +I have come up to my little sitting-room a changed being. The whole world +revolves for me upon another axis, and all within the space of three short +hours. + + + + + CLARIDGE'S, + + Sunday night, _November 27th._ + + +Late this evening, about eight o'clock, when I had relocked my journal, I +got a note from Robert. I was just going to begin my dinner. + +I tore it open, inside was another; I did not wait to look who from, I was +too eager to read his. I paste it in: + + + "CARLTON HOUSE TERRACE. + + "MY DARLING,-- + + "I have had a long talk with Aunt Sophia, and she is everything + that is sweet and kind, but she fears Torquilstone will be a + little difficult (_I don't care_, _nothing_ shall separate us + now). She asks me not to go and see you again to-night as she + thinks it would be better for you that I should not go to the + hotel so late. Darling, read her note, and you will see how + nice she is. I shall come round to-morrow, the moment the + beastly stables are finished, about twelve o'clock. Oh, take + care of yourself! What a difference to-night and last night! + I was feeling horribly miserable and reckless, and to-night! + Well, you can guess. I am not half good enough for you, + darling beautiful queen, but I think I shall know how to make + you happy. I love you. + + "Good-night my own. + + "ROBERT." + + "Do please send me a tiny line by my servant. I have told him + to wait." + + +I have never had a love-letter before. What lovely things they are. I felt +thrills of delight over bits of it. Of course I see now that I must have +been dreadfully in love with Robert all along, only I did not know it +quite. I fell into a kind of blissful dream, and then I roused myself up +to read Lady Merrenden's. I sha'n't put hers in, too; it fills up too +much, and I can't shut the clasp of my journal. It is a perfectly sweet +little letter, just saying Robert had told her the news, and that she was +prepared to welcome me as her dearest niece, and to do all she could for +us. She hoped I would not think her very tiresome and old-fashioned +suggesting Robert had better not see me again to-night, and, if it would +not inconvenience me, she would herself come round to-morrow morning and +discuss what was best to be done. + +Veronique said Lord Robert's valet was waiting outside the door, so I flew +to my table and began to write. My hand trembled so I made a blot, and +had to tear that sheet up; then I wrote another. Just a little word. I was +frightened; I couldn't say loving things in a letter; I had not even +spoken many to him--yet. + +"I loved your note," I began; "and I think Lady Merrenden is quite right. +I will be here at twelve, and very pleased to see you." I wanted to say I +loved him, and thought twelve o'clock a long way off, but of course one +could not write such things as that, so I ended with just, + + "Love from + + "EVANGELINE." + + +Then I read it over, and it did sound "missish" and silly. However, with +the man waiting there in the passage, and Veronique fussing in and out of +my bedroom, besides the waiters bringing up my dinner, I could not go +tearing up sheets and writing others, it looked so flurried, so it was put +into an envelope. Then, in one of the seconds I was alone, I nipped off a +violet from a bunch on the table and pushed it in, too. I wonder if he +will think it sentimental of me! When I had written the name, I had not an +idea where to address it. His was written from Carlton House Terrace, but +he was evidently not there now, as his servant had brought it. I felt so +nervous and excited, it was too ridiculous--I am very calm as a rule. I +called the man, and asked him where was his lordship now? I did not like +to say I was ignorant of where he lived. + +"His Lordship is at Vavasour House, madam," he said, respectfully, but +with the faintest shade of surprise that I should not know. "His lordship +dines at home this evening with his grace." + +I scribbled a note to Lady Merrenden. I would be delighted to see her in +the morning at whatever time suited her. I would not go out at all, and I +thanked her. It was much easier to write sweet things to her than to +Robert. + +When I was alone I could not eat. Veronique came in to try and persuade +me. I looked so very pale, she said, she feared I had taken cold. She was +in one of her "old-mother" moods, when she drops the third person +sometimes, and calls me "_mon enfant_." + +"Oh, Veronique, I have not got a cold; I am only wildly happy," I said. + +"Mademoiselle is doubtless fiancee to Mr. Carruthers. _Oh, mon enfant +adoree_," she cried, "_que je suis contente!_" + +"Gracious, no!" I exclaimed. This brought me back to Christopher with a +start. What would he say when he heard? + +"No, Veronique, to some one much nicer--Lord Robert Vavasour." + +Veronique was frightfully interested. Mr. Carruthers she would have +preferred, to me, she admitted, as being more solid, more "_range_," +"_plus a la fin de ses betises_," but, no doubt, "milor" was charming too, +and for certain one day mademoiselle would be duchess. In the meanwhile +what kind of coronet would mademoiselle have on her trousseau? + +I was obliged to explain that I should not have any, or any trousseau, for +an indefinite time, as nothing was settled yet. This damped her a little. + +"_Un frere de duc, et pas de couronne!_" After seven years in England she +was yet unable to understand these strange habitudes, she said. + +She insisted upon putting me to bed directly after dinner, "to be prettier +for _milor demain_!" and then when she had tucked me up, and was turning +out the light in the centre of the room, she looked back. "Mademoiselle is +too beautiful like that," she said, as if it slipped from her. "_Mon Dieu! +il ne s'embeterai pas, le monsieur!_" + + + + + CLARIDGE'S, + + _Monday morning._ + + +I wonder how I lived before I met Robert. I wonder what use were the days. +Oh, and I wonder, I wonder, if the duke continues to be obdurate about me, +if I shall ever have the strength of mind to part from him so as not to +spoil his future. + +Such a short time ago--not yet four weeks--since I was still at Branches, +and wondering what made the clock go round, the great, big clock of life. + +Oh, now I know. It is being in love--frightfully in love, as we are. I +must try and keep my head, though, and remember all the remarks of Lady +Ver about things and men. Fighters all of them, and they must never feel +quite sure. It will be dreadfully difficult to tease Robert, because he is +so direct and simple, but I must try, I suppose. Perhaps being so very +pretty as I am, and having all the male creatures looking at me with +interest, will do, and be enough to keep him worried, and I won't have to +be tiresome myself. I hope so, because I really do love him so extremely, +I would like to let myself go, and be as sweet as I want to. + +I am doing all the things I thought perfectly silly to hear of before. I +kissed his letter, and slept with it on the pillow beside me, and this +morning woke at six, and turned on the electric light to read it again. +The part where the "darlings" come is quite blurry, I see, in +daylight--that is where I kissed most, I know. + +I seem to be numb to everything else. Whether Lady Ver is angry or not +does not bother me. I did play fair. She could not expect me to go on +pretending when Robert had said straight out he loved me. But I am sure +she will be angry, though, and probably rather spiteful about it. + +I will write her the simple truth in a day or two, when we see how things +go. She will guess by Robert not going to Sedgwick. + + + + + CLARIDGE'S + + _Monday afternoon._ + + +At half-past eleven this morning Lady Merrenden came, and the room was all +full of flowers that Robert had sent, bunches and bunches of violets and +gardenias. She kissed me, and held me tight for a moment, and we did not +speak. Then she said, in a voice that trembled a little: + +"Robert is so very dear to me--almost my own child--that I want him to be +happy; and you, too, Evangeline--I may call you that, may not I?" + +I squeezed her hand. + +"You are the echo of my youth, when I, too, knew the wild spring-time of +love. So, dear, I need not tell you that you may count upon my doing what +I can for you both." + +Then we talked and talked. + +"I must admit," she said at last, "that I was prejudiced in your favor for +your dear father's sake, but in any case my opinion of Robert's judgment +is so high, I would have been prepared to find you charming, even without +that. He has the rarest qualities, he is the truest, most untarnished +soul in this world. + +"I don't say," she went on, "that he is not just as the other young men of +his age and class; he is no Galahad, as no one can be with truth who is +human and lives in the world. And I dare say kind friends will tell you +stories of actresses and other diversions, but I who know him tell you, +you have won the best and greatest darling in London." + +"Oh, I am sure of it," I said. "I don't know why he loves me so much, he +has seen me so little; but it began from the very first minute, I think, +with both of us. He is such a nice shape." + +She laughed. Then she asked me if she was right in supposing all these +_contretemps_ we had had were the doing of Lady Ver. "You need not answer, +dear," she said. "I know Ianthe. She is in love with Robert herself; she +can't help it; she means no harm, but she often gets these attacks, and +they pass off. I think she is devoted to Sir Charles, really." + +"Yes," I said. + +"It is a queer world we live in, child," she continued, "and true love and +suitability of character are such a rare combination, but from what I can +judge, you and Robert possess them." + +"Oh, how dear of you to say so!" I exclaimed. + +"You don't think I _must_ be bad, then, because of my coloring?" + +"What a ridiculous idea, you sweet child!" she laughed. "Who has told you +that!" + +"Oh, Mrs. Carruthers always said so--and--and the old gentlemen, and--even +Mr. Carruthers hinted I probably had some odd qualities. But you do think +I shall be able to be fairly good--don't you?" + +She was amused, I could see, but I was serious. + +"I think you probably might have been a little wicked if you had married a +man like Mr. Carruthers," she said, smiling, "but with Robert I am sure +you will be good. He will never leave you a moment, and he will love you +so much you won't have time for anything else." + +"Oh, that is what I shall like--being loved," I said. + +"I think all women like that," she sighed. "We could all of us be good if +the person we love went on being demonstrative. It is the cold, +matter-of-fact devotion that kills love, and makes one want to look +elsewhere to find it again." + +Then we talked of possibilities about the duke. I told her I knew his +_toquade_, and she, of course, was fully acquainted with mamma's history. + +"I must tell you, dear, I fear he will be difficult," she said. "He is a +strangely prejudiced person, and obstinate to a degree, and he worships +Robert, as we all do." + +I would not ask her if the duke had taken a dislike to me, because I +_knew_ he had. + +"I asked you to meet him on Saturday on purpose," she continued. "I felt +sure your charm would impress him, as it had done me, and as it did my +husband, but I wonder now if it would have been better to wait. He said +after you were gone that you were much too beautiful for the peace of any +family, and he pitied Mr. Carruthers if he married you. I don't mean to +hurt you, child; I am only telling you everything, so that we may consult +how best to act." + +"Yes, I know," I said, and I squeezed her hand again; she does not put out +claws like Lady Ver. + +"How did he know anything about Mr. Carruthers"--I asked--"or me, or +anything?" She looked ashamed. + +"One can never tell how he hears things. He was intensely interested to +meet you, and seemed to be acquainted with more of the affair than I am. I +almost fear he must obtain his information from the servants." + +"Oh, does not that show the housemaid in him? Poor fellow!" I said. "He +can't help it, then, any more than I could help crying yesterday before +Robert in the park. Of course we would neither of us have done these +things if it were not for the _tache_ in our backgrounds, only, +fortunately for me, mine wasn't a housemaid, and was one generation +farther back, so I would not be likely to have any of those tricks." + +She leaned back in her chair and laughed. "You quaint, quaint child, +Evangeline," she said. + +Just then it was twelve o'clock, and Robert came in. + +Oh, talk of hearts beating! If mine is going to go on jumping like this +every time Robert enters a room, I shall get a disease in it in less than +a year. + +He looked too intensely attractive. He was not in London clothes; just +serge things, and a guard's tie, and his face was beaming, and his eyes +shining like blue stars. + +We behaved nicely--he only kissed my hand, and Lady Merrenden looked away +at the clock even for that. She has tact. + +"Isn't my Evangeline a darling, Aunt Sophia?" he said. "And don't you love +her red hair?" + +"It is beautiful," said Lady Merrenden. + +"When you leave us alone I am going to pull it all down"; and he +whispered, "Darling, I love you," so close that his lips touched my ear, +while he pretended he was not doing anything. I say, again, Robert has +ways that would charm a stone image. + +"How was Torquilstone last night?" Lady Merrenden asked, "and did you tell +him anything?" + +"Not a word," said Robert. "I wanted to wait and consult you both which +would be best. Shall I go to him at once, or shall he be made to meet my +Evangeline again, and let her fascinate him, as she is bound to do, and +then tell him?" + +"Oh, tell him straight!" I exclaimed, remembering his proclivities about +the servants and that Veronique knows. "Then he cannot ever say we have +deceived him." + +"That is how I feel," said Robert. + +"You take Evangeline to lunch, Aunt Sophia, and I will go back and feed +with him, and tell him, and then come to you after." + +"Yes, that will be best," she said, and it was settled that she should +come in again and fetch me in an hour, when Robert should leave to go to +Vavasour House. He went with her to the lift, and then he came back. + +No--even in this locked book I am not going to write of that hour--it was +too divine. If I had thought just sitting in the park was heaven, I now +know there are degrees of heaven, and that Robert is teaching me up +towards the seventh. + + + _Monday afternoon._ + (Continued.) + + +I forgot to say a note came from Christopher by this morning's post--it +made me laugh when I read it, then it went out of my head; but when Lady +Merrenden returned for me, and we were more or less sane again--Robert and +I--I thought of it; so apparently did he. "Did you by chance hear from +Christopher, whether he got your note last night or no?" he said. + +I went and fetched it from my bedroom when I put on my hat. Robert read it +aloud: + + + "TRAVELLER'S CLUB + + "_Sunday night._ + + "'_Souvent femme varie--fol qui se fie!_' + Hope you found your variation worth while! + + C. C." + + +"What dam cheek!" he said, in his old way. He hasn't used any "ornaments +to conversation" since we have been--oh, I want to say it--engaged! + +Then his eyes flashed. "Christopher had better be careful of himself! He +will have to be answerable to me now." + +"Do be prudent, Evangeline dear," Lady Merrenden said, gayly, "or you will +have Robert breaking the head of every man in the street who even glances +at you. He is frantically jealous." + +"Yes, I know I am," said Robert, rearranging the tie on my blouse with +that air of _sans gene_ and possession that pleases me so. + +I belong to him now, and if my tie isn't as he likes he has a perfect +right to retie it, no matter who is there. That is his attitude--not the +_least_ ceremony or stuff, everything perfectly simple and natural. + +It does make things agreeable. When I was, "Miss Travers" and he "Lord +Robert," he was always respectful and unfamiliar--except that one night +when rage made him pinch my finger. But now that I am _his_ Evangeline and +he is _my_ Robert (thus he explained it to me in our paradise hour), I am +his queen and his darling, but at the same time his possession and +belonging, just the same as his watch or his coat--I adore it--and it does +not make me the least "uppish," as one might have thought. + +"Come, come, children," Lady Merrenden said at last, "we shall all be +late." + +So we started, dropping Robert at Vavasour House on our way. It is a +splendid place, down one of those side streets looking on the Green Park, +and has a small garden that side. I had never been down to the little +square where it is before, but, of course, every one can see its splendid +frontage from St. James's Park, though I had never realized it was +Vavasour House. + +"Good luck!" whispered Lady Merrenden as Robert got out, and then we drove +on. + +Several people were lunching at Carlton House Terrace: cabinet ministers, +and a clever novelist, and the great portrait painter, besides two or +three charming women--one as pretty and smart as Lady Ver, but the others +more ordinary looking, only so well mannered. No real frumps like the +Montgomeries. We had a delightful lunch, and I tried to talk nicely and do +my best to please my dear hostess. When they had all left I think we both +began to feel excited, and long apprehensively for the arrival of Robert. +So we talked of the late guests. + +"It amuses my husband to see a number of different kinds of people," she +said; "but we had nothing very exciting to-day, I must confess, though +sometimes the authors and authoresses bore me, and they are often very +disappointing--one does not any longer care to read their books after +seeing them." + +I said I could quite believe that. + +"I do not go in for budding geniuses," she continued. "I prefer to wait +until they have arrived, no matter their origin; then they have acquired a +certain outside behavior on the way up, and it does not _froisse_ one so. +Merrenden is a great judge of human nature, and variety entertains him. +Left to myself, I fear I should be quite contented with less gifted people +who were simply of one's own world." + +In all her talk one can see her thought and consideration for Lord +Merrenden and his wishes and tastes. + +"I always feel it is so cruel for him, our having no children," she said. +"The earldom becomes extinct, so I must make him as happy as I can." + +What a dear and just woman! + +At last we spoke of Robert, and she told me stories of his boyhood, +amusing Eton scrapes, and later feats. And how brave and splendid he had +been in the war; and how the people all adored him at Torquilstone; and of +his popularity and influence with them. "You must make him go into +Parliament," she said. + +Then Robert came into the room. Oh, his darling face spoke, there was no +need for words. The duke, one could see, had been obdurate. + +"Well," said Lady Merrenden. + +Robert came straight over to me and took my face in his two hands. +"Darling," he said, "before everything I want you to know I love you +better than anything else in the world, and nothing will make any +difference," and he kissed me deliberately before his aunt. His voice was +so moved, and we all felt a slight lump in our throats I know; then he +stood in front of us, but he held my hand. + +"Torquilstone was horrid, I can see," said Lady Merrenden. "What did he +say, Robert? Tell us everything. Evangeline would wish it too, I am sure, +as well as I." + +Robert looked very pale and stern; one can see how firm his jaw is in +reality, and how steady his dear, blue eyes. + +"I told him I loved Evangeline, whom I understood he had met yesterday, +and that I intended to marry her." + +"And he said?" asked Lady Merrenden, breathless. + +I only held tighter Robert's hand. + +"He swore like a trooper, he thumped his glass down on the table and +smashed it--a disgusting exhibition of temper--I was ashamed of him. Then +he said never, as long as he lived and could prevent it; that he had heard +something of my infatuation, so as I am not given that way he had made +inquiries, and found the family was most unsatisfactory. Then he had come +here yesterday on purpose to see you--darling," turning to me, "and that +he had judged for himself. The girl was a 'devilish beauty' (his words, +not mine), with the naughtiest, provoking eyes, and a mouth--No, I can't +say the rest, it makes me too mad," and Robert's eyes flashed. + +Lady Merrenden rose from her seat and came and took my other hand. I felt +as if I could not stand too tall and straight. + +"The long and short of it is, he has absolutely refused to have anything +to do with the matter, says I need expect nothing further from him, and we +have parted for good and all." + +"Oh, Robert!" It was almost a cry from Lady Merrenden. + +Robert put his arms round me, and his face changed to radiance. + +"Well, I don't care; what does it matter? A few places and thousands in +the dim future--the loss of them is nothing to me if I only have my +Evangeline now." + +"But, Robert dearest," Lady Merrenden said, "you can't possibly live +without what he allows you--what have you of your own? About eighteen +hundred a year, I suppose, and you know, darling boy, you are often in +debt. Why, he paid five thousand for you as lately as last Easter. Oh, +what is to be done?" and she clasped her hands. + +I felt as if turned to stone. Was all this divine happiness going to slip +from my grasp? Yes, it looked like it, for I could never drag Robert into +poverty and spoil his great future. + +"He can't leave away Torquilstone, and those thousands of profitless +acres," Lady Merrenden went on; "but, unfortunately, all the London +property is at his disposition. Oh, I must go and talk to him!" + +"No," said Robert. "It would not be the least use, and would look as if we +were pleading." His face had fallen to intense sadness as Lady Merrenden +spoke of his money. + +"Darling," he said, in a broken voice. "No, it is true it would not be +fair to make you a beggar. I should be a cad to ask you. We must think of +some way of softening my brother after all." + +Then I spoke. + +"Robert," I said, "if you were only John Smith I would say I would +willingly go and live with you in a cottage, or even in a slum; but you +are not, and I would not for _anything in the world_ drag you down out of +what is your position in life. That would be a poor sort of love. Oh, my +dear," and I clasped tight his hand, "if everything fails, then we must +part and you must forget me." + +He folded me in his arms, and we heard the door shut. Lady Merrenden had +left us alone. Oh, it was anguish and divine bliss at the same time the +next half-hour. + +"I will never forget you, and never in this world will I take another +woman, I swear to God!" he said, at the end of it. "If we must part, then +life is finished for me of all joy." + +"And for me, too, Robert!" + +We said the most passionate vows of love to each other, but I will not +write them here; there is another locked book where I keep them--the book +of my soul. + +"Would it be any good if Colonel Tom Carden went and spoke to him?" I +asked, presently. "He was best man at papa's wedding, and knows all there +is to be known of poor mamma; and do you think that as mamma's father was +Lord de Brandreth--a very old barony I believe it is--oh, can it make any +difference to the children's actual breeding, their parents not having +been through the marriage ceremony? I--I--don't know much of that sort of +things." + +"My sweet," said Robert, and through all our sorrow he smiled and kissed +me--"my sweet, sweet Evangeline." + +"But does the duke know all the details of the history?" I asked, when I +could speak; one can't when one is being kissed. + +"Every little bit, it seems. He says he will not discuss the matter of +that--I must know it is quite enough, as I have always known his views; +but if it was not sufficient, your wild, wicked beauty is. You would not +be faithful to me for a year, he said. I could hardly keep from killing +him when he hurled that at my head." + +I felt my temper rising. How frightfully unjust--how cruel! I went over +and looked in the glass--a big mirror between the windows--drawing Robert +with me. + +"Oh, tell me, tell me, what is it? Am I so very bad looking? It is a +curse, surely, that is upon me." + +"Of course you are not bad looking, my darling!" exclaimed Robert. +"You are perfectly beautiful--a slender, stately, exquisite +tiger-lily--only--only--you don't look cold--and it is just your red hair, +and those fascinating green eyes, and your white, lovely skin and black +eyelashes that, that--Oh, you know, you sweetheart! You don't look like +bread-and-butter, you are utterly desirable, and you would make any one's +heart beat." + +I thought of the night at "Carmen." + +"Yes, I am wicked," I said; "but I never will be again--only just enough +to make you always love me, because Lady Ver says security makes yawns. +But even wicked people can love with a great, great love, and that can +keep them good. Oh, if he only knew how utterly I love you, Robert, I am +sure, sure, he would be kind to us!" + +"Well, how shall we tell him?" + +Then a thought came to me, and I felt all over a desperate thrill of +excitement. + +"Will you do nothing until to-morrow?" I said. "I have an idea which I +will tell to no one. Let us go back to Claridge's now, and do not come and +see me again until to-morrow at twelve. Then, if this has failed we will +say good-bye. It is a desperate chance." + +"And you won't tell me what it is?" + +"No. Please trust me; it is my life as well as yours, remember." + +"My queen!" he said. "Yes, I will do that, or anything else you wish, only +_never, never_ good-bye. I am a man, after all, and have numbers of +influential relations. I can do something else in life just be a +Guardsman, and we shall get enough money to live quite happily on, though +we might not be very grand people. I will never say good-bye--do you hear? +Promise me you will never say it, either." + +I was silent. + +"Evangeline, darling!" he cried in anguish, his eyebrows right up in the +old way, while two big tears welled up in his beautiful eyes. "My God! +won't you answer me?" + +"Yes, I will," I said, and I threw all my reserve to the winds, and flung +my arms round his neck, passionately. + +"I love you with my, heart and soul, and pray to God we shall never say +good-bye." + +When I got back to Claridge's, for the first time in my life I felt a +little faint. Lady Merrenden had driven me back herself, and left me with +every assurance of her devotion and affection for us. I had said good-bye +to Robert for the day at Carlton House Terrace. + +They do not yet know me, either of them, quite; or what I can and will +do. + + + + + CLARIDGE'S + + _Monday night._ + + +I felt to carry out my plan I must steady my mind a little, so I wrote my +journal, and that calmed me. + +Of all the things I was sure of in the world, I was most sure that I loved +Robert far too well to injure his prospects. On the other hand, to throw +him away without a struggle was too cruel to both of us. If mamma's mother +was nobody, all the rest of my family were fine old fighters and +gentlemen, and I really prayed to their shades to help me now. + +Then I rang and ordered some iced water, and when I had thought deeply for +a few minutes while I sipped it, I sat down to my writing-table. My hand +did not shake, though I felt at a deadly tension. I addressed the envelope +first, to steady myself: + + + "To + "His Grace + "The Duke of Torquilstone, + "Vavasour House, + "St. James's, S.W." + + +Then I put that aside. + +"I am Evangeline Travers who writes," I began, without any preface; +"and I ask if you will see me--either here in my sitting-room this +evening, or I will come to you at Vavasour House. I understand your +brother, Lord Robert, has told you that he loves me and wishes to marry +me, and that you have refused your consent, partly because of the +history of my family, but chiefly because my type displeases you. I +believe, in days gone by, the prerogative of a great noble like you was +to dispense justice. In my case it is still your prerogative by +courtesy, and I ask it of you. When we have talked for a little, if you +then hold to your opinion of me, and _convince me_ that it is for your +brother's happiness, I swear to you on my word of honor I will never see +him again." + + "Believe me, + + "Yours faithfully, + + "EVANGELINE TRAVERS." + + +I put it hastily in the envelope and fastened it up. Then I rang the bell, +and had it sent by a messenger in a cab, who was to wait for an answer. +Oh, I wonder if in life I shall ever have to go through another +twenty-five minutes like those that passed before the waiter brought a +note up to me in reply. + +Even if the journal won't shut I must put it in: + + + "VAVASOUR HOUSE, ST. JAMES'S + + "_November 28th._ + "DEAR MADAM,-- + + "I have received your letter, and request you to excuse my + calling upon you at your hotel this evening, as I am unwell; + but if you will do me the honor to come to Vavasour House on + receipt of this, I will discuss the matter in question with + you, and trust you will believe that you may rely upon my + _justice_. + + "I remain, madam, + + "Yours truly, + + "TORQUILSTONE." + + +"His grace's brougham is waiting below for you, madam," the waiter said, +and I flew to Veronique. + +I got her to dress me quickly. I wore the same things, exactly, as he had +seen me in before--deep mourning they are, and extremely becoming. + +In about ten minutes Veronique and I were seated in the brougham and +rolling on our way. I did not speak. + +I was evidently expected, for as the carriage stopped the great doors flew +open and I could see into the dim and splendid hall. + +A silver-haired, stately old servant led me along through a row of +powdered footmen, down a passage all dimly lit with heavily shaded lights. +(Veronique was left to their mercies.) Then the old man opened a door, and +without announcing my name, merely, "The lady, your grace," he held the +door, and then went out and closed it softly. + +It was a huge room splendidly panelled with dark, carved _boiserie_ Louis +XV., the most beautiful of its kind I had ever seen--only it was so dimly +lit with the same shaded lamps one could hardly see into the corners. + +The duke was crouching in a chair and looked fearfully pale and ill, and +had an inscrutable expression on his face. Fancy a man so old-looking, and +crippled, being even Robert's half-brother. + +I came forward--he rose with difficulty, and this is the conversation we +had. + +"Please don't get up," I said. "If I may sit down opposite you." + +"Excuse my want of politeness," he said, pointing to a chair; "but my back +is causing me great pain to-day." + +He looked such a poor, miserable, soured, unhappy creature, I could not +help being touched. + +"Oh, I am so sorry!" I said. "If I had known you were ill I would not have +troubled you now." + +"Justice had better not wait," he replied, with a whimsical, cynical, sour +smile. "State your case." + +Then he suddenly turned on an electric lamp near me, which made a blaze of +light in my face. I did not jump, I am glad to say; I have pretty good +nerves. + +"My case is this: To begin with, I love your brother better than anything +else in the world." + +"Possibly--a number of women have done so," he interrupted. "Well?" + +"And he loves me," I continued, not noticing the interruption. + +"Agreed. It is a situation that happens every day among young fools. You +have known each other about a month, I believe." + +"Under four weeks," I corrected. + +He laughed--bitterly. + +"It cannot be of such vital importance to you, then, in that short time." + +"It is of vital importance to me, and you know your brother's character; +you will be able to judge as well as I if, or not, it is a matter of vital +importance to him." + +He frowned. "Well, your case?" + +"First, to demand on what grounds you condemned me as a 'devilish beauty'? +And why you assume that I should not be faithful to Robert for a year?" + +"I am a rather good judge of character," he said. + +"You cannot be, or you would see that whatever accident makes me have this +objectionable outside, the me that lives within is an honest person who +never breaks her word." + +"I can only see red hair, and green eyes, and a general look of the +devil." + +"Would you wish people always to judge by appearances, then?" I said; +"because, if so, I see before me a prejudiced, narrow-minded, +cruel-tempered, cynical man--jealous of youth's joys. But _I_ would not be +so unjust as to stamp you with these qualities because of that!" + +He looked straight at me, startled. "I may be all these things," he said. +"You are probably right." + +"Then, oh, please don't be!" I went on quickly. "I want you to be kind to +us. We--oh, we do, do so wish to be happy, and we are both so young, and +life will be so utterly blank and worthless for all those years to the end +if you part us now." + +"I did not say I would part you," he said, coldly. "I merely said I +refused to give Robert any allowance, and I shall leave everything in my +power away from the title. If you like to get married on those terms you +are welcome to." + +Then I told him that I loved Robert far too much to like the thought of +spoiling his future. + +"We came into each other's lives," I said. "We did not ask it of fate, she +pushed us there, and I tried not to speak to him because I had promised a +friend of mine I would not, as she said she liked him herself, and it made +us both dreadfully unhappy; and every day we mattered more to each other +until yesterday, when I thought he had gone away for good and I was too +miserable for words, we met in the park, and it was no use pretending any +longer. Oh, you _can't_ want to crush out all joy and life for us, just +because I have red hair! It is so horribly unjust." + +"You beautiful siren!" he said. "You are coaxing me. How you know how to +use your charms and your powers, and what _man_ could resist your tempting +face!" + +I rose in passionate scorn. + +"How dare you say such things to me!" I said. "I would not stoop to coax +you. I will not again ask you for any boon. I only wanted you to do me the +justice of realizing you had made a mistake in my character--to do your +brother the justice of conceding the point that he has some right to love +whom he chooses. But keep your low thoughts to yourself--evil, cruel man! +Robert and I have got something that is better than all your lands and +money--a dear, great love, and I am glad--glad he will not in the future +receive anything that is in your gift. I shall give him the gift of +myself, and we shall do very well without you;" and I walked to the door, +leaving him huddled in the chair. + +Thus ended our talk on justice. + +Never has my head been so up in the air. I am sure had Cleopatra been +dragged to Rome in Augustus's triumph she would not have walked with more +pride and contempt than I through the hall of Vavasour House. + +The old servant was waiting for me, and Veronique, and the brougham. + +"Call a hansom, if you please," I said, and stood there like a statue +while one of the footmen had to run into St. James's Street for it. + +Then we drove away, and I felt my teeth chatter while my cheeks burned. +Oh, what an end to my scheme and my dreams of, perhaps, success! + +But what a beast of a man! What a cruel, warped, miserable creature. I +will not let him separate me from Robert--never, never! He is not worth +it. I will wait for him--my darling--and if he really loves me, some day +we can be happy, and if he does not--but, oh, I need not fear. + +I am still shaking with passion, and shall go to bed. I do not want any +dinner. + + + + + Tuesday morning, _November 29th._ + + +Veronique would not let me go to bed, she insisted upon my eating, and +then after dinner I sat in an old but lovely wrap of white crepe, and she +brushed out my hair for more than an hour--there is such a tremendous lot +of it, it takes time. + +I sat in front of the sitting-room fire and tried not to think. One does +feel a wretch after a scene like that. At about half-past nine I heard +noises in the passage of people, and with only a preliminary tap Robert +and Lady Merrenden came into the room. I started up, and Veronique dropped +the brush in her astonishment, and then left us alone. + +Both their eyes were shining and excited, and Robert looked crazy with +joy; he seized me in his arms, and kissed me, and kissed me, while Lady +Merrenden said, "You darling Evangeline! you plucky, clever girl! Tell us +all about it!" + +"About what?" I said, as soon as I could speak. + +"How you managed it." + +"Oh, I must kiss her first, Aunt Sophia!" said Robert. "Did you ever see +anything so divinely lovely as she looks with her hair all floating like +this, and it is all mine, every bit of it!" + +"Yes, it is," I said, sadly, "and that is about all of value you will +get." + +"Come and sit down," said Robert, "Evangeline, you darling--and look at +this." + +Upon which he drew from his pocket a note. I saw at once it was the duke's +writing, and I shivered with excitement. He held it before my eyes. + +"Dear Robert," it began. "I have seen her. I am conquered. She will make a +magnificent duchess. Bring her to lunch to-morrow. Yours, TORQUILSTONE." + +I really felt so intensely moved I could not speak. + +"Oh, tell us, dear child, how did it happen, and what did you do, and +where did you meet!" said Lady Merrenden. + +Robert held my hand. + +Then I tried to tell them as well as I could, and they listened +breathlessly. "I was very rude, I fear," I ended with, "but I was so +angry." + +"It is glorious," said Robert. "But the best part is that you intended to +give me yourself with no prospect of riches. Oh, darling, that is the best +gift of all!" + +"Was it disgustingly selfish of me?" I said. "But when I saw your poor +brother so unhappy-looking, and soured, and unkind, with all his +grandeur, I felt that to us, who know what love means, to be together was +the thing that matters most in all the world." + +Lady Merrenden then said she knew some people staying here who had an +apartment on the first floor, and she would go down and see if they were +visible. She would wait for Robert in the hall, she said, and she kissed +us good-night and gave us her blessing. + +What a dear she is! What a nice pet, to leave us alone! + +Robert and I passed another hour of bliss, and I think we must have got to +the sixth heaven by now--Robert says the seventh is for the end, when we +are married. Well, that will be soon. Oh, I am too happy to write +coherently! + +I did not wake till late this morning, and Veronique came and said my +sitting-room was again full of flowers. The darling Robert is! + +I wrote to Christopher and Lady Ver in bed, as I sipped my chocolate. I +just told Lady Ver the truth, that Robert and I had met by chance and +discovered we loved each other, so I knew she would understand, and I +promised I would not break his heart. Then I thanked her for all her +kindness to me, but I felt sad when I read it over; poor, dear Lady +Ver--how I hope it won't really hurt her, and that she will forgive me! + +To Christopher I said I had found my "variation" worth while, and I hoped +he would come to my wedding some day soon. + +Then I sent Veronique to post them both. + +To-day I am moving to Carlton House Terrace. What a delight that will be! +and in a fortnight--or at best three weeks--Robert says we shall quietly +go and get married, and Colonel Tom Carden can give me away after all. + +Oh, the joy of the dear, beautiful world, and this sweet, dirty, +entrancing, fog-bound London! I love it all--even the smuts! + + + + + CARLTON HOUSE TERRACE, + + _Thursday night._ + + +Robert came to see me at twelve, and he brought me the loveliest, splendid +diamond and emerald ring, and I danced about like a child with delight +over it. He has the most exquisite sentiment, Robert--every little trifle +has some delicate meaning, and he makes me _feel_ and _feel_. + +Each hour we spend together we seem to discover some new bit of us which +is just what the other wants. And he is so deliciously jealous and +masterful and--oh, I love him--so there it is! + +I am learning a lot of things, and I am sure there are lots to learn +still. + +At half-past one Lady Merrenden came and fetched us in the barouche, and +off we went to Vavasour House, with what different feelings to last +evening! + +The pompous servants received us in state, and we all three walked on to +the duke's room. + +There he was, still huddled in his chair, but he got up--he is better +to-day. + +Lady Merrenden went over and kissed him. + +"Dear Torquilstone," she said. + +"Morning, Robert," he mumbled, after he had greeted his aunt. "Introduce +me to your fiancee." + +And Robert did, with great ceremony. + +"Now, I won't call you names any more," I said, and I laughed in his face. +He bent down and kissed my forehead. + +"You are a beautiful tiger-cat," he said; "but even a year of you would be +well worth while." + +Upon which Robert glared, and I laughed again, and we all went in to +lunch. + +He is not so bad, the duke, after all. + + + + + CARLTON HOUSE TERRACE, + + _December 21st._ + + +Oh, it is three weeks since I wrote, but I have been too busy and too +happy for journals. I have been here ever since, getting my trousseau, +and Veronique is becoming used to the fact that I can have no coronet +on my lingerie. + +It is the loveliest thing in the world being engaged to Robert. + +He has ways! Well, even if I really were as bad as I suppose I look, I +could never want any one else. He worships me, and lets me order him +about, and then he orders me about, and that makes me have the loveliest +thrills. And if any one even looks at me in the street--which of course +they always do--he flashes blue fire at them, and I feel--oh, I feel, all +the time! + +Lady Merrenden continues her sweet kindness to us, and her tact is beyond +words, and now I often do what I used to wish to--that is, touch Robert's +eyelashes with the tips of my fingers. + +It is perfectly lovely. + +Oh, what in the world is the good of anything else in life but being +frantically in love as we are! + +It all seems, to look back upon, as if it were like having porridge for +breakfast, and nothing else every day, before I met Robert. + +Perhaps it is because he is going to be very grand in the future, but +every one has discovered I am a beauty, and intelligent. It is much nicer +to be thought that than just to be a red-haired adventuress. + +Lady Katherine, even, has sent me a cairngorm brooch and a cordial letter. +(I should now adorn her circle!) + +But oh, what do they all matter--what does anything matter but Robert! All +day long I know I am learning the meaning of "to dance and to sing and to +laugh and _to live_." + +The duke and I are great friends. He has ferreted out about mamma's +mother, and it appears she was a Venetian music-mistress of the name of +Tonquini, or something like that, who taught Lord de Brandreth's +sisters--so perhaps Lady Ver was right after all, and far, far back in +some other life I was the friend of a Doge. + +Poor, dear Lady Ver! She has taken it very well after the first spiteful +letter, and now I don't think there is even a tear at the corner of her +eye. + +Lady Merrenden says it is just the time of the year when she usually gets +a new one, so perhaps she has now, and so that is all right. + +The diamond serpent she has given me has emerald eyes--and such a pointed +tongue. + +"It is like you, snake-girl," she said; "so wear it at your wedding." + +The three angels are to be my only bridesmaids. + +Robert loads me with gifts, and the duke is going to let me wear all the +Torquilstone jewels when I am married, besides the emeralds he has given +me himself. I really love him. + +Christopher sent me this characteristic note with the earrings which are +his gift, great big emeralds set with diamonds: + + + "So sorry I shall not see you on the happy day, but Paris, + I am fortunate enough to discover, still has joys for me. + + "C. C. + + "Wear them; they will match your eyes." + + +And to-morrow is my wedding-day, and I am going away on a honeymoon with +Robert--away into the seventh heaven. And oh, and oh, I am certain, +_sure_, neither of us will yawn! + + + THE END + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Red Hair, by Elinor Glyn + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RED HAIR *** + +***** This file should be named 17821.txt or 17821.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/7/8/2/17821/ + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Jeroen van Luin and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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